ARTES
LIBRARY
*
1837
SCIENTIA
VERITAS
OF THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
PLUATEUS UNUM
TUEBOR
SI-QUÆRIS PENINSULAM AMŒNAMB
CIRCUMSPICE
B. A.
808.8
G877
&
1
}
THE
OLI 0:
BEING
A
7
COLLECTION
ESSAYS,
DIALOGUES,
LETTERS,
BIOGRAPHICAL
O F
ANECDOTES,
PIECES OF
POETRY,
PARODIES,
EPIGRAM S,
EPITAPHS, &c.
CHIEFLY
ORIGINA L.
SKETCHES,
BON MOTS,
BY THE
THE LATE
Hjqg F..
FRANCIS GROSE, E F. A. S.
א
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR S. HOOPER, NO. 212, HIGH HOLBORN,
FACING BLOOMSBURY-SQUARE.
M,DCC,XCII.`.
?
Engl.
Blackedly
+
16 447
(
ADVERTISEMENT.
OF the various articles, original and compiled,
which form the aggregate of this MEDLEY, the
feries of Effays entitled the Grumbler only were
printed while the ingenious Author was living: of
the reft it will be difficult to aſcertain, whether he
meant to give them to the public, or only to
referve them for his own amufement, and the
entertainment of his friends. To draw a con-
jecture, however, from the mode in which they
were collected and preſerved, it feems moft
likely to have been his intention, when at leiſure
from more important or interefting purfuits, to
form them into a volume. The publifher there--
fore prefumes, that he does nothing more than
execute, though imperfectly, the defigns of his
deceaſed and much-lamented friend; with an
anxious care at the fame time, as far as his judg-
men goes, not to uſher any thing into the world
which was merely intended to be kept as an ob-.
ject of private curiofity.
23
THE
ADVERTISEMENT.
THE Effays, written after the manner of
Addiſon, and of the various periodical Effayifts
that followed him, were under the affumed charac-
ter of a Grumbler, addreffed to one of the Au-
thor's intimate friends, who conducted a newf-
paper, and to whom the publiſher committed
the revifal of the whole. The greater part of
thefe Effays or Letters, were printed in the
paper alluded to, the English Chronicle; the
others, which are now firſt publiſhed, were
evidently intended as a fequel to that work.
THIS OLIO Confifts of a great variety of
articles, in verſe and profe; many of which
were evidently written by Mr. GROSE, others.
collected or tranfcribed and fome, as ap-
pears from private letters, communicated by
friends. The publiſher regrets that he had not
the means of arranging each in its proper clafs,
nearly the whole being in the Author's own
hand-writing; and particularly that his reading
does not enable him accurately to diſtinguiſh
the Anecdotes, Jefts, Bon Mots, Epigrams,
&c., which are original, from thoſe which are
compiled.
A SKETCH
A
SKETCH
O F
FRANCIS GROSE, Efq. F. A. S.
BY A FRIEND..
It was intended in this volume to have given fome
account of the Life and Writings of Mr. Grofe; but
that work being deferred to the next year, the follow-
ing Poetical Sketch, by his friend Mr. Davis, of
Wandsworth, may not be unaptly introduced; as it will
give to thofe, who were unacquainted with the author,
fome idea of his character and perfon, while to thofe
who had the good fortune to know him, it will be re-
cognized as a ſpirited and well-drawn portrait..
SINCE, thanks to heaven's high bounty, free,
And bleft with independency,
I tafte, from bufy ſcenes remote,
Sweet pleaſure in a peaceful cot,
While other bards for int'reft chufe
To proſtitute their venal mufe,
Ard
A SKETCH OF
And offer incenfe, with deſign.
To pleaſe the great, at falfehood's fhrine,,
Suppoſe for paftime I portray
Some valu'd friend in faithful lay.
GROSE to my pen a theme fupplies,
With life and laughter in his eyes.
Oh! how I can furvey with pleaſure,
His breaſt and ſhoulders ample meaſure ;;
His dimpled chin, his rofy cheek,
His fkin from inward lining fleek.
WHEN to my houſe he deigns to paſs
Through miry ways, to take a glaſs,
How gladly ent'ring in I fee
His belly's vaft rotundity !:
But though fo fat, he beats the leaner
In eafe, and bodily demeanour ;
And in that mafs of fleſh fo droll
Refides a focial, gen'rous foul.
HUMBLE----and modeft to exceſs,
Nor confcious of his worthiness,
He's yet too proud to worſhip ſtate,
And haunt with courtly bend the great..
He draws not for an idle word,.
Like modern duellifts, his fword,
But fhews upon a grofs affront,
The valour of a Bellamont.
On
FRANCIS GROSE, ESQ;
:
On comic themes, in grave difputes,
His ſenſe the niceſt palate ſuits;
And more, he's with good-nature bleft,
Which gives to ſenſe ſuperior zeſt.
His age,
age, if
you are nice to know,
Some two and forty years ago,
Euphrofyne upon his birth
Smil'd gracious, and the God of Mirth
O'er bowls of nectar fpoke his joy,
And promis'd vigour to the boy.
WITH Horace, if in height compar'd,
He ſomewhat overtops the bard;
Like Virgil too, I must confeſs,
He's rather negligent in dreſs;
Reftlefs befides, he loves to roam,
And when he ſeems moft fix'd at home,
Grows quickly tir'd, and breaks his tether,
And ſcours away in ſpite of weather;
Perhaps by fudden ſtart to France.
Or elfe to Ireland takes a dance;
Or ſchemes for Italy purſues,
Or feeks in England other views;
And though ſtill plump, and in good cafe,
He fails or rides from place to place,
So oft to various parts has been,
So much of towns and manners feen,
He
!
A SKETCH OF
He yet with learning keeps alliance,
Far travell'd in the books of fcience;
Knows more, I can't tell how, than thofe
Who pore whole years on verfe and profe;
And while through pond'rous works they toil,
Turn pallid by the midnight oil.
HE's judg'd, as Artiſt, to inherit
No fmall degree of Hogarth's fpirit;
Whether he draws from London air
The cit fwift driving in his chair,
O'erturn'd with precious firloin's load,
And frighted madam in the road;
While to their darling vill they haſte,
So fine in Afiatic taſte.
Or baſtard fworn to ſimple loon:
Or fects that dance to Satan's tune..
DEEP in antiquity he's read,
And though at college never bred,
As much of things appears to know,
As erft knew Leland, Herne, or Stowe;
Brings many a proof and fhrewd conjecture:
Concerning gothic architecture:
Explains how by mechanic force
*Was thrown of old ftone, man, or horfe;;
Vid. Pref. to Antiquities, p. 11.
Defcribes
FRANCIS GROSE, ESQ
Defcribes the kitchen high and wide,
That lufty Abbot's paunch fupply'd;
Of antient ftructures writes the fame,
And on their ruins builds his name.
* Oh late may, by the fates decree,
My friend's Metempſychofis be,
But when the time, of change fhall come,
And Atropos fhall feal his doom,
Round fome old caftle let him play,
The brifk Ephemeron of a day;
Then from the fhort-liv'd race efcape,
To pleafe again in human fhape.
*He was partial to the doctrine of tranfmigration.
Nov. 30, 1773• .
Y
CONTENTS.
L
(xiii)
CONTENT S.
THE GRUMBLER.
Efay I. THE Author's account of himſelf
II. On the improper application, and the
ludicrous effect of certain names
III. The vanity of funerals
IV. Different fignifications annexed to the
ſame words and expreffions
V. On the irrational purſuit of Virtu
VI. Public nuiſances of the metropolis
VII. Contraft between the tradefmen of the
preſent and of former times
VIII. Frequency of perjury, occafioned by the
Page
I
5
9
12
16
20
24
laws
29
IX. Of the trade of begging
32
X. Of the common errors in the education
of children
36
XI. Sketch of fome worn-out characters of
the laſt age
40
XII. Complaint of a wife at her huſband's
rage for antiquities
45
and ladies
XIII. Of the academies for young gentlemen
XIV. Sketch of a modern connoiſſeur
50
54
b
XV. On
Xiv
CONTENTS.
XV. On the diftreffes fuftained from mif-
placed and overſtrained civility
*XVI. On the inconveniences and mortifica-
tions to which perfons, too delicate
and dainty in their food, are liable
XVII. On the ridiculous confequence affumed
Page
58
64
from fuperiority of places of refidence 70
XVIII. Patriotiſm a narrow and felf-intereſted
energy of the mind
XIX. On the ludicrous incongruity of names
given to ſhips in the royal navy
77
81
XX. Pedantry not confined to men of letters
XXI. On the inattention to decorum and clean-
85
linefs of people advanced in years
XXII. On flip-flopping, or mif-application of
words
88
9.2
"
EPISTLES, VERSES, &c.
Epistle to the right hon. Lord O----w
Verſes on the Wincheſter Theatre, ſpoken by
Mr. Davis, between the play of Falfe Delicacy
and the farce of the Jovial Beggars
96
100
* The First Sixteen only were printed in the life-time of
the Author.
Prologue,
CONTENTS.
XV
Verfes published in the Saliſbury Journal
Prologue, fuppofed to be ſpoken by a native of
Ireland
Eines addreffed to Mrs. H-----, an antiquated
Demirep
Page
ΙΟΙ
102
103
Poetical epifle to Mrs. Green
104
Dialogue between a traveller from London and a
waiter at a Scotch inn
105
Another Dialogue between an Engliſhman and a
Scotchman
114
Chronicles of Cox-heath camp
117
The Blunders of Barming-heath
121
Cox-heath advertiſement
126
Specimen of modern oratory
127
of modern criticiſm
128
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES
Of Mr. Jofeph Ames
Mr. William Oldys
Dr. Ducarrell
The Rev. George Harveſt
Paríon Patten
John Warburton
31
1. 2.
*
133
136
139
143
150
158
Of
xvi
CONTENTS.
Of Dr. Johnſon
Dr. Butler
Sir John Hawkins
General Lloyd
Fournier
1
Chatelain
Tull
Worlidge
Hollar
Hekel
Parry
Smith
.!
I
1
Page
161
162
@
163
164
165
166
168
169.
ib.
170
171
172
ANECDOTES
Of Lord Northington
Lord Tyrawley
The Antiquarian Society
Lord Londonderry
Winyard, Efq.
Doctor Riley
173
.
175
176
177
178
P
179.
Mr. Cervetti
180
Mr. Echard
182
Mr. Conftable
ib.
The Earl of Harrington
184
Q&
CONTENTS.
xvii
Page
Of Sir Jofeph Ayloffe
184
Mr. Caufield ·
185
186
Mr. Monings
Dr. John Egerton
Mr. Wilkes
George Selwyn
An Irish Lady
The Weſtminſter electors
A failor
Mr. Fox
Mr. Heyman.
A reprobate buck Parfon
The Copeluck Landlady
Dr. Halifax
A lover of mufic:
ib.
187
188
ib.
189
$
ib.
190
ib.
191
ib.
ib.
192.
Dr. Sharp
iba
The Duke of Norfolk and George Selwyn
193
A bruifing Parfon
ib.
Dr. Wilfon
194
George Selwyn
ib.
A young ſpark and quaker
•
ib.
Lieut. Forbes
An Irishman
An Iriſhman and tythes
195
ib.
ib
An Irishman and fuicide
196
The contempt of the clergy
ib..
The first regiment of guards
Col. Bodens.
197
ib..
b. 3
JESTS,,
xviii
CONTENTS.
Page
197
198
JESTS, BON MOTS, AND BLUNDERS.
A very bad man
A lady given to ſcolding
An Irishman angling in the rain
A jolly Bacchanalian
George Selwyn
An Iriſh fervant
Capt. Patrick Blake
A lady reproving a gentleman
Lieutenant S-
}
t
ib.
ib.
199
ib.
200
ib.
201
Lieutenants R-- and P
ib.
Enfign B
B--
of the Surry militia
ib.
Charles Fox and the butcher.
202
and Weſtminſter voter
203
and dead cat
ib...
A clauſe in an Irish bill to limit the privilege of
franking letters
ib..
A claufe in another bill for pulling down the old
Newgate in Dublin, &c.
204
Lieutenants B- and D--
ibi.
The Rev. Mr. Newman and enfign B--
205
Enfign B. and his mother
iba
Lord Thurlow and Mr. Pitt
206.
A drummer and recruit
ib.
SKETCHES
:
CONTENT S.
Xix
SKETCHES OF THE TIMES.
London
Vifiting
Cries of London
Page
207
208
6.
I
Illuminations
Beggars
Vagrant impoftors.
Grave robbers,
Pariſh jobbing
Coaches
1
210
21 L
212.
214
216-
217.
218
Churchyards.
222
Riding double
Whitehall Eclogue
224
226
Parady on the Indian death-fong
233
On a Scotch Preſbyterian
EPIGRAM S,.
Written by a gentleman attending at the Secretary
of State's office
On the Drummers of the Weftminſter militia
234
2.35
ib.
On a diſpute between two musicians
236
Robert's complaint
ib.
Advice to a lady
ib.
On Mr. Gipps and Mr. Taylor
237
On a Parfon.
238
On
4
CONTENTS,
On an officer fantaſtically dreffed
On a lady who fquinted
On Mrs. Fury
Epigramme
On a friend of the author's
Verſes of a Spaniſh poet..
Degrees of fwearing
On the fair fex.
R
Page:
239
ib.
240
24I
ib.
ib.
242
243,
OBSERVATIONS ON DIFFERENT
SUBJECTS.
On advertiſements in public newſpapers
244.
On the comparative ſtate of the deaf and blind
258
On the criminal laws of England
259-
On general compliments
:.
266
On the flave trade
ib...
LETTERS,
Giving an account of an extraordinary apparition
In vindication of Sir JM--
To the critic of the Gentleman's Magazine
26%
273
277
282
ib.
CURIOUS.
From a lamp lighter of Covent-garden theatre
By Mr. Stoppelear
CONTENTS.
xxi
CURIOUS EXTRACTS, ANECDOTES,
AND STORIES.
Page
From a regiſter of Eaft Dean, Suffex
284
From a treatiſe entitled a Chriftian's facrifice
285
Longevity of the tortoife
288
Extraordinary anecdote
289
Others
290
Curious lines.
292
Anecdote of Mr. Goftling
ib.
Story of Mr. Coſnan
293
Six-bottle Jack
294
Curious differtation on Heraldry
295
Superftitious notions.
296
On wigs
297
Extempore verfes
298
Irish hand-bill,
299
Verfes on the fire of London.
ib.
1
EPITAPHS.
xxü
(
CONTENT §;
EPITAPH S.
On a ferjeant of the Surry militia
In the true ftone-cutter's ſtyle
On a wife
On one Munday, who hanged himſelf
On a dyer
On a ditto
On a ſeaman :
On a tailor
On Alderman W
of Guildford.
Page
300
30 F
ib.:
302
ib.
ib.
3.03
ib.
ib.
305
On a diſorderly fellow named Cheſt
On Evan Rice, huntfman to Sir Thomas Maunfel ib.
The fame Engliſhed
On Mr. Croft, a ſtaymaker
On John Underwood
On John and Edward Topham
ގ
307:
308
309
ib.
In Biddeford churchyard
ib.
In Dorcheſter churchyard.
ib.
On Sir John Trollop
R
8
310
On the lady of Dr. Greenwood, who died in
child-bed
ib..
On a lieutenant of marines
311
On a failor in Leoftoffe churchyard, Suffolk
312
In the churchyard of Sevenoaks, Kent
ib.
In Weſt Grinstead churchyard, Suffex
On -- Du Bois, a fencing maſter
ib.
313
In
CONTENTS.
xxiii
In Rocheſter churchyard, Kent, in memory of
Page
Sarah Elway
313
1
In St. Margaret's churchyard, Rocheſter
ib.
In the churchyard of Christchurch, Hants
314
7
On Thomas Day
On an officer of excife
On John Triffry, Esq.
On John Langdon
On Mr. Levett's huntfman
On a bailiff
On a fecond wife
In Edmonton churchyard, Effex
On a publican
'
On a failor, in Harwich churchyard
315
ib.
ib.
316
t
317
ib.
ib.
318
ib.
319
Another
ib.
On a perſon of the name of Stone
ib.
On Thomas Hawkins, the first yeoman of the
guard
320
In Hearne churchyard, Kent
32.I
In Guildford churchyard
ib.
THE
1
4
1
1
THE
GRUMBLER.
ESSAY I.
The Author's account of himself,
IT is an old, and I believe an acknowledged,
obfervation, that Engliſhmen, affembled in a
ftage coach or other public vehicle, are, at their
firſt meeting, fhy, and apparently actuated by a
kind of repulfive power, till jumbled together
into a degree of intimacy, that is, till they have
reciprocally announced themſelves, their ſtations
and connections. This being the cafe, and as I
may probably take more than one journey in
the vehicle of this paper, in company of fome
of the preſent readers, I think it neceſſary to in-
troduce myfelf to them, to give them fome traits
A
of
2
THE GRUMBLER.
of my diſpoſition and peculiarities, with the
different caufes which have confpired to con-
ſtitute me, what I fhall for the future ftyle my-
felf---A GRUMBLER.
To begin with my age---I am ſomewhat paft
fifty, and, though of a hale conſtitution, I have
nevertheleſs received various bodily items and
hints, that I am not exactly what I was twenty
years ago. Now, as the idea of a decline is by
no means an agreeable one, I comfort myſelf by
attributing every ach and pain to the changeable
weather of our climate, with which, ufing the
freedom of an Englishman, I am continually
finding fault. I am alfo fometimes led to con-
ceive the ladies do not treat me with their ufual
attention; but this I charge to the extreme folly
of the preſent times, which I cannot, however,
help condemning.
THE make of my perfon is not a little calcu-
lated to produce difcontent; for though my body
contains as many cubic inches of fleſh as would
form a perfonable man, theſe are ſo partially
diſtributed, that my circumference is nearly dou-
ble my height; added to this, I have that appen-
dage to my back, which is by vulgar naturalifts
held as a mark of nobility, entitling the bearer
to the appellation of---MY LORD. The fre-
quent
!
THE GRUMBLER.
3
quent recapitulation of this title makes me dif-
like to ftir abroad on foot; I cannot ride on
horfeback, and have not a fufficient income to
afford a carriage, except on extraordinary oc-
cafions.
WITH refpect to politics, I am a ftaunch Op-
pofition-man and Grumbletonian, having neither
place, contract, nor penfion; bred to no trade.
or profeffion, I have occafionally been the hum-
ble companion of men in power; but my me-
rits and abilities have been overlooked by
them all.
LASTLY, to complete the catalogue of the
means of fouring my temper, after twenty years
clofe attendance on the humours of a peevish old
maiden aunt, (a kind of Lady Bountiful) and dur-
ing that time patiently liftening to the roll of her
former admirers, and the good offers fhe has re-
fuſed, taking all the noftrums in her receipt-book
for different diforders, fwallowing her jellies and
cuſtards till ready to burft, fuffering the imper-
tinence of her favourite maid, being repeatedly
bitten by her lap-dog, pinched by her parrot,
and ſcratched by her cat---all this in hopes of
becoming her heir---ſhe has, in the fixty-ninth
year of her age, thrown herſelf into the arms of
A 2
Mr.
4
THE GRUMBLER.
Mr. Dermot O'Flannagan, a Patagonian quar
ter-mafter of an Irish regiment of horſe.
HAVING, from theſe and various other cir-
cumſtances, acquired a habit of grumbling on all
occafions, and having neither wife, children, nieces,
or dependants, the common objects on whom
theſe acrimonious particles are ufually diſcharged,
I have, by degrees, grumbled away all my ac-
quaintances, except one old deaf lady, and there-
by at length found my error, and in vain endea-
voured to correct it; but, alas! it has taken too
deep root in my conftitution. This has obliged
me to alter my plan, and convert this difpofition
to the public fervice, by venting my fpleen on
the vices and follies of the times. If, by acci-
dent, it ſhould in any inftance produce a reform-
ation, I ſhall have done fome good; if not, it will
at leaft, in a ſcarcity of news, ferve to fill up a
ſpace in your paper, and fave you the trouble of
reviving fome bloody murder, or fabricating fome
wonderful fea-monſter driven afhore near Deal
or Dover,
ESSAY
THE GRUMBLER.
5
ESSAY II.
On the improper application, and the ludicrcus effect
of certain names.
THE bufinefs of ftanding godmother and
godfather to children is a matter of much more
ferious confideration and confequence than is
generally conceived; I do not mean as to the
folemn undertaking to inftruct the infant in the
duties of our religion---a fubject more proper
for the pulpit than this effay---but I confine
myſelf fimply to the naming of the child, whofe
future comfort, during great part of its life, de-
pends on the name the fponfors are pleaſed to
give it. Battles innumerable await a youth of
fpirit labouring under a fingular name. The
rage for fine names is incredible. Among the
middle and lower order of tradefmen, we find
few Joans, Hannahs, Sarahs, Rachels, or Eliza-
beths---but Anna-Marias, Charlotte-Matildas,
Eliza-Sophias, and fuch other romantic and royal
A 3
appella-
THE GRUMBLER.
appellations fill the parfon's baptiſmal regiſter,
and lifts of the little boarding-fchools about
Stoke Newington, Hoxton, and Iſlington, where
young ladies of that rank receive the rudiments
of their education. High-flown names of this
kind found ludicrouſly, when directed to perform
the ordinary houſehold drudgery. It would be
next to impoffible to refrain from fmiling on
hearing Clariffa ordered to wind up the jack, and
Catharine-Ann-Maria to empty the afh-tub, or
fetch a pail of water.
+
I remember a ſchool-fellow of mine, who was
a ſtriking inſtance of the inconvenience of a re-
markable chriſtian name. He was a very honeft
fimple lad, unluckily called Solomon. His
name and mental abilities formed too ftrong a
contraft, to eſcape the leaft boy in the fchool;
therefore, not to fpeak of the jokes with which
it furniſhed his companions, it lay too obvious
to eſcape the mafter, who unfortunately was a
punfter, and who, in correcting him for a fault,
could not refrain from imbittering the chaſtiſe-
ment with fome allufion to his name, or compa-
riſon of his wiſdom or his judgment, with thofe
of his royal namefake. If he appeared in a new
coat, the whole fchool was convened by ſome
wag or other, to fee King Solomon in all his glory.
A god-
THE GRUMBLER.
A godfather would do well to avoid fuch
names as admit of any ridiculous diminutives, or
are fubject to vulgar witticifms. Edward, for
example, is a name dignified by the Black
Prince, and that warlike monarch, Edward III.
yet all their laurels fcarcely avail againſt the
ridiculous appellations of Neddy or Teddy my
godfon.
DANIEL, though the name of a prophet, is,
as every ſchool-boy knows, fubject to many bye-
words and fcurvy rhymes, which I will not here
repeat. If one of that name pretends to fore-
fee any thing likely to happen, he is jeeringly
faluted as a prophet; and if he appears uneaſy,
terrified, or ſurpriſed, he is faid to look as if juſt
come out of the lion's den.
PETER is another name---I know not why---
to which the idea of an odd fellow is generally
annexed. There is fcarce a regiment but has an
officer nicknamed Peter, who is always an ec-
centric being, and frequently a ſtupid fellow.
Was it not that Greek is almoſt as rare among
military people as money, I fhould fufpect it
was built on fome allufion to the Greek word
fignifying a stone.
REGARD ſhould likewiſe be had to the ſphere
of life in which the boy is likely to move.---
Theo-
8
THE GRUMBLER.
Theophilus, Nathaniel, Theodofius, Obadiah,
Noah, and Michael, are very good names for a
diffenting minifter, but would make an indiffer-
ent figure on a mufter-roll, or lift of dramatic
performers in a ſtrolling company.
On the other hand---George, Alexander, Guy,
Sampfon, and Orlando, are exceeding good mi-
litary names and convey the ideas of fighting
men, but favour too much of affault and battery
to appear to advantage in a court of law. Hard
names give the bearers fomewhat like the ex-
ternal huſk of learning; and Onefiphorus, Vin-
centius, Euſtatius, and Defiderius, look well at
the bottom of a legal opinion, or phyfical pre-
ſcription, eſpecially if precurfors to D. D.
L.L D. or F. R. S.
In many profeffions, it is well known a happy
name has been the caufe of a great fortune.
Thus a Lottery-office keeper, by the furname
of Goodluck, either real or affumed, almoſt mo-
nopolized the fale of tickets. Had he been
chriſtened Fortunatus, nothing could have with-
ſtood him. Several pretty little competencies
were afterwards picked up by gentlemen in the
fame profeffion, under the names of Wingold,
Sharegold, &c. &c.
ESSAY
THE GRUMBLER.
9
ESSAY III.
The vanity of funerals.
THE good people of England are all ex-
tremely fond of expenfive funerals; but this is
moft confpicuous in perfons of the lower order,
and of them the women. Many a wife, who
hated her huſband moft cordially, and never
ſuffered him to enjoy one quiet day during his
life-time, expends what ought to maintain her
family for fix months, that the poor dear foul
may have a handfome funeral, a velvet pall,
with braſs handles and hinges to the coffin; and
will want ſhoes and ftockings for a year to come,
that the parfon may be fhod all round, that is,
equipped with a hat-band, ſcarf, and gloves.
It is in England only that the epithets of de-
lightful and charming are applied to ſhrouds and
coffins, and that with fuch energy, as almoſt to
make one believe the ſpeaker envied the perſon
for
1
10
THE GRUMBLER.
for whom they were provided. In the Weft of
England, I knew a number of old alms women
each club their only fixpence, and deprive them-
felves of their afternoon's pipe and cogue, to pay
for the hire of the beſt velvet pall, for one of
their fifterhood, to whom they would not have
contributed one peny to fave her life, or releaſe
her from a gaol.
To be buried, what is called decently, is a great
object with almoft every inferior tradefman or
artificer; and a furviving huſband or wife, who
ſhould expend no more on the burial of their
dear ſpouſe, than their fituation abfolutely re-
quired and juftified, would run the rifque of be-
ing themſelves torn to pieces, or interred alive,
for having put their huſband or wife into the
ground like a dog.
In one extravagance we, however, fall ſhort
of our anceſtors; that is, in the article of fu-
neral fermons, which are not now fo much in
ufe. Formerly, for a funeral ſermon, many
a difconfolate widow or widower, has paid their
laft half-guinea, guinea, or even more, accord-
ing to the quantity of Latin with which it was
larded.
FASHION and foppery affect even this laſt
exhibition of human vanity. Particular under-
takers
THE GRUMBLER.
II
takers are famous for the elegant curve of their
coffins, the neatnefs of their feather-edge, and
tafte in the hinges, plates, and decorations, but
more efpecially for the becoming and genteel
cut of their ſhrouds. Nor is perfonal flattery
confined to the living, but is alfo poured forth
on the dead; nothing being more common than
to hear a nurfe compliment the relations of
the deceaſed, by declaring her mafter or miſtreſs
makes the fineſt corpfe fhe has feen this many
a day.
IN London, an expenfive part of a country
funeral is faved, at leaft to the meaner people;
that is, the wooden rail or head-ſtone, infcribed
with rude ill-fpelt poetry, and decorated with
fculls, croſs bones, Time with his fcythe and
hour-glafs, or little blubber-cheeked cherubims
blowing the laft trumpet.
On the other hand, when a fuccefsful haber-
dafher or tallow-chandler is buried in his pariſh
church, vanity often prompts his widow or heirs
to put up a monument to his memory, under
the accumulation of the following expences :---
Forty pounds to the herald's office for a coat of
arms; ten guineas to the mafter of the free-
ſchool, for a dozen Latin hexameters, recording
his birth and virtues; and fifty guines for a
fmall
12
THE GRUMBLER.
fmall marble monument. In return for all this
expence, the family will have an armiger on re-
cord; his epitaph, being in Latin, cannot be
read and contradicted by his neighbours; and in
a few fucceffive generations, the virtues there
attributed to him may paſs current.
.
ESSAY IV.
Different fignifications annexed to the fame words
and expreffions.
MANY words in the Engliſh language, ow-
ing to the prefent perverfion of manners, carry
no pofitive or general ideas with them, nay,
have even contradictory meanings, according to
the latitude or longitude in which they are fpo-
ken. To know what is meant by any particu-
lar appellation, you must be acquainted with the
age, conftitution, party, refidence, amuſements,
and profeffion of the fpeaker.
FOR want of the previous confideration of
fome of thefe articles, I had likely to have got
into
THE GRUMBLER.
13
into an ugly ſcrape with a Captain O'Flannaghan,
who was recommended to me by a relation I
have in Ireland, as a gentleman of remarkable
honour. On this character I introduced him
into my family, and luckily detected him in an
attempt to debauch my wife, and elope with my
eldeft daughter, after having, as I believe, cheat-
ed me out of a confiderable fum of money at
cards. On coming to an ecclairciffement, he
demanded fatisfaction, for what he called an af-
front; and it was with the utmoſt difficulty I
eſcaped a duel. I have fince learnt from my
coufin, who has ferved long in the army, that
by a man of honour he meant only a man of
courage---one that was always ready to fight on
any occafion, right or wrong.
ANOTHER inftance I met with in the coun-
try. In a vifit to a friend, at a great town in the
North, I accompanied him to the public bowl-
ing-green, where I faw a very genteel looking
man, who ſeemed to be fhunned by every body.
By accident, entering into converfation with
him, I found him a very well-informed, polite,
and agreeable gentleman. In my way home,
I could not help taking notice of what I had
obſerved, and enquired of my friend the cauſe
B
of
:
34
THE GRUMBLER.
of this gentleman being thus evidently difre-
garded. "Caufe enough," anfwered he; "that
fellow is the greateſt fcoundrel upon earth."---
"What has he done?" faid I---" Has he
any.
unnatural vices? Has he debauched the wife or
daughter of his friend? Or is he a bad huf-
band or father?"---" We don't trouble our-
felves about his amours or connections," pee-
vishly anſwered my friend; " but to do the
fellow juſtice there is nothing of that---he is be-
fides both a good huſband and father." "What
then, has he committed a murder, or been guil-
ty of treafon?" "No," added my friend---
« beſides we have nothing to do with his quar-
rels, and don't trouble our heads with his party;
we have nothing to fay againft him on thofe
fubjects." "What then, in the name of For-
tune, can it be! Is he a cheat, a blacklegs, or
an uſurer?" "No, no!" replied my friend, no
fuch thing; but if you will have it, know then,
that good-looking plaufible villain, in his own
farm-yard, fhot a bitch-fox, big with young.".
Recollecting that my friend, and moft of the
gentlemen on the green, were ftaunch fox-hunt-
ers, my wonder ceafed.
NOR are the times of the day any more marked
or pofitive than other words; but morning, noon,
and
པ་་:
THE GRUMBLER.
IS
and evening, mean very differently from differ-
ent perfons, and in different places. I remem-
ber formerly having received an appointment
to wait on a noble Lord the next morning, for
want of duly confidering his Lordship's rank
and amuſements, I went át ten o'clock; but after
knocking full half an hour, was convinced by
a flip-fhod footman, that morning would not
commence in that houfe till fome hours after the
fun had paffed the meridian.
ON a fimilar appointment from a Welch
'Squire, I was at his door at eight, having been
told he was an early man; but judge my fur-
prize, when his fervant informed me, his maſter
went out in the morning. On enquiry, I found
morning in that houſe did not reach later than
feven o'clock.
AN honeft fellow, no longer ago than laſt week,
cheated me confoundedly in a horſe. He was
recommended to me by my cousin, Juſtice
Tankard. On my remonftrating to him the
falfe character he had drawn of his friend, I
learnt that with him an honeſt fellow meant only
one who would not baulk his glaſs, and could
fwallow fix bottles of port at a fittting.
THE term of good man has, it is well known,
an almoſt infinite number of fignifications, fome
:
B 2
of
16
THE GRUMBLER.
of them diametrically oppofite to each other, ac-
cording to the different local fituations where it
is ufed, and the perfons by whom it is uttered;
but among them all, it is not more ſtrange than
true, that it is rarely uſed to exprefs its literal
meaning.
ESSAY V.
On the irrational purfuits of Virtu.
AMONG the numerous purchafers of coins,
marbles, bronzes, antiquities, and natural hiſtory,
how few of them have their purſuits directed to
any rational object.
ANCIENT Coins, infcriptions, or fculptures, are
only ſo far uſeful, as they tend to the illuſtration
of hiſtory, chronology, or the ſtate of the arts, at
the time they were executed. Nor are the great-
eſt collections of natural hiſtory worth preferving,
unleſs employed in enabling us to conceive ſome
of the wife and wonderful arrangements of the
Creator.
THESE
THE GRUMBLER.
17
THESE are indeed the proper objects; but I
fear the majority of our prefent collectors are
actuated by other motives, and rather hope that
being poffeffed of rare and coftly articles will
ferve for their paffport to fame, be admitted as
a proof of their learning and love of the ſciences,
and at the fame time obliquely infinuating fome
idea of their riches.
MANY perfons feel a kind of pre-eminency
from poffeffing an unique of any fpecies of virtu.
This idea was carried fo far by a connoiffeur
lately deceaſed, that he has been known to pur-
chafe duplicates of rare prints, at very confider-
able prices, and afterwards to deſtroy them, in
order to render them ftill more ſcarce.
BESIDES theſe there are a fpecies of collectors,
who ſeem to have a rage for every ſtrange and
out-of-the-way production of either art or na-
ture, without having any particular end or de-
fign; fuch was the man whoſe character is here
given.
JACK Cockle was from his infancy a lover of
rarities; all uncommon things were his game;
when at ſchool, he would give half his week's
allowance for a taw of any uncommon fize or
colour, a double wall-nut, a Georgius halfpenny,
or a white moufe; in fhort, any thing uncom-
B 3
mon
18
THE GRUMBLER.
•
mon, whether natural or artificial, excited his
defire to poffefs it.
As he grew up, his tafte dilated, and mon-
ſtrous births and anatomical preparations were
added to the catalogue of his refearches. Un-
der this influence, I have known him ride twenty
miles to purchaſe a tortoifefhell boar cat, a kit-
ten with three eyes, or a pig with but one ear.
All deviations from the common walk of Na-
ture, whether of deficiency or redundancy, were
his defiderata.
BEING poffeffed of plenty of money, it may
eaſily be conceived that every thing deemed ex-
traordinary, found, born, or produced, within
forty miles of his refidence was brought to
him; fo that in a fhort time his mufeum was
filled with monſters and curiofities of every de-
nomination, dried, ſtuffed, and floating in ſpi-
rits; and as his poffeffions encreaſed, his rage
for collecting grew more violent. This purfuit
not only ferved to amuſe him, but befides made
him derive a portion of fatisfaction from real
misfortunes. For inftance :---Once, when his
wife miſcarried of a fon and heir, he derived
great comfort from bottling the foetus of the
young 'Squire. Another time, at the manifeſt
rifque of his life, he had a very large wen cut
from
THE GRUMBLER.
19
from his neck, not fo much with a defire to get
rid of that unfightly incumbrance, as from the
confideration of the addition it would make to
his fubjects in fpirits. And not long ago, his
wife, being with child, was terribly frightened
by a pinch from a lobfter, careleſsly left in a
baſket. Jack, who really loved her, was much
diftreffed at the accident, but feemed to receive
comfort from the opinion of the neighbouring
old women, nurſe, and midwife, that in all pro-
bability the child would in fome of its limbs
or members reſemble the object of its mother's
terror.
His defire to inveſtigate uncommon objects in
nature fometimes involved him in very diſagree-
able fituations; and once in Ireland, befides a
terrible beating, had nearly drawn on him a
criminal profecution. The cafe was as follows:
According to common report, there are in that
country a few remaining defcendants of the peo-
ple with tails. To one of them, an old woman,
he offered a handfome fum of money for an
ocular proof of this phenomenon, and on her
refuſal, attempted to fatisfy his curiofity by force;
a fcuffle enfued, the old woman cried out, and
brought two ſturdy fellows, her grandfons, to
her affiſtance, who beat him moft cruelly, and
to
20
THE GRUMBLER.
to complete his misfortune, laid an indictment
againſt him for an affault, with an attempt to ra-
viſh their grandmother; and it was not without
a confiderable expence, and great trouble and
intereft, that the matter was accommodated.
ESSAY VI.
Public nuifances of the metropolis.
!
»
SPECULATIVE writers on police lay it
down as a maxim, that in all things, private
emolument and convenience muft give way to
public accommodation; juft the contrary is how-
ever univerfally the practice of this metropolis,
and that by perfons of all ranks.
Ir a lady of faſhion has a rout, the public
ſtreet is blocked up by carriages, fo as for the
greateft part of the evening to be rendered to-
tally impaffable; whereby the mail-coach, car-
rying the public difpatches---a phyſician going
in hafte to a patient,---or an accoucheur to a ly-
ing-
THE GRUMBLER.
ΣΙ
ing-in woman, may be often ſtopped for feveral
hours. It will be anfwered, they may go
round: fo they might, was there any fignal
hung out at the end of the ſtreet, as in the cafe
of new paving it; but for want of this notice,
carriages attempting to paſs become fo involved
in the melé, as to be unable to extricate them-
felves. Nor is the nuifance lefs inconvenient
to foot-paffengers, the pavement being entirely
occupied by chairs, whofe poles prefent them-
felves like the ſpikes of a cheval de frife, threat-
ening a fracture to the knee-pans of thoſe who
are ſo hardy as to attempt a paſſage. Any re-
monftrance or requeſt to make way, would not
fail to draw down the abufe of the party-colour-
ed gentlemen attending.
BUT to leave the great, who feem in all
countries to have the privilege of breaking the
laws with impunity, let us fee whether the pub-
lic convenience is more confidered by people
in inferior ftations.
How often do we find the foot-way at noon
totally occupied by brewers, lowering down
beer into the cellar of an alehouſe? Afk one of
them to permit you to pafs; the conſequence
will be an infolent reply, curfes, attended with
a tor-
22
THE GRUMBLER.
a torrent of abuſe, if not a ſhove into the ken-
nel.
SIMILAR encroachments on the public paths
are daily made by grocers, cheeſe-mongers, and
wholeſale linen-drapers, who in the buſieſt time
of the day, in the most frequented ſtreets, caufe
the articles of their commerce to be toffed into
or out of a cart acroſs the pavement; in which
cafe it requires fome agility, as well as know-
ledge of the laws of projectiles, to avoid a blow
on the head with a fugar-loaf, a cheeſe, or a
roll of linen.
If a cart is delivering or taking in a load in
a narrow street, and the drivers find it conveni-
ent to drink a fup of porter at the neighbouring
alehouſe, no entreaties can prevail on them to
hurry down their liquor; but the public way
remains ftopped up during their will and plea-
fure. Nothing is more common than for gen-
tlemen's coachmen to place their carriages fo
as to occupy the public croffings, particularly
in dirty weather. The erections called hoards,
built up before houfes under repair, are in ge-
neral fo managed as to become great interrup-
tions to paffengers, as well as harbours to pick-
pockets. Was the accommodation of the public.
at
THE GRUMBLER.
23
at all confidered, way might be made through
them.
Ir any lodger, dwelling up two or three pair
of ftairs, amufes himſelf with cultivating the
fcience of botany, by means of pots fet on the
leads, it is the bufinefs of paffengers to guard
againſt the water that runs through them, as well
as againſt the pots themſelves, which in windy
weather are frequently blown down. In this
cafe, the general fafety yields to the amuſement
of an individual.
I will not infift on the little inconveniencies
arifing to the public from fervant maids wafling
their doors about noon, fince that commonly
happens but once a week, and does not endanger
life or limb. Befides, the trundling of their
mops frequently produces employment for that
ufeful artizan, the fcourer.
ESSAY
24
THE GRUMBLER.
ESSAY VII.
Contrast between the tradefmen of the prefent
and of former times.
WHAT a contraft between a tradeſman or
citizen of former times, and thofe of our days!
To go no farther back than forty or fifty years,
a thriving tradefman was almoſt as ſtationary as
his fhop; he might at all times be found there;
sc
keep your ſhop, and your fhop will keep you,
was a maxim continually in his mind. Born
within the found of Bow-bell, he rarely ventured
out of it, except perhaps once or twice in a
fummer, when he indulged his wife and family
with an expedition to Edmonton or Hornſey.
On this occafion, the whole family, dreſſed in
their Sunday clothes, were crowded together in
a landau or coach hired for the day. On Eaſter
or Whitsunday he might likewife treat himfelf
to a ride on a Moorfields hack, hired at eigh-
teen
THE GRUMBLER.
25
teen pence a ſide, through what was then called
the Cuckolds Round.
Ir in holiday time a friend was invited to
dinner, which was not often the cafe, his fare
was a large plumb pudding, with a loin of veal,
the fat fpread on a toaft, well fauced with melted
butter, a buttock of beef, or, if the gueſt was
of the Common Council, poffibly a ham and
chickens. The drink was elder or raiſin wine,
made by his wife, and ſtrong ale in a filver tan-
kard. The meat was brought up in new-fcoured
pewter; the apprentice cleaned the beſt knives,
and the maid, with her hands before her, waited
at table, ferving every gueft with a low curtefy.
His wife was dreffed in her beft filk damaſk
gown, with flowers as large as a fire-fhovel,
fo ſtiff that it would have ftood alone---pro-
bably left her by her mother or grandmo-
ther.
THESE tradefmen paid their bills when due,
and would have conceived themſelves ruined,
had a banker's runner called twice for a draft;
and after going through all pariſh and ward of-
fices, as well as thofe of their company, termi-
nated their days in rural retirement, at Turn-
ham-green, Hackney, or Clapham Common;
from whence they could now and then make a
C
trip
26
THE GRUMBLER.
trip, in their one-horſe chaife, to vifit the fhop
where they had acquired their fortune. The
daughters of thefe men were taught all kinds of
needle-work, and at a certain age were initiated
into all the culinary fecrets of the family, pre-
ferved in a manufcript handed down from their
great grandmother. The fons, inftead of loſing
their time in an imperfect acquifition of a little
Latin, were well grounded in Cocker's and
Wingate's arithmetic, and perfect adepts in the
rule of three and practice.
A tradefman of the prefent day is as feldom
found in his ſhop as at church. A man of any
fpirit cannot, he fays, fubmit to fit kicking his
heels there; it is confequently left to the care
of his apprentices and journeymen, whilft he
goes to the coffee-houfe to read the news, and
fettle the politics of the pariſh. His evenings
are ſpent at different clubs and focieties. On
Monday he has a neighbourly meeting, confift-
ing of the moft fubftantial inhabitants of the
pariſh: this it would be extremely wrong and
unfocial to neglect. On Tueſday he goes to
the Sols, or Bucks, among whom he has many
cuſtomers. Wedneſday he dedicates to a dif-
puting club, in order to qualify himſelf to make:
fpeeches in the veftry, or at the Common Coun-
cila
THE GRUMBLER.
27
cil. As a man of taſte and cultivator of oratory,
he forms an acquaintance with fome of the un-
der players, from whom on their benefit nights
he takes tickets, and at other times receives or-
ders. If he has the misfortune to fing a good
fong, at leaſt a night in the week is devoted to
private concerts, of gentlemen performing for
their own amuſement at fome public-houſe.
As a good huſband, he cannot refufe to accom-
pany his wife and daughters to the monthly af-
fembly, held at a tavern in St. Giles's or Soho,
and ſometimes to a card party, to play an inno-
· cent game at fhilling whift.
DURING two or three of the fummer months,
he and his family take a tower, as they term it,
to Margate, Brighton, or fome other of the wa-
tering places, where, to make a handſome ap-
pearance, and look like themſelves, they are
dreffed out in every expenſive piece of frippery
then in vogue.
IF a friend is invited to take a family dinner,
nothing less than two courfes will go down;
befides the footman, the porter and errand boy
exhibit in liveries. Claret and Madeira are the
liquors.
ON a tradeſman of this fort entering into the
holy ſtate of matrimony, his wife's drawing and
dreffing-
C 2
1
28
THE GRUMBLER.
dreffing-rooms muſt be furniſhed according to the
neweſt faſhion, with carpets, curtains, looking-
glaffes, girandoles, and all the faſhionable ap-
pendages.
If he has a family, the young ladies, as they
are always ſtyled, are fent to a boarding ſchool,
where they are taught to dance, to jabber a few
mifpronounced French phrafes, and to thrum
two or three tunes on the guitar or piano-forte;
but not a ſingle ſtitch of plain-work, for fear of
making them hold down their heads, or ſpoiling
their eyes; and as to houſewifery, they could as
foon make a ſmoke-jack as a pudding.
THE education of the male part of the fa-
mily is not more fenfible. At ſchool they are
taught the Latin grammar, and advance in that
language to Corderius and Cornelius Nepos,
which is forgotten in three months after they
leave ſchool. This, with a little French, danc-
ing, and blowing a tune on the German flute,
completes the piece.
THIS ftyle of living is for a while ſupported
by paper credit, and affifted by two or three
tradeſmen of the fame defcription, who jointly
manœuvre drafts of accommodation, and run
through all the mazes of that art denominated
fwindling; till at length, overpowered by the
acccumu-
THE GRUMBLER.
29
accumulated expences of renewals, intereft, and
forbearance money, this gentleman-like tradeſ-
man makes his appearance in the Gazette, pre-
ceded by a Whereas, and falls to riſe no more,
but terminates his life in the Marſhalfea or
King's Bench, his lady in the pariſh workhouſe,
his daughters, if handſome, in a brothel, and
his fons, unable to procure a livelihood by in-
duſtry, make their exit at Newgate, or are fent
on their travels at the national expence---to Bo-
tany Bay.
ESSAY VIII.
Frequency of perjury, occafioned by the laws.
THE great number of oaths, which different
laws direct to be taken, has long been an object
of complaint. On almoſt every occafion, in
the Cuſtom-houſe, before the Board of Excife,
and thoſe of every other branch of the revenue,
gentlemen, merchants, and tradefmen, are re-
quired to fwear to the different articles of their
buſineſs,
€ 3
30
THE GRUMBLER.
buſineſs, commerce, or trade---often reſpecting
circumſtances it is almoſt impoffible they fhould
at all times know. Nevertheleſs, without taking
fuch oaths, their different concerns muſt all be
at a ftand.
THE frequency of thefe oaths, and the flo-
venly, not to fay irreverent and indecent, man-
ner in which they are adminiſtered, tend greatly
to take off their folemnity, by degrees to weaken
their impreffion on the mind, and confequently
to leffen the horror for perjury; ſo that no-
thing is more common than to hear perfons, in
every other inſtance men of integrity and con-
ſcience, talk very lightly of a Cuftom-houſe
oath. Nay, indeed, it is faid, and I fear with
too much foundation, that there are a fet of
men, who attend at the Cuſtom-houſe, under
the denomination of Damned Souls, in order, for
a certain fee, to fwear out any goods whatſoever
for the merchants, although they never before
heard of the articles, or faw the parties, and
are totally ſtrangers to every part of the bufi-
nefs. But even thefe men have a kind of falvo
to quiet their fcruples----that is, to take a pre-
vious oath, by which they bind themſelves ne-
ver to fwear to the truth, at the cuſtom-houſe
or excife office. Surely great care ought to be
taken
THE GRUMBLER.
31
taken to check every thing that may tend to fa-
miliarize perjury, or leffen the popular reverence
for an oath. Againſt falfe evidence, backed by
perjury, the life, honour, and fortune, of the moſt
harmleſs man is not ſafe.
LET any one, who hears an oath adminifter-
ed as it is too commonly done in our courts, fay
whether he thinks that a proper manner of ad-
dreffing an appeal to the great Creator of all
things, and whether he would not diſcharge a
fervant, who fhould not treat him with more
reſpect ?---Indeed oaths are fo haftily and inat-
tentively gabbled over by the generality of law
clerks, that the only intelligible fentence is the
laft, namely, give me a fhilling; fo that few per-
fons know the exact conditions of the oath they
are taking.
MANY of the lower people are fo little in-
ftructed in the nature of an oath, that they fup-
poſe they ſhall eſcape the guilt of perjury, by
kiffing their thumbs inftead of the book; and
others conceive, that the crime of a falſe oath is
in the direct ratio of the book on which it is
taken: it being perjury to forfwear oneſelf on a
common-prayer book, greater on a prayer book
and teſtament, and greateſt of all on the prayer
book bound up with the old and new teftament,
this
32
THE GRUMBLER.
;
this conftituting what is properly called a bible
oath.
PERHAPS fome plain practical diſcourſes from
the pulpit, on the fubject of falfe fwearing, and
the nature and obligations of an oath, would be
infinitely more ferviceable to the generality of
the people, than all the fermons on myſtical
points, that were ever delivered.
ESSAY IX.
On the trade of begging.
NOTWITHSTANDING the enormous
fums collected for the poor, notwithſtanding the
number of hoſpitals fupported by voluntary con-
tribution in the city and environs of London,
there is no place where the feelings of humani-
ty receive ſo many fhocks. Every ſtreet, every
alley, prefents fome miferable object, covered
with loathfome fores, blind, mutilated, or ex-
pofed almoſt naked to the keen wintry blaft.---
Speak
THE GRUMBLER.
33
Speak of this to any of the pariſh officers, and
they will tell you thefe are all impoftors, who,
Faquir-like, practiſe voluntary aufterities on
themſelves, in order to excite compaffion, and
procure money. Sure this very plea is a dif-
grace to our police, who ought in that cafe to
apprehend and punish them. Should their dif-
treſs be real, it is the greateſt inhumanity not to
relieve them.
How frequently in winter do we ſee a woman,
with two or three half-ftarved infants hanging
about her, apparently dying with the rigours of
the ſeaſon!---If humanity will not inftigate the
pariſh officers to take cognizance of them, found
policy ought; fince thefe very children, thus
educated, ferve to carry on the fucceffion of
thieves and vagabonds.
THAT begging is a trade, and a very beneficial
one, is well known; and it is faid, that the
community is under the regular government of
a King or Superior, who appoints to every one
a particular diftrict or walk, which walks are
farmed out to inferior brethren at certain daily
fums. It it alſo reported, that beggars impofe
taſks on their children or fervants, affigning them
the harveſt of particular ſtreets, eſtimating each
at a certain produce, for the amount of which
they
34
THE GRUMBLER.
they are bound to account, under the penalty
of a fevere beating. A remarkable inftance of
this I learned from a perſon of credit, who over-
heard a beggar faying to a girl, whilft giving him
fome money. What is this for? Han't you all
about Bedford and Bloomsbury-fquares? I am
fure, huffey, if Ruffel-ftreet alone was well
begged, it would produce double this fum.
In this community, natural defects, or bodily
misfortunes are reckoned advantages and pre-
eminences. A man who has loft one leg yields
the pas to him who wants both; and he, who
has neither legs nor arms, is nearly at the head
of his profeffion, very extraordinary deficiences.
excepted;---an inftance of which was given in
a failor, who had but one eye, one leg, and no
arms. This man, afking in marriage the daugh-
ter of a celebrated blind man, was anfwered by
her father---that he thanked him for the honour
intended, which he ſhould have accepted, had
not his daughter received fome overtures from a
man who crawled with his hinder parts in a por-
ridge-pot.
IT feems a fixed principle in beggars, never to
do a day's work on any account, and rather to
run away from a job half completed, than finiſh
it to receive the ftipulated hire.
I remem-
THE GRUMBLER.
35
<<
I remember an old Juftice, that lived in a
village in the vicinity of London, who, from
his knowledge of this principle, long contrived
to have his fore-court and garden weeded gratis
by itinerant beggars. As he had a handſome
houſe near the road, it naturally drew the atten-
tion of the mumping fraternity. On their ap-
plication for charity, he conftantly aſked them
the uſual queftion, Why don't you work?”
To which the ufual reply was always made,
"So I would, God bless your Worfhip, if I
could get employment." On this, mufing a
while, as if inclined by charity, he would fet
them to weed his court or garden, furniſhing
them with a hoe and wheelbarrow, and promi-
fing them a fhilling when their job was com-
pleted. To work then they would go, with
much feeming gratitude and alacrity. The
Juſtice ſtayed by them, or vifited them from
time to time till they had performed two-thirds
of their taſk; he then retired to a private cor-
ner or place of efpial, in order to prevent their
ftealing his tools, and there waited for what con-
ſtantly happened the moment he diſappeared,
which was the elopement of his workman, who
rather than complete the unfiniſhed third of his
work, chofe to give up what he had done.
This
35
THE GRUMBLER.
This method, with fcarce one difappoint-
ment, the old Juftice long practifed, till at
length his fame having gone forth among the
mendicant tribe, he was troubled with no more
applications for charity.
ESSAY X.
On the common errors in the education of children.
IN this commercial country, how much more
advantageous would it be to cultivate the ftudy
of arithmetic, geometry, and geography, which,
at the fame time as they are the fine qua non of
an intelligent merchant, habituate the mind to
a cloſe method of reafoning, and will be found
continually uſeful in every ſphere of life. The
modern languages are indifpenfably neceffary.
FORMERLY a knowledge of the learned lan-
guages was requifite, in order to peruſe many
valuable treatifes written on arts and fciences;
but all theſe are now tranflated, and many of
them better treated in our mother tongue. But
for the common occupations of life neither
Greek
THE GRUMBLER.
37
Greek nor Latin are abfolutely required, as a
man may meaſure a yard of filk or linen, fell
gauze or ribband, or weigh out plumbs or tea,
without having read the Iliad or Odyſſey of
Homer, the Odes and Satires of Horace, or the
Georgics, Bucolics, and Æneid of Virgil; and
fhould he rife to be a Common Council-man,
or an Alderman, he may make a good ſpeech
at the Veſtry or Common-hall, without ever
having read Tully's Orations in the original
tongue.
THE learned languages are indeed generally
deemed indiſpenſably neceffary for the profeſſions
of Law, Phyfic, and Surgery; but I believe, on
mature inveſtigation, this opinion will be found
partly erroneous. For an Engliſh common
lawyer, Greek is abfolutely out of the queftion;
and fince the pleadings have been in Engliſh,
every fpecies of form and precedent may be
found in Engliſh. A clergyman and a civil
lawyer cannot do without them. With refpect
to the healing arts, good fenfe, obfervation,
much practice, with a knowledge of the human
frame and qualities and effects of medicines,
will enable a man to cure a diforder, although
he never read or even heard of either Galen or
Hippocrates. Indeed, it is believed by many,
D
that
38
THE GRUMBLER.
that a total rejection of Latin, and writing the
preſcriptions in plain Engliſh, would fave the
lives of many patients, that now fall fecret vic-
tims to the ignorance of apothecaries' appren-
tices, who, by miſunderſtanding an abbreviation,
or miſconſtruing a fentence, may miſtake not
only the quantity, but the fpecies of the compo-
nent drugs; and if this does not happen very
frequently, it is not owing to the diſcretion of
the phyſicians, who most of them affect a very
illegible fcrawl. Surely, confidering the exor-
bitant fees they receive, they might not only
write better, but alſo give the words at length,
at leaſt as many of them as know the termina-
tions. With reſpect to a furgeon, if he is an
adept in anatomy, has a good eye, and fteady
hand he may fet a bone, or perform an opera-
tion, without ever having learned his Propria que
maribus.
I would not be underſtood to decry the ftudy
of Greek and Latin as ornamental accompliſh-
ments, but object to the common mode of its
being taught indifcriminately to all, without re-
gard to their future plan of life.
THERE cannot be a more miſtaken notion than
that of confidering the knowledge of languages
as learning and ſcience, to which they are really
nothing
THE GRUMBLER.
39
nothing more than vehicles. One might, with
equal propriety, call a phial or pill-box medi-
cine. Neverthelefs, we daily fee pedants, brift-
led all over with Greek and Latin, who do not
know a right angle from an acute one, or the
polar circle from the tropics, and underſtand no
other hiſtory but that of the intrigues between
the eight parts of ſpeech, with a liſt of their pro-
geny, lawfully begotten and baſe born. Yet
thefe men look down with contempt on the
mathematician, philofopher, and chymift, who
can expreſs themſelves in their native language
only.
WHAT has led me into this fubject is, the con-
fideration of the many years of his moſt preci-
ous time thrown away by almoſt every young
man, in ſtudying the learned languages, of which
the greater part are fcarcely ever flogged into
the rudiments; and few acquire more in the
eight or nine years commonly waſted on it than
they completely forget in lefs than two.
D 2
ESSAY
40
THE GRUMBLER.
ESSAY XI.
Sketch of fome worn-out characters of the laſt age.
ONE of our celebrated writers has obferved,
that there is nothing fo indifferent to us, that
we can ſay without a difagreeable fenfation,
we have feen the laft of it." To the truth of
this remark, every man who has lived long in
the world can give his teftimony. I am my-
felf a man of little more than fifty years of age,
and yet I have nearly out-lived divers fpecies of
men and animals, as well as a variety of cuf-
toms, faſhions, and opinions; and I can truly
fay, that although fome of them were not the
moft agreeable, I cannot help recollecting them
with a degree of complacency cloſely bordering
on regret.
WHEN I was a young man there exifted in the
families of moft unmarried men or widowers of
the
THE GRUMBLER.
41
the rank of gentlemen, reſidents in the country,
a certain antiquated female, either maiden or
widow, commonly an aunt or coufin. Her dreſs
I have now before me: it confifted of a ſtiff-
ftarched cap and hood, a little hoop, a rich filk
damaſk gown with large flowers. She leant on
an ivory-headed crutch cane, and was followed
by a fat phthyficky dog of the pug kind, who
commonly repofed on a cuſhion, and enjoyed the
privilege of fnarling at the fervants, and occa-
fionally biting their heels with impunity.
By the fide of this good old lady gingled a
bunch of keys, fecuring, in different clofets and
corner-cupboards, all forts of cordial waters,
cherry and rafberry brandy, waſhes for the com-
plexion, Daffy's Elixir, a rich feed cake, a num-
ber of pots of currant jelly and raſberry jam,
with a range of gallipots and phials, containing
falves, electuaries, julaps, and purges, for the
ufe of the poor neighbours. The daily bufi-
nefs of this good lady was to fcold the maids,
collect eggs, feed the turkies, and affift at all
lyings-in that happened within the parish. Alas!
this being is no more feen, and the race is, like
that of her pug dog and the black rat, totally
extinct.
D 3
ANOTHER
í
42
THE GRUMBLER.
ANOTHER character, now worn out and gone,
was the country 'Squire; I mean the little inde-
pendent gentleman of three hundred pounds
per annum, who commonly appeared in a plain
drab or pluſh coat, large filver buttons, a jockey
cap, and rarely without boots. His travels ne-
ver exceeded the diſtance of the county town,
and that only at affize and feffion time, or to at-
tend an election. Once a week he commonly
dined at the next market town, with the Attor-
nies and Juſtices. This man went to church
regularly, read the Weekly Journal, fettled the
parochial difputes between the parish officers at
the veftry, and afterwards adjourned to the
neighbouring ale-houfe, where he ufually got
drunk for the good of his country. He never
played at cards but at Chriſtmas, when a family
pack was produced from the mantle-piece. He
was commonly followed by a couple of grey-
hounds and a pointer, and announced his arrival
at a neighbour's houſe by ſmacking his whip, or
giving the view-halloo. His drink was gene-
rally ale, except on Chriſtmas, the fifth of No-
vember, or ſome other gala days, when he would
make a bowl of ftrong brandy punch, garniſhed
with a toaſt and nutmeg. A journey to London
was, by one of theſe men, reckoned as great an
under-
THE GRUMBLER.
43
undertaking, as is at prefent a voyage to the
Eaft Indies, and undertaken with fcarce lefs pre-
caution and preparation.
THE manſion of one of thefe 'Squires was of
plaifter ftriped with timber, not unaptly called
callimanco work, or of red brick, large cafe-
mented bow windows, a porch with feats in it,
and over it a ſtudy; the eaves of the houſe well
inhabited by ſwallows, and the court fet round
with holly-hocks. Near the gate a horſe-block
for the conveniency of mounting.
THE hall was furniſhed with flitches of bacon,
and the mantle-piece with guns and fiſhing-rods
of different dimenfions, accompanied by the
broad fword, partizan, and dagger, borne by his
ancestor in the civil wars. The vacant ſpaces
were occupied by ftag's horns. Againſt the wall
was poſted King Charles's Golden Rules, Vin-
cent Wing's Almanack, and a portrait of the
Duke of Marlborough; in his window lay Ba-
ker's Chronicle, Fox's Book of Martyrs, Glanvil
on Apparitions, Quincey's Difpenfatory, the
Complete Juftice, and a Book of Farriery.
In the corner, by the fire fide, ſtood a large
wooden two-armed chair with a cufhion; and
within the chimney corner were a couple of feats.
Here, at Chriſtmas, he entertained his tenants
affembled
44
THE GRUMBLER.
affembled round a glowing fire made of the roots
of trees, and other great logs, and told and heard
the traditionary tales of the village refpecting
ghofts and witches, till fear made them afraid to
In the mean time the jorum of ale was
move.
in continual circulation.
THE best parlour, which was never opened
but on particular occafions, was furniſhed with
Turk-worked chairs, and hung round with por-
traits of his anceſtors; the men in the character
of fhepherds, with their crooks, dreffed in full
fuits and huge full-bottomed perukes; others in
complete armour or buff coats, playing on the
baſe viol or lute. The females likewife as fhep-
herdeffes, with the lamb and crook, all habited in
high heads and flowing robes.
ALAS! thefe men and thefe houſes are no
more. The luxury of the times has obliged them
to quit the country, and become the humble de-
pendants on great men, to folicit a place or com-
miffion to live in London, to rack their tenants,
and draw their rents before due. The venerable
manfion in the mean time is fuffered to tumble
down, or is partly upheld as a farm-houſe; till,
after a few years, the eftate is conveyed to the
fteward of the neighbouring Lord, or elſe to
fome Nabob, Contractor, or Limb of the Law.
ESSAY
THE GRUMBLER.
45
ESSAY XII.
Complaint of a wife at her huſband's rage for antiquities.
THERE is certainly fome fatisfaction in re-
lating one's grievances, although without a
chance of procuring any alleviation. Permit me,
therefore, to trouble you with a recital of mine,
which, from as happy a woman as any within
the found of Bow-bell, have made me extreme-
ly uncomfortable.
I am, Mr. Grumbler, the wife of a wealthy
citizen, who, having made up his plumb, re-
tired from buſineſs, with a refolution to ſpend
the remainder of his days like a gentleman. For
this purpoſe he took a handſome houſe in Bed-
ford-fquare, and, gradually dropping his mer-
cantile acquaintance, cultivated an intimacy with
Maſters of Chancery and Counſellors, and was
actually known and bowed to by one of the
Welch Judges.
As
46
THE GRUMBLER.
As my huſband was of a convivial turn, he
ſubſcribed to moſt of the great hoſpitals, and
was complimented by many of them with a Go-
vernor's ſtaff. To this I had no great objec-
tion; it introduced him into refpectable com-
pany, and, except an extra fit or two of the gout,
occafioned by their veniſon feaſts, it was attended
with few or no ill confequences. But mark the
fequel.
ONE unlucky day, after dinner, my huſband
accidentally pulling out a handful of pocket-
pieces, keep-fakes, and other trumpery, there
happened to be among them a Pope Joan's fix-
pence, and fome other old popiſh pieces, coined
before Julius Cæfar, that had been given him
by an old aunt; they were noticed by a grave-
looking doctor-like man, who fat near him,
and who extolled them to the fkies, as great
curiofities, and begged leave to exhibit them
to the Society of Antic-queer-ones; to which my
huſband accompanied him, and had the honour
of being introduced to feveral Lords, Biſhops,
and other great people, as the learned poffeffor
of thoſe valuable pieces of antiquity. It may
eafily be conceived that my huſband did not want
much entreaty to become a member of fo re-
fpectable a Society; he was therefore, in an
evil
THE GRUMBLER.
47
evil hour, propofed, and in due time balloted
for and elected.
WHAT the religion of this Society may be 1
cannot take upon me to determine. From the
number of Biſhops and other Clergy that belong
to it, one would be apt to think they are Pro-
teftants; though from the multitude of croffes,
legends of faints, repreſentations of nuns, and
friars, and other fuperftitious articles that form
the ſubjects of their enquiries, they have greatly
the appearance of Papiſhes.
WHATEVER may be their tenets, the altera-
tion in the behaviour of my huſband, fhortly af-
ter his introduction into this fraternity, is hardly
to be conceived; it has fo totally changed all
his purſuits and amuſements, that I have more
than once thought his underſtanding ſomewhat
deranged. Formerly he uſed to make a vifit
to the watering places every fummer, where
he attended the rooms, and affociated with the
company; or in his morning rides on the South
Downs, from Brighthelmftone, would alight
from the chariot, and divert himſelf with look-
ing for wheat-ears, gathering muſhrooms, or
fome other fuch rational purfuit. Now he
minds nothing but hunting for large bumps of
earth, or ragged ſtones fet up an end; for theſe
he
48
THE GRUMBLER.
he has ftrange names, which I have almoſt for-
get: I think he calls the Tumbuluffes, and
Cram-licks, and fays they were Pagan churches
and burial places, and talks of digging them up.
Surely no good can come of diſturbing the bones
of Chriftians; for, Mr. Grumbler, though they
be Pagans, they are nevertheleſs Chriftians like
you or me. He alſo takes tours to vifit ruinous
caftles and abbeys, vaults and church-yards, and
has a cloſet full of broken glafs, and brafs plates,
purchaſed of country fextons, by them ſtolen
from the windows and grave-ftones of their re-
fpective churches.
BEFORE this unhappy period, when he receiv-
ed his dividends at the Bank, or India-houſe, he
would bring me home fome little piece of plate.
or ornamental china, for my mantle-piece or
beaufet. Alas! thofe times are no more; all
the plate and china are removed, and in their
room the fhelves ftuffed full of broken pans,
brazen lamps, copper chizzels, bell metal,
milk-pots, and a parcel of outlandish halfpence,
eat up with canker. For one of thefe pieces,
as green as a leek, I am told he actually gave a
guinea. This piece, I underſtand, owes this
amazing price to its being an eunuch.
Folks
muft
THE GRUMBLER.
49
muft love thofe kind of cattle better than I do,
to give fo much for their effigies.
BESIDES laying out his money on theſe abſurd
nick-nacks, my huſband is continually fubfcrib-
ing to and purchaſing a number of ftrange books,
whoſe names are followed by the letters F. A. S.
What theſe letters mean I know not, but fear
no good. T'other day he brought home a huge
book, as big as a table, full of prints of tombs,
coffins, men in armour, and ladies in winding-
fheets; and another almoft as large, which he
told me was the Domesday Book. Alas! I
fear thefe gloomy fubjects will give the poor
man a melancholy turn, that may end in
fuicide.
In fhort, if his mind does not take a ſpeedy
turn, to more agreeable objects, we muſt part,
as I cannot think of living like an undertaker's
wife, furrounded by every thing that can remind
one of mortality.
E
ESSAY
50
THE GRUMBLER.
:
ESSAY XIII.
Of the academies for young gentlemen and ladies,
A PROPER attention to the education of
children is in general deemed one of the moſt
important confiderations of life, yet in prac-
tice there is not one lefs attended to. A coun-
try 'Squire, before he puts out a puppy to a
dog-breaker, carefully enquires into the man's
abilities and qualification for his buſineſs; but
the fame 'Squire will entruſt the care and in-
ftruction of his fon or daughter to perfons of
whom he knows nothing at all, and that with-
out the precaution of enquiring their moral
characters, or capability of executing their un-
dertaking.
FORMERLY fuch enquiry was lefs neceffary
than at prefent, as no one could keep a fchool
without a licence from the bishop of the dio-
cefe,
THE GRUMBLER.
51
cefe, who, it must be prefumed, would not
grant one without a previous fcrutiny into the
moral character and literary abilities of the
candidate for fuch licence. This regulation
was made to prevent the growth of Popery
and fanaticifm; but as neither is at prefent
feared, and religion being pretty much out of
faſhion, the law, though ftill in force, is grown
into diſuſe.
To look at the number of academies in al-
moſt every ſtreet, and to read the advertiſe-
ments of them in our daily papers, one would
be apt to think that the children of the pre-
fent generation bid fair to have moft excellent
educations; but, on examining into the qualifi-
cations of the mafters, and (as they are now
politely called) the governeffes of thefe femi-
naries, it will be found, that nine-tenths of
them have ſcarcely one requifite for their pro-
feffion.
To begin with the academies for young gen-
tlemen---The mafter, who is perhaps a broken
exciſeman, rarely profeffes more than to teach
writing and arithmetic, though not to be idle,
he hears the leffer boys repeat Lilly's grammar
rules by heart. French is taught by a Swifs,
or an Iriſh Papiſt, a deferter from the Brigades;
E 2
and
=
32
THE GRUMBLER.
and the learned languages by an ungraduated
Welch curate. Dancing is taught by a Ger-
man valet-de-chambre, and mufic by a quondam
fidler to a puppet-ſhow.
THEIR bodily food is not more exquifite than
that prepared for their minds: and many of
thefe grammar-caftles are held in an edifice of
two rooms on a floor, and have an extenfive
play-ground for the children to exerciſe them-
felves in, meaſuring about fifteen feet by
twenty.
THE qualifications of a governeſs of young
ladies are ftill lower; that department being
generally filled by diſcarded Abigails, who can
fcarcely read Engliſh, and jabber a few Eng-
lifh phrafes literally tranflated into French. If,
befides this, they can flourish muflin, or per-
form two or three ornamental and uſeleſs fpe-
cies of needle-work, they confider themſelves
as fully competent. An affiftant, called Made-
moifelle, is a neceffary poſt of the eſtabliſhment.
Thefe ladies have commonly acquired their
learning as half boarders in fome great fchool,
and, like Chaucer's Nun, fpeak the French of
Stratford near to Bow, being equally ignorant
with her of the French of Paris.
AN
THE GRUMBLER.
53
AN itinerant dancing-mafter and a deputy
organiſt teach the young ladies dancing and
mufic; indeed the chief ftudy of the go-
verneſs is directed to thefe qualifications, par-
ticularly the former; and "Miſs hold up your
head, and fit like a lady," is an admonition
fhe mechanically repeats every ten minutes.
It is, therefore, not to be wondered at, that
little or no uſeful needle-work is taught here,
as that is apt to give young ladies a habit of
poking out their heads.
SUCH are, in general, the inftructors of the
rifing generation; what can be expected from
fuch an education?
ESSAY
E 3
54
THE GRUMBLER.
ESSAY XIV.
Sketch of a modern connoiffeur,
"D.
AS the prefent various exhibitions of paintings
occafion the term Connoiffeur to be frequently
repeated, I fhall, in this effay, endeavour to
fhew the neceffary qualifications entitling any
one to that denomination.
FORMERLY it was requifite that the perfon fo
deſcribed ſhould be deeply initiated in the circle
of fine arts; for example, that he ſhould be
completely read in the works of Vitruvius,
Palladio, and all the famous architects; that he
fhould be well verfed in Geometry and Mecha-
nics, underſtand Perfpective, both linear and
aerial, and not unacquainted with the principles.
of Anatomy. It was alfo neceffary, that he was
maſter of the theory of picturefque beauty, com-
pofition and defign, and by a diligent ſtudy of
the
THE GRUMBLER.
55
the best productions of the antique and moſt
celebrated maſters in Sculpture and Painting, to
have made himſelf acquainted with their differ-
ent ſtyles, excellencies and defects. Such were
the acquifitions required formerly to entitle a
man to the appellation of Connoiffeur. How un-
like to thefe are the modern qualifications for the
fame denomination!
THE firft requifite, nay, I may fay the fine
qua non, for forming a modern Connoiffeur, is
money; it being held impoffible that a man of
ſmall or no fortune can underſtand any thing of
the fine arts, or at leaſt can demonftrate his pro-
ficiency in them, by purchafing, at great prices,
the almoſt invifible pictures of the ancient
mafters.
THE next requifite, almoft indifpenfably ne-
ceffary, is to have made the grand tour, and to
have vifited the city of Rome. The fineft pieces
of art, confidered and ſtudied out of that coun-
try, on any other fpot whatfoever, convey no
kind of inſtruction, the principles of conoif-
feurſhip being there inhaled with the air.
SOME little ſtudy is indeed neceffary to put
theſe acquifitions in a confpicuous light; but
this is a mere matter of memory---I mean names
and terms, fuch as Michael Angelo, Raphael,
the
56
THE CRUMBLER.
the Carraches, Guido, Corregio, Titian, and
Pau! Veroneſe---the colouring of the Venetian
ſchool---clairo obfcuro---keeping contour, grand
gufto, with a few others, eafily acquired. To
apply them with fome degree of propriety, a
few days ſpent in the company of the Cicceroni
and picture-dealers of Rome will give a general
and fufficient information. If, to thefe acquifi-
tions the modern Connoiffeur fhould add a jour-
ney through the Netherlands, he may increaſe
the catalogue of painters, with the names of
Reubens, Vandyck, Teniers, Oftade, Berghem,
Rembrandt, &c. &c. which, with a fortnight's
ftudy of Du Piles and Florent le Compte, will
make him pafs in all companies for a confum-
mate virtuofo.
ONE thing I had like to have omitted, which
is of great efficacy in eſtabliſhing the character
of a profound judge in the arts ;---this is, the
candidate for that diftinction muft on all occa-
fiors remember to decry the works of Engliſh
artifts, particularly thoſe who have never tra-
velled; it being abfolutely neceffary, in order
to paint the portrait of an Engliſhman, an Eng-
liſh woman, an Engliſh horſe, or to reprefent
an Engliſh landſcape, that the artiſt ſhould have
ftudied
THE GRUMBLER.
57
ftudied the men, women, animals, and views
of Italy.
THE honorary title of an amateur or collector
of prints, which is a connoiffeur of an inferior
order, likewife requires money as the firft qua-
lification. The means of being admitted to this
honourable clafs, is to purchafe at enormous
prices, not the beft pieces, but the fcarceft of
each maſter. Thus, the heedlefs Gold-weigher,
the Horfe with the White Tail, and Lazarus
without a Cap, are all etchings by Rembrandt,
abſolutely neceffary to be found in the collection
of one defirous of being diftinguiſhed as an
Amateur and capital collector.
A collector of Hogarth's muft give a greater
price for an impreffion of the head of a tankard
or ſhop-bill, engraved by that artift when an ap-
prentice, than for his March to Finchley, Strol-
lers in a Barn, Election dinner, or any of his beſt
pieces. The great point of view in a collector
is to poffefs that not poffeffed by any other.
is faid of a collector lately deceaſed, that he uſed
to purchaſe ſcarce prints, at enormous prices, in
order to deſtroy them, and thereby render the
remaining impreffions more fcarce and valuable.
It
ESSAY
58
THE GRUMBLER,
-དེ《ཨྠ》༢ཁཾ
Do
ESSAY XV.
On the diftreffes fuftained from mifplaced and over-
ftrained civility.
POLITENESS and hofpitality, though in
themſelves moſt amiable virtues, require a con-
fiderable portion of good fenfe and knowledge
of the world, to govern the exerciſe of them,
otherwiſe, even attended with the greateſt fin-
cerity, they frequently diftrefs the parties on
whom they are employed, more than the moſt
virulent attacks of malevolence; and what
makes theſe fufferings the more intolerable is,
that ſhould the fufferers complain, they are lia-
ble to be taxed, by fuperficial reafoners, with
ingratitude. The truth of this affertion I moſt
diftreſsfully experienced in a late excurſion to
draw fome ancient ruins, in which my time was
limited to three days. Unluckily fome friends
who
THE GRUMBLER.
59
who knew my errand, prevailed on me to take
letters of recommendation to different gentle-
men, refiding near the fubjects of my invef-
tigation.
THE first object of my enquiry was a ruined
Abbey, which belonged to a gentleman who
refided near it, and to whom I had a letter. As
I was informed he was a man of tafte, and a
lover of the arts, I therefore promifed myfelf
great pleaſure from his company, and contrived
to reach his houfe the evening of my fetting
out, This I accompliſhed with much fatigue,
intending to rife early the next morning to make
the propofed drawing. On my arrival, I found
him at tea with his family, in a chearful par-
lour enlivened by a good fire, which, it being
autumn, and the day rather cool, was far from
difagreeable. On producing my letter, I was
received with the greateſt cordiality, and the tea-
table ordered to be removed to the beſt parlour.
This, as the carpet and chairs were to be unco-
vered, the filver urn heated, and the fire light-
ed, took up a confiderable time, which was far-
ther prolonged by the fimoking of the chimney;
fo that it was impoffible to endure the room for
near an hour after it was ready. When the
fioke had fubfided, and the room was reported
habitable,
60
THE GRUMBLER.
habitable, another delay took place, occafioned
by the abſence of the lady and her eldeſt daugh-
ter, they having flipt away, to make themſelves
(as they expreffed it) fit to be ſeen. All theſe
matters combined in throwing back the fupper
'till half an hour after ten o'clock. It was in
vain for me to declare I never ate fuppers, that
the lighteſt meal prevented my fleeping the
whole night; a moſt ſumptuous fupper was
provided, and by dint of importunity I was
forced to load my ftomach with a variety of
meats. This, with a cold caught by the damp-
neſs of the parlour, or that of the beſt bed, with
which I was honoured, prevented me from
clofing my eyes all the night. Indeed we did
not retire to bed till half an hour after two. The
fervants ſeized my boots, and on my remonftrat-
ing against it, and mentioning my going out
early in the morning, the lady of the houſe de-
clared, fhe could not think of fuffering me to
go
into the air with an empty ftomach, but that
fhe would take care breakfaſt ſhould be ready
by ten o'clock.
I was up and dreffed long before the appoint-
ed hour; but as the fervants had not been in
bed the greatest part of the night, my boots
were not for a long time forthcoming. At half
an
THE GRUMBLER.
6г
¡
an hour after ten, my landlord made his appear-
ance, and apologized to me for his lady, who
had overſlept herſelf, but would be down in ten
minutes. Unluckily, the lady was of that age
that ſtill (as ſhe thought) juſtified a pretence to
admiration. Dreffing was therefore a buſineſs,
not to be flightly hurried over; and that fa-
vourite counſellor, the glafs, was ſo often and
fo minutely confulted, that the clock announced
the eleventh hour before Madam made her ap-
pearance. The arrangement of the family plate,
the difplay of the beft china, and a variety of
other matters, made it near one before we aroſe
from breakfaft. -
I was now making the beſt of my way to my
horſe, when the gentleman and his lady in-
formed me, they intended to accompany me to
the ruin. By half an hour after one we were
fairly under way, but as it was not above a
mile or two to the fpot the gentleman took us
round about the grounds, to fhew me fome im-
provements he had lately made, and a pretty
Chineſe fummer-houſe planned by his lady.
This took us up near an hour more; but in
fome meaſure to remedy the lofs of time, they
undertook to lead me by a fhort bridle-way
through the fields, to the centre of the ruin;
F
but
62
THE GRUMBLER.
but here we were again difappointed; for, after
paffing through feveral gates, the laſt we came
to was locked. We in vain attempted to pick
the lock, or force it open; and as none of us
would venture to leap it, we were obliged to
go back by the way we came. At length, how-
ever, by three o'clock we were actually on the
deſired ſpot. I, who had previouſly to my ſetting
out made myſelf acquainted with the ichno-
graphy of the building, and pitched on the beſt
point of view to draw it in, was proceeding to
sketch it; but the gentleman, who valued him-
felf on his tafte, infifted on my going to two or
three other ftations, in order to ſee all the beau-
ties of the ruin. Theſe he fo minutely confi-
dered and difcuffed, that it was half an hour paſt
three before I was permitted to return to the
place I had firſt chofen.
THE object was the moft picturefque that ever
employed the pencil of an artiſt; the light was
happily circumstanced, and I had already ſketch-
ed in three parts of the view, when my friend
came up with his watch in his hand, to tell me.
we ſhould with difficulty be home by dinner-
time, and that if we did not make hafte, the
venifon would be over-roafted. I made uſe of
a thoufand arguments and entreaties to induce
him
THE GRUMBLER.
63
him to permit me to remain and finiſh my draw-
ing; but he was inexorable, and beſides told me,
he had invited a neighbouring connoiffeur to
meet me, knowing it would give me pleaſure,
and that I might come back and complete my
fketch after dinner.
WE got back to a profufe dinner, which I
will not defcribe, and did not leave the table
till it was much too late to think of returning to
the ruin; befides, the lady infifted on my making
one at a rubber of whift, which lafted till mid-
night, and it was near two of the clock before
we retired to reſt.
THUS two days were confumed without my
having done a ſtroke in the buſineſs for which
I came, and all occafioned by an ill-judged po-
liteffe and miſplaced civility.
ESSAY
F 3
64
THE GRUMBLER.
>..
ESSAY XVI.
On the inconveniences and mortifications to which perfons,
too delicate and dainty in their food, are liable.
AMONG the many difagreeable confequences
arifing from an improper education, there is
hardly one that renders a man more uncomfort-
able to himſelf, and troubleſome to fociety, than
that of being over dainty in his food, or over
nice in the other articles of accommodation.---
Only fons of great families, eſpecially if edu-
cated under the mother's eye, and fickly chil-
dren raiſed by art, rarely eſcape thefe misfor-
tunes. In many perfons it is affected, under
the idea of fhewing their fenfibility or import-
ance. But of theſe I do not at preſent mean to
treat.
ON the firft appearance of theſe propenfities.
to over-delicacy, it is the indifpenfable duty of
all parents and guardians to oppofe and coun-
teract them with all poffible vigour; the future
happi-
THE GRUMBLER.
65
happineſs of their child or ward in a great mea-
fure depending on it. A youth fhould be taught
to eat all forts of whole fome food varioufly
cooked; to overcome all whims, vulgarly called
antipathies; to fuffer the common inconveni-
ences of heat and cold without murmuring;
and, though I do not require that he ſhould be
obliged to thrust his nofe into a ſtink, I would
have him learn to encounter one without
fainting.
In a late excurfion into Wales, in company
with a gentleman labouring under the misfor-
tune of what is called a delicate tafte, I had an
opportunity, and a very diſagreeable one it was,
of experiencing the many inconveniences to
which one vifited with fuch a taſte is ſubjected,
and alfo fubjects the reft of the company.
THIS gentleman appears, from his ftrength,
health, and fize, calculated to perform the moft
athletic exerciſes, and formed to endure every
fpecies of hardship, and though by no means
wanting in either good fenfe or good nature,
has, by the improper indulgence of a mother
and maiden aunt, acquired fo many diflikes, an-
tipathies, and refinements, that he feems in dan-
ger of ftarving in the larder of the London
Tavern. But to give my reader fome idea of
F 3
his
66
THE GRUMBLER.
his character, I will relate the tranfactions of
a morning during the above-mentioned excur-
fion.
ON our arrival at the inn of a fmall Welch
town, we were received by the harper, with
that celebrated Cambrian air called "Of a noble
race was Shenkin." This was meant to do us
honour. A harper makes an indiſpenſable part
of the eſtabliſhment of a Welch houfe of enter-
tainment, and the tune is a favourite one
throughout the country, as was teftified by
the gefticulations of all the furrounding na-
tives, who were affembled round our carriage
in great numbers. At the
At the very firft note, my
friend, who values himſelf on his tafte in mu-
fic, ſtopping his ears, ordered our blind min-
ftrel to cease that infernal din, which jarred
his head to pieces. Taffy reluctantly obeyed,
and the audience feparated with murmurs of dif-
approbation.
ALTHOUGH it was now the month of May,
my friend ordered a fire; but as the chimney
fmoked, he fet open the doors and windows,
by which the room was rendered colder than be-
fore the introduction of the fire. Upon this
being obferved to him, he replied it was his rule
to have a fire till the middle of June.
As
THE GRUMBLER.
67
As we had travelled all that morning over
fome bleak mountains, our appetites were pretty
well whetted, and my companion enquired ear-
neftly what we could have for dinner. The
anfwer was, trouts, chickens, mutton-ham, and
eggs.---A bill of fare fufficient to fatiate the
appetite of a London Alderman!
THE whole was ordered to be got ready. The
firſt diſh preſented was the chickens; they were
tolerably well roafted, but not quite truffed fe-
cundum artem. On obferving this, my friend
ordered them off the table, faying, they looked
as if they had been drowned in a ditch, and
were ſtretching out their legs and wings, as in
the act of attempting to ſwim. To thefe fuc-
ceeded a difh of fine little brook trouts; the
landlady was interrogated when they were taken,
and on her anfwering yeſterday, they were fent
after the chickens---my companion declaring it
was another of his rules never to eat trout ex-
cept juſt taken out of the water.
The eggs
were then produced---when were theý laid?---
this day---let me look at them, the grain of the
fhell is fmooth, it fhould be rough;---the eggs
were therefore condemned. The butter next
underwent a fcrutiny---when was it churned?---
yefter-
}
68
THE GRUMBLER.
yeſterday---is it falted, or without falt ?--- it has
a ſprinkle of falt in it. This, and it not being
of that day's churning, cauſed its rejection. A
fine plate of mutton-ham was next fet on the
table, but unluckily it had been cut acrofs in-
ftead of with the grain of the meat.
My friend now began to lament our misfor-
tune in ſtopping at a houfe, where he could not
get a morfel fit to put into his mouth. He,
however, rather than ftarve, agreed to try an
egg or two, although their fhells were fmooth;
but unluckily, on calling for the falt, he found
it was of the common fort, inftead of rock falt.
He then aſked for fome bread and cheeſe, and
fkinning the loaf all round, broke the cruſt
into mammocks and fragments, with which he
ftrewed the table all over, and digging out the
centre of cheeſe, in a part before uncut, bit
a ſmall piece of it, and threw the reft down on
the ground, declaring it was not fit for Chrif-
tians. This laſt indignity to the cheeſe was too
much for our landlady to bear, who, I faw, had
for long time with difficulty reftrained her an-
ger; but unable any longer to bridle it, fhe
told him his petters had been entertained in her
houſe, and found wherewithal to make a com-
fortable
THE GRUMBLER.
69
fortable meal, that not longer ago than yeſter-
day Squire Jones and Squire Davis both dined
there, and went away well pleaſed; that if he
did not like her houſe, he might go where
he could find better fare; that he could not
bear to fee bread, the ftaff of life, fo waſted.
It was not without great difficulty I prevented
the enraged daughter of Cadwallader from turn-
ing us out of her houſe; but as I had made a
hearty meal, and commended her provifion, at
my requeſt ſhe defifted from farther hoftilities.
My companion, who, as I before obferved, was
not deficient in good fenfe, faw he had gone too
far, and in ſome meaſure made the amende ho-
norable, by praifing her ale, which ſhe ſaid was
of her own brewing; and the reconciliation was
entirely completed by his obferving, that Mifs
Winifred, one of the little dirty children run-
ning about the houſe, had a genteel appearance,
and greatly reſembled one of the young Prin-
ceffes.
The
70
ESSAY S.
The Effays that follow feem to have been intended
to form a part of the Grumbler; the Editor
therefore thinks it proper to annex them to that
work. Very few of them have been before
printed; and none in any publication that has
come out under the infpection of the Author.
ESSAY XVII.
On the ridiculous confequence affumed from fuperiority
of places of refidence.
SO prevailing is the love of fuperiority in
the human breaſt, that moſt ſtrange and ridicu-
lous claims are fet up for it, by thoſe who have
no real merit to offer. It is indeed abfurd
enough to value onefelf for bodily perfections
or mental powers, both being totally the gift.
of the Supreme Being, without the leaſt merit
on
ESSAY S.
14Ĭ
on our part. Nor is that confequence arrogated
from illuftrious birth at all juſtifiable, fince the
proof of poffeffing it cannot arife higher than
probability; all ladies are not Sufannas, nor all
fervants Jofephs: but fuppoſe it proved, a good
man does not want that addition, and to a bad
one the virtues of his anceſtors are a ſtanding
reproach. A lower kind of importance is fre-
quently affumed, from the excellence of one's
domeftic animals, fuch as a fine pack of hounds,
ftaunch pointers, or fleet horfes; when the
owner and arrogator of their merit has neither
bred, chofen, nor taught them, and has had no
other concern with them than fimply paying
the purchaſe money. How excellently does
Dr. Young, in his Univerfal Paffion, delineate
and expofe a character of this kind:
The Squire is proud to fee his courfer ftrain,
Or well-breath'd beagles ſweep along the plain :
Say, dear Hippolytus (whofe drink is ale,
Whofe erudition is a Chriſtmas-tale,
Whoſe miſtreſs is faluted with a finack,
And friend receiv'd with thumps upon the back)
When thy fleek gelding nimbly leaps the mound,
And Ringwood opens on the tainted ground,
Is that thy praife?Let Ringwood's fame alone,
Juſt Ringwood leaves each animal his own,
Nor
جمة
ESSAY S.
72
1
Nor envies when a gipfy you commit,
And fhake the clumfy bench with country wit;
When you the dulleft of dull things have faid,
And then aſk pardon, for the jeft you made.
BUT of all ridiculous pretenfions to pre-emi-
nence, that arifing from the place of one's refidence
feems the moſt fooliſh, and yet nothing is more.
common and that not limited to countries, pro-
vinces, or cities, but is regularly extended to the
different parts of the town, and even to the feve-
ral ftories of a houfe. The appellation of coun-
try booby is very ready in the mouth of every
citizen and apprentice, who feels an imaginary fu-
periority from living in the metropolis; and let
any one who has feen ladies from London, of the
middling order, in a country church, anfwer me,
whether they failed to diſplay a contemptuous
confequence founded on their coming from that
city.
LONDON is divided into the fuburbs, city, and
court, or t'other end of the town, as it is vul-
garly but commonly expreffed, and again fub-
divided into many diſtricts and degrees, each in
a regular climax, conferring ideal dignity and
precedency. The inhabitants of Kent-ftreet and
St. Giles's, are mentioned by thofe of Wapping,
Whitechapel, Mile End, and the Borough,
with
>
ESSAY S.
73
with fovereign contempt; whilft a Wappineer,
a Mile-Ender, and a Borroughnian, are pro-
verbially uſed about the Exchange to exprefs
inferior orders of beings; nor do the rich citi-
zens of Lombard-ſtreet ever lofe the oppor-
tunity of retailing the joke on a Whitechapel
fortune.
THE fame contempt is expreffed for the cits
inhabiting the environs of the Royal Exchange,
or refiding within the found of Bow Bell, St.
Bennet's Sheer Hog, Pudding-lane, and Blow-
bladder-ſtreet, by the inferior retainers of
the law in Chancery-lane, Hatton-garden, and
Bedford-row; and theſe again are confidered as
people living totally out of the polite circle by
the dwellers in Soho, and the opulent tradeſmen
fettled in Bloomsbury, Queen's, and Bedford-
fquares, in their first flight from their counting-
houſe in the city.
THE new colonies about Oxford-ſtreet ſneer
at theſe would-be people of faſhion; and are, in
their turns, defpifed by thoſe whofe happier ftars
have placed them in Pall Mall, St. James's,
Cavendish, and Portman Squares.
THUS it is, taking this kind of pre-eminence in
a general view; but to defcend to a ſmaller ſcale.
The lodger in the first floor scarcely deigns to
G®
return
74
ESSAYS.
return the bow of the occupier of the fecond in
the fame houfe; who on all occafions makes
himſelf amends by ſpeaking with the utmoſt con-
tempt of the garreteers over head, with many
fhrewd jokes on fky-parlours. The prece-
dency between the garret and the cellar, feems
evidently in favour of the former, garrets hav-
ing long been the refidence of the Literati, and
facred to the Mufes. It is not therefore won-
derful, that the inhabitants of thofe fublime
regions fhould think the renters of cellars,
independent of a pun, much below them. Be-
fides the diſtinctions of altitude, there is that of
forward and backward; I have heard a lady
who lodged in the fore-room of the fecond
ſtory, on being aſked after another who lodged
in the fame houfe, fcornfully defcribe her by
the appellation of Mrs. Thingumbob, the woman
living in the back room.
POLITE fituations not only confer dignity on
the parties actually refiding on them, but alfo,
by emanations of gentility, in ſome meaſure
enoble the vicinity: thus perfons living in any of
the back-lanes or courts, near one of the po-
lite ſquares or ſtreets, may tack them to their
addreſs, and thereby fomewhat add to their con-
fequence: I once knew this method practifed
by
ESSAYS.
75
by a perſon who lived in a court in Holborn,
who conftantly added to his direction, " Op-
pofite the Duke of Bedford's, Bloomsbury-
fquare."
To prevent diſputes reſpecting the ſuperio-
rity here mentioned, I have, with much impar-
tiality, trouble, and fevere ftudy, laid down a
fort of table of precedency, and marshalled the
ufual places of refidence in the following order,
beginning with the meaneft.----Firſt then in
order, of all thofe who occupy only parts of a
tenement, ftand the tenants of ftalls, fheds, and
cellars, from whence we take an immediate
flight to the top of the houſe, in order to arrange
in the next clafs the refidents in garrets; from
thence we gradually defcend to the fecond and
firſt floor, the dignity of each being in the in-
verſe ratio of its altitude, it being always remem-
bered, that thofe dwelling in the fore part of
the houſe take the pas of the inhabitants of the
back rooms; the ground floor, if not a ſhop
and warehouſe, ranks with the fecond ſtory.
Situations of houfes I conceive to rank in the
following order; paffages, yards, alleys, courts,
lanes, ſtreets, rows, places, and fquares.
As a comfort to thoſe who might defpond at
feeing their lot placed in an humiliating degree,
G 2
let
76
ESSAY S.
1
let them remember, that all but the firft fitua-
tions, are capable of promotion, and that the in-
habitant of a yard or court, may, without
moving, find himſelf a dweller in a ſtreet;
many inftances of this have happened within
my memory: does any one heſitate at the ap-
pellation of Fludyer, and Crown ſtreets, Weft-
minſter, and yet both theſe were, not long ago,
fimply Ax-yard, and Crown-court, and have
been lately raiſed to the dignity of ftreets, with-
out paffing through the intermediate ranks of
lanes, &c. Cranbourn-alley has experienced
the fame elevation; and any one who ſhould
chance to call it otherwife than Cranbourn-
ftreet, would rifque fomething more than abuſe
from the ladies of the needle, and fons of the
gentle craft, refident there: Tyburn-road has
been poliſhed to Oxford-ſtreet; Broad-ſtreet St.
Giles's, to Broad-ſtreet Bloomſbury; Hedge-
lane, to Whitcomb-ftreet; and. Leiceſter-fields
has been promoted to the rank of a fquare.
ESSAY
ESSAY S.
77
ESSAY XVIII.
Patriotiſm a narrow and felf-intereſted energy
of the mind.
IT is wonderful with what fervility men of
fenſe adopt received opinions without exami-
nation, for the general confent gives a kind of
fanction to them; yet it is not at all uncom-
mon, upon a ſtrict fcrutiny, to diſcover, that
we have been deceived by a plaufibility of ap-
pearances; the truth is, the fear of incurring an
imputation of arrogance or fingularity in reject-
ing what has been long received as true has and
does deter many from daring to think for them-
felves; yet it muſt be allowed this is a repre-
henfible timidity, and abuſe of the reaſoning fa-
culties beſtowed upon us.
AMONG the many ſplendid errors which will
not bear the teſt of examination, is patriotifm,
by politicians, poets, and orators, in their de-
clamations
G 3
78
ESSAYS.
clamations held up as one of the moſt exalted
virtues in the human breaft; and yet I think it
may be demonſtrated to be almoſt incompatible
with Chriſtianity or a liberal mind.
PATRIOTISM may be defined a love of one's
native or adopted country, whereby we prefer
its inhabitants and their interefts, to thoſe of all
other parts of the world.
If this preference is unjustly grounded, that
is, if the country be fteril, and the inhabitants
uncivilized or immoral, fuch preference can-
not be reconciled to common ſenſe. The Gof-
pel commands us to confider every man as our
brother; patriotifm fays our affections muſt be
confined to a particular tract of country: pa-
triotiſm is a kind of extended felfifhnefs; the
character of a ſelfiſh man is not that with which
any one would think himſelf much flattered: in-
deed if being born under a particular eleva-
tion of the Pole, gives the natives a title to
one's affection, the regard due to the reſt of
mankind will be like all other qualities emanat-
ing from a centre exactly in the ratio of the
fquares of the diſtance from the place of our
nativity, an eſtimate truly ridiculous, for the
computation of which, inſtead of confulting one's
reaſon,
ESSAY S.
79
reafon, one muſt uſe a Gunter's fcale, or a table
of logarithms.
SUPPOSE the country of our affection engaged
in an unjuſt war, does not patriotifm demand of
us our prayers for its fuccefs, and even our
affiſtance in fupport of it; is this compatible
with morality or chriſtianity?
NOTHING can be fo oppofite to the feelings
of a liberal mind, and even fo fhocking an in-
fult to the Deity, as the prayers frequently put
up in churches, fupplicating the Father of man-
kind, that he would, out of his infinite mercy,
permit and affift in the deftruction of his crea-
tures, perhaps defending themfelves againſt the
encroachments of an ambitious tyrant.
NATIONAL reflections are always confidered
as low and vulgar; are the diftinctions made
by patriotifm more liberal? let us examine
how we are apt to confider perfons peculiarly
attached to their own country in preference to
all the world, when diveſted of prejudice, and
uninfluenced by names.
ARE not the Scotch poffeffed of this national
attachment, to a proverb; is it commonly men-
tioned among their virtues, or rather, is it not
always brought in as an impeachment of their
moral characters as men? and yet this is pa-
triotiſm
80
ESSAY s.
triotiſm according to the ftricteft definition.-
Can that be a virtue in one ſet of men which is a
vice in others?
VULGAR patriotifm is an univerſal malevolence
to all one's neighbours. Does not every coun-
try fervently pray that the commodities which
they produce may fail in all other kingdoms and
ſtates? that there may, for inftance, be a ſcarci-,
ty
of corn on the Continent, or a failure of fugars
in the French iflands; and that without the leaft
confideration of the ruin and mifery to which
fuch failure will fubject their fellow creatures.
LET thoſe wiſh to merit the name of patriots,
in the only commendable ſenſe of the word,
confider the whole world as their country, and
all mankind as their countrymen.
LET them then endeavour by all means in
their power, to produce happineſs to the whole,
without geographical diftinctions, and that as
well to animals as man.
BUT it may be urged, that patriotifm is the
preferring the intereft of one's country to one's
own immediate benefit; if this is the effect of
reaſon, it is ſtill ſelfiſh, becauſe, the perſon mak-
ing fuch preference thinks he ſhall thereby, in
the end, reap more benefit by the profperity of
the fociety he belongs to, than by the immediate
gratifica-
ESSAY S.
81
gratifications of his prefent intereft: this is acting
wifely, and as a mifer or the moft unfeeling Jew
would do.
We are taught by hiftory to look back with
admiration and reverence to the example of
thoſe who have devoted themfelves to death
for the fake of their country; but instead of
being ranked in the clafs of heroes, theſe men
perhaps fhould rather be recorded as enthuſiaſtic
madmen, blinded by the vanity of making their
names immortal.
ESSAY XIX.
On the ludicrous incongruity of names given to ſhips.
in the royal navy.
IT ſeems extraordinary, that a little more
attention is not given to the naming of the
fhips of our royal navy, particularly as they are
by uſage eſteemed of the feminine gender, and
ſpoken of by the fexual diftinction she. No-
thing
82
ESSAY S.
thing can be more abfurd than to hear a failor
praifing the veffel to which he belongs, fuppofe
the Jupiter or the Cato, by ſaying, ſhe is a fine
man of war: would it not be better to give fuch
names as would not fubject them to the like
improprieties. Befides the ridiculous circum-
ftance abovementioned, there are others not lefs
ftriking; I have read in a newſpaper, that the
Queen gave the Monfieur a complete broad-
fide, who was thereupon glad to fheer off;
might not this, out of Portfimouth, be taken lite-
rally, and feem as if her gracious Majefty had
been engaged in a fcolding match with the
Dauphin, and had fent him away as the vulgar
faying is with a flea in his ear. When we hear
a failor fay, the Prince of Wales has been on
board Poll Infamous, or that the Princeſs Royal
has much injured her bottom, fhould we not
tremble for the health of the royal offspring, by
miftaking the Polipheme for the Perdita, or
fome other lady of that ftamp; and the bottom
of a ſhip for that of our King's eldeſt daughter.
A little contrivance would obviate theſe auk-
ward circumſtances: fhips ought to be named.
from the different counties, as Kent, Suffex,
Surry, or from certain properties or qualities,
as
ESSAY s.
83
as the Thunderer, the Terrible, or the Spitfire,
names (as many married men can teſtify) that
accord but too well with the feminine gender.
THERE is alſo another confideration to be
had, which is to give veffels fuch names as may
run eaſily through the mouths of common failors,
without being corrupted into low or indecent
words, or liable to ludicrous equivoques, as is
the prefent cafe refpecting feveral fhips now in
commiffion; nothing is more common than to
hear a failor fay he has been on board the Prin-
ceſs Royal; or to hear him mention the Caftor
and Pollux by a mifnomer too grofs to repeat.
The Boreas and Pegafe admit of more indeli-
cate ideas, from the denomination of Peg a-fe,
and Bore a-fe; and the Eolus is conftantly de-
graded to an Alehoufe; the Belliqueux into the
Belly Cooks; the Agamemnon to Eggs and Bacon;
and the Bienfaisant metamorphofed into the
Bonny Pheasant.
SHIPS being confidered as of the feminine
gender might not prevent their bearing the
names of many of our Admirals, who may,
without much impropriety, be fpoken of as old
omen.
BESIDES
84
ESSAYS.
BESIDES the flip floppery here inftanced, the
names of the following veffels are thus cor-
rupted: the Fougeux becomes the Fogey, Princefs
Louifa the Princefs Loufy, and the Mars affords
the feamen too obvious an allufion to the after
part of their perfons. Nor, confidering the un-
certainty of all marine operations, would I re-
commend adopting the boaſtful names of the
Victory, Dreadnought, Conqueror, Invincible,
or Inflexible; as an unfortunate day may engage
the Gazette-writer in an aukward combina-
tion of words, by being obliged to inform
the public that the Victory was beaten off, the
Invincible overpowered, the Inflexible forced
to yield, and that the Dreadnought eſcaped by
crowding all the fail fhe could carry.
ESSAY
ESSAY S.
85
ESSAY XX.
Pedantry not confined to men of letters.
THE denomination of pedant has long been
improperly confined to men of literature, al-
though in reality it is equally applicable to men
of every defcription. A pedant is one whofe
ideas are ſo totally engroffed by the object of
his peculiar ftudies, that his common difcourfe
is tinctured with its technical terms. When this
does not arife from affectation, it is by no means
reprehenfible, but ferves to fhew the parties
have attended to the ftudy of their occupations.
OWING to this kind of pedantry, the pro-
feffion or occupation of the majority of any
company may be diſcovered, every different
calling having its peculiar allufions, jokes and
witticifms. When a gentleman being aſked for
a toaft gives the Chief Juftice, his honour the
Mafter
H
86
ESSAY S.
Maſter of the Rolls, or repeats the bon mots of
Mr. Juſtice Bullhead, or Serjeant Splitcauſe,
it requires no extraordinary fagacity to diſcover
that the propofer of fuch toafts is a limb of the
law.
ON a like occafion, a perfon drinking his
Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury, or his
brother of York, the Biſhops of Durham or
Wincheſter, pretty clearly points out a candidate
for ecclefiaftical preferment.
THE health of the Chancellor, is a more
equivocal index, as he has confiderable pa-
tronage to beſtow on the profeffors of the law,
as well as thofe of the goſpel; ſo that the pro-
poſer of this toaſt may be either a candidate for
a law office, or a living; to determine which it
will be neceffary to confult the context of his
difcourfe.
WHEN a ſmart young fellow talks of the 18th,
the 36th, or 64th, without diſcriminating to what
thoſe numbers refer, now and then larding his
diſcourſe with an oath, and often emphatically
mentioning the fervice, we may boldly pronounce
him a military man.
If he cites fome late determinations refpect-
ing proofs, drinks the Mafter General, and talks
of
ESSAY S.
87
of the warren, it may be inferred that he is
a military man, clothed in blue inſtead of
fcarlet.
SAILORS are fo notorious for their profeffional
allufions that they proclaim themſelves in every
fentence. In walking the ftreet, if one of theſe
gentlemen wishes you to quicken your pace, he
will defire you to carry more fail; if to wait for
him, to lie to; and if he defires you to haften
any bufinefs you are about, he will requeſt your
to bear a hand.
WHEN a buckiſh young fellow talks of Jack
Sprat, of Queen's; Tom Jackfon, of Maudlin;
Joe Thomas, of Brazen Nofe; and Griff Jones,
of Jefus; he may be fafely fet down as an
Oxonian or a Cantab.
THE Bedford, the Garden, the Town, the
Ton, and the houſes, emphatically pronounced
by a well-dreffed man, mark the ſpeaker to be
a gentleman of gallantry and pleaſure, and pro-
bably a wit and a critic.
THE Alley, Confols, Scrip, Omnium, Tickets,
and the Reſcounters, pronounced by a man in a
cut wig, are indifputable marks of a ſtock-
jobber, or lottery-office keeper. One of theſe
recovering from an illneſs, on being interrogated
as to his health, will anfwer, he is cent. per cent.
H 2
better:
88
ESSAY S.
better: or ípeaking of the circumftances of a
friend or acquaintance, will obferve, he is above
or below par; taking up an empty bottle or
bowl, he will pronounce it a blank; and de-
fcribing a perfon in a dangerous fituation, will
declare he would not under-write him on any
confideration. If pedantry be an improper dif-
play of one's profeffional knowledge, theſe are
all furely as much entitled to the denomination
of pedants, as the fcholar who makes an often-
tatious fhew of his learning.
ESSAY XXI.
On the inattention to decorum ard cleanlineſs of people
advanced in years.
IT is a matter of frequent complaint from
men advanced in years, that they are flighted
by the younger members of ſociety, on account
of their infirmities; this I think is rather ill-
founded, and I, being of a middle age, and
there.
ESSAY S.
89
therefore an unbiaffed judge, may be confidered
as of neither party: thus qualified, I fet myſelf
to examine the truth of their complaints, and
after inveſtigation, am of opinion, that the fault
chiefly originates with the feniors, who do not
feem to diftinguish between natural and unavoid-
able infirmities, and thoſe the confequence of
neglect or indulgence, nor to recollect, that
though humanity makes it our duty to over-
look and bear with the one, no fuch toleration
is required for the other. It would be inhuman
to defpife a man for a fcald head, or ſcorbutic
face; but it would be both juſt and proper to
reproach him for an unwiped nofe, or dirty
teeth..
As I have been minute in my obfervations
on this fubject, I have generally obferved, that
maſters of families, even in the upper ranks of
middling life, have, after attaining the term of
fixty years, affumed a fort of licentious eman-
cipation from moft of the rules of good manners,
and thoſe particularly which ought to be ob-
ferved at table.
To evince the truth of my affertion, I fhall
lay before my readers the circumſtances that
occurred in a vifit I made to a friend, who lives
H 5
with:
90
ESSAY s.
with his father, formerly an eminent merchant,.
but now retired from bufinefs.
ON my arrival at the houſe rather late, I
was uſhered immediately into the eating-room,
where the table was ſpread, and was feated` next
the old gentleman, who received me with many
fhakes by the hand, and one or two eructations
in the face; it being a principle with him, that
air fhould never be impriföned in the human
body; or to uſe his own words, wind was better
in the wide world than in his fmall tenement.
obferved
COMPLIMENTS being over, the difcourfe
turned on the weather, which Mr.
gave every body coughs and colds: indeed he
fhewed he had not efcaped the common com-
plaint, by repeatedly hawking and ſpitting thick
phlegm against the bars of the grate, whence
after frying for fome time, it hung down in
feſtoons of no very grateful appearance.
DINNER was now fet on the table: the old:
gentleman helped the foup about, taking occa-
fionally a ſup or two out of the foup ladle.
THE boullie being much recommended, I
requested fome of it, and was helped by my old
friend with the fork he had made uſe of not
only in eating, but alfo in picking out a frag
ment:
ESSAY S.
ment of the meat from between two decayed
teeth.
A quarter of lamb was the next object on
which he difplayed his want of delicacy, for after
feparating the fhoulder from the ribs, he dipped
his fingers, well befmeared with Scotch fnuff,
into the faltfeller, and taking up a large pinch
of falt, fprinkled both with the mixture well
rubbed between his thumb and fingers; the
fnuff thus rubbed off, he afterwards waſhed
away by fqueezing a Seville orange over the
meat through his clenched hand.
AFTER chewing his meat for fome time, he
obferved it was unwholefome to make a horſe's
meal; that is, to eat without drinking; and
therefore ſeizing a large black jack that ſerved
as a magazine for the ſmall beer, he without
emptying his mouth, took a draft, and then
applied himſelf to mafticate what remained in
his mouth..
No fooner was dinner over, than the old
gentleman, addreffing himſelf to me, faid, Sir,
I prefume you have no objection to the fmell.
of tobacco, and immediately ordered his pipe.
A little pan was then fet upon the floor,
which ferved to fpit in, but my hoft, either
through infirmity or inattention, feldom cor-
trived
92
ESSAY S..
trived to hit the mark, fo that his faliva ge-
nerally went upon the carpet, unless it was
intercepted by my fhoes, or the petticoats of a
female relation of his, who fat next to us:
whether the tobacco acted as a carminative, or
that the food which he had taken into his fto-
mach, forced the wind downwards, the eruc-
tions with which I was faluted on my entrance
were now changed into exploſions by another
paffage; till by the combined powers of this
narcotic herb, and the liquor which he greedily
fwallowed, my friend was fixed in his arm chair:
for the evening.
อ
"De
ESSAY XXII.
On flip-flopping, or the mif-application of words..
THE English, like most other of the mo
dern languages, abounds in terms commonly
fuppofed fynonymous; in which nevertheleſs the
critical are fenfible of diftinctions, more or leſs
minute.
ESSAY S.
93
minute. An ignorance of ſuch nice difcrimi-
nations is pardonable in thofe who, from their
fituation, profeffion, or rank in life, could not
be expected to have had the advantage of a
claffical education: but there is a groffer mif-
application of words, which, from a character
humourouſly delineated by Fielding, in one of
the moſt popular of his novels, has been called
flip-flopping. Theſe miſtakes never fail to ex-
cite laughter;; but what often renders them the
more ludicrous is, that a true word is fpoken in
a fenſe not intended by the ſpeaker.
THESE flip-flops are frequently of the rank
he has drawn his lady; that is, gentry at ſecond
hand, who pick up words thrown out by their
fuperiors, and blunder in the application of
them. Not long ago, I heard one of thefe
ladies, who without the leaft reafon was not a
little vain of her perfon, declare, that he was
extremely frightful, meaning only to convey an
idea of the extreme delicacy of her nerves.
Another, though no wife happy in either men-
tal or corporeal endowments, always gives her.
diffent to any propofal, by declaring that ſhe is
not agreeable.
RIGHT, for obligation, is a common miſtake.
I ha'n't no right to pay that money, is among
the
94
ESSAYS.
the vulgar, a general anſwer to a demand, which
the ſpeaker deems unjuft. He had no right to
be hanged, faid one of another whom he
imagined not to have been legally convicted.
SUCCESSFULLY is another word ufed fre-
quently for fucceffively; thus I remember to have
heard a landlord of an inn, defcanting on the
hardſhip of quartering foldiers, declare, that in
the very town, in which we then were, half a
dozen landlords of the neighbouring inn had all
been fuccefsfully ruined.
INGENIOUS is often fubftituted for ingenuous:
come, be ingenious, and tell the truth, is an
exhortation frequently uſed by juftices clerks,
to culprit poachers, fufpected of the wilful mur-
der of divers hares and partridges. The fame
gentlemen are ſometimes very ſtrenuous for le-
velling the penalties.
CONSORT is fometimes miſtaken for concert ;-
and judging of things as they ought to be,
rather than as they are, this error is extremely
natural. The meaning of theſe two words
fhould not be fo oppofite as they often are; but
the fact is, that thofe whom deftiny has joined.
do not always unite their mutual endeavours in
harmony together..
EVEN
ESSAY S.
95
EVEN the church fervice itſelf is not exempt
from this kind of flip-floppery. Almoft every
pariſh clerk is a lion, inſtead of an alien, among
his mother's children; one I remember who
went to a length ſtill more extravagant: in that
verfe in the chapter of Revelations defcribing
the New Jerufalem, wherein it is faid, the doors
were of agate, and the windows carbuncles---
the honeft fellow read, the doors were of a Gate,
and the windows crab's ancles;
1
EPIS-
EPIS T L E*
TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE LORD ON---W.
MY LORD,
YOUR friend, in fad condition,
Implores your kind interpofition,
To ward off an impending evil,
The corps is going to the Devil;
The
* This was written in confequence of a regulation that was
either made, or in contemplation, by the Colonel of the Surry re-
giment, for the whole battalion to be accoutred like the light infantry,
with
VERSE S.
97
The mess-room rings with daily racket,
About a curfed cap and jacket:
A fpirit vile of fufileering,
Amounting nigh to mutineering,
Sways an uncouth majority,
And makes a cypher, Sir, of me.
Your Lordship knows full well, that I,
(Thanks to your favour) do enjoy
The honour'd poſt of adjutant,
Paymaster, captain-commandant.
The laft, I fear, oh, fad vexation!
Muft fuffer cruel amputation;
For fome there are, in impious fpite
Of all that's rational and right,
Who fet up the unjust pretence,
That rank ſhould conquer influence.
To what a paſs are matters come,
Good heavens! then muft I fhew my b-m:
How will the gaping rabble ftare,
At military pet-en l'air!
Without his joke not one will pafs,
My huge rotundity of a-e:
What food for each farcaftic fnubber,
This load of adventitious blubber;
with caps and jackets. It need ſcarcely be mentioned, that the noble-
man, to whom this humourous epiftle was addreffed is the Lieutenant
of that county. The cut prefixed to the epillle is from a caricature
of the author, ſketched by himſelf.
I
Which,
98
VERSES.
Not less confpicuous, let me tell ye,
Will be my far-projecting belly;
Which, thanks to good fir-loin and port,
Looks like the baftion of a fort:
Beſides, this pretty joke will fill
A gape-feed fare on Ludgate-hill;
Where clafs'd with Aldermanic paunches,
A new edition of my haunches,
Will in confpicuous place be poſted,
And by the gaping cocknies roaſted;
But worst of all, when at the mess,
With pond'rous breech the bench I preſs,
They'll fay (to one it s a million)
I'm like a butt upon ftillion;
When by my wit, a wight is ftung,
He'll fay I'm frothing at the bung:
A curfe await this foul decree,
Which gives fuch room for repartee,
And blaſts my juſt monopoly.
E'er in this jack-a-dandy plight,
I boaſted an exclufive right,
To ftrew the bitter flowers of fancy
Coeval with my adjutancy.
Think not, however, Sir, that I,
For felf alone, make all this cry,
Full many figures lean and tall,
Againſt this innovation bawl;
}
Who dread they'll be by mobs diffected,
And look like greyhounds when erected:
Few
VERSE S.
99
Few figures boaft the grace to steer,
The mean 'twixt dwarf and grenadier.
Set not this matter, Sir, at nought,
But let your all-creative thought,
In horrid contraft paint together,
A Bantam cock cut out of feather,
While capon thigh, and fpindle thanks,
Stalks like an oftrich thro' the ranks,
The clothes ev'n now, I'll anfwer for't,
For decency are much too fhort;
Yet ſpite of all my threats and pray'rs,
They tempt the amputating fhears;
A ftag may urge as fair pretence,
To lop his fcut's exuberance.
Stand forth, my Lord, and interpofe,
And we ſhall cruſh an hoſt of foes;
Hurl bold defiance at each elf,
As if you did it from yourself.
Convince each cap-mad, mad-cap wight,
How fure is our coercive might:
But if you ſhould in evil hour,
Neglect this delegated power,
Which by theſe prefents now I give you,
I fwear I'll never more relieve you
From that incumbrance, volition,
And then heav'n help your lorn condition.
I'll not be any longer-that is-
Your Lordship's cuftos voluntatis ;
In fhort, my Lord, I will refign,
Before a man of parts like mine,
I 2
Shall
100
VERSE S.
Shall ignominiouſly fuffer,
The taunts of each ill-natur'd fcoffer,
But I can't doubt your aid you'll grant,
Your Grofs
And faithful
Adjutant.
Verfes on the Winchester Theatre being over the
Shambles, Spoken by Mr. Davis, between the
play of Falfe Delicacy and the farce of the
Jovial Beggars.
WHOE'ER our ftage examines, with furprize.
Perceives what inconfiftencies arife,
'Tis fure the ſtrangeft of the Mufes rambles,
From wit to beef, from Skakeſpear to the ſhambles;
Quick the tranſition, when the curtain drops,
From foft Moninia's moans to mutton chops.
How hard our lot, who feldom doom'd to eat,
Caft a fheep's eye on this forbidden treat;
Gaze on fir loins, which, ah! we cannot carve,
And in the midſt of legs of mutton ſtarve.
Divided only by one flight of stairs,
A monarch ſwaggers, and a butcher ſwears.
While
1
VERSE S.
IOI
While for her abfent Romeo, Juliet cries,
Old women fcold, and dealers damn their eyes:
Cleavers and ſcymitars, give blow for blow,
And heroes bleed above, and ſheep below:
Suet and fighs, blank verſe, and blood abound,
And form a tragi-comedy around.
With weeping lovers, dying calves complain,
And feem to fay, Chaos is come again.
Hither your ſteelyards butchers bring, to weigh
The pound of fleſh Antonio's bond muſt pay :
Hither your knives, ye butchers clad in blue,
Bring, to be whetted by the ruthlefs Jew.
"Tis ſtrange, but humbly fill our troop fuppofes,
That at our ſtage you'll not turn up your noſes.
And we true jovial beggars, fondly wiſh,
That no falſe delicacy will cry pifh.
>
Published in Salisbury Journal.
IN James's reign a Jeffreys roſe,
Our throats to cut, and hides to curry s
King Bute has got to crush his foes,
Juft fuch another tool in Murray.
PRO-
1 3
102
VERSE S.
PROLOGUE,
Suppoſed to be Spoken by a native of Ireland.
LADIES, your favor I again implore,
Grant it me now, I never aſk'd before,
To ſpeak an Epilogue, behold me here
Againſt my will turn'd out a volunteer ;.
[A great laugh.
Arrah, be aſy, do not ſpoil my ſpaking,
What's that you laugh at, is it game you're making?
I'm wrong, 'twas Prologue that I ſhould have faid,
Fait I'm a novice in this fpouting trade;
So've made a bull of that fame term of art,
And fairly fet the horſe before the cart :
This flip has put me out, I'll try again,
"Tis pity we Iriſh are fuch bashful men.
Ladies,
This night's the awful day, when all our band,
For judgment 'fore your tribunal will ſtand.
We are no hirelings, no, we play for fame,
Profit, not praiſe, it is our only aim.
I'm out again; I'm bother'd ſo by fear,
I wish I could inviſible appear:
For fait this audience, met to ſee our play,
Has made me quite forget what I'm to ſay.
So I no more will ſpeak at all at all,
Save, Ladies, I'm your humble fervant all;
Upon your candour all our hopes I ftake,
Trufting the deed you for th' intent will take.
Lines
VERSE S.
103
Lines addreffed to Mrs. H-----, an antiquated
Demirep.
PATIENCE, I pray you, to my words attend,
They ſpeak the counfel of a real friend;
Tho' odious truths they ufher to your ear,
Such as you frequently must learn to hear;
Painful to vanity they may be found,
But furgeon like, they probe to heal the wound.
Long time ere this, your glafs muft needs have told
How clumfy you are grown, as well as old:
Why all that filk and gauze, ribbands and lace?
They will not fmooth one wrinkle in your face:
Your day is paſt, my words pray ponder well,
Favours you now muft buy instead of fell:
What Curtius of theſe days, unhir'd, will brave
The hideous yawnings of the hoary cave?
Or who unpaid, will venture to abide
The fumes exhaling from your greaſy hide';
Or meet within your ſweaty cloſe embrace
The poiſon of your lungs, breath'd face to face?
Thoſe flabby d-gs that over-hang your ſtays,
'Stead of defire, difguft and loathing raiſe;
Ready they ſeem over their bounds to ſtart,
Like fluid foil ſwaſhing in nightman's cart.
Then leave defires that none will e'er ſupply,
And to the bottle's aid for comfort fly;
Affume your bawd's degree, and dare defy
Carts, juftices, mill doll, and pillory.
Poetical
=
104
VERSE S.
Poetical Epistle to Mrs. Green.
HOPING no offence, my dear Madam Green,
You're furely the ftrangeft gentlewoman that ever was
ſeen ;
Didn't you ſay you'd come and fee my drawings, and
eat fome of my plumb cake,
Here I've kept it above a week, and all for your fake,
And now it's as hard as a ſtone, and not worth a pin,
To waſte ſo fine a cake is I'm ſure both a ſhame and a fin.
Beſides, I've ftaid at home waiting for you morning after
morning,
But I fha'n't do ſo again, and of that I now give you
warning.
Indeed I confider this matter in a very ferious light,
And you yourſelf can't ſay, it was at all behaving right:
So if you don't come very foon, by way of amends,
I can affure you, you and I will not be much longer
friends:
But when you come, don't bring any of your brats,
For I hate little children as much as you do cats.
So hoping that of engagements in future you'll be more
obfervant,
I am, Madam, your moft obedient humble fervant..
DIA.
DIALOGUE.
105
DIALOGUE,
Between a traveller from London, and a waiter at a
Scotch inn.
WHAT, hip, halloo! houfe, drawer, waiter!
isn't nobody alive in this here houfe? Zounds
how you all moves like fo many poftifis !-----
Here, hoftler, carry my horfe into the ſtables.
Waiter. What's your wull, Sir?
Cockney. What's my wool? zounds! do you
take me for a wool-feller, a fheep, or a negro?
I have no wool, Sir.
W. I did not mean any thing but to afk
what was your will.
C. What's my will! why what's that to you?
I am not going to die; befides, you won't find
a legacy there I can affure you.
W. Sir!
C. What the devil are you dunny; won't
you give me no anfwer; let me ax you, don't
you
106
DIALOGUE.
you recollect me, as how I was fqueeged and
ſcrouged into your little back room laſt ſeaſon ?
I hopes as how I fhall be better accommodated
this here time: come, zounds, where's break-
faft? you knows I ordered my breakfaſt always
to be on table by nine.
I. Juft fo, Sir; but I am a little dull; but,
Sir, I don't mind you nor your order.
C. Don't you, you rafcal! Lord, Lord,
what impudence! for a waiter to come for to
go for to fay to a gentleman to his face, as how
he don't mind him, nor his order.
W. Pardon me, Sir, I only faid I did not
recollect you: but, Sir, maſter will take care
you fhall have a bigger room.
C. Pray what is become of that fat Gemman
that lives fomewhere hereabouts, Mr. Thing-
ammy, what's his name, the lawyer?
W. Oh! I think they call him Tod,
C. I don't enquire by what nick-name he is
called, I wants to know his real name.
I. How caa ye him again?
C. I have not called him any thing yet.
IV. I believe he will be an Irishman.
C. I don't know what he may change to, at
prefent he is an Engliſhman.
W. Will
DIALOGUE.
ICT
An
IV. Will I get breakfaſt, Sir.
C. I don't know whether you will or not; I
am no prophet; but I defire you would----
pray what's o'clock ?
W. It will be half ten.
C. Do you mean to fay it is but five? for
if I don't miſreckon that's half ten.
W. No, Sir, I meant to fay it was half an
hour from ten.
C. Which do you mean, half an hour after
nine, or half an hour paft ten? both are half
an hour from ten.
?
W. I only meant to fay, it will be half an
hour after nine.
C. Will be! I axed you what it was at this
prefent hour, not what would it be.----How
far is it to Dumfries?
W. It will be twenty miles.
G. Damn your will be's; how far is it now,
and what fort of a road?
W. The road is pretty good; but on ac-
count of the late rains fome of the waters are
very big.
C. If they are very big, I hope they will
be ſafely delivered in due time; but in the mean
while, can they be fafely forded?
IV. I'll
108
DIALOGUE.
W. I'll enquire whether the waters will
ride.
C. I have nothing to do with the horſeman-
fhip of the water----can I fafely ride over the
water?
W. Juft fo.
C. What is become of Mifs E---; you know
her, don't you?
W. Yes, Sir; fhe is a very difcreet young
lady, though a little giddy and thoughtless: fhe is
married upon the Laird of Loch Cale, a coufin
german of her own; but they don't live very
happy, for when he is the worfe of drink, he
maltreats her very ill, and frequently beats her,
and drags her by the hair of her head.
C. Ha! ha!-----had he been content to ſeize
hairs lefs in fight, or any hairs but theſe!
W. Poor lady! fhe is this time waited on ;
he ought to think fhame of himſelf for fuch
treatment.
C. What do you mean by waited on, does
fhe receive company in form?
W. No, no, the Lord preferve me, I mean
ſhe lies now at the point of death.
C. Where is her huſband ?
W. I don't know, there is a charge of horn-
ing
DIALOGUE.
109
ing and caption out againſt him, he has ruined
himſelf by cation.
C. So, fo! this I take it is a Scotch action
for crim. con.----but bring breakfaſt.
W. Do you take tea or coffee, Sir?
C. Take! I takes phyfick ſometimes when I
a'nt well; falts and manna, or jalap; but I always
eats and drinks for breakfaſt, coffee, tea, and
buttered toſtiſis.----Have you any fruit here?
W. None at preſent but peers, and they fell
for pence a-piece.
C. How many pence each?
W. Pence, Sir! why that's one penny.
C. Damn this ignorant fellow, he does not
know nothing of his grammar; he puts the
fingular for the plural---no, no, I means the
plural for the fingular.
W. Would you pleafe to have a few cale,
Sir? they are very good.
C. Stay a moment----I will firft fetch a little
walk.
Enter Engliſh Servant.
W. What have you made of your maſter? the
breakfaft will be cold.
E. Ser. Made of him, why faith neither a
haggis nor a pie---but here he comes.
K
Enter
110
DIALOGUE.
Enter Cockney.
C. I have altered my mind about walking;
waiter, where's the landlord, go and call him.
W. I won't get him now.
C. You won't get him now! you are furely
the moſt impudenteft fellow living, what do you
mean by that, why won't you?
་-』
W. Sir, I only mean I fhall not find him; he
is gone to the field to his workmen.
C. Hey.
W. Juft fo; to try to win his hay.
C. Try to win it! So gambling goes on here
too: with whom is he playing, and at what
game?
W. O, here's my maſter; Sir, pleaſe to ſpeak
to the gentleman.
C. How d'ye do, landlord; I thinks you
looks much betterer than when I laſt ſaw'd
you,
L. Yes, Sir, I am much better indeed; I
have wanted the gout theſe three months; be-
fides, I have cut out my hairs.
C. Nay, in God's name, if you want the
gout, I wish you may have it, but as to the
cutting out your hair that muft have been a
terrible operation, who preſcribed that?
L. Nobody,
DIALOGUE.
III
7
L. Nobody, I cut it to wear a wig.
C. Pray how is your minifter, he's a fine
honeft fellow.
L. That he is; but we have loft him; he
was lately tranſported.
C. I hope not to Botany Bay; pray what
was his offence?
L. None at all; by tranfported we mean in
Scotland, removed to another parish; he has
lately had a great mortification.
C. Which do you mean of body or mind?
bark is an excellent remedy for the firſt, and
patience for the other.
L. Sir----I mean that an old gentleman has
mortified, or left in perpetuity a confiderable
fum of money for the augmentation of the falary
of the church to which he is minifter.
C. I am heartily glad of it; well, waiter,
take away the breakfaſt things.
L. Come here Wolley, and draw the table.
C. Draw the table! for what? I only wanted
it to be cleared-----Well, as I faid, I'll go
fetch a walk, where's my hat?
and
W. I canno find it; I have been fearching
both but and ben.
C. Don't tell me of bat and ben, ax all the
other fellows about the houſe; here, halloo !
K 2
has
112
DIALOGUE.
has not nobody feen never a hat hanging on
never a peg?
L. If it had been hanging, I am fure no one
here would have lifted it.
W. I canno find it.
C. I believe you have not troubled yourſelf
to look for it, but I'll learn you better man-
ners.
L. I am forry I cannot ſtay to affift in the
fearch; I am very throng; and befides muft
go to a roup two miles off, where there is fome
victual to be fold,
C. What, do they fell victuals by auction?
I ſuppoſe it is the ſtock of fome broken publi-
can or butcher; and fo you feeds your gueſts
with fecond-hand provifions.
L. No, no; it is corn; oats, Sir; we call
oats victual, here,
[The waiter in removing the tea things throws
fome of them down.]
C. So, there's multiplication going on.
L. You careless gillygawpus, you break more
lime ware than your head's worth; but Ife gar
you pay for them. When the man calls with
pigs, I'll buy as many as you have broken and
deduct them out of your wages.
W. What
DIALOGUE.
113
C. What the devil, do your pig drivers fell
crockery?
L. No, earthen ware is called lime ware, and
pigs in Scotland.
W. I don't regard what mafter fays in his
paffion, he is a very ftingy, but a very ge-
nerous man.
C. Stingy and generous! how do you make
that out?:
W. Very well; furely a man may be peevish
and yet very generous.
C. So, then, ftingy means peevish or touchy!
W. It does: but I am told this is not pecu-
liar to the North.
The dialogue ends in this abrupt manner, and
appears as if the author intended fome further
continuation. The defign of it, however, only being
to give a droll ſpecimen of the Scotch idiom, and of
the miſunderſtanding to which it gives rife in thoſe,
who are not acquainted with it, the dialogue can
bardly be confidered as unfinished.
DIA-
K S
114
DIALOGUE.
DIALOGUE.
Between an Engliſhman and a Scotchman,
1
A. How d'ye do, Sandy.
B. Troth, I've gotten a fair head.
A. I'm forry for it; that's a naufeous and
troubleſome diſorder.
B. Sir!-------
A. Why I fay a fore head, that is, I ſuppoſe,
you mean a fcald one, is a very troubleſome diſ-
order.
B. Hoot man, I only mean that I was a little
the worſe of drink laſt night, and fo have a
pain in my head this morning.
A. Worfe of drink! I don't rightly under-
ftand you; did you drink any unwholefome
liquor.
B. No, No, I was only a little fu.
A. I ſhould never have gueffed at that, a man
may be worſe of liquor in many other ways; for
example,
DIALOGUE.
115
example, a man who furfeits himſelf by drink-
ing cold water when he is hot, may truly be
faid to be the worfe of liquor.
B. Faith that's true; but without joking, I
fear I ſhall fever----I was roving in the night.
A. Whither did you go?
B. No where; by roving I mean, I was
what I believe you call light-headed or deli
rious.
A. Pray who was with you?
B. Three or four friends, one that you know,
an Iriſhman, Paddy Murphy: there was like-
wife Sandy McGregor, the dull piper.
A. Dull piper muſt be a ſtrange contradic-
tion! pipers are generally merry fellows.
B. By dull, I only mean hard of hearing.
A. Was you merry?
B. Yes, at first, but as the liquor prevailed
Murphy became ill to guide; I am fure he
ought to think fhame of himſelf. If I mind
right he faid, he felt a bad smell, and fwore it
was Sandy M'Gregor or his dog that made
it. All thoſe who were prefent quarrelled him
for his behaviour: how foon this was faid,
Paddy lifted a muchkin tin, that was full of
whiſkey, and threw it at the narrator, who
feed
116
DIALO G U E.
feed it coming, and dipping his head timeously,
juft evited it. The company were difficulted
how to act anent this matter, feverals faid he
ought to be incarcerated for it, and not li-
berated in hafte; fome deburfed their reckon-
ing and left the company. Paddy Murphy
all this time curfing and fwearing in a fearful
manner, threatening Rob Wolles that he would
break his impenetrable head, and let out the
brains from his, empty fcull. None were exeem-
ed from his abufe; but all the company gave
it in favour of M'Gregor, who had, notwith-
ſtanding of this abuſe, been extremely dif-
creet.
This day Paddy was fummoned before the
juſtice where he pled drunkenneſs. The juftice
having deliberate long adviſed him to make it
up and fo difmiffed him. I am fure if I had it
in my offer I will never fall in Paddy's company
again.
MIS-
MISCELLANIES.
117
MISCELLANIES.
Chronicles of Coxheath camp.
This is one of the Author's fatirical effufions on the late
General Keppel, who commanded at Coxheath.
IN the.... year of the reign of G ..
the third, king of England, there were great
troubles in that kingdom, the people of Ame-
rica revolted, and the great king, even Lewis.
the king of France, threatened to come over
the feas, and to fet his armies in array againſt the
people of England, and to lay wafte their cities.
2. WHEREFORE there was a great grief and
terror went forth all over the land, and the el-
ders held a council, and thought meet to call
forth the young men of the nation, each armed
with his fword and with his bow,
3. AND the young men left their farms and
their looms, and their different occupations,
and
118
MISCELLANIES.
and ranged themſelves under the command of
their lords, their landlords, and their mafters,
who were captains of thouſands, of hundreds,
and of fifties.
4. AND the king fet over them as a leader
of the whole hoft, a mighty man of war, named
Cabello, or White Belly; and he ruled this hoſt
with a rod of iron; and they were encamped on
the plains of Cox-heath, on the fouth ſide of the
river Medway, even as thou comeft from Maid-
ftone.
5. Now Cabello was prone to anger, de-
preffing his inferiors to the duft; but to the great
he bowed his head, like the bulrush to the
weſtern blaſt. He moreover abominated the--
inferior order of officers called fubalterns, and
neither communed with them, nor fuffered them
to eat meat at his table..
6. Now it came to pafs, that the weather waxed
cold, fo that fires were directed to be kindled.
to warm thoſe foldiers who watched; but the
wood for kindling the fame was delivered out
with a ſparing hand, fo that what was delivered
out for four days would fcarce fuffice for one;
and it was moreover diminiſhed by the evil-
doings of the minifters ftyled contractors, yet
nevertheleſs it was faid in the written orders of
the
MISCELLANIES.
119
the day, ye fhall not burn hedges, nor ſhall ye
root up pales or other fences.
7. BUT behold one night, when there was no
fuel, the watch of the left wing communed to-
gether, faying, "Lo, we perifh with cold, were
it not better that we put forth our hands and
take fuch wood as we can find, this, peradven-
ture may not be difcovered by White Belly, who
fleepeth with his harlot."
8. AND lo they went forth, and took divers
wooden utenfils, with which they lighted fires,
and warmed themſelves. Now, thefe were the
men who tranfgreffed the commands of White
Belly. The men of Berkſhire, dwelling on the
banks of the river Thames, weft of the great
city of London, theſe burned a poſt which they
pulled up from the ground. Hop poles were
taken and confumed by the Yorkshire men,
whofe garments were faced with green; thefe
men were cunning in all things appertaining
unto- horfes.
9. THE 65th regulated band did likewife take
and burn hop poles; of theſe men White Belly
had formerly complained to their chief cap-
tain.
10. THAT troop or company ſtyled by way of
honour the Queen's Royals, on whofe ftandard
is
£20
MISCELLANIE S.
is depicted a lamb, as an emblem of their prif-
tine innocence, thefe alfo burned a gate, the
poſt whereof had been demoliſhed by the men
of Berkſhire.
II. Now when it was told unto White Belly
the things that had been done, his countenance
changed, and he grew exceeding wroth, and
thus expreffed his lamentations.
A
12. TWENTY weeks long have I been plagued
with this ftiff-necked generation, who have dif
regarded my words, and flighted the fayings of
my mouth; woe unto them, for they fhall be
impriſoned and beaten with many ſtripes, and
their leaders fhall be publicly reproved in the
orders daily delivered by Mall Bee, my fcribe.
13. Lo I am fatigued, even unto death, by your
mifdeeds, O ye adjutants and fubalterns; even
by the miſdeeds and neglects of the old bands
as well as by thofe of the new; nor have ye
regarded my commandments of the firſt day of
the eighth month; wherefore I fay, ye fhall all
be anfwerable, even every one of you that
mounteth the quarter-guard; but as for the
right wing, in the article of fires, they have not
at this time offended.
14. LET the majors go into the rear of the
encampment, even to the tents of the whore of
Babylon,
MISCELLANIE S.
121
Babylon, and there let them fearch out the un-
clean and diforderly harlots; let them alfo num-
ber the women and children dwelling in the
huts.
HAVING uttered theſe words, exhauſted by
his paffion, he belched, yawned, fnored, and fell
into a profound ſleep, Mutton Head proclaim-
ing glory, praife, and honour be to thee, O
White Belly.
D G (2-D
THE BLUNDERS OF BARMING-HEATH,
Another piece of ridicule on the generalfhip of the officers
who commanded in Cox-heath camp.
PREVIOUS to this great event, it was
whiſpered through the camp, that ſome grand
manœuvre would be exhibited in a few days;
but of what kind was a perfect fecret. The
brigade majors gave diftant hints that fome-
thing capital was on the tapis, and the aids-du-
camp, with importance in their looks, fkimmed
I
about
122
MISCELLANIES.
about like ſwallows before a ftorm; the major-
generals reconnoitred, and the general himſelf
was often on horfeback, feemingly abforbed in
thought, and big with fome weighty purpoſe.
THE mighty fecret was at length divulged,
which was no leſs than a defign of caufing the
firſt and third brigades, with a fquadron of dra-
goons, in the whole forming a body of near
three thouſand men, to ftrike their tents, to load
them on their bat-horfes, and to march to
Barming-heath, diftant at leaft fix miles from
Cox-heath; there to encamp again for a few
hours, then to ſtrike, load, and return to their
former ground. If fome finall miſtakes attended
the execution of this arduous undertaking, let
it be confidered that generals are but men.----
But to proceed to my ftory.
ON the 23d of September, at the uſual time,
a brigade order was iffued, directing the firſt
and third brigades to ftrike their tents at half
after five, to load them on their bat-horſes,
and to march to Barming-heath. If the gene-
ral forgot that the foldiers had no bread, it is
at leaſt a proof he was not one of thoſe who are
ever thinking about eating: befides, confider-
ing the many matters of confequence with which
his head was occupied, fo trifling a matter as the
foldiers
MISCELLANIES.
123
foldiers dinners might eaſily flip his memory;
nay, perhaps it was done on purpoſe to teach
the militia the method of living without victuals,
as on real fervice it is well known foldiers are
fometimes obliged to faft. A lefs degree of indul-
gence, in proportion as a beaft is inferior to a man,
will fuffice to excufe him for forgetting it was
likewife forage day; and indeed it would have
had the appearance of partiality to have let
the horſes eat whilft their mafters fafted: the
major-general, who perhaps did not enter into
this train of reafoning, after frequent meffages
to and from the contractors, procured each fol-
dier half a loaf, which even the proverb allows
is better than no bread; as for the horſes they
were referred to another day.
Ar half an hour after eight at night, came.
out an after cet, directing un to -kamitti
two brigades to hold themſelves in readineſs to
ſtrike and march; this coming laft, and being
befides a general order, was by many fuppofed
to fuperfede the brigade order; feveral regi-
ments, therefore, waited for the order to ftrike;
however this did not occafion a delay of more
than an hour; and what fignifies an hour in a
fummer's day? fuch trifling overfights muft be:
excuſed in perfons of great genius.
L 2.
I will
124
MISCELLANIES.
I will not mention the feveral arrangements
reſpecting picquets, advanced and rear-guards,
which were made and contradicted by vari-
ous after-orders; except to obferve, that as in
weighty matters one cannot be too circumfpect,
fo the frequent alterations are proofs of wisdom:
a fool is always obftinate and immoveable.
HERE a new difpofition refpecting guards was
fhewn to the militia. The quarter guards which
had ferved for the advanced guard of each regi-
ment, were, on their arrival on the ground,
drawn up three deep, but afterwards formed into
a rank entire.
It is not material to obferve, that the troops
who marched off in two columns at the fame
time, did not arrive together on the ground,
ing perhaps to the firft brigade having the
longeft way and the worff road; this was, how-
ever, productive of no ill confquence, and when
the firſt brigade arrived, the whole was ordered
to diſperſe and pitch on the beating of the af-
fembly.
..
NOTHING Could be better calculated for uſing
troops to rough ground, the buſhes here being
in many places as high as a man's head, with
ſharp ftubs and ftumps; if this tore and deſtroy-
ed the men's fhoes and gaiters, it is to be re-
membered,
MISCELLANIES.
125
membered, that the British pay is the beſt
in the world; confequently, an Engliſh foldier
can afford to replace them; and befides, this
found them a ufe for that fuperfluous money
which might otherwife have been expended in
drunkennefs..
+1
Ir being thus experimentally proved, that
the brigades could both ftrike and pitch their
tents; after remaining a few hours, the tents
were again ftruck and loaded, and the regiments
returned to their former encampment, with very
little lofs, though in fome confufion..
MUCH praife, it muſt be allowed, is due to
our general, in the care he took to fecure our
retreat; each regiment was followed by its own
rear-guard, and in the rear of each column was
a captain's guard, whofe rear was again covered
by the advanced picquets.
וי
Now, to recapitulate the whole, every thing
was planned and executed with all poffible ac-
curacy, except that the march was at firſt a
little delayed; the men and horfes had nearly
been without food; the columns did not arrive
at the fame time in going, and in returning had
like to have interfered; every thing elſe very
happily fucceeded in the manner that might be
expected from fo judicious an arrangement.
L.3.
COX-
126
MISCELLANIES.
СОХ-НЕАТН
Advertiſement.
THE learned German profeffor Myn Heer
Harman Sigifmond Bungarfius's aftringent anti-
cacative pills, now become neceffary for the
gen-
tlemen of the army and militia, who may have
occafion to mount quarter and other guards.
Theſe pills taken according to the printed dis
rections, will enfure the taker from any back-
ward calls of nature, during the period of his
guard, whether it be for twelve or twenty-four
hours: they are farther uſeful in ftrengthening.
the retentive faculties againſt fudden frights or
other laxative caufes; by the help of thefe pills,
a noble general heard undifmayed the thunder
of the Moro, although on board a fhip not above
five miles out of the reach of the guns of that
tremendous caftle; a circumftance it muſt be
univerfally allowed that could only be aſcribed to
their extraordinary virtue. Much more might
be
MISCELLANIES.
127
:
be ſaid of theſe falutary and wonder-working
pills, and many other inftances, certificates, and
affidavits, might be produced; but the proprietor
fcorns to puff. Thefe pills, at no more than two
guineas per box, are fold by Mr. Whitebelly,
at the fign of the Cock's-tooth and Head-ach,
în Toleration-ſtreet, Maidſtone. To prevent
impofition fee that the box is figned Mutton
Head.
N. B. This quib was circulated about the
camp on Coxheath, on an officer of the Berkshire
militia being put in arreft by General Keppel, for
leaving the quarter-guard to go to a certain place.
of conveniency.
Specimen of modern oratory.
AS a mighty river fwelled by mountain tor-
rents, over-running its banks, tramples under
foot every intervening obftacle, and fired by
oppofition gathers new wings from every im-
pediment; fo oratory, applied to our paffions,
faſcinates
F28
MISCELLANIES.
fafcinates our faculties, captivates our capacities,
and impels our judgments.
COOL, logical deductions may perfuade the
philofopher, who weighs each fentence in the
microſcopic eye of reaſon, and analyſes each idea
by the difpaffionate ſquare of ratiocination; but
to charm the liſtening fenate, and to lead
that many-headed monſter, the multitude,
requires the mufical flowers of a Burke, or
the high-coloured and dazzling thunder of a
Chatham.
Specimen of modern criticism.
THE author, in an ironical commentary on
a filly, vulgar ballad, ridicules ſome of our grave
commentators, who rake the rubbiſh of antiquity
for beauties, imperceptible to every other eye;
and torture the fenfe to diſcover meanings that
never were intended by the writer. It may be
confidered as a parody on Addiſon's plea-
fant criticiſin upon the old ballad of Chevy
Chace.
THE
MISCELLANIES.
120
THE Carrion crow fat upon an oak, (1)
And ſpied a taylor cutting out a cloak;
With a heigh ho! the carrion crow!
Sing tol de rol, de riddle row!
THE Carrion crow he began for to rave,
And call'd the taylor a loufy knave; (2)
With a heigh ho! &c.
OH wife, fetch me my arrow and my bow, (3)
That I may ſhoot this carrion crow:
With a heigh ho! &c.
THE taylor he ſhot, and he mifs'd his mark, (4)
And fhot the old fow through the heart;
With a heigh ho! &c.
OH wife, fetch me fome treacle in a ſpoon,
For the old fow is in a terrible fwoon; (5)
With a heigh ho! &c.
THE old fow died, and the bells they did toll,
And the little pigs pray'd for the old fow's
foul; (6)
J
With a heigh ho! &c.
Zooks! quoth the taylor, I care not a loufe, (7)
For we ſhall have black puddings, chitterlings
and foufe;
With a heigh ho! &c.
THIS
130
MISCELLANIES.
THIS fong, however it may wear the ruftic
garb of fimplicity, and teem with the images
of common life, carries with it evident marks of
the touches of a mafter, who must have been
endowed with much claffical and medical know-
ledge, as well as fkilled in natural hiſtory, and
the popular opinions and manners of our fore-
fathers.
(1) THE Carrion crow was, in ancient times,
always confidered as an arborous bird: beſides
other claffics, Virgil more than once mentions.
him as fuch, particularly in one or two eclogues,
where, as in this little poem, he is defcribed
fitting on an oak.
(2) SOME learned commentators have this.
elucidation:
Ir is not to be conceived that the crow ac-
tually uttered thefe words; they are rather
affumed with the licentia poetica, which muft
not be unfparingly allowed to every original
writer; though it is certain, that all birds of
the crow kind are perfectly capable of imitat-
ing the human voice. It may be fuppofed
fufficient that the taylor imagined that he heard
them expreffed by the crow.. Our author was.
perhaps
MISCELLANIES.
131
1
perhaps defirous of giving fome reaſon for the
action of his hero.
(3) THE taylor calling for his bow proves
beyond a diſpute the antiquity of this little
poem; and that it was written before the in-
troduction of fire-arms.
(4) THIS fhews an admirable attention to
the truth and propriety of character; for the oc-
cupation of a taylor being fedentary and unwar-
like, he cannot be expected to be a good tox-
opholite therefore, nothing could be more
likely than his miffing the mark, and fhoot-
ing fo wide of it as to hit the fow lying upon
the ground, rather than the crow, which was
perched upon a tree.
(5) TREACLE does not always mean that
fyrup which ſchool-boys are fo fond of eating
with new rolls; but a mixture fo denominated
in the Materia Medica; whence we may gather
that our author was no Tyro in the healing art.
(6) ANOTHER proof of the early date of the
poem is afforded by this ſtanza. The circum-
ſtance of the pigs praying for their mother's foul
fhews clearly that it was written before the Re-
formation.
(7) THE introduction of the louſe into the
taylor's
132
MISCELLANIES.
taylor's apoftrophe, either uttered as a foliloquy,
or as an addrefs to his wife, is an allufion to a
common joke thrown out againſt the calling;
the profeffors of which have the vulgar appella-
tion of prick-louſe.
THE above obſervations, though no doubt
many others will occur to the intelligent reader,
muſt place beyond a doubt the antiquity of the
poem, as well as elucidate the meaning of the
ingenious author.
ர
BIOGRA
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
133
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
Mr. JOSEPH AMES.
MR. JOSEPH AMES was born at or near
Great Yarmouth, in Norfolk, where he had a
fmall eftate. He was a member of both the
Royal and Antiquarian Societies; and ſecretary
to the latter. He was a very little man, of
mean afpect, and ftill meaner abilities. The
hiftory of printing, publifhed under his name,
was really written by Dr. Ward, profeffor of
Grefham college, though perhaps the materials
were collected by Mr. Ames, who had a confi-
derable collection of black-letter books and
other curiofities. This muſeum is ridiculed by
Dr. Hill, in the Infpector.
IT is faid he had at firft drawn up this hif
tory himself, which began with the word whereas ;
M
Dr.
$34
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
Dr. Ward, to whom he fhewed the manufcript,
objecting to fuch a beginning, as too like a bill
in chancery, or an advertiſement, Mr. Ames
agreed to his altering it, but begged he would
let the work begin with a W, as he had the
block of a fine ornamented W for that pur-
pofe.
MR. Ames lived in the Hermitage, Wap-
ping, and kept a very ſmall ironmonger's fhop.
He was totally ignorant of every language but
Engliſh, which laft he did not fpeak with the
greatest purity.
HE
He pretended to be a draughtfman---his per-
formances were fuch as would difgrace a boy of
ten years old: he alfo affected to underſtand the
mathematics, and belonged to a fociety which
affembled fomewhere in Wapping; but his
proficiency may be judged of, when, to my
knowledge, he had no idea that two diffimilar
bodies could have equal areas: namely, that a
triangle could be equal to a fquare. He alfo
pretended to be an efprit fort in matters of
religion, fo much as even to queftion the ex-
iſtence of a Deity; but this was only affecta-
tion, he having heard that great knowledge was
apt to make perfons fceptical; to this I am
enabled
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES:
135
enabled to ſpeak pofitively; for once, in croſſing
the water with him, to go to Sir Peter Thomp-
fon's, who lived at Dock-head, our boat was
in danger of being jammed in among fome
floating ice, with which the Thames was then
covered: at the fight of this he began to pray
in a ſtyle of fervency that would have done
honour to a biſhop.
He was, as has before been obferved, a
very little man, and generally wore a fhort
red great coat, which did not come fo low as
the ſkirts of his under garment; he was, be-
fides, remarkable for very long feet; he was
troubled with an afthma, of which he died fud-
denly in his chair at Mr. Ingham Fofter's
counting-houſe in Clement's-lane.
He left an only daughter, who was married
to a mate of an Indiaman, of the name of
Dampier, afterwards a captain. This gentleman
had his portrait, a three-quarter length, ex-
tremely like him.
MANY perfons of rank held Mr. Ames's an-
tiquarian knowledge in high eſtimation; among
them were the Duchefs of Portland, and the
Archbishop of Canterbury.
Mr.
M® 2
136
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
Mr. WILLIAM CLDYS.
WILLIAM OLDYS, Norroy King of Arms,.
author of the life of Sir Walter Raleigh, and fe-
veral others in the Biographia Britannica, was
the natural ſon of a Dr. Oldys, in the Commons,
who kept his mother very privately, and pro-
bably very meanly; as, when he dined at a ta-
vern, he uſed to beg leave to fend home part
of the remains of any fiſh or fowl for his cat
which cat was afterwards found out to be Mr.
Oldys' mother.
His parents dying when he was very young,
he foon fquandered away his ſmall patrimony;
when he became at firft an attendant in Lord
Oxford's library and afterwards librarian.
He was a little mean-looking man, of a vul-
gar addreſs; and when I knew him, rarely fober
in the afternoon, never after fupper.
Hrs favourite liquor was porter, with a glaſs.
of gin between each pot. Dr. Ducarrel told
me, he uſed to ſtint Oldy's to three pots of beer
whenever he vifited him.
OLDYS feems to have had but little claffical
learning, and knew nothing of the fciences: but
for
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
137
for index-reading, title pages, and the knowledge
of fcarce Engliſh books and editions, he had no
equal; this he had probably picked up
in my
Lord Oxford's fervice, after whofe death he was
obliged to write for the bookfellers for a fub--
fiftence.
AMONG many other publications, chiefly in-
the biographical line, he wrote the life of Sir
Walter Raleigh, which got him much reputa--
tion: the Duke of Norfolk in particular was fo
pleafed with it, that he refolved to provide -
for him, and accordingly gave him the pa-
tent of Norroy King at Arms, then vacant.
The patronage of that Duke occafioned a fuf-
picion of his being a papift, though I think
really without reafon: this for a while retarded
his appointment; it was underhand propagated
by the heralds, who were vexed at having a
ſtranger put in upon them.
He was a man of great good nature, honour,
and integrity, particularly in his character of a
hiftorian. Nothing, I firmly believe, would ever
have biaffed him to infert any fact in his writings
he did not believe, or to ſuppreſs any he did. ·
Of this delicacy he gave an inſtance at a time
when he was in great diſtreſs. After his publi-
cation of the life of Sir Walter Raleigh, fome
?
M-3
book--
138
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
1
bookfellers thinking his name would fell a piece
they were publiſhing, offered him a confider-
able fum to father it, which he rejected with
the greateſt indignation.
He was much addicted to low company;
moſt of his evenings he ſpent at the Bell in
the Old Bailey, a houfe within the liberties of
the Fleet, frequented by perfons whom he jo-
cularly uſed to ſtyle Rulers, from their being
confined to the rules or limits of that prifon.
From this houſe, a watchman, whom he kept
regularly in pay, ufed to lead him home before
twelve o'clock, in order to fave fixpence paid
to the porter of the herald's office by all thofe
who came home after that hour: fometimes,
and that not unfrequently, two were neceffary.
✓
He could not refift the temptation of liquor,
even when he was to officiate on folemn occa-
fions; for, at the burial of the Princefs Caroline,
he was fo intoxicated that he could fcarcely
walk, but reeled about with a crown on a
cuſhion to the great fcandal of his brethren.
His method of compofing was fomewhat
fingular; he had a number of ſmall parchment
bags, infcribed with the names of the perſons
whofe lives he intended to write; into theſe
bags he put every circumftance and anecdote he
could
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
139
could collect, and from thence drew up his
hiſtory.
By his exceffes he was kept poor, fo that
he was frequently in diftrefs; and at his death,
which happened about five on Wedneſday morn-
ing April 15, 1761, he left little more than
was fufficient to bury him. Doctor Taylor,
the oculift, fon of the famous Doctor of that
name and profeffion, claimed adminiftration at
the Commons, on account of his being nullius
filius, Anglice, a baftard. He was buried, the
19th following in the north aifle of the church
of St. Bennet, Paul's-wharf, towards the upper
end of the aifle. He was about feventy-two
years old.
AMONG his works is a preface to I. Walton's
Angling.
Doctor DUCARREL.
DR. ANDREW COLTEE DUCARREL was de-
fcended from a French family, who fled from
their country on account of their religion. They
were poffeffed of confiderable property: the
Doctor
140
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
Doctor it is faid had twelve thouſand pounds for
his fhare he was educated at Eaton, and from
thence went to the univerſity of Oxford. After
the ufual time he took the degree of doctor of
laws, and fettled in Doctors Commons, where
his chief employment was fwearing the perfons
who, from the nature of their bufinefs, were^
obliged to make affidavits.
4
THE Doctor was a very weak man, and ig-
norant, though he was ambitious of being
thought learned. Among the many publica--
tions which bear his name, none were really
written by him; most of them were done by
Sir Jofeph. Ayloffe, and the Rev. Mr. Morant,
author of the Hiftory of Effex; to whom the
Doctor applied on every emergency. He was
fo very illiterate, that on receiving a Latin letter
from a foreign univerfity, he took his chariot,
and went down to Colcheſter, where Mr. Morant:
then lived, and got him to write an anſwer.
THE following is a catalogue of the works.
afcribed to the Doctor, with their true authors::
a Tour through Normandy, quarto, the Rev.:
Mr. North; ditto in folio, Sir Jofeph Ayloffe;
Anglo-Gallic Coins, Rev. Mr. Morant; Hiftory
of Lambeth, Mr. Morant; Hiftory of St. Ca-
tharine's Hofpital, Mr. Morant; Hiftory of
Croydon;
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
141
Croydon; this work was begun by Mr. Rowe
Mores, but a quarrel happening between him
and the Doctor, the latter took away the notes
and materials, and gave them to Mr. Morant.
I have ſeen two of Mr. Mores's letters on
this fubject, reproaching the Doctor with un-
grateful and ungentleman-like behaviour to him,
and threatening to expofe him to the world
in general and the Archbishop in particular;
and to ſtrip him of thoſe borrowed plumes he
had fo unjustly affumed. How the Doctor
fettled this matter is not known; it is, how-
ever, probable, he found fome means of ap-
peaſing Mr. Mores, as the threatened diſcovery
was not made, and the Hiftory of Croydon was
finiſhed by Mr. Morant.
A Differtation on Chefnuts, was partly drawn
up by Mr. Thorpe and Mr. Hafted of Can-
terbury.
Lambeth Callenders, by Rowe Mores, and a
poor French Clerk.
SOME account of John Tradefcant: this was
a child of many fathers; chiefly written by a
South-Lambeth glazier, of the name of Buck-
mafter. The tomb was drawn and engraved
by Pouncy.
THE
{
142
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
THE Doctor, on recovering from a fit of
fickneſs, in which he had been carefully nurſed
by his maid, out of gratitude married her: a cir-
cumftance that tended greatly to his future efta-
bliſhment, Mrs. Ducarrel being a fober careful
woman.
THE Doctor was a large black man, with
only one eye, and that of a focus not exceed-
ing half an inch; fo that whatever he wished
to ſee diſtinctly he was obliged to put cloſe to
his nofe. The verfes of Virgil on the Cyclops,
did not very ill deſcribe him
Monftrum horrendum, &c.
THE Doctor always was a great lover of the
ladies as well as his glafs; the latter grew on
him fo much, that he was conftantly drunk
every day, a little before his death: his liquor
was generally port, or as he called it, "kill
prieft."
THE Dutch war had enabled the Doctor to
lay by fome money, which he left to his
wife.
THE
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
143
THE
REV. GEORGE HARVEST.
MR. GEORGE HARVEST, minifter of Thames
Ditton, was one of the moſt abfent men of his
time; he was a lover of good eating, almoſt to
gluttony; and was further remarkable as a great
fiſherman; very negligent in his dreſs, and a be-
liever in ghofts. In his youth he was contracted
to a daughter of the biſhop of London; but on his
wedding day, being gudgeon-fiſhing, he over-
ſtaid the canonical hour; and the lady juftly of-
fended at his neglect, broke off the match.
He had at that time an eſtate of 300l. per
annum, but from inattention and abfence, fuf-
fered his fervants to run him in debt fo much
that it was foon fpent. It is faid, that his maid
frequently gave balls to her friends and fellow-
fervants of the neighbourhood; and perfuaded
her maſter that the noiſe he heard was the effect
of wind.
Ix
144
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
IN the latter part of his life no one would
lend or let him a horſe, as he frequently loſt his
beaft from under him, or at leaft out of his
hands, it being his practice to difmount and
lead his horfe, putting the bridle under his arm,
which the horſe fometimes fhook off, and fome-
times it was taken off by the boys, and the
fon feen drawing his bridle after him.
par-
SOMETIMES he would purchaſe a penny-
worth of fhrimps, and put them in his waift-
coat pocket among tobacco, worms, gentles for
fiſhing and other trumpery: this he often carried
about him till it ftunk fo as to make his prefence
almoſt infufferable.-----I once faw fuch a me-
lange turned out of his pocket by the dowager
lady Pembroke. With all theſe peculiarities,
he was a man of fome claffical learning, and a
deep metaphyſician, though generally reckoned
a little crack'd.
MR. Arthur Onflow, Speaker of the Houſe
of Commons, who lived at Ember Court, in
the parish of Thames Ditton, was very fond of
Mr. Harveft's company; as was alſo his fon
and fucceffor Lord Onflow, fo much, that he
had a bed there, and lived more at Ember Court
than at his lodgings (a baker's in the village.)
ONE
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
145
ONE day Lady Onflow being defirous of
knowing the moſt remarkable planets and con-
ftellations, requefted Mr. Harveft, on a fine
ftar-light night, to point them out to her, which
he undertook to do; but in the midft of his
lecture, having occafion to make water, thought
that need not interrupt it, and accordingly di-
recting that operation with one hand, went on
in his explanation, pointing out the conftella-
tions with the other; this planet, faid he, is a
capital one, and is attended by its guards or fa-
tellites---meaning the planet Jupiter.
On another occafion, having accompanied my
Lord to Calais: they walked on the ramparts;
mufing on fome geometrical problem, he loft
his company in the midſt of that town; Mr.
Harveft could not fpeak a word of French;
but recollecting my Lord was at the Silver Lion,
he put a fhilling in his mouth and fet himſelf
in the attitude of a lion rampant: after exciting
much admiration, he was led back to the inn by
a foldier, under the idea that he was a maniac,
eſcaped from his keepers.
SUCH was his abfence and diftraction, that he
frequently uſed to forget the prayer days, and
to walk into his church with his gun, to fee
what could have affembled the people there.
N
WHERE-
146
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
WHEREVER he flept, he uſed commonly to
pervert the uſe of every utenfil; to wafh his
hands and mouth in the chamber pot; to make
water in the bafon or guglet, and to go into bed
and between the fheets with his boots on.
IN company he never put the bottle round,
but always filled when it ſtood oppofite to him;
fo that he very often took half a dozen glaſſes
running---That he alone was drunk, and the reſt
of the company fober, is not therefore to be
wondered at.
ONE day when Lady Onflow had a good deal
of company, Mr. Harveſt got up and faid,
ladies, I am going to the bogoi, meaning a
certain place. Being joked and reproved for
this indelicate piece of behaviour; in order to
mend it, he next day got up and defired the
company to take notice he was not then going
to the bogoi.
THE family had a private mode of warning
him when he was going wrong, or into any
impropriety: this was, by crying col. col. which
meant fellow of a college; thofe inaccuracies
in behaviour, having been, by Lady Onflow,
called behaving like a mere fcholar, or fellow
of a college.
ONE
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
147
1
ONE day Mr. Harveſt being in a punt on the
Thames with Mr. Onflow, began to read a
beautiful paffage in fome Greek author, and
throwing himſelf backwards in an extacy, fell
into the water, whence he was with difficulty
fished out.
WHEN Lord Sandwich was canvaffing for the
vice-chancellorſhip of Cambridge, Mr. Harveſt,
who had been his fchool-fellow at Eaton, went
down to give him his vote; one day at dinner,
in a large company, my Lord jefting with
Harveſt on their ſchool-boy tricks, the parfon
fuddenly exclaimed, apropos whence do you de-
rive your nick-name of Jemmy Twitcher?
Why, anſwered his Lordſhip, from fome fooliſh
fellow.-----No, no, interrupted Harveſt, it is
not fome, but every body, that calls you fo.----
On which my Lord, being near the pudding,
put a large flice on the Doctor's plate, who in-
ſtantly feizing it ftopt his own mouth.
ONCE being to preach before the clergy
at the vifitation, he had three fermons in his
pocket: fome wags got poffeffion of them,
mixed the leaves, and fewed them all up as
one: Mr. Harveſt began his fermon, and foon
loft the thread of his diſcourſe, and grew con-
fufed; but nevertheleſs continued till he had
preached
N 2
148
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
preached out firft all the church-wardens, and
next the clergy; who thought he was taken
mad.
ONCE Lady Onflow took him to fee Garrick
play fome favourite character. In order that
he might have an uninterrupted fight, fhe pro-
cured a front row in the front boxes. Har-
veſt knowing he was to fleep in town, lite-
rally brought his night-cap in his pocket. It
was of ſtriped woollen, and had been worn, fince
it was laft waſhed, at leaft half a year. In pulling
out his handkerchief, his cap came with it, and
fell into the pit: the perfon on whom it fell,
toffed it from him; the next did the fame; and
the cap was for fome minutes toffed to and fro,
all over the pit. Harveſt, who was afraid of
lofing his property, got up, and after hemming
two or three times, to clear his pipes, began the
following oration. Gentlemen, when you have
fufficiently amufed yourſelves with that cap,
pleaſe to reſtore it to me who am the owner;
at the fame time bowing and placing his left
hand on his breaft.------The mob ftruck with
his manner, handed up the cap on the end of
one of their fticks, like the head of a traitor
on the point of a lance.
THE
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
149
THE Doctor was a great lover of pudding as
well as argument. Once, at a vifitation, the
archdeacon was talking very pathetically on the
tranſitory things of this life; among which he
enumerated many particulars; fuch as health,
beauty, riches, and power: the Doctor, who
liftened with great attention, turning about to
help himſelf to a flice of pudding, found it was
all eaten; on which turning to the Archdeacon,
he begged, that in the future catalogue of
tranfitory things, he would not forget to infert
a pudding.
Theſe pleaſant biographical sketches are pub-
lifhed from Captain Grofe's manufcript: fo is
that which follows; though, with some other ar-
ticles in this volume, it has already appeared in
the Anecdotes of Mr. Andrews; to whom it was
communicated by the author.
PAR-
N 3
150
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
PARSON PATTEN.
THE REV. Mr. Patten, curate of Whitftable,
was of a very fingular character: he had origi-
nally been a fea chaplain, and contracted much
of the tar-like roughnefs: he was of an athletic
make, and had fome wit and humour, not re-
ftrained by any very ftrict ideas of profeffional
propriety. He was for many years curate of
Whitstable, at a very ſmall ftipend, and uſed
to travel to ſerve that and another church, in a
butcher's cart. Whitftable is fituated by the
ſea fide, and is extremely agueiſh; ſo that had
he been difmiffed, it would not have been very
eafy for the Archbiſhop of Canterbury, who
was the rector, to have procured another curate
at the fame price. This he well knew; and
prefuming on it, was a terror to every new
Archbishop.
MR. Patten was not a rigid high prieft: he
openly kept a miſtreſs; and on any one going
into
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
151
into church in fermon time, and fhewing him a
lemon, he would inſtantly conclude his diſcourſe
and adjourn to the alehoufe. He uſed to call
the Prebendaries of Canterbury Cardinals, and
all the young fellows of his acquaintance, who
came over to Whitstable, his nephews.
WHEN Dr. Wake was Archbishop, ſome
tale-bearer informed his Grace, that Patten had
given a marriage certificate which he had figned
by the title of Biſhop of Whitſtable! At his
next vifitation the Archbishop fternly aſked
Mr. Patten whether that report was true? to
which Patten replied, I fhall anſwer your Grace's
queſtion by another---Are you fool enough to
take notice of it?
WHEN Dr. Secker was enthroned, or foon
after, he gave a charge to his clergy, and
among other articles found great fault with the
fcanty allowance frequently paid to curates:
Patten, who was there (though not fummoned,
the biſhop fearful of fome of his remarks,
having ordered the Proctor to leave him out of
the lift) got up, and bowing to the Archbishop,
faid with a loud voice, I thank your Grace. After
the charge was over, the Proctor, by miſtake,
called the Rev. Mr. Patten, who buftling
through the crowd came up to the Archbiſhop:
he
152
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
he feeing he could not avoid it, began with the
ufual queftion, You, are, Sir, I think curate of
Whitftable? To which Patten replied, I am,
may it pleaſe your Grace, and have for it re-
ceived from your Grace's predeceffors the pal-
try fum of thirty pounds per annum only, al-
though the living brings in above three hundred.
Don't enlarge, faid the Archbishop; no, but I
hope your Grace will, rejoined Mr. Patten.
The following story, of Parfon Patten laying a
ghoft, I had from his own mouth.
A fubftantial farmer; married to a fecond
wife, and who had a fon grown up to man's
eftate, frequently promiſed to take him in as
a partner in his farm, or at leaft to leave it
to him at his deceafe; but having neglected
to do either, on his death, his widow took
poffeffion of the leaſe, and carried on the bufi-
neſs; the fon in vain urging the father's pro-
miſe, and requeſting fhe would at leaſt take
him in as a partner. In order to terrify his
mother into a compliance, he uſed to riſe at
midnight, and with hideous groans to drag the
waggon chain about the yard and outhouſes, cir-
culating a report that this noife was occafioned by
his
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
153
his father's ghoft, and that he would not reft
quietly in his grave till his promiſe to his fon
was completed. This was carried on for fome
time; till at length the widow, who had no re-
liſh for giving up any part of the farm, applied
to Mr. Patten (in whoſe pariſh the farm lay)
for his advice, faying, fhe would have the ghoft
laid in the Red Sea, if he could do it. Patten,
though no believer in ghofts, refolved to turn
this matter to his own advantage, and putting
on a grave countenance, told her, that what ſhe
required was no fmall matter; that to lay a
ghoſt, beſides a good ſtock of courage, re-
quired much learning, as the whole form muſt
neceffarily be pronounced in Latin; wherefore
he could not afford to do it under a guinea.
The widow hereupon demurred for fome time;
but at length, tired out with the freaks of the
fuppofed ghoft, who every day became more
and more outrageous, agreed to give it. Patten
moreover required a fire in the beſt parlour;
two candles, and a large bowl of punch. Thefe
being all prepared, the Parfon took his poft, ex-
pecting the ghoft. The farmer's ſon, who did not
know the fort of man he had to deal with, thought
he could frighten the Parfon, and accordingly
at twelve began his perambulation. No fooner
did
154
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
did Patten hear his chain and groans, than he
fallied forth, and without any farther ceremony,
feized the fuppofed ghoft by the collar, bela-
bouring him at the fame time heartily with a
good oak fapling. The young farmer, finding
himſelf by no means a match for his opponent,
fell down on his knees, and confeffed the contri-
vance; befeeching the Parfon, at the fame time,
not to expoſe him, nor reveal it to his mother-
in-law, who would have been glad of the pre-
tence to turn him out of the houſe. The Par-
fon, on the young man's promiſe never to
diſturb the houſe again, let him go, and
undertook to fettle matters with his mother-
in-law.
EARLY next morning fhe came down, anxi-
ous to know what had paffed the preceding
night; when the Parfon, with a well-counter-
feited terror in his countenance, told her he had
been engaged in a terrible conflict, the deceaſed
being one of the moſt obftinate and fierce ſpi-
rits he had ever met with; but that he had at
length, with great difficulty and expence of
Latin, laid him: poor wicked foul, fays he,
I forgive him, though great part of his dif
quiet is owing to thirty fhillings for tythes
of which he defrauded me, but which he
defired,
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
155
;
defired, nay, commanded, you fhould pay;
and on that condition only he has agreed to
trouble the houſe no more: he does not infift
on your completing his promife to your fon
but wishes you would at leaſt let him have a
fhare in the farm. To all this the woman
affented, and the Parfon received the thirty
fhillings over and above the ftipulated guinea.
The woman likewife admitted her fon-in-law
joint partner with her in the leaſe.
AMONG the good qualities the Rev. Mr.
Patten had to boast of, that of a good pay-
maſter was not included: on the contrary, fame
ſpoke fo unfavourably of him, refpecting this
article, that none of the Canterbury tradeſmen
would let him have a fingle article of goods
without firſt depofiting the ready money for it.
Under this predicament his wig had long paffed
through the medium of ſtrait hair to the ſtate
of curling negatively or inwards; or in plain
terms, was reduced to the condition of being
only fit for a ſcare-crow: but how to get ano-
ther was the difficulty; he had not the money,
and Chriftian faith was wanting.
In this fituation, he accidentally heard of a
new perukemaker from London, who had lately
fettled
156
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
fettled in the High-ftreet. To him he went a
little before dinner time, and beſpoke a full
cauliflower wig. The barber, ftruck with the
reverend appearance of his new cuſtomer, whoſe
character had not reached his ears, gladly un-
dertook to furnish him; and his dinner being
ready, he refpectfully begged the honour of the
Doctor's company to partake of it, and after-
wards introduced a large bowl of punch: Patten
ate and drank heartily, and got into great good
humour. When the bowl was out, the barber
would have proceeded to buſineſs, and produced
his meaſures; but Patten cut him fhort, and
greatly furpriſed him, by faying, he need not
trouble himſelf to meaſure him; he would get
his wig elſewhere. The barber, fearing he had
taken offence at fomething that had paffed at
table, humbly begged pardon if he had been
wanting in reſpect, protefting it was uninten-
tional, and contrary to his meaning. No, no,
Sir, anfwered Patten, it is nothing of that;
look you, I find you are an honeſt, generous
fellow; it would be a pity to take you in; I
ſhould never have paid you for your wig; I
will therefore get it elſewhere.
A neighbouring clergyman, who pretended
to
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
157
to great ſkill in the Hebrew and Oriental lan-
guages, fhewed Patten his ftudy, in which were
books in almost every language. And pray,
brother, faid Patten, do you underſtand all theſe
different tongues? on being anfwered in the
affirmative; one would think, rejoined he, that
you had got your head broken with a brick
from the tower of Babel.
PATTEN long refuſed to read the Athanafian
Creed. The Archdeacon reproving him for
that omiffion, told him, his Grace the Archbiſhop
read it: that may be, anſwered Patten, perhaps
he may believe it, but I don't: he believes at
the rate of feven thoufand per annum; I at that
of less than fifty.
PATTEN, in his laft ficknefs, was in great
diſtreſs, which Dr. Secker hearing, ſent him ten
guineas by the Archdeacon; to whom he made
the following acknowledgement: Thank his
Grace moſt heartily, and tell him, now I know he
is a man of God, for I have ſeen his good angels,
JOHN
158 BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
JOHN WARBURTON.
JOHN WARBURTON, Somerſet Herald, was
born in the north of England (and as I have
heard him fay) was, at his first fetting out in
life, an excifeman, after which he became a
fuperviſor. He had little or no education, be-
ing not only ignorant of the Latin, but incapa-
ble of writing two fentences in good Engliſh.
All the publications under his name, both books
and maps, were done by others, hired by him;
his knowledge of the mathematicks was not at
all fuperior to his other literary acquirements
I can myſelf aver, that he ſcarcely knew the
difference between a right and an acute angle;
and when I knew him he could not have done
his duty as an excifeman, though gauging, like
navigation, as practifed by our ordinary feamen,
confifts only in multiplying and dividing certain
numbers, or writing by an inftrument, the ra-
tionale of both which they are totally ignorant
of. Although he wanted learning and true abi-
lities,
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
159
lities, he poffeffed what, in the commerce of the
world, often anſwers the ends of both; that is,
he was poffeffed of a deal of low cunning, and
not being impeded by any principles of honour,
he frequently gained both profit and reputation,
to which he had not the leaft title.
THE following is an inftance of his readineſs
to catch at any opportunity that offered to im-
pofe on the unwary. Walking one day through
the ſtreets of London, he paffed by the houſe
of Mr. Stainbank, a rich merchant, over whoſe
door he ſaw an atchievement or hatchment, on
which were painted three caſtles, ſomewhat like
thoſe borne in the arms of Portugal: he went
immediately home, and wrote a fhort note,
begging to fee Mr. Stainbank on very particu-
lar buſineſs. The gentleman came; when Mr.
Warburton, with a great deal of feeming concern,
told him, the Portugueſe ambaſſador had been
with him, and directed him to commence a pro-
fecution againſt him for affuming the royal arms
of Portugal; and befides meant to exhibit a
complaint against him to the houfe of Lords,
for a breach of privilege. Mr. Stainbank, ter
rified at the impending danger, begged his ad-
vice and affiftance, for which he promiſed to re-
ward him handſomely. Warburton, after ſome
Q 2
con-
160
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
confideration faid, he had hit on a method to
bring him out of this very ugly fcrape; which
was, that he ſhould purchafe a coat of arms,
which he would devife for him, as like as pof-
fible to that on the atchievement, and that he
would fhew it to the Ambaffador, and confirm
its being his legal coat of arms; and fay, that
the fimilitude complained of was owing to the
blunder of the painter.
THE arms were granted in due form, and
paid for; when Warburton, over and above his
fhare of the forty pounds, afked and obtained a
particular reward for appeafing the reprefenta-
tive of his Portuguefe majefty.
NOTWITHSTANDING this, and many other
like dirty tricks, he clearly proved the truth of
that proverb which fays, Honeſty is the beſt
policy----by dying a beggar.
His life was one continued fcene of fquabbles
and diſputes with his brethren, by whom he was
deſpiſed and detected. He married his wife's
fon when a minor, to one of his daughters.
DOC-
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES. 161
Į
DOCTOR JOHNSON.
DOCTOR Johnſon's Dictionary was not en-
tirely written by himſelf; one Steward, a por-
ter-drinking man, was employed with him:
Steward's buſineſs was to collect the authorities
for the different words.
WHILST this Dictionary was in hand, Dr.
Johnſon was in debt to a milk man, who at-
tempted to arreſt him. The Doctor then lived
in Gough-ſquare: once on an alarm of this kind,
he brought down his bed and barricadoed the
door, and from the window harangued the
milk-man and bailiffs in theſe words: "Depend
upon it, I will defend this my little citadel to
the utmoſt."
ABOUT this time the Doctor exhibited a proof
that the moſt ingenuous mind may be fo de-
baſed by diſtreſs, as to commit mean actions.---
In order to raiſe a prefent fupply, Johnſon de-
livered to Mr. Strahan the printer, as new copy,
feveral ſheets of his Dictionary, already printed
and paid for; for which he thus obtained a fe-
cond
payment. The Doctor's credit with his
03
Bookfeller
162
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
Bookfeller not being then ſterling, and the occa-
fion for money very preffing, ways and means,
to raiſe the ſupply wanted, were neceffary to
prevent a refuſal.
Theſe circumſtances the author mentions, that
he received from a perfon who was concerned in
printing the Dictionary.
DOCTOR BUTLER.
DR. Ducarrel told me, that Dr. Butler, bi-
ſhop of Oxford, was originally a printer's boy,
ſtyled a devil; and that when Lidiard's Naval
Hiſtory was printing, he attended Sir Jofeph
Ayloff with the preof fheets.---He was after-
wards apprentice to Wilcox a bookſeller; and
in order to obtain a woman with a good fortune,
who had declared fhe would marry none but a
clergyman, he officiated as fuch, though unor-
dained. The acquiſition of fortune with this
wife, enabled him to get a real ordination; but
fhe having fecured her money for her life, he
was conſtrained for a livelihood to keep a lodg-
ing-houſe for Weſtminſter boys. This wife
dying, he married a fecond, alfo poffeffed of a
good fortune.
SIR
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
163
SIR JOHN HAWKINS.
SIR John Hawkins was the ſon of a poor car-
penter in the city, and was brought up an attor-
ney: having a turn for mufic and writing finall
poems and fongs, he was taken notice of by
Mr. Belcher, the furgeon, Dr. Stanley, the
blind muſician, Mr. Twining, and divers other
lovers of mufick, with whom he lived in the
greateſt intimacy. Afterwards marrying an old
maid, with whom, at different times, he had
near forty thousand pounds, he dropt and broke
with all his former acquaintance, by various un-
grateful and unhandfome methods.
MR. Belcher ufed to tell the following ſtory,
to fhew what a low kind of woman his mother
was. He (Mr. Belcher) meeting her a fhort
time before the above-mentioned marriage took
place, wiſhed her much joy of her fon's good
fortune on which the, to fhew her fon's wor-
thinefs of it, faid, Lord, Sir! my fon has half
a dozen as handſome fhirts as any gentleman in
England need to wear.
GENE-
164
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
GENERAL LLOYD.
GENERAL Humphry Lloyd, was clerk to Mr.
Hugh Lloyd, an attorney at Birth, near Ruthin,.
in Denbighshire. In 1746, he went out of cu-
riofity to ſee the Rebels at Manchefter. He had
a freehold eftate in Montgomeryfhire of about.
fixty pounds per annum, which he ſpent in about
a year, at the Yatch, at Chefter: after which,
having taken in a Jew for three hundred pounds,.
he went abroad and got into the Pruffian fervice,
and from thence into that of the Emprefs of
Ruffia. This account I had from Captain Lloyd
who knew him. He rofe to be fecond in com-
mand, and was ſo high in favour, as to venture
inviting the Emprefs to fup or dine with him,
which, though contrary to the etiquette of the
court, fhe promifed, but did not come; at
which he pretended to be much offended, and
ſhewed indecent ſigns of refentment ſo as to in-
cur the anger of the Emprefs..
DURING his command of the Ruffian army, he
is faid to have unneceffarily burned a Turkish
town,
ป
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
165
town, whereby near five thouſand perfons pe-
riſhed. Theſe particulars I had from the Rev.
Mr. Tooke, chaplain to the Britiſh factory at
Peterſburg.
FOURNIER.
DANIEL FOURNIER was educated a chafer, and
afterwards fucceffively followed the occupation of
alamode-beef maker, a cobler, and a dealer in
butter and eggs. He likewife taught drawing;
and at about the age of fifty he wrote his book
of perſpective: during the time he was writing
it, he uſed to draw the diagrams on the ale-
houſe tables with chalk or porter, and was
known by the appellation of the mad geometer.
He etched well, and was employed by M'Kenzie
to etch the furvey of the Leeward Iſlands. He
had a ſtrong mechanical genius, and actually
made a fiddle, and taught himſelf to play on it.
He died in Wild-court, Wild-ſtreet, about the.
year 1766.
CHATE,
166
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
CHATELAIN.
CHATELAIN, the engraver, had been a lieu-
tenant in the French fervice: his name was
John Philipes, to which he affumed his mo-
ther's name of Chatelain. Mr. Gandon, the
architect, told me he faw his commiffion, and
once had a pocket-book of his with the mili-
tary operations of a campaign he ferved: he
was, at the fame time, as appeared from that
book, a ſtudent in alchymy, on which fubject
he had many books.
CHATELAIN died of an indigeftion after a
hearty ſupper of lobſters: he then lodged at a
carpenter's in a court near Shug-lane: going
home after his fupper of lobfters, he bought
and eat an hundred of aſparagus: he was buried
by ſubſcription.
CHATELAIN was a great epicure: Mr. Gan-
don, fen. going into King Harry's Head, the
corner of Chancery-lane, faw a turkey and a
large fowl roaſting, which the landlord told him
was for an outlandish drawer: on enquiry this
proved
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
167
proved to be Chatelain, who told him he had
quarrelled with his wife; that the turkey was
for himſelf, and that the bitch (meaning his wife)
might ſtarve on the fowl and a pint of wine.
CHATELAIN ufed to be paid by feveral of his
employers, particularly Meffrs. Goupy, Pond,
and Vivares, two fhillings and fixpence an hour
for etching: after earning half a guinea he
would work no more, and never choſe to bite
in a plate.
He had ſpent four years in making drawings
of the environs of London; when ſtanding to
hear Whitfield preach, he had his pocket picked
of his ſketch-book.----He was once taken up
and pounded in St. Giles's pound by a farmer,
for trampling down his grafs.
He was a tall, well-looking man, and always
wore a whitiſh coat.
CLEE the engraver, uſed to invite him to
dinner, and whilft it was getting ready, had
chalk and other drawing materials put before
him, always taking care that dinner fhould not
be produced till the drawing was finished.
CLEE ufed likewife to lend Chatelain money
on his drawings.
CHATELAIN died about May 1758: he was
at the time of his death about fifty years old.
Although
158
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
4
Although a great mannerift in his drawings,
yet he was confidered by Woollet and others,
as the father of the broad, free manner of
etching.
THE above anecdotes were told me by Mr.
Gandon, who knew them to be fact.
TUL L.
TULL painted finall landfcapes in the ftyle
of Gainſborough, or rather Rifdale: there is a
great deal of nature in his pieces; which were
moftly views of cottages, &c. after nature.
He was maſter of the charity ſchool of St.
George's, Southwark, and died very young.
Mr. Panton Betew of Compton-ſtreet, Soho,
had many of his pictures.
WORLIDGE.
BIOGRAPHICAL ANÈCDOTES.
169
=3.c
WORLID GE.
He
WORLIDGE in the early part of his life, was
one that literally followed the precept of the
ſcripture, taking no care for to-morrow.
was alfo a great epicure: one day, after having
fafted for near twenty-four hours, not through
devotion, but becauſe he could not purchaſe a
dinner, he luckily found half a guinea, with
which he immediately purchaſed a pint of
peaſe, then juſt coming in ſeaſon.
green
THIS anecdote I had from Mr. Bridges the
player, who married one of his relations.
HOLL A R.
HOLLAR ufed to work with an hour-glafs be-
fore him; the price he received from his em-
ployers was fourpence per hour. He was fo fcru-
pulouſly juft, that if called out on any buſineſs,
though
P
I
170
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES.
though by the party for whom he was working,
he always turned up his glaſs, in order to avoid
charging for more time than what he actually
employed in working.
HE K E L.
AUGUSTINE HEKEL was born at Augfbourg
in Germany; his father was a chafer, and brought
him up to that bufinefs. After working in moſt
of the capital cities in Germany and France, he
fettled in England, and was efteemed the beſt
workman of that time, particularly for the hu-
man figure. By his induſtry he acquired a com-
petency that enabled him to retire to Richmond
in Surry, where he amufed himfelf with painting
landſcapes and flowers. He drew feveral views
in and about Richmond (which were engraved
by Bowles and Sayer); the battle of Culloden,
engraved by Sullivan; and etched eight fmall
views.
FERRY.
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES, 171
PERRY.
FRANCIS PERRY, born at Abingdon in Berk-
fhire, was originally put apprentice to a hofier,
but fhewing a defire of becoming a painter, and
perfifting in it, his friends placed him with one
of the Vanderbanks, who being a very diffipated
and diſtreſſed man, employed him more in ob-
taining goods on credit, than painting or de-
figning. Among other fhifts he uſed to fend
him for coals, which he fetched in the table-
cloth. He afterwards was a pupil to Mr.
Richardfon, with whom he learned to etch.---.
In the rebellion he was employed as clerk to a
commiffary, and went down into Staffordshire,
where he drew Litchfield cathedral; this he af-
terwards engraved and publiſhed.----His chief
excellence was in engraving coins, which he did
with great neatneſs. He was a very honeſt in-
duſtrious man, blind of one eye; he etched ſe-
veral plates of antiquities..
P 2.
SMITH,
172
BIOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTES:
SMITH
SMITH, the mezzotinto fcraper, had a
blue paper book in which he had pafted many
proofs of his works, really taken as fuch: for
this, when he had left off fcraping, he was much
followed by the collectors. He uſed to receive
them in great ftate, giving audience to them
fitting on his his clofe-ftool, and required much
praying as well as paying, to part with a print
from his blue book. At length finding how
readily, and at what high prices thefe prints
went off, the old fellow procured fome ordi-
nary impreffions, which he trimmed clofe, and
ftuck into that book, from whence they were
purchaſed as proofs.
Not J. R. Smith, who, as a mezzotinto engraver, takeş
the lead in this country, and is, by his works, well known
în moft parts of Europe.
ANECDOTES.
t
ANECDOTES.
173
A NEC DO TE S.
:
-
LORD NORTHINGTON, remarkable for:
his profligate and brutal manner of expreffing-
himſelf on all occafions, which had procured
him the nick-name of Surly Bob, being at the
point of death exclaimed, I'll be damn'd if I
am not dying !----During his fickneís, his wife,
daughter, and 'fome female relations, coming to
afk the ſtate of his health, could not refrain
from weeping; on which, in a paffion, he roared
out to his nurſe, turn out all thofe fnivelling
bitches except Bridget! the lady diftinguiſhed by.
this delicate preference was his daughter, lady.
Bridget Lane.
DURING the fame illneſs, he fent for the
Duke of Chandois, then Marquis of Caernarvon,
a man of great piety, who though furpriſed at
the meffage, waited upon him, and begged to
be honoured with his Lordship's commands.---
P. 3:
I fent
:
174
ANECDOTES.
I fent for you, fays Bob, to beg you to recom
mend me fome able parfon, whofe advice I
might fafely take in regard to the neceffary fet-
tlements refpecting the future welfare of my ſoul,
which I fear will be fhortly ejected from my
body. My Lord, replied the Marquis, I am
furpriſed at the queſtion; as Chancellor, your
Lordſhip has had the difpofal of much church
preferment, which doubtless you always beftowed
on pious and deferving perfons. For example
what think you of Dr. T-----t? Oh! name
him not, loudly, exclaimed the quondam Chan-
cellor that is one of my crying fins; I fhall cer-
tainly be damned were it only for making that
fellow a dean,
ON his death bed he ordered his gardener to
cut down fome clumps of trees, purely, as it is
faid, becauſe they were agreeable to his fon..
The gardener, willing to worship the rifing fun,
neglected to do it, expecting every moment.
the death of his old mafter. He, enquiring,
whether his commands had been obeyed, and
being anſwered in the negative, eaſily conceived;
the gardener's motive for difobedience, and
fending for him up into his chamber, thus ad-
dreffed him: So, d---n you, you have not done.
ANECDOTES.
175
as I ordered you; you think I am going; fo I
am and be d----d to you; but you ſhall go first;
ftrip him, faid he, to fome of his attendants, and
kick him out of the house.
LORD TYRAWLEY, a little before his
death, was viſited by feveral Englifhmen, whos
came with a pretence of aſking how he did,
but in reality to fee if he was dying, that they
might apply for his employments. The old
General, who comprehended their motives for
being fo folicitous about him, gave them the
following anſwer: Gentlemen, I know your rea-
fons for enquiring after my health; I have but
two things worth any one's, having, my regi-
ment, and my girl, neither of which will fall to-
your lot: I'll tell you how they will be difpofed.
of; a Scotchman will get the one, and an Iriſh-.
an the other.
WARRANTS
176:
ANECDOTES
WARRANTS for wax for the body of king,
Edward I. appearing in the Exchequer accounts,,
temp. Edward III. fome doubts arofe among the
antiquaries to what purpoſe that wax was ap-
plied; fome maintaining that it was to encruft
the royal corpfe, in order to preſerve it from:
putrefaction; and others afferting, that it was
uſed for tapers to burn about the tomb.
IN order, if poffible, to fettle this difpute, fe-
veral members of the Antiquarian Society ob-
tained leave to open the tomb of that monarch,
in Weſtminſter Abbey, if poffible to ſee whether
any wax had really been ufed, and if it had pro-
duced the defired effect...
THE members prefent at this fearch were,..
the Dean of Weftminfter, now bifhop of Ro-
chefter, with two of his Prebendaries; Sir Jof..
Ayloffe; the honourable Daines Barrington, and
Mr. G------
An account of the ſtate in which they found
the body is printed in the Archæologia.
WHILST the tomb was open, the Dean of
Exeter obferved Mr. G. to take fomething pri-
vately
1
ANECDOTES.
177
vately out of it and convey it haftily into his
waiſtcoat pocket; this he immediately taxed.
him with, and infifted that what he had taken.
ſhould be reſtored and replaced in the tomb. Mr.
G---- at firſt denied it; but Sir Jofeph Ayloffe
confirming the accufation, a fearch was infifted
on, and the pocket turned infide out, when it
was diſcovered that Mr. G---- had fecreted----
not a gold crucifix, nor valuable ring, but a joint
of the King's middle finger, which was again
depofited in the coffin, to the great diſpleaſure
of Mr. G-----. The ftory was however for a
while kept fecret, but at length was whiſpered
about and foon became public.
2.
THE late Lord Londonderry, being en-
gaged to dine at Hampftead; the night before,
he was to fet out, dreamed that he broke his
leg at a particular ftile. This dream, from fome,
circumſtances, had fo much weight with him,
that he refolved to walk, and in getting over
that very ftile of which he dreamed, his foot
flipped, ſo that he entangled and broke his leg.
This ſtory he himſelf told to Major Hayman
Rook, who related it to me.
WIN
178
A NEC DO TE S.
}
WINYARD, Efq. of Gloucefter-
fhire, a juftice of the peace, and a great ſportf-
man, attending the funeral of his wife, arrayed
in all the pomp of woe, and ſeemingly torpid
with forrow, was fuddenly roufed from his grief,
by the ſtarting of a hare, on which, as if forget-
ting the melancholy bufinefs he was about, he
immediately threw down his cloak and other in-
cumbrances, and towing * on two greyhounds,
the conftant attendants of all his fteps, purfued
the game. The hare being killed, he rejoined
the proceffion, which had halted on the occa-
fion, and the bearers had fet down the corpfe.
Come, gentlemen, faid he, refuming his melan-
choly tone, with his fable veſtments, in the
name of God let us proceed with the remains of
my deareſt wife, and finiſh the forrowful cere-
mony for which we are met. This ſtory was
told me by Mr. and Mrs. Bathurst, of Lidney-
park, Glouceſterſhire, who affirmed it to be li-
terally true.
*Tow, tow, the word uſed in ſetting on the greyhounds,
in Gloucestershire.
DOCTOR
ANECDOTES.
179
DOCTOR RILEY of Monmouth, an Iriſh-
man by birth, married a fuperannuated and
fickly old woman, who was poffeffed of an an-
nuity for life of 100l. per annum, and the houſe
in which ſhe lived, and of which by her mar-
riage articles fhe retained the difpofal. The Doc-
tor, who to do him juſtice, had moſt carefully
watched over her health with the greateſt foli-
citude, either out of love to her, or her annuity,
finding fhe could not live many days, made ufe
of every endearment to induce her to leave him
the houſe; among others, he confulted her about.
her funeral fupper, afking her whether fhe did
not think a gammon of bacon they had in the
chimney with half a dozen fowls then in the
coop, would be fufficient? The old lady fur-
viving a day or two beyond his expectation, and
fome of thefe fowls being killed for her ufe, he
kindly expreffed his fears to her, that there
would not be fufficient left if ſhe did not die in
a day or two, for the above-mentioned oc-
cafion.
ANOTHER
180
A NE C DOTES.
ANOTHER inftance of his attention was, the
recommending a particular perſon to make
her fhroud, faying, fhe was famous for making
them neatly.
▾
ALL thefe blandifhments had not their defired
effect; and though he even requeſted her in di-
rect words to leave him the houſe, fhe be-
queathed it to another.
IN Auguft, 1775, when I was at Monmouth,
theſe ſtories were told of the Doctor, his wife
being juft dead.
MR. CERVETTI, the famous player on
the violoncello, fo well known at the theatre by
the nick-name of Nofey, one night, during his
performance in the orcheſtra, received a violent
blow on the nofe with a potatoe, thrown from
the upper gallery; being a man of fpirit, he
with difficulty contained himſelf till the con-
clufion of the piece, which was no fooner ended,
than he ran up into the gallery, and aſked who
was the fcoundrel that had dared thus to affault
him the man being pointed out, Cervetti
feized
ANECDOTES.
181
feized him by the collar, dragged him into the
paffage, and gave him a hearty drubbing.
Some years after, returning from a ride, he
met near Paddington, a cart load of convicts
going to Tyburn: one of the prifoners ſeeing
him, cried out, Nofey! Nofey! and telling the
furrounding populace he had fomething parti-
cular to fay to Nofey, Cervetti was ſtopped,
and his horſe led up to the cart, where he foon
recognized the man who had thrown the pota-
toe, who told him, that being juſt going to leave
the world, he was defirous of dying in peace.
with all mankind: he therefore had taken the
liberty of ſtopping him, to afk his forgive-
nefs for the offence he had formerly given him,
and to affure him he entirely forgave him for
the beating inflicted on him: then wiſhing him
good-day, bid the carter drive on.-----This
ſtory was often related by Cervetti to his
friends.
THE
a
182
ANECDOTES.
=p,¢=
THE Rev. Mr. Echard, author of the Caufes
of the Contempt of the Clergy, was a man who
frequently aſked favours for others, but never
for himſelf. Once Queen Anne, being on a
vifit to the Univerfity, the way was fo crouded
by a multitude of beggars, waiting to folicit
her Majefty's charity, that no one could pafs
or repaſs. Dr. Echard, endeavouring to make
his way through the croud, fome of the ragged
crew called out, make way there for Dr. Echard,
as arrant a beggar as any among us.
? 《=p••C•
ANNO 1779, one Mr. Conftable of Wool-
wich, paffing through the church-yard of that
place, at 12 o'clock at night, was furpriſed to
hear a loud noiſe, like that of ſeveral perfons
finging; at firft he thought it proceeded from
the church; but on going to the church doors,
found them fhut faft, and all within filent. The
noife continuing, he looked round the church-
yard,
ANECDOTE 3.
183
yard, and obſerved a light in one of the large
family tombs: going up to it, he found fome
drunken failors, who had got into a vault, and
were regaling themſelves with bread, cheeſe,
tobacco, and ftrong beer. They told him they
belonged to the Robufte man of war, and, that
having refolved to ſpend a jolly night on fhore,
they had kept it up in a neighbouring alehouſe,
till they were turned out by the landlord, and
were obliged to take fhelter here, to finish their
evening. In their jollity, they had opened fome
of the coffins, and crammed the mouth of one
of the bodies full of bread, cheeſe, and beer.
Mr. Conſtable, with much difficulty, prevailed
on them to return to their fhip. In their way
thither one of them being much in liquor, fell
down and was fuffocated in the mud. On which
his comrades took him up on their fhoulders,
bringing him back to fleep in company with the
honeft gemmen with whom he had paſſed the
evening.
of fact.
This ftory is pofitively matter
;
1
22
WHEN
$84
ANECDOTES.
=p、•GC
D
WHEN the Earl of Harrington was on his
death-bed, many of his miftreffes called to fee
him; fome were denied and others admitted.---
Among the reft, one being extremely folicitous
for admittance, fhe was told as a reafon for the
denial, that his Lordfhip had juft received the
facrament; to which fhe anſwered, fuppofing it
fome kind of phyfic, that fhe would wait pa-
tiently till it had worked off.
MAY 10th, 1777, Sir Jofeph Ayloffe, Mr.
Brander, Mr. King, Mr. Loft, Mr. Claxton,
myſelf, with divers other members of the Anti-
quarian Society, went to fee Weſtminſter Abbey,
when Sir Joſeph took upon him the office of
Cicerone, which he moſt ably diſcharged, to the
great contentment of all prefent, and particularly
one of the vergers, who in overflowings of his
approbation, probably increafed by his grati-
tude for half a guinea, with which he was re-
warded
ANECDOTES, &c.
185
warded for his attendance, took Sir Joſeph aſide,
and after much preface, prefented him with a
large half-decayed jaw-tooth, which he ſaid he
had extracted from the ſkull of King Richard
the Second.
ANECDOTES, JESTS, BON MOTS.
CAUFIELD, to whom the management of
the roads through the Highlands of Scotland
devolved after General Wade, having brought.
his part of the road to join with that made by
the General, in a fit of extafy commenced poet
by the following verfes, which preclude the
neceffity of faying he was an Iriſhman.
Had you but ſeen theſe roads before they were made,
You'd lift up your hands and bleſs Marfial Wade.
THE fame gentleman meeting Mr. Thomas.
Sandby, exclaimed, my dear Sandby, I'm glad
to fee you! pray is it you or your brother?
Q 3
MR......
186
ANECDOTES, &c.
MR. MONINGS, mafter of the king's
fchool, Canterbury, being at a place where a
gentleman expreffed great apprehenfions on ac-
count of a bleeding he was next morning to un-
dergo, by advice of his phyfician; a punfter
then preſent told him, he would recommend
him to employ that gentleman (pointing to
Mr. Monings) who was a very ſafe and able
flay-bottomift.
DR. JOHN EGERTON, the preſent biſhop
of Durham, on coming to that fee employed
one Due as his agent to find out the true values.
of the eftates held by leafe under him, and
in confèquence of Due's report, greatly railed
both the fines and referved rents of his tenants;
on which account the following toaſt was fre-
quently drunk in and about Durham, " May
the Lord take the Biſhop, and the Devil have
his Due."
MR.
ANECDOTES, &c.
187
MR. WILKES going to the King's-head
chop-houſe in Paternofter-row, with a friend,
in order to obferve the humours of the place,
accidentally feated himſelf near a rich and
purſe-proud citizen, who almoſt ſtunned him
with roaring for his take, as he called it:
Mr. Wilkes in the mean time aſking him fome
common queſtion, received a very brutal an-
fwer; the fteak coming at that inftant, Mr.
Wilkes turned to his friend, faying, fee the
difference between the city and the bear garden,
in the latter the bear is brought to the ſtake,
but here the fteak is brought to the bear.
THE fame gentleman, during the profecution
carried on againſt him by adminiſtration, being
in France, and at court, Madam Pompadour
addreffed him thus: you Englishmen are fine
fellows, pray how far may a man go in his
abuſe of the royal family among you? I do
not at preſent know, replied he drily, but I am
trying.
ON
888
ANECDOTES, &c.
ON the first of May, 1782, when debates
ran high againft the influence of the crown, and
the patriots infifted much on the majesty of the
people, George Selwyn, happening with fome
friends to meet a party of chimney-fweepers'
boys, decorated with gilt paper and other ludi-
crous ornaments, exclaimed, "I have often
heard of the majefty of the people, but never
before had the pleaſure of feeing any of the
young princes!"
A gentleman who had been in the Eaft Indies,
faying it was cuftomary there to bury the dead.
within twenty-four hours after their deceafe----
an Iriſh lady prefent, obferved, the hoped fhe
fhould not die in India, as in that cafe fhe
fhould run a riſque of being buried alive.
AFTER Lord John Townfhend carried the
Weſtminſter election againſt Lord Hood, it was
deter-
ANECDOTES, &c.
189
determined to have a cavalcade by way of
triumph: this cauſed much ſpeculation among
fome Irish chairmen, one of them offered
to bet a crown it would be only a foot ca-
valcade.
A failor on board a fhip of war being fre-
quently drunk, the captain affured him the next
time he was was guilty of that offence, he ſhould
be feverely punished; and at the fame time
forbid the purfer and all other perfons to let
him have any liquor: fhortly after this fellow
appeared very drunk; how he got the liquor
no one could gueſs; the captain refolved to find
out and puniſh the perfon who had thus dif-
obeyed his orders, promiſed to forgive him if
he would tell how he got the liquor: after fome
hefitation, he hiccupped out, why, and pleaſe
your honour, I tapped the governor; by which
he meant he had ftolen fome of the arrack in
which the body of an Eaft-India governor was
bringing home in that fhip for interment in
England.
SOME
rgo
ANECDOTES, &c.
SOME perfons reprefenting to Mr. Fox
the impropriety of the infult offered to Mr.
Pitt, in his return from dining with the grocer's.
company; Mr. Fox declared himſelf entirely
innocent of that matter, he being at that time
in bed with Mrs. Armftead, who, he faid, was
ready to prove it on oath. George Selwyn,
who happened to be prefent, obferved, this
was the common defence of moſt culprits at
the Old Bailey, who pleaded an alibi, and
brought their whores to fwear to it.
}
MR. HEYMAN having exhibited a mi-
ferable picture of Peter denying Chrift; a wag
obſerved, that any one would have denied fuck
a Christ.
૦૩
A certain reprobate buck parfon, going to
read prayers at a remote village in the weft of
England,
ANECDOTES, &c.
190
England, found great difficulty in putting on
the furplice, which was an old fashioned one:
damn this old furplice, faid he to the clerk, I
think the devil is in it! the aftonifhed clerk
waited till the parfon had got it on, and then
farcaftically anfwered, I thinks as how a is Zir.
IN Suffolk black puddings made in guts are
are called links: once when King George II.
landed at Harwich, it was fo dark by the time
he reached Copeluck that lights were thought
neceffary: the harbinger or officer going be-
fore, enquired of the landlady of the inn, if the
had any flambeaux or could procure any? be-
ing anſwered in the negative, he asked her if
fhe had any links? Ay, that I have, faid fhe,
and fome as good as his Majeſty, God bleſs him,
ever eat in all his life.
DR. HALIFAX, when at the univerſity, was
known by the nick-name of Loufe, from his
courting the company of the Heads of Houfes.
A lover
192
ANECDOTES, &c.
A lover of mufic having bored a friend
who called on him, with a number of fonatas
and other pieces on the fiddle, obferved to his
friend, that they were all of them extremely
difficult; his friend, who did not love muſic,
drily replied, I wish they had been all impof-
fible.
•
DR. SHARP of Hart Hall, Oxford, had a
ridiculous manner of prefacing every thing he
faid with the words, I fay: an under-graduate
having, as the Doctor was informed, mimicked
him in this peculiarity, he fent for him to give
him a jobation, which he thus began; I fay,
they ſay, you ſay, I fay, I fay; when finding the
ridiculous combination in which his fpeech was
involved, he concluded by bidding him begone
to his room.
!
THE
ANECDOTES, &c.
193
THE Duke of Norfolk boafting to George
Selwyn of his eftates, many of which he had
mortgaged for part of the purchaſe money,
added, and what is more, they are all of my
own creation. George drily obferved to him,
that to make all perfect, there muſt be a re-
deemer as well as a creator.
A certain bruifing parfon, of the name of
Day, being examined at the Old Bailey on
fome point, the counfel, according to the lau-
dable cuſtom of the court, attempted to brow-
beat him; I think you are the bruifing parfon,
faid he; I am, anfwered the reverend divine,
and if you doubt it and will come out of court,
I will give it you under my hand.
DR. WILSON, a particular friend and ad-
mirer of Garrick's, was a great punſter; he one
day ſeeing Dr. Brocklesby coming into Batfon's
coffee-
R
194
ANECDOTES, &c.
coffee-houſe, then chiefly uſed by phyficians,
addreffed him by the name of Dr. Rock; to
which the Doctor objecting with fome warmth,
Wilfon undertook to prove it algebraically,
thus, Brock---leſs B--- that is, Brock without
the B--- which it cannot be denied is Rock,
9.
GEORGE SELWYN, feeing Calcraft and
Lord Granby fitting together on a bench in the
Park, addreffed the former thus; Date obolum
Belifario.
:
TAKE your nofe out of the way and
let me pafs, faid a young fpark to a quaker
with a large nofe: freely, anfwered the friend,
turning his nofe afide with his finger, fools
don't pay here.
D.
LIEUT. FORBES, of the royal regiment
of artillery, having, as he thought, difcovered
fome improvements on the mortar, caufed one
to
S
t
ANECDOTES, &c.
195
1
!
to be made; but as after feveral trials, it was
not found to anfwer, the Board of Ordnance
refuſed to pay for it; wherefore he had the
following motto engraved upon it:
Johannes Forbes, Aberdeenienfis,
Made this mortar at his own expences.
D.
AN Iriſhman explaining the reaſon why the
alphabet is called the Crifs-crofs Rowe, faid,
it was becauſe Chrift's crofs was prefixed at the
beginning and end of it.
Swe
AN Irishman fpeaking of the rapacity of
the clergy, in exacting their tythes, faid, by
Jafus let a farmer be ever fo poor, they
won't fail to make him pay their full tenths,
whether he can or not; nay, they would find it
in their hearts inftead of the tenth to take the
twentieth if the law would permit them.
R 2
AN
196
ANECDOTES, &c..
!
AN Iriſhman fpeaking of fuicide faid, the
only way to stop it was, by making it a capital
offence, punishable with death.
A gentleman obferved to Dr. Echard, that
in his treatiſe on the Caufes of the Contempt of
the Clergy, he had omitted one very material
one: What is that, afked the Doctor? The
good fenſe of the laity, answered the gen-
tleman.
•
THE firſt regiment of foot, or royal Scots,
are jocularly called Pontius Pilate's guards.----
A certain officer, very apt to cut his jokes, fee-
ing a very old ferjeant of that corps, during a
total
ANECDOTES, &c.
197
total eclipfe of the fun, drily aſked him, pray,
ferjeant, was it much darker than this at the
crucifixion?
COL. BODENS, who was very fat, being
accoſted by a man to whom he owed money,
with a how-d'ye ? anſwered, pretty well, I thank
you; you find I hold my own: yes, Sir, re-
joined the man, and mine too, to my forrow.
ONE ſpeaking of a very bad man, juſt dead,
concluded with faying, well, let us ſay no more
of him, he is now dead and at reft.-----No, by
G----d, anſwered a by-ftander, not at reſt,
unleſs the devil is dead too.
A lady dying, who was much given to ſcold-
ing, particularly at the fervants; her huſband
caufed
R 3
198
ANECDOTES, &c.
cauſed an atchievement to be put against his
houſe, under which was the following common,
motto, In Cælo quies. The coachman afked the
undertaker's apprentice the meaning of theſe
words, and on being informed it was there is
reft in heaven, anſwered, then I'm fure miſtreſs
be'ant there.
༠༢
AN Iriſhman angling in the rain, was ob
ferved to keep his line under the arch of a
bridge; upon being aſked the reaſon, he gave
the following anfwer: by Jafus all the fishes will
be after crouding there, in order to keep out
of the wet.
A jolly Bacchanalian, reproaching a fober
man for refufing his glafs, obferved, that he was
like a brute beaft, never drinking but when he
was thirsty, and then nothing but water.
NOT
ANECDOTES, &c.
199
NOTWITHSTANDING the many ſtories.
told of George Selwyn refpecting his fondneſs
for feeing capital executions, I was told by the
Rev. Dr. Warner, his particular friend, that there
was not the leaft foundation for any of them;
and that he doubted whether Mr. Selwyn ever
purpoſely went to three executions in his life.
AN Iriſh ſervant enquiring for Lieut. Palles,
among other defcriptions, added, he was either
nephew or niece to Col. Wilkinſon, he could
not tell which..
CAPTAIN Patrick Blake, well known for
his many bulls, was in reality a well-meaning
and religious man: once being in company
where fome young officers were talking lightly
on religious fubjects, he was obſerved to hear
them with apparent uneafineſs: at length one-
of
200
ANECDOTES, &c.
of them mentioning the devil in rather a ludi-
crous manner, he jumped out of his chair and
infifted on his leaving off that indecent diſcourſe,
fwearing by Jafus, the devil was an improper
fubject for their mirth, being the fourth perfon
in the Trinity.
}
A lady reproving a gentleman, during the late
hard froft, for fwearing, adviſed him to leave:
it off, faying it was a very bad habit: very true,
Madam, anfwered he, but at prefent it is too
cold to think of parting with any habit, be it
ever fo bad.
:D".
LIEUTENANT S----- being extremely ill
and almoft dead for want of reft, it was thought.
expedient to give him an opiate; whilst it was
preparing, his diforder being at a crifis, he fell
into a profound fleep; his friend and country-
man Lieut. A---- P----, who had attended him
with the moſt unremitting care, feeing the ftate
he
ANECDOTES, &c.
201
he was in, fhook him violently by the ſhoulder,
exclaiming, arrah my good friend, don't be after
fleeping now, but wait till you have taken your
Aleeping ſtuff!
LIEUTENANTS R------- and P------
being at Ringwood, entered into a difpute con-
cerning the proportion allowed the military out
of the produce of fimuggled goods, feized under
their protection: both agreed it was a moiety,
but how much a moiety was they could not tell;
after much altercation, it was agreed to decide
it by a bet, and a ferjeant was fent to Pool
on foot, being near twelve miles diftant, to aſk
the collector of the cuftoms whether a moiety
was a third or a fourth.
we
ENSIGN B---- an Irish officer in the Surry
regiment, overtaking fome ladies walking in the
Biſhop's park at Farnham, thus addreſſed them,
arrah,
202
ANECDOTES, &c.
arrah, ladies, by my foul I have been after fol-
lowing you this hour and could not meet you
before now.
MR. Fox, in his canvafs for Weftminster,
againſt Lord Hood and Sir Cecil Wray, in the
year 1784, applied to a butcher at one of the
markets; after making his bow, and telling his
name and bufinefs, the butcher preffed him to
walk in that he might introduce him to his wife.
and daughter, who had often wiſhed to fee him.
Mr. Fox faying he fhould be happy to pay his
refpects to the ladies, was ushered into a back
room, and formally introduced to the greafy fe-
males, whom he was defired by the butcher to
falute, which he having done with much cere-
mony, the butcher turned to him, ſaying, and
now, Sir, you have kiffed my wife, and you
have kiffed my daughter, you may alfo kifs
my a---e and begone, for I'll be damned if I
vote for you.
ASK-
ANECDOTES, &c.
203
ASKING another perfon for his vote, he
received the following anfwer----I admire your
head, but damn your heart: to which Mr. Fox
replied, I approve your candour, but damn
your manners.
DURING the poll a dead cat being thrown
on the huftings, one of Sir Cecil Wray's party
obferved it ftunk worſe than a fox:----to which
Mr. Fox replied, there was nothing extraordi-
nary in that, confidering it was a poll-cat.
IN May 1784, a bill, intended to limit the
privilege of franking, was fent from Ireland for
the royal approbation: in it was a claufe enact-
ing, that any member who, from illneſs or other
cauſe, ſhould be unable to write, might authoriſe
fome
204
ANECDOTES, &c.
fome other perfon to frank for him, provided,
that on the back of the letter fo franked, the
member doth, at the fame time, give under his
hand a full cerdiûcate of his inability to write.
O
IN another bill for pulling down the Old New-
gate at Dublin, and re-building it on the fame
fpot, in which the old materials were to be
employed, it was enacted, that to prevent uſeleſs
expence, the prifoners remain in the Old New-
gate, till the new one was finiſhed.
LIEUTENANTS B---- and D---- being
at Portſmouth, and talking of the gallant de-
fence made by a Spanish frigate then juft taken
and brought into that port: a difpute arofe
whether it was thirteen men out of fifteen, or
fifteen out of thirteen that were killed at one
gun on which they referred to one of their
countrymen ftanding by; who answered, he
would
ANECDOTES, c.
205
would not be pofitive which of the two it was,
but believed the latter.
THE Rev. Mr. Newman of Froyle, having
written an acroftick on Mifs Hurft, one of the
Farnham beauties, Enfign B---- begged leave
to copy it, faying, he would prefent it to Mifs
Bever, as an acroftick of his own compofition,
made upon her.
THE fame gentleman, having received a
letter from Ireland, informing him, that his
mother who was a widow, had married again,
went in great perturbation of mind to Captain
G-----, faying, blood and oons! there's that B.
my mother, is married again; I hope fhe won't
have a fon older than me, for by Jafus if the
has I fhall be cut out of the eftate!
S
IN
206
ANECDOTES, &c.
IN the year 1790, when the Lord Chancellor
Thurlow was ſuppoſed on no very friendly terms
with the miniſter, Mr. Pitt; a friend afking the
latter, how Thurlow drew with them? I don't
know, fays the premier, how he draws, but he
has not yet refuſed his oats.
A drummer of the 104th regiment executing
his duty on an Irish recruit, who was to receive
a certain number of lafhes; the fellow, as is
cuſtomary, cried out, "ftrike high, ftrike
high" the drummer, who was alſo an Iriſhman,
defirous of obliging his countryman, did as he
was requeſted; but the ſufferer ſtill continuing
to roar out through pain, the drummer was of
fended----" the devil burn you," quoth he,
"there is no pleaſing you, ftrike where one will.
SKETCHES
SKETCHES, &c.
207
•�
SKETCHES OF THE TIMES.
Several of thefe are in the manner of Mercier's
Tableau de Paris.
LONDON.
LONDON is of all places the moſt convenient
and retired for a man of fmall fortune; there
every fort of neceſſary is to be had in the ſmalleſt
quantities; and provided a man has a clean
ſhirt and three pence in his pocket, he may talk
as loud in the coffee-houfe as the 'fquire of ten
thouſand pounds a year. No one aſks how he
lives or where he dined: it is not ſo in the coun-
try; your neighbours wanting that conftant
fupply of news or amuſement to be had in
a great city, buſy themſelves in the minuteſt
enquiries, not only fcrutinizing into the birth,
S 2
parentage,
208
SKETCHES, &c.
parentage, education, and fortune, of their neigh-
bours, but even retailing the articles of their
daily houſekeeping; infomuch that at the little
chandler's fhop in every village, it is exactly
known how many eggs each inhabitant had in
his laſt Sunday's pudding.
VISITING.
IN polite vifiting it feerns an implied contract
that the parties fhall not meet: a very fine lady
at ftated times fends round her empty chair
attended by her footmen to leave her cards at
the houſes of thofe who ftand on her vifiting
lift they, in their turn, repay her in like coin,
both on thofe occafions ordering their fervants.
to deny them; that is, to ſay they are not at
home; a circumftance fo ufual, that an innocent
country boy, fervant to an eminent taylor, who
had been chid for telling truth in going to the
door, would not answer whether his miſtreſs was
at home or not till he had afked her.
WHEN a fine lady gives a route, and has
affembled a multitude of perfons, whofe coaches
and
SKETCHES, &c.
209
and chairs block up the ftreet, it is then that ſhe
takes an opportunity of vifiting her friends; this
ſhe does to fhew her fuperiority to vulgar cuf-
toms, as low-bred people have the fooliſh no-
tion, that when they have invited company, it is
neceffary to ſtay at home to entertain them.
Indeed, as at a polite route there are generally
more perſons than can be properly noticed by
the lady, it is beft to ſpeak to none.
AMONG inferior perfons, routes and card
parties are meetings for the benefit of the mif-
treſs of the houſe, who, out of the card money
not only repays all her expences, but alſo puts
fomething confiderable into her pocket. It is
inonceivable how low this practice of giving
routes defcends; I have known a lady living up
two pair of ſtairs in a lodging, have routes.
weekly, at which fhe has had more than thirty
people, in a couple of rooms, each about twelve
feet ſquare and one of them ſomewhat incum-
bred with a bed.
S 3
CRIES
210
SKETCHES, &c.
CRIES OF LONDON.
THE variety of cries uttered by the retailers
of different articles in the ftreets of London,
make no inconfiderable part of its novelty to
ftrangers and foreigners: an endeavour to guefs
at the goods they deal in, through the medium
of language, would be a vain attempt, as few
of them convey any articulaté found; a good
ear will be of more ufe than a knowledge of all
the languages fpoken at the confufion of Babel,
as it is by their tune and the time of day the
modern cries of London are to be difcrimi-
nated.
SOME trades have, from time immemorial,
affumed the uſe of inftrumental affiftance; fuch
as pie, poft, and duft men, who ring a bell;
the fow gelder blows a horn.
MILK is generally notified by the word
mew, except by one wench whofe walk was in
the environs of Soho-fquare. Her note was an
inarticulate
SKETCHES, &c.
217
inarticulate ſcream, feemingly uttered as if her
pofteriors were then actually piercing by a
cobler's awl.
ILLUMINATIONS.
HUZZA! liberty, liberty, for ever, huzza?
put out your lights, put out your lights, ex-
claims a mob met to teftify their approbation
of the behaviour of a man who has, perhaps,
infulted the religion, laws, and government of
his country. Thefe advocates for liberty think
it right to force a poor tradefman to burn half a
dozen pounds of candles, which he cannot afford
to purchaſe, and if he has them not in the houſe,
nor can procure credit for them, why then, out
of their love for the liberty of the fubject, they
inftantly break him five pounds worth of win-
dows, which probably in the end procure him
a lodging in a goal,
BEGGARS.
212
SKETCHES, &c.
BEGGAR S.
THERE is not a greater reproach to the po-
lice of this town, than the number of beggars
with which every ftreet fwarms. Befides the
regular ftands, which may, in the military fenfe,
be confidered as pofts, the streets are patrolled
by a variety of irregulars. Many beggars ex-
tort charities by practifing Faquir-like voluntary
aufterities and cruelties on themſelves; I have
feen, during the fharpeft froft, one of thefe
wretches lying fhivering on the fteps of a
houſe, almoſt naked, his fleſh feemingly froft-
bitten, and expofed to the open air; or a woman,
with two or three infants hanging about her,
apparently dying by the rigour of the feafon. In
theſe cafes, ought not the parish officers to take
notice of fuch objects, and if really in diftrefs,
to fuccour them, or if vagrants and impoftors, to
bring them to condign puniſhment; as thoſe
very children, thus educated, ferve to carry on
the fucceffion of thieves and vagabonds.
IT
SKETCHES, &c.
213
Ir is amazing to obferve the induſtry of rogues
to avoid being honeft; I have known an inge-
nious villain beftow as much time and pains in
plating a half crown, as, if exerted in an honeſt
way, would have earned three fhillings.
BESIDES begging, there are various methods
of levying contributions on the public; a
very common one is for two or three ſturdy
fellows, after a froft, when the ftreets begin to
thaw, to block up the kennel fo as to caufe an
inundation or overflowing near a croffing, over
which they lay a board, and with brooms in
their hands extort a halfpenny each from every
paffenger. Here again the police is to blame;
it being the duty of the fcavengers to keep the
streets and croffings clean and paffable.
SWEEPERS of the croffings in wet weather are
another fpecies of beggars whoſe exiſtence is
founded on the non-performance of duty in the
ſcavengers, when the ftreets are very dirty this
is paying for fomething; but theſe ſweepers are
generally as importunate when the ways are
dry and good as in the moft dirty and miry
ftate.
THE beggars of this metropolis may be divided
into cripples, blind men, old men, women, and
children, ſweepers, match girls, ballad fingers;
and
214
SKETCHES, &c.
and in winter, fham watermen, fiſhermen, and
gardeners.
Or cripples there are divers forts, fome fo
from their cradles, fuch as the man who uſed to
crawl upon all-fours; another whoſe lower parts
were contained in a kind of porridge pot.----
Theſe people may be faid to have very good
perfonal eſtates, their miſerable appearances
melting the moſt obdurate hearts into charity.
MUTILATED foldiers or failors, a wooden
leg or a ſtump hand, holding out the hat, fre-
quently is more perfuafive than the moft me-
lancholy tone of voice.
FORMERLY men who pretended their tongues
were cut out by the Algerines, got a pretty
good livelihood; but this mode of exciting
compaffion is now out of fashion.
VAGRANT IMPOSTORS.
Look at thoſe wretched fellows dragging
along their fishing boat, decked with the infignia
of mourning: the froft has totally fhut up the
element by which they earned their fcanty
main-
SKETCHES, &c.
215
maintenance. Thoſe are undoubtedly proper ob-
jects of charity particularly in this maritime
country, where the fiſheries ferve as a nurſery
to our fleets, furniſhing them with a number
of the hardieft failors. All this is very good,
anſwered a bye ſtander, to one who uttered theſe
fentiments, on ſeeing a parcel of ſturdy vaga-
bonds drawing about a boat hung with mourn-
ing, and with a tumultuous cry, demanding and
extorting charity from all paffengers: all this is
very fine, continued he, but how do you know
thoſe fellows are fiſhermen? In fact the contrary
is the cafe, and to-morrow they will be begging
as gardeners.
PRAY obferve that poor woman, with thoſe
two helpless babes half naked, ſtarving on the
ſteps of that great houfe, is fhe an object of
charity, think you? None at all; in all likeli-
hood one or both of theſe children are hired by
the day or week, for the purpoſe of exciting
charity--at beſt the beggar is a profeffional
one.
GRAVE-
216
SKETCHES, &c.
1
GRAVE-ROBBER S.
HERE lies, in hopes of a joyful refurrection,
the body of A. B. or C. D.---this we read on
every tombstone, though perhaps not true of
one in ten they are, however, not deprived
of the hope expreffed in their epitaphs, being
raiſed, not by the found of the laſt trumpet,
but by thofe jackalls to anatomifts called Re-
furrection Men.
THE numbers of dead bodies hacked to pieces
by furgeons are fcarcely credible; but it is fo
great that undertakers generally recommend
two or three churchyards as more fafe than
others; indeed furgeons are not the only pur-
chafers of dead bodies: the keepers of muſeums
of wild beaſts, are fuppofed to confume many of
them, and to fave the furgeons the difagreeable
labour of re-interring the mangled bodies after
they have done with them; by this means an
Alderman, that was never out of the found of Bow
Bell, equally runs the rifque of finding his tomb in
the
SKETCHES, &c.
217
the bowels of tigers, lions, and crocodiles, with
a man who indents to ferve the Eaft-India or
Royal African Companies.
PARISH-JOBBING.
Look up at the infcription on that venerable
building, defaced with plafter; what does it re-
cord?" Beautified by Samuel Smears and Da-
niel Daub, church-wardens." And ſo theſe
honest gentlemen call difguifing that fine old
ftone building with a thick coat of lime and
hair, or whitewash, beautifying it: what is the
hiſtory of all this? why the plain matter of fact
is, that every parish officer thinks he has a right
to make a round bill on the parish during his
year of power: an apothecary phyficks the
poor; a glazier, firſt in cleaning, breaks the
church windows, and afterwards mends them,
or at leaſt charges for it; a painter repairs the
commandments, puts new coats on Mofes and
Aaron, gilds the organ pipes, and dreffes the
little cherubims about the loft as fine as ver-
T
milion,
218
SKETCHES, &c.
milion, Pruffian blue, and Dutch gold can make
them. The late church-wardens were a filver-
fmith and a woollen-draper; the filver-fmith new-
faſhioned the communion plate; and the draper
new-clothed the pulpit, and put freſh curtains
to the windows. All this might be modeftly done
were they not to infult the good ſenſe of every
beholder with their beautified: fhame on them!
COACHES.
LOGICIANS hold, that the minor is included
in the major; our legiflators, in forming the
hackney-coach laws, have determined the con-
trary. The fare of a coach from any of the
Inns of Court to Weftminfter Hall, is one
fhilling, and four barrifters or attorneys, with
their bags may be transferred from Gray's or
Thavies Inn, to that place, for three pence
each; but ſhould thofe worthies attempt to
convey their corpora from Gray's-inn Lane to
Great George-ftreet, Mr. Jehu, the coachman,
would levy eighteen pence on them: the reaſon
is, the gentlemen of the long robe, in forming
theſe fares, took care to fix fuch as particularly
regarded
SKETCHES, &c.
219
regarded themſelves, at a low price; theſe were
ſpecified in the body of the act of parliament;
all other diſtances are determined by menfu-
ration.
A coachman is liable to puniſhment for not
having a check-ftring; but it was not till long
after that regulation, that the law obliged him
to take hold of it. A coachman may likewiſe
have with impunity, broken windows, that ad-
mit the wintry blaſt into the neck of an invalid;
or a ſtep inſufficient to fupport the weight of a
corpulent man, and liable by breaking, to frac-
ture a leg or a thigh.
If the hackney coaches are thus badly regu-
lated, how much worſe are thofe travelling the
ſhort ſtages, near the metropolis, who are nei-
ther by law or intereft, fubject to any regulations.
at all. The coachman, more abfolute than the
Grand Turk, thruſts into his coach as much live
lumber as it will hold, and at his difcretion loads
the outfide till the centre of gravity riſes ſo high
as to make the coach liable to overſet on the
Alighteſt inequality of ground: and thus criti-
cally balanced, fo as to require the utmoſt
caution and attention, if that great man chufes
to get almoſt blind drunk, who ſhall prevent
him? or if, in confequence of fuch drunkenneſs,
T 2
he
t
220
SKETCHES, &c.
he breaks the legs and arms of half a ſcore
paffengers, how is he to be puniſhed, and indeed
what recompence will it be to the ſufferers fup-
pofing he was? It would be much better to
prevent the accident.
SOME years ago, two or three odd fufty coun-
try gentlemen, who abfurdly conceived it im-
proper, that a ftage coachman fhould, without
their confent, rifk the limbs and lives of a
fcore of his majefty's liege fubjects at his will
and pleaſure, and for his profit, brought a bill
into parliament, for reſtraining, in ſome meaſure,
the power and avarice of that mighty man of
the whip; it was thrown out by a great majo-
rity. What fignifies it, how many of the ca-
naille are crippled? no gentleman rides in a
ftage coach. Beſides the ufual paffengers, con-
veyed in theſe vehicles, the coachman ekes out
his profits by carrying down in a hamper, the
body of fome executed criminal, for the uſe of
young furgeons of the village; a felon from
Newgate, under the efcort of a couple of thief
takers, to his trial at Kingſton, Croydon, or fome
of the neighbouring affizes; or an inoculated
patient, covered with puftules or fcabs. It fig-
nifies nothing to object; from the authority of
the coachman there is no appeal,
I have
SKETCH E S, &c.
221
I have heard of an itinerant fhowman, who
conveyed a fick tiger cat as an infide paſſenger,
in the ſtage coach, from Conway to Holyhead;
but this was done with the confent of the paf-
fengers, fraudulently obtained for the faid tiger
cat, under the denomination of Mifs Jenny. I
fhall not infift on it as an inftance againſt the
· driver.
In long ftages, the tyranny of the coachman
fhews itſelf in different inſtances. Firſt, in ſet-
ting off, if a paffenger, who has paid earneſt,
is not at the inn preciſely to the moment, Mr.
Coachman frequently takes it into his head to
drive off and leave him behind; but if an out-
fide paffenger, a fervant of the inn, or any fuch
important or privileged perfon, chufes to finiſh
his pot or quartern at his leiſure, the company
are detained half an hour, or more, till it fuits
him to fet off; or perhaps if Mr. Coachman,
having over-flept himſelf in the arms of Betty the
chambermaid, is not ready to mount till half an
hour after his time, it is all very well; any re-
prefentations, tending to haften him, are heard.
with the utmoſt contempt.
Ar dinner time, which is generally chofen
as foon after, and as near the place of break-
faſting as poſſible, no fooner are the paffengers
I 3
fet
222
SKETCHES, &c.
::
fet down to their twice-roafted leg of mutton,
but the coachman attends to inform them he is
ready, and in a few minutes repeats his fum-
mons in a peremptory tone. Notwithſtanding
this apparent haſte, he will ſtop for an hour at
any of his cuftomary houſes of call till he has
fmoked a pipe or two, and retailed all the ſcan-
dal of the neighbouring inns. On changing
coachmen, although the bills fay nothing is to be
demanded by them, yet if you do not regularly
fee them every time, you will be grofsly abufed,
without a chance of redrefs.
CHURCH-YARD S.
FORMERLY few perfons chofe be buried on
the north fide of a church; the original rea-
fon was this: in the times when the Roman
Catholic religion prevailed, it was cuſtom-
ary, on feeing the tombstone or grave of a
friend or acquaintance, to put up a prayer for
their foul, which was held to be very efficacious.
As the common entrance into moft churches
was either at the weft end, or on the fouth fide
of the church, perfons buried on the north fide
eſcaped
SKETCHES, &c.
223
eſcaped the notice of their friends, and thereby
loft the benefit of their prayers. This becom-
ing a kind of refuſe ſpot, only very poor, or
perfons guilty of fome offence, were buried
there perfons who, actuated by lunacy, had
deſtroyed themſelves, were buried on this fide,
and fometimes out of the eaft and weft direc-
tion of the other graves. This is faid to be
alluded to in Hamlet, where he bids the grave-
digger cut Ophelia's grave ftraight. The fame
was obſerved with refpect to perfons who were
executed.
OBSERVE the yew tree, in many church-
yards they are of a prodigious fize. Some have
ſuppoſed that yew trees were planted in church-
yards in order to fupply the pariſh with bow
ſtaves, but more probably it was from the yew
being an evergreen, and conveying an allufion
to the immortality of the foul, and therefore
confidered as a funereal plant. This reafon is
likewife given for the uſe of roſemary and rue;
but probably theſe were carried to prevent any
infection from the open grave on a near approach
to the coffin.
In many church-yards there were anciently
curious croffes, finely carved; the baſes or fuſts
of many are ſtill remaining.
THE
224
SKETCHES, &c.
THE entrance into many church-yards has a
covering, or kind of fmall roof; here the mi-
nifter waits to receive a corpfe fuch a one is
to be feen at Bexley and Erith, &c.
SEE the east end of the chancel, whether round
or otherwife: round chancels are in general-
marks of great antiquity.
Look over the great weft door; on each
fide of it are often the arms of the founder: the
dates of repairs by church-wardens are frequently
infcribed on ftones near this and the fouth door..
•D.
RIDING DOUBLE.
THERE is no fpecies of horfemanſhip that has
bettered the fortunes of fo many poor men, as-
that of riding before a lady on a double horſe;
it gives a man an opportunity of ſhewing at
once the two qualities moft admired by the la-
dies, vigour and tendernefs. For this purpoſe,
the more ſtiff and erect he rides, the better, as
it will give the lady the better idea of her ſafety.
The vulgar appendage of a leather belt is un-
neceffary, and reflects no honour on the lady's
fkill:
3 KETCHES, &c.
225
fkill: in cafe of danger, there will be more
fafety in holding faft by his waiſt or the pom-
mel of the faddle, particularly as ladies are moft
apt to fall backwards. If the lady rides for any
diforder, frequent queftions as to her health,
and how ſhe likes the pace they are going, will
afford a youth of any genius an opportunity of
diſplaying his tendernefs and politenefs. By an
attention to this art, Mr. Patrick O'Whack, a
native of Ireland, obtained his miſtreſs, the wi-
dow Lackman, of Lawrence-Pounteney-Hill;
who, through too fevere grief for the lofs of
her huſband, apprehended a decline! fhe was
recommended to ride on horſeback, but not
having been uſed to ride fingle, was mounted
behind Mr. Patrick; the lady being fearful
required a man ftiff in the faddle, as fudden
jerks and ſtarts would have difmounted one not
fo well qualified.
ANOTHER lady, Mifs Catharine Stote, aged
about twenty-nine, afflicted with a violent chlorofis
or green ſickneſs, being adviſed to ride behind a
man, on a hard trotting horſe, choſe a young fel-
low who had been a trooper in the Carabineers;
who, by his excellent riding, and great attention,
fo prevailed on her affections, that one morn-
ing,
226
ECLOGUE.
ing, inſtead of their ufual ride from Richmond
to Brentford, they took the road to Gretna
Green, where the blackfmith linked them to-
gether.
WHITE-HALL ECLOGUE.*
NEAR that great edifice, the Horfe-guards-
call'd,
Whofe difproportion'd parts wage cruel war
With every rule of tafte and architecture;
Where, coop'd within the overshadowing niche,
In all the foppery of fierce parade,
* This laughable parody on the Eclogues of Theocritus,
Virgil, Pope, and other paftoral poets, appears to have been
written before the reformation of the horſe-guards. This
corps was then upon a very different footing; moſt of the
privates purchaſed their fituations, which though not very
lucrative, partook very much of the nature of a finecure.—
They had no duty but guard-mounting once a fortnight, and
this they were at liberty to perform by deputy. In general
they were connected with fome kind of bufinefs, and feveral
kept little fhops in Weſtminſter: hence their difcipline was
extremely defective, and they were not a little obnoxious to
ridicule.
With
E CLOGU E.
227
With well-ftuff'd paunches, and with well-
black'd boots,
Leaving their fhops, their bars, and warehouſes,
Fearleſs of gout and cold, the brave life-guards
Brandifh their fwords, guiltlefs of human gore:
What time the female tonfors had mow'd down,
With bufy fingers, all the briſtly beards
Of the coal-heaving youths, ready to mount,
And with well-powder'd chalk, whitened their
heads,
Like froſted plum-cake, glory of Twelfth-day;
When frying faufages, with favoury fteams,
Began to tantalize th' olfactory nerves
Of pennyleſs foldiers, and the choice diſplay
Of apples, nuts, and gingerbread, had drawn
Water in all the paffing fchool-boys chops.
By chance, two foldier youths, one Blufter
nam'd,
A front-rank grenadier, the other Scamper
Of the light-infantry; † together met-----
*Coal-beaving youths.-The foldiers of the foot-guards,
many of whom, when off duty, follow that laborious employ-
ment.
This is an inftance of the licentia poetica, affumed for
the fake of contraft. From the whole tenor of this burleſque
paftoral, the two leading perfons are fuppofed to be foldiers
in the foot-guards: yet the guards have no light companies.
When
228
E CLOGUE.
When fhaking hands, and in a friendly guife,
Blaſting each other's eyes, they thus began.
B. What bundle's that you in your bofom hide,
Is it fome prog that you have made to-day?
S. They're duds, which to the pop-ſhop I
am carrying,
My ſhirt and ſhoes, that I may raife the wind,
And treat my Peg at Aftley's, or at Hughes's.
B. Should you be caught, you know the con-
fequence-----
*
That the ſpread eagle is your certain lot:
Your Peg is fure not worth ſo great a riſk.
5. Speak not with fuch contempt of lovely Peg';
Our regiment has not fo fine a blowen; †
Nor all the feven battalions fuch a mot.
B. I'll lay a pot that I can fhew a better--
Fair fhe may be, but not compar'd to Nan;
* Spread eagle.-This is a cant term among foldiers, and
is meant to deſcribe the fituation of a man who is tied up to
the halberts, to receive the punishment inflicted with a cat of
nine tails.
† Blowen.-The explanation of this term in GROSE'S
DICTIONARY OF THE VULGAR TONGUE, is, the mif-
trefs of a gentleman of the fcamp, or of a highwayman, or
footpad: here it may be understood, either by metonymy,
or literally, as the reader chufes.
‡ Mot, or mort, is, in the fame dictionary explained, a
girl or wench.
Whofe
ECLOGUE.
229
Whofe qualities exceed defcription's power!
And for their perfons, they in the fame day
Ought not, in common juftice, to be nam'd!
S. Done, I ſhould ſay, altho' it was a gallon,
That Peg's a better and a fairer piece.*
B. As well might center with the front rank vie,
Or the battalion with the grenadiers-----
But yonder's Bruſh, the drum---let him be judge,
Alternate we'll relate our doxies charms,
And in addition to the bet we've laid,
A gill of lightning † fhall reward the victor.
S. Peg, as a halbert ftiff, is ftraight and tall,
Her hair, black as my pouch, when freſh japan'd;
Her pouting lips, red as an enfign's faſh,
When mounting his firft guard----her ſkin as
white
:
* Picce. This expreffion might rather have come from
the mouth of one of their officers, with whom it is not un-
common it is pretty generally underſtood, though certainly
not in the ſenſe in which the lady of the late General G―ge
conceived it-who, when complimented in a large company
at Bofton, of which town fhe was a native, on her beauty,
declined the compliment, by faying, that he did not like
flattery-being confcious that ſhe was far from handfome,
and nothing beyond what the gentlemen of the regiment
called a good piece.
lity.
Lightning.-Engliſh gin; fo called from its fiery qua-
U
As
ECLOGUE.
230
As fhirt, when wash'd, or gaiter drefs'd for duty:
And then ſo faithful to the company,
That not a whole week's pay would, fober,
tempt her
To facrifice her virtue to another.
If drunk fhe fometimes errs, 'tis on the liquor,
And not on her, that we fhould fix the blame.
B. Short, round, and fubfey, is my gentle Nan,
Her kindneſs univerfal to the corps;
She never lets a foldier fue in vain;
What nature gave, freely will fhe difpenfe;
And on a march, from none doth fhe withhold
Her ever-ready bottle; but on credit
Diſpoſes of her gin thro' all the ranks.
S. Laſt month, when I was at the halberts
flogg'd,
Straight to the guard-houſe came my pretty Peg,
A full canteen of royal gin ſhe brought;
Part bath'd my back, and part rejoic'd my heart:
Tearing her fmock, with it fhe ftaunch'd my
wounds!
That fmock that heal'd my back, inflam'd my
heart!
B. When laſt our neceffaries were review'd,
A ſhirt and hoſe I'd at my uncle's * lodg'd.
*My uncle's.-The pawnbroker's.
The
ECLOGUE.
231
The guard-houfe, and the cat of nine tails then
Seem'd unavoidable; but generous Nan
From off a neighb'ring hedge fupply'd my want!
Poor girl! he got in trouble by the act---
`But fmacking calf-fkin to an alibi,
I ferv'd her in her turn, and brought her off.
S. If ever I Peg's kindneſs do forget,
May I be doom'd to an eternal drill;
And when unto the halberts I am brought,
May I be flogg'd by a left-hand drum.
B. When I leave Nan in the vile Harman's t
hands,
Or e'er her love forget, may ev'ry day
Prove a review; or when the galling cat
Harrows my bloody back, then may
I want
The comfort of a bullet for to chew.
S. In fummer Peg a wheelbarrow does drive,
And currants, plums, and cherries, cries for ſale ;
Herfelf more fweet and luſcious than her fruit.
In winter, on the quay at Billinfgate
She oysters buys; and Petty France refounds
With her ſweet notes, as the retails them out.
* Smacking calf-fkin.-Kiffing the prayer-book in taking
an oath.
Harman.-The cant term for conftable.
し
​U 2
B. Not
232
ECLOGUE.
B. Not fo my Nan: by mufick ſhe fubfiſts;
Of Johnny Wilkes, and other patriots,
Chaunting the praiſe in piercing nafal notes.
Barb'rous and bloody murders too fhe cries,
With dying fpeeches, birth and parentage,
Of thofe advent'rous youths, who make their exit
At fair of Paddington, or fall o'the leaf,
Dancing on nothing at the Sheriff's ball.*
Drum. Halt, both :---to neither can I judge
the prize;
Equal your ftrains.---And now to the parade
I ſtraight muſt go, rous'd by the drummer's call.
*Sheriff's ball.-An execution.-To dance at the fheriff's
ball, and loll one's tongue out at the company-to be hanged.
Parody
PARODY.
233
Parody on the Indian Death Song.
THE capons are good, and the gooſe has
his day,
Yet the hog from them both bears our praiſes
away;
Begin then to reckon how much we may gain,
If to twenty-five ſtone our pig ſhould attain.
Remember the price that he coft at the fair,
Remember the peaſe that were bought for him
there;
`But fince theſe have not been beſtowed in vain,
A lover of bacon fhould fcorn to complain.
Remember the acorns he eat on each day,
And the waſh from our dairy, by John fetch'd
away;
{
See the coft rifes faft----now let's think of the
gain,
For at fourpence a pound there's no room to
complain.
U 3
He
234
EPIGRAMS.
}
He goes to the ſhop where his father is gone,
Whoſe weight by five fcore did not equal his fon;
Of his puddings and chit'lings at market the gain.
Will leave to his owner no cauſe to complain,
He's fold to the factor, who purchas'd his fire,
And more of the breed does at all times defire;
He deals like a chapman, nor envies our gain,
And leaves us no room to grudge or complain,
EPIGRAMS.
Written by a gentleman attending at the Secretary
of State's office.
IN fore affliction, tried by God's commands,
Of patience Job the great example ſtands:.
But in thefe days, a trial more ſevere
Had been Job's lot, if God had fent him here.
ON
EPIGRAMS.
235
On a Scotch Prefbyterian.
AN old Scotch Prefbyterian, four and fly,
The Lord preferve me always us'd to cry:
To whom a buxom wench did jeering fay,
Preferving you, were fugar thrown away:
Preferves are ever made of fweeteft fruits;
With your four nature vinegar beſt ſuits:
Alter therefore your prayer, and from this day.
Good Lord, pray pickle me, in future fay.
:。་
On the drummers of the Westminster militia beating
a long time before their Colonel's quarters.
MY lads, your Colonel I fear
Will near be waked by drumming,
Ring the bar bell, he'll ſtraight appear,
With coming, gemmen, coming!
*
*He formerly kept a tavern.
On
236
EPIGRAMS.
On a violent difpute between two musicians.
SWEET Tweedledum, dear Tweedledee,
Ye fons of cat-gut, pray agree;
Strange 'twixt two fiddlers there fhould be
So great a want of harmony.
Swe
ROBERT complained much one day
That Frank had ta'en his character away:
I take your character, fays Frank, G-d z---s,
I would not have it for ten thousand pounds!
Advice to a Lady.
FOR venery too old---leave off that fin;
Speak truth, and put fome water in your gin.
On
EPIGRAMS.
237
On Mr. George Gipps, late an apothecary at Can-
terbury, and Mr. Taylor, paper-maker of Maid-
ftone, being returned members of Parliament.
WHEN the freemen of Canterbury made
George Gipps their choice,
Thofe of Maidftone as free gave Squire Tay-
lor their voice;
And each voter avowed he took this reſolution,
As the beſt way to fave England's fick confti-
tution;
For Gipps he might purge her from all ills that
betide,
And Taylor find paper to wipe her b-ck--de.
On
238
EPIGRAMS.
ON A PARSO N:
FROM
LILLY's GRAM MAR.
Bifrons, cuftos---Bos, fur, fus, atque facerdos.
BIFRONS---not living as he preaches,
Cuftos---of all that in his reach is;
Bos---when among his neighbours' wives,
Fur---while he's gathering of his tythes;
Sus---fitting at a pariſh feaſt,
Sacerdos---laft, a finiſh'd prieſt.
0
EPIGRAMS.
239
On feeing an officer fantastically dreffed.
'TIS faid that our foldiers fo lazy are grown,
With luxury, plenty, and eaſe,
That they more for their carriage than courage
are known,
And ſcarce know the uſe of a piece.
Let them fay what they will, fince it nobody galls,
And exclaim out ftill louder and louder,
But there ne'er was more money expended in
balls,
Or a greater confumption of powder.
gure
D
On a Lady who Squinted.
IF ancient poets Argus prize,
Who boaſted of an hundred eyes,
Sure greater praiſe to her is due,
Who looks an hundred ways with two.
On
240
EPIGRAMS.
On Mrs. Fury.
TO look like an angel the ladies believe,
Is the greateſt of bleffings that heaven can give,
But faith, they're miſtaken; for nymphs, I affure,
you,
Its a far greater bleffing to look like a Fury.
EPIGRAMME.
DAMON n'aime que lui; je ny vois aucun
mal;
Pouvoit il mieux choifir, pour etre fans rival?
Tranflation.
DAMON loves but himſelf, no great harm in
my mind,
No choice could be better, for no rival he'll find.
Another verfion.
TO Damon's felf his love's confin'd, no harm
therein I fee;
This happineſs attends his choice, unrivall'd he
will be.
EPI
EPIGRAMS.
241
EPIGRAMM E.
CHLORIS eft avare, Chloris aime l'argent;
Elle achete fon teint, la refte elle le vend.
Tranflation.
SALL is ftingy, and loves to hoard money
full well; ;
Her complexion fhe buys, all the reft fhe will fell.
On a friend of the author's, and a brother anti-
quary, who went from the army into the church.
AN antiquarian born, a foldier bred,
I damn'd the living, and dug up the dead:
Japann'd, I now my former fteps re-tread;
I bleſs the living, and inter the dead.
X
The
·242
EPIGRAMS.
The following verfes are the work of an ancient
Spanish poet.
ERES puta tan artera,
Qu'en el ventre de tu madre,
Tu cumiſtes de manera,
Que te cavalgne el padre.
༩༩
Degrees of fwearing.
IN elder time, an ancient cuſtom was,
In mighty matters to fwear by the mafs;
But when the mafs was down, as old men note,
Then fwore they by the croſs of the grey groate;
And when the crofs was likewife held in fcorn,
Then faith and troth were all the oaths were
fworn:
But when they had out-wore all faith and troth,
Then as God d-mme was the common oath,
*See Nell Gwyn, by Rocheſter.
So
EPIGRAMS.
243
So cuſtom kept decorum by gradation,
Mafs, croſs, faith, troth, out-fworn---then came
damnation !
On the fair fex.*
WOMEN are dainty veffels,
Yet tender, weak, and foft:
They muſt fometimes be born withal,
Since they do bear fo oft.
*This, like feveral others, in the preſent collection, is an
old epigram. From the quaintnefs of the expreffion we
fhould date it as far back as the fixteenth century, or the
beginning of the feventeenth; when from fovereign autho-
rity a play on words was received as genuine wit.
X 2
OBSER-
244
OBSERVATIONS, &C.
OBSERVATIONS
ON
DIFFERENT SUBJECTS.
On the advertisements in the public newspapers.*
ALTHOUGH the great increaſe of know-
ledge in this kingdom is in general known,
yet few who live remote from the capital are
able
→ The author had, among his various collections, pre-
ferved all the curious advertiſements that fell into his hands,
for a ſeries of years, particularly thofe of empyrics and other
impoftors, who, through the venality of the prefs, and in
many inftances to the reproach of our police, prey upon the
public, and draw large contributions from ignorant or de-
luded individuals. When he had got together a fufficient
number, Mr. Hooper published them in the form of a pam-
phlet, to which this article was the preface. The pamphlet.
Was
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
245
able to form an adequate idea of the vaſt im-
provements made within this century, not only
in the more abftruſe ſciences, but alſo in the
arts and conveniences of life; for the truth of
which affertion, I appeal to the numerous adver-
tiſements in our daily papers, and other public
notices, wherein thoſe diſcoveries not only
ſtand uncontroverted by the police, but alſo in
many inftances confirmed and in a manner at-
teſted by letters patent; circumſtances that could
not happen in a well-governed city, if not
founded on truth, particularly as many of the
medical improvements may materially affect
the healths and even the lives of his majeſty's
liege fubjects; added to which, the fceptical
difpofition of the prefent race, fo much com-
plained of by divines, would not long fuffer
fuch pretenfions, if falfe, to remain undetected.
Juſtice here makes it neceffary to obſerve and
commend the ſpirit of philanthropy reigning.
was entitled A Guide to Health, Beauty, Riches, and Honour.
As it is now out of print, and is not to be re-published, the
editor thinks that the preface, for the pleaſantry with which
it is written, no less than for the juftnefs and good tendency
of the fatire, is worth being preferved; and that it will form
no unintereſting part of this medley.
X 4
among
246
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
among the feveral ingenious profeffors of the
different arts, fciences and callings, who, like
Mr. Aſhley the punch-maker on Ludgate-hill,
and that fecond Taliacotius Mr. Patence, fur-
geon by birth, dentiſt, and dancing-mafter, do
not confult their own emolument, but labour
folely pro bono publico: in fhort, we ſeem to be
the wifeft, wealthieft, and may, if we pleaſe, be
the happieſt people under the fun, as we are
the moſt generous and difintereſted. But left
foreigners ſhould doubt the truth of theſe af-
ſertions, and deem them the vain boaſtings of
a man endeavouring to raiſe the honour of his
native country, I have in evidence of my pofi-
tion ſelected a few advertiſements from the many
daily offered to the public, containing invitations
to Health, Beauty, Vigour, Wives, Places, Pen-
fions and Honours, all which may be had for
money; and what leaves nothing to be wiſhed.
for in this glorious country, is the candid and
generous offers of that very neceffary article fo
repeatedly made in every part of this metro-.
polis. Some gentlemen indeed confine their
offers to perfons of faſhion, or ladies and gentle-
men only; but much the greater part of theſe
beneficent beings, like the fun and rain, are-
diſpoſed
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
247
difpofed to difpenfe their bleffings indifcrimi-
nately on all. But fhould a miſtaken pride or
any other reafon prevent the acceptance of theſe
kind and difintereſted offers, Mr. Molefworth
and other gentlemen deeply ſkilled in the ſcience
of calculations, the myſteries of the Cabala, or
poffeffed of ſome other profitable ſecret, with a
like philanthropic ſpirit, are ready to direct you
to the choice of the moft fortunate numbers in
the lottery, or fuch other methods of applying
your money as will enfure your acquiring a ca-
pital fortune, without rifk, in a very ſhort time
all which they might doubtlefs have fecured to
themſelves, were they not actuated by that love
for mankind, and contempt of lucre, always
diſtinguiſhing true philofophy. Indeed the felf-
denial of one of thefe gentlemen is rarely to be
paralleled, as at the very inftant he with the moſt
unbounded generofity offers thoufands to per-
fons unknown, himſelf labours under the frowns.
of fortune, as he acknowledges by his letter from,
the King's-bench.
DOES a young lady fhew figns of an ungrace-
ful fhape, Mr. Parfons, by his well-turn'd ſtays,
prevents that misfortune ;---and has it already
taken place, the fame artiſt will completely hide
it..
248
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
it. Irregular or decayed teeth give place to
thofe of Mr. Patence with fix different enamels;
and that wonderful operator replaces fallen
nofes, uvulas, broken jaw-bones, and, in a
word, cures all the diforders to which the human
frame is liable, as he offers clearly to prove by
occult demonſtration; being, to ufe his own
words, mechanically accurated and anatomically
perfected in the human ftructure. Perfons fuffering
under the racking paroxyfms of the gout, ſo
as to be unable to move, are radically cured of
that terrible diforder by the month, the year, or
for life, without medicine, by mufcular motion
only; or by another fecret, which the generous
poffeffor offers to communicate to the public for
the trifling fum of twenty thousand pounds: and
all the diforders contained in the catalogue of
human mifery yield to the wonderful baths of
Dr. Dominicetti, whence, like Eafon from.
the kettle of Medea, the patient fprings
out totally renovated. But, as Dr. Shee well
obſerves, prevention is certainly even better
than a cure. Mrs. Phillips modeftly ſteps in
with the offer of her wares, prepared with the
refult of thirty-five years experience. This
public-fpirited matron informs us, that after
tem
OBSERVATIONS &c.
249
ten years retirement from buſineſs, ſhe has re-
fumed it again, from reprefentations, that fince
her recefs, goods comparable to what fhe ufed
to vend cannot be procured. Another lady of
the fame profeffion, Mrs. Perkins, attempts to
deny the authenticity of this account, and, with
a proper diſapprobation of obfcene publications,
declares herſelf the true fucceffor of the late Mrs.
Phillips.
UNDER the article of temporary retirements.
for ladies, many afylums are offered, with affur-
ances of kind entertainment, honour, and fe-
crecy, that do credit to the feelings of the age;
and one medical gentleman not only offers his
obſtetric affiſtance, but alfo undertakes to obli-
terate every veftige of pregnancy, or in the ſafeſt
manner to remove the caufes of fterility in any
lady who wiſhes to become pregnant. An in-
genious gentleman, Mr. Diderot, probably from
his name and language a foreigner, even carries
his diſcoveries of this nature ſtill further, and un-
dertakes to enfure to the ladies of this country,
like the Houri of Mahomet, a perpetual fuc-
ceffion of virginity. Perhaps the republication
of theſe laſt notices may be by fome perfons
deemed reprehenfible. To them it may be
anſwered, that as they are folely introduced in
order
250
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
order to illuftrate the ſtate of our natural im-
provements, it cannot in juſtice be eſteemed in-
decent. Indeed, where public information is
concerned, even more indecent publications
have been fuppofed juftifiable; an inftance of
which appears in that of Lady Grofvenor's trial,
publiſhed under the fanction of the Civilians of
Doctors Commons.
HERE, too, notwithſtanding the croakings of
gloomy mifanthropes, there appears no want of
candidates for the holy ſtate of matrimony, who,
devoid, as they themſelves teftify, of either pe→
cuniary or fleſhly motives, feek only ſuitable
helpmates for the purpoſes of domeſtic happi-
nefs and œconomy; and the many proffered re-
treats for youth and beauty in the houſes of
batchelors and widowers, fhew that want of
charity is not the vice of the prefent generation;
and that propenſity to friendſhip which is infer-
red from the advertiſements for a real friend,
does the higheſt honour to the benevolence and
amicable difpofition of our countrymen.
ALTHOUGH the extraordinary diſcovery made
by Mr. Lattefe, the Piedmonteſe gentleman,
cannot with propriety be included among our
national improvements, yet his chufing this
country to offer its application feems a flattering
pre-
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
25E
}
preference, and clearly indicates, that among
our neighbours, incredulity is not imputed
to us. It will be extremely blameable to
paſs over uncommended that laudable though
unſucceſsful attempt made by a ſet of worthy
gentlemen to eſtabliſh a temple facred to both
Hymen and Plutus, or, in other words, the
Marriage-office in Dover-ftreet, where nego-
ciation of money was alfo to be tranſacted, and
this at the moderate price of five guineas, to be
depofited on application, and which fum was
afterwards lowered to two guineas.
THE flouriſhing ſtate of philological learning
muſt rejoice every lover of his country. This
may be diſcovered in the ftyles of moſt of the
advertiſements, but is peculiarly inſtanced in
that elegant hand-bill by Giles Hudfon, Efq.
the Hackney card, and the proclamation of the
Mayor of Maidſtone.
FOR polite accompliſhments there are great
hopes we ſhall rival our neighbours of France,
particularly under the tuition of Mr. Vandam,
that univerfal genius Mr. Patence, and that
elegant young dancer Mr. Peter Lepye, whofe
fuperior talents receive an additional luftre from
the modeſty with which they are announced.
THE
252
OBSERVATIONS, &i.
-
THE univerfal ſtudy of the mathematics is
ftrongly marked by Mr. Nunn's advertiſement,
who makes breeches by geometrical rules, and
has difcovered a problem whereby he is enabled
to cut them out with an accuracy before un-
known. This, as the parts to be fitted are cir-
cumſcribed by curve lines of different natures,
fhews his inveſtigations muft depend on the
more fublime parts of geometry. Mr. Webb's
challenge to foreigners on the art of ladies fhoe-
making, as well as the teftimony brought in the
hand-bill, breathe the ſpirit of a true-born
Engliſhman, and a worthy brother of the gentle
craft.
THE grand fcale on which bufinefs is carried
on by our profeffors and artiſts in different walks,
reflects an importance and dignity on the nation,
as well as points out the enlarged ideas of thoſe
gentlemen. Thus, Mr. Perfect, of Town-
Malling, does not, like former keepers of mad-
houſes, take in lunaticks; his more compre-
henfive manfion lodges and boards Lunacy it-
felf. Mr. Pinchbeck, painter in general, exe-
cutes all the branches of his buſineſs, from a
hovel to a palace, and from a whiſky to a ſtate-
coach; and the ingenious Mr. John Callway,
the
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
253
the chimney-fweeper, does not, like his bre-
thren, put out the fire in chimneys, but, acting
on a larger ſcale, extinguiſhes the chimneys.
THAT the occult ſcience called white magic,
and the ſtudy of aftrology, flouriſhes among us,
is evident from the hand-bills of Mrs. Corbyn
from Germany, who anfwers all lawful queftions;
Mrs. Edwards, who dedicates her knowledge
to the ladies; Mr. William Jones's nephew, the
fecond, laft, and only furvivor of his family;
the perfon who difcovers whether affections are
fincére; and that gifted fage of St. Martin's-
lane, who cures the tooth-ach by a ſweet-fcented
letter. Even our nuiſances are metamorphofed
into gratifications by the fuperior fkill of our
mechanicks; as is fhewn in Mr. Proffer's im-
provements on water-clofets, where their natu-
ral offenfivenefs is not only fubjected, but they
are tranfpoſed to the agreeable fide of the equa-
tion, and the queſtion is converted from which
is the leaf offenfive, to that of which is the
ſweeteſt.
NOR are there wanting able inftructors and
guides to every fpecies of bufinefs. Thus all
matters refpecting the purchaſe and fale of liv-
ings and other ecclefiaftical preferments, are
Y
tranf
254
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
tranfacted in the moft liberal manner, and with
the ftricteft integrity, by a beneficed clergyman
in the univerſity of Cambridge, at his chambers
in the Temple. And ſhould your ambition in-
cite you to figure in the ſtate, or your neceffi-
ties impel you to the finances, the gentleman
up one pair of ſtairs, at No. 15, in the King's-
bench Walks, generously offers to point out the
doubtful road.
THE ſcience of adorning and beautifying the
human form feems to be fyftematically culti-
vated by many artiſts of all denominations, as is
evident from the inftitutions of academies for
hair-dreffing; and among the gentlemen of the
comb and razor; it would be wrong to paſs
over the two men who have the neatest barber's
fhops in London, the modeſty of whofe prices
demands the acknowledgement of the public.
The profeffors of the cofmetic art offer innu-
merable paſtes, washes, pomades and perfumes,
by which the ravages of time are prevented or
counteracted. Even our public fpectacles be-
fpeak a degree of improvement hitherto un-
known: witnefs that wonderful wonder of all
wonders, the brave foldier and learned Doctor
Katterfelto, whoſe courage and learning are only
equalled
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
255
equalled by his honefty and love for this coun-
try; the firſt evinced in his returning the 2000l.
to Capt. Paterfon; and the ſecond, in remain-
ing here though unpenfioned, notwithſtanding
the many offers from the Queen of France, the
requeſt of his friend and correfpondent Dr.
Franklin, and the pofitive commands of the
King of Pruffia.
MR. Van Butchell figures in the double ca-
pacity of a ſkilful operator on the teeth, and a
laudable inſtance of conjugal affection; his de-
licacy in not expofing the remains of his em-
balmed wife to every perfon indifcriminately,
feems worth of commendation.
HIGHLY eminent in the clafs of public exhi-
bitors ftands the learned Dr. Graham, whoſe
philofophic reſearches and lectures, at the fame
time they tend to prove our future progeny,
and to make this kingdom the region of health
and beauty, ferve alfo to deſtroy that mauvaiſe
honte, or timid bafhfulneſs, fo peculiar to the
Engliſh ladies; for which he, at leaft, deferves
the warmeſt acknowledgments from all parents
and huſbands.
MR. Powell, the fire-eater, is undoubtedly, as
his motto obferves, a fingular genius. Nor are
Y 2
the
256
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
the performances of Meffrs. Aftley and Hughes
lefs remarkable, though I am forry to be under
the neceffity of making an objection to part of
their exhibitions as being liable to increaſe that
fpirit of expence and luxury too prevalent among
us. The article I allude to is, that of fhewing
that one perfon may ride on feveral horfes at the
fame time; a practice that may poffibly become
fashionable among the vain and extravagant;
whereas, had they introduced fome method by
which one horfe would be enabled to carry a
greater number of perſons than uſual, their dif-
covery would have been truly commendable.
By the diligence of our keepers of itinerant me-
nageries, we are indulged with the fight of the
learned dog, the wonderful bird, and the fur-
prifing unicorn, with divers others too numerous
to mention.
THE Bottle-conjuror appears to have been an
impoftor, and what he promiſed to perform
feems to have been poffible alone to thofe choir-
fingers who can officiate at two places at the
fame time.
CANDOUR has obliged me to infert ſome ar-
ticles which do not tend to the honour of the
parties concerned, or that of the country
wherein they are fuffered; fuch as thoſe relative
to
OBSERVATIONS, &co
25%
to the fale of feats in Parliament, and guardians
offering to diſpoſe of their wards. For the firſt,
it is no new matter, having been the uſage time
out of mind: and for the other, the ſelfiſhneſs
of the propofal ferves, like fhade in a picture, or
diſcord in muſic, to form a contraſt, and ſet off
the difintereſted offers of other advertiſers.
Ir may perhaps be objected, that fome of the
advertiſements here quoted are of long ftanding,
and the writers dead; to which I fhall borrow
the anſwer of the ingenious Mr. Major in the
caſe of his fnuff, namely, that if the artiſts are
dead, their arts and difcoveries are not, but pro-
bably handed down with improvements:
IN fine, kind reader, from thefe premiſes my.
affertion feems incontrovertibly demonſtrated,
namely, that if we are not healthy, beautiful,
rich, and wife, we have only our ovn incredulity
or negligence to blame for it, fince the means
of theſe bleffings are daily offered to us, with
many other advantages fet forth at length in the
following collection, which, it is hoped, will
make us fet a proper value on our native coun---
try, and infpire foreigners with a due reverence:
for Old England.
X. 3
4.
Chr
258
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
On the comparative state of the DEAF and BLIND.
It is a general obfervation, that deaf men ap-
pear more unhappy and melancholy than thoſe
afflicted with blindnefs; whence it is inferred
that deafness is the greater evil.
BUT it ſhould be confidered, that this conclu-
fion is drawn from the different appearances
made by theſe perfons when in company; where
the blind man fcarcely feels his deficiency, by
which his hearing and attention is often benc-
fited, whereas the deaf man being totally cut off
by his diſorder from all vocal intercourſe, is by
company reminded of his misfortune.
To judge fairly, one ought to contemplate
the deaf man when alone in his ftudy, and com-
pare his enjoyments with thofe of the blind
man in company; or compare the fufferings of
the deaf man in company, with thoſe of the
blind man when when alone. Perhaps blindneſs
may be moft tolerable to an illiterate man, and
deafnefs to a learned one.
On
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
259
On the CRIMINAL LAWS of England.
THE fanguinary diſpoſition of our laws is a
matter generally and with reafon complained of.
This, befides being a national reproach, is,
ftrange as it may appear, an encouragement in-
ftead of a terror to delinquents.
It is a well-known obfervation, that when
the puniſhment of any crime is more fevere
than an offence deferves, the law is rarely put
in execution; whereby the infringers of it efcape
with impunity, and the ſtatute, inſtead of ſerving
to deter, actually tends to perfuade young ad-
venturers to tranfgrefs, from the idea that the
rigor of the law will not be inflicted on them.
THUS, privately ftealing from the dwelling-
houſe of any perfon being a capital felony, I
have known a jury guilty of the greateſt ab-
furdity imaginable, to mitigate the puniſh-
ment, when the offence was too clearly proved
to juſtify an acquittal.
IN
260
OBSERVATIONS, &
IN the cafe here alluded to, a man fwore that
going to bed in his own houſe he wound up his
watch, and put it into his breeches pocket, and
then put his breeches under his pillow and
went to fleep. During the night, a thief having
got privately into the houſe, ſtole this man's
watch, and was detected in pawning it. The
jury found the thief, a very young lad, guilty
of ſtealing, but not in the dwelling-houfe. To
make common ſenſe of this verdict, the breeches.
muſt have conveyed themſelves out of the houſe
in order to be robbed, and then taken themſelves
back to their former ftation under the pillow,
where the owner fwore he found them. Befides
the abfurdity of this verdict, it contains a du-
plicity and evafion that difgraces a court, and
effectually perjures the jury, as every one there.
muſt be ſenſible that his verdict was not accord-
ing to the evidence: if the puniſhment is too
fevere, it would be much better to alter the law.
THE undervaluing of goods, in order to bring
them within a particular fum, is another mode.
of mitigating certain ftatutes; but let any man.
ſeriouſly examine how far this is reconcileable:
to common fenfe. I am aware that the con-
fciences of perfons in buſineſs are but too fupple.
and
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
261
and well exerciſed in the article of falfe valua-
tion, to boggle much in this inftance; with
this difference, that they in general are apt
to over-value the commodities they deal in:
but how fome of the more confcientious can
juſtify doing this on oath, I cannot conceive.
LET us confider the effect this muſt have on
the common people who appear as evidences in
the court; if they fee the jury quibbling, nay,
even difpenfing with their oath to find a verdict.
contrary to evidence, or determining that per-
haps ten pounds worth of goods are only of ten
fhillings value, and that unoppoſed by the judge,
who fits there to prevent manifeſt irregularities;
will not they find themfelves equally juſtified in
delivering falfe evidence, particularly where it
is to foften the rigour of what they may deem a
hard law.
FOR the honour and welfare of the country
let there be a revifal of the penal laws, where
let the puniſhment be fo proportioned to the
offences, that they may be fully and certainly
put in force.
THE number of public executions in England
are with great juftice confidered by foreigners
as a national reproach. But this does not ariſe.
from any cruelty in our courts of judicature;
as
262.
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
as it is moſt certain, that fuch is the merciful-
nefs of our judges and jurors, that unleſs the
guilt of a culprit is as manifeft as the fun at noon-
day, he will not be found guilty; and when the
number fentenced is compared with thofe or-
dered for execution, the clemency of his Majefty
ftands fufficiently manifeft,
A principal caufe of this frequency of execu-
tions we ſhall find in the difproportionate pu-
niſhments allotted by our criminal code; death
being alike the puniſhment of a robbery, com-
mitted by a half-famifhed wretch, who, to re-
lieve the diftreffes of a ftarving family, robs.
a mifer of a fingle fhilling, and of the bloody
ruffian, who from wanton cruelty, kills or maims.
the unrefifting paffenger.
IN vain may the legiflature endeavour to de-
ter offenders by adding fresh circumftances of
terror to the ordinary puniſhments; thefe, if they
operate at firſt, will, from ufage, ſhortly become
familiar, and confequently lofe their efficacy.
THE only effectual method to leffen the num-
ber of capital executions is to prevent crimes,
and this in their earlieſt ſtages.
THE great caufes of all delinquency are
gaming and idlenefs. To check the firft, there
are
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
263
M
are already a great number of good and whole-
fome laws were they but duly executed: per-
haps to execute them impartially would be next
to impoffible, confidering the rank and power
of
many perfons, even eiected and hereditary le-
giflators, who openly and avowedly break thofe
laws they have enacted; but in a less degree,
the juftices of the peace might furely venture to
put the laws in force against publicans who per-
mit gaming to be carried on in their houſes.
SCARCE any juftice would dare to ſearch our
gaming houſes in the neighbourhood of St.
James's, where he might have occafion to com-
mit a privy counſellor, an ex-miniſter, or a ſe-
cretary of ſtate.
THE first great ftep towards a reformation of
manners in this particular, and the extirpation
of this vice, among the higher orders, could be
taken only by his Majefty, in a reſolution not to
confer any place or appointment, of honour or
profit, to any known gamefter, however emi-
nent his abilities, or diftinguifhed his rank.
Much alfo might be done by the abolition of
horfe-racing. The money granted for plates
would be much better applied in premiums for
ufeful difcoveries, or improvements in huſbandry,
manu-
264
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
manufactures, and arts.
Let lotteries alſo be
aboliſhed this would fweep away thofe pefts to
ſociety, the tribe of lotttery-office keepers and
infurers, wretches who have ruined thouſands,
and brought many to violent deaths.
EVERY pariſh ſhould have an hofpital, a houfe
of induſtry, and a houfe of correction.
POOR, who after a life of labour, are rendered
by age or fickneſs unable to work, to be main-
tained comfortably in the hofpital, having done
their duty towards the public: this would be an
encouragement to other poor, who, from idle-
nefs, without diſhoneſty, were reduced to be em--
ployed in the houfe of induftry. Here like-
wife ought to be employed any perfons worthy
of employment; alfo thofe, who having been
tried for offences were acquitted. Juftices to
have power to oblige perfons having no viſible
way of gaining a livelihood to work in the
houſe of induſtry.
VAGABOND beggars, perfons pretending to
ficknefs, &c. to be fent to the houfe of cor-
rection, and from thence, on amendment, to be
removed to the houſe of induſtry.
To carry this forward, a ſtock might be raiſed
either by rate or voluntary fubfcription, towards
pur-
?
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
265
:
purchaſing materials, for employing the different
tradefmen, fuch as fhoemakers, weavers, tay-
lors, &c. with hemp, &c. for labourers.
SUPPOSE a lad, who by fome accident has fallen
into bad company, and guilty of fome trifling
felony, for which he has been tried and acquit-
ted, either through the lenity of the jury, or for
want of fufficient evidence; fuppofe him turned
out of court pennyleſs, without character and in
rags; how is fuch an one honeftly to get his
next day's dinner, or night's lodging? who will
employ him, or will any one take him in except
his old companions? the confequence is, he
muft of neceffity either commit fome freſh de-
predation on the public or perish; dreadful al-
ternative! In this cafe let the jury have autho-
rity to pass him to his parish, there to be kept
to labour in the houſe of correction till fuch time
as he fhews fome figns of amendment, and let
him then be removed to the houſe of induſtry.
I foreſee the objection that will be made to this:
what, impriſon a man who has been acquitted!
where is then our liberty? In anſwer to theſe
objections, I fuppofe his guilt evident to the
jury, or at leaft his evil connections, the break-
ing him from which is fuch an abridgement of
liberty
Ꮓ
266
OBSERVATIONS, &c.
liberty as confining a perfon affected with a
phrenzy and preventing his cafting himſelf head-
long from a precipice.
ALTHOUGH we well know, that general
compliments mean nothing, yet our vanity is
gratified by the fuppofition, that we are thought
of fufficient confequence to be flattered.
gure
NOTHING feems more evident, than that
we have no other right to make flaves of the
negroes than that of fuperior abilities and power,
yet it is on that right alone, that our fuperiority
over animals is founded: for inftance, what au-
thoriſes us to oblige horſes, affes, oxen, and
other beaſts of draught and burden, to labour for
us, except our fuperiority in cunning? The dif-
ference of form furely gives no greater rights
than that of colour. It is a miſerable confidera-
tion, that the whole fyftein of this world is
founded on the right of power, the ſtrong and
cunning lording it over the weak and fimple.
LET-
1
LETTERS.
267
LETTER
Giving an account of an extraordinary apparition.
SIR,
As I know you are not one of thofe con-
ceited fceptics, who affect to difbelieve every
thing they cannot explain, I here fend you a
very curious narrative concerning an apparition
lately feen near Gofport, in Hampſhire, taken
from the mouth of the party to whom it ap-
peared; who related it to me, and is ready to
teftify the truth thereof upon oath before any
magiſtrate in Great Britain: but before I pro-
ceed, permit me to obſerve, that I am well
aware, that the whole will, by many of our fine.
gentlemen and free-thinkers, be treated as a
fable, or the effects of a diſturbed imagination :
but let fuch be informed, that the notion of ap-
paritions has prevailed from the earlieſt times,
among
Z 2
268
LETTERS.
among all nations, as well civilized as favages;
that apparitions are mentioned in both the Old
and New Teftament, and what to thefe gentle-
men may perhaps be more unexceptionable tefti-
mony, are treated of by many learned writers
of ancient Greece and Rome. But to my
ftory.
ABOUT two miles weft of Gofport, there
lately ſtood a fea mark, well known to all navi-
gators by the name of Gill Kicker, near which
is a burial ground, where moft of the feamen
who die on board the fhips at Spithead were
interred. It being thought expedient to erect
a fort at this place, the Surry regiment of mi-
litia were pitched on to do that work.
To lay the foundations of this fort, it was
abfolutely neceffary to diſturb the peaceful man-
fions of the dead, and though the engineer and
officers who fuperintended the working parties,
took great pains to avoid and prevent every unne-
ceffary violation of theſe dormitories, yet from
the inattention and wantonnefs of the foldiers,
fculls, thigh bones, and other remains of morta-
lity, were too often indecently thrown about; but
what attention to propriety can be expected in
this atheiſtical age, when blind reaſon is ſet up
as
LETTERS.
269
as a fovereign judge in matters of faith, and the
divine right of kings and tythes are denied?
In order to take care of the tools uſed in this
work, a tent was pitched, in which a corporal
and four men mounted guard every night; but
nothing particular occurred till the 27th of the
prefent month (Auguſt) 1779, when this guard
was mounted by Mr. Tobias Callingham, a cor-
poral in the Southwark company of the above-
mentioned regiment, a man remarkable for his
fobriety, veracity, and religious turn of mind,
and therefore not only much reſpected by his
officers, but alfo by all his brother foldiers in
the faid company, which, if I may be indulged
a digreffion, were ever famous for their ftrict
obfervation of all the moral duties.
CORPORAL Callingham having, as I before
mentioned, mounted his guard, paffed the firſt
part of the evening without any occurrence
worth remarking; but about ten minutes after
twelve at night, as he was returning from vifit-
ing a centinel he had pofted over the tools,
there fuddenly appeared before him, at the dif-
tance of about fix yards, the figure of an ex-
ceeding tall man, habited in a jacket, fuch as is
commonly worn by Dutch failors, a large pair
of breeches or trowfers, fomething like a hand-
kerchief
Z 3
270
LETTERS.
kerchief round his neck, and on his head a
whitiſh cap; he appeared to have loſt his right
leg, which was ſupplied with the reſemblance of
a wooden one; he had one hand in his fide-
pocket, and held the other in a beckoning pof-
ture; his countenance, to uſe the corporal's ex-
preffion, was fo ghaftly as to make his hair lift
his hat from his head; his mouth was open, as
were alſo his eyes, his eye-balls fixed in the
moſt frightful glare imaginable; and his whole
face was of that dreadful livid and cadaverous
hue, that marks an advanced ſtate of putrefac-
tion. The corporal declares he ſhall remember
its looks to his dying day. All this he was
enabled clearly to obferve by the light of the
moon, which, at that inftant, fhone with great
brightneſs. At this dreadful apparition, he was,
as may eaſily be conceived, much terrified, but
recollecting himſelf, and approaching nearer to
it, he was thoroughly convinced it was no hu-
man being. He therefore fervently recited the
Athanafian creed: on which he inſtantly felt a
freſh acceffion of courage: this enabled him
to fpeak to it, which he did with the uſual ad-
juration, demanding who he was, and what
cauſed his appearance? The fpectre pointing. to
a large
ས
LETTER S.
271
a large coffin, that day uncovered, vaniſhed in
a flaſh of fire.
THE corporal overcome by this dreadful
fpectacle fell down in a fit, and in the fall dif-
charged his firelock, which alarmed the guard,
who with great difficulty, by the help of fome
ftrong water brought him to his fenfes, but not
till they had carried him back to the tent; and
it is obfervable that fince this happened, from
a man of a cheerful difpofition, he is become
extremely grave and thoughful: it is alfo worthy
of note, that though the centinel heard both
Callingham's voice, and the report of the piece,
he did not fee the apparition. Diverſe are the
conjectures reſpecting the cauſe of this preter-
natural vifitation; but the general opinion is,
that it is occafioned by the diſturbance of the
dead before-mentioned, a matter ftrictly prohi-
bited by the ancients, as both indecent and im-
pious. The large coffin to which the ſpectre
pointed, accidentally breaking next day in the
removal, a pipe, a knife, and tobacco box fell
out of it, which being picked up are now in
the hands of the chaplain of the Surry regiment,
ready to convince fuch as, like Thomas the in-
credulous apoftle, muſt not only fee, but feel,
before they believe.
I had
272
LETTERS.
I had nearly forgot to mention one very re-
markable circumftance, which is, that during the
appearance of this ſpectre, a fimall dog called
Fizgig, belonging to the corporal, feemed un-
der the greateſt terror imaginable, putting his
tail between his legs, and creeping as clofe as
poffible to his maſter.
E. H.
}
This letter was in the author's hand writing:
whether his own or tranfcribed is not certain: it-
was probably meant to ridicule fome fuperftitious
Story in circulation at Gofport, about the time it waS.
written.
LETTER
LETTERS.
273
LETTER
In vindication of Sir 7---ph M--wb-y.
1968 and us
THE many illiberal farcafms thrown out againſt
that worthy patriot Sir J---ph M-wb-y, in the
public papers, together with the very unfair ac-
counts of his family, have provoked me to ſtand
forth, and give the public a true and particular
account of his birth, parentage, and education,
in vindication of that much-injured patriot, who
clearly evinces, that the greateft defervings are
moft liable to the fangs of detraction.
THAT the family of the M--b-ys or Malt--ys,
have been long ſettled in Leiceſterſhire, appears
from divers ancient records and memorials,
many of them of a public nature, fuch as orders
of the quarter feffions, church-wardens accounts,
*This ironical letter feems to have been intended for one
of the periodical publications of the day.
warrants
274
LETTERS.
1.
warrants for removals, and a multiplicity of other
parochial evidences.
THERE is alfo, as far back as Henry VIII.
in the houſe of correction, againſt the wall,
wrote in an ancient hand, the following triplet:
Firing a stable,
Burning the Pope.
When this you fee,
Remember me,
Jofeph Ma--ee.
1549.
Now tradition fays, that this was wrote by the
perſon whoſe name is therein mentioned, who
was committed for breaking the popifh juftice's.
windows on a rejoicing night. This correfponds.
with what I have heard advanced by the worthy
Baronet, namely, that his family had fuffered in
the cauſe of liberty and religion; befides, the
elegant naiveté of the verfification is fo fimilar
to fome of the preſent gentleman's performances,
that to me it fully demonftrates their con-
fanguinity.
HAVING thus, I think, proved the antiquity
of the family, permit me to fay fomething of
his more immediate progenitors. Methinks I fee
the good old man, his father, ftriding his faith-
ful Dapple, and weighing out to the poor thoſe
joints of meat, which in London the unfeeling
butchers
LETTERS.
275
butchers bury, or throw into the Thames; I
mean fuch as were unfold at the market, and
were fomewhat advanced towards that ſtate
which is fo much efteemed in France, and dif-
tinguiſhed by the title of the Haut Goût: in a
word, he was, in the language of that country,
a cokerer. Of the good lady, his mother, I
I am not fo well inftructed, faving that her de-
clamations, probably in the cauſe of liberty,
once procured her an immersion, by the orders
of an arbitrary headborough who was a taylor:
and I have ſome reaſon to believe, that ſhe was
the very perſon who gave ſuch a noble inſtance
of perfeverance, by continuing the allufions to
his trade with her hands after her head was
under water.
FROM anceſtors like theſe what lefs than a
patriot could be expected; and fuch was his
ſteadineſs and prudence, that at the age of fif-
teen, he was actually entrusted with the conduct
of a large drove of hogs up to London,
where he arrived fafely, though not without
fome prodigies which foretold his future great-
nefs. Parts like his could not remain long un-
noticed, a wealthy uncle, ftruck with his genius,
put him to ſchool, where he made fuch progreſs
as
276
LETTERS.
as to be actually in As in præfenti at the time of
his leaving the ſchool.
How greatly is it to be lamented, that, con-
fidering his vaft propenfity to letters, he left
ſchool fo early as eighteen: however there is
great reafon to hope, confidering the affiduity
with which he is now purſuing his ftudies, by
means of a private tutor, that he will retrieve
his lofs, particularly as he is now not quite forty.
INDEED the fruits of his endeavours may be
feen in thoſe agreeable orations with which he
fometimes charms the liftening fenate, and can
only be equalled by the graceful manner in which
they are delivered: even his enemies allow the
force of his eloquence, and the beauty of his
periods.
BUT whither am I running? warmed by the
love of my fubject, I have already exceeded
the bounds of a letter, and fhall referve the far-
ther account of his virtues to another oppor-
tunity.
I am, Sir, yours, &c.
PASQUIN.
LET-
LETTERS.
2.77
LETTER
To the Critic of the Gentleman's Magazine.
SIR,
As you have thought proper, in the Gentle-
man's Magazine of April laft, to infert fome
ftrictures on my little Effay on Ancient Spurs,
printed in the laſt volume of the Archæologia,
I, in return, beg leave to make fome obferva-
tions on your criticifin.
FIRST, then, I muft obferve, that confider-
ing the offices which you hold in the Antiqua-
rian Society, there is a manifeſt impropriety in
your giving any opinion at all on the fubject
of their publications; for, fhould your judgment.
prove in their favour, it might be deemed intereft-
ed, and partial, if the contrary, it ſurely would ill
accord with your duty to the Society, to point
out the defects of any production edited under
A a
their
278
LETTER S.
their fanction, and would be, to the utmoſt of
your abilities, an attack on both their honour and
intereft. Beſides, as thefe papers muſt have
been voted worthy of publication by the ma-
jority of the Council, your attempt to prove
the contrary is fetting up your judgment in
oppofition to that majority: what fhall we
call this? I think it cannot properly be ftyled
modefty.
BUT even fuppofing there might be no im-
propriety in your acting as a felf-appointed Re-
viewer of the Society's works, you would do
well to obferve, that criticiſm and abuſe are very
different things: the one may in moſt caſes
be executed by a gentleman, but the other not.
Let me aſk you, who do you think will fend
papers to the Society, if, after undergoing the
ufual ordeal, they are liable to your unhandſome
animadverfions?
I however cannot fay I am furpriſed at the
infult I complain of, as I am by no means a fin-
gular inftance of your petulancy, eſpecially fince
you have enjoyed the means of indulging it by
the poft of reviewer to the Gentleman's Maga-
zine, whence, like a Yankey behind a tree, you
lie perdue, and fire your blunderbufs at almoſt
every
་
LETTER S.
279
every perſon that comes within your reach,
with as much affiduity as if you gained to your-
ſelf that credit of which you deprived others:
thus rendering the Gentleman's Magazine,
once a refpectable compilation, the vehicle of
your perſonal malignity.
BUT let us examine a little whether your cri-
ticifm is more ingenious and liberal than pro-
perly directed. A perfon wiſhes to aſcertain
the form of an ancient fpur, and for informa-
tion fearches the different repofitories where an-
tiquities of that kind are preſerved, in order to
judge from the original inſtruments: but you,
Mr. Director, inform us, that the repreſenta-
tions of things are better authorities for their
forms than the things themfelves, and that I
ought to have fought for the defired informa-
tion among monuments and pictures; had you
fairly read the paper, you would have ſeen this
had been alſo done. Indeed was not your great
difintereſtedneſs univerfally acknowledged, we
here might have been led to fufpect, that you
meant the pictures of monuments, and referred
to your own late fepulchral publication.
In the courſe of your criticifm you fay, we
demur to the authenticity of Don Saltero's
A a 2
coffee-
280
LETTER S.
coffee-houſe. Is it to the coffee-houſe itſelf you
demur? perhaps you may have had an extra-
vagant bill brought you there; or is it to the au-
thenticity of the fpur, produced from thence?
if the latter, permit me to afk you, what part of
my affertion refpecting that inftrument is it you
object to: Is it not a fpur? I have only given
it as fuch, and not as an ancient one: I hope,
for the honeft landlord's fake, you will not take
it for a king's finger.
MR. Rowles's collection next becomes your
object, introduced under the denomination of
his lumber room and collection of old iron;
this I underſtand is meant as a puniſhment for
his having audaciouſly prefumed to out-bid you
for a lot of vertu at a public auction: would it
not have been better to have informed the pub-
lic of his enormous offence, as otherwiſe they
may think you highly deficient in morals and
good breeding, thus unprovoked contemptu-
oufly to ftigmatize the cabinet of a brother
connoiffeur and antiquary: but to return to
your charge, you feem to reprobate the
fearching for a fpur, in a collection of old
iron, would you have adviſed me to hunt for
it in a gingerbread baker's fhop?
YOUR
LETTER S.
281
YOUR obfervation, that the ſubject might
have been both enlarged and reduced, places it
under a particular predicament, there being fome
works that might be advantageoufly leffened,
but not with any propriety enlarged.
HAVING thus fhewn the futility of your
criticiſm, and thereby the truth of that proverb
which fays, God fends curft cows fhort horns;
let me adviſe you to devote part of that time
to the correction of your own multitudinous
errors, which you fo improvidently ſpend in
pointing out thoſe of others, and ever to hold
it in mind, that one who has a head of glaſs
fhould never engage in throwing ftones.
Go
Copy
A a 3
282
LETTERS.
que
Copy of a letter from one of the lamp-lighters of
Covent-garden theatre, to the treasurer of that
houſe.
SUR,
I am mutch as weful, plefs to fend the
munney by the bear; it is my whiff, and I fetts
upon thrones tell fhe cum back.
Your humbel ſervant,
H. Tomas..
Copy of a letter written by Mr. Stoppelear, a
painter and player, brother to Mr. Michael
Stoppelear, to Mr. Fleetwood, who requested
him to play Macheath.
SIR,
I thank you for the fever you intended me,
but I have had a great cold and horfeneſs upon
me this twelve month, which lafted above fix
months, and is not gone yet, and I am apprehen-
Give it will return.
I am
LETTERS.
283
#
I am juſt able to keep my head above water,
by my painting, therefore do not chufe to em-
bark any more on the ſtage.
*
I met you laſt night according to your appoint-
ment, but you did not come;
did not come; however, if you
will pleaſe to appoint any other time or place,
I will not fail meeting you, whither you come
or not.
N. B. * Thus far is genuine, as I was in-
formed by Mr. Forreſt, fen. who was prefent when
it was delivered to Mr. Fleetwood: the rest has
been added.
LETTERS were anciently faſtened with wax
and ravelled filk, as low as 1595, and continued
till 1678. One from Chriftine II. of Sweden,
to Charles II. Sir John Cullum fays he faw fo
fecured.
This cuftom is mentioned by Shakeſpear in.
his Lover's Complaint:
Letters fadly penn'd in blood,
With fleided filk, feat and affectedly
Enfwath'd and feal'd to curious fecrecy..
CHARLES
284.
EXTRACTS, &c.
CHARLES V. when in the gout, s'effercoit
d'ovrir la lettre de Henri, mais comme elle
etoit en lacée avec de fils de foi, fes doigts con-
vert de nodus et prefque perclus ne pouvoit les
rompre. Hiſt. de France par M. Garnier,.
quoted L'Efprit les Journeaux, Ap. 1782.
CURIOUS EXTRACTS, ANECDOTES,
AND STORIES..
Extract from a register, Eaft Dean, Suffex.
AGNES PAYNE, the daughter of Edward
Payne, was buried the firſt day of February.
Johan Payne, the daughter of Edward Payne,
was buried the firft day of February.
IN the death of thefe two fifters laft men--
tioned, is one thinge worth recordinge, dili-
gently to be noted. The elder fifter, called
Agnes, being very ficke unto death, fpeechles,
and as was thought paft hope of fpeakinge: after
The
EXTRACTS, &c.
285
fhe had lyen 24 hours without fpeach, at laft
upon a fuddayne cryed out to her fiſter to make
herſelf ready, and to come with her: her fifter
Johan being abroad about other buſineſs, was
called for, who being come to her fick fifter;
demaundinge howe fhe did, fhe very lowde or
earneſtly bad her fifter make ready, fhe ftayed.
for her, and could not go without her: within
half an houre after, Johan was taken very ficke,
which increaſinge all the night uppon her, her
other fifter ftill callinge her to come away,
in the morninge they both departed this wretch-
ed world together. O the unfearchable wif-
dom of God! How deepe are his judgments,
and his ways paft fyndinge out!
TESTIFYED by diverfe ould and honeft per-
fons yet living, which I my felfe have hard
their father, when he was alive, report.
Arther Pollande, Vic.
Henry Homewood
John Pupp
Church-wardens,
Extract
286
EXTRACTS, &c.
Extract from a treatife entitled a Chriftian's Sa-
crifice, an odd leaf in the poffeffion of Mr.
Goftling.
"HERE let us not omit amongſt the con-
formities of thefe times to the world, womens
painting their faces and breaſts, and laying open
their faid breafts moft immodeftly, almoft to
their wafts, yea, their picturing upon their
breaſts cherries and birds, yea, the patching of
them alfo, and of their faces, here a patch and
there a patch. Oh abominable, oh monſtrous;
the daughter of Zion before mentioned, and
wicked Ifabel herfelfe, never came to this height.
To the former may be added their wearing
of ſtrange hair, I mean the hair of other wo-
men, either bought of fome that are poore,
and for money glad to cut it off, to ferve
foolish defires of others, or taken from the
heads of fome before dead, the which ſtrange
haire likewife fometimes they dye, not accord-
ing to the colour of their owne haire, but white,
or of fome other colour, according to the fafhi-
on of moft, that fo all in colour of haire may
be
EXTRACT S, &c.
287
A
be like one to another, how unlike foever in
complexion; and all may weare one liverie, as
ferving all one miftris; the like may be ſaid of
their pendent locks, about their cheekes moſt
undecently, howfoever they thinke themſelves
adorned thereby, and directly contrary to the
precept of Paul and Peter: I ſuppoſe alſo
that if they knew their butter to be made by
any wearing fuch lockes, they would not very
willingly eat thereof. I could fpeake more
homely hereof, but that I thinke fome do it
more of ignorance, and cuſtome, and to fatisfie
the minds of fome other, either huſbands, or
parents, or miſtreſſes, than of any pride they
take therein, either not knowing or not re-
membring what holy fcripture hath faid againſt
the fame.
BUT let us dive a little deeper into theſe
deepe abominations of theſe times, drawne
from the deepe pit of Hell itſelf. How there-
fore have men and women changed their fexe
(as much as they can) one with another? Men
wearing long haire like unto women, and
women cutting off their haire like unto boyes,
or beardleffe young men, wearing nothing
thereon but hats, pulling them alſo off to ſuch
as they meete. Oh monstrous, oh monftrous.
Are
288
EXTRACT S, &c.
Are not theſe things in men, and alſo in wo-
men, directly contrary to the Apoftle's doc-
trine? Is not the doing of either or both, te
gainefay to the face of the Apoftle?"
Longevity of the tortoife.
IN the library at Lambeth Palace is the fhell
of a land tortoife, brought to that palace by
Archbiſhop Laud, about the year 1633, which
lived to the year 1753, when it was killed by
the inclemency of the weather; a labourer in
the garden having for a trifling wager digged
it up from its winter retreat, and neglecting
to replace it, a frofty night, as is fuppofed,
killed it.
ANOTHER tortoife was placed in the Epif
copal houſe at Fulham, by Biſhop Laud, when
Biſhop of that fee, anno 1628: this died a na-
tural death anno 1753. What were the ages of
thefe tortoises at the time they were placed in
the above gardens, is not known. Doctor
Andrew Coltee Ducarel, who told me this
anecdote, had often ſeen both theſe animals.
Anecdotes
EXTRACT S, &c.
289
Anecdote relating to the death of Anne Weatherly.
late of Whitstable, A. D. 1775.
ANNE WEATHERLY, a young married wo-
man, about a month or fix weeks ago, ac-
companied her father to Hearne, a village
about five or fix miles from Whitstable. On
their return home, fhe afked her father twice if
he did not fee death ftanding before them; once
in the path-way in the field; another time at a
ftyle where they were to get over. He for fome-
time endeavoured to laugh her out of it, as a
mere whim. She continually afferted that ſhe
had actually feen death: foon after which ſhe
became blind; the diforder then fell into her
legs, fo that it was with great difficulty fhe got
home, was put to bed immediately, and died in
a very few days.
THIS I had from her own brother.
Bb
ANNO
290
EXTRACT S, &c.
ANNO
Colonel Guy Johnfon, walk-
ing with his wife into Ticonderoga in America,
fhe thought fhe faw a man then abſent, making
a coffin out of fome particular planks of wood,
which the defcribed; and farther faid, fhe faw
her name on it: this fhe told to many perfons,
and within four days afterwards fhe fell fick and
died. The fame man fhe faw returning, was
employed to make her coffin, and could find no
wood proper for it, but was obliged to uſe ſome
thick oak boards, defigned for mantlets, appa-
rently ſuch as ſhe had defcribed.
THIS account I had from Colonel Johnſon.
APRIL, 1788, Mr. Newton, the architect,
told me the following ftory refpecting Mr.
Stuart, called the Athenian.
A day or two before Mr. Stuart's death, his
maid-ſervant being cleaning the ſtairs thought
fhe
EXTRACTS, &c.
291
the faw her mafter come out of his bed-room
in his night-cap, then go into his ſtudy, and
thence come down ftairs paft her with uncom-
mon quickness. As fhe had left him with Mrs.
Stuart at dinner, fhe was much furpriſed at it,
and went into the parlour and told her mafter
and miſtreſs what fhe had feen. Mr. Stuart re-
proved her, and bid her go about her bufi-
nefs, affirming he had never been out of the
room; he was at that time in good health:
fince his death, which happened fuddenly, both
the maid fervant and Mrs. Stuart confirmed this
ſtory to Mr. Newton.
SOMEWHAT like this happened to Mr. Stuart
himfelf; his fon, a child of fix or feven years of
age, being in bed fick of the ſmall pox, Mr.
Stuart fitting in his ſtudy, faw this child come to
the table with a pencil in his hand, as was his
cuſtom, and that he drew fomething on it or
feemed to do; this he told Mrs. Stuart. The
child died, and Mr. Stuart would never fit in
that room afterwards, but brought down his
papers, books, &c. into the parlour.
i
Bb 2
A Lon
292
EXTRACTS, &c.
A London friend fent Mr. Auften of Rochester,
the following most extraordinary fublime lines.
in manufcript, faid to be written by nearly an
Idiot, living ftill (March 16, 1779,) at Ciren-
cefter.
«COULD We with ink the ocean fill,
Was the whole earth of parchment made,
Was every ſingle ſtick a quill,
Was every man a fcribe by trade:
To write the love of God alone,
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor would the fcroll contain the whole,
Tho' ftretch'd from fky to fky."
MR. Goftling fen. paffing by Bartholomew-
Cloſe, in company with his father, the old
gentleman pointed to a houfe, where he faid
dwelt a man, who, at the fire of London, found
means to fave the facramental plate of St. Paul's,
which
EXTRACT S, &c.
293
which he kept till that church was rebuilt; and
when it was to be opened, he waited on the
Dean, and told him, he need be under no kind
of care about providing facramental plate, as
he would produce a fet; which he accordingly
did; and on receiving the thanks of the Dean,
told him how he came by it: upon which the
Dean changed his note, and faid, he was to
blame in keeping it fo private, as thereby had
he died it would have been loft to the church.
Not fo, replied he, Mr. Dean, for I had men-
tioned it in my will. He alſo remembers a
centinel with a pike, at Windfor palace gate.
This was about feventy years ago, i. e. about
17.06.
ન
*
The Rev. Mr. Wood of Douglas, told me the follow-
ing ftory of a Mr. Cofnan, which his father
had from his own mouth.
THIS gentleman's houfe was haunted by a
Judicrous dæmon, who played a thouſand monkey
tricks, fuch as fcribbling upon a newly-plaſtered
*Mr. Cofnan was miniſter of Church-Santon.
Bb 3
wall,
294
EXTRACTS, &c.
wall; and once at noon-day, Mr. Stanton throw-
ing a ſtone acroſs a river, it was returned to him
by an invifible hand, and that an hundred times
fucceffively that he might not be mistaken,
he had the precaution to mark it. This ftory
making a noiſe, ſeveral fubftantial farmers called
in to enquire into the truth of it: one among
them doubting it, and in difplaying his cloquence
ftriking his hand on the table, a ftone fuddenly
fell from the cieling near his hand and ſtuck in-
the table, to the great aſtoniſhment of the whole
company.
Story of Six-bottle fack.
TWENTY-TWO clergymen of the Ifle of Man,
having met on a political convocation, the ſub-
ject to be difcuffed proved fo dry that forty-four:
bottles of claret were drunk in difcuffing it:
Parfon Jack amufed himſelf in arranging the
empty bottles round the room where the meet-
ing was held. Some pickthank told the effects.
of this meeting to Biſhop Hildefley, who being
a very abftemious man, at the next convocation
expa
EXTRACT S, &c.
295
expatiated much on this horrid exceſs, as he
called it. During his harangue, the eyes of the
whole company were turned on Parfon Jack,
as the fubject of the Bishop's admonition, as he
only mentioned things in general.
Jack feeing
"You are ·
their miſtake, loudly exclaimed,
miſtaken, gentlemen, his Lordſhip does not
mean me, he ſpeaks only of two bottles, and he
very well knows. I am a fix-bottle man."
A curious Differtation on Heraldry.
As I have heard there fhould be another de-
vifion of gentry, which you have not touched;
and that is a gentleman both ſpirituall and tem-
porall, as when a perfon beeing eyther a gentle-
man of bloud or coat armour is admitted into
the holye order of priesthoode; this is a
gentleman fpirituall and temporall: fpirituall in
reſpect of his canonical orders; temporall by
reafon of his bloud and coat armour. Chriſt
was a gentleman as to his flesh, by: the part of
his mother, (as I have read), and might, if he
had eſteemed of the vayne glory of this worlde,
whereof
1
296
EXTRACTS, &c.
whereof he often fayde his kingdom was not, have
borne coat armour. The Apoſtles alfo (as my
author telleth me) were gentlemen of bloud:
and manye of them defcended from that worthy
conqueror Judas Maccabeus, but through the
tract of time, and perfecution of wars, poverty
oppreffed the kindred, and they were conftrayned
to fervile works. So were the four doctors and
fathers of the church, (Ambrofe, Auguftine,
Hierome, and Gregorie) gentlemen, both of
bloud and coat armours. I have been taught how
that fuch a gentleman of blood, adinitted into
holye orders, ought to take two of his neareſt
coats and marshal them in his fhielde, in a
fielde, parted per chevron, the one above,
the other beneath. The Glory of Generofitie,.
page 98:
Blazon of Gentrie; by John Ferne, 1586.
Superftitious notions::
THE Wounds of a murdered perfon will bleed
afreſh on the touch of the murderer.
If a witch is cut or fcratched by any one, fo
as to draw blood, fhe can have no power over
them...
EXTRACTS, &c.
297
them. It ſeems evident fhe never had, other-
wife fhe would prevent fuch an outrage.
A witch cannot fay the Lord's Prayer; a
witch cannot ſtep over two ſtraws or ſwitches
laid croſs-wife..
If the urine, hair, and parings of the nails, of
a perfon bewitched, be put in an earthen jar,
with fome horfe- nails, and hung up in the
chimney, the witch will be be in the greateſt
torment imaginable, and under the neceffity of
endeavouring to get the bottle or jar into her
poffeffion.
Z
WIG S.
THE wig has ferved as a diſtinguiſhing mark
to ſeveral perfons in later times.
LIEUTENANT-GENERAL Whitford, colonel of
the 9th regiment, was known throughout the
army by the nick-name of White Wig.
Two General Pattifons were alfo diftin-
guiſhed on a foreign expedition by the titles of
Queue and Toupie..
MR.
:
298
EXTRACT S, &c.
MR. Wood, of the artillery, was diftinguifhed
from another officer of the fame name in that
corps, by the appellation of Wig-Wood,
GENERAL Skinner, the engineer, generally
wore a large black wig. At Bellifle, a ferjeant,
who had heard him deſcribed by his wig, ſeeing
him coming, turned out his guard by crying,
"Turn out the guard, the wig! the wig!
Extempore Verfes, by a Watchmaker of
in Dorſetſhire, on that Corporation; fuppofed to
be under the influence of Mr. Banks and Mr.
Bond, gentlemen of the neighbourhood.
DAMN'D in with Banks,
Bound in by Bonds,
Ye dupes and flaves to men;
Cancel your Bonds,
Break down your Banks,
Then you'll be free again.
A hand-
:
EXTRACTS, &c.
299
A hand-bill fuck up in feveral parts of the city
of Dublin, July 31, 1784.
THIS is to certify, that I Daniel O'Flannaghan,
am not the perfon that was tarred and feathered
by the Liberty mob, on Tueſday laft; and I
am ready to give twenty guineas to any one
that will lay me fifty, that I am the other man
who goes by my name.
Witneſs my hand, this 30th July.
Daniel O'Flannaghan.
Written on the breast of an emblematical figure of
Gluttony, affixed against a public house in the
corner of Cock-lane, Pye-corner.
*This boy is a memorial fet up for the fire
of London, occafioned by the fin of gluttony,
1666.
A kind of verfe on the above occafion.
* Ironmonger-lane was red-fire hot,
Milk-ftreet boiled over,
It began at Pudding-lane,
And ended at Pie-corner.
EP I-
300
EPITAPHS.
EPITAPH S.*
On a Serjeant of the Surry militia.
HALT, foldier, pafs not by in fuch a hurry!
Here lies a ferjeant of the royal Surry;
John Dennis nam'd, a portly grenadier,
Whom all the privates did both love and fear.
Two companies he paid, yet none could fay
He ever wrong'd a foldier of his pay.
Grim Death, alas! whoſe rofter all muſt proves
Warn'd him for duty in the heavens above;
Meantime his body here muft reft in clay,
Until turn'd out the laft grand-mufter day!
* The author had made a very large collection of epi-
taphs; of theſe the moſt curious have been felected: a few of
the first are apparently of the author's own compofing.
Epitaph,
!
EPITAPH S.
301
Epitaph, in the true ftone-cutter's style.
HERE lies the body of Thomas Dollman,
A vaftly fat, tho' not a very tall man;
Pay ferjeant was he in the Royal Surry,
A better I thinks you'll not fee in a hurry:
Full twenty ſtone he weigh'd, yet I am told,
His captain thought him worth his weight in
gold;
Grim death, who ne'er to nobody fhews favor,
Hurried him off, for all his good behaviour;
Regardleſs of his weight, he bundled him away,
'Fore any one Jack Robinſon could ſay:
Soldier take care, and by him pray take warning,
You may be dead ere night, tho' alive and well
in the morning.
On a Wife.
My dame and I, full twenty years,
Liv'd man and wife together;
I could no longer keep her here,
She's gone the Lord knows whither.
Of tongue ſhe was exceeding free,
I purpoſe not to flatter;
Of all the wives that e'er I fee,
None e'er like her could chatter;
Cc
Her
302
EPITAPHS.
:
Her body is diſpoſed well,
A comely grave doth hide her;
And fure her foul is not in hell,
The devil could never abide her;
Which makes me think fhe is aloft;
For in the laſt great thunder
Methought I heard her well-known voice
Rending the clouds afunder.
On one Munday, who hanged himfelf.
SACRED be the Sabbath, fie on filthy pelf;
Tueſday begins the week, Munday hath hang'd
himſelf.
On a Dyer.
I lived by dying, and acquired much wealth,
Stuffs long I dyed, but laftly died myſelf.
Another.
I dyed to live, and yet tho' ſtrange moſt true,
By dying loft my life and buſineſs too.
On
EPITAPH 3,
303
On a Seaman.
My watch perform'd, lo here at reſt I lay,
Not to turn out till refurrection day.
On a Taylor.
CABBAGED by death and in his eye laid by,
The remnant of a taylor here doth lye.
On Alderman W------, of Guildford; by Nicholas
Turner, Efq. of Stoke.
HERE lies C---- W-----n, maker of pipes,
Who died Sunday fe'night of a fit of the gripes;
He was a broker, and a fworn appraiſer,
Yet he hardly knew a candleſtick from a razor;
He was an alderman of our town, and twice
mayor,
But they tell me he could not read the Lord's
prayer:
Which fhews how little learning it does require
To be made his worship, Mr. Mayor, and an
Efquire;
Cc 2
He
304
EPITAPHS.
He was fo ftingy, I have heard him fay often,
He would be bury'd in a fecond-hand coffin:
So I bought him one, as you know I muſt,
For I was appointed his executor in truſt.
I put upon it C------- W----ton, eſquire,
It looked as new as if it came out of the fire;
It had brafs nails, and lacquered hinges,
It was as fine as tho' it came from the Indies.
So the bell rung, and all the aldermen came,
Except Mafter Allen, and he was very lame;
So they talk'd how the poor man grew ficker
and ficker;
They eat fome manchet, and had five fhillings
worth of liquor.
Then Parfon Banifter came, as fierce as any
Dervife,
So I gave him a fcarf, and he read the fervice:
But left you fhould think me indoctus et
brevis,
I muſt fay fomething, fo fit tibi terra levis,
Lay heavy on him clay, 'tis now your turn,
And the burn'd child cannot forget the burn;
Don't you remember the injuries he has done,
How he has wetted you, and dry'd you, and fet
you in the fun?
1
If
EPITAPH S.
305
If theſe are injuries you can forgive,
In this world I am fure you are not fit to live:
Lay heavy on him clay, prefs him down well,
He's in his laft mould, fo friends adieu, farewell..
On a diforderly fellow named CHEST.
HERE lies one Cheft within another;
That cheft was good that's made of wood;
But who'll fay fo of t'other?
On Evan Rice, huntfman to Sir Thomas Manfel;
faid to have been written by Bishop Atterbury.
Vos qui colitis Hubertum,
Inter Divos jam repertum,
Cornu, quod concedens fato
Reliquit vobis, infonato
Lætos folvite canores.
In fingultus et dolores;
Nam quis non trifti fonet ore,,
Conclamato Venatore?
Aut ubi dolor juftus, nifi
Ad tumulum Evani Rift?
Hic
per abrupta et per plana
Nec pede tardo, nec fpe vanâ,
1
Cc 3
Canibus.
306
EPITAPH S.
Canibus et telis egit,
Omne quod in fylvis deget;
Hic evolavit mane puro
Cervis ocyor ac Euro,
Venaticis intentus rebus,
Tum cum medius ardet Phoebus:
Indefeffus adhuc quando
Idem occidit venando.
At vos, venatum, illo duce,
Non furgetis alia luce;
Nam Mors mortalium venator,
Qui, ferinæ nunquam fatur
Curfum prævertit humanum,
Proh dolor rapuit Evanum;
Nec meridies, nec Aurora,
Vobis reddent ejus ora;
Reftat illi nobis flenda
Nox perpetuo dormienda;
Finivit multa laude motum,
In ejus fitu large notum;
Reliquit equos, cornu, canes:
Tandem quiefcant ejus manes.
Evan Rice
Thomas Manfel fervo fideli, dominus bene-
volens pofuit.
On
EPITAPHS.
307
On Evan Rice; Englished by the Reverend
Mr. Goftling.
YE votaries of Hubert come,
(Saint Hubert he is call'd at Rome)
Ye who delight the horn to wind,
Which he to leave you was fo kind;
Change your jolly hunting cries
To lamentations, fobs and fighs.
For who the lofs will not bemoan
Of a keen ſportſman dead and gone;
Or who the tribute of our eyes
May better claim than Evan Rice?
Over the hills and through the plain,
With feet not flow and hopes not vain,
All forts of game, that fly or run,
He would purſue with dog and gun;
At break of day ere Phoebus fhin'd,
Swifter than deer, ſwifter than wind,
Intent on fport he would be gone;
Nor did he mind the heats of noon,
Unwearied till the want of light
Would force him home to reft at night.
But all muſt now his death deplore,
He'll call you out to ſport no more;
The
308
EPITAPHS.
The more unwearied hunter, Death,
Who runs down all things that have breath,
Who fpares no creature under heaven,
Alas! hath overtaken Evan.
No more fhall you, at noon or morn,
Behold his face or hear his horn;
He's gone to his perpetual fleep,
While for him ye that knew him weep.
He finiſh'd decently his courſe,
Left hound and horn, left dog and horfe;
Of characters he bore the beft,
Long may his bones in quiet reft!
On Mr. Croft, a ftaymaker.
READER, this tomb a body chang'd contains,:
Who many boddice form'd with wond'rous pains::
Poor Crofts is now no more, how fhort his stay!
Tho' he for others ftays made many a day.
The Fates, alas! his thread too foon have cut,
And in one grave his bones and bodkins put:
The power of death from hence, learn nought:
efcapes;
For he's a fhadow now, that dealt in shapes:
And learn, ye Britiſh fair, this fix'd decree,
Nor ſhape nor beauty from the grave is free.
On
EPITAPH S.
309
On John Underwood.
AH cruel death! that doft no good,
With thy deſtructive maggots;
Now thou haft cropt our Underwood,
What fhall we do for faggots?
On John and Edward Topham.
READER, We from this monument may gather,
John Topham was one Edward Topham's father;
And what's more ftrange, we find upon this ſtone,
That Edward Topham was John Topham's fon.
In Biddeford Church-yard, Devon.
THE wedding-day appointed was,
And wedding clothes provided;
But ere that day did come, alas!
He ficken'd and he die did.
In Dorchester Church-yard.
FRANK, from his Betty fnatch'd by fate,
Shows how uncertain is our ftate:
He
310
EPITAPH S.
He fmil'd at morn, at noon lay dead,
Flung from a horſe that kick'd his head:
But though he's gone, from tears refrain,
At judgment he'll get up again;
And then to heaven poſt-haſte he'll ride,
And fit with Betty by his fide.
Sir John Trollop, Knt. is faid to have had a grave
dug for himſelf ſome years before his deceaſe, in
the chancel of a church built at his expence: by
the fide of the grave was placed his own figure
in marble, with his right hand pointing to the
building and his left to the grave: on his breaft
were painted the following lines:
I, Sir John Trollop,
Made theſe ftones roll-up;
When God fhall take my foul up,
My body ſhall fill that hole up.
On the lady of Dr. Greenwood, of
died in child-bed.
who
O cruel tyrant, Death! thou haft cut down
The fairest Greenwood in all this town:
Her worth and amiable qualities were fuch,
She certainly deferv'd a lord or a judge;
But
EPITAPH S.
311
But her piety and great humility
Rather made her chufe a doctor of divinity:
For which heroic act among the reſt,
She was justly deem'd the Phoenix of her fex;
And, like that bird, a young fhe did create,
To comfort thoſe ſhe left difconfolate.
My grief for her was fo fore,
That I can only utter four lines more:
For her's and other good women's fake,
Never let a blifter be put upon a lying-in-
woman's back;
For in all diforders of the bladder and womb,
It never fails, I think, to bring the patient to
the tomb.
On a Lieutenant of marines.
HERE lies retir'd from bufy ſcenes,
A firft lieutenant of marines;
Who lately liv'd in peace and plenty,
On board the fhip nam'd Diligente.
Now ftrip'd of all his warlike fhew,
And laid in box of elm below;
Confin'd in earth in narrow borders,
He rifes not till further orders.
On
312
EPITAPHS.
On a Sailor; in Leoftoffe church-yard, Suffolk.
THO' Boreas' winds, tempeftuous waves
Have toft me to and fro,
In fpite of both, by God's decree,
I harbour here below;
And tho' at anchor here I lie,
With many of our fleet,
Yet once again I hope to rife,
My admiral Chrift to meet.
In the church-yard of Seven Oaks, Kent.
GRIM death took me without any warning,
I was well at night, and dead at nine in the
morning.
In Weft Grinstead church-yard, Suffex.
VAST ſtrong was I, but yet did dye,
And in my grave aſleep I lye;
My grave is fteaned round about,
Yet I hope the Lord will find me out.
On
EPITAPHS.
313
On
Du Bois, a fencing-maſter, born in a
baggage waggon, and killed in a duel: faid to
be written by Lord Rochford.
BEGOT in a cart, in a cart firſt drew breath,
Carte and tierce was his life, and a carte was his
death!
In Rochester church-yard, Kent: in memory of
Sarah Elway, of the parish of Breadpoor.
Tho' young fhe was,
Her youth could not withſtand,
Nor her protect from death's
Impartial hand.
Life is a cobweb, be we e'er fo gay,
And death a broom
That fweeps us all away.
On a grave-ftone in St. Margaret's Church-yard,
Rochefter.
CHRIST's death my life, my life to death is
portal,
So through two deaths I have one life immortal.
Dd
In
314
EPITAPHS.
In the church-yard of Chrift-church, Hants, on the
weft fide of the path leading to the porch.
We were not flayne, but rays'd,
Rays'd not to life;
But to be buried twice,
By men of ftrife.
What reft could living have,
When dead had none?
Agree amongſt you,
Heere we ten are one.
Hen. Rogers died April 17th 1764.
I. R.
The meaning of the above Epitaph is doubtful.
Tradition fays it alludes to the following fact. The
bodies of ten drowned perfons being driven on shore,
were buried in the field of a man who confidered it
as an invafion on his property, and caused them to
b'e dug up again, when they were removed to the
church-yard. The tone on which this infcription
was engraved, having been thrown down and almost
buried, was cleaned and again fet up by Mr. Rich-
mond of Christ-church.
On
EPITAPHS.
315
1
On Thomas Day, in the church-yard at Iflington,
1784.
ART thou alive Thomas ?---Yes, with God
on high,
Art thou not dead Thomas ?----Yes, and here
I lie.
I that with men on earth did live to die;
Died for to live with God eternally.
In Alresford Church-yard, Hampshire: on an
officer in the excife.
No fupervifor's check he fears,
Now no commiffioner obeys;
He's free from cares, entreaties, tears,
And all the heavenly orb ſurveys.
On John Treffry, Efq.
HERE in this chancell do I ly,
Known by the name of John Treffry,
Being made and born for to dye,
So muſt thou, friend, as well as I:
Therefore good works be fure to try,
But chiefly love and charity;
Dd2
And
316
EPITAPHS.
And ſtill on them with faith rely,
So be happy eternally.
Soli Deo gloria.
This was put up during the lifetime of Mr.
Treffry, by his direction; he was a whimfical
kind of man he had his grave digged, and lay
down and fwore in it, to fhew the fexton a novelty,
i. e. a man fwearing in his grave.
At the east end of the chancel of Ledbury church,
Herefordshire, lies interred Charles Godwyn,,
(Jon of Bishop Godwyn,) and Dorothy his wife,
with this conceited infcription:
Præibit Dorothea,
Sequetur Carolus,
Ambo refurgent.
God-wyn the one, God won the other.
On John Langdon, organ-builder and phyfician 2
written by a schoolmaster near Cambridge.
Muficus et medicus Langdon jacet hicce
Johannes,
Organa namque loqui fecerat ipfe quafi.
Phyſician and muſician both, John Langdon
lieth here,
Who tuneful organs made to ſpeak, a fort of as
it were.
On
EPITAPHS.
317
On Mr. Levett's huntſman, interred in Green-hill
church-yard, near Litchfield, Staffordshire.
HERE'S run to ground juft in his prime,
The ftouteft huntfman of his time;
None e'er lov'd better hound or horfe,
No ditch till this e'er ftopp'd his courfe.
Tho' out at length he here is caft,
By fate untimely hurry'd;
Yet in at death, he'll be at laſt,
When Death himfelf is worried.
On a Bailiff.
HERE lies a bailiff, who oft arreſted men,
And for large bribes did let them go again;
Now feiz'd by Death, no gold can ſet him free,
For Death's a catchpole proof againſt a fee.
The following epitaph made by a husband on the
deceaſe of his fecond wife, who happened to be
interred immediately adjoining his former one,
is copied from a ſtone in a church-yard in the
county of Kent.
HERE es the body of Sarah Sexton,
Who was a good wife, and never vex'd one :
I can't ſay that for her at the next ſtone!
D d 3
A clem y
318
EPITAPHS,
A clergyman in Effex, near the place, gave me
(T. A.) from his own mouth, the following odd
epitaph, that actually ftill exists in Edmington.
church-yard, Effex.
"HIC jacet Newberryldill,
Vitam finivit cum Cochice Pill
Quis adminiſtravit ?
Bellamy Su..
Quantum quantitat?
Nefcio. Scifne tu?
Ne futor ultra crepidam.
Obiit Anno Dom. 1242. Ætat. 24.
1
N. B. The clerk or church-wardens are allowed
fmall falary to keep it always in repair.
On a publican.
A jolly landlord once was I,
And kept the Old King's Head, hard by,
Sold mead and gin, cyder and beer,
And eke all other kinds of cheer;
Till Death my licenſe took away,
And put me in this houſe of clay;
A houſe at which you all muſt call,
Sooner or later, great and mall.
On
1
EPITAPHS.
319
On a failor; in Harwich church-yard.
OH! why ſhould I be loth to die,
That liv'd fo long in pain?
To be with Chriſt is ever beſt,
With him for to remain:-
But when pale Death drew my laſt breath,
He freed me from all pain.
He's anchor'd me here, without deſpair,
Amidſt my little fleet;
Yet once again we muſt fet fail
Our Admiral Chrift to meet,
Another.
THO' Boreas?' blafts and Neptune's waves.
Have tofs'd me to and fro,
Yet, fpite of both, by God's decrees,
I harbour here below...
In Northleach church, Gloucestershire, on a perfor
of the name of Stone.
JERUSALEM'S Curfe was ne'er fulfill'd in me,
For here a ftone upon a Stone you fee.
t
320
EPITAPHS.
¡
In the north chancel, in Boughton Church, on a
marble stone is the following epitaph; writ-
ten in old-print letters.
I now that lye within this marble ſtone,
Was call'd Thomas Hawkins by my name,
My terme of life an hundred years and one,
King Henry the Eighth I ferv'd, which won
me ffame,
Who was to me a gracious prince allwaies,
And made me well to ſpend my aged daies.
My ſtature high, my body huge and ſtrong,
Excelling all that lived in mine age;
But nature ſpent, death would not tarry long,
To fetch the pledge which life had laid to
gauge.
My fatal day, if thou deſireſt to know,
Behold the figures written here below.
15th March, 1587.
Tradition fays that this Thomas Hawkins was
the first yeoman of the guard.
.
In
EPITAPH S.
321
In Hearne church-yard, Kent.
HERE lies a piece of Chrift, a star in duſt,
A vein of gold, a China difh, that muſt
Be us'd in heaven, when God ſhall feed his juſt.
Approved by all, and loved fo well,
Tho' young, like fruit that's ripe, he fell.
1737.
In Guildford church-yard.
READER pafs on, ne'er waſte your time
On bad biography and bitter rhyme,
For what I am this cumb'rous clay infures,
And what I was, is no affair of yours.
Printed for S. HOOPER.
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