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DOOLEYS OPINIONS TORONTO THE COPP, CLARK CO.. LIMITED 1902 Cofiyright, igoo-igot, by Robert Howard Russell AU rights rtserved Entered at ihe Library of Congress, Washington, D.C., U.S.A. Entered at Stationers' Hall, London, England Prititedin the Umteti Staler CONTENTS I 3 Page Christian Science . , 3 L,iFE AT Newport . 13 The Supreme Court's Decisions ^i Disqualifying the Enemy 29 Amateur Ambassadors The City as a Summer Resort 45 An Editor's Duties ^ „ 55 On the Poet's Fate 63 The Yacht Races . 71 On Athletics . . 79 On Lying . . . 87 Discusses Party Politics 93 The Truth about Schley lOI Fame . . . 109 Cross-Examinations Thanksgiving . . ' ' V "^ Contents Page On the Midway ,^- Mr. Carnegie's Gift ... -,., The Crusade against Vice ,,^ The New York Custom House ,6i Some Political Observations j,, Youth and Age ,gj On Wall Street jg^ Colleges and Degrees ,„„ The Booker Washington Incident .... 207 vl Mr, Doolefs Opinions CHRISTIAN SCIENCE ci.B^g::3 Mr. Dooley's Opinions CHRISTIAN SCIENCE w 'HAT 'S Christyan Science ? " asked Mr. Henuessy. " 'T is wan way iv gettia' th' money," said Mr. Dooley. " But what 's it like ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. " Well," said Mr. Dooley, " ye have somethin' th' mat- ther with ye. Ye have a leg cut off." " Th' Lord save us ! " exclaimed Mr. Hennessy. " That is, ye think ye have, ' Mr. Dooley went on. " Ye think ye have a leg cut off. Ye see it goin' an' says ;-j to ye'ersilf : « More expinse. A wooden leg.' Ye think ye have lost it. But ye re wrong. Ye 're as well as iver ye was. Both legs is attached to yc, on'y ye don't know it. Ye call up a Christyan Scientist, or ye'cr wife doe.,. Not raanny men is Christyan Scientists, but .near all women is, in wan way or another. Ye'6r wife calls up a Christyan Scientist, an' says she : ' Me husbaid thinks he 's lost a leg,' she says. ' Nonsense,' says th' Christyan Scientist, she says Tr she's a woman too. 'Nonsense,' k - she. 3 :! i Mr. Doolefs Opinions ' No wau iver lost a leg,' she says. ' Well, 't is stlirange,' says th* wife. 'He's mislaid it, thin,' she says, 'fr he has n't got it,' she says. ' »Ic 02.'y f 'inks he's lost it,' says til' Christyau Scientist. ' Lave him think it on again, she says. 'Lave hini raymimber,' she says, 'they'se^no such thing in t:,' wurruld,' she says, 'as pain an' irijuiy,' she say... ' Lave him to put his mind hard to it,' she says, 'an' I'll put mine,' she says, 'an' we'll all put our minds to it, an' 't will be all r-right,' she says. So she thinks an' th' wife thinks an' ye think th' best ye know how, an' afther awhile a leg comes peepin' out with a complete set iv tootsies, an' oe th" time t:.' las' thought is expinded, ye have a set iv as well-nmtched gambs as ye iver wore to a picnic. But ye mustn't stop thinkin' or ye'er wife or th' Christyan Scientist. If wan iv ye laves go th' rope, th' leg '11 get discouraged an' quit growin'. Manny a mln 's sprouted a limb on'y to have it stop between th' ankle an' th' shin because th' Christyau Scientist was called away to see what ailed th' baby." "Sure, 'tis all foolishness," said Mr. Hennessy. "Well, sir, who can tell?" said Mr. Dooley. "If jt wasn't fr medical progress, I'd be sure th' Christyan Scientists was wrong. Put th' doctor who attinded me whin I was young 'd be thought as loonatical if he was alive to-day as th' mos' Christyan Scientist that iver ray- jooced a swellin' over a long-distance tUlyphone. He Christian Science inthrajooced near th' whole parish into this life iv sin an' sorrow, he give us jalomel with a shovel, bled us lika a polia captain, an' niver thought anny medicine was good if it did n't choke ye goin' down. I can see him now as he come w^ dhrivin" an ol' gray an' yellow horse in a buggy. He had whiskers that he cud tie in a knot round his waisr,, an' him an' th' priest was th' on'y two men in tii' neighborhood that carried a goold watch. He use ' to say '* was th' healthiest parish in ti»' wurruld, barrin' hangin's an' thransportations, an' thiin come in Father Hickey's province. Ivrybody thought he was a gr-reat man, but they wudden't lave bini threat u spavin in these days. He was catch-as-catch-can, an' he 'd tackle annythin' fr'm pnoomony iv th' lungs to premaclmre bald- ness. He'd Kiver hoerd iv mickrobes an' nayther did I till a few years ago, whin I was tol' they was a kind iv animals or bugs that crawls d around in ye like spiders. I see iiitchers iv thim in th' pa-apers with eyes like pooched eggs till I dhreamcd wan night I was a hayloft full iv bats. Thin th' dock down th' sthreet set me r-right. He says th' mickrobes is a vigitable, an' ivry man is like a conserva- tory full iv niillyons iv these potted plants. Some ar-re good f r ye, an' some ar-re bad. Whin th' chube roses an' geranyums is flourishin' an' liftiu' their dainty petals to th' sun, ye 're healthy, but whin th' other flower gets th' best iv these nosegays, 'tis time to call in a doctor. Th' doctor 5 Mr, Doolefs Opinions \ 18 a kiud iv gardner fr yc. Tis his business fr to en- courage th' good mickrobes, niakin' two pansics grow where wan grew befure, an' to hoe out th' Canjycen thistle at.' th' milkweed. "Well, that sounds all r-right, an' I sind fr a doctor. ' Dock,' says I, ' me vilots ar-re thinuin' out, an' I feel as though I was full iv sage brush,' I say. Th' dock puts a glass chube in me mouth an' says, ' Don't bite it.' ' D'ye think I'm a glass eater?' says I, talkin' through mc teeth like a Kerry lawyer. • What 's it f r ? ' I says. ' To take ye'er timprachoor,' says he. While I have th' chube in me mouth, he jabs me thumb with a needle an' laves th' room. He comes back about th' time I'm r-ready to sthrangle an' removes th' chube. ' How high does she .spout ? ' Tays I. 'Ninety-nine; says he. ' Good hivcns : ' hays I. 'Don't come near me, dock, or ye '11 be su" sthruck,' I says. ' I 've just examined ye'er blood,' he says. ' Ye 're full iv weeds,' he cays. Be that time I'm scared to death, an' I say \ few prayers, whin he fixes a hose to me chest an' begins listenin'. 'Annythin' goin' on inside?' Nays I. «Tis ye'er heart,' says he. 'Glory be!' says I. 'What's th' matther with that ol' ingine?" says I. 'I cud tell ye,' he says, 'but I'll have to call in Dock Vinthricle, tii' specyalist,' he says. ' I ought n't be lookin' at ye'er heart at all,' he says. ' J „iver larncd below th' cl.i,,, an' I 'd be fired be th' Union if they knew I was wurrukin' on th' 6 Christian Science heart,' he says. So he slnds Tr Dock Viiithricle, an' th' dock climba me chest an' listens, an' tliin he says : ' They'se aomethin' th' matther witli his lungs too,' he says. ♦ At times they 're full iv air, an' again,' he says, ' they ain't,' he says. 'Sind fr Bellows,' he says. Bellows comes an' pounds me as though I was a roof he was shinglin', an' sinds fr Dock Laporatteny. Th' dock sticks his finger into me side. ' What 's that f r ? ' says I. ' That 's McBumey's point,' he says. 'I don't see it,' says I. ' McBurney muFt have had a fine sinse iv humor.' ' Did it hurt ? ' says he. ' Not,' says I, ' as much as though ye 'd used an awl,' says I, ' or a chisel,' I says ; ' but,' I says, ' it did n't tickle,' I says. " He shakes his head an' goes out iv th' room with th* others, an' they talk it over at tin dollars a minyit while I'm layin' there at two dollars a day — docked. Whin they come back, wan iv thim says : ' This here is a mos' inthrestin' case, an' we must have th' whole class take a look into it,' he says. ' It ' means me, Hinnissy. ' Dock,' he says. ' Ye will remove its brain. Vinthricle, ye will have its heart, an', Bellows, ye will take its lungs. As fr me,' he says, ' I will add wan more vermiform appindix to me belt,' he says. * 'T is sthrange how our foolish pre- decessors,' says lie, 'niver got on to th' dangers iv th' vermiform appindix,' he says. 'I have no doubt that that's what kilt Methusalem,' he says. So they mark 7 Mr. Doo/efs Opinions "«| tl.e:r wumik „„ « with a pieve ,v rcHl cWk „• ^'"M i,„rtdi, fe„„» ,„„, „^ ^.„, .„ ^^ «; ^« .-P.=k, . scold „ateh, .„. . pai, ■„ ,„Z C Z::Z he 4d„. .h„,v .„„,,„„, i, j, ^ ^^ Jingled wlim he walked. "Thafe what the, do with ,e nowaday, Hinntav "7 ..n.e I go into Do^k Ca.id/. office, he 61.^1. bok that ™ake, n.e wish. , .d „o,e a anit iv cl!i„ arl H« ,cs «em to «.,, • Can I come i„ r Between th' Chns ,a„ Sc,enti,ta .„• hi„, 't i, . ,„c.ti„„ i, ,h,t,,c, ' want to be threated like a Uojtic „, ,ikc a can iv Z B.n-ed v,s,.aWe.. Father Kell, aaj, th' .tjlea iv JZ- e.ne change, like th' ..yie. iv ha... Whin he waa a W, thejg,ve ,e ,„ini„e fr whativer ailed ye, an' now thev pve ,e ath,ehni„e, an' ne,' ,car them begivin'^ptl «e «,d, maybe. He aay. they™ findin' „!„ Z^. matther w,th ,e i„j, day, „,•„,• .hi„^ that have Z be half ,v ns U be mie, an' th' «,fll be mbhcr. He „s tkey ought to enforce th' law iv a«„,t with . deal weepu, .g.,„ th' docton. He saj, that if the, knew Ic'- 8 Christian Science about pizeu a»' more about gruel, an' opened fewer patient- an' more windows, they'd not be so nianny Christyan Scientists. He says th' diff'rence between Clmstyan Scien- tists an' doctors is that Cliristyan Scientists thinic they'se no such thi,;g as disease, an' doctors think there ain't auuy- thni' else. An' tiiero ye ar-re." " What d'ye think about it ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. "I think," said Mr. Dooley, "that if th' Christyan Scientists had some science an' th' d(»ctors more Christ- yanity. it wuddcn't make anny diff'rence which ye called in — if ye had a good nurse." ':M LIFE AT NEWPORT 11 I LIFE AT NEJVPORT GREi^ BEAT goiii's on at Newport," said Mr. Doolej. - " What •« Xcwport ? " said iMr. Hcnnessy. r-read about it ivry day in tli' pa-aper," said Mr. Dooloy; «an' I know. 'Tis th' socyal capital iv America this here pa-aper sajs. 'Tis like Wasli'nton ou'y it costs more. Tis where th' socjal ligislachure' meets wanst a year an' decides how long we '11 wear our coats this season an' how often, an' how our yachts '11 be cut an- our frlnds. 'Tis there th' millyionaire meets his wife that was an' inthrajooces her to his wife tliat is to be if she can break away fr'in her husband that oughtn't to 've been. " Yes, sir, it must be th' gran' place. But 't is no aisy thing livin- there. In th' first place, ye must have th' money an' ye must have th' look iv havin' it, an' ye must look as though it belonged to ye. That last 's th' hardest thing ,v all. No matther how much coin a man has if it hasn't been siparated fr'm th' man that arned it so long that th' man that has it can go ar-round without th' fear IV a mechanics lien in his eye, they tear up his ticket at th box-office. Xot fr him th' patent midicine dance 13 Mr, Doolefs Opinions I ' ! H where tli' nobility goes as little liver pills, not fr him th' vigitable party where th' signs iv aristocrasy appears radjantly clad as onions an" egg-plants, not fr him tii' jolt fr'm Mrs. Bilcoort or th' quick left fr'm Mrs. Rjis- thcr. lie 8 set back to about Cooney Island, an' there he stays till his money stops baggin' at th' knees an" climbin" up over th' collar. " But 't is th' millyionaire's dhream to land there. He starts in as foreman in a can fucthry. By an' by, he lams that wan iv th' men wurrukin' fr him has invinted a *jp that ye can opin with a pair iv scissors, an' he throws Inm down an' takes it away fr'm him. lie 's a robber, says ye ? He is while he 's got th' other man down. But whin he gets up, he 's a magnate. Thin he sells out his wurruks t(. a thrust, an' thin he sells out th' thrust to th' thrustful, an' thin he begins his weary march to Newport. First he has a house on Mitchigan Avnoo with ir'n dogs on th' lawn. Then he builds a palachial mansion at Oconomowoc. They're beginnin' to hear about him now. Thin he moves down to th' sea-shore an' roughs it with th' Purytans, an' fin'lly he lands. 'Tis a summer's mornin' as his vacht steams slowly up to Newport. Th' aged millyionaire is propped up on th' deck, an' as th' sunlight sthrikes tii' homes iv luxury an' alinmny, a smile crosses his face. ' Is that til' house iv xMra. Rasther ? ' ho says. ' It is,' says th' weepin' fam'ly. ' An' is that wiiere Mr. A. £. I. 0. U. 14 Life at Newport an' sometimes W. an' Y. Belcoort lives an' has his bein'? ' 'That's th' house.' 'Thin,' he says, 'put me congress gaiters undher th' bed an' hide me fine-cut where none can see it,' he says. ' I die contint,' he says." " What do they do there?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Well, 'tis hard fr me to make out," said Mr. Dooley. " They must have their own throubles. Ivry day I r-read in th' pa-aper iv a horrible catastrophe at Newport. Here ye ar-re to-day. 'Misthcr Willie Hankerbilt met with a mo8' dhreadful an' provokin' accident to-day. While dhrivin' his cillybrated gasoline, Booney-Moonev five hun- dherd power autymobile, Purple Assassin, at a mo,lhratc rate iv wan hundherd miles an hour, accompanied be th' beautiful Countess Eckstein (who was formerly Mrs Casey-Kelly, whose husband's marredge with her aunt was cillybrated at Saint Gogo's-on-th'-hill las' week) i,c was r-run into be wan Thomas Sullivan, a painther em- ployed be Mrs. Reginald Steenevant, who is soon to occupy th' handsome house, Dove Villa, which is part IV th' settlement allowed her be th' Dakota coorts. Mr Hankerbilt was onable to tura aside to avoid th' col- lision, an' it was on'y be a supreme efibrt that he kep' fr'm bcin' tipped over. He showed rare prisince iv mind on which he was congrathulated be 'h' whole colony' Snihvan showed no prisince iv mind at all ayether before or afther death. Manny iv th' cottagers ar-re talkin' v, 15 f i ,H Mr, Doolefs Opinions haviii' a law passed compellin' pedesthreens to ring a bell an* blow a hor-rn on their way to wurruk, otherwise they won't be a whole tire left in Newport. "An" if it isn't beiii' bumped into be pedesthreens, it's bcin' almost upset in a yacht or bein' almost dlirowned swimnn'n', or almost suffyeated ^t a gr.rden party. An' thin there ar-re burglars. There ar-re burglars that break into ye'er Iionse, an' there ar-re burglars that creep up be- hind ye an' give ye a wallop with a piece iv pipe an' steal ye'er dinner nights. Ye heerd about poor Mrs. Rasther. Well, sir, I almost cried. Ye sec, whoiver it was med Xewjmrt, wliin he laid out tli' spicifycations set :iside two days ivry week Vx Mrs. Rasther's dinno.. On tiiim days Mrs. Rasther was to eat. I don't know what she done on th' other days. But two dinners a week ain't much fr even a la.ly an' light feeder, an' ye can imagine this poor woman countin' th' days. 'Sundah, July eight, on'y two days to victuals.' ' Mondah, July nine, twinty-four hours to th" groceries.' 'Choosdr'., haven't time to write mc diry. 'A\insdah, in bed, docther thinks nawtlun' secry- ous.' Well, sir, wud ye believe it, ye won't, some on- scrupylcus persons, some shop-lifters, disgeescd as s'ciety leaders, some criminals, took off their shoes an' crept in an' hooked Mrs. Rasther's dinner nights. Stole thin,, be bivins. Liffo,, t„i,„ off th' line. I don't know how they done It, but here it is in th' pa-aper: 'Newport much 16 Life at Newport excited. Mrs. Rastlier's dinner nights stolen.' I hope they'll get afther tliim Red Learies iv Newport s'ciety an' bintince thim, an' I hope th' polis'il raycover Mrs, Rasthcr's dinner nights an' she can identity th' goods. Wiiat's it to be a s'ciety leader if ye can't eat. 'Tis an impty honor, be hivins. They "se nawthin' to it." " Well, why do they live there if it gives thim so much trouble ? " said Mr. Hennessy. " Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, " I guess they ain't much diff'rence between tii' very rich an' th' very poor. In th' ol' counthry whin a man got th' money, he used to buy an estate an' thry to get as far away fr'm annywan else as he cud, an' th' on'y time he see annywan was whin he wint to Dublin fr horse show week an' sold all his spavined horses to th' hated Sassenach, an' come back an' sobered up. But here 't is difTrent. Rich or poor, we want to be in sight an' sound iv neighbors or they 'se no fun in life. What made Mrs. Mulligan rayfuse las' year to go to live on th' tin acres her rich brother, th' plumber, offered her rint free? She needed comp'ny. She wanted to be where she cud get th' smell iv th' neighbors' cookin' an' brush th' clothes line aside an' talk acrost th' alley with Mrs. Schmittschmitt r. ee rollickin' Terry Duffy go by on his autymobile up fares. So it is with th' mill- yionaire. He's gm to have some wan to set on th' stoop iv his yacht with him chattin' about matth-rs iv th' Union, » 17 Mr, Doo. efs Opinions winle hi« wife has tl.' H'ciety iv other n.i!Iyio„airc«' wives an can give little Reg^y or Clamsa eight dollars a»' sind tlmn down to tl.' eorner fr a pail iv champagne. As more m.IIj..ona.re8 co.n.s up, th' place '11 be more an' more cro^vded. It'll 00 a conjisted disthrict. an' we'll r-read ;» th pa-apera iv a miliyionaire an' fam'ly iv eight livin' m wan room with on'y about two-be-four iv oxvgen fr each person. No, sir. they ain't th' breadth iv ye'er hand's d.ft rence between Mrs. Mulligan an' Mrs. Ganderbilk. If Tun Mulhgan ivcr shovels his waj into a thrust. Mrs. Mul- Ijan d hve at Newport, an' if Ganderbilk wint broke Mrs. Ganderbilk wud be in a tinin.ent. 'Tis th' soejal' feelin', Ilinnissy." ^ " We 're all alike," said Mr. Hennessy. "They ain't more thin three or four hundherd milJyion dollars djff rence between us," said Mr. Dooley 18 THE SUPREME COURTS DECISIONS 19 1 THE SUPREME COURTS DECISIONS I SEE." said Mr. Dooley, "Th' supreme coort has decided tli' constitution don't follow tii' flag.'' " Who said it did ? " aslccd .Mr. Hennessy. "Some wan," said Mr. Dooley. "It happened a long tniieago an' I don't raymin.ber clearly how it come up, but some fellow said that ivnwherc th' constitution wint, th' flag was sure to go. ' I don't believe wan wurrud iv it,' Hays th' other fellow. ' Ye can't make me think th' con- stitution is goin' thrapezin' around ivrywhere a young liftnant in th' ar-nny takes it into his head to stick a flag pole. It 's too old. It 's a home-stayin' constitution with a blue coat with bra.ss buttons onto it, an' it walks with a goold-headed cane. It 's old an' it 's feeble an' it prefers to set on th' front stoop an' amuse th' childher. It wudden't last a minyit in thim thropical climes. 'Twud get a pain in th' fourteenth amindmint an' die befure th' docfors cud get ar-round to cut it out. No, sir, we'll keep it with us, an' threat it tenderly without too much 21 Mr, Doo/efs Opinions hard wurriik, an' whio it i)Iii,v., out entirely we'll give it duciiit bursal an' incorpnitc oursiives under tli' laws iv X«o Jurscy. That 'a wlmt we 'II do,' says he. ' But,' says th' otiier, 'if it wants to thravel. why not lave it?' ' But it don't want to.' ' I say it does.' ' How 'II we find out ? ' ' We '11 ask tli' supreme coort. They '11 know what 's good fr it.' " " So it wint up to th' supreme coort. Tiiey 'sc wan thing about th' supreme eoort, if ye lave annything to thim, ye lave it to thim. Ye don't get a eheek tha,- entitles yc to call fr it in an hour. The supreme co, . iv th' United States ain't in aiiny hurry about catcliin' th' mails. It don't have to make th' las' car. I 'd back th' Aujitoroom again it anny day fr a foot race. If ye're lookin' f r a game iv quick decisions an" base hits, ye 'vc got to hire another empire. It niver gives a decision till th' crowd has dispersed an' th' players have packed their bats in th' bags an' started fr home. '• F'r awhile ivrybody watched to see what th' supreme coort wud do. I knew mesilf \ felt I cuddcn't make anotiier move in th' game till I hecrd f.'in thim. Buildia' op'rations was suspindcd an' we sthud wringin' our haiuls outside th' dure waitin' fr information fr'm th' bedside. _' What 're they doin' now ? ' ' They just put th' argymints IV larncd counsel in th' ice box an' th' chief justice is ir. a corner writiu' a pome. Brown J. an' Harlan J. is dis- 22 The Supreme Courtis Decisions cussin' til' condition iv th' Ituniuii J:nii)irc bcfuro tli* fire. Tir r-iest iv til' court is coiisidlieriii' tli' qucstit.n iv wliethcr tliev on-lit or ouyl.t not to wear riicliin' on their Bkirts an* liopin' crinoline won't conic in again. No deci- Hion to-day ? ' An' so it wint I'r days, an' weeks an' months. Th' men that had aif,'yicd that tli' constitution ought to hhadow th' flag to all th' tough resorts on th' Passyfic coast an' th' men that argyied that th' flag was so lively tiiat no constitution cud follow it an' survive, they died or h-st their jobs or wint back to Salem an' were figottcn. Expansionists contracted an' anti-expansionists blew up an' little childher was born into th' wurruld „n' grew to manhood an' niver heerd iv Portlier Ricky except whin some won get a job there. I 'd about made up me mind to thry an' put th' thing out iv me thoughts an' go back to wurruk when I woke up wan mornin'an' see be th' pa-aper that th' Supreme Coort had warned th' constitu- tion to lave th' flag alone an' tind to its own business. " That 's what tli' pa-aper says, but I 've r-read over th' decision an' I don't see annything iv th' kind there. They 'se not a wurnid about th'flag an' not enough to tire ye about th' institution. 'Tis a matther iv limons. Ilinnissy, that th' Supreme Coort has been settin' on fr this gincration — a cargo iv limons sint fr'in Porther Ricky to some Eyetalian in Pliilydelphy. Th' decision was r-read be Brown J., him bcin' th' las' justice to make up his 23 Mr, Doo/efs Opinions minJ, an' ex-,)ftlcio, us Ih.-a,, says, tlf tint to spcuk, nfther a crool an' bittl.cr contest. Sa^» Brown J. ; ' Th' question here m wan iv such gr-reat importance that we've been Hthrujjglin* oviT it ivcr since je sec us la»' an' oix'y come to a decision (I'ullcr C. J., Graj J., Harlan J, Sl.iras J., McKenna J., White J., Brewer J., an' Pcckhani J. dis- scntin' fr'm me an' each other) because iv tii' hot weather coniin' on. Wash'n'ton is a dhreadful place in summer (Fuller C. J. dissentin). Th' whole fabric iv our govern- ment is threatened, th' lives iv our i)e.)ple an' th' pro-gre^s iv civilization put to th' bad. Men ar-rc excited. But why? We ar-re not. (Harlan J., " F am." Fuller C. J. dissentin', but not I'r th' «ame reason.) This thins? must be settled wan way or th' other undl.er that dear ol' con- stitution be varchue iv which we are here an' yc ar-ro there an' Congress is out West practicin' law. Now what does tir con.stitution say ? Wc 'II look it up thoroughly whin we get throu-'i v ;■?, this uisr- (tli' rest iv th' coort dissentin'). 1„ th' manctimc we must be governed be th' ordnances iv th' Khan iv Bclooci.i.stan, th' laws iv Hinnery th' Eighth, th' opinyon iv Justice iv th' Peace Oscar Larson in th' case iv th' township iv Red Wing varsus Petersen, an' th' Dhred Scott decision. What do they say about limons? X.-nvthin . ^ all. Again wc take th' Dhred Scott decision. This is wan iv th' worst I iver r-rcad. If I cudden't write a betthcr wan with blindhers 24 The Supreme Courtis Decisions i § on, I 'd ieap off tli' bench. This horrible fluke iv a clcciHion throwH a gr-rcut, nn almost dnzzliii' lignt on th' casu, I will turn it off. (McKenna J. concurs, but tiiinks it ought to be blowed out.) But where was I i I must put on me specs. Oh, about th' Unions. Weil, th" decision iv th' Coort (th' others dissentiii') is us follows ; First, thiit th' Disthriet iv Colunilna is a state; second, that it is not ; thin' that Xew York is a state ; fourth, that it is a crown col ; fifth, that all states ar-re states an' all terri- tories ar-rc territories in th' eyes iv other powers, but Gawd knows what they ar-re at home. In tli' ease iv Ilogan varsus Mullins, th' decision is he must paper th' barn. (Ilinnery VIII, sixteen, six, four, eleven.) In Wiggins varsus et al. th' cow belonged. (Louis XIV, 90 in rem.) In E. P. Vigore varsus Ad Lib., the custot enough cows to keep Armour goin' a year. Wan iv th' things a British sojer '11 have to larn afther this, is th' care iv a cow. " Still, in spite iv th' ravages iv th' Dairymen's Own, th' Boers rayfused to „ome in an' be governed, so th' cabinet held a meetin'. ' 'T is manifest,' says Lord Sal'sbry, ' that this thing has gone as far as it can go in dacency,' he says. ' They 'se a time fr all things,' he says, ' an' ivrything in its place,' he says. 'We can't keep three hunderd thousan' sojcrs '111' th' rapid-fire pote Roodyard Kipling down there f 'river. We need th' warryors at home to dhrive tli' busses an' lade th' cotillyons an' they has n't been a good pome on th' butther an' egg market, 31 Mr. Doolefs Opinions tir price iv stocks, tli' prospects iv t'l' steel tlirade, th' opening iv th' new undi.erground or th' niannyfacther iv bicycles since Roodyard wint away. I wonder if thim Boers don't thinic we iiavc annything to do but clmsc thim f r th- r-rest iv our lives. I move we put an end to it,' he says. But how was it to be done? Some iv th' cabinet that had been talkin' with th' warryor-iditora was in favor iv bilin' all captured Boers in i|n. but 'twas pinted out that this wud seem like home to a Boer. Some wanted to make Lord Milliner a jook but th' jooks was again this. An' 'twas fin'lly decided afthcr a long an' arjoos debate, that th' war mus' be declared irrigular. Yes, sir, fr'm now on 'tis a non-union war, 'tis agai°i th' rules. Annywan engaged in it will be set back" be th' stewards iv Henley. "Lord Kitchener wrote th' notice. He's a good writer ' Ladies an' Gintlemen,' he says. ' This war'as a war is now over. Ye may not know it but it 's so. Ye've broke th' rules an' we give th' fight to oursilvcs on a foul. Th' first principle iv a war again England is that th' inimy shall wear r-rcd or purple coats witli black marks f 'r to indicate th' location iv vital organs be day an' a locomotive headlight be night. They shall thin gather within aisy range an' at th' wurrud "fire shall fall down dead. Anny rcmainin' standin' aftherward will be considliered as spies. Shootin' back is not allowed be th' rules an' ia 32 Disqualifying the Fnemy severely discountenanced bo our ladin' military authorities. Anny attirnpt at conceaimint is threachery. Tli' scand'lous habit iv pluggin' our gallant sojcrs fr'rn behind rocks an' trees i^ a breach iv internaytional lav/. Rethreatin" whin pureoot'l is wan iv our copyrighted manoovers an' ail infringeniints will be prosecuted. At a wurrud fr'in us, th' war is over an' we own ye'cr countiiry. Ye will see fr'ni this brief sketch that yc're no betthur thin guerillas an' pirates, an' now be th' r-right vested in mu be niesilf, I call on all persons carryin' on this needless, foolish, tiresome conflict whin I ought to be home dhraggin' ,l„w„ th' money fr'rn parlymint, to come in an' be shot,' he says 'If they don't,' says he, 'I'll con-fiscate their property that ,s dcsthroycd an' abolish their r-rights as citizens which they have none, an' charge thini a little somethin.. f r th' care an' buryal iv their fam'lies,' he says. " So there 's th' finish iv th' Boers. They 're out iv it now. They're enthries wudden't be accipted on anny thrack in th' wurruld. They have been set back f 'r con- duck onbeeomin' an English officer an' a gintlen.an. Our Anglo-Saxon cousins acrost th' sea ar-re gr-reat people. They re a spoortin' people, Hmnissy. They know how to win. They '11 race anny man's horse in th' wurruld if th' jockey won't sit th' way he thinks will make th' horse go fast. They'll row anny crew in th' wurruld if th' crew will tram on beer an' cigareets an' won't be in a hurry to ' 33 Mr, Doolefs Opinions get through. An' whin it comes to war, they have th' r-rest iv creation sittin" far back in th' re r iv th' hall. We have to lick our iiiini} . They disqualify him," "I thought th' war was over, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy. "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if Chicago was as peaceful as South Africa, they'd be an agytation to rayjooce th' polls foorce. Th' war is over, Hinnissy, but th' English don't know it yet." 34 i I AMATEUR AMBASSADORS 39 AMATEUR A ME ASS A-. DORS I 'M glad th' la-ads fr'rn th' Xoo York Chamber iv Coninicrce had a good time in England," said Mr. Dooley. ' I don't know wiiat a chamber iv com- merce really is onkss 't is a place where business men go to sleep, but annyliow, th* la-ads fr'rn th' wan in Noo York have been callin' on th' other hands acrost th' sea, an' now we 're so firndjr cemintcd together again wanst more that ye cudden't te-ir us apart with a steam winch. They've thravelled acrost th' ocean lavin' a thrail iv morthar behind thim like a bricklayer comin' home fr'rn wurruk, an' they 've got me so closely knit with Lord Salsb'ry, first be ties iv blood, thin be a common lanj,'uage which we both speak at each other, an' fin'lly be a shovel- ful iv cemint, that I feel like wau iv th' cnthries iv a three-legged race at a picnic. "An' 'tis on'y a few years ago whin if wan iv our chamber iv commerce wint to London, he was sarched at th' dock f 'r countherfeit money an' sometimes, Ilinnissy, successfully. I used to pick up a pa-aper uu' r-read, 37 Mr, Doolefs Opinions 'Dhreadful accident to an American in England ; Frozen to death at a Garden Party' or 'Singular occurrence at Chelsea; American gintlcnian thries to enter societj through a thransom.' But that 'a all past by, Ilinnisay. 'T is all past and gone, an' we 're as welcome in England as if our language was less common an' our ties iv blood was n't ready made. Ye see, Hinnissy, an American busi- ness man, whin he 's in this cou.ithry, is a business man an' that 's what he is. He 's down-town in th' mornin' at eight o'clock thryin' to beat a check to th' bank. lie keeps wan eye on th' damper an' th' other on th' dure till six, an' thin he 's homeward bound in a cable car with a hand on th* sthrap an' another on his watch pocket. He leads a simple, pasthral life an' is widely an' pop'larly known as Cy. Th' on'y pollytics he 's intherestcd in la who 's goin' to be ilicted assissor an' how much an' whin he wants to know who 's sicrety iv state, he asks th' type- writer who 's just out of colledge an' hp. time to lara these gr-reat facts. " But whin he goes to England, he 's another man. All we hear about him at th" time he laves, is that Cy 's been ast to partake iv tii' Merry Roast beef iv ol' England, which he prob'bly met whin 't was on th' hoof, an' th' hands ar-re gla lis kind friiids in Aineru i. An' what did his kind frindsdo? I picked up -i pa-apcr th' other day. Iraymim- bcr 't was wan that had c(wili«h*d to me that if annything happened to Kiplir „', th' iditor wud feel that he cmlden't goon wiiii Ills wurruk wiiiiout a substantial increase in sal- ary. Well, they wa.H ui arLicle abt-ut u man that had killed his wife, nn' it say.H ' Mistlier S<)-ai> >u, a well-known an' pop'lar bur};lur on tli' west nide, yist<.rdah was so unforch- nit as to sink an a\f into Mrs. So-an' so. It is believed he acted undlication.' \ex' to this piece iv society ii< as was i stlfiiuly article on Roodyard Kipling. 'We iiave j';bt been r-rt:adar i pome be that confic put in a place where th' green goods men can't get »t him. Whin we recall tb' tears we shed whin f iiis miscnont was pretindin' to be sick, wc feel like complaiitin' to th' polls. If he iver comes to this counthry again, we will be wan iv tin thousan' to go out an' lynch him. To think iv th' way this imposter has been threatcd an' thin see that young swan iv Main Street, our own townsman, Higbie L. Duff clerkin' in a shoe store, makes us ashamed iv uur counthry.' 67 i ■i Mr. Doolefs Opinions " An' there ye ar-re. That 's what happens to a pote whin he's found out an' no pote can escape. Th' Amal- gamated Association iv Baraboo has become th' Society fr th' Previiition iv Kipling, th' Stock Exchange is r-readin' th' polis gazette, an' ye won't anny more hear Kipling mintioncd in th' pulpit thin ye will th' Bible." " I don't suppose he cares," said Mr. Hennessy. " Well, maybe he don't know," said Mr. Dooley. " But it ought to be a lesson f r anny young man who thinks iv goin' into pothry. They 'se on'y wan thing fr a pote to do : just as they 're about to hang th' lorls on his brow bcfure they begin to throw th' bricks, he ought to pass away. Th' nex' best thing is to write his pothry where no wan can see him an' dhrop it quitcly in th' sthreet Thin they may blame it on some wan else." 68 THE YACHT RACES 69 THE YACHT RACES T "N th' ol' times whin I was a yachtsman — " b^an Mr. Dooley. " Scowman," said Mr. Hennessy. " Yachtsman," said Mr. Dooley. " Wiiin I was a yachts- man, all a man needed to race was a flat-bottomed boat, an umbrella, an' a long dhrink. In thim days 't was * Up with th' mainsail an' out with th' jib, an' Cap'n Jawn first to th' Lake View pumpin' station f r th' see-gars.' Now 't is ' Ho, fr a yacht race. Ijave us go an' see our lawyers.' 'Tis ' Haul away on th' writ iv ne exeat,' an' ' Let go th' peak capias.' 'T is ' Pipe all hands to th' Supreme Coort.' 'Tis 'A life on th' boundin' docket an' a home on th' rowlin' calendar.' Befure we die, Sir Lipton '11 come over here f r that Cup again an' we 11 bate him be gettin' out an over-night injunction. What 's th' use iv buildin' a boat that's liblc to tip an' spill us all into th' wet? Turn th' mattlier over to th' firm iv Wiggins, Schultz, O'Mally, Jxikstein, Wopoppski, Billotti, Gomez, Olson, an' McPherson, an' lave us have th' law on him. " I don't suppose, Hinnissy, I ought to be gettin" oflF me little jokes on a seerjous matther like this. What 's it all 71 .. Mr, Doolefs Opinions about, Bays ye? Well, ye see, 'tis this way. Wanst befure th' war some la-ad fr'm this cotinthry took a boat acrost th' Atlantic an' run it again an English boat an' iv coorse, he won, not bcin' tied to th' docli, an' they give him a Cup. I don't know why they give liim a cup, but they give him a cup. He brought it buck here un' handed it to a yacht club, whicii is an aHsocyatiun, Ilinnissy, iv mimbers iv th' Bar. He says : ' Ye keep tiiat cup on ye'cr inantle-piecc an' if e'er an Engliiihman wants it, dun't ye give it to Iiini.' Afthcr awhile, an p]ii^iishinun tliat owndcd a boat come afther th' cup, an' 't was lave go •feugcther, an' th' las' roan to th' line knows what he is. He 's an Englishman, iv coorse. That was nil r-ri^;lit too. But th' time come whin th' lagal pro-tisKJuii took a liuiid in tir game. ' Ixiok here,' says tlicy. ' Yu 've vilatcd nearly all th' statues iv th' State iv Noo Jarsey alrea«ly,' they says, ' an' if ye ain't careful, ye 'II be hmiled up f'r contimpt iv coort,' they says. So they took th' niattlier in hand an' dhrew up th' r-ri>;lit pa-apers. ' State iv Xcjo York, county iv Cook, s. s. Know all men Ik* these prisints. To aQ magisthrates an' polis officers, greetiu'. In re Sir Lipton again tli' Cup. Onlliereil that if Sir Liptun shall secure said Cup fr'm aforesaid (which he won't) ho must build a boat ■e» follows : Wan huiidhered an' twinty chest, fifty-four waist, hip an' side pnekets, earryiu' three kundlierd an' sixty-three thousan' cubic feet iv canvas ; 72 i The Tacht Races til* basement iv th' boat to be papered in green with yel- low flowered dado, open plumbiu', steam heat throughout, th' tinant to pay f'r all repairs. Be means iv this infernal machine, if onable to kill off th' rile fam'ly, he will attimpt to cross th' stormy Atlantic, an' if successful, will arrive at th' risidince iv th' party of th' first part, said John Doe. Wanst there, he will consult with mimbcrs iv th' Noo York Bar Association, who will lead him to a firm iv com- petent ex|)ert accountants, who will give him his time, which is two niinyits measured be th' invarse ratio iv th' distance fr'm th' binnacle to th' cook-stove, an' fr'm th' cook-stove, east be north to th' bowspirit. He will thin take his foolish boat down th' bay, an' if he keeps his health, he can rayturn to th' grocery business, fr he 's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.' " Ye can see this, Hinnissy, that yachtin' has become wan iv th' lamed pro-fissions. 'T is that that got th' la-ad fr'm Boston into it. Tliey 's u jolly Jack Tar Tr ye. In dhrawin' up a lease or framin' a bond, no more gallant sailor rides th' waves thin hearty Jack Larsen iv th' Amal- gampted Copper Yacht Club. ' What ho ? ' says he. ' If we 're goin' to have a race,' he says, * shiver me timbers if I don't look up th' law,' he says. So he become a yachtsman. ' But,' says th' Xoo York la-ads, thim that has th' Cup on their mantle-piece, * Ye can race on'y on two conditions.' ' What ar-rc they ? ' says Larscu. ' Th' 73 Mr, Doolefs Opinions first ia that yc become a niiinbcr iv our club.' ' With pleasure,' says he. 'Ye can't,' says they. 'An' havin' complied with this firet condition, ye must give us ye'er boat,' says they. ' We don't want it,' they says. 'Th' terms suit me entirely," says Cap. Larsen. ' I 'n. a simple sailor man an' I '11 give ye me boat undhcr th" following conditions,' he says. ' First, that yc won't take it ; second, that ye '11 paint me name on th' side iv it in red letters, three feet high; third, that ye '11 inthrajooce me to th' Prince iv Wales ; foorth, that I '11 sail it mesilf. Naw- thin', he says, 'wud give me gr-reater pleasure thin to have me handsome an' expinsive raft in th' hands iv men who I wud considhcr it an honor to know,' he says. ' An' so,' he says, ' I '11 on'y ask ye to sign a bond an' lave a small security, say about five hundherd thousan' dollars, in me hands in case anny paint shud be knocked off me boat,' he says. 'Yachtin' is a gintleniPn's spoort,' he says, 'an' in dalin' with gintlemen,' he says, 'ye can't be. too careful,' he says." " What 's Sir Lipton doin' all this time ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. " He 's preparin' his bond, makin' his will, an' goin' through th' other lagal preliminaries iv th" race. He 's built a boat too. Th' King if England was aboord iv her, an' he was near killed, be havin' a mast fall on him. Th' Lord knows how he escaped. A mass iv steel weighin' a hund- 74 The Yacht Races herd thousan' tun fell on hia M^jcHty un' buiinccd off. Sir Lipton felt pretty bad about it. He did n't mind luhin' a mast or two, but he did n't want annywan to know lie had th' king aboord. T wud hurt business. ' Boys,' says he t») th' rayporthers, ' th' King 's on nie yaeht. I)' ye hear me i Th' King's on me yacht. But don't say annything about it I don't want to have it known. Uon't print it oidess ye have to, an' thin put it in an inconspicuous jilaee, like th' first page. He 's here sure enough, boys. Th" niiist just fell on his Majesty. It nearly kilt hini. I \\\ not sure it didn't kill him. He remained perlectly cool throughout So did I. I was almost cold. So did both iv us. But, mind ye, not a wurrud iv this in th' pa-apers.' I don't know how th' rayporthers got hold iv it But they 're a jiryin' lot." " How did th' mast come to fall ?" a.^ked Mr. Hennessy, eagerly. " D'ye suppose Sir Lipton is wan iv us i " "S^h," said Mr. Dooley, adding softly, "he was bor-m in Limerick." 75 ON ATHLEriCS 77 n ON ATHLETICS w 'E 'RK gettin' to be th' gr-reatcst HiKMirtiu' nation in th' wurruld," Huid Mr. lleiiiicHHy, rho had been luboriiig thruugli pogca uf athletic intelligence which he cuuld not undunstund. " Oh, HO we ar-rc," said Mr. Dooley. " .\n' I wondhcr docs it do UH anny good. T is impourted fr'in th* Knglinh. Tlicy have u wiyin' over there that th' jook iv Welliiiton ■aid tint or somebody said f 'r him an' that 's been said u number iv times since, that th' battle iv Watherloo was won on th' playin' fields iv Eton, that bcin' a school where th' youth iv England an' Noo York is sint f'r idjycation. It was not. Th' battle iv Watherloo was won on th' potato field.H iv Wexford an' th' bog patches iv C'onnock, that 's where 't was won. Th' Fr-rinch ar-re a good 6ghtin' people an' a Fr-rinchman cudden't iiit a goluf ball with a scoop shovel. Th' (Jermans is a hardy race an' they tlirain (m Wcsphaiyan ham an' IJoodweiscr an' th' on'y exercise they have is howlin' at a sanj,'iTfcst. Tli' Rooshyans is a tur-rble crowd an' they get their strenth by standin' on th' corner askin' if ye have anny ul" clothes ye 'd like to sell or be matchin' kopecks f'r th' vodkies. 79 MICROCOPY RESOLUTION TEST CHART (ANSI and ISO TEST CHART No. 2) 1.0 I.I 1.25 1^ 12.8 14.0 1.4 1 2.2 2.0 1.8 1.6 A APPLIED IM^GE Inc ^^ 1653 East Main Street r.JS Rochester. Ne« York 14609 USA i^a (716) 482 - 0300 - Ptione SS (716) 288- 5989 - Fa« Mr, Dooley^s Opinions Ar-re we annv betther, tell me, f 'r bein' th' high tinnis experts, th' intherprisin' rowsmen, th' champeen yachters iv th' wurruld thiu we were whin we were on'y th' champeen puddlers, milkers, ploughers, an' sewin' machine agents ? Why is England losin' her supreeraacy, Hinnissy ? Be- cause Englishmen get down to their jobs at iliven o'clock figurin' a goluf scoor on their cuffs an' lave at a quarther to twelve on a bicycle. We bate thim because 't was th' habit iv our joynt iv commerce f r to be up with th' cock an' down to th' damper befure th' cashier come ; an' in his office all day long in his shirt sleeves an' settin' on th* safe till th' las' man had gone. Now, if ye call up wan iv these captains iv industh'-ee at wan o'clock iv a Saturdah afther- noon, th' office boy answers th' tillyphone. Th' Titan iv Commerce is out in a set iv green an' blue knee breeches, batin' a hole in a sand pile an' cur-rsin' th' evil fate that made him a millyionaire whin nature intinded him f 'r a goluf champeen. Ye can't keep ye'ereye on th' ball an* on th' money at th' same time. Ye've got to be wan thing or another in this wurruld. I niver knew a good card player or a great spoortsman that cud do much iv annything else. They used to tell me that Napoleon Bonyparte, th' imp'ror iv th' Frinch, was a champeen chess player, but Hogan says he was on'y good because anny- body that bate him might as well go down an' be meas- ured f 'r his ball an' chain. A rale high class chess player, 80 On Athletics without room f r annything else in his head, cud close his eyes, an' put tli' dhrinks on Napoleon Bonyparte in three moves. Did ye iver hear iv Grant wearin' anny medals Vt a hundherd yard dash ? Did annyvvan iver tell ye iv th' number iv base hits made be Abraham Lincoln ? Is there anny record iv George Wash'nton doin' a turn on a thrapeze or Thomas Jifferson gettin' th' money f 'r throwin' th' hammer ? " In me younger days 't was not considhered rayspict- able f r to be an athlete. An athlete was always a man that was not sthrong enough fr wnrruk. Fractions dhruv him fr'm school an' th' vagrancy laws dhruv him to base- ball. We used to go out to th' ball game to see him sweat an' to throw pop bottles at th' empire but none iv his fam'Iy was iver proud iv him except his younger brother. A good seat on th' bleachers, a bottle handy f r a neefaryous decision at first base an' a bag iv cracker- jack was as far as iver I got tow'rd bein' a spoortin' character an' look at me now! Ye can't have ye'er strenth an' use it too, Hinnissy. I gredge th' power I waste in walkin' upstairs or puttin* on me specs." "But 'tis good f 'r th' women," said \lx. Hennessy. "Is it, faith?" said Mr. Dooley. "Well, it may be, but it 's no good f 'r th' woman f 'r th' men. I don't know annythiog that cud be more demoralizin' thin to be marrid to a woman that cud give mc a sthroke a shtick at goluf, • 81 Mr, Dooley^s Opinions 'T is goin' to be th' roon iv fam'ly life. 'T will break up til' happy home. I 'm a man, we '11 say, that 's down town fr'm th' arly mornin' bendin' over a ledger an' thryin' to thrap a dollar or two to keep th' landlord fr'm th' dure. I dispise athletes. I see that all th' men that have a metallic rattle whin they get on a movin' sthreet car are pounds overweight an' wud blow up if they jogged around th' corner. Well, I come home at night an' no matther how I 've been ' Hero-you-d ' all day, I feel in me heart that I 'm th' big thing there. What makes me feel that way, says ye? 'Tis th' sinse iv physical supeeryority. Me wife is smarter thin I am. She 's had nawthin' to do all day but th' housewurruk an' puttin' in th' coal an' studyiii' how slic can make me do something I don't want to do that I wud want to do if slie did i.'t want me to do it. She 's thrained to th' minyit in havin' her own way. Her mind 's clearer, mine bein' full iv bills iv ladin' ; she can talk betthcr an' more frequent ; she can throw me fam'ly in me face an' whin har-rd put to it, her starry eyes can gleam with tears that I think ar-re grief, but she knows diff 'rent. An' I give in. But I 'vc won, just th' same. F 'r down in me heart I 'm sayin' : ' Susette, if I were not a gentleman that wud scorn to smash a lady, they 'd be but wan endin' to this fracas. Th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw, Susette.' I may niver use it, d' ye mind. We may go on livin' together an' me losin' a battle ivry day f'r 82 On Athleti s 41 liftf year. But I always know 't is there an' th' knowl- edge makes me a proud an' haughty man. I feel me arm as I go •ut to lock th' woodshed again, an' I say to mesilf : ' Oh, voman, if I iver cut loose that awful right.' An' she knows it too. If she did n't she wudden't waste her tears. Th' sinse of her physical infeeryority makes her weep. She must weep or she must fight. Most anny woman wud rather do battle tliin cry, but they know it 'a no use. " But now how is it ? I go home at night an' I 'm met at th' dure be a female joynt. Me wife 's th' champeen ladygolufess iv th' Ivy Leaf Goluf club ; th' finest oaralady on th' canal ; a tiniiis i)layer that none can raysist without injury. She can ride a horse an' I cudden't ;:tay on a merry-go-round without clothespins. She can box a good welter weight an' she 's got medals f 'r th' broad jump. Tir on'y spoorts she is n't good at is cookin' an' washiu'. This large lady, a little peevish because she's off her dhrive, meets me at th' dure an' begins issuin' ordhers befure I have me shoes off. 'Tis just th' same as if I was back on th' hoist. She does n't argy, she does n't weep. She jus' says ' Say you,' an' I 'm off on th' bound. I look her over an' say I to mesilf: 'What's th' good? I cudden't cross that guard,' an' me reign is ended. I 'm back to th' ranks iv th' prolitory. " It won't do, Hinnissy. It 's a blow at good gover- 83 Mr. DooleyXs Opinions mint. 'T will disrupt th' home. Our fathers was r-rifht. They didn't risk their lives an' limbs be marrvin' these female Sharkeys. What they wanted wm a ladv that they 'd find settin' at home whin they arrived tired fr'm th' chase, that played th' harp to thim an' got their wampum away fr'm thim more like a church fair thin like a safe blower. In th' nex' eighty or ninety years if I make up me mind to lave this boistlierous life an' settle down, th' lady that I'll rayquist to double me rent an' divide me borrowin' capacity will wear no medals f 'r athletic spoorts. F'r, Hinnissy, I 'm afraid I cud not love a woman I might lose a fight to." "I see be th' pa-aper," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' ath- letic girl is goin' out, what iver that means." " She had to," said Mr. Dooley, " or we wud." 84 • 5' ij If ON LYING Vi 85 7 ! ^ S ON LTING TH' question bcfure th' house is whin is a lie not a lie ? " said Mr. Dooley. " How 's that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. " Well," said Mr. Dooley, " here 's Pro-fissor E. Binjamin Something-or-Other insthructin' th' youth at th' Chicago Univarsity that a lie, if it 's f r a good purpose, is not a lie at all. There 's th' gr-reat school down there on th' Mid- way. Ye can larn annything ye have a mind to in that there siminary an' now they '11 have a coorse in lyin'. Th' earnest youth in sarch iv a career in life '11 be taught lyin' individjally an' in classes, lyin' be ear an' be note" lyin' in th' home an' lyin' to th' public, lyin' autymatically, th' lie di-rect, th' lie injanyous, th' lie with th' hand, th' lie with th' eye, th' r-ready fake, th' bouncer, th' stiff, th' con. th' bunk, th' poetic lie, th' business lie, th' lie imaginative, th' brassy lie, th' timid lie, th' white lie, th' pathriotic or red-whitc-an'-blue lie, th' lovin' lie, th' over-th'-left, th' cross-me-heart, th' hope-tonlie. histhry, political economy an' mathematics. They'll be a post gradyate coorse in perjury f r th' more studyous an' whin th' hon'rary degrees is given out, we '11 know what LL. D. manes." 87 7 Mr. Doolefs Opinions " Sure, they dou't need to larn people Ivin','' said Mr. Hennessy. " Well, no, faith, that 's thrue," said Mr. Dooley. " Here am I with no more iddycation thin ye cud write on th' back iv a postage stamp an' as fluent an' r-rcady a liar as e'er a pro-fissor or grp.dyate iver tur-rned out be an Insti- choot iv Mendacity. That 's what I am. I 'm a born liar. As th' pote that Hogan spouts has said : * I lisped in falsehood, fr th' falsehood came' I cud lie befure I cud speak or walk. Fr ivry lie I got found out in an' whaled f r, I told forty that nivcr was r-run down. I 've lied steadily through life an' here I am in me green ol' age — though not as old as manny wud make out — l)in' with- out th' aid iv glasses. Thry me. Ask me how nmch wather there is in that bar'l — if ye dare ! Ye 're a liar too, Hinnissy." " What 's that ? " shouted Mr. Hennessy. " Keep cool," sa' ' Mr. Dooley. " I 'm ■ rcferrin' to what I heerd ye tell ye'er wife about th' pay :eck or that story iv ye'ers about th' big man ye bate in th' Halsted sthreet car. But th' clothes on ye'er back is a lie or at laste an' equivocation or a hand-me-down, an' th' smile ye greet me with is no more thin half on th' square an' th' well-it 's-glad-I-am-to-see-ye rally manes ye 're sorry ye came. All th' wurruld is busy doceivin' its neighbor an' itsilf. Th' poor are poor because they are poor liars an' 88 On Lying i I i 5 /^ th' rich nr-rc men ttmtVe accumulated a large stock iv non-assissable, iuthrcHt-bearin' lies or inherited th' same fr'm their indulgent an' meudacyous fathers. That 's what they tell me. " An' what is a lie, tell me ? I cud answer mesilf if I always knew what th' thruth was, me boy. A good manny iv th' whoppers I tell ye is th' raysult iv thryin' to take a short cut to th' thruth an' bringin' up just this side iv perjury. Some things that look like lies to me to-day will seem all r-right in th' prisidential year. I lie a good manny times fr'm kindness, more often fr'ra laziness, an' most often fr'm fear. Some iv th' boldest liars I iver met wud 've been thruthful men if they 'd dared to be. Th' most uncommon form is th' malicyous liar an' th' manest b th' just liar. Manny men lie because they like con- versation an' they feel they can't impress th' man they're talkin' with without pilin' it on. I 've lied at times to be- guile th' hours away. I niver deceived annywan half so much as I have mesilf. If I did n't do it waust in awhile, I 'd feel so poor an' depraved, I cud. on't go a in V .si- ness. Now I wondher if E. Binjanuii wud call thim -od purposes. Sure, if a lie's a good thing anny purj ose ye may have- in lyin' will look good to ye an' if 't is %A thing, th' purpose 'II seem good annyhow, I think with a purpose is wan iv th' worst kind an' th' i. profitable. I 'm more iv a spoortin' liar thin he is if I tas 89 T- 'i'*' ill Mr. Doolefs Opinions fr pastime. I wud lie to get a frinJ uut iv tiirouble or an inimy in, to Have me counthry, if 't was not surrounded already be a devoted band iv heroic liars, to protict me life or me property, but if annybody ast me how I done it, I 'd lie out iv it. " Father Kelly says th' pro-fissor is nil r-right. He says his thcery is a good wan but he don't think it fits a Bap- tist Collcdge. 'Twas held be some lamed men iv our own kind an' 't was all i^right fr'm thim. 'T was th' doc- thrine iv a saint, but he was n't lookin' f i anny Standa '.' ile money. An' Father Kelly says 'tis an unsafe doc- thrine to thrust to anny wan but a saint. He says th' thruth or something akelly good, something that will wash, is intinded f r ord'u'ry people. On'y a good man can be a liar An' Father Kelly says he 's niver seen a man good enough to get a di-i-loma fr'm him to lie f'r anny purpose, good or bad, to tell white lies or green. If he lies, he 's got to take his chances. I said : ' What wud ye do if ye see a frind iv ye'ers pursued be a mu^-dherer an' th' murdherer- that-was-to-be ast ye which way he 'd turned ? ' * I cud- den't hear him,' he says. ' I 'd be too far up th' alley,' he says. * Lyin' in th' circumstances,' he says, ' wud indicate a lack iv prisince iv mind,' he says. * It often does,' he says." " Sure, a lie 's a lie,' said Mr. Henncssy. " I always know whin I 'm lyin'." "SodoI,"saidMr. Dooley. 90 DISCUSSES "RTT POLITICS 91 DISCUSSES PARTT POLITICS I WONDHER," said Mr. Hennessy, " if us dimmy- crats will iver ilict a prisidint again." " We wud," said Mr. Dooley, " if we cud but get an illegible candydate." " What 's that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. "An illegible candydate," said Mr. Dooley, "is a candydate that can't be read out iv th' party. 'T is a joke I med up. Me frind Willum J. Bryan reads th' Commoner to thim an' they pack up their bags an' lave. They 'se as manny dimmycrats out iv th' party as they are in, waitin' on th' durestep to read thimsilves back an' th' other la-ads out. Th' loudest r-reader wins. " No, sir, th' dimniycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan mutthers ' Thraiter ' an' th' other hisses ' Miscreent ' ye can bet they 're two dimniycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th' gran' ol' party. 'T is on'y th' part iv th' party that can't 93 Mr. Dooleys Opinions r-read that's thrue to th' priacipals iv Jefferson an' Jackson. " Me frind Willum J. is not a candjdate. He 's illegible as an editor but not as a candydatc. Annjhow, he don't want it or at laste he don't want to want it an' not get it. All he asks is some good man, some thried an' thrusty dimmycrat that can lead th' party on to glo.yous victhry. But he can't find him. Ye say Hill ? Well, me frind Willum J. was ast to ask me frind David Binnitt to go out f 'r to make a speech at a dimmycratic bankit on th' thradi- tions iv th' dimmycratic party. Hill bein' wan iv thim an' wan iv th' worst. ' Gintlemen,'says Willum Jennings, ' I admire David Binnitt Hill. No wan,' he says, ' is a second to me in affection f 'r that gr-rcat an' good man,' he says. ' I shall iiiver fail in me devotion to him till,' he says, 'th' place heals up where he sunk th' axe into me in ninety- six. But,' ho says, ' I cannot ask him to speak at ye'er bankit. I cannot bear to hear him talk. Ivry time he opens his mouth I want to put me fut into it,' he says. ' Moreover; he says, ' if ye ask him I '11 take me meal at home,' he says, * f 'r th' sight of that gallant dimmycrat turns me fr'm food,' he says. So that ends Hill. We can't go with anny wan that our sainted leader can't ate an egg wit'i without sin. " Well, thin, who 've we got ? They 'se me frind Bill Whitney. He won't do because th' bookmakers niver get 94 Discusses Party Politics up on ilictiou day in time to vote. A thousan' to wan again Whitney, his opponent to carry th' audjiotoroom on his back. They 'se nie frind Charlie Towne, th' unsalted orator iv th' zenith city — " "Thraitor," said Mr. Doolcv. " He has got some money," said Mr. Dooley reflectively. " I see in th' pa-apers he says they 'se now enough to go ar-round — enough f'r him to go ar-round, Hinnissy. He 'a a thraitor. I wisht I cud afford to be wan. Well, what d' ye say to Gorman ? They 'se a fine, sthraight- forward, honest, clane, incorruptible man. Ye put him alone in a room with th' rayturns an' ye can go out an' gather bar'ls fr th' bonefire. Ye won't have him, eh? Oh, he knifed th' ticket, did he ? Secretly ? Oh, my, oh, my ! Th' villain. Down goes Gorman. Well, let me see, let me see ; wlio 've we got ? I cud think iv a good manny that cud captain a ball team, but whin I come to »ilictin a candydate f'r prisidint ivry man I think iv is uyther a thraitor or wan that th' thraitors wudden't vote fr. If we don't get th' thraitor vote we 're lost. They 'se me frind Sinitor Jim Jones. A good man. He won't do, ye say ? Nigger counthry ? Oh, aye. We can't take a candy- date fr'm th' same part iv th' counthry that th' votes come fr'm. Ye 're r-right. There 's Altgcld ? Prooshen ? Thrue. Aggynal — ? Iv coorse not. Schley ? He may be doin* time f'r disorderly conduct an' assault with a 95 Mr. Doolefs Opinions I deadi; weepin be that time. Charter Haitch? What wud a man that's been mayor iv Chicago do with an infeeryor job like th' prisidincy? Tom Johnson? A sthreet car platform ain't broad enough f'r th' party. Dockery ? It sounds too much like th' endin' iv a comic song. An' fr'ni Missoury too. Fuller ? Another thraitor, an' what 's worse, a judge. Well, there 's Cleve— . Hoi' on there, don't ye throw it. Put down that chair, I tell ye. " Ye 're hard to suit, Hinnissy. I 've named thim all over an' taken me life in me hand with half iv thim an' lost me repytation f'r common sinse be mintionin' th' others. Whin I lead a man in through wan dure ye read him out iv another an' throw th' b aok afther him. I 'm thryiu' to find a man to uphold th' banner so that ye can march shouldher to shouldher an' heart to heart, to mimrable victhry an' ivry time I mintion th' name iv wan iv ye'er fellow dimmycrats ye make a face. What ar-re ye goin' to do ? Ye might thry advertisin' in th' pa-apers. * Wanted : A good, active, inergetic dimmycraf, sthrong iv lung an' limb ; must be in favor iv sound money, but not too sound, an' anti-impeeryalist but f 'r holdin' onto what we've got, an inimy iv thrusts but a frind iv organized capital, a sympathizer with th' crushed an' downthroddeu people but not be anny means hostile to vested inthrests ; must advocate sthrikes, gover'mint be injunction, free 96 Discusses Party Politics silver, sound money, greenbacks, a single tax, a tariff f 'r rivinoo, th' constitootion to follow th' flag as far as it can an' no farther, civil service rayform iv th' la-ads in oflBce an' all th' gr-reat an' gloryous principles iv our gr-reat an' gloryous party or anny gr-reat an' gloryous parts thereof. He must be akelly at home in Wall sthreet an' th' stock yards, in th' parlors iv th' r-rich an' th' kitchens iv th' poor. Sucii a man be applyin' to Malachi Hinnissy, Ar-rchey r-road, an' prisintin' rifrences fr'm his last party, can get good mplyment as a candydate f'r prisidtat, with a certainty aftherward iv a conganir* place as public r-reader an' party bouncer.' Ye might get an answer." " Oh, well, we '11 tiud some wan,' said Mr. Hennessy cheerfully. "I guess," said Mr. Dooley, "that ye 're right about that. Ye '11 have a caudydate an' he '11 have votes. Man an' boy I've seen th' dimmycratic party hangin' to th' ropes a score iv times. I 've seen it dead an' burrid an' th' raypublicans kindly buildin a monymint fr it an' preparin' to spind their declinin' days In th' custom house. I 've gone to sleep lights wondhrin' where I 'd throw away me vote afther this an' whin I woke up there was that crazy- headed ol' loon iv a part- with its hair sthreamin' in its eyes, an' an axe in its hai jhasin' raypublicans into th' tall grass. "? is niver so good as whin 't is broke, whin rayspictable people speak iv it in whispers, an' whin it has ^ 97 ; i^ i' Mr. Doole/fs Opinions no leaders an' on'y wan principal, to go in an' take it away fr'm th' o'l/iier fbllovvs. Something will turn up, ye bet, Hinnissy. Th' raypublican party may die iv overfeedin' or all th' leaders pump out so much ile they won't feel like Icadin'. An' annyhow they 'se always wan ray iv light ahead. We're sure to have hard times. An' whin th' lae blue suspindcrs with me r-red pantaloons,* he says, * but,' he says, ' whin I asked f r an orange an' ye brought in th' boot-jack, I felt that we cud no longer assocyate on terms iv akequality/ he says. ' Ye '11 have to go back to th' House iv Lords,' ho say.s. An' he fired him out an' wudden't pay him a cint iv waj^cs he owed him f r th' rest iv his life. So Lord Roland sues him an' has him in coort. "Th' millyionaire thrips in thinkin' to himsilf: "Tis on'v 1 question iv whether I shall pay this jook what I proraiscd him or what he ought to ixpict fr'm a millyion- aire, Do I or do I not owe Lord Ronald eighty-two dol- 119 Jl I Mr. Dooley*s Opinions ! lars f r curry-combin' me in th' nex' cinchry. I '11 lave it to an intillygintjury iv honest Americans who havealwaya buttoned their own shirts, an' r-right will conker an' I II keep me money.' " That 's where he was wrong. He had th' same j.v peryence I had, except mine was a case iv plumbin' an' his wan iv personal decoration. Afther he explained to th' jury tliat he did n't owe Lord Roland anny thing because his lordship got a dhroopin' eye fr'm dhrink an' frequently give him th' same collar ivry week, he was tur-rned over to th' attorney fr th' prosecution, who cross-examined Iiiin. " ' We will pass over th' question iv ye'er financial relations with me client,' says th' distinguished barristher, * an' come down to ye'er own private life. To begin with ar-re ye or ar-re ye not a man iv th' most dissolute morals ? ' ' Answer yes or no,' says th' coort. ' He ad- mits it,' says th' lawyer. 'Ye were dhrunk in 1892?' ' I can't rayinimber,' .says th' millyionaire. ' Put it down that he 's always dhrunk,' says th' lawyer. ' Where did ye get ye'er money ? Ye don't know ? Th' jury will take note iv th' fact that he prob'bly stole it. Ye'er father is dead. Did ye kill him ? I think so. Now that ye rayfuse to pay Lord Roland what's not comin' to him, how about ye'er wife ? ' 'My wife isn't in this case,' says th' prisoner. ' Th' divvle she is n't,' says th' coort. ' I 120 Cross-examinations ^^ want ye to know that ivrybody is in this case. We ph>y no fav'rites. Whin th' clear sunlight iv American justice is tur-rned loose on a matther iv this charackter nawthin' can be hid. Go on an' tell us about ye'er wife. Th' coort wishes to know. Th' coort is human,' says he. * Isn't it thrue,' says th' lawyer, 'that ye'er spouse is pet- tish an' disagreeable be nature an' that th' colors iv her hair ar-re not fast, an' that Lord Roland frequently peeked through th' dure an' seen ye talkin' to her ? Answer me, ye fiend in human form, don't that lovely golden sheen upon her locks come out in th' wash ? Tell me, mon- sther, tell th' hon'rable coort that 's now leanin' eao-erlv over th' bar to catch ivry pint, tell th' jury that wud like to carry home some s'ciety chit-chat to their own tired wives, tell this intelligint concoorse iv American citizens behind me an* th' gallant knights iv th' pen in fr-ront iv me waitin' to spread th' details to th' wumild, tell me, ruffyian, is Hivin or Peroxide iv Hydhrogen th' arthor iv th' splendor? Is her complexion her own or fr'm day to day ? Did ye iver see her befure ye were marrid, an' if so with whom? An' about th' other women Lord Roland saw ye with. Were they no betther thin they ought to be or not as good as they might have been. I can't recall their names but ye might tell us who they ar-re. Give us their names. Dhrag th' wretched crathers fr'm their hidin' places in th' vowdyville theautres an' lave thim to 121 Mr, Doolefs Opinions sthand in th' clear sunlight iv American justice,' he says, * an' be smirched/ he says. " There was scarcely a dhry eye in th' coort whin th* lamed counsel concluded. Th' ladies in th' audjeence applauded furyously as name afther name was brought forward. Th' judge said that he had th' time iv his life, an' th' jury afther securin' clippin's iv th' prisoner's wife's hair rayturned a verdict findin' Mrs. Hard Gold guilty iv peroxide in th' first degree, without extenuatin' circum- stances, an' added a rider recommendin' th' ladies Lord Roland seen with Hard Gold be tur-med out iv their lodgin's. It was a gr-reat triumph for th' r-right. It shows that th' coorts iv our fair land will put down with a stern hand th' growin' peroxide vice an' that justice will find out evil doers — whin they ar-re women — if it has to take th' bandages off its eyes an' hide in a cloth* -^t." " It serves th' man r-right fr havin' wan iv thin .ays ar-round th' house," said Mr. Hennessy. " Well, it shows that," said Mr. Dooley. " An' it shows th' disadvantages iv wealth. No wan cares to hear what Hogan calls: ' Th' short an' simple scandals iv th' poor.' " 122 if THANKSGIVING f i ® ^ 123 la m ■--4 THANKSGIFING w " ^"^ "^HIN I was a young man," said Mr. Doolej, " I often heerd Thanksgivin' day alooded to fr'm th' altar as a pagan fistival. Father Kelly don't think so. He says 't was founded be th' Puri- tans to give thanks fr bein' presarved fr'm th' Indyans, an' that we keep it to give thanks we are presarved fr'm th' Puritans. In th' beginnin', Hinnissy, 't was a relijous fis- tival, like dividend day in th' synagogues. Ye see, th' Puritan fathers, whose dayscindants mostly live in Kansa? now, had had such a diwie iv a time inthrajoocin' rellijon an' slavery among th' savage r-red men that they found huntin' th' wild cranberry in th' neighborhood iv Salem, Mass., that whin th' job was completed they set apart a day to thank th' Lord for his opporchune assistance in their wurruk iv rayformin' th' wurruld an' with a few frills added in th' way iv food th' custom 's been kept up to this very day. In iv'ry city iv this fair latid th' churches is open an' empty, the fleet anise seed bag is pursooed over th' smilin' potato patch an' th' groans iv th dyin' resound fr'm manny a fut-ball field. We're givin' thanks that 126 Mr. Doolefs Opinions we're prcsarved fr'm hunger, fr'ni thirst, fr'm free silver, fr'm war an' pestilence an' famine an' each other. But don't ye frget it, Hinnissy, 'tis none iv these things we really give thanks fr. In our hearts we're grateful ?t on'y wan blessin' an' that's on Thanksgivin' day we get th' first good cmck iv th' season at th' Turkey bur-rd an' his r-runnin' mate, .,1' Uncle Cranberry Sauce. Ye bet ve, " Annyhow, seein' that the iliction come out th' way it did an' this counthry ain't goin' to be handed over to th' likes iv ye, we ought to cillybrate Thanksgivin' if necess'ry with achin" hearts. I 'ni always in favor iv givin' thanks — f r annythin-. 'T is a good habit to get into. ' Thank ye kindly,' is betther thin ' bad cess to ye,' annyhow. Even whin I sneeze I say: 'Gawd bless us kindly,' an' fr th' slender blessin' iv livin' at all I say ' Praise be.' So we ought to be thankful. We have a big counthry an' 'tis growm' bigger an' we ought to be thankful fr that, an' pray that it may stop growin' in width an' grow a little more in height. Th' farmer is thankfol he has a good crop an' I 'm fiankful I 'm not a farmer. Ye cud always find room f r thanks that ye 're not some wan else, if ye cud know how th- other fellow feels. A few days'ago I wud 've said that I 'd like to be the Czar iv Rooshia but I wudden't trade places with him to-day if he'd throw in th' Kingdom of Boolgahrya to make th* thrade good. 126 Thanksgiving Crowned though he is, he lies on his back wiiile a trained nurse pipes hot milk an' liuion juice into him, while I go across th' sthreet an' hurl into me dinnnycratic frame two furlongs iv corned beef an' a chain iv cabbage. Me timp'raturc is normal save wiiiii I'm asked I'r money. Me pulse bates sivinty to th' miuyit an' though I have patches on me pantaloons, I Ve ne'er a wan on me intes- tines. (I touch wood to keep off bad luck.) No, I wudden't be th' Czar iv Rooshia. An' I wudden't be th' Impror Willum. I'm thankful I'm not th' Impror iv Chiny, whoiver he is or whereiver he is. I'm thankful I 'm not John D. Rockyfellar, f r I know I can't get his money an' he thinks he can get mine, an' I 'II fool him. I'm thankful I ain't Prisident Tiddy, fr whin me day's wumik is done, I can close up th' shop, wind th' clock an' go to sleep. If th' stars an' moon don't shine, if th' sun don't come up, if th' weather is bad, if th' crops fail or th' banks bust or Hinnissy ain't illicted director iv th' rollin' mills, no wan can blame me. I done me jooty. Ye can't come to me an say: 'Dooley, th' north star wasn't at wurruk last night — what have ye done with it?' Or 'Look here, Dooley, what ails ye sindin' rainy weather befure th' hay is cut ? ' ' No sir,' says I. ' I promised ye nawthin' but five cints worth iv flude exthract iv hell f r fifteen cints an' ye got it. I'm not responsible fr th' vagarios iv th' ilimints. If I was I'd be sellin' umbrellys, 127 ---^. Mr, Doo/efs Opinions not rum,' I sa^ra. But th' prisidint can't escape it. He 1ms to set up at night steerin' th' stars bthraight, hist th' sun at th- r-right mome.it, turn on th' hot an' cold fassit have rain wan place, an' fr-rost another, salt mines with a four years' supply iv guold, thrap tii' raickrobes as they fly through th' air an' see that tin dollars is akePy divided among wan hundherd men so that each man gi^s thirty dollars more thin anny other. If he can't do that he 's lible to be arrested th' first pay day f r obtainin' money be false pretences. So I 'm thankful I 'm not him. " But I 'm always thankful fr these things. Be thank- ful f r what ye have not, Hinnissy - 't is th' on'y safe rule. If ye 're on'y thankful fr ye'er possissions ye'er supply won't last a day. But if ye 're tiiankful fr what others have, an' ye have not, an' thankful ye haven't it, all th' wurruld conthributes to ye'er gratichood. Ye set here hke a poor box in th' back iv th' church an" iv'rybody dhrops in his bad money an' swells ye. "But as I told ye, Hinnissy, afther all, th' ^^urkey bur-rd 's th' rale cause iv Thanksgivin'. He 's th' naytional air. Abolish th' Turkey an' ye desthroy th' tie that binds us as wan people. We 're wan race, hitched together be a gr-reat manny languages, a rellijon apiece, thraditions that don't agree with each other, akel opporchunities f r th' rich an' poor, to continue bein' rich an' poor, an' a common barnyard food. Whin iv'rybody in a nation eats 128 i Thanksgiving th' same things that all th' others eats, ye can't break thim up. Talk about th' dove iv peace ! Th' Turkey makes him look like a game cock. Can I help ye, Mr. Hinnissy ? White or dark? Th' leg, p'raps, or maybe th' part that goes over th' " "Some iv us," said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily, "some iv us will be atin' another kind iv bur-rd this fall." "Ye 're wrong there, me la-ad," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye 're wrong there. Ye 're wrong. They 'se no such thing as crow. Thanksgivin* dry conies too qtiick aftber iliction. We 're all r-ready f r th' blackest crow that ivver dimmycrat ate an' we have our noses in th' air. An' thin we look down, an' lo an' behold! 'tis Thanksgivin' Turkey." 129 ON THE MIDWAY 131 ON THE MIDWAY I li I TOL' ye wanst," said Mr. Dooky, " that f r wan man that goes to a wurruld's fair to see how boots is made, they 'se twinty goes to see th' hootchy- kootchy, an' that 's where th* wan lands fin'lly. 'T is so. Tliere was a time, Ilinnissy. whin people was inthrested in th' cannin' iv fruit an' liow lamp chimblies is blowed. I know a frind iv mine wint to th' Cintinyal in Philydel- phy an' los* th' use iv his legs thravelin' fr'm th' display iv mohair shawls to th' mannyfacthry iv open-face watches. An' he thought he'd had a good time. He cudden't make a watch, lave alone buy wan, anny more afther he 'd seen thim made thin whin all he knew about thim was seein' thim hangin' in th' window iv a pawnshop. ' How ar-re they made ? ' says I. ' Well,' says he, ' wan man sets at a macliine that makes th' wheels,' he says, * an' another man at a machine that makes th' case,' he says, ' an' so on, an' whin all th' parts ar-re complete,' he says, * they 're put together be another man an' there ye ar-re,' he says. 'An' therr I am,' says I. 'An' that's how watches is made, is it? ' says I. ' Well, I know a more 133 Mr, Dooley^s Opinions gin'rally undliershtud way in raakiu' a watch thin that/ says I. 'How's that?' says he. 'Whin th' man that owns it isn't loukin'/ I says. '"Twas so at Chicago. They showed me a printin'- press, an' I believed thim. They pinted out rocks an' said goold was made fr'm thim, an' I niver winked an eye. They took me down an' faced me again th' wondhers iv arts an' science an' commerce an' human ingenooity an' says : ' Behold,' says they, ' what man is doin' f r himsilf. Th' pant that wanst took wan man eight days to complete is now ' urled out at th' rate iv a thousan' a minyit be yon vast machine,' says they. * That gr-reat injine over there is thransformin' th' hog iv commerce into th' butther iv th' creamery,' they says. ' Come an' see th' threshin'-machine an' th' hydhraulic pump an' th' steam-shovel,' says they, 'an' have th' time iv ye'er life,' they says. 'No,' says I. * I seen enough f r a day iv pleasure,' I says, ' an' now I think I '11 back up fr'm th' wondhers iv science an' lane me fevered brow again a tower iv Pilsener beer in 01' Vienny,' I says. 'Take me,' I says, 'to th' Midway,' I says, ' fr th' gr-reatest wunuk iv imman ingenooity is human bein's an',' I says, 'they're all there,' I says. ' Whin that machine larns to blow " Ich vise nix vas alius bediten " on a horn, an' th' other wan can dance to th' music iv a tom-tom, I '11 come back an' ask if I can't buy thim something,' I says. ' In ih' manetime,' says I, ' 't is, 134 On the Midway t ho I fr th' Sthreets iv Cairo/ I says. An' I wint. An' so goes ivrybody. " ' T is no wondher that my clothes is made be machin- ery. Th' on'y wondher is that I can get thim afther they 're made. Th' priutin'-press is n't wondherful. What's wondherful is that annybody shud want it to go on doin' what it does. Ye can't dazzle me with th' cotton-gin or th' snow-plow or th' ice-machine or th' inkybator. Says I to th' invintors an' th' machinists: * Wurruk away,' I says, 'at forge an' anvil,' I says. ' Wurruk out ye'er devices iv human an' almost diabolical ingenooity,' I says. ' Hammer away in ye'er overhalls an' show what mechani- cal science can do,' I says, ' an' bring th' finished pro-duct to me,' I says. ' If 't is good an' I have th' money, I '11 buy it,' I says. ' Ye '11 find me at th' cool table near th' dure, an' ye'll recognize me because 1 '\\ have me finger in th' air signalin' th' kellner,' says I. "An" there ye ar-re. There ar-re no wondhers iv science, or if there ar-re anny they 're too wondherful to be undhershtud be anny wan but those wurrukin' at thim fr two dollars a day. I know they tell me that at th' Pan- American show in the city iv Buffalo th' ilicthric light is made be Niag'ra Falls. Between you an' me, Hinnissy, I don't believe wan wurrud iv it. It don't stand to reason. What goes over thim falls? Wather. An' how in th' wurruld can wather make lights ? Now, if 't was karo- 185 Mr. Doolefs Opinions i Bene ! But it 's wather that in more civilized communities they put th' lights out with. But they tell ye they've harnessed th' falls to light th' fair an' iv'ry ton iv wather that goes roarin' down that catarack an' pours through th' rapids between miles iv smilin' hotels to th' sea, projooces wan oom iv ilicthricity. An oom, Hinnissy, is about th' equivalent iv a quart iv th' ilicthrical flood. Does that sound right? No, foith, it don't. I niver see Niag'ra Falls, but I don't like to think iv it as a lamp-lighter tearin' round with a laddher an' a little torch. I don't believe in makin' liglit iv th' falls. Ye heerd th' joke. 'Tis mine, Hinnissy. Others made it befure me, but I made it las'. Th' las' man that makes a joke owns it. That 's why nie frind, Chancy Depoo, is such a humorist. " An' I don't care how th' lights ar-re made, annyhow, whether be th' wather that r-runs over th' falls or be a man with a monkey-wrench in a power-house. What I 'd like to see is th' light whin it 'a made. Hogan seen it, an' he says it makes th' moon look like a dark lanthern. They speak iv th' sun in Buffalo th' way a motorman on a trolley line wud shpeak iv a horse-car. * Th' sun is settin' earlier,' says he to Connors, th' thruckman that was towin' him. ' Since th' fair begun,' says Connors, ' it has n't showed afther eight o'clock. We seldom hear iv it nowa- days. We set our clocks be th' risin' an' settin' iv th' lights.' Siv'ral people spoke to Hogan about th' lights. 136 On the Midway ! \ He says he thought Connors made thini be th' way he talked, but he come to th' con-elusion that all his frinds had lint thim to th' fair an' wud take thira home whin 't was over an' put thim up in th' back parlor." " Hogan has been there, has he ?" " Faith, he has. He seen it all. He wint down there las' week, an' says he befure he left : ' A man,' he says, * must keep abreast iv th' times,' he says, * an' larn what mechanical science is doin' f r th' wurruld,' he says. So he put his year's earnin's in his vest-pocket an' started f r ^uffalo. Martin Casey's daughter, th' school-teacher, th' wan that wears th' specs, wint th' nex' day. " T is a gr-reat idjicational exhibit,' says she. * I 'm inthrested in th' study iv pidigogy.' 'Mary,' says I, 'what's that? ' I says. ' 'T is th' science iv teachin',' she says, ' an' I hear they've a gr-rand pidigogical exhibit there,' she says. * I 'm takin' along me note-book an' I will pick up what bets Petzalootzi, th' gr-reat leader iv our pro-fission, has over-looked,' she says. She 's a smart girl. She knows hardly a wurrud that ye 'd undhershtand, Hinnissy. ' Well,' says I, ' I hone 't will make a betther third-grade teacher iv ye,' I says. 'But if ye miss Petzalootzi an' wandher into th' Indyan village be chanst,' says I, ' don't be worrid,' I says. ' A little knowledge iv th' Soos an' th' Arrypahoos an' their habits,' I says, ' is not a bad thing ff anny wan that has to lam Chicago childher,' I says. 137 Mr. Doolefs Opinions " Hogan come back yisterday an' he sat in this very chair an' tol' me about it. 'How was th' arts an' sciences ? ' says I. ' Fine,' says he. ' I tell ye th' wurruld is makin' gr-reat pro-gress. An' th' Midway! Well, don't say a wurrud.' 'Did ye go to th' Agaricoolchooral Buildin' ? ' says I. ' Well, no,' he says. ' I missed that. Connors was goin' to take me there whin we come fr'm th' bull-fight, but I got so inthrested in th' struggle be- tween man an' beast,' he says, ' an' time flew so fast that be th' time I got away th' punkins haJ gone to bed an' th' agaricoolchooral show was closed,' he says. *But 'tis a fine buildin' on th' outside, an' th' lights is wondherful. Connors says there's twinty millyon candle-power iv lights on that buildin' alone an' he knows, f'r 'twas him got Niag'ra Falls to do it,' he says. 'They was a fine show iv machinery ? ' says I. ' They say they has n't been such a fine show iv machinery since th' shovel was in- vinted,' says he. ' I was on me way there whin I thought I 'd take a look in on th' Sthreets iv Cairo, an' who d'ye think I see there ? Ye '11 niver guess. Well, 't was little Ahmed ah Mamed. Ye raymimber th' small naygur that dhrove th' roan donkey whin we had a fair ? Yes, sir, he was there an' he showed me th' whole thing. Not a wurrud, mind ye, to anny iv me fam'ly. So whin I come back to see th' machinery, th* dure was locked, an' I had to catch th' las' car. Oh, but 'tis a handsome buildin'. 138 , On the Midway Connors tells me th' lights 'Niver mind that,' says I. 'How about th' mines, th' commercial display, th' good ol' stacks iv canned stamps an' ol' docymints that th' United States goverraint is thryin' to enlighten th' likes iv ye with ? Did you see thim ? ' ' i meant to,' says he. ' I was on me way fr'm a jug iv malt in an 01' German Village where there 's a fellow plays a picoloo in a way to make th' man that made it like it, an' I intinded to have a look at all thim what-d 'ye-may-call-ims whin a la-ad with a migaphone says right in me ear : " 1 mean you. This way, please. Raymimber ye may niver have another chanst. They 'se no delay an' no waitin'." An' says I to mesilf: "He knows me. Connors tol' him how I stand at home. I can't rayfuse th' honor." An' I wint in. An' here I am.' ' Ye mus' be an intillechool jint be this time/ I says. ' I know more thin I did,' says he, ' an' thim ligiits iv Connors ' ' Did ye see Mary Casey ? ' says I. ' I did,' says he. ' Where ? ' says 1. ' On a camel,' says he. 'Was she with Petzalootzi ? ' says I. 'With who?' says he. 'With Petzalootzi, th' gr-rcat master iv th' science iv pidigogy,' says I. ' No,' says he. * I think his name is Flannigan. He used to wurruk f r th' Mitchigan Cinthral,' says he. " An' there ye ar-re again, Hinnissy, Ye can believe me or not, but they 're all alike, man, woman or child. If I iver give a wurruld's fair, they won't be much to it but 139 Mr. Doolefs Opinions th' Midway, Th' principal buildiii's will be occypied be th* Sthreets iv Cairo, th' Indyan village, th' shoot-th'- shoots, th' loop-th'-loops an' similar exhibits iv what man is doin' not fr mankind but fr himsilf. They'll all be in th' main sthreet, an* they '11 be bands playin' an' tom-toms beatin' an' Egyptian girls dancin' an' Indyans howlin' an* men hootin' through migaphones fr'm th' minyit ye hand ye'er ticket to th' chopper at th' big gate. An' away over in a comer iv th' gr-round in a buildin' as small an' ob- scure as Alice Benbolt's grave, where no man 'd find it onless he thrippcd over it on his way to th' mcrry-go- round, I 'd put all th' arts an' sciences I cud pack into it an' lave th' r-rest outside where they cud wurruk. Fr a wurruld's fair is no rollin'-mills. If it was, ye'd be -aid fr goiu' there. 'Tis not th' rolliu'-mills an' 'tis not a school or a machine-shop or a grocery-store. 'Tis a big circus with manny Pogs. An' that's what it ought to be." " Why do they get thim up ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. "They get thim up fr th' advancement iv thought an' th' gate receipts," said Mr. Dooley. " But they 're run fr a good time an' a dcflFycit. " They tell me th' wan we had give an impetus, what- iver that is, to archytecture that it has n't raycovered fr'm yet. Afther th' fair, ivrybody that was annybody had to go to live in a Greek temple with an Eyetalian roof an' 140 On the Midway bay-windows. But tliim that was n't annybody has frgot all about th' wooden island an* th' Coort iv Honor, an' whin ye say annything to thim about th' fair, they say : 'D'ye rayraimber th' night I see ye on th' Midway? Oh, my!'" " D' ye think, Mr. Dooley, they do a city anny good ?*' asked the practical Mr. Hennessy. " They may not do th' city anny good, but they 're good f r the people in it," said Mr. Dooley. " An' they do th' city good in wan way. If a city has wan fair, it niver has to have another." 141 MR. CARNEGIE S GIFT 143 MR, CARNEGIE'S GIFT u T IN rnillyon dollars to make th' Scotch a lamed people," said Mr. Dooley. " Who done that ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. " Andhrew Carnajrgie," sajs Mr. Dooley. " He reaches down into his pocket where he keeps th' change an* pulls up tin millyon bawbies, an' says he : * Boys, take ye'er fill iv larnin', an' charge it to me,' he says. ' Diwle hang th' expiiise,' he says. ' Th' more th' merryer/ ho says. 'A short life ' a happy wan,' he says. ' Lam annytliing ye like,' he says. 'Name ye'er priference,' he says, 'an' put it all down to Camaygie,' he says. "That's th' way we do it, Andhrew an' me. Whin other men are chasin' a bit iv loose money to th' corner iv a little leat!ier purse to make good on a chair or a foldin' bed iv classical larain', we ordher th' whole furni- ture store an' have th' bill siiit up to th' house. Idjaca- tion in Scotland has been on th' retail. Th' Scotch have been goin' in with a bag of oatmeal an' exchangin' it fr enough larnin' to last over th' night. It's been hand to mouth with thim f r years. Andhrew an' me pro- pose f r to buy idjacation f r thim in th' bulk. Profissor, 145 10 Mr. Dooley*5 Opinions ,*!• J t'i \\ wrap up tin millyun duUars' worth iv thought an' aind it to th' Scotch. " Hinnissy, I don't know what 's goin' to happen whin U8 American mi1ly office in me front window. But if I had a little liquor store down in Noo York, I 'd be in pollytics up to me chin. Iwudso. Out here th' floaters is all bums. Down there th' floaters ar-re all mimbers iv th' Club. Out here we have to pay tl.im two dollars apiece at important ilic- tionsfr aldhermen an* wan dclhr whin some mit.or officer like prisidint is bcin' ilicted. Down there all we have to do is whistle in fr-ront iv a rayform club. Out here a man that often changes his shirt don't often change his 171 , i i! Mr. Doolefs Opinions pollytics. V man 's in th* same party till ho takes th' broad jump -an' sometimes afthcrward, f'r most iv th' people in this wanl wud die befure they 'd be burrid bo a raypublican undertaker. Down tlierc a man has a r-right to change iiis mind if he has a mind to change it, d 'ye mind, Hinnissy. *' An* 't is down there th' boys gets a clutch on th' green. A Chicago pollytician in Noo York wud be like a short change man from a dime museem box-office at a meetin' iv th' Standard ilc comp'ny. Ye 've seen thim out here at th* con-vintions with their tall bonnets on th' side iv their heads, swallow-tail coats ivry night, ' Boy, a pail iv champagne.' Oh, th' fine men ! Whin I re-read about thim in th' pa-apers.. I think I 'm in fairy land. What th' divvle do they care f'r anny wan ? Th' back iv th' hand an' th' sowl iv th' fut to wan an' siv'ral. Divry, Carroll, 'Tim' Soolyvan, Moxy Freeman, — splindid men with money to throw at th' hur-rds, but th' game law in force. Fine sthrong American citizens, an' Jew men, with their hand on th' pulse iv the people an' their free forearm again th' wind-pipe. Glory be, why haven't we their likes here? "An' Croker. They'se th' boy f'r me money, or wud be if he knew that I had it. He's th' boy f'r anny man's money. He knows th' game. They 'se as much diff 'reiice between th' hand-shakin, ' What 'U-ye-have-boys ' pollytics 172 I Some Political Observations an' th' rale article as there is between checkers an' murdher. He 's lile to bis frinds, but he has no frinds. He 's con- sistent but he ain't obstinate. lie 's out fr th' money an' he don't caro who knows it if they 've had a part iv it thimsilves. He 's lamed that they 'se a fam'ly enthrance to th' bank as well as to th' saloon. He started in life thinkin'all men was as bad as himsilf but expeeryence has con-vinced him they ar-re worse. He 's lamed that men can talk thimsilves to death an' he 's willin* to let thim do it. He 's heerd iv th' bonds iv love an' frindship an feelty but he prefers a cash forfeit. He 's me ideel states- man, so far. I won't change till I find wan that can keep on gettin' it an' not cut it up with annywan. Thin I '1' turn me pitcher iv Croker to th' wall an' paint out his minichoor that I wear over me heart. " He don't stay in this counthry much, an' I don't blame him. He goes over to England whiniver he wants to an' ye bet he ain't down in th' basemint iv th' ship Hstenin' to th" Eyctalyan playin' on th' accorjeen. No sir. An' whin he gets to England, he dou't sleep in th' park. Ye bet ye. He 's got tli' adjinin' house to th' Jook iv Cornwall an' him an' th' king can be seen anny hour iv th' afternoon on th' verandah iv th' Tower iv London talkin' it over. Well, manetimc, th' people at home they begin to have delusions about thimsilves. They begin to think they're loose whin 'tis on'y that 173 MICROCOPY RESOLUTION TEST CHART (ANSI and ISO TEST CHART No. 2) A APPLIED INA^GE Inc aS"- '653 Edsl Main Street S TJS Rochester, New York 14609 USA '-^ (716) 482 - 0300 - Phone ^B (716) 288 - 5989 - Fok Mr. Doolefs Opinions th' chain 's lentliened. Somebody tells thim about vice an' they say, 'By Jove, let's suppress it.' Rayformere, Hinnissy, is in favor iv suppressin' ivrything, but rale poUytifians believes in suppressin' nawthin' but ividince. A meetin' iv th' Assocyation iv Dealers in Roochin' is called, an' th' chairman declares that th' time has come to rid th' city iv th' neefaryous despot who is desthroyiu' all our liberties. * But,' says he, ' th' inimy is sthrong an' well organized,' he says. * He is a shrewd an' raysoorce- ful foe. I move,' he says, 'that 'tis th' sinse iv this meetin',' he says, ' that we proceed to be strong an' well organized an' a shrewd an' raysoorceful foe too. Th' ayes have it. I now propose as our candydate f'r mayor. Doctor Doocetiay, pro-fissor iv Greek an' Latin in th' Univarsity. I am informed be me shippin' clerk that there ar-re manny Greeks an' Latins in whativer-th'-divvle he calls th' sthreet he lives in an' th' pro-fissor can hand it to thim in cheirown language. "NVith this gallant leader at th' head iv our ticket, we can be assured iv a success that will mane that all corruption undher two-dollars an' all unlisted vice will be fearlessly punished. So let us,' he says, * to our wurruk. I promise ye that th' mornin' iv Decimber sixth, which I am informed be th' sicrety is iliction day, will find me th' first man to vote at Newport to crush out this octopus which is sthranglin' our noble city,' he says. ' Dillygates,' he says, ' will be furnished 174 Some Political Observations with slips iv pa-aper tellia' what precint thej live in be th' man at th' dure,' he sajs. " An' th' campaign opens. A gr-reat manny organiza- tions rallies ar-round th' standard iv th' Pro-fissor Dooceace. They 'se th' Why-was n't-Dinnis-J.-O'Shaughnessy- xommynated-f'r-sherifp Assocyation an' th' Can't- Cassidy-break-in Assocyation, an' th' Nawthin'-has- COME-THIS-WAY-SO-HERE-GOES ASS0CY\TI0N, an' th' Ain't-th'-Germaxs-goin'-to-get-annythinq-an'-rid- DER Assocyation. They 'se anny quantity iv orators — an' none is so con-vincin' as Tityrus T. Wooley. If annywan bpeaks iv a dimmycrat or a raypublican holdin' a job he feels faint. His side whiskers curls up at th' suggestion iv vice. Thousan's goes to hear his clane cut, incisive orations agin th' crool an' despotic reign iv Tamm'ny. Afther Tityrus T. Wooley gets through talkin' they 'se not a man in th' party wud take an office onless he 'd voted again his own candydate f'r prisidint at laste twic't. Ray publicans goes home an' burns up th' letther Abraham Lincoln wrote their fathers, an' dimmycrats speak iv Jefferson an' Jackson undher their breaths. They'se pitchers iv Tityrus T. Wooley as th' scoorge iv Croker in th' pa-apers an ivry time he opens his mouth, th' pool rooms closes. It begins to look 'as though Tityrus T. Wooley was not goin' to lave enough iv Tamm'ny Hall f'r a meal ticket, whin Croker comes home an' hears iv th' trouble. * * I N ir 175 ■ Mr. Doolefs Opinions " * Who 's th' worst iv thini ? ' says he. * Wooley,' says they. * What does he want ? ' * He 's in favor iv non- partisanship in pollytics.' ' But what does he want ? ' * He 's says that nawthin' will satisfy him but sindin' us to th' pinitinchry.' 'But what does he want?' 'An' installin' pure minded pathrites in office.' 'But what does he want ? ' * An' freein' th' city iv th" rule iv corrupt organizations.' 'I know all that. Pat what does he want ? ' An' that night some wan tells Tityrus T. Wooley he 's goin' to be noiumynated f r mayor. He comes over to find out about it. 'Misther Wooley,' says th' Main Thing, ' 't is th' sinse iv th' organization that ye be nommy- nated f'r mayor.' 'This is very sudden,' says Tityrus. * I must have time to make up me mind. I will do it while ye 're r-readin' me letther iv acciptance. Ye will see 't is sworn to be a uothry public. But I cannot make anny pledges,' he says. * We 'd rather not have thim,' says th' Main Thing. * We have no manes iv handlin' glass ware,' he says. * I will go into office without anny conditions,' says Tityrus. ' Sure,' says t'l' Gov'nor. * Ye '11 find th' conditions on th' desk. Besides,' he says, ' bad as ye want this job, ye '11 want th' nex' wan worse,' he says. An' th' nex' day they 'se a letther in th' pa-aper in which Tityrus T. Wooley announces tliat as his on'y purpose in pollytics was to injooce th' ancient an' hon'rable s'ciety to nommynate a man iv high character an' spotless repyta- 176 Some Political Observations tion, he feels he can no longer oppose it. That afthernoon ye can put a dollar on a horse in th' rooms iv th' Wooley an' Purity League. Yes, sir, they 're gr-reat people, thim Tamm'ny men." " How do they do it ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. " Well," said Mr. Dooley, " nearly all th' most foolish people in th' counthry an' nianny iv th' wisest goes to Noo York. Th' wise people ar-re there because th' foolish wiut first. That 's th' way th' wise men make a livin'. Th' easiest thing in th' wurruld is th' crather that 's half-on, an' mos' iv th' people down there are jus' half-on. They'se no more crooked people there thin annywhcre else but they 'se enough that wud be ashamed to confiss that they were n't crooked, to give a majority. That 's where our la-ads have th' others beat." " They may slip up," said Mr. Hennessy, " They 're li'ble to wanst in a while," said Mr. Dooley. " But 't is wan iv th' chances iv war. A rayformer thries to get into office on a flyin' machine. He succeeds now an' thin, but th' odds are a hundherd to wan on th' la-ad that tunnels through." li IS 177 I f« 11 II YOUTH AND AGE 'ft (ii 179 if YOUTH AND AGE u I SEE that Tiddy — " Mr. Dooley began. " Don't be disrayspictful," said Mr. Hennessy. " I 'm not disrayspictful," said Mr. Dooley. " I 'm affictionate. I 'm familyar. But I 'm not disrayspictful. I may be burned at th' stake f r it. Whinivcr annything happens in this couuthry, a comity iv prom'nent businera men, clargymen an' colledge pro-fissors meets an' raysolves to go out an' lynch a "ew familyar dim mycrats. I • ndher why it is th' clargy is so much more excitable thii. anny other people. Ye take a man with small side whiskers, a long coat an' a white choker, a man that wudden't harm »» spider an' that floats like an Angel iv Peace as Hogan says, over a mixed quartette choir, an' lave annything stir- rin' happen an' he '11 sind up th' premyums on fire insur- ance. Lave a bad man do a bad deed an' th' preachers is all f r quartherin' ivrybody that can't recite th' thirty-nine articles on his head. If somebody starts a fire, they grab up a can iv karasene an' begin fr to bum down th' block. 'Tis a good thing preachers don't go to Congress. Whin they're ca'm they'd wipe out all th' laws an' whin they're 181 \vA IP 5 ' t Mr. Doolefs Opinions excited, they'd wipe out all th* popylation. They're niver two jumps fr'm th' thumbscrew. 'Tis quare th* best iv men at times shud feel like th' worst tow'rd those between. "But annyhow, I see that Tiddy, Prisidint Tiddy,— here's his health — is th' youngest prisidint we've iver had, an' some iv th' pa-apers ar-re wondherin' whether he 's old enouglj f r th' raysponsibilities iv th' office. He isn't afra'^., but a good manny ar-re, that a man iv on'y forty-two or tliree, who li.is n't lobt a tooth, an' maybe has gained a few, a mere child, who ought to be playin' mibs or ' Run, sheep, run,' at Eyesther Bay, will n(jt be able f r to conduct th' business iv Gover'mint with th' proper amount iv infirmity. Some day whin th' cab'net hobbles in to submit a gr-reat quistion iv foreign policy, th' prisidint '11 be out in th' back yard performin' at knor^' up an' catch with his sicrety. Whin he wants to see a foreign ambassadure, he won't sind fr him an' rayceive him standin' up with wjin hand on th' Monroe docthrine an' th' other on th' map iv our foreign posaissions, but will pull his hat over his eyes an' go ar-round to Lord Ponsy- foot's house an' whistle or call out, *Hee-oo-ee.' He'll have a high chair at th' table an' drink th' health iv his guests in milk an' wather ; he '11 outrage th' rools iv di- plomacy be screamin' *fen ivrythings' whin th' Ciiinese ministher calls, au' instead iv studyin' th' histhry iv our 182 Touth and Age counthry, he'll be caught in a corner iv th' White House, peroosin' th' histhry iv Shorty in Sarch iv liig Dad. I suppose we'll have th' usu'l diffycultles with him,— makin" him comb his hair an' black th' heel- iv his boots an' not put his elbows on th' table, an' not reach or pint, an' go to bed afther supper an' get up in time fr breakfast, an' keep away fr m th' wather an' cut out cigreets an' go back to his room an' thry behind th' ears. But what can ye expict fr'm a kid iv forty-two ? " " I wondher sometimes, Hiimissy, whin is a man old enough. I've seen th' age limit risin' iver since I wint into public life. Whin I was a young la-ud, a fellow wud come out iv colledge or th' rayform school or wliativer was his alma mather, knock down th' first ol' man in his way an' leap to th' fr-ront. Ivry time school let out, some aged statesman wint back like Cincinnati to his farm an' was glad to get there safe. Ye cud mark th' pro-gress iv youth be th' wreck iv spectacles, goold-lieaded walkin' sticks, unrale teeth, an' pretinded hair. Th' sayin' was in thim days, ol' men fr ^h' crossin', young men f r th' cab. Whin ol' age discinded like a biiiidic- tion on a man's head, we put a green flag in his hand an' gave him a good steady job as assistant to an autymatic gate. ...go is gr-reat, Hinnissy, as a flagman. It saves th' thrucks ar' drays iv life fr'm gettin' in th' way iv th' locymotives. But it don't stop th' locymotives. They 183 Mr, Doolefs Opinions come too fast. Fifteen or twiuty years hince, whin I become niachure, I can tell ye ivrything nearly ye ought n't to do but uawthin' ye ought to do. " In tir oP days, a man wan a man whin he voted — at twinty-wan in Boston, at eighteen in th' sixth war-rd. I r-read in this pa-uper thut 't was evea more so befure me time. Alexandhi r th' Gr-reat was on'y foorteen whin he conkercd Boolgnhrya, Ccosar was jus' fr'm business col- ledge whin he put Mark Antony out iv th' business. Frederick th' Gr-reat was in skirts whin he done whativer he done an' done it well. Fox an' Pitt, if I have th' names r-right, was in compound fractions whin they wint into th' council. Why, Hinnissy, I was hardly thirty-five whin I accipted th' prisidincy iv this establishment with all its foreign complications an' rivinoo problems ! A man iv thirty was counted machure, a man iv forty was looked on as a patriarch an' whin a man got to be fifty, th' fam'ly put his chair in th' corner an' give him th' back bedroom. I had it all fixed to make me millyion at thirty an' retire. I don't rayniimber now what happened to me between twinty-nine an' thirty-wan. " But now- ■ vi, be hivins, a man don't get started till he 's too old to ran. Th' race iv life ha.s settled down to something between a limp an' a hobble. 'Tis th' ol' man's time. An orator is a boy orator as long as he can speak without th' aid iv a dintal surgeon ; an acthor is a 184 Youth and Age t boy acthor until he's so old he cuii't phjy King Lear with- out puttiu' a little iv th' bloom iv youth on his cheeks out iv th' youth jar ; a statesmau that can't rayminibcr what Bushrod Wash'nton thought • aut th' Alyen an' Sedition law belongs in th' nurs'ry. look ar-round roe at *^' pitchers iv gr-reat men in th' pa-aper an' greatness r,;,, , . white whiskers. There's no such thing as age. if Methuse' 'h was alive, he 'd be captain iv a football team. Whin a jnan gets to ninety, he's jus' beginnin' to feel sthrong enough f r wurruk. Annybody that thries to do annything befure he's an oncomfortable risk fr th' life insurance comp'ny is snubbed fr youthful impertinence. * A new lithry light has appeared on th' lithrachoor hori- zon. Although on'y eighty-two, his little story iv " An afthemoon with Prudy " shows gr-reat promise. We hope he will some day do son.^'hing wor' iv him.' 'Keokuk H. Higbie has been ilicted irisidii. iv th' G. 0. an' L. system to take th' place iv ^unison N. Griggs who has become head coach -■: th' Cin ii uryan Athletic club. Mr. Higbie has had a ii.cteeyorit career, havin' risen in less thin eighty years fr'm th' position iv brakeman to be head iv this gr-reat system. Youth must be sarved.' *A vacancy is expicted in th' supreme cor rt. Misther Justice Colligan will cillybrate his wan hundherd an' fiftieth birth- day nex' month an' it is ixpected he will retire. That august body becomes more an' more joovenile ivry year, K5 ! i Mr, Doolefs Opinions an' there is danger it will low th' rayspict iv th' naytion. Manny iv th" numbers was not prisint whin th' constitu- tion was signed an' don't know annything about it.' " So it goes. Mind ye, Hinnissy, I don't object. 'T is all r-right in me hand, f r, though far fr'm decrepit, barrin' tir left leg, I 'm old enough to look down on Prisidint Tiddy if I did n't look up to him. If I was as old as I am now whin I was as young as I was befure th' war, I 'd be shy ivry time I see a man come into th' pasture with a bag an' an axe. They say rayspict f r ol' age is gone out. That may be thrue, but if 't is so, 't is because us ol' la-ads is still doin' things on th' thrapeze. I don't w;uit anny man's rayspict. It manes I don't count. So whin I come to think it over, I agree with th' pa-apers. Prisidint Tiddy is too young f r th' office. What is needed is a man iv — well, a man iv my age. An' I don't know as I 'm quite ripe enough. I 'm goin' out now to roll me hoop." " Go on with ye," said Mr. Hennessy. " Whin do ye think a man is old enough ? " " Well," said Mr. Doolcy, " a man is old enough to vote whin he can vote, he 's old enough to wurruk whin he can wurruk. An' he 's old enough to be prisidint whin he becomes prisidint. If he aiu't, 't will age him." 186 ON WALL STREET m m m 187 i I : ON WALL STREET (( w ELL, sir," said Mr. Dooley, " I see th' Titans iv Finance had clutched each other be th' throat an' engaged in a death sthruggle. Glory be, whin business gets above sellin' tinpinny nails in a brown paper comucopy, 'tis hard to tell it fr'm murther." " What 's a Titan iv Fi-nance ? " asked Mr. Hennessy. "A Ti-tan iv Fi-nance," said Mr. Dooley, "is a man that's got more money thin he can carry without bein' disordherly. They 'se no intoxicant in th' wurruld, Hiniiissy, like money. It goes to th' head quicker thin th' whiskey th' dhruggist makes in his back room. A little money taken fr'm frinds in a social way or fr th' stomach's sake is not so bad. A man can make money slowly an' go on increasin' his capacity till he can carry his load without staggerin' an' do nawthin' vilent with a millyon or two aboord. But some iv these la-ads has been thrjin' to consume th' intire output, an' it looks to me as though 'twas about time to call in th' polls. 'Tis like whin Scaldy Quiun an' Scrappy Burke, two Titans at rough-an*- 189 Mr. Doolefs Opinions tumble, comes in here to glory in their strenth over th' bottle, an' Burke puts up a kag iv beer with wan hand an' Quinn bets he can toss th' cabur further thin anny man on th' road, and wan wurrud leads to another, an' all wurruds leads to a fight. ' I 'm th' gr-reatest consolidator in th' wurruld,' says Scaldy Harriman, ' I 've consolidated th' U. P., th' K. R. & L., th' R. 0. & T., th' B. U. & M., an' th' N. & G.,' says he. * I 've a line iv smoke reachin' fr'm wan ocean to th' other,' he says, 'I'm no ordin'ry person,' he says. ' I 'm not a banker lindin' other people's money 9t six per cint., or a railroad prisidint haulin' hogs to market,' he says. ' I 'm a Titan,' he says. ' If ye don't believe it, see th' pa-apers,' he says, 'an' ask me,' he says. ' I 'm a Titan an' I 'm lookin' fr throuble,' he says, ' an* here it comes,' he says. ' You a consolidator ? ' says Scrappy Morgan. 'Why,' he says, *ye cudden't mix dhrinks fr me,' he says. 'I'm th' on'y ruffyan con- solidator in th' gleamin' West,' he says. 'I've jined th' mountains iv th* moon railway with th' canals iv Mars, an' I 'II be haulin' wind fr'm the caves iv Saturn befure th' first iv th' year,' he says. ' I 'm a close an' free mixer,' he says. ' Titan, says ye ? I'm all th' Titans, th' U. S. Titan company consolidated, an' I 've bonded th' strenth iv me back an' put out five hundred millyons iv stock iv th' power iv me mighty arms,' he says. ' I 've belted th* wurruld with steel an' I think to mesilf 190 ]. 9*!^---* ' t'l On Wall Street I'll now belt you,' he says. An' they closely embrace. What happens, sayt ye ? Well, th' big la-ads is sthrong and knows how to guard, and wlau tliey 're spread out, small harm has come to thim. But th' little dhrunk financeers that 're not used to th' flowin' dividend an' th' quick profit that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an adder, th' little la-ads that are carryin' more thin they can hold an' walk, are picked up i pieces. An' as f'r mc, th' innocint man that let the two burlies into me place to not, I 've got to make a call on th' furniture dealers in th» mornin'. That's what Hogan calls. Oh, Fi-nance. Oh, Fi-nance, as Shakespeare says, how manuy crimes are committed in thy name! " 'T was a fine spree while it lasted, Hinnissy. Niver befure in th' histhry iv th' wurruld has so manny barbers an' waiters been on th' verge iv a private yaclit. Th' capitalist that tindcd to th' wants iv th' inner Jawn W. Gates lost his job at the Waldorf-Astorya f'r lettin' his diamond studs fall into a bowl of soup that he was car- ryin' to a former mimber iv th" cliambermaifl staff that had found a tip on No'-LJiern Passyfic on th' flure iv Jim Keene's room, an' on retirin' ofTered to match th' prop; tor f r th' hotel. Th' barber in th' third chair cut off part iv ih' nose iv th' prisident iv Con and Foundher whin A. P. wint up fourteen pints. He compromised with his ▼ictim be takin' a place on th' boord iv th' comp'ny. Th* 191 Mr, Doolefs Opinions effect iv tli' boom on th' uece^sitles iv lifo, lik'^ champagne an' race horses an' chonis girls, common and preferred, was threemenjous. It looked fr a while as though most iv th' meenjal wurruk iv th' counthry would have to be done be old-lina millyionaires who'd made their mone^ sellin' four cints worth iv stove polish f r a nickle. But it 's all past now. Th' waiter has returned to his mutton an' th' barber to his plowshare. Th' chorus girl has ray- sumcd th' position f r which nature intinded her, an' th' usual yachtin' will be done on th' cable cars at eight a. m. and six p. m., as befure. The jag is over. Manny a man that looked like a powdher pigeon a month ago looks like a hunchback to-day. " It 's on'y a few days since I see be th' pa-apers that Tim Mangan, th' bootblack at th' Alhambra Hotel had made a small fortune in stocks. It seems he used to polish th' pedals fr a Titan iv Fi-nance, that f 'r lack iv any other kind iv a tip, gave him wan or th' market. All Tim's frinds is deli£;hted with his good luck. He said farevi^e]- to thim las' night at a bankit in th' Dead Fall resthrant. Mr. Orestes L. Hicks, th' bull leader, was prisint and pinted out Tim as an example iv what a young man cud do be close application an' industhree an' gam- blin'. He predicted he wud shine in th' wurruld iv fi- nance as he had in a more humbler, but not less hon'rable spare. (Laughter an' cheers.) 102 On IVall Street " Thin I read that Timothy Mangaii, wanst a bootblack at th' AUianibra Hotel, b supposed to be long a large block iv D. 0. P. & E. After that I see that Timothy E. Mangan, who will be kindly ri'ymimbercd be pathrons iv th' Alhambra Hotel, hts been conspicuous in the sthreet, an' is head iv a pool to consolidate th' Egg, Oysther an' Pie plants iv th' cc mthty. Th' nex' week 't was T. Emmett Mangan was seen las' night at th' Waldorf- Astorya, where he was histin' in milk punches with his frind Orestes L. Hicks. Mr. Mangan is a firm believer in th' future iv stocks. *Th' counthry was niver so pros- perous,' he says. 'Th' banks are well protected an* money is so aisy as to be almost uncomfortable,' he says. ' We ar-re g nn' to a three per cint basis,' he says, ' or even less,' he says. * Some stocks won't pay annything,' he says, *if shares like S. N. A. & P., which pay on'y six per cint, ar-re worth two hundherd, shares that don't pay annything are equally as good, f 'r what th' divvle is six per cint whin the counthry is so prosperous? Waiter,' said th' dashin' young millyionaire, ' bring this journalist a hogshead iv champagne v/ine an' ordher me gilt coach an' twelve horses f r five o'clock. I 'm goin' to buy th' front window iv a joolry store f r Mame,' he says. * Ye can keep th' change,' he says. * I don't wan't ye-€r money,' Bays th' waiter haughtily, throwin' down th' hundherd ' ;llar bill. * Who ar-re ye ? ' says Mister Mangan, cur- ia 193 Mr. Doolefs Opinion's Tously. ' I 'in the bull leader iu Amalgamated Hair/ says th' man * an' I 'ni ou'y bangin* r-round here until th' boord iv directors gets off watch at th' bar an' comes in f r to hold th' semi-anooal mtetin',' he says. Th' two gr-reat ti-nanceers, afther makin' an agreement to race their ^achts nex' week, shook hands corjally, an' Misther Mangan, havin' been helped on with hia red plush over- coat be th' Prisidint iv th' Ump Xaytional Bank, was escorted to th' dure be th' vice prisidint of th' Gum com- bine, who had on'y an hour befure handed in his resigL ation as chief bell-boy. " That 's the las' I '11 hear iv Tim Mangan in th' news- papers, onless he 's took up be th' polls. I have n't had me boots blacked fr sivcral Sundahs because it hasn't been rainin', an' besides I did n't want to disthract anny iv our ladin' financeers fr'm their jooties to the wealth iv th' nation. But if 't will give ye anny satisfaction to have thira pumps iv ye-ere's japanned be a former bull leader, ye can go down to th' Alhambra Hotel an' 't will be pro- perly done f 'r five ciuts common, tin preferred. It 's not as good a shine as it was six months ago. Wanst a man looks at a ticker, he can't see sthraight fr some time. I 'm goin' to black me own boots an' shave mesilf till th' effects iv the boom wears off. But Tim will get back to his speed afther awhile, an' gome Saturdah night, he will lay out fifty cints in two gallery seats, an' him ar' th* 194 On Wall Street little laundliress, that he knew befure th' boom begau, can admire what 8 left iv th' frout wiudow iv th' joolry store iu th' back row iv th'. churus." " Well, poor boy, 't is too bad," said Mr. Hennessy, the man of seutiment. " It is so," said Mr. Dooley. " But crazy come, crazy go." 105 COLLEGES AND DEGREES 197 HiEhri .. COLLEGES AND DE- GREES I SEE," said Mr. Doolejr, " that good ol' Yale, be- cause it makes us feel so hale, dhriulc her down, as Hogan says, has been cillybratiu' her bicintinry." " What 's that ? " asked Mr. Heunessy. "'Tis what," said Mr. Dooley, 'if it happened to you or me or Saint Ignatyus Colledge 'd be called our two hun- dherdth birthday. From th' Greek, bi, two, cintinry, hundherd, two hundherd. Do ye folic? 'Tis th' way to make a colledge wurrud. Thinh iv it in English, thin think it back into Greek, thin thr«nslate it. Two hun- dherd years ago, Yale Colledge was founded be Eli Yale, an Englishman, an' d~ad at thut. He didn't know what he was doin' an' no more did I till I r-read iv these fistivi- ties. I knew it nestled uudher th' ellums iv New Haven, Connecticut, but I thought no more iv it thin that 't was th' name iv a lock, a smokin' tobacco an' a large school nestlln' undher th' ellums iv New Haven where ye sint ye'er boy if ye cud affoord it an' be lamed th' Greek 199 I i Mr. Doolefs Opinions chorus an' th' American an' chased th' fleet fut ball an' th' more fleet aorist, a spoort that Hogan knows about, an' come out whin he had to an' wint to wurruk. But, ye take me wurrud f'r it. Yale's more thin that, Hin- nissy. I get it sthraight fr'm th' thruthful sons iv Yale thimsilves that if it had n't been f r this dear bunch iv dormitories nestlin' undher th' cllums iv New Haven, our beloved counthry an' th' short end iv th' wurruld too, might to-day be no betther thin they should be. Ivry great invintion fr'm th' typewriter to th' V-shaped wedge can be thraced to this prodigal instichoochion. But f'r Yale, we 'd be goin' to Europe on th' decks iv sailin' ves- sels instead iv comin' away in th' steerage iv steamships or stayin' at home; we 'd be dhrivin' horses, as manny iv th' unlarned iv us do to this day instead iv pushin' th' swift autymobill up hill ; we 'd be writin' long an' amusin' letters to our frinds instead iv tillyphonin' or tiUygraftin' thim. Listen to what me classical assocyate Misther Justice Brewer, iv th' supreme coort, '68 — that was th' year he got his ticket out — says about our alma mather. "'Two hundherd years ago,' he says, 'Yale had sivin pro-fissors an' forty books ; to^ay she has sivin hundherd pro-fissors an' near three hundherd thousan' volumes iv lore. Annywan that takes an inthrest in these subjects can verify me remarks be applyin' to th' janitor fr th' keys. I am more consamed with th' inflooence iv Yale 200 Colleges and Degrees on th' mateeryal affairs iv th' wurruld. Whin this beau- tiful coUedge first begun to nestle undher th' ellums iv New Haven, ships were propilled be th' wind ; our vehi- cles were dhrawn be th' ox, th' horse, th' wife, th' camel, th' goat, th' Newfoundland dog, th' zebra. Th' wind,' he says, * blows no more lustier now thin it did whin Paul was tossed about th' Mediterranyan be th' tuniulchuse what '»-its-name. Th' ox an' th' horse has grown no sthronger, I assure ye, thin whin Abraham wint forth fr'ra his father's house. But if Paul was livin' to-day, he wud go to Rome be th' Eome an' Tarsus thransportation line, first-class. I don't know where he 'd get th' money but he 'd find it somewhere. He 'd go to Rome first-cabin an' whin he was in Rome, he wud, as Prisidint Hadley's frind Cicero wud say, do as th' Romans do. So be Abraham. Ye can undherstand fr'm this brief sketch what Yale has done. She has contiuyed to nestle undher th' ellums iv New Haven an' th' whole face iv th' wurruld has been changed. Ye will see th' value iv nestlin'. I wud apply th' method to thrusts. Iv all th' gr-reat evils now threat- enin* th' body politic an' th' pollytical bodies, these crool organizations an' combinations iv capital is perhaps th' best example iv what upright an' arnest business men can do whin they are let alone. They cannot be stamped out be laws or th' decisions iv coorts, if I have annything to say about it, or hos-tile ligislachion which is too frindlj. 201 Mr. Doolefs Opinions Their desthruction canaot be accomplished be dimagogues. Miraboo, a Frinchman, wanst excited th' Frinch prolo- toory to rayvolt. What good came iv it? They made France a raypublic, that 's all. But something must be done about th' thrusts. They must be desthroyed or they must not. How to do it. Th' answer is found in th' histhry iv Yale. Whin steam was discovered, she was nestlin' undher th' ellums iv New Haven. Whin th' tilly- graft was invinted, she nestled. She nestled two hun- dherd years ago. She is still nestlin'. I ask her sons to proat be th' example iv their almy mather an' nestle. Whin things go wrong, nestle. Whin th' counthry is alarmed, nestle. Do not attimpt to desthroy th' hateful thrusts with harsh laws or advarse ligislachion. Nestle. An' there are worse places to nestle in thin a good thrust. An' if ye feather th' nestle, it 's aisier on ye.' " Well, sir, I think 't was good advice, an' I 'm sure, Hinnissy, that th' assimbled hayroes iv culture thought well iv their degrees whin they got thim. What 's a degree, says ye? A degree is a certyficate fr'm a ladin' university entitlin' ye to wear a mother Hubbard in spite iv th' polls. It makes ye doctor iv something an' enables ye to practise at ye'er pro-fission. I don't mind tellin' ye, Hinnissy, that if I was a law which I'm not, I'd have to be pretty sick befure I'd call in manny iv th' doctors iv laws I know, an' as fr American lithrachoor, it 202 Colleges and Degrees don't need a doctor so much as a coroner. But annyhow degrees is good things because tliey livils all ranks. Ivry public man is entitled ex-ofl5cio to all th' degrees there are. An' no public or private man escapes. Ye have n't got wan, ye say ? Ye will though. Some day ye '11 see a polisman fr'm th' University iv Chicago at th' dure an' ye '11 hide undher th' bed. But he '11 get ye an' haul ye out. Ye '11 say: 'I haven't done annything,' an' he'll say : * Ye 'd betther come along quite. I 'm sarvin' a de- gree on ye fr'm Prisidint Harper.' Some iv th' tliriftier univarsities is makin' a degree th' alternytive iv a fine. Five dollars or docthor iv laws. " They was manny handed out be Yale, an' to each man th' prisidint said a few wurruds explainin' why he got it, so's he'd know. I r-read all th' speeches: 'Kazoo Kazania, pro-fissor iv fan paintiu' at th' Univarsity iv Tokeeo, because ye belong to an jir.her civilization thin ours but are losin' it,' to * Willum Beans, wanst iditor iv th' Atlantic Monthly but not now,' to * Arthur Somerset Soanso who wrote manny long stories but some short,' to ' Markess Hikibomo Itto because he was around,' to 'Fedor Fedorvitch Fedorivinisky because he come so far.' "An' thin they was gr-reat jubilation, an' shootin' off iv firewurruks an' pomes be ol' gradyates with tli' doc- thors iv lithrachoor sittin' in th' ambulances waitin' fr a 203 Mr. Doolefs Opinions hurry call. An' thin ivry wan wint home. I was glad to r-read about it, Hinnissy. It done me heart good to feel that boys must be boys even whin they're men. An* they-se manny things in th' wurruld that ye ought to believe even if ye think they're not so." « D' ye think th' colledges has much to do with th' pro- gress iv th' wurruld? " asked Mr. Hennessy. "D'ye think," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis th' mill that makes th' wather run?" it 204 THE BOOKER JFASHINGTON INCIDENT 205 ! THE BOOKER WASHINGTON INCIDENT w 'HAT ails th' prisidint haviu' a coon to dinner at th' White House ? " asked Mr. Hennessv. " Pie 's a lamed man," said Mr. Dooley. "He's a coon," said Mr. Hennessy. "Well, annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "it's goin' to be th' roonation iv Prisidint Tiddy's chances in th' South. Thousan's iv men who wudden't have voted f'r him undher anny circumstances has declared that under no circumstances wud they now vote f'r him. He 's lost near ivry state in th' South. Th' gran' ol' commonwealth iv Texas has deserted th' banner iv th' raypublican party an' Mississippi will cast her unanimous counted vote again him. Onless he can get support fr'm Matsachoosetts or some other state where th' people don't care annything about th' naygur excipt to dislike him, he '11 be beat sure. " I don't suppose he thought iv it whin he ast me cul- tured but swarthy frind Booker T, They 'd been talkin* over th' race problem an' th' Cubian war, an' th* prospects 207 Mr. Doolefs Opinions iv th' race an' th' Cubian war, an' th' future iv th' naygro an' th' Cubian war, an' tindin' Booker T.was inthrested in important public subjects like th' Cubian war, th' prisi- dint ast him to come up to th' White House an' ate dinner an' have a good long talk about th' Cubian war. ' Ye '11 not be th' first Wash'nton that's ct here,' he says. *Th' other was no rilitive, or at laste,' says Booker T., 'he'd hardly own me,' he says. * He might,' says th' prisidint, • if ye 'd been in th' neighborhood iv Mt. Vernon in his time,' he says. 'Annyhow,' he says, 'come up. I'm goin' to thry an experiment,' he says. ' I want to see will all th' pitchers iv tli' prisidints befure Lincoln fall out iv th' frames whin ye come in,' he says. An' Booker wint. So wud I. So 'vud anny wim. I 'd go if I had to black up. « I didn 't hear that th' guest done annything wrong at th' table. Fr'm all I can lam, he hung his hat on th' rack an' used proper discrimination between th' knife an' th' fork an' ast f 'r nawthin' that had to be sint out f 'r. They was no mark on th' table cloth where his hands rested an' an invintory iv th' spoons after his departure showed that he had used gintlemanly resthraint. At th' con-elusion iv th' fistivities he wint away, lavin' his ilus- threes friend standin' on th' top iv San Joon hill an' thought no more about it. Th' ghost iv th' other Wash'n- ton didn' t appear to break a soop tureen over his head. P'raps where George is he has to aasocyate with manny 208 Booker W^ashington Incident minibere iv tli' Bouker branch on terms iv akequality. I don't suppose they have partitions up in th' other wurruld like th' kind tliey have in th' cars down south. They can't be anny Crow Hivin. I w^ondher how they keep up race supreemacy. Maybe they get on without it. Anny- how I was n't worrid about Booker T. I have me own share iv race prejudice, Hinnissy. Ne'er a man an' brother has darkened this threshold since I 've had it or will but th' whitewasher. But I don't mind sayin' that I 'd rather ate with a coon thin have wan wait on me. I 'd sooner he 'd handle his own food thin mine. F'r me, if anny thumb must be in th' gravy, lave it be white if ye please. But this wasn't my dinner an' it wasn't my house an' I hardly give it a thought. "But it hit th' Sunny Southland. No part iv th' counthry can be more gloomy whin it thries tiiin th' 3unny Southland an' this here ivint sint a thrill iv horror through ivery newspaper fr'm tli' Pattymack to th' Sugar Belt. *Fr'm time immemoryal,' sajs wan paper I read, *th' sacred rule at th' White House has been, whin it comes to dinner, please pass th' dark meat. It was a wise rule an' founded on thrue principles. Th' supreemacy iv th' white depinds on socyal supeeryority an' socyal su- peeryority depinds on makin' th' coon ate in th' back iv th' house. He raises our food f'r us, cooks it, sets th' table an' brings in th' platter. We are liberal an' we H 209 Mr. Doolefs Opinions make no attinipt to supplant him with more intilligent au' wage labor. We encourage his industhry because we know that f r a lov; ordher iv intilligence, labor is th' on'y panaece. Tt is no good fr a thoughtful man. We threat him right. He has plenty to do an' nawthin' to bother him a J if he isn't satisfied he be hanged. We are slowly givin him an' idjacj'tion. Ivry year wan or more naygure is given a good idjacation an' put on a north bound freight with a warnin'. But whin it comes to havin' him set down at th' table with us, we dhraw th' color line an' th' six shooter. Th' black has manny fine qualities. He is joyous, light-hearted, an' aisily lynched. But as a fellow bong vivant, not be anny means. We have th' highest rayspict fr Booker T. Wasii'nton. He's an idj-^cated coon. He is said to undherstand Latin an' Greek. We do not know. But we know that to feed him at th' White House was an insult to ivry honest man an' fair woman in th' Sunny Southland an' a blow at white supreemacy. That must be avinged. Th' las' enthrinch- mint iv socyal supeeryority in th' South is th' dinin' room an' there we will defiud it with our sacred honor. We will not on'y defind our own dinin' room but ivry other man's, so that in time, if th' prisidint iv th' United States wants to ate with a naygur, he '11 have to put on a coat iv burnt cork an' go to th' woodshed. Manetimc wc hear that th' white man in Alabama that voted fr Rosen- 210 Booker JVashington Incident («lt Iuh' year baH come uut aguiu him. Th' tide has tu-ned.' 'So there ye are. An' f'r th' life iv me, I can't tell which is right. But I think th' prisidint's place is a good dale like mine. I believe that manny an honest heart bates beneath a plaid vest, but I don't like a naygur. Howlver, Hiunissy, if Fate, us Hugan said, had condemned me to start in business on th' Levee, I 'd sarve th' black man tbat put down tii' money as quick as I wud th' white. I feel I wudden't, but I know I wud. But bein' that I 'm up here in this Cowcasyan neighborhood, I spurn th' dark coin. They 'se very little iv it annyhow an' if anny iv me proud customers was f'r to see an unshackled slave lanin' again this bar, it 'd go hard with him an' with me. Me frinds has no care f'r race supeeryority. A raaly su- peeryor race niver tliinks iv that. But black an' white don't mix, Hinnissy' an' if it wint th' rounds that Dooley was handin' out rayfrishmint to th' colored popylation, I might as well change me license. So be th' prisidint. They'se nawthin' wrong in him havin' me frind Booker T. up to dinner. That 's a fine naygur man, an' if me an' th' presidint wae in a private station, d 'ye mind, we cud f 'rget th' color iv th' good man an' say, ' Booker T. stretch ye'er legs in front iv th' fire, while I go to th' butcher's f'r a pound iv pork chops.' But bein' that I — an' th' prisi- dint — is public sarvants an' manny iv our customers has 211 Mr. Doolefs Opinions oiiruis'iiable prejoodicca, an' afther all 't is to tbira I 've gat to look f r me support, I put me hand on his should'jer an' says I : ' iMe colore