FL, i 
 
 • i 
 
 FROM 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 OF 
 
 SIR WILLIAM OSLER , Bart. 
 OXFORD 
 
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HARINGTON (Sir John) 1561-1612. 
 
 4907. The Metamorphosis of Ajax; a 
 Cloacinean Satire : with the Anatomy and 
 Apology. By Sir John Harington. To which 
 is added Ulysses upon Ajax. 8°. Chiswick , 
 C. Whittingham , 1814. 
 
 With portr., illustrs., and an anonymous preface. 
 Reprints, separately paged and with the original 
 titles, of 3 works issued pseudonymously in 1596, 
 viz. * A new discourse of a stale subject : called the 
 Metamorphosis of Ajax . . . By Misacmos ’ ; ‘ An 
 Anatomy of the Metamorpho-sed Ajax. Wherein 
 ... is plainly . . . eliquidated . . . how ^ unsavoury 
 places may be made sweet . . . By T. C.', with ' An 
 Apology ' ; and ‘ Ulysses upon Ajax ... By Miso- 
 diaboles \ The last is probably, the others cer¬ 
 tainly, by Har ington. _ 
 
 One of 100 copies. Inserted : an engraving of 
 Queen Elizabeth, the author’s godmother—“ From 
 the Sir John Harington copper plate in the posses¬ 
 sion of his descendants. Given me by H. F. B. 
 Brett-Smith, 1916. Wm. Osier.” 
 
 The * Anatomy ’ of Ajax (ajakes, or privy) is an 
 illustrated description of the water-closet invented 
 by Harington. __ 
 
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THE 
 
 09 et<imorpl)ost 0 of Afar; 
 
 A CLOACINEAN SATIRE: 
 
 WITH THE 
 
 ANATOMY AND APOLOGY. 
 
 BY SIR JOHN HARINGTON. 
 
 TO WHICH IS ADDED, 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 CHISWICK: 
 
 FROM THE PRESS OF C. WHITT1NGHAM 
 M DCCC XIV. 
 
ADVERTISEMENT 
 
 The tracts which constitute the following 
 volume, are perhaps the first specimens of the 
 Rabelesian satire our language has to boast . 
 They are replete with that kind of humour 
 which distinguishes the writings of the French 
 Lucian, and partake of their grossness . 
 
 The extreme rarity of these once popular 
 trifles, renders it doubtful whether Swift or 
 Sterne were acquainted with them; yet there 
 are passages in the writings of both these 
 eccentric writers, so strongly resembling some 
 parts of the present volume, as almost to induce 
 a suspicion that they had seen them: this 
 resemblance , however, may have arisen from 
 the circumstance of their being, like our author, 
 imitators of Rabelais and the other early 
 French writers of facet ire. 
 
 
 
HH 
 
 t 
 
 vi ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 Of the Metamorphosis of Ajax, the avowed 
 purport is the description of a species of water- 
 closet which Sir John Harington had invented 
 and erected at Kelston, his seat near Bath; hut 
 he has contrived to make it the vehicle of much 
 diverting matter, evincing his extensive read¬ 
 ing: he has also interspersed numerous satiric 
 touches, and allusions to cotemporary persons 
 and events; many of which are now necessarily 
 obscure, and which were no doubt one of the 
 causes of its great, popularity at the time of 
 publication . 
 
 Elizabeth, however she might be diverted 
 with the humour of this whimsical performance , 
 is said to have conceived much disquiet on 
 being told the author had aimed a shaft at 
 Leicester . Its satiric tendency procured the 
 writer many enemies; and it is supposed that 
 he owed his good fortune in escaping a Star- 
 chamber suit to the favour of the queen*, who 
 yet affected to be much displeased, and forbade 
 him the court in consequence . 
 
 * In the first book of HaringtoiCs epigrams, he has one 
 addressed “To Master Cooke, the queen's attorney,” that 
 was incited to call Misacmos into the Star-chamber, but 
 
ADVERTISEMENT. vii 
 
 The Metamorphosis of Ajax, for which a 
 license was refused , appears to have been twice 
 reprinted within a few months; thefirst edition 
 bears in the title the name of Richard Field, 
 who also printed the first and second editions 
 of the author’s translation of Ariosto: it must 
 have been published previous to the third of 
 August 1596, as the MS, dedication to Mark¬ 
 ham is then dated. The book teas in a subse¬ 
 quent impression put forth without the name 
 of the printer; and this edition, judging 
 from a note on the title of a copy collated 
 on the present occasion, appeared in or before 
 
 refused it; saying, he that could give another a venu had a 
 sure ward for himself. 
 
 Epi c. xlv. Book 1., 
 
 Those that of dainty fare make dear provision, 
 
 If some bad Cooks mar it with dressing evil, 
 
 Are wont to say in jest, but just derision, 
 
 The meat from God, the Cooks came from the devil: 
 But if this dish, though draff in apparition, 
 
 Were made thus sauc'd, a service not uncivil, 
 
 Say ye that taste and not digest the book, 
 
 The devil go with the meat, God with the Cook . 
 
 Several othei' epigrams relating to his Metamorphosis of 
 Ajax, alluding to Elizabeth's displeasure, fyc. appear in the 
 same collection. They are also printed at the end of this 
 advertisement. 
 
ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 viii 
 
 the month of September in the same year, 
 having at the bottom of the title, Printed 
 1596. A third edition, evidently an attempt 
 at an exact facsimile of the latter, but differ¬ 
 ing in several minute particulars, sufficient to 
 demonstrate that the press had been entirely 
 reset, is in possession of the editor. 
 
 The Anatomy seems to have been published 
 at the same time, or very shortly after; a 
 former possessor of the copy above referred to, 
 has noted on the title that he obtained this part 
 of the work by gift, in October 1596: it 
 should be remarked, however, that the sig¬ 
 natures are continued through The Anatomy, 
 which appears to have been reprinted with the 
 Metamorphosis. The two editions have been 
 compared, hit the variations are chiefly typo¬ 
 graphical. 
 
 The Apology it is probable soon followed; 
 and here a new signature, A a, commences: of 
 this part two editions have also been collated; 
 one of which has some marginal references 
 which are wanting in the other; these, in 
 the present reimpression, are distinguished by 
 being printed in the Italic character. 
 
ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 IX 
 
 A curious presentation-copy of the book 
 from Sir J. Harington , to his friend Thomas 
 Markham y was formerly in the collection of 
 Mr. Reed , and is now enshrined in the noble 
 library at Hodnet. Some marginal notes in 
 the hand zvriting of Sir John , and a MS. 
 dedication zvhich enrich this copy y are here, for 
 the first time y printed from an accurate tran¬ 
 script furnished by a friend. The MS. notes 
 occur in the Metamorphosis y and are marked 
 by being in Italics. 
 
 'Neither of the editions have follozced the 
 orthography of the author , as appears by com¬ 
 parison with the MS. papers remaining , written 
 by him; and they differ so materially in this 
 respect , that it should seem the printers of 
 that period used the licence of adopting their 
 own mode y without reference to the author's 
 MS. The incongruity of the same word spelt 
 several ways within a short passage , marks the 
 then unsettled state of orthography; the diffi¬ 
 culty of reducing it to what might be pre¬ 
 sumed to have been that of the writer , amid 
 the discordance of the printed copies , induced 
 the editor to modernize it y except in those 
 
X 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 instances where the preservation of the old 
 spelling seemed to afford an elucidation of the 
 text, as in the case of a few double entendres 
 depending upon similarity of sound; but in 
 no instance has a genuine old word been sup¬ 
 plied by its modern substitute . 
 
 The Ulysses upon Ajax has been generally 
 assigned to a different hand; but the similarity 
 of style, and the same familiar acquaintance 
 with the writings of Rabelais, Bouchet, fyc. in 
 the opinion of the present writer establish the 
 identity of Misacmos and Misodiaboles # . This 
 latter piece has been considered inferior to the 
 Metamorphosis; but though more exceptionable 
 from its grossness, it is by no means less witty 
 
 * It should not he dissembled, that the Ulysses upon Ajax is 
 treated as the composition of another, by Davies of Hei'tford, 
 in the following lines to Sir J. Harington: 
 
 I dare not say your wit was wisdom pointed, 
 
 When you in Ajax had your wit anointed; 
 
 Sith by no small fools, yet accounted wise, 
 
 Such strains of wit are held but fooleries; 
 
 But this I say, and say what well I wot 
 (Ulysses upon Ajax play'd the sot) ; 
 
 For what you put in Ajax was more worth 
 By odds, than what Ulysses then put forth. 
 
 Wits Bedlam, 1617. Epig. 233.* 
 

 ADVERTISEMENT. xi 
 
 or amusing. Of the Ulysses, two editions of 
 the same date, both bearing the name of 
 Thomas Gubbins as publisher, but differing in 
 the number of pages, in the typographical 
 arrangement, and a few other trifling par¬ 
 ticulars, have been collated for the present 
 edition: it is remarkable, that here also a few 
 marginal notes occur in one copy which are not 
 in the other; and these are distinguished in 
 the same manner as in the Metamorphosis, fyc. 
 by being printed in Italics. 
 
 The extraordinary rarity of copies of the fol¬ 
 lowing tracts, may in some degree be accounted 
 for by their popular nature. The admirers 
 of this species of composition will not be 
 displeased to be brought acquainted zeith a 
 book, of which very few complete copies are 
 known to exist, and which certainly has some¬ 
 thing more than mere rarity to boast; for 
 although its author every where manifests his 
 propensity to punning, yet it should be consi¬ 
 dered that it was the most popular species of 
 wit in his time, arid it will be acknowledged that 
 there is a fund of genuine humour in the fol¬ 
 lowing volume, perhaps not exceeded in any 
 
x ji advertisement. 
 
 production of the more recent imitators of 
 Rabelais . 
 
 In renewing these facetious trifles, it was 
 at first the intention of the editor to have 
 annexed a few illustrations which had occurred 
 to him in the perusal, and a brief biographical 
 sketch of the author; this part of his plan is 
 at present suspended; for the bulk of the 
 volume, and the small number of copies printed, 
 will render it sufficiently expensive without 
 these additions, which might be held superero¬ 
 gatory by many purchasers of the book . If 
 however a sufficient number to defray the ex¬ 
 penses of the impression, should intimate a wish 
 for the completion of his plan, he will still be 
 proud to lay before them the materials he has 
 collected, in a small supplement. 
 

 m of 
 t ®M 
 
 ) han 
 curnd 
 iphical 
 plan it 
 of Ik 
 mli( 
 litkt 
 iftrm- 
 
 k IJ 
 tka- 
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 kk 
 
 The following Copy of a Letter from Sir J. Harington to 
 Lady Dowager Russell, concerning his « Metamorphosis 
 of Ajax," from the Burghley Papers in Lord Lansdown's 
 MS. Library, Vol. Ixxxii. No. 88, may not unaptly 
 be here subjoined. 
 
 Right honorable & my speciall good Lady, 
 having written not long since this fantastical 
 treatise, & putting yt to the print under a covert 
 name. 1 he first two leaves of yt, (wherein is 
 almost nothing but all skurrell & toying matter) 
 was show’d my Lo. Treasurer, by my ill happ as 
 I count yt, yf his goodnesse & honourable dis- 
 pocitione doe not the better interpret yt; w ch 
 makes me now thus bould to intreate yo r honor 
 to send his Lo: p the rest of it w ch I have before 
 now for the moste part of it, read unto you. 
 humbly praying you, to delyver yo r favorable 
 censure of it, at least so far that it is pleasant 
 and harmeles. 
 
 And for the devyse ytself, 1 knowe my Lord 
 would not leave yt, yf it w'eare at Tiballs (as 
 I say merely in the booke, the 118* page.) for 
 
 * Page 125 in the present edition. 
 
xiv COPY OF A LETTER, ETC. 
 
 1000 u and to doe his Lordship service, I will 
 ryde thither, and enstruct his workmen to doe 
 yt for lesse then a thousand pence. 
 
 And that 1 may confesse trewly & franckly to 
 you (my best Lady, that have even from my 
 childhood ever so specially favord me) I was the 
 willinger to w r ryte such a toye as this, because 
 I had layne me thought allmost buryed in the 
 country these three or foure yeares, and I 
 thought this would give some occasion to have 
 me thought of and talked of. ot as he that 
 burned the temple of Diana to make him 
 famous; not as Absolon that burned Joab’s 
 corne, to make him come to speech with him : 
 But rather as Sophocles to save himself from a 
 writt of dotage, showde the worke he was prea- 
 sently in hand with. I observe this, that in all 
 common wealthes, the gowne and the sw ord rule 
 all; and that the pen is above the swwd, they 
 that wear plumes above their helmetts doe 
 therein (though they know yt not) confesse 
 according to the saying Cadant arma toga.) 
 My education hath bin suche, and I truste my 
 limmes and spirit both are suche, as neither shall 
 be defective to the service of mv prince & 
 
COPY OF A LETTER, ETC. XV 
 
 country, whether it be with wryting or wea¬ 
 pon; only my desyre is my service may be 
 accepted, and I doubt not, but yt shal be 
 acceptable; to the which his Lo: ps good con- 
 ceyt of me, I count would be a good stepp, 
 and to that good conceyt your honors com- 
 mendacion I perswade me would be a good 
 meanes. So I humbly take my leave this 
 xiiij th of August. (1596) 
 
 Your honors most bownde 
 John Uaryngton. 
 
r 
 
EPIGRAMS 
 
 . RELATING TO THE AJAX. 
 BY SIR JOHN HARINGTON. 
 
 Book i. Ep. 43 . 
 
 To the Queen’s Majesty, when she found fault with some 
 particular matters in Misacmos’ Metamorphosis. 
 
 Dread Sovereign, take this true , though poor excuse 
 Of all the errors of Misacmos’ muse; 
 
 A hound that of a whelp myself hath bred , 
 
 And at my hand and table taught and fed , 
 
 When other curs did fawn and flatter coldly , 
 
 Did spring and leap, and play with me too boldly; 
 For ivhich, although my pages check and rate him , 
 Yet still myself doth much more love than hate him. 
 
 Book i. Ep. 44 . 
 
 To the Ladies of the Queen’s Privy Chamber, at the 
 making of their perfumed Privy at Richmond. 
 
 The book hanged in chains saith thus: 
 
 Fair dames , if any took in scorn and spite , 
 
 Me, that Misacmos’ muse in mirth did write , 
 b 
 
xv iii EPIGRAMS. 
 
 To satisfy the sin, lo, here in chains 
 For aye to hang my master he ordains: 
 
 Yet deem the deed to him no derogation, 
 
 But doom to this device new commendation; 
 
 But here you see, feel, smell, that his conveyance 
 Hath freed this noisome place from all annoyance: 
 Now judge you, that the work mock, envy, taunt, • 
 
 Whose service in this place may make most vaunt: 
 
 If us, or you to praise it were most meet, 
 
 You that made sour, or us that made it sweet ? 
 
 Book i. Ep . 46. 
 
 Against Lynus, a Writer that found fault with the 
 Metamorphosis. 
 
 Lynus, to give me a spiteful frump. 
 
 Said that my writings savour'd of the pump; 
 
 And that my muse, for want of matter, takes 
 An argument to write of from the Jakes . 
 
 Well, Lynus, speak each reader as he thinks, 
 
 Though thou of sceptres wrot'st, and I of sinks; 
 
 Yet some will say, comparing both together, 
 
 My wit brings matter thence, thine matter thither . 
 
 Book i. Ep. 51. 
 
 Of Cloacina and Stercutius. 
 The Romans, ever counted superstitious, 
 Adored with high titles of divinity, 
 
 Dame Cloacina and the lord Stercutius; 
 
 Two pei'sons in their state of great affinity: 
 
EPIGRAMS. 
 
 
 xix 
 
 But we, that scorn opinions so pernicious, 
 
 Are taught by truth well try'd V adore the Trinity; 
 And whoso care of true religion takes , 
 
 Will think such saints well shrined in a jax. 
 
 Book i. Ep. 52 . 
 
 To the Queen, when she was pacified and had sent 
 Misacmos thanks for the Invention. 
 
 A poet once of Trajan begg'd a lease 
 (Trajan , terror of war , mirror of peace), 
 
 And doubting how his writings were accepted, 
 
 *Gainst which he heard some courtiers had excepted; 
 
 He came to him , and with all due submission, 
 
 Deliver'd this short verse with his petition: 
 
 Dear Sovereign , if you like not of my writings, 
 
 Grant this sweet cordial to a spirit daunted; 
 
 But if you read and like my poor inditings , 
 
 Then for reward let this small suit be granted. 
 
 Of which short verse I find ensu'd such fruit, 
 
 The poet of the prince obtain'd his suit. 
 
 Book ij . Ep. 13 . 
 
 Against Caius, that scorned his Metamorphosis. 
 
 Last day thy distress, Caius, being present , 
 
 One happ'd to name, to purpose not unpleasant , 
 
 The title of my misconceived book ; 
 
 At which you spit, as though you could not brook 
 
XX 
 
 EPIGRAMS. 
 
 So gross a word: but shall I tell the matter 
 Why ? If one names a Jax, your lips do watei\ 
 There was the place of your first love and meeting; 
 There first you gave your mistress such a greeting. 
 As bred her scorn, your shame, and others laughter, 
 And made her feel it twenty fortnights after: 
 
 Then thank their wit that make the place so sweet, 
 That for your Hymen you thought place so meet; 
 But meet not maids at madam Cloacina, 
 
 Lest they cry nine months after, help Lucina. 
 
 Book iji . Ep . 29. 
 
 To his Friend of his Book Ajax. 
 
 You muse to find in me such alteration, 
 
 That I that maidenly to write was wont, 
 
 Would now set to a book so desperate front, 
 
 As I might scant defend by incitation ; 
 
 My muse that time did need a strong purgation, 
 Late having ta'en some bimise by lewd reports ; 
 
 And when the physic wrought, you know the fashion 
 J Thereto a man in such a case resorts : 
 
 And so my muse with good decorum spent , 
 
 On that base titled book, her excrement. 
 
NIUNA CORROTTA MENTE IMESE MAI SANAMENTE PA 
 ROLE; ET COSI COME LE HON ESI E A QUELLA NON GIO- 
 VANO, COSI QUELLE, CHE TANTO HONESTE NON SONO, 
 LA BEN DISPOSTA NON POSSON CONTAMINARE, SE NON 
 COME IL LOTO 1 SOLAR! RAGGl, O LE TERRENE BRUTTURE 
 LE BELLEZZE DEL CIELO. 
 
 Boccaccio, conclusione del Decamerone. 
 
For the following Errata which have occurred by acci¬ 
 dents at press, and for all others which may have 
 escaped detection, the reader’s indulgence is craved. 
 
 METAMORPHOSIS. 
 
 Page 39, side note, bonu, read bonum. 
 
 — 43, 1. 10, Campiano/>5,a,'i£, — Campiano^an?- 
 
 — 58, side note, causidicie, — causidice. 
 
 — 114, side note, hasse — asse. 
 
 ANATOMY. 
 
 Page 6,1. 22, scrire, read scire. 
 
 APOLOGY. 
 
 Page 33,1. 12, sfib, read fish. 
 
T 
 
 

A 
 
 NEW DISCOURSE 
 
 OF A 
 
 STALE SUBJECT; 
 
 CALLED THE 
 
 METAMORPHOSIS OF AJAX. 
 
 WRITTEN BY MISACMOS, 
 
 TO HIS FRIEND AND COUSIN PHILOSTILPNOS. 
 
 AT LONDON: 
 
 .BrinteB fop 3RtcTjam jFielu, nfoetttng in tTjc TBlaekfriats. 
 
 1 5 9G. 
 
p 
 
To the Right zcorshipfull 
 
 THOMAS MARKHAM 
 
 Esquyre this 
 bee dd 
 
 1 wil not saye moclie to you in the beginning of 
 my booke becaus I have sayd perhaps more 
 then enough of yow in the end 
 
 1 pray yow take yt wel for I doubt not but 
 some will take yt ill, but yf they doe yt wil be 
 becaus they doe ill understand yt; yo r interest 
 is moch in the work becaus yt is moste in the 
 wry ter, so I end the iij d of August 1596 
 
 By the Autor. 
 
u 
 

 A LETTER 
 
 WRITTEN BY 
 
 A GENTLEMAN OF GOOD WORTH, 
 
 TO THE 
 
 AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 X have heard much of your house, of your 
 pictures, of your walks, of your ponds, and 
 of your two boats, that came one by land and 
 the other by sea from London-bridge, and 
 met both at Bath-bridge; all which, God 
 willing (if I live another summer), I will come 
 of purpose to see; as also a swimming place, 
 where, if one may believe your brother Fran¬ 
 cis, Diana did bathe her, and Acteon see her 
 without horns. But to deal plainly with you, 
 there be three special things that I have heard 
 much boasted of, and therefore would willing- 
 
VI 
 
 liest see. The one a fountain standing ou 
 43 . canto, pillars, like that in Ariosto, under which you 
 may dine and sup: the second a shooting close, 
 with a twelve score mark to every point of the 
 card, in which I hear you have hit a mark that 
 many shoot at; viz. to make a barren stony 
 land fruitful with a little cost: the third is a 
 thins that I cannot name well without save- 
 reverence, and yet it sounds not unlike the 
 a shooting shooting place, but it is in plain English a 
 
 place written . 
 
 with rythago- s -or place. Though if it be so sweet and 
 
 ras’ letter. ° 1 n . 
 
 so cleanly as I hear, it is a wrong to it to use 
 save-reverence; for one told me it is as sweet 
 as my parlour; and I would think discourtesy, 
 one should say, save-reverence my parlour. 
 But if I might entreat you (as you partly pro¬ 
 mised me at your last being here) to set down 
 the manner of it in writing, so plain as our 
 gross wits here may understand it, or to cause 
 your man, M. Combe (who I understand can 
 paint prettily) make a draught or plot thereof 
 to be well conceived, you should make many 
 of your friends much beholding to you; and 
 perhaps you might cause reformation in many 
 houses that you wish well unto, that will think 
 
no scorn to follow your good example. Nay, 
 to tell you my opinion seriously, if you have 
 so easy, so cheap, and so infallible a way for 
 avoiding such annoyances in great houses, you 
 may not only pleasure many great persons, but 
 do her majesty good service in her palace of 
 Greenwich, and other stately houses that are 
 oft annoyed with such savours, as where many 
 mouths be fed can hardly be avoided. Also 
 you might be a great benefactor to the city of 
 London, and all other populous towns, who 
 stand in great need of such conveyances. 
 But all my fear is, that your pen having been 
 inured to so high discourse, 
 
 Of dames , of knights, of arms , of loves delight, 
 will now disdain to take so base a subject, 
 
 Of vaults , of sinks , privies , and draughts to write. 
 
 But herein let a public benefit expel a pri¬ 
 vate bashfulness; and if you must now and 
 then break the rules de slovilitate morum , with 
 some of these homely words, you see I have 
 broken the ice to you; and you know the old 
 saying, pens may blot, but they cannot blush. 
 And as old Tarlton was wont to say, this same 
 
viii 
 
 excellent word save-reverence, makes it all 
 mannerly. Once this I dare assure you, if 
 you can but tell a homely tale of this in prose, 
 as cleanly, as you have told in verse a bawdy 
 tale or two in Orlando mannerly, it may pass 
 among the sourest censurers very currently. 
 And I thus expecting your answer hereto, at 
 your convenient leisure, I commit you to God 
 this of 1596. 
 
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ANSWER TO THE LETTER. 
 
 JVLy good cousin, if you have heard so well of 
 my poor house with the appurtenances, it were 
 to be wished for preservation of your better 
 conceit thereof, that you would not see them at 
 all, they will seem to you so far short of the 
 report; for I do compare my buildings and 
 my writings together; in which, though the 
 common sort think there is some worth and 
 wit, yet the graver censors do find many faults 
 and follies: and no marvel; for he that builds 
 and hath gathered little, and writes and hath 
 read little, must needs be a bad builder and a 
 worse writer . But whereas you are disposed, 
 either in the way of praise or of play, to 
 extol so much the basest room of my house, as 
 though you preferred it afore the best, your 
 commendation is not much unlike his courtesy, 
 that being invited by a crabbed favoured host 
 to a neat house, did spit in his hosts face, 
 because it was the foulest part of the house . 
 
But such as I have you shall be welcome to; 
 and if I may know when you will begin your 
 progress, I will pray my brother to be your 
 guide; who will direct your Jests in such sort , 
 as first, you shall come by a fine house that 
 lacks a mistress; then to a fair house that 
 mourns for a master; from whence, by a straight 
 way called the force-way, you shall come to a 
 town that is more than a town, where be the 
 waters that be more than waters. But from 
 thence you shall pass down a stream that seems 
 to be no stream, by corn fields that seem no 
 fields, down a street no street, in at a gate no 
 gate, over a bridge no bridge, into a court no 
 court, where if I be not at home, you shall 
 find perhaps a fool no fool. 
 
 But whereas you praise my husbandry, you 
 make me remember an old schoolfellow of mine 
 in Cambridge, that having lost five shillings 
 abroad at cards, would boast he had saved two 
 candles at home by being out of his chamber; 
 for such be most of my savings. Yet this one 
 point of husbandry, though it may well be 
 called beggarly, yet it is not for all that con¬ 
 temptible, and thus it was: Finding a fair 
 and flat field, though very stony, as all this 
 
XI 
 
 country is, I made some vagrant beggars (of 
 which by neighbourhood of the baths here 
 comes great store) to gather all the stones that 
 might break our harrows; and finding an easy 
 mean to water the ground with a fat water, I 
 have bettered my ground (as you say) and 
 quite rid me of my wandering guests; who 
 will rather walk seven mile about, than come 
 where they shall be forced to work one half 
 hour. 
 
 Now, sir, to come to the chief point of your 
 desire, which requires a more ample answer, 
 but for a preamble you must be content with 
 this. You tell me, belike to encourage me, 
 that my invention may be beneficial, not only 
 to my private friend, but to towns and cities, 
 yea, even to her majesty s service for some of 
 her houses: trust me, I do believe you write 
 seriously as you term it herein; and for my 
 part I am so wholly addicted to her highness 
 service, as I would be glad, yea, even proud, if 
 the highest strain of my wit could but reach to 
 any note of true harmony in the full concert 
 of her majesty's service, though it were in the 
 basest key that it could be tuned to. And if 
 I should fortune to effect so good a reformation 
 
xii 
 
 in the palace of Richmond or Greenwich (to 
 which palace many of us owe service for the 
 tenure of our land), I doubt not but some 
 . pleasant witted courtier of either sex, would 
 grace me so much at least, as to say that I 
 were worthy for my rare invention to be made 
 one of the privy (and after a good long paren¬ 
 thesis, come out with) chamber; or if they be 
 learned and have read Castiglio’s courtier they 
 will say, I am a proper scholar, and well seen 
 in Latrina lingua. But let him mock that list; 
 qui moccat moccabitur: 
 
 Who strike with sword, the scabbard them may strike; 
 And sure love craveth love, like asketh like. 
 
 If men of judgment think it may breed a 
 public benefit, the conceit thereof shall expel 
 all private bashfulness; and I will herein fol¬ 
 low the example of that noble lady, that to 
 Camden in his save the liberties of Coventry rode naked at 
 
 Britannia. J J 
 
 noon through the streets thereof, and is nozo 
 thought to be greatly honoured and nothing 
 shamed thereby . 
 
 Further, whereas you embolden my pen not 
 to be abashed at the baseness of the subject, 
 and as it were leading me on the way, you tell 
 me you have broken the ice for me, to enter me 
 
n 
 
 xm 
 
 into such broad phrases as you think must be 
 vice Jot frequent herein; I will follow your steps and 
 (tfk* your counsel, neither will I disdain to use the 
 r sei, mi poor help of save-reverence, if need be, much 
 
 ' say tk like as a good friend of yours and mine, that 
 
 ntok w beginning to dispraise as honest a man as him- 
 
 Ihajtp self to a great nobleman, said, he is the veriest 
 
 )r { Jdf; knave, saving your lordship: but the nobleman 
 courtier fi ( ere the zcords were fully out of his mouth) 
 
 andrnh said, save thyself, knave, and be hanged; save 
 
 locktki n °t me ‘ Even so I must write in this discourse; 
 
 sometime indeed as homely (saving your wor- 
 mmav# ship) as you shall lightly see; and yet I will 
 
 ike, endeavour to keep me within the bounds of 
 
 I modesty, and use no words but such as grave 
 
 My hr ffiuucaiy, unu no woras oui such as grave 
 f shall aft precedents in divinity, law, physic, or good civi¬ 
 lity, will sufficiently warrant me. 
 
 Sure I am that many other countrymen, 
 both Dutch, French, and Italians, with great 
 praise of wit, though small of modesty, have 
 written of worse matters . One writes in 
 praise of folly; another in honour of the 
 pox; a third defends usury; a fourth com¬ 
 mends Nero; a fifth extols and instructs baw- 
 dery; the sixth displays and describes Puttana 
 Errante, which I hear zvill come forth shortly 
 
XIV 
 
 This matter is in English; a seventh (whom I would guess 
 
 discoursed by 
 Rabelais in his 
 11th chapter of 
 his 5th book. 
 
 ids by his writing to be groom of the stole to some 
 - prince of the blood of France) writes a beastly 
 
 treatise only to examine what is the fittest 
 thing to wipe withal; alleging that whitepaper 
 is too smooth, brown paper too rough, woollen 
 cloth too stiff\ linen cloth too hollow, satin too 
 slippery, taffeta too thin, velvet too thick, or 
 
 unmoyend ? perhaps too costly; but he concludes, that a 
 
 ^ noose neck , to be drazen between the legs against 
 
 neurial, le~ ® . 7 . 777 
 
 plus excellent, fh e feathers, is the most delicate and cleanly 
 
 le plus expedi- J 7 
 
 futveu ^ amais thing that may be . Now it is possible that I 
 may be reckoned after these seven, as sapientum 
 octavus, because I will write of a Jakes; yet 
 1 will challenge of right (if the herald should 
 appoint us our places) to go before this filthy 
 fellozv; for as, according to Aristotle, a rider 
 is an architectonical science to a saddler, and a 
 saddler to a stirrup-maker, fyc. so my discourse 
 must needs be architectonical to his, since I 
 treat of the house itself, and he but of part 
 of that is to be done in the house, and that no 
 
 This may be essential part of the business: “for they say 
 
 nntiHn/1 in 
 
 omitted in 
 reading. 
 
 there be three things that if one neglect to do 
 
 them they will do themselves; one is for a man 
 
 to make even his reckonings; for whoso neglects 
 
tift 
 
 11DU 
 flitt 
 
 hittfl 
 
 k,d 
 
 , Mill 1 , 
 
 tU,i 
 'll, Ik : 
 
 W 
 
 nitlu 
 
 M 
 
 sapiens 
 
 Jik. 
 
 4k 
 
 iffej# 
 
 (fcifli 
 
 kA 
 
 ydiw 
 
 ? #n 
 
 milk' 
 
 irtkl 1 
 ghetto 1 
 fort0 
 
 XV 
 
 it will be left even just nothing: another is to 
 marry his daughters; for if the parents bestow 
 them not, they will bestow themselves: the third 
 is that which the foresaid Frenchman writes 
 of; which they that omit, their laundresses shall 
 find it done in their linen. Which mishap a 
 fair lady once having, a serving man of the 
 disposition of Midas Barber, that could not 
 keep counsel, had spied it, and wrote in the 
 grossest terms it could be expressed upon a wall 
 what he had seen; but a certain, pleasant, 
 conceited gentleman corrected the barbarism , 
 adding rhyme to the reason in this sort; 
 
 My lady hath polluted her lineal vesture, 
 
 With the superfluity of her corporal disgesture.” 
 
 But soft, Ifear I give you too great a taste 
 of my slovenly eloquence in this sluttish argu¬ 
 ment. Wherefore to conclude, I dare under¬ 
 take, that though my discourse will not be so 
 ztise as the first of those seven 1 spake of, that 
 praises folly; yet it shall be civiler than the 
 second, truer than the third, honester than the 
 fourth, chaster than the fifth, modest er than 
 the sixth, and cleanlier than the seventh. And 
 that you and other my good friends may take 
 the less offence at it, I will clothe it (like an 
 
XVI 
 
 ape in purple) that it may he admitted into 
 the better company; and if all the art I have 
 cannot make it mannerly enough, the worst 
 punishment it can have, is but to employ it in 
 the house it shall treat off; only craving but 
 that favour, that a nobleman was wont to 
 request of your good father-in-law, to tear 
 out my name before it be so employed; and to 
 him that would deny me that kindness, I would 
 the paper were nettles, and the letters needles 
 for his better ease; or that it were like to the 
 friars book, dedicated as I take it to Pius 
 Quintus; of which one writes merrily, that his 
 holiness finding it was good for nothing else, 
 employed it (instead of the goose neck) to a 
 homely occupation; and forsooth the phrase 
 was so rude, the style so rugged, and the Latin 
 so barbarous, that therewith as he writes 
 scortigavit sedem apostolicam; He 
 galled the seat apostolic: and so 
 1 commend me to you, till 
 I send you the whole discourse . 
 
 Your loving cousin 
 
 and true friend, 
 
 /itfraKpos. 
 
aimitltfa 
 the art Ii 
 vgh,tk i 
 o employ i; 
 ly cran'iji 
 n was m 
 in-Ian, in 
 ifhyei; a 
 indm,h 
 i letters b 
 were.kb 
 l ahe it til 
 merrily,tk 
 c or nothw 
 roose id): 
 ooth the jfc 
 l,diidthtli 
 as he wM 
 icam; ft 
 ; and so 
 i, till 
 mrse> 
 
 iendf 
 
 fllMf* 
 
 
 THE PROLOGUE 
 
 TO THE READER OF THE 
 
 METAMORPHOSIS OF A JAX. 
 
 Great Captain ajax, as is well known to 
 the learned, and shall here be published for the 
 unlearned, was a warrior of Greece, strong, 
 heady, rash, boisterous, and a terrible fighting 
 fellow; but neither wise, learned, staid, nor 
 politic. Wherefore falling to debate with 
 Ulysses, and receiving so foul a disgrace of Ovid Metam. 
 him, to be called fool afore company, and being 
 bound to the peace, that he might not fight 
 with so great a counsellor, he could endure it 
 no longer, but became a perfect malcontent; 
 viz. his hat without a band, his hose without 
 garters, his waist without a girdle, his boots 
 
 B 
 
2 
 
 THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 without spurs, his purse without coin, his head 
 without wit, and thus swearing he would kill 
 and slay. First he killed all the horned beasts 
 he met, which made Agamemnon and Mene- 
 laus now more afraid than Ulysses; whereupon 
 he was banished the towns presently, and then 
 he went to the woods and pastures, and imagin¬ 
 ing all the fat sheep he met, to be of kin to 
 the coward Ulysses, because they ran away 
 from him, he massacred a whole flock of sheep, 
 not ewes. Last of all, having no body else to 
 kill, poor man killed himself: what became of 
 his body is unknown; some say that wolves 
 and bears did eat it, and that makes them yet 
 such enemies to sheep and cattle. But his 
 
 Liber supra blood, as testifleth P. Ovidius the excellent his- 
 
 dict0 - . 
 
 toriographer, was turned into a hyacinth, which 
 is a very notable kind of grass or flower. 
 
 Now there are many miracles to be marked 
 in this Metamorphosis, to confirm the credit of 
 the same: for in the grass itself remains such 
 pride of this noble blood, that as the graziers 
 have assured me of their credits (and some of 
 them may be trusted for one hundred thousand 
 pounds), the ruther beasts that eat too greedily 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 3 
 
 hereof will swell till they burst. The poor Salt recovers 
 
 baned sheep. 
 
 sheep still, for an old grudge, would eat him 
 without salt (as they say); but if they do, they 
 will soon after rot with it. 
 
 Further, I read that now of late years a Rabelais. Liv. 
 
 i. chap. 13. 
 
 French gentleman, son to one Monsieur Gar- Gome Gar ? a - 
 
 0 ' sier cognoit 
 
 gasier, and a young gentleman of an excellent 
 spirit and towardness, as the reverent Rabbles v^Smd’ln' 
 (quern honoris causa nomino; that is, whom I 
 should not name without save-reverence) writes 
 in his first book, xiii. chap. But the story you Lib. Fictitius. 
 shall find more at large in the xiv. book of his 
 tenth decad. This young gentleman having 
 taken some three or four score pills to purge 
 melancholy, every one as big as a pome cittern, 
 commanded his man to mow an half acre of 
 grass, to use at the privy: and notwithstanding 
 that the owners (to save their hay perhaps) 
 sware to him it w r as of that ancient house of 
 ajax, and therefore reserved of purpose 
 only for horses of the race of Bucephalus, or 
 Rabycano, yet he would not be persuaded: 
 but in further contempt of his name, used a 
 phrase that he had learned at his being in the 
 low countries, and bad Skite upon Ajax. But 
 
4 
 
 THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 suddenly (whether it were the curse of the peo¬ 
 ple, or the nature of the grass, I know not) he 
 was stricken in his posteriors with St. Anthony’s 
 fire; and despairing of other help, he went on 
 pilgrimage in hope of remedy hereof to Japana 
 near China: where he met a French surgeon, 
 in the university of Miaco, that cured him 
 both of that and the verol, that he had before 
 in his priorums, with the momio of a Grecian 
 wench, that Ulysses buried in his travel upon 
 the coast of the further Ethiopia: and so he 
 came back again by Restinga des ladrones , 
 through St. Bazaro; and crossing both the 
 tropics, Cancer and Capricorn , he came by 
 Magellans , swearing he found no straights there, 
 but came from thence straight home. And so 
 in twenty-four hour’s sail, and two or three odd 
 years beside, he accomplished his voyage; not 
 forgetting to take fresh wine and water at Capon 
 de Bona Speranza. Yet ere he could recover 
 his health fully, he was fain to make divers 
 vows (for now he was grown very religious with 
 his long travel); among which, one was, that in 
 remembrance of China, of all meats, he would 
 honour the chine of beef most; another was, 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 5 
 
 fthep 
 wnoi)k 
 Author 
 leweita 
 to Jipa 
 ‘hsursea 
 cured k 
 had beb 
 aGreoE 
 travel y 
 : andsok 
 
 »Ink 
 ig boil 
 le camel 
 aigktsfe 
 le. Hi 
 or three ^ 
 wage;*! 
 teratCup 
 juldrecw 
 nakefc 
 ligiouswl 
 was, to 1 
 ts, hevofit 
 jother $ 
 
 that of all offices of the house, he should do 
 honour to that house of office, where he had 
 committed that scorn to ajax; and that there 
 he should never use any more such fine grass, 
 but rather tear a leaf out of Holingshed’s 
 Chronicles, or some of the books that lie in the 
 hall, than to commit such a sin against ajax. 
 Wherefore, immediately on his coming home, 
 he built a sumptuous privy, and in the most 
 conspicuous place thereof, namely, just over 
 the door, he erected a statue of ajax, with so 
 grim a countenance, that the aspect of it being 
 full of terror, was half as good as a suppositor: 
 and further, to honour him, he changed the 
 name of the house, and called it after the name 
 of this noble captain of the greasy ones (the 
 Grecians I should say), ajax: though since, 
 by ill pronunciation, and by a figure called 
 Cacophonia, the accent is changed, and it is 
 called a Jakes. 
 
 Further, when the funeral oration was ended, 
 to do him all other compliments that apper¬ 
 tained to his honour, they searched for his 
 pedigree, and an excellent antiquary and a 
 herald, by great fortune, found it out in an old 
 
 Ilic desnnt 
 non pauca de 
 sermone ath. 
 clerum. 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 Thus far Ovid. 
 
 Thus much. 
 Lib. 6. S. Au. 
 de civitate 
 Dei. 
 
 Stercutius, the 
 god of dung. 
 
 6 
 
 church book, in the Austin Friars at Genoa. 
 And it was proclaimed on this fashion: 
 
 ajax, son of Telamon. 
 
 Son of JEacus. 
 
 Son of Juppiter. 
 
 Juppiter, alias dictus Picus. 
 
 Son of old Saturn, 
 
 Alias dictus Stercutius. 
 
 Which when it was made known unto the 
 whole fraternity of the brethren, there was 
 nothing but rejoicing and singing, unto their 
 god Sarcotheos , a devout Shaame, in honour of 
 this Stercutius, the great great grandfather of 
 ajax. Which sonnet hath a marvellous grace 
 in their country, by means they do greatly affect 
 these same similiter desinentia , every friar sing¬ 
 ing a verse, and a brother answering him in the 
 tune following; amounting just to four and 
 twenty, which is the mystical number of their 
 order. 
 
 But, by the way, if any severe Cato's take 
 exceptions, and any chaste Lucretia’s take 
 offence at the matter or music here following, 
 let them pardon me, that sought but to keep 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 7 
 
 decorum , in speaking of a slovenly matter, and 
 of slovenly men somewhat slovenly. 
 
 Vos vero viri eruditi si qua hie scurriliter 
 nimis dicta videbuntur, ignoscite, aquissimum 
 enim est, ut quam voluptatem scelerati male 
 faciendo capiaut, eandem (quod fieri potest) 
 male audiendo amittant. Videtis autem cujus - 
 modi farina homines taxare instituimus: non 
 pios 9 dodos, sanctos, continentesy sed luxuriosos. 
 
 nhonvi 
 
 ndiafc 
 
 n untoa 
 there w 
 
 hereticoSy barbarosy impios. Quibus ego me 
 per omnem vitam acerrimum hostem , ut et verurn 
 fxKjciKfjLov semper profitebor. Nostris prover- 
 bium, Cretisandum cum Cretensibus , et certe hoc 
 
 di&num est patella operculum. Nam similes suchiip*, mch 
 
 ® 7 7 lettUCe * 
 
 habere debent labra lactucas. 
 
 itiii & 
 ! follow 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 
 
 Hj j 
 
 iiH \ 
 
 
 1:1 
 
 .. 
 
 f li 
 
 
 
 M 
 
 : 
 
 
 ca - nai 
 
 -y - 
 
 ut 
 
 ver-na-cu-la, ( 
 
 -h-qq 
 
 ;u - la, lin-gua ca-nant 
 
 A — i-q 
 
 F ^ 
 
 F-. 1 
 
 
 •—♦ -o — t± J 
 
 
 ver-na- cu - la, cu -1 
 
 i 
 
 ■ M-* 
 
 tu qui dans, O tu qui dans, o-ra-cu- 
 
 Hi-iiH f t T J ,T X T 
 
 la, o-ra-cu-la scin-dis cotem no-va-cu-la, cu- 
 
 
 la, da nos-tra ut ta-ber-na-cu-la, cu-la, ut ta- 
 
 *=» 
 
 
 berna-ca-Ia, lin-gua ca-nant ver-na -cu-la, 
 
 cu-la, cu-la, lin-gua ca-nant verna.cu-la. 
 
 a 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 1. 0 tu qui dans oracula . 
 
 2. Scindis cotern novacula . 
 
 3. Da nostra ut tabernacula . 
 
 4. Lingua canant vernacula. 
 
 5. Opima post jentacula. 
 
 6. Hujusmodi miracula . 
 
 7. aSiV semper plenum poculum. 
 
 8. Habentes plenum loculum . 
 
 9* Tu serva nos ut specula . 
 
 10. Per longa et lata sacula. 
 
 11. Ut clerus et plebecula . 
 
 12. Nee wocfe wee diecula. 
 
 13. Ciirent de ulla recula. 
 
 14. Sed intuentes specula . 
 
 15. Dura vitemus spicula . 
 
 16. Jacentes cum amicula. 
 
 17« garrit ut cornicula . 
 18. *Sew tristis sen ridicula. 
 
 19* Turn porrigamus oscula . 
 
 20. IW colligamus jloscula . 
 
 21. Orwemws ut cocnaculum. 
 
 22. Et totum habit aculum, 
 
 23. Turn culi post spiraculum- 
 
 24. Spectemus hoc spectaculum . 
 
10 the prologue. 
 
 Then, suitable to this hymn, they had a dirge 
 for ajax, with a prayer to all their chief saints 
 whose names begin with A. 
 
 Sauntus Ablabius . 
 
 Sauntus Acachius. 
 
 Sauntus Arrius. 
 
 Sauntus Aerius. Ora pro 
 
 Sauntus Aetius. f* ajax. 
 
 Sauntus Alnaricus . 
 
 Saunti Adiaphoristce. 
 
 Saunti 11000 Anabaptista. 
 
 Et tu Sauntiss. Atheos . 
 
 And so ended the black Sauntus . 
 
 Some of these denied the godhead of Christ 
 with Arrius, some the authority of bishops, as 
 Aerius, which you may see in Prateolo de vita 
 hareticorum. Almaricus denied the resurrec¬ 
 tion of the body, which is an heresy that mars 
 all, as St. Paul saith, 1 Cor. xv. 14. That then 
 our faith were vain. 
 
 By all which you may see, that it is but lack 
 of learning, that makes some fellows seek out 
 
Wl 
 
 
 Uii| 
 chief $ 
 
 Orap 
 
 AJAL 
 
 mtui- 
 
 of biiof 
 rateoUt 
 1 the ns® 
 iresy to® 
 14 , % 
 
 it it is ^ 
 Hows sci 
 
 THE PROLOGUE. 11 
 
 stale English etymologies of this renowned 
 name of A jax. One imagined it was called 
 so of blackjacks, because they look so slovenly, 
 that a mad Frenchman wrote, we did carry our 
 drink in our boots: but that is but a bald etymo- 
 logy, and I will never agree that Jack, though 
 he were never so black, should be thus slan¬ 
 dered. But if you stand so much upon your 
 English, and will not admit our Greek and our 
 Roman tongue, you shall see I will cast about, 
 to have one in English for you. 
 
 First then, you have heard the old proverb, 
 u age breeds aches;” now you must imagine, 
 that an old man, almost fourscore years old, 
 and come to the psalm of David, Labour and 
 dolour , being somewhat costive, at the house 
 groaned so pitifully, that they thought he had 
 been sick: whereupon one ran to him to hold 
 his head, and asked him what he ailed: He 
 told them he ailed nothing, but only according 
 to the proverb, he complained, that age breeds 
 aches; and minding to speak it shorter, by the 
 figure of abbreviation, or perhaps by the rule, 
 Quod potest fieri per pauciora , non debet fieri 
 per plura (I pray you pardon me for being 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 12 
 
 again in ray Latin); oh, saith he, masters make 
 much of youth, for I tell you, age akes, age 
 akes. I feel it, age akes. Upon which pathe- 
 tical speech of his, delivered in that place, the 
 younger men that bare him special reverence, 
 termed the place age akes: which agrees fully 
 in pronunciation, though it may be since, some 
 ill orthographers have miswritten it, and so now 
 it passeth current to be spoken and written 
 A jax. And because, as the saying is, loquen- 
 dum cum vulgo , we must now take him as we 
 find him, with all his faults. 
 
 But yet for reformation of as many as we 
 can, and specially of one fault he is much sub¬ 
 ject unto, you must remember that this a jax 
 was always so strong a man, that his strength 
 being an inseparable accident to him, doth now 
 only remain in his breath, and that in diverse 
 extremities, and contrary fashions. Sometime, 
 with the heat of his breath, he will be ready to 
 overcome a strong man; another time, he will 
 take a weak man at the vantage, and strike him 
 behind with such a cold, that he shall be the 
 worse for it a month after. Now many have 
 wrestled with him, to seek to stop his breath, 
 
THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 13 
 
 and never maim him, but he makes them glad 
 to stop their noses; and that indeed is some 
 remedy, for such whose throats have a better 
 swallow, than their heads have capacity. As 
 some men that are forced at sea to drink stinking 
 puddle water, do wink and close their nostrils, 
 that they may not offend three senses at once. 
 
 Now again, some arm themselves against 
 A jax with perfumes, but that methinks dou¬ 
 bles the grief, to imagine what a good smell 
 this were, if the other were away: as he that 
 should have had ten thousand pounds with an 
 ugly Mopsa, said, not without a great sigh, 
 Oh, what a match were this were the woman 
 away! But the device that shall be hereafter 
 discovered, will so confound this gentleman 
 with the strong breath, that save we carry about 
 us some traitors, that are ready to take his part, 
 he should never be able so much as to blow 
 upon you. Yet I would have the favourable 
 readers (of what sort soever) thus far satisfied, 
 that I took not this quarrel upon me voluntarily, 
 but rather in mine own defence : and standing 
 upon the punctilio of honour, having been 
 challenged, as you may partly see in the letter 
 
14 THE PROLOGUE. 
 
 precedent, by one, as it seems, of the Captain’s 
 own countrymen: for his name is Philostilpnos , 
 which I thought at first was a word to conjure 
 a spirit, till at last, a fellow of mine of Cam¬ 
 bridge, told me the Philo was Greek, and that 
 he would say in English, that he loveth clean¬ 
 liness. Now I being bound by the duello, 
 having accepted the challenge, to seek no 
 advantage, but even to deal with him at his own 
 weapon, entered the lists with him, and fighting 
 after the old English manner without the stocka- 
 dos (for to foin or strike below the girdle, we 
 counted it base and too cowardly), after half a 
 score downright blows, we grew to be friends, 
 and I was content to subscribe, Yours, &c. 
 And to the end I may answer him in the same 
 language, I am called Misacmos , which is 
 cousin and ally to his name, and it signifieth a 
 hater of filthiness; and to all such as are of 
 kin to either of our names or conditions, we 
 commend this discourse ensuing. 
 
 Ad Zoilum et Momum . 
 
 Cease, masters, any more 
 
 To grudge, chafe, pine, and fret; 
 
 Lo stuff for you good store, 
 
 To gnaw, chew, bite, and eat. 
 
SHORT ADVERTISEMENT 
 
 OF THE 
 
 A UTHOR TO THE READER . 
 
 The discourse ensuing is divided into three 
 parts or sections (as it were breathing places), 
 lest it may seem confused, or too tedious to 
 be read all at once. 
 
 1. The first justifies the use of the homeliest 
 
 words. 
 
 2. The second proves the matter not to be 
 
 contemptible. 
 
 3. The third shows the form, and how it may be 
 
 reformed. 
 
 1. The first begins gravely, and ends lightly. 
 
 2. The second begins pleasantly, and ends 
 
 soberly. 
 
 3. The third is mixed, both seriously and 
 
 merrily. 
 
16 
 
 advertisement. 
 
 1. I would pray you to weigh the grave autho¬ 
 
 rities reverently; for they are true and 
 authentical. 
 
 2. I would wish you to regard the pleasant 
 
 histones respectively; for they be honest 
 and commendable. 
 
 3. I would advise you to use the merry matters 
 
 modestly; for so they may be faultless and 
 harmless. 
 
 1. If you mean not to read it, then dispraise it 
 
 not; for that would be counted folly. 
 
 2. Till you have fully read it, censure it not; for 
 
 that may be deemed rashness. 
 
 3. When you have read it, say both of us have 
 
 lost more time than this in our days; and 
 that perhaps would be judged the right. 
 
 
 

 THE 
 
 METAMORPHOSIS OF AJAX. 
 
 There was a very tall and serviceable gentle¬ 
 man, sometime lieutenant of the ordnance, 
 called M. Jaques Wingfield; who coming one 
 day, either of business or of kindness, to visit 
 a great lady in the court, the lady bade her 
 gentlewoman ask, which of the Wingfields it 
 was; he told her Jaques Wingfield: the modest 
 gentlewoman, that was not so well seen in the 
 French, to know that Jaques was but James in 
 English, was so bashful, that to mend the 
 matter (as she thought), she brought her lady 
 word, not without blushing, that it was M. 
 Privy Wingfield; at which, I suppose the lady 
 then, I am sure the gentleman after, as long as 
 he lived, was wont to make great sport. 
 
 I fear the homely title prefixed to this treatise 
 
]g the metamorphosis 
 
 (how warlike a sound soever it hath) may breed 
 a worse offence, in some of the finer sort of 
 readers, who may upon much more just occasion 
 condemn it, as a noisome and unsavory dis¬ 
 course: because without any error of equivo¬ 
 cation, I mean indeed to write of the same 
 that the word signifies. But if it might please 
 them a little better to consider, how the place 
 we treat of (how homely soever) is visited by 
 themselves once at least in four and twenty 
 hours, if their digestion be good, and their con¬ 
 stitution sound; then I hope they will do me 
 their favour, and themselves that right, not to 
 reject a matter teaching their own ease and 
 cleanliness, for the homeliness of the name; 
 and consequently, they will excuse all broad 
 phrases of speech, incident to such a matter, 
 with the old English proverb that ends thus, 
 For lords and ladies do the same, I know that 
 the wiser sort of men will consider, and I wish 
 that the ignorant sort would learn, how it is 
 not the baseness or homeliness, either of words 
 or matters, that make them foul and obscene; 
 but their base minds, filthy conceits, or lewd 
 intents that handle them. He that would scorn 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 
 IS 
 
 h)mrt 
 e finer a 
 
 iJUStOCQj 
 
 unsavory 
 
 itmightpk 
 how the|i 
 :r)m; 
 ur andte 
 1, aniline 
 hey wili 
 at right, os 
 own east! 
 sof the k 
 xcuse al k 
 suck a i 
 that ends* 
 it , I boil 
 
 5ider,anll f 
 
 learn, ho* ! 
 either of 
 ulandol^ 
 
 )nceits,or^ 
 
 hatwould^ 
 
 19 
 
 a physician, because for our infirmities sake, 
 lie refuseth not sometime the noisome view of 
 our loathsomest excrements, were worthy to 
 have no help by physic, and should break his 
 divine precept that saith, honour the physician: 
 for necessities sake God hath ordained him. 
 And he that would honour the makers of apos - 
 ticchios , or rebatoes , because creatures much 
 honoured use to wear them, might be thought 
 perhaps full of courtesy, but void of wit. 
 
 Surely, if we would enter into a sober and 
 sad consideration of our estates, even of the 
 happiest sort of us, as men of the world esteem 
 us, whether we be noble, or rich, or learned, 
 or beautiful, or healthy, or all these (which 
 seldom happeneth) joined together, we shall 
 observe, that the joys we enjoy in this world 
 consist rather in indolentia (as they call it), 
 which is an avoiding of grievances and incon¬ 
 veniences, than in possessing any passing great 
 pleasures; so durable are the harms that our 
 first parents fall hath laid on us, and so poor 
 the helps that we have in ourselves: finally, so 
 short and momentary the contentments that 
 we fish for, in this ocean of miseries, which 
 
£0 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 either we miss (fishing before the net, as the 
 proverb is), or if we catch them, they prove but 
 like eels, sleight and slippery. The chiefest of 
 all our sensual pleasures, I mean that which 
 some call the sweet sin of lechery, though 
 God knows it hath much sour sauce to it, for 
 which notwithstanding many hazard both their 
 fame, their fortune, their friends, yea their souls, 
 which makes them so oft break the first com¬ 
 mandment, that when they hear it read at 
 Church, they leave the words of the Communion 
 book, and say, Lord have mercy upon us , it 
 grieves our hearts to keep this law. And when 
 the commination is read on Ash-Wednesday, 
 wherein is read, Cursed be he that lieth with his 
 neighbour’s wife> and let all the people say, 
 
 Some say Amen: these people either say nothing, or as a 
 
 so done,were neighbour of mine said, he hem: I say this 
 
 very well said. . . . . 
 
 surpassing pleasure, that is so much m request, 
 and counted such a principal solace, I have heard 
 confessed before a most honourable person, by 
 a man of middle age, strong constitution, and 
 well practised in this occupation, to have bred 
 no more delectation to him (after the first heat 
 of his youth was past) then to go to a good 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 21 
 
 easy close-stool, when he hath had a lust 
 thereto (for that was his very phrase). Which 
 being confessed by him, and confirmed by 
 many, makes me take this advantage thereof in 
 the beginning of this discourse, to prefer this Ajak’s house 
 
 preferred be- 
 
 house I mind to speak of, before those which fore a bawdy 
 
 house. 
 
 they so much frequent: neither let any disdain 
 the comparison. For I remember, how not 
 long since, a grave and godly lady, and grand- The Lady Ro- 
 
 ii i *i i t i • . gets; called,in 
 
 mother to all my wife s children, did m their her young 
 
 days, the fair 
 
 hearings, and for their better instruction, tell n v i of Canr 
 them a story, which though I will not swear it 
 was true, yet I did wish the auditory would 
 believe it, namely, how an Hermit being carried 
 in an evening, by the conduct of an Angel, 
 through a great city, to contemplate the great 
 wickedness daily and hourly wrought therein, 
 met in the street a gong-farmer with his cart 
 full laden, no man envying his full measure. 
 
 The poor Hermit, as other men did, stopped his 
 nostrils, and betook him to the other side of 
 the street, hastening from the sour carriage all 
 he could; but the Angel kept on his way, 
 seeming no whit offended with the savour. At 
 which, while the Hermit marvelled, there came 
 
22 THE metamorphosis 
 
 not long after by them, a woman gorgeously 
 attired, well perfumed, well attended with 
 coaches and torches, to convey her perhaps to 
 some noblemans chamber. The good Hermit 
 somewhat revived with the fair sight and sweet 
 savour, began to stand at the gaze. On the 
 other side, the good Angel now stopped his 
 nose, and both hastened himself away, and 
 beckoned his companion from the place: at 
 which the Hermit more marvelling than before, 
 he was told by the Angel, that this fine courte¬ 
 zan laden with sin, was a more stinking savour 
 afore God and his holy angels, than that beastly 
 cart, laden with excrements. I will not spend 
 time to allegorize this story, only I will wish all 
 the readers may find as sure a way to cleanse 
 and keep sweet the noblest part of themselves, 
 that is, their souls, as I shall show them a plain 
 and easy way to keep sweet the basest part of 
 their houses, that is, their sinks. But to the 
 intent I may bind myself to some certain 
 method, I will first awhile continue as I have 
 partly begun, to defend by most authentical 
 authorities and examples, the use of these 
 homely words in so necessary matters. Se- 
 
IS 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 23 
 
 m gorge* 
 attended i 
 aerpeikji 
 
 gaze. Oil 
 w stopped 
 ielf away, ; 
 i the pk: 
 mg thank 
 this fine n 
 ; stinking s' 
 than thatb 
 Iwillnotf 
 lylwiH 
 i way to da 
 tof them* 
 owthemap 
 le basest f 
 is, But to 
 o some ctf 
 itinueasli 
 aost aufe 
 s use of ^ 
 jr matter!'' 
 
 condly, concerning the matter itself, I will 
 show how great an extraordinary care hath 
 been had in all ages, for the good ordering of 
 the same. Lastly, for the form, I will set 
 down the cheapest, perfectest, and most infal¬ 
 lible, for avoiding all the inconveniences the 
 matter is subject to, that hitherto (if I and 
 many more be not much deceived) was ever 
 found out. 
 
 When I was a truantly scholar in the noble 
 university of Cambridge, though I hope I had 
 as good a conscience as other of my pew- 
 fellows, to take but a little learning for my 
 money, yet I can remember, how a very learned 
 and reverend divine held this question in the 
 schools, Scripture stilus non est barbarus; 
 The style or phrase of the Scripture is not 
 barbarous. Against whom one replied with this 
 argument: 
 
 That which is obscene, may be called barbarous. 
 
 But the Scripture is in many places obscenous: 
 
 Therefore the Scripture may be called barbarous. 
 
 To which syllogism was truly answered (as I 
 now remember, denying the minor), that though 
 such phrases to us seem obscene, and are so 
 
24 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Isaiae, lxiv. 6. 
 
 Regura. Lib. i. 
 cap. 6. v. 4. 
 
 when they are used to ribaldry, or lascivious¬ 
 ness; yet in the Scripture they are not only 
 void of incivility, but full of sanctity: that the 
 prophets do in no place more effectually, more 
 earnestly, nor more properly beat down our 
 pride and vanity, and open to our eyes the fil¬ 
 thiness and horror of our sins, than by such 
 kind of phrases; of which they recited that, 
 where it is said, that the sins of the people 
 were, quasi pannus menstruate universe justi¬ 
 fied nostre , that a common or strange woman 
 (for so the Scripture covertly termeth a harlot), 
 hath her quiver open for every arrow; that an 
 old lecherous man, is like a horse that neigheth 
 after every mare, &c.: to which I could add 
 many more, if I affected copiousness in this 
 kind; some in broad speeches, some in covert 
 terms, expressing mens shame, mens sins, mens 
 necessities. Quinque aureos , anos facietis 
 pro quinque satrapis: which our English of 
 Geneva translates very modestly. Ye shall 
 make five golden emeralds for five noblemen 
 or princes. Which word I am sure, many of 
 the simple hearers and readers, take for a pre¬ 
 cious stone of the Indians, set in gold; and so 
 
s 
 
 tflascim 
 are doU 
 
 ictually,®} 
 at do\m j 
 irejesfc 
 than by x 
 i T recited 4 
 )f the p| 
 mm ji 
 
 nethakii 
 rrow; k 
 ^ that neigk 
 b I coullt 
 >usness ifli 
 ome in w 
 enssins,®! 
 
 amj& 
 ur Engk 
 !y, Ye* 
 ive noble* 
 sure, man: 
 ike for a f 
 gold; and' 
 
 OF AJAX. £5 
 
 they shall still take it for me; for that ignorance 
 may perhaps do them less hurt in this matter, 
 then further knowledge; but yet what a special 
 Scripture that is to God's glory and their 
 shame, appears by David's prophecy in the 
 77th Psalm; where he saith, Percussit inimicos 
 suos in posteriora, opprobrium sempiternum 
 dedit illis; He smote his enemies in the hinder 
 parts, and put them to a perpetual shame. In 
 remembrance whereof, in some solemn litur¬ 
 gies until this day, the same chapter of Aureos 
 anos is read. 
 
 What should I speak of the great league 
 between God and man, made in circumcision? 
 impressing a painful stigma or character in 
 God s peculiar people; though now most hap¬ 
 pily taken away in the holy Sacrament of 
 baptism. What the word signified, I have 
 known reverent and learned men have been 
 ignorant: and we call it, very well, circumcision 
 and uncircumcision ; though the Rhemists (of 
 purpose belike to vary from Geneva) will needs 
 bring in prepuse: which word was after 
 admitted into the theatre with great applause, 
 by the mouth of master Tarlton the excellent 
 
 _ 
 
 — 
 
oQ the metamorphosis 
 
 comedian; when many of the beholders, that 
 were never circumcised, had as great cause as 
 Tarlton to complain of their prepuse. But 
 to come soberly, and more nearly to our present 
 purpose; in the Old Testament, the phrase is 
 much used of covering the feet; and in the 
 New Testament, he that healeth and helpeth 
 all our infirmities, useth the word draught; 
 that that goeth into the man, is digested in the 
 stomach, and cast out into the draught. Lastly, 
 the blessed apostle St. Paul, being rapt in 
 contemplation of divine blissfulness, compares 
 all the chief felicities of the earth, esteeming 
 them (to use his own word) as stercora , most 
 filthy dung, in regard of the joys he hoped for. 
 In imitation of which zealous vehemency, some 
 other writers have affected to use such phrase 
 of speech, but with as ill success as the ass 
 that leaped on his master at his coming home, 
 because he saw a little spaniel, that had so 
 done, much made of: for indeed, these be 
 counted but foul-mouthed beasts for their 
 labours. 
 
 But to conclude these holy authorities, 
 worthy to be alledged in most reverent and 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 £7 
 
 serious manner, and yet here also I hope with¬ 
 out offence: let us come now to the ridiculous 
 rather than religious customs of the pagans, 
 and see, if this contemptible matter I treat of, 
 were despised among them; nay, rather observe, 
 if it were not respected with a reverence, with 
 an honour, with a religion, with a duty, yea 
 with a deity, and no marvel: for they that had 
 gods and goddesses, for all the necessaries of 
 our life, from our cradles to our graves; viz . 
 1. for sucking, 2. for swathing, 3. for eating, 
 4. for drinking, 5. for sleeping, 6. for hus¬ 
 bandry, 7- for venery, 8. for fighting, 9* for 
 physic, 10. for marriage, 11. for childbed, 
 12. for fire, 13. for water, 14. for the thresholds, 
 15. for the chimneys: the names of which I 
 do set down by themselves, to satisfy those 
 that are curious ; 1. Lacturtia , 2. Cunina, 
 
 3. Edulcia, 4. Potina, 5. Morpheus , 6. Pan, 
 7. Priapus, 8. Pellona, 9- Aesculapius, 10. 
 Hymen, 11. Lucina and Vagitanus, 12. 
 JEther, 13. Salacia , 14. Lares, 15. Penates . 
 I say, you must not think they would commit 
 such an oversight, to omit such a necessary, as 
 almost in all languages hath the name of 
 
28 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 necessity, or ease: wherefore they had both a 
 god and a goddess, that had the charge of the 
 whole business: the god was called StercutiuSj 
 as they write, because he found so good an 
 employment for all manner of dung, as to lay 
 it upon the land: or perhaps it was he that first 
 found the excellent mystery of the kind setting 
 of a parsnip (which I will not here discover, 
 because I heard of a truth, that a great lady 
 that loved parsnips very well, after she had 
 heard how they grew, could never abide them); 
 and I would be loath to cause any to fall out 
 of love with so good a dish. Nevertheless 
 (except they will have better bread than is made 
 of wheat), they must (how fine soever they be) 
 give M. Stercutius leave to make the land able 
 to bear wheat. But the goddess was much 
 more especially, and properly assigned for this 
 business, whose name was Dea Cloacina; her 
 statue was erected by Titus* Tat ius y he that 
 reigned with Romulus , in a goodly large house 
 of office (a fit shrine for such a saint), which 
 Lodovicus Vives cites out of Lactantius . 
 
 But he that will more particularly inform 
 himself of the original of all these petty gods 
 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 had k and goddesses, as also of the greater, which 
 
 harge olj they distinguish by the name of Dij consent es, 
 
 ISfercfo which are, according to old Ennius' verse, 
 
 so gooi- divided into two ranks of lords and ladies. 
 
 Mg, as to. Juno, Vesta, Minerva, Ceresque, Diana, Venus. These gods 
 
 skbi Mars, Mercurius, Neptunus, Jovis, Vulcanus, Apollo. ™ < ^ ci 
 
 e U® Of all which, St. Augustine writes most divinely chapt S. 
 
 KaaIt A 
 
 These gods 
 were of the 
 privy council 
 
 book 4 . 
 
 lerefa to overthrow their divinity; and therefore I 
 
 agrcalli refer the learned and studious reader to his 
 
 after sk fourth and sixth books de Civitate Dei; where 
 
 r abide tk the original and vanity of all these gods and 
 
 my to Mi goddesses is more largely discoursed: with a 
 
 y ever j ; pretty quip to Seneca the great philosopher; 
 
 d thank who k e * n S m h ear * half a Christian, as was st. Angus 
 
 a. thought, yet, because he was a senator of chap. 10. 
 
 Rome, was fain (as St. Augustine saith) to 
 follow that he found fault with, to do that he 
 disliked, to adore that he detested. But come 
 we to my stately dame Cloacina, and her lord 
 Stercutius; though these were not of the higher 
 house called Consentes 9 yet I hope for their anti¬ 
 quity, they may make great comparison; for he 
 is said to have been old Saturn , father to Picus 
 that was called Juppiter; and Cloacina was long 
 before Priapus , and so long before Felicity , 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 30 
 
 that St. Augustine writes merrily, that he thinks 
 verily, Felicity forsook the Romans for disdain 
 that Cloacina and Priapus were deified so 
 long before her; adding, Imperium Romanorum 
 propterea grandius, quam felicius fuit. The 
 Roman empire therefore was rather great than 
 happy. But howsoever lady Felicity disdains 
 her, no question but madam Cloacina was 
 always a very good fellow: for it is a token of 
 special kindness to this day, among the best 
 men in France, to reduce a syllogism in Bo - 
 cardo together: insomuch, as I have heard it 
 seriously told, that a great magnifico of Venice, 
 being ambassador in France, and hearing a 
 noble person was come to speak with him, made 
 him stay till he had untied his points; and 
 when he was new set on his stool, sent for the 
 nobleman to come to him at that time, as a 
 very special favour. And for other good fel¬ 
 lowships, I doubt not but from the beginning it 
 hath often happened, that some of the nymphs 
 of this gentle goddess have met so luckily 
 with some of her devout chaplains, in her 
 chapels of ease, and paid their privy tithes so 
 duly, and done their service together with such 
 
s 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 tatlel 
 as for ta 
 re tt 
 'lion® 
 iisjii 1 
 lerpjil 
 ’/icifffe 
 Ckiwi 
 
 itisatoe 
 
 mongthei 
 
 llogismin: 
 
 I have k 
 lificoofla 
 and tarn 
 :vvith kiffl.5 
 is point; 
 ;ool, seotte 
 that time,* 
 other 
 the begins 
 iof thenj? 
 met so I* 
 iaplains,» 
 
 r privy titte 
 yetherwith» 
 
 31 
 
 devotion, that for reward she hath preferred 
 them within forty weeks after to Juno Lucina , 
 and so to Vagitana> Lacturtia , and Cunina; 
 for even to this day such places continue very 
 fortunate. And, whereas I named devotion, I 
 would not have you think, how homely soever 
 the place is, that all devotion is excluded from 
 it; for I happening to demand of a dear friend 
 of mine, concerning a great companion of his, 
 whether he were religious or no, and namely, 
 if he used to pray: he told me, that to his 
 remembrance he never heard him ask any thing 
 of God, nor thank God for any thing, except 
 it were at a Jakes, he heard him say, he thanked 
 God, he had had a good stool. Thus you see 
 a good stool might move as great devotion in 
 some men, as a bad sermon; and sure it suits 
 very well, that Quorum Deus est venter , eorum 
 templum sit cloaca . He that makes his belly 
 his god, I would have him make a Jakes his 
 chapel : but he that would indeed call to 
 mind how ArriuSy that notable and famous, or 
 rather infamous heretic, came to his miserable 
 end upon a Jakes, might take just occasion 
 even at that homely business to have godly 
 
32 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 thoughts, rather than as some have, wanton, or 
 most have, idle. To which purpose, I remem¬ 
 ber in my rhyming days, I wrote a short elegy 
 upon a homely emblem; which, both verse and 
 emblem, they have set up in Cloacina’s chapel, 
 at my house, very solemnly. And I am the 
 willinger to impart it to my friends, because I 
 protest to you truly, a sober gentleman protested 
 to me seriously, that the conceit of the picture 
 and the verse was an occasion to put honest 
 and good thoughts into his mind. And Plu¬ 
 tarch defends with many reasons, in his book 
 called Symposeons , that where the matters 
 themselves often are unpleasant to behold, 
 their counterfeits are seen not without delec¬ 
 tation. 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 33 
 
 A godly father, sitting on a draught, 
 
 To do as need and nature hath us taught, 
 D 
 
34 the metamorphosis 
 
 Mumbled (as was his manner) certain prayers, 
 
 And unto him the devil straight repairs! 
 
 And boldly to revile him he begins, 
 
 Alleging that such prayers are deadly sins; 
 
 And that he show'd he was devoid of grace, 
 
 To speak to God from so unmeet a place. 
 
 The reverent man, though at the first dismay'd, 
 
 Yet strong in faith, to Satan thus he said: 
 
 Thou damned spirit, wicked, false and lying, 
 Despairing thine own good, and ours envying ; 
 
 Each take his due, and me thou canst not hurt, 
 
 To God my prayer I meant, to thee the dirt . 
 
 Pure prayer ascends to him that high doth sit, 
 Downfalls the filth, for fiends of hell rnorefit. 
 
 Wherefore, though I grant many places and 
 times are much fitter for true devotion, yet I 
 dare take it upon me, that if we would give 
 the devil no kinder entertainment in his other 
 suggestions, than this father gave him in his 
 causeless reproof (for he gave it him in his 
 teeth, take it how he would); I say we 
 should not be so easily overthrown with his 
 assaults, as daily we are, for lack of due 
 
 For want of resistance. But come we now to more parti- 
 
 tbe good take . TT , 
 
 heed. cular, and not so serious, matter. Have not 
 
 many men of right good conceit, served them¬ 
 selves with divers pretty emblems of this 
 excremental matter ,• as that in Alciat, to shew 
 
SIS 
 
 wpnijffi 
 
 airs' 
 
 lysiw; 
 
 fm 
 
 place, 
 stiimii, 
 hem ii: 
 
 »*w; 
 
 ist noik 
 '.tkiiri 
 ^Mst 
 Ml mt ft 
 
 oany place 
 devotion, ■ 
 we wonli. 
 lent in In 1, 
 rave fa; 
 ve it him u 
 
 Id); I* 
 throw** 
 ir lack oi 
 iv tomore|‘ 
 iter, ft* 
 jit, served': 
 ablems if 
 iAlciat,to* 
 
 OF AJAX. 35 
 
 that base fellows oft-times swim in the stream 
 of good fortune, as well as the worthiest ? 
 
 Nos quoque poma notamus. 
 
 Or as the old proverb, as well as emblem, that 
 doth admonish men not to contend with base 
 and ignominious persons: 
 
 Hoc scio pro certo, quod si cum stercore certo 
 Vinco ceu vincor , semper ego maculor. 
 
 I know if I contend with dirty foes, 
 
 I must be foil'd, whether I win or lose. 
 
 Which emblem had almost hindered me the 
 writing of this present discourse, save that a 
 good friend of mine told me, that this is a 
 fancy, and not a fight; and that if it should 
 grow to a fight, he assured me I had found so 
 excellent a ward against his chief dart, which 
 is his strong breath, that I were like to quit 
 my hands in the fray as well as any man. But 
 to proceed in these rare emblems: who hath 
 not read or heard of the picture made in Ger¬ 
 many, at the first rising of Luther? where to 
 shew, as it were by an emblem, with what dross 
 and draffe the Pope and his partners fed the 
 people, they caused him to be portrayed in 
 his pontificalibus riding on a great sow, and 
 holding before her taster a dirty pudding: which 
 n 2 
 
 Poma signifies 
 horse-dung, as 
 well as apples. 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 36 
 
 dirty devise, Sleidan the historian, very justly 
 and gravely, both reports and reproves; yet it 
 served a turn for the time, and made great 
 sport to the people. But when this May-game 
 was done, an hundred thousand of them came 
 home by weeping-cross; so as the poor sow 
 was not only sold by the ears, but sold by a 
 drum, or slain by the sword. Yet the Flanders 
 cow had more wit than the German sow: for 
 she was made after another sort; viz. the mir¬ 
 ror of princes feeding her, the terror of princes 
 spurring her, the Prince of Orange milking 
 her; or after some such fashion, for I may fail 
 in the particulars; but the conclusion was, that 
 
 m. D’Aien- Monsieur d’Allanson (who indeed with most 
 
 e°n. . 
 
 noble endeavour, though not with so happy 
 success, attempted them) would have pulled 
 her back by the tail, and she defiled his fingers. 
 And thus much for emblems. Now for poesy 
 (though emblems also are a kind of poesy), I 
 rather doubt that the often usage of such words 
 will make the poets be condemned, than that 
 the poets authorities will make the words be 
 allowed: but if their example can give any 
 countenance to them, they shall want none. 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 37 
 
 It is certain, that of all poems the epigram is 
 the wittiest; and of all that write epigrams, 
 
 Martial is counted the pleasantest. He, in his 
 38th epigram of his first book, hath a distichon 
 that is very pliable to my purpose: of one that 
 was so stately, that her close-stool was of gold, 
 but her drinking-cup of glass : 
 
 Ventris onus pure, nec te pudet excipis auro : Lib. i. ep. 38 
 
 Sed bibis in vitro, charius ergo cocas . 
 
 And in the same book, to a gentlewoman that 
 had a pleasure to have her dog lick her lips, as 
 many do now a days : 
 
 Os et laJbra, tibi lingit Manneia, Catellus: Lib. i. ep. 84. 
 
 Non miror, merdas si libet esse coni . 
 
 The dog still licks thy lips, but His no hurt; 
 
 I marvel not, to see a dog eat dirt . 
 
 Further, in his third book, he mocks one of his 
 fellow poets, that drove away all good company 
 with his verses; every man thought it such a 
 penance to hear them. 
 
 Nam t ant os, rogo, quis ferat labores? Lib.iii.ep.44. 
 
 Et stanti legis, et legis sedenti: 
 
 Currenti legis, et legis cacanti, 
 
 In Thermos fug io: sonas ad aurem, fyc. 
 
 Alas my head with thy long readings aches. 
 
 Standing or sitting, thou readest every whei'e . 
 
 If I would walk, if I would go V Ajax: 
 
 If to the bath, thou still art in mine ear . 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 38 
 
 Where, by the way, you may note that the 
 French courtesy I spake of before, came from 
 the Romans; since, in Martial’s time, they 
 shunned not one the others company at Mon¬ 
 sieur ajax. But now it may be, some man will 
 say, that these wanton and ribald phrases were 
 pleasing to those times of licentiousness and 
 paganism that knew not Christ; but now they 
 are abhorred and detested, and quite out of 
 request. I would to God, w ith all my heart, 
 he lied not that so said; and that indeed religion 
 could root out, as it should do, all such wanton 
 and vain toys (if they be all wanton and vain); 
 yet I am sure, that even in this age, and in this 
 realm, men of worth and wit have used the 
 words and phrases, in as homely sort as Martial; 
 some in light, some in serious matter. Among 
 Sir Thomas More’s epigrams, that fly over all 
 Europe for their wit and conceit, the very last 
 (to make a sweet conclusion) is this: 
 
 Sectile ne tctros porrum tibi spiret odores , 
 
 Protinus a porro fac mild cepe cores . 
 
 Denuo feet or em si vis depellere cepe: 
 
 Hoc facile efficient allia mansa tibi; 
 
 Spiritus at si post etiam gravis , allia restat, 
 
 Aut nihil , aut tantum , tollere merda potest . v 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 k\ 
 
 (* 
 
 d 
 
 39 
 
 Which, for their sakes that love garlic, I have 
 taken some pains with, though it went against 
 my stomach once or twice. 
 
 If leeks you leek , but do their smell di sleek. 
 
 Eat onions , and you shall not smell the leek: 
 
 If you of onioiis would the scent expel, 
 
 Eat garlic, that shall drown the onions smell: 
 
 But against garlics savour , at one wordy 
 I know but one receipt, what's that? go look. 
 
 Nay fie, will you name it, and read it to ladies: 
 thus you make them blame me that meant no 
 less. But to come again to pleasant Sir 
 Thomas; he hath another epigram, that though 
 this was but a sour one, I durst as lieve be his 
 half at this, as at that, and it is about a medicine 
 for the colic. 
 
 ilk 
 
 k 
 
 Te crepitus perdit nimium, si ventre retentes, 
 
 Te propere emissus servat item crepitus: 
 
 Si crepitus servare potest , et perdere, nunquid 
 Terrificis crepitus regibus cequa potest? 
 
 Thus ill-favouredly in English; for I will tell Nonest bona 
 
 . 1 . , ludere cum 
 
 you true, my muse was afraid to translate this sanctis. 
 
 It is good to 
 
 epigram, and she brought me out three or four piay with your 
 
 r & ^ . fellows. 
 
 sayings against it, both in Latin and English; ^ re^bul° n 
 
 and two or three shrewd examples, both 
 
 this last poet who died not of the colic, and headed * 
 
40 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Two apoph¬ 
 thegms of Sir 
 Thomas More. 
 
 of one Collingborne that was hanged for a 
 distichon of a cat, a rat, and a dog. Yet I 
 opposed Murus aheneus esto nil conscire sibi , 
 and so with much ado she came out with it. 
 
 To break a little wind , sometime one’s life doth save , 
 
 For want of vent behind , some folk their ruin have. 
 
 A power it hath therefore, of life and death express: 
 
 A king can cause no more , a crack doth do no less. 
 
 And when she had made it in this sorry fashion, 
 she hade me wish my friends, that no man 
 should follow Sir Thomas More’s humour, to 
 write such epigrams as he wrote, except he had 
 the spirit to speak two such apophthegms as 
 he spake; of which the last seems to fall fit 
 into our text. The first was, when the king 
 sent to him to know if he had changed his 
 mind; he answered, yea: the king sent straight 
 a counsellor to him to take his subscription to 
 the six articles. Oh, said he, I have not 
 changed my mind in that matter, but only in 
 this; I thought to have sent for a barber, to 
 have been shaved ere I had died; but now, if 
 it please the king, he shall cut off head, and 
 beard, and all together. But the other was 
 milder and prettier; for after this, one coming 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 41 
 
 5 
 
 angdftt 
 
 h \ 
 
 consfirfjj 
 
 )utdu 
 
 feM^ 
 
 'rvakn. 
 
 atktijrai: 
 do no to, 
 
 sorry 64 
 that no i 
 h humour, 
 exceptheh 
 Dphthegm? 
 
 ?ms to Mi 
 vhen the b 
 i changed^ 
 
 , I have f 
 r, but only’ 
 r a bark: 
 but do*. 
 )ff head,» 
 he other « 
 ; one cons 
 
 to him as of good will, to tell him he must 
 prepare him to die, for he could not live: he 
 called for his urinal, and having made water in 
 it, he cast it and viewed it {as physicians do) a 
 pretty while; at last he sware soberly, that he 
 saw nothing in that mans water, but that he 
 might live, if it pleased the king. A pretty 
 saying, both to note his own innocency, and 
 move the prince to mercy. And it is like, if 
 this tale had been as friendly told the king, as 
 the other perhaps was unfriendly enforced 
 against him, sure the king had pardoned him. 
 But alas! what cared he, or (to say the truth) 
 what need he care, that cared not for death ? 
 But to step back to my teshe (though every 
 place I step to yields me sweeter discourse); 
 what think you by Haywood, that escaped hang¬ 
 ing with his mirth ? The king being graciously 
 and (as I think) truly persuaded that a man 
 that wrote so pleasant and harmless verses, 
 could not have any harmful conceit against his 
 proceedings; and so by the honest motion of 
 a gentleman of his chamber, saved him from 
 the jerk of the six stringed whip. This Hay¬ 
 wood, for his proverbs and epigrams, is not yet 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 42 
 
 put down by any of our country, though one 
 doth indeed come near him, that graces him 
 the more in saying he puts him down. But 
 both of them have made sport with as homely 
 words as ours be; one, of a gentlewomans 
 glove, save that without his consent it is no 
 good manners to publish it; but old Haywood 
 saith: 
 
 Except wind stand, as never wind stood, 
 
 It is an ill wind blows no man good. 
 
 And another not unpleasant, one that I cannot 
 omit. 
 
 By word without writing one let out a farm, 
 
 The lessee most lewdly the rent did retain, 
 
 Whereby the lessor wanting writing had harm: 
 Wherefore he vow'd, while life did remain, 
 
 Without writing never to let thing again. 
 
 Husband, quoth the wife , that oath again revart , 
 
 Else without writing you cannot let a ci'ack, 
 
 God thank thee, sweet wife, quoth he, from my heart. 
 And so on the lips did her lovingly smack. 
 
 Such a thing it was; but not having the book 
 here, and my memory being no better than I 
 would have it, I have stumbled on it as w r ell as 
 I can. But now to strike this matter dead 
 with a sound authority indeed, and in so serious 
 a matter, as under heaven is no weightier, to 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 43 
 
 such a person, as in the world is no worthier, 
 from such a scholar, as in Oxford was no 
 learneder, mark what a verse here is in an 
 eucharistical and parenetical verse. He saith: 
 
 Italici Augcei stabulum fcedamque cloacam y 
 A te purgari Romamque oxvQaXot tulli. 
 
 If he had said stercora , I could guess well 
 enough what it had meant, but that the Greek 
 hath in some ears a better emphasis. Thus 
 writes their great Campiano^cuei- that con¬ 
 founds all the Puritano Papist as; and yet to m. Rainoids 
 
 much more 
 
 sav truly, I make no great boast of his authority *emiy »seth 
 
 J J7 ° J the metaphor, 
 
 to my text. If I had alleged him in divinity, p ib 2 ^ chap * 8, 
 
 I would have stood lustily to it, and said 
 
 avroQ £<j)a, but for verses m praise ot his mistress, 
 
 there be twenty of us may set him to school: 
 
 for be it spoken, without disgrace or dispraise 
 
 to his poetry, such a metaphor had been fitter 
 
 for a plain dame abhorring all princely pomp, 
 
 and not refusing to wear russet coats, than for 
 
 the magnificent majesty of a maiden monarch. 
 
 Believe me, I would fain have made’him speak 
 good rhyme in English; but (as I am a true 
 Misacmos) I beat my brains about it, the space fA.ia<xx^os. 
 that one may go with the tide from London 
 
44 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Bridge, down where the priest fell in upon the 
 maid, and from thence almost to Wapping, yet 
 I could not couch it into a cleanly distichon. 
 But yet, because I know mistress Philostilpnos 
 will have a great mind to know what it means, 
 I will tell her by some handsome circum¬ 
 locution. His meaning is, that a lady of 
 ladies, did for zeal to the Lord of lords, take 
 the like pains to purge some popish abuses, as 
 the great giantly Hercules did for Augeus. 
 Now what manner of work that was, in the 
 process of this discourse, one way or other, 
 you shall see me bring it in; though yet I know 
 not where will be the fittest place for it: here 
 yet you see by the way I have told, the mans 
 meaning reasonable mannerly; yet still methink 
 I can say of his metaphor, 
 
 That still Cmethink) he us’d a phrase as pliant , 
 
 That said , his mistress was for wit a giant. 
 
 But I pray you let me go back again to 
 merry Martial: for I should have one more of 
 his, if I have not lost it. Ad Phabum. Oh, 
 here I have it. 
 
 Utere lactucis et mollibus utere malvis, 
 
 Namfaciem, duram , Phoebe , cacantis habes. 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 45 
 
 He advises him to take somewhat to make him Lib. m. ep. 68. 
 soluble; for his face looked as if he were 
 asking, who should be M. Mayor the next 
 year. But I think this jest was borrowed of 
 Vespasian’s fool, or else the fool borrowed it of 
 him; but the jest is worthy to be received into 
 this discourse. This fool had jested somewhat 
 at all the board, and Vespasian himself: and 
 belike he thought it was ill playing with edge 
 tools and emperors; but Vespasian commanded 
 him, and promised him frank pardon, to break 
 a good jest upon him. Well, sir (then said 
 the fool), I will but tarry till you have done 
 your business ; whereby he quipped the Empe¬ 
 ror’s ill feature of face, that even when he was 
 merriest, looked as if he had been wringing 
 hard on a close-stool. But let us seek some 
 better authorities than epigrams and jesters: 
 sure I am I shall find in history, which is called 
 nuncia vetustatis , vita memories , the reporter 
 of antiquities, the life of memory, many phrases 
 expressing the same action, and not thinking 
 their style any whit abased thereby. He that i. Sam. 24. 
 
 J J Spelunca qtiarn 
 
 writes the first book of Samuel, tells that ingressus est. 
 
 Saul ut purga- 
 
 David did cut off the lap of Saul’s coat, and rct ventrem - 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 46 
 
 leaves not to tell what Saul was then doing. 
 The writer of Bassianus’ life, tells how he was 
 not only privily murdered, but murdered at the 
 privy. Heliogabulus* body was thrown into a 
 Suetonius. Jakes, as writeth Suetonius. Lastly, the best, 
 and the best written part of all our chronicles, 
 in all mens opinions, is that of Richard the 
 Third, written as I have heard by Moorton; 
 but as most suppose, by that worthy and 
 uncorrupt magistrate, Sir Thomas More, some¬ 
 time Lord Chancellor of England; where it 
 is written, how the king was devising with 
 Terril, how to have his nephews privily mur¬ 
 dered ; and it is added he was then sitting on a 
 draught (a fit carpet for such a counsel). But 
 to leave these tragical matters, and come to 
 comical; look into your sports of hawking and 
 hunting : of which noble recreations, the noble 
 Sir Philip Sidney was wont to say, that next 
 hunting, he liked hawking worst: but the fal¬ 
 coners and hunters would be even with him, 
 and say, that these bookish fellows, such as he, 
 could judge of no sports but within the verge 
 of the fair fields of Helicon , Pindus, and Par¬ 
 nassus . Now I would ask you, sir, lest you 
 
SIS 
 
 is that 
 Ushowk; 
 lurderedt 
 s thrown 
 ^stlj,lki 
 out chroL 
 )f Ricb. 
 
 1 by 5k 
 at woii 
 lasMore,': 
 ;land; i 
 s dew 
 iws pnii 
 then sittk' 
 
 , counsel), 
 s, and of 
 i of bail 
 ations,tbe8 
 o say, fa 1 
 rst: butt 
 even lit 
 OWS, sucll 
 within tie • 
 
 inkM 
 
 )U, sffj ^ 
 
 OF AJAX. 47 
 
 should think I never read Sir Tristram: Do 
 you not sometime (beside the fine phrase, or 
 rather metaphor, of inewing a woodcock) talk 
 both of putting a heron to the mount, and then 
 of his slicing? tell of springing a pheasant 
 and a partridge, and find them out by their 
 dropping? Do you not further, to judge of 
 your hawks health, look on her casting? If it 
 be black at one end, and the rest yellow, you 
 fear she hath the philanders: if it be all black, 
 you shall see and smell she is not sound. 
 Lastly, you have a special regard to observe, 
 if she make a clean mute. Moreover for 
 hunting, when you have harboured a stag, or 
 lodged a buck, doth not the keeper before he 
 come to rouse him from his lodging (not with¬ 
 out some ceremony), shew you his femishing, 
 that thereby you may judge if he be a season¬ 
 able deer? And soon after follows the melodious 
 cry of the hounds, which the good lady could 
 not hear because the dogs kept such a barking. 
 And when all this is done, and you are rehears¬ 
 ing at dinner what great sport you have had, 
 in the midst of your sweet meats, in comes 
 Melampus or Ringwood, that sang the base 
 
48 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 that morning, and in the return home lighted 
 upon some powdered vermin, and lays a chase 
 under the table that makes all as sweet as any 
 sugar-carrion; and all this you willingly bear 
 with, because it is your pastime. Thus you 
 must needs confess it is more than manifest, 
 that without reproof of ribaldry or scurrility, 
 writings, both holy and profane, emblems, 
 epigrams, histories, and ordinary and familiar 
 communication, admit the use of the words 
 with all their appurtenances: in citing exam¬ 
 ples whereof I have been the more copious, 
 because of this captious time; so ready to 
 backbite every mans work, and I would fore¬ 
 warn men not to bite here, lest they bite an 
 unsavoury morsel. But here methink it were 
 good to make a pause, and (as it were at a long 
 dinner) to take away the first course, which 
 commonly is of the coarsest meat, as powdered 
 beef and mustard; or rather (to compare it 
 fitter) fresh beef and garlic, for that hath three 
 properties more suiting to this discourse: viz. 
 to make a man wink, drink, and stink. Now 
 for your second course, I could wish I had 
 some larks and quails, but you must have such 
 
5 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 lomefe 
 lavs 1 4 
 sweet itt 
 Agin 
 . Ubt 
 bum i 
 or scum: 
 ne, emlile 
 f andfi 
 of Aen 
 i citing ea 
 more cop 
 ; so real 
 IwouUh 
 t they to 
 letth 
 wereatali 
 course, *1 
 
 49 
 
 as the market I come from will afford; always 
 remembered, that our retiring place, or place of 
 rendezvous (as is expedient when men have filled 
 their bellies), must be Monsieur ajax, for I 
 must still keep me to my teshe: wherefore, as I 
 say, here I will make the first stop; and if you 
 mislike not the fare thus far, I will 
 make the second course 
 make you some 
 amends. 
 
 (***) 
 
 bathith * 1 
 iscoursc:- 
 [stint > 
 
 d wish I - 
 lusthav^ 
 
 E 
 
THE 
 
 SECOND SECTION; 
 
 * probing t \)e fatter not to be contemptible* 
 
 It hath been in the former part hereof suffi¬ 
 ciently proved, that there is no obscenity or 
 barbarism in words concerning our necessaries: 
 but now for the place where these necessaries 
 are to be done; perhaps some will object, that 
 it was never of that importance, but that it 
 was left to each mans own care to provide for 
 that which concerned his own peculiar neces¬ 
 sity. It is not so, for I can bring very authen- 
 tical proofs out of ancient records and histories, 
 that the greatest magistrates that ever were, 
 have employed their wits, their care, and their 
 cost, about these places; as also have made 
 divers good laws, proclamations, and decrees 
 about the same, and all thereto belonging, as 
 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 51 
 
 by this that ensues shall more plainly appear: 
 in the handling whereof, I will use a contrary 
 method to the former; for I will begin now 
 with prophane stories, and end with divine. 
 First, therefore most certain it is, that mischiefs 
 make us seek remedies, diseases make us find 
 medicines, and evil manners make good laws. 
 And as in all other things, so by all likelihood 
 in this we now treat of, when companies of 
 men began first to increase, and make of families 
 towns, and of towns cities, they quickly found 
 not only offence, but infection, to grow out of 
 great concourse of people, if special care were 
 
 i nee® not had to avoid it. And because they could 
 
 1 object,® not remove houses as they do tents, from place 
 
 but tk' to place, they were driven to find the best 
 
 means that their wits did then serve them, to 
 
 :uliar nee? cover rather than to avoid these annoyances, 
 
 veryaufc either by digging pits in the earth, or placing 
 
 mdkistor/ the common houses over rivers; but as Tully 
 
 evert saith of metaphors, that they were like our 
 
 re,andt apparel, first devised to hide nakedness, then 
 
 haven# applied for comeliness, and lastly abused for 
 
 and dectf pride; so I may say of these homely places, 
 
 elonging,* that first they were provided for bare necessity; 
 
 E 2 
 
52 the metamorphosis 
 
 for indeed till Romulus’ time I find little men¬ 
 tion of them, then they came to be matters of 
 some more cost, as shall appear in examples 
 following: and I think I might also lay pride 
 to their charge; for I have seen them in cases 
 of figured satin and velvet (which is flat against 
 the statute of apparel); but for sweetness or 
 33. Henry a. cleanliness, I never knew yet any of them 
 Sajax guilty of it; but that if they had but waited 
 bener gown on a lady in her chamber a day or a night, they 
 t^ss. would have made a man (at his next entrance 
 into the chamber) have said, so good speed 
 ye. Now, as scholars do daily seek out new 
 phrases and metaphors, and tailors do oft invent 
 new fardingales and breeches 5 so I see no 
 reason but magistrates may, as well now as 
 heretofore, devise new orders for cleanliness 
 and wholesomeness. But now to the stories, 
 I alleged before, as it were at the second hand, 
 out of Lactantius ; how Titus Tacius , that was 
 king with Romulus , erected the statue of the 
 goddess Cloacina in a great privy made for 
 that purpose. I find after this, in the story of 
 Livy, how Tarquinius Priscus, a man of 
 excellent good spirit, but husband to a wife of 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 53 
 
 a more excellent spirit; a man that won a 
 kingdom with making a learned oration, and 
 
 lost it with hearing a rude one; a king, that 
 was first crowned by an eagle, counselled by 
 
 an augur, and killed by a traitor: whose reign 
 and his ruin were both most strangely foretold. 
 This worthy prince is reported by that excel¬ 
 lent historian, to have made two provisions for 
 his city, one for war, the other for peace; both 
 
 rauijiu 
 next into 
 
 very commendable: for war, a stone wall 
 about the town, to defend them from outward 
 invasions; and for peace, a goodly Jakes within 
 the town, with a vault to convey all the filth 
 into Tiber, to preserve them from inward 
 infection. 
 
 o gpodf 
 seek Qin 
 ire Mi 
 ; so I« 
 s well do* 
 
 Not long after him reigned Tarquinius, sur- 
 
 named the proud; a tyrant, I confess, and an 
 
 to the$ usurper, and husband to a dragon rather than 
 
 a woman; but himself surely, a man valiant 
 
 in war, provident in peace, and in that young 
 
 world, a notable politician: of whom Livy 
 takes this special note; that coming to the 
 crown without law, and fearing others might 
 follow his example, to do that to him he had 
 done to another, he was the first that appointed 
 
54 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 a guard for his person, the first that drew 
 public matters to private hearing, the first that 
 made private wars, private peace, private con¬ 
 federacies ; the first that lessened the number 
 of the senators, the first that when any of them 
 died kept their rooms void, with many excellent 
 Machiavellian lessons; which, whoso would 
 be better instructed of, let him read but his 
 accusing of Turnus, his stratagem against the 
 Gabians, &c. But the matter I would praise 
 him for, is none of all these; but only because 
 he built a stately temple, and a costly Jakes; 
 the words be, Cloacamque maximum receptacu - 
 lum omnium purgamentorum urbis; a mighty 
 great vault to receive all the filth of the city. 
 Of which two works, joining them both toge¬ 
 ther, Livy saith thus: Quibus duobus operibus 
 vix nova hcec magnificentia quicquam adequa- 
 vit: which two great works, the new magnifi¬ 
 cence of this our age can hardly match. Now 
 though Brutus after, in a popular and seditious 
 oration to incite the multitude to rebellion, 
 debased this worthy work of his, saying he 
 wasted the treasure of the realm, and tired and 
 toiled out the people, in exhaurendis cloacis , 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 55 
 
 ill emptying of Jaxes (for that was his word); 
 yet it appears by the history, that if his son 
 had not defloured the chaste Lucrece (the mir¬ 
 ror of her sex), Brutus, with his feigned folly, 
 true value, and great eloquence, could never 
 have disgraced him. For even with all the 
 faults, you see that Brutus his own sons would 
 have had him again; who laying their heads 
 together with many young gallants that thought 
 themselves much wiser than their fathers, con¬ 
 cluded among themselves, that a king was 
 better than a consul, a court better than a 
 senate; that to live only by laws was too strict 
 and rigorous a life, and better for peasantly 
 than princely dispositions; that kings could 
 favour, as well as frown; reward, as well as 
 revenge; pardon, as well as punish: whereas, 
 the law was merciless, mute, and immutable: 
 finally, they concluded it was ill living for them 
 where nothing but innocency could protect a 
 man. Lo, Brutus! how eloquently thy sons 
 can plead against their father: but thou hadst 
 a jury of sure freeholders, that gave a verdict 
 against them ; and thyself wast both judge and 
 sheriff, and hastenedst execution. 
 
56 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Oh, brave minded Brutus ! I will not call 
 thee primus Romanorum , because one was 
 shent for calling one of thy posterity, ultimas 
 Romanorum; but this I must truly say, they 
 were two brutish parts, both of him and you: 
 one to kill his sons for treason, the other to kill 
 Caesar called his father in treason : and yet you w ould both 
 andsaidtohim make us believe you had reason: and why so? 
 
 when he stab- J J 
 
 bed at him, forsooth because 
 
 XCtl (TV 
 
 nyyov. Victrix causa placet superis sed victa Catoni. 
 
 That is to say, in English, you had great fortune, 
 and your cousin had great friends; yet neither 
 died in bed, but both in battle; only his death 
 was his enemies advancement, and thy death 
 was thy enemies destruction; but to omit these 
 trifles and return to my teshe: whereas thou 
 railest against so great a prince for making of 
 so sumptuous a Jakes, this I cannot endure at 
 thy hands; and if thou hadst played me such 
 a saucy part here in my country, first of mine 
 it seems the own authority, I would have granted the good 
 wooidjambe behaviour against you; secondly, Tarquinius 
 tice of peace, himself might have Scandalum magnatum 
 against you; and, thirdly, a bill should have 
 been framed against you in the Star-chamber, 
 
upon the statute of unlawful assemblies; and 
 then you would have wished you had kept your 
 eloquence to yourself, and not when a man 
 hath done but two good works in all his life, 
 you to stand railing at one of them. For 
 suppose that Tarquin had given me but a fee, 
 thus would I plead for him: M. Brutus, you 
 have made us believe all this while you were 
 but a fool; but I see now, if one had begged 
 you, he should have found you a Bigamus. 
 And whereas you seem to disgrace my honour¬ 
 able client for making of ajax, I dare under¬ 
 take to prove it, that your own laws, your 
 religions, your customs, yea, your conscience 
 is against you, and shews it is but a mere calum¬ 
 niation. For to omit dame Cloacina , so lately 
 deified, did not the noble Hercules, whom you 
 Brutus honour as a god, far ancienter than 
 Quirinus and Romulus , among those many 
 labours that eternized his memory, make clean 
 Augeus’ dunghills. 
 
 Quis non Euristea durum. 
 
 Aut illaudati nescit Busiridis aras . 
 
 If the work have a baseness, Tarquinius but 
 with his purse, Hercules with his person 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Martial. 505. 
 Carpere causi- 
 dicus fertur 
 mea carmina 
 qui sit, nescio 
 si sciero ve tibi 
 causidicie. 
 
 affected it; leaving a pattern to posterity, both 
 of labour and wit; for by turning a stream of 
 water on the micksons, he scoured away that 
 in a week, that an hundred could scarce have 
 done in a year. Then would I end with some 
 exclamation, and say, O tempora, O mores! Oh 
 times, oh manners! If a man be not popular, 
 you will straight say he is proud; if he keep 
 good hospitality, you will say he doth but fill 
 many Jaxes; if he build goodly vaults for 
 sewers, you will say he spends his treasure in 
 exhauriendis cloacis . Or rather I would say, 
 O Hercules! come and bend thy bow against 
 Brutus, that shoots arrows through thy sides to 
 slay Tarquinius. But now let me leave playing 
 the lawyer, and lawyerlike be friends imme¬ 
 diately with him, whom even now I talked 
 against so earnestly, I mean with Brutus; be¬ 
 cause indeed, saving in this one case, I never 
 mean to be of counsel with Tarquin; for such 
 proud clients will speak us passing fair while 
 we serve their turns, and after pick a quarrel 
 against us when we sue for a reward. Now 
 therefore to go forward with the story. 
 
 When this valiant Brutus had thus discarded 
 
3 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 mcrityi 
 
 idainjt 
 1 scarce i 
 ndwiisi 
 Ohms ,' 1 
 
 ! DOt pOjll! 
 
 I; if kit 
 ^ doA te¬ 
 lly dfci 
 
 y bow© 
 ghthysite 
 e leave pk 
 friends iia 
 now 1 
 b Brute' 
 case, I ip 
 juin; for* 
 ing iiri 
 pick a f 
 ward. I 5 
 story, 
 husdisc^ 
 
 59 
 
 the kings and queens out of the pack, and 
 showed himself indeed a sworn and avowed 
 enemy to all the coate cards, there crept in 
 many new forms of government, and every one 
 worse than other: namely, consuls , dictators , 
 decemviri , tribunes , triuniviri ; till at last, after 
 often interchanges, it came to the government 
 of Emperors. In all which times there were not 
 only laws and special caveats given to the great 
 officers in time of war and danger, Ne quid 
 respub. detrimenti caperet, to look to the safety 
 of the main chance (the commonwealth), but 
 also there were officers of good account; as 
 JEdiles, pratores urbis, that made inquiries de 
 stillicidijs , de aqua ductibus , of reparation of 
 houses, of water courses, or common sewers; of 
 which I could recite out of the 43rd book of 
 the Digest . tit. 23. de c/oacis; where you shall 
 find it was lawful for any man purgare et reji- 
 cere cloacam . What officers were to license 
 him that would privatam cloacam facer e, qua 
 habeat exitum in publicum. What special 
 care was to be had of Tubus and Fistula . 
 Lastly, that novam cloacam facere is concedit , 
 cui publicarum viarum cura sit; that is, that 
 
(30 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 no man might make a new Jakes, but he that 
 had licence of the wardens of highways; with 
 much more, which I would cite if it were not 
 to avoid prolixity. And from them no doubt 
 was derived our commission of sewers, of 
 which the best of us all I hope will take no 
 scorn: which commission, though in our coun¬ 
 try it is chiefly intended to keep open the chan¬ 
 nels of rivers in the deep country, that the 
 water may have free passage; yet the very 
 name imports, that therein is comprised the 
 subject of my present discourse; which in 
 populous towns had as much need to be looked 
 to, as the other, infection being fit to be avoided, 
 as well as inundation. But now I hasten to 
 imperial examples; for though I have showed 
 already some authorities for my text out of the 
 practise of the laws, the provident care of 
 magistrates, the magnificent cost of kings, the 
 religion (though false) of pagans: yet until 
 I have added to all these the majesty of 
 emperors, and the verity of Scriptures, I sup¬ 
 pose some carping mouths will not be stopped. 
 
 The first example I meet with among the 
 emperors, was a matter rather of courtesy 
 
Ol? AJAX. 
 
 Mi 
 gWays;-, 
 if it vet? 
 hem no i 
 of m. 
 e willtat 
 gtinoma 
 openlki 
 untry, tk 
 ; yet tb 
 compile 
 urse; A 
 leedtoWs 
 fittobeiu 
 low Ik 
 hlhavei 
 iy test out® 
 rovideot » 
 
 ost of fc 
 igans: p 
 the map 
 cripturftJ 
 II not best? 
 with a®® 
 her if* 
 
 61 
 
 than cost: and if any man will say, that I draw r 
 
 this into my treatise as it were obtorto collo, I some of our 
 
 rude country- 
 
 ailSWer, that in my understanding, the tale men English 
 
 J ' this {obtorto 
 
 falleth so fit and proper unto this discourse, as colu,s > han emg 
 
 * 2111 RISC* 
 
 indeed to have brought it into any discourse 
 saving of a jax, I would say it were improper 
 and uncivil: the argument holds a minore ad 
 majus. Now hearken to my tale. Claudius, 
 
 Emperor of Rome, and husband to that filthy 
 Messalina (vilissima quce fuerunt vel sunt), Agrippa saith 
 
 3 J of her, that she 
 
 she that was worthy for the commonness of her lay with twen- 
 body (be it spoken w ith save the reverence of ^ f " u l r n 
 all women that are or were, save herself) to 
 have been metamorphosed into a jax, rather 
 than poor Hecuba , for barking at him that™*** 
 killed her son, into a bitch. This Claudius, I 
 say, though not for cost (as Tarquin), yet for 
 his courtesy was greatly to be commended: 
 for a gentleman one day being talking with 
 him, and falling suddenly into a grievous fit of 
 the colic, the poor gentleman would not for 
 good manners sake break wind, which might 
 presently have eased him; and after the dis¬ 
 ease increased so sore on him that he died. 
 
 The Emperor informed of his death, was much 
 
52 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 grieved thereat, especially hearing of the cause; 
 and immediately thereupon made it be solemnly 
 proclaimed, that if any man hereafter should 
 be troubled with the colic, it should not be 
 taken for ill manners to break wind, though it 
 were in the Emperor’s own company. Now it 
 may be, some man in disgrace of this pro¬ 
 clamation will say, that this Claudius was but 
 a cuckold and a fool. I answer, that for the 
 cuckold that was none of his fault; and if it 
 were a fault, God forbid all our faults should 
 be seen on our foreheads. And for the fool, the 
 old proverb may serve us, Stultorum plena sunt 
 omnia; the world is full of fools, but take heed 
 how you beg him for a fool: for I have heard 
 of one that was begged in the court of wards 
 for a fool, and when it came to trial, he proved 
 a wiser man by much than he that begged 
 him; and though I have small skill in the law, 
 especially in these prerogative cases (for I must 
 confess I studied Littleton but to the title of 
 discontinuance), yet methink I should find out 
 a quirk, to make them that should beg him have 
 a cold suit in the court of wards. For I take 
 it to be a ruled case, that though a man hold 
 
rr 
 
 )SI$ 
 
 igoflheu 
 leitbesoln 
 ereafter a 
 should k 
 wind, tk* 
 ipany. 5 
 :e of tel 
 audius to 
 er, that fe 
 fault; i: 
 lr faults 4 
 forthefc 
 ormplm 
 s, buttakelt 
 or I have x 
 court of P 
 trial, hep 
 le that te 
 skill into 
 ises (fori* 
 to the title 
 hould find 
 1 beg kink 
 
 i. Fori* 
 
 rharnarik 
 
 OF AJAX. 63 
 
 wholly in Capite, put the case by a whole 
 knights service, or half a knights service, yet 
 if he be covert baron, as Claudius was (for I 
 am sure his wife wore the breeches), and being 
 at his fool age of thirty-one, the Custodia 
 must of course be granted to the wife, although 
 the man be plus digue de sang. And thus 
 much we say, saving to ourselves all advantage 
 of exception to the insufficiency of the bill, &c. 
 
 And without that, the said Claudius did fondly Tw o parts 
 
 . . . . why Claudius 
 
 to cause a mans hand to be cut oft upon the was esteemed 
 
 r a fool. 
 
 motion of a stranger; and without that, he had LookeSueton. 
 almost marred all the pastime he and his friends 
 should have had at a Naumachia, or sea-game, 
 with re-saluting the slaves that should have 
 fought, in good Latin. And lastly, without 
 that, the said Claudius, at his being in England Claudius was 
 
 7 ° ° in England. 
 
 (though he was counted one of the best free¬ 
 holders in Middlesex), could forfeit any land 
 that he held by the right of his sword, either 
 in fee-simple or fee-tail, either by the sock or 
 the smock, to any other lady, but the lady his 
 wife. But alas, Claudius! thy friends may 
 say, that I am a bad lawyer; for all this while 
 I have done little better than confess the action; 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 64 
 
 but I care not, seeing thou art dead, Mortui 
 non mordent , and it were fitter now to preach 
 for thee, than to plead for thee : well then for 
 thy gentle proclamations sake, lo ! what in 
 sadness (if I were to make thy funeral sermon) 
 I would say for thee, that howsoever some 
 
 He is called writers have wronged thee with the name of a 
 
 fool to his face. * n Q £ thy judgments I may liken thy 
 
 wisdom to Solomon; and in one of thy jests 
 
 But hereby I can compare thy wit with Diogenes. As for 
 
 hangs a tale. ...... , 
 
 example, a woman on a time disclaiming her 
 son, and pretending that for conscience sake 
 she must needs confess a truth, viz. how her 
 own child died, and this was a supposititius , a 
 substitute in his place, for avoiding of her 
 husbands displeasure; no evidence appearing 
 to the contrary, and the next heir following 
 the matter very hard, by complot with the 
 mother who remained obstinate in the tale. 
 
 Clandius’judg- Claudius, then sitting in judgment, seems to 
 
 ment like that .. . 
 
 of Solomon. believe it; and seeing the man a comely young 
 man, and she no old woman, and oft protesting 
 she maliced him not, he commanded her imme¬ 
 diately in his presence to marry him. The 
 malicious mother, driven to that unlooked for 
 
ft 
 
 sis 
 
 ; m 
 
 now top 
 : wellfe 
 !,lo!ik 
 funeral n 
 owsoerei! 
 ltheni 
 I may fe 
 one of tij 
 ogenes. i 
 
 conscience 
 th, luk 
 isufjxi 
 avoiding 
 dencef 
 ;t keif ft 
 implot is 
 iate in 
 rment, «# 
 a comely; 
 id oft 
 tndedherB 
 arry him- 
 at unlooi^- 
 
 OF AJAX. 6j 
 
 pinch, openly confessed her unnatural malice, 
 to avoid so unnatural a marriage: and thus 
 much for his justice; now let us hear what his 
 jest is. A certain gentleman that had his 
 fingers made of lime twigs, stole a piece of 
 plate from Claudius one day at a banquet; the 
 conveyance was not so cleanly, but one had 
 spied it and told the Emperor, and offered to 
 accuse him of it, whereby his goods might 
 have been all confiscate: but this good prince 
 would neither head him nor hang him, no nor 
 so much as once suffer him to be troubled; only 
 the next time he came he caused him to be 
 served in an earthen dish; the gentleman being 
 abashed at it, for the dish gave him his dinner. 
 Claudius was so far from laying his crime in 
 his dish, that he said, be of good cheer man, 
 and fall to thy meat, and when thou hast dined 
 put up that dish too; for I will spare thee that 
 with a better will than the last, for perhaps 
 thou hast a mind to poke up thy dish when thou 
 likest the meat well. And so farewell, good 
 Claudius, and when any of my friends are 
 troubled with the colic, I hope I shall make 
 them remember thee. 
 
 
 F 
 
66 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 The next emperor that is fit to bring into 
 this discourse, is Vespasian; though his prede¬ 
 cessor Vitellius, who is noted to have been a 
 passing great eater, would I think have taken 
 it in good part, to have been offered a cleanly 
 and easy place for egestion after his good 
 digestion. But to the purpose: Vespasian, 
 before he was emperor, had borne some other 
 offices, among the which one was JEdilis; and 
 it is written of him, that he incurred great dis¬ 
 pleasure with Otho, then emperor, because he 
 had not seen better to the keeping sweet of the 
 streets, and caused the filth of them (according 
 to his office) to be carried to the places 
 appointed for the same. But afterwaid, him¬ 
 self coming to be emperor (though the city of 
 Rome was before his time sufficiently furnished 
 of Jaxes), yet it seemed there wanted other 
 places of near affinity to them (which he found 
 belike when he was jKdile by experience), I 
 mean certain pissing conduits; and therefore 
 he caused divers to be erected in the most 
 populous and frequented places of the city, 
 and saved all the urine in cisterns, and sold it 
 for a good sum of money to the dyers. But 
 
rr 
 
 kra»i 
 Ap 
 me bee 
 have tik 
 ed add 
 
 lew* 
 
 r, be®: 
 g sweet oil 
 jm(accd 
 to the pk 
 terwarii 
 igh the cr 
 intlyturi 
 wanted & 
 rhichbcf^ 
 
 | in tie • 
 iofW 
 is, andsoid 
 • dyers, t 
 
 OF AJAX. 67 
 
 though I tell you the tale thus plainly, you 
 must imagine the matter was much more for¬ 
 mally and finely handled, and namely, that 
 there was an edict set out in this sort: 
 
 By the Emperor 
 
 C. FLAVIVS VESPASIANVS PATER PATRIiE, SEMPER 
 AVGVSTVS, &c. 
 
 Forasmuch as his Majesty hath been in¬ 
 formed by sundry credible men, that great 
 abuse is committed by the irreverent demeanour 
 of divers persons, ill brought up, who without 
 all due respect of civility and reverence, in 
 most unseemly manner shed their urine, not 
 only against the walls of his royal palace, but 
 also against the temples of the Gods and God¬ 
 desses : whereby not only ugly and loathsome 
 sights, but filthy and pestiferous savours are 
 daily engendered: his Majesty therefore, as 
 well of a fatherly care of his citizens, as of a 
 filial reverence to the Gods, hath to his great 
 charges, and of his princely bounty and mag¬ 
 nificence, erected divers and sundry places of 
 fair polished marble, for this special purpose; 
 requiring, and no less straightly charging all 
 persons, as well citizens as strangers, to refrain 
 F 2 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 68 
 
 from all other places, saving these specially 
 appointed, as they tender his favour, &c. 
 
 Thus could I have penned the edict, if I 
 had been secretary; for it had not been worth 
 a fig, if they had not artificially covered the 
 true intent (which was the profit), and gloriously 
 set forth the goodly and godly pretence (that 
 was least thought on); viz. the health of the 
 people, and clean keeping of the temples. 
 But I doubt, notwithstanding this goodly edict, 
 it will be objected, that it was condemned for 
 a base part, by a judge whose sentence is above 
 all appeal; I mean that noble Titus , delicia 
 humani generis; he that thought the day lost in 
 which he had done no man good; to answer 
 which I w6uld but say, as was said to him 
 when the passing money was put into the per¬ 
 fumed purse, suavis odor lucri , the smell of 
 gain is sweet. And I dare undertake, this 
 answer will satisfy divers men in London, and 
 many of the worshipful of the city, that make 
 oils, oad, tar, sweet gains of stinking wares; and will laugh, 
 
 &c. 
 
 and be fat, and say, 
 
 So we get the chinks, 
 
 We will bear with ihe stinks. 
 
IS 
 
 iese ^ 
 )ur,k 
 ie edict,! 
 ot been n 
 y coveraii 
 , andgloncv 
 
 the te 
 isgoolji 
 cond«: 
 ntenceki 
 
 ik, a 
 
 tthedayb 
 od; to® 
 as said to i 
 utiutoth 
 
 i, the d 
 undertalV- 
 d London 
 city, that® 
 
 and will!* 
 
 OF AJAX. 69 
 
 But I must find out a better answer for 
 courtly wits; and therefore I say to them, that 
 according to the discipline and custom of the 
 Romans (in my opinion under reformation of 
 their better judgments), this was so honourable 
 a part of Vespasian, that he was therefore 
 worthy to have been deified: for if Saturnus 
 was allowed as a god, by the name of Stercu- 
 tius, as is before alleged, for finding a profit¬ 
 able use of all manner of soil, I see a good 
 reason (a paribus) that Vespasian should as 
 well be deified for finding a means to make 
 money of urine; and accordingly to be named 
 Urinatius, of Urina; as the other is, of 
 Stercus , Stercutius . Further, Vespasian was 
 famous for two true miracles done by him, 
 greater than all their gods beside ever did. Now 
 if any take exception to his face, because the 
 fool told him he looked as if it went hard with 
 him, trust me it shall go hard with me too, but 
 I will find somewhat to say for him; and first, 
 I will get some of the painting that comes 
 from the river of Oroonoque, winch will won¬ 
 derfully mend his complexion. Secondly, I 
 will say this; how bad soever his face was, he 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 70 
 
 had something so good, that a handsome woman 
 gave him a thousand crowns for putting his 
 seal with his label to her patent; and yet she 
 exhibited the petition (as I take it) in forma 
 paper , for she was stark naked. Once this I 
 am sure Suetonius writes; that when his stew¬ 
 ard asked him how he should set down that 
 thousand crowns on his book, he bade him 
 write it among his other perquisites in some 
 such sort: 
 
 Item . For respite of homage from a x 
 
 loving tenant to her lovely lord, for i 1000 crowns . 
 a whole knights fee, recepi . J 
 
 Now for his wit, though I could tell you 
 two excellent tales, how he deceived a groom 
 of the chamber, of his brother, and how he 
 would needs be half with his horse-keeper, for 
 setting on a shoe on a horse that lacked none; 
 yet I omit them both, because many will be too 
 apt to follow the precedent, and I will keep 
 me very strictly to my teshe; and specially be¬ 
 cause I hasten to a most royal example, I mean 
 of Trajan. There is no man (I think) that 
 hath either travelled far countries, or read 
 foreign stories, but hath either heard of the 
 
s 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 romeim 
 
 it)»Jn 
 Oncetk 
 'hen his !b 
 set don 
 he bade k 
 isites in >.: 
 
 1 1000 cum 
 
 could teS p 
 rived a p! 
 ■, and bowl 
 rse-keeptT,s 
 t lacked b» 
 any will Ik* 
 
 id I rills 
 d specially' 
 ample,!® 1 
 
 (I M* 
 
 tries, or ® 
 heard of * 
 
 71 
 
 famous exploits and victories that lie had, or 
 seen some of the stately and sumptuous monu¬ 
 ments that he made. This Trajan was Em¬ 
 peror of Rome ; and then emperor when 
 Rome stood at her highest pitch of greatness: 
 a man whose conquests were most glorious, 
 whose buildings were most gorgeous, whose 
 justice was most gracious: he that staid his 
 whole army, to right the cause of one widow; 
 he that created a magistrate, and delivering 
 him the sword for justice, said to him, use this 
 for me as long as I govern justly, but against 
 me when I govern otherwise; he in whose 
 time no learned man was seen to want, no poor 
 man was seen to beg; he that would boast of 
 Nerva his predecessor, of Plotina his wife, of 
 Plutarch his counsellor; finally, this Trajan 
 was so well accomplished a prince in all 
 princely virtues, as no story, no time, no 
 memory, in all points, can match him. This 
 most renowned Emperor, hearing there was a 
 town in Bithynia, far off* from Rome, and in a 
 place where he was like never to be troubled 
 with the evil savour, that was much annoyed 
 for lack of a good conveyance of the common 
 
 
 
 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Argumentum 
 quaprit an. 
 
 The contents 
 is, whether he 
 shall cover the 
 water that runs 
 by the town of 
 Amestris. 
 
 72 
 
 privies, thought himself bound (as a father to 
 all his subjects) to provide a remedy for such 
 an inconvenience; and of his own purse he 
 took order for making a vault, of great cost 
 and charge, in the city. And for full satisfaction 
 of the reader herein, I will set down the two 
 epistles as I find them in the tenth book of 
 the epistles of Plinius Secundus to Trajan. 
 Epist. 99- 
 
 Plinius Secundus Trajano Imp. S. 
 
 Amastrianorum civitas , Domine, et elegans 
 et ornately habet , inter prazeipua opera pulclier- 
 rimam eandemque longissimam plateam, cujus 
 a latere per spatium omne porrigitur , nomine 
 quidemJhimen, revera cloaca fazdissima. Quaz 
 sicut turpis et immundissima aspectu ita pesti- 
 lens est odore teterrimo. Quibusex causis non 
 minus salubritatis quam decoris interesty earn 
 contegi. Quod fiet si permiseris } curantibus 
 nobis ne desit quoque pecunia operi tarn magno , 
 quam necessario .—Which is thus in English: 
 
 Caius Plinius, to Trajan the Emperor, greet¬ 
 ing- The city of the Amestrians (my lord) 
 being commodious and beautiful, hath among 
 her principal goodly buildings, a very fair and 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 ISIS 
 
 Mai? 
 
 medvfei 
 
 own pup 
 ) °f graii 
 full salt 
 down tt' 
 tenth h 
 
 AstoIfB 
 
 dhf, i 
 
 i opera pi 
 .phkav 
 rigitur,M 
 dim 1 
 pedtiittp 
 mcdi 
 is inters 
 m , curai 
 iritonW 
 sinEn»i 
 
 Imperor# 
 ians (mj ^ 
 1, hath a®' 
 i very to* 
 
 long street, on the side whereof runneth through 
 the whole length of it a brook, in name (for it 
 is called so), but indeed a most filthy Jakes; 
 which as it is foul and most uncleanly to behold, 
 so is it infectious with the horrible vile savour; 
 wherefore it were expedient, no less for whole¬ 
 someness than for handsomeness, to have it 
 vaulted, which shall be done if it please you to 
 allow it; and I will take care that there shall 
 be no want of money for such a work, no 
 less chargeable than necessary. Thus writes 
 Plinius Secundus , a Roman senator, and as it 
 were a deputy lieutenant in the province of 
 Bithynia, to the great Trajan; and I do half 
 marvel he durst w rite so; for had it been in the 
 time of Domitian, Commodus, or Nero, either 
 Martial should have jested at him with an 
 epigram; or some secretary that had envied 
 his honest reputation, should have been willed 
 to have answered the letter in some scornful 
 sort; and would have written thus: 
 
 Master Pliny, my Lord God the Emperor Che scrisse 
 
 1 ~ - taccia, et piu 
 
 not vouchsafing to answer your letter himself, no’l faccia. 
 hath commanded me to write thus much to you; 
 that he marvels you will presume to trouble 
 
74 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 his divine Majesty with matters of so base 
 regard; that your father being held a wise man 
 and a learned, might have taught you better 
 manners; that his Majesty hath matters of great 
 import, concerning the state of the empire, 
 both for war and peace, to employ his treasure 
 in: thus much I was commanded to write. 
 Now for mine own part, let me say thus much 
 to you; that I heard my Lord God the Emperor 
 say, that if the ill savour annoy you, you may 
 send to your mistress for a perfumed handker¬ 
 chief to stop your nose; and that some physi¬ 
 cians say, the smell of a Jakes is good against 
 the plague.—Some such answer as this, had 
 been like to have come from some of those 
 beastly emperors, and their filthy followers. 
 But how did Tfajan answer it? I will set you 
 dow n his own letter, out of the same book, in 
 the same language. 
 
 Argumentum. 
 
 Permittit confornicari cloacam , 
 tr. plinio. s. 
 
 Rationis est, mi Secunde charissime y contegi 
 aquamistam,quaper civitatem Amastrianorum 
 Jiuit, si detecta salubritati obest . Pecunia nc 
 
as 
 
 rs of so| 
 ill a^i 
 
 nattersofr 
 )f the ffij 
 loyhistRa 
 tided to n 
 say fee 
 idtheEffij? 
 y you, ytfti 
 limed bus 
 lat somepi 
 is good® 
 eras ft 
 some of ii 
 ilthy (ok 
 1 Iwik 
 
 e samehii 
 
 , F0 
 
 OF AJAX. 75 
 
 huic open desit curaturum te secundum diligen - 
 tiam, tuam certum habeo . Thus in English: 
 
 It is good reason, my dearest Secundus, that 
 the water be covered that runs by the city of the 
 Amestrians, if the want of covering may breed 
 infection: and for money for the work, I make 
 no question, but you according to your accus¬ 
 tomed diligence will make provision. 
 
 Short and sweet, yea most sweet indeed, be¬ 
 cause it was of an unsavoury matter. But I 
 had almost forgot to English the argument; and 
 then folks might laugh indeed at me, and think 
 I were Magister incipiens with an s. and say I 
 could not English these three words, permittit 
 confornicari cloacam; what the good yeere, 
 what is this same confornicari? Trust me, this 
 is a word I never read in Homer nor Aristotle; 
 marry indeed they wrote but ill Latin: no nor 
 in Tully, in Livy, in Tacitus, nor in all the 
 poets: what a strange word is this! Ho, sirrah, 
 bring hither the dictionary. Which of them, 
 Cooper? No, no, Thomas Coperus omisitplu- 
 rima verba . Which then, that with the French 
 afore the Latin, or Thomas Thomas? Yea, 
 bring me them two. What, hast thou brought 
 
76 THE metamorphosis 
 
 the two dictionaries? I meant but the two 
 a great officer Thomases. Come old friend Tom, Tom, Qui 
 r,°"ftEton. fueras quondam clam pmpositor aula, you 
 
 Master of the J , • , i T 
 
 rods. have made rods to jerk me withal ere now; 1 
 
 think I shall give you a jerk, if you do not help 
 me to some English for this word. Look it, 
 sirrah, there in the dictionary. Con, con. Tush, 
 what dost thou look in the French? thou wilt 
 make a sweet piece of looking, to look for con- 
 fornicar in the French: look in the Latin for 
 Eliot’s Dicuo -fomicor. F, fa, fe, fi, fo, for, for, foramen, 
 pCT’s, a pi d acc° u ' forfex, forica, forma, fornicator (now I think 
 words too near J am near it), fornix , fomicor , -aris, -are. 
 
 together. 77 J J 
 
 There, what is that? a vault, to vault or arch 
 any thing with a compass. Well said, carry 
 away the books again now I have it. Then thus 
 it is: He alloweth the vaulting or arching over 
 of the Jakes. Marry, God’s blessing on his 
 heart for his labour, and I love him the better 
 for it. Wherefore (most noble Trajan) thou 
 mayest well be called the pattern of all princely 
 qualities; comely, beautiful, martial, merciful, 
 a lover of learning, moderate in private ex¬ 
 penses, magnificent in public, most goodly of 
 stature, amiable, not only in thy virtues, but 
 
SIS 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 t tilt tt) 
 
 Mu 
 
 itor aii 
 tal m 
 youdonoii 
 ford, k 
 
 inch: k 
 ,tolookti 
 in the Lit 
 
 for (nodi 
 if or, 4 ■ 
 to vault in 
 
 veit. Ik 
 Torarcfe 
 
 } him 
 le Trap : 
 rnofallp 1 ** 
 lartial, ^ 
 ! in p^ 1: 
 most go>>” 
 thy fl* 
 
 77 
 
 even in thy vices: for, to say the worst was 
 ever said of thee, these were all thy faults; 
 ambition or desire of glory in wars, love of 
 women, and persecuting of religion. For so 
 they join thee, Nero , Domitianus , Trajanus, 
 Antonius, Pontifices Romanos laniarunt. To 
 which, thus I answer without a fee, but with all 
 my heart: that thy ambition was so honourable, 
 and thy warlike humour so well tempered, that 
 thou didst truly witness of thyself, that thou 
 didst never envy any mans honour, for the con¬ 
 fidence thou hadst of thine own worth; and 
 all the world can witness, that thou never didst 
 make unjust war, nor refuse any just or indif¬ 
 ferent peace. For that same sweet sin of 
 lechery, I would say as the friar said, a young 
 man and a young woman in a green arbour in 
 a May morning; if God do not forgive it, 1 
 would. For as Sir Thomas More saith of 
 Edward the Fourth; he was subject to a sin, 
 from which, health of body in great prosperity 
 of fortune, without a special grace, hardly 
 refraineth. And to speak uprightly of him, 
 his lusts were not furious, but friendly; able 
 with his goodly person, his sweet behaviour, 
 
73 the metamorphosis 
 
 and his bountiful gifts, to have won Lucretia. 
 Besides, no doubt, his sin was the less, in that 
 he ever loved lus wife most dearly, and used 
 her most respectively: for I have ever main¬ 
 tained this paradox, it is better to love two too 
 many, than one too few. Lastly, for the per¬ 
 secution of thy time, though I dare not defend 
 it, yet there is a maxim, invincibilis ignorantia 
 recusat, and sure thou didst not know the 
 truth, and thy persecution was very gentle, and 
 half against thy will, as appeareth by the 98th 
 epistle of the tenth book of Pliny’s epistles; 
 where thou dost utterly reject all secret pro¬ 
 moters, and dost pronounce against the strict 
 inquisition, Conquirendi non sunt, etc. Where¬ 
 fore I doubt not to pronounce, that I hope thy 
 soul is in heaven, both because those thou didst 
 persecute prayed for thee, wishing to thee, as 
 Tertullian saith, Vitam prolixam, imperium 
 securum, domum tut am, exercitus fortes, se~ 
 natum Jidelem, populum probum, orbem quie- 
 tum; a long life, a happy reign, a safe dwel¬ 
 ling, strong armies, a faithful senate, honest 
 people, and a quiet world. Further, it is written 
 by authors of some credit, that thy soul was 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 79 
 
 eleg'll Gregory; winch though 1 am not bound to writes this of 
 
 & ° Trajan: be- 
 
 1 M 1 believe, yet as in love I had rather love too u ® ve them 
 
 7 J who list: for 
 
 who list; for 
 
 Ms many than too few, so in charity I had rather 
 o love to: believe too much than too little. As for that 
 
 y, for If scripture, ex inferno nulla redemption I have 
 
 .are nolle: heard it oft alleged by great clerks; but I think 
 
 ilisijia it is in the Epistle of St. Paul to the Laodiceans, 
 
 not tor or in Nicodemus’ Gospel: for I never yet 
 
 erygenii could find it in the Bible. Wherefore, this I 
 
 ethbytk will frankly say for Trajan; that wheresoever I 
 
 find a prince or a peer, with so great virtues 
 a l| seCK l and so few vices, I will honour him, love him, 
 extol him, admire him, and pronounce this of 
 jj | him; that the army is happy that hath such a 
 
 tfatlkf general, the prince happy that hath such a 
 
 counsellor, the mistress happy that hath such a 
 servant, and thus I end my prophane autho¬ 
 rities. And now I come to the divine; wherein 
 I think I shall serve you, in the banquet I have 
 , promised you, as myself have been served many 
 
 !• * * A \ 
 
 times at our commencement leasts, and such 
 
 [] a SHI? n 
 
 like, in Cambridge; that when we have been in 
 the midst of some pleasant argument, suddenly 
 the Bibler hath come, and with a loud and 
 
80 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Authorities of 
 Scripture. 
 
 audible voice begun with Incipit libri Deute- 
 ronomium, caput vicesimum tertium. And then 
 suddenly we have been all s’t tacete, and heark¬ 
 ened to the Scripture; for even so must I now, 
 after all our pleasant stories bring in, as I pro¬ 
 mised, some divine authorities; to the which I 
 pray you let us with all due reverence be 
 attentive. 
 
 In the aforesaid xxiii. chapter of Deutero¬ 
 nomy, in the 12th verse, I find this text. 
 
 12 Habebis locum extra castra ad quern 
 egrediaris ad requisita naturae . 
 
 13 Gerens paxillum in balteo , cumquesede- 
 ris,fodies per circuitum , et egeste humo operies 
 quo relevatus es . 
 
 14 Dominus enim Dens tuus ambulat in 
 medio castrorum , ut eruat te , et tradat tibi 
 inimicos tuos y et sint castra tua sancta , et nihil 
 in eis appareat fadit at is, ne derelinquat te. 
 That is: 
 
 12 Thou shalt have a place without thy 
 tents, to which thou shalt go to do thy neces¬ 
 sities of nature. 
 
 13 Carrying a spade-staff in thy hand, and 
 when thou wilt ease thee, thou shalt cut a 
 
 Or a trowel. 
 

 IS 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 81 
 
 round turf; and thou shalt cover thy excrements 
 
 IWL therewith, in the place where thou didst ease 
 
 Mkl thyself. 
 
 oni ^ 14 For the Lord thy God walketh in the 
 
 midst of thy tents to deliver thee, and to give 
 to the A thy enemies into thy hands; that thy tents may 
 
 reveres be holy, and that there appear no filthiness 
 
 in them, lest he forsake thee. 
 
 Jr of Du But metliink some may say, upon hearing of 
 
 this text. this text, what is it possible there should be 
 
 istraai such a scripture that handleth so homely mat¬ 
 
 ters? I can hardly believe it; I have always 
 
 and ofttimes when the weather hath been foul, 
 and that I have had no other book to read on, 
 
 us and have wanted company to play at cards or 
 
 d Ink at tables with me, I have read in those books 
 
 of the Old Testament, at least half an hour 
 by the clock; and yet I remember not any such 
 matter. Nay, further, I have heard a preacher 
 that hath kept an exercise a year together upon 
 the books of Moses, and hath told us of 
 
 Genesis and genealogies, of the ark and pro¬ 
 pitiatory, of pollutions, of washings, of lepro¬ 
 sies; but I never heard him talk of such a 
 
 G 
 
82 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 homely matter as this. I answer it may be so 
 very well. And therefore now I pray you, 
 sith the text is so strange to you, give me leave 
 to put you in mind of two virtuous and honest 
 observations out of this (how homely soever) 
 yet holy Scripture. One, to be thankful to 
 our Saviour for his mercies; the other, to 
 be faithful to our sovereign for her merits. 
 We may thank God that all these servile 
 ceremonies, which St. Paul calleth the works 
 of the law, as circumcision, new moons, sab¬ 
 baths, washings, cleansings, with touch not, 
 handle not, eat not, &c. are now taken away 
 and quite abolished by the Gospel; which hath 
 now made Omnia munda mundis . And as 
 St. Augustine saith, instead of ceremonies, 
 cumbersome, infinite, intolerable, impossible, 
 hath given sacraments, easy, few, sweet, and 
 gracious; and hath taught us, instead of hearing 
 Fac hoc et vives , to say now to him, Da Domine 
 quodjubes. Secondly, where as it seems you 
 never heard this text preached on, you may 
 bless in your soul, and pray for her Majesty's 
 so peaceable and prosperous reign; this text 
 being not fit for peace and a pulpit, but only 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 83 
 
 tmayks 
 [pran* 
 ivemeler- 
 sand 
 nely m 
 Will 
 he o4ei ? i 
 r her mn 
 these set. 
 Atkeie 
 r mooLSi* 
 h touch 
 w taken aw 
 I; which 
 & til 
 ' cerenm 
 5, imposi' 
 r, sweeU 
 ad of Ifl® 
 i,m 
 
 it seem.';' 
 on, you® 
 her Map 
 ign; fa 
 Ipit, butofi? 
 
 for war and a camp. And therefore, though I 
 hope we shall never have cause to hear such a 
 scripture preached in England, yet those that 
 serve in other countries, both have and shall 
 hear it thus applied (and that oft not without 
 need); viz. that though now to the clean, all 
 things are clean, yet still we must have a special 
 care of cleanliness and wholesomeness, even 
 for the things here spoken of; and if for such 
 things, how much more for rapes, thefts, mur¬ 
 ders, blasphemies; things (as God knows) too 
 common in all our camps. Ne Dominus Deus 
 noster , qui ambulat in medio castrorum dere- 
 linquat nos; least the Lord our God, that 
 walketh in the midst of our tents, should for¬ 
 sake us. And even in the time of the sweetest 
 peace, methinks I could also say, here at home, 
 that it is an irreverent thing for churches 
 ordained for prayer, and churchyards appointed 
 for burial, to be polluted and defiled as if they 
 were kennels and dunghills. 
 
 And I have thought sometime with myself, 
 that if I were but half so great an officer under 
 our most gracious Empress, who is indeed 
 worthy, and only worthy to be Trajan’s mis- 
 g 2 
 
84 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 tress, as Plinius Secundus was under that 
 Trajan, I would write for the mending of such 
 a loathsome fault in my neighbour town of 
 Bath (where many noble persons are oft an¬ 
 noyed with it), as Pliny did for Amestris. Yet 
 why may I not by poetica licentia, and by an 
 honest and necessary figure (in this age) called 
 reprehensio , imagine myself for half an hour 
 to be Secundus; and suppose some other, that 
 perhaps at this hour is not far from Trajan’s 
 country, to be that worthiest Trajan? For 
 though in the English grammar, the feminine 
 gender is more worthy than the masculine, the 
 
 which rule I wish long may hold; yet least 
 There i» a Co- old Priscian should say I brake his head when 
 rSdaml^va- I never came near him, I will keep me in this 
 
 pulans; where ... ... 
 
 if one should my pleasant imitation within such an honest 
 
 say ignern 
 
 /,anc, Prisdan limitation, as shall be free from all just repre- 
 
 would cry, his 7 j r 
 
 broken. ere hension, and write instead of C. PL Secundus 
 
 Trajano. Imp . Salutem . 
 
 Hcec tibi Trajano , terraque marique remoto, 
 
 Scribit Misacmos , nulli pielate Secundus. 
 
 “ The City of Bath (my lord) being both 
 poor enough and proud enough, hath since 
 her Highness being there, wonderfully beautified 
 
SIS 
 
 OF AJAX. 
 
 So 
 
 itself in fine houses for victualling and lodging, 
 
 but decays as fast in their ancient and honest 
 trades of merchandise and clothing: the fair 
 church her Highness gave order should be 
 re-edified, stands at a stay; and their common 
 sewer, which before stood in an ill place, stands 
 now in no place, for they have not any at all; 
 which for a town so plentifully served of water, 
 in a country so well provided of stone, in a 
 place resorted unto so greatly (being at two 
 times of the year, as it were, the pilgrimage of 
 health to all saints), methink seemeth an un¬ 
 worthy and dishonourable thing; wherefore if 
 your lordship would authorize me, or some 
 wiser than me, to take a strict account of the 
 
 keep me be money, by her Majesty’s gracious grant gathered 
 
 sucbol and to gathered, which in the opinion of 
 
 1 all just nf many cannot be less than ten thousand pounds 
 
 IflM (though not to wrong them, I think they have 
 
 bestowed upon the point of ten thousand 
 
 pounds abating but one cipher), I would not 
 
 doubt, of a ruinate church to make a reverent 
 church, and of an unsavoury town a most 
 
 [Alai* sweet town. 
 
 V ' 
 
 rfullybeaiiS “ This I do the rather write, because your 
 
86 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 lordship, and the rest of her Majesty’s most 
 honourable counsel, thought me once worthy 
 to be steward of that town, but that the wiser 
 counsel of the town thought it not meet, out of 
 a deeper reach; lest, being already their poor 
 neighbour, this increase might have made my 
 estate too great among them. For indeed the 
 fee belonging to it, and some other commodities 
 annexed, might have been worth to me, de claro 
 viis et modis, per annum CCCClxxx.d. 
 
 “ Moreover, I am to certify your lordship, 
 that the spring taken out of the hot bath into 
 the private, doth not annoy or prejudice the 
 virtue of the hot bath, as her Majesty hath 
 been lately informed: and it is not unneces¬ 
 sary, for some honourable persons that come 
 thither, sometimes to have such a private bath.” 
 But now I pray you let us hearken to the 
 Scripture, for the bibler is not yet come to Tu 
 autem . 
 
 I find also in the second and third chapter 
 of Nehemias, which some call the second 
 book of Esdras, where he tells how nobody 
 but he and his ass went to survey the city, 
 Et ingressus sum ad portarn rallis nocte } et 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 87 
 
 antefont em draconis, et ad port am stercoris y et 
 
 considerabam murum Jerusalem dissipatum y et 
 
 port as ejus consumptas igni . And in the third 
 
 chapter, shewing who repaired all the ruins, 
 
 Et portam vallis cedificavit Hanum, et habita - 
 
 tores Zanoe, ipsi edificaverunt eam,et statuerunt 
 
 valvas ejus , et seras, et vectes, et mille cubitos 
 
 in muro usque ad portam sterquilinii . Et 
 
 portam sterquilinii cedificavit Melchias filius 
 
 Rhecab princeps , etc . And the gate of the 
 
 valley built Hanum and the inhabitants of 
 
 Zanoe; they built it, and they made the leaves 
 
 of the gate, and the locks, and the hinges, and 
 
 a thousand cubits in the wall, even to the dung 
 
 gate: and Melchias, son of Rhecab, being 
 
 Prince of Bethacharan, built the dung gate. There is a no¬ 
 ble and learn- 
 
 I would have said, save-reverence the dung ed lady, dow- 
 
 ager to the 
 
 gate, but that Nehemias, who was a gentleman J^ J °£ n at 
 well brought up, and a courtier, and had been 
 a sew er and cup-bearer to Artaxerxes, w rites it ^nce. 
 as I have recited it. 
 
 But now to the purpose; perhaps you will 
 say, that this makes nothing to the present 
 argument, that the gate is called doungate; for 
 we have a gate in London called Dougate, that 
 
88 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 with a little dash with a pen will seem to be 
 the same gate, and yet hath no great affinity 
 with the matter: and on the other side, there is 
 a place with a glorious title of Queen Hithe, 
 and yet it was ordained for my lady Cloacina; 
 I grant it might be so, for so there is a parish 
 by London called Hornsey, w hich is an ungra¬ 
 cious crooked name, and yet I verily persuade 
 me, that the most glorious or gracious street in 
 London, hath more horns in it sometime, either 
 visible or invisible, than all the other parish. 
 But concerning the gate in Jerusalem, called 
 Porta stercoris, I find it was so called, because 
 it lay on the east side of the city, toward the 
 brook Cedron, whither all the rain-water of the 
 city, and all other conveyances ran, as they do 
 out of the city of London into the Thames: 
 and that being so, and the city so populous, 
 the gate might well be called Porta stercoris. 
 Now, without the city, I find mentioned another 
 place ordained for the like purpose, to carry 
 out all such filth as the rain could not w ash 
 away, and had no common passage; and that 
 w as the valley of Hinnon, which seems by the 
 map to lie south-east and by south to the 
 
* 
 
 emtok 
 at afe 
 le,tbi 
 
 Clm 
 is a pa 
 s an me, 
 yperw 
 'Usstmi! 
 time,® 
 her paiii 
 lem,cal 
 id,koe 
 towards 
 ateroli 
 astku 
 i Thai? 
 popik 
 jstm 
 ledaoi 
 6 , 10 ® 
 Inot^ 
 
 ; andtk 
 
 inis byi 
 tii to* 
 
 OF AJAX. 89 
 
 temple; and thither, I say, the scavengers car¬ 
 ried their loading, as they do at London beyond 
 Golding Lane. And therefore in the New The Brick- 
 Testament it is called gelienna , and taken for 
 hell; and if you have a mind to know how I 
 come by this divinity, trust me if you will: I 
 come by it as true men come by their goods. 
 
 For so it is, that not long since there dwelt in 
 Bath a schoolmaster, a man whom I favoured 
 much, for his sake that sent him thither. But 
 he had not been there long, but a controversy 
 arose betwixt him and some preachers there¬ 
 about, among whom we have too many that 
 study nothing but the controversies; and it came, 
 after many disputes on both sides, at last to 
 writing and publishing of books. And the 
 schoolmaster (though being no preacher) wrote 
 a book with this title, That Christ descended 
 not into hell; the very sight of which title 
 being flat contradictory to an article of the 
 Creed, I remember I said of the man, as Hay¬ 
 wood saith in his proverbs, that hereafter, 
 
 He might be of my pater noster indeed , 
 
 But sure he should never come in my creed. 
 
 And therefore I might repute him as a good 
 
90 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 humanist, but I should ever doubt him for a 
 good divine. Now, as I say, hearing in these 
 disputes and sermons, divers names of hell 
 throughly sifted; as Ades, Tartar os, Infernum, 
 Stagnum ardens , and last of all, Gehenna; 
 which last I was most used to, as having an 
 old verse when I was at Eton, of a peacock; 
 
 Angelus in penna, pede latro voce gehenna, 
 
 A bird that hath an angel's plume , 
 
 A thievish pace, a hellish tune. 
 
 Consequently, I observed, that our honest and 
 learned preacher of Bath, M. R.M. first proved 
 hell to be a local place (if not circumscripture , 
 yet at least definitive): then he shewed the 
 etymology of the word gehenna to be derived 
 in Greek of yn kcu iwov , that is, the earth or 
 valley of Hinnon; then he told, that this place 
 was as it were the common dunghill or mikson 
 of the whole town; that the Jews had used in 
 this valley to make their children pass through 
 the fire, as a sacrifice to the devil, according to 
 the psalm of David; They offered their sons 
 and daughters unto devils. Finally, that our 
 Saviour, to make a more fearful impression in 
 their hearts of the pains of hell indeed, which 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 
 bim£) 
 A? inf* 
 ieso ii 
 
 ,Gh 
 
 i bavioj, 
 peacca 
 
 **>, 
 
 honesi 
 
 bp 
 
 Mi 
 bet 
 heearti; 
 ttto|fc 
 lor mb 
 iad usedi 
 sstte 
 :corfc 
 their» 
 v, liat« 
 iresstt* 
 ed,^ 
 
 91 
 
 they knew not, used the name of this hellish 
 place, which they knew that had in it these 
 hateful hellish properties, smoke, stink, horrible 
 cries, and torment. But lest you should 
 think I speak as a parrot, nothing but what I 
 have heard another say, let me add somewhat 
 of mine own poor reading, and that shall be 
 this; that this valley of Hinnon was once for 
 the sweet air, fine groves, fair walks, and green 
 and pleasant fields, comparable with any place 
 about Jerusalem; but when the abominable 
 idol of Moloch was erected in it, whose por¬ 
 traiture was like a king, having the head of a 
 calf, all of brass, and hollow within; unto 
 which (most inhumanly) they sacrificed human 
 flesh, yea their own children; and to the end 
 that the wicked parents might not feel remorse 
 of the woful cries of the wretched children, 
 they danced a strange medley about the fire, 
 having music suitable to such mirth, of drums 
 and Jew’s-harps (for I think hornpipes and bag¬ 
 pipes were not then found out): I say, these 
 abominations being there committed, the good 
 Josias driven to use an extreme medicine to so 
 extreme a malady, first burned and brake all to 
 
 i 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 92 
 
 pieces the horrible idol; and then, in detestation 
 of the abuses there committed, cut down the 
 fine groves, tore up the sweet pastures, defaced 
 the pleasant walks; and to the end that all 
 passengers should fly from it, that were wont 
 to frequent it, he caused all filthy carrion, dead 
 dogs and horses, all the filth of the streets, and 
 whatsoever hateful and ugly things could be 
 a reverend imagined, to be carried thither. And this, 0 
 me, that the Josias, was thy zealous reformation: but, alas! 
 
 Brownists 
 
 have written a how little do some that pretend thy name, 
 ma«on! to°this participate thy nature. They pull down Moloch, 
 pose!* 18 Pur* but set up Baal-peor and Beelzebub; their 
 lean devotion thinks the hill of the Lord is too 
 fat; their envious eye serves them, like Aretino’s 
 spectacles, to make all seem bigger than it 
 should be: they learn the Babylonian’s song 
 in the Psalms; 
 
 Down, down with it at any hand, 
 
 Make all things plain, let nothing stand. 
 
 They care neither for good letters nor good 
 lives; but only out of the spoils to get good 
 livings, our good lord bishops must be made 
 poor superintendants, that they might super¬ 
 intend the goodly lordships of rich bishopricks; 
 

 etesti; 
 
 dowit 
 
 itki 
 we* 
 nioDjii 
 itre€ts,a 
 scoiiit 
 od fe 
 
 m 
 
 thy m 
 vnMoloc 
 bub; tk 
 Lordisti 
 ;e Areto: 
 ;er the; 
 Qiao's« 
 
 id. 
 
 i norf 
 ) 
 
 the®* 
 git sop 
 ishopi 
 
 OF AJAX. 93 
 
 and then we that be simple fellows, must 
 believe that they offer us Josias’ reformation: 
 whereas indeed it savours not of that in any 
 thing but the ill savour; for as Josias defaced 
 a fair field, and made it spurcitiarum latrinam , 
 so they would ruinate our cathedral churches, 
 and make them spelunca latronam , as my good 
 friend Hary-Osto, or mine Host Hary saith of 
 the pagan Rodomont, after his host had ended 
 his knavish tale. 
 
 He makes the church (oh, horrible abuse) 
 
 Serve him for his prophane ungodly use. 
 
 Wherefore let them call themselves what 
 they list; but if they learn no better lessons of 
 Josias, but to turn sweet fields to stinking 
 dunghills, they shall make no new Jaxes in 
 England by my consent; and I hope my device 
 shall serve to mend many that be now amiss 
 with an honester and easier reformation; and I 
 doubt not but the magistrate that hath charge 
 to see ne quid respub, detrimenti capiat , will 
 provide, least our receipts prove deceipts, our 
 auditors frauditors, and our reformation defor¬ 
 mation, and so all run headlong to gehenna; 
 where the sport will be torment, the music 
 
 S 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Isawe C.3.24 
 Et eiit pro 
 ftiavi odores 
 foetor. 
 
 94 
 
 clamours, the prospect smoke, and the perfume 
 stink. Which two last, I mean smoke and 
 stink, I have verily persuaded me, are two of 
 those pains of hell, which they call pana sen - 
 sus: which pain St. Augustine affirms may 
 also torment aerial or spiritual bodies; as partly 
 appears in the story of Tobias, where a wicked 
 spirit was driven away with the smoke of a 
 broiled liver; and therefore I have endeavoured 
 in my poor buildings to avoid those two incon¬ 
 veniences as much as I may. As for the two 
 other annoyances, that the old proverb joineth 
 to one of these, saying, there are three things 
 that make a man weary of his house; a smoking 
 chimney, a dropping eaves, and a brawling 
 woman, I would no less willingly avoid them. 
 But when storms come, I must, as my neigh¬ 
 bours do, bear that with patience which I 
 cannot reform with choler, and learn of the 
 good Socrates, who when Xantippe had 
 crowned him with a chamber-pot he bare it off 
 single with his head and shoulders, and said to 
 such as laughed at him for it, 
 
 It never yet was deem'd a wonder , 
 
 To see that rain should follow thunder . 
 
M, 
 
 s 
 
 thepe{| 
 i smflbt 
 > are to. 
 
 iffflii 
 affirms i 
 es; aspp 
 lereasrit 
 smoke:; 
 endem 
 etwok 
 i forth 
 iverbjoffi 
 threefc 
 ;; a smoiT 
 a \m 
 avoid is 
 i dijd^ 
 :e fkili 
 tamofi 
 tippe k 
 
 mdsaid: 
 
 OF AJAX. 95 
 
 And to the intent you may see, that I am 
 not only groundedly studied in the reformation 
 of ajax, which I have chosen for the project 
 of this discourse, but that I am also superfi¬ 
 cially seen in these three other matters of 
 shrewd importance to all good house-keepers; 
 I will not be dangerous of my cunning, but I 
 will venture my pen and my pains, if you will 
 lend but your eyes or your ears, though I per¬ 
 haps shall have more fists about my ears than 
 mine own for it. First, therefore for the house, 
 I will teach you a verse for it, that I think M. 
 Tusser taught me, or else now I may teach it 
 his son. 
 
 To keep your house dry , you must always in summer , 
 
 Give money to the mason , the tiler , and plumber . 
 
 For the shrewd wife, read the book of Taming 
 a Shrew, which hath made a number of us so 
 perfect, that now every one can rule a shrew in 
 our country, save he that hath her. But indeed 
 there are but two good rules. One is, let 
 them never have their wills; the other differs 
 but a letter, let them ever have their wills; the 
 first is the wiser, but the second is more in 
 request, and therefore I make choice of it. 
 
96 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 one taught an Lastly, for smoking chimneys, many reme- , 
 
 to keep a ciiim- dies have been studied; but one excellent and 
 
 ney from smo- 
 
 king, and a P ri. infallible way is found out among some of the 
 
 vy from stink- _ # 
 
 ma4eyour°fire S reat architects of this age, namely to make no 
 Ind^toSthe ^ re * n them; and by the same rule they may 
 the S chimiei” have ver y sweet Jaxes too. But the best way 
 I have found, is out of Cardan partly, but as I 
 think mended by practice of some of my 
 neighbours of Bath; who make things like 
 
mm 
 
 
 OF AJAX. 97 
 
 because they make of wood, is dangerous for 
 fire; but being made of thin copper plates, or 
 
 of old kettles, will be as light and without K 
 
 danger: but this is supererogation, and more 
 
 than I promised you. But now to come 
 
 home again, though home be never so homely, 
 
 the fourth annoyance, though it be left out of 
 
 the proverb, may compare with two of the 
 
 other three, which is a stinking privy; which 
 
 makes a man wish sometimes, save for an 
 
 ornament of the face (as Heywood saith), to 
 
 have no nose: 
 
 Most of our savours be more sour than sweet: 
 
 A nose then or no nose , which is most meet ? 
 
 And for the reformation of this, many I 
 doubt not have ere this beaten their brains, 
 and strained very hard, to have found out some 
 remedy; but yet still I find all my good friends 
 houses greatly annoyed with it. 
 
 But yet, ere I come to discover this exact 
 and exquisite form that I have promised, let 
 me add a word or two out of the good and 
 wholesome rules of physic, both for authorising 
 the homely words so oft used, as for proving 
 that the matter in their faculty is specially 
 H 
 
98 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 regarded; for divers that are otherwise very 
 dainty and curious, yet for their health sake, 
 will endure both to hear homely language, to 
 see sluttish sights, to taste dirty drugs, and to 
 shew secret sores, according to the Italian 
 proverb; 
 
 Al confessore, medico , et advocato, 
 
 Non deve tener cosa celato. 
 
 From your confessor , lawyer, and physician , 
 
 Hide not your case on no condition . 
 
 No man therefore is either so ignorant or so 
 impudent, as either not to know, or not to con¬ 
 fess, that the honourable science of physic 
 embaseth itself oft-times about the care of this 
 business: for whereto serveth, I pray you, 
 fiant clisteria,jiant pillules, jiant potiones,fiant 
 pessi. But fie on it, it makes me almost sick 
 to talk of them; sure I am, the house I treat 
 of, is as it were the centre to which they must 
 all fall, first or last; and many times, I think, 
 first were wholesomer of the two. But to 
 enforce my proofs, though shortly yet soundly, 
 I will not bring any peculiar prescripts out 
 of Galen and Hippocrates, lest you should 
 appose against them Asclepiades or Paracel- 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 99 
 
 sus; nor stand long to dilate of the empirical 
 physic, or the dogmatical and the methodical; 
 of all which, if I should say all I could, I fear 
 me not so much that physicians would take 
 me for a fool, as that- fools will take me for a 
 physician. I will therefore set down as it 
 were certain authentical rules, out of a general 
 council of physicians, and that sent by common 
 consent to a great king of England; against 
 which, if any doctor should except, he must 
 ipso facto be counted an heretic. This there¬ 
 fore I find of my text in that book that 
 begins, 
 
 Anglorum regi, scribit schola tota salemi. 
 
 For when he hath been advised to make choice 
 of three physicians, 
 
 Hcec tria: mens Iceta, requies , moderata dieta. 
 
 Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Mer- 
 ryman. Then they admonish him of many 
 particulars for his health, for his food, for his 
 house, &c. Which if they might with good 
 manners write to a king, then I may without 
 incivility recite to a kinsman. # 
 
 Si vis incolumen, si vis te vivere sanum, 
 
 Curas tolle graves irasci crede profanum, 
 
 * H 2 
 
100 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Parcc mcro, ccenato parum nee sit tibi vanum, 
 
 Surgere post epulas, somnurnfuge meridianum. 
 
 Nee mictum retine, nee comprime fort iter anum, etc. 
 
 The Salem school doth by these lines impart 
 Health to the British king, ami doth advise, 
 
 From cares thy head to free, from wrath thy heart; 
 Drink not much wine, sup light, and soon arise. 
 
 After thy meat, ’twixt meals keep wake thine eyes. 
 
 And when to nature’s needs provok'd thou art, 
 
 Do not forbear the sa7ne in any icise: 
 
 So shall thou live long time with little smai't. 
 
 Lo! what a special lesson for health they 
 teach, to take your opportunity so oft as it is 
 offered of going to those businesses. Then 
 soon after, to let you know how wholesome it is 
 to break wind, they tell four diseases that come 
 by forbearing it; 
 
 Quatuor ex vento veniunt in ventre retento. 
 
 Spasmus, hydrops, colica, vertigo, quatuor ista. 
 
 But most specially making for my purpose, 
 both for word and matter, 
 
 Aer sit mundus, habitabilis ac luminosus, 
 
 Infectus neque sit, nec olens,fcetore cloaca. 
 
 Which as a principal lesson, to be learned by 
 builders, I will set down in verse. 
 
 A builder that will follotv wise direction, 
 
 Must first ffh'esee before his house he makes, 
 
 That the air be clear, and free from all infection, 
 
 And not annoy'd with stench of any Jakes. 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 101 
 
 For indeed, let your house be never so well 
 apparelled, never so well plaistered and painted, 
 if she have a stinking breath I shall never like 
 of my lodging. Lastly, there be two other 
 verses, with which I will end these school 
 authorities. 
 
 Multiplicant mictum } ventrem dant mespila strictum. 
 
 Post pyra da potum, post pomum vade cacatum . 
 
 And thus I take it, I end this part of my dis¬ 
 course with a well chosen verse to the purpose: 
 yet ere you go, take this with you in prose; 
 that many physicians do hold, that the plague, 
 the measles, the hemorrhoids, the small-pox, 
 and perhaps the great ones too, with the 
 Jistula in ano , and many of those inward dis¬ 
 eases, are no way sooner gotten, than by the 
 savour of other excrements upon unwhole¬ 
 some privies. Wherefore I will now draw to 
 the conclusion of this same tedious discourse, 
 for it is high time now to take away the board; 
 and I see you are almost full of our homely 
 fare, and perhaps you have been used to your 
 dainties of potatoes , of caveare , eringoes, plums 
 of Genoa; all which may well increase your 
 appetite to several evacuations: we will there- 
 
102 THE METAMORPHOSIS OF AJAX. 
 
 fore now (according to the physic we learned 
 even now) rise and stretch our legs a little, and 
 anon I will put on my boots and go a piece of 
 the way with you, and discourse of the rest: 
 in the mean time myself will go perhaps to the 
 house we talk of, though manners would, 
 
 I offered you the French courtesy, 
 to go with me to the place 
 where a man might very 
 kindly finish this 
 discourse. 
 
 (***> 
 

 ileanw 
 
 t piece! 
 fcwt 
 apstoi 
 lull 
 
 ib e Form, attD tjoto it map lie reformed 
 
 THIRD SECTION; 
 
 THE 
 
 ce 
 
 Now therefore to come where we left last, 
 
 for I know you would fain have your instruc¬ 
 tions ere you go home, as soon as I have 
 given my horse some breath up this hill, I will 
 ride along with you, so you will ride a sober 
 pace; for I love not to ride with these goose¬ 
 chasing youths, that post still to their journeys 
 end, and when they come thither they cannot 
 remember what business they have there, but 
 that they had even as much in the place they 
 came from. 
 
 These inconveniences being so great, and 
 the greater because so general, if there be a 
 way with little cost, with much cleanliness, 
 with great felicity, and some pleasure to avoid 
 them, were it not rather a sin to conceal it, 
 
 iS 
 
 -— 
 
104 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 than a shame to utter it? Wherefore shame to 
 them that shame think; for I will confess 
 frankly to you, both how much I was troubled 
 with the annoyance, and what I have found 
 for the remedy. For when I have found 
 not only in mine own poor confused cottage, 
 but even in the goodliest and stateliest palaces 
 of this realm, notwithstanding all our provi¬ 
 sions of vaults, of sluices, of grates, of pains of 
 poor folks in sweeping and scouring, yet still 
 this same whoreson saucy stink, though he 
 were commanded on pain of death not to come 
 within the gates, yet would spite of our noses, 
 even when we would gladliest have spared his 
 company, prease to the fair ladies chambers; 
 I began to conceive such a malice against all 
 the race of him, that I vowed to be at deadly 
 feud with them, till I had brought some of the 
 chiefest of them to utter confusion; and con¬ 
 ferring some principles of philosophy I had 
 read, and some conveyances of architecture I 
 had seen, with some devices of others I had 
 heard, and some practises of mine own I had 
 paid tor, I found out at last this w 7 ay that is 
 after described, and a marvellous easy and 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 105 
 
 iamtt 
 m 
 troi 
 vefo® 
 ?efd 
 lcotte(i 
 it pis 
 urp 
 Ipift 
 ; ( yetii 
 
 it toe® 
 mm. 
 
 at dot 
 neofi 
 andw 
 by IW 
 
 itectf! 
 ersIU 
 wil W 
 : y tbatf 
 •asy a* 
 
 cheap way it is; and I dare speak it upon my The principles 
 
 . . . are these, Aer 
 
 credit, not without good experience, that though no « penetrat 
 it be neither far-fetched nor dear-bought, yet ra non P atitur 
 
 o 7 j vacuum. 
 
 it is good for ladies; and there be few houses 
 that may not have the benefit of it: for there 
 be few great and well contrived houses, but 
 have vaults and secret passages made under 
 ground to convey away both the ordure and 
 other noisome things, as also the rain-water 
 that falls into the courts; which being cleanly 
 in respect of the eye, yet because they must 
 of force have many vents, they are oft noisome 
 in regard of the smell; especially in houses of 
 office that stand high from the ground; the 
 tuns of them drawing up the air as a chimney 
 doth smoke: by which it comes to pass many 
 times (especially if the wind stand at the mouth 
 of the vaults), that what with fish water coming 
 from the kitchens, blood and garbage of fowls, 
 washing of dishes, and the excrements of 
 other houses joined together, and all these in 
 moist weather, stirred a little with some small 
 stream of rain water; for as the proverb is, 
 
 ’Tis noted as the nature of a sink , 
 
 Ever the more it is stirred, the more to stink . 
 
 
106 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 I say these, thus meeting together, make such 
 a quintessence of a stink, that if Paracelsus 
 were alive, his art could not devise to extract 
 a stronger. Now because the most unavoid- 
 able of all these things that keep such a stink¬ 
 ing stir, or such a stink when they be stirred, 
 is urine and ordure, that which we all carry 
 about us (a good speculation to make us 
 remember what we are, and whither we must); 
 therefore, as I said before, many have devised 
 remedies for this in times past, some not many 
 years since, and I this last year; of all which, 
 I will make choice only of two beside mine 
 own to speak off; because men of good judg¬ 
 ment have allowed them for good: but yet (as 
 the ape doth his young ones) I think mine the 
 properest of them all. 
 
 The first and the ancientest is, to make a 
 close vault in the ground, widest in the bottom, 
 and narrower upward; and to floor the same 
 with hot lime and tarns, or some such dry 
 paving as may keep out all water, and air also; 
 for if it be so close as no air can come in, it 
 doth as it were smother the savour, like to the 
 snuffers or extinguishers wherewith we put out 
 

 ale sod 
 araci 
 
 imai 
 lai 
 >e$ta 
 all or 
 males 
 wen; 
 re (let. 
 mote 
 aMi 
 ?sidei 
 
 to 
 
 [mints 
 
 to male 
 lebott® 
 ties# 
 such i; 
 dairafco: 
 
 )meM 
 
 ikelotk 
 e puto^ 
 
 OF AJAX. 107 
 
 a candle; and this stands with good reason, 
 that seeing it is his nature to make the worse 
 savour the more he is stirred, and nothing 
 makes him keep a more stinking stir than a 
 little wind and water: surely there can be little 
 or no annoyance of him in this kind of house, 
 where he shall lie so quietly. But against this 
 is to be objected, that if there be a little cranny 
 in the w r all as big as a straw, or if the ground 
 stand upon winter springs, or be subject as most 
 places under ground, are, to give with moist 
 weather, then at such times it must needs 
 offend. 
 
 Besides, in a prince’s house, where so 
 many mouths be fed, a close vault will fill 
 quickly; and that objection did my Lord of 
 Leicester make to Sir John Young, at his last 
 being at Bristow; who commended to my 
 Lord that fashion, and shewed him his own of 
 a worse fashion, and told him that at a friends 
 house of his at Peter-hill in London, there was 
 a very sweet privy of that making. 
 
 Another way is, either upon close or open 
 vaults, so to place the sieges or seats, as behind 
 them may rise tuns of chimneys, to draw all 
 
108 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 the ill airs upwards: of which kind I may be 
 bold to say, that our house of Lincoln’s Inn 
 putteth down all that have been made afore it, 
 and is indeed, both in reason and experience, a 
 means to avoid much of the annoyance that is 
 wont to come off them, and keepeth the place 
 all about much the sweeter. But yet, to speak 
 truly, this is hot safe from all infection or 
 annoyance while one is there, as my sense hath 
 told me; for 
 
 Sensns non fallitur in proprio objecto . 
 
 Or perhaps, by the strict words of the statute, 
 it ought to be so; and fhat but two parts may 
 be devised away, and a third must remain to 
 the heir; for I dare undertake, go thither when 
 you will, your next heir at the common house, 
 whatsoever charge he is at in the suit, I am sure 
 he may be made a savour, at least for the ter - 
 tiam partem above all reprises, if the fault be 
 not his own. And further, when the weather 
 is not calm, the wind is so unruly that it will 
 force the ill airs down the chimneys; and not 
 draw them up, as we see it doth in chimneys 
 where fire is made, force down the smoke, 
 notwithstanding that the very nature of fire 
 
V 1 
 
 OF AJAX. 109 
 
 helpeth to enforce it upward; whereas these 
 moist vapours are apt (even of their own 
 nature) to spread abroad, and hang like a dew 
 about every thing. Wherefore, though I am 
 but a punie of Lincoln’s Inn, and the builder Puisne. 
 hereof was a bencher, yet I will under refor¬ 
 mation, prefer my device afore his; either 
 because it is better, or else, out of the common 
 fault of young men in this age, that we think 
 our devices wiser than our elders. Yet with 
 this respective modesty, that because my device 
 is with water, where that cannot be had, or 
 where houses stand on* an exceeding hat, there 
 I will leave the work to his oversight; but 
 where any convenient current is, and no want 
 of water, there I would be surveyor: and so to 
 divide the regiment, that if for the dry land ser¬ 
 vice he be general, for the water service I will 
 be admiral. Yet, by the way, I hope all the 
 inns of court w ill gratulate the present flourish- a true praise 
 
 r of Lincoln’s 
 
 ing estate of Lincoln’s Inn: not so much for Iuii - 
 furnishing the realm with most honourable, 
 upright, and well learned magistrates, great 
 sergeants, grave counsellors, towardly barris¬ 
 ters, young gallants of worth and spirit sans 
 
THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 M. Plat set 
 forth a book 
 of engines. 
 
 Ariost. Cant. 
 20 . 
 
 110 
 
 nombre; but also (that I may now deal with 
 my equals, and not with my ancients) with two 
 such rare engineers, me for this one device, and 
 Master Plat for very many. Or if envy will 
 not suffer them to give us due honour, let us 
 two, M. Plat, at least grace one another: and 
 I am the willinger to offer this kindness to you, 
 because I was advised by some to have recom¬ 
 mended this device to your illustrations, which 
 I was very like to have done, save that we are 
 of no great acquaintance; and beside I have a 
 little ambitious humour of mine own to be 
 counted a deviser; though to clear me of pride, 
 you see my first practice is upon so base a 
 subject, as I hope nobody will envy me, or 
 seek to take it from me : as the sweet Zerbino 
 said to Marfysa, of the ugly Gabrina; 
 
 You have so sweet a piece to cany by you, 
 
 As you are sure that no man will envy you . 
 
 And after he had played a word or two with 
 them, he concluded, 
 
 Ben siate accopiati Io jurerei, 
 
 Se come essa e bella tu gagliardo sei. 
 
 No doubt you are a fitly matched pair, 
 
 If you as lusty be, as she is fair. 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 Ill 
 
 But when they had done breaking of jests 
 one on another, and that it came to breaking of 
 staves, the peerless Prince (for his oath sake) 
 was fain to take that most hateful hag into his 
 protection. And so I suppose, that some may 
 play in like sort upon me and my writing, and 
 say, 
 
 The writer and the matter well may meet, 
 
 Were he as eloquent as it is sweet . 
 
 But if they do, let them take heed that in one 
 place or other of this pamphlet they do not 
 pull themselves by the nose, as the proverb is. 
 
 But that you may see, M. Plat, I have studied 
 your book with some observation, if you would 
 teach me your secret of making artificial coal, some conjee- 
 
 fKof cfoli 
 
 . T r iiue, UIrtl 
 
 and multiplying barley (though 1 fear me both and cow <iung 
 
 the means will smell a little of kin to M. A jax), boththescmui- 
 
 " tiplications. 
 
 I assure you I would take it very kindly: and 
 we two might have a suit together for a mono¬ 
 poly ; you of your coal as you mention in your 
 book, and I of M. reformed a jax : and if you 
 will trust me to draw the petitions, you shall 
 see I will get some of the precedents of the 
 starch and the vinegar, and make it carry as 
 good a shew of reason and good to the com- 
 
112 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 monwealth as theirs doth. As, first, for yours 
 I would frame these reasons; I would shew 
 the excellent commodity of iron-mills (for if 
 you speak against them your suit will be dasht 
 straight): I would prove how they reduce wild 
 and savage woods, to civil and fruitful pastures: 
 I would allege they are good for maintenance 
 of navigation, in respect that every ship, what 
 with his cast pieces, anchors, bolts, and nails, 
 hath half as many tons of iron as tiinber to it: 
 I would say, it is a commodity to the subject; 
 considering they sell it for twelve or fourteen 
 pound the ton, and when it came out of Spain 
 or Holland, it was sold but for eight pound. 
 The like also I would say for glass; and so 
 concluding, that the woods must needs be 
 spent upon these two (as doubtless they will 
 in a short time), then your device for artifi¬ 
 cial coal, of how homely stuff soever you make 
 it, will be both regarded and rewarded. And 
 thus perhaps making some great man your 
 half, you may have an imposition of a tenth 
 or a fifth of every chaldron of your fuel. And 
 though it should poison all the town with the 
 ill savour (as the brewhouse by Whitehall doth 
 
 

 ■JH 
 
 Ur 
 
 (M 
 
 eUi 
 
 icerj 
 
 ife 
 
 ■to: 
 
 ft* 
 id Hi 
 inttot 
 snip 
 (oils 
 )fSpa 
 tpo« 
 iril 
 rid 
 tbetd 
 oraii 
 ■ouri 
 
 m 
 
 ao # 
 aietf 
 
 n'illk 
 
 0 
 
 OF AJAX. 113 
 
 her Highness , own house and all Cannon-row), 
 yet what for necessity, and what for favour, it 
 should be suffered. And never fear that the 
 price of your coal will fall by cherishing of 
 woods; for now Sir Walter Mildmay is dead, 
 you shall have few men will busy themselves 
 about any of these public inconveniences; or The author 
 
 . . . . could have 
 
 if his honest successor would attempt it, he said honour- 
 
 able of both; 
 
 should, I fear me, have small hope to prevail, but he takes 
 
 11 honesty in this 
 
 in that which so honest a predecessor could 
 not. 
 
 Now, for my monopoly, I would ask but 
 this trifling suit, and 1 would make these goodly 
 pretences. First, because I have proved by 
 good authors, that m. a jax is lineally descended 
 of the ancient house of Stercutius , and to 
 have lived long under protection of Dea 
 Cloacina> * and to have been prayed for by so 
 many holy saints, I would procure (if the traf¬ 
 fic were as open with Rome as it hath been), 
 that as his progenitor Stercutius was allowed 
 for a god, by one of the first Roman Pontifices 
 Maximiy so m. ajax might be allowed for a 
 saint by Pope Sisesinke, Sixtus quintus (1 
 would have said), or one of his successors 
 
 i 
 
114 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Boccaccio 
 writes, that 
 S. Ciappelletto 
 was canonized. 
 
 If 1 had such 
 a grant, he 
 that were my 
 (heres ex hasse) 
 would be the 
 richest 'squire 
 in England. 
 
 (which if it be so easy a matter, as Boccaccio 
 and other Italian authors write, will not be very 
 chargeable); and then with some of the money 
 that you gain with the perfumed coal (if you 
 will lend it me, and I will mortgage my bull to 
 you when I have it, for payment), I will erect 
 in London and elsewhere, divers shrines to this 
 new saint; and all the fat offerings shall be 
 distributed to such poor hungry fellows as sue 
 for monopolies; which being joined to the ashes 
 of your coal, will be perhaps not uncom- 
 modious for land: and you and I will beg 
 nothing for our reward; but you, as I said afore, 
 a fifth part of every chaldron; and I, but the 
 sixth part of an assize a month, of all that 
 will not be recusants, to do their daily service 
 at these holy shrines. Now, if any do object 
 it is too great a suit (for I think it would be 
 the richest office in England), and say that it 
 would amount to more than Peter pence, and 
 Poll pence too; I would first, to stop their 
 mouths quickly, promise them a good share in 
 it; then I would amplify the service, that in 
 this devise do in some respects to the state of 
 Christianity, in a matter that St. Peter nor 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 115 
 
 Paul neither never thought of. For it is a 
 common obloquy, that the Turks (who still 
 keep the order of Deuteronomy for their 
 ordure) do object to Christians, that they are 
 poisoned with their own dung; which objection 
 cannot be answered (be it spoken with due 
 reverence to the two most excellent apostles) 
 with any sentence in both their epistles so fully 
 to satisfy the miscreant wretches, as the plain 
 demonstration and practise of my device must 
 needs answer them. 
 
 What think you, M. Plat? is not here a good 
 plat laid, that you and I may be made by for 
 ever? only, I fear one let, and that is this: I 
 hear by report there is a worthy gentleman, 
 sometime of our house, that hath now the 
 keeping of the great seal, and these suits can- i protest mi- 
 not pass but by his privity; and they say (see J^fne^s^ 
 our ill hap) he hath ever been a great enemy 
 to all these paltry concealments and mono- 
 polies; and further, they say of him, that to ^f/to be 
 beguile him with goodly shews is very difficult, llatteied 
 but to corrupt him with gifts is impossible: 
 well, if it be so, all our fat is in the fire, and 
 let the lean go after. You may make a great 
 
J 1 6 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 fire of your gains, and be never the warmer; 
 and may throw all mine into A jax, and be 
 never the poorer. Let us then make a virtue 
 of necessity; and sith we cannot get these 
 monopolies, let us say we care not for them, 
 and a vengeance on them that beg them; and 
 so we may have millions say Amen to us, and we 
 shall be thought the hgnester men; and seeing 
 I have had so ill luck in this, I would nobody 
 might ever have any more of them, till I make 
 such another suit. And if M. Plat will follow 
 my advice, he shall impart his rare devices 
 gratis, as I do this; and so we may one day be 
 A worthy mat- put into the Chronicles, as good members of 
 into a chrom- our country: more worthily than the great bear 
 
 cle, and fit for *' - 
 
 such worthy carried eight dogs on him, when Monsieur 
 
 historiogra- ° 
 
 phers - W as here. 
 
 But to leave M. Plat’s coal, which kindled 
 this fantasy in me, and to turn to my teshe; 
 though I called myself by metaphor an admiral 
 for the water-works, yet I assure you this 
 device of mine requires not a sea of water, 
 but a cistern; not a whole Thames full, but 
 half a tun full, to keep all sweet and savoury: 
 for I will undertake, from the peasants cottage 
 
 5 
 
 =s 
 
rr 
 
 Wl; 
 
 111 It 
 An 
 Mb 
 [fa, 
 
 m: an: 
 ,ife 
 
 im 
 
 M 
 
 limit 
 
 ft 
 
 te 
 
 leW 
 
 mbers« 
 
 pte 
 
 Sloob 
 
 hi* 
 ny tesk; 
 oat 
 you it 
 )[# 
 fol> 
 savomy 
 SCOtQ? 
 
 OF AJAX. 117 
 
 to the princes pallace, twice so much quantity 
 of water as is spent in drink in the house will 
 serve the turn : which if it were at Shaftsbury, 
 where water is dearest of any town, I know 
 that is no great portion. And the device is so 
 little cumbersome, as it is rather a pleasure 
 than a pain; a matter so slight, that it will 
 seem at the first incredible; so sure, that you 
 shall find it at all times infallible: for it doth 
 avoid at once all the annoyances that can be 
 imagined; the sight, the savour, the cold: which 
 last, to weak bodies, is oft more hurtful than 
 both the other, where the houses stand over 
 brooks or vaults daily cleansed with water. 
 And not to hold you too long in suspense, the 
 device is this: You shall make a false bottom 
 to that privy that you are annoyed with, either 
 of lead, or stone; the which bottom shall have 
 a sluice of brass to let out all the filth; which 
 if it be close plastered all about it, and rinsed 
 with water as oft as occasion serves, but espe¬ 
 cially at noon and at night, will keep your 
 privy as sweet as your parlour; and perhaps 
 sweeter too, if Quail and Quando be not kept 
 out. But my servant Thomas (whose pencil 
 
118 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 can perform more in this matter than my .pen) 
 will set down the form of this by itself in the 
 end hereof, that you may impart it to such 
 friends of yours as you shall think worthy of it, 
 though you put them not to so great penance, 
 as to read this whole discourse. 
 
 And that I may now also end your penance, 
 that have taken all this pains to read this, that 
 for your pleasure you would needs persuade 
 me to write, I will not end abruptly here, but 
 as friends that are upon parting in a journey, 
 choose a cleanly place in the high-way to take 
 their leaves one of another, and not in the dirt 
 and mire: so I, ere we part, will first for 
 the enobling of this rare invention, tell you 
 somewhat of the place, of the company, of 
 the means, and of the circumstances, that first 
 put so necessary a conceit in my head. For I 
 remember I have read that Archimedes, the 
 excellent engineer (a man in his time fully as 
 famous at Syracusa, as our M. Plat is here in 
 England), was said to have disgraced himself 
 by an intemperate, or rather intempestive joy 
 that he took of a very worthy and memorable 
 invention of his. The story is thus: Archi- 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 119 
 
 medes having long beaten his brains to find 
 some way by art how to discover what quantity 
 of counterfeit mixture was put into a crown 
 of massy gold, not dissolving the metals, and 
 finding no means in long study, at last washing 
 himself naked in a bathing-tub, he observed 
 still that the deeper he sunk, the higher the 
 water rose; and forthwith he conceived (which 
 after he performed indeed), that by such a 
 means the true quantity of each metal might 
 be found, and the fraud discovered: with joy 
 whereof he was so ravished, that stark naked 
 as he was, he ran out into the streets, crying, 
 Evpinca, tvprjKa ; I have found it, I have found it. 
 At which, for the time, all the people were 
 amazed and thought him mad, till his invention 
 after proved him, not only sober, but also 
 subtle. 
 
 What, if some pleasant conceited fellow 
 should give out, by way of supposition, that 
 possibly the deviser of this rare conveyance, 
 was at the time of devising thereof, sitting on 
 some such place, as the godly father sat on at 
 his devout prayers, or the godless king sat on at 
 his devilish practices? as put the case on the 
 
120 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 stately stinking privy in the Inner Temple 
 (where many grave apprentices of the law put 
 their long debated cases to homely uses), and 
 that with joy of so excellent invention, he ran 
 out with his hose about his heels, and cried, 
 £vprjKa, avptjKa: so might I be likened to Archi¬ 
 medes, and there be some perhaps would be 
 so very fools to believe it. But lest that any 
 idle-headed fellow should devise, or any shallow¬ 
 brained people believe such a tale, I do before¬ 
 hand give the word of disgrace to any that 
 shall so say; and will make it good on their 
 persons with all weapons from the pin to the 
 pike, that whether it were by my good guiding, 
 or my good fortune, in the invention hereof, nor 
 in the execution, I never received such a dis¬ 
 grace as that of Archimedes. For I assure 
 you, the device was both first thought of, and 
 discoursed of, with as bmad terms as any 
 belongs to it, in presence of six persons, who 
 were (all save one) interlocutors in the dialogue; 
 of which, I was so much the meanest, that 
 the other five, for beauty, for birth, for value, for 
 wit, and for wealth, are not in many places of 
 the realm to be matched. Neither was the place 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 121 
 
 inferior to the persons; being a castle, that I call 
 the wonder of the west; so seated without, as 
 England in few places affords more pleasures; 
 so furnished within, as China nor the West 
 Indies scarce allows more plenty. Briefly, at 
 the very coming in you would think you were 
 come to the Eldorado in Guiana: and by this 
 I hope both the invention and execution hereof 
 may be sufficiently freed from baseness. 
 
 Yet there remains one easy objection against 
 the merit of my good service herein; I mean 
 easy to make, but it will not seem so easy to 
 answer; and that is, that some may say, this 
 may fortune to do well in many places, but yet 
 there is no depth in the invention: for it is 
 nothing but to keep down the air with a stopple, 
 and let out the filth with a screw; which some 
 will mislike, and will not endure to have such a 
 business every time they come to that house: 
 to which I answer, that for depth in the inven¬ 
 tion, I affect it not (for I would not have it in 
 all above two foot deep). And though the 
 proverb is, the deeper the sweeter, that is to be 
 intended in some sweeter matters; for the 
 deeper you wade in this, you shall find it the 
 
122 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 sourer. And if it seem too busy, he that hath so 
 great haste of his business, may take it as he 
 finds it; which cannot be very ill at any time. 
 But the old saying was, Look ere you leap; 
 and the old custom was, that if a man had no 
 light to look, yet he would feel, to seek that 
 he would not find, for fear lest they should 
 find that they did not seek. Further, the pains 
 being so little as it is, I should think him a 
 sloven that would not by himself or his man 
 leave it as cleanly as he found it; especially 
 considering, that in Deuteronomy you are told, 
 God misliketh sluttishness: and every cat gives 
 us an example (as housewives tell us) to cover 
 all our filthiness: and if you will not disdain 
 to use that which cometh from the musk cat, to 
 make yourself, your gloves, and your clothes, 
 the more sweet, refuse not to follow the exam¬ 
 ple of the cat of the house, to make your 
 entries, your stairs, your chambers, and your 
 whole house the less sour. Indeed, for the 
 device, I grant it is as plain as Dunstable high¬ 
 way, and perhaps it will be as common too; 
 but neither of them shall be any disgrace to it. 
 For I heard an Italian tell, that in Venice after 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 I £3 
 
 they had had the great loss by fire in Maximi¬ 
 lian’s time, when their arsenal was burnt with 
 gunpowder, they had long consultation how 
 to keep their store powder from danger of 
 fire, for fear of like mischances; at last a 
 plain fellow (like myself) came and told that 
 he had devised a way, and prayed to have 
 audience. 
 
 Then he told them a long tale, but all to 
 this short purpose; that gunpowder was made 
 of three simples, viz. saltpetre, brimstone, and 
 coal: but each of these several, would be easy 
 kept from fire, and be quenched if they were 
 kindled; but being compound, it blew up all 
 in a moment, if the least spark did but meet 
 with it: then he shewed that the causes could 
 not be so sudden of using powder, but that 
 the simples being ready, it might soon be made: 
 lastly, that saltpetre did grow, rather than 
 waste, with lying; whereas, being made into 
 powder, it doth consume, &c. All which, 
 though every man there knew before, yet 
 because they had not offered to put it in prac¬ 
 tice, they gave him a reward for his device, 
 and followed therein his advice; placing these 
 
124 the metamorphosis 
 
 simples in several houses, which are so dan¬ 
 gerous when they are compounded; and since 
 that time they have been more annoyed with 
 water than with fire. Wherefore, I assure me, 
 the magnifico’s of Venice would allow of the 
 device, and I had some idle money, I might 
 hap to be so idly disposed, to put out more than 
 I will speak of upon this return, when one of 
 
 The Magnifi the sons and daughters of St. Mark had put 
 
 co’s of Veniie ... . > 11 , L , 
 
 are called Fq- my device in execution; especially it that 
 
 livoli di S. J . . 
 
 Marco. Molto Magnificentissimo were yet alive, that 
 when his wife was sick, and the physician was 
 to see her water, he knew not how to bid her 
 make water, in words seemly for his high state 
 and her fine ears, that had never heard so foul 
 a word as that in her life, till his man took on 
 him the matter, and found a phrase by circum¬ 
 locution to signify pissing, and never once to 
 name it, in this sort; Cara signora vi prego 
 fare quello che fate dinanzi al cacare. But 
 see, see, I would fain have bid you farewell; 
 and now we are again in our dirty common 
 place, we will go with you yet a quoits cast 
 further, and then upon the next green we will 
 bid farewell, and turn tail as they say: where- 
 
* 
 
 OF AJAX. 125 
 
 fore, now I will make you only a brief repe¬ 
 tition of that I have said. You see, first, how 
 I have justified the homely words and phrases 
 with authorities above all exception; I have 
 proved the care ever had of the matter, with 
 examples above all comparison: lastly, I have 
 expressed to you a cleanly form of it, above all 
 expectation. Neither do I praise it, as merchants 
 do their wares, to rid their hands of them; for 
 I promise you, how high soever I praise it, I 
 mean not to part with it: for were I to praise 
 it upon mine oath as we do household stuff in 
 an inventory, I would praise it in my house, 
 to be worth a hundred pounds; in yours, three 
 hundred pounds; in Wollerton, five hundred 
 pounds; in Tibals, Burley, and Holmbie, a Theobalds. 
 
 r # Burleigh. 
 
 thousand pounds; in Greenwich, Richmond, Hoimby. 
 and Hampton-court, ten thousand pounds. 
 
 And by my good sooth, so I would think 
 myself well paid for it: not that I am so base- 
 minded to think that wit and art can be rated 
 at any price, but that I would accept it as a 
 gratuity fit for such houses and their owners. 
 
 For I tell you, though I will not take it upon 
 me that I am in dialecticorum dumetis doctus, 
 
 
126 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 or in rhetoricorum pompa potens, or cotteris 
 scientiis saginatus, as doth our Pedantius of 
 Cambridge; yet I take it, that in this invention 
 I shall shew a great practice upon the gram¬ 
 mar, and upon this point I will challenge all 
 the grammarians; viz. I say, and I will make it 
 good, that by my rare device I shall make Ster - 
 cutius a noun adjective. Now I know you 
 will set your son William to answer me; and 
 he shall say, no, no, and come upon me with 
 his grammar rule, ut sunt divorum, Mars , 
 Bacchus, Apollo, virorum , etc. and hereby con¬ 
 clude, that he is both a substantive, and that a 
 substantial one too, and a masculine. 
 
 But all this will not serve, for I have learned 
 the grammar too; and therefore, 
 
 Come grammar rules , come now your •power shew , 
 
 as saitli the noble Astrophell. First, there¬ 
 fore I say, his no, no, is an affirmative; 
 
 For in one speech two negatives affirm. 
 
 Secondly, tell me pretty Will, what is a noun 
 substantive? That that may be seen, felt, heard, 
 or understood. Very well; now I will join 
 issue with you on this point, where shall we try 
 it? Not in Cambridge, you will say; for I think 
 
m 
 
 OF AJAX. 127 
 
 they will be partial oil my side. Well then, in 
 Oxford be it, and no better judge than M. 
 Poeta, who was chief captain of all the nouns 
 in that excellent comedy of Bellum gramati- 
 cale . For, without all peradventure, when he 
 shall hear that one of his band and so near 
 about him, is brought to that state, that he is 
 neither to be seen, smelt, heard, nor understood, 
 he will swear gogs nouns, he will thrust him 
 out of his selected band of the most substan¬ 
 tial substantives, and sort him with the rascal 
 rabblement of the most abject adjectives. But 
 now, sir, that I have brought you to so fair a 
 town as Oxford, and so sweet a companion as 
 your son William, I will leave you to him that 
 made you. 
 
 Now (gentle reader) you have taken much 
 pain, and perhaps some pleasure, in reading 
 our Metamorphosis of a j ax, and you supposed 
 by this time to have done with me: but now, 
 with your favour, I have not done with you. 
 For I found by your countenance, in the reading 
 and hearing hereof, that your conceit oft-times 
 had censured me hardly, and that somewhat 
 diversely; and namely, in these three kinds: 
 
 This comedy 
 was played at 
 her Majesty's 
 last being at 
 Oxford. 
 
 The epilogue, 
 or conclusion. 
 
128 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Three reproofs First, you thought me fantastical; secondly, 
 
 phiet. P you blamed my scurrility; and, thirdly, you 
 found me satirical: to which three reproofs, 
 being neither causeless nor unjust, do me but 
 the justice to hear my three answers. 
 
 Answer to the I must needs acknowledge it fantastical for 
 
 first objection , T , t 
 
 of fantastical- me, whom 1 suppose you deem (by many cir- 
 
 ness. 
 
 cumstances) not to be of the basest, either 
 birth or breeding, to have chosen, or of another 
 mans choice to have taken so strange a subject. 
 But though I confess thus much, yet I would 
 not have you lay it to my charge; for if you so 
 do, I shall straight retort all the blame, or the 
 greatest part of it, upon yourself: and namely, 
 I would but ask you this question, and even 
 truly between God and your conscience, do 
 but answer it. If I had entitled the book, A 
 Sermon shewing a sovereign salve for the sores 
 of the soul; or A wholesome Haven of Health 
 to harbour the heart in; or A marvellous 
 medicine for the maladies of the mind , would 
 you ever have asked after such a book ? would 
 these grave and sober titles have won you to 
 the view of three or four tittles ? much less three 
 or four score periods. But when you heard 
 

 r" 
 
 OF AJAX. 129 
 
 there was one that had written of a jax, 
 straight you had a great mind to see what 
 strange discourse it would prove; you made 
 inquiry who wrote it, where it might be had, 
 when it would come forth. You prayed your 
 friend to buy it, beg it, borrow it, that you 
 might see what good stuff was in it. And 
 why had you such a mind to it? I can tell you. 
 
 You hoped for some merriments, some toys, 
 some scurrility; or, to speak plain English, 
 some knavery: and if you did so, I hope now 
 your expectation is not altogether frustrate. 
 
 Yet, give me leave briefly to shew you what 
 petty pills you have swallowed in your pleasant 
 quadlings, and what wholesome wormwood 
 was inclosed in these raisins of the sun. 
 
 Against malcontents, epicures, atheists, here- a brief sum of 
 
 . . . the true intent 
 
 tics, and careless and dissolute Christians, and of the book * 
 especially against pride and sensuality, the 
 prologue and the first part are chiefly intended. 
 
 The second gives a due praise, without flattery, 
 to one that is worthy of it; and a just check, 
 without gall, to some that deserve it. The 
 third part, as it teacheth indeed a reformation 
 of the matter in question, so it toucheth in 
 
130 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 Answer to the 
 second objec¬ 
 tion of scurii- 
 lity. 
 
 This cannot be 
 denied. 
 
 sport, a reprehension of some practises too 
 much in custom: all which the reader, that is 
 honourable, wise, virtuous, and a true lover of 
 his country, must needs take in good part. 
 Now, gentle reader, if you will still say this is 
 fantastical, then I will say again, you would not 
 have read it except it had been fantastical; and 
 if you will confess the one, sure I will never 
 deny the other. 
 
 The second fault you object, is scurrility; to 
 which I answer, that I confess the objection, 
 but I deny the fault; and if I might know 
 whether he were Papist or Protestant that 
 maketh this objection, I would soon answer 
 them, namely, thus; I would cite a principal 
 writer on either side, and I would prove that 
 either of them hath used more obscene, foul, 
 and scurrilous phrases (not in defence of their 
 matter, but in defacing of their adversary) in 
 one leaf of their books, than is in all this. 
 Yet they profess to write of the highest, the 
 holiest, the weightiest matters that can be ima¬ 
 gined ; that I write of the basest, the barrenest, 
 and most witless subject that may be described. 
 
 Quod decuit tantos cur mihi turpe puiem? 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 131 
 
 I forbear to shew examples of it, lest I should 
 be thought to disgrace men of holy and worthy 
 memory. 
 
 For such as shall find fault that it is too Answer to the 
 
 third objccti- 
 
 satirical, surely, I suppose their judgment shall ©n, 
 sooner be condemned by the wiser sort, than 
 my writings. For when all the learned writers, time# 
 godly preachers, and honest livers over all 
 England (yea, over all Europe), renew that old 
 complaint, Regnare nequitiam et in deterius Seneca. 
 res humanas labi. 
 
 When we hear them say daily, that there 
 was never under so gracious a head, so grace¬ 
 less members; after so sincere teaching, so 
 sinful living; in so shining light, such works of 
 darkness: when they cry out upon us, yea, cry 
 indeed, for I have seen them speak it with 
 tears, that lust and hatred were never so hot, 
 love and charity were never so cold; that there 
 was never less devotion, never more division; 
 that all impiety hath all impunity; finally, that 
 the places that were wont to be the samples 
 of all virtue and honour, are now become the 
 sinks of all sin and shame. These phrases (I 
 say) being written and recorded, sounded and 
 
132 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 resounded in so many books and sermons, in 
 Cambridge, in Oxford, in the court, in the 
 country, at Paul’s Cross, in Paul’s Church¬ 
 yard ; may not I, as a sorry writer among the 
 rest, in a merry matter, and in a harmless 
 manner, professing purposely, Of vaults and 
 
 Allusion to the privies, sinks and draughts, to write , prove ac- 
 
 former words. J # ° 
 
 cording to my poor strength, to draw the 
 readers by some pretty draught, to sink into a 
 deep and necessary consideration, how to 
 amend some of their privy faults? Believe it 
 (worthy readers, for I write not to the unworthy), 
 ajax, when he is at his worst, yields not a 
 more offensive savour to the finest nostrils, 
 than some of the faults I have noted do to 
 God and the world. Be not offended with me 
 for saying it, more than I am with some of you 
 for seeing it. But this I say, if we would 
 amend our privy faults first, we should after¬ 
 ward much the better reform the open offences, 
 according to the old proverb, Every man mend 
 one, and all would he amended . Trust me, they 
 do wrong me, that count me satirical: alas! I 
 do but (as the phrase is) pull a hair from their 
 beards whose heads perhaps by the old law s 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 133 
 
 
 
 ancl canons should be shorn. If you will say 
 there is salt in it, I will acknowledge it; but if 
 you will suspect there is gall in it, I renounce 
 it: I name not many, and in those I do name, I 
 swerve not far from the rule. 
 
 Play with me 7 and hurt me not: A fit role to be 
 
 Jest with me , and shame me not . breeds all mis- 
 
 For some that may seem secretly touched, and broken; espe- 
 
 eially by ho- 
 
 be not openly named, if they will say nothing, n ™ g rable per * 
 I will say nothing. But, as my good friend 
 M. Davies said of his epigrams, that they were 
 made like doublets in Birchin-lane, for every 
 one whom they will serve: so if any man find 
 in these my lines any raiment that suits him so 
 fit, as if it were made for him, let him wear it 
 and spare not: and for my part, I would he 
 could wear it out. But if he will be angry at 
 it, then (as the old saying is) I beshrew his 
 angry heart; and I would warn him thus much 
 (as his poor friend), that the workman that 
 could with a glance only, and a light view of 
 his person, make a garment so fit for him, if 
 the same workman come and take a precise 
 measure of him, may make him another gar¬ 
 ment of the same stuff (for there need go but 
 
134 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS 
 
 a pair of shears between them), that in what 
 shire soever he dwelleth, he may be known by 
 such a coat as long as he liveth. Well, to 
 conclude, let both the writer and the readers 
 endeavour to mend ourselves, and so we shall 
 the easier amend others; and then I shall think 
 my labour well bestowed in writing, and you 
 shall think yours not altogether lost in reading. 
 And with this honest exhortation I would make 
 an end; imitating herein the wisest lawyers, 
 who, when they have before the simplest jurors, 
 long disputed their cases to little purpose, are 
 ever most earnest and eager at the parting, to 
 beat into the jury’s head some special point or 
 other, for the behoof of their client. For, so 
 would I, howsoever you do with the rest of the 
 matter. I would, I say, fain beat still into your 
 memory this necessary admonition (which my 
 
 Misacmos. new taken name admonisheth me of); to cleanse, 
 
 amend, and wipe away all filthiness. To the 
 which purpose, I could methink allegorize this 
 homely subject that I have so dilated, and make 
 almost as good a sermon as the friar did before 
 
 Thatistosay, the Pope; saying nothing but Matto San 
 
 what a fool r . ® & 
 
 was st. Peter. Pietro three times, and so came down from 
 
OF AJAX. 
 
 r lA? 
 
 135 
 
 the pulpit again; and being afterward examined, 
 what he meant to make a sermon of three 
 words, but three times repeated before the 
 triple crowned prelate and so many cardinals, 
 he told them they might find a good sermon 
 in Mat to San Pietro; as namely, if heaven 
 might be gotten, notwithstanding all the pride, 
 pleasures, and pomp of the world, with ease, 
 sensuality, and epicurism, then what a fool was 
 St. Peter to live so strict, so poor, so painful 
 a life? With which it is possible his auditory 
 was more edified, or at least more terrified, 
 than they would have been at a longer sermon: 
 but I will neither end with sermon nor prayer, 
 lest some wags liken me to my L. ( ) 
 
 players, who when they have ended a bawdy 
 comedy, as though that were a preparative to 
 devotion, kneel down solemnly, and pray all 
 the company to pray with them for their good 
 Lord and master. Yet I will end with this 
 good counsel, not unsuiting to the text I have 
 thus long talked of; 
 
 To keep your houses sweet , cleanse privy vaults: 
 
 To keep your souls as sweet , mend privy faults . 
 
 FINIS. 
 
■ 
 
l 
 
 AN 
 
 ANATOMY 
 
 OF THE 
 
 METAMORPHO SED AJAX. 
 
 WHEREIN BY A 
 
 tripartite $9etfjou, tgf plainly, openly, anti Benton* 
 Sttatifcely BeclareB, erplaineB, anti eliquioaten, 
 fiy Pen, plot, anti precept, fioto unsavoury 
 Places map fie matie sfoeet, noisome 
 Places matie toljolesome, filtljy 
 places mane cleanly* 
 
 PUBLISHED FOR 
 
 THE COMMON BENEFIT OF BUILDERS, HOUSEKEEPERS, 
 AND HOUSE-OWNERS. 
 
 BY T. C. 
 
 TRAVELLER, APPRENTICE IN POETRY, PRACTISER IN MUSIC, 
 PROFESSOR OF PAINTING; 
 
 THE MOTHER, DAUGHTER , AND HANDMAID OF ALL MUSES, 
 ARTS, AND SCIENCES. 
 
 Invide quid mordes? Pictoribus atque Poetis, 
 Quidlibet audeudi semper fuit aequa potestas. 
 
 St ILontion i 
 
 IMPRINTED BY RICHARD FIELD, 
 
 DWELLING IN THE BLACKFRIARS. 
 
 1596 , 
 
7 J 
 
 
 
TO M. E. S. ESQUIRE. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 My master having expressly commanded me 
 to finish a strange discourse that he had 
 written to you, called the Metamorpho-sis of 
 ajax , by setting certain pictures thereto; there 
 came unto my mind a tale I had heard, per¬ 
 haps more merry than mannerly, how a plain 
 or rather pleasant serving-man, waiting on 
 his master at the Pope’s court, happened to be 
 present one day when the gentleman, after 
 long attendance and great means, had obtained 
 the favour to kiss his Holiness’ foot. The 
 man seeing what his master did, first stole out 
 of the chamber, and then ran out of the house, 
 
4 
 
 AN ANATOMY. 
 
 hiding himself for a pretty space: the gentle- 
 man hearing of it, pitied his mans simplicitij 
 (who perhaps was crafty knave enough for all 
 that), and asked why he went away ? Alas! 
 sir, said he, when I saw that a man of your 
 worth and worship, in so public a place, might 
 kiss but his toe, I doubted they would have 
 made me have kissed him in some homelier 
 place; and so I might have been shamed for 
 ever . 
 
 If that serving-man had cause to run out of 
 the house, methinks I may seem to have more 
 reason to run out of my zvits, to have so strange 
 a task appointed me: for when the very face 
 and head, or title of the book, seemed so foul 
 and unsavoury, what might I think the feet 
 or tail thereof were like to proved Wherefore, 
 I would gladly have shunned so base an office; 
 but having my masters example, joined to his 
 commandment, I took heart to me: and first, I 
 read over the discourse, to see what was pro¬ 
 mised therein on my behalf ( viz. certain pic¬ 
 tures). But I assure you, in the reading of 
 it, whether it were the well-handling of the 
 
5 
 
 AN ANATOMY. 
 
 matter, or my partial opinion (a fault that I 
 am seldom charged withal), my mind was 
 altered; and I compared the homely title of 
 it unto an ill-favoured vizor, such as I have or to a toad, 
 seen in stage plays , when they dance Macha - made in sugar, 
 
 . J . that looks un- 
 
 chinas, which covers as sweet a face sometimes «ghtiy, but 
 
 J tastes sweetly. 
 
 as any is in the company . And even presently 
 therewithal, as if I had been inspired with the 
 spirit of ajax, methought 1 durst have adven¬ 
 tured with my pen and pencil upon any thing . 
 
 For as the saying is, 
 
 Painters and poets, claim by old enrolment , 
 
 A charter, to dare all , without controlment . 
 
 Wherefore, by the privilege of this charter 
 (as also by a patent I have of serving two 
 apprenticeships), I will go somewhat beyond 
 the bare words of my commission, and yet not 
 swerve much from the charge that is laid upon 
 me. For, sir, I would you knew it, though I 
 never troubled the schools at Oxford with any 
 disputes or degrees, yet I carried there a good 
 scholars books after him; and I trust I got 
 some quaint phrases among them; as namely, 
 instead of praying the cobler to set two patches 
 
6 AN ANATOMY. 
 
 on my shoes, I could have said, Set me two 
 semicircles upon my suppeditals: with much 
 other eloquence beyond the common intelligence . 
 And yet, notwithstanding all these great vaunts, 
 I will not take upon me, that I am able to say 
 so much of the Metamorpho-sis, the etymology, 
 and the reformation of Don A JAX house, as my 
 master hath said; or to defend the words, illus¬ 
 trate the matter, and dilate of the form, as he 
 hath done; for who can stand against such an 
 army of emperors, kings, magistrates, prophets, 
 poets, all-hallows, and all prophanes, even from 
 the Bible to the Bable, as are by him brought 
 for enobling of his arguments? Yet for ana¬ 
 tomizing as it were of the shape and body 
 thereof, because he hath handled that point 
 
 m. piat in his (in M, Plat’s opinion) somewhat too briefly 
 
 book against 7 7 • r 7 
 
 famine,foi.ui- for common understandings, 1 must here a 
 
 timo penulti- J 0 
 
 mo * little better open it: for, as the old saying is 
 
 (bonum quo communius eo melius), and the 
 old verse is, 
 
 Scire tuurn nihil est, nisi te scrire hoc sciut alter. 
 
 Goodness is best, when it is common shown : 
 
 Knowledge were vain, if knowledge were not known - 
 
AN ANATOMY. 7 
 
 Wherefore note, seriously and in good sadness , if that which 
 
 7 „ _ ° . _ . follows offend 
 
 to instruct you and all gentlemen of worship , the reader, he 
 
 ^ J r may turn over 
 
 how to reform all unsavoury places of your a ,eaf or two > 
 
 ** ^ J J J or but smell to 
 
 houses, whether they be caused by privies or 
 sinks, or such like (for the annoyance coming ^“^ e e v ^ r v ^ r 
 all of like causes, the remedies need not be fend hl,n * 
 much unlike), this shall you do. 
 
 “ In the privy that annoys you , first cause a This cistern in 
 
 . . the first plot is 
 
 cistern, containing a barrel or upward, to be 
 placed either behind the seat, or in any place in 
 
 either in the room or above it, from whence the jjjji, in 
 water may, by a small pipe of lead of an inch, 
 be conveyed under the seat in the hinder part ought tofowlt 
 thereof (but quite out of sight); to which 
 pipe you must have a cock or a washer, to yield 
 water with some pretty strength when you 
 would let it in. 
 
 “ Next make a vessel of an oval form, as This vessel is 
 
 ^ ^ expressed in 
 
 broad at the bottom as at the top : two feet the f,rst P lot 
 
 1 J H, M, N; in 
 
 deep, one foot broad, sixteen inches long; place ^ e8ec °n dH » 
 this very close to your seat, like the pot of a 
 close-stool; let the oval incline to the right hand. 
 
 “ This vessel may be brick, stone, or lead; The current is 
 but whatsoever it is, it should have a current 0 / the second plot 
 
 7-7 J K * 
 
 three inches to the back part of it (where a 
 
8 
 
 AN ANATOMY. 
 
 In the second 
 plot I, L. 
 
 sluice of brass must stand); the bottom and 
 sides all smooth, and drest with pitch, rosin, 
 
 A special note. and wax; which will keep it from tainting with 
 the urine. 
 
 “ In the lowest part of this vessel, which will 
 be on the right hand, you must fasten the sluice 
 or washer of brass, with solder or cement; the 
 concavity or hollow thereof, must be two inches 
 and a half. 
 
 in the first plot “ To the washers stopple must be a stem of 
 
 G,F; in these- . / 1 J 
 
 cond f and i. iron, as big as a curtain rod; strong, and even, 
 and perpendicular, with a strong screw at the 
 top of it; to which you must have a hollow 
 key with a worm ft to that screw. 
 
 “ This screw must, when the sluice is down, 
 appear through m the plank not above a straws 
 breadth on the right hand; and being duly 
 placed, it will stand about three or four inches 
 wide of the midst of the back of your seat. 
 
 This shows in u Item, That children and busy folk disorder 
 
 the first plot t J J 
 
 *con^G- he ^ not > or °P en ^ ie S ^ ce putting in their 
 
 hacksldeof 110 ^ ian ^ s without a key, you should have a little 
 button or scallop shell, to bind it down with a 
 vice pin, so as without the key it will not be 
 opened. 
 
 In the first plot 
 between G, I. 
 

 I 
 
 I 
 
 ) 
 
 1 \ 
 ", 
 
 (t 
 
 k 
 
 ft • 
 
 i ■ 
 
 * 
 
 k j 
 
 ■ J 
 
 ro * 
 
 * 
 
 b 
 
 AN ANATOMY. () 
 
 “ These things thus placed, all about your 
 vessel and elsewhere , must be passing close plas¬ 
 tered with good lime and hair, that no air come Else an is vain. 
 up from the vault, but only at your sluice, which 
 stands close stopped; and ever it must be left, 
 after it is voided, half a foot deep in clean 
 water. 
 
 “ If water be plenty, the oftener it is used 
 and opened, the sweeter; but if it be scant, 
 once a day is enough,for a need, though twenty 
 persons should use it. 
 
 “If the water will not run to your cistern, 
 you may with a force of twenty shillings, and These forces, 
 a pipe of eighteen pence the yard, force it great washer, 
 from the lowest part of your house to the at the queen’s 
 
 7 . , J J braziers in 
 
 highest . Lothbury, at 
 
 * the boai V 
 
 “ But now on the other side behold the Ana- head * 
 tomy.” 
 
 >ir 
 
 t 
 
 a 
 
 L 
 
10 
 
 A PLAIN PLOT OF 
 
 This is Don AJAX house of the new fashion, all in sunder; 
 that a workman may see what he hath to do. 
 

 A PRIVY IN PERFECTION. 11 
 
 Here are the parts set down , with a rate of the 
 prices; that a builder may guess what he hath 
 
 to pay . 
 
 s. a. 
 
 A the cistern; stone or brick. Price. . 6 8 
 
 by d, e the pipe that comes from the cis¬ 
 tern, with a stopple to the washer ... 36 
 
 c a waste pipe.1 o 
 
 /, g the stem of the great stopple, with 
 
 a key to it. 1 6 
 
 h the form of the upper brim of the 
 vessel or stool-pot. 
 
 m the stool-pot, of stone. 8 0 
 
 n the great brass sluice, to which is three 
 inches current to send it down a gallop 
 into the Jax.10 0 
 
 And lest you should mislike with this phrase, 1 
 had it in a verse of a grave author, that was wont 
 to walk up and down the court with a forest bill; 
 I have forgot how it began (like a beast as he 
 was), but it ended in rhyme: 
 
 O that I were at Oxcnford, to eat some Banbury cakes . 
 i the seat, with a peak devant for elbow-room. 
 The whole charge thirty shillings and eight 
 pence: yet a mason of my masters was offered 
 thirty pounds for the like. Memorandum. 
 The scale is about half an inch to a foot. 
 

 1 
 
 i 
 
 12 A PLAIN PLOT OF 
 
 Here is the same, all put together; that the work¬ 
 man may see if it be well . 
 
 
 < 
 
 1 
 
 I 
 
 % 
 
13 
 
 A PRIVY IN PERFECTION. 
 
 A the cistern. 
 b the little washer. 
 c the waste pipe. 
 
 D the seat board. 
 
 e the pipe that comes from the cistern. 
 f the screw. 
 g the scallop shell, to cover it when it is shut 
 down. 
 
 H the stool pot. 
 i the stopple. 
 k the current. 
 
 I the sluice. 
 
 m, N the vault into which it falls: always remem¬ 
 ber that ( ) at noon and at night empty it, 
 
 and leave it half a foot deep in fair water. 
 
 And this being well done, and orderly kept, 
 your worst privy may be as sweet as your best 
 chamber. 
 
 But to conclude all this in a few words, it is 
 but a standing close-stool easily emptied. And 
 by the like reason (other forms and proportions 
 observed) all other places of your house may be 
 kept sweet. 
 
 Your worships to command. 
 
 T. C. 
 
 Traveller . 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 But pah! what have I talked of all this while? 
 of A jax? Pa-pe, what an unsavoury argu- 
 aii this is ment is this! Nay, fie, I marvel you would 
 
 sweetened # J 7 J 
 
 sentence* Fead ^ have ^ 0St ^ m y Credit With OUr 
 
 Z wenches, if they hear that my pen has thus 
 polluted my paper. But alas! it is but my 
 amara. fortune and not my fault; I am forced thereto: 
 
 when the master is in the imperative mood, 
 the man must obey in the present tense, though 
 Fidoiis servns, he should be thought for his labour. As in 
 
 perpetuus asi- b 
 
 «us. 'presently perfectum format in avi , ut no nas 
 knavi , etc . Well, yet you see, I have not for¬ 
 got all my grammar. I wis it were better for 
 us serving-men, if you masters would do more 
 Quae mala siut in the dative case, and speak less in the imne- 
 
 Domini, quae 1 * 
 
 .Ta r '„ i cSr n<> rat ve mood - If y°n will be lecherous, we 
 servum^te'ge- must be bawds; if you will be quarrellous, we 
 mu st be ruffians: and now my master plays 
 the physician, I must be the apothecary. If 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 15 
 
 he cast the water, I must minister the clyster. 
 
 What is the remedy? 
 
 Delirant domini, famuli plectuntur: iniquum est. 
 
 The men still bear their master's sin ; 
 
 But little justice is therein . 
 
 But a great many of my masters betters, 
 may say for themselves: 
 
 Mece (contendere noli) stultitiam patiuntur opes . Horace. 
 
 To strive with us it is but vain , 
 
 Our wealth our follies will sustain . 
 
 Wherefore, now to say somewhat for myself, 
 and as it were to play one bout in mine own 
 defence (for if Zoilus have already bitten at 
 my masters banquet, it may be some Momes 
 will mock me for my short pittance). First, 
 therefore, to answer some Ciceronians, that Noio stercus 
 maintain that such a word as Stercutius should giandam, De 
 
 Orat. 157 . 
 
 not be named in civility (to omit, that where he 
 condemns it, there he useth it, and in one place DiVinat • 9 s * 
 besides). But I would ask some rhetoric 
 reader (for sometimes eloquence hath thought 
 it good to give the sword and buckler place ), 
 whether it be not as civil a phrase to say, 
 Stercutius is made a noun adjective, as these 
 
16 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 few that I will here recite; which, if I should 
 English, they would make some perhaps cast 
 up their gorges. Against Piso, a great noble¬ 
 man, his better in birth, his equal in office; 
 oratioinPiso. Cum hac me peste et labe confer o? Memi- 
 nisti ccenum; nescio quo egurgustio te prodire 
 obvoluto capite soleatumf fcetidam nobispopi- 
 nam exhalasti. Unde tu nos purtim turpis- 
 sime respondendo, partim fadissime eructando 
 ejecisti. 
 
 ^ nc * aga ‘ nst worthy Anthony (whom so 
 £EC &noble pens have celebrated), mark what he 
 bar*products, saith, and where; even in the senate. But 
 
 first, you must imagine that Anthony had had 
 a little mischance while he sat in judgment on 
 the bench (perhaps some foolish orator, that 
 could not tell a slovenly tale cleanly, had been 
 arguing of purgare and reficere cloacam ); 
 whereby, the nobleman being queasy, laid 
 open his stomach; and Tully, owing him a 
 grudge, a year after lays it in his dish, in these 
 o matter, sio. sweet words; 
 
 venly to be ^ 
 
 S, hateful, U rem n0n modo msu fadam; sed etiam 
 orat. in m. aud itu, In ccctu Populi Romani negotium 
 Ant. ii. publicum gerens, cui ructare turpe esset, is 
 
C 7 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 17 
 
 frustis esculent is y vinum redolentibus gremium 
 suum et totum tribunal implevit. 
 
 Thus, you see, your M. T. C. when it pleased 
 him to displease others, would use words as 
 bad as the best of us. 
 
 But to argue succinctly (as they call it), I 
 say, that that some call scurrility, in this book 
 is indeed but a check to scurrility: I will prove 
 it. Teachers of all sorts, when they will teach Grammarians, 
 
 . . Musicians, 
 
 one to mend his fault, will shew the fault m Dancers, 
 
 Fencers. 
 
 themselves first. Also the incomparable poet 
 of our age, to give a most artificial reproof of 
 following the letter too much, commits the 
 same fault of purpose. 
 
 You that do dictionary method bring 
 
 Into your rhymes , running in rattling roics. Sir P. Sydney. 
 
 Further, this book where it seems most loose, a good trial of 
 
 . . what spirit a 
 
 mark if it do not stop rather than open all gaps t»okjs writ- 
 of lasciviousness. 
 
 But lest some bad disputers, confessing the 
 premises to be true, should deny the conclu¬ 
 sion, let me deal sillogistice in mood and figure. This is to you 
 
 . . that be scho- 
 
 And that the syllogism may be suitable to the 
 
IB 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 a syllogism in proposition, let it be in the third figure, the fifth 
 mood, called Bocardo. 
 
 Major. Some homely words in necessary matters are 
 
 not to he condemned . 
 
 Minor. But all ages, all writers, all states, have 
 
 used these words in these matters . 
 
 conclusion. Ergo, the title of the book should not he 
 condemned . 
 
 Now if any be in so fierce a figure, and in so 
 angry a mood, that he will reduce all to Bar - 
 bara , I think we should chop logic best with 
 such a one in ferio. 
 
 But if an argument be brought against us in 
 
 a syllogism in the second figure, in a sober mood, and in the 
 
 the first mood ... 
 
 of the second sacred name of Cesar e: m this wise: 
 
 figure. 
 
 i- No words obscene, scurrilous , and sordid, 
 should come to modest, chaste, arid virtuous 
 ears; 
 
 c. But all words concerning the subject of the 
 book, are obscene, scurrilous, and sordid: 
 
 3. Ergo, no part of the book is approvable. 
 
 Faith, then we are all nonplus . I would our 
 festino had been cedarent; for there is no 
 denying nor replying to that mood; but only 
 
AN UNEVEN PARALLEL. 19 
 
 say, God save the queen, and pray for the 
 psalm of mercy. 
 
 Well, yet I trust, however my master speeds, 
 
 I shall do well enough. Aquila non capit 
 muscas. Wherefore, to conclude, and to grace Eagles stoop 
 
 not at flies. 
 
 myself a little with you and your friends, let 
 me tell you some of my adventures. A ser¬ 
 vants boast, you know, is to be like his master. 
 
 Lo! then how many ways I can liken me to 
 him. 
 
 First, we are near of an age: past our fool J * 
 
 [ & r This I learn 
 
 age, neither young nor old. Thomas 1 “ 
 
 Both of a complexion; inclining to the 
 oriental colour of a Croydon sanguine. 2 - 
 
 Like in disposition; not idle, nor well 3. 
 occupied. 
 
 One of my kin did teach him at Eaton, and 4. 
 one of his kin taught me at Oxford. 
 
 We have been beyond sea, but never out of 5. 
 the queen’s dominions. In England, beyond Milford. 
 Wales; in Ireland, on this side England: Waterford; 
 
 because it is on 
 
 where we saw young children mothers at this * idc the 
 
 J 0 English pale. 
 
 eleven, young women old at twenty-three: we 
 saw some fair with little dressing, fat with 
 scant feeding, and warm with thin clothing. 
 
20 AN UNEQUAL PARALLEL. 
 
 The first, they Excellent religion; mass in the morning, 
 
 call God’s ser¬ 
 vice .these- common prayer at noon, common dancing at 
 
 cond, they call r J 
 
 the Queen’s night; we went as undertakers thither, we came 
 
 think'tTeTe- overtaken; as for those that mocked us 
 
 vii's service. so? q Q( j anc [ our L a( jy^ an d one more go with 
 
 them. 
 
 6. Since this travel we have been both poetical, 
 and I musical and pictorical; and though we 
 may lie and steal by authority, yet we are taken 
 for true men, and have holp to hang thieves. 
 
 7. At this hour some of our friends think us 
 worthy of better fortunes than we have; but 
 none is our friend so much to help us to them. 
 
 8. We have played, and been played with, for 
 our writings: Si quis quod fecit, patiatur jus 
 erit equum. If you do take but such as you 
 give, it is one for another; but if they that 
 play so, would give us but a piece of gold for 
 
 Now if the every good verse we think we have made, we 
 wm S ^ 10U ^ l eave some of them but poor fellows. 
 
 1 must'hfthat ® ut s °ft> if I should tell all, he would say, I 
 knave. the am of kin to Sauiitus Ablabius . It is no 
 Dam Arc S ad?a. ma tter, since he made me write of Sauntus 
 Accachius . 
 
 But now, that you may know I have been a 
 
AN UNEQUAL PARALLEL. 
 
 21 
 
 dealer in emblems, I will conclude with a 
 device not sharp in conceit, but of venerable 
 antiquity; and yet by my masters own computa¬ 
 tion, it is not so ancient as dame Cloacina, by 
 eighteen hundred years and more. Now rid¬ 
 dle me what name is this. it is good to 
 
 set a name to 
 the book: For 
 a book with¬ 
 out name may 
 be called a 
 
 libel. 
 
 The (grace of God) guides well both age and youth; 
 Fly sin with fear, as harmless (hare) doth hound; 
 
 Like precious (ring) embrace more precious truth; 
 
 As (tan) full of good juice, not empty sound; 
 
 In these right scalin'd, Misacmos ’ name is found. 
 

 
AN APOLOGY; 
 
 1. Or rather a Retractation; 
 
 2. Or rather a Recantation; 
 
 3. Or rather a Recapitulation; 
 
 4. Or rather a Replication; 
 
 3. Or rather an Examination; 
 
 6. Or rather an Accusation; 
 
 7. Or rather an Explication; 
 
 8. Or rather an Exhortation; 
 
 9. Or rather a Consideration; 
 
 10. Or rather a Confirmation; 
 
 11. Or rather all of them; 
 
 12. Or rather none of them. 
 
 When I had finished the precedent pamphlet, 
 and in mine own fantasy very sufficiently eva¬ 
 cuated my head of such homely stuff, of which 
 it might seem it was very full charged, and 
 shewed how little conceit or opinion I had of 
 mine own ability to handle stately matters, by 
 choosing so mean a subject to discharge my¬ 
 self upon: I thought now to rest me awhile, 
 and to gather some strength, by feeding on 
 
2 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 *37 
 
 Canaries we; 
 so called, of 
 tlie dogs that 
 were found 
 them. 
 
 The saying is, 
 Thrice an un¬ 
 der sheriff, and 
 ever a knave. 
 
 some finer meats, and making some cullisses 
 and restoratives, for myself out of some other 
 mens kitchens, and not open -this vein any 
 re more. But I laboured all in vain to stop such 
 n a vein: for certain people, of the nature of 
 those that first dwelt in the Canaries, have 
 forced me to a further labour. For, whether 
 it were over-watching myself at primero, or 
 eating too much venison, which they say is a 
 very melancholy meat, I know not how: but 
 betimes one morning, when we use commonly 
 to take our sweetest sleep, namely, between 
 eight and half hour past ten, I was either in so 
 strange a dream, or in so strange a melancholy, 
 that methought there came to me a nimble 
 dapper fellow (I cannot hit on his name); one 
 that hath pretty pettifogging skill in the law, 
 and hath been an under sheriff (but not thrice), 
 and is now in the nature of an attorney; this 
 honest friend told me this solemn tale: I was 
 (saith he) yesternight at supper at ( ) 
 
 ordinary, and there met M. Zoilus, M. Momus, 
 and three or four good natured gentlemen more 
 of the same crew; and toward the end of 
 supper they fell to talking (as their manner is) 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 3 
 
 of certain books lately come forth. And one 
 of them told how Lipsius the great politicke 
 (that learned to speak so good English but 
 awhile since) had written a book de Cruce y 
 protesting that though he understood not the 
 language, yet it offended his conscience to see 
 so many crosses in one book, and he have so 
 few in his purse: then they spake of M. 
 Raynold’s book against Bellarmine, but they 
 could find no fault with it; for they said it was 
 of a matter they used not to trouble themselves 
 withal: thirdly, they descanted of the new 
 Faerie Queene, and the old both; and the 
 greatest fault they could find in it, was that 
 the last verse disordered their mouths, and 
 was like a trick of seventeen in a sinkapace: 
 finally, they ran over many mens writing, say¬ 
 ing, some wanted rhyme, some wanted reason, 
 and some both. One, they said, was so young 
 that he had not yet learned to write; another, 
 so old he had forgotten to write, and was fit 
 now to be donatus rude , as Horace saith. 
 But to make short, at last one of them pulled 
 out of his bosom a book that was not to be 
 sold in Paul's Church-yard, but only that he 
 
4 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 
 had borrowed it of his friend; and it was 
 entitled, The Metamorphosis of A jax ; at 
 which they began to make marvellous sport: 
 and because it was a rainy night they agreed to 
 read over the whole discourse to pass the time 
 with. First, they read the authors name, and 
 though they understood it not, yet that it might 
 not pass without a jest, they swore that it sig¬ 
 nified, Mise in a sack of moss . They read 
 the letters, and stumbling once or twice on a 
 figure called Prolepsis, or prevention, they were 
 angry their scoffs were so prevented. But 
 when they found Rabbles named, then they 
 were at home; they looked for pure stuff 
 where he was cited for an author. 
 
 The letters being ended, they perused the 
 pictures; they swore they were fit for a gong- 
 And they both farmer and a chimney-sweeper. Then they 
 
 he honester 1 J 
 
 SdT ^ tG Metamorpho-sis; it pleased them 
 *nd Momus. we ]l : they said it was scurrill, base, shal¬ 
 low, sordid; the ditty, the dirge, the etymology, 
 the pictures, gave matter of jest, of scorn, of 
 derision, of contempt. 
 
 At last they came to the intent (as they 
 thought) of the whole discourse of reforming 
 
5 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 master ajax ill breath; why, they were so 
 pleased with it, they were ready to untruss, 
 and thought to have gone to it presently: but 
 when they came to the exposition of the name 
 Misacmos , and found it was a hater of filth, it 
 was such a jerk, that they were half out of 
 countenance with it. Zounds! saith one of 
 them, this fellow is an enemy to us; for we 
 are counted but filthy fellows among the grave 
 grey-beards. But at last, when they were 
 come to the double distichon directly entitled 
 to them by name, they had no sooner read it 
 but there was such spitting and spalling, as 
 though they had been half choked; they thought 
 they should never get the taste out of their 
 mouths, yet they took immediately fifty pipes Martial saith, 
 of tobacco between five of them, and an ounce p«to post de- 
 
 cem peractos. 
 
 or two of kissing comfits. And soon after 
 swearing over a paternoster or two, and cursing 
 two or three credos (I mean the pox and three 
 or four small curses), they vowed a solemn 
 revenge; and taking pen and ink, they fall to 
 quoting of it, meeting with some matter almost 
 in every page, either to deride or to carp at; 
 and when they had done (for it would make a 
 
6 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 book to tell all that passed among them), at 
 last one of them who had some judgment, 
 but not less malice than the rest, said in great 
 choler, doth this idle-headed writer, because 
 he can tell a tale of old Stercutius out of St. 
 Augustine, think that his wit will serve him to 
 find means to amend the ill savours in Rich¬ 
 mond and Greenwich? No, if Hercules that 
 served Augeus , if Atlas that sustained the 
 world, if St. Christopher that is painted at 
 Richmond with his carriage, qui tollit peccata 
 mundi; if all these should join with him, I 
 doubt if it could be done. Yet, said another 
 of them (in scoff), we may thank him for his 
 good meaning. Nay rather, said a third man 
 in earnest, let us plague him for his malapert¬ 
 ness. In conclusion, they all laid their heads 
 together, as near as they could for their brow 
 antlers, and devised to indict you at a privy 
 sessions. Some said, you could not be indicted, 
 
 That they except you were put out of the peace first: 
 
 56th page. but straight, one alleged a precedent in Wilt¬ 
 shire, of a justice indicted for a barreter. Now 
 therefore (said my little attorney), advise you 
 how to answer it; for the session will be a 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 7 
 
 purchased session, sooner than you look for it. 
 He had but new ended his speech, and I had 
 scarce leisure to thank him, when methought 
 there rushed into my chamber a thick well 
 trussed fellow, with a badge just over his heart, 
 and commands me in the name that I love 
 above all names, to go immediately with him. 
 
 I must say truly, that though I blessed the 
 name he used, and the badge he ware, yet I 
 beshrewed his heart for bringing me no better 
 news next my heart: but with him I went (for 
 needs must he go whom the devil drives), and 
 yet why should I belie the devil? I think, for 
 forty shillings more than his fee, he would 
 have been seeking me a month in every place, 
 save where I was. But to proceed, methought 
 this gentle pursuivant brought me before an 
 austere and grave magistrate, whom I greatly 
 loved and honoured, to answer to divers objec¬ 
 tions and articles that I never expected to be 
 charged with. I comforted myself as well as 
 I could with an old adage or two, qui vadit 
 plane vadit sane , the plain way hath the surest 
 footing; and magna est veritas et prcevalet , 
 
8 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 great is the truth and prevaileth; and then 
 answered my accusers as I could. 
 
 The manner of the accusation was not much 
 unlike the assault of a town: For first, they 
 skirmished as it were with small shot, which I 
 bare off with the armour and shield of plain¬ 
 dealing and honest supplicity; but finding their 
 forces increase, I was glad to retire me into 
 the castle of innocency; where they made a 
 sore battery with rabbinets, minions, sakers, 
 and demicanons; for, as God would have it, 
 
 n“e°^S fy tlley had no canons: but thus they objected, 
 law. Now and thus I answered. 
 
 they are not 
 
 bufbaXTca- Some laid t0 m y charge, I was an idle fel- 
 
 “ertanoccncy. and shewed by my writings I had little to 
 do. Alas! said I, it is too true; and therefore, 
 if you know any man that hath an office to 
 spare, you may do well to prefer me to it: 
 foi it were a bad office that I would not change 
 for this I have taken upon me; and if I had 
 another, I would be content this were divided 
 among you. 
 
 s. Some said I was such a fool, to think 
 seriously the device worthy to be published, 
 
f 
 
 ^7 
 
 an apology. 9 
 
 and put in practice as a common benefit; 
 trust me that is true too. 
 
 Some supposed that because my writings s. 
 now lay dead, and had not been thought of 
 this good while, I thought (as Alcibades cut 
 off his dogs tail to make the people talk of his 
 curtail), so I would send my muse abroad 
 masking naked in a net, that I might say, 
 
 Nunc iterum volito viva per ora virum . 
 
 Of my honour that is not true. Will you 
 deny it on your oath? Nay, by our Lady, not 
 for a thousand pounds. 
 
 Some said plainly, because my last work was 4. 
 another mans invention, and that some fine 
 phrase-making fellows had found a distinction 
 between a versifier and a poet, I wrote this to 
 shew I could be both when I listed, though I 
 mean to be neither: as Thales Milesius, by 
 making himself rich in one year, shewed his 
 contempt of riches. The devil of the lie 
 that is. 
 
 Some surmised against me, that because the 5. 
 time is so toying, that wholesome meats cannot 
 be digested without wanton sauce; and that 
 
JO 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 even al wise mens tables, fools have most of 
 the talk, therefore I came in with a bable to 
 have my tale heard : I must needs confess it. 
 
 6. Some said, that in emulation of outlandish 
 wits, and to be one of the first English that 
 had given the venture to make the title of his 
 work the worst part of it, I was persuaded to 
 write of such an argument: I will never deny 
 that while I live. 
 
 7 . Some affirmed, that I had taken this laugh¬ 
 ing liberty to grace some that have favoured 
 me, and grate against some that had galled me: 
 guilty , my lord. 
 
 Alas! poor gentleman (say the standers by), 
 he will be condemned certainly for this that he 
 hath confessed already, if he be not saved by 
 his book: let us hear what he will answer to 
 the rest of the indictment. 
 
 8. You did mean some disgrace in the letter 
 afore the book, and in many passages of the 
 book itself, to ladies and gentlewomen. Who, 
 I? G— damn me if I love them not; I fear 
 more to be damned for loving them too well. 
 
 9 . You did think to scoff at some gentlemen 
 that have served in some honourable services, 
 
v_7 
 
 AN APOLOGY. H 
 
 though with no great good success. As I am 
 a gentleman, not guilty; neither do I mean 
 any; but such as will needs be called M. 
 Captains, having neither carried out with them, 
 nor brought home with them, worth, wealth, 
 or wit. 
 
 You did seek to discredit the honest meaning 10 . 
 and laudable endeavours of some zealous and 
 honest men, that seek for reformation, and 
 labour faithfully and fruitfully in the world. 
 To this, in all and every not guilty; provided 
 they rail not against bishops, nor against the 
 communion book. 
 
 You did intend some scorn to great magis- 11 . 
 trates and men in authority, either alive or 
 deceased, under covert names to cover some 
 knavery. Knavery? no, as God judge me, my 
 lord, not guilty: the good yere of all the 
 knavery and knaves for me. By whom will 
 you be tried? By the queen and the ladies, 
 by the counsel and the lords. What, saucy 
 younker, will not meaner trial serve you? No, 
 good faith, my lord; I loved alway to be the 
 worst of the company. 
 
 Well, sirrah, this is the judgment of the 
 
12 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 Ano. 1. 2. 
 Phil, and Mar. 
 cap. 3. 
 
 Ano. 23. Elis, 
 cap. 2. 
 
 court: that because there is hope that you 
 may prove a wiser man hereafter, and that you 
 have some better friends than you are worthy 
 of, you shall have this favour; if the indict¬ 
 ment happen to be found, you shall traverse 
 it, and you shall choose twelve freeholders 
 bonos et legates homines , that shall inquire of 
 the quality of your discourse, and bring in 
 their verdict quindena pascha ,* and if they 
 find you guilty, you shall have a hole bored in 
 your ear. What to do; to wear my mistress 
 favour atr Now, God save your mistress life, 
 my lord. Clerk of the peace, draw his indict¬ 
 ment upon the four last articles that he denied, 
 and upon the statute of Scandala; for I tell 
 you we must teach you to learn the laws of 
 the realm, as well as your rules of poetry. 
 Laws? I trow I have the law at my fingers 
 ends: 
 
 Aures per dentes super et sint pillory st antes, 
 
 Scanda rumantes in regis consiliantes ; 
 
 Aut in magnates nova sediciosa loquentes, 
 
 Non producentes autores verba serentes . 
 
 Their ears must on the pillory be nail'd, 
 
 That have against her Highness ’ counsel rail'd ; 
 
 Or such as of the peers foul brutes do scatter, 
 
 And cannot Irring their author for the matter. 
 
 --- - — 
 
 r - 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 13 
 
 Wherefore, you shall find I will keep me 
 safe enough from scandalizing. And if you do, 
 it is the better for you. 
 
 What is your name? Misacmos . What? it 
 is a Welsh name, I think: Of whence do you 
 write yourself? Misacmos , of Caernarvon, gen¬ 
 tleman. Who made you of Caernarvon ? She 
 that made you of England. Well, you shall 
 fare never the worse for that; but look to the 
 answering of your indictment, I advise you. 
 
 What must I have no counsel ? Straight a big 
 fellow, with a biggin on his head, and his gown i mean no 
 off of one shoulder, cries no, the Queen is a time but one 
 
 77 that Martial 
 
 party. But I had rather your gown were off c P eHks of - 
 the other shoulder, and your head after, then 
 you should make her a party against me; and 
 yet, as ill as I love you, I would my second son 
 had changed possibilities with your eldest, for 
 a thing that I know. And thus after a few 
 wrangling words, methought the court rose for 
 that time; and suddenly my man came bustling 
 into my chamber, and told me that all the 
 gentlemen that had been riding on the heath 
 were come back again, and that it was near 
 eleven of the clock; and straight 1 called for 
 
14 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 my suit of Abrizetta, and made all the haste 1 
 could to make me ready, not so much as tar¬ 
 rying to say my prayers, lest I might not come 
 time enough to the peace of God at the closet, 
 and so I might be in danger to lose my 
 dinner. 
 
 But having somewhat better pondered with 
 myself this foresaid fancy, I was somewhat 
 troubled with it, not so much for those hanging 
 metaphors, for as a good knight of our country 
 said, gogs soul sirs, the best gentleman of 
 us all, need not forswear hanging, but that I 
 thought that my genius hereby presaged to me 
 some peril to my reputation, of the sundry 
 censures I should incur, by letting such a pam¬ 
 phlet fly abroad at such a time, when every 
 thing is taken at the voley; and therefore I 
 held it not unnecessary, as much as in me lay, 
 to keep it from the view and censure of all 
 such as were like to deride it, despise it, or 
 disgrace it; and to recommend it only to all 
 such as I thought would allow it and approve 
 it. For to confess the truth frankly to you, 
 my good cousins, o teal rj (piXoffriXirvog, I desire 
 not altogether to have it concealed, lest some 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 15 
 
 hungry promoting fellows should beg it as a 
 concealment, and beg the author also, for 
 writing a thing that he were ashamed to shew; 
 but if I might govern the matter as I would, I 
 would generally recommend it only to such 
 as have houses and families of their own. For 
 I remember I have read of a certain king of 
 the Lacedemonians, that being one day private 
 in his garden, was teaching one of his sons ot 
 live years old to ride on a stick, and unawares 
 a great ambassador came to speak with him, 
 and found him in the manner: at which, both 
 the king and the ambassador in the kings 
 behalf began to blush at first; but soon after, 
 the king put away the blush and the hobby¬ 
 horse together, and with a pretty smile asked 
 the ambassador if he had any little children of 
 his own; he answered, no: then, said he, I 
 pray you tell not what you found me doing, till 
 you have some little ones of your own, and* 
 then tell it, and spare not: for even so, I 
 would request men to forbear reading of this 
 discourse, or at least reproving of it till they had 
 of their own that, that would make them know 
 the commodity and cleanliness of it; and for 
 
' 
 
 
 l6 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 those that will not, I would but wish them (as 
 Martial wishes to Charinus), 
 
 Quid imprecabor O severe Liventi , 
 
 Opto Mulos habeat et suburbanum. 
 
 So I would they could ride on their foot- 
 cloth, and had a house, and a jax of their 
 own. Yet, surely it may be, it were the wisest 
 way to shew it to none at all; and so I half 
 wish sometimes: but because every general rule 
 must have his exception, you shall see whom I 
 would be content both the discourse and the 
 device may be shewed unto, 
 i. First, to a good and judicious scholar; for 
 
 ^heM^Tthe 0 " * ie rea( * lty ere * ie judge of it, and say, 
 omnia probate; and then perhaps, after he hath 
 read it, he will smile, and say it is some young 
 scholars work, that would have shewed more 
 wit if he had had it; but it is well, ridentern 
 • dicere verum quis vetat, etc . And then he will 
 say, it were good some of his friends would 
 advise him to spend his talent and his time on 
 some better subject. But some supercilious 
 fellow, or some stale scribe, that think men 
 will not judge them to be learned except they 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 17 
 
 find faults, they will swear a man would have 
 written as well, that had read but Marcus 
 Aurelius . 
 
 Secondly, I would have it shewed to a house- c. 
 keeper that hath much resort to him; for it 
 were not only a deed of charity to help such 
 a one, but a sin to hide it from him; for else 
 he may pick a quarrel, and say, that this same 
 company hath so stenched up his house, that a common 
 
 .. t i ... excuse of su 
 
 lie must be forced to lie at London till his as break up 
 
 houso. 
 
 house be made sweeter. 
 
 Thirdly, if one be a builder and no house- j. 
 keeper, let him see it too, for he loves to have 
 all fine for his heir; and perhaps I would be 
 content for the love I have had to that humour, 
 that my master his son, were married to his 
 mistress my daughter, as Heywood saith of a 
 lusty old widower, that wooed a young woman, 
 and boasting how well he would provide for 
 his son: 
 
 In a short tale, when his long tale was done, 
 
 She pray'd him go home, and send her his sen. 
 
 But if one be a builder and a housekeeper 
 both, then I will come home to his house to 
 him; I will read him a lecture of it, I will 
 
18 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 instruct his workman, I will give him plots and 
 models, and do him all the service I can; for 
 that is a man of my own humour, and a good 
 commonwealths-man; but yet I will give him 
 a caveat in his ear that I learned of Sir Thomas 
 More, if his purse be not well furnished: 
 
 JEdificare domos mult as, et pascere multos, 
 
 Est ad pauperiem, semita laxa nimis. 
 
 The way from wealth and store, to want and need, 
 
 Is much to build, and many mouths to feed. 
 
 Fourthly, if you would know whether you 
 should shew it to ladies. Yea, in any wise to 
 all manner of ladies; of the court, of the 
 country, of the city; great ladies, lesser ladies, 
 learned, ignorant, wise, simple, foul, well- 
 favoured, painted, unpainted, so they be ladies, 
 you may boldly prefer it to them: for your 
 milkmaids and country housewives may walk 
 to the woods to gather strawberries, &c. 
 
 But greater states cannot do so; and there¬ 
 fore for them it is a commodity more than I 
 will speak of; yet upon a touch of this point, 
 make me but a good rhyme to this line afore 
 dinner: 
 
 Within yon tower there is a flower that holds my heart. 
 
AN APOLOGY, 
 
 19 
 
 Howbeit, you must not shew it after one 
 fashion to all; but to the wise and sober, after 
 a plain fashion; to the wanton and waggish, 
 after another fashion; as namely, if they cry 
 (lie for shame) when they hear the title read or 
 such like, do but you say (for company) that it 
 is a mad fantastical book indeed; and when 
 you have done, hide it away, but where they 
 may find it, and by the next day they will be 
 as cunning in it as you; for this is not the first 
 time that I have said of such a kind of book, 
 
 In Brutus’ presence, Lucrece will refuse it; 
 
 Let him hut turn his back, and shell peruse it. 
 
 Fifthly, you may shew it to all amorous 
 young youths, that will scratch their head but 
 with one finger at once (as Cato noted of 
 Casar), and had rather be noted of three dis¬ 
 orders in their lives than of one in their locks; 
 and especially if they be so cleanly that they 
 will not eat pottage (no not alone), but that 
 they will wipe their spoon between every 
 spoonful, for fear lest their upper lip should 
 infect the nether: for I would think certainly, 
 that such a one, if he be so cleanly as he 
 would seem to be, would make great account 
 N 
 
<20 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 of A jax so well reformed. But yet the 
 world is so full of dissimulation and hypocrisy, 
 that we of the plainer sort may be easily 
 deceived: for I heard of one the last day, in a 
 town a hundred mile from London, that had 
 engrossed all the fine fashions into his hands, 
 of the curling, perfuming, wiping the spoon, 
 &c.; and yet after all this cleanliness went to 
 as common and as deformed a jax of the 
 feminine gender as any was in the town; and 
 then, alas! what will such a one care for my 
 device. 
 
 praise of fat Lastly, I would have it shewed to all good, 
 
 mem 
 
 fat, corpulent men, that carry with them a writ 
 of Corpus cum causa , for they are commonly 
 the best natured men that be; without fraud, 
 without treachery, as Cccsar said of Anthony 
 and Dolobella, that he never mistrusted them 
 for any practise because he saw they were fat; 
 but rather Casca and Cassius , that were lean 
 hollow fellows, and cared not for a good dinner: 
 and therefore I would be censured by those 
 good fellows that have less gall; and the rather, 
 because I look every day for press money from 
 the captain, to be employed in the conquest of 
 
 Lubberland. 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 21 
 
 that country, and this engine of mine is like to 
 be in great request for those services. 
 
 But methinks you may say, that here is a 
 marvellous restraint made of shewing this 
 discourse of mine, not much unlike to our 
 stage-keepers in Cambridge, that for fear lest 
 they should want company to see their come¬ 
 dies, go up and down with vizors and lights, 
 puffing and thrusting, and keeping out all 
 men so precisely, till all the town is drawn by 
 this revel to the place; and at last, tag and rag, 
 fresh men and sub-sizers, and all be packed in 
 together so thick, as now is scant left room for 
 the prologue to come upon the stage: for so 
 you may suppose that I would bar all from 
 this pamphlet of mine, save those that can 
 write, or read, or understand. But if you take 
 it thus, you do much mistake it; for there be 
 divers from whom I would keep it as I would 
 from lire and water, as for example: 
 
 First, from a passing proud fellow, such a 1. 
 
 r . . Four soils of 
 
 one as Naaman the Syrian, that would disdain men that will 
 
 J m mislike or the 
 
 to wash in Jordan though it would cure him book, 
 of the leprosy or the pox; and to such, for my 
 part, I would wish they might lay all in their 
 
22 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 gold breeches, rather than to abase their high 
 conceits so much, as to think upon poor master 
 A JAX. 
 
 e. Secondly, from all manner of fools and 
 jesters, whether they be artificial or natural; 
 for those be so dull, they cannot taste the salt 
 in a piece of well powdered writing; and 
 those be so tart, they will rather lose a friend 
 than a jest: yet if their railing were allayed a 
 little, with the two excellent virtues of flatter¬ 
 ing and begging, one might hope for some 
 kindness at their hands. 
 
 3. Thirdly, if you spy a fellow with a bay leaf 
 in his mouth, avoid him; for he carrieth a thing 
 about him worse than master A jax, that all 
 the devices we have cannot reform. 
 
 4. Fourthly, if you see a stale, lean, hungry, 
 poor, beggarly, threadbare cavaliero, like to 
 Lazarillo’s master, that when he dined at his 
 own house, came forth with more crumbs of 
 bread on his beard than in his belly, and that 
 being descended of divers nobilities, will do a 
 mean gentleman the honour to borrow ten 
 shillings of him, shew it not him; for though 
 he can say nothing against it, yet he will leer 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 
 23 
 
 under his hat as though he could speak more 
 than he thinks. For such a one that makes 
 not a good meal at home once in a month, 
 hath not a good stool above once in a week, 
 and then he will never say us gramercy for 
 it: and this I may say to you is a consideration 
 of no small importance; for though I must 
 acknowledge that is not one of the meritorious 
 works I look to be saved by, yet to have a 
 prayer or two from some, that perhaps nevei 
 say a prayer any where else, would do me 
 no hurt, nor them neither. And methink I 
 might much better deserve a kn-ave mary to be 
 said for me where my stately A J ax is admitted, 
 and stands men instead, than he for whose 
 soul the young gentleman, the first time he 
 consummated his marriage with his wife, said 
 a paternoster; and being asked for whom he 
 prayed, he told his wife it was for his soul that 
 had taken the pains to make his way so easy 
 for him. Oh! sir, said she, it is a sign you 
 have travelled such ways more than an honest 
 man should have done, that you are so cunning; 
 and so they became good friends. But ware 
 riot, ho! whither am I running? I said, I would 
 

 if jt 
 
 Proud. 
 
 Fools. 
 
 Beggars. 
 
 24 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 keep me from scandalizing; but if I stop not 
 betime, some will think to have their action in 
 the case against me; yet it is good to cast the 
 worst. Suppose, that for my bad inditing, I 
 should be indicted, as it is twenty to one but if 
 the grand jury were pricked by a bad sheriff, 
 out of those four last mentioned suits (and of 
 three of them you shall have a full appearance 
 in most courts of Christendom), they will sure 
 say, billa vera , though they should say of right 
 nothing but ignoramus . But see, see, even 
 with thinking of it I fall again into my former 
 melancholy; methink the indictment is found, 
 I am arraigned, I plead not guilty, I would still 
 be tried by the nobility, by such as build stately 
 palaces and keep great courts, but it will not 
 be granted me; I must have none but free¬ 
 holders, I chafe at it and would appeal: they 
 cry it is not the course of the common law; I 
 praise the civil law; for there a man may hold 
 play with appealing, if he have a little idle 
 money to spend, three or four years. At last 
 comes the little dapper fellow, my honest 
 attorney, that knew better the course of these 
 matters than I did; and he rounds me in the 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 2.5 
 
 ear, and tells me, that for forty shillings to 
 master high-sheriflPs man that wears the russet 
 satin doublet and the yellow silk stockings, he 
 will undertake I shall have a jury of good 
 freeholders, but for the nobility, it is out of 
 their commission: and, sir (saith he), what need 
 you to stand so much on the nobility, con¬ 
 sidering you desire to have none but great 
 housekeepers and builders? For suppose you 
 could get three or four to appear, one at Pet- 
 worth, another hard by there at Coudrey (where, 
 in the old viscounts time, Jupiter hospitalis , is 
 said to have dwelt); and the young lord I hear 
 doth patrisare , or rather I should say avisare 
 (and that is a good word if he will mark it). 
 Say also another dwelt at Ragland in Mon¬ 
 mouthshire, where I heard a good knight of 
 Gloucestershire affirm, the most honourable 
 house of that realm was kept; and a fourth at 
 Nonesuch, where the housekeeper for true 
 English noblesse and honour, deserves the name 
 better than the house. But when you shall 
 think to make up the tales , where will you have 
 them? some will be non est inventus in baliva y 
 some that you love best will not be perhaps 
 
26 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 intra quatuor maria: wherefore the judge was 
 your friend more than you were aw^are, that 
 gives you choice of freeholders. 
 
 Believe me (said I), I think it is so indeed; 
 hold thee, my little dapper knave, there is forty 
 shillings for master sheriff’s man to buy him 
 wooden stocks another pair of silk stockings, and there is 
 
 ■were fitter for . 
 
 th, m than silk forty pence for thy good counsel; and see you 
 find me a jury of substantial freeholders, that 
 are good housekeepers, to try my honesty by. 
 
 He goeth, and ere an ape can crack a nut 
 (as they say) he brings the names; and master 
 crier he comes, twenty shillings in his shoes, 
 and calls them, though he be sure they cannot 
 hear him, as followeth : 
 
 i. John Harington, of Exton in the county of 
 Rutland, knight; alias John Har: of Burleigh 
 in the county aforesaid, alias of Combe in the 
 county of Warwick, alias of Ooston in the 
 county of Leicester, come into the court, or 
 else, &c. Hath he freehold? Yea, he is a 
 pretty freeholder in all these shires: Moreover, 
 saith a third man, though he be a freeholder, 
 yet he hath married his daughter to one, that 
 for a grandfather, for a father, for two uncles, 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 vs 
 
 27 
 
 and three or four aunts, may compare with 
 most men in England. Lastly, a fourth said, 
 and four hundred confirm it, that he relieves 
 many poor and sets them to work; he builds 
 not only his own houses, but colleges and 
 hospitals. Marry, sir, then shall he be foreman 
 of my jury with all my very heart: a builder 
 and an housekeeper both? you cannot devise 
 to please me better. I would there were a 
 decern tales in every shire in England, and on 
 that condition I would be glad to be one of 
 them. Well, what have you to say to Sir 
 John Harington? Marry, this. Here is one 
 Misacmos , that is an accused servant of the 
 state, to be a writer of fantastical pamphlets 
 to corrupt manners; the same suspected of 
 divers untruths and treasons, not sparing the 
 majesty of kings and great emperors (saying 
 one was a cuckold and a fool, another had 
 an ill face, as in the pamphlet itself more 
 plainly appeareth): now because it seems he 
 is a gentleman, and of reasonable good breed¬ 
 ing, he craves to be tried by a substantial jury; 
 of which, for many respects, he will have you 
 to be the foreman: he pleads to all the prin- 
 
28 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 cipal matters, not guilty; and justifies, that 
 those things they call untruth and treason, are 
 truth and reason. He is to be tried by God 
 and country, which country you are; where¬ 
 fore, your charge is (if it please you) to read 
 the whole treatise at your leisure, and then to 
 say how you like it. He saith further, he cares 
 not to have you sworn, because your word 
 will be taken for a greater matter than this 
 by ten thousand pounds without oath. Jury 
 Harington. 
 
 2. Who is next? Sir John Peter, of Stonden in 
 ' the county of Essex, knight, a good house¬ 
 keeper, and a builder both. Hath he freehold ? 
 Yea, so, so, I think he may wear velvet and 
 satin (by the statute of 4 and 5 Phil. Ma.), 
 for he may dispend twenty marks a year, ultra 
 reprisas. 
 
 Well, because he is. a builder and a house¬ 
 keeper, I hope he will not deny me to be of 
 my jury. The same charge, &c. that Sir John 
 Harington took, you &c.; and so long may you 
 keep a good house. Jury Peter. 
 
 3 . Sir John Spenser, knight, a good substantial 
 freeholder in Northamptonshire, and a good 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 29 
 
 housekeeper, and so was the father afore him: 
 
 Oh! I remember him; he had a poor neigh¬ 
 bour once dwelt at Holmeby, that made four 
 verses, if I have not forgot them, were forty 
 shillings out of his way: 
 
 Erupuit sors dura mihi, sors altera reddit. 
 
 Hac loca quce veteri , rudere structa tides: 
 
 Actemos vivat y magna Elisabetha per annos, 
 
 Qiup me tam grato , Icetofavore beat . 
 
 By St. Mary he had good cause to say, well 
 fare a good mistress, or else Holmeby had been 
 joined to your freehold. How say you, worthy There^were 
 knight (and the best man of your name that is, Spensers, 
 but not that hath been), will you be of our 
 jury? You will say, you know not this same 
 Misacmos . It may be so very well; for I 
 
 think the fellow doth scarce know himself at 
 this instant, and yet he learned yvoQi aeavrov 
 twenty years ago. Well, I presume you will 
 not refuse it; for though you never heard of 
 him, it seems he hath heard of you: I will tell 
 you two or three good tokens; you have three 
 or four sisters, good, well-favoured, well-fea¬ 
 tured, well-statured, well-natured women, for 
 plain country wenches; and they were married 
 
30 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 to men a step or two, or three or four, above 
 the best yeomen of Kent (well fare all good 
 tokens); and one of them is a widow; I beshrew 
 their hearts, and I would their wives were 
 widows that made her so: I trow it was Sir 
 James Harington and your father, that went a 
 begging to make a purse to marry their daugh¬ 
 ters : but you will make a hundred of us go a 
 begging, if we should follow you: will you 
 have any more tokens yet? you had a brother 
 of Lincoln’s Inn, and another they say keeps a 
 good house, for I ween the best housekeeper in 
 England was at his house: yet one token 
 more: you have a learned writer of your 
 name, make much of him, for it is not the 
 least honour of your honourable family Jury 
 Spenser. 
 
 4. Thomas Stanop, knight, of Shelford in the 
 county of Nottingham, a housekeeper, a builder, 
 a substantial freeholder, come into the court. 
 Alas! sir, he is lame, he cannot come. Is he 
 so indeed ? I am sorry for it: I have heard that 
 he hath borne some sway in his country, yet 
 bid him not forget the old proverb, a good 
 friend in the court is worth a penny in the purse 
 
T 
 
 ^7 
 
 fee 
 good 
 brew 
 were 
 s Sir 
 ?nta 
 ugh- 
 (0 a 
 
 fOU 
 
 her 
 psa 
 er in 
 oken 
 your 
 t the 
 fury 
 
 i the 
 Mer, 
 court. 
 
 Isle 
 rd that 
 ryjet 
 good 
 parse 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 at all times. Well, if he cannot come, let us 
 have another. Oh, sir (saith one), stay but a 
 'paternoster while, and you may have his son 
 in his place. What, master John Stanop, my 
 old schoolfellow, an honest and valiant gen¬ 
 tleman ? I will tarry for him with all my heart. 
 
 To the next. 
 
 Matthew Arundell, knight, of Warder in the 5. 
 county of Wiltshire, a good freeholder and a 
 builder. Tush! he is no housekeeper, so said 
 one that dwells threescore miles to Trent north¬ 
 ward. Is it so? I will know within this month 
 if it be so or no; in the mean season I will 
 venture to take him, if I can meet with him. 
 
 For, first, I doubt if he himself that said so, 
 have spent so much in honourable services as 
 this freeholders son hath done. 
 
 Secondly, I have seen both lords and ladies 
 as well entertained in his poor house, and 
 served in as fine plate and porcelain as any is 
 in the north. And admit he w r ere no house¬ 
 keeper, yet I would have him, because I hear 
 he is a good horsekeeper, a red deer keeper, a norsekeeper. 
 fallow deer keeper, and other such base things 
 as may enable him for my jury. Come on, old 
 
32 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 father Peleus; he looks like Prester John in 
 his furred nightcap; but he hath more wit 
 under that cap than two or three of his neigh¬ 
 bours. Will it please you, sir, to be of our 
 jury? It shall cost the life of one of the bald- 
 faced bucks else. What, are you angry I call 
 you Peleus ? If I were but another Promo- 
 theus , I would swear your fortune should be, 
 to be like Peleus: for the time was, that one 
 wrote of your Thetis , when she waited on 
 Diana at Hatfield; 
 
 Who marketh well her grace, thereby may plainly see 
 
 A Laura in her face, and not a Willoughby . 
 
 Whist! peace (saith my little attorney in 
 mine ear)! you that are so full of your poetry; 
 we shall have a new indictment framed against 
 you, upon the statute of rogues , for telling of 
 fortunes. Have you a verse for that too? 
 Yes, marry, have I, sir: 
 
 Fati narrator, JEgiptus prestigiator, 
 
 Aure perurantur, simul atque flagella sequantur. 
 
 All fortune-tellers, jugglers, and Egyptians, 
 
 Are burn'd in th' ear, or whipp'd by laws prescriptions . 
 
 Notwithstanding, I trust a man may by 
 poetica licentia , and by example of Virgil , tell 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 v7 
 
 fortunes that be past, yet little said is soon 
 amended; howbeit, I will not forget to be 
 thankful to this good knight for one special 
 favour he did me; and that was, he made me 
 go when I was with him atWardour to as stately 
 A jax house (for a summer house), and as 
 sweet as any can be, in a standing made in an 
 oak, that hangs over a pond; and marvel not I 
 call it stately: for this master A jax, if you 
 bring but an angle-rod and a cross-bow with 
 you, will afford choice of three royal sports, 
 to kill deer, fowl, and sfih. Now this, I take it, 
 was more than common kindness; and so much 
 for jury Arundell. 
 
 Francis Willoughby, knight, of Wollerton 6. 
 in the county of Nottingham, a good free¬ 
 holder, a housekeeper, and a great builder. 
 Oh! my neighbour that dwells a hundred miles 
 from me, and yet but a hedge parts our land: 
 good morrow, neighbour, with the fair house, 
 the fair wife, and the fair living: Tout beau , I 
 pray you let us have a fair verdict from you in 
 our matter, or else I will promise you I will 
 rather lie in the worst inn in Nottingham, than 
 in the fairest bedchamber in your house: and 
 
34 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 if you will be of our side I will pray that all 
 your fairs may be the fairer one for another. 
 Jury Willoughby. 
 
 7 . John Berin, knight, of the same county, a 
 great good housekeeper; marry, God's blessing 
 on his heart for it. Indeed, I remember they 
 would say, that Sir John Berin for Nottingham¬ 
 shire, was as great a housekeeper as Sir Edward 
 Baynton in Wiltshire; and then I will be sworn 
 he was a good one. Well, let us make much 
 of him, for there is but a few of them left; I 
 trust he will not refuse me for my jury. Jury 
 Berin. 
 
 8. George Sampoole, knight, a Lincolnshire 
 man, and a Lincoln’s Inn man, a good free¬ 
 holder, and keeps a good house in his country 
 (as I hear); but I know my neighbours of 
 Bath will affirm that he kept good hospitality 
 there; and that he and his fair lady both, are a 
 worthy, virtuous, and a godly couple. 
 
 W ell, let them be as godly as they may, and 
 as perfect in the Scripture as Priscilla and 
 Aquila , I hope they will not deny but I have 
 good authorities for my teshe, and give a 
 friendly verdict. Jury Sampoole. 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 
 iat all 
 lOther. 
 
 nty, a 
 essiog 
 r they 
 [flam- 
 ward 
 vom 
 mch 
 
 M 
 
 Jury 
 
 nsliire 
 free* 
 uatrj 
 rs of 
 Ltality 
 , area 
 
 ay, and 
 'la aud 
 
 lb 
 
 give a / 
 
 35 
 
 Ralph Horsey, knight, the best housekeeper 9. 
 in Dorsetshire, a good freeholder, a deputy 
 lieutenant. Oh, sir, you keep hawks, and 
 hounds, and hunting horses; it may be some 
 mad fellow will say, you must stand in the 
 bath up to the chin, for spending five hundred Adding to 
 pounds to catch hares and partridges, that 
 might be taken for five pounds. 
 
 But if you do come to Bath (so you will 
 be one of my jury), I will stand as deep in the 
 bath as you; and it is odds but at the spring 
 and fall we shall meet good company there. 
 
 I pray you give a friendly verdict, for old 
 acquaintance between King’s College and Tri¬ 
 nity College. Jury Horsey. 
 
 Sir Hugh Portman, of Orchard in the 10 . 
 county of Somerset, knight, a good house¬ 
 keeper, a builder, and a substantial freeholder. 
 
 Marry, sir, I might ill have spared him. Come, 
 my good knight, I have kept you in store for 
 a dead lift; I hope you will stick close to us 
 for the law; for you have as much if you list 
 to shew it as some that wear coifs. Besides, 
 you have that same sovereign medicine against 
 the consumption, called aurumpotabile: and 1 
 
 o 
 

 Gratis signifi- 
 eth to thankful 
 persons. But 
 gratis, the ad¬ 
 verb, signifies 
 freely. 
 
 J6 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 know your neighbours of Taunton say you 
 are liberal of it; and for your good hospitality, 
 your neighbours of the court will say, you are 
 no niggard of your meat. Yet I remember 
 one day when I told a good friend of yours 
 that I was sure you never took usury, well 
 (saith he) though I grant he doth many men 
 kind pleasures, yet he doth them not all gratis . 
 I promised him I would tell you so, and to 
 pick a further thank, I will tell you what I 
 answered him (for I guessed at his meaning by 
 means I had once some smattering of the 
 Latin tongue): if your gratis (quoth I) be an 
 adjective, the fault is theirs, and the praise is 
 his. 
 
 Well, Sir Hugo, I will come shortly and 
 see your new builded orchard (I think there is 
 not two better orchards in England, and put 
 Kent to it); and when we have conferred for 
 reforming one fault there (you can smell my 
 meaning I am sure), then would I ask your 
 opinion, which makes a man happier, to be 
 wise or rich: I asked a philosopher once, and 
 he said he could not tell, because he saw still 
 the wise men wait at the rich mens doors. 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 
 I you 
 Italy, 
 )u are 
 Jinbei 
 yours 
 , well 
 men 
 mtk 
 id to 
 wt I 
 njbj 
 f the 
 bean 
 aise is 
 
 iere is 
 id put 
 red for 
 aell my 
 sk your 
 r,tok 
 ice, and 
 saw still 
 ors. 
 
 37 
 
 Well, happy are you if you can decide this 
 question, and happier if you cannot decide it. 
 A rich man, a wise man, a builder, and espe¬ 
 cially a bachelor. Franco , sciolto , stegato , O 
 chefelice , stato ? Wherefore keep you so still, 
 and believe me it is the happiest state; yet tell 
 not my wife that I say so, for (of my honesty) 
 she will make me unsay it again with all my 
 heart. Jury Portman. Crier count them. 
 
 Sir John Harington, one; Sir John Peter, 
 two; Sir John Spenser, three; Sir Thomas 
 Stanop, four; Sir Matthew Arundell, five; 
 Sir Francis Willoughby, six; Sir John Berin, 
 seven; Sir George Sampoole, eight; Sir Ralph 
 Horsey, nine; Sir Hugh Portman, ten. Whoop! 
 why how now, master K. sheriff’s man? Here 
 is but ten, give me a noble of my forty shillings 
 back again. Oh, speak soft, sir, you shall have 
 a tales for two more, the best we can get, but 
 we can find no more knights. There is two 
 names more for you. Who have we here? 
 Ralph Sheldon, of Beeley in the county of 
 Worcester, esquire; Thomas Markham, gen¬ 
 tleman. 
 
 First, let us see what this Sheldon is. Hath 
 o 2 
 
 
38 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 
 he freeholds? Yea, sir, he is a good freeholder, 
 a great housekeeper, a builder, an excellent 
 commonwealths man as any is in all his 
 country; I will warrant you he will be for you. 
 
 what is a Not too much of your warrants. What said 
 
 knaves war- _ mi 1 • 
 
 rant worth? Henry 1 uttle to his grandfather: (jrive me 
 
 A by-word in # ° 
 
 Somersetshire, leave I pray you a little, I have heard he is an 
 unthrift; I have forgotten at what game it 
 was, but I am sure it was said, if he had not 
 fair play played him, he was in danger within 
 these two years to have lost his land by one 
 
 And let him play or other. By the mass, it is true there 
 
 jan’s soni with was such a matter. Well, let him thank a 
 
 St. Gregory. 
 
 guiltless conscience and a gracious princess 
 that he sped no worse. Oh, these same oves 
 et boves, et pecora , campi , a flock of white 
 sheep in a green field, and a new house on a 
 high hill; I tell you they be perilous tempting 
 marks to shoot at. 
 
 It is strange to see the world; not half a year 
 before, I heard one that was a great courtier 
 say, that he thought him one of the sufficientest 
 wise men of England, and fittest to have been 
 made of the council but for one matter; and 
 indeed, by Cornelius A grippes rule, that is 
 

 
 older, 
 ellent 
 II fe 
 'you. 
 t said 
 e me 
 is an 
 e it 
 not 
 thin 
 one 
 there 
 nk a 
 icess 
 
 m 
 
 fhite 
 
 ina 
 
 iting 
 
 lyear 
 rnrtier 
 entest 
 ? been 
 ■; and 
 iati 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 39 
 
 a right courtiers commendation: For after they 
 had roved three *or four idle words to praise a 
 man, straight they marr all at the buts: I 
 would to God, for their own sakes and mine 
 too, they could leave it. Well, master Shel¬ 
 don, I pray you be of our jury, for you have 
 made a fine house at Weston (but I know one 
 fault in it). Now, though I praise your house 
 like a courtier with a but, you must bring in 
 your verdict like a plain countryman without 
 the but. 
 
 Thomas Markham, gentleman, come to the 
 court: which Markham is this? black Mark¬ 
 ham, keeper of Bescowd: why he is an 
 esquire, I trow I have a verse for it made by a 
 most honourable poet; 
 
 Thomas Markham , the gentle 'squire, 
 
 Whom Sir Fulke Greville call'd a grimsire. 
 
 Yea, it is true; but the case is altered since: 
 for that same good knight is lame, or else I 
 dare answer he would have appeared on this 
 jury himself (and his son is an honourable 
 gentleman, and a great statesman may do a 
 man displeasure about the queen, it is not good 
 troubling of him). If he be that Markham I 
 
 I 
 
40 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 will none of him, for I heard a noble philoso¬ 
 pher of the same coat that die poet was, say 
 that he is a stoic, and I will no stoics of my 
 jury; of the two extremes, I would rather 
 have epicures. Besides that, I would have no 
 such black fellows; for we shall have some of 
 these poetry men say, as one said of Sir Harry 
 Goodyeare, when he wrote Candida sint comi- 
 tum Goodyeery nil nisi nigrum , he wrote 
 underneath it, Hie niger est, hunc tu regina 
 careto; a good yeere on him for his good 
 caveat, for he hath had since some young 
 scholars that have learned to put in the like 
 caveats. Cave credas , take heed you trust him 
 not: but Tully saith in his oration pro Ligario y 
 nonne omnem humanitatem exuerunt? Have 
 they not cast away all sense of humanity ? And 
 a little after saith the same Tully of Cave 
 ignoscas; here nec kominis , nee ad hominem 
 vox: qua qui apud te C. Ccesar utetur, suam 
 ipsi citius abiicient humanitatem , quam extor- 
 quebunt tuam. Thus in England: take heed 
 you pardon not. O, lewd speech, not fit to 
 be spoken of a man nor to a man; which 
 speech, whosoever shall use to thee (O more 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 VZ7 
 
 41 
 
 than Casar), shall sooner discover their own 
 cruel inclination, than extort from thee thy 
 natural clemency. O, divine Tally , is not 
 this Christianly spoken of a heathen? were 
 not that heathenishly spoken of a Christian? 
 
 Well, he that should put in such a caveat for 
 me, I would follow presently a quare impedit, 
 why I might not present him for a cnave at 
 little Brainford and less honesty. 
 
 Thomas Markham, gentleman, come to the 
 court. Yet again? I tell thee I will none ofinmemori* 
 
 aeterna erit jos- 
 
 him, one said he looked black on him: yea, tus. 
 but he that found such fault with his com¬ 
 plexion, I heard one tell him was dead, and he Accused and 
 
 r 7 said, Lopus 
 
 answered very charitably, young he was, and J^d bidwm 
 poor he was, and knave he was; and so God 
 have mercy on his knaves soul. Faith, that is C Tanqulm\ter- 
 like enough to be his answer. Then it may be vnpiorum. 
 he is clear otherwise, though he look black. 
 
 Clear, yea on my word. Candido piu nel cuor 
 che di fuor cigno: What is that? Rara avis 
 in terris nigroque similimo cigno; Just as 
 Jermin’s lips; now you have compared him 
 well, as white as a black swan. Well, I have 
 no mind to have him of my jury, he is but a 
 
42 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 ry 
 
 
 poor freeholder, he hath no credit. No credit? 
 why his bond hath been taken for twenty thou¬ 
 sand pounds. Hath it? more fool he, I will 
 never trust him for half so much; I pray thee 
 look me some better freeholder. Why, sir? I 
 advise you do not scorn him; though he be no 
 knight, he had a knight to his father, and hath 
 a knight to his son, you may well admit him of 
 your jury. I tell thee, my little knave, thou 
 dost press me beyond good manners; I will 
 not have him. Hark in your ear, they say he 
 is malcontent. Who saith so? Nay, who saith 
 a lewd libel not so? Unton is undone; Markham is malcon- 
 
 inadtj at the 
 
 death of the tent. Who hath not heard that? wherefore 
 
 Lord Chancel¬ 
 lor Hatton, make no more ado, but send me for his nephew 
 
 Robert, that came of the elder house and of 
 the blood of Lancaster; he that master secre¬ 
 tary Walsingham gave the Arabian horse; I 
 would have him, he is a fairer complexioned 
 man by half, and in sadness I wish him well. 
 Heigh ho: what, dost thou sigh? Alas! sir, he 
 would come with all his heart, but he is busy 
 sitting on a commission (I have forgotten in 
 King’s Bench, what bench it is), and when he hath done there, 
 
 Pennyless 7 
 
 Bench. he must go they say to another bench at 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 43 
 
 Oxford. What, Robert Markham of Cottam? 
 so honest a gentleman, so good a housekeeper, 
 so well descended, so well affected in religion, 
 and become such a bencher, that when he is 
 called is forthcoming, but not coming forth ? I 
 am sorry I can do him no pleasure; I would 
 his best cousin did know it. The time hath 
 been, that if he could have walked with a 
 little stick like a ragged staff on his sleeve, or 
 if he had had but a walking hind, or a ramping 
 sta«\ or the white bird that is such a beauty to 
 the Thames, he should not have lain so long 
 after his resting: well, then I perceive the 
 world goeth hard on all the Markham’s sides; 
 
 I think they be all malcontents, they shall none 
 of them be of my jury: I pray God they do 
 not say that I am of kin to them, for indeed my 
 name Misacmos begins with an M. "Vi hat, if 
 one should write Misacmos is malcontent ; I 
 would leap upon the letter and reply, By your 
 leave you lie like a lout, lewd master libeller. 
 But Markham is malcontent; how prove you 
 it? Scriptum est enim, for it is written, but is 
 in libro jictitio. I would you could name me 
 your author; yet let us examine this ignoto, if 
 

 44 
 
 AN APOLOGY 
 
 lie say true. Let us do him the favour that 
 Agrippa. men do to astronomers, if they tell but one 
 true tale, believe him in a hundred lies; sure 
 The libel is you lied in all the rest, good M. Libeller; for 
 
 thus: ~ 
 
 unton is un- nrst, lie that you said Was undone, lived to do 
 
 rlonr* • TVTarb-- " ' 
 
 content mal * more serv * ce f° r country than ever you will 
 do; and many things are left undone by his 
 death, that might perhaps have been much 
 rioure fadeth. better done; and he that you said fadeth, doth 
 now flourish with a gilt axe in his hand in a 
 Swaiie wail- much more honourable service: and he that 
 
 cth. 
 
 you said wailed, is well and merry (he thanks 
 Bancroft is you not); and he you said was bankrupt, pays 
 
 the queen more subsidy than you and I both, 
 I dare lay a wager; and the other two, the 
 
 Hatton is hat one need not go barehead for want either of 
 
 oft. 1 • 
 
 hat or hair, and the other will neither dodge 
 nor doubt to shew his face as you do. Where¬ 
 fore, M. Libeller, though in this matter you are 
 cited and believed better than Saint Austin, yeti 
 believe you not in saying Markham’s be mal¬ 
 contents: and yet, at a venture, I would you 
 had die causes of discontent that they have, 
 so they had none of them: but this 1 will 
 distinguish upon the authority alleged, that 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 45 
 
 taking malcontent as an honest man might take 
 it, namely, a man sorrowful for the grievous 
 loss of his greatest friend, the ungrateful requi¬ 
 tals of most kind and friendly offices, the 
 unadvised revolt of his dear son, the unaccus¬ 
 tomed frown of his dread sovereign; if a man 
 felt no discontent in these, I would say he 
 were a stock and not a stoic; but understanding 
 it, as I know you would be understood, that 
 they be malcontent as ill affected to their prince, 
 I dare say you lie in plain English; but there 
 is one will come home shortly, I trow, that 
 will tell you, if you be so full of the French 
 as I take you to be, Tu merits par la gorge . 
 But, good M. Libeller, and your fellows, I 
 know your meanings; you would fain make 
 malcontents , and it grieves you you cannot; 
 the water is so clear for your fishing, you 
 catch nothing but gudgeons; the great fishes 
 be too wary, and now you are fain to lessen 
 your meshes contrary to statute, being willing 
 to play any game rather than sit out: or I 
 think you have read the policy of Richard the 
 Third, who to give his wife a preparative to 
 her death, gave out first she was dead, hoping 
 
46 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 that this corsive (cordial I would have said) 
 might break her heart, as it did indeed. 
 
 So you worthy members of your country 
 (God amend you, for I was saying the plague 
 take you all), when you would make malcon¬ 
 tents, then your policy gives out first that they 
 be so. Oh, take heed of such a one, he is a 
 dangerous man. A puritan, why so? He will 
 not swear nor ride on a Sunday; then he wishes 
 too well to the Scottish church; note him in 
 your tables. Another is a Papist. How know 
 you? He said he hoped his grandfathers soul 
 was saved. Tush! but he goes to church. 
 Marry, they be the most perilous men of all. 
 And why so, I pray you? If they will venture 
 their souls to pleasure their prince, what do 
 you suspect them of? Oh, if they be Catholic 
 they are Spanish in their hearts, for he is their 
 Catholic king. By my fay, that is somewhat 
 you say; but I pray you, you that are not 
 Spanish but all for the French, what religion 
 is the French king of? Oh, no more of that; 
 you will answer that when Calais is French 
 again. Fare you well, sir. 
 
 Thomas Markham, gentleman, come into 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 47 
 
 the court, and pluck up thy old spirits. Is 
 not this he that should have been comptroller, 
 and now he is afraid rather to be controlled? 
 What evil hath he done? His second son grew 
 so great he could not find room enough in 
 England. Alas! poor boy, God punisheth 
 oft the sin of the father on the children, but 
 never but once that I have read of the sons 
 offence on the father. Is there nobody hath 
 a son so far off? I trow there is; and yet he a 
 true and worthy gentleman. 
 
 Thomas Markham, gentleman, her majesty’s 
 servant extraordinary, come to the court. 
 Why, was he once ordinary ? Yea, that he was : 
 ask old Hatfield men, and ask them quickly 
 too, for they be almost all gone. Why, man, 
 he was standard-bearer to the worthy band of 
 Gentlemen Pensioners. What! did he leave 
 such a place gratis ? yea, gratis the adverb. 
 Why would he leave it? Because it asked such 
 perpetual attendance. Oh, now you have 
 answered me; he shall be none of my jury for 
 that: had he so little wit? Well, sir, saith my 
 attorney, I pray you dally no more but take 
 him, for you may have a worse else: I say 
 
48 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 unto you he is a right Englishman; a faithful, 
 plain, true, stout gentleman, and a man of 
 honesty and virtue. Out, ass! What dost thou* 
 tell me of these stale fashions of the sword 
 and buckler time? I tell thee they are out of 
 request now; honest and virtuous, I durst as 
 leave you had told me a tale of an old Jakes. 
 Of a JAx? Marry, that I can do too: I assure 
 you he loves an easy cleanly Jaxe, marvellous 
 well; and he is a very good fellow at the Jaxe; 
 for if one be his dear friend, he will let him 
 tarry with him while he is at his business: I 
 think he saith his prayers there, for I will be 
 sworn I heard him say oft-times, I thank God 
 I have had a good stool, &c. May I believe 
 this of your word? Yea, be bold of it, I can 
 prove both this and all the rest by very good 
 witness. Why didst thou not say thus much 
 at the first? I would have had him, though I 
 had gone to Berwick on foot for him: What! 
 a good freeholder, a builder, and a housekeeper, 
 and loves a sweet Jaxe too? though he cannot 
 be Alpha of my jury, yet he shall be Omega . 
 Come on, M. Markham, I must crave less 
 acquaintance of you as grim as you look; 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 41 ) 
 
 did not a lady say once that I should fare the 
 better for that good face of yours, and God 
 thank her for it, so I did indeed; yet now some 
 will make me believe I fare the worse for it. 
 
 Be of good cheer, man: What makes you so 
 sad? I have commendations for you from 
 your old friend; Thomas of Ormond hath a mostiu> 
 
 nourable Earl, 
 
 sent you a hawk will make- you live one year true 
 the longer. I cannot make him look merrily 
 on me for all this; he sees he cannot live long, 
 he must think of his grave. Tush, man! though 
 you cannot live long, you may linger (an please 
 God) as others have done, some three or four- 
 and-twenty years yet. What say you? no life? 
 
 M. Richard Drake hath you commended, and 
 would have you get the queen another gelding, 
 for grey Markham will have his old M. fault 
 and fortune both; he will be old, and then they 
 will not care for him. Not a word yet? I will 
 make him speak anon. You shall have your 
 son joined patent with you for Bescood, if he 
 will come home and be a true knight to the 
 crown: what say you to that? Marry, gospel 
 in your mouth, and if he can be proved other 
 I renounce him for my son. Oh, have you 
 
50 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 found your tongue now? Well, sir, I have a 
 suit to you; I pray you appear on my jury, 
 and give a good verdict of our book called m. 
 ajax: you know the book well enough; I 
 read you asleep in it once or twice as we went 
 from Greenwich to Westminster. Out upon 
 it, have you put it in print? did not I tell you 
 then, Charles Chester and two or three such 
 scoffing fellows would laugh at you for it? 
 Yes: and did not I tell you again that I would 
 laugh too, and so we might all be merry ? Well, 
 grim sire, let me have a friendly verdict, if it 
 be but for teaching you to amend a fault at 
 Bescood, that I felt there twenty-four winters 
 ago; and if you do not say well of it, I will 
 cause one or other that hath been at M. ajax 
 with you, report it in court to your disgrace; 
 and your Joan shall be disgraced too for tying 
 your points and sitting by you so homely (yet 
 I would I had given a hundred pounds she 
 never had had worse nor untruer tale told of 
 her); and so fare you well, good master Mark¬ 
 ham, and God send you many a good stool. 
 And thus with much ado the jury was empan- 
 neled. Now began I to have a good hope, 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 51 
 
 nay, rather a firm assurance of my acquittal, 
 having got a jury of so good sufficiency, so 
 great integrity, so sound ability: but it is com¬ 
 monly seen, that in matters depending in con¬ 
 troversy, the greatest danger is bred by too 
 much security; for the accusation was so hard 
 followed, that some of the jury began to be 
 doubtful of their verdict, the witnesses were 
 so many, their allegations so shrewd, and the 
 evidence so pregnant. And not only the faults 
 of this present pamphlet, but my former 
 offences, which were before the pardon (con¬ 
 trary to the due course of all courts), were 
 enforced against me. As first, to prove I had 
 wronged not only ladies of the court, but all 
 womens sex, they had quoted a stanza in Hary 
 Osto, beginning thus; 
 
 Ye courtly dames that are both kind and true y 
 Unto your lords , if kind and true be any; 
 
 As sure I am in all your lovely crew , 
 
 Of so chaste minds there are not over many. 
 
 And after, in the hosts tale, worse, if worse 
 may be: 
 
 Now he began to hold his wife excused; 
 
 His anger now a little is relented; 
 
 And though that she her body had abused y 
 And to a servant had so soon consented; 
 
52 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 Not her for this, but he the sex accused. 
 
 That never can with one man be content; 
 
 If all (quoth he) with one like stain are spotted, 
 
 Yet on a monster mine was not besotted . 
 
 And after, in the person of Rodomont , 
 
 Ungrateful, false, crafty you are, and cruel; 
 
 Born of our burning hell to be the fuel. 
 
 And lastly, in this pamphlet to compare, or 
 rather to confound bawdy houses and Jakes 
 houses, courtezans and carters, with angels 
 and hermits, there were three or four of the 
 jury that said, the time had been, they would 
 have thought it no good manners. But Alpha 
 and Omega , that have ever thought chastity 
 a virtue, acquitted me at last; saying, to scorn 
 vice shewed a love of virtue. And for the 
 rest, I pleaded not only a general but a special 
 pardon. Yet, lest the standers by should 
 think I had been guilty, or that I had been 
 burnt in the hand for the like fact before, I 
 answered, that in the verse I did but follow my 
 author, the whole work being enjoined me as 
 a pepance by that saint, nay, rather goddess, 
 whose service I am only devoted unto. And 
 as for the verses before alleged, they were so 
 flat against my conscience, that I inserted 
 
AN APOLOGY* 
 
 53 
 
 somewhat more than once, to qualify the 
 rigour of those hard speeches. For example, 
 against railing Rodomont , I said thus: 
 
 I tremble to set down in my poor verse , 
 
 The blasphemies that he to speak pi'esumes: 
 
 And writing this, I do know this, that I 
 Oft in my heart do give my pen the lie . 
 
 And in another place, to free me from all 
 suspicion of pretended malice, and to shew a 
 manifest evidence of intended love, where my 
 author very sparingly had praised some wives, Mine own sub. 
 
 . auditor, verso, 
 
 I added of mine own ( ) so much as more or wife, which 
 
 you will. 
 
 I think was never said for them; which I will 
 here set down ad perpetuam rei mentoriam> 
 and that all posterity may know how good a 
 husband I would bethought: 
 
 Lo, here a verse in laud of loving wives, 
 
 Extolling still our happy married state; 
 
 I say they are the comfort of our lives, 
 
 Drawing a happy yoke, without debate. 
 
 A playfellow, that far off all grief drives ; 
 
 A steward, early that provides and late ; 
 
 Faithful and kind, sober and sweet, and trusty; 
 
 Nurse to weak age, and pleasure to the lusty. 
 
 Further, for the faults escaped in this fore- 
 
 v 2 
 
^7 
 
 54 .AN apology. 
 
 alleged pamphlet, I protested I was ready to 
 make a retractation for their better satisfaction; 
 as namely, first, for that homely comparison 
 that I made between my lady Cloacina’s house 
 and my lady Flora’s nymphs, I take it not to 
 * hold in general, but within this exception; 
 except it be a very foul and deformed harlot, 
 or a very clean and reformed ajax. 
 
 Secondly, for the rules of taming a shrew, 
 that I commended for the wiser, I here protest 
 against that rule: for if it have not been fol- 
 Aristotieruied lowed within the first year or a day, it is too 
 by ins \ute. prove a new rule afterwards: and there¬ 
 
 fore I hold it as a rule or maxim, proved by 
 natural philosophy, confirmed by ancient his¬ 
 tory, and therefore may here be concluded in 
 our poor poetry in this sort: 
 
 Semiramis 
 asked leave to 
 rule but a 
 week, but you 
 know what 
 followed. 
 
 Concerning wives, take this a certain rule, 
 
 That \f at first you let them have the rule, 
 
 Yourself at last with them shall have no rule, 
 Except you let them evermore to rule . 
 
 At this the whole jury were merry, and 
 agreed all to quit me. And as for those that 
 articuled against me, some of them are so 
 

 AN APOLOGY. 55 
 
 tickled with this answer, as I am sure they 
 will never accuse me for an enemy to ladies 
 any more. 
 
 The next article was for abusing the name 
 of a great soldier, both in that being a Grecian 
 I make him speak in Latrina lingua , and 
 that having been so renowned for his valour in 
 wars, I would say his picture was set in so 
 homely a place, that it might also thereby seem 
 to have been called after his name in English. 
 Now this matter was followed very hotly by 
 half a dozen gallant soldiers, that never saw 
 naked sword out of Fleet-street; and these 
 came in swearing that I had touched them in 
 honour, and they would therefore fight with 
 me about it. The jury seemed to make but 
 light of the matter; but yet to satisfy the gen¬ 
 tlemen, especially two of them that had been 
 likened to Brutus and Cassius , and called 
 ultimi Ruffianorum , they wished me to answer 
 them, which I did in this sort: I said I was 
 loath to fight for the justification of my wit: 
 and further, I could name them two honest 
 gentlemen that had offered M» ajax as great 
 abuse as this, and he had put it up at their 
 
56 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 hands. They asked who they were? I told 
 them they were two of his countrymen; one 
 they called M. Plato, the other M. Plutarch; 
 of whom the one in his tenth book de Repub . 
 saith, that the soul of ajax went into a lion, 
 and the other saith, it had been as good for it 
 to have gone into an ass; and both agree that 
 it went into hell. And if reading of this will 
 satisfy you, I will turn you to the place, and 
 lend you the book in Latin or in French; for 
 that I think is your better language; and I 
 protest to you it is an excellent chapter, w here¬ 
 in the same Plutarch very divinely sheweth 
 how predestination, and free-will, and chance, 
 may all stand together. The pox on Plutarch 
 and you too (saith one of these fighting fellows), 
 read him who list, for I will never read him: 
 but why should he or you either abuse a 
 soldiers name? Oh, sir, said I, good words I 
 pray you, though I dare say you wish me no 
 worse than you have yourself, for I know you 
 are a gentleman of three descents; but if that 
 be beyond your reading, let me come within 
 compass of your study: I know you have read 
 old Scoggin’s jests. Did not he when the 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 57 
 
 French king said he had set our kings picture 
 in the place where his close-stool stands. Sir, 
 saith he, you do the better, for every time you 
 look on him you are so afraid, that you have 
 need of a close-stool. Now, I hope I offer 
 ajax no greater scorn than that was, yet 
 thanks be to God their successors remain good 
 friends. This did somewhat better answer 
 them, but not fully. Nay, masters (quoth I), 
 if you stand on the punctilios with me, whom¬ 
 soever this answer will not serve, let him send 
 me the breadth of his buckler (I should say 
 the length of his rapier), and draw himself as 
 lineally, from Captain Medon’s grandfather, 
 as I have derived ajax from Stercutius, and 
 I will presently make a recantation of all I Re cant are , is 
 
 1 J to sing the 
 
 have said. At last, to take up the quarrel, same song 
 
 again. 
 
 Sir M.A. and M.R.S. set down their order, 
 that he should not be called any more Cap¬ 
 tain ajax, nor Monsieur ajax, but Don 
 ajax; and then to this second article they all 
 agreed, not guilty. 
 
 These swearing fellows being thus dis¬ 
 charged, there comes a couple of formal fel¬ 
 lows, in black cloaks faced with velvet, and 
 
58 
 
 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 ^7 
 
 hats suitable to the same; and under their 
 hats little night-caps, that covered their Epi- 
 metheus, but not their Prometheus, having 
 special care to keep their brain warm; yet one 
 of them was said to be a hot-brained fellow; 
 the other had no great fault that I know, save 
 that he would say too long a grace afore dinner; 
 insomuch that one of his own coat told him 
 one day, that if he had thought to have heard 
 a collation, he would have sung a psalm before 
 it. These whispered two or three of the 
 jury in the ear, and after having made a ducking 
 courtesy or two, bade the Lord to guide their 
 worships, and so went back to their chambers 
 at the sign of the Bible; leaving a mad fellow 
 their attorney, to urge the accusation they had 
 brought; which was in shew very sharp and 
 AUthatdefeud heinous, to this effect: That they supposed 
 aicSno me t0 be in heart a Pa P ist * Straight I searched 
 pSswUMh^ eve, 7 corner of m y heart, and finding no such 
 ami^ey'caii thought in it, I asked why any man should say 
 Canterbury so? I know (say I) some of you would see my 
 «" r jopc. Jieart Qut> yo ur wills; but for that you shall 
 pardon me: But this ye know, ex abundantia 
 cordis, os loquitur; out of the abundance of 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 59 
 
 the heart the mouth speaketh. And here I 
 protest to you all, I never defended any opinion 
 of religion, either by way of argument or 
 writing, that in any point gainsayeth the Com¬ 
 munion book: let my accusers say so if they 
 can. Yes, sir, saith their zealous attorney, I 
 heard one testified viva voce in a pulpit, that 
 you had defended a popisli opinion, of a 
 second coming of Elias. And if I mistake 
 him not much, 1 trow, his good living grows 
 not so fast with his new benefice, as his good 
 name withers with his ill behaviour. But if 
 he use no better behaviour, than to tell me my 
 faults at Bath when I am at London, I may, 
 fortune, play the bad horseman, and spur him 
 at London for stumbling so ill favouredly at 
 Bath: or if I would ride like a hotspur, he 
 might happen like a dull jade (ass he is) be 
 wrung on the withers, as one of his coat was 
 for such a matter in the same place. It may 
 be he thinks he hath advantage of me, because 
 he can prate in a pulpit cum licentia; but he 
 shall see by this little, that I have liberty if I 
 list to reply in print cum privilegio; and my 
 
 
60 AN APOLOGY. 
 
 replication may, fortune, be as forcible as his 
 answer. 
 
 More I would have said (for I was in 
 choler), but some of the jury wished me (for 
 satisfying the company) to tell what religion I 
 was of. It was a strange question to be asked 
 
 For some of me afore such a jury (considering I came not 
 
 them I hope ° 
 
 are butProtes. thither to be catechised), and therefore I deter- 
 
 tants of anno # 
 
 primo Eiiz. mined to make them as strange an answer, such 
 as should please them all, or displease them 
 all ere I had done. First, I said, neither 
 Papist , Protestant , nor Puritan. Then all 
 said they would condemn me as a neuter, or 
 nulliJulian, except I gave a better answer. 
 
 Then I said, I am a Protesting Catholic 
 Puritan . Tush, say they, how can that be? 
 Forsooth, even thus; to believe well, to do 
 well, and say well; to have good faith, good 
 works, and good words; is not that a good 
 religion? Yes, indeed, so done, were very well 
 said. But said they, directly we expect your 
 answer, what you count to be true religion? 
 AV by then directly thus I answer, out of St. 
 Justus’ epistle, the two last verses, you shall 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 61 
 
 see who be of a w rong religion, and who be of 
 the right. Justus? Oh, saith one, by-and-by, 
 
 I think he means James; and straight he pulls 
 a little book out of his sleeve that looked like 
 Janus' picture, with two faces standing east 
 and west (but it was a testament bound to the 
 backside of David’s psalms), and turning to 
 the place, he read as followeth: 
 
 If a man think himself religious, not refrain- to have a bad 
 
 tongue is bad 
 
 ing his tongue, but seducing his heart, this mans religion, 
 religion is vain. 
 
 Pure religion and undefiled before God, 
 
 even the Father, is this: to visit orphans and James, c. i.v. 
 
 ... 26 , 27 - 
 widows in their afflictions, and to keep your¬ 
 self undefiled from the world. 
 
 Why then, saith one, if you profess so pure a 
 religion, it seems you are a Puritan. Even so. 
 
 More time would have been spent in this 
 matter, but that Sir H. P. told them these 
 things belonged to the high commissioners, 
 and therefore wished them to proceed to the 
 next. 
 
 Now for the last article, because it w as con¬ 
 cerning only the pamplet itself, the whole 
 jury referred the censuring thereof to Sir H. P. 
 
AN APOLOGY. 
 
 Judge Mark¬ 
 ham would 
 have been of 
 that opinion 
 in the time of 
 Edward the 
 Third; and 
 judge Port- 
 man, your 
 grandfather, 
 in Edward 
 the Sixts. 
 
 Sapientis est 
 nihil prastare 
 prater cul- 
 pam. 
 
 62 
 
 to say if any thing therein were against the 
 law, because he was well seen in the law. 
 
 He told them, that indeed he had read it 
 more than once, and that for ought he could 
 observe in it, it did not in any point offend 
 either common or statute law. But (said he) 
 there is a law (as I take it) more common than 
 civil, that saith, things must be as they be taken. 
 Yet, for my part, in my verdict I would not say 
 any mans ears are horns; what the rest said, I 
 could not tell, for that 1 was sent away; yet I 
 overheard one of them say, he would talk with 
 a counsellor to inform him better of the law. 
 But I finding that to grow so doubtful, that I 
 thought to have been so clear, began now to 
 think it my safest course to sue for a pardon. 
 And with that I awaked, vowing I would never 
 write any more such idle toys if this were well 
 taken; praying the readers to regard it but as 
 the first line of iEsop’s Fables: 
 
 Gallus gallinaceus dum vertit stercorarium , invenit 
 gemmam . 
 
 FINIS. 
 

HlgsscS 
 
 UPON 
 
 AJAX. 
 
 WRITTEN BY MISODIABOLES TO HIS FRIEND 
 PHILARETES. 
 
 gt Hontion: 
 
 PRINTED FOR THOMAS GUBBINS. 
 
 1596 . 
 

MISODIABOLES THE WORSHIPFUL, 
 
 TO 
 
 MISACMOS THE RIGHT WORSHIPFUL. 
 
 MisACMOS, I have spent three days in idle 
 hours, to examine the months of your medi¬ 
 tations on a loathsome ajax; and I find them 
 so unsavoury, as it is impossible for you to be 
 a saver by them: your pen hath dropped excre¬ 
 ments, and you cannot wipe them clean with 
 your wit. Alas! that so long filed should so 
 filthily be defiled: you have spent labour with¬ 
 out reason, and are seen for a spectacle ot 
 folly to those that cannot see without their 
 spectacles. Because the world laughs, you 
 think it applauds: but the most part that out¬ 
 wardly smile, do inwardly pity. A good wit 
 and a gross subject, so much I allow you: but 
 Q 2 
 
IV 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 if your ambition must needs climb, it is more 
 comely in a courtiers habit than in a fools antique. 
 That I see your imperfections, I make your¬ 
 self judge; that I pity your errors, my sparing 
 reproof may assure you; that I am ambitious 
 as yourself, I protest it with discretion; yet it 
 grieves me that two good wits should wrestle 
 for a dunghill. Come, come, witty Misacmos , 
 overlook how I have looked over you. If 
 this April shower cleanse you, I will forbear 
 the tempest. For as I am German in nature 
 (who hate detractions), so can I be both a 
 Molossean and Melitean dog, as occasions are 
 offered me. Would Misacmos be famous? 
 why I yield him the means: he is a courtier in 
 regard, I a courtier in hope; he rich in ancient 
 demesne, I in good demesne; he sprightly and 
 witty, I diligent and pleasant; a lady blest his 
 children, and God and our Lady my lady 
 mothers sons;, he a Lincoln’s Inn man, I 
 belonging to Lincoln: if any odds be, he hath 
 the interest in money, I of reading. 
 
 Now, sir, if from the means of a privy, he 
 will become a public gentleman, after this 
 assault, let him bury his ajax in a dunghill. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 
 Then perusing his books walking in his suit 
 of Abrizetta, eating fat capons and venison, 
 and drinking pure Ipocras, let him make elec¬ 
 tion of his readings, and choose out a probable 
 subject. Have with him, from a f t, to all 
 arts, I refuse no encounter. Let us jest like 
 gentlemen, argue like scholars, be pleasant 
 without railing; that good wits may gather 
 treasures from our travels, and ourselves eter¬ 
 nity by well-deserving: If you rise by my fall, 
 I think my fall happy to make you rise; and 
 if it be your destiny to sink ih the encounter, 
 though the desert be wholly mine, I give you 
 the half of the glory. If ajax were the 
 froth of your wit, let it die as too weak for 
 my forces; and if one cullis of conceit be 
 left, yet play not the gormand, let the world 
 have part with you. 
 
 Take the choice of the weapon, I offer 
 every advantage: if you will strive in wit, I 
 am merry without detraction: but if you play 
 the scold instead of a scholar, I protest it will 
 grieve me; for I know the echo of my wrongs 
 will make double report in your ears: for 
 
VI 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 renewing my disgrace you may live in your 
 dishonours. 
 
 Come, let us walk through Virtue’s temple, 
 and so sacrifice to Honour: and if Romans 
 observed that custom, let Christians use it. 
 Otherwise, both of us may say, as the Duke 
 of Northumberland did to the Lord Gray as 
 they rid through Shoreditch, the people press 
 to see us, but none say, God speed us: Pauca 
 sapienti. I leave you to your sops and Mus¬ 
 cadine, protesting, that if any offence come, it 
 shall be by your ‘seeking. 
 
 MISODIABOLES. 
 
MISODIABOLES, 
 
 AND 
 
 HIS OPINION OF MISACMOS AND IIIS META¬ 
 MORPHOSED AJAX. 
 
 WRITTEN TO HIS DEAR AND LEARNED FRIEND 
 
 MASTER PHILARETES. 
 
 Phil aretes, upon your entreaty and in satis- 
 faction of my promise, I have perused Misac- 
 mos and his metamorphosed ajax; and not 
 only pleasantly overlooked it, and laughed at 
 it myself, but also communicated and com¬ 
 mended the work to the censure of many 
 learned and discreet gentlemen; who (to be 
 plain with you), after they had read and con¬ 
 ceited it, thought it worthy no better usage 
 than the brides have among the Nasamones; a 
 people of Africa, who, the first day of their **■«« 
 marriage, are both used, abused, and defiled 
 
8 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 by all the guests and strangers that accompany 
 the festival. One said (as Apollodorus did of 
 Crhisippus’ works), that if other mens sen¬ 
 tences were taken out of his book, the rest 
 would be fit for nothing but waste paper. 
 Another, that he had played as mad a prank 
 as the malcontented fishwife in Bouchet, who 
 under pretence to shame others that had 
 shrewdly angered her, turned up her naked 
 tail m the market-place to shew the dominical 
 letter B in her buttocks. Another said, that 
 Auban,ub.i. as (according to Aubanus) Ethiopia was 
 mountainous toward the west, sandy in the 
 midst, and desert in the east; so this book was 
 full of ostentatioh and protestation in the end, 
 barren in the midst, and dull in the begiiinirifir 
 
 Horace. Mo- » . ® ©* 
 
 lisum'nudata Anot “ er com pared it to Horace’ crow decked 
 nmi^cuiori. with many feathers. Another, to the herb 
 ran. Cap. n. ferula, which is only a pleasant food for asses, 
 but a poison to all other beasts. There were 
 some that said that Misacmos’ wit was lighter 
 
 m.Te ia d«o. than Archestratus b°dy; yet both Milan and 
 rat.cap. 8 . Athehaus say this of him: That being taken 
 by his enemies and weighed in a balance, he 
 
V^' 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 9 
 
 and his prophesying spirit were lighter than a 
 halfpenny. All which judgments as I com¬ 
 mend them not for true, so I condemn them 
 not for false, but only leave them to his defy¬ 
 ing and defining, who would have sweetened 
 a jax by his wit and authority. louching 
 mine own opinion (because you expect it, and 
 the world may thoroughly know it), I will 
 observe Plato's law in it, and so apply my 
 words to the subject, that I may rather seem 
 an apt and modest pleasant, in writing truth, 
 than a foul-mouth critic in reproving bitterly 
 (not being untaught by Gregory , discreetly to 
 spare, and aptly to reprehend offences): 
 would Philaretes should know (because these 
 times expect it), that as I will forbear KacoXoyiav crcte noverit 
 and detraction as a fault; so (inasmuch as the resecare. 
 obscenity of the subject will suffer me) will I 
 observe svrpairtXictv (pleasant and scholarlike 
 urbanity), which was admitted among the Gre¬ 
 cians, and commended in Cicero: Thus there¬ 
 fore, in short, touching this mouldy Metamor¬ 
 phosis, it is an affectation of singularity, a 
 fruit of discontent, a superfluity of wanton 
 
10 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 wit, a madding with reason, a diligence without 
 judgment, a work fit for Polumnius the jester, 
 not Misacmos the courtier: in form, con¬ 
 trary to all rules of science; in matter, indecent, 
 filthy, and immodest; and touching the autho¬ 
 rities, they are so weak and so wrested, as no 
 chaste nor Christian ear may in reason endure 
 them: which if I prove not by reason as I 
 profess in words, let Philaretes disclaim me 
 for his friend, and Misacmos shake hands with 
 me for a fool; this is fair play, my masters, 
 when I use friends with this equality. Touch¬ 
 ing the form, Perseus 9 scar sits in Misacmos’ 
 ?ca P Li ^. Poet fore,iead; obstenst “t obstrusam eruditionem; 
 
 he labours to shew much reading and profound 
 learning: and beside, that is too formal, which 
 is no less grace in him than it was in the nun, 
 who to cover her naked top from two friars 
 (whom she let into her monastery), hastily dis¬ 
 covered her tail, cum multis aliis quce nunc 
 perscribere longum est. Shall I rip up obsce¬ 
 nity, in words as filthy as ever Juvenal used ? 
 shall I say that in detracting and taxing sins, 
 he instructed! them? alas! no, the world sees 
 
ULYSSES UPON AJAX; 41 
 
 it, and as the Welshman said of the comedy 
 before the queen, I laugh, my cousin Peter 
 laugh, Davy ap Powel laugh, and the queen 
 laugh: what a Hysteron Proteron is here taso*mi*roto*. 
 shew the laughing of a forced folly, a dull 
 jest, and his idleness. Well, on afore (quoth 
 the procession), hold up your torches for 
 dropping, we shall have more mirth at our 
 next meeting. Where left I? at the stool? No; 
 let Misacmos see to it, it was in the form; so, 
 so, now let us descend to the subject: Subjec- 
 tum circa quod, subauditur AJAX. Then 
 ajax is the subject: In good time, sir: but 
 which ajax, pray you? was it that AJAX Pela- 
 monius, who won honour by his courage, and 
 madness by his discontent; whose mind too 
 great for his fortune, made his passion too 
 strong for his reason? Poto erras ccelo, he hath 
 no need to be so mannerly. Oh, I conceive 
 him, I conceive him, he abhors equivocations; 
 it is a jakes indeed that he meaneth, without 
 all saving your reverence: Who persuades him 
 to this paradox? Tarlton's authority, and his 
 cousins encouragement. 
 
12 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 Go to, the first died a fool for his labour, 
 the next may smell of it while he lives; and 
 howsoever Misacmos stir him in the service, 
 it will be but a stinking stir though he stir 
 whilst he stifle. I, but many have writ of 
 worse subject, and why not he of this? a good 
 reason; learnt he that conclusion in Cam¬ 
 bridge? Faith, it shall never do him credit, no 
 more than did the curates argument, who 
 applied the authority of his horse against those 
 that denied purgatory. 
 
 Fie, fie, who knows not this; that an evil 
 custom is no instance for another to follow it? 
 and that it is too weak an answer in a wanton, 
 to excuse herself by saying, forsooth, my mis¬ 
 tress taught it me? Men are richest in infir¬ 
 mity, and weakest in foresight; apt to entertain 
 privy pleasures, ignorant to reform them; who 
 therefore limiteth his studies by others indus¬ 
 tries, and rather observeth what other men do 
 than what he ought to do, rolleth Sysiphus’ 
 stone to his own misery, and is foolishly diligent 
 to register his own infirmities. 
 
 Alas, alas, hath the good gentleman no 
 
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 friends to tell him this; that it is better to 
 suffer a few to surfeit in their own sins, than 
 for him to communicate with them in their 
 courses, causes, and shame? I will talk with 
 his friend and mine (the chaplain of Lincoln s 
 Inn) about this point, and he shall inform him. 
 
 Now, sir, what is next? the pedigree of 
 ajax, prevented with the authority of Rab- 
 belais (a condemned Atheist by the last council 
 of Trent), and some coarse fictions (as filthy 
 as Jyllyan of Braindford’s f—ts); wherein (as 
 the vomit of a corrupt and envious mind), 
 Holinshed’s Chronicle hath a quip, and Hale 
 the old counsellor hath a lie for his labour. 
 
 Well, well, it were good Misacmos considered 
 this of Plautus: 
 
 Eia Lyde, leniter qui sceviunt, sapiunt magis. Bac ~ 
 
 The bush that lent him a thorn to prick 
 them, will afford a thousand to gall him; except 
 he be as fat as Nichomachus of Smyrna , who Mercm^ 
 could not feel a pin thrust into his buttocks, rat. cap. s. 
 or stir nor touch his back parts, he was so 
 gross in the belly. To the pedigree, the pedi¬ 
 gree, for there is the mystery (the misery 1 
 

 14 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 should say, and the fruit of much idleness): tf 
 
 ii a trouve la Stercutius or Saturn , the great grandfather, St 
 
 febve au ga- 00 7 
 
 teau * how prove you this? he first brought up in fo 
 
 Italy the dunging and manuring of earth; at 
 
 ergo, he is grandfather to ajax. I deny the ai 
 
 argument. By whom shall it be tried? by the . fl 
 
 old Tuscan husbandmen at this day, and those p 
 
 in Romagna and about Rome, who being fc 
 
 taught by Saturn the trimming of their vines, h 
 
 have likewise learned to fatten their mould by ii 
 
 burning them after the time of their vintage: 1 
 
 \\ ould not this puzzle Misacmos’ invention, 
 Philaretes , if it were well followed? He is a 
 Lincoln’s Inn man, a toward fellow; Ralph 
 Wilbram, the pleasant witted barrister, knows 
 him, and for his sake, in perpetuam hominis 
 imbeciUitatem (memoriam I should have said), 
 I remit it. On a gods name, Quid novarum 
 rerum, w hat new matter followeth? Lies w orse 
 than Lucian's, which being affected are more 
 ill-favoured; and howsoever he understand 
 them, he shall not be able to stand under 
 
 omneverbiun them: Ferba otiosa, idle w 7 ords, which (if the 
 
 otiosum quod . v 
 
 loquuti fuerint apostle fail not) must be soundly answered 
 
 homines, etc. J 
 
 for; not spirando ambitionem in a Latin style. 
 
VJ7 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 15 
 
 sed lamentando incuriam before a severe judge. 
 
 Songs worse than the Priapies of Virgil, 
 forbidden by Plato in his fourth book of laws, 
 and by the law of the twelve tables condemned 
 among the Ethnique Romans; a song not less 
 filthy than that which the Pagans used in the 
 primitive Church, or more prodigious than that 
 for which Ciril’s kinsman was condemned to 
 hell fire; a song wherein words are idle, want- 
 mg both rationem just a 1 necessitatis, et inten- ^ “jJltei cpisio! 
 tionem pice utilitatis; the reason of just neces- Gregory’s li- 
 
 1 . r. nutation of the 
 
 sity, and intention of godly pront. defence of 
 
 What is the hymn? suitable absurdity to' 0 " 8 ' 
 the song; a preposterous shew of reading, 
 where notwithstanding there appcareth some 
 error (in dividing JEtius the heretic from 
 Jtlieos,) if ancient and ecclesiastical histories 
 may be believed. Touching the etymologies 
 of ajax, what think you of them? Faith, they 
 are trivial, the froth of witty Tom Watson’s 
 jests, I heard them in Paris fourteen years ago: 
 besides what balductum play is not full of 
 them? Nose quasi, no hose; capon quasi, cap on 
 (I would Misacmos would be covered): who 
 lives not, could not add more if he made pro- 
 
16 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 fessiou to be idle? Rumsey, my lord of Pem¬ 
 broke’s jester, is full of them: if Misacmos want 
 copy, he will instruct him. For his friend Phi- 
 lostilpnos (with whose name he endeth this 
 unsavoured induction), I would fain know his 
 godfathers, to chide them for his bringing up; for 
 he hath raised up a scent (by his encouragement) 
 far worse than the Pope’s legate, who brought 
 the last jubilee into France; who fearing the 
 pages (who by custom bustled about him to divide 
 his canipie), and suspecting treason among 
 them, suddenly laid that you wot of in his 
 breeches; enough I warrant you to feast ajax 
 for one meal, if he were a hungry. I am thus 
 pleasant, contrary to my custom, to let Misac- 
 mos know his own counterfeit in my glass; 
 using therein the customs of the Spartans, who 
 (to bring their children in hatred of drunken¬ 
 ness) caused their slaves to drink great store of 
 wine, and in their presence to sing illiberal 
 and lascivious songs, and use antic and filthy 
 actions; knowing that example as it breedeth 
 encouragement, so it yieldeth and enforceth 
 shame. Thus much for this, Philaretes; now 
 descend we to the rest. 
 

 9@i0otJia&oles’ <£jcammation 
 
 OF 
 
 MISACMOS' AUTHORITIES AND ARGUMENTS. 
 
 1. Wherein lie findeth Scriptures abused prophanely; 
 
 2. Learned men approved unjustly; 
 
 3. And observations employed wickedly. 
 
 Sic tres sequuntur tria. 
 
 Nick Beamond (a witty and pleasant gallant) 
 being one day invited to a rich gentlemans 
 table, who took delight to hear himself speak, 
 perceiving many matters begun by him, and 
 no man suffered to answer, at last (with a 
 knock or a hem, to make the thing mannerly) 
 he let me a round crack that was heard 
 throughout the company; which the host 
 maching, and the rest merrily laughed at; tut, Era8mus - 
 tut, said he (to the gentleman), you must not 
 be angered, for if you will not hear us at one 
 end, you shall not choose but both hear and 
 smell us at the other. 
 

 18 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 In like sort (if not less cleanly) doth Misac- 
 mos handle the world, who perceiving some, his 
 precedent works, either by wisdom obscured, k 
 
 or reason contemned; his Ariosto bawdy, con- ® 
 
 demned by a council; his translation barren cet 
 
 alt^poet^Nec an< * serv ^ e ( such as Horace disdaineth), seeing 
 
 the World 80 ful1 of g° od wits, generally read sui 
 
 ?e e rpre 3 ?m^k and applauded, and himself so unworthy as am 
 
 iiios. he cannot be heard; in a malcontented humour, rea 
 
 instead of a witty treatise, hath turned me out 4 
 
 to light his unsavoured ajax; which, how- * 
 
 soever clothed like an ape in purple (as he 
 himself confesseth), and perfumed with his 
 jests (which would make a man smell though 
 he were of Alexander s complexion), is worse 
 
 and more stinking than Beamond’s f—t (by it 
 
 three ounces of troy weight), though himself tc 
 
 hold the balance and poise them. For which lii 
 
 cause, how happy had he been if instead of ft 
 
 Cloacina , he had honoured and sacrificed to 
 Plutarch To. i. Numa’s goddess Tacit a; since in his silence 
 
 in vita Nuiuaj. 
 
 he had proved wise, where in his discourse he 
 is condemned for inconsiderate: and in him 
 rightly appeareth the misery of the curious 
 (and the mark of folly, whereby men were 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 19 
 
 signed after Adam’s fall), who biting his fingers, 
 beating his brains, losing his repose, and scant¬ 
 ling his repast, to attain an opinion of desert 
 in the world, hath condemned himself in 
 censuring others, gathered a handful of evil 
 wind, to lose it in a breath of short life; being 
 sure to leave nothing eternal after him, but his 
 ambition without measure, his envy without 
 reason, and his labour without fruit: which, 
 that your judgment may apprehend, as my 
 words do express it, consider wisely what I 
 write, whilst I set down faithfully that which 
 I have considered. 
 
 It is Gregory’s opinion that a good work ( 
 
 must have discreet eyes: and Scaliger thinks i>«m. 7. 
 it is the better half of the felicity in a poem 
 to have a good subject: for whoso employeth 
 his wit to invent, and his pen to set down a 
 frivolous matter in good words, fareth like 
 young children, that score out their castle in 
 the sand, which are defaced with every breath 
 of wind. Wit and folly drawing in a yoke, 
 reasons chariot is overturned; and a curious 
 workman carving a knotty timber, shall have 
 toil without end, for his election without judg- 
 R 2 
 
20 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 ment; a crooped shoulder is a blemish, how¬ 
 soever it be bolstered; and who paints an old 
 face, shall hardly hide the wrinkles. 
 
 Such a subject is only fit for a learned and 
 virtuous Misacmos , as in his own naked per¬ 
 fection (like Architas the musicians lute) can 
 speak for his own master. Doth not he want 
 election, that in a whole field of corn picks 
 out one cockle to labour on ? and wants he not 
 discretion, that having a whole field of vir¬ 
 tue before him, philosophies of either kind, 
 sciences of great observation, worldly casual¬ 
 ties to increase judgment, alteration, and dis¬ 
 position of policy (an excellent subject), had 
 rather with Daphydas be held a railer with 
 Timon de Me- Meiiedemus , a seller of trifles, with the fools 
 
 ned. llle so- 
 
 percilium toi- of the world, a loser of time, than with the 
 nugas,etc. learned of his coat, an honour of his country? 
 
 Alas! for this man, who taketh glory to boast 
 of that filthiness which brute beasts (by natural 
 instinct) after they have purged themselves do 
 cover! What judgment hath this man, that 
 strives to find a law of reason against the law 
 of reverence? Children disabled to help them¬ 
 selves, are notwithstanding taught by their 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 21 
 
 nurses to give modest warning; and those of 
 discreet years (though never so unnurtured) 
 find many necessities of nature to be done, 
 that are not plainly to be talked of. A cir¬ 
 cumlocution and a blush is sufficient to inter¬ 
 pret a filthy necessity; whereas, he that taketh 
 pleasure in speaking that which infirmity 
 forceth, or lust draweth him to do, shall have a 
 tongue worse than his tail, though the worse 
 of the tail be the T, with his complements. 
 Shall I be pleasant awhile and trifle like Misac - 
 mos, and wax as impudent as he was that 
 shewed his tail to the senate, consuls, and prae¬ 
 tors in judgment? Not, no neighbours, not so; 
 but as cleanly as we can (quoth the maid, when 
 she wiped her dishes with the dogs tail). W hat 
 think you of this jest, my masters? give your 
 opinion of their cleanliness: A certain grocers 
 wife walking through the streets (and holding 
 up her gown behind her, because the weather 
 was dirty), met with a merry companion, who 
 desirous to laugh and be fat, spurred her after 
 his merry manner this homely question; Mis¬ 
 tress, said he, I pray you sell me some of your 
 spices whilst your hand is in the box: to whom 
 
22 ULYSSES UPON AJAX, 
 
 she answered (trussing up her gown more 
 higher), Sir, if you have a months mind to 
 them, put your hand into the box and boldly 
 take them. Was not this more seemly for her 
 to answer, than with Misacmos flatly to have 
 told all to her utter discredit? What think you 
 of this likewise? .Did not the husband talk 
 more seemly that said, an old ship is always 
 leaky, than if he had said (in Misacmos 9 broad 
 language), his wife had bep—d the bed? I 
 could tell you more as he hath done (out of 
 that most learned author, the book of Merry 
 Tales, from whence his best jests are derived), 
 but that as the old Manciple of Brazen-nose 
 College in Oxford was wont to say; There are 
 more fools to meet with. 
 
 Lucius Catiline , accused by Marcus Cicero 
 for raising a flame in the city; I believe it, said 
 he, and if I cannot extinguish it with w ater, I 
 will with urine. Into the like intemperance is 
 Misacmos fallen; who having kindled a fire of 
 folly by publishing his filthy ajax, since he 
 cannot colour it with modesty, will counte¬ 
 nance it with wrested or wicked authorities 
 (whereby religion is soonest ruinate). But as 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 23 
 
 the bee loseth his life by employing his sting 
 to wound others, so shall the world easily 
 perceive, that the sword whereby he defendeth 
 himself shall be his own death; and those 
 authorities and arguments (whereby he seeketh 
 to entangle others) are the very nets, toils, and 
 traps to ensnare himself. 
 
 To beat out therefore a plain path, in traeting 
 whereof we may easily discover his treachery, 
 consider awhile in JMisacmos his reason and 
 authorities. How approveth he the praising 
 or writing upon ajax? Marry, thus; men 
 once in twenty-four hours visit him, if they be 
 in health; ergo, the homeliness of the name 
 and praise of the same may be borne withal; 
 temples to be raised, genealogies to be reckon¬ 
 ed up, etymologies to be sought, hymns and 
 dirges to be devised, filthy and immodest jests 
 to be used, &c. Non sequitur y non sequitur , 
 you may be ashamed of it: Corrumpunt bonos 
 mores colloquia prava; evil words corrupt 
 good manners (saith both Paul and Menander): 8 
 
 how brooks Misacmos that counterbuff? very 
 easily. The intent of the speaker maketli 
 them bad. Pardon me, pardon me; Paul 
 
24 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 saith the word, not the intent. Intent is the 
 corruption of the heart, but words the poison 
 of the tongue. Go to, go to; let us grant 
 that out of the abundance of the heart the 
 tongue speaketh; and that men form their bad 
 words according to their depraved thoughts. 
 Now tell me this; whether a child, young in 
 years, toward in apprehension, dearly beloved 
 by his parents, cockered by his mother, learneth 
 his swearing, idle speaking, cursings, and blas¬ 
 phemies, by the evil intent, base mind, or filthy 
 conceit of his father (perhaps breaking out 
 into such impiety in his choler); or by the 
 words spoken, undoubtedly no ways intended 
 by him to deprave his child? 
 
 Indeed, that’s somewhat more than his host 
 told him: But let it be, let it be (said the maid 
 when the young man kissed her); we must 
 have matters of more weight to work upon 
 Misaemos. Now therefore consider his ground¬ 
 work and positions. The use of homely 
 words, saith he, is to be borne with in necessary 
 matters: How proves he that? /sfliaAcompareth 
 our justice, panno menstruate; the Scripture 
 useth, Anos aureos; the psalm, percussit eos in 
 
^7 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. AD 
 
 posterior a; Exodus of Stigma or Prepucem; 
 Paul of Stercora; Saul went into a cave, ut 
 pur gar et ventrem. Therefore Misacmos may 
 
 write of ajaxes, because a necessary matter; 
 write of sh—g, because a necessary matter; 
 let him be—e the canvas that concludes so, 
 though he stood to be proctor: for the words 
 precedent and afore alleged, as they be in the 
 Scriptures, are (as Misacmos implyeth and 
 confesseth) properly to beat down sin and 
 sensuality; but not rudely to be inverted by 
 him, in maintenance of his scurrility and 
 ribaldry. 
 
 For if he consider the Scriptures as he 
 ought, and deeply weigh with the fathers, that 
 the most words have their mysteries, he shall 
 find this dragging of verbal Scriptures (un- 
 christianlike into his cause) is a very prank of 
 Arius; Qui verba scripturarum simplicia sicuti 
 in eis expressa reperiuntnr, itidem ut diabolus 
 assimulavit. Who, like the devil, sinfully 
 wrested the simple words of the Scripture, as 
 they are expressed in the same (if Eusebius lie 
 not); whoever of all the fathers hath taken on 
 
26 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 him this custom? whoever this looseness of 
 liberty? whoever this lightness of vanities? 
 
 mfdedo‘ct" ib * ^ u g ust ine he saith, that when any thing is 
 Christ, cap! 5 . found in the history of the sacred Scriptures, 
 that seemeth absurd or contrary to good man¬ 
 ners, the historical sense is to be left, and the 
 metaphorical and mixed is to be embraced; 
 and the reason is, because the sacred history 
 containeth nothing which is not true, and con¬ 
 sonant and agreeable with good manners: and 
 Summo Bono anotlier (agreeing therein with Isidorus ) saith, 
 Nich. i d^Bio.* °P ortet sic historiam tenere; so ought we to 
 Ser. 38. d. keep the history, as that we interpret it morally 
 and understand it spiritually: who therefore 
 dealeth otherwise, by the general consent of 
 the fathers, may be termed a rash man in 
 applying Scripture in that manner, which per- 
 verteth the nature, order, and meaning of the 
 same. 
 
 Alas! for Misacmos (I mean not a lass for 
 his bed, but alas for his folly), let him leave 
 his building gay privies and get him good 
 masters: for it is more necessary to fill the 
 head with true knowledge and Christian learn- 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 27 
 
 ing, than to empty the belly of loathsome 
 excrements. Out of this wresting, it drives 
 all wit out of the harmony. Then pray 
 Misacmos to leave it, for I swear to him he 
 shall never get three bishoprics in one year, as 
 Wolsey did for this doctrine: why this is worse 
 than Welsh instead of Hebrew, in Doctor 
 Propriums sermon. 
 
 Nemo contra unanimem consensum patrum 
 ipsam scripturam sacram allegare audeat (saith 
 the council of Trent); let no man dare 
 allege the Scriptures contrary to the general 
 
 consent of the fathers. 
 
 Tut, Misacmos cares not for them, they are 
 too precise for his purpose. Let Gregory (in 
 his seventh homily on Ezechiel) say the Scrip¬ 
 ture in words containeth mysteries: let Pale- 
 ologus vow that the whole body of historical 
 Scripture is a school of moral discipline and 
 hidden doctrine; but he is a dunce: let 
 Jerome talk of anagogia, tropologia, andg.** 
 alleooria, which united (with history) contain 
 the°whole matter of the Bible: let him say 
 of Deuteronomy, that it is, Evangelic# legis 
 prejiguratio; of Isaiah and Jeremiah, Quis 
 
28 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 potest intelligere vel exprimere? it matters not 
 for the words, Misacmos will abuse them, he 
 will dignify his ajax by disgracing your Scrip¬ 
 ture. But hark, I pray you, Philaretes , what 
 super Jerome concludeth; Hceresis dicitur Greece 
 ab electione eo quod sibi earn eligat disciplinam 
 quam putat esse meliorem . Quicunque igitur 
 scripturam vel scripturce verba intelligit aliter , 
 quam spiritus sanctus efflagitat a quo scriptura 
 est licet ab ecclesia non recessit , tamen Here - 
 ticus apellari potest. Heresy, the Greek word 
 (saithhe), is so called of election; because he 
 that is infected therewith, chooseth unto him¬ 
 self that kind of doctrine, which in his own 
 opinion he supposeth to be the best. 
 
 Whosoever therefore shall otherwise under¬ 
 stand either the Scripture, or the words thereof, 
 than the Holy Ghost requireth (from whom 
 the Scripture is derived), although he hath not 
 departed from the church, yet may he be 
 called an heretic. Let Misacmos gather how 
 he list upon this; he shall find the punctilio of 
 his honour blunted; which, trust me of set 
 purpose, I handle thus in clouds, without 
 grating him to the quick; because, as Socrates 
 
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 29 
 
 did in Alcibiades , Effulgentem et magnum 
 video testimonium eruditionis et egregia indo - 
 Us; Let him construe this if he list, lest the 
 world should suspect what I mean not. 
 
 Now, sir, if we descend to Cloacina (first 
 deified or defied by Tatius), what shall we say? 
 but that in his readings he hath curiously 
 observed matters of less respect, and forgotten 
 things of most decorum . For when Romulus 
 and this (draught deify), the one captain of 
 the Romans , the other of the Sabines , were 
 ready to wage battle, and by the entreaty of 
 Hersitia and other ladies, the accord and 
 league of peace w r as then concluded. 
 
 A law was made in honour of them, as 
 Plutarch witnesseth. Ne Us prcesentibus quic- 
 quam obsceni deceritur; That no filthy or 
 immodest speech should be used in their 
 presence. 
 
 Now, sir, had he marked and noted this 
 privilege, as he w T as diligent in observing the 
 other, he had been more sparing in his loose 
 speech, being taught modesty by the very hth- 
 niques themselves. 
 
 And surely, I think in my conscience, it was 
 
30 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 a chief cause why Romulus left Tatius y death 
 unrevenged, because he was so superstitious in 
 deifying a draught house. 
 
 But perhaps he hath read all this, and would 
 observe none of it. Then may I say with 
 Valerius , Quod rectum sit scit, sed id facere 
 negligit; He knoweth that which is right, but 
 he neglecteth to do it: his emblem and elegy 
 are pretty, and I have read far wittier and 
 better penned without the picture of a fellow 
 in a square cap, scummering at a privy. 
 
 And touching his observation of pictures, 
 what should I say in his commendation but 
 this: he hath prettily observed absurdities. 
 
 But should he pay for them as soundly as 
 Captain Cheville’s soldier did in Bourbonnois, 
 lie would beware of writing of sh—n figures 
 whilst he lived. Which is his next descent? 
 Forsooth, to poets: and who marcheth fore- 
 Tiree a quatre most to fight the battle for him ? Martial . Oh. 
 
 chevaux. 
 
 ho: I know wherefore he preferreth him so 
 much; it is because he read a chapter de cuni- 
 linguis to him: he is very much beholding I 
 promise you. 
 
 But what is this Martial ? Faith, a good 
 
 fit ill ei 
 speak it i 
 rrams oi 
 fc boys 
 lechery, i 
 fe hii 
 emperor! 
 sodomy, 
 tat as : 
 cuckoli 
 nslki 
 fflthin 
 not e 
 obsce 
 betl 1 
 (Mor 
 leamii 
 death 1 
 (Look 
 pleasa 
 let hii 
 so cn 
 good 
 temp 
 itfoi 
 

 ULYSSES UPON XjAX. 31 
 
 wit ill employed, like himself. This is he (I 
 speak it in his commendations) that writ epi¬ 
 grams of Mthorts f—t—g in the capital; of Lib.». 
 
 . epig. 78- 
 
 his boys kiss: This is the encourager of 
 lechery, in Victor; Misacmos need not fear to 
 allege him about Caca canity that gloried to fill iAb. 
 emperors ears with flattery, bawdery, and 
 sodomy, vaugh spurcitiem nugas . It is pity 
 that as in Catalogna there is a law, that every 
 cuckold should pay a fine or tribute, so among 
 us there is not a statute that such as teach such 
 filthiness should be publicly punished. I will 
 not examine the epigrams, for they are too 
 obscene to be looked upon; and whoso rub- 
 betli stinking weeds shall have filthy fingers* 
 
 (More) ingenious, though too resolute, whose 
 learning deserved a better death, and whose 
 death w T as accompanied with heroic constancy. 
 (Look how this toad sucketh poison from the 
 pleasant wit.) But he that found the Merda y 
 let him take it; and he that wresteth Crepitus 
 so crookedly, let him use it for a gale of his 
 good fortune, till it blow him to Cloacina s 
 temple. For master Davies 9 epigram, I hold 
 it for prettily impure, yet two bows and a half 
 
32 
 
 ulysSes upon ajax. 
 
 short of the clout. Heywood stuck in: and 
 (by the way for yourself) a Young that will be 
 old (saith thus) in behalf of old Young; that 
 except you presently put on a habit of more 
 conformity, if some his enemies may promote 
 you, you shall be the next dog that shall be 
 sacrificed in the Lupercalia , and therefore pro¬ 
 vide yourself for it (except you get a better 
 tongue into your head, or a modester pen in 
 your hand). Whither now, Misacmos ? Can¬ 
 not he who for piety is matchless, in learning 
 peerless, whose judgment his friends admire, 
 and enemies wonder at; cannot a spirit so 
 heavenly, a father so reverend, a muse so 
 sacred, escape your censure ? Stoop and shroud, 
 you night bird, when this sun shineth. He that 
 clotheth religion with simplicity and truth, 
 climbeth highest by his humility, groweth 
 learned in his zeal, and waxeth famous by his 
 diligence, may laugh at you (whilst like the 
 wolf you bark against the moon), but you 
 cannot bite him. 
 
 Come, come, a poor spring fed by the 
 ocean of his wit: a little sparkle gathered 
 from his divine flame; a very worm of wit, a 
 
33 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX, 
 puny of Oxford shall make you more hateful 
 than Battalus the hungry fiddler, for hxs pre- 
 sumption. 
 
 Italici Augai stabulum fcedumque, cloacam 
 A te purgari Romanaque <rxu€*xa tolli. que Hbentins^ 
 
 deridet, quam 
 
 What fault is here? Forsooth, an unapt 
 metaphor. O gross, .peevish, and blind absur¬ 
 dity! I challenge thee from the French to the 
 Spanish, the Italian to the Latin, the Greek to 
 the Hebrew. Run me over the whole library 
 of bawdery, thy legends of Atheism, and 
 prove me one metaphor better applied, and 
 thou shalt be privy to me in my next necessities. 
 
 What fitter metaphor for so corrupt tradi¬ 
 tions as our church at this day acknowledgeth 
 (the church of Rome to yield)? which if it 
 be glorious in so sacred and matchless a maiden 
 princess to exhaust and overthrow, it shall be 
 no indignity in her to admit the metaphoi 
 (especially), since with such decorum and art 
 he hath couched it, as had More, Heywood, 
 and the rest observed, Misacmos might be 
 ashamed to allege them. And what is that, 
 
34 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 Scaiiger Poet, think you? He hath used Juvenal’s modest either ha 
 
 Lid. in. cap. 
 
 98* moderation, including that in a Greek garment, tfretof 1 
 
 which otherwise in his own tongue would seem ifl^bul 
 
 uncomely. jeleftfoi 
 
 But in this you fare like him I have read of rjnous m( 
 
 Lege the Booke in an author of yours, who beginning to read rftheRc 
 
 of Mery Tales , w ° ° • 
 
 ife e ]earnto a certa i n work of Erasmus, entitled Moria, fe&fc 
 
 q piac e es y . our and ,iavin g such a shallow wit as Misacmos flikewi 
 
 hath, cast away the book, fearing he should iidanc 
 
 fall into some heresy because the style was so ikatv 
 
 high: I mean not that great stile in Marybone jSW i 
 
 Park, near which the two heroical and manly m dLo 
 
 knights fought their duellum; but Erasmus’ as ill as 
 
 style, which Misacmos hath prettily met with Thus 
 
 if he had some of his pith and matter. | aveex{ 
 
 How proceedeth he now? forsooth, he Ie ]j as 
 
 heapeth on history. To what purpose? to ^ j 
 
 prove certain emperors murdered privily, or at 
 
 Lib. c.ronicar. a privy, or in a Jakes, or at a Jakes; yet can I ...l. , 
 
 cum figuris. , J < 
 
 tell him this, that the Jakes Ileliogabalus ^ 
 
 (the last of the Antonini) was dragged through ^ 
 
 per scurras , was per cloacas by the sinks of ^ 
 
 Rome, and through the streets of Rome , ^ 
 
 without all paraquestions, quoth Tarlton; 
 
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 35 
 
 neither hath his knowledge attained all the 
 secret of history on this subject beside Bas - 
 sianus, but that some of as serious observation 
 are left for me; as that Trajan, the last of so 
 famous memory, and Henry the Seventh, king 
 of the Romans, both died of the dysentery, 
 alias dictus, the laxative flux. Nebuchadnez¬ 
 zar likewise gave Zedekiah (after he had made 
 him dance and play before him a long while) 
 a laxative drink, so that like a beastly old 
 fellow (as there are many such betwixt York 
 and London), totus deturpatus fuit, he smelt According to 
 
 3.S ill US yOUr AJAX. —I) was he, 
 
 Thus may Misacmos see that other men washe - 
 have examples of scent (I would say sense) as 
 well as he; yet will I subscribe to him the 
 dignity in all things. 
 
 First, I acknowledge him as deep a philo¬ 
 sopher as Metrocles, who could never argue 
 
 without f-g- I will set to my hand that 
 
 he is well seen in a hawks muting. Lastly, I 
 beseech master Dalton to set up his name in 
 Lincoln’s Inn privy, and register him there 
 among the dirty writers of his time, instead of 
 s 2 
 
36 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 a bastard Chronicle; because in his book 
 modesty is as hard to be found as adulteries 
 in Sparta; and this done, 
 
 O vos de Croidon , O vos de rustico Roidon: 
 
 Bibite blackjackos , per gaudio solvite sackos. 
 
 Nay, we will have verses to which a dog 
 shall not interpret. Here let the people 
 laugh, for here make I my breathing point. 
 
JWtsso&tafroUss’ perfume for filtfjg 
 
 CONTAINING A 
 
 MAD PURGE FOR MISACMOS’ LUNACY OF WIT. 
 
 Like as a good soldier in the beginning of a 
 fight first sendeth out his light armed wings 
 to° begin the skirmish, and after bringeth on 
 the battle wherein consisted, the force of Ins 
 good fortune, so Misacmos (having distasted 
 us at first with certain homely fictions and 
 uncivil epigrams) now marcheth forth mainly 
 with his Tatius, Tarquin, Claudius, Vespasian, 
 Trajan, Prisons, and Hercules; by whose 
 laws, proclamations, letters, and decrees, he 
 laboureth to approve how carefully they pro¬ 
 vided, and diligently employed both their time 
 and treasures, for the building with great state, 
 and the ordering without annoyances, of vaults, 
 common sewers, and sinks; but without a 
 
'38 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 contradiction privies. Touching which, as I 
 consent with him in the three first, so with the 
 old dunce ( Johannes de Portu Hibernico), 
 Credo quod baud , concerning the last. For 
 though (besides Dolabella’s caution , the office 
 of trium hominum , and many of that kind) I 
 find care and diligent provision made for the 
 common sewers, yet in particular name I am 
 sure (except Misacmos himself be interpreter) 
 his foul-breath’d ajax was never provided for. 
 But I see now it fareth with him as with 
 subtle sophisters, who wanting matter to work 
 upon, do cavil upon words: for what signifieth 
 this Cloaca , on which he so much worketh? 
 fetch him Cooper (that learned father of famous 
 memory), his Thomas Thomasius (a diligent 
 furtherer of good studies); not with, fie, fa, 
 fough, a smells, but in plain dealing. What 
 say they of Cloaca? a channel, a gutter, a 
 sink of a town, Cloacaleflumen; besides (as 
 U/pian testifieth) there was Cloacarium , a 
 certain fee or scot paid to these tres homines, 
 the surveyors of the common sewers, unless 
 therefore (as in talking of all kinds of grain) 
 we set down rye. For all military and soldier- 
 
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 39 
 
 like furniture, we nominate a dagger; so for 
 all sinks, sewers, and vaults, Misacmos use a 
 privy, he shall get no more fame for this than 
 Erostratus for burning Diana’s temple. Well, ^ r p a ™“ eg 
 God’s blessing on his heart; he is a toward 
 young man, and hath great cause to thank 
 God for his knowledge (like the old dunce in 
 Brazen-nose College in Doctor Calmer’s time); 
 who coming from a school among certain 
 sopliisters, from a certain quodlibet, with a 
 great sigh thanked God that now at last after 
 seven years study in the Predicabiles he could 
 define proprium. Now, fie upon it, fie upon 
 it what is this to ajax? you trifle, you are 
 fond; marry, that’s true. Well, if this please 
 him not, let him stay till a second digestion 
 and he shall have, Assets inter mains, 
 assurance to prove how well I mean him. 
 
 Alas! alas! how much I wrong him. Believe 
 me, P hilar etes, I am sorry for my negligence; 
 shall I forget his succinct collection of history, 
 his compendious and apt observations in the 
 emperors lives? God forbid! nay, you shall 
 have right Roman courage in me; praise for 
 
40 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 desert, though otherwise his professed reprover 
 in folly. What note? what note? Why thus 
 much touching his succinct observations out 
 
 of the emperors lives; I say (as Tally did of __ 
 
 Demosthenes* oration), I like that best which Miami 
 
 is longest. Yet for all this the world appre- ^ 
 
 hendeth his indiscretion; who trapping an ass 
 in golden furniture, suiting a coarse subject in Whol 
 
 lich ornaments of learning, hath approved his Msurfei 1 
 
 great wit and little wisdom. not taB 
 
 How more happy had it been for himself, nose, 
 
 and more honourable for his profession, to have 
 
 have observed the custom of the Venetians colleg 
 
 and Germans: the first of which banish bas- comm 
 
 tards from their councils; and the next vouch- agoos 
 
 safe no degree of learning to any of them in she w 
 
 their most famous universities. an ox 
 
 Now if in example of these, if his sentences Jflen 
 
 of condign merit had been answered with an m 
 
 apt, appropriate, and fit matter, nulla publica were 
 
 Vai. Lib. v. laudatione indweret (as Valerius saith of fetor 
 
 cap. 2. 
 
 Romulus ), his praise had been general; but soar 
 
 in that cleaving to rashness (the enemy of yer, 
 
 endeavour), and forsaking discretion, which as the 
 
 tier 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 41 
 
 Anthony the father said, omnia laudabili fine 
 concludit, endeth all things laudably, he hath 
 betrayed his own fame to infamy . 
 
 Etiam turn vivit cum esse credos mortuam. 
 
 Which then survives when thou believest her dead . 
 
 Who liveth, of any reading (were he content 
 to surfeit in his folly), that with Aretine could 
 not talk of Narnia, with another of a red 
 nose, with Perieres of a pye and Piaux ? I 
 have seen an oration made in praise of a 
 college custard, and very much written m 
 commendation of an ass. Who in commending 
 a goose could not bring in Plutarch, to prove 
 she was sacrificed to Juno ? or in talking of 
 an ox, could not say it was the stamp the 
 Athenians put on their money? say a man 
 were so foolish to make a book of lousiness, 
 were it not possible for him (that had read 
 history) to bring in Sylla, lousy; Acastus, the 
 son of Pelius, dying lousy; Mutius the law- »**■ 
 yer, Emus the fugitive, lousy; Amolphus 
 the emperor, lousy; Pharecides and Cahs- 
 thenes, lousy? Or if this subject seemed too 
 
42 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 nitty, what say you to Joubert and his book of 
 laughter? the common place of f—s (handled in 
 Bouchet), in helping a gentlewoman of the colic ? 
 
 Tut, and I were set on a merry pin, I could 
 write in praise of spindleshanks, because Ger- 
 manicus had such; and in commendation of 
 
 P-g> bringing out of Valerius the story of 
 
 the Cretans , who besieged by Metellus drunk 
 their own p—s. 
 
 How vain a vein is this. Nay, how vain is 
 Misacmos in his vein. Trust me, the very fear 
 to hear of this folly were sufficient to make 
 the dumb son of Crassus to cry out mainly. 
 
 How indecent is it for a man, in years stayed, 
 in birth noble, in fortunes rich, in friends mighty, 
 to be so poor only in his discretion. 
 
 Better had it been and more worthy Misacmos 9 
 learning to have digested custom into a volume, 
 and made a treatise of observations, wherein 
 as especial and with more decorum (than he 
 conceited) he might write how the privy that 
 Arrius died on, was hanged up ever after for 
 a perpetual monument, till those of his heresy 
 (to extinguish the indignity thereof) raised and 
 built a sumptuous house in the place. 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 43 
 
 He might gather out of Sigonius, how 
 capital it is amongst the Turks to dispute on 
 the laws of Mahomet, where amongst us here 
 in England it is too common a custom to 
 break ours. 
 
 Besides, if he would be pleasant, and set 
 down Ethnic’s heresies, what lets him to 
 remember, that among the Turks it is an heresy 
 t0 p__ s standing; and here m England, m 
 Casar’s time, it was a prophane thing to taste 
 a hen; where now a days, it is good fellowship 
 
 both to steal and to roast it. 
 
 He might likewise seriously observe Diago - J 
 ras’ banishment (who more modester than 
 Misacmos), only wrote that he knew not the 
 Gods; where he both knowing and reading the 
 laws of God and (which is most to be abhorred) 
 a Christian, taketh a felicity to pervert them. 
 
 But such is the custom of the world, and 
 so blind the elections of men, that the most 
 ePP k out the poisons of wit to corrupt the 
 
44 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 But return we to Misacmos' teshe, I long to 
 hear his conclusion: Forsooth, and please you, 
 the last part of his learned treatise is the man¬ 
 ner and means how to build clean, handsome, 
 and necessary privies; not altogether of M. 
 Dalton's built, whom he handles (as Horace 
 did Maecenas) scarce cleanly for his courtesies, 
 but with hydraulic engines as it seems (the 
 manner whereof he hath borrowed from Vitru¬ 
 vius, or else taken some pattern from a travel¬ 
 lers mouth who hath seen the Cardinal of 
 Ferrara's buildings at Tivoli ); and truly of 
 all his book I hold this the cleanliest; since 
 having devised and deified a goddess so filthy, 
 he hath at leastwise found a cleanly convey¬ 
 ance to wash her face when she is too slovenly. 
 
 But if with his patience I may speak, and 
 by your courtesies be heard, Philaretes, I dare 
 promise a form, and prefer an invention, where 
 (by the help of wind, as he by water) I will 
 build you a privy, without Houlden's wifes 
 privy fault, that shall neither f—t, foist, nor 
 stink, as she doth in her sleep; and how sav 
 you by that, sir? 
 
ULYSSES UPON AJAX 
 
 
46 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 Marry, sir, my privy shall be a round (one of 
 the five regular bodies in geometry), built like 
 the tower of Babel, and upon vaults too, well 
 tarrass’d after the finest fashion: now for the 
 tunnel, I mean to raise it in the midst, provided m 
 
 that divers doors and windows shall be made 
 on every side, that if never so little wind blow 
 (if a man be weatherwise) he shall be able to g were 
 
 empty his belly without diseasing his nose: et ^ w 
 
 jiet , say I (like the old end of a doctor’s bill): Wd ( 
 
 I, but how if no wind blow ? marry, then the h\$ 
 
 poor millers in Moorfields would be bank- somewl 
 
 rupts for their rents; and the witches to the Ifl, or 
 
 northwards shall sell no merry gales to sailors chargee 
 
 for their money. Let me not jest it out, it is ends, a 
 
 a very great fault in my Colfabus; but thinks mil a v 
 
 Misacmos that he can escape me? no, marry lias, f 
 
 can he not as long as there is a scape in my clothes, 
 
 belly. Now what fault, a God’s name? bar 
 
 Forsooth, he hath provided no seemly glass By 
 
 windows to his ajax; and by that means he ^uld 
 
 bringeth those that shall have use of it into a ^ 
 
 great inconvenience, and that shall I shew by 
 an example (and the rather), because exempla 
 illustrant non probant. A certain gentleman Qott ] 
 
47 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 of England going to Bocardo to do save 
 reverence, and having his quiver well furnished 
 to offer on Cloacina’s altar, after he had read a 
 lecture of untruss, claps me a Corpus cum 
 causa, on the face of Don ajax; who dark- 
 ning all the house with a frown of his fury, 
 made the poor gentleman groan and grin till 
 he were disburdened. Now, sir, the privy 
 dark, and he in the heat of his service, 
 behold (hold B, I should have said) a maid 
 of his being sick of Trajan’s disease, and 
 somewhat laxative, not staying the Qui veux 
 la, or the word, but having her piece ready 
 charged, lets fly into her masters lap at both 
 ends, and set both her windmill and water¬ 
 mill a working. Out whore (quoth the master)! 
 Alas, lie upon me (quoth the maid)! new 
 clothes, cries he with a vengeance; away runs 
 she bare-a-d without wiping. 
 
 By this example, it were good Misacmos 
 would bespeak masons and glaziers; lest sitting 
 at his ajax in great meditation on his elegy, 
 a maid of his should serve a lattitat on him 
 and the label in his bosom. How say you? is 
 not this worthy deep consideration, Philaretes; 
 
 mm 
 
48 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 Continuation especially in so cleanly a gentleman as Misac- 
 
 Tliat is, as neat 
 
 as Licon in his mos y What, like you my advertisement? then 
 
 apparel, and 
 
 as mannerly as have at it for another bout: and what is that? 
 
 the country 
 
 the n Abb^t hom Marry, it standeth very much with the judg- 
 
 £Sd of IS ment °f Misacmos to alter this element of 
 
 rChe^cT water (and if it were possible); and the reason 
 
 t!!!" abbots m is, lest some of Flora's handmaids (having 
 
 dish, desired . 
 
 his lordship Lot s wifes sickness) look back on that she let 
 
 that she might 
 
 thrust her a e fall in the water. Why, what of this? marry, 
 
 into his sauce. J 
 
 not a nihil a dangerous thing; for since Fa qua per 
 
 medium aqua apparent , grossiora videntur; 
 such things as are seen in the water seem 
 greater; it is to be feared lest the poor soul 
 should take a strong imagination, and commit 
 more trust to her belly than she can digest 
 by her back parts. Yet another, it must be 
 ordered (or taken order by Misacmos ) that his 
 ajax have a door with a spring lock, lest 
 some gentlewoman going to speak with her 
 maid in privity, have as ill fortune as a pretty 
 wench in my country. Would you know r how 
 it was, and what it was? under promise you 
 will shew ( Misacmos , my good friend) how it 
 happened, I will instruct you. A certain 
 nobleman of England having two necessary 
 
- 
 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX 
 
 49 
 
 delights that accompany great fortunes, viz. 
 a fair house to dwell in and a fool to laugh at; 
 thinking it a decenter thing in him to chase 
 his jester, than for Socrates to play with Lam- Mexiasei. 
 procles, Agesilaus to ride on a reed with his 
 son, and Architas to play with his servants, 
 one day in a merry and pleasant vein, diove 
 him up and down from chamber to chamber 
 (making him smart with a rod he canied in 
 his hand), till he forced him into a necessary 
 place where the close-stool stood; where the 
 poor ass finding a wench at the privy, and 
 very willing to defend himself, because he was 
 shrewdly pursued, he took her boldly in his 
 arms (her clothes about her ears) and bare it 
 single on her buttocks. Now, sir, here grows 
 a qucere and a caution in this place; the 
 queer it ur is, whether if the poor wench had 
 called on Cloacina for help, her goddess-ship 
 could have delivered her? the caution , that 
 henceforth both Misacmos (and whatsoever 
 builders) provide them locks and doors to their 
 ajax; lest some coy dame, that fears to walk 
 abroad without a mask, be suddenly scratched 
 and jerked over her face that hath no nose. 
 
 T 
 
50 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 Ovid, 1. Eleg. 
 Impia sub dul- 
 ci melie vene- 
 na latent. 
 
 Is not this gay geer, Philar etes ? have I not 
 matched Misacmos at his own game? Believe 
 me, believe me, I blush as I write, yet I write 
 to make men blush. For from my soul I pro¬ 
 test, and to the world I publish it, that as the 
 compounders of Mithridate (before the whole 
 body of the Venetian senate) shew their simple 
 poisons to make them known, and as the 
 quacksalvers in Germany swallow spiders in 
 open assemblies to shew the virtue of their 
 confections, so to let the world know the poi¬ 
 son of lewd language, to bring that in hate 
 which is now swallowed with too secure 
 delight, I have swallowed these morsels, which 
 religion should not digest, and rather opened 
 the cave to discover a serpent, than to suffer 
 men headlong to post to hell on the back of 
 uncivil pleasures: 
 
 Ilelleborum frustra cum jam cutis cegra tumibit , 
 
 Posccntes videos, venienti occurrite morbo . 
 
 Prevent thy griff in despei'ate estate: 
 
 Too many seek for remedy too late. 
 
 Thus far, Philaretes , hath thy friendship 
 and Misacmos 9 errors enforced me; yet this 
 
ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 51 
 
 stile, and one field more, and thou hast brought 
 me home where I would be. Come, come, 
 though the highways are dirty, the fields are 
 delightful; and a little close, of compass, may 
 have many trees of pleasure. 
 
 Methinks, I see thee wonder what story I 
 have to tell thee, and smile to thyself like 
 lean Cicero at the just reproof of this Cotta: 
 
 Hark in thine ear; JMisacmos is a Satire , a 
 quipping fellow. But, sirrah, wdiat if with the 
 merry lord in Homer , I should play the mad 
 fellow, and aim at his Ulysses’ head and politic 
 pate with a neats foot? Dost thou request me 
 to do so? why mine honest friend I will dis¬ 
 patch it quickly. But how? marry, I shall 
 talk to him thorough thy letter; and teach him 
 plainly which I have observed out of that 
 French secretary; Que le trop wider rouge mTjrahio, 
 les os de V esprit, jusques aux moelles de V igno¬ 
 rance; that too much presumption gnaweth 
 the bones of the spirit even to the marrow of 
 ignorance : and that when as malice and en\ y 
 coupled with presumption and ignorance, bark 
 against the modesty of the virtuous, the fire 
 reflecteth to burn those that kindle it; lighting 
 T 2 
 
52 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 those that are detracted from the ruins of the to cow 
 
 malicious, till they have attained both the path reason 
 
 and possession of honour. Believe me (ill alter it. 
 
 christened as thou art by thy Greek godfather), thou ai 
 
 as to reprehend justly, requireth a due discre- artful 
 
 tion, so to detract injuriously, in a great man, PflA 
 
 is a stain of honour; in a learned, a note of contem 
 
 irreligion; in all sorts, a plague of nature, Milder 
 
 rising from the thought of a corrupt, unbridled, id over 
 
 and sinful heart. How much better matter fury > 
 
 luidst thou to remember, if thou hadst read fortiti 
 
 much? and what a thing oughtest thou sooner nence 
 
 forget, if thou regard society? unsea 
 
 But thou wilt say I have taxed none but his an 
 
 such as deserve it: and yet I tell thee (and flatter 
 
 therein tax thine indiscretion) that except subjei 
 
 thou hast corrected privately, before thou and it 
 
 hast disgraced publicly, thou art a good bounty 
 
 Aristarchus , but an ill Christian. I prithee a lov< 
 
 look back into the ages, and let my pen help Pedro 
 
 thy memory; and in the face of other mens honou 
 
 faults read thine own infirmities. Whom hath his it 
 
 glory raised so high, that envy could not aim obtaii 
 
 at? or virtue made so temperate, that misfor- f r 
 
 tunes could not torture? Whoever had felicity ii lD1 
 
r 
 
 TIT 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 53 
 
 to counsel, without weakness to fall? or his 
 reason so strong, that his passion could not 
 alter it? Alas, Misacmos, it is a misery of wit 
 thou art fallen into; wherein the more thou 
 art fouled, the more thou art filed. Emilius 
 ' Paulus, the admired for constancy, yet was he »£££*■ 
 contemned in poverty: Alexander, the worlds vic0 - 
 wonder, though praiseworthy for his clemency 
 in overcoming Darius, yet hated in his drunken 
 fury when he murdered Clitus; so that his 
 fortitude, liberality, magnanimity, and conti¬ 
 nence, grace him not so much, but that his 
 unseasonable banqueting, inordinate excess, 
 his ambition in suffering the applause of his 
 flatterers, his injuries to Calisthenes, make him 
 subject to detraction: Alcibiades, a flutterer 
 and inconstant, but that his magnificence and 
 bounty redeemed those disgraces: Agesilaus, 
 a lover of his citizens, yet suspected of 
 Pedrastria with Megabates; neither was his 
 honour so great in contemning vain things, as 
 his infamy deserved in using all impiety m 
 obtaining kingdoms. 
 
 Crassus, covetous in fortune; yet constant 
 in misery. Demetrius, constant and liberal; 
 
54 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 yet pompous, prophane, and lecherous. Cato , DieDS 
 
 the censor of men (for all his severity), had not back 
 
 so strong a shield of his continence, gravity, hath 
 
 fortitude, and perseverance, but that being f°ral 
 
 studious to accuse others, he was accused him¬ 
 self of contempt of philosophy, hate of phy- ' he,bu 
 
 sicians, praise of himself, and inhumanity in ^ set 
 
 his behaviour; nay, they wrote this epigram of a j ust 
 
 him which followeth, * 
 
 noei 
 
 Rufus mordaces solitusque illidere dentes, A 
 
 Omnibus et glaucus Porcius ut periit; ^ 
 
 Ipsa timens scevce rabiem Proserpina lingua, 
 
 Ullum ei apud manes noluit esse locum, be a 
 
 won 
 
 Why press I further where these few may me, 
 
 suffice me? and what may not Misacmos sant 
 
 observe, if he digest this considerately? If all moo 
 
 these in the brightness of their honour had N 
 
 some blemish and infirmity, what privilege ere 
 
 hath he far inferior to the worst of them? if give 
 
 he be not exempt from error (as I know he is w ha 
 
 not), but that either passion devoureth him, p en 
 
 ambition o verhaleth him, intemperance seduceth non 
 
 him, and a thousand other imperfections attaint you 
 
 him: why is he so ready to breath out other use 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 55 
 
 mens reproaches, where the satchel behind his 
 back hath sins enough in it to blast him with ? *»*<• «*• 
 
 hath he a lock for all mens tongues? a bridle 
 for all mens pens? or impudency to outface 
 all disgraces? Cicero was more eloquent than 
 he, but counted a babbler; Demosthenes more 
 wise than he, yet known for a coward; Socrates 
 a just man, but accused of impiety; Cities 
 dies mihi deficeret quam oration there were 
 no end if I should prosecute this. 
 
 All life whatsoever is but a chaos of infir¬ 
 mities; and whoso will reprehend, must either 
 be a god amongst men without fault, or a by¬ 
 word to men for his foul tongue. Fie upon 
 me, whither am I grown? Misacmos is plea¬ 
 sant; why then in a pleasant and a merry 
 mood let us have liberty to talk with lnm. 
 
 Nay, first let us shake hands, as fencers do 
 ere they play their prizes; for I am sure to 
 give the Feme, I feel my fist so nimble. But 
 what weapons? what weapons? faith, with a 
 pen in one hand and a paper book in another : 
 none better; have at you, sir; I would wish 
 you keep your footing. Why, how will you 
 use me? Faith, as the milkmaid of Hackney 
 
56 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 used that most witty and learned master Fleet- 
 wood, Recorder of London (and that was 
 scarce mannerly); and how it was (without 
 any further interrogatives) I shall presently tell 
 you. 
 
 This honest gentleman walking for his plea¬ 
 sure from London towards Hackney, by chance 
 (at the very towns end) heard a bird of May 
 sing; I think you call it a cuckoo. Hereupon, 
 looking round about him to spy out some one 
 to break his bitter jest upon, he encountered 
 by good hap with this maid; whom suddenly 
 and pleasantly he bounded with this question; 
 Maid, quoth he, who is this that sings so mer¬ 
 rily; is it the Vicar of Hackney? no, forsooth, 
 said she, you mistake yourself, it is the Recorder 
 of London (a foul on her for a lying quean, 
 how unmannerly she was). Well he digested 
 the matter like a wise gentleman. Now in 
 like manner must I try your patience: was it 
 you that translated Ariosto ? I, marry was it, 
 sir. In faith, you had been better to have set 
 your legs before it than your arms; for the 
 lines are very gouty, and too untoward to climb 
 Helicon. What, are you angry at this jest? 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 57 
 
 For shame, be patient; you have used a doctor 
 far worse, and therefore look for ill chieving. Juvenal Lib. 
 I, but you set your arms before it, lest after condon^oon- 
 you were dead, cities and countries should ^ tl p U "a S u ? m 
 strive for you as they did about Homer: fear 
 not that man; for what between C loacina s 
 temple, the stationers pasteboards, the grocers 
 and chandlers spices and mustard pots, your 
 books shall be outworn in your age, I warrant 
 you: only if some survive by the mercy of a 
 friends library, the after world shall rather pity 
 your lost time, than commend your diligence. 
 
 That is for master Dalton's sake, and I pray 
 you so take it. 
 
 Now for master Plat, mine old and honest 
 friend; Why, what of him? His life in all 
 mens eyes so upright, his birth not to be con¬ 
 temned, his study for the commodity of his 
 country, you have lewdly gibed against him 
 being a gentleman of your own society, and 
 so jested at his coals, that you deserve to be 
 burnt with them for your labour. Bona verba 
 qiueso: nay, you shall not so scape it. Should 
 a man (because the fishmongers boy saw you 
 in a goodly gay velvet cloak, and on your 
 
 
58 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 footcloth, and jestingly said as you passed by hone 
 
 him through old Fish-street, that you sat on masl 
 
 your horse like a sloven on a close-stool) that aref 
 
 therefore your writing in praise of ajax was of p 
 
 fore-prophecied? or (to use Charles Chester’s be [ 
 
 jest, because you are faced like Platina) would Fieri 
 
 it not anger your heart-strings, if a man should other 
 
 say that you look like a sturdy hostler that boldl 
 
 could gird a mare till she f—t again? 
 
 Truly, it were unseemly to use a gentleman 
 of worth so grossly : now if injuries to your- thii 
 
 self, disgraces to your own person, gibing at trut 
 
 your own writings, so mightily move you, ima- j s f 
 
 gine that in others which you feel in yourself; ^ 
 
 and if you take felicity to hear well, remember j 
 
 carefully hereafter to speak well. j ate 
 
 But I forget myself, I forget myself; there V0l(J 
 
 is a pad in the straw', there is matter in it, said men 
 
 the hostler when he felt his horse's back; there y 
 
 are reasons of discontent which have moved ^ 
 
 this disaster betwixt master Plat and you; I, 
 marry be there, sir; he is a seducer; his coals rea5 
 
 Cornelias are like the alchemists elixir , much talked of, 
 
 Agrippa de 7 YOU 
 
 vanit. scient. but never brought to pass: You deceive your¬ 
 self, Misacmos , and I dare swear it by as much i 
 
59 
 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX, 
 honesty as you can pledge me, that the coals 
 master Plat maketh profession of to devise, 
 are possible to nature, not contrary to the rules 
 of philosophy; even now this term ready to 
 be proved by a demonstration; so that as 
 Fierovanti said to the Galenists of Italy, and Fieroyant, 
 
 .Lib. i. capri- 
 
 other chemical fellows, master Plat may dj 
 boldly urge against you; mine is the effect, 
 dispute you on the cause. I, but your judg¬ 
 ment (say you) apprehendeth not any such 
 thing; and for that cause you will jest at a 
 truth, in that you suspect it a falsehood. Here 
 is fair play, Misacmos , and I offer you the 
 challenge. 
 
 Draw the quintessence of your wit, capitu¬ 
 late all your readings, make an abstract of 
 your experiments, and set me down what argu¬ 
 ments you can against these coals, and you 
 shall see me make you carry coals till you fall 
 tout plat for your labour. For your conjec¬ 
 ture of stale and cow-dung, it stands not with 
 reason you are misinformed, and it were good 
 you were reformed; learn a truer fcvcdo, and 
 we will sing a kinder salve to you. 
 
 If you still brave it till your conceit be 
 
60 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 blunt, I will steel it with reason; and though 
 master Plat’s maid hath colted your intelli¬ 
 gencer, that would have wrought the secret of 
 these coals out of her, under pretence of a 
 wooing dance (for which cause you are waxed 
 so tetchy), I will use you more honestly; and 
 not only instruct you like a probable disputer, 
 but with as good pillars as all sciences do 
 consist on, I mean demonstrations (as sound 
 matter as Aristotle’s Posteriora , I warrant 
 you); I could use Tar It on’s jest upon you 
 touching the secret of Barley; who (attending 
 one day at a great dinner on Sir Christopher 
 Hatton , Lord Chancellor, deceased) by chance 
 (among other pretty jests) gave him unadvisedly 
 the lie; for which the honourable person mer¬ 
 rily reproving him, instead of submitting him¬ 
 self, he thus wittily justified: My lord (said 
 he), is it not a custom when a prince hath 
 spoken any thing note worthy, to say he hath 
 delivered it majestically ? Again, when you that 
 are monsieur s, my lords , excellencies , alt esses, 
 and such like, speak any thing; say not the 
 assistants straightways, he concluded honour¬ 
 ably? Nay, in every estate, if either noble, 
 
61 
 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 right worshipful, worshipful, gentle, common, 
 honest, dishonest, poor or rich, sick or whole 
 (et sic ad infinitum ), speak any thing; doth 
 not the world conclude straight, that they have 
 spoken nobly, right worshipfully, worshipfully, 
 gently, commonly,honestly, dishonestly, poorly, 
 richly, sickly, wholly? Nought without a lie, 
 my lord (quoth Dick Tarlton ), nought without 
 a lie: he that therefore pays it with a frown or 
 a stab, forgetteth himself. But thus will I not 
 use Misacmos , lest he that stands so much on 
 his points, should point me out with his poniard; 
 only this will I say (and that modestly too), as 
 Tully did of Viconius and his children, and 
 (E) only deducted: 
 
 Phccbo hand sinente hie seminavit libros. 
 
 Plutarch in vi¬ 
 ta Cice. To. 
 iu. fo. 52. 
 
 Which is as much as to say, as the man had 
 been happy if his book had lain stinking in 
 his study. But here, methinks, I spy a worse 
 than Enthimian misery fallen upon you (who 
 abusing the Corinthians in jest, was plagued in 
 earnest); for in discoursing your monopoly, your own 
 wherein you angle for nothing but carps to nS-j*« 
 feed other men with, you not only wax too 
 bitter a curser of your betters (a fault worse stow. 
 
62 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 than Burdet’s, and it were pity it should be 
 expiated with his destiny), but you privily 
 gird likewise at patents (I mean not the father 
 and the son, both witty and learned gentlemen) 
 t observe not who (as I am inspired) are the very genii and 
 
 Agesilaus’ law m J 0 
 
 here, Difictie good angels in furthering your best studies; 
 coldly but tbose P atents which being privileges granted 
 which V mi g ht b y a prince, fruits of her royal prerogative, 
 like wax. rewards of her trusty and honourable servants, 
 acts for humble subjects to receive with thanks, 
 not to examine according to their own shallow 
 judgments, private laws in being privileges, 
 (as both the legists and schoolmen determine) 
 are not grossly to be jested at, carelessly to 
 be disgraced, or fondly to be dealt withal. 
 Beware of this, good Misacmos, I wish you 
 as a friend; and if hereafter you mean to jest 
 publicly, and force your wit to stem the stream 
 of the worlds judgments, use Pericles’ custom, 
 piutarch. who determining to speak any thing publicly 
 desired the immortal gods that no improvident 
 word should pass his mouth. 
 
 Away with this serious talk, let us turkish 
 this text into a merrier colour. One turn 
 from Leadenhall-corner into Gracious-street, 
 
63 
 
 v!7 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 and so have with you to Westminster. Why 
 into Gracious-street? Because of all streets 
 in London you have thought this the best 
 market to make proclamation of cuckoldry. 
 
 Now, sir, what John of himself, or John by 
 constraint know you there, that hath inheritance 
 in Cornhill, whom you so prettily entitle to 
 Hornden? Mum budget, not a word. In an 
 inventory of such household stuff it is ill 
 falling to particulars, such universal proposi¬ 
 tions or prepositions require no instance. If 
 a gentle wench have invited you to a banquet 
 of turnups, be not too talkative; lest suiting 
 yourself in pure rash your love repent her 
 lying abroad, and you your speaking too 
 broadly. In handling your common places, 
 shut up your tongue; lest being Plenus 
 rimarum (as Parmeno said of himself), you Teretu 
 be narrowly looked into. O Misacmos , since 
 all men may be cuckolds, actu vel potentia , it 
 is dangerous to talk of them; but if you will 
 needs bite on this morsel, beware to be offen¬ 
 sive ; for to general terms none but the guilty 
 take exception. Should I play at this weapon, 
 what should let me to hit home, and yet observe 
 
 
64 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 the laws of humanity ? Shew wit without prof¬ 
 fering wrong. 
 
 As thus in a pleasant irony, to disfigure a 
 householder in a figure: The man hath a 
 great charge, and therefore this dear year it is 
 Amaitheas’ good having cornucopias in his household . 
 of plenty, or This is a jest without gall, and this no less 
 
 otherwise 
 
 plenty ofhom. pleasant than the former. If it be true that 
 physicians say, that the perfume of horn is a 
 sovereign medicine against the pestilence; hozo 
 happy shall many mens neighbours be that 
 have horns of their own to burn and drive the 
 plague out of their chambers. 
 
 This is a form I inform you of, because I 
 know some exceptions taken against your other 
 deformed observation. Mend it, mend it, or 
 burn your books, as the desperate Zanthians 
 Aliasdictusa did their city; lest from the Babel of your 
 Babie. pride, men say you derive your babbling. 
 
 Hark what a tale I heard in Gracious- street, 
 of an ungracious turn, which was returned 
 upon a gentlewoman. 
 
 A pleasant wench of the country (who 
 beside Chaucer’s jest, had a great felicity in 
 jesting) encountered in a morning with a far- 
 
65 
 
 ^7 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 mer of her husbands, -who came that Michael- 
 mas-day to pay his quarter’s rent (beside a 
 dozen of powtings for my landlady, his mis¬ 
 tress), seeing him scrape his courtesies afar 
 off, and very loath to come near and salute 
 her, pleasantly said thus; Come near, Thomas; 
 be not afraid, I neither fling nor bite. The 
 poor fellow (gathering heart of grace on this 
 encouragement) returned her this answer: Bith 
 mass, mistress, and you be so gentle, you are 
 the fitter beast to be ridden: here is quid pro 
 quo; a gird for a gibe: beware of mocking 
 plain fellows, lest after this sort in plain terms 
 they thus mock you. 
 
 Go to, Menippus in wit; God keep you Dfeigtj-* 
 from his fortune. Use citizens well; and r—^ 
 though you be as familiar with some of their •>“ «*“*• 
 wives, as Tulip’s epistles, yet to the husband 
 read nothing but his offices, lest they prefer 
 you to an office or officer. 1 have to talk 
 with you for the Markhams too, my worthy, 
 worshipful, and beloved friends; and therefore 
 •prepare new weapons: for I must wring you 
 for wronging them. Though their desert can 
 outlive your disgrace, yet shall your disgrace 
 u 
 
66 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 live by your disgracing them; get therefore 
 the grimsire to seal you a pardon of course, 
 or my second course shall be so current, that I 
 will course you out of breath; these are but 
 easy tricks, as wrestlers use before they begin 
 their utmost. The other shall be laboured 
 like your own; as ready to move laughter, as 
 Naphtha to take fire; which till you meet, 
 make a register of your best conceits, for I 
 mean to make trial of the utmost of your 
 learned courage. Enough of this, till the 
 feast of enough follow. They say, once 
 warned, well amend; thank me kindly for 
 these courtesies. 
 
 What remaineth now, but in few words to 
 counsel Misacmos: first (if he pretend to jest), 
 to observe the custom of the Spartans, in 
 avoiding scurrility; next, in the modest car¬ 
 riage of his words, to become an Athenian; 
 who had a custom to cover and colour obsce¬ 
 nities and filthiness, with apt and decent names, 
 according as Solon taught them. A lubber 
 to cry, Mother, go cack, when he is able to 
 truss himself, is indecent. Remember what 
 your grandmother taught you, Misacmos , and 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 67 
 
 make your books more mannerly. Lastly, in 
 correcting, learn of Plutarch to do all things piutarchin 
 
 vita Alexand. 
 
 in way of commiseration, and not in contempt: 
 for who reproveth in derision, defaulteth in 
 humanity and judgment. To be short, instead 
 of the salt of bitter language, let Misacmos 
 learn to seek the salt of wisdom: for as the 
 one is fretting, galling, and a sucker of blood, 
 so the other (as saith Gregory ), Acquiritur per 
 pacem , is gotten by peace, breedeth peace, 
 nourisheth virtue, instructeth error, and maketh 
 the life savoury, which appeareth in that of 
 the Evangelist Mark; Habete in vobis sal , et 
 pacem habebetis inter vos; have salt among 
 you, and you shall have peace among you. 
 
 To conclude with Misacmos , let me teach him 
 two receipts, and so leave him. First, to avoid 
 evil smells, let him get him a clean tongue and 
 a sweet breath, for that is pleasing to gentle¬ 
 women ; let him use the incense of prayer, to 
 kill the stinking venom of serpents lurking in 
 his heart; let him put less wormwood in his 
 ink, and more continence in his thoughts; and 
 if his tongue will not leave clacking, let him 
 learn to light the candle of charity before him, 
 
68 
 
 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 as gardeners are wont to set lamps by lakes’ 
 sides, to put croaking and troublesome frogs to 
 silence. Finally, to purge his lunacy of wit, 
 Trincavei de I neither prescribe him turbith, agaric, sarco- 
 
 usu med. 
 
 Lib. i. cap. 14. cola, nor a dram of scammony, according to 
 Dioscorides; neither rhubarb of Pontus, nor 
 manna of Calabria, but an ounce of good 
 thought, mixed with a scruple of Pythagori- 
 cum silentium , which shall so purge him of 
 ambition, heal the inflammations of his tongue, 
 and exhale the venom of his heart, that when 
 he next meets me, he shall say, I am the hap- 
 Bouchet au piest of physicians (of whom Bouchet jestingly 
 speaketh in the presence of a bon drole or 
 francatripe); that the sun beholds their good 
 cures, and the earth covereth their grievous 
 faults. 
 
 Thus kindly leave I Misacmos with his cure; 
 which if he requite with choler, let him resolve 
 himself, that I have wit and learning enough 
 car je pcnse- to make him as tame as Crassus 9 lamprey. For 
 ptus^tou- having truth on my side, and diligence my 
 
 angc au service 
 
 de la vertuque friend, I neither fear his grim looks nor his 
 
 jeneferaiala ' ° 
 
 suite de vice. Martial's pen. Let him write never so soon, 
 
 Bouchet au * 7 
 
 7 ” e * I will become novus homo , a new man (with 
 

 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 69 
 
 Cato), rising from obscurity to fame by his piot&rch in 
 disgrace, and so I leave him. For thee, Phi- 
 laretes , and thy friends, I end in heartily com¬ 
 mending me: and since I am assured of your 
 well meaning, you may boldly command my 
 service. But even here in shutting up of my 
 letter, a merry jest encounters me which I 
 must needs tell you. Henry the Eighth in his 
 youth, a prince of famous memory, riding a 
 hunting in grass time, with certain of his nobles 
 and familiars, by chance made towards a gen¬ 
 tlemans park of good estimation and reckoning, 
 whom he highly favoured; where (finding the 
 park gate locked, and being very desirous to 
 enter) he set his horn to his mouth, and merrily 
 winded it to call the keeper. Sir Andrew 
 Flamocke (a valiant and quick witted gentle¬ 
 man) standing hard behind him (and that very 
 instant troubled with the colic), even at the 
 very time the king drew his horn from his 
 mouth, lets me fly a rouncing F from his T. 
 
 The king looking back, and angerly asking 
 who it was that durst be so beastly in his 
 presence? Sir Andrew (after a low congee) 
 made this answer: If it please your majesty, 
 
70 ULYSSES UPON AJAX. 
 
 you blew for the keeper, and I blew for John, 
 the keeper’s man. Now to allude this, Phi- 
 laretes, in this sort conceit me. For those of 
 thy faction that kindly interpret, courteously 
 accept, and friendly protect my pleasures, I 
 commit the kingly blast of encouragement; I 
 mean the matters of weight, worth, and discre¬ 
 tion. For the rest, that captiously desire to 
 pry, carelessly to condemn, and injuriously 
 detract, I commit the filth, worse than Sir 
 Andrew Flamocke’s f—t, to their digesting. 
 And so to Tarlton’s testament I commend 
 you; A little more drink, then a little more 
 'bread; a little more bread and 
 a few more clothes; and 
 God be at your sport, 
 
 M. Tarlton. 
 
 MISODIABOLES. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
REPRINTED BY C. WHITTINGHAM. 
 AT THE CHISWICK PRESS, 
 
 M DCCC XIV. 
 


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