NORTHWESTERN
UNIVERSITY
LIBRARY
EVANSTON
ILLINOIS
PART 1.
By
TOBIAS SMOLLETT
With the author's preface, and an introduction by
G. H. MAYNADIER, PH. D.
DEPARTMENT OF ENGLISH, HARVARD UNIVERSITY
CONTENTS
Introduction
Preface . .
Apouioue .
TAQK
xv
xxix
xxxv
CHAPTER ONE
Of my birth and parentage
1
CHAPTER TWO
I grow np—Am hated by my relations — Sent to
school — Neglected by my grandfather—Mai-
treated by my master—Seasoned to adversity
— I form cabals against the pedant — Am de-
barred access to my grandfather—Hunted by
his heir—1 demolish the teeth of his tutor . 8
My mother's brother arrives — Relieves me—A
description of him— He goes along with me to
the house of my grandfather—Is encountered
by his dogs—Defeats them, after a bloody en-
gagement — Is admitted to the old gentleman
—A dialogue between them 15
CHAPTER THREE
[v]
CONTENTS
CHAPTER FOUR
PAGB
My grandfather makes his will — Our second visit
— He dies — His will is read in presence of all
his living descendants — The disappointment of
my female cousins — My uncle's behaviour . . 23
CHAPTER FIVE
The schoolmaster uses me barbarously — I form a
project of revenge, in which I am assisted by
my uncle — I leave the village — Am settled at
an university by his generosity 29
CHAPTER SIX
I make great progress in my studies — Am caressed
by everybody — My female cousins take notice
of me — I reject their invitation — They are
incensed, and conspire against me — I am left
destitute by a misfortune that befalls my uncle
— Gawky's treachery — My revenge . ... SI
CHAPTER SEVEN
I am entertained by Mr. Crabb — A description of
him — I acquire the art of surgery — Consult
Crabb's disposition — Become necessary to him
— An accident happens — He advises me to
launch out into the world — Assists me with
money — I set out for London 48
[vi]
CONTENTS
CHAPTER EIGHT
PAGE
I arrive at Newcastle — Meet with my old school-
fellow. Strap — We determine to walk together
to London — Set out on our journey — Put up
at a solitary ale-house — Are disturbed by a
strange adventure in the night 59
CHAPTER NINE
We proceed on our journey — Are overtaken by an
highwayman, who fires at Strap—Is prevented
from shooting me by a company of horsemen,
who ride in pursuit of him — Strap is put to bed
at an inil — Adventures at that inn .... 71
CHAPTER TEN
The highwayman is taken—We are detained as
evidence against him—Proceed to the next
village — He escapes — We arrive at another
inn, where we go to bed — In the night we
are awaked by a dreadful adventure—Next
night we lodge at the house of a schoolmaster
— Our treatment there 80
CHAPTER ELEVEN
We descry the waggon — Get into it—Arrive at
an inn — Our fellow-travellers described — A
mistake is committed by Strap, which produces
strange things 90
[vu]
CONTENTS
CHAPTER TWELVE
PAOB
Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the
combat — An affair between the captain and
me — The usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny
five guineas for a release — We are in danger
of losing a meal — The behaviour of Weazel,
Jenny, and Joey, on that occasion — An ac-
count of Captain Weazel and his lady — The
courage tried — Isaac's mirth at the captain's
expense 102
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Strap and I are terrified by an apparition — Strap's
conjecture — The mystery explained by Joey
— W^ arrive at London — Our dress and ap-
pearairce described— vVe are insulted in the
street — An adventure in an ale-house — We
are imposed upon by a waggish footman — Set
to rights by a tobacconist — Take lodgings
— Dive for a dinner — An accident at our
ordinary 115
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
We visit Strap's friend — A description of him —
His advice — We go to Mr. Cringer's house —
Are denied admittance — An accident befalls
Strap — His behaviour thereupon — An extra-
ordinary adventure occurs, in the course of
which I lose all my money 127
[viii]
CONTENTS
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
PAOB
Strap moralises — Presents his purse to me—We
inform our landlord of my misfortune — He
unravels the mystery — I present myself to
Cringer—He recommends and turns me over
to Mr. Staytape — I beebme acquainted with a
fellow-dependant, who explains the characters
of Cringer and Staytape — And informs me of
the method to be pursued at the Navy OfEce
and Surgeons'Hall — Strap is employed . . 137
a
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
My new acquaintance breaks an appointment — I
proceed by myself to the Navy Office — Ad-
dress myself to a person there, who assists me
with his advice — Write to the Board — They
grant me a letter to the surgeons at the Hall
— Am informed of the beau's name and char-
acter—Find him — He makes me his confi-
dent in an amour — Desires me to pawn my
linen, for his occasions — I recover what I lent
him — Some curious observations of Strap on
that occasion — His vanity 147
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I go to Surgeons' Hall, where I meet with Mr.
Jackson — Am examined — A fierce dispute
arises between two of the examiners—Jack-
son disguises himself to attract respect — Is
detected — In hazard of being sent to Bride-
[ix]
CONTENTS
FAOE
well — He treats us at a tavern — Carries us
to a night house — A troublesome adventure
there — We are committed to the Round
House — Carried before a justice — His be-
haviour l6l
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I carry my qualification to the Navy Office — The
nature of it — The behaviour of the secretary
— Strap's concern for my absence — A battle
between him and a blacksmith — The trouble-
some consequence of it — His harangue to me
— His friend the schoolmaster recommends
me to a French apothecary, who entertains me
as a journeyman 175
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The characters of Mr. Lavement, his wife, and
daughter — Some anecdotes of the family —
The mother and daughter rivals — I am guilty
of a mistake that gives me present satisfaction,
but is attended with troublesome consequences 186
CHAPTER TWENTY
I am assaulted and dangerously wounded — Sus-
pect O'Donnell, and am confirmed in my
opinion — Concert a scheme of revenge, and
put it in execution — O'Donnell robs his own
servant, and disappears — I make my addresses
to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from
her snare I98
[«)
CONTENTS
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
PAOB
Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master —
Is involved in a troublesome affair, out of which
he is extricated by me — He marries my mas-
ter's daughter — They conspire against me —
I am found guilty of theft — Discharged —
Deserted by my friends — I hire a room in
St. Giles's — Where, by accident, I find the
lady to whom I made my addresses in a mis-
erable condition — I relieve her 207
ILLUSTRATIONS
RODERICK RANDOM
Part I
page
Mr. Rifle overtakes Roderick and Strap. (See p. 79)
Frontispiece
The old man enters Roderick's room at the inn .... 116
Part II
Roderick is arrested as a spy 89
Roderick declares himself to Narcissa 188
INTRODUCTION
IT has been often said, and as often denied, that
Roderick Random, at once Smollett's first novel
and first widely successful literary venture, is
autobiographical Because the statement con-
tinues to be made, it is worth while to point out once
more that Roderick Random is so only to a limited
extent. The fact that it is written in the first person
counts of course for nothing; such a method of telling
a story is only a literary device common in the t}^
of novel to which Roderick Rcmdom belongs. The
fact, however, that severed events of Smollett's own
life correspond with events in Random's is not to be
overlooked. The author, like his hero, was a Scotch-
man dependent on the bounty of his grandfather,
an old gentleman of considerable consequence. The
author, too, like his hero, studied medicine, and
when still a youth under twenty went up to London
to make his way in the world, like many of his
countrymen, with little money but much confidence.
Each in pursuit of his profession shipped on a man-
of-war which took part in the mismanaged expedi-
[xv]
INTRODUCTION
tion of the English against Carthagena on the Span-
ish Main in the spring of 1741. Each on his return
to England married a charming young lady and
set up as a fine gentleman. It would not be sur-
prising if Roderick Random after marriage was, like
Dr. Tobias Smollett, inclined to live extravagantly.
It would, on the other hand, be strange if Smollett
himself had not seen on shipboard something of the
horrid inhumanity which he makes Random so graph-
ically describe. It would be strange, too, if in his
wandering, full-blooded young bachelorhood, he had
not met with some of the wild experiences of his hero.
Here, however, the resemblance ends. The author's
grandfather. Sir James Smollett, unlike the hero's,
was rather a benevolent old gentleman to whom his
family always showed respect and some affection. It
was Smollett's father who died in the son's infancy;
it was Random's mother. Smollett met his wife in
Jamaica; Random met his after retmiiing to Eng-
land. Smollett early, made a name for himself as
an author; Random did not. Finally, any one who
takes the trouble to count the incidents in Roderick
Random which are without parallel in Smollett's own
life, will see that they far outnumber those which are
paralleled. The most to be said is that Smollett's
first hero, though in no sense a portrait of the
author, bears some resemblance to him.
In order to do critical justice to Roderick Random
[xvi]
INTRODUCTION
to-day, it is necessary to understand what Smollett
had before him as models when he was composing
this, his first novel, which he gave to the public in
January, 1748. At that time, the most important
works of English prose fiction which could serve
him were the realistic tales of Defoe, that, with all
their vividness, are faulty in construction and charac-
ter-drawing, and Richardson's Pamela and Fielding's
Joseph Andrews. Pamela^ far more conspicuous for
the faults of Richardson than for the excellence
which he displayed in his masterpiece, Clarissa^ is
a crude story whose calculating morahty makes a
reader at last lose much of his sympathy for the
priggish, persecuted heroine. Crude, too, in some
ways, is Fielding's parody of Pamela, Joseph Andrews.
Though the book is fiill of Fielding's vitality, though
here for the first time English prose narrative is
packed with characters of whom every one is a breath-
ing human being, the book seems a little experimen-
tal; it is a sort of tentative holiday trip into a new
realm of art. Even if Fielding was thirty-four when
he wrote it, Joseph Andrews often seems more the
boyish prank of a genius than a mature work. The
author does not appear sure of himself. Not so with
Roderick Random, though Smollett when he wrote
this was not twenty-seven. In spite of its defects,
which criticism of our time cannot overlook, the
book, more than any of its predecessors, is a finished
[ xvii J
INTRODUCTION
novel. Not only are you pleased with its easy style,
but you feel that its author has done what he wanted
to do; and most rational people will agree that the
greater part of it was worth doing.
It does not follow that Roderick Random as a
work of art is almost without faults; far fi«m it:
but the faults are mostly those of the literary t}^
to which it belongs, — the so-called picaresque novel.
This peculiar kind of fiction, which came into exist-
ence in Spain in the sixteenth century, differed
from the old romances of chivalry not so much in
form as in substance. In both, adventure succeeded
adventure till the author apparently got tired of
further additions, and summarily brought the hero
to his destined end. The romances of chivalry,
however, dealt with the fortunes of knights and
ladies, of princes and princesses; the picaresque
novels dealt with those of humble and frequently
vicious characters, and so they gave an entirely new
kind of reading to the world. It was apparently
what much of the world desired. Not only were
the Spanish stories of clever roguery translated into
English; they were also imitated in that tongue by
several authors, —notably by Defoe in the years of
Smollett's boyhood. Besides these Spanish and Eng-
lish tales, Smollett had as a literary model Le Sage's
Gil Bias. A translation of this from SmoUett's pen
appeared in 1749, and in the preface to Roderick
£ xviii ]
INTRODUCTION
Random he acknowledges his indebtedness to this
French writer, whose death had occurred only two
months before, in November, 1747. No author, says
Smollett,has practised more successfully the method of
Cervantes of making romance " assume the sock, and
point out the follies of ordinary life," than Le Sage,
" who, in the adventures of Gil Bias, has described the
knavery and foibles of life with infinite humour and
sagacity. The following sheets I have modelled on his
plan, taking the liberty, however, to differ from him in
the execution,. . ." There can be no question, then,
of Smollett's indebtedness to Le Sage, who was him-
self greatly indebted to the Spanish picaresque stories.
In view of this debt, it would be strange if Rod-
ericTe Random were a firmly constructed novel. It
rambles on, as we might expect, through a series of
adventures which frequently show no better reason
for being strung together than their befalling the
same hero. Moreover, as in the earlier picaresque
novels, no particular reason is apparent for terminat-
ing these adventures other than that the author,
weary of his story, felt it high time that his graceless
hero was settled, which in this case means married.
Accordingly " Rory " Random, who has done nothing
to merit such fortune, finds a long-lost father, pos-
sessed, happily, of riches enough to warrant his son's
marriage with the lovely Narcissa. Nothing could be
*«oi:e undeserved than such a reward, nothing more
[xix]
INTRODUCTION
imexpected than the way it came about. For bilking
his tailor, the hero, who had been living as a sharper
and heiress-hunter, was thrown into prison. Thence,
when Random was plimged into a fit of unmanly
dejection, it happened that his imcle released him in
order to take him on a voyage to South America.
In that remote part of the world, the young man
made the lucky discovery of his father already men-
tioned. And so it is altogether by force of circum-
stances that he settles at last, and not at all through
the growth of his character. Roderick Random is a
novel with the least possible amount of structure.
This discussion brings us to another fault of
Smollett's — the evident complacency with which
he regards his knavish hero; and here again the
author's models are to blame as well as he himself.
"Rory" has wit, good looks, courage, and some
fine feeling, but not enough to excuse his rascality;
nor does one have to be a strait-laced moralist to
feel so. It is not merely that Random, like many
young men whose experience makes them none the
less useful and honourable members of society, goes
through the mill of dissipation to which his natural
appetites lead him. For such shortcomings sanely
charitable people will excuse him. The fatal fault
with this hero is that in his coldest, soberest moments
he has a dull sense of honour. Even when he is deeply
in love with his Narcissa, instead of determining like
[xx] •
INTRODUCTION
a man to leave nothing xindone till he wins her, he
becomes discouraged by the apparent hopelessness
of such an achievement, and tries, but luckily with-
out success, to sell himself as a husband to some
none-too-attractive heiress. Besides, he is always far
too ready to resort to tricks of questionable honesty
or to live on the earnings of his devoted and rather
scantily rewarded follower. Strap. There are rakes
who, one feels certain, will settle down into good
husbands, but Roderick Random is not of these.
Far more excusable than the faultiness of the hero
is the coarseness of Roderick Random^ though it is
doubthil if the latter does not offend as many readers
to-day as the former. An author can make his hero
what he pleases; he has to take contemporary society
as he finds it. If in that society there is much which
is unlovely, the author must either reproduce it, or
give incomplete pictures of his times. The charge
that he errs in this respect cannot be brought against
Smollett; he leaves none of his pictm-es incomplete
through over-refinement. Some novelists have found
the happy medium which, without Smollett's utter
frankness, yet gives a reader the impression that he
is looking on the whole of life. It is a question
whether Smollett could have arrived at this desir-
able mean. If he could, he would have done better
to temper his realism; if not, better his unadorned
truth than misrepresentation. People who are not
[xxi]
INTRODUCTION
unreasonably squeamish like to read of the world
not as it might he, hut as it is; and so, on the
whole, they will he glad of Smollett's accuracy in
describing life of the earlier Georgian days. In
these, one effect of the Hanoverian succession is
plainly visible — the tendency of society to become
coarser than it had been in the two preceding reigns.
The refining influence of a queen regnant had given
place to the vulgarizing influence of royal concubines
imported from Germany. The enthusiasm roused
by the Revolution of 1688 had died out. Ideal-
ism never held less sway in the nation. Accord-
ingly, as we see Smollett's England not only in his
own pages, but in those of contemporary writers and
in the pictures of Hogarth, we feel that his age was
the most brutal of the whole eighteenth century,
which in the days of Good Queen Anne or even of
George III. and Queen Charlotte was not too rehned.
It is not surprising, therefore, that the moral ideals
of Roderick Random are low, that coarseness continu-
ally appears both in action and in speech. Immo-
rality and coarseness, however, it must never be
supposed, are ubiquitous in the novel. They exist
there, as in the actual world, along with much that
is fine — along with the dog-like fidelity of Strap,
the manly honesty of Bowling, the kindly discretion
of Mrs. Sagely, and the virtue of Narcissa. If our
contemporary novelists were as realistic as their
[ xxU ]
INTRODUCTION
eighteenth-century predecessors, some of their pages
— though by no means so many, for refinement is far
greater than it was one hundred and fifty years back
— would be as unsavoury as any of Smollett^
It is evident now that one of the merits of Roder-
ick Random is its realism — a realism which is many-
sided. Not only are the roadside inns real, and the
wanderings along the highways, and the stage-
coaches; so, too, are the gaming-rooms and theatres
and prisons of London; and so, too, is the life on
shipboard, though it is to be hoped that the scenes
which treat of this, like some others, are exaggerated.
Finally in the account of the Carthagena expedition,
there is the grim, red realism of war. No painter
could put on canvas a naval battle which one could
see more distinctly than that described in the thirty-
second chapter of Roderick Random. On deck is
the "infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and
uproar," and below in the cockpit, in all the fright-
ful din produced by the Spanish and the English
guns, the hero works at his post, his shirt-sleeves
tucked up to his arm-pits and his hands dyed in
blood, while wounded men — and occasionally by
mistake dead men — are ceaselessly brought below,
whose arms and legs the fear-crazed and rum-crazed
head-surgeon hews off regardlessly; and the simi-
larly-crazed chaplain, the while, with outrageous
cries, strips himself to the skin, and besmearing
[ xxiii ]
INTRODUCTION
his body with blood, is withheld from running on
deck only when an honest seaman, whose left hand
has just been shot away, knocks the wretch down
with his right hand.
But Roderick Random is more than a succession of
intensely vivid scenes. Except for Joseph Andrews^
no book of the centuiy had contained so many living
characters. Whether you like the hero or not, you
must admit that he is flesh and blood. So is the
cowardly but devoted Strap; so is honest Morgan ;
so is the callous, clever worldling. Banter; so is Beau
Jackson; so is Miss Snapper; so, to a less extent, is
Miss Williams; so are a host of minor characters;
and so above all is the hero's uncle, the bluff seaman
of profane, not to say obscene, tongue, but of true,
kindly heart — good old Tom Bowling. In him,
more than in any other character of the book,
Smollett shows invention. There are plenty of
famous eccentric sea-dogs in English fiction after
Bowling, but no one of equal renown before him.
That Tom Bowling is odd in the extreme suggests
the chief fault to be found with Smollett's characters
both in Roderick Random and in his other stories;
they are frequently so individual as to cease to be at
the same time human types. The reproach brought
against Dickens — whom critics have agreed in call-
ing the nineteenth-century Smollett—may also be
brought against Smollett himself: his people are too
[xxiv ]
INTRODUCTION
often caricatures rather than characters. Even so,
they are immensely diverting. Smollett had a stock
of fim which in his novels seldom if ever deserted
him. Captain Weazel, the military man and ex-
valet, with the giant voice and diminutive grass-
hopper hody, may be an almost impossible character,
hut somehow he is alive, and he and his uproarious
adventures are highly amusing. More amusing yet
is the absent-minded authoress, whose service Random
enters at a low ebb of his fortunes — the single lady
of about forty, whose reason is so apt to desert her
that when she hears the hunt without, she imagines
herself a hare, and sits " squat on her hams on the
floor, in the manner of puss when she listens to the
outcries of her pursuers." Only less fantastic is this
lady in her saner moments. When Random first saw
her, she was sitting in her study in disordered, un-
neat garb, scratching her head with one hand and
holding the stump of a pen in the other. Her speech,
like her appearance, was eccentric, for on recollecting
that her new servant had been shipwrecked, she asked
whether he came on shore on the back of a whale or a
dolphin. Hearing that he swam without assistance,
she asked if he had ever been at the Hellespont, and
swum from Sestos to Abydos. Then, having ordered
a new suit of livery for him," she spit in her snuffbox,
and wiped her nose with her cap, which lay on the
table, instead of a handkerchief."
[ XXV J
INTRODUCTION
Ease of style has already been mentioned as among
the merits of Roderick Random; it is apparent in
reading even one page. Not quite so apparent,
but nevertheless very often present, is a vein of sar-
casm, sometimes playfully humorous, again angrily
fierce. It is fierce in the description of the Cartha-
gena affair, on which occasion, as Smollett says, the
English commanders, instead of making a swift
attack, gave the Spaniards plenty of time to recover
from the terror occasioned by the approach of the
English fleet, scorning in their generosity " to take
any advantage that fortime might give them even
over an enemy." Then with great wisdom the same
commanders chose a camp directly under the walls of
the enemy's fortification, " with a view of axx:ustom-
ing the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet
much used to discipline, most of them having been
taken from the plough tail a few months before."
There is anger, too, but tempered by the pathos of
the situation, in the story of Melopoyn, the poet who
is imprisoned for debt, and of his vain efforts to get
his tragedy presented. Of course this account of the
faithlessness and carelessness of theatre-managers and
patrons owes much of its acrimony to Smollett's fail-
ure to introduce his own Regmde^ the poor tragedy
with which, as a youth of eighteen, he hoped to win
the applause of literary London.
It must be apparent now why, in spite of its
[ xxvi ]
INTRODUCTION
faults, Roderick Random is one of the great English
novels. Though the book is inorganic, its style is
easy and polished, and it is enlivened by delicious
humour and keen satire. Of Smollett, as of Defoe,
it has been justly said that much of his work is clever
reporting, but reporting which preserves the life about
him for all time. In one respect, however, SmoUett's
Roderick Random is far ahead of anything of his
famous predecessor. Most of its characters are
thoroughly alive — sometimes, to be sure, eccentric
to the point of unnaturalness, but even so, vivified
and amusing. And as they pass back and forth,
and smile and scold, and vex and comfort one an-
other, they seem above all things a marvellously
human set of individuals — the more marvellously
so, if one stops to reflect that Smollett was only
twenty-six when he created them. They may not
be people with whom it is well for every youthful
reader to come in contact; we might like them better
if they exchanged some of their rationalism for ideal-
ism; but even taking them just as they are, we find
in their life, with aU its roughness, a stimulating
robustness which is in wholesome contrast to the
rather morbid and effeminate spirituality of some
later fiction.
G. H. Maykasieb.
£ zxvii J
THE PREFACE
OF all kinds of satire, there is none so en-
tertaining and universally improving, as
that which is introduced, as it were, oc-
casionally, in the course of an interesting
story, which brings every incident home to life; and,
by representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and
amusing point of view, invests them with all the
graces of novelty, while nature is appealed to in
every particular.
The reader gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the
adventiures of a person in whose favour he is pre-
pos^sed; he espouses his cause, he sympathises with
him in distress; his indignation is heated against the
authors of his calamity; the humane passions are in-
flamed; the contrast between dejected virtue lind
insulting vice appears with greater aggravation;
and every impression having a double force on the
imagination, the memory retains the circumstance,
and the heart improves by the example. The atten-
tion is not tired with a bare catalogue of characters,
but agreeably diverted with all the variety of inven-
[xxix]
THE PREFACE
tion; and the vicissitudes of life appear in their pe-
culiar circumstances, opening an ample field for wit
and humour.
Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance,
vanity, and superstition. In the dark ages of the
world, when a man had rendered himself famous for
wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed
themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his
virtues, and represented his character and person as
sacred and supernatural. The vulgar easily swal-
lowed the bait, implored his protection, and yielded
the tribute of homage and praise even to adoration;
his exploits were handed down to posterity with a
thousand exaggerations; they were repeated as in-
citements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and
altars erected to his memory, for the encouragement
of those who attempted to imitate his example; and
hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no
other than a collection of extravagant romances.
As learning advanced, and genius received cultiva-
tion, these stories were embellished with the graces
of poetry; that they might the better recommend
themselves to the attention, they were sung in pub-
lie, at festivals, for the instruction and delight of the
audience; and rehearsed before battle, as incentives
to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse
were bom, and, in the progress of taste, arrived
at perfection. It is no wonder that the ancients
[xxx J
THE PREFACE
could not relish a fable in prose, after they had
seen so many remarkable events celebrated in
verse, by their best poets; we, therefore, find no
romance among them, during the era of their excel-
lence, unless the Cyropaidia of Xenophon may be
so called; and it was not till arts and sciences began
to revive, after the irruption of the Barbarians into
Europe, that anything of this kind appeared. But
when the minds of men were debauched, by the im-
position of priestcraft, to the most absurd pitch of
credulity, the authors of romance arose, «uid, losing
sight of probability, filled their performances with the
most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not equal
the ancient poets in point of genius, they were re-
solved to excel them in fiction, and apply to the
wonder rather than the judgment of their readers.
Accordingly they brought necromancy to their aid,
and instead of supporting the character of their
heroes by dignity of sentiment and practice, dis-
tinguished them by their bodily strength, activity,
and extravagance of behaviour. Although nothing
could be more ludicrous and unnatural than the fig-
ures they drew, they did not want patrons and ad-
mirers, and the world actually began to be infected
with the spirit of knight-errantry, when Cervantes,
by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed the taste
of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point
of view, and converting romance to purposes far
[xxxi]
THE PREFACE
more useful and entertaining, by making it assume
the sock, and point out the follies of ordinary
life.
The same method has been practised by other
Spanish and French authors, and by none more
successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his
Adventures of GU Bias, has described the knavery
and foibles of life, with infinite humour and sagacity.
The following sheets I have modelled on his plan,
taking the liberty, however, to differ from Him in the
execution, where I thought his particular situations
were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the
country in which the scene is laid. The disgraces
of Gil'* Bias are, for the most part, such as rather
excite mirth than compassion : he himself laughs at
them; and his transitions H-om distress to happiness,
or at least ease, are so sudden, that neither the reader
has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted
with affliction. This conduct, in my opinion, not
only deviates from probability, but prevents that
generous indignation which ought to animate the
reader against the sordid and vicious disposition of
the world.
I have attempted to represent modest merit strug-
gling with every difficulty to which a friendless orphan
is exposed, from his own want of experience, as well
as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base indif-
ference of mankind. To secure a favourable prepos-
[ xxxil ]
THE PREFACE
session, I have allowed him the advantages of birth
and education, which, in the series of his misfortunes,
will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in
his behalf; and though I foresee that some people
will be offended at the mean scenes in which he
is involved, I persuade myself the judicious will not
only perceive the necessity of describing those situa-
tions to which he must of course be confined, in his
low state, but also find entertainment in viewing
those parts of life, where the humours and passions
are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or edu-
cation; and the whimsical peculiarities of dispo-
sition appear as nature has implanted them. But
I believe I need not trouble myself in vindicating
a practice authorised by the best writers in this way,
some of whom I have already named.
Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, per-
ceive I have not deviated from nature in the facts,
which are all true in the main, although the circum-
stances are altered and disguised, to avoid personal
satire.
It now remains to give my reasons for making the
chief personage of this work a North Briton; which
are chiefly these: I could at a small expense bestow
on him such education as I thought the dignity of
his birth and character required, which could not
possibly 'be obtained in England, by such slender
means as the nature of my plan would afford. In
[ xxxiii ]
THE PREFACE
the next place, I could represent simplicity of man-
ners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more
propriety than in any other place near the capital;
and, lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to
travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adven-
turer from that country.
That the delicate reader may not be offended at
the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths
of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to
premise, that I imagined nothing could more effectu-
ally expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives,
than a natural and verbal representation of the dis-
course in which they occur.
[ xxxiv j
APOLOGUE
A YOUNG painter, indulging a vein of
pleasantry, sketched a kind of conversa-
tion-piece, representing a bear, an owl,
a monkey, and an ass; and to render it
more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished
every figure by some emblem of human life.
Bruin was exhibited in the garb and attitude of an
old, toothless, drunken soldier; the owl, perched
upon the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacles on
his nose, seemed to contemplate a newspaper; and
the ass, ornamented with a huge tye-wig (which,
however, could not conceal his long ears), sat for his
picture to the monkey, who appeared with the im- >
plements of painting. This whimsical group afforded
some mirth, and met with general approbation, until
some mischievous wag hinted that the whole was a
lampoon upon the friends of the performer; an in-
sinuation which was no sooner circulated, than those
very people who applauded it before began to be
alarmed, and even to fancy themselves signified by
the several figures of the piece.
[rav]
APOLOGUE
Among others, a worthy personage in years, who
had served in the army with reputation, being in-
censed at the supposed outrage, repaired to the lodg-
ings of the painter, and, finding him at home," Hark
ye, Mr. Monkey," said he, " I have a good mind to
convince you, that though the bear has lost his teeth,
he retains his paws, and that he is not so drunk but
he can perceive your impertinence—'Sblood! sir,
that toothless jaw is a d—ned scandalous libel — but
don't you imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able
to chew the cud of resentment." Here he was inter-
rupted by the arrival of a learned physician, who,
advancing to the culprit with fury in his aspect,
exclaimed, "Suppose the augmentation of the ass's
ears should prove the diminution of the baboon's —
nay, seek not to prevaricate, for by the beard of
Esculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig that
will not stand up in judgment to convict thee of
personal abuse. — Do but observe, captain, how this
pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls — the
colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and
foretop are quite similar." While he thus remon-
strated in a strain of vociferation, a venerable senator
entered, and waddling up to the delinquent, " Jacka-
napes!" cried he, " I will now let thee see I can read
something else than a newspaper, and that, without
the help of spectacles—here is your own note of hand,
sirrah, for money which, if I had not advanced, you
[ xxxvi ]
APOLOGUE
yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring
to show your face by day, you ungrateful slanderous
knave!"
«
In vain the astonished painter declared that he had
no intention to give offence, or to characterise partic-
ular persons: they affirmed the resemblance was too
palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him with in-
solence, malice, and ingratitude; and their clamours
being overheard by the public, the captain was a
bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator an owl, to
his dying day.
Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of
the Lord, remember this example while thou art em-
ployed in the perusal of the following sheets; and
seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally
belongs to five hundred different people. If thou
shouldst meet with a character that reflects thee in
some ungracious particular, keep thy own counsel;
consider that one feature makes not a face, and that,
though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle
nose, twenty of thy neighbours may be in tbe same
predicament.
f xxxvii ]
THE ADVENTURES of
RODERICK RANDOM
CHAPTER ONE
OF MY BIRTH AND PARENTAGE.
I WAS bom in the northem part of this united
kingdom, in the house of my grandfather; a
gentleman of considerable fortune and influ-
ence, who had, on many occasions, signalised
himself in behalf of his country; and was remarkable
for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with
great success, in the station of a judge, particularly
against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.
My father, his youngest son, falling in love with a
poor relation, who lived with the old gentleman in
quality of housekeeper, espoused her privately; and'
I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her
pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much,
that her husband, tired with her importunity, at last
consulted a Highland seer, whose favourable inter-
pretation he would have secured beforehand by a
bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed
she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil
VOL. I. — 1 [13
RODERICK RANDOM
(who, to her great surprise, acted the part of mid-
wife) struck so forcibly with a racket, that it disap-
peared in an instant; and she was for some time
inconsolable for the loss of her offspring; when all
of a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence,
and enter the earth beneath her feet, whence immedi-
ately sprung up a goodly tree covered with blossoms,
the scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves,
that she awoke. The attentive sage, after some
deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn
would be a great traveller; that he would undergo
many dangers and difficulties, and at last return to
his native land, where he would flourish in happiness
and reputation. How truly this was foretold, will
appear in the sequeL
It was not long before some officious person in-
formed my grandfather of certain familiarities that
passed between his son and housekeeper, which
alarmed him so much, that a few days after, he told
my father it was high time for him to think of set-
tling; and that he had provided a match for him, to
which he could in justice have no objections. My
father, finding it would be impossible to conceal his
situation much longer, frankly owned what he had
done, and excused himself for not having asked the
consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would
have been to no purpose; and that, had his inclina-
tion been known, my grandfather might have taken
[2]
HIS BIRTH AND PARENTAGE
such measures as would have effectually put the
gratification of it out of his power. He added, that
no exceptions could be taken to his wife^s virtue,
birth, beauty, and good sense; and as for fortune, it
was beneath his care. The old gentleman, who kept
all his passions, except one, in excellent order, heard
him to an end with great temper; and then calmly
asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and
spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger
of wanting, while his father''s tenderness remained,
which he and his wife should always cultivate with
the utmost veneration; that he was persuaded his
allowance would be suitable to the dignity and cir-
cumstances of his family, and to the provision already
made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily
settled under his protection. "Your brothers and
sisters,^ said my grandfather, " did not think it be-
neath them to consult me in an affair of such impor-
tance as matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you
have omitted that piece of duty, had not you some
secret fund in reserve, to the comforts of which I
leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek
out another habitation for yourself and wife, whither,
in a short time, I will send you an account of the
expense I have been at in your education, with a
view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the
grand tour;—you are a polite gentleman, — a very
pretty gentleman; — I wish you a great deal of joy,
[3]
RODERICK RANDOM
and am your very humble servant." So saying, he
left my father in a situation easily imagined.
However, he did not long hesitate; for, being per-
fectly well acquainted with his father's disposition,
he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence
to get rid of him; and his resolves being invariable
as the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it
would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers
and entreaties; so, without any further application,
he betook himself, with his disconsolate bedfellow, to
a farmhouse, where an old servant of his mother
dwelt. There they remained for some time in a
situation but iU adapted to the elegance of their
desires, and tenderness of their love; which, never-
theless, my father chose to endure, rather than sup-
plicate an unnatural and inflexible parent. But my
mother, foreseeing the inconvenience to which she
must have been exposed, had she been delivered in
this place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced),
without communicating her design to her husband,
went in disguise to the house of my grandfather,
hoping that her tears and condition would move him
to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which
was now irrevocably past. She found means to
deceive the servants, and was introduced as an un-
fortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some
matrimonial grievances; it being my grandfather's
particular province to decide in all cases of scandal
[4]
HIS BIRTH AND PARENTAGE
She was accordingly admitted into his presence;
where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in
the most affecting ^manner implored his forgi veness;
at the same time representing the danger that
threatened not only her life, but that of his own
grandchild, which was about to see the light.
He told her, he was sorry that the indiscretion of
her and his son had compelled him to make a vow,
which put it out of his power to give them any assist-
ance; that he had already imparted his thoughts on
that subject to her husband, and was surprised that
they should disturb his peace with any further im-
portunity. This said, he retired. The violence of
my mother's affliction had such an effect on her con-
stitution, that she was immediately seized with the
pains of childbed; and had not an old maid-servant,
to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity and
assistance, at the hazard of incurring my grand-
father's displeasure, she and the innocent finiit of her
womb must have fallen miserable victims to his
rigour and inhumanity. By the friendship of this
poor woman, she was carried up to a garret, and
immediately delivered of a man-child, the story of
whose unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My
father, being informed of what had happened, flew
to the embraces of his darling spouse, and, while he
loaded his offspring with paternal caresses, could
not forbear shedding a flood of tears, on beholding
[5]
RODERICK RANDOM
the dear partner of his heart, for whose ease he would
have sacrificed the treasures of the East, stretched
upon a flock bed in a miserable apartment, unable to
protect her from the inclemencies of the weather.
It is not to be supposed, that the old gentleman was
ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know
nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very
much surprised, when one of his grandchildren, by
his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his
heir-apparent, acquainted him with the affair. He
determined, therefore, to observe no medium, but
immediately, on the third day after her delivery,
sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned
off the servant who had preserved her life.
This behaviour so exasperated my father, that he
had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations;
and, on his bare knees, implored that heaven would
renounce him, if ever he should forget or forgive the
barbarity of his sire. The injuries which this un-
happy mother received from her removal in such
circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she
lodg^, together with her grief and anxiety of mind,
soon threw her into a languishing disorder, which
put an end to her life. My father, who loved her
tenderly, was so affected with her death, that he
remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during
which time, the people where he lodged carried the
infant to the old man, who relented so far, on hear-
1 6 1
HIS BIRTH AND PARENTAGE
ing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law's
death, and the deplorable condition of his son, as to
send the child to nurse; and he ordered my father
to be carried home to his house, where he soon
recovered the use of his reason. Whether this
hard-hearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel
treatment of his son and daughter, or (which is more
probable) was afraid his character would suffer in
the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his
conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded
by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length
he disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable
inquiry, could not be heard of; a circumstance
which confirmed most people in the opinion of his
having made away with himself in a fit of despair.
How I understood the particulars of my birth, will
appear in the course of these memoirs.
CHAPTER TWO
1 GROW UP AM HATED BY MY RELATIONS — SENT
TO SCHOOL NEGLECTED BY MY GRANDFATHER
MALTREATED BY MY MASTER SEASONED TO
ADVERSITY I FORM CABALS AGAINST THE PE-
DANT AM DEBARRED ACCESS TO MY GRAND-
FATHER HUNTED BY HIS HEIR 1 DEMOLISH
THE TEETH OF HIS TUTOR.
There were not wanting some who sus-
pected my uncles of being concerned in
my father''s fate, on the supposition that
they would all share in the patrimony
destined for him; and this conjecture was strength-
ened by reflecting, that, in all his calamities, they
never discovered the least inclination to serve him;
but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their
power, fed his father's resentment, and supported his
resolution of leaving him to misery and wane. But
people of judgment treated this situation as an idle
chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked
as to consult their interest by committing such an
atrocious crime, the fate of my father would have
extended to me too, whose life was another obstacle
to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace; and
[8]
SENT TO SCHOOL
as I strongly resembled my father, who was the dar-
ling of the tenants, I wanted nothing, which their
indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour
was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my
cousins; who, the more my infancy promised, con-
ceived the more implacable hatred against me; and,
before I was six years of age, had so effectually
blockaded my grandfather, that I never saw him but
by stealth; when I sometimes made up to his chair,
as he sat to view his labourers in the field: on which
occasions, he would stroke my head, bid me be a
good boy, and promise to take care of me. I was
soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of
which he had been dictator time out of mind; but
as he neither paid for my board, nor supplied me
with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required,
my condition was very ragged and contemptible;
and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my
grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no con-
cem about the progress I made under his instruction.
In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I
became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and
as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my
grandfather with letters to such a degree, that he
sent for my master, and chid him severely for be-
stowing such pains on my education, telling him,
that if ever T. should be brought to the gallows for
forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my
[9J
RODERICK RANDOM
blood would lie on his head. The pedant, who
dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his
patron, assured his honour, that the boy's ability was
more owing to his own genius and application, than
to any instruction or encouragement he received;
that, although he could not divest him of the knowl-
edge he had alresuiy imbibed, unless he would em-
power him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour,
with God's help, to prevent his future improvement.
And, indeed, he punctually performed what he had
undertaken; for, on pretence that I had writ imper-
tinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board
to be made with five holes in it, through which he
thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and
fastened it with whip-cord to my wrist, in such a
manner as effectually debarred me the use of my pen.
But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by
an accident which happened in a quarrel between me
and another boy, who, taking upon him to insult my
poverty, I was so incensed at his ungenerous reproach,
that, with one stroke of my machine, I cut him to
the skull, to the great terror of myself and school-
fellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and
ran to inform the master of what had happened. I
was so severely punished for this trespass, that, were
I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression it
made on me would not be effaced; no more than the
antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless
[10]
MALTREATED BY HIS MASTER
tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my
appearance naturally produced in all who saw me,
the continual wants to which I was exposed, and my
own haughty disposition, impatient of af&onts, in-
volved me in a thousand troublesome adventures, by
which I was at length inured to adversity, and em-
boldened to undertakings far above my years. I was
often inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not com-
mit; because, having the character of a vagabond in
the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found
guilty of robbing orchards I never entered, of killing
cats I never hurted, of stealing gingerbread I never
touched, and of abusing old women I never saw.
Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough
to persuade my master that I fired a pistol, loaded
with small shot, into his window; though my land-
lady and the whole family bore witness that I was
a-bed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was
committed. I was once flogged for having narrowly
escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry-boat in
which I was passenger; another time for having re-
covered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and cart
running over me; a third time for being bit by a
baker's dog. In short, whether I was guilty or un-
fortunate, the correction and sympathy of this arbi-
trary pedagogue were the same.
Far from being subdued by this infernal usage, my
[11]
RODERICK RANDOM
indignation triumphed over that slavish awe which
had hitherto enforced* my obedience; and the more
my years and knowledge increased, the more I per-
ceived the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour.
By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice
and direction of our usher, who had served my father
in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the
classics, writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I
was twelve years old, I was allowed by everybody to
be the best scholar in the school. This qualification,
together with a boldness of temper, and strength of
make, which had subjected almost all my contempo-
raries, gave me such influence over them, that I began
to form cabals against my persecutor, and was in
hopes of being able to bid him defiance in a very
short time. Being at the head of a faction consist-
ing of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I
was determined to put their metal to trial, that I
might know how far they were to be depended upon,
before I put my grand scheme in execution: with
this view, we attacked a body of stout apprentices,
who had taken possession of a part of the ground
allotted to us for the scene of our diversions, and
who were then playing at nine-pins on the spot: but
I had the mortification to see my adherents routed in
an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his
flight, by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had
detached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not
[12]
HE FORMS CABALS
hinder us from engaging them afterwards in frequent
skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones
at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the
scars of which still remain. Our enemies were so
harassed and interrupted by these alarms, that they
at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to the
peaceable enjoyment of our own territories. It would
be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in
the course of this confederacy, which became the
terror of the whole village; insomuch, that when
different interests divided it, one of the parties com-
monly courted the assistance of Roderick Random
(by which name I was known), to cast the balance,
and keep the opposite faction in awe.
Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day
to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I
seldom found access, by reason of his being closely
besieged by a numerous family of his female grand-
children, who, though they perpetually quarrelled
among themselves, never failed to join against me, as
the common enemy of all. His heir, who was about
the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting,
and, indeed, was qualified for nothing else, notwith-
standing his grandfather's indulgence, in entertaining
a tutor for him at home, who at the same time per-
formed the office of parish-clerk. This young Actaeon,
who inherited his grandfather's antipathy to every-
thing in distress, never set eyes on me, without un-
[18]
#
RODERICK RANDOM
coupling his beagles, and hunting me into some
cottage or other, whither I generally fled for shelter.
In this Christian amusement, he was encouraged by
his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities
to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing
that the old gentleman, according to the course of
nature, had not long to live, for he was already on
the verge of fourscore. The behaviour of this rascally
sycophant incensed me so much, that one day, when
I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer^s
house, where I had found protection, I took aim at
him (being an excellent marksman) with a large
pebble, which struck out four of his fore-teeth, and
effectually incapacitated him for doing the office of a
clerk.
I 14 J
0
CHAPTER THREE
MY MOTHER'S BROTHER ARRIVES RELIEVES ME A
DESCRIFTTON OF HIM HE GOES ALONG WITH ME
TO THE HOUSE OF MY GRANDFATHER IS EN-
COUNTERED BY HIS DOGS DEFEATS THEM, AFTER
A BLOODY ENGAGEMENT IS ADMITTED TO THE
OLD GENTLEMAN — A DIALOGUE BETWEEN THEM.
ABOXJT this time, my mother's only brother,
who had been long abroad, lieutenant of
a man-of-war, arrived in his own country;
■ where, being informed of my condition,
he came to see me, and, out of his slender finances,
not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted
for the present, but resolved not to leave the country
until he had prevailed on my grandfather to settle
something handsome on me for the future. This was
a task to which he was by no means equal, being en-
tirely ignorant, not only of the judge's disposition,
hut also unacquainted with the ways of men in gen-
eral, to which his education on board had kept him
an utter stranger. He was a strong built man,
somewhat bandy-legged, with a neck like that of
[15]
RODERICK RANDOM .
a bull, and a face which, you might easily per*
ceive, had withstood the most obstinate assaults of
the weather. His dress consisted of a soldier's coat,
altered for him by the ship's tailor, a striped flannel
jacket, a pair of red breeches, japanned with pitch,
clean grey worsted stockings, large silver buckles,
that covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced
hat, whose crown overlooked the brims about an
inch and a half, a black bob wig in buckle, a check
shirt, a silk handkerchief, an hanger with a brass
handle, girded to his thigh by a tarnished laced belt,
and a good oak plant under his arm.
Thus equipped, he set out with me (who, by his
bounty, made a very decent appearance,) for my
grandfather's house, where we were saluted by Jowler
and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master, had let
loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with
the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to take my-
self to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one
hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, and at
one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the ground; but
finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear
by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew
his hanger, wheeled about, and, by a lucky stroke,
severed Jowler's head from his body. By this time
the young fox-hunter and three servants, armed with
pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of
the dogs, whom they found breathless upon the
VISIT TO HIS GRANDFATHER
field; and my cousin was so provoked at the death
of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to
advance and take vengeance on their executioner,
whom he loaded with all the curses and reproaches
his anger could suggest. . Upon which my uncle
stepped forward with an undaunted air, at the
sight of whose bloody weapon his antagonists fell
back with precipitation, when he accosted their leader
thus; "Lookee, brother, your dogs have boarded
me without provocation; what I did was in my
own defence. So you had best be civil, and let
us shoot ahead clear of you.* AVhether the young
squire misinterpreted my uncle's desire of peace, or
was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his
usual pitch of resolution, I know not; but he
snatched a flail from one of his followers, and
came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant,
who, putting himself in a posture of defence, pro-
ceeded thus: " Lookee, you lubberly son of a w—e,
if you come athwart me, 'ware your gingerbread
work ; I '11 be foul of your quarter, d—n me."
This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger,
seemed to check the progress of the young gentle-
man's choler, who, looking behind him, perceived
his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the
gate, and left him to decide the contention by him-
self. Here a parley ensued, which was introduced
by my cousin's asking, " Who the d—1 are you ?
VOL. I. — 2 [ }
RODERICK RANDOM
What do you want ? — Some scoundrel of a seaman,
I suppose, who has deserted, and turned thief. But
don't think you shall escape, sirrah; I'll have you
hanged, you dog, I will; your blood shall pay for that
of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have
parted with them to save your whole generation from
the gallows, you ruffian, you." " None of your jaw.
you swab — none of your jaw," replied my uncle —
" else I shall trim your laced jacket for you — I shall
rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy — I
shall."
So saying, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped his
cudgel. Meanwhile, the people of the house being
alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window,
and asked what was the matter? "The matter!"
answered the lieutenant, "no great matter, young ,
woman. I have business with the old gentleman,
and this spark, belike, won't allow me to come
alongside of him, that's all." After a few min-
utes' pause, we were admitted, and conducted to my
grandfather's chamber, through a lane of my rela-
tions, who honoured me with very significant looks,
as I passed along. When we came into the judge's
presence, my uncle, after two or three sea-bows,
expressed himself in this manner: "Your servant
— your servant. What cheer, father ? — what
cheer ? — I suppose you don't know me — mayhap
you don't. My name is Tom Bowling; and this
[18]
VISIT TO HIS GRANDFATHER
here boy — you look as if you did not know him
neither; 'tis like you mayn't. He's new rigg'd,
i' faith; his cloth don't shake in the wind so much
as it wont to do. 'Tis my nephew, d'ye see,
Roderick Random — your own flesh and hlood, old
gentleman. Don't lag astern, you dog" (pulling
me forward). My grandfather, who was laid up
with the gout, received this relation, after his long
absence, with that coldness of civility which was
peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him,
and desired him to sit down. " Thank ye, thank ye,
sir, I had as lief stand," said my uncle. " For my
own part, I desire nothing of you; hut if you have
any conscience at all, do something for this poor
hoy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate.
Unchristian, do I call it? I am sure the Moors in
Barhary have more humanity than to leave their
little ones to want. I would fain know why my
sister's son is more neglected than that there fair-
weather Jack," (pointing to the young squire, who,
with the rest of my cousins, had followed us into
the room). " Is not he as near akin to you as the
other ? Is not he much handsomer and better built
than that great chucklehead ? Come, come — con-
sider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time
to give an account of your evil actions. Remember
the wrongs you did his father; and make all the
satisfaction in your power, before it be too late.
[19]
RODERICK RANDOM
The least thing you can do is to settle his father's
portion on him."
The young ladies, who thought themselves too
much concerned to contain themselves any longer,
set up their throats all together against my pro-
tector: Scurvy companion — saucy tarpaulin —
rude, impertinent fellow — did he think to pre-
scribe to grandpapa? His sister's brat had been
too well taken care of; grandpapa was too just not
to make a difference between an unnatural rebellious
son, and his dutiful loving children, who took hfc
advice in all things" — and such expressions, were
Vented against him with great violence, until the
judge at length commanded silence. He calmly
rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour,
which he said he would excuse, on account of his
education. He told him he had been very kind
to the boy, whom he had kept to school seven or
eight years, although he was informed he made
no progress in his learning, but was addicted to all
manner of vice; which he rather believed, because
he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of mis-
chief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain.
But, however, he would see what the lad was fit for,
and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman
or other, provided he would mend his manners, and
behave for the future as became him.
The honest tar, whose pride and indignation boiled
[20]
VISIT TO HIS GRANDFATHER
within him, answered my grandfather, that it was
true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him
nothing; for he had never been at one shilling ex-
pense to furnish him with food, raiment, books, or
other necessaries; so that it was not to be much won-
dered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet,
whoever told him so, was a lying lubberly rascal, and
deserved to be keelhauled. For though he (the lieu-
tenant) did not understand those matters himself, he
was well informed as how Rory was the best scholar of
his age in all the country; the truth of which he would
maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-year's
pay on the boy's head; (with these words, he pulled
out his purse, and challenged the company). " Neither
is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather left
like a wreck, d' ye see, at the mercy of the wind and
weather by your neglect, old gentleman. As for
what happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry
that he did not knock out the scoundrel's brains,
instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up
with him, he had better be in Greenland — that's all.
Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the
lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would
make a tailor of him — would you? I had rather
see him hanged, d' ye see. Come along, Rory, I per-
ceive how the land lies, my boy; let's tack about —
i'faith, while I have a shilling, thou shan't want a
tester, B'wye, old gentleman, you 're bound for the
RODERICK RANDOM
other world, but I believe damnably ill provided for
the voyage." Thus ended our visit, and we returned
to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way
against the old shark and the young fry that sur-
rounded him.
[«]
CHAPTER FOUR
MY aRANDFATHEE MAKES HIS WILL OUR SECOND Visn
HE DIES HIS WILL IS READ IN PRESENCE OF
ALL HIS LIVING DESCENDANTS THE DISAPPOINT-
MENT OF MY FEMALE COUSINS MY UNCLE'S BE-
HAVIOUR.
A FEW weeks after our first visit, we were
informed that the old judge, at the end
of a fit of thoughtfulness which lasted
three days, had sent for a notary, and
made his will; that the distemper had mounted from
his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious of his
approaching end, he had desired to see all his de-
scendants without exception. In obedience to this
summons, my uncle set out with me a second time,
to receive the last benediction of my grandfather;
often repeating by the road, " Ey, ey, we have
brought up the old hulk at last. You shall see, —
you shall see the effect of my admonition." When
we entered his chamber, which was crowded with his
relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we
found him in his last agonies, supported by two of
his granddaughters, who sat on each side of him,
(23]
RODERICK RANDOM
sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth
and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they
frequently kissed with a show of great anguish and
affection. My uncle approached him with these
words: " What! he's not aweigh ? How fare ye,
old gentleman ? — Lord have mercy upon your poor
sinful soul." Upon which the dying man turned his
languid eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on.
" Here's poor Rory come to see you before you die,
and receive your blessing. What, man ! don't des-
pair, — you have been a great sinner, 't is true, what
then? There's a righteous judge above, — a'nt
there? — He minds me no more than a porpoise
Yes, yes, he's agoing, — the land crabs will have him,
I see that, — his anchor's apeak, i'faith."
This homely consolation scandalised the company
so much, and especially the parson, who probably
thought his province invaded, that we were obliged
to retire into the other room, where, in a few minutes,
we were convinced of my grandfather's decease, by a
dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apart-
ment; whither we immediately hastened, and found
his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet,
under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking,
with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his
grandpapa was certainly dead ? — " Dead!" says my
uncle, looking at the body, " ay, ay, I '11 warrant him
as dead as a herring. Odds fish • now my dream is
[24]
DEATH OF HIS GRANDFATHER
out for all the world. I thought I stood upon the
forecastle, and saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of
a dead shark that floated alongside, and the devil
perching on our sprit-sail yard, in the likeness of a
blue bear, — who, d'ye see, jumped overboard upon
the carcass, and carried it to the bottom in his claws."
" Out upon thee, reprobate!" cries the parson, " out
upon thee, blasphemous wretch ! — Dost thou think
his honour's soul is in the possession of Satan ? " The
clamour immediately arose, and my poor uncle, being
shouldered from one corner of the room to the other,
was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear
he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew
who had a title to send him adrift. " None of your
tricks upon travellers," said he; " mayhap old buff
has left my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will
be the better for his miserable soul. Odds bob ! I'd
desire no better news. I'd soon make him a clear
ship, I wan'ant you." To avoid any further disturb-
ance, one of my grandfather's executors, who was
present, assured Mr. Bowling that his nephew should
have all manner of justice; that a day should be
appointed, after the funeral, for examining the papers
of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till
which time every desk and cabinet in the house
should remain close sealed; and that he was very
welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was
immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the
[25]
RODERICK RANDOM
meantime, orders were given to provide mourning for
all the relations, in which number I was included:
but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of it,
until I should be assured whether or not I had reason
to honour his memory so far.
During this interval, the conjectures of people, with
regard to the old gentleman's will, were various. As
it was well known he had, besides his landed estate,
which was worth =£'700 per annum, six or seven thou-
sand pounds at interest, some imagined, that the
whole real estate (which he had greatly improved)
would go to the young man whom he always enter-
tained as his heir; and that the money would be
equally divided between my female cousins (five in
number) and me. Others were of opinion, that as
the rest of his children had been already provided
for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred
pounds to each of his granddaughters, and leave the
bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural
usage of my father. At length the important hour
arrived, and the will was produced in the midst of
the expectants, whose looks and gestures formed a
group that would have been very entertaining to an
unconcerned spectator. But the reader can scarce
conceive the astonishment and mortification that ap-
peared, when the attorney pronounced aloud, the
young squire sole heir of all his grandfather's estate,
personal and real. My uncle, who had listened with
[86]
READING THE WILL
great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all
the while, accompanied these words of the attorney
with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the whole
assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female com-
petitors, who had been always very officious about
my grandfather^s person, inquired with a faltering
accent, and visage as yellow as an orange, " If there
were no legacies ? " and was answered, " None at all."
Upon which she fainted away. The rest, whose
expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, sup-
ported their disappointment with more resolution;
though not without giving evident marks of indigna-
tion, and grief at least as genuine as that which
appeared in them at the old gentleman'*s death. My
conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some
time against the wainscot, began: "So there''s no
legacy, friend, ha! — here's an old succubus; — but
somebody's soul howls for it, d—n me!" The parson
of the parish, who was one of the executors, and
had acted as ghostly director to the old man, no
sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out,
" Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! — wilt thou
not allow the soul of his honour to rest in peace ?"
But this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly
seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who
now joined my uncle against him, and accused him
of having acted the part of a busy-body with their
grandpapa, whose ears he had certainly abused by
t«r]
RODERICK RANDOM
false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not
have neglected them in such an unnatural manner.
The young squire was much diverted with this
scene, and whispered to my uncle, that, if he had
not murdered his dogs, he would have shown him
glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he termed
the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who was not
in an humour to relish this amusement, replied,
'You and your dogs may be d—d; I suppose you '11
/:nd them with your old dad, in the latitude of hell.
Come, Rory — about ship, my lad, — we must steer
another course, I think."— And away we went.
[88]
CHAPTER FIVE
THE SCHOOLMASTER USES ME BARBAROUSLY 1 FORM A
PROJECT OF REVENGE, IN WHICH I AM ASSISTED
BY MY UNCLE — I LEAVE THE VILLAGE — AM SET^
TLED AT AN UNIVERSITY BY HIS GENEROSITY.
ON our way back to the village, my uncle
spoke not a word during the space of a
whole hour, but whistled, with great
vehemence, the tune of "Why should
we quarrel for riches," etc., his visage being con-
^4racted all the while into a most formidable frown.
At length his pace increased to such a degree, that I
was left behind a considerable way. Then he waited
for me; and, when I was almost up with him, called
out in a surly tone, " Bear a hand, damme! must I
bring-to every minute for you, you lazy dog.?"
Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me
along, until his good nature, of which he had a great
share, and reflection getting the better of his passion,
he said, " Come, my boy, don't be cast down, — the
old rascal is in hell,:—that's some satisfaction; you
shall go to sea with me, my lad. — 'A light heart
and a thin pair of breeches goes through the world,
[»]
RODERICK RANDOM
brave boys,* as the song goes, eh!" Though this
proposal did not at'all suit my inclination, I was
afraid of discovering any aversion to it, lest I should
disoblige the only friend I had in the world; and he
was so much a seaman, that he never dreamt I could
have any objection to his design, consequently gave
himself no trouble in consulting my approbation.
But this resolution was soon dropt, by the advice of
our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be a
thousand pities to balk my genius, which would cer-
tainly, one day, make my fortune on shore, provided
it received due cultivation. Upon which this gener-
ous tar determined, though he could ill afford it, to
give me university education; and accordingly settled
my board and other expenses, at a town not many
miles distant, famous for its colleges, whither we re-
paired in a short time. But, before the day of our
departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the
fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all
decency and restraint, and not only abused me in the
grossest language his rancour could suggest, as a
wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he
had taught out of charity; but also inveighed in the
most bitter manner eigainst the memory of the judge,
(who, by the by, had procured that settlement for
him,) hinting in pretty plain terms, that the old
gentleman's soul was damn'd to all eternity, for his
injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning.
[30]
PLOT AGAINST SCHOOLMASTER
This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I
had formerly undergone, made me think it high time
to be revenged of this insolent pedagogue. Having
consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in
their promises to stand by me; and our scheme was
this: in the afternoon preceding the day, of my de-
parture for the university, I resolved to take the
advantage of the usher's going out to make water,
which he regularly did at four o'clock, and shut the
great door, that he might not come to the assistance
of his superior. This being done, the assault was to
be begun, by my advancing to my master, and spit-
ting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of the
strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to
me; their business was to join me in dragging the
tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and
his bare posteriors heartily flogged with his own
birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in the
struggle; but if we should find him too many for us
all three, we were to demand the assistance of our
competitors, who should be ready to reinforce us, or
oppose anything that might be undertaken for the
master's relief. One of my principal assistants was
called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wesdthy
gentleman in the neighbourhood; and the name of
the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which
had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind.
I had once saved Gawky's life, by plunging into a
131]
RODERICK RANDOM
river, and dragging him on shore, when he was on
the point of being drowned. I had often rescued
him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable
arrogance had provoked to a resentment he was not
able to sustain ; and many times saved his reputation
and posterior, by performing his exercises at school;
so that it is not to be wondered at if he had a par-
ticular regard for me and my interests. The attach-
ment of Strap flowed from a voluntary disintei-ested
inclination, which had manifested itself on many
occasions on my behalf, he having once rendered me
the same service that I had done Gawky, by saving
my life at the risk of his own ; and often fathered
offences that I had committed, for which he suffered
severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the
puni.shment I deserved. These two champions were
the more willing to engage in this enterprise, because
they intended to leave the school the next day as
well as I, the first being ordered by his father to
return into the country, and the other being bound
apprentice to a barber, at a market town not far
off.
In the meantime, my uncle being informed of my
master's behaviour to me, was enraged at his inso-
lence, and vowed revenge so heartily, that I could not
refrain from telling him the sclieme I had concerted,
which he heard with great satisfaction, at every sen-
tence .squirting out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured
[32]
ASSISTED BY HIS UNCLE
with tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large
quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried,
" No, no, z—ds! that won't do, neither. Howsom-
ever, 'tis a bold undertaking, my lad, that I must
say, i' faith! But, lookee, lookee, how dost propose
to get clear oflF? — won't the enemy give chase, my
boy ? ay, ay, that he will, I warrant, and alarm the
whole coast. Ah! God help thee, more sail than bal-
last, Rory. Let me alone for that — leave the whole
to me — I '11 show him the foretop-sail, I will. If so
be your shipmates are jolly boys, and won't flinch,
you shall see, you shall see; egad, I '11 play him a
salt-water trick; I '11 bring him to the gangway, and
anoint him with a cat-o'-nine-tails; he shall have a
round dozen doubled, my lad, he shall, and be left
lashed to his meditations."
We were very proud of our associate, who immedi-
ately went to work, and prepared the instrument of
his revenge with great skill and expedition; after
which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up, and
sent off a day before our attempt, and got horses
ready to be mounted, as soon as the affair should be
over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary,
seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, bolted
in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of
the pedant by his collar, who bawled out, " Murder!
thieves!" with the voice of a Stentor. Though I
trembled all over like an aspen-leaf, I knew there
vol.. I.—8 [33]
RODERICK RANDOM
was no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and
summoned our associates to my assistance. Strap,
without any hesitation, obeyed the signal; and see-
ing me leap upon the master's back, ran immediately
to one of his legs, which, pulling with all his force,
his dreadful adversary was humbled to the ground;
upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in
his place, under the influence of an universal trepi-
dation, hastened to the scene of action, ajid insulted
the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the
whole school joined.
This noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself
shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, and partly
by entreaties, to procure admission. My uncle bade
him have a little patience, and he would let him in
presently; but, if he pretended to move from that
place, it should fare worse with the son of a b—h,
his superior, on whom he intended only to bestow a
little wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous usage
of Rory; " to which," said he, " you are no stranger."
By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post,
to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had pro-
vided on purpose, after having secured his hands,
and stript his back. In this ludicrous posture he
stood, (to the no small entertainment of the boys,
who crowded about him, and shouted with great
exultation at the novelty of the sight,) venting bitter
imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching
[8*1
SCHOOLMASTER FLOGGED
his scholars with treachery and rebellion, when the
usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in this
manner ; " Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an
honest man, d' ye see, and I have a respect for you;
but, for all that, we must, for our own security, d' ye
see, belay you for a short time." With these words,
he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest
man no sooner saw, than he protested with great
earnestness he would allow no violence to be offered
to him; at the same time accusing me of perHdy and
ingratitude. But Bowling representing that it was
in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use
him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder
him from raising the hue and cry against us before
we should be out of their power, he allowed himself
to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a spectator
of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My
uncle having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with
his inhumanity to me, told him that he proposed to
give him a little discipline for the good of his soul,
which he immediately put in practice with great
vigour and dexterity. This smart application to the
pedant's withered posteriors, gave him such exquisite
pain, that he roared like a mad bull, danced, cursed,
and blasphemed, like a fmntic bedlamite. When
the lieutenant thought himself sufficiently revenged,
he took his leave of him in these words: "Now,
firiend, you '11 remember me the longest day you have
[35 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
to live; I have given you a lesson that will let you
know what flogging is, and teach you to have more
sympathy for the future — shout, boys, shout." This
ceremony was no sooner over, than my uncle pro-
posed they should quit the school, and convoy their
old comrade Rory to a public-house, about a mile
from the village, where he would treat them all. His
offer being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself
to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany us;
but this invitation he refused with great disdain,
telling my benefactor he was not the man he took
him to be. Well, well, old surly," replied my uncle,
shaking his hand, "thou art an honest fellow not-
withstanding; and if ever I have the command of a
ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i'faith." So
saying, he dismissed the boys, and locking the door,
left the two preceptors to console one another, while
we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a
numerous retinue, whom he treated according to his
promise. We parted with many tears, and lay that
night at an inn on the road, about ten miles short of
the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived
next day; and I found I had no cause to complain of
the accommodations provided for me, in being boarded
at the house of an apothecary, who had married a
distant relation of my mother. In a few days after,
my uncle set out for his ship, having settled the
necessary funds for my maintenance and education,
[36]
CHAPTER SIX
I MAKE GREAT PROGRESS IN MY STUDIES AM CARESSED
BY EVERYBODY MY FEMALE COUSINS TAKE NOTICE
OF ME I REJECT THEIR INVITATION THEY ARE
INCENSED, AND CONSPIRE AGAINST ME 1 AM LEFT
DESTITUTE BY A MISFORTUNE THAT BEFALLS MY
UNCIJE — GAWKY'S TREACHERY — MY REVENGE.
AS I was now capable of reflection, I began
to consider my precarious situation; that
I was utterly abandoned by those whose
duty it was to protect me; and that my
sole dependence was on the generosity of one man,
who was not only exposed by his profession to con-
tinual dangers, which might one day deprive me of
him for ever; but also, no doubt, subject to those
vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune
usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with
the world might produce I always ascribed his
benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet unde-
bauched by a commerce with mankind.^ Alarmed at
these considerations, I resolved to apply myself with
great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity
in my power: this I did with such success, that, in
t«?]
RODERICK RANDOM
the space of three years, I understood Greek very
well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics,
and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy;
logic I made no account of; but, above all things, I
valued myself on my taste in the Belles LettreSy and
a talent for poetry, which had already produced some
pieces that met with a very favourable reception.
These qualifications, added to a good face and shape,
acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most
considerable people in town; and I had the satisfac-
tion to find myself in some degree of favour with the
ladies — an intoxicating piece of good fortune to one
of my amorous complexion! — which I obtained, or,
at least, preserved, by gratifying their propensity to
scandal in lampooning their rivals. Two of my
female cousins lived in this place with their mother,
since the death of their father, who left his whole
fortune equally .divided between them; so that, if
they were not the most beautiful, they were at least
the richest toasts in town, and received daily the
addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the
country. Although I had hitherto been looked
upon by them with the most supercilious contempt,
my character now attracted their notice so much,
that I was given to understand I might be honoured
with their acquaintance, if I pleased.
The reader will easily perceive that this conde-
scension either flowed from the hope of making my
[38]
COUSINS CONSPIRE AGAINST HIM
poetical capacity subservient to their malice, or, at
least, of screening themselves from the lash of my
resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I
enjoyed this triumph with great satisfaction; and
not only rejected their offer with disdain, hut, in all
my performances, whether satire or panegyric, indus-
triously avoided mentioning their names, even while
I celebrated those of their intimates. This neglect
mortified their pride exceedingly, and incensed them
to such a degree, that they were resolved to make me
repent of my indifference. The first stroke of their
revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to
write verses against me, the subject of which was my
own poverty, and the catastrophe of my unhappy
parents. But, besides the badness of the' com-
position, (of which they themselves were ashamed,)
they did not find their account in endeavouring to
reproach me with those misfortunes which they and
their relations had brought upon me, and which,
consequently, reflected much more dishonour on
themselves than on me, who was the innocent vie-
tim of their barbarity and avarice. Finding this
plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young
gentleman against me, by telling him I had lam-
pooned his mistress; and so effectually succeeded in
the quality of incendiaries, that this enraged lover
determined to seize me next night, as I returned
to my lodgings from a friend''s house that I fre-
[39]
RODERICK RANDOM
quented. With this view, he waited in the street,
attended by two of his companions, to whom he had
imparted his design, of carrying me down to the river,
in which he proposed to have me heartily ducked,
notwithstanding the severity of the weather, it being
then about the middle of December. But this strata-
gem did not succeed; for, being apprised of their am-
bush, I got home another way, and, by the help of my
landlord''s apprentice, discharged a volley from the
garret window, which did great execution upon them;
and, next day, occasioned so much mirth at their ex-
pense, that they found themselves under a necessity
of leaving the town, until the adventure should be
entirely forgotten. My cousins, though twice baf-
fled in their expectation, did not, however, desist
from persecuting me, who had now enraged them
beyond a possibility of forgiveness, by detecting
their malice, and preventing its effects. Neither
should I have found them more humane, had I
patiently submitted to their rancour, and bor[n]e,
without murmuring, the rigour of their unreasonable
hate; for I have found, by experience, that, though
small favours may be acknowledged, and slight in-
juries atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he
whom you have most generously obliged; and no
enemy so implacable tis those who have done you
the greatest wrong. These good-natured creatures,
therefore, had recourse to a scheme which conspired,
[40]
IS LEFT DESTITUTE
with a piece of bad news I soon after received, to give
them all the satisfaction they desired.
This plan was to debauch the faith of my compan-
ion and confident, who betrayed the trust I reposed
in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my
small amours, which they published with such exag-
gerations, that I suffered very much in the opinion
of everybody, and was utterly discarded by the dear
creatures whose names had been called in question.
While I was busy in tracing out the author of this
treachery, that I might not only be revenged on him,
but also vindicate my character to my friends, I one
day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered
when I went home to dinner, and inquiring into the
cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixing her eyes
on the ground, told me her husband had received a
letter from Mr. Bowling, with one enclosed for me —
she was very sorry for what had happened, both for
my sake and his own — people should be more cau-
tious of their conduct. She was always afraid his
brutal behaviour would bring him into some mis-
fortune or other. As for her part, she would be
very ready to befriend me, but she had a small
family of her own to maintain. The world would
do nothing for her if she should come to want —
charity begins at home. She wished I had been
bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a
weaver, or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away
[11]
RODERICK RANDOM
my time in learning foolish nonsense that would
never bring me in a penny — but some folks are
wise, and some are otherwise. I was listening to
this mysterious discourse with great amazement,
when her husband entered, and, without speaking
a syllable, put both the letters into my hand. I
received them trembling, and read what follows: —
To Mr. Roger Potion.
" Sir, — This is to let you know that I have'quitted
the Thunder man of war, being obliged to sheer oflF, for
killing my captain, which I did fairly on the beach at
Cape Tiberoon, in the island of Hispaniola; having re-
ceived his fire, and returned it, which went through his
body. And I would serve the best man so that ever
stept between stem and stem, if so be that he struck
me, as Captain Oakum did. I am, thank God, safe
among the French, who are very civil, tho' I don't
understand their lingo: and I hope to be restored in
a little time, for all the great friends and parliamentary
interest of the captain, for I have sent over to my land-
lord in Deal an account of the whole affair, with our
bearings and distances while we were engaged, whereby
I have desired him to lay it before his Majesty, who
(God bless him) will not suffer an honest tar to be
wronged. My love to your spouse, and am
" Your loving fnend and servant to command, while
" Thomas Bowling."
To Roderick Random.
" Dear Rory, — Don't be grieved at my misfortune;
but mind your book, my lad. I have got no money to
[42]
IS LEFT DESTITUTE
send you; but what of that ? — Mr. Potion will take
care of you, for the love he bears me, and let you want
for nothing, and it shall go hard but I will see him one
day repaid. No more at present, but rests
" Your dutiful uncle and servant till death,
" Thomas Bowling,"
This letter, which with the other was dated from
Fort Louis in Hispaniola, I had no sooner read, than
the apothecary, shaking his head, hegan: " I have a
very great regard for Mr. Bowling, that's certain, —
and could be well content — but times are very hard.
There's no such thing as money to be got — I he-
lieve 'tis all vanished under ground, for my part.
Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having
entertained you since the beginning of this month
without receiving a sixpence, — and God knows if
ever I shall; — for I believe it will go hard with your
uncle. And more than that, I was thinking of giv-
ing you warning, for I want your apartment for a
new 'prentice, whom I expect from the country every
hour. So I desire you will this week provide your-
self with another lodging."
The indignation which this harangue inspired,
gave me spirits to support my reverse of fortune, and
to tell him, I despised his mean selfish disposition so
much, that I would starve rather than be beholden
to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my
pocket-money, I paid him to the last farthing of
[43J
RODERICK RANDOM
what I owed, and assured him I would not sleep
another night under his roof. This said, I sallied
out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without know-
ing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend
in the world capable of relieving me, and only three
shillings in my purse. After giving way for a few
minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired
a small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling and six-
pence per week, which I was obliged to pay per ad-
vance, before the landlord would receive me. Thither
I removed my luggage; and next morning got up,
with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a
person who had on all occasions loaded me with
caresses, and made frequent offers of friendship, while
I was under no necessity of accepting them. He
received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on
my breakfasting with him — a favour which I did not
think fit to refuse. But, when I communicated the
occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted, that
I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery
of my condition, and looked upon him as a man of the
most extensive sympathy and benevolence. He did
not leave me long under this mistake; for, recovering
himself from his confusion, he told me, he was grieved
at my misfortune, and desired to know what had
passed between my landlord Mr. Potion and me.
Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and when
I repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous
,[44]
REVENGE ON GAWKY
remonstrance with regard to my leaving his house,
this pretended fnend affected a stare, and exclaimed,
" Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man
who had treated you so kindly all along j" My sur^
prise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever
his might be; and I gave him to understand, with
some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so
unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel, who
ought to be expelled from every social community.
This heat of mine gave him all the advantage he
desired over me, and our discourse, after much alter-
cation, concluded in his desiring never to see me
again in that place; to which desire I 3nelded my
consent, assming him, that had I been as well ac-
quainted with his principles formerly as I was now,
he never should have had an opportunity of making
that request; — and thus we parted.
On my return I met my comrade. Squire Gawky,
whom his father had sent, some time ago, to town
for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing, and
other modish qualifications. As I had lived with
him, since his arrival, on the footing of our old inti-
macy, I made no scruple of informing him of the
lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small
supply of money, to answer my present expense;
upon which he pulled out a handful of halfpence,
with a shilling or two among them, and swore that
was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-
[46]
RODERICK RANDOM
day, he having lost the greatest part of his allowance
the night before at billiards. Though this assertion
might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at
his indifference; for he neither expressed any sym-
pathy for my mishap, nor desire of alleviating my
distress; and accordingly I left him without utter-
ing one word. But, when I afterwards understood
that he was the person who had formerly betrayed
me to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he
had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which
afforded them great matter of triumph and exulta-
tion, I determined with myself to call him to a severe
account; for which purpose I borrowed a sword, and
wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me at a cer-
tain time and place, that I might have an opportunity
of punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood.
He accepted the invitation; and I betook myself to
the field, though not without feeling considerable
repugnance to the combat, which frequently attacked
me in cold sweats by the way: but the desire of
revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of con-
quest, conspired to repel these unmanly symptoms of
fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good grace.
There I waited an hour beyond the time appointed,
and was not ill-pleased to find he had no mind to
meet me; because I should have an opportimity of
exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage,
and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should
[46J
REVENGE ON GAWKY
find him, without any dread of the consequence.
Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely ban-
ished all thoughts of my deplorable condition, I went
directly to Gawky's lodgings, where I was informed
of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the
country in less than an hour after he had received
my billet: and I was vain enough to have the whole
story inserted in the news, although I was fain to
sell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for less than
half price, to defray the expense, and contribute to
my subsistence.
147 J
CHAPTER SEVEN
I AH EKTEETAINED BY MR. CRAB — A DESCRIPTION OF
HIM 1 ACQUIRE THE ART OF SURGERY CON-
SULT CRAB'S DISPOSITION BECOME NECESSARY TO
HIM AN ACCIDENT HAPPENS — HE ADVISES ME
TO LAUNCH OUT INTO THE WORLD ASSISTS ME
WITH MONEY 1 SET OUT FOR LONDON.
The fumes of my resentment being dissi-
pated, as well as the vanity of my success,
I found myself deserted to all the horrors
of extreme want, and avoided by mankind
as a creature of a difiFerent species, or rather as a soli-
taty being, no ways comprehended within the scheme
or protection of Providence. My despair had ren-
dered me almost quite stupefied, when I was one day
told that a gentleman desired to see me at a certain
public-house, whither immediately I repaired, and
was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon
in town, who was engaged with two more in drinking
a liquor calledpqp-in, composed by mixing a quartern
of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I
relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will
not be disagreeable to the reader if I describe the
[4»]
ENTERTAINED BY MR. CRAB
gentleman who sent for me, and mention some cir-
cumstances of his character and conduct, which may
illustrate what follows, and account for his behaviour
to me.
This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about
five feet high, and ten round the belly; his face was
capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion
of a mulberry; his nose, resembling a powder-horn,
was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over
with carbuncles; and his little grey eyes reflected the
rays in such an oblique manner, that, while he looked
a person full in the face, one would have imagined he
was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long
entertained an implacable resentment against Potion,
who, though a young practitioner, was better em-
ployed than he, and once had the assurance to per-
form a cure whereby he disappointed and disgraced
the prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel, which
was at one time upon the point of being made up by
the interposition and mediation of friends, had been
lately inflamed beyond a possibility of reconciliation
by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chanc-
ing to meet at a christening, disagreed about pre-
cedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and
were, with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented
from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of
lamentation.
The difference between these rivals was in the
vol.. I.—4 [^9]
RODERICK RANDOM
height of rancour, when I received the message of
Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have
expected from one of his disposition; and, after
desiring me to sit, inquired into the particulars of
my leaving the house of Potion; which, when I had
related, he said with a malicious grin, " There's a
sneaking dog! — I always thought him a fellow
without a soul, d—n me! — a canting scoundrel, who
has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and kissing
the a—se of everybody." Aye, aye," says another,
one might see with half an eye that the rascal has
no honesty in him, by his going so regularly to
church.'^ This sentence was confirmed by a third,
who assured his companions, that Potion was never
known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meet-
ing of the godly, where he had distinguished himself
by an extempore prayer an hour long. After this
preamble. Crab addressed himself to me in these
words: " Well, my lad, I have heard a good charac-
ter of you, and I '11 do for you. You may send your
things to my house when you please. I have given
orders for your reception. Zounds! what does the
booby stare at ? — If you have no mind to embrace
my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and he
d—d." I answered, with a submissive bow, that I
was far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I
would immediately accept, as soon as he should in-
form me on what footing I was to be entertained.
[60]
ENTERTAINED BY MR. CRAB
" What footing! d—n my blood," cried he; " d' ye
expect to have a footman and a couple of horses
kept for you ? " " No, sir," I replied, " my expecta-
tions are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as
little burdensome as possible, I would willingly serve
in your shop, by which means I may save you the
expense of a journeyman, or porter at least, for I
understand a little pharmacy, having employed some
of my leisure hours in the practice of that art while I
lived with Mr. Potion : neither am I altogether igno-
rant of surgery, which I have studied with great
pleasure and application." "Oho! you did?" says
Crab. " Gentlemen, here is a complete artist I —
Studied surgery I what ? in books, I suppose. I shall
have you disputing with me one of these days on
points of my profession. You can already account
for muscular motion, I warrant, and explain the
mystery of the brain and nerves — ha? You are
too learned for me, d—n me. But let's hear no
more of this stuff. Can you bleed and give a clyster,
spread a plaster, and prepare a potion ? " Upon my
answering in the afRrmative he shook his head, teU-
ing me he believed he should have little good of
me, for all my promises; but, however, he would
take me in for the sake of charity.
I was accordingly that very night admitted to his
house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the
garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwith-
[51]
RODERICK RANDOM
standing the mortification my pride suffered in
this change of circumstances. I was soon convinced
of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me
in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his
revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his antago-
nist in opposition to his own generosity, which was
all affectation, he had occasion for a young man who
understood something of the profession, to fill up
the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not
without violent suspicion of foul play from his mas-
ter's brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance,
together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the
young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my
enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I
did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better
advantage, I resolved to study Crab's temper with all
the application, and manage it with all the address,
in my power. And it was not long before I found
out a strange peculiarity of humour, which governed
his behaviour towards all his dependents. I observed,
when he was pleased, he was such a niggard of his
satisfaction, that, if his wife or sen'ants betrayed the
least symptom of participation, he was offended to an
insupportable degree of choler and fiiry, the effects
of which they seldom failed to feel. And, when his
indignation was roused, submission and soothing
always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason
and humanity. I therefore pursued a contraiy plan;
[62J
CRAB'S DISPOSITION
and one day, when he honoured me with the names
of ignorant whelp, and lazy ragamuffin, I boldly
replied, "I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I
both understood and performed my business as well
as he could do for his soul; neither was it just to
call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my
back, and was descended from a better family than
any he could boast an alliance with." He gave
tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine,
and shook his cane over my head, regarding me all
the time with a countenance truly diabolical. Al-
though I was terribly startled at his menacing looks
and posture, I yet had reflection enough left to con-
vince me I had gone too far to retract, and that this
was the critical minute which must decide my future
lot in his service: I therefore snatched up the pestle
of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me
without a cause, I should see whether his skull or
my weapon was hardest. He continued silent for
some time, and at last broke forth into these ejacu-
lations: " This is fine usage from a servant to a mas-
ter, — very fine! — d—tion! — but no matter, you
shall pay for this, you dog, you shall. I '11 do yoiu*
business — yes, yes, I '11 teach you to lift your hand
against me." So saying, he retired, and left me
under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished en-
tirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with
unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of
[53]
RODERICK RANDOM
punch after dinner. By this conduct I got the as-
cendency over him in a short time, and became so
necessary to him, in managing his business while
he was engaged at the bottle, that fortune began
to wear a kinder aspect; and I consoled myself for
the disregard of my former acquaintance with the
knowledge I daily imbibed, by a close application to
the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded
beyond my own expectation. I was on very good
terms with my master's wife, whose esteem I acquired
and cultivated, by representing Mrsi Potion in the
most ridiculous lights my satirical talents could
invent, as well as by rendering her some Christian
offices when she had been too familiar with the dram
bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for con-
solution under the affliction she suffered from her
barbarous husband.
In this manner I lived, without hearing the least
tidings of my imcle, for the sipace of two years, dur-
ing which time I kept little or no company, being
neither in a humour to relish, nor in a capacity to
maintain much acquaintance: for the Nabal, my
master, allowed me no wages; and the small per-
quisites of my station scarce supplied me with the
common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert
unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause,
and elevated with the extravagance of hope: my mis-
fortunes had taught me how bttle the carps-ses of the
[64]
AN ACCIDENT HAPPENS
world, during a man^s prosperity, are to be valued by
him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought
to set about making himself independent of them.
My present appearance, therefore, was the least of
my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a
stock of instruction that might secure me against the
o^rice of fortime for the future. I became such a
sloven, and contracted such an air of austerity, that
everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky
returned to town, without running any risk from my
resentment, which was by this time pretty much
cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so effect-
ually, that I never so much as thought of obtaining
satisfaction for the injuries he had done me. When
I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business, I
began to cast about for an opportunity of launching
into the world, in hope of finding some provision
that might make amends for the difficulties I had
undergone: but, as this could not be effected without
a small sum of money to equip me for the held, I
was in the utmost perplexity how to raise it, well
knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would never
put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest
was so much concerned in my stay. But a small
accident which happened about this time determined
him in my favour. This was no other than the
pregnancy of his maid-servant, who declared her
situation to me, assuring me, at the same time, that
[55]
RODERICK RANDOM
I was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason
to question the truth of this imputation, I was not
ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between
her master and her; taking the advantage of which
I represented to her the folly of laying the burden
at my door, when she might dispose of it to much
better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my
advice, and next day acquainted him with the pre-
tended success of their mutual endeavours. He was
far from being overjoyed at this proof of his vigour,
which he foresaw might have very troublesome con-
sequences; not that he dreaded any domestic grum-
blings and reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in
perfect subjection; but because he knew it would
furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting
and undermining his reputation; there being no
scandal equal to that of uncleanness in the opinion
of those who inhabit the part of the island where he
lived. He, therefore, took a resolution worthy of
himself; which was, to persuade the girl that she
was not with child, but only afflicted with a dis-
order incident to young women, which he would
easily remove. With this view, as he pretended, he
pi-escribed for her such medicines as he thought
would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme
he was disappointed; for the maid, being advertised
by me of his design, and at the same time well
acquainted with her own condition, absolutely refused
[56]
*
SETS OUT FOR LONDON
to follow his directions; and threatened to publish
her situation to the world, if he would not immedi-
ately take some method of providing for the import-
ant occasion, which she expected in a few months.
It was not long before I guessed the result of his
deliberation, by his addressing himself to me, one
day, in this manner: " I am surprised that a young
fellow like you discovers no inclination to push his
fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was
broiling on the coast of Guinea.—D—me! what's
to hinder you from profiting by the war which will
certainly be declared in a short time against Spain ?
You may easily get on board of a king's ship in
quality of a surgeon's mate; where you wiU certainly
see a great deal of practice, and stand a good chance
of getting prize-money." I laid hold of this declara-
tion, which I had long wished for, and assured him I
would follow his advice with pleasure, if it was in my
power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace
an opportunity of that kind, as I had no friend to
advance a little money to supply me with what neces-
saries I should want, and defray the expenses of my
journey to London. He told me that few necessaries
were required; and as for the expense of my joimriey,
he would lend me money sufficient not only for that
purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in
London until I should procure a warrant for my pro-
vision on board of some ship. I gave him a thousand
[67J
RODERICK RANDOM
thanks for his obliging offer (although I was very
well apprised of his motive, which was no other than
a design to lay the bastard to my charge after my
departure), and accordingly set out in a few weeks
for London, my whole fortune consisting of one suit
of clothes, half a dozen of ruffled shirts, as many
plain, two pair of worsted, and a like number of
thread stockings, a case of pocket instruments, a
small edition of Horace, Wiseman's Surgery, and ten
guineas in cash, for which Crab took my bond, bear-
ing five per cent, interest; at the same time [he]
gave me a letter to the member of parliament for
our town, which, he said, would ,do my business
effectually.
[68]
CHAPTER EIGHT
I ARRIVE AT NEWCASTLE MEET WITH MY OLD SCHOOL-
FELLOW STRAP WE DETERMINE TO WALK TO-
GETHER TO LONDON SET OUT ON OUR JOURNEY
PUT UP AT A SOUTARY ALE-HOUSE ARE DIS-!
TURBED BY A STRANGE ADVENTURE IN THE NIGHT.
with the carriers, who transport goods from one place
to another on horseback; and this scheme I accord-
ingly put in execution on the first day of November
1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets,
one of which contained my goods in a knapsack.
But, by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne,
I was so fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage,
and benumbed with the coldness of the weather,
that I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on
foot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable
manner.
The hostler of the inn at which we put up, under-
standing I was boimd for London, advised me to take
^HERE is no such convenience «is a waggon
in this country, and my finances were too
weak to support the expense of hiring a
horse; I determined therefore to set out
[59]
RODERICK RANDOM
my passage in a collier, which would be both cheap
and expeditious, and withal much easier than to walk
upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads
in the winter time; a journey which, he believed, I
had not strength enough to perform. I was almost
persuaded to take his advice, when, one day, stepping
into a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man,
while he lathered my face, accosted me thus: " Sir, I
presume you are a Scotchman." I answered in the
affirmative. " Pray," continued he, " from what part
of Scotland" — I no sooner told him, than he dis-
covered great emotion, and not confining his operation
to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face
with great agitation. I was so offended at this pro-
fusion, that, starting up, I asked him what the d—1
he meant by using me so ? He begged pardon, tell-
ing me his joy at meeting with a countryman had
occasioned some confusion in him; and craved my
name. But when I declared my name was Random,
he exclaimed in a rapture, " How! Rory Random ?"
" The same," I replied, looking at him with astonish-
ment. " What," cried he, " don't you know your old
schoolfellow, Hugh Strap ? " At that instant, recol-
lecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the trans-
port of my joy, gave him back one half of the suds
he had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so
that we made a very ludicrotis appearance, and fur-
nished a great deal of mirth for his master and shop-
^60]
MEETS WITH STRAP
mates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our
mutual caresses were over, I sat down again to be
shaved; but the poor fellow's nerves were so discom-
posed by this unexpected meeting, that his hand
could scarcely hold the razor, with which, neverthe-
less, he found means to cut me in three places, in as
many strokes. His master, perceiving his disorder,
hade another supply his place, and after the operation
was performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of
the day with me. We retired immediately to my
lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I desired to
he informed of his adventure, which contained noth-
ing more, than that his master dying before his time
was out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago,
in expectation of joumey-work, along with three
young fellows of his acquaintance, who worked in
the keels; that he had the good fortune of being
employed by a very civil master, with whom he in-
tended to stay till the spring, at which time he pro-
posed to go to London, where he did not doubt of
finding encouragement. When I communicated to
him my situation and design, he did not approve of
my taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger
of a winter voyage, which is very hazardous along
that coast, as well as the precariousness of the wind,
which might possibly detain me a great while, to the
no small detriment of my fortune. Whereas, if I
would venture by land, he would bear me company,
[61]
RODERICK RANDOM
carry my baggage all the way, and, if we should he
fatigued before we could perform all the journey, it
would he no hard matter for us to find on the road
either returning horses or waggons, of which we might
take the advantage for a very trifling expense. I was
so ravished at this proposal, that I embraced him affec-
tionately, and assured him he might command my
purse to the last farthing: hut he gave me to under-
stand, he had saved money sufficient to answer his
own occasions; and that he had a friend in London,
who would soon introduce him into business in that
capital, and might possibly have it in his power to
serve me also.
Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs
that night, we departed next morning by daybreak,
armed with a good cudgel each (my companion being
charged with the fiimiture of us both, crammed into
one knapsack), and our money ^ewed between the
lining and waistband of our breeches, except some
loose silver for our immediate expense on the road.
We travelled all day at a round pace, but, being
ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at a
good distance from any inn, so that we were
compelled to take up our lodging at a small hedge
ale-house, that stood on a by-road, about half a mile
from the highway. There we found a pedlar of our
own country, in whose company we regaled our-
selves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good
[62]
A NIGHT ADVENTURE
ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing all the
while very sociably with the landlord and his
daughter, an hale buxom lass, who entertained us
with great good humour, and in whose affection I was
vain enough to believe I had made some progress.
About eight o'clock, we were all three, at our own
desire, shown into,an apartment, furnished with two
beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves
to rest, and the pedlar occupied the other, though
not before he had prayed a considerable time extern-
pore, searched into every comer of the room, and
fastened the door on the -insidp! with a strong iron
screw, which he carried about with him for that use.
I slept very sound till midnight, when I was disturbed
by a violent motion of the bed, which shook under
me with a continual tremor. Alarmed at this phe-
nomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no
small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and
quaking through every limb ; he told me, with a low
faltering voice, that, wp ; for there was
a bloody highwayman loaded with pistols in the next
room; then bidding me make as little noise as
possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board
partition, through which I could see a thick-set
brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at
a table with our young landlady, having a bottle of
ale and a" brace of pistols before him. I listened with
great attention, and heard him say in a terrible tone:
[63]
RODERICK RANDOM
** D—that son of a bitch, Smack, the coachman
he has served me a fine trick, indeed! — but d—tion
seize me, if I don't make him repent it! I '11 teach
the scoundrel to give intelligence to others, while he
is under articles with me."
Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasper-
ated robber, by saying he might be mistaken in
Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the
other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if
an accident had disappointed him to-day, he might
soon find opportunity enough to atone for his lost
trouble. " I '11 tell thee what, my dear Rett," rephed
he, " I never had, nor ever will, while my name is
Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day.
— Zounds! there was four hundred pounds in cash
to recruit men for the king's service, besides the
jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the
passengers; — had it been my fortune to have got
clear off with so much treasure, I would have pur-
chased a commission in the army, and made you an
officer's lady, you jade, I would." "Well, well,"
cries Betty, " we must trust to Providence for that;
— but did you find nothing worth taking, which
escaped the other gentleman of the road?" "Not
much, faith," said the lover; " I gleaned a few things,
such as a pair of pops, silver mounted, (here they
are;) I took them loaded from the captain who had
the charge of the money, together with a gold watch,
[64]
A NIGHT ADVENTURE
which he had concealed in his breeches. I likewise
found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a Quaker,
■vhom the spirit moved to revile me with great bitter-
ness and devotion. But what I value myself mostly
for, is this here purchase, a gold snuff-box, my girl,
with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I
untied out of the tail of a pretty lady's smock."
Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored
so loud, that the highwayman, snatching his pistols,
started up, crying: " Hell and d—tion! I am be-
trayed; who's that in the next room ? " Mrs. Betty
told him, he need not be uneasy; there were only
three poor wearied travellers, who, missing the road,
had taken up their lodging in the house, and were
asleep long ago. " Travellers ? " says he, " spies, you
b—ch! but no matter—I '11 send them all to hell in
an instant." He accordingly ran towards our door;
when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there
was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who
were too raw and ignorant to give him the least
cause of suspicion; and the third was a Presbyterian
pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in
the house before. This declaration satisfied the
thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar, for
he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he
put about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty
with caresses and familiarities that spoke him very
happy in his amours. During that part of the con-
VOL.1.—9 [65]
RODERICK RANDOM
yersation which regarded us, Strap had crept imder
the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that
it was with great difficulty I persuaded him our
danger was over, and prevailed on him to wake the
pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and
heard. This itinerant merchant no sooner felt some-
body shaking him by the shoulder, than he started
up, calling as loud as he could, " Thieves! thieves!
Lord have mercy on us!" And Rifle, alarmed at
this exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his
pistols, and turned towards the door, to kill the first
man who should enter; for he verily believed himself
beset; when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of
laughter, persuaded him, that the poor pedlar, dream-
ing of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep.
Meanwhile my comrade had undeceived our fellow-
lodger, and informed him of his reason for disturbing
him; upon which, getting up softly, he peeped
through the hole, and was so terrified with what he
saw, that, falling down on his bare knees he put up
a long petition to Heaven, to deliver him from the
hands of that ruffian, and promised never to defraud
a customer for the future of the value of a pin^s
point, provided he might be rescued from the present
danger.
Whether or not his disburdening his conscience
aflbrded him any ease, I know not; but he slipped
into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber
[66]
A NIGHT ADVENTURE
and his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert;
then, rising softly, he imtied a rope that was round
his pack, which making fast to one end of it, he
opened the window with as little noise as possible,
and lowered his goods into the yard with great dex-
terity; then he moved gently to our bedside, and
bade us farewell, telling us, that, as we ran no risk,
we might take our rest with great confidence, and in
the morning assure the landlord that we knew
nothing of his escape; and lastly, shaking us by the
hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let
himself drop from the window without any danger,
for the ground was not above a yard from his feet as
he hung on the outside. Although I did not think
proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at
all free from apprehension, when I reflected on what
might be the effect of the highwayman's disappoint-
ment, as he certainly intended to make free with the
pedlar's ware. Neither was my companion at more
ease in his mind; but, on the contrary, so possessed
with the dreadfril idea of Rifle, that he solicited me
strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so
elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer,
who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us, as
accomplices of the pedlar's elopement. But I repre-
sented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to
think we knew his profession, and suggested, that, if
ever he should meet us again on the road, he would
[67]
RODERICK RANDOM
look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, aud find it
his interest to put us out of the way. I told him
withal my confidence in Betty's good natiu:«, in which
he acquiesced; and, during the remaining part of the
night, we concerted a proper method of behavioiu",
to render us unsuspected in the morning.
It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our
chamber, and perceiving our window open, cried out:
" Ods bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have hot con-
stitutions to lie all night with the window open, in
such cold weather." I feigned to start out of sleep,
and withdrawing the curtain, called, "What's the
matter ? " Wlien she showed me, I affected surprise,
and said, " Bless me! the window was shut when we
went to bed." " I '11 be hanged," said she, " if Saw-
ney Waddle the pedlar has not got up in a dream
and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his
sleep. — Sure I put a chamber-pot under his bed."
With these words she advanced to the bed in which
he lay, and finding the sheets cold, exclaimed," Good
lack-a-daisy! the rogue is fled!" " Fled!" cried I,
with feigned amazement, " God forbid! — Sure he
has not robbed us." Then springing up, I laid hold
of my breeches, and emptied all my loose money into
my hand; which having reckoned, I said, " Heaven
be praised, our money is all safe: — Strap, look to
the knapsack." He did so, and found all was right.
Upon which we asked, with seeming concern, if he
[68]
A NIGHT ADVENTURE
had stole nothing belonging to the house? ♦'No,
no," replied she, "he has stole nothing but his
reckoning"; which, it seems, this pious pedlar had
forgot to dischai'ge, in the midst of his devotion.
Betty, after a moment^s pause, withdrew, and immedi-
ately we could hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner
heard of Waddle's flight, than he jumped out of bed,
and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and
vowing to murder the pedlar, if ever he should set
eyes on him again: " For," said he, " the scoundrel
has by this time raised the hue and cry against
me." Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted
his horse, and for that time rid us of his company,
and a thousand fears that were the consequence of it.
While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by
all the cunning she was mistress of, to leam whether
or no we suspected om* fellow-lodger, whom we saw
take home; but as we were on our guard, we an-
swered her sly questions with a simplicity she could
not distrust; when, all of a sudden, we heard the
trampling of a horse's feet at the door.
This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagina-
tion was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that,
with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, " O
Lord! there's the highwayman returned!" Our
landlady, staring at these words, said, " What high-
wayman, young man ? — Do you think any highway-
men harbour here?" Though I was very much
[69]
RODERICK RANDOM
disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I
had presence of mind enough to tell her, we had
met a horseman the day before, whom Strap had
foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, because he
rode with pistols; and that he had been terrified
at the sound of a horse's feet ever since. She forced
a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my com-
rade; but I could perceive (not without great con-
cern) that this account was not at all satisfactory to
her.
[70]
CHAPTER NINE
WE PROCEED ON O0R JOURNEY — ARE OVERTAKEN BY AN
HIGHWAYMAN, WHO FIRES AT STRAP IS PRE-
VESTED FROM SHOOTING ME BY A COMPANY OF
HORSEMEN, WHO RIDE IN PURSUIT OF HIM STRAP
IS PUT TO BED AT AN INN ADVENTURES AT THAT
INN.
After having paid our score, and taken
leave of our hostess, who embraced me
tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our
journey, blessing ourselves that we had
come off so well. We had not walked above five
miles, when we observed a man on horseback gal-
loping after us, whom we in a short time recognised
to be no other than this formidable hero who had
already given us so much vexation. He stopped
hard by me, and asked if I knew who he wasMy
astonishment had disconcerted me so much, that I
did not hear his question, which he repeated with
a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as
mute as before. Strap seeing my discomposure,
fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering with a
lamentable voice these words: " For ChrisPs sake,
[71]
RODERICK RANDOM
have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle, — we know, you
very well." " Oho!" cried the thief, " you do! —
but you never shall be evidence against me in this
world, you dog!" So saying, he drew a pistol, and
fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon
the groimd, without speaking one word. My comrade's
fate, and my own situation, riveted me to the place
where I stood, deprived of all sense and reflection-,
so that I did not make the least attempt either to
run away, or deprecate the wrath of this barbarian,
who snapped a second pistol at me; but before he
had time to prime again, perceiving a company of
horsemen coming up, he rode off, and left me stand-
ing motionless as a statue, in which posture I was
found by those whose appearance had saved my
life.
This company consisted of three men in livery,
well armed, with an officer, who, as I afterwards
learned, was the person from whom Rifle had taken
the pocket-pistols the day before; and who, making
known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the
road, and assuring him his non-resistance was alto-
gether owing to his consideration for the ladies in
the coach, procured the assistance of his lordship's
servants to go in quest of the plunderer. This
holiday captain scampered up to me with great
address, and asked who fired the pistol which he
had heard. As I had not yet recovered my reason,
[72]
OVERTAKEN BY HIGHWAYMAN
he, before I could answer, observed a body lying on
the ground: at which sight his colour changed, and
he pronounced with a faltering tongue, " Gentlemen,
here's murder committed! Let us alight." " No^
no," said one of his followers, " let us rather pmsue
the murderer. Which way went he, young man ? "
By this time I had recollected myself so far as to
tell them, that he could not be a quarter of a mile
before; and to beg of one of them to assist me in
conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house,
in order to its being interred. The captain, foresee-
ing that, in case he should pursue, he must soon
come to action, began to curb his horse, and give
him the spur at the same time, which treatment
making the creatine rear up and snort, he called
out, his horse was frightened, and would not pro-
ceed; at the same time wheeling him round and
round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheeling
him with " Sirrah, sirrah, gently, gently," etc. —
" Zounds!" cried one of the servants, " sm« my
lord's Sorrel is not resty!" — With these Words,
he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel,
disdaining the rein, sprung forward with the cap-
tain at a pace that would have soon brought him up
with the robber, had not the girth, happily for him,
given way, by which means he landed in the dirt;
and two of his attendants continued their pursuit,
Ivithout minding his situation. Meanwhile, one of the
[78]
RODERICK RANDOM
three, who remained at my desire, turning the body
of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed
him, found him still warm, and breathing; upon
which I immediately let him blood, and saw him,
with inexpressible joy, recover; he having received
no other woimd than what his fear had inflicted.
Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together
to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where
Strap, who was not quite recovered, went- to bed;
and in a little time, the third servant returned with
the captain's horse and furniture, leaving him to
crawl after as well as he could. This gentleman
of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously
of the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the
recommendation of the servant, who warranted my
ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which ser-
vice he rewarded me with half a crown.
The time between this event and dinner, I passed
in observing a game at cards between two farmers,
an exciseman, and a yoimg fellow in a rusty gown
and cassock, who, as I afterwards imderstood, was
curate of a neighbouring parish. It was easy to per-
ceive that the match was not equal; and that the two
farmers, who were partners, had to do with a couple
of sharpers, who stript them of all their cash in a
very short time. But what surprised me veiy much
was, to hear this clerg3naian reply to one of the
countrymen who seemed to suspect foul play, in
[74]
ADVENTURES AT AN INN
these words; "D—n me, friend, d'ye question my
honour ? " —did not at all wonder to find a cheat
in canonicals, this being a character frequent in my
own cotmtry; but I was scandalised at the indecency
of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he
swore, and the bawdy songs which he sung. At
last, to make amends, in some sort, for the damage
he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a
fiddle from the lining of his gown, and, promising to
treat them at dinner, began to play most melodiously,
singing in concert all the while. This good humour
of the parson inspired the company with so much
glee, that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and
all present went to dancing in the yard. While we
were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician
spying a horseman riding towards the inn, stopt all
of a sudden, crying out, " Gad so! gentlemen, I beg
your pardon; there's our dog of a doctor coming
into the inn." He immediately concealed his instru-
ment, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold
of the vicar's bridle, and helped him off, inquiring
very cordially into the state of his health. This rosy
son of the church, who might be about the age of
fifty, having alighted, and entrusted the curate with
his horse, stalked with great solemnity into the
kitchen, where, sitting down by the fire, he called for
a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer
to the submissive questions of those who inquired
[75]
RODERICK RANDOM
about the welfare of his family. While he indulged
himself in this state, amidst a profound silence, the
curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked
if he would not be pleased to honour us with his
company at dinner.? To which interrogation he
answered in the negative, saying, he had been to
visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into
a high fever at the last assizes; and that he had, on
leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at
home. Accordingly, when he had made an end of
his bottle and pipe, he rose and moved, with prelati-
cal dignity, to the door, where his journeyman stood
ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted,
than the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen,
held forth in this manner: "There the old rascal
goes, and the devil go with him. — You see how
the world wags, gentlemen. — By gad, this rogue of
a vicar does not deserve to live; and yet he has two
livings worth .£'400 per annum, while poor I am fain
to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles every
Sunday to preach, for what.? why, truly, for £20 a
year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications;
but — comparisons are odious. I should be glad to
know how this swag-bellied doctor deserves to be
more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow-
chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals
and wine, and enjoy the conversation of Betty, his
housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen. Betty
[76]
ADVENTURES AT AN INN
is the doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she
is; but no matter for that: — ay, and a dutiful girl
to her parents, whom she visits regularly every year,
though I must own, I could never leam in what
county they live. — My service t' ye, gentlemen."
By this time dinner being ready, I waked my com-
panion, and we ate all together with great cheerful-
ness. When our meal was ended, and every man's
share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out
on pretence of some necessary occasion, and mount-
ing his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy the host
in the best manner they could. We were no sooner
informed of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman,
who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a
malicious grin: " Ay, ay, this is an old trick of
Shuffle: I could not help smiling when he talked of
treating. You must know this is a very curious
fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while
he served young Lord Trifle at the university. But
what he most excels in is pimping. No man knows
his talents better than I; for I was valet de chambre
to Squire Tattle, an intimate companion of Shuffle's
lord. He got himself into a scrape, by pawning
some of his lordship's clothes, on which account he
was turned away; but, as he was acquainted with
some particular circumstances of my lord's conduct,
he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so
made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards
£77]
RODERICK RANDOM
recommended him to the curacy which he now en-
joys. However, the fellow cannot be too much
admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable
livelihood, in spite of such a small allowance. You
hear he plays a good stick, and is really diverting in
company. These qualifications make him agreeable
wherever he goes; and, as for pla3dng at cards, there
is not a man within three counties a match for him:
the truth is, he is a damnable cheat; and can shift
a card with such address, that it is impossible to dis-
cover him." Here he was interrupted by one of the
farmers, who asked why he had not justice enough to
acquaint them with these particulars before they
engaged in play? The exciseman replied, without
any hesitation, that it was none of his business to
intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did
not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character,
which was notorious to the whole country. This did
not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting
and assisting the curate's knavery, and insisted on
having his share of the winnings returned; this
demand the exciseman as positively refused, affirm-
ing that whatsoever sleights Shuffle might practise
on other occasions, he was very certain that he had
played on the square with them, and would answer
it before any bench in Christendom; so saying, he
got up, and having paid his reckoning, sneaked off.
The landlord thrusting his neck into the passage, to
E78]
ADVENTURES AT AN INN
see if he was gone, shook his head, saying, " Ah!
Lord help us, if every sinner was to have his deserts.
— Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the excise-
man.—But I know what: — if parson Shuffle and
he were weighed together, a straw thrown into either
scale would make the balance kick the beam. — But,
masters, this is under the rose,^ continued Boniface,
with a whisper.
{79]
CHAPTER TEN
THE HIGHWAYMAN IS TAKEN WE ARE DETAINED AS
EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM PROCEED TO THE NEXT
VILLAGE HE ESCAPES WE ARRIVE AT ANOTHER
INN, WHERE WE GO TO BED IN THE NIGHT WE
ARE AWAKED BY A DREADFUL ADVENTURE NEXT
NIGHT WE LODGE AT THE HOUSE OP A SCHOOL-
MASTER OUR TREATMENT THERE.
STRAP and I were about to depart on our
journey, when we perceived a crowd on the
I road coming towards us, shouting and hal-
looing all the way. As it approached, we
could discern a man on horseback in the middle, with
his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to
be Rifle. This highwayman, not being so well
mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of
him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged
his pistols, made prisoner without any further opposi-
tion. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst
the acclamations of the country people, to a justice
of peace, in a neighbouring village, but stopt at
our inn to join their companion, and take refresh-
ment. When Ride was dismounted, and placed in
the yard, within a circle of peasants armed with
. [80]
THE HIGHWAYMAN ESCAPES
pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected
fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours
before filled me with such terror and confusion. My
companion was so much encouraged by this alteration
in his appearance, that, going up to the thief, he
presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared
he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for
a guinea, which he immediately produced, and began
to strip, but was dissuaded from his adventure by me,
who represented to him the folly of the undertaking,
as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which would,
no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough. But what
made me repent of our impertinent curiosity, was our
being detained by the captors as evidence against him,
when we were just going to set forward. However,
there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply;
and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily
took the same road that we had proposed to follow.
About the twilight we arrived at the place of our
destination ; but, as the justice was gone to visit a
gentleman in the country, with whom, we understood,
he would probably stay all night, the robber was con-
fined in an empty garret three stories high, from which
it seemed impossible for him to escape. This, never-
theless, was the case; for next morning, when they
went upstairs to bring him before the justice, the bird
was flown, having got out at the window upon the
roof, from whence he continued his route along the
TOl- I.—« [ J
RODERICK RANDOM
tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another
garret window, where he skulked until the family were
asleep, at which time he ventured downstairs, and let
himself out by the street door, which was found open.
This event was a great disappointment to those that
apprehended him, who were flushed with hopes of the
reward; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted
now to continue my journey without any further
molestation. Resolving to make up for the small
progress we had hitherto made, we this day travelled
with great vigour, and before night reached a market-
town, twenty miles fix)m the place from whence we set
out in the morning, without meeting any adventure
worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at
an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to
despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired
Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return-
horses, or other cheap carriage in this place, to depart
for London next day. He was informed, that the
waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there
two nights ago; and that it would be an easy matter
to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the day
after the next. This piece of news gave us some
satisfaction ; and, after having made a hearty supper
on hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which
contained two beds, the one allotted for us, and the
other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were
told, was then drinking below. Though we could
[82]
A DREADFUL ADVENTURE
have very well dispensed with his company, we were
glad to submit to this disposition, as there was not
another bed empty in the house; and accordingly
went to rest, after having secured oiu: baggage under
the bolster.
About two or three o'clock in the morning, I was
waked out of a very profound sleep, by a dreadful
noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me
into an agony of consternation, when I heard these
words pronounced with a terrible voice: " Blood and
wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that's
next you, and I '11 blow the other's brains out pres-
ently." This dreadful salutation had no sooner
reached the ears of Strap, than, starting out of bed,
he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned
him in an instant; at the same time bawling out,
"Fire! murder! fire!" a cry which in a moment
alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with
a crowd of naked people. When lights were brought,
the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared;
which was no other than our fellow-lodger, whom we
found lying on the floor scratching his head, with a
look testifying the utmost astonishment at the con-
course of apparitions that surrounded him.—This
honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant,
who, having listed two country fellows overnight,
dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened to
murder him and the drummer who was along with
[88]
RODERICK RANDOM
him. This made such an impression on his imagina-
tion, that he got up in his sleep, and expressed him-
self as above.
When our apprehension of danger vanished, the
company beheld one another with great surprise and
mirth; but what attracted the notice of every one,
was our landlady, with nothing on her but her shift,
and a large pair of buckskin breeches, with the back-
side before, which she had slipt on in the hurry, and
her husband, with her petticoat about his shoulders.
One had wrapt himself in a blanket, another was
covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had
given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in
cuerpo, with the bolster rolled about his middle.
When this affair was discussed, everybody retired
to his own apartment, the sergeant slipt into bed,
and my companion and I slept without any further
disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to
breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward, in
expectation of overtaking the waggon; in which
hope, however, we were disappointed for that day.
As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found
myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a
small village in the twilight. We inquired for a
public-house, and were directed to one of a very
sorry appearance. At our entrance, the landlord,
who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long
grey hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire
[84]
i
A. SCHOLARLY INNKEEPER
in a veiy neat paved kitchen, and, with a cheerful
countenance, accosted us in these words: " SalvetCy
puerii mgredimini.'" I was not a little pleased to
hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of
recommending myself to him by my knowledge in
that language; I therefore answered, without hesita-
tion, — " Dissolve frigus^ ligm super foco — large
reponens.^ I had no sooner pronounced these words,
than the old gentleman, running toward me, shook
me by the hand, crying, " Fili mi ddectissime ! tmde
venis? a superis, nifaUor!"" In short, finding we
were both read in the classics, he did not know how
to testify his regard enough; but ordered his
daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel, who was his
sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimumy
repeating from Horace at the same time, " Deprome
quadrimum Sednna, O Thcdiarche, merum diota."" This
quadrimum was excellent ale of his own brewing, of
which he told us he had always an amphora four
years old for the use of himself and fiiends. In the
course of our conversation, which was interlarded
with scraps of Latin, we understood that this face-
tious person was a schoolmaster, whose income being
small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for
the entertainment of passengers, by which he made
shift to make the two ends of the year meet. " I am
this day," said he, "the happiest old fellow in his
Majesty^s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in
[85]
RODERICK RANDOM
heaven. My daughter is to be married next week;
but the two chief pleasures of my life are these
(pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace
that lay on the table). I am old, 't is true, — what
then ? the more reason I should enjoy the small share
of life that remains, as my fnend Raccus advises:
" Tu ne qtuesieris {scire nrfas) quem mihi, quem tibi
jmem dt dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum creduJa
postero.^
As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we
made no scruple of acquainting him with our.situa-
tion, which when he had learned, he enriched us with
advices how to behave in the world, telling us, that
he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In
the meantime, he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl
to the fire for supper, for he was resolved this night
to regale his friends —permittens divis ccetera. While
our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted
the adventures of his own life, which, as they contain
nothing remsu-kable, I forbear to rehearse. When we
had fared sumptuously, and drank several bottles of
his quadrimum, I expressed a desire of going to rest,
which was with some difficulty complied with, after
he had informed us, that we should overtake the
waggon by noon next day ; and that there was room
enough in it for half a dozen, for there were only four
passengers as yet in that convenience. Before my
comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation
. [86]
AN UNCONSCIONABLE BILL
about the good humour of our landlord, which gave
Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that he posi-
tively believed we should pay nothing for our lodg-
ing and entertainment. " Don't you observe," said
he, " that he has conceived a particular affection for
us; nay, even treated us at supper with extraordi-
nary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of our-
selves have called for?"
I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the experi-
ence I had of the world made me suspend my belief
till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we break-
fasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pud-
ding and ale, and desired to know what we had to
pay. " Biddy will let you know, gentlemen," said he,
"for I never mind these matters. Money matters
are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the
Horatian plan. Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam.'"
Meanwhile, Biddy having consulted a slate that hung
in the comer, told us, our reckoning came to 8s. 7d.
" Eight shillings and sevenpence!" cried Strap; "'t is
impossible — you must be mistaken, young woman."
" Reckon again, child," says her father, very deliber-
ately; " perhaps you have miscounted." " No, indeed,
father," she replied, " I know my business better." I
could contain my indignation no longer, but said,
it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to
know the particulars; upon which the old man got
up, muttering, " Ay, ay, let us see the particulars —
[S7]
RODERICK RANDOM
that's but reasonable." And, taking pen, ink, and
paper, wrote the following items: —
As he had not the appearance of a common pub-
lican, and had raised a sort of veneration in me by
his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my
power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore I
contented myself with saying, I was sure he did not
leam to be an extortioner from Horace. He an-
swered, I was but a young man, and did not know
the world, or I would not tax him with extortion,
whose only aim was to live " contentus parvo, and
keep off importuna pauperies.'" My fellow-traveller
could not so easily put up with this imposition; but
swore he should either take one-third of the money,
or go without. While we were engaged in this dis-
pute, I perceived the daughter go out, and conjectur-
ing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant
demand, which was no sooner done, than Biddy
returned with two stout fellows, who came in on
pretence of taking their morning draught; but in
To lodging
To breakfast
To bread and beer
To a fowl and sausages
To four bottles quadrim.
To fire and tobacco
$. d.
0 6
2 6
2 0
0 7
2 0
1 0
FT
[88]
AN UNCONSCIONABLE BILL
reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we
departed, Strap, who was half distracted on account
of this piece of expense, went up to the schoolmaster,
and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great em-
phasis, " Semper avarus eget."" To which the pedant
replied, with a malicious smile, " Animum rege, qui,
nisi paret, imperat^
[89]
CHAPTER ELEVEN
WE DESCRY THE WAGGON GET INTO IT ARRIVE AT
AN INN OUR FELLOW-TRAVELLERS DESCRIBED
A MISTAKE IS COMMITTED BY STRAP, WHICH PRO-
DUCES STRANGE THINGS.
WE travelled half a mile without ex-
changing one word; my thoughts
being engrossed by the knavery of
the world, to which I must be daily
exposed; and the contemplation of my finances,
which began sensibly to diminish. At length Strap,
who could hold no longer, addressed me thus : " Well,
fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice
had been taken, that old skinflint should have been
damn'd before he had got more than the third of his
demand. — "T is a sure sign you came easily by your
money, when you squander it away in this manner.
Ah, God help you, how many bristly beards must I
have mowed before I earned four shillings and three-
pence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs ?
How many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes
were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramp'd, and
my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung
[90]
IN THE WAGGON
over the door ? What the devil was you afraid of?
I would have engaged to box with any one of those
fellows that came in, for a guinea. I'm sure I have
beat stouter men than either of them." And indeed
my companion would have fought anybody, when
his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aver-
sion to firearms, and all instruments of death. In
order to appease him, I assured him, no part of this
extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders;
at which declaration he was affronted, and told me,
he would have me to know, that, although he was a
poor barber's boy, he had a soul to spend his money
with the best squire of the land. Having walked all
day at a great pace, without halting for a refresh-
ment, we descried, towards the evening, to our
inexpressible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a
mile before us; and by that time we reached it, were
both of us so weary, that I verily believe it would
have been impracticable for us to have walked one
mile farther. We therefore bargained with the
driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to
the next stage for a shilling; at which place we
should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we
might agree for the rest of the journey.
Accordingly, the convenience stopped, and Joey
having placed the ladder. Strap (being loaded with
our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was
getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in
[91J
RODERICK RANDOM
these words : " God's fury! there shall no passengers
come here." The poor shaver was so disconcerted at
this exclamation, which both he and I imagined pro-
ceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended
with great velocity, and a countenance as white as
paper. Joey perceiving our astonishment, called
with an arch sneer, " Waunds, coptain, whay woan't
you soofFer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny ?
Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never
moind the coptain — I 'se not afear'd of the coptain."
This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who
could not be prevailed upon to venture up again;
upon which I attempted, though not without a
quaking heart, when I heard the same voice mutter-
ing like distant thunder, " Hell and the devil con-
found me, if I don't make you smart for this!"
However, I crept in, and by accident, got an empty
place in the straw, which I immediately took posses-
sion of, without being able to discern the faces of my
feUow-travellers in the dark. Strap following with'
the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other
side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly
upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out
in a most dreadful manner, " Blood and thunder,
where's my sword ? " At these words, my frighted
comrade started up, and at one spring bounced
against me with such force, that I thought he was
the supposed son of Anak, who intended to press me
[92]
IN THE WAGGON
to death. In the meantime, a female voice cried,
Bless me ? what is the matter, my dear ? " " The
matter," replied the captain, " d—n my blood! my
guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman's
hump." Strap, trembling all the while at my back,
asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had
happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and the
woman who spoke before, went on: " Ay, ay, my
dear, it is our own fault; we may thank ourselves for
all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God
I never travelled so before. I'm sure, if my lady or
Sir John was to know where we are, they would not
sleep this night for vexation. I wish to God we had
writ for the chariot: I know we shall never be for-
pven." — "Come, come, my dear," replied the cap-
tain, " it don't signify fretting now — we shall laugh
it over as a frolic— I hope you will not suffer in
your health. I shall make my lord very merry with
our adventures in the diligence."
This discourse gave me such a high notion of the
captain and his lady, that I durst not venture to join
in the conversation. But immediately after, another
female voice began: " Some people give themselves
a great many needless airs — better folks than any
here have travelled in waggons before now. Some
of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with three
footmen behind them, without making so much fuss
about it. What then ? we are now all upon a foot-
[93]
RODERICK RANDOM
ing; therefore let's be sociable and merry. What
do you say, Isaac ? Is not this a good motion, you
doting rogue ? Speak, you old cent, per cent, fomi-
cator. What desperate debts are you thinking of?
What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac,
positively you shall never gain my favour till you
turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a
gentleman. In the meantime, give me a kiss, you
old fumbler." These words, accompanied with a
hearty smack, enlivened the person to whom they
were addressed to such a degree, that he cried in a
transport, though with a faltering voice, " Ah ! you
wanton baggage — upon my credit, you are a wag-
gish girl, he, he, he." This laugh introduced a fit of
coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer
(such, we afterwards found, was the profession of this
our fellow-traveller). About this time I fell asleep,
and enjoyed a comfortable nap, till such time as we
arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having
alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of
viewing the passengers in order as they entered.
The first who appeared was a brisk airy girl, about
twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat on her head,
instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit trimmed with
silver, very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand.
After her came limping an old man, with a worsted
night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad-
brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak
[94]
FELLOW-TRAVELLERS DESCRIBED
tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown
surtout, that covered a threadbare coat and waist-
coat, and, as we afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel
jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy;
his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his
gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and droop-
ing, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, when
he mumped or spoke, they approached one another
like a pair of nut-crackers; he supported himself
on an ivory-headed cane; and his whole figure was a
just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how
was I surprised, when I beheld the formidable cap-
tain in the shape of a little thin creature, about the
age of forty, with a long withered visage, very much
resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part
of which two little grey eyes peeped: he wore his
own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which
immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a
baldness that appeared on the crown of his head,
when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very
much of the size and cock of Pistol's.
Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help
admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war:
he was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen
inches of which went to his face and long scraggy
neck; his thighs were about six inches in length, his
legs resembling spindles or drumsticks, two feet and
a half, and his body, which put me in mind of ex-
[95]
RODERICK RANDOM
tension without substance, engrossed the remainder;
so that, on the whole, he appeared like a spider or
grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et proeterea
nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called
bear-skin, the skirts of which were about half a foot
long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches, reaching
halfway down his thighs, worsted stockings, rolled
up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels
at least two inches high: he canied a sword very
near as long as himself in one hand, and with the
other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman
of his own age, and still retained some remains of an
agreeable person; but so ridiculously affected, that,
had I not been a novice in the world, I might have
easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and
second-hand airs of a lady's woman. We were all
assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for
that was his name) desired a room with a fire for
himself and spouse, and told the landlord they would
sup by themselves. The innkeeper replied, that he
could not afford them a room by themselves; and as
for supping, he had prepared victuals for the pas-
sengers in the waggon, without respect of persons;
but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have
his choice in a separate manner, he should be very
well pleased. This was no sooner said, than all of
us declared against the proposal; and Miss Jenny,
our other female passenger, obser/ed, that, if Captain
[96]
fellow-travellers described
Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by them-
selves, they might wait until we should have done.
At this hint, the captain ^ut on a martial frown, and
looked very big, without speaking; while his yoke-
fellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered
something about "Creature!" which Miss Jenny
overhearing, stept up to her, saying, " None of your
names, good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha — I'll
assure you, no such creature as you, neither — no ten
pound sneaker — no quality coupler."—Here the
captain interposed, with a " D—me, madam, what
do you mean by that" — " D—n you, sir, who are
you ?" replied Miss Jenny, " who made you a captain,
you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? —
'Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such
fellows as you get commissions — what, I suppose
you think I don't know you ? — Egad, you and your
helpmate are well met — a cast-off mistress and a
bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked together."
"Blood and wounds!" cried Weazel, "d'ye question
the honour of my wife, madam I — Hell and d—tion!
No man in England durst say so much. I would flea
him — carbonado him I Fury and destruction! I
would have his liver for my supper." So saying, he
drew his sword, and flourished with it, to the great
terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her
fingers, told him, she did not value his resentment a
louse. In the midst of this quarrel, the master of
TOUl —7 [97]
RODERICK RANDOM
the waggon alighted, who understanding the cause of
the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his lady
would take umbrage, and leave his carriage, was at
great pains to have everything made up, which he at
last accomplished, and we sat down to supper all
together. At bedtime we were shown to our apart-
ments: the old usurer. Strap, and I, to one room;
the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another.
About midnight, my companion's bowels being dis-
ordered, he got up, in order to go backward; but, in
his return, mistaking one door for another, entered
Weazel's chamber, and without any hesitation, went
to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep; the captain
being at another end of the room, groping for some
empty vessel, in lieu of his own chamber-pot, which
was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming in,
he went towards his own bed, after having found a
convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head,
covered with a cotton night-cap, than it came into
his mind, that he had mistaken Miss Jenny's bed
instead of his own, and that the head he felt was
that of some gallant, with whom she had made an
assignation. Full of this conjecture, and scandalised
at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up
the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at
once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who
waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable
cries which not only alarmed the husband beyond
[98]
RESULT OF STRAP'S MISTAKE
measure, but frightened poor Strap almost out of his
senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched;
especially when the incensed captain seized him by
the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how
he durst have the presumption to • attempt the
chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and
confounded, that he could say nothing, but, " I take
God to witness, she's a virgin for moi" Mrs. Weazel,
enraged to find herself in such a pickle, through the
precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and
with the heel of her shoe, which she found by the
bedside, belaboiu*ed the captain's bald pate, till he
roared, " Murder." " I '11 teach you to empty your
stink-pots on me," cried she, " you pitiful hop-o'-my-
thumb coxcomb. What! I warrant you 're jealous,
you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended to
take you to my bed, you poor withered sapless twig ? "
The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought
the master of the waggon and me to the door, where
we overheard all that passed with great satisfaction.
In the meantime, we were alarmed with the cry of
"Rape! murder! rape!" which Miss Jenny pro-
nounced with great vociferation. — " O! you vile
abominable old villain," said she, "would you rob
me of my virtue ? But I '11 be revenged of you, you
old goat! I will — Help! for heaven's sake! help! —
I shall be ravished — ruined! help!" Some servants
of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs
[99]
RODERICK RANDOM
with lights, and such weapons as chance aiForded,
when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one
comer stood the poor captain, shivering in his shirt,
which was all torn to rags, with a woeful visage,
scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time
wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing
on the side of her bed. In the other end lay the old
usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flannel
jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs
exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the
two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When
we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep;
told us, she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined
her in her sleep; and bade us take notice of what we
saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence
against him. The poor wretch looked like one more
dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour
which he had no sooner obtained, than he protested
she was no woman, but a devil incarnate; that she
had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed
him. "Yes, cockatrice," continued he, "you know
you laid this snare for me, but you shan't succeed,
for I will hang myself before you shall get a faithing
off me." So saying, he crawled to his own bed,
groaning all the way. We then advanced to the
captain, who told us, " Gentlemen, here has been a
d—ned mistake; but I '11 be revenged on him who
was the occasion of it. That Scotchman who carries
[100]
RESULT OF STRAP'S MISTAKE
the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another
day, if my name be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten
thousand pardons; you are sensible I could mean no
harm to you." — "I know not what you meant,"
replied she, sighing, " but I know I have got enough
to send me to my grave." At length they were
reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share
of Miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), and
the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the
remaining part of the night with him. I retired to
mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having
stole away in the dark, while the captain and his lady
were at loggerheads.
[101]
CHAPTER TWELVE
captain weazel challenges strap, who declines the
combat an affair between the captain and
me the usurer is fain to give miss jenny five
guineas for a release we are in danger of
losing a meal the behaviour of weazel,
jenny, and joey, on that occasion — an ac-
count of captain weazel and his lady — the
captain's courage tried — isaac's mirth at the
captain's expense.
Next moming I agreed to give the mas-
ter of the waggon ten shillings for my
passage to London, provided Strap
should be allowed to take my place
when I should be disposed to walk — at the same
time I desired him to appease the incensed captain,
who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in
his hand, and threatened, with many oaths, to sacri-
fice the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but
it was to no purpose for the master to explain the
mistake, and assure him of the poor lad's innocence,
who stood trembling behind me all the while. The
more submission that appeared in Strap, the more
implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who
[ 102 ]
THE CAPTAIN CHALLENGES STRAP
swore he must either fight him, or he would instantly
put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this
insolence, and told him, it could not he supposed that
a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword
at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would
wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap
immediately gave assent, by saying, he would box with
him for a guinea. Weazel replied, with a look of
disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his
character to fight like a porter, or even to put him-
self on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as
Strap. " Odds bodikins !cries Joey, " sure, coptain,
yaw would not commit moorder! Here's a poor lad
that is willing to make atoonement for his offence ;
and an that woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw
fairly. An yaw woan't box, I dare say, he will cood-
gel with yaw, — woan't yaw, my lad ? " — Strap, after
some hesitation, answered," Yes, yes, I '11 cudgel with
him." But this expedient being also rejected by the
captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping
Strap the wink, told the company that I had always
heard it said, the person who receives a challenge
should have the choice of the weapons; this there-
fore being the rule in point of honour, I would ven-
ture to promise, on the head of my companion, that
he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps, but it
should be with such sharps as Strap was best ac-
quainted with, namely, razors. At my mentioning
[ 103]
RODERICK RANDOM
razors, I could perceive the captain's colour change,
while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with
great eagerness, " No, no, no; for the love of God,
don't make any such bargain." At length Weazel
recovering himself, returned towards me, and, with a
ferocious countenance, asked, " Who the devil are
you ? will you fight me ? " With these words, put-
ting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at
seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my
breast; and, springing to one side, snatched up a spit
that stood in the chimney-comer, with which I kept
my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great
many half-lounges, skipping backward at every push,
till at last I pinned him up in a comer, to the no
small diversion of the company.
While he was in this situation, his wife entered,
and, seeing her husband in these dangerous circum-
stances, uttered a dreadful scream : in this emergency,
Weazel demanded a cessation, which was immediately
granted; and at last was contented with the submis-
sion of Strap, who, falling upon his knees before him,
protested the innocence of his intention, and asked
pardon for the mistake he had committed. This
affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to
breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely.
Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs.
Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all
night with her groans; and that, when she rose in
[ 104]
JENNY AND THE USURER
the morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed, that
she could not proceed on her journey. At that in-
stant, a message came from her to the master of
the waggon, who immediately went into her chamber,
followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable
tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to
the fright she received last night from the brutality
of Isaac; and, as the event was uncertain, desired the
usurer might be detained to answer for the conse-
quence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was
found in the waggon, whither he had retired to avoid
the shame of last night's disgrace, and brought by
force into her presence. He no sooner appeared,
than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and
told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon
the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his
eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would de-
liver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and
assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found
in bed with her was the result of her own invitation.
The waggoner understanding the case, advised Isaac
to make it up, by giving her a sum of money;
to which advice he replied, with great vehemence,
" A sum of money! — a halter for the cockatrice ! "
— " Oh ! 't is very well," said Miss Jenny; " I see it
is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair
means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, and
tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see
[105]
IIODERICK RANDOM
him on an affair of consequence." At the name of
justice, Isaac trembled, and, bidding Joey stay, asked
with a quivering voice, what she would have ? She
told him, that as he had not perpetrated his wicked
purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter.
And though the damage she might sustain in her
health might be irreparable, she would give him a re-
lease for an hundred guineas. "An hundred guineas!"
cried he, in an ecstasy, " an hundred furies! Where
should a poor old wretch like me have an hundred
guineas.? If I had so much money, d'ye think I
should be found travelling in a waggon at this season
of the year ? " " Come, come," replied Jenny," none
of your miserly artifice here. You think I don't
know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the Minories.
Ah ! you old rogue! many a pawn have you had of
me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed."
Isaac finding it was in vain to disguise himself,
offered twenty shillings for a discharge, which she ab-
solutely refused under fifty pounds. At last, how-
ever, she was brought down to five, which he paid,
with great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for
a rape. After which accommodation the sick person
made shift to get into the waggon, and we set for-
wards in great tranquillity, Strap being accommo-
dated with Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing
to walk.
This morning and forenoon we were entertained
[106]
THE CAPTAIN AND HIS LADY
with an account of the valour of Captain Weazel,
who told us he had once knocked down a soldier
that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the
nose, who found fault with his picking his teeth
with a fork, at another time; and that he had more-
over challenged a cheesemonger, who had the pre-
sumption to be his rival; — for the truth of which
exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed
whatever he said, and observed," The last affair hap-
pened that very day on which I received a love-letter
from Squire Gobble; and don't you remember, my
dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with
eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of
my complexion's being altered, and my lady was so
alarmed that she had well-nigh fainted." " Yes,
my dear," replied the captain, " you know, my lord
said to me, with a sneer,' Billy, Mrs. Weazel is cer-
tainly breeding.' And I answered cavalierly, ' My
lord, I wish I could return the compliment.' Upon
which the whole company broke out into an immod-
erate fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a
repartee dearly, came round and bussed me."
We travelled in this manner five days, without
interruption, or meeting anything worth notice:
Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits, enter-
taining us every day with diverting songs, of which
she could sing a great number; and rallying her old
gallant, who, notwithstanding, would never be rec-
(107)
RODERICK RANDOM
onciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were
about to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came
and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had
ordered the victuals to be carried to their apart-
ment, although he had informed them that they
were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To
which information they had replied, "The passen-
gers in the waggon might be d—ned, — their betters
must be served before them — they supposed it
would be no hardship on such travellers to dine
upon bread and cheese for one day." This was a
terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our
heads together how to remedy it; when Miss Jenny
observed, that Captain Weazel, being by profession
a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent
us ii-om being insulted. But the captain excused
himself, saying, he would not for all the world be
known to have travelled in a waggon ; swearing at
the same time, that, could he appear with honour,
they should eat his sword sooner than his provision.
Upon this declaration. Miss Jenny, snatching his
weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the
kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to
death if he did not send the victuals into our cham-
her immediately. The noise she made brought the
three strangers down, one of whom no sooner per-
ceived her, than he cried, "Ha! Jenny Hamper!
what the devil brought thee hither?" "My dear
[108]
DANGER OF LOSING A MEAL
Jack Rattle!" replied she, running into his arms,
" is it you ? Then Weazel may go to hell for a
dinner —I shall dine with you."
They consented to this proposal with a great deal
of joy; and we were on the point of being reduced
to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, under-
standing the whole affair, entered the kitchen with
a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he would be the
death of any man who should pretend to seize the
victuals prepared for the waggon. This menace had
like to have produced fatal consequences; the three
strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by
their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side
of Joey; when the landlord interposing, offered to
part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which
was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at
table without any fVuther molestation. In the af-
temoon, 1 chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap
took my place. Having entered into a conversation
with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry,
facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch.
He informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl
upon the town; who falling into company with a
recruiting officer, he carried her down in the stage-
coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been
arrested for debt, and was now in prison; upon
which she was fain to return to her former way of
hfe, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that
[109]
RODERICK RANDOM
one of the gentleman's servants whom we left at the
inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately
knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particu-
lars of his character. That he had served my Lord
Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years,
while he lived separate from his lady: but, upon
their reconciliation, she expressly insisted upon
Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he
kept; when his lordship, to get rid of them both
with a good grace, proposed that he should marry
his mistress, and he would procure a commission for
him in the army. This expedient was agreed to;
and Weazel is now, by his lordship's interest, ensign
in ^'s regiment. I found he and I had the same
sentiments with regard to Weazel's courage, which
we resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the
passengers with the cry of " A highwayman!" as
soon as an horseman should appear. This scheme we
put in practice towards the dusk, when we descried
a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no
sooner intimated to the people in the waggon, that
he was afraid we should all be robbed, than a gen-
eral consternation arose. Strap jumped out of the
waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The
usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling
among the straw, which made us conjecture he had
hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her
hands, uttered lamentable cries; and the captain, to
[no]
THE CAPTAIN'S COURAGE TRIED
our great amazement, began to snore; but this arti-
fice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him
by the shoulder, bawled out, " 'Sdeath! captain, is
this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed ?
Get up, for shame, and behave like a soldier and a
man of honoiu:.*' Weazel pretended to be in a great
passion for being disturbed, and swore he would have
his nap out if all the highwaymen in England sur-
rounded him, " D—n my blood! what are you
afraid of.?" continued he, at the same time trem-
bling with such agitation, that the whole carriage
shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed
Miss Hamper so much, that she cried, " D—n your
pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon as ever was
drummed out of a regiment. — Stop the waggon,
Joey — let me get out, and by G—d, if I have
rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your
purse, but your skin also."
So saying, she leapt out with great agility. By
this time the horseman came up with us, and hap-
pened to be a gentleman's servant well known to
Joey, who communicated the scheme, and desired him
to carry it on a little further, by going up to the
waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger
consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it,
and in a terrible tone, demanded, " Who have we got
here?" • Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice,
" Here's a poor miserable sinner, who has got a small
[111]
RODERICK RANDOM
family to maintain, and nothing in the world where-
withal, but these fifteen shillings, which if you rob me
of, we must all starve together."" " Who ""s that sob-
bing in the other comer ? " said the supposed high-
wayman. " A poor unfortunate woman," answered
Mrs. Weazel, "upon whom I beg you for Christ's sake
to have compassion." " Are you maid or wife ? " said
he. " Wife, to my sorrow," cried she. " Who or
where is your husband ? " continued he. " My bus-
band," replied Mrs. Weazel, " is an officer in the army,
and was left sick at the last inn where we dined."
"You must be mistaken, madam," said he, "for I
myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon.
— But pray what smell is thatSure your lap-dog
has befouled himself; — let me catch hold of the
nasty cur, I'll teach him better manners." Here he
laid hold of one of Weazefs legs, and pulled him out
from under his wife''s petticoats, where he had con-
cealed himself. The poor trembling captain, being
detected in this inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes,
and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, "Whafs
the matter ? — what ""s the matter ? " " The matter
is not much," answered the horseman, " I only called
in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most
noble captain." So saying, he clapt spurs to his
horse, and was out of sight in a moment. It was
some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but
at length reassuniing the big look, he said, " D—n the
[mj
ISAAC'S MIRTH
fellow! why did he ride away, before I had time to
ask him how his lord and lady do ? — Don't you
remember Tom, my dear? " addressing himself to his
wife. "Yes," replied she, "I think I do remember
something of the fellow — but you know I seldom
converse with people of his station." " Hey-day,"
cried Joey, " do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain ?"
" Know him," said Weazel, " many a time has he
filled a glass of Burgundy for me at my Lord Trippet's
table." " And what may his neame be, coptain ? "
said Joey. " His name ? — his name," replied Weazel,
" is Tom Rinser." " Waunds!" cried Joey, " a has
changed his own neame then ! for I 'se lay a wager he
was christened John Trotter." This observation
raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very
much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and
said, " It was no matter who or what he was, since he
has not proved the robber we suspected. And we
ought to bless God for our narrow escape." " Bless
God," said Weazel, " bless the devil! for what ? haul
he been a highwayman, I should have eat his blood,
body, and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one
in this diligence.'" " Ha, ha, ha !" cried Miss Jenny,
" I believe you will eat all you kill indeed, captain."
The usurer was so well pleased at the event of this
adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe,
and took notice, that Captain Weazel seemed to be a
good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience
vol. I.—8 [ 113 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
and resignation, instead of carnal weapons, and worked
out his salvation with fear and trembling. This piece
of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's
expense,'who muttered a great many oaths, and threat-
ened to cut Isaac's throat. The usurer taking hold
of this menace, said, " Gentlemen and ladies, I take
you all to witness, that my life is in danger from this
bloody-minded officer. I '11 have him bound over to
the peace." This second sneer procured another
laugh against him, and he remained crestfallen during
the remaining part of our journey.
[114)
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
STRAP AND I ARE TERRIFIED BY AN APPARITION
STRAP'S CONJECTURE THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED BY
JOEY WE ARRIVE AT LONDON OUR DRESS AND
APPEARANCE DESCRIBED WE ARE INSULTED IN
THE STREET AN ADVENTURE IN AN ALE-HOUSE
WE ARE IMPOSED UPON BY A WAGGISH FOOTMAN
SET TO RIGHTS BY A TOBACCONIST TAKE LODGINGS
DIVE FOR A DINNER AN ACCIDENT AT OUR
ORDINARY.
candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the
purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence,
in a short time, he returned in a great hurry, with his
hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror
and astonishment! Without speaking a word, he set
down the light, and jumped into bed behind me,
where he lay and trembled with great violence.
When I asked him what was the matter.? he replied,
with a broken accent, " God have mercy on us! — I
have seen the devil!" Though my prejudice was not
S arrived at our inn, supped, and went
to bed; but Strap's distemper continu-
ing, he was obliged to rise in the mid-
die of the night, and taking the
[115]
RODERICK RANDOM
quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at
this exclamation; and much more so, when I heard
the sound of bells approaching our chamber, and
felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these
words, " Christ have mercy upon us! — there he
comes!"
At that instant, a monstrous overgrown raven
entered our chamber, with bells at his feet, and made
directly towards our bed. As this creature is reck-
oned in our country a common vehicle for the devil
and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed
we were haunted, and, in a violent fright, shrunk
under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition leapt
upon the bed,, and, after giving us several severe
dabs with its beak through the blankets, hopped
away and vanished. Strap and I recommended our-
selves to the protection of Heaven with great devo-
tion; and, when we no longer heard the noise, ven-
tured to peep up and take breath. But we had not
been long freed from this phantom, when another
appeared, that had well-nigh deprived us both of our
senses. We perceived an old man enter the room,
with a long white beard that reached to his middle;
there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and
countenance that did not savour of this world; and
his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned
behind and at the wrists, with an odd-fashioned cap of
the same stuff upon his head. I was so amazed, that
[116]
AN APPARITION
I had not power to move my eyes from such a
ghastly object, but lay motionless, and saw him come
straight up to me. When he reached the bed, he
wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that did
not seem to belong to a human creature, " Where is
Ralph?" I made no reply; upon which he re-
peated, in an accent still more preternatural," Where
is Ralpho?" He had no sooner pronounced these
words, than I heard the sound of the bells at a dis-
tance; which the apparition having listened to, tripped
away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was
a good while before I could recover myself so far as
to speak; and when at length I turned to Strap, I
found him in a fit, which, however, did not last
long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion
of what had happened; and he assured me, that the
first must certainly be the soul of some person
damned, which appeared by the chains about his
legs, (for his fears had magnified the creature to the
higness of a horse, and the sound of small morrice-
bells to the clanking of massy chains). As for the
old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody
murdered long ago in this place, which had power
granted to it to torment the assassin in the shape of
a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said
murderer. Although I had not much faith in this
interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy
any sleep, and in all my future adventures never
[117 J
RODERICK RANDOM
passed a night so ill. In the morning, Strap im-
parted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an immod-
erate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling
him the old man was the landlord's father, who had
been an idiot some years, and diverted himself with
a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away
from his apartment in the night, and induced him
to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired
after it, under the name of Ralpho.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remain-
ing part of our journey, which continued six or
seven days longer. At length, we entered the great
city, and lodged all night at the inn where the
waggon put up. Next morning, all the passengers
parted different ways; while my companion and I
sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament,
to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr.
Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn.
Strap took up our baggage and marched behind me
in the street, with the knapsack on his back, as
usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance.
I had dressed myself to the greatest advantage —
that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt, and my best
thread stockings. My hair, which was of the deep-
est red, hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and
straight as a pound of candles; and the skirts of my
coat reached to the middle of my leg; my waistcoat
and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the
(118]
ARRIVAL IN LONDON
same taste; and my hat very much resembled a
barber's bason, in the shallowness of the crown, and
narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited in a
much less awkward manner; but a short crop-eared
wig that very much resembled Scrub's in the play, and
the knapsack on bis back, added to what is called a
queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, book nose,
and high cheek-bones, rendered bim on the whole a
very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry.
As we walked along. Strap, at my desire, inquired
of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer
lived; and was answered by a stare, accompanied with
the word," Anan !" Upon which I came up in order
to explain the question, but bad the misfortune to
be unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us
for a lousy Scotch guard, and whipping bis horses,
with a " Gee bo!" which nettled me to the quick,
and roused the indignation of Strap so far, that,
after the fellow was gone a good way, be told me be
would fight bim for a farthing. While we were
deliberating upon what was to be done, an hackney
coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us
standing by the kennel, came up close to us, and
calling, " A coach, master!" by a dexterous manage-
ment of the reins, made bis horses stumble in the
wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After which
exploit, be drove on, applauding himself with a
hearty laugh, in which several people joined, to my
[119]
RODERICK RANDOM
great mortification; but one, more compassionate
than the rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go
into an ale-house and dry myself. I thanked him
for his advice, which I immediately complied with;
and going into the house he pointed out, called for a
pot of beer, and sat down by a fire in the public
room, where we cleaned ourselves as well as we
could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box,
smoking his pipe, understanding by our dialect that
we were from Scotland, came up to me, and, with
a grave countenance, asked how long I had been
caught.^ As I did not know the meaning of this
question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying,
it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet
cut; at the same time, taking hold of my hair, and
tipping the wink to the rest of the company, who
seemed highly entertained with his wit. I was
incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it,
because I happened to be in a strange place, and
perceived the person who spoke to me was a brawny
fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a
match. However, Strap having either more courage,
or less caution, could not put up with the insults
that I suffered; but told him, in a peremptory tone,
" He was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his
betters." Then the wit, going towards him, asked
him what he had got in his knapsack ? " Is it oat-
meal, or brimstone, Sawney ? " said he, seizing him
[ 120 J
QUARREL IN AN ALEHOUSE
by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible
diversion of all present. My companion, feeling
himself assaulted in such an opprobrious manner,
disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist
such a box on the ear, as made him stagger to the
other side of the room; and, in a moment, a ring was
formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning
to strip, and my blood being heated with indigna-
tion, which banished all other thoughts, I undressed
myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that
as the affront that occasioned the quarrel was of-
fered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which
one or two cried out, " That's a brave Scotch boy;
you shall have fair play, by G—d."
This assurance gave me fresh spirits, and going up
to my adversary, who, by his pale countenance, did
not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so
hard on the stomach, that he reeled over the bench,
and fell to the ground. Then I attempted to keep
him down, in order to improve my success, according
to the manner of my own country, but was restrained
by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise
up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he
would not fight, for he was not quite recovered of
a late illness. I was very well pleased with this
excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having ac-
quired the good opinion of the company for my
bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook
[181]
RODERICK RANDOM
me by the hand, and wished me joy of the victoiy.
After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes,
we inquired of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer,
the member of parliament, and were amazed at his
repl3dng in the negative; for we imagined, he must
be altogether as conspicuous here, as in the borough
he represented; but he told us we might possibly
hear of him as we passed along. We betook our-
selves, therefore, to the street, where, seeing a foot-
man standing at a door, we made up to him, and
asked if he knew where our patron lived.? This
member of the party-coloured fraternity, surveying
us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer
very well, and bade us turn down the first street on
our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left
again, after which perambulation we would observe
a lane, through which we must pass, and at the other
end we should find an alley that leads to another
street, where we should see the sign of the Thistle
and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged.
We thanked him for his information, and went
forwards. Strap telling me, that he knew this person
to be an honest friendly man, by his countenance,
before he opened his mouth; in which opinion 1
acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to the com-
pany he daily saw in the house where he served.
We followed his directions punctually, in turning
to the left and to the right, and to the left again;
[ 122]
FIND LODGINGS
but, instead of seeing a lane before us, found our-
selves at the side of the river, a circumstance that
perplexed us not a little; and my feUow-traveller
ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly missed
our way. By this time we were pretty much fatigued
with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I
went into a small snuff shop hard by, encouraged by
the sign of the Highlander, where I found, to my
inexpressible satisfaction, the shopkeeper was my
countryman. He was no sooner informed of our
peregrination, and the directions we had received
from the footman, than he informed us, we had been
imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer lived in the
other end of the town; and that it would be to
no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that
time he was gone to the House. I then asked if
he could recommend us to a lodging. He readily
gave us a line to one of his acquaintance, who kept
a chandler^s shop not far from St.- Martin's Lane;
there we hired a bedroom, up two pair of stairs,
at the rate of 2s. per week, so very small, that, when
the bed was let dovm, we were obliged to carry out
every other piece of furniture that belonged to the
apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs.
About dinner time, our landlord asked us how we
proposed to live.? to which interrogation we an-
swered, that we would be directed by him. " Well,
then," says he, " there are two ways of eating in this
[ 123]
RODERICK RANDOM
town, for people of your condition — the one more
creditable and expensive than the other ; the first is,
to dine at an eating-house, frequented by well-dressed
people only; and the other is called diving, practised
by those who are either obliged or inclined to live
frugally." I gave him to understand, that, provided
the last was not infamous, it would suit much better
with our circumstances than the other. " Infamous,"
cried he, "God forbid! there are many creditable
people, rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive
every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman,
with a laced waistcoat, dine in that manner very
comfortably for threepence halfpenny, and go after-
wards to the coffee-house, where he made a figiue
with the best lord in the land ; but your own eyes
shaU bear witness — I wiU go along with you to-day,
and introduce you." He accordingly conducted us
to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade us observe
him, and do as he did; and, walking a few paces,
dived into a cellar, and disappeared in an instant.
I followed his example, and descending very sue-
cessfully, found myself in the middle of a cook's
shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled
beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney
coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen
out of place, or on board wages, who sat eating
shin of beef, tripe, cowheel, or sausages, at sepa-
rate boards, covered with cloths which turned my
[124]
DIVING FOR A DINNER
stomach. AVhile I stood in amaze» undetermined
whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap,
in his descent, missing one of the steps, tumbled
headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned
the cook, as she carried a porringer of soup to one
of the guests. In her fall, she dashed the whole
mess against the legs of a drummer, belonging to
the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way,
and scalded him so miserably, that he started up,
and danced up and down, uttering a volley of exe-
crations, that made my hair stand on end. While
he entertained the company in this manner, with
an eloquence peculiar to himself, the cook got up,
and, after a hearty curse on the poor author of this
mischance, who lay under the table, scratching his
rump with a woeful countenance, emptied a saltcellar
in her hand, and stripping down the patient's stock-
ing, which brought the skin along with it, applied
the contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce
laid on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate
of his exclamation, broke forth into such a hideous
yell, as made the whole company tremble; then,
seizing a pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed
the sides of it together, as if it had been made of
pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the same time
with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of
this violent transport, I bade the woman wash off
the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did,
[las]
RODERICK RANDOM
and procured him immediate ease. But here another
difficulty occurred, which was no other than the
landlady's insisting on his paying for the pot he had
rendered useless. He swore he would pay for noth-
ing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thank-
fill for his moderation, or else he would prosecute
her for damages. Strap, foreseeing the whole affair
would lie at his door, promised to satisfy the cook,
and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer,
which entirely appeased him, and composed all ani-
mosities. After this accommodation, our landlord
and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin
of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting
to twopence halfpenny each, bread and small beer
included.
[126]
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
wk visit strap's friend a description of him—■
his advice we go to mr. CRINGEr's house
are denied admittance an accident befalls
strap his behaviour thereupon an extra-
ordinary adventure occurs, in the course of
which i lose all my money.
IN the afternoon my companion proposed to call
at his friend's house, which, we were informed,
was in the neighbourhood; whither we accord-
ingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at
home. This gentleman, who had come from Scotland
three or four years before, kept a school in town,
where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian Ian-
guages ; but what he chiefly professed was the pro-
nunciation of the English tongue, after a method
more speedy and imcommon than any practised here-
tofore ; and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their
master, the latter part of his undertaking was cer-
tainly performed to a tittle ; for, although I could
easily understand eveiy word of what I had heard
hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four
of his dialect were as imintelligible to me as if he had
[127]
RODERICK RANDOM
spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized
man, and stooped very much, though not above the
age of forty; his face frightfully pitted with the
smallpox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear.
He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened
about his middle with a Serjeant's old sash, and a tie
periwig, with a fore-top three inches high, in the
fashion of King Charles the Second's reign. After
*^e had received Strap (who was related to him) very
courteously, he inquired of him who I was, and, being
informed, took me by the hand, telling me he was at
school with my father. When he understood my
situation, he assured me that he would do me all the
service in his power, both by his advice and otherwise;
and, while he spoke these words, eyed me with great
attention, walking round me several times, and mut-
tering, " O Ch—st! O Ch—st! fat a saight is here!"
I soon guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and said,
" I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress ? "
" Dress," answered he; " you may caal it fat you
please in your country, but I vaw to Gad, 't is a mas-
querade here. No Christian will admit such a figure
into his hawse. Upon my conscience ! I.wonder the
dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St.
James's market God bless my eye-saight! you look
like a cousin-german of Ouran Outang." — I began
to be a little serious at this discourse, and asked him
if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at
[ 128]
STRAP'S FRIEND
the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended
for an introduction into business. " Mr. Cringer, Mr.
Cringer," replied he, scratching his cheek, " may be a
very honest gentleman — I know nothing to the con-
trary; but is your sole dependence upon him ? Who
recommended you to him" I pulled out Mr. Crab's
letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes;
at which he stared at me, and repeated," Ch—st!" I
began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of
his, and begged he would assist me with* his advice,
which he promised to give me frankly; and, as a
specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the
neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying
strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr.
Cringer till I had parted with these carroty locks,
which he said were sufficient to beget an antipathy
against me in all mankind. And, as we were going to
pursue this advice, he called me back, and bade me be
sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand.
As we walked along Strap triumphed greatly in our
reception with his friend, who, it seems, had assured
him he would, in a day or two, provide for him with
some good master; and " Now," says he, " you shall
see how I shall fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a
barber in London, and that's a bold word, can palm
a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair upon
me." And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle
so long with the merchant that he was desired twenty
vol. I.-9 [129]
RODERICK RANDOM
times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one
cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice of a
good handsome bob, for which I paid ten shillings,
and returned to our lodging, where Strap in a
moment rid me of that hair which had given the
schoolmaster so much offence.
We got up next day betimes, having been informed
that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle-light to all
his dependants, he himself being obliged to attend
the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day ; be-
cause his lordship made one at the minister's between
eight and nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Grin-
ger's door. Strap, to give me an instance of his
politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so
loud and so long that he alarmed the whole street;
and a window opening in the second storey of the
next house, a chamber-pot was discharged upon him
so successfully that the poor barber was wet to the
skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped
the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime a footman
opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street
but us, asked with a stem countenance if it was I who
made such a d—ned noise, and what I wanted ? I told
him I had business with his master, whom I desired
to see. Upon which he clapped the door in my face,
telling me I must leam better manners before I could
have access to his master. Vexed at this disappoint-
ment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I
[ 180]
ENCOUNTER WITH A STRANGER
sharply reprimanded for his presumption ; but he, not
in the least regarding what I said, wrung the urine
out of his periwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung
it with such force against the street door of that house
from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving
way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leav-
ing me to foUow him as I could. Indeed there was
no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued him
with all the speed I could exert, until we found our-
selves about the dawn in a street we did not know.
Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very
decent sort of a man passing by me, stopped of a sud-
den, and took up something, which having examined,
he turned and presented it to me with these words:
" Sir, you have dropped half a crown." I was not
a little surprised at this instance of honesty, and
told him it did not belong to me; but ne bade me
recollect, and see if all my money was safe: upon
which I pulled out my purse (for I had bought one
since I came to town), and reckoning my money
in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas
seven shillings and twopence, assured him I had lost
nothing.
" Well, then," says he," so much the better — this
is a godsend; and, as you two were present when I
picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with
me." I was astonished at these words, and looked
upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but
[ISl]
RODERICK RANDOM
absolutely refused to take any part of the sum.
" Come, gentlemen," said he, " you are too modest
— I see you are strangers; hut you shall give me
leave to treat you with a whet this cold raw morn-
ing." I would have declined this invitation, hut
Strap whispered to me that the gentleman would he
affronted, and I complied. " Where shall we go ? "
said the stranger, " I am quite ignorant of this part
of the town." I informed him that we were in the
same situation: upon which he proposed to go into
the first puhlic-house we should find open; and, as
we walked together, he began in this manner: "I
find by your tongues you are from Scotland, gen-
tlemen. My grandmother by the father's side was
of your country; and I am so prepossessed in its
favour that I never meet a Scotchman hut my heart
warms. The Scots are a very brave people. There
is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot
boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors
many hundred years ago. There's your Douglasses,
Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such
ancient families here in England. Then you are all
very well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in
Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his
mother tongue. And, for honesty, I once had a ser-
vant, his name was Gregory Macgregor: I would have
trusted him with untold gold." — This eulogium on
my native country gained my affection so strongly
[ 132 ]
A HAND AT WHIST
that I believe I could have gone to death to serve
the author; and Strap''s eyes swam in tears.
At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane,
we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and
found a man sitting by the hre, smoking a pipe, with
a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked
us if ever we had drank egg-flip ? To which ques-
tion we answering in the negative, he assured us of a
regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling
for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found
this composition very palatable, and drank heartily;
the conversation, which was introduced by the gen-
tleman, turning upon the snares that young unex-
perienced people are exposed to in this metropolis.
He described a thousand cheats that are daily prac-
tised upon the ignorant and unwary; and warned us
of them with so much good nature and concern, that
we blessed the opportunity which threw us in his
way. After we had put the can about for some
time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us he
had been up all night with a sick person; and
proposed we should have recourse to some diver-
sion to keep him awake. " Suppose," said he, " we
should take a hand at whist for pastime. But let
me see, that won't do, there's only three of us; and I
cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom
or never play, but out of complaisance, or at such a
time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep."
[133]
RODERICK RANDOM
Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt
no aversion to pass an hour or two at cards with a
fiiend; and knowing that Strap understood as much
of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, " I
wish we could find a fourth hand." While we were
in this perplexity, the person whom we found in the
house at our entrance overhearing our discourse, took
the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted
us thus: " Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see (shak-
ing the ashes into the fire), and rather than you
should be balked, I don't care if I take a hand with
you for a trifle; but remember I won't play for any-
thing of consequence." We accepted this proffer with
pleasure.
Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play
with him against our friend and Strap, for three-
pence a game. We were so successful, that, in a
short time, I was half a crown gainer; when the
gentleman whom we had met in the street observing
he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or
change partners. By this time I was inflamed with
my good fortune and the expectation of improving
it, as I perceived the two strangers played but in-
differently. Therefore, I voted for giving him his
revenge; and, cutting again. Strap and I, to our
mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners. My
good fortune attended me still; and in less than an
hour we had got thirty shillings of their money; for,
[1S4]
A HAND AT WHIST
as they lost, they grew the keener, and doubled
stakes every time. At last the inconstant goddess
began to veer about; and we were very soon stripped
of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own
money. This loss mortified me extremely, and had a
visible effect on the muscles of Strap's face, which
lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving
our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our
loss, and console ourselves with a new acquisition.
Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to
be gone; upon which the pei-son who had joined us
in the house began to curse the cards, and muttered
that we were indebted to fortune only for what we
had got, no part of our success being owing to our
good play. This insinuation nettled me so much,
that I challenged him to a game of piquet for a
crown; and he was with difficulty persuaded to
accept the invitation. This contest ended in less
than an hour, to my inexpressible affliction, who lost
every shilling of my own money. Strap absolutely
refusing to supply me with a sixpence.
The gentleman at whose request we had come in,
perceiving, by my disconsolate looks, the situation
of my heart, which well-nigh bursted with grief
and resentment, when the other stranger got up and
went away with my money, began in this manner:
" I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would
willingly repair it, was it in my power. But what in
[135]
RODERICK RANDOM
the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your
fate so long ? It is always a maxim with gamesters
to pursue success as far as it will go, and to stop
whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young
man, and your passions too impetuous; you must
leam to govern them better. However, there is no
experience like that which is bought; you will be the
better for this the longest day you have to live. As
for the fellow who has got your money, I don't half
like him. Did not you observe me tip you the wink
to leave off in time ? " I answered, " No." " No,"
continued he, "you was too eager to mind anything
but the game. But harkee," said he, in a whisper,
" are you satisfied of that young man's honesty ? his
looks are a little suspicious; but I may be mis-
taken; he made a great many grimaces while he
stood behind you; this is a very wicked town."
I told him I was very well convinced of my com-
rade's integrity, and that the grimaces he mentioned
were doubtless owing to his anxiety at my loss.
" Oho ! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Land-
lord, see what's to pay." — The reckoning amounted
to eighteenpence, which having discharged, the gen-
tleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying
he should be very glad to see us again, departed.
[136]
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
STRAP MORAUSES PRESENTS HIS PURSE TO ME — WE
INFORM OUR LANDLORD OF MY MISFORTUNE HE
UNRAVEI-S THE MYSTERY 1 PRESENT MYSELF TO
CRINGER HE RECOMMENDS AND TURNS ME OVER
TO MR, STAYTAPE I BECOME ACQUAINTED WITH A
FELLOW-DEPENDANT, WHO EXPLAINS THE CHARAC-
TERS OF CRINGER AND STAYTAPE AND INFORMS
ME OF THE METHOD TO BE PURSUED AT THE NAVY
OFFICE AND SURGEONS^ HALL STRAP IS EMPLOYED.
IN our way to our lodging, after a profound
silence on both sides. Strap, with a hideous
groan, observed, that we had brought our pigs
to a fine market. To this observation I made
no reply; and he went on, " God send us well out of
this place; we have not been in London eight-and-
forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight-and-
forty thousand misfortunes. — We have been jeered,
reproached, buffeted, pissed upon, and at last stripped
of our money; and I suppose by and by we shall be
stripped of our skins. — Indeed, sus to the money part
of it, that was owing to our own folly; Solomon says,
Bra^ a fool in a mortar^ and he wiU never be isnse.
Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a
[137]
RODERICK RANDOM
pound of gold." This was no time for him to tamper
with my disposition, already mad with my loss, ^d
inflamed with resentment against him for having
refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it.
I therefore turned towards him with a stern counte-
nance, and asked, who he called fool ? Being alto-
gether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood
still, and stared in my face for some time; then, with
some confusion, uttered, " Fool! I called nobody fool
but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool of the
two, for being so much concerned at other people's
misfortunes ; but nemo omnibus horis sapit — that's all
— that's all." Upon which a silence ensued, that
brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself
upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to per-
ish rather than apply to my companion, or any other
body, for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper,
and whose heart bled within him at my distress, after
some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a leath-
em purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, " I
know what you think; but I scom your thoughts.
There's all I have in the world ; take it, and I '11 per-
haps get more for you before that be done. If not,
I '11 beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide
world with you, and starve with you; for though I
be a poor cobbler's son, I am no scout." I was so
touched with the generous passion of this poor crea-
ture, that I could not refrain from weeping also; and
[138]
THE LANDLORD'S ADVICE
we mingled our tears together for some time. Upon
examining the purse, I found in it two half guineas
and half a crown, which I would have returned to him,
saying, he knew better than I how to manage it; but
he absolutely refijsed my proposal, and told me, it was
more reasonable and decent that he should depend
upon me who was a gentleman, than that I should be
controlled by him.
After this fnendly contest was over, and our minds
more at ease, we informed our landlord of what had
happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity
to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the
story, than he assured us we had been giievously im-
posed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associ-
ates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane
person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other
than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his
business to decoy strangers in that manner to one of
his own haunts, where an accomplice or two were
always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had
run down. Here the good man i-ecounted a great
many stories of people who had been seduced, cheated,
pilfered, beat, nay even murdered by such villains.
I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of
mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to
heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such
scenes of iniquity; for surely the devil had set up his
throne in London. Our landlord being curious to
[139]
RODERICK RANDOM
know what reception we had met with at Mr.
Cringer's, we acquainted him with the particulars;
at which he shook his head, and told us, we had not
gone the right way to work; that^ there was nothing
to be done with a member of parliament without a
bribe that the servant was commonly infected with
the master's disease, and expected to be paid for his
work, as well as his bettere. He therefore advised
me to give the footman a shilling the next time I
should desire admittance to my patron, or else I should
scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter.
Accordingly, next morning, when the door was
opened, I slipped a shilling into his hand, and told
him I had a letter for his master, I found the good
effects of my liberality; for the fellow let me in
immediately, and taking the letter out of my hand,
desired me to wait in a kind of passage for an answer.
In this place I continued standing for three quarters
of an hour, during which time I saw a great many
young fellows, whom I formerly knew in Scotland,
pass and repass, with an air of familiarity, in their
way to and from the audience chamber; while I was
fain to stand shivering in the cold, and tiuTi my back
to them, that they might not perceive the lowness of
my condition. At length Mr. Cringer came out to
see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other
than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of
clothes. At parting, Mr. Cringer shook him by the
[110)
MR. CRINGER'S LEVEE
hand, and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of
his company at dinner; then turning about towards
me, asked what were my commands? When he
understood I was the person who had brought the
letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my
name, which, however, he pretended he could not do,
till he had consulted the letter again; to save him
that trouble, I told him my name was Random.
Upon which he went on, " Ay, ay. Random, Random,
Random — I think I remember the name "; and very
well he might, for this very individual Mr. Cringer
had many a time rode before my grandfather's cloak-
bag in quality of a footman. " Well," says he, " you
propose to go on board a man of war, as surgeon's
mate." I replied by a low bow. " I believe it will be
a difRcult matter," continued he, " to procure a war-
rant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch sur-
geons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next
vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of being
torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a guard
to protect them. However, some ships will soon be
put in commission, and then we shall see what's to
be done." So saying, he left me exceedingly morti-
fied at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had
met with from this upstart, proud, mean member,
who, I imagined, would have been glad of an oppor-
tunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to
my family.
(Ml)
RODERICK RANDOM
At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable
news of Strap's being employed, on the recommenda-
tion of his friend the schoolmaster, by a periwig,
maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five
shillings per week, besides bed and board, I continued
to dance attendance every other morning at the levee
of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight, in which time I
became acquainted with a young fellow of my own
country and profession, who also depended on the
member's interest; but was treated with much more
respect than I, both by the servants and master, and
often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire,
for the convenience of the better sort of those who
waited for him. Thither I was never permitted to
penetrate, on account of my appearance, which was
not at all fashionable: but was obliged to stand
blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first
opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to
speak with him. One day, while I enjoyed this oc-
casion, a person was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer
no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted
him with a bow to the very ground, and afterwards
shaking him by the hand with great heartiness and
familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked
very kindly after Mrs. Staytape, and the young ladies;
then, after a whisper which continued some minutes,
wherein I overheard the word honour rej)eated several
times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced
[ 142 ]
A NEW ACQUAINTANCE
me to this gentleman, as to a person whose advice
and assistance I might depend upon, and having
given me his direction, followed me to the door,
where he told me I need not give myself the trouble
to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would
do my business. At that instant my fellow-dependant
coming out after me, overheard the discourse of Mr.
Cringer, and making up to me in the street, accosted
me very civilly. This address I looked upon as no
small honour, considering the figure he made; for he
was dressed in a blue frock with a gold button, a
green silk waistcoat trimmed with gold, black velvet
breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-
laced hat, a Spencer wig, and a silver-hilted hanger,
with a fine clouded cane in his hand.
"I perceive," says he, "you are but lately come
from Scotland; pray what may your business with
Mr. Cringer be ? I suppose it is no secret — and I
may possibly give you some advice that may be ser-
viceable; for I have been surgeon's second mate on
board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know
a good deal of the world." I made no scruple to dis-
close my situation, which when he had learned, he
shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much
in the same circumstances about a year ago; that he
had relied on Cringer's promises, until his money
(which was considerable), as well as his credit, was
qiiite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations
[143]
RODERICK RANDOM
for a fresh supply, instead of money, he received
nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of " idle,"
"debauched fellow": that, after he had waited at
the Navy Office many months for a warrant, to no
purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes,
which raised a small sum, wherewith he bribed the
secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, not-
withstanding he had affirmed the same day, that
there was not .one vacancy: that he had gone on
board, where he remained nine months; at the end
of which the ship was put out of commission ; and
he said the company were to be paid off in Broad
Street the very next day: that his relations, being
reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs
regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by
letter that his interest alone had procured the war-
rant; in obedience to which command, he came to
his levee every morning as I saw, though he looked
upon him to be a very pitiful scoundrel. In conclu-
sion, he asked me if I had yet passed at Surgeons'
Hall ? To which question I answered, I did not so
much as know it was necessary. " Necessary!" cried
he, " O Lord, O Lord! I find I must instruct you —
come along with me, and I '11 give you some infor-
mation about that matter." So saying, he carried
me into an alehouse, where he called for some beer,
and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted.
While we sat in this place, he told me I must first go
[ 144 ]
A NEW ACQUAINTANCE
to the Navy Office, and write to the board, desiring
them to order a letter for me to the Surgeons' Hall,
that I might be examined touching my skill in sur-
gery: that the surgeons, after having examined me,
would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a
letter directed to the commissioners, which qualifica-
tion I must deliver to the secretary of the board, who
would open it in my presence, and read the contents.
After which I must employ my interest to be pro-
vided for as soon as possible. That the expense of
this qualification,^ for second mate of a third-rate,
amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the war-
rant, which cost him half a guinea and half a crown,
besides the present to the secretary, which consisted
of a three-|>ound-twelve piece.
This calculation was like a thunderbolt to me,
whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shil-
lings. I accordingly made him acquainted with this
part of my distress, after having thanked him for his
information and advice. He condoled me on this
occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had
conceived a friendship for me, and would make all
things easy. He was run out at present, but to-morrow
or next day he was certain of receiving a considerable
sum, of which he would lend me what would be suffi-
cient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration
pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse, and
emptied it before him, begging him to take what he
VOL. I. —10 [145]
RODERICK RANDOM
pleased for pocket expense, until he should receive
his own money. With a good deal of pressing he
was prevailed upon to take five shillings, telling me
that he might have what money he wanted at any
time for the trouble of going into the city; but as
he had met with me, he would defer his going thither
till to-morrow, when I should go along with him,
and he would put me in a way of acting for myself,
without any servile dependence on that rascal Crin-
ger, much less on the lousy tailor to whom I heard
him turn you over. " How," cried I; "is Mr. Stay-
tape a tailor ? " " No less, I '11 assure you," answered
he; " and, I confess, more likely to serve you than
the member; for, provided you can entertain him
with politics and conundrums, you may have credit
with him for as many and as rich clothes as you
please. I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both,
and so incensed at Cringer's usage, that I would never
set foot within his door again. After a good deal
more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted,
having made an appointment to meet the next day at
the same place, in order to set out for the city. I
went immediately to Strap, and related everything
which had happened; but he did not at all approve of
my being so forward to lend money to a stranger,
especially as we had already been so much imposed
upon by appearances. " However," said he, " if you
are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe."
[146]
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MY NEW ACQUAINTANCE BREAKS AN APPOINTMENT I
PROCEED BY MYSELF TO THE NAVY OFFICE AD-
DRESS MYSELF TO A PERSON THERE, WHO ASSISTS ME
WITH HIS ADVICE WRITE TO THE BOARD THEY
GRANT ME A LETTER TO THE SURGEONS AT THE HALL
AM INFORMED OF THE BEAU's NAME AND CHARAC-
TER FIND HIM HE MAKES ME HIS CONFIDENT IN
AN AMOUR DESIRES ME TO PAWN MY LINEN,-FOR
HIS OCCASIONS 1 RECOVER WHAT I LENT HIM
SOME CURIOUS OBSERVATIONS OF STRAP ON THAT
OCCASION HIS VANITY.
IN the morning I rose and went to the'place of
rendezvous, where I waited two hours in vain;
and was so exasperated against him for break-
ing his appointment, that I set out for the
city by myself, in hopes of Hnding the villain, and
being revenged on him for his breach of promise.
At length I found myself at the Navy Office, which
I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking
below, many of whom made no better appearance
than myself. I consulted the physiognomy of each,
and at last made up to one whose countenance I
liked; and asked if he could instruct me in the
[ U7 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
form of the letter which was to be sent to the board
to obtain an order for examination. He answered
me in broad Scotch, that he would show me the copy
of what he had writ for himself, by the direction of
another who knew the form; and accordingly pulled it
out of his pocket for my perusal; and told me that,
if I was expeditious, I might send it in to the board
before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon.
He then went with me to a coiFee-house hard by,
where I wrote the letter, which was immediately
delivered to the messenger; who told me I might
expect an order to-morrow about the same time.
Having transacted this piece of business, my mind
was a good deal composed; and as I met with so
much civility from this stranger, I desired further
acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not
to be deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I
had been by the beau. He agreed to dine with me
at the cook^s shop which I frequented ; and on our
way thither, carried me to 'Change, where I was in
some hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the
name of the person who had broke his appointment).
I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way
towards the other end of the town, imparted to my
companion his behaviour towards me. Upon which
he gave me to understand, that he was no stranger to
the name of Beau Jackson (so he was called at the
Navy Office), although he did not know him person-
[148]
DIMINISHING FUNDS
ally; that he had the character of a good-natured
careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing
from anybody that would lend; that most people
who knew him believed he had a good principle at
bottom; but his extravagance was such, he would
probably never have it in his power to manifest the
honesty of his intention. This account made me
sweat fot my five shillings, which I nevertheless did
not altogether despair of recovering, provided I could
find out the debtor. This young man likewise added
another circumstance of Squire Jackson^s history,
which was, that being destitute of all means to equip
himself for sea, when he received his last warrant, he
had been recommended to a person who lent him a
little money, after he had signed a will and power,
entitling that person to lift his wages when they
should become due, as also to inherit his effects in
case of his death. That he was still under the tutor-
age and direction of that gentleman, who advanced
him small sums from time to time upon his security
at the rate of 50 per cent. But at present his credit
was very low, because his funds would do little more
than pay what he had already received, this moderate
interest included. After the stranger (whose name
was Thomson) had entertained me with this account
of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had
passed for third mate of a third-rate, about four
months ago; since which time, he had constantly
[149]
RODERICK RANDOM
attended at the Navy Office in hope of a warrant,
having been assured from the beginning, both by a
Scotch memljer and one of the commissioners to whom
the member recommended him, that he should be
put into the first vacancy; notwithstanding which
promise, he had the mortification to see six or seven
appointed to the same station almost every week : that
now, being utteily impoverished, his sole hope con-
sisted in the promise of a friend lately come to town,
to lend him a small matter, for a present to the sec-
retary, without which he was persuaded he might
wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a
mighty liking for this young fellow, which, I believe,
proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes. We
spent the whole day together; and, as he lived at
Wapping, I desired him to take a share of my bed.
Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where,
after being called before the board, and questioned
about the place of my nativity and education, they
ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon
paying half a crown to the clerk, I received, and de-
livered into the hands of the clerk at Surgeons' Hall,
together with a shilling for his trouble in registering
my name. By this time my whole stock was dimin-
ished to two shillings, and I saw not the least pros-
pect of relief, even for present subsistence, much less
to enable me to pay the fees at Surgeons' Hall for my'
examination, which would come on in a fortnight.
[160]
DIMINISHING FUNDS
In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who
assured me, he would pawn everything he had in the
world, even to his razors, before I should want. But
this expedient I absolutely rejected, telling him, I
would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of
which I had some thoughts, than be any longer a
burden to him. At the word soldier, he grew pale
as death, and begged, on his knees, I would think no
more of that scheme. " God preserve us all in our
right wits!" cried he, " would you turn soldier, and
perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where
you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock ? —
Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcass! and let me
die in a bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers
have done. What signifies all the riches and honours
of this life, if one enjoys not content ? And, in the
next, there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor
honest barber with a good conscience, and time to re-
pent of my sins upon my deathbed, than be cut off
(God bless us) by a musket shot, as it were in the
very flower of one's ^e, in the pursuit of riches and
fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do not
they make unto themselves wings ? as the wise man
saith; and does not Horace observe, Non domtut etfun-
dus, non ceris acervus et auri, ^groto dommi dedux'd,
corpore febres^ Non ammo curas ? I could moreover
mention many other sayings in contempt of riches,
both from the Bible and other good books; but, as I
[151]
RODERICK RANDOM
know you are not very fond of those things, I shall
only assure you that, if you take on to be a soldier, I
will do the same; and then if we should both be slain,
you will not only have your own blood to answer
for, but mine also; and peradventure the lives of all
those whom we shall kill in battle. Therefore, I pray
you, consider whether you will sit down contented
with small things, and share the fruits of my industry
in peace, till Providence shall send better tidings ; or,
by your despair, plunge both our souls and bodies
into everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite
mercy forbid." I could not help smiling at this ha-
rangue, which was delivered with great earnestness,
the tears standing in his eyes all the time; and prom-
ised to do nothing of that sort without his consent
and concurrence. He was much comforted with this
declaration; and told me in a few days he should re-
ceive a week's wages, which should be at my service;
but advised me, in the meantime, to go in quest of
Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had bor-
rowed of me.
I accordingly trudged about from one end of the
town to the other for several days, without being able
to learn anything certain concerning him ; and, one
day, being extremely hungry, and allured by the
steams that regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I
went down with an intention to gratify my appetite
with twopennyworth of beef; when, to my no small
[ 152 ]
BEAU JACKSON
surprise, I found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a
footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up
and shook me by the hand, saying, he was glad to
see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings
in the afternoon. I was so well pleased with this ren-
contre, and the apologies he made for not keeping his
appointment, that 1 forgot my resentment, and sat
down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not
only recovering my own money before we should part,
but also of reaping the beneHt of his promise to lend
me wherewithal to pass examination; and this hope
my sanguine complexion suggested, though the
account Thoinson gave me of him ought to have
moderated my expectation. When we had feasted
sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and
adjourned with me to an alehouse hard by, where,
after shaking me by the hand again, he began thus:
" I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random,
and I do confess that appearances are against me.
But I daresay you will forgive me, when I tell you,
my not coming at the time appointed was owing to
a peremptory message I received from a certain lady,
whom, harkee, (but this is a great secret,) I am to
marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps,
but it is not less true for all that — a five thou-
sand pounder, 111 assure you, besides expectations.
For my own part, devil take me if I know what
any woman can see engaging about me — but a
[158]
RODERICK RANDOM
whim, you know; and then one would not balk one's
good fortune. You saw that footman who dined
with us — he's one of the honestest fellows that ever
wore a livery. You must know, it was by his means
I was introduced to her, for he meuie me first
acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress; ay,
many a crown has he and his sweetheart had of my
money; but what of that ? things sure now brought
to a bearing. I have — come a little this way — I
have proposed marriage, and the day is fixed; she's
a charming creature; writes like an angel. O Lord!
she can repeat all the English tragedies as well as
e'er a player in Drury Lane! and indeed is so fond of
plays, that, to be near the stage, she has taken lodgings
in a court hard by the theatre. But you shall see —
you shall see — here's the last letter she sent me." —
With these words, he put into my hand, and I read,
to the best of my remembrance, as follows ; —
" Deer Kreeter, — As you are the animable hopjack
of my contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skim-
ming before my keymeryeal fansee, when Murfy sends
his puppies to the heys of slipping mortals; and when
Febus shines from his merrydying throne. Whereupon,
I shall canseeif old whorie time has lost his pinners, as
also Cupid his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet propose
in the loafseek harms of thy faithfool to commend,
Clayrender."
" Wingar-yeard, Droory-lane,
January 12th."
[154]
JACKSON'S AMOUR
While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy,
rubbing his hands, and bursting out into fits of
laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and,
squeezing it, cried, " There is style for you! what do
you think of this billet-doux ?" I answered, " It
might be sublime for aught I knew, for it was alto-
gether above my comprehension." — " Oho!" said
he, " I believe it is both tender and sublime —she's
a divine creature! — and so doats upon me ! Let
me see, what shall I do with this money, when I have
once got it into my hands ? In the first place, I shall
do for you — I'm a man of few words; but, say no
more, that's determined — whether would you advise
me to purchase some post, ^ which I may rise in the
state; or lay out my wife's fortune in land, and
retire to the country at once ? " — I gave my opinion
without hesitation, that he could not do better than
buy an estate and improve; especially since he had
already seen so much of the world. Then I launched
out into the praises of a country life, as described by
the poets whose works I had read. He seemed to
relish my advice, but withal told me, that, although
he had seen a great deal of the world, both by land
and sea, having cruised three whole months in the
Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he had
visited France, which he proposed to do before he
should settle; and to carry his wife along with him.
I had nothing to object to his proposal; and
[155]
RODERICK RANDOM
asked how soon he hoped to be happy ? " As to
that," he replied, " nothing obstructs my happiness,
but the want of a little ready cash; for you must
know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for
a week or two; and I unfortunately missed my pay at
Broad Street, by being detained too long by the dear
charmer; but there will be a recall at Chatham next
week, whither the ship's books are sent, and I have
commissioned a friend in that place to receive the
money." " If that be all," said I, " there's no great
harm in deferring your marriage a few days." —
" Yes, faith! but there is," said he; " you don't know
how many rivals I have, who would take all ad van-
tages against me. I would not balk the impatience of
her passion for the world; the least appearance of
coldness and indifference would ruin all: and such
offers don't occur every day." I acquiesced in this
observation, and inquired how he intended to pro-
ceed : at this question, he rubbed his chin, and said,
" Why, truly, I must be obliged to some friend or
other — do you know of nobody that would lend me
a small sum for a day or two — I assured him, I
was such an utter stranger in London, that I did not
believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended
upon it. " No !" said he, " that's hard — that's
hard. I wish I had anything to pawn; upon my soul
you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my
shirt) ; how many shirts of that kind have you got ? "
[156]
THE THREE BLUE BALLS
— I answered, "Six ruffled and six plain'"; — at
which he testified great surprise, and swore that no
gentleman ought to have more than four. " How
many d' ye think I have got ? " continued he. " But
this and another, as I hope to be saved ! I daresay
we shall be able to raise a good sum out of your
superfluity — let me see — let me see — each of these
shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate compu-
tation; now suppose we pawn them for half price,
eight times eight is sixty-four, that's three pounds
four; zounds ! that will do; give me your hand." —
" Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson," said I, " don't dispose
of my linen without my consent; first pay me the
crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other
matters." He protested he had not above one shil-
ling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of
the first of the money raised from the shirts.
This piece of assurance incensed me so much, that
I swore I would not part with him until I had
received satisfaction for what I had lent him; and, as
for the shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save
him from the gallows. At this expression, he laughed
aloud, and then complained it was d—n'd hard, that
I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly
enable him not only to make his own fortune, but
mine also. " You talk of pawning my shirts," said I,
" suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson ?
I believe it would fetch a good round sum." — " No,
[167]
RODERICK RANDOM
hang it," said he, " I can't appear decently without
my hanger, or egad it should go." However, seeing
me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length
unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the sign of
the three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and
pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no
means have performed, had I seen any likelihood of
having my money otherwise; but not willing, out of
a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportu-
nity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a
pawnbroker's shop, where I demanded two guineas on
the pledge in the name of Thomas Williams. "Two
guineas!" said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger;
" this piece of goods has been here several times before
for thirty shillings; however, since I believe the gentle-
man to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have
what he wants"; and accordingly, he paid me the
money, which I carried to the house where I had
left Jackson, and, calling for change, counted out to
him seven-and-thirty shillings, reserving the other
five for myself.
After looking at the money some time, he said:
" D—n it! it don't signify — this won't do my busi-
ness; so you may as well take half a guinea, or a
whole one, as the five shillings you have kept." I
thanked him kindly ; but I refused to accept of any
more than was my due, because I had no prospect
of repaying it. Upon which declaration, he stared in
(168)
STRAPS OBSERVATIONS
ny face, and told me, I was excessively raw, or I
Vould not talk in that manner. " Blood," cried he,
" I have a very bad opinion of a yoimg fellow who
won't borrow of his friend when he is in want; 't is
the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come. Random,
give me back the five shillings, and take this half-
guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe
you will; if not, d—n me if ever I ask it." When
I reflected on my present necessity, I suffered myself
to be persuaded; and, after making my acknowledg-
ments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me with
a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better
opinion of this gentleman than I had in the mom-
ing; and at night imparted my day's adventures to
Strap, who rejoiced at the good luck, saying, " I told
you, if he was a Scotchman, you was safe enough;
and who knows but this marriage may make us all ?
You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of
ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great
lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. Ecod!
I say nothing; but yesterday morning, as I was
a shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was
a young lady in the room — a fine buxom wench,
i' faith! and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a
certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart
went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and
my hand sh—sh—shook so much that I sliced a piece
of skin off the gentleman's nose. Whereby he swore
1159 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when
she prevented him, and made my peace. Omen hand
nudum! Is not a journeyman barber as good as a
journeyman baker ? The only difference is, the baker
uses flour for the belly, and the barber uses it for the
head. And as the head is a more noble member
than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a
baker; for what's the belly without the head ? Be-
sides, I am told he could neither read nor write; now
you know I can do both, and, moreover, speak
Latin. But I will say no more, for I despise vanity;
nothing is more vain than vanity." With these
words he pulled out of his pocket a wax candle's end,
which he applied to his forehead ; and, upon exam-
ination, I found he had combed his own hair over
the toupee of his wig, and was indeed in his whole
dress become a very smart shaver. I congratulated
him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he
understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed
I had very little faith, but the truth would come to
light in spite of my incredulity.
[160]
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I GO TO SURGEONS' HALL, WHERE I MEET WITH MR. JACK-
SON AM EXAMINED A FIERCE DISPUTE ARISES
BETWEEN TWO OF THE EXAMINERS JACKSON DIS-
GUISES HIMSELF TO ATTRACT RESPECT IS DETECTED
IN HAZARD OF BEING SENT TO BRIDEWELL HE
TREATS US AT A TAVERN CARRIES US TO A NIGHT
HOUSE A TROUBLESOME ADVENTURE THERE WE
ARE COMMITTED TO THE ROUND HOUSE CARRIED
BEFORE A JUSTICE HIS BEHAVIOUR.
tion, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons'
Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. Among
a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward
hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immedi-
ately went up, and inquiring into the state of his
amour, understood it was still undetermined by
reason of his friend's absence, and the delay of the
recall at Chatham, which put it out of his power to
bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his
business was in this place? he replied, he was
V0L.I.-11 [161]
ITH the assistance of this faithful
adherent, who gave me almost all the
money he earned, I preserved my half-
guinea entire till the day of examina-
RODERICK RANDOM
resolved to have two strings to his bow, that in case
the one failed he might use the other; and, with
this view, he was to pass that night for a higher
qualification. At that instant a young fellow came
out from the place of examination with a pale coun-
tenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as
if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared,
than we all flocked about him with the utmost
eagerness to know what reception he had met with;
which, after some pause, he described, recounting all
the questions they had asked, with the answers he
made. In this manner, we obliged no less than
twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was
past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my
lot: at length the beadle called my name, with a
voice that m6ule me tremble as much 6is if it had
been the sound of the last trumpet: however, there
was no remedy: I was conducted into a large hall,
where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a
long table; one of whom bade me come forward, in
such an imperious tone that I was actually for a
minute or two bereft of my senses. The first ques-
tion he put to me was, " Where was you bom ?"
To which I answered, " In Scotland." — " In Scot-
land," said he; "I know that very well; we have
scarce any other countrymen to examine here; you
Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts
did Egypt: I ask you in what part of Scotland was
[ 162 J
A BOARD OF EXAMINERS
you born ? " I named the place of my nativity, which
he had never before heard of: he then proceeded to
interrogate me about my age, the town where I
served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship;
and when I informed him that I served three years
only, he fell into a violent passion ; swore it was a
shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the
world as surgeons; that it was a great presumption
in me, and an affront upon the English, to pretend
to sufficient skill in my business, having served so
short a time, when every apprentice in England was
bound seven years at least; that my fnends would
have done better if they had made me a weaver or
shoemaker, but their pride would have me a gentle-
man, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty
could not afford the necessary education.
This exordium did not at all contribute to the
recovery of my spirits, but, on the contrary, reduced
me to such a situation that I was scarce able to
stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman
who sat opposite to me, with a skull before him, he
said, Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young
man; and, turning towards me, told me, I need not
to be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm;
then bidding me take time to recollect myself, he
examined me touching the operation of the trepan,
and was very well satisfied with my answers. The
next person who questioned me was a wag, who
[163]
RODERICK RANDOM
b^an by asking if I had ever seen amputation per-
formed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook
his head, and said, " What! upon a dead subject, I
suppose ? " " If," continued he, " during an engage-
ment at sea, a man should be brought to you with
his head shot off, how would you behave ? " After
some hesitation, I owned such a case had never come
under my observation, neither did I remember to
have seen any method of cure proposed for such an
accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had
perused. Whether it was owing to the simplicity
of my answer, or the archness of the question, I
know not, but every member of the board deigned
to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have
very little of the animal rvnbile in his constitution.
The facetious member, encouraged by the success of
his last joke, went on thus: " Suppose you was
called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had
been bruised by a fall, what would you do.?" I
answered, I would bleed him immediately. " What,"
said he, " before you had tied up his arm ? " But
this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he
desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat
next him; and who, with a pert air, asked what
method of cure I would follow in wounds of the
intestines. I repeated the method of cure as it is
prescribed by the best chirurgical writers; which he
heard to an end, and then said, with a supercilious
[164]
A BOARD OF EXAMINERS
smile, " So you think by such treatment the patient
might recover?" I told him I saw nothing to make
me think otherwise. " That may be," resumed he,
"I won't answer for your foresight; but did you
ever know a case of this kind succeed "; I answered
I did not; and was about to tell him I had never
seen a wounded intestine; but he stopped me, by
saying, with some precipitation, " Nor never will.
I affirm, that all wounds of the intestines, whether
great or small, are mortal." — " Pardon me, brother,"
says the fat gentleman, " there is very good author-
ity."—Here he was interrupted by the other, with
"Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority. NuUiits in
verba. I stand upon my own bottom." — " But, sir,
sir," replied his antagonist, " the reason of the thing
shows." — "A fig for reason," cried this sufficient
member," I laugh at reason; give me ocular demon-
stration." The corpulent gentleman began to wax
warm, and observed, that no man acquainted with
the anatomy of the parts would advance such an
extravagant assertion. This innuendo enraged the
other so much that he started up, and in a furious
tone, exclaimed, " What, sir! do you question my
knowledge in anatomy ? " By this time, all the ex-
aminers had espoused the opinion of one or other of
the disputants, and raised their voices all together,
when the chairman commanded silence, and ordered
me to withdraw. In less than a quai^r of an hour
[165]
RODERICK RANDOM
I was called in again, received my qualification
sealed up, and was ordered to pay five shillings.
I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and
stood some time, until one of them bade me begone;
to this I replied, "I will, when I have got my
change"; upon which another threw me five shillings
and sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotch-
man if I went away without my change. I was after-
wards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to
the beadles, and a shilling to an old woman who
swept the hall. This disbursement sunk my finances
to thirteenpence hal^enny, with which I was sneak-
ing olF, when Jackson perceiving it, came up to me,
and begged I would tarry for him, and he would
accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon
as his examination should be over. I could not refuse
this to a person that was so much my fiiend ; but I
was astonished at the change of his dress, which was
varied in half an hour from what I have already de-
scribed, to a very grotesque fashion. His head was
covered with an old smoked tie wig that did not
boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat over it,
which would have very well become a chimney-
sweeper or a dustman ; his .neck was adorned with a
black crape, the ends of which he had twisted, and
fixed in the button-hole of a shabby great-coat that
wrapped up his whole body ; his white silk stockings
were converted into black worsted hose; and his
[166]
JACKSON'S DISGUISE
countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and
a beard of his own painting.
When I expressed my surprise at this metamor-
phosis, he laughed, and told me, it was done by the
advice and assistance of a friend who lived over the
way, and would certainly produce something very
much to his advantage ; for it gave him the appear-
ance of age, which never fails of attracting respect.
I applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience
for the effects of it. At length he was called in, but
whether the oddness of his appearance excited a cur-
iosity more than usual in the board, or his behaviour
was not suitable to his figure, I know not; he was
discovered to be an impostor, and put into the hands
of the beadle, in order to be sent to Bridewell. So
that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerhil
countenance, and a surgeon's qualification in his
hand, I perceived him led through the outward hall
as a prisoner, and was very much alarmed and an-
xious to know the occasion; when he called with a
lamentable voice and piteous aspect to me, and some
others who knew him, " For God's sake, gentlemen,
bear witness that I am the same individual John
Jackson, who served as simgeon's second mate on
board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell."
It would have been impossible for the most austere
hermit that ever lived to have refrained from laugh-
ing at his appearance and address; we therefore
[167 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and
afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the
beadle, who was gratified with half a crown, that
the prisoner was dismissed, and, in a few moments,
resumed his former gaiety; swearing, since the board
had refused his money, he would spend it every shil-
ling before he went to bed in treating his friends; at
the same time inviting us all to favour him with our
company. It was now ten o'clock at night, and as I
had a great way to walk, through streets that were
utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed upon to be
of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accom>
pany me to my lodgings, according to his promise.
He conducted us to his friend's house, who kept a
tavern over the way, where we continued drinking
punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and
made us all extremely frolicsome : I in particular was
so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a
wench, at which demand Jackson expressed much joy,
and assured me I should have my desire before we
parted. Accordingly, when we had paid the reckon-
ing, we sallied out, roaring and singing; and were
conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal
entertainment, where I immediately attached myself
to a fair one, with whom I proposed to spend the
remaining part of the night; but she not relishing
my appearance, refused to grant my request before I
should have made her an acknowledgment; which
1168]
ADVENTURE AT A NIGHT HOUSE
not suiting with my circumstances, we broke off our
correspondence, to my no small mortification and
resentment, because I thought the mercenary creature
had not done justice to my merit. In the meantime,
Mr. Jackson''s dress had attracted the inclinations
and assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded
him with caresses, in return for the arrack punch with
which he treated them; till at length, notwithstanding
the sprightly sallies of those charmers, sleep began
to exert his power over us all; and our conductor
called, "To pay." When the bill was brought,
which amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand
in his pocket, but might have saved himself the
trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident dis-
concerted him a great deal at first; but, after some
recollection, he seized the two Dulcineas who sat by
him, one in each hand, and swore, if they did not
immediately restore his money, he would charge a
constable with them.
The good lady at the bar, seeing what had passed,
whispered something to the drawer, who went out;
and then, with great composure, asked what was the
matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore,
if she refiised him satisfaction, he would have her and
her whores committed to Bridewell. "Robbed,"
cried she, " robbed in my house! Gentlemen and
ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has
scandalised my reputation." At that instant seeing the
[169]
RODERICK RANDOM
constable and watch enter, she proceeded, " What
you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions
to ruin my character, but even commit an assault
upon my family! Mr. Constable, I charge you with
this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot
here; I shall take care and bring an action against
him for defamation." While I was reflecting on this
melancholy event, which had made me quite sober,
the lady whose favours I had solicited, being piqued
at some repartee that passed between us, cried,
" They are all concerned "; and desired the constable
to take us all into custody; an arrest which was per-
formed instantly, to the utter astonishment and des-
pair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in
such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged
the constable in his turn with the landlady and her
whole bevy: upon which we were carried all together
prisoners to the Round House; where Jackson, after
a word of comfort to us, informed the constable of
his being robbed, to which he said he would swear
next morning before the justice. " Ay, ay," says the
bawd, " we sheiU see whose oath will most signify."
In a little time, the constable, calling Jackson into
another room, spoke to him thus; «I perceive that
you and your company are strangers, and am very
Sony for your being involved in such an ugly busi-
ness. I have known this woman a great while ; she
has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood
[170]
TAKEN BEFORE A JUSTICE
this many years, and, although often complained of
as a nuisance, still escapes, through her interest with
the justices, to whom she, and all of her employment,
pay contribution quarterly for protection. As she
charged me with you first, her complaint will have
the preference; and she csm procure evidence to
swear whatever she shall please to desire of them.
So that unless you can make it up before morning,
you and your companions may think yourselves
happily quit for a month's hard labour in Bridewell.
Nay, if she should swear a robbery or assault against
you, you will be committed to Newgate, and tried
next sessions at the Old Bailey for your life." This
last piece of information had such an effect upon
Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his
money might be restored. The constable told him,
that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was
pretty certain it would cost him some more before
they would come to any composition. But, however,
he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased,
sound them about a mutual release. The unfortu-
nate beau thanked him for his friendship, and return-
ing to us, acquainted us with the substance of this
dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in
private with our adversary, carried her into the next
room, and pleaded our cause so effectually, that she
condescended to make him umpire : he accordingly
proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent;
[11]
RODERICK RANDOM
and he fined each party in three shillings, to be laid
out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all
animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late
acquaintances and me, who had been in the state of
the damned ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell
and Newgate. By the time we had finished our
bowl, to which, by the by, I had contributed my last
shilling, it was morning; and I proposed to move
homeward, when the constable gave me to under-
stand, he could discharge no prisoners, but by order
of the justice, before whom we must appear. This
renewed my chagrin; and I cursed the hour in which
I had yielded to Jackson's invitation. About nine
o'clock we were escorted to the house of a certain
justice, not many miles distant from Covent Garden;
who no sooner saw the constable enter with a train
of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as
follows: " So, Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man —
What den of rogues have you been scouring ? " Then
looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he
continued, "Ay, ay, thieves, I see — old offenders —
O your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose
these fellows have been taken robbing your house —
yes, yes, here's an old acquaintance of mine — you
have used expedition," said he to me, " in returning
from transportation; but we shall save you the
trouble for the future — the surgeons will fetch you
from your next transportation at their expense." I
[172]
TAKEN BEFORE A JUSTICE
assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he
had never seen me in his life before. To this decla-
ration he replied, ** How ! you impudent rascal, dare
you say so to my face ? Do you think I am to be
imposed upon by that northern accent which you
have assumed? but it shan't avail you—you shall
find me too far north for you. Here, clerk, write
this fellow's mittimus. His name is Patrick 6a-
hagan."
Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was
a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a
good family, and that my name was Random. The
justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon
his memory, on which he valued himself much; and
strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce countenance,
put his hands in his sides, and said, " Who are you,
. sir ? Do you give me the lie ? Take notice, gen-
tlemen, here's a fellow who affronts me upon the
bench; but I '11 lay you fast, sirrah, I will; for not-
withstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a
notorious felon." My friend was so much abashed
at this menace, which was thundered out with great
vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained
speechless. This confiision his worship took for a
symptom of guilt, and to complete his discovery,
continued his threats — " Now, I am convinced you
are a thief—yoiu: face discovers it — you tremble
all over—your conscience won't lie still — you'll be
[178]
RODERICK RANDOM
hanged, sirrah,"raising his voice, "you'll be hanged;
and happy had it been for the world, as well as your
own miserable soul, if you had been detected and
cut off in the beginning of your career. Come
hither, clerk, and take this man's confession." I
was in an agony of consternation, when the consta-
hie, going into another room with his worship,
acquainted him with the truth of the story; which
having learned, he returned with a smiling counte-
nance, and addressing himself to us all, said it was
always his way to terrify young people, when they
came before him, that his threats might make a
strong impression on their minds, and deter them
from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery,
which commonly ended before the judge. Thus
having cloaked his own want of discernment under
the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and
I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain
had been lifted off my breast.
[mi
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I CARRY MY QUALIFICATION TO THE NAVY OFFICE THE
NATURE OF IT THE BEHAVIOUR OF THE SECRETARY
STRAP'S CONCERN FOR MY ABSENCE A BATTLE
BETWEEN HIM AND A BLACKSMITH THE TROUBLE-
SOME CONSEQUENCE OF IT HIS HARANGUE TO ME
HIS FRIEND THE SCHOOLMASTER RECOMMENDS
ME TO A FRENCH APOTHECARY) WHO ENTERTAINS ME
AS A JOURNEYMAN.
I WOULD willingly have gone home to sleep,
but was told by my companions, that we
must deliver our letters of qualification at
the Navy Office before one o'clock; accord-
ingly we went thither, and gave them to the secre-
tary, who opened and read them; and I was mightily
pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a
third-rate. When he had stuck them all together on
a file, one of our company asked if there were any
vacancies ? to which interrogation he answered, No.
Then I ventured to inquire if any ships were to be
put in commission soon? At which question he
surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt, and,
pushing us out of his office, locked the door, with-
out deigning us another word. We went down-
[iwi
RODERICK RANDOM
stairs, and conferred together on our expectations,
when I understood that each of them had been
recommended to one or other of the commissioners,
and each of them promised the first vacancy that
should fall; but that none of them relied solely
upon that interest, without a present to the secre-
tary, with whom some of the commissioners went
snacks. For which reason each of them had pro-'
vided a small purse; and I was asked what I
proposed to give?
This was a vexatious question to me, who, far
from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous sec-
retary, had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner.
I therefore answered, I had not yet determined what
to give; and sneaked off towards my own lodgings,
cursing my fate all the way, and inveighing with
much bitterness against the barbarity of my grand-
father, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who
left me a prey to contempt and indigence. Full of
these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house
where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great
anxiety on my account; for this honest man believed
I had met with some dismal accident, and that he
should never see me again. Strap, who had come to
visit me in the morning, understanding 1 had been
abroad all night, was almost distracted, and, after
having obtained leave of his master, had gone in
quest of roe, though he was even more ignorant of
(TO)
STRAP AND THE BLACKSMITH
the town than 1. Not being willing to inform my
landlord of my adventure, I told him I had met with
an acquaintance at Surgeons' Hall, with whom I
spent the evening and night, but being very much
infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and there-
fore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I
went to bed, and desired to be awakened, if Strap
should happen to come while I should be asleep. I
was accordingly roused by my fnend himself, who
entered my chamber about three o'clock in the after-
noon; and presented a figure to my eyes, that I
could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate
shaver, setting out towards Surgeons' Hall, had in-
quired for me there to no purpose; from thence he
found his way to the Navy Office, where he could hear
no tidings of me, because I was unknown to every-
body then present; he afterwards went upon 'Change,
in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but
without success.
At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he
resolved to ask everybody he met in the street, if
perchance anyone could give him information about
me; and actually put his resolution in practice, in
spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which
he was answered; until a blacksmith's 'prentice, see-
ing him stop a porter with a burden on his back,
and hearing his question, for which he received a
hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person he
VOL. I.-12 ,[177]
RODERICK RANDOM
inquired after was not a Scotchman ? Strap replied
with great eagerness, "Yes, and had on a brown
coat with long skirts." " The same," said the black-
smith, " I saw him pass by an hour ago." " Did
you so ? " cried Strap, rubbing his hands. " Odd! I
am very glad of that — which way went he.?"
" Towards Tyburn in a cart," said he; " if you make
good speed, you may get thither time enough to see
him hanged." This piece of wit incensed my friend
to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith
scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half
a farthing. "No, no," said the other, stripping,
"I'll have none of your money — you Scotchmen
%ldom carry any about with you — but I'll fight
you for love." There was a ring immediately formed
by the mob; and Strap, finding he could not get off
honourably without fighting, at the same time bum-
ing with resentment against his adversaiy^ quitted
his clothes to the care of the multitude, and the
battle began with great violence on the side of Strap,
who in a few minutes exhausted his breath and
spirits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the
assault with great coolness, till, finding the barber
quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him
with such interest, that Strap, after having received
three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed
the blacksmith to be the better man.
The victory being thus decided, it was proposed
1178]
TROUBLESOME CONSEQUENCE
to adjourn to a cellar hard by, and drink friends.
But when my fHend began to gather up his clothes,
he perceived that some honest person or other had
made free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig,
which were carried off; and probably his coat and
waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had
they been worth stealing. It was in vain for him to
make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spec-
tators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which
he accomplished with much difficulty, and appeared
before me all besmeared with blood and dirt. Not-
withstanding this misfortune, such was his transport
at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled
and stunk me to death with his embraces. After he
had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts,
and a woollen nightcap, I recounted to him the par-
ticulars of my night's Campaign, which filled him
with admiration, and made him repeat with great
energy an observation which was often in his mouth,
namely, " that surely London is the devil's drawing-
room." As neither of us had dined, he desired me
to get up; and the milkwoman coming round at
that instant, he went downstairs, and brought up a
quart, with a penny brick, on which we made a com-
fortable meal. He then shared his money with me,
which amounted to eighteenpence, and left me, with
an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of his
fnend the schoolmaster.
(179]
RODERICK RANDOM
H« was no sooner gone, than I began to considar
my situation with great uneasiness, and revolved all
the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order
to choose and pursue some one that might procure
me bread; for it is impossible to express the pangs
I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence
in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber's
boy. My pride took the alarm, and having no
hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a
resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards next day,
be the event what it would. This extravagant
design, by flattering my disposition, gave great sat-
isfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head
of my own regiment, when Strap's return interrupted
my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a
present of the tie wig which he wore when I was
introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose
brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though
Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he
did not choose to entertain the mob by day; there-
fore went to work immediately, and reduced them
both to a moderate size. While he was employed in
this office, he addressed me thus: " To be sure, Mr.
Random, you are bom a gentleman, and have a
great deal of learning — and indeed look like a gentle-
man; for, as to person, you may hold up yoiu* head
with the best of them. On the other hand, I am
a poor but honest cobbler's sOn — my mother was
[180]
STRAP'S HARANGUE
as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such
time as she took to drinking, which you very well
know — but everybody has failings — humanum est
errare. Now, for myself, I am a poor journeyman
barber, tolerably well made, and understand some
Latin, and have a smattering of Greek — but what
of that? perhaps I might also say that I know a
little of the world — but that is to no purpose —
though you be gentle and I simple, it does not fol-
low but that I who am simple may do a good office
to you who are gentle. Now this is the case — my
kinsman the schoolmaster — perhaps you did not
know how nearly he is related to me — I '11 satisfy
you in that presently — his mother and my grand-
mother's sister's nephew — no, that's not it — my
grandfather's brother's daughter — rabbit it! I
have forgot the degree, but this I know, he and I
are cousins seven times removed." My impatience
to know the good office he had done me got the
better of my temper, and interrupted him at this
place, with," D—n your relation and pedigree! if the
schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage to me,
why don't you tell me without all this preamble ?"
When I pronounced these words with some vehe-
mence. Strap looked at me for some time with a
grave countenance, and then went on ; " Surely my
pedigree is not to be d—n'd, because it is not so noble
as yours. I am very sorry to see such an alteration
RODERICK RANDOM
in your temper of late — you was always fiery, but
now you are grown as crabbed as old Perriwinkle the
drunken tinker, on whom you and I, God forgive us,
played so many unlucky tricks, while we were at
school But I will no longer detain you in suspense,
because, doubtless, nothing is more uneasy than
doubt — duMo, procul dubio, nU dvbius. My fi'iend,
or relation, or which you will, or both, the school-
master, being informed of the regard I have for you
— for, you may be sure, I did not fail to let him
know your good qualities — by the by, he has
undertaken to teach you the pronimciation of the
English tongue, without which, he says, you will be
unfit for business in this country — I say my relation
has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary
who wants a journeyman; and, on his recommen-
dation, you may have fifteen pounds per year, bed
and board, whenever you please.'" I was too much
interested in this piece of news to entertain it with
indifference; but, jumping up, insisted on Strap's
immediately accompanying me to the house of his
friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through
the least delay or neglect on my part.
We were informed that the schoolmaster was in
company at a public-house in the neighbourhood,
whither we repaired, and found him drinking with
the very individual apothecary in question. When
he was called to the door at our desire, and observed
[ 182]
INTRODUCTION TO LAVEMENT
my impatience, he broke out into his usual term of
admiration: " O Ch—st! I suppose, when you heard
of this offer, you did not take leisure enough to
come downstairs, but leapt out of the window; did
you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your
way! It is a mercy of God you did not knock your
brains out against some post in your career. O my
conscience! I believe, had I been in the inmost
recesses of my habitation, — the very penetralia^ —
even in bed with niy wife; your eagerness would
have surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and every-
thing. The den of Cacus or Sanctum Sanctorum
could not have hid me from you. But come along,
the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house, I
will present you to him forthwith." When I en-
tered the room, I perceived four or five people smok-
ing, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus:
" Mr. Lavement, here's the young man of whom I
spoke to you." The apothecary, who was a little
old withered man, with a forehead about an inch
high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheek-bones
that helped to form a pit for his little grey eyes, a
great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side
in wrinkles like the alforjas of a baboon; and a
mouth so accustomed to that contraction which
produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a
syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth,
which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly,
[183]
RODERICK RANDOM
by anatomists, called canine; — this person, I say,
after having eyed me some time, said, " Oho, 't is
very well, Mons. Concordance; — young man, you
are ver welcome, take one coup of hierre — and come
to mine house to-marrow morning: Mons. Concord-
ance vil show you de way." Upon this I made my
how, and as I went out of the room, could hear him
say, " Ma fdi! c'est un beau garfon, c'est un gal-
liardP As I had, hy my own application, while I
served Crah, acquired the French tongue well enough
to read authors written in that language, and un-
derstand anything that occurred in conversation, I
determined to pretend ignorance to my new master,
that he and his family, whom I supposed to he of
the same country, not being on the reserve before
me, might possibly discover something in discourse,
which would either yield me amusement or advantage.
Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the
apothecary's house, where the bargain was made,
and orders given to provide an apartment for me
immediately. But, before I entered upon business,
the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who
gave me credit for a suit of clothes to be paid out
of the first moiety of my wages, and they were begun
upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated
me with a new hat, on the same terms; so that, in a
few days, I hoped to make a very fashionable appear-
ance. In the meantime. Strap conveyed my bag-
[184]
INTRODUCTION TO LAVEMENT
gage to the place allotted for me, which was a back
room up two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet
for me to lie upon, a chair vnthout a back, an earthen
chamber-pot without a handle, a bottle by way of
candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead
of a mirror, the rest of its ornaments having been
lately removed to one of the garrets, for the con-
venience of the servant of an Irish captain, who
lodged in the first floor.
[185]
CHAPTER NINETEEN
THE CHARACTEBS OP ME. LAVEMENT, HIS WIFE, AND
DAUGHTER SOME ANECDOTES OF THE FAMILY
THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RIVALS I AM
GUILTY OF A MISTAKE THAT GIVES ME PRESENT
SATISFACTION, BUT IS ATTENDED WITH TROUBLE-
SOME CONSEQUENCES.
Next day, while I was at work in the
shop, a bouncing damsel, well dressed,
came in, on pretence of finding a phial
for some use or other; and taking an
opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her,
of observing me narrowly, went away with a silent
look of disdain. I easily guessed her sentiments,
and my pride took the resolution of entertaining
the same indifference and neglect towards her. At
dinner, the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen,
gave me to understand that this was my master's
only daughter, who would have a very handsome
fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a
great many yovmg gentlemen made their addresses
to her; that she had been twice on the brink of mar-
riage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her
[186]
THE LAVEMENT FAMILY
father, who refused to part with a shilling to pro-
mote the match; for which reason the young lady
did not behave to her father with all the filial
veneration that might be expected. In particular,
she harboiured the most perfect hatred for his coun-
trymen, in which disposition she resembled her
mother, who was an Englishwoman; and, by the
hints they dropped, I learned the grey mare was
the better horse; that she was a matron of a high
spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of
her dependants; that she loved diversions, and
looked upon Miss as her rival in all parties; which,
indeed, was the true cause of all her disappoint-
ments, for, had the mother been hearty in her inter-
est, the father would not have ventured to refuse
her demands.
Over and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon
made more discoveries. Mr. Lavement's significant
grins at his wife, while she looked another way, con-
vinced me that he was not at all content with his
lot; and his hehavioiu* in presence of the captain,
made me believe his chief torment was jealousy.
As for my own part, I was considered in no other
light than that of a menial servant, and had been
already six days in the house without being honoured
with one word from either mother or daughter, the
latter (as I imderstood from the maids) having, at
table, one day expressed some surprise that hec
[187]
RODERICK RANDOM
papa should entertain such an awkward mean-
looking joume)Tnan. I was nettled at this piece of
information, and next Sunday, (it being my turn to
take my diversion,) dressed myself in my new clothes,
to the greatest advantage, and, vanity apart, made
no contemptible figure. After having spent most
part of the day in company with Strap, and some of
his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and
was let in by Miss, who, not knowing me, dropped a
low curtsey as I advanced, which I returned with a
profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I
had turned about, she had perceived her mistake,
and changed colour, but did not withdraw. The
passage being narrow, I could not get away without
jostling her; so I was forced to remain where I was,
with my eyes fixed on the ground, and my face glow-
ing with blushes. At length her vanity coming to
her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could
hear her pronovmce the word "Creature" From
this day forward, she came into the shop fifty
times every day, upon various pretences, and put
in practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could
easily perceive her opinion of me was changed, and
that she did not think me altogether an unworthy
conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her
charms by pride and resentment, which were two
chief ingredients in my disposition, that I remained
insensible to all her arts; and, notwithstanding
(188]
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon
to yield her the least attention. This neglect soon
banished all the favourable impressions she felt for
me, and the rage of a slighted woman took place in
her heart; this she manifested not only in all the
suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice
with her father, but also in procuring for me such
servile employments as she hoped would sufficiently
humble my spirit. One day, in particular, she
ordered me to brush my master^s coat, but I refus-
ing, a smart dialogue ensued, which ended in her
bursting into tears of rage; when her mother inter-
posing, and examining into the merits of the cause,
determined it in my favour; and this good office I
owed not to any esteem or consideration she had for
me, but solely to the desire of mortifying her daugh-
ter, who on this occasion obseiwed, that let people be
never so much in the right, there were some folks
who would never do them justice; but, to be sure,
they had their reasons for it, which some people
were not ignorant of, although they despised their
little arts. This insinuation of some people and
some folkSi put me upon observing the behaviour of
my mistress more narrowly for the future; and it was
not long before I had reason to believe that she
looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affec-
tions of Captain O'Donnell, who lodged in the house.
In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained
(189J
RODERICK RANDOM
me the goodwill of my master, who would often say
in French, " Mardie ! dest un bon garfonJ" He had
a great deal of business; but as he was mostly em-
ployed among his fellow-refugees, his profits were
small.. However, his expense for medicines was not
great, for he was the most expert man at a succe-
daneum of any apothecary in London; so that I
have been sometimes amazed to see him, without the
least hesitation, make up a physician's prescription,
though he had not in his shop one medicine men-
tinned in it. Oyster-shells he could invent into
crab's eyes; common oil, into oil of sweet almonds;
syrup of sugar, into balsamic S3ump; Thames water,
into aqua cinnamoni; turpentine, into capivi; and a
hundred more costly preparations were produced in
an instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of
the materia medica: and when any common thing
was ordered for a patient, he always took care to
disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a
manner, as that it could not possibly be known, for
which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of
great service. Among many nostrums which he pos-
sessed, there was one for the venereal disease, that
brought him a good deal of money; and this he con-
cealed so artfully from me, that I could never leam
its composition. But diu-ing the eight months I
staid in his service, he was so unfortunate in the use
of it, that three parts in four of those who took it
[190]
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
were fain to confirtn the cure by a salivation under
the direction of another doctor. This bad success,
in all appearance, attached him the more to his
specific; and before I left him, I may venture to say,
he would have sooner renounced the Trinity, not-
withstanding his being a good Huguenot, than his
confidence in the never-failing power of this remedy.
Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once to
introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launch-
ing out into the praise of roots and greens, and
decrying the use of flesh, both as a physician and
philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make one
proselyte to his opinion; and even the wife of his
bosom declared against the proposal. Whether it
was owing to the little regard she paid to her
husband's admonition in this particular, or to the
natural warmth of her constitution, I know not; but
this lady's passions became every day more and more
violent, till at last she looked upon decency as an
unnecessary restraint; and one afternoon, when her
husband was abroad, and her daughter gone to visit,
ordered me to call a hackney coach, in which she and
the captain drove toward Covent Garden.
Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at
her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o'clock
my master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to
sleep; upon which I told him, my mistress went out
in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This
[191]
RODERICK RANDOM
was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecaiy,
who, starting back, cried, " Mort de ma vie ! vat you
tell a me ? My wife not at home!" At that in-
stant a patient^s servant arrived with a prescription
for a draught, which my master taking, went into
the shop to make it up with his own hand. While
he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he
inquired of me, whether or not his wife went out
alone; and no sooner heard that she was in com-
pany with the captain, than, with one blow, he split
the mortar into a thousand pieces, and, grinning like
the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, " Ah, traitresse!"
It would have been impossible for me to have pre-
served my gravity a minute longer, when I was
happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened,
and perceived my mistress coming out of the coach;
she flounced immediately into the shop, and ad-
dressed her husband thus: " I suppose you thought
I was lost, my dear — Captain O'Donnell has been
so good as to treat me with a play." "Play, play,"
replied he, " oho! yes, by gar, I believe ver prettie
play." " Bless me !" said she, " what's the mat-
ter?" "Vat de matter.?" cried he, forgetting all
his former complaisance, " by gar, you be one damn
dog's wife — ventre bleu! me vill show you vat it
is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu! le
Capitaine O'Donnell be one" — Here the captain,
who had been all the while at the door discharging
[192]
CAPTAIN O'DONNELL
the cosuih, entered, and said, with a terrible voice,
"D—mme! what am I?" Mr. Lavement, chang-
ing his tone, immediately saluted him with, " Oh
serviteury Monsieur le CajMainey vom ites un galant
homme—mafemmeestfortohligee.^ Then, turning
about towards me, pronounced with a low voice,
*^Et diablement obligeantCy sans doute.'" *'Harkee,
Mr. Lavement," said the captain, " I am a man of
honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentle-
man to be offended at the civility I show your wife."
This declaration had such an effect on the apothe-
cary, that he resumed all the politesse of a French-
man, and with the utmost prostration of compliment,
assured the captain that he was perfectly well satis-
fied with the honour he bad done his wife. Matters
being thus composed, everybody went to rest. Next
day, I perceived, through a glass door that opened
from the shop into the parlour, the captain talking
earnestly to Miss, who heard him with a look that
expressed anger mingled with scorn; which, however,
he at last found means to mollify, and sealed his
reconciliation with a kiss. This circumstance soon
convinced me of the occasion of the quarrel; but
notwithstanding all my vigilance, I could never dis-
cover any other commerce between them. In the
meanwhile, I had reason to believe I had inspired
one of the maids with tender sentiments for me; and
one night, when I thought every other person in the
TOl. 1. — 13 [ 193 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
house asleep, I took the opportunity of going to
reap the fruits of my conquest, her bedfellow having
the day before gone to Richmond to visit her par-
ents. Accordingly, I got up, and, naked as I was,
explored my way in the dark to the garret where she
lay. I was ravished to find the door open, and
moved softly to her bedside, transported with the
hope of completing my wishes. But what horrors
of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I
found her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man,
whom I easily guessed to be no other than the cap-
tain's servant! I was upon the point of doing some
rash thing, when the noise of a rat scratching behind
the wainscot put me to flight, and I was fain to get
back to my own bed in safety. Whether this alarm
had disordered my mind, or that I was led astray by
the power of destiny, I know not; but, instead of
turning to the left hand when I descended to the
second storey, I pursued the contrary course, and
mistook the young lady's bedchamber for my own.
I did not perceive my mistake before I had nm
against the bedposts, and then it was not in my
power to retreat undiscovered; for the nymph being
awake, felt my approach, and, with a soft voice, bade
me make less noise, lest the Scotch booby in the
next room should overhear us. This hint was sufE-
cient to inform me of the nature of the assignation;
and as my passions, at any time high, were then in
[194]
A NOCTURNAL MISTAKE
a state of exaltation, I resolved to profit by my good
fortune.
Without any more ceremony, therefore, I made
bold to slip into bed to this charmer, who gave me
as favourable a reception as I could desire. Our
conversation was very sparing on my part; but she
upbraided the person whom I represented with his
jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that
my resentment had well-nigh occasioned a discovery
more than once; but I was consoled for her hatred
of me by the revenge I enjoyed in understanding
from her own mouth that it was now high time to
salve her reputation by matrimony; for she had
reason to fear she could not much longer conceal the
effects of their mutual intercourse. While I was
meditating an answer to this proposal, I heard a
noise in my room, like something heavy falling
down upon the floor; upon which I started up, and,
creeping to the door of my chamber, observed by
moonlight the shadow of a man groping his way
out; so I retired to one side to let him pass, and
saw him go downstairs as expeditiously as he could.
It was an easy matter to divine that this was the
captain, who, having overslept himself, had got up
at last to keep his assignation; and finding my door
open, had entered my apartment instead of that of
his mistress, where I supplied his place; but finding
his mistake^ by falling over my chair, he was afraid
[195]
RODERICK RANDOM
the noise might alarm the family, and, for that
reason, made off, delaying the gratification of his
desires till another opportunity. By this time I
was satisfied ; and, instead of returning to the place
from whence I came, retreated to my own castle,
which I fortified by Ijolting the door, and, in the
congratulation of my own happiness, fell asleep.
But the truth of this adventure could not be long
concealed from my young mistress, who next day
came to an explanation with the captain, upon his
lamenting his last nighfs disappointment, and beg-
ging pardon for the noise he had made. Their
mutual chagrin, when they came to the knowledge
of what had happened, may be easily conjectured,
though each had a peculiar grief unfelt by the other;
for she was conscious of not only having betrayed
to me the secrets of her commerce with him, but
also of having incensed me by the freedoms she had
taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconcilia-
tion. On the other hand, his jealousy suggested
that her sorrow was all artifice, and that I had sup-
plied his place with her own privity and consent.
That such was the sitiia^n_of their thoughts, will
appear in the sequd; for that very day she came
into the shop where I was alone, and fixing her eyes,
swimming in tears, upon me, sighed most piteously.
But I was proof against her distress, by recollecting
the epithets with which she had honoured me the
[196]
A NOCTURNAL MISTAKE
night before; and believing that the good reception
I enjoyed was destined for another, therefore I took
no notice of her affliction; and she had the morti-
hcation to find her disdain returned fourfold. How-
ever, from thenceforward she thought proper to use
me with more complaisance than usual, knowing
that it was in my power at any time to publish her
shame. By these means my life became much more
agreeable, though I never could prevail upon myself
to repeat my nocturnal visit; and, as I every day
improved in my knowledge of the town, I shook off
my awkward air by degrees, and acquired the char-
acter of a polite journeyman apothecary.
[197]
CHAPTER TWENTY
i am assaulted and dangeeously wounded suspect
o'donnell, and am confirmed in my opinion
concert a scheme of revenge, and put it in
execution o'donnell robs his own servant,
and disappears 1 make my addresses to a
lady, and am miraculously deuvered from her
snare.
senseless on the gi'ound; and was left for dead, with
three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I
uttered, when 1 recovered the use of my reeison,
alarmed the people of a solitary alehouse that stood
near the spot where 1 lay, and they were humane
enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who
dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not
mortal. One of them penetrated through the skin
and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner,
that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me
through the entrails. The second slanted along one
NE night about twelve o'clock, as I
returned from visiting a patient at
Chelsea, I received a blow on my head
from an unseen hand, that stretched me
(198]
DANGEROUSLY WOUNDED
Df my ribs; and the last, which was intended for the
finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart,
the sword snapped upon my breastbone, and the point
remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected
upon this event, I could not persuade myself that I
had been assaulted by a common footpad; because it
is not usual for such people to murder those they rob,
especially when they meet with no resistance; and I
found my money, and everything else about me (but
my carcase) safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must
either have been mistaken for another, or obliged to
the private resentment of some secret enemy for what
had happened; and as I could remember nobody who
had the least cause of complaint against me, except
Captain O'Donnell and my masters daughter, my
suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to
conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirma-
tion.
With this view, I went home in a chair about ten
o'clock in the morning; and as the chairman supported
me into the house, met the captain in the passage,
who no sooner saw me, than he started back, and
gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would
have accounted for from the surprise occasioned by
seeing me in such a condition. My master having
heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sym-
pathy, and when he understood my wounds were not
dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to bed;
[199]
RODERICK RANDOM
though not without some opposition from his wife,
who was of opinion, it would be better for me to go
to an hospital, where I should be more carefully
attended. My meditation was employed in concert-
ing with myself some method of revenge against
Squire O'Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked
upon as the authors of my misfortune; when Miss
(who was not at home at my arrival) entered my
chamber, and, saying she was sorry for the accident
that had befallen me, asked if I suspected anybody to
be the assassin: upon which I fixed my eyes stead-
fastly upon her, and answered," Yes." She discovered
no symptom of confusion ; but replied hastily, " If
that be the case, why donH you take out a warrant to
have him apprehended ? It will cost but a trifle; if
you have no money, I '11 lend you." This frankness
not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to
her ; but even staggered my belief with regard to the
captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have further
proof before I should enterprise an3^thing in the way
of revenge.
I thanked her kindly for her generous offer; which,
however, I had no occasion to accept, being determined
to do nothing rashly: for though I could plainly per-
ceive the person who attacked me to be a soldier,
whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not
swear with a safe conscience to any particular man ;
and, granting I could, my prosecution of him would
[ 200 ]
A SCHEME OF REVENGE
not much avail. This uncertainty I pretended, lest
the captain, hearing from her that 1 knew the person
who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw
before I could be in a condition to requite him. In
two days I was up, and able to do a little business, so
that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on his prac-
tice without hiring another journeyman in my room.
The first thing I attempted towards a certain discov-
ery of my secret enemy, was to get into O'Donnell's
apartment while he was abroad in an undress, and
examine his sword, the point of which being broke off,
I applied the fragment that was found sticking in my
body, and found it answered the fractured part
exactly. There was no room left for doubt; and all
that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge,
which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during
the space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was
tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he
had practised upon me, and kill him outright. But
this assault my honour opposed as a piece of barbar-
ous cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated.
At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding
satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted
from this undertaking by considering the uncertainty
of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done
me, which did not entitle him to such easy terms. At
last I determined to pursue a middle course; and
actually put my design in execution after this manner.
[ 201 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his
acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we pro-
vided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the follow-
ing letter to be delivered to him by one of our
associates in livery one Sunday evening: —
"Sir,— If I may be allowed to judge from appear-
ance, it will not be disagreeable to you to hear that my
husband is gone to Bagshot to visit a patient, and will
not return till to-morrow night; so that if you have any-
thing to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occa-
sions has seemed to insinuate), you will do well to
embrace the present opportunity of seeing
Yours, etc."
This letter was signed with the name of an apothe-
cary's wife who lived in Chelsea, of whom I had heard
O'Donnell was an admirer. Everything succeeded to
our wish. The amorous hero hastened towards the
place of assignation; and was encoimtered by us in
the very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed
upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off
his clothes even to the skin, which we scourged with
nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, not>
withstanding all the eloquence of his tears and
supplications.
When I was satisfied with the stripes I had be*
stowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in a
hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to
find his way home in the best manner he could, while
[202]
AN ASSIGNATION
I took care to be there before him. I afterwards under-
stood, that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend
who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up
by the watch, who carried him to the Round House,
from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings; and
next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapped
up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was
so sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be
confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated
with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her
daughter, who vied with each other in their care and
attendance of him; but Lavement himself could not
forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins,
while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his
sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my gratifi-
cation when I had every day an opportunity of seeing
my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary
by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and
indeed I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having
flayed him alive, but another also which I had not
foreseen. The story of his being attacked and
stripped in such a place having been inserted in the
news, gave information to those who found his
clothes next day whither to bring them; and accord-
ingly he retrieved everything he had lost, except a
few letters, among which was that which I had writ
to him in the name of the apothecary's wife. This
and the others, which, it seems, were all on the sub*
[203 J
RODERICK RANDOM
ject of love (for this Hibernian hero was one of
those people who are called fortune-hunters), fell
into the hands of a certain female author, famous
for the scandal she has published, who, after having
embellished them with some ornaments of her own
invention, gave them to the town in print.
I was very much shocked on reflecting, that I might
possibly be the occasion of a whole family's unhappi-
ness, on account of the letter I had written; but was
eased of that apprehension, when I understood that
the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit
against the printer for defamation; and looked upon
the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the
author, who had disappeared. But whatever might be
his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to
entertain a diflerent idea of it: for, as soon as the
pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of
their patient considerably diminish, until at last it
ended in total neglect. It was impossible for him to
be ignorant of this change, any more than of the
occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of
having deserved, worse than contempt at their hands,
he was glad to come off so cheaply, and contented
himself with muttering curses and threats against the
apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an
inkling of the appointment with his wife, had taken
revenge of him in the manner described. By the time
he got a new scarf skin, his character was become so
[204]
STRAP TAKES HIS LEAVE
notorious, that he thought it high time for him to
decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night
without beat of drum, after having robbed his own
servant of everything that belonged to him, except
the clothes he had on his back. A few days after he
had disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security,
took into custody a large old trunk which he had
left; and, as it was very heavy, made no question
that the contents were sufficient to idemnify him for
what O'Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being
elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adven-
turer, and my master being impatient to know what
the trunk contained, he ordered me to break it open
in his presence, which task I performed with the
pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his
inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap
of stones.
About this time my friend Strap informed me of
an offer he heid to go abroad with a gentleman, in
quality of valet-de-chambre, and at the same time
assured me, that whatever advantage he might pro-
pose to himself from this prospect, he could not
bear the thoughts of parting from me; so much was
he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obli-
gations I owed to this poor honest fellow, ingratitude
is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be
tired of his acquaintance; and now that I had con-
tracted other friendships which appeared more credit-
[206 3
RODERICK RANDOM
able, was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber
inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion.
I therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, in-
sisted upon his suicepting the proposal, which he at
last determined to embrace with great reluctance;
and in a few days took his leave of me, shedding a
flood of tears, which I could not behold without
emotion. I now began to look upon myself as a
gentleman in reality — learned to dance of a French-
man whom I had cured of a fashionable distemper —
frequented plays during the holidays — became the
oracle of an alehouse, where every dispute was
referred to my decision — and at length contracted
an acquaintance with a yoimg lady, who found means
to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I
prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to
give me a promise of marriage. As this beautiftd
creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good
fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all
my wishes by matrimony; when one morning I went
to her lodgings, and her maid being abroad, took the
privilege of a bridegroom to enter her chamber,
where, to my utter confusion, I found her in bed with
a man. Heaven gave me patience and presence of
mind enough to withdraw immediately; and I
thanked my stars a thousand times for the happy
disoovery, by which I resolved to profit so much as to
abandon all thoughts of marriage for the future.
[206]
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
8quike gawky comes to lodge with my master — is
involved in a troublesome affair, out of which
he is extricated by me he marries my mas-
ter's daughter they conspire against me
i am found guilty of theft — discharged
deserted by my friends 1 hire a room in st.
Giles's — where, by accident, i find the lady to
whom i made my addresses in a miserable condi-
tion 1 eelieate her.
WHILE I enjoyed myself at large in this
temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let
his first floor to my countryman and
acquaintance. Squire Gawky, who, by
this time, had got a lieutenancy in the army, and
such a martial ferocity in his appearance, that I was
afraid he would remember what had happened be-
tween us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of
appointment then, by his punctuality now; but,
whether he had actually forgot me, or was willing to
make me believe so, he betrayed not the least symp-
torn of recognition at sight of me, and I remained
quite cured of my apprehension; though I had occa-
rion, not long aftm*, to be convinced that, howsoever
[207]
RODERICK RANDOM
his externals might be altered, he was at bottom the
same individual Gawky whom I have already de-
scribed. For, coming home late one night from the
house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and,
as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody
of three watchmen.
The prisoners, who were miserably disfigured with
dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats
and wigs; and one of them, whom, by his tongue, I
knew to be a Scotchman, lamented most piteously,
offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman
refused, alleging that one of his companions was
wounded grievously, and that he must stand to the
consequence. My prejudice in favour of my country
was so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody
belonging to it in distress, and therefore, with one
blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the
watchman who had hold of the person for whom I
was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner disengaged,
than he betook himself to his heels, and left me to
maintain the dispute as I should think proper; and,
indeed, I came off but scurvily; for, before I could
avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the
eye from one of the other two, that had well-n'gh
deprived me of the use of that organ. However,
I made shift to get home, where I was informed of
Captain Gawky's being robbed and abused by a
company of footpads, and was ordered by my master
[208]
GAWKY AND THE WATCHMEN
to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric draught,
in order to allay and compose the ferment of his
spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment he
had imdergone, while he took twelve ounces of
blood from him immediately. When I inquired into
the particulars of this adventure, and understood, by
the servant, that he came in just before me, without
hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing him to
be the person I had released, and was confirmed in
my belief upon hearing his voice, to which, before
that event, I had been so long a stranger. My eye
being considerably swelled and inflamed, 1 could not
reflect upon my enterprise without cursing my own
folly, and even resolving to declare the truth of the
whole story, in order to be revenged on the cowardly
wretch, for whom I heid suffered. Accordingly,
next day, after he had told, in the presence of my
master, his wife, and daughter, who came to visit
him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess he had
shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain
the mystery, and, calling in the evidence of my
contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and
ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this dis-
J course, that he could not answer one word; and the
rest of the company stared at one another; till, at
length, my mistress reprimanded me for my insolent
behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my
presumption.
TOL.I.-U [209]
RODERICK RANDOM
Upon which Gawky, having recollected himself,
ol^rved, as the young man might have mistaken
another person for him, he could forgive his insinua-
tions, more especially as he seemed to have suffered
for his civility; but advised me to be more certain in
my conjectures for the future, before I ventured to
publish them to the prejudice of any man. Miss
applauded the captain's generosity in pardoning one
who had so villanously aspersed him, and I began
to imagine her praise was not at all disinterested.
But the apothecary, who, perhaps, had more penetra-
tion, or less partiality, than his wife and daughter,
differed from them in his sentiments of the matter,
and expressed himself to me in the shop in this
* manner: *'Ah! mon pauvre Roderique! you ave
more of de veracity dan of de prudence — hot mine
vife and dater be diablement sage, and Mons. le
Capitaine un fanfaron, pardieu!" This eulogimn on
his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by
him, was, nevertheless, literally just; by espousing
the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a valuable
lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juiic-
ture when one was absolutely necessary; for the
young lady, finding the effects of her correspondence
with O'Donnell becoming plainer and plainer every
day, insinuated herself so artfully into the affection
of this new lodger, that in less than a fortnight,
on pretence of going to a play, they drove away toi
[MO]
GAWKVS MARRIAGE
gether to the Fleet, where they were coupled; from
thence removed to a bagnio, where the marriage was
consummated; and in the morning came home, where
they asked her father's and mother's blessing. The
prudent parents, notwithstanding the precipitation
with which the match was carried on, did not think
fit to refuse their approbationfor the apothecary
was not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a
young man of a good prospect, who had not men-
tinned to him one syllable on the article of her
dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid
of a rival in her gallants, and a spy upon her
pleasiues. Nor was I without self-enjoyment at this
event, when I reflected upon the revenge I had un-
wittingly taken upon my enemy, in making him a
cuckold by anticipation. But I little dreamed what
a storm of mischief was brewing against me, whilst
I thus indulged myself. Whatever face Gawky put
on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before
related, and the reproaches I vented against him,
had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds
of enmity so strongly in his breast, that he, it
seems, imparted his indignation to his wife, who,
being as desirous as himself to compass the ruin of
one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able
on any occasion to discover particulars not at all
advantageous to her character, readily joined in a
conspirai^ against me, which, had it taken effect as
[Ml]
RODERICK RANDOM
they expected, would infallibly have brought me to
an ignominious death.
My master having several times missed large quan-
titles of medicines, of which I could give no account,
at last lost all patience, and, in plain terms, taxed
me with having embezzled them for my own use.
As I could only oppose my single asseveration to his
suspicion, he told me one day, " By gar, yoiur vord
not be give me de satisfaction — me find necessaire
to chercher for my medicine, pardonnez-moi — il faut
chercher — me demand le clef of your coffre a cette
heure." Then raising his voice to conceal the fright
he was in, lest I should make any opposition, he went
on, " Oui, foutre, I charge you rendez le clef of your
coffre — moi — si, moi qui vous parle." I was fired
with so much resentment and disdain at this accusa-
tion, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign
of my guilt; and, pulling out my key, told him he
might satisfy himself immediately, though he would
not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my
reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion.
He took the key, and mounted up to my chamber,
attended by the whole family; saying, " He bien, nous
verrons — nous verrons," But what was my horror
and amazement, when, on opening my chest, he pulled
out a handful of the very things that were missing,
and pronounced, " Ah ha! vous etes bien venus —
mardie, Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent."
[212]
ACCUSATION OF THEFT
I had not power to utter one word in my own
vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while
everybody present made their respective remarks on
what appeared against me. The servants said they
were sorry for my misfortune, and went away repeat-
ing, " Who would have thought it ? " My mistress
took occasion, from this detection, to rail against the
practice of employing strangers in general; and Mrs.
Gawky, after having observed that she never had a
good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me
carried before a justice, and committed to Newgate
immediately. Her husband was actually upon the
stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr. Lave-
ment, knowing the cost and trouble of a prosecution
to which he must bind himself, and at the same
time dreading lest some particulars of my confes-
sion might affect his practice, called out, " Restez,
mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand
crime which dis pauvre diable have committed —
bot peutetre de good God give him de penitence,
and me viU not have upon mine head de blood of
one sinner." The captain and his lady used all the
Christian arguments their- zeal could suggest, to
prevail on the apothecary to pursue me to destruc-
tion, and represented the injustice he did to the
community of which he was a member, in letting
a villain escape, who would not fail of doing more
mischief in the world, when he should reflect on
[213]
RODERICK RANDOM
his coming oflF so easily now. But their eloquence made
no impression on my master, who, turning to me, said,
" Gro, miserable, go from mine house, quick, quick —
and make reparation for your mauvaise actions."
By this time my indignation had roused me from
the stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained,
and I began in this manner: ** Sir, appearances, I
own, condemn me; but you are imposed upon as
much as I am abused. I have fallen a sacrifice to
the rancour of that scoundrel," pointing to Gawky,
" who has found means to convey your goods hither,
that the detection of them might blast my reputa-
tion, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred of
me is owing to a consciousness of his having wronged
me in my own country; for which injury he, in a
cowardly manner, refused me the satisfaction of a
gentleman. He knows, moreover, that I am no
stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town,
which I have recounted before; and he is unwilling
that such a testimony of his ingratitude and pusil-
lanimity should live upon the earth. For this rea-
son he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring
about my ruin. And I am afraid, madam," turning
to Mrs. Gawky, " you have too easily entered into
the sentiments of your husband. X have often found
you my enemy, and am well acquainted with the
occasion of your being so, which I don't at present
think proper to declare; but I would not advise you,
[2U]
ACCUSATION OF THEFT
for your own sake, to drive me to extremity." This
address enraged her so much, that, with a face as red
as scarlet, and the eyes of a iury, she strutted up to
me, and, putting her hands on her sides, spit in my
face, saying I was a scandalous villain, but she defied
my malice; and that, unless her papa would prose-
cute me like a thief as I was, she would not stay
another night tmder his roof. At the same time
Grawky, assuming a big look, told me he scorned
what lies I could invent against him; but that, if I
pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to
death, by G—d. To this threat I answered, "I
wish to God I could meet with thee in a desert, that
I might have an opportunity of punishing thee for
thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a
rascal. What hinders me this moment," said I,
seizing an old bottle that stood by, "from doing
myself that justice ? " I had no sooner armed myself
in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law
retired in such a hurry, that the one overturned the
other, and they rolled together downstairs; while
my mistress swooned away with fear; and her daugh-
ter asked if I intended to murder her? I gave her
to understand, that nothing was fiu-ther from my
intention; that I would leave her to the stings of
her own conscience, but was firmly resolved to slit
her husband^s nose, whenever fortune should offer a
convenient opportunity.
[MS]
RODERICK RANDOM
Then going downstairs, I met Lavement coming
up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky
behind, armed with his sword, pushing him forward,
I demanded a parley, and having assured them of my
pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, " Ah! villain !
you have killed my dear wife." And the apothecary
cried, Ah! coquin ! vere is my shild ?" " The
lady," said I," is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will
a few months hence, I believe, reward your concern."
Here she called to them, and desired they would let
the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further
about him. To which request her father consented,
observing, nevertheless, that my conversation was
fort myst^rieuse. Finding it impossible to vindicate
my innocence, I left the house immediately, and
went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of clear-
ing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard
to my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible vex-
ation, was told he was gone to the country, where he
would stay two or three days. I returned with a
design of consulting some acquaintances I had
acquired in my master''s neighbourhood; but my
story had taken air, through the officiousness of the
servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe
me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity
of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition
than ever: for though I had been formerly as poor,
my reputation was without blemish, and my health
[siej
DESERTED BY FRIENDS
unimpaired till now; but at present my good name
was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated,
my body was infected by a distemper contracted in
the course of an amour, and my faithful Strap, who
alone could yield me pity and assistance, absent I
knew not where.
The first resolution I could take in this melan-
choly conjuncture, was to remove my clothes to the
house of the person with whom I had formerly
lodged, where I remained two days, in hopes of
getting another place, by the interest of Mr. Con-
cordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able
to vindicate my character; but in this supposition I
reckoned without my host, for Lavement took care
to he beforehand with me, and when I attempted to
explain the whole affair to the schoolmaster, I found
him so prepossessed against me, that he would scarce
hear me to an end; but when I had finished my
justification, shook his head, and beginning with his
usual exclamation, " O Ch—st!" said, " That won't
go down with me. I am very sorry I should have
the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but,
however, shall be more cautious for the futture. I
will trust no man from henceforward—no, not my
father who begat me — nor the brother who lay with
me in my mother's womb. Should Daniel rise from
the dead, I would think him an impostor, and were
the genius of Truth to appear, would question its
[ 217 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
veracity." I told him, that one day it was possible
he might be convinced of the injury I had suffered,
and repent of his premature determination. To
which remark he answered, the proof of my inno-
cence would make his bowels to vibrate with joy;
" but till that shall happen," continued he, " I must
beg to have no manner of connexion with you —
my reputation is at stake — O my good God! I shall
be looked upon as your accomplice and abettor —
•people will say Jonathan Wild was but 'a type of
me — boys will hoot at me as I pass cilong, and the
cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale
impregnated with gin — I shall be notorious — the
very butt of slander and cloak of infamy." I was not
in a humour to relish the climax of expressions upon
which this gentleman valued himself in all his dis-
courses; but, without, any ceremony, took my leave,
f cursed with every sentiment of horror which my
situation could suggest. I considered, however,
in the intervals of my despondence, that I must
in some shape suit my expense to my calamitous
circumstances; and with that view hired an apart-
ment in a garret near St. Gileses, at the rate of
ninepence per week. In this place I resolved to
perform my own cure, having first pawned three
shirts to purchase medicines and support for the
occasion.
One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing
[218]
AN UNFORESEEN MEETING
upon the unhappiness of my fate, I was alarmed by a
groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to
mine, into which I immediately ran, and foimd a
woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without
any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling
bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her
cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good heavens!
what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered
her to be the same individual lady who had triumphed
over my heart, and to whose fate I had almost been in-
separably joined! Her deplorable situation filled my
breast with compassion, and every tender idea reviv-
ing in my imagination, I flew into her embrace. She
knew me immediately; and, straining me gently in
her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not
help increasing. At length, casting a languishing
look at me, she pronounced, with a feeble voice,
" Dear Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern
at your hands. I am a vile creature who had a base
design upon your person; suffer me to expiate that
and all my other crimes by a miserable death, which
will not fail to overtake me in a few hours." I en-
couraged her as much as I could ; told her I forgave
all her intentions with regard to me; and that, al-
though my circumstances were extremely low, I would
share my last farthing with her. In the meantime,
begged to know the immediate cause of that fit from
which she had just recovered, and said, I would en-
[219]
RODERICK RANDOM
deavour by my skill to prevent any more such attacks.
She seemed very much affected with this expression,
took my hand and pressed it to her lips, saying,
"You are too generous! — I wish I could live to
express my gratitude; but alas! I perish for want."
Then, shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another
swoon. Such extremity of distress must have awaked
the most obdurate heart to sympathy and compassion.
What effect, then, must it have had on mine, that
was naturally prone to every tender passion ? I ran
downstairs, and sent my landlady to a chemisCs shop
for some cinnamon water; while I, returning to this
unfortunate creature^s chamber, used all the means in
my power to bring her to herself. This aim, with
much difficulty, I accomplished, and made her drink
a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits; then I
prepared a little mulled red wine and a toast, which
having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived,
and informed me, that she had not tasted food for
eight-and-forty hours before. As I was impatient to
know the occasion and natiue of her calamity, she
gave me to understand, that she was a woman of the
town by profession: that, in the course of her adven-
tures, she found herself dangerously infected with a
distemper to which all her class are particularly sub-
ject; that her malady gaining ground every day, she
became loathsome to herself and offensive to others;
when she resolved to retire to some obscure comer,
[ 220]
AN AGREEABLE COMPANION
where she might be cured with as little noise and
expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen
this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands
of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced her of
all the money she had, or could procure, left her
three days ago in a worse condition than that in
which he found her; that, except the clothes on
her back, she had pawned or sold everything that
belonged to her, to satisfy that rapacious quack,
and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still
persisted in her threats to turn her out into the
street.
After having moralised upon these particulars, I
proposed that she should lodge in the same room
with me, an expedient that would save some money;
and assured her I would undertake her cure as well
as my own, during which she should partake of all
the conveniences that I could afford to myself. She
embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment;
and I began to put it in practice immediately. I
found in her not only an agreeable companion, whose
conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also
a careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidel-
ity and affection. One day, while I testified my sur-
prise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and
education (for she had a large portion of each), could
be reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of
life as that of a prostitute, — she answered, with a
[S21 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
sigh, " These veiy advantages were the cause of my
undoing." This remarkable reply inflamed my curi*
osity to such a degree, that I begged she would
favom- me with the particulars of her story, and she
complied in these words: —
END OF VOL. I.
[ m J
VOL. n
CONTENTS
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The histoiy of Miss Williams
» CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
She is interrupted by a bailiff, who arrests and car-
ries her to the Marshalsea — I accompany her
— Bring witnesses to prove she is not the person
named in the writ — The bailiff is fain to give
her a present and discharge her—We shift our
lodging — She resumes her story, and ends it
— My reflections thereupon — She makes me
acquainted with the progress of a common
woman of the town— Resolves to quit that way
of life
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I am reduced to great misery — Assaulted on
Tower Hill by a press-gang, who put me on
board a tender — My usage there — My arrival
on board of the Thunder man-of-wM, where I
CONTENTS
am put in irons, and afterwards released by the
good offices of Mr. Thomson, who recommends
me as assistant to the surgeon — He relates his
own stpiy, and makes me acquainted with the
characters of the captain, surgeon, and first
mate
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
The behaviour of Mr. Morgan — His pride, dis-
pleasure, and generosity — The economy of our
mess described — Thomson's further fnend-
ship — The nature of my duty explained — The
situation of the sick
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
A disagreeable accident happens to me in the dis-
charge of my office — Morgan's nose is offended
— A dialogue between him and the ship's stew-
ard — Upon examination, I find more causes
of complaint than one — My hair is cut off—
Morgan's cookery:— The manner of sleeping on
board — I am waked in the night by a dreadful
noise
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
I acquire the friendship of the surgeon, who pro-
cures a warrant for me, and makes me a present
of clothes — A battle between a midshipman
and me — The surgeon leaves the ship — The
captain comes on board with another surgeon
[vi]
CONTENTS
PAOB
— A dialogue between the captain and Morgan
— The sick are ordered to be brought upon the
quarter-deck and examined — The consequences
of that order — A madman accuses Morgan, and
is set at liberty by command of the captain,
whom he instantly attacks and pommels with-
out mercy 6l
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
The captain, enraged, threatens to put the mad-
man to death with his own hand — Is diverted
from that resolution by the arguments and per-
suasions of the first lieutenant and surgeon —
We set sail for St. Helen's, join the fleet under
the command of Sir C n r O ^le, and
proceed for the West Indies —Are overtaken by
a terrible tempest — My fnend. Jack RattUn,
has his leg broke by a fall from the mainyard
— The behaviour of Dr. Mackshane — Jack op-
poses the amputation of his limb, in which he
is seconded by Morgan and nie, who undertake
the cure, and perform it successfully . . . . 72
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Mackshane's malice — I am taken up and impris-
oned for a spy — Morgan meets with the same
fate — Thomson is tampered with to turn evl-
dence against us — Disdains the proposal, and
is maltreated for his integrity — Morgan is
released to assist the surgeon during an en-
[vii]
CONTENTS
PAOB
gagement with some French ships of war — I
remain fettered on the poop, exposed to the
enemy's shot, and grow delirious with fear —
Am comforted after the battle by Morgan, who
speaks freely of the captain; is overheard by
the sentinel, who informs against him, and
again imprisoned — Thomson grows desperate,
and, notwithstanding the remonstrances of
Morgan and me, goes overboard in the night 80 '
CHAPTER THIRTY
We lament the fate of our companion — The cap-
tain oflFers Morgan his liberty, which he refuses
to accept — We are brought before him, and
examined — Morgan is sent back into custody,
whither also I am remanded, after a curious
tnftl o»««aa«a*a«a»*» SS
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
I discover a subornation against me, by means of a
quarrel between two of the evidences; in con-
sequence of which I am set at liberty, and pre-
vail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on
the same terms — Mackshane's malice — We
arrive at Jamaica, from whence, in a short time,
we beat up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with
the West India squadron — We take in water,
sail again, and arrive at Carthagena —"Reflec-
ticks'on our conduct there 99
[viii]
CONTENTS
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
rAOB
Our land forces being disembarked, erect a fascine
battery — Our ship is ordered, with four more,
to batter the fort of Boca Chica — Mackshane's
cowardice — The chaplain's frenzy — Honest
Rattlin loses one hand — His heroism, and re-
flections on the battle — Crampley's behaviour
to me during the heat of the fight .... 105
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give
the assault, and take the place without opposi-
tion — Our sailors at the same time become
masters of all the other strengths near Boca
Chica, and take possession of the harbour —
The good consequence of the success — We
move nearer the town — Find two forts de-
serted, and the channel blocked up with sunk
vessels; which, however, we find means to clear
— Land our soldiers at La Quinta — Repulse a
body of militia—Attack the castle of St. Lazar,
and are forced to retreat with great loss — The
remains of our army are re-embarked — An
effort of the admiral to take the town — The
economy of our expedition described . . . 112
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
An epidemic fever rages among us— We abandon
our conquests — I am seized with the distem-
per—Write a petition to the captain, which
[U]
CONTENTS
is rejected — I am in danger of sufTocation
through the malice of Crampley, and relieved
by a seijeant — My fever increases — The
chaplain wants to confess me — I obtain a
favourable crisis — Morgan's affection for me
proved — The behaviour of Mackshane and
Crampley towards me — Captain Oakum is
removed into another ship, with his beloved
doctor — Our new captain described — An
adventure of Morgan 121
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Captain Whiffle sends for me — His situation de-
scribed — His surgeon arrives, prescribes for
him, and puts him to bed — A bed is put up for
Mr. Simper contiguous to the state-room, which,
with other parts of the captain's behaviour,
gives the ship's company a very unfavourable
idea of their commander — I am detained in
the West Indies by the admiral, and^ go on
board oi the Uzard sloop of waf ln quality of
surgeon's mate, where I make myself known
to the surgeon, who treats me very kindly —
I go on shore, seU my ticket, purchase neces-
saries, and, at my return on board, am surprised
at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed
lieutenant of the sloop — We sail on a cruise
— Take a prize, in which I arrive at Port
Morant, under the command of my messmate,
with whom I live in great harmony .... 134
[^]
CONTENTS
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
PAOB
A strange adventure — In consequence of which
I am extremely happy — Crampley does me ill
offices with the captain, but his malice is de-
feated by the good-nature and fnendship of
the surgeon — We return to Port Royal — Our
captain gets the command'ofirlarger*ship, and
is succeeded by an old man — Brayl is provided
for — We receive orders to sail for England . 142
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
We depart for Europe — A misunderstanding
arises between 9ie captain and surgeon
through the scandalous aspersions of Cramp-
ley — The captain dies — Crampley tyrannises
over the surgeon, who falls a victim to his
cruelty — I am also ill-used — The ship strikes
— The behaviour of Crampley and the seamen
on that occasion — I get on shore — Challenge
the captain to single combat — Am treacher-
ously knocked down, wounded, and robbed . 151
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
I get up, and crawl into a barn, where I am in
danger of perishing through the fear of the
country people — Their inhumanity — I am
succoured by a reputed witch — Her story —
Her advice — She recommends me as a valet
to a single lady, whose character she explains 158
[»J
CONTENTS
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
PAOB
My reception by that lady — I become enamoured
of Narcissa—Recount the particulars of my
last misfortune — Acquire the good opinion of
my mistress — An account of the young squire
— I am made acquainted with more particu-
lars of Narcissa's situation — Conceive a mortal
hatred against Sir Timothy — Examine my
lady's library and performances — Her ex-
travagant behaviour 169
CHAPTER FORTY
My mistress is surprised at my learning — Com-
municates her performances to me — I impart
some of mine to her — Am mortified at her
faint praise — Narcissa approves of my conduct
— I gain an involuntary conquest over the
cook-maid and dairy-maid — Their mutual re-
sentment and insinuations — The jealousy of
their lovers 178
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Narcissa, being in danger from the brutality of
Sir Timothy, is rescued by me, who revenge
myself on my rival — I declare my passion,
and retreat to the sea-side — Am surrounded
by smugglers, and carried to Boulogne.— Find
my uncle. Lieutenant Bowling, in great dis-
tress, and relieve him — Our conversation . 186
[xii]
CONTENTS
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
He takes his ^ssage in a cutter for Deal — We
are accosted by a priest, who proves to be a
Scotchman — His profession of friendship —
He is affronted by the lieutenant, who after-
wards appeases him by submission — My uncle
embarks — I am introduced by the priest to a
Capuchin, in whose company I set out for Paris
— The character of my fellow-traveller — An
adventure on the road — I am shocked at his
behaviour
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
We lodge at a house near Amiens, where I am
robbed by the Capuchin, who escapes while I
am asleep.— I go to Noyons in search of him,
but without success — Make my condition
known to several people, but find no relief—
Grow desperate — Join a company of soldiers
— Enlist in the regiment of Picardy — We are
ordered into Germany — I find the fatigues of
the march almost intolerable — Quarrel with
my comrade in a dispute about politics — He
challenges me to the field, wounds, and dis-
arms me
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
In order to be revenged, I learn the science of
defence — We join the Mareschal Due de
Noailles — Are engaged with the allies at
[xiii]
CONTENTS
PAOB
Dettingen^ and put to flight — The behaviour
of the French soldiers on that occasion — I
industriously seek another combat with the
old Gascon^ and vanquish him in my turn —
Our regiment is put into winter quarters at
Rheims, where I find my friend Strap — Our
recognition — He supplies me with money,
and procures my discharge — We take a trip
to Paris; from whence, by the way of Flan-
ders, we set out for London, where we safely
arrive 218
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
I inquire for my uncle, and understand he is gone
to sea — Take lodgings at Charing Cross — Go
to the play, where I meet with an adventure
— Dine at an ordinaiy; the guests described
— Become acquainted with Medlar and .
Doctor Wagtail 234
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine gentlemen,
with whom I spend the evening at a tavern —
Our conversation — The characters of my new
companions — The doctor is roasted — The
issue of our debauch 254
[jdv]
THE ADVENTURES of
RODERICK RANDOM
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
THE HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
My father was an eminent merchant in
the city, who, having in the coiirse
of trade suffered very considerable
losses, retired in his old age, with his
wife, to a small estate in the country, which he had
purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that
time I, being but eight years of age, was left in town
for the convenience of education, boarded with an
aunt, who was a rigid Presbyterian, and who con-
fined me so closely to what she called the duties of
religion, that, in time, I grew weary of her doc-
trines, and by degrees conceived an aversion for the
good books she daily recommended to my perusal.
As I increased in age, and appeared with a person
not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal of acquaint-
ance among my own sex, one of whom, after having
lamented the restraint I was under from the narrow-
ness of my aunt's sentiments, told me, I must now
throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her
influence and example, and leam to think for my-
VOL. II. — 1 [ ^ ]
RODERICK RANDOM
self; for which purpose she advised me to read
Shaftesbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the books that
are remarkable for their deviation from the old way
of thinking, and, by comparing one with another, I
should soon be able to form a system of my own. I
followed her advice; and, whether it was owing to
my prepossession against what I had formerly read,
or the clearness of argument in these my new in-
structors, I know not, but I studied them with
pleasure, and in a short time became a professed
Freethinker. Proud of my new improvement, I
argued in all companies, and that with such success,
that I soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher,
and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. I
grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length
pretended to make my aunt a proselyte to my
opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift, than,
taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account
of my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the
good of my soul, to remove me immediately from
the dangerous place where I had contracted such sin-
ful principles. Accordingly my father ordered me
into the country, where I arrived in the fifteenth
year of my age; and, by his command, gave him
a detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did
not find so unreasonable as they had been repre-
sented. Finding myself suddenly deprived of the
company and pleasures of the town, I grew melan-
choly, and it was some time before I could relish my
situation. But solitude became every day more and
more familiar to me; and I consoled myself in my
retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at
[2]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
such times as I was not employed in the manage-
ment of the family (for my mother had been dead
three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural
diversion. Having more imagination than judg-
ment, I addicted myself too much to poetry and
romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very
extraordinary person hy everybody in the country
where I resided.
I had one evening strayed, with a hook in my
hand, into a wood that bordered on the high road,
at a little distance from my father's house, when a
certain drunken squire riding hy perceived me, and
crying, " Zounds! there's a charming creature !"
alighted in a moment, caught me in his arms, and
treated me so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I
could; and, in the meantime, opposed his violence
with all the strength that rage and resentment could
inspire. During this struggle, another horseman came
up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted,
and flew to my assistance. My ravisher, mad with
disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of
the other gentleman, quitted me, and, running to his
horse, drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired at my
protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up,
and, with the hutt-end of his whip, laid him prostrate
on the ground, before he could use the other, which
his antagonist immediately seized, and clapping to
the squire's breast, threatened to put him to death
for his cowardice and treachery. In this dilemma I
interposed and begged his life, which was granted to
my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his
intention was only to obtain a kiss. However, my
[8]
RODERICK RANDOM
defender thought proper to unload the other pistol,
and throw away the flints, before he gave him his
liberty. This courteous stranger conducted me home,
where my father, having learned the signal service he
had done me, loaded him with caresses, and insisted
on his lodging that night at our house. If the obli-
gation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me
with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and con-
versation seemed to entitle him to somewhat more.
He was about the age of two-and-twenty, among the
tallest of the middle size; had chestnut-coloured hair,
which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high polished
forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline, lively blue
eyes, "red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a
certain openness of countenance — but what need L
describe any more particulars of his person ? I hope
you will do me the justice to believe I do not flatter,
when I say he was the exact resemblance of you;
and, if I had not been well acquainted with his family
and pedigree, I should have made no scruple of con-
eluding that you was his brother. He spoke little,
and seemed to have no reserve; for what he said was
ingenuous, sensible, and uncommon. In short (said
she, bursting into tears), he was formed for the ruin of
our sex. His behaviour was modest and respectable;
but his looks were so significant, that I could easily
observe he secretly blessed the occasion that intro-
duced him to my acquaintance. We learned from
his discourse that he was the eldest son of a wealthy
gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we
were no strangers; that he had been to visit an
acquaintance in the country, from whose house he
[4]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
•vas returning home when my shrieks brought him to
my rescue. All night long my imagination formed
a thousand ridiculous expectations. There was so
much of knight-errantiy in this gentleman's coming
to the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he
immediately became enamoured, that all I had read
of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy, and I
looked upon myself as a princess in some region
of romance, who, being delivered from the power
of a brutal giant or satyr by a generous Oroon-
dates, w£is bound in gratitude, as well as led by
inclination, to yield my affections to him without
reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these
foolish conceits, by reflections more reasonable and
severe. The amusing images took full possession
of my mind, and my dreams represented my hero
sighing at my feet in the language of a despairing
lover.
Next morning after breakfast he took his leave,
when my father begged the favour of further ac-
quaintance with him; to which request he replied
by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of
eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soul received
the soft impression. In a short time he repeated his
visit; and, as a recital of the particular steps he pur-
sued to ruin me would be too tedious and imperti-
nent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business to
insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me
of his own good sense, and at the same time flatter-
ing my understanding. This task he performed in
the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me
often through misapprehension, that I might have
[5]
RODERICK RANDOM
an opportunity of clearing myself the more to my
own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion,
he began to give me some tokens of a particular
passion, founded on a veneration for the qualities
of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament, ad-
mired the beauties of my person; till at length,
being fully persuaded of his conquest, he chose a
proper season for the theme, and disclosed his love
in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was impossible
for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he
received my approbation with the most lively trans-
port. After this mutual declaration we contrived to
meet more frequently, in private interviews, where
we enjoyed the conversation of one another, in all
the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope, that
reciprocal adoration can inspii-e. He professed his
honourable intentions, of which I made no question,
lamented the avaricious disposition of his father, who
had destined him for the arms of another, and vowed
eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour
and devotion, that I became a dupe to his deceit, and,
in an evil hour, crowned his eager desire with full
possession. — Cursed be the day on which I gave
away my innocence and peace for a momentary
gratification, which has entailed upon me such misery
and horror! cursed be my beauty, that first attracted
the attention of my seducer! cursed be my education,
that, by refining my sentiments, made my heart the
more susceptible! cursed be my good sense, that fixed
me to one object, and taught me the preference I
enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, nobody
would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the
[6]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
charms of my person would not have atoned for the
coarseness of my conversation; had I been giddy, my
vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my
ideas would have been so diffused, that I should
never have listened to the enchantments of one
alone.
But, to return to my unfortunate story; we gave
a loose to guilty pleasure, which, for some months,
banished every other concern. At last, by degrees,
his visits became less frequent, and his behaviour less
warm. I perceived his coldness — my heart took the
alarm — my tears reproached him — and I insisted
upon the performance of his promise to espouse me,
that, whatever should happen, my reputation might
be safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and
left me on pretence of finding a proper clergyman to
unite us in the bands of wedlock. But, alas! the
inconstant had no intention to return. I waited a
whole week with the utmost impatience; sometimes
doubting his honour, at other times inventing excuses
for him, and condemning myself for harboiuing the
least suspicion of his faith. At length I under-
stood from a gentleman who dined at our house that
this perfidious wretch was on the point of setting
out for London with his bride, to buy clothes for
their approaching nuptials. This information dis-
tracted me! the more so, as I found myself some
months gone with child, and reflected that it would
he impossible to conceal my disgrace, which would
not only ruin the character I had acquired in the
country, but also bring the grey hairs of an indul-
gent parent with sorrow to the grave. Rage took
[7]
RODERICK RANDOM
possession of my soul; I denounced a thousand im-
precations, and formed as many schemes of revenge
against the traitor who had undone me! Then my
resentment would subside into silent sorrow. I
recalled the tranquillity I had lost, I wept over my
infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would
intervene, and for a moment cheer my drooping
heart; I would revolve all the favourable circum-
stances of his character, repeat the vows he made,
ascribe his absence to the vigilance of a suspicious
father, who compelled him to a match his soul
abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation
of seeing him before the ^ing should be brought to
any terms of agreement. But how vain was my
imagination! The villain left me without remorse;
and in a few days the news of his marriage was
spread all over the country. My horror was then
inconceivable; and had not the desire of revenge
diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put
an end to my miserable life. My father observed the
sjnnptoms of my despair; and, though I have good
reason to believe he guessed the cause, was at a great
deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while
he endeavoured, with paternal fondness, to alleviate
my distress. I saw his concern, which increased my
anguish, and raised my fury against the author of
my calamity to an implacable degree. Having fiir-
nished myself with a little money, I made an elope-
ment from this unhappy parent in the night-time,
and about break of day arrived at a small town,
•from whence a stage-coach set out for London, in
which I embarked, and next day alighted in town;
[8]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
the spirit of revenge having supported me all the
way against every other reflection. My first care
was to hire a lodging, in which I kept myself very
retired, having assumed a feigned name, that my
character and situation might be the better con-
cealed. It was not long before I found out the house
of my ravisher, whither I immediately repaired in a
transport of rage, determined to act some desperate
deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the
hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert
or resolve upon a particular plan. When I demanded
admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I was
desired to send up my name and business; but this
I refused, telling the porter I had business for his
master's private ear. Upon which I was conducted
into a parlour until he should be informed of my
request. There I remained about a quarter of an
hour, when a servant entered, and told me his mas-
ter was engaged with company, and begged to be
excused at that time. My temper could hold out no
longer; I pulled a poignard from my bosom where
I had concealed it, and, rushing out, flew upstairs
like a fury, exclaiming, "Where is this perfidious
villain.'' could I once plunge this dagger into his
false heart, I should then die satisfied." The noise
I made alarmed not only the servants, but the com-
pany also, who, hearing my threats, came forward to
the staircase to see what was the matter. I was
seized, disarmed, and withheld by two footmen; and,
in this situation, felt the most exquisite torture in
beholding my undoer approach with his young wife.
I could not endure the sight, was deprived of my
[9]
RODERICK RANDOM
senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know
not how I was treated; but when I recovered the
use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a paltry
apartment, where I was attended by an old woman,
who asked a thousand impertinent questions relat-
ing to my condition; and informed me that my be-
haviour had thrown the whole family into confusion;
that Lothario affirmed I was mad, and proposed to
have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady persuaded
herself there was more in my conduct than he cared
should be known, and had taken to her bed on bare
suspicion, having first ordered that I should be
narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without
making any other reply than desiring she would do
me the favour to call a chair; but this, she told me,
could not be done without her master's consent, which,
however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed to
my own lodgings in a state of mind that baffles all de-
scription. The agitation of my thoughts produced a
fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I believe it
is well for my conscience that Heaven thus disposed
of my burden; for, let me own to you with penitence
and horror, if I had brought a living child into the
world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacri-
fice the little innocent to my resentment of the
father's infidelity.
After this event my rage abated, and my hate
became more deliberate and calm ; when, one day,
my landlady informed me that there was a gentleman
below who desired to see me, he having something of
consequence to impart, which he was sure would con-
tribute to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly
[10]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
alarmed at this declaration, which I attempted to
interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any
determination he entered my room, with an apology
for intruding upon me against my knowledge or con-
sent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able
to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent,
what his business was with me? Upon which he
desired I would give him a particular audience, and
he did not doubt of communicating something that
would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I
thought myself sufficiently guarded against any vio-
lence, I granted his request, and bid the woman
withdraw. The stranger, then advancing, gave me
to understand that he was well acquainted with the
particulars of my story, having been informed of them
from Lothario's own mouth ; that, from the time he
knew my misfoi-tunes, he had entertained a detesta-
tion for the author of them; which had of late been
increased and inflamed to a desire of revenge, by a
piece of dishonoimable conduct towards him; that
hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come
with an intention of offering his assistance and com-
fort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel, and forth-
with take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would
grant him one consideration, which, he hoped, I should
see no reason to refuse. Had all the artifice of hell
been employed in composing a persuasive, it could not
have had a more instantaneous or favourable effect
than this discourse had upon me. I was transported
with a delirium of gloomy joy; I hugged my com-
panion in my arms, and vowed, that if he would make
good his promise, my soul and body should be at his
[111
RODERICK RANDOM
disposal. The contract was made; he devoted him-
self to my revenge, undertook to murder L<othauio
that very night, and to bring me an account of his
death before morning. Accordingly, about two of
the clock, he was introduced into my chamber, and
assured me my perfidious lover was no more; that,
although he was not entitled to such an honourable
proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the fieldj
where he upbraided him with his treachery towards
me, for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, and
after a few passes left him weltering in his blood. I
was so savaged by my wrongs that I delighted in the
recital of this adventure, made him repeat the par-
ticulars, feasted my eyes with the blood that remained
on his clothes and sword, and yielded up my body as
a recompense for the service he had done me. My
imagination was so engrossed with these ideas, that
in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me,
pale, mangled, and bloody, blamed my rashness, pro-
tested his innocence, and pleaded his own cause so
pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and
waked in a fit of horror and remorse. My bed-
fellow endeavoured to soothe, console, and persuade
me that I had but barely done justice to myself. I
dropped asleep again, and the same apparition
returned to my fancy. In short, I passed the night
in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with
such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving
my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility
of Lothario's recovery; it was true he left him
wounded on the ground, but not quite dead; and
perhaps his hurts might not be mortal. At these
(12]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
words I started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and
if he could not bring me tidings of Lothario's safety,
at least consult his own, and never return, for I was
resolved to surrender myself to justice, and declare
all that I knew of the affair, that, if possible, I might
expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a
sincere repentance and ignominious death. He very
coolly represented the unreasonableness of my preju-
dice against him, who had done nothing but what
his love of me inspired, and honour justified; that
now he had, at the risk of his life, been subservient to
my revenge, I was about to discard him as an infamous
agent occasionally necessary; and that, even if he
should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's
safety, it was probable my former resentment might
revive, and I would upbraid him of having failed in
his undertaking. I assured him that, on the contrary,
he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should
he convinced he acted more on the principles of a
man of honour than on those of a mercenary assassin,
and scorned to take away the life of an adversary, how
inveterate soever, which fortune had put in his power.
" Well, then, madam," said he, " whatever may have
happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to acquit
myself in point of honour." And took his leave, in
order to inquire into the consequences of his duel. I
was now more sensible than ever of the degrees of
guilt and misery; all the affliction I had suffered
hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weak-
ness, and my conscience could not accuse me of venial
crimes; but now that I looked upon myself as a
murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of my
[13]
RODERICK RANDOM
imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the
image of the deceased, and my bosom stung with the
most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. At
length Horatio (for so I shall call my keeper) returned,
and, telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered into
my hands a billet containing these words:
" Madam, — As I understand it is of consequence to
your peace, I take this liberty to inform you, that the
wounds received from Horatio are not mortal. This
satisfaction my humanity could not deny, even to a per-
son who has endeavoured to disturb the repose, as well
as destroy the life of Lothario."
Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no
reason to suspect an imposition in this letter, which I
read over in a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio
so much that he appeared the happiest man alive.
Thus was I won from despair by the menaces of a
greater misfortune than that which depressed me.
Griefs are like usurpers, the most powerful deposes all
the rest. But my raptures were not lasting; that
very letter which, in a manner, re-established my
tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His
unjust reproaches, while they waked my resentment,
recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with
rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation
of my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by
treating me with all the amusements and entertain-
ments of the town. I was gratified with every indul-
gence I could desire, introduced into the company of
other kept mistresses, by whom uncommon deference
[U]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
was paid to me; and I began to lose all remembrance
of my former condition, when an accident brought it
back to my view, with all its interesting circumstances.
Diverting myself one day with some newspapers, which
I had not before perused, the following advertisement
attracted my attention:
Whereas, a young gentlewoman disappeared from
her father's house, in the county of , about the
end of September, on account, as is supposed, of some
uneasiness of mind, and hais not been as yet heard of:
Whoever will give any information about her to Mr.
, of Gray's Inn, shall be handsomely rewarded;
or if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate
parent, she will be received with the utmost tender-
ness, whatever resison she may have to think other-
wise, and may be the means of prolonging the life of
a father, already weighed down almost to the grave
with age and sorrow."
This pathetic remonstrance had such an efiect on
me, that I was fully resolved to return, like the prod-
igal son, and implore the forgiveness of him who gave
me life; but, alas ! upon inquiry, I found he had paid
his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my
absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a
stranger, as a mark of his resentment of my unkind
and undutiful behaviour. Penetrated with remorse
on this occasion, I sunk into the most profound mel-
ancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause
of his death. I lost all relish for company, and indeed
most of my acquaintance no sooner perceived my
change of temper than they abandoned me. Hora-
. tio, ^sgusted at my insensibility, or, which is more
[15]
RODERICK RANDOM
probable, cloyed with possession, became colder and
colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, with-
out making any apology for his conduct, or securing
me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour
ought to have done, considering the share he had in
my ruin; for I afterwards learned that the quarrel
between Lothario and him was a story trumped up to
rid the one of my importunities, and give the other
the enjoyment of my person, which, it seems, he lusted
after, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer.
Reduced to this extremity, I cursed my simplicity;
uttered horrid imprecations against the treachery of
Horatio ; and, as I became every day more familiar-
ised to the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged
on the sex in general, by practising their own arts
upon themselves. Nor was an opportunity long
wanting; an old gentlewoman, under pretence of
sympathising, visited me, and, after having condoled
me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested
friendship, began to display the art of her occupation
in encomiums on my beauty, and invectives against
the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating withal,
that it would be my own fault if I did not still make
my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with
which nature had endowed me. I soon undei'stood
her drift, and gave her such encouragement to ex-
plain herself, that we came to an agreement immedi-
ately to divide the profits of my prostitution accruing
from such gallants as she should introduce to my
acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation was
practised upon a certain judge, to whom I was recom-
mended by this matron as an innocent creature just
[16]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
arrived from the country. He was so transported
with my appearance and feigned simplicity, that he
paid a hundred guineas for the possession of me for
one night only, during which I behaved in such a
manner as to make him perfectly well pleased with
his purchase.
VOL. IL—2
[17]
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY A BAILIFF, WHO ARRESTS AND
CARRIES HER TO THE MARSHALSEA I ACCOMPANY
HER BRING WITNESSES TO PROVE SHE IS NOT THE
PERSON NAMED IN THE WRIT THE BAILIFF IS FAIN
TO GIVE HER A PRESENT, AND DISCHARGE HER WE
SHinr OUR LODGING SHE RESUMES HER STORY,
AND ENDS IT — MY REFLECTIONS THEREUPON — SHE
MAKES ME ACQUAINTED WITH THE PROGRESS OF A
COMMON WOMAN OF THE TOWN RESOLVES TO QUIT
THAT WAY OF LIFE.
Her story was here interrupted by a rap
at the door, which I no sooner opened,
than three or four terrible fellows
rushed in, one of whom accosted my
fellow-lodger thus: "Madam, your servant, you
must do me the favour to come along with me — I
have got a writ against you." While the bailiff, for
so he was, spoke thus, his followers surrounded the
prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly.
This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched
up the poker, and would certainly have used it in
defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength
and number of her adversaries, had she not begged
me, with a composure of countenance for which I
could not accoimt, to use no violence in her behalf,
[18]
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
which could be of no service to her, but might be
very detrimental to myself. Then, turning to the
leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see
the writ, and having perused it, said, with a faltering
voice," I am not the person whose name is here men-
tioned; arrest me at your peril." " Ay, ay, madam,"
replied the catchpole, " we shall prove your identity.
In the meantime, whether will you be pleased to be
carried to my house, or to jail ? " " If I must be
confined," said she, "I would rather be in your
house than in a common jail." "Well, well," an-
swered he, "if you have money enough in your
pocket, you shall be entertained like a princess."
But when she acquainted him -with her poverty, he
swore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his
myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the Mar-
shalsea at once. While they waited for the conven-
ience, she took me aside, and bade me be under no
concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate
herself from this difficulty very soon, and, perhaps,
gain something by the occasion. Although her dis-
course was a mystery to me, I was very well pleased
with her assurance, and when the coach came to the
door, offered to accompany her to prison; to which
proposal, after much entreaty, she consented. When
we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our con-
doctor alighted, and having demanded entrance,
presented the writ to the turnkey, who no sooner per-
ceived the name of Elizabeth Cary, than he cried,
" Ah, hah! my old acquaintance, Bett! — I am glad
to see thee <vith all my heart." So saying, he opened
the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but
[19]
RODERICK RANDOM
when he observed her face, he started back, saying,
" Zounds! who have we got here ?" The bailiff,
alarmed at this interrogation, cried, with some emo-
tion, " Who the devil should it be, but the prisoner,
Elizabeth Gary?" The turnkey replied, "That
Elizabeth Cary ! — I'll be d—d if that's Elizabeth
Gary, more than my grandmother. D—^n my blood,
I know Rett Gary as well as if I had made her."
Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the
catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he
might have saved himself and her a great deal of
trouble. "It may be so," answered he, "but, by
G—d, I'll have forther evidence that you are not
the person before you and I part." " Yes, yes," said
she, "you shall have further evidence to your cost."
Then we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a
bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction
to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of
me to go to their lodgings, and request them to
come to her immediately. I found them together at a
house in Bridges Street, Drury Lane; and as they
were luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a
hackney-coach, without hesitation, after I had related
the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them
with the hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for there
is an antipathy as natural between the whores and
bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and cats.
Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they em-
braced the prisoner very affectionately by the name
of Nancy Williams, and asked how long she had been
nabbed, and for what ? On hearing the particulars
of her adventure repeated, they offered to swear be-
[20]
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
fore a justice of peace, that she was not the person
mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew;
but the bailiiF, who was by this time convinced of his
mistake, told them that he would not put them to
that trouble. " Ladies," said he, " there's no harm
done; you shall give me leave to treat you with
another bottle, and then we'll part friends." This
proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood ; and
Miss WiUiams told him, sure he did not imagine her
such a fool, as to be satisfied with a paltry glass of
sour wine. Here "the turnkey interrupted her, by
afRrming with an oath, that the wine was as good as
ever was tipped over tongue. " Well," continued she,
" that may be, but was it the best of champagne, it
is no recompense for the damage I have suffered both
in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged
to jail. At this rate, no innocent person is safe, since
an officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, or
mistake, may injiu-e and oppress the subject with im-
punity. But, thank Heaven, I live under the pro-
tection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass
unpunished, and I know very well how to procure
redress." Mr. Vulture (for that was the bailiff's
name), finding he had to deal with one who would
not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and
perplexed, and leaning his forehead on his hand, en-
tered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted a
few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dread-
fill curses against the old b—ch, our landlady, as he
called her, for having misinformed him. After much
wrangling and swearing, the matter was referred to
the decision of the turnkey, who, calling for the other
[211
RODERICK RANDOM
bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had
been drank, coach-hire, and a couple of guineas, for
the use of the plaintiff. The money was immediately
deposited; Miss Williams gratified the two evidences
with one half, and, putting the other in her pocket,
drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling
over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so
cheaply got clear of a business that might have cost
him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. This
guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were
reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts, and
almost aU my clothes, except those on my back, having
been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before
this happened. As we resented the behaviour of our
landlady, our first care was to provide ourselves with
another lodging, whither we removed the next day,
with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as pos-
sible, until our cure should be completed. When we
were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated her to
finish the story of her life, which she pursued in this
manner:
The success of our experiment on the judge en-
couraged us to practise the same deceit on others, and
my virginity was five times sold to good purpose.
But this harvest lasted not long, my character taking
air, and my directress deserting me for some new
game. Then I took lodgings near Charing Cross, at
two guineas per week, and began to entertain com-
pany in a public manner; but my income being too
small to defray my expense, I was obliged to retrench,
and enter into articles with the porters of certain
[22 J
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
taverns, who undertook to find employment enough
for me, provided I would share my profits with them.
Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with
company, among whom I was exposed to every mor-
tification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunk-
enness, brutality, and disease. How miserable is the
condition of a courtezan, whose business it is to
soothe, suffer, and obey the dictates of rage, insolence,
and lust! As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled
to the will, nor my temper calculated for the con-
versation of my gallants, it was impossible for me to
overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which
manifested itself in a settled gloom on my counte-
nance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so
much, that I was frequently used in a shocking man-
ner, and kicked downstairs with disgrace. The mes-
sengers seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors
and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and
I began to find myself almost totally neglected. To
contribute towards my support, I was fain to sell my
watch, rings, trinkets, with the best part of my
clothes; and I was one evening musing by myself on
the misery before me, when I received a message
from a bagnio, whither I repaired in a chair, and was
introduced to a gentleman dressed like an officer,
with whom I supped in a sumptuous manner, and,
after drinking a hearty glass of champagne, went to
bed. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my
gallant had got up, and, drawing aside the curtain,
could not perceive him in the room. This circum-
stance gave me some uneasiness; but as he might
have retired on some necessary occasion, I waited a
[23]
RODERICK RANDOM
full hour for his return, and then in the greatest per-
plexity rose up, and rang the belL When the waiter
came to the door he found it locked, and desired
admittance, which I granted, after observing, with
great surprise, that the key remained on the inside,
as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for
the captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted
look, cried, " How, madam! is he not a-bed ? " And
when he was satisfied as to that particular, ran into
a closet adjoining to the chamber, the window of
which he found open. Through this the adventurer
had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down
into a court, and escaped, leaving me to be answer-
able, not only for the reckoning, but also for a large
silver tankard and posset bowl, which he had carried
off with him. It is impossible to describe the con-
sternation I was under, when I saw myself detained
as a thiefs accomplice; for I was looked upon in
that light, and carried before a justice, who, mistak-
ing my confusion for a sign of guilt, committed me,
after a short examination, to Bridewell, having
advised me, as the only means to save my life, to
turn evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now
concluded the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken
me, and that I must soon finish my career by an
ignominious death. This reflection sunk so deep
into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of
my reason, and actually believed myself in hell, tor-
mented by fiends: indeed, there needs not a very
extravagant imagination to form that idea; for, of
all the scenes on earth, that of Bridewell approaches
nearest the notion I had always entertained of the
[21]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
infernal regions. Here I saw nothing but rage,
anguish, and impiety; and heard nothing but groans,
curses, and blasphemy. In the midst of this hell-
ish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a harba-
rian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not
possibly perform, and then punished my incapacity
with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often
whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it, during
which miserable intervals I was robbed by my fellow-
prisoners of everything about me, even to my cap,
shoes, and stockings: I was not only destitute of
necessaries, but even of food; so that my wretched-
ness was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance, to
whom I imparted my situation, would grant me the
least succour or regard, on pretence of my being com-
mitted for theft; and my landlord refused to part
with some of my own clothes, which I sent for,
because I was indebted to him for a week's lodging.
Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and
resolved to put an end to my grievances and life
together: for this purpose I got up in the middle of
the night, when I thought everybody around me
asleep; and fixing one end of my handkerchief to a
large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on
which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair,
and making a noose on the other end, put my neck
into it, with an intention to hang myself; but before
I could adjust the knot, I was surprised and pre-
vented by two women who had been awake all the
while, and suspected my design. In the morning
my attempt wjis published among the prisoners, and
punished with thirty stripes; the pain of which
[25]
RODERICK RANDOM
co-operating with my disappointment and disgrace,
bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecstasy
of madness, during which I tore the flesh from my
bones with my teeth, and dashed my head against
the pavement; so that they were obliged to set a
watch over me, to restrain me from doing further
mischief to myself and others. This fit, of frenzy
continued three days, at the end of which I grew
calm and sullen; but, as the desire of making away
with myself still remained, I came to a determination
of starving myself to death, and with that view
refused all sustenance. Whether it was owing to
the want of opposition, or to the weakness of nature,
I know not, but on the second day of my fast, I
found my resolution considerably impaired, and the
calls of hunger almost insupportable. At this criti-
cal conjuncture, a lady was brought into the prison,
with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while
I lived with Horatio: she was then on the same
footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her
gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered
her scheme of life, and set up her coffee-house among
the hundreds of Drury, where she entertained gentle-
men with claret, arrack, and the choice of half a
dozen of damsels, who lived in her house. This
serviceable matron having neglected to gratify a
certain justice for the connivance she enjoyed, was
indicted at the quarter sessions, in consequence of
which her bevy was dispersed, and herself committed
to Bridewell. She had not been long there, before
she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after
a compliment of condolence, inquired into the par-
[26]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
ticulars of my fate. While were engaged in dis-
course together, the master came and told me, that
the fellow on whose account I had suffered was
taken; that he had confessed the theft, and cleared
3Bie of any concern in the affair; for which reason,
he, the master, had orders to discharge me; and
that I was from that moment free. This piece of
news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had
such an instantaneous effect on my countenance, that
Mrs. Coupler (the lady then present), hoping to find
her account in me, very generously offered to furnish
me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into
her own house, as soon as she should compromise
matters with the justices. The conditions of her
offer were, that I should pay three guineas weekly
for my board, and a reasonable consideration besides
for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she
should supply me with, to be deducted from the first
profits of my embraces. These were hard terms;
but not to be rejected by one who was turned out
helpless and naked into the wide world, without a
fnend to pity or assist her. I therefore embraced
her proposal; and she being bailed in a few hours,
took me home with her in a coach. As I was by
this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my
admirers by my reserved and haughty behaviour, I
now endeavoured to conquer that disposition; and
the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow
of spirits, I appeared in the most winning and gay
manner I could assume. Having the advantage of a
good voice and education, I exerted my talents to
the uttermost, and soon became the favourite with
[27]
RODERICK RANDOM
all company. This success alarmed the pride and
jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the
thoughts of being eclipsed: she therefore made a
merit of her envy, and whispered among the cus-
tomers that I was unsound. There needed no more
to ruin my reputation, and blast my prosperity;
everybody shunned me with marks of aversion and
disdain; and, in a very short time, I was as solitary
as ever. Want of gallants was attended with want
of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who, hav-
ing purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven
pounds, took out a writ against me, and I was
arrested in her own house. Though the room was
crowded with people, when the bailiff entered, not
one of them had compassion enough to mollify my
prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt. They even
laughed at my tears; and one of them bade me be
of good cheer, for I should not want admii*ers in New-
gate. At that instant, a sea lieutenant came in, and
seeing my plight, began to inquire into the circum-
stances of my misfortune; when this wit advised him
to keep clear of me, for I was a fire-ship. " A fire-
ship " replied the sailor, " more like a poor galley
in distress, that has been boai'ded by such a fire-ship
as you; if so be as that is the case, she stands in
more need of assistance. Hark'ee, my girl, how far
have ye over-run the constable ? " I told him, that
the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the
expense of the writ—"An' that be all," said he,
" you shan't go to the bilboes this bout." And
taking out his purse, paid the money, discharged
the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong
tasj
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
port, advised me to seek out a more convenient bar-
hour, where I could be safely hove down, for which
purpose he made me a present of five guineas more.
I was so touched with this singular piece of generos-
ity, that, for some time, I had not power to thank
him. However, as soon as I had recollected myself,
I begged the favour of him to go with me to the
next tavern, where I explained the nature of my
disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what
was reported to my prejudice so effectually, th t he
from that moment attached himself to me; and we
lived in great harmony together, until he was obliged
to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.
Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed
the remains of his bounty, I saw myself in danger of
relapsing into my former necessity, and began to be
very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails;
when one of the sisterhood, a little stale, advised me
to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was
unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I
might entrap somebody to be my husband, who
would possibly be able to allow me a handsome main-
tenance, or at worst screen me from the dread and
danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever
debts I should contract. I approved of this scheme,
towards the execution of which my companion
clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with
me in quality of my maid; with the proviso, that
she should be reimbursed, and handsomely con-
sidered out of the profits of my success. She was
immediately detached to look out for a convenient
place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment
[29]
RODERICK RANDOM
in Park Street, whither I moved in a coach loaded
with her baggage and my own. I made my first
appearance in a blue riding-habit trimmed with sil-
ver; and my maid acted her part so artfully, that,
in a day or two, my fame was spread all over the
neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress
just arrived from the country. This report brought
a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I soon
found them out to be all indigent adventurers like
myself, who crowded to me like crows to a carrion,
with a view of preying upon my fortune. I main-
tained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as
possible, in hopes of gaining some admirer more for
my purpose; and at length attracted the regard of
one who would have satisfied my wishes; and man-
aged matters so well, that a day was actually fixed
for our nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to
introduce an intimate friend to me; which request I
could not refuse. I had the extreme mortification
and surprise to see next night, in that friend, my old
keeper, Horatio; who no sooner beheld me, than he
changed colour; but had presence of mind to ad-
vance, and salute me, bidding me, with a low voice,
be under no apprehension, for he would not expose
me. In spite of this assurance, I could not recover
myself so far as to entertain them, but withdrew to
my chamber, on pretence of a severe headache, to the
no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in
the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.
Having imparted my situation to my companion,
she found it high time for us to decamp, and that'
without any noise, because we were not only indebted
[80]
HISTORY OF MISS WILLIAMS
to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the
neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted
and executed in this manner; — having packed up all
our clothes and movables in small parcels, she, on
pretence of fetching cordials for me, carried them, at
^several times, to the house of an acquaintance, where
she likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired
in the middle of the night, when every other body in
the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim at
lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among
tradespeople; but found them all too phlegmatic or
cautious for my art and attractions; till at last I
became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all
my dexterity; not that I believed you had any for-
tune, or expectation of one, but that I might trans-
fer the burden of such debts as I had incurred, or
should contract, from myself to another; and at the
same time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering
miserable one who bore such a resemblance to the
wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you
from my snares, by the discovery you made, which
was owing to the negligence of my maid in leaving
the chamber door unlocked, when she went to buy
sugar for breakfast. The person in bed with me was
a gentleman, whom I had allured the night before,
as he walked homeward, pretty much elevated with
liquor; for by this time my condition was so low,
that I was forced to turn out in the twilight in the
streets, in hopes of prey. When I found myself
detected and forsaken by you, I was fain to move my
lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher than
before. My companion, being disappointed in her
[81]
RODERICK RANDOM
expectations, left me, to trade upon her own bottom,
and I had no o^ "®r resource than to venture forth
like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious
and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often saun-
tered between Ludgate Hill and Charing Cross a
whole winter night, exposed not only to the inclem- ^
ency of the weather, but likewise to the rage of
hunger and thirst, without being so happy as to
meet with one cully; then creep up to my garret in
a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and
try to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When
I lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling home
drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal treat-
ment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety
and good humour, though my soul was stung with
resentment and disdain, and my heart loaded with
grief and affliction. In the course of these nocturnal
adventures, I was infected with the disease, that, in
a short time, rendered me the object of my own
abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat, where your
benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.
So much candour and good sense appeared in this
lady's narration, that I made no scruple of believing
every syllable of what she said; and expressed my
astonishment at the variety of miseries she had under-
gone in so little time; for all her misfortunes had
happened within the compass of two years. I com-
pared her situation with my own, and found it a
thousand times more wretched. I had endured hard-
ships, 't is true; my whole life had been a series of
such; and when I looked forward, the prospect was
[38]
A COURTEZAN'S MISERIES
not much bettered; but then they were become
habitual to me, and consequently I could bear
them with less difficulty. If one scheme of life
should not succeed, I could have recourse to another,
and so to a third, veering about to a thousand dif-
ferent shifts, 8w;cording to the emergencies of my fate,
without forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond
a power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly
to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the
other hand, she had known and relished the sweets
of prosperity; she had been brought up under the
wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to
which her sex and rank entitled her; and, without
any extravagance of hope, entertained herself with
the view of uninterrupted happiness through the
whole scene of life. How fatal then, how torment-
ing, how intolerable must her reverse of fortune be!
a reverse that not only robs her of these external
comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of
want, but also murders her peace of mind, and en-
tails upon her the curse of eternal infaipy! Of all
professions, I pronounce that of a courtezan the
most deplorable, and her of all courtezans the most
unhappy. She allowed my observation to be just in
the main, but at the same time affirmed, that, not-
withstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her
share, she had not been so unlucky in the condition of
a prostitute, as many others of the same community.
" I have often seen," said she," while I strolled about
the streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches
reduced to rags and filth, huddled together like
swine, in the comer of a dark alley; some of whom,
VOL. u.—8 [ 33 j
RODERICK RANDOM
but eighteen months before, I had known the favour-
ites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering
in all the pomp of equipage and dress. And indeed
the gradation is easily conceived. The most fashion-
able woman of the town is as liable to contagion
as one in a much humbler sphere; she infects her
admirers, her situation is public; she is avoided,
neglected, unable to support her usual appearance,
which however she strives to maintain as long as
possible; her credit fails; she is obliged to re-
trench, and become a night-walker; her malady
gains ground; she tampers with her constitution,
and ruins it; her complexion fades; she grows nau-
seous to everybody; finds herself reduced to a
starving condition; is tempted to pick pockets;
is detected; committed to Newgate, where she
remains in a miserable condition till she is dis-
charged, because the plaintiff will not appear to
prosecute her. Nobody will afford her lodgings;
the symptoms of her distemper are grown outra-
geous; she sues to be admitted into an hospital, where
she is cured at the expense of her nose; she is turned
out naked into the streets, depends upon the ad-
dresses of the lowest class, is fain to allay the rage
of hunger and cold with gin; degenerates into a
brutal insensibility, rots and dies upon a dunghill.
Miserable wretch that I am ! perhaps the same hor-
rors are decreed for me! No," cried she, after some
pause, " I shall never live to such extremity of dis-
tress! my own hand shall open a way for my deliv-
erance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!" Her
condition filled me with sympathy and compassion;
[34]
A COURTEZAN'S MISERIES
I revered her qualifications, looked upon her as un*
fortunate, not criminal, and attended her with such
care and success, that, in less than two months, her
health, as well as my own, was perfectly re-estab-
lished. As we often conferred upon our mutual
aflairs, and interchanged advice, a thousand different
projects were formed, which, upon further canvass-
ing, appeared impracticable. We would have gladly
gone to service; but who would take us in without
recommendation ? At length an expedient occurred
to her, of which she intended to lay hold; and this
was to procure, with the first money she should earn,
the homely garb of a coimtry wench, go to some
village at a good distance from town, and come up
in a waggon, as a fresh girl for service; by which
means she might be provided for in a manner much
more suitable to her inclination than her present
way of life.
[35]
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I AM BEDUCED TO GREAT MISERY ASSAUI-TED ON TOWER
HILL BY A PRESS-GANG, WHO POT ME ON BOARD A
TENDER MY USAGE THERE MY ARRIVAL ON
BOARD OF THE Tkundcr MAN-OF-WAR, WHERE I
AM PUT IN IRONS, AND AFTERWARDS RELEASED BY
THE GOOD OFFICES OF MR. THOMSON, WHO RECOM-
MENDS ME AS ASSISTANT TO THE SURGEON HE
RELATES HIS OWN STORY, AND MAKES ME ACQUAINTED
WITH THE CHARACTERS OF THE CAPTAIN, SURGEON,
AND FIRST MATE.
I APPLAUDED the resolution of Miss Wil-
liams, who, a few days after, was hired in
quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies
who had witnessed in her behalf at the Mar-
shalsea, and who since that time had got credit with
a wine merchant, whose favourite she was, to set up a
convenient house of her own. Thither my fellow-
lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me with
a torrent of tears, and a thousand protestations of
eternal gratitude; assuring me, she would remain
in this situation no longer than she should pick
up money sufficient to put her other design in
execution.
As for my own part, I saw no resource but the
army or navy, between which I hesitated so long,
that I foimd myself reduced to a starving condition.
[36]
SEIZED BY A PRESS-GANG
My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beg-
garly fate, and I became so mean as to go down
towards Wapping, with an intention to inquire for
an old schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the
command of a small coasting vessel, then in the
river, and implore his assistance. But my destiny
prevented this abject piece of behaviour; for, as I
crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny fellow, with a
hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand, came
up to me, calling, "Yo, ho! brother, you must
come along with me." As I did not like his ap-
pearance, instead of answering his salutation, I
quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of
his company; upon which he whistled aloud, and
immediately another sailor appeared before me, who
laid hold of me by the collar, and began to drag me
along. Not being of a humour to relish such treat-
ment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and with
one blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the
ground ; and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice,
by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such
dexterity and success, that some of my opponents
were fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and, after
an obstinate engagement, in which I received a large
wound on my head, and another on my left cheek, I
was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a
pressing tender, where, after being pinioned like a
malefactor, I was thrust down into the hold among
a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well-
nigh distracted me. As the commanding officer had
not humanity enough to order my wounds to be
dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired
[37]
RODERICK RANDOM
one of my fellow-captives, who was unfettered, to
take a handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it
round my head to stop the bleeding. He pulled out
my handkerchief, 't is true; but, instead of applying
it to the use for which I designed it, went to the
grating of the hatchway, and with astonishing com-
posure, sold it before my face to a bum-boat woman'
then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he
treated my companions, regardless of my circum-
stances and intreaties.
I complained bitterly of this robbery to the mid-
shipman on deck, telling him at the same time, that
unless my hurts were dressed, I should bleed to death.
But compassion was a weakness of which no man
could justly accuse this person, who, squirting a
mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me through the
gratings, told me, " I was a mutinous dog, and that
I might die and be d—d." Finding there was no
other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this
usage in my memory, to be recalled at a fitter season.
In the meantime, loss of blood, vexation, and want of
food, contributed, with the noisome stench of the
place, to throw me into a swoon; out of which I was
recovered by a tweak of the nose, administered by the
tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the same time
regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted me
with the hopes of being put on board the Thunder
next day, where I should be freed of my handcufPs,
and cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner
^ A bum-boat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor,
and fresh provisions to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the
ship.
(38)
NEWS OF LIEUTENANT BOWLING
heard him name the Thunder, than I asked if he had
belonged to that ship long ? and he giving me to
understand, he had belonged to her five years, I
inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling ? " Know
Lieutenant Bowling?" said he, — "odds my life!
and that I do! and a good seaman he is, as ever
stepped upon forecastle, — and a brave fellow as ever
crack'd bisket; — none of your Guinea pigs, — nor
your fresh-water, wishy-washy, fair-weather fowls.
Many a taut gale of wind has honest Tom Bowling
and I weathered together. Here's his health with all
my heart, wherever he is, aloft or alow — in heaven
or in hell — all's one for that — he needs not be
ashamed to show himself." I was so much affected
with this eulogiiim, that I could not refrain from
telling him that I was Lieutenant Bowling's kins-
man; in consequence of which connexion he ex-
pressed an inclination to serve me, and, when he was
relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a platter,
and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and
afterwards drank another can of flip together. While
we were thus engaged, he recounted a great many
exploits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much
beloved by the ship's company, and pitied for the
misfortune that had happened to him in Hispaniola,
which I was very glad to be informed was not so
great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum had recov-
ered of his wounds, and actually at that time com-
manded the ship. Having, by accident, in my
pocket, my uncle's letter, written from Port Louis,
I gave it to my benefactor, whose name was Jack
Rattlin, for his perusal; but honest Jack told me
[391
RODERICK RANDOM
frankly he could not read, and desired to know
the contents; which I immediately communicated.
When he heard that part of it in which he says he
had writ to his landlord in Deal, he cried, " Body
o' me! that was old Ben Block — he was dead before
the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been
alive, Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occa-
sion to skulk so long. Honest Ben was the first man
that taught him to hand, reef, and steer. — Well,
well, we must all die, that's certain, — we must all
come to port sooner or later — at sea, or on shore;
we must be fast moored one day; death's like the
best bower anchor, as the saying is, it will bring us
all up.'"
I could not but signify my approbation of the
justness of Jack''s reflections; and inquired into the
occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and
my uncle; which he explained in this manner:
** Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good man enough,
—besides he's my commander; — but what's that
to me ? — I do my duty, and value no man's anger
of a rope's end. — Now the report goes, as how he's
a lord or baron knight's brother, whereby, d'ye see
me, he carries a strait arm, and keeps aloof from
his officers, thof, may hap, they may be as good men
in the main as he. Now we lying at anchor in
Tuberoon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle
watch, and as he always kept a good look out, he
made, d' ye see, three lights in the offing, whereby
he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and
found the captain asleep; whereupon he waked him,
which put him in a main high passion, and he
ABOARD THE "THUNDER"
«wore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him
lousy Scotch son of a whore (for I being then sentinel
in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and lubber,
whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they
jawed together, fore and aft, a good spell, till at last
the captain turned out, and laying hold of a rattan,
came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter; whereby he
told the captain, that, if he was not his commander,
he would heave him overboard, and demanded satis-
faction ashore; whereby, in the morning watch, the
captain went ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards
the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore; and so
they, leaving their boats' crews on their oars, went
away together; and so, d' ye see, in less than a quar-
ter of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for
the place, and found the captain lying wounded on
the beach, and so brought him on board to the
doctor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But
the lieutenant clapp'd on all the sail he could bear,
and had got far enow ahead before we knew anything
of the matter; so that we could never after get
sight of him, for which we were not sorry, because
the captain was mainly wroth, and would certainly
have done him a mischief; — for he afterwards caused
him to be run on the ship's books, whereby he lost
all his pay, and if he should be taken, would be
tried as a deserter."
This account of the captain's behaviour gave me
no advantageous idea of his character; and I could
not help lamenting my own fate, that had subjected
me to such a commander. However, making a vir-
tue of necessity, 1 put a good face on the matter,
[41]
RODERICK RANDOM
and next day was, with the other pressed men, put
on board of the Thunder, lying at the Nore. When
we ramp alongside, the mate who guarded us thither
ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, that I might
get on board the easier. This circumstance being
perceived by some of the company, who stood upon
the gang-boards to see Us enter, one of them called
to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this
friendly office for me, "Hey, Jack, what Newgate
galley have you boarded in the river as you came
dong? Have we not thieves enow among us al-
ready?" Another, observing my wovmds, which
remained exposed to the air, told me that my
seams were imcaulked, and that I must be new
payed. A third, seeing my hair clotted together
with blood, as it were, into distinct cords, took no-
tice, that my bows were manned with the red ropes,
instead of my side. A fourth asked me, if I could
not keep my yards square without iron braces?
And, in short, a thousand witticisms of the same
nature were passed upon me before I could get up
the ship's side. After we had been all entered upon
the ship's books, I inquired of one of my shipmates
where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds
dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle
deck, (for our ship carried eighty guns,) in my way
to the cock-pit, when I was met by the same mid-
shipman who had used me so barbarously in the
tender. He, seeing me free from my chains, asked,
with an insolent air, who had released me ? To this
question I foolishly answered, with a coimtenance
that- too plainly declared the state of my thoughts,
[48]
THOMSON'S GOOD OFFICES
" Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult
you in the affair." I had no sooner uttered these
words, than he cried, " D—n you, you saucy son of
a hitch, I'll teach you to talk so to your officer."
So saying, he bestowed on me several severe stripes
with a supple-jack he had in his hand; and, going
to the commanding officer, made such a report of me,
that I was immediately put in irons by the master-
at-arms, and a sentinel placed over me. Honest
Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came
to me, and administered all the consolation he could,
and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent
one of his mates to dress my wounds. This mate
was no other than my old friend Thomson, with
whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office, as
before mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, it
was not easy for him to recognise me, disfigured with
blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had
undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed
me with looks of compassion, and handled my sores
with great tenderness. When he had applied what he
thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked
him, if my misfortunes had disguised me so much
that he could not recollect my face? Upon this
address, he observed me with great earnestness for
some time, and at length protested he could not
recollect one feature of my countenance.
To keep him no longer in suspense, I told him my
name; which when he heard, he embraced me with
affection, and professed his sorrow in seeing me in
such a disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted
with my story; and when he heard how inhumanly-
[43]
RODERICK RANDOM
I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly,
assuring me I should see him again soon. I had
scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when
the master-at-arms came to the place of my confine-
ment, and bade me follow him to the quarter-deck,
where I was examined by the first lieutenant, who
commanded the ship in the absence of the captain,
touching the treatment I had received in the tender
from my friend the midshipman, who was present to
confront me, I recounted the particulars of his be-
haviour to me, not only in the tender, but since my
being on board the ship, part of which being proved
by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had
no great devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged
from confinement, to make way for him, who was
delivered to the master-at-arms to take his turn in
the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction
I enjoyed; for I was, at the request of the surgeon,
exempted from all other duty than that of assisting
his mates in making and administering medicines to
the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship
of Mr. Thomson, who had represented me in such a
favourable light to the surgeon, that he demanded
me of the lieutenant to supply the place of his third
mate, who was lately dead. When I had obtained
this favour, my friend Thomson carried me down to
the cock-pit, which is the place allotted for the habi-
tation of the surgeon's mates; and when he hsul
shown me their berth, as he called it, I was filled
with astonishment and horror.
We descended by divers ladders to a space as dark
as a dungeon, which I understood was immersed sev-
[44 J
THOMSON'S GOOD OFFICES
end feet under water, being immediately above the
hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal gulf,
than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench
of putrefied cheese and rancid butter, that issued
from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, resem-
bling a chandler's shop, where, by the faint glimmer-
ing of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale-
meagre countenance, sitting behind a kind of desk,
having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand.
This, I learned of Mr. Thomson, was the ship's
steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the
several messes, and to mark what each received. He
therefore presented my name to him, ^nd desired I
might be entered in his mess; then, taking a light
in his hand, conducted me to the place of his resi-
dence, which was a square of about six feet, sur-
rounded with the medicine chest, that of the first
mate, his own, and a boai-d, by way of table, fastened
to the after powder-room ; it was also enclosed with
canvas, nailed round to the beams of the ship, to
screen us from the cold, as well as from the view of
the midshipmen and quarter-masters, who lodged
within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In this
gloomy mansion he entertained me with some cold
salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker,
fixed above the table; and, calling for the boy of
the mess, sent for a can of beer, of which he made
excellent flip to crown the banquet. By this time I
began to recover my spirits, which had been exceed-
ingly depressed by the appearance of everything
about me, and could no longer refrain from asking
the particulars of Mr. Thomson's fortune, since I had
[45J
RODERICK RANDOM
seen him in London. He told me, that being disap-
pointed in his expectations of borrowing money to
gratify the rapacious secretary at the Navy Office, he
found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer in
town, and had actually offered his service in quality
of mate to the surgeon of a merchant's ship bound to
Guinea, on the slaving trade; when, one morning, a
yoimg fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance,
came to his lodgings, and informed him, that he had
seen a warrant made out in his name at the Navy
Office, for surgeon's second mate of a third rate. This
unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely
believe to be true, more especially as he had been
found qualified at Surgeons' Hall for third mate only;
but, that he might not be wanting to himself, he
went thither to be assured, and actually found it so.
Whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered
to him, and the oaths administered immediately.
That very afternoon he went to Gravesend in the tilt-
boat, from whence he took a place in the tide-coach
for Rochester; next morning, got on board the
Thunder, for which he was appointed, then lying in
the harbour at Chatham; and the same day was
mustered by the clerk of the cheque. And well it
was for him that such expedition was used; for, in
less than twelve hours after his arrival, another
William Thomson came on board, affirming that he
was the person for whom the warrant was expedited,
and that the other was an impostor.
My friend was grievously alarmed at this acci-
dent — the more so, as his namesake had very much
the advantage over him both in assurance and dress.
[46]
A SECOND THOMSON
However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of im-
posture, he produced several letters, written from
Scotland to him in that name, and recollecting that
his indentures were in a box on board, he brought
them up, and convinced all present that he had not
assumed a name which did not belong to him. His
competitor, enraged that they should hesitate in
doing him justice, (for, to be sm-e, the warrant had
been designed for him,) behaved with so much inde-
cent heat, that the commanding officer, who was the
same gentleman I had seen, and the surgeon, were
offended at his presumption, and, making a point of
it with their friends in town, in less than a week got
the first confirmed in his station. " I have been on
board," said he, " ever since, and, as this way of life
is become familiar to me, have no cause to complain
of my situation. The surgeon is a good-natured in-
dolent man; the first mate, who is now on shore on
duty, is, indeed, a little proud and choleric, as all
Welshmen are, but, in the main, a friendly honest
fellow. The lieutenants I have no concern with;
and as for the captain, he is too much of a gentle-
man to know a surgeon's mate, even by sight."
[47]
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
THE BEHAVIOUE OF MR. MORGAN HIS PRIDE, DIS-
PLEASURE, AND GENEROSITY THE ECONOMY OF
OUR MESS DESCRIBED THOMSON'S FURTHER FRIEND-
SHIP THE NATURE OF MY DUTY EXPLAINED
THE SITUATION OF THE SICK.
WHILE he was thus discoursing to me,
we heard a voice on the cock-pit lad-
der pronounce with great vehemence,
in a strange dialect, " The devil and
his dam blow me from the top of Mounchdenny, if I
go to him before there is something in my pelly; let
his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as plue as a pell,
look you, or green as a leek, 't is all one." To
this declaration somebody answered, "So it seems
my poor messmate must part his cable for want of a
little assistance. His fore-top-sail is loose already;
and, besides, the doctor ordered you to overhaul
him; but I see you don't mind what your master
says." Here he was interrupted with, "Splunter
and oons ! you lousy tog, who do you call my mas-
ter.? get you gone to the doctor, and tell him my
birth, and education, and my abilities, and more-
over, my behaviour is as good as his, or any shentle-
man's (no disparagement to him) in the whole world.
[48]
MORGAN DESCRIBED
Got pless my soul! does he think, or conceive, or
imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to
trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and
downwards, and by sea and by land, at his will and
pleasure ? Go your ways, you rapscallion, and tell
Dr. Atkins, that I desire and request that he will
give a look to the tying man, and order something
for him if he be dead or alive, and I will see him
take it by and by, when my craving stomach is satis-
fled, look you." At this the other went away, say-
ing, that if they would serve him so when he was
dying, by G—d, he would be foul of them in the
. other world.
Here Mr. Thomson let me know that the person
we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate, who was
just come on board from the hospital, whither he
had attended some of the sick in the morning. At
the same time I saw him come into the berth. He
was a short thick man, with a face garnished with
pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an exces-
sive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded with
skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My
friend immediately made him acquainted with my
case; when he regarded me with a very lofty look,
but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in
his hand, and approached the cupboard, which, when
he had opened, he exclaimed in a great passion,
" Cot is my life! all the pork is gone, as I am a
Christian!" Thomson then gave him to understand,
that as I h«id been brought on board half-famished,
he could do no less than entertain me with what
was in the locker; and the rather as he had bid the
VOL. II. — 4 [ ^9 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
steward enter me in the mess. Whether this disap-
pointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than
usual, or he rather thought himself too little re-
garded by his fellow-mate, I know not, but, after
some pause, he went on in this manner," Mr. Thom-
son, perhaps you do not use me with all the good
manners, and complaisance, and respect, look you,
that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed
to advise with me in this affair. I have, in my time,
look you, been a man of some weight and substance
and consideration, and have kept house and home,
and paid scot and lot, and the king^s taxes; ay, and
maintained a family to boot. And moreover, also, I
am your senior, and your elder, and your petter, Mr.
Thomson.'" " My elder I '11 allow you to be, but not
my better," cried Thomson with some heat. " Cot is
my Saviour, and witness too," said Morgan, with
great vehemence, " that I am more elder, and there-
fore more petter, by many years, than you." Fear-
ing this dispute might be attended with some bad
consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan I
was very sorry for having been the occasion of any
difference between him and the second mate; and
that rather than cause the least breach in their good
understanding, I would eat my allowance by myself,
or seek admission into some other company. But
Thomson, with more spirit than discretion, as I
thought, insisted upon my remaining where he had
appointed me; and observed, that no man possessed
of generosity and compassion would have any objec-
tion to it, considering my birth and talents, and the
misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone.
[60]
A DESCENDANT OF CARACTACUS
This was. touching Mr. Morgan on the right key,
who protested with gr^t earnestness that he had no
objection to my being received in the mess; but
only complained that the ceremony of asking his
consent was not observed. " As for a shentleman in
distress," said he, shaking me by the hand, " I lofe
him as I lofe my own powels; for. Cot help me! I
have had vexations enough upon my own pack."
And, as 1 afterwards learned, in so saying, he spoke
no more than what was true; for he had been once
settled in a very good situation in Glamorganshire,
and was ruined by being security for an acquaint-
ance. All differences being composed, he untied his
bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions,
and a great lump of Cheshire cheese, wrapped up in
a handkerchief; and, taking some biscuit from the
cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to
a share of the repast. When he had fed heartily on
his homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a
cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and drinking it off,
told us, " Prandy was the pest menstruum for onion
and sheese." His hunger being appeased, he began
to be in better humour; and being inquisitive about
my birth, no sooner understood that I was descended
of a good family, than he discovered a particular
good will to me on that account, deducing his own
pedigree in a direct line from the famous Caractacus,
king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner and
afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar. Perceiving
how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made
me a present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with
two more of check which I received from Mr. Thom-
[51]
RODERICK RANDOM
son, enabled me to appear with decency. Mean-
while the sailor whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the
doctor, brought a prescription for his messmate,
which, when the Welshman had read, he got up to
prepare it, and asked if the man was " Tead or alive."
"Dead!" replied Jack, "if he was dead he would
have no occasion for doctor's stuff. No, thank God,
death ha'nt as yet boarded him, but they have been
yard arm and yard arm these three glasses." " Are
his eyes open ?" continued the mate. " His star-
board eye," said the sailor, " is open, but fast jammed
in his head; and the haulyards of his under jaw have
given way." " Passion of my heart!" cried Morgan,
" the man is as pad as one would desire to be I Did
you feel his pulses ? " To this the other replied with,
"Anan.?" Upon which this Cambro-Briton, with
great earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to
run to his messmate, and keep him cdive till he
should come with the medicine, "And then," said
he, " you sball, peradventure, pehold what you shall
see." The poor fellow, with great simplicity,- ran to
the place where the sick man lay, but, in less than a
minute, returned with a woeful countenance, and told
us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this,
exclaimed, " Mercy upon my salvation! why did you
not stop him till I came ? " " Stop him ? " said the
other; " I hailed him several times, but he was too
far on his way, and the enemy had got possession of
his close quarters; so that he did not mind me."
" Well, well," said he, " we all owe Heaven a teath.
Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example,
and a warning, look you, and repent of your mis-
[82]
THE SICK BERTH
teets.^ So saying, he pushed the seaman out of the
berth.
While he entertained us with reflections suitable to
this event, we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner,
and immediately the boy belonging to our mess ran
to the locker, from whence he carried off* a large
wooden platter, and in a few minutes returned with
it full of boiled peas, crying, " Scaldings," all the
way as he came. The cloth, consisting of a piece of
an old sail, was instantly laid, covered with three
plates, which, by the colour, I could with difficulty
discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same
composition, two of which were curtailed in the
handles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr.
Morgan himself enriched this mess with a lump of
salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and a
handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper.
I was not very much tempted with the appearance of
this dish, of which, nevertheless, my messmates ate
heartily, advising me to follow their example, as it
was banyan-day, and we could have no meat till next
noon. But I had already laid in sufficient for the
occasion; and therefore desired to be excused, ex-
pressing a curiosity to know the meaning of banyan-
day. They told me that on Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance of
meat, and that these meagre days were called banyan-
days, the reason of which they did not know ; but I
have since learned they take their denomination from
a sect of devotees in some part of the East Indies,
who never taste flesh.
After dinner, Thomson led me round the ship,
RODERICK RANDOM
showed me the different parts, described their uses,
and, as far as he could, made me acquainted with the
particulars of the discipline and economy practised on
board. He then demanded of the boatswain an ham-
mock for me, which was slung in a very neat manner
by my friend Jack Rattlin; and as I had no bed-
clothes, procured credit for me with the purser, for a
mattress and two blankets. At seven o'clock in the
evening, Morgan visited the sick, and having ordered
what was proper for each, I assisted Thomson in
making up his prescriptions; but when I followed him
with the medicines into the sick berth or hospital, and
observed the situations of the patients, I was much less
surprised that people should die on board, than that
any sick person should recover. Here I saw about
fifty miserable distempered wretches, suspended in
rows, so huddled one upon another, that not more
than fourteen inches space was allotted for each with
his bed and bedding; and deprived of the light of the
day, as well as of fresh air; breathing nothing but a
noi »me atmosphere of the morbid steams exhaling
from their own excrements and diseased bodies,
devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that sur-
rounded them, and destitute of every convenience
necessary for people in that helpless condition.
[54]
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
h DISAGBEEABLE ACCIDENT HAPPENS TO ME IN THE
DISCHARGE OF MY OFFICE MORGAN'S NOSE IS
OFFENDED A DIALOGUE BETWEEN HIM AND THE
SHIP'S STEWARD UPON EXAMINATION, I FIND MORE
CAUSES OF COMPLAINT THAN ONE MY HAIR IS CUT
OFF MORGAN'S COOKERY THE MANNER OF SLEEP-
ING ON BOARD 1 AM WAKED IN THE NIGHT BY A
DREADFUL NOISE.
I COULD not comprehend how it was possible
for the attendants to come near those who
hung on the inside towards the sides of the
ship, in order to assist them, as they seemed
bairicadoed by those who lay on the outside, and
entirely out of the reach of all visitation. Much less
could I conceive how my friend Thomson would be
able to administer clysters, that were ordered for
some in that situation; when I saw him thrust his
wig in his pocket, and strip himself to his waistcoat
in a moment, then creep on all four under the ham-
mocks of the sick, and, forcing up his bare pate
between two, keep them asunder with one shoulder,
until he had done his duty. Eager to learn the ser-
vice, I desired he would give me leave to perform the
next operation of that kind; and he consenting, I
undressed myself after his example, and crawling
along, the ship happened to roll; this motion alarm-
[65]
RODERICK RANDOM
ing me, I laid hold of the first thing that came within
my grasp, with such violence, that I overtiuned it,
and soon found by the smell that issued upon me, I
had not unlocked a box of the most delicious perfume:
it was well for me that my nose was none of the most
delicate, else I know not how I might have been
affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over
the ship, to the utter discomposxme of everybody who
tarried on the same deck: neither was the consequence
of this disgrace confined to my sense of smelling
only; for I felt my misfortunes more ways than one.
That I might not, however, appear altogether discon-
certed in this my first essay, I got up, and pushing my
head with great force between two hammocks, towards
the middle, where the greatest resistance was, I made
an opening indeed, but, not understanding the knack
of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my
advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck
up as it were in a pillory, and the weight of three or
four people bearing on each side of my neck, so that I
was in danger of strangulation. While I remained in
this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered
peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell
I had occasioned, and the rude shock he had received
from me in my elevation, that, with many bitter
reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked
so unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thomson,
perceiving my condition, ordered one of the waiters to
my assistance, who with much difficulty disengaged me
from this situation, and hindered me from taking ven-
geanceofthe sick man, whose indisposition would not
have screened him from the effects of my indignation.
[66]
A DISAGREEABLE ACCIDENT
After having made an end of our ministry for that
time, we descended to the cock-pit, my friend comfort-
ing me for what had happened with a homely proverb,
which I do not choose to repeat. When we had
descended half-way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan,
before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose of
the approach of something extraordinary, cried, " Cot
have mercy upon my senses ! I believe the enemy has
poarded us in a stink-pot!" Then directing his dis-
course to the steward, from whom he imagined the
odour proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for
the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, and
threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur,
if he ever should presume to offend his neighboure
with such smells for the future. The steward, con-
scious of his own innocence, replied, with some warmth,
" I know of no smells but those of your own making."
This repartee introduced a smart dialogue, in which
the Welshman undertook to prove, that though the
stench he complained of did not flow from the stew-
ard's own body, he was, nevertheless, the author of it,
by serving out damaged provisions to the ship's com-
pany; and in particular, putrefied cheese, from the
use of which only, he affirmed, such unsavory steams
could arise. Then he launched out into the praise
of good cheese, of which he gave the analysis: he
explained the different kinds of that commodity, with
the methods practised to make and preserve it; and
concluded with observing, that, in yielding good
cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with
Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the
produce of goats and putter. I gathered from this
[67]
RODERICK RANDOM
conversation, that, if I entered in my present pickle,
I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired
Mr. Thomson to go before, and represent my calam-
ity; at which the first mate expressing some concern,
went upon deck immediately, taking his way through
the cable-tier, and by the main hatchway, to avoid
encotmtering me, desiring me to clean myself as soon
as possible, for he intended to regale himself with a
dish of salmagundy and a pipe. Accordingly I set
about this disagreeable business, and soon found that
I had more causes of complaint than I at first imag-
ined; for I perceived some guests had honoured me
with their company, whose visit I did not at all think
seasonable; neither did they seem inclined to leave
me in a hurry, for they were in possession of my chief
quarters, where they fed without reserve at the
expense of my blood. — But considering it would be
much easier to extirpate this ferocious colony in the
infancy of their settlement, than after they should be
multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the
advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes,
went always close shaved, and made the boy of our
mess cut oflF my hair, which had been growing since I
left the service of Lavement; and the second mate
lent me an old bob wig, to supply the loss of that
covering. This affair being ended, and everything
adjusted in the best manner my circumstances would
permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and
ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from
the brine, cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal
quantity of onions, which seasoning with a mod-
erate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it
[58]
TURNING IN FOR THE NIGHT
into a consistence with oil and vinegar. Then tasting
the dish, assured us, it was the best salmagundy that
he had ever made, and recommended it to our palate
with such heartiness, that I could not help doing
honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner
swallowed a mouthful, than I thought my entrails
were scorched, and endeavoured, with a deluge of
small beer, to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper
being over, Mr. Morgan having smoked a couple of
pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended
with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a
certain yawning began to admonish me, that it was
high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered
from want of rest the preceding night; which being
perceived by my companions, whose time of repose
was now arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or,
in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which
hung parallel to one another on the outside of the
berth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld my
messmates spring with great agility into their respec-
tive nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very
much at their ease. But it was some time before I
could prevail upon myself to trust my carcass at such
a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of
which I imagined I should be apt, on the least motion
in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking
my bones. I suflered myself, however, to be persuaded,
and, taking a leap to get in, threw myself quite over
with such violence that, had I not luckily got hold of
Thomson's hammock, I should have pitched upon my
head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured
my skulL After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at
[59]
RODERICK RANDOM
last; but the apprehension of the jeopardy in which I
believed myself withstood all the attacks of sleep, till
towards the morning watch, when, in spite of my fears,
I was overpowered with slumber, though I did not
long enjoy this comfortable situation; "being aroused
with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the
drums of my ears were burst by it; this was followed
by a dreadful summons pronounced by a hoarse voice,
which I could not understand, "While I was debat-
ing with myself whether or not I should wake my
companion, and inquire into the occasion of this dis-
turbance, I was informed by one of the quarter-
masters, who passed by me with a lantern in his hand,
that the noise that alarmed me was occasioned by the
boatswain''s mates, who called up the larboard watch,
and that I must lay my account with such interrup-
tion every morning at the same hour. Being now
more assured of my safety, I addressed myself again to
rest, and slept till eight o''clock, when rising, and
breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit and brandy,
the sick were visited and assisted as before; after
which visitation my good fHend Thomson explained
and performed another piece of duty, to which I was
a stranger. At a certain hour in the morning, the
boy of the mess went round all the decks, ringing a
small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for the
occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair
before the mast, where one of the doctor''s mates
attended, with applications to dress them.
[60]
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
I ACQUIRE THE FRIENDSHIP OF THE SURGEON, WHO PRO-
CURES A WARRANT FOR ME, AND MAKES ME A
PRESENT OF CLOTHES A BATTLE BETWEEN A
MIDSHIPMAN AND ME THE SURGEON LEAVES
THE SHIP THE CAPTAIN COMES ON BOARD WITH
ANOTHER SURGEON A DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE
CAPTAIN AND MORGAN THE SICK ARE ORDERED
TO BE BROUGHT UPON THE QUARTER-DECK AND
EXAMINED THE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT ORDER
A MADMAN ACCUSES MORGAN, AND IS SET AT
LIBERTY BY COMMAND OF THE CAPTAIN, WHOM HE
INSTANTLY ATTACKS AND POMMELS WITHOUT MERCY.
WHILE I was busied with my friend in
this practice, the doctor chanced to
pass by the place where we were, and,
stopping to observe me, appeared very
well satisfied with my method of application; and
afterwards sent for me to his cabin, where, having
examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the
particulars of my fortune, he interested himself so
far in my behalf, as to promise his assistance in pro-
curing a warrant for me, seeing I had been already
found qualified at Surgeons' Hall for the station I
filled on board; and in this good office he the more
cordially engaged, when he understood I was nephew
to Lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a
[61]
RODERICK RANDOM
particular regard. In the meantime, I could learn
from his discourse, that he did not intend to go
to sea again with Captain Oakum, having, as he
thought, been indifferently used by him during the
last voyage.
While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of
preferment, I was not altogether without mortifica-
tions, which I not only suffered from the rude insults
of the sailors and petty officers, among whom I was
kno wn by the name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the
disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the
main, was often veiy troublesome with his pride,
which expected a good deal of submission from me,
and delighted in recapitulating the favours which I
had received at his hands.
About six weeks after my arrival on board, the
surgeon bidding me to follow him into his cabin,
presented a warrant to me, by which I was appointed
surgeon's third mate on board the Thunder. This
he had procured by his interest at the Navy Office;
as also another for himself, by virtue of which he was
removed into a second rate. I acknowledged his
kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude could
suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of
losing so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have
recommended myself still further by my respectful
and diligent behaviour. But his generosity did not
stop here; for, before he left the ship, he made me
a present of a chest and some" clothes, that enabled
me to support the rank to which he had raised me.
I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and,
now I was an officer, resolved to maintain the dig-
[62]
CRAMPLEY'S DEFEAT
nity of my station, against all opposition or affronts.
Nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my
resolution. My old enemy the midshipman, whose
name was Crampley, entertaining an implacable ani-
mosity against me for the disgrace he had suffered
on my account, had since that time taken all oppor-
tunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was
not entitled to retort this bad usage. And even
after I had been rated on the books and mustered
as surgeon''s mate, he did not think fit to restrain
his insolence. In particular, being one day present
while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he began to
sing a song, which I thought highly injurious to the
honour of my country, and therefore signified my re-
sentment, by observing, that the Scots always laid
their account with finding enemies among the igno-
rant, insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected
piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that
he lent me a blow on the face, which I verily thought
had demolished my cheekbone; I was not slow in
returning the obligation, and the affair began to be
very serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan and
one of the master's mates, coming that way, inter-
posed, and inquiring into the cause, endeavoured
to promote a reconciliation; but finding us both
exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against
accommodation, they advised us either to leave
our difference undecided till we should have an
opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentle-
men, or else choose a proper place on board, and bring
it to an issue by boxing. This last expedient was
greedily embrac^ by us both; and being forthwith
[63]
RODERICK RANDOM
conducted to the ground proposed, we stripped in a
moment, and began a very furious contest, in which
I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so
much in strength and agility, as in skill, which he
had acquired in the school of Hockley in the Hole
and Tottenham Court. Many cross-buttocks did I
sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number,
till at last my breath being quite gone, as well as my
vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all
my strength in one effort, threw in at once, head,
hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my
antagonist three paces backward into the main hatch-
way, down which he fell, and pitching upon his head
and right shoulder, remained without sense and mo-
tion. Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in
that condition, cried, " Upon my conscience, as I am
a Christian sinner, look you, I believe his patties are
all ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was
no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by
the chance of war." So saying, he descended to the
deck below, to examine into the situation of my ad-
versary; and left me very little pleased with my
victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised,
but likewise in danger of being called to account for
the death of Crampley. But this fear vanished when
my fellow-mate, having, by bleeding him in the jug-
ular, brought him to himself, and inquired into the
state of his body, called up to me to be under no
concern, for the midshipman had received no other
damage than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri as
one would desire to see on a summer's day. Upon
this information, I crawled down to the cock-pit, rad
[64]
MORGAN AND CAPTAIN OAKUM
acquainted Thomson with the affair, who, providing
himself with bandages, etc. necessary for the occasion,
went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the
dislocation. When this was successfully performed,
they wished me joy of the event of the combat; and
the Welshman, after observing that, in all likelihood,
the ancient Scots and Britons were the same people,
bade me " praise Cot for putting mettle in my pelly,
and strength in my limbs to support it." I acquired
such reputation by this rencontre (which lasted twenty
minutes), that everybody became more cautious in
behaviour towards me; though Crampley, with his
arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to
seize the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the
honour he had lost by an accident, from which I
could justly claim no merit.
About this time. Captain Oakum, having received
sailing orders, came on board, and brought along
with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon
made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the de-
parture of Doctor Atkins ; for he was grossly igno-
rant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and
unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an
abject sycophant to those above him. In the mom-
ing after the captain came on board, our first mate,
according to custom, went to wait on him with a sick
list, which when this grim commander had perused,
he cried with a stern countenance, " Blood and oons!
sixty-one sick people on board of my ship! Harkee,
you sir, I '11 have no sick in my ship, by G—d." The
Welshman replied, he should be very glad to find no
sick people on board; but while it was otherwise, he
VOL. II. — 6 [ 3
RODERICK RANDOM
did no more than his duty in presenting him with a
list. " You and your list may be d—d," said the
captain, throwing it at him; " I say, there shall be
no sick in this ship while I have the command of
her." Mr. Morgan being nettled at this treatment,
told him, his indignation ought to be directed to Cot
Almighty, who visited his people with distempers,
and not to him, who contributed all in his power
towards their cure. The bashaw not being used to
such behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to
fury at this satirical insinuation; and stamping with
his foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to
have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume
to utter another syllable. But the blood of Car-
actacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to be
restricted by such a command, and began to manifest
itself in, "Captain Oagum, I am a shentleman of
birth and parentage, look you, and peradventure I
am moreover " — Here his harangue was broke off by
the captaiffs steward, who, being Morgan's country-
man, hurried him out of the cabin before he had
time to exasperate his master to a greater degree:
and this would certainly have been the case; for the
indignant Welshman could hardly be hindered, by
his friend's arguments and entreaties, from re-enter-
ing the presence-chamber, and defying Captain
Oakum to his teeth. He was, however, appeased
at length, and came down to the berth, where, find-
ing Thomson and me at work preparing medicines,
he bade us leave off our labour and go to play, for
the captain, by his sole word, and power, and com-
mand, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil, and
[66]
HEALING THE SICK
I
tbere was no more malady on board. So sapng, he
drank off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously three
times, poured forth an ejaculation of " Cot pless my
heart, liver, and lungs!" and then began to sing a
Welsh song with great earnestness of visage, voice,
and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of
this singular phenomenon, and saw by the looks of
Thomson, who at the same time shook his head,
that he suspected poor Cadwallader''s brains were
unsettled.
He perceiving our amazement, told us he would
explain the mystery; but at the same time bade us
take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, mar-
ried man, and widower, almost forty years, and, in
all that time, there was no man nor mother's son in
the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain
Oagum had done. Then he acquainted us with the
didogue that passed between them, as I have already
related it; and had no sooner finished this narration,
than he received a message from the surgeon, to
bring the sick list to the quarter-deck, for the
captain had ordered all the patients thither to be
reviewed. This inhuman order shocked us extremely,
as we knew it would be impossible to carry some of
them on the deck, without imminent danger of their
lives; but, as we likewise knew it would be to no
purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired
to the quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordin-
ary muster; Morgan observing by the way, that the
captain was goingj^o send to the other world a great
many evidences to testify against himself. When we
appeared upon deck, the captain bade the doctor,
[67]
RODERICK RANDOM
who stood bowing at his right hand, look at thesb
lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for
nothing on board but to eat the king's provision,
and encourage idleness in the skulkers. The surgeon
grinned approbation, and taking the list, began to
examine the complaints of each, as they could crawl
to the place appointed. The first who came under
his cognizance was a poor fellow just freed of a fever,
which had weakened him so much, that he could
hardly stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doc-
tor's name) having felt his pulse, protested he was as
well as any man in the world; and the captain de-
livered him over to the boatswain's mate, with orders
that he should receive a roimd dozen at the gangway
immediately, for counterfeiting himself sick ; but be-
fore the discipline could be executed, the man dropped
down on the deck, and had well-nigh perished under
the hands of the executioner. The next patient to
be considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and
being then in his interval of health, discovered ho
other symptoms of distemper than a pale meagre
countenance, and emaciated body; upon which, he
was declared fit for duty, and tm-ned over to the
boatswain: but being resolved to disgrace the doc-
tor, died upon the forecaistle next day, during his
cold fit. The third complained of a pleuritic stitch,
and spitting of blood; for which Doctor Mackshane
prescribed exercise at the pump, to promote expec-
toration; but whether this was improper for one in
his situation, or that it was used to excess, I know
not; for in less than half an horn* he was suffocated
with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs
[68]
HEALING THE SICK
.V fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-
deck, being loaded with a monstrous ascites or dropsy,
that invaded his chest so much, he could scarce
fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted
into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating,
he was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration,
and enlarge his chest, to go aloft immediately: it
was in vain for this unwieldy wretch to allege
his utter incapacity; the boatswain's driver was
commanded to whip him up with a cat-o'-nine-tails;
the smart of this application made him exert himself
so much, that he actually arrived at the puttock
shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his
body had nothing else to support it than his weak-
ened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted
his hold, and plumped into the sea, where he must
have been drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a
boat alongside, saved his life, by keeping him afloat
till he was hoisted on board by a tackle.
I It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the
.ate of every miserable object that suffered by the
inhumanity, and ignorance of the captain and surgeon,
who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their fellow-
creatures. Many were brought up in the height of
fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they
received in the way. Some gave up the ghost in the
presence of their inspectors ; and others, who were
ordered to their duty, languished a few days at
work among their fellows, and then departed without
any ceremony. On the whole, the number of the
sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the
authors of this reduction were applauding themselves
[69]
RODERICK RANDOM
for the services they had done to their king and
country, when the boatswain's mate informed his
honour, that there was a man below lashed to his
hammock by the direction of the doctor's mate, and
that he begged hard to be released; affirming, he
had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Mor-
gan bore him, and that he was as much in his senses
as any man aboard. The captain hearing this, darted
a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered the man
to be brought up immediately ; upon which Morgan
protested with great fervency, that the person in
question was as mad as a March-hare; and begged
for the love of Cot, they would at least keep his arms
pinioned during his examination, to prevent him
from doing mischief. This request the commander
granted for his own sake, and the patient was
produced, who insisted upon his being in his right
wits with such calmness and strength of argument,
that everybody present was inclined to believe him,
except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting
to appearances; for he himself had been so much
imposed upon by his behaviour two days before, that
he had actually unbound him with his own hands,
and had well-nigh been murdered for his pains.
This was confirmed by the evidence of one of the
waiters, who declared he had pulled this patient
from the doctor's mate, whom he had gotten down
and almost strangled. To this the man answered,
that the witness was a creature of Morgan's, and was
suborned to give his testimony against him by the
malice of the mate, whom the defendant had af-
fronted, by discovering to the people on board that
L70}
RELEASE OF A MADMAN
Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop in Rag-Fair.
This anecdote produced a laugh at the expense of the
Welshman, who, shaking his head with some emo-
tion, said," Ay, ay, 't is no matter. Cot knows, it is
an arrant falsehood." Captain Oakum, without any
further hesitation, ordered the fellow to he unfet-
tered; at the same time, threatening to make Mor-
gan exchange situations with him for his spite. But
the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favor of
the madman, than he got up the mizen shrouds,
crying to Thomson and me to get out of his reach,
for we would see him play the devil with a vengeance.
We did not think fit to disregard his caution, and
accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld
the maniac, as soon as he was released, fly at the cap-
tain, like a fury, crying, "I'll let you know, you
scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel," and
pommel him without mercy. The surgeon, who
went to the assistance of his patron, shared the same
fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty that he
was mastered at last, after having done great execu-
tion among those who opposed him.
[71]
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
THE CAPTAIN ENRAGED, THREATENS TO POT THE MAD-
MAN TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN HAND IS DIVERTED
FROM THAT RESOLUTION BY THE ARGUMENTS AND
PERSUASIONS OF THE FIRST LIEUTENANT AND SUR-
GEON WE SET SAIL FOR ST. HEIJEN'S, JOIN THE
FLEET UNDER THE COMMAND OF SIR C N R
O LE, AND PROCEED FOR THE WEST INDIES
ARE OVERTAKEN BY A TERRIBLE TEMPEST MY
FRIEND JACK RATTLIN HAS HIS LEG BROKE BY A
FALL FROM THE MAINYARD THE BEHAVIOUR OF
DR. MACKSHANE JACK OPPOSES THE AMPUTATION
OF HIS LIMB, IN WHICH HE IS SECONDED BY MORGAN
AND ME, WHO UNDERTAKE THE CURE, AND PERFORM
IT SUCCESSFULLY.
The captain was carried into his cabin,
so enraged with the treatment he had
received, that he ordered the fellow to
be brought before him, that he might
have the pleasure of pistolling him with his own
hand; and would certainly have satisfied his revenge
in this manner, had not the first lieutenant remon-
strated against it, by observing, that, in all appear-
ance, the fellow was not mad but desperate; that
he had been hired by some enemy of the captain to
assassinate him, and therefore ought to be kept in
irons till he could be brought to a court-martial,
which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom,
(72]
BOUND FOR THE WEST INDIES
by which means important discoveries might be made,
and then sentence the criminal to a death adequate
to his demerits. This suggestion, improbable as ii
was, had the desired effect upon the captain, being
exactly calculated for the meridian of his intellects;
more especially as Doctor Mackshane espoused this
opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration
that the man was not mad. Morgan finding there
was no more damage done, could not help discover-
ing by his countenance, the pleasure he enjoyed on
this occasion; and while he bathed the doctor's face
with an embrocation, ventured to ask him, whether
he thought there were more fools or madmen on
board ? But he would have been wiser in contain-
ing this sally, which his patient carefully laid up in
his memory, to be taken notice of at a more fit
season. Meanwhile, we weighed anchor, and on our
way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as
a prisoner, took an opportunity, while the sentinel
attended him at the head, to leap overboard, and
frustrate the revenge of the captain. We stayed
not long at the Downs, but took the benefit of the
first easterly wind to go round to Spithead; where
having received on board provisions for six months,
we sailed from St. Helen's in the grand fleet bound
for the West Indies, on the ever-memorable expedi-
tion of Carthagena,
It was not without great mortification I saw myself
on the point of being transported to such a distant
and unhealthy-chniate. destitute of every conveniehce
that could render such a voyage supportable; and
under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose
[73J
RODERICK RANDOM
command was almost intolerable. However, as these
complaints were common to a great many on board,
I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and con-
trive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case
would allow. We got out of the Channel with a
prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us be-
calmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the
Lizard. But this state of inaction did not last long;
for next night our mainPtop~toil. was split by the
wind, which in the morning increased to a hurricane.
I was wakened by a most horrible din, occasioned
by the play of the gun carriages upon the deck above,
the cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind
through the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship^s
crew, the pipes of the boatswain and his mates, the
trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the
chain pumps. Morgan, who had never been at sea
before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, " Cot
have mercy and compassion upon us ! I believe we
have got upon the confines of Lucifer and the
d—d!" while poor Thomson lay quaking in his
hammock, putting up petitions to Heaven for our
safety. I rose and joined the Welshman, with whom
(after having fortified ourselves with brandy) I went
above; but, if my sense of hearing was startled
before, how must my sight have been appalled in
beholding the effects of the storm ! The sea was
swelled into billows mountain high, on the top of
which, our ship sometimes hung sis if it was about
to be precipitated to the abyss below ! Sometimes
we sunk between two waves that rose on each side
higher~tKaff~Om' topmast head, and threatened, by
DOCTOR MACKSHANE'S BEHAVIOUR
dashing together, to overwhelm us in a moment [
Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred jind fifty
sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under
their bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At
length the mast of one of them gave way, and
tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was
the prospect in our own ship much more agreeable; a
number of officers and sailors ran backward and for-
ward with distraction in their looks, hallooing to one
another, and undetermined what they should attend
to first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to
unbend the sails that were split into a thousand
pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to furl
those which were yet whole, while the masts, at
every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they
would have shivered into innumerable splinters!
While I considered this scene with equal terror and
astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the
shock whereof two sailors were flung from the yard's
arm into the sea, where they perished, and poor Jack
Rattlin was thrown down upon the deck, at the
expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran imme-
diately to his assistance, and found a splinter of the
shin-bone thrust by the violence of the fall through
the skin. As this was a case of too great conse-
quence to be treated without the authority of the
doctor, I went down to his cabin to inform him of
the accident, as well as to bring up dressings, which
we always kept ready prepared. I entered his apart-
ment without any ceremony, and by the glimmering
of a lamp, perceived him on his knees, before some-
thing that very much resembled a crucifix.; but this
- [75J
RODERICK RANDOM
I will not insist upon, that I may not seem too much
a slave to common report, which indeed assisted my
conjecture on this occasion, by representing Doctor
Mackshane as a member of the Church of Rome.
Be this as it will, he got up in a sort of confusion,
occasioned, I suppose, by his being disturbed in his
devotion, and, in a trice, snatched the subject of my
suspicion from my sight.
After making an apology for my intrusion, I
acquainted him with the situation of Rattlin, but
could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on
deck, where he lay. He bade me desire the boat-
swain to order some of the men to carry him down to
the cock-pit, and in the meantime, said he, I will
direct Thomson to get ready the dressings. When I
signified to the boatswain the doctor's desire, he
swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one
man from the deck, because he expected the mast
would go by the board every minute. This piece of
information did not at all contribute to my peace of
mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained
very much, with the assistance of Morgan, I sup-
ported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Msu:k-
shane, after much entreaty, ventm^d to come,
attended by Thomson, with a box full of dressings,
and his own servant, who carried a whole set of capi-
tal instruments. He examined the fracture and the
wound, and concluding, from a livid colour extending
itself upon the limb, that a mortification would en-
sue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately. This
was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruit-
ing himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced, with
[76]
JACK KATTLIN'S LEG SAVED
a woeful countenance, " What! is there no remedy,
doctor? — must I be dock'd ? — can't you splice it ? "
" Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane," said the first mate,
" with submission, and deference, and veneration, to
your superior abilities, and opportunities, and sta-
tions, look you, I do apprehend, and conjecture, and
aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite
off this poor man's leg." " God Almighty bless you,
dear Welshman!" cried Rattlin, " may you have fair
wind and weather wheresoever you 're bound, and
come to an anchor in the Road of Heaven at last."
Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate's differing
in opinion from him so openly, answered, that he
was not bound to give an account of his practice ■ to
him; and, in a peremptory tone, ordered him to
apply the tourniquet; at the sight of which. Jack,
starting up, cried, " Avast, avast! d—n my heart, if
you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore!
Mr. Random, won't you lend a hand towards saving
my precious limb ? Odds heart, if Lieutenant Bowl-
ing was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin's leg
to be chopped off like a piece of old junk." This
pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to
serve my honest friend, and the reasons I had to be-
lieve there was no danger in delaying the amputation,
induced me to declare myself of the first mate's
opinion, and affirm, that the preternatural colour of
the skin was owing to an inflammation occasioned by
a contusion, and common in all such cases, without
any indication of an approaching gangrene. Morgan,
who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly ex-
ulted in my fellowship, and asked Thomson's senti-
[77]
RODERICK RANDOM
ments of the matter, in hopes of strengthening our
association with him too ; but he, being of a meek dis-
position, and either dreading the enmity of the sur-
geon, or speaking the dictates of his own judgment,
in a modest manner, espoused the opinion of Mack-
shane, who, by this time, having consulted with him-
self, determined to act in such a manner as to screen
himself from censure, and at the same time revenge
himself on us for our arrogance in contradicting
him. With this view he asked if we would undertake
to cure the leg at ovu- peril — that is, be answerable
for the consequence. To this question Morgan re-
plied, that the lives of his creatures are in the hands
of Cot alone; and it would be great presumption in
him to undertake for an event that was in the power
of his Maker,, no more than the doctor could promise
to cure all the sick to whom he administered his
assistance ; but if the patient would put himself
under our direction, we would do our endeavour to
bring his distemper to a favourable issue, to which,
at present, we saw no obstruction. I signified my
concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed, that,
shaking us both by the hands, he swore nobody else
should touch him, and if he died, his blood should be
upon his own head. Mr. Mackshane, flattering him-
self with the prospect of our miscarriage, went away,
and left us to manage it as we should think proper.
Accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter
that stuck through the skin, we reduced the fracture,
dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed ban-
dage, and put the leg in a box, secundum artem.
Everything succeeded according to our wish, and we
[78]
JACK RATTLIN'S LEG SAVED
had the satisfaction of not only preserving the poor
fellow''s leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor con-
temptible among the ship^s company, who had all
their eyes on us during the course of this cure, which
was completed in six weeks.
[79)
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
MACKSHANE''S MALICE I AM TAKEN UP AND IMPKISONED
FOR A SPY MORGAN MEETS WITH THE SAME FATE
THOMSON IS TAMPERED WITH TO TURN EVIDENCE
AGAINST US DISDAINS THE PROPOSAL, AND IS
MALTREATED FOR HIS INTEGRITY MORGAN IS RE-
LEASED TO ASSIST THE SURGEON DURING AN ENGAGE-
MENT WITH SOME FRENCH SHIPS OF WAR 1
REMAIN FETTERED ON THE POOP, EXPOSED TO THE
ENEMY'S SHOT, AND GROW DELIRIOUS WITH FEAR
AM COMFORTED AFTER THE BATTLE BY MORGAN,
WHO SPEAKS FREELY OF THE CAPTAIN ; IS OVER-
HEARD BY THE SENTINEL, WHO INFORMS AGAINST
HIM, AND AGAIN IMPRISONED THOMSON GROWS
DESPERATE, AND, NOTWITHSTANDING THE REMON-
STRANCES OF MORGAN AND ME, GOES OVERBOARD IN
THE NIGHT.
IN the meantime, the storm subsided into a
brisk gale, that carried us into the warm lati-
tudes, where the weather became intolerable,
and the crew very sickly. The doctor left
nothing unattempted towards the completion of his
vengeance against the Welshman and me. He went
among the sick, under pretence of inquiring into their
grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to
our prejudice; but finding himself frustrated in that
expectation, by the good will we had procured from
the patients by our diligence and humanity, he took
[80]
PUT IN IRONS
the resolution of listening to our conversation, by
hiding himself behind the canvas that surrounded
our berth. Here, too, he was detected by the boy
of our mess, who acquainted us with this piece of
behaviour; and one night, while we were picking a
large bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something
stir on the outside of our hangings, which immedi-
ately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipt me the
wink, and pointed to the place, where I could per-
ceive somebody standing; upon which I snatched up
the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him,
saying, " Whoever you are, take that for your curi-
osity." It had the desired effect, for we heard the
listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his
own cabin. I applauded myself much for this feat,
which turned out one of the most unlucky exploits
of my life, Mackshane from that time marking me
out for destruction. About a week after this ex-
ploit, as I was going my rounds among the sick, I
was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the
master-at-arms, where I was loaded with irons, and
stapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a spy on
board, and had conspired against the captain's life.
How ridiculous soever this imputation was, I did not
fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shown
to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this
miserable condition to the scorching heat of the sun
by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, dur-
ing the space of twelve days, in which I was neither
brought to trial, nor examined touching the proba-
bility of the charge.
I had no sooner recovered the use of my reflection,
VOL. II. — 6 [81]
RODERICK RANDOM
which had been quite overthrown by this accident,
than I sent for Thomson, who, after condoling me on
the occasion, hinted, that I owed this misfortune to
the hatred of the doctor, who had given an informa-
tion against me to the captain, in consequence of
which I was arrested, and all my papers seized.
While I was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Mor-
gan ascend the poop, guarded by two corporals, who
made him sit down by me, that he might be pinioned
in the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation,
I could scarce refrain from laughing at the counten-
ance of my fellow-prisoner, who, without speaking
one word, allowed his feet to be enclosed in the rings
provided for that ptirpose; but when they pretended
to fasten him on his back, he grew outrageous, and
drawing a large couteau from his side-pocket, threat-
ened to rip up the belly of the first man that should
approach him, in order to treat him in such an
unworthy manner. They were preparing to use him
very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter-
deck called up to them to let him remain as he was.
He then crept towards me, and taking me by the
hand, bade me " put my trust in Cot;" and looking
at Thomson, who sat by us trembling, with a pale
visage, told him, there were two more rings for his
feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good
company. But it was not the intention of our adver-
Saiy to include the second mate in our fate; him he
excepted, to be his drudge in attending the sick, and,
if possible, his evidence against us. With this view,
he sounded him afar off, but finding his integrity
incorruptible, harassed him so much out of spite, that,
[82]
A NAVAL ENGAGEMENT
SI a short time, this mild creature grew weary of his
life.
While I and my fellow-prisoner comforted each
other in our tribulation, the admiral discovered four
sail to leeward, and made signal for our ship and
four more to chase : hereupon everything was cleared
for an engagement; and Mackshane foreseeing he
should have occasion for more assistants than one,
obtained Morgan's liberty; while I was left in this
deplorable posture to the chance of battle. It was
almost dark when we came up with the stemmost
chase, which we hailed, and inquired who they were:
they gave us to understand they were French men-of-
war; upon which Captain Oakum commanded them
to send their boat on board of him ; but they refused,
telling him, if he had any business with them, to come
on board of their ship : he then threatened to pour
in a broadside upon them, which they promised to
return. Both sides were as good as their word; and
the engagement began with great fury. The reader
may guess how I passed my time lying in this help-
less situation, .amidst the terrors of a sea-fight;
expecting every moment to be cut asunder, or dashed
in pieces by the enemy's shot! I endeavoured to
compose myself as much as possible, by reflecting that
I was not a whit more exposed than those who were
stationed about me; but when I beheld them employed
without intermission in annoying the foe, and encour-
aged by the society and behaviour of one another, I
could easily perceive a wide diflFerence between their
condition and mine: however, I concealed my agita-
tion as well as I could, till the head of the officer of
[83]
RODERICK RANDOM
the marines, who stood near me, being shot ofl^
bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me
well-nigh blinded with brains. I could contain my-
self no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength
of my lungs: when a drummer coming towards
me, asked if I was wounded.^ and before I could
answer, received a great shot in his belly, which tore
out his entrails, and he fell flat on my breast
This accident entirely bereft me of all discretion: I
redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise
of the battle; and finding myself disregarded, lost all
patience, and became frantic: I vented my rage in
oaths and execrations, till my spirits being quite
exhausted, I remained quiet and insensible of the load
that oppressed me.
The engagement lasted till broad day, when Cap-
tain Oakum, finding that he was like to gain neither
honour nor advantage by the aflair, pretended to be
undeceived by seeing their colours; and hailing the
ship with whom he had fought all night, protested he
believed them Spaniards, and the guns being silenced
on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and
went on board the French commodore. Our loss
amounted to ten killed, and eighteen wounded, most
part of whom afterwards died. My fellow-mates had
no sooner despatched their business in the cock-pit,
than, full of friendly concern, they came to visit me.
Morgan ascending first, and seeing my face almost
covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no
longer a man for this world; and calling to Thomson
with great emotion, bade him come up, and take his
last farewell of his comrade and countryman, who
[84]
THOMSON'S FATE
was posting to a petter place, where there were no
Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment
him.
" No," said he, taking me by the hand, " you are
going to a country where there is more respect shown
to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have
the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing
upon pillows of puming primstone." Thomson,
alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place
where I lay, and sitting down by me, with tears in his
eyes, inquired into the nature of my calamity. By this
time I had recollected myself so far, as to be able to
converse rationally with my friends, whom, to their
great satisfaction, I immediately undeceived with
regard to their apprehension of my being mortally
wounded.
After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage
in which I wallowed, and partaken of a refreshment
which my friends brought tdong with them, we entered
into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and
spoke very freely of the authors of our misery: but
our discourse being overheard by the sentinel who
guarded me, he was no sooner relieved, than he re-
ported to the captain every syllable of our conversa-
tion, according to the orders he received. The effect
of this information soon appeared in the arrival of the
master-at-arms, who replaced Morgan in his former
station; and gave the second mate a caution to keep
a strict guard over his tongue, if he did not choose to
accompany us in our confinement. Thomson, fore-
seeing that the whole slavery of attending the sick
and wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane,
[85]
RODERICK RANDOM
must now fall upon his shoulders, grew desperate at
the prospect, and, though I never heard him swear
before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of his
oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit life
altogether, than be much longer under the power of
such beurbarians. I was not a little startled at his
vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his complaints,
by representing the subject of my own, with as much
aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he
might see the balance of misfortune lay on my side,
and take an example from me of fortitude and sub-
mission, till such time as we could procure redress,
which, I hoped, was not far off, considering, that we
should probably be in a harbour in less than three
days, where we should have an opportunity of pre-
ferring our complaints to the admiraL The Welsh-
man joined in my remonstrance, and was at great
pains to demonstrate, that it was every man's duty,
as well as interest, to resign himself to the divine will,
and look upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who
is by no means at liberty to leave his post before he
is relieved. Thomson listened attentively to what we
said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his
head, and left us without making any reply. About
eleven at night he came to see us again, with a settled
gloom on his countenance, and gave us to understand,
that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw us,
and in recompense had been grossly abused by the
doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with
us, in a design of taking away his life, and that of the
captain. After some time spent in mutual exhorta-
tion, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand, with
[86]
THOMSON'S FATE
an uncommon fervour, cried, " God bless you both;"
and left us to wonder at his singular manner of parting
with us, which did not fail to make a deep impression
on us.
Next morning, when the hour of visitation came
round, this unhappy young man was missing, and,
after strict search, supposed to have gone overboard
in the night; and this was certainly the case.
[87J
CHAPTER THIRTY
WE LAMENT THE FATE OF CUB COMPANION THE CAP-
TAIN OFFERS MORGAN HIS LIBERTY, WHICH HE RE-
FUSES TO ACCEPT WE ARE BROUGHT BEFORE HIM,
AND EXAMINED MORGAN IS SENT BACK INTO CUS-
TODY, WHITHER ALSO I AM REMANDED, AFTER A
CURIOUS TRIAL.
The news of this event affected my fellow-
prisoner and me extremely, as our unfor-
tunate companion had justly acquired, by
his amiable disposition, the love and
esteem of us both; and the more we regi-etted his
untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for
the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it.
This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least
symptom of concern for Thomson's death, although
he must have been conscious to himself of having
driven him by ill usage to that fatal resolution; hut
desired the captain to set Morgan at liberty again, to
look after the patients. Accordingly, one of the
corporals was sent up to unfetter him ; but he pro-
tested he would not be released until he should know
for what he was confined ; nor would he be a tennis-
ball, nor a shuttle-cock, nor a drudge, nor a scullion,
to any captain under the sun. Oakum, finding him
obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to
exercise his tyranny much longer with impunity, was
[8S]
JUDICIAL PROCEEDINGS
willing to show some appearance of justice, and there-
fore ordered us both to be brought before him on the
quarter-deck, where he sat in stete, with his clerk on
one side, and his counsellor Mackshane on the other.
When we approached, he honoured us with this
salutation ; " So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many
a captain in the navy would have ordered you both
to be tucked up to the yard's arm, without either
judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty
of; but, d—n my blood! I have too much good-
nature, in allowing such dogs as you to make your
defence." " Captain Oakum," said my fellow-sufferer,
" certainly it is in your power (Cot help the while) to
tuck us all up at your will, and desire, and pleasures.
And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be
tucked up, than undergo the miseries to which we
have been exposed. So may the farmer hang his
kids for his diversion, and amusement, and mirth;
but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon
earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with fire
and primstone all those who take away the lives of
innocent people out of wantonness and parparity,
look you. In the meantime, I shall be glad to know
the crimes laid to my charge, and see the person who
accuses me." " That you shall," said the captain;
" here, doctor, what have you to say ? " Mackshane
stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in order
to clear his throat, and, before he began, Morgan
accosted him thus: "Doctor Mackshane, look in
my face—look in the face of an honest man, who
abhors a false witness as he abhors the tevil, and Cot
be judge between you and me." The doctor, not
[89]
RODERICK RANDOM
minding this conjuration, made the following speecH
as near as I can remember; " I '11 tell you what, Mr
Morgan, to be sure what you say is just, in regard to
an honest man, and if so be it appears as how you
are an honest man, then it is my opinion that you
deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there
affair; for I tell you what. Captain Oakum is resolved
for to do everybody justice. As for my own part, all
that I have to allege is, that I have been informed
you have spoken disrespectful words against your
captain, who, to be sure, is the most honourable and
generous commander in the king's service, without
disparagement or exception of man, woman, or child."
Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he
seemed to plume himself, Morgan replied, "I do.
partly guess, and conceive, and imderstand your
meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but,
however, I do suppose I am not to be condemned
upon bare hearsay; or if I am convicted of speaking
disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope there is no
treason in my words." " But there's mutiny, by
G—d, and that's death by the articles of war," cried
Oakum. "In the meantime, let the witnesses be
called." Hereupon Mackshane's servant appeared,
and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced
and tutored for the purpose. The first declared that
Morgan, as he descended the cock-pit ladder one day,
cursed the captain, and called him a savage beast,
saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to
mankind. " This," said the clerk, " is a strong pre-
sumption of a design formed against the captain's
life. . For why ? It presupposes malice aforethought,
[90]
MORGAN'S DEFENCE
and a criminal intention a priori.'^ *' Right," said
the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an
attorney's boy, " you shall have law enough; here's
Cook and Littlejohn for it."
This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who
affirmed, he heard the first mate say that the captain
had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had
no more brains than an ass. Then the sentinel, who
heard our discourse on the poop, was examined, and
informed the court that the Welshman assured me.
Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane would toss
upon billows of burning brimstone in hell for their
barbarity. The clerk observed, that there was an
evident prejudication, which confirmed the former
suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of Captain
Oakum; for, because, how could Morgan so posi-
tively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would
he d—d, unless he had an intention to make away
with them before they could have time to repent ?
This sage explanation had great weight with our
noble commander, who exclaimed, "Whathave you
to say to this, Taffyyou seem to be taken all aback,
brother, ha!" Morgan was too much of a gentle-
man to disown the text, although he absolutely
denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the
captain, strutting up to him, with a ferocious coun-
tenance, said, " So, Mr. Son of a b—^h, you confess
you honoured me with the names of bear and beast,
and pronounced my d—tion ? D—^n my heart! I
have a good mind to have you brought to a court-
martial, and hanged, you dog." Here, Mackshane,
having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and
[91]
RODERICK RANDOM
begged the captain to pardon Mr. Morgan, with his
wonted goodness, upon condition that he, the dehn-
quent, should make such submission as the nature of
the misdemeanour demanded.
Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occa-
sion would have made no submission to the Great
Mogul, surrounded with his guards, thanked the
doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged himself
in the wrong for calling the image of God a peast.
" But," said he, " I spoke by metaphor, and parable,
and (XHnparison, and types; as we signify meekness
by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox,
so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a
bear, and fury to a tiger; therefore I made use of
these similes to express my sentiments, look you, and
what I said before Cot, I will not unsay before man
or peast neither." Oakum was so provoked at this
insolence, as he termed it, that he ordered him forth-
with to be carried to the place of his confinement,
and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me.
The first question put to me was touching the place
of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of
Scotland. " The north of Ireland, more like," cried
the captain; " but we shall bring you up presently."
He then asked what religion I professed; and when
I answered, " The Protestant," swore I was as arrant
a Roman as ever went to mass. " Come, come, clerk,"
continued he," catechise him a little on this subject."
But before I relate the particulars of the clerk's in-
quiries, it will not be amiss to inform the reader that
our commander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not
shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to boot. You
[92]
RODERICK TRIED FOR CONSPIRACY
say you are a Protestant," said the clerk; "make
the sign of the cross with your fingers — so; and
swear upon it to that affirmation." When I was
ahout to perform this ceremony, the captain cried,
with some emotion, " No, no, d—me ! I '11 have no
profanation, neither. But go on with your interro-
gations." "Well, then," proceeded my examine^^
"how many sacraments are there?" To which L
replied, "Two." "What are they?" said he. I
answered, " Baptism and the Lord's Supper." " And
so you would explode Confirmation and Marriage
altogether ? " said Oakum; " I thought this fellow
was a rank Roman." The clerk, though he was bred
under an attorney, could not refrain from blushing
at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by
observing, that these decoys would not do with me,
who seemed to be an old offender. He went on with
asking, if I believed in transubstantiation; but
I treated the notion of a real presence with such
disrespect, that his patron was scandalised at my
impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot.
Whereupon this miserable pettifogger told me, there
was great reason to suspect me of being a spy on
board; and that I had entered into a conspiracy
with Thomson, and others not yet detected, against
the life of Captain Oakum; which accusation they
pretended to support by the evidence of our boy,
who declared, he had often heard the deceased
Thomson and me whispering together, and could
distinguish the words, " Oakum, rascal, poison,
pistol." By which expressions it appeared we did
intend to use sinister means to accomplish his
[93]
RODERICK RANDOM
destruction; that the death of Thomson seemed to
confirm this conjecture; who, either feeling the
stings of remorse, for being engaged in such a hor-
rid confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he
must have infallibly suffered an ignominious death,
had put a fatal period to his own existence. But
what established the truth of the whole was a book
in ciphers, found among my papers, which exactly
tallied with one found in his chest, after his disap<
pearance. This, he observed, was a presumption
very near proof positive, and would determine any
jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In my own
defence, I alleged that I had been dragged on board
at first very much against my inclination, €is I could
prove by the evidence of some people now in the
ship, consequently could have no design of becoming
spy at that time; and ever since had been entirely out
of the reach of any correspondence that could justly
entail that suspicion upon me. As for conspiring
against my captain's life, it could not be supposed
that any man in his right wits would harbour the
least thought of such an undertaking, which he could
not possibly perform without certain infamy and ruin
to himself, even if he heid all the inclination in the
world. That, allowing the boy's evidence to be true
(which I affirmed was false and madicious), nothing
conclusive could be gathered from a few incoherent
words. Neither was the fate of Mr. Thomson a
circumstance more favoui-able for the charge; for I
had in my pocket a letter which too well explained
that mystery, in a very different manner from that
which was supposed. With these words I produced
[94]
AN EXAMINATION IN GREEK
the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought to
me the very day after Thomson disappeared; and
told me it was committed to his care by the deceased,
who made him promise not to deliver it sooner. The
clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the con-
tents, which were these:
" Dear Friend, — I am so much oppressed with the
fatigue I daily and nightly undergo, and the barbarous
usage of Doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your de-
struction, as well as mine, that I am resolved to free my-
self from this miserable life, and before you receive this,
shall be no more. I could have wished to die in your
good opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the
last act of my life; but if you cannot acquit me, I know
you will at least preserve some regard for the memory
of an unfortunate young man who loved you. I recom-
mend it to you to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge
is implacable. I wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Mor-
gan, to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg to be
remembered as your unhappy friend and countryman,
" WnxiAM Thomson "
This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane,
in a transport of rage, snatched it out of the clerk's
hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces, saying, it
was a villanous forgery, contrived and executed by
myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves
of the same opinion, although I insisted on having
the remains of it compared with other writings of
Thomson, which they had in their possession; and I
was ordered to answer the last article of my accusa-
tion, namely, the book of ciphers found among my
[96]
RODERICK RANDOM
papers. " That is easily done," said I; " what you
are pleased to call ciphers, are no other than
the Greek characters, in which, for my amusement,
I kept a diary of everything remarkable that has
occurred to my observation, since the beginning of
the voyage tiU the day on which I was put in irons ;
and the same method was practised by Mr. Thom-
son, who copied mine." "A very likely story!"
cried Mackshane; "what occasion was there for
using Greek characters, if you were not ahraid of
discovering what you had wrote ? But what d' ye talk
of Greek characters ? D' ye think I am so ignorant
of the Greek language, as not to distinguish its
letters from these, which are no more Greek than
Chinese ? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge
of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from
your country." So saying, with an unparalleled
effrontery, he repeated some gibberish, which by
the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for
Greek with the captain, who, looking at me with a
contemptuous sneer, exclaimed, " Ah I ah I have you
caught a tartar .f " I could not help smiling at the
consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and offered
to refer the dispute to anybody on board who under-
stood the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan was
brought back, and being made acquainted with the
affair, took the book and read a whole page in Eng-
hsh without hesitation, deciding the controversy in
my favour. The doctor was so far from being out
of countenance at this detection, that he afBrmed
Morgan was in the secret, and repeated from his own
invention. Oakum said," Ay, ay, I see they are both
[96]
AN EXAMINATION IN GREEK
in a story;" and dismissed my fellow-mate to his cock-
loft, although I proposed that he and I should read
and translate separately, any chapter or verse in the
Greek Testament in his possession, by which it would
appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not
being endued with eloquence enough to convince
the captain that there could be no juggle nor con-
federacy in this expedient, I begged to be examined
by some unconcerned person on board, who under-
stood Greek.
Accordingly the whole ship^s company, officers and
all, were called upon deck, among whom it was pro-
claimed, that if any of them could speak Greek, he
or they so qualified should ascend the quarter-deck
immediately. After some pause, two fore-mast men
came up, and professed their skill in that language,
which, they said, they acquired during several voyages
to the Levant, among the Greeks of the Morea.
The captain exulted much in this declaration, and
put my journal-book into the hands of one of them,
who candidly owned he could neither read nor write:
the other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance,
but pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any
man on board; and addressing himself to me, pro-
nounced some sentences of a barbarous corrupted
language, which I did not understand. I asserted,
that the modem Greek was as different from that
spoke and written by the ancients, as the English
used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time of
Hengist; and as I had only learned the true original
tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the Evangelists,
and other great men of antiquity wrote, it could not
VOL. II. — 7 [ 97 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
be supposed that I should know anything of an
imperf^ Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of
the former, and scarce retained any traces of the old
expression. But if Doctor Mackshane, who pre-
tended to be master of the Greek language, could
maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would
retract what I had said, and be content to suffer any
punishment he should think proper to inflict. I had
no sooner uttered these words, than the surgeon,
knowing one of these fellows to be his countryman,
accosted him in Irish, and was answered in the same
brogue; then a dialogue ensued between them,
which they affirmed to be in Greek, after having
secured the secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue
in the language of the Morea from his companion,
before they could venture to fissert such an intrepid
^Isehoodi " I thought," said Oakum, " we should
discover the imposture at last. Let the rascal be
carried back to his confinement. I find he must
dangle." Having nothing further to urge in my
own behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite,
and fortified with ignorance against truth, I suffered
myself to be reconducted peaceably to my fellow-
prisoner, who, hearing the particulars of my trial,
lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, and uttered
a dreadful groan; and not daring to disburden his
thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be over-
heard by the sentinel, burst forth into a Welsh song,
which he accompanied with a thousand contortions
of face, and violent gestures of body.
[98]
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
I DISCOVER A SUBORNATION AGAINST ME, BY MEANS OF
A OUARREL BETWEEN TWO OF THE EVIDENCES;
IN CONSEQUENCE OF WHICH I AM SET AT LIBERTY,
AND PREVAIL UPON MORGAN TO ACCEPT OF HIS
FREEDOM ON THE SAME TERMS MACKSHANE^S
MALICE WE ARRIVE AT JAMAICA, FROM WHENCE,
IN A SHORT TIME. WE -BEAT UP TO HISPA^OLA.
IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE WEST INDIA SQUADRON
WE TAKE IN WATER, SAIL AGAIN, AND ARRIVE
AT CARTHAGENA BEFT.ECTTnWS ON OUR CONDUCT
THERE.
Meanwhile, a quan-el happened
between the two modem Greeks; the
one, to be revenged of the other, came
and discovered to us the mystery of
Mackshane^s dialogue, as I have explained it above.
This detection coming to the ears of the doctor, who
was sensible that, now we were in sight of Jamaica, we
should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves
before a court-martial, and, at the same time, of
making his malice and ignorance conspicuous, he
interceded for us with the captain so effectually, that,
in a few hours, we were set at liberty, and ordered to
return to our duty. This was a happy event for me,
my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my
limbs benumbed by want of motion. But T could
[99]
RODERICK RANDOM
scarce persuade the Welshman to accept of this
indulgence, he persisting in his obstinacy to remain
in irons until he should be discharged by a coiut-
martial, which he believed would also do him justice
on his enemies. At length I represented to him the
precarious issue of a trial, the power and interest of
his adversaries, and flattered his revenge with the
hope of wreaking his resentment with his own hands
upon Mackshane after our return to England. This
last argument had more weight with him than all
the rest, and prevailed upon him to repair with me
to the cock-pit, which I no sooner entered than the
idea of my departed friend presented itself to my
remembrance, and filled my eyes with tears. We
discharged from our mess the boy who acted so
perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, entreaties, and
professions of penitence for what he had done; but
not before he had confessed that the surgeon had
bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair
of stockings, and a couple of old check shirts, of
which his servant had since plundered him.
The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us
by the doctor, we detained the messenger until we
had examined the contents; and my fellow-mate
finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust,
his brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was
seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged on
Mackshane^s man in oaths and execrations, th^ten-
ing to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow swore
in his turn, that he never had the keys in his posses-
sion till that time, when he received them from his
master, with orders to deliver them to us. " As Cot
[100]
MACKSHANE'S PRETENDED GENEROSIT?
is my judge," cried Morgan, " and my salfation, and
my witness, whosoever has pilfered my provisions, is
a lousy, peggarly, rascally knave! and by the soul of
my grandsire! I will impeach, and accuse, and indict
him of a roppery, if I did but know who he is." —
Had this misfortune happened at sea, where we could
not repair the loss, in all probability this descendant
of Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely; but,
when I observed how easy it would be to remedy
this paltry mischance, he became more calm, and
reconciled himself to the occasion. A little while
after this transport, the surgeon came into the berth,
under pretence of taking something out of the medi-
cine chest, and with a smiling aspect, wished us joy
of our deliverance, which, he said, he had been at
great pains to obtain of the captain, who was very
justly incensed at our behaviour; but he (the doctor)
had passed his word for our future conduct, and he
hoped we should give him no cause to repent of his
kindness. He expected, no doubt, an acknowledg-
ment from us for this pretended piece of service, as
well as a general amnesty of what was past; but he
had to do with people who were not quite so apt to
forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget, that, if
our deliverance was owing to his mediation, our
calamity was occasioned by his malice. I therefore
sat silent, while my companion answered, " Ay, ay,
't is no matter. Cot knows the heart — there is a
time for all things, as the wise man saith; there is
a time for throwing away stones, and a time to gather
them up again." He seemed to be disconcerted at
this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering some-
[101]
RODERICK RANDOM
thing about " ingratitude " and " fellows," of which
we did not think fit to take any notice.
Our fleet having joined another that waited for us,
lay at anchor about a month in the harbour at Port
Royal in Jamaica, during which time something of
consequence was certainly transacted; notwithstand-
ing the insinuations of some who affirmed we had no
business at all in that place ; that, in order to take
the advantage of the season proper for our enter-
prise, the West India squadron, which had previous
notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the
west end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and
refreshments, from whence we could have sailed
directly for Carthagena, before the enemy could put
themselves in a good posture of defence, or, indeed,
have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will, we
sailed from Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight,
beat up against the wind as far as the Isle of Vache,
with an intention, as was said, to attack the French
fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place;
but, before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe,
having first despatched an advice-boat to Carthagena,
with an account of our being in those seas, as also
of our strength and destination. We loitered here
some days longer, taking in wood, and brackish
water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral
seemed to consult the health of the men, by restrict-
ing each to a quart a day. At length we set sail,
and arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena,
where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten
days longer. Here again certain malicious people
took occasion to blame the conduct of their supe-
[102]
AKRIVAL AT CARTHAGENA
riors, by saying that, in so doing, they not only
unprofitably wasted time, which was very precious,
considering the approach of the rainy season, but
also allowed the Spaniards to recollect themselves
from the terror occasioned by the approach of an
English fleet, at least three times as numerous as
ever appeared in that part of the world before. But,
if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the
matter, I would ascribe this delay to the generosity
of our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage
that fortune might give them, even over an enemy.
At last, however, we weighed, and anchored again
somewhat nearer the harbour's mouth, where we
made shift to land our marines, who encamped on
the beach in despite of the enemy's shot, which
knocked a good many of them on the head. This
piece of conduct, in choosing a camp under the
walls of an enemy's fortification, which, I believe,
never happened before, was practised, I presume, with
a view of accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who
were not as yet much used to discipline, most of
them having been taken from the plough-tail a few
months before. This expedient again has furnished
matters for censure against the ministry, for sending
a few raw recruits on such an important enterprise,
while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at
home. But surely our governors had their reasons
for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with'
other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they were loth
to risk their best troops on such desperate service;
or the colonels and field officers of the old corps,
who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commis-
[ 108 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
sions as sinecures or pensions, for some domestic
services tendered to the court, refused to embark
in such a dangerous and precarious undertaking;
for which refusal, no doubt, thej are much to be
commended.
[1041
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
oca LAND FORCES BEING DISEMBARKED, ERECT A FAS-
CINE BATTERY OUR SHIP IS ORDERED, WITH
FOUR MORE, TO BATTER THE FORT OF BOCA CHICA
MACKSHANE^S COWARDICE THE CHAPLAIN'S
FRENZY HONEST RATTLIN LOSES ONE HAND
HIS HEROISM, AND REFLECTIONS ON THE BATTLE
CRAMPLEY'S BEHAVIOUR TO ME DURING THE
HEAT OF THE FIGHT.
OUR forces, being landed and stationed as
I have already mentioned, set about
erecting a fascine battery to cannonade
the principal fort of the enemy, and in
something more than three weeks, it was ready to
open. That we might do the Spaniards as much
honour as possible, it was determined, in a council
of war, that five of our largest ships should attack
the fort on one side, while the battery, strengthened
by two mortars and twenty-four cohoms, should ply
it on the other.
Accordingly the signal for our ship to engage,
among others, was hoisted, we being advertised the
night before to make everything clear for that
purpose; and in so doing, a difference happened
between Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin
and counsellor Mackshane, which had well-nigh ter-
minated in an open rupture. The doctor, who had
[105]
RODERICK RANDOM
imagined there was no more danger of being hvul; bj
the enemy's shot in the cock-pit than in the centre
of the earth, was lately informed that a surgeon's
mate had been killed in that part of the ship, by a
cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were
destroyed before the disembarkation of our sol-
diers; and *^erefore insisted upon having a plat-
form raised for the convenience of the sick and
wounded in the after-hold, where he deemed himself
more secure than on the deck above. The captain,
offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him
of pusillanimity, and told him there was no room in
the hold for such an occasion; or, if there was, he
could not expect to be indulged more than the rest
of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cock-pit
for that purpose. Fear rendering Mackshane obstin-
ate, he persisted in his demand, and showed his
instructions, by which it was authorized. The cap-
tain swore these instructions were dictated by a
parcel of lazy poltroons who were never at sea;
nevertheless, he was obliged to comply, and sent
for the carpenter to give him orders about it: but,
before any such measure could be taken, our signal
was thrown out, and the doctor compelled to trust
his carcase in the cock-pit, where Morgan and I were
busy in putting our instruments and dressings in
order.
Our ship, with others destined for this service,
immediately weighed, and, in less than half an hour,
came to an anchor before the castle of Boca Chica,
with a spring upon our cable; and the cannonading
(which, indeed, was terrible!) began. The surgeon,
[106]
ATTACK ON BOCA CHICA
after having crossed himself, fell flat on the deck;
and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed
with us in quality of assistants, followed his ex-
ample, while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest
looking at one another with great discomposure,
scarce able to refrain from the like prostration.
And, that the reader may know it was not a common
occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of
the particulars of this dreadful din that astounded
us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from eighty-
four great guns, beside a mortar and small arms, in
Boca Chica, thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph, twenty
in two fascine batteries, and four men-of-war, mount-
ing sixty-four guns each. This was answered by our
land battery, mounted with twenty-one cannon, two
mortars, and twenty-four cohoms, and five great
ships of eighty or seventy guns, that fired without
intermission. We had not been many minutes
engaged, when one of the sailors brought another
on his back to the cock-pit, where he tossed him
down like a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch,
put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth, without
speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the
condition of the wounded man, and cried out, As I
shall answer now, the man is as tead as my great-
grandfather." — " Dead," said his comrade, " he may
be dead now, for aught I know, but I'll be d—d
if he was not alive when I took him up." — So say-
ing, he was about to return to his quarters, when I
bade him carry the body along with him, and throw
it overboard. — "D—^n the body!" said he, *'I
think 'tis fair enough if I take care of my own.*
tlOT]
RODERICK RANDOM
My fellow-mate, snatching up the amputation knife,
pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, crying,
"You lousy rascal, is this the churchyard, or the
chamel-house, or the sepulchre, or the Golgotha of
the ship?'' but was stopped in his career by one
calling, " Yo ho, avast there — scaldings." " Scald-
ings!" answered Morgan, " Cot knows, 't is hot
enough, indeed: who are you?" "Here's one,"
replied the voice. And I immediately knew it to
be that of my honest friend. Jack Rattlin, who, com-
ing towards me, told me, with great deliberation,
he was come to be docked at last, and discovered the
remains of one hand which had been shattered to
pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with unfeigned
sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic
courage, observing, that every shot had its commis-
sion. It was well it did not take him in the head;
or, if it had, what then ? he should have died bravely,
fighting for his king and country: death was a debt
which every man owed, and must pay; and that now
was as well as another time. I was much pleased
and edified with the msixims of this sea philosopher,
who endured the amputation of his left hand with-
out shrinking; the operation being performed, at
his request, by me, after Mackshane, who was with
difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck,
had declared there was a necessity for his losing the
limb. While I was employed in dressing the stump,
I asked Jack's opinion of the battle, who, shaking
his head, frankly told me, he believed we should do
no good. " For why ? because instead of dropping
anchor close under shore, where we should have had
[108]
THE CHAPLAIN'S FRENZY
to deal with one comer of Boca Chica only, we
had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves to
the whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and
Fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we
intended to cannonade; that, besides, we lay at too
great a distance to damage the walls, and three parts
in four of our shot did not take place; for there was
scarce anybody on board who understood the point-
ing of a gun. Ah ! God help us!" continued he,
"if your kinsman Lieutenant Bowling had been
here, we should have had other guess-work."
By this time our patients had increased to such a
number, that we did not know which to begin with;
and the first mate plainly told the surgeon, that, if
he did not get up immediately, and perform his
duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the
admiral, and make application for his warrant. This
remonstrance effectually roused Mackshane, who was
never deaf to an argument in which he thought his
interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in
order to strengthen his resolution, had recourse more
than once to a case-hottle of rum, which he freely
communicated to the chaplain and purser, who had
as much need of such extraordinary inspiration as
himself: being thus supported, he went to work,
and arms and legs were hewed down without mercy.
The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's
brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits,
to make him quite delirious; he stripped himself to
the skin, and besmearing his body with blood, could
scarce be withheld from running upon deck in that
condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deport-
[109]
RODERICK RANDOM
ment, endeavoured to allay his transports with
reason; but, finding all he said ineffectual, and
great confusion occasioned by his frolics, he knocked
him down with his right hand, and by threats kept
him quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was
not in the power of rum to elevate the purser, who
sat on the floor wringing his hands, and cursing the
hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a
brewer in Rochester, to engage in such a life of
terror and disquiet. While we diverted ourselves at
the expense of this poor devil, a shot happened to
take us between wind and water, and, its course
being through the purser's storeroom, made a terri-
hie havock and noise among the jars and bottles in
its way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much, that
he dropped his scalpel, and, falling down on his
knees, pronounced his paternoster aloud; the purser
fell backward, and lay without sense or motion; and
the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with
one hand could not keep him under; so that we
were obliged to confine him in the surgeon's cabin,
where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extrava-
gances. Much about this time, my old antagonist
Crampley came down, with express orders, as he
said, to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to dress
a slight wound the captain had received by a
splinter; his reason for honouring me in partic-
ular with this piece of service, being, that, in case I
should be killed or disabled by the way, my death or
mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship's
company than that of the doctor or his first mate.
At another time, perhaps, I might have disputed
[110]
MACKSHANE'S DISOBEDIENCE
this order, to which I was not bound to pay the
least regard; but as I thought my reputation
depended upon my compliance, I was resolved to
convince my rival that I was no more afraid than
he of exposing myself to danger. With this view I
provided myself with dressings, and followed him
immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most
infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and uproar!
Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizen-mast,
no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the
sleeves tucked up to my arm-pits, and my hands
dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by
a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not
come ? I told him Crampley had singled me out, as
if by express command; at which reply he seemed
surprised, and threatened to punish the midshipman
for his presumption after the engagement: in the
meantime I was sent back to my station, and ordered
to tell Mackshane, that the captain expected him
immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my
commission to the doctor, who flatly refused to quit
the post assigned to him by his instructions; where-
upon Morgan, who, I believe, was jealous of my
reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and
ascended with great intrepidity. The captain, find-
ing the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to be
dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as
soon as the service should be over.
[Ill]
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
A BREACH BEING MADE IN THE WALLS, OUR SOLDIERS
GIVE THE ASSAULT, AND TAKE THE PLACE WITH-
OUT OPPOSITION OUR SAILORS AT THE SAME TIME
BECOME MASTERS OF ALL THE OTHER STRENGTHS
NEAR BOCA CHICA, AND TAKE POSSESSION OF THE
HARBOUR THE GOOD CONSEOUENCE OF THE
SUCCESS WE MOVE NEARER THE TOWN FIND
TWO FORTS DESERTED, AND THE CHANNEL BLOCKED
DP WITH SUNK VESSELS ; WHICH, HOWEVER, WE
FIND MEANS TO CLEAR LAND OUR SOLDIERS AT
LA QUINTA REPULSE A BODY OF MILITIA
ATTACK THE CASTLE OF ST. LAZAR, AND ARE
FORCED TO RETREAT WITH GREAT LOSS THE
REMAINS OF OUR ARMY ARE RE-EMBARKED AN
EFFORT OF THE ADMIRAL TO TAKE THE TOWN
THE ECONOMY OF OUR EXPEDITION DESCRIBED.
Having cannonaded the fort during the
space of four hours, we were all ordered
to slip our cables, and sheer off; but
next day the engagement was renewed,
and continued from the morning till the afternoon,
when the enemy''s fire from Boca Chica slackened,
and towards evening was quite silenced. A breach
being made on the other side, by our land battery,
large enough to admit a middle-sized baboon, pro-
vided he could find means to climb up to it, — our
[112)
CAPTURE OF THE HARBOUR
general proposed to give the assault that very night,
and actually ordered a detachment on that duty.
Providence stood our fnend upon this occasion, and
put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon
the fort, which might have been maintained by
resolute men till the day of judgment, against all
the force we could exert in the attack: and while our
soldiers took possession of the enemy's ramparts with-
out resistance, the same good luck attended a body
of sailors, who made themselves masters of Fort St.
Joseph, the fascine batteries, and one Spanish man-
of-war; the other three being burnt or sunk by the
foe, that they might not fall into our hands. The
taking of these forts, in the strength of which
the Spaniards chiefly conflded, made us masters of the
outward harhoim, and occasioned great joy among'
us; as we laid our accounts with flnding little or no
opposition from the town : and, indeed, if a few great
ships had sailed up immediately, before they had re-
covered from the confusion and despair that our
unexpected success had produced among them, it is
not impossible that we might have finished the affair
to our satisfaction, without any more bloodshed;
but this step our heroes disdained, as a barbarous
insult over the enemy's distress, and gave them all
the respite they could desire, in order to recollect
themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking
the advantage of this general exultation, waited on
our captain, and pleaded his cause so effectually, that
he was re-established in his good graces; and as for
Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his
behaviour towards me during the action.
VOL. II. —S [ 113 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
But of all the consequences of the victoiy, none
was more grateful than plenty of fresh water, after
we had languished five weeks on the allowance of a
purser's quart fer diem for each man, in the torrid
zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expense of
bodily fluid so great, that a gallon of liquor could
scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours ; especi-
ally as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to
which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt
pork of New England, which, though neither fish nor
flesh, savoured of both ; bread from the same country,
every biscuit whereof, like a piece of clock-work,
moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the
myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter
served out by the gill, that tasted like train-oil
'thickened with salt. Instead of small beer, each
man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy or
rum, which was distributed every morning, diluted
with a certain quantity of his water, without either
sugar or fruit to render it palatable; for which
reason, this composition was, by the sailors, not
unaptly styled Necessity. Nor was this limitation of
simple element owing to a scarcity of it on board,
for there was at this time water enough in the ship
for a voyage of six months, at the rate of half a
gallon per day to each man: but this fast must, I
suppose, have been enjoined by way of penance on
the ship's company for their sins; or rather with a
view to mortify them into a contempt of life, that
they might thereby become more resolute and regard-
less of danger. How simple, then, do those people
argue, who ascribe the mortality among us to our
{111)
SIEGE OF ST. LAZAR
bad provision and want of water; and affirm, that a
great many valuable lives might have been saved, if
the useless transports had been employed in fetching
fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments
from Jamaica, and other adjacent islands, for the use
of the army and fleet! seeing, it is to be hoped, that
those who died went to a better place, and those
who survived were the more easily maintained.
After all, a sufficient number remained to fall before
the walls of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their
own country mastiffs, which shut their eyes, run
into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed
for their valour.
But to return to my narration. After having put
garrisons into the forts we had taken, and re-em-
barked our soldiers and artilleiy, a piece of service
that detained us more than a week, we ventured up
to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large
fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on the
other, both of which were deserted before our ap-
proach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up
by several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the
enemy had sunk in the channel. We made shift, how-
ever, to open a passage for some ships, that favoured
a second landing of our troups, at a place called La
Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint
resistance from a body of Spaniards who opposed
their disembarkation, they encamped with a design
of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked
and commanded the city. Whether our renowned
general had nobody in his army who knew how to
approach it in form, or that he trusted entirely to the
[115]
RODERICK RANDOM
fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but, certain
it is, a resolution was taken in a council of war, to
attack the place with musketry only. This was put
in execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy
giving them such a hearty reception, that the greatest
part of the detachment took up their everlasting resi-
dence on the spot. Our chief, not relishing this kind
of complaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough to
retreat on board with the remains of his army, which,
from eight thousand able men landed on the beach,
near Boca Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred
fit for service. The sick and woimded were squeezed
into certain vessels, which thence obtained the name
of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce de-
served such a creditable title, seeing few of them
could boast of their surgeon, nurse, or cook; and
the space between decks was so confined, that the
miserable patients had not room to sit upright in
their beds. Their wounds and stumps being neg-
lected, contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions
of maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of
their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed
to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well known,
that every great ship in the fleet could have spared
one at least for this duty; an expedient which would
have been more than sufficient to remove this shock-
ing inconvenience. But, perhaps, the general was too
much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind
from his fellow chief, who, on the other hand, would
not derogate so much from his own dignity, as to
offer such assistance unasked; for I may venture to
affirm, that, by this tirtie, the demon of Discord, with
[116]
MANAGEMENT OF THE EXPEDITION
her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upOn our
counsels; and it might be said of these great men,
(I hope they will pardon the comparison,) as of Caesar
and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior,
and the other was impatient of an equal; so that,
between the pride of one and insolence of another,
the enterprise miscarried, according to the proverb,
"Between two stools, the backside falls to the
ground." Not that I would be thought to liken
any public concern to that opprobrious part of the
human body, though I might with truth assert, if
I durst use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation
did hang an a—se at its disappointment on this
occasion; neither would I presume to compare the
capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden
convenience as a joint-stool, or a close-stool, but only
to signify by this simile the mistake the people com-
mitted in trusting to the imion of two instruments
that were never joined.
A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the
admiral ordered one of the Spanish men-of-war we had
taken to be mounted with sixteen guns, and manned
with detachments from our great ships, in order
to batter the town. Accordingly she was towed into
the inner harbour in the night, and moored within
half a mile of the walls, against which she began to
fire at day-break; and continued about six hours
exposed to the opposition of at least thirty pieces of
cannon, which at length obliged our men to set her
on fire, and get off as well as they could in their boats.
This piece of conduct aflbrded matter of speculation
to all the wits either in the army or navy, who were
[1"]
RODERICK RANDOM
at last fain to acknowledge it was a stroke of policy
above their comprehension. Some entertained such
an irreverent opinion of the twlmiral's understanding,
as to think he expected the town would surrender to
his floating battery of sixteen guns. Others imagined
his sole intention was to try the enemy''s strength,
by which he should be able to compute the number
of great ships that would be necessary to force the
town to a capitulation. But this last conjecture
soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of
any kind whatever were afterwards employed on
that service. A third sort swore, that no other
cause could be assigned for this undertaking, than
that which induced Don Quixote to attack the
windmill.
A fourth class, and that the most numerous,
though, without doubt, composed of the sanguine and
malicious, plainly taxed this commander for want
of honesty, as well as sense; and alleged, that he
ought to have sacrificed private pique to the interest
of his country; that, where the lives of so many brave
fellow-citizens were concerned, he ought to have con-
curred with the general, without being solicited, or
even desired, towards their preservation and advan-
tage; that, if his arguments could not dissuade him
from a desperate enterprise, it was his duty to have
rendered it as practicable as possible, without running
extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with
a good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large
ships to batter the town, while the land forces stormed
the castle; by these means a considerable diversion
would have been made in favour of those troops, who,
[118]
MANAGEMENT OF THE EXPEDITION
in their march to the assault, and in their retreat,
suffered much more from the town than from the
castle; that the inhabitants, seeing themselves vigor-
ously attacked on all hands, would have been divided,
distracted, and confused, and, in all probability,
unable to resist the assailants. But all these sug-
gestions surely proceeded from ignorance and malevo-
lence, or else the admiral would not have found it
such an easy matter, at his return to England, to
justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright
and discerning. True it is, that those who under-
took to vindicate him on the spot, asserted that there
was not water enough for our great ships near the
town; though this was a little unfortunately urged,
because there happened to be pilots in the fleet per-
fectly well acquainted with the soundings of the
harbour, who affirmed there was water enough
for five eighty-gun ships to lie abreast, almost up at
the very walls. The disappointments we suffered
occasioned a universal dejection, which was not at all
alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly en-
tertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must
have inevitably happened, had we remained much
longer in this place. Such was the economy in
some ships, that, rather than be at the trouble of
interring the dead, the commanders ordered their
men to throw their bodies overboard, many without
either ballast • or winding-sheet; so that numbers
of human carcasses floated in the harbour, until
they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows,
which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those
who survived. At the same time the wet season
[119]
RODERICK RANDOM
began, during which a deluge of rain falls from the
rising to the setting of the sun, without intermis-
sion; and that no sooner ceases, than it begins to
thunder and lighten with such continual flashing,
that one can see to read a very small print by the
illumination.
ri8o]
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
AN EPIDEMIC FEVER RAGES AMONG OS WE ABANDON
OUR CONQUESTS 1 AM SEIZED WITH THE DISTEMPER
WRITE A PETITION TO THE CAPTAIN, WHICH IS RE-
JECTED 1 AM IN DANGER OF SUFFOCATION THROUGH
THE MALICE OF CRAMPLEY ; AND BELIEVED BY A
SERJEANT MY FEVER INCREASES THE CHAPLAIN
WANTS TO CONFESS ME I OBTAIN A FAVOURABLE
CRISIS MORGAN'S AFFECTION FOR ME PROVED
THE BEHAVIOUR OF MACKSHANE AND CRAMPLEY
TOWARDS ME CAPTAIN OAKUM IS REMOVED INTO
ANOTHER SHIP, WITH HIS BELOVED DOCTOR OUR
NEW CAPTAIN DESCRIBED AN ADVENTURE OF
MORGAN.
The change of the atmosphere, occasioned
by this phenomenon, conspired, with the
stench that surrounded us, the heat of
the climate, our own constitutions im-
poverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to
introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with
such violence, that three-fourths of those whom it
invaded died in a deplorable manner; the colour of
their skin being, by the extreme putrefaction of the
juices, changed into that of soot.
Our conductors, finding things in this situation,
perceived it was high time to relinquish our con-
quests; and this we did, after having rendered their
[121]
RODERICK RANDOM
artillery iiseless, and blown up their walls with gun-
powder. Just as we sailed from Boca Chica on our
return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with
the symptoms of this terrible distemper; and know-
ing very well that I stood no chance for my life, if I
should be obliged to lie in the cock-pit, which by
this time was grown intolerable, even to people in
health, by reason of the heat and unwholesome smell
of decayed provision, I wrote a petition to the cap-
tain, representing my case, and humbly imploring
his permission to lie among the soldiers in the mid-
die deck, for the benefit of the air; but I might
have spared myself the trouble; for this humane
commander refused my request, and ordered me to
continue in the place allotted for the surgeon's
mates, or else to be contented to lie in the hos-
pital, which, by the by, was three degrees more
offensive and more suffocating than our own berth
below.
Another in my condition, perhaps, would have
submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could
not brook the thoughts of perishing so pitifully, after
I had weathered so many gales of hard fortune. I
therefore, without minding Oakum's injunction, pre-
vailed upon the soldiers, whose good will I had ac-
quired, to admit my hammock among them, and
actually congratulated myself upon my comfortable
situation; which Crampley no sooner understood,
than he signified to the captain my contempt of his
orders, and was invested with the power to turn me
down again into my proper habitation. This bar-
barous piece of revenge incensed me so much against
[ 122 ]
RELIEVED BY A SERJEANT
the author, that I vowed, with bitter imprecations,
to call him to a severe account, if ever it should be
in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased
my fever to a violent degree. While I lay gasping
for breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a
Serjeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and
set to rights, after they had been demolished by a *
splinter during our last engagement. He being in-
formed of my condition, offered me the use of his
berth in the middle deck, which was enclosed with
canvas, and well aii'ed by a port-hole that remained
open v'ithin it. I embraced this proposal with joy,
and was immediately conducted to the place, where I
was treated, while my illness lasted, with the utmost
tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who
had no other bed for himself than a hen-coop, during
the whole passage. Here I lay, and enjoyed the
breeze; notwithstanding which, my malady gained
ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though
I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the
mortification to see, from my cabin window, six or
seven thrown overboard every day, who died of the
same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded,
conduced a great deal to the preservation of my life,
especially when joined to another resolution I took
at the beginning, namely, to refuse aU medicine, which
I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease,
and, instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a to-
tal degeneracy of the vital fluid. When my fnend
Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic boluses,
I put them in my mouth, 't is true, but without any
intention of swallowing them; and, when he went
[123]
RODERICK RANDOM
away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with
water-gruel: I seemingly complied in this manner,
that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by
a refusal which might have intimated a diiRdence of
his physical capacity; for he acted as my physician.
Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about me,
or even knowing where I was. When my distemper
was at the height, Morgan thought my case desperate;
and, after having applied a blister to the nape of my
neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woeful
countenance, recommend myself to Cot and my Re-
teemer; then taking his leave, desired the chaplain
to come and administer some spiritual consolation
to me; but before he arrived, I made shift to rid
myself of the troublesome application the Welshman
had bestowed on my back. The parson having felt
my pulse, inquired into the nature of my complaints,
hemmed a little, and began thus: " Mr. Random,
Grod out of his infinite mercy hath been pleased to
visit you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of which
no man knows. You may be permitted to recover,
and live many days on the face of the earth; and,
which is more probable, you may be taken away and
cut off in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent
on you, therefore, to prepare for the great change, by
repenting sincerely of your sins; of this there cannot
be a greater sign, than an ingenuous confession, which
I conjure you to make, without hesitation or mental
reservation; and when I am convinced of your sin-
cerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situa-
tion of your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you
have been guilty of numberless transgressions to which
[ 124]
SPIRITUAL CONSOLATION
youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom,
and adultery; tell me, therefore, without reserve, the
particulsurs of each, especially the last, that I may be
acquainted with the true state of your conscience;
for no physician will prescribe for his patient until
he knows the circumstances of his dise6U5e.'' As I was
not under any apprehensions of death, I could not
help smiling at the chaplain^s inquisitive remon-
strance, which I told him savoured more of the
Roman than of the Protestant Church, in recom-
mending amicular confession; a thing, in my opin-
ion, not at all necessary to salvation, and which, for
that reason, I declined.
This reply disconcerted him a little; however he
explained away his meaning, in making learned dis-
tinctions between what was absolutely necessary, and
what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask
what religion I professed. I answered, that I had
not as yet considered the difference of religions, con-
sequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but
that I was bred a Presb3rterian. At this word the
chaplain expressed great astonishment, and said he
could not apprehend how a Presbyterian was entitled
to any post under the English government. Then
he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or taken
the oaths; to which questions I replying in the
negative, he held up his hands, assured me he could
do me no service, wished I might not be in a state of
reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were
making merry in the ward-room, round a table well
stored with bumbo ^ and wine. This insinuation,
1 Bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg.
[125]
RODERICK RANDOM
terrible as it was, had not such an eflect upon me as
the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew
outrageous; I began to see strange chimeras, and
concluded myself on the point of becoming delirious;
in the meantime, being in great danger of suffocation,
I started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention
to plunge myself into the sea; and as my friend the
Serjeant was not present, would certainly have cooled
myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a mois-
ture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of
my hammock. The appearance of this revived my
hopes, and I had reflection and resolution enough
to take advantage of this favourable symptom, by
tearing the shirt from my body, and sheets from my
bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which
enclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt the
pains of heU; but it was not long before I was recom-
pensed for my suffering, by a profuse sweat, that,
bursting frtim the whole surface of my skin, in less
than two hours relieved me from all my complaints,
except that of weakness; and left me as hungry as a
kite.
I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I
was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of my
future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the out-
side of the curtain, ask the Serjeant if I was alive
stiU? "Alive!" cried the other, "God forbid he
should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these five
hours, and I do not choose to disturb him, for sleep
will do him great service." " Aye," said my fellow-
mate, "he sleeps so sound, look you, that he will
never waken till the great trump blows. Cot be
[126]
THE CRISIS PAST
merciful to his soul! He has paid his debt like an
honest man. Aye, and moreover he is at rest from
all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which.
Cot knows, and I know, he had his own share.
Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth, indeed."
So saying, he groaned grievously, and began to whine
in such a manner, as persuaded me he had a real
friendship for me. The serjeant, alarmed at his
words, came into the berth, and while he looked
upon me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink; he
immediately guessed my meaning, and, remaining
silent, Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my
being dead: whereupon he approached with tears in
his eyes, in order to indulge bis grief with the sight
of the object. And I counterfeited death so well, by
fixing my eyes, and dropping my under jaw, that he
said, " There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay,
Cot help meand observed, by the distortion of my
face, that I must have had a strong struggle. I
should not have been able to contain myself much
longer, when he began to perform the last duty
of a friend, in closing my eyes and my mouth;
upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers, and
discomposed him so much, that be started back,
turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of
Horror.
Although I could not help laughing at his appear-
ance, I was concerned for his situation, and stretched
out my hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat
some salmagundy of his making in England. It
was some time before he could recollect himself so
far as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particu*
[ 127 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
lars of my disease. But when he found I had
enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me
upon my good fortune, not failing to ascribe it,
under Cot, to the blister he had applied to my
back, at his last visit, " Which, by the by," said he,
"must now be removed and dressed." He was
actually going to fetch dressings, when I, feigning
astonishment, said, " Bless me! sure you never
applied a blister to me; there is nothing on my
back, I assure you." But he could not be convinced
till he had examined it, and then endeavoured to
conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise in
finding the skin untouched, and the plaster missing.
In order to excuse myself for paying so little regard
to his prescription, I pretended to have been insen-
sible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off
afterwards in a ft of delirium. This apology satis-
fied my friend, who on this occasion abated a good
deal of his stifihess in regard to pimctilio; and as we
were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had the
benefit of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I
recovered strength every day, and, in a short time,
my health and vigour were perfectly re-established.
When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl
about the deck with a staff in my hand, I met Doctor
Mackshane, who passed by me with a disdainful look,
and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word.
After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me,
with a fierce countenance, pronounced, " Here's fine
discipline on board, when such lazy skulking sons of
b—^hes as you are allowed, on pretence of sickness,
to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to
[128]
CRAMPLEY^S MALICE
hard duty!" The sight and behaviour of this mali*
dous scoundrel enraged me so much, that I could
scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his pate;
but when I considered my present feebleness, and
the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a
pretence to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and
contented myself with telling him, I had not forgot
his insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should
meet one day on shore. At this declaration he
grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for
nothing more than such an opportunity.
Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be heaved
down, victualled, and watered, for her return to
England; and our captain, for some reason or other,
not thinking it convenient for him to revisit his
native country at this time, exchanged with a gen-
tleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing
so much, as to be safe without the tropic; all his
care and tenderness of himself being insufficient to
preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun
and weather.
Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his
favourite Mackshane along with him, to my inex-
pressible satisfaction, our new commander came on
board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a
vast umbrella, and appeared in everything the
reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin, young man,
dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished with
a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair
flowed upon his shoulders, in ringlets, tied behind
with a ribbon. His coat, consisting of pink-coloured
silk lined with white, by the elegance of the cut
Toi. II. — 9 [ 129 J
RODERICK RANDOM
ictired backward, as it were to discover a white satin
waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the
upper part to display a brooch set with garnets, that
glitter^ in the breast of his shirt, which was of the
finest cambric, edged with right Mechlin. The knees
of his crimson vdvet breeches scarcely descended so
low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without
spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of
blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles, that
fiamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword,
inlaid with gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon
which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his side;
and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his
wrist. But the most remarkable parts of his fiimi-
ture were, a mask on his face, and white gloves on
his hands, which did not seem to be put on with
an intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were
fixed with a curious ring on the little finger of each
hand. In this garb Captain Whiffle, for that was
his name, took possession of the ship, surrounded
with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their
different degrees, seemed to be of their patron's
disposition; and the air was so impregnated with per-
fiimes, that one may venture to afflrm the clime of
Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My
fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train,
thought he had found an occasion too favourable for
himself to be neglected; and remembering the old
proverb, "Spare to speak, and spare to speed,"
resolved to solicit the new captain's interest imme-
diately, before any other surgeon could be appointed
for the ship.
[130]
MORGAN AND CAPTAIN WHIFFLE
With this view he repaired to the cabin in his
ordinary dress, consisting of a check shirt and trou-
sers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the
same (neither of them very clean), which, for his
future misfortune, happened to smell strong of
tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into this
sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reppsing on
a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his
body, and a muslin cap bordered with lace about his
head; and, after several low congees, began in this
manner: "Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse,
and pardon the presumption of one who has not the
honour of being known unto you, but who is, never-
theless, a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover
has had misfortunes. Cot help me, in the world.**
Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on
seeing him, had started up with great amazement at
the novelty of the apparition; and having recollected
himself, pronounced, with a look and tone signifying
disdain, curiosity, and surprise, "Zauns! who art
thou.?** "I am surgeon's first mate on board of
this ship,** replied Morgan, " and I most vehemently
desire and beseech you, with all submission, to be
pleased to condescend, and vouchsafe to inquire into
my character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts,
which, under Cot, I hope will entitle me to the
vacancy of surgeon.** As he proceeded in his speech,
he continued advancing toward the captain, whose
nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic
flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried, with
great emotion, " Heaven preserve me! 1 am suflb-
cated I Fellow, fellow, away with thee. Curse thee^
[131]
RODERICK RANDOM
fellow! get thee gone. I shall be stunk to death!"
At the noise of his outcries, his servants ran into his
apartment, and he accosted them thus: " Villains I
cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am sacri-
ficed! — Will you not carry that monster away ? or
must I be stifled with the stench of him! oh ! oh!"
With these interjections he sunk down upon his
settee in a fit; his valet de chambre plied him with
a smelling bottle, one footman chafed his temples
with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with
spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan out of the
cabin; who, coming to the place where I was, sat
down with a demure countenance, and, according to
his custom, when he received an indignity which he
durst not revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty. I
guessed he was under some agitation of spirits, and
desired to know the cause; but,instead of answer-
ing me directly, he asked, with great emotion, if I
thought him a monster and a stinkard ? "A mon-
ster and a stinkard," said I, with some surprise, " did
anybody call you so ? " " Cot is my judge," replied
he, " Captain Fifle did call me both; aye, and aU the
water in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remem-
brance. I do affirm, and vouch, and maintain, with
my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look you, that
I have no smells about me, but such as a Christian
ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, which
is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb, and he is a
son of a mountain goat who says otherwise. As for
my being a monster, let that be as it is: I am as
Cot was pleased to create me, which, peradventuie,
is more than I shall aver of him who gave me
[132 ]
MORGAN AND CAPTAIN WHIFFLE
that title; for I will proclaim it before the world,
that he is disguised, and transfigured, and trans-
mographied with affectation and whimsies, and that
he is more like a papoon than one of the human
race."
[133]
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
CAPTAIN WHIFFLE SENDS FOE ME HIS SITUATION
desceibed his surgeon arrives, prescribes
for him, and puts him to bed a bed is
PUT DP FOR MR. SIMPER CONTIGUOUS TO THE
STATE ROOM, WHICH, WITH OTHER PARTS OF
THE captain's BEHAVIOUR, GIVES THE SHIp's COM-
PANY A VERY UNFAVOURABLE IDEA OF THEIR
commander 1 am detained in the west
indies by the admiral, and go on board
of the Lizard sloop of war in quality of
surgeon's mate, where i make myself known
to the surgeon, who treats me very kindly
1 go on shore, sell my ticket, purchase
necessaries, and, at my return on board, am
surprised at the sight of crampley, who is
appointed lieutenant of the sloop we sail
on a cruise take a prize, in which i arrive
at port morant, under the command of
my messmate, with whom i live in great
harmony.
I'M" E was going on with an eulogium upon
I the captain, when I received a message
I to clean myself, and go up to the
.A. great cabin; and with this command
1 instantly complied, sweetening myself with rose
water from the medicine chest. When I entered
the room, I was ordered to stand by the door, until
[134]
CAPTAIN WHIFFLE SENDS FOR ME
Captain Whiffle had reconnoitred me at a distance
with a spy-glass. He having consulted one sense in
this manner, bade me advance gradually, that his
nose might have intelligence, before it could be
much offended. I therefore approached with great
caution and success, and he was pleased to say,
" Aye, this creature is tolerable." I found him loll-
ing on his couch with a languishing air, his head
supported by his valet de chambre, who, from time
to time, applied a smelling bottle to his nose.
"Vergette," said he, in a squeaking tone, "dost
thou think this wretch (meaning me) wiU do me no
injury ? may I venture to submit my arm to him ? "
" Pon my vord," replied the valet, " I do tink dat
dere be great occasion for your honour losing one
small quantity of blodt; and the young man ave
quelque chose of de bonne mien." "Well, then,"
said his master, " I think I must venture." Then,
addressing himself to me, " Hast thou ever blooded
any body but brutes ? But I need not ask thee, for
thou wilt tell me a most damnable lie." "Brutes,
Sir ?" answered I, pulling down his glove, in order
to feel his pulse, "I never meddle with brutes."
" What the devil art thou about ? " cried he; " dost
thou intend to twist oflF my hand ? God's curse! my
arm is benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven
have mercy upon me! must I perish imder the hands
of savages ? What an unfortunate dog was I, to
come on board without my own surgeon, Mr.
Simper!" I craved pardon for having handled him
sO roughly, and, with the utmost care and tender-
ness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I
[135]
RODERICK RANDOM
was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how
much blood I intended to take from him, and when
I answered, " Not above twelve ounces," started up
with a look fuU of horror, and bade me be gone,
swearing I had a design upon his life. Vergette
appeased him with difficulty, and opening a bureau,
took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed
a small cup; and putting them into my hands, told
me the captain never lost above an ounce and three
drachms at one time. While I prepared for this
important evacuation, there came into the cabin a
young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complex-
ion, with a kind of languid smile on his face, which
seemed to have been rendered habitual by a long
cotuse of affectation. The captain no sooner per-
ceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew into his
arms, cr3ang, " O! my dear Simper! I am excessively
disordered! I have been betrayed, frighted, mur-
dered by the negligence of my servants, who suffered
a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink me
into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco." Simper,
who by this time I found was obliged to art for the
clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of soft-
ness and S3nnpathy, and lamented, with many tender
expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had
thrown him into that condition; then feeling his
patient's pulse on the outside of his glove, gave it as
his opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous,
and that some drops of tincture of castor, and liquid
laudanum, would be of more service to him than
bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his
spirits, and composing the fermentation of his bile.
[136]
DOCTOR SIMPER'S PRESCRIPTION
I was therefore sent to prepare this prescription,
which was administered in a glsiss of sack posset;
after the captain had been put to bed, and orders
sent to the oflBcers on the quarter-deck, to let
nobody walk on that side under which he lay.
While the captain enjoyed his repose, the doctor
watched over him, and indeed became so necessar)',
that a cabin was made for him contiguous to the
state room, where Whiffle slept, that he might be at
hand in case of accidents in the night. Next day,
our commander being happily recovered, gave orders
that none of the lieutenants should appear upon
deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any mid-
shipman, or other petty offlcer, be seen with a check
shirt, or dirty linen. He also prohibited any person
whatever, except Simper, and his own servants, from
coming into the great cabin, without first sending in
to obtain leave. These singular regulations did not
prepossess the ship's company in his favour; but on
the contrary, gave Scandal an opportunity to be
very busy with his character, and accuse him of
maintaining a correspondence with the surgeon not
fit to be named.
In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing
orders, I was in hopes of revisiting my native country
in a very short time, when the admiral's surgeon
came on board, and sending for Morgan and me to
the quarter-deck, gave us to understand there was a
great scarcity of surgeons in the West Indies; that
he was commanded to detain one mate out of every
great ship that was bound for England; and desired
us to agree between ourselves, befoi'e the next day
[137]
RODERICK RANDOM
at that hour, which of us should stay behind. We
were thunderstruck at this proposal, and stared at
one another some time without speaking; at length
the Welshman broke silence, and offered to remain
in the West Indies, provided the admiral would give
him a surgeon's warrant immediately; but he was
told there was no want of chief surgeons, and that
he must be contented with the station of mate, till
he should be further provided for in due course.
Whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship
for which the Commissioners of the Navy had
appointed him; and the other told him as plainly,
that if we could not determine the affair by our-
selves before to-morrow morning, he must cast lots,
and abide by his chance. When I recalled to my
remembrance the miseries I had imdergone in Eng-
land, where I had not one friend to promote my
interest, or favour my advancement in the navy, and,
at the same time, reflected on the present dearth of
surgeons in the West Indies, and the unhealthiness
of the climate, which every day almost reduced the
number, I could not help thinking my success would
be much more certain and expeditious by my staying
where I was, than by returning to Europe. I there-
fore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next
day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told
Morgan, he need not trouble himself, for I would
voluntarily submit to the admiral's pleasure. This
frank declaration was commended by the gentleman,
who assured me, it should not fEu« the worse with me
for my resignation. Indeed, he was as good as his
word, and that very afternoon procured a warrant,
[ 138]
TRANSFERRED TO THE "LIZARD"
appointing me surgeon's mate of the Lizard sloop of
war, which put me on a footing with every first mate
in the service.
My ticket being made out, I put my chest and
bedding on board a canoe that lay alongside, and
having shook hands with my trusty friend the
Serjeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound
for Greenwich Hospital, I took my leave of Morgan
with many tears, after we had exchanged our sleeve-
buttons as remembrances of each other. Having
presented my new warrant to the captain of the
Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner
saw, than I recollected him to be one of those young
fellows with whom I had been committed to the
Round House, during our frolic with Jackson, as I
have related before. He received me with a good
deal of corrrtesy, and when I put him in mind of our
former acquaintance, expressed great joy at seeing
me again, and recommended me to an exceeding good
mess, composed of the gunner and master's mate.
As there was not one sick person in the ship, I got
leave to go ashore next day with the gunner, who
recommended me to a Jew that bought my ticket at
the rate of forty per cent, discount; and having
furnished myself with what necessaries I wanted,
returned on board in the evening, and, to my sur-
prise, found my old antagonist Crampley walking
upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was
shocked at his appearance, and communicated my
sentiments on that subject to Mr. Tomlins the
surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint of
some fnends about the admiral, had procured a com-
[139]
RODERICK RANDOM
mission, constituting him lieutenant on board the
Lizard; and adviged me, now he was my superior
officer, to behave with some respect towards him, or
else he would find a thousand opportunities of using
me ill. This advice was a bitter potion to me, whom
pride and resentment had rendered utterly incapable
of the least submission to, or even of a reconciliation
with, the wretch who had on many occasions treated
me so inhumanly. However, I resolved to have as
little connexion as possible with him, and to in-
gratiate myself as much as I could with the rest of
the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark to
defend me from the attempts of his malice.
In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and,
having weathered the east end of the island, had the
good fortune to take a Spanish barcolongo, with her
prize, which was an English ship boimd for Bristol,
that sailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without
convoy. All the prisoners who were well we put on
shore on the north side of the island; the prizes were
manned with Englishmen, and the command of the
barcolongo given to my fnend the master's mate, with
orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to
remain vmtil the Lizard's cruise should be ended, at
which time she would touch at the same place in her
way to Port Royal. With him I was sent to attend
the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who
amounted to sixteen, and to take care of them on
shore, in a house that was to be hired as an hospitaL
This destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, as
I should for some time be freed from the arrogance
of Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had already
[140]
ARRIVAL AT PORT MORANT
broke out on two or three occasions since he was
become a lieutenant. My messmate, who very much
resembled my uncle, both in figure and disposition,
treated me on board of the prize with the utmost
civility and confidence; and, among other favours,
made me a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a
pair of pistols mounted with the same metal, which
fell to his share in plundering the enemy. We
arrived safely at Morant, and going on shore, pitched
upon an empty storehouse, which we hired for the
reception of the wounded, who were brought to it
next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four
of the ship^s company appointed to attend them and
ohey me.
[Ul]
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
A STEANGE ADVENTURE IN CONSEftUENCE OF WHICH
I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY CRAMPLEY DOES ME
ILL OFFICES WITH THE CAPTAIN : BUT HIS HAUCE
IS DEFEATED BY THE GOOD NATURE AND FRIEND-
SHIP OF THE SURGEON WE RETURN TO PORT ROYAL
OUR CAPTAIN GETS THE COMMAND OF A LARGER
SHIP, AND IS SUCCEEDED BY AN OLD MAN BRAYL
IS PROVIDED FOR WE RECEIVE ORDERS TO SAIL FOR
ENGLAND.
WHEN my patients were all in a fair
way, my companion and commander,
whose name was Brayl, carried me up
the country to the house of a rich
planter, with whom he was acquainted; where we
were sumptuously entertained, and, in the evening,
set out on our return to the ship, "^^^len we had
walked about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a
horseman behind us, who, coming up, wished us good
even, and asked which way we went? His voice,
which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck my
ear, than, in spite of all my resolution and reflection,
my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent
fit of trembling, which Brayl misinterpreting, bade
me be under no concern. I told him he was mistaken
in the cause of my disorder; and, addressing myself
to the person on horseback, said, " I could have sworn
[142]
ADVENTURE AT PORT MORANT
by your voice, that you was a dear fnend of mine, if
I had not been certain of his death." To this address,
after some pause, he replied, " There are many voices
as well as faces that resemble one another; hut
pray, what was yoxu- friend's name" I satisfied him
in that particular, and gave a short detail of the
melancholy fate of Thomson, not without many sighs
and some tears. A silence ensued, which lasted some
minutes, and then the conversation turned on different
subjects, till we arrived at a house on the road, where
the horseman alighted, and begged with so much
earnestness, that we would go in and drink a howl of
punch with him, that we could not resist. But if I
was alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement
he, when I discovered by the light the veiy person of
my lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which
was extreme, he clasped me in his arms, and bedewed
my face with tears. It was some time ere I recovered
the use of my reason, overpowered with this event,
and longer still before I could speak; so that all I
was capable of was to return his embraces, and to
mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; whilst
honest Brayl, affected with the scene, wept as fast as
either of us, and signified his participation of our
happiness, by hugging xis both, and capering about
the room like a madman. At length I retrieved the
use of my tongue, and cried, " Is it possible, can you
be my friend Thomson ? No certainly, alas! he was
drowned! and I am now under the deception of a
dream!" He was at great pains to convince me of
his being the individual person whom I regretted,
and, bidding me sit down and compose myself
[i«]
RODERICK RANDOM
promised to explain his sudden disappearance from
the Thunder, and to account for his being at present
in the land of the living.
This task he acquitted himself of, after I had
drank a glass of punch, and recollected my spirits, by
informing us, that, with a determination to rid him-
self of a miserable existence, he had gone in the
night-time to the head, while the ship was on her
way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he
could by the bows into the sea, where, after he was
heartily ducked, he began to repent of his precipita-
tion, and, as he could swim very well, kept himself
above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of
the ships astern; that, in this situation, he hailed a
large vessel, and begged to be taken in, but was
answered that she was a heavy sailer, and therefore
they did not choose to lose time by bringing to;
however, they threw an old chest overboard for his
convenience, and told him, that some of the ships
astern would certainly save him; that no other vessel
came within sight or cry of him for the space of three
horns, during which time he had the mortification to
find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without
other support or resting-place but what a few crazy
boards afforded; till at last he discerned a small sloop
steering towards him, upon which he set up his
throat, and had the good fortune to be heard and
rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, which
was hoisted, out on purpose. "I was no sooner
brought on board," continued he, "than I fainted,
and when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed
regaled with a most noisome smell of onions and
[ 144 J
rnoMsoN's story
cheese, which made me think, at first, that I was in
my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, and
that all which had passed was no more than a dream.
Upon inquiry I understood that I was on board of
a schooner belonging to Rhode Island, bound for
Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and
cheese; and that the master^s name was Robertson,
by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at first sight
to be an old school-fellow of mine.
When I discovered myself to him he was trans-
ported with surprise and joy, and begged to know the
occasion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit
to disclose, because I knew his notions with regard to
religion were very severe and confined; therefore con-
tented myself with telling him, I fell overboard by
accident; but made no scruple of explaining the
nature of my disagreeable station, and of acquaint-
ing him with my determined purpose never to return
to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not
of my opinion in that particular, knowing that I
must lose my clothes, and what pay was due to me,
unless I went back to my duty; yet, when I described
the circumstances of the hellish life I led, under
the tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and,
among other grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at
the irreligious deportment of my shipmates, and the
want of the true Presbyterian gospel doctrine; he
changed his sentiments, and conjxured me with great
vehemence and zeal to lay aside all thought of rising
in the navy; and, that he might show how much he
had my interest at heart, undertook to provide for
me in some shape or other, before he should leave
VOL. II. —10 [ 145 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
Jamaica. This promise he performed to my hearths
desire, by recommending me to a gentleman of for-
tune, with whom I have lived ever since, in- quality
of surgeon and overseer to his plantations. He and
his lady are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the
present, master of this house, to which, from my soul,
I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with
your company during the remaining part of the
night." — I needed not a second invitation; but Mr.
Brayl, who was a diligent and excellent officer, could
not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship: however,
he supped with us, and, after having drank a cheerful
glass, set out for the vessel, which was not above three
miles from the place, escorted by a couple of stout
negroes, whom Mr. Thomson ordered to conduct him.
Never were two friends more happy in the conversa-
tion of each other than we, for the time it lasted. I
related to him the particulars of our attempt upon
Carthagena, of which he had heard but an imperfect
account; and he gratified me with a narration of
eveiy little incident of his^life since we parted. He
assured me, it was with the utmost difficulty he could
resist his inclination of coming down to Port Royal
to see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no
tidings since the day of our separation; but that he
was restrained by the fear of being detained as a
deserter. He told me, that, when he heard my voice
in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was
at seeing him afterwards; and, in the confidence of
friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained for the
only daughter of the gentleman with whom he lived,
who, by his description, was a very amiable young
[146]
THOMSON'S STORY
lady, and did not disdain his addresses; that he wm
very much favoured by her parents, and did not,
despair obtaining their consent to the match; which
would at once render him independent of the world.
I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he
protested should never make him forget his friends;
and towards morning we betook ourselves to rest.
Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where
Mr. Brayl entertained him at dinner, and we having
spent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us
in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten
pistoles, as a small token of his affection. In short,
while we stayed here, we saw one another every day,
and generally ate at the same table, which was plen-
tifuUy supplied by him with all kinds of poultiy,
butcher's meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine apples,
Madeira wine, and excellent rum; so that this small
interval of ten days was by far the most agreeaUe
period of my life.
At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients
being all fit for duty, they and I were ordered on
board of her, where I understood from Mr. Tomlins,
that there was a dryness between the lieutenant and
him on my account; that rancorous villain having
taken the opportunity of my absence to fill the cap-
tain's ears with a thousand scandalous stories to my
prejudice; among other things, affirming, that I had
once been transported for theft, and that, when I
was in the Thunder man-of-war, I had been whipped
for the same crime. The surgeon, on the other
hand, having heard my whole story from my own
mouth, defended me strenuously, and, in the coiurse
[i«]
RODERICK RANDOM
of that good-natured office, recounted all the in-
stances of Crampley's malice against me while 1
remained on board of that ship; which declaration,
while it satisfied the captain of my innocence, made
the lieutenant as much my defender's enemy as mine.
This infernal behaviour of Crampley, with regard to
me, added such fuel to my former resentment, that,
at certain times, I was quite beside myself with the
desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol
him on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death
must inevitably have been my reward. But the sur-
geon, who was my confidant, argued against such a
desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame
which consumed me for the present, and resolved to
wait for a more convenient opportunity. In the
meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more
convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow's
slander, I begged he would go and visit Mr. Thom-
son, whose wonderful escape I had made him
acquainted with, and inquire of him into the par-
ticulars of my conduct, while he was my fellow-
mate. This request the surgeon complied with, more
through curiosity to see a person whose fate had
been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good
opinion of me, which, he assured me, was already
firmly established. He therefore set out for the
dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of intro-
duction from me; and, being received with all the
civility and kindness I expected, letunied to the
ship, not only satisfied with my character beyond
the power of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed
with the affability and conversation of Thomson,
r 148]
THOMSON'S GENEROSITY
who loaded him and me with presents of fresh
stocks, liquors, and fruit. As he would not ven-
ture to come and see us on board, lest Crampley
should know and detain him, when the time of our
departure approached, I obtained leave to go and
bid him farewell. After we had vowed an everlast-
ing friendship, he pressed upon me a purse with four
doubloons, which I refused as long as I could, with-
out giving umbrage; and, having cordially embraced
each other, I returned on board, where I found a
small box, with a letter directed for me, to the
care of Mr. Tomlins. Knowing the superscription
to be of Thomson's hand-writing, I opened it with
some surprise, and learned that this generous friend,
not contented with loading me with the presents
already mentioned, had sent, for my use and accept-
ance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen
waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread
stockings.—Being thus provided with money, and
all necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to
look upon myself as a gentleman of some conse-
quence, and felt my pride dilate apace.
Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we
arrived safely with our prizes; and, as there was
nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and, having
purchased a laced waistcoat, with some other clothes,
at a sale, made a swaggering figure for some days
among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little
at hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my
pocket. Meanwhile, our captain was promoted to
a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the
Uzard given to a man turned of fourscore, who had
[ 149 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
been lieutenant since the reign of King William,
and, notwithstanding his long service, would have
probably died in that station, had he not applied
some prize money he had lately received, to make
interest with his superiors. My friend Brayl was
also made an ofHcer about the same time, after he
had served in quality of a midshipman and mate
fiye-and-twenty years. Soon after these alterations,
the admiral pitched upon our ship to carry home
despatches for the ministry; and we set sail for
England, having first scrubbed her bottom, and
taken in provision and water for the occasion.
[150]
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
WE DEPART FOR EUROPE A MISUNDERSTANDING
ARISES BETWEEN THE CAPTAIN AND SURGEON,
THROUGH THE SCANDALOUS ASPERSIONS OF
CRAMPLEY THE CAPTAIN DIES — CRAMPLEY TYR-
ANNISES OVER THE SURGEON, WHO FALLS A VIC-
TIM TO HIS CRUELTY 1 AM ALSO ILL-USED
THE SHIP STRIKES THE BEHAVIOUR OF
CRAMPLEY AND THE SEAMEN ON THAT OCCASION
1 GET ON SHORE, CHALLENGE THE CAPTAIN TO
SINGLE COMBAT AM TREACHEROUSLY KNOCKED
DOWN, WOUNDED, AND ROBBED.
NOW that I could return to my native
coimtry in a creditable way, I felt
excessive pleasure in finding myself out
of sight of that fatal island, which has
been the grave of so many Europeans; and as I was
accommodated with everything to render the passage
agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much as the
insolence of Crampley would permit. This insidious
slanderer had found means already to cause a mis-
understanding between the surgeon and captain, who,
by his age and infirmities, was rendered intolerably
peevish, his disposition having also been soured by a
long course of disappointments. He had a particular
aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons,
whom he considered as unnecessary animals on board
[lai]
RODERICK RANDOM
%
of a ship; and, in consequence of these sentiments,
never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being
seized with a violent fit of the gout and gravel; but
applied to a cask of Holland gin, which was his sove-
reign prescription against all distempers. Whether
he was at this time too sparing, or took an overdose
of his cordial, certain it is, he departed in the night
without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he
always despised, and was found stiff next morning,
to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who sue-
ceeded to the command of the vesseL For that very
reason, Mr. Tomlins and I had no cause to rejoice at
this event, fearing that the tyranny of our new com-
mander would now be as unlimited as his power.
The first day of his command justified our apprehen-
sion. For, on pretence that the decks were too
much crowded, he ordered the surgeon's hen-coops,
with all his fowls, to be thrown overboard; and at
the same time prohibited him and me from appeAr-
ing on the quarter-deck. Mr. Tomlins could not
help complaining of these injuries, and, in the coutse
of his expostulation, dropped some hasty words, of
which Crampley taking hold, confined him to his
cabin, where, in a few days, for want of air, he was
attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his
life, after he had made his will, by which he
bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to his
sister, and left me his watch and instruments, as
memorials of his friendship. I was penetrated with
grief on this melancholy occasion; the more because
there was nobody on board to whom I could com-
municate my sorrows, or of whom I could receive the
[158]
THE SHIP STRIKES
least consolation or advice. Crampley was so far from
discovering the least remorse for his barbarity, at
the news of the surgeon's death, that he insulted his
memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed
he had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading
to be brought to a court-martial for mutiny; for
which reason he would not suffer the serwice of the
dead to be read over his body before it was thrown
overboard.
Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have sup-
ported me under the brutal sway of this bashaw, who,
to render my life the more irksome, signified to my
messmates a desire that I should be expelled from
their society. This was no sooner hinted, than they
granted his request; and I was fain to eat in a soli-
tary manner by myself during the rest of the passage,
which however soon drew to a period.
We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner
told the captain, that, by his reckoning, we must be
in soimdings, and desired he would order the lead to
be heaved. Crampley swore he did not know how
to keep the ship's way, for we were not within a
hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore he
would not give himself the trouble to cast the lead.
Accordingly we continued om- course all that after^
noon and night, without shortening sad, although
the gunner pretended to discover Scilly light, and
next morning protested in form against the captain's
conduct, fw which he was put in confinement. We
discovered no land all that day, and Crampley was
still so infatuated as to neglect soimding; but at
three o'clock in the morning the ship struck, and
[153 J
RODERICK RANDOM
remained fast on a sandbank. This accident alarmed
the whole crew; the boat was immediately hoisted
out; but, as we could not discern which way the
shore lay, we were obliged to wait for daylight. In
the meantime the wind increased, and the waves
beat against the sloop with such violence, that we
expected she would have gone to pieces. The
gunner was released, and consulted. He advised
the captain to cut away the mast, in order to lighten
her; this expedient was performed without success.
The sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation,
according to custom, broke up the chests belonging
to the officers, dressed themselves in their clothes,
drank their liquors without ceremony; and drunken-
ness, tumult, and confusion ensued. In the midst of
this uproar I went below, to secure my own effects;
and found the carpenter's mate hewing down the
purser's cabin with his hatchet, whistling all the
while with great composure. When I asked his
intention in so doing, he replied very calmly, "I
only want to taste the purser's rum, that's all,
master." At that instant the piuser coming down,
and seeing his effects going to wreck, complained
bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the
fellow what occasion he had for liquor, when, in all
Ukelihood, he should be in eternity in a few minutes.
" All's one for that," said the plunderer," let us live
while we can." " Miserable wretch that thou art,"
cried the piuser, " what must be thy lot in the other
world, if thou diest in the commission of robbery ?"
" Why, heU, I suppose," replied the other, with great
deliberation, while the piu^er fell upon his knees,
[154]
BEHAVIOUR OF CRAMPLEY
and begged of Heaven that we might not all perish
for the sake of one Jonas. During this dialogue, I
clothed myself in my best apparel, girded on my
hanger, stuck my pistols loaded in my belt, disposed
of all my valuable movables about my person, and
came upon deck with a resolution of taking the first
opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day
broke, appeared at the distance of three miles ahead.
Crampley, finding his efforts to get the ship off inef-
fectual, determined to consult his own safety, by
going into the boat, which he had no sooner done,
than the ship's company followed so ftist, that she
would have sunk alongside, had not some one wiser
than the rest cut the rope, and put off. But before
this happened, I had made several attempts to get
in, and was always balked by the captain, who was
so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind the
endeavours of any other body. Enraged at this
inhuman partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled
one of my pistols from my belt, and cocking it,
swore I would shoot any man who would presume to
obstruct my entrance. So saying, I leaped with my
full exertion, and got on board of the boat with the
loss of the skin of my shins. I chanced in my
descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got
up than he struck at me several times with a cutlass,
and ordered the men to throw me overboard; but
they were too anxious about their own safety to
mind what he said. Though the boat was very
deeply loaded, and the sea terrible high, we made
shift to get upon dry land in less than an hour after
we parted from the sloop.
[155 J
RODERICK RANDOM
As soon as I set foot on terra firma, my indigna-
tion, which had boiled so long within me, broke out
against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged
to single combat, presenting my pistols, that he
might take his choice: he took one without hesita-
tion, and before I could cock the other, fired in my
face, throwing the pistol after the shot. I felt my-
self stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered
my brain, discharged mine as quick as possible, that
I might not die unrevenged; then flying upon my
antagonist, knocked out several of his fore teeth with
the butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have
made an end of him with that instrument, had he
not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass, which
he had given to his servant when he received the
pistol. Seeing him armed in this manner I drew
my hanger, and having flimg my pistol at his head,
closed with him in a transport of fury, and thrust
my weapon into his mouth, which it enlarged on one
side to his ear. Whether the smart of this wound
disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the ground
made him reel, I know not, but he staggered some
paces back : I followed close, and with one stroke cut
the tendons of the back of his hand, upon which his
cutlass dropped and he remained defenceless. I know
not with what cruelty my rage might have inspired
me, if I had not at that instant been felled to the
ground by a blow on the back part of my head, which
deprived me of all sensation. In this deplorable sit-
nation, exposed to the rage of an incensed barbarian,
and the rapine of an inhuman crew, I remained for
some time; and whether any disputes arose among
[166]
AM WOUNDED AND ROBBED
ihem during the state of my annihilation, I cannot
pretend to determine; but in one particular they
seem to have been imanimous, and acted with equal
dexterity and despatch; for, when I recovered the
use of understanding, I found myself alone in a deso-
late place, stripped of my clothes, money, watch,
buckles, and everything but my shoes, stockings,
breeches, and shirt. What a discovery must this have
been to me, who but an hour before was worth sixty
guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my birth, the
parents that gave me being, the sea that did not
swallow me up, the poignard of the enemy, which
could not find the way to my heart, the villany of
those who had left me in that miserable condition;
and, in the ecstasy of despair, resolved to lie still
where 1 was, and perish.
[157]
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
I GET UP, AND CEAWL INTO A BARN, "WHEEE I AM IN
DANGER OF PERISHING THROUGH THE FEAR OF THE
COUNTRY PEOPLE THEIR INHUMANITY I AM
SUCCOURED BY A REPUTED WITCH HER STORY
HER ADVICE SHE RECOMMENDS ME AS A VALET
TO A SINGLE LADY, WHOSE CHARACTER SHE EXPLAINS.
But, as I lay ruminating, my passion insen-
sibly abated; I considered my situation in
quite another light from that in which it
appeared to me at first, and the result of
my deliberation was to rise, if I could, and crawl to
the next inhabited place for assistance. With some
difficulty I got upon my legs, and having examined
my body, found I had received no other injury than
two large contused wounds, one on the fore, and an-
other on the hinder part of my head, which seemed
to he occasioned by the same weapon, namely, the
butt-end of a pistol. I looked towards the sea, hut
could discern no remains of the ship, so that I con-
eluded she was gone to pieces, and that those who
remained in her had perished. But, as I afterwards
learned, the gunner, who had more sagacity than
Crampley, observing that it was flood when he left
her, and that she would probably float at high water,
made no noise about getting on shore, but continued
[158]
TERRIFIED RUSTICS
on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some bar-
hour, after the commander should have deserted her;
for which piece of service he expected, no doubt, to
be handsomely rewarded. This scheme he accord-
ingly executed, and was promised great things by
the Admiralty for saving his Majesty's ship; but I
never heard he reaped the fruits of his expectation.
As for my own part, I directed my course towards a
small cottage I perceived, and, in the road, picked
up a seaman's old jacket, which I suppose the thief
who dressed himself in my clothes had thrown away;
this was a very comfortable acquisition to me, who
was almost stiff with cold. I therefore put it on, and
as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which had
left off bleeding, burst out afresh; so that, finding
myself excessively exhausted, I was about to lie down
in the fields, when I discovered a barn on my left
hand, within a few yards of me. Thither I made
shift to stagger, and finding the door open, went in,
hut saw nobody; however, I threw myself upon a
truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved by some
person or other. I had not lain here many minutes,
when I saw a countryman come in with a pitchfork in
his hand, which he was upon the point of thrusting into
the straw that concealed me, and, in all probability,
would have done my business, had I not uttered a
dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to
speak. This melancholy note alarmed the clown,
who started back, and discovering a body all be-
smeared with blood, stood trembling, with the pitch-
fork extended before him, his hair bristling up, his
eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide
[159]
RODERICK RANEOM
open. At another time I should have been much
diverted by this figure, which preserved the same
attitude very near ten minutes; during which time
I made many unsuccessful efforts to implore his com-
passion and assistance, but my tongue failed me, and
my language was only a repetition of groans. At
length an old man arrived, who, seeing the other in
such a posttire, cried, " Mercy upon en! the leaad^s
bewitched;—why, Dick, beest thou besayd thyself? "
Dick, without moving his eyes from the object that
terrified him, replied, "O, vather! vather! here be
either the devil or a dead mon! I doafft know which
o' en, but a groans woundily." The father, whose
eyesight was none of the best, pulled out his spectacles,
and having applied them to his nose, reconnoitred
me over his soffs shoulder; but no sooner did he be-
hold me, than he was seized with a fit of shaking, even
more violent than Dick^ and, with a broken accent,
addressed me thus : " In the name of the Vather, Zun,
and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been Satan, to
be gone to the Red Zea; but an you be a murdered
man, speak, that you may have a christom burial."
As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this
particular, he repeated his conjuration to no pur-
pose; and they continued a good while in the
agonies of fear.
At length the father proposed that the son should
draw nearer, and take a more, distinct view of the
apparition; but Dick was of opinion, that his father
should advance first, as being an old man past his
labour, and if he received any mischief the loss would
be the smaller; whereas he himself might escape, and
[160]
BANDIED FROM DOOR TO DOOR
be useful in his generation. This prudential reason
had no effect upon the senior, who still kept Dick
between me and him. In the meantime, I endeav-
cured to raise one hand as a signal of distress, but
had only strength sufficient to produce a rustling
among the straw, which discomposed the young peas-
ant so much, that he sprung out at the door, and
overthrew his father in his flight. The old gentle-
man would not spend time in getting up, but crawled
backwards like a crab, with great speed, till he had
got over the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all the
way. I was exceedingly mortified to find myself in
danger of perishing through the ignorance and cow-
ardice of these clowns, and felt my spirits decay apace,
when an old woman entered the bam, followed by
the two fugitives, and with great intrepidity advanced
to the place where I lay, saying," If it be the devil I
fear en not, and for a dead mon, a can do us no
harm." When she saw my condition, she cried.
Here be no devil, but in youren foofs head. Here
be a poor miserable wretch, bleeding to death, and
if a dies, we must be at the charge of burying him;
therefore, Dick, go vetch the old wheel-barrow, and
put en in, and carry en to good man Hodge^s back
door; he is more able than we to lay out money
upon poor vagrants."
Her advice was taken, and immediately put in exe-
cution. I was rolled to the other farmer's door, where
I was tumbled out like a heap of dung, and would
certainly have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans
had not disturbed the family, and brought some of
them out to view my situation. But Hodge re-
vol. II. —11 [ 161 J
RODERICK RANDOM
setnbled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and
ordered me to be carried to the house of the parson,
whose business it was to practise as well as to preach
charity; observing, that it was sufficient for him to
pay his quota towards the maintenance of the poor
belonging to his own parish. When I was set down
at the vicar's gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and
threatened to excommunicate him who sent, as well
as those who brought me, unless they would move
me immediately to another place. About this time,
I fainted with the fatigue I had undergone, and,
afterwards, understood that I was bandied from door
to door through a whole village, nobody having hu-
manity enough to administer the least relief to me,
until an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft
by the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, re-
ceived me into her house, and having dressed my
wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her
own preparing. I was treated with great care and
tenderness by this grave matron, who, after I had
recovered some strength, desired to know the par-
ticulars of my last disaster. This piece of satisfaction
I could not refuse to one who had saved my life;
therefore related all my adventures, without exaggera-
tion or reserve. She seemed surprised at the vicissi-
tudes I had undergone, and drew a happy presage of
my future life from my past sufferings; then launched
out into the praise of adversity with so much ardour
and good sense, that I concluded she was a person who
had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire
to hear her story. She perceived my drift by some
words I dropped, and smiling, told me, there was
[162]
THE WITCH'S STORY
nothing either entertaining or extraordinary in the
course of her fortune; but, however, she would com-
municate it to me, in consideration of the confidence
I had reposed in her. " It is of little consequence,"
said she, " to tell the names of my parents, who are
dead many years ago; let it suflSce to assure you, they
were wealthy, and had no other child than me; so
that I was looked upon as heiress to a considerable
estate, and teased with addresses on that accoimt.
Among the number of my admirers, there was a
young gentleman of no fortune, whose sole depend-
ence was on his promotion in the army, in which at
that time he bore a lieutenant's commission. I con-
ceived an affection for this amiable officer, which, in
a short time, increased to a violent passion, and,
without entering into minute circumstances, married
him privately. We had not enjoyed one another
long, in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with
his regiment to Flanders; but, before he set out,
it was agreed between us, that he should declare
our marriage to my father by letter, and implore
his pardon for the step we had taken without his
approbation. This discovery was made while I was
abroad visiting; and just as I was about to retimi
home, I received a letter from my father, importing,
that since I had acted so undutifuUy and meanly as
to marry a beggar, without his privity or consent, to
the disgrace of his family, as well as the disappoint-
ment of his hopes, he renounced me to the miserable
fate I had entailed on myself, and charged me never
to set foot within his doors again. This rigid sen-
tence was confirmed by my mother, who, in a post»
[163]
EODEEICK RANDOM
scnpt, gave me to imderstand, that her sentiments
were exactly conformable to those of my father, and
that I might save myself the trouble of making any
applications, for her resolutions were unalterable.
Thunderstruck with my evil fortune, I called a coach,
and drove to my husband^s lodgings, where I found
him waiting the event of his letter. Though he
could easily divine, by my looks, the issue of his
declaration, he read with great steadiness the epistle
I had received; and, with a smile full of tenderness,
which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying, ' I
believe the good lady, your mother, mi^t have spared
herself the trouble of the last part of her postscript.
Well, my dear Betty, you must lay aeide all thoughts
of a coach, tiU I can procure the command qf a regi-
ment.^ This unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled
me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same
time endeared him to me the more, by convincing
me of his disinterested views in espousing me. I was
next day boarded in company with the wife of
another officer, who had long been the fiiend fuid
confidant of my husband, at a village not far from
London, where they parted with us in the most melt-
ing manner, went to Flanders, and were killed in
sight of one another, at the battle of- the Wood.
Why should I tire you with a description of our un-
utterable sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the
remembrance of which now fills my aged eyes with
tears! When our grief subsided a little, and reflec-
tion came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by
the whole world, and in danger of perishing by want;
. whereupon, we made application for the pension, and
[ 164 ]
GOES INTO SERVICE
were put upon the list. Then, vowing eternal friend-
ship, sold our jewels and superfluous clothes, retired
to this place, which is in the county of Sussex, bought
this little house, where we lived many years in a
solitary manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, till
it pleased Heaven to call away my companion two
years ago; since which time I have lingered out an
unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when
I promise myself the eternal reward of aU my cares.
In the meantime,** continued she," I must inform you
of the character I bear among the neighboiu^; — My
conversation being different fiom that of the inhab-
itants of the village, my recluse way of life, my skill
in curing distempers, which I acquired from books
since I settled here — and lastly, my age, have made
the common people look upon me as something pre-
tematmral, and I am actually at this hour believed
to be a witch. The parson of the parish, whose
acquaintance I have not been at much pains to culti-
vate, taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, has
contributed not a little towards the confirmation of
this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my preju-
dice among the vulgar, who are also very much scan-
dalised at my entertaining this poor tabby cat, with
the collar about her neck, which was a favourite of
Cy deceased companion.**
The whole behaviour of this venerable person was
so pimitive, innocent, sensible, and humane, that I
contracted a filial respect for her,and begged her
advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as
I was in a condition to act for myself. She dissuaded
me from a design I had formed of travelling to Lon-
[165]
RODERICK RANDOM
don, in hopes of retrieving my clothes and pay, by
returning to my ship, which by this time, I read in
the newspaper, was safely arrived in the river Thames:
" Because," said she, " you run the hazard of being
treated not only as a deserter in quitting the sloop,
but also as a mutineer in assaulting your commanding
officer, to the malice of whose revenge you will more-
over be exposed." She then promised to recommend
me as a servant to a single lady of her acquaintance,
who lived in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who
was a young fox-hunter of great fortune, where I
might be very happy, provided I coiJd bear the dis-
position and manners of my mistress, which were
somewhat whimsical and particular. But, above all
things, she counselled me to conceal my story, the
knowledge of which would effectually poison my
entertainment; for it was a maxim among most
people of condition, that no gentleman in distress
ought to be admitted into a family as a domestic,
lest he become proud, lazy, and insolent. I was fain
to embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs
were desperate; and in a few days was hired by this
lady, to serve in quality of her footman ; having been
represented by my hostess as a young man who was
bred up to the sea by his relations against his will,
and had suffered shipwreck, which had increased his
disgust to that way of life so much, that he rather
chose to go into service on shore, than enter himself
on board of any other ship. Before I took posses-
sion of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my
mistress's character, that I might know better how
to regulate my conduct. " Your lady," said she, " is
[166J
GOES INTO SERVICE
a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable for hei
beauty, as her learning and taste, which is famous all
over the country. Indeed she is a perfect female
virtuoso; and so eager after the pursuit of knowledge,
that she neglects her person even to a degree of
sluttishness; this negligence, together with her con-
tempt of the male part of the creation, gives her
nephew no great concern, as by these means he will
probably keep her fortune, which is considerable, in
the family. He therefore permits her to live in her
own way, which is something extraordinary, and
gratifies her in all her whimsical desires. Her apart-
ment is at some distance from the other inhabited
parts of the house, and consist of a dining-room,
bed-chamber, and study. She keeps a cook-maid,
waiting-woman, and footman of her own; and seldom
eats or converses with any of the family but her niece,
who is a very lovely creature, and humours her aunt
often to the prejudice of her own health, by sitting
up with her whole nights together; for your mistress
is too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the
customs of the world, and never sleeps or eats like
other people. Among other odd notions, she pro-
fesses the principles of Rosicrucius; and believes
the earth, air, and sea are inhabited by invisible
beings, with whom it is possible for the human
species to entertain correspondence and intimacy, on
the easy condition of living chaste. As she hopes
one day to be admitted into an acquaintance of this
kind, she no sooner heard of me and my cat, than
she paid me a visit, with a view, as she has since
owned, to be introduced to my familiar, and was
[167]
RODERICK RANDOM
greatly mortified to find herself disappointed in her
expectation. Being, by this visionary turn of mind,
abstracted as it were from the world, she cannot
advert to the common occurrences of hfe; and there-
fore is frequently so absent, as to commit very
strange mistakes and extravagances, which you will
do well to rectify and repair as your prudence shall
suggest."
1168 J
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
MY EECEraON BY THAT EADY 1 BECOME ENAMOUEED
OF NABCISSA RECODNT THE PARTICOLABS OF MY
LAST MISFOBTUME ACQUIKE THE GOOD OPINION
OF . MY MISTRESS AN ACCOUNT OF THE YOUNG
SaUIRE 1 AM MADE ACQUAINTED WITH MORE
PARTICULAR OF NARCISSA'S SITUATION CONCEIVE
A MORTAL HATRED AGAINST SIR TIMOTHY
EXAMINE MY LADY'S LIBRARY AND PERFORMANCES
HER EXTRAVAGANT BEHAVIOUR.
Fraught with these useful instructions,
I repaired to the place of her habitation,
and was introduced by the waiting-woman
to the presence of my lady, who had not
before seen me. She sat in her study, with one foot
on the ground, and the other upon a high stool at
some distance from her seat; her sandy locks hung
down in a disorder I cannot call beautiful, from her
head, which was deprived of its coif, for the benefit
of scratching with one hand, while she held the
stump of a pen in the other. Her forehead was
high and wrinkled; her eyes were large, grey, and
prominent; her nose was long, sharp, and aquiline;
her mouth of vast capacity; her visage meagre and
freckled, and her chin peaked like a shoemaker^s
paring knife; her upper lip contained a large quantity
of plain Spanish, which, by continual falling, had
[169]
RODERICK RANDOM
embroidered her neck, that was not naturally very
white; and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose
about her with a negligence truly poetic, discovering
linen that was very fine, and to all appearance never
washed but in Castalian streams. Around her lay
heaps of books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and
other learned apparatus. Her snuff-box stood at her
right hand; at her left hand lay her handkerchief,
sufficiently used; and a convenience to spit in appeared
on one side of her chair. She being in a reverie
when we entered, the maid did not think proper to
disturb her; so that we waited some minutes un-
observed, during which time she bit the quill several
times, altered her position, made many wry faces, and
at length, with an air of triumph, repeated aloud,
Nor dare the immortal gods my rage oppose.
Having committed her success to paper, she turned
towards the door, and,perceiving us,cried, " What's
the matter —" Here's the young man," replied my
conductress, "whom Mrs, Sagely recommended as
a footman to your ladyship," On this information
she stared in my face a considerable time, and then
asked my name, which I thought proper to conceal
under that of John Brown, After having surveyed
me with a curious eye, she broke out into, " O! ay,
thou wast shipwrecked, I remember. Whether didst
thou come on shore on the back of a whale or a
dolphin ? " To this I answered, I had swam ashore
without any assistance, — Then she demanded to
know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, and swam
^ from Sestos to Abydos, I replied in the negative.
[170]
ENAMOURED OF NARCISSA
Upon which she bade the maid order a suit of new
livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of my
duty. So sa3dng, she spit in her snuff-box, and
wiped her nose with her cap, which lay on the table
instead of a handkerchief. We returned to the
kitchen, where I was regaled by the maids, who
seemed to vie with each other in expressing their
regard for me; and from them I understood that my
business consisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying
the cloth, waiting at table, carrying messages, and
attending my lady when she went abroad. There
was a very good suit of livery in the house, which had
belonged to my predecessor, deceased, and it fitted
me exactly; so that there was no occasion for employ-.
ing a tailor on my account. I had not long been
equipped in this manner, when my lady's bell rung;
upon which I ran upstairs, and foimd her stalking
about the room in her shift and under petticoat
only; I would have immediately retired as became
me, but she bade me come in, and air a clean shift
for her; which operation I having performed with
some backwardness, she put it on before me without
any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant of
my sex all that time, as being quite absorbed in con- •
templation. About four o'clock in the afternoon, I
was ordered to lay the cloth, and place two covers,
which I imderstood were for my mistress and her
niece, whom I had not as yet seen.
Though I was not very dexterous at this work, I
performed it pretty well for a beginner; and, when
dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress approach,
accompanied by the young lady, whose name, for
[171]
RODERICK RANDOM
the present, shall be Narcissa. So much sweetness
appeared in the countenance and carriage of this
amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated at
first sight, and, while dinner lasted, I gazed upon
her without intermission. Her age seemed to be
seventeen, her stature tall, her shape unexception-
able; her hair, that fell down upon her ivory neck in
ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the
same colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips
of the consistence and hue of cherries; her complex-
ion clear, delicate, and healthy; her aspect noble,
ingenuous, and humane; and the whole person so
ravishingly delightful, that it was impossible for
any creature endued with sensibility, to see without
admiring, and admire without loving her to excess!
I began to curse the servile station that placed me
so fat beneath the regard of this idol of my adora-
tion < and yet I blessed my fate, that enabled me to
enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection { When
she spoke, I listened with pleasure; but when she
spoke to me, my soul was thrilled with an ecstasy of
tumultuous joy! I was even so happy as to be the
subject of their conversation. For Narcissa having
observed me, said to her aunt, " I see your new foot-
man is come.'" Then addressing herself to me, asked
with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who
had been so cruelly used by robbers ? When I satis-
fied her in this, she expressed a desire of knowing
the other particulars of my fortune, both before and
since my being shipwrecked. Hereupon (as Mrs.
Sagely had counselled me) I told her tiiat I had been
bound apprentice to the master of a ship, contrary.
[1721
SIR TIMOTHY THICKET
to my inclination, which ship had foundered at sea;
that I and four more, who chanced to be on deck
when she went down, made shift to swim to the
shore, when my companions, after having over-
powered me, stripped me to the shirt, and left
me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received
in my own defence. Then I related the circum-
stances of my being found in a bam, with the
inhuman treatment I met with from the country
people and parson; the description of which, I per-
ceived,drew tears from the charming creature's eyes!
When I had finished my recital, my mistress said,
" Ma foi! U gar^on est bien fait!" To which opin-
ion Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my
understanding in the same language, that flattered
my vanity extremely.
The conversation, among other subjects, turned
upon the young squire, whom my lady inquired after
under the title of the Savage; and was informed by
her niece, that he was still in bed, repairing the
fatigue of last night's debauch, and recruiting
strength and spirits to undergo a fox-chase to-
morrow morning, in company with Sir Timothy
Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many other
gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited
on that occasion; so that, by daybreak, the whole
house would be in sm uproar. This was a very disa-
greeable piece of news to the virtuoso, who protested
she would stuff her ears vdth cotton when she went
to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep
the more sound, that she might not be distiubed and
distracted by the clamour of the brutes.
[ 173 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
When their dinner was over, I and my fellow-
servants sat down to ours in the kitchen, where I
understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy
knight in the neighbourhood, between whom and
Narcissa a match had been projected by her brother,
who promised at the same time to espouse Sir
Timothy's sister; by which means, as their fortunes
were pretty equal, the young ladies would be pro-
vided for, and their brothers be never the poorer;
but that the ladies did not concur in the scheme,
each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the
person allotted to her for a husband by this agree-
ment. This information begat in me a mortal
aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as
my rival, and cursed in my heart for his presump-
tion. Next morning, by daybreak, being awakened
by the noise of the hunters and hounds, I arose to
view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my competi-
tor, whose accomplishments, the estate excluded, did
not seem brilliant enough to give me much uneasi-
ness with respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself,
was not to be won by such qualifications as he was
master of, either as to person or mind. My mistress,
notwithstanding her precaution, was so much dis-
timbed by her nephew's company, that she did not
rise till five o'clock in the afternoon; so that I had
an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to
which examination I was strongly prompted by my
curiosity. Here I found a thousand scraps of her
own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and
twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as
whim inspired, she had begun, without constancy or
[TO]
THE LADY'S ODD FANCIES
capacity to bring to any degree of composition. But,
what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there
was not the least mention made of love in any
of her performances. I counted fragments of five
tragedies, the titles of which were, "The Stem
Philosopher" — "The Double Muider" — "The
Sacrilegious Traitor" — "The Fall of Lucifer" —
and "The Last Day." From whence I gathered,
that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagina-
tion delighted with objects of horror. Her library |
was composed of the best English historians, poets,
and philosophers; of all the French critics and
poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry,
at the head of which were Tasso and Ariosto,
pretty much used. Besides these, translations of
the classics into French, but not one book in Greek
or Latin; a circumstance that discovered her igno-
ranee in these languages. After having taken a full
view of this collection, I retired, and, at the usual
time, was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was
told by the maid that her mistress was still in bed,
and had been so affected with the notes of the
hounds in the morning, that she actually. believed
herself a hare beset by the hunters; and begged a
few greens to munch for breakfast. When I
expressed my surprise at this una.ccountable imag-
ination, she gave me to understand, that her lady
was very much subject to whims of this nature;
sometimes fancying herself an animal, sometimes a
piece of fumitvue, during which conceited transfer-
mations it was very dangerous to come near her,
especially when she represented a beast; for that,
[175]
RODERICK RANDOM
Jately, in the character of a cat, she ha<J flown at
her, and scratched her face in a terrible manner;
that, some months ago, she prophesied the general
conflagration was at hand, and nothing would be
able to quench it but her water, which, therefore,
she kept so long that her life was in danger; and
she must needs have died of the retention, h^ they
not found an expedient to make her evacuate, by
kindling a bonfire under her chamber window, and
persuading her that the house was in flames; upon
which, with great deliberation, she bade them bring
all the tubs and vessels they could find, to be filled,
for the preservation of the house, into one,of which
she immediately discharged the cause of her dis-
temper. I was also informed, that nothing con-
tributed so much to the recovery of her reason as
music, which was always administered on those occa-
sions by Narcissa, who played perfectly well on the
harpsichord, and to whom she, the maid, was just
then going to intimate her aunt^s disorder. She was
no sooner gone than I was summoned by tlie bell to
my lady^s chamber, where I found her sitting squat
on her hams on the floor, in the manner of puss
when she listens to -the outcries of her pursuers.
When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed
look, and sprung to the other side of the room to
avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for
a beagle thirsting after her life. Perceiving ha*
extreme confusion, I retired, and, on the staircase,
met the adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I
imparted the situation of my mistress. She said
not a word, but, smiling with unspeakable geaee,
[176]
THE LADY'S ODD FANCIES
went into her aunt's apartment, and in a little time
my ears were ravished with the effects of her skill.
She accompanied the instrument with a voice so
sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the
surprising change it produced oa the spirits of my
mistress, which were soon composed to peace and
sober reflection.
About seven o'clock the hunters arrived, with the
skins of two foxes and one badger, carried before
them as trophies of their success.' And, when they
were about to sit down to dinner, or supper. Sir
Timothy Thicket desired that Narcissa would
honour the table with her presence. But this
request, notwithstanding her brother's threats and
entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her
aunt, who was indisposed; so I enjoyed the satis-
faction of seeing my rival mortified. But this
disappointment made no great impression on him,
who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the
whole company became so enamoured, that, after a
most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing,
dancing, and fighting, they were all carried to bed
in a state of utter oblivion. My duty being alto-
gether detached from the squire and his family, I led
a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily
intoxicating draughts of love from the charms of
Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation
every day more and more. Inglorious as my station
was, I became blind to my own unworthiness, and
even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amia-
ble creature, whose affability greatly encouraged
these presumptuous thoughts.
VOL. 11.-12 [177]
CHAPTER FORTY
Mr MISTRESS IS SURPRISED AT MY LEARNIKO COM*
MUNICATES HER PERFORMANCES TO ME 1 IMPART
SOME OF MINE TO HER AM MORTIFIED AT HER
FAINT PRAISE NARCISSA APPROVES OF MY CON-
DUCT 1 GAIN AN INVOLUNTARY CONQUEST OVER
THE COOK-MAID AND DAIRY-MAID THEIR MUTUAL
RESENTMENT AND INSINUATIONS THE JEALOUSY
OF THEIR LOVERS.
During this season of love and tran-
quillity, my muse, which had lain
dormant so long, awoke, and pro-
duced several small performances on
the subject of my flame; but, as it concerned me
nearly to remain imdiscovered in my real character
and sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortify-
ing my desire of praise, by conflning my works to
my own perusal and applause. In the meantime I
strove to insinuate myself into the good opinion of
both ladies; and succeeded so well, by my diligence
and dutiful behaviour, that, in a little time, I was at
least a favourite servant; and frequently enjoyed the
pleasure of hearing myself mentioned in French and
Italian, with some degree of warmth and surprise, by
the dear object of all my wishes, as a person who had
so much of the gentleman in my appearance and dis*
[178]
A LEARNED FOOTMAN
course, that she could not for her soul treat me like
a common lacquey. My prudence and modesty were
not long proof against these bewitching compliments.
One day, while I waited at dinner, the conversation
turned upon a knotty passage of Tasso's Jerusalem,
which, it seems, had puzzled them both. After a
great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress,
taking the book out of her pocket, turned up the
place in question, and read the sentence over and
over without success; at length, despairing of find-
ing the author's meaning, she turned to me, saying,
" Come hither, Bruno, let us see what fortune will do
for us; I will interpret to thee what goes before and
what follows this obscure paragraph, the particular
words of which I will also explain, that thou mayest,
by comparing one with another, guess the sense of
that which perplexes us." I was too vain to let slip
this opportunity of displa3ring my talents, therefore,
without hesitation, read and explained the whole of
that which had disconcerted them, to the utter
astonishment of both. Narcissa's face and lovely
neck were overspread with blushes, from which I
drew a favoxuable omen, while her aunt, after having
stared at me a good while with a look of amaze-
ment, exclaimed, " In the name of Heaven! who art
thou ? " I told her I had picked up a smattering of
Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At this
explanation she shook her head, and observed, that
no smatterer could read as I had done. She then
desired to know if I understood French ? To which
question I answered in the affirmative. She asked,
if I was acquainted with Latin and Greek? I
[179]
RODERICK RANDOM
replied, "A little."—"Oho!" continued she, "and
with philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?" I
owned I knew something of each. Then she repeated
her stare and interrogation. I began to repent my
vanity, and, in order to repair the fault I had com-
mitt^, said, it was not to be wondered at if I had a
tolerable education, for learning was so cheap in my
country, that every peasant was a scholar; but I
hoped her ladyship would think my understanding
no exception to my character. She was pleased to
answer, " No, no, God forbid." But during the rest
of the time they sat at table, they behaved with
remarkable reserve.
This alteration gave me great imeasiness; and I
passed the night without sleep, in melancholy reflec-
tions on the vanity of young men, which prompts
them to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to
their own sober judgment. Next day, however,
instead of profiting by this self-condemnation, I
yielded still more to the dictates of the principle I
had endeavoured to chastise, and, if fortune had not
beftiended me more than prudence could expect, I
should have been treated with the contempt it
deserved. After breakfast, my lady, who was a
true author, bade me follow her into the study,
where she expressed herself thus: "Since you are
so learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore
I am to desire your opinion of a small performance
in poetry, which I lately composed. You must
know I have planned a tragedy, the subject of
which shall be the murder of a prince before the
alfar, where he is busy at his devotions. After
[180]
HER LADYSHIP'S POETRY
tihe deed is perpetrated, the regicide will harangue
the people with the bloody dagger in his hand; and
1 have already composed a speech, which I think
will suit the character extremely; here it is." Then
taking up a scrap of paper, she read with violent
emphasis and gesture, as follows: —
Thus have I sent the simple king to hell.
Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell;
To me what are divine and human laws ?
I court no sanction but my own applause i
Rapes, robbVies, treasons, yield my soul delight;
And human carnage gratifies my sight:
I drag the parent by the hoary hair, >
And toss the sprawling infant on my spear, ?
While the fond mother's cries regale mine ear,)
I fight, 1 vanquish, murder fiiends and foes:
Nor dare th' immortal gods my rage oppose.
Though I did great violence to my understanding
in praising this unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless
extolled it as a production that of itself deserved
immortal fame; and besought her ladyship to bless
the world with the fruits of those uncommon talents
HeaVen had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a
look of self-complacency, and, encouraged by the
incense I had offered, communicated sdl her poetical
works, which I applauded one by one, with as little
candour as I had shown at first. Satiated with my
flattery, which, I hope, my situation justified, she
could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity
shining in my turn; and, therefore, after a compli-
ment to my nice discernment and taste, observed,
that, doubtless, I must have produced something in
that way fnysel^ which she desired to see. This was
[181 J
RODERICK RANDOM
a temptation I could by no means resist. I owned,
that, while I was at college, I wrote some small
detached pieces, at the desire of a friend who was
in love, and at her request repeated the following
verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had
inspired: —
ON CELIA,
FLATIXa OX THE HARPSICHORD AXD SDTGIXO.
When Sappho struck the quiv'ring wire.
The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And, when she rais'd the vocal lay.
The captive soul was charm'd away.
But had the nymph possessed with these.
Thy softer, chaster power to please:
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth.
Thy native smiles of artless truth;
The worm of grief had never prey'd
On the forsaken love-sick maid :
Nor had she mourn'd an hapless flame.
Nor dash'd on rocks her tender frame.
My mistress paid me a cold compliment on my
versification, which, she said, was elegant enough, but
the subject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was
extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked at
Narcissa, who by this time had joined us, for her
approbation ; but she declined giving her opinion,
protesting she was no judge of these matters; so that
I was forced to retire, very much balked in my ex-
pectation, which was generally a little too sanguine.
In the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured
me that Narcissa had expressed her approbation of
my performance with great warmth, and desired her
to procure a copy of it, as for herself that she (Nar-
[ 182 ]
A DOUBLE CONQUEST
cissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at
pleasure. I was elated to an extravagant pitch at
this intelligence, and immediately transcribed a fair
copy of my ode, which was carried to the dear
charmer, together with another on the same subject,
as follows: —
Thy fatal shafts unerring move,
I bow before thine altar. Love!
1 feel thy soft resistless flame
Glide swift through all my vital frame I
For whUe I gaze, my bosom glows.
My blood in tides impetuous flows ;
Hope, fear, and joy dtemate roll.
And floods of transport whelm my soul!
My falFring tongue attempts in vain.
In soothing murmurs to complain ;
My tongue some secret magic ties.
My murmurs sink in broken sighs t
Condemned to nurse eternal care.
And ever drop the silent tear.
Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh,
Unhiended live, unpity'd die !
Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I
could not leam from her behaviour, which, though
always benevolent to me, was henceforth more re-
served and less cheerful. While my thoughts as-
pired to a sphere so far above me, I had unwittingly
made a conquest of the cook-wench and dairy-maid,
who became so jealous of each other, that, if their
sentiments had been refined by education, it is prob-
able one or other of them would have had recourse
to poison or steel to be avenged of her rival; but
as their minds were happily adapted to their humble
[183]
RODERICK RANDOM
station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding
and fisty-cuffs, in which exercises they were both
well skilled. My good fortune did not long remain
a secret; for it was disclosed by the frequent broils
of these heroines, who kept no decorum in their en-
counters. The coachman and gardener, who paid
their devoirs to my admirers, each to his respective
choice, alarmed at my success, laid their heads to-
gether, in order to concert a plan of revenge; and
the former having been educated at the aceidemy at
Tottenham Court, undertook to challenge me to
single combat. He accordingly, with many oppro-
brious invectives, bade me defiance, and offered to
box me for twenty guineais. I told him, that,
although I believed myself a match for him, even
at that work, I would not descend so far below the
dignity of a gentleman as to fight like a porter; but
if he had anything to say to me, I was his man at
blunderbuss, musket, pistol, sword, hatchet, spit,
cleaver, fork, or needle; nay, I swore, that, should
he give his tongue any more saucy liberties at my
expense, I would crop his ears without any ceremony.
This rhodomontade, delivered with a stern counten-
ance and resolute tone, had the desired effect upon
my antagonist, who, with some confusion, sneaked
off, and gave his friend an account of his reception.
The story taking air among the servants, procured
for me the title of Gentleman John, with which I
was sometimes honoured, even by my mistress and
Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair
by the chambermaid- In the meantime, the rival
queans expressed their passion by all the ways in
[181]
A DOUBLE CONQUEST
their power; the cook entertained me with choice
hits, the dairy-maid with stroakings; the first would
often encourage me to discover myself by compliment-
ing me upon my courage and learning, and observing,
that if she had a husband like me, to maintain order,
and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of
money by setting up an eating-house at London, for
gentlemen''s servants on board wages. The other
courted my affection, by showing her own import-
ance, and telling me, that many a substantial farmer
in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her;
hut she was resolved to please her eye, if she should
plague her heart. Then she would launch out into
the praise of my proper person, and say, she was sure
I would make a good husband, for I was very good-
natured. I began to be uneasy at the importunities
of these inamoratas, whom at another time, perhaps,
I might have pleased without the disagreeable sauce
of matrimony; but at present my whole soul was
engrossed by Narcissa, and I could not bear the
thoughts of doing anything derogatory of the passion
I entertained for her.
[185]
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
NABCISSA BEING IN DAN6EB FROM THE BRUTALnT OF
SIR TIMOTHY, IS RESCUED BY ME, WHO REVENGE
MYSELF ON MY RIVAL 1 DECLARE MY PASSION,
AND RETREAT TO THE SEA-SIDE AM SURROUNDED
BY SMUGGLERS, AND CARRIED TO BOULOGNE
FIND MY UNCLE, LIEUTENANT BOWLING, IN GREAT
DISTRESS, AND RELIEVE HIM OUR CONVERSATION.
T certain intervals, my ambition would
revive; I would despise myself for my
I ^ tame resignation to my sordid fate, and
^ jL. revolve an hundred schemes for assuming
the character of a gentleman, to which I thought
myself entitled hy hirth and education. In these
finitless suggestions time stole away unperceived,
and I had already remained eight months in the
station of a footman, when an accident happened
that put an end to my servitude, and for the present
banished all hopes of succeeding in my love.
Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who
lived with her brother, within less than a mile of our
house, and was persuaded to walk home in the cool
of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who
having a good deal of the brute in him, was instigated
to use some unbecoming familiarities with her, en-
couraged by the solitariness of a field through which
£186]
SIR TIMOTHY'S BRUTALITY
they passed. The lovely creature was incensed at
his rude behaviour, for which she reproached him in
such a manner, that he lost all regard to decency, and
actually offered violence to this pattern of innocence
and beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so much
goodness to be violated; and sent me, who, passing
by accident near the place, was alarmed with her
cries, to her succour. What were the emotions of
my soul when I beheld Narcissa, almost sinking
beneath the brutal force of this satyr 1 I flew like
lightning to her rescue, and he, perceiving me, quitted
his prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my pre-
sumption. My indignation was too high to admit
one thought of fear: so that, rushing upon him, I
struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my
cudgel so successfully, that he fell to the ground, and
lay, to all appearance, without sense. Then I turned
to Narcissa, who had swooned, and sitting down by
her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my
bosom, while, with my hand around her waist, I kept
her in that position. My soul was thrilled with
tumultuous joy at feeling the object of my dearest
wishes within my arms; and while she lay insensible,
I could not refrain from applying my cheek to hers,
and ravishing a kiss. In a little time, the blood
began to revisit her face; she opened her enchanting
eyes, and having recollected her late situation, said,
with a look full of tender acknowledgment, Dear
John, I am eternally obliged to you!" So saying,
she made an eflbrt to rise, in which I assisted her, and
she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the
way. I was a thousand times tempted by this
.[187]
RODERICK RANDOM
opportunity to declare my passion, but the dread of
disobliging her restrained my tongue.
We had not moved ahundred paces from the scene
of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy rise and
walk homeward; a circumstance, which, though it
gave me some satisfaction, inasmuch as I thereby
knew I had not killed him, filled me with just appre-
hension of his resentment, which I found myself in
no condition to withstand; especially when I con-
sidered his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew
he could justify himself for what he had done, by
imputing it to his love, and desiring his brother
Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, with-
out any fear of offence. When we arrived at the
house, Narcissa assured me, she would exert all her
influence in protecting me from the revenge of
Thicket, and likewise engage her aunt in my favour.
At the same time, pulling out her purse, offered it
as a small consideration for the service I had done
her. But I stood too much upon the punctilios of
love, to incur the least suspicion of being mercenary,
and refused the present, by sa3dng, I had merited
nothing by barely doing my duty. She seemed
astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed: I
felt the same suffusion, and, with a downcast eye and
broken accent, told her, I had one request toi make,
which if her generosity would grant, I should think
myself fully recompensed for an age of misery. She
changed colour at this preamble, and, with great
confusion, replied, she hoped my good sense would
hinder me from asking anything she was bound in
honour to refuse, and therefore bade me signify my
[188]
Roderick declares himself to Narcissa
MRS. SAGELY'S ADVICE
desire. Upon which I kneeled, and begged to kiss
her hand. She immediately, with an averted look,
stretched it out; I imprinted on it an ardent kiss,
and bathing it with my tears, cried, " Dear Madam,
I am an unfortunate gentleman, and love you to
distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths
rather than make this declaration under such a servile
appearance, were I not determined to yield to the
rigour of my fate, to fly from your bewitching pres-
ence, and bury my presumptuous passion in eternal
silence." With these words I rose and went away,
before she could recover her spirits so far as to make
any reply.
My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely,
with whom I had maintained a friendly correspon-
dence ever since I left her house. When she under-
stood my situation, the good woman, with real concern,
condoled me on my unhappy fate, and approved of
my resolution to leave the country, as being perfectly
well acquainted with the barbarous disposition of my
rival, " who by this time," said she, " has no doubt
meditated a scheme of revenge. Indeed I cannot see
how you will be able to elude his vengeance; being
himself in the commission, he will immediately grant
warrants for apprehending you; and as almost all
the people in this county are dependent on him or
his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter
among them. If you should be apprehended, he will
commit you to jail, where you may possibly languish
in great misery till the next assizes, and then be
transported for assaulting a magistrate." While she
thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking
[189]
RODERICK RANDOM
at the door, which threw us both into consternation,
as, in all probability, it was occasioned by my pur-
suers: whereupon this generous old lady, putting
two guineas into my hand, with, tears in her eyes,
bade me for God''s sake to get out at the back door,
and consult my safety as Providence should direct me.
There was no time for deliberation. I followed her
advice, and escaped by the benefit of a dark night to
the sea-side, where, while I ruminated on my next
excursion, I was all of a sudden surrounded by armed
men, who, having bound my hands and feet, bade me
make no noise, on pain of being shot, and carried me
on board of a vessel, which I soon perceived to be a
smuggling cutter. This discovery gave me some sat-
isfaction at first, because I concluded myself safe from
the resentment of Sir Timothy. But when I found
myself in the hands of ruffians, who threatened to
execute me for a spy, I would have thought myself
happily quit for a year's imprisonment, or even trans-
portation. It was in vain for me to protest my inno-
cence. I could not persuade them that I had taken
a solitary walk to their haunt, at such an hour,
merely for my own amusement; and I did not think
it my interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat,
because I was afraid they would have made their
peace with justice, by surrendering me to the penalty
of the law. What confirmed their suspicion was, the
appearance of a custom-house yacht, which gave them
chase, and had well-nigh made a prize of the vessel;
when they were delivered from their fears by a thick
fog, which effectually screened them, and favoured
their arrival at Boulogne. But before they got out
[190 1
CARRIED OFF BY SMUGGLERS
of sight of their pursuer, they held a council of war
about me; and some of the most ferocious among
them would have thrown me overboard, as a traitor
who had betrayed them to their enemies; but others,
more considerate, alleged, that, if they put me to
death, and should afterwards be taken, they could
expect no mercy from the legislature, which would
never pardon outlawry aggravated by murder. It
was therefore determined by a plurality of votes, that
r should be set on shore in France, and left to find
my passage back to England as I should think proper,
this being pimishment sufficient for the bare suspicion
of a crime in itself not capital. Although this fa-
vourable determination gave me great pleasure, the
apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to
he perfectly at ease. To prevent this calamity, as
soon as I was untied, in consequence of the foresaid
decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings,
into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half a
piece and some silver in my pocket, that, finding
something, they might not be tempted to make any
further inquiry. This was a very necessary precau-
tion ; for when we came within sight of the French
shore, one of the smugglers told me, I must pay for
my passage. To this declaration I replied, that my
passage was none of my own seeking; therefore they
could not expect a reward from me for transporting
me into a strange country by force. " D—^me !"
said the outlaw, " none of your palaver; but let me
see what money you have got." So saying, he thrust
his hand into my pocket without any ceremony, and
emptied it of the contents. Then casting an eye at
[191]
RODERICK RANDOM
my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took
them oflF, and clapping his own on my head, declared,
that a fair exchange was no robbery. I was fain to put
up with the bargain, which was by no means favoiu*-
able to me; and a little while after we went all on
shore together.
I resolved to take my leave of these desperadoes
without much ceremony, when one of them cautioned
me against appearing to their prejudice, if ever I re-
turned to England, unless I had a mind to be mur-
dered; for which service, he assured me, the gang
never wanted agents. I promised to observe his ad-
vice, and departed for the Upper Town, where I in-
quired for a cabaret, or public-house, into which I
went, with an intention of taking some refreshment.
In the kitchen, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast,
with a large loaf, a firkin of butter, and a cag of
brandy, the bung of which they often applied to
their mouths with great perseverance and satisfaction.
At some distance from them I perceived another per-
son in the same garb, sitting in a pensive solitary
manner, entertaining himself with a whiff of tobacco,
from the stump of a pipe as black as jet. The ap-
pearance of distress never failed to attract my regard
and compassion. I approached this forlorn tar with
a view to offer him my assistance; and, notwithstand-
ing the alteration of dress, and disguise of a long
beard, I discovered in him my long lost and lamented
uncle and benefactor. Lieutenant Bowling! Good
Heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, be-
tween the joy of finding again such a valuable friend,
and the sorrow of seeing him in such a low condition 1
[192]
DISCOVERS. HIS UNCLE
The tears gushed down my cheeks: I stood motion*
less and silent for some time; at length, recovering
the use of speech, exclaimed, " Gracious God ! Mr.
Bowling!" My uncle no sooner heard his name
mentioned, than he started up, crying with some sur-
prise, " Holloa!" and after having looked at me
steadfastly, without being able to recollect me, said,
" Did you call me, brother ?" I told him I had
something extraordinary to communicate, and desired
him to give me the hearing for a few minutes in an-
other room; but he would by no means consent to
this proposal, saying, " Avast there, friend; none of
your tricks upon travellers; if you have anything to
say to me, do it above board; you need not be afraid
of being overheard; here are none who understand
our lingo."
Though I was loth to discover myself before com-
pany, I could no longer refrain from telling him I
was his own nephew, Roderick Random. On this
information, he considered me with great earnestness
and astonishment, and recalling my features, which,
though enlarged, were not entirely altered since he
had seen me, came up, and shook me by the hand
very cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well.
After some pause, he went on thus: " And yet, my
lad, I am sorry to see you under such coloiu^; the
more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to
change them for the better, times being very hard
with me." With these words, I could perceive a tear
trickle down his finrowed cheeks, which affected me
so much, that I wept bitterly. Imagining my son-ow
was the effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted
VOL. II.—13 [1933
RODERICK RANDOM
me, with observing that life was a voyage in which
we must expect to meet with all weathers; sometimes
it was calm, sometimes rough; that a fair gale often
succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always sit
one way, and that despair signified nothing; but
that resolution and skill were better than a stout
vessel; for why ? because they require no carpenter,
and grow stronger the more labour they undergo. I
dried up my tears, which I assured him were not shed
for my own distress, but for his, and begged leave to
accompany him into another room, where we could
converse more at our ease. There I recounted to him
the ungenerous usage I had met with from Potion;
at which relation he started up, stalked across the
room three or four times in a great hurry, and, grasp-
ing his cudgel, cried, " I would I were alongside of
him — thafs all — I would I were alongside of
him!I then gave him a detail of all my adven-
tures and sufferings, which affected him mora than I
could have imagined; and concluded with telling him
that Captain Oakum was still alive, and that he
might return to England when he would to solicit
his affairs, without danger or molestation.
He was wonderfully pleased with this piece of in-
formation, of which, however, he said he could not at
present avail himself, for want of money to pay his
passage to London. This objection I soon removed,
by putting five guineas into his hand, and telling him,
I thought myself extremely happy in having an op-
portunity of manifesting my gratitude to him in his
necessity. But it was with the utmost difficulty I
could prevail upon him to accept of two, which he
[194]
BOWLING'S ADVENTURES
afRrmed were more than sufficient to defray ths
necessary expense. After this friendly contest was
over, he proposed we should have a mess of some-
thing: '"For," said he, "it has been banyan-day
for me a great while. You must know I was ship-
wrecked five days ago, near a place called Lisieux, in
company with those Dutchmen who are now drinking
below; and having but little money when I came
ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have
share and share while it lasted. Howsomever, I
should have remembered the old saying. Every hog
his own apple : for when they found my hold unstowed,
they went all hands to shooling and begging, and
because I would not take a spell at the same duty,
refused to give me the least assistance; so that I
have not broke bread these two days." I was shocked
at the extremity of his distress, and ordered some
bread, cheese, and wine to be brought immediately,
to allay his hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could
he prepared. When he had recruited his spirits witji
this homely fare, I desired to know the particuh^
of his peregrination, since the accident at Cape
Tiheroon; which were briefly these: the money he
had about him being all spent at Port Louis, the
civility and hospitahty of the French cooled to
such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board
of one of their king's ships as a common foremast
man, to prevent himself from starving on shore. In
this situation he continued two years, during which
time he had acquired some knowledge of their Ian-
guage, and the reputation of a good seaman; the ship
he belonged to was ordered home to France, where
[195]
RODERICK RANDOM
she was laid up, as unfit for service, and he was re-
ceived on board of one of Monsieur D'Antin''s squad-
ron, in quality of quarter-master; which ofRce he
performed in a voyage to the West Indies, where they
engaged with our ship as before related; but his
conscience upbraiding him for serving the enemies
of his country, he quitted the ship at the same place
where he first listed, and got to Curacoa in a
Dutch vessel; there he bargained with a skipper
bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland,
from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his
friends in England; but was cast away, as he men-
tioned before, on the French coast, and must have
been reduced to the necessity of travelling on foot to
Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the road,
or of entering on board of another French man-of-
war, at the hazard of being treated as a deserter, if
Providence had not sent me to his succour. " And
now, my lad," continued he," I think I shall steer my
course directly to London, where I do not doubt of
being replaced, and of having the R taken off me by
the Lords of the Admiralty, to whom I intend to write
a petition, setting forth my case. If I succeed, I shall
have wherewithal to give you some assistance, because,
when I left the ship, I had two years' pay due to me *
therefore I desire to know whither you are bound;
and besides, perhaps, I may have interest enough to
prociue a warrant appointing you surgeon's mate of
the ship to which I shall belong. For the beadle of
the Admiralty is my good fnend; and he and one
of the under clerks are sworn brothers, and that under
derk has a good deal to say with one of the upper
[196]
BOWLING'S EXPECTATIONS
clerks, who is very well known to the under secretary,
who upon his recommendation, I hope will recom-
mend my affair to the first secretary; and he again
will speak to one of the lords in my behalf: so that
you see I do not want friends to assist me on oc-
casion — as for the fellow, Crampley, tho'f I know
him not, I am sure he is neither seaman, nor officer,
by what you have told me, or else he could never be
so much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run the ship
on shore on the coast of Sussex, before he believed
himself in soimdings; neither, when that accident hap-
pened, would he have left the ship until she had been
stove to pieces, especially when the tide was making;
wherefore, by this time, I do suppose he has been
tried by a court-martial, and executed for his coward-
ice and misconduct." I could not help smiling at
the description of my uncle's ladder, by which he
proposed to climb to the attention of the Board of
Admiralty; and though I knew the world too well, to
confide in such dependence myself, I would not dis-
courage him with doubts; but asked if he had no
friend in London, who woxild advance a small sum of
money to enable him to appear as he ought, and
make a small present to the under secretary, who
might possibly despatch his business the sooner on
that account. He scratched his head, and, after
some recollection, replied, "Why, yes, I believe
Daniel Whipcord the ship-chandler in Wapping
would not refuse me such a small matter. I know
I can have what credit I want, for lodging, liquor,
and clothes : but as to money, I won't be positive:
had honest Block been living, I should not have
[197 1
RODERICK RANDOM
been at a loss." I was heartily sorry to find a
worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had
such need of them; and looked upon my own situ-
ation as less miserable than his, because I was better
acquainted with the selfishness and roguery of man-
kind, consequently less liable to disappointment and
imposition.
1198]
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
HE TAKES HIS PASSAGE IN A CUTTER FOR DEAL WE ARE
ACCOSTED BY A PRIEST, WHO PROVES TO BE A SCOTCH-
MAN HIS PROFESSION OF FRIENDSHIP HE IS AF-
FRONTED BY THE LIEUTENANT, WHO AFTERWARDS
APPEASES HIM BY SUBMISSION MY UNCLE EMBARKS
1 AM INTRODUCED BY THE PRIEST TO A CAPUCHIN,
IN WHOSE COMPANY I SET OUT FOR PARIS THE CHAR-
ACTER OF MY FELLOW-TRAVELLER AN ADVENTURE
ON THE ROAD 1 AM SHOCKED AT HIS BEHAVIOUR.
WHEN our repast was ended, we walked
down to the harbour, where we found
a cutter that was to sail for Deal in
the evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed
for his passage. In the meantime, we sauntered
about the town to satisfy our curiosity, our conversa-
tion turning on the subject of my designs, which
were not as yet fixed: neither can it be supposed
that my mind was at ease, when I found myself re-
duced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of
foreigners, among whom I had not one acquaintance
to advise or befriend me. My uncle was sensible of
my forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany
him to England, where he did not doubt of finding
some sort of provision for me : but, besides the other
reasons I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked
upon it, at this time, as the worst countiy in the
[1991
RODERICK RANDOM
universe for an honest man to live in; and therefore
determined to remain in France, at all events. I was
confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who
passing by at this time, and overhearing us speak
English, accosted us in the same language, telling us,
he was oiu: countryman, and wishing it might be in
his power to do us any service. We thanked this
grave person for his courteous offer, and invited him
to drink a glass with us, which he did not think
proper to refuse, and we went all together into a
tavern of his recommending. After having drank to
our healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began
to inquire into our situation, particularly the place
of our nativity, which we no sooner named, than he
started up, and wringing our hands with great fer-
vour, shed a flood of tears, crying, " I come from the
same part of the country! perhaps you are my own
relations." I was on my guard against his caresses,
which I suspected very much, when I remembered
the adventure of the money-dropper; but, without
any appearance of diffldence, observed, that as he was
bom in that part of the covmtry, he must certainly
know our families, which, howsoever mean our present
appearance might be, were none of the most obscure
or inconsiderable. Then I discovered our names, to
which I found he was no stranger: he had known my
grandfather personally; and, notwithstanding an ah-
sence of fifty years from Scotland, recounted so many
particulars of the families in the neighbourhood, that
my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought
myself happy in his acquaintance. In the course of
oiu* conversation, I di.sclosed my condition without
[200]
A RELIGIOUS DISCOURSE
reserve, and displayed my talents to such advantage,
that the old father looked upon me with admiration,
and assured me, that if I stayed in France, and
listened to reason, I could not fail of making my
fortune, to which he would contribute all in his
power.
My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's insinu-
ation, and very abruptly declared, that, if ever I
should renounce my religion, he would break off all
connexion and correspondence with me; for it was his
opinion, that no honest man would swerve fiom the
principles in which he was bred, whether Turkish,
Protestant, or Roman. The father, affronted at this
declaration, with great vehemence began a long dis-
course, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and
shutting one's eyes against the light: he said that
ignorance would be no plea towards justification,
when we had opportunities of being better informed;
and that, if the minds of people had not been open
to conviction, the Christian religion could not have
been propagated in the world, and we should now be
in a state of Pagan darkness and barbarity. He en-
deavoured to prove, by some texts of Scripture, and
many quotations from the Fathers, that the Pope
was the successor of St. Peter, and Vicar of Jesus
Christ; that the Church of Rome was the true holy
Catholic Church; and that the Protestant faith was
an impious heresy and damnable schism, by which
many millions of souls would suffer everlasting per-
dition. When he had finished this sermon, which I
thought he pronounced with more zeal than discre-
tion, he addressed himself to my uncle, and desired
[201 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
to know his objections to what had been said. The
lieutenant, whose attention had been wholly engrossed
by his own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth,
and replied, " As for me, fiiend, d' ye see, I have no
objection to what you say; it may be either true or
fal^ for what I know; I meddle with nobody's affairs
but my own; the gunner to his linstock, and the
steersman to the helm, as the saying is. I trust to
no creed but the compass, and do unto every man as
I would be done by; so that I defy the Pop)e, the
Devil, and the Pretender; and hope to be saved as
well as another." This association of persons gave
great offence to the friar, who protested, in a mighty
passion, that, if Mr. Bowling had not been his
countryman, he would have caused him to be im-
prisoned for his insolence. I ventured to disapprove of
my uncle's rashness, and appeased the old gentleman,
by assiu-ing him, there was no offence intended by
my kinsman, who, by this time, sensible of his error,
shook the injured party by the hand, and asked
pardon for the freedom he had taken. Matters being
amicably compromised, he invited us to come and see
him in the afternoon at the convent to which he be-
longed, and took his leave for the present; when my
uncle recommended it strongly to me to persevere in
the religion of my forefathers, whatever advantages I
might propose to myself by a change, which could
not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my
family. I assured him, no consideration should in-
duce me to forfeit his friendship and good opinion
on that score; at which assurance he discovered great
satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we
[ 202 ]
bowling sails for england
immediately bespoke, and, when it was ready, ate
together.
i imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish
priest, if properly managed, might turn out to my
advantage, and therefore resolved to cultivate it as
much as i could. With this view we visited him at
his convent, according to his invitation, where he
treated us with wine and sweetmeats, and showed us
everything that was remarkable in the monastery.
Having been thus entertained, we took our leave,
though not before i had promised to see him next
day; and the time fixed for my uncle's embarking
being come, i accompanied him to the harbour, and
saw him on board. We parted not without tears,
after we had embraced, and wished one another all
manner of prosperity; and he entreated me to write
to him often, directing to Lieutenant Bowling, at
the sign of the Union Flag, near the Hermitage,
London.
i returned to the house in which we had met,
where i passed the night in a very solitary manner,
reflecting on the severity of my fate, and endeavour-
ing to project some likely scheme of life for the
future; but my invention failed me; i saw nothing
but insurmountable difflculties in my way, and was
ready to despair at the miserable prospect! That i
might not, however, neglect any probable means, i
got up in the morning, and went directly to the
father, whose advice and assistance i implored. He
received me very kindly, and gave me to understand,
that there was one way of life in which a person of
my talents could not fail of making a great figure.
[203]
RODERICK RANDOM
I guessed his meaning, and told him once for all, 1
was fully determined against any alteration in point
of religion, therefore, if his proposal regarded the
Church, he might save himself the trouble of explain-
ing it. He shook his head, and sighed, saying, " Ah!
son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled, by
your stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself to be
persuaded by reason, and consult your temporal
welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal soul.
I can, by my interest, procure your admission as a
noviciate into this convent, where I will superintend
and direct you with a truly paternal affection."
Then he launched out into the praises of a monastic
life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no
danger invades; where the heart is weaned from
carnal attachments, the grosser appetites subdued
and chastised, and the soul wafted to divine regions
of philosophy and truth, on the wings of studious
contemplation. But his eloquence was lost upon
me, whom two considerations enabled to withstand
his temptations; namely, my promise to my uncle,
and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life; for, as to
the difference of religion, I looked upon it as a thing
of too small moment to come in competition with a
man^s fortune. Finding me immovable on this head,
he told me he was more sorry than offended at my
non-compliance, and still ready to employ his good
offices in my behalf. " The same erroneous maxims,"
said he, "that obstruct your promotion in the
Church, will infallibly prevent your i^vancement in
the army; but if you can brook the condition of a
servant, I am acquainted with some people of rank
[204]
A FELLOW-TRAVELLER
at Versailles, to whom I can give you letters of
recommendation, that you may be entertained by
some one of them in quality of mattre d'hotel; and 1
do not doubt that your qualihcations will soon
entitle you to a better provision." I embraced his
offer with great eagerness ; and he appointed me to
come back in the afternoon, when he would not only
give me letters, but likewise introduce me to a
capuchin of his acquaintance, who intended to set
out for Paris next morning, in whose company I
might travel without being at the expense of one
livre during the whole journey. This piece of good
news gave me infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my
obligation to the benevolent father, in the most
grateful expressions; and he performed his promise
to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me
acquainted with the capuchin, with whom I departed
next morning by break of day.
It was not long before I discovered my fellow-
traveller to be a merry facetious fellow, who, not-
withstanding his profession and appearance of
mortification, loved good eating and drinking better
than his rosary, and paid more adoration to a pretty
girl than to the Virgin Mary, or St. Grenevieve. He
was a thick brawny young man, with red eyebrows,
a hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and his
name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit
him to wear linen, so that, having little occasion to
undress himself, he was none of the cleanliest animals
in the world ; and his constitution was naturally so
strongly scented, that I always thought it convenient
to keep to the windward of him in our march. As
[205]
RODERICK RANDOM
he was perfectly well known on the road, we fared
sumptuously without any cost, and the fatigue of
our journey was much alleviated by the good-humour
of my companion, who sung an infinite number of
catches on the subjects of love and wine. We took
up our lodging the first night at a peasant^s house
not far from Abbeville, where we were entertained
with an excellent ragout, cooked by our landlord's
daughters, one of whom was very handsome. After
having eaten heartily, and drank a sufficient quantity
of small wine, we were conducted to a bam, where
we found a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw
for our reception. We had not lain in this situation
above half an hour, when we heard somebody knock
softly at the door, upon which Balthazar got up, and
let in our host's two daughters, who wanted to have
some private conversation with him in the dark;
when they had whispered together for some time,
the capuchin came to me, and asked if I was insen-
sible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share
of my bed to a pretty maid, who had a tendre for
me.? I must own, to my shame, that I suffered
myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great
eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood the
amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow. In vain
did my reason suggest the respect that I owed to my
dear mistress Narcissa; the idea of that lovely
charmer rather increased than allayed the ferment
of my spirits; and the young paysanne had no reason
to complain of my remembrance. Early in the
morning, the kind creatures left us to our repose,
which lasted till eight o'clock, when we got up, and
[206]
THE CAPUCHIN'S AMOURS
were treated at breakfast with chocolate and Teau de
vie, by our paramours, of whom we took a tender
leave, after my companion had confessed and given
them absolution.
While we proceeded on our journey, the conver-
sation turned upon the night's adventure, being
introduced by the capuchin, who asked me how I
liked my lodging: I declared my satisfaction, and
talked in rapture of the agreeable Nanette; at
which he shook his head, and smiling, said, she
was a morceau pour la bonm htmche. " I never valued
myself," continued he, " upon anything so much as
the conquest of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have
been pretty fortunate in my amours." Ibis informa-
tion shocked me not a little, as I was well convinced
of his intimacy with her sister; and though I did not
care to tax him with downright incest, I professed
my astonishment at his last night's choice, when, I
supposed, the other was at his devotion. To this
hint, he answered, that, besides his natural complai-
sance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute
his favours equally between them, namely, to pre-
serve peace in the family, which could not otherwise
be maintained; that, moreover, Nanette had con-
ceived an affection for me, and he loved her too well
to balk her inclination; more especially when he had
an opportunity of obliging his friend at the same
time. I thanked him for this instance of his friend-
ship, though I was extremely disgusted at his want
of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me
in his way. Libertine as I was, I could not bear
to see a man behave so wide of the character he
[207]
RODERICK RANDOM
assumed: I looked upon him as a person of veiy
little worth or honesty, and should have even kept
a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he
could have any temptation to steak But I could
not conceive the use of money to a capuchin, who
is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear
like a beggar, and enjoys all other necessaries of life
gratis; besides, my fellow-traveller seemed to be of a
complexion too careless and sanguine to give me any
apprehension on that score; so that I proceeded with
great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my
journey's end.
[208 J
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
WE LODGE AT A HOUSE NEAR AMIENS, WHERE I AM
ROBBED BY THE CAPUCHIN, WHO ESCAPES WHILE
I AM ASLEEP 1 GO TO NOYONS IN SEARCH OF
HIM, BUT WITHOUT SUCCESS MAKE MY CONDI-
TION KNOWN TO SEVERAL PEOPLE, BUT FIND NO
RELIEF GROW DESPERATE JOIN A COMPANY OF
SOLDIERS ENLIST IN THE REGIMENT OF PICARDY
WE ARE ORDERED INTO GERMANY 1 FIND THE
FATIGUES OF THE MARCH ALMOST INTOLERABLE
QUARREL WITH MY COMRADE IN A DISPUTE ABOUT
POLITICS HE CHALLENGES ME TO THE FIELD,
WOUNDS AND DISARMS ME.
HE third night of our pilgrimage we
passed at a house near Amiens, where
Balthazar being unknown, we supped
upon indifferent fare, and sour wine,
and were fain to lie in a garret, upon an old mat-
tress, which, I believe, had been in the possession of
ten thousand myriads of fleas, time out of mind.
We did not invade their territory with impunity:
in less than a minute we were attacked by stings
innumerable; in spite of which, however, we fell
fast asleep, being excessively fatigued with our day's
march, and did not wake till nine next morning, when
seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible fright,
and examining my pockets, found my presaging fear
VOL. II.—14 [ 209 j
T
RODERICK RANDOM
too true! My companion had made free with my
cash, and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself!
I ran downstairs immediately; and with a look full
of grief and amazement, inquired for the mendicant,
who, they gave me to imderstand, had set out four
hours before, after having told them, I was a little
indisposed, and desired I might not be disturbed,
but be informed when I should awake that he had
taken the road to Noyon[s], where he would wait for
my coming at the Coq d'Or. I spoke not a word,
but with a heavy heart directed my coiuse to that
place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, fainting
with weariness and hunger; but learned, to my utter
confusion, that no such person had been there I It
was happy for me that I had a good deal of resent-
ment in my constitution, which animated me on such
occasions against the villany of mankind, and enabled
me to bear misfortunes otherwise intolerable. Boil-
ing with indignation, I discovered to the host my
deplorable condition, and inveighed with great bit-
terness against the treachery of Balthazar; at which
he shrugged up his shoulders, and, with a peculiar
grimace in his countenance, said, he was sorry for
my misfortune; but there was no remedy like
patience. At that instant some guests arrived,
to whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving
me mortified at his indifference, and fully persuaded
that an innkeeper is the same sordid animal all the
world over. While I stood in the porch, forlorn
and undetermined, venting ejaculations of curses
against the thief who robbed me, and the old
priest who recommended him to my friendship, a
[210]
I GROW DESPERATE
young gentleman richly dressed, attended by a valet
de chambre and two servants in livery, arrived at the
inn. I thought I perceived a great deal of sweetness
and good-nature in his countenance; therefore he
had no sooner alighted than I accosted him, and, in
a few words, explained my situation: he listened
with great politeness, and, when I had made an end
of my story, said, " Well, Monsieur, what would you
have me to do ? " I was effectually abashed at this
interrogation, which I believe no man of common
sense or generosity could make, and made no other
reply than a low bow: he returned the compliment
still lower, and tript into an apartment, while the
landlord let me know, that my standing there to
interrupt company gave offence, and might do him
infinite prejudice. He had no occasion to repeat his
insinuation; I moved from the place immediately;
and was so much transported with grief, anger, and
disdain, that a torrent of blood gushed from my
nostrils. In this ecstasy I quitted Noyon[s], and
betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about
like one distracted, till my spirits were quite
exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself
down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied
limbs. Here my rage forsook me; I began to feel
the importunate cravings of nature, and relapsed
into silent sorrow, and melancholy reflection. I
revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of, and
found them so few and venial, that I could not com-
prebend the justice of that Providence, which, after
having exposed me to so much wretchedness and
danger, left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign
[211]
RODERICK RANDOM
coimtty, where I had not one friend or acquaintance
to close my eyes, and do the last offices of humanity
to my miserable carcase. A thousand times I wished
myself a bear, that I might retreat to woods and
deserts, far from the hospitable haunts of man,
where I could live by my own talents, independent
of treacherous friends, and supercilious scorn.
' As I lay in this manner groaning over my hapless
fate, I heard the sound of a violin, and raising my
head, perceived a company of men and women danc-
ing on the grass at some distance from me. I looked
upon this to be a favourable season for distress to at-
tract compassion, when every selhsh thought is ban-
ished, and the heart dilated with mirth and social
joy; wherefore I got up and approached this happy
people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of sol-
diers, with their wives and children, unbending and
diverting themselves at this rate, after the fatigue of
a march. I had never before seen such a parcel of
scare-crows together, neither could I reconcile their
meagre gaunt looks, their squalid and ragged attire,
and every other external symptom of extreme woe,
with this appearance of festivity. I saluted them,
however, and was received with great politeness;
after which they formed a ring, and danced around
me. This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my
spirits! I was infected with their gaiety, and, in
spite of my dismal situation, forgot my cares, and
joined in their extravagance. When we had recre-
ated ourselves a good while at this diversion, the
ladies spread their manteaus on the ground, upon
which they emptied their knapsacks of some onions,
[212]
enlists in the french army
coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine. Being
invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with
the rest, and in the whole course of my life never
made a more comfortable meal. When our repast
was ended, we got up again to dance; and now that
I found myself refreshed, I behaved to the admiration
of everybody. I was loaded with a thousand compli-
ments, and professions of friendship; the men com-
mended my person and agility, and the women were
loud in praise of my bonne grace; the serjeant in
particular expressed so much regard for me, and de-
scribed the pleasures of a soldier's life with so much
art, that I began to listen to his proposal of enlisting
me in the service; and the more I considered my own
condition, the more I was convinced of the necessity
I was under to come to a speedy determination.
Having, therefore, maturely weighed the circum-
stances pro and cora, I signified my consent, and was
admitted into the regiment of Picardy, said to be
the oldest corps in Europe. The company to which
this command belonged was quartered at a village
not far off, whither we marched next day, and I was
presented to my captain, who seemed very well pleased
with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and
ordered me to be accommodated with clothes, arms,
and accoutrements. Then I sold my livery suit, pur-
chased linen, and, as I was at great pains to leam the
exercise, in a very short time became a complete
soldier.
It was not long before we received orders to join
several more regiments, and march with all expedi-
tion into Germany, in order to reinforce Maresdud
[ 213 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
Due de Noailles, who was then encamped with his
army on the side of the river Mayne, to watch the
motions of the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and
Hessians, under the command of the Earl of Stair.
We began our march accordingly, and then I became
acquainted with that part of a soldier''s life to which
I had been hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to
describe the hunger and thirst I sustained, and the
fatigue I underwent, in a march of so many hundred
miles; during which I was so much chafed with the
heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short
time the inside of my thighs and legs was deprived
of skin, and I proceeded in the utmost torture. This
misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my constitu-
tion, which I cursed, and envied the withered condi-
tion of my comrades, whose bodies could not spare juice
enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed
proof against all manner of friction. The continual
pain I felt made me fretful, and my peevishness was
increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing
those miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind
would have scattered through the air like chaff, bear
those toils with alacrity, under which I was ready to
sink.
One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers
with their wives had gone out to dance, €ux;ording to
custom, my comrade stayed at home with me on
pretence of friendship, and insulted me with his pity
and consolation ! He told me, though I was young
and tender at present, I would soon be seasoned to
the service; and he did not doubt but I should have
the honour to contribute in some measure to the
[ 214 ]
military politics
glory of the King. "Have courage, therefore, my
child,'" said he, " and pray to the good God, that
you may be as happy as i am, who have had the
honour of serving Lewis the Great, and of receiving
many wounds in helping to establish his glory."
When i looked upon the contemptible object that
pronounced these words, i was amazed at the infatu-
ation that possessed him; and could not help ex-
pressing my astonishment at the absimdity of a
rational being, who thinks himself highly honoured
in being permitted to encounter abject poverty, op-
pression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident
death, merely to gratify the vicious ambition of a
prince, by whom his sufferings were disregarded, and
his name utterly unknown. i observed that, if his sit-
uation was the consequence of compulsion, i would
praise his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot;
if he had taken up arms in defence of his injured
country, he was to be applauded for his patriotism ;
or, if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge from
a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience,
though i could have no notion of misery more ex-
treme than that he suffered; but to put his condition
on the footing of conducing to the glory of his prince,
was no more than professing himself a desperate
slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretch-
edness and peril, and committed the most flagrant
crimes, to soothe the barbarous pride of a fellow-
creature, his superior in nothing but the power he
derived from the submission of such wretches as him.
The soldier was very much affronted at the liberty i
took with his King, which he said nothing but
[215]
RODERICK RANDOM
my ignorance could excuse. He affirmed, that the
characters of princes were sacred, and ought not
to be profaned by the censure of their subjects, who
were bound by their allegiance to obey their com-
mands, of what nature soever, without scruple or
repining; and advised me to correct the rebellious
principles I had imbibed among the EngUsh, who,
for their insolence to their Kings, were notorious all
over the world, even to a proverb.
In vindication of my countrymen, I repeated all
the arguments commonly used to prove that every
man has a natural right to liberty ; that allegiance
and protection are reciprocal; that, when the mutual
tie is broken by the tyranny of the King, he is ac-
countable to the people for his breach of contract,
and subject to the penalty of the law; and that
those insurrections of the English, which are branded
with the name of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary
power, were no other than glorious efforts to rescue
that independence which was their birthright, from
the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. The
Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I paid
to the kingly name, lost all patience, and reproached
me in such a manner that my temper forsook me,
and I clenched my fist, with an intention to give
him a hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my design,
he started back, and demanded a parley; upon which
I checked my indignation, and he gave me to under-
stand that a Frenchman never forgave a blow; there-
fore, if I was not weary of my life, I would do well
to spare him that mortification, and do him the
honour of measuring my sword with his, like a
[816]
THE GASCON'S TRIUMPH
gentleman. I took his advice, and followed him
to a field hard by, where indeed I was ashamed at
the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor,
little, shivering creature, decrepit with age, and
blind of one eye. But 1 soon found the folly of
judging from appearances, being at the second pass
wounded in the sword hand, and immediately dis-
armed with a jerk, that I thought the joint was dis-
located. 1 was no less confounded than enraged at
this event, especially as my adversary did not bear
his success with all the moderation that might have
been expected; for he insisted upon my asking par-
don for affix>nting his King and him. This proposal
I would by no means comply with, but told him it
was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in his
circumstances ought to propose, or any in my situa-
tion ought to perform ; and that, if he persisted in
his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim
satis&ction with my musket, when we should be more
upon a par than with the sword, of which he seemed
so much master.
t*17]
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
m OKDER TO BE REVENGED, I LEARN THE SCIENCE 01
DEFENCE WE JOIN THE MARESCHAL DUC DB
NOAILLES ARE ENGAGED WITH THE ALLIES AI
DETTINGEN, AND PUT TO FLIGHT THE BEHAVIOUl
OF THE FRENCH SOLDIERS ON THAT OCCASION >
INDUSTRIOUSLY SEEK ANOTHER COMBAT WITH THE
OLD GASCON, AND VANftUISH HIM IN MY TURN OUR
REGIMENT IS PUT INTO WINTER QUARTERS AT RHEIMS,
WHERE I FIND MY FRIEND STRAP OUR RECOGNITION
HE SUPPLIES ME WITH MONEY, AND PROCURES MY
DISCHARGE WE TAKE A TRIP TO PARIS ; FROM
WHENCE, BY THE WAY OF FLANDERS, WE SET OUT
FOR LONDON, WHERE WE SAFELY ARRIVE.
He was disconcerted at this declaration,
to which he made no reply, but repaired
to the dancers, among whom he re-
counted his victory, with many exag«
gerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my
sword, went to my quarters, and examined my
wound, which I found was of no consequence. The
same day, an Irish drummer, having heard of my mis-
fortune, visited me, and, after having condoled me on
the chance of war, gave me to understand, that he was
master of the sword, and would, in a very short time,
instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I
should be able to chastise the old Gascon for his in-
Solent boasting at my expense. This friendly office
[218]
BATTLE OF DETTINGEN
he proffered, on pretence of the regard he had for his
countrymen; but I afterwards learned, the true mo-
tive was no other than a jealousy he entertained of a
correspondence between the Frenchman and his wife,
which he did not think proper to resent in person.
Be this as it will, I accepted his offer, and practised
his lessons with such application, that I soon believed
myself a match for my conqueror. In the meantime,
we continued our march, and arrived at the camp of
Mareschal Noailles, the night before the battle of
Dettingen. Notwithstanding the fatigue we had
undergone, our regiment was one of those that were
ordered next day to cross the river, under the com-
mand of the Due de Gramont, to take possession of
a narrow defile, through which the Allies must of
necessity have passed at a great disadvantage, or re-
main where they were, and perish for want of provi-
sion, if they would not condescend to surrender at
discretion. How they suffered themselves to be pent
up in this manner, it is not my province to relate;
I shall only observe, that, when we had taken posses-
sion of our ground, I heard an old officer, in conver-
sation with another, express a surprise at the conduct
of Lord Stair, who had the reputation of a good
general. But it seems, at this time, that nobleman
was overruled, and only acted in an inferior charac-
ter; so that no part of the blame could be imputed
to him, who declared his disapprobation of the step,
in consequence of which the whole army was in the
utmost danger; but Providence or Destiny acted
miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Due de
Gramont to quit his advantageous post, pass the
[219]
RODERICK RANDOM
defile and attack the English, who were drawn up in
order of battle on the plain, and who handled us so
roughly, that, after having lost a great number of our
men, we turned our backs without ceremony, and fled
with such precipitation, that many hundreds perished
in the river, through pure fear and confusion; for the
enemy was so generous, that they did not pursue us
one inch of ground; and if our consternation would
have permitted, we might have retreated with great
order and deliberation. But, notwithstanding the
royal clemency of the King of Great Britain, who
headed the Allies in person, and, no doubt, put a stop
to the carnage, our loss amounted to 5000 men, among
whom were many officers of distinction. Our miscar-
riage opened a passage for the foe to Hanau, whither
they immediately marched, leaving their sick and
wounded in the care of the French, who next day
took possession of the held of battle, buried the dead,
and treated the living with humanity. This circum-
stance was a great consolation to us, who thence took
occasion to claim the victory; and the genius of the
French nation never appeai-ed more conspicuous than
now, in the rodomontades they uttered on the subject
of their generosity and courage. Every man, by his
own account, performed feats that eclipsed all the
heroes of antiquity. One compared himself to a lion
retiring at leisure from his cowardly pursuers, who
keep at a wary distance, and gall him with their
darts. Another likened himself to a bear who re-
treats with his face to the enemy, who dare not assail
him; and the third assumed the character of a des-
perate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps
[220]
VANQUISHES THE GASCON
them at bay. There was not a private soldier en-
gaged, who had not, by the prowess of his single
arm, demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron
of horse to flight; and, among others, the meagre
Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules
or Charlemagne. As I still retained my resentment
for the disgrace I suffered in my last rencontre with
him, and, now that I thought myself qualihed, longed
for an opportunity to retrieve my honour, I magni-
fied the valour of the English with all the hyperboles
I could imagine, and decried the pusillanimity of
the French in the same style, comparing them to
hares flying before greyhounds, or mice pursued by
cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the
speed he exerted in his flight, which, considering his
age and infirmities, I said was surprising. He was
stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and, with an air
of threatening disdain, bade me know myself better,
and remember the correction I had lately received
from him for my insolence; for he might not always
be in the humour of sparing a wretch who abused his
goodness. To this innuendo I made no reply, but a
kick in the breech, which overturned him in an in-
stant. He started up with wonderful agility, and,
drawing his sword, attacked me with great fury.
Several people interposed; but when he informed
them of its being an affair of honour, they retired,
and left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I sus-
tained his onset with little damage, having only
received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and
seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, as-
saulted him in my turn, closed with him, and wrested
[ 221 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
his sword out of his hand in the struggle. Having
thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his
life; to which demand he made no answer, but
shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his
hands, elevated the skin on his forehead and eyebrows,
and depressed the comers of his mouth in such a
manner, that I could scarce refrain from laughing
aloud at his grotesque appearance. That I might,
however, mortify his vanity, which triumphed without
bounds over my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to
the hilt in something (it was not a tansy) that lay
smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of the
soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.
There was nothing more of moment attempted by
either of the armies during the remaining pt«t of the
campaign, which being ended, the English marched
back to the Netherlands; part of our army was de-
tached to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered
into winter quarters in Champagne. It was the fate
of the grenadier company, to which I now belonged,
to lie at Rheiins, where I found myself in the utmost
want of everything; my pay, which amounted to five
sols a day, far from supplying me with necessaries,
being scarce sufficient to procure a wretched subsist-
ence, to keep soul and body together; so that I was,
by hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre
condition of my fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced
from three tolerable shirts to two pair of sleeves and
necks, the bodies having been long ago converted into
spatterdashes; and after all, I was better provided
than any private man in the regiment. In this ur-
gency of my affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England,
[222]
MEETS AN OLD FRIEND
though my hopes from that quarter were not at all
sanguine, for the reasons I have already explained;
and, in the meantime, had recourse to my old remedy,
patience, consoling myself with the flattering sug-
gestions of a lively imagination, that never aban-
doned me in distress.
One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a
general officer, a certain nobleman came to the door
followed by a gentleman in mourning, to whom, at
parting, I heard him saying," You may depend upon
my good offices." This assurance was answered by a
low bow of the person in black, who, turning to go
away, discovered to me the individual countenance
of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was so
much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power
of utterance, and before I could recollect myself, he
was gone without taking any notice of me. Indeed,
had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to
accost him; because, though I was perfectly well
acquainted with the features of his face, I could not
be positively certain as to the rest of his person,
which was very much altered for the better since he
left me at London; neither could I perceive by what
means he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a
gentleman, to which, while I knew him, he had not
even the ambition to aspire. But I was too much
concerned in the affair to neglect further informa-
tion, and therefore took the fhst opportunity of
asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom
the marquis spoke. The Swiss told me, his name
was Monsieur d'Estrapes; that he had been valet de
chambre to an English gentleman lately deceased;
[223]
RODERICK RANDOM
and that he was very much regarded by the marquis
for his fidelity to his master, between whom and that
nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted.
Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this
piece of intelligence, which banished all doubt of it
being my friend, who had found means to frenchify
his name as well as his behaviour since we parted.
As soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his
lodging, according to a direction given me by the
Swiss, and had the good fortune to find him at
home. That I might surprise him the more, I con-
cealed my name and business, and only desired the
servant of the house to tell Monsieur d'Estrapes,
that I begged the honour of half an hour's conversa-
tion with him. He was confounded and dismayed at
the message, when he understood it was sent by a
soldier. Though he was conscious to himself of no
crime, all that he had heard of the Bastille appeared
to his imagination with aggravated horror, and it
was not before I had waited a considerable time,
that he had resolution enough to bid the servant
show me upstairs.
When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow
with great civility, and endeavoimed, with forced
complaisance, to disguise his fear, which appeared
in the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks,
and the shaking of his limbs. I w£is diverted at his
consternation, which redoubled, when I told him in
French, I had business for his private ear, and
demanded a particular audience. The valet being
withdrawn, I asked in the same language, if his
name was d'Estrapes ? to which he answered, with a
[224]
VISIT TO MONSIEUR D'ESTRAPES
faltering tongue," The same, at your service." " Are
you a Frenchman ? " said 1. " I have not the honour
of being a Frenchman bom," replied he, "but I
have an infinite veneration for the country." I then
desired he would do me the honour to look at me;
which he no sooner did, than, struck with my appear-
ance, he started back, and cried in English, *'0
Jesus! sure it can't! No, 't is impossible!" I smiled
at his interjections, saying, "I suppose you are too
much of a gentleman to own your friend in adver-
sity." When he heard me pronounce these words in
our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport
of joy, hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to
ear, and blubbered like a great schoolboy who had
been whipt. — Then observing my dress, he set up
his throat crying, " O Lord! O Lord! that ever I
should live to see my dearest friend reduced to the
condition of a foot soldier in the French service!
Why did you consent to my leaving you ? — But I
know the reason — you thought you had got more
creditable friends, and grew ashamed of my acquaint-
ance. — Ah I Lord help us! though I was a little
short-sighted, I was not altogether blind. And
though I did not complain, I was not the less sen-
sible of your unkindness, which was indeed the only
thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord
knows whither; but I must own it has been a lucky
ramble for me, and so I forgive you, and may God
forgive you ; — O Lord! O Lord! is it come to
this.?" I was nettled at the charge, which, though
just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and
told him with some tartness, that, whether his sus-
vol. II. —16 [ 225 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
picions were well or ill grounded, he might have
chosen a more convenient opportunity of introduc-
ing them; and that the question now was, whether
or no he found himself disposed to lend me any
assistance. " Disposed!" replied he with great emo-
tion, " I thought you had known me so well, as to
assure yourself, without asking, that I and all that
belongs to me are at yoiu* command. In the mean-
time, you shall dine with me, and I will tell you
something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto
you." Then wringing my hand, he said, " It makes
my heart bleed to see you in that garb!" I thanked
him for his invitation, which, I observed, could not
be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a
comfortable meal these seven months. But I had
another request to make, which I begged he would
grant before dinner, and that was the loan of a
shirt; for although my back had been many weeks
a stranger to any comfort of that kind, my skin was
not yet familiarised to the want of it. He stared in
my face, with a woeful countenance, at this declara-
tion, which he could scarce believe, until I explained
it, by imbuttoning my coat, and disclosing my naked
body; a circumstance that shocked the tender-
hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, ran
to a chest of drawers, and, taking out some linen,
presented to me a very fine ruffled Holland shirt, and
cambric neckcloth, assuring me, he had three dozen
of the same kind at my service. I was ravished at
this piece of good news, and having Eiccommodated
myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his
generous offer, saying, I was overjoyed to find him
_ [ 226 ]
STRAP'S PEREGRINATION
undebauched by prosperity, which seldom fails to
corrupt the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup
and houill^ a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish
of asparagus, and in the interim entertained me
with biscuit and Burgundy; after which repast, he
entreated me to gratify his longing desire of know-
ing every circumstance of my fortune since his
departure from London. This request I complied
with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and
relating every particular event in which I had been
concerned from that day to the present hour. Dur-
ing the recital, my friend was strongly affected,
according to the various situations described. He
started with surprise, glowed with indignation,
gaped with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled
with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes
of my life inspired these different passions; and,
when my story was ended, signified his amazement
on the whole, by lifting up his eyes and hands, and
protesting, that though I was a young' man, I had
suffered more than all the blessed martyrs.
After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the
particulars of his peregrination, and he satisfied me
in a few words, by giving me to understand that he
had lived a year at Paris with his master, who in that
time having acquired the language, as well as the
fashionable exercises, to perfection, made a tour of
France and Holland, during which exclusion he was
so unfortunate as to meet with three of his own
countr3rmen on their travels, in whose company he
committed such excesses, that his constitution failed,
and he fell into a consumption; that, by the advice
[227]
RODERICK RANDOM
of physicians, he went to Montpellier for the benefit
of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that
he returned to Rheims, seemingly in good health,
where he had not continued above a moiith, when
he was seized with a looseness, that carried him off
in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who
knew him, and especially of Strap, who had been very
happy in his service, and given such satisfaction, that
his master, on his death-bed, recommended him to
several persons of distinction, for his diligence,
sobriety, and affection, and left him by will his wear-
ing apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready money,
and all the movables he had in France, to the value
of three hundred pounds, " which I now," said he,
" in the sight of God and man, surrender to your
absolute disposal. Here are my keys, take them,
I beseech you, and God give you joy of the
possession."
My brain was almost turned by the sudden change
of fortune, which I could scarce believe real; however
I positively refused this extravagant offer of my
fnend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier;
at which hint he started, crying, " Odso! that's true
— we must procure yoiu* discharge. I have some
interest with a nobleman who is able to do me that
favoiu-." We consulted about this affair, and it was
determined, that Monsieur d^Estrapes should wait
upon the marquis in the morning, and tell him he
had by accident found his brother, whom he had not
seen for many years before, a private soldier in the
regiment of Picardy, and implore that nobleman''s
interest for his discharge. In the meantime we
[ 228 ]
A MATRIMONIAL PROJECT
enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy,
and spent the evening in concerting schemes for our
future conduct, in case I should be so lucky as to get
rid of the army. The business was to make our-
selves easy for life, by means of his legacy, a task
very difficult, and, in the usual methods of laying out
money, altogether impracticable; so that after much
canvassing, we could come to no resolution that
night, but when we parted, recommended the matter
to the serious attention of each other. As for my
own part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose.
When I thought of turning merchant, the smallness
of our stock, and the risk of seas, enemies, and
markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I should
settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the
business already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set
up in England, must labour under want of friends, and
powerful opposition, obstacles insurmountable by the
most shining merit. Neither should I succeed in my
endeavoiu^ to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could
neither flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute
my pen in defence of a wicked and contemptible
administration. Before I could form any feasible
project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blessed with
the image of the dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile
upon my p^sion, and offer her hand as a reward for
all my toils.
Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of
my friend, whom I found exulting over his happy
invention; for I no sooner entered his apartment,
than he addressed himself to me in these words, with
a smile of self-applause: Well, Mr. Random, a
[ 229]
RODERICK RANDOM
lucky thought may come into a fooPs head some-
times. I have hit it; I'll hold you a button my
plan is better than yours, for all your learning. But
you shall have the preference in this, as in all other
things; therefore proceed, and let us know the effects
of your meditation, and then I will impart my own
simple excogitations." I told him that not one
thought had occurred to me that deserved the least
notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted
with the fruits of his reflection. "As we have not,"
said he, " money sufHcient to maintain us during a
tedious expectation, it is my opinion that a bold push
must be made ; and I see none so likely to succeed, as
your appearing in the character of a gentleman,
(which is your due,) and making your addresses to
some lady of fortune, who can render you independent
at once. Nay, don't stare; I afhrm that this scheme
is both prudent and honourable; for I would not
have you throw yourself away upon an old toothless
wheezing dame, whose bi-eath would stink you into a
consumption in less than three months. Neither
would I advise you to assume the character of a
wealthy squire, as your common fortune-hunters do,
by which means many a poor lady is cheated into
matrimony, and, instead of enjoying the pomp and
grandeur that was promised, sees her dowry seized
by her husband's rapacious creditors, and herself
reduced to misery and despair. No, I know you
have a soul that disdains such imposition, and are
master of qualifications both of mind and body,
which alone entitle you to a match that will set you
above the world. I have clothes in my possession
[ 230 ]
A GENTLEMAN OF FIGURE
that a duke need not be ashamed to wear. I believe
they will fit you as they are; if not, there are plenty
of tailors in France, Let us take a short trip to
Paris, and provide ourselves with all other necessaries,
then set out for England, where I intend to do my-
self the honour of attending you in quality of a
valet. This expedient will save you the expense of
a servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not
but, by the blessing of God, we shall bring matters
to a speedy and fortunate issue." Extravagant as
this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure,
because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a
ridiculous hope I began to entertain of inspiring
Narcissa with a mutual flame.
After breakfast. Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay
his devoirs to the marquis, and was so successful in his
application, that I obtained a discharge in a few
days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here I had
time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this
sudden transition of fate, which, to bear with modera-
tion, required some degree of philosophy and self-
denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I give a
detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of
which I was raised in an instant, from the most
abject misery and contempt. My wardrobe con-
sisted of five fashionable coats, full mounted, two of
which were plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed
with gold, and another with silver lace; two frocks,
one of white drab with large plate buttons, the other
of blue, with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold
brocade; one of blue satin, embroidered with silver;
one of green silk, trimmed with broad figured gold
[231 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
lace; one of black silk, with fringes; one of white
satin, one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair
of cloth breeches, one pair of crimson, and another
of black velvet; twelve pair of white silk stockings,
as many of black silk, and the same number of fine
cotton; one hat, laced with gold poini d'Espagne,
another with silver lace scolloped, a third with gold
binding, and a fourth plain; three dozen of fine
ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of
cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk.
The other movables which I possessed, by the gener-
osity and friendship of Strap, were a gold watch, with
a chased case; two valuable diamond rings, two
mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a
fourth, cut steel, inlaid with gold; a diamond stock-
buckle, and a set of stone buckles for the knees and
shoes; a pair of silver mounted pistols, with rich
housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of
tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, having the picture
of a lady in the top. The gentleman left many other
things of value, which my friend had converted into
cash before I met with him ; so that, over and above
these particulars, our stock in ready money amounted
to something more than two hundred pounds.
Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure,
and, attended by my honest friend, who was con-
tented with the station of my valet, visited the
Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and
appeared at Versailles, where I had the honour of
seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable
quantity of olives. During the month I spent at
Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian
[232]
ARRIVAL IN LONDON
comedy, opera, and play-house, danced at a mas-
querade — and, in short, saw everything remarkable
in and about that capital. Then we set out for Eng-
land by the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels,
Ghent, and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend,
from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at Deal,
hired a post-chaise, and, in twelve hours more, got
safe to London, having disposed of our heavy bag-
gage in the waggon.
[233]
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
i mamre for my uncle, and understand he is gone
to sea take lodgings at charing cross go
to the play, where i meet with an adventure
dine at an ordinary ; the guests described
become acquainted with medlar, and doctor
wagtail.
S soon as we alighted at the inn, I des-
/ ^ patched Strap to inquire for my uncle,
H—at the Union Flag, in Wapping; and he
^ .A. returned in a little time with an account
of Mr. Bowling's having gone to sea, mate of a mer-
chant ship, after a long and unsuccessful application
and attendance at the Admiralty; where, it seems,
the interest he depended upon was not sufficient to
reinstate him, or recover the pay that was due to
him when he quitted the Thunder.
Next day I hired very handsome lodgings, not far
from Charing Cross, and, in the evening, dressed
myself in a plain suit of true Paris cut, and appeared
in a front box at the play, where I saw a good deal
of company, and was vain enough to believe that I
was observed with an uncommon degree of attention
and applause. This silly conceit intoxicated me so
much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous co-
quetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the
[234]
' BEHAVIOUR AT THE PLAY
thoughts of the company might be at my first appear-
ance,they were soon changed, by my absurd behaviour,
into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down, covered
and uncovered my head twenty times between the
acts; pulled out my watch, clapped it to my ear,
wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing again; dis-
played my snufF-box, affected to take snuff, that I
might have an opportunity of showing my brilliant,
and wiped my nose with a perfumed handkerchief;
then dangled my cane, and adjusted my sword-knot,
and acted many more fooleries of the same kind, in
hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow,
in the acquiring of which I found two considerable
obstructions in my disposition, namely, a natural
reserve, and jealous sensibility. Fain would I have
entered into conversation with the people around me,
but I was restrained by the fear of being censured
for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was
more entitled to a compliment of this kind from
them, than they to such condescension from a
stranger like me. How often did I redden at the
frequent whispers and loud laughter of my fellow-
beaux, which I imagined were excited by me! and
how often did I envy the happy indifference of those
choice spirits, who beheld the distress of the scene,
without discovering the least symptom of approbation
or concern! My attention was engaged in spite of
myself, and I could not help weeping with the heroine
of the stage; though I practised a great many shifts
to conceal this piece of unpolite weakness. When
the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity
of banding some lady to her coach; but every one.
[235]
RODERICK RANDOM
was attended by such a number of officious gallants,
that for a long time I was bsdked in my expectation.
At length, however, I perceived a very handsome
creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box,
at some distance from me; upon which I went up to
her, and offered my service. She seemed to he in
some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance,
and with a tender look declined giving me the
trouble; looking at her watch, and testifying her
surprise at the negligence of her footman, whom she
had ordered to have a chair ready for her at that
hour. I repeated my entreaty with all the eloquence
and compliment I was master of; and, in the event,
she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I made
to send my servant for a chair or coach: accordingly.
Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned
without success. By this time the play-house was
quite empty, and we were obliged to retire. As I
led her through the passage, I observed five or six
yoimg fellows of fashion, standing in a comer, one
of whom, as I thought, tipt my charmer the wink,
and when we were past, I heard them set up a loud
laugh. This note aroused my attention, and I was
resolved to he fully satisfied of this lady's character,
before I should have any nearer connexion with her.
As no convenience appeared, I proposed to conduct
her to a tavern, where we might stay a few minutes,
till my servant could fetch a coach from the Strand.
. She seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in
a tavern with a stranger; hut at last yielded to my
pathetic remonstrances, rather than endanger her
health, by remaining in a cold damp thoroughfare.
[236]
A PLAY-HOUSE ADVENTURE
Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what
wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of; but
she professed the greatest aversion to all sorts of
strong liquors; and it was with much difficulty that
I could persuade her to eat a jelly. In the mean-
time, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she
discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could
think of; at which she would often sigh, and regard
me with a languishing look, that seemed however too
near akin to the lewd leer of a courtezan. This dis-
covery, added to my former suspicion, while it put
me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of
reserve, and enabled me to entertain her with gaiety
and freedom. In the course of our conversation, I
pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon
her next day at her lodgings; a request which she,
with many apologies, refused, lest it should give um-
brage to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to be
fretted with trifles. This information, by which I
was to understand that her husband was a knight, did
not check my addresses, which became more and more
importunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish
a kiss. But, O Heavens! instead of banqueting on
the ambrosial flavour that her delicacy of complexion
promised, I was almost suffocated with the steams of
Greneva!
An exhalation of this kind, from a mouth which
had just before declared an utter abhorrence of all
spirituous liquors, not only changed my doubts into
certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it
would have been impossible for me to have pre-
served common complaisance five minutes longer,
[ 237 3
RODERICK RANDOM
when my servant returned with the coach. I took
the advantage of this occasion, and presented my
hand to the lady, who put in practice against me the
whole artilleiy of her charms, ogling, languishing,
sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve, that
Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands
with joy as he followed us to the door; but I was
proof against all her endearments, and handed her
into the coach with an intention to take my leave
immediately. She guessed my design, and invited
me to her house, whispering, that now Sir John was
gone to bed, she could have the pleasure of my con-
versation for half an hour without interruption. I
told her, there was no mortification I would not
undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her lady-
ship; and bidding the coachman drive on, wished her
a good night. She lost all temper at my indiffer-
ence, and stopping the coach at the distance of about
twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and
bawled with the lungs of a fish-woman, "D—n
you, you dog, won't you pay for the coach-hire?"
As I made no answer, she held forth against me with
an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me a pitiful
fellow, scoundrel, and an hundred such appellations;
concluding with an oath, that, for all my appearance,
she believed I had got no money in my pocket.
Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered
the coachman to proceed, and I returned to the
tavern, where I bespoke something for supper, very
well pleased at the issue of this adventure. I dis-
pensed with the attendance of the waiter at table, on
pretence that my own servant was present, and when
[238 J
DINNER AT AN ORDINARY
we were alone, said to Strap, "Well, Monsieur
d'^Estrapes, what do you think of this lady ? " My
firiend, who had not opened his mouth since her
departure, could make no other reply than the mono-
syllable, ** Think !" which he pronounced with a note
of fear and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis,
I surveyed my valet, and perceiving a wildness in his
looks asked if he had seen his grandfather''s ghost!
" vrhost!" said he, " I am sure I have seen a devil
incarnate! Who would have thought that so much
devilish malice and Billingsgate could lurk under
such sweetness of countenance and modesty of be-
haviom*? Ah! God help us! Fronti rmUa fides —
nvmwm ne crede colori — but we ought to down on
our knees, and bless God for delivering us from the
jaws of that painted sepulchre," I was pretty much
of Strap^s opinion, and though I did not believe
myself in any danger from the allurements of that
sisterhood, I determined to act with great circum-
spection for the future, and shun all commerce of
that kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and
constitution.
My next care was to introduce myself into a set
of good acquaintance; for which purpose I frequented
a certain :»fiFeehouse, noted for the resort of good
company, English as well as foreigners, where my
appearance produced all the civilities and advances I
could desire. As there was an ordinary in the same
house, I went upstairs to dinner with the other guests,
and found myself at a table with thirteen people,
the greatest part of whom were better dressed than
myself The conversation, which was mostly carried
[239]
RODERICK RANDOM
on 5n French, turned chiefly on politics; and I soon
found the whole company was in the French interest,
myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who
contradicted everything that was advanced in favour
of his Most Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly
English. But this trusty patriot, who had never
been out of his own country, and drew all his maxims
and notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very
unequal to his antagonists, who were superior to him
in learning and experience, and often took the liberty
of travellers, in asserting things which were not
strictly true, because they thought themselves in no
danger of being detected by him. The claim of the
Queen of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy
was fully explained and vindicated by a person who
sat opposite to me, and, by the solemnity of his
manner, and the richness of his apparel, seemed to be
a foreign ambassador. This dissertation produced
another on the Pragmatic Sanction, handled with
great warmth by a young gentleman at my right
hand, dressed in a green frock trimmed with gold,
who justified the French King for his breach of that
contract, and affirmed that he could not have observed
it, without injuring his own glory. Although I was
not at all convinced by this gentleman^s arguments,
I could not help admiring his vivacity, which I
imagined must be the effect of his illustrious birth
and noble education, and accordingly rated him in
my conjecture as a young prince on his travels. The
discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman
of a very martial appearance, to the last campaign,
when the battle of Dettingen was fought over again,
[240]
DEBATE ON PUBLIC AFFAIRS
with so many circumstances to the honour of the
French, and disadvantage of the Allies, that I began
to entertain some doubts of my having been there in
person, and took the liberty to mention some objec-
tions to what he advanced. This freedom introduced
a dispute, which lasted a good while, to the mortifi-
cation of all present; and was at last referred to the
determination of a grave person, whom they styled
Doctor, and who, under a show of great moderation,
decided it against me, with so little regard to truth,
that I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe
terms, to the no small entertainment of the true
English politican, who rejoiced at my defence of a
cause he had so often espoused without success.
My opponent, pleased with the victory he had
gained, affected a great deal of candour, and told me,
he should not have been so positive if he had not
been at great pains to inform himself of each partic-
ular. " Indeed," said he, " I am convinced that, the
previous steps considered, things could not happen
otherwise; for we generals who have seen service,
though we may not be on the spot ourselves, know,
by the least sketch of the disposition, what must be
the event." He then censured, with great freedom,
every circumstance of the conduct of those who
commanded the Allies; from thence made a transi-
tion to the ministry, which he honoured with many
invectives for employing people who had neither
ex^rience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old
officers who had been distinguished for both, dropped
many hints of his own importance, and concluded with
observing, that the French and Spaniards knew
VOL. II.—16 [241]
RODERICK RANDOM
better how to value generals of merit; the good
effects of which are seen in the conquests they gain,
and the admirable discipline of their troops, which
are, at the same time, better clothed and paid than
any soldiers in the universe.
These remarks furnished the green knight with an
opportunity of launching out in the praise of the
French government in general, civil as well as mili-
tary; on which occasion, he made many odious
comparisons to the disadvantage of the English.
Everybody, almost, assented to the observations he
made; and the doctor gave his sanction, by sa3dng,
the people in France were imdoubtedly the happiest
subjects in the world. I was so much astonished
and confounded at their infatuation and effrontery,
that I had not power to utter one word in opposi-
tion to their assertions; but my morose associate
could not put up with the indignity that was offered
to Old England, and therefore, with a satirical grin,
addressed himself to the general in these words:
" Sir, sir, I have often heard it said, * She V a viUan-
ous bird that brfouls her own nest.'' As for what
those people who are foreigners say, I don't mind it,
they know no better; but you, who were bred and
bom, and have got your bread under the English
government, should have more regard to gratitude,
as well as trath, in censuring your native country.
If the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I
suppose they have their own reason for so doing;
and you ought to remember, that you still live on
the bounty of this nation. As for these gentlemen,
(meaning the prince and ambassador,) who make so
^ [ 242 ]
THE GENERAL SILENCED
free with our constitution, laws, and genius of our
people, I think they might show a little more
respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are
to blame in harbouring, protecting, and encouraging
such ungrateful vagrants as they are."
At these words, the chevalier in green started up
in a great passion, and, laying his hand on the hilt
of his hanger, exclaimed, " Ha, f outre!" The Eng-
lishman, on the other hand, grasping his cane, cried,
" Don't foutre me, sirrah, or, by G—d, I '11 knock
you down." The company interposed, the French-
man sat down again, and his antagonist proceeded:
" Lookee, Monsieur, you know very well that, had
you dared to speak so freely of the administration
of your own country in Paris as you have done of
oins in London, you would have been sent to the
Bastille without ceremony, where you might have
rotted in a dungeon, and never seen the light of the
sun again. Now, sir, take my word for it, although
our constitution screens us from such oppression, we
want not laws .to chastise the authors of seditious
discourse; and if I hear another syllable out of your
mouth in contempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I
will give you a convincing proof of what I advance,
and have you laid by the heels for your presump-
tion." This declaration had an effect on the com-
pany as sudden as surprising. The young prince
became supple as a spaniel; the ambassador trem-
bled; the general sat silent and abashed; and the
doctor, who, it seems, had felt the rod of power,
grew pale as death, and assured us all that he had
no intention to affront any person or people. " Your
[243]
RODERICK RANDOM
principles, doctor," resumed the old gentleman, " are
no secret — I have nothing to say to you upon that
head; but am very much surprised that a man who
despises us so much, should, notwithstanding, live
among us, when he has no visible motive for so
doing. Why don't you take up your habitation in
yoim beloved France, where you may rail at England
without censure ? "
To this remonstrance the doctor thought proper
to make no reply; and an unsocial silence ensued;
which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such
idle disputes, maintained very often through whim
or diversion, should create any misunderstanding
among gentlemen of good sense; and proposed to
drink down all animosity in another bottle. This
motion was applauded by the whole company; the
wine was brought, and the English champion, declar-
ing he had no spleen against any man for differing
in opinion from him, any more than for difference
of complexion, drank to the good health of all pres-
ent; the compliment was returned, and the conver-
sation once more became unreserved, though more
general than before. Among other topics, the sub-
ject of war was introduced, on which the general
declaimed with great eloquence, recounting many of
his own exploits by way of illustration. In the
course of his harangue, he happened to mention
the word ipaukment, upon which the testy gentle-
man asked the meaning of that term. "I'll tell
you what an epaulement is," replied he; "I never
saw an epaulement but once, and that was at the
siege of Namur; in a council of war. Monsieur
[244]
the company described
Cohom, the famous engineer, affirmed that the
place could not be taken. 'Yes,' said the Prince
of Vaudemont, ' it may he taken by an epaulement.'
This was immediately put in execution, and, in
twenty-four hours, Mareschal Boufflers was fain to
capitulate."
Here he made a full stop; and the old gentleman
repeated the question, " But pray what is an epaule-
ment ? " To this interrogation the officer made no
reply, but rung the bell, and called for a bill, which
being brought, he threw down his proportion of the
reckoning, and, telling the company he would show
them an epaulement when his Majesty should think
fit to entrust him with the command of our army
abroad, strutted away with great dignity. i could
not imagine why he was so shy of explaining one of
the most simple terms of fortification, which i forth-
with described as a side-work, composed of earth,
gabions, or fascines; but i was very much surprised
when i afterwards understood that his reserve pro-
ceeded from his ignorance. Having paid our bill,
we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my fellow-
labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving
me to understand at the same time, that i had
acquired his good opinion, both with respect to
my principles and understanding.
i thanked him for his compliment, and, professing
myself an utter stranger in this part of the world,
begged he would have the goodness to inform me
of the quality and characters of the people who dined
above. This request was a real favour to one of his
disposition, which was no less communicative than
[ 245 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
curious; he therefore complied with great satisfaction,
and told me, to my extreme astonishment, that the
supposed young prince was a dancer at one of the
theatres, and the ambassador no other than a fiddler
belonging to the opera. " The doctor," said he, " is
a Roman Catholic priest, who sometimes appears in
the character of an officer, and assumes the name of
Captain; but more generally takes the garb, title, and
behaviour of a physician, in which capacity he whee-
dies himself into the confidence of weak-minded
people, and, by arguments no less specious than
false, converts them from their religion and alle-
giance. He has been in the hands of justice more
than once for such practices; but he is a sly dog,
and manages matters with so much craft, that, hith-
ei-to, he has escaped for a short imprisonment. As
for the general, you may see he has owed his promo-
tion more to his interest than his capacity; and, now
that the eyes of the ministry are opened, his friends
dead, or become inconsiderable, he is struck off the
list, and obliged to put up with a yearly pension.
In consequence of this reduction, he is become mal-
content, and inveighs against the government, in all
companies, with so little discretion, that I am sur-
prised at the lenity of the administration in over-
looking his insolence; but the truth of the matter
is, he owes his safety to his weakness and want of
importance. He has seen a little, and but a little,
service; and yet, if you would take his word for it,
there has not been a great action performed in the
field since the Revolution, in which he was not prin-
cipally concerned. When a story is told of any great
[246 J
the company described
general, he immediately matches it with one of him-
self, though he is often unhappy in his invention, and
commits such gross blunders in the detail, that every-
body is in pain for him. Caesar, Pompey, and Alex-
ander the Great are continually in his mouth; and
as he reads a good deal without any judgment to
digest it, his ideas are confused, and his harangues as
unintelligible as infinite; for, once he begins, there
is no chance of his leaving off speaking, while one
person remains to yield attention; therefore the only
expedient i know for putting a stop to his loquacity,
is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered,
and demand an explanation; or ask the meaning of
some difficult term that he knows by name only.
This method will effectually put him to silence, if
not to flight, as it happened when i inquired about
an epcadement. Had he been acquainted with the
signification of that word, his triumph would have
been intolerable, and we must have quitted the field
first, or been worried with impertinence." Having
thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began
to discover his own, in questions relating to myself,
to which i thought proper to return ambiguous
answers. "i presume, sir," said he, "you have
travelled." i answered, " Yes." " i dare say you
would find it very expensive," said he. i replied,
"To be sure, one cannot travel without money."
" That i know by experience," said he, " for i my-
self take a trip to Bath or Timbridge every season;
and one must pay sauce for what he has on the road,
as well in other countries as in this — That's a very
pretty stone in your ring, — give me leave, sir,—
RODERICK RANDOM
the French have attained a wonderful skill in mak-
ing compositions of this kind. Why, now, this looks
almost as well as a diamond." " Almost as well, sir,"
said I, "why not altogether? I am sure, if you
understand an3rthing of jewels, you must perceive at
first sight, that this stone is a real diamond, and
that of a very fine water. Take it in your hand
and examine it." He did so, with some confusion,
and returned it saying, " I ask your pardon, I see it
is a true brilliant of immense value." I imagined his
respect for me increased after this inquiry ; therefore,
to captivate his esteem the more, I told him, I would
show him a seal of composition, engraved after a very
valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch,
with a rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in
gold, and an opal ring. He viewed each of them
with great eagerness, handled the chain, admired the
chased case, and observed, that the whole must have
cost me a vast sum of money. I affected indiffer-
ence, and replied in a careless manner, " Some trifle
of sixty or seventy guineas." He stared in my
face for some time, and then asked if I was an
Englishman? I answered in the negative. "You
are from Ireland then, sir, I presume," said he. I
made the same reply. " O ! perhaps," said he, "you
was bom in one of our settlements abroad." I still
answered, " No." He seemed very much surprised,
and said, he was sure I was not a foreigner. I
made no reply, but left him upon the tenterhooks
of impatient uncertainty. He could not contain
his anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberties
he had taken, and, to encourage me the more to
[248]
A FASHIONABLE DOCTOR
disclose my situation, displayed his own without
reserve:
" I am," said he, " a single man, have a consider-
able annuity, on which I live according to my own
inclination, and make the ends of the year meet very
comfortably. As I have no estate to leave behind
me, I am not troubled with the importunate oflBicious-
ness of relations or legacy hunters, and I consider the
world as made for me, not me for the world: it is
my maxim therefore to enjoy it while I can, and let
futurity shift for itself," While he thus indulged
his own talkative vein, and at the same time, no
doubt, expected a retaliation from me, a young man
entered dressed in black velvet, and an enormous tie
wig, with an air in which natural Jevity and affected
solemnity were so jumbled together, that, on the
whole, he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This
ridiculous oddity danced up to the table at which we
sat, and, after a thousand grimaces, asked my friend,
by the name of Mr. Medlar, if we were not engaged
upon business. My companion put on a surly coun-
tenance, and replied, " No great business, Doctor—
but however" — "Oh! then," cried the physician,
" I must beg your indulgence a little, — pray pardon
me, gentlemen. — Sir," said he, addressing himself to
me," your most humble servant, I hope you will for-
give me, sir — I must beg the favour to sit, sir —
Sir, I have something of consequence to impart to
my friend, Mr. Medlar—Sir, I hope you wiU excuse
my freedom in whispering, sir." Before I had time
to give this complaisant person my permission, Mr.
M^ar cried, " I '11 have no whispering; if you have
[ 249 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
anything to say to me, speak with an audible voice."
The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at this ex-
clamation, and, turning again to me,, made a thou-
sand apologies for pretending to make mystery of
anything, a piece of caution which he said was owing
to his ignorance of my connexion with Mr. Medlar;
but, now he understood I was a finend, he would
communicate what he had to say in my hearing. He
then began, after two or three hems, in this manner:
" You must know, sir, I am just come from dinner at
my Lady Flareit^s (then addressing himself to me), a
lady of quality, sir, at whose table I have the honour
of dining sometimes. There was Lady Stately, and
my Lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and Miss Biddy
Gigler, upon my word, a very good-natured yoimg
lady, with a very pretty fortune, sir. There were
also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and Mr.
Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious young
gentleman. So, sir, her ladyship seeing me exces-
sively fatigued, for she was the last of fifteen patients,
people of distinction, sir, whom I had visited this
forenoon—insisted upon [my] staying dinner, though,
upon my word, I protest I had no appetite; however,
in compliance with her ladyship''s request, sir, I sat
down, and the conversation turning upon different
subjects, among other things, Mr. Chatter asked very
earnestly when I saw Mr. Medlar. I told him I had
not had the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen
hours and a half; for you may remember, sir, it was
nearly about that time; I "won't be positive to a
minute. — * No!' says he, • then I desire you will go
to his lodgings immediately after dinner, and see
[250]
DISCOURSE ON DRINKING
what's the matter with him, for he must certainly
be very bad from having eat last night such a vast
quantity of raw oysters.'" The crusty gentleman,
who, from the solemnity of his delivery, expected
something extraordinary, no sooner heard his con-
elusion, than he started up in a testy humour, crying,
" Pshaw! pshaw! d—n your oysters;" and walked
away after a short compliment of, " Yoirr servant,
sir," to me. The doctor got up also, saying, " I vow
and protest, upon my word, I am actually amazed,"
and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar, which was hard
by, where he was paying for his coffee; there he whis-
pered so loud, that I coirld overhear, " Pray who is
this gentleman?" His friend replied hastily, "I
might have known that before now, if it had not
been for your impertinent intrusion," and walked oflF
very much disappointed.
The ceremonious physician returned immediately,
and sat down by me, asking a thousand pardons for
leaving me alone; and giving me to understand,
lhat what he had communicated to Mr. Medlar at
the bar was an affair of the last importance, that
would admit of no delay. He then called for some
coffee, and larmched out into the virtues of that
berry, which, he said, in cold phlegmatic constitu-
tions, like his, dried up the superfluous moisture, and
braced the relaxed nerves. He told me it was utterly
unknown to the ancients; and derived its name froiri
an Arabian word, which I might easily perceive by
the sound and termination. From this topic he
transferred his disquisitions to the verb drink, which
he affirmed was improperly applied to the taking of
[251]
RODERICK RANDOM
coffee, inasmuch as people did not drink, but sip or
sipple that liquor; that the genuine meaning of
drinking is to quench one^s thirst, or commit a
debauch by swallowing wine; that the Latin word,
which conveyed the same idea was Inhete or potare,
and that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he
was apt to believe they were differently used on
different occasions. For example: to drink a vast
quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an
ocean of liquor, was in Latin potare^ and in Greek
poteein; and, on the other hand, to use it moder-
ately, was hibere, and pinein; that this was only a
conjecture of his own, which, however, seemed to be
supported by the word bibidom, which is particularly
applied to the pores of the skin, that can only drink
a very small quantity of the circumambient mois-
ture, by reason of the smallness of their diameters;
whereas, from the verb poteein is derived the sub-
stantive potamos, which signifies a river, or vast
quantity of liquor, I could not help smiling at
this learned and important investigation; and, to
recommend myself the more to my new acquaint-
ance, whose disposition I was by this time well
informed of, I observed, that what he alleged did
not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in the
writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words
poto and biho indifferently for the same piupose, as
in the twentieth ode of his first Book:
Vile potabis modicis Sabinum cantharis,
et proelo domitam Caleno tu bibes uvam.
That I had never heard of the verb poteein., but
that potamos, potema, and potos were derived from
[252]
i
DISCOURSE ON DRINKING
pino, poso, pepoTca; in consequence of which the
Greek poets never use any other word for festal
drinking. Homer describes Nestor at his cups in
these words:
Nestora d' ouk elathen iache pirwrUa per empes.
And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion
almost in every page,
Pinonti de oinon hedun
Otan pino ton oinon.
Opliz* ego de pino.
And in a thousand other places. The doctor, who,
doubtless, intended by his criticism to give me a
high idea of his erudition, was infinitely surprised to
find hiftiself schooled by one of my appearance; and
after a considerable pause, cried, " Upon my word!
you are in the right, sir — I find I have not consid-
ered this affair with my usual accuracy." Then
accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very well,
the conversation was maintained full two hoius, on
a variety of subjects, in that language; and indeed,
he spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced, not-
withstanding his whimsical appearance, and attention
to trifles, that he was a man of extensive knowledge,
especially in books; he looked upon me, as I after-
wards understood from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in
learning, and proposed that very night, if I was not
engaged, to introduce me to several young gentle-
men of fortune and fashion, with whom he had an
appointment at the Bedford Coffeehouse.
[253]
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
WAGTAIL INTRODUCES ME TO A SET OF FINE GENTLE-
MEN, WITH WHOM I SPEND THE EVENING AT A
TAVERN OUR CONVERSATION THE CHARACTERS
OF MY NEW COMPANIONS THE DOCTOR IS ROASTED
THE ISSUE OF OUR DEBAUCH.
I ACCEPTED his offer with pleasure, and we
went thither in a hackney coach, where-I saw
a great number of gay figures fluttering about,
most of whom spoke to the doctor with great
familiarity. Among the rest stood a group of them
round the fire, whom I immediately knew to be the
very persons who had the night before, by their
laughing, alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had
put herself under my protection. They no sooner
perceived me enter with Doctor Wagtail, for that
was my companion's name, than they tittered and
whispered one to another; and I was not a little sur-
prised to find that these were the gentlemen to whose
acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for
when he observed them together, he told me who they
were, and desired to know by what name he should
introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and
he advanced with great gravity, saying," Gentlemen,
your most obedient—give me leave to introduce my
friend Mr. Random to your society." Then turning
to me, "Mr. Random, this is Mr. Bragwell—Mr.
[254 ]
A SET OF FINE GENTLEMEN
Banter, sir — Mr. Chatter — my friend Mr. Slyboot,
and Mr. Ranter, sir." I saluted each of them in
order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the
hand, I perceived him to thrust his tongue in his
cheek, to the no small entertainment of the company;
but I did not think proper to take any notice of it
on this occasion. Mr. l^nter, too, who I afterwards
learned was a player, displayed his talents, by mim-
icking my air, features, and voice, while he returned
my compliment. This feat I should not have been
so sensible of, had not I seen him behave in the same
manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to
them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits
of his dexterity without question or control, resolved,
however, to chastise his insolence at a more conve-
nient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a
stranger, asked if I had been lately in France; and
when I answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had
seen the Luxembourg galleiy. I told him I had
considered it more than once, with great atten-
tion. Upon this, a conversation ensued, in which
I discovered him to be a painter. While we were
discoursing upon the particulars of this famous col-
lection, I overheard Banter ask Doctor Wagtail where
he had picked up this Mr. Random. To which ques-
tion the physician answered, " Upon my word, a
mighty pretty sort of a gentleman — a man of for-
tune, sir — he has made the grand tour, and seen the
best company in Europe, sir." " What, he told you
so, I suppose ? " said the other; " I take him to be
neither more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre."
-"Oh! barbarous, barbarous!"cried the doctor; "this
[255 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
is actually, upon my word, altogether vmaccountable.
I know aU his family perfectly well, sir; he is of
the Randoms of the north — a very ancient house,
sir, and a distant relation of mine." I was extremely
nettled at the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and be-
gan to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my
company in general; but as I might possibly, by
their means, acquire a more extensive and agreeable
acquaintance, I determined to bear these little morti-
fications as long as I could, without injuring the
dignity of my character. After having talked for
some time on the weather, plays, politics, and other
coffeehouse subjects, it was proposed that we should
spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbour-
hood, whither we repaired in a body. Having taken
possession of a room, called for French wine, and be-
spoke supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and
the characters of my associates opened upon me more
and more. It soon appeared that the doctor was
entertained as a butt for the painter and player to
exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the com-
pany. Mr. Ranter began the game, by asking him
what was good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits,
and indigestion, for he was troubled with all these
complaints to a very great degree.? Wagtail im-
mediately undertook to explain the nature of his
case, and in a very prolix manner harangued upon
prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics,
inanition, and repletion; then calculated the force of
the stomach and lungs in their respective operations;
ascribed the player's malady to a disorder in these
organs, proceeding from hard drinking and vocifera-
[ 256 ]
A NIGHT AT A TAVERN
tion, and prescribed a course of stomachics, with
abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking, laugh-
ing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. " Pah,
pah," cried Ranter, interrupting him, " the remedy is
worse than the disease. I wish I knew where to find
some tinder-water." " Tinder-water !" said the doc-
tor; "upon my word I don't apprehend you, Mr.
Ranter." "Water extracted from tinder," replied
the other, " an universal specific for all distempers
incident to man. It was invented by a learned
German monk, who, for a valuable consideration,
imparted the secret to Paracelsus." " Pardon me,"
cried the painter, " it was first used by Solomon, as
appears by a Greek manuscript in his own hand-
writing, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon,
by a peasant who was digging for potatoes." " Well,"
said Wagtail, " in all my vast reading I never met
with such a preparation ! neither did I know, tiU
this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that
potatoes grew in Palestine." Here Banter interposed,
saying, he was surprised that Doctor Wagtail should
make the least doubt of Solomon's understanding
Greek, when he is represented to us as the wisest and
best educated prince in the world; and as for pota-
toes, they were transplanted thither from Ireland, in
the time of the Crusades, by some knights of that
country. " I profess," said the doctor, " there is
nothing more likely — I would actually give a vast
sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be
inestimable — and if I understood the process, would
set about it immediately."
The player assxured him the process was very
VOL. 11.-17 [257]
RODERICK RANDOM
simple — that he must cram a hundredweight of
dry tinder into a glass retort, and distilling it by the
force of animal heat, it would yield half a scruple
of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose.
" Upon my integrity!" exclaimed the credulous doc-
tor, " this is very amazing! and extraordinary! that
a caput mcniuum shall yield any water at all — I
must own I have always been an enemy to specifics,
which I thought inconsistent with the nature of the
animal economy; but certainly the authority of
Solomon is not to be questioned. I wonder where
I shall find a glass retort large enough to contain
such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of
which must undoubtedly raise the price of paper—
or where I shall find animal heat sufficient even to
warm such a mass." Slyboot informed him, that he
might have a retort blown for him as big as a
church; and that the easiest method of raising the
vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in
the middle of an infirmary for feverish patients, who
might lie upon mattresses around, and in contact
with it. He had no sooner pronounced these words,
than Wagtail exclaimed, in a rapture, " An admira-
ble expedient, as I hope to be saved! I will posi-
tively put it in practice." This simplicity of the
physician furnished excellent diversion for the com-
pany, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical
compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the
genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr. Chatter,
impatient of so long a silence, now broke out, and
entertained us with a catalogue of all the people
who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a
[ 258 }
BANTERING A PHYSICIAN
most circumstantial account of the dress and oma-
ments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the
shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling
Bragwell, that his mistress MeUnda was there, and
seemed to miss him; and soliciting his company at
the next occasion of that kind. " No, no, d—^me,"
said Bragwell, " I have something else to mind than
dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides,
you know my temper is so unruly, that I am apt to
involve myself in scrapes, when a woman is con-
cemed. The last time I was there I had an affair
with Tom Trippet." " O t I remember that," cried
Banter; "you lugged out before the ladies; and I
commend you for so doing, because you had an
opportunity of showing your manhood without run-
ning any risk." " Risk!" said the other, with a
fierce countenance; "d—n my blood! I fear no
risks. I ain''t afraid of lugging out against any
man that wears a head, d—me! ^tis well known
I have drawn blood more than once, and lost some
too; but what does that signify?" The player
begged this champion to employ him as his second
the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted to
see a roan die of a stab, that he might know how .
to act such a part, the more naturally on the stage.
"Die!" replied the hero; "no, by G—d! I know
better things than to incur the verdict of a Middle-
sex jury — I shoidd look upon my fencing-master to<
be ao: ignorant son of a b—h, if he had not taught
me to prick any part of my antagonist's body that I
please to disable." " Oho I" cried Slyboot, " if that
be the case, I have a favour to ask. You must know
C«S9)
RODERICK RANDOM
I am employed to paint a Jesus on the cross; and
my purpose is to represent him at that point of time
when the spear is thrust into his side. Now, I should
be glad if you would, in my presence, pink some
impertinent fellow into convulsions, without endan-
gering his life, that I may have an opportunity of
taking a good clever agony from nature. The doctor
will ^rect you where to enter, and how far to go;
but pray let it be as near the left side as possible."
Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, observed,
that it would be a very difficult matter to penetrate
into the left side of the thorax, without hurting the
heart, and of consequence killing the patient; but
he believed it was possible for a man of a very nice
hand, and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound
the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which
might induce a singultus, without being attended
with death; that he was ready to demonstrate the
insertion of that muscle to Mr. Bragwell; but desired
to have no concern with the experiment, which might
essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of mis-
carriage. Bragwell was as much imposed upon by
the painter's waggery as the doctor, and declined
engaging in the affair, saying, he had a very great
regard for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a
maxim, never to fight except when his honour was
engaged. A thousand jokes of. this kind were
uttered; the wine circulated; supji^ was served in;
we ate heartily; returned to the bottle; Bragwell
became noisy and troublesome; Banter grew more
and more severe; Ranter i-ehearsed; Slyboot made
faces at the whole company; I sung French catches,
[ 260 ]
A DISTRESSED DAMSEL
and Chatter kissed me with great affection; while
the doctor, with a woeful countenance, sat silent,
like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length it was
proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the
hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch,
and then reel soberly to bed.
While we deliberate on this expedition, the waiter
came into the room, and asked for Doctor Wagtail;
when he understood he was present, he told him there
was a lady below to inquire for him ; at which mes-
sage the physician started from his melancholy con-
templation, and, with a look of extreme confusion,
assured the company, he could not possibly be the
person wanted, for he had no connexion with any
lady whatever, and bade the drawer tell her so. " For
shame!" cried Banter, " would you be so impolite as
to refuse a lady the hearing ? perhaps she comes for
a consultation. It must be some extraordinaiy affair
that brings a lady to a tavern at this time o^ night.
Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor's baisemains to the
lady, and squire her hither." The player immedi-
ately staggered out, and returned, leading in, with
much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, whose ap-
pearance proclaimed her occupation. We received
her with the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal
of entreaty she was persuaded to sit, when a profound
silence ensued, during which she fixed her eyes, with a-
disconsolate look, on the doctor, who was utterly con-
founded at her behaviour, and returned her melancholy
fourfold. At length, after a good many piteous sighs,
she wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus: " What!
not one word of comfort ? Will nothing soften that
[261 ]
RODERICK RANDOM
stonj heart of thine ? Not all my tears! not all my
{^i<kion! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought
upon me! Where are thy vows, thou faithless per-
jured man ? Hast thou no honour — no conscience
— no remorse for thy perfidious conduct towards me?
—Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must
I have recourse to heaven or hell for my revenge?'"
If poor Wagtail was amazed before she spoke, what
must his confusion be on hearing this address! His
natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour,
his eyes rolled, his lips trembled, and he answered, in
an accent not to be described, "Upon my word,
honour, and salvation! madam, you are actually misr
tak^ in my person. I have a most particular vener-
ation for your sex, and am actually incapable of
injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam ; —
besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I
never had the honour of seeing you before, as I
hope to be saved, madam!" " How, traitor!" cried
she, " dost thou disown me then ? — Mistaken! no,
too well I know that fair bewitching face; too well
I know that false enchanting tongue! —Alas! gentle-
men, since the villain compels me, by his unkindness,
to expose myself and him, know that this betrayer,
under the specious pretence of honourable addresses,
won my heart, and, taking advantage of his conquest,
robbed me of my virgin ti-easure, and afterwards
abandoned me to my fate! I am now four months
gone with child by him, turned out of doors by my
relations, and left a prey to misery and want t Yes,
thou barbarian," said she, turning to Wagtail, " thou
tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situ-
£2621
WAGTAIL'S REMONSTRANCE
ation — but I will tear out thy faithless hearty and
deliver the world from such a monster."
So saying, she sprung forward at the doctor, who
with incredible agility jumped over the table, and ran
behind Bragwell, while the rest of us endeavoured to
appease the furious heroine. Although evCTybody in
the company affected the utmost surprise, I could
easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them
to produce diversion at the doctor's expense; and
being under no concern about the consequence, I en-
tered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the distress
of Wagtail, who, with t^rs in his eyes, begged the
protection of the company, declaring himself as inno-
cent of the crime laid to his charge, as the foetus in
utax>; and hinting, at the same time, that nature had
not put it into his power to be guilty of such a tres-
pass. "Nature!" cried the lady; "there was no
nature in the case — he abused me by the help of
charms and spells; or else how is it possible that any
woman could have listened to the addresses of such a
scarecrow ? Were these owlish eyes made for (^ling;
that carrion complexion to be admired; or that mouth
like a horse-shoe to be kissed? No, no, you owe
your success to your philtres, to your drugs and in-
cantations; and not to your natural talents, which are
in every respect mean and contemptible." The doctor
now thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating
himself effectually; and desired the complainant to
compose herself but for half an hour, in whidi he
undertook to prove the absurdity of believing in the
power of incantations, which were only idle dreams
of ignorance and si:q)ersti'tion. He accordingly pro-
[263]
RODERICK RANDOM
nounced a very learned discourse upon the nature of
ideas, the power and independence of the mind, the
properties of stimulating medicines, the difference
between a proneness to venety, which many simples
would create, and a passion limited to one object,
which can only be the result] of sense and reflection ;
and concluded with a pathetic remonstrance, setting
forth his unhappiness in being persecuted with the
resentment of a lady whom he had never injured,
nor even seen before that occasion, and whose facul-
ties were, in all likelihood, so much impaired by her
misfortunes, that an innocent person was in danger
of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner
finished his harangue, than the forlorn princess re-
newed her lamentations, and cautioned the company
against his eloquence, which, she said, was able to bias
the most impartial bench in Christendom. Banter
advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only
means to salve his reputation, and offered to accom-
pany him to the Fleet for that purpose; but Slyboot
proposed that a father should be purchased for the
child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the
mother. Ranter promised to adopt the infant gratis.
Wagtail was ready to worship him for his generosity;
and, though he persisted in protesting his innocence,
condescended to ever3rthing, rather than his unblem-
ished character should be called in question. The
lady rejected the proposal, and insisted on matrimony.
Bragwell took up the cudgels for the doctor, and
undertook to rid him of her importunity for half a
guinea; upon which Wi^tail, with great eagerness,
pulled out his purse, and put it into the hand of his
[264]
A QUARREL FOMENTED
friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave it to
the plaintiff, and bade her thank God for her good
fortune. When she had received this bounty, she
affected to weep, and begged, since the physician had
renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a part-
ing kiss. This he was prevailed upon to grant, with
great reluctance, and went up with his usual solemnity
to salute her; when she laid hold of his cheek with
her teeth, and held fast, while he roared with anguish,
to the unspeakable diversion of all present. When
she thought proper to release him, she dropped a low
curtsey to the company, and quitted the room, leav-
ing the doctor in the utmost horror, not so much on
account of the pkin, as the apprehension of the con-
sequence of the bite; for by this time he was con-
vinced of her being mad. Banter prescribed the
actual cautery, and put the poker in the fire to be
heated, in order to sear the place. The player was
of opinion that Bragwell should scoop out the part
affected with the point of his sword; but the painter
prevented both tbese dreadful operations, by recom-
mending a balsam he had in his pocket, which never
failed to cure the bite of a mad dog. So saying, he
pulled out a small bladder of black paint; with which
he instantly anointed not only the sore, but the
greatest part of the patient's face, and left it in a
frightful condition. In short, the poor creature was
so harassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him
extremely, and sent him home Li a chair, contrary to
the inclination of everybody present.
This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell,
who testified his displeasiure, by swearing a few
[ 265 J
RODERICK RANDOM
threats, without making any application; which
being perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, he,
with a view of promoting a quarrel, whispered to
me, that he thought Bragwell used me very ill; but
every man was the best judge of bis own affairs. I
answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr.
Bragwell nor him to use me ill with impunity, and
that I stood in no need of his coimsel, in r^ard to
the regulation of my conduct. He thought proper
to ask a thousand pardons, and assured me he meant
no offence; while Bragwell feigned himself asleep,
that he might not be obliged to take notice of
vdiat passed. But the player, who had more animal
spirits and less discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to
let the affair rest where he had dropped it, jogged
Mr. Bragwell, and told him softly, that I called him
names and threatened to cudgel him. This particulm-
I understood by his starting, and crying, " Blood and
wounds! you lie! No man durst treat me so igno-
miniously — Mr. Random, did you call me names,
and threaten to drub me ? ^ I denied the imputa-
tion, and proposed to punish the scoundrel, who
endeavoured to foment disturbance in the company.
Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his
sword; I did the same, and accosted the actor in
these words: " Lookee, Mr. Ranter, I know you pos-
sess all the mimicry and mischievous qualities of an
ape, because I have observed you put them all in
practice more than once to-night, on me and others;
now I want to see if you resemble one in nimoleness
also; therefore I desire you to leap over this sword
without hesitation.'" So sapng, 1 held it parallel
[266]
THE COMPANY SEPARATE
to the horizon, at the distance of about three feet
from the floor, and called, "Once—twice—r.thrice,
and away; but, instead of complying with my com-
mand, he snatched his hat and hanger, and assuming
the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst out
into the following exclamation; " Ha! must I then
perform inglorious prank, of sylvan ape in moun-
tain forest caught! Death rock me asleep, abridge
my doleful days, and lay my head in Fury's lap!
Have we not Hiren here ? " This buffoonery did not
answer his expectation, for by this time the company
was bent on seeing him in a new character. Mr.
Banter desired me to hold my sword a foot or two
higher, that he might have the better opportunity
of exerting himself. The painter told him, if he per-
formed well, he would recommend him as a vaulter
to the proprietors of Sadler's'Wells; and Bragwell,
crying " Leap for the king," applied, the point of his
sword to the player's posteriors with such success,
'that he sprung over in a trice, and, finding the door
unguarded, vanished in a twinkling; glad, no doubt,
of having paid his share of the reckoning so easily.
It being now near two o'clock in the morning, we
discharged the bill, and sallied out into the street.
The painter slimk away without taking his leave.
Billy Chatter, being unable to speak or stand, was
sent to a bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied
Bragwell to Moll King's coffeehouse, where, after he
had kicked half a dozen hungry whores, we left him
asleep on a bench, and directed our 0001*50 towards
Charing Cross, near which place both he and I
lodged.
[867]
RODERICK RANDOM
The natural dryness of my companion being over-
come by liquor, he honoured me by the way with
many compliments and professions of friendship, for
which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told
him I thought myself happy in having, by my
behaviour, removed the unfavourable opinion he
entertained of me at first sight. He was surprised
at this declaration, and begged me to explain
myself: upon which I mentioned what I had over-
heard him say of me to Wagtail in the coffeehouse.
He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom,
assuring me, that my appearance had very much
prepossessed him in my favour; and what he said
was only intended as a joke on the doctor's solem-
nity. I was highly pleased at being undeceived in
this particular, and not a little proud of the good
opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand at
parting, and promised to meet me next day at the
ordinary.
KND OF VOL. n.
[268]
823.6 S66.2 1
lllllllll 1
II
II
II III
II
3 5556 006 992 572
823.6
S66.2
v,l