' ■'- '' / ii A COMEDY FARCE, IN ONE ACT. SHE'S FAST ASLEEP." B Y R. R. A.rnRi:WS, Esq. AUTHOR OF " SILYERSTOXE'S WAGER." TO WHICH IS ADDED A DESCRIPTION OF COSTU3IE, CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, RELATWE POSITIONS OF THE PERF0R3IERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. Copyright Secured , 18^. CAMBRIDGE : Printed for the Author. 1875. gfji'*-^' a SHE'S FAST ASLEEP." A COMEDY FARCE, INONEACT. V B Y E. Pi. AjYDREWS, Esq. ^H TO WHICH IS ADDED A DESCRIPTION OF COSTUME, CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, RELATrS E POSITIONS OF THE PERF0R3IERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE AVHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. UUlX.t2 OLOC^rydiiur'^ "^^^ ^ C^fy^^S^S^ ^ ^Tuj C/^OyT- C^J^ilWTXB^^^Et^bRI^^r'^'^'TO^ CAMBRIDGE : Printed for the Author. ^' SHE'S FAST ASLEEP/' TS43r CHARACTERS. , 21^ /) ^7 Creamer, 1st Low Comedy. JOSEPH, 2d Low Comedy. Bertha, Soubrette. Mrs. Creamer, .... Plays something over half an hour. Time, present. Evening. COSTUMES. Mr. Creamer. — Blue coat, light pants, and fancy vest, hat, etc. Joseph. — Livery, 2d dress, black suit. Bertha. — Smart house dress, apron. Mrs. Creamer.— Yery handsome page's costume, tights, hat with long feather, bright sash, etc. PROPERTIES. Dishes, tea-pot for fire, looking-glass over fire-place, property lobster and cold chicken, bottles for Joseph; bottles and keys for Creamer ; key in r. 2e door ; notes for Creamer. Knight & Leathe, Printers, 478 Washington St., Boston. "SHE'S FAST ASLEEP." oXXo Scene (no change). Drawing room, — Door c. — Doors r. and L. Wlndotvs R. and L. of C. door. — Fire-place R. — Looking-glass over it. — Kettle on fire. — Table ivith dishes R.c. — Easy chair near it. — Sviall table L.C. — Chair s^ etc. Bertha, r.c. Mrs. Creamer, c. Bertha. Never fear me, Mrs. Creamer. Til not leave the house, — not for a moment, ma'am ; and if anyone calls. I'll tell them you are not well, ma'am, that 3'ou're fast asleep, ma'am, or abed with a headache. Mrs. Creamer nods, and goes out c. door. There, — she's o-one. Master's off for all nio'ht, and so missus takes it into her head to go to the fancy dress ball. My eyes ! if master heard of it he'd go w41d tho', he expressly forbid her to go. It's dreadful risky of her, for he might find out about it. {Ooes to table.) Well I've got the wdiole evening to myself, and what's more, there's plent}' to eat and drink ; but to think of missus going in that costume. Wonder how I'd look in tights. {Holds dress up a little.) We housemaids never do get any chances to show off. I'm sure I'd look as fine as missus did. ( Whistle heard.) Hello! w^ho's that? (Joseph, at c. door^ looks in.) My stars ! that you, Joe? Come in. Joseph. Are you alone ? Bertha. Of course I am ; come in. 4 "SHES FAST ASLEEP. Joseph, coming down c. Where's your missus? Bertha. O, she's gone to the — she's — she's in her room, fast asleep. Joseph. Asleep, eh? Fast asleep. Where's the old Cream-pot? Is he asleep too ? Bertha. He's gone away to stay all night. Joseph. Your mistress will hear us if we eat here. (Heljnng himself at table.) Bertha. Never fear her ; she sleeps that sound a whole pack of artillery couldn't wake her. Are 3^0 u off for the whole evening? {Seeing him eating.) Hello! w^hat are 3'ou doing? Hadn't you better wait till you're asked? Joseph. Eh? Oh, never mind me. You see, Bertha, master has gone I0 his club, and that's an all-night job, and I'm free as the air till he gets back. Bertha. So am I, till missus wakes up. Joseph. Your missus is a fine looking woman. I see her often at the window of that room. (Points l.) Bertha. The window in the room over there, 3'ou mean. (Points r.) That's her chamber. Joseph. I never see the old man there. Bertha. No, he has a separate room. (Points l.) ''shes fast asleep. 5 Joseph. Been a row, eh? Well that sort of thing wouldn't suit me. Bertha. Wouldn't, he}'? Why most all the rich people have two rooms. Joseph. Well, Bertha, when we gets married, you understand there'll be but one sleeping room in m^^ house. And when are we to be married. Bertha? Bertha. O, have patience. Joseph. That's the way you always put me off. Wh}' haint I had pa- tience, any number of times already, and it don't do no good. Bertha. Well, if you want me, want me real bad, Joe, you can have me just as soon as 3'ou're a mind to. Joseph. That's business ; put on your hat, and we'll do it at once. Bertha. Nonsense, I've got to get supper first. Joseph. Who for? Bertha. Well, 3'ou see, Joe, I knew missus was a going — a going to bed earh', so I invited my godfather Chafer 'round, so he could get acquainted with you. Joseph. Thank you, but I'm not particular. Bertha. But he's well off, and he's promised, if I marries a nice 3'oung man, to remember and give us something handsome. 6 "she's fast asleep." Joseph. Well, that's heart}' ; promised something handsome, eh? Got mone}', too. I tell you. Bertha, let's invite him to go to the the- atre. Bertha. To see the new Pantomine? O, that will be so J0II3M But, Joe, you can't go in that dress. Joseph. Bless you, no. I'll wear master's coat, hat, and gloves, and the old man will think I'm a divinity student. Bertha. Then you'd better be getting rea^y. Joseph. I'll go at once; boon jewer. {Kisses her,) Boon jewer. (Exit c.) Bertha. (Wiping mouth ivith sleeve.) Nast}' tobacco juice; he's been smoking or chewing, and's got it all over my mouth. (Goes to table.) Now let me see ; what shall I get? There's a nice cold chicken down stairs, and Joe's death on cold chicken. I'll go and get it. (Exit l.Ie. Enter Cub a:mbr c. cautiously.) Creamer. (Looking about.) No one about; well, come now, that's luck}', for I'll wager a five-pound note that mj' arrival would rather surprise them. Saj's I to Mrs. Creamer, '-'my love, I go to Bath," but I don't go there, O, no ! 'Twas a si}' dodge of mine, a very sly dodge. She little thought that I was to dine with the most charming of widows, relect of the late lamented Crumpeper. Yet such was the case, I'm soriy to say. The fair widow dotes on lobsters and to please and surprise her, I bought this one on my way there. (Takes lobster out of carpet-sack.) I paid two shillings for it. (Puts it on table.) And started a half hour be- fore the appointed time. On arriving at the house, and accident- ally looking in at the first-floor window, I was surprised, I may say astounded, to see seated directly opposite the fair creature a grey '' SHE S FAST ASLEEP. 7 gentleman in goggles. The sight of that simpering, grey-goggled old sinner, struck me with remorse, I may say pain ; says I to myself, '' Creamer, be virtuous, go home and sup with the future mother of j^our little Creamers " ; I pondered a moment, — natur- alh', — took the advice, — and the lobster, — and here I am, a virtuous, consequently a happ3% man, but Lord ! how hungry. (Sits in easy chair R.c. Enter Bertha luith a cold chicken l.) Bertha. Here's the nice, cold chicken, and (Sees Creamer.) O, Lord ! (Hides chicken behind her.) Creamer. (Looking around.) Don't be afraid, Bertha, it's onlj' me. Bertha. What, sir, and are 3'ou not in Bath ? Creamer. In bath, lass? Why, what the devil should I be in bath for? Bertha. Why, sir, missus told me as how 3'ou had gone to Bath on very particular business. Creamer. O yes, Bertha, I remember now I did go to Bath, a — that is, I was to go to Bath ; but you see I missed the train. Bertha. Go - o - d gracious ! ! ! Creamer. Why, what do you mean by such a good gracious? People ma}' miss a train if they want — I mean if they have to, can't the^^ ? Is there anj'thing ver}' surprising in that ? Bertha. O no, sir, of course not. (Seeing lobster.) You have brought something for your tea, sir? Creamer. Yes, Bertha, a lobster, a nice lobster. 8 Bertha. {Turning aside,) O, clear, he'll be asking for his wife in a moment ; what shall I say ? Creamer. {Seeing cold chicken Bertha is holding behind her.) What are 3'ou holding behind j^oa, Bertha? Bertha. {Turning quick,) O, sir, it is a — a — Creamer. Cold chicken. Bertha. O dear, j^es, sir ; a cold chicken, for to-morrow's breakfast, sir. I'll go and put it awa}'. {Goes l.) Creamer. Not so fast. Bertha ; put it on the table, and set plates for two. {Fixing plates.) Bertha. For two? Is a friend going to sup with 3'ou, sir? {Sets chicken on table and helps him,) Creamer. No, I am going to sup with my wife. Bertha. {Lets plate fall.) Good gracious ! ! Creamer. What, another good gracious ? Wh}^, Bertha, you don't think I'd sup. with an}^ other woman, do 3'ou? Bertha. Certainl}' not, sir. Creamer. You are a very good girl. Bertha. Bertha. Thank 3'ou, sir. ''she's fast asleep." 9 Creamer. Is Mrs. Creamer in her room? Bertha. In her room, no sir; she's — O, 3^es — 3'es, sir, she's in her room ; of coarse she is. Creamer. Ver}' well ; {Getting up.) I'll go and call her. Bertha. {Running hefore him.) O, sir, O, sir ; don't, don't, go in there ! Creamer. And why not, pray ? Bertha. Because, she's — she's abed, sir. Creamer. Well, what if she is ; she's m}' wife, ain't she? Bertha . Yes. sir, certainly ; but she's asleep. Creamer. Well I will wake her. Bertha. But, sir, 3'ou mustn't, I beseech 3'ou. Creamer. Would you keep a man from seeing his own wife ? Bertha. O no, sir, no indeed, sir. Creamer. Then why do j^ou stop me ? Bertha. You see, sir, she's got an awful headache, and — ^^and you must sup alone. 10 ''she's fast asleep." Creamer. Got a headache ? Bertha. O j^es, sir, her poor head is almost splitting with pain, awful pain, I assure you, sir. Creamer. Am I to eat m}^ supper alone? (Goes to table,) Bertha. Yes, sir, all alone. Creamer. And there's no one to share the lobster with? (Seating him- self at table,) Bertha. You must eat it 3^ourself, — eat it all up. Creamer. Bertha, go and get me m}^ dressing-gown. It is in my room, on a chair. (Taking off coat,) Bertha. (Aside,) Good gracious, I dare not leave him alone. (Aloud,) Hadn't 3^ou better go and get it yourself? Creamer. Did you hear me ? Go ! Bertha. Yes, yes^ sir. Will you stay here by the fire, sir? Creamer. If I so choose. Bertha. But hadn't you better come down in the kitchen? Creamer. No, Bertha, I prefer to stop here. ^' she's fast asleep." 11 Bertha. ' But think, sir. If 3'oii should make the least noise, you might wake 3'our wife. Creamer. Go as I bid you and get the dressing-gown. Do 3'ou hear me? Bertha. (Aside,) I dare not refuse. {Aloud.) But pray, sir, you'd better not move. I'll be right back ; don't move, sir. {Exit l.2e.) Creamer. Well, I must sa}' that young woman acts most strangely ; why should she seem so flustered. If I'd onh kept the appointment with the widow at the stated time, grey-goggles would have been disposed of, and I should have supped with that charming crea- ture, in blissful ignorance of his existence. {Enter Joseph c. with tivo bottles.) Hello ! w^ho have we here? Joseph. {Coming doton c.) Hello! here's godfather Chafer. What a J0II3' old cock! {Puts luine on table,) Good evening, Chafer; happ3' to meet you, m3^ bo3^ Creakier. O 3'ou are. Well, sir, let me ask, ''Who are 3^ou, sir, and what the devil do you want " ? Joseph. {Going to him,, patting him on shoidder mysteriously,) Hush! It's all right. Don't sa3^ a word. Keep mum, 3'ou understand. It's all right. Creamer. Well, do 3^ou know I'm glad to know that, for to me it looks all wrong. Joseph. It's quite right, I assure 3^ou. I like 3'our appearance. How do 3^ou like mine? {Turning round,) Tid3^, ^i^'^ i^? Yon see, sir, we both expected 3'ou. 12 "she's fast asleep." Creamer. The devil 3'ou did ! Then I was expected. Joseph. O 3'es, we expected 3'ou, for you know the old buffer has gone to Bath. Creamer. Eh! Old buffer! old buffer ! ! what old buffer? Joseph. Why, her husband, don't 3'ou understand? Creamer. (Aside) Creamer, be calm, be calm. (Aloud. ) Her husband ; O yes. So the husband of the lady is away, and 3'ou have been invited here in his absence on a kind of a little — little — 3'ou know. Joseph. That's it exacth'. She has the kind of a little, a^ou know, while the husband is away. Cute in her, isn't it? Creamer. O yes, O yes, ver3\ (Aside,) And so, m}' fine ladv, be- cause I forbid you- to go to the ball, 3^ou receive 3'our gentlemen friends here in m^^ absence. O 3^ou sdper ! To think of her supping with this ape. Joseph. You're a jolh^ old cock ; I like 3'ou, After supper's over we are all o:oino: to the theatre, and after that we mav have a dance ; that's good, eh? Creamer. O yes, that's verv good. (Aside,) Creamer be calm. Joseph. Yes, I thought you'd like it. (Opening bottle,) Creamer. Did you. Well, that's kind of you. (Aside.) My wife go lo the theatre and to the ball without me? O, this is too much. And stay, that explains Bertha's anxiet3' ; that explains the cold chicken. The girl is an accomplice. ''she's fast asleep." 13 Joseph. You see, she and I arranged it all onh' a little while ago ; she's getting ready now. Creamer. She is, he}^? Joseph. Yes. Ton m}' soul, old fellow, I rather like 3'ou ; didn't think I should. We'll be two jolly good fellow^s. eh? {Taps him on stomach, ) Creamer. {Grinding his teeth,) O, thou devil ! Joseph. Between 3'ou and I, the poor thing don't often get a chance _ like this ; husbands don't go awa}^ evevy day, j'ou know. Creamer. This is too much! {Collaring him,) . I've got you, have I? {Shaking him,) Joseph. {Surprised,) Hello ! what do you mean Chafer? What's 3'our game ? Creamer. You scoundrel, I'll teach you a lesson worth two of that ; take that {a shake) ^ and that {a shake) ^ and that — Joseph. Murder ! 3'ou're strangling me. He's mad ! Chafer's mad ! Murder ! somebody' ! help ! {Enter Bertha, with dressing-gown, r.2e.) Creamer. You ill-visaged rascal, 3'ou come to m3' house in m3' absence, do you ? Bertha. O Lord ! he'll kill Joseph. 14 -'she's fast asleep." Joseph. Take yoar hands from off my throat. Bertha. Master, master, he means no harm. Creamer. No harm indeed! (Shaking him.) Bertha. O master, don't kill him, he's only my intended, and onl\' came to take supper with me. Creamer. What, supper with you? Didn't he come after my wife, eh? Bertha. no, indeed, sir, lie's a very respectable young man, sir, ver}'. Servant to the French gentleman, opposite. Creamer. (Letting him go.) A 'servant in such a coat as that, and with a real gossamer, too. Joseph. (Humbled.) O, sir, they belong to m}' master; he's away, sir. Bertha. You see, sir, 3'ou being away for the night, why, I invited him here, and we were going out on a bit of a time, sir. Creamer. 1 see it, I see it all now. Joseph. (Aside to Bertha.) Ain't he your godfather? Bertha. No, indeed ; he's my master, Mr. Creamer. Joseph. O Lord! O Lord! (Aloud ^0 Creamer.) O. sir, I humbly begs'pardon, sir. If I'd only have known, sir, that you were — ^ *' she's fast asleep." 15 Creamer. The old buffer, eh? ( WaUdng r. and l.) Bertha. You see, master, its all a mistake. Joseph. All a mistake, sir. Creamer. Go, go and leave me. (Aside.) To suspect for a moment, that poor innocent, sleeping in yonder room, perhaps at this moment dreaming of the absent Christopher. O, it was too much, too much. (Aloud.) Go, I sa}'. Go, and leave my sight. Joseph. All right, sir, going. Bertha. (To Joseph.) Wait at the door and tell m}' godfather to go home. Joseph. I will, Bertha. To think of calling the old buffer, an eld buffer, and to his ver}' face, too ; ha. ha, ha. {Exit c.) Bertha. Master, here's 3'our dressing-gown. Shall I help 3'ou on with it ? Creamer. To doubt — to doubt her. I, the guilty one who should suffer. Will she pardon her Creamer, if her Creamer humbled himself in the dust at her feet? Yes, 3^es, Creamer, she would, Fm sure she would. Then go. Creamer, go. {Goes r.2e.) Bertha. {Runs before him.) Master! Master! Where are you going? Creamer. Into my wife's room, m}' good Bertha. Bertha. Into her room? Oh, no, 3^ou must not ; she is not well, sir. 16 '' she's fast asleep. Creamer. Don't stop me, Bertha! Don't stay a penitent Creamer; he will feel better, much better. Bertha. But think, master, she is so weak and nervous, it would startle her; she's dreadfnlUMll, sir. Creamer. Poor, innocent darlini^ ; she shall not be startled. {Coming down, c. taking off coat.) Help me on with my dressing-gown, Bertha. {She helps him.) There, that's comfortable. Now move the chair up by the tire. {She moves it.) There, this is home-like. {Seats himself.) Good-night, ray child. I can get along without you : good-night, go to bed. Bertha. What ! go to bed ? Creamer. Yes ; go to bed, child. Bertha. O, sir, but I'm not a bit sleep}'. {Aside.) Go to bed and leave him here ? Not if I know it. Creamer. {Eating fast.) But I shan't want you ; I can help myself now — Bertha. {Aside.) Gracious, he's going to eat up all our supper. I'll stop that. {Aloud.) H'm, H'm ! Mr. Creamer, O, sir. Creamer. {Mouthful.) Well, Bertha? Bertha. Are 3'ou going to eat all the chicken, sir? Creamer. Yes, Bertha, I'm hungry ; the chicken and the lobster too. 1 ''she's fast asleep." 17 Bertha. But, sir, perhaps it may not be — ma}' not be — Creamer. What, not fresh? (Sticks his fork into the chicken^ and snuffs at it,) Bertha. O, it's fresh, very fresh, but — Creamer. {Holding chicken up on fork.) But — but what? Bertha. I was thinking that, and lobster together, sir, might hurt you. You remember poor, dear Mr. Craggs. Creamer. t street? Bertha. Yes, master ; he died in two hours. Creamer. Yes, of colic, I believe. Bertha. Colic and apoplexy. Creamer. {Eating fast. ) AYell, what of it ? {Mouthful. ) Bertha. Well, sir, two hours before he was taken, he was a well man ; but he ate chicken and lobster ; 'twas in the evening, sir, and only think of it, sir, in two hours he died in the most terrible agony. Creamer. {Frightened; spits food into the fire; looks up.) Chicken and lobster!- Why, Bertha, that's what I'm eating. Died in terrible agonj^ ? O Lord ! 18 "she's fast asleep." Bertha. Yes, indeed, sir, and he was a stout man, rather ; just like 3^ou. Creamer. But consider. Bertha, Craggs was a natural hog. Bertha. (Moving table aiuay to r.c.) But one ought not to eat just be- fore going to bed. Creamer. But, Bertha, I am awful hungry. Bertha. You had better be hungry than sick. Creamer. Sol had, Bertha, and it's getting late. (Yaiuns,) A-r-r-h ! it's getting late. Bertha. Bertha. Yes, sir, and 3'ou'd be better off in bed. Creamer. So I would, Bertha, so I would. {Goes l.) Good-night, child, good-night. Bertha . (Aside.) He's going at last, thank heaven. Creamer. (Turning,) I'll just look in and see if the dear thing is com- fortable. (Goes R.) Bertha. (Running hefore him.) What, sir? Creamer. Only to kiss my wife good-night. I'll not wake her. Bertha. (Hand on knob,) Bertha. (Aside.) O, Lord! what shall I do? (Aloud.) Master! Stop! "she's fast asleep." 19 Creamer. (Turning.) Stop! Why, what's the matter? Bertha. {Aside.) O, what shall I say? O, I know. (Aloud.) Mas- ter, dear master, your face ! Crea^mer. Well, what the devil's the matter with my face? Bertha. Don't you feel bad? Your face is scarlet ; you've got it. Creaimer. Got it ; got what? It's only ray natural color. Bertha. O, sir. O my dear master. It's the supper ; you are going to have the colic, and apoplexy ! Yon are going to die in two hours ! O, Lord ! Quick, look in the glass ! Creamer. What ! (Runs to glass over fire r.) Bertha. See ! See ! Don't xon see how red 3'our face is growing? Creamer. (Frightened.) Yes, yes, Bertha, I- — I believe I do, — Bertha. And your eyes ; how strange and wild the}' look. Creamer. Yes, Bertha, they do indeed look strange and wild. Bertha. And, master, you're all of a tremble. Creamer. Yes, yes, Bertha, now that \ow mention it, I notice I am all of a tremble. What is it. Bertha, what is it? 20 "she's fast asleep." Bertha. The first stage of colic, master ! Rush of blood at the head. Creamer. Good Lord, Bertha, von don't say so ! What, — what am I to do? Bertha. Quick, take my advice. {Goes to fire and gets kettle, r.) Creamer. But how the devil am I to take 3^our advice? Why don't you give me some ? Bertha. {Bringing kettle.) Your feet in hot water ! Creamer. But Where's the hot water? Bertha. {Giving him kettle.) Here it is. Creamer. {Taking it.) O, ah ! {Changing it from one hand to the other.) O Lord, I'm burnt, I'm scalded. Bertha. It will do you good, help to draw the blood from the head. Creamer. O Creamer, Creamer, this is an^^thing but supping with a pretty widow. It is certainly a judgment. Bertha. Quick, master, the bath, before 3'ou are taken with the colic. Creamer. Ah, me, unfortunate Creamer that I am, unfortunate Creamer. {Exit L.) Bertha. There I I've got him out of the wa^'. But missus had an es- cape that time, sure enough. ''she's fast asleep." 21 Bertha. {Enter Joseph, c.) What! you back again? Did you send ni}' god-fatlier off? Joseph. Yes ; I told him of my taking the old Cream-pot for him, and 'twould have done you a world of good to have heard the old 'un roar. But, I say, Bertha, where's Creamer? Bertha. {Laughing.) Ha, ha! Up to his knees in hot water. Taking a hot bath, ha, ha ! Joseph. Well, I don't see anything so jolly in that. Bertha. Of course you don't, ha, ha, ha! Never mind; you 'can go home now. Joseph. Eh ! What ! ! Bertha. Didn't you hear me ? I said jon could go home now. Joseph. You send me away? Bertha. To be sure I do. Ain't master got home? Joseph. Well, what of it? Bertha. I don't want 3'ou about w^hen he's around. Joseph. Oh, ho ! you don't, eh? Bertha. No, I don't. 22 ''she's fast asleep." Joseph. . What's he taking a bath for? Bertha. Never 3'ou mind, bat go home. Joseph. No, I'm blessed if I do. Creamer, outside l. Oh, ah ! Ah I The devil ! Oh-r-r — Oh ! Bertha. You must ! Go quick ; master's scalded himself. Creamer, outside l. 0-o-o-o-h ! Ah ! To the devil with your hot bath. Mv poor shins. Oh, Bertha, Bertha ! Come, come quick. Joseph. {Seeing Bertha start.) What ! You go in his room? Bertha . Go home, you fool! Hush! master's coming, — go quick! {Pushing him out C.) Joseph. But can't we go down in the kitchen? Bertha. No ; I must stay here. I have a reason. Joseph. A reason, eh? {Ai