c NEW AND IMPROVED SERIES. No. 1. THE I ANECDOTE BOOK C1 A CHOICE COLLECTION OP ANECDOTES, JESTS, WTITY SAYINGS, BON MOTS, &c., &c., SELECTED Ei:uM THE BEST SOUECES. PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS. *1850. Price Cne Penny. 7 B ft I ''J \ ' r ^ * THE ANECDOTE BOOK. SECRETS. My dear Murphy,' said an Irishman to his friend, Svh Id you betray the secret that 1 told you ?' ' Is it be -ayin^ you call it ? Sure, when I found I wasn't abl o keep It myself, didn't I do well to tell it to somebod that could ? ' DUE PROrORTIONS. ' Jock,' said a farmer's wife to the herd callant— ' Jock comem to your parritch-the IHes ai-e drowning them selves in the milk.' ' Nae fears,' replied Jock, movin. very deliberately towards the scene of action-' Nae fears they'll wade through't.' ' Od, you little rascal, do you thl Jarritc'r '''"''^^ ''''^^ ' ' ' ^> ' GIPSY WIT. Two voun^ ladies were accosted by a jripsv woman ThiTiL'^^r f-s,^'-.^«hiin"g eacii, shi^\vLrro": them their husband's faces in a pail of water : which beino- brou2:ht, they exclaimed, ' Why, we only see our own faces ! ' ; Well,' said the old wonmn, ' tS will be your husband's faces when you are married.' SECURITY AGAINST DROWNING. A lady at sea, full of apprehension in a fvalc of wind cried out among petty exclamations, ' AVe sMi oo to fe bottom— mercy on us, howmv head swim^' ^' y i madam, never fea^' Uid nr.pVf fi • / ^«unds, never P-.Wn flVn 1. if' ^^^^V-, ^ ^^^^ sailors, ' vou can ^o^cl go to the bottom while your head swims 4 GEORGE COLMAN THE YOUNGER. A young gentleman being pressed very hard in com- pany to sing, even after he had solemnly assured them that he could not, observed testily that they were want- ing to make a butt of him. ' No, my good sir,' said Mr. Colman, who was present, ' we only want to get a stave out of you.' MAKING SURE. Captain N , who lately arrived at Boston, when going up to the wharf, ordered an Irishman to throw over the buoy •, and going below a few minutes, he called to the Irishman, and asked him if he had thrown the buoy. ' No,' said he, ' I could not catch the boi/, but I threw over the old coolc.^ GRACEFUL COMPLIMENT FROM A CHILD. Washington was visiting a lady in his neighbourhood, and on his leaving the house a little girl was directed to open the door. In passing the child, he said, ' I am sorry, my dear, to give you so much trouble.' ' I wish, sir,' she replied, ' it was to let you m.' CLUMSY COMFORT. An Irishman, placed at the bar, complained bitterly that he should be placed in such an awkward position, so far from friends and home. The Judge felt kindly toward him, and said—' Be calm, young man ; you may rest assured that, although among strangers, iaWjustia will be done you: ' Be me soul, yer honour,' groan Pat, ' and it's the fear of that same that throubles me \ RESULT or FLATTERY. An unsuccessful lover was asked by what means he lost his fair. ' Alas !' cried he, ' I llattered her until she got too proud to speak to me.' BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE. A lady who was very modest and submissive before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. ' There was a time,' said her friend. ' when I almost imaoined she had none.' ' Yes,^' saia the husband with a sigh, ' but it's very long siisCE.' 5 KNOWLEDGE IS POYv'ER. While a worthy individual, of the inarch of intellect school, was 'laying down the law' the other day to a knot of acquaintances on one of the streets of Cupar, he caught the eye of a carter hard by, who had been vainly endeavouring to raise a sack of potatoes upon his cart, and who, on the instant, thus appealed to the man of knowledge — ' Come awa', Mr. ; knowledge is poiuer, ye ken — gie ks a lift on ivi' this poke o' taties / ' A HARD WORLD. A man who came to market to dispose of his cattle, entered into conversation with another on the subject of * hard times.' ' Yes,' said the cattle dealer with an air of peevishness, ' times are hard, and this is a hard world — and, in my opinion, very few will get out of it alive.' MAKING TilE UOST OF IT. Hoi'no Tooko was the son of a poulterer, which he alluded to when called upon by the proud striplings of Eton to describe himself. ' 1 am,' said young' Horne, ' the son of an eminent Turkey merchant.' THE VALUE OF MARRIED MEN. ' A little more animation, my dear,' whispered Lady B to the gentle Susan, wlio was walking languidly- through a quadrille. ' Do leave me to manage my owa business, mamma,' replied the provident ny^iph ; ' 1 shall not dance my ringlets out of curl for a married man.' ' Of coui-so not, my love ; I was not aware who your partner was.' QUITE GROUNDLESS. ' 1 am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a lai-ge landed pronertv.' ' And 1 am soiTy, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless: A NOUN OP DIFFICULT DECLENSION. It is a remarkable fact, that however well younor ladies may be vei-sed in grammar, very few of them arelible to aecmie matrvmoiiy. AN ACID DROP. ' I don't know where that boy got his bad temper-^ not from m(^ I'm sure.' ' No, my dear, ibr 1 don't per- ceive you have lost any.' ^ 6 WELL DONE. Ijord Chesterfield has beautifully and truly remarked ■ — ' Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing wdl This axiom a})plies admirably to the treatment of a friend, A THRIFTLESS LADDIE. On the application of the Prince Kegent to Parliament for a g-rant to pay off his debts, being talked of one even- ing in a company, an old Scotch lady, whose ideas weir all of a homely character, exclaimed, ' J)ebt ! how oaii lie be in debt — doesna he get his meat in his fai/thers V A CHANCE FOR BACHELORS. A man with eleven daughters was complaining ton friend that he found it hard to live. ' You must husbami your time,' said the other, ' and then you v/ill do v.'di enough.' ' I could do much better,' was the reply, 'ill could husband my daughters.* EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT. * Pati'ick,' said an employer one morning to one of lii; vrorkmen, ' you came too late this morniiig ; the other men were at work an hour before you.' ' Sure, and IT; bo even with them to-night.' ' Ilow, l^atrick V ' li! quit an hour before them, sure.' TAKE CARE OF YOUR EMPHASICS. An elderly gentleman being ill, one of his friends sen a messenger with the usual inquiry, which, hov/ever, lit };;id not pronounced with due emphasis — ' I'll thank yoo to take my compliments, and ask hoiv old Mr. AV. ij. The messenger dopa.rted on his errand, and speedily n tui-ned, saying, ' He's just G8, sir !' A BROAD HINT. The great man of a village being at dinner, allov.ii; one of his tenants to stand while he conversed with liiir. ' What news, my friend V said the squire. ' None il^'^ I know of,' replied the farmei*, 'except that a sovi mine has had a litter of thirteen pigs, and she has (h;!; twelve teats.' ' What will the thirteenth do ?' asked t!: huidlord. ' Do as I do,' returned Ilodge ; ' it will stai^ and look on while the others eat.' 7 DOING BUSINESS. The papa of a young man, who devotes more attention to gaming, horse-racing, &c., than to business, was met by a friend, who asked him what his son Jack was doing now. ' Doing, sir ?' said the papa—' doing his father, as usual.' KEEP A DOG AND BABK ! A simple servant boy one evening went up to the draw- ing-room, on the bell being rung. When he returned to the kitchen, he laughed iinmodei-atdy. Some of the ser- vants asking the cause of his mirth, he cried, ' What .'o you think ? there were sixteen of them who could not snuff the candles, and were obliged to send for me to do it.' THE SAME HERE. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was lat(>ly met by his landlord, who accosted him thus :— Molm, I intend to raise your rent;' to which John re- plied, ' Sir, I'm very much obliged to you, for 1 cannot raise it myself;' NO TIME TO LOSE, A gentleman was one day composing music for a ladv to whom he paid his addi-esses. ' Pj-ay, Miss D.,' said he what time do you prefer ?' ' Oh !' she replied, care- lessly, any time will do, but the quicker the better.' The company smiled at the rejoinder, and the gentleman took her at her word. HOLDING A HORSE. 'Rtf'~;n° T^f''°, ^J'?''^ " 'J^oes he bite?' hite'.—uo ! Take hold of t!ie bridle, 1 say.' ' Does it take two to hold him V ' No !' ' Then hol^ him yom-- THE BOOT ON THE WRONG LEG. ha^u Yfr''^'' ^^f^"'-^ ^^S^ Of different sizes, ordered his obe ed '""f'' acco^-dingly. His directions were oboved, but as he put the smallest boot on his laro-est petulantly, ' Confound thelllow'rl lustcdd of that, he has made one smaller than the other.' A BULL. An Irish gentleman goinq to the post-office, inquirof] if* there were any letters for him ? ' Your name, sir,' said the clerk. ' There is a good one now,' said the Ilibor- nian, * why, wont you see it on the back of the letter ?' BAD BETTER THAN NONE. A married woman was teUing a staid lady, somewhat on the wrong side of fifty, of' some domestic troubles, which she in great part attributed to the irregularities of her husband. ' Well (said the old maid}; you have bi-ought these troubles on yourself 1 told you not to marry him. 1 was sure he would not make you a good husband.' ' He is not a good one, to be sure, madam (replied the woman), but he is a power belter than none.' COBBETT AND THE GOOSE. When Cobbett kept a stationer's shop at Thiladelphia, and was writing under the name of ' Peter Porcupine,' a young sub went to buy some quills, and thinking to pass a joke upon Peter, aslced him if they were not Porcupimia quills? Upon wdiich Cobbett, taldng up the I'edcoat's money, drily replied, making at the same time a very profound bow, ' Oh, no, sir ! ithey are a goose's.' MOTHER WIT. An Irishman, while on his passage to this country in search of harvest work, was observed to lualk up and down the deck at a brisk pace, occasionally giving a look at the Captain whenever he came in sight, as if to^attract his observation. On being asked by the steward for his passage-money, when nearing the port of destination, 1 at replied, ' Arrah, honey, be aisoy now, sure the master won't do such a dirty trick as charge a poor shearer, who has lualked the ivhole way.' AN IMPUDENT IMP, An irregular apprentice frequently keeping late hours, his master at length took occasion to apply some weio-hty arguments to convince him of the * error of his ways.' JJuring the chastisement, he continually exclaimed, * How long will you serve the D ?' The boy reiilied, whimpering, ' You know best, sir : I believe my inden- ture will be out in three months !' 9 HOW TO AVOID QUARRELS. The late Mi-. John Jones being asked by a friend ' how he kept himself from being involved in quarrels ?' replied, *by letting the angry person have all the quarrel to himself don't you VriSII YOU MAY GET HIM? The editor of the Florence Inquirer (American paper) gives the following notice to one of his friends — ' The gentleman who took out of our library the number of Graham's Magazine, is respectfully invited to call again in about two weeks, and get the number for August.' BASHFULNESS. Sally,' said an amorous lover, speaking the other day to his intended, 'give us a kiss, will you, Sally?' ' Ko, i shan't,' said Sally ; ' lielp yourself.'' ' ASKING A BLESSING. A minister wont to dine at the house of one of his hearers, whom he was in the habit of visiting. Dinner being placed on the table, the master of the house re- quested the minister to ask a blessing. It was no sooner done, than a prattling bov, about seven years old, asked the following appi'opriate question : ' Papa, what is tho reason wg always have a blessing asked when Mr dines with us, and never at any other time ? ' VERY FUNNY. ' Father, do they light up railway carriages at umht with gas ?' ' my dear, Avith train oil.' THE SAGE AND THE SIMPLETON. As the late Professor Hamilton was one day walkino- near Aberueen, he met a well-known individual of weak intellect 'Pray,' said the Professor, Miow long can a person hve without brains?' 'I dinna ken,' replied Jemmy, scratching his head, ' how auld are ye yoursel ?' SHORT AND SHARP. ^'^"^ manners than money,' said a fi lelv-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms^ it^^^^X ^'"^ "^^^^ ^^^^ 10 SIIEKIDAN. 'IIow is it,' said a gentleman to the late Hichard Brinsley Sheridan, ' that your name has not an O at- tached to it ; your family is Irish, and no doubt illustri- ous?' ' No family has a better right to an O than our family,' replied Sheridan, ' for we 0 (owe) everybody.' HOOKS AND EYES. George Colman being once asked if he knew Theodore Hook—' Oh yes,' was his reply, ' Hook and I (eye) are old associates.' QUESTIONABLE. Schoolmaster : — ' Robert, compare the adjective colcV Robert : — ' I'ositive, cold : comparative, cough : superla- tive, coffin /' A SLIGHT MISTAKE. Never did Paddy utter a better bull than did an honest John, who, being asked by a friend, ' Has your sister got a son or a daughter ?' answered, ' Positively, I do not yet know whether 1 am an uncle or an aunV TIT FOR TAT. A lady approaching the vale of years, but still retain- ing personal attractions, exclaimed in triumph to her maid, ' What would you give, child, to have my beauty ?' ' Almost as much as you would to possess my youth, madam,' replied the girl. can't oblige you AT PRESENT. Ill one of the engagements during the war in Egypt, a poor Frenchman, falling into the power of a Highlaiul sergeant, screamed out the only English woi'd he was master of, ' Quarter ! quai-tor !' ' She'll no hae time to quarter ye the uoo,' replied Donald, ' she'll just cut yo in tiva I ' AN EAR FOR MUSIC. A little girl being asked if she had an oar for music, replied, ' Yes, 1 believe I have ; for 1 heard the sound of a fiddle when a man was playing on it at least two hun- dred yards off.' 11 A HINT roil THE * BLUES.' Milton hiAu^ asked whether he would instruct his laughters in the different lan.iiOAl) HINT. ' Thomas,' said a sponging friend of the family to a footman, who had been Hngei'ing about the room for half an horn* to show him to the dooi*, ' Thomas, my good fel- low, it's getting late, isn't it ? How soon will the dinner come up, Thomas ? ' ' The very moment you be gone, sir,' was the unequivocal reply. HOW TO MAKE MEN BRAVE. Sir Thomas Fitzgerald, famous for Hogging, had raised a regiment of pardoned peasantry in the sister kingdom, which he called the ' Ancient Irish.' He and his corps were sent on foreign service. On his return he boasted frequently of their bravery, and that no other troops were so forward to face the enemy. ' No wonder,' said Ned Lysaght ; 'thanks to your Hogging, they were ashmned to show their backs.' THE SIIA3IE-FACED IKISUMAIT. An Irishman being asked, a few days since, to take a 7nutton chop with a friend, declined the invitation, sayino-, ' that he had ate so much mutton of late, ho was ashamed to look a sheep in the face,' EXTRAORDINARY DESPATCH. The editor of an American paper, in desci-ibing tho rapid sale of his journal, assures those who choose to believe him, that it goes olY like greased lightning ! VIOE-VERSA. As a canal-boat was passing under a bridge, tho captain gave the usual warning by calling aloud, " Look out !" when a little Frenchman, who was in the cabin, obeyed the order by popping )iis head out of tho window, which received a severe bump, by coming in contact witii a pillar of the bridge. Pie drew it back in a great pet, and exclaimed, " Dese Amerikans say, ' Look out I' when dey mean ' Look in I' " A DEPUTY WANTED. ' I can't speak in public — never done such a thing in all my life,' said a chap the other night at a public meet- ing, who hixd been called upon to hold forth, ' but if any- body in the crowd will speak for me, I'll liold his hat' 15 IIOAV TO GET A LIFT. tPrny' said Mr. to a s^entleman he overtook on An-ui ' will you have the complaisance to take my nVcoat in yo carria-e to town ?' ' With pleasure, dear si but how wilf you j^et it a. J^f'"'^ . .^.^^ when master bespoke a couple of fowls foi ^^^^^^ ' '^"^ they had slipped told the c .erk to pa^^^ --d^ ing to agreement. Uii, su, fca}& ^c, f;ood witness ? ' IGNORANCE OF FEAR. A child of one of the crew of ^^J^^f^'^l^ cock, during the -"on wn* the Un.ted ^^^^ d 1th airaround bin, he ,je..isted t>U a cannon took oft- both the bind legs of the goat, when, •t^;™'g^^?^ disabled, he jumped astride her, crji.ig, Ao,» cauirht vou.' 20 A COMMON CASE. ' Doctor,' said a person once to a suro-eon, *mv daimh^ has had a terrible fit this mornin<. fshe cSnS'^ half an hour without knowledc^e or undersLnd o ' ^K^n tei^r ^' "-^^ -n,p|;p4 GRAMMAE FOI! THE MILLION. A young lady at sc)iool, engaged in the study of wra. niar was asked if ' kiss' was"a ?omn,ou or proper MODESTY. ihZ^Z^ ''n ^""TF Cincinnati Avho is so modej that he will not ' embrace an opportunity. '-He ml make a good mate for the lady'^who fainted when heard of the naked truth. ^ COOKERY-BOOK. Has that cookery-book any pictures r said Miss C t« a bookseller ' i\o, miss, none,' was the answer. MVtiy' exclanned the witty and beautiful yonn^ ladv, ' whati u: no ^^-3 dim;er if tl, irishman's notion of discount. thll f gloomy day, in the month of Decembe,, Jo dkt^ ^"■n°T'^ Irishman applied to a merchad thol r?,'^. ''™';'^"S<^ at rather a H ""^ "nusual date ; and tl.G merchant haviii to™n ^'T^^'i*!'^ "ftth^^WU had a great many da, mv h?mnv '%*''H^ '■'■P '.ed the Irishman, 'but the^ thfs tS?The yeaf. i™""'"' ^'""'^ '"^^^ MISS WILBERFORCE. .u)!?''''' l^^^b^'t'^^''^'' ^ candidate for Hull,fli nll:^ ' r f ^"^^ ^^^^tty younjr lady, offered the com- imont of a new g^own to each of the wives of those free- ^- iMf T •.u'^^^^ H hrother-on which she waJ saluted with a cry of ' Miss AVilberforce /or everr-^^■kl she pleasantly observed, ' I thank you, jrentlemen; b«t m^'^-fr'f'^'^ y'^''-^'^^ ^-^^aliy 1 do"notwishtol)i Jrhss yVilberforce for ever! ' 21 SENSIBILITY. A lady M'ho made pretensions to the most refined fecl- ino-s, went to her butcher to remonsti'ate with him on his cruel i)raetices. ' How,' said she, ' can you be so barbar- ous as to put innocent little lambs to death ?' — ' AVhy not, madam,' said the butcher, ' you would, not eat them alive, would you ?' , ADVANTAGE OF TIME. A poor man being laughed at for wearing- a short cloak, said, ' It will be long enough before 1 have done with it.' THE NEGKO AND HIS LETTER. A coloured man lately went to the post-office, and put- ting his nose close up to the deliveiy box, cried out, ' Louder I ' The clerk supposing the negro to be deaf, and that he was making a request of him to speak louder, so that he could hear, asked him in a very loud tone the name of the person for whom he wanted the letter. 'Louder!' cried the negro. ' What ??ame ' yelled the clerk. ' Louder !' again bawled the negro, who now sup- posed the clerk to be deaf The clerk took a long breath, and with all his might again bellowed out in the negro's face the same question—' What name V This was done in so loud a tone, that the echo seemed to return from the far-off hills. The negro started back in alarm, shout- ing to the very top of his big lungs—' Louder, sir, Louder ! I told you Louder! my name is nothing else !' ' Oh, ah ! oh, oh !' said the clerk, ' your name is Louder, eh ? Didn't think of that ; hero's your letter.' CHARGE TO A JURY. An able and learned judge was once obliged to deliver the following charge to a jury :— ' Gentlemen of the jury, in this case the counsel on both sides are uninteUigible • the witnesses are incredible; and both the plaintiff and defendant are such bad characters, that to me it is indif- lerent which way you give your verdict.' SEVERE REBUKE. A French field-marshal, who had attained that rank Dy court favour, not by valour, received from a lady the presentof a drum, with this insci-iption, Made to he beaten. 22 STAGGERING DRUNK. ^ A witness having sworn that a prosecutor wasston mg drunk, the counsel, being anxious to ascertain eS what he meant by the term, desired the witness t iLimself m the same position ! A LONG RANGE. A person of Chelmsford, more ingenious than scr, lous, paid an account by a bill at 2 months ; but, on! Bonting It at the end of that period, the holder fo2 M^i^^drawn payable 2 months after death, instead ofaf HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE CURRENCY QUESTION ^ ^-4 THREE WONDERS OF WOMEN. The daughter of a respectable gentleman, a