THE Mens Answer TO THE Womens Petition AGAINST COFFEE, VINDICATING Their own Performances, and the virtues of that liquour, from the Undeserved Aspersions lately cast upon them by their SCANDALOUS PAMPHLET.  
LONDON: Printed in the Year 1674.   

THE MENS ANSWER TO THE WOMENS PETITION, &c.  
COuld it be Imagined, that ungrateful Women, after so much laborious Drudgery, both by Day and Night, and the best of our Blood and Spirits spent in your Service, you should thus publicly Complain? Certain we are, that there never was Age or Nation more Indulgent to your Sex; have we not condescended to all the Methods of Debauchery? Invented more Postures than Aretine ever Dreamed of! Been Pimps to our own Wives, and Courted Gallants even with the hazard of our Estates, to do us the Civility of making us not only Contented, but most obliged Cuckolds: Is he thought worthy to be esteemed a Gentleman, that has not seven times passed the Torrid Zone of a Venerial Distemper, or does not maintain, at least, a Brace of Mistress●s; Talk not to us of those doting Fumblers of seven or eight hundred years Old, a lark is better than a Kite; and Cock-Sparrows, though not long lived, are undoubtedly prefertable for the work of Generation before dull Ravens, though some think they live three hundred years: That our iceland is a Paradise for Women, is verified still by the brisk Activity of our Men, who with an equal Contempt scorn Italian Padlocks, and defy French Dildo's, knowing that a small dose of Natures Quintessence, satisfies better in a Female Limb●ck, than the largest Potion infused by Art.  
Let silly Cits— complain never so much that Madam Money is Dead and butted, we dare Appeal to all the Commissioners of Whetstones Park, the Suburb Runners, and Moorfields Night-walkers, if ever they had better Trading; Nay, have we not forced languishing Nature by preparations of Cantharides, spiced Meats, anchovies, Cullises, Jelly-broths, Lambstones, Diasatyrion, Bononia sausages, &c. All to answer the height of your Amorous Passions, and prevent the pitiful lechery of an Artificial Tranguin. Have we not with excess of patience born your Affronts, been Sweated, Purged, Fluxed between two Feather-beds, Flog'd, Jib'd, and endured all the rest of the Devils Martyrdoms, and will you still offer to Repine●? Certainly experienced Solomon was in the right, when he  told us that the Grave and the Womb were equally Insatiable.  
But why must innocent COFFEE be the object of your Spleen? That harmless and healing liquour, which Indulgent Providence first sent amongst us, at a time when Brimmers of Rebellion, and Fanetick Zeal had intoxicated the Nation, and we wanted a Drink at once to make us Sober and Merry: 'Tis not this incompatable settle Brain that shortens Natures Standard, or makes us less Active in the Sports of Venus, and we wonder you should take these Exceptions, since so many of the little Houses, with the Turkish Woman straddling on their Signs, are but Emblems of what is to be done within for your Conveniencies, mere Nurseries to promote the petulant Trade, and breed up a stock of hopeful Plants for the future service of the republic, in the most thriving Mysteries of Debauchery; There being scarce a Coffee-Hut but affords a Tawdry Woman, a wanton Daughter, or a buxom maid, to accommodate Customers; and can you think that any which frequent such Discipline, can be wanting in their Pastures, or defective in their Arms? The News we Chat of there, you will not think it Impertinent, when you consider the fair opportunities you have thereby, of entertaining an obliging friend in our Abs●nce ▪ and how many of us you have dubbed Knights of the Bull-Feather, whilst we have sate innocently sipping the Devils Holy-water; we do not call it so for driving the Cace-daemon of lechery out of us, for the truth is, it rather assists us for your Nocturnal Benevolencies, by drying up those Crude Flatulent Humours, which otherwise would make us only Flash in the Pan, without doing that Thundering Execution which your Expectations Exact, we dare Appeal to Experience in the Case. Coffee is the general Drink throughout turkey, and those Eastern Regions, and yet no part of the world can boast more able or eager performers, then those Circumcised Gentlemen, who,( like our modern Gallants) own no other joys of Heaven, than what consists in Veneral Titillations; the Physical qualities of this liquour are almost Innumerable and its virtues( if you will believe Pointing, able to out-noise the Quack-bil of an allhealing Doctor, when your kindness at the Close hug has bestowed on us a virulent gonorrhea, this is out Catholicon, Ens Naturae and Aqua Tetrachymagogon is an Ass to it, 'Tis base adulterate wine and surcharges of Muddy Ale that enfeeble nature, makes a man as salatious as a Goat, and yet as impotent as Age, whereas Coffee Collects and settles the Spirits, makes the erection more Vigorous, the Ejaculation more full, adds a spiritualescency to the sperm, and renders it more firm and suitable to the Gusto of the womb, and proportionate to the ardours and expectation too, of the female Paramour.  
As for our taking Tobacco you have no reason to object, since most of your own Sex are so well skilled in managing a pipe; and if you find that of your Husbands to be nought, 'tis his natural infirmity, or your own perpetual Pumping him( not drinking Coffee) is the occasion of the defect, and therefore let such Tom Farthings be forbidden the decoction of the rare Arabian Betry, and condemned everlastingly with the rest of doelittles Congregation, to the carrying of Glisterpipes for the use of the well effected Sisterhood.  
You may well permit us to talk abroad, for at home we have scaree time to utter a word for the insufferable Din of your ever active Tongues, the Foolish extravagancies of our lives, are infinitely out-done by the wild Frolliques of yours; till Noon you lye a Bed hatching Concupiscence, then having paid your Ado●a●ions, to the Ugly Idol in the Glass, you descend to Dinner, where you gormondize enough at one Meal to Famish a Town Besiedg'd; after that, you are called out by a cousin, and hurried out in his Honours Coach( whose jogging, serves as a Preparative to your lechery) away to the Play-house, where a Lascivious Dance, a Bawdy Song, and the Petulant Gallants Tickling of your hand, having made an Insurrection in your Blood, you go to alloy it with an Evenings Exercise at the Tavern, there you spend freely, yet being robbed of nothing we can miss, home you come in a Railing humour, and at last give us nothing for Supper but a buttered Bun.  
Cease then for the Future your Clamours against our civil Follies. Alas! alas! Dear Hearts, the Coffee house is the Citizens Academy, where he learns more Wit than ever his Grannum taught him, the Young-Gallants Stage where he displays the Wardrobe of his excellent no Parts; 'Tis the Non Cons Bull-baiting, the News-mongers Exchange, the Fools business, the Knaves Ambuscade, and the Wise mans Recreation: Here it is where we have the sparkling cider, the mighty Mum, and the back recruiting Chocolate; 'Tis Coffee that both keeps us Sober, or can make us so; And let all our Wives that hereafter shall presume to Petition against it, be confined to lye alone all Night, and in the Day time drink nothing but Bonny Clabber.  
FINIS.