THE ENTRATPED HEIRESS OF WITHAM ! A SATIEICvVL POEM. A YERY LIMITED NUMBER REPRINTED FROM THE SUPPRESSED EDITION, FOR PRESENTS ONLY. TOTIIAM : ?Prmtcli at Ctjarics Clarft's ^Pri&ate ^Press. Boctot's OE, THE ENTRAPPED HEIRESS OF WITHAM. DOCTOR’S “DO”-INGS; OR, THE ENTRAPPED HEIRESS OE WITHAM ! BY CHARLES CLARK. ’T were a concealment Worse than a theft ♦ • • To hide your doings . — Siiaksfearr. Worse than a theft ♦ A g^ood razor never hurts or scratches ; neither would good wit, were men as tractable as their chins.— Guesses at Truth, 1830. They have smelt out the Heiress, and the money, most certainly • • • ♦ like Fortune- hunting Rogues.— 2’Ae Old Mode and the New, a Comedy, 1650. Such vices as stand not accountable to law should be cured as men heal tetters — by casting ink on them. — Marston. A VERY LIMITED NUMBER REPRINTED FROM THE SUPPRESSED EDITION, FOR PRESENTS ONLY. TOTHAM : IPrmteti at Cljarles Clark’s IPribate ^|ress. A DOCTOR’S “DO”-INGS; OR, E\it (Jntrapprt ^tixm of 0Ettf)am I ■ GODS ! from Brixton what strange news we hear, — They say, a rheumatic old soul. Some weeks since, at their Church, without shame. From the altar made off with the COLE ! That from Witham, in Essex, they find. This offender so bold came to town ; Where — long before now ! — he has been As a culler of simples^^ w'cll knowui ! That e’en ere the rash act was committed. Quite incensed seem’d each hater of vice ; For ’twas plain that the Priest — -just before — Had made such a great sacrifice ! Yet, rather than make such another, lliey trust long at home he may tarry ; For it seems — though so devilish strange — He sacrificed all to Old Harry ! ’’ Should you fear that I slander this Priest, Let reflection abate your misgiving ; They must all be sad dogs” that so make E’en the dead help support their good Living I -But as some — ^like our sly son of Galen — May few patience possess, and me blame, Know, the COLE that was taken— though strange— Had without any match raised flame Mind, I don’t mean the flame” raised by Swing By hts much less mischief is done, — But a ^ flame ’ in a doctor^ s breast raging. Which seem’d a most phial-ent one ! \ es, a lass, in this doctor, alas ! Had destroyed all the wonted tranquillity ; Than before, he grew rougher in manners. Though he lost not his fame for dose-ill-ity ! And ’tis doubtful if much he’d have fretted Had he found there were me and all you ill : Strange! to see one so anxious for COLE, Yet not at all pleased to sec few ill I 7 To hint why this COLE had such power Docs not us dull sinners become ; But Pat thinks to be charm’d there’s a rason^^ When ’tis current that there is a plum ! ” Sure, she favour’d with cash or estate Is the lass of all others to take ; When old rakes once find out such a fairy How soon we espy them a-waJee ! Though se-f/e^c-tion’s a most foul offence. There’s a thought makes our case seem less black Those who pond-ox it o’er should reflect The offender is only a quack ! Besides, by some Benedicts young He’d been told there was nothing in life — Except ’twas a brute of a husband — That ever yet beat a good wife ! When he blushingly knelt as your slave. And sigh’d out each tender expression. Oh ! Georgiana, you then must have thought Those who practice^^ regard the profession But go ask sage Experience this. And her sides you’ll with laughter convulse : Would that he who a pulse so oft felt Had been doom’d then to feel a ^^-pidse ! Marvel not that a Knight of the Lancet Should so writhe ’neath the rosy god’s shafts, Wlien it seems such a poor sorry plan To raise the wind'*'* merely by draughts ! E’en where there no lack is of brass,'* The prosj)ect it ever must please. To have — ^with our silvery locks” — A good store of gold ’neath our keys ! And this prospect delightfiil to view. You have only to win a rich lass; — Oh ! all — like our Catholics — now Seem in secret inclined to a-mass I But our leecli^'* e’er he so salivates us, His love of quicksilver seems vast ; So few are surprised now they see him E’en attempt to make gold arrive fast ! Compared with bright age, sure, we boys Of the charms of the sex are poor scanners ; Had we nous, we should ne’er tell our love” But to her who possesses good manors ! Man'*s estate” may suffice for dull youth,— F or him who’s to cunning no debtor, — But the wisdom of age, it appears. Deems that of an heiress far better ! On the few friends Georgiana has left How severe is the sentence now heard ; For the silly belle still had been free If of counsel she’d gain’d but a icord ! Since she’s been so entrapp’d, some with doubt Of the victim’s right intellect speak ; — They forget — if with doctor's stuff''’* plied — E’en Sathanus himself would seem iceak ! But if aimed our shafts be at her^ On the wrong horse the saddle we put ; And think not a man’s weaker resseV* Shall e’er of our jokes be the butt ! Others think, the young lass (a la David) Take for heat did her musty old soul ; But Pat — who to cash gives odd names — Says ’twas only to get at the COLE ! ” And now-a-days vice grows so rife — To such a strange pass things are brought. We sec — where no principle's found — For mere interest men will do aught ! Oh ! if in this world there’s a sight At which offence honesty takes. It is to see young beauty live But to ^\fork out” the cash for old rakes 10 And we fear, fair Georgiana, find. As of cash oft such gents stand in need, They’ll not prove, in the end, but vain fears When your love” has resolved you to bleed I But the wife whose good lord’s such a gunner. Oh ! surely it ne’er much can shock her — (When it don’t break the peace ^^) — to behold him Extract a few shot from the locker ! ” Yet, as oft there’s a sad going off,^ E’en where much of guns appears known, — Such a wife, if she’s wise, will entrust The stoeh^'* in no hands but her own ! Howe’er, in our case, there’s a thought Which lessens the disapprobation : — Some at length, who’ve e’er sought after pleasure y Content are with mere re-creation ! And but right, sure, it is in those wights Who’ve so oft put an end to men’s cares. To try the sad loss — ^tlirough their draughts — To make up by their number of heirs ! Yet, though to be greeted as Father ! ” A pride in some breasts may inspire. We can’t believe one e’er so merry Eeally wishes to soon be a sire ! 11 If he doeSy oh ! to others^ sad lot, ’Tis hoiked, ere he leaps he will look; For — Malthus-like — married men all Should e’er a good eye keep to Hook I* Oh ! what numbers of husbands have sigh’d O’er their wives’ doctor’s bills till they’ve quiver’d ; But, Georgiana, should she be confined,” There’ll no long ugly Bill be delivered ! If a doctor he’d been, even Malthus, Perhaps, would have held half his ^^jaw;’ For he then might have cared scarce a rush At finding his spouse in the straw ! ” Then, as those wise faculty ” lads Than others have much less to fear. It may please her fond youth should Georgiana Soon as mothery grow as stale beer ! Quite a trlimp” of a daddy he’d make. All swear, when the question folks moot : As a gunner like him, who so fit To teach young ideas how to shoot I ” « In Aberconwaycliiircli-yard, Caernarvonshire, is the following Epitaph; — Here lieth the body of Nicholas Hook, of Conway, Gent., who was the one-and-fortieth child of his father, "William Hook, Esq., by Alice his wife, and the father of seven-and-twenty children. He died the 20th day of March, 1637.” Oh ! as now on a virtuous hand He constancy’s emblem has placed, — While his ^^dear” wears the ring of plain gold,” We trust he’ll keep one that is chaste ! Yes, we should take care, when the fruits Of Hymen we daily are reaping. To have things with our altered state — (And not still a mistress) — " in keeping ! ” But, as he’s blest with both beauty and youth. Sure, our hero won’t now prove a rover ^ For — ^if there’s no snake in the grass '^ — E’er at home he’ll be living “ in clover ! ” As such room^^ for complaint has the wife Whose rheum-’^tic lord fast out keeps wearing. Should Georgiana ne’er sigh for a son. She’ll have cause to seem always for-hearing ! And while by old age and gay youth So unlike are the objects pursued. Where in years there’s a dilf’rence of fftg, Tis plain, there must be forti-t\iA.Q ! Poor thing ! as grim Death never long Lets the aged go free as he speeds. Fail* Georgiana,— e’en should she not wish it— How soon must the flower'^ be in weeds Should she see through the plot, and resent. What a life for her dotard, — my stars ! Then — as well as nice pots in his shop — In his house, oh, what family jars ! ’’ For full oft — as I’d have each youth know Ere his dear” he escorts to the altar — Worse evils arise from the bridal Than Jack Ketch ever saw from the halter ! When too late, he discover will then. While his days seem fast reaching their goal. How some hands’^ — ^^vho’d fain stand near the great. Burn their jingers'' through meddling with COLE Yes, then he’ll repent it full sore. That he e’er tried the heiress to win ; And find — like each pair in NoaVs ark — How nicely he’s been taken in But, as gunners like him, who so blest ? They still have resources, we trace ; For — whenever aught injures their nerves — How soon they can go get — a brace And, did you know the life led by young wives Who are cursed with mates dull as logs. You might guess how ’twill please gay Georgiana When she finds her^s is gone to the dogs 14 — Ah ! how oft doth the loss of a parent To the hopes of the child prove a bar : In our case, all yet well had remain^ If the mother had still been the mar ! Her dead, — see THE ORPHAN pack'd off With guileless friend Dan to abide ; And there — till attained was the end — Kept from others so snugly aside ! Know, all knavish plotters, this worthy — So good is his jockey ship reckoned — When for aid you^re obliged to go forth, He^s of all men the frst for your second! There^s no fear that in his honest breast Any plan to deceive you e’er lurks : Far and near, he as famed is for faith As his medical friend is for works /” Yet, they say, should you lend him a Deed, You would then indeed seem no discerner ; For — though things he so strives to derturn — You would find he was not a re-turner ! Poor Dan ! not fit e’en for a lawyer. Immaculate wights as they are : In Saint Stephen's however he may rail. No posd^ can he get at the Bar! No doubt, as so snugly got thi’ough All has been for oui- Miss-^dd^^-ing Mister, Dan will try — now he sees him a husband — To make him to one e^en a-sister ! — All vow since our pair left the altar. And ah ! ^tis as clear as the sun. That the Priest — when he’d fasten’d their knot — Left ONE to remain still undone ! See, when a Trustee’s to be chosen. On his fitness how one can enlarge ; — But a popper of guns and the question” Will, doubtless, look well to the charge — When we pass’d t’other day, lord ! how tonish By his love” our ’Squire loll’d in his chaise Oh ! that plain honest grazier^ his dad. What would he have thought of his greys ! But a sight I then saw so alarms. It all hopes from my mind has quite dreft : Though the right side” he got of her once. E’en thus soon on the other he’s left ! And who knows ? through Georgiana, at length. If with spirit enough she’s endued. We may find our good hero — so clever — To all even seeming quite shrevddl 16 Oh ! than see a quack’s (jrey^ sure, each draught. Away men much sooner would chuck it ; For how shocking Death’s pale horse” to view When we’re sure then to soon kick the huchet /” Our hero’s nice friend,” Mr. Horn’em, Cares not what colour’d steed ’tis he runs. Provided al-ways,” to his optics. There is no Appearance” of du7is — Recollect you must not, my old file,” While youth has demands which still urge on. Quite run wild should your victim, at length. Seem to waive all the claims of the surge-on ! And, certes, it e’er is alarming, While one’s spouse ev’ry day still more snubs. To find, after all, their fine wed-focA Is not quite so safe as famed Chubb’s ! Most old wights, circumstanced like yourself. As well as the rose, find the thorns ; While their neighbours, with truth, triwigjet forth — '"Their brows should be deck’d with the horns!” Put know. Doctor, — (as he who’s thus cross’d Some thought to console him so needs) — Should Georgiana e’er vex with her actions, \ ouTl still remain blest with her Deeds ! Besides, to your pure legal “ friend” E’er a case of crim. con, would prove nuts And one ’twould assist on whom duns” Now inflict the unkindest of C aS"/” — Gentle reader, you now must be tired — Perhaps, think to the dogs IVe long threw I shall pun till I you quite disgust. For such wit, we all know, is a new sense ! If (a miller’s shirt like) I’ve been bold,* I crave pardon of each subject British; And I trust you’ll excuse my Pegasus If at times he appears rather skittish ! Oh ! long may it be ere again I have sueh vieious deeds to record : Strange ! to see men are still narrow-minded When we’re told the sehool-master’s a-broad ! But hold, — here’s the last of my stanzas — All my satiric wit is now penn’d ; So behold — as you would a fop’s clothes — At last, you’ve arrived at THE END! sense ; ♦ “ The Saxon Proverb says, * there is nothing bolder than a miller's shirt, for every morning it takes a thief by the throat,* ** — Facetice Bebelkince, All in my puss I eyes the round shiners. All in my puss for a nice good dip they lay ; If any von should ax’t how I gots at ’em, Tell ’em that an heiress I lured, lured avay ! ’Twas a-going of my rounds ’mong the ^ Jlats^ I first did meet her, — Oh ! I thought she seem’d as ^ green’ as one just from the nurse-ry ; And I never saw’d a chance more tempting or completer. Veil one cried, ^ By Jove! quite an heiress she’ll be by-and-bye 1 ’ Oh 1 my dupe she vos young, and my dupe she vos blind” too. And no counsel gived those stupid friends vot could my dupe’s mind svay 1 For to ved me vos a thing she never vos inclined to. But I sent my dupe far oS to Dan’s, snug, snug avay ! For many long vceks my dupe from youths was parted, For many long vccks at Brixton bound to stay; Good luck to that chap vot never vos false-hearted, (!) Oh ! I’ll love my Dan for ever, for he plannM, plannM the vay 1 There is some old dogs” is so preciously designing, A-coaxing of the simple gals they vish to make all pay ; As soon as they have ^Mone’^ ’em, so shamefully they run” ^em. And they never rests nor ceases till all^s spunged, spunged avay 1 Oh ! I saVd my dupe of age ere to the church we started, Vhich did give her — as I hinted — power vith her cash to play; And though she may me hate, oh 1 ve’U never more be parted. For she’ll fork out^^ and keep bleeding for many a long day ! All in my puss I eyes the round shiners. All in my puss for a nice good dip they lay; If any von should ax’t how I gots at ^em. Tell ’em that an heiress I lured, lured avay ! ^rintrU at €i^avle» ©larVa l^vibatc 2roti()am.