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VIju. /%^3lXX> ^ *Wk/*\. TWa^uaASL 3 ) _>vt 



REFORM DEFORMED; 

OR, THE 

FATE OF HIS MAJESTY'S GOOD SHIP, 

" THE STATE.'' 

A TRAGEDY IN THREE ACTS; 

AND IN OUTRAGE OF ALL THE THREE UNITIES. 

BY LORD J. R L. 

AS REHEARSED AT ST. STEPHEN'S CHAPEL. 

WITH 

EXTRACTS FROM VARIOUS COMIC AND TRAGIC AUTHORS. 



" Delenda est Carthago." 
" Our play's a parallel." — Prolog, to Duke of Guise. 



LONDON : 

PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS. 
1831. 



*w* 










■3 



f 



cQ 



PRELIMINARY REMARKS. 



It may not be amiss here to observe, bow fearfully applicable 
to the present times are many passages which were written a 
century and a half since, during the turbulent events which 
succeeded the Commonwealth and preceded the Revolution. 
And we may at the same time derive consolation from the 
consideration, that this country shall yet avoid either extremity, 
neither relapsing into the one nor hastening forward to the other, 
since the sense of the nation is the same, and no analogy exists 
between the House of Brunswick and the Dynasty of the Stuarts. 
A writer in these times might be almost led to say with 
Dryden, in his Preface to Absalom and Achitophel, " It is 
not my intention to make an apology for my poem ; some 
will think it needs no excuse, and others will receive none. 
The design, I am sure, is honest j but he who draws his pen 
for one party must expect to make enemies of the other ; for 
wit and fools are consequent of Whig and Tory." And in 
parts of the same poem, he says, 

" Some truth there was, but dash'd and brew'd with lies, 
To please the fools, and puzzle all the wise." 
And, speaking of the discontented party — 
" These Adam wits, too fortunately free, 
Began to dream they wanted liberty. 
And when no rule, no precedent was found 
Of men, by laws less circumscribed and bound, 
They led their wild desires to woods and caves, 
And thought that all but savages were slaves." 
Nor is the following observation less deserving of our attention : 
" But when to sin our biass'd nature leans, 
The careful dev'l is still at hand with means, 
And providently pimps for ill desires — 
The good old cause revived, a plot requires. 



4 PRELIMINARY REMARKS. 

Plots true or false are necessary things 
To raise up Commonwealths and ruin kings. 
This plot which fail'd for want of common sense, 
Had yet a deep and dangerous consequence j 
For, as when raging fevers boil the blood, 
The standing lake soon floats into a flood ; 
And every hostile humour, which before 
Slept quiet in its channels, bubbles o'er ; 
So several factions from this first ferment 
. Work up to foam and threat the government ; 
Some by their friends, more by themselves thought wise, 
Opposed the power to which they could not rise." 

The character of Achitophel may by some be thought toler- 
ably descriptive of the present cabinet. 

" For close designs and crooked counsels fit ; 

Sagacious, bold, and turbulent of wit ; 

Restless, unfix'd in principles or place ; 

In power unpleased, impatient of disgrace ; 

A fiery soul, which working out its way 

Fretted the pigmy body to decay, 

And o'er inform'd the tenement of clay ; 

A daring pilot in extremity 

Pleased with the danger, when the waves went high, 

He sought the storms ; but, for a calm unfit, 

Would steer too near the sands to boast his wit. 

Great wits are, sure, to madness near allied, 
* And thin partitions do their bounds divide." 

And they who have hitherto manfully resisted the attempts 
of revolution, ought to bear in mind the following passage of 
Dryden in the Epistle dedicatory to his Tragedy of the " Duke 
of Guise," p. 16 : — " It is enough, my lord, that your own part 
was neither obscure in it nor unhazardous. And if ever this 
excellent government, so well established by the wisdom of our 
forefathers, and so much shaken by the folly of the age, shall 
recover its ancient splendour, posterity cannot be so ungrateful 



PRELIMINARY REMARKS. 



as to forget those, who in the worst of times have stood un- 
daunted by their king and country, and for the safeguard of 
both, have exposed themselves to the malice of false patriots, 
and the madness of an headstrong rabble." 

We may leave it to the reader to judge whether the spirit 
named Melanax in Dryden's " Duke of Guise" has not much re- 
semblance to a spirit abroad at present. He thus describes his 
vocation : — " To promote sedition is my business, it has been 
so before any of you were born, and will be so when you are 
dead and damned. I have led on the rabble in all ages." 

And again : — " I have sown rebellion every where." 

And in another place, speaking of his own faction, the same 
spirit says : — " When the most are of one side, as that's our 
case, we are always in the right ; for they that are in power 
will always be judges. So that if we say white is black, poor 
white must lose the cause and put on mourning ; for white is 
but a single syllable, and we are a whole sentence." 

I fear that the following lines are likewise not less applicable 
to the present age than to that in which they were written, — 
" Democracy and zeal, under the disguise of patriotism and 
religion, insinuate themselves into the confidence of the city:" 
And, likewise, that that personage who, at this day, occupies 
that station in this country, which Albion in the tragedy is 
represented to have done one hundred and fifty years since, 
may say with equal truth : 

Alb. Then zeal and Commonwealth infest 
My land again ; 
The fumes of madness that possess'd 

The people's giddy brain 
Once more disturb the nation's rest, 
And die rebellion in a deeper stain. 

Dry dens Albion and Albanius, Act II. Sc. I. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Greyhead 
Sir Jacobin G. 
Drum . . . 

Allsort . . 



Sweeper . 



Lord John 



P. T. Soap . 
John Bull . 
Joseph . . . 
A Merchant. 
Hecate. 
Mal Spencer 



Admiral of all three colours. 

Captain of" The State" 

Having long worked in a collier is made Lieutenant. 
' Purser, formerly farmer, grazier, sportsman, who, 
his shoulder and financial affairs being injured, 
goes to sea. 

At first a common deck-swabber, afterwards made 
Boatswain, or officer administering justice, and 
inflicting punishment. 
A land-surveyor, laying down charts, and discover- 
ing hidden shoals, performing calculations on 
unknown principles, intimate with spirits, and 
employed as river pilot, then discarded as sus- 
pected of ambitious designs. 

A merchant's clerk, in trade. 

Representative of the feelings of Englishmen. 

A radical. 



C Three witches, supposed to be Spirits of the an- 
Mother Demdike < cestors of some noble families of the present day. 
Madge. . . . £ (Vide ShadweWs " Lancashire Witches." J 
A Spirit. 



THE 

REFORM DEFORMED. 



ACT I. 

SCENE I. 

On board a Ship in Harbour. 
*Drum, Greyhead, Lord John, Sweeper. 

Drum. Welcome, my friends, once more on board " The 
State," 
After a lapse of long and tedious years. 

Grey. Ay, and, believe me, we must make good speed, 
Gain what we may, while still our summer lasts ; 
First choose our places, and then spite our foes. 

Ld. John. Well spoken, Greyhead. Choose our places first; 
But how decide it ? I propose by ballot, 
As fair, at least, as any other scheme, 
Since no one yet knows aught that he is fit for 5 
Besides, the ballot is a goodly precedent. 

Grey. We seek not men who e'er were tried before, 
So few need ask who ever were at sea. 
We wish for those who yet are unproved seamen, 
Their faculties untried and unimpaired, 
Since navigation is a novel art 
As we shall practise it 5 'twere better far 

* " It is equally certain that with * * * * and Russell, he engaged 
in plans of Reformation or Revolution, of that dubious description which 
might have turned out good or evil, according to their power of managing the 
machine they were about to set in motion ; a power almost always overrated 
till the awful moment of experiment." — Scott's Notes to Dry&erCs Absalom 
and Achit. 



8 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



Our friends had nothing to unlearn, than come 
Their heads clogg'd full of antiquated notions 
Of how their fathers sail'd. 

All. Agreed — agreed. 

Let Sweeper then be made our boatswain, since 
No one has shriller voice when storms are high. 

Sir Jac. Observe the weather, clouds drive fast aloft, , 
The wind blows fresh, we yet shall have a night 
Of storm. Yarely, my mates, all hands to work, 
Lest night and storm o'ertake us ere we're chosen. 

[They draw lots — Lord John reads — Sir Jacobin, 
Captain of "the State' — Allsort, Purser — 
Sweeper, Boatswain — Drum, Lieutenant. 

Grey. I give you joy, my hearts, so quickly chosen. 
Some places more we give as perquisites, 
And some withhold to win the highest bidder ; 
But having so far prosperously advanced, 
We call ourselves a council, and debate. 

Alls. I vote we hold no council, but proceed 
Without delay to criticise the ship j 
Observe and tell how ill she rides the storm, 
Experience is the only road to knowledge. 

Sweep. But seeing that the night looks black and lowering, 
And heavy clouds drive o'er from France and Holland, 
Since thus it is, I think, my worthy mates, 
It were as well that we provide Lord John 
A chart, and Allsort with some logarithms. 

Drum. What logarithms, quotha? — Loggerheads ! 
Whence these misgivings, or what idle fear 
Has fix'd the crooked clog of doubt like gyves 
To fetter us with palsied hesitation, 
When, like a chrysalis, that has useless lain 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 

And waited long the season that should wake 
Its torpid energies to sudden life, 
We burst at length, as butterflies, to light ? 
What dull delay, what vain procrastination, 
To lose a moment of ephemeral pride. 

Sir Jac. What craven-heart is he who stays at home, 
Talks of repairing plank by plank, refitting 
And coppering in the dock. — Let us awhile 
Bask in the sun of popular applause, 
For that bright meed Id sail the vessel forth 
'Mid rocks and shoals and foaming breakers, 
And sink the time-worn hulk beneath the waves, 
Provided vje escaped on rafts and life-boats, 
Than rest securely in the port without 
One shout to gratify our lust of praise, 
And wait till measured prudence should decide 
To render her sea- worthy. — / am one" 
Can speak with confidence^ for I have seen 
A British frigate, when her keel was injured, 
And no dry dock at hand — the ship hove down, 
Her sails unbent — her yards unslung — her thunder 
Silenced — her streamers lowered — and she lay 
A hulk upon the water, tK image of Great Britain. 
By levers she vms brought to her beam-ends, 
And lay in trembling balance on the waves. 
Her wise commander did not then disdain 
To watch the operation, and desired 
To bring her closer to the waters edge; 
He gave the word for one turn more — his order 
Was obey'd — she heeVd and fill 'rf, and disappeared. 

All. Most beauteous illustration ! 

Sir Jac. Nay, by heaven ! 

It were a bolder, manlier course to take, 



10 THE REFORM DEFORMED. 

To cast her broadside to the roaring breakers, 
For then, perchance, we might re-model one 
On new experimental principles. 

All. Well said — long live the worthy Jacobin ! 

Ld. John. The vessel of my fancy should be plain, 
No quarter-deck for proud aristocrats 
To stride and lord it o'er their fellow men : 
Level the poop — scuttle her fore and aft, 
And give free access for the waves to pass — 
One common cabin for the use of all, 
The captain and the seamen mess together, 
And mutiny should be a name unheard of. 
All should be rulers — by diurnal vote 
And ballot we should choose in due succession 
Our daily captain — have a common rank, 
And all command by turns ; and hence unknown 
The odious tyranny, oft miscalled discipline. 

All. Huzza ! huzza ! a second Solon risen up, 
A wise Lycurgus, prudent Palinurus ! 

Alls. Ay — I would fain have made her sail stern foremost, 
Because the usual way is too old fashion 'd 
To be good — too stale, and almost mouldy now — 
Her helm unshipp'd — a tricolor aloft — 
Such is the course the Gallic vessel steer'd, 
And in her wake our patriot ship shall follow. 

SCENE 11. 

Thunder and Lightning. 

Enter Three Witches. 

M. Spen. When shall we three meet again, 
In thunder, lightning, or in rain ? 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



11 



M. Dem. When the hurly burly 's done, 
When the ship is lost and gone. 

Madge. That will be in thirty-one. 

M. Spen. Where the place ? 

M. Dem. In Downing Street. 

Madge. There with Sir Jacobin to meet. 

M. Spen. I come — Grey Malkin. 

All. * Lord John calls — anon. 
Fair is foul, and foul is fair, 
Hover through fog and filthy air. 

SCENE III. 

Enter Joseph and P. T. Soap. 

Joseph. The vessel, then, is gone — but whither bound ? 

P. T. Soap. To France, to bring some worthy patriots here ; 
The English are unfit for active motion 
Without the aid of foreign agitation. 
A cargo, too, of Tricolors. 

Joseph. Good — what then ? 

P. T. Soap. She steers her course to South America, 
To buy barilla for our factories. 

Joseph. And thence to Canada. 

P. T. Soap. f No— God forbid ! 

For how would tallow fare, were Russia closed ? 
We leave our Colonies to fate and fortune. 
Moreover, there are some who have wide forests 
Of goodly timber and of stately pines, 
Purchased in Norway. These we must protect, 



* Shakspeare writes Paddock. Vide Macbeth. 

■j- 1 hope that no one will for one moment suppose that P. T., or any one 
with whom he is connected, has any possessions in Norway, or in any way 
interested in the Russia trade. 



12 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



And sacrifice the rest to their advantage. 
I know this well, for I was merchant's clerk, 
Who made the bill of lading for the ship. 

Joseph. Ah ! thou happiest of tallow-venders, 
I give you hail ! — this way, my dearest pullet, 
Mount up, thou saviour of our state, and us, 
Thy humble servants. 

P. T. Soap. Prithee, now, what wouldst thou 

With me? 

Joseph. This way, this way : list, chick, and learn 
The happy and the blessed man you are. 

P. T. Soap. Go to — you canting varlet, am not I 
A tallow vender ? How shall greatness then 
Sit on a man of my profession ? 

Joseph. Tut, 

It is the very source of greatness : answer, 
Art not a knave ? and art not of the market 
Of dolts and knaves ? — these are the stuff we make 
Our statesmen of. But come, throw not away 
The blessing gracious heaven has put upon thee, 
By virtue of these prophecies. 

P. T. Soap. First let me hear 

The wording of them. 

Demus. Nay, you'll find no want 

Of wisdom in them, nor variety 
In the conceit — observe. 

PROPHECY. 

When the monster of discord with faction is big, 
Which is christen'd Reform by its father, the Whig, 
And shall seize like a grifiin each franchise and charter, 
When each law and each right to its fury fall martyr ; 
Then if rightly prophetic the future I trace, 
The leader of victory sinks in disgrace— 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



13 



The star of the vender of tallow shall rise. 

And glory come down with a crown from the skies ; 

Barilla and timber shall soon coalesce, 

And the fate of the good tallow- vender shall bless. 

Unfading their fame, as their sacrifice great, 

* Who leave a good trade to take care of the state. 



ACT II. 



On board the Ship, " The State," in the Channel. 
Sir Jacobin, Sweeper, Allsort, Lord John. 

Sir Jac. So here we are afloat, and soon shall prove 
Our vessel worthy of the sea, or no. 

Ld. John. I hold the helm — 'twere best we put to sea, 
Lest that great chief from whom we hold commissions 
Should veer and change his mind, and we be placed 
On the retired list — but we'll commit, him, 
Then he must with us whereso'er we sail. 

All. Most sage and provident advice — to sea, 
To sea ! 

Sir Jac. Boatswain, the tricolor aloft. 
But whither shall we cruise ? 

Ld. John. To France, 

And link with her in closest ties of union : 
With Belgium, too ; but we will first propose 
A joint stock telegraphic correspondence 
From Julius' Towers to distant Notre Dame, 

♦ Vid. Equxtes of Aristoph Mitch. Trans. 



14 THE REFORM DEFORMED. 

And hence in London gain the latest news 

Of movements of the mob, of patriotism, 

Of new disturbance, insurrection, 

And all that freedom which elates the French 

So far above ourselves ; and then, indeed, 

Should the old ship prove leaky, we'll refit 

At Calais, gain a cargo there of tricolors 

And costly wares from Paris — Freedom's mart. 

Henceforth shall universal England be 

But one free port, and nought be contraband. 

[Loud applause and cheers from all sides of the ship. 

Sir Jac. (aside to Sweeper.) This land surveyor, whom 
we've ta'en as pilot, 
Has high designs and much ambition ; 
And cunning phrase, and crafty eloquence : 
'Twere better we dismiss him, else his words 
Will give him overweening influence j 
He'll take command. 

Sweep. I '11 speak him fair. 

Good pilot, since we now have gain'd the channel, 
We give thee ample thanks for thy wise guidance ; 
But it were better far that some good head 
Remain'd at home to watch our interests 
And note the movements of the telegraph 
While we are gaining partisans abroad. 
And sure no mind is fitter for a charge 
Of such high import, than thine own, Lord John j 
The boat is lower 'd that should land thee straight 
Beneath yon rock. Thou'lt watch the tides 
And gather strength for us at home. 

[Lord John casts an imploring and disconsolate look 
on each countenance, but reads an unanimous consent, 
then walks out sullenly. 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 15 

Ld. John. Umph ! since it must be so, since all agree 
That I should take that part — I must submit. [Exit. 

Sir Jac. Well spoken, Sweeper : now we straight proceed 
Upon our voyage of discovery 5 
And, aided by his charts, we may explore 
New sandbanks, whirlpools, reefs of rocks 
Along the coast ; and o'er the tract of ocean 
Unknown to former mariners ; — and yet 
Lord John has deep designs — I do suspect 
His puny person holds a mighty soul. 

[Drum walks up and down the deck with an air of 
great self-importance and satisfaction, singing — 

" Old King Cole was a merry old soul, 
And a merry old soul was he," 

and then humming — 

" * Je suis le petit tambour 
De la garde nationale," 

&c. &c. &c. {Scene changes. 

SCENE II. 

Moonlight. — Time, Midnight. 

The scene is a view of Dover, taken from the sea, a row of cliffs 
fill up each side of the stage, and the sea the middle of it, 
which runs into a pier; heyond the pier is the Town of Dover; 
on each side of the Town is seen a very high hill, on one of 
which is the Castle of Dover; on the other the great stone 
called the DeviVs Drop-f. Lord John solus, seated upon the 

* When the above lines were written, it was rumoured that certain 
members of the Government objected to Lord John having a seat in the 
cabinet. 

f Vide Dryden's Albion and Albanius. 



16 THE REFORM DEFORMED. 

stone. One hand covers his face, while the other supports his 
umbrella, to protect him from the storm, as if in deep thought 
and melancholy. He starts up, closes his umbrella, shoulders 
it like a musket, and, rousing himself, whistles " Ca ira," walk- 
ing up and down with a truly martial air, advances, and, mount- 
ing on his tip toes, looks big. 

Ld. John. Yes, be it so — for ofttimes in the nursery, 
E'en while a child, and yet I am not big, 
They said my mind outstripp'd my body's growth, 
I could assume a look would fright a Frenchman, 
And that they knew who would not give me place j 
But were I only minister at war, 
I would upraise a tempest round themselves, 
Which, like a whirlwind, I within the centre, 
Should raise me o'er their heads, as I have seen 
Light straws and feathers by the storm uplifted, 
And towering to a lofty eminence : 
But yet again my mind ofttimes misgives, 
And I have dark and ominous forebodings. 

\_Lord John sits down again upon the stone — a low 
voice, as of a spirit in the air, is heard singing, 

SONG. 

They are gone, they are gone, 
And you here are left alone ; 
You who did slack all 
The moorings that tied her 5 
You who were jackal 

And lion's provider. 
Like a cat tied to a stone, 
Like a dog without a bone 5 
Like a cunning sophist caught 
By the dogmas that he taught ; 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 17 

Like a fowler in the net, 
Which for others he would set, 
Excluded from the cabinet. 

Lord John (as if awaking — stands up, and looks around). 

Hark ! how loud, how fierce, how dread, 

Howls the tempest round my head ! 

(Echo.) 
I may talk of our schemes now, since no one can hear : Hear. 
Is't the voice of the Echo that gives me reply? Ay. 

Then answer me truly, accomplish thy task, Ask. 

Say what the duration of Whigs in their power ? Hour. 
Ah, wherefore so brief ! does not every one know, No. 
That the Tories in office long caused discontent ? Content. 
Then who raised the voice of dissension — say who? You. 
To England what bodes the result of our bill ? 111. 

What toher do the schemes of theLordof th'Exchequer? Checkher. 
Will Reform not relieve all the system from flaws? Laws. 
And will it not rivet all hearts in affection? Faction. 

Give freedom to people, add vigour to monarchy ? Anarchy. 
To whom — when — where — can the people appeal? Peel. 
Vile Spirit, thou mock'st at our cunning device ! Vice. 
Then what shall ensue from the Commons' dissent? Descent. 
And must I all power and glory forego ? Go. 

Shall nought then pursue me but hatred and evil? Devil. 

SCENE III. 

Thunder. — Enter the Three Witches. 

M. Spen. Where hast thou been ? 

M. ~Dem. From far and wide, 

Upon the wind I hither ride. 
I have been across the sea, 
To th' utmost verge of Italy ; 



18 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



The towns that erst Alecto heard, 

I again to life have stirred, 

And revolution is the word. 

With it Naples, Venice ring — 

At Rome the Carbonari sing : 

As through Bologna last I went, 

I waked the voice of discontent -, 

I perched upon the highest Alp, 

And gazed from off its hoary scalp ; 

The Switzer now is ripe for riot — 

He was too happy to be quiet. 

I dipped my broomstick in the Seine — 

Paris longs for war again. 

Sister, where thou? 

Madge. Along the Rhine, 

Nor work'd less havoc in my line. 
And freedom was the watchword still, 
To do the work of harm and ill. 
All Luxembourg with plot is rife ; 
The lazy Belgian starts to life. 
In Germany our scheme is ripe, 
The idle burgher leaves his pipe 5 
Or, fuming 'mid his clouds of smoke, 
He writhes beneath domestic yoke. 
Rebellion's banners are unfurl'd, 
And stream across the restless world. 

M. Spen. You have been in fertile lands, 
Where faction never wanted hands. 
W T hile you across all Europe roam, 
I have sown the seeds at home. 
I have been both far and near, 
And " sown rebellion every where." 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 19 



I have had a nobler theme, 

I have plann'd a bolder scheme ; 

For since you went, a cabinet 

Of Whigs to guide the state, is set. 

And first, I've got as Grey a cat 

As e'er was bred aristocrat, 

Or ever mew'd and cried Reform. 

Another master of our storm, 

Who has long caterwaul'd without, 

Now coming in, turns others out. 

And next Sir Jacobin the Great, 

Commands the good old ship " The State 

He and De Spencer of th' Exchequer, 

Are seeking rocks whereon to wreck her. 

Reform's the word, revolt's the cause, 

For which old England 's framing laws, 

In a hot and angry mood, 

Which might as well be writ in blood ; 

And nought but discontent is steady, 

And I have made a cauldron ready ; 

And soon the vessel shall be broke, 

And we shall get her ribs of oak, 

And season 'd planks be set for fuel ; 

Then lose we not the time to do ill : 

The flame shall never lack provisions, 

While the Whigs send in petitions. 

Before the bows, beneath the sprit, 
The cap of liberty is set, 
With cable cut and anchor free, 
They drift before a raging sea, 
Without a helm, with cracking mast, 
They sail along the flood so fast 3 



b2 



20 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



Her shrouds unbraced, her stays unlaced, 
The yards are bending, sails are rending, 
Spars are shivering, timbers quivering ; 
How she seems to roll and dip — 
Mark how sails the Patriot ship. 
The jacobins sail merrily. 

Sister, sister, do not stay 
Upon the waves ; go, sport and play, 
And see the ship be cast away ; 
Come, let us now our parts perform, 
And scrape a hole and raise a storm*. 

Enter Hecate. 
Why, how now, Hecat', you look angerly ? 

Hecate. Have I not reason, beldames, as you are, 
Saucy and overbold ! how did you dare 

To trade and tramck with L. R 1, 

And thus in state affairs to bustle ? 

And I, the mistress of your charms, 

The close contriver of all harms, 

Was never call'd to bear my part, 

Or show the glory of our art ? 

And, which is worse, all you have done 

Hath been but for a wayward son, 

Spiteful and wrathful 3 who, as others do, 

Loves for his own ends, not for you. [Music and a song. 

Hark ! I am call'd 3 my little spirit, see, 

Sits in a foggy cloud, and waits for me f. 

[Song within — " Come away, come away," &c. 

M. Spen. Come, let's make haste, she'll soon be back again. 

[Exeunt. 

* See Lancashire Witches. -J- Vide Macbeth. 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 21 

SCENE IV. 

A Street in London. 

Enter Joseph and John Bull, with several Citizens in 
conversation. 

Joseph. Peace, cousin, say no more - } 
And now I will unclasp a secret book, 
And to your quick conceiving discontents 
I'll read you matter, deep and dangerous, 
As full of peril and adventurous spirit, 
As to o'er walk a current, roaring loud, 
On the unsteadfast footing of a spear*. 

[Reads the Petitions for Reform. 

JohnBulL Now you have sought recruits throughout the realm ., 
And gather'd force, and strove t' enlist 
The troops of discontented 'neath your banners, 
And you have travell'd far, and call'd for aid, 
And advertised in vain too long. 
At length you've stirr'd their lazy spirits up, 
For all you know — but tell it not without, 
Lest that men call your honesty in question, 
t These things, indeed, you have articulated, 
Proclaim'd at market crosses, read in churches, 
To face the garment of rebellion 
With some fine colour that may please the eye 
Of fickle changelings and poor discontents, 
Which gape, and rub the elbow, at the news 
Of hurly burly innovation -, 
And never yet did insurrection want 
Such water-colours to impaint his cause ; 
Nor moody beggars, starving for a time 
Of pell mell havoc and confusion. [Exeunt. 

* First Part of Henry IV. f Ibid. 



22 THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



ACT III. 

SCENE I. 

* Scene, a dark Cave, in the middle a great Cauldron burning. 

Thunder. — Enter the Three Witches. 

M. Spen. Thrice the grizzled cat had mew'd. 
M. Dem. Thrice and once the rats have squeak'd. 
Madge. Discord cries, 'tis time, 'tis time ! 
M. Spen. Round about the cauldron go, 
In the poison 'd entrails throw ! 
Take the Constitution's back, 
Which has long been on the rack : 
Tear her ruthless limb from limb, 
And throw her in, to sink or swim. 

AIL Double, double, toil and trouble : 
Fire, burn j and, cauldron, bubble. 

M. Spen. Throw the Noble's coronet, 
Bloody hand of Baronet, 
Ducal star, and Knightly garter ; 
Corporation's, Borough's charter, 
And all obnoxious ranks, that clog 
The progress of the Demagogue ; 
For a charm of powerful trouble, 
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. 

All. Double, double, toil and trouble, 
Fire, burn ; and, cauldron, bubble. 

M. Spen. Bishop's mitre, priestly gown, 
Tithe pig's head, therein be thrown ; 
Cast all in, and never note 
Charter'd franchise, right, or vote. 

* Vid. Macbeth. 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 

Let all see^ since none remark, 

Deeds that once were hid i' the dark.; 

Pare some shavings from the horn 

Of England's stately unicorn. 

All that good men wish to cherish, 

In the cauldron fall and perish ; 

Make the potion keen and rank, 

Such as faction ever drank. 

Last, not least, therein be thrown, 

Ancient England's royal crown. 

All. Double, double, toil and trouble, 
Fire, burn ; and, cauldron, bubble. 

M. Spen. Cool it with the Lion's blood, 
Which long by England's scutcheon stood ; 
Then the charm is firm and good. 

Enter Hecate and other Three Witches. 

Hec. Oh ! well done ! I commend your pains 5 
And every one shall share i' the gains. 
And now about the cauldron sing, 
Like elves and fairies in a ring, 
Enchanting all that you put in. 

Music and a Song. 

Black spirits and white, 
Blue spirits and Grey, 
Mingle, mingle, mingle, 
You that mingle may. 
M. Dem. By the pricking of my thumbs, 
Something wicked this way comes — 
Open, locks, whoever knocks. 



23 



24 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



Enter Lord John. 



Ld. John. How now, you secret black and midnight hags — 
What is't you do ? 

M. Spen. A deed without a name. 

Ld. John. I conjure you by that which you profess, 
(Howe'er you come to know it) answer me 
To what I ask you. 

M. Spen. Speak. 

M. Dem. Demand. 

Mad. We'll answer. 

M. Spen. Say, if thou 'dst rather hear it from our mouths, 
Or from our masters ? 

Ld. John. Call them — let me see them. 

M. Spen, * Shadows of faction, 
Shadows of power, 
Rise up to action — 
This is the hour. 
Come quickly — come all — 

Your images render, 
As the spectre to Saul 

By the black witch of Endor. 
Arise, every form, 

That our eyes may behold 
The model in storm 

Of the man I would mould. 
Dark as the midnight 

Ere Etna's eruption, 
Appear every sprite 

At my calling and option. 

* Vide Lord Byron's Deformed Transformed. 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 25 

Vile demagogues, 

Demons who wore 
The forms of deep rogues, 

And rebels of yore. 
Let th' insurgents of Rome 
And of Athens advance, 
Till downward we come 

To the demons of France. 
Shadows of faction, 

Shadows of power, 
Rise up to action — 
This is the hour. 

[Shade of Callixenus appears. 
Ld. John. What do I see ? 

M. Spen. The bold Athenian, who 

Impeach'd the conquerors of Arginusae — 
He who condemn'd victorious generals, 
Laden with trophies and the spoils of conquest, 
Because a tempest shatter'd a few ships. 
It was intolerable that one man 
Should dare, he cried, to bound th' authority 
O' the people. When a thousand voices cried : 
In truth it was unheard of, for a man 
To try or wish to curb the people's will ; 
That whosoe'er should check the multitude, 
His fate the selfsame ballot should decide, 
As that by which the generals fell. 

Ld. John. The democratic Callixenus — I 
Desire power and greatness more than fame. 
M. Spen. Pass by — Behold another. 

[Shade of Tiberius Gracchus. 
Ld. John. Who is he ? 

M. Spen. Th' ambitious offspring of a noble sire, 



26 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 



Famed for his prudence and ability 

In senate and the field — the son was born 

To noble deeds — a manly eloquence, 

A winning speech and patriotism 

Made him sedition's active instrument ; 

A proud desire and a too frantic zeal 

For popularity, first urged him on 

To deeds of treason. — Dost thou wish t' invest 

Thee with the tribune's form ? 

Ld. John. Would that I had 

Been born with it ! But since I may choose further, 
I will look further. 

M. Spen. Go, Agrarian tribune. [Shade of Catiline. 

Ld. John. Who's this whose changeful eye and haggard look, 
Quick and unequal step and madden'd aspect, 
Bespeaks distemper'd mind ? 

M. Spen. 'Tis Catiline. 

Tis Tully's great opponent — he who dared 
Conspire against the majesty of Rome, 
Infringe her laws, and wage domestic war; 
His was a noble precedent to follow. 

Ld. John. Ay, but he was unhappy. I would choose 
To imitate some fav'rite child of fortune. 

M. Spen. Go hence, conspirator. 

[Shade of Bonaparte. 

Ld. John. What form is this 
That looks a king ? 

M. Spen. The black- eyed Corsican, with 

The eagle's beak between those eyes, which ne'er 
Beheld a conqueror, or look'd along 
A battle that he lost — save Waterloo. 
Uniting Caesar's soul with Mithridates. 

Ld. John. His was a course I might aspire to track ; 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 27 

But though the meteor shed a brilliant gleam, 
It ended in black night. 

M. Spen. Pass on. 

[Shade of Oliver Cromwell. 

Ld. John. What form is this 

With swarthy hue, low stature, fleshy nose, 
Whose face, disfigured by unseemly warts, 
Yet shows a look of stubborn hardihood ; 
Whose penetrating eye gleams fierce beneath 
A brow bespeaking habit of command, 
With all the stamp of sternness and ambition ? 

M. Spen. Tis he whose character was mark'd by lines 
As dark and fathomless as were his schemes : 
A mind of vast and dangerous enterprise, 
A courage prompt and fitted for command ; 
A temper haughty and imperious : 
And yet a master of dissimulation, 
Of deep, refined, and subtle artifice, 
With semblance of a meek simplicity ; 
Engaged in crimes from prospect of vast power, 
Temptation irresistible to men 5 
A sovereign not crown' d but by success — 
'Tis Cromwell, the Protector. 

Ld. John. I'm content 

To take his form. 

M. Spen. 'Tis worthy of yourself. 

I give to you his form, but not his greatness : 
I have it not to give $ but you may soon 
Acquire that, if Whigs remain in oftice, 
And Jacobin is left to guide the helm. 
Lord John, become thou Cromwell. — Now, farewell, 
And prosper. I must go. [Exit Mal Spencer. 

Lord John. I must soon 

Try how my clothing fits my character. [Exit. 



28 THE REFORM DEFORMED. 

SCENE II. 

John Bull and a Merchant. 

John Bull. Good morrow S — these are stormy times indeed. 
Hark, how the thunder peals — a boisterous night 
For those at sea.- — What news upon th' Exchange? 

Merch. Bad news for some who have their bills protested, 
Bills of Exchange accepted and dishonour d. 
Besides, you know, that, heedless of the blast, 
Which, big with storm and fierce destruction, 
Blows from the Flemish and the Gallic coast, 
Some rash land-lubbers late have put to sea, 
In a good ship of ancient workmanship. 
They bear for oriflamme a tricolor, 
" Reform" the motto for their new crusade. 
The ship was richly freighted, which, because 
They knew not how to guide, and scarce could tell 
An anchor from a rudder, miss'd her stays : 
B'neath press of sail, she drifted with the wind 
Full on a rocky shore, when soon arose 
A mutiny on board, for all would rule, 
And none obey — since they at first resolved 
That each should govern in diurnal rote. 
The tempest raged so fiercely and so long, 
They had forgot whose turn to rule ; and each 
Would C( ride the whirlwind and direct the storm j" 
Ay, each would be commander 5 thus the ship 
Drifted towards the rocks and raging eddies* 

John Bull. May they then quell the storm who first upraised it ! 
They praised with slavish tongue the rabble rout, 
And pamper 'd Freedom now between her jaws 
Has seized the bit while they let loose the rein, 
And headlong madly runs. Let them who spurr'd, 



THE REFORM DEFORMED. 29 

Now check her course, and curb her frantic race 
O'er broken laws and violated charters. 
They taught the practice of the Rights of Man, 
Now let them earn the profits if they can. 
How fared it with the ship ? 

Merch. I now proceed 

To say she drifted on the rocks, and struck, 
And strained, and labour'd hard, while loud and fierce 
The lashing waves broke o'er her oaken sides, 
And seem'd to threaten her destruction. They 
Blasphemed the mighty dead of yore, who built 
The sacred vessel of the State 5 and said 
'Twas not their erring judgment placed her 'twixt 
The dark and perilous Symplegades. 
They would have steer'd her safely o'er the main, 
But their sires' folly marr'd their noble aims. 
They then cast ballast from th' endanger'd ship; 
And, thinking she would sink, they, some in boats, 
And some on rafts and floating spars, deserted her. 

John Bull. And were the crew all saved ? 

Merch. I neither know 

Nor care 5 though some were lost 'twere no great harm. 
But what were worse, the vessel had been sunk. 
But some brave seamen who had often steer'd 
A frigate 'mid the loudest, wildest gales, 
And weather'd many a tempest, saw the ship 5 
And hasting to their sure and ready bark, 
Sail'd fearlessly amid the raging surf, 
Gain'd her, deserted by that recreant crew, 
And hove her off, and saved her from the waves ; 
Albeit, she heaved and roll'd, and struggled long, 
I hear, though damaged by the Jacobins ; 
Though all her beauteous tracery of spars, 



30 THE REFORM DEFORMED. 

And all her goodly rigging rent, yet they 
Have brought the venerable ship to port. 

SCENE III. 

Enter Lord John in the appearance of Cromwell, with the wild 
gaze of one distracted, vwinging his hands. 

Alas, what awful tidings meet my ears ! 
The mariners all drown'd ! — oh, direful day ! 
And I invested in the fearful form 
Of one who terrified humanity. 
I now no more command respect or homage — 
I shrink, and hide my guilty head, and screen 
Me from the pointing finger and the gibe, 
Become an object more of scorn than fear ; 
For all men, e'en my friends, deny me now, 
And shake the head, and grin, and mock at me. 
Thus, like a wounded deer, deserted and 
Forsaken, since dire fate has blighted all 
Our soaring hopes. Now must I fly the herd, 
As one contaminated with disease. 
Actaeon, metamorphosed to a stag, 
Chased by the hungry hounds, that in his cry 
Knew not the voice of their once cherish'd lord, 
Was not by half so worthy of compassion ; 
Since, like the ass within the lion's hide, 
I 'm loved or fear'd bv none — but all deride. 



THE END. 



LONDON: 

PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS. 



SERIO-COMIC FARCE. 



Scene. — State Room at St. James's, smelling of Tobacco. 

Round a fire, at one end, on which a pot is boiling, are circled a 
group of Thieves and Sturdy Beggars with cropped hair, dressed 
in ermine and velvet and threadbare uniforms, with violets in 
their button-holes, and most wearing red caps ; beside them is 
a table with cards and dice. — Two are engaged at chess. 



First, watching the pot, says — 

Now's the time, for we are tip, 
The scum has risen to the top. 

Daniel, how goes the chess ? 

Dan. Glorious ! I've played him a Rubber. All his Pawns 
are taken — his Bishops knocked down — his Knights killed. All 
his Castles are mine. His Queen en prise, and the King in 
check in a corner. 

First. That's right — the game is yours. He gives it up. 

Second. Let's have a game at cards — say Commerce? 

All. Commerce ! ! — oh ! no, no. Down with Commerce. 

Dan. Agreed. — I propose a game at Cribbage. 

All. Excellent. 

[After much shuffling and shifting, they play a round 
game : Clubs turn up Trumps : many tricks are 
played ,• and the Knave of Clubs wins the game. 
They then play at beggar my neighbour. A 
Song being called for, First Beggar sings. 

RECITATIVE. 

* Now hey for the commonwealth, 
We merrily dance and sing • 
'Tis to the nation's health — 
For every man's a King. 

2c? Beggar f. Life is all a variorum, 

We regard not how it goes ; 
Let them cant about decorum 
Who have characters to lose. 

Chorus. A fig for those by law protected ! 

Liberty 's a glorious feast ! 
Courts for cowards were erected, 
Churches built to please the priest. 

* Vide Dryden. f Vide Burns' Jolly Beggars. 



SERIO-COMIC FARCE. 

Enter a Knight without a garter ; a Baronet without a bloody 
hand ; a Bishop without a mitre ; a Duke without a star ; a 
Noble without a coronet-, and a King with a Commoners head on. 
Head speaks — 
The Head preceding this, once bore a Crown ; 
This royal trunk once occupied a Throne 
An hundred Kings had filled : this royal hand 
Wielded a Sceptre once, and gave command ; 
This neck majestically bore a head, 
Whose frown or nod once pain or pleasure shed 
On foes or friends j and from this breast did flow 
The blood which mantled in a kingly brow. 
This royal hand, alas ! is now unfit 
To serve this common head's plebeian wit; 
These lungs, whose breath, of yore, could sanction law, 
Respire ; but neither gain respect nor awe. 
Enter a large deputation of Englishmen, at which the group of 

Rogues and Beggai's look very blue, and slink away. 
The first of the procession bears the original revered Head, with 
the Crown on it : then follow others in order, bearing the 
Noble's coronet, the Ducal star, the Prelates mitre, the Ba- 
ronet's bloody hand, and the Knightly garter, which they offer 
on their knees to their respective rightful owners, singing, 
The Reign of Terror now is ended, 
Justice comes in Reason's train ; 
England's Rights shall be defended, 
And each receive his own again. 
Royal Head sings — 
My people tell me, have you seen my body pass this way, 
In form the husband of a Queen in beggarly array ; 
Upon its head no Regal Crown it wore, 
And its hand no Sceptre bore. 
My people tell me, &c. 

The Commoners Head, seeing the Royal Head, rolls off, in 
a fright, singing, 

My low-born body give me back again, 
A low-born body suits a low-born brain : 
Too quickly circulates the royal tide, 
T' oppress the brain that was the people's pride : 
The world turns round and round — help ! help ! I sink ! 
My kingdom for my body, and some drink ! 

The Royal Hands replace the Royal Head and. Crown. 
Music sounds — they all dance, joyfully singing Gop save 
the King. 




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