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THE HASH HOUSE, HASHVILLK. 
 
OUR 
 
 AMERICAN HASH: 
 
 A SATIRE.. 
 
 IN PROSE AND VERSE: 
 
 By JOHN M. DAGNALL, 
 
 AUTHOR OF SEVERAL EPIC, AND OTHER LYRICAL, NATIONAL, AND 
 NARRATIVE POEMS. 
 
 ILLUSTF^ATED 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR, 
 
 1880. 
 
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1880, by 
 
 JOHN M. DAGNALL, 
 
 III th« Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C» 
 
 r 
 
 ELF.OTTtOTTPED BY VINCENT DILL, 
 25 & 27 i<EW CHAMBERS ST., NEW TORK. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 The following racy, warm, piquant, pithy, lofty, sententious, slashing, 
 quaint, discursive, versatile, prosaic pointed periods and rhythmical 
 stanzas, form the discourse of an artist, Quill Chromo, who, one day 
 while he sat sketching in a glen, metes out to us, in prose and metre, 
 his thoughts and feelings as the result of the way by which he sacri- 
 iiced his dignity to the delectable luxury of Hash. But logically, if 
 it had not been for the miseries of indigestion, self-inflicted by his own 
 mouth, the reader would not have had the pleasure of reading his 
 versified description of feasting on the peculiar substance known as 
 Hash, of which he was so abundantly supplied the first day at his 
 boarding-house in the village of Hashvilie. 
 
 The fastidious may say, after reading his remarkable remarks on 
 the repast, that the Hash made him feel a /eei\e too sensitive in giving 
 vent to his pent-up feelings in such a ludicrous style of satire. 
 
 The idea may enter the mind of a clergyman who may smile seri- 
 ously at such a substance as Hash being so animating in its effects as 
 to inspire monologues on the nature and dignity of man, and perhaps, 
 wonder at the same time why it wouldn't answer equally as well as 
 brain food for the production of sermons. 
 
 The politician may snarl at the impropriety of his allusions to them 
 and their doings, and put him down, not only as an eater of Hash, but 
 also as a political rhinoceros, a trifle too savage, perhaps, and eager to 
 reform abuses in our American political system of government, and 
 wonder at the same time why he has made politics a leading idea 
 through half the satire. 
 
 But generally the reading public will set him down simply as a 
 conscientious satirist of corrupt national aftairs ; and many who can 
 forejudge the future of the nation may say : "Although ridicule flows 
 freely throughout his details on Hash, the hero, you will find, is grave 
 and serious enough, giving us information and thoughts upon our 
 social and political condition most worthy to be considered." 
 
 The proprietors of boarding-houses may want to know what right 
 the author had to hurt their feelings with his impertinent remarks on 
 profitable Hash. 
 
 Now, to any of his readers who may feel their gastronomies irritated 
 from swallowing the allusions of the subject matter of Hash, herein 
 dished up to them, the author off"ers them his tendftr regards as a 
 consoler for their sensibilities being so easily touched at every sup- 
 posable incident they may fancy refers to them. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PART I. FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 Remembering the Feast — Hash and Life — Without Blood 
 
 Without Life — Stink Weed — The Victim of Slow Death 
 
 — A New Deception — The Tender Repast — Hash and 
 Bristles — Hash and Hairs — Her Boarders eat Hash 
 AND talk Beef — Hash and Smiles — The Lady Keeper of 
 the Hash House — A Single Meal, 7 
 
 PART II. EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 Hash on Chinaware Plates — Waiting on the Ladies — 
 Invited to a Party — The Party at Hashville — The Flir- 
 ■ — TATiON — Hop-Light- Loo ! — Gone as a Cloud — A Romping 
 Moll, 23 
 
 PART III. THREE ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 Advice — A Seductive Meaty Compound — Hash and Beef Com- 
 pared — Hash, Art and Genius — Laws for Hash Makers, . 45 
 
 PART IV. TEN ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 Hash the Poet's Enemy — Hash and Life Insurance — Hash as 
 a Reformer — Hash and Freedom — Hash and the Consti- 
 tution — Tyranny for Freemen — Hash attacking a Pluck — 
 The Hash Regulation's Tall Talk — The Hash Beetle — 
 Hash a Demoralizer — The Song of Unistasia — Hash rules 
 the Land, 54 
 
 PART V. TWO ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 In the Game of Life who Wins ? Beef or Hash ? — The Hash 
 Fossil — -The Secret of the Fossil — The Epicticus-ootus — 
 The Mystic Wonder — Hash a Vile Despot, ..... 79 
 
 PART VI. FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 In the Mouth of Columbia — Book Pirate, the Brain Can- 
 nibal — Hash Laws and Trash Frauds — Hash on an Itching 
 Palm — Un^tasia's Song of the Ship — Words to sterner 
 Music set — Columbia's Rebuke — Quill Chromo's Oration — 
 Columbia in Tears — Painted and Framed, 86 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 PART I . 
 
 REMEMBERING THE FEAST. 
 
 «£3I^ 
 
 S eating is a duty 
 -.^^^ of our existence, we 
 should be particular both 
 as to the quality and quan- 
 tity of the substance parta- 
 ken of It is of the utmost 
 digestible importance, in 
 order to make every part of 
 the human machine work 
 harmoniously ; for, as we 
 are of the blood — the sub- 
 ject — it therefore deserves 
 our special scrutiny to know 
 from what sort of ingre- 
 dients the blood should be 
 made. Water and gross 
 food must not be called 
 blood-makers. To be wise 
 is to be happy on that 
 point — the formation of 
 pure blood in the veins. 
 Therefore, as eating is a 
 pleasure, and man's blood 
 the life, we should supply 
 the natural want of it from 
 sources of the best mate- 
 rials, namely : fish, vegeta- 
 bles, flesh, fowl and wheat. 
 Now, Hash considered 
 in all its forms, looked at 
 from every side, closely ex- 
 amined, magnified, turned 
 over-and-over on your plate, 
 should never gain your ap- 
 proval as a blood nourisher ; 
 it is not a vein replenisher ; 
 it can't make parchment for your exterior, nor flesh for your interior 
 man : therefore, I would advise its savory unction to be snift up the 
 nose, so that it may there, in your snuff'-taker, act as a stimulant 
 
8 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 only; operating thus, as a volatile, nasal sauce, may gain -for it 
 some' renown as an appetizer for eatables of the real blood-making 
 kind. But if your stomach should desire to be intimate with Hash, 
 let it be taken in small portions — an ounce of it about once a month — 
 the first thing in the morning after getting out of bed. Then take a 
 good brisk walk in the suburbs for country contemplation, so as to 
 divert your mind from thinking of the greasy, bilious burden in your 
 stomach, where, it being freighted, you may groan like a brig ballasted 
 with railroad iron in a storm ; you may find it all that your stomach 
 needs on that day to chymify. It will fill your mind with thousands 
 of ideas, and cause them to fly from the crucible of your hot cranium, 
 like sparks from a horseshoer's anvil. This accounts for mine being so 
 luminous and unique this morning. They arise from Hash— clear and 
 distinct— not the Hash, but the ideas. What pleasantry, to be sure ! 
 Who would think that the frequent taste of Hash, having pass'd from 
 my mouth, could now make my mind so lively .? Yes ; although the 
 flavor of Hash is gone from my jaws, yet, the self-same jaws can t 
 quit the savory theme. I, so joyous in my raillery, just think of it !— 
 I, so poor in purse, and yet so rich in agreeable sensations ! Many 
 a person with more money, would envy my good feelings ; aye, buy 
 up all the Hash in town to make a corner in it, as the speculator says, 
 if they thought it would produce the same lively sensations in others, 
 as its nourishing presence does in my own stomach. He knows it is 
 the thing now-a-days to say: "Assist me ; help me to some more; 
 Tm in want of it." For the greedy seldom say — enough; it is a 
 word, their gluttony has never taught them to utter. Oh, how ex- 
 hilarated ! how happy I feel with myself! so light! so spiriiuel ! As 
 buoyant as a fleecy gossamer, my nature is now in a state of flight; I 
 feel the fledged poetic bird Avithin me thus inclined to sing : 
 
 Just think of it — an artist at a table. 
 
 With no other substance on it, but Hash ; 
 
 Lumpy, fat, and disagreeable. 
 
 With here and there a hair mixed in the mash. 
 
 Better had I stayed in bed and slept 
 
 Upon an empty stomach, -than awakened 
 For breakfast, consisting of Hash, which kept 
 
 Urging me to it, down stairs, to wend. 
 
 Its savory smell, my nose would ne'er have known. 
 Nor my palate have tickled with flavor appetizing ; 
 
 No fine Hash have swallowed — minus a bone — 
 My throat, on greasy lumps, got gormandizing. 
 
 I should have refused it, and set aside 
 
 The plate before me, put there hot and smoking, 
 
 And to the servant, opened out my eyes quite wide, 
 Hearing her tongue at me, then joking. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 
 Am M 
 
 
 \ 
 
 .,'V\r, 
 
 ^\^^\ 
 
 
 "The Hash is nicely cooked this morning, sir 
 
 Smell how rich the odors from it rise ; 
 One plateful will but grease your lips, I'm sure, 
 
 While two of it will tend to make you wise." 
 
 Had I then known the merit of saying ''no, 
 
 Phoebe Jane, I dont like the article you name ;' 
 
 Got up from my chair, and said: " no more for me, I go,' 
 Perhaps I should not now, the viand' blame. 
 
 But, the girls so easily do on me impose ; 
 
 They induce me to take things they alone choose 
 As practical jokes, my patience for to lose. 
 
 At their sly tricks, which doth them much amuse. 
 
 HASH AND LIFE. 
 
 But, I blame myself for letting them operate on my credulity. 
 Just fancy, me in the maturity of my years, so calm, and given much 
 to reflection, on the nature of things generally, having accepted the 
 savory invite of Hash, without investigating the properties of it, and 
 its adaptability to my innate being as an article of food. But, as the 
 days are not alike, and food not all the same, perhaps I ought not 
 to wonder at the change in my feelings lately brought on by the use 
 of Hash, whose savory juices, even now thinking of it, waters my 
 
10 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 teeth, and seems to have soured my natural sweetness of disposition. 
 Perhaps if it had not been served up on an ornamental plate — an 
 earthernware plate, adorned with a bit of Chinese landscape, so flatter- 
 tering to my own artistic proclivities, I would not have responded so 
 readily to the unctuous invitation ofHash. But what ear could resist 
 such music? It was the Hash tune that established a mutual friend- 
 ship between me and it — those sonorous linky lumps, whose fatty 
 carbon points vibrated telephonic invitations from Hash. But it 
 sent forth its savory smell to my room a long time before I came 
 down stairs to the break fast- table, upon which it steamed, piping hot, 
 invitingly there for the voluntary exercise of my jaws. 
 
 Yes, its smell was the prospectus which informed me what my 
 appetite was to indulge in. Now, if I had done the eating of it 
 afterward, as well as in advance of my presence at the table where 
 I calculated my capacity for stowing it away while eating it with the 
 gravity of a parson at a wedding, I would not now feel, as I do, thus 
 disposed to complain. No ; I should have resisted the substance 
 most solid. Yes ; when it was presented to me, I should have com- 
 plained of having no appetite. He is oft made poor who has more 
 confidence than wisdom, and he is oft made sick who has too much 
 confidence in the purity of his food. 
 
 The fact is, I ought to have been late at the table, just when each 
 one of the other boarders were taking a third plateful of it, and leaving 
 but a remnant of its presence on the dish. I would then have come in 
 for some of it at the small particle end of little bits here and there — just 
 enough of it scattered about the dish so as to save it from the empty 
 disgrace of "no more Hash this morning, sir, you're too late." In that 
 case regret for the disappearance of the nourisher, would have been a 
 pleasure ; my grief would now have turned to joy, for the dear absent 
 one — fair Hashana — far, far away from my sight — gone— perhaps to 
 Jericho. But my eyes were bright, and my heart felt glad ; in fine, 
 I rejoiced I was among other ladies and gents, who were at the table 
 long in advance of me, with their eating jaws playing the Hash drama. 
 This, too, was the signal for me to play my part. 
 
 Giving it the credit of depriving me 
 
 Of health, of art-work infallible, 
 Which it, so far, has done quite easily, 
 
 In spite of my health-rules, hygienical. 
 
 Who will pay the doctor if it makes me sick } 
 
 Now this question comes quite useful ; 
 Without money, he might leave me quick. 
 
 And my jaws receive of physic ne'er a toothful. 
 
 No money, emetics warm to buy. 
 
 My stomach for to free from Hash entire ; 
 
 But down in bed quite painful I might lie, 
 Till Hash and life together there expire 1 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASP. H 
 
 "WITHOUT BLOOD, WITHOUT LIFE." 
 
 Now, I being a being, one of the vast universe, a being composed of 
 mind and matter, and deriving my blood from the products of earth, 
 must cautiously here admit, that since my blood has been deprived 
 of one of its essential constituents of strength — beef — I feel myself 
 altered, considerably modified, my vitality reduced, some of my 
 wonted power gone. Now, I'd like to know what right had the 
 Hash-tempter to make me weak — me, a human being naturally strong. 
 It isn't fair, it's wicked ; it's an injustice to the being itself, almost a 
 grave injustice thus to try and blunt with heavy Hash all its faculties acute. 
 This outrage to my physical nature deserves my just resentment. Against 
 wrong, vengeance in a generous heart is heroism exalted ; hence, I 
 now burn with a desire to avenge the injury. But, it isn't always wise to 
 resent with blows from the bare knuckles. Balls made of Hash ought 
 to be the weapons with which to make the attack. With these I might 
 win the battle ; but I fear my name would live in the criminal calendar 
 as an assaulter and batterer. No, I'll shun, but pardon not the offender 
 for depriving me of nutritious substance, then I shall, in my own 
 honor, triumph over myself Safety lies where one looks toward 
 himself; anger is often its own worst enemy, therefore I pardon thj 
 imprudence. Hash-tempter, for thus making the son of an honorabk 
 man — whose soul before he came here was the pride of courage, raiseo 
 up to dignity in art and thought — now feel that he need not hope foi 
 fame in art, as talent, being hash-fed, only pretends, while genius win: 
 the world's ear, when on beef and mutton fed. 
 
 Would you know that while the mind teaches, the tongue inform, 
 that a man's success in life depends upon his health ; hence, whe>» 
 I get my strength back again, I shall be more sparing of it. 
 
 "Without Blood — -Without Life," is the Divine Law, Now, aw 
 my action of being commenced when I was quite young, and I ytt 
 living on earth with all my faculties fully matured, I still desire to work 
 inside of the enveloping folds of the outer cuticle. I want all the 
 faculties of my mental and physical machinery to obey the dictates of 
 my mind, and I want my instincts preserved and reasonably exercised ; 
 with my life these were given to me to take care of, therefore, I don't 
 want the life containing these appetites and desires starved half-way on 
 its course. No, I must live ; I can't renounce the world yet awhile. 
 He lives long who does not feed on Hash, more particularly not in 
 Hashville. In searching for pleasure we often find disgust. Just my 
 luck in coming here. It does seem to me, though, that Hashville 
 wants my faculties to cease working, yes, wants me to stop exercising 
 those faculties — wants me not to do the work that fate hath assigned to 
 me. Just think of it, my stomach deprived of digestive material I 
 my blood getting no substance fit to make me feel as strong as a 
 healthy human being should do in Hashville ! It was only yesterday 
 that I was motionless and sad nearly all day on the bank of the 
 river, spiritless, having no zest for art sketching. 
 
i ^ OliR AMERICAN HASH 
 
 STINK WEED. 
 
 If you'd ask me the cause of my sorrow, 
 And why I from life so much miser\- borrow, 
 
 When not having for it any real need, 
 I would tell you the cause of it came from 
 
 Smelling the odor of foul stink weed. 
 
 If you'd ask me, was there a thorn in my breast 
 Penetrant that did sharply extend 
 
 Through the rose of my heart, making it bleed, 
 I'd say no, in a phrase not having the best 
 
 Of smells to its name, that of foul stink weed. 
 
 You can believe what I tell you about the sad spell 
 That held me fast down to the bank 
 
 Where no floweret in growth could succeed 
 To gain the art of the perfuming smell, 
 
 The truth is it came from foul stink weed. 
 
 Rank as it is, and strong in its power. 
 
 It took all the cheerfulness out of my heart 
 
 When for it there wasn't the least need 
 Of my nose there fully an hour 
 
 Up snuffing a bouquet of rank stink weed. 
 
 Better the charm of smelling wild flowers 
 
 By the lane-side, fence-rail and hedgerow found, 
 
 Or the odor of garlic which doth far exceed. 
 While it adorns the loveliest of bowers. 
 
 The most fragrant buds of rank stink weed. 
 
 'Twas breathing of this that stifled my song, 
 It took all the brightness out of my life 
 
 That glowed with art's lustre here on the mead. 
 Ere the rapture was deaden'd by the rank wrong 
 
 Of smelling the odor of foul stink weed. 
 
 Melancholy, sometimes, may act as a friend 
 Imparting philosophy unto the mind ; 
 
 But if we in fame and wealth hope to succeed 
 We must from foul stramonium wend. 
 
 Or demoralised be, smelling stink weed. 
 
OUR AMElllCAX HASH. 13 
 
 THE VICTOr OF SLOW DEATH. 
 
 Now, again to-day, I feel my soul is taking its sad way to Hadis ; 
 and this low condition of my spirits has been brought on by food more 
 or less improper for my bodily and mental strength ; no energy, no 
 action, but feeling my life gradually leaving my body and mind in the 
 manner that some wardens have done in prisons to incarcerated victims 
 of put-up jobs of arrest, so that when in durance they must undergo 
 the process of slow starvation, cruel torments of the shower-bath, the 
 lash, the thumb-screw, and the black-hole, till death relieves them from 
 the torments of their official murderers, who sleek these prison murders 
 over with pleas of heart-disease, etc. 
 
 Now, are my living powers and earthly intelligence to be taken from 
 me in a similar manner here outside.? Am I a dupe of one or more 
 of these merciless prison, political thugs (in covert as yet) who may 
 be now operating for, and conniving with some medical vampires, who 
 want dead bodies to cut up inside of dissecting-rooms. It seems so ; 
 but what have I done at Hashvijle, that must i\eeds mark me out as a 
 victim 0/ slow death, by surfeiting on Hash } I've done nothing wron"-, 
 whatever, to a living creature in the village. As the prisoner thinks 
 of acquittal before the trial commences, do let me go. True, chastise- 
 ment follows the misdeed, but mine was simply a rash action at an 
 unguarded moment. Therefore, I still hope for a pardon. It is me 
 alone who suffers for the offence. For here I feel action, life, vital 
 power half gone toward the Earth, to be continued in some other form. 
 It ain't right, its all wrong; and no prison, no asylum, no town, no 
 family, ought to be allowed to deprive the body of any human bein"- 
 of life-giving substance. For if practiced 
 
 On me this would surely end the habit 
 
 Hashmill feeders to importune ; 
 No more my teeth help them to make a foitune : 
 
 Not a tooth of mine, henceforth to slab it. 
 
 The sole thought of Hashmill feeders. 
 
 Who gain the pious honor of renown, 
 Of being in select circles the leaders. 
 
 And the makers of the richest Hash in town. 
 
 I've heard the Hash-victim at market and fair. 
 Through colicy belchings mumbling the words : 
 
 " Ah me ! O black despair ! O black despair ! " 
 
 Thus solemn his voice tones twanged on bilious chords. 
 
14 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 Abandoned to mirth I've seen them so glad 
 
 With their friends who were happy and joyous ; 
 
 But, they never ate Hash to make them sad, 
 They made Hash for the bilious and the pious. 
 
 They were not prone to the languors of Hash 
 
 By eating it, they only made it to sell ; 
 The profits derived from the gross mash. 
 
 Was the cause of their joy, and made them feel well. 
 
 At table they ask not if others desire 
 
 A more wholesome diet for breakfast or tea, 
 
 It"s always there for you to eat or admire, 
 The hashiest of all Hash confectionery. 
 
 Stringy and ropy, spread on the table, 
 
 lis brown hempen flavor may you invite, 
 A rope-walk to start, and there make a cable, 
 
 Twisting it, turning it round and round with all your might. 
 
 To it, beef a la mode is a godsend. 
 
 When in a cheap restaurant you dine, 
 Tho' strong and tough, yet it may tend — 
 
 Tenderly to feel the stomach's gastric wine. 
 
 Your eyes may upon it look languishing, 
 
 The cook may want to know why thus you gaze, 
 
 ■"I'm hungry" say, "but, I prefer quick famishing, 
 Than thro' bilious fever let Hash end my days." 
 
 ■" Not pleased with so agreeable a banquet 
 
 I from your table disappear, 
 I never more desire to see, nor let. 
 
 Hash again induce me .to come here." 
 
 A NEW DECEPTION. 
 
 Perhaps, it's my usual luck to be by force of fate deceived. 
 Things, generally, measured out for me are small indeed. 
 
 To me the world of human beings in their natures seem more false 
 ihan true. They lie only to deceive. The principle of life is good, 
 but the action of life tends to the bad, at least it seems so in very 
 many instances, unmistakably apparent to my own illusive errors of 
 felicity. For have I not here come in contact with a new deception .? 
 yes, like many another summer boarder with a hungry stomach, 
 who like me has come here attracted by the beautifurin nature; 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 15 
 
 fine valleys and mountains, brooks and waterfalls, to be indigestably 
 taken in by Hash. Intentions that are bad are the rude proofs of 
 low cunning, and low cunning is the result of ignorance. Now, isn't 
 it sad to think, that here, too, the small mind having no limit to its 
 avaricious thoughts, should abide beneath Heaven's pure light of 
 righteousness ! shame upon that small mind whose thoughts corrupt 
 but one of the heart's principles of a kind innate Divinity, — honesty 
 one to the other ! 
 
 THE TENDER REPAST. 
 
 This fine day will be fixed in my mind, 
 
 When away from here I may often recall 
 The tender repast much easier to grind 
 
 Than tough Hash lumps causing teeth from gums to fall. 
 
16 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 Oh ! the dear dish of my landlady's choice, 
 
 Now, I bear and hear its siftings so sweet, 
 Mixing with the nectarous chiccory nice, 
 
 This morning I guzzled at the Hash feast. 
 
 There with the coffee. Hash has made a stew, 
 
 Which now inviteth me the soup to taste. 
 In this mouthful I cast out to view 
 
 The tender mixture on the greeny waste. 
 
 HASH AND BRISTLES. 
 
 Perhaps, the people where I board take me for a pig ; if they do so, 
 it is the first time I've been made aware that my appearance bears the 
 least resemblance to the porky family — what ! I a descendant from a 
 long line of ancestral pigs, here with my nose rooting in the domain 
 for ground nuts ! not at all ; I ignore this slur on my progenitors : 
 they may have been thieves, smugglers or pirates, but not pigs, as I 
 don't bear the least trace of pig. But, if they were pigs, (just for exam- 
 ple sake) they were socially mclined. Of this latter trait I must confess 
 my own habits are characteristic, and I must say, too, very much ani- 
 malized. For, have I not shown the greediness of the hog here lately, 
 by devouring several platefuls of Hash at one silting.' Enough is the 
 word of the prudent; too small a phrase of the greedy. Surely, then, 
 this ought to be a sufficient proof of making my piggish individuality 
 complete. Did I not take to Hash fondly ? So does a hog. There- 
 fore, my landlady does not couple calumny with Hash, if she takes me 
 for a pig. But, on the other hand, does she rot insult the natirrals by 
 making no exception to her own hoggish opinion of me, in favor of man .? 
 "Why should she not give me the benefit of the doubt, if she is unde- 
 cided as to whether I'm a pig's brother in human disguise wearing 
 the apparel of bristless flesh ! No, 'tis not a sign suff, to fix my iden- 
 tity to the larded gentry. No, she might convince a mule that its 
 mother was an ass, but, she can't make me believe that three platefuls 
 of Hash, eaten greedily, makes of a man a hog. No, I will show her 
 when I come in from sketching that her gross nutriment of Hash has 
 not wholly destroyed the sweet sentiment of friendship. I feel for my 
 fellow kind. Yes, although she may fear to hear the truth, more bee^ 
 no Hash, better health. 
 
 For meagre and dear the table, 
 
 That alone feeds an artist on Hash ; 
 Better make a Hash of the cook, if able, 
 
 Flaying her flesh with a cow-hide lash. 
 
 Thus to take the worth of your money 
 
 Out on hide, is better than Hash ; 
 The first makes you feel warm and sunnv. 
 
 The last gives your pride and honor a smash. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. I7 
 
 What a changed individual I am, to be sure. Before I came here I 
 was in sound, robust health, having all my faculties intact and bright; 
 but, the light in my nature has retrograded, and I feel that my manly 
 dignity and honor are falling with my health's decadence -health, that 
 brings joy, prosperity, pleasure. Yes, I feel myself but half animated, 
 reduced in spirit through the weakening process of Hash. 
 
 BASH AND HAIRS. 
 
 The feed is a gross one, be it ever so well prepared; 
 
 All its ingredients doth bile admit ; 
 In it, I've not only seen fat but hairs 
 
 Twisting affectionately round about it. 
 
 'Tis better to stay at a hotel in town. 
 Than to board at a house in the village, 
 . Tho' the hotel's front be sombre and brown, 
 Its table is good for your stomach's equipage. 
 
 Til ere with no odors of Hash on the table. 
 
 No one before it to bow with ceremony, 
 To impress you with its properties able, 
 
 Both to make you sick and take your money. \ -• ■' 
 
 Bit. should blind chance direct you to the village, 
 
 To tiiid a house with tender food superb. 
 Fresh vegetables of Earth's spring tillage, 
 
 Chicken, rare beef, eggs, and salad herb. 
 
 Avoid a house embellished with white paint, ' 
 
 Whose cleanly whiteness may touch your vanity. 
 
 Therein dwells the puritan saint 
 
 Whose Hash may cause you quick insanity. ; 
 
 There you will sigh and you w^ill murmur, 
 
 Every time the table greets your eye. 
 At seeing thereon, the fonl stomach disturber, 
 
 And doughy, half-baked, squashed-made pumpkin pies. 
 
 You'll see the table laid out with a white cover, 
 
 To impress you with the neatness of the female host. 
 
 Who'll serve you kindly, as she would a brother. 
 Sumptuously with Hash made sparing of no cost. 
 
 Exquisite, every meal you will see, ' 
 
 The same excellent dish so pure. 
 Placed nearest where you mny chance to be 
 
 Within reach of its savory presence sure. 
 
18 OVR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 At first your jaws will give it vigorous munch, 
 And eating it, you'll say, "how nice, how dear," 
 
 Six hours after you may give your chest a punch. 
 And say, "good lord, what load have I got here !" 
 
 It's the Hash you thought so agreeable. 
 While mixing it with chiccory and bread, 
 
 For, you now find out it don't sit as amiable 
 On your stomach, as when at first you were led 
 
 To believe, while eating it so nicely pronounced : 
 
 " It's so delicious ! thanks to its maker ! 
 It's so elastic ; see it has almost bounced 
 
 On to my plate from the fork of the Quaker ! " 
 
 HER BOARDERS EAT HASH AND TALK BEEF. 
 
 Where she gets so many boarders from, is a puzzle to me, and why 
 they stay longer than a meal is still more perplexing, seeing that her 
 wicked desire is to get rich making Hash ; for doing which, remorse 
 of conscience may be hers. Then she will realize white hairs as well 
 as a fortune, that may be, after it is made, of no good to her, but only 
 a pleasure to another. But I forgot, the hotels are overcrowded, and 
 this must be the reason why they come here, from the want of accom- 
 modation there. They are of many kinds in character, but of only two 
 sexes : some wear an air of importance : some have natural pride, 
 though, these are not very numerous, because its a pride the presump- 
 ptuous can't imitate. Certain plants can only grow in certain soils ; 
 so, the root of true pride can only germinate in a good heart. Hence, 
 they are the sole ones here who make a point of not having their 
 dignity and self-respect corrupted by eating too much Hash : some 
 talk of social positions in towu, and little coteries of theii^ own forming. 
 That they have been accustomed to the passing of plates of cake around, 
 in small and large quantities, at parties, is evidenced by the fact of 
 passing their plates to and fro to each other at table, and talking, 
 during the efficacious interlude of waiting, for a duplicate plateful of 
 Hash, and of other meats that were not discernible on the table — beef, 
 for instance. 
 
 Yes, I noticed that they mostly addressed their remarks to beef — 
 
 O health and happiness, derived from beef, 
 Thou art the calm, joys of pleasurable sensations. 
 
 Beef was turned over frequently in word. It was done consmeraoiy m 
 thought. Now, whether a butcher's shop occupied their minds at the 
 time, solely as a diversion from ihc contemplation of Hash, I don't 
 know. ■ 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 19 
 
 HASH AND SMILES. 
 
 One of the pleasures of this world is the sweets of society, and he 
 who is capable of natural affection should fulfill his duties to society. 
 To be a good father, a good son, a good husband, a good friend, 
 makes one charitable to his kind, and generous to all his poor rela- 
 tions, helping them to Hash. In this capacity, as a waiter, I got many 
 a smile, and many a thank, sitting as I did in their midst, and offici- 
 ating as such, with plateful after plateful of the elegant Hash, so tempt- 
 ingly offered to their delicate appetites. 
 
 "The Hash is very nice, this morning, sir," one said, with gas- 
 tronomical joy. "Yes," replied another, accompanying the remark 
 with an order for more of it. "It's very fine, it's both meat and 
 drink to- me ;" and another one replied: "Yes, sir, it's to me the 
 most luscious of all food. Hearing this, some of the younger ladies 
 smiled ; and the older motherly dames acquiesced in the savory com- 
 pliment piid to Mr. Hash. He takes what others refuse. What a 
 splendid appetite ! He devours it, and says not a word ! But I 
 noticed their smiles were not loud ones. It was their table etiquette, 
 during the gastronomical feast, to suppress all internal mirth from 
 bursting forth into loud laughs, as, it was the father of a large number 
 of grown-up daughters who made the remark of Hash being both food 
 and drink. Being a citizen of humble origin, and pretending to no 
 pride of birth, he evidently knew the value of the timely encourage- 
 ment, for had he not several prime mess feeders of his own that behooved 
 him to shoe, to clothe, and to feed } Certainly he had. Hence, it was 
 his fatherly policy of domestic economy, to show them an example, 
 both by wor-d and deed. 
 
 Although its parents are its masters, a child's education is often 
 acquired through its eyes ; they often degrade its character by wicked 
 example, or elevate it by cuffs and kicks. Instead of telling it. what it 
 ought not to know about Hash, they mould its moral and physical 
 nature with their hands and feet, so that it may have respect for those 
 in authority, and acquire a talent for doing everything that is mischiev- 
 ous. Its reason and judgment having been thus strengthened, by paren- 
 tal tyranny, does not make the father a bit more great because he 
 smiles upon the child he has cuffed and kicked. 
 
 Moral : The less generous a father's own disposition, the more 
 
 mean the man is toward his own offspring. Here was a subject for 
 
 meditation — a father, whose age and life-long experience, had not 
 
 diminished his love for Hash and progeuy — the sex ttiat Providence 
 
 ■directs to keyholes — females. 
 
 As for myself, I was too polite and busy at the time serving them 
 with Hash, as to hazard an opinion of its qualities. Silence counsels 
 caution when woman is near. We must be discreet when she is nigh, 
 for there is danger about ; and as the Hashmaker was within ear-shot 
 of where I sat, it was policy of mine to say nothing that might make 
 her think of me, and, thinking of me, cause her to frown and say : 
 "As the envious use ridicule as a weapon of coniempi, put this plate- 
 
20 
 
 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 ful of Hash over your mouth for a poultice ; it will stop the music of 
 your jaws. The ignorant think that making Hash, like chopping 
 sausage-meat, is a simple thing to do." 
 
 Thus she might have talked to me, and tried to make a Hash cast of 
 my face — taking impressions of ones face in Hash, her way of punish- 
 ment for being too generous with opinions of that which encourages 
 dyspepsia ; for pleasure often causes trouble, especially that of eating 
 and talking about Hash at breakfast table. 
 
 However, as suspicion is fear often groundless, we sometimes speak 
 the most when we say the least ; in this, ere long, 1 shall be too much 
 interested to mean well. When a nation wants a hero, it must produce 
 a cause, and, as heroism is an offspring of some great event, 1 shall be 
 \ small man of big thoughts. 
 
 If again, this evening, 
 
 THE LADY KEEPER OF THE HASH HOUSE 
 
 ft )k ^l' 
 
 f'M^ ' >'.:^v; 
 
 '>i m 
 
 Should want me at the table to preside, 
 
 I shall refuse the Hashy honor, 
 Unless, upon it there be other meat beside : 
 
 Some smoked beef; some pound cake, and a pommer. 
 
 Far from such duties I shall take my leave ; 
 
 Reserve the honor for a low Hash muncher 
 Dine where instincts lead me to a beeve, 
 
 And of its joints shall be a greedy luncher. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 21 
 
 For, less of her house would I know ; 
 
 My noble home be hence in other parts ; 
 For women who make Hash I hate, although, 
 
 I like their pretty features and their hearts. 
 
 Going thence from there shall be my aim ; 
 
 She has no home for me, nor yet aflfection : 
 Staying there, gives her a sordid gain : 
 
 Too dear for me her bilious confection. 
 
 She may see me this evening at tea, 
 
 Look melancholy, shy, and curious ; 
 She may wonder I don't eat the Hash, and see 
 
 My back is up with it to make a muss. 
 
 But, I don't care how savage she may there 
 
 At my defiance present a bold frontage, 
 I'll obey the instinct of self-preservation where 
 
 She may feel disposed my curly locks to tear. 
 
 But, I'll see that she don't me surprise, 
 
 For of vex'd woman, I'm a close observer ; 
 The quick movement of her hand, I'll watch with eyes, 
 
 Holding the Hash-plate to give my head a curver. 
 
 True, the force of such cooking I'd approve. 
 
 Fighting for and against her noble Hash sublime, ^ 
 
 But, the first blow, I think, would cause me to move 
 From the seat she may reserve as mine. 
 
 As fifes and drums set the feet marching, I suppose I could, by 
 playing a jig on my own flute, dance mysetf out of this town, but I 
 wont do it, in spite of Hash and tough cow steaks. I've paid for a 
 week's board in advance, and if I don't derive much strength from the 
 investment, I shall, at least, gain some knowledge of a woman who is 
 trying to get to the seat of fortune on the road of pleasure paved with 
 lumps of Hash. 
 
 I fancy, I can now see the landlady making more of it for tea this 
 evening. O thou savory dish of the morning meal time, again, you 
 must be thanked for before, and with after blessings offered to thy 
 unctuous shrine ! Now, she knows that other viands could be chosen, 
 but, she has the forethought of knowing that the disappearance of 
 them at table would, while receiving the same grace, be apt to make 
 her boarders feel too cheerful, and, as pleasantry and gravity are not 
 akin, her Hash might lose its dolorous supremacy at the table, 
 and that soft. Christian suavity there of pure faith in the virtues of 
 Hash, which some of her pious gluttons have shown, be somewhat 
 marred in reputation were she even to neglect serving it to them warm, 
 crisp and brown, if, but, for 
 
22 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 A SINGLE MEAL. 
 
 So, there again, Ell have no choice to make, 
 Between fresh eggs, milk, mutton and beef, 
 
 Alone Ell see Hash on the table hath a place. 
 
 The honor, too, of being there, which it can keep. 
 
 I hear she hath of conscience ne'er a scruple ; 
 
 This morn she at the table sat mute as a monk : 
 VVhen to her Hash I gave a smile of ridicule. 
 
 Her thoughts seemed down in deep dejection sunk. 
 
 For, isn't her Hash dealt out to us quite often 
 
 In compounded scrapings ? Her meaty profession 
 
 Gaining her profits from which, makes her a fortune 
 Through the sufferings of our indigestion ! 
 
 Kind, beneficent lady of savory Hashville ! So pious ! so etiquei- 
 ical ! so economical ! so studious and observing ! evincing a wonder- 
 ful knowledge of human nature ! ' Yes, she must surely know that we 
 of the city are apt to gourmandize on country fodder. Yea, she must 
 know that man is an animal, a great devourer of meats, a being of strong, 
 instinctive greediness, desires and rapacity, — prone to murder his kind, 
 to kill fish, and eat flesh and fowl. She has seen the lively movement 
 cf man's lower jaw crunching tough cow steaks ; she has considered 
 the consuming rapacity of those movements, and wondered how they 
 could so long continue without fatigue. She knows with what energy 
 each one works ; that they gain new vigor, the more they are exercised. 
 She knows what an appetite means ; what a boarder, taking a walk before 
 breakfast, intends to do when he comes in. It has been shown so often 
 in her presence, that her allowance of Hash to each one can be par- 
 celled out to a nicety. Ah me ! with what a joyous contemplation do 
 I look forward to the second course of Hash ! I know, Ell sleep as 
 happy as a child, calm and tranquil, when narcotized with laudanum. 
 If I do. Ell thank the hostess in the morning, for showing so much 
 wisdom in choosing a viand to soothe us men, who are inclined to 
 savagery when fed on beef alone. 
 
 Yes, yes, I'll take my nap, all in due silence, having no thought, 
 nor thinking then, of the cares and struggles of life. No, Ell then 
 have no desiie to conspire with, nor commit treason. My loyalty to the 
 Empress of Hashica will be that of a true and steadfast subject, while 
 here, amid these beautiful surroundings of hill and valley, she reigns 
 over me, constant and loyal to her greasy dy-nasty. For, is it not a 
 pleasure to serve under, and do one's duty faithfully in the state of life 
 he occupies, to his Sovereign, or his Potentate, or his President, or 
 his Governor, or his Mayor, or his Alderman, or his Employer.? 
 Does she not govern the affairs of my internal state ? Is she not the 
 sole one who can drive out parasites from her realm, when their ex- 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 23 
 
 pulsion is necessary for the peace of the subject, and her own sovereign 
 tranquility? Yes, this can my noble landlady do, employing her time 
 upon my appetite, with such grace and reason, adding the useful to the 
 ornamental. 
 
 PART II. 
 
 HASH ON CHINAWARE PLATES. 
 
 So, there again at town I did arrive, 
 
 To eat fresh corn bread to my taste agreeable, 
 
 Sweeten'd with honey, just from the hive, 
 
 And not to feed on Hash placed on a pine-wood table. 
 
 Then the tea-time came, and I made an attack 
 On a plateful of Hash she furnished smiling : 
 
 "The Hash is fine, this evening, sir, 'tis free from fat, 
 'Tis made of beef, roasted rare, and boiling !" 
 
 Thus again, she induced me to take the poison, 
 
 By invite of its dry meaty scrapings ; 
 Now, I've found out, that she knows how to lie some 
 
 As well as mix up tough meaty leavings. 
 
 Oh, I feel provoked a carnage to incite 
 Against her impressment of my noble self, 
 
 Through Hash, which my appetite and purse invite, 
 Both to take from me my appetite and pelf 
 
24 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 Were it not for feelings tender and docile, 
 
 That doth ni)- anger now restrain, 
 1 would tell her that she has no child 
 
 On whom with Hash to afflict such pain. 
 
 But, probably, just at this point, 
 
 Her indignation, if wrought up, would make her fight; 
 But then, with my elbows squared thus at the joint, 
 
 Her flying plates of Hash I'd ward off with my might. 
 
 WAITING ON THE LADIES. 
 
 Well, although the Hash has again proved unsatisfying, I have 
 much to be thankful for by looking at it from another point of view. 
 To be elegant, one must be simple, and have natural tastes. He 
 should make plain food the food of his stomach, and have plain people 
 for friends, especially at a repast. Now, this must be the reason that 
 Hash has been the cause of me taking so much interest in ihai family. 
 They politely accorded 7}ie the favor of presiding at the head of the 
 table, and I, as politely, returning the compliment, waited on their 
 appetites with several courses of that which relieves, feeds and satisfies, 
 namely : Hash. The two coquettes, in olive gowns, seem to have 
 profited much by the occasion, aye, in two ways : my free services 
 attending to their appetites, and the dexterous working of my own fork 
 in Hash, at which, their smiles seemed to have come from a source of 
 innate pleasure. 
 
 Women, as a general rule, are self-possessed when among strange 
 people whose digestion serves them, to readily respond to the needs 
 of an appetite. Home life, being to them the principal study of their 
 existence, is one reason why they feel so much ai heme under many 
 a trying, social circumstance. This, I found lo be the case last night, 
 at tea, and this morning when sipping their chicory. Now, surely, 
 their amiable smiles to me could not have been the result of Hash. 
 Life's dear contact with living beings forms true friendship. It is the 
 glow of admiration that lasts shiningly bright, unaltered, to the end of 
 life. W^as this the soul gleam of true feeling that shone there to me, 
 or merely a tenderness developed by the occasion of necessity .? To be 
 self-contained, one needs substantial food that will impart a piquancy 
 and brilliancy to the mind. 
 
 Now, how came it about, that the ladies' mirthful faculties took a 
 smiling latitude .? Surely, not from the nourishment of their food, for, 
 on Hash, it is dangerous to satisfy an appetite, and smile. What, 
 then, could have made them so amiable toward me .? Did love pre- 
 side where appetite ruled ? Women are controlled by indulgence ; they 
 open their hearts when their stomachs are full of^of turkey, and this 
 shows no corrupt taste to be contented with ordinary things. Now, 
 if there had been any turkey on the table, they would then have had 
 a good reason to smile, because there is a magnetism between turkey 
 and smiles. But, there was not even a wing of any kind to be seen on 
 the table, whose presence might suggest /^w/, during all the time thir 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH 
 
 25 
 
 lips were showing me beautiful white teeth, chewingly engaged in the 
 service of Hash. 
 
 Beneficent mess ! making the girls so joyous, and me with the fam- 
 ily so intimate — almost friends at once. How very little it requires 
 to make strange persons friendly ! Here I am a stranger, only one 
 day in town, 
 
 INVITED TO A PARTY 
 That Is to take place To-night in the PARL WAR. 
 Now, I sigh to feel lighter from the repast, 
 
 I've eaten with a ravenous appetite ; 
 This sensation of fullness, no longer to last, 
 It makes my blue coat and pants rather tight. 
 
 How can I with pleasure dance at the ball 
 
 Which invite to me was imperative .-' 
 This eve, from my partner, I surely shall fall, 
 
 From my stomach's weight of the Hash nutritive. 
 
OUH AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 Even if I walk through the cotillion, 
 
 The exercise will be fatiguing ; 
 I'm sure I'll feel as dumpy as a scullion, 
 
 And early from the party think of leaving. 
 
 At twelve, they may call me in to supper, 
 
 But, one eye only, on that, I shall have in view ; 
 
 If they offer Hash to make me suffer, 
 
 I'll beg to be excused and ask for mutton stew. 
 
 For, of Hash this day, I've enough procured, 
 Made from the toughest meat of the season ; 
 
 Here, of its power and weight I'm now assured ; 
 My excuse, then, will be of ample reason. 
 
 They may think I've strange notions on the subject 
 Of Hash, made fresh there expressly for me ; 
 
 Who, at the hop, may be the sole hop]^c\., 
 That mostly the fine guests desire to see. 
 
 For, to make my acquaintance to-night is 
 A party expected to come in plain dress ; 
 
 " How stiff he is," they'll say, "look, how tight is 
 His collar, his pantaloons, and vest." 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 27 
 
 'Twill be the Hash in my person they'll sight, 
 
 Though they'll think it the person himself so stiff, 
 
 Who, to them, will appear so proud and tight, 
 Putting on Hashitied airs with a stiff upper lip. 
 
 Their hilarity may cause me inquietude, 
 
 For they'll smile at the expansive consequence 
 
 Of my Hash dignity misunderstood. 
 
 Their thoughtless reasons of it be void of sense. 
 
 But, at the hop, before the midnight hour, 
 They may all signs of this false dignity see 
 
 Hath from its prideful height been muchly lowered, 
 To their surprise and my then gayety. 
 
 How lightly, then, my feet will trip the dance, — 
 The feet they thought so proud and lig ; 
 
 Request me as a partner in a dance 
 
 For the next waltz, a schottische, or a jig. 
 
 Their timid counsel I must then obey, 
 
 And not be frightened if they sigh. 
 That, through the dance's light fantastic way, 
 
 I can reduce the bulk of Hash, deliciously. 
 
 Thus, again, may good come out of evil, 
 
 Through the merit of a joyous party 
 All happy, merry, jolly, amiable. 
 
 Digesting Hash with loud laughs heartily. 
 
 THE PARTY AT HASHVILLE. 
 
 Oh ! the gayety, the smile, and the happiness of everybody at that 
 party. The occasion, the season, and the seasoning, I shall long 
 remember. A Senator, a Legislator, aye, even a Judge, partaking of 
 a dry lunch at recess would think of it. A Bearer of dispatches, 
 dispatching sandwiches, would think of it. A Prince, cast away at sea, 
 twenty nights and twenty days, without a meal, would think of it. A 
 brown-stone-front Boarder, coming in late for tea and getting none, 
 would think of it. I, myself, will think of it. It will be the sole idea 
 uppermost in my thoughts when, at a country resort, I may sit on a 
 hotel piazza, abstractedly looking at the far away mountains. Yes, 
 where'er I may be in the world, I'll give the Hashy feast these thoughts: 
 the gay time, the dance, the talk, the walks on the lawn in the moon- 
 light. Yes, where'er I may be, I shall see nothing but the banquet of 
 Hash. From here, far away wandering about the earth, all my long 
 journeys will have with them the banquet of Hash as a reminder. 
 Aye, even when grown old, I shall pass through in thought this piquant 
 
28 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 •epoch of rich Hash. Banquets were my ideal dream of youth, but this 
 one is now my positive reahty, which fate (my unlucky star) has for 
 once brought me here to charm me by setting aside all hungry sen- 
 sations with a pleasure o*' 'ullness in my stomach heavily determined 
 to last. What an agreeable sensation it is ! What a joy maker ! 
 Here again making the alliance happy with convivial hearts — hearts 
 joyous with meats so rare ! — meat attracting my attention at supper ! — 
 savory meat so easily munched 1 There it was, as odorous as ever, 
 on the delf-ware, my nose reminding me of its presence, even when I 
 was talking to the ladies, with my back toward it. Such luxury, amid 
 grace and smiles ! Such Hash elegance on delf-ware ! inviting the 
 guests assembled to devour it, which some did with avidity and with- 
 out premeditation ! Pleasure makes pleasure : its the cord that vibrates 
 between hearts transmitting joy one to the other. 
 
 "Is it meet," I said, to the younger coquette in the olive colored 
 gown, whose hands were holding the aliment, "to practice Hash-talk 
 by recommending it to me and the other boarders } Do you know 
 that you are puffing the landlady's compound, thereby, making her 
 get rich at eight dollars a-week for full board, on a single dish whose 
 stomachic profit gives us the nett result of dyspe|isia }'' 
 
 She smiled, and said that I had no confidence in the feast most 
 touching to the stomach. But such another smile would have destroyed 
 the respect due to the sex that wears petticoats, or eflaced the distinc- 
 tion of blood existing between us. 
 
 "No," I replied, " no one ever becomes honorable who eats Hash. 
 When a man becomes honorable through his stomach, it is the good 
 nourishment therein that makes his ideas flow easily and brilliantly as 
 a result." Then, I instanced to her the cases of some Aldermen, how 
 they went into office lean, and came out fat." 
 
 "Oh, its so interesting," Mr. Chromo, she replied, "to be thus 
 entertained." 
 
 "Is it right," I said, "to have our mouths rendered useless, our 
 sense of taste for other viands blunted ?" 
 
 Hearing this, her response was reserved, but her mute answer said 
 to me no. I know the strongest passions are cured by indulgence ; 
 one cannot speak from better experience, but, no doubt she was easily 
 aff"ected, and felt chagrined at my badinage about Hash : but she soon 
 forgot the wound, and, being cured again, admitted me to her confi- 
 dence and attention. 
 
 "Restrictive laws," I continued, "which the country, all over, has 
 got into the ridiculous habit of framing, mentions nothing of Hash, 
 which is dyspeptically eating its victims prematurely into early graves. 
 Therefore, be warned in time ; with a little prudence and forethought 
 you can extricate yourself from its trammels." 
 
 "Its a nourishment light and agreeable, Mr. Chromo, that people want, 
 and when taken with a coffee beverage of Mocha and Java purity, acts as 
 a mild excitant for the brain and nerves after a deep drouse, " she said. 
 
 "I see you mingle your conversation with pleasantry. Miss Olive, 
 whenever you find an opportunity of introducing a joke. Minced Hash 
 and liquid chicory as a mixture, are only fit for the inspection of a 
 hog's snout," I replied. 
 
 " But this is a country dish, sir," she replied, good humoredly "a 
 
OLR AMERICAN HASH. 31 
 
 simple diet, suitable to the people living here, which ought to be its 
 defense for being here." 
 
 *' I think so," I answered. " It seems to be exactly what you state, 
 for, ever since I've been here the chief article of diet, that puts a sus- 
 pense to the internal cravings of hunger, has been this most extraor- 
 dinary, delectable, chopped, lumpy stuffing for man and his stomach." 
 
 "Give it action with thy lower jaw," a Quakeress said, who over- 
 heard me. But I silently looked at her, and was dumb. Here, where 
 her advice ended, the coquette's begun : 
 
 " Mr. Chromo, accept this plate," she said tantalizingly, 
 
 "No, no," I said, "let it there repose, calmly, sweetly, savory, if 
 you don't want to fall out with me." 
 
 "Its very nice," she said, putting it down before me. *' Here let 
 the purity of my intentions serve me as an excuse." 
 
 "No, no. Miss Gingham, I respect your attention and politeness, 
 but I must decline your invitation," curving myself over to her in an 
 obsequious bow. Aversion is the word that means and says : " No ; 
 I am satisfied with what I have eaten, my stomach has no room for an 
 more of it. " 
 
 If it were a piece of roast beef offered to me by the kindly donor, 
 I would not hesitate; but the landlady's mind, it seems, has no meat 
 consideration for us. There has been only a small chunk of unmixed 
 animal viand on the table in two days, which, in its superlative degrees 
 of meat spare, sparer, sparest, soon disappeared. 
 
 " You must be proud, Mr. Chromo," said Olive Miss Gingliam. 
 
 " Proud ! " I echoed. 
 
 " Yes," she answered, " rather high toned in thus refusing a plate 
 of Hash on the night of a village_/^/^ day. " 
 
 Me, so modest and retiring, accuse 
 
 Of pride, so foreign to my nature. 
 And not the Hash of gobling goose, whose use 
 
 Gives one the meek appearance of a Quaker ! 
 
 Perhaps it would be well, had Hash the power, 
 
 Of largely distending my thick hide, 
 So, their opinions of me they'd not lower 
 
 With w^ords to set my dignity aside. 
 
 This menace to my stomach's credulity. 
 
 Might save me, p'raps, from many dangers, 
 From others to my person which they'd see 
 
 Too portly in bearing to take approach from strangers. 
 
 All things here on Earth are well ordained 
 
 For man's existence with the best of meats, 
 Except the compound which I've named — 
 
 Hash, the biggest of all meaty cheats 
 
32 
 
 OUR AMERICAN II A Si:. 
 
 That savory slush that first seduced my eyes 
 
 And nose with odors of deliciousness ; 
 My throat, with appetizing neat surprise, 
 
 Surfeited once almost to greediness. 
 
 The first course of the feast being over, the conversation, then 
 began about the weather, and other affairs of politics and fashions ; 
 but, I observed that the pleasantry of the talk most agreeable among 
 the assembled eaters present, near me, was turkey. Yes, turkey, 
 minus cranberry sauce, was the topic of their confabulation. What a 
 splendid condiment, I thought, to digest Hash with. More astonish- 
 ing still, the coquette. Miss Gingham, to whom I'd been an attentive 
 cavalier, asked me if I too liked " turkey." 
 
 "Ask me not again. Miss Gingham," I said; "like begets like, 
 and you'll make me fonder still if yon repeat the word turkey, which, 
 now suggests to me the many appetizing morsels of the barn-yard fowl 
 I've eaten in days gone by. Yes, I have for 'turkey' every respect a 
 straggling artist can have for the farmer's pet fowl. My teeth have 
 frequently been occupied, paying it masticative attention." 
 
 She smiled, and so did her mother, as the mention of turkey seemed 
 to have broken her silent reserve. Yes, she the mother of the Ging- 
 hams also took it to heart joyously, as it was an atfair of which she, 
 too, seemed to be pleased. 
 
 '•' As full as I am of Hash now," she said, " I think I could find 
 room for a slice of roast turkev. " 
 
 " Or a nice piece of venison," I said. 
 
 " Yes," the mother of the Ginghams replied, " served up with cur- 
 rant jelly." 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 33 
 
 This urbanity to mouths so long accustomed to Hash, was, indeed, 
 refreshing. 
 
 " Boiled turkey, too," I said, "was nice." 
 
 "Yes, Mr. Chromo, it is very nice with celery," they both replied 
 together as v/ith one voice. 
 
 " Yes," I answered, " when the celery is fresh and crisp. I suppose, 
 Mrs. Hashton (the landlady's name) gives her boarders celery some- 
 times.''" 
 
 "Yes, sometimes she does. Did you not see some of it on the 
 table yesterday .''" 
 
 " I saw something that looked to me like a wilted bouquet in a 
 bottle." 
 
 "That was it," the Ginghams replied, as with one voice, getting up 
 from their seats, and showing an expansive condition, yawning and 
 belching, as a consequence of eating too much of that which I know 
 is sure death to the spirits — Hash. 
 
 THE FLIRTATION. 
 
 Then, arm in arm, Miss Olive and I promenaded the piazza. 
 
 " How do you feel, Mr. Chromo.'*" Aliss Olive asked. 
 
 " Does your speech consult my health or my hands .-*" I answered. 
 
 " I won't tell you," she said ; " if I were to reply, you would make 
 me out as being ignorant of polite literature, perhaps. " 
 
 " Not at all, Miss Olive ; women seldom reflect before they begin to 
 talk; most of them have got the jabbereens. " 
 
 " What kind of stuff is jabbereens .'' Mr. Chromo. Is it silk or vel- 
 vet.?" Miss Gingham said, seemingly curious to know. 
 
 "It is neither silk nor velvet. It isn't a stuff at all." 
 
 "Then what is it.?" she said evasively, seeming not to take the 
 hint. 
 
 The jabbereens is a constitutional tongue complaint which you 
 women have inherited from your foremothers." 
 
 " I don't care, I shan't reply, " she said. 
 
 "Then, Miss Olive, I shall answer for you. The speech of the 
 polite, would have been ' how is your health, Mr. Chromo V How- 
 ever, I do not accuse you as wanting in thought — not in this particular 
 instance, at all events, Miss Olive, for your words may have slipped 
 from your tongue engendered so to do from the enthusiasm of your 
 feelings having been stirred up by Hash." 
 
 "Mr. Chromo, I stand corrected," she said, somewhat piqued. 
 
 "Well, Miss Olive, to curtail the long narrative, I am happy to 
 say at this moment, that, although what we dislike in doing gives us 
 no pleasure, my health has so far, by good management, passed through 
 an ordeal of Hash but slightly hurt, and strange to say, from such a 
 weak support, I now feel as strong as Samson, as gentle as a child, and 
 as tender as an oyster. " 
 
 Hearing this. Miss Gingham looked at me awhile as if in doubt. 
 Having measured me for veracity, with her eyes, she then said : 
 
 "I don't believe a word of it, Mr. Chromo." 
 
 "All right," I said, " suspicion has no confidence ; hence you doubt 
 
84 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 my word. Who is that woman over yonder?" I said, changing the 
 conversation. 
 
 " Where's your eyes.''" Miss Olive answered. 
 
 " In my head," 1 replied. 
 
 " That's my mother," was ]\Iiss Olive's curt response. 
 
 " Dear me," 1 said, "how soon large objects moving away from us, 
 diminish in size. Where is she going to. Miss Olive .?" I said. 
 
 ' ' You are too curious, Mr. Chromo ; I won't tell you. " 
 
 " Remember those are avoided who never oblige." 
 
 "I don't care," she said, "to silly questions I never answer; you 
 can see, if you are not blind, where ma is going." 
 
 "True, increase of years, and a too constant use have somewhat 
 impaired my keenness of vision, but the most serious defect to my eye- 
 sight has taken place here." 
 
 " In what manner.?" Mr. Chromo." 
 
 " Looking at Hash and women ;" saying this, I felt a twitch at my 
 goatee. 
 
 "You are too lively, IVIiss Olive," I said, "a little less vim, if you 
 please, and you'll show more of the angel. See, your mother is just 
 going into Mrs. Gabbletongue's house." 
 
 "We sleep there, Mr. Chromo, and take our meals here at Mrs. 
 Hashton's." 
 
 " Oh, you do, do you .' that's news to me." 
 
 "Yes, ma is going to take a nap ; she told me awhile ago that she 
 felt very drowsy, and that I must not let her oversleep herself, but to 
 wake her up, in case she should, when the meal-bell rings." 
 
 "It is no wonder," I answered, "the sleepy and the lazy grow 
 fat " 
 
 There was another twitch at my goatee. Olive's deft fingers had 
 pulled out three hairs. There were three hairs less in my goatee. 
 Hash must have weakened their roots ; how otherwise could they have 
 come out so easily .'' — three hairs less to be dyed, seeing which, pro- 
 voked me to say: "You make a too free use of your fingers, Miss 
 Olive. I place restrictions on such conduct. Miss Gabbletongue 
 wouldn't do that, she is more polite." 
 
 " How do you know, she wouldn't, Mr. Chromo .'" 
 
 " Her actions at the party the other night convinces me of that. 
 Actions, you know, speaker louder than words." 
 
 " Her ways may convince you, but they don't deceive me," Miss 
 Gingham said, mine own eyes catching from hers a jealous look. 
 Rivalry is the defect in the friendship of women. 
 
 "Oh, bye-the-bye, if not asking too much, what countr}'man is 
 Miss Gabbletongue's mother.?" 
 
 "Countrywoman, you mean." 
 
 " I stand corrected. Miss Gingham ; I forgot the wo. But so as not 
 to make another mistake, I'll put the question to you in another 
 form : where is the land of her nativity.'" 
 
 "Where do you suppose it is? Mr. Chromo." 
 
 " You answer my question bv asking another. Who is saying this — 
 you or me? However, I'll repeat the geographical interrogation, 
 where did Mrs. Gabbletongue's blinkers first see the daylight?'' 
 
 "You ought to know, Mr. Chromo, for you told me yesterday that 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. . 37 
 
 you could tell where a person was born and brought up, by hearing 
 them talk. " 
 
 "Did I?" 
 
 ''You did." 
 
 '•Then I've a poor memory for facts." 
 
 "Don't you remember, Mrs. Gabbletongue was here yesterday at 
 tea and monopolized all the conversation— in other words that she did 
 
 all the tallcin*^ ? 
 
 "I do, right well. You and your mother were too full for utter- 
 ance and 'remained silent. It is Mrs. Gabbletongue's talk that makes 
 me curious to know her better ; hence I put the question to you about 
 her place of birth." . „ 
 
 "Well, now give a guess, Mr. Chromo ; you are good at guessmg, 
 Miss Gingham said. 
 
 "Nasal Land," I replied. 
 
 "Nasal Land ! I never heard of that land before. In what part ot 
 the world is it located.?" 
 
 "In the New World." 
 
 "That's news tome, Mr. Chromo. I'm pretty well posted m the 
 geography of the New World, but I've never heard of Nasal Land be- 
 fore? Perhaps its at the North Pole.?" 
 
 "True it hath a facial promontory, Miss Gingham, but not at the 
 North Pole." 
 
 " How is it bounded, Mr. Chromo?" 
 
 "It is bounded by the Faceridge Mountains, Horn Bugle Bluff and 
 Proboscis Point." 
 
 " I'm as much in the dark now as ever." 
 
 " Well, Miss Gingham, I shall enlighten you at once. Listen. Nasal 
 Land is where the inhabitants murder the king's English with their 
 
 noses. 
 
 ' ' 6b, now I know where you mean, you facetious rogue— you mean 
 
 New England. " t xr -r- i j 
 
 "Yes, Miss Gingham, you've guessed it. I mean New England, 
 the land' of the Yankees— those laddies who know on which side their 
 
 bread is buttered." t, , j u 
 
 "You are good at guessing, Mr. Chromo. I ve heard ma say that 
 Mrs. Gabblet°ongue came from Down East; but Miss Hetty, her 
 daughter, was born here in Hashville. She's a sweet girl, isn't she, 
 
 Mr. Chromo.?" 
 
 " I esteem Miss Gabbletongue very highly. She's so quiet and re- 
 served, hardly ever saying a word— the direct opposite of her mother. 
 Like from like of kindred is not always assured ; as proof of this we 
 are witness of Miss Hetty's relationship and lack of resemblance to her 
 mother." ,, 
 
 " Perhaps you're in love with her, Mr. Chromo. 
 
 '•True, while the wants of the body are many, the heart musn t 
 starve ; it requires its natural food which is love. But it don't always 
 follow that because we esteem a lady that we love her ; although esteem 
 and love toward the fair sex are very near akin.''^ 
 
 " Have you ever been in love, Mr. Chromo?" 
 
 She touches and I'm fi.Ked, I said to myself; she is much better at 
 pointing a joke than me. Does her question mean a bouquet, a pair 
 
38 • OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 of gloves, a carriage, and perhaps a ring ? Yes, yes, now I see her arm 
 was but a noose for marriage. 
 
 "I once had some of that which you name, which, perhaps, you 
 possess, which you hope some day to give, but it fled from my heart a 
 long, long time ago." 
 
 "Did it last long, Mr. Chromo .?" 
 
 "No, it served me but a short time only. It was, but it soon ceased 
 to be in my heart. It hath fled from thence, I hope, forever and 
 a day." 
 
 "And you've never found one since then, I suppose, to take her 
 place," Miss Gingham said. 
 
 "When we search not, we find not. I've never looked." 
 
 " Didn't you feel hurt at the loss, IMr. Chromo .?"' 
 
 "Put a fly in a spider's web and get it out without breaking it, 
 Miss Gingham." 
 
 " Then your poor heart suffered some." 
 
 " It did ; the snail of sorrow crept in there." 
 
 "What did you do to drown it.?" asked Miss Gingham. 
 
 " When things are not as they ought to be, we should try and mend 
 them. I used to give it lager beer at a saloon kept by a German, who 
 slung his Dutch at me in chunks, ' Ein .? swei ? mit a pritzel .?' and 
 when my keg got full I'd go home to my lonely couch singing 
 
 HOP-LIGHT-LOO ! 
 
 Hop-light-loo ! 
 
 The Deutscher has drew, 
 Mr. Chromo, Mr. Chromo, 
 
 Much beer for you. 
 
 Hop-light-loo ! 
 
 Ein, swei, one, two, 
 For Mr. Chromo, Mr. Chromo, 
 
 The Deutscher has drew. 
 
 Hop-light-loo ! 
 
 Beer will rue 
 Mr. Chromo, INIr. Chromo, 
 
 Mr. Chromo, you. 
 
 Hop-light-too ! 
 
 All the cats mew, 
 Mr. Chromo, IMr. Chromo, 
 
 At you, at you. 
 
 Hop-light-loo ! 
 
 There are few 
 Mr. Chromo, Mr. Chromo, 
 
 More drunk than you. 
 
 Hop-light-loo ! 
 
 This Won't do 
 Mr. Chromo, INIr. Chromo, 
 
 Mr. Chromo, for you. 
 
 " I suppose that was an efl"ective cure." 
 
 " By no means, it simply soothed my grief by putting me to sleep." 
 
 "Then your grief must have taken deep root, Mr. Chromo.?" 
 
 "It did. Miss Gingham ; it became deeply rooted, so much so, 
 
 that, unlike superfluous hair, I couldn't pull it out with a pair of 
 
 tweezers. " 
 
 " But you must have found a cure for it, Mr. Chromo. You seem 
 
 perfectly well enough now." 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 39 
 
 "Habits once formed, Miss Olive, are easily borne. I continued 
 the hop cure and used to eat large slices of smoked beef mahogany. " 
 
 "That's a strange diet to cure grief with, Mr. Chromo, 1 can hardly 
 believe you." 
 
 "You are too amiable, Miss Olive, to doubt my word. It"s the 
 honest truth; I cured myself with decoctions of hop and rosin, which, 
 to you, may seem surprising." 
 
 " But surely not to its merits alone, INIr. Chromo, do you owe your 
 cure." 
 
 "No ; I'll admit, I brought some mind to the case as well. As it 
 was an affair of the heart, I would say to myself repeatedly, 'why be 
 affected at such a loss, the half of a bad bargain is too much ; do not 
 think any more of her' "' 
 
 "Of her you fancied first, then loved, and now you don't," Miss 
 Gingham, interrupting me, said laughing. 
 
 " I suppose her heart-aches were equal to your own, Mr. Chromo. 
 For the loss of you, how do you think she consoled herself?" 
 
 "I heard she drank pear juice, and became gentle." 
 
 "Wasn't she an amiable girl, Mr. Chromo .-*" 
 
 "Amiability, Miss Gingham, is a scarce article. Your faith on that 
 point need not be strong." 
 
 "Well, what kind of a disposition had the girl any way, Mr. 
 Chromo ?" 
 
 " It was fair to middling ; sometimes good, but it could have been 
 better only she wouldn't let it." 
 
 "i suppose this can be considered an infirmity — more a trouble of 
 the head than the heart ; a characteristic of the temperament known 
 as the animated — the sanguine or red-haired." 
 
 " INIiss Olive, let the description be thine, and the comparison mine. 
 Do you know a cucumber when you see it ?" 
 
 "I do, Mr. Chromo, perfectly well." 
 
 "Do you know what a horse-radish is.?" 
 
 "I do." 
 
 " Well, she wasn't like either of them ; she hadn't the cool sentiment 
 of the one, nor the inspiriting gayety of the other ; but what she did 
 have, that partook more of the tiger than the lamb, was a temper as 
 hot as red pepper." 
 
 "I suppose there were times when the girl was gentle and dear to 
 you. " 
 
 " But those times, Miss Olive, were only when she became a parior 
 ornament, in the presence of a friend, or sat on the porch in the twilight, 
 looking like a marble statue on a brown granite pedestal. Then, and 
 then only, did I compare her in meekness to a dish that has often con- 
 soled me — a poached &g^ on toast." 
 
 " 'Tis a pity to see a pretty girl show a quick temper, and judging 
 from what you state, hers wasn't mild." 
 
 "No, Miss Gingham, it wasn't mild, it was rather squally. It was 
 like the Atlantic Ocean — it had more storms than calms. One day a 
 sudden gust of it struck the top-gallant mast of our love barque, and 
 tore away the lanniards of all our love-knot vows." 
 
 "That was an awful catastrophe, Mr, Chromo. After the heart- 
 wreck I suppose you separated." 
 
40 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 "We did. Her spars floated one way, mine another ; but dropping 
 metaphor, I have since then felt less inclined to love again." 
 
 "No doubt, Mr. Chromo, your poor heart has suffered a good deal. 
 It's a wonder to me it isn't completely broken, leaving love a dead love 
 so long when there are so many other young ladies you know." 
 
 The hook is baited, the line is cast, and I, the poor foolish fish am 
 caught, for she's a skilfull angler, is Miss Olive. She knows the occa- 
 sion is the opportunity, and the year a leap one. 
 
 " I see you don't or won't hear me, Mr. Chromo," said IMiss Ging- 
 ham tauntingly. 
 
 Bending my neck over in a 4-ply linen collar, and bowing my 
 knowledge-box to her, I said : 
 
 "Miss Olive you speak tq me on the wrong side— my left ear is 
 stuffed." 
 
 " With cotton or wax," she replied mockingly, and smiling all over 
 her face. 
 
 "With neither," I answered, "the tympanum of my left lug has 
 become swollen." 
 
 " I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Chromo. I suppose you've been sitting 
 somewhere in a draught.?" 
 
 "No, that isn't the cause." 
 
 "What is it then, if you know it.? To know the cause is half the 
 cure, and you can be your own aurist. " 
 
 ' ' By moving away from the cause, eh .?" 
 
 "Yes ; avoidance is all you require." 
 
 "Then I will tell you, my good doctoress, my partial deafness 
 comes from hearing much of women's tongue." 
 
 There was another twitch at my goatee, and from that goatee she held 
 in her deft fingers three more hairs less to be dyed. 
 
 "You mocker," she said, "lies every one of your words. Love 
 better and you'll be more confiding." 
 
 "Well, Miss Olive, as disgust ends with the quarrel, believe half 
 of what I tell you, and you'll believe the truth ; I was only jesting. By 
 their songs I know their gentle dispositions. Women like to be heard, 
 to divulge no secrets, and obey ; what their hearts tell them to speak, 
 they speak out, without hesitancy, all that they know. Don't they .?" 
 
 "Your opinion of my sex, ]\Ir. Chromo, maybe correct." 
 
 ' ' Yet, while they are frank, I notice that you are also candid with 
 your speech as well as they." 
 
 " Especially when in love. Miss Olive." 
 
 ' ' I see " 
 
 "I see you do, without specs," I said, interrupting her. 
 
 "Mr. Chromo, I see " 
 
 "Of course you do, without green goggles," I said, "like an op- 
 tician." 
 
 " I see, Mr. Chromo" — placing her hand over my mouth — "I see 
 that you see the girl that you love," Miss Olive said, taking her hand 
 off my Hash-trap. 
 
 "Then love lies through beautiful eyes," I answered. "You should 
 never look at things that ought to go unperceived." 
 
 ^ Is that so T' Miss Gingham said, somewhat surprised. 
 
 "Its enough for me to look at you and see not the least sign of " 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 41 
 
 "That vou are fond of me — no, no, not of me, Mr. Chromo, but of 
 rich dishes." 
 
 Oh i this love enchantment amidst the torments of Hash, I said to 
 myself. I should have shut my heart's doors to the one and refused 
 the other an entrance to my gullet." 
 
 " Fond of rich dishes !" 
 
 "Oh, yes, sometimes," I said. But what is the use of being fond 
 of such dishes at this house .'' My jaws haven't had any exercise on 
 a joint of chicken since I've been here : not once even has the broth 
 of giblets decorated my shirt front." 
 
 " Do you like Hash, Mr. Chromo.?" 
 
 Hearing this from fair lips made all my thoughts of other viands 
 vanish. 
 
 " Do I like Hash.? No, no," I said, in the enthusiasm of my dis- 
 gust, " excite me not with the apparition." 
 
 " You don't like Hash, Mr. Chromo ? Dear me, I'm surprised ! 
 "Why, 1 think its the very nicest of dishes," Miss Olive Gingham 
 replied. 
 
 " Nice, did you say.? Good lord ! how some people's tastes are 
 perverted !' 
 
 Sacrifice of means is more favorable to one's pride than risk of losing 
 health and reputation in a Hash community ; therefore, 
 
 Shun it, ere your nose, like "mine, may become 
 Reduced in sense by the odor of the mess, 
 
 Better an egg or two, or, even some 
 
 Hominy fried in hot fat, fizzing more or less. 
 
 GONE AS A CLOUD. 
 
 Interest is the golden figure in the arithmetic of love, when pride 
 counts the numbers. When we show indifference to the welfare of 
 others — the kind who, for favors received, give us nothing in return — 
 they soon make preparations for departure ; hence, perhaps, this is why 
 the end of Miss Gingham's sojourn here at Hashville has come. Our 
 meeting was but an incident, and has terminated almost as soon as be- 
 gun. She must have found out that I was a depositor in a broken Hash 
 bank, that a receiver had been appointed to look over the books of the 
 note-shaving shop, in search of assets, and that the result of his inspec- 
 tion brought to light only a few lumps of Hash, which the receiver 
 himself gobbled up for his own services. Thus it is, a blow at fortune 
 knocks friendship down. Well, no matter ; he or she who choses 
 much will find very little of anything to please them. Miss Gingham's 
 love for me wasn't of the durable kind — known as the lasting, the 
 •constant — no. She has gone away without saying Good-bye love, and 
 all that remains of substantial weight to remind me of her, is this one 
 brown hair of hers here on my shoulder. One moment of success at 
 making love. Oh, it was too long a time for her, and short enough 
 for me ! She liked me more than she loved me. But I forgot, when 
 exchanging tender sentiments with her, 
 
42 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 That he who thinks much of women 
 
 Must think much of gold ; 
 She knew I had no riches 
 
 Both her and her beauty to hold. 
 
 She has gone away from me — me who has more love than money. 
 Alas ! can I forget her ? No — never ! She was always pressing me to 
 believe in her constancy and love. Now, never have I known a cir- 
 cumstance so black. 'Tis too much for one who desired not to live 
 alone and renounce all the charms of social life. Dream love of con- 
 stancy and faith ! 'Tis only in these the mind hath peace. Thou 
 hard-hearted woman ! But she is gone and left it difficult for me to 
 tell how many beautiful ideas she may have had of me. Woman's 
 mind is like a garden full of flowers and full of insects. I may have 
 been to her an insect, a small potato bug, surpassed by others of less 
 size, who avowed all force to beauty, and too poor to win a girl whose 
 mind was fixed on wealth. 
 
 However, her going away has taught me that love and friendship are 
 only in name. Then why should I be affected at her loss ? Dry up, 
 salt tears, dry up ! Love is remarkable for its errors. To grieve for 
 her would show my heart more sensitive than my head is wise. She 
 did not love me, she only lib©d me ; this shows that she is, and always 
 will be, a coquette. What ! a coquette constant, amiable, sweet ! 
 Good lord ! Fate recommend me not to one less than ninety years 
 old. As time is eternal, she may live to eternity's doom, which means 
 always. No ; less success and more hope. No, I shall never trust 
 hope again ; he promises, but seldom pays. She has gone away. 
 Well, he who fears to follow where danger leads, has discretion for a 
 friend. That love, so frivolous, allows me yet to live as a freeman ! 
 To walk in the light of the sun, and not be in love, is a boon. 
 
 True, she gave me some encouragement, but very little each time. 
 She was so careful of it, although the little I got from her gave me 
 pleasure and it gave me pain. However, I've given to her my last 
 sigh ; I now realize my situation. It was critical. 
 
 The beautiful and ugly make a contrast. Miss Gingnam was a daugh- 
 ter who had a mother — a daughter that might soon be a widow. The 
 most beautiful of two things is the one you like best ; hence, the dan- 
 ger to ym happiness lay through the daughter. One likes much when 
 he loves much ; I didn't like Mrs. Gingham, for I knew in her I'd find 
 enough of self-will to make short work of peace. Living on credit 
 makes ones pleasure accord not with his means. Mrs. Gingham 
 owed Mrs. Hashton for a month's board. This made it more agree- 
 able for me to refuse her daughter with a silent tongue than with 
 money to buy her silk stuffs. I, the husband to the daughter : she, 
 the mother to her children, married or single; my wife, the sister 
 of her brothers — all come to establish themselves in my e^'.ablish- 
 ment — all come to dine with me on Hash and horse. Of tthese 
 I would give them a surfeit, so that they would not care to come to my 
 house again for a long time ; for that which is common, they would 
 not like, especially the mother, whose near approach would mean dan- 
 ger to my domestic peace. But, if she'd come there the second time, 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 43 
 
 I would not forget my duty as a married man — I'd place her figure- 
 head over my front door with these words beneath: "This is my 
 mother-in-law, a social sphinx whose custom it is to come here in spite 
 of no invitation. She is positive in her lessons to her daughter, and 
 much given to correct my early neglected education with chairs and 
 broomsticks." 
 
 Moral : Unworthy relations, if you indulge them, think they never 
 get enough, whereas the poor, worthy unrelated, will thank you kindly 
 for half as much. 
 
 So much for caprice, mothers-in-law, and Hash. Remove Hash, 
 mothers-in-law, and quarrels, from marriage, then I'll wed. O my 
 heart thou art a widower the third time 1 I know I'll be much hap- 
 pier — happy as a bird still free to fly from Mrs. Gingham, whom, to 
 accept as my mother-in-law, would require more resolution than I've 
 got. 
 
 Moral : The things that you regard, see that they are necessities and 
 not merely whims of the desires. Mrs. Gingham wasn't a neces- 
 sity. When we cease to desire, we become contented : I am contented 
 without Miss Gingham. 
 
 A ROMPING MOLL. 
 
 Oh, you may laugh with more of scorn than sorrow, 
 
 That I look back on hapless love ; 
 Tho' tearless thine eye, a tear yet you may borrow 
 
 From me you laughingly reprove. 
 
 Because I love, then wasted on an idol, 
 A dear delusion that now lifts my voice 
 
 To her I censure as a Romping Moll, 
 Attracting beaux with ways not over nice. 
 
 Smiling at every fop that met thy looks. 
 
 Where was the sense shown doing that ? 
 Maxims for it are not in good books, 
 
 But matter it gives to gossips who chat. 
 
44 
 
 OLR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 She loved me but to despise me,. 
 
 The' she showed no hatred in her face, 
 
 From me her glances roamed wayward and free 
 To others ; what an awful disgrace ! 
 
 I suppose you don't like to hear this confessed ; 
 
 Soon you may say farewell to me again ; 
 Well, you may blush at what I've expressed, 
 
 I call it not love what I now blame. 
 
 Hearts, when in love, may lose their sweetness 
 Even here in the country where you reside ; 
 
 Lost affection from mine, gone with excess, 
 
 As wealth leaves the rich on paths of lavish pride. 
 
 What do you for that lost love hope to find 
 In me so luckless with love and honor gone 
 
 To one as fair in form but fairer in mind, 
 Whom unlike you hath fickleness none ? 
 
 Upon a fair morn, before the season ends, 
 I hope to lead the fair one to the altar, 
 
 She's got from me the bridal kiss that tends 
 
 That sweet hymenal way with no fear nor falter. 
 
 Now my tongue, discursive of this purpose, 
 
 Makes the jealous thought across thy mind flash. 
 
 Be calm, though, don't your sweet temper expose, 
 You'd like to give thy rival's eye-window a smash. 
 
 But you may rail at her beauty in vain ; 
 
 Too long have I here a sojourner been, 
 Friendless, hoping thy affection to gain, 
 j^ But no more for thee waiting, not being so green. 
 
 \ x^i»:^r/iV"^ ^5^^/r _.«_ 
 
 
OUlI AMi::UliJAN HASH. 45 
 
 PART III. 
 
 ADVICE, 
 
 To the meaty evil be a stranger, 
 
 Where er yon go to keep health out of danger. 
 
 As there is in the world the good and the bad, it is indispensable, for 
 your own happiness and security from disease, to be on your guard, 
 so as to lose neither your means nor self-respect by contact with the 
 evil disposed. Where vice abounds, we need not look for virtue. 
 From the good you have nothing to fear. Rather live alone than with, 
 the wicked move. To be sweet you must be amiable, and he or she 
 who wishes to be amiable, must avoid Hash. If you know how to- 
 resist temptation you hold the secret of succeeding, but if you are 
 timid, your resolution will fail at the beginning, for the heart is weak, 
 so says the mouth, when the nose smells Hash. 
 
 Now, to those who, from long custom, have a strong desire for the 
 nourishment, and can't break it off abruptly, I would advise them to- 
 diminish the quantity each meal by taking less of it. If the supply 
 has been three platefuls each time, reduce the number to two ; but, 
 should you feel inclined to send for the third one, 
 
 Do not even a single morsel of it choose. 
 
 If you perceive it on the table spread ; 
 There untouched, uneaten, let it lose 
 
 All contact with your fork, your mouth and breath. 
 
 To know that which is, is the best of knowledge ; learn the nature 
 of Hash, the more you learn of it, the more you'll wonder how it 
 could be the means of giving pleasure. 
 
 Brood some minutes over it in thought, as if trying to solve the 
 problem in Euclid, then, get up, and give it no thought till the next 
 day, when you sit down at table where you are wont to sit ; there, let 
 one plateful be your generous quantity ; for he talks well who exclaims, 
 "No more for me ; the less of this the better ; what Tve eaten will last 
 me till I get married ;" but should the force of habit overome your 
 resolution to restrain its further indulgence, come to the table last, you 
 may gain by waiting, it will learn you patience, and that is a trait of 
 character worth having. To lose a plateful of Hash, by waiting, will 
 be your gain in health. Also, think of the association for cwrtailing 
 the existence of the canine race, doing which the Hash-eater may be 
 himself again ; you will have taken a worthy course, and the act of 
 freeing yourself from its trammels will be approved by many of those 
 who have themselves been released from the serfdom of Hash the 
 Tempter, 
 
46 OUR AMERICAN HASH 
 
 I know at first 'twill be inciting 
 
 A keen appetite to satisfy, 
 But, this the danger is that needs fighting 
 
 With calm resistance of indilTerent eyes. 
 
 Your landlady may think you are interfering with the most precious 
 of her privileges, and perhaps, with angry looks and speech, she may 
 try to intimidate you against the innovaiion of her Hashified rights, 
 but you must be firm, as it will be much better for you to destroy it 
 than to let the habit of Hash feeding destroy you. Yes, the danger is 
 to be near it. He kills old Colicy who murders Hash. Stab it — stab 
 it ! for, as it is 
 
 A SEDUCTIVE MEATY COMPOUND, 
 
 Take of it but a plateful and you'll be undone ; 
 
 You'll eating of it say, "I'll have another; 
 Upon my word, its nice, here Hetty run, 
 
 And on this plate put Hash's brother. 
 
 Thus, in your greed, you'll double the amount 
 Of food you ask not from nor how made ; 
 
 Y'our jaws will move too fast its lumps to count ; 
 A particle to lose you'll be afraid. 
 
 Next day, however, you'll abate your rage 
 
 For Hash that on the table looks so tempting, 
 
 Of the many ills it doth presage 
 
 Of indigestion's pains, colicy and griping. 
 
 One virtue thus it hath to make you wise, 
 Thro' gastric pains making thy bowels sufTer, 
 
 And making you say " what a big thing, for its size, 
 Is Hash, to make a glutton turn philosopher !" 
 
 •One benefit, thus from evil is derived — 
 
 A meaty evil that should be a stranger 
 At tables where we do not wish to be deprived 
 
 Of health, but where we go to keep health out of danger. 
 
 It may be though, at summer resorts 
 
 Inland and on the borders of salt seas, 
 That Hash is made for the many sorts 
 
 Of people whose eating tastes are hard to please. 
 
OLE AMERICAN HASH. 4tl 
 
 Hence, ihey take much interest in the work 
 
 Of making it so savory and so neat, 
 Seemingly to invite your knife and fork 
 
 Freely into the mixture of chopp'd meat. 
 
 There you go hoping to be nourished ; 
 
 You leave town, weak and languishing; 
 You go where the makers of Hash have flourished 
 
 Unchanged, you return home nigh famishing 
 
 From the country with loss of health and means — 
 In you the Hash has taken a deep interest — 
 
 He or she has filled your pouch with Hash or beans — 
 Four times a week, beans and Hash was the repast. 
 
 He, or she, will ask you to call again next June, 
 If your health and means will you enable ; 
 
 He, -or she, may say, " Be sure and come up soon, 
 I'll keep a place reserved for you at table. 
 
 ** You can't get board anywhere better than I give ; 
 My savory Hash, you know, is made first class ; 
 Its just the fodder to make you live, 
 
 To make you love, to make you kiss the country lass." 
 
 Who makes it for me .' Ah! Hetty's the girl — 
 
 The best servant that ever stript an arm, 
 To make your head and stomach whirl, 
 
 Cooking the products of the roost, the farm and barn. 
 
 HASH AND BEEF COMPARED. 
 
 Isn't it a shame to impose on the stomach with Hash ! What kind 
 of ideas can one expect from eating Hash as compared to the regimen 
 of juicy joints .^ Analyze them separately, and you will soon find out 
 the difference in the life-giving properties of each one. The effect of 
 one is to strengthen us, and make us fight in the battle of life, victori- 
 ously overcoming every obstacle of the strife through ambitious action 
 which it imparts to the nervous and muscular structures of man's frame. 
 Nor have the most brilliant and the most beautiful been fed on Hash. 
 Examine the results of the beef-fed and the Hash-stuffed. Mothers 
 of families may give Hash and slop diet to youth, but men and women 
 need beef. Notice the dullness of the one and the liveliness of the 
 other. Listen to the beef consumer's thoughts — how high they soar ; 
 you are convinced at once, that his ideas of things, in general, would 
 make of him a minister of state, and in his hilarity of good spirits, while 
 officiating in the capacity as such, to propose by telegraph, conundrums 
 
48 
 
 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 on flesh to his Majesty of the Cannibal Islands, who might say in 
 response " Ah me likee human flesh — me is so fontl ob de flesh ob 
 de beefy Englishman ; me no likee de American Hash man, he am 
 too tough — he am made ob de Texas gumjer rubber bull — he am all 
 bone, hoof and hide. But de most tender ob all de men me likee de 
 best, when roasted, am one ob de fellahs dat come here to make de 
 pictures." 
 
 Delicious eating for to give a zest 
 
 To royal jaws upon a roasted artist, 
 And yet to make the offering appear best, 
 
 Danced round to tunes twanged by a native harpist. 
 
 HASH, ART AND GENIUS. 
 
 Never, until I came here, two weeks ago, did I appreciate my pictorial 
 efforts at art. The results would make an amateur laugh — nothing fine, 
 nothing brilliant, in short, nothing high nor grand in effect. Devotion 
 generous to a noble soul, too skilful to be perfect, too great to be ap- 
 preciated, knowing all about art, and receiving my reward in Hash 
 
f 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 51 
 
 neglect. Two weeks gone and nothing acquired — my art abused — 
 my time lost, all through the succulent regimen of Hash. What ! 
 art, genius, respond to such a diet ? No — no ; iis a mistake to think 
 so ; the real energy for which depends on the nature of the mind. Is 
 Hash the aliment needed for its wanted vigor.? No. The impulse of 
 genius is of too sensitive a quality to vibrate the world's heart on 
 Hash ; its temperament is too energetic, too spontaneous to produce 
 thought at the obedience of Hash. Animated natures only can write 
 great poems, those unique productions that give the world an educa- 
 tion. Its a marvel how they come by such merits, surely not from 
 Hash. No ; Hash makes one's innate personality indifferent, ordinary, 
 dull. It turns the inherent bent of his nature so much, that the born 
 poet, or artist, becomes a barber, a shoemaker, or a politician. It 
 wouldn't be strange, if I myself should one day be occupied at some 
 menial drudgery for a living ; for, my excessive eccentricities variously 
 inclined, being stimulated by the use of Hash, may direct me many 
 ■ways to an avocation insignificantly, insufficiently small of income. 
 This would, indeed, humiliate the being that during its infancy was 
 kindly nurtured by its mother's sister, and instructed by its father, to 
 follow the strengthening ways of beef Mr. Beef, with thy permission, 
 I shall, in future, place myself under thy nourishing care, for the style 
 of my sketches, and the finish of my water-color drawings, will depend 
 a good deal on the strengthening impulse you may give me. How 
 otherwise could mortal artist ever be immortal master of his art } May 
 Fate punish those who say it can be done with Hash. 
 
 For things that mostly please us, we like to pay 
 
 In money or affections dear extreme. 
 Of heartfelt gratitude that may 
 
 Cause Hash and Love to be thy future theme. 
 
 In thy sonnets improvised to Hash Cooks, 
 Whose meat may cause thee tenderly to give 
 - ( Thy love to them in versifying books ; 
 
 Their Hash forever in thv verse to live. 
 
 You may thy happmess express in verse. 
 
 That Hash, thy crown of glory and of pride, 
 ,T Acting on a single epigastric nerve, 
 
 '" Drew the Hash Cook fondly to thy side. 
 
 , Together through the march of time to strav, 
 
 Hash making both thy income and her fortune 
 Which others greedily, through their appetites may, 
 \ Pile up for you at breakfast, tea and luncheon. 
 
52 OJjR AMERICAN JIA^JL 
 
 LAWS FOR HASH MAKERS. 
 
 Assemblies ought to convene and deliberate on the weighty sub-' 
 stance which is fast becoming the town-talk and scandal of the whole 
 country. It is useless as a blood maker, and positively injurious to 
 the stomach, the diaphragm and the ducts absorbent, consequently 
 the makers of it should lose their positions in society — they are danger- 
 ous to it. They abide among the purest blooded of your race, corrupt- 
 ing it by inducing the confiding to form attachments for it. The Hash- 
 ghoul may not seem presumptuous, as they wear an air of humility, 
 and are much prone to religion. Now let this explain : if you are not. 
 related to wisdom, the society ghoul will operate on the gentleness of 
 your nature with plenty of Hash, and laugh in her meek sleeve at you 
 for letting her do it, although you may speak in lumpy words of Hash 
 of your modestv being wounded. Hence, the necessity of passing 
 stringent laws that will make it rare to be seen on any table. 
 
 Many of those in authority who have sniffed up the savory unction 
 during receptions and entertainments, ought to, in return for which, 
 entertain the Hash question in their chambers and at their meetings. 
 A committee should be appointed to investigate the monstrous thing, 
 to take hold of it by the word, and fine all those who deal in the deli- 
 cious appetite seducer. Just fancy us, the boarders and diners out, 
 giving Hash sellers the privilege of provoking dyspepsia ! Tis really- 
 serious, a grave error to let the makers of Hash go unpunished. 
 
 We make a free use of the law-making power, then why not operate 
 against their free action of manufacturing Hash .? Where the measure 
 is rigidly enforced, and the Hash is vigorous in smell. Hash restraint is 
 possible. There should be no compromise with the vice, no com- 
 pounding, no blackmailing fees received, no points of law made eva- 
 sive, nor privileges permissible, but a complete suppression of the 
 abominable substance. There are societies for the suppression of 
 vice, societies against cruelty to animals, societies for the suppression 
 of free action and free thought, societies against free practice in the 
 medical art, which latter effecting to legislate for and control that which 
 they never discovered, desire to do all the experimenting themselves, 
 especially for fees. Now, I would advise the advicers to direct their 
 attention to something they can claim as original and found a college 
 for its expulsion from man's table, as an unfit article of diet : namely, 
 Hash. The idea is original with me, it is mine own, but I give my 
 advice to the advicers free of charge. It will somewhat tend to lessen 
 the frequency of their visits, and consequentlv, the amount of their 
 fees, by preventing a good deal of bilious sickness ; none but the penu- 
 rious of the profession will find fi\ult with me for this last suggestion. 
 My rule is, no cure no pay. Their rule is, cure or no cure you must 
 pay. Thus can we judge the man by his work and action. 
 
 As too many obey the amhoritv of evil, although evil is ihe dark 
 contrast to the bright side of life, as night is to dav, I would make it 
 my duty to mend the morals of the community, hoping by doing so, tO' 
 get support from the bad as well as the good. Now, the most happy 
 are those who are the most moral, and to be moral vou must neither 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 53 
 
 smell, read, hear, nor see anything that is awful or vulgar. For the 
 danger lies in the practice, and Custom gives her victims lessons they 
 want to repeat over and over again, for it is not easy to resist the temp- 
 tation for that which satisfies. So, as my interests would lie in the 
 direction where my efforts in the moral business mostly called me, to 
 keep Hash out of the mouths of the bad, and to restrain its name as 
 a demoralizing means of wickedness in print, I would try to get the 
 word Hash made an obscene one, by an adroitly phrased bill of attain- 
 der, surreptitiously shoved through the Senate. This being accom- 
 plished, I would then conspire with others. I would put up a job 
 against some one engaged in the Hash business. With a view to break 
 up the traffic, I would write to some manufacturer of it in a disguised 
 hand (or get another hand to write), and request the person to write 
 the word //ask and send it to me. Then with the profane word. Hash, 
 which I, the arch-conspirator, got another to write, I would menace 
 prosecution to the writer, if he or she did not come down handsomely 
 with a big consideration for black mail. The levy of hush not forth- 
 coming, I would go and see the judge before the trial came off, and 
 see if I couldn't fix the working of the prosecution to my own liking ; 
 but I wouldn't tell him how I had on the faith and confidence of 
 the dupe operated, nor how I had formed, with shysters, and detectives, 
 an adroit, infamous conspiracy to levy black mail. The news, by the 
 mouth, would be clear enough to those of clean consciences, but it 
 isn't so easily proved as the written word "Hash." That would be 
 prima facie. That one indecent word " Hash" would be all-sufficient 
 with which to make out a cause cekbre. Thus it is, the dark light 
 often serves those who in the bright light, appear to want it not. 
 
 OLD FLY BLISTER, 
 
 President of the Society for the Suppression of Hash / 
 
54 
 
 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 PART IV. 
 
 HASH, THE POET'S ENEI\IY. 
 
 No, no, bid me ne'er again on vile Hash dine, 
 Nor it devour at breakfast nor at supper ; 
 
 May dead my sense of smell be at the time ; 
 My nose ne'er lead me' thus again to sufifer. 
 
 Long member, up to sniff refreshing smells, 
 For once you've me enticed with odor 
 
 Of heavy Hash that makes my stomach swell, 
 My head and body be now dull all over. 
 
 Unthinking nose and sightless eyes, what use 
 Art thou, that cannot smell nor see 
 
 Fit substances that cause no bad abuse 
 Of my stomach's frail machinery ? 
 
 Where you're up above my sense of taste, 
 To watch the food that I may introduce 
 
 Into the eating saloon of my face, 
 
 Thy vigilance on Hash doth seem of little use. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 65 
 
 Next time on that, one eye without a nose 
 
 To warn me of its presence, you will find, 
 If near my sense of touch, alone with toes 
 
 In boots I'll scatter vile Hash to the winds. 
 
 V 
 Thou thoughtless nose ! to introduce m- to it, 
 
 My taste to feed with mixture almost certain 
 To make of me, from eating it, a subject 
 
 Stretched soon beneath the green earth's curtain I 
 
 But I'd much rather you'd live in my verse 
 
 Than in my gastronomical inside ; 
 Our fondness for each other have reverse 
 
 Of position, from me. yes, far and wide. 
 
 Scattered about the universe, 
 
 Thy famous nourishment be known 
 To others, forever in immortal verse, 
 
 How all at once you fond of me had grown. 
 
 What a grand treat it would be thus reading, 
 How thy rare properties could poems inspire ! 
 
 This tho' would be sweeter far than on thee feeding — 
 The eaters of thee swear and call the poet a liar. 
 
 Who, then, would come with laurel wreath to crown 
 
 The poet who had lied of thee in metre ? 
 Curses I might get in place of a renown, 
 
 And for you, I'm sure their words would be no sweeter. 
 
 No, not now shall I thy name indite. 
 
 Thou most luscious of all meats divine ! 
 Else you may get me into a wordy fight 
 
 With critics who might pitch into my rhyme 
 
 Instead of you, their censure to arouse -• , 
 
 Against the language of this my poem. 
 How I so long on you could thus carouse. 
 
 Blaming, yet muchly fonder of you growing! 
 
 Using thy name in verse with such impudence ! 
 
 Telling what effects on me from thee occurr'd I 
 How Hash thro' the mouth made my head a dunce \ 
 
 When no more in words thy name should be heard \ 
 
B^ OhR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 Wandering in my verse throughout the world, 
 
 Thy name, O Hash ! in eulogy well sung, 
 For merits to make thy eaters' hair curl. 
 
 Those hairs to thee humbly down to be hung. 
 
 My verse may be, to many, a useful lesson, 
 
 Not readily to eat of thy gross feed ; 
 For this warning I may get a blessing; 
 
 The dignity of Judge to me decreed. 
 
 My right, I feel is almost certain, 
 
 Spoken of, applauded in advance 
 For the good work of lifting up the curtain 
 
 From thee, vile Hash, who make dyspeptics dance 
 
 With stomach aches they bear with courage. 
 
 When thro' their mouths you rouse their dignity 
 
 Of speech loud with groans of mental worrage. 
 Expressly alone vouchsafed to thee. 
 
 For it is certain that two meals a day 
 
 Of Hash on the stomach are quite too many, 
 
 As in a week's time from sufferings you may 
 Not know, that in life, you ever lived any. 
 
 HASH AND LIFE INSURANCE. 
 
 I WOULD advise those who eat Hash not to hesitate but go at once 
 and gpt their lives insured. Fancy the anguish of a family deprived ot 
 the means to live by a father who ate Hash and neglected to get his 
 life insured! The Hash-eater who intends to avail himselt ot the 
 earthly boon of family independence, after the breath of life leaves him 
 should not put the time off till the last moment. Hesitation, in such 
 an important matter, should not be one of your maxirns. 1 hat should 
 be understood onlv when vou have a bill to pay, for he comes slowly 
 forward who is not disposed. Now, I repeat it, and say it louder, 
 hence, ye Hash-feeders, go instantly to a life insurance company, ere 
 the seeds of Hashdevelope themselves, which, in itself, would be a good 
 and sufficient reason for them to refuse you. This would be discour- 
 aging, for then your children, or vour widow, would receive no allow- 
 ance when thou art gone from their gaze. It ought to strike you that 
 the facilities now offered to effect a security, and to make your mind 
 tranquil as to their after welfare, are abundantly numerous. 1 he 
 rules generally adopted may serve to put you through an exaniina- 
 tion— your age and physical frame. A thump or two on the chest, 
 may suffice to pass you as prime : but should they, during the exami- 
 nation, find ou!. that you eat Hash, vou will most assuredly be refused 
 as objectionable. For those who subsist on such fare, have a long death 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 57 
 
 and a short life. You will be looked upon as a family confidence 
 dodger, a Hash fraud, solely disposed to operate on their capital, and 
 that not much of your capital, in the way of premiums, shall go toward 
 the company's own dividendc. You therefore see, O Hash consumer, 
 how important the reason and forethought required to augment your 
 capital in small sums applied to increase the capital of the company, 
 as the sums due to them yearly may accrue to you as dearly when the 
 unfortunate day arrives that the widow leaves her dead spouse to 
 moulder away in the cemetery. 
 
 Now, Mr. Hash-feeder, do believe and learn from me, that thy sojourn 
 here on earth is brief — that Hash will soon cancel your engagement 
 on life's stage. Therefore, be wise in time and get your life insured, 
 if you can. The company may rate you as prime, but your own 
 opinion may be reserved on their decision. "Tis their affair to find 
 out, and not thine, the number of years through which you may sur- 
 vive the ordeal of Hash. The ignorant take chances in lotteries 
 intending to win ; in hazards they expect to make fortunes. You 
 will know, in advance, the sacrifices to make. You know the number 
 of payments you will make until the last premium be paid. You know 
 when your widow shall come in possession of your money again with 
 compound interest accrued. This, O Hash devourer, ought to con- 
 vince you how convenient it is to exist awhile for the benefit of others ; 
 how gratifying to be assured that you can, with an independent step, 
 walk in nature with two hands in your pockets — one each side of your 
 trouserloons. 
 
 Having past an examination with the choice mark of prime affixed 
 to your Hashified frame, the company will take your money. Then 
 being contented and happy with yourself, go home and approach your 
 wife with a self-satisfied air. Tell her how you accomplished a big thing 
 — the insurance of your life for the benefit of her and your sorrowing 
 family. Then discuss with her the advisability of increasing your daily 
 allowance of Hash. That you have made a valuable contract with an 
 establishment that receives small sums from Hash-feeders to invest 
 them in government stock, real estate, speculative enterprises, big 
 building for the company, big salaries, all for the payees' benefit ; for 
 the liberality, as shown by some of these institutions, is indeed wonder- 
 ful. The amount of Christian charity developed by life assurance com- 
 panies who build with Hash, and operate with cash, is, indeed, amazing 
 in these speculative times. 
 
 But if your wife should object to this method of investing your capi- 
 tal to augment the capital of the company, perhaps it will be because 
 she does not understand how to put money out at a fair paying rate of 
 interest. She may be a sincere Christian, and regard these companies 
 simply as speculators on human life, with about as much humanitarian 
 sympathy and charitable feeling for the people generally, as those who 
 speculate. in beef, pork and flour. These views of the matter, from 
 the heart's pure source, whence her sentiments of maternal faith and 
 forethought abiding with her as a good wife and mother, may affec- 
 tionately incline her to say: "No, my dear, no — better that Hash 
 be banished from our table, and consequently thy life be prolonged, 
 than by using it, bring about a diminution of your own means 
 to increase the capital of theirs, as, by so doing, you will find youi 
 
68 
 
 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 life neither lost to me nor rendered in their accounts as to the probable 
 date of thy demise, thereby risking both for the benefit of others. It 
 would be cruel of you to eat Hash, to give thy own manhood this 
 enfeebling means of health, believing that you could associate yourself 
 with many men of many jaws familiar with boiled owl, and sell it to 
 them as the great national nourisher 1 Confidence needs a consider- 
 ation of faith in Hash as well as in man. Few cheap eating-house 
 keepers eat their own grub. They can tell a bear from an unshaved 
 barber ; are in the habit of handling meats that ought to go un- 
 touched, that ought to go uncooked, that ought to go unsmelled ; of 
 buying tough and boiling tender — so, as Hash is very much like love, 
 refining when it is pure, your dollars saved in a sound bank, with 
 interest accrued, will enable you to start a Hash cook shop. A chop- 
 ping-knife, and a few chunks of meat, at first, will be all you need to 
 commence with. The quality of the meaty materials, and your know- 
 ledge of the diet prepared ready for use, will soon make you famous as 
 a caterer among a large community of inert beings that desire to be- 
 come bilicosely aroused, and others who aim at power through their 
 minds — politicians for instance-^who will gain from the superior quality 
 of your own make, an intelligence of national affairs which they can 
 derive from no other substance (not even whiskey and tobacco), to 
 stimulate them in their high aspirations for office holding, or to the 
 achievements of wealth, the glory of their country, and their own 
 exalted renown." 
 
 VMi 
 
 k'vt' 
 
 HASH AS A REFORMER. 
 
 Who would be the first to call me great, 
 
 If I opened a meat shop in which 
 I made Hash and sold it to members of state, 
 
 My Hash and their patronage making me rich ? 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 59 
 
 Now, your principles proclaim this way, 
 
 Tis the merits of my Hash to thee that give 
 
 Political pre-eminence to-day, 
 
 Making thy platforms and characters distinctive. 
 
 It reconstructs man's state most rapidly : 
 
 All reformers call it grand, and why ? 
 Because it stirs the people up who cry : 
 
 "Give us new Hash laws, old Hash laws must die. 
 
 *' For long years you've been feeding us 
 
 On Hash made from the highest of tax'd meat. 
 And stuff 'd us with the aliment because 
 We law-abiding have endured the cheat. 
 
 ** No longer shall we in this low condition live — 
 Live on the nation's abject parsimony ! 
 While greedy politicians do us give 
 
 Dirty Hash, they eating up the nation's honey. 
 
 ** Having lived for, fought for, maintained its glory. 
 Thro' a civil strife of freemen madly enraged, 
 Who incited by Hash laws to make gory 
 
 Hands of freemen in fraternal carnage waged. 
 
 ** You still with greed of a state glutton, 
 Thy culinary appetite insate. 
 Feeding on the laws of sumptuary mutton, 
 The taxes of the government and state. 
 
 *' What party can be better than another, 
 That caters solely to that party's greed .? 
 Kindred of the nation we are brothers. 
 
 And should together at the nation's table feed. 
 
 ** Why should you eat steaks of venison, 
 
 And I the Hash, a party may choose to give ? 
 Taxes, and duties performed to the state, come 
 From all intact to make the nation live. 
 
 ** Our resources are ample to offer 
 
 The best cuts and joints of meat, possible. 
 To all who will equally proffer 
 
 To squelch laws that make our means lossible. ^ 
 
60 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 Aye, look at my coat, the shabby rag 
 
 Of protective laws against a freeman, 
 On my back, defrauding a ragman's bag 
 
 Out of a second-hand coat bought of a seaman 
 
 Who had smuggled it into the country, p'raps, 
 
 To evade the heavy duty imposed 
 On vi'hat he should wear, which often haps', 
 
 In the law's eye, to make a rogue in clothes. 
 
 He'knew his right to buy in spite of laws 
 
 That are burdensome, degrading and unwise ; 
 
 Here, the wearer, by the nation's greedy maws 
 And the shoddyites' too, is equally victimized 
 
 Out of his hard-earned gains to look shabby, 
 Trashy clothing making him feel democratic ; 
 
 "While Hash tariffs make the others happy — 
 Smugglers and shoddy makers aristocratic. 
 
 Now, if the governmen.t makes laws radical. 
 
 Solely for to benefit a certain class, 
 Why don't its measures be made self-amiable, 
 
 And stuff its own throat with its party Hash ? 
 
 Yes, I feel almost certain that it is through party Hash that from 
 being, as we were, the pioneers in reform, national government, we 
 have left reform a very long way behind us. For pioneering has made 
 us weak in the knees ; we were going ahead too fast, you know ; 
 hence we broke down, and in consequence, have become de«ioralized as 
 a result of fictitious prosperity. Our sepulchral looks show the pres- 
 ence of Hash in our political system as well as in our corporate body". 
 At our banquets we talk "freedom, big eagle, American chicken, 
 Columbia's big bird." Aye, very free indeed, and civilized is the 
 country where political intrigue is coverUy at work ; where a class of 
 men care only for their own selfish interests in the management of 
 its affairs, who legislate to make the people's means perishable, so as 
 to give themselves an independency of fortune. Burdened with taxes, 
 oppressed with laws, we talk freedom and practice tyranny. How 
 disinteresting ! how sincere is our buncombe ! Offering an asylum to 
 the down-trodden of old world monarchies, has made us the most 
 magnanimous creatures that ever lived, or ever will live, perhaps. Our 
 Hash laws and high prices are most digestible — they are — of all 
 other Hash countries in the known world — yes, they are the most 
 savory and disinterestedly administered — for, well — for gudgeons to 
 swallow. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 6) 
 
 HASH AND FREEDOM. 
 
 For we are high beings with big Hvers 
 
 Eating the goose that lays the golden &%g. 
 
 To the masses with Hash laws free givers 
 
 Of high-priced clothing, coffee, tea, and bread 
 
 For the masses are demoralized, 
 
 And to reform them this our discipline ; 
 
 Their eating turkey is not sound nor wise. 
 Hash will make them never do the like again. 
 
 For, with their appetites perverted, 
 
 During these hard times with no frugality. 
 
 Their tastes from foreign luxuries must be diverted: 
 To Hash of our home-make, a necessity 
 
 To call in those promises of dollars 
 Of which our treasury was the maker : 
 
€2 OUR AMERICAN HASH 
 
 Once I paid ten for a dozen collars — 
 Ten paper dollars paid I for my collars 
 
 Of a big financial issue * 
 
 So abundant in those opulent days, 
 
 For the government's promissory tissue, 
 Was legalized by laws on means and ways 
 
 To make the nation with its paper rich, 
 Seemingly blind to sure revulsion 
 
 In the value of necessities which 
 Advanced in price during the resolution 
 
 Heroically to quell the creatures 
 
 On the other side of INIason and Dixon's Line, 
 Who often with determined front defeated. 
 
 Hash generals on their war fields, many a time. 
 
 They came there fiercely with passion complete, 
 Seriously to quell the rebel enemy ; 
 
 But Hash contested on a retreat ; 
 
 Flight was the Hash general's ignominy. 
 
 Then there was urgency in Hash feet : 
 
 Heels do your duty through rocky crevices, 
 
 Till the reserved corps of our army meet. 
 Hash gets pensioned for retreating services. 
 
 The war m.ovement of the other side 
 
 Was better plan'd, better drill'd and detail'd ; 
 
 But every victory gain'd, open'd a gap wide 
 
 In their ranks, whose loss they much bewailed. 
 
 As their victories had in them no virtue ; 
 
 Their adversities began when they ate Hash ; 
 To the imprison'd they show'd no courtesy ; 
 
 Their Hash confederacy got a beefy smash. 
 
 But, the war continues in another name ; 
 
 Now its that of political hypocrisy, 
 *Twas then fanatics, the nation's honor defamed ; 
 
 Now its repubs. and low democracy. 
 
Ob'R AMERICAN UASM. 63 
 
 HASH AND THE CONSTITUTION. 
 
 Abiding here as one of the free race, and hoping to enjoy the pro- 
 tection of civil laws and privileges, I do not care now, nor in fact do I 
 want at any time, to be deprived of those rights, that sweet inde- 
 pendence which, with others, I have to contend for against the attempts 
 of misrulers and political rings — Cesarism, Theocracy, Absolutism, Pos- 
 itivism, Paternalism, Nepotism, Tax-swindleism. Tliese and the funda- 
 mental principles of the Constiution which have been so often perverted 
 from their real intent and meaning by the political Jackal, it seems don't 
 suit our views of modern political management. "The Constitution," 
 says Jackal, "was framed by our forefathers simply to mystify us." 
 Here opinions differ. Just fancy the Constitutional parchment written 
 in the vague language of Hash! "Don't its articles, rules, sections 
 and amendments, seem to all of us vague in meaning V Not at all, 
 Mr. Jackal ; I make an exception to your opinion of the instrument's 
 indefiniteness. 'Tis you who desire to play the vague constitutional 
 card to win at the game of unconstitutional law in order to further 
 some sinister aims you may have in view. In corrupt times, honesty 
 becomes a word for ridicule — the result and opinion of the base judg- 
 ments of political Hash-eaters. No wonder we are so bad when we 
 hear so many lies and so much false reasoning from their mouths ; 
 for, the politician's faith is in his party, good or bad ; everything he 
 does is made subordinate to his interests. His friendships are among 
 his kind, and when and where he becomesr ambitious, there is a 
 decline in civilization. 
 
 Thus political Hash has no conscience 
 
 For citizens abroad or at home. 
 It regards the Constitution as nonsense, 
 
 And desires to make laws of its own. 
 
 In one of the federative totality, 
 
 The regulation, I think, number five, 
 
 It says, politically, v/e are all of a quality ; 
 Hash says that equality is all in my eye. 
 
 That it means numbers who favor exception 
 
 To equality in every particular ; 
 That equality is a deception 
 
 Of Hash law — the freeman's rib tickler. 
 
 TYRANNY FOR FREEMEN. 
 
 Yes, Hash has altered your disposition. You were too quiet, and 
 we desired to give you a change ; your liberty was too excessive, and 
 we desired to reduce it with our reform measures and civil service 
 devices. We saw you were fit mulish objects of our ordinances, our 
 
64 
 
 OUR AMERICAN IIAiU. 
 
 commissions, our joint committees, our decisions and indecisions, valid 
 and invalid. And so, wiiat we passed in our legislative, our local, our 
 State and governmental chambers, you were to approve and not violate, 
 else, by so doing, you were to be put through the ceremony of doing 
 duty to the State. Having abridged your freedom of action, we desired 
 your body. There in prison, your liberty gone and vigor wasted on 
 swill not fit for swine, you'd have ample time to repent of your inde- 
 pendence — 'twas us who had charge of that. We knew the kind of 
 laws t© frame and pass, as the most likely ones you'd violate, just as 
 we intended, and thereby prove the most effective in raising fines and. 
 working into the hands of political hucksters. 
 
 Those who wield a power administrative, 
 
 Gained by leagues, caucuses, colonizing ; 
 By joint action of both houses, they who give 
 
 The people Hash to make them sing : 
 
 Dear independent bird of Liberty 
 
 On broken wing, down fluttering, you now bewail. 
 You've been too free soaring in prosperity ; 
 
 Hash hath caught thee by the wing and tail. 
 
 For a mandate hath gone forth that letters 
 Bearing any other but your real name. 
 
 Must be sent to tke dead-letter office spotters, 
 To open them and read contents of same. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 6a 
 
 A regulation says, it's imperative 
 
 That postmasters must all such letters detain ; 
 When asked for, the answer be a negative ; 
 
 You've no right to letters not in your own name, 
 
 Except when sent to a representative, 
 As in them you've no proprietary right ; 
 " 'Tis only to dummies, ourselves, we give 
 
 Your materials in paper, which to gain you must fight 
 
 Us through the government law courts, composed 
 
 Of judges of our own choosing, 
 W/io have been seen, and whose minds are dosed 
 
 With Hash decisions your letters refusing." 
 
 P'r'aps not even once did they look at the rule 
 
 Whose conditions unique and so comical, 
 Must have been framed by a shystering fool, 
 
 To beat the fraternity medical 
 
 Out of their property and privileges 
 
 Guaranteed and plainly designated, 
 As the Constitution justly alleges 
 
 In a guidance for them to follow created : 
 
 To make no unwarrantable seizures ; 
 
 All rights in papers must be kept sacred ; i 
 
 But this, the Constitution-violating curs 
 
 Must have upside down, the regulation read. 
 
 Hence the difference that came to exist 
 
 In their framing of Hash rules for dull lambs, 
 
 Who gently allowed themselves to be fleeced, 
 And one who would not submit to demands 
 
 Of political Hash-pap feed postmasters, 
 
 Who kept foisting their order illegal 
 On green geese who 'gainst it made no demurs, ^ 
 
 Till one they found who was more than equal - 
 
 To all the masters, and the General 
 
 Himself who to their rightful owners refused 
 
 Letters private, sacred and medical, 
 Because a postal regulation accused 
 
66 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 A private correspondence in signature, 
 
 Not belonging to any one else but yourself. 
 
 Not even your own name in miniature, 
 
 Of your own initials claimed by nobody else, 
 
 As violating a post-office code 
 
 Which had been whirligigged through the senate, 
 For a moral society whose mode 
 
 Of worded rules which, when I read, I did grin at 
 
 As pious twaddle of puritan bigots 
 
 Trying to mend that which they did not understand- 
 The social laws of man 'gainst creed of zealots. 
 
 Who, above you try to get the upper hand, 
 With laws of pious Hash tyranny 
 And dodges known as impious Hash villainy. 
 
 HASH ATTACKING A PLUCK. 
 
 Quickly I saw the shadow was to fence 
 Me in the interest of the society, 
 
 The Principal had for me " often went," 
 He said, as I was a curiositv. 
 
OUii AMERICAN HASH 67 
 
 This was an initiative for a fight 
 
 I was determined to combat, p'raps, all alone, 
 For justice, privileges, and my legal rights. 
 
 Bringing the issue in question to ihem home. 
 
 But just as I was ready for the court. 
 
 The institution took a Hash recess ; 
 My pluck had cut their proceedings short ; 
 
 They seemed to flounder in the Hashy mess 
 
 They had made of themselves attacking a muff,. 
 
 As they supposed — but with unsight, clear as a welcher, 
 The mutf had, with pen alone, scatter'd the stuff, 
 
 Thus giving their Hash regulation a squelcher. 
 
 I logically stript their law jargon to pieces, 
 
 Clearly showing what their ideas really meant, 
 
 That the post-offices themselves were places c 
 
 To which all such letters having been sent, r 
 
 / 
 
 Must be delivered as a contribution 
 
 To the caller, who had in them a right 
 As paper, so stated in the Constitution, 
 
 Of which rules they must have made an oversight. 
 
 After me explaining the distinction 
 
 Between the words themselves and what they said 
 As a guidance. Hash began to think some. 
 
 Seeing what a fool it had of itself made. 
 
 THE HASH REGULATION'S TALL TALK. 
 
 If any Hash be sent, by the Balloon Express, to any person who has 
 thoughts worth uttermg, the sender will be accused of alternpti7ig to incite 
 ml and demoralize the goodly disposed, and as a punishment the sender shall 
 be compelled to eat it. 
 
 And this our amendment of the article of the other amendment shall have 
 no binding force on us. 
 
 THE HASH BEETLE. 
 
 What a splendid blind is Hash to get place and compensation from 
 the grand party in power, for services derived from new political 
 schemes and restrictions placed over the privileges of the people. The 
 Hash Beetle has no respect for the rights of persons nor their papers. 
 
68 
 
 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 It likes to crawl in star chambers, and invisibly through assemblies. 
 Its political dodges are known by many names. It has wonderful moral 
 principles and vigorous measures for the masses. Yes, even when it 
 gets knocked over with a Constitutional stick, the beetle will roll itself 
 up into a hard lump of nastiness, seemingly dead — a dead letter in the 
 statutes — but only for a while, as it is sure to crawl out again from 
 its apparent defunctness into its natural shape, but with a finer quality 
 of moral gloss on its back, to varuish over some new scheme its covert 
 conscience has in view. The promise of good faith a knave gives to 
 find dupes, is the sermon through which the hypocrite hopes to con- 
 vince you of his sincerity. 
 
 Piety affects the superior region of his brain, 
 But in his heart you look for sympathy in vain. 
 
 The Hash Beetle's heart is cold in its selfishness, and wanting in warm 
 sympathy toward his fellow creatures. Beetle says we are all degraded, 
 low, unclean. That conceit should permit you to believe we are of 
 this nature, and that we must conform to your views of morality and 
 piety, is sufficiently arrogant of thee, O Beetle ! to make thee out a liar, 
 and an enemy dangerous to the State. Thou wouldst coerce a people 
 who seem not clean enough for thee. You want laws and means 
 (the peoples) to suppress slight faults, toward which, the really good 
 man tolerates, and is indulgent. Now go thou sleek, oily Beetle, var- 
 nished with morality, go and submit thy case to conscience ; it will 
 make known to thee, that thou art a pious fraud of no importance to 
 the world, nor to man of any real value. The best religion is the 
 heart ; the best wealth, honor. 
 
 We have all the morals of other nations. 
 And why not say as well, too, all the vices ; 
 
 But we sip reputed piety as rations 
 When we want a cover for devices, 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 69 
 
 That in other eyes don't look dishonest ; 
 
 Our Hash principles are much better 
 Made by us small potatoes of the best 
 
 Of dirty acts to make us open letters : 
 
 'Tis one of our rules of action 
 
 To pry not, but to keep them sacred ; 
 In future, the faults of that Hash faction, 
 
 Shan't again intercept letters to read. 
 
 For we found the rule was most dangerous 
 
 Contrary to constitutional law, 
 Which came near getting us into a muss 
 
 With a victim who gave us much jaw 
 
 Of tyrants, scoundrels, political thieves, 
 
 That could so tamper with others' papers. 
 Hearing which we only laughed in our sleeves 
 
 At him and our subordinates' capers. 
 
 We got a letter giving us counsel, 
 
 For us to render justice on the right side ; 
 That of legal meat there wasn't an ounce full 
 
 In all the letter cook shops far and wide, 
 
 To nourish the Hash family of beats, i 
 
 Who, in their ignorance, swallow'd the swill, 
 
 Feeding the head office with paper meats. 
 And, p'r'aps, would now be doing so still, 
 
 Had not a medical man cautioned them 
 
 Against the bad quality of the feed, 
 Too nasty and indigestible for men 
 
 Whose positions gave them more need 
 
 To lighten their faculties with the grace 
 
 Of justice, equity and reason. 
 And not their names and honors disgrace 
 
 With Hash rules cooked for them out of season 
 
 In the big restaurant at Washington, 
 
 While some of the waiters were out, time over due. 
 Purposely, so that the society's bill might come 
 
 To pass in the wide gap of absence through. 
 
70 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 HASH, A PIOUS CONSPIRATOR. 
 
 Now, what's your opinion of our equity, 
 Ye pious Hash-eaters of sweet liberty? 
 
 We don't practice vice nor impiety 
 
 Against the rights and justice of men legally. 
 
 We are incapable of all such tricks. 
 As variously working a detective force, 
 
 Putting up jobs against men on whom weve fixed 
 Our machinery's dark pumping force. 
 
 To induce them with tempting offers 
 Of great patronage in some industry. 
 
 Whose illegal sale might fill legal coffers, 
 
 From high-priced fines got by low immoral sophistry 
 
 Piously prepared for the occasion, 
 
 To let Justice furnish us the conscience ; 
 Keeping back the proofs of our own temptation 
 f' We to the accused from a distance sent. 
 
 i 
 
 . ' Yes, your efforts being in this matter to show 
 
 The Court, how ably you did interrupt 
 The sale of articles, Hash rules call low. 
 
 And which were asked for in the job put up 
 
 Against the accused, a conspiracy, 
 
 Assuredly one of your own invention. 
 To attaint the dupe and threat his privac}-, 
 The le\y of black ipail the first intention. 
 I 
 \ For where the bad exist not we must make 
 
 A good man's actions seem so to our thought, 
 . , We must his free existence from him take, 
 
 : And thrust him into durance where he'll be taught 
 
 The wisdom of right doing predominates 
 Over evils that need our chastisement, 
 
 In the judgment of our own pious sakes 
 Demanding no blackmailing recompense. 
 
 As workers more or less of authority. 
 Bringing your own made evil-doers up 
 
 Before twelve men, who, of the majority. 
 
 Have been packed to decide against your dupe, 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 And put a limit to his liberty 
 By perjury and defaming words, 
 
 Too oft the covert underhand dexterity 
 Of manufactured evidence absurd. 
 
 HASH, A DEMORALIZER. 
 
 Look in court rooms and see the degraded beings there, then ask 
 yourself the reason that makes so great a difference in the appearance 
 of the judge and the criminal, who, having transgressed on man's faith, 
 in man, has departed from his own moral nature. Is whiskey, tobacco, 
 Hash, or beef, the varying cause.' But, looking closer, we sometimes 
 see that the accused has much more grace in his bearing and appear- 
 ance than the accuser, who, perhaps, belongs to some order of beings 
 self constituted as a Hash society for the propagation of its own fulsome 
 twaddle and self laudatory importance, of how it can influence the 
 courts in case any of its members are arrested for embezzlement, 
 swindling, conspiracy to defraud, etc. A rogue thinks that other 
 people's honesty is only affected piety, and justice but a rigid punish- 
 ment to restrain free action on articles of value. In such evil sur- 
 roundings, bad whiskey and Hash, often struggle, one against the 
 other. The judge may say, it's the evil proclivities of the filcherwho loses 
 honor and respect in the world, that gives him his hi^h position, and 
 the opportunity to send the culprit to the sheriff's Hash-mill, at two 
 
72 OVR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 dollars a day for board, paid by the county, and the county paid by 
 the taxpayers, and the judge, the sheriff, and the taxpayers all paid by 
 the consumers of Hash, who, residing in a political Hash county, and 
 for the maintenance of politics and shabby justice, vote their lives away 
 by inches going to the polls ; their liberty by so many square feet of 
 surface coming from the polls ; and their property by yards of prepared 
 tape lists for opening and repairing roads, cutting through streets, and 
 setting up curb stones, sewerage, and building the lord only knows 
 what and how often, as tax jobbery, seemingly in swindleville, never 
 has an ending. 
 
 O ye supreme court judge, ye beef-fed judge, intellectual judge, 
 Christian judge, conscientious judge, don't let your rulings be one- 
 sided, for, by doing so, you make a farce of justice. Where is the 
 justice in the ways of getting it, if it costs more than we sue for.' Let 
 your honor reason ; your conscience do right ; admit not deceit to 
 accommodate itself covertly in thee — a point of justice that too often 
 swings on the pivot of judicial corruption. 
 
 Ye judge with a heart that can feel, and a mind that can understand, 
 don't be too severe, or you'll be suspected of being too officious. Con- 
 fidence merits a consideration of faith in man. Gratitude comes kindly 
 from the heart to him who offers pardon to the erring. 
 
 Ye judge that can reason and read the salutary lesson of advice to 
 the erring," telling them to turn not from the right path, which, though 
 it may seem the longest in the beginning, always proves the shortest in 
 the end. 
 
 Ye patriotic judge, opposed to tyranny, still encourage all those 
 
 Who dare to exercise their liberty of speech 
 
 Against the restrictions and tyranny 
 Of government, state, and municipal power, 
 
 Whose laws so oft make freedom's bird screech 
 
 Before an oligarchy of squashes 
 
 Who drink the milk of Liberty as feed, 
 And try to stuff us with restrictive Hashes 
 
 They in their arrogance call good 
 
 i Enough for us who must support bob veal 
 
 \ With our labor, influence, and banknotes; 
 
 i We've put the calves in office and must feel 
 
 The Hash they give us in return for votes 
 
 That many of us didn't cast for them, the frauds, 
 
 Who cook'd the Hash accounts in registry, j 
 
 And who now sip the aliment of sweet applause 
 
 Of victorious, political chicanery. ' | 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 73 
 
 THE SONG OF UNISTASIA. 
 
 They are individuals of much intrigue. 
 Making arbitrary laws to keep their seals 
 
 In the federation of State greed, 
 
 Filling all the departments with Hash meats. 
 
 'Tis us who must judge what is good for them, 
 
 Otherwise they will us menace 
 With the same obstinate force they did when 
 
 In their last game they threw us the ace 
 
 Of clubs, which we took up on a rubber 
 At an awful expense, that still makes us, 
 
 When we think of it. bluster and blubber, 
 All through the negro, the cause of the fuss. 
 
 So to-day, ye great guns of liberty, 
 
 As yet our big spread of earth remains in tact, 
 Once ye saved it from a split-up rivalry, 
 
 But we've not, as yet, quite mended that big crack 
 
 Its boiler got, with salve conciliate 
 
 To anoint our friends South equitably; 
 
 With arrogant vanity we still them hate, 
 Not giving them equal rights amicably. 
 
74 Omi AMEEJCAN HASH. 
 
 We call them pigs with rings in their noses, 
 And regard them yet as foes of the country, 
 
 Whose fences they knock'd down with their toeses. 
 And would again root up Liberty's tree. 
 
 A voice — not while Joseph knows it, old liorse ; 
 
 Buncombe old spouter you talk like a brick ; 
 Concessions to them would make matters worse ; 
 
 They want to return to the whip and the kick 
 
 Of our freed African fellow-citizen, 
 
 They who esteem us their carpet-baggers ; 
 
 Whom their old masters yet as cruel men 
 
 Denounce as wolves and confiscation jaguars. 
 
 HASH RULES THE LAND, 
 
 of Unistasia. Here are men in high places whose positions have 
 been attained through the unique odors and piquant taste ot Hash. 
 Now, what kind of people can a nation expect, in the future, if those 
 of the present day are fed on Hash ? Hash, during the past genera- 
 tion, has been the cause of all our national weakness, physically, men- 
 tally and morally. It seems incredible that this vast ct)untry of ours, 
 having an abundance of everything substantial, should yet be guilty of 
 the folly of making a random choice in selecting appropriate viands for 
 the attainment of purity and strength of national character. 
 
 Our laws are severe enough against the ordinary transgressor, but 
 contain few repressive measures to restrain the political offender. To 
 our tempers we are prone to give way ; we are urged to feel them unduly 
 toward those whom we our kindness showed — those who, ignorant and 
 passionate in election times, make strategic negotiations with the 
 masses for office — those who have no interest at heart but the people's 
 money, to get which, makes them more obsequious than slaves. 
 
 Let us reflect, now that we know their way of working the political 
 machine. Such knowledge of their doings at this moment is all- 
 important. In certain States we see two political factions at arms. 
 What is it but the hatreds of men stirred up by the disgust of Hash 
 voting. If our reasons have not become too dull to make their offenses 
 tolerant to the nation, we must stop being too generous with Hash 
 voting. 
 
 As a means of resistance, our duty will be to go back on them, to 
 squelch their rivalry of faction, so that they must obey us in authority, 
 "fis they who must submit to the wish of the citizen. We have the 
 power and know our duty to our governors, but we also know our duty 
 is only to those whose manners show them not dangerous to the State 
 nor the nation. Now, the nation's plaint of wrong is general against 
 the force of covert fraud. They have not done, nor don't do that 
 which is really needed by the people, for of their needs they pay no 
 attention. They take the place only for what it is worth, and leave it 
 
/7..^ 
 
 HAPH RULES THE LAM). 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 77 
 
 worse than they found it, for it has become tarnished with more cor- 
 ruption while they were there. They are good only to talk, drink, chew 
 and smoke, but to govern not, as their acts show nothing worthy the 
 positions they hold. 
 
 Passing unjust laws don't give security to the State. By their enforce- 
 ment, both the people and their means are lost through the ravages 
 of insurrection. Civil wars are the diseases of bad government, where 
 places are dispensed to men who give the people no proof of honor 
 for their peaceful security. It seems as if the party yet in power had 
 been put there to shackle free action with a cordon of vile laws that 
 will become, ere long, too burdensome for a freeman's endurance. 
 Thus for place, and their own advantage, they hazarded the nation's 
 life ; now they risk its credit and reputation with Hashy financiering 
 schemes, for, in weighing riches, they see that the balance shall go 
 down on their own side. Yes, it is one-sided party Hash that rules 
 the land and not the broad, wise administration of national affairs 
 most dear to all the masses alike. As cleanliness of body is conducive 
 to health, and as health keeps the body sound, so honor in its public 
 men, is the virtuous principle for a nation to make its people noble, 
 honest and happy. By these means each individual feels his true 
 inherent freedom ; that every man is a law to himself, that every man 
 is a part of the nation. To some this may sound like sentiment, but it 
 is a fact, nevertheless. 
 
 'Tis wise to govern with honor, and show a noble example to every 
 citizen ; for that nation is rich that has bright minds and good hearts ; 
 but great power from small minds we must not expect. What do they 
 give to the nation.? Is it original knowledge, original literature, orig- 
 inal morality, or original Hash politics ? Does the latter support the 
 State, or the State support the mak-^r.? Always the great wrong to- 
 the people is the great fault — the reason why nations perish. It vould 
 be possible to avert this calamitous calamity, were the public good 
 not sacrificed to fraud — were the right sort of men selected to guide the 
 nation to glory — -men who don't eat Hash, who know its unfitness to 
 make jaws chatter on high diplomacy — who know tl ? strong must 
 work, the infirm get assistance, the poor receive alms, the bad be 
 taught good, the wicked righteousness, and grace and honor be ac- 
 corded to merit. Such men would be a credit to the nation. But 
 you may doubt and still be indifferent to the remedy, which is avoid- 
 ance of the cause that may yet lead to a terrible combat, instigated by 
 the wild extreme of jarring passions. 
 
 Now, if we desire to struggle nobly against the impending doom of 
 the big Yankee nation, we must be more moderate in our use of Hash 
 politics, and rely for stability of good government on the virtues of 
 beef — wise beef— intelligent beef — plucky beef, quick and determined 
 to strangle the scorpion of sedition — alert and ever ready to hazard the 
 urgent battle of right against wrong, at the ballot-box. 
 
 Yes, we must place more faith in tender, juicy joints — joints of solid 
 prosperity, with which to infuse pure animal spirits in our present 
 abject, disheartened people, as a result of Hash railroad failures. Hash 
 strikes. Hash trade-unions, Hash protective sausage rings, and broken 
 Hash banks. 
 
 Any one who has the means, now-a-days, to experiment on the luxury 
 
78 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 of tender beef, can prove this by eating a joint. After his teeth have 
 jointly disjointed the joint, or a part thereof of the aforesaid first part 
 of the joint, bought in a joint-stock batcher's shop, he will hence 
 away on fleet hoof, swift as an Arab steed, to buy horses, houses, lots, 
 yachts, dogs. But let him substitute Hash for beef, and the arrange- 
 ment of his plans of purchase will, in forge tfulness, make him happy, 
 defying the trouble to get suddenly rich. The distribution of his means 
 will be divided here and there in small sums, reminded so to do by the 
 precantion that Hash engenders — the moral reason — because Hash, 
 being a product of economy, is only used by the mean and niggardly 
 inclined. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 PART V. 
 
 IN THE GAME OF LIFE— WHO WINS ? 
 DEEB' OR HASH ? 
 
 Now, those who risk their lives and means, and those who are 
 almost sure where to put both means and life safely in every part of the 
 civilized globe, are not the Hash fed. Hash never inspires risk, specu- 
 lative foresight and calculation, to do anything of the sort. As a proof 
 of this assertion, in its freedom of monetary action, no nation has its 
 bullion heart moved more than the English, to yearn for a slice of the 
 sound financial parchment of a nation not having silver Hash bills for 
 fiduciary refreshment. No, the English are eaters of beef, of which 
 they take three good square meals a day. It is the diet of all others that 
 touches most the British heart, for they take much interest in beef — 
 beef Irish — beef Dutch— beef American. 
 
 Land of the butcher'd oxen, boiled and roast, 
 Of which great nations use a good supply ; 
 
 Hence we know what makes the English boast, 
 And Hash-fed nations so much prone to lie. 
 
 Can" we through Hash, too, fight our way to glory, 
 As they have done by right of beef divine.'' 
 
 No. the Land of Freedom will achieve it slowlv, 
 If laws against the tyrant are not made in time. 
 
 Just think of Hashy offerings to our noble pride, 
 
 As a nation of proud freemen to bear : 
 Our titles should be beef — beef in the hide — 
 
 Beef skinn'd— beef roasted — tender beef to tear 
 
 With teeth of porcelain and rubber gums, 
 
 Else the envelope of our race 
 Will soon find out its parchment day has come, 
 
 Dried, warp'd, spare — spare in frontispiece of face. 
 
 Yes, our noble, great, ambitious race, O Hash, 
 Once, twice, three times a day devouring thee, 
 
 May in their pride of greed, yet get a smash 
 Complet-e against their immortality ; 
 
80 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 That future times may wonder who we were. 
 And eagerly from the mouldering morsel 
 
 Up exhumed by the farmer's plough, infer 
 Our race was Hash, so says this bony fossil. 
 
 Thou noble dead, great friends of nature 
 Underneath the sod to make grass grow, 
 
 Quitting life to give the fields a greeny feature 
 From Hash seed deeply in the ground sowed. 
 
 THE HASH FOSSIL. 
 
 Yes, those who labor in the earth may find 
 My own embalmd skeleton, a unique subject 
 
 To call the great virtues of Hash to mind, 
 The purest specimen of the Hash object 
 
 Complete in all my parts, most favorable 
 To show the grandeur of the Hashy race ; 
 
 From head to foot examined on a table, 
 Before a learned society that may trace 
 
 Divers most eccentric jointicles 
 
 Revealing in the epoch of my time, 
 How my life and body were corftiectivales. 
 
 During the Hashified glory of my prime. 
 
 All such knowledge they may put into their heads, 
 And choose the instance for a learned pow-wow ; 
 
 How from the dead body, the fossil leads 
 
 Them to wonder at its living habits, how — how. 
 
 THE SECRET OF THE FOSSIL. 
 
 Thus the time may come around, I've pointed 
 Out — the learn'd moment they may choose, 
 J To determine from my relics jointed, 
 
 i I of the race of Hash bear the best proofs. 
 
 Thus my skeleton may much interest excite 
 In them, my race and epoch to divine ; 
 
 Doubtless some may in the bony frame, sight 
 A remote resemblance to the monkey line. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 81 
 
 Thus m)' date of being — being obscure, 
 I not clearly to their eyes discernible, 
 
 Hash feeding having so changed my nature, sure, 
 An enigma in their minds ever turnible. 
 
 Thus a long time undefined, style me a cordilla ; 
 
 A dweller of the great Hashiferous sphere ; 
 A dem-oos-cus, a squatting gorilla 
 
 Embalm'd in Hash and lager beer. 
 
 WHERE THE FI.OWER OF MY YOl'TH BLOOMED. 
 
 Already I hear them discussing the date 
 Of my Hashified body's lost epoch. 
 " Its a million of years or more since the fate 
 
 Of the doodle-dum race their Hashy quietus got." 
 
 " This man lived among the volcanic rocks ; 
 By this proof here we are well assured : 
 See, this tendon remaining, sends forth electric shocks 
 Of Hashiferous shakings its body endured 
 
OULi AMERICAN HAS//. 
 
 " At the great Hash period when the world 
 In its bowels, from sharp colicy pains 
 Trembling shook the universe and whirl'd 
 The rocks over its anatomical remains." 
 
 AN EPICTICUS-OOTUS. 
 
 Thus I mav some day become a defunct 
 
 Specimen of the Hash doodledum race, 
 Cheeks, eyes and nose gone, back broken, shoulders lir.m] «i> 
 
 An Epicticus-ootus defaced 
 
 In the minds of some ethnological 
 
 Societies, who may get into a muss 
 Attacking each with mental cudgicals, 
 
 About me the f4:)icticus-ootus. 
 
 Thev may give to the world their opinion free 
 
 Of mv pepperneum pipe and plexus ; 
 They may say that my helium's inflexibility 
 
 Shows that I'm an Epicticus-ootus. 
 
 " The frilossous structure of its frame, . 
 
 And the place of its abdominicus, 
 Show it to be of the period we name, 
 A Hash Epicticus-ootus 
 
 " Its amphytric ducts, without a doubt, 
 
 Show it must have had a gusto-pylorus. 
 Which clearly proves it snift Hash through the snout, 
 The habit of the real Epicticus-ootus. 
 
 " Of this food it must have eaten often, 
 
 At breakfast and supper, and a superflus 
 At lunch taken with some sort of drink to soften 
 The Hash in the Epicticus-ootus." 
 
 Thus they may hold a learned discourse 
 
 Over the food it was my habit to use. 
 And the number of platefuls served as a course 
 
 To make of me an Epicticus-ootus. 
 
 Indeed, a long time these savants, with learning profound, 
 
 May the mystery of my existence discuss, 
 And wonder much of the beings underground, 
 
 The lost race of the Epicticus-ootus. 
 
OUR AMERICAN JIASR. 
 
 8;S 
 
 THE MYSTIC WONDER. 
 
 Jn museums I may be exhibited 
 
 To those who will look at me and wonder 
 
 At my race, and the place we inhabited 
 On earth torn by an earthquake asunder. 
 
 Of this the society will be communicative 
 With respect to my country and genealogy, , 
 
 That my grubby flux shows I was subjective / 
 To Hash as a food for life's necessity. 
 
 Then all the details of my habits 
 
 When alive, and how by Hash made a martyr, 
 May be sold in book form at small profits — • 
 
 At the small cost of a silver quarter. 
 
 " Step in, gents ! '' will be the showman's murmur, 
 " And see this famous mystery ; 
 Soon its lower jaw will begin to stir ; 
 
 This movement you can for a quarter see. 
 
 " Five minutes, as yet, ere its meal comes round. 
 You can see it move its jaws before the Hash, 
 They open and shut as when in life quite sound. 
 
 Coming together thus they grind, and munch, and crash, 
 
 " Tis the wonder of the nineteenth century. 
 To see it without life moving its jaws just 
 At meal time — the marvellous mystery 
 Of the Hash Epicticus-ootus." 
 
84 OUR AMERIGAIi HASH. 
 
 And so around the world, at some future daj, 
 To curious eyes I may be shown, how thus 
 
 I ate my Hash, and how it was the way 
 I became an Epicticus-ootus. 
 
 HASH, A VILE DESPOT. 
 
 Now, all ye Hash feeders who may read this transformation of mv 
 nature, be warned in time, or else you, yourselves, may become altered 
 by its indulgence, a^e, lowered in your humanity, the beauteous work 
 of the Creator changed — demoralized. Therefore, my enslaved breth- 
 ren, you must break loose from thy chains of Hash. You must rise 
 and conquer your liberty against your oppressor — rise in your might 
 over the tyrant, on your way to the free land of pure blood through the 
 general-in-chief of all strengtheners — General Beef. Aye, you should 
 serve under and devote all your energies to the service of Beef Not 
 before then, in this land of liberty, will you gain your freedom from 
 Hash, the vile despot who is keeping you down. Released from the 
 thraldom, a grand national party, as a side issue at the next presiden- 
 tial election, would force the suppression of Hash in loto. It would be 
 justly popular as the one thing needful in these times for the honest 
 citizen so long held bound in the trammels of political Hash. The 
 country has everything to gain by the measure, and nothing to lose. 
 Each voter, if left to his own free will, uninfluenced by party or self- 
 interest in his choice of candidate, would, by forming a grand total, 
 carry it through the polling places by an immense majority ; for each 
 free and equal citizen would then see that he was engaged in the good 
 work of suppressing the common enemy of his nature : otherwise, if 
 each free and enlightened citizen be not released from its oppressive 
 influence, each free-and-easy citizen who eats Hash, may have cause tc 
 sing at a free-and-easy concert : 
 
 Thou art a magnificent king to rule 
 
 Dyspeptic subjects of the eating world ; 
 Of agitating man you make a mule 
 
 Having no wish thy tyranny to spurn. 
 
 For thy game is that of flattery to the nose, 
 Wielding authority through its cooking art, 
 
 And by it holding thy subjects down and those 
 
 Who wish, O Hash, from thy binding chains to part. 
 
 Yes, the time has arrived for Hash to be banished from the land r 
 we've been subjected long enough to its pernicious influence, both in 
 our domestic and political affairs. As patient mortals, we have eaten 
 too much of it. It has caused us an excess of bilious, political suffer- 
 ing, and the low, ignorant manufactures of it must be restrained from 
 spreading the vile compound any further, or else the Republic will soon 
 be a-goner. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 85 
 
 Republics are lost through the government of the multitude, and 
 kingdoms which are controlled by one person are subject to the like 
 dangerous ending of their power from the want of some ot the multi- 
 tude not being installed in its services. Now, he who serves in a 
 Hash Republic, imperils honor to knavery, and he who tenders his 
 life and means to a tyrant, imperils bolh to a knave. Therefore, it is 
 advisable to those who would live peaceably and securely, to avoid 
 those nations where the least favors are shown to humble merit, and 
 the countries where the entire control of national affairs, are in the 
 hands of the few ; for the more your liberty is spread in the land gov- 
 erned by the many, the thinner it gets, the older it grows, and the less 
 it is spread in the other, your dignity is apt to become thickened with 
 disgust for those in authority ; one is blind to the people's necessities, 
 and the other pays no attention to their needs. But nations cannot 
 build very long upon injustice, especially in republics where honor has 
 to struggle against calumny which occupies the common mind. 
 
 O happy is the nation that is really free ! where there is no despot- 
 ism of any kind to wield neither political nor social tyranny over man. 
 There is but one true nobility, and that is manhood. There is but one 
 real aristocracy, and that is mind. The first insures you against dis- 
 ease, imposition and insult ; the second makes you the beloved of all 
 mankind. 
 
 Therefore, take heed of what I state. If Hash be banished from 
 Columbia's land, corruption of both mind and body will disappear. 
 The poor will become rich, and the rich richer. The ignorant learned, 
 and the learned more learned. The bad will be less bad, and the good 
 superlatively good. The frames of the weakened will become strength- 
 ened, and the strong so far physically increased in energy that they 
 will want to roll at ten-pins with balls as big as the dome of the 
 Capitol at Washington. The decrepit of age will be restored to the 
 buoyant feelings of youth ; and minds made vacuitous of knowledge 
 from lack of application, opportunity or neglect, will be filled with 
 wisdom. Fancy us, then, allowing Hash any longer to be the foun- 
 dation-stone on which the social building of society shall continue to 
 rest. If we do so allow it to continue as the corner-stone of our laws, 
 our government, and rules of health, it will be absurd, and incline us 
 to believe that man is naturally depraved. Of this degenerate seed in 
 his nature, we are frequently told to believe by ministers of pulpits 
 and judges of benches, who, depending, as they do, on the depravity of 
 humanity for their positions in life, get rich and fat through the many 
 sources of man's chief wickedness — too much attachment to the oppo- 
 •iite sex, and too much affection for other people's goods. Every 
 Sabbath-day are we not told that we have many errors, much delusion, 
 illusion, confusion, mystery, device, misery, evil, as a consequence of 
 ■our present system resting on so low a diet as a base — political, dietetic 
 social, literary, artistic, etc. .'' 
 
 Against all such views I have no opinions to offer. I do not care 
 with ministers and lawyers to differ; I've no desire to engage iii the 
 disagreements of a wordy fight with these supporters of long established 
 dogmas and ethics. But — but — but I must say it, yes, I m.ust speak 
 it right out fearlessly to all the world, Man is not innatelv had, as the 
 application of the Divine Spirit setting his physical nnd mental func- 
 
86 OLiR AMERICAN HASH 
 
 lions and faculties agreeably working is good. For it must seem 
 absurd to any reflecting mind, that the Divine Spirit of goodness inhe- 
 rent in man's nature, should, through the spiritual force of Divine 
 Will, be directed to commit evil, as the Mind or Will Power that 
 could dictate the wrong would, equally have the power to restrain the 
 tendency to evil. 
 
 But my opinions of man's depravity are, that man's nature has 
 become changed by impositions of all kinds practised on it from its 
 youth up, by evil advice and the wicked example of old frauds whc 
 initiate him in dark and covert dodges of Society Hash, to furthei 
 selfish interests, and which craftily affecting the interior of his spongy 
 cerebellum, permits the sucked-up cabalistic essence of materialistic 
 untruths to lodge in his mind. 
 
 Yes, I say it again, inferring from what I know of him during the 
 few innocent years of his budding infancy, that man is born naturally 
 good — goodness leads and follows him. The smooth working of his 
 perfect organism and faculties, and the divine sentiments of his heart, 
 accord with the smooth truths of inherent divinity in his nature. But 
 it is here on earth, in the present Hashy condition it is in, that his 
 nature, in its juvenile days, becomes contaminated by Hash, the 
 Demoralizer. 
 
 PART VI, 
 
 IN THE MOUTH OF COLUMBIA. 
 
 ]\Iy dear, kind motherly aunt, who fed me tenderly. 
 
 With the prudent food of justice and of truth, 
 For which I thanked her very sincerely 
 
 Ere I left the presence of her sheltering roof, 
 
 To wander from State to State like a tramp. 
 
 In a land of liberty so called, 
 Now comparably distinct, but with a stamp 
 
 Showing no difference, no distinction at all, 
 
 In its workings, from that of an empire, 
 To a people Hash laws degradingly lower 
 
 With a despotism absolute, entire, 
 
 Wielded by the hands of organized power 
 
 Over their industry, commerce, and rights, 
 With favorite, special, and Hashified laws 
 
 Enforced with the concurrence of judicial might 
 Against all w^ho oppose them with jaws and paws. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 "^^ Dear boy, I feel solicitous for thy happiness, 
 Away from the homestead and my care. 
 In this land having no distinctive class 
 
 To guard your property from dangers where 
 
 " The scheming frauds of trickery preside 
 Over it, in secret combinations 
 Of low politicians who far and wide 
 
 May filch it with their taxing operations." 
 
 ^Twas thus the kind lady began to fret 
 
 At my safety in New York land, 
 Saying I would there my sojourn regret, 
 
 Eating the cold comfort of Hash too much cann'd. 
 
 *' But its a part of your own household, dear ma, 
 A state of wealth and activity — 
 A branch of the same race, you know, who are 
 Linked to us by ties of kindred reciprocity. '' 
 
 " But my daughter, Unistasia, is yet a mere child, 
 Unacquainted with the necessities 
 Of making her politicians more mild 
 In their factious, political massacres." 
 
 *' Imagination gains force by the distance, aunt. 
 Of news sent to it from strange countries ; 
 We highly color that which is only apparent — 
 A varnishing of national eccentricities. 
 
 " But I can help my cousin, Unistasia, 
 
 To squelch those frauds of fair Liberty." 
 
 " How .?" " By throwing word bombs into their camp, ma- 
 Bombs that may burst their anarchal machinery, 
 
 " From which her nation is now much imbued 
 With part'^^s the people's means devouring. 
 And give them a taste of lampoon stewed, 
 Against their principles of Hash, souring 
 
 " The stomachs of the people owning the land — 
 
 A people gentle, confiding, but of mild confidence 
 In political frauds, who often demand 
 Their paper dollars under a semblance 
 
9(1 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 " Of putting their money out to public uses, 
 Of repairing, street cleaning, and building. 
 And many other similar abuses 
 
 Well known as political swindling." 
 
 " It seems to me, Quill, that your voice and words- 
 Are much too fervent these men to blame ; 
 The public cry 'thief if aught occurs 
 
 To show that they whiskey and tobacco gain 
 
 " Doing their duties carefully as public men 
 Who seldom gain an honest reputation 
 However upright they are, even then, 
 They are objects of public defamation." 
 
 " Yes, aunt, there's some truth in what you say. 
 For the public is a curious animal, 
 Do for it whatever good you may, 
 
 It will still fmd in it something blamable. 
 
 " For in this land of independence, 
 The proclivity of Liberty's tool 
 Is to skin the public eel with a vengeance, 
 
 Making the skinn'd, taxed mortal, an abject fool. 
 
 " I address my w^ords to men of merit. 
 
 Who here, upright, learn'd, obscure, look on, 
 Knowing my judgment from them deserving credit. 
 To every word I say will sadly respond." 
 
 " 'Tis a serious thing, that the learnd men of the State 
 Are kept back by political opponents. 
 Who from the resistance much capital make — 
 Capital for principles all that is meant ! 
 
 ** It seems to me. Quill, the principles are wrong. 
 And must some day lead to a conspiration 
 Of the people, who, determined and strong. 
 Will change the method witn indignation. ' 
 
 ** Yes, aunt, they're ripe now for violent action ; 
 Both Republican and Democratic hordes 
 Are divided into splits and factions, 
 
 Rampant to collide from agitating words. ' 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. gj 
 
 " Are you sure, Quill ?" Yes, aunt. Discussion oft irritates 
 Both parties, politically wounding each side, 
 But I know a method that would mike 
 
 All their thoughts of violence be set aside." 
 
 " How so, Quill?" "Well, aunt, during a big discussion 
 Of the two excited parties, while in passion, 
 I would give them for their services a cushion 
 Stuffed with Hash, on which in this fashion, 
 
 " They could take a back seat and repose 
 Their beery loggerheads with pleasure, 
 And see that talented men the offices composed — 
 Retired merchants, men of means and leisure, 
 
 " Who alone content to render duty 
 
 To the State, without a cent of pay, 
 Hash mouths would then on civil rights be mute, 
 Giving the people their just rights in a right way." 
 
 " That's just like you. Quill : your head is full of notions , 
 Your scheme's a very bold method, I must say, 
 For the people of Unistasia's nation, 
 
 Whose custom it has been, and is to this day, 
 
 " To be stirred up by party agitation 
 
 From a lethargy that else might ensue. 
 Had not their minds this source of irritation, 
 To make them note down what their rulers do.' 
 
 " Aunt, I didn't view my scheme in that direction, 
 'Tis only as a remedy that might influence 
 The expulsion of Hash ignorance from election — 
 A learn'd man for office instead of a dunce. 
 
 And further as a cure for the Hash evil, 
 
 Fd remove the lucre consideration 
 Of money for services civil : 
 
 This itself would make an alteration, 
 
 " In the disease of which Fve taken notes. 
 Affecting the system wilh a mockery 
 Of swallowing far too many votes, — 
 Causing us to suffer from political quackery." 
 
92 OUR AMERICAS' HASH. 
 
 But don"t the people. Quill, by this means gain their rights ? 
 Doesn't the system say they're equal to their equals?" 
 ' Yes, aunt ; to cast their votes for a party's choice, 
 As thousands are told to do, or lose their meals 
 
 ' If they don't vote for their bosses' interest 
 Against their own views and principles 
 Of free thought in their choice of the best 
 Men whom they regard as individuals 
 
 " Fittest for the national sovereignty 
 Of equality in all things, save one, 
 
 Or two, perhaps, intelligence and divinity 
 Of moral character that is looked u{)on 
 
 " By them, as paramount above all else, 
 To constitute a sound society 
 Not based alone on family pride or pelf, 
 
 Much the greed of Freedom's Land of Liberty 
 
 " Wherein the shystering national enemy 
 
 Abounds collusive with and among men of state, 
 Flourishing in corrupt bribery, 
 
 A sample of which we've seen here of la'.e, 
 
 " With their counts, and ct)unter counts counting 
 
 Plates of Hash votes, others from those plates backing 
 To the other side of Hash, there amounting 
 To no account from corrupt party hacking. 
 
 ' These dissensions are from the system 
 
 Inseparable, each party having its own way 
 Of cooking the national Hash, good or mean, 
 And eating the aliment solely for pay. 
 
 " For thev cannot unite in one group 
 Politically for the imiform benefit 
 And honor of the nation at large, nor stoop 
 And elevate iis grandeur by making it 
 
 " In science, literature, and art, as great 
 
 In these as we've done in the mechanical. 
 To cope with other worlds of older date. 
 Who view us as strange and remarkable 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 ■" For active character and enterprise ; 
 
 But lost in the consideration of time 
 We waste over political merchandise. 
 
 Counting- this vote is yours, and that vute is mine, 
 
 " I must go in, and you must go out 
 
 Of ofHce — office being the sole motive 
 Of patriotism and honor, without 
 Any Hash bribes given as a votive 
 
 " Offering to me for helping that Hash 
 Scheme of book Pirates to pass, 
 So that Pirate may get rich on foreign trash." 
 
 BOOK PIRATE, THE BRAIN CANNIBAL. 
 
 He pilfers, thus sanctioned by government 
 
 So to do, as we Unistasians are fools, 
 Who with the law's complicity and intent, 
 
 Let him drink wine out of author's skulls, 
 
 To wash down the Hash of Pirate snarling 
 
 At some native author in a garret, 
 Who poor, unknown, to keep himself from starving, 
 
 Asked the Pirate to be kind enough and take 
 
 His work and publish for each conjointly. 
 
 Mutually dividing the proceeds 
 Of profit from copies sold equitably, 
 
 To save the author from starvation's needs. 
 
 " Not I," says Pirate, " though great his genius be ; 
 Native talent,' here in the States, aint worth a fig ; 
 There's no money in it, hence that of me 
 
 Publishing unbought foreign works makes a book prij 
 
 " For here I can appropriate as mine, 
 
 A foreign author's work of fame and prestige. 
 In any branch of the literary line, 
 
 And pay him ne'er a dollar of percentage 
 
 From the sales of his work excellent. 
 
 Which the public with avidity devours — 
 
 Wondering at the mind of foreign talent. 
 Thus caring not for the talented of ours. 
 
9f) 
 
 OVE AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 Who are injured by this sort of stealing 
 
 From others whose rights, too, need preserving: 
 
 With the same honor, and the same feeling 
 Of injustice done the native deserving 
 
 From book knavery, legal protection 
 
 Against all such piratical thugs, 
 Now curbing the genius of the nation, 
 
 And making of Pirates big bugs. 
 
 HASH LAWS AND HASH FRAUDS. 
 
 Thus we see how Mr. Pirate floods the land 
 With works of foreign merit and of trash. 
 
 Against which to pay for he takes a bold stand 
 With money to bribe political Hash : 
 
 The instinct of the Hash animal to eat, 
 
 And fatten on the operation vital : 
 Foreign Hash is to both mutually sweet ; 
 
 Better than original native food intellectual : 
 
 Because its virtues are felt in the pocket. 
 
 Where Hash laws and trash fraud's have an affinity. 
 
 Especially glad seen in their eye sockets 
 And cheeks wrinkled in pleasing grinity, 
 
 At the fine effect of the nourishment, 
 
 We do not buy, as honest men, but steal, 
 
 While through our protected machinery is sent, 
 The works I've pilfer'd, the trash in which I deal : 
 
 The unctuous action of which on our readers. 
 
 Keeps them swallowing the booky group, 
 It being cheaper as mental feeders 
 
 Than the rarer food of a native dupe, 
 
 Whose original work might meet with failure, 
 If I dared to publish at my own expense — 
 
 An American author's work, unknown, obscure. 
 
 Ugh ! my chums would laugh at me for want of sense 
 
 Who animated with the same intention. 
 Unite with me to use the bribing tickler ; 
 
 To defeat all measures that mention 
 
 An international copyrighting stickler — 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. yj 
 
 Against the further continuance 
 
 Of foreign book pirates, who as a class, 
 Injure our authors who try to advance 
 
 Native high food against free foreign Hash. 
 
 Thus, the Pirates know the advantage of keeping 
 
 The political doors always open, 
 For, if swung firmly on hinges binding. 
 
 The Pirates themselves might have to go often 
 
 To the swill-tub of their enemies. 
 
 Who denounce them as the real traitors 
 Of the developement, and the economies 
 
 Of native, home discouraged book writers, 
 
 HASH ON AN ITCHING PALM. 
 
 Hence the quickness of their operations 
 
 With bribes to further some special privileges 
 
 In Hash regarded as an aliment of the nation, 
 Whose gluten i^good enough, the law alleges, 
 
 In its effects so elastic and iungy, 
 
 To stretch across to the other side, where 
 Its tenacity, like roasted cheese spongy, 
 
 Receives the plastic and rotteny care 
 
 Of the intermediate eaters, who seem. 
 
 And being short of albumen on the brain. 
 Know that putting an egg in the hand means, 
 
 The fibrinous noodle will from them gain 
 
 A surplus of cash, if they help us 
 
 To attack Hash with the point of a fork : 
 If not, the other side will make a muss. 
 
 And call us fit subjects for reproach and retort; 
 
 For allowing the Hash of our rivals 
 
 To entry the country, without any price 
 Paid as duty on the digestibles 
 
 We swallow so freely, and which are so nice : 
 
 In their assimulant juiciness ; i 
 
 Much better than our own as a relish — 
 Ours is too dry, too stale with mustiness ; 
 
 Hence we must let the home product perish. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 UNISTASIA'S SONG OF THE SHIP. 
 
 Yes, notice our ships as they arrive in port 
 
 From their long, long journeys across the sea. 
 
 In their white canvass trim of the foreign sort. 
 
 Known as English duck — EngUsh canvass duckee. 
 
 We tax material of every sort 
 
 By virtue of our laws to raise revenue, 
 Save yonder trim rigg'd ship entering port, 
 
 Whose canvass of foreign make is bran new. 
 
 'Twas us who forced that ship from a home port away 
 Trying to make a profit from protection, 
 
 But in her case, the profit was made to pay 
 Others against whose goods we've an objection. 
 
 See, she still maintains her place upon the wave. 
 
 How her sails, with a siiflT breeze in them full. 
 Bend foremast, mizzen, main and stay, 
 
 Bought in a free port of Mr. John Ikill ! 
 
 Under our form, it didn't work it seems, 
 To give our own sail lofts the demand 
 
 Her sails to make ; we only changed the means 
 Of canvassing our ships in foreign lands 
 
 In such matters our greed exceeds our judgment; 
 
 But each one's thoughts on economy varies : 
 See our protected ships with cheap canvass bent, 
 
 Spread on yard-arms wide and aloft, where the air is 
 
 Driving the gallant United States bark 
 Into a home port under a foreign bottom, 
 
 Showing her owners were justly sharp 
 Evading regulations that would rotten 
 
 Their vessels lying idle at the docks, 
 
 From expenses too great to run them. 
 From high tariffs on their outfit that mocks 
 
 Their moral rights as merchants and freemen. 
 
LofC 
 
OUli AM ERIC AX HASH. lOI 
 
 WORDS TO STERNER MUSIC SET 
 
 As our natioaal dyspepsia of debt 
 
 Is for us all a great calamit}-. 
 Whose binding pains make tlie people fret 
 
 Over the strain of too much economy ' 
 
 Entailed on all industries taxable, \ 
 
 To furnish the enormous sums to buy 
 Back again our gold bond papericals, 
 
 So quickly bought up during the war cry, 
 
 By foreigners, at a big discount, to whom ' 
 
 Even vet, when- our funds get seriously meddled 
 
 With by Hashy financiering, we some 
 
 Of our new issues scud over to be peddled 
 
 Among them ; for whose prosperity 
 
 The sons of liberty slavishly work. 
 Aye, for the good of their own posterity ' 
 
 Who may have to eat soup with a fork. ^ , 
 
 Eor absorption, you know, gives a felicity 
 
 To those who draw it from the germ — 5 
 
 Our young life was one of spontaneity, 
 
 Ouick, active, alert, and verv apt to learn '• 
 
 ! 
 On which side its bread was buttered with sense. 
 
 To generalize the quality of the unction 
 Which has turned rank, in watery recompense 
 
 Greasing the members of our party function, 
 
 Which notably differs from all others 
 
 In its Hashy dangers and restrictions, 
 As we and the other members are brothers ; 
 
 So what we say against them are but fictions 
 
 Eliminated from the big bag of gas 
 
 We manufacture from the dirt of scandal, 
 To drive them out while in we pass 
 
 And rush for the spoils of office with a scramble. 
 
 We have said that this complexity 
 
 Is a composition of our nature, 
 Iri these offices to get a fixity 
 
 By forcing others out of them, sooner or later. 
 
Kyi OUR AMERICAN HASTI. 
 
 We are numerous to a high degree 
 \ In our principles not multifarious ; 
 
 "% We don"t stretch consciences radically 
 
 . \ As they do with their rulings various. 
 
 \ 
 
 Our lofty aim is rascals to expel 
 
 From the offices we have no wish to gaia 
 
 Save through our promises of doing well, 
 Our common country's honor to maintain. 
 
 For usurpation isn't with us a special gift ; 
 
 We're incapable of all such high power 
 Of self-importance to give us a lift 
 
 Above the people, whom our dodgings lower 
 
 To the mutton head consideration 
 
 Of so many sheep, to whom we are link'd by ties 
 Of kindred, of principles and nation, 
 
 To fleece them by pulling wool over their eyes. 
 
 Of honors we are double distilled essences, 
 Each one a purified, conscientious man ; 
 
 Sleek soothers of religious grievances ; 
 Descendants of the pious impuritan. 
 
 We've their zealous ideas and their blood 
 
 That burns with an intensity of hate 
 Against all those who to us don't seem good 
 
 And honest as we ourselves are to the State. 
 
 For you see we've now got the men in position, 
 ' To hold back ye fiery steeds with a light rein 
 Of constraints against your free condition 
 
 Your forefathers fought for seemingly in vain. 
 
 COLUMBIA'S REBUKE. 
 
 " Dear Quilly, stop your talk, that will do ; its getting too intcrcs - 
 ing, is this amiable gab of yours about those who feed and are fed tin 
 Hash. The culinary regimen is putting rather too much point to your 
 discourse. Of all things the most indigestible to me, and which 1 
 mostly detest, is uniting Hash talk with politics." 
 
 ' ' I believe it is, aunt, for here you have good reason to depise 
 it, especially when its effects are significant of nothing but gab, blus- 
 ter and buncombe, which have lately been dinned into the public's 
 ear from partisan newspaper trumpets. ' 
 
OVR AMERICAN HASH. KW 
 
 "True enough, Quill, such has been the quality of the words uttered 
 about Monroe Doctrine and Hasli war served up with sauce American, 
 to a friendly power. " 
 
 " Do you know the reason, aunty, wiiy it is forced on your attention 
 at the national festival ? ' 
 
 '• I can't say that 1 do. Quill." 
 
 "Well, aunt, wars only iavor those who supply the instruments of 
 death, and, without going into details about the horde of war ghoul 
 contractors who urge you to fight so as to supply your butcher's shop 
 with the sanguinary materials of legalized murder, a few of your poli- 
 ticians who really have the honor of their common country at heart, 
 are top sirloin steak consumers ; they eat it rare done, hot from the 
 broiler. It is this that stirs up the legacy of pluck their forefather^ 
 bequeathed to them." 
 
 "You are very observing. Quill." 
 
 " Yes, aunty ; watchfulness is the parent of security, and I have 
 seen a thing or two in my day, and have felt a sting or two from the 
 license of misrule, hence I can tell a nation of people demoralized and 
 disgraced by Hash policy in its administration of national affairs, from 
 one of better quality having substantial beef laws for its people." 
 
 " Well, Quill, I'm free to admit that some of my politicians' brains 
 are furnished with the materials of juicy joints, but notwithstanding 
 their lips are greased with the succulent unction of that which puts 
 vim in them, and makes them feel as willing to act as talk, my politi- 
 cal household is, nevertheless, furnished with a good deal of Hash. 
 Sometimes, just before an election, a voice will be heard exhorting a 
 crowd about the reason of this, and the wherefore of that, in my own 
 and my neighbor's affairs."' 
 
 ''"Very true, aunty, I have heard the Hash demagogue's voice fre- 
 (juently, but generally his ideas of your affairs come not from a good 
 article of brain food, but seem to arise from the unthinking product of 
 hog meat, whereas those of your rulers who show brighter faculties, 
 and whose gestures on the stump are more self-constrained, I notice 
 have been fed better, thereby taking good care of their stomach's 
 cleanliness." 
 
 "I think you are churning the sweet milk of flattery for me, Quill,"" 
 said Aunty Columbia. 
 
 "If deep lukewarm kindness is any proof of the lacteal nourish- 
 ment, then there flows a dairy of it creamily rich to thee, warm fr-om 
 the udders of my heart. Without goodness there is no virtue The 
 more true one is, the least wicked. So by good management and honor, 
 your household. Aunty, may some day in the near future occupy a place 
 foremost among the nations of the earth."' 
 
 " Hooks baited with flattery, Quill." 
 
 "He who'd flatter my freedom-loving aunt, would be too sweet to 
 live. I must sustain the side of my friend and dear relation, else 1 
 shall be blamed for want of gratitude, for you have nicely trained, care- 
 fully watched and nursed me with diligence and care. For this kind- 
 ness to me, dear aunt, you must not be surprised at what I tell you, 
 nor frown at my presumption, to make me fear thee more than love 
 thee. Your nation needs more merit for place and station, more loy- 
 alty and less law ; but if you must make laws, frame them wisely; you 
 
1(4 OUR AMERICAN HASH. 
 
 will then manage your household the easier. Before you pass them, 
 however, ponder, deliberate, think over them many times, then lay them 
 aside awhile — as feelers of public opinion. Then take them up again ; 
 question the whys and the wherefores as to the result ere they become 
 live letters in your statutes; for it is better to win your children over to 
 you with kindness, than with restrictive birch brooms to threaten, 
 coerce or abridge their freedom, as they have minds to judge good 
 from bad things as well as you." 
 
 "Do stop. Quill dear, you sly rogue, it's too thin ; I think you are 
 still churning." 
 
 ■'Aunt, I accept your words as meaning gammon ; but let my sin- 
 cerity crave pardon for the want of a better one. To tell you I'm as 
 innocent of gammon, as some milk is of cream, is to tell you the 
 truth. No, dear aunt, my words mean nothing starchy, nothing chalky, 
 nothing watery underneath the curd I churn. True, I've seen a cow 
 or two, of the famous Durham breed, at pasturage on farm lands in 
 the valleys where both the buff, the brindle, and the milch, I have 
 often introduced into my landscapes ; but none among the many cows 
 whose milk I drank waim from the dugs, during my summer rambles, 
 drank I of milk, skimmed from the butter of flattery, to oily gammon 
 thee to say : • Walk into the White House, Quill, your title shall be — 
 be Hash. " 
 
 '•Cheese it, Quili, cheese it, if you please ; delait such talk, or you 
 may set my own thoughts curdling sourily to thee. However, not 
 denying you freedom of speech, if you will talk, let your genius exhibit 
 itself in some other vein. There seems to be a voice innate within thee 
 vearning to be heard — a bubbling fount of patriotic verse unique of 
 rhythm and grotesque in words deep down in the artesian well of thy 
 heart, that might, if they were heard by an oppressed people, rouse 
 them up to strike a blow for freedom." 
 
 "Possibly, aunt, epics blank of verse, lyrics in quartrains, and 
 couplets to be dished up in distiches in the corner of a country news- 
 paper, whose editor and proprietor, for the original quality of its con- 
 tributions to the poet's corner, receives from its readers, turnips as 
 yearly subscriptions." 
 
 "You make me feel an unrest of impatience, Quill dear, to hear 
 thee declaim a couplet. Commence. 
 
 "Aunty, thy words of encouragement are to me as sweet as sugar- 
 {jlurns to a ten-year old baby. Listen : 
 
 " He who first condemns his fellow patriot. 
 Shall be the first one hung for doing that." 
 
 "Quill, darling, that plucky couplet springs from beef; Hash never 
 could have felt and uttered it. Now, give me a specimen of the poli- 
 tical stump trumpeter, as you promised." 
 
 " I will, mv dear aunty, provided you look at my gestures and 
 don't laugh. " 
 
 "Such levity, Quill, would ill become my dignity."' 
 
 "Well, then — Attention company! ne'er a right shoulder shifc 
 while yourQuilly, on the Democratic stump, personates a party mouth- 
 piece • 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 105 
 
 QUTLL CHROMO'S ORATION. 
 
 Fellow-Countrymen and Fellow-Citizens : In the trying neces- 
 sities of our positions, and for the uniform benefit of our opinion of 
 things in general, 1 break up in my hands these small pieces of 
 chopped meat, as you see, to show you the black Republican process 
 of making Hash of the States, with restrictive dodges of society 
 ghouls, and effete, old world defunct laws, etc., etc., etc. 
 
 These measures and restraints are but a part of the attempt to elevate 
 their dignity, as they suppose, and to bring us down to the abject servitude 
 of tyranny. Their laws, regulations, measures and restrictions, are for 
 the people, and the powers vested in them, solely for themselves. 
 Now, of this power and their movements, we must be watchful, for 
 they have declared it openly on the stump, in their platforms, iu cabi- 
 nets of counsel and through the medium of their partisan newspaper 
 organs, that a stronger government is needed. Now, we are more 
 than one who must make a bold stand against these conspirators. The 
 public spirit is our safeguard. It kills ingratitude in the heart of 
 covert fraud, and shows the country cannot long be governed with 
 injustice. No, my countrymen, before their egotism of tyranny, we must 
 not shrink, for ignoring theirs, we want no power except that which 
 is vested in ourselves. We, the people, are the individuals who make 
 and maintain the right. As good citizens we want no change— no 
 change is needed where hcedum is assured. But it seems there is 
 among us an ambitious class whose aim it is to stir up factious hatreds 
 to render insecure our independence, so that they mav sit as tyrants 
 where Freedom reigns. 
 
 [A voice — Buliy for you ; hit "em again. 
 
 Now, my countrymen and fellovv-taxpayers, shall the nation be any 
 longer misgoverned by a class of men who are only faithful to them- 
 selves.^ a lot of quill-shank schoolmasters, who, having taught little bovs 
 their A., B. C, got it into their noddles to make a new departure in quest 
 of government positions, so that they could teach us big boys, political 
 ^ynlax and prosody. But it mostly follows, that instead of getting 
 scholars they get dunces, for we'd rather be flogged than learn their 
 hoc juvat, as when a boy goes into a big orchard to steal apples and 
 pears, his efforts seldom prove />7«'/less. Now, whatever we do, we 
 must not take them for a pattern. Those who walk on the good way 
 never go wrong. So, our former honesty is our surety to make all 
 upright, and every man free and alike duteous to his government. 
 
 [V^oiccs — Hear, hear. ] 
 
 Yes, my friends and fellow-countrymen, ever since the black Re- 
 publicans went into power, we have become more numerous but far 
 less strong, for they have covered the land with debt from one end of 
 it to the other. They have issued various kinds of bills whose bonded 
 interest has encouraged laziness among the people, and the security 
 for the redemption ol" which, is an assurance to the holders thereof 
 that they intend to continue the enormous tax bleed. Failing in 
 this, they would be the first to repudiate, as they have not a single 
 dollar they can call their own. The nation is existing on credit and 
 ])romises to pay; and if it had not been for our own generous sacri- 
 
/ 
 
 / 
 
 J 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. 107 
 
 fices lo preserve it, during the late rebellion, new frontiers would now 
 be staked out and fortified with a Confederate race of Secessionists. 
 For it was us who saved the nation from a dissolution, and not 
 they. 
 
 [Voices — Aye, aye. Bravo ! bravo !] 
 
 This news, my friends, may be to them an item for astonishment. 
 But it is well that our posterity should be the gainer by the memory 
 of Democratic pluck amid the nation's trials and privations. This 
 makes our actions the more glorious, subduing the enemy on the field 
 of battle, and snubbmg the enemy in the big political camp at Wash- 
 ington. 
 
 Yes, my countrymen and fellow-citizens, the battle of freedom has 
 again been won by us ; it redounds to our credit, for we have covered 
 ourselves with glory on every field, whilst they in authority wrangled 
 over the spoils, dispensed to their favorites, their cousins, uncles and 
 nephews, political offices, and decorated shysters with the military titles 
 of generals, captains and lieutenants, etc., etc. 
 [Voices — Shame! shame!] 
 
 "Now, my hearers, what is your opinion of the party known as 
 black Republican, whose execrable name has blackened the history of 
 the States with bloodshed, villainy and tyranny? 
 [Voices — Bloats, hogs, tyrants — a bad lot.] 
 
 Yes, my friends, nothing do we hear of them that is good to advance 
 the nation's dignity. They call themselves our superiors in honesty 
 and knowledge. Now, this egotism of theirs they turn to profit as 
 bribe-receiving legislators — our superiors, eh I 
 [Laughter and broad grins.] 
 
 Now, their hearts cant be good if their actions are wicked, can thev, 
 mv hearers } 
 
 [Voices — Not by a long shot. J 
 
 Now, my countrymen and fellow-citizens, because a man is inflated 
 with Hash, does it show stability of character .? Not at all. In that 
 condition he may be presumptous — a big man in a small house, but 
 he's only a bloat, nevertheless, with a weak nature. Such a disposition 
 has never vet shown any true traits of nobleness in its character. The 
 shop don't make the tradesman, its the reverse. In choosing, judge 
 what he is himself whether or not he is open and fair in his dealings, 
 for he buys and sells character as well as goods ; the quality of the one 
 is as well known as the other. Both the shopkeeper and the customer 
 acquire their knowledge of each other by contact and conduct. 
 
 Here, then, my countrymen, is another item of astonishment with 
 which to gage the Republican party's reputation for justice. vStep 
 bv step they have encroached upon our rights. Recently, with re- 
 strictive rules and regulations, they have violated one of the most 
 sacred of .all our privileges — the mail facilities, over which they sit as 
 paternal guardians, spotting, smelling, prying into the nature and 
 contents of our communications with a familiarity as if our letters were 
 theirs. Could the espionage of tyranny go further? Shall such a sys- 
 tem in our glorious Republic be tolerated, encouraged ? Shall our 
 means be drawn from us to maintain such an inquisition in the hands 
 of bold imitators of tyrants who are only fit to clean shoes for gentle- 
 men ? Here, where the sunlight shines fairer ®n knowledge, <-••-' 
 
m OUR AMERICAJV HASR. 
 
 freedom and truth, shall we Unistasians, go back to the dark days of 
 obscurity and pine in serfdom ? 
 
 [A voice — No, no ! it can't be done !] 
 
 No, m\' friends, they are mistaken in their vain clamors of reform 
 and retrenchment, which is but another cant plirase for public plun- 
 der. See here, again, is another item for astonishment — a most adroit 
 fleecing dodge of theirs they call protective tariffs and silver bills. 
 
 Now, my fellow-countrymen and citizens, these so-called protective 
 measures are only blinds to victimize the masses as consumers. For 
 ever since their enforcement, we have been obliged to pay enormous 
 sums for every article we use or wear, either domestic or foreign — at 
 least from twenty-five to a hundred per cent, more than they are really 
 worth. As proof of this look at us ; what pretty specimens of free 
 Americans we are to be sure ! See us, the shabbiest dressed people on 
 earth, paying enormous sums for the imported and not much less for 
 tiie shoddy, domestic stuff", which latter, even when it is new, being all 
 shine and no wear, makes it too dear at any price. Now, don't this 
 seem to you, my countrymen, more like a privilege conferred upon us 
 by protective Hash lawmakers, as to what we shall, and shall not, wear, 
 buy, consume — a tyrannical abuse of authority over a free people — an 
 outcrop of insolence and ignorance in high places.? But this is only 
 one sample of the protection a victimized people get from the sterile, 
 absurd, execrable party in power, who are throughout the civilized 
 world destroying the free and good name of their country — who are 
 working against the beauty and enlightenment of free principles in 
 trade, as well as in thought, speech and ideas — who are according not 
 with the prime advancement of beef in this energetic age of slaughtered 
 bullock and steer, for the country in general, the whole country, our 
 widely extended, north, east, west and south, great, big, roomy 
 country. 
 
 [Voices — Hi, hi, hi ! hip, hip, hurra ! Tiger /'\ 
 
 Now, the question comes home to us, it comes right here to us, 
 just where we stand ; must our country be ruined, disgraced with 
 oppressive and restrictive laws and regulations through the machina- 
 tions of men who have been, by the bribing reins of scheming shod- 
 dyites and others, tilted over into the political circus ring at Wash- 
 ington, to ride the horse Protection for them.' Must beef laws of 
 good, sound, old Democracy be the rider to save Freedom's tottering 
 nag of bony states from final dislocation, dismemberment, disruption, 
 alas ! now hobbling on the road to the western star of Empire, or shall 
 Republican Hash still be the name of the jockey that will eventually 
 ride the wind-broken, spavin sprained, botched, foundered, one-eyed, 
 old Union horse to the devil ^ 
 
 [Voices — No, no ! it shall not be. We'll wade through swamps of 
 Hash, ave, dismal swamps of Hash, knee deep, ere that event of 
 squelching the Union shall come to pass in review before us, Mr. 
 Speaker. ] 
 
 Good, my friends, good ! It shows where your heads are level. 
 Custom, like a chest-of-drawers, stands in a corner, and the change- 
 ableness of time is not discernible on its outside, which may be pol- 
 ished and varnished. It is onlv when it is removed that we can see 
 how much it is worn. This removal is what the Republicans fear. 
 
OUR AMERICAN HASH. lO'J- 
 
 Now, generally, a thief, Avhen he steals anything runs away, but these 
 men rob by rule and take no flight, adding audacity to peculation. 
 But, aside from these defects in their characters, which the opportunity 
 and event have shown us, occasionally, they get inflated wiih buncombe, 
 and brag about that which we may forgive but never forget. Liars 
 should have good memories, but these forget themselves, as they are not 
 sparing of their falsehoods. For, in and out of oflice, the cheeky brag- 
 garts continue to crow like dunghill roosters over the Southern game- 
 cock whose feathers we combed with loyal, Democratic spurs, at the 
 late main. 
 
 [Voices — Bully for you ! hit 'em again. 
 
 And yet, again, my hearers, countrymen and citizens, what are 
 Republicans.? What are they made of.?" 
 
 ' ' Hash ! ■' 
 
 Yes, my fellow-countrymen, they are made of Hash — of dirty 
 Hash inwardly, with a pretentious clean outside worn as a disguise — a 
 blind for respectability ; for every one knows, that knows anything at 
 all of his country's political history, that they are the refuse of all other 
 ])arties — a sort of political garbage, which must be put into a Demo- 
 cratic scow. -and dumped over on Muck Island, at the next presiden- 
 tial election. P'or if we don't do it, then who knows what may or may 
 not follow ? Therefore, let us be prudent and abide our time. Let 
 us canvass our strength and convince our erring friends who have 
 joined them, the necessity of a change in the government of the country, 
 else, as it has been, so far, Hash Republicanism will still continue to 
 be your covert enemy ; for it confiscates your property to robbery; it 
 tampers with your rights and privileges social, civil and commercial — 
 in a word, your freedom, so called, under its authority, is nothings 
 more nor less than a yoke of Autocracy in disguise. 
 
 Now, my friends, I must tell you seriously that the permanency of 
 this species of Absolutism in our land, is the great danger to which we 
 are exposed. But before you lose heart, of this be assured, to its 
 authority, its usages and abuses we must not submit. Tyranny is a 
 power that forces itself upon a good nature, but when it causes others 
 to suff"er, it is no longer a power, as the weak and down-trodden by it, 
 asserting their rights fearlessly, forces it to succumb. Thus the power 
 of tyranny is weakened when the spirits of the oppressed are strong. 
 
 Therefore, my friends, fellow-countrymen and citizens, in conclud- 
 ing my speech, I would say, that when a man loses his means and his 
 liberty, he loses ,that which is dear to him, and rather than both of 
 these blessings, or even one of them, s'nould be taken from you by 
 political tyrants and pilferers, who are as greedy of small fish as rav- 
 enous sharks, you will show true courage in brave souls by taking a firm 
 hold of the black Republican chain, and breaking it, link by link, 
 into smithereens of scrape-iron, that it may rust, it is hoped, forever 
 under ground. Such is the remedy, my attentive hearers, for the evils 
 we endure. 
 
no OUR AMERICAN HASH 
 
 COLUMBIA IN TEARS. 
 
 Now, what do you think ot my tongue-talk speechified, as a speci- 
 men of spread eagle oratory, my freedom loving aunt?" 
 
 "Alas! my poor country, thou art wearing the black drape i>f 
 -misfortune for the death of Freedom." 
 
 "Dear aunt, don't be affected. Let there be more smiles on thy 
 ,lip3 than tears in thine eyes. I didn"t intend to rouse thy feelings to 
 the sobbin^ point. Here, take this piece of starry bunting and wipe 
 your peepers dry. What do you think of my speech, aunty .^" 
 
 " Muggins — alas ! thou art ob.scured from the precious light of 
 .heaven ! Oh ! it is a great misfortune !" 
 
 " Dear me, have I touched my aunty's heart.'" 
 
 "You have Quill, but youve not lost my friendship." 
 
 "Well, judge the fault as mine, aunty, and let thy emotions cease 
 to flow through affected channels. We'll yet take the good, old ship 
 Democracy from the bank on which she lies stranded, and with fair 
 convincing winds of truth whispered in the nation's ear, bring her safely 
 into port again." 
 
 "Of thy wisdom and eloquence, Quill, I am convinced. You must 
 foro-ive me, darling nephew. I was too seriously occupied with my 
 6>\vn feelings, to answer your questions promptly.'' 
 
 " No apology is necessary, dear aunt. You are a woman with a big 
 iheart, and that can beat independent of your brains." 
 
 " Well, nephew, without asking me again about your speech, I 
 must admit there is a great deal of merit in it, and a good deal of truth 
 too, and I being the one mostly interested, I couldn't help but feel 
 the effect of your eloquence and declamation, although the frantic 
 way in which you moved your arms and body, appeared to me, as if 
 .some one had struck you with a sausage. However, taking it by the 
 word, the oration can have my opinion as being a masterly effort of 
 f)ne who has never studied to acquire glory on the rostrum a la Cicero 
 and Demosthenes. All honor to you, Quill, the credit is thine : for 
 what you've said, is alas ! too true, how 
 
 *' The Republicans make laws, but the liberty 
 
 They take with those laws, in my young days, 
 Seems like the progress of instability. 
 
 But my new craft is original in many ways — 
 
 •" Yes, aunt, the Rep'ubs. have .shown great force of activity, 
 A high pressure power of taxing extreme, 
 Whose superior quality of liberty 
 Is but one of the blessings we gain 
 
 "' From the butter of organized rations 
 
 On Unistasia's big slice of earth spread, 
 Politically ours as compensations 
 
 From their national bakers of party bread. 
 
OUR AMERICAN UA&H, \\. 
 
 ■■" To further our progress economic ; 
 
 To daily consume tlie native product ; 
 To increase our knowledge politic : 
 To learn civility and good conduct." 
 
 " 1 know, Quill, you've got your aunty"::; courage, 
 (R. ting me on the back in tender extreme,) 
 I understand your mission you young sage : 
 The true ideas of what your talents mean. 
 
 (jo, let your voice be heard in the land without a king, 
 
 Ere it bcomes the most prodigious of all kingdoms, 
 Go, afiirm the people's independence with shouts 
 
 Throughout every State of Columbia's group ; 
 Shout glory! Liberty ! it may to you bring 
 
 Ninety-cent silver dollars in large sums : 
 If not, the mingling of yours with the noises of mouths 
 
 I\Iay give you the lockjaw or the croup." 
 
 PAINTED AND FRAMED. 
 
 " So I went and addressed the people against a power 
 Centralized to abridge their freedom ; 
 But the effects of it soon tended my jaws to lower, 
 Which are now by silence overcome 
 
 •■" To say no more. I'm done, I'm done. I've done 
 My .satirical picture in Hash colors 
 Laid on the canvass. I think, with some truth 
 Of a prime daub new to my cousinly brothers 
 "V\'ho will in the drawing see, if they look, 
 
 •' Fair figures of Liberty, religion and language. 
 
 And great national trees on the new world's high way, 
 Though growing in separate States, yet prospering to engagc- 
 Their linked boughs twiningly together, say 
 As a bower for man's freedi:)m and security. 
 
 THE ENn. 
 
(JRil POEMS, EPIC, LYRICAL m NIRRITIVE, 
 
 ALREADY PUBLISHED. 
 
 DAISY SWAIN, THE FLOWER OF THE SHENANDOAH. 
 
 Founded on the Late Rebellion. By John M. Dagnall. 
 One Vol., 12mo, 167 pp., Cloth Binding. Twenty-six Illustrations. Price, TSCculs 
 
 " If any Englishman should ask us now 'who writes an American poem?' we 
 should triumphantly answer, John M. Dagnall." — Boston Transcript. 
 
 ANOTHER : " This is an affectionate and well-written tribute to the genius of 
 American Liberty. Never did the nation stand in greater need of one endowed 
 vyith the talent of expressing the spirit of those troublous times." 
 
 THE MEXICAN ; OR, LOVE AND LAND. 
 
 Founded on the Late Invasion of Mexico by tub Fpjench. 
 
 BY' JOHN M. dagnall. 
 
 One Vol., 16mo, 228 pp., Cloth Binding. Fourteen Illustrations. Price, $1.00. 
 
 COMMENTS: " Tlie Mexican," is a descriptive, patriotic poem of high merit. 
 The incidents are arranged with judgement, and described with great force and 
 iK'auty of diction in the most original, varied and melodious of blank verse. It 
 is an inspired poem, breathing the true poetic spirit, and induces us to wish thnt 
 iVIr. Dagnall will be spared many years to come, to do such work as he has shown 
 lie is so eminently competent to do in beauty of thought and language." 
 
 ENGLAND NOT DEAD, TURK AND BKITON, SCENES IN CUMBERLAND. 
 
 Poems founded on Recent Events in Eukope and the Autistic Ramble.s 
 OF THE Author, John M. Dagnall. 
 
 Style — lyrical and epical ; tone^patriotic, artistic, sentimental and humomtis. 
 In one vol. 8vo, 128 pages. Price, 75 cents. London Edition. 1878. 
 
 "The volume of poems before lis proves that all the remarkable poets are not 
 dead." Robinson's Epitome of Literature. (Phila.) 
 
 "Since the sweet singer of Michigan issued her initial volume and " woke the 
 poetic echoes of a listening world," there has been nothing that we know of tf 
 compare with the work entitled 'England Not Dead,' 'Turk and Briton.' Also. 
 ' Scenes in GnmharliMid." —Bridgeport Standard. 
 
 SONG LYRICS IN THE BUCOLIC OF "SCENES IN CUMBERLAND :" 
 Where Scenes arc Glowing — Amid Fair Nature — Where is Flora ? — Nature's Own 
 (iirl — Brook Bound — Gone to Nod Land — His Bngle ever Sonorical — Hours pas^sed 
 on Earth — The Fair Girl's Unfair Opinion— A Nice Pair of Gaiters— By Stream 
 imd Glade— Streams Run Dry— If a Bird I Were— Love's Journey. 
 
 COPIES MAILED, POST PAID, ON RECEIFF OF THE PRICE. 
 
 NOTICE. -Book Agents, public or private, will be supplied 
 with complete sets, or any number of one of the author's works, 
 at the wholesale rate, namely: twenty-five per cent less than 
 the published price. All orders and communications are re- 
 quested to be forwarded to the author and publisher's post- 
 office address, namely: — — 
 
 JOHN M. DAGNALL 
 
 to the author and publisher's i 
 
 C 32 89 '^i 
 
 ., P. o: Box \SX Brooklyn, N. Y. 
 
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