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D UKE UNIVERSIT Y 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 The Glenn Negley Collection 
 of Utopian Literature 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
UPSIDONIA 
 
BY THE SAME AUTHOR 
 
 Rank and Riches 3 rd Edition 
 
 "Abounding in clever situations."— 
 
 Pall Mall Gazette. 
 
 Roding Rectory 5 th Edition 
 
 " A story which is absorbing from first to 
 last."— Daily Telegraph. 
 
 The Honour of the Clintons 
 
 3rd Edition 
 "A delightful piece of work."— Daily News. 
 
 The Mystery of Redmarsh Farm 
 
 4th Edition 
 
 "The story is exceedingly well told." — 
 
 Morning Post. 
 
 London : 
 Stanley Paul & Co.. 31, Essex Street, W.C. 
 
UPSIDONIA 
 
 ARCHIBALD MARSHALL 
 
 Author of 
 
 ' Exion Manor,'' "The Honour of the Clintons," 
 
 " Rooing Rectory." 
 
 " Rank & Riches," etc. 
 
 % 
 
 LONDON 
 STANLEY PAUL & GO. 
 
 31 ESSEX STREET, STRAND, W.G. 
 
Published in 1915 
 
To the Three 
 
 Comic Characters, 
 
 K, M, & N. 
 
 523514 
 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 Duke University Libraries 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/upsidoniaOOmars 
 
UPSIDONIA 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 I had been walking for many days, carrying my 
 pack, enjoying myself hugely and spending 
 next to nothing. I had got into a wild hilly 
 country, where habitation was very sparse, 
 and had walked for hours that morning along 
 a rough road without meeting a single human 
 being. 
 
 In the middle of the day I came to a moorside 
 hamlet, where I got something of a meal, and 
 set out again almost immediately, meaning to 
 find some place where I could enjoy an hour's 
 sleep. For it was very hot, and I had already 
 walked over twenty miles. 
 
 But as I left the village, I was joined by a 
 gentleman of obliging manners but somewhat 
 unkempt appearance, who invited me to turn 
 aside and visit the old jet caves, which had once 
 been famous in this locality, though long since 
 disused. 
 
 For anything but a cave, I should have done 
 my best to shake him off, but I have a great 
 love of caves, especially of those which go 
 
 7 
 
 523514 
 
8 UPSIDONIA 
 
 mysteriously back into the bowels of the earth, 
 and no one knows their ending. They are full 
 of romance, and call up all sorts of delightful 
 visions. From Eastern tales of magic and 
 treasure to brisk tales of smugglers, the entrance 
 to a cave has always been the entrance to regions 
 of mystery, in which anything may happen. 
 So I immediately accepted the invitation to 
 visit these caves, which were only a few hundred 
 yards away from the main road. 
 
 At first sight they were a trifle disappointing. 
 There were three of them, at the foot of a high 
 bank of shale, almost hidden by trees and shrubs. 
 The shale had nearly closed the entrances, 
 and one looked over a bank of it, which left 
 a hole hardly more than big enough to creep 
 through. Still, they were undoubtedly caves, 
 and not mere holes in the hillside. The largest 
 one was full of water, and little ferns grew 
 luxuriantly on the sides and roof, which dripped 
 continuously. One of the others was choked 
 by a fall of earth a little way from the entrance, 
 and my guide told me that this had happened 
 quite recently, after a very wet spell. The 
 third was comparatively dry, and he said that 
 he had himself penetrated more than a mile 
 into it, with no signs of its ending. 
 
 Whether this was true or not, I could not 
 resist trying it. I had an electric torch, fully 
 
UPSIDONIA 9 
 
 charged, in my pack, and it was a great chance 
 to have a cave to explore with it. My friend 
 demurred a little at accompanying me. He said 
 that if the other cave had fallen in, after so many 
 years, this one was not unlikely to fall in now 
 at any time, and we should find ourselves in an 
 awkward fix if it should fall in while we were 
 exploring, and cut off our retreat. I had no 
 wish for his company, and did not press him ; 
 but when I got out the torch, and flashed it, he 
 thought he would come after all. I think 
 he had at heart the same sort of feeling about 
 caves and electric torches that I had. 
 
 We got over the mound on to the muddy 
 floor of the cave. The roof was high enough 
 to enable us to walk upright, and we went 
 forward singly, straight ahead into the dark- 
 ness. 
 
 We had got in perhaps thirty or forty yards, 
 and I had just switched on the torch, when a 
 stone or something fell in front of us with a noisy 
 plump. My companion clutched me by the 
 arm. " I believe there's going to be a fall," 
 he said. 
 
 I shook him off and continued, and again 
 something fell, that made still more noise. 
 " Come back ! " he shouted. " Come back ! " 
 
 I turned round to see him running towards 
 the patch of sunlight, and then there was a 
 
10 UPSIDONIA 
 
 load roar in my ears, which, however, instantly 
 became dead silence. 
 
 For a moment I was confused, but went on, 
 forgetting all about my late companion. When 
 I turned round again he had disappeared, 
 and the patch of sunlight also. So I continued 
 on my way, and seemed to be always mounting 
 upwards, with the ground quite dry, and the 
 roof of the cave still some way above my head. 
 
 I had certainly now walked a mile when, 
 to my surprise, I saw a point of light in front 
 of me, which increased as I approached it, and 
 presently showed itself as a wide opening. 
 
 I came out into a place much like that at 
 which I had entered, except that it was still 
 more masked by shrubs, and found myself in 
 the clearing of a wood. It seemed to me that 
 I had come quite straight along the underground 
 passage, so that I must be on the way in which 
 I intended to go. The cave, as a cave, had 
 been disappointing, and there was nothing 
 to be gained by going back. I would take 
 my nap, and then find the road again. 
 
 I looked about for a place to lie down in, 
 and as I did so saw a very ragged dirty man 
 coming towards me. 
 
 I was rather annoyed at this. Having shaken 
 ofT one uninvited companion, I did not want 
 to be troubled with another. 
 
UPSIDONIA 11 
 
 There was something rather striking about 
 his face, in spite of his unkempt hair and beard 
 — a look of self-possession, even of pride, and, 
 as he kept his eyes on me approaching him, 
 almost of arrogance. 
 
 However, he was poor enough, to all appear- 
 ances, and I thought that if I gave him some 
 money he would probably want to go away 
 at once and spend it. So I accosted him cheer- 
 fully and offered him a sixpence. 
 
 I had made no mistake about his arrogance. 
 He drew himself up, and his eyes flashed at 
 me. 
 
 " How dare you ? " he began. " I will " ; 
 
 and he looked round as if to summon someone 
 to aid him in resenting an insult. 
 
 " Oh, all right," I said, pocketing the coin ; 
 
 " if you are as proud as all that ! But I 
 
 meant no harm, and I'm almost as poor as you 
 are." 
 
 " The more shame to you for behaving like 
 that," he said hotly. " I could forgive it, 
 perhaps, in one who was richer. I will not 
 take your money ; and if you use your superior 
 strength to force it on me, I warn you that you 
 will not hear the last of it." 
 
 I felt sorry for the poor creature. I took 
 the sixpence out of my pocket again, and held 
 it out to him." 
 
12 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " Come now, take it," I said. " Go and 
 get yourself a good meal, or a drink if you like. 
 You look as if it wouldn't do you any harm." 
 
 He was still more enraged. " You impudent 
 scoundrel ! " he cried. " I'll have you arrested 
 for this." And he stalked of! with his head 
 in the air, wrapping his rags around him. 
 
 He looked such an absurd figure that I sent 
 an involuntary laugh after him, which caused 
 him to turn round and shake his fist at me. 
 1 had not meant him to hear, for I was sorry for 
 him ; but I reflected before I had chosen my 
 mossy resting-place under a spreading oak, that 
 with so great a contempt for money and what 
 money represented in the way of bodily comfort, 
 he was not so much in want of pity as he seemed 
 to be. Then I took off my knapsack, and pillow- 
 ing my head upon it was soon in a deep sleep. 
 
 As, after a long time, I began to regain con- 
 sciousness, I became aware of a touch on my 
 body about the region of my waist. It could 
 only have been a second or two before the 
 actuality disengaged itself from the stuff of my 
 dreams, and I suddenly awoke, and sprang 
 up into a sitting posture, to see a figure dis- 
 appearing among the trees. Feeling in my 
 waistcoat pocket, I found that my watch had 
 disappeared. 
 
 I jumped up, and seizing my knapsack in 
 
UPSIDONIA 13 
 
 one hand and my stout walking stick in the 
 other, gave chase. 
 
 I had not very far to go. When I got round 
 the tree behind which the thief had disappeared, 
 I saw to my surprise that he was an elderly, 
 if not an old man, dressed in a frock coat and 
 a tall hat. He was stout, and appeared to be 
 grossly fed, for as I came up to him he turned 
 and put up his hands to warn me off — my watch 
 was in one of them ; but he was so winded by 
 his few yards' run that he was not able to speak. 
 In his mouth was a large and expensive-smelling 
 cigar, and he formed the oddest figure of a 
 watch-snatcher that could well be imagined. 
 
 I seized my watch out of his hand, and he 
 found breath enough to bleat out : " What 
 are you doing ? They're after you. Give me 
 all your money quickly, before they come." 
 
 " You old rascal ! " I cried, and was going 
 on to give him a piece of my mind, when my 
 attention was distracted by a hullabaloo from 
 the road, which was only a few yards off, and 
 from which we could be plainly seen. 
 
 " There's the rascal ! That's him ! " I heard 
 shouted, and saw a considerable concourse of 
 people advancing towards me, headed by a 
 policeman, and the ragged man to whom I had 
 tendered the coin. 
 
 The presence of a policeman in that, as I had 
 
14 UPSIDONIA 
 
 thought, lonely spot, was a better piece of fortune 
 than I could have hoped for. " Yes, here he is," 
 I said. " He stole my watch while I was asleep, 
 and ran of! with it. Constable, I give him in 
 charge." 
 
 The policeman had leapt the ditch which 
 divided the wood from the road, and now came 
 straight towards me with a look of determination 
 on his face. 
 
 " Take him ! " shouted the ragged man ; and, 
 to my utter astonishment, he seized me by the 
 collar, and said : " Now you come along with 
 me quietly, or it will be the worse for you." 
 
 I shook him off roughly. I was young and 
 strong, and he was neither. 
 
 " What are you doing ? '" 1 asked angrily. 
 " Here's the thief ! Take hold of him." 
 
 The fat man turned away with a shrug of the 
 shoulders. " I wash my hands of it," he said. 
 " You can do what you like with him." 
 
 I was so infuriated with his impudence that 
 I made a dash for him. But the policeman 
 was on me again, and with him several others 
 from the crowd. In spite of my struggles I was 
 soon overpowered. 
 
 " Are you all mad ? " I cried. " There's 
 the thief ! Why don't you take him ? I've 
 done nothing." 
 
 They paid not the slightest attention to my 
 
UPSIDONIA 15 
 
 protestations. The ragged man had taken no 
 part in my capture, but stood aside, and directed 
 the others with an air of authority. This was 
 the more remarkable, because the greater part 
 of them were not like the ordinary crowd that 
 follows the police on an errand of duty, but were 
 well-dressed, and had all the air of being well- 
 to-do or even rich. 
 
 I appealed to them. " Do give a fellow a 
 chance," I said. " Fm on a walking-tour, and 
 I dare say I look like a tramp. But Fm quite 
 respectable." 
 
 They cut me short by dragging me towards 
 the road, where a smart Victoria was standing, 
 at a point towards which other carriages were 
 now driving. 
 
 The policeman said : " You're charged with 
 trying to force money on this gentleman ; and 
 I warn you that anything you now say will be 
 used in evidence against you." 
 
 I saw it was no use protesting further. I was 
 either asleep and dreaming, in which case I 
 should presently awake ; or I was in the hands 
 of a set of lunatics, and must wait until I got 
 again into the company of sensible men. 
 
 But it annoyed me to see the smug old thief 
 retiring with all the honours of war, while I was 
 being led off in ignominious captivity. He was 
 actually now stepping into the Victoria, and 
 
16 UPSIDONIA 
 
 the cockaded coachman on the box was touching 
 his hat to him. 
 
 " I warn you that you will be sorry for this," 
 I said to my captors. " But, at any rate, take 
 that man too. I tell you that he stole my 
 watch, and wanted to take all my money before 
 you came up." 
 
 They took no notice of this appeal, except 
 that one of two ill-dressed men amongst the 
 well-dressed ones said to the other : " Old Perry 
 is really rather overdoing it. He'll be had up 
 for tampering with justice if he's not careful." 
 
 " Then why don't you get him taken up 
 now ? " I asked. 
 
 But they looked at me coldly and turned 
 away. 
 
 "Mr. Perry," said the ragged man, "this is a 
 dangerous criminal. Will you let the constable 
 drive him to the police station, and walk back 
 with us ? " 
 
 The old humbug of whom this remarkable 
 request was made turned up a sanctimonious 
 face, and replied : " I am in my proper place 
 amongst the low and degraded. Let the prisoner 
 drive with me." 
 
 There were murmurs of astonishment at this, 
 and one of the poor- looking men said to my 
 ragged one : " Oh, let him alone ! He'll get 
 tired of it by and by." 
 
UPSIDONIA 17 
 
 I was then ordered into the carriage, and we 
 drove off at a foot's pace, the other carriages 
 turning back to accompany us, and the crowd 
 walking behind and on either side. 
 
 I was surprised to see that the country was 
 very different from what I had imagined it to 
 be when I had come through the cave. Before 
 that, as I have said, there had been few signs 
 of human habitation ; but now I had suddenly 
 come into a populous country-side, and seemed 
 to be not far from a town of some size. 
 
 For we were passing large houses in large 
 gardens, villas, and cottages ; and the road, 
 which had been of the roughest, was wide and 
 smooth, and there was a good deal of traffic 
 on it. 
 
 I could not make out in the least where I 
 had come to. I had known that I could not be 
 many miles off the village of Eppington, but 
 could think of no considerable town within a 
 radius of fifty miles of where I had spent the 
 night ; and I knew I could not have walked 
 that distance. I might have put a question 
 to my companion ; but I was so annoyed that 
 I could not bring myself to address him. 
 
 It was he who first addressed me. He was 
 still ostentatiously smoking his rich cigar, and 
 looked at me out of a bilious, but impudently 
 benevolent eye, and said : " Young man, I 
 
 B 
 
18 UPSIDONIA 
 
 would have saved you if I could. I think you 
 must now be convinced of that. It may be 
 that in the exercise of my charity I have over- 
 stepped the mark, and have done wrong. It 
 now only remains for you to show your gratitude 
 by keeping what has passed to yourself. If a 
 charge is brought against me, I look to you to 
 shield my good name, or my sphere of influence 
 may be much diminished." 
 
 My reply to this preposterous piece of cant 
 was a somewhat violent assurance that I should 
 see that he got the punishment he deserved. 
 He held up his fat hands in pained astonish- 
 ment, and thereafter kept silence. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 By and by we came to a tramway terminus, 
 where an electric car was standing. The police- 
 man, who had been walking by the side of 
 the carriage, the ragged man, and many of 
 our other followers, jumped on to it. The fat 
 rascal in whose carriage I was seated ordered 
 the coachman to drive on faster, and I was 
 not sorry to be relieved of most of our escort. 
 But the other carriages, of which there were 
 perhaps half a dozen, and some of them very 
 splendid equipages indeed, continued with us, 
 and my appearance was still rather more public 
 than I could have wished. 
 
 We presently passed into a busy street of 
 shops. I could not for the life of me imagine 
 what town it was that I had come to. It was 
 evidently a place of considerable importance 
 and a large population, which crowded the 
 streets, and frequently jeered at our little pro- 
 cession. 
 
 Everything around me seemed usual. The 
 shops and buildings were like those of any other 
 large town, and the people much the same — a 
 mixture of old and young, rich and poor. 
 
 19 
 
20 UPSIDONIA 
 
 But there was just one thing that struck me 
 as a little strange. The poor people — even 
 the very poorest, like the man at whose hands 
 I had been so remarkably arrested — walked 
 amongst the rest with an air far more assured 
 than was customary ; and the well-dressed 
 people seemed to have rather a hang-dog sort 
 of look. I might not have noticed this but 
 for the predicament in which 1 found myself ; 
 but my attention being fixed upon the point 
 it was impossible to ignore it. 
 
 We drew up at the door of a police station, 
 and I was taken inside, where I lost no time in 
 making a somewhat violent protest to the ser- 
 geant in charge, and again invited him to take 
 the preposterous Mr. Perry into custody. 
 
 As before, not the smallest notice was taken 
 of my indignant speech. I was told sharply 
 to hold my tongue, and the charge against me 
 was repeated in the same ridiculous form in 
 which it had first been made, and entered in 
 the sergeant's ledger. The ragged man ap- 
 peared before the formalities were concluded, 
 and, to my now painful bewilderment, was 
 treated with marked respect by the police, 
 whom he addressed with calm authority. His 
 name was entered as my accuser, and, upon the 
 charge being read over to me, I discovered 
 him to be " Lord Potter." 
 
UPSIDONIA 21 
 
 Well, if he was really a nobleman in disguise, 
 that perhaps accounted for the absurd sub- 
 serviency with which he was treated. But 
 the disguise was so complete that my indignation 
 was redoubled, and I made one more very strong 
 protest before I was led away. 
 
 " What place is this ? " I asked, when I saw 
 that no more notice was going to be taken of 
 my protest than before. 
 
 Lord Potter stared at me with high disdain 
 on his dirty face, and Mr. Perry with a most 
 irritating air of grieved sympathy. 
 
 " Perhaps," I said, " I can find someone 
 I know, who will come to my assistance. I 
 don't know in the least what town I am in." 
 
 " Come along," said the constable who had 
 arrested me. " You'll only make it worse 
 by being impudent. You know well enough 
 what place you're in. Now are you coming 
 quietly, or shall I have to take you ? ' : 
 
 I thought it best to go quietly. I was taken 
 through a door opposite to the one by which 
 we had entered, and rather to my surprise found 
 myself in a carpeted passage. We passed several 
 other doors on either side, until we came to one 
 which the policeman unlocked. 
 
 " By the look of your clothes," he said, as 
 he fumbled with the key, " you ought to be 
 better treated ; but we're pretty full up, and 
 
22 UPSIDONIA 
 
 you'll only be here till to-morrow morning. 
 You must make the best of it. Here, take 
 this." 
 
 He pushed half-a-crown into my hand, and 
 me through the door, which he immediately 
 shut and locked after me, leaving me for the 
 first time in my life in a prison cell. 
 
 My surprise, at the extraordinary action of 
 a policeman in pressing a tip upon a prisoner, 
 was overcome by the fierce anger I felt at being 
 locked up in a pitch dark cell, which could not 
 have been more than five or six feet square ; 
 for as I put out my hands I found I could touch 
 the walls on all sides. What mad piece of in- 
 humanity was this, to add to the burlesque 
 charge on which I was to be tried ? There 
 was not even a stool to sit down on. Was I 
 really to be confined in this dark hole until I 
 could be taken before a magistrate on the 
 following morning ? I turned, and banged and 
 kicked on the door in uncontrollable rage, and 
 shouted at the top of my voice. 
 
 But there was no answer, and presently I 
 desisted, determined to make the best of my 
 situation. 
 
 I began to feel round the walls, and imme- 
 diately came to a little obstacle, which with an 
 immense lift of relief I recognized as an electric 
 switch. I turned it, and the place was flooded 
 
UPSIDONIA 23 
 
 with light. Then I discovered that I was not 
 in a cell at all, but in a little lobby, in all four 
 walls of which were doors. 
 
 I opened one, and found a deep cupboard, 
 with hooks in it, but nothing else. I shut it 
 and opened the next, and found myself on 
 the threshold of a small but comfortably furn- 
 ished parlour. 
 
 Opposite to the door was a window looking 
 on to a strip of garden gay with flowers ; but 
 the window, which was of ordinary size, was 
 guarded by thick iron bars. It was this fact 
 that brought it home to me that, incredible as it 
 might appear, this room, with a comfortable 
 armchair by the window, with books on a shelf, 
 and pictures on the prettily papered walls, 
 was my prison-cell, and not the narrow lobby 
 into which I had first come. 
 
 The third door in the lobby led into a well- 
 appointed bathroom, and leading out of the 
 parlour was a little bedroom, with the sheets 
 turned down on the bed, and a suit of pink 
 pyjamas laid out all ready for its occupant. 
 
 It may be imagined that all this, following 
 on what had already happened, puzzled me 
 not a little ; but since this convenient little 
 self-contained flat was mine to make myself 
 at home in until the following morning, I could, 
 at any rate, take advantage of its amenities. 
 
24 UPSIDONIA 
 
 I was dusty and footsore, and very glad of 
 a hot bath. As I lay steaming in it, I recalled 
 the words of the policeman, before he had pressed 
 the half-crown into my hand and shut me into 
 the lobby : " By the look of your clothes ycu 
 ought to be better treated." 
 
 Well, as for my clothes, they had certainly 
 been made by a good tailor, but they were of 
 well-nigh immemorial age, and were covered 
 with dust and travel-stains. I wore also an 
 aged green hat of soft felt, and a flannel shirt 
 with a low collar and a whisp of an old tie ; 
 and my boots, white with dust, were an easy 
 but unlovely pair that I kept for these expedi- 
 tions. No, my clothes could not possibly have 
 indicated any exalted station in life, nor even 
 the moderate degree of gentility that was mine 
 by birth and education. The man must have 
 been sneering at me. 
 
 But then, what could he have meant by re- 
 ferring to better treatment ? I was lodged 
 like a coronation guest. Was it the habit of 
 the authorities of this extraordinary town, 
 whose identity puzzled me more and more, to 
 house their prisoners like potentates, since my 
 quarters were considered only fit to be apologized 
 for ? I could only give up the problem, and 
 wait for what should happen next. 
 
 When I had had my bath, brushed the dust 
 
UPSIDONIA 25 
 
 off my clothes, and put on a clean shirt and 
 clean socks out of my pack, I began to feel 
 hungry ; and such was the effect upon me of 
 my surroundings that I looked around me, 
 almost without intention, for a bell. There 
 was one by the mantelpiece, which I rang, and 
 then waited with some curiosity for what should 
 happen. 
 
 Within a very short time I heard the outer 
 door being opened, and there came into the 
 room a waiter with a napkin over his shoulder. 
 Except that his clothes were seedy, and his 
 shirt front rather crumpled, he had the appear- 
 ance of a servant at a would-be smart restaurant, 
 ready to do what was wanted of him, but having 
 no very high opinion of the person from whom 
 he received his orders. However, he seemed 
 to have anticipated my wants, for without 
 a word he held out to me a bill of fare, and I 
 accepted it with equal unconcern and looked 
 over it. 
 
 It was of a fairly elaborate description, and 
 as a precautionary measure, before making 
 any selection, I said : " I suppose I don't have 
 to pay for any of this ? " 
 
 His lip curled as he replied : " Of course not. 
 Choose whatever you like and put a tick against 
 it." 
 
 Thus encouraged, I ordered a nice little dinner 
 
26 UPSIDONIA 
 
 of clear soup, truite-au-bleu, lamb cutlets with 
 new potatoes, a slice of ham with madeira sauce 
 and spinach, a peche Melba, angels on horse- 
 back, and some strawberries to finish up with. 
 He took the order without flinching, and asked : 
 " Do you want any wine ? " 
 
 " Well, yes," I said, " if there's nothing to 
 pay for it." 
 
 He flushed angrily. I don't want any of 
 your impudence," he said. " You will pay nothing 
 at all for anything you have as long as you are 
 here, and if you are not very careful you will 
 be here a good deal longer than you bargain 
 for." 
 
 " I don't know that I should altogether object 
 to that," I said, and took the wine list from him. 
 
 It was an excellent list, and under the cir- 
 cumstances I made excellent use of it. I allowed 
 myself a glass of white Tokay, and another of 
 Chateau d'Yquem, a pint of Pommery, 1900, 
 and a bottle of '68 port to sit with later on. 
 He looked more contemptuous than ever as he 
 took the order, and asked disdainfully : " Don't 
 you want a liqueur with your coffee ? " 
 
 " I had forgotten that for the moment," I 
 said. " Have you any very old brandy ? " 
 
 " We have some eighteen-fifteen," he said ; 
 " but I need scarcely say we are very seldom 
 asked for it." 
 
UPSIDONIA 27 
 
 " Well, on the terms that you have indicated, 
 you are asked for it now," I said. " And I 
 should like one or two really good cigars, fairly 
 strong — something like the one that Mr. Perry 
 was smoking this afternoon, if you can get 
 them." 
 
 He went out of the room without a word, 
 and carefully locked the outer door behind him. 
 However inexplicable my treatment, I was 
 not, at any rate, to forget that I was a 
 prisoner. 
 
 Tired with my long walk, and the somewhat 
 disturbing experiences I had been through, 
 I fell fast asleep in the easy chair by the open 
 window, through which came sweet wafts from 
 a patch of night-scented stock in the garden 
 outside. 
 
 I only awoke when the waiter brought in the 
 first course of my dinner. He had laid the table 
 without disturbing me, and had put a vase 
 of roses in the middle and four tall candles at 
 the corners, with rose-coloured shades. 
 
 "I'm sorry I haven't brought my evening 
 clothes," I said, as I took my seat. 
 
 He made no reply to this pleasantry, and his 
 air of high superiority began to annoy me. 
 
 " Do you generally wait upon prisoners in 
 this way ? '" I asked him, when he brought 
 in the fish. 
 
28 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " We do in the case of prisoners who look 
 like gentlemen and behave like pigs," was his 
 surprising reply, which I turned over in my 
 mind before I said : " This seems a topsy-turvy 
 place altogether, but I should really like to know 
 how I have behaved like a pig." 
 
 " You can wallow in your hoggishness as 
 much as you like," he said acidly, " but if you 
 have the impudence to address any more remarks 
 to me, I'll punch your head for you." 
 
 I looked round at him, standing attentively 
 behind my chair. He was a frail man, and 
 looked hungry. 
 
 " You might find that two could play at that 
 game," I said, with my eye on him ; and he 
 flushed, but did not flinch. 
 
 " Is that a threat ? " he asked. " Because 
 
 if it is ; " and he turned as if to leave the 
 
 room. 
 
 As I didn't know what, in the general reversal 
 of things, might be the punishment here for 
 threatening to retaliate on a waiter who pro- 
 posed to punch one's head, and I wanted to 
 finish my dinner, I said : " If you're disinclined 
 for conversation you can have your own way." 
 
 We went through the rest of the menu in 
 silence, I enjoying the good things provided 
 for me, and he serving me with the readiest 
 attention to the matter in hand. We did not 
 
UPSIDONIA 29 
 
 address another word to each other until he 
 had carefully poured out from its basket-cradle 
 a glass of the wonderful port. 
 
 I sipped it, and thought it just in the very 
 least touched, and told him so. He took the 
 glass, sniffed at the wine, and tasted it. " It's 
 absolutely right," he said, " but of course 
 you can have another bottle if you like." 
 
 " Thank you," I said, and began to wonder, 
 rather uneasily, as he was away fetching it, 
 if in some way I was not to pay pretty dearly 
 for the remarkable treatment I was undergoing. 
 
 The second bottle of port was beyond criticism. 
 When I had expressed my approval, the waiter 
 put it on a little table by the side of the ex- 
 tremely easy chair, and indicated, but without 
 saying so, that he wished to clear away. 
 This he did, in complete silence ; but before he 
 finally left the room came over to where I was 
 standing, and, holding out half a sovereign, 
 said, still with the same inflection of contempt : 
 " That's for yourself." 
 
 I took the coin in my hand, and said, somewhat 
 after the manner of a cabman who has been 
 offered twopence for a pour boire : " What do 
 you call this ? " 
 
 He flushed again, took it back, gave me half-a- 
 crown instead, and then left the room. 
 
 My evening in prison had so far brought me a 
 
30 UPS1DONIA 
 
 dinner such as I seldom enjoyed, and five shillings 
 in money. Why, but for my last question, it 
 would have brought me seven and sixpence more, 
 I was quite unable to imagine. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 The cigars provided for me, if not of the exact 
 brand as those smoked by Mr. Perry, were very 
 good, and I had been enjoying one of them for 
 some little time when I heard the outside door 
 again being unlocked. 
 
 " Now," I thought, " I may get some ex- 
 planation of this extraordinary state of affairs, 
 and may possibly find myself wishing that my 
 entertainment had not cost the ratepayers of 
 this town quite so much money." 
 
 But I was in a state of such complete bodily 
 satisfaction that I did not much care what should 
 happen, and sat still until the door of my room 
 was opened and a young man dressed in 
 evening clothes came in. 
 
 He seemed to be under the influence of some 
 agitation, and as the reek of my cigar met his 
 nostrils, and his eyes fell upon my bottle of 
 port resting in its cradle, his jaw dropped. 
 
 He raised his eyes to mine, and said : " I have 
 come to make an appeal to you, sir." 
 
 " Well, sit down and make it," I said, indi- 
 cating a chair. " Will you have a glass of 
 wine — I can recommend it — or a cigar ? " 
 
 31 
 
32 UPIS1D0N1A 
 
 He looked at me sternly. " 1 have brought 
 myself to come and ask a favour of you," he 
 said. " You look like a gentleman ; you can 
 at least try to behave as such." 
 
 I was in that comfortable state in which 
 the idiosyncrasies of other people occasion one 
 more amusement than surprise. I was also a 
 little inclined to loquacity. I smiled at 
 him. 
 
 " I don't pretend to understand you," I said ; 
 " but I am glad you think I look like a gentleman. 
 I am one. My great-grandfather ruined himself 
 at Crockford's, and although one of my great- 
 uncles set up a shop, he never sold anything, 
 and died poor. I am poor myself, but none the 
 less deserving." 
 
 His face brightened a little. " I thought you 
 were a gentleman," he said, " in spite of your 
 behaviour. So am I, and of course my father 
 too, although you might not think it from our 
 appearance. Possibly you are engaged in the 
 same good work as we are." 
 
 " I am not engaged in any good work at 
 present," I said, " except that of making myself 
 as comfortable as circumstances will permit. 
 As for you, I think you look very gentlemanlike ; 
 I don't think I have had the pleasure of meeting 
 your father." 
 
 " He is Mr. Perrv," he said, " who tried his 
 
UPSIDONIA 33 
 
 utmost to save you from the results of your jest 
 — I don't believe it meant more than that — 
 with Lord Potter. As far as my father was 
 concerned it was an unfortunate jest ; and I 
 might say the same as far as you are concerned, 
 to judge from your present serious situation. 
 In spite of his noble and self-sacrificing life, 
 my father is misunderstood by a good many 
 people ; and Lord Potter, for one, would like 
 to see his career of usefulness stopped. Now 
 he has a handle against him. He is to be called 
 as a witness when you come up before the 
 magistrate to-morrow morning ; and it rests 
 with you whether that kind and good old man, 
 whose life is a lesson to us all, shall be arrested 
 himself and suffer the disgrace of a criminal 
 trial. Surely you cannot be so lost to all sense 
 of gratitude as to bring that about ! " 
 
 I did not know in the least what he was talking 
 about. His ideas seemed to be as topsy turvy 
 as those of the rest of the people I had so far 
 met in this curious place. But I was in too lazy 
 a mood to make much effort to get at the bottom 
 of all that was puzzling me. 
 
 " I should hate to get your father into trou- 
 ble," I said. " I don't understand why a 
 prosperous-looking elderly gentleman should 
 pinch my watch and demand all my cash ; but 
 I dare say he did it all for the best, and as he 
 
 c 
 
34 UPSIDONIA 
 
 didn't get anything, I am prepared to be lenient 
 with him. I'll do what I can." 
 
 He thanked me profusely. " You have only 
 to stand on your dignity and refuse to answer 
 questions, and they can prove nothing against 
 him," he said. 
 
 " All right ! Anything to oblige. You might 
 tell me what all this means, though ; and to 
 begin with, what town this is ; for I haven't 
 the slightest idea where I am." 
 
 At this quite ordinary question, he seemed 
 to be even more puzzled than I was. " I can't 
 understand you," he said, and it was plain by the 
 expression on his face that he spoke the truth. 
 " Where do you come from ? " 
 
 " I come from a little place called London," I 
 said. " I don't know whether you have ever 
 heard of it." 
 
 " No, never," he replied. " What part of the 
 country is it in ? " 
 
 " Do you ever happen to have heard of Eng- 
 land I" I asked ; and again he said : " No, 
 never." 
 
 " Well, what country are we in now ? " I 
 asked, willing to humour him. 
 
 " Why, in Upsidonia, of course." 
 
 " In what ? " 
 
 " Upsidonia. Look here, I'm not what I 
 seem to be. Surely you can tell that from the 
 
UPSIDONIA 35 
 
 way I speak! Stop trying to play with me, 
 and explain yourself.'* 
 
 " Tell me first what town this is." 
 
 " Culbut." 
 
 He said it in much the same tone as I might 
 have answered " Manchester " or " Birming- 
 ham," to anyone who should have asked me the 
 same question in either of those cities — with a 
 look of surprise and enquiry. 
 
 "Oh, Culbut!" I said. "Yes, of course. 
 And Culbut is in Upsidonia. I see. Well, in 
 London, England, where I come from, they 
 don't lock a person up for offering sixpence to 
 a tramp, even when the tramp turns out to be 
 a lord ; and if they do lock them up, it isn't 
 in a place like this." 
 
 He looked round the cosy little room with 
 some disgust. 
 
 "It is disgraceful," he said. " My father 
 ought to know about it. I didn't know there 
 were any such places left. You've a perfect right 
 to make trouble about this. It is a clear case 
 for the Prisoners' Aid Society, and I'm sure, if 
 you act properly, as you promised to, for my 
 father, he will take up the case." 
 
 " Thanks very much," I said. " I have no 
 particular complaint to make. The manners 
 and customs of — what's the name of the place ? 
 — Culbut— are different from those I've been 
 
36 UPSIDONIA 
 
 accustomed to, but they don't seem to be entirely 
 objectionable. Can you tell me what they will 
 do, by the by, supposing I am found guilty of 
 the charge brought against me — whatever it is — 
 to-morrow ? " 
 
 " Oh, we'll try and get you oft. Your ap- 
 pearance is in your favour." 
 
 " Thank you. But tell me what they will do 
 if I am found guilty." 
 
 " Well, there has been a good deal of it lately, 
 and the police are determined to stamp it out. 
 And Potter is rather high game to fly at, you 
 must admit. He is determined to get you a 
 month, which is the limit without bodily as- 
 sault." 
 
 " Oh, a month ! " I said, somewhat taken 
 aback. " With hard labour ? " 
 
 " I think we ought to be able to manage that. 
 We'll try our best." 
 
 " That is very good of you indeed ; but I 
 shouldn't like you to put yourselves out at all." 
 
 " I'll tell you what," he said, with a laugh, 
 " we will tell them that in the country you come 
 from it isn't a crime to give your money away. 
 Could you remember to stick to that story ? " 
 
 " I dare say I might," I said, " if I tie a knot 
 in my handkerchief. By the way, isn't it a 
 crime here to take money from people, and 
 watches, and so on ? " 
 
UPSIDONIA 37 
 
 " A crime ! Of course not. We should call 
 that philanthropy." 
 
 " Oh, I see. Then your father is a phil- 
 anthropist." 
 
 " Of course he is ; one of the best known in 
 Culbut. You don't really suppose he is the rich 
 man he appears to be, do you 1 " 
 
 " I should have thought he might be fairly 
 well of!, if he has been practising philanthropy 
 for any length of time." 
 
 " For a life-time," he said, reverentially. 
 " I will tell you my father's story." 
 
 " Do ! " I encouraged him. " I should like 
 to hear it." 
 
 I lit another cigar. He cleared his throat 
 and began. 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 " Our family/' said young Perry, " has held a 
 good position in Culbut for many generations. 
 My great-grandfather is said to have come here 
 as a boy with ten thousand pounds in his pocket ; 
 but by diligence and sobriety he managed to get 
 rid of nearly all of it while he was still a young 
 man." 
 
 " How did he do it V ' I asked. 
 
 " He got into the warehouse of a poor cloth- 
 merchant. He stuck to his work night and day, 
 and lost his employers so much money, that they 
 took him into partnership when he was only 
 twenty-one. Then he redoubled his efforts, 
 bought in the dearest markets and sold in the 
 cheapest, and decreased the trade of the firm by 
 leaps and bounds. He married his master's 
 daughter, and she brought him a considerable 
 number of debts. Before he was thirty he had 
 retired from business a very poor man, and spent 
 the rest of his life serving his fellow citizens. 
 He was Lord Mayor of Culbut three times, and 
 was offered a baronetcy, which he refused. 
 
 " My great-grandfather and my grandfather 
 were both poor men, and my father was brought 
 
 38 
 
UPSIDONIA 39 
 
 up in the lap of indigence. But when he was 
 quite a boy, he saw a sight that affected his whole 
 life. 
 
 " He was walking along the poor street in 
 which he lived, when he saw a carriage with four 
 horses and postillions coming along. In it was 
 seated a miserably rich-looking old man swathed 
 in furs, who was being taken off to prison. My 
 father hung on to the back of the carriage — 
 he was but a child — and was carried inside the 
 prison gates. There he saw the treatment that 
 was then considered good enough for rich male- 
 factors. They drove through a large garden 
 to a fine-looking house, and when the carriage 
 stopped at the door a groom of the chambers 
 came out, followed by two footmen in powdered 
 wigs and silk stockings. The wretched creature 
 was taken inside, and before he went away 
 my father learnt that he would be treated with 
 every refinement of luxury. And what do you 
 think his crime was ? " 
 
 " I haven't the least idea," I replied. " Pro- 
 bably making somebody a present of a fortune." 
 
 " No. His crime was that he had thrown 
 a pot of caviare into a provision shop." 
 
 " And you're not allowed to do that here ? " 
 
 " You must remember that he was an old man, 
 in the last stages of opulence, and actually sur- 
 feited with food. As my father went back to 
 
40 UPSIDONJA 
 
 his happy home, which had always lacked all 
 but the barest necessities of life, the contrast 
 between his lot and that of this unfortunate 
 creature, bred from his earliest years to the bur- 
 dens of wealth, took strong hold of his youthful 
 imagination. Then and there he vowed his 
 life to the service of the unhappy rich, and es- 
 pecially to the alleviation of the lot of prisoners ; 
 and nothing ever turned him from his purpose. 
 When he grew up, he left home, much against 
 the wishes of his parents, and went to live in 
 one of the richest parts of the town, so as to 
 get to know the wealthy thoroughly, and to be 
 able to help them when the time came for him 
 to do so. He even took their money, and, 
 so far as a man of education could, became like 
 them. Of course, there are many who follow 
 in his footsteps now, but most of them live in 
 settlements, and only come into actual contact 
 with the people they are trying to help by going 
 in and out amongst them in their own homes. 
 But he was the first ; and he really lived with 
 them, in a house with twenty bedrooms, luxur- 
 iously furnished, and with a chef and a great 
 many servants. I believe he did actually noth- 
 ing for himself for two whole years, and, of 
 course, he broke down under the strain." 
 
 " Poor fellow ! " I murmured sympatheti- 
 cally. 
 
UPSIDONIA 41 
 
 " He went back for a time to the life of poverty 
 in which he had been brought up. But even 
 then, he refused to live like the rest of his family, 
 and, as far as his enfeebled state of health would 
 permit, practised secret indulgences, and never 
 lost sight of his great purpose in life. 
 
 " He made a convert of my mother, who 
 was the daughter of a farm-labourer, and of one 
 of the proudest and poorest families in Upsidonia. 
 They started their married life in a comfortable 
 villa, with four indoor servants and two out — 
 my father could not, of course, expect his young 
 wife to take the extreme plunge that he had him- 
 self — and he has told me that she acted like a 
 heroine, and never grumbled at the life of strict 
 affluence they laid down for themselves. I was 
 born in that house, and it was my mother's 
 own wish that we then moved to a larger one, 
 where we have lived ever since. We have all 
 been brought up to think nothing of wealth, 
 and each of us in our several ways does his or 
 her utmost to help our parents in their noble 
 work. My eldest sister has even married a 
 stockbroker, and a very good fellow he is, and 
 it is wonderful how he has overcome the defects 
 of his upbringing. 
 
 " Well, I have been talking for a long time ; 
 but I wanted to show you how dreadful it would 
 be if a man like my father should suffer dis- 
 
42 UPSIDONIA 
 
 grace for committing an error which only arose 
 from his eager desire to serve one whom he saw 
 to be in an unfortunate position." 
 
 " Oh, you need not fear anything of that sort 
 after what you have told me," I assured him. 
 " I would rather go to prison myself — even such 
 a prison as I am in now — than that he should." 
 
 "It is very good of you indeed to say so," 
 he said gratefully. " But you need have no 
 fear of this sort of prison. My father would 
 exert his influence to have you sent to Pank- 
 hurst, where, chiefly by his efforts, everything 
 is as it should be, and a real attempt is made 
 to raise prisoners. Even in the first division, 
 you would be permitted to do something use- 
 ful, such as breaking stones, and you would not 
 be expected to eat more than two meals a day, 
 and those quite meagre ones." 
 
 M Well, to tell you the truth," I said, " one 
 of my hobbies is to study conditions of prison 
 life in the various countries I visit. I am very 
 glad to have had the opportunity of judging 
 for myself in this way, and though I don't want 
 to go to prison myself any longer, if it can be 
 avoided, you would be conferring a real benefit 
 upon me if you could get me sent to the most 
 luxurious penal establishment you possess, sup- 
 possing I am found guilty." 
 
 " Do you really mean that ? " he asked. 
 
UPSIDONIA 43 
 
 " Yes, I really do. I know it must seem odd 
 to you, but I am like that." 
 
 He rose and shook hands with me. " I can't 
 tell you how I admire your spirit," he said. 
 
 I drank half a glass of port and rose to still 
 greater heights of self-abnegation. I was anx- 
 ious to show myself worthy of his praise. " As 
 long as I remain in Upsidonia," I said, " I should 
 like to live entirely amongst the very rich, and 
 just as if I were rich myself. Could you manage 
 that for me, do you think, in return for what 
 I am going to do for your father ? " 
 
 He laughed. " If you really mean it," he 
 said, " there won't be the slightest difficulty. 
 And we are the right people to help you. They 
 might not show themselves as they really are 
 to a stranger, for they stick to one another won- 
 derfully, and the more respectable among them 
 hide their riches as much as possible. Some of 
 the tragedies of wealth one comes across are 
 heart-breaking. But I mustn't begin on that 
 subject, or I should never end. If you can see 
 your way to relieving a few of the rich in Culbut 
 of a little of their load of misery, you will be 
 doing a great work." 
 
 " I shall quite hope to be able to do that," 
 I said. " I might be able to take away a con- 
 siderable sum of money." 
 
 Again he shook hands with me, but his emotion 
 
44 UPSIDONIA 
 
 did not permit of much speech. " You will 
 have your reward," he said simply. 
 
 " I quite hope so," I replied. " What, must 
 you be going ? Are you sure you won't take 
 — I mean are you sure you are quite wrapped 
 up enough ? The night air is a little chilly." 
 
 " Thank you, I shall walk home," he said. 
 " Well, I am very much obliged to you for what 
 you have promised to do. We shan't forget 
 it, and anything we can do for you in return, 
 as long as you remain in Upsidonia, you may 
 be sure we shall do." 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 They seemed to keep early hours in Upsidonia.* 
 A cup of tea was brought to me at half-past 
 seven, and I was told that I must breakfast 
 not later than a quarter-past eight, for the 
 court sat at nine. 
 
 It was not unlike what a police court in Lon- 
 don might have been, but the magistrate sat 
 in his shirt-sleeves, for it was a hot day, and 
 wore corduroy trousers. There was a crowd 
 of well-dressed loafers at the back of the court, 
 and amongst them some richly attired women. 
 Lord Potter, looking as if he had not washed 
 or taken off his clothes since the day before, 
 occupied a seat on the bench. Mr. Perry and 
 his son were in the well of the court. 
 
 I gave my name, which I had withheld the 
 night before, as John Howard, but refused to 
 say where I came from or what my occupation 
 was. Apparently, this was not unusual, for 
 I was not pressed in any way.* 
 
 The policeman who had arrested me de- 
 posed that from information received he had 
 proceeded to a certain place and taken me 
 
 * See Notea. 
 
 45 
 
46 UPSIDONIA 
 
 into custody, not without difficulty, for I had 
 shown violence and had tried to get him to 
 arrest another person instead. 
 
 Asked whether he saw that person in that 
 eourt, he indicated Mr. Perry, who looked very 
 uncomfortable, and I said at once : " That 
 was all a mistake, your worship. 1 had been 
 fast asleep, and hardly knew what I was do- 
 ing. I mistook that gentleman for somebody 
 else." 
 
 My interruption rather scandalised the court, 
 but I managed to get it out before I was stopped, 
 and I could see that the magistrate was relieved 
 at my having spoken. 
 
 " There is no charge against our respected 
 fellow-townsman/' he said, bowing towards Mr. 
 Perry ; and there were murmurs of appro- 
 bation from the back of the court. 
 
 Lord Potter looked black. " The prisoner 
 accused him of taking away his watch," he said, 
 " and trying to get his money. Of course, if 
 nothing had been found on the prisoner the 
 charge would have fallen through. It is quite 
 evident that Mr. Perry wanted to make it 
 appear that I was lying when I said that this 
 man had tried to press money on me."* 
 
 He spoke with great indignation, but the 
 magistrate said firmly : " There is no charge 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 47 
 
 against Mr. Perry," and added : "He could 
 not have taken away the prisoner's watch, 
 because it was found on him when he came to 
 the police-station, and his money too. He 
 would hardly have taken it back, if someone 
 had been kind enough to relieve him of it, 
 would he ? " 
 
 This was said with a smile to Lord Potter, 
 who grunted angrily, but said no more until he 
 was asked to tell his story, which he did quite 
 truthfully, except that he gave the impression 
 of my having acted violently towards him, 
 and pressed money on him with threats. 
 
 Then I was asked if I had anything to say 
 in my defence. 
 
 I said that the whole episode had been an 
 ill-timed joke, which I now much regretted. 
 I cross-examined Lord Potter as to his impli- 
 cation of violence, and made him admit that I 
 had used none, and threatened none. 
 
 " And didn't I tell you I was almost as poor 
 as you were ? " I asked. 
 
 This he also admitted. I treated him 
 with somewhat exaggerated respect, and ended 
 up by saying that I acknowledged it was a 
 foolish prank to play on a man of his eminence, 
 and that, whatever the result of the charge, 
 I begged to apologise for it. This softened 
 him a little, though not much, but when the 
 
48 UPSIDONIA 
 
 magistrate and his clerk had conferred with 
 him in whispers, he seemed to give way, and 
 the magistrate then turned to me and ad- 
 dressed me thus : 
 
 " John Howard, although you have refused 
 to give any information about yourself, it is 
 evident from your general appearance that 
 you are a young man of good if not exalted station. 
 But you must not go away with the impres- 
 sion that there is one law for the poor and an- 
 other for the rich here. It is not on account 
 of your appearance of poverty that I shall deal 
 leniently with you. I believe that you have 
 committed this gross offence against a dis- 
 tinguished man out of mere youthful folly and 
 bravado, and you may consider yourself for- 
 tunate that I have decided not to send you 
 to prison for it. You have been confined for 
 the night in surroundings that have probably 
 caused you considerable distress, and I have 
 taken that into account. I shall fine you ten 
 pounds, with the option of a month's imprison- 
 ment, and let this be a lesson to you to leave 
 off playing practical jokes that are likely to 
 bring you within the reach of the law. Next 
 case." 
 
 I left the dock in some perturbation, for I 
 had not got ten pounds on me. But I was 
 immediately led to the clerk's table, and he 
 
UPSIDONIA 49 
 
 said in a business-like way : " Sign that, please/* 
 and handed me a little pile of sovereigns and 
 a form of receipt. 
 
 I signed the receipt and put the money into 
 my pocket, and was now free. Mr. Perry and 
 his son joined me, and wringing me warmly by 
 the hand led me out into the open air. They 
 were both dressed in shabby suits, I suppose 
 out of respect to the court, and, although the 
 young man did not look any the worse, I thought 
 that his father seemed more of an oily old 
 humbug than before. 
 
 But there seemed to be no doubt about the 
 reality of his gratitude to me, and his son was 
 equally cordial. They both pressed me to come 
 at once to their house, and to stay as long as I 
 could. 
 
 " If you can put up with our way of living," 
 said Mr. Perry, " which is the reverse of simple, 
 we shall be very pleased indeed to have you so 
 long as you care to stay. Or, if you aTe afraid 
 of luxury, as so many young men are nowadays, 
 we could recommend you to an hotel where 
 you could be as uncomfortable as you please, 
 and we will still do all we can to help you 
 in your social studies, which, I am glad to hear 
 from my son, you are anxious to pursue." 
 
 " If you will be good enough to put me up," 
 I said, " nothing could suit me better ; and as 
 
 D 
 
(5$ UPSIDONIA 
 
 for luxury, I assure you I shan't grumble at 
 anything. As I told your son, I should like 
 to pass as a rich man as long as I stay here." 
 
 This reply pleased Mr. Perry, and he proposed 
 that we should go to his house at once. " I 
 shall take a tram," he said ; " but I dare say 
 you and Edward would prefer to walk." 
 
 At this point Lord Potter came out of the 
 police court. Two young men in smart clothes, 
 with silk hats and patent leather boots, were 
 standing on the steps smoking cigarettes, and 
 did not notice him. He stopped at the top of 
 the steps, and said in a tone of contempt : 
 " Will you kindly get out of my way ¥ " 
 
 The two young men looked round hurriedly 
 and slunk aside, taking off their hats as Lord 
 Potter walked down the steps, ostentatiously 
 holding his rags together to avoid contact with 
 them. 
 
 " It is that spirit," said Mr. Perry, who had 
 observed the scene, " that is responsible for 
 so much of the class-hatred that is now rife. 
 You can hardly wonder at the rich hating the 
 poor, when they are treated in that way." 
 
 Lord Potter passed on with his nose in the 
 air, but when he had gone another two or three 
 steps, turned round and said to Mr. Perry : 
 " You have had a lucky escape, sir. Your 
 method of life is bringing you down pretty low, 
 
UPSIDONIA 51 
 
 and if you are wise you will give up all this 
 nonsense, and return to the quite respectable 
 class in which you were born." 
 
 Then he turned to me. " As for you, young 
 man," he said, " I shall make it my business 
 to know more about you. I don't believe you 
 are what you pretend to be." 
 
 As he walked away with his dirty head in 
 the air, Mr. Perry spluttered indignantly: " The 
 respectable class in which I was born ! He knows 
 very well that I am of a good family — as good 
 as his own. Really, the arrogance of the dirty 
 set is getting past all bearing ! " 
 
 " He makes you feel as if your clothes fitted 
 you," said young Perry. " But never mind him, 
 father. He can't touch us." 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 We saw Mr. Perry into his tram, and started to 
 walk through the town. 
 
 My observation as to the behaviour and ap- 
 pearance of the well-dressed people was con- 
 firmed. The men slouched along with their 
 hands in their pockets, and the women, although 
 they wore fine clothes, had a very ungraceful 
 bearing. The most expensively dressed were 
 the worst in this respect, and the poorer sort 
 of people hustled them off the pavements and 
 treated them with every mark of contempt. 
 
 As we were going through a narrow street 
 between two wide ones, a stout old lady, covered 
 with jewels, and dressed in heliotrope velvet, 
 with some beautiful lace on her gown and enor- 
 mous ostrich feathers in her hat, walked in 
 the gutter by my side, and said in the hoarse 
 whine of a beggar : " Do take a sovereign from 
 a rich woman, kind gentleman. I 'aven't lef 
 off eating for two days, and the larder's full 
 at 'ome." 
 
 I was about to comply with her request, 
 for I have no prejudices against indiscriminate 
 charity, but young Perry told her to be off, or 
 
 52 
 
UPSIDONIA 53 
 
 he'd give her in charge. She slunk away to 
 where a carriage with two fine horses and a 
 coachman and footman was standing at the 
 end of the street, and drove off. 
 
 " These beggars are becoming a regular pest," 
 said Perry. " It is because we have old clothes 
 on. There are some compensations in going 
 about like a rich man." 
 
 " Could I buy a few clothes cheap ? " I asked 
 him. " I want to do the thing thoroughly 
 while I am with you " 
 
 He laughed at me. " I don't know why you 
 should want to buy them cheap," he said. " But, 
 of course, you can get what you want. Do you 
 really mean you would like to be dressed like 
 a rich man ? " 
 
 "Yes, I should," I said. "I should like 
 to have quite a large new wardrobe." 
 
 " I think you're splendid ! " he said admiringly. 
 " I only hope you won't regret it when you come 
 to experience actual wealth." 
 
 " I hope not," I said modestly. " But what- 
 ever it costs me I am prepared to carry it through, 
 and I should like to begin at once." 
 
 " Well, you might get what you want to play 
 your part at the Stores. Then, if you want to 
 do the thing thoroughly, later on you can go 
 to a good tailor and bootmaker and so on, 
 and have things made for you." 
 
54 UPSIDONIA 
 
 I said the Stores would do for the present. I 
 was not quite clear in my mind as yet how the 
 question of payment would work out, but it 
 did not seem to be difficult to get hold of money 
 in Culbut. 
 
 However, as a precautionary measure, I 
 asked the price of the first article shown me, 
 which was a ready-made flannel suit — dark 
 green with a purple stripe in it, quite smart- 
 looking. 
 
 The shopman looked at a secret mark on the 
 label, and said : " Three pounds." 
 
 " Oh, come now ! " said Perry at once. 
 " We're not paupers, you know. You can't 
 treat us in that way." 
 
 The man explained that the material wore 
 exceptionally badly for that elass of goods ; 
 but to us he would make it three pounds ten. 
 
 " Not a penny less than four pounds," said 
 Perry, and I confounded his officiousness. 
 
 " I'll pay his price," I said. " I hate haggling." 
 
 " No," said Perry. "I'm not going to see 
 you bestowed upon. He'll have to let you pay 
 four pounds for it." 
 
 The man said he would go and see the manager, 
 and when he had left the counter Perry said : 
 " Don't you give way to him. These people 
 are always open to a bargain, although they 
 profess to sell dear. Why, that suit would 
 
UPSIDONIA 55 
 
 last you for ever so long ! If we hadn't come 
 in like this he would have let us pay six pounds 
 for it." 
 
 " Do they give credit ? " I asked. 
 
 " They think themselves very lucky if they're 
 allowed to," he said, with a laugh. " I shouldn't 
 trust them too far, if I were you ; they might 
 forget to send in their bill." * 
 
 " Oh, I'll see to that all right," I said. " I 
 think I'll get a lot of things. What would 
 happen if I didn't pay for them at all ? " 
 
 " Well, you would be conferring a benefit 
 on the shareholders of this company which they 
 would thank you for pretty heartily. The 
 business lost only ten per cent last year, and 
 it used to lose twenty when it first started. 
 This new manager is no good. You'll see, 
 he'll give way about this." 
 
 He was right. I was allowed to owe four 
 pounds for the flannel suit, and when I had 
 been through all the departments, and set myself 
 up thoroughly, with several suits, and with hats, 
 boots, hosiery, and everything I could possibly 
 want for some time to come, I was in debt to 
 the Stores for something considerably over a 
 hundred pounds. But under the circumstances 
 that did not trouble me, and I determined to 
 do a little more shopping on credit in Culbut, 
 
 * See Note. 
 
56 UPSIDONIA 
 
 but without young Perry, who was always try- 
 ing to beat things up, and telling me that I didn't 
 need this, and could do quite well without that." 
 
 We each took a parcel, and left the rest to be 
 forwarded to Mr. Perry's house. 
 
 As we walked on through the streets I asked 
 Perry to point me out any people of note whom 
 we might meet, and as I spoke he lifted his 
 hat to a woman who passed us. 
 
 " That is Lady Rumborough, a cousin of 
 my mother's," he said. 
 
 I should not have picked out Lady Rum- 
 borough from a crowd as being anyone in parti- 
 cular, although she was a good-looking woman, 
 and held herself well. She was dressed in a 
 print gown, and wore a hat of plain black straw. 
 She carried a string bag bulging with packages, 
 and had a large lettuce under her arm. 
 
 " Is Lady Rumborough a leader of society ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " Well, she is in a way," he said, " although 
 she is not very poor. Lord Rumborough is 
 a greengrocer in a fair way of business, and 
 they hate the dirty set and all their ways." 
 
 He then explained that the dirty set was 
 inclined to usurp the lead in the aristocratic 
 society of Culbut. Aristocrats of extreme pov- 
 erty, such as Lord Potter, belonged to it, but 
 it was largely recruited from amongst those 
 
UPSIDONIA 57 
 
 who were nobodies by birth and had not infre- 
 quently risen from the opulent and leisured 
 classes. They made a parade of their poverty, 
 and were ashamed to be thought to possess the 
 smallest thing, even a cake of soap. 
 
 We next passed a cheerful active young man 
 in an old but well-cut serge suit who went by 
 in a great hurry. 
 
 "That," said Perry, "is Albert White, the 
 great newspaper proprietor. He has made him- 
 self a most extraordinary career/ 5 
 
 It seemed that Mr. Albert White was the son 
 of a man of good family, but one possessing 
 considerable wealth. At an early age, when 
 other young men in his position were preparing 
 for a life of dull idleness, he decided that he 
 would raise himself to a high position amongst 
 the workers. He started a weekly paper which 
 few people could read, and lost a good deal of 
 money over it. Using this as a stepping-stone, 
 he started other papers, each more unread- 
 able than the last. He developed a positive 
 genius for discovering what the people didn't 
 want, and in a very few years had lost more 
 than any other newspaper proprietor had drop- 
 ped in a lifetime. Now he was one of the 
 poorest men in Upsidonia, and had made his 
 family, and many others whom he had picked 
 out to help him, poor too. 
 
58 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " Others have since followed in his foot- 
 steps/' said Perry, " but none have had the suc- 
 cess that he has. His daily paper has by far 
 the smallest circulation of any in Upsidonia. 
 People refuse to read it in enormous numbers, 
 and it is the worst advertising medium in jour- 
 nalism." 
 
 " Why ? " I asked. " What is its charac- 
 ter ? " " 
 
 "It is mostly written by very learned men. 
 White does not mind how little he pays to get 
 the right people. He makes a frank appeal 
 to the literate, and, of course, there are fewer 
 of them than of any class. The odd thing is 
 that nobody ever seems to have realised before 
 what a great field for newspaper enterprise 
 there is amongst those who will have the best 
 and nothing but it. White has taught us that 
 you can drop more money over it, and in a 
 shorter time, than with almost anything else." 
 
 " I suppose your learned men are amongst 
 the poor \ " I asked. 
 
 " Yes. Aren't yours ? " 
 
 " We keep them fairly poor as a rule." 
 
 "It is the only possible way. The mind is 
 of much more importance than the body, and 
 it cannot do fullest justice to itself if it is ham- 
 pered by the distractions of wealth, or clogged 
 by luxury. For that reason, I take it, in both 
 
UPSIDONIA 59 
 
 countries, we keep our learned men poor, and 
 strive after what knowledge we can." 
 
 " I can't say that in my country we all strive 
 after it," I said. " We don't like to let our 
 learned men feel that we are cutting them out." 
 
 " Ah, I think that is a mistake ; but perhaps 
 it is not a bad one. If there is one thing that 
 our upper classes lack, it is humility. I sup- 
 pose, though, that all your people do earnestly 
 desire the best gifts in life — knowledge, high 
 character, and so on ? " 
 
 " Most of us, of course. But there are some 
 who seem to prefer to be merely well off." 
 
 " Ah, I'm afraid that there will always be 
 those ; but I rather gather from things that 
 you have let fall that you don't despise them 
 quite as much as we do." 
 
 " Possibly a shade less. We are charitable 
 in that respect." 
 
 " Then you are always ready to relieve a 
 rich man of his wealth, I suppose ? " 
 
 " There are quite a large number of people 
 amongst us who are anxious to do so." 
 
 " My dear Howard, what a happy state of 
 things ! Your country must be a Utopia. Do 
 you see that man over there ? That is John 
 De Montmorency, the popular actor manager." 
 
 He pointed to a very seedy-looking unkempt 
 man who, however, held his head high, and gazed 
 
60 UPSIDONIA 
 
 around him as he walked for admiring looks, 
 which he got in plenty, especially from the 
 young girls. 
 
 " They say," said Perry, " that his dresser 
 once pressed a crease into the trousers in which 
 he was to play a lord, out of revenge for some 
 slight, and he went on to the stage in them 
 without noticing. It took him a long time 
 to recover from the blow." 
 
 " Am I to believe," I asked when Mr. De 
 Montmorency had passed us, " that in Upsidonia 
 the chief things that are desired are, as you say, 
 high character and knowledge and poverty ? " 
 
 " There can be no difficulty in believing that, 
 can there ? Those are the best things in life, 
 and everyone naturally desires the best things. 
 Well, of course, poverty in itself isn't one of 
 the best things ; it is only a means to an end. 
 Still, we are none of us perfect, and I don't 
 deny that there are many who desire poverty 
 for its own sake. I am interested to learn that 
 among you there is not the fierce race for it 
 that we have here." 
 
 " Why should anybody desire it for itself ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " My dear fellow, if you had seen as much of 
 the grinding bitterness of wealth as I have," 
 he said, " you would not ask that question. 
 To be at the mercy of your possessions, never 
 
UPSIDONIA 61 
 
 to be free from the deadening weight of idle- 
 
 ness, never . 
 
 " But surely," I interrupted, " your rich 
 people can amuse themselves. They needn't 
 be idle. Don't they play games, for instance ? " 
 
 " Yes, the young do. We make them. But 
 how terrible to have to kill time with cricket 
 and golf and lawn- tennis, and when the game 
 is finished to feel that nothing has been done 
 to further the good of mankind ! " 
 
 " Why do you make them play then ? ' : 
 
 " To keep them in health. We have the 
 Upsidonian race to think of. We can't afford 
 to deteriorate bodily as a nation." 
 
 " And do you mean to say that the rich and 
 healthy young man really dislikes exercising 
 his body and amusing his mind by playing 
 games, simply because nothing comes of it ? " 
 
 " Not, perhaps, when he is quite young. 
 But to look forward to a life of it — ! Besides, 
 he can seldom afford to do even that for long." 
 
 " Can't afford it ? " 
 
 " No. It isn't expensive enough. He has 
 to set about his business of spending money, 
 sometimes — if his parents are very rich — at 
 an early age, and the desire for healthy exer- 
 cise soon leaves him. Why, after a day of 
 idleness it is sometimes as much as he can do 
 
62 UPSIDONIA 
 
 to drag himself to bed, and then very often he 
 can't sleep." 
 
 " But surely there is nothing very difficult 
 about spending money, if you really set out to 
 do it! In my country rich men buy fine pic- 
 tures, and things of that surt." 
 
 " Well, unless the fine pictures in your coun- 
 try cost more than the poor ones, I don't see 
 how that's to help them." 
 
 " They do cost more. They cost enormous 
 sums." 
 
 " Yours seems a very funny sort of country, 
 and I shouldn't say too much about it if I were 
 you, or people will think you are romancing. 
 Everything here that is worth having is cheap, 
 and everything that isn't is dear. The rich 
 aren't educated up to appreciating the good 
 things." 
 
 " What do they learn in their schools ? "* 
 
 " The education is good as far as it goes. In 
 fact, some old-fashioned people say it is too good, 
 and unfits the rich for the serious business of 
 their lives, which is to spend money that the 
 poor earn ; although, of course, they would 
 not put it in that way. There was a good deal 
 of grumbling when the last government per- 
 mitted science to be taught in the public schools. 
 It was felt that the children of rich parents 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 63 
 
 would be much better employed in learning 
 expensive habits, so as to fit them for their 
 station in life. But I, for one, should certainly 
 not give in to that view." 
 
 " Well then, couldn't the rich get rid of 
 some of their wealth by building hospitals, 
 or endowing research, or something of that sort ? " 
 
 " Endowing research ? " he repeated in a 
 puzzled way. " How could they do that ? 
 Only the poor can endow research — by relieving 
 suitable men of the wealth that might hamper 
 them in their work." 
 
 " Well then, building hospitals, or picture 
 galleries, public works — anything." 
 
 " But the state does all that. Of course, 
 the rich contribute their share of the rates and 
 taxes, and there is a good deal of grumbling 
 amongst them at present, because the party 
 that was lately elected to bring about profusion 
 has turned out more economical than the party 
 it defeated. No ; it is the overplus of wealth 
 that makes the social difficulty. It must be 
 used, of course, and there must, unless we limit 
 supply,* be a submerged class on whose shoulders 
 rests the burden of using it." 
 
 " I still don't see why it shouldn't be wasted, 
 or merely hoarded. Don't the rich men hoard 
 their wealth % " 
 
 * See Note. 
 
64 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " How could they ? The Government audi- 
 tors would be down on them at once." 
 
 " How would they know ? ' ; 
 
 " Well, everybody has to keep accounts, 
 and the auditors are quite sharp enough to stop 
 any serious defalcation."* 
 
 11 But why take all this trouble to see that 
 wealth isn't wasted ? It is wasted if it keeps 
 a large class of people in idle luxury, when the 
 state has made up its mind that idle luxury 
 is a bad thing for mankind." 
 
 " Ah, my dear Howard ! There you sum 
 up the selfishness of human nature. As long 
 as the poor have power they will put their 
 burdens on the rich." 
 
 " Yes, the burdens of wealth. But why should 
 they object to the rich getting rid of the over- 
 plus of wealth in any way they please ? It 
 wouldn't make any difference to their own 
 enjoyment of work and poverty." 
 
 " It ought not to, perhaps, considering what 
 an evil riches are. But what is it that makes 
 the chief satisfaction of work ? Surely, that 
 you are producing something — something use- 
 ful to mankind. If you knew that a consider- 
 able proportion of what you produced would be 
 thrown away, why you might just as well work 
 a treadmill, or play golf, instead of ploughing 
 
 * See Note 
 
UPSIDONIA 65 
 
 or sowing, or making useful things, such as 
 clothes or furniture. The dignity of labour 
 would disappear." 
 
 " Still, if the overplus of food, for instance, 
 makes eating and drinking hateful, as it seems 
 to do here, and the overplus of other things 
 becomes a burden to a large proportion of the 
 people, the result would seem to be about the 
 same as actual waste."* 
 
 " Well, it is worse, of course, for the rich. 
 But, unfortunately, the poor do not consider 
 that enough. In your happy country, where 
 the upper classes, from what you tell me, act 
 as much for the benefit of the lower classes 
 as for themselves, you escape these problems. 
 
 " But we will discuss these things further, 
 and you shall see for yourself. Here we are at 
 Magnolia Hall ; allow me to give you a warm 
 welcome to our rich abode." 
 
 * See Note. 
 
 E 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 We had long since left the business streets 
 of the city behind, and had come, first through 
 a district of mean-looking houses occupied 
 chiefly, as Perry told me, by the aristocrats 
 of Culbut, then through a more spacious sub- 
 urb of large and small villas, where he said 
 those of a decent degree of poverty resided. 
 The tram-line had borne us company to the 
 edge of this quarter, and we had walked for the 
 best part of a mile along a country road, bor- 
 dered by walls or fences enclosing the gardens 
 of larger houses. 
 
 We now turned in at a pair of gates flanked 
 by a pretty lodge, and went along a winding 
 drive banked on either side with rhododendrons, 
 now in full flower, until we came out into a 
 beautiful and open garden, whose verdant lawns 
 were ringed by a great variety of flowering 
 shrubs and trees. This charming garden seemed 
 a suitable setting for the long two-storied 
 white-painted house, with its deep eaves, old- 
 fashioned bow windows, and creeper-grown ver- 
 andah. A giant magnolia, delicately flushed 
 with pink, was in full flower over the front of 
 
 66 
 
UPSIDONIA 67 
 
 the house. The still summer air brooded peace- 
 fully over all, and the tinkle of water from a 
 fountain in a yew-enclosed rose-garden opening 
 out of the drive fell gratefully on the ear. 
 
 " And this/' I exclaimed, " your educated 
 classes despise, and prefer to coop themselves 
 up in those wretched little houses we passed ! " 
 
 He looked at me in surprise. " Oh, you don't 
 understand in the least/' he said. 
 
 There was no time for further explanation, 
 for we had now reached the front door, which 
 stood hospitably open, affording a glimpse 
 beyond the lobby of a cool spacious hall, paved 
 with black and white marble. 
 
 We did not, however, enter at once. Perry 
 rang the bell, and we waited until a butler 
 and a footman in livery* appeared, who relieved 
 us of the parcels we carried and showed us into 
 a pleasant morning-room, beautifully furnished 
 and full of flowers. 
 
 " Mr. John Howard and Mr. Edward Perry," 
 said my friend to the butler, and we were left 
 to ourselves. 
 
 "Excuse my asking," I said, " but do you 
 have to observe strict formalities in your own 
 house ? " 
 
 " Oh yes," he said. " No good servants 
 would engage us unless we undertook to give 
 
 * See Note. 
 
68 UPSIDONIA 
 
 them plenty of work. It is one of the many 
 penalties of wealth." 
 
 At this point Mr. Perry came into the room, 
 dressed as I had first seen him, and hav- 
 ing shaved since we had parted. He renewed 
 his welcome warmly, and introduced me to his 
 wife, a comely grey-haired lady with agreeable 
 manners, who said that she was delighted to 
 see me, and to hear that I was ready to take 
 them as I found them. I was also introduced 
 to Miss Miriam Perry, whom I took to at once, 
 as she was exceptionally pretty, and had a 
 very frank and pleasing way with her. There 
 was also a younger sister, Mollie, a pretty child 
 of thirteen or so, and Tom, a boy of about a 
 year older, who alone of the family was dressed 
 in old and shabby clothes. But he had a merry 
 freckled face and excellent manners. 
 
 " Here," said Mr. Perry, " you see us all, 
 except my married daughter ; and I hope you 
 will like us." 
 
 I liked them already, with one exception, 
 and I thought it possible that I might even 
 come to like Mr. Perry himself in time, for he 
 showed to better advantage surrounded by his 
 family and in his own beautiful home than he 
 had done outside. 
 
 " Mr. Howard," said Edward, " wants to 
 live as we do while he is with us, and to study 
 
UPSIDONIA 69 
 
 the conditions of wealth from the inside. He 
 has even bought a great many clothes, and per- 
 haps he would like to put some of them on be- 
 fore luncheon." 
 
 This announcement, I could see, brought 
 gratification to my hosts, but Tom looked 
 rather disgusted. He was being educated at 
 a day school, I learnt afterwards, where many 
 of his companions were the sons of very poor 
 men, and he was not yet of an age to sympathise 
 deeply with the family taste for philanthropy. 
 
 Edward took me up to my room, and apolo- 
 gised for its air of comfort. The footman was 
 unpacking the parcels we had brought, and 
 it was possibly for his benefit that Edward 
 said : " We keep one or two barely furnished 
 attics for people like yourself who come to see 
 us ; but I thought that as you wanted to live 
 for a time as the rich do, you would put up with 
 this. We can always move you." 
 
 I said that certainly under the circumstances 
 I preferred this room to an attic. It had a 
 wide view of the largest slope of lawn and a 
 well-wooded landscape beyond. There was a 
 big bed in it, a well-furnished writing-table, 
 and an easy-chair by the window, through which 
 the open flowers of the magnolia outside wafted 
 a sweet perfume. 
 
 " Well then, I will go and change my clothes," 
 
70 UPSIDONIA 
 
 said Edward. " Lord Arthur will show you 
 the bathroom, and where my room is, if you 
 want to come in to me at any time." 
 
 He went out, and I took a closer look at the 
 footman, who seemed to have been indicated 
 as Lord Arthur. 
 
 He was a handsome, rather disdainful-look- 
 ing young man, and when Edward had left the 
 room he said familiarly : " Then you're one of 
 us, eh ? Why do you want to rig yourself 
 out in this sort of kit 1 Which will you wear ? 
 I should recommend the white flannel, if you 
 want to do the thing thoroughly." 
 
 " The white flannel will do very well," I 
 said. " I am studying social conditions, and, 
 as you say, want to do it thoroughly." 
 
 " Well, I think you're rather a fool," he said. 
 " You can see all you want of the rich by tak- 
 ing service with them as I have done. You 
 needn't live like them." 
 
 " I rather like making myself comfortable," 
 I said tentatively. 
 
 His Up curled. " Is your mind comfortable 
 when your body is comfortable ? " he asked. 
 
 " It is more likely to be so," I replied. 
 
 " There are a good many people with low 
 tastes in the world," he said, " but they don't 
 generally acknowledge them in that unblush- 
 ing way. If you want a life of comfort because 
 
UPSIDONIA 71 
 
 you like it, why don't you say so ? You'll 
 find plenty of swabs* in your own class to join 
 in with, who don't pretend to be social students." 
 
 " I was only chaffing," I said. " Have you 
 got a good place here ? " 
 
 " Well, it's rather a bore to have to mix 
 socially with your employers, although the 
 Perrys are very nice people really, and if it 
 weren't for all this philanthropic nonsense 
 as good as anybody. Still, you can't treat 
 them exactly as you would other rich people, 
 and we often have to do ourselves a good deal 
 better than we want to in the servants' hall, 
 simply because we can't foist all the best food 
 on to them and see that they get through it 
 themselves. We're really helping them all the 
 time in their silly experiment, and although 
 the between maid and the head coachman 
 and one or two more are reformers, most of us 
 aren't, and simply want to be let alone to live 
 a hard life, as we should anywhere else." 
 
 " Yes, I see. I suppose most of you are of 
 good family and that sort of thing ? " 
 
 " One of the undergardeners is a baronet, 
 but he's got more hard work to do than you can 
 get indoors. I'm the only other fellow with a 
 title, but I was never very strong. All my 
 brothers are navvies, and it's hard luck that I 
 
 * See Note. 
 
72 UPSIDONIA 
 
 was pilled in my medical examination. Oh 
 yes, we're a pretty good lot on the whole. 
 Still, domestic service isn't what it used 
 to be. It is so crowded as a profession 
 that it's difficult to get a place where there's 
 enough work to do. The women are better 
 off, because they can go out as generals. 
 But for men it is getting more and more difficult, 
 owing to the spread of education amongst the 
 lower classes. The masters and mistresses are 
 often so independent that if you don't let them 
 live as poorly as you do yourselves they'll just 
 give you notice. Well, I think that's all. The 
 bathroom is just opposite. I'll go and turn on 
 the water." 
 
 " Thanks," I said. " Quite cold, please." 
 An indulgent smile illumined Lord Arthur's 
 aristrocratic features. " It's plain that you've 
 never learnt how to treat servants," he said. 
 " If you weren't a gentleman, I should turn you 
 on a stewing hot one for that, and see that you 
 got into it." 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 The luncheon to which we presently sat down 
 was everything that it should have been from 
 my point of view. It is true that Mrs. Perry 
 had thoughtfully provided some large hunks 
 of bread and cold bacon, with some beer in a 
 tin can, for my especial benefit ; but I made 
 it quite clear that I wanted no difference made 
 on my account. My request to be treated 
 as one of themselves made an excellent im- 
 pression on all of them except Tom, who made 
 a frugal meal of bread and cheese, and went 
 off to school before we were half way through. 
 I thought it rather remarkable that a boy of 
 his age should be able to refuse all the deli- 
 cacies provided, apparently without flinching, 
 but there was no mistaking his look of pained 
 disgust when I refused the cold bacon.* 
 
 I noticed that all the rest of the family ate 
 sparingly, except Mr. Perry, who asked for 
 second supplies of omelette, asparagus, and 
 strawberries, on the ground that he must do 
 his duty. They left a good deal on their plates, 
 while making it look as little as possible, and 
 
 * See Note. 
 
 73 
 
74 UPS1D0NIA 
 
 for every fruit that was not quite perfect they 
 rejected at least three, saying that they were 
 bad. This was done with an eye on the ser- 
 vants, who took their share in the conversation, 
 and whose business it appeared to be to see 
 that everyone ate and drank as much as possible. 
 I was hungry, and did what I could to oblige 
 them. But I could see that I was not really 
 pleasing them, for both butler and footman 
 treated my handsome appetite as an indelicate 
 thing, while doing all they could to satisfy it. 
 
 Towards the end of luncheon, the butler, 
 whose name was Blother, said to Mrs. Perry : 
 " Duff has sent in to say that the carriage 
 horses want exercise, and you had better pay 
 a good long round of calls this afternoon." 
 
 Mrs. Perry's face fell. " I rather wanted 
 to stay at home this afternoon," she said. " It 
 is very hot, and I thought I would read a book 
 in the garden. Can't Mr. Duff have the horses 
 exercised by one of the grooms this afternoon ? " 
 
 "I'm afraid not, Mrs. Perry," said Blother. 
 " He says he gave you an afternoon off yes- 
 terday, and two last week. It is not fair to 
 refuse him employment. He is in rather an 
 excited state about it. I should go if I were 
 you." 
 
 " I suppose I must," she said with a sigh. 
 " What are you going to do, Samuel ? " 
 
UPSIDONIA 75 
 
 " I thought of having a little nap," said Mr. 
 Perry piously. " One must not let one's little 
 luxuries drop, or one loses sympathy with the 
 rich. At half-past three I have a committee 
 meeting of the Society for the Relief of Com- 
 pany Promoters, and at five o'clock I am to 
 introduce a deputation of brewers* to the Chan- 
 cellor of the Exchequer. I shall go to the club 
 after that for an hour, and I thought, perhaps, 
 Mr. Howard would like to join me there." 
 
 I said I should like to do so, and it was set- 
 tled that I should be driven into Culbut to join 
 Mr. Perry at half -past five. 
 
 " That will make three carriages then, 
 Blother," said Mr. Perry. " There needn't be 
 any grumbling in the stables this afternoon, 
 at any rate." 
 
 Mrs. Perry retired to dress for her afternoon's 
 occupation, Mr. Perry sought the seclusion 
 of the library, and Mollie went off to her gover- 
 ness. This left Edward and Miss Miriam, and 
 I rather hoped that Edward might have some 
 work to do. 
 
 My hopes were realised. He had a strenuous 
 programme marked out. He was to instruct 
 a class of millionaires' sons in the principles 
 of breeding and running race-horses for loss, 
 to audit the accounts of the Orchid-Growers' 
 Defence Association, and to prepare a lecture 
 
76 UPSIDONIA 
 
 he had undertaken to deliver at a meeting of 
 the Young Poker-Players' Mutual Improvement 
 Society on " A Good Prose Style." This would 
 take him all the afternoon, and I begged him 
 earnestly not to vary his plans on my account. 
 
 He seemed obviously relieved. " If I had 
 known you would be here," he said, " I should 
 not have set myself so much to do ; but you will 
 find plenty of improving books in the library, 
 and some uncomfortable chairs, and I am sure 
 that Miriam will talk to you if you wish to con- 
 verse, or play lawn tennis with you if you would 
 like to do that." 
 
 Miriam then offered, with a charming frank- 
 ness, to make herself responsible for my enter- 
 tainment for the afternoon, and I was quite 
 pleased to have it so.* 
 
 " Would you like to play tennis ? " she asked 
 me, " or shall we talk on the verandah ? If 
 you really want to suit yourself to your sur- 
 roundings you can smoke." 
 
 " We might sit on the verandah for a bit," 
 I said, " and I will certainly smoke. After that 
 I should like to see the garden, if you will show 
 me round. And then I shall be quite ready for 
 lawn tennis." 
 
 For some reason, which I did not understand, 
 she blushed when I asked her to show me the 
 
 • Bee Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 77 
 
 garden, and turned her head away ; but she 
 only said : " Come along, then," and led the 
 way on to the shady verandah, from the roof 
 of which hung long trusses of wistaria, and from 
 which the beautiful garden could be seen spread 
 in front of us with all its colour and cool verdure. 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 
 There were basket chairs on the verandah, 
 and I took the most comfortable of them, 
 after Miriam had chosen hers, which I should 
 have said was the least comfortable of all. 
 
 " This is very delightful," I said. " After 
 all, there are some compensations in being rich." 
 
 I cast a glance at her as I said this. In her 
 pretty cool white dress, which fitted her beauti- 
 fully, and with her abundant fair hair, carefully 
 and becomingly braided, she looked just like 
 any other girl, the daughter of well-to-do par- 
 ents, who had been brought up to a life of wealth 
 and ease. For my part I like to see young girls 
 having a good time, and am not averse to shar- 
 ing it with them. I was inclined to wonder 
 how far this very charming young girl was per- 
 mitted to enjoy naturally the good things pro- 
 vided for her, and how far she was affected 
 by the economic curiosities that surrounded 
 her. 
 
 She did not reply directly to my endeavours 
 to draw her out. "It is very kind of you to 
 make the best of us," she said, a little coldly. 
 
 " Please don't be offended at my ignorance 
 78 
 
UPSIDONIA 79 
 
 of the way things go here," I said. " I have 
 lived all my life in different surroundings, 
 and it is all quite new to me." 
 
 This speech did nothing to alter her slight 
 air of coolness. " We don't live in this way for 
 fun," she said ; and I made haste to explain 
 further. 
 
 " I don't mean that at all," I said. " I mean 
 that the whole life of Upsidonia is new to me, 
 poor as well as rich. In my country things 
 are different altogether." 
 
 " How do you mean — in your country ? ' ; 
 she asked with a puzzled air. 
 
 " I come from England," I said. "It is 
 very much like Upsidonia in some ways ; in 
 others it is quite different." 
 
 She received my information in the same way 
 as Edward had done. " England ! " she re- 
 peated. " Where is that ? I thought I was 
 rather good at geography; I took a prize in it 
 at school. But I have never heard of England. 
 What direction is it in, and how did you come 
 here ? " 
 
 " I walked over the moors," I said. " I 
 have been walking for some days. I found 
 myself yesterday evening in a wood just the 
 other side of Culbut." 
 
 A light seemed to break in on her. " Oh, I 
 see ! " she exclaimed. " You came over the 
 
80 UPSIDONIA 
 
 hills. You are a Highlander ! That is very 
 interesting. No wonder you look down a little 
 on us Culbutians ! But what made you leave 
 that paradise to come here ? And why didn't 
 you tell us before that you were a Highlander ? 
 I am sure my father and mother would have 
 been very flattered/ ' 
 
 She seemed quite excited, and regarded me 
 with curiosity not unmixed with reverence.* 
 
 " Well, I have never called myself a High- 
 lander, exactly," I said. " In England we 
 call the Scotch Highlanders/ ' 
 
 " England ! Scotch ! " she repeated. " How 
 extraordinary it is ! I must get you to show 
 it to me on a map/' 
 
 " Yes, I should like to see a map," I said. 
 " You see, everything is very different with 
 us." 
 
 " Oh, I know it is. You are the most for- 
 tunate people in the world. All this must seem 
 very extraordinary to you, and Fm afraid 
 rather painful. I wonder you take it all as 
 naturally as you do. I suppose you have never 
 seen a house like this before ? " 
 
 " It is certainly a very charming house," 
 I said, " but it is not altogether unlike the one 
 I was brought up in near London." 
 
 Her air of bewilderment returned. " Lon- 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 81 
 
 don ! " she said. " I have never heard of any 
 of the places you mention. Is England a dis- 
 trict % " 
 
 " Yes ; a pretty large one." 
 
 " There are many districts in the Highlands 
 that we know very little of, but I had no idea 
 that there were houses like this anywhere. 
 I thought you all lived so very simply, and 
 were spared all the difficulties that our rich 
 have to undergo." 
 
 " In some parts of the Highlands that may 
 be so. But in England it is different. People 
 who lived in a house like this would be considered 
 very fortunate, and they would certainly prefer 
 it to a little house in a street." 
 
 " How very extraordinary ! " she said again. 
 " But wouldn't they be looked down upon ? " 
 
 " Not at all. The people who live in the 
 little houses are apt to be looked down upon." 
 
 " But don't the upper classes all live in lit- 
 tle houses ? " 
 
 "No, they live mostly in the bigger ones, 
 some of them in much bigger ones than this ; 
 and the bigger they are the better they like 
 them." 
 
 She became more and more interested. " I 
 never heard anything like that before," she 
 said. " I should think it must be rather nice, 
 if all of them do it. Does the dirty set live 
 
82 UPSIDONIA 
 
 in big houses ? Oh, but I forgot, you don't 
 have a dirty set in the Highlands." 
 
 " We do in England," I said. " But we 
 don't kow-tow to them as people seem to do 
 here. If Lord Potter were to show his face 
 there he would be liable to be locked up. We 
 consider dirt a disgrace." 
 
 " Oh, so do we," she said hastily. " My 
 aunt, Lady Blueberry, who is really a great 
 lady, won't have anything to do with the dirty 
 set. My Uncle Blueberry says that the old 
 tradition of Upsidonia was not even extreme 
 poverty, but only just so much as to escape 
 the horrible burdens of wealth." 
 
 " Is your uncle ? " 
 
 " He is the Earl of Blueberry. He is a post- 
 man." 
 
 " Well, in England he would not be likely 
 to be that. At least, he might be Postmaster- 
 General. Our nobility is for the most part 
 rich, and they live in the finest houses, although 
 some of them are obliged to work for their liv- 
 mg. 
 
 " Obliged ! " she echoed. " Don't they all 
 exercise their right to work ? " 
 
 "It is a right that has somewhat fallen into 
 abeyance, but some of them do. Others pre- 
 fer to amuse themselves. In fact, to make 
 a clean breast of it, we all like to have plenty of 
 
UPSIDONIA 83 
 
 money in England, so that we can live in nice 
 houses, and go about and enjoy ourselves, and 
 wear nice clothes, and eat and drink nice things." 
 
 A shade of disgust crossed her face. " How 
 very different it all is to what I have been told ! " 
 she said. M But I am glad you told me about 
 the eating and drinking. I thought you did 
 what you did at lunch to please Mrs. Lemon, 
 our cook." 
 
 I was a trifle disturbed at this speech. " Well, 
 of course, that was partly the reason," I said. 
 " And you mustn't run away with the idea 
 that we encourage greediness. But surely, now, 
 you must like living in a pretty house like this, 
 with this lovely garden, better than being 
 cooped up in a street ! " 
 
 " Perhaps, if all one's friends did it," she said 
 thoughtfully. " Don't your upper classes live 
 in towns at all ? Oh, but I forgot, there are 
 no towns in the Highlands." 
 
 " There are in England. There is London. 
 It is rather a big town. Our upper classes 
 live there part of the year, if they can afford 
 it. Some of them have country houses and 
 town houses as well." 
 
 " At what time of the year do they go to their 
 town houses ? " 
 
 " Late spring and early summer are the times 
 when things are at their gayest." 
 
84 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " But that is when the country is at its love- 
 liest. What do they do with their country 
 houses ? " 
 
 " They shut them up — leave a few servants 
 in them." 
 
 " Ah ! I suppose they have to consider 
 their servants. Otherwise it seems absurd for 
 people who like the country to leave it when it 
 is at its best." 
 
 " There are very pretty parks in London." 
 
 " So there are here. So we are not so very 
 different in our tasted, you see." 
 
 " Tell me truthfully," I said, leaving this 
 point ; " don't you like wearing pretty clothes ? ''' 
 
 She blushed, and laughed. " Perhaps I should 
 if all my friends did," she said, but added a 
 little primly : " You can be prettily dressed 
 when you are poor, and you don't have to change 
 your clothes two or three times a day to please 
 your maid." 
 
 " You wouldn't have to please your maid 
 in England," I said. " She would have to please 
 you, and if she didn't you would get rid of her 
 and have another one." 
 
 She looked at me incredulously. " That is 
 the most extraordinary thing you have told me 
 yet," she said. " Servants here are the great- 
 est nuisance in the world. They won't let you 
 do a thing for yourself if they can possibly stop 
 
UPSIDONIA 85 
 
 you, and you can't call your life your own. 
 How I envy my cousins sometimes, who can go 
 where they like and do what they like without 
 for ever being obliged to think of finding work 
 for a lot of disagreeable superior servants ! " 
 
 " But can't you do what you like ? " I asked. 
 " Aren't you and I going to do what we like 
 this afternoon ? Your servants haven't bothered 
 us much so far." 
 
 " Our servants are very kind to us. Of 
 course it is not as though we really belonged 
 to the rich. But I must say that I am rather 
 surprised at their having left us alone for so long." 
 
 As if in answer to her, the butler, Mr. Blother, 
 and the footman, Lord Arthur, came out of 
 the house at that moment, carrying a tray on 
 which was a large jug of iced cup of some sort, 
 and a dish of strawberries and cream. 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Blother ! " exclaimed Miriam. 
 " You can't be so cruel as to expect us to eat 
 and drink any more now ! " 
 
 " My dear Miriam," said Mr. Blother, in a 
 fatherly manner, " you must eat a few straw- 
 berries, or what is the good of the gardener 
 picking them ? I will let you off the hock cup 
 until you have had a set or two ; but I thought 
 that both you and Mr. Howard would be able 
 to drink it after you had got hot. It is quite 
 time you began to play. Arthur and I are 
 
86 UPSIDONIA 
 
 ready to field the balls now, and we want some 
 exercise out of doors badly." 
 
 He and the footman bustled away to put up 
 the net, and I went upstairs to put on a pair of 
 tennis shoes. When I came down again the 
 net was up and the racquets and balls were 
 ready for us. 
 
 Lord Arthur looked at me with some dis- 
 pleasure. " I don't know why you couldn't 
 have asked me to fetch your shoes," he said. 
 " You and I will fall out if you bring your airs 
 of poverty and independence here." 
 
 "I'll give you some work to do, if that is 
 what you want," I said. "I'm not very good 
 at this game, and I am a hard and rather wild 
 hitter." 
 
 But it was Mr. Blother who fielded the balls 
 behind Miriam, and it pleased me to see him 
 running about here and there in his swallow- 
 tail coat, and getting into a terrible state of 
 perspiration and breathlessness. 
 
 When we had played a couple of sets it was 
 Mr. Blother who stopped us. 
 
 " I think you have done enough for the pre- 
 sent," he said, wiping his heated brow. " Thank 
 you very much, Mr. Howard, for playing so 
 badly. I have seldom enjoyed a game more. 
 Now I think you can both manage to polish 
 off some of that hock cup." 
 
UPSIDONIA 87 
 
 I was quite ready to do so. I rather spoilt 
 the good impression I had made on Mr. Blother 
 by asking if he did not feel inclined for a drink 
 himself. He withered me with his eye, and 
 stalked off indoors, followed by the indignant 
 Lord Arthur, who said to me as he passed : 
 '* You seem to have brought very queer ideas 
 of behaviour with you, wherever you have come 
 from." 
 
 Miriam too, looked at me doubtfully when we 
 were once more left alone together. " I know 
 you only meant it for fun," she said, " but Mr. 
 Blother is so kind and good that it is a shame 
 to tease him." 
 
 " But don't you think he would like a drink ? " 
 I asked. " You saw how awfully hot he was." 
 
 " Of course he would like it," she said. " That 
 is why I think it is too bad to tease him." 
 
 I enjoyed my own drink a good deal. Mr. 
 Blother was a king of cup-makers. 
 
 Miriam sipped only half a glass, and I was 
 careful not to press her to drink any more. I was 
 quite capable of emptying the rest of the jug 
 myself, and poured out a second glass, with the 
 remark that I had not meant to offend Mr. 
 Blother, and I would now try to make it up to 
 him. 
 
 This pleased her, and she said, with her de- 
 lightful frank and friendly smile : " You are 
 
88 UPSIDONIA 
 
 really awfully good, and I am sure the servants 
 will adore you. We do our best to treat them 
 well, but I am afraid we do grumble a lot, and 
 you seem to do things to please them quite 
 naturally." 
 
 " We are brought up to be unselfish in Eng- 
 land," I said modestly, and filled a third glass, 
 emptying the jug. 
 
 " Are you ready to play again ? " Miriam 
 asked. " We might get two of the maids to 
 field the balls. They would be pleased if we 
 were to ask them." 
 
 " I have had a good deal of exercise lately," 
 I said, " and it is very hot. What I should 
 really like to do would be to sit here a little 
 longer, and then have a wander round the gar- 
 den. I am very fond of gardens, and I should 
 like to see this one, which looks lovely." 
 
 Again, to my great surprise, Miriam blushed 
 deeply. She rose irom her chair, and said, 
 looking away from me : "I am going in now. 
 Mollie will be out in a minute, and she will 
 take you round the garden if you want to see 
 it." 
 
 Then she went indoors, leaving me to wonder 
 what on earth I had said to cause her such con- 
 fusion. 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 I was not left alone long. Mollie came out of 
 the house, and greeted me in friendly childish 
 fashion. 
 
 " Lessons over for the day," she said, throwing 
 herself into a chair. " I suppose you will be 
 awfully shocked if I say that I am glad of it." 
 
 She shook her thick mass of curls at me, 
 with a challenging laugh. 
 
 " I am not shocked in the least," I said. 
 " I think lessons on a hot afternoon must be 
 a great bore for little girls." 
 
 " What an awful thing to say ! I am afraid 
 you are a very wicked man, but, of course, 
 you don't mean it. Miriam is rather tired 
 of talking to you, and asked me to come and take 
 her place. What shall we do ? " 
 
 I was rather disturbed at the information 
 so frankly delivered, and said boldly : " I want 
 to see the garden. Will you take me round ? ' 
 
 The request, which had driven Miriam away, 
 seemed to make no disagreeable impression on 
 Mollie. She jumped up at once and said : 
 " Yes, come along ; and after that we will play 
 
 89 
 
90 UPSIDONIA 
 
 tennis, unless you're too tired. Tom won't 
 play with me,* and I hardly ever get a game." 
 
 We went round the garden, which was beauti- 
 fully laid out and beautifully kept. We came 
 across three or four gardeners, all toiling as if 
 for their lives, and one of them, I supposed, 
 was the baronet of whom Lord Arthur had told 
 me, although none of them looked in the least 
 like a baronet. 
 
 There was a lovely rose garden, in a corner 
 by itself, and as roses were rather a hobby of 
 mine I examined each of the beds with some 
 care. In one of them I stooped down to pick 
 up a weed. It was the first I had seen anywhere. 
 
 " Oh, you mustn't do that," said Mollie, 
 with round eyes expressive of horror. " Thank 
 goodness none of the gardeners saw you ! Can't 
 you plant it again to look as if it had not been 
 pulled up ? " 
 
 I replanted the weed as if it had been some- 
 thing rare. 
 
 " That looks all right," said Mollie, with her 
 head on one side. " Let's go and find Mr. 
 Hobbs and tell him." 
 
 We went in search of the head gardener, 
 whom we found digging in a corner of the vege- 
 table garden. He was an austere man, and 
 drew himself up with displeasure when Mollie 
 
 • See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 91 
 
 told him that we had found a weed in the bed 
 of white roses. 
 
 " White roses ! " he repeated. " What white 
 roses ? " 
 
 " The big ones/ 5 said Mollie. " I don't know 
 their name." 
 
 " Don't know their name ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Hobbs in a withering tone. " That's a nice 
 thing to acknowledge ! What is your brain for 
 unless you learn the names of things ? The 
 big white rose is a Frau Karl Druschki, and 
 don't you forget it. But you are a good girl 
 to come and tell me about the weed. What 
 weed was it now 3 " 
 
 " It was a dandelion," said Mollie, promptly. 
 
 But as we went away she confided to me 
 that she only hoped it was a dandelion.* " I 
 don't know anything about flowers," she said, 
 " and don't want to. I shan't have to bother 
 about all that sort of thing until I get older, 
 and have to have a garden of my own." 
 
 " Haven't you got a garden of your own ? " 
 I asked her. 
 
 She looked at me with eyes full of surprise. 
 " Why, I'm only twelve," she said. 
 
 Something in her expression, and the memory 
 of Miriam's look when I had mentioned the 
 garden, warned me not to pursue the subject. 
 
 • See Note. 
 
92 UPSIDONIA 
 
 There was some mystery here — it would almost 
 seem some mystery of sex. I must reserve 
 my enquiries for Edward. 
 
 We came to a large pool in the lower part of 
 the garden. It was bordered with irises and 
 reeds and other water-loving plants. 
 
 " I say ! " exclaimed Mollie, " would you 
 like to fish ? " 
 
 I thought the suggestion a good one. I wanted 
 to get some information out of Mollie, and I 
 could not expect a child of her age to sit down 
 in a chair and talk, even if the servants should 
 permit us to do so undisturbed. 
 
 "Til go and ask Sir Herbert to get us some 
 worms and rods," she said, and ran off on her 
 active black-stockinged legs. 
 
 She came back presently with the under- 
 gardener, who carried a couple of rods and a 
 tin of bait, and looked at me a little suspic- 
 iously as he said : " Now, Mollie, if you catch 
 anything, you've got to eat it. There's to be 
 no throwing back of fish into the pond." 
 
 Mollie promised that we would eat anything 
 that we might catch, and Sir Herbert went back 
 to his work. 
 
 When we were fairly settled, watching our 
 floats, I said : " This is rather jolly, isn't it ? 
 Do your cousins, who are poor, have such a 
 good time as you do ? " 
 
UPSIDONIA 93 
 
 " Oh, much better," she rephed. " They 
 can go and fish in the parks if they want to, 
 with their schoolfellows. I wish mother would 
 let me go to school. Tom does, and I don't 
 see why I shouldn't." 
 
 " But you can have your friends to play with 
 you here, can't you ? " 
 
 " I do sometimes. But they are not allowed 
 to come very often ; their mothers don't like 
 it." 
 
 " Why not ? " 
 
 " Oh, they think they might get to like luxury! " 
 
 She said this with an air of scorn, such as 
 children use towards ideas of their elders which 
 strike them as absurd. 
 
 " But they don't get to like luxury," I 
 hazarded. 
 
 "As if they would ! Fancy liking to be al- 
 ways changing your clothes, and having to 
 keep them clean !* Why, they tease me about 
 it, and offer to take away my toys ! " 
 
 " Take away your toys ! " 
 
 " Just as if I were really the child of rich par- 
 ents, and they had to be charitable to me ! " 
 
 " But don't you like having toys of your 
 own, Mollie ? " 
 
 " Not too many of them. Think of the rich 
 little i children whose nurses make them play 
 
 * See Note 
 
94 UPSIDONIA 
 
 with hundreds of dolls, when they only want 
 to play with one ! and are always telling them 
 how sad the doll-makers would be if they saw 
 them crying at having to play with the dolls 
 they had taken such pains to make ! " 
 
 She said this in imitation of a nurse's rebuke, 
 of which she had evidently had experience. 
 
 " But I'm sure little girls like to have some- 
 thing of their very own," I said. " And they 
 like new toys sometimes." 
 
 " Perhaps they may when they are very young. 
 But they soon get tired of it when they know 
 what it means. Why, Cynthia,* my cousin, 
 once said that she would like to be rich, and 
 have as many toys as she wanted, and her 
 mother simply filled the house with expensive 
 toys, and she had to play with them all. By 
 the time she had worn them out she was jolly 
 glad to get back to her old wooden doll, which 
 she could dress just as she liked, and always 
 take to bed with her. She was very careful 
 not to say anything more about wanting to 
 be rich after that." 
 
 So that was the system ! Children were 
 shown the satiety that comes from wealth, 
 and taught early to shun it. 
 
 " It's such a bore having to be charitable," 
 Mollie went on to confide in me. " When I 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 95 
 
 go visiting with mother I always have to bring 
 home something that some rich child or other 
 
 has got tired of. Still, if it pleases them ! 
 
 Oh, look ! I've got a bite ! " 
 
 But it was only a nibble. 
 
 I tried again. " Have you got a pony ? 
 I asked. 
 
 " Yes ; he's a dapple-grey ; his name is Bobby. 
 I will show him to you." 
 
 " Thank you. I like looking at ponies. I 
 suppose your cousins haven't got ponies to ride." 
 
 " They can ride in butchers' and bakers' carts. 
 That's much more fun. Besides, they have 
 ponies in the parks for poor children. 
 
 " Of course I love Bobby," she went on, as 
 I digested this piece of information. " But 
 it is rather hard not to be allowed to ride the 
 park ponies, or to go and play in the parks at 
 all, just because you have a garden and a pony 
 of your own." 
 
 " Oh, you are not allowed to go into the 
 parks ? "* 
 
 " Not unless I go to tea with somebody. I 
 do wish mother and father would leave off 
 pretending to be rich." 
 
 " Then you would have to leave this pretty 
 house and garden and go and live in a street." 
 
 " I should like that. There would be lots 
 
 • See Note. 
 
96 UPSIDONIA 
 
 of other girls and boys to play with. I say, 
 what time is it ? " 
 
 When I looked at my watch and told her 
 it was ten minutes past five, she jumped up in 
 consternation, and exclaimed : " Oh, come along 
 quickly. I didn't know it was five yet." 
 
 We hurried up through the garden, and met 
 Mr. Hobbs, who stopped us, and said severely : 
 " Didn't you hear the clock strike 1 ''' 
 
 " No," said Mollie. " We were busy talking. 
 I'm so sorry, Mr. Hobbs, I won't be late again." 
 
 " You said that yesterday," said Mr. Hobbs. 
 " And last week I caught you out here when 
 it was nearly six. The next time it happens 
 I'll give you a great big box of chocolate creams, 
 and see that you eat them all." 
 
 The explanation of this awful threat, as I 
 learnt later, was that the gardens of the rich 
 were given up to those who looked after them, 
 and their friends, after certain hours, and it 
 was not permitted to their owners to enter them. 
 
 As we went across the lawn, Sir Herbert 
 was stringing up the tennis net, and two of the 
 maids were standing talking to him. All three 
 of them looked at us with displeasure as we 
 scuttled by, and Mollie said : "I shall catch 
 it for this when I get in." 
 
CHAPTER XI 
 
 It was quite time for me to go and get ready to 
 join Mr. Perry. Indeed, it was more than time, 
 as I found when I went upstairs, and was greeted 
 by Lord Arthur with the remark that if I wasn't 
 in the hall ready for the carriage when it came 
 round I should hear about it. 
 
 But I found him a good deal more anxious 
 to be friendly than before, and presently dis- 
 covered that the reason for this was that it 
 had got about in the household that I was a 
 " Highlander." I did not contradict the re- 
 port, but refrained from giving him any in- 
 formation about where I really had come from, 
 for one thing because I didn't think he would 
 believe me, and for another because I thought 
 it might not be a bad thing to be looked upon 
 as the altogether superior being which the dwel- 
 lers in that remote part of Upsidonia were 
 evidently considered to be. 
 
 Fortunately, I was just ready to step into the 
 carriage when it came round, and thus escaped 
 an expression of censure from the coachman, 
 who drove of! quickly towards Culbut. 
 
 We picked up Mr. Perry, and as we drove on 
 97 g 
 
98 UPSIDONIA 
 
 to his club I managed to bring into the con- 
 versation a reference to the Highlands. He 
 expressed considerable surprise to hear that 
 I was an inhabitant of that region, which was 
 not altogether gratifying. But he explained 
 that, having first met me on the opposite side 
 of the city, it had not occurred to him that I 
 was a Highlander, otherwise he would cer- 
 tainly have guessed it from my perfect manners. 
 We arrived at the club very well pleased 
 with one another. It was a large building, 
 luxuriously furnished, but in very bad taste. 
 There were some atrocious pictures on the walls, 
 and the decorations were garish. 
 
 The big room into which we first went was 
 full of opulent-looking gentlemen, lounging in 
 easy chairs, drinking and smoking and talking 
 to one another. We joined a group of them, 
 and Mr. Perry introduced me to one or two, 
 addressing them in a genially patronising man- 
 ner. He did not tell them that I was a High- 
 lander, and I suppose they took me for one of 
 themselves, for their greeting was not cere- 
 monious. 
 
 However, one of them was good enough to 
 ask me what I would take, and I said a small 
 whisky and soda. This was brought by a 
 haughty-looking servant in a powdered wig 
 and crimson plush breeches, who held out his 
 
UPSIDONIA 99 
 
 salver, not to my entertainer but to me, and 
 I paid for my drink and his as well, as it seemed 
 to be expected of me. 
 
 The talk was all about money. One gentle- 
 man with thick lips and a hooked nose said 
 that he had done good business that afternoon. 
 He had bought ten thousand Northern Rail- 
 ways, having received private information that 
 the men had decided to strike for an all-round 
 decrease in wages, and they had fallen three 
 points when the news had become public. He 
 had dropped quite a tidy little sum. 
 
 Another man said that that sort of business 
 was too risky for him. He believed in doing 
 a steady safe business. If he lost fifteen per 
 cent on his capital every year he was quite 
 satisfied. 
 
 Another said he had been looking all his 
 life for a safe investment that would lose ten 
 per cent without your having to worry about 
 it, and he didn't believe it was to be found. 
 
 All these men talked in quite an uneducated 
 way, and their manners were not attractive. 
 They wore a good deal of heavy jewellery, and 
 clothes that looked as if they were new, but not 
 one of them looked or spoke like a gentleman. 
 
 Mr. Perry, who had taken his part in the con- 
 versation, and had been treated with some 
 deference, drew me away towards another group, 
 
100 UPSIDONIA 
 
 saying as we crossed the room that he wanted 
 me to see all sorts, and I must try to make my- 
 self as much one of them as possible. I should 
 now be introduced to some racing men. 
 
 But before we reached them, Mr. Perry 
 was hailed in a cheery but somewhat vinous 
 voice by a man who was reclining in the depths 
 of an easy chair by an open window, with a 
 table at his side on which was a bottle of Maras- 
 chino half empty, and a good-sized glass of the 
 same half full. His appearance was not markedly 
 different from that of dozens of elderly men 
 whom you may see after lunch at any London 
 club, taking their ease, and perhaps their little 
 nap, and never far removed in point of time 
 or space from refreshment of a spirituous nature. 
 He was sleek and well-groomed, and the tint 
 of his face was only a trifle more plum-coloured 
 than might betoken abstemious living. 
 
 4f Well, old Perry," said this cheerful gentle- 
 man in his mellow voice, but without shifting 
 his semi-recumbent position, " what are you 
 going to do to raise us this afternoon ? Come 
 and help me buzz this bottle, and show your 
 sympathy with the rich." 
 
 Mr. Perry seemed to look at the speaker, 
 the bottle, and me, all at the same time, but 
 with a different expression for each. 
 
 " Allow me," he said, " to introduce my 
 
UPSIDONIA 101 
 
 young friend, John Howard, who comes from 
 the Highlands — Lord Charles Delagrange. He 
 is anxious to see something of life amongst the 
 rich, and I am showing him round. Naturally, 
 he has never been in a place like this before, 
 and " 
 
 *' And we must behave ourselves, eh ? " in- 
 terrupted Lord Charles. " Come now, old Perry, 
 don't pretend to be above your company. 
 You don't like poverty any more than I do. 
 Sit down and make yourself comfortable, and 
 touch that bell for another glass — two more 
 glasses, if Mr. Howard will join us." 
 
 Mr. Perry touched the bell, as requested, 
 and said with an agreeable smile : " You will 
 have your little joke, Lord Charles. You know 
 very well that all self-indulgence is extremely 
 distasteful to me ; but in this place I do not 
 wish to put myself on a pedestal." 
 
 " You put yourself in that chair, old Perry," 
 said Lord Charles, indicating one only a little 
 less deep and easy than his own, " and don't 
 be a humbug. Well, Mr. Howard, this must 
 be an agreeable change to you from the High- 
 lands. You live on porridge and Plato there, 
 I believe. You did well to put yourself into 
 the hands of old Perry. He'll do you top notch 
 — nobody knows how to better than he — and 
 send you home to spread the gospel of high 
 
102 UPSIDONIA 
 
 living and plain thinking among the benighted 
 toilers with whom you have been brought up." 
 
 " I hope/' said Mr. Perry, " that Mr. Howard 
 will go back with no such lesson. If you are 
 going to try to persuade him that my efforts 
 to uplift the wealthy classes are a cloak for 
 vicious desires of my own, Lord Charles, I 
 shall not shrink from holding you up to him 
 as an example of what to avoid." 
 
 Lord Charles hoisted himself up in his seat 
 to pour out three glasses of the liqueur. " Fire 
 away, old Perry," he said. " Tell him my 
 awful story. But get outside this first ; it 
 will do you a world of good." 
 
 Mr. Perry got outside it, and began : 
 
 " Lord Charles is a younger son of the late 
 Duke of Trumps, a man respected and beloved 
 for his many virtues." 
 
 " A fine old boy, my governor," Lord Charles 
 agreed, " and the best hedger and ditcher to 
 be found in Upsidonia. But he liked his glass 
 of beer, old Perry ; don't forget that. Don't 
 forget that he liked his glass of beer." 
 
 " I have no doubt that his Grace permitted 
 himself moderate relaxation after the labours 
 of the day were over," said Mr. Perry. " But 
 it would have shocked him deeply to know 
 that a son of his would ever sink to the level 
 of glorying in a life of ease and sloth." 
 
UPSIDONIA 103 
 
 " I dare say it would," said Lord Charles, 
 indulgently. " I dare say it would. You're not 
 smoking, old Perry. Try one of these weeds; 
 they're in very good condition. I'll do the 
 same by you some day." 
 
 Mr. Perry accepted a cigar, lit it, and con- 
 tinued : 
 
 " Lord Charles, here, was brought up to an 
 agricultural career, which is a tradition in 
 his family. There are no better farm-labourers 
 in Upsidonia than the Delagranges, and his 
 brother, the present Duke of Trumps, who 
 is a carter, has several times taken the first 
 prize at the May Day parade of cart-horses. 
 But Lord Charles grew tired of that simple, 
 uplifting life." 
 
 " Have you ever tried uplifting hay on to a 
 stack all through a long summer day ? " asked 
 Lord Charles, " or getting up at five o'clock 
 on a winter's morning to look after somebody 
 else's horses ? Yes, I got tired of it." 
 
 " His temptation came," said Mr. Perry, 
 " when he went on to a farm on the Downs, 
 near Pepsom, and attended his first race-meet- 
 mg. 
 
 " Never touched a winner all day," said Lord 
 Charles, " and came away with a pot of money." 
 
 " Which, of course, he had to spend," said 
 Mr. Perry. "It is often the beginning of such 
 
104 UPSIDONIA 
 
 a downfall as his. He allowed himself to take 
 a pleasure in surreptitious spending, and when 
 his father, the duke, died, he threw up his 
 situation and became a man about town." 
 
 " Haven't a care in the world," said Lord 
 Charles, " except the confounded inspectors. 
 But they are never hard on a man of my birth, 
 and I manage to escape accumulating more 
 than I can conveniently spend. The fact is, 
 Mr. Howard, I hate work, and I like making 
 myself comfortable. There are plenty of others 
 like me. Old Perry is one of them, but, of 
 course, he has a family, and must keep up ap- 
 pearances." 
 
 " Mr. Howard already knows me too well 
 not to believe that all I do is dictated by humani- 
 tarianism," said Mr. Perry. " Lord Charles 
 is cut off from the society of his equals. His 
 family has disowned him. At first they com- 
 bined to take small sums of money from him, 
 and tried to help him out of the morass into 
 which he had sunk. But they have long since 
 given it up. He now, as you see, wallows 
 — absolutely wallows — in his degradation, and 
 I fear he is past all hope." 
 
 " Not a bit," said Lord Charles, again hoist- 
 ing himself in his chair. "lam hoping to have 
 a very good dinner to-night, and another one 
 to-morrow. Now I am going to play bridge. 
 
UPSIDONIA 105 
 
 I don't know whether you would care for a rub- 
 ber, Mr. Howard ? " 
 
 For some reason Mr. Perry seemed to desire 
 me to accept this invitation. He said he had 
 some important business to think over, and 
 we might leave him where he was. 
 
 " Old Perry can't put away the liquor he 
 used to," said Lord Charles, as we went out 
 of the room. " He's had too much of it. He 
 wants a little nap now. He's a nice old fellow, 
 and you'll have a good time at Magnolia Hall 
 as long as you stay there." 
 
CHAPTER XII 
 
 The card-room was well occupied. We cut 
 into a table with two other men, one of whom 
 was the stockbroker who had made the lucky 
 coup that afternoon, and the other was a dis- 
 agreeable sort of fellow who, I learnt afterwards, 
 had inherited a great deal of money and had 
 done little all his life to diminish it. His name 
 was Brummer ; he had the manners of a coster- 
 monger, and not of one in the higher walks 
 of that calling, if there are such. 
 
 Lord Charles treated both of them with a 
 careless good-nature which seemed to subdue 
 somewhat the exuberance of their vulgarity ; 
 but I thought that before we made up our 
 table they looked about as if they would rather 
 have joined another one. And it was evident 
 that they suspected me of being what Brum- 
 mer called contemptuously " a philan- 
 thropist," when the stockbroker told him I 
 had come into the club with Mr. Perry. 
 
 Lord Charles was my partner, and I took the 
 precaution of asking him what the points were 
 to be, before we began. 
 
 106 
 
UPS1D0NIA 107 
 
 " Oh, club points — a sovereign," he said, 
 in an off-hand manner, and I could only hope 
 that my luck would stand good, for they were 
 much higher than I was accustomed to. 
 
 However, I had over ten pounds in my pocket 
 and did not suppose that there would be much 
 difficulty in getting more in Upsidonia if I 
 wanted it. So I sat down with no particular 
 uneasiness. 
 
 It was a long rubber, but it ended in Lord 
 Charles leaving the declaration to me, and 
 my declaring " no trumps," with four aces 
 and a long suit of diamonds. 
 
 When he had expressed his satisfaction, and 
 Brummer had sworn heavily at our luck, I 
 leant back in my chair to watch him play the 
 hand. 
 
 He was just about to begin, when there was 
 some commotion in the room, and I looked 
 up to see two men in blue uniforms coming 
 towards us with notebooks in their hands. 
 
 Brummer let out a violent oath, and mut- 
 tered something about the inspectors. 
 
 Lord Charles looked up at them and said : 
 " Hullo ! Come for a drink ? " 
 
 They ignored this pleasantry, and the super- 
 ior of them asked what stakes we were playing 
 for. 
 
 " Club stakes, of course," said Brummer. 
 
108 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " Pound points, and a hundred on the rub- 
 ber." 
 
 This was a most unpleasant shock to me, 
 until I reflected that the rubber was certainly 
 ours by the cards on the table, and I need not 
 play another one. So I was enabled to give 
 my attention to the inspector, who enquired 
 if I was a member of the club, and, when I 
 said that I was a visitor, asked the name of 
 my introducer. 
 
 Then he looked at the table and said : " None 
 of you are drinking anything. When did you 
 last imbibe ? " 
 
 " A good idea ! " said Lord Charles. " Let's 
 have drinks all round. What's yours, In- 
 spector ? " 
 
 The inspector smiled indulgently, and went 
 away to another table. Brummer and the 
 other man immediately became violently 
 abusive. 
 
 " They wouldn't dare put their noses into 
 a poor man's club," said Brummer ; and the 
 other man asked : " Why should we be forced 
 to drink, if we don't want to ? " 
 
 " I always do want to," said Lord Charles. 
 " I want a whisky and soda now as much as 
 I ever wanted anything in my life. You'll 
 join me, Mr. Howard ? " 
 
 But I declined. There were limits. 
 
UPSIDONIA 109 
 
 " Why do they insist upon your drinking ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " Oh, because it's a club, and the wine-mer- 
 chants have been kicking up a row lately. 
 They say the supply is beginning to exceed the 
 demand ;* that we're getting abstemious, but 
 I'm sure I don't know where they get their in- 
 formation from. Now then — you've led a spade, 
 Brummer. Very good. I put on the ace. 
 I play out Dummy's seven diamonds and his 
 two other aces ; put myself in with a small club, 
 and make my king, queen, and knave — grand 
 slam." 
 
 He put his cards down on the table, and 
 Brummer and his partner, after looking at them 
 suspiciously, accepted the inevitable, and pro- 
 ceeded to add up the score. 
 
 We had won two hundred and thirty four 
 points, and quite a pleasant feeling came over 
 me as I contemplated receiving that number 
 of pounds. 
 
 But my satisfaction was short-lived. To my 
 unspeakable horror, I saw Lord Charles cheer- 
 fully handing over bank notes and gold to the 
 stockbroker, and realised that I was expected 
 to do the same to the odious Brummer. I 
 ought to have anticipated it. If you won at 
 anything in Upsidonia, of course, you paid 
 out money ; if you lost, you received it. 
 
 * fee Note. 
 
110 UPSIDONIA 
 
 What was I to do ? In my distress I mum- 
 bled something about having thought that 
 the points were a pound a hundred, and then a 
 gleam of relief came to me when it struck me 
 that Brummer would be better pleased than 
 anything at my omitting to pay him, espec- 
 ially as he had bitterly complained at his want 
 of luck in losing the rubber, as ill-bred players 
 always do, and had made himself intensely 
 disagreeable to his partner for losing a possible 
 trick at an earlier point of the game. 
 
 But unfortunately, Brummer took my evident 
 unwillingness to pay up as an offensive mark 
 of patronage. 
 
 " We don't want none of your blooming 
 charity here," he said. " 'Oo the something, 
 something are you, to come 'ere crowing over 
 us '{ If you win a rubber in this 'ere club, 
 you fork out same as if you was playing with 
 the nobs." 
 
 " Oh, yes, Howard," said Lord Charles, " you 
 needn't be shy. Brummer don't mind taking 
 it a bit. Why, it's a fleabite to him. He's 
 got a hundred thousand sitting on his chest 
 at home." 
 
 " But I tell you I haven't got it," I said. 
 " I've only got about fifteen pounds in the 
 world." 
 
 " Well, then, what do you want to come 
 
UPSIDONIA 111 
 
 poking yourself in 'ere for in that rig out ? " 
 enquired Brummer with more oaths. " We 
 ain't a wild beast show, are we ? I thought 
 there was something fishy about you when 
 Perry first brought you in." 
 
 " What's this ? What's this ? " exclaimed 
 a voice at my elbow. " I say, Brummer, 
 my man, don't forget yourself, you know. 
 No language ! It's one of the rules of the club, 
 to which we have all subscribed." 
 
 I looked round to see standing behind me 
 an athletic-looking young man in the dress 
 of a curate.* 
 
 " Ah, Thompson ! " said Lord Charles. 
 " Come to see we're all behaving ourselves, 
 eh ? It's all right. Brummer was just going 
 to write out a U. 0. Me to give to Mr. Howard. 
 Here's a fountain pen, Brummer. You can 
 write it on the back of the score." 
 
 Brummer scrawled " U. 0. Me £234 " and 
 signed his name to it in an execrable fist, and 
 I put it in my pocket, wondering what I was 
 to do about it. Then Brummer and the stock- 
 broker got up and left the table. 
 
 Lord Charles introduced me to Mr. Thomp- 
 son, and then drifted off himself, with a sort 
 of determined carelessness. 
 Somewhat to my surprise, Mr. Thompson 
 
 * See Note. 
 
112 UPSIDONIA 
 
 gripped me affectionately by the arm just 
 above the elbow, and led me out of the room. 
 " Very pleased to make your acquaintance, old 
 fellow," he said heartily. " You and I must 
 get to know each other better. Some night, 
 when you've got nothing better to do, you 
 must come round to my digs and have a yarn, 
 and a cup of coffee. Now, what have you been 
 doing with yourself all day ? " 
 
 I was led into the big room again, and de- 
 posited in a chair, from which I could see Mr. 
 Perry slumbering by the window in the evening 
 sunlight, while the curate took one next to me, 
 in which he sat upright, with his legs crossed, 
 and his thumbs in the armholes of his waist- 
 coat. 
 
 " After all," he said, looking at me with manly 
 but somewhat embarrassing tenderness, " smok- 
 ing and drinking and playing cards aren't 
 everything in the world, are they ? You feel 
 that yourself, I know. It's so jolly to feel 
 you've done something with your day — some- 
 thing to raise a pal." 
 
 I muttered something to the effect that it was 
 rather jolly ; but he did not seem to want me 
 particularly to help in the conversation. 
 
 " Do you take any interest in Coleoptera ? " 
 he asked, and proceeded, clasping his hands 
 and cracking their joints : " Coleoptera is larks. 
 
UPSIDONIA 113 
 
 A few fellows come round to me every Tues- 
 day evening, and we teach each other something 
 about the beggars. How would you like to 
 join us to-night ? " 
 
 " I don't know where it is," I said. 
 
 He gave me the address of his rooms, with a 
 half-concealed air of eagerness. 
 
 " I mean I don't know where Coleoptera is," 
 I said. " I never could tackle geography." 
 
 " Oh, I see ! " he said, not turning a hair, 
 for which I respected him. " No, you've got 
 it wrong, old chap. Coleoptera is beetles., you 
 know. The fact is that I wanted to get up some 
 subject that would give fellows like you a taste 
 for science. There's a good deal to be lost 
 over it, you know. Have you ever heard of 
 Professor Gregory ? He began just like that, 
 reading with a parson fellow who took an in- 
 terest in him — I mean, took an interest in science. 
 Gregory was the son of a ground landlord, 
 you know, and if he could raise himself to what 
 he is now, anybody could. Why don't you 
 try it, old chap ? I'm sure you look intel- 
 ligent enough." 
 
 " I looked as modest as possible under the 
 circumstances, and he seemed to regard me 
 more closely. " What's your line ? " he asked. 
 " What are you doing to scare of! the oof- 
 bird ? "* 
 
 * See Note. h 
 
114 UPSIDONIA 
 
 I don't know what I should have replied to 
 this question, but at that moment, Mr. Perry, 
 whom I had observed gradually waking up, 
 came over to us and said : " Ah, Howard, I 
 see you're in good hands, but I think we must 
 be going off now. The carriage is at the door, 
 and my good Thomas won't like to be kept 
 waiting." 
 
 The curate looked at me again, with a slightly 
 different expression, and Mr. Perry said to him : 
 " We don't often get a Highlander here, do 
 we, Thompson ? Mr. Howard is making social 
 enquiries. I daresay he has learnt quite a 
 lot from you." 
 
 The curate suddenly laughed. " I am afraid 
 I have put my foot in it, sir," he said. " If 
 you come among us disguised as a rich man, 
 you can't complain of being treated like one."* 
 
 He was a good fellow, and we shook hands 
 warmly as we parted. 
 
 * See Note. 
 
CHAPTER XIII 
 
 We arrived home in time to dress for dinner. 
 Lord Arthur had laid out my evening clothes, 
 and was still in the room, evidently ready for 
 a little conversation. 
 
 " Well, I suppose you met some pretty low 
 down swabs at old Perry's club," he began. 
 " What did you do there ? " 
 
 " I played bridge/' I said, " and lost — I 
 mean won — two hundred and thirty four pounds. 
 I have accepted a U. 0. Me for it. What do 
 you do if you haven't got the money ? ' ; 
 
 " Why, wait till you get landed with some, 
 and swop it off. You're jolly lucky ! It's 
 a dangerous game. Why, you might have had 
 to receive it ! Who did you play with ? " 
 
 " Lord Charles Delagrange was my partner. 
 Do you know him ? " 
 
 His face changed. " He's my uncle, I'm 
 sorry to say," he said stiffly. " But if I were 
 to meet him in the street I should look the 
 other way. He's a swab of the first water." 
 
 " He seems cheerful enough," I said, " and 
 enjoys his life thoroughly, to all appearances." 
 
 1X5 
 
116 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " I dare say he does. But there must be times 
 when he asks himself whether the company 
 he keeps is worth the price he pays for it. He 
 can't get any other. I shouldn't think there's 
 a servants' hall in the country that would be 
 open to him now." 
 
 " I suppose the best society in the place is 
 to be found in the servants' hall." 
 
 " Of course it is — the best female society. 
 You must come and dine with us one night 
 here. We'll give you a very poor dinner." 
 
 " Thank you. You are very kind." 
 
 " Not at all. Of course, it's a little different 
 in this house. We have to keep up the farce, 
 and we don't like to put people like the Perrys 
 out. We generally choose a night for our 
 parties when they are dining out. In other 
 houses you can just tell them upstairs that there 
 won't be any regular dinner for them, when 
 you think of having guests of your own." 
 
 At that moment Edward came into the room, 
 and Lord Arthur left us, saying that he must 
 go and help Mr. Blother with the table. 
 
 Edward seemed a trifle disturbed. " I say," 
 he said, " what is all this about your being a 
 Highlander ? " 
 
 " Well, Miss Miriam and I settled it between 
 ourselves that England must be in the High- 
 lands somewhere," I explained. 
 
UPSIDONIA 117 
 
 He looked at me with some suspicion. " It's 
 all very well to have a joke," he said, " and 
 the story you made up to me was certainly 
 very ingenious and amusing, though highly 
 absurd. But I don't think you ought to want 
 to keep it up any longer. It amused Miriam, 
 but there's always the danger, where a young 
 girl lives in such surroundings as these, that 
 she may get a taste for luxury. You ought 
 not to make it out to her that people could 
 live anywhere in the way you pretend without 
 disgrace. It is apt to confound right and 
 wrong." 
 
 " My dear fellow," I said, " I quite see your 
 point. But Miss Miriam is so level-headed 
 that I am sure she would never be affected 
 in that way." 
 
 "Perhaps not," he said. "Still, I think 
 it is time you dropped it. Of course, I shouldn't 
 dream of asking you where you really do come 
 from, if you don't want to tell me. It is quite 
 obvious that you are well-born and well-educated, 
 and that is enough for me." 
 
 " My dear Edward, if you will let me call 
 you so, I appreciate your delicacy. All I have 
 told you is true, but I have not the slightest 
 wish to publish it abroad if you think it would 
 be better that I shouldn't." 
 
 " I think it is much better that you shouldn't, 
 
118 UPSIDONIA 
 
 unless you wish to lie under the suspicion of 
 being touched in the head." 
 
 " No, I don't wish that at all. As I am al- 
 ready supposed to be a Highlander, suppose 
 we keep to that/' 
 
 " Well, if you like," he said, unwillingly. 
 " But if you are supposed to have come from 
 the Highlands, you ought to be more than 
 a little learned. I wonder you haven't already 
 been asked what your subject is. Is there 
 any branch of learning in which you are an 
 expert ? " 
 
 " I took a First Class in the Classical Schools 
 of my university, and am a Fellow of my Col- 
 lege, if you know what that means." 
 
 His face brightened.* " Of course, you are 
 a Highlander," he said, with a smile. " I 
 don't know why you want to make such a 
 mystery of it; I suppose it is out of modesty. 
 Well, I won't bother you any more ; I must go 
 and dress. My married sister, by the by, is 
 coming to dine with her husband. He is a very 
 good fellow, and I am sure you will get on with 
 him. He is striving hard to overcome the 
 defects of his birth. You remember that I 
 told you my sister had married into the Stock 
 Exchange." 
 
 I found the family assembled in the drawing- 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 119 
 
 room. I was quite pleased to see Miriam again. 
 I thought she looked very sweet in her white 
 frock. She had a lovely neck and shoulders, 
 and her hair was very soft and fair. She smiled 
 at me as I came in, in a friendly fashion, and 
 seemed quite to have forgotten that a slight 
 cloud had hung over us when we had last parted. 
 I remembered that I had not yet pumped 
 Edward about the mystery of the garden. 
 
 I was introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Eppstein. 
 Mr. Perry's eldest daughter must have been 
 some years older than Miriam. She was good- 
 looking, but wore a prim pinched-up expres- 
 sion. Her husband looked nervous. He was 
 a youngish dark man, with a small moustache 
 and hot hands. He said : " I am very pleased 
 to make your acquaintance, sir," when we 
 were introduced. 
 
 I took in Mrs. Perry, and had Miriam on the 
 other side of me. Owing to the smallness 
 of the party, Mr. and Mrs. Eppestein sat next 
 to one another, on the other side of the table. 
 
 Curiously enough, the question I had been 
 meaning to ask of Edward was answered for 
 me during the conversation with which we began. 
 
 " I have a piece of news for you," said Mrs. 
 Eppstein, to the company generally. " They 
 say that Lady Grace Perkins has asked Sir 
 Hugo Merton into her garden. 
 
120 UPSIDONIA 
 
 Everyone expressed that sort of interest 
 with which the news of an unexpected engage- 
 ment is received. 
 
 M Hugo Merton ! " exclaimed Lord Arthur, 
 who was handing round the soup. " Why, 
 I thought he was always hanging round little 
 Rosie Fletcher's gate." 
 
 " She wouldn't give him the invitation he 
 wanted," said Mr. Blother, " and I suppose 
 he got tired of waiting for it. A glass of sherry, 
 Edward ? " 
 
 " No thank you," said Edward. " Didn't 
 Lady Grace ask John Hardy into her garden 
 last summer 1 " 
 
 " Yes," said Mrs. Eppestein ; " it was he 
 who told Herman." She turned to her husband. 
 " The large spoon, pet," she whispered, and 
 then asked aloud : " Didn't he say that her 
 garden was very badly kept, dear ? ' ; 
 
 Mr. Eppstein blushed awkwardly. " He said 
 it wasn't so tyesty as some he'd been in," he 
 said. 
 
 This reply caused some slight embarrass- 
 ment, which Mr. Perry sought to dissipate 
 by saying : " John Hardy has certainly re- 
 ceived invitations from a good many ladies. 
 No doubt he has a way with him." 
 
 "It is quite time he asked for a key," said 
 Mrs. Perry, somewhat severely. "It is not 
 
UPSIDONIA 121 
 
 fair on nice girls that he should go from one 
 garden to another as he does. And it is very 
 ill-bred to talk about them to others." 
 
 " I didn't arst 'im abaht it/' said Mr. Epp- 
 stein. 
 
 Ask/ pet, not ' arst/ whispered his wife. 
 
 Mr. Eppstein accepted the correction. " I 
 didn't ask him," he said. " I fancy he was 
 upset like at getting the chuck, and wanted 
 to sye somethink narsty." 
 
 " Very likely that was it," said Mr. Perry, 
 covering Mrs. Eppstein's further corrections. 
 " Well, I am sure I hope Lady Grace and Sir 
 Hugo will be happy together, and that it will 
 end in his asking her for a key. He wants 
 a wife, and a home of his own. Our friend, 
 Sir Hugo, is employed in a large drapery es- 
 tablishment, Mr. Howard, where they have the 
 system of living in. You don't know anything 
 about that over the mountains." 
 
 " And you don't know anything about my 
 lady's garden, either," said Edward, leaning 
 forward to address me across his sister. " I 
 suppose you hardly understand what we have 
 been talking about ? " 
 
 " I have gathered something of what it means," 
 I said, glad to be able to avow my ignorance, 
 for Miriam's benefit, " but I didn't know be- 
 fore. I suppose if a lady asks a man into her 
 
122 UPSIDONIA 
 
 garden, it means that she — she likes him ? ,: 
 
 " She would not do it," said Mrs. Perry, 
 " unless he had first shown that he liked her, 
 and would be glad to have the invitation." 
 
 " Rather a delicate subject for conversation 
 at the dinner-table, isn't it ? " put in Mr. Bloth- 
 er, from the carving table, where he was slic- 
 ing the salmon. " Why not let the men explain 
 it when the ladies have left the room ? " 
 
 This suggestion was acceded to, and we 
 talked on other subjects as long as the ladies 
 were with us. 
 
 Mrs. Eppstein seemed anxious that I should 
 understand that, although she had married 
 beneath her, she had not done it for fun, so to 
 speak. She talked a great deal about lifting 
 the richer classes, and her husband seemed 
 quite to fall in with her views upon the sub- 
 ject. I noticed that as dinner progressed he 
 drank considerably more wine than Edward 
 did, though not so much as Mr. Perry, and was 
 inclined to take a larger share in the conver- 
 sation than at the beginning. 
 
 The subject of the servants* was introduced 
 over dessert, and Eppstein waxed eloquent 
 and indignant at being expected to give up the 
 use of his library after dinner, because the 
 housemaid was reading up for matriculation 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 123 
 
 at the Culbut University, and wanted a quiet 
 room to work in. 
 
 " Well, of course, we can sit in the drawing- 
 room/ 5 said Mrs. Eppstein. " I don't mind 
 that so much. But what I really had to put 
 down my foot about the other day was the 
 new parlour-maid objecting to Herman and 
 me talking together at meals. I said, ' It 
 may be quite reasonable to impose silence 
 upon the usual rich and vulgar family, but 
 I should never think of submitting to such a 
 rule myself/ And then she had the impudence 
 to say that she didn't mind my talking, and I 
 could talk to her if I liked, but the master's 
 accent was so disagreeable that it unfitted her 
 for her work. I told her that my husband 
 and I were one, and that if I could put up with 
 it she could." 
 
 " Domestic servants are not what they were," 
 said Mrs. Perry. There used to be something 
 like friendship between them and their mis- 
 tresses. I know many ladies, who went out 
 to service as girls, who still visit their old mis- 
 tresses, and even ask them to their own houses. 
 But that kindly feeling is getting rare nowadays. 
 I do not think it is all the fault of the mistresses, 
 either, although with the spread of education, 
 they are certainly getting very uppish." 
 
 " I think that it is entirely the fault of the 
 
124 UPSIDONIA 
 
 servants," said Edward. " The rich are not 
 content now to be mere drudges, and to spend 
 their lives on being waited on hand and foot. 
 And it is not right that they should be. Ser- 
 vants are really a parasitical class, and it is 
 unfair that the burden of providing them with 
 work should be put upon the rich, when they 
 are so overburdened already with having to 
 consume more than their fair share of the pro- 
 duce of the country." 
 
 " There'll be a strike some day," said Epp- 
 stein, rather excitedly. " You mark my words. 
 If the rich was to combine together and say 
 they wouldn't eat no more than they wanted to, 
 and all was to agree to chuck the food they didn't 
 want away, p'raps the poor would think twice 
 about piling it up on them." 
 
 " That would be a serious day for the country," 
 said Mr. Perry. " We must work by legiti- 
 mate means, not anarchy. The solution of 
 the problem of overproduction can only come, 
 I feel sure, by more individual members of the 
 community sympathising with the rich, and 
 sharing their lives, as we try to do here. It 
 is not easy, I know. I have spent my own 
 time in a humble endeavour to lead the way, 
 but sometimes I am rather inclined to sink 
 under the burden. I have my moments of de- 
 jection. There are times when I feel as if I 
 
UPSIDONIA 125 
 
 positively cannot face the prospect of another 
 rich meal." 
 
 He sat at the foot of the table with his shirt- 
 front crumpled and eyes slightly glazed, and 
 it was not difficult to believe that this was one 
 of the moments he had so feelingly alluded to, 
 in which his philanthropic efforts sat heavily 
 on him. 
 
 But Edward, who had been as abstemious 
 as had been permitted him, leant forward and 
 put his hand on his father's. " Cheer up, dad/' 
 he said. " You are doing a noble work ; you 
 must not faint under it." 
 
 "I do feel rather faint," said Mr. Perry. 
 " I wish Blother would bring the brandy." 
 
 The ladies left us at this point, and Edward, 
 who was in a mood of harangue, went into 
 this question of food, which counted for so much 
 in the economic problems of Upsidonia. 
 
 " You see, it must all come down to that 
 in the end," he said. " Agricultural and pas- 
 toral pursuits are so much sought after that 
 the over-production of food is the most serious 
 item in the general over-production of the 
 country. The cry of ' back to the towns ' 
 is all very well, but people won't live in artificial 
 surroundings if they have once tasted the pleasure 
 and excitement of hard bodily toil ; and you can't 
 make them." 
 
126 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " Well, you wouldn't like it yourself for long," 
 said Eppstein, " not if you know when you're 
 well off. 'Ow did you get 'ere from the 'Igh- 
 lands ? Walk ? Tell us abaht it." 
 
 We were going to tell Howard about my 
 lady's garden," said Edward. " You see, How- 
 ard, in the country there is room for everybody, 
 and the young men and young girls can go 
 courting in a natural way, in lanes with briar 
 hedges and nightingales and the moon, and 
 all that sort of thing. They can secure the 
 necessary privacy. But in towns there is so 
 little privacy. It is the one thing in which 
 the rich are really better of! than the poor, 
 because they have large houses and gardens 
 of their own." 
 
 " Which seem to belong more to their ser- 
 vants than to them," I said. 
 
 " Well, of course, the servants have to be 
 considered. I am not an extremist, and I do 
 not advocate, as some do, that property should 
 carry no disadvantages other than those ob- 
 viously inherent in it. If the rich, for instance, 
 were allowed to surround themselves with the 
 gracious things of life — space, freedom, flowers, 
 art, leisure for study and self-improvement — 
 without the checks that a wise State has im- 
 posed upon the abuse of those things, the in- 
 centive to break loose from the bonds of property 
 
UPSIDONIA 127 
 
 would be lessened. Don't you agree with me, 
 Herman ? " 
 
 " It's a bore, sometimes, to 'ave to eat too 
 much," Eppstein corroborated him. 
 
 " Quite so ! " said Mr. Perry, awakening 
 suddenly out of a species of trance. " Quite 
 so, Herman ! Then why eat too much ? I 
 ask you — why eat too much ? " 
 
 " 'Cos the State makes you," said Eppstein. 
 
 " Ah ! " said Mr. Perry, wagging his head 
 with an expression of deep wisdom. " But 
 now you're talking politics." He then relapsed 
 into his former air of aloofness. 
 
 " Well, to come back to my lady's garden," 
 said Edward. " It is generally acknowledged 
 that it is a good thing for young girls to be 
 alone sometimes, and in beautiful surround- 
 ings, so that they may feed their minds on 
 beautiful thoughts. So every girl in the towns, 
 when she reaches a certain age, has a garden 
 of her own given to her, which she has to look 
 after entirely herself. She can retire into it 
 whenever she pleases, and nobody may break 
 in on her privacy. When she accepts the at- 
 tentions of a man, she invites him into her 
 garden, and if the intimacy between them stands 
 the test, by and by he asks her for a key. If 
 she consents to give him one, he has the right 
 to enter her garden whenever he pleases." 
 
128 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " A very pretty notion," I said, thinking 
 all the time how dreadfully forward I must 
 have seemed to Miriam in asking her to show 
 me the garden — which she must naturally have 
 taken to mean her garden — after about an 
 hour's acquaintance, and wondering how soon 
 I could get her to ask me to see it of her own 
 accord. 
 
 Eppstein laughed, rather vulgarly. " You 
 should see the old maids standing with their 
 garden gates wide open," he said. 
 
 " Oh, not all of them, Herman," expostulated 
 Edward. " And some of the old maids' gar- 
 dens are as beautifully kept as any young 
 girl's, and it is quite a privilege to be invited 
 into them. You are not expected to ask for 
 a key, and if you did they wouldn't give you 
 one." 
 
 " Oh, wouldn't they ! " exclaimed Eppstein. 
 " You try, my boy. Now look 'ere, I'll tell 
 you. When I was courtin' Amelia " 
 
 But he did not continue his reminiscences, 
 for Mr. Perry, suddenly emerging from his 
 gloomy trance, sang with a happy smile : 
 
 " When I married A-me-li-ar, Rum-ti tum- 
 ti turn," — and then laughed consumedly. 
 
 We all shared in his hilarity, and when he 
 had relapsed once more into his solemn and 
 even dejected mood, with the same sudden- 
 
UPSIDONIA 129 
 
 ness as he had emerged from it, I asked : " Do 
 they give up their gardens when they marry ? " 
 
 " Seldom at once/' said Edward. " They 
 need not give them up at all, and there are 
 cases of old men and women still keeping up 
 the gardens in which they first made love to 
 one another, and retiring to them frequently. 
 But in practice they are generally given up 
 within a year or so. They haven't the time 
 to look after them." 
 
 At this point Mr. Perry said that he felt 
 rather giddy. He thought he had done rather 
 too much during the day, and would be better 
 in bed. So Mr. Blother was summoned to help 
 him upstairs, and we went into the drawing- 
 room without him. 
 
 We talked, and Miriam played to us. It 
 was delightful to sit by the open window, look- 
 ing out on to the lovely garden, which lay 
 mysterious under a sky of spangled velvet, 
 and listen to the sweet music she made. 
 
 By and by I felt that I did not want to talk 
 any more, and fortunately I was left to myself 
 for a time, where I could see the garden, and by 
 turning my head could also see Miriam, her 
 fair hair irradiated by the shaded lamp that 
 stood by the piano. 
 
 Soft thoughts began to steal over me — very 
 soft thoughts, and very sweet ones. I thought 
 
130 UPSIDONIA 
 
 how delightful it would be to sit every evening 
 like this and listen to Miriam playing ; and still 
 more delightful if there should come a time 
 when she would shut the piano and come across 
 the room and put her hand on my shoulder, 
 and look out on to the moonlight lawn and the 
 dark shrubs and the starry sky with me; and 
 neither of us would want to speak, but only to 
 feel that the other was there. 
 
 And the night before I had spent in prison, 
 and had not even known that there was such a 
 girl as Miriam ! 
 
CHAPTER XIV 
 
 It was about a week after I had been welcomed 
 into the Perry family that we were all asked to 
 take high tea at the house of Mrs. Perry's sis- 
 ter, the Countess of Blueberry. 
 
 The most important thing that had happened 
 in the meantime was that I had fallen deeply 
 in love with Miriam. We had been much to- 
 gether, and our conversations had largely con- 
 cerned themselves with the curious state of 
 things obtaining in the country from which 
 I had come. Miriam was deeply interested in 
 what I told her, but I had to be very careful. 
 In some respects she became more and more 
 inclined to approve of a country in which wealth 
 might be used to lessen care, instead of increas- 
 ing it, and in which even the richest were un- 
 der no cloud of inferiority. The pictures I 
 painted of English life under conditions of mone- 
 tary ease appealed alike to her natural tastes, 
 of which in Upsidonia she had to be ashamed, 
 if she were to show right feeling, and to the phil- 
 anthropic ideals in which she had been brought 
 up. She could never get it out of her mind 
 that we showed great nobility of behaviour 
 
 131 
 
132 UPSIDONIA 
 
 in treating rich people with a total absence 
 of contempt, and I did not desire that she 
 should, although I insisted upon the fact it- 
 self. 
 
 But every now and again I came up against 
 a painful shrinking. I had to be extraordinar- 
 ily careful how I dealt with the subject of food, 
 for instance, and I think that if I had ever 
 described to her a city banquet, or even a col- 
 lege feast, I should have wiped out at a stroke 
 all the admiration she was inclined to show 
 for the habits and customs of my beloved coun- 
 try. 
 
 But short as had been the time since I had 
 come to Magnolia Hall, I had already adapted 
 myself somewhat to the Upsidonian point of 
 view — indeed, a good deal more than I should 
 have thought possible. 
 
 In the matter of food and drink, I was now 
 inclined to despise the delicate living that I 
 had at first taken such pleasure in. I can only 
 say on my own behalf — if I have seemed to 
 represent myself as greedier than I will confess 
 to being — that I had been living a hard active 
 life for some weeks past, and was in the most 
 abounding physical health ; also that Mrs. Lemon, 
 the Perrys' cook, was a supreme artist.* After 
 all, my usual life was necessarily abstemious, 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 133 
 
 and it had happened to me before to get very 
 tired of luxurious living, when I had been staying 
 with friends accustomed to it, and to go back 
 to my own moderate habits with relief . 
 
 So I now ate and drank sparingly at Magnolia 
 Hall, and was inclined to feel the same disgust 
 towards those who did neither as was com- 
 monly expressed around me. And it did not 
 any longer seem curious to me that contempt 
 for luxury should be a general and genuine 
 feeling in Upsidonia. It was encouraged by 
 constant expression, and those who might be 
 temperamentally inclined towards what is called 
 " doing themselves well," were ashamed of 
 indulging their inclinations out of respect for 
 public opinion.* 
 
 In the matter of clothes I had also somewhat 
 changed my point of view. It is gratifying to 
 feel one's self well-dressed, if everyone is well- 
 dressed around one ; but if one is not suitably 
 dressed as well, the gratification disappears. 
 It was not long before I began to feel, walking 
 about the streets of Culbut, in the excellent 
 clothes for which I still owed money to the 
 Universal Stores, that I was not in the fashion. 
 It was rather as if I had turned out to shoot, 
 amongst a crowd of men in tweeds and woollens, 
 wearing a shiny silk hat, varnished boots, and 
 * See Note. 
 
134 UPSIDONIA 
 
 striped trousers with creases down them. I 
 discovered that it was only in the most exclusive 
 set, of which Lord Potter was one of the leaders, 
 that it was the fashion to go ragged and dirty. 
 The ordinary members of the educated classes 
 were as clean as we are. But they liked old 
 clothes, and didn't want to be bothered with 
 large collections of them, or of anything else. 
 Those who spent the day in bodily toil always 
 changed in the evening, wearing the newer 
 of their two suits, which took the place of the 
 other one when that was entirely worn out. 
 
 The mention of Lord Potter reminds me of 
 an encounter I had with that nobleman a few 
 days after I had hoped I had seen the last of 
 him, in the police court. 
 
 I was walking along the road from Gulbut to 
 Magnolia Hall, and had reached the point 
 at which the villas were beginning to get larger 
 and to stand in gardens of some extent, when 
 I saw a filthy looking tramp crossing the road 
 from one gate to the other, and recognised him 
 as I passed as Lord Potter. 
 
 He did not look at me, but when I had gone 
 on a few yards, he called out : " Hi, you fellow ! " 
 in an authoritative voice. 
 
 I took no notice, and he called out again 
 more loudly, so I turned round to see what he 
 wanted. 
 
UPSIDONIA 135 
 
 " Didn't you hear me call ? " he asked angrily. 
 " Which is Hoggenschlick's house ? " 
 
 " 1 don't know," I said. 
 
 " Well, just run in and ask if Hoggensch- 
 lick lives here, and tell him that Lord Potter 
 wants to see him. I think this is the house. 
 If it isn't, it is the one across the road." 
 
 " Don't you think you might find out which 
 it is for yourself ? " I asked. "I'm not your 
 servant. 
 
 His face changed as he recognised me. " Oh, 
 it's you ! " he exclaimed disagreeably ; "and 
 dressed like the cad I knew you were when I 
 first saw you. If you give me any of your im- 
 pudence you'll find yourself in trouble again, 
 and I'll take care you don't get ofl this time. 
 I shall keep my eye on you. Where are you 
 living ? " 
 
 ' Where I can get a wash sometimes," I 
 replied. " You don't seem to be so fortunate." 
 
 Then I turned round and walked on, leaving 
 him very angry. 
 
 But to return to Miriam. England, and Eng- 
 lish life, was a little secret between us ; I did 
 not talk about them to anybody else, and asked 
 her not to do so. The fact that she entered 
 willingly into this understanding, which I found 
 so agreeable, being in that state of mind in 
 which any understanding with her would have 
 
136 UPSIDONIA 
 
 pleased me, was very gratifying, as tending to 
 show that she had something of the same feel- 
 ing about it as I had. Oh, we were getting 
 on very well ! But she had not yet invited me 
 into her garden. 
 
CHAPTER XV 
 
 The Earl of Blueberry was, as I have said, a 
 suburban postman, and as it was his month 
 for making an evening round he was not present 
 at Lady Blueberry's tea-party. And their only 
 son, the Young Viscount Sandpits, had just been 
 commissioned to one of the smart gangs of 
 navvies in which the aristrocratic youth of 
 Culbut were delighted to serve, if they were 
 of good enough physique. He, also, was on 
 a night shift, and I did not see him at that time. 
 But the young Ladies Susan and Cynthia Maxted 
 were there, and extremely nice and well-man- 
 nered children they were, and very pretty too. 
 They wore clean print frocks, hand-knitted 
 worsted stockings, and serviceable shoes. 
 
 Mrs. Perry, Miriam, and Mollie also wore 
 clothes suitable for the occasion. Edward had 
 on a suit of threadbare serge, which he had 
 told me, coming along, that he reserved for such 
 occasions as this ; and I wore again the clothes 
 in which I had come into Upsidonia. 
 
 We were the only men of the party. Tom 
 137 
 
138 UPSIDONIA 
 
 was playing cricket, and Mr. Perry had said that 
 he was not feeling very well, and would dine 
 quietly at his club. 
 
 Lady Blueberry received us most graciously 
 in her charming kitchen, from which we went 
 into the parlour, where the table was spread. 
 
 Blueberry House was typical of those in the 
 aristocratic quarters of Culbut. You entered 
 by way of the scullery and kitchen, which, 
 with a small yard, were in front of the house. 
 But immediately behind these was a large 
 room occupying the whole breadth of the house, 
 and looking out on to a peaceful park.* 
 
 We were left for a few minutes in the parlour, 
 while Lady Blueberry took the scones out of 
 the oven and made the tea, and the Ladies 
 Susan and Cynthia, with MolhVs help, brought 
 plates and the teapot to the table. 
 
 The parlour was cool and airy, with well- 
 polished floor-boards, but no carpet. The walls 
 were whitewashed and hung with family por- 
 traits, some of which seemed to me to be very 
 fine. There was an equestrian portrait of the 
 first Earl of Blueberry in the dress of a royal 
 stableman, that looked to me like a Vandyke, 
 which, of course, it could not have been ; and 
 another of an eighteenth century countess carry- 
 ing a milkpail, which I should have sworn was a 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 139 
 
 Sir Joshua if I had seen it anywhere else. A 
 charming group of Lady Blueberry and her 
 two daughters, with their own kitchen as a 
 background, was by the famous Upsidonian 
 artist, Corporal, who had also painted Lord 
 Blueberry with his letter-bag, and the gal- 
 lant young Sandpits, in corduroys, with his 
 pick and shovel. 
 
 Lord Blueberry was a dignified figure of a 
 man in this picture, and I thought as I looked 
 at it that I should have felt some hesitation 
 in offering him a tip at Christmas time. But 
 if I had been a resident in Culbut, he, no doubt, 
 would have given me one, and I should not 
 have dared to refuse. Young Lord Sandpits 
 was extremely handsome, and stood up boldly, 
 with his muscular arms bare to the elbows, 
 the picture of virile youth. The artist had got 
 some wonderful lines into this picture, especially 
 in the hang of the trousers, which were strapped 
 below the knee. 
 
 The furniture in Lady Blueberry's parlour 
 all seemed to be old, but there was very little 
 of it. There were no easy chairs, and, indeed, 
 no upholstery at all, or anything that detracted 
 from the air of severe simplicity that was the 
 note of the room, and attracted strongly by its 
 restfulness. With .the exception of the family 
 portraits, there was no ornament whatever. 
 
140 UPSIDONIA 
 
 The tea-table was set with crockery of the cheap- 
 est description, but all the shapes were good, 
 and the colour was pleasing. A grand piano 
 in a corner of the room seemed a somewhat 
 incongruous feature, but Miriam told me as 
 I looked at it that her cousin Susan was except- 
 ionally gifted musically, and she would get her 
 to play for me after tea.* 
 
 Lady Blueberry presided most graciously at 
 the tea-table. She had that perfectly nat- 
 ural air of courtesy combined with dignity 
 which is the mark of a great lady anywhere. 
 She was formed in a classical mould, which the 
 severe lines of her afternoon-gown of black 
 alpaca, relieved with touches of white at the 
 neck and wrists, suited admirably. Her abun- 
 dant hair was brushed back from her broad 
 and placid brow, and knotted simply on the 
 nape of her neck. There were marks of toil 
 on her beautifully-shaped hands, which, accord- 
 ing to Upsidonian ideas, became them better 
 than jewels. 
 
 We talked about a step-sister of Lord Blue- 
 berry's — a Mrs. Claude Chanticleer — who was 
 a prominent member of the dirty set. Mrs. 
 Perry had asked about her, and Lady Blue- 
 berry's calm face had been somewhat over- 
 shadowed as she told us that Tricky, as they 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 141 
 
 called her, had been causing her family consider- 
 able anxiety. 
 
 " She is always going in for some new extra- 
 vagance/ 5 she said. " She and Claudie gave 
 up their two rooms, as you know, about a year 
 ago, when Mrs. Chetwynd-Jones died of pneu- 
 monia, and took possession of her railway 
 arch." 
 
 " But they only use that for a town residence, 
 don't they ? " asked Mrs. Perry. 
 
 " Well, of course they went out of town 
 for the hop-picking, and went from one barn 
 party to another through the rest of the autumn ; 
 but they were in town for the whole of the win- 
 ter, and I am quite sure that Tricky must have 
 suffered a good deal from exposure." 
 
 " She leads such a rackety life, too," said 
 Edward. " I was coming home from my Lads' 
 Club very late one night in January, and I saw 
 Claudie and Mrs. Claudie and a lot of others 
 round a watchman's shelter. None of them 
 were speaking a word, and they all looked as 
 if they would die of cold before the morning." 
 
 " And they call that pleasure ! " said Lady 
 Blueberry. 
 
 " Do they really persuade themselves that it 
 is pleasure ? " I asked. 
 
 " They say that endurance is the highest 
 form of pleasure," said Lady Blueberry. " And 
 
142 UPSIDONIA 
 
 of course it is so in a way. At least, no sensible 
 person would leave endurance of hardships 
 out of their life altogether. But the dirty set, 
 as they call them, are so eager for new sensations 
 that they never use any method of life moder- 
 ately, and would just as soon throw it over al- 
 together, whether it was helpful or not, if any- 
 body started some new craze." 
 
 " Susan and I saw Auntie Tricky in the gal- 
 lery of the opera," said Lady Cynthia, " the 
 night that Aunt Maude took us. Uncle Claudie 
 wasn't there. Auntie Tricky was with Lord 
 Hebron. And we saw them supping together 
 at the whelk stall in Paradise Row when we were 
 coming home." 
 
 " That will do, dear," said Lady Blueberry, 
 with calm authority. " Lord Hebron is an old 
 friend of Uncle Claudie's, and no doubt he had 
 asked him to look after Auntie Tricky for the 
 evening." 
 
 " It is a good thing, at any rate," said Ed- 
 ward, " that they got through the winter in 
 their railway arch. It would not be so bad now. 
 And I suppose they will soon be off to the straw- 
 berry fields ? " 
 
 " I am not sure," said Lady Blueberry. 
 " Tricky came to see me the other day, and told 
 me she thought of going in for the complicated 
 life this summer. It seems to me a perfectly 
 
UPSIDONIA 143 
 
 insane idea. After the privations she has gone 
 through her digestion will not stand it. But 
 there it is ! It is a new idea ; others are taking 
 it up, and, of course, Tricky must be in the 
 movement." 
 
 " Besides," said Edward, " the complicated 
 life, as it is practised by the dirty set, is such a 
 sham. If they lived it seriously, as we do, 
 year in and year out, and really did live it with 
 all its drawbacks, they would very soon get 
 tired of it." 
 
 " Of course they would," said Lady Blue- 
 berry. " It is not the same thing at all." 
 
 " How do they live it ? " I enquired. 
 
 " They make up a party," said Lady Blue- 
 berry, " and descend upon some large house 
 in the country, where they live a life of ease 
 and luxury as long as it amuses them. I think 
 myself that to play at being rich in that way 
 is extremely immoral. It has already been 
 known to give some of the younger people 
 who have practised it a taste for luxury that 
 has led them into a life of degradation. I 
 believe young Bertie Pilliner has been quite 
 ruined by it. I heard the other day that he 
 had acquired a motor-car, and joined a golf 
 club. And he used to be such a nice boy. 
 He was in Sandpit's gang, but, of course, he 
 had to be requested to go." 
 
144 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " What becomes of the people whose houses 
 they descend upon ? " I enquired. " Do they 
 live with them as their guests ? " 
 
 Lady Blueberry laughed pleasantly. " That 
 would not suit them at all," she said. " They 
 choose their house — generally the most elabor- 
 ate one they can find — and write and tell the 
 owners that they are to leave it by a certain 
 date. Then they take possession of it, and 
 live just as if they were rich themselves, but, 
 as Edward says, they suffer none of the incon- 
 veniences. They refuse to do the least little 
 thing that the servants tell them, and as they 
 are not among their own possessions they do 
 not feel the burden of them. It is only because 
 the servants like to have people they can asso- 
 ciate with, instead of their masters and mistresses, 
 and the owners of the houses are glad to have 
 somebody to consume their stores while they can 
 go away for a holiday, that the system is pos- 
 sible at all." 
 
 "It is a very dangerous game to play at," 
 said Edward, " and goes directly against all 
 our work. If the movement spreads to any 
 extent it will prove to be an immense tempta- 
 tion to those whose principles are not firmly 
 fixed. They will see the complicated life in 
 an entirely false aspect, and think that it is 
 always like that, and, perhaps, even that it is 
 
UPSIDONIA 145 
 
 preferable to the simple life. Then the very- 
 foundations of society will be undermined, 
 and we shall have such a revolution as it makes 
 me tremble to think of." 
 
 He spoke so earnestly that the young Lady 
 Cynthia, who was of a sympathetic disposition, 
 burst into tears, and implored her mother 
 not to let Auntie Tricky lead the complicated 
 life any more. 
 
 Lady Blueberry soothed her tenderly, and 
 said that she would do what she could to pre- 
 vent it, and soon afterwards we rose from the 
 table. 
 
 Mrs. Perry stayed in the house to help her 
 sister wash-up, and, no doubt, to have a little 
 intimate conversation with her ; and Edward 
 went off with apologies, to some engagement 
 in the way of self-improvement. The rest of 
 us adjourned to the park, and when we had 
 seen the children happily amusing themselves 
 in the pony paddocks, where there were hurdles, 
 and a little water- jump, I had the delight, 
 which I had hoped all along might come to me, 
 of wandering alone with Miriam through the 
 bosky shades of that beautiful pleasaunce. 
 
 Miriam seemed at first a little nervous, but 
 we soon fell into easy converse, which gradually 
 drifted, with possibly a little urging on my part, 
 into one of a more confidential nature. I will 
 
 K 
 
146 UPSIDONIA 
 
 not repeat any of it; perhaps it is not worth 
 repeating. I said things that come easily to 
 the lips of any lover, and she received them 
 with a sweet modesty that made me think 
 them almost inspired. 
 
 It was a lovely quiet evening ; the retired 
 walks in which we strolled amongst the trees 
 and flowers might have been deep in the coun- 
 try, instead of in the heart of a city ; and if we 
 met, as we did sometimes, other pairs of lovers, 
 who had fled to these comparative solitudes, 
 they only seemed to justify our own emotional 
 condition. It soon became wooing in dead 
 earnest with me, but I knew that I must not 
 pass a certain point in my declarations until 
 Miriam gave me to understand that I had 
 leave to do so. 
 
 At last, when once or twice she had turned 
 from me, twisting her handkerchief in her little 
 ungloved hands, and pausing as if about to 
 say something which she could not make up 
 her mind to say, I cried : " Oh, this heavenly 
 garden ! I shall never forget walking here 
 with you this evening as long as I live." 
 
 Then she turned towards me, and smiled 
 and blushed and dropped her eyes again, and 
 said : " Would you like to walk with me in my 
 garden ? " 
 
 At these words I forgot all about* Upsidonia, 
 
UPSIDONIA 147 
 
 and the possibility of shocking her by accelera- 
 ting its etiquette. Hang etiquette at so sweet 
 a moment ! I took her in my arms and kissed 
 her. 
 
 And apparently etiquette was the same at 
 this stage in Upsidonia as everywhere else. 
 Or else she forgot all about it too. 
 
CHAPTEE XVI 
 
 I am not going to describe Miriam's garden. I will 
 only say that of all the gardens I have ever seen, 
 large or small, it remains in my memory as the 
 quietest, the most retired and the most beautiful. 
 It was not long before I asked for a key, and 
 Miriam gave me one ; and I was free of that 
 enchanted spot, and of all the sweet intercourse 
 it brought me. 
 
 When, on that evening, we hurried away 
 from the comparative solitude of the park, to 
 enfence ourselves in the complete solitude of 
 Miriam's garden, and left Mrs. Perry and Mollie 
 to come home by themselves, the only excuse 
 that we could offer was the true one. Before 
 the evening was out it was known to all the 
 occupants of Magnolia Hall that Miriam had 
 asked me into her garden. 
 
 Dear Mrs. Perry smiled on us and kissed us 
 both. She was an unworldly woman, and only 
 desired her daughter's happiness. Mollie 
 showed a gratifying excitement at the un- 
 expected news ; Tom eyed me rather suspici- 
 ously, and, while not witholding his congratu- 
 
 148 
 
UPSIDONIA 149 
 
 lations, said enigmatically that it was my white 
 flannel suit, but he supposed he should get used 
 to it in time. Edward expressed some doubts. 
 I had to have it out with Edward. But that 
 was later. When he came home that night I 
 had already interviewed Mr. Perry. 
 
 Mr. Perry was as kind as possible, but, as was 
 only natural, wanted to know something about 
 my circumstances. 
 
 " You are aware," he said " of the great work 
 in which my life is spent. I am not able to do 
 as much for my daughters as I should look to 
 doing, if I lived as my neighbours do. But I 
 will do what I can. You shall allow me three 
 hundred pounds a year, and I will get rid of 
 it as best I can. At five per cent interest, that 
 would be tantamount to a settlement of six 
 thousand pounds ; and I should charge my 
 estate with it, so that you would not suffer in the 
 event of my death." 
 
 I thanked him suitably, and, gathering my 
 wits about me, offered to settle upon Miriam 
 Mr. Brunner's U. 0. Me for two hundred and 
 thirty-four pounds, and my account with the 
 Universal Stores of a hundred pounds odd. 
 
 " I am sorry to say that those are the only 
 debts I have in the world," I said, " but on the 
 other hand I do not earn much money." 
 
 " Excuse my asking the question," said Mr. 
 
150 UPSIDONIA 
 
 Perry diffidently, " but what is your occupa- 
 tion ? " 
 
 " I will make a clean breast of it to you," 
 I said. " I am a University Extension lecturer, 
 and am also employed in editing educational 
 works." 
 
 " A very honourable occupation," said Mr. 
 Perry. " A scholar is always a respectable 
 person, and his calling is not a lucrative one." 
 
 " I hope," I said, " that there will never be any 
 doubt about my being able to support Miriam 
 in the poor way in which a daughter of yours 
 ought to live." 
 
 Mr. Perry sighed pensively. " I will not 
 deny," he said, " that I should have liked a 
 larger settlement. I have already sacrificed one 
 daughter to my passion for the amelioration of 
 mankind, and although Herman Eppstein's char- 
 acter is irreproachable 1 suffer somewhat from 
 the remarks of my friends as to that marriage. 
 I should have liked Miriam to make what the 
 world calls a good match, and to be placed 
 beyond all risk of wealth. Still, with what I can 
 do for you, you will start your married life in 
 embarrassed circumstances, and we must hope 
 that no unforeseen accidents will occur. If you 
 keep to your comparatively ill-paid work, and 
 avoid the temptation that so many young men 
 fall into, of trying to get poor quick, all will 
 
UPS1D0NIA 151 
 
 go well. It is something, at any rate, to have 
 a daughter marrying into a Highland family, 
 and my friends can hardly reproach me with 
 another misalliance in that respect." 
 
 He said this with an agreeable smile, and I 
 left him, feeling that I had got through the inter- 
 view more easily than I could have hoped for. 
 
 I had the congratulations of Lord Arthur. He 
 himself was in the stage of walking out, or 
 rather of walking in her garden, with a house- 
 maid from a neighbouring establishment — one 
 of the prettiest of the debutantes of the season 
 — and was inclined towards sympathy with 
 my state of mind. He said that the earlier 
 a fellow settled down in life the better it was for 
 him, and directly he and his fiancee could find 
 a situation as butler and housekeeper to an 
 amenable married couple without encumbrances, 
 their wedding would take place. He talked 
 more about his own love affair than about mine, 
 and made it plain — although I am sure that 
 he did not intend to — that my engagement 
 was but a moderate affair beside his. His 
 father was a Marquis, and would largely decrease 
 his younger son's allowance upon his marriage ; 
 and his prospective father-in-law was a Dean 
 of aristocratic lineage, who was prepared to 
 settle on his daughter the whole debt for re- 
 pairing the West front of his cathedral. 
 
152 UPSIDONIA 
 
 Edward's attitude was a mixture of pleasure 
 and anxiety. He said he liked me personally, 
 and there was no-one to whom he would rather 
 see his sister married if he saw no difficulties 
 in the way. " You won't tell us where you 
 come from," he said, rather peevishly. " No 
 one can call me curious about my neighbours' 
 affairs — I have far too many and important 
 ones of my own to occupy me — but if you are 
 going to marry my sister I should like to know 
 something more about you. How did you come 
 here ? If you walked from the Highlands, you 
 couldn't have come into Culbut on the side on 
 which my father first saw you." 
 
 " I have already told you how I came," I said. 
 " I walked over the moors, and came through 
 an underground passage into the wood where 
 your father found me. I don't profess to 
 understand it ; but that is exactly how it hap- 
 pened." 
 
 He looked at me suspiciously. " My dear 
 fellow," he said, " you are playing with me. 
 My father found you asleep in a little copse that 
 you have to pass through to get to the Female 
 Penitentiary, which he was visiting that after- 
 noon. Beyond that there is at least a mile of 
 suburb ; it is on the high road to the town of 
 Somersalt, and the country is well populated all 
 the way." 
 
UPSIDONIA 153 
 
 " I am not surprised to hear it," I said. " I 
 told you that I did not understand what had 
 happened. But I have given you the facts as I 
 remember them." 
 
 " Then it is very plain," said Edward, " that 
 you must have suffered in your brain, and have 
 escaped from some lunatic asylum. Your be- 
 haviour when we first met would seem to point 
 to that ; and the wildness of the ideas which 
 you disclosed to me was more like what one 
 would expect to exist in the brain of a maniac 
 than anything else. I think it is very likely that 
 you do come from the Highlands ; or why should 
 you have mentioned that region at all ? Your 
 appearance is good, and it is evident that you 
 have come from some place where you have 
 filled a position of dignity." 
 
 " I am glad that it strikes you like that," 
 I said. " But I don't feel in the least like a 
 lunatic. In fact, I am quite sure that I am 
 as sane as your are." 
 
 " I think you are, now," said Edward ; " and 
 I don't see any reason why you shouldn't remain 
 so. If that is really the solution of your eccen- 
 tricities, then all my difficulties are done away 
 with, and I can welcome you, my dear fellow, 
 cordially as a brother-in-law." 
 
 " Oh ! " I said, somewhat taken aback. " You 
 don't think that I might break out again ? " 
 
154 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " I should think it is unlikely ; but if you did, 
 we could easily have you put away for a time. 
 The great advantage would be that Miriam could 
 always get a divorce on the ground of insanity 
 of partner, whenever she wished it." 
 
 " Is that a ground for divorce in Upsidonia ? ' ; 
 
 " Yes ; the passing of that law has been a 
 great boon. People under suspicion of weak 
 intellect have become much more marriageable 
 than they were before." 
 
 " I shouldn't like to begin married life with the 
 idea of a divorce hanging over me." 
 
 " I don't say that Miriam would allow herself 
 to count on a divorce at present ; and if I were 
 you I should not tell her that you have suffered 
 from brain trouble." 
 
 " I won't," I said. 
 
 " No ; and I won't, either. But one never 
 knows what may happen in married life, and it 
 would be a comfort to know that Miriam would 
 not be tied to you for life if you turned out 
 badly." 
 
 " Well, supposing we leave it at that," I said. 
 " I think you're wrong about my brain trouble, 
 but if your idea comforts you at all, keep it by 
 all means ; but keep it to yourself." 
 
CHAPTER XVII 
 
 It is not customary, at least in England, to 
 undertake the responsibilities of married life 
 without a probability of being able to carry 
 them out, and at the time I had come into 
 Upsidonia I had not been in what is called 
 a position to marry. In that country my 
 position was quite satisfactory in this respect, 
 but I did not propose to spend the rest of my 
 life in Upsidonia. 
 
 So I now had to think seriously about ac- 
 quiring that independence which would sweeten 
 the existence that I looked forward to, with 
 dear Miriam as my life-long companion. I was 
 as happy as a king in her garden, but having 
 achieved the step of being invited into it, I 
 now looked forward eagerly to the next step, 
 which was to get out of Upsidonia by the way 
 I had come, and to take her with me. 
 
 She was quite ready to go, after our mar- 
 riage. Indeed, the Highlands, where it was 
 supposed that we should settle down, was so 
 cut of! from communication with the rest of 
 
 155 
 
156 UPSIDONIA 
 
 Upsidonia, that a separation was taken for 
 granted, both by herself and her family.* 
 
 " Tell me about the sort of house we shall 
 live in," said Miriam, as we sat together on a 
 seat in her garden, under the shade of a sweet- 
 smelling lime. 
 
 " My dear," I said, " we shall be able to live 
 in any sort of house we want to. It is delight- 
 ful to think of. All the beautiful places in 
 the world are open to us, and we need be tied 
 to none of them." 
 
 " I don't want more than one house," said 
 Miriam. " I can't get it out of my head, in 
 spite of everything you have told me, that 
 more than one would be a bother. Besides, 
 you wouldn't know which to call your home." 
 
 " Quite right," I said. " Even with us, more 
 than one house might quite well be a bother; 
 and to enjoy your possessions you want to have 
 them all around you." 
 
 " I suppose I shall get to enjoy possessions," 
 she said dubiously. " But I don't want too 
 many of them, John dear." 
 
 " You shall have just as many, or just as few, 
 as you please. We shall enjoy ourselves im- 
 mensely in acquiring them." 
 
 " Do you think we shall ? I shall try and 
 like what you like. But it is a little difficult." 
 
 * See Note. 
 
UPSIDONIA 157 
 
 " You shall have some beautiful frocks, Mir- 
 iam. I know you will like that." 
 
 She laughed. " How wicked it sounds!" she 
 said. " Don't tell mother that I shall like hav- 
 ing beautiful frocks. Are you sure that other 
 girls — other married women — won't look down 
 on me if I am well-dressed ? I shouldn't like 
 to be looked down upon, for your sake." 
 
 " My dear, get all that out of your head. 
 The more you spend the less likely you are to 
 be looked down upon." 
 
 " It sounds so funny. But it sounds rather 
 nice, too. Of course, it isn't really wrong to 
 like spending money, rather, if everybody else 
 does it." 
 
 " Not a bit. Not if you've got it to spend. 
 And we shall have. I am going to see about 
 that. Well, shall we live in the country ? ' ; 
 
 " That would be rather nice, John. In a 
 dear little house with a pretty garden, and no 
 labour-saving appliances." 
 
 " I don't think you will want to live in a 
 little house when you get to England. I thought, 
 perhaps, we might find some very delightful 
 old-fashioned country house, in a beautiful 
 part of the country, with a few thousand acres 
 of land, good shooting, and a model home farm, 
 which I could tackle myself." 
 
 " Do you know anything about farming ? '' 
 
158 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " Not much ; but I should rather like to try 
 it." 
 
 " Isn't it rather dangerous ? Mightn't you 
 make a lot of money over it ? ' 
 
 " I think I could escape the danger. How 
 would you like an old red-brick house, with a 
 moat, and beautiful carving and plastering 
 and all that sort of thing inside 1 I know of 
 one near where 1 was born that we might be 
 able to get." 
 
 " Is it in a village, with nice people in it ? ' 
 
 "It is near a charming village, which would 
 belong to us. There aren't any other big houses 
 very near." 
 
 " Would the other people call on us, and be 
 friendly ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes. There are a lot of good houses 
 all about. The neighbours would all call on 
 us." 
 
 " Yes, the rich neighbours. But the people 
 in the village ? Would the vicar's wife call 
 on us, if we lived in a house like that ? ' ; 
 
 " I expect she would, if the vicar has a wife, 
 of which I am not sure." 
 
 " And the labourers' wives — would they call ? " 
 
 " Probably not. No, I don't think the lab- 
 ourers' wives would call." 
 
 " Then shouldn't we feel rather out of it ? '' 
 
 " You could call on them if you wanted to. 
 
UPSIDONIA 159 
 
 They would be very pleased to see you. Any 
 body would be pleased to see you." 
 
 " Dear old boy ! " she said affectionately. 
 " You think far too much of me. But I like 
 you to. Somehow I don't think I should like 
 to live in a house like that, John. For one 
 thing, I shouldn't like to be always going to 
 see people who wouldn't come and see me. 
 Couldn't we live somewhere among our own 
 sort of people — the people who are well-off, 
 and yet well-educated, that you told me about 
 — well, like we should be ? " 
 " You don't want to live in London, do you ? ' : 
 " That's where you live, isn't it ? ,: 
 " Only because my work makes it convenient. " 
 " But you wouldn't give up your work ? '' 
 " I should give up some of it, that I do at 
 present. I don't say I should give up all work." 
 " Oh no, you couldn't do that." 
 " But I shouldn't have to live in London 
 in order to work. I would much rather live 
 out of it, and have it to go to." 
 
 " That is what I really feel about Culbut. 
 If we could live here, just as we do, without 
 feeling that we were different from other people, 
 I should like it better than living in Culbut 
 itself. Do they look down on the rich people 
 living in the suburbs near London, as they 
 do here ? " 
 
160 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " There is a tendency that way," I admitted. 
 " How would you like to live at Cambridge ? 
 I should be amongst friends, and there would 
 be plenty to do there." 
 
 " I think it would be delightful from what 
 you have told me about it. You could do your 
 work there, couldn't you ? " 
 
 ' Yes, I could do a lot of work, if I wanted to ; 
 and I could always get a game of some sort." 
 
 " I thought it was only the undergraduates 
 who played games. You couldn't row in the 
 boat, could you 1 " 
 
 " I could row you in a boat. We could get a 
 lot of fun in Cambridge, and we could always 
 go to London when we wanted to." 
 
 " And we could get a pretty house there 
 — not too big ? " 
 
 " Yes, we could get that. I think perhaps 
 you're right about the big house. Whoever 
 loves the golden mean will avoid a palace as 
 much as a hovel. Horace says that, or some- 
 thing like it, and what is good enough for Horace 
 is good enough for me, also for my sweet Up- 
 sidonian bride. Miriam, I adore you, and it 
 is at least a quarter of an hour since I had a 
 kiss." 
 
 So we settled to live in Cambridge when we 
 got to England, in the prettiest house we could 
 find, with the prettiest garden, and I prided 
 
UPSIDONIA 161 
 
 myself greatly on the moderation of my desires, 
 while Miriam wondered whether we were not 
 laying up trouble for ourselves, when I said 
 that we should want at least four servants 
 in the sort of house I had in my mind. 
 
CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 A day or two after Miriam had first invited 
 me into her garden the invitation was made 
 public in the fashionable intelligence of the 
 Culbut newspapers, and she and I were the 
 recipients of many congratulations from the 
 numerous friends and relations of the Perrys. 
 We were entertained by not a few of them* 
 We went to Sunday mid-day dinner with the 
 Earl and Countess of Rumborough, in the par- 
 lour behind their shop, over which an aroma 
 of jaded cauliflower lay more in evidence than 
 is customary in the mansions of the great. We 
 drank tea again with the Earl and Countess 
 of Blueberry, and this time the head of the 
 house was present, and treated me with a stately 
 courtesy that impressed me a good deal with the 
 dignity of the family with which I was about 
 to connect myself. I also dined with the Vis- 
 count Sandpits, at the mess of his gang, sit- 
 ting on a plank in the middle of one of the busiest 
 streets in Culbut, and drinking beer out of a 
 tin can.* A married sister of Mr. Perry's, 
 not bitten with philanthropic ideas, gave a 
 
 * See Note. 
 
 162 
 
UPSIDONIA 163 
 
 theatre party for us, and we sat in the front row 
 of the pit, after an agreeable wait of an hour 
 outside the door, and ate oranges between the 
 acts. And we conferred a much-appreciated 
 honour on a rich relation of Mr. Perry's by ac- 
 cepting an invitation to a dinner party at her 
 house. Her husband had been unfortunate 
 in the coal business, and had sunk from a clerk- 
 ship in a colliery company to owning the whole 
 concern. Most of our fellow guests were mel- 
 ancholy and rather subservient people who 
 had made a similar mess of their lives, and were 
 pathetically envious of the bright prospects 
 that were opening out before Miriam and me. 
 
 And finally, Mrs. Claudie Chanticleer, who 
 had turned up one morning at Magnolia Hall, 
 in a bedraggled and hectic state, to take away 
 a few scraps from the dustbin, invited us to a 
 pic-nic in the country, to meet all that was 
 smartest and dirtiest in the exclusive set of 
 which she was an ornament. 
 
 We were a little doubtful about accepting 
 this invitation, gratifying as it was. It was Mr. 
 Perry who pressed us to do so. He said that 
 he hated the dirty set and all their ways. It 
 was not through such as they that the regenera- 
 tion of Upsidonian society would come. At the 
 same time, they included amongst them some 
 of the most aristocratic families in the country, 
 
164 UPSIDONIA 
 
 and it would give us a cachet to have our names 
 in the papers as having taken part in one of 
 their entertainments. When we still demurred, 
 he pointed out that my social investigations 
 could not be considered complete unless I mixed 
 with all classes of the community. So at last 
 we accepted the invitation. 
 
 Mr. Perry refused it for himself, as he said 
 he had a touch of rheumatism and was afraid 
 of the damp grass ; but Edward accepted, 
 saying that he had been working very hard 
 lately and wanted recreation ; and Mrs. Perry 
 went to chaperon Miriam. Mrs. Eppstein, who 
 had seen the announcement of the coming func- 
 tion in the papers, came round to hear all about 
 it, and said that she had not for a moment 
 expected that Tricky Chanticleer would have 
 asked her, although they had been at school 
 together, and in those days nobody thought 
 anything of Tricky, who had always had a red 
 nose. 
 
 Most of us walked to the place appointed 
 for the pic-nic, which was on a stretch of grass 
 beside a high road ; and we were the dirtiest 
 and most disreputable-looking company I have 
 ever been in. But Mrs. Perry, and some of the 
 older ladies, went in the Duchess of Somer- 
 sault's caravan, which was hung round with 
 baskets and brooms and wicker chairs ; and 
 
UPSIDONIA 165 
 
 there were a few donkey carts as well, and an 
 organ barrow for the younger children who 
 could not be left behind. Mrs. Claudie brought 
 what was necessary for the pic-nic in an old 
 perambulator, which she wheeled herself. 
 
 We were accompanied all the way by a crowd 
 of rich sightseers, and a favourite amusement 
 of the younger and sprightlier members of our 
 party was to get a ride behind the carriages, 
 and for the others to cry " Whip behind ! " 
 and to shriek with laughter at them. 
 
 The food consisted of scraps wrapped up 
 in pieces of newspaper, but tea was made in an 
 old tin pot over a fire of sticks, and everyone 
 had brought what they wanted in the way of 
 mugs and utensils for themselves. I must con- 
 fess that if one didn't eat, or only ate the eggs 
 and fruit which some of the young bloods had 
 raided from the farmhouses that we passed on 
 the way, the entertainment was amusing enough. 
 It was rather annoying to be surrounded by 
 a crowd of gaping sightseers, but the company 
 seemed to be used to it, and, indeed, to prefer 
 it to seclusion, or they would not have fixed upon 
 so public a spot. Newspaper reporters were a 
 good deal in evidence, and cameras were dir- 
 ected on us from all sides, as we sat on the grass 
 and enjoyed ourselves. 
 
 There were many quite intelligent people 
 
166 UPSIDONIA 
 
 there. The company, ragged and filthy as 
 it was, was superior to that which I had met 
 in Mr. Perry's club, or to the people I had come 
 across in the large houses in which I had gone 
 slumming with Mrs. Perry. 
 
 I happened to sit on the grass next to a travel- 
 ling tinker, who told me that he had been Mas- 
 ter of a college at Coxford, but had given it 
 up because he wanted to see more of life. 
 
 " I have often been accused of being a snob," 
 he said, " especially by those who are envious 
 of the fine company I keep. It is true that my 
 birth would not entitle me to a place in this 
 brilliant society, but I consider that my learning 
 ought to gain me an entrance into any society, 
 and it has as a matter of fact gained me an 
 entrance into this. I consider that this is the 
 best society that can be had, not because it 
 is aristocratic and exclusive, but because it 
 opens up larger vistas of life. Purely learned 
 society does not do that, and after spending 
 over thirty years of my life in Coxford, I grew 
 tired of it, and set out to play my part in the 
 great world." 
 
 Finding himself possessed of a sympathetic 
 listener, he expatiated further on the advantages 
 of his present life. He had not seen his way to 
 denuding himself of all property. He had ac- 
 quired his tinker's outfit because his previous 
 
UPSIDONIA 167 
 
 life had unfitted him for the purest form of 
 idleness. " One has to be born and brought 
 up to that," he said, " and, as I told you, I 
 do not pretend to have had the advantages 
 of some of our friends about us here." 
 
 " But isn't work a good thing ? " I asked ; 
 for here he seemed to be denying one of the 
 basic principles of Upsidonian philosophy. 
 
 " It is not one of the best things in itself," 
 he said, " although for the great mass of man- 
 kind it is necessary. Freedom and knowledge 
 are the best things ; and freedom is even better 
 than knowledge." 
 
 " I shouldn't have thought that all the people 
 about us here were remarkable for their love 
 of knowledge," I said. 
 
 " Not perhaps of knowledge to be learnt 
 from books," he said, " though a good many 
 of them are not lacking in that. But in know- 
 ledge that comes from going about in the world, 
 and seeing human nature denuded of all its 
 trappings, there is hardly any one of those you 
 see around you who is not superior to the most 
 learned scholars of the universities. They know 
 the simple facts of life, as none who do not 
 enjoy the freedom of extreme poverty can pos- 
 sibly know them ; and the simple facts of life 
 are the great facts of life." 
 
 " Do you consider poverty to be an end in 
 
168 UPSIDONIA 
 
 itself ? ' J I asked, mindful of the criticisms 
 I had heard directed against the dirty set. 
 
 " It is so near to being an end," he said, 
 " that there is no harm in considering it so. 
 It is only by denuding yourself of everything 
 that you can possess everything — beginning 
 with yourself, which is the only possession 
 really worth anything, and the only one which 
 those foolish people who cannot make up their 
 minds to do without some form of property 
 never can attain to. Why should I want 
 more than the whole earth ? It is mine, if I 
 do not shut myself up in one little corner of 
 it and put a fence round me. The moment 
 I do that I lose all the rest. I have exchanged 
 the world for a building plot. With every pos- 
 session I permit myself, I gouge out a weak 
 place in my armour ; I am vulnerable at that 
 point. Possessing nothing, I am impervious 
 to attack." 
 
 ' You can't possess absolutely nothing," I 
 said. " You must have clothes, for instance." 
 
 " You must, as society is at present constitu- 
 ted ; and you are vulnerable, as I said, at that 
 point. If anybody takes away my clothes, 
 I lose my freedom. I cannot go about till I 
 have found some more. And if anybody takes 
 away my tinker's barrow, I lose the work that 
 my training has unfitted me to be without. 
 
UPSIDONIA 169 
 
 It is not, strictly speaking, the barrow that I 
 am vulnerable over, because if I could do with- 
 out it I should have practically my only burden 
 removed ; it is the habits I have acquired that 
 are the unfortunate possession there. And that 
 is why book-learning would be considered an 
 evil in a purer state of society. Books them- 
 selves are, of course, the most odious form 
 of bondage, and even in my tied down days 
 I never would acquire them for myself, but bor- 
 rowed those I could not do without, and com- 
 mitted what was necessary to memory/ ' 
 
 " Why should book-learning be considered 
 an evil ? " I asked. 
 
 " Because it is an acquisition. You are vul- 
 nerable in your memory, in which you have 
 stored it. The only knowledge that is worth 
 having is that which impresses itself on the col- 
 lective mind of mankind. Nobody can take 
 that away from you, because you share it with 
 all the rest. It is all about you." 
 
 " Excuse my touching upon a possibly deli- 
 cate subject," I said, " but do you object to 
 the name that is commonly fastened on to you ? " 
 
 " The dirty set ? Not at all. Why should 
 I ? Cleanliness is only a habit, and a very 
 binding and inconvenient one. If you can 
 break yourself of that one habit alone, you are 
 well on the way to realise what freedom means. 
 
170 UPSIDONIA 
 
 You have broken the chain that keeps you circling 
 round in the narrow orbit of the soap dish 
 and the water jug, and can wander where the 
 spirit leads you. I have not taken a bath 
 since I left Coxford, and all desire to do so 
 has now left me." 
 
 The fact had obtruded itself upon me to such 
 an extent that the desire on my part to leave 
 him now became insistent, and as there came 
 a general movement at the moment towards 
 the cocoa-nut shies, put up by Sir Sigismund 
 Rosenbaum, I withdrew myself from his society. 
 But he was an interesting man, and had given 
 me something to think over. 
 
CHAPTER XIX 
 
 It was at this point that Lord Potter came upon 
 the scene. He had, I believe, refused Mrs. 
 Claudie 's invitation, but whether he could not 
 bear to be left out of any important society func- 
 tion, or whether he had made up his mind to 
 take this opportunity of making himself publicly 
 unpleasant to me, he came shuffling along the 
 road, with his toes sticking out of his boots, 
 and was greeted with acclamations by the 
 distinguished company. 
 
 I happened to be standing next to Mrs. Claudie 
 when he came up to her, and he favoured me 
 with an indignant and contemptuous glare 
 before he showed me his shoulder, shook hands 
 with her, and said in a loud voice : " And where 
 is the fortunate gentleman from the Highlands ? 
 I should like to be introduced to him." 
 
 Mrs. Claudie indicated me. " This is Mr. 
 Howard," she said. " Let me introduce you 
 to Lord Potter." 
 
 Lord Potter affected an air of intense aston- 
 ishment. " This fellow ! " he exclaimed. " My 
 dear lady, you have been victimised. This 
 
 171 
 
172 UPSIDONIA 
 
 is an impudent adventurer, who spent his first 
 night in Culbut in a gaol. He may be good 
 enough company for Mr. Perry, but I am more 
 surprised than I can say to find him here." 
 
 There was an awkward silence, which I broke 
 by saying : " I am just as surprised to see Lord 
 Potter here as he can be to see me. He knew 
 perfectly well who I was. He could have stop- 
 ped away if he didn't want to meet me/' 
 
 Lord Potter ignored this speech. " I am 
 very sorry to have to cast a cloud over your 
 pleasant party, Mrs. Chanticleer/' he said, 
 " but this fellow is not what he pretends to 
 be. He is no more a Highlander than I am. 
 When I get back to town I shall put the police 
 on to him. I expect it will be found that he 
 has absconded from some big house and has 
 left a lot of money behind him. He is mas- 
 querading as a poor man, but he will certainly 
 get into trouble over it. I should advise you 
 to pack him off, and have no more to do with 
 him." 
 
 Fortunately, Miriam was not near us at the 
 time, but I saw Edward shouldering his way 
 through the group of puzzled and rather scan- 
 dalised people who surrounded us. Nobody 
 seemed inclined to say anything, and I had had 
 time during Lord Potter's speech to reflect 
 that he could not know that I was not a High- 
 
UPSIDONIA 173 
 
 lander, and that he had put a weapon into my 
 hands by his affectation of not knowing who 
 I was. 
 
 " I will certainly leave your party if you 
 wish me to, Mrs. Chanticleer," I said. " Lord 
 Potter and I have come up against one another 
 before. It is true that when I first came into 
 Culbut he managed to get me arrested for play- 
 ing rather a foolish practical joke upon him, 
 which he doesn't seem able to forget. But 
 when he tells you he is sorry to disturb your 
 party, he is not speaking the truth, because 
 he can't have come here for any other pur- 
 pose. He knew that he would find me here, 
 and has not scrupled to break in on your bril- 
 liant and memorable gathering, with the ob- 
 ject of ruining its success by his absurd charges." 
 
 There were murmurs among the aristocratic 
 dames who were gathered about us. Although 
 Lord Potter was the dirtiest of the dirty, and 
 held a high position among the men of the set, 
 I heard afterwards that he was not popular 
 among the ladies, not only because of his arro- 
 gance, but because, being a most eligible bachelor, 
 he had omitted to marry so many of their 
 daughters. Besides, Mrs. Claudie's party had 
 gone with such a swing so far that it was felt 
 to be too bad of him to come in in this way 
 and try to spoil it. 
 
174 UPSIDONIA 
 
 But Mrs. Claudie showed herself full of tact 
 and resource. She laughed lightly. " I really 
 can't be expected to settle a silly quarrel bet- 
 ween two men," she said. " I have all my own 
 quarrels to settle, and most of my women 
 friends' besides. Come and have a shy at 
 Siggy Rosenbaum's nuts, Lord Potter ; and, 
 Mr. Howard, you go and find Miriam and take 
 her to have a few s'rimps." 
 
 Perhaps Lord Potter would have allowed 
 himself to hold over his account with me for 
 the time being, and I certainly had no wish 
 to carry it on then or at any time. But unfor- 
 tunately Edward had by this time arrived fully 
 on the scene, and with all his excellent qualities 
 he was a trifle too weighty for a situation that 
 wanted delicate handling. 
 
 " Mr. Howard is a guest in my father's house," 
 he said, his face pale and determined from the 
 stress of the moment, " and I cannot allow 
 him to be insulted." 
 
 " Oh, my dear Edward, nobody wants to 
 insult anybody," said Mrs. Claudie. " Please 
 let us go to the cocoanuts." 
 
 But Lord Potter's temper had been aroused 
 by the challenge. " I have nothing to do with 
 you or your father," he said disagreeably. 
 " You have both unclassed yourselves. You 
 can keep what company you please, as far as 
 
UPSIDONIA 175 
 
 I am concerned. But when you take into your 
 house a highly suspicious character, you ought 
 to keep him to yourselves, and not foist him on 
 to respectable company/' 
 
 Edward was about to reply hotly, but I 
 didn't want to leave my case in his hands ; he 
 knew too much about me, and might give it 
 away in his unthinking annoyance. 
 
 " How do you know I am staying with Mr. 
 Perry ? ,: I asked quickly. " You pretended 
 just now to be surprised to find I was thai Ho- 
 ward. And yet you heard my name when we 
 first met, and you saw me go away with Mr. 
 Perry." 
 
 " I will settle with you later, sir," he said 
 furiously. " You have been going about in ex- 
 pensive clothes, and I have reason to believe 
 you are an imposter, and are wanted by the 
 police." 
 
 " Oh, do leave of! and come to the cocoa- 
 nuts," cried poor Mrs. Claudie, desolated at 
 the prospect of a disturbance. But the situa- 
 tion was now beyond her. 
 
 " Perhaps you will say that my father and 
 I are imposters, because we go about in clean 
 clothes," said Edward angrily. " Mr. Howard 
 is studying social conditions, as we are. He 
 is a gentleman, as anyone can see, whatever 
 he chooses to wear," 
 
176 UPSIDONIA 
 
 Perhaps it is rather conceited of me to mention 
 it, but there were murmurs of approval here. 
 In my old Norfolk jacket and weather-beaten 
 hat, I must have appeared all that was desirable 
 in the matter of fashionable attire, according 
 to Upsidonian standards. 
 
 Encouraged by these murmurs, I stuck to 
 my point with Lord Potter. " Will you answer 
 a plain question ? " I asked him. " Did you 
 know who I was when you came and tried to 
 break up this delightful party, or did you tell 
 Mrs. Chanticleer a lie ? " 
 
 It was not much of a point, but it settled him. 
 There were more murmurs, and Mrs. Claudie 
 said reproachfully : " You know you did re- 
 fuse my invitation, Lord Potter. And if you 
 did know who Mr. Howard was, it is not very 
 friendly of you to come after all, and try to spoil 
 our fun." 
 
 The Duchess of Somersault, who was a great 
 enough lady not to stand in awe of anybody, 
 and had already married off all her daughters, 
 now intervened : 
 
 " You ought to be ashamed of yourself, 
 Hezekiah Potter," she said in a loud clear voice. 
 " Anybody would think this was a reception 
 by the wife of a millionaire by the way you poke 
 yourself in on it and try to start a vulgar brawl. 
 I shall be very pleased to welcome Mr. Howard 
 
UPSIDONIA 177 
 
 at any time to my van, and I am not in the habit 
 of receiving adventurers there." 
 
 Such a bold, and, to me, almost overwhelm- 
 ing, offer of recognition from so great a lady 
 naturally turned the tables completely in my 
 favour. Lord Potter shrugged his shoulders, 
 one of which could be plainly seen through the 
 discoloured cloth of his filthy jacket, muttered 
 something into his ragged beard, and shuffled 
 off in the dust towards Culbut. Mrs. Claudie 
 instantly collected a party of young people 
 to throw at Sir Sigismund's cocoanuts ; and the 
 incident appeared to be completely at an end. 
 
 But I could see that people were talking about 
 it for the rest of the afternoon, and as we made 
 our way homewards later on, and I very much 
 fear that Mrs. Claudie Chanticleer wept tears 
 of disappointment when she retired to her 
 railway arch that night, over this unfortunate 
 interruption of what would otherwise have 
 been the most talked-of assembly of the now 
 waning season. 
 
 As far as I was concerned, I was made to feel 
 that I had come out of my engagement with 
 Lord Potter with credit. I had stood up to a 
 great man, and he had been driven off the 
 field by a great lady. I was even something 
 of a lion for the rest of the afternoon, and if 
 I had wished could have taken my place then 
 
 M 
 
178 UPSIDONIA 
 
 and there as a popular addition to the dirty set, 
 and enjoyed all the advantages of that enviable 
 condition. 
 
 But Edward's gloomy brow, as he ranged 
 apart with his hands in his pockets, warned 
 me that there was trouble ahead, and I had 
 not been too busily engaged with Lord Potter 
 to miss the spectacle of excited newspaper 
 reporters edging in amongst the spectators 
 and busily taking down all that was said in 
 their notebooks. 
 
 What was quite certain was that I could no 
 longer expect to be able to hide such light as 
 I might give forth under a bushel. It would 
 be known all over the country to-morrow that 
 I had been denounced as an adventurer, and 
 accused of representing myself as coming from 
 a place which I had never seen. 
 
 A nice young reporter, more enterprising 
 than the rest, who had hurried off on their 
 bicycles to hand in their copy, did try to inter- 
 view me, and I wished I had been in a position 
 to give him the information for his paper that 
 he asked for. It was only for my address in 
 the Highlands, and a statement of why and 
 how I had come to Culbut, and would have 
 settled the matter for me, if I had really been 
 the completely misunderstood person that I 
 was supposed to be. 
 
UPSIDONIA 179 
 
 But I had to send him away empty, and I 
 am sorry to say that he was annoyed with me, 
 and hinted in his account of the fracas that 
 there was more in Lord Potter's charges than 
 appeared on the surface. 
 
 I was also somewhat disturbed by a conversa- 
 tion I had with the Duchess of Somersault, 
 sitting proudly on the tail-board of her van, 
 in sight of everybody. 
 
 She said that she had never crossed the mount- 
 ains in her wanderings, but had been pretty 
 close to them, and she mentioned the names 
 of several members of the Highland aristocracy 
 with whom she was acquainted. She seemed a 
 little disappointed when I showed myself ignor- 
 ant of all of them, but was not, I think, suspic- 
 ious, as she might have been. She talked, 
 during most of my visit to her, in a full-bodied 
 voice that was evidently music in her own ears, 
 and though she plied me with questions she 
 provided most of the answers to them herself. 
 She wore a magenta gown, a violently checked 
 shawl, and an enormous feathered hat, and 
 sat with her knees wide apart and her elbows 
 on them, smoking a clay pipe, while she talked 
 to me. She was of massive form and highly 
 equiline features, and looked every inch of her 
 a grand dame. 
 
 " I met Lord McGillicuddy the last time the 
 
180 UPSIDONIA 
 
 Duke and I were up north," she said. " Of 
 course you know him. A grand old man, 
 is he not ? The Master of McGillicuddy is 
 on his way to Culbut now, with a flock of sheep, 
 and if he arrives before we go out of town I 
 shall ask a few friends to meet him, and I hope 
 you will make one of the party, Mr. Howard. 
 And, of course, dear Miriam, too. If he does 
 not arrive in time we shall no doubt meet him, 
 for we take the north road this summer, I am 
 happy to say. There is always a great demand 
 for wicker cradles on it ; in the north they 
 are more prolific than we are — as of course 
 you know. I shall certainly tell him what a 
 pleasure it has been to meet you, and get him 
 to look you up. He will be able to support you 
 if you have any more trouble with that tire- 
 some Hezekiah Potter, who seems to think he 
 can behave exactly as he pleases, and must, I 
 am afraid, have given you a poor opinion of 
 our pleasant little society here." 
 
 I assured her Grace, as seemed to be expected 
 of me, that she herself had dissipated any un- 
 fortunate ideas I might have formed on that sub- 
 ject. She dismissed me with an agreeable smile, 
 and an assurance of her continued support, 
 for whatever it might be worth. 
 
 Miriam returned in the Duchess's van. She 
 was a favourite with the Duke, who asked her 
 
UPSIDONIA 181 
 
 to sit up beside him, while he drove his old 
 toastrack of a horse. 
 
 I walked with Edward, who was much dis- 
 turbed in his mind over what had happened. 
 He said that Potter's insolence was beyond 
 all bearing, and he had been seriously consider- 
 ing whether it was not his filial duty to seek him 
 out with a horsewhip and give him a sound 
 thrashing. 
 
 " To think that my dear good old father 
 should be subjected to the foul insults of such 
 a man as that ! " he said. " It positively 
 makes my blood boil. On the one side you have 
 a man whose whole being radiates self-sacrifice 
 and benevolence, and on the other a wretched 
 cur snarling at his heels. What am I to do, 
 Howard ? I don't want to be sent to prison, 
 but upon my word I feel inclined to risk it for 
 the pleasure of assaulting that scoundrel." 
 
 " I should treat him with the contempt he 
 deserves," I said. "It is a case of dignity 
 and impudence. Surely, your father's noble 
 life speaks for itself ! Nothing that you could 
 do to such a contemptible person as Potter 
 would make it shine with brighter effulgence." 
 
 He turned to me and wrung me warmly by 
 the hand. The tears were in his eyes, and he 
 was too much moved to speak for the moment. 
 " Thank you for those words," he said presently, 
 
182 UPSIDONIA 
 
 in a low voice. " I am sure they were spoken 
 from the heart, and I shall not forget them. 
 There are few who are blessed with such fathers 
 as mine, and I have the pleasure of feeling 
 that he will soon be your father too, and that 
 you will revere him as he deserves. Tell me, 
 Howard, didn't that count with you, when you 
 made up your mind to propose to my sister ? " 
 
 " Well, perhaps I was thinking more about 
 her at the time/' I said. " But naturally I 
 congratulate myself on the prospect of having 
 such a father-in-law." 
 
 Edward was so taken up with the insult 
 offered to his father that he did not notice 
 as we came to the tramway terminus, from which 
 the road to Magnolia Hall branched off, a news- 
 paper placard on which were displayed the 
 lines : 
 
 Disgraceful Brawl at Society Gathering. 
 
 Well-Known Names Involved. 
 
 Who is Mr. John Howard ? 
 
 Well, if that question was going to interest the 
 inhabitants of Upsidonia, it seemed about time 
 for me to be making arrangements for the 
 modest competency that would enable me to 
 leave the country. 
 
CHAPTER JXX 
 
 I woke up the next morning without that sense 
 of something delightful about to happen to me 
 to which I had grown accustomed since my 
 arrival in Upsidonia, but soon brightened again 
 as I laid my plans for acquiring an easy and 
 immediate fortune. I knew that a rich man 
 in Upsidonia would present me with twenty 
 or thirty thousand pounds as readily as a poor 
 man in England would allow me to present him 
 with it, and would thank his lucky stars at 
 finding a fool big enough to take it. I only 
 had to find the rich man. 
 
 It seemed to me that I already knew who to 
 apply to. I had made the acquaintance of a 
 very rich man indeed, when I had gone dis- 
 trict visiting with Mrs. Perry. His name was 
 Hobson, and he had not always been as rich 
 as he was at present. Mining speculations had 
 ruined him. He could not touch a thing that 
 turned out right. So sure as he bought shares 
 in a mine that was supposed to have no gold 
 in it, it turned out to be one of the richest ever 
 heard of. And even silver played him false ; 
 
 183 
 
184 UPSIDONIA 
 
 he had come his biggest cropper over a worked- 
 out silver mine, in which antimony or some such 
 metal was discovered the moment the shares 
 seemed to be worth nothing, with the conse- 
 quence that they had jumped up again to un- 
 heard of altitudes. 
 
 When the crash had come Mr. Hobson had 
 put a bold face on it, and his wife had behaved 
 nobly. She had given up the confined home 
 in which she had been so happy without a 
 murmur, and had bought every stick of furni- 
 ture that she could cram into a large house. 
 She had bought silks and laces, furs and jewels, 
 for herself, and clothed her young children in 
 the richest attire ; and she had given up with- 
 out flinching the household work in which she 
 had taken such a delight, and engaged a large 
 staff of servants. All Mr. Hobson's debtors 
 had been allowed to pay him in full, and he 
 and his family had retired to their mansion, 
 with a name free of all reproach, it is true, but 
 to such misery as only people of refinement 
 could experience from such a change in their 
 surroundings. 
 
 And that was not the worst. Mr. Hobson 
 was a kind husband and an affectionate father. 
 But he had the gambler's fever in his blood, and 
 the hard lesson he had received had not sufficed 
 to purge him of it. Since his downfall he had 
 
UPSIDONIA 185 
 
 continued to speculate, but with no greater 
 success than before, and it was much to be feared 
 that unless some help came to him, not only 
 he, but his blameless wife and his innocent 
 young children, would sink into yet deeper 
 depths of degradation, and be obliged at last 
 to go to the playhouse. 
 
 Mrs. Perry had come home one afternoon 
 from a round of her district, full of the troubles 
 of the Hobsons. Mr. Hobson had broken out 
 again, and had risked a small fortune, not this 
 time in mining, but in a patent for increasing 
 the amount of petrol to be used in motor cars. 
 His excuse was that he had some mechanical 
 knowledge, and had spotted an error in the 
 invention which he thought would make it 
 useless. But, unfortunately, he had mentioned 
 his discovery to others, the errors had been 
 pointed out to the patentees, and they had suc- 
 ceeded in putting them right. Or, as was darkly 
 hinted, there had been no error at all, and Mr. 
 Hobson had fallen into a trap. But, in any case, 
 he had had to realise at a high figure, and had 
 come out of the deal more overloaded with 
 wealth than ever. 
 
 We had all sympathised deeply over the 
 picture of misery that Mrs. Perry had drawn. 
 Mr. Hobson, she said, was overcome with re- 
 morse, and like a man distracted. He had 
 
186 UPSIDONIA 
 
 sat in his overfurnished dining-room with his 
 head in his hands, while his wife, scintillating 
 with diamonds, though it was early in the 
 afternoon, had tried to comfort him, her face 
 pale but full of courage. It had been almost 
 insupportable to hear the children crying at 
 the table loaded with provisions, and to think 
 that the father, the bread-loser of the family, 
 was powerless to help them. 
 
 " Cannot we do something for them, Sam- 
 uel?" Mrs. Perry cried. 
 
 But her husband shook his head sadly, and 
 said he was afraid not. " Hobson has himself 
 to thank for it," he said, " and I fear he is 
 incorrigible. If we were to take the burden of 
 this mistake on our shoulders he would only 
 make another one. The fact is, he is unfitted 
 for business affairs. You can lose more money 
 in the city than anywhere else, but you have 
 to get up very early in the morning to do it, 
 and the men who are successful at it, and lose 
 large fortunes, are a good deal cleverer than 
 poor Hobson." 
 
 I had offered then and there to look into the 
 case and see if I could do anything to help. 
 But although everybody said that it was very 
 generous of me, they all tried to dissuade me 
 from risking the small number of debts I al- 
 ready possessed. Edward did more. He rather 
 
UPSIDONIA 187 
 
 annoyed me by taking me aside and telling me 
 that my duty was now towards Miriam, and 
 that it would not be right for me to be charit- 
 able at her expense, which was what it would 
 come to if I tried to straighten out the 
 Hobsons' badly involved affairs. 
 
 But I had now made up my mind that noth- 
 ing should stand in the way of my charitable 
 instincts. I was not in a position to do much. 
 I could not set the unfortunate Hobson on his 
 feet again as a poor man. But I could go and 
 see him, and come away leaving him a good 
 deal poorer than he was before. 
 
 My heart glowed as I thought of the blessings 
 I should call down upon my head from him and 
 his sorely tried family. I should be almost in 
 the position of a walking miracle, bringing re- 
 lief that must have been despaired of. The 
 warm gratitude of that unfortunate family 
 would follow me wherever I went, even if I 
 went out of Upsidonia, as I fully intended to do, 
 after having relieved Mr. Hobson of part of his 
 burden. 
 
 As I jumped out of bed I had already made 
 up my mind. I would go and see him that 
 very morning. When one has decided upon 
 an errand of mercy one should lose no time 
 in setting about it. 
 
CHAPTER XXI 
 
 I got downstairs earlier than usual, and found 
 Tom roaming about, with ten minutes or so 
 on his hands before he went oft' to school. 
 
 He greeted me affably, for we were now very 
 good friends. I had taught him to bowl " goog- 
 hes," which were unknown in Upsidonian cricket 
 before my arrival, and he had got into the first 
 eleven of his school on the strength of it. He 
 was properly grateful to me, and had quite for- 
 given me for my white flannel suit. 
 
 " I say, old boy," he said, " you've been go- 
 ing it ! Biffed old Potter in the eye yesterday, 
 didn't you ? " 
 
 " I didn't biff him in the eye, Tom," I replied. 
 " I rather wish I had. How do you know about 
 it?" 
 
 " I read it in the paper. 1 can't show it to 
 you because old Blother has taken it off into 
 his pantry. But it said that Potter and you 
 had had a scrap, and he said you were a fraud ; 
 and they don't think you come from the High- 
 lands at all." 
 
 " Where do they think I come from ? ,; 
 
 " They don't know, but they're going to find 
 188 
 
UPSIDONIA 189 
 
 out. They think it may have been you who 
 committed the burglary." 
 
 " The burglary ! What burglary ? " 
 
 " Why, it was at Muffin's Rents, about a 
 fortnight ago, just before you came. The people 
 woke up and found a lot of family plate in the 
 dining-room. A burglar had broken in in the 
 night and left it there. A cheeky beggar he 
 was too, for he had left them a bottle of Bass 
 and half a game pie as well. I thought it was 
 just the sort of sporting thing that you would 
 have done." 
 
 " My dear Tom, I assure you I didn't. Why 
 did they think it might have been me ? '' 
 
 " Well, they seemed to think you might have 
 cleared out from some big house or other, be- 
 cause you were fed up with it, and got rid of 
 your plate in that way." 
 
 " What a ridiculous idea ! " 
 
 " Yes, it is rather. But I say, old boy, 
 I wonder where you do come from." 
 
 I stared at him. 
 
 " Of course, I know you were a bit barmy 
 before you came here, and don't remember 
 anything about it," he went on to say. " It's 
 a rummy thing altogether." 
 
 It seemed to me a very rummy thing that 
 Tom should have any idea that I was supposed 
 to have been what he called barmy. 
 
190 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " Who told you that ? " I asked him. 
 
 " Oh, I heard them talking about it." 
 
 " Heard who talking about it ? " 
 
 " Edward and old Blother. Old Blother said 
 you seemed to be a very respectable young fellow, 
 but he wasn't quite easy in his mind about 
 your marrying Miriam, and he wanted to know 
 more about you. He said you didn't talk 
 like a Johnny from the Highlands. So then 
 Edward said you didn't really remember where 
 you had come from, and told him that you 
 had been a bit touched in the upper story, 
 but you were all right now." 
 
 " Well, I hope that satisfied Mr. Blother," 
 I said, mentally confounding his impudence, 
 and furious with Edward for publishing his 
 silly idea, which I had only allowed him to hold 
 because I thought he would keep it to himself. 
 
 " Oh, yes," said Tom. " He said if that 
 was it, he supposed it was all right, and he 
 shouldn't interfere unless he saw any further 
 reason." 
 
 1 Very kind of him indeed ! Does anybody 
 else know about this ridiculous idea of Ed- 
 ward's ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, everybody knows." 
 
 " What, Miriam ? " 
 
 ' Yes, she knows all right. I don't think 
 she minds. I expect she thinks it's rather a 
 
UPSIDONIA 191 
 
 lark. But, I say, I must be getting off. Good- 
 bye, old boy! don't forget you promised to 
 bowl to me this afternoon." 
 
 When I went into breakfast Miriam greeted 
 me as usual, and showed none of that shrinking 
 that might have been expected from a girl 
 in the face of a lover whom she had discovered 
 to have been at one time what Tom called barmy ; 
 I was greatly relieved at this, though determined 
 to have it out with Edward at the first oppor- 
 tunity. 
 
 When Mr. Blother had shaken hands with us 
 all, and asked us how we had slept — little 
 attentions which he never omitted — he ex- 
 pressed himself with great indignation at the 
 line taken by the newspaper over the occur- 
 rence of the day before. 
 
 Apparently, Edward's explanation of any 
 eccentricities of mine that had disturbed him 
 had been quite satisfactory. Mr. Blother and 
 I had always got on well together, and I was 
 pleased to remember that only a few days be- 
 fore I had demanded of him a handsome tip, 
 saying that I had been in the house for some 
 time and was afraid that I had not given him 
 much trouble. He was quite on my side, and 
 expressed himself strongly about the imper- 
 tinence of the newspaper in throwing doubt 
 upon me. 
 
192 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " We shall have to announce the truth/' 
 he said, as he bustled about while the rest of 
 the family took their seats. " Our young friend 
 here set out to walk to Culbut, and either had 
 a touch of sunstroke, or else forgot himself and 
 became intoxicated — which would be reprehen- 
 sible, but not altogether inexcusable in one 
 of his youth — and cannot give an account of 
 himself. No doubt his memory will come back, 
 but until it does we must all stand together 
 and protect him from these suspicions. If 
 there is one thing that is quite clear, it is that 
 he has never been a rich man. Although his 
 accent is not quite what one would expect 
 from a Highlander, I believe myself that he is 
 one, because it was quite plain from the first 
 that he had never seen a servant in his life, 
 and had no idea of how to treat them. Now 
 if you are all sure that you have everything 
 that you want, I will go and get on with my 
 work. Don't leave quite so much on your 
 plates as you did yesterday, please — I don't 
 mean you, Perry. And it is quite time that 
 this ham showed more signs of wear." 
 
 With a cheery laugh Mr. Blother left the 
 room, and Edward came in as he did so. He 
 was generally up early, and had already been in 
 to Culbut. that morning. 
 
 He was in a state of considerable excitement, 
 
UPSIDONIA 193 
 
 but not over the affair that was in all our minds, 
 which he put aside as of no account. 
 
 " Oh, that will all blow over/' he said. " There 
 is something far more serious now to engage 
 peoples' attention." 
 
 We all looked at him expectantly. He was 
 much agitated, and seemed at first incapable 
 of speech. But when he had gulped down a 
 little tea, he said in a voice vibrant with emotion : 
 " This day will never be forgotten in Upsidonia. 
 The social revolution has commenced." 
 
 We all looked towards Mr. Perry. It rested 
 with him — the head of the family, and a man 
 with a whole life of benevolent wisdom behind 
 him — to indicate the line to be taken in face 
 of this startling intelligence. 
 
 He kept his eyes fixed on his plate, but looked 
 very grave, and shook his head slowly. 
 
 There was a moment's silence, and then he 
 said : "It is an extraordinary thing that with 
 all the improvements in communication we never 
 can get our fish perfectly fresh. Mollie, will 
 you take this away and give me some kidneys 
 and bacon. I beg your pardon, Edward — you 
 were saying ? " 
 
 Edward launched himself into an almost vio- 
 lent flood of speech. " I have felt it coming for a 
 long time," he said. " I have done what I could 
 to stem the tide, and to confine it in safe channels, 
 
 N 
 
194 UPSIDONIA 
 
 such as I knew you, dear father, would approve of. 
 But the torrent has been too strong. It has 
 broken through all the puny obstacles I have set 
 up. We are now launched on its full flood, and 
 heaven help those who are not to be found on the 
 right side." 
 
 " My dear Edward, tell us what has happened/' 
 said Mrs. Perry. " You are keeping us on ten- 
 terhooks." 
 
 Edward calmed himself a little and said : 
 " It is Mr. and Mrs. Bolster who have put the 
 match to the powder. I am proud to call them 
 friends of mine. The name of Bolster will ring 
 through the ages as that of people who did not 
 shrink from taking a foremost place in the battle 
 of freedom. And I trust that the name of Perry 
 will go down with it." 
 
 " Bolster is a very respectable fellow," said 
 Mr. Perry. " I have nothing whatever to say 
 against Bolster, except that he has always been 
 rather a grumbler. But I do not want our name 
 to ring through the ages with his, Edward. 
 Bolster and Perry ! It would not sound well. 
 
 " What have they done, Edward ? " asked Mrs. 
 Perry. " Nothing foolish, I hope." 
 
 " Last night," said Edward, consenting at last 
 to be drawn into a plain story, " Bolster came 
 home to find that the inspectors had paid his 
 house a visit. It seems that the cook had given 
 
UPSIDONIA 195 
 
 information that the housekeeping bills had not 
 been kept up to the level that the Bolsters are 
 assessed upon. They made a scene with Mrs. 
 Bolster, and refused to accept her explanation 
 that her son, to whom she chiefly looked to help 
 them in their meals, was away at Coxford, and the 
 servants had all along refused to consume their 
 proper share. The inspectors went away, and 
 directed all the Bolsters' tradespeople to supply 
 the house with double the quantity of goods 
 ordered until further notice." 
 
 " They had no right to do that," said Mr. Perry. 
 " They ought to have told Mrs. Bolster to do it, 
 and left an inspector there to see that the goods 
 were consumed. They have acted against the law." 
 
 " What do they care about the law ? " ex- 
 claimed Edward bitterly. " The law in Upsidonia 
 is for the poor, not for the rich. Bolster has 
 taken the law into his own hands, and I am glad 
 of it. I respect and honour him for his noble 
 stand. When he came home and learnt what had 
 happened, he threw every ounce of food in the 
 house out into the garden. He did more than 
 that. He is a big man, as you know, and he 
 forced his butler to get up all the wine out of 
 his cellar and pour it down the stable drains. 
 The servants were in a terrible state of anger, 
 but they could do nothing with him. He turned 
 them out of the house neck and crop, and told 
 
196 UPSIDONIA 
 
 them they could go and complain to the police. 
 He didn't care where they went or what they did. 
 He stood up to them all, men and women. Then 
 he barricaded all the doors and windows ; but 
 before he did so he threw out all the money 
 in the house and all the plate. He is now shut 
 up with Mrs. Bolster, and quite prepared to 
 stand a siege. I hope that thousands will fol- 
 low his example. It will be the end of this 
 stifling tyranny. The rich will be able to breathe 
 once more, and the selfish poor will have to 
 shoulder their burdens and learn what misery 
 they have inflicted so callously on their unfor- 
 tunate fellow creatures." 
 
 " I am afraid Bolster will get into trouble," 
 said Mr. Perry, calmly. " I should not mix 
 myself up with it, Edward, if I were you. We 
 must go on quietly in our own way, without setting 
 class against class. The methods of anarchy 
 are not for such as us. My dear, another cup 
 of tea, if you please." 
 
 Edward choked down his emotion, and suc- 
 eeded in making a fair breakfast. But I thought 
 that in this matter he did not see eye to eye 
 with his father. In his opinion the time for 
 anarchy had come, and he was nerving himself 
 to take a more prominent part in the struggle 
 he saw coming than the more cautious and ex- 
 perienced Mr. Perry would approve of. 
 
USPIDONIA 197 
 
 However, he gave us no hint of any intentions 
 he may have formed while we were together, 
 and directly he had finished his meal left the room. 
 
CHAPTER^XXII 
 
 I followed Edward as soon as I could, for I had 
 a crow of my own to pick with him. 
 
 But I found him quite unable to discuss any- 
 thing but the startling and courageous behaviour 
 of his friend, Mr. Bolster. He was going to his 
 house at once, and I said that I would go with him. 
 
 Mr. Bolster lived in a large house not far from 
 Magnolia Hall, and as we walked there I insisted 
 upon Edward listening to my complaint. 
 
 ' Well, what do you want me to do ? " he 
 asked impatiently. ' You don't know where you 
 come from, and I don't know either. My ex- 
 planation is almost certainly the right one, and 
 you must have some explanation of yourself 
 ready. What are you complaining about ? " 
 
 "I'm complaining of your having told Miriam 
 that I am an escaped lunatic." 
 
 " My dear fellow, I'm pretty certain she sus- 
 pected it. It was the nonsense you talked to her 
 when you first came that made me tell her the 
 truth. Now that she has the explanation she 
 doesn't mind. No sensible girl would. She knows 
 you are all right at present, and she'll see that 
 you don't go wrong again." 
 
 198 
 
UPSIDONIA 199 
 
 I had to leave it at that. There was no satis- 
 faction to be got out of the officious Edward. 
 
 Mr. Bolster's house was a pretentious building 
 in the Italianate Gothic style, with Byzantine 
 and other features. It stood in an extremely 
 ugly garden, with asphalt paths, and stretches 
 of grass cut up into beds of the shape of cres- 
 cents, triangles, starfishes, Prince of Wales's 
 feathers, interrogation marks, all elaborately 
 planted to imitate carpets or rugs of the worst 
 possible design. Wherever there was room for 
 it, there was a large glass-house, and apparently 
 Mr. Bolster had employed some of the hours of 
 his self-imposed incarceration in throwing things 
 at them ; for there was hardly a pane within 
 range that was left intact, and the ground about 
 them was Uttered with lumps of coal and with the 
 smaller articles of household furnishing, with 
 which he, and possibly Mrs. Bolster, had missed 
 their aim. The things with which they had been 
 more fortunate were inside the glass-houses, 
 which presented a picture of destruction that 
 showed the seriousness of the battle now being 
 waged. 
 
 Scattered about on the flower-beds, and on the 
 grass near the house, was a curious assortment of 
 articles, which included joints of meat, silver 
 epergnes, brocaded cushions, cooking utensils, 
 wearing apparel, pictures, clocks, and indeed 
 
200 UPSIDONIA 
 
 every article of luxury that such a house as this 
 might contain. 
 
 We were not the only people who had come to 
 gaze at this extraordinary scene. There was a 
 well-dressed ill-mannered crowd hanging about 
 and looking up at the shuttered windows ; and 
 more were driving up every minute. Many of 
 them gathered round Edward, who was generally 
 recognised, and gave him such items of news as 
 they thought might interest him. 
 
 " You'll see 'im in a minute," said one ex- 
 cited gentleman. " 'E put 'is 'ead out of that 
 window just now. 'Ad a cock-shy at one of the 
 bobbies, wiv a boot-tree. There it is." 
 
 " Have the police been here ? " asked Edward. 
 " Where are they now ? " 
 
 " Gorn off to git some more. Lor lumme ! 
 it ain't 'arf a circus, is it ? " 
 
 The opulent-looking overfed ladies and gentle- 
 men around us seemed more amused than im- 
 pressed with what was going on. But Edward's 
 face was very grave. " Poor creatures ! " he 
 said aside to me. " They are hardly capable of 
 taking anything seriously. They lead such ter- 
 rible lives that anything is a distraction to them. 
 When a chance of emancipation comes, they are 
 too sunk in misery to take it." 
 
 They did not appear to me to be precisely sunk 
 in misery, and but for their fine clothes and the 
 
UPSIDONIA 201 
 
 smart-looking equipages in which they had ar- 
 rived, and which were now gathered round the 
 gates waiting to take them away again, they were 
 exactly like a careless, rather noisy London 
 crowd, come out to see some fun. 
 
 As Edward was speaking there was a shout, and, 
 looking up at a sort of Florentine balcony stuck 
 on to a crenellated tower, I saw the now notorious 
 Mr. Bolster, standing with his arms folded, sur- 
 veying the crowd. He was in shirtsleeves, and 
 had not brushed his hair. Possibly he had 
 thrown all the brushes in the house at the con- 
 servatories. 
 
 The crowd cheered him, and he bowed re- 
 peatedly with an air of self-satisfaction, but 
 presently held up his hand to command silence, 
 and then made a short speech. 
 
 " Fellow men and fellow women," he said. 
 " I've begun, and now it's for you to carry on. 
 Down with servants ! Down with luckshry ! 
 Down with the pore ! " 
 
 The renewed cheers with which this stirring 
 address was received caused Edward's eyes to 
 brighten. " Their hearts are in the right place," 
 he said. " They only want a leader." Then 
 he raised his voice and shouted : " Three cheers 
 for Bolster and his noble wife ! " 
 
 The cheers were given, and Mrs. Bolster, 
 attired in what I believe is called a peignoir, 
 
202 UPS1DON1A 
 
 appeared by the side of her husband and ac- 
 knowledged them with him. Then both of them 
 retired from the balcony. 
 
 Edward now set himself to turn the enthusiasm 
 of the crowd in a practical direction. He did not 
 address them collectively, but spoke to one here 
 and there, and presently had round him a num- 
 ber of people who showed that they also re- 
 cognised that Mr. Bolster's demonstration had 
 sprung from a state of affairs intolerable to them 
 as well as to him. 
 
 " Look 'ere, what do yer think of this ? " 
 asked one man. " Me and the missus was going 
 to the theaytre, and my second coachman was 
 adrivin' of us. Well, 'e took us round to where 
 a old aunt of the cook's lived, and there we 'ad to 
 set in the kerridge for 'alf an hour, while 'e yarned 
 with 'er ladyship about a dinner-party they were 
 giving in the servants' 'all, and 'oo was to be in- 
 vited, and all such things as them. And 'er 
 taking no more notice of us than if we wasn't 
 there ! " 
 
 ' Yuss, it's just like 'em," said another. My 
 groom of the chambers 'auled me over the coals 
 the other day for not usin' up the stationery 
 quicker. Blarst 'im and 'is stationery, I sez, 
 and I'd a good mind to tell 'im so." 
 
 ' Why didn't you ? " asked Edward. " If you 
 were all to make a stand against this tyranny to 
 
UPSIDONIA 203 
 
 which you are subjected, you could end it to- 
 morrow. See what Bolster has done ! It isn't 
 all talk with him ; it's action." 
 
 But, much as they no doubt approved of Bol- 
 ster's bold stand, they seemed to shrink from 
 taking any steps to follow his lead. Edward, 
 who now began to go round among them with a 
 note-book to take the names of those who were 
 ready for concerted action, got more refusals 
 than promises of support. 
 
 " What's the good ? " asked one man. 
 " They'll git 'old of Bolster all right, you'll see, 
 and 'e'll be worse off than 'e was before. I ain't 
 agoing to risk my luxurious 'ome, and run myself 
 into trouble, not till I see a lot more of 'em chuck- 
 ing things about. It's all very well for Bolster. 
 'E ain't got a lot o' kids depending on 'im. A 
 pretty thing if I was to leave mine to get through 
 all the grub by themselves, while I was sent to 
 chokey ! 'Cos they don't let you order in no less. 
 I've got a good appetite so far, and I can stand it 
 better nor what they can." 
 
 That was the trouble with most of these long- 
 suffering people. They were righting their daily 
 battle against profusion, not for themselves alone, 
 but for dear ones dependent on them ; and I could 
 not find it in my heart to blame them for shrink- 
 ing from throwing themselves into Edward's 
 campaign. 
 
204 UPSIDONIA 
 
 But now there came a diversion. A butcher's 
 cart drove up to the house, driven by an 
 aristocratic-looking young man in a blue coat. 
 Mr. Bolster appeared again on the Florentine bal- 
 cony, and let down a basket, into which was put a 
 large assortment of fleshy delicacies. These he 
 hauled up. When he had collected them all 
 around him, he held up four lamb cutlets for us to 
 see, and handed them to his wife. Then he be- 
 gan to bombard the butcher with the rest of the 
 lamb cutlets, sweetbreads, lumps of suet, and 
 everything else that he had so carefully taken 
 from him; and so accurate was his aim that the 
 young man swung off down the drive, shielding 
 his well-greased head with his arm, and exhibit- 
 ing every sign of resentment. When he was out 
 of range, he pulled up and addressed Mr. Bolster 
 most injuriously, threatening him with all sorts 
 of penalties. But the crowd, heartened by the 
 exhibition, jeered at him, and presently he drove 
 away. 
 
 He had no sooner gone than the performance 
 was repeated with a grocer, then with a poul- 
 terer, and at intervals with other tradespeople. 
 Mr. Bolster kept the minimum of sustenance for 
 himself and his wife, and used everything else as 
 a projectile; and I think he must have gone 
 rather short afterwards, for he was evidently 
 enjoying himself, and seemed to keep back very 
 little. 
 
UPSIDONIA 205 
 
 Whilst the various tradespeople were thus be- 
 ing ignominiously driven off the field, the coach- 
 men and footmen and chauffeurs, who were wait- 
 ing in full view of what was happening, not only 
 took no part in the fray, but affected to ignore it 
 completely.* They showed, however, a mild 
 degree of interest, and there was a considerable 
 stir amongst the now rapidly increasing crowd, 
 as a squad of police marched on to the ground, 
 and with them seven or eight men and women 
 in the dress of indoor servants. It presently ap- 
 peared that these had come, not to insist upon be- 
 ing taken back again, or to demand their wages, 
 which, no doubt, they were pleased to go without, 
 but to get such clothes as they wanted from the 
 house. 
 
 But Mr. Bolster was ready for them. When- 
 ever they congregated somewhere to make an en- 
 trance, he appeared at a window above them, and 
 poured down water on their heads. And the 
 police, who had evidently come to put an end to 
 the whole business, were no more successful in 
 forcing a way into the house. The lower part was 
 built to resemble a mediaeval prison, and stout 
 iron bars and massive oak met them everywhere 
 and defied their efforts. 
 
 At last they marched off, drenched to the skins 
 to get reinforcements ; but the inspector in charge 
 
 *^See Note. 
 
206 UPSIDONIA 
 
 of them remained, and in an authoritative voice 
 ordered the crowd to disperse. 
 
 The crowd, now greatly encouraged by Mr. 
 Bolster's determined resistance, refused to do so, 
 though it showed a disposition to avoid the in- 
 spector's eye ; and he got angry, and threatened 
 to make arrests when his men returned. 
 
 He came up to Edward and said : "I would 
 advise you not to mix yourself up in this, Mr. 
 Perry. I mean business, and if you are here when 
 my men come back, it will be my duty to arrest 
 you first of all." 
 
 Edward hesitated a moment, and then turned 
 abruptly on his heel and walked off. I followed 
 him, and he said as we went down the drive : 
 " I shan't shirk being arrested when the time 
 comes, but it will be for something more serious 
 than refusing to move on when I am told to." 
 
 As we left the garden I turned back and saw 
 Mr. Bolster showering from an upper window 
 articles of feminine apparel, which, floating amply 
 down the breeze, roused the crowd to renewed 
 merriment. 
 
CHAPTER XXIII 
 
 As we walked away, Edward said contemptu- 
 ously : " Isn't that just like the race of servants 
 all over ? To come back for their things ! Des- 
 picable race of parasitical humbugs ! If I were 
 ever so poor I should be ashamed of going 
 out to service. I would sooner be the man 
 who can hardly rise from his chair through 
 over-feeding, than the man who busies him- 
 self in seeing that he consumes more than his 
 share. The one is at any rate trying to do his 
 duty, with all the forces of poverty and oppression 
 ranged against him ; the other merely wants to 
 live in rich surroundings without undergoing any 
 of the disadvantages/' 
 
 " I have rather suspected that," I said. " Still, 
 they do live simply, as far as I have observed. 
 They are not like Lord Charles Delagrange, and 
 that sort of person, who likes luxury for its own 
 sake." 
 
 " I am not at all sure that some of them don't," 
 said Edward. " But, at any rate, they all enjoy 
 the contrast between their state and that of their 
 masters and mistresses. You have no idea what 
 
 207 
 
208 UPSIDONIA 
 
 servants are, Howard, by only knowing them at 
 Magnolia Hall. Would you like to come with 
 me to a few houses where, I think, I may get 
 recruits for this movement % You will see then 
 what the servants of the rich are really like." 
 
 It was still early in the morning, and I did not 
 want to call on Mr. Hobson until later, so I ac- 
 cepted Edward's invitation. " But I hope you 
 are not going to run yourself up against the law," 
 I said. " Your father won't like that, nor any 
 of your family." 
 
 " My dear Howard," said Edward obstinately, 
 " I am a reformer. Now the opportunity has 
 come I must not be found wanting/' 
 
 The first house we called at was a smaller one 
 than either Magnolia Hall or Mr. Bolster's pal- 
 ace-prison-fortress. Edward told me that it was 
 the home of a Mr. and Mrs. Slabb, who suffered 
 much under the tyranny of a houseful of female 
 servants. He had strong hopes that they could 
 be worked up to revolt. 
 
 As we walked up the garden path, we observed 
 some of the furniture grouped awkwardly round 
 the front door, and had to pick our way through 
 a barricade of chairs before we reached it, and 
 rang the bell. 
 
 It was answered by an elderly maid, with her 
 head tied up in a duster, and a broom in her hand. 
 She did not look at all pleased to see us, and said 
 
UPSIDONIA 209 
 
 at once : " We can't admit any callers to-day. 
 The downstairs rooms are being turned out/' 
 
 Then she recognised Edward, and said more 
 amiably : " Oh, it's you, Mr. Perry ! If you 
 have come district-visiting, I don't so much mind. 
 They're in bed. We can't have them about when 
 we are busy. Perhaps you and your friend 
 would like to go up and sit with them for half an 
 hour. Poor things, they'll be glad of a little com- 
 pany. We can't expect them to enjoy these 
 turning-out days as much as we do." 
 
 She led the way upstairs, and Edward threw 
 an expressive look at me as we were shown into a 
 large bedroom, where Mr. and Mrs. Slabb were 
 lying side by side in a large bed, with a breakfast 
 tray on a table by their side. 
 
 " Here is Mr. Perry come to see you, with a 
 friend," said the maid. " You'll be glad to have 
 a little chat. We're getting on very well down- 
 stairs, but I'm afraid you won't be able to get up 
 to-day, as we have decided to have all the car- 
 pets beaten, and I'm not certain we shan't have 
 the sweep in to-morrow. But I mustn't stand 
 here talking." 
 
 She took the breakfast tray and went out of the 
 room, and the old lady and gentleman brightened 
 up a good deal as Edward sat down and began 
 to talk to them. 
 
 " We do so 'ate these days in bed," said Mrs. 
 
 o 
 
210 UPSIDONIA 
 
 Slabb pathetically, " and they won't even let us 
 'ave no books to read, because Augusta likes to 
 arrange them all in colours on the shelves down- 
 stairs, and she won't 'ave 'em took out. It do 
 seem rather 'ard, don't it ? " 
 
 When I heard of this " turning-out " process 
 taking place regularly twice a week — once for the 
 downstairs rooms and once for the upstairs — and 
 that each floor took one whole day, and some- 
 times more, I thought it was rather hard. Mr. 
 and Mrs. Slabb kept four maids, all demons for 
 cleanliness and order. Sunday was the only day 
 on which they could count, with certainty, on not 
 being kept in bed or confined to one room down- 
 stairs ; and even then they were only allowed to 
 sit on certain chairs, and might not amuse them- 
 selves in any way, for the four maids were strict 
 Sabbatarians. 
 
 But in spite of their much-hampered life 
 neither Mr. nor Mrs. Slabb received with any 
 favour Edward's invitation to them to dismiss 
 the whole of their household and join the revolt 
 of the masters and mistresses. Their faces grew 
 longer and longer as he described the battle 
 already joined. 
 
 " They are very good to us on the 'ole," said 
 Mrs. Slabb. " We are more like friends than 
 mistress and servants — not like some. Sometimes 
 they even asks us to sit with them in the kitchen 
 
UPSIDONIA 211 
 
 on Sunday evenings and sing 'ymns. I shouldn't 
 like to do nothink to offend them. And Augusta's 
 'ad trouble, too. Her 'usband took and run off 
 with 'is master's daughter, when they was butler 
 and cook together in a big 'ouse. No, Mr. Perry, 
 I shouldn't like to seem ungrateful to them. 
 And, after all, it is nice to 'ave your 'ouse lookin' 
 as clean as a new pin, always, ain't it ? It's 
 worth givin' up somethink for." 
 
 " P'raps they'll let us get up for a little this 
 afternoon and 'ave a walk in the garden," said 
 Mr. Slabb, hopefully. " The carpets was beat 
 only las' week, and they can't take so long. We'd 
 be careful not to get in the way." 
 
 As Edward said afterwards, what could you do 
 with people like that ? They hugged their chains. 
 
 In one of the houses we visited we came across 
 a man who had suffered a great disappointment. 
 He had seen an advertisement of somebody's 
 self -digesting food, and had ordered in a large 
 supply of it. But his idea that it would digest 
 itself if you left it alone long enough had turned 
 out to be erroneous, and his servants were forcing 
 him to go through the preliminary process of 
 swallowing it. 
 
 He joined Edward's league. 
 
 In was in the larger houses that Edward gained 
 the few adherents that were the meagre result of 
 the morning's visiting. Most of these houses were 
 
212 UPSIDONIA 
 
 so crammed with furniture and foolish and taste- 
 less ornaments that it was almost impossible to 
 move in them, for their owners were compelled to 
 go on buying. I noticed that Edward's mention 
 of Mr. Bolster's glorious breaking of glass had 
 more effect than any of his arguments. I would 
 mark the eyes of the man — it was nearly always 
 a man to whom he was speaking — brighten, as he 
 looked furtively round the room, and fed his 
 imagination on one glorious crowded ten minutes, 
 in which he would demolish every detested article 
 around him. And indeed one gentleman, in a 
 vast saloon containing several hundreds of china 
 and glass ornaments, began then and there. We 
 left him whooping with joy as he made a deter- 
 mined onslaught on them with a poker. 
 
 Edward was frankly disappointed at the result 
 of his campaign. " What is the good of trying to 
 help them ? " he asked. " They will not help 
 themselves. I sometimes ask myself if most of 
 them really desire to be poor, and to gain all the 
 benefits of character that come from poverty." 
 
 " Probably not," I replied. " If you were to 
 take away the obligation of over-stuffing them- 
 selves with food and their houses with furniture, 
 and give them servants they could order about, 
 I should think they would consider themselves 
 well-off." 
 
 " I am afraid you are right," said Edward, with 
 
UPSIDONIA 213 
 
 a sigh. " I verily believe that if we had offered 
 to take money from all the people we have visited, 
 instead of asking them to bestir themselves to 
 gain their own freedom, our morning would have 
 been a triumphant success." 
 
 " Well, shall we try ? " I suggested. " There 
 is still time." 
 
 But Edward scoffed at the idea of mere in- 
 discriminate charity. " It would only be tinker- 
 ing at the disease," he said. " I want to cure it." 
 
CHAPTER XXIV 
 
 Edward now announced his intention of going 
 in to Culbut to call on a Cabinet Minister of ad- 
 vanced Radical views. 
 
 " 1 have great hopes of him," he said. " The 
 poor hate him, because they say he is trying to 
 foist property on to them by removing their taxes 
 one after the other, and piling them on the rich, 
 and that if he goes on in this way much longer he 
 will wreck the Constitution, and that that is 
 really what he wishes to do. They say he is on 
 the side of capital because he has none himself ; 
 but, as a matter of fact, he has sprung from the 
 rich, and has a very tender heart for their suffer- 
 ings ; I have often heard him say so. If he will 
 put himself at the head of this movement its suc- 
 cess will be assured." 
 
 I wished Edward good luck, and when I had 
 seen him safely round the corner set out to find 
 Mr. Hobson's house. 
 
 According to Upsidonian ideas, this unfortun- 
 ate man had certainly been brought to a pass of 
 great misery. He lived in a large and handsome 
 mansion surrounded by some acres of ground, and 
 kept up an imposing establishment. 
 
 I was shown into a library very richly furnished, 
 214 
 
UPSIDONIA 215 
 
 but in far better taste than any of the rooms I had 
 been in on my visits that morning. The effect 
 was somewhat spoiled to my eye by a plain deal- 
 topped table and three or four Windsor chairs, 
 which were mixed up with the rest of the furni- 
 ture ; but tears came into my eyes — or should 
 have done — when I reflected that these were pro- 
 bably the few articles that Mr. Hobson had been 
 able to save from the wreck of his fortunes, and 
 must be very dear to him as reminders of his 
 former simple and happy life. Probably they 
 would have to go soon, for he would not be able to 
 take up room with them which might be filled 
 with more expensive articles. 
 
 I was sitting in one of the Windsor chairs when 
 Mr. Hobson came into the room. He was a 
 dejected-looking man of middle age, with refined 
 features and courteous manners, and my heart 
 leapt as I thought of the solace I was about to 
 bring to his over-burdened mind. 
 
 " Mr. Hobson," I said, coming at once to the 
 point, " I have heard your sad story, and I have 
 come to offer you some small relief. I am pre- 
 pared to accept from you the sum of twenty- 
 thousand pounds, and I hope that with this as- 
 sistance you will be able to make a fresh start and 
 get free of your difficulties. " 
 
 His thin face, already beginning to fill out from 
 the course of high feeding to which he had been 
 
216 UPSIDONIA 
 
 brought, flushed eagerly, and his eyes brightened, 
 but sank immediately to their previous unhappy 
 dullness. 
 
 " You are very kind, Mr. Howard/' he said, 
 " but I am beyond help, I fear. I could not hold 
 out any hope of asking you to repay me. My 
 spirit is broken. Nothing goes right with me. 
 A week ago I might have accepted such relief, 
 and promised to take back the money when times 
 were brighter. But they will never be brighter 
 for me. I could not even use the interest you would 
 pay me for a sum of twenty thousand pounds." 
 
 " But I don't want to pay the money back, and 
 I don't want to pay any interest," I assured him. 
 " I am not a money borrower. I have a good deal 
 less than I know what to do with, and nothing will 
 give me greater pleasure than to receive twenty 
 thousand pounds, or even thirty thousand, as a 
 free gift from you. We should keep the transac- 
 tion entirely to ourselves, and nobody outside 
 need know anything about it at all." 
 
 He stared at me in amazement, and then sud- 
 denly broke down altogether, and sobbed. " Oh, 
 it is too much ! " he cried. " Who are you, that 
 you come as a messenger of hope, when nothing 
 but ruin and darkness seemed to surround me ? 
 And why do you do it ? " 
 
 These were rather awkward questions. 
 " Never mind that," I said. " Everybody has 
 
UPSIDONIA 217 
 
 his own axe to grind, and I assure you that 
 you will oblige me as much as I shall oblige 
 you by presenting me with twenty thous- 
 and pounds, or even thirty thousand, as I 
 said. Yes, we will make it thirty thousand. 
 You shall write me a cheque at once — to bearer — 
 and I will go straight to the bank and get the 
 money." 
 
 When I had overcome his resistance, which 
 wasted a lot of time, he told me that he could not 
 write me a cheque as every penny that came in 
 was re-invested at once, in a mad effort to lose it. 
 " But if you are really serious," he said, " I can 
 give you stocks and shares to the amount you so 
 generously mention, and you can realise on them, 
 or keep them on the chance of going down if you 
 like, which they might do for you but will never 
 do for me." 
 
 I was a little disappointed, but it made it 
 easier for me in one way, for I could pretend that 
 I hoped the securities would show a downward 
 movement ; and it also made it easier for him. 
 Before we had completed our business, Mr. Hob- 
 son had almost persuaded himself that he was 
 doing me a good turn in presenting me with the 
 shares, which he said were bound to lose me a 
 large fortune if I could hold on to them long 
 enough ; and I encouraged him to believe that I 
 should hold on to them with that end in view. 
 
218 UPSIDONIA 
 
 It ended in my accepting thirty-five thousand 
 one pound shares in the Mount Lebanon gold 
 mine, the purchase of which had been the chief 
 cause of Mr. Hobson's downfall. 
 
 " I bought them at a low figure," he said. " I 
 had been told that the reef would peter out im- 
 mediately. But I had no sooner bought them 
 than they found another still richer one, and they 
 have been paying forty per cent ever since. 
 They now stand at about eighty shillings, but I 
 do believe that the end is in sight, and they may 
 come down with a run any day. If only I could 
 have stuck to them ! But, oh, Mr. Howard, how 
 can I ever thank you ? With this burden re- 
 moved, I shall be able to right myself by degrees. 
 I shall be a new man/' 
 
 He looked it already. His eyes sparkled, and 
 he held his head erect. But when he suggested 
 calling his wife to thank me for all I had done, I 
 rose and said I must be going. 
 
 " Now it is understood that nobody knows 
 about this," I said. " And please don't thank 
 me any more. I know what I am doing, and I 
 assure you I am very pleased to have these 
 Mount Lebanons." 
 
 I shook hands with him, and got out of the 
 house as quickly as he and the servants would 
 let me. 
 
 I was a little frightened by what I had done. 
 
UPSIDONIA 219 
 
 After intending to accept only twenty thousand 
 pounds, I had promised to take over shares 
 worth about seven times that amount, if I realised 
 on them at their present figure ; and I knew that 
 I should be considered to have committed an act 
 of sheer lunacy if it came to the ears of Mr. Perry 
 or Edward. Besides, I could hardly get used 
 to the idea all at once that I had suddenly become 
 a rich man, and feared some stroke of fate that 
 would, after all, deprive me of my well-gotten 
 wealth. 
 
 I had had to give Herman Eppstein's name as 
 the stockbroker who would arrange the trans- 
 fer, as he was the only one I knew. There 
 was some risk that he would give me away, but 
 I thought I should be able to impose secrecy on 
 him, as he had not struck me as a man of much 
 independence of character. At any rate, I must 
 risk it. I decided to call on him that afternoon, 
 and now made my way back to Magnolia Hall 
 for luncheon. 
 
CHAPTER XXV 
 
 An unpleasant surprise awaited rne. I was in- 
 formed by Mr. Blother, who came in answer to my 
 ring at the bell, while 1 waited by the open door,* 
 that Lord Potter had called while I was out, 
 with an inspector of police, for the purpose of 
 taking my finger-prints, and would return some- 
 time in the afternoon. 
 
 " What infernal impudence ! " I said, as Mr. 
 Blother showed me into the morning-room, pre- 
 paratory to informing Mrs. Perry that I had re- 
 turned. " I certainly shan't stay in." 
 
 " Oh, but you must," he said, " or they can 
 have you up. Potter is dying to get at you. I 
 gave him a piece of my mind this morning, but I 
 can't say that it made much impression on him. 
 I know Potter of old ; we were at the university 
 together. He is arrogance personified. He pre- 
 tended not to know me this morning, and asked 
 me a lot of questions about my master and mis- 
 tress — as to how they spent their money, and 
 whether there was any difficulty about keeping 
 up the household bills to the proper figure. I 
 told him plainly that if he had taken on the job of 
 
 * See page 67. 
 
 220 
 
UPSIDONIA 221 
 
 an inspector he had no right to come without his 
 uniform, and if he hadn't the accounts of this 
 house were no affair of his. The impudence of 
 his pretending that he thought the Perrys were 
 ordinary rich people whose house he could go in 
 and out of just as it pleased him ! I would not 
 even take his name into them, and he went away 
 without having got much change out of me. You 
 stand up to him when he comes this afternoon. 
 Satisfy the police that you had nothing to do with 
 the burglary, and don't let him see that you are 
 annoyed with him for putting them on to you. 
 You will score off him best if you ignore him al- 
 together. Well, I will tell Mrs. Perry that you 
 are here. Mr. Howard, is it not ? I don't think 
 you gave me a card." 
 
 When the necessary formalities had been gone 
 through, and I had taken my place at the lunch- 
 eon table, I asked what right Lord Potter had to 
 accompany the police in their duties, and to make 
 himself obnoxious to anyone whom he happened 
 to dislike. 
 
 " None," said Mr. Perry emphatically. 
 
 But Mrs. Perry said : " Well, he is a member 
 of the House of Lords. As such, he might con- 
 sider it his duty to look into anything that he 
 thought was going wrong." 
 
 " As a member of the House of Lords," said Mr. 
 Perry, didactically, " he has a share in making 
 
222 UPSIDONIA 
 
 laws which we all have to obey. It is not part 
 of his duty to administer them/' 
 
 " I beg your pardon," said Lord Arthur. " I 
 don't like Potter, but I must stand up for him 
 there. It is his duty as a member of the ruling 
 class to interest himself in public behaviour. 
 The House of Lords has been shorn of much of its 
 powers, but the influence of its members remains." 
 
 " As the son of a peer, my dear Arthur," said 
 Mr. Perry, " you are quite right to stand up for 
 your order, and if every peer were like your 
 father there would be no objection to their claim- 
 ing such rights as Lord Potter, for instance, 
 claims — to have free entry into every house, in 
 order that he may satisfy himself that its occu- 
 pants are behaving themselves as they should do. 
 But we are a democratic country, and, as things 
 stand now, such a claim as that must be resisted, 
 however reasonable it may have been a hundred 
 years ago." 
 
 ' I don't know that I altogether agree with you 
 there, Perry," said Mr. Blother. " I admit that it 
 is intolerable that such a man as Potter should 
 force an entrance into your house, however you 
 may choose to live. But you would hardly ob- 
 ject to a peer entering the establishment of a man, 
 let us say, like Bolster — an admitted member of 
 the lower classes." 
 
 " Edward would," said Tom. " He said the 
 
UPSIDONIA 223 
 
 other day that however rich a man was he ought 
 to be free from interference in his own house." 
 
 " Oh, but Edward is an advanced Socialist," 
 said Lord Arthur. " He would deny that a peer 
 was any better than anybody else." 
 
 " You would not go so far as to say, I suppose," 
 said Mr. Blother, still addressing Mr. Perry, and 
 at the same time handing him a mayonnaise of 
 salmon, " that the House of Lords did not know 
 what was good for the people — the common 
 people, I mean — better than they know them- 
 selves ? " 
 
 " I should deny," said Mr. Perry, " that each 
 member of the peerage knew better than each 
 member of the proletariat what was best for 
 him." 
 
 " If that is the case," said Lord Arthur, in some 
 excitement, " I beg to give you a month's notice, 
 Mr. Perry. I can cope with Edward, but if you 
 are going to preach revolutionary views it is time 
 I looked out for another situation. I only took 
 service here because my father said that your 
 political views were sound at bottom, although 
 you went farther than he approved of in many 
 ways." 
 
 " Oh, dear Lord Arthur ! " said Mrs. Perry in 
 her pleasant sensible voice, " you know that you 
 mustn't take everything that my husband says 
 literally. I am sure that he only means that 
 
224 UPSIDONIA 
 
 peers who have no official position should be care- 
 ful how they exercise their rights over other 
 people." 
 
 " Quite so," said Mr. Perry, and went on to ex- 
 plain that noblemen like Lord Blueberry, who 
 accepted a post under Government, even if it 
 were not actually one of inspection, were going 
 the right way to work. 
 
 " As a postman," he said, " Victor Blueberry 
 gains entrance to all the houses on his round in a 
 way that cannot upset anybody, and none of 
 those whom he visits can object to his making any 
 investigations that he may wish to make, in the 
 course of his duty, on their way of living. And 
 the same is true of Hugh Rumborough, when he 
 takes round their greens, although he is not in so 
 strong a position because he is not an official. I 
 only say that with the onward march of demo- 
 cracy it is no longer wise for a peer to pursue 
 his investigations harshly." 
 
 This seemed to satisfy Lord Arthur, who with- 
 drew his notice, and left the room for a time to 
 compose himself. 
 
 Later on, when Mr. Blother had also left us to 
 ourselves, Mr. Perry said : " Of course one has to 
 be careful how one expresses one's self before 
 Arthur. He doesn't see that what may be un- 
 objectionable in certain cases would be inde- 
 fensible if it were acted upon everywhere. At 
 
UPSIDONIA 225 
 
 one time a peer of the realm had the right to make 
 his will prevail over everybody beneath his own 
 rank ; but the right has fallen into disuse, and is 
 now only exercised in the case of those who are 
 not in a position to resent it. Arthur would, no 
 doubt, admit that it would be an intolerable state 
 of affairs if any peer took to interfering with any 
 commoner, whatever position he might hold ; 
 and that if it were done to any extent, the right 
 would have to be taken away. It is only by 
 exercising it carefully, and, as I say, on those who 
 are not in a position to resent it, that the peers 
 can expect to keep it at all." 
 
 " Then I understand/' I said, " that Lord 
 Potter, as a peer, really has the right to come and 
 interfere with me, although he holds no official 
 position." 
 
 " If you refuse to acknowledge his right," said 
 Mr. Perry, " as I certainly do, if he tries to force 
 himself into this house he will not find any 
 tribunal in the country that will punish you for 
 it. 
 
 Miriam and I went into her garden after lunch- 
 eon. When we had shut the gate and were alone 
 together in that green and shady retreat, I took 
 her sweet face between my hands and kissed it. 
 
 " They have been saying all sorts of things 
 about me," I said. " Do you believe them ? " 
 
 She looked me straight in the eyes, and laughed. 
 
 p 
 
226 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " What, that you are not quite right in your 
 head ? " she asked. 
 
 1 Well, that was Edward's idea. Blother in- 
 clines to the opinion that I was drunk." 
 
 "Mr. Blother is a very silly old man," said 
 Miriam, " and dear old Edward is so taken up 
 with his own affairs that one need never pay 
 much attention to what he says. But, John — 
 truly now — you are not teasing me about Eng- 
 land ? You can find your way there and it is 
 as nice as you say it is ? ,; 
 
 " Of course I can find my way there. I only 
 wish I could go and find it now, this minute, and 
 take you with me." 
 
 She sighed. We were now sitting on the gar- 
 den seat. " I almost wish you could," she said. 
 " I should like to get off all the bother of the 
 wedding. I dread that more than anything." 
 
 " Why %* I asked, in some surprise. " I 
 thought everything was going to be as simple as 
 possible." 
 
 " Well, father says now that he thinks we must 
 have a rich wedding, and ask all our friends 
 amongst the lower classes. I should like them to 
 come, of course, because a lot of them are real 
 friends ; but I do hate the idea of a regular rich 
 wedding." 
 
 " Why does your father think we ought to have 
 one ? " I asked. " He seemed to be pleased that 
 
UPSIDONIA 227 
 
 I wasn't a man like Eppstein, and that you were 
 marrying into your own class/' 
 
 " Yes, but he says there will be such a lot of 
 talk if we only have our poor friends. People 
 are always saying that he isn't really in sympathy 
 with the rich at all. Of course it isn't true, but 
 if we had a rich wedding, and invited all the rich 
 people and gave them presents, it would show 
 that he does think more of them than just of 
 pleasing our poor relations." 
 
 " Should we have to give them presents — 
 expensive ones ? " 
 
 " Yes. They are awfully good. Lots of the 
 women in mother's district have promised to take 
 jewels. They are quite excited about my mar- 
 riage, and would like to see me settled as poorly 
 provided for as possible. Perhaps it wouldn't be 
 fair to disappoint them. But I do hate it so." 
 
 " Well, so do I," I said. "And I should hate 
 to give away a lot of presents to people who had 
 never done me any harm." 
 
 " Dear old boy ! " she said affectionately. 
 " Mother rather hates the idea of it too. But she 
 feels, perhaps, that we ought to think of our rich 
 friends at a time like this." 
 
 " Miriam," I said, boldly, " we can't face it. 
 Let us go away together and get married quietly 
 when we get to England." 
 
 The idea seemed to strike her as something 
 
228 UPSIDONIA 
 
 rather dreadful and rather pleasing at the same 
 time. She blushed, but her eyes were bright. 
 
 " Oh, we couldn't," she said. 
 
 " Yes, we could. Let us go away in a week's 
 time, before all the fuss begins, and escape it." 
 
 " It really would be rather fun ! " She was 
 half joking, half in earnest, but, at any rate, she 
 had admitted the idea into her mind, and gradu- 
 ally as I pressed her, making light of all difficul- 
 ties, she began to waver towards acquiescence, in 
 earnest. What her mother would think was 
 the chief obstacle. 
 
 " I am sure she would be just as relieved as we 
 should at escaping all the bother," I said. " You 
 could leave her a letter." 
 
 " I could come back and see her after we were 
 married." 
 
 " Yes, of course. We would come back to 
 Upsidonia whenever we wanted some more — I 
 mean whenever you wanted to. Oh, Miriam, 
 say yes ! " 
 
 She did not say yes at once, but she did a little 
 later. She had a great sense of adventure, and 
 became even excited at the prospect, when she 
 had once consented to it. We decided to go away 
 together very early in the morning in a week's 
 time. 
 
CHAPTER XXV 
 
 As long as I remained in Miriam's garden, I was 
 safe from interruption. If the police had been 
 waiting to arrest me for a crime, they could not 
 have got at me, or even summoned me from out- 
 side, but must have waited until I chose to ap- 
 pear. 
 
 But when we had made our plans together, I 
 thought I had better go and see if they had called 
 again, and, if they had, give them my finger- 
 prints and get it over. 
 
 When Miriam and I left her garden and shut 
 the gate behind us, the first thing we saw was the 
 ragged figure of Lord Potter, who was shuffling 
 about with his shoulders hunched up and his 
 hands in his pockets, looking at the flower-beds. 
 Hovering about at some little distance from him 
 was Mollie, who made excited signs in our 
 direction when she saw us. 
 
 Lord Potter saw us at the same time, and came 
 across the lawn with a very disagreeable expres- 
 sion on his dirty face. " The police are waiting 
 for you up at the house, sir." he said. " It is 
 just like you to take refuge in a lady's garden. 
 
 229 
 
230 UPSIDONIA 
 
 But if you think you are going to escape me this 
 time you are much mistaken. Off with you at 
 once ! I am not in a mood to be kept waiting 
 any longer." 
 
 He held out his hand towards the house with a 
 commanding gesture, and I was just about to 
 reply to him, not altogether pacifically, when 
 Miriam's clear young voice broke in. 
 
 " Mollie ! " she called, and when Mollie came to 
 her, she said : " Run at once and fetch Mr. Hobbs 
 and Sir Herbert. Tell them that there is some- 
 one in the garden who has no right to be here." 
 
 Mollie ran off, and Lord Potter's face darkened. 
 " Do you know who I am, Miss Perry ? " he 
 asked haughtily. " But of course you do. 
 What is the meaning of this strange behaviour ? ' 
 
 Miriam turned her shoulder to him, and taking 
 my arm led me towards the house. 
 
 Lord Potter shuffled after us, and said angrily : 
 " Answer me, please ! What do you mean by 
 treating me in this way 1 " 
 
 He was on the other side of Miriam, and his 
 unsavoury presence was nearer to her than I cared 
 for. I let go of her arm, and pushed in between 
 them. 
 
 " Keep your distance," I said, and trod by mis- 
 take — at least — well, trod will do — on his toe. 
 
 My boots were new and strong, and his were in 
 the last stages of consumption. With a cry of 
 
UPSIDONIA 231 
 
 rage and agony, he took the damaged foot in his 
 hand, and hopped about on the other, while he 
 vented on me a flood of violent abuse. 
 
 At that moment Mr. Hobbs and Sir Herbert 
 appeared on the scene. Miriam stopped and 
 said : " My father has refused to have this man in 
 the house, and we have just found him walking 
 about in the garden. Will you please put him 
 outside the gate ? " 
 
 Lord Potter faced them. " If you dare lay a 
 finger on me," he began 
 
 But Mr. Hobbs, who thought there was nobody 
 in the world like Miriam, and would have turned 
 an emperor out of the garden if she had asked him, 
 laid a large hand on his shoulder, and said : " I 
 don't know who you are, but you get out of my 
 garden." 
 
 Sir Herbert laid his hand on the other shoulder, 
 and between them they shifted Lord Potter to- 
 wards the drive, faster than was altogether con- 
 venient to him. 
 
 He was so taken aback by this treatment that 
 at first he could only expostulate violently. 
 But as it continued he began to resist, and then 
 Sir Herbert, who was an athletic young man, 
 took him by the collar with one hand and the seat 
 of his trousers with the other, and ran him forcibly 
 across the lawn. 
 
 The sight was so comic that I burst out laugh- 
 
232 UPSIDONIA 
 
 ing. Mo Hie did the same, jumping and clapping 
 her hands with delight, and Miriam was not long 
 in following suit. I was delighted to think that 
 Lord Potter could not possibly help hearing us. 
 The crowning point of the scene was when Tom, 
 who had a half-holiday that afternoon, ran out of 
 the house with a hand camera, and succeeded in 
 taking two snapshots of the progression before it 
 ended at the gate. 
 
 Sir Herbert came back grinning, and said : 
 " I have owed his lordship one for a long time. 
 When I was a boy at school, he got me a swishing 
 for pea-shooting at him." 
 
 As for Lord Potter, he went off down the Cul- 
 but Road, without once turning back ; and if ever 
 a man looked like making mischief, he did. 
 
 The affair with the police was soon over. I put 
 on a dignified air, and did all that they asked me 
 to do without making any difficulty about it. 
 They were actually apologetic before they 
 left, and I was not surprised when they told me 
 that they had already found and arrested the man 
 who had committed the burglary, and that it was 
 only because Lord Potter had insisted that they 
 had worried me over the matter at all. They had 
 been quite sure all along that I could have had 
 nothing to do with it. 
 
 " Lord Potter knew that as well as you did," I 
 said. " I rather wonder — if I may be permitted 
 
UPSIDONIA 233 
 
 to say so — that you should have lent yourselves 
 to pay off his scores." 
 
 They looked a little foolish at that, and one of 
 them said : " We shall not act on his instructions 
 again. Lord Potter is, no doubt, a very im- 
 portant personage, but he must not think that he 
 can make use of our service for his private ends." 
 
 " I have just seen him doing the frog's march 
 out of the garden/' I said, " and I expect when 
 you get back you will find him there, wanting to 
 have some arrests made for assault. He looked 
 like that, as far as I could judge from his back. 
 You might tell him that photographs were taken 
 of him, in a position not calculated to add lustre 
 to his name, if they came to be published. It 
 might be worth his while not to take any further 
 steps." 
 
 The policemen laughed and went away. Whether 
 they gave Lord Potter the hint or not, neither 
 Mr. Hobbs nor Sir Herbert heard anything fur- 
 ther of their treatment of him. 
 
 Later in the afternoon I called on Herman 
 Eppstein at his office, and arranged for the trans- 
 fer of the Mount Lebanon shares. He looked 
 grave when I told him what a large block of them 
 I had taken over, and said that there had been a 
 distinct upward movement in Mount Lebanons 
 during the last few days." 
 
 " I'm afraid you have bought at a very bad 
 
234 UPSID0N1A 
 
 time/' he said. " I wish you had consulted me 
 first. I could 'ave put you on to a better spec 
 than that. You may get badly 'it. And what- 
 ever made you take all your eggs out of one bas- 
 ket ? Why, you'll make a fortune if these 'ere 
 shares do go up, and what'll the family say to 
 that, eh ? " 
 
 " I know what I'm doing," I said stiffly. 
 " And I'll ask you to remember that I'm con- 
 sulting you professionally, and in confidence. 
 I should naturally not have come to you if I had 
 had any fear that you would so far forget your- 
 self as to blab of business outside your office. 
 No gentleman would allow himself to do such a 
 thing." 
 
 That touched him. " Well, I 'ope I know 'ow 
 to be'ave like a gentleman," he said in an injured 
 voice. " Nothing that's said in this room by a 
 client goes outside it." 
 
 " Oh, I knew I was safe enough with you, 
 really," I said carelessly. " I have proved that 
 by coming here." 
 
 Then I gave him my instructions about selling 
 the shares on a certain date, speaking as if I had 
 information as to some favourable movement 
 likely to take place before then ; and impressed 
 him somewhat with my air of inside knowledge. 
 I left him fairly confident that he would not give 
 me away. 
 
UPSIDONIA 235 
 
 The day I had fixed on for selling was the day 
 before Miriam and I had arranged to leave the 
 country together. I should realise my com- 
 fortable fortune, and Herman Eppstein might 
 say what he liked about it afterwards. 
 
CHAPTER XXVI 
 
 We sat down to dinner that evening without Ed- 
 ward, but nobody expressed any anxiety about 
 him, as his philanthropic enterprises often de- 
 tached him from the family circle. I said noth- 
 ing about our visits of the morning, as I thought 
 that Mr. and Mrs. Perry would be disturbed if 
 they knew that he was taking part in fanning the 
 agitation amongst the masters and mistresses 
 of Culbut. 
 
 The evening papers were full of it. Mr. and 
 Mrs. Bolster were still in a state of siege, and it 
 seemed unlikely that they would be dislodged 
 unless the authorities prevailed on their various 
 tradespeople to stop their supplies. Considering 
 Mr. Bolster's treatment of them, I should have 
 thought this would not be difficult, but it was 
 explained to me that if they did not supply a 
 customer with goods ordered by him, they not 
 only had those goods left on their hands, but had 
 to receive payment for them as well. Conse- 
 quently, they would not consent to starve out 
 Mr. and Mrs. Bolster unless they were indemni- 
 fied against gain by the police ; but probably that 
 would be done in a day or two. In the meantime, 
 
 236 
 
UPSIDONIA 237 
 
 Mr. Bolster was having the time of his life, and 
 providing splendid copy for the papers. 
 
 I learnt, from the papers that Mr. Perry had 
 brought home, and from his reports of what he 
 had heard, that the movement had gathered a 
 good deal more way than I should have thought 
 possible from my experiences of the morning. 
 Quite a number of rich people had followed Mr. 
 Bolster's example, had turned out their servants, 
 shut themselves up in their houses, and thrown 
 things out of the windows. In some cases the 
 servants had successfully resisted them, and had 
 turned them out of their own houses. But it 
 was doubtful whether this was altogether a wise 
 step on their part, because, in the first place, 
 it was an illegal action, and gave the masters 
 and mistresses a legitimate grievance, and in the 
 second it left them free to go about and stir 
 up further trouble. 
 
 Mr. Perry shook his head over the whole busi- 
 ness. " It is the result/' he said, " of last year's 
 phenomenal harvest. There has been great dis- 
 tress amongst the rich ever since. Food has 
 dropped in price, and many families are feeling 
 the pinch of prosperity who have got along very 
 well so far. Unfortunately, this year seems likely 
 to be an even more prosperous one than last. I 
 much fear that we are at the commencement of a 
 prolonged period of social unrest. But it is a 
 
238 UPSIDONIA 
 
 bad look-out if it is going to be met in this way. 
 The people who are taking the law into their own 
 hands will not really better themselves in the long 
 run, and they will get many more into trouble who 
 are innocent of all offence." 
 
 " I cannot find it in my heart to blame them 
 much/' said Mrs. Perry. " No-one who has not gone 
 about amongst them as I have can form any idea 
 of what they have to suffer. One would have 
 to have a hard heart not to wish to help them." 
 
 " There are many of us who are trying to help 
 them," said Mr. Perry. " If everybody in the 
 country would live only half as well as we do, 
 there would be no problem of wealth at all." 
 
 " And you have proved," I said boldly, " that 
 one can live in easy surroundings without losing 
 anything in character, and without depriving 
 oneself of any legitimate pleasure in life." 
 
 But this statement was received well by nobody. 
 Mr. Perry said that I had probably been deceived 
 by the cheerfulness with which he confronted the 
 trials of his life, and asked me if I really thought 
 he enjoyed the luxuries to which he subjected 
 himself. Mrs. Perry said quietly that I did not 
 know how much their way of living cut them off 
 from their friends. Miriam said nothing, but 
 looked at me warningly, as if I were in danger of 
 letting out our secret. Mr. Blother said that I 
 didn't know what I was talking about. And 
 
UPS1D0NIA 239 
 
 Lord Arthur said pointedly that when people 
 stayed in rich houses, and were always trying to 
 sneak their work from the servants by doing 
 things for themselves, it was only natural that 
 they should hold silly views on the question. 
 
 ' This preposterous movement/' said Mr. 
 Blother, " ought to have been nipped in the bud. 
 I think, before we see the end of it, Perry, you 
 will be rather sorry that you have taken such 
 pains to improve the treatment of prisoners. 
 Give all these lunatics a year or two's dose of such 
 luxury as they have never dreamt of, and they 
 will be glad enough to get back to their own 
 homes, and settle down quietly to do what their 
 servants tell them." 
 
 '" If you were to shoot a few of them it would 
 be more to the point," said Lord Arthur vindic- 
 tively. " Brutes ! " 
 
 Edward did not return until late that night, 
 and came into my room to tell me what had hap- 
 pened. He was so exalted that he could not 
 sleep without unburdening himself, and what he 
 had to tell was interesting enough to keep me 
 awake for as long as he liked to stay talking. 
 
 The movement was fairly launched. The 
 Cabinet Minister upon whom he had called had 
 told Edward that he was then and always on the 
 side of the rich, but there were reasons, which he 
 would not waste valuable time by recounting, whv 
 
240 UPSIDONIA 
 
 he could not put himself at their head in the pre- 
 sent revolt. So they had had to do without him, 
 but had been so successful that his leadership 
 would hardly be missed. 
 
 " He will come in all right by and by, when he 
 sees how strong the agitation is," said Edward, 
 " but not as leader. He has missed that chance, 
 and will be sorry for it. We have done an im- 
 mense amount of work already. We have formed 
 a Masters' and Mistresses' Union, and have al- 
 ready got a surprising number of adherents. 
 To-morrow we expect to more than double our 
 figures, and before the week is out I believe we 
 shall be strong enough to resort to peaceful 
 picketing. Some of the younger men, who have 
 not yet lost their muscle through luxurious living, 
 will be told off for that purpose, and it will be 
 surprising if they cannot induce many to join 
 us who are still timidly holding off." 
 
 " Are the servants going to take united action?" 
 I asked. 
 
 " They look to the Government to help them," 
 said Edward. " It came in a year ago on the cry 
 of ' Work for All,' and their view is that it is bound 
 to see that they get work. They are at present 
 merely scandalised at finding that their victims 
 are determined to throw off the yoke, and, more- 
 over, are strong enough to do it. They will be 
 more scandalised still, to-morrow, and very soon 
 
UPSIDONIA 241 
 
 there will be so many of them without situations 
 that they will be forced to take some steps. But 
 in the meantime we shall organise — organise ; 
 and by the time they wake up to do the same we 
 shall be too strong for them. My dear fellow, 
 you have come to Culbut at a glorious moment. 
 The vile structure of tyranny is tottering to its 
 base, and before you are many days older you 
 will see it topple over and sink into the dust, 
 never more to be revived." 
 
 " That will be very interesting," I said. " You 
 don't think that the police will be strong enough 
 to scotch the movement, before it grows ? '' 
 
 " It has grown beyond that already. They 
 can't even get at Bolster. If they had been able 
 to arrest him at the start, they might have intim- 
 idated the rest. But there must be some scores 
 of people who have barricaded themselves into 
 their houses to-night, and thrown all their surplus 
 goods out of the window. They can't deal with 
 them all ; there aren't enough of them to do it. 
 No ; we have already got to the point at which we 
 can make terms. Very soon we shall be strong 
 enough to dictate them. Oh, my dear Howard, 
 I can't tell you what I feel about it. I feel in- 
 clined now, at this moment, to throw every 
 article of value in this room out of the window." 
 
 " Oh, I shouldn't do that if I were you," I said, 
 with an eye on the silver-backed brushes I had 
 
 Q 
 
242 UPSIDONIA 
 
 acquired at the Universal Stores. " There is 
 nothing to complain of in this house." 
 
 " Not much, perhaps, but there is the principle. 
 Still, our servants here are our friends. Blother 
 often spanked me as a child, and Arthur and I 
 played fives together at school. I don't want to 
 make trouble here. I think, considering what we 
 have done to help the rich, nobody can call us 
 disloyal for for standing outside." 
 
 " I am sure your father would much prefer it." 
 
 " Has he talked about it at all ? " Edward 
 asked, a little anxiously. " What are his views 
 of the movement 1 " 
 
 " I think he feels that it is a little too upsetting 
 altogether. He showed no disposition to throw 
 his dinner out of the window this evening." 
 
 " That would, perhaps, be too much to expect 
 of him," said Edward. " Twenty years ago I 
 am sure he would have been the first to do it." 
 
 " I am not so sure about that," I said. " He 
 seems to have taken his own quiet line from the 
 beginning. He has forced himself rigidly into a 
 life of luxury, and, as far as I have observed, has 
 never flinched from it." 
 
 " No," said Edward. " He has led a noble 
 and beautiful life of self-sacrifice, and it some- 
 times crosses my mind that it has rewarded him 
 by making him happier living as a rich man than 
 as a poor man," 
 
UPSIDONIA 243 
 
 " The same idea has occasionally crossed my 
 mind,' 5 1 said. " I shouldn't drag him in to it, if 
 I were you/' 
 
 " I think perhaps you are right. I should not 
 like to distract his mind by trying to persuade 
 him to take a leading part in this great fight for 
 freedom. Let him go on in his quiet unselfish 
 way. He has really been fighting for us, and 
 preparing the way for this all his life." 
 
 When Edward had told me all that had hap- 
 pened, and a great deal of what he hoped would 
 happen, he became rather pensive. 
 
 " Do you know," he said, " I believe this is the 
 last night I may sleep in my own peaceful home, 
 which, for all its drawbacks of wealth and ease, 
 is still very dear to me. It may be weeks, or 
 even years, before I may come back to it." 
 
 " Why do you think that ? " I asked. 
 
 " To-morrow we demonstrate. We march 
 through the streets of Culbut with banners. I 
 shall be at the head of the procession, with others. 
 of course, but at any rate in a prominent posi- 
 tion. I shall be a marked man." 
 
 Legitimate pride in the thought of this dis- 
 tinction seemed to be struggling in Edward's 
 mind with the melancholy that was fast stealing 
 over him. He paused, and then added with a 
 sigh : " Very likely I shall be arrested." 
 
 " Oh, well," I said, " if you put your head in 
 
244 UPSIDONIA 
 
 the lion's mouth you must be prepared for his 
 biting. I wish to goodness you would take it out 
 before it is too late — for the sake of your family, 
 if not for your own/' 
 
 But Edward would not do that ; he said that 
 he must go on with his work, wherever it led him. 
 The only encouragement I could give him was 
 that they would probably treat his as a political 
 offence, for which they would only imprison him 
 in the first division, in which, as he had once 
 assured me, they would give him plenty of manual 
 labour, and feed him chiefly on bread and water. 
 
 This cheered him somewhat, and he left me to 
 prepare himself for the morrow. 
 
CHAPTER XXVII 
 
 The parade of the newly-formed Masters' and 
 Mistresses' Union duly took place, and was at- 
 tended by no immediately unpleasant results 
 as far as Edward or the other leaders were con- 
 cerned. 
 
 It was quite an orderly demonstration, and its 
 organisers had been astute enough to disassociate 
 themselves from the anarchical proceedings of 
 Mr. Bolster, and those who had followed his lead. 
 I discovered that Edward had given me an over- 
 coloured account of the importance that these 
 outbreaks had had in the movement, and possibly 
 of his own share in directing it. He carried a 
 banner in the procession, on which had been em- 
 blazoned, rather hurriedly, the words : " We 
 Want to Make our own Beds," and marched, 
 surrounded by the mistresses, about half-way 
 down the line. If the police had made any ar- 
 rests, I doubt if they would have picked him out, 
 or even if they would have noticed him. 
 
 All would have gone well if Edward had now 
 been content to work on these safe and constitu- 
 tional lines. There were stronger heads than his 
 directing affairs, and with such success that they 
 
 245 
 
246 UPSIDONIA 
 
 were able to throw over those who had been res- 
 ponsible for quickening the unrest into life. They 
 even encouraged the police to take active steps 
 against those who had put themselves into a 
 state of siege. The tradespeople were forced 
 to stop their supplies, and they were all starved 
 out within a week. When they got them under 
 lock and key they dealt leniently with them, for 
 public opinion was largely on their side. But 
 Edward was so furious with the cynical way in 
 which his fellow progressives had repudiated 
 these noble-spirited pioneers that there was no 
 holding him, and at last he achieved that crown 
 of martyrdom for which he had thirsted, and was 
 arrested, as he was leaving a meeting of the 
 Super- Assessed Employers' Protest League. 
 
 I went to the Court to hear him tried, and met 
 one of the policemen who had come to take my 
 finger-prints. He told me that I had nearly been 
 arrested too, as I had been seen with Edward in 
 Mr. Bolster's garden when he had been persuad- 
 ing people to throw things out of their own win- 
 dows, in imitation of that hero, but the authori- 
 ties had refused to prosecute me. Without 
 actually saying so he gave me to understand 
 that Lord Potter was at the bottom of it, but that 
 the case against Edward was so strong that they 
 could not refuse to take it up when once the in- 
 formation had been laid. 
 
UPSIDONIA 247 
 
 Lord Potter pushed his way into the court as 
 we were speaking together, and when he saw ine 
 glared with fury, but said nothing, not even when 
 I asked him politely if he would like any more 
 prints of Tom's photographs. 
 
 These had turned out well, and created much 
 amusement in the family circle. Unknown to 
 Mr. Perry, who might have objected, a print of 
 each had been sent to Lord Potter, and had 
 probably pleased him less than the rest of us. 
 
 Edward stood up in the dock like a man, ac- 
 knowledged all that was alleged against him, 
 glorified in it, and made a speech to the efiect 
 that a day would come. 
 
 The magistrate listened to him indulgently, and 
 said he was sorry to see a young man of his charac- 
 ter and parentage in such a position. He would 
 not be doing his duty if he overlooked the offence, 
 but on account of Edward's hitherto blameless 
 record, and the purity of his intentions, would 
 sentence him to a month's imprisonment in the 
 first division. He hoped that this very lenient 
 punishment, for an offence that was graver than 
 he seemed to recognise, would encourage him for 
 the future to confine his efforts for the ameliora- 
 tion of the rich to more legitimate channels. 
 
 I shook Edward by the hand as he was led 
 away to undergo his punishment, and he told me 
 to tell his family not to grieve for him. Nothing 
 
248 UPSIDONIA 
 
 would daunt his spirit, and, if he survived his 
 punishment, he should come out of prison more 
 determined to carry on his work than when he 
 went in. 
 
 Edward's conviction cast a gloom over us at 
 Magnolia Hall. Mr. Perry was particularly cast 
 down by it, and did not seem to be able to take 
 any comfort from the fact that Edward was to be 
 treated as a prisoner of the first class. 
 
 " They are sending them to work underground 
 in the coal mines now," he said, " and they feed 
 them chiefly on skilly. These were reforms that 
 were long since overdue, and I have perhaps had 
 more to do with them than anybody. But, even 
 with those alleviations, imprisonment is a terrible 
 thing, and it goes to my heart that a son of mine 
 should be treated in this way, after all I have done. 
 I sometimes wonder whether it has been worth it, 
 and whether I should not have done better for 
 those dear to me if I had kept to the life to which I 
 was born/' 
 
 Mrs. Perry and Miriam both assured him that 
 he would not, and presently managed to assuage 
 the sharpness of his grief. 
 
 " You are one and all of you wonderful sup- 
 ports to a man who has taken up a thankless and 
 difficult task," he said. " When I see you so 
 cheerfully ready to bear your share of the burden, 
 I must not shrink from doing my part. I am 
 
UPSIDONIA 249 
 
 still whole-hearted in my sympathy with the rich. 
 Blother, old friend, bring up a bottle of cham- 
 pagne — two bottles. I must not falter. I cannot 
 go to prison, but I can and will continue to play 
 my part in the great work." 
 
 Blother brought the champagne. He was 
 much moved, and put all the trouble down to the 
 malignity of Lord Potter. 
 
 " No-one would have taken any notice of Ed- 
 ward's foolish little game if Potter hadn't forced 
 them to," he said. " It is well-known that Ed- 
 ward is a quite harmless crank, and for your sake, 
 Perry, they ought to have left him alone. But 
 don't take on about it. You won't find yourself 
 any the less regarded because of this, and when 
 young Edward comes back to us, we must try to 
 keep him in better order." 
 
 Mr. Blother was right in saying that no-one 
 thought the worse of Mr. Perry for the blow that 
 had been dealt him. He received many tokens 
 of sympathy from both public and private 
 sources, and soon came to regard Edward's im- 
 prisonment with complete equanimity. 
 
 " I think this trial must have been sent to me 
 for my good," he said to me two days later. " I 
 am experiencing a wonderful calm of spirit in 
 spite of it. I shall use the period of my poor Ed- 
 ward's incarceration as a breathing space, and 
 shall give up as many of my activities as possible 
 
250 UPSIDONIA 
 
 for the next month. When he returns to us, I 
 think I shall persuade him to travel for a time, 
 and after that we shall be able to return to our 
 work together with renewed zest." 
 
CHAPTER XXVIII 
 
 Two days after Edward's conviction, when we 
 were all getting a little accustomed to his loss, 
 Miriam and I had spent an hour of the afternoon 
 in her garden, laying plans for our now fast- 
 approaching elopement, and had just left it when 
 Mollie came running towards us with the news 
 that Herman and Amelia had come to tea, and 
 wanted to see us both. 
 
 I always felt a little uneasy at the thought of 
 Herman Eppstein, and as in two days' time he 
 was to sell my holding in Mount Lebanons, I 
 thought that he might have come to say some- 
 thing to me about them. 
 
 I was determined, however, that he should not 
 say it in the drawing-room, if I could possibly 
 help it. Directly we went in, I began to talk 
 about Edward, and about the exciting things 
 that were happening generally, and so infected 
 the rest with my loquacity that they all became 
 loquacious too, and we made an animated party. 
 Mr. Perry was there, which was somewhat un- 
 usual, but since Edward's departure he had been 
 about the house a good deal, and seemed to find 
 it restful. 
 
 251 
 
252 UPSIDONIA 
 
 I saw very plainly, though, that Eppstein was 
 dying to bring out some news, and only awaited 
 a lull in the conversation to do so. I was also 
 doubtful whether his wife did not know as much 
 about Mount Lebanons as he did, for her eye was 
 often fixed upon me with a curious expression. 
 She took her full share in the conversation, but I 
 could see that she would make no effort to pro- 
 long it if it flagged of its own accord. I tried to 
 make signs to Eppstein, but he either couldn't 
 or wouldn't understand them, and presently I 
 had to resign myself to some ultimate revelation. 
 
 Just as I thought, and the Eppsteins must also 
 have thought, that this time had come, there was 
 a diversion. I heard a ring at the front door bell, 
 and heard Blother and Lord Arthur go across the 
 hall to answer it. I exerted myself to give the 
 talk another fillip, until the caller, if there was one, 
 should arrive, and breathed again when the door 
 was flung open and Mr. Blother's sonorous voice 
 announced a name. But when I heard that name 
 my spirit sank again. 
 
 The visitor was Mr. Hobson, and he came into 
 the room with a wild and disordered air, which 
 changed to one of menace as, without even greet- 
 ing Mrs. Terry, he pointed at me and cried : 
 " Deceiver ! You are not what you pretend to 
 be!" 
 
 Few deceivers are ; and my conscience was not 
 
UPSIDONIA 253 
 
 wholly clear. But I was, at any rate, uncon- 
 scious of having done Mr. Hobson any harm, and 
 asked him, in some surprise, what complaint he 
 had against me. 
 
 It was Herman Eppstein who took up the 
 question, and dealt with it with a resource 
 which I should hardly have expected of him. 
 
 " I know all about it, Mr. 'Obson," he said, 
 " and you 'aven't nothing to grumble at. Mr. 
 'Oward took over your shares at market price, 
 and did you a very good turn. If you'd a knowed 
 you could do better by 'anging on to them, why 
 did you let 'em go ? " 
 
 Mr. Hobson sank into a chair, and buried his 
 face in his hands, rocking his body to and fro. 
 
 " I might have known it," he said. " Nothing 
 I ever do goes right. If I had kept those shares, 
 I should have been a poor man once more. And 
 I should have kept them, if he hadn't come and 
 pretended to be doing me a good turn." 
 
 He lifted up his head, and hissed the word : 
 " Viper ! " at me, and then subsided once more 
 into his state of misery. 
 
 " What is it all about, Herman 'i What has 
 happened ? " asked Mr. Perry. 
 
 I also wanted to know what had happened. I 
 was not feeling at all comfortable, and no longer 
 wished to prevent Eppstein from telling his 
 story. 
 
254 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " Mr. 'Oward took over thirty-five thousand 
 Mount Lebanon shares from Mr. 'Obson. It was 
 all in order, and Mr. 'Obson must 'ave been 
 precious glad to get rid of them. Mr. 'Oward 
 'olds them now, and I take this opportunity of 
 congratulating him. Still, I do think, as 'e 
 is almost a member of this family as you might 
 say, 'e might 'ave let some of the rest of us into 
 the know, instead of keeping all the good luck 
 to 'imself." 
 
 " What has happened ? " asked Mr. Perry 
 again. 
 
 " Arst 'im. 'E'll tell you," said Eppstein. 
 
 " I would rather you did," I said. " You can 
 put it more lucidly." 
 
 " Well, they've been rocky for a long time," 
 explained Eppstein, " but they bulled them up, 
 and never let on that they'd come to the end of 
 their lode. But this afternoon the news come 
 that there's been no gold for a long time, and 
 they've been paying interest out of capital. And 
 that ain't all. There's never been more than five 
 shillings a share paid on them. They're calling 
 up another five shillings at the end of a month, 
 and they'll call up the rest at three months inter- 
 vals, and then they'll wind up. 'Oward, I don't 
 bear no malice— you've got the bulge on all of us 
 this time — and I should like to shake 'ands with 
 you." 
 
UPSIDONIA 255 
 
 I shook hands with him, my brain in a tumult, 
 then with his wife, and finally with Mr. Perry, 
 who had by this time taken in the full meaning 
 of Eppstein's announcement, which was a good 
 deal more than 1 had. 
 
 It was Hobson who brought home to me the 
 appalling reality. 
 
 " He came to me," he said, accusingly, " and 
 offered to take twenty or thirty thousand pounds 
 from me as a free gift. He led me up to offering 
 him all my holding in Mount Lebanons. If I 
 had kept them I should have stood to lose over 
 £140,000 now, and should have been entitled 
 to pay up another £26,000 in calls — nearly 
 £170,000 in all. And now he has lost all that, and 
 I say it isn't fair. He has swindled me." 
 
 There followed an altercation between him and 
 Eppstein and Mr. Perry. Mr. Perry rebuked 
 him for the unfounded accusations he had made 
 against me, and Eppstein told him that he was the 
 swindler if he expected to lose it both ways. But 
 still, he kept on repeating his reproaches, and 
 finally I took a bold resolution, and generously 
 offered to let him have his shares back again. 
 
 But neither Eppstein nor Mr. Perry would hear 
 of this, and 1 was not in a position to press it. 
 After all, Hobson had already lost the full value 
 of his shares, and could only stand to gain by the 
 amount he would have had to pay up on the calls. 
 
256 UPSIDONIA 
 
 When this was pointed out to him, he ac- 
 knowledged that he had never been mueh of a 
 business-man, apologised to me for his behaviour, 
 and went away somewhat conforted, leaving me 
 to the congratulations of the family. 
 
 I accepted them, I hope, modestly. I was 
 almost paralysed by the blow. Instead of being 
 able to leave Upsidonia with a comfortable for- 
 tune, I should leave it under an appalling burden 
 of debt. I had lost a hundred and seventy 
 thousand pounds, and could only comfort myself 
 with the resolution never again as long as I lived 
 to put my finger in the Stock Exchange pie. 
 But it was cold comfort enough, and 1 broke 
 away as soon as I could from the delight of Mr. 
 Perry, who now saw in me a most eligible son-in- 
 law, and from the ill-concealed jealousy of Mrs. 
 Eppstein. I took Eppstein into the library with 
 me on the plea of business. I wanted time to 
 think before I had another talk with Miriam, who, 
 I could see, had been deeply puzzled by the fore- 
 going conversation, and whose due it was to have 
 all the explanation I could offer. 
 
CHAPTER XXIX 
 
 " My dear," I said, when Miriam and I had once 
 more sought the seclusion of her garden, and she 
 had asked me what it all meant, " you don't un- 
 derstand English ways yet. It is not to be ex- 
 pected that you should, with your upbringing. 
 But it is absolutely necessary to have some money 
 in England, when you marry, and I thought I 
 would do Hobson a good turn by getting what I 
 wanted from him. It is most unfortunate that 
 it has turned out as it has." 
 
 But she could not bring herself to this view. 
 " I am sure that however you may try to hide it," 
 she said, " you really only did it because you were 
 sorry for the poor Hobsons. I love and honour 
 you for it, and I am glad you have been rewarded 
 as you have, though I do hope you won't do it 
 again, because now you have me to think of, you 
 know, and, after all, it is very risky." 
 
 " Miriam," I said, " I am not going to sail 
 under false colours with you. I wanted Hob- 
 son's money, and I don't know what on earth to 
 do now I haven't got it." 
 
 " Why, do just what we had arranged to do," 
 257 b 
 
258 UPSIDONIA 
 
 she said. " I am ready to come with you, and if it 
 means that we shan't have to live in the rich way 
 we have talked about, I shall be all the better 
 pleased. It has always been rather a weight on 
 my spirits, and I am very relieved to think that 
 we shall be poor after all." 
 
 " My dearest of girls, I am afraid you won't 
 like being poor in England." 
 
 ' I should like it anywhere. And I believe 
 you have only been making up all that you have 
 told me, so as to test me/ 
 
 " Test you ? What do you mean ? " 
 
 She took my arm, and laid her fair head on my 
 shoulder. " I think you must have been a little 
 doubtful about me," she said, " always seeing me 
 in these unnatural surroundings. You must have 
 thought that I couldn't be brought up in a place 
 like this all my life without being affected by it. 
 You wanted to see how much I cared for luxury 
 for its own sake. Truly, John, I don't want it 
 at all. I only want you." 
 
 What was I to say to this touching confession ? 
 
 What I did say caused her to continue : 
 " The picture you drew of liking to have things 
 for the sake of having them was rather like a 
 nightmare to me. Think of a life in which one 
 could never belong to one's self, or to one another, 
 because one was always bowed down by the 
 weight of possessions ! And as we got older they 
 
UPSIDONIA 259 
 
 would accumulate more and more, until we be- 
 came stifled by them. Why, one might even come 
 to take no pleasure in any beautiful things that 
 didn't belong to one. One might even envy 
 other people what they had. Why should any- 
 body want to burden themselves in that way V 
 
 " Well, of course," 1 said, " one can do all right 
 without a lot of things around one." 
 
 " Oh, yes ; one would be so much happier. 
 Beatrice Coghill, a friend of mine, married about 
 a year ago, and they took a little farm in the 
 country. I went to stay with them there. It 
 was just large enough for them to do all the work 
 themselves. They live in the open air all day 
 long, and work hard, and never have a care in 
 the world. She makes her little home so sweet 
 for her husband, and she told me she was always 
 thinking about it, and about him when he is out 
 working in the fields. In the evenings they read, 
 and she plays to him. They don't mind the long 
 winters because they are always together, and do 
 what they like doing indoors. And in the sum- 
 mer they have their garden, and their walks about 
 the quiet fields. Sometimes they take a little 
 holiday, and come into Culbut to see their friends, 
 and to hear some music, but they are always glad 
 to get back to their happy little home. They 
 never have any of the annoyances that we go 
 through here every day of our lives, and they can 
 
260 UPSIDONIA 
 
 look forward to growing old together, and keep- 
 ing all their simple happiness to the end." 
 
 " My darling," I said. " That is a very pretty 
 picture." 
 
 And, indeed, it seemed to me, as painted by 
 Miriam, the prettiest sort of picture. If I could 
 make her happy, and myself happy with her, by 
 living a life of bodily toil in the open air, which is 
 the best sort of toil, and feeding the demands of 
 the brain in the hours that seem set apart by 
 nature for such pursuits, then a little farm, by all 
 means. 
 
 But a farm in England, however little, wants 
 money to buy, money to stock, and not infre- 
 quently money to carry on. It was only in Up- 
 sidonia that one could acquire it, stock it, work 
 it without any previous experience, and live off 
 it without any anxiety, as well as contribute 
 three hundred pounds a year towards the income 
 of somebody else, with no capital behind one. 
 No English Parliament Act that I am aware of 
 holds out any such prospects to the small holder. 
 It did cross my mind that it might be worth 
 while considering whether it would not be better 
 to give up all idea of leaving Upsidonia now or at 
 any time. One could live more comfortably in 
 that country owing a hundred and seventy 
 thousand pounds than in any other that I know of. 
 But I was already getting a little tired of Up- 
 
UPSIDONIA 261 
 
 sidonia, and was looking forward keenly to taking 
 Miriam awav with me. Besides, there was al- 
 ways that question of the newspaper placard — 
 " Who is Mr. John Howard ? " — hanging over me. 
 If I stayed in Upsidonia, that would have to be 
 answered sooner or later, and for all I knew 
 might be ripe for an answer at that very moment. 
 No ; curiosity about me seemed to have died down 
 for the time, but I was not in the safest of posi- 
 tions ; and the sooner I got out of the country, 
 with Miriam, the better. 
 
 " We can't very well live on a farm in England," 
 I said. " There are many reasons against it. 
 But would you be content to live with me in the 
 simplest possible kind of way, while I worked for 
 you in the way I have learnt ? T could just man- 
 age it, and / don't want anything more than a 
 tiny little house, with you in it, if you don't." 
 
 She said that she didn't — that she loved the 
 idea of being poor with me, and that if I had really 
 been used to living in luxury, although this she 
 could hardly believe, then she would show me how 
 little luxury made for happiness. She removed all 
 my unworthy fears, and made me quite ashamed 
 of having had designs on Upsidonian pockets. I 
 would leave the country not a penny richer than 
 when I came into it, except for the few items I 
 have already mentioned. I felt much more com- 
 fortable in mind when 1 had taken this decision, 
 
262 UPS1D0NIA 
 
 and if along with it there went the prospect of 
 also freeing myself from the immense load of debt 
 I had contracted, by leaving it behind me, I can 
 hardly be blamed for that under prevailing con- 
 ditions. 
 
 Miriam and I left her garden that evening in 
 the most complete accord with one another, both 
 rather excited by our fast-approaching departure, 
 but both convinced that we should lead a life of 
 such happiness together as had never yet fallen 
 to the lot of a married couple. 
 
CHAPTER XXX 
 
 On the last evening but one, before Miriam and I 
 were to go away together, we were sitting round 
 the tea-table in the verandah. Mrs. Eppstein was 
 with us, and Mr. Perry had said that he would be 
 home at five o'clock, but had not yet appeared. 
 But we heard the wheels of the carriage just as Mr. 
 Blother had brought out the kettle, with the inti- 
 mation that we had better begin now ; and Mr. 
 Perry came out to us directly, still wearing his 
 tall hat, which Lord Arthur usually relieved him 
 of in the hall. 
 
 It was evident that he had news for us, and to 
 judge by his face, on which sat an expression 
 combined of jubilance and modesty, it was good 
 news. 
 
 " Blother, old friend," said Mr. Perry, " don't 
 go. I have something to tell you." 
 
 Then he went up to Mrs. Perry, took her hand 
 in his, kissed it, and said : " Good evening, my 
 lady." 
 
 Mrs. Perry exclaimed at this form of address, 
 and after a short pause, during which Mr. Perry 
 removed his hat and looked rather sheepish, Mr. 
 Blother said joyfully : " Ah, I see. At last they 
 
 263 
 
264 UPSIDONIA 
 
 have recognised your value, and have knighted 
 you. Three cheers for Sir Samuel and Lady 
 Perry ! " 
 
 Mr. Perry held up his hand, and the cheers died 
 on our lips. " You are on the right track, 
 Blother," he said, " but you have not gone far 
 enough. You should have said : ' Three cheers 
 for Lord and Lady Magnolia ! ' which is the title 
 I have decided to adopt, subject to her ladyship's 
 approval. My dear, a great and unexpected hon- 
 our has been conferred on me. They have offered 
 me a peerage, contingent on my accepting or re- 
 fusing it at once. I have accepted, thinking you 
 would wish it for the sake of the children, and my 
 patent was handed to me this afternoon." 
 
 We all congratulated the new peer heartily, 
 concealing our surprise at the honour having been 
 conferred on him, and saying that it was only 
 what ought to have been done long ago. 
 
 When Mr. Blother had left us to carry the news 
 into the servants' quarters, Mr. Perry, or rather 
 Lord Magnolia, told us all about it. 
 
 "It is the reward of my lifelong service in the 
 cause of the downtrodden," he said, " and dear 
 Edward will be gratified to know that the punish- 
 ment so harshly inflicted upon him has had some- 
 thing to do with it. I was given to understand 
 that the Government much regrets the necessity 
 of having had to prosecute him, and, as a good 
 
UPSIDONIA 265 
 
 deal of feeling has been aroused against them in 
 consequence of that action, they hoped that this 
 honour, conferred upon me so promptly, might 
 remove some of that feeling, as showing that, 
 whatever may be thought of them, they are 
 really on our side. Therefore, in one way, I may 
 be said to be doing as much for them as they are 
 doing for me, which made it, perhaps, easier to 
 accept the unlooked for honour. I did not do so 
 without some demur. I said that I should not 
 consent to be a mere puppet peer,* and they 
 assured me that nothing of the sort was intended. 
 They also assured me in the handsomest way that 
 the offer of a peerage to me had long been under 
 consideration, and the only difficulty about it had 
 been that my way of living might bring ridicule 
 on the nobility generally. I told them at once 
 that my work was far too dear to me to be given 
 up, and that if the stipulation was that I should 
 leave my friends amongst the rich, and go back 
 to live amongst the poor, I could not consent to it. 
 They said that no such stipulation would be made, 
 and that removed my last objection." 
 
 What his other objections had been, Lord 
 Magnolia did not tell us. It was obvious that he 
 had not had the least idea of such an honour ever 
 being conferred on him, and was quite agreeably 
 stirred by it. 
 
 * See Note. 
 
266 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " I only wish that dear Edward were here to 
 share our gratification/' he said, " but it will not 
 be long now before we have him with us again. 
 My dear, I think you might write him a note to 
 tell him what has happened. Tomorrow will be 
 his day for receiving letters, and do not forget to 
 address him as the Honourable Edward Perry." 
 
 " I must go home at once and tell Herman," 
 said Mrs. Eppstein. " It was a step up for him to 
 marry me, but he little thought that he would 
 be marrying into the peerage." 
 
 " Shall I be Lady Mollie, like Susan and Cyn- 
 thia ? " enquired Lord Magnolia's younger daugh- 
 ter. 
 
 " You will be the Honourable Mollie, my love," 
 replied that nobleman. " You are all now the 
 Honourable. But you must not think too much 
 of that. These distinctions are nothing in them- 
 selves, and you must not forget that it is worth 
 that counts, and that titles are usually given as a 
 reward to those who are the last to desire them 
 for themselves. It is so in this case. Nothing 
 will be changed here, and we shall still go on in our 
 quiet way, trying to live for our fellow-creatures, 
 continuing to share in their joys and in their sor- 
 rows, and living like the richest and humblest 
 of them." 
 
 At this moment, all the household, led by Mr. 
 Blother and Mrs. Lemon, came filing out on to 
 
UPSIDONIA 267 
 
 the verandah, to congratulate their master on the 
 honour that had been conferred upon him. 
 
 Lord Magnolia received their felicitations with 
 heartfelt gratitude, and then Mr. Blother made a 
 little speech. 
 
 " It is quite a new situation," he said, " for a 
 domestic staff to find themselves in the service of 
 a peer of the realm, and it is a matter of congratu- 
 lation to one and all of us that the already unusual 
 circumstances under which we have all lived to- 
 gether here — some of us for a number of years — 
 have been so happy that no awkwardness has 
 been felt anywhere. Perhaps we, in the ser- 
 vants' hall, can take some of the credit for that, 
 for I think we can all say that we have borne some 
 of the burdens of wealth, and have not let them 
 fall entirely upon the shoulders of the excellent 
 master and mistress with whom we have lived 
 in such friendly relations. If any of us have ever 
 seemed to press too hardly upon the younger 
 members of the family, it has only been because 
 we did not wish them to succumb to the tempta- 
 tions of wealth, as they might have done if they 
 had been allowed to forget that servants are 
 usually in a far superior position to those whom 
 they serve. For it would never do for them to 
 grow up thinking that life amongst the rich was 
 so pleasant as I think we servants may pride our- 
 selves on having made it at Magnolia Hall. 
 
268 UPSIDONIA 
 
 " However, I need say no more about that. 
 What I am going to say, on behalf of myself and 
 all my colleagues, is that we wish to mark this 
 happy occasion by an act of self-sacrifice. How- 
 ever my old friend, Lord Magnolia, may wish to 
 conduct his life in the future, we feel that for this 
 evening, at least, we should not like to see him 
 and her ladyship occupying an inferior situation 
 to our own. We propose that the household 
 staff should take their places at the dinner-table, 
 and be waited upon by Lord Magnolia and his 
 family, who will also cook the dinner, and wash-up 
 afterwards." 
 
 It would be impossible to describe the emotion 
 with which Lord Magnolia met this touching 
 offer of self -surrender, so handsomely acquiesced 
 in by the whole company before him. He said a 
 great many things in reply, but what he said most 
 insistently, and repeated so that it could not 
 possibly be misunderstood, was that nothing 
 would induce him to accept it. Nothing was to 
 be changed, he said. It would take away all his 
 gratification in the honour that had been done 
 to him, if it was to be thought that it would for a 
 moment put him on the level of those whom he 
 had always been glad to call his friends. Let 
 them keep their proud position, and let those who 
 thought and acted with him keep their humble 
 one. If they would do him that honour, let them 
 
UPSIDONIA 269 
 
 all come in after dinner and drink a glass of wine — 
 such of them as were not teetotallers — with him 
 and his family. More than that he could not 
 accept from them, if they begged him on their 
 bended knees, 
 
 So it was settled. Lord Magnolia drank several 
 glasses of wine that evening, and went up to bed 
 in as happy a frame of mind as that of any peer 
 in Upsidonia. 
 
CHAPTER XXXI 
 
 My last day in Upsidonia had arrived, and the 
 time was fast approaching when I was about to 
 rob that country of its brightest jewel. Towards 
 the evening, feeling restless, I set out for a walk. 
 Miriam was with her mother, and as there was no- 
 one else whose company 1 desired at that time I 
 went alone. 
 
 I thought I might as well see exactly how long 
 it would take to walk to the other side of Culbut 
 so as to run no risk of meeting many people when 
 I should take the same road with Miriam, very 
 early the next morning. 
 
 When I got into the busier part of Culbut, I 
 bought an evening paper, and running my eye 
 idly over its columns, came upon one headed : 
 " The Truth about John Howard at Last. Ar- 
 rest Shortly Expected. New Peer Victimised/' 
 
 I took refuge upon the top of a tram-car, and 
 read the column through. It stated that the 
 Master of McGillicuddy, the son of the respected 
 Highland Baron of that ilk, had been brought to 
 the office of the paper by another highly-res- 
 pected nobleman — in whom I had no difficulty in 
 recognising Lord Potter — and had authorised 
 
 270 
 
UPSIDONIA 271 
 
 them to announce, for the protection of all honest 
 people, that there was a dangerous criminal in 
 their midst, whom they would do well to beware 
 of. 
 
 A prisoner undergoing a term of penal servitude 
 for representing himself as a professor of dead 
 languages, and practising a long series of cruel 
 frauds on young students, many of whom had 
 lost places in the monthly examinations owing 
 to his empirical methods of tuition, had escaped 
 from gaol some weeks before. He was known to 
 have gone south, no doubt with the idea of 
 practising the same frauds on the less sophisti- 
 cated scholars of Upsidonia. There was no doubt 
 whatever that the person already arrested on his 
 arrival in Culbut for a gross insult to a highly- 
 respected personage, was this escaped prisoner, 
 masquerading under another name. The police, 
 who had hitherto failed to trace the escaped con- 
 vict, had been notified, and, by the time these 
 words were in print, would no doubt have got him 
 once more safely under lock and key. 
 
 Unless the paper was mistaken in this last 
 statement, I had probably passed the police on my 
 way into Culbut, and they were now at Magnolia 
 Hall awaiting my return. According to the des- 
 criptions given by the Master of McGillicuddy of 
 the escaped prisoner, he might have been my twin 
 brother dressed up in my own clothes. 
 
272 UPSIDONIA 
 
 I need not reproduce the scorn with which the 
 journal, which was that chiefly read by the mem- 
 bers of the dirty set, expressed itself about the 
 newly-created peer, who had been taken in by 
 this unscrupulous criminal, and had even allowed 
 him to become engaged to his daughter. It 
 pained me greatly, and would certainly pain Lord 
 Magnolia no less when he should come to read it. 
 
 The blow was a stunning one. If there was 
 such a criminal at large as had been described by 
 the Master of McGillicuddy, which I had no 
 reason to doubt, it would be very difficult to per- 
 suade the police that I was not that criminal. 
 Indeed, how could I expect to persuade them of 
 anything ? I could give no account of myself 
 that would satisfy them that they were arresting 
 an innocent person, and even if the Highland 
 police eventually disclaimed me, I knew it would 
 take some time to get them to Culbut, and in the 
 meantime I should certainly be kept in custody. 
 It was quite certain that the moment I returned 
 to Magnolia Hall I should be arrested, even if I 
 got so far, and at dawn the next morning, when 
 Miriam and I ought to have been starting on the 
 happiest of journeys together, I should be most 
 comfortably housed in prison. 
 
 The more I thought of it, the more angry I be- 
 came at this most unkind stroke of fate, and the 
 more angry with the preposterous Lord Potter, 
 
UPSIDONIA 273 
 
 who had undoubtedly brought it upon me. I 
 could not get at Miriam to tell her to start alone 
 and join me somewhere on the road. I could do 
 nothing. I was robbed of all I had hoped for as 
 it seemed just within my grasp. 
 
 I walked on and on, trying to form some plan. 
 I walked right through Culbut, with my eyes 
 mostly on the ground. 
 
 By and by, something caused me to lift them, 
 and I found myself passing a little wood, which, 
 with a start of surprise, I recognised as the one 
 from which I had made my first entry into Culbut. 
 
 It was, as Edward had said, and as was now 
 quite plain to me, part of the grounds of a large 
 institution, and looked, from this side, quite un- 
 like what I had taken it to be when I had entered 
 it from the other. 
 
 Still, in spite of Edward's description of the 
 kind of country that lay beyond, I had certainly 
 entered this wood from the cave, in the way I 
 have described, and I had not the smallest doubt 
 but what I could return by the same way. 
 
 I thought that I might as well satisfy myself of 
 the exact whereabouts of the cave, so that I should 
 be able to lead Miriam directly to it, if I should 
 succeed in getting her away. The only plan that 
 seemed to me possible was to keep away from 
 Magnolia Hall until nightfall, and then try in 
 some way to communicate with her, and boldly 
 
 s 
 
274 UPSIDONIA 
 
 carry her off under cover of darkness. Very 
 likely the house would be watched, and we might 
 be followed, even if we escaped. I did not want 
 to run any risk by groping about in the wood, 
 when possibly time would be of value. 
 
 I found the trees and the bushes without the 
 least difficulty, just as I remembered them, and 
 pushed through them to the dark aperture of the 
 cave. 
 
 I went in a short distance, not meaning to go 
 very far, but just to satisfy myself that the way 
 was clear. 
 
 I am sure that I had not penetrated more than 
 fifty yards, for the light still held faintly, when 
 suddenly the same roar was in my ears as had 
 frightened the man who had entered the cave 
 with me from the other end. I was aware of 
 something odd in my head, which may have been 
 a heavy blow, although it did not feel like one. 
 
 Then I lost consciousness completely. 
 
 I came to, to find myself lying in bed, in a little 
 room lit by a lattice window, through which was a 
 view of rolling purple moor. I felt very weak, 
 and when I tried to move, found that my body 
 was heavily bandaged and my head swathed. 
 The movement caused a sharp pain to shoot 
 through me, and again I lost consciousness. 
 
UPSIDONIA 275 
 
 This was nearly six weeks ago. I am now sit- 
 ting in a little slip of a garden behind the inn, with 
 the moor coming right up to it. I cannot walk 
 yet, for both my legs were broken by the subsid- 
 ence of the cave, as well as a few other compara- 
 tively unimportant bones in my body. But my 
 head has been clear for a long time, and I have 
 employed my enforced leisure in writing this 
 account of what befell me. 
 
 I cannot, even now, make out exactly what 
 happened. The kind folk who rescued me, and 
 have looked after me ever since, stoutly aver that 
 the fall of earth happened on this side of the cave, 
 almost directly I and my companion entered it ; 
 that he gave the alarm immediately, and I was 
 extricated within an hour. 
 
 If this is true, what becomes of Upsidonia ? 
 
 It cannot be true. But I no longer talk of 
 Upsidonia to them, for when I did so, after I be- 
 gan to mend, they looked askance at me and were 
 obviously hiding something. Even the doctor, 
 who rides over the moors from Eppington on a 
 shaggy pony, told me that I should not get well 
 as long as I clung to such delusions. 
 
 Delusions ! Is Miriam a delusion, I should like 
 to know ? Can a man fall in love with a delu- 
 sion ? 
 
 No. These people must know perfectly well 
 of the existence of Upsidonia, but for some reason 
 
276 UPSIDONIA 
 
 of their own they wish to keep it dark. Perhaps 
 I shall know why when I get well again. 
 
 But I don't much care what their reasons are. 
 The cave is blocked up now, but from where I sit 
 I can see a tall rampart of rock about a mile to the 
 north across the moor. It looks inaccessible, but 
 there must be some way over it, or round it. 
 When I can walk again I shall find a way. For 
 beyond it lies Upsidonia, and Upsidonia contains 
 Miriam. 
 
 Wherever Miriam is, I am going to find her. 
 
 THE END. 
 
NOTES 
 
 P. 45. — A Daylight Saving Bill had been passed some 
 years before, by which an hour was borrowed in April to be 
 paid back in October. The necessity, however, of getting 
 up an hour earlier than usual had made the whole populace 
 so cross that the Government which had passed the Bill 
 was forced to resign, and the next Government repealed 
 the law immediately upon coming into office. They 
 omitted, however, to allow for the repayment of the bor- 
 rowed hour, and as no Government had since cared to 
 touch the question, Upsidonian time had remained an hour 
 earlier ever since. 
 
 P. 45. — It was held in Upsidonia that private knowledge 
 of any fact was the possessor's own property, and, as no one 
 was willing to acquire property if they could help it, ques- 
 tions of this sort were never pressed. It had even been 
 laid down in the courts that a person too ready with infor- 
 mation could be indicted for forcing property on his hearers. 
 Vide Cope on " The Bore in Law." 
 
 P. 46. — I might also have been arrested for sleeping out 
 with visible means of subsistence, which had been in Mr. 
 Perry's mind when he had imperilled himself by his kindly 
 action, as he told me afterwards. 
 
 P. 55. — They did not forget to send in their bill, but I 
 forgot to pay it. 
 
 277 
 
278 NOTES— continued 
 
 P. 62. — The public schools, of which there were a good 
 number in Upsidonia, were attended exclusively by the rich, 
 as were the two older universities. Luxurious habits were 
 encouraged in these establishments, and learning was at a 
 discount, although this was never acknowledged. The 
 poor attended council schools, and the newer universities. 
 But even from a school like Seton, where the sons of the 
 worst families were educated, there was a ladder to the more 
 serious seats of learning, and many rich scholars had raised 
 themselves by their own efforts to a position from which 
 they could look down on the families from which they had 
 sprung. 
 
 P. 63. — There were two schools of economic reformers in 
 Upsidonia. The one which was supported by the Percys 
 wished to limit production by law, but I am inclined to think 
 that Mr. Perry did not wish it very much. Edward, how- 
 ever, was strongly in favour of legislation. He thought 
 that the many would benefit at the expense of the few, or 
 so he said. 
 
 The other school believed in freedom of consumption, or 
 rather of non-consumption. I never met any of its adher- 
 ents while in Upsidonia, and only heard them called names. 
 
 P. 64. — There was said to be a good deal of corruption in 
 this service. The Government auditors were too well paid 
 to make them altogether trustworthy. Edward was going 
 to see that this was altered when he had time. 
 
 P. 65. — This was well said on my part, and I do not regard 
 Edward's reply as convincing. 
 
 P. 67. — Buff with canary facings. 
 
 P. 71. — Upsidonian word of unknown derivation, signi- 
 fying a degraded being ; one who had lost caste. 
 
NOTE®— continued 279 
 
 P. 73. — I learnt afterwards that it was a matter of " form," 
 and that those amongst Tom's schoolfellows who betrayed 
 a liking for good things were designated " Guts." 
 
 P. 75. — A Bill was then before Parliament which would 
 have burdened brewers in perpetuity with the licences of 
 the public-houses owned by them. Mr. Perry regarded 
 this proposal as an intolerable oppression of a deserving 
 body of men. The Bill was afterwards amended, and the 
 brewers relieved of a great anxiety. 
 
 P. 76. — I had already taken a fancy to her. See page 51. 
 
 P. 80. — The Highlanders were much looked up to by 
 dwellers in other parts of Upsidonia. They were a thrifty 
 hard-living race of fine physique, who had kept very much 
 to themselves, owing largely to the inaccessibility of the 
 country they inhabited ; they seldom visited any other part 
 of Upsidonia, or welcomed visitors to their own. They had 
 no rich among them, and seemed to have solved all the eco- 
 nomic problems that were so disturbing in and around 
 Culbut, for instance. There were no towns in the High- 
 lands ; everybody lived on the land, and as the soil was very 
 poor they had a hard struggle for existence, which brought 
 out the best that was in them. Luxury was absolutely 
 unknown amongst them, but learning flourished. Living so 
 far north, they had long dark winters, which they spent in 
 close study. Their chief form of relaxation was the holding 
 of competitive examinations, for which they all entered. 
 Those who came out first were examiners next time. 
 
 P. 90. — He said that he didn't like playing with girls. 
 
 P. 91. — It was a plantain. 
 
280 NOTES— continued 
 
 P. 93. — The contempt for pretty clothes amongst the girl 
 children of Culbut was a question of form. Cf. note on 
 Tom, page 55. 
 
 P. 94. — The Lady Cynthia Maxted, younger daughter of 
 the Earl of Blueberry by his marriage with Sarah, daughter 
 of Giles Ploughshare, Esq. 
 
 P. 95. — The public parks of Culbut, as well as the semi- 
 private ones (see chapter xiv), were entirely closed to the 
 rich. This had not always been so, but an agitation had 
 been made by the mothers of the poor children who played 
 there some years before, and the Municipality had legislated 
 in their favour. Edward Perry considered this a very bad 
 business. 
 
 P. 109. — When I discussed this with Edward, he asked 
 indignantly why those in the liquor trade should be assisted 
 in this way, when other traders in a like predicament would 
 get no help from the Government, but would have to put 
 up prices. I could give him no answer. 
 
 P. 111. — The club to which Mr. Perry had introduced me 
 would have corresponded to a working man's club with us, 
 and was under some sort of clerical control. Its members 
 set this, along with the annual subscription, as against 
 advantages enjoyed. 
 
 P. 113. — Upsidonian expression for getting rid of your 
 money. 
 
 P. 114. — The clergy in Upsidonia were accustomed to 
 treat the rich in a slightly different manner from that in 
 which they treated the poor. 
 
 P. 118. — They possessed all the Greek and Latin Classics 
 in Upsidonia, but had not learnt to treat them as living 
 
NOTES— continued 281 
 
 languages. Their greatest scholars had decided that 
 although they were made up of words, or what looked like 
 words, they had not, and never had had, any consecutive 
 meaning. At one time a school had arisen which held them 
 to be mathematical symbols, and a certain Professor Pot- 
 tinger had claimed to have proved that they referred to the 
 movements of the heavenly bodies. He had predicted, out 
 of Propertius, the arrival of a hitherto unknown comet, but 
 the comet had failed to make its appearance, and the influ- 
 ence of his school had dwindled. 
 
 Another advanced school, led by a Professor of a Highland 
 University, taught that the words did have an actual mean- 
 ing. By picking out all those that are known to-day, such 
 as " omnibus," " miles," " tandem," " rJKiara" and the 
 like, and rearranging them, this school professed to have 
 translated a good deal. But as each student rearranged 
 them differently, the results were not altogether satisfactory, 
 even to themselves. 
 
 I was told of a don in the University of Culbut who had 
 been struck with the number of words which did not seem 
 to correspond with any pronunciation, however corrupt, 
 with which Upsidonians were acquainted ; and who even 
 went so far as to say that classical words that were not 
 known might not be those words themselves, but symbolical, 
 as it were, of quite different words. The word " hoc," for 
 instance, he did not believe to be a mis-spelling of the wine 
 of that name, or even to stand for " hook," as some scholars 
 maintained. And there had always been a dispute as to 
 whether the word " et," which occurred so frequently in 
 both languages, should be read as " ate," or as " Et," with 
 a capital, short for " Etta," or " Henrietta." This man 
 boldly proclaimed that it was neither, but from the fre- 
 quency of its occurrence, was probably intended to represent 
 
282 NOTES— continued 
 
 the word " and." He was, however, unable to explain why 
 people who wished to write " and " should prefer to write 
 " et " ; and although his views had aroused some interest 
 in learned circles, he was commonly regarded as a crank. 
 The great mass of Upsidonian classical scholars were con- 
 tent to employ themselves usefully in examining the differ- 
 ent collocations of words in various authors, and in the 
 schools a great deal was learnt by heart. The classics were 
 considered a most valuable exercise of the faculties, and the 
 conservative teachers and men of learning held that it would 
 be a thousand pities to drop them, simply because they 
 did not help the learner to lose money. 
 
 P. 122. — This was a favourite subject of conversation with 
 ladies in Upsidonia. 
 
 P. 132. — She was also an extremely nice woman — the 
 widow of a well-known musician, and herself no mean per- 
 former, on the harp. 
 
 P. 133. — The same sort of thing holds amongst us, in 
 matters of art, for instance. Perhaps the majority of us 
 prefer chatty pictures with a strong love interest to the 
 works of Holbein and Rembrandt ; but we should not make 
 the same fuss if there were a danger of their being taken 
 out of the country. 
 
 P. 138. — This park was one of the most beautiful of the 
 many in Culbut, and of something like twenty acres in ex- 
 tent. It was not really a public park, although it was called 
 so, and was kept up with public money. It was used ex- 
 clusively by the inhabitants of the houses abutting on to it ; 
 the Ladies Susan and Cynthia might play all over it without 
 any risk of infection, mental or physical, from rich children ; 
 and if Lord and Lady Blueberry took a walk there in the cool 
 
NOTES— continued 283 
 
 of the evening they would meet none but those whom it 
 might be agreeable to them to meet. 
 
 P. 140. — Genuine aristocrats, like the Blueberrys and the 
 Rumboroughs, never hesitated to acquire such possessions 
 as seemed necessary for a well-balanced life, or for legitimate 
 pleasure. In the matter of music, all poor children were 
 taught some instrument at first, but only those who showed 
 considerable aptitude for it were allowed to go beyond a 
 certain point. And they were never allowed to practise at 
 home, even where there was a piano. But on reaching the 
 age of fourteen, if they could pass a rather stiff examination, 
 their parents submitted to the annoyance of acquiring 
 another piece of property, such as a piano, or a violin, for the 
 sake of the pleasure they could gain from their children's 
 performance. 
 
 As a consequence of these wise provisions, there were no 
 girls to be found in Upsidonian homes, at least among the 
 poor, who, as the result of a long and expensive education, 
 could play one piece and three hymn tunes indifferently, 
 and did so whenever they felt inclined. 
 
 P. 156. — Even in the case of a marriage between families 
 living respectively in town and country the separation was 
 more complete than with us. There were few railways in Up- 
 sidonia, and even motor-cars were looked upon with sus- 
 picion, and only used by the rich. The poor preferred to 
 drive, or still more to walk. But as the population of 
 Upsidonia was divided between those who liked to live in 
 the country and those who liked to live in towns, there was 
 not so much going and coming as with us. 
 
 P. 162. — Sandpit's Gang was a very smart one. Its 
 members could shift more stuff in an hour than ordinary 
 
284 NOTES— continued 
 
 gangs in two. It was one of the sights of the town to see 
 them running to and fro with heavily loaded barrows, over a 
 plank so narrow that it seemed as if they must fall off and 
 hurt themselves. 
 
 P. 205. — It would not have been etiquette for them to 
 show any interest whatever in the doings of their masters 
 and mistresses, or to unbend in any way while on duty. 
 The second coachman whom we had just heard about was 
 behaving unprofessionally in talking to his own friends from 
 the box, although his fellow-servants would not blame him 
 for inconveniencing his master and mistress by so doing. 
 
 P. 265. — In one sense, all the members of the Upsidouian 
 Upper House were puppet peers. Their chamber was the 
 oldest building in Culbut, and one of which the inhabitants 
 of that city were justly proud. But it lacked accommoda- 
 tion. It had been built at a time when there were only 
 twelve peers in the whole of Upsidonia, and as it had been 
 reckoned that never more than half of them would be present 
 at a debate, it had been designed to hold only six people. 
 
 But, according to the system on which the Upper House 
 worked, this was ample. All the business was done by five 
 peers — the Lord Chancellor, and two representing each party. 
 As there were no facilities for reporting debates, they held 
 none. In fact, speeches had reduced themselves in the 
 course of years to three formulae. These were : (1) " Let it 
 go ; " (2) " I think not ; " and (3) " Try again." 
 
 Two peers made a quorum, and as a matter of conveni- 
 ence business was usually left to the Lord Chancellor and one 
 peer, who represented the Government when one side was in 
 office, and the Opposition when the other side was in office. 
 
 But it must not be supposed that this ancient House had 
 been denuded of all its powers. Far from it. Parliamen- 
 
NOTES— continued 285 
 
 tary business was much less contentious than with us, and 
 this simple procedure was found to suffice for the bills of 
 most sessions. It worked perhaps better for one party than 
 the other, but as most of the peers belonged to the larger 
 party it was considered only fair that it should do so. 
 
 But when a really controversial measure was sent up to the 
 House of Lords, there was a very different state of affairs. 
 Then all the peers in the country were entitled to vote, and 
 the full Committee sat for a week, while the papers were 
 coming in. 
 
 It was usually a struggle between the " Let it go's," and 
 the " I think nots " ; but the " Try agains " were sometimes 
 in the majority, and the Bill was sent down to the Lower 
 House for amendment. The peers had no machinery for 
 amending it themselves, and no direct means of indicating 
 the amendments they wished made. With the common- 
 sense that was a feature of so many Upsidonian institutions, 
 it was taken for granted that the House of Commons would 
 know perfectly well what was expected of them, and would 
 put it into their Bill if they wanted it passed when it was 
 sent up a second time. 
 
 The great body of peers — men for the most part who had 
 other things to think of — seldom made any objection to an- 
 nouncing which way they intended to vote. If they didn't, 
 they were liable to be constantly worried by people coming 
 to them to find out, when they wanted to get on with their 
 work. 
 
 If the Government was particularly annoyed at the rejec- 
 tion of a Bill, they would send it up again, and, to avoid any 
 further fuss, the peers would usually fall back upon a fourth 
 formula, which provided for this contingency. This was : 
 " Settle it for yourselves " ; and it meant that the Bill would 
 go to the House of Lords Committee again in the usual way, 
 and would be passed. 
 
286 NOTES— continued 
 
 The system worked well on the whole, and it had never 
 happened that a Bill had gone more than three times to the 
 whole body of peers. They always broke down on the 
 third canvass, even if it was on a question that affected 
 themselves adversely. They could not stand the nuisance 
 of being continually interrupted and annoyed ; and many of 
 them turned against their own party for the sake of getting 
 it all over, and being allowed to settle down quietly again. 
 
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 very tew music-hall artistes have attained to such a high degree of 
 popular favour. He has admirably filled the place of the late Dan 
 Leno, a comedian whom in some ways he resembles, but from whom 
 it need scarcely be said he has in no way borrowed. For George Robey 
 is essentially George Robey. He is like no one else, and no one else is 
 like him. He is popular with all classes of the community. In pre- 
 senting to the public his life, interspersed with numerous anecdotes, we 
 venture to hope that it will be long before his complete life can be 
 written, long before his number " goes up " for the last time. For the 
 men who make laughter deserve well of us. In a world where grey and 
 drab tints on the whole prevail, where we must needs make the most 
 of our pleasures, it is right that we should give due honour to those 
 who help to withdraw our thoughts for a while from the machinery of 
 life, who help us to forget. 
 
 REGENTS PARK AND PRIMROSE HILL 
 
 By A. D. Webster, Author of " Greenwich Park," etc. 
 Crown 8vo, cloth gilt, 26 full page illustrations, 5/- net. 
 
 With Maps and 26 illustrations, many being from rare prints of old 
 Marylebone Park and Primrose Hill. Containing chapters on " Early 
 History of Marylebone Park," " The Old Manor House," " The 
 Tybourne," " Primrose Hill," " Remarkable Persons who resided near 
 the Park," " Birds and Animal Life in the Park," &c., &c. 
 
 THE PONGO PAPERS and The Duke of Berwick 
 
 By Lord Alfred Douglas, illustrated by David 
 Whitelaw. Crown Svo, cloth, 2/6 net. 
 
 A book of nonsense rhymes. In his preface the author states that he 
 claims for " The Pongo Papers " that they are by far the most elaborate 
 nonsense rhymes that have ever been attempted. " The Pongo 
 Papers " are really an admirable satire on the methods and language 
 of scientific controversialists. They consist of a heated argument 
 between Professor Percival Pondersfoot Pongo, Regius Professor of 
 Swiss, in the University of Liptonsvilie, U.S.A., and the well-known 
 critic " The Belgian Bear." In the same volume is reprinted " The 
 Duke of Berwick," a nonsense rhyme that was privately printed, with 
 some clever illustrations by Tony Ludovici, in 1902. 
 
 5 
 
A HISTORY OF EUROPEAN NATIONS. From the 
 Earliest Times to the Beginning of the Twentieth 
 Century 
 
 By Angelo S. Rappoport, Author of " Royal Lovers 
 and Mistresses," " Famous Artists and their Models," 
 etc. Demy Svo, cloth gilt, 7/6 net. 
 
 In this book the author puts down, as concisely as possible, the 
 sequence of main facts over a period of some 2,500 years. He begins 
 with Greece, and proceeds through the heroic ages, the periods of the 
 migrations, the Persian Wars, Alexander the Great, and his successors. 
 Roman history is told in nine short chapters, and in an interesting style. 
 Then we have chapters on mediaeval history, in which the growth of 
 European nations is skilfully traced. Part IV is concerned with 
 modern history, the first period being from the discovery of America 
 to the French Revolution, and the second, since that epoch. The most 
 important chapters in this part are on the unification of Germany and 
 the history of the United States. The survey of European history since 
 1870 is particularly good, and two valuable chapters on " Greek and 
 Roman Civilization " and " Mediaeval Civilisations and Institutions " 
 conclude a useful book. 
 
 AFTER DINNER BALLADS 
 
 By Hubert C. S. Colborne. Crown 8vo, cloth, 2/-. 
 
 THE DRAWING ROOM PLAYLETS 
 
 By R. A. Dillon, Author of "The Prince's Predica- 
 ment." Crown Svo, cloth, 1/6 net. 
 
 THE PRIVILEGE OF MOTHERHOOD 
 
 A Popular Treatise by Lucie Simpson, (Certified Teacher 
 and Lecturer on English Literature under the L.C.C.) 
 Crown 8vo, cloth, 2/6. 
 
 Some of the Subjects dealt with : — 
 
 The Call of Motherhood. Incompetent Mothers. 
 
 Irresponsible Mothers. Child Nature. 
 
 Child Training. Recreation and Companionship. 
 
 Spectator : — " This little book is full of good sense. The author goes 
 through the various stages of a child's life, and has always something 
 well worth noting to say." 
 
 6 
 
SOME DAINTY BOOKS FOR PRESENTS 
 
 WOMAN AND THE WITS 
 
 Epigrams on Woman, Love, and Beauty. Collected 
 and Edited by G. P. Monkshood. Fifth edition. 
 
 Foolscap 8vo, art vellum, gilt extra, gilt top, 3/6 net. 
 
 Great Thoughts. — " The most beautiful book on my table is ' Woman 
 and the Wits.' . . . In this lovely volume of about 200 pages some 
 of the wisest, wittiest, tenderest epigrams on woman and on cognate 
 topics to be found in ancient and modern times, have been brought 
 together with taste and judgment." 
 
 Ladies' Pictorial. — " The compiler of this dainty little volume has 
 produced a veritable lucky bag for the dipper who is anxious to find 
 something smart and clever." 
 
 WOMAN AND THE WISE 
 
 An Anthology compiled by G. F. Monkshood, author 
 of " Woman and the Wits." Foolscap 8vo, art vellum, 
 gilt extra, top edge gilt, 3/6 net cloth. Bound in 
 leather, 4/6 net. 
 
 This book is of special interest to all who believe in the cause of 
 Woman's Suffrage. 
 
 THE WORLDLING'S WIT 
 
 A dainty book of Epigrams. Edited and compiled by 
 G. F. Monkshood. Crown IGmo, cloth, extra gilt, 
 2/- net ; leather, 3/- net. 
 
 THE WORKS OF DEAN SWIFT 
 
 Bound in a neat cloth binding, and printed in large, 
 clear type, on good paper. Each volume, 2/- net. 
 
 Vol. L— THE TALE OF A TUB 
 
 Vol. II.— POLITE CONVERSATION 
 
 Vol. III.— THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS, and 
 
 Directions to Servants. 
 Vol. IV.— MISCELLANEA 
 
 This volume contains many of Swift's choicest essays, 
 including " A Meditation upon a Broomstick," 
 " Essay on Conversation," etc. 
 Vol. V.— GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. (Vol. I.) 
 Vol. VI.— GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. (Vol. II.) 
 
GREENING'S POPULAR RECITER 
 
 And the Art of Elocution and Public Speaking, being 
 simple explanations of the various branches of 
 Elocution ; together with lessons for self -instruction 
 by Ross Ferguson, Teacher of Elocution. With an 
 Introduction by Sir George Alexander. Ctown8vo, 
 cloth, 1/- net. 
 
 The demand for pieces in prose and verse suitable for recitation, 
 very far exceeds the supply ; indeed, the utmost difficulty is experi- 
 enced by professional and amateur reciters in obtaining anything fresh. 
 The selection is both in the comic and the serious vein, and are rendered 
 doubly useful to the beginner by the introductory essay on the art of 
 elocution by Ross Ferguson, which contains some valuable hints. 
 
 OSCAR WILDE, the story of an unhappy friendship 
 By R. H. Sherard. Crown 8vo, cloth, 1/- net. 
 
 POPULAR HANDBOOKS 
 
 Crown 8vo, bound in limp green cloth. Price Qd. net per 
 volume. Each volume illustrated. 
 
 MANNERS : A Book on Etiquette. By Eva Tuite. 
 
 POULTRY. By " Chanticleer." 
 
 CHESS. By G. E. H. Bellingham. 
 
 PRACTICAL FRUIT CULTURE. By J. Whitehead. 
 
 PRACTICAL GLASS CULTURE. By J. Cheal. 
 
 CRICKET. By Dr. Grace, G. L. Jessop, A. E. Trott, 
 
 and other well-known Cricketers. 
 HOME PETS. By Herbert Compton, Gordon Stables, 
 
 and others. 
 VILLA GARDENS. By W. S. Rogers. 
 GOLF. By Sir Henry Seton Karr, C.M.G., etc. 
 FOOTBALL. By B. 0. Corbett, W. McGregor, J. Sharp, 
 
 and others. 
 THE HOME BEAUTIFUL. By A. S. Jennings. 
 HOW TO ENFORCE PAYMENT OF DEBT 
 By a Lawyer. 
 
 8 
 
GREENINGS 2/- NET NOVELS 
 
 In Crown 8vo., Cloth Gilt, with Illustrated Wrapper, 
 21- net each 
 
 A New Book at Two Shillings net 
 
 BEHIND THE VEIL 
 
 By Geo. R. Sims, Author of " The Devil in London," etc 
 
 In Crown 8vo., cloth gilt, 2/- net. 
 
 Mr. Clement K. Shorter in The Sphere says : " Mr. Geo. R. Sims has 
 led a long, strenuous and honoured career. He has dived into the 
 bypaths of London life in a quite remarkable manner, and he has 
 thrown many fresh sidelights upon our great city. In ' Behind the 
 Veil,' we have an absorbing book, told with thrilling interest." 
 
 THE VINTAGE OF VICE 
 
 By Guy Thorne, Author of " When it was Dark," etc. 
 
 This is a novel that stands by itself. It is a book of Power — " Power 
 fitted to the season." In the very first pages the reader is gripped by 
 the drama which pulses and throbs through the whole story of Gilbert 
 Lothian, and his devil-ridden life. The tale is one of action. As the 
 drama unfolds itself, the pictures of contemporary life are real and vivid ; 
 varied to an unusual extent also. The lovely suffering wife ; the 
 famous doctor with his priest-like mission of hope and regeneration ; 
 Lothian's treacherous and egotistic friend ; the subtle study of Rit 
 Wallace, "lightly laughing, sweetly speaking,'' and yet with black ruin 
 and hideous crime as her gifts — these characters really live. 
 
 57 SABLE AND MOTLEY Stephen Andrew 
 
 54 THE ISLAND OF REGENERATION 
 
 Cyrus Townsend Brady 
 
 62 LITTLE FRANCE Cyrus Townsend Brady 
 
 71 THE REVOLT AT ROSKELLY'S William Caine 
 
 63 A PRISONER IN SPAIN William Caine 
 60 OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER William Caine 
 
 69 SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS William Caine 
 59 WINGS OF LOVE C Ranger-Gull 
 
 72 LORD OF IRONGRAY J. B. Harris-Burland 
 
 70 FOR BRAGANZA Michael W. Kaye 
 
 66 THE WHITE ROSE Auguste Maquet 
 
 55 THE BREATH OF SCANDAL Ella Sawtell 
 
 56 THE GAY LORD WARING Houghton Townley 
 68 THE SECRET OF THE RAFT Houghton Townley 
 65 THE GIRL FROM THE EAST -David Whitelaw 
 
 64 HENRY OF NAVARRE May Wynne 
 
 67 THE KING'S MASQUERADE May Wynne 
 
 9 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY 
 
 A Selection of the best translations of the greatest 
 French, German, Russian, Turkish, and Italian Novels 
 otherwise unobtainable in English. 
 
 Beautifully printed and artistically bound. F'cap. 
 8vo, cloth, fully gilt, gilt top, with bookmark, and a 
 Frontispiece, 1/6 net, or in leather at 2/- net each. 
 
 Now that the supremely decisive events taking place on the 
 Continent are bringing us daily into more and more intimate contact 
 with the different Continental Nations, we all of us naturally desire 
 to know more about Continental Peoples, the conditions of life 
 among them, what they think and say and do, their ways of living, 
 which differ so much from our own ; in fact, their whole standard of 
 conduct and morality. For readers who wish to enter into the depths 
 of French feeling in all classes, a rich banquet of the* best fiction is 
 here laid out. 
 
 There is not a Continental country, about which you wish to read, 
 which is not covered by the list of the Lotus Library novels. 
 
 ANONYMOUS 
 
 The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. 
 
 Illustrated with 12 curious engravings from the Baron's 
 
 own designs. 
 
 The original kernel of these most amusing adventures, in which the 
 
 fabulous exploits of the famous German Baron in all parts of the world 
 
 are told with ludicious gravity, is due probably to a clever German 
 
 who was actually acquainted with the Baron in question. The 
 
 absurdly extravagant adventures, few at first, were cunningly added to 
 
 by English writers until the book grew into its present humorous shape. 
 
 HONORE de BALZAC 
 
 The Tragedy of a Genius. 
 
 " La Recherche de l'Absolu " is one of the greatest novels ever 
 written by Balzac, whom some of the most eminent of English critics 
 have given a place beside Shakespeare. It is a study of an intense 
 passion for science and of intense emotions in a man of extraordinary 
 genius. 
 
 MATILDE serao 
 
 The Desire of Life. 
 
 Matilde Serao enjoys a world-wide reputation. She strikes the 
 cosmopolitan note in all her novels. In none has this international 
 interest been so prominent as in " Evviva La Vita," the scene of 
 which is mainly laid in the Engadine, amidst the cosmopolitan crowd 
 that frequents the fashionable resorts of that earthly paradise. With 
 such an environment the talented Italian novelist has full scope for that 
 jewelled description and character analysis for which she is famous. 
 The heroine is an English girl of rare charm and sweetness of disposition. 
 
 10 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY— Continued 
 
 RENE BAZIN 
 
 The Children of Alsace. (" Les OberU ") 
 
 The author's charming style is well-known to English readers, but he 
 is more than a mere stylist and a fine story-teller. He is a thinker, a 
 lover and painter of nature, a master in the delineation of human nature. 
 In the present novel we find all these qualities, but the outstanding 
 feature is something else. It is patriotism — the patriotism of a people 
 torn from the land they wish to be part of and held in the unrelaxing 
 grasp of a strong conqueror. It is a remarkable story which tells of the 
 heart -tragedy of the Alsatians and their longing to rejoin the old land of 
 France. 
 
 " To those who do not know the better side of modern French fiction 
 the book will be a revelation of art, insight, and reverence." — The 
 Church Times. 
 
 WILLIAM BECKFORD 
 
 Vathek. 
 
 This wonderful Arabian Nights tale, worthy to rank with the best 
 of those famous Eastern stories, was actually written originally in 
 French by the young son of a London millionaire about a century ago. 
 The whole atmosphere of the East has been caught with amazing 
 vividness by this youthful genius : its mystery, romance and terror. 
 
 FORTUNE du BOISGOBEY 
 
 The Matapan Jewels. (" L' Affaire Malayan ") 
 
 EMILE GABORIAU 
 
 The Blackmailers. (" Le Dossier No. 113 ") 
 
 These are frankly sensational stories, written by two of the best- 
 known and most popular of French authors in that department of 
 fiction. Their note is to pile exciting incident upon incident, and to 
 keep the reader's fascinated attention from the first line to the last. 
 
 PAUL BOURGET 
 
 The Blue Duchess. (" La Duchesse Bleue ") 
 Andre Cornells. 
 
 A Woman's Heart. (" Un Cceur de Femme ") 
 Our Lady of Lies. (" Mensonges ") 
 
 Never has there been in France a novelist so popular among French 
 Society ladies in particular as M. Bourget. No sooner has he produced 
 a new volume than edition after c dition is issued to a voracious public. 
 Full of charm and gentle feeling and sympathy with the temptations 
 and frailties besetting many Society ladies, his beautiful style and 
 subtle intuitions of feminine nature have made him the darling both of 
 the " axistos " and lady readers generally. 
 
 11 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY— Continued 
 
 "UNE CIRCASSIENNE." 
 Romance of a Harem. 
 
 The Woman of the Hill. (" La Courtisane de la 
 Montasne ") 
 
 These remarkable stories were written by a Turkish lady in high 
 Society. The first, " The Romance of a Harem," in which secrets of 
 the Sultan and his harem were laid bare, caused an immense sensation 
 in Stamboul and resulted in the cutting down of some of the harem's 
 privileges. The second story, " The Woman of the Hill," is equally 
 extraordinary. It is a daring study of a phase of modern Turkish 
 woman's life, and the whole attitude of Turkey towards Christendom. 
 Steeped in pathos and passion. 
 
 ALPHONSE DAUDET 
 
 Sapho. 
 
 The Popinjay. (" Les Rois en Exil ") 
 The Nabob. (" Le Nabob") 
 A Passion of the South. (" Numa Roumestan ") 
 Sidonie's Revenge. (" Fromont Jeune et Risler 
 AinS ") 
 
 Daudet has often been called the French Dickens, and they have 
 much in common in the pathos and humour of their stories. But 
 Daudet 's range is peculiarly French. In " Sapho " the evil of a young 
 man entangled in a low-class liaison is graphically described. " The 
 Popinjay," like the " Nabob " and " A Passion of the South," is a 
 roman a clef. Under names sometimes scarcely disguised, Daudet here 
 reveals to us the romances and tragedies and humours of contemporary 
 exiled monarchs, prominent politicians, millionaires, artists, actresses 
 and other Society persons of note. " Sidonie's Revenge " is a mar- 
 vellous presentment of the career of an ambitious young Parisian 
 woman of the poor middle class, who marries a rich man, to his ruin. 
 
 ALEXANDRE DUMAS. 
 
 The Black Tulip. (" La Tulipe Noire ") 
 
 Alexandre Dumas was the creator of " Monte Cristo " and so many 
 other widely-known romances. This is one of his two or three most 
 famous novels, and breathes a genuinely Dutch atmosphere. 
 
 LOUIS de ROBERT 
 
 Life's Last Gift. (" Le Roman du Malade ") 
 
 The novel that won the prize of 5,000 francs given for the best French 
 novel of 1911. It is the story of a young ambitious man who struggles 
 to free himself of an impending disaster, but only becomes more deeply 
 entrapped. In Ins misery and dread there comes as " Life's Last 
 Gift " a romantic passion which cannot be requited but estranges him 
 for a time from those most dear, and then leaves him to turn with a 
 renewal of faith to the arms which he has shunned. 
 
 The beauty of this book lies in its absolute sincerity and truth. It 
 speaks to all men and women who realise how great and terrible a 
 possession is life. 
 
 12 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY— Continued 
 
 GUSTAVE FLAUBERT 
 
 Madame Bovary. 
 Salammbo. 
 
 The Temptation of St. Anthony. ("La Tenta- 
 tion de Saint Anioine ") 
 
 As can be ascertained by reading these stories, Flaubert was one of 
 the greatest artists in literature that ever existed. It did not save him 
 from public prosecution in the case of " Madame Bovary," which is 
 now conceded to be one of the dozen masterpieces of the world. It is 
 the plain tale of a provincial girl who has uncontrollable leaning 
 towards a fuller life than that afforded by a French provincial town. 
 " Salammb6 " is a romantic love-tragedy of ancient Carthage. Its' 
 passion and its word-pictures are inimitable. " The Temptation of 
 St. Anthony " is revealed in a stupendous succession of ordeals, carnal 
 and intellectual. It is of surpassing knowledge and psychological 
 interest. 
 
 MAXIME FORMONT 
 
 The She- Wolf. ("La Louve ") 
 
 A powerful novel of the life and times of Ccsare Borgia, in which 
 history and romance are mingled with a strong hand. The story is 
 told of the abduction of Alva Colonna on the eve of her marriage with 
 Prospero Sarelli, when she is carried off to his palace at Rome and 
 becomes his slave-mistress. The subsequent events, more or less 
 following history or tradition, include the introduction of the dark 
 woman of gipsy extraction, who enamours Cesare, and poisons the 
 wine by which the Colonna and her old lover Sarelli die. The story 
 closes with a description of Cesare's last days and death. This novel 
 has been highly popular in France. 
 
 ANATOLE FRANCE 
 
 Thais. 
 
 A tale of old Egypt at the period when its civilisation was at its 
 intellectual highest. M. France, who may perhaps be called the chief 
 among living French authors, displays here his full charm of style, his 
 wonderful power of analysis and his characteristically tolerant wit. It 
 is a story appealing not only to the mind, but to all human emotion. 
 It tells how a monk, Paphnutius, leaves the desert to rescue from sin 
 a dancing-girl, to whose charms he eventually falls a victim. 
 
 FRANZ FUNCK-BRENTANO 
 
 The Diamond Necklace. (" V Affaire du Collier ") 
 Cagliostrq & Co. 
 
 Everything relating to Marie Antoinette and the events leading up 
 to the French Revolution are always of thrilling interest. These two 
 volumes by a famous French author tell the whole story of the notorious 
 quack Cagliostro and the affair of the Diamond Necklace, which had 
 such a sinister influence in bringing to head the relentless hatred of the 
 French people for the Queen. 
 
 13 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY— Continued 
 
 PAUL GAULOT 
 
 The Red Shirts. (" Les Chemises Rouges.") 
 
 Everything connected with the mighty French Revolution is always 
 of deathless interest. The present romance treats of those fearful 
 times in such a way as to bring their grim realities clearly to one's 
 mind. The popular French writer has never written a more graphic 
 story, which has also historical interest. 
 
 THEOPHILE GAUTIER. 
 Mdlle. de Maupin. 
 The Mummy's Romance. (" Le Roman de la 
 
 Momie ") 
 Captain Fracasse. (" Le Capitaine Fracasse ") 
 
 One of the leaders of the French romanticists, Gautier achieved 
 deathless triumphs in poetry and many branches of literature. " Mile, 
 de Maupin " is one of the most daring love-novels ever written, in which 
 costume and sex are sometimes considerably confused. " The 
 Mummy's Romance " exhibits Gautier in one of his most fascinatingly 
 fantastic moods, an English lord falling in love with a mummy 
 princess ! " Captain Fracasse " is of a more realistic character. It is 
 the romance of a very poor young provincial nobleman who joins a 
 troup of strolling players, and there finds his heart's desire. 
 
 EDMOND de GONCOURT 
 La Faustin. 
 
 An analysis of the life of a voluptuary, done with plain-spokenness, 
 yet at the same time with the greatest refinement of feeling and ex- 
 pression. An amazing study of a side of life somewhat obscure to the 
 average reader. 
 
 VICTOR HUGO 
 
 The Outlaw of Iceland. (" Hans D'Islande ") 
 
 In Swinburne's opinion Hugo was almost the greatest of all the 
 poets and romanticists and playwrights of whom we have record. 
 His versatility was extraordinary. We have him here represented by 
 one of the best of his earlier romances. It is thrillingly full of dramatic 
 incident and possesses likewise a romantic love-interest. The scenes 
 are laid chiefly in the North in olden times. 
 
 PAUL de KOCK 
 
 A Good-natured Fellow. (" Un Bon Enfant ") 
 
 Wit, humour and pathos, with much dramatic power, are the chief 
 characteristics of this most popular novelist. The vices and virtues of 
 the Parisian bourgeoisie are here laid bare, in the description of the 
 downfall of an average middle-class man, who meets with a stronger 
 and vicious nature. There is a great variety of interest, which keeps 
 the reader's attention always engaged. 
 
 14 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY— Continued 
 JOSEPH KRASZEWSKI 
 
 Count Bruhl. (" BruhL Opowiadanie history- 
 czne ") 
 
 Life in Central Europe, parts of which are so full of significance to us 
 just now, has been but inadequately revealed in fiction to English 
 readers. Here is an admirably written and vividly interesting present- 
 ment of that mode of living, written by one of the best known of con- 
 temporary authors. 
 
 JULES LEMAPTRE 
 
 Their Majesties the Kings. (" Les Rois ") 
 
 Royalties and their lives are full of interest to every reader. M. 
 Jules Lemaltre, the well-known French author and publicist, gives us 
 in this admirable novel a vivid insight into their ways of thought and 
 feeling. It is said to be a novel with a key to it. 
 
 E. LEPELLETIER A 
 
 Madame Sans-Gene. 
 
 Nobody ever wearies of reading about the great Napoleon. Every- 
 thing he ever said or did will always fascinate us. Here is presented 
 the popular original novel from which the popular play by Sardou and 
 Moreau, dealing with the exciting fortunes of the washerwoman en- 
 nobled by Napoleon, was built up. It is a fine tale, rich in historical 
 interest, exceedingly dramatic and full of action. 
 
 PIERRE LOTI 
 
 The Romance of a Spahi. (" Le Roman d'un 
 Spahi ") 
 
 It is not often given to a sailor to be a story-teller of the first order, 
 endowed with a sense of rhythmical style which is unfailing in its 
 allurements. All the human passions, love, hate, pity, fear of death, 
 are at Captain Viaud's command for expression. He has travelled all 
 over the world. He gives here a picture of some impressions. 
 
 PIERRE LOUYS 
 
 Woman and Puppet. ("La Femme et le Pantin ") 
 
 A collection of stories told with that touch of nature which dis- 
 tinguishes M. Louys above almost all his contemporaries. When 
 artistic occasion demands, he is certainly the most daring. There is 
 nothing in human nature he is afraid of revealing ; and in the most 
 beautiful language imaginable. 
 
 15 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY— Continued 
 
 AUGUSTE MAQUET 
 
 The White Rose. 
 
 Auguste Maquet was born in Paris about one hundred years ago, 
 and died in 1888. The work that he did, and helped Dumas to do, 
 will die with the human heart ; not a day before. 
 
 In 1837 he entered into collaboration with Alexandre Dumas. They 
 worked together, " flashing their quills in the sunlight," as Disraeli 
 said, until about 1851, when their interests became involved — and 
 there was a gap between them. 
 
 Maquet participated in the best of the romances of Dumas, " Monte 
 Cristo," the series of " Les Trois Mousquetaires, " La Dame de Mont- 
 soreau," " Le Chevalier de Maison Rouge," etc. His own books, that is to 
 say those he signed, were delightful. From one of them Dumas took the 
 material for that fine little novel, " Le Chevalier d'Harmental." But 
 perhaps the two books most worthy to live in an English version are 
 
 The White Rose," a romance of Richard, Duke of York — a fine 
 historical novel — and " Marcelle the Lovable." " Marcelle " contains 
 a superb scoundrel, and also the most adorable young woman, Marcelle, 
 Vicomtesse de la Blinais, to be met in a whole decade of French fiction. 
 
 PAUL AND VICTOR MARGUERITTE 
 
 The Disaster. (" Une Epoche. Le Bhastre ") 
 
 Much fiction, good and bad, has been written round about the 
 Franco-Prussian war, the main incidents of which are peculiarly interest - 
 ing to us just now. But this first-rate novel by the famous brothers 
 Margueritte is far and away the most illuminating that has seen the 
 light on that subject. Its romance and pieturesqueness and terror 
 hold one's attention from first to last. 
 
 GUY de MAUPASSANT 
 
 A Woman's Soul. (" Une Vie ") 
 
 A man of strong passions, not over-scrupulous in gratifying them, 
 and possessed of a cold, calculating mind, marries an innocent young 
 Frenchwoman, brought up in the country and fresh from the convent 
 where she was educated. The inevitable pathos of what follows is- 
 told with all Maupassant's habitual fearlessness and truth to life. It 
 is the best by far of his longer stories. 
 
 HENRI MURGER 
 
 The Latin Quarter. (" Scenes de la Vie de 
 Bohhne ") 
 
 The well-known artistic quarter of Paris, with its hard struggles, its 
 humour, wit and pathos, together with its glorious light-heartedness 
 and contempt for all convention, has never found a greater genius to 
 expound it than Miirger, himself belonging to that French Bohemia, 
 and steeped in its ways and traditions. The adventures of talented 
 young artists and their friends and their models are described with a 
 frank and sympathetic humour, which is irresistibly fascinating. 
 
 16 
 
THE LOTUS LIBRARY— Continued 
 
 ALFRED AND PAUL de MUSSET 
 
 A Modern Man's Confession. 
 He and She. (" Lui et Elle ") 
 
 The well-known liaison between the great poet, Alfred de Musset, 
 and the great novelist who called herself Georges Sand, is the key to 
 these two extraordinary books. For absolute frankness about one of 
 the aspects of modern love in the world of literary Bohemia, these 
 two stories have never been surpassed and naturally created an 
 immense sensation. 
 
 GEORGES OHNET 
 
 The Rival Actresses. "( Lise Fleuron ") 
 The Poison Dealer. 
 
 In Deep Abyss. (" Au Fond dn Goujfre ") 
 The Woman of Mystery. 
 
 It is probably no exaggeration to say that M. Olmet is the most 
 popular of modern novelists. He frankly lays himself out to amuse 
 you and to keep you amused and interested from the first to the last 
 pages of lus sensational stories. And he always succeeds. After 
 beginning one of his books it is impossible to lay it down unfinished. 
 And they are all brilliantly clever, exciting and at the same time healthy 
 stuff. No wonder he is read by the hundred thousand. 
 
 LEO TOLSTOY 
 
 The Kreutzer Sonata. 
 Sebastopol. 
 
 In " Sebastopol " this great Russian genius gives us in fiction-form 
 his own thrilling experiences in the Crimean war. Like the " Kreutzer 
 Sonata," which is a tragic story frankly dealing with one of the most 
 vital of modern sexual problems, it is a masterpiece of psychology. 
 A startling insight is afforded of the attitude towards life and love and 
 death, of Russian men and women of to-day. 
 
 GUY THORNE 
 
 When it was Dark. (520th thousand) 
 
 A famous novel, dealing with one of the most vital religious problems 
 of the day, which struck the present Bishop of London so forcibly that 
 he gave it the unprecedented honour of mention in a sermon, with high 
 praise. 
 
 EMILE ZOLA 
 
 Drink. (" UAssommoir ") 
 
 Few writers have ever excited so much controversy as Zola. He 
 has been declared the most immoral, and, on the other hand, the 
 most moral of contemporary novelists. In " Drink " his moral object 
 is apparent in the realistic study of the effects of yielding to alcoholic 
 temptations ; but there is nothing small in it, nothing in the nature of 
 a temperance tract. It is on big lines, epical. 
 
 17 
 
GREENINGS POPULAR 6d. NOVELS 
 
 A Series of copyright novels by leading Authors, well 
 and clearly printed from modern type. 
 
 THE HOVERERS Lucas Cleeve. 
 
 THE GALLANT GRAHAM May Wynne. 
 
 BLACK HONEY C. Ranger-Gull. 
 
 JACK SHEPPARD Harrison Ains worth. 
 
 THE DEVIL IN SOLUTION William Caine. 
 
 THE FATE OF THE HARA DIAMOND 
 
 T. W. Speight. 
 
 TROPICAL TALES Dolf Wyllarde. 
 
 WHEN IT WAS DARK (520th thousand) 
 
 Guy Thorne. 
 
 THE SECRET OF CHAUVILLE David Whitelaw. 
 
 THE HYPOCRITE (3rd edition) C. Ranger-Gull. 
 
 HENRY OF NAVARRE (74th thousand) May Wynne. 
 
 THE BLUE OCEAN'S DAUGHTER 
 
 Cyrus Townsend -Brady. 
 
 13 
 
Greening's 
 
 6d. Novels — Continued 
 
 HARRISON AINSWORTH 
 
 102 Jack Sheppard 
 
 103 Dick Tiirpin 
 
 STEPHEN ANDREW 
 77 Doctor Grey 
 
 FORTUNE DU BOISGOBEY. 
 
 100 The Convict Colonel 
 
 101 The Angel of The Chimes 
 
 MRS. A. S. BRADSHAW 
 96 Ashes Tell no Tales. 
 
 CYRUS TOWNSEND BRADY 
 
 126 Richard The Brazen 
 
 75 The Blue Ocean's Daughter 
 
 COMTESSE DE BREMONT 
 
 113 Mrs. Evelyn's Husbands 
 
 132 Daughters of Pleasure 
 WILLIAM CAINE 
 
 155 The Devil in Solution 
 R. W. CHAMBERS 
 
 93 A King and a few Dukes. 
 
 LUCAS CLEEVE 
 
 79 The Cardinal and Lady Susan 
 
 82 The Mascotte of Park Lane 
 71 The Love Seekers. 
 
 156 The Hoverers. 
 TRISTRAM COUTTS 
 
 85 The Pottle Papers 
 T. W. H. CROSLAND 
 
 123 The Country Life 
 ALPHONSE DAUDET 
 
 112 Sapho 
 S. J. ADAIR FITZGERALD 
 
 99 Fame the Fiddler 
 GUSTAVE FLAUBERT 
 
 128 Madame Bovary 
 A. G. FOLLIOTT-STOKES 
 
 124 A Moorland Princess 
 FRANCES FORBES-ROBERTSON 
 
 (FRANCES HARROD) 
 74 The Wanton 
 EMILE GABORIAU 
 
 127 The Blackmailers 
 GRUNER GILLMAN 
 
 131 The Loafer 
 
 135 The Suburban Scandal 
 
 136 The Continuous Honeymoon 
 WINIFRED GRAHAM 
 
 81 A Miracle of the Turf 
 C. RANGER-GULL 
 
 83 Back to Lilac Land 
 
 89 The Serf 
 
 90 The Cigarette Smoker 
 
 91 The Hypocrite 
 
 92 Miss Malevolent 
 130 His Grace's Grace 
 
 157 Black Honey 
 
 J. B. HARRIS-BURLAND 
 109 The Financier 
 
 129 The Gold Worshippers 
 EDGAR JEPSON 
 
 133 The Admirable Tinker 
 
 BART KENNEDY. 
 98 A Man Adrift. 
 
 CHARLOTTE MANSFIELD 
 
 110 Torn Lace 
 
 MRS. ALEC MCMILLAN 
 117 The Weird Well 
 
 HUME NESBIT 
 
 97 Paths of the Dead 
 
 GEORGES OHNET 
 
 115 In Deep Abyss 
 
 J. L. OWEN 
 
 111 Seven Nights with_Satan 
 
 EDWARD PEPLE 
 
 126 Richard the Brazen 
 
 CAMPBELL RAE-BROWN 
 
 121 The Resurrection of His Grace 
 
 122 The Shadow on the Manse 
 
 NORMAN ROE 
 134 Sam 
 
 HENRYK SIENKIEWICZ 
 114 In Monte Carlo 
 
 GEORGE R. SIMS 
 
 104 Three Brass Balls 
 
 105 The Theatre of Life 
 
 106 Watches of the Night 
 
 107 The Social Kaleidoscope 
 
 T. W. SPEIGHT 
 
 76 The Fate of the Hara Diamond 
 
 116 Mora 
 
 CONSTANCE SUTCLIFFE 
 125 Our Lady of the Ice 
 
 GUY THORNE 
 
 78 When it was Dark 
 
 88 The Oven 
 HOUGHTON TOWNLEY 
 
 87 The Bishop's Emeralds 
 REGINALD TURNER 
 
 86 Uncle Peaceable 
 
 94 The Steeple 
 
 95 Cynthia's Damages. 
 FLORENCE WARDEN 
 
 72 The Case for the Lady 
 GERTRUDE WARDEN 
 
 108 Compromised 
 DAVID WHITELAW 
 
 80 The Gang 
 137 The Man with the Red Beard 
 
 159 The Secret of Chauville 
 DOLF WYLLARDE 
 
 147 Tropical Tales 
 MAY WYNNE 
 
 68 Henry of Navarre 
 
 69 A Maid of Brittany 
 
 70 When Terror Ruled 
 
 73 Mistress Cynthia 
 
 160 The Gallant Graham 
 EMILE ZOLA 
 
 84 Drink 
 
 19 
 
GREENING'S NEW 
 SIX SHILLING NOVELS 
 
 THE SEVENTH POST-CARD 
 
 By Flowerdew, Author of "The Second Elopement," 
 "The Third Wife," etc. 
 
 The story is quite different from anything previously written by 
 this author, and will appeal particularly to motorists. The plot 
 hurries along through surprising intricacies and happenings, skilfully 
 arranged to hold the reader in a state of breathless suspense until the 
 last chapter is reached. How Joanna Somerset found a clue to the 
 personel of the anti-motorist League which was to threaten her own 
 life, and the fate of the man she loved makes a very fresh and exciting 
 love story. 
 
 THE LOVE TIDES 
 
 By Captain Frank H. Shaw, Author of " A Daughter 
 of the Storm," " First at the Pole," etc. 
 
 The author has become well-known for the dash and the reality of 
 his sea stories, and " Love Tides," a story of stowaways, shipwreck, 
 and romance, is a delightful example of " amusement that thrills." It 
 is a story quite in the Chirk Russell manner, and contains some remark- 
 able storm pictures. 
 
 WHEN SATAN RULED 
 
 By C. Ranger-Gull, Author of " The House of 
 Torment," etc. 
 
 "Asa past master in the art of exciting romances, Mr. Ranger-Gull 
 has made for himself a widespread and notable reputation. The great 
 figures of Michel Angelo and Benvenuto Cellini, the famous artist of that 
 artistic age, of Pope Paul III, and the life-like picture of his entourage, 
 ail add their quota to the graphic narrative, the romantic scenes and 
 interest which the writer here sets forth. Mr. Ranger-Gull has found a 
 theme worthy his skill, and he has treated it with a force and a success 
 worthy of his great and growing reputation." — The Bookseller. 
 
 20 
 
New Six Shilling Novels — Continued 
 
 THE MERCHANT OF VENICE 
 
 Told by " A Popular Novelist." With eight illus- 
 trations in colours by Averil Burleigh. 
 
 " A most delightful old-time romance. The author has preserved 
 the charm of the immortal work, and given us a fresh inducement to 
 read the play again. The interest, indeed, is so well maintained that 
 those who begin to read Shakespeare in this altogether new guise will 
 not be satisfied until they have studied the original work, and perhaps 
 seen it, in a worthy setting, upon the stage. We have now nothing but 
 praise for the excellent novel he has given us. It will be read and 
 enjoyed by thousands." — The Schoolmaster. 
 
 A MAN'S LIFE IS DIFFERENT 
 
 By Maud H. Yardley, Author of " Sinless," 
 " Because," etc. 
 
 A story founded upon matrimonial complications arising from the 
 re-appearance of a former lover. Fate brings the two women together. 
 The story is cleverly told, and the reader must be the judge as to 
 whether there is one standard of conduct for a man and another for a 
 
 THE SECRET OF THE ZENANA 
 
 By May Wynne, Author of " Henry of Navarre," etc. 
 
 A vivid romance of India in the 18th century, just before the time 
 when Give reached Madras as a penniless immigrant. A young English 
 girl, an Indian potentate, and a loyal young Scotsman play the principal 
 parts in an exciting drama. 
 
 MACBETH 
 
 Told by " A Popular Novelist." With 8 illustrations 
 in colour by Averil Burleigh. 
 
 It is surprising how many people are unacquainted with their 
 Shakespeare. For many the reading of the plays is difficult, and to 
 become thoroughly familiarised with the detail of the dramas by the 
 easy process of reading them in this form, will prove an excellent intro- 
 duction to the dramatic performance itself, enhancing the enjoyment 
 when seen upon the stage. The leading features of the play are 
 retained in the story, and many of the incidents stand out with remark- 
 able clearness. 
 
 MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING 
 
 Told by "A Popular Novelist." With illustrations 
 in colour by Averil Burleigh. 
 
 21 
 
New Six Shilling Novels — Continued 
 SARABANDE 
 
 By Gertrude A. Bell. With a frontispiece printed in 
 colours. 
 
 The strange thrilling experiences of a young girl captured in London 
 and conveyed across France to Egypt. Vivid and picturesque descrip- 
 tions of that mysterious land are interwoven with a charming love tale 
 which contrasts with the tragic background across which move the 
 sinister figures of the heroine's captors. A book, which in spite of the 
 poignancy of its theme, is written with great tenderness, and can profit- 
 ably be given even to those who are on the threshold of life. 
 
 LOVE AND A TITLE 
 
 By Flowerdew, Author of " Mrs. Gray's Past," etc. 
 
 Lady Iris Belver, the most beautiful debutante of the year, is 
 discovered hiding in a dark doorway in the Borough. From tliis Mr. 
 Flowerdew tells an exciting but natural story. 
 
 THE HIDDEN MASK 
 
 By C. Guise Mitford, Author of "The Wooing of 
 Martha," etc. 
 
 With a daring plot Mj. Mitford writes a thrilling story of sensation 
 and romance. 
 
 MARCELLE THE LOVABLE 
 
 By Auguste Maquet, Collaborator with Dumas in 
 "The Three Musketeers," etc. 
 
 An old sea-captain living with his son and daughter-in-law, Marcelle 
 finds himself suddenly aroused to defend his property against the claims 
 of an adventurer. The story shows the pluck of Marcelle at this crisis. 
 
 CONSCIENCE MONEY 
 
 By Sidney Warwick, Author of " The Road Back," etc. 
 
 A remarkable story, touching modern life in London at many strange 
 and unfamiliar points. 
 
 THE PRINCE'S PREDICAMENT 
 
 By Robert Arthur Dillon. 
 
 22 
 
GREENINGS 1/- NET NOVELS 
 
 In Crown 8vo, cloth, with pictoral wrapper. 1/- net each. 
 NEW VOLUMES 
 THE WOMAN IN THE CASE 
 
 By C Ranger-Gull, Author of " The Hypocrite," etc. 
 
 An absorbing story of intrigue, crime, and the truest of true love, 
 adapted from Clyde Fitch's play of the same name, produced with so 
 much success by Mr. Herbert Sleath. 
 
 THE MESSAGE FROM MARS 
 
 By Lester Lurgan. With illustrations from the film. 
 
 A novel founded on the well-known and successful play of that name, 
 by Mr. Richard Ganthony, in which Mr. Charles Hawtrey has acted 
 no less than 2,000 times. 
 
 THE GIRL AND THE GODS (3rd edition) 
 
 Charlotte Mansfield, Author of "'Torn Lace," etc. 
 
 " A powerful story of London Life brilliantly conceived and 
 
 fearlessly carried out." — Christian Commonwealth. 
 '* A daring book." — Daily Express. 
 
 WHERE TERROR RULED 
 
 May Wynne, Author of " Brave Brigands," etc. 
 A thrilling story of the French Revoluion. 
 
 In Crown 8vo, Pictorial covers : — 
 
 DRINK 
 
 Emile Zola. 
 
 A new adaptation for English readers of Emile Zola's famous 
 novel " L'Assommoir." 
 
 MADAME SANS GENE 
 
 A romance by Edmond Lepelletier, founded on the 
 play by Sardou and Moreau, translated from the 
 French, and Edited by J. A. J. de Villiers. 
 
 THE CHILDREN OF ALSACE 
 
 By Rene Bazin. Author of " The Nun," 
 
 The Church Times says : — " To those who do not know the better side 
 of modern French fiction the book will be a revelation of art, insight, and 
 reverence." 
 
 23 
 
GREENINGS 1/- NET NOVELS 
 
 In Crown Svo. cloth. With pictorial wrapper. 
 
 R. ANDOM 
 
 51 At School with Troddles 
 
 R. S. WARREN BELL 
 
 54 Company for George 
 
 GERALD BISS 
 
 55 The Dupe 
 
 71 The White Rose Mystery 
 
 MARJORIE BO WEN 
 
 45 The Sword Decides 
 
 PORTER EMERSON BROWNE 
 78 A Fool There Was. 
 
 ROBERT BUCHANAN AND HENRY 
 MURRAY 
 
 47 The Charlatan 
 
 WILLIAM CAINE 
 
 61 The Victim and the Votery 
 90 Boom 
 
 MRS. CHAN-TOON 
 
 70 A Marriage in Burro ah 
 
 ALPHONSE DAUDET 
 58 The Popinjay 
 
 ANATOLE FRANCE 
 41 Thais 
 
 S. J. ADAIR FITZGERALD 
 
 60 That Fascinating Widow 
 
 C FORESTIER-WALKER 
 72 The Silver Gate 
 
 RICHARD GANTHONY AND LESTER 
 LURGAN 
 
 91 The Message from Mars 
 
 ARNOLD GOI.DSWORTHY 
 80 Death and the Woman 
 
 COSMO HAMILTON 
 
 86 The Danger of Innocence 
 
 WASHINGTON IRVING 
 85 Rip Van Winkle 
 
 EDGAR J EPSON 
 
 67 The Admirable Tinker 
 77 Lord Lisdor 
 
 MICHAEL KAYE AND EADE 
 MONTEFIORE 
 39 The Mousm 
 
 CHARLOTTE MANSFIELD 
 44 The Girl and the Gods 
 
 VALENTINE MANDELSTAM 
 87 Jim Blackwood : Jockey 
 
 L T. MEADE 
 
 46 The Voice of the Charmer 
 
 DENNIS MORRELL 
 
 49 A Wild West King 
 
 J. E. MUDDOCK 
 
 48 The Dead Man's Secret 
 
 W. E. NORRIS 
 
 42 Billy Bellew 
 
 C. RANGER-GULL 
 
 84 The Woman in the Case 
 
 43 The Glad Eye 
 
 53 The Butterfly on the Wheel 
 68 Portalone 
 
 MORLEY ROBERTS 
 
 65 The Degradation of Geoffrey 
 
 Alwith 
 
 FRANCES FORBES ROBERTSON 
 (FRANCES HARROD) 
 83 The Potentate 
 
 GEO. R. SIMS 
 
 79 London By Night 
 
 GUY THORNE 
 52 Divorce 
 50 Sweetheart Submarine 
 
 66 From the Book Beautiful 
 
 GUY THORNE & LEO CUSTANCE 
 82 Sharks 
 
 HOUGHTON TOWNLEY 
 
 75 The Splendid Coward 
 
 REGINALD TURNER 
 
 76 Castles in Kensington 
 
 H. B. VOGF 
 
 73 Ge • Bush- 
 
 FLORENCE WARDEN 
 
 40 The Beauty Doctor 
 
 DAVID WHITELAW 
 
 88 Moon of Valleys 
 
 89 Princess Galva 
 
 81 McStodger's Affinity. 
 
 MAY WYNNE 
 
 62 When Terror Ruled 
 
 69 Henry of Navarre 
 
 64 For Charles the Rover 
 
 24 
 

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823.91 
 
 M367U 
 
 523514