IJ 
 
 / _ 
 
 DUKE 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
My Life as a 
 Dissociated Personality 
 
 By B. C. A. 
 
 With an Introduction by 
 
 MORTON PRINCE, M.D. 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 RICHARD G. BADGER 
 
 ®fje 45orf)am Press 
 
 I 9°9 
 
Copyright, 1909 , by Morton Prince, M.D. 
 
 All Rights Reserved 
 
 “My Life as a Dissociated Personality” originally 
 appeared in The Journal of Abnormal Psychology 
 
 The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A. 
 
MY LIFE AS A DISSOCIATED PERSONALITY 
 
 BY B. C. A. 
 
 PART I 
 
 [An account of the various phases of dissociated personality, written by 
 the patient, after recovery and restoration of memory for all the different 
 phases, cannot fail to be of interest. If the writer is endowed with the 
 capacity for accurate introspection and statement, such an account ought 
 to give an insight into the condition of the mind during these dissociated 
 states that is difficult to obtain from objective observation, or, if elicited 
 from a clinical narration of the patient, to accurately transcribe. In that 
 remarkable book, “A Mind that Found Itself,” the author, writing after 
 recovery from insanity, has given us an unique insight into the insane mind. 
 Similarly the writer of the following account allows us to see the beginnings 
 of the differentiation of her mind into complexes, the final development 
 of a dissociated or multiple personality, and to understand the moods, 
 points of view, motives, and dominating ideas which characterized each phase. 
 Such an account could only be given by a person who has had the experience, 
 and who has the introspective and literary capacity to describe them. 
 
 The writer in publishing, though with some reluctance and at my re¬ 
 quest, her experiences as a multiple personality, is actuated only, as I can 
 vouch, by a desire to contribute to our knowledge of such conditions. The 
 experiences of her illness — now happily recovered from — have led her to 
 take an active interest in abnormal psychology and to inform herself, so far 
 as is possible by the study of the literature, on many ofthe problems involved. 
 The training thus acquired has plainly added to the accuracy and value of 
 her introspective observations. 
 
 A brief preliminary statement will be necessary in order that the account, 
 as told by the patient, may be fully intelligible. 
 
 The subject has been under the observation of the editor for about two 
 years. When first seen the case presented the ordinary picture of so-called 
 neurasthenia, characterized by persistent fatigue and the usual somatic 
 symptoms, and by moral doubts and scruples. This phase was later termed 
 and is described in the following account as state or complex A. Later 
 another state, spoken of as complex B, suddenly developed. Complex A 
 had no memory for complex B, but the latter not only had full knowledge 
 of A, but persisted co-consciously when A was present. B was therefore 
 both an alternating and a co-conscious state. Besides differences in memory, 
 A and B manifested distinct and markedly different characteristics, which 
 included moods, tastes, points of view, habits of thought, and controlling 
 ideas. In place, for instance, of the depression, fatigue, and moral doubts 
 and scruples of A, B manifested rather a condition of exaltation, and complete 
 freedom from neurasthenia and its accompanying obsessional ideas. With 
 the appearance of B it was recognized that both states were phases of a disso¬ 
 ciated personality, and neither represented the normal complete personality. 
 After prolonged study, this latter normal state was obtained in hypnosis, 
 
 3 
 
4 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 and, on being waked up, a personality was found which possessed the com¬ 
 bined memories of A and B and was free from the pathological stigmata 
 which respectively characterized each. This normal person is spoken of as 
 C. The normal C had, therefore, split into two systems of complexes or 
 personalities, A and B. This relationship may be diagrammatically ex¬ 
 pressed as follows: 
 
 c 
 
 A B 
 
 This account wdl be followed in the next number by one written by the 
 dissociated personality B, describing the point of view of the patient in this 
 state and also her subconscious (co-conscious) life (which she claims to 
 remember) in its various relations and functionings. The analysis, how¬ 
 ever it be interpreted, cannot fail to be a remarkable contribution to the 
 subconscious.— The Editor.] 
 
 My dear Dr. Prince, 
 
 You have asked me to give you an account of my illness as 
 it seems to me now that I am myself and well; describing 
 myself in those changes of personality which we have called 
 “A” and “B.” 
 
 It is always difficult for one to analyze one’s self accurately 
 and the conditions have been very complex. I think, 
 however, that I have a clear conception and appreciation of 
 my case. I remember myself perfectly as “ A ” and as 
 “ B.” I remember my thoughts, my feelings, and my points 
 of view in each personality and can see where they are the 
 same, and where they depart from my normal self. These 
 points of view will appear as we go on and I feel sure that 
 my memory can be trusted. I recall clearly how in each 
 state I regarded the other state and how in each I regarded 
 myself. 
 
 As I have said, I have now, as “ C,” all the memories of 
 both states (though none of the co-conscious life which, as 
 B, I claimed and believed I had). These memories are 
 clearly differentiated in my mind. It would be impossible 
 to confuse the two as the moods which governed each were 
 so absolutely different, but it is quite another thing to make 
 them distinct on paper. I have, however, been so constantly 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 5 
 
 under your observation that you can, no doubt, correct any 
 statement I may make which is not borne out by your own 
 knowledge. 
 
 I am, perhaps, of a somewhat emotional nature and have 
 never been very strong physically, though nothing of an 
 invalid, and have always been self-controlled and not at all 
 hysterical, as I would use the word. On the contrary, I was, 
 I am sure, considered a very sensible woman by those who 
 know me well, though I am not so sure what they may think 
 of me now. I am, however, very sensitive and responsive 
 to impressions in the sense that I am easily affected by my 
 environment. For instance, at the theatre I lose myself in 
 the play and feel keenly all the emotions portrayed by the 
 actors. These emotions are reflected vividly in my face and 
 manner sometimes to the amusement of those with me and, if 
 the scene is a painful one, it often takes me a long time to 
 recover from the effect of it. The same is true of scenes 
 from actual life. 
 
 Before this disintegration took place I had borne great 
 responsibility and great sorrow with what I think I am justi¬ 
 fied in calling fortitude and I do not think the facts of my 
 previous life would warrant the assumption that I was, 
 naturally, nervously unstable. It does not carry great 
 weight, I know, for one to say of one’s self, — I am sensible, 
 I am stable, I am not hysterical, — but I believe the state¬ 
 ment can be>corroborated by the testimony of those who 
 have known me through my years of trial. The point I wish 
 to make is that my case shows that such an illness as I have 
 had is possible to a constitutionally stable person and is not 
 confined to those of an hysterical tendency. 
 
 A year previous to this division of personality a long 
 nervous strain, covering a period of four years, had cul¬ 
 minated in the death of one very dear to me. I was at that 
 time in good physical health, though nervously worn, but this 
 death occurred in such a way as to cause me a great shock 
 and within the six days following I lost twenty pounds in 
 weight. For nearly three months I went almost entirely 
 without food, seemingly not eating enough to sustain life, and 
 I did not average more than three or four hours’ sleep out of 
 the twenty-four, but I felt neither hungry nor faint, and was 
 
6 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 extremely busy and active, being absorbed both by home 
 responsibilities and business affairs. The end of the year, 
 however, found me in very poor health physically and I was 
 nervously and mentally exhausted. I was depressed, sad, 
 felt that I had lost all that made life worth living and, indeed, 
 I wished to die. I was very nervous, unable to eat or sleep, 
 easily fatigued, suffered constantly from headache, to which 
 I had always been subject, and was not able to take much 
 exercise. The physician under whose care I was at this 
 time told me, when I asked him to give my condition a name, 
 that I was suffering from “nervous and cerebral exhaustion.” 
 
 It was at this time that the shock which caused the division 
 of personality occurred. Before describing it I should 
 mention a few of my most pronounced minor traits which, 
 though of no importance in themselves, will enable, through 
 the change that took place in them, the marked alteration of 
 character after the shock to be recognized. Among these 
 characteristics were a great dislike of riding on electric cars, 
 an almost abnormal nervousness about bugs and mosqui¬ 
 toes — I always disliked going into the woods for this reason—- 
 an aversion to exercise in summer, and a fear of canoeing. I 
 had never enjoyed sitting out from under cover or on the 
 ground as the glare of the sun was apt to cause headache 
 and I abhorred all crawling things.* I was reserved with 
 strangers and not given to making my friends quickly; 
 devoted to my family and relatives, fond of my friends, and 
 not in the habit of neglecting them in any way. I felt much 
 responsibility concerning business matters and had given 
 a good deal of time and thought to them. Many more pe¬ 
 culiarities might be mentioned. The change which took 
 place in me in these respects will be presently related. But 
 shortly before the complete change took place, to my surprise 
 there were times when I did some of the things above referred 
 to, such as sitting in the woods, etc. I felt a sense of wonder 
 that I should be doing them and a still greater wonder that 
 I found them pleasant. There was also a sense at times of 
 
 *1 have put this in the past tense because I have changed in some of these 
 characteristics. I enjoy an out-of-door life more than I used to; am fond 
 of the woods and the water in spite of the insects and the fact that I am 
 afraid of a canoe. 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 7 
 
 impatience and irritation at being troubled with business 
 matters or responsibility of any kind and an inclination to 
 throw aside all care. I wondered at myself for feeling as I 
 did and rather protested to myself at many of my acts but 
 still kept right on doing them. It seems to me that these 
 ideas and feelings formed a complex by which I was more or 
 less governed and that this complex gradually grew in 
 strength andean be identified with that of the personality (B) 
 which first developed.* 
 
 The shock I received was of an intensely emotional nature. 
 It brought to me, suddenly, the realization that my position 
 in life was entirely changed, that I was quite alone, and with 
 this there came a feeling of helplessness and desolation be¬ 
 yond my powers of description. I felt, too, angry, frightened, 
 insulted. For a few minutes these ideas flashed through my 
 mind and then — all was changed. All the distressing ideas 
 of the preceding moments left me, and I no longer minded 
 what, a moment before, had caused me so much distress. I 
 became the personality which we have since called “ B.” 
 I do not feel now that the episode was of a character that 
 would have affected a person of a different nature, or even 
 myself had I been in good health. Psychologically speaking, 
 I suppose I was already in a somewhat disintegrated condi¬ 
 tion and, therefore, more susceptible. At any rate it did 
 affect me. From the moment of that shock I was, literally, 
 a different person. The episode itself became of little or no 
 importance to me and I looked upon it rather as a lark and 
 really enjoyed it, as I did, in this character, succeeding events. 
 With the change to “B’’ there was no loss of memory as some¬ 
 times occurs under such conditions. It seems very curious 
 to me that the effect of this shock was to change me not to the 
 despondent, despairing mood of “A ” which came later, but 
 to the happy mood of “ B.” 
 
 In describing the two personalities I shall sometimes have 
 to refer to them by the letters A and B to avoid the constant 
 repetition of “myself as A — myself as B.” 
 
 As B, I was, apparently, a perfectly normal person, as will 
 be seen from the description which follows, except that I was 
 
 *The gradual growth of the B complex is well described in the account 
 written by B to be published in the next issue of the Journal. 
 
8 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 ruled by a fixed idea that upon me, and me alone, depended 
 the salvation, moral and physical, of a person who was almost 
 a perfect stranger to me. I had known this person but a few 
 weeks. This idea became an obsession; all else sank into 
 insignificance beside it; nothing else was of any consequence 
 and I went to all lengths to help this person, doing things 
 which, though quite right and proper, indeed imperative, 
 from my point of view as B, were unwise and unnecessary. 
 I believed that I was the only one in the world who would 
 stand by him; that every one else had given him up as hope¬ 
 less and that his one chance lay in his belief in me. 
 
 With the change of personality, which will be clearer as you 
 read, there was also a complete change of physical condi¬ 
 tions. Previously neurasthenic, I, as B, was perfectly well 
 and strong and felt equal to anything in the way of physical 
 exercise. The minor traits I have above mentioned were re¬ 
 placed by their opposites. A walk of three or four miles did 
 not tire me at all; I tramped through the woods during the 
 hottest days of summer, with nothing on my head, feeling no 
 discomfort from the heat and no fatigue; I sat on the ground 
 in the woods, hours at a time, not minding in the least the 
 bugs and the mosquitoes; canoeing I was very fond of and 
 felt no fear of the water. I also took long rides on the 
 electric cars and found them perfectly delightful. These 
 are small things but, as you see, it was a radical change and 
 seems as strange to remember as the more important ones. 
 As B, I was light-hearted and happy and life seemed good 
 to me; I wanted to live; my pulses beat fuller, my blood 
 ran warmer through my veins than it ever had done before. 
 I seemed more alive. Nothing is stranger to remember than 
 the vigorous health of B. Never in my life was I so well, 
 before or since. I felt much younger and looked so, for 
 the lines of care, anxiety, sorrow, and fatigue had faded 
 from my face and the change in expression was remarked 
 upon. I neglected my family and friends shamefully, 
 writing short and unsatisfactory letters and leaving them in 
 ignorance of my health and plans; business affairs I washed 
 my hands of entirely. I lost the formality and reserve 
 which was one of my traits. My tastes, ideals, and points 
 of view were completely changed. 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 9 
 
 I remained in this state for some weeks, enjoying life to 
 the utmost in a way entirely foreign to my natural tastes and 
 inclinations as described above, walking, boating, etc., 
 living wholly out of doors; and also doing many irresponsible 
 things which were of a nature to cause me much distress later. 
 
 Some of this might, perhaps, be ascribed to improved 
 health though different from anything I had ever been be¬ 
 fore. 
 
 After a period of a few weeks I received a second shock, 
 which was caused by the discovery of deception in matters 
 which my “ obsession” had taken in charge. The revelation 
 came in a flash, a strong emotion swept over me, and the 
 state B, with all its traits, physical characteristics, and points 
 of view disappeared, and I changed to another state which 
 we have since called A. In this state my physical condi¬ 
 tion was much as it was before the first shock, that is, I was 
 neurasthenic. From a state of vigorous health I instantly 
 changed to one of illness and languor; could hardly sit up, 
 had constant headache, insomnia, loss of appetite, etc. My 
 mental characteristics were different. As before, however, 
 there was no amnesia either for the state when I was B or for 
 my life before the first shock. 
 
 Now, though as A I was filled with most disproportionate 
 horror at what had occurred during the weeks of my life as 
 B, I was ruled by the same obsession, but with this difference: 
 what I, as B, had done with a sense of pleasure, I, as A, did 
 with a sense of almost horror at my own actions, feeling that 
 I was compelled to do so by what seemed at the time a sense 
 of duty. I felt that I must carry out certain obligations, and 
 I doubt now, as I afterward expressed myself to you, if I 
 could have resisted had I tried. I would not refuse the de¬ 
 mand for help which was made upon me because I, as B, 
 had promised my aid, but in complying I was obliged to do 
 things which seemed to me, as A, shocking and unheard of. 
 I felt that my conduct was open to severe criticism but I had 
 promised and must fulfil though the skies fell. It seems to 
 me now, in the light of our present knowledge of B, that I 
 was in a sort of somnambulistic state governed by what I 
 have learned were co-conscious ideas belonging to B; that the 
 impulses of the B complex were too strong to be resisted; 
 
IO My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 but in my memory my ideas as B were at this time so curi¬ 
 ously intermingled with my ideas as A that it is useless to 
 try to analyze my mind more accurately. In mood, point 
 of view, ideals I was A, but I did the things B would have 
 done, though from a different incentive. For a few days I 
 remained A and then, owing, I think, to a lessening of nervous 
 tension, I changed again to B and remained in that state 
 for two or three weeks during which time I was physically 
 well and happy again. At the end of this time, as a result 
 of another realization of the actual situation, A reappeared 
 and was the only personality for some weeks. These changes 
 were due to successive emotional shocks. 
 
 When you first saw me I was A at my worst. I had no 
 amnesia for the events of the preceding months when, as B, 
 I had been filled with the joy of living. There was no 
 thought on my part of any “change of personality ”— I had 
 never heard of such a thing —- but I was like one slowly 
 awakening from a dream. I was equally aghast at what I (B) 
 had done for pleasure, and at what I (A), had done from a 
 sense of duty; one seemed as unbelievable as the other. One 
 of the most shocking things to me, as A, was the fact that I 
 had enjoyed myself. Had I committed the most dreadful 
 crimes I could not have felt greater anguish, regret, and re¬ 
 morse. I was dominated by the fixed ideas and obsessions 
 of B; I felt that I must respond to any call for help made by 
 this person even though it was against my inclination and 
 judgment to do so; there seemed no choice for me in the 
 matter — I had to; I could see no point of view but my own. 
 To do what seemed my plain duty I was willing to sacrifice 
 myself in every way, but could not see that I (A) was now 
 causing as much anxiety to my family as I had previously 
 done as B; that I was sacrificing them also, or that my idea 
 of duty was entirely mistaken. A, it would seem, was the 
 emotional and idealistic part of my nature magnified a thou¬ 
 sand times. My emotions and ideals as A were not different 
 in kind from those of my normal self, but were so exaggerated 
 as to be morbid. 
 
 As A I was full of metaphysical doubts and fears, full of 
 scruples. I did not attend church because I felt that I could 
 no longer honestly say the Creed and the prayers. The 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 11 
 
 service had lost all meaning to me and so it seemed hypo¬ 
 critical to take part in it. I felt that I had utterly failed in 
 the performance of every duty, and tortured myself with the 
 remembrance of every act of omission and commission. I 
 accused myself of selfishness, neglect, in fact, of nearly all 
 the crimes in the calendar including, in an indirect way, that 
 of murder. My conversation was always of the most serious 
 character, — religion (I believed in nothing), life after death 
 (of which I found no hope), and I dwelt much upon the fact 
 that no one should be judged by their deeds alone, that no 
 one could tell what hidden motive had prompted any given 
 act. This was because I had (as B) done so many things 
 which (as A) I wholly disapproved of and felt might be mis¬ 
 understood. I did not understand them myself but knew 
 that my motive had been good. I was frightened, bewildered, 
 shocked, agonized — concentrated anguish and remorse. 
 During these weeks I suffered more than any one ought ever 
 to suffer for anything, and always, over and over in my mind 
 went the same old thoughts, — “ JVhy did I do as I did ? 
 How could I have done it ? Why did it seem right ? What 
 would my friends think if they knew ? I was mad! I was 
 not myself.” Finally I decided to end it all — I could not 
 live under such a weight of humiliation and self-reproach. I 
 am sure, Dr. Prince, that you must remember how impossible 
 it was to reason with me as A, for it was at this time and in 
 this state that I was sent to you. 
 
 Shortly after I came to you I began to alternate frequently 
 and it is well to emphasize that one marked change in the 
 state of A developed. In this state I now had complete 
 amnesia for my whole life as B; for everything I thought 
 and did.* In other respects, however, these states were 
 identical with what they had been. The presence of amnesia 
 
 *This came about in the following way: One day while A was in hypnosis 
 she suddenly and spontaneously changed to a different hypnotic state char¬ 
 acterized by change of facial expression, manner, speech, etc. It was after¬ 
 wards recognized that this was the B complex in hypnosis. I had not before 
 seen or heard of the B complex as such. I had only known that the subject 
 from her own account had been in a neurasthenic condition and had been 
 through periods of improvement and relapses. I did not suspect that these 
 phases of improvement and relapses represented phases of personality)such 
 
12 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 made no difference in the fact of change of personality. As 
 I see it I was just as much an altered personality before the 
 amnesia developed as afterward. As B, I had no amnesia. 
 I claimed not only as an alternating personality to remember 
 A, but to be always co-conscious with A and to remember my 
 co-conscious thoughts. As a co-consciousness, of course, I 
 (B) would know A. As stated above I have now no remem¬ 
 brance of that co-conscious life and cannot speak of it from 
 my own knowledge. Why my memory of B should not in¬ 
 clude that of her (my) co-conscious life, I must leave to you to 
 explain. 
 
 The amnesia made life very difficult; indeed, except for 
 the help you gave me I think it would have been impossible 
 and that I should have gone truly mad. How can I describe 
 or give any clear idea of what it is to wake suddenly, as it 
 were, and not to know the day of the week, the time of the 
 day, or why one is in any given position ? I would come to 
 myself as A, perhaps on the street, with no idea of where I 
 had been or where I was going; fortunate if I found myself 
 alone, for if I was carrying on a conversation I knew nothing 
 of what it had been; fortunate indeed, in that case, if I did not 
 contradict something I had said for, as B, my attitude toward 
 all things was quite the opposite of that taken by A. Often 
 it happened that I came to myself at some social gathering — 
 a dinner, perhaps — to find I had been taking wine (a thing 
 I, as A, felt bound not to do)* and what was to me most 
 shocking and horrifying, smoking a cigarette; never in my 
 life had I done such a thing and my humiliation was 
 deep and keen. 
 
 as was soon discovered to be the case. A few days after the B complex had 
 appeared in hypnosis this phase spontaneously waked and alternated, as it 
 had previously done, with the A complex. But now, as the writer says, 
 there was amnesia on the part of A for B. The explanation for this is un¬ 
 doubtedly to be found in the fact that a new synthesis and more complete 
 dissociation of the B complex had taken place through the experience of hyp¬ 
 nosis. Analogous phenomena I have observed in making experimental obser¬ 
 vations but it would take us too far away to enter into this question here.(Ed.) 
 
 * During the first weeks of my existence as B I had pledged myself 
 to drink no wine. The promise was made under such conditions that no 
 reasonable person could have felt bound by it. As B I realized this and felt 
 no obligation to keep it but as A, I could not feel so, though you had assured 
 me over and over again that I was not in honor bound. 
 
i3 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 I would often wake in the morning, as A, to find a note on 
 my pillow or on the table — usually of a jeering tone — 
 telling me to “cheer up,” to “ weep no more,” etc.; some¬ 
 times these notes would be in rhyme and nearly all advised 
 me not to trouble Dr. Prince so much.* These notes were 
 written by B when I “ changed ” in the night, but, as A, I 
 supposed, when I first found them, that I had written them 
 in my sleep. If my condition had been one of remorse it was 
 now one of despair. After a time, as A, I destroyed all the 
 notes I found without reading them, hoping in this way to 
 discourage B’s fondness for writing. As a result I found 
 one morning a sheet of paper pasted directly in the middle 
 of my mirror. It was fastened at each corner with large red 
 seals and bore the inscription “ READ THIS ” and con¬ 
 tained information which it was quite necessary A should 
 have. As B my attitude toward myself as A was something 
 like that of a gay, irresponsible, pleasure-loving girl toward 
 an older, more serious-minded sister. I, as B, had no pa¬ 
 tience with A’s scruples and morbid ideas and actually en¬ 
 joyed doing things which I knew would shock or annoy my¬ 
 self as A, though occasionally as B, I felt a little sorry for A. 
 It must be remembered that while I, as A, recognized no 
 division of personality and considered B’s acts (of which it 
 must be kept in mind I had no memory) as my own, I, as B, 
 did not look upon A as any part of myself. As B, I felt my¬ 
 self to be a distinct personality and insisted upon it to you 
 over and over again. I realized that I was not normal but 
 thought that A was not normal either. I believed that my 
 own views were more correct than A’s and were entitled to 
 as much consideration and could never understand why 
 you should prefer to keep A in existence rather than B. I 
 felt that with the restoration of the normal self I could not 
 “come” as an alternating personality but I believed that I 
 should always be co-conscious. As B, I felt very grateful 
 to you for treating me as if I were a “ real ” person and allow¬ 
 ing me to express my own personality. With every one else 
 I had to pretend to be A, and my feeling of gratitude and the 
 fact that you asked for my co-operation — put me on my 
 
 *Some notes were of a different kind and you have told me that they 
 were wiitten in nocturnal somnambulism. 
 
H 
 
 Afy Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 honor as it were — was the underlying motive in telling you 
 so much of A’s inner life. I, as B, thought A was very silly 
 not to tell you all the things which were troubling her — as 
 was indeed true — and it seemed to me (B) a great joke on 
 A to get up in the night and write you a long letter telling A’s 
 most secret thoughts and perhaps inclosing something I, as 
 
 A, had written but had not really intended to send you. It 
 is true that, as B, I was perfectly willing to tell you things 
 which, as A, I would rather have died than disclose. Would 
 this not seem to show that even when a personality becomes 
 disintegrated the real self, the ego, remains unchanged and, 
 in a way, governs the whole, even if imperfectly ? Even as 
 
 B, feeling sure that the integration of the whole self meant 
 my own extinction, I still, for the most part, gave my help 
 toward that end. 
 
 As B, I was very extravagant and spent money in a most 
 lavish way, buying things which, as A, I felt I could not 
 afford, for though A was not, like the famous Mrs. Gilpin, 
 “ upon pleasure bent ” she did have “ a frugal mind.” 
 Being, as B, very fond of all sorts of gayety, I constantly made 
 engagements which, as A, who had no heart for social pleas¬ 
 ures, I did not care to keep; I constantly encouraged visitors 
 whom, as A, I did not care to receive; a volume could be 
 filled with the troubles of this ill-assorted pair of mes, some 
 of which were tragic and some very funny. 
 
 As A, I was all emotion as regards people, but I never felt 
 anger nor resentment. In this and other respects the change 
 from what I was before the first shock was marked. I had 
 become absurdly grateful for every attention shown me 
 though I felt myself separated from all my relatives and 
 friends by the, as I considered it, strange experience I had 
 had. It seemed to me as if my heart were frozen and that an 
 invisible barrier was between me and every one else and that 
 I did not love my family as I had formerly done; it seemed 
 to me that I felt nothing; but at the same time I was racked 
 by the agony of the thought. Any tale of sorrow, suffering, 
 or sin stirred me to the depths, but I experienced no sensation 
 of pleasure or happiness. The out door world was unreal 
 to me. I realized that it was beautiful; that the trees were 
 green and stately, that the sky was blue, the wind soft, the 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 15 
 
 water smiling; but I saw it only with my eyes and to feel 
 beauty one must see it with the soul also. I felt myself no 
 part of it, — I was in the world but not of it. 
 
 As B, I felt no emotion except that of pleasure, using the 
 word pleasure as meaning a “ good time,”— social gayety, 
 driving, motoring, walking, boating, etc., but my enjoyment 
 of these things was very keen. As B, I was always the gayest 
 of the company, but for people I cared nothing. The little 
 acts of affection which we all perform in daily home life I 
 never thought of. The habit of shaking hands with one’s 
 friends, kissing or embracing those nearer and dearer had no 
 meaning to me. Ordinarily, I think, when one shakes hands 
 with a friend one feels the individuality of the person, more 
 or less, and the clasp of hands means something, but as B 
 it meant no more to me than clasping a piece of wood, and the 
 acts of shaking hands, embracing, or kissing were all alike — 
 it made no difference to me which I did — one meant just as 
 much as the other. This lack of feeling applied only to 
 people,for I loved the outside world; the trees, the water, the 
 sky, and the wind seemed to be a very part of myself. The 
 emotions by which, as A, I was torn to shreds, as B, I did 
 not feel at all. 
 
 My taste in reading differed greatly in the two states. As 
 B my reading consisted largely of the magazines and short 
 stories, though after becoming interested in the study of 
 psychology I enjoyed reading on the subject as much as A 
 did. Aside from that one subject, however, I preferred the 
 lighter reading and, curiously enough, I liked to read stories 
 which portrayed the very emotions which I never felt, 
 Kipling fascinated me. As A, I read Victor Hugo, Ibsen. 
 Tolstoi, Maeterlinck, a great deal of poetry, the “Rubaiyat ” 
 of Omar Khayam until I knew it by heart and anything that 
 touched upon the deeper problems of life. 
 
 In matters of dress and social pleasures A and B were 
 diametrically opposed. At the time of the dissociation of 
 character I was wearing mourning, but black was distasteful 
 to me as B, and so far as was possible, I wore white — not 
 even a black belt or buckle would I put on. This fact was 
 far more strange than it seems, and caused much friction, for 
 B’s manner of carrying out her ideas was, under the circum- 
 
16 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 stances, eccentric, to say the least, and as A it offended my 
 sense of propriety and my pride. As A, I cared almost 
 nothing for social pleasures, dress, etc., though my tastes in 
 such matters did not materially change, but life was much too 
 serious and painful to think of such frivolities; I went to the 
 theater and places of amusement because you said I must, 
 not because I cared to. 
 
 B usually kept A’s engagements unless they conflicted too 
 much with her own wishes, and she kept A informed as to 
 what had happened or was to happen, by notes, unless the 
 changes of personality were too .rapid. The diary, which 
 has, at your suggestion, been kept, was also of great service 
 in keeping A informed as to the course of events. I will copy 
 a few extracts from this diary, as it gives a very good idea of 
 the different moods and points of view. 
 
 Under the date July 23, 190—, B writes: “ I am here 
 again to-night, B, I am. I may as well tell all I have done, I 
 suppose. For one thing I had a facial massage — there is 
 no need of being a mass of wrinkles. I know A doesn’t care 
 how she looks, but I do. The Q’s spent the evening here and 
 
 — if I don’t tell, S will, I suppose — I smoked a cigarette. 
 S was terribly shocked and angry with me. Now, A, don’t 
 go and tell Dr. Prince, you don’t have to tell him everything, 
 
 — you do it, though. I must have a little fun.” The follow¬ 
 ing day A writes: “ I have struggled through another day. 
 B has told what she did. How can I bear it ? How explain ? 
 I am so humiliated, so ashamed. Why should I do things 
 which so mortify my pride ? Quite ill all day,— I am, as 
 usual, paying for B’s ‘ fun.’ It is not to be borne.” August 
 20, “ Terrible day — one of the worst for a long time. I 
 cannot live this way, it is not to be expected. I am so con¬ 
 fused — I have lost so much time now that I can’t seem to 
 catch up. What is the end to be ? What will become of 
 me?” August 21, B writes: “Good gracious! how we 
 fly around. A has been ill all day — could not sleep last 
 night. I hope he (Dr. Prince) won’t send for us for he will 
 put a quietus on me, and as things are now I am gaining on A. 
 Had a gay evening — no discussions of religion or psychology, 
 no dissecting of hearts and souls while I am in the flesh.” 
 August 25, “ I wonder if A is really dead — for good and 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 17 
 
 all ? It seems like it. The thought rather frightens me 
 someway, as if I had lost my balance-wheel. She wants to 
 die, she really does, for she thinks it to herself all the time, 
 I wish I were myself alone, and neither A nor B; I cannot 
 bear to hear A groan, she cannot bear my glee.” August 
 26, “Such a day! A got away from me for a little while and 
 tried to write a letter to Dr. Prince. It was a funny looking 
 letter for I kept saying to her ‘ you cannot write, you cannot 
 move your hand ’ but she had enough will power to write 
 some and directed it. The effort used her up, however, and 
 I came and the letter was not mailed.” August 27, A 
 writes: “I am too much bewildered to write. I have suc¬ 
 ceeded in writing Dr. Prince, if I can only mail it. Oh, but 
 I am tired! Such an awful struggle!” 
 
 To show how strangely the physical condition changed as 
 I alternated between A and B: September—, “A was used 
 up and had to stay in bed all the morning but I came about 
 one o’clock and Mrs. X asked me to motor down to Z. Had 
 a gorgeous ride and got home at seven nearly famished, for 
 A had eaten nothing all day — she lives on coffee and somnos 
 — nice combination — steak and French fried, for mine, 
 please. Y was delighted with the cigarette case; you must 
 grin and bear it, A.” As B, I had given a cigarette case as 
 a birthday gift to a young relative to whose smoking A seri¬ 
 ously objected. November — , “What a day! Now you see 
 it and now you don’t — A ill, B well — first one and then 
 the other. I got ready to go to the dentist — then A came; 
 and her head ached and she was too ill to go. Then I came 
 again and practised — etc.” I remember this day distinctly. 
 As A, I could not sit up, my head ached so badly. Then 1 
 would lose myself, that is, change to B, and feel perfectly 
 welland go on with the work in hand. Changing to A again, 
 with amnesia for the time I had been B, I would feel very ill 
 and have to lie down. I think I changed from one state to 
 the other at least half a dozen times and A’s day was one of 
 suffering and B’s day one of health and activity. Again B 
 writes: “I am really thinking seriously of going away. I am 
 sure I could get along all right by myself. Dr. Prince says 
 I am a ‘ psychological impossibility ’ (absurd), I am a psy¬ 
 chological fact — more real than A. I could easily go away 
 
18 My Li fe as a Dissociated. Personality 
 
 — Dr. P. could not help it.” As A, I was stricken with 
 terror by an entry like the above for I knew that as B, I 
 could carry out my threat if I chose. November—/‘Well, 
 once more I am permitted to write in this old diary.— After 
 we got home C went to pieces. I never saw such a lot!— 
 and then poor old A came, again anguish, wringing of hands, 
 finally tears, then, thank goodness! I came myself. I 
 cannot see why Dr. Prince would rather have that emotional, 
 hysterical set than to have me! It passes comprehension. 
 I know everything, always, and they only know a few things 
 for a few minutes.” 
 
 This gives an idea of A’s point of view: August, 190—, 
 “Ill again — headache all day — these memories rack me. 
 O, why, why, why did I ever feel and do as I did feel and do! 
 -— and it all seemed so right to me, so impossible to do any¬ 
 thing else. I cannot understand where my commonsense 
 was — it is so incredible. I can’t believe sometimes that it 
 is not all a frightful dream — if I could wake and find it so! 
 
 — the irony, the cruelty of it. Time is an ‘ arch satirist ’ 
 indeed! He is having a little joke with me. There is one 
 way to end it — how long before I avail myself of it ? How 
 much must I suffer?” B feels quite differently: “I could 
 have the loveliest time in the world if A would stay away 
 long enough. There are lots of things to do and I am going 
 to do some of them if I have half a chance. ‘ A short life and 
 a merry one ’ shall be my motto.” 
 
 This diary was kept for about a year and is a most curious 
 document. Both as A and as B I often wrote at length my 
 own theories and explanations of my case. Sometimes when 
 I was writing as A, co-conscious B would take control of my 
 hand and I would write, automatically, most decided objec¬ 
 tions to the ideas I had just expressed. 
 
 I hesitate to write of the times when I was influenced by 
 co-conscious B for I have no memory of the co-conscious 
 process. I remember, in the alternating state of B, telling 
 you that I could when co-conscious control A by willing, 
 but of that “ willing ” as a process I have no knowledge. 
 But, as a fact, on numerous occasions I was prevented 
 from doing something I wished to do, or made, in some 
 mysterious way, to do something I objected to. Afterwards as 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 19 
 
 B, I claimed, as I remember well, to have co-consciously influ¬ 
 enced my other self by willing. I will give one instance of 
 the effect on A of this co-conscious willing. As A, I felt it my 
 duty to go often to the cemetery to which, as B, I objected. 
 In fact, B said she would not go there nor allow A to do so. 
 A writes in the diary as follows: “Another queer thing hap¬ 
 pened to-day. I have not been to the cemetery for a long 
 time so started to go there. I had gone only a little way when 
 I began to feel that I could not go on. I do not mean that 
 I did not wish to but that I could not easily move my feet in 
 that direction. It was as if some physical force was restraining 
 me, or like walking against a heavy wind. I kept on, however, 
 and finally reached the entrance, but further I found it im¬ 
 possible to go— -I was held — could not move my feet one 
 inch in that direction. I set my will and said to myself, I 
 will go, I can go and I will, but I could not do it. I began to 
 feel very tired — exhausted —- and turned back. As soon 
 as I turned away I had no trouble in walking but I was very 
 tired.” 
 
 I do not think I can make the living of such a life at all 
 clear to those who know nothing of such conditions. It 
 would seem impossible for one to get on at all and it was at 
 once more, and less, difficult than could be imagined. The 
 social situation was often most complicated; the nervous 
 strain was intense; the anguish of mind frightful; but, as B, 
 I had no amnesia; as A, I stayed very closely at home, was 
 very intuitive and one grows extraordinarily quick in guess¬ 
 ing; it works wonders to look intelligent and say nothing, 
 particularly when no one suspects such a condition, for if 
 one seems forgetful or absent-minded, the last explanation 
 to suggest itself to one’s friends would be “change of per¬ 
 sonality.” 
 
 It all seems very strange to me now that I have become 
 myself with all these memories. I feel quite differently 
 about everything. The memory of those months of B’s 
 existence seems like the memory of a delirium. I feel, in a 
 way, no responsibility for what, as B, I did. I remember 
 those acts as my own; I deplore many of them; I cannot 
 understand why they gave me pleasure for they would give 
 me none now; I am sorry about them just as I would regret 
 
20 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 having, in the delirium of fever, done something which I 
 would not in my right mind do, but I do not feel so humili¬ 
 ated, so ashamed of them as I did as A; they are so foreign 
 to anything I would naturally do that they seem to be their 
 own excuse. If, as A, I could ever have realized that B was 
 only an illness, I should have been spared untold mental 
 agony. But, as A, remembering as I did in the first part of 
 my illness all my neglect of my friends and family, my in¬ 
 difference to their anxiety about me, the pain I caused them, 
 and the many unconventional things I had done, I could not 
 excuse or forgive myself; and never, as long as the state A 
 remained did I cease to be terrified and ashamed by the state 
 B. I thought there must be something fundamentally 
 wrong in my nature; that if any one knew the things I, as B, 
 had done, I should be forever disgraced. Everything I did 
 as B, I, as A, disapproved of. The things that gave me pleas¬ 
 ure as B, caused me, as A, the bitterest mortification. As A, 
 I condemned myself as B, utterly without mercy, and I 
 suffered intensely. 
 
 I have said that I remember both A and B as myself and 
 that is true, but there is a certain difference in my memory of 
 B which I cannot quite describe. I do not understand my¬ 
 self as B. It seems like a delirium. A seems somewhat 
 like a delirious state also, perhaps dazed would be a better 
 word, but I understand why I felt as A did. A seems ex¬ 
 actly like myself in an absurdly morbid, emotional, and un¬ 
 reasonable condition, but B seems foreign, though I was 
 naturally of a gay and light-hearted disposition. 
 
 I could have lived my life, after a fashion, in either one of 
 these states had either one been stable enough to maintain 
 itself without changing. Apparently my mental powers 
 underwent no great change, but now that I am myself I can 
 see that in neither state was I capable of forming a well- 
 balanced judgment. As A, I could see only one side of a 
 subject. I could not compare, adjust, and shift my point of 
 view nor look at anything in an impersonal way. Perhaps 
 such a state would explain the fanatics and faddists who hold 
 so tenaciously to their illogical ideas and who go to such ex¬ 
 tremes in carrying them out. 
 
 As B, I should have been in trouble all the time over money 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 21 
 
 matters and the pleasure of the moment would have de¬ 
 termined my course of action regardless of consequences. I 
 should probably have lost all my friends, also, as I felt no 
 affection for any one and was bound by no conventions. As 
 A, I should have been in trouble all the time over everything 
 on account of scruples, doubts, and fears, etc. 
 
 A and B are a good illustration of the psychological law, 
 which you yourself have cited, that “ States of Pleasure are 
 concomitant with an increase, and states of Pain with a de¬ 
 crease of the vital functions.” If I may so express it, A was 
 a state of pain and B was a state of pleasure and their phys¬ 
 ical and psychical conditions corresponded. As A, my psy¬ 
 chical state was one of depression, hopelessness and despair, 
 and my physical condition was one of neurasthenia. As B, 
 my psychical state was of exaltation and happiness and the 
 physical condition was one of vigor and ambition. When 
 these conditions and relations are better understood by all 
 physicians there will perhaps be hope even for the poor 
 ‘ ‘neurasthenic.” 
 
 Should this article be read by any but those who have 
 some knowledge of such conditions I am afraid they will say, 
 “ she was crazy,” but I was not and never have been 
 for one moment insane, though as A I used to fear I might 
 be. During all this time I lived my life to all appearances 
 like any ordinary person. I directed the daily routine of my 
 household, took entire charge of extensive repairs to my 
 house, and managed my business affairs to a large extent. 
 These things were done perhaps in a somewhat erratic manner, 
 because as B, I neglected them if possible, and this made 
 it doubly hard for me as A, but not one of my family or friends 
 suspected the tiue state of the case. I believe they all real¬ 
 ized that I was in a serious nervous condition, very change¬ 
 able as to mood, and felt much anxiety about my health but 
 that was all. 
 
 I have not spoken of my recovery in the restoration of my 
 normal self as “ C.” As to how this was accomplished I 
 know nothing except what I have been told which is very 
 little. Everything was done through hypnosis and I have 
 no memory of what occurred. I only know that I went to 
 you one day in a more than usually disintegrated state; that 
 
22 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 I was hypnotized and that I woke up myself with a feeling 
 of strength and self poise to which I had long been a stranger. 
 There were no blanks in my memory — I remembered every¬ 
 thing. This had been partially accomplished before but the 
 resulting state had not been stable and it would involve too 
 wide a digression to explain it. Every improvement in my 
 condition has been made by the use of hypnotism. I have 
 complete amnesia for my hypnotic states but the results ob¬ 
 tained I can speak of with conviction. Over and over again 
 I have gone to you, as A, feeling utterly discouraged and hope¬ 
 less; worn with insomnia and aching from head to foot from 
 nothing but mental strain; so fatigued that the slightest ex¬ 
 ertion was an effort. I have, in this condition, been hypno¬ 
 tized and when I woke a change so complete had taken place 
 as to be little short of miraculous. The depressing emotions 
 had disappeared and were replaced by a feeling of courage 
 and ability to endure the trials of my life; the sense of physi¬ 
 cal and mental fatigue had given place to a sensation of 
 lightness and well-being; the aches and pains were gone. 
 I have then returned to my home comparatively happy, had 
 a good night’s rest and borne the strain of my peculiarly try¬ 
 ing life for a longer or shorter period, as the case might be, 
 with some degree of fortitude. This was the change which 
 could be wrought by suggestion in hypnosis in the state 
 called A, for I am speaking of the earlier part of my illness 
 before a synthesis of memories had been effected and A was 
 the personality most in evidence. The same statement, how¬ 
 ever, holds good for the unstable state above referred to when 
 my memory was approximately complete but when I was 
 easily disintegrated by any emotional strain or physical 
 fatigue. Even now, being my normal self, I wake from 
 hypnosis with a marked increase in my feeling of strength, 
 stability, and ambition. As I have stated, I have never been 
 in vigorous health (excepting during the time of my existence 
 as B) and have suffered all my life from so-called nervous 
 headache. For this trouble I have been treated by a number 
 of physicians and I have no doubt that I have taken every 
 known drug for headache, but nothing has ever given me 
 such prolonged relief as therapeutic suggestion in hypnosis, 
 and my health is better now than for a number of years. 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 2 3 
 
 I realize the inadequacy of this description, Dr. Prince; 
 it needs a mind trained to such study to do the subject justice 
 and I cannot find the words to make the distinction between 
 the two personalities as sharp as it really was. Moreover, 
 I have touched only upon the lighter side of the case. The 
 many deep experiences, some of them so bitter to remember 
 and some of which have caused me lasting sorrow I cannot 
 bring myself to relate and “the half has not been told.” 
 Few, I hope, have ever had or ever will have such an expe¬ 
 rience as mine. It seems to me, however, that similar con¬ 
 ditions must often prevail when they are not recognized, or, 
 if recognized, are but vaguely understood; there is little 
 knowledge of the necessary treatment and the case is con¬ 
 sidered hopeless. As I have recovered, so may others simi¬ 
 larly afflicted, and it is for this reason, and with the hope that a 
 more general knowledge of the phenomena exhibited may be 
 of some value in the treatment of such disorders, that I am 
 willing to have the facts published. If it does serve that end 
 I shall feel it some compensation for the suffering and tur¬ 
 moil of the past few years. 
 
PART II 
 
 An Introspective Analysis of Co-Conscious Life 
 
 BY A PERSONALITY (B) CLAIMING TO BE CO-CONSCIOUS 
 
 [Prefatory Note: Part I, which appeared in the Oct.-Nov. 
 number of the Journal, entitled, “My Life as a Dissociated Per¬ 
 sonality,” gave an account of the different phases of multiple person¬ 
 ality as they appeared to the subject after restoration to health. The 
 account which is here presented was written by the same subject in 
 one of her states of dissociated personality known as B, and gives the 
 point of view of the subject in this condition. This pe rsona lity, it 
 will be remembered, ;dthough-aja-altef«atiflg-personality, claims also 
 to be c o-eonscinus with rh e-rtf- her ph a-s o s-uf personality. including both 
 the dissociated state A and the integrated normal -state CL-and to 
 have a stream of mental life contemporaneous with tire stream of the 
 main pe rson al consciou s ness of e ither state. (Objective evidence for 
 this claim has in part been presented in two previous articles, one en¬ 
 titled “ Experiments to Determine Co-Conscious (Subconscious) 
 Ideation,” by the Editor, and one on “ Experiments in Psycho- 
 Galvanic Reactions from Co-Conscious (Subconscious) Ideas in a 
 Case of Multiple Personality,” by Dr. Frederick Peterson and 
 the Editor. These appeared in The Journal of Abnormal 
 Psychology for April-May,i9o8, and June-July, 1908, respectively.) 
 
 This second account derives its chief interest from the 
 fact that it is an introspective analysis of co-conscious life made 
 by a person who remembers, as she claims, this life. It is not, 
 therefore, an interpretation of objective facts, as must be any 
 conclusions drawn from co-conscious phenomena, like automatic 
 writing and hysterical automatism, but the remembered conscious 
 experiences of the person herself. In this respect it is a record of 
 conscious processes similar to that which any one might give by 
 introspective analysis of his own thoughts. 
 
 Not the least interesting part of the analysis is the genesis of 
 the co-conscious stream which the writer traces to a complex (B) 
 which had previously existed for a long period as a phase of her 
 character but without wnawareness for the same, and which con¬ 
 tinued without interruption after unawareness had developed, and 
 
 24 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 2 5 
 
 thereby became independent and co-conscious by definition although 
 it had really existed before. This complex, however, as will be seen, 
 is not the whole of the co-conscious life, which also embraces a syn¬ 
 thesis of perceptions of which the subject is not aware. The rela¬ 
 tions of this co-conscious stream to the personal consciousness, its 
 influences upon the latter, etc., are also described as they appear to 
 the writer. The only aid given the writer in the preparation of this 
 account was to indicate some of the various points upon which it 
 seemed desirable to have such introspective testimony, such as “ The 
 Content of Co-Consciousness,” “ Sepaiateness of Co-Consciousness,” 
 etc. These are given as headlines and have largely determined the 
 form of the account. (The first headline, “ Genesis of Dissociation,” 
 was inserted by myself after the account was written). Every care 
 has been taken not to influence the writer in her introspective observa¬ 
 tions. The rough draft, however, was criticized, some statements 
 were challenged as interpretations, and the writer made to defend her 
 statements as far as possible and make explicit what seemed too gen¬ 
 eral or vague, or not clear, and to distinguish between fact and inter¬ 
 pretation. I feel positive, however, so far as any one can feel positive 
 in such matters, that the introspective observations have not been in¬ 
 fluenced in any way, as the main object was to obtain an uninflu¬ 
 enced account free from artifact. 
 
 While it is difficult to accept as fact such an extensive and 
 continuous co-conscious life, the only alternative explanation is 
 more difficult of credence. The truthfulness of the writer is beyond 
 question. There remains, then, only the hypothesis that all the 
 memories of this life are dream-like fabrications and hallucinations. 
 It is difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile this interpretation with 
 numerous facts; among them, that in numerous instances it could 
 be proved that the claimed memories of B (not possessed by C) 
 have corresponded accurately with the facts of the environment,* 
 even when the subject, in one instance, was dreaming and “ walking 
 in her sleep ” (somnambulism); that they included the contents of 
 automatic writings, of which the subject was unaware, and various 
 other peculiarities; that the personality is otherwise a cleat-headed, 
 intelligent person capable of close reasoning, and is not subject to 
 fabrications of memory of any other sort; that the memories were 
 definite, precise, logical, and could not be broken down under 
 cross-examination, etc. These memories certainly do not resemble 
 
 *Some of these data will be found in the article on the unconscious in 
 this number. 
 
26 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 fabrications as manifested in certain well-known cases (e.g. those 
 of Flournoy, Hyslop, Angel, and others). 
 
 The facts pertaining to the memories of co-conscious life were 
 narrated to me, in the course of my study of the case, by B before 
 the subject had begun the study of the literature, and when, there¬ 
 fore, she was ignorant of the theories of the subconscious, multiple 
 personalities, etc. 
 
 It is interesting to note that the introspective observations of 
 B agree in principle with those in the account given by the co- 
 conscious personality in the case of Miss Beauchamp. It is also 
 in harmony with the objective facts observed in numerous pathologi¬ 
 cal cases, like that of Miss Winsor, and in artificial dissociations of 
 which the phenomena of automatic writing are examples. Whatever 
 interpretation be put upon such an account, the importance of having 
 an introspective analysis of this kind cannot be questioned. 
 
 One other point needs to be explained. Personality C spoken 
 of in this account is not wholly the same personality as that which 
 wrote the account in the last number of the Journal referred to 
 above. To avoid confusion in the reader’s mind I have not hitherto 
 explained that, in the attempt to reintegrate the various dissociated 
 states, a personality was first obtained and labelled C, which was not 
 absolutely normal nor a complete integration. It was nearly so, 
 however, but was unstable and varied in certain details, which 
 would be confusing to go into here, from the final integrated normal 
 personality C, who wrote the first account. Later this completely 
 integrated and stable personality was obtained. The writer, B. 
 claims to have the same co-conscious life with this apparently normal 
 stable personality, only she has not the power to influence her, and 
 therefore cannot “ come ” voluntarily. She can, however, perform 
 automatic writing (as many normal persons can), and thus give 
 evidence of a co-conscious existence. Through hypnosis, too, 
 the alternating state B can be obtained. Afterward the normal 
 C becomes integrated again and retains memories of this state as 
 explained in her account. 
 
 Some of the phrases were italicized by myself to make the 
 points of the writer clearer. 
 
 The writer desires it to be known that an opportunity was not 
 allowed her to polish the style and give it a literary finish. An 
 attempt was made by her only to weigh and note the facts as 
 accurately as possible. 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 27 
 
 A complete experimental account of this case has been reserved 
 for future publication. 
 
 The Editor.] 
 
 [Prefatory note by Dr. J. J. Putnam and Dr. George A. Water¬ 
 man: The undersigned, having had the privilege of seeing, on several 
 occasions, the writer of the following article, and of witnessing the 
 remarkable transformations of personality which Dr. Prince has 
 learned to bring about in her at will, desire to add to the very inter¬ 
 esting story which she tells a few words of endorsement and appre¬ 
 ciation. 
 
 In the first place we are convinced that the patient is a truthful 
 witness, a conscientious observer, an intelligent and right-minded 
 person. In the next place, we believe that what she describes as 
 memories were memories and not vaporings or fabrications. The 
 facts which she gave to us, as “ State B,” are faithfully transcribed 
 in this account. As she told them she made on us the impression 
 of a person narrating her experiences and ready to be cross-ques¬ 
 tioned on them. Furtheimore, a number of her statements were 
 susceptible of verification and were verified by us. 
 
 James J. Putnam, M.D. 
 George A. Waterman, M.D.] 
 
 I HAVE been asked to write an account of my alternating 
 and my co-conscious life, and I have endeavored in 
 the following pages to present the facts as they seem to 
 me, but the task has been an extremely difficult one. 
 The whole paper is, of course, retrospective and introspec¬ 
 tive, and it has been quite impossible at times to draw sharp 
 lines of demarcation between the personalities. No doubt 
 I may have read into the facts somewhat, and no doubt 
 my account may be colored more or less by my present 
 knowledge of abnormal psychology, for I have read a good 
 deal of the literature and informed myself on the subject 
 as much as possible. Had I not done so I could not have 
 written this account at all in any intelligible language — I 
 should have no vocabulary in which to express myself. I 
 find great difficulty now in making my meaning at all clear, 
 for I have no words subtle enough. For example: I am in 
 great need of a word that will express something in C’s 
 
28 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 mind that is between a picture and a thought, and should be 
 much obliged to any one who will supply it. I find myself 
 in much the same position as a stranger in a foreign land — 
 my words do not convey my meaning. Moreover, this 
 paper has been written largely at odd times and at long 
 intervals, and, consequentlv, is more or less disconnected. 
 The main facts, however, of memory, though possibly the 
 description of them may be tinged by what I have read, are, 
 I am sure, absolutely correct. I suppose everybody’s de¬ 
 scription of a fact is more or less colored by his general 
 knowledge. The condition of the mind has been constantly 
 changing, and what was true of A’s mind was not true of 
 the C first obtained, and the mind of the wholly integrated 
 C is different from either of the other two; so my task, as I 
 said, has been beset with many difficulties. 
 
 I have referred to the different personalities as A, B, 
 and C, and in describing the system of ideas out of which, it 
 seems to me, I developed, I have used the term “ the B com¬ 
 plex.” The reader must not confuse the B complex with the 
 B personality. The B complex was made up of floating 
 thoughts, impulses, desires, inclinations, of which A was 
 quite aware, but which had been for years suppressed; or, 
 at least, she had been endeavoring to suppress them. It 
 seems to me that the B personality (myself) grew out of 
 this group of ideas, for in my character as a personality are 
 all the ideas of the B complex. The two are distinct in 
 the same sense that the seed is distinct from the flower, if 
 I may be allowed to use metaphor. The B complex seems to 
 me to be the seed from which I, the B personality, developed. 
 I say that the B complex and the B personality are distinct, 
 yet in referring to the B complex I find myself continually 
 saying “ I ”; it is difficult not to do so. This, I think, must 
 show the intimate relation between the two. I think of the 
 B complex and I find I think of it as myself, although I do 
 not think of A and C as myself, and they do not seem to 
 be my own personality. You may say that I am C trans¬ 
 formed, if you choose, but a thing transformed is not the 
 same. I am, at any rate, a distinct personality. 
 
 GENESIS OF DISSOCIATION 
 
 A very long time ago C received an emotional shock 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 29 
 
 which it seems to me, as I look at it now, resulted in the 
 first little cleavage of personality. This emotion was one of 
 fright and led to rebellion against the conditions of her life, 
 and formed a small vague complex which persisted in the 
 sense that it recurred from time to time, though it was always 
 immediately suppressed. This complex, it seems to me, 
 was the same, though only slightly developed, as that which 
 appeared later and is described as complex B. (See below 
 second period.) In trying to explain this condition, which 
 it seems to me was the first starting of what ultimately re¬ 
 sulted in a division of personality, I will divide the time 
 into periods and I will call this period I. 
 
 Twenty years later she received a great shock in the 
 sudden illness of her husband. The events of this period 
 I call period II. This illness was of such a nature that 
 C knew no complete recovery was possible, and that death 
 might result at any time. T his second shock aroused the 
 same emotions of fright and rebellion, and seemed to revive 
 and intensify the old complex. Then came the nervous 
 strain of sorrow, anxiety, care, and the inability to reconcile 
 herself to the inevitable. This nervous strain continued 
 for four years. C’s life during this time was given up en¬ 
 tirely to the care of her husband; she tried to live up to her 
 ideal —which was a high one — of duty and responsibility, 
 and always having the sense of failure, discouragement, and 
 apprehension. That old complex of rebellious thoughts, 
 revived for the second time by the shock I have spoken of, 
 became intensified and more persistent during the four 
 years following. It was a rebellion, a longing for happiness, 
 a disinclination to give up the pleasures of life which the 
 conditions required; and there was a certain determination 
 to have those pleasures in spite of everything, and this 
 resulted in a constant struggle between C and this complex. 
 For the sake of clearness I shall call this the B complex, for, 
 as I have stated, it seems to me that it later developed into 
 the co-conscious and alternating personality, B, myself. 
 C was conscious of these thoughts, but they represented to 
 her the selfish and weak part of her nature and she tried to 
 suppress them; tried to put them out of her mind but they 
 
3o 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 still persisted, and she was always to a greater or less extent 
 aware of them. There was no lack of awareness and no 
 amnesia. As the months and years went on the sorrow and 
 anxiety of the C group increased, and the conflicting and 
 rebellion of the B group increased. C was ashamed of the 
 latter and always tried to suppress such thoughts as they 
 arose. If during those years anything happy had come to 
 C the formation of this rebellious complex would, I believe, 
 have been retarded, perhaps stopped altogether, but nothing 
 pleasant happened; it was all grief, and everything went 
 wrong. This B complex, it seems to me, as I have above 
 stated, was the evolution of that which in the form of re¬ 
 bellious thoughts developed in period I. 
 
 Finally her husband died away from home, and that 
 was, to C, the one thing she had felt she could not bear. 
 She did not recover from the shock and became more and 
 more nervous, was very much depressed, easily fatigued, 
 suffered constantly from headache, and was possessed by 
 all sorts of doubts and fears, reproaching herself for things 
 done and undone. She also overtaxed her strength in 
 attending to business matters. As she grew more and more 
 neurasthenic, it seems to me as I look back upon it, the 
 B complex grew stronger and more dominant, and with this 
 increase of strength of this complex, C began to live a life 
 corresponding to the impulses belonging to it — staying 
 out of doors entirely — and then there followed much im¬ 
 provement in her health. She took long rides on the electric 
 cars, which she had always previously disliked intensely; 
 she had always been very much afraid of a canoe, but now 
 she went canoeing often and enjoyed it. She was surprised 
 and astonished that she should enjoy these things, as it was 
 foreign to her natural and previous ideas and inclinations. 
 There was no change of character, properly speaking, but 
 she did things she disapproved of and knew at the time 
 that she disapproved of them. There was a recognition that 
 she was doing things she would not previously have done, 
 and she protested to herself, but even this half-protest was 
 suppressed. She would say to herself, “ Why am I doing 
 these things ? I never cared for them before. Why should 
 I care for them now ? ” The old doubts and fears were at 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 31 
 
 this time out of mind. The personality was C, but influenced 
 and dominated by the B complex of which, of course, she 
 was perfectly aware. It seems to me that the ideas of the 
 C complex and the ideas of the B complex occurred con¬ 
 currently and simultaneously, so that it could be said that one 
 was co-conscious with the other. This is the way it seems 
 to me, but I find it impossible to state positively from re¬ 
 trospection that the two complexes were not rapid oscilla¬ 
 tions or alternations from instant to instant. 
 
 At this time there came to C a third shock of a strongly 
 emotional nature, giving rise to events which I call period III. 
 It brought to her the realization of a fact of which she had 
 been unconscious; she had never thought of the possibility 
 of such a thing and she was startled, frightened, angry, all 
 in a flash — and I was there. James, in explaining “ Sud¬ 
 den Religious Conversion,” speaks of a “ flowering of the 
 subconscious,”—well, I “flowered,” and C disappeared 
 somewhere; the B complex had become a personality and I 
 lived a life of my own choosing.* How slowly this complex 
 gathered form in this case may be seen from the fact that 
 it was five years from the time of the beginning of her hus¬ 
 band’s illness before I came as a personality. 
 
 Now, when I came as a personality, I felt much younger 
 than C; my ideas of what constituted pleasure were more 
 like those of a girl of twenty — as C was when she received 
 the first shock (period I). But in character, points of 
 view, tastes, emotions, in everything that goes to make up 
 personality I was quite different from anything C had ever 
 been; also in health. I was strong and vigorous, taking long 
 walks and feeling no fatigue. I was also very happy. Life 
 seemed so good to me; everything was so beautiful; the out¬ 
 door world looked to me as it does to one who has been for 
 months shut in through illness. I loved the trees, the sky, 
 and the wind; but I did not love people. I felt no care or 
 responsibility — that is why I was so happy. I remained 
 the only personality for about one month, when there came 
 
 *That is, the remainder of the C complex subsided into the “ uncon¬ 
 scious,” where, of course, its experiences were conserved. They could be 
 recalled as a memory by B. As a system of ideas the B complex had been 
 “ flowering ” for five years. (Ed.) 
 
3 2 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 the fourth emotional shock, producing period IV. It was I, 
 
 B, who received this shock and it brought back C as the 
 dominant personality but in a somewhat changed condition. 
 Her mental perturbation was greater, she was more in¬ 
 tensely nervous, full of doubts and fears and misgivings. 
 This state is one which we have called A, for the sake of 
 clearness, and will be presently described. As to myself 
 I still continued, in a sense, as the B complex in the same 
 way as during the time when C lived the life which was in 
 accordance with my nature and opposed to hers, i.e., the 
 out of doors life during the latter part of the second period; 
 only, as a result of the time ( period III) when I was the sole 
 personality (though I did not think of myself as such) and 
 had lived my own life, I had, it seems to me as I look back 
 upon it, become more crystallized. There had before 
 seemed to be a conjoining of two natures, and there was now, 
 only the second one, myself, was more strongly integrated. 
 
 C, or rather A, as I shall call this new phase, had no amnesia 
 for the preceding period (III), and as before was still per¬ 
 fectly aware of the B complex. She was ruled by this com¬ 
 plex, as C had before been ruled, and kept right on doing 
 things in accordance with the impulses of the B complex. 
 She was something like a somnambulist, I think, partly real¬ 
 izing the difference in her conduct, which seemed strange to 
 her, and unable to help herself. This condition lasted about 
 a week. Then I came again as a personality — the whole 
 personality — and stayed a month. Then A came as the 
 result of another shock, fully awake, and still without 
 amnesia and filled with amazement, horror, and despair 
 at what she (I, B,) had been doing, but still dominated by 
 the B complex, of which she was still aware. These changes 
 were all caused by emotional shocks connected with the 
 same subject. As I, B, seem to represent all the lighter, 
 gayer, and more irresponsible part of C’s nature, so A 
 seemed to represent all the sad, gloomy, and morbid part. 
 She could hardly believe that she had done a short time 
 before the things which she remembered perfectly as her 
 own acts; she saw everything from an entirely different point 
 of view. All the old doubts and fears returned stronger 
 than before. The state of vigorous health was gone in a 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 33 
 
 twinkling; she was ill, hardly able to sit up; intensely nervous, 
 unable to eat, sleep, or to put her mind on anything. In this 
 condition she was strongly dominated by the B complex. 
 She felt bound to keep promises which I (B) had made 
 (period III), though she disapproved of the course of action 
 it involved. There was no self-consciousness in the B 
 complex of personality. I did not think of myself as a 
 different personality until after the development of amnesia 
 and unawareness in A, but in looking back I realize the fact 
 that I was a personality long before I knew myself as such 
 (period III). I came in the first place as a personality by 
 accident, so to speak, and I became the B complex again 
 in the same way, but in the mean time I had lived an in¬ 
 dependent life, and the B complex was stronger and more 
 isolated. It was at this time that A was sent to Dr. Prince. 
 
 [The following paragraphs in brackets were dictated 
 by B in hypnosis. Consequently, as will be seen, the writer 
 in this state remembers her previous hypnoses, which is not 
 the case when she is awake.—Ed.] 
 
 [Shortly after A went to Dr. Prince one important change 
 took place; she began to have amnesia for the time when I was 
 in existence as the whole personality. 1 he first time A 
 had amnesia for me occurred at home after I had come 
 spontaneously. I do not remember the exact circumstances 
 of my coming or what brought me. It was in the morning, 
 and it was raining when the change took place, and I realized 
 my own personality. I wrote a letter to Dr. Prince and took 
 it to the office to post it. Just as I dropped it in the box the 
 change of personality again took place and A came to the 
 fore to find herself in the post office with no knowledge of 
 why or how she came there. From that moment A had 
 complete amnesia for me as an alternating personality and 
 also was unaware of me as a co-conscious complex. I do not 
 know what caused the amnesia and unawareness, but Dr. 
 Prince tells me there was a reason for it which he can ex¬ 
 plain.* I, however, had no amnesia for A as an alternating 
 
 *B had appeared accidentally in hypnosis, i.e., as an hypnotic state. 
 Of this awake she has no memory. The next time the spontaneous change 
 form B to A took place the latter had amnesia for B and unawareness for 
 the B complex. (Ed.) 
 
34 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 personality, which may be due to the fact that I was also 
 co-conscious with A as well as an alternating personality. 
 
 A and I (B) alternated frequently for months, A having 
 amnesia for me, but I remembering A. The change in 
 personality was caused by any sudden shock, emotion, 
 fatigue, anxiety. 
 
 After C (whose memory was approximately complete 
 but who was unstable)* was obtained, the three personalities 
 alternated, A and C having amnesia for me (B) and for 
 each other, but I had no amnesia, being, as I will presently 
 explain, co-conscious with both states. As an alternating 
 personality I (B) remember both states and my own co- 
 conscious life, but not the hypnotic states. When I am co- 
 conscious (with A and C), however, I remember my own 
 hypnotic state and A’s, but not C’s hypnotic state.f 
 
 There was no change in my (B’s) character after I 
 became an alternating personality except in so far as I was 
 broadened by my own independent experiences. 
 
 In hypnosis I remember that I came as B once but 
 hypnotized, having changed spontaneously from A, who 
 was then in hypnosis. After becoming A awake she had no 
 memory of this, i.e., of me or herself in hypnosis, any more 
 than I (B) have awake. On the first occasion after this 
 when A changed to me (B) as above narrated, A was 
 no longer aware of her rebellious complex, and she had 
 amnesia for me as an alternating personality.] 
 
 CO-CONSCIOUS LIFE 
 
 In reading this description of my co-conscious life the 
 reader must remember that I am not trying to prove any¬ 
 thing, as that is obviously impossible. I myself know the 
 facts to be as stated, but that is not proof for any one else. 
 I can only state these facts as they seem to me and describe 
 my co-conscious thoughts as any one would describe their 
 thoughts by introspection. I can only claim that they are 
 
 *This was not the final C but a preliminary one who was not quite 
 complete. (Ed.) 
 
 fBeing in hypnosis now I remember this, but when I wake up as an 
 alternating personality I lose this part of my co-conscious memory. 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 35 
 
 distinct memories; this I know. If any one can interpret 
 them in any other way I shall be much interested in knowing 
 how it can be done. My memory of my co-conscious life 
 is just as sharp and distinct, even more so, than my memory 
 of my alternating life. I also know that C does not have 
 these memories. Should this article chance to be read by 
 some other co-consciousness we may get additional evidence. 
 
 I have been asked if it does not seem strange to me 
 that I should be able to think my own thoughts while C is 
 thinking hers. It does not, of course, seem strange to me 
 at all, but I realize now how strange it seems to others. 
 But how can any one say that there is not in his own mind 
 a second stream of thought of which he is not conscious ? 
 
 Besides an alternating life, then, as I have said, I have 
 another life which I must describe; namely, that of my sub¬ 
 conscious or co-conscious existence. When I am not here 
 as an alternating personality, my thoughts still continue 
 during the lives of A and C, although they are not aware 
 of them. I am co-conscious with both A and C. That is 
 to say, my mental life cn ptifiU pt: indepe ndently of theirs. 
 This co-conscious life of mine is a continuation of my alter¬ 
 nating life after the change takes place to A or C. I still go 
 on thinking my own thoughts and retain all the memories 
 of my life as B, and of my previous co-conscious life. I think 
 my own thoughts, which are different from theirs, and at 
 the same time I know their thoughts and what they do. 
 My co-conscious life is very similar to what my mental life was 
 before the unawareness developed in A, except for certain 
 peculiar developments and differences which, it seems to me, 
 have resulted from this unawareness. Before the unaware¬ 
 ness the different complexes existed but as a part of one 
 personality. Then A was aware of my (B) complex and 
 resisted it; now she is not aware and cannot. Before the 
 amnesia there were the same conflicting emotions and 
 desires, but the division of personality was not complete. 
 The A complex was aware of the B complex and vice versa, 
 but until A was weakened by ill health she largely controlled 
 or inhibited the B complex. After becoming weakened, as 
 I have said, when A was present she was influenced by the 
 B complex according to circumstances. On the other hand, 
 
36 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 when the B complex was present it was at this time aware 
 of the protest of the A complex but was not at the time in¬ 
 fluenced by it. A was completely dominated by B, but B 
 was never influenced by A. 
 
 As far as ideas, emotions, and points of view go, I was 
 as much a personality before the amnesia and unawareness 
 on A’s part as after, but still I do not speak of myself as an 
 “ I ” at that time, chiefly because I thought nothing about it. 
 Before amnesia I do not think there were any thoughts in 
 the B complex of which A was unaware, but there were 
 many which she did not understand. 
 
 After amnesia and unawareness I became a distinct 
 personality in my own thought because I had a life com¬ 
 pletely my own, of which A was unaware. My thoughts, 
 my experiences, she knew nothing of. The unawareness 
 removed all inhibition* of my thoughts, and from that 
 time I can speak of my thoughts as co-conscious, because, 
 while they ran along with A’s as they had done before, she 
 was no longer conscious of them. They were the same 
 kind of thoughts as had occurred in the B complex; the un¬ 
 awareness only made them more isolated, separate, compact, 
 better crystallized, and the fact that A did not know them 
 gave them greater freedom. Inhibition was removed. 
 Before this she inhibited these thoughts. Otherwise the 
 fact of awareness or unawareness did not make any differ¬ 
 ence. I naturally, then, spoke of this group of thoughts 
 and perceptions as a personality. 
 
 With the absence of awareness there was a growth of 
 the co-conscious experiences, and the fact of alternation 
 gave me independent experiences, and all this added to and 
 developed both the co-conscious and alternating lives. 
 As an alternating personality I retained my co-conscious 
 memories.f 
 
 *This is more specifically expressed in the preliminary notes from 
 which the final manuscript was written, as follows: “ Before this (the 
 unawareness) I had the same thoughts and inclinations, but A knew them 
 and rebelled against them. Now when A ceased to be aware of my thoughts 
 and life they were there all the same, but we speak of them as co-conscious 
 by the definition. They continued as they had before. The unawareness 
 only made them more isolated,” etc. 
 
 fThat is, of course, so far as she knows. As a fact she does not re¬ 
 member the hypnotic states, which co-consciously she does. See above. (Ed.) 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 37 
 
 When C* was obtained the condition was the same, 
 only I was less strongly organized co-consciously. I do not 
 mean in separateness of thought or perceptions, but with C 
 when first obtained I had less power to influence her, could 
 not alternate with her by willing, and came less often spon¬ 
 taneously, but later this changed somewhat. The fact is 
 that this C was so unstable that the content of her mind 
 changed constantly. What was true one day would not be 
 true another. Later I could at times influence her, as 
 explained on page 41. 
 
 When I am co-conscious I see and hear many things of 
 which neither A nor C are aware. Whether this is also true 
 of me as an alternating personality, in comparison with A 
 and C, I cannot say, for obvious reasons, but I think I do 
 observe more closely and notice all little things more as a 
 co-consciousness than when I am a personality. 
 
 CONTENT OF THE CO-CONSCIOUSNESS 
 
 In attempting to describe by introspection the difference 
 between my mind and C’s I shall have to use some sort of 
 metaphor, and so will say that there are two streams of 
 thought, one below the other. The upper one is C and the 
 lower one is B. These two streams are not of the same 
 quality. The upper one, C, is more opaque — thicker, less 
 sensitive to perceptions; an inward flowing stream; brooding, 
 questioning, very active in itself, but not so quick to take in 
 outside impressions as the lower one, B. The lower stream, 
 B, is clearer — crystal clear — and is an outward flowing 
 stream, open to every perception, lighter, not introspective. 
 
 Now nearly everything that happens is perceived by some 
 part of C’s mind — the rustle of a paper, the cracking of a 
 stick in the fire, the sound of a bird chirping, the smile or 
 frown on the face of a person whom we meet, the gleam of 
 their teeth, etc., everything that can be seen or heard is 
 recorded in her mind whether she is conscious of it or not. 
 These illustrations are taken from actual occurrences which 
 I distinctly remember. Now into my stream of conscious¬ 
 ness most of these perceptions are absorbed, but C is con¬ 
 scious of only the more important ones. For example: 
 
 *This was not the final complete C whom she could not influence at 
 all. See footnote, p. 34. (Ed.) 
 
38 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 Dr. Prince comes into the room and C rises and greets him, 
 shakes hands and says, “ Good morning; ” she is conscious 
 of nothing but a sense of relief at seeing him, and is thinking 
 only of the woes she has to tell him; hut I perceive things 
 like this: Dr. Prince’s hand is cold; he looks tired or rested; 
 he is nervous to-day; he has on such and such clothes or 
 cravat, etc. These perceptions become my thoughts. C 
 does not take them into her consciousness at all. Later, 
 if she were asked if she shook hands with Dr. Prince she 
 might or might not remember it; as to his hand being cold 
 and all the rest of it, she would not have noticed; if she did 
 it would be an automatic memory; she had not thought about 
 it. When C’s mind is concentrated on any one thing, like 
 reading or studying, it is closed to every other perception. 
 She does not notice the sounds in the house or out of doors, 
 but I, being co-conscious, do. I hear the blinds rattle, I 
 hear the maid moving about the house, I hear the telephone 
 ring, etc. She hears none of these things. She does not 
 know that she is tired, and that she ought to stop reading, 
 but all these things I know and think of. When she stops 
 reading she becomes conscious that she is tired, but of the 
 sounds in the house she knows nothing. I have read the 
 book also, but these other things are added to my stream 
 of conscious thought. So, you see, I know all C’s thoughts, 
 and think my own beside. When she is talking with any one 
 I often disagree with what she says. She does not think 
 at all the same about many things. I think of replies I would 
 make quite different from the ones she makes. Then some¬ 
 times I do not pay very much attention to her conversation, 
 though I know all she says, but go on with my own thoughts. 
 I do not say that every perception is taken into my con¬ 
 sciousness, it may not be. Something else may, and evidently 
 does, perceive things which escape me. 
 
 I do not remember everything all the time. I say this 
 because some seem to think the “ subconscious ” is always 
 conscious of everything, but that is not so with me. I forget 
 sometimes, just as C does, but my memory is better than hers, 
 especially when I am co-conscious. I think this last is so 
 because when C is dominant, i.e. present, I can think 
 my own thoughts undisturbed. I am in a clear, light place 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 39 
 
 all my own. I do not have to think “ I must do this or 
 that, I must go here or there,” as I must do when I am 
 the alternating personality; I can just lie dormant, as it 
 were, as far as physical activity is concerned, and think and 
 remember. 
 
 Often when C is talking to some one, I know that she is 
 misunderstood, she does not know that they have received a 
 wrong impression, but I do. 
 
 Now when we change, and I, B, am present as an al¬ 
 ternating personality, it seems to me that the lower stream 
 rises and the upper one is submerged, there is only one 
 train of thought. The two streams are united in the sense 
 only that I have no amnesia for C’s previous stream of 
 thought, but, of course, when I am the personality there is 
 no C. I could no more think C’s thoughts than I could 
 think any other person’s thoughts. When the change 
 takes place I, B, have control of the motor powers. What 
 causes the change I cannot tell you — a sudden shock does 
 it, likewise a strong emotion does it, fatigue, anxiety, depres¬ 
 sion, etc. Sometimes C feels the change coming, that is, she 
 knows from experience that her mood of depression will end 
 in changing. 
 
 SEPARATENESS AND CONTINUITY OF CO-CONSCIOUSNESS 
 
 As I retrospect it seems to me that the two streams of 
 thought are entirely separate even when we are interested 
 in the same thing. My train of thought may be, and 
 usually is, quite different from C’s. When C is ill, for 
 instance, she is thinking about her headache, and how hard 
 life seems and how glad she will be when it is over, and I 
 am thinking how tiresome it is to lie in bed when I am 
 just aching to go for a long tramp or do something gay. 
 We rarely have the same opinion about any book we are 
 reading, though we may both like it. C, however, enjoys 
 some writers whom I find very tiresome, Maeterlinck, for 
 example. She considers him very inspiring and uplifting, 
 and I think he writes a lot of nonsense and is extremely 
 depressing. She enjoys poetry and I do not care for it. 
 It happens often that when C is desperately unhappy, and 
 her train of thought is black and despairing, mine is gay 
 
40 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 and happy. My tastes and points of view are just the 
 same when I am an alternating personality. I have already 
 given illustrations of separateness when speaking of the 
 content of my co-conscious life. The two trains of thought 
 are always going on except when I am the personality. 
 Then there is but one — my own. 
 
 EMOTION 
 
 The only emotion that I remember to have experienced 
 is one of pleasure and happiness. I know nothing of re¬ 
 morse, reproach, and despair. I know that C has these 
 emotions; I know how she feels about everything, that is 
 to say, I know what she thinks she feels, but I do not myself 
 experience them. I am sometimes disappointed and some¬ 
 times provoked, but never really unhappy. 
 
 Emotion seems to me something like mercury. C is 
 easily affected by the slightest change in her social atmos¬ 
 phere. Something happens and her spirits rise, she feels 
 lighter, stronger, ambitious, and her heart seems to beat 
 quicker; something else happens and her spirits sink, she 
 feels heavy and dull and ill and has a return of neurasthenic 
 symptoms. I never change in that way. I am always the 
 same, that is, I always feel happy, and that is a very fortunate 
 thing, for I can’t do what I want to half the time. Trivial 
 things affect C as if they were great things, and she spends 
 nearly the same amount of emotion over the former as she 
 would over the latter. 
 
 RELATIONS TO A AND C 
 
 My relations with the two personalities are not quite 
 the same. With A I do not feel or taste. If she closes her 
 eyes I cannot tell whether she is eating meat or candy 
 unless I know beforehand. With C it is different. I know 
 when she is touched and I know wTat she is eating. Should 
 she be hurt I would feel it but don’t think it would cause 
 me pain. It is the same with her emotions; I know what 
 they are from her thoughts, but she experiences them. 
 When she walks my sensation is of being carried, though 
 I see and hear and know everything and feel the ground 
 under her feet. As an alternating personality I have no 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 41 
 
 pain. I can distinguish between touch and pain, but I do 
 not suffer from the latter. The only difference is that pain 
 is unpleasant. With A I do not feel any pain at all, not 
 even when she has a headache.* Even as the personality 
 (B) I feel no pain, that is, what A and C think of as pain. 
 I have nothing but an unpleasant sensation. When I am 
 tested by pin pricks or pinching I know it is a prick 
 or a pinch and not a touch, but it does not hurt. I do not 
 know whether this would be true for severe tests or not, but 
 I do not feel pain at the dentist’s, though A and C suffer 
 intensely. 
 
 ABILITY TO VOLUNTARILY INFLUENCE THE PERSONAL 
 CONSCIOUSNESS 
 
 Voluntarily I can often, not always, make both C and 
 A do the thing I wish to do or go to the place I wish to go. 
 I do this by a process of willing. I fix my mind on C’s 
 mind and I say to myself, or rather to C, “ you must go out 
 to walk, it makes no difference whether you want to or not, 
 you must; your legs feel all twitchy, you can’t keep still,” etc., 
 and then she begins to feel nervous; she gets what she calls 
 the “ merry pranks ” in her legs and goes to walk to get them 
 straightened out. In the same way I make her go to see 
 the people I like best when she is out paying visits. I think 
 of the persons I wish to see, and how much I wish to see 
 them, and C “ changes her mind ” and goes there. She 
 sometimes suspects, now that she knows more about me, 
 that I am influencing her and resists the impulse she feels. 
 Then we have a struggle in which she sometimes wins. 
 With A I always came out best, but C is stronger. The 
 greatest conflict of our wills comes when she tries to go to 
 the cemetery. She feels it her duty to visit that place, and 
 over and over again has tried to do so but I will not go there. 
 She has not been there for more than a year. I set my will 
 and she sets hers, but I always win. I hold her, by my 
 will, so that she can’t walk in that direction. [A’s 
 account of this incident is given in Part I of this article, 
 page 19.] This strong willing on my part produces a 
 
 *These differences in the perceptions have been the subject of experi¬ 
 mentation. The results will be published in the full account. (Ed.) 
 
42 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 feeling of exhaustion in C; she feels very tired, and that it is 
 really no matter anyway, and finally gives up her intention 
 and turns back; she feels as if she tvere being pulled in two 
 different ways. Sometimes it is easy to do this and some¬ 
 times not. It depends a good deal on the state of her 
 health and the state of her mind. 
 
 Many times I influence her when she does not suspect 
 it, in making her read the book I wish to read or in making 
 her go to walk. She considers herself changeable and ner¬ 
 vous and wishes she knew her own mind five minutes at 
 a time. For instance: One day it was raining and she did 
 not want to go out, but I felt that I could not stay in the 
 house another minute. So I willed that she should go to 
 walk and she changed her clothes and went out. She 
 thought, “ what nonsense this is to go out in this rain. I 
 wish I knew w T hat I wanted to do five minutes at a time.” 
 She would think, “ I guess I will go to walk,” and then she 
 would think, “ No, I don’t want to go out in all this rain,” 
 then in a few minutes, “ I believe I will go to walk,” etc., 
 and finally she went, more for peace of mind than anything 
 else. 
 
 Over the normal C who now exists I have no power to 
 influence her voluntarily or involuntarily, directly or in¬ 
 directly, so far as I know. There are co-conscious influences 
 that are received from other parts of her mind, but I am not 
 writing of these in this account.* 
 
 I have made it impossible for A to telephone Dr. Prince. 
 A was always telephoning him, and I thought it was very 
 foolish to do so, particularly as it usually resulted in sup¬ 
 pressing me as a personality. So when A started toward the 
 telephone I held her, by my will; she could not go to the 
 telephone for the purpose of speaking to Dr. Prince. She 
 did not know that I did it. It seemed to her that while she 
 wished to speak to him she had better not bother him 
 after all, and then she would be so blue and depressed that 
 I would “ come.” 
 
 Sometimes after hypnosis the first unstable C to whom 
 I am referring could remember, in a way, some of my acts.f 
 
 “^Investigation has shown other co-conscious phenomena and influence 
 distinct from those of the B complex. An account of this is reserved. (Ed.) 
 
 fThese memories were brought back by suggestion. (Ed.) 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 43 
 
 The memories were in the form of visual pictures, and it al¬ 
 ways seemed to me that she remembered only the things that 
 Dr. Prince knew about himself. I, in the alternating state, 
 was thinking of this one night after I had gone to bed and 
 wondered whether, if I should hide A’s watch and rings, Dr. 
 Prince could make C remember it—not knowing it himself. I 
 felt too lazy, however, to get up and hide them, but in the 
 morning they were gone. I knew where they were, for I re¬ 
 membered she got up in her sleep and hid them in a cuff box 
 where they were found by her sister. Then another night 
 whenlwas co-cons cious y l wondered ifl could by willing make 
 A get up in her sleep and do the same thing. So I willed that 
 she should get up in her sleep and hide her watch and rings 
 that night. I did not designate any place. She did it 
 or at least in the morning they were gone and could not be 
 found for some time, until Dr. Prince discovered that they 
 had been hidden in her sleep under some cushions on the 
 landing of the stairs.* 
 
 When A is present I can “ come ” voluntarily by 
 willing, i.e., blot A out and then I “ come.” When C is 
 present it is more difficult, but I can sometimes do it, i.e., 
 when she is excited or depressed or upset in any way, physi¬ 
 cally or mentally. I can always do it with A except when she 
 has a bad headache. This seems paradoxical, because with 
 this exception when she is in poor health I can come more 
 easily. Usually for a few days after A had had suggestion 
 from Dr. Prince I did not “ come.” I don’t know whether 
 I could not or did not feel like trying. By willing I mean 
 I would say to A — “ Get away,” “ Go away,” “ Get out of 
 the way,” “ Let me come,” “ I will come,” and then A 
 disappeared. She was gone and I was there. It was 
 almost instantaneous. With C I had to make a different 
 effort. I had to think more about it when I wanted to 
 come; that I must be the personality because of the things 
 I wanted to do; that I must come; that I would come. It 
 sometimes took a minute or two to get rid of C. Her 
 thoughts stopped. I don’t know what became of them. 
 1 he times, however, when I came by willing were com¬ 
 paratively few compared with the times when I came 
 
 * I his was done through hypnosis. The articles were found as re¬ 
 membered in hypnosis. (Ed.) 
 
44 
 
 My Li fe as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 spontaneously, but there were many times. Sometimes the 
 wish to change would blot out A without actual willing. 
 Example: There was a dinner party to which I was very 
 anxious to go, and while A was dressing she decided she 
 would not go and started to cross the room to take up the 
 telephone to say she would not be there, and I wanted 
 to go so much that she lost herself before she reached the 
 telephone. My thoughts were, “ I want to go,” “ You must 
 go,” but not, “ I must come,” etc. 
 
 INVOLUNTARILY INFLUENCING THE PERSONAL 
 CONSCIOUSNESS 
 
 Ordinarily the two streams of thought run on side 
 by side without interfering with each other. C may be 
 reading or studying something that interests us both, and 
 our minds are occupied in the same way. I am contented 
 and all goes well. At other times C may be reading and I 
 may not be interested. I may not like the book or may 
 want to do something else. I feel restless and dissatisfied, 
 and soon C begins to feel the same. She can’t fix her mind 
 on what she is reading, puts down the book, goes to the 
 piano but can’t play, starts a letter but does not finish it, 
 etc. This is what I call an involuntary influence. In this 
 case I do not have the power to “ come ” or to make C do 
 the thing I want to do, in fact, perhaps I do not know 
 what I want to do myself, but my state of mind makes her 
 nervous and upset. As an example of involuntary influence 
 I will take the following incident, as it is fresh in my mem¬ 
 ory. A few days ago Dr. Putnam kindly allowed C to see 
 a patient of his who is suffering from a form of hysteria. 
 She could not put her feet down flat on the floor, but turned 
 her toes up and tried to walk on her heels and the sides of 
 her feet, and as she walked she trembled all over and breathed 
 irregularly.* I was much interested in the matter, and after 
 we got home kept wondering how the girl managed to walk 
 that way — it seemed so difficult. There was in my mind 
 a picture of the girl with her toes turned up, trembling and 
 breathing hard; I was imagining how it would seem to walk 
 that way and to tremble all over, etc. I was not paying 
 
 *This was a case of hysterical astasia-abasia of a peculiar type. (Ed.) 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 45 
 
 any attention to C’s train of thought, being absorbed in 
 my own, and did not consider at all how my thoughts 
 might affect her until I became aware that she was trembling 
 from head to foot, that her toes were all curled up, and that 
 she could hardly keep her feet flat on the floor. She was in 
 great distress of mind, as she thought her condition was 
 caused by her extreme suggestibility, and that she must 
 be very ill to be so easily affected. She was so much dis¬ 
 turbed that she telephoned Dr. Prince, asking him to help her 
 to steady herself. I did not intend to produce such an eff ect. 
 It would seem plain that my train of thought influenced her. 
 
 At another time C was asked to go for a long automobile 
 ride and dine in the country, coming home in the evening. 
 I was very anxious to go, but I had promised Dr. Prince not 
 to interfere with C. I did not try to “ come,” but I could not 
 help wanting to go, and I thought to myself, “ O! I wish 
 she would go.” C declined at first, as I knew she would, 
 but as my longing increased she began to waver, hesitated, 
 and finally said she would go. She felt that she ought not 
 to go, that it was better not to accept such invitations, and 
 hardly knew why she should have changed her mind. 
 She felt provoked with herself about it, but as she changed 
 to me as an alternating personality soon after we started, 
 it was all right. 
 
 C once had a visual hallucination of Dr. Prince, because 
 I was thinking of him. She was thinking of entirely different 
 matters, but I was thinking that if it were not for Dr. Prince 
 I might, perhaps, stay all the time, and was wondering why 
 it was that I did not go away somewhere; why it was that I 
 felt bound to keep C’s appointments with him, etc. As 
 I was thinking all this C suddenly saw Dr. Prince standing 
 before her. He was so real that she spoke his name, saying, 
 “Why, Dr. Prince!” She was not asleep, but was lying 
 in bed looking at the fire when she had this hallucination. 
 She knew it was a vision, but it was very distinct. 
 
 I one day wrote something in the diary, which has been 
 kept by all of us, which A did not understand, and she took 
 the book to Dr. Prince. I did not care to have him read 
 what I wrote in my diary, and so that night I wrote a note to 
 A, saying that I was going to put the diary where she could 
 
46 
 
 My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 not find it and that she should never see it again. I did not, 
 however, do so, but left it in the drawer where it was always 
 kept. A found this note from me in the morning and went 
 at once to see if the diary was gone. It was right there, but 
 she could not see it; she took it in her hand several times in 
 searching through the drawer but could not see it and did not 
 do so for a week or more. When she did see it she could not 
 understand how it came to be there and thought I must have 
 “ come ” in the night and put it back. She wrote it so in the 
 diary at the time. A writes, Sept. 19, 1907: “ It is the 
 
 strangest thing about this diary. I have not been able 
 to find it for a week or more and I know it was not in that 
 drawer last night, but I have been myself all day and how 
 could B have put it back again ? I cannot understand it 
 at all — perhaps she came in the night.” A had seen Dr. 
 Prince that day and I suppose that is why she could see the 
 diary when she came home. 
 
 DREAMS 
 
 Though C does not remember her dreams when she is 
 awake she feels their influence, especially if it is a depressing 
 one. She dreamed a few nights ago of a very distressing 
 event which really occurred several years ago, and which 
 gave her an intense emotional shock. In the dream she lived 
 over again all the emotion she experienced at the time, all 
 the feeling of horror, sorrow, fear, and self-reproach; also 
 the physical sensation of nausea and headache which followed 
 the shock. When she woke she had no remembrance of 
 her dream, but she felt the depression, the headache, and 
 the nausea. 
 
 Last night she had a dream which affected her in the 
 same way. She dreamed she was standing on the top of a 
 very high mountain where she could see all the country 
 for miles around. She was alone and the wind was blowing 
 her hair and dress. It was at sunset, and the sky was filled 
 with clouds which took various shapes and were colored by 
 the setting sun. The upper part of the sky was filled with 
 pictures which were framed in small white clouds touched 
 with gold on the edges where they curled over. Some were 
 landscapes, some were portraits. One portrait was of her 
 
My Life as a Dissociated Personality 
 
 47 
 
 mother, very, very beautiful — and all were in colors. Be¬ 
 low these pictures were flowers of every kind and description 
 — rose gardens, old-fashioned gardens, wreaths, single 
 flowers— a perfect mass of color. Above all this there was 
 one cloud which had no color and no particular shape, but 
 which attracted her attention more than the rest; she was 
 fascinated by it and watched it. 1 he sun went down and 
 all the pictures vanished, but this one cloud remained and 
 
 took the shape of a man — Mr.- (her husband). She 
 
 reached her hands to him and said, “ Oh, speak to me,” 
 but he looked at her very sorrowfully and turned away. 
 Then she had that same feeling of nausea, headache, and 
 weariness, and covered her eyes. When she looked again 
 it was not her husband, but Dr. Prince, and she called to 
 him and said, “ Dr. Prince, if you do not speak to me I shall 
 throw myself down the mountain,” and Dr. Prince stretched 
 out his hand and looked very funny, and he said: “ If all the 
 world were apple pie and all the sea were ink, what would 
 we do for cocktails.” And C said, “ Dr. Prince, you are 
 perfectly horrid.” Then she woke up, but she felt ill, just as 
 she did in the dream, and when she saw Dr. Prince that morn¬ 
 ing she told him she felt very ill. Now all that C* remembers 
 of that dream is of standing on the mountain with the wind 
 blowing her hair and dress, and of seeing her husband and 
 Dr. Prince. She does not remember anything else. I 
 was awake when she dreamed this dream, for I know what 
 was going on in the house and C does not. She did not hear 
 the maid go downstairs or any of the sounds in the house. 
 Her dreams are usually depressing though occasionally 
 they are amusing. C sometimes remembers the main 
 features of her dreams but none of the details. f 
 
 *This is correct. (C.) 
 
 fC has been examined on numerous occasions for memory of dreams, 
 and it has been found that she rarely remembers them, though they are 
 recovered in hypnosis. The persistence of headache, nausea, and de¬ 
 pression following a dream has been frequently noted and removed by a 
 simple suggestion. (Ed.) 
 

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Duke University Lib J*|Jf? 1| 
 
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