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 COPYRIGHT DEPOSrn 
 
1 1 
 
 WATCH YOUR STEP! 
 
 BY THE SUBW^AY GUARD 
 
 (ALVIN McCASLIN);:.cx <p 
 
 NEW YORK 
 B. W. HUEBSCH 
 
 1913 
 
Copyright, 1913, by B. W. Huebsch 
 
 
 JAN 15 1914 
 
 CI.A3G2155 
 
^ WATCH YOUR STEP! 
 
 DO YOU WANT 'PHONES IN YOUR 
 HAT? 
 
 "*Why don't y' have telephones down here 
 in th' subway? ' a big fellow yammered at 
 me this morning. Now what d' ye think o' 
 that? You can't please some guys. Here's 
 a town with half a million telephones in it an' 
 he wants 'em down here, too. You'd think he 
 had his office on th' third rail. Ain't it fierce 
 when he can't even run up-town without 
 talkin' every step of th' way to his secretary 
 or th' fellow he's tryin' to put it over. I says 
 to this big thing,' * W'y don't you spend your 
 time in th' subway thinkin' what you're goin' 
 to say when you get out? ' Says he, * Young 
 man, to succeed in business you ought to did 
 your thinkin' when you was a boy.' An' 'en 
 
 I 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 he tumbled out at Fourteenth Street, an' after 
 he'd run clear to th' gate he come chasin' the 
 car an' poundin' on th' door an' yellin' at me, 
 * Let me on again, this ain't Grand Central,' 
 but I had give the * go ' signal an' had to laugh. 
 He must a-did a lot of thinkin' when he was a 
 boy to call me all th' names he did. He ought 
 to have a telephone in his hat, with a string 
 runnin' down his neck, to his shoe heel. They 
 could put telephone door mats on th' sidewalk 
 an' this fellow be talkin' all th' time. 
 
 " Talk about telephones savin' time! Where 
 does all th' time go to people save? I guess 
 they die quicker an' have more time to think 
 it over. Them terrible busy guys gimme a 
 pain in th' ankle. I know one, he's so busy he 
 ain't got time to take a bath. He's lookin' for 
 more work his wife can do. She takes in 
 washin'. 
 
 "Brooklyn Bridge! Brooklyn Bridge! 
 
 "No, lady, this ain't your street. I'll let 
 you know when yours comes. 
 
 " Step lively, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 2 
 
HAVE YOU GOT A MOTOR FACE? 
 
 " Yep, he's got th* motor-face, all right. 
 You can tell 'em easy now. He's got a mother 
 an' a sister that look like human bein's but that 
 don't help his face any. He keeps lookin' half 
 a mile ahead all th' time. When he's walkin' 
 he slam bangs into people like he had th' right 
 o' way. His neck is scrouged way down in 
 his collar bone. You see him settin' down 
 to eat with his arms all over th' table cloth, an' 
 his hands twistin' th' plate, like it was his 
 steerin' wheel. Them fellows never talk about 
 th' weather or anythin' else common muts talk 
 about. They're always talkin' about their 
 carburetter or their tires. Half of 'em don't 
 know what a carburetter is, but they're dead 
 sure us muts don't either. They's so many 
 lunatics from drivin' fast, th' crazy houses is 
 gettin' too full. One of th' guards at th' 
 
 3 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 asylum told me they was gonna have automo- 
 biles, an' let them lunatics that went dippy 
 usin' 'em try 'em again. He said it'll make 
 'em happy to go lickety split all over th' 
 asylum grounds, an' if they run over another 
 *bug' or go slap dash into a tree, it might 
 make 'em well again. I s'pose them motor 
 faced guys breed children like other peo- 
 ple. It won't be long 'fore they have baby 
 buggies runnin' by gasoline, with infants 
 wearin' goggles an' runnin' over other babies. 
 
 "That'll finish th' automobile business, 
 'cause us fellows that ain't mortgagin' all we 
 got to buy 'em will be raisin' kids that'll catch 
 them gasoline babies when their motor faced 
 daddies ain't lookin', and believe me, what old 
 Herod did to them two year olds an' under, 
 won't be a marker to what you'll find goin' 
 on then. That's what this motor face disease 
 is comin' to. 
 
 " Spring Street, Spring ! Bleecker, next ! 
 
 " Both doors, lively please ! 
 
 " Let 'em off, please, let 'em off ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 4 
 
LET'S HAVE A SKINFLINT FOR PRES- 
 IDENT 
 
 "Well, you put it all over us, last election, 
 didn't you? You got your man elected, an' 
 my man drubbed, I s'pose meat be so cheap 
 now we all get tape worms eatin' it. While 
 you're doin' it, boost th' price o' wheat so far- 
 mers can get bigger automobiles, an' fix it so 
 us city fellows can get more bread tickets for 
 a quarter 'n we did last winter. Like as not 
 Congress is gonna take th' tariff off whale 
 blubber an' dodo eggs. Some day they got to 
 change all this election business. They'll pass 
 a law nobody can have an office that wants it. 
 An' 'en they'll look aroun' for th' biggest tight- 
 wad they can find, an' he'll get a call from th' 
 vigilance committee. They'll shake a rope in 
 his face an' holler at him, * You got to be our 
 President, or up you go-sky.' Mebbe he'll 
 
 5 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 run away, but they'll get him, an' believe me, 
 he'll bring down th' price of corn an' beans till 
 you eat ice cream every meal. It won't take 
 no billion dollars to run this country. He'll 
 run it on a million, an' that's only cent apiece 
 from every man, woman an' baby in it. Us 
 fellows that's got callouses on our hands want 
 a regular money sharp for President. An' 'en 
 when some department printin' books tellin' 
 how many snags was pulled out o' Sas- 
 katchewan wants a thousand dollars to pay 
 for ink, he's gonna roar at 'em, * Where's 
 that two dollars I give you last Friday? ' An' 
 he'll get rid o' them flunkies in th' White 
 House an' have his wife do her own work. 
 
 " This country be better off when th' Presi- 
 dent locks up th' White House, himself, every 
 night after he's put th' cat out an' fixed th' fur- 
 nace. We ain't suff erin' for a King. We got 
 to have a skinflint President. Then we'd 
 have money enough to go 'round. 
 
 " Astor Place ! Next Fourteenth ! 
 
 "Be careful gettin' off! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 6 
 
WOMEN WORKIN' MAKE WAGES LOW 
 
 " I got it all figured out. It near bust my 
 brain thinkin' it over, but, by jing, I got it. 
 
 " Women an' girls hadn't ought to work. 
 They work too cheap anyhow, an' that keeps 
 some fellow from gettin' good wages. I bet 
 they's more girls workin' to-day 'n they is fel- 
 lows. If females quit workin' they be more 
 work to do an' only half enough men to do it. 
 That'd raise wages like a balloon goin' up. 
 Then we gotta make every married man spend 
 so many dollars out o' his wages to board an' 
 keep his wife an' family. An' every fellow 
 who won't get married has to pay a tax out o' 
 his wages so he can pension them females that 
 ain't got nobody to keep 'em. 
 
 " It hurts my feelin's to see women workin' 
 all th' time. It ain't right. Females wasn't 
 made to fight agin males. If it's right for girls 
 to stand up all day an' sell shoes or pound on a 
 
 7 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 typewriter, you might as well let 'em run my 
 car, an' work on th' section. How'd you like 
 to have your old mother carryin' mortar up a 
 ladder? An' your sister'd look fine drivin' a 
 truck! You don't want your little girl carry- 
 ing telegraph messages an' shinin' big fat 
 muts' shoes, do y'? That's what it's comin' 
 to, if y' don't stop it. 
 
 " I ain't seen any line drawn yet. Me an' 
 you is a lot o' big dubs. We go braggin' 
 aroun' how we protect our women folks, an' 
 slappin' ourselves on th' chest, an' 'en we 
 throw 'em to th' wolves. I don't want Lizzie 
 to work like I do, an' if every mut felt the same 
 way 'bout some other girl, they wouldn't be 
 ten million females draggin' 'emselves home 
 every night from work. They'd be runnin' to 
 th' door to hug me an' you. 
 
 "Eighteenth Street, Eighteenth! Twenty- 
 third, next ! 
 
 " Let them women out first! Get out o' th' 
 way! 
 
 " All aboard, all aboard! Step lively! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 8 
 
G. WASHINGTON WAS A HUMAN 
 
 " All I know 'bout George Washington he 
 hacked his daddy's cherry tree an' bragged 
 about it, an' he stood on one foot in a boat 
 when his soldiers was pushin' thro' th' ice, an' 
 he made a sob talk to his men when he was 
 quittin' 'em. They said, ' Don't go, George,' 
 an' he said, * I got to. I'm father to my coun- 
 try an' it's got th' pip.' He was a great old 
 scout. They didn't have no big newspapers 
 nor no telephones or telegraphs or cars in them 
 days. So all we got on him is what some fel- 
 lers writ in a book. I bet he come home late 
 to supper like any other guy an' says, * Martha, 
 ain't ye got nothin' better 'n that to eat ? ' An' 
 Martha says, * George Washin'ton, you go 
 an' wipe your feet oif outside th' door. Don't 
 you dare traypse in this house with all that 
 mud.' An' you bet he done it. Them book 
 
 9 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 writers don't know nothin'. An' 'en after they 
 went to bed an' Martha was jawin' 'bout th' 
 big wash she put out on th' line, she says, 
 ' George, I bet it snows to-night an' spoils my 
 sheets an' pillow cases,' an' George says, ' Aw 
 shetup, an' go to sleep. I don't care if it snows 
 ink.' Just like that. You can't tell me 
 nothin'. Humans is humans. They only get 
 to be angels when they been dead a while, an' 
 their wives dead, too. It makes me laugh 
 to think o' George Washin'ton. What you 
 s'pose he'd do if he saw a automobile? He 
 be runnin' yet, or else he wouldn't know no bet- 
 ter 'n stand still an' say, * Gosh, somebody 
 must a-give that wagon a awful shove.' Just 
 like that. George Washin'ton nothin'! Liz- 
 zie's little brother'd have to lead him around 
 like a blind man to keep his knee buckles from 
 bein' stole. Huh! 
 
 " Twenty-third Street ! T w e n t y-third ! 
 Broadway, all stops ! 
 
 " Look where you're steppin' ! 
 
 " Quit your pushin' ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 10 
 
GIV 'EM STRAP OIL 
 
 " I knowed they'd come to it. School 
 teachers is throwin' up their hands. They're 
 askin' for th' paddle agin. When I was a kid, 
 it was much a part o' your learnin' as 'rithmetic 
 or spellin'. Then they was a lot o' softies got 
 busy an' made rules that teachers couldn't lick 
 boys like they used to. That's what th' mat- 
 ter with your jails an' your reform schools. 
 If a big mule of a kid gets gay with his teacher 
 nowadays, they give him a pink ticket with a 
 bad mark on it. If he spits in th' teacher's 
 face, he gets two pink tickets, an' when th' 
 inspector visits th' school he says to th' big 
 mule, * Shame on you.' Back in my day, th' 
 teacher hit him one life-sized wallop that made 
 him think he bumped into a comet. If he gave 
 any more back talk, th' boss teacher of th' 
 whole school run at him an' set him down so 
 
 II 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 hard his back bone near went into his hat. I 
 never learned how to spell till ol' Doc Baldwin 
 that learned us broke his cane on my bean one 
 Friday. Somehow it raised a welt big enough 
 to let brains in. An' when I got one lickin' at 
 school, I got another one when I got home. 
 That's what learned me so well. Kids go to 
 school for th' same reason you send soldiers to 
 th' army. If you let them soldiers do as they 
 please, an' talk back to them captains an' col- 
 onels, they ain't fit to fight hoboes. An' you 
 don't learn them soldiers to shoot straight an' 
 win shoulder straps by talkin' sugar nothin's to 
 'em. Them soldiers get th' hook if they ain't 
 watchin'. That's what kids need. Th' men 
 runnin' this country now is th' men that got 
 lammed good an' hard when they was kids. 
 When th' softy kind get to runnin' it, me for 
 Bulgaria. 
 
 " Twenty-eighth, Twenty-eighth, next 
 Thirty-third ! 
 
 " Wait till they get off! 
 
 " Both doors, both doors, lively, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 12 
 
BE YOUR OWN HIRED MAN 
 
 " Nobody can get servants to work for 'em 
 any more. You know why, don't you? They 
 ain't any more servants. They all died off. 
 " What d' you expect to happen when you 
 make everybody a dude ? Long time ago they 
 used to have real servants. They couldn't 
 spell c-a-t an' they called th' man they worked 
 for * master ' an' they called th' lady * missus.' 
 You could get one by openin' th' door an' 
 whistlin'. An' when they took a job, they was 
 treated right. They didn't know nothin' but 
 to be lick-spittles, an' th' ' master ' an' th' * mis- 
 sus ' was as proud of 'em as they was of a new 
 horse, an' they treated 'em right. Th' cook 
 knew th' * missus' knowed more'n she did. 
 When th' coachman went out drivin' he swelled 
 up like he was glad he was alive. Then we 
 got this eddication * bug ' an' all th' kids was 
 
 13 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 told they could be president an' th' cook's lit- 
 tle girl went to dancin' school an' learned to 
 pump a typewriter so she'd get easy money 
 an' get to be a lady quick. When th' old serv- 
 ants died off, they wasn't no more. No- 
 body tries to be servants now 'less they've lost 
 their money, an' then they want to get easy 
 money quick as they can. They's people right 
 now got servants and hain't no right to have 
 any. If me an' Lizzie gets married, we ain't 
 gonna have any cook bossin' aroun' an' tellin' 
 us where to get off. I ain't scared at washin' 
 dishes if me an' Lizzie eats out of 'em. An' 
 if I can't make my own bed an' chase a bucket 
 o' coal up stairs, I ain't gonna split my money 
 up with some duffer to do it for me. 
 
 "Thirty-third! Thirty-third! Grand Cen- 
 tral, next! 
 
 " Both doors, both doors! 
 
 " Don't stand on th' platform! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 14 
 
WHISKERS 
 
 "Where's all th' whiskers went? A good 
 bunch of whiskers makes everybody sit up an' 
 look pleasant nowdays. No fellows with 
 whiskers goes wrong an' keeps 'em. It's a 
 safe bet when you see a fellow with alfalfa all 
 over his chin he didn't tap anybody's money 
 drawer yesterday. Whiskers is a certificate 
 of character. You never see a policeman 
 study a man that's got whiskers. Th' cop 
 knows he'd never see 'em again if th' fellow 
 was a crook. No rogue's gallery has feather 
 dusters in it. Fellows with whiskers is 
 powerful fond o' women. You're safe in 
 askin' if his oldest boy is in school yet. They 
 are great savin' o' laundry bills, whiskers is. 
 Your Sunday collar's good till Friday. An' 
 look at th' barbers' money you save. It's no 
 wonder Russians come over here an' live on 
 
 15 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 starvation wages. They brung their whiskers 
 along. This country won't amount to nothin' 
 till we let our whiskers grow. One reason 
 most our Presidents was born on a farm 
 is because that's where fathers with * gosh- 
 ding-its ' lived. Some fellows wear whiskers 
 in self-defense. Their face is too short, or 
 their mouth is too big or they ain't got no chin. 
 
 " If you like a fellow, never ask him to cut 
 his whiskers off. He might do it to please 
 you, an' you'd die laughin'. Everybody 
 used to wear 'em when I was a boy. Then all 
 a-sudden th' doctors said catchy diseases 
 got in your whiskers. An' somebody got up 
 a safety razor. That settled it. We been 
 dippy about bald faced men ever since. That 
 ain't got nothin' to do with bald headed men. 
 Their trouble is wearin' hats too much. 
 Hair is just like grass. Do you s'pose grass 
 'd grow for a minute under a Derby hat? 
 
 " All aboard ! Broadway local to Hunderd 
 Thirty-seventh Street! 
 
 " Both doors, please. Step lively! 
 
 " Watch your step I " 
 
 i6 
 
MAKE SQUEALIN' POPULAR 
 
 " They's only one way to keep from goin' to 
 jail nowdays an' that's to squeal. When 
 everybody gets to squealin', th' county can 
 rent th' jail for a singin' school. Th' reason 
 squealin' ain't popular is 'cause squealers don't 
 holler soon enough. When them crooked 
 guys go to stealin', their pals ought to treat 
 'em like I'd treat Danny Lynch if he'd say to 
 me, * Let's me an' you rob Lizzie of her brace- 
 let.' I wouldn't squeal, no-o-o, I wouldn't, 
 but Danny would if he ever come to, after I 
 hit him. That's the way pals ought to act. 
 " Squealin' on a crook ain't nothin'. Look 
 what you're doin' when you ain't squealin'. 
 You're playin' false to every little baby an' all 
 th' decent men an' women in New York. I'd 
 ruther be a squealer than a * rotter.' That's 
 when you know somebody's doin' dirt to de- 
 
 17 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 cent people an' you keep still about it. Talk 
 about * honor 'mong thieves.' They ain't 
 any, I tell you. They ain't a bigger lot o' 
 white livers any place 'n they is close to a 
 crook's backbone. You know a fellow 
 wouldn't be a crook if he had a red 
 liver, nohow. I'm in favor o' givin' prizes 
 to squealers so's to make it worse for 
 crooks. You want to fix it so no man can 
 tell another fellow anything he wouldn't hol- 
 ler right out loud. iFix it so they can't be any 
 squealin'. To do that, you got to train every- 
 body to squeal first. Some day I'm gonna 
 get up th' Independent Order o' Squealers. 
 Any mut can get in that hollers like a cowboy 
 on a drunk every time he sees another mut 
 doin' wrong. Th' fellow hollers th' most gets 
 elected Grand Squawk. Nobody belongs if 
 he can't make a noise when he sees a crook. 
 
 "Broadway local! Hunderd'n Thirty- 
 seven, only! 
 
 " You must let 'em off first! 
 
 " Hurry up, hurry up, all aboard ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 i8 
 
SUNDAY AIN'T SUNDAY ANY MORE 
 
 " Me an' "Lizzie meandered out to Bronx Park 
 Sunday. In hot weather we always try to 
 go to th' park. Cars were jammed, an' peo- 
 ple rushed along like they was two jumps 
 ahead of a fit. Outside th' park, music was 
 playin' like a street fair. Two or three o' 
 them Mary-go-wrongs was whirlin' 'round, 
 loaded with fellows an' girls. Everybody 
 was hollerin' at everybody else. Little boys 
 in good clothes were thicker'n horse-flies, an' 
 tryin' to be as bad. Close by they was eatin' 
 rubber sandwiches and guzzlin' drinks like 
 they had to ketch a train. I don't see what's 
 th' matter with people Sundays. Some o' 'em 
 go to church in th' mornin'. Then all of 'em 
 go plumb crazy in th' afternoon. It looks as 
 if they start out chasin' a good time they never 
 got. We went to a restaurant out there an' 
 
 19 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 th' waiters was so busy they couldn't see us. 
 They was a darkey quartet yellin' ragtime 
 louder 'n a band could play, an' everybody 
 actin' like they expect to go to th' booby house 
 to-morrow. If every day was Sunday, we'd 
 all have th' jumpin' jimmies. Lizzie says no- 
 body plans things for Sunday. She says peo- 
 ple don't know where they're goin'. They 
 need a bucket of hot water to put their feet 
 in an' cracked ice on their cocoanut. They're 
 just Sunday simple. Sunday used to be a 
 good day to see your girl. We used to sit on 
 the grass in the park an' talk nothin*. No use 
 now. You'll get run over. Even if you stay 
 at home, th' folks is so busy gettin' their 
 wash in' ready for Monday, you're in th' way. 
 It looks like Sunday ain't Sunday any more. 
 
 "Cathedral Parkway! Cathedral Park- 
 way! 
 
 " No, lady, I don't know where that church 
 is. 
 
 " Let her off, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 20 
 
ARE YOUA'JINER?' 
 
 " I see you got your lodge pin on. That's my 
 lodge. Lizzie took my pin so's to wear it 
 to a party. That ain't th' only lodge I be- 
 long to. Are ye a Mason? Y' ain't? Are 
 ye a K. P.? Y' ain't? Say, you ought to 
 know my uncle Bob. He's what I call a 
 *jiner.' They ain't a lodge struck these 
 United States yet he hain't rode its goat. 
 
 "By jing, he knows enough passwords to 
 write th' Bible with. That's one reason he 
 never got married. He can't stay out o' lodge 
 meetin' long enough. If old Bob ever dies, I 
 hope he gets drowned in th' ocean, 'cause his 
 funeral '11 paralyze this town for onct. He 
 ain't a very leadin' citizen, an' I'll bet he 
 ain't got a dollar in a bank, but believe me, he's 
 got enough receipts for lodge dues to paper 
 th' City Hall. 
 
 21 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 " It's a good thing for a fellow to belong 
 to some lodge. I don't care if it's nothin' 
 more'n th' Independent Order o' Prickly 
 Pears. He knows everybody ain't in it. 
 Mebbe he thinks they can't get in it. That 
 swells him up. An' when a man's got reason 
 to feel proud, he's a lot better citizen 'n 
 th' other kind sneakin' 'long with his head 
 down an' tryin' to do somebody all th' time. 
 I know some scallawags get into lodges. You 
 can't keep cockroaches out o' your kitchen 
 'less you poison 'em. But this country 'd 
 never be th' big show it is now if we hadn't 
 tied fellows together in them secret societies. 
 
 " I mean all kinds of 'em, every religion, 
 every nation an' every good thing has to 
 have a church or a lodge to push it. It's th' 
 fellows that don't belong to nothin' I feel sorry 
 for. Them kind are missin' lots o' glad hands. 
 
 " Columbia University ! Hunderd'n Six- 
 teenth ! 
 
 " Watch out, steppin' off ! 
 
 " All aboard, come ahead, lively, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 22 
 
CABBAGES CAN'T SMELL LIKE ROSES 
 
 "Th' Chicago woman that wants all th' 
 other women called * Missus ' just 'cause all 
 men is called * Mister' wants to change her 
 ' specs.' She's seein' all green. .They's nothin' 
 to it. If anybody goes to callin' my "Lizzie 
 
 * Missus' before she's * Missus Jerry' it'll 
 be that mut's last word on earth. This'd be 
 a hot world with all the females wearin' 
 
 * Missus ' in front o' their names. How th' 
 dickens could you tell some fellow's woman 
 from a girl lookin' for a fellow. 
 
 " Us guys have to tell 'em some way. I 
 s'pose she'd be in favor o' puttin' a ring in th' 
 married women's noses. She's got jelly on 
 her face just 'cause she can't get me away from 
 Lizzie. Now Lizzie's proud of bein' called 
 
 * Miss ' 'cause she knows they's a mut called 
 
 * Mister ' 'd like to have her called ' Missus.' 
 
 23 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 "Ain't it th' truth, they's people thinks a 
 handle makes a jug? To my notion, th' purti- 
 est thing about some old maids is callin' 'em 
 * Miss.' Widows don't put it over old maids 
 just by bein' called ' Missus.' Them ladies win 
 out 'cause they know th' game. If a fellow see 
 a plump little widow come bowling into th' 
 car, he don't care what her front name is. He 
 fixes his tie an' he looks to see if his shoes is 
 polished an' then he swells up like a turkey 
 buzzard. Let one o' them vinegar faced fe- 
 males get aboard an' she might have two 
 flunkeys on each side of her hollerin', * This is 
 the Honorable Missus Dewdad,' every guy 
 gets busy readin' ' Want Ads ' an' cussin' th' 
 car for bein' slow. No, sir, it ain't what you 
 call a woman makes her catch a man. I don't 
 care if they call Lizzie a dodo bird, I'll get her 
 yet. 
 
 "Manhattan Street, next Hunderd Thirty- 
 seventh ! 
 
 " Step lively, there, they's more wants on ! 
 
 " Plenty o' room up front ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 24 
 
IS A ELEVATOR A STAIRWAY? 
 
 " * Always take your hat offi in th' presence 
 of ladies/ a little fellow says to a big one, on 
 my car yesterday. *Aw gwan' says th' big 
 one, * d'ye mean to tell me I got to go aroun' 
 bare headed,' says he. * No, but when you're 
 ridin' with 'em in a elevator.' * What right 
 has a elevator got over a stairway, or a 
 sidewalk?' says th' big one. 'None, y' big 
 chump ' says Shorty, * but it's th' rule.' ' Now 
 there ye go agin, makin' fool rules. They's a 
 elevator right here at Hunderd an' Sixty-eight 
 Street big as th' grand stand at th' Ball Park 
 an' if I'd take my lid off, my bald head'd be like 
 a iceberg. I wouldn't go with my hat off in 
 that place to please my mother. An' it's a 
 elevator. If I got a right to keep my hat on 
 there, why can't I in them bird cages they 
 shoot up an' down on Nassau Street? ' He's 
 
 25 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 right. Elevators ain't no thermometer to tell 
 a man's a good fellow. Elevators is stair- 
 ways. Some guy thinks elevators is rooms, 
 an' carries his hat like he was gonna sit down 
 an' eat somethin'. He'll carry his shoes in 
 his hand, next. Them are th' kind tell me I 
 eat my dinner at supper time. No, I don't. 
 I eat my dinner noons, an' I read th' other day 
 about a couple gettin' married an' havin' wed- 
 din' breakfast at 12 o'clock. Not for me. I'd 
 get so faint without my coffee by that time, I 
 wouldn't even marry Lizzie. 
 
 " This yankin' your hat off in a elevator is 
 like lookin' a man steady in th' eye. It don't 
 prove nothin'. One th' biggest crooks ever 
 went to th' ' pen ' looked at th' judge like he 
 had glass eyes. Fellows take their hats off in 
 elevators every day I wouldn't trust Lizzie 
 alone with on a dark night. 
 
 " Hunderd Sixty-eight ! Next, Hunderd 
 Eighty-first! 
 
 *' Let th' lady out, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 26 
 
CAR SIGNS AIN'T TOO NOISY 
 
 " I see a man laughin' like a lunatic to-day at 
 one of th' * ads ' in my car. That reminds me. 
 " Last week a solemn lookin' cuss was 
 abusin' them signs like sixty. He said it was 
 a shame to have cars an' dead walls all 
 over town plastered with red an' yellow signs 
 tellin' about soaps you could eat an' flea pow- 
 der that always got 'em. He said it was forc- 
 in' things on you. An' it was a nuisance, to 
 have to look at things you don't want to see. 
 Why, he said if some guy stood up in th' train 
 and hollered through a megaphone at you all 
 th' time braggin' about liver pills or tellin' you 
 to get fly screens at th' hardware store, you'd 
 never stand for it. You'd have th' man with 
 th' trumpet pinched for bein' a nuisance. He 
 said he paid his nickel to ride an' didn't want 
 no catalogue or picture books thrown in. I 
 
 27 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 think he's dead wrong. Some o' them signs 
 is right educatin', an' they keep people from 
 goin' crazy, instead o' botherin' 'em. If you 
 look at blank walls all th' time, you feel like 
 that old fellow looks. If you stare at th' 
 pretty women on th' car, you get a punch in 
 th' face. Old Kill-Joy ought to get up pat- 
 ent goggles with golden texts on 'em, an' pic- 
 tures of angels in their * nighties,' so his eyes 
 couldn't wander. I notice he had a big band 
 o' black crape on his ice cream overcoat. 
 Wasn't that kinda rubbin' it into the rest o' us ? 
 When you're tryin' to be cheerful, ain't it 
 awful to have his overcoat cryin' out loud? 
 
 " Dyckman Street ! 
 
 ** This way out ! 
 
 ** Change here if you're goin' further ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 28 
 
WOMEN'S TO BLAME FOR GIRLS 
 
 COIN' WRONG 
 
 — .— ^ ^^i^^ — ^^^— ^^.— .— — ^— — ^ 
 
 "It ain't five dollars a week makes girls go 
 wrong. It's other women. 
 
 "Any mut of a man cavorts aroun' all he 
 pleases, stays out all night, gets drunk, brags 
 about it, chases girls an' shows it in his face. 
 Th' women all stand for it, an' think he's 
 smart. If a girl wabbles th' least bit, out she 
 goes. Ain't girls got blood, liver an' lights 
 jus' like men? 
 
 " You won't let a girl ask a fellow to marry 
 her. You won't let her know nothin'. If she 
 ain't lucky enough to catch a husband without 
 flaggin' him, she'll die a old maid. All time 
 you tell her that, you let that guy she's got her 
 eye on pick up any woman he pleases an' drop 
 her agin. You bet he ain't gonna die like a 
 old maid. An' all th' other women see him 
 
 29 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 chasin' girls, an' know he's a dog, an' tell him 
 to come to supper to their house, an' dance with 
 him, an' love him. He don't need tell 'em 
 where he was last night. They got their sus- 
 picions, but they don't mind that. He's a man, 
 an' he's got his fingers crossed. 
 
 "Your mother an' my sister could stop 
 all that in two shakes of a sheep's tail. If 
 th' women in this country get together to- 
 morrow an' say they wouldn't stand for a 
 man that couldn't tell 'em honest where he 
 was last night, they'd be so many weddin' 
 rings bought, th' price o' gold 'd go up. You 
 couldn't get into church for people on th' side- 
 walk lookin' at th' brides' dresses. Single 
 women'd be so scarce them storekeepers'd 
 pay four dollars a day for cash girls. Take it 
 from me, women got nobody but 'emselves to 
 blame for girls goin' wrong. 
 
 "Broadway Express! Two Hunderd Fif- 
 teenth, only! 
 
 " Move up in front, ladies, move up front ! 
 Them men can't get by you ! 
 Watch your step ! " 
 
 30 
 
 
A DOG CAN LEARN YOU 
 
 " People's got a lot to learn from dogs. Just 
 'cause we walk all th' time on our hind legs 
 an' eat with a spoon is no sign we got dogs 
 beat any. They ain't any mother'll stick to 
 her boy longer 'n your dog'U stick to you. 
 He'll yelp when you kick him, an' look to see 
 if you mean it. He knows you don't. And 
 when you soften up an' say, ' All right, old fel- 
 low,' he mighty near wags his tail off, he's so 
 glad to make up. Just you try that on th' 
 next man you meet an' see what you get. If 
 you try that on your brother or your best 
 chum, you might not get bit on th' leg, but 
 you'd get a wallop in th' eye. When I been 
 on this car all day, takin' everybody's guff, 
 havin' bankers bark at me like they had hydry- 
 foby, an' ladies spittin' at me like mad-cats 
 'cause they hain't got sense enough to get off 
 
 31 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 where they want to, I'm glad to go home 
 an' see my dog * Budge.' Say, that dog 
 waits for me with his ear cocked listenin'. 
 Nobody else's feet sounds like mine. An' if 
 my foot was th' last one that kicked him, he's 
 glad to hear it comin'. I get 'shamed of my- 
 self for not treatin' that dog better. He'd put 
 every dollar he had on me if he had money. 
 His little stub tail wiggles *thank'ee, thank' 
 ee' long 'fore he gets any thin'. He's so 
 tickled when I get him a bone I wish I could 
 get him a whole beef. Ain't it a pity human 
 bein's don't act good as dogs when somebody 
 does 'em a good turn. It don't cost nothin' 
 to say * thank you ' like my four-legged Budge 
 does, but I know lots o' two legged ones too 
 stingy to say it. I'd rather go where Budge 
 is gonna go than twang a harp with them peo- 
 ple. 
 
 " All stops to Van Cortlandt Park ! 
 
 " Yes, Ma'am, this car goes all the way 
 through. 
 
 " You're welcome, ma'am. 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 32 
 
DON'T ROAST THE MESSENGER BOY 
 
 " People got to quit guyin' messenger boys for 
 bein' slow. Them boys ought to be in school. 
 If they was, some of th' other boys' daddies 
 wouldn't guy th' messenger kids for bein' 
 slow. It's 'cause they hain't got any decent 
 daddy they run errands for two bones a week. 
 
 " I s'pose you want 'em to go like cycles in a 
 motor drome all th' time an' eat fresh air while 
 they're goin'. I'm glad you get fooled. No 
 messenger boy that's got any red blood in 'im 
 is gonna run by a good dog fight luggin' 
 a telegram tellin' you your mother-in-law's 
 comin' to your house to stay. 
 
 " You got more sense 'n to run into school- 
 houses an' try hurry th' jogerfy class. Them 
 little white-faced muts spend six hours a day 
 makin' a bluff readin' with th' teacher standin' 
 right over 'em spellin' out th' words for 'em. 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 That's all right, that is. You slap your wish- 
 bone an' holler, * Hooray for young America.' 
 
 " Then when you ketch them little hobnail 
 shoe messenger boys walkin' along readin' 
 *The Poisoned Gumdrop, or The Candy 
 Woman's Revenge,' you bark at 'em for bein' 
 slow. An' they was readin' it without th' aid 
 o' whip or spur, like th' man rides bareback 
 in th' circus. 
 
 " Don't you want them boys eddicated? 
 Do you want 'em to grow up like they was 
 wagon wheels? 
 
 ** If I was Governor I'd make a new law. 
 I'd say you got to add ten minutes' leeway to 
 messenger kid's runnin' time.' We got truant 
 cops to keep school kids from runnin' off. 
 We need telegraph cops to see no workin' boy 
 misses any fun goin' or gets docked for loafin'. 
 
 "Van Cortlandt Park! Two Hunderd 
 Forty-second ! 
 
 " Take your time, gettin' off ! 
 
 " All out now, end o' th' line! 
 
 " Both doors, both doors! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 34 
 
\ 
 
 GIMME ME A FEMALE JURY 
 
 3 
 
 " Right now, when all th' women is votin* or 
 hikin* to vote, what does a Jersey judge do 
 but have th' law on one of 'em, an' say she 
 shan't pay more 'n a dollar for corsets. That 
 judge is askin' for it, an' he'll get it. 
 Them Jersey women'll vote purty soon, an' 
 he'll think th' court house clock fell on him. 
 " If I was a judge nowdays, I'd sing purty 
 low. Juries is bad enough when they're all 
 whiskers an' knuckles. No female lady on a 
 jury is gonna let th' judge have th' last word. 
 An' when they get six women on a jury, an' 
 six men, an' th' court sends 'em out, by jing, 
 they never will come back. If ever I kill any- 
 body, an' they go to try me, I'll ask for part 
 females on my jury. An' I don't want 'em 
 married. Before my case gets done, one of 
 them women'll get so stuck on one of them 
 good lookin' duffers my lawyer's put on that 
 
 35 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 jury she'll marry 'm, an' that'll let me out. 
 When two people get married, they ain't two 
 any more, they're one. So that jury'll just be 
 leven, an' you can't make any fellow stand for 
 only 'leven men on his jury. He's got to have 
 twelve, else he hain't killed th' guy he killed. 
 
 " But women make better juries'n men. 
 You can't fool one female in forty-six. They 
 can tell you're lyin' if you're blindfolded. 
 Half o' these chump lawyers'll go out o' busi- 
 ness when you get female juries. If it wasn't 
 for juries bein' dunderheads, they wouldn't be 
 so many lawyers, nohow. Most lawyers won't 
 let a guy set on a jury if he's ever been to 
 school. They want jurymen to get splinters 
 in their fingers every time they scratch their 
 head. I don't see why courts ain't all women, 
 anyway. I never seen a court house yet with 
 a statue of a man holdin' a pair o' scales. 
 
 "Ninety-first, Ninety-first! City Hall 
 local ! 
 
 " Let 'em on, don't block th' way ! 
 
 " Move up in front. Plenty o' room. 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 36 
 
DID YOU EVER TRY THINKIN'? 
 
 " All us guys is a lot o' copy cats. If any- 
 body starts out to do somethin' nobody else 
 did, you think he's dippy. Folks don't try to 
 act like 'emselves. They all act like some pic- 
 ture they seen. It takes gobs o' real brains to 
 make you look like yourself so some other 
 mut'll copy you. Women pile all kinds o' dead 
 hair on top their head so's to look like some 
 woman with real hair. 
 
 " A fellow'd think he wasn't half dressed if 
 he didn't have a fool pin stickin' in his tie, an' 
 if a guy'd come downtown with a coat on that 
 hadn't got a collar on it just like every other 
 guy, he's afraid he'd be arrested. An' 
 when some mut makes a speech to a crowd an' 
 says a lot o' flub-dub 'bout * liberty ' an' uses 
 all th' nice words he can think of like ' mother,' 
 *home,' an' * heaven,' th' crowd rave over it 
 
 37 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 like he was sayin' somethin'. It don't take no 
 brains to listen to such stuff. I always think 
 a fellow makin* a speech ain't said nothin' 
 when th' people listenin' to him clap their 
 hands. If he said somethin' new, that took 
 brains to say, th' people wouldn't be clappin' 
 their hands; they'd be so busy gettin' th' new 
 dope, you could hear a pin drop. I never see 
 a hen flappin' its wings yet when it's layin' a 
 egg. It's too busy. 
 
 " Us humans got corns on our feet an' cal- 
 luses on our hands. We got stummicks all 
 wored out an' our hearts is gettin' weak. Our 
 lungs is bein' coughed up an' our liver's 
 choked. But we got one bran' new piece o' 
 machinery up in our cocoanut that ain't half 
 worked. Did you ever try thinkin' real hard? 
 You might surprise yourself doin' somethin' 
 th' other muts ain't doin'. 
 
 " Eighty-six Street, Eighty-six ! Next, Sev- 
 enty-ninth ! 
 
 " Move on up in th' car. 
 
 " Don't all of you stand right in th' door. 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 38 
 
QUIT PUSHIN* ON TH' LINES 
 
 " An old codger says to me to-day, * W'y do 
 all young fellows yank their pants up at th' 
 knee when they set down? ' I was so busy 
 puUin' my door handles he told me th' answer 
 himself. Says he, *They don't mind how funny 
 they look when they're settin' so long's they 
 look like their pants is creased when they stand 
 up.' An' then he laugh so hard he set me 
 to thinkin'. 
 
 " Most all th' fellows I see on my car 
 hitch their breeches away up so their socks 
 show. They don't mind how funny they look. 
 They cross their legs an' sit all humped in like 
 bums on a park bench. But th' minute they 
 get up, you see 'em straighten out an' shake 
 their foot an' step off with th' creases showin' 
 fine. You wouldn't think that dude walkin' 
 along so nice with his pants pressed was set- 
 
 39 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 tin* a minute ago with 'em rolled up to his 
 knees lookin' like a gawk out wadin'. Th' old 
 codger talkin' to me said when he was a boy, 
 it was a sign of hand-me-down clothes to see 
 a crease in 'em. 
 
 " This settin' with your pants all pulled 
 up from th' bottom half th' day so you can 
 look good th' other half is just like us Amer- 
 icans. Lizzie's mother does her washin' on 
 Monday. She used to get all her dirty clothes 
 together Sunday night but now she gathers 
 'em up Saturdays. She gets through washin' 
 quicker Mondays, she says. I told her if she 
 gathered 'em up Fridays an' washed Saturdays 
 she'd have Monday for a holiday. Old uncle 
 Bob says * save at th' spigot, run out th' bung.' 
 
 " You can't rest yourself walkin' up a movin' 
 stairway. It's like pushin' on th' lines when 
 you're drivin' a horse. The horse don't mind. 
 You ain't shovin' him. 
 
 " Down town local, all stops to City Hall ! 
 
 " Plenty o' seats in the forward end! 
 
 " All aboard. Come on, come on ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 40 
 
OLD FOLKS LIKE TO BE IN TH' SWIM 
 
 " You ain't no older'n you feel. I tell y' 
 people don't die o' old age. They get killed 
 or else get pushed off. I been watchin' 'em. 
 
 " They's too much fun goin' on for peo- 
 ple to want to die. But young folks let old 
 folks get lonesome too much. Don't you 
 know old person's live longer if you treat 'em 
 like they was young? Now Lizzie's mother 
 acts about thirty years old, an' she'll never 
 see sixty agin. The reason is Lizzie don't 
 do nothin' to push 'er off. When they's any 
 shoppin' to do, Lizzie just hollers out * Come 
 on, girlie, get your goloshes on an' let's go see 
 th' movies.' An' when they come home an' 
 her maw says * Now Lizzie, I'm goin' to make 
 some o' them beaten biscuit your Uncle 
 Henry's so fond of ' she don't holler out ' Aw, 
 go set down, mother dear, an' I'll get supper,' 
 
 41 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 no, sir, she says * Fine, maw, you do that, an' 
 I'll set th' table an' wash th' dishes/ 
 
 " That makes old folks young. Take 'em 
 right in on th' ground floor. Don't let 'em 
 think they ain't it any more. How'd you like 
 to have some grown up kid you'd raised 
 without a bottle tell you to go set down an' 
 twiddle your thumbs. That's pushin' 'em off, 
 that is. You might as well shove 'em off th' 
 end o' th' dock or chloroform 'em. I hate 
 to see old people workin' 'emselves blind for 
 some miserable grown up children, but them 
 kind live a blame sight longer'n old ones 
 you don't let do nothin'. They's more people 
 rust out'n wear out. Be a good pal to 'em. 
 
 " You ain't got no cinch stayin' young your- 
 self. An' you won't like that brat o' your'n 
 to bark at you, * Go set down, gramp,' all th' 
 time. 
 
 " Sixty-six, next ! Next Sixty-six ! 
 
 " Come ahead, all aboard ! 
 
 " Plenty o' room inside ! 
 
 " Get away from th' door, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 42 
 
SMALL MONEY SPLITS WAGES 
 
 " They tell me Uncle Sam is goin* to make half- 
 cent pieces for us workin' people. That ain't 
 go in' to help any. Things that sell for 12 1-2 
 now an' two for a quarter, will get marked 
 12 3-4 an' your half cent won't keep that from 
 being 13. Hens will get 27 3-4 cents a dozen 
 now for cold storage eggs. That's 55 1-2 
 'stead of 55 cents for two dozen, but it'll help 
 th' poor slot machine people. I see they're 
 kickin' about it already, an' saying it'll ruin 
 'em, an' they'll have to change all their ma- 
 chines to fit th' new money. Take it from me, 
 they'll never touch them gold mines. They'll 
 put new ones right 'longside of 'em an' get all 
 your half pennies before you get home. 
 
 " Lizzie's Uncle Henry says it's a sign a 
 country's gettin' old when they split money 
 smaller. He says in a new country nothin' 
 
 43 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 goes less than a nickel. When it's old enough 
 to have poor houses and aldermen, they get 
 out pennies. An' over where women and chil- 
 dren have to work, they get pfennigs and far- 
 things. Down in old China, a pig tailed geezer 
 only gets 2 cash a day, he says, an' it takes 46 
 cash to buy a bottle o' milk. Money's a bother 
 anyway. Why don't they run th' country like 
 th' subway? Make everybody pay his nickel 
 'fore he goes through the gate an' then give 
 'em all th' ride they want. Let th' big ones 
 have th' money. Everytime a kid's born let 
 th' government pay for it's keep an' chalk th' 
 kid a white mark for livin' well an' soak him 
 for goin' wrong. Birds an' snakes don't waste 
 time tradin' half cent pieces with each other. 
 An' they have their own nests an' holes, too. 
 
 "Course, they don't pay dividends to a 
 bunch o' phoney ones that hain't either flyin' 
 or crawlin'. 
 
 " Times Square ! Grand Central, next ! 
 
 " Step forward, please ! Don't crowd the 
 doorway ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 44 
 
YOU CAN'T PLEASE A KICKER 
 
 "Kick, dum ye, kick! I don't care. You 
 come downtown all squgeed to kick an' I 
 s'pose you got to get it out o' your system. 
 
 " If I had a dog growlin' around like some 
 men do all day, I'd give him croton oil. Here 
 it is a sunshiny day, an' th' trees in th' park 
 look like a picture book. That old man 
 yowled at a fellow that beat him into my car, 
 an' yowled at me for slammin' th' door, an' 
 said us conductors ought to wear a ball an' 
 chain, an' he hollered 'cause some girl's hat 
 pin was too long an' looked cross enough be- 
 tween uptown an' down to sour a milk train. 
 Now he's bow-wowin' about how slow we 
 run. Say, you just can't please some people. 
 
 " Don't argue with a kicker. That's what he 
 wants. He's been practicin' up while you 
 been actin' like a human bein'. Just laugh at 
 
 45 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 him. It makes 'im wild first, but he comes to 
 like a fellow that's had a fit. Th' trouble with 
 a real kicker is he don't know when to stop. 
 He keeps on kickin' long after he's got any use 
 to. Did y' ever kick at a dog an' miss it an' 
 jerk your leg almost out of joint? Did y' 
 ever go upstairs in th' dark, prancin' high, 
 an' go climbin' for th' step on top th' top 
 step? Lizzie's aunt bit her tongue off that 
 way onct. Just a piece of it. That's th' 
 way a kicker feels if he kicks all th' time. 
 
 "But it's a good thing some people kick. 
 Th' grafters would have stole th' City Hall 
 long ago if it wasn't for th' kickers. It ain't 
 'cause kickers is so honest. It's 'cause they 
 like to kick, an' thy don't want th' other fellow 
 to get away with it. You know th' kid that 
 falls off th' wagon always hollers * Whip be- 
 hind ' to the driver, so his buddie'U get licked 
 off. No, kickin's no thing to brag about. 
 
 " Eighteenth next, next Eighteenth ! 
 
 "Be careful gettin' off! 
 
 "Both doors, both doors! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 46 
 
IS EVERYBODY FOR SALE? 
 
 i 
 
 " I got a buddy that's a detective. He's in 
 one of th' hotels on Broadway. They call him 
 th' 'house man' but he's a sure enough de- 
 tective. He's got a star an' if he'd arrest you, 
 it'd be th' same as if a cop would. He's on 
 his job night times. Him an' me's got th' 
 same room. Only he sleeps in it after I've 
 gone to work. That fellow's smarter'n a steel 
 trap. Lizzie don't like him. She got peeved 
 at him one night when we was all eatin' to- 
 gether an' Danny said (Danny Lynch, that's 
 his name) every man had his price. He said 
 he knowed it, 'cause he'd bought lots of 'em. 
 I didn't get mad at him, like Lizzie did. He 
 didn't mean it th' way she took it. You see 
 he's just like a fellow workin' all th' time in 
 th' stock yards. He couldn't smell a bouquet 
 if you soaked it in hair oil. You know a good 
 
 47 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 bird dog runs around with his nose to th* 
 ground all th' time, lookin' for bird tracks. 
 That's Danny. If a bird dog'd run into a 
 bunch o' singin' canaries, an' flush 'em, an' 
 you wouldn't shoot their yellow heads off, that 
 dog'd quit you for a coward. Lizzie says to 
 him, * Dan, you got a evil mind. I'd hate to 
 think you had your price, an* I know Jerry 
 ain't got his. Have you, Jerry? ' An' I says 
 
 * No, no, I ain't. Not since I knowed you. 
 You got me bought an' paid for. I'd swim th' 
 river for you.' Danny laughed so hard he 
 choked on a bean in his soup, an' he says, 
 
 * There I told you every man had his price.' 
 An' Lizzie says right out loud so's everybody 
 heard it, * That ain't what price means. Price 
 means somebody can get you if they offer 
 more. An' nobody can get Jerry away from 
 me.' Lizzie's right. She ain't got no price. 
 She's got a copper rivet cinch. 
 
 " Bleecker, Bleecker ! Spring, next ! 
 " Stand back, an' let 'em off! 
 " Don't stand on th' platform! 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 48 
 
DON'T BE A RAIN CROW 
 
 "I caught 'Lizzie cryin' last night, when I 
 went to see her, an' it didn't take me long to 
 find out her sister been tellin' her somethin' 
 mean some other girl said about her. That 
 sister o' Lizzie's a regular rain crow. You 
 know them crows always fly around cawin* 
 just before it begins to sprinkle. You can tell 
 it's goin' to splatter pretty soon i£ you hear 
 'em croakin'. It may be a hour 'fore they's 
 any rain, but durin' that whole time them 
 crows won't let you forget your fun's gonna 
 be spoiled. I ain't got no use for a rain crow. 
 Every time you hear 'em, it aggravates you 
 worse'n rain does when it comes. Sister's 
 one o' them kind. She couldn't hear a good 
 thing if you lock her in a room with a phono- 
 graph playin' th' Lord's Prayer. But if any- 
 body talks nasty about anybody else sister's 
 
 49 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 right there with both ears, an' she's plumb out 
 o' breath gettin' home to tell it to Lizzie. Me 
 an' her don't gee a little bit. Sister's brains 
 is curdled. She's so 'fraid 't won't rain all th' 
 time, she's got crows beat to death cawin'. 
 If anybody'd hand that girl a bouquet to give 
 you, she'd say they sent it for your funeral. 
 She gets so mad tellin' what some knocker said 
 about you, you wonder why she didn't get 
 mad at th' knocker. But that ain't sister. 
 She'll purr like a tabby cat to get th' knocker 
 to talkin', an' eggs her on by sayin', * You 
 don't say? Ain't it awful? ' Crows ain't 
 much good anyway, let alone rain crows. No- 
 body minds gettin' wet, but you hate to get 
 told all th' time you're goin' to get wet an' 
 then have 'em tell you how wet you got. I'd 
 rather be a old hen layin' one egg anytime 'n 
 be a rain crow. 
 
 " Spring Street, Spring ! Canal next ! 
 
 "Watch out gettin' off! 
 
 " Wait for 'em, don't get on yet ! 
 
 " Now, come along, all aboard ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 50 
 
JIG TUNES MAKE YOU EAT 
 
 " Sunday night I took 'Lizzie to a restaurant. 
 I always blow myself Sunday nights. Th' 
 orchestra was playin' * Old Black Joe * when 
 v/e went in, an' th' people looked like they 
 didn't want nothin' to eat. An' when we 
 come out they played * Darlin', I am Growin' 
 Old.' Durin' th' meal, a girl sang a awful sad 
 song. It kinda made a lump in my throat an' 
 Lizzie said her coffee was so hot it made tears 
 come. Th' waiter said they called th' piece 
 th' * Rosary ' an' it always made him think 
 he'd done somethin' wrong. You know, I 
 ain't goin' there agin 'less I get Lizzie's 
 mother to go along. She's awfully fond o' 
 goin' to funerals. It'll be a treat for her. 
 But Lizzie says she can eat more if they play 
 somethin' lively. I guess quick tunes makes 
 your blood run fast an' tickles your appetite. 
 
 51 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 I bet I could eat till I need a doctor if they 
 play ' Turkey in th' Straw ' all th' time. Th' 
 minute they start slow music, I want a glass of 
 water. That's why railroad eatin' houses 
 make so much money. They keep tootin' an' 
 ringin' all about so you get excited an' 
 swaller pie an' cake an' things when you only 
 want a sandwich. That's th' game. 
 
 " If I had a restaurant, my fiddlers wouldn't 
 get paid for slow tunes. An' if a singer war- 
 bled ' Home Sweet Home,' I'd soak her a dol- 
 lar every time anybody quit eatin' an' went out. 
 But it's easy swallowin', when you listen to a 
 jig. It tickles you so anythin' tastes good. I 
 ate a whole pie once, without thinkin', 'cause I 
 was laughin' at a fellow's hat that blowed into 
 a horse's face. They's enough to cry about in 
 this world without payin' for a table cloth to 
 cry on. Any guy's food muscles work better 
 on ragtime an' waltzes. Nobody can eat when 
 he's snivellin*. 
 
 " Canal Street ! Worth, next ! 
 
 " Let 'em out please, let 'em out ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 52 
 
STOP WHEN YOU HEAR *WHOA'! 
 
 " * Ding, ding ' is a go-ahead signal every 
 place. It only takes one * ding ' to stop. You 
 know they's a reason for that. You got to be 
 ready to go ahead. You're always ready to 
 stop. Bein' ready is th' whole thing. A 
 fresh guy pulled my bell cord * ding, ding ' last 
 Tuesday 'fore I could see all the people was 
 on, an' th' motorman started. We drug a old 
 lady forty feet 'fore I could stop her. We 
 wasn't ready. Look at that Titanic every- 
 body talked about. She was th' whole thing 
 on th' water. When she left over there with 
 2,000 people, they gave her two bells in 
 such a hurry they forgot th' spy glasses an' th' 
 feller on th' front couldn't see icebergs nor 
 nuthin'. And there she was goin' licketty 
 split. So a lot o' people drowned just 'cause 
 th' * ding-ding ' was give to 'em when they 
 
 53 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 wasn't ready. Stoppin' comes when you ain't 
 lookin' for it. If you're a motorman runnin' 
 fast, your eyes full o' red an' green lights, an' 
 your bell goes * ding ' you can't wait to see 
 how many more * dings ' is comin'. You 
 just stop. Most people don't know one 
 * ding ' means stop. They keep lookin' for 
 more bells to ring. If their eyes pain 'em, 
 they keep right on readin' papers on th' train. 
 They go blind just 'cause they didn't mind th' 
 one * ding ' an' stop. They keep naggin' their 
 wife 'til some day she says, * Another word an' 
 I'll quit you ! ' Now that's one bell. Does 
 he mind it ? Not him. An' 'en she quits him. 
 An' if a mut swipes change from somebody 
 that ain't lookin', an' feels sore at himself for 
 doin' it, that's one bell. If he don't mind, it's 
 th' stone bedroom for him. He don't know 
 his signals. 
 
 " Worth Street ! Worth Street ! 
 
 " Yes, ma'am, this is nearest to th' Tombs ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 54 
 
DARWIN NEVER CHEWED GUM 
 
 " Where does all th' chewin' gum go to, peo- 
 ple chew? You never hear of it any more. 
 Every time we pull by a station I see people 
 drawin' some out a slot machine an' chuckin' 
 it in their faces. Now just look down that 
 car an' see their jaws workin'. Gabby peo- 
 ple mostly chew gum. It gives 'em a appe- 
 tite for words. They got their mouths open 
 an' so they say it. Th' fellow that's listenin' 
 to 'em ain't got £iny gum. You can always tell 
 a tight wad. He's a good listener. Did you 
 every try to borrow money from anybody an' 
 he just listened an' listened, an' you told how 
 bad you needed it an' how good you could pay 
 it back? When you got done talkin', an' he 
 ain't said a word, you wouldn't loaned your- 
 self money if you had it, you felt that mean. 
 I don't see why deaf an' dumb people ain't all 
 
 55 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 rich. Gum chewers is easy marks. Workin' 
 their jaws keeps 'em from gettin' mad an' 
 thinkin' hard. Ball players chew gum. 
 Bankers don't. If you get a down and out 
 man to chew gum, he won't shoot himself. 
 He couldn't till he finished his gum an' then 
 he's changed his mind. I always thought 
 that fellow Darwin was wrong when he 
 said men come from monkeys. 
 
 " I only know one kind of animal you can 
 walk up to an' ask for a chew an' that's a 
 cow or a billy goat. Animals with horns that 
 eats grass likes to chew without swallerin'. 
 You never see a dog or a rooster chew for fun. 
 A rooster ain't got no teeth anyway an' a dog 
 chews for keeps. Horses don't chew, snakes 
 just swaller their food an' if you give a monkey 
 a stick of wax or a chew of tobacco, he'd spit 
 it out. No sir, old man Darwin got th' wrong 
 dope. He never saw Lizzie chew gum. 
 
 "Brooklyn Bridge! Change for Express! 
 
 "City Hall local! City Hall! 
 
 " Be careful gettin' on ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 56 
 
THEM WAS GOOD OL' DAYS 
 
 " I struck a old codger to-day whinin' about 
 th' * good old times ' an' I just thought I'd take 
 a fall out o' him, so I says, * Mister, what d'you 
 miss nowadays you had in them good old 
 days you talk so much about? ' An' he says, 
 * My boy, you got more comfort in them days 
 out a dollar's worth o' somethin' 'n you get 
 now for a hundred dollars.' He says, 'I 
 tell ye, they was honest men in them days, an' 
 they wasn't watchin' to skin ye every time ye 
 turned around.' I says, * Grandpaw, us hu- 
 mans always had cheatin' horse traders an' 
 lightnin' rod peddlers.' No country gets 
 along without 'em. Them old days look 
 gooder just because you forget what you was 
 worryin' over them times. You had smallpox 
 in cold weather an' yellow fever in hot 
 months, an' you had cholera chasin' you one 
 
 57 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 year an' grasshoppers th' next. You pretty 
 near shook th' house down with chills and 
 fever, an' th' richest man in town was th' old 
 doctor. You went to bed early 'cause you 
 didn't have no light but a old candle. No- 
 body took a bath 'cept kids in summer time. 
 You couldn't bought a ice cream sody with a 
 ten dollar bill. If a fellow was sick with fever, 
 they couldn't feed him ice 'cause nobody had 
 it. Everybody got sunstruck in summer an' 
 chilblains in winter. Mad dogs was common 
 an' if one of 'em bit a fellow, his family sent 
 for th' undertaker. It's a wonder they didn't 
 take consumptives out an' shoot 'em. They 
 never had a chance to go get the mornin' paper 
 off th' porch an' read th' news before break- 
 fast. They was lucky if they got to read a 
 almanac an' Pilgrim's Progress. Oh, them 
 was good old days, I don't think. 
 
 " Look out for that step gettin' off, grand- 
 paw! 
 
 " Let 'em off first! Let 'em off! 
 
 " Express to West Farms ! Bronx Express ! 
 
 " Watch your step I " 
 
 58 
 
BARE-ARMED WOMEN WANT YOU TO 
 LOOK AT 'EM 
 
 " You can tell spring's come by th' short 
 sleeves. An' I notice more nice ladies stand 
 up an' hang on the straps now, too. I 
 guess they want to put it over th' skinny 
 bunch that wears their sleeves long. But 
 my, my, how mad a woman gets if sh' 
 catches a man eyeing her pretty arm. She'll 
 stand for th' whole car gawkin' at her if she 
 thinks no particular one of 'em is doin' it. 
 She wants every fellow to see her arm but she 
 don't want him to see her catch him at it ! So 
 th' wise guys steal a look at th' dimples in her 
 elbow an' go on readin' about murders an' di- 
 vorces. 
 
 " One swell girl wanted me to have a fel- 
 low pinched who was lookin' at her arm like 
 he had a boil on his neck, but I was awful deaf 
 
 59 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 that morning. She knew when she got on 
 this car it wasn't full o' blind men. An' if she 
 didn't want that guy to see how plump her arm 
 was, she ought to wear sleeves like her 
 grandma does. It looks to me, when a woman 
 wears short sleeves an' shows her arms in pub- 
 lic sh' says to everybody, * Them's th' kind of 
 arms I got. Can you beat it? ' So I couldn't 
 blame th' fellow for lookin'. An' says I to my- 
 self, sh' ain't half as mad as she lets on. Sure 
 enough, she got off fixin' her hatpin, with both 
 arms up in th' air all th' way to th' stairs. 
 
 " Woman is a awful funny creature, anyway. 
 If you don't pay no attention to 'em, they get 
 peeved, an' if you pay too much, they call you 
 fresh. Anyway, I like to see hot weather an' 
 short sleeves. 
 
 " Up town local ! All stops to the Bronx ! 
 
 *^ Move up in th' center of th' car ! 
 
 " Step in out of th' way, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 60 
 
THEY OUGHT TO BE THEATERS FOR 
 WISE GUYS 
 
 " I took Lizzie out to see a show last night. 
 We got good seats for fifty cents right up- 
 stairs. We hadn't more'n set down 'fore a 
 man 'n a woman behind us knew all about th* 
 show. If they sprung any new gag on him, he 
 hollered * rotten ' an' he told th' old gags be- 
 fore th' actors did. She tried to shut him up, 
 but he wanted to get his money's worth tellin' 
 us. I was so bothered I couldn't make out 
 what th' show was about. I wish they was 
 some theater where green horns like me could 
 go see a show by ourselves. Mebbe we could 
 get into that feller's class then an' go to 
 his kind of shows an' tell other people what 
 was comin' next. They ought to have boxes 
 for them people like telephone booths with 
 glass windows where we could see 'em wiggle 
 
 6i 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 an' couldn't hear 'em talk. I'd pay extra to see 
 that feller buck an' gag if you couldn't hear 
 him cuss. Why don't them class of people 
 form a second nine an' play against th' real 
 actors? I'd bet they get all 'ats comin' to 
 'em. You know I kind-a feel bad for actors. 
 It ain't easy to make people laugh unless you 
 give 'em money or fall down on a banana peel. 
 They was a fellow come out on th' stage with 
 a line o' fast talk that had jokes in it. He told 
 'em good. I tried not to laugh but I couldn't 
 help it. But me an' Lizzie was almost th' 
 only ones that laughed. Th' other people sat 
 there all swelled up, never crackin' a smile. 
 They looked like they dared him to make 'em 
 laugh, an' by jing, he couldn't. 
 
 "I'd hate to make my livin' scarin' peo- 
 ple. But it's a heap easier than makin' 'em 
 laugh. 
 
 *' Grand Central ! Next, Seventy-second ! 
 
 " Don't stand in th' doorway ! All out ! 
 
 *^ Express to Bronx Park! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 62 
 
WOMEN'S GOT DYNAMITE IN 'EM 
 JUS' LIKE MEN 
 
 " Did you hear th' gentleman who got off 
 kickin' about women in poHtics? Some o' 
 these old geezers think nobody's got 
 any sense till he's got whiskers an' a Adam's 
 apple. We push women into everythin' 
 from teachin' school to takin' a man's job in 
 th' mill. We send girls to college till they 
 got brains like boys. We learn 'em to run 
 automobiles an' sail a boat. It ain't no won- 
 der they know a grafter when they see one. 
 An' it ain't half as hard for a woman to spot a 
 fellow that can act white, as it used to be. 
 Women's got more sense in pickin' an' 
 choosin' anyway. They got all th' brains th' 
 colleges got an' horse sense besides. You 
 can't keep a woman with a dynamo inside of 
 her darnin' socks, 'an talkin' over th' back 
 
 63 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 fence. Better wake up an' let 'em cut loose 
 in politics. I tell you you waste their snap 
 in tryin* to keep 'em fryin' eggs an' washin' 
 dishes. Give 'em a * look-in ' on what's doin' 
 with their wages an' their kids, an' you'll 
 double both of 'em. I hear a bunch o' women 
 on my car Saturday gabbin' away like ball 
 players raggin' a umpire. They was talkin' 
 about tariff on clothes. Say, them women 
 knew what they was talkin' about more'n any 
 political grafters you ever see. 
 
 " Nowdays war is foolish. Men used to fight 
 half th' time an' then split up what they was 
 fightin' about. That's th' way politics started. 
 An' when th' men don't fight, they ain't got 
 no business runnin' politics. Most women is 
 as full o' ginger as men. If you keep 'em at 
 home, you're just keepin' dynamite in th' 
 house. Let 'em out so they can blow up an' 
 not wreck nothing. 
 
 " Seventy-second ! Change for Express ! 
 
 " Lenox local ! All stops ! 
 
 " Let 'em out please ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 64 
 
SOMETHING FOR NOTHIN* 
 
 " You know you can ride all day long for a 
 nickel in th' subway ! All you got to do is to 
 get out at some express station, cross over to 
 th' other platform an' ride back agin. Nobody 
 does it much. Takes all th* fun out of it when 
 you know th' subway don't care. Don't you 
 remember when th' horse cars had slot ma- 
 chines in front, an' no conductor, an' you was 
 s'posed to drop your nickel? Th' driver got 
 a stiff neck lookin' back all th' time to see how 
 many honest people was ridin*. So long as 
 some people think they're beatin' a game, 
 they'll stick to it. I went to Atlantic City once 
 an' walked up to a Saratogy spring fountain. 
 I see a sign * 5 cents ' an' people all a-pushin' to 
 get some. I lays down my nickel an' th' boy 
 gives me a high glass o* water. After I 
 downed it an' shoved th' glass back, another 
 
 65 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 boy took my empty an' hands me a full one. 
 * Gee,' says I to myself, * he thinks I just paid 
 an' hain't had one yet.' So I swipes th' fresh 
 one an' swallowed that. Dinged if he didn't 
 push another glass at me when I put down my 
 second empty. I was beginnin' to get full, 
 but it tickled me so to beat them suckers I 
 stayed at th' game 'til I almost bloated. 
 Honest, I felt like th' Croton reservoir, an' had 
 to renig on th' fifth glass. It made me feel 
 bully to know I got four big drinks extra out 
 of them grafters, 'til I looked at th' sign agin 
 an' I see it said * Five Cents for all you can 
 Drink.' Now that was a shame. Here I filled 
 up till I gagged just 'cause I thought it was 
 beatin' 'em. Ain't it funny that a bargain ain't 
 a bargain unless you skin th' other fellow? 
 
 "Ninety-sixth! Ninety-sixth! Change for 
 Broadway ! 
 
 " Don't stand in the doorway! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 66 
 
COSTS MONEY TO HAVE "AUTO 
 LEG" 
 
 "He's got *auto leg.' That's what's eatin' 
 that fellow. When I was a kid them kind o' 
 people had hay fever. If one of us got to 
 sneezin' we just had a cold. Then them guys 
 commenced to get their 'pendixes cut out. 
 Us workin' people bought paregoric an' kept 
 our names out o' th' paper. Now they get 
 * auto leg ! ' They's more ginks got that dis- 
 ease than they is autos. If a fellow owns a 
 car an' gets 'auto leg' he gets cured easy. 
 He can bust th' speed limit or kill a rooster an' 
 he'll get his leg pulled, all right, all right. But 
 them sports that ain't got no auto, an' only 
 has auto leg, got to go to th' springs to get 
 cured. I had auto leg myself last sum- 
 mer. My feet got to hurtin'. Lizzie laughed 
 at me an' said I had kidney feet. My shoes 
 
 67 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 was full o' feet. So I goes to a swell doc- 
 tor, an' he listens to my heart beat an' says, 
 * My boy, you get up early every mornin' an' 
 take a long horseback ride in th' country.' 
 Says I, * Doc, I bet I get up so early no horse 
 I know is woke up yet, an' if I had a ridin' 
 horse I wouldn't be puUin' bell ropes an' 
 hoUerin' streets.' Doctors ain't got no busi- 
 ness to tell people such things. I'd ruther he 
 said to me, * Aw ferget it,' an' gimme a belt on 
 th' back. So I got mad at him an' I went to 
 th' company doctor. When I told him my 
 feet hurt, he says to me, * Did you ever try 
 washin' 'em?' By jing, that man can tell 
 what's th' matter with anybody. I told him I 
 had auto leg an' he says, ' No, you got bow 
 legs.' He's on to me, all right. You got to 
 have a roll o' bills in your pocket that'd choke 
 a sewer to have auto leg. 
 
 "Hunderd Thirty-fifth! Mott Avenue, 
 next! 
 
 " Both doors, both doors, please ! 
 
 "Step lively gettin' ojEE! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 68 
 
LOOKIN' GLASSES MAKES A HIT 
 
 "A fellow was tellin' me to-day 'bout some 
 wise judge over in Yorkville police court 
 gonna put a big lookin' glass in th* next room 
 to where he fines th' bums, an' th' judge was 
 goin' to make them hoboes go out an' look at 
 their pickled faces. He thinks that'll cure 
 'em. That judge don't know nothin'. Rub- 
 ber neckin' in a lookin' glass don't shame no- 
 body of his looks. It makes a woman pat her 
 back hair an' shove in her hairpins, an' it al- 
 ways makes a man swell up an' think he's th' 
 candy, every time. That's what keeps saloons 
 from goin' out o' business. You couldn't get 
 a jag in a bar room if you wasn't lookin' into 
 a 40-foot lookin' glass. That's why most fel- 
 lows don't like to go to church. They can't 
 set that long an' not see their faces. If a 
 church had lookin' glasses on its inside, you'd 
 
 69 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 go early to get in. I can't get Lizzie past one 
 o' them 5 & 10 cent windows. I like 'em too, 
 'cause you know how you look. 
 
 "An' don't you get in your head that any 
 fellow don't like his own looks. I see a fel- 
 low with a face like a horse run up to a slot 
 machine with a lookin' glass on it. Say, that 
 guy near looked a hole in that there glass. 
 Thinks I to myself, he'll pull out a razor an' 
 shave himself, he's so tickled. You see every- 
 body thinks he's just about right on looks. 
 That horse faced man knows he's th' right pat- 
 tern for a human bein'. He never gets tired 
 o' his face, an' you can't put enough lookin' 
 glasses in th' subway to worry him. No, sir, 
 that judge ain't goin' to make any drunk 
 shamed o' his face. A fellow's face is a birth- 
 day present an' he likes to know it's on him all 
 th' time. 
 
 " Mott Avenue ! Mott Avenue ! 
 
 "Look out, gettin' off! 
 
 " Both doors, both doors! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 .70 
 
TAIN'T NEITHER BLONDES OR 
 BRUNETTES 
 
 " Danny Lynch told me last night he seen in 
 th* paper all blonde women start things they 
 can't finish, an' all brunette ladies finish things 
 they can't start. He said that must be true, 
 'cause at th' hotel on Broadway where he's 
 house man all th' chambermaids is dark col- 
 ored an' all th' house keepers is light. Th' 
 light ones tell th' smoky ones what to do, an' 
 they do it. By th' time they get that did, 
 th' light ones tell 'em what else they can do. I 
 got started thinkin' about that, an' I must 
 have blonde blood in me. I can't finish. 
 Seems to me he ain't counted on th' most im- 
 portant women they is. That's th' red headed 
 ones. They beat th' blondes an' brunettes 
 to death. If a girl is a blonde nowdays you 
 ain't sure if it's a birthday present her mother 
 
 71 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 give her, or mebbe she bought it an' give it to 
 herself. If she's a real dark brunette, mebbe 
 her father's name was Sambo. You ain't 
 never sure. But a real red headed girl, with 
 them big freckles, an' blue eyes don't have 
 no' 'pologies to make. Talk about startin' 
 things an' finishin' things. You never seen 
 a red headed old maid in all your life. 
 You never seen one that couldn't put it all 
 over white faced blondes an' muddy faced 
 women. If them suffragettes got any sense, 
 they'd put all their sorrel top, freckle faced 
 women in front. Them are th' women that's 
 got our number. Red headed girls ain't buyin' 
 face paint an' hair dye all th' time. They ain't 
 got false faces. I'm strong for 'em. Lizzie's 
 got th' purtiest red hair you ever see. 
 
 "Jackson, Jackson! Next Prospect, Pros- 
 pect next! 
 
 " Don't stop in th' doorway! 
 
 " Keep on movin' up th' car ! Plenty room 
 forward ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 7^ 
 
TEASE 'EM WITH ICE CREAM 
 
 " Them suffragettes is at it all th' time over 
 in London'. I*d ruther be a umpire givin' 
 rottin' decisions dead agin th' Giants when 
 they're losin' at th' Polo Grounds 'n be them 
 English parliament fellers. 
 
 "I hear some guy say on th' car to-day 
 them London police arrest some women for 
 rock throwin' or playin' fire bug, an' take 'em 
 to jail an' pump food down 'em. When they 
 can't make 'em swaller it they turn 'em 
 loose. That's why them women doesn't stay 
 in jail. What's th' matter with them bob- 
 bies? If I was tumkeep an' they throwed 
 in a bunch o' ladies lookin' for me to squirt 
 pie down their gizzards, I'd fool 'em. They'd 
 get their dinner took to 'em all right, but 
 I sure wouldn't waste any time pokin' it 
 down. So they couldn't make any fuss about 
 
 73 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 it, I'd get Lizzie to make some tomato salad 
 with thick yellow gravy all over it, an' I'd lay 
 a plate o' that with strawberry ice cream right 
 under their noses. If them suffragettes made 
 snoots at it, an' hollered * scab ' at me, I'd say, 
 ' Lady bugs, don't hold your breath till you 
 get angel food, 'cause I ain't gonna get it.' 
 They couldn't do that foolishness in this coun- 
 try. Might as well try to bumfoozle y'ur 
 grocer into sellin' a box o' sardines an' a 
 sack o' flour without any money by tellin' him 
 you'd throw a fit right on th' counter if he 
 didn't. You might start th' fit on th' counter 
 but you finish on th' sidewalk. So long's 
 them English cops keep chokin' food down 
 them women an' turnin' 'em loose for not 
 swallerin' it, they'll keep them storekeepers 
 hoUerin' * fire ' an' * bloody murder.' 
 
 "Freeman Street! Next is Simpson! 
 Simpson next! 
 
 " This way out, lady ! 
 
 " Stand aside, an' let 'em off, please ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 74 
 
GET OFF MY BACK! 
 
 ** Now that election's over an' people com- 
 mence tellin' th' truth agin, let's get down to 
 th' bottom o' this high cost o' livin'. You 
 want me to tell you what's the matter with 
 us? We're ridin' each other's back. That's 
 what makes livin' cost so high. If you get 
 off my back an' I get off your back an' th' 
 other guys get off our backs, we'll all eat tur- 
 key. Here I'm holdin' down a job openin' 
 an' closin' doors lettin' you in an' out this car, 
 an' dingin' a bell to start it. You know where 
 I ought to be? I ought to be out growin' 
 somethin' to eat or wear. You know why I 
 ain't, don't you? It's 'cause this job looks easy 
 to me. I get my money, an' no headache with 
 it. 
 
 "You needn't talk! What you doin'? I 
 bet you're just hangin' on to a job helpin' some 
 
 75 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 big stiff get much as he can without givin' 
 much for it. What's gonna keep the cost o' 
 livin' down with half th' people tryin' to cheat 
 th' other half out o' what their old man left 
 or what they raised theirself? We got 
 enough town lots with bill boards on 'em 
 to raise potatoes to burn. If th' four flushers 
 boardin' in hotels an' city flats get out an' 
 tickle th' back yard with a hoe for awhile, 
 they'd know where garden sass comes from. 
 Most of 'em thinks it grows in refrigerators. 
 An' if these women spendin' their time 
 bleachin' their back hair get out an' learn to 
 bleach celery, they'd know what makes livin' 
 cost so much. It ain't 'cause food is harder to 
 grow'n it used to be. They's more people to 
 feed an' not so many people growin' it. Ridin' 
 always did cost more money 'n walkin'. 
 
 " Next stop, West Farms ! West Farms, 
 next! 
 
 " Don't stand in th' doorway ! Move for- 
 ward, please ! 
 
 " Step lively ! All aboard ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 76 
 
DO YOU GET SUMMER MISERY? 
 
 " Where'd you go this summer? You didn't? 
 Why didn't you? Everybody else did. That's 
 th' only reason I know of. It's th' summer 
 panic. You don't want to let your wife an' 
 children think you can't run fast as th' neigh- 
 bors. 
 
 " I know a fellow that clerks for th' Gas 
 Company. He's got four kids an' ninety dol- 
 lars a month. Every time hot weather comes 
 you can see him weaken. I ask him this year 
 which it was, th' seashore or th' mountains for 
 him. He says, *I tell you, Jerry, it's just 
 this way. They're all doin' it, an' you got to 
 go if you don't want your kids to feel 'shamed 
 o' their daddy an' th' old woman stay on th' ice 
 wagon for life. I don't mind payin' fare to th' 
 country but I don't see where th' joy comes in. 
 They put up at th' worst joint you ever see. If 
 
 .77. 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 that summer boardin' house was in our block, 
 my wife wouldn't speak to anybody that went 
 to it. I got a week off last year an' joined 'em. 
 They lived on canned tomatoes an' meat that 
 tasted like a boiled derby hat. It was too 
 hot to go out any day I was there. Mos- 
 quitos worked day an' night. My wife broke 
 her ankle fallin' off a chair. She was killin' 
 spiders on th' ceilin' with her shoe. Had to 
 do it every night. But my folks had to stay. 
 We let on it's fine. Where you goin' this 
 summer, Jerry ? ' I told him if I had to chase 
 off an' spend all I got just to prove I didn't 
 dare stay at home, I'm glad I can't. Every 
 married man I know has got this vacation 
 bug. Most of 'em ain't afraid of nothin', but 
 they all fall for this summer misery. Some 
 day, when their neighbors go 'way for the 
 summer, they'll be tickled to death an' live 
 cooler, have more fun an' sleep sounder than 
 they do all winter. 
 
 "West Farms! All out! Last stop! 
 
 " Look where you're goin' ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 78 
 
DON'T BLOW 'BOUT WHAT YOU 
 USED TO BE 
 
 "They ain't nothin' so dead as yesterday. 
 Lots o' people don't know that. You hear 'em 
 blowin' aroun' what happened to 'em eight 
 years ago last Monday like it was goin' on to- 
 day. When I hear a guy tellin' how he put 
 it over somebody last year, says I to myself, 
 'That mut's a dead one an' don't know it.' 
 "Nobody cares who you was last week. 
 They want to know who you are to-day noon. 
 You might blow a little 'bout what you're 
 gonna do to-morrow, but if you want a audi- 
 ence to listen to what you did last year, go talk 
 out in th' cemetery. Them tombstones got 
 plenty o' time to hear all about it an' you get 
 more whistlin' an' cheerin' out o' them 'n you 
 do from live ones. Take it from me, nobody 
 cares three whoops who you was. You can 
 
 79 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 fool yourself by lookin' at your picture in th* 
 album but th' other guys shut their eyes when 
 you show it to them. If you did anythin' 
 worth while an' got real stuff in you, you 
 keep so busy gettin' ahead right now, you for- 
 get you had a album. They's only one thing 
 people remember 'bout a man unless he's dead, 
 an' that is, how hard can he punch right now. 
 Nobody can remember th' horse Maud S. beat. 
 
 " Quit livin' last winter. Try this one. 
 Did y' ever drink fizz water left out in a glass 
 over night? Tastes like a rubber boot. 
 That's th' kind of a taste you make in every- 
 body's mouth when you tell 'em who you licked 
 last year. If everybody bragged about what 
 he used to be, they wouldn't be breath enough 
 left to * Hello ' in a telephone. 
 
 "Hunderd'n Tenth! Next Ninety-six! 
 Ninety-six, next! 
 
 " Don't stand in th' doorway ! 
 
 " Move up, move up, plenty o' room up 
 front ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 80 
 
WATCH THE NEW " SOUSE " 
 WAGONS 
 
 " If you want a good souse, without gettin' a 
 dollar an' costs next mornin,' go to Jersey 
 City. Th' Salvation Army got a big movin' 
 wagon an' a telephone, so when a guy spills 
 himself all over th* sidewalk, they call th' 
 souse wagon, an' them Salvation soldiers puts 
 him to bed. Mr. Souse wakes up in th' 
 mornin' with a clean nightie on an' a Bible 
 trac' in his hand. That'd sober most any fel- 
 low. That'll put th' damper on booze, all 
 right. Half th' fun o' gettin' spiflicated comes 
 from guessin' mebbe you land in th' calli- 
 boose. If they go to moUycoddlin' a drunk 
 like he was plain sick, that settles it. No real 
 sport'll ever touch another drop. 
 
 " How you gonna fix it with them booze 
 
 8i 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 fighters that has ' hang-overs? ' Don't you 
 know what a * hang-over' is? It's when you 
 keep wantin' more hair of th' dog to cure th' 
 bite with. Th' only sure cure for * hang- 
 overs ' so far is to have 'em put their tin cup 
 through th' bars th' next momin' so's th' 
 trusty pours hot chickory in it an' hancjs 'em 
 a chunk o' sour dough tastin' like a mule's 
 foot mat. If you don't want to eat it, set on 
 your lower berth till supper time, an' th' jailer'll 
 send it 'round agin. But say, if they gonna 
 tuck them souses in a trundle bed an' make 
 'em say * Now I lay me,' believe me, they bet- 
 ter watch 'em. I bet milkmen see more bare 
 legged souses with nighties on tryin' to bust 
 into saloons by sun-up than they ever seen. 
 
 " I'm gonna watch that souse wagon stunt. 
 If it works, they'll be some jailers quit jailin'. 
 
 " South Ferry Express ! South Ferry ! 
 
 " Hurry up ! We're late now ! 
 
 " Step lively, please, push on in ahead ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 82 
 
WE WAS ALL BABIES ONCE 
 
 " I had a car full of people goin' down to busi- 
 ness this mornin', an' them that wasn't chasin' 
 through their newspapers was glarin' at th' 
 rest like they wondered who opened th' door 
 last an' let that in. Then a trim lookin' woman 
 got on, carryin' a fat baby just old enough to 
 sit up an' take notice. She had to set be- 
 tween a old grouch you'd swore had eat a live 
 baby for breakfast an' another fellow studyin' 
 th' market reports so busy he didn't even move 
 over. That baby was right at home, an' tick- 
 led to death when it spotted old man * Grouch ' 
 in reachin' distance. Mamma was lookin' 
 through her hand bag for somethin' an' baby 
 started in to get th' old codger's goat. It 
 squealed an' goo-ed at th' old barnacle till 
 every guy on th' car got wise, an' you never see 
 such a lot o' rubber necks in your life. You'd 
 
 83 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 thought all of *em owned th' baby. A big duf- 
 fer 'cross th' aisle that had glowered at every- 
 body all th' way downtown was grinnin' like a 
 Chessycat. That little snoozicks had 'em all 
 goin'. Old Grouchy tried not to notice it, but 
 th' baby leaned way out an' punched its finger 
 in his eye, yippin' an' yellin' at him till th' old 
 chromo begin to laugh. I never see a car full 
 o' dill pickles liven up th' way that one did. It 
 seemed to make 'em all human bein's agin. I 
 got to thinkin' it was lucky we wasn't all born 
 standin' up ready to count money an' do a day's 
 work. Every time we think th' days ain't long 
 enough to grab all th' coin we want, better look 
 a little mut of a baby right in th' eyes. That's 
 where you come from, an' it makes you think 
 where you're goin' to. You know they hain't 
 no more use for coin where you're goin' than 
 where you come from. 
 
 *' Grand Central ! Next stop. Fourteenth 
 Street! 
 
 " Don't block up th' doorway! Let 'em on! 
 
 " Move up in th' car! Let 'em on! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " / 
 
 84 
 
TIGHT WADS GET " THEIRS " 
 
 " Most people quit bein' a good fellow soon's 
 they get money. I tell you gettin' money's 
 like bein' struck blind. Th* sun don't shine. 
 It jus' gets hot. An' th' fellow that's got 
 plenty o' money ain't afraid o' bein' called a 
 tight wad. It's th' mut that hain't got it that's 
 keepin' them taxicabs chasin' all over town. 
 An' when a guy's been poor an' been provin' 
 he ain't a tight wad by spendin' all his coin 
 faster'n he gets it, when that kind of a guy 
 gets real money he quits spendin' it an' gets 
 tighter'n any of 'em. Danny L5nich's got a 
 brother-in-law that saves every dollar he lays 
 his hands on. That fellow never buys a paper, 
 he never gets a shine, he don't drink, smoke nor 
 even chew gum. He wears a sweater all win- 
 ter to keep trom wearin' shirts. He makes 
 big money, too. If you'd pry a dollar away 
 
 85 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 from him, bet th' raw flesh'd come with it. I 
 don't see how he fooled Danny's sister into 
 marryin' him. Why, when he was runnin' 
 after her, he borrowed another fellow's horse 
 an' buggy, an' took her out ridin'. They was 
 passin' a candy store an' she sniffed an' says to 
 him, * My, but that smells good.' An' he says 
 to her, * Does it? Well, I'll drive closer, so's 
 you can smell it better.' It makes me laugh 
 when I think what happens to a tight wad's 
 money after he's gone. Th' stingiest old fel- 
 low I know left so much money to his boy he 
 commenced blowin' it before th' old man was 
 planted in Greenwood. Th' old codger didn't 
 even draw a tombstone. They was pepper 
 grass growin' all over his grave Decoration 
 Day. That's th' flower all right for tight 
 wads. 
 
 "Brooklyn Bridge! Brooklyn Bridge! 
 
 " Don't keep standin' in th' doorway ! 
 
 "Nobody can get in with you blockin' th' 
 way! 
 
 "All aboard, step lively, please! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 86 
 
WHAT'S YOUR HANDLE? 
 
 " If you call a fellow * Mister/ it don't mean 
 nothin' in this country. If you call him Judge, 
 or Doctor or Colonel, he'll jump thro' a hoop 
 for you. Most people freeze up when you call 
 'em * Mister.' I bet if some guy poke his 
 head in my car an' holler * good momin', Col- 
 onel' he'd think he was in th' War Depart- 
 ment. I got a friend that couldn't cock a toy 
 cannon an' they call him General. He was 
 clerk in th' Deficiency General's office in Okla- 
 homa, an' by jing, you couldn't prove he 
 wasn't in th' war. Since these colleges been 
 throwin' boquets at every man that's figured 
 out how to beat th' game, you're pretty safe 
 in calling any fellow * Doctor ' if he looks like 
 a winner. There's Doctor Carnegie, an' Doc- 
 tor Cook. One of 'em got it for givin' people 
 money an' the other one for takin' it away 
 from 'em. But 'perfessor' is a handle that 
 
 87 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 gets me mixed up. I don't know if he's a 
 book sharp or runs a barber shop, or comes 
 down in a parachute at PaHsade Park on Sun- 
 days. It ain't so easy to get called * Captain.' 
 You have to be a head waiter or been to a real 
 war to get that. 
 
 " Women don't get a fair show on this title 
 business. It don't help your mother any to 
 call her a lady, when they's scrub ladies an' 
 wash ladies an' perfect ladies an' colored 
 ladies. Lizzie's sister wouldn't answer a * ad ' 
 in th' paper for * sales ladies ' 'cause she didn't 
 have no automobile an' a Jap ki-yoodle, but 
 Lizzie told her to go 'long, that was just a 
 bait to catch 'em with. I see old Judge Dyck- 
 man on my car an' I says, * Judge, do you care 
 what people calls you,' an' he says, * I'm wor- 
 ryin' more 'bout their re-callin' me.' 
 
 " Here's your street, Major ! Fulton ! 
 Fulton Street! 
 
 " Step lively, there ! 
 
 " Look out, Governor, for that lady that 
 wants to get on ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 88 
 
HENPECKED MEN DON'T NEVER 
 GIVE UP THEIR SEATS 
 
 " Every man stands up for some woman once 
 in a while, even on a street car. This givin' 
 your seat to a woman is all owin' to how you 
 was brought up. Of course, every man that 
 ain't a dog gives up his seat to a old lady or 
 a woman with a baby. I'm talkin' about com- 
 mon, every day women. If your sisters is old 
 hens an' your wife fights her neighbors all th' 
 time, you keep your seat. All th' women 
 standin' up look like th' kind you have to eat 
 with. A man 'at's henpecked at home never 
 gives his seat to a woman. That's th' only 
 way he gets even. Takes it out on all th' 
 other women. If th' women you know th' 
 best is good pals, you'll be decent to any 
 woman. Lizzie is th' only woman I know. 
 An' every time I see a petticoat I think of 
 
 89 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 Lizzie, an* it can have my seat. To-day all 
 but one of th' seats in my car was full of Wall 
 Street men goin' to work. When we stopped 
 at Fourteenth Street a man came in my door 
 an' a woman stepped in th' side door. He 
 beat her to th' empty seat. All th' other guys 
 looked at him like he was a chicken thief. 
 None of 'em give up their seat, but they sure 
 did kill that fellow with looks. I kinda felt 
 sorry for him. It seemed to me she had as 
 much right to their seats 's she did to his. 
 But they didn't think so. I suppose it's a 
 game where th' last one to get a seat ought 
 to be th' goat an' give it up. Lizzie's uncle 
 Henry says, ' You never lose what you don't 
 have,' an' th' other fellows knew they'd be 
 losin' a real seat. Th' new chap hadn't 
 warmed his up enough to own it yet. 
 
 "Wall Street, Wall Street! Bowling 
 Green, next! 
 
 " Be careful gettin' out ! 
 
 "Watch your step!" 
 
 90 
 
IT'S DULL KNIVES MAKES MEAT 
 COST HIGH 
 
 " You know why th' price o' beefsteak's gone 
 up, don't you? No, it ain't th' trust nor it 
 ain't politics. It's all on account o' silver 
 plated knives poor people buys an' cuts their 
 meat with. When I was a kid we had knives 
 that could cut. Nowadays, th' knives an' 
 forks look pretty, but you can't cut butter with 
 'em 'less it's hot. When my old dad fetched 
 home a chuck steak, us kids tackled it with 
 them bone handled steel knives that had razor 
 edges on 'em. You could cut sheet iron with 
 'em. They cut steak so easy we never 
 thought it was tough. In them days you 
 never heard a word about tenderloins an' por- 
 terhouses. It was all steak. Th' butcher 
 got about as good a price for rump steak as 
 he did for sirloin. An' then they got out 
 
 91 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 these silver plated knives an' everybody had 
 to look swell. So they all bought these bum 
 knives. Then when dad come home with th' 
 same rump steak, a big holler went up. No- 
 body could cut it. The kids couldn't, maw 
 couldn't an' when th' old man tackled it, he 
 couldn't. We never thought o' layin' it on 
 to th' knives. Dad went back an' kicked at 
 th' butcher. He didn't know dad had silver 
 plated knives, an' he did know dad had got th' 
 best flank steak he had, so he tried loin steak. 
 Then when dad kicked again, he tried tender- 
 loin an' up went th' cost o' livin'. Everybody 
 had to have tenderloin 'cause their silver 
 plated swords wouldn't cut rump steak. If 
 you trade off them silver plated knives for 
 th' old kind that's got a hair edge on 'em, th' 
 price of beefsteak'll go down. Nobody's 
 gonna eat steak he can't cut. 
 
 "Express to Brooklyn! Brooklyn Ex- 
 press! 
 
 " Move up in front, please ! 
 
 " Let' em on, don't stand in th' doorway ! 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 92 
 
IS ALL TH* ANGELS FAT? 
 
 " They say * Nobody loves a fat man ' but I 
 made up my mind to get fat. If I was mar- 
 ried an' had a boy to raise, I'd make him fat 
 if I had to sit on his chest and feed him 
 noodles. It beats education all hollow. The 
 fatter you get him th' richer he'll get. It's 
 better'n life insurance. Gimme a fat boy 
 every time. You see people like to be jollied. 
 A fat fellow does it. They don't want to hear 
 any hard luck story. Th' fat man ain't got 
 any to tell. Most people want to get close to 
 a fat man. They like to hear him laugh. If 
 a fat man ever gets broke, he can raise more 
 dough than two boney fellows. An' you 
 know, you can't drown a fat man. If he falls 
 in, he bobs aroun' like a cork. All he does is 
 make th' water splash over th' banks. An' a 
 fellow tol' me somethin' yesterday that sure 
 
 93 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 did surprise me. He said no fat man ever 
 went to Sing Sing! If you want to beat th' 
 game, get fat. Th' lawyers live off th' skinny 
 ones. Worry makes you lean. If you worry, 
 you ain't right in th' head. Th' other fellow's 
 money looks like your'n. So does his wife an' 
 his house an' lot. An' while you're oodled, 
 you get mixed on your dates, an' you wake up 
 in a lawyer's office. When th' judge says: 
 * Where were you last Friday night, answer 
 yes or no? ' you choke almost to death. But 
 you see, if you're fat, they never suspect you. 
 You get two seats, an' nobody passes you. 
 When they call you down, you just chuckle, 
 an' if they get mad at you, you laugh out loud. 
 No, sir, they's no fat convicts. If all th' Sun- 
 day Schools was used to grow fat people in, 
 you could rent Blackwell's Island for picnics. 
 
 "Borough Hall! Borough Hall! Hoyt 
 Street next! 
 
 " Step one side, please, and let that man 
 off. 
 
 " Watch your step ! 
 
 » 
 
 94 
 
REAL MOURNIN' DONT MAKE A 
 BLACK NOISE 
 
 " If me an' "Lizzie gets married, an' I take sick 
 an' die, she needn't go wearin' black mournin', 
 an' go 'round lookin' like a two legged hearse 
 all th' time. I ain't lookin' for Lizzie to get 
 gay next week after I'm planted. She's got 
 to go to Woodlawn three or four Sunday after- 
 noons to see th' grass growin' right, an' 'en 
 she ought to put on th' purtiest white dress 
 she's got, an' sail right out among 'em. By 
 golly, that tickles me to think about. What's 
 th' good o' keepin' th' funeral goin' after you 
 paid th' undertaker? They tell me heaven's 
 th' finest place ever, an' people livin' good an' 
 proper is laughin' all th' time up there, an' 
 tellin' each other * trade lasts ' on how purty 
 their wings is, but every time one o' them 
 angel husbands goes an' looks down at little 
 
 95 
 
WATCH YOUR STEP 
 
 old earth spinnin* along like one o* Christy 
 Matthewson's curve balls, he can't see his 
 widow for th' black on her. All th' other 
 muts she ain't cryin' for takes a peep an' 
 says they, * She's a humdinger, ain't she ? ' 
 An' 'en they foller her like sheep runnin' after 
 salt. It don't help him sleep well nights up 
 there to know his old girl is advertisin' for 
 Number Two. This mournin' stunt is half 
 fake, an' th' other half crazy. You don't 
 see husbands doin' it. Some o' them get 
 a black band sewed on a pink overeoat. They 
 hold on to th' car strap with that arm. 
 
 " When Lizzie's aunt Sally was buried, her 
 brother came to th' Motorman's Ball that 
 same night. But he was purty decent about 
 it. Soon's he got in, he said he'd only dance 
 th' plain waltzes, on account o' aunt Sally's 
 funeral that day. They couldn't get him to 
 turkey trot or bunny hug. 
 
 " Atlantic Avenue ! Atlantic Avenue ! 
 
 " Last stop, all change. 
 
 " Be very careful gettin' off. 
 
 " Watch your step ! " 
 
 96 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
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