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MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 VOLUME V 
 
 The Drama League Series of Plays 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts and 
 an Epilogue 
 
 BY 
 
 HENRY ARTHUR JONES 
 
 Thus it appears that the Honours and Dignities 
 adjudged by the State, serve often but to varnish the 
 Stratagems and Pretences whereby they have been 
 obtained; and the Claim to Precedency is shewn 
 to be the Claim of those, who have no other Claim 
 to our Admiration and Esteem. — Fettleworth's 
 Credentials of Merit (1764), Chapter on Titles. 
 
 WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY 
 
 CLAYTON HAMILTON 
 
 GARDEN CITY NEW YORK: 
 
 DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 
 1914 
 

 Copyright, 1913, by 
 Henry A. Jones 
 
 Copyright, Idllf., by 
 DOUBLEDAY PaGE & CoMPANY 
 
 In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading 
 public only, and no performances of it may be given. 
 Any piracy or infringement will be prosecuted in accord- 
 ance with the penalties provided by the United States 
 Statutes : — 
 
 Sec. 4966. — Any person publicly performinis: or representing 
 any dramatic or musical composition, for which copyright has 
 been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of the said 
 dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs or assigns, shall 
 be liable for damages therefor, such damages in all cases to be 
 assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the 
 first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to 
 the Court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance 
 and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or per- 
 sons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be 
 imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year. — U. S. Revised 
 Statutes, Title 60, Chap. 3. 
 
 MAY 28 1914 T^ 
 
 ©CLD 37145 
 
DEDICATION 
 TO MISS MARIE TEMPEST 
 
 Dear Marie Tempest: 
 
 An author who has spent many months in the 
 perplexing business of constructing and writing a 
 play naturally grows tired of it as soon as, or even 
 before, it is produced. It is a tribute to your delight- 
 ful performance of Mary Whichello that, though I 
 find a decreasing interest in watching the play, I 
 find an increasing pleasure in watching your per- 
 formance. 
 
 In every play it matters little what the author 
 has conceived and written, if it is not vitalized by 
 the actor. It is only that part of a play, or that part 
 of a character, which is thus vitalized by the acting 
 — it is only this which counts with an audience. 
 
 How wonderfully you have vitalized every mo- 
 ment of Mary Whichello ! How right is every accent, 
 how clearly cut every gesture, how significant every 
 movement, every glance, every look! What a happy 
 [v] 
 
DEDICATION 
 
 vivacity of mischief, what a fascinating, busy energy 
 there is about it all, like that of some pretty butter- 
 fly suddenly become industrious ! 
 
 You seem to have a perpetual enjoyment in your 
 art. It isn't work; it is just a pleasurable activity, 
 which infects all who watch it. In these days of 
 long runs, how often does one notice a decline of the 
 actor's interest in his work after the first few weeks 
 of a successful play. The general performance is 
 apt to grow stale and perfunctory. If it is a comedy, 
 it is forced into a noisy farce ; if it is a serious drama, 
 it loses its freshness and sincerity of feeling. But an 
 impersonation of yours continuously retains its first 
 bright, eager impulse; it remains spontaneous to the 
 end, and kindles a responsive sympathy of laughter 
 and emotion as surely on the last night as on the 
 first. 
 
 Gratefully and admiringly yours. 
 
 VI 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 Mary Goes First is an example of a type of drama 
 which has not as yet, to any great extent, been cul- 
 tivated in America; for this type — which is com- 
 monly called High Comedy — requires for its inspi- 
 ration a social tradition that has been handed down 
 for centuries. It has frequently been said that it 
 takes three generations to make a gentleman; but 
 it takes more than three to develop a Comedy of 
 Manners." Manners do not become a theme for 
 satire until they have been crystallized into a code; 
 and, to laugh politely, a playwright must have an 
 aristocracy to laugh at. The spirit of our people, is 
 inexorably opposed to the very idea of an aristocracy 
 of birth: we cannot have an aristocracy of wealth, 
 since the phrase itself presents an irresoluble con- 
 tradiction in terms; and we have hardly yet had 
 time to develop an aristocracy of culture. To all 
 intents and purposes, the United States is still a 
 country without an upper class; and the chaos of 
 our social system precludes the possibility of social 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 satire in our native drama. As Mr. Walter Prichard 
 Eaton has pithily remarked, most of our American 
 comedies must be classed as Comedies of Bad Man- 
 ners. We laugh uproariously at impoliteness on our 
 stage, because we have not yet learned to laugh 
 delicately at politeness. We are amused at the 
 eccentricities of bad behavior, because we have not 
 yet learned to be amused at the eccentricities of good 
 behavior. 
 
 High Comedy is the last of all dramatic types to 
 be established in the art of any nation; and until we 
 have had time to develop a native Comedy of Man- 
 ners, we must content ourselves with an appreciation 
 of the social satires of our somewhat elder cousins 
 overseas. In this particular domain of art, America 
 is still a province of Great Britain. 
 
 Among contemporary British dramatists, no other 
 has been so signally successful in the handling of 
 High Comedy as Mr. Henry Arthur Jones. In a 
 notable series of comedies — among which may be 
 mentioned The Liars, The Case of Rebellious Susan, 
 The Manoeuvres of Jane, Whitewashing Julia, Joseph 
 Entangled, and Dolly Reforming Herself — he has 
 satirized the foibles of the British aristocracy. Most 
 of these pieces were originally presented at the Cri- 
 f viii ] 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 terion Theatre, in London, which is perhaps the most 
 aristocratic playhouse in the EngUsh-speaking world; 
 and the author enjoyed the initial advantage of set- 
 ting up a mirror before the very people who ap- 
 plauded his compositions from the stalls. 
 
 In selecting the characters for Mary Goes First, 
 the author has descended a rung or two on the ladder 
 of social precedence. Instead of exhibiting aristo- 
 crats, he has chosen to present people who are merely 
 ambitious of aristocracy; and he makes fun of their 
 innate inability to conform with the code of conduct 
 which* is an obligation of that nobility to which they 
 ineffectually aspire. These people — to define them 
 with a word that was lifted into literature by the late 
 Clyde Fitch — are social "climbers"; and they are 
 funny mainly because they fail to understand the 
 principle that noblesse oblige. 
 
 Though we have no knighthoods and no baronet- 
 cies in America, and though we seldom trouble our 
 minds about the order of a procession to the dinner- 
 table, this struggle for social and political precedency 
 in a small industrial city suggests many recognizable 
 counterparts in our own habitual experience; and 
 Mr. Jones's satire is, in this case, nearly as applicable 
 to life in the United States as it is to life in England, 
 [ix] 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 From the artistic standpoint, Mary Goes First 
 must be regarded as a very notable achievement. 
 In High Comedy, it is desirable that the incidents 
 should seem to issue inevitably from the characters; 
 and this piece is almost utterly a comedy of character 
 rather than a comedy of incident. All who are famil- 
 iar with the serious dramas of Mr. Jones must agree 
 that one of his greatest gifts for the theatre is the 
 faculty for story -telling; yet, in this comedy, he has 
 managed artfully to make his effect with scarcely any 
 story. The piece narrates a single incident — which, 
 in itself, is trivial — and exhibits the subsequent 
 effect of this single incident on the characters of all 
 the people to whom it seems momentous. The plot 
 of the play is purely psychological ; and the action is 
 developed not so much upon the stage as within the 
 minds of the comically unimportant people who re- 
 gard their destinies as hanging upon minor matters 
 which the audience perceives to be absurd. 
 
 Attention should be directed to the technical 
 dexterity which is displayed in the staging of this 
 comedy. The entire piece is set forth in a single room 
 — a room, moreover, which has only one door that is 
 available for entrances and exits. To be sure, an 
 adjoining room is partially displayed behind an open- 
 
 [x] 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 ing that is hung with curtains, and this secondary 
 room is employed as a means for the temporary with- 
 drawal of certain characters from participation in the 
 dialogue; but there is only one door through which 
 the story — so to speak — is afforded conununication 
 with the outside world. This constricted stage-set 
 was, of course, suggested to the author by the exi- 
 gencies of his final curtain-fall. To accentuate the 
 effect of what may be called — in the slang of the 
 theatre — the "biggest laugh" of the comedy, it 
 was necessary that there should be only one available 
 exit from the scene; but so naturally has Mr. Jones 
 arranged, the entrances and exits of his characters 
 that the hasty reader might not even notice that 
 a scarcely precedented technical diflSculty had, in 
 this case, been accepted and surmounted. 
 
 No less admirable, in illustration of sheer crafts- 
 manship, is what may be called the "time-scheme" 
 of this play. Consider, for example, the novel ad- 
 vantage which the author has derived, in the middle 
 of his first act, from the device, now generally ac- 
 cepted in the theatre, of lowering the curtain for a few 
 seconds to indicate a lapse of time. By applying this 
 device to indicate the passing of the dinner-hour, 
 Mr. Jones has managed deftly to separate his women 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 from his men, so that the altercation between Mary 
 and Lady Bodsworth may take place in a purely 
 feminine environment, before the men return from 
 table. Consider also the cleverness of inventing a 
 dressmaking establishment to account for the nec- 
 essary minutes spent off-stage by Mary in Act II, 
 and the skill with which Mr. Jones has brought the 
 club, the railway-station, and many other off-stage 
 localities, as clearly into the total map of his narra- 
 tive as the single room which we actually see. 
 
 Since this is a comedy of character, and since 
 there is very little physical action to illustrate the 
 contrasted personalities, the burden of the comedy 
 must be borne almost entirely by the dialogue. This 
 dialogue is written with a literary mastery that can 
 be appreciated only by those who are familiar with 
 the requirements of the stage. Prof. Brander 
 Matthews has distinguished three types of witticism 
 in the drama, — the wit of words, the wit of situation, 
 and the wit of character. Of these three types, the 
 crudest and most easy is the first, and the most dif- 
 ficult and most artistic is the last. A verbal witticism 
 is quotable apart from its context, and is therefore not 
 inherent in the situation or the character; but the 
 funniest lines in comedy are never quotable, because 
 [ xii ] 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 their humor is dependent on the fact that they are 
 said in a certain situation or by a certain person. 
 In the entire dialogue of Mary Goes First there is 
 scarcely a line that could be quoted as funny in itself, 
 because of its formula of words; and yet the dialogue 
 as a whole is unfalteringly funny, because of the 
 people who speak the lines, and the situations which 
 inspire them. The word " improper " is by no means 
 funny in itself; and yet whenever, in the later acts of 
 this comedy, it trembles on the lips of the heroine, 
 we laugh heartily at the reminiscence of a phrase in 
 which the word was first singled out to our attention. 
 The final touch of art that must be noted in this 
 comedy is its a.pparent simplicity and naturalness. 
 As Mr. Max Beerbohm has remarked, in apprecia- 
 tion of the craftsmanship of Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, 
 "We are not made conscious of it while the play is 
 in progress. From the very outset we are aware 
 merely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving 
 with apparent freedom and naturalness. It is only 
 when the play is over that we notice the art of it." 
 
 Clayton Hamilton. 
 
The following is the cast of the comedy as it xvas first per- 
 formed at the Playhouse, London, under the management 
 of Miss Marie Tempest. 
 
 To-night, Thursday, September 18th, 1913, at 7.30, and 
 every following Evening at 8.30 
 
 Miss MARIE TEMPEST will present, for the First Time, a 
 
 New and Original Comedy, called 
 
 MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 By HENRY ARTHUR JONES 
 
 Thus it appears that the Honours and Dignities ad- 
 judged by the State serve often but to vanish the 
 Stratagems and Pretences whereby they have been 
 obtained; and the claim to Precedency is shewn to be 
 the claim of those who have no other claim to our 
 Admiration and Esteem. — Fettleworth's Credentials 
 of Merit (1764), Chapter on Titles. 
 
 Sir Thomas Bodsworth 
 Richard Whichello . 
 Felix Galpin 
 Mr. Tadman 
 Dr. Chesher . 
 Harvey Betts {one of the 
 
 Junior Liberal Whips) 
 Pollard 
 Dakin 
 
 Lady Bodsworth 
 Ella Southwood 
 Mrs. Tadman . 
 
 Mr. Kenyon Musgrave 
 Mr. Charles V. France 
 Mr. W. Graham Browne 
 Mr. George Shelton 
 Mr. Herbert Ross 
 
 Mr. Richard Lluellyn 
 Mr. John Alexander 
 Mr. Horton Cooper 
 Miss Hamley Clifford 
 Miss Margaret Bruhling 
 Miss Claire Pauncefort 
 and 
 Mary (Mrs.) Whichello Miss Marie Tempest 
 
 The Play produced by Mr. W. Graham Browne 
 [xiv] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
PERSONS REPRESENTED 
 
 Sir Thomas Bodsworth, knight. 
 
 Richard Whichello, 
 
 Felix Galpin. 
 
 Mr. Tadman. 
 
 Dr. Chesher. 
 
 Harvey Betts, one of the Junior Liberal Whips. 
 
 Pollard. 
 
 Dakin. 
 
 Lady Bodsworth. 
 Mary Whichello. 
 Ella Southwood. 
 Mrs. Tadman. 
 
 The scene is laid throughout in Felix Galpin's house, at Saint 
 John's Hill, the "residential" suburb of the manufacturing town 
 of Warkinstall. 
 
ACT I 
 
 scene: Drawing-room at Felix Galpin's, on an 
 evening in early January. At the hack, left, is a 
 ivide opening, hung loith curtains, which are open 
 and give a view of a further room. In the right 
 corner at hack is a door. On the right side in the 
 centre is a large fireplace. On the left side down stage 
 is a how loindow. The rooms are hrightly and com- 
 fortably furnished in a modern style. There is an 
 ahsence of feminine knick-knacks. Nothing indicates 
 very good or very had taste in the occupier. Every- 
 thing is ordinary and wnohtrusive; the furniture 
 is such as icould he carelessly chosen by a young 
 professional man from the hest shop in a large 
 provincial town. A card-table open, with packs 
 of cards and bridge markers, is at the back. A 
 bright fire is burning and the room is well 
 lighted and looks cheerful. A few flowers on 
 the shelf, and a large, handsome bouquet on a table, 
 left. 
 
 ]3] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Discover: Dakin the butler. Enter Dr. Chesher, m 
 Harley Street physician, about sixty, in evenings 
 dress. 
 
 Chesher. Mr. Galpin back from the officei 
 
 yet? 
 
 Dakin. Yes, sir. He arrived just after you had! 
 gone up to dress. Here he is, sir. 
 
 Enter Felix Galpin, a good-looking young lawyer,, 
 rather over thirty; smart, amiable, good-tempered; ai 
 very engaging personality. He is in evening dress,, 
 with a very rare orchid in his buttonhole. 
 
 Felix [Advancing cordially to Chesher, shaking 
 hands]. Ah, my dear Uncle! How are you.'' 
 
 Chesher. Excellent! 
 
 Felix [To Dakin]. Dakin, get on to the cham- 
 pagne with the fish. Keep the glasses filled. 
 
 Dakin. Yes, sir. [Going. . 
 
 Felix. And Dakin, when you announce Sir 
 Thomas and Lady Bods worth, throw it up a bit — 
 [illustrating] — "Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth." ' 
 Like that! 
 
 Dakin. Yes, sir. [Exit. 
 
 Felix. He only got his knighthood last week, 
 and she was a grocer's daughter; so they'll like 
 [41 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 to hear their title rolled out. Well, my dear 
 Uncle, it's awfully good of you to run down to this 
 hole 
 
 Chesher, How are things looking? 
 
 Felix. Thundering bad. The Warkinstall peo- 
 ple are too busy to go to law. They spend all their 
 time making portmanteaus and harness instead of 
 going to law and doing me a good turn. I've only 
 had one job for a fortnight. 
 
 Chesher. But the practice was a good one when 
 you bought it. 
 
 Felix. It had gone down. And when my pred- 
 ecessor died, old Tadman nipped in and collared 
 the best part of it. 
 
 Chesher [Looking round]. But you've taken this 
 big house in the best suburb — and you're giving din- 
 ner parties 
 
 Felix. All the best people, such as they are, live 
 In St. John's Hill. So I took this house, dine them, 
 go to church regularly, fuss up iall the old dowagers, 
 play cricket and lawn tennis with the young people, 
 subscribe to all their confounded charities, just to 
 get in with them all. 
 
 Chesher. In order to arrive, you show every- 
 body that you have arrived. 
 [5] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. That's it. But if I don't arrive very soon i 
 I shall have to change my point of view, chuck the: 
 Tories and Church people, and go in a mucker for: 
 dissent and radicalism. 
 
 Chesher. Will that be necessary? 
 
 Felix. It's absolutely necessary that I shouldn't^ 
 starve. My income last year was eighty-six pounds. | 
 I've got seven pounds in the bank, and I haven't 
 paid for to-night's dinner party. Isn't it about time 
 I changed my political principles? 
 
 Chesher. It is better to change one's political 
 principles than to starve. 
 
 Felix. Oh, if it comes to principles, my princi- 
 ples are thoroughly Tory — so far as they go. Es- 
 pecially as in Warkinstall all the nicest people are 
 Tories. 
 
 Chesher. The present member is a Tory, isn't 
 he? 
 
 Felix. Elkington? Yes, Elkington is a strong 
 Tory. 
 
 Chesher. The object of going into politics beingj 
 to get something out of it, the question for a sensible 
 man is which party he can get most out of. 
 
 Felix. Just so. And I should have turned over 
 
 to the Radicals before this only 
 
 [61 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Chesher, Only? 
 
 Felix. I've lately got very friendly with the 
 Whichellos. 
 
 Chesher. The Whichellos.'^ 
 
 Felix. They're quite the best people in Warkin- 
 stall, rather a different cut from the rest. He's a 
 big manufacturer here, and a very decent fellow. 
 Mrs. Whichello is the leader of Warkinstall society 
 — if you can call it Society. She bosses everything 
 in Warkinstall — or she has bossed everything up to 
 now. But now old Bodsworth has got this title — 
 he's another big manufacturer and the Mayor of 
 Warkinstall — he has just built a barn of a sana- 
 torium, and got this knighthood for it 
 
 Chesher. Oh, yes. I saw his name in the New 
 Year's honors last week — very low down. 
 
 Felix. Well, low down or not, he has got his 
 knighthood. And jolly hard he and Lady Bods- 
 worth have worked to get it — out of a Liberal Gov- 
 ernment. I don't think the Whichellos will quite 
 like it, Mrs. Whichello especially. She's a delightful 
 little woman, but she does like to play first fiddle. 
 Oh, doesn't she? And now I expect Lady Bodsworth 
 will want to have a look-in. 
 
 Chesher. They're coming to-night? 
 [7] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Yes, the Whichellos, the Bodsworths, the* 
 Tadmans, and — Miss Southwood. I 
 
 Chesher. Miss Southwood? 
 
 Felix. Mrs. Whichello's sister — such a charm- 
 ing girl — in fact, well — I'm engaged to her. 
 
 Chesher. On eighty-six pounds a year? 
 
 Felix. Ella has a little money of her own. We 
 aren't formally engaged, except between our two 
 selves. But Mrs. Whichello is on our side, and II 
 don't think Whichello will stand out. Ella is only 
 nineteen, and Whichello is her guardian. That's 
 the reason I haven't gone over to the Radicals. 
 
 Chesher. Why? 
 
 Felix. Whichello is a Tory, and very strong on 
 Tariff Reform, so I've got to keep in with him. And 
 I thought if only I can manage to hang on for a year 
 or two with the Tories and Church people — Tad- 
 man's getting old and groggy — he may pop off 
 some day 
 
 Chesher. What is the amount of Miss Soutl 
 wood's fortune? 
 
 Felix. Five or six hundred a year. But I don| 
 want to sponge on her. And if you'd stand by ml 
 for a bit — you've been such a good friend — I don'j 
 
 like to ask you, but 
 
 [8] 
 
 ■I 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Chesher. All right, my dear boy, I'll see what I 
 can do. 
 
 Felix. Thanks. It's awfully good of you. And 
 now you're down here, you might give me a lift with 
 the Bods worths. 
 
 Chesher. How? 
 
 Felix. Bodsworth's sanatorium is going to pot. 
 They've killed a patient with radium. He was a 
 favorite curate 
 
 Chesher. Seems a drastic measure to take — 
 even with a curate. 
 
 Felix. Then Bodsworth is very keen on hot 
 water. And he's having ructions with the doctors 
 about the treatment. Then just as he gets his 
 knighthood, there's a blazing scandal about a young 
 house surgeon and one of the nurses — I've asked 
 him to show you over the sanatorium to-morrow 
 morning. 
 
 Chesher. Thank you. What for? 
 
 Felix. Well, as you're a leading London physi- 
 cian, he'll be flattered. You might buck him up 
 about his hot- water treatment — he may be having 
 a lawsuit with the doctors 
 
 Chesher. In that case, I should probably be on 
 the side of the doctors. 
 
 [9] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. But hot water must be a cure for some 
 diseases. Isn't it? 
 
 Chesher. As a panacea it's about equal to most 
 other cures. 
 
 Felix. Well, there you are. And you can praise 
 the situation — the salubrious air and the magnifi- 
 cent view — miles and miles of heather — and I say, 
 I've put you next to Lady Bodsworth at dinner to- 
 night — of course I take her in — you sit next 
 
 Chesher. What subject of conversation would 
 be congenial to her? 
 
 Felix. Oh, the knighthood. You needn't talk 
 about anything else. She has only been "my lady" 
 a week, I'm giving this little dinner in honor of the 
 event. I got that bouquet down from Covent Gar- 
 den to present to her. 
 
 Chesher [Smelling]. Gorgeous! 
 
 Felix. Isn't it? 
 
 Chesher. Looks almost equal to a baronetcy. 
 
 Felix [Listening, taking out ivatch]. There's a 
 motor just driven up. You haven't congratulated 
 me about Ella. 
 
 Chesher. I do, most heartily. 
 
 Felix. Wait till you see her. I wish for her sake 
 I'd gone in for politics instead of the law, especially 
 f 10 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 now there's four hundred a year to start with. My 
 old Charterhouse chum, Harvey Betts, has just been 
 made Junior Whip to the Liberal Party. 
 
 Chesher. So I see in the papers this morning. 
 
 Felix. When Harvey was at Oxford he was the 
 fiercest young Tory. Russian despotism was too 
 mild for him. 
 
 Chesher. When a man talks that kind of non- 
 sense at twenty, you know he'll talk the other kind 
 of nonsense before he's forty. 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin- [Announces]. Miss South wood. 
 
 Ella enters in evening dress, an attractive modern 
 girl of nineteen. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Felix. How d'ye do? [Shaking hands.] 
 
 Ella. Oh, Mr. Galpin, Mary has sent me on to 
 
 say that she and Dick may be a few minutes late. 
 
 Will you excuse them? 
 
 Felix. Certainly. [Introducing.] My uncle, Dr. 
 
 Chesher, Miss Southwood. 
 
 Chesher. How d'ye do? [Shaking hands.] 
 Ella. How d'ye do? Is this your first visit to 
 
 Warkinstall? 
 
 [Hi 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Chesher. Yes. I've not been able to get away 
 since my nephew has settled here. 
 
 Ella. I hope you'll come again. [To Felix.] 
 
 Mary has given me a message for you [Slightly 
 
 glancing at Chesher.] 
 
 Chesher [Taking the hint]. Felix, I've got a tele- 
 gram to send. Will you excuse me? 
 
 [Exit Chesher. Felix watches him off, then 
 goes quickly to Ella and snatches a kiss.] 
 
 Felix [Very admiringly]. You look charming! 
 
 Ella. Do I? I've been so rushed — I had to 
 throw my things on. Mary's terribly upset. 
 
 Felix. What about.? 
 
 Ella. Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Felix. What's the matter? 
 
 Ella. The woman has become quite insufferable. 
 She does nothing but wallow in this knighthood. 
 
 Felix. It is rather a dizzy honor. Give me an- 
 other kiss — [they kiss] — and tell me all about Lady 
 Bodsworth's wallowing. 
 
 Ella. Her head's turned. She insists on patron- 
 izing Mary. Fancy any one patronizing Mary! 
 There was quite a flare-up after the meeting this 
 afternoon. 
 
 Felix. Meeting? 
 
 f 12 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Ella. This Working Girls' Protection Society 
 that they are getting up. 
 
 Felix. Oh, yes — to look after the behavior of 
 the factory girls. 
 
 Ella. Well, it has been rather shocking. And 
 last month the wives of the manufacturers met, and 
 decided to form a Girls' Protection Society, and let 
 all the factory girls know that they'd be expected to 
 join. 
 
 Felix. Kind of Mutual Moral Insurance Com- 
 pany.. 
 
 Ella. Mary took a lot of trouble, and naturally 
 she expected to be made president. 
 
 Felix. And wasn't she? 
 
 Ella. No. Lady Bodsworth has worked the 
 thing and this afternoon at the meeting she was 
 elected president. And she positively gloated over 
 Mary. 
 
 Felix. Did she? Give me another kiss — 
 [snatcJiing a kiss] — and tell me what Mary did 
 when Bodsworth gloated. 
 
 Ella. She came home and nearly had hysterics. 
 
 Felix. Nearly? I wonder she didn't quite. 
 However, I suppose we shall have to let Lady Bods- 
 worth gloat. 
 
 [13] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Ella. No. Mary sent me on to say that as the 
 knighthood has only been announced, and Mr. Bods- 
 worth hasn't yet got the title, she supposes in strict 
 etiquette you'll take her in to dinner to-night. 
 
 Felix [Aghast]. Take her in to dinner ? 
 
 Ella. Mary wouldn't have raised the question 
 with any one but you; but as you want to be engaged 
 to me, she thinks you might oblige her. 
 
 Felix. But how can I? 
 
 Ella. It's very hard on Mary. She has always 
 been taken in first at every dinner party in Warkin- 
 stall. Now Lady Bodsworth will always go first, so 
 this will be the last time for poor Mary. 
 
 Felix. Is she very keen on it? 
 
 Ella. Well, she says she doesn't mind. But be- 
 tween ourselves she is simply furious at Lady Bods- 
 worth's rudeness to her this afternoon. 
 
 Felix. What on earth am I to do? 
 
 Ella. He isn't actually knighted. It would be 
 strict etiquette, wouldn't it? 
 
 Felix. I don't know the strict etiquette of the 
 thing, but I'm giving this dinner in honor of the 
 knighthood. I've told Bodsworth so. And I've got 
 that bouquet for Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Ella. Can't you explain to the Bodsworths? 
 [14] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Good heavens, no! I should make them 
 enemies for life. No, I must take in the old Bods- 
 worth woman now ! 
 
 Enter Dakin, announcing rather loudly, a little over- 
 doing it. 
 
 Dakin. Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Enter Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth. Exit 
 Dakin. Lady Bodsworth is about forty-five. 
 She is rather stout and made up to look young. Her 
 hair is obtrusively golden, very plentiful, and puffed 
 out. Her complexion is artificial, and her cheeks 
 bloom with a magenta tint. She is handsomely and 
 showily dressed, with a good deal of jewelry. She is 
 patronizing, fussy, self-conscious, self-satisfied, and 
 beaming with amiability. Bodsworth is a stolid, 
 thick-set, rather pompous man about fifty, ivith large, 
 immobile features; thick, coarse black hair turning 
 gray; he is quite destitute of humor. Felix ad- 
 vances very cordially to Lady Bodsworth as Ella 
 shakes hands with Sir Thomas. 
 
 Felix [Shaking hands]. My dear Lady Bods- 
 worth, this is really good of you. 
 
 Lady B. We've been quite overwhelmed with in- 
 fl5l 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 vitations since Sir Thomas received his honor. 
 Everybody seems so pleased that we have been rec- 
 ognized. We are lunching at Petbury Park on 
 Tuesday. 
 
 Felix. I'm in luck. 
 
 Lady B. I really think you are. We had three 
 invitations for dinner to-night. But as we had ac- 
 cepted yours, we thought it wouldn't be honorable 
 to put you off. , 
 
 Felix. Noblesse oblige ! 
 
 Lady B. Quite so. Ah, Ella, my dear! 
 
 [Goes to Ella and kisses her very affection- 
 ately, talks with her.] 
 
 Felix. Sir Thomas, how are you? 
 
 Sir T. [Shaking hands]. Run off my legs. My 
 own business — municipal business — church busi- 
 ness — political business — and now this honor — 
 really if people knew what it entailed they would 
 scarcely envy me the distinction which it has pleased 
 his Majesty to confer upon me. 
 
 Chesher has reentered. 
 
 Felix [Calling off Lady Bodsworth]. Lady 
 Bodsworth, let me present my uncle, Dr. Chesher 
 of Harley Street. 
 
 [16] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Lady B. I'm very pleased to meet you. 
 
 Chesher [Shaking hands]. Delighted! 
 
 Lady B. Sir Thomas has just given a sanatorium 
 to Warkinstall. From first to last it won't cost less 
 than 
 
 Sir T. Shush, my dear. Whether it costs 
 thirty thousand or forty thousand, what does it 
 matter? 
 
 Felix. My uncle is very much interested in hot 
 water treatment [With a little wink and an im- 
 ploring look at Chesher.] 
 
 Sir T. [Interested]. Indeed! I'm sorry to say 
 my present staff are very much prejudiced in favor of 
 their own methods. 
 
 Lady B. Sir Thomas has derived so much benefit 
 himself from hot water that he wishes all the patients 
 to be given a chance. 
 
 Felix [Looking anxiously at Chesher]. My uncle 
 says that in certain diseases hot water — eh. Uncle.'' 
 In certain diseases ? 
 
 Chesher. It was extensively used by Gil Bias of 
 Santillane when he practised in Seville. 
 
 Sir T, How did it answer in his case? 
 
 Chesher. Several of his patients died. But that 
 may have been a natural predisposition, such as a 
 [17] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 doctor often encounters in his patients. And Gil 
 Bias stuck to his treatment. 
 
 Sir T. Quite right. Is he in practice now? 
 
 Chesher. I'm afraid not — but his reputation 
 remains. 
 
 Sir T. Because that's the kind of doctor I want 
 at the head of my sanatorium. 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin [Announcing]. Mr. and Mrs. Tadman. 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Tadman. Exit Dakin. Mrs. 
 Tadman is a pleasant, motherly, middle-class wo- 
 man about sixty. Tadman is about seventy, with 
 straggling white hair and a shiny, rosy complexion 
 — gouty — shaky — tremulous. 
 
 Felix [Shaking hands]. How d'ye do? 
 
 Mrs. T. How d'ye do? 
 
 Felix. So kind of you to come. [To Tadman.] 
 How are you? [Shaking hands.] 
 
 Tadman. First rate — just as good a man as ever 
 I was. 
 
 Felix. Then you'll be able to do justice to a 
 bottle of port. 
 
 Tadman [His eyes brighten, and he briskly rubs his 
 fl8l 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 decayed hands]. I'll try! I'll try! There's only 
 one wine — [with a little anticipatory smack of the lips] 
 — port ! Sir Thomas, I hope you won't change your 
 principles on Tariff Reform. 
 
 Sir T. Change my principles on Tariff Reform? 
 
 Tadman, Now the Liberal Government has hon- 
 ored you. 
 
 Sir T. The Liberal Government makes a very 
 great mistake if it supposes that I am to be bought 
 by a knighthood. 
 
 Tadman [Co7nes closer to him, glances at Ella, who 
 is talking to Mrs. Tadman]. I hear that Whichello 
 is wobbling over the food taxes 
 
 Sir T. Yes, and he's siding with the Radicals 
 against me over the cemetery and the tramways 
 {extension. 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin [Announcing]. Mr. and Mrs. Whichello. 
 
 [Exit Dakin. 
 
 [Mrs. Whichello is a piquant, attractive little 
 lady, rather under thirty. She has the air of 
 one accustomed to he first in her own circle. 
 She is clever enough to get her own way by fi- 
 nesse and persuasion when she cannot command 
 [19] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 itby authority — a very determined little crea- 
 ture. She is charmingly but very quietly 
 dressed in a well-made gown. Her hair is 
 done very plainly and neatly. She ivears 
 one very handsome pearl and diamond neck- 
 lace, and no other jewelry, except a wedding 
 ring. She shows suppressed excitement from 
 the afternoon quarrel with Lady Bodsworth. 
 She is evidently full of mischief, ripe for an 
 explosion, and is preserving her self-control 
 with difficulty. Dick Whichello is a good 
 looking, very ordinary Englishman of the 
 better classses; rather over thirty-five, getting 
 stout and lazy; something of the sporting 
 type; very casual, amiable, and easy going as a 
 rule, but very obstinate and hot-tempered when 
 he is provoked.] 
 
 Felix [Very cordially to Mary]. Delightful of 
 you to spare me an evening. [Shaking hands.] How 
 are you? No need to ask. [Turning to Dick, shak- 
 ing hands.] How are you? 
 
 Dick. Splendid. 
 
 Felix [Introducing]. Dr. Chesher, Mrs. Which- 
 ello. 
 
 [20] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary [Shaking hands with Chesher]. How d'ye 
 do? 
 
 Chesher. Very pleased to meet you. 
 Felix [hitroducing]. Mr. "Whichello — Dr. Che- 
 sher. 
 
 [Dick and Chesher shake hands and talk. 
 Mary nods and smiles to Mrs. Tadman, 
 who returns the nod and smile.] 
 Mary [To Tadman]. How d'ye do.? [Shaking 
 hands.] 
 
 Tadman. Growing younger every day. 
 Mary [Bowing to Sir Thomas]. Sir Thomas, I 
 have congratulated you on your honor, haven't I? 
 
 Sir T. [Very stiffly]. Thank you, you have con- 
 gratulated me three times during the past week. 
 
 Mary. Have I? [Very sweetly.] Oh, I reaUy 
 must give myself the pleasure of congratulating you 
 once more. May I? 
 
 Sir T. [Shows resentment]. If you wish, but — 
 
 really I 
 
 [Tiirns to Lady Bodsworth, who stands look- 
 ing at Mary, maliciously triumphant. There 
 is an awkward pause as the two women look 
 at each other. Mary hows very distantly to 
 Lady Bodsworth. Lady Bodsworth 
 [21] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 barely inclines her head. Felix watches ap- 
 prehensively and tries to smooth the unpleas- 
 antness.] 
 
 Felix [To Lady Bodsworth]. Mrs. Whichello, 
 like all of us, feels she cannot sufficiently express her 
 congratulations to her old friends, eh, Mrs. Which- 
 ello? 
 
 Mary. Yes, that's it. 
 
 Felix [To Mary]. And I'm sure Lady Bods- 
 worth is equally pleased to receive your congratula- 
 tions. 
 
 Lady B. Oh, I've no wish to be unfriendly. I'm 
 quite ready to forget our little tiff this afternoon if 
 she is. 
 
 Mary. Oh, quite. 
 
 LadyB. [Patronizingly]. You and Mr. Whichello 
 must come and lunch with us some day. 
 
 Mary. We shall feel honored. Shan't we, Dick? 
 
 Dick. Yes, delighted! 
 
 Lady B. Shall we say Tuesday? No, I forgot. 
 On Tuesday Sir Thomas and I are lunching at Pet- 
 bury Park. The Countess saw me yesterday in the 
 High Street. She stopped her motor instantly, and 
 gave me the most pressing invitation. 
 
 Maby. The dear Countess! 
 [22] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Lady B. She was so hearty in her congratulations. 
 She said, " Come on Tuesday. Petbury and I shall 
 be quite alone, and we shall have you all to our- 
 selves." 
 
 Mary. How delightful for you! And for them' 
 
 Lady B. So it can't be Tuesday. Shall we say 
 Wednesday? 
 
 Mary. May I look at my book when I get 
 home? 
 
 Lady B. Certainly. Name your own day, and 
 remember that for the future I shan't bear any ill- 
 feeling; and I hope you won't. 
 
 Mary.- Ill-feeling! My dear Lady Bodsworth, 
 I'm only too thankful for your sake that this dread- 
 ful scandal at the sanatorium wasn't made public 
 before the New Year's honors were announced. 
 
 Sir T. Why? What difference would it have 
 made? 
 
 Mary. Well, with such disgraceful behavior 
 going on in your beautiful new building before the 
 walls were scarcely dry, it would have made it very 
 difficult for the Government to reward you for your 
 noble gift to the town. 
 
 Sir T. [Very stiffly]. I don't see that. We needn't 
 discuss the matter. 
 
 [23] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. No, no. Better keep it quiet. I hope 
 there's nothing more to come out 
 
 Sir T. We have made a thorough inquiry, and 
 the affair is terminated. 
 
 Mary. I'm so glad you've managed to hush it up. 
 [To Lady Bodsworth.] What have you done with 
 the nurse? 
 
 Sir T. [Very stiffly]. We have expelled her. 
 
 Mary. Quite right. Quite right. I hope you 
 made her feel that her shocking conduct has shed 
 quite a blight over the general rejoicing. 
 
 SirT. Not at all! Not at all! 
 
 Mary. It has shed a blight on my rejoic- 
 ing. I can never go by your beautiful sanatorium 
 now without dreading that the nurses and doctors 
 are 
 
 Sir T. [Interrupting]. We need not pursue the 
 subject. 
 
 Mary. No, no. The less said the better. But I 
 always distrusted her yellow hair. I've invariably 
 noticed that when a woman has that peculiar shade 
 of hair, and especially when she dresses it in that 
 ridiculous towzly fashion [She sees the expres- 
 sion on Sir Thomas's face and she makes a feigned 
 gesture of intense vexation.] Oh, what have I said.?^ 
 [24] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 What have I said? My dear Lady Bodsworth! 
 
 How could I be so thoughtless! How could I ? 
 
 [Making little helpless appealing gestures of 
 apology to Lady Bodsworth and to all the 
 company.] 
 
 Lady B. [Much offended]. I hope you don't com- 
 pare me with a person of that class 
 
 Mary. No ! No ! A thousand apologies ! Now, 
 do say you forgive me ! 
 
 Lady B. [Curtly]. Oh, certainly, 
 
 Mahy. Thank you. I can't tell you how much I 
 admire your hair, no matter how it's done. By and 
 by I shall ask you to tell me how you get that effect. 
 Now you will tell me, won't you? 
 
 Lady B. [Curtly]. Oh, it's quite simple. 
 
 Mary. Ah, it may be easy for you 
 
 Felix \Who has been very anxiously watching, in- 
 terposes]. You mustn't discuss these delicate little 
 feminine secrets before us men. Mrs. Whichello, 
 you're passionately fond of flowers — what do you 
 think of these for early January? [Draws Mary off 
 to the bouquet.] 
 
 Mary [Goes into raptures] . Roses and carnations ! 
 [Takes up the bouquet, smells it, admires it.] Aren't 
 they exquisite? [To Ella, who has joined them.] 
 [25 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Ella. Perfectly lovely! J 
 
 Mary [Putting down the flowers]. Did you give ^ 
 my message to Mr. Galpin? 
 Ella. Yes. [Looking at Felix.] 
 
 [They draw together and are seen to be talking 
 eagerly. Mary is excited, and is urging her 
 point of etiquette. Felix is deprecatory, 
 apologetic, explanatory, and persuasive. 
 Lady Bodsworth is talking to Mrs. Tad- 
 man, with angry glances at Mary. Mrs. 
 Tadman is trying to soothe her. Sir 
 Thomas, Tadman, Chesher, and Dick 
 are grouped together.] 
 Dick. You must join our golf club, Sir Thomas. 
 SirT. [Shakes his head]. Too busy — and now 
 I've been recognized — it's a great burden — no 
 time for golf. 
 
 Dick. He must make time, mustn't he, Doc- 
 tor.? 
 
 Chesher. As a serious career golf is an excellent 
 substitute for politics. 
 
 Dick. By Jove, yes. [To Sir Thomas.] I shall 
 put you up. We must have you. The fact is our 
 present course is rotten. We want you to let us have 
 that corner slope below the sanatorium. 
 [26] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 [Chesher joins Lady Bodsworth and Mrs, 
 Tadman.] 
 
 Sir T. I am about to enclose that slope in the 
 sanatorium grounds for the benefit of my patients. 
 
 Dick. Oh, they can stroll about it. We really 
 must have that slope. 
 
 Sir T. It's quite impossible. I'm a little sur- 
 prised at your asking, after opposing me on the Town 
 Council with regard to the tramways and the ceme- 
 tery. 
 
 Dick. Oh, we must give the new town a decent 
 cemetery. 
 
 Sir T. ■ There is plenty of room in our venerable 
 old churchyard. And I hope, when it pleases heaven 
 to call me to itself, that what is mortal of me will re- 
 pose in the shadow of our ancient parish church. . 
 
 Dick. You don't want what is mortal of you to 
 drain down into my factory, do you? 
 
 Sir T. [Offended]. I consider that remark as 
 quite uncalled for — indeed, profane. I intend to 
 oppose the cemetery and the tramway extension. 
 Especially as both proposals emanate from the 
 Radicals. 
 
 Dick. What does it matter where they emanate 
 from, if they're for the good of the town? 
 [27] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Sir T. We must keep the control and administra- 
 tion of all these matters in our own hands. And I 
 trust that as Chairman of the Conservative Party I 
 may rely on your support. 
 
 [Dick utters a little discontented grumble.] 
 Tadman. There's another thing, Whichello. We 
 must have a thorough, complete, well-considered 
 measure of Tariff Reform. 
 
 Dick. Oh, I'm a convinced Tariff Reformer, pro- 
 viding the leather trade is considered. But I'm 
 hanged if I see how we're going to carry the food 
 taxes. 
 
 Tadman. It's absolutely necessary. It all hangs jj 
 together. I've worked out a complete scheme. I 
 can show you the figures. 
 
 Sir T. I hope, Whichello, you will reconsider 
 your entire attitude. You are going the right way 
 to split up the Conservative Party in Warkinstall. 
 
 [Dick utters another discontented little growl. , 
 They go on discussing the matter. Chesher | 
 has joined Lady Bodsworth and Mrs. 
 Tadman. Felix, Mary, and Ella have 
 been talking among themselves.] 
 Mary. I merely raised it as a point of strict 
 etiquette. 
 
 [28] i 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. I wish I could — but [Looks help- 
 lessly at Ella.] 
 
 Ella. I think you might have obliged Mary. 
 
 Mary [Turning to the bouquet]. It really doesn't 
 matter. Aren't these flowers perfectly exquisite? 
 
 Felix. I'm glad you like them. 
 
 Mary. I dote on roses and carnations. Now I'm 
 sure you must have got them especially to please me, 
 didn't you? 
 
 Felix. Yes, I did. [Glances at Lady Bods- 
 worth;, whose back is turned to them.] 
 
 Mary [To Ella]. Wasn't it kind of him? He 
 knew how fond I was of roses and carnations. 
 [Smelling them.] 
 
 Felix [Glances again at Lady Bodsworth's back 
 — hesitates — makes up his mind]. Will you accept 
 them? I sent up to Covent Garden especially to get 
 them for you. [Hands them to her.] 
 
 Mary. How good of you ! Dick ! Look at these 
 flowers ! Mr. Galpin sent up to Covent Garden to 
 get them especially for me. 
 
 [Goes to Mrs. Tadman and displays them in 
 front of Lady Bodsworth, who holds her- 
 self enviously aloof.] 
 
 Tadman [Who has been arguing with Dick]. No! 
 [29] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 No ! My scheme is elastic. It tightens over bacon , 
 in one place, and relaxes in another. The same with < 
 cheese! That's the beauty of it! It gives and 
 takes. 
 
 [Felix has been talking to Ella, looTcing at 
 his watch, and glancing anxiously at the 
 door.] 
 
 t'ELix. Sir Thomas, will you take in Mrs. 
 Whichello? Whichello — Mrs. Tadman. [ To Tad- 
 man.] You'll look after Miss Southwood, won't 
 you? Uncle, you'll have to bring up the rear. 
 [Joining Lady Bodsworth.] Lady Bodsworth, I 
 am to have the privilege. 
 
 [The couples sort themselves and talk apart.] 
 
 Lady B. [Envioushj]. What a lovely bouquet you 
 presented to Mrs. Whichello. 
 
 Felix. Um ! Not bad. [Dropping his voice and 
 looking cautiously round to see that they are not over- 
 heard.] I don't care much for roses and carnations. 
 
 Lady B. They are rather vulgar. 
 
 Felix. One orchid is worth a ton of them. I 
 
 wonder if you'd do me the honor to wear this 
 
 [Taking the orchid from his buttonhole.] 
 
 Lady B. I shall be pleased. \ Looking enviously at 
 Mary's bouquet.] 
 
 [30] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Can you fasten it? 
 Lady B. Yes, I think. 
 
 Felix. An orchid is the aristocrat of flowers. 
 [She places it in the neck of her dress, which 
 is rather dScollete.] 
 Felix. That's a very rare variety. [With a little 
 half-wink at Ella, who is watching.] It's the first 
 specimen to come to Warkinstall. [Admiring it.] 
 Ah, now it shows to advantage! 
 
 I . Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin. Dinner is served, sir. [Exit. 
 
 Mary [Replacing her bouquet in the vase]. I'll put 
 them there till I go home. 
 
 Lady B. [Going off arm-in-arm with Felix — speak- 
 ing loudly so that Mary can hear]. Yes, an orchid is 
 such an aristocratic flower — so very aristocratic. 
 [Exeunt Felix and Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Sir T. [Going off with Mary]. And he is also op- 
 posing me on the cemetery and the tramways. 
 
 Mary. Is he? [Turning to Dick, who is just be- 
 hind her.] Dick, I'm surprised at you opposing Sir 
 Thomas. [To Sir Thomas.] I must talk to him 
 very seriously. 
 
 [Exeunt Sir Thomas and Mary. 
 [31] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mrs. T. [On Dick's arm]. I don't quite under- 
 stand Tariff Reform, but Mr. Tadman has worked it 
 all out most carefully. 
 Dick. So have I, and I'm convinced that if we 
 
 put on food taxes 
 
 [Exit with Mrs. Tadman on his arm. 
 Ella [On Tadman's arm, turns round to Chesher]. 
 I wish there was another of me to come in with you, 
 Dr. Chesher. [Going off. 
 
 Chesher. Ah ! You'd be much safer with medi- 
 cine than you are with the law. 
 
 [He follows them off. The curtain falls for a 
 few seconds to signify the passing of the 
 dinner-time.] 
 
 Scene II. The same, after dinner. The curtains be- 
 tween the rooms have been drawn closely together. 
 Lady Bodsworth and Mrs. Tadman are seated. 
 near to each other, and apart from Mary and Ella. 
 Mary has her bouquet in her hand and is admiring 
 it. Ella is turning over a book of views. 
 
 LadyB. [Expansively]. We don't take it so much 
 as an honor to ourselves as to the town. 
 
 Mrs. T. [Toadijing]. That's what Mr. Tadman 
 and I feel. 
 
 [32] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary [Solemnly]. That's what we all feel. Don't 
 we, EUa? 
 
 Ella. Oh, yes. Couldn't we have some fire- 
 works over it? 
 
 Mary. Ella, please put away that book, and 
 listen to Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 j [Ella does so, and assumes an air of great in- 
 j terest in Lady Bodsworth.] 
 i Mary. You were saying, dear Lady Bods- 
 worth 
 
 Lady B. [Ignoring Mary, speaks to Mrs. Tad- 
 man]. That is how Sir Thomas and I wish it to be 
 regarded ^- as an honor to everybody in Warkin- 
 stall. 
 
 Mary. Will it go round.'* 
 
 La.dy B. Go round? 
 
 Mary. There are forty thousand people in Wark- 
 install. It's very unselfish of you, dear Lady Bods- 
 worth, to share your honor amongst us, but — well, 
 there won't be much for each of us, will there? 
 
 Lady B. [Getting angry]. Of course if you're an- 
 noyed 
 
 Mary. Annoyed? My dear Lady Bodsworth! 
 My very dear Lady Bodsworth! 
 
 Lady B. [To Mrs. Tadman]. As it appears to 
 [33] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 upset Mrs. Whichello, perhaps we'd better change 
 the subject. 
 
 Mary. Oh, I love it! I could keep on all the 
 evening. 
 
 Lady B. [To Mrs. Tadman]. We shall have a 
 house in town for the season. Of course we shall 
 
 have to go up when Sir Thomas receives 
 
 [Mary touches Ella's arm with a solemn look 
 of reproof, as if calling her to pay reverential 
 attention to Lady Bodsworth. Lady Bods- 
 worth stops, upset.] 
 
 Mary [After a pause of mock expectancy]. When 
 does Sir Thomas expect to be commanded ? 
 
 Lady B. I should really be obliged if you would 
 choose some other topic of conversation. 
 
 Mary. Certainly, dear Lady Bodsworth. [Very 
 sweetly.] And what shall we talk about now.f^ Oh, 
 yes! So you are lunching at Petbury Park? 
 
 Lady B. We are lunching at Petbury Park. 
 
 Mary. On Tuesday, isn't it? 
 
 Lady B. I believe I have already mentioned that 
 fact. 
 
 Mary, Yes, but why not mention it again, dear 
 Lady Bodsworth? 
 
 Lady B. Because it might cause you pain. 
 [34] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Pain? My dear Lady Bodsworth ! Why 
 should it cause me pain? 
 
 Lady B. You're not invited, I beheve? 
 
 Mary. We couldn't expect it, as we dined there 
 on Saturday. 
 
 Lady B. [Upset]. Dined! Oh! [Nonplussed.] 
 Indeed ! 
 
 Mary [More sweetly than ever]. And what shall 
 we talk about now? 
 
 Ella. I do think somebody ought to organize 
 some fireworks 
 
 Mary [Reprovingly]. My dear Ella, it is not for 
 you to choose a topic of conversation. We are wait- 
 ing for Lady Bodsworth [Looking at Lady 
 
 Bodsworth with an air of reverent expectancy.] 
 
 Lady B. [Looks at Mary with withering scorn, then 
 magnificently ignores her, and speaks to Mrs. Tad- 
 man]. Of course it's only natural that small minds 
 should feel jealous when they see others selected for 
 honor, when they themselves are left out in the cold. 
 [Just deigning to glance at Mary.] 
 
 Mary. My dear Lady Bodsworth! My very 
 dear Lady Bodsworth! 
 
 Lady B. There's no need to "Lady Bodsworth" 
 me quite so often. 
 
 [35] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. No? 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth rises, draws herself up, and 
 again looks at Mary with withering scorn.] 
 
 Lady B. [To Mrs. Tadman]. I feel, dear, that 
 you would be more comfortable in the next room. 
 
 [Going toward curtains. 
 
 Mrs, T. [Detaining her]. Oh, I shouldn't take 
 any notice. I'm sure Mary wishes to remain friends, 
 don't you, Mary? 
 
 Mary, Oh, certainly. But if Lady Bodsworth 
 doesn't wish me to call her Lady Bodsworth, what 
 am I to call her? 
 
 Mrs. T, You used always to call each other 
 "Fanny" and "Mary," 
 
 Lady B, It was quite at her own wish that I 
 called her "Mary," 
 
 Mary, If I remember rightly, dear Lady Bods- 
 worth, you asked me to call you "Fanny"; and said 
 might you call me "Mary." And I replied, "Oh, 
 certainly!" Everybody in Warkinstall calls me 
 "Mary," 
 
 Mrs, T. I don't suppose she'd mind if you called 
 her "Fanny." 
 
 Mary [Looking mischievously at Lady Bods- 
 worth]. I don't think I could calj her "Fanny" — 
 [36] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 now! Dear Lady Bodsworth, would you think it 
 disrespectful if I called you "Fanny"? 
 
 Lady B. It's quite immaterial to me what you 
 call me. Please yourself. 
 
 Mary [Very sweetly]. Thank you so much. [A little 
 pause.] And what shall we talk about now — Fanny? 
 
 Lady B. [Eriraged, is about to explode; controls her- 
 self; tries to think of something very satirical, fails]. 
 I should much prefer that you didn't address any 
 further remarks to me. 
 
 Mary. Very well, Fanny — [checks herself] — 
 Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Lady B. [Seats herself with dignity and turns to 
 Mrs. Tadman with the greatest amiability, speaks at 
 Mary]. How very nicely the meeting for the Girls' 
 Protection Society passed off this afternoon! 
 
 Mrs. T. Yes — very. 
 
 [Mary admonishes Ella by a look to pay rever- 
 ential attention to Lady Bodsworth.] 
 
 Lady B. I was so glad that they elected me as 
 president; because I do feel that in my new position 
 I shall be able to do so much to keep the poor girls 
 
 out of temptation 
 
 [Mary utters a little gaspy shriek, pulls herself 
 up, and looks demurely in front of her.] 
 [37] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Lady B. Are you unwell, Mrs. Whichello? 
 
 Mary. Very nearly. Dear Lady Bodsworth, 
 would you permit me to address one single remark to 
 you? 
 
 Lady B. [Suspiciously]. Oh, certainly. 
 
 Mary [Very respectful]. Don't you think, dear 
 Lady Bodsworth, that these poor factory girls, with 
 their love of finery, and making the most of them- 
 selves — don't you think, if they are allowed to see 
 very much of you, they may be tempted to imi- 
 tate 
 
 Lady B. Imitate what? 
 
 Mary [Glancing at Lady Bodsworth's coiffure]. 
 Those tresses 
 
 Lady B. [Gathers herself up for a great hurst of in- 
 dignation]. I have never been so insulted — I will 
 not endure these insinuations! [Splutters like a 
 damp firework.] Really I — just when everybody is 
 so pleased that we've been honored— really I — [cry- 
 ing a little] — I will not [recovers herself]. But I 
 
 can quite understand your feeling so spiteful at not 
 being elected president 
 
 Mary. Spiteful, dear Lady Bodsworth? 
 
 Lady B. But I wouldn't show it. It's so small, 
 so very small ! I wouldn't be small if I were you ! 
 [38] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Oh, if it comes to our figures — [glancing 
 at her own and Lady Bodsworth's] — I'm very well 
 satisfied. 
 
 Lady B. [Magnificently indignant]. I will thank 
 you not to make any further remarks to me or about 
 me! 
 
 Mary. Very well, dear Lady Bodsworth ! 
 
 Lady B. [To Mrs. Tadman]. I'm sorry you 
 should be exposed to all this annoyance. But we 
 needn't put up with it any longer. [Beckons to Mrs. 
 Tadman to follow her off at curtains; then turns to 
 Mary very spitefully.] But you weren't elected 
 president, were you? 
 
 [Exit through curtains. Mrs. Tadman has 
 risen, a little embarrassed.] 
 
 Mrs. T. [In a low to7ie io ^L\b.y]. We all thought 
 as Sir Thomas had just been knighted, it would be 
 a pretty compliment to elect her as president. I 
 hope you don't mind — — 
 
 Mary. Mind? My dear Mrs. Tadman! But 
 those poor factory girls ! Keep them out of tempta- 
 tion? Why, with her powdered cheeks arid her yel- 
 low hair, she looks like an impropriety herself ! 
 
 Lady B. [Comes through the curtains, overwhelmed]. 
 Oh! oh! oh! 
 
 [39] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Sir Thomas enters, followed at short intervals by 
 Chesher, Dick, Tadman and Felix. 
 
 Sir T. What's the matter? 
 
 Lady B. I have never been so insulted 
 
 Sir T. Insulted? 
 
 Lady B. Mrs. Whichello called me 
 
 SirT. What? 
 
 Lady B. [Crying a little]. She said I was — Mrs. 
 Tadman, you heard 
 
 Sir T. What did she call you? 
 
 Lady B. I couldn't repeat the word. We had 
 better go home at once. [Going toward door. 
 
 Felix [Stopping her]. No, Lady Bodsworth 
 
 [Tries to soothe her.] 
 
 Dick. Mary, what's this? 
 
 Mary. Nothing. I made a remark to Mrs. 
 Tadman. Lady Bodsworth was in the next room. 
 I didn't know she was listening. I'm sorry. 
 
 Sir T. Sorry? I wish to know what term you 
 have applied to Lady Bodsworth. [There is a pause.] 
 
 Felix. Sir Thomas, Mrs. Whichello has said she 
 was sorry — I trust 
 
 Sir T. I insist on knowing the exact term which 
 has been applied to Lady Bodsworth. Fanny ! 
 [40 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 [Calls Lady Bodsworth aside, questions her, 
 and is seen to be shocked, and indignant. 
 Dick questions Mary, and is seen to shoiv 
 annoyance. Tadman questions Mrs. Tad- 
 man. Felix waits to question Tadman; 
 when Tadman has received the information, 
 Felix calls him aside, and questions him. 
 Chesher joins them. Ella slips quietly 
 between the curtains into the next room.] 
 Dick [Having questioned Mary, in a tone of an- 
 noy ante]. You oughtn't to have said it. 
 Mary. It sUpped out. 
 Dick. ' Oh! 
 
 Mary. I tell you it slipped out. 
 Dick. Bodsworth, as an old friend I'm sure you 
 
 won't take any notice of this 
 
 Sir T. Not take any notice? Do I understand, 
 Whichello, that you approve of your wife calling 
 Lady Bodsworth an impropriety? 
 
 Dick. Certainly not, but 
 
 Sir T. Then perhaps you will ask her to make 
 a full and ample apology. [Looks threateningly at 
 Mary.] 
 
 Dick. [Prompting]. Mary! 
 
 Mary. I'm extremely sorry 
 
 [411 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Sir T. Sorry? My wife an impropriety! The 
 thing's monstrous! 
 
 Felix, I'm sure Mrs. Whichello didn't use the 
 word in any objectionable sense. It is a term that 
 is often used in playful badinage — which I'm quite 
 sure is all Mrs. Whichello intended. 
 
 Sir T. I don't care what Mrs. Whichello in- 
 tended. I am waiting for her to apologize. [Looks 
 threateningly at Mary. A longish pause.] 
 
 Mary [Very simply and sincerely]. I am ex- 
 tremely sorry, Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Lady B. "Sorry" isn't an apology, is it? 
 
 Felix. Oh, yes, it's quite equivalent, especially as 
 Mrs. Whichello said it — with such genuine regret. 
 Now that's passed over. Can we get up a rubber at 
 bridge? [Moving toward the card-table.] 
 
 Sir T. I do not play bridge, and I do not consider 
 that it has passed over. [Looking at Lady Bods- 
 worth.] 
 
 Lady B. It's such a flagrant offence. I couldn't 
 pass it over without an apology. 
 
 Felix. Mrs. Whichello, may I offer your sincere 
 regrets, shall we say apologies, to Lady Bodsworth? 
 [Lady Bodsworth looks very triumphantly 
 at Mary — there is again a long pause.] 
 [42] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Certainly. 
 
 Felix. There, Lady Bodsworth! That is very 
 satisfactory, and we can all be friends again. Tad- 
 man, I know you're longing for a rubber 
 
 [Again moving toward card-table.] 
 
 Lady B. [Keeping her position, looking mali- 
 ciously triumphant at Mary]. It's so very flagrant. 
 I should prefer an apology in writing — in case it 
 might happen again. [Looking at Sir Thomas.] 
 
 Sir T. Certainly — you're quite right. An apol- 
 ogy in writing. [Looking at Mary.] Will that be 
 forthcoming.'^ 
 
 Mary [Very decisively]. No! 
 
 Sir T. Oh ! Then do I understand that you call 
 Lady Bodsworth an impropriety, and refuse to 
 apologize? 
 
 Mary. I did not call Lady Bodsworth an impro- 
 priety. I said she looked like an impropriety. [Look- 
 ing intently at Lady Bodsworth, speaking very 
 deliberately, slowly driving each word home.] She does 
 not look like an impropriety — [looking Lady Bods- 
 worth up and down] — not the least like an im- 
 propriety. 
 
 Lady B. Oh — oh — Sir Thomas, will you please 
 have our motor called.'* 
 
 [43 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Sir T. One moment, Fanny. Tadman, I shall 
 place this matter in your hands. You will please 
 draw up a form of apology; make it very stringent, 
 and submit it to me. 
 
 Tadman. Yes — yes, Sir Thomas — but as I am 
 also Whichello's legal adviser, I can act for both of 
 you. 
 
 Sir T. You can act for me or for Mr. Whichello; 
 but in this instance I prefer to have my own lawyer. 
 
 Tadman. You'd better let me arrange. I should 
 advise Mrs. Whichello to retract 
 
 Mary. Thank you, Mr. Tadman, we prefer to 
 have our own lawyer. 
 
 Dick. No, no, Mary. [Is seen to he arguing with 
 her.] 
 
 Sir T. You will oblige me, Tadman, by saying 
 whether you intend to act for Mr. Whichello or 
 for me. 
 
 Tadman. Oh, for you. Sir Thomas, of course — 
 but 
 
 Sir T. Very well. If Galpin will kindly excuse 
 you, we will take our measures at once. Mrs. Tad- 
 man had better come with us while the exact words 
 that Mrs. Whichello used are fresh in her mind. 
 
 I'm sorry to break up your party, Galpin 
 
 [44] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. I'm sorry for the reason, Sir Thomas. 
 [To Lady Bodsworth.] But can't I persuade 
 you 
 
 Lady B, I couldn't think of remaining in the 
 
 company of [Looking indignantly at Mary.] 
 
 I'll wait downstairs, please, till our motor is ready. 
 
 Felix [Offers his arm]. Allow me. I'm sure 
 Mrs. Whichello didn't intend [Going off. 
 
 Lady B. Oh, please don't mention her name. 
 [Felix takes off Lady Bodsworth. The 
 Tadmans are saying good-night and shaking 
 hands with Dick and Mary.] 
 
 Sir T. [To Chesher]. Good-night, Doctor. 
 [Shaking hands.] My wife an impropriety! What 
 is your opinion of that? , 
 
 Chesher. A very obvious error in classifica- 
 tion. 
 
 Sir T. My wife an impropriety! [Getting more 
 angry. The more I think of it, the more monstrous 
 it seems! [Impatiently.] Now, Tadman. if you're 
 ready [Exit. 
 
 Mrs. T. [To Chesher]. Good-night 
 
 Chesher. Let me see you to the motor. [Takes 
 off Mrs. Tadman.] 
 
 Tadman [Shaking hands with Dick]. Very sorry 
 [45] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 — but as Sir Thomas is my oldest client — I'm sure 
 you'll understand 
 
 Mary. Oh, we quite understand. [Exit Tadman. 
 
 Dick. You've let me in for a pretty thing 
 
 now 
 
 Mary. You surely don't want me to apolo- 
 gize 
 
 Dick. You'll have to one way or the other. 
 
 Mary. Indeed I shall not ! Sign an apology for 
 that woman to take about Warkinstall and show all 
 my friends! 
 
 Dick. I'm not going to have a lawsuit. I shall 
 go round to Tadman in the morning and get him to 
 settle it. 
 
 Mary. Tadman? He's on their side. You can 
 see that. I shall consult Mr. Galpin 
 
 Felix reenters. 
 
 Oh, Mr. Galpin, I'm so sorry this has hap- 
 pened, but you'll be able to get us out of it, won't 
 you? 
 
 Reenter Chesher. 
 
 Felix. I'll do my best, as a friend 
 
 Mary. No, we want you to act for us 
 [46] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Mr, Tadman is Mr. Whichello's law- 
 
 yer 
 
 Mary. Then you'll have to be mine. 
 i Felix. If Mr. Whichello wishes, but 
 
 Dick. I'm not going to have a lawsuit. 
 
 Felix. I'll take very good care you don't, if I 
 handle the case. 
 
 Mary. There, Dick! And I'm not going to 
 apologize. 
 
 Felix. There'll be no necessity, if I handle the case. 
 
 Mary. There, Dick! [Dick utters a low, discon- 
 tented growl. Mary goes to him.] Now, Dick, don't 
 be unreasonable. Mr. Galpin will arrange it so that 
 I don't apologize, and that you don't have a law- 
 suit! [Is seen to he arguing with him.] 
 
 Chesher [In a low voice to Felix]. How are you 
 going to manage it? 
 
 Felix. I'm hanged if I know. [To Mary.] It 
 isn't very late. Shall we have just one rubber.? 
 
 Mary. Oh, do! 
 
 [Felex wheels the card-table into the centre of 
 the room.] 
 
 Felix. Uncle, you'll take a hand. I'm very 
 sorry, Mrs. Whichello, that you and Whichello have 
 had such an uncomfortable evening. 
 [47] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Oh, I've enjoyed it thoroughly. Haven't 
 you, Dick.'' [Dick growls very discontentedly in his 
 armchair.] Dick, come up to the table and behave 
 yourself. If you don't, I shall have to go and stay 
 with Aunt Henrietta again. You won't like that. She 
 won't have you near the place. [Dick growls again.] 
 
 Felix [Spreading out a pack]. Shall we cut? 
 
 Mary [Cuts]. Now, Dick, come and cut, and 
 think of something that will make you look happy! 
 
 Dick [Rises, growls, comes to the table]. What? 
 
 Mary. Think you've got to take me home in your 
 motor car, while poor Sir Thomas has got to take 
 Lady Bodsworth ! [Ciiesher has cut. Dick has cut.] 
 
 Mary [Cuts]. Two. 
 
 Felix [Cuts]. Four. You and I, Mrs. Whichello. 
 Where will you sit? [Shuffling the cards vigorously.] 
 
 Mary. Here. 
 
 [Felix puts the cards he is shuffling before 
 Dick, who cuts to Mary. Mary deals.] 
 
 Dick. You're sure you can keep me out of a law- 
 suit, Galpin? 
 
 Felix [Vigorously shuffling the other cards]. If I 
 handle the case. "Never go to law" is the advice 
 I always give my clients. And up to the present I've 
 kept them out of it. 
 
 [48 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. And I shan't have to apologize? 
 
 Felix. Never! 
 I Chesher. How much are we playing for? 
 
 Dick. Five shillings a hundred? 
 
 Mary, Oh, say ten. I'm thirsting for some- 
 )ody's blood! 
 
 Dick [Groans]. You're going to draw mine if you 
 lon't take care! 
 
 Mary. Hold your tongue, Dick. 
 
 Ella enters from curtains and comes up to table. 
 
 Dick. You'd better come round and see me in the 
 norning. ' 
 i Felix. Right. What time? 
 
 Dick. Ten. No, I've got to play golf. I'm full 
 ip all day. [To Mary.] Why couldn't you keep 
 '^our mouth shut? 
 
 Mary. Keep your cards up. 
 I Ella. What's the matter? 
 
 Dick. Mary is going to let me in for a lawsuit 
 vith the Bodsworths. 
 
 Ella. What fun! 
 
 Mary. No trumps ! 
 
 Quick curtain. 
 [49] 
 
ACT II 
 
 Six weeks pass between Acts I and II. 
 
ACT II 
 
 Scene : The same. About four o'clock on an afternoon 
 in late February. The curtains are closely drawn, 
 shutting out the further room. A bright fire is burn- 
 ing. 
 
 Discover: Felix with four or five dictionaries on table 
 in front of him; one is open, and he is bending over 
 it. 
 
 Enter D akin, s/iowmgr in Ella in pretty winter outdoor 
 dress. Exit Dakin. Felix rises, takes Ella's 
 hand, kisses her in silence. 
 
 Felix. You're a little late. I hope Mrs. Which- 
 ello won't be long. I've had to leave the oflSce 
 and there's only the boy. 
 
 Ella. Mary's coming on. Dick and she are 
 having another row. 
 
 Felix. Over the Bodsworth business? 
 
 Ella. Naturally. There has been no other 
 [53] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 business in our house since the night of your dinner. 
 Dick and Mary argue and argue and argue. FeHx, 
 when we're married, we shan't be always arguing 
 like that, shall we? 
 
 Felix. Certainly not. I'll do all my arguing in 
 Court. 
 
 EiiLA. It would be so dreadful, if we got quar- 
 relling, just like ordinary married people. 
 
 Felix. How can they do it? How can they do 
 it? 
 
 Ella. And Mary is so perfectly right, isn't she? 
 
 Felix. Perfectly right. 
 
 Ella. She can't give a written apology? 
 
 Felix. Out of the question. 
 
 Ella. If the Bodsworths take it into Court, we 
 shall win, shan't we? 
 
 Felix. We've got to — somehow. This is my 
 first important case, and I can't afford to lose it. 
 Especially as I've just got the chance of another. 
 
 Ella. Have you? 
 
 Felix. Borrodaile was in my office this morning. 
 He's inclined to fight the Church people over the 
 new cemetery and crematorium. 
 
 Ella. I hope he will. Did you encourage 
 him? 
 
 [54] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. I said, "Never go to law. But," I said, 
 "in this instance, I don't see how you can possibly 
 lose." 
 
 Ella. Yes, that's the way to put it. 
 
 Felix. Oh, by the way — [drawing a letter from 
 his pocket and giving it to Ella] — my uncle has 
 promised to tide me over another year, 
 
 Ella. Isn't he a brick ! [Reading.] "I am per- 
 suaded that a young man with your flexible con- 
 victions is bound to succeed." 
 
 Felix. He's a good judge of character. Read 
 on. He's called to a consultation at Barsfield, so 
 he's dropping in on his way back to town. 
 
 Ella. Oh, yes. [Reading.] "So I shall be with 
 you a little after three." 
 
 Felix. Things are looking up at last 
 
 Ella, Yes, if you get the cemetery case — do 
 you think you will"? 
 
 Felix, Well, Borrodaile is a stiff-necked old Rad- 
 ical, He hinted pretty strongly that he couldn't 
 employ a Tory lawyer. 
 
 Ella. Couldn't you — manage to drop being a 
 Tory — just for the time? 
 
 Felix. I've a jolly good mind to drop being a 
 Tory altogether. Oh ! I ought to have gone in for 
 [55 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 politics at the start ! Look at my old chum, Harvey 
 
 Betts 
 
 Ella. Yes. Mary wants to talk to you about 
 him 
 
 Enter Dakin, showing in Mary. 
 
 Dakin [Announces]. Mrs. Whichello. 
 
 [Exit Dakin. Mary is smartly dressed in 
 winter clothes.] 
 
 Felix. How d'ye do? 
 
 Mary [Curtly]. How d'ye do? [Barely shakes 
 hands, and drops into a chair.] I do think my hus- 
 band is the most stupid, obstinate man on earth ! 
 
 Felix. Oh, not quite so bad as that, is he? 
 
 Mary [Decisively]. Now, Mr. Galpin, this affair 
 of the Bodsworths must be brought to a head. 
 
 Felix. Well, it seems to be shaping that way. 
 
 Mary. The question is whether you are on Dick's 
 side or mine? 
 
 Felix. On yours — certainly on yours. 
 
 Mary. Because Dick says you entirely agree 
 with him that a lawsuit must be avoided. 
 
 Felix. Oh, no, oh, no My advice is, "Never 
 go to law if you can possibly avoid it." But there 
 are times when you can't possibly avoid it. 
 [56] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Well, Dick's coming on here directly 
 Felix. I must talk to him. 
 
 Mary. I hope you will. Because I may tell you 
 plainly that if you wish to be engaged to Ella, you 
 will insist to my husband that it would be a fatal 
 step for me to apologize. 
 
 Felix. I'll put that strongly to him. 
 
 Mary. You'd better, if you wish to marry Ella. 
 
 Ella. Oh, I couldn't think of giving him up! 
 Could I, Felix? 
 
 MiCRY. My dear Ella, you couldn't possibly 
 marry Mr. Galpin if he gets your sister into a hor- 
 rible mess, and makes her cave in to that dreadful 
 old impropriety. 
 
 Ella. But Felix won't, will you? 
 
 Felix. You may rely I shall do everything in my 
 power to convince Mr. Whichello. 
 
 Mary. Very well. If you bring Dick round to 
 our way of thinking, I'll take care he gives his consent 
 to your marriage with Ella as soon as this has all 
 blown over. 
 
 Ella. There, Felix. You will stick to Mary, 
 won't you? 
 
 Felix. I will, like a leech. 
 
 Mary. Then, that's settled. Now, Ella, I want 
 [571 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 to talk to Mr. Galpin, The motor's outside. You 
 go on to Carrick and Green's, and get your dress 
 tried on. I'll be there to try on mine as soon as 
 you've finished. Send the motor back for me. 
 
 Ella. All right. [Going to door. To Felix.] 
 Don't come down — no surrender ! No apology ! 
 Down with the Bodsworths! Down with impro- 
 priety ! [Exit. 
 
 Mary. Have you seen Mr. Tadman? 
 
 Felix. Yes. He says the story is being repeated 
 all over the town, and Lady Bodsworth is obliged to 
 insist on the apology. 
 
 Mary. You told him I wouldn't sign? 
 
 Felix. I said I would submit it to you, but I 
 feared it would be useless. [Draws a large blue en- 
 velope out of his pocket, takes out a blue paper and gives 
 it to Mary, who reads it.] Tadman is calling on Sir 
 Thomas this afternoon for final instructions. He 
 said he'd look in here on his way up. 
 
 Mary [Having looked at the paper, gives a little 
 shriek, reads a little further, gives a louder shriek]. 
 Sign this? Why doesn't she ask me to sweep her 
 doorsteps? [About to tear it up.] 
 
 Felix. No, don't tear it. I must show it to 
 Whichello. 
 
 [58] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. No, he might want me to sign it. 
 
 Felix. Well, I must keep it for reference. [She 
 gives hdm the paper.] 
 
 Mary. "Undertake not to repeat "! When 
 
 she's going about telling everybody the most dread- 
 ful — there's no other word — lies about it. The 
 account she gave to the Petburys when they lunched 
 there ! Never mind ! I gave Lady Petbury my ver- 
 sion. I kept her laughing for an hour. 
 
 Felix. I wouldn't say anything about it while 
 there's a lawsuit pending. 
 
 Mary. Not say anything about it? Oh, yes, I 
 shall! Every day I think of something fresh! 
 
 Felix. I hope you're careful to say nothing that 
 isn't strictly accurate. 
 
 Mary. Accurate? You don't expect me to be 
 accurate after the awful things she is sa.ying about 
 me? 
 
 Felix. You must remember it will all be taken 
 back to her. 
 
 Mary. Yes! That's exactly what I want. I 
 thought of two perfectly fiendish additions yester- 
 day 
 
 Felix. You haven't used them, I trust? 
 
 Mary. Yes, I went round to Mrs. Bratwick and 
 [59 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 told her. Mrs. Bratwick is her dearest friend, so I 
 knew she'd go straight and tell the impropriety. 
 
 Felix. You mustn't use that word 
 
 Mary. Oh, everybody calls her that now. She'll 
 never be known as anything else. Now, how soon 
 shall we have a General Election? 
 
 Felix. Within a few months — certainly within 
 a year. What has that got to do with it? 
 
 Mary. Mr. Elkington's majority was only seven- 
 teen. They say he'll lose the seat next time. 
 
 Felix. Most likely, I should say. 
 
 Mary. Dick has always been a Tory, but they're 
 having dreadful rows on the Town Council about the 
 new cemetery and the tramways. Dick is disgusted 
 with them. I'm persuading him to turn Liberal. 
 
 Felix. That wouldn't win us our lawsuit. 
 
 Mary. No, but — Mr. Harvey Betts, the Junior 
 Liberal Whip, is a great friend of yours? 
 
 Felix. Yes, we're old Carthusians. Harvey is a 
 big man now. I wish I'd gone in for politics! 
 
 Mary. Couldn't you invite Mr. Betts down for a 
 week-end? 
 
 Felix. Oh, yes. But how would that serve us? 
 
 Mary. If Dick would only turn Liberal, and win 
 
 the seat for them 
 
 [60 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. What then? 
 
 Mary. There was an old baronetcy in the Which- 
 ello family. It has been extinct for over a hundred 
 
 years 
 
 Felix. They'd scarcely give Whichello a baro- 
 netcy for winning the Warkinstall seat. 
 
 Mary. No, not for merely winning the seat. 
 But — aren't there other ways? 
 
 Felix. What do you mean? 
 
 Mary. Don't they give baronetcies and peer- 
 ages to people who subscribe to the party funds? 
 
 Felix. Yes — but they have to fork out pretty 
 heavily. 
 
 Mary. How much? 
 
 Felix. Heaven only knows — and the party 
 leaders. 
 
 Mary. Couldn't you get Mr. Betts down and 
 find out from him how much? 
 
 Felix. Oh, I daresay Harvey would come. But 
 to get a title you have to be deserving in other ways. 
 
 Mary. How deserving? 
 
 Felix. Well, Bodsworth happened to be build- 
 ing a sanatorium, and it came in just handy for the 
 Insurance Act. 
 
 Mary [After a little thoughtful pause]. Dick shall 
 [61]' 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 give the town the new cemetery and crematorium! 
 [Suddenly bursts into laughter.] Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Felix. What's the matter? 
 
 Mary. Fancy Lady Bodsworth having to be 
 cremated in our crematorium! Ha! ha! Or even 
 only buried ! 
 
 Felix. At the rate we're going on, it will cost us 
 a lot before we do get rid of her. 
 
 Mary. Never mind! It has got to be done! 
 
 Felix. I don't know what we're going to let 
 Whichello in for. 
 
 Mary. We're going to let him in for a baronetcy. 
 
 Felix. Yes, but will he stand the racket? 
 
 Mary. He'll have to stand the racket. You 
 aren't going to turn on his side, are you? 
 
 Felix. No, but hadn't we better tot up before 
 we go any further? Now this lawsuit — suppose it. 
 goes against us? 
 
 Mary. It wouldn't cost very much, would it? 
 
 Felix. Can't say. Some hundreds at least. A 
 good deal would depend upon the impression you 
 make on the jury. 
 
 Mary. Oh, I think I can manage that. Lady 
 Bodsworth will have to appear, too? 
 
 Felix. Of course. 
 
 [62] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. In that wig? Oh, we shall romp in! 
 
 Felix. Yes, but the other side will want to know 
 exactly what you meant by "impropriety." 
 
 Mary. Well, what did I? 
 
 Felix. Well, what did you? 
 
 Mary. You said you'd look me up a meaning. 
 
 Felix [Going to the dictionaries]. I asked McClin- 
 tock to lend me his big etymological dictionary. He 
 sent these in just before lunch. 
 
 Enter Dakin, shoiving in Chesher. 
 
 Chesher. How are you, Felix? 
 
 Felix.- How are you? 
 
 Chesher. Mrs. Whichello — delighted to meet 
 you again! [Shaking hands.] 
 
 Mary. You're paying us another visit? 
 
 Chesher. I've just looked in for an hour on my 
 way back to town. Every thing going well ? I hope 
 that little affair with the Bodsworths has quite 
 blown over? 
 
 Felix. Not quite. Mrs. Whichello and I were 
 just talking it over. 
 
 Chesher. Then I'm in the way. [Preparing to 
 
 go.] 
 
 Mary. No, don't go. Perhaps you could help us. 
 [63] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Chesher. Delighted. But how can I be of any 
 use? 
 
 Mary. If you were on the jury, would you think 
 "impropriety" a very dreadful word? 
 
 Chesher. Well, it depends upon the way it was 
 used — and who used it. 
 
 Mary. I used it. You remember that night of 
 Mr. Galpin's dinner party, and you remember how 
 Lady Bodsworth looked. Now, don't you think I 
 was quite justified.'^ [Chesher does not answer.] 
 Under the circumstances? 
 
 Chesher. Well, I shan't be on the jury. 
 
 Mary. No, but if you were? Tell me candidly. 
 
 Chesher. What was the exact phrase? 
 
 Felix [Quoting]. "With her powdered cheeks 
 and her yellow hair, she looks like an impropriety." 
 
 Mary. Did I say that? 
 
 Felix. Those were the exact words. [Referring 
 to the blue paper.] 
 
 Mary. Are you quite sure? I know I used the 
 word "impropriety," but, if I remember rightly, I 
 didn't use it in any derogatory sense. 
 
 Felix. Sir Thomas had the words taken down 
 that night. Mrs. Tadman will swear to them, and 
 they are prepared to subpoena Miss Southwood. 
 [64 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Ella? Ella doesn't remember exactly 
 what I said, but she's quite sure I didn't mean any- 
 thing horrid. 
 
 Felix. Unfortunately Miss Southwood won't 
 have to decide what you meant. The other side 
 claim that '"impropriety" means a — a — a lady of 
 a certain class. 
 
 Mary. Oh, no! Oh, no! I didn't mean that. 
 
 Felix. They will put it to the jury that you did. 
 
 Mary. Dr. Chesher, if you were on the jury, you 
 wouldn't say that " impropriety " means — a — a — 
 would you? 
 
 Chesher. Isn't it a useful variant for ? 
 
 Mary. For what? 
 
 Chesher. You know our English way. When 
 we want to escape from a fact we escape from- a 
 word. When the fact turns up again, we escape to 
 another word. In the end, we find we haven't abol- 
 ished the fact. We have merely corrupted the 
 English language. 
 
 Mary. I haven't corrupted the English language, 
 have I? We must have some word for a — that sort 
 of lady. 
 
 Chesher. We had a good Bible and Shakespear- 
 ean word, but it was too painfully exact to be applied, 
 [65] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 so we escaped to more pleasing substitutes. The 
 early Victorian term was amiably descriptive, and 
 carried a mild reproof. 
 
 Mary. What was that? 
 
 Chesher. About eighteen-forty it was custom- 
 ary to speak of a "Fie! Fie!" 
 
 Mary. I never heard the word. 
 
 Chesher. "Fille de joie" seems to be growing 
 daily more appropriate, judging from the appear- 
 ances of some of our fashionable restaurants. There 
 are many other more or less suitable terms. Those 
 who are curious in such lore may slake their thirst 
 for knowledge in Parminter's "Dictionary of Polite 
 Synonyms." 
 
 Felix [Has been busy over the dictionaries]. We 
 haven't yet decided what Mrs. Whichello meant by 
 impropriety. 
 
 Mary. I meant — what do the dictionaries say it 
 means? 
 
 Felix [Reading from a dictionary]. " Impropriety : 
 the quality of being improper. An erroneous, or un 
 suitable expression, act, ' ' etc . [Mary shakes her head 
 
 Felix [Turning to another dictionary]. "Impro^ 
 priety: that which is improper." Quotation from 
 Jane Austen. 
 
 [66] 
 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Chesher. Surely not! 
 
 Felix. "Elizabeth had never been blind to tJic 
 improprieties of her father's behavior," 
 
 Mary, Well, I wasn't blind to the impropriety of 
 Lady's Bodsworth's behavior. What else? 
 
 Felix [Reading from another dictionary]. "Im- 
 propriety: indelicacy, unseemliness " 
 
 Mary [Jumps at it]. "Unseemliness!" That's 
 what I meant! No jury would give heavy damages 
 for "unseemliness." 
 
 Felix. You can never tell what a jury will do. 
 
 Mary. Dr. Chesher, if you were on the jury 
 
 Chesher. Ah, but I'm not. 
 
 Mary. But would you give heavy damages merely 
 because I said that Lady Bodsworth's way of dress- 
 ing her hair was unseemly? 
 
 Chesher. Pardon me, was that exactly what you 
 said? 
 
 Mary. Never mind what I said. That was what 
 I meant. [Chesher shoivs surprise.] Surely I must 
 know what I meant. And if you were on the jury, 
 and I told you that all I meant was that Lady Bods- 
 worth's hair was unseemly, wouldn't you believe 
 me? 
 
 Chesher. I'm very much afraid I should. 
 [67] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary [To Felix]. We'll stick to unseemli- 
 ness! 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin. Mr. Tadman is below, sir. 
 Felix. I'll come down to him. 
 Mary. Couldn't he come up here? 
 Felix [To Dakin]. Show Mr. Tadman up. 
 Dakin. Yes, sir. 
 
 Chesher. Felix, I shall be going up by the five- 
 thirty. I'll see you by and by. [To Mary.] If I 
 
 can't be of any further use 
 
 Mary. You might stay and tell Mr. Tadman 
 
 that if you were on the jury 
 
 Chesher [Shakes his head with a chuckle]. Ah, 
 but I'm not going to be, [Pops off. 
 
 [Exit Chesher, leaving door open. A moment 
 later is heard to say, "How d'ye do?" Tad- 
 man's voice responds, "How d'ye do, 
 Doctor?"] 
 Felix [To Mary]. Now, you will be careful with 
 Tadman — don't repeat "impropriety." 
 Mary. No — "unseemliness." 
 
 Felix. We might try a bit of bluff 
 
 Mary. Yes. How? 
 
 [68] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Shush ! 
 
 Enter Dakin, announcing Tadman. Enter Tadman. 
 Exit Dakin. 
 
 Tadman. How d'ye do, Mrs. Whichello? 
 
 Mary. How d'ye do.f^ 
 
 Tadman. How do again, Galpin? 
 
 Felix. Take a seat, won't you? 
 
 Tadman [Sitting]. I can't stay. Sir Thomas is 
 expecting me. I hope Mrs. Whichello consents to 
 an apology? 
 
 Felix [Firmly]. I don't think so, eh, Mrs. Which- 
 ello? 
 
 Mary. Certainly not. 
 
 Tadman. Then we must take it into Court? 
 
 Felix. I suppose Sir Thomas and Lady Bods- 
 worth fully realize what that means? 
 
 Tadman. Pretty heavy damages, I should say. 
 
 Felix. What for? Mrs. Whichello inadvertently 
 makes a playful little comment on Lady Bods- 
 worth 
 
 Tadman. Playful little comment! 
 
 Felix. For which she expresses her deep regret. 
 Lady Bodsworth refuses to accept our apologies, and 
 insists on bringing it before a jury. Well, now, 
 [69] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Tadman, are you really going to allow Lady Bods- 
 worth to offer her hair and complexion to the contem- 
 plation of a jury? [^Iary gives a little chuckle.] And 
 so justify Mrs. Whichello's playful little comment? 
 
 Tadman. I suppose Mrs. Whichello knows the 
 implied meaning of impropriety? 
 
 Mary. Yes, it means "unseemliness." 
 [Tadman gives a derisive little grunt.] 
 It says so in the dictionary. 
 
 [Tadman again gives a little grunt.] 
 
 Felix. Mrs. Whichello will be delighted to ex- 
 plain to the jury exactly what she meant. 
 [Tadman again gives a little grunt.] 
 
 Mary. I'm longing to go into the box — simply 
 longing. 
 
 Felix. Our counsel will be instructed to treat the 
 whole matter as a farce. He may perhaps suggest 
 to Mrs. Whichello a few playful variations on the 
 original theme. 
 
 Tadman. That will increase our chance of getting 
 heavy damages. 
 
 Felix. Heavy damages? Why, you know, Tad- 
 man, this is just the sort of case that a judge and jury 
 look upon as a day's outing. Suppose Sparling gets 
 hold of it! Heavy damages? You'll get a farthing! 
 [701 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 And the next day all the papers will have chaflSng 
 articles on Lady Bodsworth's complexion, and she'll 
 be known all over the country as an impropriety — 
 whatever that may mean. Is that what Sir Thomas 
 wants? Just as he's going up to get his title! You 
 know best. 
 
 Tadman [Rising]. Then Mrs. Whichello declines 
 to sign the apology? 
 
 Mary. Positively ! 
 
 Tadman. I'll tell Sir Thomas your decision. 
 
 Enter Dakin, announcing Mr. Whichello. Enter 
 Dick-. Exit Dakin. Dick is evidently in a ruffled 
 temper. 
 
 Dick [Curtly]. How d'ye do, Galpin? Ah, Tad- 
 man, I'm very glad to find you here. [Mary makes 
 signs to Dick to be quiet. He takes no notice.] Now, 
 Tadman, this confounded thing has gone far enough. 
 Can't we get it settled? 
 
 [Mary gives a little shriek and shows intense 
 annoyance.] 
 Tadman. Nothing would please us better. I 
 have handed Mr. Galpin a form of apology. 
 Mary [Decisively]. Which I shall not sign. 
 Dick [Impatiently]. Tsh! Tsh! Tsh! 
 [71] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 [Felix takes the form of apology from his pocket 
 and gives it to Dick. Mary makes signs to 
 Felix while Dick reads the apology.] 
 Dick [Having read it]. Yes — well, this is a bit 
 
 stiff 
 
 Mary. Stiff! It's an insult, isn't it, Mr. Galpin? 
 Dick [Impatiently]. Tsh! Tsh! Tsh! [To Tad- 
 man.] I've just seen Monkhouse, and he tells 
 me that as an old friend of us both, he has got Sir 
 Thomas to promise to meet me and talk this over 
 amicably. 
 
 Mary. Mr. Galpin and I have decided upon a 
 
 course of action 
 
 Dick. Have you? Well, I have decided upon a 
 course of action. 
 
 [Mary in despair sits down, looks very obstinate, 
 
 taps the ground impatiently with her feet, 
 
 exchanges glances with Felix, and makes 
 
 contemptuous gestures as Dick proceeds.] 
 
 Dick. Now, Tadman, will you tell Sir Thomas that 
 
 I shall be pleased to talk this over in a friendly way? 
 
 Tadman. Certainly. When and where? 
 
 Dick. This is neutral ground. If he wouldn't 
 
 mind stepping round 
 
 Tadman. I'll suggest that to Sir Thomas. 
 [72] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dick. And if he'll meet me over the apology, I'll 
 meet him. over the tramways and the cemetery. 
 
 Mary. We must have a cemetery. And a cre- 
 matorium. 
 
 Dick. Tsh! Tsh! Tsh! Bring him along. Gal- 
 pin, I hope I may rely on you to help me arrange 
 this with Sir Thomas. 
 
 Felix. Certainly. [Rings bell.] 
 
 Tadman [Takes up his hat and is going]. I've no 
 doubt Sir Thomas will be ready to listen to any 
 proposal 
 
 Mary. I daresay he will! Rather than allow 
 Lady Bodsworth to go into the witness box with that 
 very unseemly hair and complexion! 
 
 Dick [Angrily]. Mary! 
 [Dakin appears at door.] 
 
 Felix. The door, Dakin. 
 
 Tadman [To Dick]. I'll take your message to Sir 
 Thomas. [Exit Tadman, folloived by Dakin. 
 
 Mary. Well, my dear Dick, of all the silly, foot- 
 ling, stupid, absurd things you've done in your life, 
 this caps everything! 
 
 Dick. How so? 
 
 Mary. Just as Mr. Galpin and I had planned it 
 all, you must needs come in and spoil everything! 
 [73] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dick. Spoil what? 
 
 Mary. We'd frightened Mr, Tadman into a blue 
 funk. The Bodsworths wouldn't have dared to 
 come into Court ! You'd have gone into Parliament. 
 The old baronetcy would have been revived — and 
 then you blunder in, and give it all away! [Throws 
 up her arms in despair, and walks about desperately.] 
 
 Dick. Old baronetcy? Nonsense! The Kella- 
 ton Whichellos were no connection of my family. 
 
 Mary. They must have been! Mr. Galpin, 
 will you please trace out my husband's relationship 
 to the Kellaton Whichellos? 
 
 Dick [Turns round on Felix]. Galpin, I hope 
 you're no party to this silly scheme of my wife's? 
 
 Mary. Yes. Mr. Galpin was saying ten minutes 
 ago, "if Whichello had any pluck he'd rouse himself 
 and fight, and we could sweep the floor with the 
 
 Bodsworths." 
 
 Dick. Galpin, you didn't say that? 
 
 Felix. Not precisely in those words. But I do 
 think Mrs. Whichello's plan is worth your considera- 
 tion. If it could be carried out — mind you, I don't 
 say that it could, but if it could, — it would place 
 you in the leading position in Warkinstall. 
 
 Mary. Of course it would, and what are you 
 [741 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 now? What am I? You say yourself that Sir 
 Thomas is sitting on you on the Town Council! 
 He's sitting on everybody ! If you don't take care, 
 my dear Dick, you'll very soon be a cipher in Wark- 
 install ! 
 
 Dick. That's all very well — but what can 
 I do? 
 
 Mary. Rouse yourself! As Mr. Galpin says, 
 " Fight him ! " Fight him over the tramways ! Fight 
 him over the cemetery ! Fight him over everything i 
 Put up for Parliament 
 
 Dick. Put up for Parliament — as a Liberal? 
 
 Mary. Why not? You don't believe in food 
 taxes. 
 
 Dick. No, but I'm 9, staunch Tariff Reformer. 
 That is, if the leather trade is properly considered; 
 
 Mary. You can't be a Tariff Reformer if you've 
 read that little pamphlet I gave you. It proves that 
 under Tariff Reform we shall all be starving in six 
 months. It quite convinced me. 
 
 Dick. But you canvassed for Elkington and 
 Tariff Reform at the last election! 
 
 Mary. Well, next election I'm going to canvass 
 for you, and no food taxes. You surely don't mean 
 to let the Bodsworths ride roughshod over us for the 
 [75] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 rest of our lives? Do have the courage of your con-- 
 victions ! 
 
 Dick. But I can't rat from the party 
 
 Mary. It isn't ratting. It's getting broader, 
 more enhghtened ideas, isn't it, Mr. Galpin? 
 
 Felix. After all, Whichello, it's only looking at 
 things from a Liberal point of view instead of a Con- 
 servative. That's all it amounts to. 
 
 Dick. But I shall have to give up my Club, and 
 all my friends. It's the only place in the town where 
 I can get a decent game of billiards. By Jove, yes, 
 and I shall have to hobnob with Borrodaile and all 
 the Dissenting set. 
 
 Mary. Well, they're very nice — when you get 
 to know them. And you needn't know them very 
 much. 
 
 Dick. And what's it going to cost? Lawsuit, 
 baronetcy. Parliament — I should have to be in 
 London three parts of my time — I should never get 
 a round of golf No, I'm hanged if I do ! 
 
 Mary. Very well, my dear Dick. Then Warkin- 
 stall will be simply impossible for me. 
 
 Dick [After further deep reflection, says more em- 
 phatically]. No, I'm hanged if I do! No! We 
 haven't long to live in this world! Do let us be 
 [76 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 happy, do let us be comfortable while we are 
 here. 
 
 Mary. Comfortable! Going in second to Lady 
 Bodsworth all my life! You don't call that being 
 comfortable? 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin [To Mary]. Please, ma'am, Carrick and 
 Green have rung up to ask if you wish to try on your 
 dress before the light goes. 
 
 Mary. I'll come at once. [Exit Dakin.] So if 
 that's your decision, Dick, we had better let our 
 house here, and move up to London. 
 
 Dick. What for? 
 
 Mary. I cannot live in a town where I am con- 
 stantly trampled under foot by a yellow -haired •^— 
 unseemliness. 
 
 Dick. Nonsense! You run along and try on 
 your dress. 
 
 Mary. Mr. Galpin, I shan't be long. Please see 
 that nothing is settled in my absence. [He is accom- 
 panying her.] No — please stay and try to rouse 
 my husband to a sense of his duty to himself. [Exit. 
 
 Dick [Turns round on Felix]. Now, Galpin, 
 what's the meaning of this? 
 [77] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Meaning of what? 
 
 Dick. I thought you were on my side. 
 
 Felix. So I am ! So I am ! 
 
 Dick. But Mrs. Whichello says you are advising 
 her it will have to go into Court. 
 
 Felix. No ! No ! Not if we can possibly keep it 
 out. 
 
 Dick. I'm quite determined I'll keep it out. 
 
 Felix. Quite right! "Never go to law." But 
 there are times in every man's life when he feels 
 that 
 
 Dick. Yes. Well, this is one of the times in my 
 life when I don't feel like that at all. 
 
 Felix. When he feels that he owes it to his own 
 dignity to 
 
 Dick. I don't feel I owe a ha'penny to my own 
 dignity. And I'll take jolly good care I don't owe a 
 thousand pounds or two to you lawyers — if I can 
 help it. 
 
 Felix. I'm ready to carry out your instructions. 
 At the same time, I may point out to you one or two 
 facts 
 
 Dick. Yes. Well, let me point out to you one or 
 two facts. The first fact is, I'm Miss Southwood's 
 guardian. The second fact is, I've got control of her 
 [78 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 money till she's twenty-five. The third fact, I've 
 made up my mind I won't have a lawsuit with the 
 Bodsworths. [Emphasizing his words by bringing 
 his fist on the table.] 
 
 Felix. Oh, I'm quite with you — quite. 
 
 Dick. Now you wish to be engaged to Miss 
 Southwood, don't you.'* 
 
 Felix. With your consent. 
 
 Dick. Very well. Then I'll give you a very 
 straight tip. You get me out of this mess with the 
 Bodsworths, and persuade my wife to give up this 
 silly nonsense of going into Parliament, and getting a 
 baronetcy, and when you propose for Miss Southwood 
 I shall most likely say, "Yes." What do you say? 
 
 Felix. Oh, certainly, certainly. 
 
 Dick. I may rely on you? 
 
 Felix. Absolutely. [Looks very uncomfortable.] 
 
 Dick. That's all right then. I shall leave Mrs. 
 Whichello entirely in your hands. [Felix's face 
 drops and grows longer and longer as Dick proceeds.] 
 My wife is the dearest little woman in the world. 
 But when once she gets an idea in her head, she is 
 the most aggravating, unreasonable, won't-let-you- 
 have-any-peace-till-she-gets-it creature that ever 
 breathed. 
 
 [79] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. She is rather persistent. 
 
 Dick. Good Lord, yes ! You've no idea what my 
 Hfe has been the last six weeks. I haven't had a 
 moment's peace. That's why I think it will be bet- 
 ter for you to take her in hand. 
 
 Felix [Getting more uncomfortable]. I very much 
 question the wisdom of my interfering. 
 
 Dick. Oh, there won't be any interfering. I 
 shall simply stand aside, and give you carte blanche 
 to bring her round to her senses. The fact is, Galpin, 
 I know jolly well that if she keeps on at me I shall 
 find myself let in for the lawsuit, and the baronetcy, 
 and all the rest of it, before I know where I am. 
 That's why I want you to come in as a buffer. 
 
 Felix. It's rather a ticklish thing to come in be- 
 tween man and wife 
 
 Dick. So it is, as a rule. But this is just one of 
 those cases where a third party can step in and ease 
 off the friction. 
 
 Felix. Well, I'll do my best, but 
 
 DicK. That's a dear, good chap. I knew you 
 would. I'm much obliged to you. You pull this off, 
 and then come and ask me for Ella. [Offers his hand, 
 shakes hands with Felix cordially.] I feel a load is off 
 my mind. [Looks at his watch.] She'll be an hour 
 [80] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 fiddling over her dress. Now let's look alive and fix 
 this up with Bodsworth and Tadman while she's out 
 of the way. 
 
 Mary enters. 
 
 Dick. Hillo ! Hillo ! I thought you were trying 
 on your dress 
 
 Mary. I was. so much upset I couldn't fix my 
 mind on it. It flashed upon me that if I wasn't 
 here, you would simply lie down and ask Sir Thomas 
 to walk over you. 
 
 Dick [Getting angry]. I'm not going to let Bods- 
 worth or any other man walk over me. 
 
 Mary. Yes, you will, my dear Dick, if I'm not 
 here. 
 
 Dick. You toddle back again to Carrick and 
 Green's and try on your dress. 
 
 [Mary replies by seating herself calmly. Dick 
 looks in despair at Felix, and makes a mute 
 appeal for help.] 
 
 Felix [After a little hesitation]. Perhaps you and 
 I might run round to Sir Thomas. 
 
 Dick. Yes [Preparing to go.] 
 
 Mary. He's here. I saw his motor coming 
 round the corner. 
 
 [811 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin. Sir Thomas and Mr. Tadman are in the 
 morning-room, sir. Shall I show them up? 
 
 Dick. We'll go down to them, Galpin 
 
 [Moving toward door.] 
 
 Mary [Rising]. Yes. 
 
 Dick. No, you'd better stay here — eh, Galpin? 
 
 Felix [To Mary]. Perhaps you'd better let us 
 open up the question. We'll refer everything to you 
 as we go along. 
 
 Mary [Firmly]. No, Mr. Galpin. You know 
 Dick's good nature. He's no match for a strong, 
 determined man like Sir Thomas. 
 
 Dick. I'm no match for Bodsworth? 
 
 Mary. No, my dear Dick, you know you aren't. 
 He'll make you say and do just whatever he pleases. 
 
 Dick. Oh, will he? We shall see. [To Dakin.] 
 Please show Sir Thomas and Mr. Tadman up. 
 
 Dick. No, Dakin [Looks appealingly at 
 
 Felix.] 
 
 Felix [To Dakin, ivho is going]. One moment, 
 
 Dakin. [To Mary.] Suppose you and I just step 
 
 into the next room. [With a sly, persuading look and 
 
 half-wink at her, unseen by Dick.] We shall then be 
 
 [82] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 able to follow the course of the negotiations 
 
 [With ajiother sly, persuading look and half-wink, 
 coaxing her off.] 
 
 Mary [Moving a reluctant step toward curtains]. 
 I don't like listening. 
 
 i Felix. No, neither do I, but — [another look and 
 half-winh] — we can better keep an eye on the situa- 
 tion. \With another look and ivink. Mary goes up 
 to curtains and passes through reluctantly.] 
 
 Felix [To Dakin]. Show Sir Thomas and Mr. 
 Tadman up. Don't mention that Mrs. Whichello is 
 here. [Exit Dakin. 
 
 Dick [In a whisper to Felix]. Keep her quiet! 
 [Felix throws Dick a confident glance of as- 
 surance, and a half-wink, goes through cur- 
 tains. Left alone, Dick shakes his head 
 dubiously, as if dissatisfied with the situation, 
 goes up to curtains, calls out to Mary.] 
 Dick. Now, Mary, please let me have a quiet 
 five minutes with Bodsworth, and don't interrupt. 
 
 Mary [Within]. All right, I'll look out of the 
 window. 
 
 Dick [Suspicious]. Galpin, just see that we're 
 not disturbed, there's a good fellow. [He shakes his 
 head again, very doubtfully.] 
 [83 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Enter Dakin, showing in Sir Thomas and 
 Mr. Tadman. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Dick [Goes to Sir Thomas very cordially, offers his 
 hand]. Ah, Sir Thomas, I'm dehghted to meet 
 
 you [Sir Thomas, stolid and rather cold, shakes 
 
 hands.] Our old friend Monkhouse wants us to make 
 this up. He says you are quite wiUing. 
 
 Sir T. I'm ready to discuss the matter. Mr. Gal- 
 pin is not here? 
 
 Dick [Glancing nervously round at curtains]. I've 
 asked him to let you and me have a quiet five min- 
 utes together. [Draiving Sir Thomas away from the 
 curtains and speaking in a low voice.] Now, you and , 
 I are sensible men, Bodsworth, aren't we? 
 
 Sir T. I have always prided myself upon my 
 good sense, and the clear view I take of things. 
 
 Dick, And I hope I'm not an utter ass. Well, 
 let us start from that platform, and work from that. 
 
 Tadman. An excellent platform! Two sensible 
 men! Work from that! 
 
 Dick [Glancing nervously at curtains; drawing Sir 
 
 Thomas /wr/Aer away; dropping his voice still lower]. 
 
 Now, between ourselves, old friend, if our wives 
 
 choose to quarrel, there's no reason that you and I 
 
 [84 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 should be fools enough to follow suit, and make our- 
 selves the laughing-stock of the town. 
 
 Sir T. I am not accustomed to regard myself as a 
 laughing-stock. 
 
 Dick. No! No! [Dropping his voice again, al- 
 ways 2vith a nervous eye on the curtains.] But folks 
 are laughing at us, aren't they, Tadman? 
 
 Tadman. They are taking that view of it. 
 
 Dick. I've never been so much chaffed in my life. 
 And they'll laugh more if we're fools enough to go 
 to law. 
 
 Sir T. I am quite prepared to arrange it. 
 
 Dick. "Very well. Then — [dropping his voice] — 
 we agree to settle it amicably. 
 
 Sir T. On a satisfactory basis. 
 
 Dick. Of course, on a satisfactory basis. \Whis- 
 pering.] The great thing is, we don't go to law. Let's 
 shake hands on that. [Offering hand; they shake 
 hands, Dick very cordially.] 
 
 Tadman. That's what I advised on the night — 
 arrange it amicably. 
 
 Dick. So you did, Tadman. Well, we have ar- 
 ranged it amicably. Now — [dropping his voice to a 
 coaxing whisper and drawing them toward him] — 
 let's all meet at the Club in an hour's time, and settle 
 [85] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 the details over a bottle of champagne. I'll bring 
 Galpin on. 
 
 Sir T. I have promised Lady Bodsworth that no 
 step shall be taken without her knowledge. 
 
 Dick [Is iipset]. Oh! [Dropping his voice.] I 
 don't think that's wise ! [Coaxing.] Hadn't we bet- 
 ter fix it up at the Club, and tell our wives after- 
 wards? You can send Tadman on to tell Lady 
 Bodsworth, and I'll send Galpin on to tell Mrs. 
 Whichello. And you and I can stay on at the Club, 
 and have a little friendly dinner together, eh? 
 
 Sir T. [Firmly]. I have given my pledge to Lady 
 Bodsworth to settle nothing without her. She is 
 waiting in the motor outside. I had better bring 
 
 her up [Making a little movement toward 
 
 door.] 
 
 Dick. I don't think I would! [Coming up very 
 cautiously to Sir T., speaking in a nervous whisper.] 
 Can't we all pop down to the Club 
 
 Sir T. [Getting very suspicious, speaks loudly]. Pop 
 down to the Club? Why should we pop down to the 
 Club? We are doing nothing to be ashamed of, I 
 hope? 
 
 Dick. No, no 
 
 Sib T. Then why do you speak in whispers? 
 [86] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Don't you wish everything to be open and above- 
 board? 
 
 Dick. Oh, yes, oh, yes 
 
 Sir T. Then as Lady Bodsworth is the insulted 
 party 
 
 Dick. Oh, not insulted 
 
 Sir T. Not insulted.'* She is designated as an 
 "impropriety," and she is not insulted.'* 
 
 Dick. Well, we needn't go into that just now 
 
 Sir T. But that is precisely what we must go 
 into.' And if you wish to settle it amicably 
 
 Dick. I do, I do. But I do think that Lady 
 Bodsworth's presence — eh, Tadman? 
 
 Tadman. I don't see how we can arrive at any 
 understanding without Lady Bodsworth's sanction. 
 
 Sir T. Certainly not. Nor shall I be any party 
 to "popping into the Club," or any underhand ne- 
 gotiations whatever. Lady Bodsworth and I are will- 
 ing to discuss the matter — without prejudice 
 
 Tadman [To Dick]. You won't get a better 
 chance to settle, Whichello. 
 
 Sir T. Then with Galpin's permission I will 
 bring her up. Where is Galpin.f* 
 
 Dick. He'll be here directly. He popped into 
 the next room at my request. 
 [87] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Sir T. [Growing more suspicious]. "Popped into 
 the next room" ? I don't like all this "popping" 
 into next rooms, and "popping" into Clubs. Galpin 
 had better be present if we are to come to a settle- 
 ment. I'll fetch Lady Bodsworth. [Exit. 
 
 Dick [Approaches Tadman in a cautious whisper]. 
 
 I got Galpin to take my wife into the next room 
 
 [Indicating curtains.] 
 
 Tadman. There? 
 
 Dick. Yes. She's better out of the way. Now, 
 Tadman, you're an old friend 
 
 Tadman. Certainly. 
 
 Dick [Glancing nervously round at curtains]. Well, 
 let's look alive and fix this up amicably. You'll help 
 me, won't you? 
 
 Tadman. Certainly. 
 
 Dick. Thanks. And if Galpin can only manage 
 
 to keep her quiet for ten minutes 
 
 [The curtains are moved aside, and Felix is 
 seen to he restraining Mary /rom coming in.] 
 
 Felix. We can keep an eye on the situation in 
 here. 
 
 Mary [Entering in spite of him]. I prefer to keep 
 an eye on the situation in here. [Looks at Dick for 
 two or three moments with an air of benevolent con- 
 [88] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 tempt and a little shrug.] Well, my dear Dick, so 
 you've bungled it again! 
 
 Dick [Getting angry]. Bungled it! Oh, no, I 
 haven't! I'm going to settle this amicably! [Tap- 
 ping the table emphatically with each word.] D'ye 
 see? Whether you like it or whether you don't, I'm 
 going to settle it amicably! [Again tapping the 
 table.] 
 
 Mart [Serene]. Very well, my dear Dick, settle 
 it amicably. 
 
 DitK. I'm going to! [With an emphatic nod oj 
 the head.] 
 
 Lady Bodsworth enters, folloived by Sir Thomas. 
 She has discarded her light wig, and her hair is now 
 plainly brushed, of a dark-brown color, loith a sus- 
 picion of being dyed. Her complexion is not made 
 up, and is rather pale and pasty. The result is a 
 startling change in her appearance. Dick has a 
 little shock, and turns away to recover himself. 
 Felix has also a shock which he conceals as quickly 
 as possible. Mary has a gaspy little chuckle, and 
 turns to Felix, icho admonishes her into silence by a 
 warning look. Mary immediately controls herself 
 into preternatural gravity, but every now and then 
 [89 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 steals a sly look at Felix and nudges him very 
 slightly with her elbow to look at Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Felix [Offering hand]. How d'ye do, Lady Bods-j 
 worth? [Lady Bodsworth takes his hand coldly. 
 Do please be seated. 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth remains standing.] 
 
 Dick. How d'ye do, Lady Bodsworth.? 
 
 Lady B, [Very self-conscious, preserving a stern 
 dignity]. I am quite well, I thank you. 
 
 Dick. Sir Thomas and I have made up our minds 
 as old friends to settle this amicably. 
 
 Lady B. Of course, if you wish to apologize. 
 [Looking at Mary.] I was not aware, when I came 
 up, that I should be called upon to meet 
 
 Mary [Looking at her, nods and speaks very sweetly]. 
 How d'ye do.^* You'll pardon me for not recognizing 
 you at first, now that you're — [looking at her] — 
 now that you're not — not so blond as you were. 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth gathers herself up with 
 wrathful dignity and looks at Sir Thomas.] 
 
 Sir T. Whichello, if you wish, to settle this ami- 
 cably, you had better request Mrs. Whichello not to 
 make any further remarks. 
 
 Dick. Ye-es. [Looks imploringly at Mary, who 
 [90 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 is demure and determined — looks at Tadman and 
 Felix for support.] Hadn't we better pop down — 
 adjourn to the Club? 
 
 Lady B. I think as I have been insulted, I have a 
 right to be present. [Looks at Sir Thomas.] 
 
 Sir T. Certainly. Now, Whichello, Tadman 
 and I are ready to listen to what you propose. 
 
 Mary. One . moment, Sir Thomas. Something 
 has just occurred to me — I should like to consult 
 
 Mr. Galpin — please excuse me [She draws 
 
 FeJvIx aside, and is seen to be arguing a point; he 
 shakes his head and demurs; she urges the point more 
 strongly — he still endeavors to quiet her. Dick 
 shows great irritation, and makes signs to her and 
 Felix.] 
 
 Mary [To Felix]. ' Yes! Yes! [To Sir.T.] 
 Please excuse us a moment. It's most important. 
 [To Felix.] Mr. Galpin, please ask Sir Thomas 
 
 Felix. We needn't raise that question at pres- 
 ent 
 
 Mary. Yes. Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth 
 have a right to know 
 
 Dick [Very much irritated]. Galpin, don't let's 
 mess about with any trumpery details. Let's get on 
 to the main point, and settle it. 
 [91J 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. My dear Dick, this is the main point. 
 
 Mr. Galpin, please explain to Sir Thomas 
 
 [Felix again tries to dissuade her in dumb 
 show.] 
 
 Sir T. Now, Galpin, my time is precious. What 
 is this point that Mrs. Vvhichello has raised? 
 
 Felix [Doesn't like the job]. Mrs. Whichello says 
 that if this case should unfortunately come into 
 court — which we hope may be avoided — would 
 Lady Bodsworth appear before the jury as she is now, 
 
 or as she appeared on the night 
 
 [Lady Bodsavorth utters an indignant ex- 
 clamation and looks at Sir Thomas.] 
 
 Mary. It wouldn't be fair not to give the jury an 
 opportunity of judging 
 
 Sir T. [Expands and explodes]. Really — upon 
 my word — I have never — Tadman, it's useless for 
 us to remain any longer. Fanny ! [Prepares to go.] 
 
 Dick [Stopping him]. No, Bodsworth, no! 
 There's no need to get in a temper! You and I are 
 sensible men! Let's talk it over quietly, as sensible 
 
 men ! Tadman, explain to Sir Thomas [He 
 
 urges Tadman to mollify Sir Thomas. Tadman goes 
 
 to Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth, a7id is seen to 
 
 be soothing them. Dick goes to Felix and Mary, and 
 
 [92 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 is seen to be arguing with Mary, ajid begging her to 
 keep quiet. The two groups hold a little conference 
 apart from each other, and are seen to be talking it over.] 
 
 Tadman. Now, Whichello, Sir Thomas will hear 
 what you propose 
 
 Sir T. Without prejudice. 
 
 Dick. Well, first of all, I should be disposed to 
 give in to Sir Thomas over the tramways 
 
 Sir T. a very sensible determination. 
 
 Dick [Irritated by Sir T.'s tone]. You think so? 
 Well, I don't. Still, to avoid a row here, and a row 
 on the Council 
 
 Sir T. There need be no row if you stick to your 
 principles, Whichello, instead of playing into the 
 hands of the Liberal Party. 
 
 Dick [Getting a little- angry]. Playing into -the 
 hands of the Liberal Party? 
 
 Sir T. As you have been doing for the last six 
 months. 
 
 Dick. Good heavens ! The town wants the tram- 
 ways badly enough 
 
 Tadman. Better leave that question, Whichello. 
 You wish to settle this matter amicably. 
 
 Dick [Grudgingly]. Well, I'll give in over the 
 tramways. And I'll give in over the cemetery and 
 [93 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 the crematorium. And I call that a very handsome 
 ofiFer. Especially as the old churchyard is only a 
 quarter of a mile above my factory, and a precious 
 damp hole into the bargain. 
 
 Sir T. I must ask you not to speak disrespect- 
 fully of the hallowed spot where I intend to be 
 buried. 
 
 Mary. Dick, you ought not to object to Sir 
 Thomas getting buried where he likes. 
 
 Dick [Turns round on her savagely]. Will you 
 please keep quiet. He may get buried whenever 
 and wherever he pleases — for all I care. It's a 
 mouldy, unwholesome bog, and it ought to be shut 
 up. But rather than keep on having these perpetual 
 rows over it, I'm willing to drop the new cemetery. 
 
 Mary. May I ask a question? 
 
 Dick [Fiercely]. No! For heaven's sake be 
 quiet for five minutes, and let's get this settled. 
 
 Mary. But, my dear Dick, if we don't have a 
 new cemetery, where are all the patients from Sir 
 Thomas's sanatorium to be buried.'^ 
 
 [Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth show 
 great anger. Tadman quiets them down.] 
 
 Dick [Has turned fiercely on Mary]. Will you 
 please hold your tongue? You've got me into this 
 [94] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 confounded muddle, and now you — [sees Felix, 
 who has been standing quiet and impassive, turns sav- 
 agely on him] — Galpin, are you acting for me in this 
 matter, or are you not? 
 
 Felix. Yes 
 
 Dick. Well, what are you standing there for? 
 Why on earth don't you back me up, and help me 
 get this settled? 
 
 Felix. If you'll give me your instructions 
 
 Dick. I have given you my instructions. Good 
 heavens ! If you're going to act for me, act for me, 
 and don't stand there with your hands in your pock- 
 ets! Act for me! 
 
 Felix. Tadman, Mr. Whichello has made very 
 liberal concessions over the tramways and the ceme- 
 tery. I hope Sir Thomas considers them satisfactory. 
 
 Sir T. Quite satisfactory, so far as they go. 
 [Dick gives an unconciliatory growl.] 
 
 Felix. In return for these concessions, Mr. 
 Whichello expects certain concessions on your side 
 — which he will now formulate. [Looking at Dick.] 
 
 Tadman. Now, Whichello 
 
 Dick. Well, of course you'll agree to drop the 
 lawsuit, and draw in over the apology; and I think 
 Sir Thomas might let us have the slope under the 
 [95 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 sanatorium grounds for the golf club — at a valua- 
 tion. 
 
 Sir T. Quite impossible. I consider that Eng- 
 lishmen waste far too much time on golf 
 
 Dick. Oh, you do? I suppose I'm the best judge 
 of how I waste my time. 
 
 Sir T. Certainly. But if you were more often in 
 your place on the Town Council, supporting me 
 
 Dick. Supporting you? 
 
 Sir T. Instead of playing into the hands of the 
 Liberal Party when you do come 
 
 Dick [Thoroughly roused]. When I do come I'm 
 
 going to vote for what I think right and proper, and 
 
 I'm going to support just whom I jolly well please! 
 
 [Walking about, comes toward Mary. 
 
 Mary [In a low tone to Dick]. He's walking over 
 you! 
 
 Dick. Support you? Good Lord, you walk 
 about like a little tin god, and you think you've got 
 the town in your pocket! Support you? I'll let 
 you see that you're not going to boss everybody and 
 everything any longer! Warkinstall doesn't belong 
 to you, does it? Support you? I'm going to sup- 
 port the tramways, and I'm going to support the new 
 cemetery; so if you mean to be buried in that hole 
 [96] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 you'll have to look sharp about it, or we shall cre- 
 mate you before you know you're dead ! 
 
 Sir T. Very well. At the next meeting of the 
 Conservative Association, I shall move that you are 
 called upon to explain your action, or resign. 
 
 Dick. Resign.? I do resign! I have resigned! 
 Play into the hands of the Liberal Party.? By Jove, 
 I will! Galpiui will you see Borrodaile and the rest 
 of them on my behalf, and say that if they consider 
 me a suitable candidate, I shall be pleased to fight 
 the town at the next election on Liberal principles! 
 And a jolly stiff fight I shall put up, I assure you ! 
 
 Sir T. Tadman, we needn't wait any longer — 
 Fanny I 
 
 Lady B. There's nothing been said about the 
 apology. 
 
 Sir T. We shall not accept an apology. Tadman, , 
 you will issue the writ at once. My wife an impro- 
 priety? We will see what a British jury says to 
 that! 
 
 Dick [Fiercely]. We will see! 
 
 Mary [Serenely]. We will see! 
 
 Sir T. Good afternoon, Galpin. [Bows to Mary.] 
 
 Felix. Good afternoon, Sir Thomas. [Rings 
 bell.] 
 
 [97] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Tadman. Good day, Galpin. Good day, Which- 
 ello. [Dick nods curtly.] Good afternoon, Mrs. 
 Whichello. 
 
 Mary. Oh, Mr. Tadman, one moment. [Appeals 
 to Felix.] Mr. Galpin, we shall have a right to 
 
 demand that the jury see the original coiffure 
 
 [Glancing at Lady Bodsworth, who utters a little 
 shriek, and makes a hurried exit. Sir Thomas glares 
 at Mary, and exits after Lady Bodsworth.] 
 
 Felix. Certainly ; I'm afraid, Tadman, our coun- 
 sel will have to press Lady Bodsworth to oblige us 
 on that point. 
 
 Tadman. Oh, very well. Good day. [Exit. 
 
 [Dick has seated himself, and has grown much 
 calmer.] 
 
 Mary [Enthusiastically]. Well, my dear Dick, I 
 do congratulate you ! [Kissing him heartily.] You've 
 come to your senses at last! 
 
 Dick. Oh, I'm in for it now. 
 
 Mary. Yes. [Excitedly.] Now, we mustn't 
 waste any time. Mr. Galpin, you'll be our election 
 agent 
 
 Felix. Delighted ! 
 
 Mary. Write to Mr. Harvey Betts, and ask him 
 to come down for the first week-end he can spare. 
 [98] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Right. 
 
 Mary. Dick, you must join the Liberal Club 
 
 Dick. Yes, of course. I'm in for it now. 
 
 Mary. You'd better give them some weekly 
 political addresses 
 
 Dick. Good Lord, what about? 
 
 Felix. Don't you worry. I'll write out your ad- 
 dresses. 
 
 Mary. Who's the best counsel we can get for the 
 lawsuit? 
 
 -Felix. Clapperton. He'll chaff Lady Bods- 
 worth into a fit, and chaff the whole case out of 
 Court. 
 
 Mary. Wire and retain him. [Felix sits down 
 and hurriedly writes a telegram.] Look cheerful, 
 Dick! 
 
 Dick [Getti7ig very gloomy]. Oh, I'm in for it now, 
 and I'm going to see it through. 
 
 Mary. Of course you are. Ella shall drop in on 
 Mrs. Bratwick, and mention that we're determined 
 to have Lady Bodsworth in full fig at the trial. Mrs. 
 Bratwick will take it to the impropriety, and then — 
 What's the matter, Dick? 
 
 Dick. Nothing — nothing. I'm thinking it over. 
 
 Mary. Well, look cheerful. 
 [99] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix [Having written telegram]. Yes, buck up, 
 Whichello — we'll see you through. 
 
 Dick. Oh, I'm in for it now — and I'm not going 
 to draw back. 
 
 Mary. Draw back? 
 
 Dick. I say I shan't. 
 
 Mary. I should think not! [Having glanced at 
 telegram which Felix has held out before her.] Yes — 
 send it ofF at once. [Felix rings bell.] And please 
 hunt up all about Dick's pedigree and his claims to 
 the Whichello baronetcy. 
 
 Dick. Baronetcy.'* 
 
 Mary. Yes. Look cheerful! Look cheerful! 
 Look cheerful. Sir Richard! 
 
 Curtain 
 
 [100 
 
ACT III 
 
 Three weeks pass between Acts II and III 
 
ACT III 
 
 Scene: The Same. About ten in the morning. The 
 room much as in the last act. 
 
 Discover Felix and Harvey Betts, each with a local 
 'paper in his hand. Harvey Betts is an alert, 
 smart, youthful-looking aristocrat of thirty-five, with 
 very bright, easy-going manners, and dressed in the 
 very latest fashion. 
 
 Felix. Hillo, Harvey — they're tickling you — 
 [Reads from his paper.] ^' Great interest attaches to 
 the visit to our ancient borough of Mr. Harvey Betts, 
 the briUiant young statesman, who has recently been 
 appointed one of the whips of the Liberal Party. 
 His presence amongst us sets the Government seal 
 of approval upon our esteemed fellow-townsman, 
 Mr. Richard Wichello, as Liberal Candidate at the 
 next general election." What does the Tory rag 
 say? 
 
 Betts [Reading]. " The desperate straits to which 
 [103] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 the Liberal Party is reduced in Warkinstall may be 
 inferred from the fact that the blustering and blun- 
 dering ratters, Whichello and Galpin — [digging 
 Felix] — the blustering and blundering ratters — 
 have been obliged to summon to their aid the pre- 
 posterous dandy who has recently been pichforked 
 on to the Treasury Bench as Junior Whip. We shall 
 see what the hard-headed, sturdy, common-sense 
 workingmen of Warkinstall have to say to this 
 egregious 'nut' without any kernel." 
 
 Felix [Reading]. "The chairman, Mr. Bloxam 
 Borrodaile, opened the meeting with a magnificent 
 display of Boanerges eloquence which somewhat 
 overshadowed the cautious and modest oratorical 
 effort made by Mr. Whichello. Mr. Harvey Betts 
 then followed with a lively attack upon the whole 
 Tory position, which was left a crumbled mass of 
 ruins. No less damaging was the vigorous onslaught 
 made by Mr. Felix Galpin, who is rapidly becoming 
 one of the rising hopes of the Liberal Party in War- 
 kinstall. But the loudest cheers of the evening were 
 reserved for our own Mary, as all true Liberals de- 
 light to call her. In a few terse and witty remarks 
 she indicated some local Tory leaders, who would 
 have the first claim to be accommodated in the new 
 f 104 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 cemetery and crematorium which Mr. Whichello is 
 presenting to the town." 
 
 Betts [Reading]. "After the pitiable exhibition 
 of his muddle-headed views which the turncoat 
 Whichello made last evening, every self-respecting 
 Conservative must rejoice that this incapable and 
 incoherent .wobbler has left the honest party. 
 Straightforward, clear-sighted patriots will no longer 
 have occasion to blush for this maundering rene- 
 gade." I say, old man, you wrote me Wliichello was 
 a jolly good candidate. 
 
 Felix. So he is. He has got six hundred work- 
 men. What's the matter with him? 
 
 Betts. He's the rankest duffer of a mugwump I 
 ever met. He's shaky on Free Trade; he's shaky on 
 Home Rule; he's shaky on T universal Suffrage; he's 
 shaky on the whole bally bag of tricks. 
 
 Felix. He has just ratted from the Tories, you 
 know. 
 
 Betts. Well, when a man rats, let him rat, and 
 make no bones about it. Now I call you a good 
 ratter, 
 
 Felix. No mistake about me, eh? Rising hope 
 of the W^arkinstall Liberals — eh? [Pointing en- 
 thusiastically to himself.] 
 
 [105] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Betts. You're all right. But what a ghastly 
 mess Whichello made last night. 
 
 Felix. He was pretty awful. 
 
 Betts. I thought you had him in tow 
 
 Felix. I wrote out his speech and coached him 
 all yesterday afternoon. Then he never spoke a 
 word of it. 
 
 Betts. Tell you what, old man, we shall have to 
 put some ginger into Whichello, or we shall come a 
 howling cropper. 
 
 Felix. Oh, he'll be right enough. You let Mrs. 
 Whichello know where you want to find Whichello, 
 and she'll take care he's on the spot. 
 
 Betts. I wish we could run her. I'm in love 
 with our own Mary. If it weren't for our own Mary 
 I should drop Whichello like a hot potato. [Drop- 
 ping his voice.] I say, old man, she keeps on digging 
 at me for a baronetcy. 
 
 Felix. You'll be able to manage it? 
 
 Betts [Shakes his head]. It rests with the 
 Chief. We've been chucking about a lot of 
 peerages and baronetcies lately. ^Vhat's this 
 old Whichello baronetcy she keeps on bringing 
 up? [Felix gives a shrug and grimace.] Nothing 
 in it — eh? 
 
 [106] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Oh, there was one; and she says Which- 
 ello is the heir. 
 
 Betts [Cunningly.] I suppose he'll plank down a 
 pretty big lump for the Party war-chest? 
 
 Felix. Oh, yes. He's pretty warm. 
 
 Betts. The question is, how much will he stand.' 
 I must have a chat with him. 
 
 Felix. I wouldn't. Take my tip. Settle the 
 tariff with her, and leave her to bring Whichello to 
 the scratch. [With a little winh at Betts.] 
 
 Betts. Right. Whichello will be here di- 
 rectly [Taking out his ivatch.] 
 
 Felix. You're taking him on to meet Ben 
 Chorley.'' 
 
 Betts. Yes, the Socialists mean to be nasty. 
 Chorley talks about running himself. 
 
 Felix. He stands no earthly chance. 
 
 Betts. No, but he can queer us. You may as 
 well come on with us and see Chorley. 
 
 Felix. Better not. 
 
 Betts. Why not? 
 
 Felix. I've been going about saying that the 
 Liberal Party is the only bulwark against Socialism. 
 
 Betts. What on earth made you say a damned 
 silly thing like that? 
 
 [107] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. I had to say it. Socialism is a red rag to 
 Borrodaile. You'd better not get in too deep with 
 Chorley. 
 
 Betts. My boy, we've got to win the seat, 
 haven't we? You'll have to hedge over Socialism. 
 
 Felix. We must keep in with Borrodaile 
 
 Betts. We must muzzle Chorley. 
 
 Felix. Very well. You tackle Chorley, and I'll 
 butter Borrodaile. 
 
 Betts. Right! Borrodaile, your pal — Chorley, mine. 
 
 Enter Dakin, showing in IVIary. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Mary [To Felix, shaking hands]. Good morn- 
 ing. [To Betts.] Good morning, Mr. Betts. 
 [Shaking hands.] 
 
 Betts. Good morning. 
 
 Mary. My husband will be here in a moment. I 
 must speak to you before he comes — no, don't go, 
 Mr. Galpin — it's about the baronetcy 
 
 Betts. Yes, but you know I'm only an under- 
 strapper. I'm the little boy who blows the organ. 
 The Chief plays the tune. And the Chief is very 
 touchy about the way these things are done. We've 
 got to put on our moral frock coats and top hats, 
 and avoid scandals. 
 
 [1081 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. But couldn't you give me some idea 
 Betts. Of what? 
 
 Mary. Of how much it costs — for a baronetcy. 
 
 Betts. Costs .f* The Chief's hair would turn 
 white at the bare idea of any trajffic in honors. There 
 must be no bargain. But if Which ello wins the seat 
 for us — and comes down handsomely for the Party 
 funds 
 
 Mary. Yes 
 
 Betts. The Chief is too good a chap to let his 
 ■ patriotism go unrewarded. 
 
 Mary. But you must remember that we already 
 have a baronetcy in the Whichello family. 
 
 Betts. Just now I don't fancy that would appeal 
 so much to the Chief as hard cash. And if I could 
 
 mention a tidy good round figure [Watching 
 
 her closely.] 
 
 Mary. Oh, that will be all right. Quite all right. 
 But Dick has got one of his stingy fits on. And he's 
 in a very bad temper this morning. He's going to 
 question you about the exact amount. You will give 
 him some quite low estimate, so as not to upset him 
 prematurely? 
 
 Betts. But suppose he nails me to it afterwards? 
 
 Mary. Oh, he won't, will he, Mr. Galpin? 
 [109] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. I don't think Whichello is going to have 
 much say in the matter. 
 
 Mary. Not when it comes to the crisis. You 
 
 will mention quite a low figure [Betts demurs^ 
 
 and half shakes his head.] Dear Mr. Betts, you must 
 allow me to know him — - Dick's the best husband in 
 the world, but in money matters he always needs 
 a — a — jumping board, before he takes the 
 plunge. 
 
 Betts. You're sure he'll jump when the time 
 comes? 
 
 Mary. Oh, yes; won't he, Mr. Galpin? 
 
 Felix. Like an antelope. I've seen him do 
 it. 
 
 Betts. Well, I'll put the matter before the Chief 
 when I get back. I'm afraid a baronetcy may be 
 doubtful. But the Chief might mention Whichello - 
 for a knighthood 
 
 Mary [Offended]. Knighthood.? They give knight- 
 hoods to persons like the Bodsworths, and railway 
 directors, and actors, and all sorts of people. We 
 couldn't think of a knighthood. 
 
 Betts. Well, we've got to win the seat first. 
 Then we can talk about the trimmings. 
 
 Mary. And you will give Dick quite a low tern- 
 [110] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 porary estimate as a jumping board? [Betts looks 
 doubtful.] He will jump when the time comes. 
 Betts. All right. Rely on me. 
 
 Enter Dakin, showing in Dick with paper in his 
 pocket. Enter Dick. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Dick [To Betts]. Good morning. 
 
 Betts [Shaking hands]. Good morning. 
 
 Dick. How are you, Galpin? 
 
 Felix. First rate. 
 
 Dick [In a state oj great irritation, pulling out 
 paper]. I say, I didn't go and make such a dodder- 
 ing ass of myself last night, did I.'' [They are silent.] 
 Did I, Galpin? 
 
 Felix. You weren't quite inyourbest fightingform. 
 
 Dick. No. Your speech went clean out of my 
 head. But I got on very well, didn't I? [They are 
 silent.] Anyway, I pulled up towards the end? 
 Didn't I? Well, at any rate, I didn't make such a 
 blathering idiot of myself as all this — [pointing to 
 paper] — did I? 
 
 Mary [Trying to take the paper away from him]. 
 You got on very well, indeed. I felt quite proud of 
 you 
 
 Dick [Keeping the paper]. I don't want your 
 [111] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 opinion. You've done nothing but egg me on from 
 the first. What I want to know is this — did I 
 make a silly jackass fool of myself last night, or did 
 I not? I know jolly well I didn't. [Throwing away 
 the paper contemptuously.] And I tell you this — 
 I'm fed up with the whole business and the whole 
 gang. Now, Mr. Betts, before you go any further 
 I want to know what this is going to cost? 
 
 Betts. Hadn't we better postpone that? 
 
 Dick. No. I'm not going to land myself in deuce 
 knows what expense just for the pleasure of seeing 
 B-a-r-t. stuck after my name, [To Betts.] So if 
 you please, you and I will have two minutes in 
 private. Galpin, can we step in there? 
 
 Felix. Certainly. 
 
 Dick [Turning to Mary]. And you kindly keep 
 out of this. If I am going to be fleeced, I'll know 
 
 how much. Now Mr. Betts 
 
 [Betts and Mary exchange a cheerful look of 
 understanding as Dick goes up to curtains. 
 Exeunt Betts and Dick through curtains.] 
 
 Mary [Watching them off]. That's all right. I 
 shall have all the summer to get Dick to take the 
 plunge. Is there anything more from the Herald's 
 College? 
 
 [112] 
 
 I 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. No. They're quite positive that your 
 husband's family has no connection with the Kella- 
 ton Whichellos. 
 
 Mary. They haven't gone far enough back. 
 
 Felix. They've gone back to the Civil War. 
 
 Mary. They must go back to the Conquest. 
 I think I'll go up to London and see them my- 
 self 
 
 Felix. Yes, I would. 
 
 Mary. Who's the right man to get hold of? 
 
 Felix. There's the Earl Marshal, three Kings at 
 Arms, six Heralds, and four Pursuivants 
 
 Mary. - What do the Pursuivants do? 
 
 Felix. Oh, I suppose they hang about, and pur- 
 sue anybody who sports a wrong coat-of-arms. 
 
 Mary. I'll get to know them. I might ask the 
 Garter King at Arms and the Heralds to dinner 
 
 Felix [Has a shock of surprise, shrugs his shoulders 
 dubiously]. Yes. Well, the Garter King at Arms is 
 your pal. But before you tackle him, what are you 
 going to do about the Bodsworth lawsuit? 
 
 Mary. Do? Nothing. Mr. Tadman hasn't served 
 the writ yet? 
 
 Felix. Not on me. You've heard nothing? 
 
 Mary. No. I don't believe they'll go on with it. 
 [113] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Ella shall call on Mrs. Brat wick and find out what's 
 going on at the Bodsworths'. 
 
 Felix. You're sure you can trust Mrs. Brat- 
 wick? 
 
 Mary. Oh, yes. I'm her bosom friend. 
 
 Felix. I thought Lady Bodsworth was Mrs. 
 Bratwick's bosom friend.'^ 
 
 Mary. Yes, so she is. I'm her bosom friend, 
 too. Ella is Mrs. Bratwick's extra special bosom i 
 friend. She tells Ella everything. "The impro- 
 priety" is raging like the heathen about the para- 
 graphs in the Mercury. Have you seen it this 
 morning? 
 
 Felix. Not that column. [Picks up the Liberall 
 paper.] "Warkinstall Society and Fashionable Gos-- 
 sip." 
 
 Mary. What a dear young fellow that is on the 
 Mercury — so sympathetic. 
 
 Felix [Reading]. "We understand that bright I 
 golden hair in large puffs will shortly become fashion- 
 able again, and will be extensively worn at the forth- 
 coming assizes " 
 
 Mary [Continuing]. "We trust, however, that 
 this attractive coiffure will not be carried to thei 
 point of impropriety" — Shush! 
 [114] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 [The curtains are pushed aside, and Dick's 
 voice is heard.] 
 Dick [Within the curtains]. Very well, then; 
 that's clearly understood between us. 
 
 Mary. Don't show it to Dick. He's got enough 
 to bear this morning, poor dear! 
 
 Dick and Betts enter through curtains. 
 
 Betts [To Dick]. Of course you've got to win 
 the seat first. Then I'll talk to the Chief, and tell 
 him you are anxious Lo replenish the Party war- 
 chest 
 
 Dick. ' I'm not so anxious as all that. I've told 
 you my figure, and — [nodding very emphatically at 
 Mary] — I'm not going to be rushed for a penny more. 
 
 Mary [Serenely]. I'm so glad it's all arranged. 
 You shall tell me all about it when we get home. 
 
 Dick. I don't know that I shall. For once in a 
 way I'm going to manage my own afi^airs. 
 
 Betts [Taking out ivatch]. We must be getting on 
 to Chorley. 
 
 Dick [Plaintiiely]. I haven't got to kow-tow to 
 Ben Chorley, have I? 
 
 Betts. We shall have to skip gently round the 
 minimum wage. 
 
 [115 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dick. Well, you skip gently round the minimum 
 wage, and I'll skip gently round to the Golf Club. 
 I've promised to meet Monkhouse at the station at 
 eleven, and have a round on the Dunningtree course 
 before lunch. I shall give Mr. Ben Chorley just ten 
 minutes, no more. 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin [To Dick]. Mr. Borrodaile is on the tele- 
 phone, sir. He rang up at your house, and they told 
 him you were here. 
 
 Dick [Disgusted]. What the nuisance is Boan- 
 erges rampaging about now.^* 
 
 Dakin. He says he must see you this morning, 
 sir. 
 
 Dick. Tell him to [Bursts out.] I'm not 
 
 going to voice any more burning questions. I've 
 been voicing burning questions for the last fort- 
 night. 
 
 Felix [Looking up from the paper which he has been 
 studying]. I expect it's about last night's meeting. 
 He rang me up an hour ago. 
 
 Dick. What did he say? 
 
 Felek. He said you'd have to buckle on your 
 armor, and gird up your loins. 
 [116] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dick. Gird up my loins? Tell him to gird up 
 his own loins — with that fat stomach of his. 
 
 Felix. You'd better see him. He's got a very 
 sore head. 
 
 Dick. Oh, well, you poultice it. 
 
 Mary. We'll ask him and Mrs. Borrodaile to 
 dinner. 
 
 Dick. No, we will not ask them to dinner. Tea's 
 their meal in my house. And I shan't be at home. 
 
 Dakin [Listening off]. I fancy Mr. Borrodaile's 
 ringing up again. 
 
 Felix. He won't be happy till he has heckled 
 you. 
 
 Dick [Taking out watch]. I shall give Boanerges 
 Bloxam Borrodaile, D.D., five minutes; and I shall 
 take it out of Ben Chorley's ten. Five minutes ChOr- 
 ley, five minutes Borrodaile. And then I'm off to 
 golf. Now, Mr. Betts. [Comes up against the Tory 
 paper, snatches it up angrily.] And there's this 
 blackguard leading article — I know jolly well I 
 
 never made such an ass of myself — I 
 
 [Goes off muttering. Exit Dick. 
 
 Betts. If he keeps on jibbing at everything like 
 this, we're dead certain to lose the seat. 
 
 [Exit after Dick. 
 [117] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix [Has been looking gravely at the Mercury]. 
 I say, don't you think you'd better stop this? 
 
 Mary. Stop my fashionable gossip? [Takes out 
 a little slip of paper from her bag.] Listen to what 
 I've got for to-morrow. [Reads.] "Ladies of a cer- 
 tain age who have too freely indulged in cosmetics 
 should not discontinue the practice too suddenly. A 
 magenta complexion, even if it is unseemly, may be 
 less painful than a pasty 'au naturel.' " 
 
 Felix. Yes, that's very good fun — if it only 
 frightens Lady Bodsworth from going into Court. 
 But suppose it doesn't? And suppose we get the 
 wrong judge, and suppose it comes out that you've 
 inspired these paragraphs? 
 
 Mary. What then? 
 
 Felix. Well, then it won't be very good fun at 
 all. 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin. Mr. Tadman's clerk is here, sir, and he 
 wishes to see Mrs. Whichello. 
 
 Mary. See me? What for? 
 
 Dakin. He didn't mention his business, ma'am. 
 They sent him on from your house. If you're busy 
 he says he'll wait. 
 
 [118] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix. Send him up, Dakin. [Exit Dakin. 
 
 Mary. Why does Mr. Tadman send his clerk to 
 me? 
 
 Felix. Looks like a writ. 
 
 Mary. Then they are going on! And Mrs. 
 Brat wick told Ella that Lady Bods worth wanted to 
 throw up the sponge and go abroad. 
 
 Dakin shows in Tadman 's clerk. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Clerk [Bows to Mary, draws tivo sheets of paper 
 from his pocket, goes to her, hands her one]. Mrs. 
 AVhichello, I have to hand you this document which 
 is a writ for slander brought on behalf of Lady Bods- 
 worth. [Mary looks at Felix and reluctantly takes 
 it.] Here is the original if you wish to see it? 
 [Holdi7ig it out.] 
 
 Felix. That's all right, Pollard. 
 
 Clerk. Good morning, ma'am. 
 
 [Bows to Felix. Exit. 
 
 Mary [Reading, slurring the earlier words]. "High 
 Court of Justice . . . Grace of God, United 
 Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, British Do- 
 minions beyond the Seas . . Defender of the 
 Faith ... to Mary Sebright Whichello of the 
 Cedars, St. John's Hill, Warkinstall 
 [ 119 ] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 County of . . . We command you, that within 
 eight days after the service of this writ on you, you 
 
 do cause an appearance to be entered for you " 
 
 [Looking at Felix.] 
 
 Felix. That isn't the sort of command you 
 want. 
 
 IVIary. "In an action at the suit of Frances 
 
 Louisa, wife of Sir Thomas Bodsworth, Knight " 
 
 We shall have to go on now 
 
 Felix. If you do, that knocks your baronetcy on 
 the head. 
 
 Mary. You think it does? 
 
 Felix. If you want to get a baronetcy you 
 mustn't be the defendant in a risky slander suit. 
 That's pretty plain, isn't it? 
 
 Mary. But how can I help it? 
 
 Felix. There's only one way. We shall have to 
 back out and apologize. 
 
 Mary. Apologize? Never! 
 
 Felix. Then bang goes the baronetcy. 
 
 Mary [Takes a desperate turn, looks again at the 
 writ]. "And take notice that in default of your so 
 doing, the Plaintiff may proceed therein, and judg- 
 ment may be given in your absence. Witness, Rich- 
 ard Burdon, Viscount Haldane of Cloan, Lord High 
 [120 J 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Chancellor of Great Britain " There must be 
 
 some way out of it. 
 
 Felix. I don't see any. 
 
 Mary. Give up the baronetcy? Go in after that 
 woman all my life? It's impossible. 
 
 Felix. You can have the baronetcy, or you can 
 have the lawsuit; but you can't have both. We 
 must chuck the lawsuit. If we lose it, where are we? 
 We shall all be discredited — Whichello for the seat, 
 you for the title, and I get a bad kick, both as lawyer 
 and election agent. We must draw out. 
 
 Mary. What had I better do? 
 
 Felix. I'll run up against Tadman, and find out 
 if they'll agree to a mild apology. 
 
 Mary. I won't apologize. [Felix shrugs his 
 shoulders.] You have got me into a horrible mess! 
 
 Felix. I've got you into a horrible mess? 
 
 Mary. Well, haven't you? You've been advis- 
 ing me all through 
 
 Felix. I've been trying to advise you 
 
 Mary. Yes, and see where you've landed me. 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin. Mr. Tadman is below, sir. He'd like to 
 speak to you and Mrs. Whichello. 
 [121] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix [After a glance at Mary]. Show him up. 
 [Exit Dakin.] You'd better not say anything. Let 
 me arrange it if I can. 
 
 Mary. I'm not going to apologize — at least, not 
 till the last moment. 
 
 Felix. We'll hear what he has to say. Shush! 
 
 Enter Dakin, showing in Tadman. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Felix. Good morning, Tadman. 
 
 Tadman [Very cordial]. Good morning. [Goes to 
 Mary.] Good morning, dear Mrs. Whichello. 
 
 Mary. Good morning. 
 
 Tadman. I must apologize for intruding, Galpin. 
 I've been walking up and down outside your gate 
 for ten minutes 
 
 Felix. Taking exercise? 
 
 Tadman. No. I was coming down from Sir 
 Thomas when my clerk Pollard came out after doing 
 his duty. [Tapping the writ in Mary's hand.] He 
 mentioned you were here. And I said to myself, 
 "Now, shall I do a rather unprofessional thing, and 
 make one last attempt to keep this out of Court?" 
 And I said, "I will, just for the sake of my old friend- 
 ship with Whichello." 
 
 Felix. Thatwaskindofyou. Sit down, won't you? 
 [122] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Tadman. No, thanks. Can't stay. Got to be 
 back at my office. 
 
 Felix. Sir Thomas doesn't know you're here? 
 
 Tadman. Of course I shall tell him. And I'm 
 sure he'll see I'm not acting against his interest in 
 taking this upon myself. [A pause.] You've looked 
 through that? [Signifying ivrit.] 
 
 Mary. Not all through. I don't understand 
 lawyers' language. 
 
 Felix. It was a long time coming, Tadman. We 
 began to think you'd forgotten all about it. 
 
 Tadman. I held it back, thinking that perhaps 
 Mrs. Whichello might be inclined to — a -^ 
 
 Mary. I'm not going to apologize. 
 
 Tadman. If you've quite made up your mind — 
 
 I'm sorry. I hoped perhaps [Going toward 
 
 door. Felix makes an appeal to Mary behind his 
 hack. Mary responds with a gesture of dissent.] . Good 
 morning. [Opens door, going. 
 
 Felix. Tadman, if I were to advise Mrs. Which- 
 ello 
 
 Mary. Oh, I couldn't! Not apologize! 
 
 Tadman [Coming ioivard her]. If I might suggest 
 — we're all old friends — we don't want to wash our 
 dirty linen in public 
 
 123] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Oh, it isn't my dirty linen. And I'm not 
 washing it. 
 
 Tadman. No, but you'll have to pay the laundry 
 bill. And you and Whichello will get thoroughly 
 splashed. He wants to go into Parliament, doesn't 
 he? 
 
 Mary. Not very much. But I think I shall get 
 him there. 
 
 Tadman [Pointing to writ]. Won't that be rather 
 in your way? 
 
 Mary. Oh, no! I've been canvassing. The 
 voters love to talk about yellow hair and magenta 
 cheeks. They like it better than politics. 
 
 [Felix, behind Tadman's back, shakes his head 
 severely at Mary and shows despair.] 
 
 Tadman. Well, I've done my best. It's a pity. 
 [Going toward door. Felix makes another appeal to 
 Mary.] Good morning. 
 
 Felix. What do you propose? 
 
 Tadman. Nothing. But whatever you propose 
 I'll ask Sir Thomas to consider favorably. 
 
 Felix. Hadn't you better get Sir Thomas's au- 
 thority? 
 
 Tadman [Shakes his head]. In his present temper 
 he won't listen to anything but a definite apology. 
 [124] 
 
 J 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 If I could take him a form we had arranged upon 
 he might give way — I can't tell — I'm willing to 
 try it. 
 
 [Felix looks at Mary. Tadman looks from 
 one to the other.] 
 
 Mary [After a longish pause]. I'll think it over. 
 
 Tadman [Shakes his head]. I'm on my way to en- 
 gage counsel. When that is done an apology will be 
 too late. 
 
 Mary [Very reluctantly, after a pause]. I don't 
 mind saying I'm sorry. 
 
 Tadman. I daren't approach Sir Thomas with 
 anything but a formal apology, with an expression 
 of regret, and an assurance not to repeat. 
 
 Felix. For publication? 
 
 Tadman. Except in case of necessity I should ad- 
 vise Sir Thomas not to publish. 
 
 Mary. No, but the "impropriety" — [Felix 
 shakes his head at Mary] — would show it all over 
 the town. 
 
 Felix. What form do you suggest? 
 
 Tadman. I must just consider that. Let me run 
 
 down to the Club, and draw up the easiest terms I 
 
 can advise Sir Thomas to accept. Then if you and 
 
 Mrs. Whichello approve I can go straight to Sir 
 
 [125] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Thomas; we can sign it to-day and the matter's 
 ended. 
 
 Mary [After a pause, very reluctantly]. Very well. 
 
 Tadman. I've done you and Whichello a good 
 turn. I'll be back soon, 
 
 Mary [As Tadman is going off and is closing door, 
 calls after him]. It must be very mild, not like your 
 other apology — just a tiny wee one. 
 
 [Exit Tadman. 
 
 Mary. There! You see what you've let me in for. 
 
 Felix. I've let you in.^* 
 
 Mary. You should have bluffed Mr. Tadman. 
 
 Felix. Yes, and bluffed you out of all chance of 
 the baronetcy. Now we've got to put some stiffen- 
 ing into Whichello. He's going the right way to 
 lose this election. We must coax him to swallow 
 the minimum wage from Chorley. And above all 
 we've got to keep him good pals with Borrodaile. 
 
 Dick enters in a towering rage. They look at him. 
 
 Mary. Dick! What's the matter.? 
 
 Dick. I've had twenty mortal minutes with 
 Bloxam Borrodaile. 
 
 Mary [Alarmed]. You haven't quarreled with 
 him? 
 
 [ 126 ] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dick. Not outwardly and visibly. But in- 
 wardly I have consigned him to bottomless perdition. 
 And if he crosses my path within the next three 
 
 months [Moves his fist slowly up and down, 
 
 threatening the absent Borrodaile. Mary and 
 Felix look at each other in despair. Felix shrugs his 
 shoulders and goes away.] 
 
 Mary. What did he do? 
 
 Dick. He boanerged all over his drawing-room, 
 like a bull of Basham; lathered me for my speech 
 last night, and wants me to take the chair next week 
 for some .black chap who's going to voice the wrongs 
 of India. 
 
 Mary. You said you would? 
 
 Dick. No, I did not. I sloped off to the station 
 and left him boanerging on his doorstep. When I 
 got to the station the Dunningtree train had gone. 
 So he has done me out of my round with Monk- 
 house. [Turns solemnly to Mary.] Now, don't you 
 ask Bloxam Borrodaile to my house. His tea's 
 off. 
 
 Mary. But we must keep in with Borrodaile 
 
 [Appeals to Felix, who shrugs his shoulders and 
 grins.] 
 
 Dick. You keep in with him if you like, but 
 [127] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 speaking for myself, two penn'orth more of Borro- 
 daile, and I throw up the whole job. 
 
 Mary [In despair]. Throw up? You can't throw 
 up your Liberal principles now! [Again appeals to 
 Felix, who shrugs his shoulders and grins.] 
 
 Dick. Can't I? Two penn'orth more of Borro- 
 daile — one penn'orth — a hea'porth 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin [To Dick]. Mr. Borrodaile wants to 
 speak to you again on the 'phone, sir. 
 
 [Felix bursts into laughter. Dick rises, furi- 
 ous; thinks better of it, and calmly sits down.] 
 Dick. Tell him I'll make an appointment with 
 him in the sweet by and by. 
 
 Mary. No — no — you must go and see what 
 he wants, mustn't he? [Appeals to Felix, who 
 merely shrugs his shoulders and grins.] 
 
 Dakin. He says it's most important, sir; some- 
 thing he forgot to question you about 
 
 Dick. Tell him to heckle the telephone. I've 
 had enough of it. 
 
 Mary [To Dakin]. Tell him Mr. Whichello will 
 be down to speak to him in a moment. 
 
 [Exit Dakin. 
 [ 128 ] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary [Trying to get Dick out of his chair]. Now, 
 Dick, we can't win the election without Borrodaile, 
 
 Dick. Then we'll lose it. 
 
 Mary. But if we lose the election we shan't get 
 the baronetcy. We can't lose it ! [Tries again to get 
 Dick out of the chair, appeals with a gesture to Felix.] 
 Mr. Galpin, won't you Please! 
 
 Felix. I'll go and see what Borrodaile wants. 
 
 Mary. Tell him Dick agrees with every word he 
 says. [Felix goes off. She calls after him.] And 
 »tell him I'll take the chair for his black man. Now, 
 Dick, this is disgraceful ! You knew what it meant 
 when you took up Liberal principles 
 
 Dick. By Jove, I didn't! or I'd never have gone 
 in for it. 
 
 Mary\ But you have gone in for it. You said 
 you'd never draw back. You said you wouldn't let 
 Bods worth walk over you. 
 
 Dick. Well, he isn't going to walk over me. 
 
 Mary\ But he is walking over you. You must 
 go on now! You must fight it to the end! 
 
 Dick. Very well then, if you want me to see this 
 through, you keep Borrodaile out of my way, be- 
 cause if he dares to boanerge over me, I shall gird 
 
 up my loins and I shall Good heavens ! 
 
 [129] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. What is the matter? 
 
 Dick. Good Lord! 
 
 Mary. What is it.? 
 
 Dick. I've lost my golf clubs. [Mary looks at 
 him in despair.] Now that's all through jawing with 
 Borrodaile about his black man! Now where did I 
 — I must have left them at the station. 
 
 Reenter Felix 
 
 Mary. What does Mr. Borrodaile want? 
 
 Felix. It seems two members of his congregation 
 saw Whichello playing golf on Sunday. He says no 
 man is fit to represent Warkinstall on Liberal prin- 
 ciples who plays golf on Sundays. And unless — 
 [to Dick] — you give a distinct pledge to abstain 
 from Sunday golf, he must request you to resign 
 your candidature. 
 
 Dick. That's all right. I resign my candidature. 
 
 Mary. No! [Glancing nervously at Dick.] Tell 
 him Mr. Whichello will abstain 
 
 Dick [Jumps up]. Eh? 
 
 Mary, Tell him it will be all right. [Glancing 
 nervously at Dick.] Ask him to bring Mrs. Borro- 
 daile to have din — [Dick looks furious] — tea with 
 
 me 
 
 [130] 
 
 i 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dick. Not in my house. 
 
 IVIary. Say it will be all right, and ask him and 
 Mrs. Borrodaile to dinner with you to-night. 
 
 Felix. Dinner with me? 
 
 Mary. Yes — I'll come, too. Oh, do go and 
 pacify him! do! [Getting him off at door, looks at 
 Dick, who is placidly lighting a cigarette; can't quite 
 make up her mind how to tackle him.] Dick, you de- 
 serve to be shaken! [Rushes furiously at him and 
 shakes him.] You can't really mean to draw back 
 now? 
 
 Dick. Yes, I do. I wash my hands of the whole 
 crew. 
 
 Mary. No. Not till you've won the seat. 
 [Wheedling.] You will keep in with Borrodaile till 
 after the election? Yes — there's a dear, good boy! 
 And I'll be such a darling to you for a long while. 
 I've always said you were the best husband in the 
 world 
 
 Dick [Has picked up the cigarette she has knocked 
 out of his hand]. Well, so I am. 
 
 Mary. Yes, if you'll only just let me, eh? — 
 stroking his chin and kissing him] — eh ? — phone to 
 old Boanerges that you'll give up the golf — eh? 
 old sonnie, eh? 
 
 [131] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dick. Give up my golf? After sticking in the 
 House all the week, listening to their jaw half the 
 night, and voting just how I'm told for a lot of 
 hangnation things I don't know and don't care a 
 cuss about! No. We're in this world for a very 
 short time. Do let us be happy, do let us be com- 
 fortable while we are here. 
 
 Mary. You'll be more chaffed than ever! You 
 
 will have a bad time [Goes to him again, throws j 
 
 her arms round his neck.] Dick, old man, give it to i 
 me for a birthday present next month, eh? 
 
 Dick. Give you what? 
 
 Mary. Let me see Borrodaile and Ben Chorley 
 and promise them everything they want. I'll do it 
 all — and get you safely into the House, and then as 
 soon as the Government have rewarded you, you can 
 retire from politics, and go round the world. And 
 when you come back, you can change your views and 
 be a nice old Tory again, and join your club — eh? 
 
 Dick [Calm, good-humored, very firm]. No. No. 
 No. No. No. 
 
 Mary. You mean that? You aren't going to 
 fight the seat after all? 
 
 Dick [Same tone]. No. No. No. No. No. No. 
 [Mary bursts suddenly into tears.] 
 [ 132 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary [Sobbing]. And after all I've done for you. 
 And the Duchess of Gloucester is coming to open the 
 maternity wing of the Sanatorium. And Lady 
 Bods worth is going to present her with a bouquet. 
 [Peeping at him through her tears.] I shall go and stay 
 with Aunt Henrietta! You won't like that! Re- 
 member how you begged me to come home last time. 
 I'll stay away for a month ! I will ! [Peeping at him. 
 He remains unmoved, placidly smoking. She rushes at 
 him.] Dick, you're a brute ! 
 
 Dick. Now, look here, old girl. I'm not going 
 into Parliament. That's settled. But next month, 
 when your birthday comes, we'll go to the 
 South 
 
 Mary. No, we won't. 
 
 Dick. Well, where shall we go.^^ Don't you -re- 
 member the jolly times we had at 
 
 Mary. No! 
 
 Dick. Well, we have had, some jolly times to- 
 gether. [Mary dissents.] Oh yes, we have. [Try- 
 ing to fondle her.] And I'll give you that new Rolls 
 Royce, and I'll take you for the j oiliest trip — now 
 where shall we go? 
 
 Mary. I'm going to Aunt Henrietta the first 
 thing to-morrow morning. 
 
 [133 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix enters. 
 
 Mary. What did you tell Mr. Borrodaile? 
 
 Felix. They'd cut us off, and his line's engaged. 
 What's the matter? 
 
 Mary. He has thrown it up! The maundering 
 renegade! The turncoat! The incoherent and in- 
 capable wobbler! The blustering and blundering 
 ratter! Look at him! 
 
 [Dick sits quietly smoking.] 
 
 Felix. You aren't to stand for Warkinstall? 
 
 Dick [Same to7ie]. No. No. No. No. No. 
 No. 
 
 Felix. What's to be done? 
 
 Mary. They ought to make him a baronet for 
 the cemetery. 
 
 Felix. Not much chance of that. 
 
 Mary. Then he must give the town something 
 else — a new Town Hall ! 
 
 Felix. We don't want a new Town Hall. 
 
 Mary. Well, what does the town want? A 
 people's park with zoological gardens and tortoises 
 and kangaroos and a monkey house 
 
 Dick. With land all round at two thousand 
 pounds an acre. No, thank you ! 
 [134] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 IVL^RY. Well — a picture gallery — a museum — 
 an aquarium? The town must want something. 
 
 Enter Betts. 
 
 Betts. It's all right. I've nobbled Chorley. 
 [To Dick.] But you'll have to swallow the mini- 
 mum wage and the Osborne judgment. 
 
 Dick. I'm not going to swallow anything! 
 
 Mary [Calling Betts to her]. Mr. Betts, my 
 husband thinks that perhaps the Liberal cause might 
 not be quite safe in his hands, so he has decided to 
 become a philanthropist to the town. 
 
 Betts [Looks all round, puzzled]. Oh! Has he? 
 
 Mary [Drawing Betts aside]. Rather than the 
 Liberal cause should suffer through him, he'll sacri- 
 fice himself [Goes on talking to Betts.] 
 
 Dick. I say, Galpin, I've lost my golf clubs 
 
 Felix. Have you? 
 
 Dick. I can't remember where I left them. I 
 know I had them in the cab when I left Borrodaile's. 
 I believe I took them into the booking oflBce. Would 
 you let your man ring them up at the station, and 
 ask them to look round? 
 
 Felix. Certainly. 
 
 Dick. I haven't had a round for a fortnight, ever 
 [135] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 since this ghastly speeching and voicing has been 
 going on. 
 
 Betts [To Mary]. Oh, no, I couldn't suggest it. 
 We can't go chucking about titles for museums and 
 picture galleries. We're out to win the seat from 
 the Tories. Seats are what we want just now! 
 
 Maky. Then what's to be done? [Sees Felix, is 
 struck with an idea.] Mr. Galpin, you must stand for 
 Warkinstall ! 
 
 Felix. Stand for Warkingstall ! 
 
 Betts [Enthusiastically]. Good business ! Good 
 business ! 
 
 Mary. What do you say? 
 
 Felix. Oh, I'm on the job — emphatically on the 
 job. But I've got no money. 
 
 Mary. Dick and I will see to that. 
 
 Dick. What? 
 
 Mary. Of course, you will, Dick. You can't 
 leave the Liberal Party in the lurch now. You're 
 bound to see them through this election. [Turns 
 to Betts.] If Mr. Whichello lends his influence to 
 Mr. Galpin, and pays the election expenses, I suppose 
 the Chief would recognize his self-sacrifice? 
 
 Betts. I feel sure he would. I should explain 
 Whichello's self-denying action, and if he'll — [loolc- 
 [136] 
 
I 
 
 MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 ing at Dick] — send a tidy cheque to the war-chest, 
 I'll put it in the right light to the Chief. 
 
 Mary. Then that's settled. 
 
 Dick. I don't know so much about that. 
 
 Mary. Hold your tongue, Dick. [In a very low 
 pleading voice to Betts.] I suppose if my husband 
 sent in quite a large cheque — something very hand- 
 some indeed — the Government would consider 
 him for — a 
 
 Betts. For what? 
 
 Mary [In a very timid, nervous whisper]. For a 
 — peerage.'' 
 
 ' Betts. Peerage? [By a gesture expresses horror 
 too great to be conveyed in words.] 
 
 Mary. I said of course they wouldn't. Of 
 course not. We shall be quite satisfied with a baron- 
 etcy. 
 
 Dick. Mr. Betts, you know my figure. [To 
 Mary.] Not a penny more. Now can I get on to 
 the station about my golf clubs? 
 
 Mary [In a loiv tone to Betts]. It's all right. He 
 will jump. [To Felix.] Will Mr. Borrodaile ac- 
 cept you as candidate? 
 
 Felix. Oh, yes. After my speech last night he 
 wrung my hand and said: "Ah, Mr. Galpin, you're 
 [137] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 the sort of man we want to blow the Liberal trumpet 
 in Warkinstall and Westminster!" 
 
 Betts. I say, old man, you'll have to play a tune 
 or two on the Socialist trumpet 
 
 Felix. Shall I? 
 
 Betts. I've promised Chorley 
 
 Felix. That's awkward. I've been telling 
 everybody that the Liberal Party is the only bulwark 
 against Socialism. 
 
 Mary. Well, isn't it? 
 
 Felix. I dunnow. That's what I've been say- 
 ing. 
 
 Mary. Never mind what you've been saying. 
 You've got to win the seat. 
 
 Felix [After a perplexed gesture]. Well, after all 
 it's only looking at things from a Socialist point of 
 view 
 
 Dick [Who has been quietly smoJcing and rumi- 
 nating, has just taken up the writ and glanced at it]. 
 Hillo, Galpin, what's this.'^ 
 
 Felix. What.? 
 
 Dick. You've told me all through I shouldn't 
 have a lawsuit with Bods worth. 
 
 Felix. I hope I shall be able to arrange 
 
 Dick. You'd better, because if this comes into 
 fl38l 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Court I button up my pockets for the election ex- 
 penses. 
 
 [Felix looks appealingly at Mary.] 
 
 Dakin shows in Ella, and exits. 
 
 Ella [Dancing in]. She's funked it ! She's funked 
 it! She's funked it! 
 
 Mary. Who has? Funked what? 
 
 Ella. The "impropriety." She daren't go into 
 Court ! She simply daren't ! 
 
 Mary. How do you know? 
 
 Ella. Mrs. Bratwick has just called with the joy- 
 ful news, so I came on with it at once. 
 
 Mary. Yes — tell me 
 
 Ella. It seems they had a grand council of war 
 last night 
 
 Mary. Who? 
 
 Ella, SirThomas, the "impropriety," and Mr. Tad- 
 man. Sir Thomas wanted to go on, but she daren't 
 face it, so they decided to with^draw from the lawsuit. 
 
 Mary. But they've sent me a writ. 
 
 Ella. Yes. The "impropriety" wants an 
 apology. So Tadman suggested he should serve the 
 writ, and then call upon you, as an old friend, and 
 get an apology out of you if he could. 
 [139] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. The old fox! We might have known he 
 was bluffing. 
 
 Ella. So he's coming to see you this morning 
 to try it on. 
 
 Mary. Is he? Is he? 
 
 Ella. Don't you let him get round you. 
 
 Mary. Oh, I won't. 
 
 Ella. The "impropriety" has decided to have 
 an attack of rheumatism and be ordered to Aix. 
 That's to be their reason for not going on with the 
 lawsuit. 
 
 Enter Dakin, showing in Tadman. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Tadman. Morning, Whichello. 
 
 Dick. Good morning. 
 
 Tadman. Good morning. Miss Southwood. 
 
 Ella. Good morning. 
 
 Tadman [Drawing out a sheet of paper], I'm de- 
 lighted we're going to settle this painful little affair. 
 
 Mary. So are we. 
 
 Tadman [Giving Felix the paper]. I've made it 
 quite easy for Mrs. Whichello. I think that will 
 meet the case. 
 
 Felix [Glancing at paper]. I don't think so, 
 Tadman, I don't think so. 
 
 [140] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Tadman [Surprised]. Eh? 
 
 IVIary. How is Lady Bodsworth this morning? 
 
 Tadman. Very well, I believe. 
 
 Mary. No symptoms of her old enemy, rheum- 
 atism? 
 
 Tadman. No. Won't you look at the apology? 
 
 IVIary. It won't be necessary, will it, Mr. Galpin? 
 
 Felec. Not at all. You may tell Sir Thomas 
 we accept service of the writ. 
 
 Tadman [Nonplussed]. Oh! That is your final 
 decision? 
 
 Felix. Absolutely. 
 
 Tadman. I may warn you 
 
 Felix. No, don't, Tadman. [Putting his hand 
 on Tadman's shoulder.] You go to Sir Thomas and 
 Lady Bodsworth, as an old friend, and say we shall 
 fight this out in Court. 
 
 Mary. Wigs on the green! 
 
 Tadman. Oh I [Looks round.] I'll tell Sir Thomas. 
 Good morning. [Exit Tadman. 
 
 Mary [To Galpin]. Now, you must get out your 
 election address. 
 
 Felix. Right. 
 
 Mary. Can I help you? 
 
 Felix. Rather, We must pitch it strong. 
 [141] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Enter Dakin loith a set of golf sticks. 
 
 Dakin [To Dick]. The cabman who took you 
 to the station found these in the cab, sir. 
 
 Dick [Taking his golf clubs lovingly]. Give him 
 half-a-crown. [Exit Dakin. 
 
 IMary. Dick, you must get out a farewell address 
 to the electors, recommending Mr. Galpin. 
 
 Dick. Eh? 
 
 Felix. Don't worry about that. I'll write it for 
 you. 
 
 [Mary, Ella, and Felix have had a hurried 
 talk. Felix sits down to write, Mary over 
 him.] 
 
 Dick [Strapping his clubs on his shoulder]. Now 
 look here, Galpin. I'm not going to be landed in 
 goodness knows what expenses over this confounded 
 election of yours 
 
 Mary [Waving him away]. Run away, you dear 
 thing! Run away, and play golf till after the elec- 
 tion. 
 
 Felix. Fellow citizens of Warkinstall 
 
 [Dick is going off with his clubs on his shoulder.] 
 
 Curtain. 
 [ 142 1 
 
EPILOGUE 
 
 Nearly two years and a half yass between Act III and 
 the Epilogue 
 
EPILOGUE 
 
 Scene: The same. The room has been brightened by 
 the addition of feminine belongings, and gives evi- 
 dence that there is a mistress in the house. 
 
 »Time: Just before dinner on a summer evening. The 
 room is dimly lighted. The blind is up and the last 
 rays of the setting sun come through the window. 
 
 Discover Felix and Chesher in evening dress, as 
 if waiting for guests. Dakin is making the room 
 tidy, and turns up additional electric lights. 
 
 Felix. So Ella and I thought we'd give a little 
 dinner, and get them to shake hands and bury the 
 hatchet. 
 
 Chesher. Then you're friendly with the Bods- 
 worths? 
 
 Felix. My dear uncle, I'm member for Warkin- 
 stall, and I intend to remain member for Warkinstall, 
 so Ella and I are friendly with everybody. 
 [145] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Dakin [Going off]. I beg pardon, sir — shall I 
 throw it up a bit? 
 
 Felix. Throw what up? 
 
 Dakin [In a rather loud to7ie]. Sir Richard and 
 Lady Whichello. 
 
 Felix. No, Dakin, no. Keep that tone for 
 knighthoods. The higher the title the less it needs 
 throwing up. 
 
 Dakin. Yes, sir. [Exit. 
 
 Felix. Yes, Ella and I had been trying to bring 
 them together for months. 
 
 Chesher. Should have thought two years row- 
 ing would have satisfied any reasonable people. 
 
 Felix. It was Lady Bodsworth who held off. 
 Bodsworth is ready to make it up, because he and 
 Tadman are working Tariff Reform, and they want 
 Dick to join them in getting a stiff duty on leather, 
 goods out of the Tory leaders. 
 
 Chesher. What are Whichello's politics just 
 now? 
 
 Felix. Rather northwest southeast. Well, six 
 weeks ago, Lady Bodsworth fortunately had a motor 
 accident about twenty miles out. Dick and Mary 
 fortunately came by and picked her up and carried 
 her to the nearest inn. Dick and Mary had just 
 [146] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 got a note from the Prime Minister to say they were 
 to be included in the birthday honors. So Mary 
 was very kind; stayed with Lady Bodsworth all 
 night, and nursed her up rather more than she 
 wanted to be nursed. Now Mary has got the baro- 
 netcy, she feels rather friendly toward Lady Bods- 
 worth. 
 
 Chesher. There's nobody we like quite so much 
 as the enemy we have thoroughly downed. 
 
 Felix. Well, that paved the way for a reconcilia- 
 tion. But Ella had no end of a job to persuade Lady 
 Bodsworth to come to-night. However, she is 
 coming; 'and we are going to have a jolly little 
 family dinner party. That's why I invited you 
 down. You'll be in at the death. 
 
 Chesher. Doctor's chief function. 
 
 Enter Dakin, announcing Mr. ajid Mrs. Tadman. 
 Enter Tadman and Mrs. Tadman. Exit Dakin. 
 
 Felix [To IVIhs. Tadman]. How d'ye do? [Shak- 
 ing hands.] 
 
 Mrs. T. How d'ye do.? 
 
 Felix. My wife will be down directly. We were 
 late in getting back from the Petbury garden 
 party. 
 
 [147] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 [Chesher and Tadman have shaken hands_ 
 Mrs. Tadman shakes hands with Chesher.] 
 
 Felix. Tadman, how are you? 
 
 Tadman [Rosier, more shaky]. Never felt so well 
 in my life. 
 
 Felix. There's a bottle of your own port for you, 
 
 Tadman. Then I shall feel better still. 
 
 Felix. And you'll find a cocktail on that table. 
 [Pointing to window.] 
 
 Tadman. Thanks. [Helping himself to cocktail.] 
 
 Mrs. T. I'm so sorry the Bodsworths aren't com- 
 ing. 
 
 Felix [Taken aback]. Not coming? 
 
 Mrs. T. You haven't heard? 
 
 Felix. No, we're expecting them. 
 
 Mrs. T. Perhaps I oughtn't to have spoken. 
 
 Felix. Yes — please tell me. 
 
 Mrs. T. I was calling on Lady Bodsworth this 
 afternoon. She was very much upset. 
 
 Felix. What about? 
 
 Mrs. T. Sir Thomas and she were not invited to 
 the garden party at Petbury Park this afternoon. 
 
 Felix. I can't help that. There were only the 
 county people there. 
 
 Mrs. T. She feels it was a great slight, and she 
 [148] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 couldn't possibly dine with you under the circum- 
 stances. 
 
 Felix. But good heavens ! I can't tell Lady Pet- 
 bury whom to invite 
 
 Mrs. T. So I told her, but she wouldn't be per- 
 suaded. 1 left her writing a note to Mrs. Galpin, 
 asking you to excuse them. 
 
 Felix. Well, of all — it's really too bad 
 
 Tadman [Over his cocktail]. Never mind, Galpin! 
 If the dinner is up to your usual standard, we shall 
 get on very well without the Bodsworths. 
 
 Felix. But we're giving this dinner on purpose 
 to bring them and the Which ellos together again. 
 
 Chesher. Felix, my boy, you don't seem quite 
 to hit it off with your dinner parties. 
 
 Felix. And Lady Bods worth fixed the day her- 
 self — they might have sent us word to say they 
 weren't coming — it's too bad. 
 
 Tadman [Has been looking out of the window]. 
 Isn't that the Bodsworth motor just driven up? 
 
 Yes 
 
 [Mrs. Tadman and Chesher move toward 
 window.] 
 
 Mrs. T. Sir Thomas is getting out. 
 
 Felix. Is he alone? 
 
 f 149 1 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Tadman. No — there's Lady Bodsworth — he's 
 helping her out 
 
 Mrs. T. So they're coming after all. 
 
 Tadman. There's something the matter. 
 
 Mrs. T. Lady Bodsworth is crying. 
 
 Felix. I suppose we shall have a scene again. 
 
 Mrs, T. She is getting back into the motor. 
 
 Tadman. No, Sir Thomas won't let her. He's 
 arguing with her. 
 
 Mrs. T. Oh, yes, she is coming in. Let's hope it 
 will all pass off pleasantly. 
 
 [Mrs. Tadman, Chesher, and Felix come 
 away froTn the window.] 
 
 Felix. Uncle, I think Ella has arranged for you 
 to take her in. 
 
 Chesher. I scarcely feel equal to it. 
 
 Tadman [Has helped himself to another cocktail]. 
 Oh, give her a glass or two of Galpin's champagne to 
 start with. 
 
 Felix. And keep off the Whichello baronetcy. 
 And the Petbury garden party. 
 
 Mrs. T. Yes, and she's very touchy about — but, 
 perhaps I oughtn't to mention it 
 
 Felix. Oh, yes! Let's make her happy if we 
 can. What's she touchy about? 
 [1501 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mrs. T. Well, as you know, the last two years 
 since your dinner party everybody has been making 
 remarks about the way she does her hair, and it 
 makes her very sensitive. She had got a new trans- 
 formation for to-night, but Sir Thomas wouldn't let 
 her wear it. He insists that for the future she shall 
 wear her own hair. 
 
 Felix. Good Lord! What will she look like 
 now? 
 
 Mrs. T, Well, I told her it suited her beauti- 
 fully. 
 
 Felix. Oh! let's all tell her it suits her beau- 
 tifully. - 
 
 Mrs. T. No ! She's so fidgety, we'd better pre- 
 tend to take no notice. 
 
 Felix. Oh, let us all pretend anything — if it 
 will only keep her quiet. 
 
 Enter Dakin, announcing Sir Thomas Bodsworth. 
 Enter Sir Thomas. Dakin loaits, Felix ad- 
 vances to shake hands with Sir Thomas. 
 
 Felix. How d'ye do. Sir Thomas.'* We hope 
 Lady Bodsworth 
 
 Sir T. [Shaking hands]. Lady Bodsworth is over- 
 taken with the heat. She is in the morning-room. 
 [1511 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 She asked me to come up and leave her to recover 
 herself. Please don't take any notice. 
 
 Felix. We are so sorry 
 
 Sir T. It's nothing. She'll be here in a minute. 
 [Goes to Tadman, Mrs. Tadman, and Chesher, and 
 shakes hands with them.] 
 
 Felix. Dakin, will you send up to Mrs. Galpin 
 and say our guests are arriving. 
 
 Dakin. I beg pardon, sir, Mrs. Galpin was com- 
 ing downstairs, when she heard Lady Bodsworth 
 upsetting herself. She is now in the morning-room 
 pacifying Lady Bodsworth. 
 
 Felix. Oh, all right. 
 
 [Much perplexed, looking anxiously at his 
 watch. Exit Dakin.] 
 
 Tadman [Has been talking ivith Sir Thomas]. 
 We'll ask Galpin. [Comes up, cocktail in hand.] 
 Galpin, now we're all tiled in, and all friends, how 
 much did Whichello stump up for his baronetcy? 
 
 Felix \Warningly\. Shush-sh-sh-sh. Nobody 
 can say that he didn't richly deserve it. 
 
 Sir T. Oh, certainly. We are all delighted at 
 
 the honor, particularly Lady Bodsworth and myself. 
 
 Nobody who knows the burden of a title, the amount 
 
 of public duty it entails — and the subscriptions to 
 
 [152] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 charities, would envy those whom it pleases his 
 Majesty to select for the honor. 
 
 Chesher, My old fellow-student, Sir Robert 
 Latimore, got a baronetcy last year to please his 
 wife. Bob declares that if he hadn't been obliged to 
 work so hard for the title, he might have known 
 something about medicine. 
 
 Tadman. Now, between ourselves, Galpin, how 
 much did Whichello 
 
 Felix. [Warningly]. Shush-sh-sh! Shush-sh-sh! 
 , Tadman. We shall get him again, Galpin — we 
 shall get him again! 
 
 Felix.' Who? 
 
 Tadman. He's wobbling! He's wobbling! Bet 
 you a new hat we shall have him safe in the Tory 
 fold before he's a year older. 
 
 Lady Bodsworth enters, accompanied by Ella. 
 Lady Bodsworth is wearing her own hair, which 
 is gray-white and rather scanty. She is recovering 
 from a fit of crying, and has a little smudged her 
 complexion. Ella is comforting and supporting 
 her. 
 
 Ella. There! There! You're better now. [Tak- 
 ing her to sofa, — and seating her.] 
 [ 153 ] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Lady B. I do hope everybody will excuse me 
 [Weeping a little.] 
 
 Ella. Oh, yes. Sit there a minute. We'll leave 
 you to come round. 
 
 [Exchanges a look of comic distress toith Felix, 
 
 who goes to Lady Bodsworth and shakes 
 
 hands with her. Ella goes to Sir Thoivl\s 
 
 and the Tadmans, and shakes hands. Lady 
 
 Bodsworth remains on sofa weeping.] 
 
 Ella. How are you. Sir Thomas. [Shaking hands.] 
 
 Dear Mrs. Tadman. [Shaking hands.] Mr. Tadman, 
 
 how are you? [Shaking hands.] Uncle, so glad you 
 
 could run down. [Shaking hands with Chesher.] 
 
 You must please forgive me being late. We could 
 
 not get away from the Petbury garden party 
 
 [A little choking sob from Lady Bodsworth, 
 who sits on sofa. Tadman, Mrs. Tadman, 
 and Chesher admonish Ella to silence by 
 a look. Sir Thomas is vexed at Lady Bods- 
 worth's behavior, and frowns at her to be 
 quiet.] 
 Ella [Can't understand the mecining of the look the 
 Tadmans and Chesher have given her — goes on]. It 
 
 was such a jolly party 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth has another rather louder 
 [154] 
 
 i 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 choke. The Tadmans again admonish Ella 
 to silence by a look. Ella doesn't under- 
 stand. The Tadmans a7id Chesher draw 
 her a little aside and explain in dumb show. 
 Felix has tried to comfort Lady Bods- 
 worth.] 
 Lady B, [Between her sobs, to Felix]. You're very 
 kind, but I really think I'd better go home. 
 
 Sir T. [Sternly]. Nonsense! Nonsense! We have 
 come expressly to congratulate Sir Richard and 
 Lady Whichello upon the honor which it has pleased 
 his Majesty to confer upon them. [Goes to her and 
 argues. Felix is seen to be comforting her.] 
 
 Ella [To Tadmans and Chesher]. I see. I 
 won't mention the garden party. And there's an- 
 other thing. Sir Thomas has made her wear her own 
 hair, and she's fretting because she thinks it isn't 
 becoming. 
 
 Tadman. It's a good deal more becoming than — 
 Mrs. T. Shush — don't look at her — she'll 
 guess we're talking about it. 
 Tadman. Mum ! Mum ! 
 
 [He goes to table, puts down his second cock- 
 tail empty, hesitates whether he shall take a 
 third. Sir Thomas has frightened Lady 
 [155] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 BoDSWORTH into submission. Felix looks 
 impatiently at his watch and comes to 
 Ella.] 
 Ella [To Felix]. The dinner will be spoilt. 
 Lady B. [Plaintively, from sofa]. I suppose there 
 were a great many people at the garden party? 
 
 Felix. No. Just a few staunch Liberals like 
 myself. 
 
 Ella. Mary and Dick ought to be here 
 
 Enter Dakin, announcing Sir Richard and Lady 
 Whichello. Enter Mary and Dick. Exit Da- 
 kin. 
 
 Mary. My dear Ella, we're terribly late. Ah, 
 my dear Sir Thomas ! Now this is really good of you 
 [Shaking hands]. 
 
 Sir T. We are delighted to congratulate you and 
 Sir Richard 
 
 Mary. I'm sure you are [Stops at seeing 
 
 Lady Bodsworth, who, upon her entrance, has had a 
 renewed little fit of tears.] 
 
 Sir T. [In reply to an inquiring look from Mary]. 
 It's nothing — a little overtaken by the heat — 
 please take no notice. 
 
 Mary. You really must excuse us, Ella — the 
 [156] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Petburys would keep us till the last moment 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth has a louder choking sob — Tad- 
 man, Ella, Chesher, and Mrs. Tadman admonish 
 Mary by a look to keep quiet.] And as they were 
 giving the party in our honor — [Another look 
 from the group, which Mary doesn't understand] 
 — we felt bound to stay till the last moment. 
 [Another look from the group. To Ella.] What's 
 the matter? 
 
 [Ella whispers to Mary.] 
 
 Sir T. [Sternly to Lady Bodsworth]. Now, 
 Fanny, my dear, rouse yourself — and offer our sin- 
 cere congratulations to Sir Richard and Lady Which- 
 ello upon the honor which it has pleased his Maj- 
 esty 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth rises, still tearful, trie's to 
 speak, bursts into tears.] 
 
 Mary. Oh, never mind about the congratula- 
 tions. Dick and I are tired of them. [To Lady 
 Bodsworth.] Now this is very dear of you and Sir 
 Thomas. We're so glad to meet you again as old 
 friends [Shaking hands.] 
 
 Lady B. [Still tearful, nerving herself to speak.] 
 
 I'm sure we're delighted — delighted [Has a 
 
 renewed little fit of tears.] 
 
 [ 157 ] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary. Of course you are. And we shall see a 
 great deal of you, I hope. Lady Petbury sent you 
 such a sweet message. 
 LadyB. Did she? 
 
 Mary. Yes, she said; "How is our dear Lady 
 Bods worth? I must call and see her the first time 
 I'm in Warkinstall." 
 
 Lady B. I think she might have invited 
 
 [Sinking on the sofa in renewed sobs.] I do feel I've 
 been slighted. 
 
 Mary. No, no, no 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth continues sobbing. Mary 
 turns round with a gesture of helplessness to 
 the company.] 
 
 Lady B. I'm sorry to upset your party 
 
 Ella. Oh, don't mention it. [To Felix.] The 
 dinner's spoiling. 
 
 Sir T. [Sternly]. Fanny, this is unworthy the 
 dignity of our position. Even if we are not invited 
 to Petbury, we have still our rank in Warkinstall to 
 maintain. Remember that, and don't let me have 
 to blush for you. 
 
 [Mary goes to Lady Bodsworth, and is 
 seen to be fussing over her and comforting 
 her.] 
 
 [158] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Tadman. Oh, before I forget, Whichello, just put 
 that in your pocket and look at it when you get 
 home. [Giving paper.] 
 Dick. What is it.? 
 
 Tadman. My revised scheme of Tariff Reform. 
 I've eased a bit on bacon, and tightened on rubber 
 and mackintosh. 
 
 Dick. So long as the leather trade gets a look- 
 in 
 
 Tadman. Oh, it does. That's a water-tight 
 , scheme. I've sent it to the Party leaders. 
 Dick. Good! 
 Tadman. And we hope you'll attend the meeting 
 
 and say a few words 
 
 Dick. No, thank you. I've chucked politics. 
 Let everybody have everything he hollers for. Then 
 we shall all be happy. 
 
 [Mary has taken Lady Bodsworth apart, 
 and is comforting her.] 
 Lady B. You're quite sure it suits me? 
 Mary. Perfectly, perfectly. I've never seen 
 you look so charming. Don't change it in the 
 least. 
 
 [Ella has whispered to Sir Thomas and Tad- 
 man about their partners.] 
 [159] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Enter Dakin. 
 
 Dakin. Dinner is served, ma'am. [Exit Dakin. 
 
 Mary [ToLadyBodsworth], There! You feel 
 better now. 
 
 Lady B. [A little tearful still]. Yes, but 
 
 [Gulps. Ella comes up to Lady Bodsworth and 
 whispers to her.] 
 
 Lady B. [Discontentedly]. Oh, Mr. Tadman takes 
 me in 
 
 Felix [To Ella]. I thought my uncle 
 
 Chesher. Oh, I give way and come in on my 
 own. Mr. Tadman 
 
 [Tadman, after much hesitation, is just putting 
 his third cocktail to his lips, hurriedly puts 
 glass on table, and goes to Lady Bodsworth, 
 offers his arm.] 
 Tadman. Delighted. 
 
 [Lady Bodsworth shows hesitation.] 
 Ella. You'd prefer Dr. Chesher? 
 Lady B. No — I feel rather faint again. 
 
 [General consternation.] 
 Lady B. [Weeping copiously]. And I have been 
 so slighted. But sooner than make things unpleas- 
 ant, I feel I'd better go home. 
 [160] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Mary [Dropping Felix's arm, which she had 
 taken]. You take her in. [Felix demurs.] Yes, 
 do. It will please her. Lady Bodsworth, Mr. Gal- 
 pin will take you in. 
 
 Lady B. Oh, no. It wouldn't be proper. 
 
 Mary. Oh, there's nothing improper [Stops, 
 
 remembering the word.] I insist. Give her your arm, 
 Felix. 
 
 [Felix offers his arm to Lady Bodsworth.] 
 Lady B. Oh, no, it would be a breach of eti- 
 quette. 
 
 Marx. Etiquette? This is just a little family 
 dinnerparty. [To Felix.] Take her in. 
 
 Felix. Now, Lady Bodsworth 
 
 Lady B. No, please. I couldn't dream of going 
 in before Lady Whichello — especially now she has 
 
 been created 
 
 [The thought causes a renewed fit of tears. 
 Felix turns in despair to Ella.] 
 Ella. Oh, take her, take her ! 
 
 [Tadman manages to get to the table and takes 
 
 a sly sip of his third cocktail. Felix goes 
 
 again to Lady Bodsworth and offers arm.] 
 
 Lady B. Oh, no — it's very kind — but I couldn't 
 
 — no, really. 
 
 [161] 
 
MARY GOES FIRST 
 
 Felix, Dear Lady Bodsworth, whom would you 
 like to take you in? 
 
 Lady B. I'm sure I don't mind — don't think of 
 
 me 
 
 Mary. What does it matter? We shan't get any 
 dinner. I'll take you in! [Taking Lady Bods- 
 worth's arm.] Come along — Fanny ! 
 
 [Taking her to door. The door is too narrow 
 for them to go out together. They stand 
 there, each of them making way for the other, 
 and motioning each other to go first. Mary 
 resolutely takes Lady Bodsworth's arm and 
 drags her off.] 
 
 curtain. 
 
 [162] 
 
NOTE 
 
 [The author is threatened with an action 
 for libel if he publishes this comedy without 
 revising it in form that will be acceptable 
 to Mr. George Whichelow of Bermondsey. 
 The author wishes to state that until the 
 production of the play he was unaware of 
 the existence of Mr. George Whichelow. 
 He regrets if he has inadvertently given any 
 annoyance to that gentleman, but is quite 
 unable to understand the reason for that 
 annoyance. It is obvious that if Mr. George 
 Whicheiow's claim to revise this play is not 
 resisted, every author of a novel or a play 
 will in future be liable to a costly legal ac- 
 tion from any person who happens to have, 
 a similar name or trade to any one of the 
 characters in his work.] 
 
 It may be interesting to the American reader to 
 know that the action for libel was never brought 
 against Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, as it was found that 
 the plaintiff had no case. _ The Publishers. 
 
 163 
 
THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESS 
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