PERKINS LIBRARY 
 
 Duke University 
 
 Rare Uoolcs 
 

; ■ 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 Duke University Libraries 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/philosophersoffoOOfree 
 
THE 
 
 PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 T 
 
 BY- RADICAL FREELANCE, ESQ. 
 
 " La pJdlosophie, dont on a quelquefois passe" les bornes, les recherches de 
 Vantiquiti, Vesprit de discussion et de critique, ont 6t6pousse"s si loin, qu y enfin 
 plusieurs savans ont douU," etc, — Voltaire. 
 
 ^ 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 G. W. Caf^leton, Publisher 
 
 LONDON: S. LOW, SON, & CO. 
 
 MDCCCLXVin. 
 
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1SGS, by 
 
 GEO. \7. CAELETON, 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District of New York. 
 

 CONTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 CHAPTER I. Tho Inauguration at Harmony Hall, with an Account 
 
 of the New Utopians 7 
 
 II. In which Matters and Things at Harmony Hall aro 
 
 arranged to the Satisfaction of Everybody . 26 
 
 III. Symptoms of Discord appear at Harmony Hall . 34 
 
 IV. Some curious and interesting Papers never beforo pre- 
 
 sented to the Public 59 
 
 V. A Discussion between Dr. Goodenough and Mr. Long- 
 shanks 89 
 
 VI. A Convention of the Femalo Rights Association . 11G 
 
 VII. Some Adventures of Mr. Peewit .... 153 
 
 VIII. The Doctor invests in the Fine Arts . . .172 
 
 IX. Lively Times at Harmony Hall .... 196 
 
 X. The Rev. Hieronymus Knox takes the Bull by the 
 
 Horns 229 
 
 XI. Some original Letters now first published, together 
 
 with a few Extracts from our Newspaper Files . 240 
 XII. In which the Virtuous are rewarded and the Wicked 
 
 punished . . ...... 254 
 
 XIII. An Account of the Philosopher Fou-fou . . . 274 
 
 XIV. Conclusion 292 
 
 
THE 
 
 PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Tlie Inauguration at Harmony Sail, with an Account 
 of the New Utopians. 
 
 The building now used for the celebrated Water-cure 
 Establishment at Foufouvillc, New Jersey, was built 
 for a very different purpose. It was erected by the 
 late learned Dr. Goodenough, in the latter years of his 
 life, in order to give a practical demonstration of those 
 theories of social reform that he had long inculcated in 
 his writings, and to which he now resolved to devote, not 
 only his time, but his fortune. 
 
 The doctor, with his habitually liberal views, in- 
 structed his architect, Palladio Styles, Esq., n. a. a., 
 to design the building in such a manner that, by 
 simply extending the wings, it could be made to con- 
 tain accommodation for one thousand inmates, — this 
 being as many as he thought it advisable to collect in 
 one institution at the beginning of his enterprise ; but 
 he contemplated making ample preparations for the 
 great increase that he anticipated in the numbers of 
 the Harmonians (or New Utopians, as they were called 
 by the public) ; and on the square mile of land he had 
 
 7 
 
8 tiie rniLOsornERS of foufouville. 
 
 purchased, selected the eleven most eligible sites, for 
 the erection of the first eleven additional phalansteries 
 that should follow the success of the one with which 
 he initiated his grand scheme. Of course, more hmd 
 would be required for agricultural purposes when the 
 community should become so greatly increased ; but 
 he trusted, that in the meantime, the six hundred and forty 
 acres already purchased would afford sufficient food 
 for the members of the society during the first few 
 months. 
 
 It was in the spring of the year 185- that the doctor 
 removed to the new building at Foufouville, accom- 
 panied by his first five proselytes, or " disciples," as 
 he was accustomed to call them. 
 
 Assembling them, on the day of their arrival, in the 
 great music-hall (now used as the refectory of the Water- 
 cure Establishment), he thus addressed them, — 
 
 " Beloved brothers and sisters : St. Augustin tells us 
 that ' we are all seekers after happiness ; but that how to ob- 
 tain it, is a question that has excited numerous and lively 
 disputations among the learned.' We are about to solve 
 this great problem. A new light has dawned upon man- 
 kind, — a light which, rising over Foufouville, is destined 
 to shed its refulgence throughout the whole world. Fou- 
 fouville is to be the Mecca of untold generations of Har- 
 monians. We have this day inaugurated a new era, and 
 henceforth, in our written communications to each other, 
 will date from this memorable epoch, the first day of the 
 Inst month of the first year of the Harmonian era. 
 
 " I regret that there are some among you who do not 
 as yet fully concur in all my doctrines, but do not doubt 
 that those who are still more or less affected by long con- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 9 
 
 tact with the gentiles, will in time be brought to recognize 
 the value of the Harmonian philosophy, by the cogency 
 of my arguments, and the triumphant demonstration that 
 is about to be made of its practical utility ; and it is a 
 matter of congratulation that all are so far agreed as to 
 have cheerfully subscribed to the rules of the establishment. 
 
 " I will enumerate the following, as being among the 
 most important ones : 
 
 " Our food shall consist of fruits and vegetables, with 
 such animal products as are not obtained by a sacrifice 
 of life. 
 
 "The flesh of creatures into whom the Almighty has 
 breathed the breath of life is strictly prohibited. 
 
 " My mind is not yet clear on the subject of eggs. It 
 is known that some of them contain the vital principle, 
 while some do not. We will reserve the determination 
 of this delicate question for future discussion. 
 
 " Of the advantages of a vegetable diet, I am a living 
 example, for, although not above the average height, I 
 weigh nearly three hundred pounds. 
 
 " The deleterious juice of the grape is tabooed. 
 
 " Likewise that vile weed, tobacco. 
 
 " Also those highly injurious drugs, tea and coffee. 
 
 " Perfect equality shall exist between us. 
 
 " All property shall be in common ; and we shall depend 
 for our subsistence on the labor of our hands. 
 
 "In regard to the marriage state, while I am not 
 absolutely opposed to it, I believe that it should not be 
 entered into without long deliberation, and then solely 
 for the purpose of carrying out that sublime, that holy 
 instinct of our nature, to increase and multiply ; and not, 
 as I fear is too often the case, merely from a desire to 
 
10 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 gratify the whims of the flesh. For this reason, husbands 
 and wives will be kept rigidly separated from each other, 
 excepting at such times as the laws of physiology teach 
 us may be favorable to the attainment of the great end 
 in view. 
 
 " St. Augustin informs us that ' philosophers hold two 
 different opinions in regard to those movements of the 
 soul which the Greeks call, ndOt), the Latins, with Cicero, 
 perturbationes, others, affections, or, as more in accordance 
 with the Greek expression, passions. Some maintain 
 that they exist even in the soul of the sage, but moder- 
 ated, and under the control of reason, which imposes its 
 laws upon them, and restrains them within proper bounds. 
 Such was the opinion of the Platonicians and Peripatetics. 
 Others, like the Stoics, held that the soul of the sage is 
 unmoved by them.' 
 
 " This, beloved brothers and sisters, is the whole secret. 
 You have merely to let your passions be subordinate to 
 your reason. And here in Harmony Hall Ave will demon- 
 strate to an admiring world how easily this desirable con- 
 summation is to be attained. 
 
 " In this calm retreat — like St. Simon Stygites on top 
 of his pillar — we shall be secure from the raging passions 
 and numberless temptations that beset less fortunate 
 mortals. Separated from the outer world, from its lusts, 
 its hatreds, its avarice, its contentions, we will tranquilly 
 glide down the vale of years in perpetual harmony, peace, 
 and good-will." 
 
 The doctor's peculiar views on the institution of mar- 
 riage may be partially accounted for from the fact that 
 his union with the late Mrs. Goodenough (Xantippe, 
 daughter of Timothy Bangs, Esq., President of Salem 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 11 
 
 College) had been extremely infelicitous ; owing, it was 
 said, to the lady's hasty temper, and her entire want of 
 sympathy with the benevolent projects of her husband to 
 ameliorate the condition of mankind. The only living 
 issue of this union, a daughter named after her father's 
 favorite virtue, Charity, was sixteen years of age when 
 the doctor disposed of his property, much of it at a sacri- 
 fice, in order to give effect to his theories by the founda- 
 tion of Harmony Hall, — for such was the name of the new 
 institution at Foufouville. 
 
 Miss Charity Goodenough, who, of course, accompanied 
 her father, gave a passive assent to his teachings, though 
 it may be doubted whether or not she fully comprehended 
 the purport of all of them. 
 
 But the doctor's most enthusiastic disciple, and his 
 right-hand man in the realization of his scheme, was Pro- 
 fessor Nicholas Malpest. This gentleman was supposed 
 to be of foreign birth, but the fact was not certain, as he 
 was extremely reticent in regard to his origin. Little 
 was known of him, excepting that previous to his acquaint- 
 ance with Dr. Goodenough, he had eked out a precarious 
 livelihood by delivering lectures on social reform in dif- 
 ferent parts of the country. 
 
 He was soon taken into the doctor's intimacy, on ac- 
 count of the singular accordance of their philanthropical 
 views, and had been of great assistance to the old gen- 
 tleman — at least, so he said — in the management of his 
 affairs, particularly in the investment of his money ; for 
 the good doctor was totally unacquainted with business 
 (except as it was conducted among the Greeks and Eo- 
 mans) , and it was Professor Malpest who had counselled, 
 
12 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVJLLE. 
 
 and finally negotiated the purchase of the property at 
 Foufouvillej 
 
 He was at this time about forty-five years of age, tall 
 and thin in person, with long, dark hair, dyed and arti- 
 ficially frizzled like that of a mulatto, and piercing black 
 eyes, which squinted in a manner that would have given 
 him an exceedingly sinister expression, had he not always 
 worn spectacles to conceal the defect. It was also known 
 that he had false teeth. 
 
 Miss Serena Minerva Griffin — a lady of an uncertain 
 age, but which was certainly more than thirty — was 
 another member of the society. She was an earnest and 
 sincere admirer of the doctor, although she did not give 
 an entire assent to all his doctrines. On the subject of 
 marriage, in particular, she quite differed from him. Not- 
 withstanding his own disagreeable experience, he ever 
 maintained that that union should be permanent. " "Whom 
 God hath joined," he would say, " let no man put asunder." 
 
 " Dear, good man ! " Miss Minerva would rejoin. " He 
 is so inexperienced. He does not know the fundamental 
 difference between the sexes. Why should woman be 
 bound for life to one whom she loathes ? Freedom, indeed ! 
 Talk not to me of freedom while such slavery exists. 
 Look at Nature ; behold the birds of the air and the beasts 
 of the field ! Let us take Nature for our guide. She will 
 not lead us astray." 
 
 The name of Miss Griffin had been long before the 
 public, as an eloquent expounder of the rights and wrongs 
 of her sex. 
 
 But the most prominent female member of the society 
 was Mrs. Elizabeth Strongitharm. This lady was about 
 forty-four years of age, hard in features and in disposition, 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 13 
 
 and always dressed in what is known as the Bloomer cos- 
 tume. She was, in short, what might be denominated a 
 strong-minded woman, and had been a leading oracle at 
 the meetings of the Female Rights Association, over 
 which she had occasionally presided. 
 
 She did not concur with the doctor in all his views, nor 
 with Miss Griffin in anything, except in regard to the 
 superiority of woman over man, and the long catalogue 
 of wrongs to which he had subjected her. " Man," she 
 would say, " by the false laws of a debased state of soci- 
 ety is enabled to impose upon feeble woman ; but no man 
 ever took advantage of me, nor ever shall." 
 
 The last of the doctor's five proselytes, whom it remains 
 for us to describe, was Joseph Peewit, Esq. This gentle- 
 man had been taken in marriage by Mrs. Strongitharm 
 some years before, notwithstanding he was much younger 
 than she. They had not been united according to the 
 forms of any religious denomination, but by the insertion 
 of the following announcement in the newspapers : — 
 
 " Know all men and women by these presents, that I, 
 Elizabeth Strongitharm, and Joseph Peewit, being free 
 from the grovelling superstitions of this degenerate age, 
 untrammelled by the impositions of hireling priests, 
 and unterrified by the oppressive, unequal, and tyranni- 
 cal laws of a sycophantic society, do hereby take each 
 other for husband and wife, until death do us part, or 
 until this copartnership shall be dissolved by mutual 
 consent. 
 
 " ELIZABETH STRONGITHARM. 
 
 "J. Peewit." 
 
 She had not taken Mr. Peewit's name ; for, " Why," 
 
 2 
 
14 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 
 
 said she, " should woman sacrifice her name, rather than 
 man his ? Peewit may assume my name if he choose, but 
 I take that of no man — not I." 
 
 Their union was unblessed with issue. 
 
 As absolute equality was one of the cardinal principles 
 of the organization ; there could be no such personage as 
 a president, or presiding elder. " Nevertheless," said the 
 doctor, who w r as still on the rostrum, " as I have lived 
 longer in the world, and am more experienced in its ways 
 than any of j r ou, I trust, dear brethren, that you will be 
 guided in a great measure by my advice in the settlement 
 of the importaut questions that will arise in relation to 
 the moral, intellectual, and social welfare of mankind in 
 general, and of the society of Ilarmonians in particular." 
 
 Mrs. Strongitharm objected decidedly to be guided by 
 the advice of any one, and especially of a man. She had 
 always followed her own judgment, and always intended 
 to do so. " It might, however, be well," she observed, 
 " to form a sort of Council for the transaction of the daily 
 business of the society. It should consist of about half 
 a dozen members." 
 
 " A sort of committee of the whole," suggested Mr. 
 Peewit. 
 
 " Sir?" said Mrs. Strongitharm, with a frown. 
 
 "Nothing," answered her — we were about to write 
 " lord and master," but that would be a misnomer, as the 
 pantaloons were both figuratively and literally worn by 
 the lady. 
 
 "The suggestion of a Council meets my approbation," 
 said Miss Griffin ; " although it does emanate from Mrs. 
 Strongitharm ; and as there will doubtless be a greater 
 number of females than males in the community, — women 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 15 
 
 in the present state of society being so much more pro- 
 gressive than men, — it is just that the voice of the former 
 should preponderate ; I would therefore recommend for 
 the rapid despatch of business, a Grand Council consisting 
 of twenty women and four men." 
 
 Professor Malpest rose and stated that he agreed with 
 the doctor, and he also agreed with the ladies. The doc- 
 tor was the Nestor, the Mentor, the Moses of the society, 
 and he for one would ever listen to his counsels with the 
 most profound respect and veneration, as to the voice of 
 wisdom and virtue. Who (with the exception of him- 
 self) had sacrificed more for the furtherance of the great 
 work of human regeneration? Both were co-laborers in 
 the same humane field. The doctor had very properly 
 contributed the lucre he would no longer need ; while he 
 (carried away by his feelings of benevolence, and the ad- 
 mirable logic of the doctor) had not hesitated to sacrifice 
 the brilliant, though worldly career that was opening be- 
 fore him, in order to devote his time, his wealth (what 
 little he had), and he might add, his life itself, should it 
 become necessary, to this noble cause. The advice of the 
 ladies was also good, he would even say, most excellent, 
 and was a convincing proof of that penetration, that deep 
 insight, that intuitive reason, peculiar to the sex. He 
 would venture to observe, however, that just at present, 
 while their numbers were somewhat limited, the selection 
 of the persons to compose the Grand Council might per- 
 haps be deferred for a few clays without serious disadvan- 
 tage, as there were questions of more pressing necessity 
 that awaited decision. He therefore took the liberty of 
 reminding his assembled brothers and sisters that it was 
 growing late, and they had not yet chosen a cook. 
 
16 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 
 
 This proposition of the professor seemed to dampen 
 the spirits of the whole party, and was followed by a si- 
 lence of several minutes. 
 
 The gentleman himself was the first to break it by stat- 
 ing that, as to himself, he had assumed (much against his 
 will) the arduous duties connected with the financial de- 
 partment, and must therefore decline being a candidate for 
 culinary honors ; but he did not doubt that an adept would 
 be found among some of the accomplished ladies present. 
 
 " Of course," said Mrs. Strongitharm, " since we have 
 resolved that all the work shall be done by members of the 
 society, in order to protect ourselves from contaminating 
 contact with those who do not conform to our peculiar 
 views, it is not only advisable, but necessary, to distribute 
 amongst us impartially the various duties of the estab- 
 lishment. As I am unfortunately ignorant of the culinary 
 art, I have decided to take the responsible office of house- 
 keeper, and therefore propose that Miss Griffin undertake 
 the more easy work of the kitchen." 
 
 "I shall do- no such thing," answered Miss Griffin. 
 " It may, perhaps, be proper that the oldest female in the 
 community should act as duenna to us younger ones. I 
 do not object ; and, as I feel myself peculiarly fitted for 
 the position of secretary, it seems to me eminently just 
 that the youngest lady should do the cooking." 
 
 " I will gladly do nry part in the household labors," 
 said Miss Goodenough ; " but am really quite ignorant 
 of kitchen work ; still I will cheerfully try to cook, if some 
 one will be so kind as to direct me." 
 
 After a protracted discussion, Miss Griffin consented to 
 instruct Miss Goodenough until such time as she should 
 be able to perform her work unaided. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0UV1LLE. 17 
 
 The two ladies then descended to the kitchen, where 
 Avith the assistance of Mr. Peewit a fire was started in 
 the immense range. This was a complicated structure, 
 built on the model of that in the hotel of the Metropolis, 
 and contained all the appurtenances requisite for provid- 
 ing meals for upwards of five hundred persons. 
 
 Raw materials for the supper had already been pro- 
 vided by the forethought of Professor Malpest, who, in addi- 
 tion to the duties of treasurer, had hitherto performed those 
 of general manager of the society. It had been observed 
 that although everything he did was done by the advice 
 of Dr. Goodenough, yet that this advice was invariably 
 given in accordance with suggestions that had emanated 
 from the professor himself. Flesh of course there was 
 none ; but there were flour, corn-meal, rice, macaroni, 
 sugar, potatoes, beans of many kinds, — in short, a small 
 grocery store complete. The ingredients were there but 
 the question was how to put them together. Miss Griffin, 
 who had undertaken to direct, was as ignorant as Miss 
 Goodenough, who was the executive. Some information 
 vouchsafed by the doctor in regard to the Grecian method 
 of making a bread called /xddda was of no assistance to 
 them whatever. The result was that they concocted a 
 number of pasty messes which were deposited, some in 
 the oven, and some in a frying-pan ; the former it being 
 hoped would turn into bread, while the latter was an at- 
 tempt at flapjacks. While the messes were baking and fry- 
 ing, Miss Goodenough thought it would be an excellent 
 opportunity to put her room in order, — Miss Griffin having 
 kindly offered to keep watch over the cooking, and see 
 that all went right during her absence ; but hardly had 
 Miss Goodenough left the kitchen, when Miss Griffin was 
 2* 
 
18 r/iE rniLOSopnEns of foufovville. 
 
 seized with an idea for her hitherto unpublished lecture 
 on the " Co-relation of the Sexes," and, in the inspiration 
 of the moment, bread and flapjacks were forgotten, as, 
 with paper and pencil in hand, the mental faculties of the 
 young lady became completely absorbed in making notes. 
 The consequence was, that when Mr. Peewit, who had 
 been dubbed waiter t came in with his tray, the flapjacks, 
 which had been frying for nearly an hour, presented an 
 appearance similar to that of the ancient parchments that 
 are dug up at Herculaneum, being burnt to cinders, while 
 the bread had a black crust an inch thick. The milk now 
 boiled over, and Mr. Peewit, Miss Griffin, and Miss 
 Goodenough in making a simultaneous effort to seize the 
 skillet, upset it, spilling its contents to the last drop. As 
 the butter, cheese, preserves, and other small delicacies 
 had not yet been received, the Harmonians were obliged 
 to content themselves with a frugal repast of burnt un- 
 leavened bread and water. 
 
 ""We must expect trials and tribulations, my dear 
 friends, at the beginning of our enterprise," said Dr. 
 Goodenough. " "What great work was ever achieved with- 
 out privations and sacrifices? Let us be thankful to 
 Divine Providence that he has given us these crusts, with 
 this pure water, the wine of Nature." 
 
 Professor Malpest said " Amen ; " but the expression of 
 bis face did not indicate a feeling of thankfulness. 
 
 " When I undertake to do a thing, I do it," said Mrs. 
 Strongitharm. 
 
 " It was the fault of the milk," said Miss Griffin. " If 
 that had not boiled over, I should not have overlooked the 
 bread ; but since my incapacity for such low work is 
 manifest, I hereby decline any further responsibility." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 19 
 
 As Miss Goodenough had burned her fingers in extricat- 
 ing the bread from the oven, and would consequently be 
 unable to resume the work, there was but one resource, 
 Mr. Peewit was installed cook for the following day. He 
 ventured upon a few words of remonstrance, but was ea- 
 sily silenced by a look from Mrs. Strongitharm, and the 
 words, " Sir, would you have me do it? " 
 
 After the simple, and — to all save Dr. Goodenough — 
 unsatisfactory supper, the company assembled in the 
 large reception room (now the packing apartment of the 
 Water-cure Establishment) . 
 
 " Papa," said Miss Goodenough, " this great unfurnished 
 room is dismal." 
 
 " My child," answered the doctor, " nothing should ap- 
 pear dismal to us, now that we have entered on our glori- 
 ous work. As to me, I am joyous, I am hilarious in antic- 
 ipation of the future. It is true that at present, in 
 consequence of the paucity of our numbers, the rooms 
 have a deserted appearance ; but soon you will see pil- 
 grims arriving from every land, and these vast halls will 
 be filled with a peaceful, contented, and loving multitude, 
 who will fly to this haven of refuge from the storms of 
 the outer world." \ 
 
 "This is the new ark," said Professor Malpest n and 
 Dr. Goodenough is its Noah." 
 
 " And are we the beasts ? " inquired Mr. Peewit. 
 
 The professor muttered something about " asses," but 
 it was not distinctly heard. 
 
 " My friends," said the doctor, " since music, as Aris- 
 totle tells us in the eighth book of his treatise on Gov- 
 ernment, acts upon the soul as gymnastics do upon the 
 body, and tends to lull the evil passions of our nature, 
 
20 THE PIllLOSOrnERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 let us pass the remaining hours of the evening with vocal 
 and instrumental harmony. "We will adjourn to the 
 music hall where brother Nicholas has already placed 
 the instruments. Charity will play on the harp, while 
 Miss Griffin, — Sister Minerva, — like a new Cecilia, 
 transports our souls to heaven on the melodeon." 
 
 " I will play the jews-harp," said Mr. Peewit. 
 
 " No, sir," answered Mrs. Strongitharm, sharply ; " you 
 will take your flageolet, on which you have alread}- had 
 same practice, and accompany me on the trombone." 
 
 " "We will all bear our part," said the doctor. " Brother 
 Nicholas we know is accomplished with his fiddle, and as, 
 in my wild and thoughtless youth, while still dazzled by 
 the tinsel and glitter of mundane shows, I acted as drum- 
 mer-boy to the 777th Reg. N. Y. S. M., — being perhaps 
 an inspiration of Providence to prepare me for present 
 usefulness, — I will play the kettle-drum." 
 
 The amateur musicians placed themselves before their 
 respective instruments ; but we will not attempt to de- 
 scribe the performance. Miss Charity, indeed, played well 
 on the harp, while the professor and Miss Minerva were 
 not unskilled on the violin and melodeon ; but there was 
 no one to mark the time, it being considered contrary to the 
 principles of the society for any one to be a leader in an}-- 
 thing. Hence discord dire and unexampled was the result. 
 In the midst of the softest strains of the harp and melodeon, 
 the flageolet would give a squeak, or the trombone resound 
 through the vacant halls with a boom like the last trump, 
 while the doctor without cessation pounded vigorously on 
 his kettle-drum. The good old gentleman was insensible 
 to the dreadful discord. He saw in his mind's eye the 
 hall thronged with a happy band of rejoicing and regener- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 21 
 
 ated Harmonians, and, in fancy, heard their thousand 
 voices raised in a chorus of praise and thanksgiving. 
 
 Jack, the pet poodle of Mrs. Strongitharm, and, accord- 
 ing to the "whispers of the malicious, the chief object of 
 her affections (for women, even the strong-minded, must 
 have somebody or something to love) , was frightened al- 
 most into fits by the direful clamor and cowered for 
 safety beside his mistress ; but a blast of the trombone 
 drove him thence, and he fled with his tail between his 
 legs, and trembling with terror, into the farthest corner 
 of the room. 
 
 A ring was heard at the door-bell, and the dog set up a 
 loud barking. 
 
 "Peewit," said Mrs. Strongitharm, pointing to the 
 door, which her obedient husband proceeded to open, hit- 
 ting the dog a rap over the head with his flageolet as he 
 passed. The beast howled. 
 
 " Wretch ! " screamed Mrs. Strongitharm, springing for- 
 ward and snatching up the poodle in her arms. 
 
 The howl and the scream so startled the musicians that, 
 with the exception of the doctor, they all stopped play- 
 ing ; the professor giving a sigh of relief as he laid down 
 his bow. As to the doctor he kept on beating his drum, 
 heedless of the interruption, and in fact quite unconscious 
 that he was playing solo. He perceived his error just 
 as Mr. Peewit re-entered the room accompanied by a 
 well-dressed young gentleman about twenty-four years 
 of age, with a carpet-bag in one hand and a flute in 
 the other. 
 
 " Leander Lovell ! " exclaimed the doctor, jumping up, 
 knocking over the kettle-drum, which rolled in a great 
 circle around the room, and giving the visitor a vigorous 
 
22 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 shake of the hand. " So you, too, have become converted. 
 This is really encouraging." 
 
 " I have come, sir," answered Mr. Lovell, " in the hope 
 of being received into the Society of New Utopians, — I 
 beg pardon, — I mean Harmonians." 
 
 All eyes were directed towards the new-comer ; those 
 of Professor Malpest with an indescribable expression, 
 but which certainly was not one of pleasure. Miss Good- 
 enough colored visibly. 
 
 " This is truly a triumph for the cause," said the doc- 
 tor, turning towards the company, and holding Lovell by 
 the hand. " Only a week ago my young friend was still 
 devoted to worldly pursuits, and my most convincing 
 arguments seemed lost upon him. He and brother Nich- 
 olas had a dispute in my presence, — I may even say, an 
 acrimonious dispute, — about the utility and practicability 
 of our enterprise. But, behold ! he is here. Such is the 
 power of reason. Did I not tell you it would be so? 
 Soon you will see them come streaming in by hun- 
 dreds and by thousands. "We must set about building a 
 new phalanstery at once. Brethren, welcome our new 
 brother." 
 
 The initiatory ceremonies of Mr. Lovell's reception into 
 the society consisted of a bow from Professor Malpest, 
 a nod and a grin from Mr. Peewit, a stiff courtesy from 
 Mrs. Strongitharm, a courtesy and a simper from Miss Grif- 
 fin, a furtive glance and a slight pressure of the hand 
 from Miss Goodenough. 
 
 " Brother Joseph," said the doctor to Mr. Peewit, 
 " Leander would doubtless like to partake of some refresh- 
 ment after his journey." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 23 
 
 " Let me give no trouble," answered Lovell ; " a bit of 
 cold meat will suffice, with a cigar afterwards." 
 
 " Meat ! Tobacco ! " exclaimed the doctor. 
 
 "Ah ! excuse me, I forgot," answered Lovell. 
 
 Mr. Peewit went out to cut some bread, there being 
 nothing else, accompanied by Mrs. Strongitharm, as if 
 to show him how to do it. 
 
 Miss Griffin left the apartment to prepare Mr. Lovell's 
 room for him. 
 
 " This is a glorious beginning," said the doctor, catch- 
 ing Professor Malpest by the button-hole ; "I feel posi- 
 tively hilarious." 
 
 " It is the happiest day of my life," answered the pro- 
 fessor, with a scowl as he observed Lovell conversing in 
 an undertone with Miss Goodenough, who was still seated 
 by her harp. 
 
 " Leander, this is a delightful surprise," said she ; 
 " are you in earnest in joining us ? " 
 
 " I shall remain as long as you do, Cherry," said he. 
 " When I called on your father a week ago, intending to 
 ask his consent to our marriage, Professor Malpest unfor- 
 tunately happened to be with him." 
 
 " The odious man ! " said Miss Charity. 
 
 " And as if the fellow divined the object of my com- 
 ing," continued Lovell, " he immediately drew me into a 
 discussion about this Quixotic scheme of your father's, 
 and, as I abhor dissimulation, I expressed my opinion in 
 rather stronger language than was becoming or prudent. 
 Fool that I was, not to perceive that in ridiculing the 
 New Utopians I was injuring my own prospects. Your 
 father became exceedingly indignant, and almost ordered 
 me out of the house. Malpest smiled, and I saw, when 
 
24 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 too late, that he had outwitted me ; but when I heard that 
 you had actually removed to Harmony Hall, I determined 
 on a coup de guerre, and have come here with the deliber- 
 ate intention of acting the hypocrite." 
 
 " How good of you, Lenny ! " said Miss Charity. 
 
 " I fancy our new brother's supper must be ready," said 
 Professor Malpest, taking advantage of a pause in the 
 doctor's self-congratulations. "He will not find it quite 
 equal to those to which he has been accustomed in the 
 metropolis ; but then, of course, he has not come amongst 
 us in search of pleasure." 
 
 " Of course," retorted Lovell, in a tone that was in- 
 tended to be significantly sarcastic ; " no one could be 
 base enough to join in Dr. Goodenough's philanthropical 
 projects from interested motives." 
 
 Mr. Peewit now looked in and nodded his head. 
 
 " Your bread and water await you, sir, in the banquet 
 hall," said the professor. 
 
 " A crust of bread, sir," answered Lovell, with a lofty 
 air, " will taste better to me here than fried oysters else- 
 where." 
 
 " Ha ! " cried the doctor, slapping him on the back, 
 " j^ou are a true Harmonian. Does not Marcus Aurelius 
 tell us that to be happy we have only to regard with 
 indifference that which is of itself indifferent ? And do 
 we not all know that the pleasures of this world are of 
 little account?" 
 
 The evening concluded with a simple prayer by Dr. 
 Goodenough. He thanked his Creator for his numberless 
 blessings, and invoked his aid in the prosecution of the 
 great work so auspiciously commenced that day. 
 
 Professor Malpest responded with a loud " Amen." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 25 
 
 When the parties separated for the night, Peewit, from 
 sheer force of habit, was about to follow his wife, but she 
 almost petrified him with an indignant look and the words, 
 " Sir, you forget where you are. Your apartment is at 
 the other end of the house." 
 3 
 
26 THE pniLOSOPnERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 In which Matters and Things at Harmony Hall are ar- 
 ranged to the Satisfaction of Everybody. 
 
 It was Dr. Goodenougk's intention to so regulate the 
 internal economy of his household that the community 
 should be entirely self-supporting, and the phalanstery 
 contain within its bounds all that could be needed for the 
 corporeal or spiritual wants of its inhabitants, so that 
 they might dwell perpetually in a world of their own, free 
 from the contaminating influence of those whose ways 
 were not their ways. In pursuance of this plan it was 
 intended that all the work should be done by the II ar- 
 monians themselves, and a division of labor was agreed 
 upon, by which the gentlemen were to attend to the out- 
 of-doors work, while the ladies took charge of the house- 
 hold duties. This arrangement was not only assented to, 
 but was actually recommended, by the ladies themselves, 
 notwithstanding it was the method that prevailed outside 
 of the precincts of Harmony Hall, and notwithstanding 
 Mrs. Strongitharm's oft-repeated assertion, that " woman 
 was capable of doing whatever man could do/' But the 
 first day's experience of this system demonstrated the 
 impossibility of carrying it out to the letter until some 
 more useful proselytes should arrive. 
 
 The brothers and sisters had assembled in the banquet 
 hall for breakfast, the set hour for which had long passed, 
 when a loud cry for aid was heard from the kitchen. Mr. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0VV1LLE. 27 
 
 Peewit, the cook, had rashly undertaken to provide boiled 
 rice for the morning meal, and had accordingly filled a 
 large pot with the cereal, and then poured in water up to 
 the brim. As the mixture became warm the rice began 
 to swell, and Peewit to skim it off. But, as the mess grew 
 hotter and hotter, the rice swelled faster and faster ; and 
 by the time the water boiled, the bewildered Peewit, who 
 had filled every plate, dish, and other utensil at hand with 
 rice, and beheld it still rising over the pot, and dropping 
 and hissing on the hot stove, as lava pours from Vesuvius, 
 became apprehensive that the stuff was bewitched, and 
 yelled for assistance. The ludicrous sight that met the 
 eyes of the company, when they rushed into the kitchen, 
 convinced them that Peewit had not yet found his Voca- 
 tion. 
 
 The attempt of the Harmonians to carry on the agri- 
 cultural operations of the phalanstery, by their own un- 
 aided labor, began as unsuccessfully as their abortive 
 experiments in cooking. As it was quite time to com- 
 mence ploughing, the implement was got ready (for the 
 foresight of Professor Malpest had provided for every- 
 thing) , and the doctor marshalled his forces for the work. 
 As none of the gentlemen had any practical knowledge 
 of the use of the plough, Mr. Lovell proposed that Mrs. 
 Strongitharm should turn a few furrows, as women were 
 so much superior to men ; but the lady indignantly rejected 
 the proposition, and, giving Lovell a withering glance, 
 delegated the duty to Peewit, saying, " We are both one." 
 
 Mr. Peewit accordingly grasped the reins in one hand, 
 and the handle of the plough in the other, and rather hesi- 
 tatingly ordered the horse to " get up." The docile ani- 
 mal obeyed the figurative order, but, in starting, jerked 
 
28 THE rniLOSOPUERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 the reins out of Peewit's hands. The gentleman ran for 
 ward to catch them, and, in doing so, inadvertently pin 
 his foot in front of the plough, the consequence being that 
 a furrow was made in his flesh instead of in the ground, 
 which made him feelingly aware that though flesh and 
 dust may be chemically and theologically similar, there: 
 is, nevertheless, some occult difference between them. A 
 stone that fortunately stood in the way of the share partly 
 protected the foot, so that the injury was slight, but it 
 obliged Peewit (not much against his will) to give up 
 work for the rest of the day. 
 
 Lovell now took the reins, but, never having ploughed 
 through anything harder or deeper than the mud in the 
 streets of New York, his efforts to turn the sod were 
 quite unsuccessful. 
 
 Peewit and Lovell having failed, the doctor tried his 
 hand. He made a pretty good start, and looked around 
 with a somewhat triumphant expression at his crestfallen 
 competitors, but the plough catching in a root, the old gen- 
 tleman was thrown violently on the ground, where he sat 
 gazing in bewildered amazement as the horse trotted off 
 by himself. 
 
 Professor Malpest now undertook the work ; but he 
 made a furrow only about two and a half inches deep, 
 which was pronounced by all present, and by none more 
 loudly than himself, to be a lamentable failure. 
 
 The necessity of extraneous aid was now apparent, 
 even the doctor acknowledging the fact, though with a 
 heavy heart; so the professor posted to the city, where 
 he engaged the seiwices of a red-haired Irish woman, 
 named Bridget O'Brien, as cook, and of Mary Short, a 
 neat, tidy girl, as chambermaid and waitress, while a 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 29 
 
 Welchman, one John Long, was hired as gardener, or 
 rather rnan-of-all-work. 
 
 Oar limited time and space will not permit us to give a 
 detailed account of the daily doings at Harmony Hall, 
 nor perhaps are the events themselves of sufficient inter- 
 est to the public to warrant our doing so, nor is it neces- 
 sary to our purpose that we should state more than a few 
 of the most important occurrences that took place, leav- 
 ing in oblivion those trivial incidents on which an inferior 
 writer would expatiate ; our object in this narrative being 
 simply to present to the reader a succinct and impartial 
 account of the causes of the decline and fall of the Society 
 of Harmonians (popularly known as the New Utopians), 
 and the consequent unfortunate failure of Dr. Goode- 
 nough's philanthropical projects for the amelioration of 
 the condition of mankind, — projects that have been much 
 misrepresented by a prejudiced and conservative press, 
 which, not content with occasional abuse, has actually 
 been known to ridicule them, and even to speak of the 
 doctor himself with levity; but such was ever the fate 
 of those who were in advance of their age, and have 
 sought to benefit their ungrateful species. Socrates and 
 Joe Smith are familiar examples. 
 
 John Long, fortunately for the community, proved to 
 be a faithful and efficient man, and at once began ploughing 
 and planting in earnest. He grumbled a good deal at 
 first at the necessity of a vegetable diet, declaring that he 
 could not work without meat, and would have to leave 
 unless it was provided for him. It was in vain that the 
 doctor argued with him for more than an hour, quoting 
 freely from Galen and Hippocrates, and holding up the 
 example of the Pythagoreans ; the Welshman was obdu- 
 3* 
 
30 THE PIIILOSOPIIEES OF FOVFOUVILLE. 
 
 rate. But where the doctor had not succeeded the pro- 
 fessor prevailed, and, after a five minutes' discussion, so 
 completely satisfied Long with his lot, that he cheerfully 
 consented to remain. 
 
 The professor could not be induced to reveal the argu- 
 ments by which he had wrought so sudden a conversion. 
 
 "The modesty of Brother Nicholas is equal to his 
 merit," said the doctor. 
 
 It was not until the final breaking up at Harmony Hall 
 that Bridget, the cook, divulged the secret, that the pro- 
 fessor, in consideration of the fact that Long was not an 
 actual member of the society, allowed him a weekly 
 ration of one rump of beef, and stewed kidneys ad libitum, 
 all of which was cooked surreptitiously at night. 
 
 The domestics being installed, everybody appeared to 
 be contented. The doctor withdrew into his study, where, 
 surrounded by a pile of huge volumes, he busied himself 
 in preparing (against the advice of his publisher) a new 
 edition of his three immortal works, " The New Utopia," 
 "The Regeneration of Man," and " Physiological Studies 
 on the Development of Healthy Offspring." He kept up a 
 voluminous correspondence with reformers and enthusi- 
 asts, male and female, in different parts of the world, and 
 also devoted much time to the consideration of various 
 plans, projects, and designs connected with the carrying 
 out of his benevolent scheme (none of which, unhappily, 
 were realized). From time to time he would emerge 
 from his seclusion, in order to see what was going on, 
 and to give advice to everybody. 
 
 " Should the sexes be evenly divided," he said, one day, 
 " there will be five hundred brothers and as many sisters 
 in each phalanstery. Four hundred and twenty-five of 
 
THE PIULOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 31 
 
 the men will be obliged to devote themselves to agricul- 
 ture, so as to provide subsistence for themselves and the 
 rest of the community ; fifty of them will be engaged in 
 manufacturing the clothing and numberless miscellaneous 
 articles needed, while the bakers, carpenters, blacksmiths, 
 etc., will comprise the rest ; but what to do with all the 
 women I cannot determine. This is a problem that has 
 caused me much anxious thought and serious disquietude." 
 
 Miss Griffin suggested that they be married to the five 
 hundred men. 
 
 Mr. Peewit said they would have enough to do as 
 nurses to all the children ; whereupon Mrs. Strongitharm 
 requested him to be so good as to keep his advice to 
 himself until it was asked. She could keep the women at 
 work. 
 
 Miss Goodenough and Mr. Lovell declined to express 
 an opinion, as they had not thought of the matter at all. 
 
 Professor Malpest said that he had considered this em- 
 barrassing subject profoundly ; and, after long meditation 
 upon it, had come to the conclusion that it would perhaps 
 be advisable to wait until the parties had actually arrived, 
 before endeavoring to decide it. 
 
 The professor, as financier and general manager, was 
 the most busy man in the establishment, with the excep- 
 tion of the doctor. Mr. Lovell offered his services as 
 book-keeper, but with singular self-abnegation the profes- 
 sor declined them, saying, " he could find time, between 
 the intervals of his other labors, to keep the accounts 
 himself." 
 
 The doctor, however, occasionally had work for Lovell 
 in the office. 
 
32 tiie rniLOSOPHEits of foufouville. 
 
 Mrs. Strongitharm was an exacting, if not tyrannical 
 and overbearing house-keeper. 
 
 Miss Griffin continued making notes on " the co-rela- 
 tion of the sexes." 
 
 Miss Goodenougk passed her time in worsted work and 
 embroidery. 
 
 As to Messrs. Lovell and Peewit, they undertook to 
 assist John Long on the farm, — he to do the ploughing, the 
 harrowing, the digging, the heavy work in short ; while 
 they did the hoeing, planting, trimming, etc. ; but, al- 
 though he kept a sharp eye on them, they made so many 
 mistakes, planting the peas in hills, sowing the melon- 
 seed and corn broadcast, pulling up his early spring rad- 
 ishes, which they mistook for weeds, and committing such 
 other enormities, that he finally begged them, as a favor, to 
 bestow their services on some one else. 
 
 " Vegetables," said Miss Griffin, " are merely coarse 
 food for the body ; but flowers, beautiful flowers, speak 
 the voice of nature to the mind, and feed the soul with 
 inspiration." 
 
 " Oh, how I doat on flowers ! " said Miss Charity. 
 
 So the two gentlemen — to the relief of Long — set 
 themselves to work to lay out a garden in rear of the 
 building. The ground plan was not unlike that of a 
 church ; for there was a broad walk down the middle, and 
 one on each side, like the three aisles, while at the lower 
 end, a grove of trees, between which they constructed 
 some rustic seats, would do for the chancel. 
 
 Mr. Peewit proposed to put a fountain in the centre ; 
 but the water supply proved an insuperable difficult}'-. 
 Lovell thought it might be accomplished by the aid of a 
 ram ; but as Peewit did not think a ram could be equal to 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 33 
 
 a single horse-power, and the horse was needed in the 
 field operations, the project was abandoned. 
 
 Thus, for a week or two, everything went on serenely 
 at Harmony Hall. Compared with the New Utopians, 
 the Happy Family at the museum was merely a collection 
 of discontented prisoners. But this felicity was apparent 
 rather than real. Clouds were gathering, as will be nar- 
 rated in the next chapter. 
 
34 THE PniLOSOMERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Symptoms of Discord appear in Harmony Hall. 
 
 One afternoon Miss Griffin, pencil and tablets in hand 
 as usual, seated herself under the trees at the end of the 
 garden, as if with literary intentions. Miss Goodenough 
 was planting some rosebushes, while Messrs. Lovell and 
 Peewit were exceedingly busy sowing seeds along the 
 borders near the side walls. And we will mention here 
 that when the young plants came up a week or so after- 
 wards, the two ladies were quite surprised to find that 
 they formed the words, " Charity," and " Minerva," ap- 
 parently written on the earth in the softest green. Mr. 
 Peewit said that the latter was a token of gratitude for 
 the bread poultice with which Miss Griffin had dressed 
 his injured foot ; for this young lady, having attended 
 some lectures at the Female Medical College, had consti- 
 tuted herself the physician and surgeon of Harmony Hall. 
 The secretaryship had been appropriated by Professor 
 Malpest. 
 
 She was soon joined by Miss Goodenough, who sat 
 down by her side to rest a while, as she said, although the 
 true reason was that she had been annoyed by the pro- 
 fessor staring at her from his office window. 
 
 " My dear," said Miss Griffin, — for such was the affec- 
 tionate epithet with which she usually addressed Miss 
 Goodenough, — " my dear, have you not observed some- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 35 
 
 thing peculiar of late in the manner of Professor Malpest 
 towards a certain lady in this establishment ? " 
 
 Now here it may be well to observe that the professor 
 was always obsequiously polite to the sex in general with- 
 out regard to age or beauty ; and this extreme courtesy 
 being something to which Miss Griffin was not accus- 
 tomed, she had taken it in the vanity of her heart, as a 
 tribute of admiration to herself. We will furthermore 
 state that Miss Goodenough had noticed that while the 
 gentleman was polite to all, he was particularly deferen- 
 tial and attentive to her. In the music hall the violin 
 •and harp were placed side by side, while the flute was 
 posted on the opposite side of the orchestra. Whenever 
 she and Mr. Lovell commenced working in the garden 
 together, the professor was almost certain to make his 
 appearance, and bore them with a dissertation on horti- 
 culture, or some other subject, apparently forgetful of the 
 old adage that three spoil company. If they persisted 
 in continuing their work together, he would leave them 
 after a while, but his exit was invariably followed by a 
 message from her father asking her to come and recite 
 her Greek .lesson, or to practise some new piece on the 
 harp, which not unfrequently was a duet with the violin. 
 
 All this Miss Charity had remarked, and she therefore 
 naturally supposed that Miss Griffin's question had refer- 
 ence to herself. And were we writing a romance, and 
 were she our heroine, it would be our duty to make her 
 answer in the affirmative ; but, as we are merely giving a 
 faithful and impartial account of some of the events that 
 took place at Harmony Hall, we feel constrained to ac- 
 knowledge that, with a most reprehensible disregard for 
 strict veracity, she replied that she had not observed any- 
 
36 the pnnosornEns of foufoufizle. 
 
 thing peculiar in the professor's manner towards anybody. 
 "Why she answered thus, we do not know. Being of the 
 male sex, we cannot pretend to fathom the motives of 
 woman. Could it have been an affectation of modesty, 
 or that love of dissimulation which is said to be inborn 
 in the sex? Truly, as Miss Griffin asserted, there is a 
 fundamental difference between the sexes. Were one 
 man to insinuate to another that he had made a favorable 
 impression on a lady's heart, how few would deny the 
 soft impeachment ! 
 
 Miss Griffin seemed somewhat taken aback at Miss, 
 Goodenough's answer, and replied, — 
 
 "Then all I have to say is, that some folks can't see 
 with their eyes open." 
 
 "Listen to me, Minerva Griffin," said Miss Charity; 
 " that odious man may, or may not be serious in his at- 
 tentions to me, but of this you can rest assured, I never, 
 never will have him." 
 
 " Why, my dear, foolish child," cried the elder lady, 
 "do you -suppose he is thinking of you! A man of his 
 years and attainments wants a woman of corresponding 
 qualifications." 
 
 " Then all I have to say is, that I hope he may get 
 what he deserves," answered Miss Charity, with perhaps 
 a slight touch of malice. 
 
 "And what does he not deserve," replied Miss Griffin, 
 enthusiastically ; " a man of such elevated sentiments, so 
 accomplished, so delicate, is worthy of any woman's es- 
 teem. But how true is ihe old sa3'ing, that only mind 
 can appreciate mind ! You are as yet too young and 
 thoughtless, my dear, to comprehend that sweet inter- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 37 
 
 communion of soul with soul, thatje ne sais quoi, that — 
 Why, look ! here he comes through the garden." 
 
 " Then I shall escape this way," said Miss Charity ; 
 and, suiting the action to the word, she hastily passed out 
 of the grove, and directed her steps to the melon-patch 
 where Mr. Lovell was trying to remedy his error of hav- 
 ing sown the seeds broadcast. 
 
 The elder lady took up her pencil and tablets and be- 
 gan writing. She at once became so absorbed in her 
 occupation that she seemed quite startled and looked up 
 with an air of surprise when Professor Malpest stood be- 
 fore her a moment afterwards. He appeared somewhat 
 flustered at finding himself in the presence of Miss 
 Griffin, who observed the change in his countenance, and 
 assumed a responsive appearance of embarrassment. 
 
 " Pardon me, madam," stammered the gentleman, " I 
 was not aware that you were here — that is to say — 
 alone. I will not interrupt your meditations ; I will 
 withdraw." 
 
 "It is no interruption I assure you," cried the lady, 
 as the professor was backing out. " I was merely jotting 
 down a few ideas according to the inspiration of the 
 moment. Woman's equality with man will one day be 
 recognized." 
 
 " She is superior, madam, superior," answered the 
 professor, with a bow. 
 
 " That is too much to claim for all women," said Miss 
 Griffin. 
 
 "But some are," replied the gentleman, looking sig- 
 nificantly at the lady, who modestly cast down Irer eyes, 
 not knowing that he would have said and done the same 
 thing had any other of the sex been in her place. 
 4 
 
38 THE PniLOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUFILLE. 
 
 " Woman was not created to exist alone," said the 
 lady, after a pause. 
 
 " Nor man either," answered" the professor. 
 
 " I believe," said Miss Minerva, " it was a Greek 
 philosopher who gave utterance to that beautiful idea of 
 the duality of the soul, — that each man and woman pos- 
 sesses but the half of one, and hence each is constantly 
 seeking its mate." 
 
 "I am afraid," said the professor, "that the right 
 halves don't often come together." 
 
 " Alas ! it is too true," replied the lady ; " and the 
 reason is because, in obedience to the requirements of 
 puritanical laws, — 
 
 " ' Woman still must veil tho shrino 
 Where feeling hides Love's fire divine.' 
 
 But I scorn to be shackled by public opinion ; I am 
 above the petty prejudices of the age. Nature is my 
 guide. Do you not agree with me that society requires 
 a radical change? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, madam, — certainly," answered the professor, 
 somewhat abstractedly, as he caught sight of two figures 
 in the distant melon-patch. 
 
 " I knew that your sentiments accorded with mine," 
 said Miss Minerva ; " such is the power of sympathy. 
 And may I ask if you have never experienced that yearn- 
 ing of the soul, that longing of the heart for one congenial 
 spirit to minister to your happiness ? " 
 
 " "Well, madam," answered the gentleman, " since you 
 put the»question to me directly, I will confess that I have 
 sometimes thought it might be advisable for me to get a 
 wife." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 39 
 
 " One," said Miss Minerva, " of an affectionate, con- 
 fiding, artless disposition, whose intellectual and physical 
 powers are in full bloom." 
 
 " All that is desirable, of course," said Professor Mal- 
 pest. 
 
 " I have already divined your thoughts," said the lady, 
 laying her hand on the professor's arm. He started 
 slightly as he fixed his keen black eyes upon her. " You 
 have been seen watching' her as she moved about ; and I 
 have noticed the almost imperceptible confusion in your 
 manner when addressing her ; your apparent endeavor to 
 avoid her at times when she has sought to converse with 
 you, as if you feared the effect of the interview. And 
 now, sir, know that the lady has not been insensible to 
 your attentions ; know that your feelings are recipro- 
 cated." 
 
 "Are you sure of what you say?" said the professor, 
 with unfeigned surprise. 
 
 " I ought to be sure of it," answered Miss Griffin, " for 
 no one knows her heart better than I do." 
 
 " True," muttered the professor to himself, "they have 
 been much together of late ; and then these women can't 
 keep anything to themselves." 
 
 " And has not the passional attraction of Nature 
 already whispered it to you ? " continued Miss Minerva, 
 casting down her eyes. 
 
 "Can't say it has," replied the gentleman; "in fact, 
 she has always acted as if her preference — was rather — 
 given to another ; and I was induced to think that such 
 was the case." 
 
 " How easily you men are deceived ! " said Miss Griffin. 
 
40 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVJLLE. 
 
 " You have not that intuitive perception of motives pos- 
 sessed by us." 
 
 " I must confess," answered Professor Malpest, " I did 
 not suppose that any one had penetrated my design." 
 
 " Now that you are discovered,", said the lad} T , archly, 
 " I presume you will not hesitate to speak openly." 
 
 "I do not think it best to be precipitate," answered 
 the gentleman, "because I fear Dr. Goodenough might 
 not be willing to consent as yet on account of her age." 
 
 Miss Griffin was completely thunderstruck (metaphori- 
 cally) by this observation of the professor's, and not 
 knowing exactly how to take it, but feeling considerably 
 nettled, she replied, in a somewhat indignant tone, as 
 follows, — 
 
 " I know not, sir, why Dr. Goodenough need be con- 
 sulted. Were the lady as old as yourself, it might be 
 inferred that you coincided in his peculiar views, as to the 
 object of matrimony." 
 
 " I should not trouble myself about his cranks, if I once 
 possessed her," said Malpest ; " but before marrying her 
 there are certain preliminary financial arrangements that 
 I wish to make." 
 
 " Men are ever calculating and worldly," replied Miss 
 Griffin ; " even love cannot make them lose sight of their 
 dollars and cents. How different is woman ! — the creature 
 of impulse. But I shall say no more, sir. Perhaps I 
 have erred in saying so much ; but woman was ever 
 artless and open. Speak to the doctor, if you think it 
 necessary." And with a half angry, half reproachful 
 glance at the professor, the still irate maiden stalked 
 majestically out of the grove, and passed through the 
 garden into the house. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 41 
 
 " What the devil can be the matter with the woman? " 
 said Professor Malpest to himself. " Because she fancies 
 Charity has a penchant for me (it is not impossible that 
 the girl has been imposing upon her for some ulterior 
 object), she gets into a huff because I propose asking the 
 consent of the child's father. Queer creatures — women ! 
 I did not think the fruit was ripe ; but there may possibly 
 be some truth in what she says, after all ; and, if not, why 
 what the girl fancies, or don't fancy, is of little conse- 
 quence. Delays are dangerous. I will hesitate no 
 longer." And so soliloquizing, the professor directed his 
 steps towards the little room that the doctor called his 
 study. 
 
 Now it so happened that there was a stove-pipe hole 
 through the ceiling of the doctor's study into the room 
 above it, on the second story, which was used by Miss 
 Griffin as a dressing-room. The lady was walking up 
 and down the floor, really somewhat agitated after her 
 interview with the professor, but in her own mind greatly 
 exaggerating what in her journal she calls " those suffer- 
 ings caused by conflicting emotions in a sensitive bosom, 
 which almost overpowered me," when she distinctly heard 
 the voice of the professor, in conversation with the doctor, 
 in the room below. The conflicting emotions would seem 
 about this time to have been too much for Miss Griffin, 
 for she sank down upon the floor directly alongside of the 
 stove-pipe hole, thus unavoidably overhearing the conver- 
 sation between the two gentlemen. It is said that listen- 
 ers never hear any good of themselves, and Miss Griffin 
 was destined to be no exception to the rule. 
 
 " The propagation of our species," said Professor Mal- 
 pest, " is one of the primal laws of our being, and mar- 
 
42 THE rUILOSOPBERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 
 
 riage is the means whereby we are enabled to carry out 
 that law. My conscience tells me that I have been dere- 
 lict to my duty, in having so long delayed the fulfilment 
 of that sacred obligation." 
 
 "My dear brother," answered the doctor, "to those 
 who, like myself, have once complied with the divine 
 injunction, and been released from their bonds by the 
 severance of these mortal ties, I should not advise a repe- 
 tition ; but with those who, like yourself, have never 
 entered into the connubial state, I regard the intention 
 of doing so as eminently wise and meritorious. May I 
 ask if you have selected any one for the purpose of joining 
 you in the accomplishment of your desires ? " 
 
 " I have thought of no one as yet," answered the pro- 
 fessor. (" "What dissimulation ! " said Miss Minerva to 
 herself; " but such is man.") " My strong sense of duty, 
 however, will not allow me to dela} r longer, and I have 
 come to you to ask counsel of your wisdom and experi- 
 ence in the choice of a suitable partner for the work." 
 
 "It appears to me," said the doctor, after meditating 
 for some time, " that sister Minerva possesses the requi- 
 site qualifications." 
 
 The professor made an exceedingly wry face, which, 
 however, was not perceived by the lady who sat smiling 
 and blushing by the stove-pipe hole. 
 
 " Miss Griffin is doubtless an estimable person," an- 
 swered the professor ; " but surely, sir, you would not 
 have this solemn engagement entered into where no afiec- 
 tion existed between the parties ? " 
 
 ("No affection!" murmured Miss Minerva. "What 
 can the man mean ? ") 
 
 "Aifection," replied the doctor, "is not absolutely 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 43 
 
 essential to the successful fulfilment of the divine com- 
 mand, to increase* and multiply. Mutual respect, of 
 course, there should be ; but more than this, my dear 
 brother, leads to the seeking of mere carnal gratification, 
 in which the great end to be obtained is lost sight of." 
 
 "It is certain," said the professor, "that there would 
 be no danger of any gratification of the senses with Miss 
 Griffin." ("Oh, the slanderous wretch ! " muttered the 
 incensed young woman.) "But I fear it would be diffi- 
 cult to have the requisite respect for a lady who wears 
 false hair." 
 
 ("The monster!" exclaimed Miss Griffin, "to speak 
 thus of my water-fall ! To traduce a virtuous woman 
 behind her back ! But I'll be revenged for this.") 
 
 " I respect your scruples," said the doctor, " but know 
 of no other to recommend until our numbers are increased 
 by the thousands now doubtless on the way to join us." 
 
 There was a long pause, and then Professor Malpest 
 tried a change of base. 
 
 " We must be careful that no black sheep find their 
 way into the fold," said he ; " in truth, I am fearful that 
 there are some such here now ; persons who have joined 
 our society from worldly motives." 
 
 "I am astonished," said the doctor. "Can such a* 
 thing be possible ? Whom do you suspect ? " 
 
 " Youth is the age of frivolity and unruly passions," 
 answered the professor. "It is only with the calmness 
 of mature years that a man can properly comprehend, and 
 truly live up to, the sublime doctrines of the New Utopia. 
 The entry of a young man amongst us looks suspicious. 
 We should be on our guard against all such." 
 
 " There are none with us at present," replied the doc- 
 
44 the rniLOsornEiiS of foufouville. 
 
 tor, " excepting the son of my deceased friend, Lovell. 
 He long seemed insensible to the irrefutable logic of my 
 arguments ; but reason finally prevailed, and I regard his 
 conversion as one of the most remarkable triumphs of my 
 life." 
 
 " Such sudden conversions are not to be relied on." 
 
 "Brother," said the doctor, "I fear that your long 
 intercourse "with the world has rendered 3'ou too mistrust- 
 ful. What possible inducement of a worldly nature could 
 that youth have for joining us?" 
 
 " Perhaps, sir, sister Charity could give you some in- 
 formation on that point." 
 
 " Charity is a mere child. "What do you mean? " 
 
 " Parents," answered the professor, " are very apt to 
 regard children as children, until they are such no longer. 
 Miss Charity is young, it is true, but still she is verging 
 on that age — that age — when the feelings of the girl are 
 deepened into the passions of the woman." 
 
 " Really, brother Nicholas, you alarm me," said the 
 doctor. " If this is unfortunately true, what is best to 
 be done ? " 
 
 " I would advise," said the professor, " that she be 
 united to one who, through the holy ceremony of mar- 
 riage, can enable her chastely to fulfil her woman's mis- 
 sion, — to one whose stormy youth is over, and who adds 
 to the. calmness of middle age a profound veneration for 
 yourself and the noble precepts you have inculcated." 
 
 (No more of this conversation, we regret to say, has 
 come down to us.) 
 
 " A light breaks in^upon me," exclaimed Miss Minerva. 
 " Oh, how that villain has deceived me ! " 
 
 " Who has been deceiving you ? " said Mrs. Strongitharm, 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 45 
 
 entering the room. " You ought to be ashamed of your- 
 self, to let a man take advantage of you. I've no patience 
 with people who can't protect themselves. No man ever 
 yet got the upper hand of me." 
 
 " Nor ever tried to, I presume," answered Miss Griffin, 
 who had no love for the house-keeper, notwithstanding she 
 was a masculine personage. 
 
 " You are an ungrateful, weak-spirited hussy," replied 
 Mrs. Strongitharm, " and I shall have no more to say to 
 
 you." 
 
 " I can survive the loss, madam," answered Miss 
 Griffin. 
 
 " A pretty scandal you are bringing on the community," 
 said Mrs. Strongitharm. " And who is your paramour, 
 pray? Is it the young man, Lovell? If so, I shall have 
 you both discharged." 
 
 "Leave my apartment, madam," cried Miss Griffin, 
 vehemently. 
 
 "I am the superior of this establishment," replied the 
 house-keeper, haughtily, " and go when and where I will." 
 
 "I recognize no superior, here or elsewhere." 
 
 " Minx ! " 
 
 "Minx! Do you presume to call me 'minx,' — vile 
 man-woman." 
 
 " Saucy jade ! you shall suffer for this impertinence," 
 said Mrs. Strongitharm, leaving the room and slamming 
 the door as a parting shot. 
 
 The tiff with the other lady had kept up Miss Griffin's 
 spirits, but now that she found herself alone, the discom- 
 fited young woman felt the full force of the shock which 
 both her pride and her feelings had received through the 
 
46 TEE PniLOSOPEERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 stove-pipe hole, and, throwing herself on the sofa, she 
 ■wept with rage and mortification. 
 
 She heard a slight tap on the door, and in response to 
 her summons to enter, Peewit, who was still lame, 
 hopped in hesitatingly, and looking furtively behind him. 
 In one hand he had a hot bread poultice, and in the other 
 a bouquet, consisting of a great red dahlia surrounded by 
 buttercups, dandelions, johnny-jumpers, and piny flowers. 
 
 "You don't look well, miss," said the gentleman. 
 "Has Mrs. Strongitharm made you sick? Is there an} r - 
 thing I can do for you ? " 
 
 "You are a good kind soul, Peewit," answered the 
 lachy, " and I am grateful for the sympathy expressed in 
 your face ; but a woman's deep nature is beyond your ken. 
 Accept my thanks for these beautiful children of the wild- 
 wood. Such delicate attentions speak to the heart. 
 How's your foot ? " 
 
 " Ah ! Miss Minerva; how I wish Mrs. Strongitharm 
 was like 3 r ou. She don't make tender inquiries about my 
 hurt. She only calls me an awkward booby, and says I 
 got just what I deserved. It is getting well ; thanks to 
 you." 
 
 Peewit putting his foot on a chair, Miss Griffin skilfully 
 undid the bandages, and dressed it with the poultice. 
 
 In the mean while, Lovell, getting tired of unearthing 
 the scattered melon-seeds, — a work that seemed inter- 
 minable, for every morning he would find a dozen young 
 sprouts where he had pulled up one the day before, — left 
 the patch, and walked hand in hand with Charity to the 
 grove, in order to rest a while after his labor. 
 
 " I will go to your father this very day," said he, " and 
 ask his consent to our immediate marriasre." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 47 
 
 " Oh, how happy we will be ! " said she. 
 
 " In our own cottage," said he. 
 
 " I am afraid, Lenny, that my father will not consent 
 to my going away from him, and I should really regret to 
 leave him." 
 
 " I hope," answered Lovell, "that he will in time see 
 the impracticability of his present scheme, and the folly 
 of sacrificing his own interests and yours for the sake of 
 those who have no claim upon him, and some of whom 
 are perhaps taking advantage of his kindness of heart 
 for their own selfish ends ; but do you suppose that, when 
 you are my wife, I could abide by the absurd rules of this 
 establishment ? You know that husbands and wives are 
 not allowed to — are kept apart, except" — 
 
 Cherry put her hand over her lover's mouth . He pressed 
 it to his lips, and, holding it in his, they held a long and 
 earnest conversation, the purport of which we have been 
 unable to discover. 
 
 Their tender colloquy was interrupted by the approach 
 of Professor Malpest, whom they saw coming through the 
 garden. When that gentleman reached the grove, he 
 found Miss Charity quietly engaged in embroidering the 
 initials L. L. in the corner of a cambric handkerchief, 
 while Mr. Lovell was exceedingly busy trimming the 
 trees. 
 
 " Miss Goodenough," said the professor, " I regret to 
 disturb you when engaged in such agreeable occupation ; 
 but your father has desired me to bid you go to him imme- 
 diately as he wishes to speak to you." 
 
 Charity rose and went towards the house. The profes- 
 sor started to accompany her, when Lovell called him 
 back to ask his opinion as to the best way of trimming 
 
48 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUTILLE. 
 
 the trees. Malpest, who understood the object of this 
 questioning, advised him to lop them off an inch above 
 the ground ; adding that it would indirectly benefit the 
 melon-patch. 
 
 " Brother Nicholas is facetious," said Lovell. 
 
 "It is better to be merry than sad," said Malpest, 
 " and I feel happy to see brother Leander exerting his 
 talents to such good purpose." 
 
 " I am glad you appreciate my efforts, sir," answered 
 Lovell, " and doubt not that you will congratulate me 
 when you hear that they have met with their reward." 
 
 "I presume nryj-oung friend has heard of the individ- 
 ual who counted his chickens before the eggs were 
 hatched?" 
 
 " Yes, sir ; and also of the fox that was caught in his 
 own trap." 
 
 The two gentlemen continued to bandy words together 
 for some time ; the dialogue being politely sarcastic on 
 the pai't of the professor, and cuttingly ironical (or at 
 least he thought so), on the part of Lovell. Both were 
 becoming animated, if not heated, by the verbal skirmish, 
 when it was interrupted by the arrival of Mrs. Strongi- 
 tharm, who came into the garden, and beckoned to the 
 professor in a mysterious manner to come to her, casting 
 at the same time sinister glances at Lovell. 
 
 This gentleman went on with his work of spoiling the 
 trees, while the others held a whispered conference. The 
 lady soon seemed to become somewhat excited and he dis- 
 tinctly heard Malpest say, — 
 
 " It is too good to be true." 
 
 " Good, sir ! " exclaimed Mrs. Strongitharm, aloud. 
 " Do you call it good? It is a scandal, — an abomination." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 49 
 
 Oh, yes! certainly, of course," answered the other. 
 " It is a crime, a sin." 
 
 A stain on Harmonianism," continued Mrs. Strong- 
 itharm ; and they must be turned out of the establishment 
 before they corrupt the whole community." 
 
 "By Jove! the suggestion is good," replied Malpest; 
 " an example should be made of them. Let us go at 
 once and consult the doctor." 
 
 The parties then] entered the house, while Lovell sat 
 down on a bench and amused himself by cutting thereon 
 the following cabalistic figure. 
 
 &S*G2 
 
 .•^ 
 
 When Charity entered her father's presence, in obedi- 
 ence to his summons, the old gentleman took her by the 
 hand, and led her to a chair. The young girl knew, by 
 his solemn deportment, that something important was 
 coming. 
 
 "My daughter," said he, seating himself before her, 
 " you are now verging on womanhood, — on that time when 
 the pleasures and pains of the girl give place to others 
 of a more serious nature. The age of youthful frivolity 
 is passing away, and it will soon be time for you to 
 begin your woman's mission on earth. There-are objec- 
 tions to deferring this momentous epoch too long. Have 
 you ever thought upon the subject of marriage ? " 
 
 " 7, papa ! " 
 
 " Of course you have not. Pardon me for asking the 
 question ; but I have thought of it for you." 
 5 
 
50 tjif rniLosornER3 of foufouville. 
 
 Miss Charity blushed (or tried to do so), and looked 
 very hard at an ink spot on the floor. 
 
 " I have selected as your partner for life, a man emi- 
 nently worthy of your esteem, and my most trusty dis- 
 ciple, — brother Nicholas Malpest. I presume my choice 
 is satisfactory to you." 
 
 There was a pause. 
 
 ""Why do you not speak, my child? " said the doctor. 
 " You seem strangely agitated ; but this is natural." 
 
 " Papa," said Charity, hesitatingly, "I do not love 
 Professor Malpest." 
 
 "Love!" exclaimed the doctor; "what can you ex- 
 pect to know about love ? I do not ask you to love him." 
 
 " O father, would you have me united to a man for 
 whom I had no attachment ? " 
 
 " Who can have put such mischievous ideas into your 
 head? The passion you speak of is the cause of much 
 sin and misery. I do not intend that it shall exist in 
 Harmony Hall. A general affection for our fellow-creat- 
 ures is all that I wish. This carnal love is a different 
 feeling. The first, ' intellectus amor,' is proper in the 
 eyes of God and man ; but as to the second, ' ut castis 
 auribus vox amoris suspecta est.' But I will not enlarge 
 on the subject, for it is better that you should remain in 
 ignorance of it." 
 
 " I do not wish to take this important step," said Char- 
 ity, " without due meditation and preparation. If you 
 intend to force me to marry that man, give me at least a 
 month for reflection." 
 
 " I intend to use no other force than the voice of rea- 
 son," answered the doctor. " Your request is eminently 
 proper. It is granted, and in a month I shall expect to 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 51 
 
 receive your assent. Now, my child, go to your room and 
 ponder over the coming change in your condition." 
 
 Miss Charity withdrew from the study, but did not go 
 directly to her own room. She went first to that of Miss 
 Griffin, in order to seek counsel and consolation from her 
 older friend, not knowing that the latter was by far the 
 most in need of relief to her wounded feelings. 
 
 The two damsels unbosomed their sorrows to each 
 other; Miss Charity telling hers in extenso; but Miss 
 Minerva only making a partial revelation ; for hers, she 
 said, was a silent grief. When told of the doctor's de- 
 sign, she expressed the most unbounded astonishment 
 and indignation that he should think of throwing his 
 daughter away on " such an unprincipled, deceitful vil- 
 lain." 
 
 "But nothing shall ever induce me to have him," said 
 Charity. 
 
 ' " You are a sensible girl," answered Miss Griffin. " I 
 cannot conceive how any woman could look at such a 
 man." 
 
 " It grieves me to disobey my father, or to thwart him 
 in any way," said Charity ; " but I cannot believe that 
 filial duty makes it obligatory on me to sacrifice the hap- 
 piness of my life to his peculiar views, and I regret that I 
 did not acknowledge to him that my heart was given to 
 Mr. Lovell ; but you know, Minerva, how a woman shrinks 
 from confessing such things, even to a parent." 
 
 "Why should woman conceal her feelings, and pine in 
 solitude? " replied Miss Griffin ; " man does not. My ad- 
 vice to you, as a sincere friend, and one who has a 
 thorough knowledge of human nature, is, that you tell Mr. 
 Malpest frankly that you detest him, and that your young 
 
52 THE rniLOSOPUEIiS OF foufouville. 
 
 affections are centred on Leander. That will of course, 
 allay the passion with which he pretends you have in- 
 spired him, and he will immediately cease his importuni- 
 ties." 
 
 " But I cannot truly say that I actually detest him," an- 
 swered Charity. " I acknowledge that in his presence I 
 feel a sort of instinctive aversion ; but I do not detest 
 anybody." 
 
 " That is a distinction without a difference, my dear," 
 replied Miss Griffin. "You have an aversion to him. 
 I sympathize with you. Tell him you loathe him, you ab- 
 hor him." 
 
 " I will be guided partially by your counsel," said Miss 
 Charity, " and will go to him and tell him candidly that 
 I am indifferent to him." 
 
 " I will accompany you when you do so, dear. My 
 presence will enable you better to undergo the trying 
 scene." 
 
 " I don't think it will be very trying." 
 
 "Then Charity, you know not your weakness," said 
 Miss Griffin, judging her friend by herself. 
 
 Miss Goodenough now went to her own room, while 
 Miss Griffin relieved her overburdened mind by writing a 
 philippic against the male sex in general, and Professor 
 Malpest in particular, although she did not mention him 
 by name. 
 
 In the mean while, Lovell, having satisfactorily finished 
 his wood-cut of the two hearts united by a true lover's 
 knot, went up to his room, polished his boots, put about 
 a quarter of a pound of pomatum on his hair, dressed 
 himself with unusual spruceness, and then proceeded in 
 search of the doctor. Mr. Lovell was in an exceedingly 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUTILLE. 53 
 
 happy frame of mind, for be did not doubt tbat tbe pro- 
 bation be bad undergone, at Harmony Hall, had thrown 
 the veil of oblivion over his unfortunate fiasco in the 
 doctor's office in town, and he was consequently sanguine 
 that the old gentleman would at once consent to the con- 
 summation of his happiness. 
 
 He had prepared (a month before) a speech for the oc- 
 casion, in which he set forth his social standing, his pros- 
 pects in life, and his unalterable devotion to Charity, all 
 of which, excepting the last, was already known to the 
 doctor. But now, when he entered the actual presence of 
 his prospective father-in-law, the unwontedly severe as- 
 pect of the old gentleman, and the grave manner with 
 which he received him, took him so completely by surprise 
 that he quite forgot his oration and could not open his lips. 
 " Be seated, sir," said the doctor. 
 Loveil dumped himself down on the nearest chair. 
 " My friends, you may retire," said the doctor to Pro- 
 fessor Malpest and Mrs. Strongitharm, who were with him, 
 and who looked significantly at Loveil as they left the 
 room. 
 
 " I was about to send for you, sir, when you oppor- 
 tunely came in," said the doctor. " I have been grieved 
 — deeply grieved — at the reports that have reached me 
 concerning your conduct towards one of the sisters. 
 There is some doubt (in my mind at least) as to the ex- 
 tent to which your criminality has gone, and, in fact I am 
 loth, extremely loth, to believe that the tempter can act- 
 ually have found his way amongst us, and was desirous of 
 personally inquiring into this lamentable affair before 
 taking any action in the matter." 
 " I know not what you have heard, sir," answered Lov- 
 
 6* 
 
54 tiie rniLOsopnEhs of foufowille. 
 
 ell ; " but I can assure j'ou that my intentions are strict- 
 ly honorable ; and I have come to you to-day for the pur- 
 pose of asking your consent to our marriage." 
 
 A benevolent smile passed over the doctor's face. 
 
 "Ah! my dear young friend," he said, "I knew that 
 my informants must be mistaken. Their rigid sense of 
 propriety has doubtless led them to take an unfavorable 
 view of actions, not only innocent, but meritorious, when 
 prompted by proper motives. But have you duly weighed 
 all the momentous responsibilities of the step you think 
 of taking? Have you taken into consideration your 
 own youth and the lady's age?" 
 
 " Since she is old enough to love, she is old enough to 
 many," replied Leander, somewhat joyously, for he felt 
 encouraged by the favorable turn the doctor's remarks 
 seemed to be taking. 
 
 "Undoubtedly," said the doctor, "sister Minerva is 
 old enough to marry." 
 
 " Miss Griffin, sir?" cried Lovell, jumping up ; "I have 
 never thought of Miss Griffin. I have hardly ever spok- 
 en a word to her. I don't care a tinker's d — for her." 
 
 Miss Minerva, who was scribbling in the room over- 
 head, was attracted by the mention of her name, and, with 
 the curiosity which is said to have been inherent in her 
 sex since the days of Eve, promptly placed herself beside 
 the stove-pipe hole. It is from her journal that we ex- 
 tract the rest of the conversation. 
 
 " It is Charity, sir," continued Leander, " my own dear- 
 est Charity, whose hand I ask." 
 
 " My daughter ! " said the doctor, with surprise. " Real- 
 ly I do not comprehend the matter. Why, my dear boy, 
 you are too young as yet, to think of becoming a father." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 55 
 
 "I am quite indifferent to children, sir," answered 
 Lovell, " and as Charity seems rather delicate, I would 
 really prefer not to have any." 
 
 "Then, pray, for what reason do you wish to many 
 her?" 
 
 " Because I love her." 
 
 " You love ! Why, that is against the rules of the estab- 
 lishment." 
 
 The doctor slowly turned round in his chair, raised his 
 spectacles from his nose to his forehead, stuck his quill 
 behind his ear, crossed his legs, and rubbed his hands to- 
 gether, which actions poor Leander knew too well were 
 the promonitory symptoms that foreboded an eruption of 
 the Greeks and Romans ; so he folded his arms, and stood 
 resigned to a patient and passive resistance. 
 
 " I perceive with regret," said Dr. Goodenough, " that 
 you have not yet dwelt long enough amongst us to overcome 
 the desires of the flesh. It is the evil spirit of man thajfc 
 has been aroused within you. My daughter unfortunately 
 is comely, and I see with sorrow that you are far from 
 being a true Harmonian. You are not yet imbued with 
 the spirit of the New Utopia. Had you pondered over 
 my studies on the Development of Healthy Offspring, you 
 would be aware of the folly, if not wickedness, of seeking 
 the premature gratification of a mere appetite at the ex- 
 pense of generations yet to be. The Lacedaemonians did 
 not permit young men to marry until they were twenty-five 
 years old. Plato informs us that the proper age is thirty ; 
 but Aristotle fixes it at thirty-seven. I waited until I 
 was forty. As to this ' love,' as you call it, Avicenna 
 tells us it is 'a mere disease, a melancholy vexation, or 
 anguish of mind.' According to Villanovanus, it is 'a 
 
56 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 continual cogitation of that which is desired, with a con- 
 fidence or hope of compassing it.' ' Est orcus illc,' says 
 Plutarch, ' vis est immedicabilis, est rabies insana.' The 
 part affected, according to Arnold as, is the fore part of 
 the head, but Longius is of opinion that it is seated in the 
 liver. Others hold that the disease is in the spleen, while 
 some think that the trouble arises from an inflammation 
 in the heart. 
 
 " To overcome this malady, which is extremely danger- 
 ous in youth, eight rules have been prescribed, all of 
 which are more or less efficacious. 
 
 "1. Abstinence and diet, and, in extreme cases, fast- 
 ing. 
 
 "2. Hard work. 'Vacuo pectore regnat amor.' Love 
 tyrannizeth over an idle person. 
 
 " 3. Light clothing in cold weather. (St. Origen car- 
 ried this precept to the extreme.) 
 
 • " 4. Hair-cloth worn next to the skin. (Doubtless on 
 the principle of a counter-inflammation.) 
 
 "5. Camphor internally administered, with syrup off 
 hellebore, and an occasional clyster of ice-water. 
 
 " 6. Absence from the cause of the mischief; as per- 
 sons fly from districts in which they are subject to fever. 
 
 " 7. Avoidance of amorous thoughts. 
 
 "8. Phlebotomy. The ancient Tartars were accus- 
 tomed to draw the blood from behind the ears, others 
 took it from the legs, while some preferred leeches on the 
 perinaeum. 
 
 " You now, my dear boy, clearly perceive the folly into 
 which youth and its unbridled impulses were leading you, 
 and how easy it is to cure your complaint. You have 
 merely to follow one or more of the prescriptions I have 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 57 
 
 given you. If you are much affected I would advise you 
 to try them all. Look at me. You see me at nearly 
 seventy years of age, calm and tranquil, because I am 
 able to keep under the control of reason those passions 
 that cause so much trouble to mankind." 
 
 " Nothing, sir," answered Leander, " can ever weaken 
 my love for Charity ; I adore her." 
 
 " Do not make use of unseemly language, sir, in Har- 
 mony Hall," replied the doctor ; " I find nothing peculiar 
 in the diagnosis of your case. You are affected as thou- 
 sands have been before you, and the remedies that cured 
 them will cure you. 
 
 " Retire now to your apartment, with this copy of the 
 * Regeneration of Man.' Its perusal will strengthen your 
 mind ; and, if you take a strong dose of the sweet spirits 
 of nitre with a little rhubarb and magnesia, the medicine 
 will cool your hot blood, and excite in you quite different 
 feelings from those that now agitate you." 
 
 " Then, sir, you refuse me the hand of Charity," said 
 Lovell. 
 
 "Most decidedly, sir," answered the doctor. "Even 
 if I thought it prudent to select you for her husband, I 
 would not be at liberty to do so, since she is already 
 promised to another, — to one, who, to unbounded benevo- 
 lence, and the most perfect acquiescence in all my views, 
 has learned to suppress the promptings of the flesh, and 
 regards marriage merely as a means to an end. She is to 
 be united to brother Nicholas Malpest." 
 
 Poor Lenny's heart was too full for words, and he 
 silently stole out of the study, a sadder if not a wiser 
 man. He was seen soon afterwards walking up and clown 
 the garden in a highly excited manner, gesticulating 
 
58 THE PHILOSOPHERS OP FOUFOUVLLLE. 
 
 wildly, clenching his fists, and anon striking at va- 
 cancy. 
 
 " D n the fellpw," he exclaimed. " To think of 
 
 my being refused for a beggarly upstart adventurer, — a 
 scoundrel, who I believe has deliberately led Dr. Good- 
 enough into this Foufouville business, solely for selfish 
 purposes of his own. But I'll unmask the villain ; I'll un- 
 mask him, or have his heart's blood. He shall find that 
 Leander Ijovell is not a man to be trifled with. Ugh ! " 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 59 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Some curious and interesting Papers never before presented 
 to the Public. 
 
 "We now propose to lay before the reader a few of the 
 original documents from which this narrative is compiled. 
 It is true that on glancing over the pages already written, 
 and seeing the somewhat dramatic form that the work has 
 unavoidably taken, we feel a strong inclination to con- 
 tinue in the same style. We have the lovesick maiden, 
 the despairing lover, the partially successful rival, who is 
 also the villain of the piece, the tyrannical father, and two 
 or three makeweights, whose characteristics being comic, 
 form an admirable contrast to the pathetic portions of the 
 story. In the first chapter we have described the locality, 
 and brought the dramatis personal on the scene ; in the 
 second, the introduction of the domestics would seem a 
 master-stroke of policy, like clearing the decks for action, 
 and leaving the company entire freedom of movement ; 
 by the end of the third, we have got our ingredients pretty 
 well mixed up, that is to say, the plot has begun to de- 
 velop itself, all sorts of passions have been brought into 
 play, and almost everybody has got at loggerheads with 
 somebody else. "We repeat, that when we consider all 
 this, we feel strongly tempted to give way to our fertile 
 imagination and, taking the few actual facts for a basis, 
 to spin a plain, unvarnished tale into a three-volume 
 novel ; but our respect for the memory of the late Dr. 
 
CO THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 Goodenough, our desire to defend bis reputation against 
 the criticisms and sarcasms of the witless journalists of 
 an unscrupulous press, and our sense of duty to an intel- 
 ligent public sball restrain us from thus seeking after liter- 
 ary fame under false pretences, and we shall rigidly ad- 
 here to our first intention, and simply give a matter-of-fact 
 record of the most important events connected with the 
 experiment at Foufouville. Moreover, since the years 
 of man's life are but threescore and ten, and we do not 
 possess the lucrative faculty of saying something when we 
 have nothing to say, we shall study concision in every 
 way possible ; a study, we regret to say, that is too much 
 neglected by modern writers, whose chief aim seems to 
 be to make a whole volume out of incidents and thoughts 
 enough for a single chapter only ; a fault that has led 
 readers into the reprehensible (though, under the circum- 
 stances, excusable) habit of skipping. In pursuance of 
 this plan we shall give the original documents whenever 
 they are of sufficient interest, or whenever the}' exhibit 
 the causes of the decline of Ilarmonianism as clearly and 
 concisely as a synopsis would do ; and whenever we deem 
 it preferable we shall digest our authorities. 
 
 These may be divided into eight classes, as follows : — 
 
 1st. Letters from members of the society, or parties 
 connected with them. 
 
 2d. The books of the phalanstery, comprising one blot- 
 ter, one day-book, and one ledger. These are all in the 
 handwriting of Prof. Nicholas Malpcst. 
 
 3d. Vouchers for the expenses of the phalanstery. 
 Most of these show indubitable evidence of having been 
 tampered with (as will be explained hereafter), and are 
 consequently of little value. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 61 
 
 4th. Plans, specifications, etc., in the possession of 
 Palladio Styles, Esq., N. A. A., architect and builder. 
 
 5th. Records of the proceedings of kindred societies. 
 
 6th. The " Journal of an Ennuyee," by Miss Serena 
 Minerva Griffin (not intended for publication). 
 
 7th. The press of the time, particularly the Comic 
 Weekly and Monthly Squib. 
 
 8th. Oral testimony. We have collected this at no 
 little personal trouble (and regardless of expense), hav- 
 ing visited Foufouville for the sole purpose of interrogat- 
 ing those who lived there during the brief existence of 
 the New Utopians, as such ; for it should be borne in 
 mind that the transactions, now for the first time narrated 
 to the public in an authentic form, all took place within 
 the memory of men still living. That well-known indi- 
 vidual, the oldest inhabitant, remembered the Har'monian 
 era perfectly, and had, on one occasion, even seen Dr. 
 Goodenough himself. Two highly respectable retired 
 oystermen, who lived at Communipaw at the time of the 
 events of which we are writing, but who were accustomed 
 to pay frequent visits to Foufouville (where they married 
 a fishmonger's daughters), gave us much valuable infor- 
 mation. We are also indebted to John Smith, Esq., now 
 cashier of the National Bank of Foufouville, who recol- 
 lected being frequently engaged, when a boy, in nocturnal 
 expeditions with youths of his own age, for the purpose 
 of robbing the hen-roosts, or of committing depredations 
 on the apple-trees at the Hall. We have also conversed 
 with all the surviving Harmonians, except Professor Mal- 
 pest, whom we have been unable to find, and who, it is 
 therefore highly probable, is now defunct. 
 
 Of our MS. authorities, some have been for a long time 
 6 
 
02 TIIE pniLOSOPnERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 in our possession ; others have been kindly lent to us 
 by Leander Lovell, Esq., president of the Oil Ocean 
 Petroleum Co., and a few, belonging to the Jersey City 
 Historical Society, have been politely placed at our dis- 
 posal for perusal by the urbane and gentlemanly librarian. 
 The reader will observe that the following papers are 
 not given in strict chronological order. We have pre- 
 ferred to follow the method adopted by other superior 
 writers, as Gibbon, Prescott, Tacitus, etc., and have 
 grouped them with reference to the events of which they 
 
 treat. 
 
 « 
 
 "CIRCULAR. 
 
 " To all Mankind and future Generations, Greeting : 
 The Society of Harmonious, for the regeneration of man, 
 has a practical existence. Foufouville is the new Eden 
 where the tree of knowledge has been planted. Its fruit 
 is free to all. O ye who are still wandering in the wil- 
 derness of Ignorance, who are tossed on the stormy waves 
 of Passion, who are lost in the desert of Doubt, in dan- 
 ger of being swept away by the simoon of Sin, come to 
 this earthly Paradise, this haven of refuge, this oasis 
 where all is verdant. 
 
 "Without, ye have endless strifes, contentions, heart- 
 burnings, lusts, envy, hatred, and all uncharitableness ; 
 within, only brotherly love, harmony, peace, and good- 
 will. 
 
 " Hasten, then, to the new fold ; the door is open ; 
 come one, come all. 
 
 "J. Goodenougii. 
 
 " Given at Foufouville, this 1st day of the 1st month of the 1st year 
 of the Ilaruionian Era." 
 
THE PIIILOSOPHEES OF FOUFOUVILLE. 63 
 
 DR. J. GOODENOUGH TO PROF. GUMMP, LEIPSIC. 
 
 "FotTFOUTILLE, 4th 1st Mo., A. H. 1. 
 
 " Respected Friend and Brother, — The fame of your 
 translation of the New Utopia has reached America. I 
 thank you, in the. name of humanity, for the boon you 
 have conferred upon your fellow-man, and the special 
 honor paid to my unworthy self. I am proud to think 
 that henceforth my name will be indissolubly associated 
 with that of Gurump. I knew that the German mind 
 would not fail to appreciate the mighty truths I have 
 humbly endeavored to inculcate. 
 
 " You are doubtless aware that the Society of Harmo- 
 nians has at last a local habitation as well as a name. 
 The dream of my life is being realized. We are now 
 dwelling in the first phalanstery, and others are to be 
 erected as soon as the number of proselytes who have 
 joined us reaches one thousand. 
 
 " Here we are gathered together, a chosen few, and in 
 this tranquil retreat, entirely dissevered from mundane 
 thoughts and pursuits, we find that peace which the world 
 cannot give, with its snares, its temptations, its bicker- 
 ings, its unholy passions ; that perfect serenity of mind 
 for which mortals have hitherto sighed in vain. 
 
 " I send with this, copies of my last two works, the 
 " Regeneration of Man," and " Studies on the Develop- 
 ment of Healthy Offspring." 
 
 " Farewell, respected friend and brother. 
 
 "J. GOODENOUGH. 
 
 " P. S. I enclose a pamphlet containing our circular, 
 together with our rules and regulations, and would ad- 
 vise that it be translated into German, and from fifty 
 
64 TIIE PJIILOSOPJIERS OP FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 thousand to one hundred thousand copies printed for gen- 
 eral distribution." 
 
 THE "WOMAN'S UNION ASSOCIATION, OF LEBANON, TO THE 
 CORRESPONDING SECRETARY OF THE SOCIETY OF HARMO- 
 NIANS. 
 
 " "We, the undersigned, constituting the Woman's Un- 
 ion Association of Lebanon, have received, with un- 
 bounded satisfaction, tidings of the glorious enterprise 
 inaugurated under the auspices of the far-seeing and pro- 
 gressive Dr. Goodenough. 
 
 " The Age of Reason is indeed at hand. Woman Mill 
 no longer be exposed to the neglect of the other sex. 
 
 " Profoundly impressed by the delightful prospect of 
 happiness held out in the circular of Dr. G., we pro- 
 pose at once uniting our fortunes "with yours, and write 
 to inquire the cheapest route to Harmony Hall. 
 
 "We deem it proper to state (however unimportant the 
 fact may be) that we shall not be able to contribute 
 pecuniarily to the resources of the society ; but do not 
 doubt that the noble example we shall set to the world, 
 and the moral influence gained by our presence will more 
 than counterbalance the want of mere lucre. 
 "Your sisters in love, 
 
 "Miss Mary Ann Ketchum. 
 "Miss Cleopatra Grosbeck. 
 " Miss Evergreen Waite. 
 "Miss Sophonisba Hope. 
 " Miss Martha Valentine. 
 "Miss Patience Staahl." 
 
 (No dato.) 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 65 
 
 PROF. NICH. MALPEST TO THE WOMAN'S UNION ASSOCIATION 
 OP LEBANON. 
 
 "Harmony Hall, April 25th, 1850. 
 " To Miss Mary Ann Ketclium and Others : 
 
 " Ladies, — It is with inexpressible regret, — owing to 
 the great moral influence that would accrue to our com- 
 munity could we have the benefit of your presence amongst 
 us, to say nothing of personal gratification, — it is, I re- 
 peat, with the deepest regret that I am constrained to 
 inform you, that, in consequence of the heavy outlay to 
 which we have been put in preparing for the thousands 
 of New Utopians whose arrival is daily expected (by Dr. 
 Goodenough), we must for the present deprive ourselves 
 of the advantages and pleasures of your society. 
 
 " Accept, ladies, the assurance of my distinguished 
 consideration. 
 
 "Nich. Malpest, 
 "Cor. Sec. of the S. of &." 
 
 MRS. ELIZABETH STRONGITHARM TO THE HON. ANDREW 
 JACKSON JONES. 
 
 " Foufouvillk, April 19th, 1850. 
 
 "Sir, — I shall endeavor to be present at the coming 
 convention of the Female Rights Association. 
 
 " Your bill for extending the franchise to woman meets 
 my approval. It is encouraging, in these degenerate days, 
 to find one man of enlarged ideas. 
 
 " How differently legislation would be conducted if 
 women had the making of the laws ! Instead of the pres- 
 ent contentions that disgrace our assemblies, all would be 
 love. 
 
 6* 
 
66 THE PIULOSOPHEHS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 " The abominable tariff now imposed on silks, satins, 
 laces, feathers, and other articles of female necessity, 
 would be at once repealed. 
 
 " The amassing of excessive wealth would be prohib- 
 ited. Those who possessed more than a competency 
 would be compelled to bestow the surplus on portionless 
 young women. 
 
 " Every man who attained the age of thirty years with- 
 out having taken a wife, would be obliged to support at 
 least one foundling or orphan, and an additional one for 
 every year thereafter that he persisted in celibacy. 
 
 "Whiskers being a symbol of- manhood, no bachelor 
 would be permitted to wear them ; nor would any such 
 be eligible to any public office whatever. 
 
 " A suitable and becoming costume (such as is worn 
 by me) would be made obligatory on the female sex. 
 
 " Theatrical exhibitions would be put down, as having 
 an injurious influence on public morals ; or at least they 
 would be held under severe restrictions. Males alone 
 would be allowed to perform in ballets. 
 
 " Those abominable institutions called clubs would be 
 broken up (unless women were admitted to them), and 
 they would be closed at nine o'clock, p. m. No card- 
 playing or billiards would be tolerated in them. 
 
 " Those houses — likened by Miss Martineau to harems 
 — would be torn down, and the sites sown with salt. 
 
 " An army would be despatched against the Mormons 
 to exterminate those American Turks. 
 
 " No religion would be tolerated save one founded on 
 common sense. 
 
 " The shameful license of the press would be curtailed. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 67 
 
 Editors who took a wrong view of the woman question 
 would be put in the pillory, and their papers suppressed. 
 
 "The distillation of spirituous liquor, under any pre- 
 tense whatever, would be prohibited. 
 
 "No vile tobacco would be imported or grown. 
 
 " Such, sir, are a few of the reforms that will follow 
 the bestowing of the ballot on my sex. Think how much 
 more happy mankind will be. 
 
 " Woman, instead of spending her life in beau-catching, 
 
 or the pursuit of frivolities, as at present, will stand on 
 
 her rights by the polls, armed with that palladium of 
 
 liberty, the ballot, and, hurling it in the face of masculine 
 
 injustice, will appear with a new charm in the domestic 
 
 circle. 
 
 " I am, sir, yours, in progress, 
 
 " Elizabeth Strongitharii. 
 
 " To the Hon. A. J. Jones, Albany." 
 
 LEANDER LOVELL, ESQ., TO RICHARD LONGSHANKS, ESQ. 
 
 " Foufouville, March 29th, 1850. 
 
 " Dear Dick, — I have not joined the Macedonian Pha- 
 lanx, as you insinuate, nor is it Mars, but rather Venus, who 
 has brought me here. The truth is, I am engaged to the 
 most beautiful, lovely, and fascinating of her sex, daugh- 
 ter of the celebrated Dr. Goodenough, author of several 
 well-known works on social philosophy. I have not j r et 
 been converted to the doctor's peculiar views, and must 
 confess that I am guilty of some little dissimulation in 
 foisting myself into his society ; but ' all is fair in love,' 
 you know. O Dick, she is adorable ! When or where 
 the ceremony will take place I cannot tell, for untoward 
 circumstances have prevented me thus far from asking 
 
68 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FODFOUVILZE. 
 
 the old gentleman's consent ; but I shall obtain it in a 
 clay or two. She is perfection. To know her is to love 
 her ; she — but I won't expatiate on this charming theme 
 to such a matter-of-fact individual as you are. You might 
 call it a bore, and I should never forgive you. How 
 lucky I am to be in existence at the same time as Charity, 
 — for her equal never lived before ! Her eyes are of that 
 deep azure only seen in the sky of Italy at noon-day ; 
 her hair is auburn, and falls in natural ringlets over her 
 alabaster shoulders ; her delicately chiselled nose — " [we 
 will omit the rest of this descriptive passage, as not being 
 of sufficient public importance to warrant an insertion.] 
 " I am the most happy and most fortunate man on the 
 face of the earth. 
 
 " I have a sort of rival (but he has no chance), one 
 Malpest, who calls himself ' professor ' — of what, I know 
 not. He is the chief-cook-and-bottle-washer of the con- 
 cern, and his actions, in some respects, appear suspicious ; 
 still, for all I know to the contrary, he may be a good 
 enough fellow at heart. (Charity, dear girl, hates the 
 sight of him.) 
 
 " A strong-minded harridan of a bloomer, with the man 
 she protects, and an affected spinster, complete the in- 
 mates. The Strongitharm is abusing everybody from 
 morning to night, and perpetually pecking at poor Pee- 
 wit, whom she calls her co-partner. He has lately shown 
 symptoms of insubordination. The forlorn Griffin goes 
 about expressing the loftiest disdain for mankind (how 
 different she would be if she had a good stout husband, 
 and half-a-dozen yellow-haired brats around her!), and 
 contrasting her own contented condition with the bicker- 
 ing existence of Stongitharm & Co. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHEES OF FOUFOUVJLLE. 69 
 
 " The two women, of course, are at sword's points. 
 
 " Why do you bore me about business, and say you 
 
 can't get along without me ? What the mischief do I care 
 
 about business when I am going to be married to the girl 
 
 of my heart? 
 
 " Yours ever, L. L." 
 
 MESSRS. WESTCOTT & CO., TO PROF. NICH. MALrEST. 
 
 "New York, April 1st, 1850. 
 "Sir, — On presenting your check on the National 
 Bank for $325 T 9 8 , given in payment of our bill for cloth- 
 ing, we were advised that your balance there amounted 
 to but $l T {hj, and the check was consequently dis- 
 honored. 
 
 " Respectfully, your obedient servant, 
 
 " Westcott & Co." 
 
 PROF. NICH. MALPEST, TO MESSRS. WESTCOTT & CO. 
 
 " Harmony Hall, April 4th, 1850. 
 " Gents, — I trust that my inadvertence in overlooking 
 the state of my bank account when I gave you my check, 
 may not have subjected you to any inconvenience. It is 
 a matter of astonishment to me that the officials should 
 have hesitated to allow my account to be temporarily over- 
 drawn, as it is customary to do with heavy depositors, and 
 I shall have no further dealings with a moneyed institu- 
 tion so blind to its own interests. 
 
 " My funds at the present moment are all locked up in 
 one of the most promising speculations of the age ; but I 
 am making arrangements by which I hope in a few weeks 
 to render them available. 
 
 " Your obedient servant, 
 
 " Nicholas Malpest." 
 
70 THE rniLOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 RICHARD LONGSHANKS, ESQ., TO LEANDER LOVELL, ESQ. 
 
 " New Yokk, April 5. 
 
 "Dear Len, — Our business really requires the undi- 
 vided attention of both of us, so that one may always be 
 present at the office. We have lost some good chances 
 lately in consequence of my temporary but unavoidable ab- 
 sences ; so hurry up and get married if it is necessary for 
 you to commit that act, in order to recover your wonted 
 serenity and go to work. 
 
 "Meanwhile congratulations, — felicity, etc. 
 
 " Yours, R. L. 
 
 'P. S. — I've hung up our shingle 'Longshanks & 
 Lovell, Brokers.' " 
 
 LEANDER LOVELL, ESQ., TO RICHARD LONGSHANKS, ESQ. 
 
 " Foufoutille, April 21. 
 
 " Dear Dick, — I am the most miserable man in ex- 
 istence. A malignant fate seems to pursue me. Old 
 Goodenough has actually resolved to throw away his 
 Charity on that double-distilled villain, Malpest. But the 
 deed shall never be consummated, never, Richard, never. 
 Charity has obtained a delay of one month, and in that 
 month something shall be done, for I must have her ; cost 
 what it may, I must have her. She won't consent to a 
 clandestine marriage, because she clings to her father in 
 the most childish manner, and says she could never for- 
 give herself should any act of hers cause him pain. Un- 
 der these unprecedentedly embarrassing circumstances, I 
 feel the need of a friend to lean upon. Let me hear from 
 you without delay. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 71 
 
 " As to that despicable miscreant who pretends to her 
 hand, should he give me the shadow of an excuse, may 
 my right arm be withered if I don't thrash the black- 
 hearted scoundrel within an inch of his life ! 
 
 " Had I not better call him out at once? "Will you be 
 my friend on the occasion ? If so, come down as soon as 
 you can with the hair-triggers. 
 
 "Yours, L. L." 
 
 KICHAKD XOiNGSHANKS, ESQ., TO LEANDER LOVELL, ESQ. 
 
 " Wall Street, April 23d. 
 
 " Dear Len, — On the 5th inst. I wrote you a congrat- 
 ulatory letter under the impression that the affair was 
 settled, but I perceive, by yours of the 21st, that this was 
 an error. 
 
 " The truth is, you have fallen in love, which is the 
 most silly thing a man can do, particularly when the girl 
 on her part preserves her senses ; and it is clear to my 
 mind that Miss What's-her-name don't care a pin for you 
 since she won't run away with you. In fact, I think it most 
 likely she is smitten with that other fellow. He has pater- 
 familias on his side, which is a great advantage. 
 
 " The best thing you can do is to take the matter phil- 
 osophically, as I should do under the circumstances, 
 and forget the young woman entirely. To accomplish 
 this nothing more is necessary than not to think of her at 
 all. So come back to town like a sensible man and go to 
 work again. 
 
 "Yours, R. L." 
 
72 the philosophers of foufouville. 
 
 leander lovell, esq., to richard longsnanks, esq. 
 
 "Foufouville, April 25th, 1850. 
 
 " Sir, — I expected to find in you a sj^mpathetic friend, 
 instead of an indifferent man-of-the-world. Having never 
 seen the young lady, of course you cannot enter into my 
 feelings ; but that was no reason for casting a slur on her 
 character, — for such I regard j-our insinuation that she 
 has become attached to another. 
 
 " Sir, your philosophy I despise. I could not, and 
 would not if I could, forget her until my latest breath. 
 It is my intention to demand satisfaction from the scoun- 
 drel, and had hoped that you would second me ; but now I 
 shall look elsewhere for that act of friendship. 
 
 " Sir, our acquaintance is at an end and our partner- 
 ship dissolved. Be pleased to remove my name from the 
 shingle. 
 
 " Your obedient servant, 
 
 " Leander Lovell." 
 
 richard longshanks, esq., to leander lovell, esq. 
 
 " Wall Street, April 27th. 
 
 " My dear Leander, — What is the matter with you? 
 I didn't know how unreasonably savage love made a man. 
 I must get into that condition myself in order to find out 
 the sensation. But, seriously speaking, I had no inten- 
 tion of wounding your feelings, and if my note has done 
 so (I certainly expected it would have a soothing effect) , I 
 must ask you to excuse it. 
 
 "As to challenging Mr. Malpest, I really do not think 
 you have justifiable grounds for doing so. You wrote to 
 me yourself that it was impossible to see Miss Good- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 73 
 
 enough without loving her ; and such being the case can 
 you blame the professor ? If you fight him what will you 
 gain? If you wound him, you excite pity for him, and 
 pity is akin to love ; while, if you kill him, you find 
 yourself in serious trouble. If he wounds you, I don't 
 distinctly see where the satisfaction comes in ; while, if he 
 kill you, you certainly will not be able to marry the lady, 
 but on the contrary he may do so. 
 
 " I shall go down to Foufouville as soon as business 
 will allow, in the hope of being of service to you in some 
 way. If Malpest should appear to me half as bad a man 
 as you imagine him to be, I'll gladly help you tar and 
 feather him. 
 
 "Believe me, yours ever truly, 
 
 " Richard Longshanks." 
 
 extracts from the " journal of an ennutee," by miss 
 serena minerva griffin. 
 "April 20th. — The heart of woman is a soundless sea. 
 Man, coarse man, cannot fathom its depths. She was 
 born for duality. Like the clinging vine she yearns for a 
 protector ; she is ever searching for sympathy ; yet, ac- 
 cording to the false customs of society, she must ever 
 conceal in her bosom those emotions that fain would find 
 utterance in — [illegible]. ' The heart, like a tendril accus- 
 tomed to cling,' etc. Man must be the one to propose. How 
 absurd ! The sturdy oak must seek the frail vine, not the 
 vine the oak. Is this right? Is it proper? The un- 
 trammelled promptings of gifted souls answer indignantly, 
 
 NO. 
 
 "21st. — This has been a trying day. To think I 
 could have been so mistaken in that man. But dearly 
 7 
 
74 THE rniLOSOPJIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 have I paid for my error. It is far better for woman to ■ 
 exist alone. ' Few are tbe bearts whence one same toucb,' 
 etc. Her nature is profoundly analytical. She perceives 
 tbose invisible shades of character, that are lost to man's 
 less delicate vision, and thus discriminates "with unerring 
 judgment the hidden motives of human action. [The 
 villain, to have deceived me so grossly ! Why was I so 
 blind ? I was indifferent to him before ; now I bate him. 
 I despise him]. 
 
 " 22d. — Oh, this aching head ! My temples throb. I 
 must apply ice to the region of tbe cerebellum. The 
 events of yesterday will never fade from my mind while 
 memory retains her seat. It is the warm bearts that suf- 
 fer most in this cold world, yet are they ever ready to 
 forgive and kiss the hand that wounds. Such is woman. 
 [May I live a hundred years to torment him !] I am 
 much concerned for poor little innocent Charity. She 
 seems inclined to yield so implicitly to the will of her fa- 
 ther. She lacks strength of mind. Of course he can- 
 not have any real feeling for such a mere chit. His views 
 are mercenary. I must warn the simple-minded doctor, 
 and put Mr. Lovell on bis guard. The poor young man 
 seems to be madly in love. What a pity be has so little 
 knowledge of the world ! [The wretch ! I shall be 
 avenged on him. He shall know that Minerva Griffin is 
 not to be treated lightly]. 
 
 " 23d. — Confined to my bed. That hateful Strongitharm 
 came in with her affected condolence. How foolish I was to 
 become reconciled to her ! But woman was ever forgiving. 
 
 " ' No strong-minded woman,' said she, ' would allow 
 herself to be made sick by a man.' 
 
 " ' What do you mean, madam? ' I asked. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 75 
 
 " ' A true woman would conceal such weakness in her 
 own bosom,' she continued ; ' /never would give in.' 
 
 "When I asked her if she called physical suffering a 
 'weakness,' she had the impertinence to insinuate that 
 my headache was not owing to a disordered stomach, but 
 to a disturbance of the heart. I requested her to leave 
 me to myself ; on which she called me an ' ungrateful 
 thing' to make such a return for her sympathy. Sym- 
 pathy indeed ! She rejoices in my sufferings. They en- 
 able her to assume airs of superiority. Alas ! it is not 
 from her own sex that woman in misfortune must look 
 for sympathy. 
 
 " 23cL — Still confined. Mr. Peewit looked really sorrow- 
 ful when he came limping in with the gruel. He said he 
 had made it himself with the assistance of the cook. He 
 is a kind soul is Peewit. 
 
 " The good doctor also came to see me, and prescribed 
 ipecac. He does not comprehend the delicacy of the fe- 
 male organization. It might work well with a man. Ilia 
 pains are merely physical. Only a woman understands 
 the organic difference between the sexes. Yet is the doc- 
 tor a well-meaning person. [The monster ! I see him in 
 the kitchen window talking to the cook. I cannot think 
 of eating at this time. Pity is the only feeling I have 
 for him.] 
 
 " 2tth. — Still reclining on my sofa. Oh, how wearily 
 drag the long hours ! Heigh-ho ! This day I am [erased] 
 years of age. He had the effrontery to send to inquire 
 how I was, and the maliciousness to choose Strongitharm 
 as his messenger. She happened to come in just as I was 
 trying on my new green dress. Green is very becom- 
 ing to my style of — that is to say, to delicate blondes. 
 
76 THE rniLOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVJLLE. 
 
 The yellow dahlia Mr. Peewit sent me, and which was 
 placed on my bosom, heightened the color considerably, 
 and contrasted well with the light-blue trimmings and the 
 red coiffure. I looked — no matter how. So I told her 
 I was perfectly well as she saw. She went out with a 
 disappointed air. "Was it envy? Mr. Peewit said he 
 wished his ogre (though that is not the exact word he 
 used) dressed like me. He is a man of taste. 
 
 " 25th. — I see from my window Mr. Lovell and Charity 
 in the grove. He is very demonstrative. It is a pleas- 
 ure to watch them, — love is so rare. What a passionate 
 attachment his seems to be ! How strange that a mere 
 chit of sixteen should inspire such ardent devotion, when 
 those in whom maturer years have developed all the full 
 yearnings of woman's nature are comparatively neglected ! 
 Where are man's boasted powers of reason ? Alas ! he has 
 none where woman is concerned. [The only sentiment 
 he excites is repulsion. I will follow him to the end of 
 the earth for the sake of vengeance. He is talking to the 
 cook again.] 
 
 " Afternoon. — I have spoken to Mr. Lovell about him. 
 He said he believed he was a mere adventurer ; ' after her 
 inoney,' was the expression he used ; that Charity posi- 
 tively abhors him. The dear child ! Lovell has more 
 discernment than I gave him credit for. 
 
 " I also spoke to the doctor on the same subject. He 
 told me I was nervous and excited, and had better go to 
 bed. He also wanted me to take a teaspoonful of sooth- 
 ing syrup, and prepared a powerful close of salts, which 
 he insisted on my drinking. Mr. Peewit, who was pres- 
 ent, and observed the repugnance expressed on my coun- 
 tenance, took advantage of the doctor's back being turned 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVLLLE. 77 
 
 for a moment, and swallowed the nauseating mixture 
 himself. Few men would be capable of such self-sacri- 
 ficing devotion. My looks expressed my gratitude, and 
 Joseph looked happy. Tears of contentment stood in his 
 eyes. To reward him, I asked him to stroll with me in the 
 garden, for he is able to walk, although still somewhat 
 lame. I leaned upon his arm, being weak from my recent 
 illness. He seemed delighted at first, but in about half 
 an hour became embarrassed in his manner, and appeared 
 ill at ease. We sat down under the trees ; but he contin- 
 ued restless, as if .anxious to go away in spite of my 
 cheering conversation, and, after a while, suddenly jumped 
 up and left me abruptly. Did he fear to be overcome by 
 his feelings ? Men are such singular beings ! I really 
 begin to believe that Joseph appreciates me. 
 
 li 26t7i. — Feel almost well to-day, but think it prudent 
 to remain in my room. Bridget brought me my breakfast, 
 with a bunch of wild flowers, from Mr. Peewit. She said 
 Mr. Malpest was such a 'nice gentleman.' Ignorant 
 creature ! She judges only by externals. Behold Peewit ! 
 He is not exactly handsome, yet is his a nature simple, 
 perhaps, but generous, and even possessed of a certain 
 amount of penetration. He has discovered my superi- 
 ority to that odious she-dragon who has appropriated him. 
 He would not attempt to deceive a trusting heart. 
 
 " THOUGHTS FOB MY LECTURE ON THE CO-KELATION OF THE 
 
 SEXES. 
 
 " How beautiful are the home affections ! They move 
 in perpetual harmony, like the heavenly orbs (and are 
 they not heavenly in their nature ?) ; and when the fatal 
 
78 THE pnizosornEiiS OF foufouville. 
 
 shaft takes one away, it leaves a void that, like the place 
 of the lost Pleiad, can never he refilled. 
 
 " What the sword of Alexander was to the Gordian 
 knot, so is a harsh word to that of true love. [A pretty 
 conceit.] 
 
 " Chemistry tells us that sometimes, when we mingle 
 two elements together, a portion of one will comhine with 
 the other, while a portion still remains free. If this latter 
 come in contact with its affinities, it will all be absorbed 
 in chemical unions. 
 
 " Thus, few or none of us find all our sympathies re- 
 sponded to by another ; some affections remain unsatis- 
 fied, or go to waste. Hence we sometimes see a husband 
 and wife, who are in many respects congenial, seeking in 
 others the satisfaction of those sensibilities that meet with 
 repulsion at home. 
 
 "In an all-absorbing love (if such there could be), the 
 loss of the beloved would be a total shipwreck of the 
 heart. Usually, only a portion of the cargo is lost, and 
 even that is sometimes recovered, though in a damaged 
 condition. 
 
 " The negative pole of the magnet repels the negative, 
 while there is a mutual attraction between it and the posi- 
 tive. How like the apparently singular plrysiological fact, 
 that the strongest attachments are between those of dis- 
 similar or opposite temperaments ! Didst ever see a 
 child's block-map ? 'Tis thus that the affections of the 
 happily mated become interlocked. [There is deep 
 thought in this.] 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 79 
 
 " Behold the hands of a timepiece ! The one pursues 
 the other, only to leave it when overtaken. Alas ! how- 
 like is the conduct of man to woman ! 
 
 "As the ignorant, seeing not the hidden springs, think 
 that the pendulum makes the clock go, so do the superfi- 
 cial judge of our motives by — [erased]. [To be worked 
 up.] 
 
 " Woman cannot enter into the feelings of woman to 
 the same extent as man. [Profound.] J The male and 
 female were formed to be united. Separate, like blue and 
 yellow, they may be complementary to each other, but 
 joined together, they make one homogeneous whole, their 
 natures blended in verdant harmony. 
 
 " Some men look upon women as mere nothings. Well, 
 conceited being, granting this were true, nothing (0) 
 united to one (1) increases its value tenfold (10). [Hap- 
 pily put.] 
 
 " Like the Arabic numerals, the language of love is 
 understood by all nations. To use an algebraic expres- 
 sion, the eyes are the exponent of this first power of 
 nafure. 
 
 " Marriage is a sort of Binomial Theorem, in which, if 
 the man is negative, the woman is certain to be positive. 
 They increase by unity, until the leading power (femi- 
 nine) reaches 45. 
 
 " A vulgar man, like a vulgar fraction, is not a perfect 
 
80 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE '. 
 
 entity. His faults may be called his denominators, — the 
 greater they are, the less he is worth. 
 
 " As we go up in a balloon, we find that all is frigid 
 and serene in the upper atmosphere. Thus, when man 
 soars into the lofty regions of philosophy, he looks down 
 with disdain, from his intellectual elevation, on the petty 
 miseries of earth ; but those cold, calm regions are not 
 suited to the tender nature of woman. Her affections 
 freeze [rather strong, say wither] when she seeks a 
 higher sphere than the domestic hearth. 
 
 "The poet admires the uncultivated charms of Na- 
 ture, while the practical man has an eye [I don't like this 
 expression] for the well-tilled field. Thus the trifler 
 looks only at youth and beauty, while the philosopher 
 prefers those in whom the furrows of time indicate the 
 fruitfulness of reason. 
 
 " As light ploughing suits a thin soil, so shallow people 
 require but little love. A deep affection would be wasted 
 upon them ; it would meet with no adequate return. 
 The feelings of such may be easily harrowed, but a few 
 raindrops of tears efface the impressions of the past. 
 
 "The most saccharine vegetables ripen underground, 
 and, alas ! how much sweetness do we often find in some 
 humble home, buried, as it were, from the eyes of the 
 world. 
 
 " Methinks that the heart, like the earth, hath its hills 
 and its vales ; but the poorest soil is on the hill-tops, yet 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 81 
 
 they are most often caressed by the wandering zephyr, 
 ■while the rich soil in the glen below rests undisturbed in 
 its calm seclusion. [Zephyr is a pretty word ; bring it in 
 again.] 
 
 " A deep lake, — sylvan, volatile zephyr, — only passes 
 lightly over the surface, — profound depths, — unmoved, 
 oysters hidden there, with pearls in 'em, — gold-fish too, 
 no,* not gold-fish, — might seem an allusion to filthy lu- 
 cre, and perhaps even make the audience think of eels. 
 [Work this up.] 
 
 " In winter you behold only a landscape of snow ; yet 
 what rich meadows, what germs of fruitfulness lie dor- 
 mant aud concealed beneath it ! Thus does a cold and 
 formal manner oft mark a loving nature, in which the warm 
 affections, the marital and maternal yearnings of women 
 rest undeveloped by the rays of love. 
 
 " If cold hearts sought cold climates, and warm ones 
 the tropics, the women would all be congregated at the 
 equator. 
 
 " In the starry heavens there are distant worlds which 
 to the eye of ignorance seem as one, but which the learned 
 know to be binary ; and how many couples are there who 
 appear to be happily united, but whose hearts in reality 
 move in widely separate orbits ! 
 
 " Our present laws make the connubial tie, a hard knot, 
 easy to do, difficult to undo. How much better were it 
 merely a beau-knot, to be tied or untied at pleasure ! 
 
82 TUB PHILOSOPHERS OF foufouville. 
 
 " The passions of man act upon his heart like acids on 
 a metal, while the ennui of prolonged maidenhood is like 
 the rust of time, slower in its operation, but none the less 
 consuming. 
 
 " Yet it is better for a superior woman to exist alone, 
 than to be united to an inferior man. In the one case 
 she preserves her purity undimmed ; in the other, like an 
 alloy of silver with a baser metal, she becomes lost in the 
 union and her beauty is tarnished. [Belle — bell-metal, — 
 something can be made out of this.] 
 
 " Potassium brought in contact with ice, unites in com- 
 bustion with the oxj-gen which it separates from the hy- 
 drogen ; thus those who are coldly united in the bond of 
 matrimony may become inflamed with love when a 
 stronger aflinity appears. [Very fine — scientific] 
 
 " Man yearns for a congenial mind ; woman for a con- 
 genial heart. Is not this a metaphysical subtlety? Is 
 not the heart (in a poetical, not an anatomical sense) a 
 figurative expression for certain qualities of the mind ? 
 Let us then say : man looks for kindred intellectual pow- 
 ers ; woman for kindred sympathies. Yet how can we 
 reconcile this with the old adage that people like their 
 opposites ? Does not this apply only to opposite sexes ? 
 
 " Man (when successful) is happy in the love that he 
 feels ; woman in that which she inspires. [Only par- 
 tially true.] 
 
 " A red-hot poker is painful to the touch ; toss it in 
 water, and the heat, being diffused among the particles of 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 83 
 
 the liquid, will not burn. Thus, if our affections are di- 
 vided among many, we may pass through life without sor- 
 row ; it is only when they are concentrated on one object 
 that love becomes a consuming flame. [Good ; but the 
 poker is objectionable. Substitute something else for the 
 poker.] 
 
 ( ' As a little match will kindle a great fire, so doth 
 some trifling act of kindness, on the part of the opposite 
 sex, start the flame of love. 
 
 "Mr. Peewit says that a married couple should be 
 called three, instead of one ; because the woman is won, 
 and the man too. But this is a vile pun. I thought 
 Joseph was above such nonsense. 
 
 " "What respiration is to the body, so is love to the 
 soul ; an involuntary function, yet woman cannot exist 
 without it. 
 
 " Platonic love is an ignis fatuus. People may think 
 to grasp it, but no one ever felt it. 
 
 " Jealousy and love may exist together, like an amal- 
 gam of mercury and gold ; but the warmth of true 
 affection drives away all . trace of the ignoble portion of 
 the compound, and leaves the other pure. 
 
 " A mirror may diminish our vanity ; but love is only 
 increased by reflection. 
 
 " The imagination is the pilot-fish of love. 
 
84 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 " There may be •women who care nothing for men ; but 
 none are indifferent to Hymen. Marriage is said to be a 
 lottery ; but to enter into it without love, — to marry for 
 the sake of a husband, instead of the individual, — is like 
 throwing your money into the sea. Yea, more, — it is 
 like throwing yourself into a sea where all is bitterness. 
 
 " "Woman would rather be adored than adorable. 
 
 " The yoke of love, like a yoke of oxen, is a good thing 
 for the husbandman. 
 
 " To her who is indifferent, all men are men ; to her 
 who loves, there is but one man in the world ; all the rest 
 are merely human beings. 
 
 " If men knew all that women thought, and women all 
 that men thought, how very differently — [Erased]. 
 [This idea leads to such frightful conclusions, that I 
 shrink from pursuing it.] 
 
 " A woman with only beauty to recommend her is like 
 gilded copper. 
 
 " More women are lost by curiosity than by passion. 
 [How few men are aware of this !] 
 
 " ' The altar of Hymen,' says Mile. Sophie Arnauld, 
 ' is the extinguisher of Love.' 
 
 " Is it not rather his dark lantern, where the flame 
 may still burn brightly, although not displayed to the 
 world ? 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 85 
 
 " 27th. — Observed Charity sitting under the trees, 
 watching the proceedings of Messrs. Lovell and Peewit 
 in the melon-patch beyond. Saw him leave his office, 
 cross the garden, and enter into conversation with her. 
 Wishing to speak to Mr. P., I was necessarily obliged to 
 pass through the grove. As I did so, Charity caught me 
 by the hand, saying, — 
 
 " ' I want a witness. Listen ! 
 
 " ' You can give me your answer at another time,' said 
 he. 
 
 " ' No, sir,' she replied, ' I shall give it now ; and it is 
 the only one you will ever get. I declare to j^ou, in the 
 presence of Miss Griffin, that I am utterly indifferent to 
 you, and that, come what may, I will never consent to be 
 your wife.' 
 
 " He bowed and left. But as he turned to go I caught 
 his eye. Oh, the triumph of that moment ! "What morti- 
 fication and rage were shown in his face ! Truly I may 
 say that for once I have experienced happiness. Charity 
 is really a superior girl. No wonder Lovell is so infatu- 
 ated. 
 
 " Partook of a hearty meal at noon in my room. 
 
 "Evening. Went down to dinner for the first time 
 since my illness. The good doctor took me by the hand, 
 and kindly expressed his joy at seeing me about again. 
 My indisposition, he said, was owing to my not having 
 become accustomed to the perfect harmony and entire 
 absence of all mental agitation of our new life. Heigh- 
 ho ! How little man knows of the secret workings of a 
 woman's heart ! I could not eat ; and Joseph seemed 
 much concerned on my account. 
 
 " 28*7*. Sabbath. — Mr. Malpest at the breakfast-table 
 
 8 
 
86 THE rniLOSOPHERS OF FOUFOTTTILLE. 
 
 looked ill at ease, yet, with characteristic dissimulation, 
 he ate heartily. What an effort it must have been ! I 
 have quite recovered my health and spirits. Wore my 
 green dress, and Joseph could not take his eyes off me. 
 He was about to pay me some handsome compliment, 
 when Mrs. S. asked him to pass her the beans. She said 
 she once had a parrot whose colors matched mine exactly. 
 The malicious bloomer ! I told her I once saw an organ- 
 grinder with a dressed-up monkey, from whose costume 
 I presumed she had copied hers. 
 
 " Charity remained in her room, and Mr. Lovell had no 
 appetite. The doctor was in high spirits. Everything, 
 he said, was working so harmoniously. 
 
 " At ten o'clock he assembled us in the oratory, and 
 gave us a learned discourse on the prophets. He told us 
 that after forty years' hard study of Revelations, and of 
 Daniel's prophecy in relation to the four prophetic secular 
 monarchies of the Gentiles, the Babylonian, Medo-Pcrsian, 
 Grecian, and Roman, he had at last found the key by which 
 the portals of these mysteries were to be unlocked ; that 
 the explanation of the whole system was now clear to 
 him, both in its application to the past, the present, and 
 the future. From the incipient disintegration of the Ro- 
 man Empire, the 1260 days foretold (which mean years) 
 point clearly to the year 1866 as the beginning of the end 
 of the Pope. The Napoleonic dynasty, being the seventh 
 symbolical and the eighth apocabyptic head of the Ro- 
 man Empire, will achieve universal dominion preparatory 
 to its final overthrow. Louis Napoleon, being the true 
 666, is the last Anti-Christ, and the final depository of 
 Papal authority (for the Euphrates evidently means the 
 Seine, — Paris, as we know, being the modern Babylon). 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OP POUFOUVILLE. 87 
 
 He and Monsieur Eotlischild (who is typified, as the 
 dullest understanding can see, by the golden candlestick 
 with seven branches) are to lead the Jews back to Pales- 
 tine, and annihilate the Turks, Mormons, Quakers, and 
 all other heretics, on the field of Armageddon. 
 
 " The crucial point of the scheme is the year 1866, 
 when there will be a general cataclysm of nations, after 
 which the Millenium will begin. From Eevelations, third 
 chapter, he proves conclusively that the glorious period will 
 be inaugurated at Foufouville ; for Laoclicea, being rich 
 with gold, evidently stands for New York ; Philadelphia is 
 mentioned by name, and Foufouville, being midway be- 
 tween them, is clearly indicated under the symbolical 
 name of Sarclis.* 
 
 " Professor Malpest, who has doubtless passed a rest- 
 less night, fell asleep during the discourse. 
 
 " Mr. Lovell, strange to say, did the same. 
 
 " Joseph, who dislikes sermons, because, as he says, 
 they weary him, slipped away before the doctor began. 
 While taking a walk, he found a kitten, to whose tail some 
 mischievous youths had tied a tin cup, and who were 
 amusing themselves by stoning it and otherwise maltreat- 
 ing it. (Such is human nature !) Joseph took the unfor- 
 tunate waif a^pay from them and presented it to me. What 
 a kind heart he has ! Being a torn I named it Joe. 
 
 " Afternoon. — One Mr. Longshanks, a friend of Mi'. 
 Lovell's, arrived at noon. He is a fine-looking person 
 and I should think a man of sensibility. I wonder if he 
 is married. He and Lovell have been walking up and 
 
 *This discourse was published some year3 afterwards in a New York 
 newspaper, but, with the characteristic unscrupulousness of a piratical press, 
 was not credited to t)r. Goodenough. — Note by the Author. 
 
88 the rniLOsornEiis of foufotjville. 
 
 clown the garden for more than an hour, the latter appar- 
 ently somewhat excited. What can be the matter? It is 
 so close in my room that I will go and rest awhile in the 
 grove. 
 
 "Evening. — As I was passing through the garden, 
 I caught the following words. 
 
 Lovell. — ' — Right arm be withered — have her — fair 
 means or foul.' 
 
 " Longshanks. — ' Keep cool, my boy ; keep cool. Look 
 at me and see how cool I am. I'll have an interview with 
 the old man, and perhaps may affect a change in his 
 views. "What works did you say he had published? 
 Studies on the generation of Utopians, and what else? 
 
 •"Lovell. — 'No, no. You've got them mixed up. The 
 New Uto — * 
 
 "At this moment they entered the house so that I 
 unfortunately heard no more." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOVVILLE. 89 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 A Discussion between Dr. Goodenough and Mr. Longshanks. 
 
 For the report of most of the following conversation 
 we are indebted to Miss GritBn, and, as we know from 
 other sources that it took place immediately after the inci- 
 dents related at the conclusion of the last chapter, the 
 inference is unavoidable, that, led by her inquiring mind 
 and ardent desire to seek for the truth under all circum- 
 stances, that young lady must have hastened from the 
 garden up to her room, where, as we know, there were 
 peculiar facilities for finding out what was going on in 
 the doctor's study below. 
 
 In order not to take up valuable space, we omit the 
 preliminary words of mere politeness with which the dia- 
 logue began, and which ended in Dr. Goodenough and 
 Mr. Longshanks being seated opposite to each other. 
 
 Longshanks. — "I have made this pilgrimage to Har- 
 mony Hall, sir,- in the hope of being permitted before I die 
 to enjoy for once the society of the author of those philan- 
 thropical, those sublime, those immortal works, the de- 
 light and solace of my life, the ' Generation of Offspring ' 
 — I mean the — the — " 
 
 Dr. Goodenough. — " The Regeneration of Man? " 
 
 Long. — Yes, sir. That's it, 'The Regeneration of 
 Man, ' and ' Studies on the Development of Healthy Uto- 
 pians.' " 
 
 8* 
 
90 THE riULOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 Doctor. — " Offspring." 
 
 Long. — "I mean ' Offspring,' sir. You sec I am some- 
 what confused at finding myself in your presence for the 
 first time. Man cannot gaze on the sun, and preserve an 
 unruffled countenance. The great luminary is too much 
 for him." 
 
 Doctor. — "Stop, my good friend. Such language 
 should not be used to a mortal. I am but an humble 
 individual striving to benefit my fellow-man. If any 
 thanks are due for the success of my efforts, give them 
 not to me, but to the source of the inspiration that penned 
 those works. I am gratified to hear that they have had 
 so great an influence upon you. Thousands, na} T , millions 
 are destined to be affected in the same way. I presume 
 you contemplate joining our society at once ? " 
 
 Long. — "I regret to acknowledge, sir, that just at 
 present it is impossible for me to break the ties that bind 
 me to the world, however great may be my desire to do 
 so. It is to my friend Mr. Lovell (whose admiration of 
 your works is equal to my own) that I am indebted for 
 this happiness, the privilege of being here to-day. He is 
 a superior young man." 
 
 Doctor. — " Brother Leander is a worthy youth. His 
 instincts are good, though I fear he is yet somewhat 
 under the sway of his passions ; but I have given him 
 some sage advice, and do not doubt that he will yet over- 
 come them with the aid of reason." 
 
 Long. — "He is honorably connected, has excellent 
 principles, and is well educated." 
 
 Doctor. — "I cannot agree with you on the latter point. 
 Why, sir, he actually does not understand Greek ! " 
 
 Long. — "Of what use is Greek, sir, to a man in busi- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUFILLE. 91 
 
 ness, — that is, — I mean, who expected to go into busi- 
 ness?" 
 
 Doctor. — " Sir, Latin and Greek are the foundation of 
 all knowledge." 
 
 Long. — " But are they worth the time and trouble it 
 takes to acquire them ? What do you gain that is an ade- 
 quate compensation for years spent in the study of dead 
 languages ? " 
 
 Doctor. — " The discipline of the mind." 
 
 Long. — "'To discipline,' according to Dr. Johnson, 
 means ' to educate, to regulate, to keep in order, to 
 reform, to chastise.' Now, whichever of these words may 
 be substituted for ' discipline ' in the above expression, it 
 is evident that the effect — whatever it may be — is to be 
 produced either by the application and labor necessary in 
 learning these difficult languages, or else by reading the 
 books that are written in them. As to the applica- 
 tion and labor, as much, if not more, are required to mas- 
 ter mathematics, and the natural sciences ; but if it is the 
 study of a language, — of mere words without ideas, — 
 that is wanted to produce this peculiar effect of ' disciplin- 
 ing the mind,' we have modern languages, two of which, 
 French and German, are considered nearly if not quite 
 as difficult as Greek and Latin. 
 
 "If this 'disciplining the mind,' — whatever it may 
 mean, — is to be effected by reading the writings of antiq- 
 uity, it may be done by means of the very excellent trans- 
 lations that have appeared. It is true that a foreign 
 phrase cannot always be given in English, word for word, 
 and that certain idiomatic expressions may occasionally 
 lose something of their force ; but in a good translation 
 the spirit and ideas must remain essentially the same 
 
92 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 as in the original, and as the benefit to be gained is 
 derived, not from the mere words, but from the ideas, it 
 must remain the same, no matter in what tongue they are 
 expressed." 
 
 Doctor. — "You forget how much our pleasure is en- 
 hanced by reading the thoughts of the great minds of for- 
 mer times in their own language." 
 
 Long. — "It would be a pleasure dearly purchased by 
 years of preparatory study ; besides, if every one could 
 read these works in the original, how few would have 
 either the time or the inclination to do so ! or, if they had 
 is it certain that their perusal would repay them ? " 
 
 Doctor. — " Not repay them ? Herodotus, Plato, Pliny ! " 
 
 Long. " All the historical works of the Greeks and 
 Romans are filled with misrepresentation and supersti- 
 tion. They frequently give long and tiresome harangues 
 of ambassadors to ambassadors, or generals to their 
 troops, which were never really spoken. Suppose Mr. 
 Bancroft should write interminable disquisitions, and rep- 
 resent them in his ' History of the United States ' as ora- 
 tions delivered by General "Washington ; would his work 
 be considered trustworthy? On the contrary, the very 
 men who defend this fault in the ancient, would condemn 
 it in the modern writer. 
 
 " These old histories have other and more important 
 defects ; and he who reads them for the sake of informa- 
 tion becomes confused by the conflicting accounts of the 
 same events, the exaggerations and the prodigies related as 
 facts. He knows not what to believe, nor what to disbe- 
 lieve, and finishes them with a feeling of dissatisfac- 
 tion, if not of disgust. To become acquainted with 
 ancient history, we must turn to the pages of Gibbon, Nie- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 93 
 
 buhr, Milnor, and others, men of research and discrimi- 
 nation, who have studied and sifted the writings of antiq- 
 uity, and, rejecting what is evidently false, reconciling the 
 contradictions where it is possible to do so, and where it 
 is not, adopting the most probable version, have given us 
 works on which we can rely." 
 
 The doctor's face assumed as strong an expression of 
 contempt as was possible to appear on his benevolent 
 countenance. 
 
 Doctor. — " Perhaps, sir, you do not regard the philoso- 
 phers of ancient times as sages ? " 
 
 Long. — "The philosophers of antiquity have a high 
 reputation among the admirers of the classics ; and those 
 who have not read their writings doubtless imagine they 
 were the prototypes of the philosophers of modern times. 
 Excepting in regard to their mathematicians, there can 
 be no greater error. They were sometimes men of virtuous 
 lives, — according to the ideas of the age in which they 
 lived, — and their discourses undoubtedly contain some 
 words of true wisdom, — some beautiful and sublime 
 thoughts ; but, for each grain of these, the reader must wade 
 through an immense amount of chaff in the shape of long 
 and wearisome disquisitions, usually in the form of dia- 
 logues, full of hair-splitting differences of opinion on mat- 
 ters sometimes utterly unfathomable by human wisdom, and 
 sometimes easily solved, in this nineteenth century, with 
 but a school-boy's knowledge. Macaulay says that ' all 
 the metaphysical discoveries of all the philosophers, from 
 the time of Socrates to the Northern invasion, are not to 
 be compared in importance with those which have been 
 made in England every fifty years since the time of Eliz- 
 abeth.' John Adams says that after reading all these 
 
94 the rniLOsornERS of fovfovyille. 
 
 metaphysical subtleties of the ancients we have ' learned 
 nothing ; and economy of time requires that we should 
 waste no more in so idle an amusement.' Says Jefferson, 
 ' When Plato puts into the mouth of Socrates such quib- 
 bles on words and sophisms as a school-boy would be 
 ashamed of, we may conclude they were the whimsies of 
 his own foggy brain.' How puerile and nonsensical their 
 rigmaroles appear, compared with the works of a Bacon, 
 a Locke, or a Humboldt ! " 
 
 Mr. Longshanks had evidently become excited with his 
 subject. He rose to his feet, inadvertently kicking over 
 his chair as he did so ; and, with one foot planted in his 
 hat, whicb he had crushed on the floor, one arm akimbo, 
 and gesticulating rapidly with the other, he continued his 
 diatribe. As to the doctor, he was perfectly aghast, and 
 sat with open mouth, and spectacles on top of his head, 
 without proffering a word ; Uke the Aztecs, who, when the 
 Spaniards were pulling down their favorite idols, were so 
 taken by surprise at the audacious profanation, that they 
 seemed as if transfixed with horror and astonishment, 
 and could not move to their assistance. 
 Mr. Longshanks continued, as follows, — 
 " The best of the ethics of these long-winded old 
 heathens can be found in fewer words and clearer lan- 
 guage in the ten commandments. But if it is a waste of 
 time to read their moral philosophy, even though it be 
 correct, the same can hardly be said of their natural 
 philosophy, for if one-half the information they give us 
 in physical science is founded on fact, then the philoso- 
 phers of modern times hold some very erroneous 
 opinions, and the sooner they go through a course of 
 Plato, Socrates, etc., the better. The wonders revealed 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 95 
 
 by the telescope and microscope, and by chemical analy- 
 sis, are insignificant when compared to some of the dis- 
 coveries claimed by the sages of Greece. 
 
 " The ' Timeus ' of Plato is looked upon by pedants as 
 one of the most profound works ever written. Such is 
 its profundity, that persons whose mental vision is limited 
 by common sense are unable to see anything whatever in 
 its muddy depths. In this learned effusion we are in- 
 formed that there are just four elementary bodies, of 
 which all other substances are formed, namely : air, earth, 
 fire, and water ; and, moreover, that three of these ele- 
 ments are composed of scalene triangles, and the fourth 
 of isosceles triangles. 
 
 " One Anaximenes taught that the heavens were a vault 
 of solid crystal, in which the stars were inserted like 
 nails. The sun, he said, was about the same size as the 
 earth. But Anaxagoras looked upon Anaximenes with 
 contempt, because he could prove that its diameter was 
 no greater than that of the Peloponnesus ; while Herac- 
 litus considered them both ignoramuses ; for, in his eyes, 
 it was only as large as a house. Anaximander believed 
 the moon to be on fire ; Empedocles, that it was as far 
 from the earth as from the sun. One of these old wise- 
 acres telis us that the earth is square and flat ; another, 
 that it is shaped like a soup-plate ; and another that it has 
 the exact form of a kettle-drum. Zeno says that it is the 
 centre of the universe, and that the firmament revolves 
 around it ; and this was the general opinion of the ancients. 
 
 " Now, there once lived an English gentleman, named 
 Newton, — Sir Isaac Newton, — who is considered pretty 
 good authority on matters of natural science. And it was 
 the belief of this Sir Isaac Newton that these ancient 
 
96 TIIE rniLOSOPUERS OF foufouvjlle. 
 
 hypotheses were utterly false and absurd. The fact is 
 that in those days people had but little correct informa- 
 tion on physical matters. While they excelled in sculp- 
 ture and architecture, and had made considerable progress 
 in mathematics, and even in astronomy, notwithstanding 
 some erroneous notions, their geographical knowledge was 
 limited almost to the shores of the Mediterranean ; medi- 
 cine was in its infancy (and perhaps is still) ; surgery was 
 but a branch of butchery ; while chemistry, geology, and 
 other kindred sciences were utterly unknown. Lord Bacon 
 had not yet inculcated the principles of inductive science ; 
 and the so-called philosophers of the time, instead of seeking 
 to discover facts on which to found theories, began by 
 fancying some whimsical hypothesis, which they pretended 
 to prove by reasoning, more or less logical or illogical, or 
 by a statement of facts which they found, not in Nature, 
 but in their imaginations ; and it would seem that just in 
 proportion as their imaginations were vivid, did their 
 equally ignorant, but less imaginative followers look. up 
 to them as sages, and regard them with veneration. 
 
 " In the idle and ignorant population of Athens, these 
 old rhapsodists easily found a few followers, as Jane 
 Southcote, Mother Lee, Joe Smith, and other worthies 
 have done in more recent times ; but they and their doc- 
 trines were contemned by the more sensible of the people, 
 at least we may infer that such was the case, from the 
 writings of contemporary dramatists. 
 
 " Aristophanes, in his farce of the ' Clouds,' treats some 
 of the principal among them, and their teachings, with 
 the most unmeasured ridicule and contempt, not only 
 lavishing upon them such epithets as ' imbeciles,' and 
 'charlatan vagabonds,' but directly accusing them of 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 97 
 
 crimes against the morals of the people, and the religion 
 and laws of the State. The admirable dialogue between 
 impersonifications of justice and injustice is a biting crit- 
 icism on the ethics of the philosophers. Now, if these 
 gentlemen had been held in any estimation by the Athe- 
 nian public, it is hardly credible that Aristophanes would 
 have deliberately ventured to revile and ridicule them in 
 so merciless a manner. We may, therefore, conclude that 
 by all their contemporaries, excepting their immediate 
 followers, they were looked upon in very much the same 
 light as the crack-brained individual who, some years ago, 
 was accustomed to hold forth from the steps of the city 
 hall in New York, calling himself the Angel Gabriel. 
 
 " It was not discovered that they were sages until they 
 had become ancients. 
 
 " One somewhat unorthodox modern writer, named 
 Anthon, calls their notions ' a train of fanciful concep- 
 tions, numbers, ideas, proportions, qualities, and element- 
 ary forms, in which philosophers took refuge as the 
 asylum of ignorance.' 
 
 " In reading their absurdities, one is tempted to fancy 
 that if the individual who asserted that the moon was 
 made of green cheese, or old Mother Goose, who declared 
 that the cow jumped over it, had been so fortunate as to 
 have lived a few thousand years ago, they also might 
 have set up for philosophers. 
 
 "These old fellows appear. to have written their lucu- 
 brations rather for the sake of displaying their rhetorical 
 or argumentative powers, than for any useful purpose ; in 
 fact, they constantly assert, in their works, that it is be- 
 neath the dignity of philosophy to endeavor to alleviate 
 the physical sufferings, or to add to the material comforts 
 9 
 
98 TD.E PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 of life. The learned men — that is to say, the men of 
 science — of modern times, write, and not only write, but 
 study and labor in order to discover facts that may ben- 
 efit their fellow-men ; and the classical scholar, who 
 studies by gas-light, who travels by steam, who sends an 
 important message by the electric telegraph, who under- 
 goes a surgical operation, which, owing to the influence 
 of chloroform, seems like a pleasing dream, or who has 
 been saved from the small-pox by vaccination, is certainly 
 unappreciative and ungrateful, if he does not acknowl- 
 edge that the men to whom he owes these blessings have 
 done more for his happiness, and are more deserving of 
 admiration than all the stoic, epicurean, platonic, peri- 
 patetic, laughing and crying philosophers that ever lived." 
 
 Longshanks now paused to take breath. The doctor, 
 who was still in a bewildered state of mind, could, only 
 say, in an indignant tone, " Go on, sir, go on." 
 
 So Mr. Longshanks went on. 
 
 "Those who have not read the celebrated 'Natural 
 History' of Pliny sometimes labor under the delusion 
 that it is a standard work on this subject. Such is not 
 the opinion of Monsieur Cuvier. 
 
 " Some of the statements of Pliny are undoubtedly cor- 
 rect, such as that a cow has horns, an ass ears, etc. ; but 
 his work is chiefly filled with monstrous accounts of 
 dragons, winged horses, the phoenix, basilisks, salaman- 
 ders, mermaids, and fish that are connoisseurs of music. 
 Cuvier, one of the most profound and exact naturalists 
 that ever lived, and who gave the animal kingdom its 
 present classification, treats the work of Pliny with the 
 utmost contempt, calling its author ' a compiler devoid 
 of genius, research, or discrimination, or any personal 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 99 
 
 knowledge of the subject on which he wrote, who collected 
 in a confused mass, mingling what was false with what 
 was true, all the vulgar errors and superstitions of his 
 time.' 
 
 " Should some future biographer draw a Plutarchian 
 parallel between Pliny and Professor Agassiz, it would, 
 doubtless, be like this : ' If these great men resembled 
 each other in their lives, inasmuch as they both interested 
 themselves in natural history, they differed in their man- 
 ner of acquiring information. While the American sought 
 for facts by direct observation and experiment, the Ko- 
 man contented himself with noting down the silly super- 
 stitions of an ignorant people. If the modern is correct 
 as to his facts, and his theories are logical deductions 
 from them, those of the ancient are unworthy of belief, 
 and his speculations on them ridiculous. Lastly, if the 
 writings of Agassiz are invaluable to the student, those 
 of Pliny are as worthless and as incredible as the stories 
 of Baron Munchausen.' " 
 
 The doctor's indignation now became stronger than his 
 astonishment. However, he choked down his rising 
 wrath and with an effort at calmness, said, — 
 
 "I am astonished ; such paradoxical sentiments I 
 never heard expressed before. What is the world coming 
 to ? Now, granting for the sake of argument that the 
 ancient chroniclers are untrustworthy, the natural histori- 
 ans given to the supernatural, the philosophers unphilo- 
 sophical, what say you to the poets, dramatists, orators, 
 etc., — are not their works worth reading ? 
 
 Long. — "Many of them are, for some of them are 
 among the finest ever written ; but most of them contain 
 passages, or sentiments, so licentious and gross, that if 
 
100 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 found iii a modern book, they would cause it to be ban- 
 ished from a respectable library. 
 
 " The indiscriroinating admirers of the classics are 
 generally pedants who have been educated in the idea 
 that these works arc the perfection of human genius, and 
 judging everything by its comparison with the ancient, 
 every modern performance appears to them defective .just 
 inasmuch as it differs from their false standard ; as the 
 Hottentot, comparing the missionary's white wife with 
 his own sable mistress, objects to her fair complexion, 
 and clear blue eyes, and deems no article of her dress so 
 becoming as the ring in his lad}''s nose. 
 
 " These pedants sometimes have sufficient discernment 
 to detect the real faults in a contemporary work, but 
 their perverted judgment can see none in one written two 
 thousand years ago. In every silly platitude or ridicu- 
 lous error they fancy some occult meaning. As Thack- 
 eray sarcastically observes, ' They would mention Pythag- 
 oras' precept to abstain from beans, and say that he 
 probably meant to insinuate thereby that wise men should 
 abstain from public affairs ; ' or Dean Swift, — 
 
 " ' As learned commontators view 
 In Homer more than Homor knew.' 
 
 " This propensity to admire the old, apparently only 
 because old, at the expense of the new, has always pre- 
 vailed. Even some of those whom we now regard as 
 ancients complained of this as an injustice to themselves. 
 Thus Horace, in his first epistle to Augustus, speaking 
 of some poem written several centuries before his time, 
 asks, ' Are verses like wine which time renders better ? ' 
 And again, in the same letter, ' Is it reasonable that peo- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 101 
 
 pie should go into ecstasies over a long poem for a bril- 
 liant word here and there, or a few verses that run 
 smoothly ? ' 
 
 " If what I have urged against ancient literature be 
 false, and all the classics, unreliable historians, ignorant 
 philosophers, immoral poets, and all deserved to be read, 
 and it were worth while to learn Latin and Greek in 
 order to read them, there would still remain an argument 
 against the enforced study of these languages, which is 
 wholly disconnected with the value, or worthlessness, of 
 works written in them ; this is, that of all those who are 
 obliged to spend so much time in poring over Latin 
 • Grammars and Greek lexicons not one in a thousand 
 acquires sufficient proficiency to read Latin and Greek 
 with any fluency, or consequently any pleasure ; and of 
 those, but a very small portion ever go through a course 
 of classical reading, or, in fact, ever read one quarter of 
 the standard works in their own language ; while, as to 
 the great majority of students, they who cannot or will 
 not become proficients in the dead languages, school and 
 college days over, the classics are thrown aside forever, 
 and the mass of words forced into unwilling minds, at the 
 expense of so much time and trouble, are soon forgotten 
 in the turmoil of business and society. Hence, whatever 
 advantages there may be in knowing Latin and Greek, 
 they are lost to them, and the years they were obliged to 
 waste in endeavoring to learn them, and which might 
 have been profitably employed, have been spent in vain." 
 
 Longshanks' flood of words was apparently too much 
 for the doctor. He appeared to be almost overcome, and 
 made but feeble efforts to stem the torrent. 
 
 Doctor. — "We sometimes meet learned foreigners 
 9* 
 
102 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 who do not speak English, but understand the dead lan- 
 guage-.'' 
 
 Long. — " Sir, you might as well learn Hebrew in the 
 hope of some day having a chat with the Wandering 
 Jew." 
 
 Doctor. — "Think how much a classical education 
 adds to our appreciation of the beautiful, architectural, 
 and sculptural remains of antiquity." 
 
 Long. — "Think how much a kuowledge of French 
 adds to our appreciation of Paris fashions, and how much 
 speaking Chinese would improve the flavor of tea ! " 
 
 Doctor. — "The study of Latin and Greek facilitates 
 the acquisition of modern languages." 
 
 Long. — " This is true ; but it is absurd to offer it as 
 an argument for learning them. You might as well say 
 that a man should learn to ride on an elephant that he 
 might the more easily learn to ride on horseback." 
 
 Doctor. — (With an air of triumph,) "The deriva- 
 tion of words." 
 
 Long. — "Many of our words are derived from Latin 
 and Greek, and many more from French, German, etc. ; 
 but none of these are original languages, and suppose 
 they were, what of it? Of what advantage would it be 
 to know the derivation of words ? " 
 
 Doctor — " It would give us a clearer comprehension 
 of our own tongue." 
 
 Long. — "I think not, sir. While many words have 
 the same meaning as their foreign or ancient derivatives, 
 others have changed or modified their signification, and 
 are still doing so, as any person who has read works 
 written in English a few centuries, or even a century 
 ago, must be aware. Now if a word conveys precisely 
 
THE PHILOSOPHEBS OF FOUFOOVILLE. 103 
 
 the same idea in English as its derivative, it is impossible 
 that a knowledge of the language of the latter can make 
 its meaning any clearer to us ; while, if the derivative has 
 a different sense, it is plain that an acquaintance with 
 that fact must cause the English word to carry less pre- 
 cision of signification to the mind, by confusing us with 
 two ideas at once. We do not experience a double en- 
 joyment by listening at the same time to two different 
 pieces of music. 
 
 " But supposing this was not so, and that understanding 
 the dead languages was an advantage to us in English, 
 would not this be a very trifling return to urge as a reason 
 for giving up years to their study ? 
 
 " To a lexicographer a knowledge of the derivation of 
 words is essential, and the more he knows of Greek, 
 Latin, Hebrew, Sanscrit, French, German, High Dutch, 
 Low Dutch, Saxon, Norse, Danish, Persian, Chaldee, etc., 
 etc., etc., the better. But we do not all intend to compile 
 dictionaries ; and it may well be doubted, if, to those who 
 do not, it would be of any more practical utility to have 
 at their tongues' end the derivation of every word in the 
 language, than when eating an apple-pie to know where 
 the apples came from." 
 
 The doctor sank back in his chair and actually gasped 
 for breath. It was some minutes before he recovered 
 from the shock his feelings had received. 
 
 Doctor. — "The dead languages are a good basis to 
 the various pursuits of life." 
 
 Long. — " There are few pursuits to which such a basis 
 is worth its expense. A four-story house may require a 
 foundation fifteen or twenty feet in depth ; but a man 
 
104 THE PniLOSOPHEIlS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 would be a fool who built oue equally deep for his hen« 
 house. 
 
 " Among the professions in the study of which Latin 
 and Greek arc supposed to be of the greatest service, are 
 medicine and law; yet many physicians and lawyers 
 have risen to eminence without them. It may, indeed, be 
 asserted that classical learning would have been of some 
 assistance to them ; but it can be said, on the other hand, 
 that the time which, under other circumstances, they 
 would have spent in acquiring it, was doubtless passed in 
 gaining knowledge more directly useful. It is true there 
 are some Latin and Greek words and phrases, that a 
 physician or lawyer is obliged to understand ; but these 
 are so few that they can easily be learned in studying the 
 rudiments of his profession. To learn a whole language 
 for the sake of a dozen words is no more reasonable than 
 it would be to gather a whole orchard of apples to make 
 the apple-pie just spoken of. 
 
 " There will doubtless alwa}^s be found some persons to 
 maintain that a knowledge of Latin and Greek is neces- 
 sary in their particular avocations. Whether they be 
 right or wrong, let them study these languages if they 
 will ; let them become perfect Porsons if they can ; but 
 because they think this learning useful to them, — a few, 
 — is it right that its attempted acquisition should be 
 made obligatory on everybody else ? It is no more just 
 than it would be for the whole world of M. D.s, D.D.s, 
 LL.D.s, and all to be forced to waste a portion of their 
 lives in learning to turn back somersets or to walk on 
 their heads, because they are accomplishments required 
 in the calling of a clown. In fact, considering the little 
 attention given to physical development in the United 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 105 
 
 States, I think that these gymnastic performances might 
 be substituted for the dead languages with great advan- 
 tage, not only to the bodily but to the intellectual pro- 
 gress of the rising generation. 
 
 " Yet this supposition that Latin and Greek are of use 
 in a few professions is one of the principal pretexts for 
 making everybody study them. Would it not be wiser to 
 confine the efforts of young scholars to the gaining of 
 information useful to all, leaving it to those who think 
 they will need these languages, the time, trouble, and ex- 
 pense of learning them ? " 
 
 A smile of complacent scorn passed over the doctor's 
 face. 
 
 "Happily, sir," said he, "your absurd notions are not 
 shared in by others." 
 
 Long. — " You are mistaken, sir. I have in my pocket 
 a paper on education, by the Rev. Sidney Smith, and as 
 his profession, his reputation, and his known moderation, 
 learning, and ability add weight to his words, I will take 
 the liberty of reading a few passages. He says, ' There 
 never was a more complete instance in any country of 
 such extravagant and overacted attachment to any branch 
 of knowledge than that which obtains in England with 
 regard to classical knowledge. . . . Now, this long career 
 of classical study you may, if you please, denominate a 
 foundation ; but it is a foundation so far above ground, 
 that there is absolutely no room to put anything upon it. 
 If you occupy a man with one thing till he is twenty-four 
 years of age, you have exhausted all his leisure time. 
 He is called into the world and compelled to act, or is 
 surrounded with pleasures, and thinks and reads no more. 
 If you have neglected to put other things into him, they 
 
106 THE PIIILOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUriLLE. 
 
 will never get in afterwards. If you have fed him only 
 with words, he will remain a narrow and limited being 
 to the end of his existence. . . . When a young man 
 has finished his education, the great system of facts 
 with which he is most perfectly acquainted are the in- 
 trigues of the heathen gods, . . . talents for speculation 
 [speculation, so useful to an American], and original in- 
 quiry he has none, nor has he formed the invaluable habit 
 of tracing things up to their first principles, or of collect- 
 ing dry and unamusing facts as the materials of reason- 
 ing. ... A classical scholar is a man principally ac- 
 quainted with the works of the imagination ; ... all the 
 solid and masculine parts of his. understanding are left 
 wholly without cultivation.' Speaking of classical ped- 
 ants, he says, ' Their minds have been so completely pos- 
 sessed by exaggerated notions of classical learning, that 
 they have not been able, in the great school of the world, 
 to form any other notion of real greatness ; . . . their ob- 
 ject in life is not to reason, imagine, or invent, but to 
 conjugate, decline, and derive. . . . The English clergy, 
 in whose hands education chiefly rests, bring up the first 
 young men in the country as if they were all to keep 
 grammar schools. . . . An infinite quantity of talent is 
 thus annually destroyed in the universities. ... In those 
 who were destined for the church, we would undoubtedly 
 encourage classical learning more than in any other body 
 of men ; but if we had to do with a young man going out 
 into public life, we would exhort him to contemn, or at 
 least not to affect, the reputation of a great scholar. He 
 should learn what the constitution of his country was, 
 how it had grown into its present state, the perils that 
 had threatened it, the malignity that had attacked it, the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 107 
 
 courage that had fought for it, the wisdom that had made 
 it great.' Sidney Smith wrote only for England ; but if 
 this excessive devotion to classical studies is uncalled for 
 there, where so large a portion of those who go through 
 it are born to hereditary fortunes, and are consequently 
 at leisure to pass their lives in the cultivation of liter- 
 ary tastes, or in doing nothing, how much more useless 
 must it be in America, where so few can afford to be 
 idle? 
 
 " The majority of men in the United States are engaged 
 in mercantile or agricultural pursuits. Now, granting 
 that a knowledge of the dead languages may be of some 
 assistance in two or three professions, will any one assert 
 that they can be of as much use to a merchant or farmer 
 as the modern languages to the former or the natural 
 sciences to the latter ? 
 
 " Thomas Jefferson, — a man of wealth, of classical learn- 
 ing, and an admirer of the best writings of antiquity, 
 who lived while the paramount utility of classical studies 
 was still unquestioned, before science had perfected the 
 steam-engine, the electric telegraph been thought of, or 
 Liebig published his researches in agricultural chemistry, 
 — when asked his opinion as to the study of Latin and 
 Greek, spoke doubtingly in its favor, adding, ' For the 
 merchant, I should not say those languages are a necessity ; 
 ethics, mathematics, geography, political economy, his- 
 tory, seem to constitute the immediate foundations of 
 his calling ; the agriculturist needs ethics, mathematics, 
 chemistry, and natural philosophy.' But there is no hesi- 
 tation in his mind when speaking of French. ' The French 
 language,' he says, ' become that of the general inter- 
 course of nations, and, from their extraordinary advances, 
 
108 THE rniLOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 now the depository of all science, is an indispensable part 
 of the education of both sexes.' 
 
 " He gave a practical illustration of the comparative 
 value he placed on different branches of study by the 
 course he proposed should be pursued at the University 
 of Virginia. The students being supposed to have re- 
 ceived an elementary education, only a part of the first 
 year was to be given to languages ; the rest of that year, 
 and the whole of the two following ones were to be devoted 
 to mathematics and scientific studies, particularly chemis- 
 try, gcolog}^, botany, and mineralogy ; ' but the students 
 were not to be all held to one prescribed course of study. 
 Elementary qualification only was required in general 
 knowledge, while they were at liberty to apply themselves 
 more exclusively to those branches which were to qualify 
 them for the particular vocations to which they were des- 
 tined.' 
 
 " Now, if these studies were worthy of the high compara- 
 tive position thus assigned them fifty or sixty years ago, 
 of how much greater importance must they be -at the 
 present time, when such advances have been made in all 
 of them? 
 
 " It is not to the men of classical learning, but to the 
 men of science that we are indebted for nearly all the 
 comforts of civilized life. The mere classical scholar may 
 possibly be an ornamental, but he certainly is not a useful, 
 member of society. A Davy, a Watts, a Fulton, a 
 Franklin, the inventor of a reaping or sewing machine, 
 a steam plough, or a method of lessening the cost of 
 cotton, iron, or any other commodity, contributes more to 
 the happiness of mankind than all the Porsons, Bentleys, 
 Ileynes, or Mczzofantis that ever lived. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 109 
 
 " Few discoverers or inventors have been men of classical 
 attainments. If they had been, it is possible that many 
 of them would have frittered away their lives in weighing 
 the value of Greek particles, in hunting for ' anapaests in 
 the wrong place,' or in muddling their brains with the 
 ' Sylburgian method of arranging defectives ; ' civilization 
 would be fifty years behindhand ; it would take a week to 
 go from New York to Albany ; our Brussels carpets (if 
 we had any) would be soiled by grease spots from our 
 tallow candles ; vanity of love would pay a hundred dollars 
 for a portrait, or go without it, instead of getting a pho- 
 tograph (which is better) for fifty cents ; our matchless 
 city press would be confined to a single newspaper about 
 the size of the ' Foufouville Gazette,' but costing four 
 times as much ; and land would not be worth as many 
 hundreds as it is now worth thousands of dollars." 
 
 Longshanks again paused. He evidently thought (to 
 use a metaphorical expression) that he had laid the doc- 
 tor out flat, but he found that the old gentleman was not 
 to be put down so easily. 
 
 Doctor. — " Let natural philosophy, botany, astronomy, 
 chemistry (organic, inorganic, analytic, and synthetic) ; 
 agriculture, horticulture, arboriculture, and all the other 
 cultures ; mineralogy, geology, physiology, conchology, 
 paleontology, ichthyology, ornithology, zoology, and all 
 the other ologies ; geography, photography, topography, 
 and all the other ographies ; optics, acoustics, mathemat- 
 ics, — the whole course ; — arithmetic, algebi'a, geometry, 
 ditto, descriptive and anatytic ; mensuration of surfaces 
 and solids ; equations of the point and straight lines ; conic 
 sections ; line and plane in space ; general equation of the 
 second degree ; surfaces of the second order ; spherical 
 10 
 
110 THE rJIILOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 projections (particularly useful to military men) ; trigo- 
 nometry, plane and spherical ; the calculus, differential 
 and integral; surveying; plane, geodesic, trigonometric, 
 and maritime ; mechanics ; hydraulics ; lights and shadows ; 
 perspective, linear and angular; engineering ; theodolites ; 
 transits; protractors; prismatic compasses ; circumferen- 
 tcrs ; logarithms ; sines and tangents ; traverse tables, 
 plane tables, and puzzling tables, — let them all be studied, 
 with French, German, and Spanish, too ; but why give up 
 Latin and Greek ? Why not learn them also ? " 
 
 This fearful volley of words staggered Longshanks. 
 He dropped into his chair, and his battery was silenced 
 for the space of a full minute. lie muttered to himself 
 "the life of man is but threescore and ten years." Then 
 he spoke aloud. 
 
 Long. — " There can be no Admirable Crichtons, no 
 men of universal knowledge in this nineteenth century ; 
 life is too short, and memory too limited ; a selection 
 must be made, and since some attainments have to be 
 rejected, would it not be wisest to let them be such as 
 are of no practical utility, confining our attention to 
 those that will be most likely to aid us on our way 
 through the world ? " 
 
 Doctor. — "Sir, I would not permit a daughter of 
 mine to learn French ; there are too many vil£ books 
 published in that language." 
 
 Loxg. — "Then, sir, for the same reason, you should 
 not teach her to read English, and still less, Greek and 
 Latin. Sir, every advantage that can truthfully be urged 
 in favor of the study of dead languages applies also to 
 modern ones ; while a knowledge of the latter is attended 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. Ill 
 
 by many benefits, to which no one can pretend that the 
 former have any claim. 
 
 " If understanding the former enables us more easily 
 to learn the latter, the converse of the proposition is also 
 true ; that understanding the latter enables us more easily 
 to learn the former ; and if both are worth acquiring it is 
 surely best to begin with the most useful ones. 
 
 "If we sometimes meet with a Greek or Latin phrase 
 that it would be well to understand, for every such phrase 
 we see whole books in French, German, Spanish, or Ital- 
 ian, that it would be well to read. 
 
 " The pitiful argument of satisfying vanity, applies to 
 the one as well as to the other. 
 
 " But the great and most important advantage that a 
 modern language has over an ancient one is the fact that 
 it is spoken by existing nations, and may be of service 
 not merely as an amusement for idle hours, but also in the 
 professional or business relations of life. We constantly 
 meet Europeans who do not understand English, and we 
 are deprived of a pleasure, and perhaps of a profit, when 
 we cannot converse with them ; but there is no danger 
 that we will ever meet with an ancient Greek or Roman 
 (unless through the agency of a spiritual medium, and as 
 ghosts, the whole of them, Caesar, Pompey, Homer, and 
 all speak English, more or less grammatically). When I 
 hear a man boast of being a good Greek and Latin scholar 
 I cannot help thinking as of a good billiard-player, ' Alas ! 
 how much time he must have wasted.' 
 
 " For more than a thousand years they have been dead 
 languages, doctors of law have thoroughly dissected them, 
 is it not time that they were buried in oblivion?" 
 
 During the latter part of Longshanks' diatribe the doc- 
 
112 THE PIIILOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 tor's wrath rod indignation were gradually getting the 
 upper hand of him. He endeavored to maintain his 
 equanimity, and grew red in the face from his efforts 
 to do so ; but when Loiig.shanks had the audacity to pro- 
 pose to bury in oblivion the languages of Homer and 
 Horace he could no longer restrain his anger. Jumping 
 up, in a high state of excitement, he exclaimed, — 
 
 " Stop, sir. I will listen to no more. Patience has 
 ceased to be a virtue. I did not suppose that such igno- 
 rance, conceit, and folly, existed in the world. Sir, you 
 arc a — a — but pardon me, pardon me. I am forgetting 
 myself." 
 
 Long. — " Pardon me, sir. It is I who have forgotten 
 mj'sclf, or rather who forgot you. In the heat of argu- 
 ment I became oblivious of the fact that I was in the pres- 
 ence of the author of that sublime work, ' Studies on the 
 Regen— '" 
 
 Doctor — "No more compliments if j'ou please, sir, 
 for as the eloquent Tusculan says, ' Quanquam ista assen- 
 tatio, quamvis perniciosa sit, nocere tamen nemini potest, 
 nisi ei, qui earn recipit atque in ea delectatur.' " 
 
 Long. — "I do not quite comprehend all that, sir, for I 
 do not speak Greek." 
 
 Doctor. — " You see now what you have lost by not 
 devoting three or four years to the study of dead lan- 
 guages. Allow me to present you with this copy of the 
 New Utopia. I hope you will read it with more attention 
 than you seem to have given to my other works. You 
 will find that its perusal will strengthen your powers of 
 reason, and enlarge your views considerably." 
 
 Long. — "Accept my thanks, sir, for this invaluable 
 work. I am impatient to begin the study of its sublime 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 113 
 
 truths, for, as the sage of Geneva says, ' II y a tant de 
 contradictions entre les droits de la Nature et nos lois 
 sociales, que pour les concilier il faut gauchir et tergiv- 
 erser sans cesse.' " 
 
 Doctor. — " What language is that ? " 
 
 Long. — " French." 
 
 Doctor. — "French! Don't talk French to me, sir. 
 The French are all infidels. What do they know about 
 social philosophy, or anything else ? Listen to the words 
 of Socrates — " 
 
 Long. — " Socrates be hanged, sir. Socrates was a fool 
 compared to Voltaire or Rousseau." 
 
 Doctor. — (Stamping his foot with rage.) "Leave 
 these premises, sir. You will contaminate this peaceful, 
 God-fearing community. Awajr, sir — away." 
 
 Long. — "I go, sir. And here (flinging the New Uto- 
 pia on the floor) take your confounded Utopian nonscnsej' 
 
 So Mr. Longshanks went out, slamming the door, and 
 leaving the doctor striding up and down the floor in a 
 state of violent agitation. Longshanks found Leander 
 waiting for him in the hall, and also much agitated, for 
 having heard loud words between the two gentlemen, and 
 naturally supposing himself to be the object of them, he 
 was in much perturbation of mind as to the result of the 
 interview. So the moment he saw Longshanks emerge 
 from the study, he rushed up to him and grasping his 
 hand, anxiously inquired if " it was happily settled?" 
 
 "What, Len, what?" asked Longshanks, who was still 
 rather bewildered after his violent altercation with the 
 doctor. 
 
 " ' What ! ' you ask me ' what ' ! " said poor Leander. 
 
 " Oh ! Ah ! Your scrape with Miss Goodenough — well 
 10* 
 
114 THE PniLOSOPnERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 — well — yes — no — now I remember. No, I cannot 
 exactly say that we did arrange the matter — that is to 
 say — not definitely." 
 
 " Tell me what was clone," said Leandcr. " Why do you 
 keep me in suspense ? What did the doctor propose ? " 
 
 " Nothing." 
 
 " Nothing ! " 
 
 " My poor Lenny," said Longshanks, the truth is, he 
 got me on the subject of dead languages, my bete noir; 
 and being pretty well primed, for I delivered an oration 
 thereon last week before the ' Young • Men's Debating 
 Club ' of Mackerelville, I floored him easily, but as ill-luck 
 would have it, I became excited in the heat of discussion 
 by the old gentleman's absurd arguments, and entirely for- 
 got wdiat I went in for, — never thought of }'ou or your 
 affair, — 'pon honor, but wasted an hour in trying to con- 
 vince the doctor that he was a regular old fool, and got 
 kicked out of his office for my pains." 
 
 Leander ran his hands through his hair, though he did 
 not pluck any out by the roots, as some despairing lovers 
 are said to have done. 
 
 " What can I do? What can I do?" said he. 
 
 " Cut the whole crew," answered Longshanks, " and 
 come back with me to Wall Street." 
 
 " Leave her," cried Lovell ; " never while life endures. 
 And do you, my friend, intend to desert me at this mo- 
 ment?" 
 
 " Now just be reasonable," answered Longshanks, 
 " I can be of no use to you here, with her father exas- 
 perated against me ; and, even were it otherwise, our 
 business makes it imperative on me to be in town to-mor- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0UV7LLE. 115 
 
 row morning, so I must take myself off as soon as possi- 
 ble." 
 
 Longshanks left ; and Leancler, hoping to find relief 
 from the thoughts that oppressed him, in bodily exertion, 
 went to work in the melon-patch ; but he soon became 
 wearied, and sitting down on a stone,' like Marius on the 
 ruins of Carthage, or Achilles mourning for Briseis, sat 
 ruminating on his blasted hopes until the shades of night 
 had fallen. 
 
116 THE PniLOSOrUERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 A Convention of the Female Mights Association. 
 
 " By Venus I the republic will henceforth be happy." 
 
 Aristophanes, in " The Assembly of Wojnen." 
 
 The seventeenth annual convention of the Female 
 Eights Association was held about this time ; and, as some 
 of the Harmonians figured therein, an account of what 
 took place may expose some of the causes that brought 
 about the unfortunate termination of the philanthropical 
 experiment at Harmony Hall, which, as we have seen, 
 began so auspiciously. "We will, therefore, compile from 
 the newspapers of the day a report of the proceedings, 
 conforming as much as possible to the language of our 
 authorities, but omitting whatever may be irrelevant to 
 the object we have in view. 
 
 MORNING SESSION. 
 
 Dr. Mary Mott called the meeting to order, and pro- 
 posed as chairman that noble champion of right, that sin- 
 cere friend to woman, Professor Nicholas Malpest. 
 
 This gentleman, whose lectures on reform have been 
 listened to by hundreds of admiring auditors throughout 
 the rural districts, would doubtless have been chosen 
 without opposition, had it not been for a Miss Griffin, 
 who rose in an excited manner and objected to a man 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 117 
 
 being called upon to preside over an assembly composed 
 principally of the opposite sex. 
 
 "When," said she, "has a woman (though men sneer 
 at her fondness for talking) ever been chosen Speaker of 
 the House of Representatives ? When was any woman 
 ever admitted into any of our legislative halls, excepting 
 as a mere spectator, to listen to interminable arguments 
 on dry political or financial questions, any of which she 
 could answer without thought? [Cries of ' Hear, hear ! '] 
 Is it because woman is inferior to man? Is it because 
 she has nothing to say for herself? [Indignant shouts of 
 ' No, NO ! '] There is no reason ; and until men vote for 
 women, I shall vote for no man." [Cries of " Good, 
 good ! " and great applause.] 
 
 Professor Malpcst now rose, and stated that his name 
 had been proposed without his sanction, and much to his 
 surprise [Ironical cries of " Oh, Oh ! " from the gallery], 
 and that he would gladly waive any claims he might have 
 to the honor sought to be conferred upon him in conse- 
 quence of his humble though arduous efforts in the glo- 
 rious cause of woman, and he begged to propose, as a 
 fitting candidate for the high position of chairman, that 
 ornament to her sex, Mrs. Elizabeth Strongitharm. 
 
 Mrs. Strongitharm was elected by acclamation, although 
 there was one dissentient voice, supposed to have been 
 Miss Griffin's, as she was heard to say she " would rather 
 have a man." 
 
 The meeting being organized, Miss. Lucy Blackball, 
 perpetual secretary to the association, proceeded to read 
 some of the letters of excuse. 
 
 The first one read was from that well-known hu- 
 
118 TUB MILOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 nianitarian, Dr. Jonathan Goodenough. It was as fol- 
 lows, — 
 
 " Focfoutille, 14th 2d Mo., A. II. 1. 
 
 "Respected Madam and Sister in Progress, — The 
 engrossing duties attendant on the happy realization of 
 my grand scheme of human regeneration, in preparing for 
 the influx of the coming multitudes of rejoicing Utopians, 
 will prevent me from taking part in the convention. 
 
 11 1 regret this the more, as I had contemplated deliver- 
 ing a discourse which would have conclusively demon- 
 strated to all nations the advisability of at once estab- 
 lishing phalansteries in every part of the globe. \ 
 
 " Accept for the Association, with my best wishes for 
 its success, the accompanying copies of my works, and 
 believe me, 
 
 " Respectfully, 
 
 " Your brother in progress, 
 " J. Goodenough." 
 
 The following were then read in order, — 
 
 "Wall Stkeet, May 1st. 
 
 "Mr. Richard Longshanks regrets that previous engage- 
 ments will prevent him from accepting the polite invitation 
 to be present at the convention of the F. R. A., trans- 
 mitted to him by the kindness of Miss Griffin. 
 
 " Whatever airs of superiority may be arrogated to 
 themselves by other men, Mr. Longshanks begs to 
 assure the ladies that he will ever acknowledge himself 
 their slave. Woman shall ever be his mistress." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 119 
 
 " Lebanon, May 2d, 1850. 
 
 "Madam, — I respectfully decline further attendance 
 at the meetings of the F. R. A., and beg to withdraw my 
 name from the list of members ; my views in regard to the 
 objects sought to be obtained having undergone a mate- 
 rial change. 
 
 " Yours, sincerely, 
 
 " Mary Ann Ketctium. 
 
 " P. S. It will doubtless afford you great gratification 
 to be informed that I have decided to change my condi- 
 tion, considering it a duty that every woman owes, not 
 only to the present generation but to those yet unborn, 
 and have therefore accepted — after mature deliberation 
 — the honorable offer of Mr. John Shaker. 
 
 "M. A. K." 
 
 This letter called forth much animadversion, and sev- 
 eral ladies, among whom Miss Griffin and Miss Crane 
 were conspicuous, became quite excited and insisted that 
 it be publicly burnt and the writer expelled from the 
 Association. After considerable discussion the subject 
 was dropped, as most of the gentleman seemed quite in- 
 different to it. 
 
 The secretary then favored the audience with this elo- 
 quent and characteristic epistle from Ralpho Bunsby, Esq. 
 
 Boston, April 29th, 1850. 
 
 " ' Non facio.' — The finite and the infinite are incom- 
 mensurable. It is predicable that man's-battle cry is 
 ' Tally-ho ! — Such is the physiological sequence of woman's 
 
120 THE PniLOSOPnERH OF foufouville. 
 
 alliciency. Who shall solve the social problem? Society 
 cannot be crystallized. It is too carbonic. What is the 
 man of society ? A sham. All barber and tailot. What 
 is the woman of society? A sham. All is artificial. I 
 prefer woman in a state of nature. Know thyself. So be 
 it; So let it be. What is the soul? Read Homer ; read 
 Plato ; read Aristotle ; read Dante. Such is the prima 
 philo8qphia. The Platonic is the poetic tendency. "lis 
 quite certain that Brigham Young is a Platonist. Is not his 
 sj^stem corporeally spiritual ? Bacon and Locke were true 
 poets. So were Arkwright and Watts. Poets of the 
 cotton-loom, and steam engines. But the word cannot be 
 applied to Byron and Moore. Shakespeare was received 
 with apathy, which demonstates the elevation of the Brit- 
 ish intellect in the sixteenth century, as I have observed 
 in my ' Bovine Traits.' 
 
 " Whoever requires facts on which to base an argument 
 is wanting in the poetic faculty, — in ideality. Woman 
 is an idealist. Hence she is superior to man. Yet she 
 cannot exist without him, nor he without her. Without 
 him, she would be a human Sahara, — a barren waste. 
 Without her, his entity would become intangible. United 
 they make one, and then proceed to make many. The 
 vacuist vainly strives to vaticinate futurity. The epoptca 
 of the mystic Eleusinia of Nature are not cis-Styxian. 
 Psycho-Pompos can alone initiate us. The age is full of 
 nonsense. I want common sense. 
 
 " R. B." 
 
 Mr. Peewit rose and begged to inquire what Mr. Bunsby 
 meant. 
 The chairman requested the gentlemen to take his seat. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 121 
 
 Several persons desired to know whether or not Mr. 
 Bunsby was coming. 
 
 The chairman asked if the letter itself was not suffi- 
 ciently explicit, and said that she " had never heard a 
 more lucid and philosophical discourse from the pen of 
 that profound thinker." 
 
 The secretary, with a look of contempt at the inquirers, 
 offered to read the letter again ; but somebody having 
 stated that it was clear Mr. Bunsby was coming, the prop- 
 osition was unanimously voted down. 
 
 The subjoined communication from the President of 
 the United States was now listened to with marked atten- 
 tion. 
 
 " TO THE SECRETARY OF THE FEMALE RIGHTS ASSOCIA- 
 TION. 
 
 "White House, May 1, 1850. 
 
 "Madam, — I have had the honor to receive your 
 polite invitation to attend the seventeenth annual conven- 
 tion of the F. R. A., for the purpose of considering the 
 best method of obtaining those social, political, and relig- 
 ious reforms, that are demanded by the enlightenment and 
 progress of the nineteenth century. 
 
 "Although deeply sympathizing — as every patriot 
 must — with all movements that tend to increase the 
 honor and welfare of our beloved country, I am neverthe- 
 less constrained to express ray regret that the heavy pres- 
 sure of public duties will deprive me of the pleasure of 
 assisting at the convention of the F. R. A. 
 
 " I have the honor to be, madam, 
 « Veiy respectfully 
 
 "Yourob't serv't." 
 11 
 
122 THE rniLOSOPUERS OF F0UF0UV1LLE. 
 
 fThc original of the above lies before us. The signa- 
 ture has been cut out by some enthusiastic autograph 
 hunter.] 
 
 On motion of Miss Griffin, seconded by Miss Crane, it 
 was 
 
 " Resolved, That a vote of thanks be presented to the 
 President for the sympathy, and elevation of character 
 displayed in his letter." 
 
 Next came an epistle from the lion. "Win. H. Steward ; 
 but as it covered twenty-four pages of letter-paper we 
 cannot afford space for it. 
 
 This was followed by a letter from that rising states- 
 man, the Hon. A. J. Jones. 
 
 TO THE SECRETARY OF THE FEMALE EIGHTS ASSOCIATION. 
 
 " Albany, April 29, 1850. 
 " Madam, — " It is with heartfelt regret, that I find 
 myself obliged to forego the honor and pleasure of attend- 
 ing the next caucus of the F. R. A., in consequence of 
 important political business that requires my personal atten- 
 tion in this district. The election comes off next week. 
 My friends are sanguine of my success, though it will, 
 doubtless, be a close contest. Nothing but a profound 
 sense of duty to the country would induce me to deprive 
 myself of the inestimable privilege of listening to the 
 discussion of those wrongs under which woman labors. 
 But, if she cannot vote, she can at least direct the votes 
 of others, and I trust that every member of the associa- 
 tion will exert her influence in favor of that candidate 
 >vho may appear to her most deserving. 
 "I am, etc. 
 
 " Andrew Jackson Jones." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 123 
 
 On motion of Mrs. Allbone, it was 
 
 " Resolved, That in consideration of his self-sacrificing 
 patriotism, the Hon. A. J. Jones deserves well of the 
 country." 
 
 The secretary then read the following, — 
 
 " Athens, N.Y., May 1, 1850. 
 " Dear Madam, — " Since I was last with you, a year 
 ago, Divine Providence has at last blessed my long union 
 with Mr. Doolittle, and I have become the happy mother 
 of twins. I cannot conscientiously take upon myself the 
 serious responsibility of neglecting maternal duties by 
 attending the future meetings of the Association. My 
 doing so was always contrary to the wish of my respected 
 husband. 
 
 " Yours in progress, 
 
 " Victoria Doolittle." 
 
 Mr. Peewit jumped up and offered a resolution declar- 
 ing that Mrs. Doolittle " deserves well of the country," 
 but the chairman sternly called the gentleman to order, 
 and he subsided. 
 
 Miss Griffin proposed to amend the resolution by ad- 
 ding to it the name of Mr. Doolittle. 
 
 This was loudly seconded by all the gentlemen present ; 
 and in spite of the opposition of Miss Crane and Mrs. 
 Allbone, as well as of the chairman, who seemed to 
 think the proceeding in some respects irregular, the reso- 
 lution, as amended, was carried. 
 
 The reading of the letters having been finished the con- 
 vention proceeded to business. 
 
 Upon motion of Miss Blackball, it was 
 
124 TIIE miLOSOPIlERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 " Resolved, That tbc statement in the preamble to the 
 Declaration of Independence, ' that all men are created 
 free and equal,' in omitting to mention woman, is a dis- 
 grace to the American Eagle, and an insult to the Genius 
 of the Nineteenth Century." 
 
 Mrs. Allbonc offered the following, which was adopted. 
 
 " iVliereas, According to that atrocious instrument, 
 the Constitution of the United States, woman is denied 
 her just coequal right with man in framing those laws 
 that are applicable to both sexes alike ; therefore, 
 
 " Resolved, That a petition be presented to the Presi- 
 dent to so amend the Constitution that the franchise be 
 secured, upon equal terms, to both sexes." 
 
 Mr. Peewit expressed some doubts as to the power of 
 the president in the premises, but the chairman promptly 
 put him down. 
 
 In supporting the resolution Miss Griffin said that " the 
 ballot to woman means self-protection. To the daughter, 
 it means diversified employment and speedy marriage ; to 
 the wife, the control of her own person ; to the mother, 
 an equal right with man to children. 
 
 " The present state of society is radically false. There 
 is not enough sympathy between man and woman. This 
 is partly owing to our defective educational system. The 
 sexes should be brought up together. They would thus 
 enter sooner into each other's feelings. 
 
 "It is time for us to cease being nothing more than 
 house-keepers and nurses. Woman should insist on an 
 equal partition in all the duties of man, while he partici- 
 pates in hers. 
 
 " Why are our textile fabrics so tasteless? Because 
 there are no desi^nins; women. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 125 
 
 "Why are our shops attended only by the male sex? 
 Because the men don't want their wives to sell them- 
 selves. 
 
 "Why is our country so backward? Because woman 
 does not put herself sufficiently forward. 
 
 "Why does our decennial census show such a meagre 
 advance ? Because woman is not free to act as she would. 
 
 " Why should the forum, the pulpit, the bar, the bench, 
 be monopolized by man, to the exclusion of woman ? It 
 is said she cannot bear the close labor ; but what woman 
 ever objected to being confined ? 
 
 " Shall we continue to endure such injustice? I hear 
 on all sides the indignant « No.' Man has too long had 
 his own way. It is time for woman to arise and strike 
 for her proper position. Where would man be without 
 her? (Cries of, ' Hear ! Hear ! ') He would be nowhere. 
 She is his greatest want. Without her he is an incom- 
 plete being, — a mere chrysalis. Why, then, in this so- 
 called free country, is she denied the right of suffrage? 
 What is her fault ? She is found guilty, not of a crime, 
 but of a sex. She does not want reason, intelligence, or 
 virtue, but she wants — whiskers." 
 
 The eloquent speaker sat down, amidst cheers and some 
 laughter from the galleries. 
 
 The chairman directed the sergeant-at-arms, Mrs. All- 
 bone, to turn the laughers out of the room, if their con- 
 duct was repeated. 
 
 The chairman now introduced the Rev. Scipio Africanus 
 of South Carolina, who had just arrived by the under- 
 ground railwa3 r . He spoke as follows, — 
 
 Mrs. Chairman, beloved brothers and sisters, — 
 
 "Firstly. Why is the black man no' 'lowed to vote? 
 11* 
 
126 the rniLOsopnEns of foufouville. 
 
 That's the question, as Ilamblet says. If this is a white 
 man's country, why did they tote us culled persons into 
 it? Ha ! I pause for a reply. It was no fair. They say 
 we got no soul ; no go to Heaven whar the angels all 
 clothe in white. How then they raise all the cotton thai 
 for dress all the angels in white, if no culled man thar? 
 Ha! 
 
 " Secondly. They call America a free country. Then, 
 I ask, whar is America? whar is that land of freedom? 
 The Honorable Andrew Jackson Jones, I heerd him say 
 it was bounded on the norf by the Norf Pole, and on the 
 souf by the Souf Pole, and thar was a liberty pole stuck 
 up in the middle, on which was perched the American 
 Eagle with the cap of liberty on his head, the thunder 
 and lightning in his claws, and the rejoicin' nations was a 
 playing on the banjo and dancin' the Virginny reel around 
 it. But whar is that land of freedom, wdiar nobody work 
 no more? I can't find it. It isn't whar we 'uns live. It 
 don't seem to be where 3 r ou 'uns live. 
 
 " Thirdly. What does the blessed Saint Paul sa}-? 
 ' Pay unto Crcsar all that is Csesar's.' But they don't do 
 it. They make Csesar, and Pompey, and Cuffee, and all 
 on 'em work free, gratis, for nuffin. But the da}' of Jubi- 
 lee is comin', when the culled gentleman work no more. 
 When he hang up the shovel and the bow forever. Gloty, 
 Hallelujah ! 
 
 " Fourthly. The good Book says, ' By the sweat of 
 3*our brow shall you get your livin' ; ' but the black man 
 down souf, he get no sort of livin at all by the sweat of 
 his brow. It sa} T , ' Do unto others as j-ou would have 
 others do unto you.' If the white folks down thai- do that, 
 they must have very peculiar tastes ; for they give the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 127 
 
 poor laborer nuffin' but a little pone and bacon, and old 
 clo' for the sweat of bis brow. But tbe day of Jubilee 
 will come. Then the Lord, sittin' on the Judgment Seat, 
 will say to the massa, 'You jes pay Scipio six bits a day 
 for his time, or St. Peter no let you in.' Then massa 
 mighty skeered, will whisper, ' O Lord, my money all 
 spent in New Oiieens. Then the Lord will open his mouf 
 and say, ' You go to cle Debbil.' Ya ! Ya ! Glory, Hal- 
 lelujah ! " 
 
 Brother Scipio Africanus continued on to sixteenthly, 
 by which time he had worked himself into a furious state 
 of excitement, when the chairman informed him that his 
 hour was up. 
 
 His proposition to pass around his hat was disallowed. 
 
 AFTERNOON SESSION. 
 
 The proceedings were opened with a mystical, transcen- 
 dental farrago of long words, called a poem on the Mil- 
 lenium, by Miss Lillie Emerson. The idea involved in it 
 (if there was any) might perhaps have been found out 
 with the aid of a dictionary. The following four lines 
 were the only ones comprehensible to ordinary under- 
 standing, — 
 
 " There is a joyful time at hand 
 When love alone shall rule the land, 
 When all men shall embrace as brothers, 
 Women true sisters be, and mothers." 
 
 The secretary then stated to the audience that she had 
 received a document which exhibited a state of affairs 
 
128 TJIE rniLOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVJLLE. 
 
 truly pitiable, and calculated to awaken the sympathies 
 of every true woman. She then read the following, — 
 
 " PETITION OF TIIE INDIGNANT YOUNG LADIES SOCIETY OF 
 MANSFIELD, MASS., TO TUE F. B. A. 
 
 " This township contains a population of two thousand 
 males and three thousand females, yet notwithstanding 
 this alarming deficiency of the stronger sex, our young 
 men are constantly emigrating to the distant "West, there 
 to lead lives of toil and celibacy, doing nothing for their 
 country. 
 
 " Although personally quite indifferent to the matter, 
 we hereby protest, in the name of humanity, against this 
 wholesale deportation of mankind, and declare that if it 
 continue we will emigrate in a body to Utah, where we 
 will stand some chance of being appreciated. 
 
 " It is a matter of vital interest to the future prospects 
 of our town, the injury being not merely temporary, but 
 one that will entail loss on generations yet to come. 
 
 " Man is becoming too materialistic. He thinks if he 
 cultivates his fields he is relieved from the obligation of 
 cultivating the affections of a wife and family. 
 
 " Your petitioners therefore pray that some means may 
 be devised whereby this continued exodus of able-bodied 
 young men may be checked, being convinced that such 
 action Avill add greatly to the happiness and contentment 
 of your petitioners, as well as of thousands of their suf- 
 fering sisters, for they feel themselves fully capable, and 
 are in fact anxious, to fulfil all the duties required of 
 them by societj'-, but are unable to do so by themselves 
 alone. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 129 
 
 " And your petitioners will ever pray, etc. 
 
 "Miss Ariadne Lorne, 
 " Betsey Jane Willing, 
 " Kate Krauss, 
 '* Aurora Roe, 
 " Mart Lillywhite, 
 '* Desire Mann, 
 " Seraphina Bell, 
 " Polly Darling, 
 " Margaret McCoy, 
 " Olivia Blossom, 
 " Priscilla Prim, 
 " Susan A. Roseinblum. 
 The petition was ordered to be put on file. 
 Dr. Mary Mott then addressed the convention. She 
 said it was a melancholy fact that there was an alarming 
 decrease in the number of marriages. Yet this was not 
 the fault of woman. She was ever ready to do her part ; 
 she had never shrunk from the performance of the duties 
 imposed upon her by her being. She had been accused 
 of extravagance, but she (Dr. Mott) indignantly denied 
 the aspersion on behalf of her outraged sex. Does 
 woman spend millions annually for vile cigars, for cham- 
 pagne, for whiskey? Does she waste her time loitering 
 in clubs and bar-rooms ? Does she spend her pin money 
 in those abominable — 
 
 Here a gentleman in the audience called the speaker to 
 order and desired to know what was before the house. 
 
 The chairman stated that the question was what action 
 should be taken on the petition just read. 
 
 This brought a Dr. Bernhard to his feet. He was a stout, 
 burly-looking individual, and spoke with much vehemence 
 
130 the pniLosornEiis of foufouville. 
 
 of manner. lie said that the petition of the hapless 
 young women of Mansfield moved him greatly. He felt 
 his indignation rising within him. It was man's duty to 
 double himself four times. 
 
 Me. Peewit. — "Like the india-rubber man?" 
 ChaxbhaVi — " The gentleman will not interrupt." 
 The doctor, without heeding the interrogation, said, 
 that the deplorable case to which the attention of this 
 convention had just been called showed that the means 
 were at hand, but owing to our unnatural social laws 
 could not be brought into action. What would we think 
 of a general who needed all his forces in front, and yet 
 held a large portion of them in reserve, doing nothing? 
 When an army longing to be engaged in active operations 
 is set to work digging ditches and entrenchments, the men 
 lose strength and die, and the loss is greater than in a 
 battle. Woman and her affections are like that host. If 
 she cannot bring on an engagement the best of them 
 wither away. She buries them under the dust of years, 
 and, entrenched in her pride, repels the advances of man. 
 We condole for the loss of property caused by a fire, or a 
 shipwreck; but this" waste of feeling unemployed" is 
 made light of ; yet it is the cause of more heartfelt sor- 
 row than any sacrifice of material wealth. As a remedy 
 for the deprivations under which woman suffers he would 
 propose " an amendment to the constitution to the effect 
 that every man be allowed to have six wives." 
 
 This atrocious proposition created a tremendous 
 commotion in the assembly, particularly among the 
 women, thirty or forty of whom instantly jumped up, 
 some of them standing on the benches, and all began talk- 
 ing at once. Cries of "infamous," "abominable," 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0VV1LLE. 131 
 
 " wretch," " Mormon," and " monster " were heard on all 
 sides. It was in vain that the chairman hammered on 
 the desk with her mallet ; it only seemed to increase the 
 uproar. In the midst of the din the shrill voice of Miss 
 Crane was heard screaming. " The hypocrite ! he would 
 make slaves of us all ; but my spirit is not yet broken ; 
 I never shall be sacrificed." 
 
 " Such infidel Turks," cried Mrs. Allbone, " deserve 
 to be — I won't say what. Sisters we must band together 
 to resist their further advances." • 
 
 " Man was ever thus," said Miss Griffin ; " always striv- 
 ing to keep woman in subjection ; but if we all stand by 
 each other, such beings as Dr. Bernhard will find it diffi- 
 cult to put us down. Our numbers will be too much for 
 him. lie doubtless considers himself a Lord of the Cre- 
 ation, and believes that woman was designed -to be his 
 serf, and would like to keep her ever in an inferior posi- 
 tion. He may have met with some chicken-hearted creat- 
 ures who would consent to be trodden upon ; but he shall 
 find that all women are not alike. Some can assert their 
 prerogatives, and will not be imposed upon without a 
 struggle." 
 
 Mr. Peewit now moved that the proposition before the 
 house be laid upon the table. 
 
 " On the table ! " yelled Miss Crane ; " let it be hurled 
 upon the floor and trodden under foot." 
 
 Dr. Bernhard now rose and begged leave to explain his 
 motion. He stated that much of the dissatisfaction with 
 which it had been received was doubtless caused by a 
 misapprehension of its meaning. He had not intended 
 to propose that any man should be allowed to have more 
 than one wife at a time. 
 
132 tjie rniLOsopiiEns of foufouville. 
 
 This explanation seemed to be perfectly satisfactory to 
 the gentlemen, and even many of the ladies appeared to 
 deem the proposition, as explained, not unreasonable, for 
 the noise and clamor perceptibly began to subside ; but 
 the lull in the storm -was only temporary, for Peewit being 
 heard to say that he thought " one wife sometimes too 
 many," the hubbub instantly recommenced, and with great- 
 er violence than before, — his remark exciting even a more 
 lively indignation than the motion of Mr. Benhard. 
 Some of the exasperated females, who were nearest to 
 him, appeared from their actions anxious to lay violent 
 hands on him ; but he slunk away in the confusion, in the 
 midst of general execrations accompanied by hisses and 
 hootings and cries of " Turn him out ! " " Turn him out ! " 
 
 Peewit having thus acted as a lamb of sacrifice, and 
 drawn upon himself the concentrated wrath of the audi- 
 ence, Dr. Bernhard escaped without further remark. 
 
 EVENING SESSION*. 
 
 It had been announced that Miss Griffin would, on this 
 occasion, deliver her long and anxiously expected lecture 
 on The Co-relation of the Sexes, but the lady stated that 
 her feelings had received so great a shock from the atro- 
 cious proposition that had been enunciated during the 
 afternoon by one of the opposite sex (here she looked 
 significantly at Peewit), that she felt quite unable to do 
 herself or the subject justice that evening. 
 
 The disappointment appeared to be general. 
 
 Mr. Peewit now rose for the purpose of explanation, 
 but was received with such a storm of hisses and re- 
 proaches that he could not make himself heard. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 133 
 
 The chairman finally ordered him to sit down. 
 
 Dr. Mary Mo tt then proposed the following resolution, — 
 
 Wliereas, A Convention is about to be called for the 
 purpose of framing a new State constitution ; therefore, 
 
 " Resolved, That we recommend to the people that they 
 elect their delegates to the said Convention irrespective 
 of sex or complexion." 
 
 Dr. Bernhard. — " If female candidates are voted for, 
 it will be useless to advise the people to pay no regard to 
 complexion. Those who have the fairest skins will cer- 
 tainly be elected." 
 
 Mrs. Allbone. — " Are men such ninnies ? " 
 
 Miss Griffin. — "Alas ! I fear they are." 
 
 The resolution was passed. 
 
 The subject of education came next in order, and 
 apropos of this, Prof. Nicholas Malpest read his learned and 
 appreciative review of the " Timeus " of Plato. As it con- 
 tains some novel ideas and may serve as a a rebuke to 
 the materialistic tendencies of the present age, we here- 
 with give the document entire, printing from the original 
 MS. 
 
 « PLATO. 
 
 " BY PROF. NICHOLAS MALPEST. 
 
 " The works of Plato, with notes by Dr. Solomon Bigwig. 
 Minerva Press, Oxford, 1850. 
 
 " CEuvres de Platon, chez Tete-de-chou. Bue de l'Hibou, 
 Paris, 1750. 
 
 " Platos Briefe iibersetzt. Leipsig, 1600. 
 Opera Platonis. Roma A. U., 748. 
 
 " Tiriaioq 7] Tiepl (pCxreatq. Athens, 99th Olymp. 
 
 Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. 
 12 
 
134 TI1E riULOSOPIlERS OF foufouville. 
 
 "A whim seems tobe taking possession of men's minds in 
 favor of the study of physical sciences as taught by the 
 moderns, instead of the lucubrations of the philosophers 
 of ancient limes ; and we regret to sa}-, that of late years, 
 this delusion appears to have been steadily gaining ground, 
 and even to have received the commendation of some of 
 the most distinguished names in literature, art, and sci- 
 ence. 
 
 " The writings of Plato have engaged the study and 
 excited the admiration of the scholars of Oxford and 
 Cambridge since the days of Alfred, and we now propose 
 to recall to the reader's attention, some of the most strik- 
 ing passages of his immortal works, — works that will lie 
 universally read and esteemed when those of the Newtons, 
 Ilerschels, and Faradays, are forgotten, — though we fear, 
 if the new-fangled ideas prevail, — not till then. 
 
 " The ' Timeus ' of Plato is acknowledged to be one of 
 the most profound emanations of ancient wisdom ; in fact, 
 such is the depth of its profundity that much of it is 
 utterly incomprehensible to modern understandings. 
 
 " It is known that a couple of Frenchmen b}^ the names 
 of Buffon and Cuvier have elaborated a complicated system 
 of Natural History, in which the mind of the student is 
 bewildered with kingdoms, genera, species and varieties 
 ad infinitum, with vertebrate, invertebrates, mollusks, etc. 
 ad nauseum. How much simpler and more satisfactory 
 to the classical scholar is the system of the learned Greek ! 
 It is expounded in the ' Timeus ' in the following lan- 
 guage,— 
 
 " There are four species of animals, namely, the celes- 
 tial race of gods, birds, fish, and beasts, that walk upon 
 the land.' [Timeus. Edition of Schwalbe. Page 505.] 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0VV1LLE. 135 
 
 " One Tyndall, a professor in the Royal Institution of 
 London, has (we have been informed) published a work 
 on heat in which the modern theory is developed, — a 
 theory based on an almost infinite number and variety 
 of experiments, and a close observation of the workings 
 of nature, but in which many questions are left unsolved. 
 
 "Now behold how, unaided by a single experiment, but 
 guided only by the light of transcendental wisdom, the 
 great Plato lucidly accounts for the phenomena that so 
 perplex our modern philosophers. 
 
 " ' In the first place, it is evident to everybody that air, 
 earth, fire, and water are bodies. What is more, every 
 kind of body has depth, and depth necessarily implies a 
 plane nature. Now every perfectly plane surface is com- 
 posed of triangles, and all the triangles are derived from 
 two other triangles, each of which has one right angle and 
 two acute angles ; one of these triangles has on each side 
 a part of the right angle divided by equal sides, the other 
 has the unequal parts of the right angle divided by un- 
 equal sides. Such is the origin that we give to fire and 
 other bodies, basing our opinion on reasons both probable 
 and certain.' [p. 523.] 
 
 " After this brilliant scintillation of genius, the sage of 
 JEgina vouchsafes us some information that we respect- 
 fully recommend to the attention of the learned. 
 
 " 'Let us now take the two triangles, of which the body 
 of fire, and the bodies of the other elements have been 
 formed, the isosceles and the scalene, of which the square 
 of the greatest side is three times that of the smallest. 
 The four species of bodies appeared to us to spring from 
 each other ; but this was an error. These four species 
 are formed of the triangles that we have mentioned, 
 
136 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 namely, three of them from the scalene triangle, and the 
 fourth from the isosceles triangle.' [p. 524.] 
 
 "Mark how different is his explanation of the reflection 
 of light from that given in text-books at present. 
 
 " ' As to the images that are formed on mirrors or pol- 
 ished surfaces, it is very easy to give the reason. In effect, 
 when the interior fire and the exterior fire unite together, 
 and, the latter renewing itself without cessation, applies 
 itself several times to the polished surface, the images 
 of which we spoke are formed necessarily, because the fire 
 which starts from the visage mixes itself up on the pol- 
 ished surface with the visual fire. Then the right of the 
 object appears the left, because the contact docs not take 
 place according to ordinary laws.' [p. 513.] 
 
 " There is nothing here about those angles of incidence 
 and angles of reflection that so puzzle the classical 
 scholar. Who, we may triumphantly ask, after reading 
 this fieiy passage would hesitate to choose between the 
 Optics of Plato and those of Brewster. 
 
 " Many volumes have been written on the origin of the 
 various ills that afflict mankind. Had the authors con- 
 sulted Plato, they might have saved themselves much 
 trouble, and we earnestly call upon the Academy of Med- 
 icine to give heed to the following words, — 
 
 " ' As to the origin of maladies, anybody can easily find 
 it. In effect, as there are four elements of which bodies 
 are composed, — namely, air, earth, fire, and water, — the 
 excess or the deficiency against nature of these substan- 
 ces, their transposition, the properties contrary to their 
 nature acquired by fire and the other elements, for there 
 are several, all similar accidents engender disorders and 
 sicknesses, since each one of the elements changing its 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 137 
 
 nature and position, that which was at first cold becomes 
 warm, that which was dry becomes moist, that which was 
 light becomes heavy, and all undergo all sorts of changes.' 
 [p. 261.] 
 
 " What depth of reasoning is displayed in this exposi- 
 tion ! How admirably the effect is deduced from the 
 cause ! We know of nothing that can be compared to it 
 out of the Chinese. How unlike it is the style of the 
 Harveys, the Coopers, and the Motts, who in these days 
 are looked upon as authorities ! 
 
 " Having accounted for the ills of the body, the sage 
 rises to a loftier theme, and informs us of the origin of 
 those of the soul. He says, — 
 
 " ' When bitter and salt phlegm, sour and bilious humors 
 spread themselves throughout the body without finding an 
 issue, and, pressed from the interior, mix themselves up 
 and disturb the revolutions of the soul by their vapors, 
 they engender all sorts of maladies in the soul.' [p. 
 567.] 
 
 "What a knowledge of hidden causes is displayed in 
 the following passage ! 
 
 " ' The gods foresaw that we would be inclined to great 
 intemperance in eating and drinking ; so, to prevent us 
 from making ourselves sick, and killing ourselves by over- 
 eating, they arranged that receptacle called the belly as a 
 sort of store-house of superfluous food, and gave the in- 
 testines an immense number of circumvolutions, from the 
 fear that if the victuals passed through them quickly we 
 would immediately begin eating again, and thus would 
 have no time for the muses and philosophy.' [p. 549.] 
 
 " How the divine Plato rises above the vulgar anatomical 
 reasons that would be given by a modern M.D. ! Instead 
 12* 
 
138 THE PniLOSOPHEIiS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 of descending to elude and bile, be soars into tbe regions 
 of the mases and philosophy (ancient) ; and bow sugges- 
 tive, too, is the whole passage ; for it is clear that if tbe 
 rectum and intestines formed a straight continuation of 
 tbe stomacb and oesophagus, so tbat food passed out of 
 tbe body about as fast as it was taken in, we would bare 
 no time for anything but eating. We would be lower in 
 tbe animal scale tban rabbits. Every man would bave to 
 be bis own Delmonico, and keep an unlimited supply of 
 food on band, and even tben would be in danger of starv- 
 ing to deatb, unless Nature provided some way of seizing 
 it flying (as it were) on its rapid course tbrougb tbe jeju- 
 num. Tbe buman race would sweep over tbe eartb like 
 devouring locusts. Tbe flocks and berds would be swal- 
 lowed up ; borse flesb would be at a premium ; tbe Chinese 
 would not be alone in their taste for cats and rats ; and 
 even tbe partiality of tbe Digger Indians for grasshop- 
 pers migbt come generally into fashion ; oysters would go 
 down by tbe bushel ; the poor would all starve to death ; 
 and, to cap the climax, we would have been deprived of 
 the inestimable privilege of studying Plato, for his bril- 
 liant lucubrations, having been written on parchment, would 
 undoubtedly have been devoured by somebody long before 
 our da}-, — a misfortune that would have prevented modern 
 men of learning from digesting them. 
 
 1,1 "What an abyss of mysticism is contained in his view 
 of creation ! 
 
 " ' It was in order to give birth to Time that God made 
 the Sun, the Moon, and the five other stars that we call 
 planets ; in order to determine and preserve the numbers 
 which measure it, and, after having made these bodies, 
 God placed tbe whole seven of them in the seven orbits, 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 139 
 
 that the nature of the other describes in its revolution ; 
 the Moon in the first orbit that surrounds the earth, the 
 Sun in the second, Venus and the star sacred to Mercury 
 in the orbits in which they revolve with a velocity equal 
 to that of the Sun, but in a contrary direction to the order 
 of signs.' [p. 503.] 
 
 " No mind less profound than that of Plato could have 
 conceived the idea of the creation of the Sun, Moon, and 
 five other planets before Time was ; and what classical 
 scholar will not consider his astronomical theory more in 
 accordance with the perceptions of our senses, than that 
 of Copernicus and his followers, who go so far as actually 
 to deny that the Sun revolves around the earth, notwith- 
 standing the daily evidence of our eyes to the contrary ? 
 
 " But it is in his description of the manner in which the 
 Creator formed the soul, that the incomprehensible genius 
 of Plato attained its highest flight. "We trust our readers 
 will pardon us for giving an English translation of it, as 
 it is possible there may be some among them not suffi- 
 ciently versed in Greek to appreciate the full vastidity of 
 the ideas in the original. 
 
 " ' Here is the way God formed the soul. "With the es- 
 sence indivisible, always identical to itself, and with the 
 essence divisible, variable of bodies, he composed a third 
 kind of intermediary essence, which partakes of the nature 
 of the same and of the other, and thus he established it 
 in the midst of that which is indivisible and that which is 
 divisible ; after having taken these three kinds of princi- 
 ples, he mixed them up in order to reduce them to a sin- 
 gle kind, by forcibly uniting the rebellious nature of the 
 same to that of the other ; and when he had mixed the 
 same and the other with the intermediary essence, and 
 
14.0 THE rniLOSOPHELS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 out of these three things had made one whole one, he 
 divided it into as many parts as were necessary ; so that 
 each one of these parts was composed of the same, of the 
 other, and of the Intermediary essence.' [p. 499.] 
 
 " Now it will hardly be credited, but it is nevertheless 
 true that a celebrated French author has had the temerity 
 to pronounce this quintessence of sublime, mctaplrysical 
 transcendentalism to be ' sheer nonsense ! ' (galimatias!) 
 and this opinion we regret to say, seems to be that of 
 most of the learned men of his country, who indeed do 
 not hesitate to speak in the most disrespectful manner, not 
 only of Plato himself, but of the ancient philosophers in 
 general, — nay, they even go so far as to laugh at them ! 
 Such hardihood might be expected from a people so 
 deeply infected with the teachings of modern science as 
 the French. 
 
 " The few extracts we have given from the ' Timeus,' 
 are, we trust, sufficient to show the nature of that sublime 
 work ; and when it is borne in mind that all the produc- 
 tions of Plato, and indeed of most of the philosophers 
 of old, are conceived in a similar lofty and mystical spirit, 
 we feel assured that enough will have been done to enable 
 the intelligent reader to draw a correct conclusion as to 
 the comparative advantages between the study of their 
 lucubrations, and the works of modern men of science. 
 The former disdained to stoop to experiment, but, relying 
 on their intuitive perception of truth, did not shrink from 
 the boldest speculations, with what success the extracts 
 we have given demonstrate. How different was their way 
 of theorizing, from the method by which philosophers in 
 those degenerate days seek to penetrate the arcana of 
 Nature ! The latter would reduce everything to weight 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0VV1LLE. 141 
 
 and measure, and refuse to accept the smallest fact until 
 it has been proved by actual experiment ; moreover, they 
 value a discovery just in proportion as it tends to amelio- 
 rate the condition of mankind, — a low consideration 
 quite beneath the dignity of ancient philosophy. 
 
 " The Turks believe that those who are afflicted with 
 mental hallucination are favored by the Almighty, and 
 gifted with a peculiar wisdom. This idea of those infi- 
 dels seems to receive some confirmation from the fact that 
 the only productions we ever met with that could be com- 
 pared to those of Plato, for the extreme profundity of 
 their sublimated mysticism, were the original articles in 
 the journal published by the inmates of the Asylum for 
 Alienes at New Bedlam. 
 
 " In conclusion we will observe that as the human body 
 after death is resolved into its original elements, and by 
 then entering into the composition of plants and being 
 eaten, may actually assist in building up and form a part 
 of some other and living body or bodies, may we not — 
 reasoning from analogy, and taking into consideration the 
 doctrine of the conservation of force — suppose that the 
 soul or mind may pass through a similar change ? A sci- 
 entific man in the nineteenth century would doubtless 
 decline to trouble himself about this question unless he 
 could catch a soul to experiment upon, but an ancient 
 philosopher would not have hesitated to pronounce his 
 decision, and we can easily picture to ourself the solemn, 
 long-bearded, barefooted sage, muttering his oracular 
 sentences with upturned eyes, while his open-mouthed 
 auditors are dumfounded by such a display of ineffable 
 wisdom ; we can even fancy that we hear the lucid and 
 convincing argument. 
 
142 the rniLOSOPnEits of foufouville. 
 
 " ' The soul being composed of isosceles triangles, it is 
 clear that the indivisible essence is permeated by the same, 
 and consequently the divisible essence is to the interme- 
 diary essence as \\ are to the square root of the first prin- 
 ciple, — consequently twice two are four. Kow, since the 
 world is an animal, and a soul without a corporation is 
 minus individuality, and fire is a neutral conglomeration 
 of scalene triangles, each containing eighteen obtuse angles, 
 it is obvious that by the intermixification of the primary 
 principles the resultibus is one ex nihility ; so that by the 
 natural ratiocination of secondary ideas, anybody can see 
 that the sequence to the manducation of mundungus must 
 be a jactitatious lumbago of the diaphragm. 
 
 " Having proved so much by reasons clear and incon- 
 trovertible, know now that an infinitesimal lrypothenuse 
 from the zenith to the umbilical region of the nadir would 
 cause a hiatus of heterogeneous gnomonics throughout 
 the universe ; hence it is evident that the honiologou scon- 
 catenation of sesquilateral xylobalsamums being equal to 
 one hundred and seventy-seven perpendicular parallclopi- 
 pedons, therefore my confabulation must excite oscitancy, 
 wherefore I will incontinently proceed to exsiccate." 
 
 Prof. Malpest's address was received with much applause 
 although one hiss was heard (supposed to have come 
 from Miss Griffin). 
 
 The secretary then stated that she had received a letter 
 of declination, which came too late to be given with the 
 others, but which she proposed to read now, as the writer 
 — a gentleman named Lovell, and evidently a mere man 
 of the world — most unwittingly exposed the shallow 
 sophistries by which the man of the present day endeav- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 143 
 
 ored to stifle the promptings of conscience, and to up- 
 hold that iniquitous system by which woman is kept in 
 degradation. 
 
 This puerile epistle would serve as a warning to the 
 Convention, and by showing the exact strength — or 
 rather, weakness — of the enemy's position, would give 
 encouragement to the female mind in future struggles 
 against the advances of the foe. 
 
 Miss Blackball then read the following letter, — 
 
 "Harmony Hall, May 2d, 1850. 
 
 " To the Secretary of the F. R. A. : — 
 
 "Madame, — I regret that a previous engagement, 
 which makes my presence here absolutely necessary, will 
 debar me from the pleasure of assisting at the Convention. 
 
 " I beg to decline the honor of being proposed as a mem- 
 ber of the Association, from the fear that my views are 
 not in sufficient accordance with those of the ladies com- 
 posing it. Although I will not deny woman's abstract 
 right to the franchise, I have doubts of the advisability of 
 her obtaining and exercising that right. [Some signs of 
 indignation among the ladies.] 
 
 "Although in politics a firm Republican [Cries of 'That's 
 enough ! ' ' Stop ! ' ' Stop ! ' ' The vile Radical ! " So am 
 I ! ' ' Go on ! ' ' Go on ! '] , and therefore holding that gov- 
 ernment derives its theoretically just powers only from the 
 consent of the governed, I nevertheless believe that 
 government to be the best which adds most to the happi- 
 ness of the people, no matter what its form may be. 
 History shows that these two principles, like oil and water, 
 are generally antagonistic. Education is the alkali that 
 makes them run smoothly together. In some countries 
 Republicanism has been tried and found wanting. The 
 
144 tiie rniLOSOPnEns of foufouville. 
 
 mass of the people were, perhaps, not sufficiently intelli- 
 gent or advanced. They were, politically speaking, boys, 
 and still required masters, or a master with a sceptre for a 
 rod. In our own glorious and enlightened land [Male voice 
 ' Good ! ' feminine ditto, ' Enlightened indeed ! '] the two 
 principles do not clash, and a system founded on the will 
 of the people is the most just theoretically, and at the 
 same time the best practically, and makes us the freest 
 and happiest people in the whole world. [Boy in gallery 
 ' Hurrah ! ' Several ladies, ' Founded on the will of the peo- 
 ple, indeed ! ' Old lady, ' Aren't women-folks people then? ' 
 Professor Malpest was heard to mutter something about 
 1 Sunday,' and brother Scipio Africanus was seen to 
 shake his head negatively, but whether in response to the 
 query of the old lady, or to the last paragraph in the let- 
 ter, } T our reporter could not determine.] 
 
 " Applying these two principles to the subject of the 
 political disabilities of woman, and granting that no just 
 reason can be urged against her right to vote, the question 
 ariseg, Would the happiness of man [' Man ! ' ' Man ! ' 
 ' Only man ! ' ' What does he care for woman ! ' ' The 
 selfish thing ! '] that is to say, mankind in general — both 
 sexes — be increased by the exercise of that right ? I think 
 not. [Strong marks of dissatisfaction. Miss Griffin 
 observed that the writer was a young and very inexperi- 
 enced person.] 
 
 " The most delightful charm in life is found in the 
 relationship between the sexes as it exists in civilized 
 countries, and this charm is actually heightened by the 
 differences between them. Sensible women do not admire 
 effeminate men ; men do not admire masculine women. 
 Each sex has its peculiar duties. This assertion does not 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 145 
 
 necessarily imply an intellectual superiority in either ; for 
 one person may have a talent for the law, another for 
 mercantile pursuits, another for the arts of design, each 
 be wanting in the special gifts of the others, and yet all 
 be of equal mental calibre. 
 
 "The strong arms of man can accomplish work for 
 which the delicately moulded limbs of woman are quite 
 unfitted. [Mrs. Allbone, ' He can't ! '] She has work to 
 do that cannot be done by him. [Several gentlemen, 
 'What is it?' 'What is it?' Mr. Peewit ventured to 
 suggest, "Wet-nurse;" the chairman frowned, and he 
 shrank into a corner, looking as frightened as a boy in a 
 church-yard, at night, at the sound of his own voice.] In 
 barbarous states of society there is some equality between 
 the amount of labor done by the men and the women. 
 But is the condition there of the latter desirable ? Does 
 the most strong-minded sister envy it ? The convention- 
 alities of civilization have given us different fields of toil. 
 If you were to break down the barriers that separate us, 
 so that men and women should be in all respects as much 
 on an equality as human efforts could make them, you 
 would break the charm that attracts them towards each 
 other [Mrs. Allbone, ' Charm, indeed ! No man ever 
 charmed me ! '] ; marriage would cease to be valued as a 
 sacred and enduring bond, and would be regarded as a 
 mere temporary convenience [' Or inconvenience ! ' said Mr. 
 Peewit, for which interruption he was sharply rebuked by 
 the chairman], to be assumed or cast off at will." 
 
 " Moreover, it is very doubtful if the exercise of the 
 
 franchise by the ladies would have a beneficial effect on 
 
 our political affairs [' Of course not in the opinion of such 
 
 persons,' said Miss Crane, tossing her head], for women 
 
 13 
 
14G the pniLosornERs of foufouville. 
 
 of culture and reGucmcnt, whose perceptions of right and 
 wrong are far superior to those of the average male voter, 
 would generally shrink from the squabbles of the polls, 
 while the brazen, ignorant denizens of the purlieus of our 
 cities would swarm out to make use of their privilege, 
 thus doubling the strength of that portion of our popula- 
 tion which is the least qualified to understanding^ exert 
 its power. 
 
 " Men, in their actions, are guided chiefly by their 
 interests ; women, by their feelings or prejudices ; and 
 surely in politics the former are a better guide than the 
 latter (except where the prejudice is in favor of honor) ; 
 for, in a republic, if every man knows his interest and 
 votes in accordance with it, the majority are benefited by 
 it. [Several voices, 'The majority of the men.'] I 
 assume that the interest of the wife is, or ought to be, the 
 same as that of the husband. [' The outrageous assump- 
 tion ! ' ' It is ! ' 'It isn't ! ' 'It never can be till women 
 make the laws ! '] 
 
 " In the southern section of our country the politicians 
 are said to be plotting secession, impelled by motives of 
 fancied personal interest. The women, from a prejudice 
 in favor of their peculiar institution, or from devotion to 
 their fathers, or husbands, or brothers, are in full accord- 
 ance with them. If war were to result, the women would 
 have more to lose than the men ; for while the latter 
 would risk their lives, the former would risk the loss of 
 those on whom they depend for support, and in whom are 
 centred those affections whose satisfaction alone makes 
 life desirable. Yet is it probable that they would endeav- 
 or to have a restraining influence over the men ? Would 
 
THE PIHLOSOPH.ERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 147 
 
 not their passions be more powerful than their inter- 
 ests ? * 
 
 " Your voting, mesdames, would not augment, but 
 would rather diminish, your influence over us ; and, believ- 
 ing that influence to be for the best, I wish to see it 
 increased. The more truly womanly you are, the greater 
 it will be. We are now with some truth called your 
 slaves, and willing slaves we are ; but make yourselves to 
 all intents and purposes one of us, and the chains are 
 broken. We might jog along together amicably, perhaps, 
 united, like partners in business, by reasons of interest 
 and mutual convenience, or even of friendship, but not by 
 the stronger ties of the heart. 
 
 " If you have wrongs, they can and will be rectified ; 
 and impartial justice is more likely to be done by intelli- 
 gent men, who have mothers, and wives, and sisters, and 
 daughters, than by the majority of those of the gentler 
 sex who would be most prone to do battle at the polls. 
 Believe me, you can obtain more as women than as voters. 
 
 " Men know that it is sometimes best not to make use 
 of an admitted power or privilege. Your right to vote I 
 will not dispute. I have a right to cut off my own nose, 
 if I will (having no wife) ; but I would be very foolish to 
 do so. 
 
 " Nothing human is perfect.- If the franchise could be 
 confined to the educated men and women of our country, 
 it would probably be better for us all. There would be 
 less corruption in office, and a higher tone in all our 
 affairs. • But this cannot be ; and since such is the case, 
 and we claim to be more prosperous and contented than 
 any other people, would it not be wise to leave well 
 
 * The ovont justified Mr. Lovcll's fear. — Note by the author. 
 
148 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 
 
 enough alone at least, until we have a stronger surety 
 than exists at present, that the change you desire would 
 increase the general welfare and happiness ? 
 
 " Yours respectfully and sincerely, 
 
 " L. Lovell." 
 
 A silence of several minutes' duration followed the 
 reading of this letter. Several of the ladies were heard 
 to say that their indignation was so great that they 
 could not find words in which to express it. Miss Griffin 
 was the first to recover her equanimity, or, at least, 
 the entire power of speech. 
 
 " Such," said she, " are the pitiable subterfuges with 
 which our tyrant has too long beguiled us. But the hour 
 of deliverance is at hand. Woman has only to be true 
 to herself to see man at her feet. Why should she be 
 constrained to mope by her lonely hearth, while he goes 
 about where he will ? Why should she be frowned upon 
 for that which is passed over lightly in him? If a single 
 life was for him the reality that it is to to her, I fancy 
 there would not be quite so many useless bachelors." - 
 
 At this point an excited individual in the gallery 
 (evidently an outsider) jumped up and exclaimed, — 
 
 " You say there is a different standard of morality for 
 men and for women ; that what is venial in him, is unpar- 
 donable in her. You have only yourselves to blame. 
 Men do not make our social codes. The days of snivel 
 ling Puritans are over. The laws of society are not 
 decided by ballot. It is you, not us, who prevent the 
 ' unfortunate ' from retrieving the errors of the past, 
 while he, who shared her fault or misfortune, goes compar- 
 atively unscathed. Would you pardon neither, but con- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 149 
 
 demn both equally, hoping thereby to reform the world ? 
 If such is your aim, you should call a convention in 
 heaven, and induce the Almighty to change human nature." 
 
 Here the chairman ordered the sergeant-at-arms to put 
 the interloper out. Mrs. Allbone obeyed the mandate, 
 amid cries from the boys in the gallery of " Out with him ! " 
 "-Hustle him off! " " Bulb/ for you ! " etc. 
 
 "Alas!" said Miss Griffin, "there is truth in the 
 words of the stranger. Woman is her own greatest 
 enemy. Custom is the Kali — the evil-genius of the sex. 
 In China, from time immemorial, her every step in life 
 has been one of torture, in obedience to its absurd and 
 cruel behests ; in India, it sacrificed her upon an altar of 
 fire ; in Europe, it keeps her in lifelong bondage to man ; 
 her mind, not permitted to. expand, cannot emerge from 
 the chrysalis state, but remains confined in the cocoon of 
 decorum. Let us hope that in America she will become 
 fully developed, and attain the age of reason." [Several 
 voices, " She has ! " " She has ! "] 
 
 Mr. Peewit. — " Then, when she gets out of the cocoon, 
 she will be a beautiful butterfly ? " 
 
 Dr. Bernhard. — " And be guilty of indecorum? " 
 
 Miss Griffin. — (With a look of contempt.) " Man 
 cannot understand woman." 
 
 The chairman now read an " Appeal to the Women of 
 the World, " in which she set forth in clear terms the ob- 
 jects sought to be attained by the Association, and dem- 
 onstrated the necessity of co-operation on the part of the 
 sex in all countries, in order to enable woman to head 
 off the futher encroachments of designing man on her nat- 
 ural rights. 
 
 The appeal was adopted with great enthusiasm and 
 13* 
 
150 TI1E rniLOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 ten thousand copies directed to be printed in each of 
 twenty different languages. 
 
 In order to obtain funds for this purpose, it was now 
 stated that a collection would be taken up. 
 
 As it was growing late, the audience began moving 
 towards the door, and in fifteen minutes the room was 
 almost vacated. 
 
 So ended the Convention. 
 
 As the comments of the press of the time may be of 
 some interest to the reader, Ave will give a few extracts 
 from the editorial columns of two of the leading city 
 papers, — 
 
 [From the Protean Herald of May 18th.] 
 
 " That heterogenous conglomeration of foufouites, pha- 
 lansterites, ideologists, transcendentalists, spiritualists, 
 free-thinkers, free-lovers, strong-minded women, and weak- 
 minded men, known as the F. R. A., have held their annual 
 confabulation. Society in general, and the male portion 
 thereof in particular, seemed to be the peculiar object of 
 feminine vituperation. One would suppose that the 
 sight of that abominable animal — man — had a similar 
 effect upon these ladies as a red banner upon a mad bull. 
 Notwithstanding this, various projects were devised for 
 providing all forlorn damsels with husbands. That un- 
 fortunate document, the constitution of the United States, 
 was, figuratively speaking, torn to pieces. What imbe- 
 ciles our forefathers must have been ! Why did they not 
 attend to their shops and their farms, and leave it to their 
 wives to settle the affairs of the state ? 
 
 " Letters were read from various individuals, known 
 and unknown to fame (mostly the latter), including a 
 patriotic effusion from the Old Public Functionary at the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 151 
 
 White House. The Chevalier Malpest opened our eyes as 
 to the merits of an ancient Foufouite named Plato ; the 
 Baron Von Bernhard proposed to start a harem, which 
 brought the whole house down on him in the most harum- 
 scarum manner ; and poor Peewit having rashly given utter- 
 ance to a sentiment derogatory to the amiable sex, was 
 obliged to fly for his life. If any one of these gentlemen 
 will pay us a visit at our hospitable mansion on Harlem 
 Heights, he shall be received with all the honors due to 
 his exalted merit, and we will show him how it is possible 
 in this sublunary sphere to jog through life quite com- 
 fortably with nothing but cash and common sense. 
 
 " A proposition to pass around the hat caused a gener- 
 al stampede for the door. Our reporter at first thought 
 the house was on fire ; but the apparition of half a dozen 
 grizzly, hirsute individuals, with their hats in their hands, 
 pursuing the flying crowd, showed him what was the 
 matter. We know not what was the contemplated object 
 of the contemplated contribution ; but the most worthy 
 charity we know of, and one of which we will gladly 
 head the subscription list with the munificient donation 
 of ten cents, would be for the purchase of a bran-new white 
 hat, overcoat, and box of blacking for our philanthrop- 
 ical contemporary, the Foufouite Mormon philosopher of 
 Spruce Street, so that his appearance might be in some 
 sort of keeping with the name of the street in which he 
 holds forth. 
 
 " Seriously speaking ; if this noble army of martyrs,* 
 male and female, really wish to be of use to their country, 
 let the men immediately set themselves to work cleaning 
 the streets of our city, and, when they have raised the 
 
152 tiie rniLosornEiis of foufouville. 
 
 wherewithal, let them present each one of the women with 
 a patent sewing-machine." 
 
 [From the Tribune of the People of May 10th.] 
 
 " The Convention of the F. It. A. has finished its lahors. 
 The objects sought to be attained by the lofty-minded 
 men and women who conduct this movement for reform, 
 deserve the serious consideration of every progressive 
 and patriotic American. If we would behold this glori- 
 ous union advance for the enlightenment of mankind in 
 the future as it has done in the past, we must give heed to 
 the warning voice of reason. If we would see our rum- 
 shops closed, the fetters stricken from the limbs of the 
 oppressed, our manufactures fostered, our rising genera- 
 tion of young men and women free, virtuous, and happy, 
 we must listen to reason. 
 
 " "We notice that the ' Satanic Press,' as might have been 
 expected from that shallow sheet, treats this profound 
 subject of reform with its customary superciliousness ; its 
 personal strictures we shall pass by without notice, that 
 being a matter between man and man, with which the gen- 
 eral public has nothing to do. 
 
 "If we wear a shocking bad hat, it covers a head 
 filled with good thoughts. 
 
 " If our coat is white, so is our conscience. 
 
 " As to understandings, we consider polished manners 
 of more consequence than polished boots. 
 
 " With regard to the infamous insinuation that we have 
 become a convert to Mormonism, we indignantly hurl 
 back the false aspersion in the teeth of our calumniator." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 153 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Some Adventures of Mr. Peewit. 
 
 On the day after the Convention broke up, Mrs. Strong- 
 itharm, considering it incumbent on her to return without 
 delay to her house-keeping duties at Harmony Hall, placed 
 fifty dollars in the hands of Mr. Peewit with instructions 
 to purchase for her a few needed articles of female ap- 
 parel, and rejoin her at the phalanstery in the evening. 
 This was the first day the gentleman had been left to him- 
 self since he became a Harmonian, and he determined to 
 take advantage of the opportunity to put in execution a 
 design that had for some time past engaged his thoughts. 
 Purchasing a cop} r of the " Protean Herald," he ran his 
 eye rapidly over the columns until he came to the follow- 
 ing advertisement, — 
 
 "Wonderful. — Madam Demain, seventh daughter of a 
 seventh daughter, born with a caul, the greatest living clairvoy- 
 ant. Heads the past, present and future, reveals your thoughts, 
 tells lucky numbers, gives advice on business and theft, de- 
 scribes whom you will marry, etc." 
 
 " Ladies, 50 ceuts, — Gentlemen $1. 
 
 " 1001 Mulberry St., 4th Floor." 
 
 Mr. Peewit cut out the advertisement, put it carefully 
 in his waistcoat-pocket and directed his steps to the local- 
 ity indicated. He found it to be a dirty, tumble-down, 
 four-story tenement house ; sheets, shirts, and stockings 
 
154 THE PUlLOSOPnERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 were hanging from the windows to dry, and dozens of tow- 
 headed children were playing around the gutter in front. 
 After looking up and down the street once or twice, as if 
 he feared to be seen, he at last ventured to go up the steps 
 and to give a gentle tap with the knocker. No response 
 being made, he tapped again, and, after waiting five min- 
 utes longer, gave a positive knock. A woman now poked 
 her head out of a basement window, and, speaking with a 
 decided Irish brogue, asked, — 
 
 " An who are ye afther seeking? " 
 
 " Does Madam Domain live here? " 
 
 " Sure its up the alley ye'll find her, in the rare buildin'." 
 
 So Peewit passed through the narrow open passage- 
 way alongside of the house, and saw at the back of the 
 yard a four-story dwelling, of a more dingy and weather- 
 beaten aspect than the one in front. This was the " rare 
 building," and the door being open, and unfurnished with 
 either bell or knocker, he walked in and ascended the rickety 
 stairway. Having reached the fourth floor he knocked 
 at the first door he came to. Some one was grinding a 
 hand-organ within, but the noise now ceased and a heavily 
 bearded man, with a wretched-looking monkey on his 
 shoulder and a small switch in his hand, opened the door 
 an inch or two, and asked, in a petulant tone, — 
 
 "Vatiskit?" 
 
 " Madam Demain," answered Peewit. 
 
 " Up shtairs," replied the man, slamming the door. 
 
 So Peewit mounted to the attic. He there saw a tall, 
 gaunt woman, about forty-eight j^ears of age, with keen gray 
 eyes, heavy, overhanging brows, uncombed, frizzled black 
 hair that stood out in every direction like the snakes from 
 the head of Medusa, and dressed in a dirty, black frock, 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 155 
 
 soiled stockings, and slippers clown at the heel. When 
 he arrived she was bending over a small stove frying sau- 
 sages. 
 
 " Madam Demain, the meedjum? " said Peewit. 
 
 The female immediately assumed a look of dignity, 
 and, striding across the garret with a theatrical air, opened 
 a low, narrow door and said, in a lofty tone, — 
 
 " Enter." 
 
 Peewit obeyed, though it was necessary for him to 
 stoop in order to do so. He would now gladly have found 
 himself once more in the open street, — for the place re- 
 minded him of descriptions of the mouth of Hell, and he 
 felt exceedingly ill at ease, — but the door had been closed 
 after him. It was too late to retreat. He found himself 
 in a contracted attic room, lighted only by a small dormer 
 window from which several panes had been broken, and 
 the apertures stopped with a hat and some old clothes. 
 At first he could hardly distinguish more than the dirty 
 panes of the window ; but, as his eyes became accustomed 
 to the obscurity, he perceived by a dim light a small, 
 square table in the centre of the room, with a couple of 
 chairs on opposite sides of it. Into one of these he let 
 himself drop, for a tremor came over him, and he felt as 
 if he had put himself, body and soul, in the power of the 
 evil one. 
 
 A hissing sound without added to his unpleasant sensa- 
 tions, for he could not distinguish whether it was made by 
 venomous serpents or sausages. He sat for some time 
 perfectly motionless, hardly daring to raise his eyes from 
 the table, for he fancied he was surrounded by grinning 
 skeletons, stuffed toads, lizards, dragons, antediluvian 
 reptiles, and other frightful objects, like the alchemist in 
 
156 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 Hogarth's picture. "When at last be ventured timidly to 
 look around, he was quite surprised to find that the walls 
 were perfectly bare, being covered with nothing but dirt 
 and cobwebs. In about ten minutes, the gaunt female 
 glided in by a side door, and, seating herself in a chair 
 opposite to him, held out her hand across the table. Pee- 
 wit, supposing this was a demonstration of amit}*, 
 grasped it with his and shook it. 
 
 " Dollar," said the woman. 
 
 The fee was paid, and the conjuror taking a dirty pack 
 of cards from her pocket, arranged them on the table in a 
 circle. 
 
 " Your hand," said she. 
 
 Peewit extended his hand, and the lady passed her fin- 
 gers rapidly over it, at the same time scrutinizing his 
 face. 
 
 She then raised her eyes to the ceiling, and for the 
 space of a full minute her attention appeared to be ab- 
 sorbed in gazing fixedly at a fiy-speck. 
 
 " You have known some happy days," she said at last, 
 fixing her keen gray eyes on Peewit, as if she would look 
 through him. " You have known some happy days, and 
 many that were not so. You have had trouble and been 
 in doubt. You are in doubt at this moment. There are 
 many perplexities in business. People lose much by 
 theft." 
 
 •She looked hard at Peewit, who appeared earnestly at- 
 tentive. 
 
 " But the great source of trouble," she continued, " is 
 the human heart." 
 
 The gentleman changed color. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 157 
 
 " Ha ! " cried the sibyl, " I see a lady, — a dark lady, — 
 whose destiny is mixed up with yours." 
 
 Peewit looked uneasy, and the •muscles of his face 
 twitched nervously. 
 
 " Venus and Mars are in conjunction," continued the 
 woman ; " but Mars is not favorable to you. Venus, how- 
 ever, can overcome the malignant influence of the other 
 when the Ecliptic cuts the Zenith at the Vernal Equinox. 
 Ha ! Here is a number. Beware, beware of 4-11-44." 
 
 " Forty-four ! " exclaimed Peewit ; " why, that is just 
 about her age." 
 
 "Beware of forty-four, I tell you; it is your unlucky 
 number. The dark lady is before me still. She is not 
 young. She wears spectacles." 
 
 ". Now?" said Peewit, with surprise. 
 
 " I am looking into futurity," answered the clairvoj''- 
 ant ; " at present her eyesight is good. Her hair is dark. 
 She is destined to have an effect upon your existence." 
 
 Peewit looked sad. 
 
 "Is there not," he asked, hesitatingly, "is there not 
 any one who cares for me ? " 
 
 The sorceress shuffled the cards about, and, taking a 
 piece of chalk from her pocket, drew a circle on the table 
 within that formed by the cards, and within the circle she 
 described a number of cabalistic characters. She gazed 
 upon these intently for a few moments, and then started 
 back, exclaiming, — 
 
 "Ha ! behold, I see another, — a younger lady, — very 
 different from the other." 
 
 Peewit's countenance at once brightened up. 
 
 "She is not a dark lady — no — not dark — she has 
 light hair — yes, light hair and blue eyes." 
 14 
 
158 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 " Blue ? " inquired Peewit. 
 
 " No, not exactly blue," answered the seventh daughter, 
 gazing alternately at the mystic figures on the table and 
 into the face of Peewit, " in fact, on looking more closely, 
 I should pronounce them hazel, — no — no — they are not 
 hazel, — yet are they not quite black, — no — not black — 
 ah ! now I have it — they must be — yes, I see more clearly, 
 
 — they are a sort of gray — yes — that's it, gray." 
 " "Wonderful ! " said Peewit. 
 
 " She is younger than the other," continued the medium, 
 " yes, much younger ; in fact, a mere girl." 
 
 Peewit looked disappointed, and he muttered audibly, 
 
 " It can't be her." 
 
 " Interrupt not the flow of the magnetic fluid. I am 
 looking into the past. She was younger once than she is 
 now. Yes — she was a child, — a happy child ; then she 
 became a girl, — now she is a woman, — yes, she is a full- 
 grown woman." 
 
 " True ! " exclaimed Peewit, striking the table with his 
 fist. " It is as true as the gospel — and is she," he con- 
 tinued with some embarrassment, "is she — thinking of 
 any one in particular ? " 
 
 The seeress again fumbled with the cards ; drew some 
 more necromantic figures, and said, — 
 
 " The planets are propitious ; Venus is in the ascend- 
 ant. Yes, — she is thinking of some one at this moment. 
 She thinks of him whenever she sees the dark lady. He 
 is an undersized gent, — just as large as you, — he looks like 
 you ; he has on a blue coat with brass buttons, and he 
 wears a white hat. His hair is light-colored and straight 
 
 — an undemonstrative nose — large ears — ha ! it is — it 
 is } r ourself ; she is thinking of 3 T ou at this moment." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 159 
 
 " Miraculous ! " exclaimed Peewit, " miraculous ! And 
 will I — that is to say — will she be happy ? " 
 
 " She will have some happy days, and some unhappy 
 days. Your fate will be mixed up with hers. More defi- 
 nite information I cannot give you until the Zodiac points 
 to the Pole star ; come again. Adieu." 
 
 The Pythoness, or whatever she was, now rose, and with 
 a majestic motion of the hand waved the awe-struck 
 Peewit out of the room. 
 
 M e had been so spellbound while in the presence of the 
 sorceress that he had not been conscious of the emotions 
 caused by her influence, — or his imagination, — and, on 
 descending the rickety staircase, was surprised to perceive 
 that he was in a profuse perspiration and trembling from 
 head to foot. It was with a feeling of relief that he found 
 himself once more in the light of day on the open street. 
 
 Whether it was owing to joy on account of danger past, 
 or the gratifying nature of the information he had received, 
 certain it is that he walked away with a light heart, and 
 proceeded with an elastic step towards the lower part of 
 the city, where he intended making his purchases. 
 
 As he was passing through Chatham Stree, he noticed a 
 crowd in a shop, and heard the words, " Going — going — 
 gone !" Curiosity induced him to enter. As he did so, the 
 auctioneer, who had a decidedly Jewish cast of counte- 
 nance, cried, "How much, gentlemen, for this magnificent 
 ten-jeweled, patent lever, Lepine gold watch, with this 
 heavy gold chain, how much am I offered — how much?" 
 and as he spoke he exhibited the articles. 
 
 " That looks like a fine timepiece," said a respectable- 
 looking middle-aged gentleman, who was standing by the 
 side of Peewit. " Will you allow me to examine it? " 
 
160 the philosophers of foufouville. 
 
 " Certainly, sir," said the auctioneer, Landing down the 
 watch. 
 
 " I do not like to make costly purchases," said the old 
 gentleman, opening the watch and carefully examining the 
 works, "without having made an inspection of the goods. 
 Three years ago I bought just such a looking watch as 
 that at this establishment for one hundred and twenty 
 dollars, and it proved to be a most excellent time-keeper. 
 I should like to find a similar one to present to my wife. 
 By Jove ! I believe this is its duplicate. It would be clteap 
 at a hundred dollars." 
 
 " How much," cried the auctioneer " for this magnificent 
 watch and chain? Who bids? Don't all speak at once." 
 
 Now we do not care to describe an operation, the details 
 of which — or at least of similar ones — are published 
 Aveckly in the newspapers, so we will merely state that 
 Peewit was inveighed into exchanging his silver " turnip " 
 (as Lovell called it), but which was a really serviceable 
 timepiece, for what he supposed to be a superior gold 
 watch and chain, worth at least one hundred and fifty 
 dollars. Moreover, he paid forty-eight dollars to boot, so 
 that he left the shop with only one dollar in money in his 
 pocket with which to pay his way to Foufouville. Of 
 course he would not be -able to make the purchases for 
 Mrs. Strongitharm, but he thought the great bargain he 
 had made was a much better investment. Still, as he 
 neared the ferry, he began to have some misgivings, for, 
 judging the future by the past, it was more than probable 
 that, right or wrong, that terrible female would not fail to 
 find fault with him. 
 
 Just as he reached the wharf, a well-dressed young man 
 suddenly stooped down beside him, and, tapping him on 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 161 
 
 the shoulder, told him he had dropped his port-monnaie. 
 As he spoke he held up a half-opened pocket-book, which 
 he had evidently just picked up, as it was covered with 
 fresh mud, and in which Peewit could see large rolls of 
 bills, among which he caught a glimpse of two or three of 
 the denomination of fifty or one hundred dollars. 
 
 " It is not mine," said Mr. Peewit. 
 
 " It must be yours," answered the stranger. " I saw it 
 fall out of your pocket ; just feel again." 
 
 Peewit felt in his pockets, and his eyes glistened as he 
 looked at the well-stuffed port-monnaie, but he repeated 
 the assertion that it was not his property, although he 
 spoke hesitatingly and as if with an effort. 
 
 "I am going to Havana in the Moro Castle at five 
 o'clock, and it's half-past four now," said the stranger ; 
 " the bills won't be of any use to me in Cuba — metallic 
 currency there you know. I am sorry I have not time to 
 go to a broker's and exchange them for gold. If I could 
 get a couple of hundred dollars for them I would let them 
 go." 
 
 Now Peewit in all his life had never done a positively 
 dishonest act, — it is true he had never been tempted, — 
 but the serpent had tendered him the apple at last, and 
 there was consequently what fine writers would call " a 
 terrible struggle " in his breast ;' but we think this is too 
 strong language to apply to the species of ratiocination 
 that was going on in his noddle* whereby he succeeded in 
 convincing himself that black is white, or at least nothing 
 more than a shade of gray. The pocket-book did not 
 belong to him ; but neither did it belong to its present 
 possessor. If the latter took it to Cuba with him, the 
 rightful owner would certainly never see it again, while 
 14* 
 
1G2 the pniLOSornERS of foufouville. 
 
 ifhe took it himself, he could return it to the unfortunate 
 individual who had lost it, whenever the said unfortunate 
 should advertise Lis loss, — which there was little doubt 
 of his doing, — and offer a reward proportionate to the 
 magnitude of the amount indicated by those thick rolls 
 of bills. Then there was a possibility — the thought of 
 which fairly made Peewit smile — that the luckless loser 
 might not make his mishap publicly known, or, ifhe did, it 
 might never be brought to the notice of the fortunate 
 Peewit (but this latter idea, was a sort of mental reser- 
 vation as it were, — a thought he tried hard not to think, 
 though he could not entirely suppress it. But who can 
 chide him ? Is man more responsible for his thoughts — 
 wrong though they be — than for physical defects? Let 
 him who is without guile cast the first stone). Then the 
 vision of Mrs. Strongitharm loomed up before him. He 
 had not felt entirely at ease at the idea of appearing before 
 her without the articles he had been ordered to purchase, 
 even though he did show a gold watch instead of a silver 
 one ; but he knew that money, like charity, covers a multi- 
 tude of sins, and if he could bring a hundred-pounder to 
 bear it would effectually silence her batteries. To be sure 
 to take the pocket-book might seem somewhat like taking 
 advantage of the young man's difficulty ; but such an 
 action — as he had often heard — was nothing more than 
 the way of the world (and, to tell the whole truth, Peewit, 
 the simple Harmonian, felt a peculiar sort of self-com- 
 placent gratification at the idea of outwitting a cosmopol- 
 itan). The money did not belong to the young man ; he 
 was evidently not aware of the large amount contained in 
 the pocket-book, and when he should discover it, its 
 retention would doubtless be a burden on his conscience ; 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 163 
 
 he seemed willing, nay, anxious to part with it, and would 
 it not be doing him a positive kindness to relieve him of 
 it? So Peewit thought and argued with himself, and 
 finally told the young man, in the most disinterested man- 
 ner in the world, that unfortunately he did not have two 
 hundred dollars about him just at that moment, but that 
 he had one dollar and a superb gold watch and chain 
 worth not less than one hundred and fifty dollars. 
 
 The young man appeared to hesitate ; but just then the 
 bell of a steamer was heard, and, saying it was too bad he 
 had not time to go to a broker, he concluded to let the 
 packet go for the dollar, the watch and the chain. 
 
 The articles changed hands simultaneously ; but the 
 moment the young man examined the watch, he seized 
 Peewit — who was making off — by the cuff, saying, — 
 
 "Stop, — this won't do." 
 
 At that moment a policeman appeared, crossing the 
 street, and the stranger let go of Peewit's sleeve, and, ex- 
 claiming, " D — n the luck ! " hastily left, doubtless from 
 the fear of being too late for the Moro Castle. 
 
 Peewit now' hastened towards the ferry-house with a 
 countenance radiant with joy ; in fact, his mouth was wide- 
 open with a broad grin. It seemed to him as if six inch- 
 es had been added to his height. He walked with a proud 
 step, cocking his hat over his right eye, for his happiness 
 was complete, and, in the elation of the moment, he 
 felt like hiring a special ferry-boat. to carry him over to 
 Jersey City. 
 
 Approaching the toll-house, he opened wide the pocket- 
 book, and from a roll, consisting principally of ten, fifty, 
 and one hundred dollar bills, took out a five, which was 
 the lowest denomination he could find. On handing it 
 
1G4 the rniLOsopriEiis of foufouville. 
 
 to the ferry-master, the latter asked him if he had no 
 change, and, on his rcptying in the negative, carefully ex- 
 amined the bill, then, giving Peewit a sharp, significant 
 glance, he winked to somebody in the rear. Instantly a 
 policeman seized the unfortunate Harmonian by the coat- 
 collar, while another grabbed the pocket-book which he 
 still held in his hand. 
 
 " Come along, j-ou bloody counterfeiter," said M. P. No. 
 1 ; " we've been a watching for yer this long time." 
 
 It was in vain that poor Peewit expostulated and ex- 
 plained and referred, for his respectability, to Dr. Good- 
 enough. 
 
 " Who's he ? " said one of the M. P.'s ; " the head of the 
 band, I suppose?" 
 
 " Yes," answered Peewit ; " we look up to him as our 
 chief." 
 
 " He wants to turn State's evidence," said the other po- 
 liceman, in a low tone ; " we'll make a good thing of it. 
 Where is the fellow's establishment ? " 
 
 " At Foufouville," replied the prisoner. 
 
 No. 1 made a note of this information on a slip of pa- 
 per, and then, followed by a hooting, jeering, mocking 
 crowd the two guardians of justice dragged the hapless 
 Peewit to the nearest station-house. 
 
 " We've nabbed one of 'em at last," they said to the 
 magistrate as they entered. " Here's one of the most 
 desperate and owdacious of the hull posse of them are 
 counterfeiters. Why, he tried to shove the queer right 
 under our very eyes." 
 
 "Counterfeiter!" said the justice; "why, he looks 
 more like a sneak thief. Where is the evidence ? " 
 
 "Here, sir," said policeman No. 2, handing up the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 165 
 
 pocket-book, " and here is the very identical bill he give 
 the ferry-master." 
 
 The justice, a stern, dignified-looking man, with an air 
 of imperturbable gravity, glanced severely at the trem- 
 bling culprit, and, putting on his spectacles, proceeded to 
 examine the bill. Soon the muscles of his face relaxed, 
 and a sort of grim smile passed over his countenance. 
 
 " I do not think this is a very dangerons counterfeit," 
 said he ; "in fact, I doubt if it is a counterfeit at all in the 
 eye of the law." 
 
 The two policeman looked exceedingly disappointed. 
 He then held up the bill of which this is a/ac simile, — 
 
 ^^•'-^•••^ 
 
 On domaud, will pay to Bearer 
 
 S^ Five Kisses, 
 
 *£•§ Paphos. 
 
 * 55 
 ■a c o, 
 
 | g Cupid, 
 
 S Cash'r. 
 
 April 1st. 
 
 Hymen, 
 
 Pres't. 
 
 " I guess it's only a joke," said the judge. 
 
 " No, indeed ; " answered the unfortunate Peewit, " it's 
 anything but a joke." 
 
 " In truth it's no joke at all," said policeman No. 2, 
 " for the villain offered to turn State's evidence, and I took 
 down from his own lips the name of the chief conspirator, 
 
1G6 tjie rniLOsornERS of foufouville. 
 
 one Goodenough, which I strongly suspicion is nothing 
 but an alias of that slippery scoundrel, One-eyed Juke. 
 Their operations are carried on secretly by night at Fou- 
 fouville." 
 
 " Here is truly some genuine bogus," said the judge, 
 opening a roll of bills from the pocket-book ; " the case 
 begins to assume a more promising aspect. Lock him up 
 for the present in cell No. 6, while we concert measures for 
 the arrest of the whole gang." 
 
 So the wretched Peewit, in spite of his entreaties and 
 protestations, was incarcerated in cell No. G. This mis- 
 erable den was five feet by four in size, and was furnished 
 with what had once been a three-legged stool, but of 
 which two legs had been broken off. 
 
 The prisoner propped the stool up in a corner, aud, 
 seating himself on it very carefully, lest it should slip 
 from under him, mused upon the mutability of human 
 affairs. 
 
 In about half an hour a seedy-looking individual ap- 
 peared at the grating and offered, for a consideration, to 
 convey any message he might wish to send to his friends. 
 Peewit, having no other paper "about him excepting his 
 collar, took it off and wrote on it a few harrowing lines 
 to Prof. Malpest descriptive of his forlorn situation. 
 The professor, he told the seedy one, would remunerate 
 lrini for his trouble. 
 
 In about an hour — which seemed an age to the captive 
 — the jailer unlocked the grating, and beckoned to him to 
 come out. For a moment hope rose before him, but, like 
 the ghost at the museum, the illusion was quickly dis- 
 pelled, for, the moment he emerged from the cell, he was 
 unceremoniously handcuffed, led into the yard, and, in si- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 167 
 
 lenco and darkness, — for night had fallen and no word 
 was spoken, — shoved into a sombre, rectangular vehicle 
 that stood before the door. As the prison van had no 
 opening whatever for the admission of light, it appeared 
 to the excited imagination of Peewit like a hearse, and 
 as it was driven rapidly over the stones, a sort of vague 
 apprehension seized upon him that he was being hurried 
 to execution. He quaked with fear ; but his alarm was 
 groundless, for he was merely deposited in the prisoners' 
 reception room, — commonly called the receiving vault, 
 — at the Tombs. This was an indescribably filthy hole, 
 and was doubtless kept in that condition with the humane 
 motive of causing the inmate a feeling of positive relief 
 when he was removed to a cell. The one in which our 
 unlucky Harmonian was finally shut up was furnished 
 with a stool, a bench, and a pitcher of water. Here 
 he passed o, sleepless night ; but this was not altogether 
 on account of the hardness of his bed, that is to 
 say, the bench. It was his mental rather than his phys- 
 ical troubles that kept him awake, and surely these 
 were enough to cause him disquietude. He had lost his 
 watch and his money, and rendered himself amenable to 
 justice. It is true he was not aware of exactly what 
 high crime and misdemeanor he had been guilty ; but this 
 incertitude aggravated his uneasiness, especially since it 
 was clear he had committed, or at least was suspected of 
 having committed, some heinous offence, and should he be 
 proven innocent, — which he hardly dared to hope, — it 
 would be like jumping from the frying-pan into the fire, 
 for he would escape the clutches of the law only to fall 
 into those of Mrs. Strongitharm. 
 In the morning a slice of brown bread, with a bowl con- 
 
1C8 THE PniLOSOPnEHS OF fovfouville. 
 
 tabling a liquid that looked like swill, was given to him 
 for breakfast ; but he could not eat. His heart was full, 
 and his stomach seemed to sympathize with it. Broiled 
 partridges would not have tempted his appetite. Hour 
 after hour passed wearily away, the captive sitting mood- 
 ily on his bench, brooding over his unhappy situation. 
 About mid-day an old gentleman, with a- benevolent 
 face and a white cravat, looked in at him through the 
 gratings with a pitying expression of countenance, and, 
 handing him a pamphlet, walked away. The heartsick 
 prisoner opened the pamphlet, hoping to find something 
 that Avould distract his thoughts from the sorrows of his 
 position. What was his disgust when he found that the 
 document was a sermon on the sin of theft ! It began 
 with the poetical assertion that 
 
 " It is a sin to steal a pin, — 
 Much moro to steal a greater thing," 
 
 and demonstrated that thieving Jeads on to crimes of 
 greater magnitude, which finally bring the wretch to the 
 scaffold. A fearful picture was drawn of the last night. 
 of the sinner on earth, and there was a coarse wood-cut 
 representing the condemned dangling from the gallows. 
 
 Peewit, who had become morbid from his solitary con- 
 finement, was worked up to desperation by this last 
 humiliation, and, hardly knowing what he was about, he 
 sprang to the grating and yelled with rage after his rev- 
 erend would-be benefactor. 
 
 " Where's the insinuatin' caluminator ? " he cried as loud 
 as he could bellow. " I don't want his libellous trash. 
 I'm an honest man. Come back, — come back, you vile, 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 169 
 
 unmitigated slanderer,* you lying serpent, you personal 
 reflector ! " 
 
 The good minister, supposing the prisoner had lost his 
 wits, almost brqke his neck in hurrying down the steep 
 iron stairway in order to make his escape before the 
 maniac should break loose and pounce upon him. 
 
 Peewit continued his outcries, but in the midst of them 
 two wardens rushed up, and, throwing open the iron door, 
 soused him from head to foot with a bucketful of cold 
 water. 
 
 " We'll teach yer to be obstreperous," said one of 
 them. 
 
 " You'd better be quiet," said the other, " for if yer 
 don't we'll jes' turn the whole Croton reservoir on yer, we 
 will." 
 
 Poor Peewit was completely cowed by the showe^bath, 
 and, throwing himself down on the bench, he covered his 
 face with his hands and groaned in spirit. 
 
 Professor Malpest made his appearance not long after- 
 wards, accompanied by an advocate of the firm of Sharpe 
 & Kean, Attorneys and Counsellors at Law. 
 
 " Why, Peewit, my boy," said he, " you seem to be in a 
 sorrjr plight. What's the matter ? " 
 
 The crestfallen and thoroughly humbled Peewit, who 
 looked like a drowned rat, moaned in anguish, for the 
 tone of persiflage in which the professor addressed him 
 seemed like a mockery of his misery. 
 
 He told his sorrowful tale, and concluded by express- 
 ing the conviction that he would be unable to survive an 
 imprisonment of more than a year, and begging to know 
 if some one would not intercede with the governor to 
 15 
 
170 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUV1LLE. 
 
 procure Lis pardon ; at which both the unsympathizing 
 professor and the lawyer burst out laughing. 
 
 " You are in a very tight place," said the professor, as- 
 suming a serious air. " I am glad I don't stand in your 
 shoes, for you will he lucky if you escape the knot. Noth- 
 ing can he more dangerous than to tamper with the hank 
 of True Love. "When the president of that institution 
 once catches a man he does not easily let go his grip. 
 He is an inexorable jailer, and the cashier has been so 
 often imposed upon by counterfeiters (after gold you 
 know), that he is always on the watch for victims. His 
 favorite mode of execution is by shooting the unfortu- 
 nates through the heart. They often suffer untold an- 
 guish." 
 
 This fearful picture of his possible fate so affected Pee- 
 wit, that, partly from alarm for the future, and partly from 
 present cold caused by his drenched clothing, he quivered 
 and quaked from head to foot. 
 
 The lawyer had more compassion than the professor, 
 for, taking him by the hand he led him out of the cell and 
 told him in a kindly tone to be of good cheer, for his case 
 was not yet quite desperate. 
 
 Eventually the unfortunate gentleman was taken before 
 a magistrate, and, it being clearly proved that he was the 
 victim of misplaced confidence, the charge against him 
 was dismissed, and he returned to Foufouville the same 
 da}-, a sadder and a wiser man. 
 
 We will spare the reader an account of his meeting 
 with Mrs. Strongitharm. 
 
 The doctor, as may be supposed, could not forego so 
 favorable an opportunit}' of giving his flock a discourse 
 on the advantages of remaining secluded in the true fold 
 
THE PHILOSOPHEBS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 171 
 
 at Harmony Hall, instead of exposing their innocence to 
 the manifold perils and dangers of the outside world. 
 
 The disasters that had happened to brother Joseph he 
 hoped would be a lesson to the whole community. 
 
 It may be proper to mention, that Peewit said nothing 
 about his interview with the female astrologer. 
 
172 the rniLOSornEns of foufoufille. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Tlie Doctor invests in the Fine Arts. 
 
 We remember once in our boyhood, seeing a juggling 
 clown at a circus toss three or four balls up in the air one 
 after the other, anil repeating the operation quickly with 
 each one in succession as it came down, keep them all 
 going at the same time for several minutes. All at once 
 he stopped his performance, and stood holding out one 
 hand and looking up into the air, as if one of the balls, 
 which had gone up, had failed to come down. We can 
 never forget our amazement when we first saw the trick, 
 nor the impression, which remained on our mind for an 
 indefinite period of time, that that ball was still pursuing 
 its upward flight towards the zenith, perhaps never again 
 to be seen by mortal eyes. 
 
 Now we cannot entirely free ourself from a sort of ill- 
 defined apprehension that in the management of this 
 narrative the reader may suspect us of imposing upon 
 him a kind of literary sleight-of-hand. In the beginning 
 we exhibited our balls — that is to say, our characters — 
 to the public ; in the third chapter we set them in motion 
 and got them all in a beautiful whirl ; we kept them 
 pretty well in sight for ten or twenty pages or more ; but 
 in the fifth chapter we showed decided symptoms of break- 
 ing down ; and, by the end of the sixth, one of them at 
 least, Charity, had been entirely lost sight of. 
 
 Lcander we left sittinsr on a stone in the middle of the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 173 
 
 melon-patch, and we believe that Charity vanished from 
 view going into her room several chapters back ; but it 
 was so long since that we really are not certain about it. 
 Now this apparent neglect of a young lady and gentle- 
 man whom many will doubtless regard as the hero and 
 heroine of our book, may perhaps be considered by some 
 as a defect, in a literary point of view, and were we writ- 
 ing a mere work of fiction, we should endeavor to keep the 
 most interesting characters — that is to say, those who 
 love each other the most — prominently before the reader ; 
 but inasmuch as we have not undertaken our task in 
 order to afford amusement to a few lackadaisical young 
 women, but for the purpose of laying before the world an 
 impartial statement of facts, we shall continue as we have 
 begun, and shall jot down those incidents that we judge 
 worthy of being recorded for the benefit of posterity, in 
 chronological order, and just as they actually occurred, 
 without making the slightest effort to diminish the truth, 
 or to enhance its interest and effect by postponing the 
 marrying and killing until the last page. 
 
 The records of what took place at the phalanstery dur- 
 ing the convention week, when more than one-half 
 the Harmonians were absent, are, we regret to say, quite 
 meagre '; but inasmuch as Mr. Lovell and Charity were 
 left almost alone in the house, we presume that time must 
 have hung heavily on their hands. "We also infer (and 
 there are corroborating circumstances to support our in- 
 ference) that it was about this time that the doctor, visit- 
 ing the city on business connected with his enterprise, 
 happened to pass by the auction rooms of Messrs. 
 Tuanhaff & Bangs, during a sale of some valuable orig- 
 inal old paintings imported by Moses Levy & Co., the 
 15* 
 
174 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 well-known German house. The doctor now recollected 
 that Charity had complained of the gloomy appearance 
 of the dark, bare walls in the large rooms at Harmony 
 Hall, and the thought occurred to him that some of the 
 fine pictures he saw put up for sale — such as " The Grill- 
 ing of St. Lawrence," " The Stoning of St. Stephen," " The 
 Martyrdom of the Eleven Thousand Virgins," and others — 
 would give a different aspect to the blank spaces. So he 
 entered the room and ranged himself among the bidders. 
 
 . . . . The doctor's purchases arrived at Harmony 
 Hall on the very day when the members of the society 
 who had attended the Convention had all returned from 
 the city. The old gentleman's glowing account of his 
 prizes excited the curiosity of all, and consequently the 
 whole community was present when the huge cases were 
 opened by John Long. The doctor stood by, catalogue 
 in hand. " Ha ! " he exclaimed, as the front of a case was 
 removed. "Look at that. There you behold something 
 that it is a pleasure to gaze upon. Listen to the de- 
 scription. 
 
 " ' 116. Cain Slaying Abel, — 64 by 87. Anacronismo 
 Florentini. 15th Century. A glorious masterpiece. 
 Abel has just been felled like an ox, and his blood and 
 brains are gushing out. Cain stands a-straddle of the 
 body, horror-struck. His eye is glaring wildly, the con- 
 sciousness of his awful crime having just burst upon him. 
 In his trembling hand he still grasps the club covered 
 with the clotted blood and hair of his victim. On his 
 brow is a great black mark. 
 
 " ' This touching picture is full of that delicacy of con- 
 ception and treatment so characteristic of this master.' " 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. lib 
 
 " Papa," said Charity, turning away her head, " this is 
 a horrible thing. I can't bear to look at it." 
 
 "You lack appreciation, my dear," answered the doc- 
 tor. " For the enjoyment of such works you must be 
 educated up to it. What can be finer than that execu- 
 tion?" 
 
 " The better the execution, the worse the picture would 
 appear to me," said Charity. " How can a picture be 
 attractive when the subject is repulsive? " 
 
 " Your very disgust," said the doctor, " is a proof of 
 the artist's skill. It was his object to excite powerful (\ ' 
 emotions in the breast of the spectator, and he has done 
 it. But you women have no judgement or appreciation. 
 Your sainted mother was just like you. Notice the fore- 
 shortening of that club, and notice how the face of Cain 
 is shown only in profile as if he were ashamed to look at 
 his fellow-man. And then the accessories. Consider the 
 depth of imagination displayed by them. In the distance 
 you see an arch of triumph, typical of the triumph of 
 virtue over vice, and it is copied from the arch of Con- 
 stantine, which proves the artist's historical knowledge, 
 for Constantine was the first Christian emperor. On the 
 right hand you have the ruins of a Doric temple and a 
 Turkish mosque, which are symbolical of the ruin of 
 false religions, and on the left hand is a flourishing tree, — 
 I cannot exactly make out of what kind, — which is in- 
 tended to signify that the true faith shall never wither." 
 
 " It is a wonderful work, a wonderful work," said Pro- 
 fessor Malpest standing off about twenty feet, and look- 
 ing through his glass with one eye, while he closed the 
 other with what appeared very much like a wink of de- 
 rision. 
 
176 THE PHJL08QPMMB8 OF FOVFOWILLB. 
 
 "What is that they are cooking?" inquired Mr. Pee- 
 wit. 
 
 " Sir," answered Mrs. Strongitharm, " if you cannot 
 speak without displaying your ignorance, you had better 
 remain silent." 
 
 " I once saw an engraving of the same subject, from a 
 design by a French artist," said Lovell, " in which the 
 body of Abel was partly concealed by the altar, the painter 
 having evidently concentrated his efforts on the expres- 
 sion given to the face of Cain. In my humble opinion 
 it was a better composition than this, for it did not create 
 any unpleasant feelings." 
 
 " That proves the inferiority of the Frenchman," an- 
 swered the doctor. " Here the strongest emotions 
 of the human breast are provoked, — horror, aversion, 
 dread." 
 
 " I thought love was the strongest," murmured Miss 
 Griffin ; but she spoke in so low a tone that her remark 
 was not overheard. 
 
 Long now opened another case. 
 
 " Here we have a gem," said the doctor. 
 
 "'214. Landscape with Cattle, — 48 by 5G. Sebastian 
 del Negrotinto — Spanish school. 
 
 " ' A lovely picture of Arcadian life.' 
 
 ""What say j^ou to that my friends? those trees, and 
 rocks, and mountains, and water are thrown together in 
 the most miscellaneous manner. Did you ever see any- 
 thing like it in this country ? " 
 
 " Never," answered Professor Malpest. " Never." 
 
 " Were the skies green, and the leaves of the trees 
 black in Sebastian's time ? " inquired Mr. Peewit. 
 
 " Ignorant man ! " replied the doctor, " don't you know 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. Ill 
 
 that this is the peculiar style of the Spanish school ? Artists 
 in those days did not content themselves with a servile 
 copy of nature, — they drew upon their imagination." 
 
 Professor Malpest hinted that doubtless the colors had 
 become darkened from the effects of time, the chemistry 
 of pigments not having been well understood in former 
 years. 
 
 " There is, perhaps, a slight change due to that cause," 
 answered the doctor ; " but the colors of the foreground 
 were made dark originally in order to give distance to 
 the background." 
 
 " But the background is dark, too," said Peewit. 
 
 " That," replied the doctor, " is for the purpose of pre- 
 serving the same tone throughout the picture. Would 
 you have your breeches black in front and blue behind ? 
 It is astonishing how little knowledge of art there is in 
 this country. Our Churches, Bierstadts, Kensetts, Giff- 
 ords, Durands, and Gineux don't paint like that." 
 
 " I acknowledge they do not, sir," said Mr. Lovell. 
 
 " A picture that truly resembled nature would please 
 me more than this one," said Charity. " Not that I 
 would have an artist copy every stick and stone and blade 
 of grass, but I would have the general effect as it is in 
 reality." 
 
 " That is because you are wanting in the ideal," replied 
 her father ; " but you can't help it. She was so before 
 you. I have occasionally glanced at the landscapes in 
 our modern exhibitions, but, pooh ! what are they ? Look 
 at those cows. Did you ever see such cows? I never 
 did. And then, the trees ! " 
 
 "What kind are they, sir? " asked Peewit. 
 
 " Of no particular kind, sir," answered the doctor. 
 
178 TIIE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVJLLE. 
 
 "A painter is not a botanist. With these great men, 
 trees were simply conventional vegetation." 
 
 " Here is a pooty pictur'," said John Long. " It 
 reminds me like of me owl moother in Llannwyddrygg, 
 over agin Ben Caernclwyd." 
 
 " It's a gem ! " cried the doctor, " a gem ! 
 
 " ' 71. —Interior 14 by 19, Paul Daub. Dutch School. 
 
 " ' An exquisitely finished scene of domestic life. An 
 old woman knitting ; every thread of the ball of 3 r arn is 
 distinct ; a cat is at her feet, — admire the hairs in the 
 tail; overhead, a parrot eating a peanut, — the latter 
 should be examined through a magnifying glass. Shelves, 
 cups, saucers, and pewter spoons fill up the rest of this 
 charming work of art.' 
 
 " There, my fine critics, there is reality for you ! What 
 can equal that for truth ? " 
 
 "A photograph," answered Lovell. 
 
 " Pshaw ! Mere mechanical work," replied the doctor. 
 " What sentiment, what feeling is there in a photograph? 
 Here you can figure to yourself the patient and laborious 
 artist, working early and late for months over the creation 
 of his genius. Why, there is a day's work on that peanut. 
 Think of the lime, think of the time necessary for such 
 minute finish." 
 
 '< I think it could have been better employed, sir," 
 answered Lovell. 
 
 "Perhaps, then, you prefer the 'grand' style," replied 
 the doctor. '< Well, here you have it. The very perfec- 
 tion of high art. 
 
 '" G8.— Prometheus. 114 by 156. Taddeo Macca- 
 roni. School of Naples. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 179 
 
 " ' A grand conception. All is dark, gloomy, and sub- 
 lime. The only specimen of this master in the country.' 
 
 " There is inspiration, there is force, there is power. 
 . Consider the chiaro-oscuro." 
 
 Mr. Peewit said he could see the oscuro, but could not 
 make out the chiaro. He supposed it was a night scene. 
 
 " No, sir. It is broad day," said the doctor. 
 
 "Then it must be a very cloudy day," answered Mr. 
 Peewit, "for I can't see anything but a colored man on 
 his back, and a bird pecking at him. Everything is 
 black." 
 
 " Mark the skilful management of the lights," said the 
 doctor. " How the muscles are brought out ! " 
 
 " And the innerds, too," answered Peewit ; " the bird is 
 a-devourin' of 'em. Ugh ! It makes me sick." 
 
 " That picture is a poem, an epic poem," said the 
 doctor. 
 
 " What kind of a poem is that? " inquired Mr. Peewit. 
 
 " If you want to know," replied Mr. Lovell, "you must 
 read Swift's directions for making one." 
 
 " Now," said the doctor, " we come to the greatest 
 bargain of all, a ' Virgin and Child,' by Eaphael. That 
 painting cost me sevent3'-five dollars, sir, seventy-five 
 dollars (including frame), and warranted original by 
 Tuanhaff himself. There is a copy in the Pitti palace at 
 Florence. What do you think of that ? " 
 
 " No one can say anything against Raphael," answered 
 Lovell. 
 
 " The design is certainly charming," said Miss Griffin. 
 
 " I can see nothing to admire in it," said Mrs. Strong- 
 itharm. 
 
180 tiie rniLosornERS of foufouville. 
 
 " The child," said Charity, " is beautiful." 
 
 "It's the lady who takes my eye," observed Peewit. 
 " She is perfectly angelic. You can see it was painted 
 from the life. No man could imagine such a face. It is 
 clearly an original portrait." 
 
 " Of an Italian contarini," remarked Professor Malpest. 
 " The composition (being similar to that of the picture in 
 the Pitti palace) is really most beautiful, and the flow of 
 the lines is perfect." 
 
 " I knew I had got a cheap thing when I bought it," 
 said the doctor ; " and here we have a companion piece, 
 ' The Immaculate Conception,' by Domcnichino. There 
 is a perfect facsimile of it (as to the design) in the 
 Louvre. It is uncertain which of the two is the original, 
 but I think there can be no doubt on the subject, for you 
 see the master's name there in one corner in large 
 letters." 
 
 " Domcnichino," said Professor Malpest, " is universal- 
 ly acknowledged to have been one of the greatest painters 
 that ever lived." 
 
 " I don't clearly comprehend the subject of this picture," 
 said Peewit. 
 
 " Of course not," replied the doctor. " It is entirely 
 beyond your depth ; but, behold what is coming ! 
 
 " ' 82. — Head, supposed to be a portrait of Cardinal 
 Bembo. Michael Angelo. 
 
 " ' This remarkable chef cVceuvre, unquestionably the 
 finest specimen of this great master in America, was dis- 
 covered while clearing out the rubbish from the garret 
 of a pawnbroker's shop, over the Cloaca Maxima, Rome. 
 It is so very much injured l)y the ravages of time, that it 
 is difficult to make out whether it is intended for a male 
 
THE PBILOSOPHEES OF FOUFOUVILLE. 181 
 
 or a female head ; but this only adds to its value in the 
 eyes of the connoisseur. Its authenticity is beyond dis- 
 pute, the well-known monogram, Vy^B ^ em » plainly 
 visible in the left-hand corner." 
 
 "Mark the fire of that eye," continued the doctor, 
 " (what a pity the other is so indistinct !) — and observe 
 the force of the lines about the mouth, what power is dis- 
 played in them ! The touch of the master is displayed in 
 every line. Our Elliots, and Inmans, and Bakers don't 
 exhibit such heads as that." 
 
 " They are quite incapable of it," said Professor Mal- 
 pest. 
 
 " I can see little or nothing that is attractive in a 
 faded, cracked, and dust-covered picture," said Charity ; 
 " for no matter how good it may have been when first 
 painted, its beauties have become marred, if not quite 
 obliterated. A real face is not considered as being im- 
 proved by cracks or wrinkles and loss of color ; and I 
 cannot understand why a painted one should be." 
 
 " That," answered her father, " is because you are too 
 realistic. The connoisseur, in his mind's eye, sees the 
 cracks filled up ; the color restored ; the work, in short, as 
 it came fresh from the easel of the master." 
 
 " It's a pity," said Mr. Peewit, " that we can't do that 
 with the real thing ; for then a man could always see his 
 wife as she looked when he was courting her ; and if he 
 had a particularly vivid imagination, he might even fancy 
 she was somebody else." 
 
 " Beauty, in the living subject, is only skin-deep," said 
 Professor Malpest, " and time effaces it ; but in art, the 
 ruins sometimes excite more admiration (or, at all events, 
 16 
 
182 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0UF1LLE. 
 
 more commendation) than would have been given to the 
 uninjured work." 
 
 " Art, then, in this respect is superior to Nature," said 
 Charity. 
 
 "Yes," said Lovell ; "if wc are to give credence to 
 men's imagination or vanity." 
 
 " I understand how the former can deceive," said Char- 
 ity ; " but I fail to perceive what vanity has to do with 
 it." 
 
 " A cracked and defaced picture, or a battered and 
 broken torso is found," answered Lovell, " and artists go 
 into raptures over it. They think, by professing un- 
 bounded admiration for a mere remnant, to astonish the 
 million by their profound knowledge of Art. I suppose 
 that head, sir, was valued at a high price ? " 
 
 " Thirty-three dollars, I paid for it," answered the doc- 
 tor, " thirtj'-three dollars ; and it was considered cheap at 
 that." 
 
 " I think it was very dear," said Peewit, " a daguerreo- 
 type of Beinbo would have been more satisfactory, for it 
 would have shown us how the fellow looked." 
 
 " There is a charming head of Cupid in the windows of 
 Kullers & Printz, that I would much rather have than this 
 hideous old Cy clops," said Miss Griffin. 
 
 " I could understand your preference," said Mrs. 
 Strongitharm, " if the parties were in the flesh ; but re- 
 member tbey are works of Art, not of Nature." 
 
 " That which is the most beautiful in Nature must ap- 
 pear the most beautiful in the representation of it," 
 answered Miss Griffin; "thus a portrait of yourself, 
 madam, would hardly be as attractive as that of a good- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOVVILLE. 183 
 
 looking woman ; in fact, the more it was like, the less it 
 would be admired." 
 
 A withering glance was the response of Mrs. btrong- 
 
 itharm. , . 
 
 » Here is a magnificent work," said the doctor, who 
 was too much absorbed in the contemplation of his prizes 
 to notice the passage-at-arms between the ladies. 
 
 « < 26. Marriage at Cana, - 160 by 210. -Unknown. 
 
 Flemish School. 
 
 « ' This superb painting formerly adorned the collection 
 of Brian Boru, King of Ulster, and was brought to this 
 country by his last-known descendant, Patrick O'Brien, 
 Esq., who, having compromised himself in the Fenian 
 movement of '98 (when he heroically endeavored to 
 recover his lost rights), was obliged to fly to this country, 
 and died some years since in Arkansas, where he was 
 sheriff of Pikeville. 
 
 » ' Many of our best artists have expressed their opin- 
 ions of this grand work. The figures are all the size of 
 life. Some attribute it to Leonardo da Vinci, others to 
 Teniers, and others again to Titian, for it possesses the 
 merits of all three.' " 
 
 « What an interesting scene ! " said Miss Griffin. 
 
 " Why, all hands are drunk !" said Peewit. 
 
 "You mean inebriated, I presume," said Mrs. Strong- 
 
 itharm. 
 
 " Some of the positions may seem equivocal," said the 
 doctor; "but the artist merely meant to indicate the 
 hilarity attendant on the joyous occasion." 
 
 " How superbly the bride is dressed ! " said Miss 
 Griffin ; " what a pity those leg-of-mutton sleeves have 
 gone o'ut of fashion ! and those laces, how rich they are ! 
 
184. THE rniLOSOPHEIiS OF FOUFOUVJLLE. 
 
 and how much those red high-heeled shoes add dignity to 
 woman ; they give her elevation." 
 
 "I pity a woman," said Mrs. Strongitharm, "whose 
 reputation depended on her heels, like a ballet-dancer's." 
 
 " Some people wouldn't have any," answered Miss 
 Griffin, " even if they were mounted on stilts." 
 
 "Loftiness of soul, my dear sisters," said the doctor, 
 "is of more consequence than elevation of body, and you 
 acquire it by the contemplation of such a work as this. 
 Look at the bride. I should pronounce her most excel- 
 lent in conception, though the groom is perhaps the hap- 
 piest figure in the group ; and in that female, standing on 
 the left, their is food for an hour's study." 
 
 "Yes," said Miss Griffin, "I was contemplating that 
 heavy yellow satin gown, and those rich point laces." 
 
 "They must have cost a heap," said Peewit. "But 
 what queer head-gear they have ! One of them has on 
 something that looks like a pair of horns, and another an 
 immense extinguisher." 
 
 "That," said Professor Malpest, "was the female cos- 
 tume in the fourteenth century." 
 
 " And the men wore women's collars, I see," said 
 Peewit ; " but where are their breeches? " 
 
 "Probably," answered Lovell, " the ladies are wearing 
 them, as some do to this day." 
 
 "No, no," said Peewit, " they have got them tucked 
 up above the thighs like clam-diggers." 
 
 " Let me call your attention to the architectural de- 
 tails," said the doctor. "See that spire pointing up- 
 wards, signifying that even on the wedding-day we should 
 direct our thoughts above. In the distance are arches on 
 arches, and colonnade after colonnade." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 185 
 
 " What a magnificent city Cana was ! " said Mr. Pee- 
 wit. " It must have been larger than Eome." 
 
 " And mark the transparency of shadow," continued 
 the doctor, " and the luminous arrangement of the 
 lights." 
 
 " Particularly in the window of the transept," said 
 Peewit. 
 
 "That tracery," said the doctor, "is a study for an 
 architect ; it is a remarkably pure specimen of the flam- 
 boyant Gothic style." 
 
 " "What talented fellows the Goths of Cana must have 
 been ! " said Peewit. " Why, there's the Pope ! " 
 
 "Imbecile ! " muttered Mrs. Strongitharm. 
 
 " That is doubtless intended for a Jewish Rabbi," said 
 the doctor, " although the costume does resemble that of 
 the Romish hierarchy ; but how rich is the color, how deep 
 the tone ! It seems painted as it were with fused gems." 
 
 " The ear-rings, of the bride are exquisite," said Charity. 
 
 " And the old clock in the corner," said the doctor ; 
 " how familiar it looks ! and take note of the brilliant 
 idea, — it marks one o'clock, symbolical of the fact that 
 the married pair are one." 
 
 " But one hand points to twelve," observed Peewit. 
 
 " That," said the doctor with some hesitation, " that 
 is typical of the future happy results of the union." 
 
 "What's this? What's this?" exclaimed several at 
 once. 
 
 " This," said the doctor, turning over a leaf, " is the 
 
 "'379. Fall into Limbo,— 72 by 84 — Pietro Pin- 
 toretto. Time of Dante. 
 
 " ' The damned are seen tumbling down, head first, 
 sideways and in every possible position, arms and legs 
 16* 
 
18G the rniLOSornEns of foufouville. 
 
 protruding on all sides. This is the picture so finely 
 characterized by Sir Joshua Reynolds as an " avalanche 
 of flesh." The devil is seen below stirring up his fires, 
 throwing on the brimstone, and getting ready his grid- 
 irons and ovens. The dove hovers overhead in a trian- 
 gular cage. Numbers of the lost are imploring for 
 mercy, but the Lamb glares at them ferociously, and St. 
 Peter averts his head, as if he was shaking it negatively 
 and saying, " You can't come in.' " 
 
 " "What a dreadful imagination that painter must have 
 had ! " said Miss Griffin. 
 
 "It is truly a fearful thing to contemplate," said the 
 doctor ; " and what a lesson it teaches us ! " 
 
 " Several lessons," said Lovell. 
 
 " I cannot bear to look at it," said Miss Griffin. 
 
 " See what a knowledge of anatomy is displayed," said 
 the doctor ; " it is Nature itself." 
 
 Miss Griffin did not answer. 
 
 " "We cannot be sure of that," said Lovell, " without 
 seeing the living models in the exact positions here repre- 
 sented, and that would not be easy to accomplish, for 
 some of the figures have got their limbs twisted together 
 (as if they were trying to tie themselves into hard knots) 
 in a way not possible to any but Japanese jugglers, and 
 others are trying through the air in postures seen only in 
 Hindoo devotees who swing themselves fifty feet above 
 ground, hooked through the back." 
 
 "How thankful we should be," said the doctor, " that 
 we are on the true road to glory ! Behold, in this picture, 
 how few are saved, and how many lost, notwithstanding 
 the efforts that have been made to rescue fallen man." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 187 
 
 " The devil must be the most powerful of all," said 
 Peewit. 
 
 " Here," said the doctor, " we have a very early work, 
 and consequently very valuable. 
 
 " ' 24. Circumcision. (Tempera, w. g. b. g. 34 by 60.) 
 Fra Domenic. About 1200. 
 
 "'A most pleasing performance. The heads (all in 
 profile) are excellent in design, the expression of the 
 child undergoing the operation being particularly happy. 
 Among the fine points we would call the amateur's atten- 
 tion to the knife, on which is seen a drop of blood. A 
 young woman watches the proceedings with breathless in- 
 terest.' 
 
 " And this will do for a companion piece to it. 
 
 " ' 18. Flagellation. (Fresco, 46 by 5*2).. Perugino Pa- 
 letto. 1287—1329. 
 
 " ' The peculiar style of the period (before Raphael had 
 debased the art) is here shown in all its perfection. The 
 flesh has that fine light-bluish tint seen only in Ameri- 
 can marble. The figures are slightly idealized (being 
 about thirteen heads in height), and the limbs are straight 
 and rigid as becomes the subject. The little finger of the 
 left hand of the principal figure is particularly well done. 
 The expression of Pontius Pilate is masterly, the emo- 
 tions of rage, hatred, and delight being shown in every 
 lineament. The culverin in the back ground, astride of 
 which is a 'Roman standard bearer, is extremely interest- 
 ing, as proving that fire-arms were known in the time of 
 Paletto.' " 
 
 " This is a painful picture," said Charity. 
 " It would be more so," answered Peewit, " if they did 
 not all seem to be taking it so coolly." 
 
188 THE PIULOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 "These subjects,*' said the doctor, "were chosen in 
 order to do honor to the Almighty, which shows the ele- 
 vation of sentiment possessed by the artists of that time. 
 To appreciate them fully you must look at them with the 
 eye of Faith." 
 
 " My taste," said Mr. Peewit, " is for mythological 
 subjects. I love to look at Venuses." 
 
 " That simply shows that your taste is depraved and 
 needs cultivation," said Mrs. Strongitharm. 
 
 " Here," said the doctor, " is a mere modern work that 
 I inadvertently allowed myself to be inveigled into bid- 
 ding for. It represents a pack of hounds, — in distem- 
 per, — after Sir Edwin Landseer." 
 
 "They don't look like mad dogs," observed Mr. Pee- 
 wit ; " and where's Sir Ed " 
 
 " Peewit ! Peewit ! " said Mrs. Strongitharm. 
 
 " I could swear," said John Long, " they was portraits 
 like of the dogs of Sir Owen ap Jones, whose kennel I 
 kept at Glennw}'grig ; it a'most seems as if I could hear 
 'em bark." 
 
 "IIow perfectly natural are the attitudes!" remarked 
 Charity. 
 
 " That shows the superiority of the old masters," re- 
 plied the doctor. " This thing is nothing but a copy 
 from Nature ; there is no art whatever visible in it." 
 
 " Sir," said Mr. Lovell, " I would rather possess a pup 
 of Landseer's, than a pre-Raphaelite virgin." . 
 
 " What kind of a virgin is that?" inquired Mr. Peewit. 
 
 " A very old one," answered Professor Malpest. 
 
 "A sort of old ma — " Mr. Peewit's words were cut 
 short by a frown from Mrs. Strongitharm. 
 
 " Here is a glorious work," cried the doctor. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 189 
 
 " < 13. Susannah and the Elders. 108 by 120. After 
 Rubens. 
 
 " ' This is a faithful copy by Von Beest, of the cele- 
 brated picture in the well-known gallery of Count Lackin- 
 witz, near Antwerp. Although a mere copy, the exquisite 
 delicacy and refinement of the original, is preserved 
 throughout. 
 
 " ' The proportions of Susannah are colossal. There 
 is nothing here of the pettiness of the modern French 
 school, but everything is on a grand scale, majestic, sub- 
 lime, like the mind of the master. The flesh is warm in 
 tone, and hangs down in thick folds. (Winkleman calls 
 it " flabby.") The drapery which lies at her feet is beau- 
 tifully done, and so is the piece of soap on the edge of 
 the bath-tub,' — a remarkable instance of the care be- 
 stowed by this great man on his accessories. 
 
 " ' The two sly elders show by the direction in which 
 they are pointing, and by the expression of their coun- 
 tenances, that their curiosity is being amply gratified. 
 The one who is sticking out his tongue deserves the high- 
 est admiration, but both figures are in the best style of 
 art, the action being especially worthy of commenda- 
 tion.' " 
 
 " That's my style," exclaimed Peewit. " That's what 
 I call a picture." 
 
 " Von Beest's genius," said Professor Malpest, " seems 
 to have spread itself there, to have borne him along as it 
 were, under full canvas, with all colors flying." 
 
 " And laid on with a free brush," said the doctor. 
 
 " Regardless of expense," put in Peewit. 
 
 " And yet," continued the doctor, " notwithstanding 
 
190 tjte rnizosoruERS of foufouville. 
 
 the force, the energy displayed, what touching sentiment, 
 what :i feeling of refinement pervades the whole ! " 
 
 " It is the only picture that has excited my emotions," 
 said Peewit; '• but what a whopper Susan is! How I 
 should like to have seen her ! " 
 
 The enthusiastic Peewit, becoming suddenly conscious 
 that he had said more than prudence dictated, cast a fur- 
 tive glance behind him ; but his fears were groundless, Mrs. 
 Strongitharm having left the room with the other ladies. 
 
 "It is a gorgeous work," said Professor Malpest, 
 standing off at a distance, and looking as much as possi- 
 ble lost in admiration. 
 
 " Whatever may be the merits of the execution," said 
 Lovell, " the design, in my opinion, is simply beastly." 
 
 " That," said the doctor, " is because your judgment 
 has not been educated up to the appreciation of High Art. 
 The true admirer of the old masters can see no fault in 
 them ; he looks through the subject, as it were, and sees 
 only the genius displayed in its portrayal." 
 
 " But an artist of refinement," answered Lovell, " would 
 cither not select a coarse subject, or, if he did, he would 
 so treat it as to conceal any want of delicacy in it. The 
 beautiful picture of Diana and her Nymphs, by Professor 
 Sohn, is an exemplification of my remark." 
 
 " Pooh ! " said the doctor. " The modern German 
 school." 
 
 " I consider Steinbruck's Adoration of the Magi the 
 finest composition on that subject I ever saw," said Lovell. 
 
 " And yet," answered the doctor, " you have beheld 
 the glorious conceptions of Signorelli and Squarcione ! " 
 
 " There is no reason," replied Lovell, " to suppose that 
 the human mind has degenerated during the last five cen- 
 
THE PHILOSOPIMES OF FOVFOUVILLE. 191 
 
 turies ; on the contrary, considering the advances that 
 have been made in civilization, it appears to me to have 
 improved ; but, even granting that it has remained in 
 statu quo — " 
 
 " Like the Apollo Belvidere," suggested Peewit. 
 
 " In statu quo" continued Lovell, without heeding the 
 interruption, " artists of the present day have many advan- 
 tages over their predecessors of the olden time. They 
 have the same beautiful nature around them and the 
 works of good masters to study from, with the writings 
 of able critics to guide them, besides some minor advan- 
 tages in regard to materials. Among the ' old masters/ 
 which, in the popular estimation, means every one who 
 handled a brush some hundreds of years ago, I presume 
 there was just about the same proportion of good to bad 
 painters as at present ; but as a class I do not believe 
 that they were superior in ability to the men of our day, 
 while, in regard to artificial acquirements, the latter have 
 the advantage. Macaulay says that as far as human in- 
 telligence is concerned, we are the true ancients, those 
 who lived in the early ages being the j'ouths." 
 
 " Then," said Peewit, " Methusaleh was a youth at nine 
 hundred and sixty-nine years of age." 
 
 "In knowledge, yes," replied Lovell. "Now the fine 
 works of the old masters — and the bad ones too — 
 have long been collected in the galleries of Europe, com- 
 mented on by critics, and the place of all of them noted. 
 It is a very rare occurrence for a new one to be discovered, 
 and, when this happens, the fact is at once heralded over 
 the continent, and, good or bad, it brings a very high 
 price ; yet hundreds of pictures bearing the names of 
 well-known early masters are annually imported into New 
 
192 the rniLOsopnEns of foufouville. 
 
 York. These may be divided into five classes, with the 
 
 per rentage of each as follows, — 
 
 " 1st. Bad copies of bad originals, 80, worthless. 
 "2d. Bad copies of good originals, 15, " 
 
 "3d. Good copies of bad originals, 3, " 
 
 "4th. Good copies of good originals, 2, of some value. 
 " 5th. Original works of old masters, 0. 
 
 100." 
 
 "Why do you speak of the fifth class as ' imported'?" 
 asked the professor. 
 
 " If I were tp answer you like an old Greek philoso- 
 pher," replied Lovell, " I should say that the fifth class 
 was ' nothing ' and ' nothing ' was imported ; but I have a 
 better reason. I believe that occasionally stray bona 
 fide originals (usually very inferior ones) do find their 
 way into our market ; but the percentage of these is such 
 a mere fraction that I felt justified in marking it in the 
 above classification. 
 
 " Besides the above, there are also imported for sale 
 great numbers of acknowledged modern paintings. 
 These may be classed and divided as follows, — 
 
 "1st. Bad pictures by students or artists, 70. 
 
 unsalable in Europe. 
 
 " 2d. Good pictures by students or inferior artists, 0. 
 
 " 3d. Inferior pictures by good artists (' Homer 
 
 sometimes nods '), 20. 
 
 " 4th. Good pictures by good artists, 8. 
 
 " 5th. Fine works by artists of reputation, 2. 
 
 100. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVJLLE. 193 
 
 " Copies, which sometimes resemble caricatures, of su- 
 perior modern works which have become popular through 
 the medium of engravings are weekly, if not daily, sold 
 in auction rooms almost by wholesale. These are not im- 
 ported, but are copied, in New York, from engrav- 
 ings, the artisan being paid for his work at the rate 
 of about one dollar a foot. I have seen parties pur- 
 chase these daubs under the impression that they were 
 buying the originals." 
 
 " Is not all this rather beneficial than otherwise?" said 
 the professor. " Does it not cultivate a taste for art? " 
 
 " It is about as beneficial," answered Lovell, " as it 
 would be to cultivate weeds in a garden." 
 
 " Admitting, for the sake of argument, that what you 
 say is true," said the doctor, " then but few persons in 
 this country have any opportunity of gratifying their 
 artistic tastes." 
 
 " Fine engravings can be had," answered Lovell, " and 
 I am sure that a good engraving of a good picture is 
 better than a bad copy or a bad original, and besides, 
 many excellent paintings by Americans are annually ex- 
 hibited. Our landscape painters, in my opinion, have no 
 superiors. If old Andrea del Sarto, or Giotto, or any of 
 those who came not long after them, had painted the 
 ' Heart of the Andes,' or the ' Storm in the Rocky Moun- 
 tains,' those truthful and most beautiful works would be 
 worth their weight in gold (frames and all) ; whole vol- 
 ums would be written about them, and dictionaries ran- 
 sacked to find terms strong enough to express their 
 merits." 
 
 " But the works of the early painters," said Professor 
 Malpest, " are interesting as showing the progress of art." 
 17 
 
194 tiie rniLosoriiERS of foufouville. 
 
 " Yes," answered Lovcll ; " and matchlock muskets are 
 interesting as showing the progress of fire-arms ; but a 
 sportsman would not value one as highly as a breech- 
 loader." 
 
 " That is not a parallel case," replied the professor ; 
 " for an antiquarian might prize what a sportsman would 
 not ; and, if there was as much gratification to the vanity 
 in possessing a collection of old Spanish or Flemish mus- 
 ketoons, we would soon see them encumbering our walls, 
 and imitations would be manufactured by wholesale." 
 
 " Now you have hit it," said Lovell ; "in order to 
 gratify a petty vanity, founded on ignorance, we are 
 unjust to our fellow-countrymen." 
 
 " I am glad ol it," said Mrs. Strongitharm, who entered 
 the room in time to hear the latter part of the sentence ; 
 " for it may make some of them feel for the wrongs of 
 their fellow-countrywomen." 
 
 " The city women have the hardest time," said Pee- 
 wit. 
 
 This started the conversation on a new tack, — to 
 speak nautically, — but our profound respect for the uni- 
 ties induces us to withhold it. Enough, however, has been 
 given to enable the reader to draw several important in- 
 ferences. In the first place, it is clear from Mr. LovelPs 
 conversing in an amicable manner with Professor Malpest, 
 that his blood-thirsty intentions in regard to that gen- 
 tleman had become considerably modified. This we 
 attribute to the influence of Charity, when they were left 
 together during the convention week. In the second 
 place, it is probable that the ignorance of art and want 
 of appreciation shown by Mr. Lovell must have created 
 an unfavorable impression against him in the mind of the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 195 
 
 doctor, especially when Ms presumptuous language was 
 contrasted with the suavity and deep feeling for antiquity 
 manifested by the professor. In the third place, we see 
 that Mrs. Strongitharm and Miss Griffin still continued 
 their bickerings, thereby demonstrating that the resent- 
 ment of woman is more abiding: than that of man. 
 
19C THE rniLOSOPHEIiS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Lively Times at Harmony Hall. 
 
 The next morning it was resolved to mow the grass on 
 the lawn in front of the house. This task fell to the lot 
 of Mr. Peewit, for, as Mrs. Strongitharm observed, he 
 and Mr. Lovell had undertaken to do the " light out-door 
 work," and Mr. L. was at that time busily engaged in 
 planting turnips, assisted by Miss Charity. So Peewit 
 reluctantl3 r took up the scythe. He began operations by 
 slightly cutting" his fingers in honing the implement, and 
 being thereby convinced that it was sharp enough to set 
 to work. After the first swoop of the scythe he stopped, 
 and, visibly agitated, examined his legs, for he had a sort 
 of nervous apprehension that he might cut them off. 
 Finding them safe he made a second swoop, but the grass 
 being rather short the blade passed above it, cutting 
 harmlessly through the circumambient air. At the third 
 stroke, he cut down the doctor's favorite peach sapling ; 
 at the fourth, the steel struck against a large stone, 
 making the sparks fly, rebounding, and causing poor 
 Peewit's arms to experience a sensation as though they had 
 received a strong electric shock, his elbows feeling as if 
 pricked by a thousand needles. He looked around pite- 
 ously, in a bewildered state of mind, but, seeing the sharp 
 ej^es of Mrs. Strongitharm fixed upon him, he went to 
 work again vigorously, or, to speak more correctly, des- 
 perately, slashing away right and left, sending the small 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 197 
 
 stones flying in all directions, making deep grooves in the 
 grass and in the ground, while tufts were left standing 
 here and there, like the hair of a child's head which has 
 been cut at home to save paying a shilling to a barber. 
 The perspiration was streaming from him, but he kept on, 
 heedless of consequences, though dreading every moment 
 to find himself standing on his stumps. Jack, the poodle, 
 excited by his awkward gyrations, leaped from the arms 
 of his mistress and began to bark at him furiously, caper- 
 ing about, evidently much diverted by the performance ; but 
 the mower, who neither saw nor heard anything, slashed 
 away with his terrible weapon, hacking through grass, 
 stones, sticks, and earth. All at once he was startled by 
 a piercing yelp. He had cut Jack's head off. He dropped 
 the scythe, and stood a moment transfixed with horror. 
 He then slowly ventured to turn his head, and furtively 
 looked over his shoulders at Mrs. Strongitharm. Pale 
 and speechless she gazed at the severed carcass of Jack ; 
 then scowled a moment at the dismayed executioner, and, 
 shrieking " Wretch ! " sank fainting on the grass. Peewit's 
 first impulse was to run away ; his second, to go to her 
 assistance ; his third, to get out of sight before she recov- 
 ered her consciousness. He acted on the latter idea, and 
 instantly took to his heels, never thinking of his coat 
 which was hanging on a tree, nor stopping in his terror- 
 stricken flight until Harmony Hall was lost to view by an 
 intervening hill. Like the wandering Jew, he might 
 never have stopped at all had it not been for the want of 
 breath. He was seen at noon sitting disconsolate on a 
 stone by the roadside, near the entrance to the village of 
 Foufouville, musing upon the vicissitudes of human life. 
 The day before he was a happy Harmonian ; now he 
 17* 
 
198 THE rniLOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 was little better than an outcast. He had ruined John 
 Long's best scythe against the stones ; he had cut down 
 the doctor's favorite peach-tree ; he had killed Mrs. 
 Strong itharm's pet dog. What was he to do ? Could he 
 ever venture to show himself again at Harmony Hall? 
 Could he stand up against the volleys of wrath and re- 
 sentment with which he would be received ? He shook his 
 head sadly in the negative, and muttered audibly, " Never, 
 never, never." He sat for hours wrapped in a seeming 
 lethargy. 
 
 He was aroused from his rever}', by the approach of a 
 tall, stern-looking man, dressed entirely in black with the 
 exception of a white cravat and a pair of green goggles, 
 and flourishing a heavy walking stick. 
 
 " Sir, it is a fine day," said the unknown. 
 
 " It is, sir," answered Peewit, eying him suspiciously, 
 for he had strong misgivings that his sinister-looking in- 
 terlocutor was bent on highway robbery. However, as 
 he had not more than six or seven shillings in his pocket, 
 and was, moreover, in a sort of reckless frame of mind, he 
 sat doggedly on his stone, and though the next words 
 might be, " Your money or your life," resolved to resign 
 himself passively to fate. 
 
 But there was in reality no cause for his alarm, the 
 stranger who excited such serious apprehensions in his 
 mind being the Rev. Hieronymus Knox, incumbent of 
 All Saints Church in Foufouville, an earnest and conscien- 
 tious worker in the good cause, whose stern and forbid- 
 ding exterior covered a breast filled with the milk of 
 human kindness. He had but recently returned from 
 fourteen years' service as a missionary to the Feejee 
 Islands, and was shocked to hear of the establishment in 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 199 
 
 the very midst of a Christian community of such a den of 
 abominations as Harmony Hall was popularly reported to 
 be. The erection of the phalanstery had at first merely 
 given rise to some curious and singularly erroneous sur- 
 mises among the people as to its object. Some said it 
 was to be an asylum for inebriates, or a factory of some 
 sort that would make everybody rich ; while others hinted 
 that the capital of the State was to be removed to Fou- 
 fouville, and that the large building was the Senate 
 House. After the Harmonians took up their abode in 
 their new home, their habits of seclusion still further 
 piqued the curiosity of their neighbors, and when it was 
 found that they kept themselves rigidly aloof from out- 
 siders, abstaining from all intercourse with the world 
 around them, suspicion was added to curiosity, and 
 strange rumors of the doings within those secret walls were 
 whispered mysteriously among the people. The village 
 gossips had not failed to- repeat to their pastor all the 
 miserable lies that obtained credence amongst them ; old 
 ladies over the tea-table had made Mrs. Knox's blood 
 run cold with harrowing accounts of the treatment of 
 women and children ; and a committee of vestrymen and 
 deacons had called upon the minister that very morning 
 to consult as to the best means to be taken to rid the 
 town of so great a scandal. When, as occasionally hap- 
 pened, Professor Malpest and the doctor drove through 
 the village on their way to the city, the small boys 
 glanced at them askant, young maidens timidly shrank 
 within doors, while grown men and women frowned as 
 they went by, and the old ones shook their heads and 
 looked knowing. 
 
 The Eev. Mr. Knox was on his way to visit some of 
 
200 THE rniLOSOPIIERS OF foufouville. 
 
 the poor and sick among his parishioners when he came 
 upon the forlorn Peewit sitting by the road-side. 
 
 " Yon seem to be in trouble, my friend," said he. " It 
 will gratify me if I can do anything to alleviate your dis- 
 tress. This life is one of suffering and trial to prepare 
 us for a better world to come. Here none of us are free 
 from sorrow ; we must all bear our share of the burden. 
 Are you in want of money ? " 
 
 As he spoke, the kind-hearted parson held out a quarter 
 of a dollar. Tears started to Peewit's eyes. He could 
 not speak, but by way of answer slapped his pocket, 
 making the silver jingle. 
 
 " Ah ! " said the minister, " then your trouble is of the 
 mind, not of the body. It is the peculiar province of 
 my vocation, and my greatest happiness, to bring relief to 
 those who are weary and heavy-laden." 
 
 Peewit thought of the ruined scj'the, the destro}'ed 
 peach-tree, the decapitated dog, the implacable Strong- 
 itharm, and groaned aloud. 
 
 " Unhappy man ! " said the Rev. Mr. Knox, in a tone of 
 deep commiseration, " whether it be crime or the cruel 
 shaft of misfortune that has reduced you to your present 
 condition, — whether you be suffering from the stings of re- 
 morse or from the pangs of sorrow, — I beg you to look 
 upon me as a s}-mpathizmg brother. Do you reside in 
 this vicinity ? " 
 
 Peewit pointed to Harmony Hall. 
 
 "What! Do you come from that stronghold of 
 Belial ? " exclaimed the divine, shrinking back. " Arc you 
 one of those prodigal profligates, one of those licentious 
 libertines? You have not the appearance of a radically 
 bad man. Can it be possible that you are living in a 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 201 
 
 state of sin with one to whom you have not been united 
 according to the rites of the church ? " 
 
 " Alas ! sir, it is too true," answered Peewit, with a 
 heavy sigh. " She just took me without any ceremony 
 at aM." 
 
 The good minister stood silent for a moment with an 
 expression more of sorrow than of anger. 
 
 "You look dejected," said he. "Man cannot get rid 
 of the qualms of conscience as easily as he throws off his 
 coat. They cling to him more closely than his shadow, 
 for they follow him day and night ; yea, they pursue him 
 even in his dreams. It would be strange if such guilt did 
 not lie heavy on your heart. Do you sincerely repent of 
 all yonr enormities ? " 
 
 "Indeed I do, sir, indeed I do," answered the wretched 
 Peewit. 
 
 " Then there is hope," replied Mr. Knox, as his severe 
 if not harsh features relaxed with a smile of satisfaction ; 
 " for there is more joy in heaven over one sinner who 
 repenteth, than over a thousand just men made perfect. 
 Would you like to be released from the bonds with which 
 Satan has bound you? " 
 
 " I should be rejoiced, sir," answered Peewit. 
 
 " I regret my friend that I cannot perform the good 
 work to-day," replied the minister ; " other and imperative 
 duties call me hence ; but, if you will meet me at the 
 church to-morrow evening with your partner in guilt, I 
 will unite you indissolubly in the holy bonds of matri- 
 mony, according to the forms ordained and prescribed by 
 the convocation of bishops and deacons." 
 
 Peewit was struck dumb with astonishment, and, before 
 he could recover his speech, the worthy missionary handed 
 
202 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 hini his card, and bidding him farewell "went on his way, 
 happy in the belief that he had sown some good seed, 
 which might perhaps take root and ripen, and end in the 
 conversion of the whole heathen community at Harmony 
 Hall. * 
 
 Poor Peewit felt more miserable than ever. It seemed 
 as if he had escaped from Scylla only to see Charybdis 
 looming up before him. A feeling of utter listlessness 
 was stealing over him when the gnawings of hunger roused 
 him to exertion, for he had eaten nothing since morning, 
 and he resolved to enter the village in search of food. 
 He soon came to an oj 7 ster-stand alongside of a rum-shop 
 and, being exceedingly hungry, ordered four dozen on the 
 half-shell. 
 
 While Peewit was satisfying his prodigious appetite at 
 the oyster-stand a group of idlers were lounging around 
 the adjoining bar-room, discussing the merits, or rather 
 the demerits, of their neighbors at Harmony Hall. 
 
 " Have you heard of the new sex we've got amongst 
 us?" said one of them, who appeared to be a farm-hand. 
 " They've built themselves a great barn of a house, and 
 there they all live together like rabbits ; and such carry- 
 ings-on ! I tell you it makes my blood bile to think on't." 
 
 k ' They are wus nor the Mormons, they are," said a red- 
 faced young man, " for they keep all their women in com- 
 mon." 
 
 " They are a public nuisance, that's what they are," 
 answered the farmer ; " they don't buy nothin' from their 
 neighbors like honest folk, but go to the city arter every- 
 thing. "What good do sich people do in the world ? And 
 then it's currently reported, it is, that they have six wives 
 apiece. I tell you sich doin's riles me, they does." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 203 
 
 " Yes," said a tow-headed youth about eighteen years 
 of age, " and I've heerd some awful stories about their 
 'nitiation ceremonies. Do you know," he continued, 
 lowering his voice, " that they mixes a horrid mess of 
 blood, brains, and livers, with bats, toads, serpents, and 
 other horrid reptiles, in a great black iron pot, and they 
 make a fire under it, and when it's bilin' they go hoppin' 
 and dancin' about it yellin' and singin', — 
 
 " ' Round about the caldron go ; 
 In the pizened entrails throw, 
 Adder's fork and blind worm's sting, 
 Lizard's leg and owlet's wing; 
 Double, double, toil and trouble; 
 Fire burn, and caldron bubble.' 
 
 They sing that and other diabolical songs that no respect- 
 able pussen ever heerd. One on 'em who stopped here 
 over night a bit ago, and called himself Longshanks, 
 whispered it to me in the dark, as we sat on the stoop a- 
 clrinkin' toddy. I tell you my hair stood on end, and I 
 was so skeered I didn't sleep a wink all night." 
 
 "That reminds me," said a lanky, purple-nosed indi- 
 vidual, who looked like a 'longshoreman, " that I actially 
 see one on 'em myself, — a tall, cross-eyed villain with gold 
 specs, and dressed in black from head to foot, like Belze- 
 hub, — I see him with my own eyes, kill a snake." 
 
 " And the same fellow," said the farmer, " offered my 
 boys a cent apiece for frogs ; said he liked 'em fried ; but 
 that was a blind, you know. I told the boys they had 
 better have no dealin's with him, for Satan's money burns 
 the fingers. I tell you what, it's my opinion that the law- 
 
204 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF foufouville. 
 
 abidin', God-fearin' people ought to turn out and burn their 
 cussed place down to the ground." 
 
 "And tar and feather the hull crew," said the 'long- 
 shoreman. 
 
 " I wouldn't harm the women-folks," said the red-faced 
 young man, " though I do believe they're nothing better 
 nor witches, for I met one on 'em myself, a lean, yaller- 
 haired critter, one day, in the woods a-gathering catnip 
 and other yerbs to bile. in the black pot. I made tracks 
 from that place mighty quick, I did." 
 
 " There's a fat old fellow who seems to be the head 
 devil," said the tow-headed bumpkin. " One evening 
 about sundown I see him a-sittin' in the garden porin' over 
 a book ; so I crep' up along the fence, very quiet-like, and 
 what do you think? He was a-readin' out loud, and it 
 was a lingo nobody couldn't understand, — regular necro- 
 mancy talk it was. I crawled away faster than I went. 
 Why, look ! There's one of the blood-thirsty varmints out- 
 side a-swallerin' oysters. I've seen him more nor onst 
 when I've been a-passin' by the place. He's ginerally 
 talkin' to the yaller-haired woman. Jimini ! How he 
 does put 'em down ! You'd think he hadn't eat for a 
 week." 
 
 Peewit now became the . unconscious focus of many 
 eyes. 
 
 " Let's call him up and pump him," said the 'long- 
 shoreman. 
 
 " It's mighty little j^ou'll get out of him," answered the 
 farmer; "for evil-doers aren't accustomed to blab their 
 secrets to everybody." 
 
 Peewit had now finished the oysters, and was staring 
 around, at a loss what next to do with himself. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE . 205 
 
 " A man can't do nothin' unless he tries," answered the 
 'longshoreman; and then, going up to Peewit, he said, 
 by way of introducing himself politely, — 
 
 " Stranger, what'll yer drink? " 
 
 " Soda-water, thank you," replied Peewit, who really 
 felt very thirsty. 
 
 " That's a good un," said the other. " A man asks yer 
 what yer'll drink, and yer say ' soda-water.' There aint 
 no Maine law in Jersey. Will yer take rum or whis- 
 key?" 
 
 Now Peewit of course knew that strong drink was a 
 tabooed article among Harmonians ; but then, was he, 
 strictly speaking, any longer a member of the society? 
 There was room for doubt on this point ; but there was 
 no doubt whatever that the mishaps of the morning 
 .weighed heavy on his spirits, while the oysters laid heavy 
 on his stomach. He had often heard the doctor say, 
 that a desperate disease required a desperate remedy, 
 and what case could be more so than his? He felt that 
 both physically and mentally he needed some stimulant. 
 A single glass, instead of doing him harm, would do him 
 good, and who would ever know that he had taken it? 
 
 •* Well, I don't care if I do take a glass of rum," were 
 the words with which he accepted the polite invitation of 
 'longshoreman. 
 
 The two then entered the saloon, walked up to the bar, 
 and drank the liquor, having of course complied with the 
 customary preliminary ceremony of striking the glasses 
 together and saying, " Here's luck." 
 
 Peewit who had not tasted anything stronger than cat- 
 nip-tea since he became a Harmonian, smacked his lips 
 18 
 
206 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 with satisfaction as he felt the fiery liquid going down his 
 throat. 
 
 The red-faced young man, who had recoiled as the 
 dreaded Ilarmonian passed, now said to the former in a 
 whisper, — 
 
 " That's the way to work him. They're sworn to se- 
 crecy, you know." 
 
 "Nothin's wus," said the farmer, "than to eat cold 
 isters without drinking. My rule is, a pint of liquor to 
 a pint of isters. Let's liquor ag'in. Hot Jamaicy all 
 round." 
 
 " Make it a stiffencr," said the 'longshoreman, in an 
 undertone to the bar-tender. 
 
 II rCy a que le premier pas qui coute. (Would that this 
 applied to tight boots!) Peewit swallowed the stiffen- 
 er,with even less compunctions of conscience than the 
 first glass, although it brought the tears to his eyes. 
 Then, thinking that courtesy required him to make some 
 acknowledgment, he begged to have the honor of treating 
 the company, — an honor that was willingly accorded him. 
 
 " You are a stranger in these ere parts I should guess ?" 
 said the former. 
 
 " No," answered Peewit ; " I am from the phalan- 
 stery." 
 
 " Indeed ! " said the 'longshoreman, with affected sur- 
 prise. " You have a gay time up there, don't you? " 
 
 " I wish we had," replied Peewit. 
 
 " That's a good un," rejoined the other. " Now tell us 
 how many you keep." 
 
 " How many what ? " 
 
 " Why, women-folks of course." 
 
 " Three," answered Peewit, who did not suppose that 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF F0UF0UV1LLE. 207 
 
 the question could have reference solely to his own con- 
 nubial arrangement. " Only three at present, but I ex- 
 pect there will be hundreds more before the summer is 
 over." 
 
 The inquisitors exchanged glances of unfeigned aston- 
 ishment and disgust at the awful turpitude of Mr. Pee- 
 wit. 
 
 "No wonder the fellow looks played out," said tho 
 'longshoreman to the farmer. 
 
 " He's wus," whispered the latter, " nor the king of the 
 Cannibal Islands that Parson Knox tells us about, for 
 that pagan only has ninety-nine." 
 
 " I'd like to spend a month or so there, just to expose 
 'em," said the red-faced young man. 
 
 "What becomes of all the young uns?" asked the 
 farmer. 
 
 " What young ones ? " answered Peewit. " We have no 
 young ones." 
 
 " He is on his guard," whispered the 'longshoreman. 
 "Bar-tender, drinks all round ; Jarsey lightnin'." 
 
 One — two — three — four more drinks were taken. 
 The farmer then returned to the charge. 
 
 " Do you mean to tell us," said he, " that no children 
 result from your miscellaneous arrangement?" 
 
 " None of us have had any, excepting the doctor," re- 
 plied Pewitt ; " and he has buried all but one." 
 
 " Buried 'em alive ? " asked the tow-headed boy, turn- 
 ing pale. 
 
 " Yes," answered the reckless Peewit, who was rapidly 
 getting fuddled, and did not clearly comprehend the ques- 
 tion. " Yes, we're all buried alive in that infernal hole." 
 
208 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 
 
 " Oh ! the bloody wretches ! " exclaimed all in chorus. 
 " Let's lynch the fellow — skin hirn alive — pitch him in 
 the pond." 
 
 " Softly, boys, softly," said the farmer. " Keep still. 
 I'll manage it. Come^ friend, come along with us a little 
 way, and we'll give you a big drink," he continued, giving 
 Peewit a shake, for that gentleman was becoming some- 
 what oblivious, his eyes being half closed, and his chin 
 resting on his breast as if he had no strength in the mus- 
 cles of his neck. " Come along with us." 
 
 "NurT said, ole fell'r," answered Peewit. "Who's 
 afraid? (Hiccup.) Lead on — Pm wish yer — for you're a 
 jolly ole boy ! — Ha ! ha ! ha ! Reminds me of ole times 
 — 'fore Strongsham got me. "What a fool I wash ! but 
 ish all right now. (Hiccup.) 
 
 " ' For we won't go home till mornin', 
 Till daylight dosh appear.' 
 
 Ila ! ha ! Goojoke — goodjoke." 
 
 In this manner, laughing, singing, and talking non- 
 sense, the most unlucky of Harmonians was inveigled, 
 staggering towards an adjacent pond. On arriving at the 
 brink, he was suddenly seized by eight strong arms (for, 
 like the assassins of Ccesar, all these ministers of justice 
 wished to have a hand in the deed) , and, while actually 
 calling it a " goodjoke," tossed into the water. 
 
 " Take that, you bigamous Turk," cried the 'longshore- 
 man. 
 
 " This is what we call the water-cure," said the 
 farmer. 
 
 As the water was only about live feet deep, Peewit now 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 209 
 
 came spluttering to the surface, and, puffing and blowing, 
 scrambled ashore. 
 
 " Duck him ag'in — cluck him ag'in," shouted his quon- 
 dam friends, seizing him as before, and throwing him 
 in again, with shouts of laughter mingled with execrations 
 and epithets more forcible than polite. 
 
 Peewit' scrambled out a second time, and a third time 
 was tossed in. 
 
 " That will cool you off, you infamous Mormon ! " cried 
 one of his tormentors, as soon as his head emerged once 
 more. " You must need it with all your women." 
 
 " "Wo-wo-women ! " blubbered the half-drowned victim, 
 standing up to his neck in the water ; " why they wo-wo- 
 won't let me co-come within ten feet of my own wife." 
 
 " Tell that to the marines," the 'longshoreman called 
 out. " You can't git off by lyin' now ; it's too late." 
 
 " Oh ! Oh ! I've had enough ; let me go ! " cried the 
 shivering sufferer, in piteous accents. 
 
 " You aint had enough to wash away your sins," cried 
 the farmer. 
 
 As Peewit persisted in standing in the water, for he did 
 not dare to come out again, the four indignant citizens 
 amused themselves by pelting him for some time with 
 mud, and finally walked away, filled with the proud con- 
 sciousness of having performed a most just and praise- 
 worthy exploit. The red-faced young man, however, 
 seemed to be seized with a slight feeling of commiseration 
 for the luckless victim of perfidy, and, on leaving, de- 
 posited a bottle of brandy on the ground for his benefit. 
 
 Leaving the drenched and partially sobered Peewit to 
 make his way to dry land, we will take a glance at the 
 course of events at Harmony Hall. 
 18* 
 
210 THE rniLOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 A bottle of hartshorn in the hands of Dr. Goodenough 
 had recalled Mrs. Strongitharm to consciousness. Loud 
 were her lamentations over the remains of Jack, and 
 bitter her objurgations against his executioner. The two 
 pieces of the defunct quadruped were gathered together, 
 and, by her directions, placed in a macaroni box and 
 solemnly interred. She seemed to grieve unaffectedly for 
 the loss of her pet, showing that even the strongest of 
 the strong-minded possess much of the woman ; but, after 
 the first outburst of her regret was over, she said little. 
 Those who knew her, however, pitied Peewit. 
 
 That gentleman's absence was remarked at dinner. 
 
 " It is strange," said the doctor, " for he is usually so 
 punctual at meal-times." 
 
 The rest of the company, however, did not think that 
 under the circumstances it was very surprising. 
 
 Supper came, but no Peewit. 
 
 " I hope nothing can have happened to him," said Miss 
 Griffin. 
 
 " Probably only fled from the wrath to come," said 
 Lovcll. 
 
 Mrs. Strongitharm gave the speaker a withering glance. 
 
 At last a familiar voice was heard outside singing, then 
 an unsteady step in the hall ; the door opened, and the 
 absentee staggered in, — hatless, coatless, covered with 
 mud from head to foot, and dripping wet. ■ Swinging an 
 empty bottle in his hand, he sang in drunken glee as he 
 tottered forward, — 
 
 " ' Oh ! Bowery gals, won't you como out to-night, 
 Won't you como out to-night, 
 "Won't you come out to-night? 
 Oh! Bowery gals, won't you come out to-night, 
 
 And dansh by the light of the moon ? ' " 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVJLLE. 211 
 
 " Merciful Heavens ! " exclaimed Miss Griffin. " "What 
 is the matter with' Joseph? " 
 
 " He is drunk," said Professor Malpest. 
 
 The doctor looked up perfectly aghast with astonish- 
 ment. He seemed riveted to his chair ; and, although his 
 mouth was wide open, he did not utter a word. 
 
 Mrs. Strongitharm sat stern and impassable, with her 
 eyes fixed on the recreant Harmonian. 
 
 "Where's Lishabet?" said the latter, staggering to- 
 wards the table. "Where's Lishabet? Come, ole gal, 
 dansh wi' me ; polky, schottish, anything ; come along, — 
 
 ' ' For we won't go home till monrin', 
 Till daylight dosh appear.' " 
 
 Mr. Peewit now got hold of a chair and made a 
 ludicrous attempt to dance a jig with it ; but the perform- 
 ance ended with a break-down, for he fell heavily upon 
 the floor, knocking off two of his partner's legs. 
 
 " This is a sorrowful sight," said the doctor. 
 
 " Oh, it is heart-rending ! " answered Miss Griffin, 
 hiding her face in her handkerchief. 
 
 Professor Malpest stuffed his napkin into his moutb, 
 and seemed to be undergoing a fearful internal struggle 
 to suppress the manifestation of his emotions. 
 
 The expression of concentrated wrath and disgust 
 visible in the eyes of Mrs. Strongitharm would have 
 petrified the gay Peewit, if his vision had not been obfus- 
 cated by liquor. 
 
 Charity whispered something to Leander, who rose, 
 and, taking him by the arm, said, — 
 
 "Peewit, my clear fellow, you had better go to bed. 
 Come with me." 
 
212 THE MILOSOPIIERS OF F0UF0UV1LLE. 
 
 "Whof for?" answered Peewit, who was still sitting 
 on the floor amidst the ruins of the chair. "Whof for 
 gotobed?" 
 
 " Because you are intoxicated." 
 
 " I intoshicate ! That's a good un. Ha ! ha ! ha ! " 
 answered the hilarious gentleman, with a silly simper. 
 
 "What have you been drinking, sir?" asked Mrs. 
 Strongitkarm, sternly. 
 
 " Drinkin' ! I drinkin' ! Do I look as hif been drinkin' ? " 
 replied Peewit, with a stupid leer. "If drunk — mush 
 be ze oyshters — oyshters did it." 
 
 "Oysters!" cried the doctor. "Has brother Joseph 
 been tempted to eat oysters, — oysters, which contain the 
 living principle ? Has the sin of gluttony found its way 
 into Harmony Hall ? Is the apple turned to an oyster ? " 
 
 " Yesh," said Peewit ; " four doshen raw." 
 
 " Raw? then he eat 'em alive ! " exclaimed the doctor, 
 with a look of dismay. 
 
 Professor Malpest showed the whites of his eyes, and 
 then going up to Peewit caught the almost helpless Har- 
 rnonian by the legs, while Lovell took him by the arms, 
 and, lifting him from the floor, they carried him up to bed, 
 in spite of his kicking and struggling, and the continued 
 reiteration of his assertion that he wouldn't go home till 
 morning. 
 
 The next day, when Peewit opened his eyes, the awful 
 form of Mrs. Strongitharm loomed up before him, stand- 
 ing by his bedside. The unhappy Utopian instantly 
 buried his head under the quilt. 
 
 " You may well hide your face in shame," said she, 
 " after your atrocity of the morning, and disgracing your- 
 self in the evening. But I shall waste no words on you. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 213 
 
 I shall no longer sully my good name by alliance with 
 such an incorrigible profligate. The copartnership be- 
 tween us is dissolved." 
 
 Peewit looked up with an expression of hope. 
 
 " It will be useless for you to implore," continued the 
 termagant; "my decision is irrevocable. Henceforth, 
 you cun follow your own path to perdition. I leave you 
 to your reflections." And so saying, the incensed dame, 
 with a look of withering scorn at the recreant and very 
 much relieved Peewit, swept out of the room. 
 
 He breathed more freely. 
 
 " Thank God, it is over ! " he said. Then he tried to 
 go to sleep again, but could not ; for he felt sick at the 
 stomach and had a raging headache. But the feelings of 
 deep contrition and repentance, that he had experienced 
 on awakening, had been singularly modified by the happy 
 turn that had been given to his case by Mrs. Strongitharm. 
 
 He had been turning uneasily on his pillow for some 
 time, when he heard a light tap at his door. 'Miss Griffin 
 entered. 
 
 " Joseph," said she, " you do not appear well. I am 
 sorry for you, and have brought you a piece of toast and 
 a cup of catnip tea." 
 
 " She is a cherub," said Peewit to himself; and then, 
 in the exuberance of his gratitude, he extended both 
 arms, and with the tea in one hand and the toast 
 in the other, repeated, in a husky voice, Scott's beautiful 
 lines, — 
 
 " ' woman! in our hours of ease 
 Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
 When pain and anguish wring the brow, 
 A ministering angel, thou.' 
 
214 THE rniLOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 " O Miss Minerva, Low different you are from Mrs. 
 Strongitharm ! " 
 
 "Woman," answered Miss Griffin, "was not created 
 to exist for self; her nature is too deep ; her sympathies 
 too cosmopolitan. She has a mission to fulfil on earth, 
 — a mission of love.' 
 
 " She don't seem to think so," replied Peewit, sipping 
 the tea and nibbling at the toast. 
 
 "She? She is not a true woman," answered Miss 
 Minerva. 
 
 " She is an ogre," exclaimed Peewit ; but, could his 
 sight have penetrated the door, his tongue would have 
 cloven to the roof of his mouth, for the outraged object 
 of his vituperation stood listening behind it. 
 
 " She is a half man, like her dress," said Miss Griffin. 
 " No wonder she has driven you to desperation. She is 
 too masculine, Joseph, to appreciate the delicacy of your 
 nature." 
 
 " She is feminine enough to understand yours, you 
 hussy ! " cried Mrs. Strongitharm, bursting into the room. 
 ".You coarse, impudent female, to come here debauching 
 my partner ! And what have you to say for yourself, sir ? 
 You drunken brute ! you weak-spirited shadow of a man ! " 
 she continued, turning fiercely towards Peewit, who 
 shrunk to the farther side of the bed, and barricaded him- 
 self behind a fortification of bolsters and pillows. How- 
 ever he must have been still somewhat reckless from his 
 recent carouse, for he answered her with unwonted temer- 
 ity,— 
 
 "Madam, your apartment is at the other end of the 
 house." 
 
 " He dares to answer me!" screamed Mrs. Strong- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 215 
 
 itharm. " He dares to answer me ! This is your work, you 
 yellow-haired siren ! you green-eyed monster ! But my 
 name is not Elizabeth Strongitharm or you shall repent of 
 it ; " and with that she seized Miss Griffin by the hair with 
 one hand, while with the other she wrenched off her ele- 
 gant jockey hat. But the blood of all the Griffins was 
 up, and with her nails the furious maiden scratched the 
 face of her assailant, and tore her lace collar to shreds. 
 The shrieks and screams of the ladies now rang through 
 the building, chairs and tables were overturned, while 
 ribbons and hair flew in all directions. 
 
 Peewit jumped out of bed, spilling the hot tea over his 
 bare legs, which made him howl with pain, and endeav- 
 ored to thrust a bolster between the amazons, but, as he 
 did so, the Griffin's claws, in scratching about wildly, 
 came in contact with his cheeks, leaving five blood-stained 
 lines, while the fist of the Strongitharm, directed at the 
 head of her adversary, landed upon his interposed nose, 
 causing the blood to fairly spout. 
 
 The awful commotion alarmed the whole household, and 
 everybody came rushing to the scene of battle. 
 
 The doctor arrived first, puffing and blowing, and almost 
 out of breath with the exertion of hurrying upstairs. 
 
 The combat ceased at his presence. 
 
 " Why — why — why ! " he exclaimed ; " what's this? — 
 what's this ? Discord in Harmony Hall ! I am astonished 
 — astonished ! Have you forgotten the precepts of St. 
 Augustine ? Ira furor est. What's the matter ? What's 
 the matter ? " 
 
 Both the ladies began vociferating at once, and the 
 epithets of " Hussy," " Strumpet," " Shameful woman," 
 " Abandoned female," " Vile creature," " Hateful thing," 
 
216 THE rniLOSOPIlERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 and other choice expressions of feminine wrath were freely 
 bandied about, until the two women were actually on the 
 point of recommencing the row, when the doctor seized 
 Mrs. Strongitharm in his arms, while Mr. Lovell did the 
 same to Miss Griffin. The irate and highly excited ladies 
 were then forcibly borne to their respective rooms, where 
 the doctor advised them to spend the rest of the day in 
 silent reflection, and, by way of balm to their wounded 
 feelings, sent each of them a copy of " Hervey's Medita- 
 tions " and a bottle of Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup. 
 
 Professor Malpest had peeped in during the scrimmage, 
 but, thinking from appearances that a sort of free fight 
 was in progress, fled to the cupola, where he locked him- 
 self in and stayed till dinner-time. 
 
 The doctor had been sorely troubled by the riotous and 
 disgraceful conduct of Peewit on the preceding evening, 
 and the additional vexation of spirit caused by the igno- 
 minious wrangle between the ladies almost threw him into 
 a fever. It was clear to his mind that Peewit, the fallen 
 Peewit, was the primary cause of all the disturbance ; but 
 it was not in his nature to inflict cruel or unusual pun- 
 ishments (excepting in the form of long discourses) ; in 
 fact, any penalty inflicted on the culprit would have been 
 felt more severely by the tender-hearted old doctor than 
 by the sinner himself. Yet would it be safe to permit 
 such a disorderly and abandoned character to continue 
 with his flock, without taking some means to check his 
 vicious propensities, and prevent his example from infect- 
 ing others ? In his perplexity he walked up and down his 
 study, with his hands behind his back, shaking his head, 
 and anon muttering passages from Aristotle and Marcus 
 Aurelius. The dinner hour found him still undecided. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVLLLE. 217 
 
 Peewit did not come down to the table, but remained 
 in his room. The excitement of the morning broil had 
 driven away his headache ; but he was ashamed to show 
 his face. 
 
 The dinner that day was a mournful meal. The doctor 
 did not utter a word, and the rest of the party, out of 
 respect, and partly because their feelings also oppressed 
 them, remained silent. Hardly anything was eaten, for, 
 with the exception of Professor Malpest, no one had any 
 appetite. 
 
 When the cloth was removed, the doctor slowly and 
 solemnly rose, raised his spectacles to his forehead, and 
 proceeded to address the company, looking (as Lovell 
 afterwards said) like a Lord Chancellor holding a High 
 Court of Justice over the dinner-table. 
 
 "My dear brethren," said he, "look at me, and 
 behold the calmness, the serenity that is derived from 
 overcoming the evil passions of the heart. As St. Augus- 
 tine tells us, ' Quod partes iroe atque libidinis tarn vitiose 
 moventer, ut eas necesse sit frenis sapientioe cohiberi ; ' 
 we must subject our anger and our lust to the bridle of 
 wisdom. 
 
 " The petty trials and privations incident to our short 
 probation on earth cannot disturb my equanimity. I 
 mention this, not for the sake of personal glorification, 
 but because, although in youth my appetites were strong, 
 my humble efforts to keep down the spirit of self-indul- 
 gence have at last been crowned with success ; which is a 
 practical proof that this happy condition can be obtained 
 by those who earnestly strive for it." 
 
 "If they live long enough," said Leander, sotto voce. 
 
 " If we give way to one debasing passion," continued 
 19 
 
218 the rniLOSOPHEns of foufouville. 
 
 the doctor, " others will rise up to torment us ; love is 
 attended by jealousy ; jealousy by hatred ; hatred by 
 envy, malice, and all uncharitableness ; and we are liable 
 at any moment to become lost in anger, for ' ira furor 
 brevis est,' as Piccolomineus says. 
 
 "When the rules and regulations of this establishment 
 were drawn up, no provision was made for such scandal- 
 ous and calamitous occurrences as have shocked us during 
 the last twenty-four hours. Such doings could not be 
 foreseen. I supposed that the potent voice of reason 
 would ever be found sufficient to sway the weak or the 
 unworthy in this peaceful abode ; but, alas ! our error is 
 now manifest, and it is with infinite pain that I acknowl- 
 edge, what is patent to us all, that some members of this 
 society have shown themselves still tainted with the 
 leaven of the world. Brother Joseph Peewit must be held 
 responsible as the chief author of the disgrace that has 
 befallen us. He stands convicted, by his own confession, 
 of having eaten live oysters ; and, as one crime infallibly 
 leads to another, his gluttony (to use a mild term) was 
 followed by the imbibation of strong drink, whereby he 
 became helplessly inebriated ; and, as if with a deliberate 
 intention to drive us all to despair, he followed up the 
 revel of yesterday, as we all know too well, by this morn- 
 ing exciting a dreadful disturbance among some of the 
 female members of the society. I consider him an ex- 
 ceedingly dangerous person, and would like to have your 
 opinions as to what is the best course to pursue under 
 these distressing circumstances." 
 
 " My opinion," said Professor Malpest, " is this : 
 since he has been guilty of intemperance in food and 
 drink, let him be put on a diet of bread and water for 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 219 
 
 one week. Since he has created trouble among the ladies, 
 let him be prohibited from speaking to them during his 
 probation. This would satisfy the requirements of strict 
 justice." 
 
 Mrs. Strongitharm and Miss Griffin now both began 
 talking at once, as loud and as fast as they could ; but 
 Mrs. Strongitharm having the more powerful organ, she 
 shut up her rival, or, to speak more correctly, succeeded 
 in making herself heard in spite of her. 
 
 " Leave him to me," said she ; " I'll manage him, — I'll 
 bring him to reason." 
 
 " You bring him to reason ! " screamed Miss Griffin. 
 " It is you who have driven him to despair." 
 
 " Better leave him to himself," said Lovell ; " his head- 
 ache will be a stronger argument than any other." 
 
 After a protracted and animated discussion, the council 
 broke up without having come to any definite conclusion. 
 
 The doctor retired to his study, and soon afterwards 
 sent for Peewit, who obeyed the summons with the air of 
 a criminal going to execution. What passed at the in- 
 terview, we unfortunately have not been able to ascer- 
 tain ; but the door was ajar, and Miss Griffin, who hap- 
 pened to pass by two or three times, heard the doctor 
 quoting Greek and Latin to Peewit, who was sitting on 
 a stool, with his hands on his knees, which were close to- 
 gether, like an Egyptian statue, — the image of resignation. 
 At the expiration of an hour, Peewit emerged looking 
 very weary, and carrying in one hand a vial of spirits of 
 camphor, and, in the other, the " Regeneration of Man." 
 He threw the book under a table, and then directed his 
 steps to the grove at the end of the garden, tossing the 
 vial of camphor over the fence on his way, and sat down 
 
220 THE rniLOSOPJJEES OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 on a bench, with his hands in his pockets, in the posi- 
 tion of the rake in Hogarth's picture of the " Morning 
 after the Marriage." Miss Griffin soon joined him, and 
 they were observed, for a long time, in close and earnest 
 conversation. 
 
 After the departure of Peewit, Professor Malpcst en- 
 tered the doctor's study, and, apparently choking with 
 suppressed emotion, declared that he was almost over- 
 come with grief at the scandalous and deplorable events 
 that had transpired. 
 
 " Such," said he, " is the consequence of admitting 
 persons into the society whose minds are not sufficiently 
 matured by years to comprehend and follow up the ex- 
 alted doctrines of Harmonianism. The sooner all such 
 disreputable characters were got rid of, the better it would 
 be for those who remained." 
 
 He did not refer particularly to brother Joseph ; there 
 were others whose presence he feared would be even 
 more disastrous to the younger sisters, unless means 
 were taken to counteract the effect of their manoGuvres. 
 Women are so completely the creatures of impulse, that, 
 when the promptings of nature begin to be felt, the pres- 
 ence of a man — a man whose passions are subordinate 
 to his reason — is required as a monitor and guide. He 
 then reminded the doctor that the month which had been 
 granted to Miss Charity before giving her adhesion to her 
 father's most admirable plan for her welfare had now 
 passed. 
 
 "It is up to-day, dear brother," said the doctor ; " and 
 I will immediately send for my daughter, and you shall be 
 affianced." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 221 
 
 " I fear, sir," answered the professor, " you will find 
 that a malign influence has been exercised over her young 
 mind by one who has no claim upon her." 
 
 " What do you mean? Whom do you refer to? " 
 
 " I refer, sir, to one who has forced himself upon us 
 unasked ; who has never read one line of your immortal 
 works, and is incapable of understanding them like a true 
 Harmonian ; to one still tainted with the leaven of the 
 world, and who continues amongst us with no other inten- 
 tion than to instil the subtle poison of passion, with which 
 he is himself affected, into the heart of j r our daughter. I 
 refer to that witless reprobate, Leander Lovell." 
 
 "Can such depravity be possible?" said the doctor; 
 " and that, too, after I have clearly explained to him the 
 nature and consequences of that infirmity, together with 
 the remedies prescribed by the greatest philosophers of 
 ancient times. I am astonished." 
 
 " Behold, sir, the confirmation of my words," said the 
 professor, pointing to Charity and Leander, who were 
 strolling through the garden hand in hand. • 
 
 " It is incredible, incredible. I can hardly believe the 
 evidence of my senses," said the doctor, going to the 
 window and calling to the lovers, whom he ordered some- 
 what peremptorily to come to him at once. 
 
 " You may need to exert all your firmness, sir," said 
 the professor, " for it is possible that she may even prove 
 wanting in filial obedience." 
 
 Charity and Leander entered the study. 
 
 " My child," said the doctor, taking his daughter by 
 
 the hand, " the month that you very properly asked, for 
 
 the purpose of meditating upon the new duties that are 
 
 about to devolve upon you, has now elapsed, and I have 
 
 19* 
 
222 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 
 
 called you to mo to name the day when you will be united 
 to the man of my choice." 
 
 " Papa," said Charity, imploringly, " do not ask me to 
 marry that person." 
 
 " Why not, my dear ? " 
 
 " Because I am utterly indifferent to him." 
 
 " That is all the better," answered the doctor ; " you 
 will thus be enabled to fulfil the duties imposed upon you 
 by your sex, solely from a sense of obedience to the 
 divine command to — ; but I need not explain this 
 now." 
 
 " If I became his wife, I should hate him. I hate him 
 now." 
 
 " Hate ! " said the doctor. " How can such a senti- 
 ment have found its way into Harmony Hall? You 
 should strive to overcome such feelings. But 3*011 cannot 
 do it alone ; your mind is too weak ; you require the aid 
 of a stronger will. Let me hear no more nonsense from 
 you, my child ; for in a fortnight from to-day, I intend 
 • that you shall marry brother Nicholas, the most upright 
 and conscientious of men." 
 
 " I cannot do it, I cannot do it, father," answered 
 Charity, weeping ; " for I not only feel a repugnance 
 against him, but — " she hesitated, cast down her eyes, 
 and colored deeply — " I love another." 
 
 "You love, carnally speaking," cried the doctor; 
 " and when you know that it is contrary to my precepts. 
 Thus does one fault lead to another." 
 
 " Such," said Professor Malpcst, " is the inevitable 
 result of contact with the worldly-minded. If permitted 
 to continue, there is no knowing what lamentable conse- 
 quences might ensue." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 223 
 
 Leander, who had maintained a respectful silence 
 while the doctor was speaking, could contain his sup- 
 pressed wrath no longer. 
 
 " You despicable sycophant ! " said he, with clenched 
 fists, approaching the professor, who shrank trembling 
 behind the doctor's chair, " if you dare to utter one 
 syllable against her, or against me, I shall fell you to the 
 earth." 
 
 He doubtless meant "the floor," but that is immaterial. 
 His voice attracted the attention of the doctor, who had 
 thus far seemed oblivious to his presence. 
 
 " You are the cause of all this trouble," said the old 
 man. "It is you who have called forth in my daughter 
 the sinful affections' of the flesh, in direct contravention to 
 the rules and regulations of this establishment, made and 
 provided ; culminating in sedition, privy conspiracy, and 
 rebellion against the will of her parent, thereby violating 
 the fifth commandment. You are a disgrace to the 
 society, sir, and I desire you to contaminate us no longer 
 by your presence." 
 
 " Enough, sir," answered Lovell. " Since you are 
 blind to your own interests and to those of your family, 
 and are so utterly unjust to me, I should consider it a 
 degradation to remain longer with you. I shall go at 
 once, but hope before long to return with proofs of the 
 dishonesty of that contemptible, calculating parasite, who 
 is living at your expense, and deceiving you by his 
 hypocrisj''." 
 
 " Do you presume to traduce brother Nicholas?" cried 
 the doctor, his voice husky with rage. " To defame my 
 best friend before my face? This is adding insult to 
 injury. You are an infamous scoundrel, sir, an infamous 
 
224 THE miLOSOPRERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 scoundrel ! " And so saying, the old gentleman, who was 
 livid with passion, seized Lovell roughly by the coat-collar ; 
 Charity threw her arms around her father's neck, while 
 Professor Malpest, for safety, jumped on top of the table, 
 upsetting the inkstand over a MS. of the doctor's, and 
 scattering pens, papers, pamphlets, and wafers, in mis- 
 cellaneous confusion over the floor. 
 
 " Discord in Harmony Hall ! I am astonished," ex- 
 claimed Mrs. Strongitharm coming in, taking Lovell in 
 her arms, and putting him unresistingly out of the room. 
 
 " It was enough to excite St. Anthony," said the 
 doctor, dropping exhausted into his chair ; " but I was 
 hasty. I acknowledge my fault. Ira furor est; but it is 
 over now. Let the young man depart in peace. Charity, 
 my child, behold how 3-our unreasonable self-will has 
 brought my gray hairs to shame. Well may you shed 
 tears. Retire now to your room, and meditate in sorrow 
 over the effects of your obstinac3% Reason and reflection 
 may show you the error of your ways." 
 
 Lovell packed his valise in a few minutes, and was 
 about leaving the house, when Charity tapped him on the 
 shoulder. 
 
 " Leander," said she, " how can j t ou desert me so 
 thoughtlessly, merely because jour pride has been 
 wounded ? What will become of me with no one here to 
 counteract that man's influence over my father ? " 
 
 " I cannot remain without a loss of self-respect," 
 answered Lovell, " and we would gain nothing by my 
 doing so. I have with me copies of papers (that I have 
 made Secretly) which I think contain evidence of Malpest's 
 dishonest trickery. If I succeed in verifying my suspic- 
 ions, I shall return and expose him. In the mean time 
 
THE PHILOSOPHEBS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 225 
 
 if anything important should occur, — you know what I 
 mean, — write to me." 
 
 Lovell had proceeded but a few steps from the house 
 when he heard the voice of the doctor, and, turning, saw 
 the old gentleman hastening after him. 
 
 " My young friend," said he, "I was hasty with you 
 awhile ago ; I confess my fault, and ask you to excuse it. 
 It is well for you to go, but let us part in peace and good 
 will." 
 
 " My dear sir," answered Lovell, " it is not in your 
 nature to do anything that could give me the slightest ill 
 feeling towards you ; but as to that black hearted vil — " 
 
 "Stop, my boy — stop; there, give me your hand; 
 farewell." 
 
 So they parted. 
 
 When Leander had gone about a quarter of a mile he 
 again heard his name called. This time it was Peewit. 
 
 " Well, Joe," said he, " come to bid me good-by ? " 
 
 " She's an angel ! " exclaimed Peewit, who was almost 
 out of breath from running. 
 
 " She is certainly as angelic as a woman can be." 
 
 " I knew you could appreciate the beautiful. You are 
 a man of taste," replied Peewit, grasping Leander by the 
 hand. " And how gentle and considerate she is ! there 
 is nothing strong-minded about her." 
 
 "But still she is not wanting in capacity," replied 
 Lovell. 
 
 " Wits ! As to wits, I wish I had half so much. Think 
 how well she can write ! " 
 
 "I presume she can," answered Leander, "though I 
 have never yet had the pleasure of receiving any letters 
 from Miss Charity." 
 
226 THE MILOSOMERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 "Charity! What Charity? Ah! Miss Gooclenough. 
 Oh! yes! "Why I was talking about Minerva — my Mi- 
 nerva." 
 
 "Minerva? Miss Griffin? Oh! Ah! I understand. 
 Why, Joe ! are you in love with that angular female ? " 
 
 " I adore her," replied Peewit. " She is the apple of 
 my e3 r e. I admire every separate freckle on her face. 
 Did you ever see such a figure ? " 
 
 " Can't say I ever did." 
 
 " Such beautiful yellow hair ; such languishing gray 
 ayes, ; so soft a voice ; such a — " 
 
 " Now, Joe, please stop, I do indeed believe she is a 
 most estimable lady, but — " 
 
 " But ! " interrupted Peewit. " How can you put in 
 any ' buts ' ? She is perfection itself. You never saw 
 her equal." 
 
 " I cannot agree with you there, no matter how exalted 
 may be my opinion of her." 
 
 " You have no judgment — no judgment," replied Pee- 
 wit, letting go of the hand he had till then held in his 
 own. " But there is no accounting for tastes ; ' tastibus 
 non est disputandibus,' as the long-winded doctor would 
 say. Truly love is blind." 
 
 " I don't want to be personal, but must say, that it 
 seems to me you are singularly wanting in discernment," 
 said Lovell, rather tartly. 
 
 " I would not exchange my perceptive faculties for 
 yours," answered Peewit, with spirit ; " particularly if I 
 had to exchange ladies also." 
 
 The two gentlemen continued to spat with each other 
 until they were on the point of seriously quarrelling about 
 the beauty of their lady-loves, like two gallant knights of 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. ■ 227 
 
 old, when the contention was happily put an end to by 
 the opportune appearance of the Rev. Mr. Knox. 
 
 " Ah ! my good friend," said he, addressing Peewit, 
 "I am happy to meet you. Your appointment with me 
 will be kept, I hope ? " 
 
 " "We shall be punctual, sir, if eight o'clock is a con- 
 venient hour to you." 
 
 " Perfectly. Adieu," said the minister going in the 
 direction of Harmony Hall. 
 
 "What does this mean?" asked Lovell. 
 
 " Why, the truth is," replied Peewit, coloring slightly, 
 " that Mrs. Strongitharm divorced herself this morning, 
 in the same free and easy way that she took me, so that 
 now I am at liberty — I am at liberty, Lenny." 
 
 " And mean to remain so, I presume, from your joyous- 
 ness ? " 
 
 "lam going to marry her this very evening." 
 
 " Marry Mrs. Strongitharm?" 
 
 "No — no — no — my Minerva. Pm going to marry 
 my Minerva, and I want you to give the bride away." 
 
 " It seems to me that Dr. Goodenough is a more proper 
 person to do that." 
 
 "Chut!" said Peewit, lowering his voice. "Not so 
 loud. The ogre might hear us. Oh, you don't know 
 what a romantic, sentimental creature she is ! " 
 
 " The ogre ? " 
 
 « No — no — my Minerva. Chut ! It's an elopement. 
 She's going to meet me by moonlight alone ; and I've 
 arranged it all with the Rev. Hieronymus, who thinks — 
 but no matter what he thinks ; " and here the hilarious 
 Peewit in the exuberance of his spirits gave Leander a 
 poke in the ribs. " After the ceremony at the church we 
 
228 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 take the stage-coach to Commimipaw, and go thence by 
 the horse-car to Jersey City, where we will spend the 
 honey-moon." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 229 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The Rev. Hieronymus Knox takes the Bull by the Horns. 
 
 After the stirring scenes of the last chapter it will be a 
 relief to the reader's rnind to turn to the worthy pastor of 
 All Saints, and to learn how it happened that he was 
 going in the direction of Harmony Hall when his fortu- 
 nate mediation averted the threatened knightly tilt 
 between Messrs. Lovell and Peewit. 
 
 His interview with the last-named gentleman on the 
 preceding day had given him food for much serious 
 thought. The stories that had reached his ears of the 
 daily and nightly abominations at the phalanstery had 
 sorely troubled his mind. He gave little heed to the 
 reported horrors that had so excited the countrymen at 
 the tavern, and brought poor Peewit to grief ; these he 
 regarded simply as vulgar exaggerations, though where 
 there was so much smoke he thought there must be some 
 fire ; and in fact so much was given in the form of positive 
 averments, that the most incredulous could not have 
 doubted that the home of the New Utopians was little 
 better than a brothel of abandoned men and women, des- 
 perate characters, presided over by a licentious, hoary- 
 headed old libertine named Goodenough, — an artful and 
 determined emissary of the Evil One. 
 
 He knew that legal proceedings, or, in default thereof, 
 more summary processes for the abolition of this public 
 nuisance were under serious consideration by some of the 
 20 
 
230 tiie milosopiiers of foufouville. 
 
 members of his congregation, the women — especially 
 those with marriageable daughters — being particularly 
 exasperated, and urging the men on ; but violent measures 
 found little favor with the minister of the gospel of peace. 
 Yet this was not owing to any timidity in his tempera- 
 ment, for he had not hesitated in the line of self-imposed 
 duty to risk his life among the savages of the South Sea 
 until failing health had obliged him to return to civilization, 
 lie had ever found persuasion more efficacious than force, 
 and, although the whited sepulchre whose walls it was pro- 
 posed to raze was almost within the shadow of his church, 
 he strongly discountenanced all illegal measures. Did 
 not his enforced return, he thought to himself, seem like 
 a special interposition of Providence? Might he not be 
 the preordained agent of the Almighty to entel' boldly 
 into that fortress of Satan, and rescue its hapless inmates 
 from his grasp? His interview with Peewit gave him en- 
 couragement. Since there was one repentant sinner, 
 might there not be others whom a few timely words would 
 reclaim from their fallen state ? 
 
 The good man passed a sleepless night, cogitating over 
 the matter ; and the next morning announced to his wife 
 that he had determined to proceed that very afternoon to 
 the stronghold of Belial, and beard the lion in his den. 
 The poor woman, who w r as of a nervous, apprehensive 
 temperament, and who had seen her husband's dwelling 
 surrounded by hundreds of howling, painted savages, 
 thirsting for his blood, and who fondly hoped that such 
 perils were over forever, w r as almost parabyzed with 
 terror at his temerity. She entreated, she implored him 
 to give up the rash project. 
 
 No considerations of personal safety could have induced 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 231 
 
 the dauntless missionary to swerve a hair's breadth from 
 what he considered the path of duty ; but the voice of his 
 wife was ever potent with him ; her tears he could seldom 
 withstand * and it is very possible his resolution would 
 have been shaken, had it not been for the arrival of some 
 female neighbors, who were loud in approbation of their 
 pastor's self-sacrificing intention. It was currently re- 
 ported, they said, that the arch-rake Goodenough pos- 
 sessed not less than seven wives ; another of the inmates 
 of the place was known by his own confession to have 
 three, and he had unblushingly boasted that he expected 
 several hundred more. What became of all the children? 
 None had ever been seen about the premises. Here the 
 ladies exchanged significant glances with each other, and 
 shook their heads. Such doings were not to be put up 
 with. No woman was safe while such libidinous wretches 
 existed in their midst. They should be extirpated root and 
 branch. It was a wonder the Lord did not smite them 
 with thunder and lightning. They almost drove the 
 minister's wife into hysterics ; but his resolution was only 
 strengthened by what he heard. It was in vain that she 
 hung upon his arm, and begged him, with tears in her 
 eyes, not to trust himself in such a dangerous place ; or, 
 if he persisted in going, let him at least arm himself for 
 the struggle with the kitchen carving-knife, and take a 
 posse of citizens for protection. 
 
 " My dear," said Mr. Knox, kindly but firmly, " you 
 know that for righteousness' sake I have incurred perils 
 by land, and perils by water, perils from savage beasts 
 and still more savage men, and think you I would shrink 
 now from a new, even though greater, danger? I shall 
 go, cost what it may, and go alone ; armed only with my 
 
232 the rniLOSornERs of foufouville. 
 
 sermon on the 'Wages of Sin,' with which I converted 
 Mumbo-Jumbo, Goree Maori, and so many other heathen, 
 and, with the Good Book for a shield, I shall unfold to 
 those benighted and hardened sinners of the new Gomor- 
 rah the great truths of revealed religion, unless my voice 
 be arrested by the hand of Death. My will is at the 
 bottom of my trunk. Farewell ! " 
 
 It was with fearful forebodings that his timorous, 
 trembling wife saw the hardy champion of the Gospel 
 sally forth on his hazardous expedition. He was on his 
 way to Harmony Hall when he met Lovell and Peewit, 
 as we related in the preceding chapter. 
 
 When he reached the gate, he found Charity leaning 
 against it, gazing up the road, watching the fast receding 
 form of Leander. Miss Griffin was by her side. 
 
 " Truly," said the Rev. Mr. Knox to himself, looking 
 at Charity ; " truly Satan works with beautiful tools. She 
 is weeping. Perhaps she, also, is repentant." 
 
 " Madam," said he aloud, " are you one of the inmates 
 of this establishment ? " 
 
 "I am, sir," answered Charity. 
 
 " And do you never think of your artless and innocent 
 childhood, your happy past, before you had been taught 
 the deceit and wickedness of the world? Do you not 
 regret the life you lead here ? " 
 
 " Indeed I do, sir. I regret it bitterly." 
 
 " There is hope yet," said the reverend gentleman, " and 
 — pardon my inquisitiveness ; my motives are good — arc 
 you one of those who are — who are — connected with 
 Dr. Goodenough?" 
 
 " Yes, sir," answered Charity ; " I have no one here to 
 protect me, no one to love, but him." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 233 
 
 The Rev. Mr, Knox shook his head sadly, and said to 
 himself, " So young, so innocent-looking, and yet so de- 
 praved ! It is truly lamentable." 
 
 " And you, madam," said he, turning to Miss Griffin ; 
 " I presume you also are one of the unfortunates ? " 
 
 " Alas ! sir," answered Miss Minerva, " what woman is 
 not unfortunate ! It is her lot in life to be so." 
 
 " It is her own fault if she do not raise herself when 
 fallen." 
 
 " Ah ! sir, she should not be chided while society exists 
 as at present constituted." 
 
 " Have you no desire to change your present condition ? " 
 
 Miss Minerva blushed deeply, fixed he'r eyes on a but- 
 tercup, simpered, and answered with some confusion of 
 manner, — 
 
 " Woman must yield to her destiny, sir. She was not 
 created to exist alone ; and I shall not shrink from the 
 performance of any of the functions imposed upon mo 
 by my sex." 
 
 " I suppose that neither of you unhappy ones has 
 passed through the ceremony of marriage ? " 
 
 " Not yet," replied Miss Griffin, without raising her 
 eyes. 
 
 " Why, unhappy? " said Charity. " Marriage is now a 
 hateful word to me." 
 
 The minister looked aghast. " What brazen effront- 
 ery ! " he said to himself. " Truly, I am at the gates of a 
 new Sodom. But why skirmish at the outposts, when, 
 perhaps, the main work is accessible?" So without 
 another word he abruptly left the young ladies, and, 
 marching boldly up to the front door, rang the bell. 
 
 It happened that Mrs. Strongitharrn was at that 
 20* 
 
234 the rniLOSOPHEits of foufouville. 
 
 moment passing through the hall, and she opened the door 
 to the visitor. Her appearance confirmed the unfavor- 
 able impression that had already been made on his mind, 
 for her face was blotched with the marks of Miss Griffin's 
 nails, — induitable signs, as he interpreted them, of exces- 
 sive and long-continued debauchery, while he inferred 
 from her gay bloomer dress that she was the favorite 
 sultana of the harem, — the true scarlet lady of this mod- 
 ern Babylon. 
 
 "I am the sectarian clergyman of Foufouville," said 
 he, on being ushered into the presence of Dr. Goodenough, 
 " and have considered it a duty I owed to my parishioners, 
 to the whole coinniunit}'-, and to myself, to call upon you." 
 
 " I am delighted to see you, sir," answered the doctor, 
 rising and extending his hand, which, however, Mr. Knox 
 avoided touching. 
 
 " I labored for many years as a missionary among the 
 Feejee islanders," said he ; " but never in all my experi- 
 ence among those untutorod savages did I hear of such 
 enormities as have been reported to me as being commit- 
 ted by the people over whom you preside. Intemperance, 
 concupiscence, excesses in short, of every kind, are among 
 the charges that have been brought against you. I trust, 
 for the sake of human nature, that they have been greatly 
 overdrawn, and have desired to make a personal investi- 
 gation before deciding upon what ulterior measures to 
 adopt for the abolition of this crying social evil." 
 
 The doctor, who naturally supposed that allusion was 
 made to the occurrences related in the last chapter, and 
 which were still the burden of bis thoughts, answered as 
 follows, in a tone which would have indicated only sorrow 
 and vexation of spirit to any one whose mind was not pre- 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 235 
 
 occupied with a false impression, but which appeared to 
 the clergyman only an additional evidence of hardened 
 depravity. 
 
 " We must plead guilty to the charge, sir, but I did not 
 suppose that what took place within these walls was 
 known beyond them." 
 
 " It is known, sir," answered Mr. Knox, " and has 
 excited merited reprobation and indignation throughout 
 the community ; and I have considered it an obligation 
 incumbent on me, in consequence of my calling, to make 
 an effort — with the divine assistance — for your reforma- 
 tion. I am pained and surprised that an aged man like 
 yourself, whose white hairs denote that he should be pre- 
 paring for a better world, should countenance such mis- 
 doings." 
 
 " I think, my dear sir, that you are laboring under a 
 slight misapprehension," replied the doctor. " It is true 
 that, as the founder of this society, it is perhaps just that 
 I should be held in a measure responsible for the conduct 
 of the individuals composing it, and, whenever they have 
 shown symptoms of desiring to go astray, I have striven 
 hard to overcome the promptings of the flesh with the voice 
 of reason. I acknowledge with regret that my efforts 
 have been but partially successful, and the irregularities 
 that have lately marked the conduct of some of our 
 unworthy members have sorely tried my patience ; how- 
 ever, I am happy to be able to inform you that the chief 
 cause of our trouble has this day quitted the establish- 
 ment, while the one whose riotous proceedings have 
 doubtless been the immediate occasion of your visit 
 appears to be sincerely penitent." 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Knox sharply scrutinized the counte- 
 
23G the rniLOsornEns of foufoufille. 
 
 nance of Dr. Goodenough ; but lie could detect no indica- 
 tions of guile or deceit there. 
 
 " Your remarks embarrass me, sir," said he. " I per- 
 ceive that there must have been exaggerations, perhaps 
 actual fabrications, in the current rumors. Still I find it 
 diflicult to reconcile your language with what I have seen 
 and heard with my own eyes and ears. I met a young 
 woman at the gate, very fair to look upon, — in a physical 
 point of view, — whom I took the liberty of Questioning, 
 and who openly confessed her affection for you, whom she 
 looked up to as her protector." 
 
 "My daughter, of course," said Dr. Goodenough ; " and 
 I will mention that, had it not been for some untoward 
 circumstances, I should have called upon you this day to 
 ask 3'our good offices in the marriage ceremony two weeks 
 hence, when she is to be united to my co-laborer in the 
 cause of humanity, Professor Malpest." 
 
 " I am completely nonplussed," said Mr. Knox. 
 "Have you any objection, sir, toinforni me definitely of 
 the objects of your society ? " 
 
 " On the contrary, sir, I wish them made known to the 
 whole world," replied the doctor. " Here are five hundred 
 copies of our circular, together with our rules and regu- 
 lations. I will be glad if you will distribute them. We 
 endeavor to live up to them, as closely as our infirm na- 
 tures will permit ; but flesh is weak, and you should not be 
 surprised at the appearance of an occasional backslider." 
 The doctrines of the Harmonians and their stoical rules 
 of life did not meet with entire approval from the secta- 
 rian clergyman ; but they were so radically different, in 
 fact, so directly opposed to what he had been led to ex- 
 pect, that he could not forbear smiling. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OKFOUFOUVILLE. 237 
 
 " I regard all men as brothers," said the doctor ; "but 
 most of them are dwelling in darkness, and, what you 
 have been striving to accomplish for the Feejees, I am 
 endeavoring to do for all mankind." 
 
 " My dear sir," said the pastor of All Saints, " I must 
 ask your pardon for the unjust suspicions that induced me 
 to intrude upon you. But it is well I came, for truly the 
 good people hereabouts are laboring under a strange de- 
 lusion ; they have been singularly misinformed. There 
 is much that is commendable, and nothing that is positive- 
 ly objectionable, in the principles of your society. But 
 
 stop — I find nothing about any profession of faith. 
 
 May I take the liberty of asking your views on this sub- 
 ject, _ the most important of all, — for you know what 
 the blessed apostle says, < Many shall be called, but few 
 chosen.' " 
 
 " That, sir," said the doctor, " is the cardinal point of 
 
 my belief." 
 
 "Then, my dear friend, you are a true sectarian," 
 cried the minister, passing at once from the extreme of 
 mistrust to the extreme of confidence, and, in the revulsion 
 of his feelings, grasping the doctor cordially with both 
 hands. " The sectarian is the only true church." 
 
 Here there ensued a long discussion between the Eev. 
 Mr. Knox and Dr. Goodenough, on certain theological 
 doctrines ; a discussion, the manuscript report of which, 
 now lying on the table before us, covers no less than 
 twenty-five pages of foolscap. After long deliberation, 
 we have decided to omit it, partly because, unlike Foufou- 
 ites in general, we have a strong aversion to religious 
 polemics, and partly because to give it would serve 
 
238 THE miLOSOJjfEES OF fovfouville. 
 
 no other purpose than to amuse the profane. "We will 
 only state that, after arguing till a late hour, the dispute 
 became quite acrimonious, and each was more firmly con- 
 vinced than before that his own was the only orthodox 
 faith. The pastor of All Saints vehemently maintained 
 that none but sectarians could be saved, while the doctor 
 was equally positive that the only road to salvation lay 
 through Harmony Hall. The upholder of sectarianism re- 
 cited the ninety-nine articles of his creed, and, in support of 
 them, " piled Pelion upon Ossa," that is to say, Moses and 
 all the prophets on the evangelists and Maccabees, citing 
 chapters, verses, and half verses, in a manner which some- 
 times seemed like an imitation of Swift's famous " top- 
 knot come down." The doctor met him with argument 
 for argument, and prophecy for prophecy. St. Peter 
 was pitted against St. Paul ; St. Matthew against St. 
 Mark ; the Kings against the Judges ; Jeremiah against 
 Job. St. Origen and St. Augustine were brought up as 
 bottle-holders, to support their principals, and all the 
 ancient philosophers dragged in as witnesses. The doc- 
 tor quoted whole pages of Greek and Latin, while the 
 parson spouted Hebrew, and once, in the excitement of 
 the moment, Feejee. As their voices waxed louder and 
 louder, the favorable opinion they had formed of each 
 other grew smaller and smaller, till at last these two 
 worthy and Christian gentlemen appeared actually on the 
 point of coming to blows, when Professor Malpest happily 
 put an end to the wrangle, by entering the room and 
 announcing that supper was ready. 
 
 The doctor, who, though his spirits were greatly per- 
 turbed, was utterly incapable of harboring malice, cor- 
 dially invited his visitor to partake of his hospitality ; but 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 239 
 
 the conscientious missionary, who had dined more than 
 once with the King of the Cannibal Islands, positively 
 shrank from sitting at the same table with a brother man 
 who held such very erroneous and heretical opinions as 
 the founder of Harmonianism, whom he now believed 
 more firmly than ever was doomed to eternal hell-fire and 
 damnation. He excused himself with courtesy, however, 
 and left the house to keep his appointment at the church, 
 which, in the heat of discussion, he had entirely forgotten 
 to mention to Dr. Goodenough. 
 
24.0 THE PJIILOSOPJIEJiS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Some original Letters now first 'published; together with a 
 few Extracts from our Newspaper Files. 
 
 Thus far the interesting and invaluable journal of Miss 
 Griffin has served us as a guide, in following the fortuues 
 of the Harmonians. It was the skeleton — to use a fa- 
 vorite though frightful anatomical simile — on which, with 
 the assistance of other authorities, it was easy to build up 
 the body of our work. But now the charming ennuyee 
 leaves us, and we can no longer depend upon a daily 
 record of the sayings and doings at Harmony Hall to 
 give us an uninterrupted narrative. "Were we to attempt, 
 under these circumstances, to continue the historical 
 form, our story would be constantly broken by hiati, — a 
 sort of kangaroo method of proceeding, — jumping from 
 one event to another. We shall, therefore, adopt the 
 more simple and satisfactory plan of publishing our 
 original authorities ; leaving it to the imaginative reader 
 to draw his own conclusions, and to fill up the intervals 
 as best he may. 
 
 The following letter, although signed by Mr. P., ap- 
 pears to be in the handwriting of his wife, formerly Miss 
 Griffin, — 
 
 JOSErn PEEWIT, ESQ., TO MRS. ELIZABETH STRONGITHARM. 
 
 "Jersey City, May 23d, 1850. 
 
 " Madam, — Since you happily released me from the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 211 
 
 hateful copartnership that existed between us, I have 
 formed a matrimonial alliance, according to the forms 
 prescribed by the church (for a connection unsanctified 
 by those rites I regard as sinful), with one who can 
 appreciate the depth of my nature. 
 
 " My wife unites with me, in begging you to accept the 
 assurance of our distinguished consideration. 
 
 " J. Peewit." 
 
 We find the following marriage notice in several papers 
 of the month of May, — 
 
 " On the 22d .inst., by the Rev. Hieronymus Knox, 
 rector of All Saints, Foufouville, Mr; Joseph Peewit to 
 Miss Serena Minerva Griffin. No cards." 
 
 In the Jersey City "Palladium" of a later date, the 
 following appears, under the head of " City Items," — 
 
 "Singular Occurrence. — Yesterday afternoon about 
 five o'clock, as the usual crowd was pouring from the 
 ferry-boat, a masculine-looking woman, in bloomer cos- 
 tume, suddenly made a rush at an inoffensive-looking 
 man, crying, ' The wretch ! I've got him.' The gentleman, 
 on catching sight of the furious female, dropped his 
 carpet-bag and umbrella, and sought safety in flight. 
 The bloomer caught him by one of his coat-tails, but, by 
 a desperate effort, he succeeded in breaking away from 
 her grasp, leaving the torn remnant in her hands. He 
 then ran rapidly up the street, hotly pursued by the 
 woman. Our reporter, who happened providentially to 
 be on the spot in search of an item, impelled by a sense 
 21 
 
242 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 of duty to the public, followed after ; together with a 
 crowd of men, boys, and dogs, who joined in the chase, 
 shouting, hooting, yelling, and barking ; frightening re- 
 spectable citizens ; startling the police ; stampeding a 
 drove of cattle, to the astonishment and indignation of 
 the drovers ; and scattering a flock of geese in all direc- 
 tions. One goose flew clear across the river and alighted 
 on top of the mainmast of a clipper, greatly alarming an 
 ancient mariner in an adjoining canal-boat, who feared it 
 was an albatross. Another soared into the blue empyrean 
 till it was lost to sight, and has not yet come down. The 
 owner is about to sue the city for damages. Pursued and 
 pursuers rushed up A Street intoB Street ; through B Street 
 to C Avenue ; and down C Avenue, without halting, to Bel- 
 grave Square. They ran twice around the square, like 
 Hector and Achilles around the walls of Troy, then down 
 D Street and into a blind alley, where the ' fox who had 
 lost his tail ' (as some one unfeelingly called the shirtless 
 unfortunate) endeavored to escape, by jumping over 
 fences and cutting across back yards ; but his impetuous 
 huntress followed hard after, taking the fences in gallant 
 style, with the roaring rabble at her heels. Finally, after 
 doubling once or twice, the poor fellow took refuge in the 
 Communipaw Oyster House (where it seems he lives), 
 shutting and bolting the door in the face of his pursuer. 
 
 " A second female now popped her head out of one of 
 the upper windows, and began abusing the outsider in 
 unmeasured terms. Her vituperation was returned with 
 interest ; both parties being encouraged by the crowd, 
 with shouts and laughter and cries of, ' Go it, ole gal ! ' 
 ' Give it to her ! ' ' Lam her ag'in ! ' etc. 
 
 "Finally, the- lady in the window seized a pitcher of 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVYILLE. 243 
 
 water, and soused it over the head of the lady in the 
 street. At last policeman A. No. 1 came up, and 
 escorted the irate bloomer to the station house." 
 
 FROM THE SAME, OF THE NEXT DAY. 
 
 " Although we decline any responsibility for statements 
 made by our reporters, we give publicity to the following, 
 in justice to the aggrieved party. 
 
 "To the Editor of the J. C. Palladium: 
 
 " ' Sir,— Your grossly exaggerated account of a trans- 
 action between private parties, with which the public is 
 in no way concerned, would excite in me only indigna- 
 tion, were it not for the poltroonery shown in thus 
 traducing an unprotected female ; and I hereby warn you 
 that I shall cowhide your reporter (who was the greatest 
 goose of all) the first time I meet him. 
 
 Elizabeth Strongitharm.' " 
 
 U i 
 
 FROM THE SAME, OF THE SAME DAY. 
 
 "Lost. — Near the Canal-Street Ferry, a black leather 
 carpet-bag and blue cotton umbrella, containing a soiled 
 shirt and a pair of socks. Any person leaving the above 
 at the Communipaw Oyster House, will receive the thanks 
 of the owner and no questions asked." 
 
 FROM THE SAME, OF A LATER DATE. 
 
 " COURT OF rETTY SESSTOXSr JEFFRIES J. 
 
 " The People vs. Joseph Peewit. — The defendant in 
 this case was charged with bigamy, in having on, or about 
 
2ii the pniLOsornERs of foufouville. 
 
 the 22d of May, espoused a Miss Serena Minerva Griffin, 
 although he had a wife still living. The prosecution hav- 
 ing failed to furnish legal proof of the first marriage, 
 the case was dismissed with a warning from the judge to 
 the defendant, that it was only because he had not been 
 actually married to the complainant, that he had escaped 
 involving himself in a serious difficulty. Peewit, who 
 promised never to offend again, seemed quite astonished at 
 getting off. The decision was received with acclamations 
 by the spectators, — a manifestation that was promptly sup- 
 pressed by the presiding magistrate, with that stern sense 
 of judicial decorum that has ever characterized the 
 American bench. 
 
 For the people, the district attorney. For the defend- 
 ant, Messrs. Sharpe & Kean. 
 
 MISS GOODENOUGH TO ME. LEANDER LOVELL. 
 
 "H. II., May 25th. 
 
 " My own Leander, — Oh, how lonesome it is here with- 
 out you ! and then such dreadful goings-on, I can't bear 
 to tell you. That good-for-nothing Mr. Peewit has run 
 away with poor Miss Griffin. How can women be invei- 
 gled into doing such things ? As soon as Mrs. Strong- 
 itharm found it out, she started after them, and I pre- 
 sume will not return. 
 
 " This morning John Long and Mary Short gave warn- 
 ing. They are to be married on Thursday, and then set 
 up in the public line. Papa sent for John, and gave him 
 a long lecture. I happened to be in Miss Griffin's room 
 overhead when they were talking ; but I won't repeat 
 everything that papa said ; in fact I did not quite under- 
 stand it all, not even all that which was in English. 
 
THE PniLOSOPIMRS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 245 
 
 John said he wasn't a chicken ; though what he meant by it 
 I don't know, unless that he wouldn't be hen-pecked. 
 
 " Mary has just brought me your letter enclosed in an en- 
 velope addressed to her. How happy I am that you prom- 
 ise to write every day ! Yet have I cause for uneasiness, 
 for you know the two weeks are up on the 4th of June, 
 and that dreadful clay is drawing near ; but I rely upon 
 you. Please don't have anything more to do with that 
 hateful Mr. Longshanks, who wrote you that unfeeling 
 letter. Break off your partnership with him. What is 
 the use of business ? "We only want two or three thou- 
 sand a year to live on, and you can make that easily 
 enough in some other way. Adieu. 
 
 "Ever your own 
 
 " Cherry." 
 
 from the same to the same. 
 
 " Thursday. 
 
 "John and Mary are married and gone. They had a 
 dreadful scene in the morning, for Bridget, the cook, told 
 him Mary had been receiving letters every day from New 
 York ; so he suspected all sorts of naughty things, and be- 
 came furiously jealous, and threatened to kill her and 
 then commit suicide ; but I pacified him by telling him 
 the letters were for me, and then he dropped on his 
 knees and begged Mary's pardon, and kissed her hands, 
 and wanted to kiss me too, for he was almost beside him- 
 self, and laughed although tears were in his eyes, and the 
 cook cried and I cried ; so that altogether we had quite a 
 time. By-the-by, Professor Malpest was surprised at 
 so many letters coming for Mary, and this morning, as ill 
 luck would have it, he happened to come in just as she 
 21* 
 
246 the rnnosornEns of foufouville. 
 
 was handing mc your last, and gave me such a look, and 
 I felt the color come and go to my cheeks, and I know he 
 suspected something. Now that she is gone, enclose 
 your missives to Bridget O'Brien. I will tell her to hand 
 them to me unperccived. O Lenny ! it is painful to me to 
 deceive my father in this wa}' ; bul what can I do? Is it 
 a woman's duty to sacrifice the happiness of her life to a 
 parent's unreasonableness? Why do you write such 
 short notes? I don't think that ' business,' hateful ' busi- 
 ness,' is a valid excuse. Am I not of more importance 
 
 in your eyes than ' business ' ? " 
 
 "YourC." 
 
 FKOM THE SAME TO TIIE SAME. 
 
 "Saturday. 
 
 " I have not received aline since Mary Short left, three 
 days ago. O Lenny ! this is not kind. When Bridget 
 told me this morning she had nothing for me, I shut my- 
 self up in my room and had a good cry. Minerva (poor 
 thing!) alwaj^s said that men were unfeeling creatures ; 
 and I believe she was right. Now that so few are left 
 here, this great house seems like a ' banquet hall deserted,' 
 and as the professor has papa entirely to himself, his 
 influence over him seems to increase every day. Papa 
 has positively determined that — you know what — shall 
 take place on the 4th, Avhich is only a week from to-day. 
 I shudder, Lenny, but trust in you. Can you believe it, 
 but this morning he actually spoke to me harshly, and 
 called me ' pig-headed,' because I begged at least for a 
 postponement? A certain person persecutes me from 
 morning till night with his odious attentions. O 
 Lenny ! do not keep me any longer in suspense. Write 
 immediately on receipt of this. " C." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHEBS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 247 
 
 FROM THE SAME TO TIIE SAME, 
 
 " Sunday. 
 
 " Why do you keep me in this dreadful state of suspense ? 
 It is eighty-nine hours and a half (89 J) since I received 
 your last note. This is cruel. Papa's infatuation for 
 you know who grows upon him, and he is now almost un- 
 kind in his manner towards me. I feel as if there was no 
 one in the world who loved me, but you, — and you, too, 
 seem to have deserted me. Your neglect is very, very 
 painful to me. Truly, as Minerva said, — woman's lot is 
 an unhappy one. 
 
 " If you don't write to me soon, I don't know what I 
 shall do. " C. G." 
 
 FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. 
 
 " Wednesday. 
 "Dearest Leander, — Your cruel silence is more 
 than I can bear. Oh ! it gives rise to such dreadful 
 suspicions ! I cannot bear to dwell upon them. He tells 
 me it is clear you have found some other Cherry, and your 
 continued neglect seems to verify his words. I feel as if 
 my heart would break. " C." 
 
 FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. 
 
 "June 2d. 
 "Sir, — It is now a week since you have deigned to 
 write to me. This atrocious conduct proves too clearly 
 that you have ceased to care for me. Some other and 
 fairer form has usurped my place in your volatile heart. 
 You are unworthy of the love of a true woman ; but, thank 
 Heaven! my eyes have been opened in time, before my 
 feelings had become too deeply engaged ; and now, sir, 
 
248 the rniLOSornEns of foufouville. 
 
 your indifference is only equalled by mine, and I hereby 
 release j'ou from an engagement that could only be con- 
 ducive to unhappiness, since mutual affection is wanting." 
 
 " Charity Goodenough. 
 " O Lcander ! I did not expect this from you." 
 
 LEAXDER LOVELL, ESQ., TO RICHARD LOXGSHANKS, ESQ. 
 
 "Hotel of the Metropolis. 
 
 " Half-past 11 o'clock, A. m., June 3d. 
 
 "Dear Dick, — Quit all business and come to me 
 immediately. This is urgent and most important. Al- 
 though I have written regularly once a day and some- 
 times twice, she has failed to receive my letters for at 
 least a week. The postmaster of the city told me it 
 could not be the fault of his department ; so I have tele- 
 graphed to the postmaster-general at Washington. There 
 is a dark mystery somewhere. If that villain is at the 
 bottom of it, he shall find that he has roused the slumber- 
 ing lion, who will prove a thorn in his side, which will 
 make him drink the cup of bitterness to the very dregs. 
 
 " Richard, my friend, she has broken off our engage- 
 ment, and I am miserable, for I have loved her. Oh, how 
 I have loved her ! and this evidence of the lightness of her 
 character seems only to increase my passion. With 
 that fickle sex it is ' Out of -sight, out of mind ; ' but no, 
 she was right. Had she not just cause to suppose I had 
 ceased to love ? I am incensed at myself for having blamed 
 her. To-morrow is the day, — the fatal day fixed by her 
 father. There is no time to lose. We must take decided 
 measures. Richard Longshanks, give up all and come 
 to the hotel without delay, on receipt of this. If I fail 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOTJFOUVILLE . 249 
 
 to obtain her there will be no joy for me henceforth in 
 life. » In haste. 
 
 " L. L." 
 
 RICHARD LONGSHANKS, ESQ., TO LEANDER LOVELL, ESQ. 
 
 " 1 o'clock. 
 
 "DearLen, — Your note reached me about an hour 
 ago, just as I was sitting clown to lunch at Gudgeon's (by 
 the way, that's the place for mock-turtle). There is no 
 hurry, since the marriage is not to take place till to-mor- 
 row, and we can drive down there in a couple of hours. 
 
 " I will dine with you at six o'clock, and we will dis- 
 cuss the matter calmly over our wine and cigars. 
 
 "E. L. 
 
 " P. S. — I would like to try you at chess again this 
 evening." 
 
 MISS GOODENOUGH TO MR. LEANDER LOVELL. 
 
 "June 3d. 
 " My own dearest Lennt, — Coine to me at once — the 
 whole secret is out. Oh, how hasty I was ! — how I have 
 wronged you ! To think of that vile thing, Bridget, giving 
 your letters to Professor Malpest as fast as she received 
 them. Oh, the wicked, good-for-nothing traitress ! — and 
 then to think of the duplicity of that dark villain of a 
 professor, to keep telling me that since you did not write 
 to me it was evident you had ceased to love me — and 
 your dear letters in his coat-pocket all the time. Why 
 did I listen to him ? How could I believe you false ? I 
 am so overcome that I hardly know what I write. I 
 dread to tell you the rest, and yet I must. 
 
250 TEE FHILOSOrnEIlS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 "Believing (credulous that I was) the insinuations of 
 that perfidious man, that you were not true to me, that 
 you had found some other Cherry more attractive than 
 my poor self, I weakly yielded to the solicitations, or 
 rather the commands, of my father ; and, supposing our 
 engagement to be at an end, and feeling by turns indig- 
 nant or utterly prostrated in spirit (wretched girl that I 
 am !) I reluctantly consented to marry that false, unprin- 
 cipled deceiver. He wanted the ceremony to take place 
 immediately, but I insisted on postponing it until the 
 day previously decided on by papa, which gives me thirty- 
 six hours' grace from this time, — for six o'clock to-mor- 
 row afternoon is the appointed hour. 
 
 " When Bridget perceived my grief at my impending 
 calamity, she attributed it entirely to my not receiving 
 the letters (for she did not know of my — Ugh ! I 
 shudder to think of it), and she stole up to my room, 
 where I Avas almost crying my eyes out, and confessed 
 what she had done. I reproached her bitterly for her 
 double-dealing, and asked her how she could do such a 
 thing ; and then she began to sob, and hung down her 
 head, and said my trouble was nothing to hers ; and then 
 she gave mysterious hints, and went on in a very strange 
 manner ; but I could not make out what she was driving 
 at, for the only intelligible thing she said was, ' Sure, 
 miss, I niver dhramed you would take it so barred.' As 
 soon as she left me, I went straight to the professor and 
 demanded the letters. He at first prevaricated about 
 them ; but when I informed him that Bridget had told me 
 all, he turned pale and actually seemed to grow weak in 
 the knees, which proves that even the greatest of criminals 
 can be ashamed of his wicked deeds. Then he said he 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 251 
 
 had burnt them ; but this proved to be a deliberate false- 
 hood, for immediately afterwards he showed them all to 
 my father, who became violently excited against me, and 
 said they were a physiological proof that I ought to be 
 married without delay. 
 
 " The professor afterwards had a grand scene with 
 Biddy. I suppose he was reproving her for informing 
 against him ; but she is a girl of spirit, and answered him 
 back, but I did not hear what she said. 
 
 " Lenny, come to me instantly, or I shall do something 
 desperate. 
 
 " Your own, own 
 
 " Cherry. 
 
 "P. S. — Bear in mind that I don't know a word of 
 what was in your letters, excepting what papa told me, 
 and that was nothing. * 
 
 " I shall watch for you all day long, to-morrow. 
 
 " Was there ever in the wide world such an unlucky 
 girl as I am ? — engaged to two at once ! " 
 
 MESSRS. SHARPE & KEAN TO LEANDER LOVELL, ESQ. 
 
 " Wall Street, June 3d, 1850. 
 
 " Dear Sir, — We have the pleasure of informing you 
 that the investigations, instituted under your instructions 
 of the 23d ult., have resulted most happily ; for we have 
 obtained indubitable evidence that Malpest has defrauded 
 Dr. Gooclenough out of sums of sufficient magnitude to 
 insure his conviction of grand larceny. 
 
 " On comparing the copies of his vouchers, furnished 
 us by you, with the books of Messrs. Grubb & Co- } gon- 
 
252 THE PniLOSOMERS OF FOUFOUFILLE. 
 
 eral provision dealers, it was found that either the figures 
 in his receipts had been altered, or, what is more prob- 
 able, that the entire originals were forgeries, — that firm 
 not having received the sums alleged as having been 
 receipted for. To specify, wc subjoin a copy from the 
 entries in the ledger of sales to the said Malpest, as fiscal 
 agent for the Society of Harmonians, which, compared 
 with the vouchers, shows a difference in his favor of 225 
 T V ff dollars." 
 
 [Here follow the items from the ledger of Grubb & Co.] 
 
 " An examination of the books of Messrs. "Weevil Bros., 
 flour merchants, Kane & Co., sugar dealers, and Rice & 
 Curry, wholesale grocers, revealed similar, though more 
 extensive, frauds. 
 
 "We have also put ourselves in communication with 
 Palladio Styles, Esq., the architect, and, from the devel- 
 opments already come to light, have reason to believe 
 that the peculations of Malpest will be found to have 
 commenced with the very foundation of the benevolent 
 institution of Dr. Goodenough. 
 
 " The proper course for you to pursue is, to confer with 
 the District Attorney, who will issue a warrant for the 
 arrest of the guilty party. 
 
 " In regard to Dr. Goodenough, we regret to say that 
 we do not think the facts, as presented to us, in relation 
 to that gentleman, are quite sufficient to prove him to be 
 non compos mentis, and consequently we cannot conscien- 
 tiously advise you to apply for a writ de lunatico in- 
 quirendo. 
 
 " If you have reason to believe that the young lady is 
 restrained of her liberty against her will, and she is of 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUTILLE. 253 
 
 age, the matter can Tbe judicially investigated under the 
 habeas corpus act. 
 
 " Kespectfully, your obedient servants, 
 
 "Shakpe &Kean." 
 22 
 
254 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 In which the Virtuous are rewarded, and the Wicked 
 punished. 
 
 On the 4th day of June, 1850, two cavaliers were seen 
 ascending a hill. It was a lovely afternoon. The tender 
 buds, incipient leaves, were sprouting forth on the 
 branches of all the trees, harbingers of the dense foliage 
 of summer ; nature's soft carpet (in some places in grain), 
 beautifully variegated with daisies, buttercups, and other 
 floral ornaments, covered with its soft verdure the face of 
 the landscape, while birds of varied plumage were heard 
 carolling their epitbalamiums in the boughs overhead, 
 or seen bringing dry twigs, with which to build the nup- 
 tial couch. Did the scene of our story lay in Arcadia, in 
 the early age of Iron and Innocence, we should add that 
 lambs were skipping on every hill-side, shepherds, with 
 blue silk ribbons in their hats (if it was a stage Arcadia), 
 piping their impassioned strains to beautiful shepherd- 
 esses, in red rosettes, and the sparkling waters, trickling 
 from the dissolving snows of Taygetus flowing in bub- 
 bling brooks and purling streams to swell the volume of the 
 classic Alpheus, while the king of birds perched on top of 
 Acro-Corinthus was looking down from his eyrie in search 
 of something to eat. But, alas, for romance ! The incident 
 of which we are speaking occurred in this prosaic nineteenth 
 century, in the sterile State of New Jersey. So, instead 
 of Strephons and Chloes, the sturdy farmer was seen 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 255 
 
 ploughing his weary way through eighteen inches of sand 
 and mud (for he was a sub-soiler, though not a free-soil- 
 er), anon scowling and swearing at his raw-boned Rosi- 
 nante, anon smiling serenely as his mental vision took in. 
 future acres of cabbages ; while his homely housewife, 
 with bare arms and frock tucked up to her waist, display- 
 ing her many-colored balmoral, was busy in the dairy 
 making Dutch cheese. The shrill voice of chanticleer, 
 crowing defiance to his haughty rivals, was echoed in all 
 directions, while the feathered inmates of his harem 
 cackled joyously over new-laid eggs, feeling as happy as 
 a poet who had just been delivered of a new idea, a lay 
 of love, which might perhaps develop itself into a full- 
 grown volume, and eventually bring him golden eggs — 
 unless killed by the cold hand of criticism. From a 
 neighboring marsh, the frog, degenerate descendant of 
 the antediluvian labyrinthodon, croaked an accompani- 
 ment to legions of crows, who were flying northward and 
 cawing hoarsely in their flight. All nature seemed to be 
 singing a song of welcome at the coming of summer, the 
 scale of the unmusical gamut being crowned by the steam 
 whistle of Old Buck, the locomotive of the Camden and 
 Amboy Railroad, which gave a series of shrieks that 
 would have startled the American eagle, if that game 
 bird could be alarmed by empty noise. 
 
 We used the term " cavaliers" in a metaphorical sense, 
 for our two heroes were not on horseback, but were driv- 
 ing in a buggy. The mud with which their vehicle and 
 their persons were liberally bespattered, and the jaded 
 appearance of their steed, showed that they had come a 
 considerable distance. In fact they had driven from 
 New York. The superficial observer might have mistaken 
 
256 tiie rniLOSOPiiERS of foufoutille. 
 
 them for a couple of itinerant fortune-seekers, for, in the 
 front part of the wagon, there was a hand-organ, while a 
 pedlar's pack was strapped behind the seat ; but he who 
 scrutinized them more closely would have seen in the re- 
 fined features and delicate hands of the younger traveller 
 the tokens of gentle blood, while the air and manner 
 of the older of the two, who seemed fond of handling and 
 jingling the silver coins in his pocket, showed the true 
 man of the world, — that is to say, the world of Wall 
 Street. 
 
 " Whip him up, Dick ! make him go ! " cried the younger, 
 impatiently. " It seems to me we crawl." 
 
 " Crawl ! " answered the other. " Why, we've been 
 crawling fifteen miles an hour, since leaving the ferry. 
 There is no hurry, Lenny, my boy, for it is not yet four 
 o'clock." 
 
 "Ha! there it is," exclaimed the one addressed as 
 Lenny, on reaching the top of a hill, pointing to a large 
 building in the vale below. " Those walls contain all 
 that I prize on earth. Perhaps at this moment she 
 is waiting for me, and could see the dust that we would 
 raise, if there was any. Poor Cherry, she has no sister 
 Anne to keep her company ! Even Biddy, the cook, is 
 false. But her Leander is true. As to that scoundrel — 
 may my right arm be with — " 
 
 " Now Lenny Lovell, just keep cool," said Dick, whom 
 the intelligent reader has of course recognized as Mr. 
 Longshanks, and who now sprang from the wagon, 
 tied the horse to a tree, and a nose-bag of oats to his 
 head. 
 
 " Cool ! " answered Lovell, " I am perfectly cool, and 
 if I catch the fellow I'll thrash him within an inch of his 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 257 
 
 life, — the contemptible miscreant ! Do hnrry up. You 
 move like a snail. I want to be off." 
 
 " Listen to me," replied Longshanks, lighting a cigar. 
 " If you enter the premises you will be certain to kick 
 up a rumpus, for, disguised as you may be, your voice 
 will betray you, the young lady will scream, perhaps she'll 
 faint, or you will pitch into Malpest, and all will be up. 
 Old Goodenough will take the alarm, and make her marry 
 the fellow instanter." 
 
 " She would not do it." 
 
 "Perhaps not ; but I never like to trust to lack. The 
 better plan is for me to assume the pack (for the doctor 
 is the only one who knows me), and go on a reconnois- 
 sance. If possible I shall obtain an interview with the 
 fair one, and arrange the programme for your meeting. 
 By the way, I hope you've made arrangements with u 
 parson ? " 
 
 " Yes," answered Lovell, " and Peewit, at his particu- 
 lar request, is to give the bride away. I did the same for 
 him, and one good turn deserves another." 
 
 "It was Peewit, not the Griffin, you should have given 
 away." 
 
 "Is this a time to joke? I agree to your project, 
 but insist on going with you." 
 
 " If you will do it," replied Longshanks, " take the 
 hand-organ, my gay and gallant troubadour ; but I charge 
 you not to follow me into the house. I will return and 
 let you know what is to be done. Then I shall go to the 
 village, where the sheriff is to meet me, and while you 
 are borne in the buggy on the wings of love, I shall 
 spring the trap. Give me your love-letter ; it requires no 
 answer, I believe ; and help me on with these things." 
 22* 
 
258 the pnnosopnERS of foufoutille. 
 
 " How heavy this confounded hand-organ is ! " said 
 Lovell, as they started for Harmony Hall. " It will twist 
 my shoulders off." 
 
 " This plaguy pack almost breaks my back," answered 
 Longshanks, trudging along with difficulty under his 
 burden. 
 
 While our two paladins were tramping towards Har- 
 mony Hall, Dr. Goodenough was sitting in his study 
 reading some letters just received by mail. Among them 
 was the following from Prof. Gummp. 
 
 PROF. GUMMP, OF LEIPSIC, TO DR. JONATHAN GOODENOUGH. 
 
 " Respected Friend, — Accept my congratulations on 
 the triumphant success of your most worthy enterprise. 
 The great American people have conferred new obligations 
 on the rest of mankind. 
 
 " I am sorry to say that my translation of that elevated 
 work, the New Utopia, does not seem to be appreciated by 
 the German intellect, and its publication has subjected 
 me to a pecuniary loss. It is too profound in thought, 
 and its sentiments are too lofty for the materialistic mind 
 of the present day ; but the time will come when its super- 
 lative merits will be understood, — a time when practical 
 realism shall give place to speculative idealism, when 
 man, no longer anthropopathical, shall contemplate the 
 metaphysical harmonies of the soul, and, ceasing to ingur- 
 gitate the biological philosophy of the present, shall reject 
 amphibological physianthropics and exist in his sphere ac- 
 cording to the preordained universal laws of androgynal 
 asthetics. " Your brother in Progress, 
 
 " Gummp." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 259 
 
 Professor Malpest was in his room, dyeing and friz- 
 zling his hair, cleaning his false teeth, washing his face 
 with cream, pulling out superfluous hairs with a tweezer, 
 and dressing himself in the customary costume of a bride- 
 groom. 
 
 In the kitchen, Biddy the cook was scrubbing the 
 floor and muttering to herself as she worked. " Sure and 
 what does he mane by a sittlement?" said she. "Be 
 jabers, there is only one sittlement will contint the daugh- 
 ter of Pathrick O'Brien. And what for did he want to 
 sind me off to the city this day? I misthrust there's some 
 diviltry up, ochone ! But ' it's an ill wind that blows no- 
 body no good ! ' If it's me young mistress he's a-decavin' 
 too, by the howly Virrgin ! but it's to the ould docther 
 himsilf I'll confess — I will." 
 
 Her meditations were interrupted by the discordant 
 strains of the most out-of-tune hand-organ ever ground in 
 public. Biddy was not in the best of humors, and the 
 jarring sounds grated disagreeably on her nerves. 
 
 "Be off with you," she cried, going to the door, — " be 
 off with you, with your ould dog Thray ; sure we've 
 throubles enough of our own without listening to those 
 of a baste." 
 
 " Don't speak so harshly to the poor man," said Charity, 
 who was sitting in her window, as she tossed a shilling to 
 Bridget. " Give him this trifle, and if you don't like his 
 music, tell him he need not play any more." 
 
 Biddy threw the money at the organ-grinder, and 
 noticed as she again ordered him away that he was most 
 shabbily dressed, had a large black patch over one eye, 
 and his slouched hat drawn down over the other as if he 
 were ashamed to show his face ; in fact, little of it could be 
 
2C0 the rniLOsor/iEns of foufouville. 
 
 seen excepting a beard and mustache that would have 
 done honor to the most ferocious of bandits. 
 
 The musician picked up the silver coin, and, kissing it, 
 put it in his pocket. He stopped turning his forlorn in- 
 strument, but instead of going away sat down on a stump, 
 being apparently very much fatigued. 
 
 The cook resumed her work and her soliloquy, 
 
 " He'll make it right, will he indade ? " said she, " when 
 sure it's only the praste himself can do that same. Brid- 
 get O'Brien was never born to be a cookin' and scrubbin' 
 all her life like me poor ould mother in Mullygatawny. 
 "Why should I be slavin' down here while Miss Charity — 
 but no harruin to her, for she's a swate young crater — sits 
 a mopin' and a rnopin' upstairs doing nothing at all at all. 
 Aint me father's daughter as good as she and perhaps a 
 dalebetther?" 
 
 Her reflections were again interrupted. This time it 
 was by a peddler. If Joseph's coat of many colors had 
 been worn by all his descendants, and been patched and 
 repatched by successive generations down to the present 
 time, it could not have looked worse than the garment 
 which had fallen to the lot of that peddler, and his whole 
 costume was in keeping with it ; he looked, in short, like a 
 living embodiment of "Old Clo." By a strange coinci- 
 dence he also had a black patch over one eye, and the 
 lower part of his face was concealed by a muffler, as if he 
 were suffering from the toothache. 
 
 "Any pins, needles, thimbles, scissors, thread?" said 
 he, deliberately walking in and setting his pack down on 
 the kitchen floor. 
 
 " Go long wid yez," said Biddy ; " I don't want noth- 
 ing to do with you, nor any of your tribe." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 2G1 
 
 " Here are some beautiful rings, breastpins, bracelets ; 
 smuggled in," continued the persistent peddler with a wink. 
 " Got to sell 'em to reduce stock. Have 'em cheap." 
 
 " I tell yez I don't want nothing," said Biddy ; but her 
 eyes betrayed her tongue, for she seemed unable to raise 
 them from an enormous pinchbeck brooch containing 
 twenty-seven pieces of different-colored glass. 
 
 " This is an elegant jewel," said the peddler, holding 
 up the glittering bauble, — "the latest style, quite the 
 fashion, all the rage, just like the one Queen Victoria wore 
 at her coronation." 
 
 " Sure and it is a beauty," said Biddy ; " but how can 
 I buy it when I haven't niver a cint of money? " 
 
 " No money ? " replied the peddler. " Well, then, sup- 
 pose I tell you a way of getting this matchless, magnif- 
 icent, superb, superfine work of art without paying a 
 penny ? " 
 
 " It's a-jokin' ye are," said Biddy, as her dyes sparkled. 
 
 " No, I mean what I say. Are there not other ladies 
 in the house ? " 
 
 " None but Miss Cherry, — a swate gurrl as ever lived ; 
 but she won't come down, for she's got the megrims like, 
 and kapes herself shut up in her room all the day long 
 a-sobbin' and a-cryin' as if her heart would break — poor 
 thing ! I suspicion there's a young man summus about, 
 and he's played her false, for they are decavin' critters 
 are the man forninst us women-folks." 
 
 The peddler held the brooch up to the window so that 
 the bits of glass sparkled and flashed in the sunlight. 
 
 " Possibly," said he, " your young mistress may be 
 induced to purchase some of my .valuable wares ; so just 
 listen to me. If you will take this wax flower to her, and 
 
262 the rnnosornERS of foufovville. 
 
 ask her to examine it well, she may buy it ; but, mark ! 
 don't show it to anybody else ; and mind ! tell her that a 
 peddler is here with letter-paper and envelopes. Do that, 
 and this gorgeous jewel, which formed part of the loot of 
 Delhi, where it was the principal ornament in the famous 
 peacock's throne of Aurungzebee, who captured it in battle 
 from Genghis Khan, who stole it from the Emperor of 
 China, — this unique gem shall be yours." 
 
 Biddy did not wait to be bidden a second time, but, 
 snatching the wax flower, she bounced out of the kitchen, 
 her hoops in her heedlessness catching in her pail, upset- 
 ting it and spilling the dirty water over the floor, com- 
 pletely saturating the unlucky peddler, who happened to 
 be sitting within a foot of it. She ran upstairs and into 
 Miss Charity's room without knocking, for, in her eager- 
 ness to possess th e showy prize, she did not think of the 
 dignity and politeness which should ever be found in the 
 descendants of Brian-Boru. 
 
 Charity was sitting by her window, watching and weep- 
 ing, for the wedding day, so joyfully anticipated by 
 most young maidens, brought no visions of happiness to 
 her. 
 
 " Why does that grizzly organ-grinder sit staring at 
 me from the stump with his hideous one eye ? " she said 
 to herself. "He has doubtless his sorrows, poor man; 
 but what are they to mine, alas ! Perhaps even he is ca- 
 pable of love ; perhaps there are those who nave loved 
 him. He is again kissing the mite I gave him. Why 
 did I not send him more ? " 
 
 " Ah ! miss," exclaimed Bridget ; " there's such a nice- 
 spoken gintleman downstairs, with such beautiful things 
 to sell, and a black patch over his eye." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 263 
 
 " I want nothing that he can give," answered Charit}\ 
 " If he is hungry, offer him food." 
 
 " He asked me to show you this jewel of a flower, miss. 
 You might fancy it, for it's a rare plant." 
 
 "I care no longer for flowers, nor for anything. 
 Leave me." 
 
 " And he has leather-paper and invilopes, mum," said 
 Biddy, who would not be rebuffed. 
 
 Charity had mechanically glanced at the flower. Sud- 
 denly she started. 
 
 " It is — it is — an oleander. O leander ! " she cried, 
 clasping her hands together. Then (for even the most 
 artless of women are more or less ruse) she thought of 
 the perfidious cook, and said with assumed calmness, — 
 
 " This is my favorite flower. I will look over the man's 
 stock. Perhaps I will take some letter-paper." 
 
 Miss Charity descended into the kitchen, her face suf- 
 fused with smiles and blushes ; but, on seeing the peddler, 
 she turned pale and started back. She had expected to 
 meet Lovell. Mr. Longshanks she did not recognize, for 
 she had seen him only once before, and that was in the 
 evening. 
 
 " The original of this rare flower is not far off, miss, 
 and here are pins and needles — (my name is Long- 
 shanks)," — said he, speaking alternately aloud, or in a 
 whisper, according as what he said was meant for the ears 
 of Miss Charity or of Biddy. 
 
 " Here," said he, " are was figures of all kinds. 
 Here's Gen'l Washington (that's him sitting on the 
 stump), and a bust of Napoleon (all mustaches and whisk- 
 ers), and Julius Caesar (with a hand-organ) ; and here are 
 fine-tooth combs (we've got a carriage), all ivory, and 
 
264 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 
 
 coarse ones, real tortoise-shell, — no mock-turtle here, — 
 (but it's only a buggy), and jews-harps, penny-whistles, 
 pictures of Cupid (what shall I tell him), and here are 
 envelopes too, and letter-paper." 
 
 As he spoke, he ran his finger over the edge of a 
 package of envelopes, causing them to diverge so that 
 the young lady saw her name written on one of them. 
 
 " Won't you buy them (and meet him on top of the 
 hill) ? " 
 
 " Yes, yes," answered Charity. " How much are they ? " 
 
 "How much! Let me think. (At what hour ?) I 
 usually get five or six shillings for them. Suppose we say 
 five and a half ? Does that suit you? Five and a half! " 
 
 "Yes, — I agree to it, — Jive and a half," said Miss 
 Charit}', taking the package and handing a dollar bill to 
 Lougshanks. 
 
 " Five and a half (on top of the hill)," said he, giving 
 the young lady a dollar in small change, and handing 
 Biddy the brooch of Genghis Khan. 
 
 Professor Malpest now came into the kitchen, dressed 
 to perfection, and, giving a sharp look at the peddler, or- 
 dered him to leave. 
 
 " I'll have no swindling tramps in my house," said he ; 
 " off with you." 
 
 Longshanks having satisfactorily finished his negotia- 
 tion, prepared to obey, when the professor, encouraged 
 by his apparent meekness, rudely pushed him by the 
 shoulders to accelerate his exit. Like a flash the false 
 peddler turned and struck him a stunning blow with his 
 fist, between the eyes that fairly made him reel, following 
 it up with a left-hander on the nose, that caused the blood 
 to spirt out over his white waistcoat, and to trickle over 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 265 
 
 his spotless cravat and -well-starched shirt-bosom. Chari- 
 ty screamed, Biddy yelled " bloody murther," and the re- 
 cipient of the castigation, clapping his hands over his 
 face, fled from the kitchen. The doctor, disturbed by the 
 outcry, came hurrying in to see what was the matter ; but 
 the instant Longshanks caught sight of him he dropped 
 his pack, scattering its contents around in miscellaneous 
 confusion, and, darting out of the door, ran up the road as 
 fast as he could go. He could not have run faster had 
 the doctor been pursuing him with a legion of Greeks 
 and Eomans. The organ-grinder, impatient to receive 
 intelligence of his beloved, followed hard after him, leav- 
 ing his instrument in the middle of the road. Longshanks 
 did not stop until, quite out of breath, he reached the top 
 of the hill. When Leander at last caught up with him, 
 he was so full of laughter that it was five minutes before 
 the impatient lover could get an intelligible word out of 
 him as to the result of his adventure. While they were 
 throwing off the toggery that concealed their ordinary 
 habiliments, he told Leander of the arrangement made 
 with Charity. 
 
 In the mean time Professor Malpest, with battered 
 visage and soiled garments, slunk crestfallen to his room, 
 astounded at the impudence and audacity of a beggarly 
 peddler. 
 
 The doctor led Charity into his study, and, after a long 
 and learned preamble, which we will not inflict on the 
 reader, informed her that the clergyman would soon 
 arrive to unite her in the holy bonds of matrimony, to 
 that exemplary and upright man, brother Nicholas Mal- 
 pest, and he hoped that she was quite prepared for the 
 ceremony. Miss Charity, with a dissimulation of which 
 
 23 
 
2GG tiijs rniLOsornEiis of foufouville. 
 
 no one would have supposed her capable, had she not 
 given such a striking and lamentable proof of it on this 
 occasion, answered that she " would consent to be married 
 that night." 
 
 Her father, joyous at this evidence of filial obedience, 
 pressed her to his heart. Her tears flowed fast ; and we 
 regard these evidences of sorrow as having been highly 
 creditable to her, for they were doubtless caused by some 
 compunctions of conscience at the deceit of which she 
 was guilty towards her parent. Is there not a lesson in 
 this to old and young ? "We are not much given to moral- 
 izing, — it is tedious to the author and a bore to the 
 reader, — but we will observe here, that this conduct of 
 Charity Goodenough proves that in misfortune evil 
 thoughts will come to us in spite of ourselves, thoughts 
 of which in happiness we never would have deemed our- 
 selves capable. What virtue is there in apparent good- 
 ness which has never been tried ? The false may be as 
 fair to look upon as the real ; it is only when weighed in 
 the balance that it is found wanting. We do not mean 
 to insinuate by this that our heroine was less perfect than 
 young ladies in general. Artless maiden, openly engaged 
 to the man of your choice, chide not poor Cherry for mis- 
 conduct, of which you j T ourself would doubtless have been 
 guilty, had you been subjected to the same temptation. 
 Good young man, shake not your head and say you 
 " would not want such a deceitful girl." Suppose you 
 were iu the place of Leander Lovell. Ah ! that would 
 make a difference, — would it not? Prim mother of a 
 family, solemn pater familias, you will have read this 
 book in vain if — but enough ; not wanting the reader to 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 267 
 
 skip that which it gives us trouble to write, we will ser- 
 monize no more. 
 
 On leaving her father, Charity hied to her room, hastily 
 wrote some lines on a sheet of paper, and, putting a few 
 articles of apparel in her satchel, stole softly downstairs, 
 passed out of the house by the back door, and, escaping 
 through the garden, met her anxious and impatient lover 
 at the appointed try sting-place. They were soon speed- 
 ing at a rapid rate towards the altar of Hymen. 
 
 At six o'clock, the Rev. Hieronymus Knox made his 
 appearance at Harmony Hall ; and at the same time Pro- 
 fessor Malpest emerged from his room, wearing an 
 expression of complete satisfaction, and apparently much 
 in love — with himself, notwithstanding the piece of 
 court-plaster on his nose. The professor, the doctor, and 
 the minister entered the reception room. But the bride, 
 where was she ? The doctor was about to go in search 
 of her, when the sound of approaching footsteps was 
 heard ; the door was thrown wide open by Biddy, and 
 Richard Longshanks, Esq., whom the professor instantly 
 recognized as the quondam peddler, walked into the room 
 accompanied by two constables. 
 
 " I have a warrant fpr the arrest of this man," said he, 
 laying his hand on the shoulder of the professor, who 
 turned pale from the terror of conscious guilt. 
 
 " What for — what — what for? " he asked, with quiv- 
 ering lips. 
 
 " For forgery," answered Longshanks. " For forging 
 the names of Grubb & Co., Weevil Bros., Rice & Curry, 
 Palladio Styles, and others, to certain false receipts, and 
 thus defrauding Dr. Goodenough out of considerable sums 
 of money." 
 
268 the rnnosopnERs of foufouville. 
 
 " What can this mean? " asked the doctor. 
 
 " It means, sir," replied Longshanks, " that this thiev- 
 ing knave has inveigled you into this Foufouville folly in 
 order to rob you at his leisure ; and, by obtaining the 
 hand of your daughter, to eventually get possession of all 
 your property." 
 
 "It cannot be possible," said the doctor. "Brother 
 Nicholas guilty of dishonesty ! It is all an error." 
 
 Malpest, who had partially recovered his presence of 
 mind, turned to Longshanks, and, in a low tone of voice, 
 proposed to compromise the matter, offering him money, 
 and adding, " As to the girl, she can go." 
 
 "Despicable scoundrel ! do j t ou judge others by your- 
 self? " answered Longshanks. " You cannot bribe 
 me." 
 
 " Bribe ! " exclaimed the doctor. " Can it be true? I 
 am dumfounded." 
 
 Then suddenly seized with indignation, he grabbed 
 Malpest by the collar, and shook him as a cat would 
 shake a mouse. The miserable wretch, who in his en- 
 counter with the peddler had shown himself a still greater 
 coward even than scoundrel, dropped on his knees and 
 begged piteously for mercy. 
 
 "Drag him away ! drag him away ! off with him ! " cried 
 the doctor. "Will wonders never cease? What will 
 happen next? I am overwhelmed." 
 
 A constable now stepped forward with his handcuffs, 
 and was about to fix them on Malpest' s wrists, when 
 Biddy, who had stood peeping at the procedings through 
 the half-open door, rushed in, exclaiming, — 
 
 "Ah! the doubly decavin' villain, but he's cotched 
 in his own trap, he is, by the howly St. Patrick. But ye'll 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 269 
 
 not take him away at all, at all, till he's made an honest 
 woman of me." 
 
 " What do you mean, what do you mean, Biddy? " in- 
 quired Longshanks. 
 
 "And what do I mane, is it? Sure what I mane is 
 that I'm a'most three months gone already ; bad luck to 
 him ! " 
 
 "Hey! what! has he got you in the fam — " cried 
 Longshanks, tossing his hat up to tho ceiling, dancing 
 about with frantic delight, and giving way to transports 
 of laughter. 
 
 " Nicholas guilty of concupiscence ! I am horrified," 
 said the doctor, sinking back in his chair, as if utterly 
 deprived of strength by the dreadful and unexpected in- 
 telligence. 
 
 "Bridegroom, what say you to this new charge?" 
 asked Longshanks. 
 
 " Let me off! let me off ! I'll make it all right. I'll do 
 anything." 
 
 "It isn't I that will thrust him for that same," said 
 Biddy. 
 
 "I am sick at heart," said the doctor. "This vile 
 business must be settled. Infamous wretch ! if you will 
 marry that woman, whom you have deceived, I will not 
 prosecute you, — you shall keep your ill-gotten gains; 
 otherwise, the law must take its course." 
 
 " Anything — anything," answered Malpest. 
 
 "Stand up then," said the Rev. Hieronymus Knox. 
 
 The weak-kneed rascal scrambled trembling to his feet, 
 and, maintaining himself with difficulty on his legs, was 
 married to Biddy, the cook. 
 23* 
 
270 THE PniLOSOPIlERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 
 
 "When the ceremony was over, the doctor could no 
 longer control his rage and exasperation. 
 
 " D — n you, you infernal emissary of Satan ! " he cried, 
 swearing for the first and only time in his life ; " get out 
 of my sight, and never let me see your face again." 
 
 By way of emphasis to his order, he gave Malpcst a vig- 
 orous kick behind, which sent him howling out of the 
 room like a Avhipped cur. He immediately made his 
 exit from the house, and when last seen was hurrying up 
 the road, with Biddy — who feared her husband would 
 escape her — in full chase, her red hair streaming in the 
 wind, and glowing in the setting sun as if it were on fire. 
 Longshanks and the constables, recollecting that their 
 warrant was still unexecuted, followed after. 
 
 " Sir, you need repose. I will go. Adieu," said the 
 Rev. Mr. Knox, taking his departure. 
 
 The doctor, when the excitement under which he was 
 laboring had somewhat subsided, resolved to seek con- 
 solation in the society of his daughter. He went up to 
 her room, and knocked at the door, once, twice, thrice ; 
 but, receiving no response, he entered. Her unfinished 
 embroidery stood in its accustomed corner, her clothing 
 was strewn about in disorder, and on her work-table he 
 observed a note addressed to himself. He opened it and 
 read as follows, — 
 
 " June 4. 
 
 "Dear, dear Papa, — In a few hours I shall be the 
 wife of the noblest and truest of men, — my own Leander. 
 Pardon me for my wicked deception; my feelings are 
 stronger than my will. 
 
 " Ever your own 
 
 " Cherry." 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 271 
 
 Dr. Goodenough was alone in Harmony Hall. 
 
 We had the honor of becoming acquainted with Dr. 
 Goodenough about a year after the occurrence of the 
 events that we have recorded in this narrative. He was 
 then residing in the city with his daughter and son-in- 
 law, Mr. and Mrs. Lovell. Most of his time was spent 
 in preparing a new edition of his works (which his pub- 
 lisher, with singular blindness to his own interests, de- 
 clined to bring out) ; for, notwithstanding his disastrous 
 experience at Harmony Hall, he still continued to cherish 
 his theories of reform. But his ideas would seem to 
 have undergone some modification, for he acknowledged 
 that the time had not yet come for their practical devel- 
 opment. " Human beings," he said, " must first cease to 
 be anthropopathical, and the mind of man attain a higher 
 sphere of organization." In the evenings it was his 
 greatest delight to take his little grandson, Jonathan G. 
 Lovell, in his arms, and dance him on his knee. 
 
 We are happy to say that he eventually regained pos- 
 session of the real estate appertaining to the former 
 phalanstery ; but his property was, nevertheless, much 
 diminished by the embezzlements of Malpest. 
 
 The old gentleman never liked to talk about his ex- 
 periment at Harmony Hall, and it was seldom alluded to 
 in his presence. The few months passed there appeared 
 also to have left a painful impression on the mind of 
 Mrs. Lovell ;.but it was otherwise with her husband, who 
 always spoke of his Harmonian experience as a mere 
 
272 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 frolic. He long wore on his watch-chain a silver shilling, 
 — a cherished memento of that period. He was exceed- 
 ingly liberal to organ-grinders, whom he seemed to re- 
 gard with a sort of fellow-feeling, until they became an 
 intolerable nuisance, gathering arourld his house like 
 mice about a Dutch cheese. Mr. Longshanks, his part- 
 ner in business, was a constant visitor at his hospitable 
 mansion. He appeared to have a strange weakness for 
 peddlers, having been known, on one occasion, to buy out 
 the whole stock in trade of an itinerant vender of small 
 notions, at his own price, much to his astonishment, and 
 distribute the miscellaneous assortment among some for- 
 tunate beggars who happened to be standing by. 
 
 Joseph Peewit, Esq., when we last heard of him, was 
 residing near Jersey City (where he kept a fancy store), 
 with his small -but rapidly increasing family. His wife, 
 much to his chagrin, threw the MS. of her invaluable 
 lecture, on the Co-relation of the Sexes, into the fire, be- 
 fore the honeymoon was over. Posterity will thank us 
 for the few fragments we have preserved of that remarka- 
 ble production. After her marriage she withdrew en- 
 tirely from the world of letters, refusing even the posi- 
 tion of Secretary to the Literary Society of Communipaw. 
 
 Mrs. Strongitharm soon consoled herself for the loss of 
 the fickle Peewit, and took another partner. He pro- 
 fessed to be a spiritualist ; and certainly a most violent 
 spirit seemed to have gotten possession of him, for he gave 
 Mrs. S. a Poland for all her Olivers by making her 
 head the medium of constant knocks. 
 
 As to Malpest, the doctor, according to his promise, 
 refused to appear against him ; but he was, nevertheless, 
 tried, and convicted of forgery, and sentenced to ten 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOTJVILLE. 273 
 
 years' imprisonment. During his incarceration he was 
 occasionally visited by reformers, and others, — mostly 
 of the female sex ; for many persons regarded him as the 
 victim of misplaced confidence, and more than one was 
 heard to hurl anathemas on the head of Dr. Goodenough, 
 who was regarded as the author of his ruin. He was, 
 however, averse to receiving visitors, seeming to shrink 
 from contact with his kind. The most persistent caller, 
 and the one whose coming seemed to cause him the 
 greatest annoyance, was a coarse, flashily-dressed woman, 
 with a hideous, cross-eyed infant in her arms, who always 
 heralded her advent by a large piece of pasteboard, which 
 bore the following superscription in letters nearly a quar- 
 ter of an inch long, — 
 
 " MRS. PROFESSOR MALPEST, 
 
 "Nee O'BRIEN." 
 
 We regret to say that he was pardoned by the gov- 
 ernor after about a year's imprisonment. 
 
274 TEE PElLOSOrHEIiS OF FOUFOUFILLE. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 An Account of the Philosopher Fou-foit. 
 
 We have completed our history of the decline and fall 
 of Harruonianism. But Harmonianism was but a branch 
 of the banyan-tree of Foufouism, — the most wide-spread 
 of all isms, — and we doubt not that we will be gratifying 
 a natural curiosity in the reader, if we now give some ac- 
 count of the founder of the fraternity of Foufouites. 
 
 The means of doing so are happily at our command, for 
 among the posthumous papers of the late lamented Dr. 
 Goodenough, there was found a MS. translation of a very 
 rare and curious Chinese work on Fou-fou, not a single 
 copy of which has yet made its way into any of the pub- 
 lic libraries of America or. Europe. 
 
 "We subjoin this unique and interesting specimen of 
 celestial literature without presuming to make editorial 
 changes, with the exception of dotting an occasional t, for 
 the doctor was notoriously negligent iu his chirography. 
 
 #e 
 
 FOU-FOU, — A TALE OF CHINA. 
 
 Translated into Latin from the original Chinese of Ly-ing, by Ignatius 
 Hook, a Jesuit missionary, and done into English with notes by Dk. J. 
 Goodenough. 
 
 In the 77th year of the reign of the great Fi-fo-fum, 
 
 Khan of the Celestial Flowery Kingdom, Brother to the 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVLLLE. 275 
 
 Sun and Moon, Lord of Heaven and Earth, and of the 
 Seven Umbrellas, that is to say 2,222 years before the 
 birth of Confucius, 1 there dwelt in the village of Yangts- 
 chankiangkong 2 a retired rice-merchant, by the name of 
 Bum. Now this Bum, who was a man of portly dimen- 
 sions, had amassed a large fortune by selling spoiled rice 
 for good, and, being the richest man in Yangtschankiang- 
 kong, was much puffed up with self-conceit, and was 
 greatly respected by all his neighbors, 3 who stuck out 
 their tongues and scratched their right ears 4 whenever 
 he passed. He was a man of low extraction, who in 
 early life had made a living by keeping a corner tea-store. 
 He laid the foundation of his fortune during the great re- 
 bellion of the Southern provinces, when he contracted 
 with the government to supply the army with one million 
 catties of rice, and one hundred thousand taels of cattle. 
 So bad was the quality of the food supplied by Bum, that 
 when they were attacked by those terrible opium-eaters, 
 the long haired Kanchew 5 Tartars, they had not strength 
 to run away, and every one of them had his pigtail cut off 
 two inches below his ears, 6 thereby incapacitating him from 
 ever again serving the Khan as a soldier. So, in spite of, 
 or rather perhaps in consequence of, the misfortunes of his 
 
 1 This is clearly a chronological error, probably the fault of some tran- 
 scriber, for as Confucius nourished in the sixth century B.C., it would placo 
 the reign of Fi-fo-fum some years anterior to the Deluge. 
 
 2 The name of this town does not appear on any of tho modern maps of 
 China; but they are notoriously defective. 
 
 3 How little human nature has changed! 
 
 4 To this day a mark of respect in Thibet. — See Travels of Hue in Tartary. 
 
 5 Now called Manchoos; probably from tho singular historical circum- 
 stance here related. 
 
 6 Doubtless a circumlocutory method of expressing decapitation. 
 
276 TIIE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 country, Burn -waxed wealthy and grew in the esteem of 
 his fellow-citizens. His business increased ; he had 
 agents in different provinces, and hundreds of boats for 
 the transportation of his produce. They are called Bum 
 boats to this day. So Bum, having become a man of 
 wealth and consequence, removed from his miserable bam- 
 boo dwelling in the environs of Yangtschankiangkong, 
 and built himself a sumptuous mansion of porcelain and 
 lacker ware in the very centre of the town. Of course he 
 cut off all his former friends and acquaintances. 
 
 It had long been the wish of Bum to have an heir to his 
 name and his wealth ; but the divine Buddh, doubtless 
 incensed at the wicked manner in which he had acquired 
 his riches, long denied him this happiness. It was in 
 vain that he erected a water praj'er-mill 7 that turned off 
 one thousand prayers an hour ; it was in vain that he 
 laid on the altar of Buddh rich offerings of fat pigs, 
 boiled fish, and gallons of hot Sam-shoo wine ; 8 it was in 
 vain that he shut himself up in the joss-house and per- 
 formed the three hundred and thirty -three genuflections, 
 and nine hundred and ninety-nine prostrations, touching 
 the big toe of the idol with his nose at each prostration ; 
 the god could be neither bribed nor cajoled into acceding 
 to his wishes. At last, after twenty-five years of mar- 
 riage, Mrs. Bum, who was the finest-looking woman in 
 China, for she weighed nearly three hundred pounds, was 
 seized with one of the four hundred and forty-four mala- 
 
 7 Prayer mills are still common in tho Lama convents, and private houses 
 of Tartary. Some of them are turned by the foot, like a knife-grinder's ma- 
 chine, and the industrious owner can go on with his handiwork while his 
 machine is praying for him. — See Travels of Hue in China and Tartary. 
 
 8 It is still customary in China to offer food and drink to the gods, — a 
 practico that is encouraged by the priests. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 277 
 
 dies of the body, and obliged to take to her bed. Dr. 
 Quak was at once called in, and, in one month under his 
 management, the poor woman was brought to the point of 
 death, being reduced to mere skin and bones. But she 
 eventually recovered, and in less than a year, to the as- 
 tonishment of everybody, crowned the hopes of her hus- 
 band by giving birth to a son. 
 
 In the excess of his joy Bum gave a grand feast to all 
 his friends and relations. There were birds'- nests soup, 
 bon-bon stew, fried rat, sugar-cane worms, shrimp patties, 
 salted eggs, sea-weed jelly, red-billed magpies, peacock's 
 brains, mandarin ducks, boiled blubber, fish tripes, sharks' 
 fins, sea-slugs, water snakes, dromedary's hump, fried 
 frogs, kabobs, Bohea tea, Sam-shoo wine piping hot, and 
 sweetmeats of every imaginable kind ; in short, all the 
 delicacies known to the culinary art of China, whether in 
 or out of season. All the guests stuffed themselves until 
 they were sick, 9 and as to Bum, he ate so much, and drank 
 so much, and laughed so much, that he went off in a fit of 
 apoplexy. His relations of course went into the deepest 
 mourning, dressing themselves in white 10 from head to 
 foot, and letting the hair of their heads grow until it 
 reached a length of nearly a quarter of an inch. u 
 
 The little Peepee — for so the baby was named — was 
 nursed with the greatest care. When he became old 
 enough to begin his education a giver of wisdom was pro- 
 cured for him, who kept him see-sawing backwards and 
 
 9 This is not strange, for it has always been considered polite in China 
 for the host to press his guests to eat, and the height of ill-breeding on the 
 part of the latter to refuse anything offered. — See Sirr, five years in China. 
 
 10 The mourning color in China; and how much more respectful to the 
 Ruler of all things than black ! 
 
 11 To this day the greatest compliment that can be paid to the deoeased. 
 
 24 
 
278 tee rniLOSornERS of foufovville. 
 
 forwards from morning till night, repeating letters of the 
 alphabet, or passages from the forty-four books of instruc- 
 tion. At six years of age he knew six letters ; at ten he 
 knew, by heart, quite a number of verses from the four 
 sacred books ; and at fifteen he had made some progress 
 in the five classics. All the ladies of the village who had 
 daughters about his own age were amazed at his wonder- 
 ful precocity. He was fond of displa3 7 ing his learning 
 before his youthful companions, and cared nothing for 
 their silly amusements. When one would propose a 
 game of bones, he would answer with a verse from the book 
 of Ho ; when challenged to play at hop-scotch, he would 
 turn up his nose and walk away with an air of disdain. 
 In consequence of these peculiar ways he was nick-named 
 Fou-fou, which, in very ancient Chinese, is supposed to 
 have meant " transcendental wisdom." 
 
 Now it happened that next door to the widow Bum 
 there lived an old lady, by the name of Mah, whose hus- 
 band had also been an army contractor. He had agreed 
 to furnish every man with a blue silk umbrella, but, being 
 a covetous person, he had sent them, instead, miserable 
 cotton parasols, wholly ineffectual in protecting the sol- 
 diers from the sun and rain. The inconvenience suffered 
 from the heat was partly remedied by their fans ; v but 
 they had no protection against the dampness, and conse- 
 quently all caught cold. This accident, however, turned 
 out fortunately, for the whole host set up a simultaneous 
 coughing, which so alarmed the insurgent Tartars, — who 
 supposed that an army of not less than a million of men 
 was advancing against them, — that they immediately 
 
 12 Every man, woman, and child carries a fan, which seems more indis- 
 pensable to a Chinese than a pocket-knife to a Yankee. — Forbes. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 279 
 
 turned their camels' heads towards the West, and never 
 stopped, in their flight, until they reached the top of the 
 Himalaya mountains. 13 When the mighty Fi-fo-fum 
 heard how shamefully his army had been swindled, his 
 rage was so great that he would have plucked his beard 
 out by the roots, if he had had any, and he at once sent 
 High Commissioner Hang to investigate the charges of 
 peculation that had been brought against Mah. The 
 contractor was arrested, and, the charges against him 
 being fully proven, he was sentenced to forfeit all his ill- 
 gotten gains into the public treasury, to be hauled over 
 the coals on a gridiron, to receive one thousand strokes 
 of a bamboo, to be flayed alive, to be hanged, drawn and 
 quartered, and to have his ancestors for fifteen genera- 
 tions degraded ; 14 but the latter part of the sentence was 
 a superfluous piece of justice, for Mah was not known to 
 have any ancestors. 
 
 Mah, having obtained a private interview with Hang, 
 not only succeeded in persuading that official of his in- 
 nocence, but actually induced him to declare that the 
 contractor, having been the means of delivering the 
 country from the Tartars, was an eminently patriotic citi- 
 zen. The sentence of the Court against him was, accord- 
 ingly, abrogated by the Commissioner. As an evidence 
 of the cost of legal proceedings in those days, it was 
 remarked that Mah, although finally declared innocent, 
 was shorn of nearly four-fifths of his property. The 
 wealth of Hang was greatly increased about the same 
 
 13 This important incident in the history of tho Central Flowery Kingdom 
 
 is not mentioned by any other author. \^ 
 
 14 To degrade a man's ancestors from the rank they enjoyed in life, is 
 one of tho most dreaded punishments in Chinese criminal law. — Sirr. 
 
280 the rniLosornERS of foufovville. 
 
 time. For his services in this transaction the emperor 
 presented him with a peacock's feather, — the highest honor 
 to which a subject could aspire. 15 Mali, who still re- 
 mained in comfortable circumstances, lived, contentedly, 
 for several years, highly esteemed by all, and at last 
 died of the gout, leaving a disconsolate widow, and a 
 daughter, named, Ah-me. 
 
 This young lad}', who was a few years younger than 
 Fou-fou, was one of the most beautiful of her sex. Her 
 complexion was the color of a ripe olive ; her jeyes were 
 small, black, languishing, and more oblique than any 
 other eyes in China ; her feet were about the size and 
 shape of her fist when doubled up ; she had no calves to 
 her legs, 10 was flat-breasted, and straight-waisted, — in 
 short, she was a perfect beauty. As she grew up to 
 womanhood she naturally attracted the attention of all 
 the beaux in the neighborhood, and several soon became 
 suitors for her hand ; for, in those days of innocence, the 
 young people themselves regulated their matrimonial 
 affairs, instead of leaving them to their parents, as is the 
 custom at present. 
 
 One day the beautiful Ah-me entered her mother's 
 boudoir of gilt bamboo. 
 
 " Mamma," said she, " I am the most embarrassed girl 
 in China ; I have received four offers. First came the 
 haughty Hi-tun, the eldest son of the mandarin Poo-poo ; 
 then, that ferocious soldier, Bang "Wang, who has often 
 
 15 In modern times a present of three peacock's feathers is one of the 
 most signal marks of imperial favor. — Notes on China. 
 
 1G This is the natural consequence of contracting the feet in childhood, 
 and is a defect found in all women whose feet have been thus disfigured.— 
 Davis. View of China: 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 281 
 
 told us Low many Tartars he killed in the last campaign ; 
 next, that rollicking young gentleman, Jak, master of 
 the five-crackers on the revenue junk, Hi-poop ; and 
 lastly came that exceedingly wise and studious youth, 
 Fou-fou." 
 
 "Who has the most cash?" 17 inquired the judicious 
 Mah. 
 
 " Hi-tun," answered Ah-me, " possesses the tablets of 
 one thousand seven hundred ancestors ; 18 he is the most 
 perfect master of the ceremonies in Yangtschankiang- 
 kong ; no one can handle the chop-sticks so gracefully as 
 he ; not one keeps his pig-tail so nicely oiled ; his nails are 
 six inches, and his nose an inch and a half long ; but 
 then he has not got much cash, and he is too proud to 
 work. Bang "Wang expects, some day, to be a mandarin 
 of the blue button ; but he has nothing, at present, as he 
 himself acknowledges, excepting his valor, and his tom- 
 tom. Jak, who is tired of life on the ocean wave, as he 
 says, and wants to come to anchor, has only his pay, and 
 his rations. Fou-fou is immensely rich." 
 
 " Then, of course, you accepted him," said Mah. 
 
 " I rejected the whole of them," answered Ah-me. 
 
 " Silly girl, what have you done ! " exclaimed Mah. 
 
 Lest the conduct of Ah-me seem strange, it must be 
 stated that the handsome Si-si kept a retail tea-store 
 directly opposite the residence of Madam Mah. In per- 
 sonal appearance he was a model of Chinese elegance ; 
 
 17 A copper coin worth about one-eighth of a cent. It has a square hole 
 in the centre for convenience in stringing. 
 
 18 Every wealthy Chinese gentleman keeps an apartment called the 
 " Hall of Ancestors," in which are ranged the tablets of his deceased pro- 
 genitors. 
 
 24* 
 
282 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUTILLE. 
 
 for be was nearly five feet and a half high, his com- 
 plexion was yellow, his pig-tail long, and his nose short, 
 his forehead low, and his cheek-bones high, his ears 
 large, and his eyes small, his fingers thin, and his legs 
 thick, his lips straight, and his eyes oblique, his cheeks 
 sunken, and his stomach protuberant. The gentle Si-si 
 had never told his love, but let concealment, like a thief 
 in a candle, consume his substance, while his passion 
 burned all the more fiercely; but his heaving breast 
 and languishing glances betrayed his emotions, which 
 were answered by a responsive flutter in the heart of 
 Ah-me. 
 
 The effect of the young lady's cruelty to her suitors 
 was heartrending. The haughty Ili-tun, out of pure 
 spite, married his washerwoman's daughter, and was, in 
 consequence, discarded by all his family. When last 
 heard from they were making a living by taking in plain 
 washing, — Hi-tun doing the ironing. 
 
 Bang Wang attempted to commit hari-kari, 10 but only 
 succeeded in ripping open his yellow silk gown. His 
 after fate is unknown. 
 
 Jak was said to have drowned his sorrows in the bowl. 
 Certain it is that he was seen cruising around the canals,- 
 for many years, always jolty, and, according to rumor, 
 with a wife in every port excepting Yangtschankiang- 
 kong. 
 
 As to Fou-fou he resolved to put an end to his grief 
 by putting an end to his life ; so, one dark night, he de- 
 liberately threw himself into the canal ; but the water 
 was exceedingly cold, and whether this cooled his pas- 
 
 19 This singular custom is now confined to Japan. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 283 
 
 sion, or whether he was afraid of freezing to death, — 
 a method of shaking off this mortal coil he had not con- 
 templated, — certain it is, that, on rising to the surface 
 and finding himself directly under the stern of the Hi- 
 poop, he at once seized hold of the rudder and there 
 clung. The man at the wheel finding the vessel would 
 not obey her helm, or rather that her helm would not 
 obey him, naturally imagined that the junk was be- 
 witched, and falling on his face, in abject terror, vowed 
 to all the gods that if the Evil Spirit were taken away 
 he would present the priests of Buclclh with one-half the 
 curry he had stolen the day before (he promised the 
 whole, but mentally intended only to give half). Jak, 
 coming up and learning the difficulty, called him an 
 ignorant land-lubber, and gave him a kick that sent him 
 through the gangway head-foremost into a hogshead of 
 molasses. 
 
 " Shiver my timbers ! " said he, " but I'll make her 
 work." 
 
 He then gave the wheel a jerk ; it turned half round 
 and immediately sprang back, for Fou-fou was holding 
 on to the rudder with one hand, and with the other grasp- 
 ing the tail of the carved dragon on the stern of the ves- 
 sel. Jak made two more attempts to turn the wheel, but 
 with the same result, and being now convinced that 
 Sheitan was at the bottom of the matter, — that is to 
 say, of the junk, — he dropped on his marrow-bones and 
 began to stutter a confused medley of phrases from all 
 the prayers to Buddh that he had heard from time to 
 time in his cruises, — it being the first evidence of piety' 
 he had given since he followed the canals. The junk, 
 left to herself, soon drifted plump against the bank, and 
 
284 the rniLOSornEiis of foufouville. 
 
 Fou-fou, having waded ashore, endeavored to sneak home 
 unperceived. The Hi-poop remained quietly alongside 
 the bank until daybreak, by which time — as evil spirits 
 prowl about only at night — her rudder was found to bo 
 clear, and she proceeded on. her way, with a fair wind, at 
 the rate of a mile an hour, both Jak and the land-lubber 
 forgetting their terror-stricken vows. 
 
 The next day the adventure of Fou-fou was known all 
 over the town, for his action had been seen by one of the 
 guardians of darkness. 20 He became the laughing-stock 
 of everybody ; but, as his thoughts were wandering in the 
 sublime regions of transcendental metaphysics, he passed 
 by the scoffers disdainfully, not stooping to reply to 
 their ribaldry. 
 
 In a week the beautiful Ah-rue married the gentle Si-si, 
 and that is the last we hear of her. 
 
 Fou-fou, being now completely disgusted with the 
 world, shut himself up in his house for twentj'-five years, 
 giving himself up entirely to the study of philosophy. 
 Having attained the age of nearly fifty years, and his 
 beard reaching down to his waist, he at last emerged 
 from his seclusion and announced to his wondering 
 townsmen that he had found the true key to human' hap- 
 piness. 
 
 " The permanent principles of Nature," said he, " are 
 three : the active principle, or spirit ; the passive princi- 
 ple, or matter ; and the neutral principle, or mathematical 
 laws of justice and harmony. The nature of man was 
 co-ordinate with this division, and contained : 1 . His 
 physical nature, adapted to the passive principle, or mat- 
 ter ; 2. His moral nature, adapted to the active princi- 
 
 ^Niorht watchmen. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOVVILLE. 285 
 
 pie, or spirit ; and, 3. His intellectual nature, adapted to 
 the neutral principle of law and justice. In order to con- 
 struct, synthetically, a true harmonic sphere out of this 
 methodical analysis of the principles of man's physical, 
 moral, and mental nature, individually and collectively, 
 with regard to general society and universal unity, we 
 must follow the theory of the four movements, and mixing 
 up the cabalistic, or emulative impulse, with unityism, 
 or harmonizing aspiration, till they form a cosmologies! 
 equilibrium, we obtain, as a solution, that all property 
 and women should be held in common." * 
 
 The utterance of these subversive, levelling, revolution- 
 ary, and atrocious doctrines, raised a terrible commotion 
 in Yangtschankiangkong, especially among the bonzes, 
 who possessed most of the property of the place. The 
 bonzes excited the women, and the women excited their 
 husbands ; so, in the midst of a general hue-and-cry Fou- 
 fou was arrested, and brought before the old mandarin, 
 Poo-poo, on the charge of heresy and rebellion. 
 
 " Prisoner," said Poo-poo ; " what have you to say in 
 answer to this charge ? " 
 
 "There are two phases of incoherence," answered Fou- 
 fou, "containing each seven social periods; two phases 
 of combination containing each nine social periods. As 
 soon as society shall have reached the thirty-second, 
 which is the apogee of harmony, the pivotal or anti- 
 harmonic age of the race will begin, the Aurora Borealis 
 will be converted into a boreal crown, and the soul of 
 man cease to be vertiginated by the viripotency of woman. 
 This is axiopistical." 
 
 * For a modern plagiarism of this speech, see the New American Cyclo- 
 pedia, under the heading FOU. — Note by the author. 
 
286 the ruiLOsoriiEiiS of foufoufille. 
 
 " Can't you speak Chinese? " said Poo-poo. 
 
 11 The human race will perish," continued Fou-fou ; 
 " but, by a scries of bicomposite transmigrations, be 
 transmogrified into the seventh sphere." 
 
 11 Take him away ! take him away ! " cried Poo-poo ; 
 " he is nothing but a crack-brained visionary, and can do 
 no harm." 
 
 But the bonzes were not to be cheated of their prey, 
 nor was the resentment of the women allayed ; so an ap- 
 peal was taken, and the case brought before High Com- 
 missioner Hang. Hang instantly decided that the crim- 
 inal should have his head shaved, be put in the pillory 
 for three days, be chopped into mince-meat, and.that his 
 doctrines should be applied to himself as far as possible. 
 The merciful Fi-fo-fum 21 remitted all but the latter part 
 of this sentence, and as the population of the province 
 was estimated at 3,000,000, and its assessed wealth was 
 10,000,000,000 cash, the portion belonging to each in- 
 habitant, according to the theory of Fou-fou, was 3,333^. 
 It was accordingly directed that this sum be paid to him, 
 deducting the dues of the court ; and, as these amounted 
 to exactly 3,333, he received, on his discharge, just one- 
 third of a cash, and his property was confiscated for 
 distribution among the rest of the people. The sentence 
 was highly applauded in Yangtschankiangkong, though 
 in the end it gave rise to great dissatisfaction, from the 
 fact that not a single cash that had belonged to the es- 
 tate of Fou-fou actually found its way into the pockets 
 of the people. For the extraordinary wisdom displayed 
 in the decision of this case, Hang was raised, by the 
 
 21 The emperor must have boen quite aged at this period. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOVFOUVILLE. 287 
 
 Khan, to the position of Minister of Eternal Equity. 
 Fou-fou bought a cracker with his one-third of a cash, 
 and, being convinced that no man is a prophet in his own 
 country, resolved to emigrate from Yangtschankiangkong. 
 He started the next morning, following the course of the 
 So-long canal. About 12 o'clock he met a couple of ox- 
 drivers named Gee-wo and Go-long, who were taking a 
 mid-day rest from their labors. They told him they 
 were very poor men, who worked hard for a mere pittance 
 in order to support their wives and families. Their em- 
 ployer was the proprietor of the adjoining tavern of the 
 Five Felicities ; he had always paid them their wages 
 regularly, and they had never been discontented with 
 their lot, even though it was not an easy one. Fou-fou 
 told them that their contentment showed their ignorance 
 and folly ; and then he unfolded his views to them at 
 length. They comprehended very little of what he said, 
 excepting that they were entitled to a portion of their 
 master's property, which seemed to them quite reasonable ; 
 and, when the philosopher promised them a good dinner, 
 if they would join him, they at once abandoned their oxen 
 in order to follow him. He took them to the tavern of 
 the Five Felicities, and ordered a feast for three. The 
 superintendent of the chest 22 gave the necessary direc- 
 tions to the governor of the kettle, 23 and in a short time 
 the steward of the table 24 placed the food before the three 
 hungry men. "When they had finished Fou-fou started to 
 leave with them without paying ; but Gin-sling, the land- 
 lord, stopped them, and demanded his money. Fou-fou 
 
 22 The landlord. 23 The cook. 24 The waiter. 
 
288 THE pniLOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 began to explain his philosophy, and endeavored to con- 
 vince him that since he and his companions were entirely 
 penniless he owed them, in strict equity, much more 
 than a beggarly meal. Gin-sling could not see the mat- 
 ter in that light ; and, accordingly, the three philosophers 
 were arrested, and taken before a Dispenser of Justice 
 named Meen-fun, followed by the parents, wives, chil- 
 dren, and other relations of Gee-wo and Go-loug, who 
 were loud in their imprecations against Fou-fou, for hav- 
 ing got the ox-drivers in trouble. Meen-fun, with that 
 eye for poetical justice for which the Chinese have ever 
 been famous, ordered, as a preliminary punishment, that 
 a powerful purge be administered to each of the culprits ; 
 and — [Here there is a lacuna in the MS. of Dr. G.] 
 
 Late in the afternoon Fou-fou arrived in front of a 
 joss-house. 25 A number of ragged, suspicious-looking 
 men were prowling around it, and he at once began to 
 harangue them on the uselessness of joss-houses, and the 
 absurdity of the doctrines taught in them. " They sup- 
 port in idleness," said he, " hundreds of good-for-nothing 
 priests, who. should be tilling the soil, and adding to the 
 productiveness of the land, and who pretend that their 
 teachings are the inspirations of Buddh, whereas, they 
 are nothing but the fabrications of a few crafty or vision- 
 ary men to take advantage of the credulity and supersti- 
 tion of the mass of the people. They call themselves the 
 priests of perfect reason, and yet no two of them inter- 
 pret the doctrines of Buddhism alike, and they keep the 
 people in a perpetual state of distraction by their dissen- 
 sions." He spoke for more than an hour, and supposed 
 
 25 A place of worship. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 289 
 
 he had made a great impression on his hearers ; hut the 
 moment he finished, one of the men said, — 
 
 " That is a nice gown the fellow has on ; let's take it." 
 
 " We should first cut his throat," said another, " so 
 that he may not inform against us." 
 
 " Good ! good ! " cried the rest of the wretches ; and, 
 immediately seizing the philosopher, they were on the 
 point of putting their murderous design in execution, 
 when the great gong of the pagoda sounded the signal 
 for the sunset prostrations. Instantly the robbers fell 
 flat on their faces, with their noses buried in the dust, 
 and Fou-fou, taking advantage of the circumstance, 
 leaped over their prostrate bodies, and fled for safety to 
 the joss-house. The chief priest, a venerable, long- 
 bearded bonze, named Hum-drum, took him by the hand, 
 chin-chinned 26 him three times, and thus addressed him, — 
 
 " Stranger, I have heard thy discourse, and witnessed 
 thy mishap, which would have ended in thy robbery and 
 murder, if thy assailants had not feared to incur the 
 wrath of Buddh had they failed to perform the nine pros- 
 trations at the appointed hour. Thus do desperate and 
 blood-thirsty men, who cannot be controlled by the fear 
 of human laws, tremble before the terrors of a future 
 punishment. Let this be a lesson to thee to rail no more 
 against institutions that have saved thee from pillage 
 and death. Thou canst rest with us this night, for we 
 are enjoined to be charitable, even to those that despite- 
 fully use us. 
 
 " Eat, drink, and sleep, and to-morrow go thy way in 
 peace." 
 
 26 The Chinese method of salutation. 
 25 
 
290 THE PJIlLOSOPJlEnS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 
 
 The next day Fou-foii reached the city of Nintschang- 
 yangtscheufu, the metropolis of the province of Yan-kee. 
 It was in vain that he sought admittance to the public 
 houses, for his clothes were, by this time, so travel- 
 stained and soiled that he was regarded as a suspicious 
 character. The Inspector of the Books, 27 at the hotel of 
 the Three Perfections, told him there was no room for 
 such unprofitable-looking customers ; while the Guardian 
 of the Portals, 28 at the House of Social Relations, threat- 
 ened to kick him away if he did not leave quietly ; con- 
 sequently, he had no chance to repeat the exploit he had 
 performed at the inn of the Five Felicities. So, having 
 nothing else to do, he took his stand on the steps of the 
 principal pagoda, and began to harangue the multitude ; 
 but, as every one was absorbed in the worship of a 
 graven image of silver, called the " almighty dollar," 
 very few persons stopped to listen to him, and those few 
 merely laughed at him, for a moment, and then passed 
 on. Now the Yan-kees were a practical people, and the 
 last in all China among whom he would have been likely 
 to ^nd followers ; but it happened that Chew-yung, a 
 penniless opium-eater, accompanied by a drunken vaga- 
 bond, named Rum-punch, were among those who heard 
 him propound his theory of the distribution of property, 
 and they were struck with the propriety of the proposi- 
 tion, and immediately enrolled themselves among his 
 disciples. The beggars of the city also gathered around 
 him, attracted by the promising nature of his tenets, so 
 that he soon found himself at the head of quite a numer- 
 ous body of malcontents. . A revolution might have been 
 the result, but the ensuing night being very cold, and his 
 
 27 Tho clerk, or book-keeper. & Tho porter. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 291 
 
 followers, observing that he was clad in a warm, woollen 
 gown, while they had almost nothing to cover their 
 nakedness, made a second application of his doctrines to 
 himself, and, stripping him of his last garment, divided 
 it among themselves. In the morning the philosopher, 
 Fou-fou, was found frozen to death. 
 
 After the demise of Fou-fou, his followers spread 
 themselves over the empire ; but their leader being gone, 
 they no longer formed a homogeneous body ; but, while 
 adding to their numbers, split themselves into different 
 sects (similar to the manner in which the learned tell us 
 that some minute animals increase — by division 29 ), each 
 sect holding some tenet, or tenets, different from the 
 others. These subdivisions repeated the process, and 
 as the original type, according to natural philosophers, 
 may, by natural selection, branch off into species and 
 genera, which, in course of time, differ widely from each 
 other, and from the parent stock, some hardly retaining a 
 single characteristic of this latter, so the Foufouites, as 
 they have spread over the earth, and been subjected to 
 varying influences, have gradually become divided into an 
 innumerable number of lodges, each one of which main- 
 tains some principles that are scouted by the others, 
 while individuals are found who do not believe in one 
 single precept promulgated by the founder of the order. 
 
 29 Called, in modern scientific nomenclature, " Multiplication by Divis- 
 ion." I would respectively suggest to the Academy of Sciences, the more 
 appropriate term of ''The Logarithmic Method of Reproduction," since, by 
 the division of the monads, other monads are subtracted from them. 
 
292 tiie rniLOsopjiEns of foufovville. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 CONCLUSION. 
 
 The chapters of our book having reached the unlucky 
 number of thirteen, we feel bound, as a true Foufouite, in 
 justice to our publisher and ourself, to write a fourteenth 
 in order to avert the misfortune notoriously attendant on 
 the former figure. "What Foufouite would make the 13th 
 at table? "Who would want to work 13 hours a day? 
 Who would pay 13 dollars for what he could get for less? 
 Who would want to travel by a train that only went 13 
 miles an hour? How many more juries would disagree if 
 they consisted of 13 instead of 12? What school-boy 
 would want the multiplication table extended to 13? Who 
 does not remember being whipped in his 13th year? 
 What boy of 13 does not wish he was nearer the age of 
 stove-pipe hats ? What girl of that age does not look for- 
 ward longingly to long frocks and beaux ? What mother 
 does not begin to feel anxious for her daughter when she 
 reaches that age? What poor man would want 13 chil- 
 dren? Who (unless a woman) would have 13 hats? Who 
 could fall in love with a girl who had only 13 teeth? 
 Who would want to wait 13 years for a wife, notwith- 
 standing Jacob waited 14 ? What girl (with proper ideas) 
 would look at a man with only 1300 a year? What wife 
 would let her husband smoke 13 cigars after dinner? 
 How many have been ruined by holding 13 cards? Who 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 293 
 
 would lake 13% for his money if he could get 14? Who 
 would invest in a petroleum company that promised only 
 13%? What auctioneer stops at 13 if he can get 13 and a 
 " aff" ? Who would give 13 cents for a shilling if he could 
 help it ? What poet since the days of Byron (the most 
 unhappy of men) has put 13 ideas into 13 lines? Who 
 would want the toothache for 13 days? Who would boil 
 an egg 13 minutes? Who would cut a pie in 13 pieces? 
 Who would voluntarily listen to a sermon that extended 
 tol3thly? 
 
 Having shown what a very unlucky number 13 is, we 
 could give an equally convincing demonstration of the 
 folly of beginning anything on Friday ; but as this is gen- 
 erally acknowledged, we will forbear. 
 
 Dr. Goodenough has long since passed away, and the 
 Society of Harmonians ceased to exist, but Foufouism 
 still flourishes throughout the world among all nations. It 
 is upheld by all classes and conditions of men and women, 
 its insignia decorating the plebeian as well as the aristo- 
 crat, the ignorant and the learned, the poor and the rich. 
 Gibbon considered the whole history of the Roman Em- 
 pire too much for one man to undertake, and in this ac- 
 count of the decline and fall of Harmonianism we have 
 confined our attention to a mere phase of Foufouism, 
 leaving an immense field unexplored for future gleaners. 
 We have purposely forborne from comments, believing it 
 to be the duty of the historian to relate facts rather than 
 to give opinions, and leaving it to the judicious reader 
 to draw his own conclusions. We have not couformed to 
 the usual practice of other great writers of putting the au- 
 thority for each transaction in notes at the foot of the pa- 
 
294 tiie rniLOSopnEns of foufowille. 
 
 ges, partly because we -wished to be original, and partly 
 in order that the reader's attention might not be perpet- 
 ually distracted from the important events narrated in 
 the text. 
 
 Foufouism still exists, but in consequence perhaps of 
 the discredit thrown on the order by the failure of the 
 phalanstery, there are many weak-kneed brethren who 
 not only shrink from avowing, but actually deny their 
 connection with it. Hating gammon, nonsense, and 
 lrypocrisy, we, who have written this book, do not hesi- 
 tate to acknowledge, openly, that we belong to the frater- 
 nity ; and as there should be nothing secret in our soci- 
 ety we shall now make known a few of the signs by 
 which the public may recognize a Foufouite at a glance. 
 
 When a man, whether in speaking or writing, uses 
 long words where short ones are better, it is prima facie 
 evidence that he is a candidate for admission into the 
 society. 
 
 When you find an author using mystical " transcen- 
 dental" language from which the thought (if there is any) 
 can only be evolved by patient study, or the use of a dic- 
 tionary, — and nineteen times out of twenty it is not 
 worth the trouble, — you can rest assured that he is a 
 Foufouite of the first water, and that his admirers like- 
 wise belong to the brotherhood. We have noticed, in the 
 course of much miscellaneous reading, that whenever a 
 writer has an idea that is really worth recording, he in- 
 variably takes pains to express it in the clearest language 
 that his faculties can command. 
 
 Bunsbyism (if we may coin a word from Mr. Dickens) 
 of any kind is an indubitable sign. 
 
 So also is affectation. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 295 
 
 When you find a man sacrificing comfort to vain show 
 you can set him clown as one of our Grand Masters. 
 
 When you find a native citizen of the United States — 
 a true-born Yankee — aping foreign manners, dress, or 
 forms of speech, you may confidently point your finger 
 and say, " There goes a Foufouite." 
 
 All those who prefer what is foreign to what is domes- 
 tic, not because it is better (which it is too often), but 
 because it is foreign, are claimed by us. 
 
 Any American who makes a parade of heraldic signs 
 and devices (no matter how justly entitled to them ac- 
 cording to the laws of heraldry) must have imbibed our 
 principles. 
 
 In short, any native American, who is not also a true 
 American, is a Foufouite. 
 
 All women, who talk politics or political economy, we 
 hail as sisters. 
 
 Those who are called strong-minded hold a high place 
 in our order. 
 
 All snobs are Foufouites, although all Foufouites are 
 not, necessarily, snobs. 
 
 Many of the F. F. V.s also belong to the O. F.s. 
 
 Among the insignia of the order are flashy habili- 
 ments, mock jewelry, or even much of the real article, 
 and the hat cocked over one eye. Self-conceit is the 
 most infallible sign of all. 
 
 Foufouites flock to mock auctions ; they support astrolo- 
 gers, mediums, seventh daughters, and people whose 
 "sands of life have nearly run out ;" they relieve import- 
 ers from all sorts of worthless foreign rubbish ; they rail 
 at democratic institutions ; they invest in lotteries (in 
 Wall Street, as well as elsewhere) ; lose their money in 
 
29G the rniLOsoriiERS of foufovville. 
 
 gambling hells ; squander it in rum-shops, and keep up 
 the price of Greek and Latin dictionaries. 
 
 Notwithstanding that our. order includes, among its 
 members, people of every station and condition of life, 
 from kings upon their thrones, down to beggars in the 
 streets, it is extremely rigid in its rules of admission, 
 and no elevation of rank, no amount of wealth, will se- 
 cure this privilege, unless the party has given proof of 
 adherence to our principles. What those principles are, 
 we do not feel at liberty to state ; in fact, like the doc- 
 trines of Buddh, the}' arc so numerous that probably no 
 one individual knows the whole of them ; for it should 
 be borne in mind that Foufouism is older than free- 
 masoniy, and that every generation of men gives birth 
 to some new principle, the adoption of which carries 
 with it the appellation of Foufouite. 
 
 The moving words in which the historian of the Decline 
 and Fall describes the completion of his great work are 
 doubtless familiar to the reader ; but it is necessary to 
 have been in a similar position in order to fully appre- 
 ciate them. 
 
 It is in the seclusion of our study — which is also our 
 bedroom (and we will add our children's nursery) — that 
 we are writing these last lines of the last page of our 
 book. In parting with it we feel like parting with a 
 familiar friend, for it has been our daily companion during 
 nearly three long winter months ; still, as the publisher 
 tells us it may possibly pay, the poignancy of our regret 
 at having finished it is somewhat alleviated. 
 
 The accomplishment of our laborious task has been 
 attended by many drawbacks. Only future commentators 
 will know the amount of research involved, by the ex- 
 
THE PHILOSOPIIERS OF FOUFOUVILLE. 297 
 
 treme difficulty they will have in hunting up our authori- 
 ties. »We have perseveringly prosecuted our labors in 
 spite of constant interruption from our children, sur- 
 rounded by the ruins of their Christmas toys, and our 
 attention constantly distracted by the gambols and noise 
 of their pets, a cat, two kittens, and three puppy-dogs. 
 
 Our son, sis years of age, the heir to our name (would 
 we could add fortune), is climbing up on our shoulders, 
 and our little daughter is sitting on our knee. Having 
 just pinched their ears to keep them quiet, ours are the 
 only dry eyes amongst us. In this affecting manner we 
 take our leave of the reader, consoled by the reflection 
 that, while the life of the historian must be short and pre- 
 carious, his book may long survive on the shelves of 
 second-hand book stores, and be of service to future gen- 
 erations of trunkmakers and hatters. 
 
 THE END. 
 
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