Class r$S i"OB CopyiigMl JO CCPXRIGHT DEPOSm THE BISKITS ARE GONE LOUIS E. BROWNING LOWRY CITY, MO. THE BISKITS ARE GONE fay LOUIS E. BROWNING lowry'city, mo. COPYRIGHT 1917 BY LOUIS E. BROWNING ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ©CU4.'f?-74 NOV 26 1917 -3L n-- PREFACE. This book is a originality. Based upon the actual experiences that the writer has had. Not altogether fiction if you could see the writer and talk to him you would undoubtedly be convinced. LOUIS E. BROWNING, Lowry City, Mo., Author. THE BISKITS ARE GONE. On my trip to the west^ I got within a few miles of Fort Scott, Kansas, I jumped out of the covered wagon, and said to the man by the side of the road. Where is the state line ? He said back there about a quarter of a mile. I went back and said> Pa, the biskits are gone. He said get in this wagon! I said Pa the biskits are gone, he said get in this wagon, I got in that wagon, I said Pa you have been misinformed by the Capitalist Papers, as to the wheat industry of Kansas. I expected to find biskits strewn along the State Line, of course I wuz young that is not old, very young, so you see pa's experience wuz also. We went and got to Fort Scott at last it is a magnificent little town, especially some features there. The streets took pa's eye I think both eyes, as to the diamond shaped streets. And when we arrived proper Pa jumped out of the wagon, bought and brought to the cuvered wagon two pads for Fannie and Dollie. I said Pa who is that talkingup there in that hall? He said I don't know. The speaker was talking loud and forcible. I said is that Daniel Webster talking, Pa said you know Daniel Webster is dead. Oh, yes, I would have said Bill Bryan if he had been prominent at that time. We went on and on. I said to Pa, in the heart of the town what branch is this, he says this is not a branch. This is the Mamoton River. We drove to the out-skirts of the town in order to get out of town, down a hill and I think up a hill to my best recoUekshun if we hadn't we wouldn't have never gotten back on the level, and past a place where I guess they made jugs, I said what is that? Pa said he didn't know THE BISKITS ARE GONE and laughed, well I said I want to know. Further on I jumped out of the wagon and asked the boy if we could water the team he says yes, I motioned to the wagon Pa responded to unhitch, I didn't have time to help I was get- ting information the boy says where are you going I says to Kansas. He says you are in Kansas now, Is that so I said. Oh yes to Commanche Kansas I mean. He said what do you want to go out there for I said for opportun- ity, He said' it is too dry out there for anything you had better go back to Missouri. I said why? He said they only raise cattle and they are short girted. I said I'll be dogged on and on we traveled guess thru a town of one store. No flies on that town now, growed so fast that the gasoline fans I mean turned by gasoline engines have blowed them back into Missouri. All got sick no we did- n't Pa got sick what on alkili water of course, finally he got too sick to travel any further- I said turn back we will make a mistake in risking our lives any further. I hate to as we are learning so fast and much, but health is worth more than information. I tell you sir, the horses would not drink the water then how would you expect us to drink it and especially keep well on our first trip out of Missouri- Kum back to Missouri waited a few years and I took the Kansas fever so hard that my ears flopped- How do you know they did? Because they used to tell me that I would be a good telegraf operator therefoT"* my ears flopped. Several years afterwards I concluded to go to Sumner County Kansas I went to a certain town on the main line or a trunk I don 't remember which before I started I went into Smiths Restorent or Caffy maybe it THE BISKITS ARE GONE was a grocery store, anyway i got ail of the cheese I could eat for a couple of days. I thought I would eat soru Sal- omn and sardenes. I went to the depot said mister, are you the depot man ? he said yes, I says I want to git a ticket to a certain town in Southern Kansas. I don't know where it is, I said I do, he said have you been there no have you seen the town ? Yes you said you have not been there how do you know it if you have not been there then. In the name of common sense how have you seen it if you have not been there, I says don't you know that you can draw imaginary lines, he said no, I says I do, how ? I says I have seen it on the map. What is the fare mister depot man? About eleven dollars- Steep, aint it, he said how do you know ? I said from the map- How long have you been here mister depot man? Seventeen years- well I don't know how to send you, I says if you don't I don't. Took me into anty room showed me something on the w^all, I no more than waited till he got out of the room I hollered loud Oh depot man. He come, he said I don't know how to send you he began to change his mind about me by this time he said I will send you to a certain town and then you will have time to make up your mind which way you want to go from there. I seen something that took my eye I think both eyes till this day so did the cheese- I met) up with a ice man on the train he said where are you going, I says to Kansas. Was you ever there be- fore? I says possibly, he got information didn't he. The ice man was going south in April I said where are you from? He said Iowa I says you are wise he didn't ask me. 8 THE BISKITS ARE GONE If he had do you know what I was going to say, owing to the cold weather np north. He said he didn't like my part of the country of course I wished to know why, he said he had been down to see one of my very distant na- bers I knowed him when I meet him in the county conven- tion every two or four years he wuz on the same side of politicks that I am- He said he didn't like my country and keep saying it finally I says why? he said because he chilled/ how long did you stay my friend? He said over night. Was he not wise going south to make ice in the spring of the year. I arrived in a good town I monkied around till dark and concluded I would eat some sammons and sar- denes as I did not have any with me, I wuz a terrible sam- mon and sardene eater. Santered into a store I says have you any sammons clerk? He said yes. Fix em up. He said we don't fix them up. I said sardenes then he said we don 't fix them up I thought not much of it- I walked into another store- Clerk said something? Yes- What is it? I said some sardenes fixed up- Clerk said we don't fix them up- I told him sammons then fix em up. I said in Missouri they ^x. em up. Oh this is Kansas is it not. Mind you I hadn't anything but cheese for a couple of days. I went down to the depot looking for my grip, now I have learned to call it in this respect or attitude, telescope or in the other attitude of suit case I believe or soop case I mean grip. I had with me what I am speaking of, I looked at derricks and oil wells, Why was I fooled in the meal is because there wuz I. supposed nothing to eat but oil and gas. I THE BISKITS ARE GONE look at oil running out of tanks what do you think I look with, telescope no, What then, my eyes. I had sev- eral people looking for niy grip a nigger porter found it he said in the waiting room I was in a jBlx appearantly for a^ hour and a half what do you think I had in the grip, Stocks and bonds ? No, I could not get stocks and bonds in my grip what was it, fashion ? No, not that kind I told that porter that grip was not mine and time for me to laugh, I says I have it with me he said where is it, I pointed to my wrist. I landed in a good tov/n you remember I started from Missouri in April still April night. Upon my arrival in the town at that^ time the banner county for wheat I asked ten thousand questions! think about the wheat belt before daylight. Everyone had their eye upon me would keep asking me questions and where I was from, of course I would keep telling them When I got off the train I thought would walk into I don't know what it was w^alk- ing in a circle I said what do you charge it was a drum- mers place I am satisfied now that it wuz he responded with a price of fifty cents that took my breath for awhile or apparently so. I said I have heart failure and into the open air I went? I says look out the doctor prescribed me to go fast when I felt ailed, they got out of my wa[y and I did go fast, happened toj run up to a hotel I later found they called it. I said mister I want to stay all night and he said walk in He said what's the matter? I says I have been running? he said what for? I said I don't know what they call it in Kansas but they call it that in Mis- souri. He said no one wuz after you why did you run. 10 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 1 said I was running away with fifty cents don't you think it was worth running for. I went to a grocery store went in and the merchant and clerk was leaving and asked me ii there was something they could do for me, I told them a great deal- I said I want five cents worth of cheese and crackers. I am awful hungry. I eat them with an up-to- date expression, eager to know where I was from. I said from Missouri- Train? where to the train. I said Kansas- Where are you from to Kansas. I said Oh I understand you now where then the old coun- try what old country, which one England or Glermany? I said Missouri. They laughed plentifully. The clerk said that is what I thought. I said so did I. I inquired for the copper king. They said he was out west. I said aint this out west ? I got in with the court next morning. I mean we call it circuit court in Missouri as a speculative medium. Didn't I look it? I inquired for habitation. They informed me they didn't know what I meant. I re- sponded where people are inhabited or gathered to gather annually not health resortively said they were inhabited- I didn't know it I says I didn't know it. I monkied around in Kansas six months, was in Northern Kansas I guess, up in another district when I learned something. When I learned through loafing in a store not a joint said there is one thing I don't like out west and the merchant re- sponded without hesitancy said what's that? Well I says I used to like back in Missouri sammons and sardenes bet- ter than a hog does slop we have them here. I said fix^ em up then, I have starved almost six solid months think of it mister merchant. He said I can't cook, my wife THE BISKITS ABE GONE 11 and daughter is up north on a visit, I said good gracious i aon t want tiiem cooked, merely want you to cut the can open, i aon t carry a knil'e, pour them in a bowl or dish so tliey won't kill me, and put a little vinegar on. Why he responded is that what you call fixing them up ? Sure it is I says. Why I said I very often fix them up that way for the boys if that is what you call them fixed up. I said that is what we call fixed up in Missouri. Alright, cut the can open, pour into the bowl and put a little vine- gar on,' not too much now. I will tell you when to stop. I eat and eat I don't know how many cans of course not large ones. I had an inviting capacity for same I said they are the best I have eat for six months, and the last I have eat too. It took six months to learn how to ask for them so I could get them fixed up. I am now a vegetarian. I went into Arkansas once from the west along the road in the West at a certain town on the Pacific. There was an awful pretty girl came through the train and sat down beside me. Why? Because there wuz no other seat in the coach. She began chatting and I began gabbing. I told her I was almost ashamed of my nationality. She said she was not ashamed of hers she said I am a Norwe- gian and| proud of it. I said Oh you are with a sigh. She said yes I am a Norwegian and proud of it. I said to her your country and my country lie up there side by side. They was into controversy but in harmony with each other now. I told her that I didn't know what a blond was. She said I will tell you. I said tell me then. She described it as this. A tall light complected stalwart staturally looking person with blue eyes and light hair. 12 THE BISKITS ARE GONE Well I says then I did not know until you informed me. I have heard of a bluenette. What is a bluenette? She said you mean a brunette. Yes mam I mean a brunette. She said you mean a brunette- Yes mam what's the dif- ference between a bluenette and a blond V She informed me the difference is lhat the bluenett} is a sLade dark. I took a trip down through OklalioDia as appeared to me in about the eastern northern or central southern portion of Oklahoma. When we got to a town called Gore wuz. No one answered I elevated my voice another time and two times again. I went back into the coach and said to the man I was acquainted with, say this town seems to be named after Senator Gore. He said yes. I said has it not changed its name. He said what do you mean? I said from the appearence of things it would have to. He said why. Because it's older than Gore's prominence. I landed in Arkansas once and the first thing I noticed was the Arkansas River. Do you know what the Boston Mountains reminded me of the first time I went through them? The Cumberland Mountains in Tennessee. You have heard how they do in Arkansas here is one way. I was down at the depot one night about eleven thirty. I guess I was on the outside of the depot in straw- berry time. I noticed something very queer on the in- side of the depot through the winders in the waiting room There was seven children of various ages all singularly born> and all but their mother stretched out a sleep on the floor. Pretty soon a man came down with something in his arms. Can you guess what it; was? He said where are you frum? I says from Missouri. THE BI SKITS ARE GONE 13 That struck him harmoniously and we was acquainted in a jiffy. He said I am going to feed these bananas to them there children in the morning. It is cheaper. I have seven of them in the depot there. I said that is what I thought, and he said he would after me questioning him as to appliance of them how he would feed? He said he would count them out. I said like feeding a horse corn? He said yes. Well mister, will you equate ? He said what do you mean ? How do you do, give same regardless of age? No> he said, you don't feed a colt as many ears as you do a growed up horse, do you? No I said. I said much obliged for the information my friend. I will see you in the morning, bed time for me. Say I want to say it was a sight to me. While I was down in Arkansas there was a family came over from an adjoining county and brought a^ hog crated in a wagon larteded it out and when they got thru harvesting strawberries loaded it up and took it home with them. The nigger don't think any more of going to the pen in the south than we do of going to court in a civil suit. I used to have a hankering for working in a store. I tried and tried and finally hired to my sor- row. Finally I succeeded in obtaining a position as Clerk I walked into a store and bought a pair of heavy overshoes did not know what store it wuz, the merchant stepped up and asked me if anything I wanted to buy ? I told him I wanted to look at a overcoat. He tried to sell me a light overcoat in the dead of winter in a northern zone, not only that but the latest cut. He was making poor success with 14 THE BISKITS ARE GONE the sale so he called another one of the firm at hand he took charge of me that made me suspishus. I came within seventyfive cents of dealing. I made a mistake as I usual- ly do and I told him I didn 't know as to value or quality then he tried to lead me to believe I ought to take his word for the cloth after the sale. He failed to make the deal and I was walking out. It looks like you was pretty busy in here And he said he was\ and wanted to hire a clerk and asked me where I was from? And I told him from Missouri. He didn't know me and hired me. I worked for three fourths of a day and he put me to de- livering goods and told me I would find the horse and delivery wagon in the coal shed and so I did. I conclu- ded I would have a cow to milk by night and quit the clerkship and that is my experience in clerking in a store. I went into a hardware store and the clerk jumped at me with a dignifying walk and said something, with a tone of sweet complexion ? I said yes., He said what will it be? I says quinine. He says this is a hardware store. Well I says I know it He says we don't keep quinine, here. I said you don't. I took a sighing look across. Yonder is a drug store, li said, do they keep it there. I went over that away but didn't go in, didn't want any quinine. One time I was going along a street in the west and noticed a young fellow drive up just after a rain with a fine horse and buggy had on kid gloves met some other boys there, he said isn't it a fright, in a soft tone. He looked too soft to touch light bread. I was walking along a street in a western town and seen a middle age man tying a horse, the man I wuz with THE BISKITS ARE GONE 15 I said to him wait a minute, he said alright. I stepped back and said to the man tying the horse want to ask you this question is it in order ? He said it was, I want to know if you are from Missouri ? He said no from Texes. Very well I knowed you wuz from Missouri or Texes. He said why? Because you spoke to me. Was sitting in a hotel one time in sun flower state. I looked up all at once eaten I said is that a electric lamp ? One of them guests said yes. I says I didn't know, we have gas lights in Missouri and pointed to myself. A girl you may fall in love with you know how to tell whether she looks good to you? if she is light complected you will want to get a perpendicular look at her and if dark complected straight look. , I got in a wreck and was laid up four hundred miles from home and the hotel lady where I was taking my abode said it is too bad you are so far away from home in this condition. What do you mean by condition? You are hurt. Yes mam, I know it, I know it. She said that 's what I mean. I says wont I hurt in Missouri the same as up here four hundred miles away? She said with a astonishing look yes. One time was crossing the Panhandle of Texas border onto New Mexico and I crossed the plains on Christmas morn- ing one little town forgot .the name of it but it was on north side of track ? What did you see ? A band of the pur- tiest girls you ever did see looking right up into my face. Did you faint ? No. What did they do, serinade the train, what did you say ? I says I am from Missouri. What was reason she was looking at you? Because she did not 16 THE BISKITS ARE GONE know my age two reasons one is from Mo. and other is of right age I was. I stepped out on the platform asked where the Senator The first time I ever seen the mountains was out west. Where was you when you last seen them ? In Arkansas. I went to Montana pnce. What do you think I seen ? A purty girl. Oh yes. Is that all Montana has ? Oh no, but the best thing she possesses is a gurl. What for? To go to a dance. How far, from fifty to one hundred miles from where ? From home. How long do they stay ? Till dance is over. The other day I seen a man take the train oh my how big was he? You mean you seen a man run to catch the train. Once I seen a R R. train stop for hour what for? Don't know. Don't you have any idea? Yes, What wuz it? Owing to the deficiency of the engine Do you have any idea why you see women folks and men too go to the train back east wuz asked when out west? My reply was what year did you go to Mo.? World's fair, they didn't know how did you go horse back no mule back no under common sense then how did you go ? On the train oh yes I see you could do that. You didn't answer my question. No what was it? Why does people, especially women make trains? I did- n't know before that women makes trains. They are made in factories by skilled labor and great mechanics and great machinery. ^ Should have said meet trains that's what I thought. Where? At the depot. Well I will endeavor to answer you because westerners hadn't been there already. So THE BISKITS ARE GONE 17 you see by the time the train wuz gone done gone done been there. On the train I met a woman out on a western trip. Where are you from? she said. From Missouri. Who was she? A detective. Was you scared? No. Why? Because I wuz used to detectives. Where? In Missouri. She was, how did you know she was? Because she would keep saying how silly I am, I would keep saying you don't look it. I mistrusted she being a detective then I said in my judgment you are from Missouri but please tell me if I am not right? You are on that Mister but how did you know? She said to me because you said while ago that Jim Tom and John varned you against rattle snakes and that buffalo had don'^' been there in the west. She said you are right. I said of course. , At one time going through one of the northern states hard for me to recollecti the name of the state owing to' the condition of my mind, I found my ideal you have often heard feller has one ideal in life time only one usually. Found mine on a train, she was not a pippin because she was prettier than a Missouri apple tainted enough with a collor to make her complexion shine through a reversal national makeup. I rode one time through the south on a train without a ticket. The man of conduction, you mean conductor, come to me with looked like a hog ringer, I said what do you want? He said ticket. I said I haven't got any tic- ket. He said you have to have. I said who are you? He said I am the auditor and I said auditors are not on trains, he said where are they then? Attending to their duties. I am, that is what I am doing now he said. I said where is 18 THE BISKITS ARE GONE your book ? He said what do you mean? and he said what do you mean? He demanded the ticket or money. I says auditors are in capitols. He laughed and said I will get your ticket, I says you won't I will give it to the conductor. I walked into a lumber yard and said I want to see the manager. The feller said you are talking to him now. He said young man what do you want? Well I want to know if you will trade this lumber yard for a farm. He said what size farm? I said eighty to one hundred sixty acres. He laughed and said We shipped sixty four thous- and dollars' worth out of here today. I said where are the wagons, and went on. Do you believe him? Was walking with a friend in one of the cities in the west and I said to him lets go into this building. Why? he said and I said its fifteen stories high. The other day I fell eight stories in here. He looked astonished. I said I went up in a whirlimig and come down eight stories. Oh he said in an elevator I said you call em that I guess so. I told a man I was desirious of writing a book, he said how will you do that? I said compile facts and that makes records and have book of records. What do ladies remind you of? Owing to style of shoe. What is a periodical? A reputable What is a particular? It's not perticular What is accept? Its not except. What is a definition to intelligence ? Hard to find. What is smartness? It is onions. How do you know when to quit plowing for supper? Owing to what century of time you are living. ^ THE BISKITS ARE GONE 19 What kind of hand do you prefer on the farm ? One that whistles and sings. Why? Because worry is what hurts. When I was in the wheat belt I hired out to cut bands for a steam thrasher somewhere in Dakota, for three or four weeks. My feet got sore from the waubble of the machine. The boys said I found when I was about through that it was a long, sharp tack sticking straight up in the heel of my shoe. The foot was so bad that the boys brought me a felt shoe and it felt better. The waub- ble of the machine caused it so that I just had to quit. The boys did hate^ to see me quit because I was a good Mis- souri hand and they put at me to have my foot amputated and I didn't know until the other day but what it meant lanced, and I find that it is to cut it off and am gla^d now that I didn't yield to the boys' suggestions. What is paper? Ground material. What is newspaper? It's what goes on in general. Why do you read newspapers? So I know what the world's doing, that educates me. How? I am forced then to study the maps in geography. How would it force you to study when a bond election is held somewhere and rates are tecknical or fractional sometimes want to know why, through curiosity, then fig- ures gives me practice. What is ambition? High range of thought. What is estimation? Guessing. What is judgment? Not guessing. Judgment is knowledge. What is the difference in tongues? Various. 20 THE BISKITS ARE GONE What is a contractor? A man that represents himself against several. What is a locater? A five year sticker. Coal digger? Is a pleasure maker. How's that? He furnishes heat for chair warmers. Coal inspector is a law investigator of banks. I had a toothache and asked everybody I seen except statesmen, reason for that I lived in the country and didn't come in contact with them. If had better have my jaw tooth pulled or not, and some one would say yes, and some would say have it filled. You see people differ on any question. My mind is subject to change. That's the reason I suffered with my gums for three weeks for the want of a conclusion. Finally I made up myl mind after consulting two doctors and two dentists conclusively. I went to a doctor. He said sit down there. I said how Doc ? He showed me how to set. I set and he come with a hog ringer, supposed to be a faucet. I said? doc? what have you got? He said sit down there. I says, what are you going to do with them there hog ring- ers, doc? He commenced pulling and I commenced streaching. He got taller and I got louder. I motioned to go ouj fraid he would leave the tooth half cocked, which he did. I got up thinking I was at a health resort. I was where there wuz a man handing up water in cups with both hands, as people wuz coming up to fence by spring there wuz 6 or 8 acres full of people, and I seen an old man say Mother in the morning early lets wait till the croud leaves. What's difference between wind storra and hail storm? One is compressed air, and the other is frozen wotter. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 21 Reason for writin this book have compiled r»)£ions and just telling them I could not arrive at airy benefits in that way. Do yu know whot a reson is ? Well formed idees. Do yu know whot a pianer tooner is carrying with him? No. What is it? Tules. Do you know what he re- minds me of? No. Whot do yu sa? A drummer. Whot is called thereselves travelling men? Drummers. Whot should we call a traveling lady? A travelingress. Why do peches taste good? Because of being delicious. Why are plums sour? Because other frate is sweet. How old is that horse ? Do you want to trade for him, owing to if you want to trade for him in his mind in- wardly. I wuz on the train one time cuming thru mizzuri ^nd I thot I wuz shot. The conductor wanted to brand me by putting a card in my hat band, and I thot he had a pistol. It wuz after dark between the coaches and I pulled his hand down thinking he. had a pistol leveled on my fore- head and I wuz scared, kum to find out he wuz only tag- ing me so I could ride thru. Reason for the name of carpenters is because of bilding cars, and pen comes in on drawing line, you know they draw. One timq I become burned. I mean sunburned, and I washed and washed but didn't appear to effect it any. I wuz asked what a divorce is, and here is my answer separation of supposition. I suppose you know what is slippery on the sidewalk? Is it land? No, what then ice? No, what then? Banana peelings. 22 THE BISKITS ARE GO NE I participated in a Sunday skule exercize when 13 years old and there wuz 13 in class we all had vurses of corse, and the verse above me says what will we do when we get to be men? And my verse says we will do the talking then. Reason I am still a boy have never dun the talking yet. I said at one time when very small boy, Pa, looks like any block head could be a lawyer. Yes, Pa says, it is a block heads bizness, reason I am not an attorney now. I used to of en say if I had ten thousand dollars could make a million dollars, could have too, doing how? Buy- ing options on futures^ valuations of land That's reason I am a wind jammer in the peoples estimation. ' In Kansas I am called Mo. because I give the history of Mo., in Mo., a fool and in Arkansas a cifer, its an o, you know. I wuz asked the difference between plow beem 40 years ago and now, I says 6 feet. Also wanted to know difference between a mole board plow and one now. I says steel. Do you know what a easterner will experience if he goes west to harvest ? It will be horse experience in N. W. I wuz thrashing one time as a machine hand and we wuz sleeping in a barn loft of course. I herd the hogs in the driveway grinding away on the wheat. I thought wuz in a flour mill. I hollered out and said the mills running, I hear the burs cracking. One of the hands said, say lay down there. I can't sleep for the mill I says, one of them hands says its nothing but the billy goats and hillbillys from Mo. that is running. What did you think of the fight? If political fight I THE BISKITS ARE GONE think foolish one? a grain fight a financial fight? fist fight muscular fight. A fellow said to me if you draw anything what would you do ? I says I wont draw anything, yes now but if you should? What would you do, sell it at auction. What are kidney beans good for? To eat. Corn field beans? Then why don't they call them liver beans? For this reason, they are generally grown in a hog lot. Why? Because kidneys are a kind of a gigantic organ and nec- essary to have organs, and they are next thing to a hog. A friend of mine and myself wuz driving along and all at once we seen a snake, and my friend jumped out of the buggy and cut his head off. Did he ketch it ? Firsffc yes he caught it first, I said do you want a drink? I had it in the buggy, he said send the drink to him, he 'wuz hold of snake with left hand and his knife in other hand, I could not get the snake medicine to him, tiie wild horses was frightful. If he would turn it loose he would not be able to ketch it again. I couldn't leave the team, wuz fraid of it, so wuz the team. The snake would try to get at us and the team would whirl aroundl agin, and I wuz shudderin and couldn't hold them hardly at all I holler- ed to my friend and told him I couldnt. Hold^ them, to let the snake loose said why I said I havn't had any break- fast. He never did get the whiskey on that round. I knew a person who was all ways up to date. How? He never liked time. A man said Mo. is the greatest poultry state in the un- ion isn't it? Oh yes, I said but there are drawbacks in any state. He said where are there any drawbacks in Mo. poultry? I said we raise more roosters than hens, in Mo.^ than any other state. 24 THE BISKITS ARE GON E Feller said Iowa is the greatest hog state in the universe I says yes I guess so, but we raise more sow pigs in Mo-, than Iowa so its more profitable raising hogs in Mo. than Iowa he admitted, that's right he said. I said to a feller, sheep does well in my state. Yes he said, guess so, but wolves did better. I said why? He said they breed faster. I said no they don't breed any faster only harder to kill. I was showing a man from Iowa land and it wuz after a freeze. Driving along he said, that's quite a hole we went into. I says you mean the buggy wheel that went into that rut. He said yes. I said if you wuz from Vir- ginia I would then have said we wheeled into that rut, but he wuz not from wheeling Virginia. How old are you ? If in court you speak of the time you have lived, which is called age. If you would ask me how old I am I would tell you old enough to see the workings of the world, with their European airplanes and horse- less carriages. I stayed up to see Denver go to bed. I came in from the west and stayed up till 3 o'clooek in the a. m., still lots of people up on the streets. What's a ministerial? A law official. What's soil? Possessive elements of nature. What's a monitor ? Its not a merimac. What is binding twine ? Rope. What is a administra- tor? He causes the seal put to documents. Say what is a probate judge? A person to settle es- tates, landed and otherwise. I wuz asked why I didn't wear light shirts? They are connected with sun rays, and hurt my eyes. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 25 What is a butler? Owing to the nationality. Some people will tell you if hotel register is closed, is bad luck, only tells if any bizness or not in hotel. A feller said to me he carried a team 100 miles. I said where have you bin all this time ? He said in Texas. A feller asked me where cotton kings lived? I said I guess you wouldn't expect them to live up north would you. Why is feathers high ? Because poultry is in demand. Some one said all he wanted was money. I says, give me sense first, and if enough of it I will acquire the mon- ey, with that provision only. I met a hero once. What as to ? His ideas. I have often spoke of being a hero of foolishness. What are shows good for ? Owing to the kind. What region does meat effect the organs? ^hat is it called? Disease. What kind? Rheumatism or rheumat- ic pains. How does quinine act? On the liver. How does pills act? Owing to the name. I knew a man buy a corn planter in the dead of winter. Why? To get low prices. I bought an overcoat in hot weather. What for? To save money. li had a Doctor admit I would have better health, if I would wear heavy pants in hot weather. I had a mackintosh when young, what do you wear now in lieu thereof? A rain coat. What for? To show. Why does pumpkins get ripe in the fall? Why does watermelons get ripe in summer? Why does poland china hogs develop quicker than berkshire? Because are shorter don't take so much to eat. 26 THE BISKITS ARE GONE Why wouldnt wolves pay to raise them if they was worth $10.00 a head? No? why? Because figures wont bear you out when what you feed them is collected. What does a harvest hand require? A strong back, makes no difference about his mind Where are there vineyards? Where there are vines. What does prunes remind you of? Washington. Do you know what rough domestic is? Linen. Grape nuts are inviting at what point? After they are soaked in sugar and cream. What is the most picturesque thing in Arkansas? The boston mountains. What is beautiful in California? Scenery. What is sand? Light essence of soil. Salt? Is sub- stance in ground that won 't grow vegetation of any sort. I had a strong argument with a able lawyer. You know what that means. He argued that flies was no bigger in the west than in Mo. I took the position they wuz and he wanted to know why I thought so? And I said because they hit the flint in Mo. and nock off there wings, cripple the young ones so they can't grow as much. Fish grows bigger in Mo. than any other streams? Because, substance from geological formation is stronger, with various elements. What is difference between a corn crop in Mo. and a miracle? The miracle is formed before the corn crop is made. Sometimes. What constitutes a big man? Avordupois strength. What is a giraffe the son said daddy ? Daddy said son- ny it is a double standard horse. What is a monkey with? With witty duration. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 27 A fellow said mosquitoes resembled a wasp. I says fel- ler what are you talkin about? They dont resemble a wasp. He kept sayin they did and so I wanted to know if I could learn anything. Here 's what he said, they sting alike. "Why is a young deer called a fawn? Because they look fine on lawn. What is a opera ? It is where getherins are held in op- era house. Operate, where shows are held. What do you think of hot weather? 3 months. Did you ever see a bridge turn ? Yes, how ? By electric power, furnished by gas? No. What? Water. I asked a man what a chicken belt wuz? He said what are you talking about? A chicken belt. I don't know what you mean. I says a chicken belt. He said I don't understand you. I says well there is a corn belt in Illinois, a hog belt in Iowa, a wheat belt in Kansas, mule belt in Mo., cotton belt in Georgia, now, the chicken belt is in South Mo. What do you think men's shoes remind me of? Owing to size. What is a real estate agent good forf To establish valuation of real estate. What bizness is mistreated, construed land bizness ? Be- cause a land agent makes you rich, he receiving a paltry sum as a commission for hus entire blowing and boosting your country, and property, he is on the same line of de- velopment as the R. R.s. Say do you have any idea the difference between a real estate agent and a R. R. man? Here's the difference. Railroad man gets name of a promoter and the real estate agent name of a rascal. 28 THE BISKITS ARE GONE What is difference beween coal and wood? Depends on variety as to being hard. What is your land worth ? Owing to who is asking the question. Wouldn't you like to see Mr. Smith have a land buyer and assessor at the same time for dinner? You would think it would take a real estate agent on the side at that periodical time to derive justice for owner of the farm. What should a judge be ? A man that understands the combination of law and common sense in order to deal conscientiously and just, but what is a judge? I say a man that knows human nature, looks at you straight and say here is my decision. What is an excuse ? Delay. What is eating good for? To sustain life. I eat with a knife and fork and only when we have company, then I eat with fork got to sticking my mouth so I throwed up hilarity and now eat the old fashioned with fork in right hand. You ought to see me eat. I was asked time and again what I thought o:^ girls if I liked them? I would always say of course I like them, like to see them just like fat cattle on the bridge, and es- pecially red. I lost my mind in Nevada, regained it in Arkansas, come back to Mo. to retain it. I went into a store in the west one time. Lady clerk with that habitual question said, something? I said yes mam. I stood there she acted wise, purty soon said, some- thing, I said yesmam. I said why don't you ask me what it is? Finally she said it. I says I want to see the prop, are you the proprietor? She said no. He is back there THE BISKITS ARE GONE 29 at the desk. I says can I go back? She said certainly^ not. I thot she said certainly turned around 3 or 4 times and said I am hard of hearing? what did you say, certainly? not, alright? I walked back says are you the manager? Said he wuz. Will you trade this stock for land ? He wuz too smart for me and said if he could get one hundred cents on the dollar he would, cash out of the farm, be- fore he let go of goods. You have $28,500 in here haven't you 1 He said as near as I can tell. , He wuz anxipus to know who I was then said where are you from? I said you, he said where are you from ? He insisted on me say- ing he hadent exposed his ignorance yet he asked agin I says Mo. I says yu are not surprised are you? Thought he said no, that is what I thot I says> What is a gambler? A chance taker. What is a card game? Society game called pitch. Do you know what a stand is? No, can you tell me? Yes. Lets have it. Owing to position it takes. Can you run out this answer? I dont know. What is bounty ? Refunding of money. What is a factory? Factor in many factors in great en- terprises. What is national reputation? Where a man dictates to the nation. What is a state reputation? Where a person is recog- nized as a politician. What is a politician? It is owing to the stage of time. What is a plant? Is it something sowed? Yes> two kinds, one is sowed, the other is put. What's reason or the difference between a cambel and lumbago? One is the disease the other the animal. 30 THE BISKITS ARE GON E Difference between a physician and doctor? It is a doctor except when you have company, then its a physi- cian. Where I am at hotel we call them potatoes, when we have no one but usual boarders, when drummers come call them pertaters. When do I call tomatoes termaters? When the com- pany arrive. What is the difference between Arizona and New York? Heat and cold. What was Alaska purchased for? Money, What was unearthed? Gold. What was expected? Salmons. An employe calls a manipulator a boss. Do yoou know why a keg is not a barrel? No. Applys same as a pig, not a big hog. Do you know why a person goes crazy? No. Because having no sense. No, that is not it. What then? Have too much sense for the exercising of the cells, so the faculty is sold out inferially to inferior region. Do you know why dried apples are light ? Because sub- stance is evaporated. Do you know what sugar and water will do ? Revive dried apples. Can you tell a pianer tuner? Look for soft sole shoes. What is a double not sliuffle but a double shovel to a cultivator? Difference is the reach. What's a corn planter? It is a shot gun in the suth- ern mountains, a sharp cutter that penetrates the ground in the northern country. Is a book informational ? Its owing to the kind. Which is the best trees to grow ? Its the ones that you plant. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 31 What is law? Its owing to whom interprets it. Who is an attorney? It is in a child's estimation, a prosecutor, and adult's opinion a arbitrator, in my opin- ion its a lawyer. What is a park? If it's a city park it's a spoon holder. What 's difference between bulls eye and a bull tongue ? One sees, and the other roots the corn. Difference between a steam boat and an alligator? Ow- ing to what century of time. Want to know the difference of a thrashing engine whistle and on R. R. engine? Difference is governed by law, law demands whistle on R. R's. In court you are asked by attorney your age and if you don't want to tell how can you evade it and same time answer him? By stating you are 21 years past. Whats difference between rattlesnake and a cat! Cat scratches, and the snake rattles. Do you know what a cat is for ? No. What ? I guess to ketch rats, no, what for then? To be in your feet way every time you move Say a man said to me one time, 1^ want to know why there are so many dogs? He wanted to know if I could tell him;. I says of course. Well, he said, what is it? I responsed this way, to keep supplied with luxuries. Do you know why culprits and bridges are built over 20 feet in width? No. To keep one automobile from running into other, no, what is it then? To comply with the law. Supposing it wuz made shorter in length ??? you mean width, you wouldn't get your state to aid you. Why? because high authorities wouldnt recognize your bridge. Why? Because you didnt recognize their plans and specifications. 32 THE BISKITS ARE GONE Can you tell me what will mix quick? The thermome- ter dropping 60 degrees in half an hour. What does that feel like ? Air off the glaciers . Now dont you think hot and cold air will mix quick ? What is a postal card ? It depends whether of today or 10 years ago. If ten years back it wuz for transfering what you call communications same as a public letter, to- day its transmission of love, demonstrated in picturesque form. Saves writing, pleasing to the mind not bizness. Why? because bizness is not all ways pleasing. Post- cards are hardly ever sent now days without pleasing, where no writing is attached. A feller wanted to know what one fourth down wuz? I says it is. What do you mean, he said? One fourth down, owing to whether you are up a precipice and in- clined three fourths up, if so you declined 25 per cent down or one fourth down on $10,000 farm would mean $2,500, or twenty-five per cent of 100 for the basis. That 's what my explanation to one fourth down is. Wuz asked the other day what a royal wuz ? I sai(J there is two, one is the royal court of justice, the other where is it ? In London. Which is in London? Royal court of justice, other is cattle royal in Kansas City, and other large cities. Why does so many people look up to the governor? Be- cause of superiority. Why does so many attorney generals become gover- nors? Because they understand the governing powers. Why do we have a auditor? To compile records. What is reason a feller wanted to know why we have penitentiaries? To keep people from teaching others bad THE BISKIT S ARE GONE 33 things. If all in there would be no teachers then. What is object of lumber yards? To develop the coun- try. Do you know why Mo. leads on mules? Because we raise the mammoth kind. I wuz asked one time if I could tell him why corn got yeller in the spring of the year? Owing to the low at- mosphere, not altitude. A feller wanted to know why flour don't drop when wheat does? Here is the reason, because it's all ready went through the elevator. Who is an orator? Anyone that has a clear voice and can deliver words in an eloquent manner. What makes a man great? It is his commanding ap- pearance. Why are potatoes called peach blows? Because planted after peaches mature. Why do we ship cattle from ports? In order to supply Europe with same. Why is Missouri such a good state? You may ask me same question of Kansas? Yes I do. Because cen- trally located. What is nutriment Its strength. What is the difference in the south between hostility and a hostler? Its the nigger. Wuz trying to sell land in the south once and seen three men coming down the hill and- over the hill all bloomed out on Saturday afternoon? called evening in the south. I waited till they come up thinking they wuz land buyers, and they wuz negroes. I bounced them anyway to sell them land, they felt good. 34 THE BISKITS ARE GONE Do you know the difference between an Indian and negro? Difference is as to legality of its ancestral na- tivity. Give me the difference between a colored man and an Indian holding office? Its the right legally. Whats a session acts ? Its an attachment to the stat- utory law. Did I ever move wells? No but I have heard they move wells.. I seen one that wuz moved. Whats a gold mine ? Its a standard bearer. Whats a silver mine? Its bullion. Why is there a few bungalows in Missouri ? Because some few people has been into California. Once in a while you will see a hip roofed house in Mis- souri. I asked why ? What do you think the answer wuz — someone has seen them in Kansas. Why do people wear durbies? To look stiff. Why do a great many men wear starched shirts ? So can make insufficient form have some body. What is a Missourian? A person. What is a foreigner ? If he lives here he is a alien. Do you know what the white way is? Its not the dark way, right way. One time another feller and I wuz kuming off of the train. We had bin away on several mile j ant, I wuz tired so wuz he. I had the headache I guess and all at once I missed my nickle handkerchief and I wanted to telegraf for it and started back to depot quarter of a mile and he said it will cost you 25 cents and it is only a nickel hand- kerchief. I started to cross the Delaware. Why didn' you cross it ? I woke up. THE B ISKITS AEE GONE 35 I dreamed of goin to London. Just before arriving at Queenstown I found a large farm or plantation right out on the ocean. Now do you believe in dreams ? One time in a certain town on my outing I seen a man and woman? walked up to them said are you acquainted with a man thats up at the next town building a skule house ? He said he didn 't know who is he ? I said I don 't know, that 's what I vs^ant to know. I thought maybe you was his brother. I don 't know him but had a curiosity to know who these people was. I have been took for a detective, I believe they call them. You wouldn 't think it would you ? How do you say knowledge is formed? From good sound opinions. What does poor opinions amount to? A wind jammer. What is a hym? A sheet of music. What is a tenor? A keyed up singer. Alto? A melodious tone Soprano? Universal tone in singing. Strong expression of the voice in music is base. Choir ? Is an assemblage of singers. I wuz out with a land man drivin along the road. After lookin at three or four farms, it wuz a muddy time, I drove right into a rut with the buggy wheel. He) said whats the matter with you? I said I didn't see that rut. He said that is not what I mean, I want to know if you know anything at all? I said no. One time he found a land agent didn't know anything. Do you know how to distinguish colors in the dark? No, how? Light a lamp How to tell corn meal from oat meal ? Owing to what state. 36 THE BISKITS ARE GONE How does a person chill? Shake What would you do if you was called judge? Look wise. What if called professor? Tip the hat to the ladies What is an envelope ? If you possess dignifying qual- ities its an onvelope I stopped off on a trip coming east on the Burlington and bot sum pie. When I paid for same I thanked the gurl. She looked as tho she didn't understand my custom. I said to a man from Missouri that bot sum too, She don't know my custom ? He said I wuz right. Do you know how to spark? I wuz on the train; there wuz a purty gurl got on at the depot and there wuz several seats vacant. Seemed as tho she spied a young feller on north side with a coat hanging on the wall and sleeves folded up and pants turned up at bottom to the nees so he could show his purty shiny socks? so she could see them or any other sport. I would like to have bin her mother. I wuz working at a place one time and the boys and I wuz all the time talking history, and one of the boys got the tape line one day and started towarge me and I asked him what he wuz going to do with that there tape line ? And he said measure my brains. Was working for a young feller at a farm in the south and he all at once told me to go into the cellar and his wife would tell me what to do. I did, I went up, went in the cellar, and say^ Tom told me to kum up, you would tell me what to do. She said take a hold of that churn, I said say what churn? I says what do you call that there thing? I pointed to it, said that. What, that tray? She THE BISKITS ARE aONE 37 said. I says tray, I don 't know. She said that is a butter tray. I says I never seen anything like it in Missouri. I took a hold and turned what she called a churn, that is half round, looked like a half barrel. I never seen a bar- rel called a churn in Missouri. She thought after I turn- ed and talked awhile that she would look into the barrel and she pulled the stopper and throwed butter milk all over me. She took on over me and thot it had ruined my coat. I said no mom. I had no necktie on, it wont hurt my clothes. I am only a hired hand. I spied sum apples and set down and went to oatin apples after frost and they tasted offel good. This is what I call churn shootin me in the south. Reason Tom trusted me with his young wife wuz because I looked innocent. I had my first auction sale a few years since. It wuz goods out of a store and a south Missouri town. The pro- prietor brot out the goods in front of the store on to a nar- row goods box. I mounted the box with six weeks of snow, had on a big southern hat, wide brim, cotton flannel gloves and a big heavy over coat with high collar turned up. Now I said boys, I am in the habit of gabbing now I want to get into the habit of selling. I said ladies and gentlemen and feller citizens, I offer you goods at sale for highest money and you ought to seen them women and men and children gazeing at the auctioneer. I says are you all done ? 3 times at a whirl loud as I could; say it, and in corse of a year I drove in at a mans house with sum land buyers. Just/ as we drove thru the gate the owner of farm and boy too, said do you know that hat Sammy has on there? I don't think I do. Don't you remember selling it to Sammy for twenty-five cents? I said no at 38 ■ THE BISKITS AR E GONE first. I said to the land men, he is right. You see I am not a salesman, don't you? And they looked funny. I ordered, did you know what it wuz? No, what wuz it ? 3 gallons of sour milk a day for my health. No I didn't. What then? It wuz buttermilk. Was comin through on a train at a specific time and walked up from depot at a junction town that is where R. Rs. run here and there, across each other critical to be there. Went to the hotel and man come to the door and said what is it? I said a bed of corse. What else do you think at this time of the night, 2 o 'clock in the a. m. He said as soon as a man gets up, up sttairs. I says let him stay up there I didn't want any bed, would you? I went to the depot and stayed up all night thinking it waa the only hotel in town of twenty thousand people. Wuzn't I smart? I wuz on my way thru a gas and oil town once and waitin for the train, I wuz santerin around and noticed sum brick in the stove in the depot. I said whats them there brick in that there stovefur? I wuz informed they wuz there for the purpose of seperatin the gas from the fire. Thats where they burn gas you know. . I will tell you what the parrot told me once. I says Polly, I am a fool. What did Polly say? She said well. Who takes care of the counties bizness? The court. What is the reason of appendix ? It is the separation of stomach and the lower stomack. What is the consequence of a mistaken name of ap- pendix ? In certain states its violation of the law. Why does a German make more money than an American ? Its because he does not desire site, seeing of the world. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 39 People are getting so smart, a fellow said to me. I said how is that? He spoke of inventions, and high edu- cation, colleges etc. I says you are right but you didn't mention qualification or knowledge, I says. I took issue with him. I says while I admit all, of this stuff I notice when it gets right wet and muddy that the cradle is used yet. What is a planter? Two, one is agriculture machine the other a southern planter. I was asked what a refinery wuz ? Well, I says, it is not a finery. Say, can you tell me mister, what a lightning bug is ? No, can you ? Yes. What ? Not a gold bug. Whats silk? Not wool. Cotton? Not feathers. Tell me the difference between a breech loading gun and a muzzle loader? One you mold and the other you put. Tell me the difference in heavy weight, and light weight and champion weight? All difference in weight. What is a mule? Standard bearer. Why? Because of the high value based upon demand. What is a atmospherical mule? He is a mule that stands the climate well. What is the difference in continuance of using whis- key and milk? One soothes and the other burns. Give me your reason for difference in cider and vin- egar? Owing to stage of time, I went into a large wholesale house in one of the western cities and a big concern, myi what a big institu- tion it wuz. I wuz up thru all of the rooms lookin for a cuzin of mine that had bin workin there and when leavin 40 THE BISKITS AR E GONE I went too low down, arrived in the basement, they says, it wuz, I guess it wuz, had to g6 up in order ^io get out. Clerk stepped up to me and said something I says, I says, yes. What is it ? I says T want to get out of here. A feller wanted to know why we have fact ories ? Do you have an idea why ? ' To supply the demau d. Someone asked me why a nigger may be ignorant? I can tell you Alright, lets have it. Lots •)f times is because of the deficiency of mentality. No. What then ? Lack of reading and being trained. I was asked what I thought of education 1 I think it is the grandest thing on earth, as an artificial develop- ment. There is only one thing wrong with education, you think you have it when you haven't WJiat is the trouble in getting in? Love is practiced too much. What is love? Have not found a definitiDn for it yet. I wuz accused one time of being a humorist. My response was I have heard of Bill Nye. Do you know why a vegetarian rejects mi^ce pie? No Because its meat. Why do some people mistake lemon for custard pie? Because of the color. Why is custard superior to all other piesi Because of eggs and cream being in, which makes rich flavoring of any pie. Why are awnings on houses? In order to Ifeep the sun from penetrating the paint. If the mother wuz as perticuler with there daughters as to whom they should not marry as they are the ones they do marry, and would teach them to study human na- THE BISKITS ARE GONE 41 ture, this would be a different country in another decade. One time on the main line thru the west? I had never bin on train much up to this time, and I noticed a purty gurl come in the coach where I wuz. Don't need to des- ignate the coach between white and black as I was not in the southern states. She took all the peoples eyes, awful near getting both of mine. A man in a northern state told me his practice amouiited to $5,000 annually and he would not go to the south. He said he could not afford to as his practice was $5,000. I said doctor, please give me your expense for one year. He thought I meant figures, which was $4,378. I would like to have his expense for one year, wouldn't you? You see how the world wags. Lot of people blow about what they are doing, and do not admit what they save. When drinking cups first became fashionable a man come into the train and said he wanted a cup. Conductor said you are in Kansas — that wide rimed hat He looked funny. He kept saying I know I am in Kansas. I would say to him, you are in Kansas sir. I would say to him. Was accused by my teacher in skule of being the old- est or having the oldest head of anyone in skule he ever seen, because I wuz so old looking. Never sparked in skule. Why? Becailse the gurls did know beauty when they seen it. Girls never did give me the mitten. Do you know why? No, why? Because did not ask for it. Do you know what rain reminds me of? No. Owing to what state its in. Supposing in western country it would be moisture, in Missouri would be water. 42 THE BISKITS ABE aON E What are everything? What in the world do you mean? That's it. Whatl word, you said everything. Yes. Why names? Why? Names are originally a thing. You never seen a thing named when first hatched. I wuz on my road goin south in the west. I started to walk from one R. R. to the other. I got pretty well along on my trip, I run onto a young feller in the road, that is what they call it in that pioneer country, across the plains or a trail we would call it in Missouri. This man wuz driving behind a fine bay team of roadsters not a automobile but horses real horses, fine trotters, he said where are you going,' young man? I says I don'tj know. They wuz fine steppers. He said where are you from ? I said from Missouri. He thot he had a bonanza then. I says did you ever hear of it? Yes, he said. Down there where they raise big mules? I said of corse. He wuz anxious to inform me as to his official capacity. He said he was the sheriff of that Co. I said you don't look it, mister. I am he said. I don't dispute it, mister, but you don't look it sir. He said he was. I said are you certain of it? I said you don't look it. He said he was. I fi- nally got him to admit he was the deputy sheriff of that Co. Well I said that will do but I knowd you wuz not the sheriff of this Co. He asked me to go with him and I said have you papers for me? And he said no. And I said I am not goin then. Well sir, I wuz glad he didn't have. You ought to have seen how he looked. I went on south, on, and om and on, went thru a fence, wire gate rather, guess it is called, about one half quarter of a mile I seen looked like 500 head of cattle coming full tilt right out of the valley towarge me, I THE BISKITS ARE GONE 43 wuz right close to a litle mound to the right of me that is west and my face to the south, my back to the north. Oh my how them there cattle did come. First thing popped into my mind wuz, did they have horns? Next my re- membrance of Patrick Henrys speech in his continental congress speech, when he said give me liberty or give me death. Next thing wuz. General Lawton when in battle in the south war. He said I will be brave. He was too. I says to my selfe, I will have to in order to save my life. Next thing was to remember my experience on hog ranch where I used to handle hogs, because of being an expert at it is vv^here I lay a great deal of my outcome to this suc- cess or in this fracas. Think of it, the cattle still coming I got down on my knees got the valise in my right hand and goin after it like I used to on hog ranch driving hogs there, get a stick, run forward and then back and forward agin. I throwed overcoat over my head, just so I could see out of right corner of my right eye, cattle coming at full tilt. And pretty soon they broke the other way. I felt good, felt at liberty. Then I attributed my thoughts and escape and good success on all points at once. Pays to read history, don't it? I went further on down the valley. I went up or met up with one of them awful terrible blizzards. Thats what they call them in Nebraska. When it went thru me I wuz then overtook with a worse thing than all. Its a covered wagon, 2-3-4 or 5 men in it. I wuz scared; they asked me to ride, I said ever so much obliged. I wuz not on to western fashion. Had several horses behind and on the side of the wagon, I thot they had stolen them was afraid of complication if I rode. They, I found after- 44 THE BISKITS ARE GONE ward they wuz cowboys, merely cowboys. That wuz there custom in that country. I wished then I had went with the sheriff for safe keeping. I went on and first thing was my destination in a few hours, I walked right into town, up to the big depot, said mister depot man am I at the right winder? He laughed and said it will do. He said what will you have ? I said everything I can get. Is there any chance getting the R. R. I want to get a ticket I says. He says I don't know. Which way do you want to go? I said I don't know. He said we have a train going west and one going east. I said do you own this train ? He said no. Which way do you want to go? I saidi I don't know. I asked him which train went first. He said tomorrow at ten o'clock. Well thats the one I want to go on then. He said thats the best I can do. I said I am not surprised. I said give me a ticket. He said it wouldnt be good to- morrow. I said why? He said stamped for one day. I said the court dont talk that way. After we argued the law in all of its fazes on this subject finally he asked me why I .was so anxious to get a ticket today. I said to him I wuz afraid to stay all night with the money. He said why? Because I am a stranger. He said where are you from? I said none of your bizness but being this is a bizness proposition I had better tell you so I said Mo. He said we have no niggers out here. No I says, but you have Mexicans. I read one time of hemispheres. Where? In the geography. I was asked what zone was ? I said it depends upon whether it is sleat or the weather or the ocean zone. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 45 I was asked by a foreigner in a foreign land if I could tell what Mo. wuz worth. I told him, you couldn't guess what I told him ? No. Guess would depend upon wheth- er politics whether worth noticing. Where does jewelry derive its name? Prom jewels. What are they? Not corner stores. Whats a blackboard made for? For skule children not tq spell on. I wuz asked what I went to skule for ? I said to fish. Fish for what? I said knowledge. What is nonsense? Expression of feeling. If you are not in the right mood you want to talk nonsense. Tell me what a put on sale is. It is supposed to- be a cut in prices. What are oats? Tame or wild? Tame is variety of grain kernel in soft shell. What are wild oats? For wild geese to eat. Give difference in instruments. One is music, other is reduced to writing, then called deed or valuable doc- ument. Whats a contract for? To support lawyers. Tell me what a deed is? A written contract trans- fering real estate. Whats real estate? A vendors lien. Whats chattels? Acknowledgement of promise. Does it have to be recorded ? According to what statute or state. I fell off of a chair reading ten o'clock at night, hurt my lip on a spittoon. What kind of law? Law of na- ture, I guess. No, law governing the universe. Do you have any idea why fish, according to law. 46 THE BISKITS ARE GONE minners and small fisli) you are not allowed to catch them? So they will get big. I asked a preacher and real estate agent combined whether any harm to write bizness letters on Sunday? He said owing to whether typewritten or not, or with pen. Some logic to that. I said to a gurl, how are you feeling today? She said why? Because the girls ask me that question so much I wanted to see how it would sound for me to ask and get in the fashion. I rode on a merry goround, fell in and got sick, fell in skule mams laps in lovers tub, you ought to seen them scatter. Proprietor asked me if wanted to stop the swing I looked up in his face and said let her go. If in the' habit of saying let her go bill would have said let her go bill. School mams didn't ask me to ride with them any more. Do you know why I was desirous of a town educa- tion? So I would know something. Do you know what a vest is ? It is the same as a corset is to a woman. What is marriage? It is inscription of life. Whats a rule. Its length of capacity. One time I bought a watch. What about it? I paid fifty cents for it. What else ? Itl wouldn 't run right, it would vary 2 or 3 hours . If anyone asked me time of day I would not let them see the time and 1 could guess at time. I lived in country before telephones. Could guess close enough if it should be off 2 or 3 hours. How does land sell? By conveyance. What is superior in color? Blue. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 47 "Why do you read? In order to acquire knowledge. Whats construction? Its building. Instruction? Applying. I didn't know tilll the other day what a jitney was, and a girl that I seen on train from city was talking about how dangerous they wuz. I says tell me what they are? She said an automobile. Do you know what German millet is ? It is not ally. Will you tell me what board of agriculture is? Its supervision of farming. Horticulture? Its fruit raising. Whats difference between long ton and short one? 200 pounds. Was in one of the northern states and the hotel man had a kind of confectionery in the front part. I went in and proprietor seen I registered from Missouri and ask- ed me a few questions. Pretty soon I heard him say in low tone of voice, mamma, mamma here is a typical Mis- sourian, and he come around and talked to me. Of course I used some very brogism words, right smart, a good deal a whole lot and a heap, and some one would come in after candy and light bread, or something of that sort, and he would keep on talking to me. I wuz sure a typical Mis- sourian. I was coming down from the north and we got to a town, I leaned over and said what did the brakeman call this place? 1 elevated my voice agin and said what did the brakeman call this place? Everyone was afraid of exposing their intelligence, no they wasn't, I mean ignor- ance. I thought he called it Ague, I thought it was in Mo. 48 THE BISKITS ARE GONE Was desirous of a education and went to a town to go to an academy, found the principal with tanned shoes on. That fixed it. I knew a feller that was a big guesser on election con- tests and guessing of bales of cotton received at ports. He quit. Why? Because postmaster general said to, wouldn't you? I am afraid of snakes. Why? Because they bite. Why did some crongressmen vote for 20 to one? Because they didn't want dollars big as wagon wheels. Why is Alaska wealthy? Because of the output of gold. How old should you be to vote? Old enough to know how dad voted. I was asked how much is wool worth? Owing to what party is in power. What does sugar bring? Under administration means an argument. Why are hats called panamas? Because of name of country. Its becau'se want something big. Do you know what the heaviest thing in the world is? No. It is weight. Do you know what wait means? Losing of oppor- tunity. Say, a feller said what is metropolis? Its something superior. What is a specie of watermelon? A citron. Citrus? Is a specie of orange. I learned this from farming and orange from listening to land agents talking gulf coast country. What is a catchy add? Attractive. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 49 What do you think of this add, as follows : Schemer bill found where? In southwest Mo. of course, on south- ern slope of Flannagans hill beat Schemer bill to the fine farms directly north of the hill that Louis Browning of Lowry City, Mo. has for sale so cheap. Send for descrip- tive list. California oranges wont compare with the magnifi- cent west Mo. farms. What is water worth ? In dry times pleasure. What is lagoon? Flat land, artificial soil contained by lagoon. What is land worth? What the buyer will give for it. Why are blue eyes pretty? Because of the scarcity. Why do you patronize a fotografer? Because you desire beauty. Did you know there wuz money stall feedin cattle? No, I never knowed a man to- make money feedin cattle. He says, what are you talking about? I says feedin cattle. He said I have known lots of men get rich feedin cattle. I never did. He was anxious to have my reason. I says he makes it off of the hogs. What is children's children's children? Relatives. What is equator? Dividing line. Will you tell me why automobiles are called cars? Because people want to imagine they are R. R. owners, and individually inclined to be somethin big. Why are there so many automobiles? In order to keep up with the new departures. What is a departure? Used to be a cultivator, now from the old way to the new way. Why do you not see chain harness any more ? Because automobiles come down. 50 THE BISKITS ARE GONE I found a gnrl one time in the north. She said she had broken 5 engagements in her life. I said what do you call that? She said she wuz to be married. I says wuz you? She said no, thats what I am telling you, I got out. I was ridin along in a city on one of them there street cars and over seen a woman say to a man she knowed but hadn 't seen him till this mornin for so many years. He asked her what kind of time she had put thru? And she said the only pleasure she had had for 26 years wuz raisin 6 children. A old woman wuz tellin she had wun a premium for her grandchildren one time. I says thats nothin. I have a baby brother that wun a premium at a colt show when he wuz a baby. A person told me trains wuz dangerous years ago. I said aint horses? Other day somebody said trains were dangerous. I said aint automobiles? I don't wear neckties because am afraid of striped necktie Would imagine there is a snake at my throat. A feller told me he had hauled as high as 6 calves in a wagon. I said how? He said stood them up inside the wagon on the inside of the side bords and tied there tails together, fell out and run. How did he get them tails loose ? Shot them loose with a shot gun. You ought to seen him shootin them there calves tails loose. I wuz stayin in a hotel. One mornin I asked back in the kitchen to the girls, I want some live water, I have bin drinkin that dead water long enough in that there tank in dinin room. T HE BISKITS ARE GONE 51 Tell me why children likes sweet things? Because candy needs its place. What is appearance? Well met. What of slender person? If fleshy an appearance. What did barb wire do for your country? I cant tell you I cant guess. Raise the price of prairie land. Where? Where your forefathers bought it at $1.25 an acre. ^ _ I knowed a gurl I used to think of capturing. Her name wuz Cranky. She got married. In one perticular I didn't get Cranky, in the other I did get cranky. What is romance ? One that falls in love with what ? What I call natural scenery. Who understands reminescence ? One that* remem- bers ancient trails and not the pines, but makes the pio- neer lonesome for pleasures sake used to be desire of some people to go to Europe, now most of peoples desire for pleasure is to go automobiling. Guess I am queer because I want to know who the engineer is before I step into a car. You have heard all kinds of stories about automobiles Why? Because they are on the peoples minds. What do you hear when you see drummers together as a rule? Talkin about hotels and R. Rs. connections. Only election years when they are informational bureau. What is strife? Common laborers in contact with each other. The President at the helm Difference between steam engine and gasoline ? One is natural, the other condensed. I come up from the south and into Arkansas and found a town where I stopped at. And first thing tio- 52 THE BISKITS ARE GONE ticed wuz 2 purty gurls. I felt alright then and wuzn't homesick at all after that while in Arkansas. At edges of the platform a man said will you go to a dollar day house ? I says I just got off of that train there. He said he knew it. Yes I says I did. He kept answering me. I says I am asleep yet. Well I am awake now mister. I says please step into the light here so I can see if yo/u are a nigger or not. I says yes I will go with you. He said for me to give him my grip and I said which) one? He said your satchel. He took me, he introduced me to all of them in there to the; baby, there wuz land buyers there frum Rode Hand to Delaware. I felt at home, they insisted me on a game of pitch. I said I don't know- how to play pitch, mister, before I eat anything, I don't know how to play pitch, mister, but know what a game of chance is mister. He said that is what this is. I said I thought I played it when I got off. I wuz up to a skule town in June, last days of Jline when students wuz goin home, and on Sunday sun shiny morning the larks and birds and all kinds of insects wuz singin so sweet in the mountains thrillin voices of all kinds of things penetrating thru the ears. I heard a purty Arkansas gurl say as you ever seen, say to a man friend, of course they all have in skule, and a lady friend of hers too, said I wont be as pretty as I am now when,^ I get home cuttin sprouts. I said to myselfe, gurl what do you mean, do you cut sprouts? Shore enough when the train went south she went on it. I give it up, guess she wuz right. I heard of a street fair out west, they call them car- nivals out there. Wuz automobile premiums and no THE BISKITS ARE GONE 53 horse premiums. Now you see why your pastures are not in demand. Now tell me horses wont stay up. Where? On the turf. Its queer a horse and mule is so different, queer you and me are different, but we are. Whats reason people go crazy over baseball? For the reason of science. Then tell me if the same does not apply to auto craze. Why does some people like melodious music and others prize fighting? Difference is between rough and smooth. The first thing a girl learns now a days is to say cer- tainly, next thing, who is that fellow across the st., next what is the name of that car? Dont care anything about the name of Burbank or Ohio potatoes, whether Burbanks or Ohio or Peach Blows, or whether the chickens are dom- inacks or Buff Coachen, that don't enter their minds as a rule wdth some gurls. That which is developing to the industrial mind is discarded. Whats Oak? Its not pine. Wonder what hard finish is? Its not soft. Whats a carpenter? He's a carver, he cuts and tries. Whats destruction? Everlasting. What does a deaf and dum person do when you ques- tion them when he is begging? Get mad. I think I knowed a gurl that wanted to go up in the air? Because I heard her say she wished she was a bird. Do you know why I had ratheir have a gurl in Ark- ansas than Iowa ? No, why ? I could get to her quicker, why run down over the Iron Mountain. What is war? Where a band of fellers is fighting. What is scrapping? Individually. 54 THE BISKITS ARE GONE Skirmishing? Where they are trying to get keyed up to fight. Had a chance to go with a show. What wuz you to do? Water the elephants, and zebras and giraffe if had time. A feller asked, said like this, how old is yourj state ? Since 1821. When out west wuz asked my nationality. I said natural bo'rnd Missourian. The only question that cut them off every time. A feller one time said to another, what tribe you be- long to? He said the anti-period race. Was surprised when down south, found a federal cemetry. I found no Indians much in Mo. a man said to me comin through. I said reason, no Indians settled there. Why is it dark one half of the time ? In order to rest. Whats function? Life. What do you call a story? Owing to how main it is. , What do mean by main Ow- ing to how near the channel of truth it is. If you wuz in a uptodate place and didn't know what cranberries was and wanted them how would you call for them? Pass the fruit. Whats the difference between a Kentucky horse and any other horse ? They are faster. May I ask this question?- Whats the difference between northern gurl and others ? the name. Why is Kentucky such a bluegrass state t Because of the leputation. I ha\e watched politicians corrie and go ever sincol was 10 years old. Do you know v/hat them there poli- THE BISKITS ABE GONE 55 ticians remind me of? A auctioneer, last so long, run there race in a very short time. What is education based upon? They will tell you grades. Knowledge based upon grades sometimes. What is answer goin to be? Chap, what books are you in at skule ? 9 out of ten will tell you what grade he is in. Do you know how to tell if a boy will amount to any- thing or not? If he has his pants cut straight off at the bottom and wears no standing collar he will mean some- thing, but if he has a band or something of the sort around his pants it is off. Give me the definition to this? All right. Differ- ence between exposition and expostf acto ? One is'a show the other is original law. I have heard all my life of hill billys in the south, So have I heard all my life of billy goats in the north. What is a statute? An inscription staturally erect- ed of a being. I -want to know what a statute is called? The law. What is ink? Fluid. What is a pencil? Lead. Whats a man? Walking creature. Whats a cre- ature? Humanity, all sex. What is heat? Atmosphere in warm condition. What is a cyclone? Compressed air. A hurrycane? Forerunner of a cyclone to warn people. What is compilation? Statistics. What is statistics? Data collected. What is old stamps? Not new ones. What are new stamps? An inch square. If you ask some people if they have a good title to 56 THE BISKITS ARE GONE ^ their land and they will invariably tell you they have be- cause they have an abstract. It merely tells whether good title or not. I asked a intelligent looking man how he would trade his farm for another I had for trade? He said I will trade mine clear and consume your clients mortgage. Wouldn't he bin a sight after eatin it up? What is a blowed up sucker? A man that consumes mortgages. Who is a practioneer? A boy asked. Here ans: One that practices on any subject. What is alfalfa? Growing vegetation. What is vegetation? Mixture of growth. Do you know why mohairi is so high in price ? Ow- ing to insufficient number of goats. Why is ginseng so high? Because only grows in the north. Another day or so ago wuz asked if we paid for the Philippines? I think so, wait I will write to find out, no use of that, will ask some skule boy. Do you know why a phamphlet isi called a circular? It circulates. What is magnetism? Condensed feeling. Do you know why there are premiums on old coins? Because are rare. Why are people wild over air ships? So can see sights below. What is amusement? Ask what fun is. What is universal? General. What is speaking ?Utterance. What is a cantaloupe ? Not a envelope. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 57 What is a gulf? Not land. What is land? One fourth, geographically speaking. A feller said he was a foreigner. I said hows that, aint you a Missourian bornd? He said yes, I will tell you. Tell it. I descended from a foreign country, he says. I said I see, you can do that. Whats a sowin machine? Not a cuttin machine. What is a pony? Stunted horse. One time one of them, there fellers that preach in meetins wuz at our house and staid all nite. The meetin feller that preaches to congregations wanted to shave. He says to Pa. I says shave who, the bruthern? Pa says shave his selfe. Say it wuz a site to see that meetin feller shave, I mean strap the mug, you ought to seen him strap that mug, and strap, and strap it, and strap it. Pa says it wouldnt lather. Pa had give him beeswax insted of soap. The preacher just kept on shaving his whis- kers. One Thanksgivin day I was ridin a stick horse and Pa and the folks wu^ gettin ready co go to Thanksgivin preachin, and I all at once says to Pa theres no use to go out there,. Pa says why? I says because the president has not give us good crops and I wouldnt go out there and thank him. He had issued some kind of doins called prockermashun. Pa says the President hasnt anything to do with the crops. I says why? Because he hasn't* I says haint you goii\ to thank him for the crops? Pa says no. And I still insisted that he should not go and thank the President for the crops. I wuz in the north one time and got into a argument with a Irishman, I am satisfied it wuz now a Irishman. 58 THE BISKITS ARE GONE He got to braggin on the Norwegians and I commenced runnin them down, and I called them down trodden race or set in order to see him faunch. He says the ones I know ^re not that kind. And I says well of corse I don't know much about them as I have lived in Mo. all my life and I says they are below the Missourians and you know wiiat that brought. He just kept sayin the ones he knew wuz not that kind. He got mad and talked awful hard to me and Said the ones I^know are not that kind. I fi- nally says where are the ones you knowed? He said in Wisconsin. I says where is that? And he did look fun- ny then, he*,didnt understand me. I says where in Wis- consin ? He named over the country where they are and says they are different to the kind I knowed. I says what are there names? And he said therci is several of them. One of them runs thrashers up in Minnesota. He never did tell me there given names, he wuz so mad. Finally I had fun enough. I says after questioning him so close to who they wuz. He said are you acquainted up there? I says no, I never wuz in Wisconsin. I says I will tell you how I know them there Norwegians, they are my rel- atives. He quit braggin on Norwegians. I was asked what a aircastle wuz? I says it is be- yond real castles. Whats a zenith in land, I wuz asked ? I says its be- yond temptation in prices. What is a removal sale, I was asked ? Here is my an- swer: Its where they want to move them. I used to fish when wuz goin to skule with a pin for hook. Why? Because didnt have a fish hook I used to like to see that there old speckled cow when young. Why? Because they wuz rare. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 59 Do you know what elections reminds me of? No, what is it? Difference in minds. What is ideas? If soft idea it is imbued; and if strong idea it is opinion. What is matchless? Divorce. No. What then? Not even two. What is flat? Circumstances, it points to the facts bluntly. Do you know what black oak reminds me of? No, what is it ? Its distinguishments of collors of oak. A person asked me what a picturesque is ? I says it is a picture in a pictorial scene. Was once asked what tax is? It is demand based up- on principle. I was asked what fiction is ? And here is my answer : Its halfway truth. What is receiving the mitten? Its whether from a gurl or a Christmas present. What is an up-to-date expression? Dignified. Wuz a feller wanted to know of me what a relin- quishment was out west? It is where they want to go back east to see there wifes folks a great many times. Do you know where I like to board the best? No, where? Where skule mams board. Why? Because more fruit to^ eat. A feller wantd to know the difference in east and west? What is it? Territory? No. What is it then? Votes. Do you know how to come off of a jury? No, you mean before you get on a jury? Yes. How? To state to the lawyers that you are one sided. 60 THE BISKITS ABE GONE One time I was boar din at a hotel in a north state and I wiiz lookin at a register and lookin for a mans name and couldnt find it and/ said in a mind of muddle that. I guess he wuz here last October or Nov. I didn't know but wuz before Christmas and a awful purty gurl wuz ieanin or ruther standin on the back of a chair in the par- lor, and said to me with a smile of purty complexion, Don't you know when Christmas comes, with the looks of her faca? and in 2 or three days after this I went into hotel where the fine staturally Blondie blue wuz, and she says, Say? I says mam. She said say, don't you know when Christmas comes, and I says no mam. She said I thought you wuz joking. She says if you dont know I will tell you, but she said now are you joking? I says you know that I know that I dont know when it comes She says if you dont know dont actually know then I will tell you. I says you know that I know that I dont know anything. She says I will. I says hold on. She says what is it? I says where are you from? She says Mo. I says I am not surprised. She says. I says hold on. She says what is it ? I says what is ,your name ? She says smarty. I says I thought so, I says what is your occupation ? She said her pa wuz a clergyman. I says I have heard of them there fellers, they operate on sick people. She says no they don't. I says why? She said I mean preachers. I says I thought clergyman wuz a doe- tor. She said say. Now I says what is it ? If ^you dont know when Christmas comes then I will tell you. I says I dont, you know that I know that I, dont know anything. She wuz f eelin sympathetic for me and said I will tell you then if you don't know. I says tell it then. It comes on THE BI SKITS ARE GONE 61 the 25th day of December. I says every per annum. She said she dont know what that is. I says yearly. She said yes. That, is my experience when Christmas comes. One harvest I went to the N. W. to harvest and I got up a trade with a man that owned a hardware store val- ued at $30,000 including the buildings. He was giving me $500.00 on that side for commission and I arranged the deal through a manipulation of letters between that man and the owner of a 600 acre farm in Mo. and when harvest wuz over I wuz to meet a friend of his at a certain town to come back with me to Mo. and look at the Mo. farm. I wuz to get off and see him at the bag- gage car while the train stopped for breakfast. I asked him if his name was Limson and he said it wuz and he turned out to be a Jand agent right that wuz a p'artner with the man that had him as his friend to meet me and come home with me to see the land. When we got in the R. R. car Mr. Limson introduced me to two other land agents that wuz out in Dakota from the east trying to buy a $^0,000 ranch from Mr. Limson. I f«^lt lllvt* a mosqui- to would by the side of a giraffe. They turned the seats over together and made what we call in Mo. a double seat so there could be 4 land agents together. They wuz dressed in morning suits and had on diamonds. I had on a shirt I think, no vest or* coat, ganted up, small for my size anyway, ganted to a loss of 19 pounds, making me look and feel about the same. Mr. Limson said to me has this man Jansen in Mo. ever seen the hardware and build- ing? I says nope. He said is he depending on you for the representation of it? I says yes, I guess so. He said I don't know whether' to go with you or not to Mo. I felt in a 62 THE BISKITS ARE GONE imbarrisin persition. I knowed what that meant. I just riz up out of my cushion seat and said Mr. Limson, he said what is it ? I says — he says what is it ? I wuz tryin to span, I mean expan my stomaek, and stuck out my stomaek as fur as I could possibly stick it, and rared back on my dignities and says, Mr. Limson, I want to tell you that you will find that farm in Mo. as described as its in Jansens letter. He said I will go with you thenu Now you see what appearance amounts to. Them there diamonds "hurt my eyes. I took the headache and would- n't talk to him while on the train. Thats my experience on a land deal. A boy told me he had the itch and sent off for a box of salve of some kind and when he got it he had directions telling him how to use it, and it said to wash off the pers- piration, and he washed off all of the salve that he put on the minute he applied it and thought the salve wuz the perspiration. One night I wuz in a hotel in my younger days and they put me in a bed big enough for 3 and there wuz a thing at the head looked like a cupboard but had no dishes. The bed shook and I was afraid it would come down on me and I changed ends so it would not ketch my head and next mornin I put the piller^ back at the head and the clerk asked me how I slept, and I says fine after I got fixed. If you want to answer people talk to strangers. If you want' to build castles go up in the air on top of a presipice. I knowed a feller, he was a southerner, that sold his real estate bizness for $1,000 and the southerner wanted THE BISKITS ARE GONE 63 to buy a file and did for 35 cents and the man said that bought the business he said that file cost me $999.65. The southerner said what are you talking about? The buyer said the file. The southerner said that file didnt cost you anything. He said how do you figure that out? The buyer had bought the business, by this time had been a year. The buyer said that file which is a list is all I got, and thirtyfive cents from $1,000 leaves nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars and sixty-five cents. The south- erner laughed the wiser. What is justice, a feller asked? An officer. What is pop, a boy asked ? And here is the farmers answer: My sonny, its a automobile puncture. The difference between mountain and mountains is single and continuance. In what respect, a feller says to me, is a school mam and a school teacher alike? I says instructiveness. I went down south and heard a feller say that clerks in one of them there dry goods stores down there say, he was waitin on a lady once and she was tryin id buy a skirt waist and he said the lady had looked at ev- erything about in that store and away up high on a shelf he says to her here is the last bolt. She had looked at all of them and she said she was jist lookin fer her sister, and the clerk said he didnt know but what her sister was behind that piece. A feller asked me what a bureau is? Well, I says, there is two, one is a place to put linen and the other is a place to file statistics. What is statistics? Two or three kinds, one is knowledge. 64 THE BISKITS ARE GONE I was asked what parasol wuz 1 My answer wuz : two souls paired off to get under whats called a parasol. Whats a parachute? A chute that gets on a par or certain level in hight. I was asked what rocky mountain tea is? Its name of tea that no doubt in my mind* derived the name from rocky mountains. I was asked why not is the ocean called o-she-an in- stead of oshan ? Because New Orleans is called New- Or-le-ans. Why was the two oceans called Atlantic and Pacific ? Other reasons, but one is alphabetically speaking. At- lantic comes first beings its the oldest and a comes before b. I asked what is service? That is where a person is served. Some people get wrong conception of service. Call it service if good. Now it is service if good or not good. Do you know the difference between a cider mill and a cigar factory? Its the odor. I knowed a feller to hire a hand from Mo. to work for him in Colorado and the wind wuz blowin a gale over the dale in the vale, and Mr. Flinn, owner of the farm, and horses too, went out to the field where the hired hand wuz plowin with one of them there up-to-date machines where there is several of them there cups for oil, and owner had intrusted the hand to oil them there cups every three or four rounds, and Mr. Plinn asked the Mo. boy how often he oiled the plow? and the hand says every two or three rounds. And Mr. Flinn said he didnt think he did, and the hand said well, I will tell you, Mr. THE BISKITS ARE GONE 65 Flinn, the Mr. Flinn said tell it then. He studered. That hand said I will tell you, Mr. Flinn, the wind is blowing so hard that its blowed the oil out of them there cups. The hand went on singin and whistlin. And Mr. Flinn left him and said no more about oilin that plow. There are habits we should form and habits we should not form.' Yfhat are they? Ones we do form should not form, and ones we do not form are the ones we should form a great many times. Exceptions some- times. Do you know when a new married couple will not come out? No, when? When they charivari them and stay in. What are chickens good for? To eat. Ai^other kind? What are them there kind gool for? To make dates. I was conrsponcin with a awful purty gurl in the east and wrote to her and it was in hot weather and told her what day I would be over to see her. That is what they call makin dates, I reckon. I told her I would be there on that day it if wuznt so hot that the heat would- n't kill the chickens. I was writin to a purty gurl one time in Kentucky and she wrote and would keep tellin me how she enjoyed horse back ridin, and I wrote and told her she reminded me of Senator Adams, and she writ back and wanted to know why 1 I wrote her back and says this is why : Be- cause accordin to history. Senator Adams went horse back ridin ever mornin before breakfast. She never writ me any more about horse back ridin. I was tellin a girl once that a year old chap I call a 66 THE BISKITS ARE GON E yearling, and she asked me what a chap two years old is? I said a two-year-old, and she then was anxious to know what a chap less than a year old is ? And my answer was a suckling. I was in a strange town and passed by a lot of young boys, and one of them there boy^says or spoke to me in the right way. I had my mind on other things besides chaps, an-d he said to the other brats, after I had passed him, he says he is deaf and dum and cant hear nuthin. Was asked what a dictionary wuz. I says a guid- ance of ignorance. Was asked what tadpoles wuz? I says what boys fish after. I was out in another state once and seen a boy work- in for a rancher in Nebraska. And this boy was from grand old Mo. and the boy would call the cows in that old Missouri fashion, would say soke, soke, soke, and sook, sook, sook, and the cows wouldnt pay any attention to him, and the rancher and hired men sure had a time out of this Missouri hand. And he would call the hogs also in that old Missouri style, too, hogy, hogy, hogy, and the hogs wouldnt come and he would say pig, pig, pig, and they wouldnt come. And they got him to say peg, peg, peg, and they come, and so he got so he could call hogs so they would come and they told him how to> call the cows to say ha-baw, ha-baw, ha-baw, ha-baw, and the cows come. He would try to call the horses and he would call them horses like we do down here in Mo. and he would call like this: Cope, cope, cope, cope, and they wouldnt come, and the rancher told him to say comp, come, come, and to ca]l the names of the horses and mules THE BISKITS ARE GONE 67 and he got so he could finally call the horses. Rancher had one old mare, named Molly, and boy would say come Molly, come Molly, and get your alfalfa, come Molly, and get your alfalfa, like the rancher told him to call, and Molly come. When I was a boy I used to hear them call some kind of fixtures mahogana, and I thought till growed up that they had some kind of new hogs in other countries and later I found its what you call furniture, common furni- ture in a house. I used to want to go to Baltimore. A feller says to me one time what do you want to go back there for ? The most people want to go out to the west instead of east. I says to go to the dances. He said they dont h'ave any more dances in the east or Baltimore than any other places. I says yes they do. He said why? I says from the name of Baltimore. He said they dont have any more dances than any other place its size. I says nope. He said then why is Baltimore noted for dances ? I says from the name of the ball, which is a dance in Mo. and thought a ball in the east. Do you know what Delaware reminds me of? Nope, what? Dell washing the dish-ware. A boy asked his father what the difference is between a state paper and a county paper, and here is dad's an- swer: Denominated by population. A feller asked another the difference between a magazine you buy on the train and the one in the guns ? Here is his answer: One is loaded with dynamite and the other is loaded with air. Do you know the usual thought of a boy 15 years old ? 68 THE BISKITS ARE GONE Its shave. The same question; asked of a girl? In June its a flower. One time in one of the southern states where I was stayin one time a judge of the higher court wuz takin dinner with me and as we wuz leavin the dinin room in the hotel where I take my abode intinually, I says to the waitress in order to amuse the judge and girl too, I says goodbye, and she smiled. Thats what I call a girl smilin before the judge. Writer is in the real estate business at above town, 100 miles south east of Kansas City, Mo., on Frisco, & K. C. C. & S. R. R. S. If you are thinking of buying a farm then buy your ticket to Lowry City, Mo., stop and see him. He will be glad to entertain you if he can't sell you land. He has land for sale most any size farm in various counties and does not confine the land business to one county and state. Stop and see him. Write him a letter before you start so he will be there. 40 acres up to 1600 acres, in single body. He has trading propositions. Real Estate Agent LOUIS E. BROWNING Lowry City, Mo. 100 miles southeast of Kansas City, Mo.