Bill Jones. DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, NEW YORK. $$$$$$$$$S$$S$$$$$$$$$$$3$$$$S$$$$$$SS$$S$$$$$$ PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH v CRANFOED DAMES. 2 Scenes; \y 2 hours 8 GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 CHEERFUL COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; SO minutes 4 MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; \y A hours 6 MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; V/ x hours 4 SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; 1 hour 8 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 30 PRINCESS KIKU. (35 cents) 13 RAINBOW KIMONA. (25 cents.) 2 Acts; \y Q hours 9 MERRY OLD MAIDS. (25 cents.) Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY \5 CENTS EACH M APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 3 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 6 DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WANTED, \ MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 7 NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; 1}4 hours DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N Y BILL JONES a Duoioaue BY WILLIAM AND JOSEPHINE GILES AUTHORS OF UNCLE Sl'S PREDICAMENT, HOOSIER SCHOOL, A BACHELOR* ELOPEMEKT, RUBE'S FAMILY, ETC. Copyright, 1914, by DICK & FITZGERALD NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD 18 Ann Street BILL JONES. .* m* G^ 1 <* €\ CHARACTERS. Mrs. Jones A slovenly housewife Miss Hill A cashier Child Off stage Time. — The present. Locality. — Anywhere. Time of Playing. — About twenty minutes. Costumes and Characteristics. Mrs. Jones. A woman of about 30. Wears a house dress and kitchen apron, rather careless in appearance. Miss Hill. A young working girl of about 20. Flashy, but cheaply dressed ; suit, hat and gloves. Incidental Properties. Cheap looking hat with common silk ribbons on it. Stage Directions- As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, r. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; d. r., door at right; d. l., door at left, up means toward back of stage ; down, toward footlights. TMP96-006432 fln §)JCLD 374 82 » -> 1914 ,w,, BILL JONES SCENE. — A poorly furnished living-room in Bill Jones' home. Door at right of a, window left of c. Door at l. Table in c, chair at r. and l. of table. DISCOVERED Mrs. Jones working around the room. Mrs. Jones (goes to window, calls). Mary, stop that quar- reling and mind the baby. (Goes down c.) Drat them young uns, it seems as though all they think about is fightin'. Child (off stage). Ma — oh — Ma — Jimmie's hittin' me. Mrs. Jones (goes back to window). Jimmie Jones, do you want me to bring you in here and spank the life out of you? Child (off stage). She hit me first. Mrs. Jones. Now stop that sass. Pete, didn't I tell you to go down along the track and pick me up a bucket of coal? Now you get a move on. (Knock heard at d. r. c. Mrs. Jones jumps) Good Lord! I hope that ain't another of them col- lectors. ( Opens d. r. c. Miss Hill stands in doorway, and Mrs. Jones waits for her to speak) Miss Hill. Is this Mrs. Jones? Mrs. Jones. Yes ma'm. (Wipes face on her apron) Miss Hill. I want to see you, Mrs. Jones, I have something to tell you. Mrs. Jones. All right, ma'am, come on in. I ain't got much of a place here ter intertain company, but I guess you can stand it awhile. (ENTER Miss Hill. Mrs. Jones places a chair for her) Will you sit down? Miss Hill (sits down R. of table). I suppose you'll think it funny in me coming here to see you, Mrs. Jones, but I thought somebody ought to tell you how your husband has been a- carryin' on. Mrs. Jones (excitedly). What's that your sayin' ? Are 3 a Bill Jones yer from the store? He ain't lost his job, has he? (Sits l. of table) Miss Hill. Oh, no, it ain't that, it's a heap worse. I guess his job's all right. Mrs. Jones (becoming calm and losing her curiosity). Well, that's all right then, but what's he been doin'? Miss Hill (hesitatingly). Perhaps I oughtn't to tell you, but I think you ought to know. Mrs. Jones. Lord a mighty, I don't care, so long's he ain't lost his job. Go on, how's he been a'carryin' on? Miss Hill (hesitating). Why — why — it's — a — woman. Mrs. Jones (laughs). Well, what do you know about that! Bill Jones gettin' mixed up with a woman ! My goodness, who is it now, anybody you know? It can't be a friend of yours, can it? Miss Hill (faltering). It's — it's — me Mrs. Jones (laughs). Well, for the love of Mike! Bill Jones gettin' mixed up with a clerk in a grocery store. Who'll be the next? Miss Hill. I ain't no clerk. I'm the cashier. Mrs. Jones. That's so, well that's not so bad. But how'd you ever come to get in with Bill? I s'pose girls that have to work out gets mixed up with everybody. But Bill Jones, that's the limit. Miss Hill. I don't have to work out. I just do it because I get tired of loafin' around the house. Mrs. Jones. Oh, that's what they all say. I never saw a girl yet that had to work out. I know you've got a swell place. It's got to be if Bill Jones works there. Miss Hill. I could get a better place, only Bill don't want me to leave the store. Mrs. Jones. Oh, I see, that sounds like Bill all right. Bill's the original mud baby for gettin' mixed up in things. Miss Hill. The reason I came — I thought if I could tell you Mrs. Jones. Oh, I know it all right. Bill's been primpin' and fixin' himself up to beat the band lately; that's a sure sign that he's got a new one. One can easily tell when Bill's got something on the string. (Goes to ivindow. Calls) Betsy, you get in your own yard and let them dago kids alone. (Goes back to table) Yes, it was awful kind of you Miss — Miss — what's your — name — comin' all the way down here to tell me about Bill. Miss Hill. Miss Hill is my name. Bill Jones - Mrs. Jones. Yes, yes. Well, Miss Hill, as I was sayin' Miss Hill. You see, Mrs. Jones, we are just crazy about each other, and we — I — me — he wants us to get — married. Mrs. Jones. That's Bill all right. He asked me to marry him the first time I met him. But land of livin', why don't you go ahead and get married, what's hinderin' you? Miss Hill. Well, you know, Mrs. Jones, Bill can't get a divorce. The law ain't got no heart, it would be on your side. Now you could get a divorce. Mrs. Jones. Did you and Bill make this stunt up, and he got you to come down here and pull it off to me? Miss Hill. No, no. Bill didn't even know I was coming. Mrs. Jones. Well, what'd you come for, to get acquainted with the family? Miss Hill. You see it's this way, Mrs. Jones. Bill's just crazy about me, he can't hardly stay away from me long enough to do his work. Mrs. Jones. That son-of-a-gun. But Bill Jones better not lose his job. Miss Hill. So I thought may be if you knew Bill loved me and didn't love you any more Mrs. Jones (easily). Oh, I knew that all right, there ain't no love lost between Bill and me. Miss Hill. And I thought if you knew he loved me, you might leave him. I wouldn't want to live with a man who did not love me, and did care for some one else. Mrs. Jones. The Lord be praised! That don't make any difference. Love don't count these days any more. You've been readin' Laura Jean Libbey, huh, she's a back number now. Don't kid yourself, young lady. After the knot is tied the little God, love, soon fades away. Bill Jones and me ain't had much use for each other for some time now. Miss Hill. Why do you live with him then? Mrs. Jones (waving hand around the room). For the grand, up-to-date way he supports me and the kids. Miss Hill. I would rather work out than live with a man who did not care for me. I'd be independent and earn my livin'. Mrs. Jones. Oh, I earn all I get from Bill Jones. Do you think I'd live this way if it wasn't for the kids, six of them in eight years. (Miss Hill starts, looks around) So you want Bill. Men must be at a premium, they didn't come so high when I was a girl. 6 Bill Jones Miss Hill. But you see, Mrs. Jones, Bill and I love each other so, I can't be happy without him. Mrs. Jones. Well, I'm mighty sure you can't be happy with him. Miss Hill. You don't understand Bill. Mrs. Jones. No, I guess I don't understand Bill. Miss Hill. Oh, Mrs. Jones, get a divorce. Bill and I could be so happy if we only had a chance. Mrs. Jones. Huh, you'll get a fat chance when you get Bill. Miss Hill. Oh, leave Bill, and let me have him. Mrs. Jones. Will you take the kids too? Bill Jones must look after his kids, I could work out as you say, but not with six kids on my shoulders. I ain't got anybody to leave them with. Miss Hill. There are lots of places you could leave them — day nurseries Mrs. Jones. Nothing like that in my family, not while Bill Jones can hold down a job. But did Bill ever tell you much about himself? Miss Hill. Not much. We have been to the park a few times together, but Bill's always busy telling me how much he cares for me, and planning what we'll do as soon as we find a way to get married. Mrs. Jones. Oh, yes, I remember Bill always was long on that sort of stuff, and the park is some shady spot ; of course you mean you was there in the day time, oh, it's a great place to spiel it out, you forget about yesterday and never think of to-morrow. (Goes to window, calls) Didn't I tell you young uns to get away from those dago kids. Come in your own yard and shut that gate. (Sits down again at l. of table) Well, as you're thinkin' of marryin' Bill, you ought to know something about him. Miss Hill (nods). Yes. Mrs. Jones. Well, when I first met Bill Jones he was a swell guy all right, had a good job, and how he dressed, — no cheap hand-me-down for Bill in those days. I was a forelady in a big department store, and had some swell rags. I remember there was a little fat Dutchman that kinder hung around after me then. I used to make fun of him and call him sourkrout ; he wanted me awful bad. But when I turned him down he married my chum, Bessie, and say, she's got one of the finest homes in the town now. Just went past here yesterday in her new electric. Believe me, I see the mistake I made. I married my swell friend William, and you see what I got. When I married Bill Jones - Bill I thought that I would be an ornament and set on the mantel. Bill ain't like the swell guy he was in those days, he don't fix up only when he thinks he's in love with some girl. Miss Hill. I should think you would be awful jealous of Bill. Mbs. Jones (laughs). Jealous of Bill! Say, you don't know him. Why, there ain't enough of him to be jealous of. He ain't mean, he's just soft. There ain't no backbone to him. If there was he wouldn't be where he is to-day, he wouldn't be drivin' a grocery wagon at ten dollars a week, and six kids to support. Ten dollars a week and six kids. Say, girl, do you want to get in my fix? That's a pretty swell hat you've got on, let me show you mine. (EXIT d. l., and returns with a very cheap, dowdy-looking hat, with cheap trimmings on it) Here, do you see this? It's a hat. Bill said it was a hat, I got it from the five and ten cent store. I got the frame and trimmed it myself; ain't it swell? This is silk ribbon on it. I thought may be you wouldn't recognize it. Now you can see what I got and what you'll get when you get Bill. If it wasn't for the kids you would be welcome to Bill. Miss Hill (rising, draws on her gloves, goes to d. r., turns). I'm glad I came. I am sorry for you. Mrs. Jones. Oh, never mind me, think of Bill. (Goes to d. r. c.) Miss Hill. I don't believe I want Bill Jones. [EXIT d. r. c. Mrs. Jones (closes door after her, sits in chair) No, I don't believe she wants Bill Jones. CURTAIN. NEW PLAYS PEREGRINATIONS OF POLLY, The. :;~«ts. a comedietta in i act, by Helen P. Kane. 3 female characters. 1 plain interior scene. Time, about 45 minutes. Polly and Margaret, bachelor maids, being invited to attend a musicale, determine to exchange escorts. The result may not have been such as was intended, but certainly was one to have been expected. The dialogue throughout is brilliant and snappy, the action quick, thus ensuring a success for this bright sketch. RELATIONS. 15 cents. A farcical skit in i act, by George M. Rosener. 3 male, i female character. i interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. An inimit- able sketch full of rapid repartee and rollicking "situations." Billie is a whole team in himself ; his uncle and brother-in-law force the fun, but Billie comes out on top. The action is unflagging and irresistibly funny. RAPS. 15 cents. ^ A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Eleanor Maud Crane. t male characters. 1 interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. An exceedingly bright dialogue between an Irish carpenter and a slightly intoxicated gilded youth. Fullof "patter" and "get backs." WARDROBE OF THE KING, The. i S cents, a burlesque in I act, by William J. McKiernan. 7 male, 1 female (played by male) character. 1 exterior scene. Time, 1 hour. Costumes grotesque and fantastic. An amusing bur- lesque for boys, easily produced, full of bright situations, and sure to make a hit. The play may be staged very simply, or made as elaborate as the producer sees fit. Be- sides the eight speaking parts, the company of officers, suite of the King and Queen, etc., may utilize any number of persons. By the introduction of specialties the time of the play can be considerably lengthened. ROYAL CINCH, A. 25 cents. A farce comedy in 3 acts, by Frank H. Bernard. 2 male, 3 female characters. 1 interior, 1 exterior scene. Time, i 1 ^ hours. A fantastic comedy, simple in plot, but cunningly contrived and cumulative in its development. The darkey waiter and the pert housemaid are surpassingly comical parts. HOOSIER SCHOOL, The. 15 cents. A farcical sketch in 1 act, by William and Josephine Giles. 5 males, 5 females, 4 of whom can be boys and 4 girls. 1 interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. A realistic picture of a district school in a small Western village. The rough and ready teacher and his tricky scholars keep the audience in a roar. The teacher is finally squelched by the irate mother of one of his pupils. The piece is cleverly worked out and full of funny incidents. SCRUBTOWN SEWING CIRCLE'S THANKSGIVING, The. H5 cents. An old ladies 1 sociable, by Maude L. Hall. 6 female characters. 1 in- terior scene. Time, 35 minutes. A characteristic entertainment in which, among other interesting incidents, each of the old ladies gives her reasons for thankfulness. An all star study of character with an unusual send off. DOLLY'S DOUBLE. 15 cents. A musical vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Charles Stuart, i male and 1 female character assuming two parts. 1 interior scene. Time, 20 minutes. An exceedingly humorous conception, bright, catchy and original, leading through several stages to a clever climax. JOHN'S EMMY. 15 cents. A vaudeville sketch in one act, by Charles Stuart, i male, i female character, i interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. A methodical old bookworm awaits a young girl who is to be his ward. An entirely different girl arrives, who summarily subjugates him. The action is rapid, crisp, and full of comicalities. A capital character study for both performers. TOM COBB ; Of Fortune's Toy. 1 5 cents. Farcical comedy in 3 acts, by W. S. Gilbert. 6 male, 4 female characters. Time, i l /d hours. Modern costumes. Tom Cobb, at the instigation of his friend, Whipple, pretends to be dead in order to escape his creditors. He makes a will and leaves everything to Matilda, daughter of Col. O' Fif>/>, in whose house he has been lodging. Tom is unexpectedly left a fortune, which is taken possession of by the Colonel, and Tom has great difficulty in recovering it. 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