UNIVE YOF MICHIGAN
GENERAL LIBRARY
ILLIAMS BATE
BEQUEST
1
CRAZY TALES;
AND
F A BLES
FOR
GROWN GENTLEMEN.
J
1
JINS
OF
Frontispiece
CASTLE
CRAZY
TTL 1
R
1
CRAZY TALES;
AND
F A BLES
FOR
GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Σκηνη πας ὁ Βιος και παιγνιον, η μαθε παίζειν
Την σπεδην μελαθεις η φερέ τας οδύνας.
Life is a Farce, mere Children's Play,
Go learn to model thine by theirs,
Go learn to trifle Life away,
Or learn to bear a Life of Cares.
J'abandonne l'exactitude
Aux gens qui riment par métier;
D'autres font des vers par étude,
J'en fais pour me defennuïer.
í
GRESSET.
A New Edition, with Additions.
LONDON:
Printed for J. DoDSLEY in Pall-Mall, and T. BECKET
in the Strand.
M,DCC,LXXX.
ち
​}
*
1
[ v ]
THE
AUTHOR'S DEDICATION to Himſelf.
Ever honoured and worthy Sir,
HE reverence and refpect due to one's
TH
felf is the greateſt of all, fays Py-
THAGORAS: knowing how difficult it is to
ſerve two maſters, the Author is, and hopes
he fhall always continue, accountable only to
one.
There is fomething ſo engaging in your
fervice, that, though he can feldom do any
thing entirely to your fatisfaction, yet he
cannot find in his heart to be angry with you,
or to wish to change his dependence.
He is too fenfible of your difcernment, to
have any thoughts of wheedling you into an
opinion of his performance; of the two, he
A 3
believes
[ vi ]
believes he could fooner prevail upon the
world to be indulgent: the world has too
much buſineſs upon its hands to be a fevere
judge, or to be difficult to pleaſe in trifles;
the world muſt be amufed, but, like the befoin
d'aimer, there is no neceffity for perfection, to
be one of the tranfient objects of its amuſe-
ment.
in
All that the Author expects from you, is,
that you will excufe his folly, and admit his
apology for fuffering fuch trifles to appear
public; he can deal with other critics well
enough, if he is not condemned by you;
being,
Ever honoured and worthy Sir,
with infinite attention,
your moſt humble fervant,
A. S.
[vii]
Primum ego me illorum, dederim quibus eſſe poetas,
Excerpam numero·
Ex hoc ego fanus ab illis
Perniciem quæcunque ferunt; mediocribus, et queis
Ignofcas, vitiis teneor
ubi quid datur otî,
Illudo chartis. Hoc eft mediocribus illis
Ex vitiis unum; cui fi concedere nolis,
Multa poëtarum veniet manus, auxilio quæ
Sit mihi: nam multo plures fumus: ac veluti te
Judæi cogemus in hanc concedere turbam.
By a manœuvre I conceive, &c. an ingenious
Commentator may endeavour to charge the Author
with impiety, as if he ridiculed Circumcifion;
but, befides his being led into the mention of cir-
cumcifion by Horace, he only fpeaks of the opera-
tion, not of the inftitution; that there is an eſſen-
tial difference between them, as well as degrees of
nicety or ingenuity in the operative part, he will
demonftrate.
No body can deny the ingenuity of his Couſin
TRISTRAM's operation, if it had been produced by
contrivance and ſtudy, inſtead of accident. If all
children were circumcifed by the Shandean opera-
tion, by the fall of a fafh upon the forefkin, the
difference in the operation would make no change
in
[ viii]
inthe inſtitution; as a Prieft would be a Prieft,
whether he received the Spirit by a gentle tap, or
obtained it by a more violent kind of electricity, by
being knocked down.
So far from any impiety in the Author's propofi-
tion, we are bound to believe, if there had been
any faſhes in the wildernefs, that the Shandean
operation would have been preferred to the Mofaic,
which was performed by two flint ftones; becauſe
the Shandean is more expeditious, lefs painful, lefs
dangerous, and confequently nicer and more in-
genious. QE. D.
Upon a proper occafion the Author hopes he will
be able to clear himfelf as fully of all intentional
obscenity, which may alſo be imputed to him by an
ingenious Commentator.
Trublet, vol. iv. p. 6. "On compoſe pour im-
primer, j'imprime pour compofer. Si en compoſant
je n'avois pas le but de l'impreffion, mon travail ne
feroit pas affez animé pour me fauver de l'ennui,
quelqu'eut été le fort de mes Effais, &c. J'en avois
deja retiré, avant de les publier, un fruit affez pre-
cieux que le ſuccès même. Ils m'avoient longtems
occupé fans trop m'appliquer."
THE
[ix]
THE
Author's APOLOGY to Himfelf
F
REE from all pernicious vice,
Yet not fo fcrupulouſly good,
To want a comfortable fpice,
To warm a fober Chriſtian's blood.
The fin of Harlotry and Keeping,
Is that which I can leaft excufe,
That of cohabiting and fleeping,
With an abandon'd common Muſe.
More like a Mufe's poor toad-eater;
A trollop with a flippant air,
Without one amiable feature,
Or any graces to her ſhare.
You tell me, if I needs muſt print,
You'll not oppofe my fooliſh will,
And
[ x ]
{
And bid me take a fober hint
From fober folks at Strawberry-Hill.
Stand forth like them, produce yourſelf,
Be elegantly bound and letter'd,
Be wife, like them, nor quit your ſhelf,
But there remain, for ever fetter'd.
I do not print to get a name;
AS TRUBLET fays, I am none of thoſe;
I only print, becauſe my aim
Is happiness, whilſt I compoſe:
Compofing gives us no delight,
Unleſs we mean to publiſh what we write.
Scribbling, like Praying, 's an employment,
In which you think yourſelf a bubble,
Without fome profpect of enjoyment,
And fatisfaction for your trouble;
And though your hopes at laſt prove vain,
If you have been amus'd, 'twas fo much gain.
If you ſtill teaze me, and perſiſt
That publiſhing fhews a vain heart,
The Songsters upon DODSLEY's lift
Shall be call'd in to take my part.
10
And
[xi]
And as they ftrip a lad quite bare,
After they've coax'd him from his play,
Then lay him down, and cut and pare
All his impediments away:
And as the lad without his leave
Is made an excellent Mufician,
By a manœuvre I conceive
As nice as TRISTRAM'S Circumcifion :
So, tho' you only juſt can ſcrape
Among the Fidlers of the Nine,
They'll make you drunker than an ape,
And make you think you fiddle fine.
PROLOGUE
PROLOGUE
то тн Е
CRAZY
TALES.
Quod petis hic eft,
Eft Ulubris, animus fi te non deficit æquus.
HERE is a Caftle in the North,
TH
Seated upon a fſwampy clay,
At preſent but of little worth,
In former times it had its day.
This ancient Caftle is call'd CRAZY,
Whoſe mould'ring walls a moat environs,
Which moat goes heavily and lazy,
Like a poor priſoner in irons.
B
Many
2
PROLOGUE TO THE
Many a time I've ſtood and thought,
Seeing the boat upon this ditch,
It look'd as if it had been brought
For the amuſement of a Witch,
To fail amongſt applauding frogs,
With water-rats, dead cats and dogs.
The boat fo leaky is and old,
That if you're fanciful and merry,
You may conceive, without being told,
That it reſembles Charon's wherry.
A turret alfo you may note,
Its glory vanifh'd like a dream,
Transform'd into a pigeon-cote,
Nodding befide the fleepy ftream.
From whence, by fteps with mofs o'ergrown,
You mount upon a terrace high,
Where ſtands that heavy pile of ſtone,
Irregular and all awry.
If many a buttress did not reach
A kind, and falutary hand,
Did not encourage, and befeech,
The terrace and the houfe to ftand,
Left
CRAZY TALE S.
3
Left to themſelves and at a lofs,
They'd tumble down, into the fofs.
Over the Caſtle hangs a tow'r,
Threatning deftruction ev'ry hour,
Where owls, and bats, and the jackdaw,
Their Vefpers and their Sabbath keep,
All night ſcream horribly, and caw,
And fnore all day, in horrid fleep.
Oft at the quarrels and the noiſe
Of ſcolding maids or idle boys;
Myriads of rooks rife up and fly,
Like legions of damn'd fouls,
As black as coals,
That foul and darken all the ſky.
With wood the Caftle is furrounded,
Except an opening to a Peak,
Where the beholder ftands confounded,
At fuch a ſcene of mountains bleak;
Where nothing goes,
Except fome folitary pewit,
And carrion crows,
That feem fincerely to rue it,
B 2
That
4
PROLOGUE TO THE
That look as if they had been baniſh'd,
And had been fentenc'd to be famifh'd..
Where nothing grows,
So keen it blows,
Save here and there a graceleſs fir,
From Scotland, with its kindred fled,
That moves its arms, and makes a ftir,
And toffes its fantaftick head,
That ſeems to make a noiſe and cry,
Only for want of company.
So a Scotch Minifter in pulpit,
Is wrought by his geſticulation,.
'Till he is taken with a dull fit,
Peculiar to that vocation.
:
He cries, and throws about his fnivel,
Their hearts are harder than the flint,
They let him weep alone, and drivel,
For not a foul will take the hint.
In this retreat, whilom fo fweet,
Once TRISTRAM and his Coufin dwelt,
They talk of CRAZY when they meet,
As if their tender hearts would melt.
Confounded
CRAZY TALE S.
5
Confounded in Time's common urn,
With Harlots, Miniſters, and Kings,
O could fuch ſcenes again return!
Like thoſe infipid common things!
Many a grievous, heavy heart,
To CRAZY Caftle would repair,
That grew, from dragging like a cart,
Elaſtick and as light as air,
Some fell to fiddling, fome to fluting,
Some to fhooting, fome to fiſhing,
Others to piſhing and diſputing,
Or to computing by vain wiſhing.
And in the evening when they met,
To think on't always does me good,
There never met a jollier fet,
Either before, or fince the Flood.
As long as CRAZY Caſtle lafts,
Their Tales will never be forgot,
And CRAZY may ſtand many blafts,
And better caftles go to pot.
B 3
ANTONY,
.!
6
PROLOGUE, &c.
ANTONY, Lord of CRAZY Caſtle,
Neither a fisher, nor a fhooter,
No man's, but any woman's vaffal,
If he could find a way to ſuit her;
Collected all their Tales into a book,
Which you may fee if you go there to look.
AN
ANTONY'S
CRAZY TALES, &c.
ANTONY'S TALE:
OR THE
Boarding-School TALE.
TALE I.
UCY was not like other laffes,
L'
From twelve her breafts fwell'd in a trice,
First they were like two cupping-glaffes,
Then like two peaches made of ice;
With fwimming eyes and golden locks,
Golden embroidery and fringe,
Like an ivory or Drefden box,
Mounted with golden lips and hinge:
B 4
Or
8
ANTONY'S TALE
ว
Or like the Glory round the head,
Of virgin Saints weeping and pale,
When they are facrific'd, and led
To martyrdom, or to a male :
Or as a comet's golden tail is;
Or like the undulating light
Of the aurora borealis,
In a ferene autumnal night.
It is a fhame, fays her Mamma,
To fee a child with bib and apron,
At BARE thirteen, an age fo RAW,
Grown and furniſh'd like a matron.
But if it was a Burning Shame,
Lucy was not at all to blame,
But they, who in her compofition,
Infus'd that warmth which was the cauſe
Of fuch exuberant nutrition,
The work of vegetative laws.
It was juſt at the age I mention'd,
Upon a very flight offence,
Mifs Lucy was condemn'd and penfion'd,
Both againſt equity and fenfe,
Within
ANTONY'S
9
TAL E.
Within a Boarding-ſchool's detefted walls,
Doom'd to feel all its rigours, all its thralls;
To endure the hunger and the chidings!
To feel the longings and the watchings!
To dread the ſtealings and the hidings!
To bear the quarrels and the fcratchings!
And then fuch billings, and fuch cooings!
Such Mifs-demeanours and excufes !
Such Mifs-takes, and fuch Mifs-doings!
And fuch Mifs-fortunes and abuſes!
There was a Captain of the Guards,
A famous Knight of Arthur's table,
Expert in woman, vers'd in cards,
A brother of the Turf and Stable,
He had fuch a command of features,
And was fo droll and full of ſport,
He could take off all the queer creatures,
And oddities of Arthur's Court.
Set Arthur's Worthies in a row,
So very comical a Knight,
You could not fingle out and fhew,
Nor one that gave ſo much delight.
One
IO
ANTONY'S TALE.
One day whilſt our Knight was buſy,
Extremely busy with her Mother,
Lucy had run 'till ſhe was dizzy,
About the Garden with her brother.
The Captain's bus'nefs being done,
He faunter'd up and down the Garden,
As if he had neither loſt nor won,
As if he did not care a farthing.
Yet his attention was profound,
Obferving Lucy grown fo tall;
Contemplating her breaſts as round,
And ſpringy as a tennis-ball.
The fight, indeed, was quite bewitching,
I think I fee him whilft I'm fcribbling,
Mouth watering, and fingers itching,
To be both fingering and nibbling.
To gratify the two young chicks,
He roll'd his eyes, and acted Punch;
Playing a thouſand monkey tricks,
Making his back a perfect bunch.
}
With
ANTONY'S
II
TALE.
With many a filthy flobbering kiſs,
Courting in Punch's fqueaking tone,
And wriggling and embracing Miſs,
As Punch embraces his wife Joan.
And how to imitate a breaft,
The Captain faid that Mifs had plac'd,
Swelling on each ſide of her cheſt,
Two little dumplins made of paſte;
At which Punch gap'd, and ſwore an oath,
That he would take and eat them both.
On Lucy's neck the hungry ſpark
Hung fix'd, like an envenom'd ſnake,
Leaving a deep indented mark,
Which her Mamma could not miſtake;
For which irregular proceeding,
Lucy was fent to ftudy breeding.
Lucy was angry with good caufe,
For fhe had feen in Summer days,
Necks very like her own Mamma's,
Without a handkerchief or ſtays;
It
12
ANTONY'S TAL E.
It might be fuller and more nouriſh'd,
And yet a neck not more inviting,
Lucy had feen it fcrawl'd and flouriſh'd
Both with marks, and with hand-writing.
Lucy was under no miſtake,
For it was not fo long ago;
LUCY was curious and awake,
And old enough, fhe thought, to know.
Would it not make one almoſt wild,
If it was not ſo very common;
To fee one puniſh'd like a child,
Only for acting like a woman?
To ſee the moment after, may be,
Her mother acting like a baby.
Sent to a Governeſs of ſpirit,
LUCY was watch'd from head to foot,
Juft like a rabbit with a ferret,
For ever at the rabbit's ſcut.
All the whole day in durance kept,
At night the Governeſs with Lucy flept,
But
ANTON Y'S TALE,
13
But Lucy neither flept, nor flumber'd,
She tofs'd and tumbled all the night;
Her fpirits were fo much encumber'd,
And flurry'd by the Captain's bitę.
Whether their poifon they impart,
By teeth, or nails, or by a fting,
There is a virtue in fome part,
Of every poisonous thing.
Tho' the experiment ſhould fright her,
Enough to throw her in a fit,
Lucy must apply the biter,
Unto the poifon'd part that's bit.
Granted; but how could the contrive
To bring fo hard a point to bear?
'Twould puzzle any wit alive,
That had not a great deal to ſpare.
There's a remark, 'twas made long fince,
MACHIAVEL made it for his Prince;
"A Prince, fays he, completely cruel,
CC
Throughout inexorably bad,
"Is an inestimable jewel,
"Seldom or never to be had."
5
Tho
14
TALE.
ANTONY'S
j
Tho' cruel often, and hard-hearted,
Lucy's Mamma could not withſtand,
She gave her bleffing when they parted,
And flipp'd a guinea into Lucy's hand.
With one poor guinea Lucy bought
All that the Wife, the Rich, and Great,
So frequently in vain have fought,
Both in the world and their retreat.
No potentate could ever buy it,
Nor any child of Power and Wealth,
Tranquillity or mental Quiet,
With Liberty, Content, and Health.
LUCY conducted her affairs
So circumspectly, and ſo ſnug,
By bribes fhe gain'd a friend down ftairs,
And made a purchaſe of a drug,
Which drug is, in the vulgar tongue,
Commonly call'd, The Devil's Dung.
Within the lining of her gown,
In two ſmall bags under each arm,
She beat and fow'd it nicely down,
As if he had fow'd down a charm.
9
The
ANTONY'S TALE. 15
The exhalation was ſo ſtrong
From every part of Lucy's cloaths,
The Miffes, as ſhe paſs'd along,
Bruſhed away, and held their noſe.
By far the greateſt part prefum'd,
That it was owing to her hair,
Others prefum'd ſhe was perfum'd,
From being rotten as a pear.
The ſcent ſo violent was grown,
Her Governeſs was forc'd to yield,
The room, the maid, were all her own,
Arms, tents, and baggage, and the field.
ODE to VENUS.
O VENUS, awful Sovereign of the Springs
Could I like thy LUCRETIUS fing,
Here would I paufe, thy wonders to relate !
Here would I paufe, to hymn thy praiſe,
In adamantine words, ftronger than Fate,
And everlaſting as his lays!
D'ea
16
ANTONY'S TALE.
O'er feas and deferts, undiſmay'd,
Strengthen'd by thy infpiring breath,
The timorous and bafhful maid,
Faces both infamy and death.
Driven by thy divinity,
Confounding equity and truth,
Order and confanguinity,
And loathfome age and blooming youth.
Behold the frantick paffion how it burns,
Like a wild beaſt breaks every tie,
Laughs at the Prieft; the Legiſlator ſpurns,
And gives both heav'n and earth the lye !
Let youth and infolence alone,
Provoke thy vengeance every hour,
But O! fpare thoſe that know, that own,
Adore, and tremble at thy power.
With thy propitious doves defcend,
And hear the tender virgin's fighs,
The humble and the meek defend,
And bid the proftrate fuppliant riſe.
By
ANTONY'S TALE.
17
BY VENUS LUCY was protected,
Nothing was hurry'd, or neglected,
The Miffes, tho' fhe was quite well,
Tofs'd up their noſes, full of airs,
Tho' Lucy now had no one ſmell,
That was not pleaſanter than theirs.
For a whole winter, every night
(Which made the wench grow monſtrous thin)
'Till the war call'd him out to fight,
Had SUSAN let the Captain in.
Scarce had he left his native coaſt,
'Till Lucy, fummon'd home, became
A celebrated London toaſt,
And the firft favourite of Fame.
Lucy was follow'd by a Peer,
Cut all his arts could not trepan her,
After a fiege of a whole year,
My Lord was forc'd to change his manner;
So, like a wife and virtuous girl,
Lucy, at laft, was marry'd to an Earl.
C
My
[ 18 ]
My COUSIN'S TALE
O F
A COCK and a BULL.
TALE II.
A
T CAMBRIDGE, many years ago,
In JESUS, was a Walnut-tree;
The only thing it had to fhew,
The only thing folks went to fee.
Being of fuch a fize and maſs,
And growing in fo wife a College,
I wonder how it came to pafs,
It was not call'd the Tree of Knowledge.
Indeed, if you attempt to run,
(The air ſo heavy is, and muddy)
Any great length beyond a pun,
You'll be obliged to fweat and ftudy.
This
MY COUSIN'S TALE, &c.
19
This is the reaſon 'tis fo good for tifics,
And will account, why no one ſoph,
No Fellow, ever could hit off,
To call this Tree, the Tree of Metaphyfics:
Tho', in the midſt of the quadrangle,
They ev'ry one were taught their trade;
They ev'ry one were taught to wrangle,
Beneath its fcientific fhade.
It overſhadow'd ev'ry room,
And confequently, more or lefs,
Forc'd ev'ry brain, in ſuch a gloom,
To grope its way, and go by gueſs.
For ever going round about,
For that which lies before your noſe;
And when you come to find it out,
It is not like what you fuppofe.
So have I often ſeen in fogs,
A may-pole taken for a ſteeple ;
Chriftians oft miftook for hogs,
Horfes ta'en for Chriftian people.
C 2
This
1
20 MY COUSIN'S TALE
This ftroke upon my tender brain
Remains, I doubt, imprefs'd for ever;
For to this day, when with much pain,
try to think ſtrait on, and clever,
I fidle out again, and ſtrike
Into the beautiful oblique.
Therefore, I have no one notion,
That is not form'd, like the deſigning
Of the peristaltic motion ;
Vermicular; twiſting and twining;
Going to work
Juft like a bottle-fkrew upon a cork.
This obliquity of thinking
I cur'd, formerly, by Logic,
And a habitude of drinking
Infufions pædagogic.
The cure is worſe than the diſeaſe,
'Tis juſt like drinking ſo much gall;
So I keep thinking at my eaſe;
That is, I never think at all.
Thus
OF A COCK AND A BULL. 21
Thus a prefuming Mifs defigns,
Quite overwhelm'd with fooliſh pride,
She drops her paper with black lines,
And truſts herſelf without a guide.
No longer kept within due bounds,
For any thing that you can ſay,
Her letters, like unruly hounds,
Running all a different way;
No longer writes as heretofore,
But writes awry both now and evermore.
But, a-propos, of bottle-fkrews,
You've ſeen a Parfon at a table,
Whoſe buſineſs was to read the news,
And draw a cork, if he was able.
And do remember, I dare fay,
The foolish figure that he makes,
When the cork will not come away,
For all the pains the Parfon takes.
By bit and bit he makes it come,
'Till he is forc'd, againſt his will,
To puſh it forward with his thumb;
He has conducted it fo ill:
C 3
The
22 MY COUSIN'S TALE
The reaſon is, his fkrew is blunt,
And will not do as it was wont.
Thus with my head have I been here,
Screwing to get at what I wanted:
That you might have a Tale as clear
And bright as if it was decanted.
But as your time and patience are ſo ſhort,
I'll try to get at it in any fort.
IN Italy there is a town,
Anciently of great renown;
Call'd, by the Volfcians, Privernum;
A fortreſs againſt the Romans,
Maintain'd, becauſe it did concern 'em,
Spite of Rome, and all her omens ;
But to their coft,
At the long run their town was loſt.
Whether 'twas forc'd or did furrender,
You never need, my dear Sir, know,
Provided you will but remember,
Privernum fignifies Piperno.
Clofe
OF A COCK AND A BULL. 23
Cloſe by the Franciſcan Friars,
There liv'd a Saint, as all declare,
All the world cannot be lyars,
Which Saint wrought miracles by pray'r.
Her life fo holy was, and pure,
Her pray'rs at all times, they believe,
Could heirs or heireffes fecure,
And make the barren womb conceive.
Which was a very ſafe expedient,
And alfo wonderful convenient:
For there was not a barren womb,
That might not try,
Going between Naples and Rome,
As the pafs'd by.
My ſtory will not be the worſe,
If you will but reflect with patience,
Upon the conftant intercourſe.
Between theſe famous neighbour nations.
It is fo great, that I dare ſay,
The Saint could have but little eaſe;
She must have been both night and day,
Continually on her knees.
C 4
For
24 MY COUSIN'S TALE
For I can prove it very clear,
That many of thoſe wombs are barren,
Which wombs, were they tranfplanted here,
Would breed like rabbits in a warren.
Near Terracina, once call'd Anxur,
There is a place call'd Bofco Folto,
A caſtle ſtanding on a bank, Sir,
The feat of the Marchefe STOLTO.
In hiſtory you all have read,
Moſt of you have, I'm pretty ſure,
How on that road there is no bed,
Nor any inn, you can endure.
For STOLTO I had got a letter,
From my good friend, Prince MALA-FEDE,
And from the Princeſs a much better,
Wrote to his Excellency's Lady.
The Marquis is advanc'd in years,
And dries you fo, there's no eſcaping;
The merrieft, when he appears,
Yawn, and fet the reft a gaping.
Seccare
!
OF A COCK AND A BULL. 25
Seccare is a word of fun;
It means to dry, as you may find,
Not like the fire, or like the fun,
But like a cold unpleafant wind.
But ſhe is perfectly well bred;
Neither too forward, nor too fhy:
I never did, in any head,
In all my life, ſee ſuch an eye;
Nor fuch a head on any ſhoulders;
Nor fuch a neck, with fuch a ſwell,
That could preſent itſelf ſo well,
To all the critical beholders.
Four years the Marquis was hum-drumming,
In that fame place, with his bed-fellow,
Waiting for the happy coming
Of a young Marquis, a STOLTELLO.
As foon as ever he arrives,
The family is to be ſent to
The Cardinal at Benevento,
For the remainder of their lives.
The
26 MY COUSIN'S TALE
The Cardinal is STOLTO's nephew,
His age is only twenty-feven;
And of that age, alas how few!
Who think, like him, of nought but Heav'n.
His aunt will manage and take care
Of all the Cardinal's affairs,
STOLTELLO is to be his heir,
When he has finifh'd all his prayers.
STOLTO may live as he thinks good,
His life delightfully will run,
Between his caftle in the wood,
His wife, his nephew, and his fon.
And yet according to Fame's trumpet,
Who very feldom trumpets right,
His wife was reckon'd a great ftrumpet,
His nephew a great hypocrite.
I don't believe a word of that,
The world will talk, and let it chat :
You cannot think her in the wrong,
To grow quite weary of the place,
She thought STOLTELLO ftaid fo long,
He was afham'd to fhew his face.
2
STOLTO
OF A COCK AND A BULL. 27
STOLTO had heard the Holy Maid
Always cry'd up both far and near,
And he believ'd fhe could perfuade
His fon STOLTELLO to appear.
Confidering what time was paft,
How they had try'd, and better try'd,
STOLTO advis'd his wife at laft,
To go and be fecundify'd.
The Marquis told me the whole ſtory,
Which he had from the Marchefina,
And it is ſo much to her glory;
'Tis all the talk of Terracina.
The very night that ſhe came back,
He was in fuch a fifting cue;
He almoft put her to the rack,
'Till the diſcover'd all ſhe knew.
Firſt his acknowledgment being paid,
A pepper-cornifh kind of due;
As they were laid, compos'd and ſtaid,
She told him juſt as I tell you :
Before
28
MY COUSIN'S TALE
Before the Marchionefs fets out,
It will be proper, on reflection,
To obviate a certain doubt,
A doubt that looks like an objection.
Here, becauſe they know no better,
The fnarlers think they've found a bone;
They think the Marquis would not let her
Go fuch an errand all alone.
A Lady, you muſt underſtand,
That vifits, to fulfil HER VOws,
A holy houfe, or holy land,
Commonly goes without her ſpouſe.
And fo, by keeping herſelf ftill,
Quiet and fober in her bed,
She never thinks of any ill,
Nothing unclean enters her head.
You're fatisfy'd your doubt was weak,
And now the Marchionefs may fpeak.
As you foretold, before I went,
The Saint was fo engag'd, and watch'd,
That a whole week and more was ſpent,
Before my bus'neſs was diſpatch'd.
Indeed
OF A COCK AND A BULL. 29
Indeed you would have greatly pity'd,
If you had feen me but, my Dear;
Howe'er, at laft, I was admitted,
And what I met with you fhall hear.
The Saint and I fat on a bench;
Before us, on a couch, there lay
A pretty little naked wench,
That minded nothing but her play.
Her play, was playing with a mouſe,
That popp'd his head in, went and came,
And neftled in its little houfe,
It was fo docible and tame.
Gueſs where the mouſe had found a bower?
You are fo dull, it is a fhame;
You cannot gueſs in half an hour,
I'll lay your hand upon the fame.
Thefe, cry'd the Saint, are all ideal,
Viſions all, and nothing real,
Yet they will animate your blood,
And rouze and warm the pregnant pow'rs,
uft like the ling'ring fickly bud,
Open'd by fructifying fhow'rs.
If
30
MY COUSIN'S TALE.
If
you are violently heated,
Remember in your greateſt needs,
Your Ave Mary be repeated,
'Till you have gone thro' all your Beads :
Take heed, they're going to begin,
I fee the vifions coming in.
First came a Cock, and then a Bull,
And then a Heifer and a Hen;
'Till they had got their bellies full,
On and off, and on again.
And then I fpy'd a fooliſh Filly,
That was reduc'd to a ftrange paſs,
Languiſhing, and looking filly,
At the propoſals of an Afs.
I turn'd about and faw a fight,
Which was a fight I could not bear,
A filthy Horſe, with all his might,
Gallanting with a filthy Mare.
And lo! there came a dozen Prieſts!
And all the Priefts fhaven and fhorn k
And they were like a dozen beafts,
Naked as ever they were born:
And
OF A COCK AND A BULL. 31
And they paſs'd on,
One by one,
Ev'ry one with an exalted horn.
Then they drew up and ftood a while,
In rank and file,
And after, march'd off the parade,
One by one,
Falling upon
The miferable, naked Maid.
Nothing could equal my furprize,
To fee her go thro' great and ſmall !
And after that, to ſee her riſe,
And turn the joke upon them all !
And I kept praying ftill and counting,
In a prodigious fret and heat,
And fhe fucceffively kept mounting,
And always kept a ſteady feat.
'Till having finiſh'd her career,
The Prieſts were terribly perplex'd,
They could not tell wihch way to ſteer,
Nor whereabout to fettle next.
Brother
32 MY COUSIN'S TALE
Brother was running after Brother,
Turning their horns againſt each other;
The Holy Maid cry'd out aloud,
Heaven deliver us from fin:
And I turn'd up my eyes and bow'd,
And faid Amen within :
The inftant that I ſpoke,
The vifions vaniſh'd into ſmoke.
Now, faid the Marchionefs, and fmil'd,
Now I'll tofs up with you for a child.
Already at your poſt indeed!
Bravo-Braviffimo-proceed.-
I find, my dear, you are ſo ftout,
So firmly fix'd to make a boy,
I feel-I feel-you'll make it out,
'Tis done, faid fhe-I wifh you joy.
Accordingly the Marquis fwore,
That very night he did a feat,
Which he had feldom done before,
That night he ran a ſecond heat.
And
OF A COCK AND A BULL. 33
And from that night computing fair,
She had conceiv'd,
About five months when I was there,
As both the Marchionefs and he believ'd.
For four months after I repafs'd,
Calling again, to avoid thoſe inns,
And found her brought to bed at laſt,
Of twins,
So ftout, the brothers might have paſs'd for
POLLUX and CASTOR.
And fo, at laft, his coft and toil,
The Marquis was oblig'd to own,
Were laid out on a grateful ſoil,
At last, he reap'd as he had fown.
D
MISS
[ 34 ]
MISS in her TEENS:
Captain SHADOW's TALE.
TALE III.
M
ISS MOLLY was almoſt fourteen,
Her Coufin DICK a year older,
The diff'rence of a year between,
Was very eaſy to be ſeen,
For DICK was grown a year bolder.
Tho' he was grown bolder and braver,
MOLLY grew baſhfuller and ſhier,
So ferious and ſo much graver,
She hardly would let Dick come nigh her.
The year before, upon no ſcore,
Would DICK be caught in fuch a trick,
As either peeping thro' a nick,
Or thro' the key-hole of a door.
The
MISS IN HER TEEN S, &c. 35
The year before Mifs had no fears,
And there was no ſuch thing as ſquealing;
And DICK had neither eyes nor ears,
Neither taſte, nor fmell, nor feeling.
Until this year, as I have heard,
DICK was unlucky, but not rude;
And MOLLY fo far from a prude,
'Till now her door was never barr'd.
One afternoon Mamma rode out,
Papa was laid up in the gout,
Well, and what became of MOLLY?
If he had taken her to ride,
She ſhould have been confin'd and try'd,
For flagrant and wilful folly.
When they are let out of the cage,
Let out without confideration,
All children of a certain age,
Are giv'n much to obſervation.
Their judgment's fo exceeding weak,
Their fancy fo exceeding ſtrong,
That you can neither act nor ſpeak,
They are fo apt to take things wrong,
D 2
S.
36 MISS IN HER TEENS:
So neither Mifs, nor DICK the fapling,
With Madam rides;
She is attended by the Chaplain,
And none befides.
Which of the two were better pleas'd,
Is difficult to fay, I own,
Mifs and Papa had been fo teaz'd,
They both were pleas'd to be alone.
Up to her chamber MOLLY's flown,
Faft bolted is her chamber-door,
So cautious the damfel's grown,
From what Mifs MOLLY was before.
Ever fince DICK began to pry,
Ever fince MOLLY caft her frock,
She never ventures to rely
On the protection of a lock.
MOLLY fufpects her coufin DICK,
Her coufin DICK's fo plaguy fly,
That lock, or any lock can pick,
That DICK has any mind to try.
DICK pick the lock ! it could not be,
If MOLLY only had the ſenſe,
1
As
CAPTAIN SHADOW'S TALE. 37
As foon as ſhe had turn'd the key,
Not to have taken it from thence.
MOLLY would gladly have compounded,
If DICK would let her 'fcape ſo cheap,
Whenever MOLLY was impounded,
She left that hole for DICK to peep.
She was aware there was no keeping,
No hindering couſin DICK from peeping :
For fure as ever you're alive,
Either with gimlet or ſkewer,
Her coufin RICHARD Would contrive
To bore a hole, fomewhere, to view her.
For fome particular affair,
That MOLLY had in agitation,
She did not at that juncture care,
To be expos'd to ſpeculation.
She clap'd a fire-fkreen to the hole,
To hinder coufin DICK from ſpying ;
Little imagining, poor ſoul,
That DICK was in her cloſet lying.
The room, as you have heard me tell,
At all times had been MOLLY's own;
D 3
The
38 MISS IN HER TEENS:
The cloſet was a citadel
Of a late date, to awe the town.
Mamma had thought upon the caſe,
And thinking made her more afraid,
A cloſet was a dangerous place.
For ftratagem and ambuscade;
So the room ſtill to Mifs remains,
The fort to Mamina appertains.
The key that opens this fame fort,
Mamma had loft, in a ſtrange fort,
In riding out, the key fhe loft;
And it was found by DICK at play,
Upon the ſpot where it was tofs'd,
Upon a heap of new-made hay.
Her pad, I fancy, for my part,
Is badly broke, and apt to ſtart :
And by a fudden jerk or ſpring,
Or fwing, or fome fuch thing;
Out flew the key, as if a ſtone
Had flown
Out of a fling.
Pray,
CAPTAIN SHADOW'S TALE. 39
Pray, where was Mifs's great neglect?
Where was MOLLY's indiſcretion?
This treach'rous key could ſhe ſuſpect
To be in couſin DICK's poffeffion ?
She was fo circumfpect and cool,
Each nook and cranny fhe furvey'd;
She even examin'd the cloſe-ſtool,
But DICK was in the clofet laid.
Whate'er he faw, DICK never told,
And that is much for one fo young,
When people that are twice as old,
Have twice as indiſcreet a tongue.
It muſt be ſomething very curious,
Some ſtrange extraordinary matter;
DICK ftar'd and look'd quite wild and furious,
Just when he bounc'd out and flew at her.
Tho' ſhe was cruelly betray'd,
DICK made up matters very foon,
MOLLY was reconcil'd, DICK ftay'd
And ſpent a pleaſant afternoon.
The point was long, and well debated,
But Dick fo folemnly proteſted,
D 4
By
40 MISS IN HER TEENS;
By MOLLY he was reinſtated,
And with the key fairly invefted.
Mamma perceiv'd the key was ſtray'd,
And fent the Chaplain out to look ;
'Twas not for that ſhe was difmay'd,
But ſhe had loft her pocket-book.
He found the book, which was the beft;
As to the key, the careful mother,
Before fhe laid her head to reſt,
Sent and beſpoke juft fuch another,
'Twas well fhe let the lock remain ;
Had it been chang'd on his report,
It would have caus'd infinite pain,
And ſpoil'd a deal of harmleſs ſport.
In a fhort time MOLLY grew fick,
Every day ficker and ſicker;
MOLLY'S complaints came very thick,
Every day thicker and thicker.
She was advis'd to change the air,
She did, but no-body knows where.
MOLLY came home a different thing,
Both in her fhape and every feature,
From
CAPTAIN SHADOW'S TALE. 41
From what ſhe went away in ſpring,
You never faw a virgin fweeter.
'Squire NODDY coming from his travels,
By MOLLY is a captive led;
He to her Sire his mind unravels,
Her Sire confents, and MOLLY's wed.
It is fix years that 'Squire NODDY
Has had the care of MOLLY's body;
And they have children half a dozen;
But what is very odd is this,
That none of all the fix fhould miſs,
But every one be like her couſin.
}
ZACHARY's
ZACHARY'S TALE;
OR THE
SUSPICIOUS HUSBAND Cured.
The ACTORS in this DRAMATIC TALE, are
The Sufpicious Huſband,
ANGRAVALLE.
His Wife,
BINDOCCHIA.
Her Friend,
PAULINA.
Her Husband's Friend,
NICENO.
SCENE NAPLES.
PART the FIRST.
Z. M. Efquire,
A living Monument
Of the Friendſhip and Generoſity of the Great;
After an Intimacy of thirty Years,
With moſt of the great Perfonages of theſe Kingdoms,
Who did him the Honour to affift him
In the laborious Work
Of getting to the far End of a great Fortune,
Theſe his Noble Friends,
From Gratitude for the many happy Days and Nights
Enjoy'd by his Means,
Exalted him, through their Influence,
In the forty-feventh Year of his Age,
To an Enfigncy;
Which he actually enjoys at preſent
In GIBRALTAR.
ODE
[ 45 ]
ODE to ZACHARY.
Omnis Ariftippum decuit, color, et modus, et res—
Nunc in Aristippi furtim præcepta relabor,
Et mihi res, non me rebus fubmittere conor-
HAT fober heads haft thou made ake?
WHA
How many haft thou kept from nodding?
How many wife-ones, for thy fake,
Have flown to thee, and left off plodding?
Thou wouldft, altho' the grave-ones fhake
Their folemn locks, and ftrike one mute,
As foon be in the infernal lake,
As in the place of P--T or B--te;
Whoſe heads inceffantly ſend forth
Projects, with glitt'ring trains, like fquibs,
And ſcatter, through the South and North,
Vollies of Minifterial Fibs.
Afleep, down precipices hurry'd,
Or, like PROMETHEUS, chain'd to rocks-
By
!
46
ODE TO ZACHARY
By vultures gnaw'd, or monfters worry'd,
Hell-hounds, whofe cry is, Dei Vox-
Or, victims to a heavier curfe,
They dream they're dup'd, and fall unpity'd;
To fall a dupe, is ten times worſe,
Than to be worried and Dewitted.
Philoſophy and Grace is thine,
Not ſpiritual Grace, but ſprightly;
Infpir'd by the God of Wine,
Inſpir'd like old ANACREON nightly:
That Light divine, that heav'nly Grace,
I fear, alas! thou wouldst not chuſe;
That fhines and blackens WHITEFIELD's face,
Like the japan upon his fhoes.
Whether thy Grace from Heav'n defcends,
Or rifes from the earth below,
Oft haſt thou rais'd thy helpleſs friends,
Oft giv'n thy purfe unto thy foe.-
Who gives his foe his purſe outright,
Shews plain, if I have any ſkill,
Not only that he bears no fpite,
But that he bears him a good-will.
And
ODE TO ZACHARY.
47
And alſo, is perhaps as meek,
And is as little of a bite,
As he who only gives his cheek
(For LESLY gives nought elfe) to ſmite :
Or WHITEFIELD, emptying the pockets
Of whores, and bawds, and gaping throngs;
Turning his eyes out of their fockets,
Singing and felling DAVID'S fongs.
Now thou art gone, where can I find
Spirit and eaſe above controul,
Serenity and health of mind,
And gaiety and ftrength of foul?
Precepts I find, examples none,
And guides as blind as a guide-ſtone.
The ſportive Muſe is my Phyſician,
To cure the folly, and the madneſs,
Of pride of Envy, and Ambition,
Of Spleen, and melancholy Sadneſs.
Soon as I touch the jocund lyre,
That inftant, driven from their ſeat,
The dæmons of the mind retire,
And go and perfecute the Great.
3
O! may
|
48
ODE TO ZACHARY.
O! may their torments never ceaſe,
May they be ſcourg'd both night and day,
"Till they have brought thee back in peace,
And then, like thee, may they be ever gay
!
པོ
This
[ 49 ]
This is fo long a Tale, that ZACHARY thought it
would be better divided into Two Parts.
ANDELLO lived in the fixteenth century,
in high reputation for his wit, and correfpond-
ed with all the great men of that age: He retired
into France upon the taking of Milan by the Spa-
niards, at which time all his papers were burnt: In
1551 he was made Biſhop of Agen in France, where
his Novels were firſt publiſhed.
Outcries againſt writings, compofed with no worſe
intention than to promote good-humour and chear-
fulneſs, by fighting againſt the Tadium Vita, were
referved for an age of refined bypocrify. There
ought to be a great diftinction between obſcenity,
evidently deſigned to inflame the paffions, and a lu-
dicrous liberty, which is frequently neceffary to
fhew the true ridicule of hypocritical characters,
which can give offence to none, but fuch as are afraid
of every thing that has a tendency to unmaſking.
The ſecond part of this Tale is upon a different
plan from BANDELLO'S: ZACHARY has told the
Biſhop's Tale with more modefty than the Biſhop,
and I think the cataſtrophe is more natural. The
beft edition of BANDELLO is printed at Lucca in
1554, and reprinted in London, in three volumes,
quarto, 1740.
E
ZACHARY'S
[ 50 ]
ZACHARY'S TALE.
TALE IV.
OW oft has BOCCACE been tranflated
And blunder'd,
How
And JEAN FONTAINE affaffinated
And plunder'd!
Where is the land where BOCCACE and FONTAINE
Have not in effigy been flain?
FONTAINE they imitate and turn,
BOCCACE they reprefent and render,
Juft as the figures made to burn,
Are like the Pope and the Pretender.
Why mayn't BANDELLO have a rap?
Why mayn't I imitate BANDELLO?
There never was a Prelate's cap
Beftow'd upon a droller fellow?
Like TRISTRAM, in mirth delighting;
Like TRISTRAM, a pleafant Writer;
Like
ZACHARY'S TALE.
51
Like his, I hope that TRISTRAM's writing
Will be rewarded with a Mitre.
There was a Knight, fays our Biſhop,
A Knight from Aragon in Spain,
So jealous, that you cannot fiſh up
His like and paragon again :
He ſerv'd ALPHONSUS many years,
Both in the wars and in affairs of State,
And fell in love up to the ears,
And would not give it up at any rate.
By bribes and flattery he won
Father, mother, daughter, and ſon.
And yet he ferenaded, figh'd,
And was long doubtful of his doom,
Before he gain'd his lovely Bride,
With all the rights of a Bridegroom.
And after that, they alſo tell us,
That in leſs time than you would think,
He grew ſo timorous and jealous,
He could not fleep o'nights a wink.
He, was not jealous, ſays the Tale,
All the time he was in training;
E 2
'Twas
52
ZACHARY'S TALE.
'Twas not 'till he began to fail,
And to fall off, by over-ftraining.
As foon as ever he train'd off,
The nights fhe pafs'd can ſcarce be told;
All night he could do nought but cough,
Torment, and tantalize, and ſcold.
BINDOCCHIA was lively and alert,
And had no notion of a bridle
She requir'd one, not only more expert,
But one as active as her ſpouſe was idle.
Now ANGRAVALLE knew all this,
As well as either you or I,
When he thought proper to diſmiſs
Thofe, on whofe help the might rely.
He difmifs'd both the men and maids
All together;
Birds of a feather;
Rogues, and intriguing jades ;
All but a fellow with a furly look,
Gard'ner, butler, groom, and cook:
E
And, to cut off all hopes to come,
From an intriguing maid at leaft,
9
He
ZACHARY'S TALE.
53
He pick'd up one both deaf and dumb,
And neither fit for man nor beaſt-
Beſides, he had ſuch crotchets in his pate,
And ſuch ſtrange notions,
She could not croſs the room without her mate
To watch her motions.
BINDOCCHIA was to be pity'd,
So watch'd, fo fcolded, fo ill fitted.
Confidering cuckoldom's a ſentence,
That cannot be revers'd and null,
By commutation nor repentance,
Nor by his Holiness's Bull:
I cannot think he was to blame,
So much as many folks pretend,
To fhut his doors, and to diſclaim
All intercourfe with ev'ry friend.
Thoſe cuckolds, it can't be difputed,
That either heaven or earth can boaſt,
Have been, and always are, cornuted
By thofe in whom they trust the moſt.
However, all were not deny'd;
He had a friend he valu'd next his life;
E 3
A friend
:
54
ZACHARY'S TA L E.
A friend that he had often try'd;
One, by good luck, related to his Wife.
He was admitted, night or day,
To dine or fup,
Or to step up,
If he was not inclin'd to ſtay.
NICENO had an equal ſhare
In the affections of this pair.
After much thought and perturbation,
BINDOCCHIA grew to have lefs care,
For the continual defalcation
In ANGRAVALLE's bills of fare.-
Though you may think her patience ſtrange,
She thought, but not without ſome doubt,
The poſture of affairs would change,
That things would turn, and come about.
Two months were gone, which was a fhame,
Without receiving any news,
Though he had oft put in her claim,
And often ſtickled for her dues
The longer he was in arrear,
Her caſe and his grew ftill more queer.
In
ZACHARY'S TALE.
55
In fhort, there was no end of waiting;
Her Huſband grew fo great a debtor,
There was no way of calculating
The chances of his growing better.-
Now, Ladies, I defire to know,
In fuch a fituation,
Was it unnatural, or no,
To caft her eyes on her Relation?
Obſerve, I faid to caft her eyes;
With thoſe 'twas natural to fpeak;
To mingle alſo a few fighs,
With a few rofes in each cheek:
Except a bluſh, a figh, a ſoft regard,
All other forms of ſpeech are barr'd.
Accordingly, within her lips
She had a tongue in due fubjection;
Not apt to wander, and make flips,
Without her order and direction.
1%
One day ſhe went, upon leave granted,
To fee her Coufin-pray, take notice, Sirs!
A female that the often haunted,
NICENO'S Coufin too, as well as her's;
E 4
As
56
ZACHA RY'S TALE.
As ufual, attended by the Mute,
And by the Gardener, her fellow-brute.-
PAULINA was her Coufin's name,
A perfect Saint in her demeanour;
Though ſhe was ſpotleſs in her fame,
Never was any thing uncleaner:
She could impoſe upon the Wife and Grave,;
And could, with Tirus, fafely fwear,
She never loft a day that ſhe could fave,
Nor fav'd a night that ſhe could ſpare.
BINDOCCHIA told her Hufband's cafe,
His former feats were not deny'd;
But then his ſubſequent diſgrace,
By rhetoric was amplify'd.
By what means, or by what diſcovery,
Her Friend reply'd, can you be ſure,
That ANGRAVALLE's paft recovery,
That he is even paſt your cure?
There's a diforder we call Fumbling,
Amongſt the men call'd Fighting fhy,
Teazing, tumbling, fqueezing, mumbling,
Still worfe and worfe, the more they try.
Upon
ZACHARY'S TALE.
57
Upon our ſkill in this diſeaſe
All our whole happineſs depends;
All our importance, all our eaſe,
All our pow'r of obliging friends.
We muſt, when call'd to their affiftance,
Chearfully undergo the Law:
'Tis death to them to fhew reſiſtance,
And worſe than death to laugh, or pfhaw.
With all their humours, all their fancies,
In ev'ry form, in ev'ry ſhape,
We must comply; nay, make advances,
To help them out of fuch a fcrape.
'Tis by this fingle piece of ſkill
That I command and rule,
And make my headftrong mule
Submit entirely to my will.
BINDOCCHIA, indeed, I fear,
That you, like many a haughty Beauty,
Think that your goods ought to come clear
Of ev'ry charge, and ev'ry duty :
And fo they will, my dear, by ſmuggling;
But the foundation muſt be laid
By
58.
ZACHARY'S TALE.
By honeſt induſtry and ſtruggling ;
By credit in a lawful trade.
Have you with both your mind and might,
Endeavour'd to fet matters right?
Cafting her eyes upon a crucifix,
That hung within her coufin's bed ;
BINDOCCHIA faid, I have try'd all the tricks,
That ever enter'd in a head.
I could as foon perfuade thoſe thieves,
To ſteal away and leave their croffes;
Or the fall'n tree with wither'd leaves,
To rife and to repair its loffes.
There never will be life within that lump,
'Till the dead rife at the laft trump.
PAULINA, this is my decree,
My ſpouſe muſt have a Coadjutor;
His Friend, all precedents agree,
Should be preferr'd to ev'ry fuitor.
I need not tell you whom I mean,
Nor aſk my Friend to go between :
He has had innuendo's many :
But make NICENO underftand,
That
ZACHARY'S TALE.
59
That any fcruples, if he has any,
Are juſt like letters wrote on fand :
Or like the fears of truant boys,
Which interrupt their briſk career,
And for a moment damp their joys,
But the next moment diſappear :
Or like a boy in brief diſpute,
Whether it is a fin to pull
A pocket full of tempting fruit,
And rob an orchard that's quite full :
Nature decides, and doubt no longer hampers,
He fills his pockets, and he ſcampers.
In fine,
PAULINA reliſh'd her deſign;
Her friend, by the fame guard eſcorted,
Return'd to her old ftation.
That night PAULINA, 'tis reported,
Finish'd her negotiation.
Her arguments had fo much weight,
NICENO gave up the debate.
BINDOCCHIA, put upon her mettle,
Affembles and convenes
Her
60
ZACHARY'S TALE.
Her powers, and all her wits, to ſettle
And find out ways and means:
She had not been an hour acquainted,
With her Friend's motion and fuccefs,
'Till fhe was taken ill and fainted,
And carry'd off, and forc'd t' undrefs.
Her mouth was drawn afide and purs'd,
Her head turn'd like the flying chair,
That children ride in at a fair;
Her ftomach fwell'd, and like to burſt.
All night in bed fhe made a riot,
Her huſband thought ſhe was poffefs'd,
She never had a moment's quiet,
Nor he a ſingle minute's reft.
Juft at the time that the cock crew,
Out of the bed BINDOCCHIA flew,
In the next chamber was a water cloſet,
Where ſhe began to grunt and moan,
As if ſhe was making a depofit,
And was delivering a ſtone.
Her huſband rofe and follow'd near,
And if ſhe had been off her guard,
}
She
ZACHARY'S TALE. 61
She could have heard with half an ear,
He puff'd, and fetch'd his breath ſo hard,
By fmothering his cough he kept a wheezing,
Which for a lift'ner is as bad as fneezing.
Hearing him wheeze, ſhe blew a gale,
That ſeem'd to iffue from behind,
And made her huſband turn his fail,
And brush away before the wind.
So well did the perform her part,
Trumpeting with her mouth and band;
He had no miſtruſt of any art,
Or any dealings contraband.
At ev'ry foul report and crack,
That ſhe in agony let fly,
He mov'd, and flunk a little back,
Like a judicious able ſpy.
Scarce were they laid till he began to fnore,
BINDOCCHIA ſtarted out of bed once more,
And foon ſpoil'd ANGRAVALLE's fnoring;
He thought it was a kettle-drum,
For never any mortal bum,
Made fuch a rattling and roaring.
Again
62
ZACHARY'S TALE.
Again he was upon his fect,
Again he was all wind and griping;
Again he made a ſafe retreat,
The inftant that he heard her wiping.
His jealous freaks were never ſo kept under,
But they would quickly fhoot and flow'r,
To ev'ry one's aſtoniſhment and wonder,
Like muſhrooms in a thunder-fhow'r.
The moment he began to doze,
It was in vain to think of fleeping;
She ſtarted up, whipt on her cloaths,
Ran off, and he came after creeping.
'Till broad day-light,
There was no fign at all of ending,
For fhe kept going all the night,
And he kept lift'ning and attending.
The female couſins, with much laughter,
Concerted all the fcenes hereafter.
Next day, the better to impoſe,
She kept her bed, fatigu'd with purging,
And yet BINDOCCHIA often roſe,
Her provocations were fo urging.
The
ZACHARY'S TALE.
6.3
The night was like the night before,
Hurrying, trumpeting, diſpatching:
The fame attendant at the door,
For ever liſtening and catching:
'Till he was weary'd out and ſpent,
And quite convinc'd no harm was meant.
At three o'clock that very morning,
An hour convenient for horning,
NICENO, punctual to his call,
In the next chamber was in waiting,
Convey'd thro' a window of the hall,
Without much doubting and debating.
There was no fervant there to fear,
Except the Mute, and none flept founder,
And the fo deaf, fhe could not hear
Ev'n an eight-and-forty pounder.
The Gardener, by way of Groom,
The only one watchful and able,
Laid at a diſtance in a room
Over the ftable.
And now BINDOCCHIA went to reap
The fruits of all her labour;
Whilft
64
ZACHARY'S TA L E.
Whilft ANGRAVALLE was afleep,
She entertain'd his neighbour.
He was ſo pleaſant and engaging,
She ſtay'd with him three hours at least,
And tho' he wak'd coughing and raging,
Her Husband could not ſpoil their feaft.
They went on joyouſly, for nothing caring,
So keen is hunger;
Regarding him no more than a cheeſe-paring,
Or a Cheeſemonger.
She groan'd, the trumpeted, and crack'd,
And made a noife fo diabolic,
You would have fworn fhe had been rack'd,
And torn to pieces with the cholic.
I may thank you for all I feel,
Cry'd the to ANGRAVALLE, coughing;
If one was made of braſs or ſteel,
You foon would wear one out to nothing.
Three months with cold have I been dying,
By your ingenious way of lying;
Such ufage is not to be borne,
Toffing and kicking cloaths and ſheets!
And
1
ZACHARY'S TALE. 65
And never cover'd night nor morn !
I could lie better in the ſtreets !
Thus things being come to a conclufion,
NICENO ftole away, fhe fhut up ſhop,
Jump'd into bed without the leaſt confuſion,
Scolded a while, and flept found as a top.
END OF THE FIRST PART.
[I
ን
ZACHARY'S
[ 66 ]
ZACHARY'S TALE.
A¹
PART II.
T noon ſhe roſfe, recover'd quite;
Her colour and her eyes confefs'd,
They were ſo radiant and bright,
That nat❜ral phyfic is the beſt:
AS ANGRAVALLE had foretold,
Natural phyfic carry'd off her cold.
What could not be foretold fo well,
What he could only hope, at moſt,
That night ſhe rais'd him, like a ſpell
Raiſing the devil or a ghoſt.
Her charms and efforts were ſo great,
His cure was compleated;
Nay, 'twas fo thoroughly compleat,
That all the proofs were twice repeated.
But this fhe knew ſhe could not long rely on,
Nor would it do by half;
Unleſs a lamb will fatisfy a lion,
That can digeft a calf.
-I
5
That
ZACHARY'S TAL E.
67
That half is far more than the whole,
In former times, was HESIOD's thought;
She was perfuaded from her foul,
That half is only more than nought;
And conſequently lefs than half muſt ſtand,
Juſt like a cypher, plac'd on the left hand.
This very fudden revolution.
Caus'd in her Huſband a revulfion,
Which caus'd a fudden refolution
To yield, and follow its impulfion.
His country-houſe wanting repairing,
He thought to take a three days airing.
Though he had vow'd a truft unfhaken
For his BINDOCCHIA's late merits;
For all the trouble fhe had taken,
To comfort him, and raiſe his fpirits;
Yet when he bade his wife adieu,
His jealouſy broke out anew.
He left the Gardener inftructed ;
He was to watch and lie perdu,
To ſee how matters were conducted,
And to report upon a view:
F 2
And
68
ZACHARY'S TALE.
And after this the Knight departed,
Sadly foreboding and faint-hearted.
His Lady knew, that time, like riches,
Should be enjoy'd;
Which are but lumber in one's breeches,
When unemploy'd:
Her greatest happineſs fhe ow'd
To time judiciouſly beſtow'd.
PAULINA was directed ftrait
The Coadjutor to ſecure;
He was that night to officiate
In ANGRAVALLE'S vacant cure:
Three morns, he ferv'd the morning fervice,
Three afternoons, afternoon function,
Three nights, like any monk or derviſe,
He labour'd with great zeal and unction.
After fuch buſineſs and hurry,
It ever was my confident belief,
That he was rather glad than forry,
When ANGRAVALLE came to his relief;
Though the laſt night an accident fell out,
That might alarm a man leſs ſtout.
Returning
ZACHARY'S TALE.
69
Returning through the garden late,
He ſpy'd, within the avery,
The Gardener lying in wait
To perpetrate ſome knavery.
Although betray'd,
He knew his Coufin's parts too well
To be afraid
Of aught the Gardener could tell;
Nor ventur'd, in affairs ſo nice,
To interpofe his own advice.
As to all falutary meaſures,
He trusted to that native wit,
Abounding in inventive treaſures,
And inexhaustible as PITT.--
In State Affairs, if not in Letters,
NICENO may be an example,
When we give credit to our Betters,
To make it generous and ample.
BINDOCCHIA thus, upon the brink of ruin,
Smil'd at the miſchief that was brewing.
She was peeping through her window-lattice
Juft when she heard her Hufband's rap ;
F 3
Not
70
ZACHARY'S TALE.
Not as a rat is,
A rat that's peeping through a trap;
But as a cat is,
A cat with a confidering cap.
Whilft he was knocking at the gate,
BINDOCCHIA flily defcended;
She knew the temper of her Mate,
Enough to gueſs what he intended;
Having, incog, upon occafions,
Affifted at his confultations.
The council-room was under-ground,
Where he repair'd when he alighted:
The bill against his Spoufe was found-
And the poor foul to be indicted;
A trial was decreed,
Proceedings fettled and agreed.
The Court broke up, all parties to their tafk
'Till things fhould be reveal'd,
BINDOCCHIA iffu'd from an empty cafk,
Where ſhe had lain conceal'd.
Her Husband took a turn or two
To fmoothe the wrinkles on his brow-
Then
ZACHARY'S TALE.
71
Then fmiling, like a mind at eaſe,
He march'd up to his Lady's chamber,
And found BINDOCCHIA on her knees
Before a crucifix of amber:
A fituation,
That he beheld with indignation.
But he kept down his fwelling bile,
Inform'd by fober reafon,
That his revenge, delay'd awhile,
Would not be lefs in feafon
;
She neither mov'd her eye, nor her eye-brow,
'Till ſhe had fung the Litany quite through.
Then rifing with a chearful air,
So modeft, and fo unaffected,
That ANGRAVALLE well might ſtare,
When he confider'd and reflected.
However, with fome perturbation,
He ftammer'd this Oration.
I must return-this afternoon,
On bus'neſs, that I can't neglect;
To-morrow I will be here-foon;
Sooner, perhaps,-than you expect.
F 4
I thought,
72
ZACHARY'S TALE.
I thought, if I did not appear,
Knowing how great your love and care is,
That you would certainly, my Dear,
Be full of fears and quandaries—
So I muſt inſtantly go back,
As ſoon as I have got a ſnack.
Whilft this fame fnack was getting ready,
PAULINA call'd upon her fcholar,
A circumftance that kept him fteady-
And help'd him to digeft his choler.
His meal diſpatch'd, he fet out in an amble,
Full of his great and wife intentions.
BINDOCCHIA, in a fhort preamble,
Explain'd her doubts and apprehenſions,
Laid open all her plans and ſchemes,
Her arguments and ſpeculations,
Which were fo far from being dreams,
PAULINA thought them revelations;
Her ſchemes, like Harlequinery,
Were all dumb fhew and ſcenery;
The whole fo artfully invented,
So free from all affected airs;
It
ZACHARY'S TALE.
73
It must fucceed, if reprefented
By any tolerable players.
PAULINA had a part affign'd,
In which her coufin knew ſhe ſhin'd.
They were refolv'd to try the event,
And ſet about it with good-will,
Knowing, before the night was ſpent,
They might be forc'd to fhew their ſkill-
Which made PAULINA haften home,
To be prepar'd againſt the time to come.
PAULINA told the Gard'ner in the entry,
To mind her meffage, and take heed,
To leave his poft where he was ſentry,
And let his Lady know with ſpeed,
That fhe had quite forgot to fay,
The meffage he was to convey :·
That she had bus'neſs in the town,
But fhe would fend the fringe and lace,
Drawings and patterns for the gown,
By her own maid the Bolognoife.
BINDOCCHIA might keep her flattern,
Keep her all night, if the requir'd,
'Till
74
ZACHARY'S TALE.
'Till ſhe had drawn and done the pattern,
And the deſigns that ſhe defir'd.
Tho' theſe were terms to him like Greek,
Yet he deliver'd his commiffion,
And did, as well as he could fpeak,
Deliver it with great precifion.
And now as foon as it was night,
He lock'd the gates of the great court,
And introduc'd the jealous Knight
By a back way, or fally-port.
Within the av'ry, in ambuſcade,
His Lord and Mafter watch'd and pray'd,
Being inform'd how matters went,
That none had enter'd fince his going,
Except a wench PAULINA fent,
A wench to draw deſigns for fewing,
A Bolognoiſe with ſcarf and veil,
Twanging through the noſe and ſnuffing,
As if ſhe had been from head to tail
Loaded with a Naples ſtuffing.
The night was ftill, the moon was bright,
When he, in an ill-fated hour,
Diſcover'd
ZACHARY'S TALE.
75
Diſcover'd plainly, by her light-
NICENO paffing by his bow'r.
On which, with might and refolution,
He put his wrath in execution.
Our jealous Knight, in the firſt place,
Summoned all his wife's relations,
As witneffes of her difgrace,
And of his ſufferings and patience;
Dragging along, with many others,
His Lady's father, and her brothers.
How did her brothers ftorm, her father weep!
When op'ning her room door, upon the bed,
They all beheld the Loyers faſt aſleep,
Upon her bofom lay NICENO's head.
But when they faw the Lovers riſe,
How great their wonder! what muſt they ſuppoſe ?
They hardly could believe their eyes,
Seeing PAULINA in NICENO's cloaths——
And here the injur'd wife began to hector,
Reading aloud the following lecture :-
His jealous fits were ev'ry hour,
Nay, ev'ry minute, growing ſtronger,
'Till he had put it past my pow'r
To
76
ZACHARY'S TALE.
To bear his folly any longer.
Having obferv'd the jealous fool
Following me when I was fick,
Every time I went to ſtool,
I own it touch'd me to the quick.
PAULINA's goodnefs and devotion
Were fhock'd at my determination,
Infifting it was a raſh notion,
Altho' fhe own'd the provocation;
Advifing me to club our wits,
To
o try to cure my Hufband's fits.
Whilft ANGRAVALLE was away,
Indeed, I bluſh whilft I am ſpeaking,
I ſpy'd the Gard'ner, where he lay,
Watching like a thief, and ſneaking.
So, having found the thing I fought,
A key that turn'd the garden-lock,
I was tranfported with the thought
Of puniſhing my ftupid block.
PAULINA, as ſhe had often done,
Borrow'd her coufin's cloaths, and in the garden,
In order to complete our fun,
Appear'd before the Gardener, my warden.
My
ZACHARY'S TALE.
77
My ſpouſe, we did not doubt the leaſt,
Would be inform'd, as we defir'd;
We knew that the ſuſpicious beaſt
With rage and vengeance would be fir'd.
His fecond trip, we judged, was to deceive;
It happen'd juſt as we ſuppos'd:
And now I humbly do conceive,
He is fufficiently expos'd.-
This is the true and perfect hiſtory,
Of all this mystery:
And now I do infift, his temper fuch is,
To be deliver'd from his clutches.
Her Husband, confcious of her merit,
Acknowledg'd his tranfgreffions ;
She ſpoke with ſo much force and fpirit,
He promis'd before all the feffions,
If fhe would pardon what was paft,
That this offence fhould be the laft.
And, as a proof that his defigns were good,
The Gard'ner fhould be diſcarded
She ſhould chufe fervants, and go where he would
Unguarded.
BINDOCCHIA confented,
And never afterwards repented.
PAULINA
8
ZACHARY'S TALE.
PAULINA to her maid retir'd,
Which maid was not according to the letter,
But in this faſhion was attir'd,
On purpoſe to conceal NICENO better.
So well he acted, I'll engage,
That this NICENO might have play'd,
On any theatre or ftage,
The fnuffling Bolognia maid.
PAULINA drefs'd herfelf before ſhe went,
Her maid had brought her cloaths for that intent.
People that I fufpect for fcoffers,
Pretend that whilft PAULINA was undreffing,
NICENO made her handfome offers,
Which ſhe could not refuſe, he was fo preffing.
They were together, 'tis confefs'd,
Two hours before ſhe could get drefs'd.
However 'twas is undecided,
But as to him he was compleat,
In every circumftance provided,
And fit to ferve a pious cheat;
But, to be able to ferve two,
Is more than I, perhaps or you can do.
THE
THE
PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S
AND THE
STUDENT of LAW'S TALE.
A MANUSCRIPT,
Found at CRAZY-CASTLE.
Suppoſed to be wrote about the Time of HENRY VIII,
[ 80 ]
PROLOGUE
то тнЕ
PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S
AND THE
STUDENT of LAW'S TALE.
O
NCE on a time, how many years ago,
As I could nivir learn, you cannot know,
A Member of the Parliment,
And a Law-ftudent, his relation,
Rode out of town with no intent,
Unleſs it was for recreation.
Full fixty is the Member, and hath ſeen
Many a famous King, and comely Queen.-
In yvery reign, in yvery age,
He floriſh'd in proſperitie ;
In the beginning was a Page,
Now Privy-Counſellor is he.
His
PROLOGUE.
81
His perfonage is grave and full of ſtate,
Yielding him weight and vantage in debate;
But with a boon-companion gay and free;
No ceremony, no myſterious airs ;
Juft as a Privy-Counſellour fhould be,
If he had been a Page of the Back-ſtairs.
The Student's Father is in perfect health,
Thank God, and waxes daily ftrong in wealth;
Wants not his fon to get a heap,
But juft enough of Law,
To guard his own Eftate, and keep
The neighbourhood in awe;
And I dare venture to maintain,
Herein his Father's hopes fhall not be vain.
Allbeit, he doth not attend the Courts,
And redith none but GEOFFERY's Reports;
Yet PLOWDEN Iying ever on the table,
Opin and ſpread,
He is counted full as able,
As if he had him in his head.
So, as I fignify'd before, theſe two
Ride out of town, having nought elfe to do.
G
Six
82
PROLOGUE.
}
Six miles from town, this Member hath a box,
For contemplation good;
Where he retires, as thoughtful as an ox
Chewing his cud.
He creeps into his box of ftone,
Sometimes for pleaſure, oftener for whim;
Or when he is tir'd of every one,
Or every one is tir’d of him.
It is call'd a Box, and there's a reaſon why,
Becauſe therein a man lies himſelf by.-
Within a box, if you your cloaths conceal,
The faſhion and the worms confpire,
To make a fuit, that was genteel,
Fit only for the Sheriff of a fhire;
But good enough for you,
If in your box you lie too long perdu.
When you come out again, 'twill be too late;
You and your coat will both be out of date.-
Here then they 'light, and now ſuppoſe them dining;
Suppoſe them alſo grumbling and repining;
The bacon's fufty, and the fowls are tough;
The mutton over-done, the fiſh not done enough;
The
PROLOGU E.
83
The cloth is drawn, the wine before them fet
;
Wine, like themſelves, entirely on the fret:
Muttering their prayers, exchanging looks afkew,
Juſt like two rival beauties in a pew.
What might have happen'd no one can decide,
Had not, by fortune or defign,
The Butler in the cellar fpy'd
A hoard of admirable wine:
Bounce goes the cork; fparkles the glaſs,
Coufin, here's to your favourite lafs :
And here their purgatory ends;
For after this
They enter into perfect bliſs,
Drinking like perfect friends:
Drinking, becauſe drinking promoteth joaking;
Joaking, without infulting or provoking.
The evening finiſhes with equal glory,
The worthy Counſellor propofing
To make a clofing,
By telling each a merry ſtory.
I have one fram'd, fays he, in GEOFFRY's phrafe ;
GEOFFRY'S, the Courtiers' language of thofe days.
G 2
The
84
PROLOGUE.
The Student likes the motion well;
Says he, I'll anſwer you with one quite new-
My tale in courtly fpeech I cannot tell;
But I can tell a merry tale, and true.
THE
[ 85 ]
THE
PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
TALE V.
R
EIGNID in Yorkſhire one of mity fame,
Clepid King GRIG, as Kronikels proclaim
Thilk Prince delighted ay in mirth and ſport,
Japis and jollitries of yvery fort;
And now when pepil lough, and rage, and play,
Folk name them merry Grigs until this day.-
This King, I undirſtond, hath venimid his blud,
Whereby he hath loft his corage and his rud;
Sore fhent is he by Cupid and his mother,
And woe-begone far more than any other.-
Clepid, called. Thilk, this fame. Japis, jefts. 'Rage, frolic.
Venimid his blud, tainted. Corage and bis rud, his ftrength, his ſpi-
rits, and complexion. Sbent, hurt.
}
G 3
The
86 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
The Kingis mother dere, Queen WHITY hight,
Becauſe her heer, allfo her fkin is white,
Is Queen of Cortefy, and Beautis Pride,
Gentil and modeft as a maidin bride.
She fends to Potikers and Leeches grave,
Prays them to fpare his life, and membris fave;
Ne drogue ne inftroment mote him avail;
His joints are lofen'd, and his cheekis pale;
And he that erft would fing, and laugh, and jeer,
Hath not he ſmilid once in haf a year.
There is a Conjorer, a fottil Wight;
This Conjorer the Queen confults by night.
The Neekromanzir, according to his guife,
Cafteth his figures, poreth on the ſkies,
And redith how to cure the Kingis woe;
His Grace until an heling-well ſhall go,
And bath his lims for fivin nights therein;
And fivin maidins, ftrippid to the ſkin,
Shall frote his body, 'till one, by her deviſe
And cunning touching, hele him in a trice.
Hight, called. Ileer, hair. Leeches, phyficians. Erft, formerly.
Haf, half. Soil wight, a cunning fellow. Frote, rub.
I
Both
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 87
Both King and Queen, you may be very fure,
Are in great hafte to ſet about the cure.
Now is fhe fetten forth in brave array,
And with the ſely King upon her way;
Yccompany'd with Minstrels and Japers,
Jugglirs and Morrice-dancers, cutting capers;
One time that thing which Minifters delite,
Shall, in another feafon, breed diſpite;
For when the King is fad, it is ungracious thing
If everich-one is merrier than the King.
In this fort journeying, they come at laſt
Unto the well, wherein the King him caſt;
His body chafid is, with ſpecial care,
By fivin naked damfills paffing fair.
The King hath view'd them well in every piece,
Withouten ſplint, or malanders, or greaſe;
Hard are their breaftis, ſkin as ſmothe as glaſs;
Plomp be their bottoks, and as tight as braſs;
Smale are their feet; each feature, every limb,
Lies in the faireft form, and fweeteft trim.-
Sely, fick. Yccompany'd, accompany'd. Japers, Jefters. Everich,
every, Piece, part.
G 4
The
88 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
1
The Queen examinid hath craftily
For Maidins of the best virginity;
None of theſe fivin hath fpilt her maidins-hede,
As in theſe days moch refon was to drede.
Handlid and chafid with fick daintyness,
Wexid the King to gather lufynefs;
And notabul it is to everich eye,
How he is rais'd and cherished thereby.
The fivinth day they all are out of pain;
Symptome of helth appearid very plain;
Whereat the Queen rejoices as is need,
Honoring the Maidin who hath done the deid;
And yet when he returnid hath to Court,
The King mote not be pleas'd in any fort;
And all that Lords and Ladys can invent,
Shall but encreaſe the Kingis diſcontent;
Wherfor the dutyfull Queen hieth her,
And counfelleth again the Conjorer.
1
He fpieth, in his fecret Boke of Magie,
How the fame Maidins mote him rectifie;
Sik, fuch. Daintynefs, elegance. Luftynefs, ftrength, health, &c.
Notabul, plain. Everich, every. Mote, might. Boke of Magie,
Conjuring-book. Mote, might. Rettific, let him to rights.
And
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 89
And yvery buxom Maid ſhall ſpeke a tale,
And yvery Maid to make him lough affail;
And the that makes him lough fhall thence be led,
And have the Kingis company in bed;
In bed, or any other pleaſant place,
Wherever it ſhall pleafe the Kingis Grace.
And lo the Queen theſe joyful tidings bears
To Chappil, where the Maidins are at prayers.-
Away the Maidins hurry them from Matins,
Apparrelling themſelves in filks and fattins;
And all the fivin Damzils, out of hand,
Are fet before the King at his command.-
He doth ordain each Maid to fpeke by lot;
Allfo, becauſe ne word fhall be forgot,
A Scribe is there to notice all they fay.-
And now fix Maids have talk'd for haf a day;
And yet, for all the talking they can make,
They fcarce can keep the Kingis Grace awake.
Then came the fivinth Maidin in degree,
But cannot fpeke her tale for modeſty.
My tale, faies fhe, I wold begin, but fear
A word unfeemly to a modeft ear;
My
90 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
My tale without this word cannot be told,
And to deliver it I am not bold.-
What means the Maidin ? quoth the King in ire,
You may gloze any word, if you enquire.
I am no Clerk, faies fhe, her Grace well knows,
Pleafith you, Sir, may teach me how to gloze;
Bot I will trie to do the best I may,
That you may better frame what I would ſay.-
Of all God's creatures its the choiceft fare,
Yet he that has the leaſt, has the beſt ſhare.
I fhall not graunt your prayer, the King reply'd,
Riddils are derk; and Paraphrafe is wide:
Bot well I know the Latin and the Dutch,
Of Fraunce and Toſcany I have a touch:
Now, any of theſe tongues, if you're enclin'd,
Fair Maid, may ſeem to ſhape what you would find.
Dutch, quoth the Queen, my ſon, the maid demands,
It is a tongue no Chriſtian undirſtands.
Well, quoth the King, fair Maid, this dredefull name,
That werkith in you ſo much ſtrife and ſhame,
In ire, in a paffion. Enquire, fudy. Clerk, ſcholar. Gloze, to
wrap up ænigmatically,
Pronounce
{
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 91
Pronounce they Fotz throughout all Germany;
Now you may ſpeke your ſtory hardily.-
Sir, quoth the buxom Maid, upon a time,
A jolly Knight there was in all his prime,
Soot were his eyes, and manly was his face,
Lufty his limbs, his body in good cafe;
A piercing and a pleaſant wit withall,
Ne vice had he, but that his means were fmall :
Here the king turning, doth the Scribe beſeech,
To lofe no word, nor fentence of her fpeech.
Upon a joyful tide, the King of Kent
Proclamid hath, a noble turnament,
There yvery Knight enforced is to be;
Unleſs he will be held of villanie;
Our Knight, Sir AMADOR the debonaire,
Mote thither with his Squire and fteed repair:
And having traveled five days anend,
The Knight and Squire unto a meadow wend,
Ynamilid with pinks and cowflips gay,
Thro' which a rivir glides as bright as fummir-day.
Hardily, boldly. Soot, fweet. Means, Fortune, Eftate. Joyful Tide,
Time of Feftivity. Held of Villanie, degraded and reduc'd to the
Anend ftrait forwards. Wend, arriv'd.
condition of a Vatíal.
Upon
92 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
>
Upon the banks grows many a beachin tree,
And many a fpreding oak moft fair to fee;
There they efpied in the cristal lake,
Three nakid damzills of an hevenly make;
Their wimples and their gowns of broudid filk,
Ywrought with gold, their ſmokkis white as milk,
And all their coſtly garments were diſplay'd
Undir an aged oak's ynticing ſhade.
Behold the Knightis color changeth hue,
At fight fo unexpected and ſo new ;
Not that Acteon's hap ydraddid he,
Worried belike for fik audacity.
The Knight he blofh'd, becauſe he thote within,
Such nakidneſs fhall make a faint to fin.-
Gazeth Sir AMADOR with all his mite,.
Tafteth thereof the 'Squire but brief delite,
For being more ynclined unto prey,
Stealid their ſmokkis and their robes away.
The Maidens noted the unworthy Swain,
And calling to the Knight, declare their pain;
Wimples, Neck-kerchiefs. Broudid, embroider'd. Ydraddid,
fear'd. Sik, the like. Thote, thought.
Soon
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 93
Soon the ynragid Knight arreſts the Squire,
And turnith to the Maids with their attire,
Making excuſes, he could do no leſs,
For his intrufion on their nakidneſs,
And with profound refpect and reverence,
Saluting each by turns he bears him hence.
He is hardly gone, before they all agree,
They fhould have done the Knight ſome cortefy;
And call him back; the eldeſt Sufter ſpoke,
Sir, we be Fairys living by this broke,
And fikirly unfit it is for us,
That have fuch power, to be diſcourteous;
Wherfore ſome tokins at our hands receive,
And for myſelf, this tokin will I leave:
Wymen to pleaſure you ſhall ever ftrive
In any land, fo long as you're alive;
And you ſhall nivir fail in wymen's pleaſure,
And when you pleaſe, fhall pleaſe them without
meaſure.
The ſecond Fairy faith, Sir Knight, my tokin
Is of a nature wondros to be ſpokin.-
Broke, brook.
•
Sikirly, certainly,
And
94 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
--
And now the Damzill's tale cannot proceed;
Her face, as any burning coal, is rede.
Quoth then the King, divining fottely,
The word you ſeek, is Fotz, affuredly:
True, faies the Maid; and fo the Fairy faith,
That whoſoever Fotz he queftioneth,
Shall make an anſwer, or if none ſhe gives,
The Fotz fhall fare the worfe for't whilft fhe lives.
My Sufter, quoth the third, under correction,
Your tokin's good, but lacketh of perfection,
The Fotz may be, by accidental caufe,
So buſy that ſhe cannot move her jaws;
Whenever this doth happen, I intend
Her next door neighbour anfwer for her friend.-
The King no longer can refrain from laughter,
Alfo the Queen herſelf him follows after.
I will reward you well for this anon;
Mean time, quoth he, my pritty Maid, go on.
The Knight ne yvir having feen a fay,
Thinketh they japen him in that they ſay-
Ne yvir, never. Fay, Fairy, Japen, banter.
He
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 95
He overtakes the Squire, and on they ride,
Difcourfing on the Fairys, fide by fide;
Happened a Freer of a neighboring abbey,
Rideth abroad in gallant pomp that day,
Mounted he is upon a dapple mare,
And loketh altogether void of care;
Rofy his cheeks, a twinkling hazle eye,
He feemid Patriarke of Venerie;
Or Pontif of renowned Baal-Peor;
Certes you ſhall not oft meet fuch a Freer.
1
The
Freer, Friar. Baal-Peor, or Baal-Phegor, from whence, perhaps,
Pego, and the adjun& Bahλox, whofe priests are opprobriouſly called
Baλλons, or Followers of Baal-Peor; who, according to Dr. Middleton,
was a god of the Moabites, the fame with Priapus. (See Germana quæ-
dam monumenta, by Dr. Conyers Middleton, S. T. P. in Quarto, page 65,
with two monuments elegantly engraved of Baλλox-wsyw.) The Doctor
ſays, from the authority of the Fathers, that he was the hobby-horſe
of the women of Ifrael, page 69.-That the new-married women had-
an Idolum Tentiginis, which our language is incapable of rendering;
and, that they not only took great delight in getting aftride of this
idol, but they were enjoined to do ſo as a religious ceremony. The
Doctor has given a deſcription of one of theſe idols, which he has had
the good fortune to fee at Rome. As our Ladies are not under any
obligation to practiſe all the ceremonies of the Ladies of Ifrael, I am
lefs concerned at my want of erudition to explain to them fufficiently
the meaning of feveral of the Doctor's terms,
The
96 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
!
The Knight accofteth him, noteth the beaft,
The dapple mare that bears the ftately prieft;
Fotz, faics the Knight, I queftion thee to fay,
Whither thy maſter hieth him this way ?
Finding the needs muſt anſwer him par force,
Diftinctly answers Fotz, tho' fomewhat hoarfe,
What you require I will deliver brief:
My mafter is avowterer and thief;
He hath robb'd the facrefty of churches plate,
And to his lemman beareth it in ſtate.-
The idol's head is like the head of a cock, but instead of a beak, is
a ftupendous Fafcinum: upon the baſe is infçribed, ΣNTHP KOZMOY,
the Saviour of the World,
I cannot believe (however refpectable the authority) that the children
of the Roman nobility wore the Fafcinum about their necks: I do not
mean that it is an unbecoming ornament; one may be eafily convinced
of the contrary, by cafting an eye upon the two belonging to the
Doctor and his friend Dr. Warren, with which, as I faid before, he
has obliged the Public, in his Genuine Antiquities; but, confidering
the ingenuity of the Romans, why might not their Fafcinum be the
fame, and for the fame purpoſe, as that of the Chinefe ?-If the Doctor
had feen thofe of Mrs. Chenivix, he certainly would have been of
another opinion. But, what is the moſt remarkable of all, is, that
in the Chineſe language Adw fignifies a charm. A convincing argu-
ment of the weakness of an hypothefis, fupported only by the etymo-
logy of words.
Avowterer, adulterer.
Lemman, miſtreſs.
5
The
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 97
The Priest, aftony'd ſuch a voice to find,
Believeth Sathanas is there behind;
Defcendeth from the mare, voweth repentaunce,
Leaving the Knight talking with new acquaintance;
The Prieft is lame, and no great haſt can make ;
He waddles like a duck eftir a drake.
Fotz, quoth the Knight, pray tell me as we go,
What is it makes the Freer waddil fo?
Sir, quoth the Fotz, about a year agon,
Our Abbot and my Mafter, Freer JOHN,
Difcourfing, riding round the Abbot's Perk,
Of leachery and prankis in the derk;
The Abbot foftly rounith brother JOHN,
All fauncies have I proven everich one,
Whereby a man may find the greateſt joy,
The pleaſanteft his talent to employ-
Yet thereto, though I oft have been inclin'd,
Have not I yvir practic'd out of kind.
;
Nor I, fays Freer JOHN, I do declare
;
Trie we then, fays the Abbot, with the mare:
Rounith, whispers. Proven, tried.
Out of kind, unnaturally.
H
But
98 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
But reafon giveth property the place,
Wherefor thyself fhalt have the firft embrace.
Freer confents, and, for his evil deeds,
*
Ungirds the cords whereon he ftrings the beads;
Bindeth therewith mine hinder leggis twain,
Holdeth me faft the Abbot by the rein;
And letting go his ſteed, he praunceth by,
And with a kick lamid the Freer's thigh;
Elfe had I been, upon my corp'ral oath,
Ravyſhed by a Freer and Abbot both.
Now forward Knight and ftrange companion:
trots,
Laughing the Knight, and communing with Fotz;
Upon a hill not far they do defcry
A caffil fair, with towris broad and high;
Shaped their courfe unto the caffil ftrait;
Opin'd the Porter hath the caffil-gate.
The Seneschal hath led the Squire and Knight
Through goodly chambris curiofly bedight,
Unto an hall hung round with tapeſtry,
Of PHAROH's hoft, drenchid in the Rede Sea;
Towris, towers. Drencbid, drowned,
There
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 99
There at their fupper fit the Gouvernante,
Or Lady of the Caffil, and her Ant;
This Lady is a Wedo freſh and young
And frolikfome, and hath a merry tong-
And looks ſo kind, and fings ſuch loveſome ſtrains,
No marvel that her Lord hath braft his reins.
Welcome, Sir Knight, faies fhe, unto my board,
I have not ſeen a Nobler fince my Lord.
The Knight and 'Squire fit them down to eat,
The board is cover'd with all kind of meat;
Rich wines the pages pour in chriſtal glaſs,
And many a choice conceit and laugh doth paſs.
The hour is late; tarrieth the Aunt for ſpite,
Rifeth the Lady- wifheth a good night.
The Knight in bed ay thinketh on his hoft,
Sleep hath he none, for wantonneſs of ghoſt.
This bounteous Wedo gives her maids a call,
Chufing the beſt and fairest of them all;
Biddeth her go unto the Knight, and ſay,
She comes to folace him 'till it is day;
Tong, tongue. Braft, broke.
Ay, always.
H 2
And
100 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
And that her Lady bids her fay in bed,
How much fhe wiſhes fhe was in her ftead:
Bot may not have the opportunity,
Becauſe, for fpite, the Aunt with her doth lie.
The maidin flies; her heart with gladneſs beats,
Strippith, and creepith in between the ſheets.
Turnith the Knight unto the maidin gent,
And both do paſs the time with moch content-
And aftir they have ragid to the full,
Strokid the Knight, and givith Fotz a pull,
And faieth, little Fotz, tellith me true,
Be
you aggriev'd with that I have done at you.-
As I am a Chriftian Fotz, replied fhe,
I nivir paſs'd a night with ſo much glee.-
Up fterts the Maidin, runnith in diſmay,
Into the room next that her Lady lay,
And finds her Lady up, and fitting there,
Mufing and pond'ring in an elbow-chair.
Yon Knight, quoth fhe,'s a witch, or ſomething
badder,
He conjur'd hath the Devil in my bladder;
After
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 101
After he did me twenty times and more,
Oftner than ever I was done before,
He pulleth Fotz, and of its own accord,
Spekid the mouth that nivir utters word.-
Child, quoth the Lady, fet your mind at eaſe,
Most of us all have had the like difeafe,
Working anights at foch a grievous rate,
Lozens the Fotz's tongue, and makes it prate.
The Lady thinks to humour her is beſt,
She deems her head is light for want of reft.
Yes, faies the Maid, they have tongis without doubt,
I have feen Fotzes tongis hanging out.
Go get to reft, replies the Lady bright,
A little fleep will ſet your matters right.
The Maidin goes, the Lady at the dore
Harkneth, and ſtealeth to Sir AMADORE;
Sir Knight, quoth fhe, it is not very civil,
To give my Maidin's Fotz unto the Devil:
Fotz is no chamber for fo mean a groom,
He might have been content with a worſe room.
I uſe no fiend, quoth he, but have a ſkill,
To make what Fotz I pleaſe talk, when I will.—
H 3
Talk!
102 THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE.
Talk! faies the Lady, I engage this ring,
You neither make it talk, whyffel, nor fing.-
Out flew the Knight, moſt terribly array'd;
At fight whereof the Dame was nought afraid.-
Upon the bed the Lady hath he pitch'd,
And there fhe lay, as if ſhe was bewitch'd:
And after many pleafaunt fauncies there,
Breethed the Knight awhile, to take the air;
And whispering the Fotz, holding his noſe,
Biddith my Lady Fotz tell all ſhe knows.
Gapid the Fotz, and gabbill'd far and wide,
Telling foch things, the Wedo fwore fhe lied.
I yield, faies fhe-you are a ſkilful youth;
I yield, if you will ſtop that lyar's mouth.-
'Tis mighty well, faies he, we ſoon ſhall trie
Whether my Lady Fotz has learnt to lie—
And thrusting into Fotz's mouth a gag,
Her next door neighbour's tong began to wag.
Saies fhe, in a crack'd voice, like one you feign,
All that Fotz fayth I am ready to maintain.
Enough, the Lady faith, Sir Knight, have done,
Here, take the ring, I own 'tis fairly won;
And
THE PRIVY-COUNSELLOR'S TALE. 103
And fince you are a Knight of fo great power,
Freely I offer both myſelf and dower ;
And certes one was made for t'other's fake-
For you can give no more than I can take.
The fabul's finifhed, the King is hele,
The Damzill is contented yvery deal;
And GRIG had fons, and they had many heirs,
And they were all like GRIG, all free from cares;
Their hearts would nivir fink no more than cork,
And tho' no Kings, they ftill are Dukes of York.
Hele, whole recovered.
THE
H 4
→
*
}
[104]
THE
STUDENT of LAW's TALE;
OR
The CURE for SYMPATHY.
TALE VI.
IGN of the Lamb, near Ludgate, you may find,
SIG
The fign is emblem of the owner's mind.
EMANUEL COOPER dwelleth in that place,
A Mercer, with an yvir ſmiling-face,
Speking ſo ſoft, and pityfull, and meek,
It ſeems he rather bleateth than doth fpeke;
All pepil that do país he humbly greets,
Nay, when the wanton ftops him in the ſtreets,
Tho' he doth moſt abhor the harlot's waies,
That ſhe will let him go, he foftly praies;
Altho' fhe holds him faft he will not fwear,
But, yvir-fmiling, doth intreat her fair.-
He
THE STUDENT of LAW'S TALE; &c. 105
He hath heard his Onkil fay there is ne vice
He mote efchew like Harlotry and Dice;
Harlots make men unfit to get an heir,
And Dice confume all that the Harlots fpare.
This Onkil is a Scriv'nir in the Strond,
Is rich, and lendeth money upon lond,
A batcheller, and old, and dredeful fly,
And truftith not to poffibillity:
For he will fee EMANUEL have a fon,
Before he builds the houfe at Edmonton,
With golden letters wrote upon the wall,
Adviſing folk to name it Cooper-hall.
The way EMANUEL toke to get a wife,
Is fubject of this Tale, and beſt of all his life.
EMANUEL hath near ferved out his years,
Having ne vice at all the Onkil fears;
Ne caufe the Onkil hath to be afraid,
Vice hath he none, but craftyneſs of trade.
And now above a month his maſtir's gone
To drink the rede cow's milk at Yflington,
And yvery day they loke for him to die
Of a Confomption and the Lipprofie;
?
And
106 THE STUDENT OF LAW'S TALE; OR,
And for that he doth truft EMANUEL,
He leaveth him alone to buy and fell.
His Dame was brought up high, and knows not
trade,
To an Earl's Countess was fhe waiting-maid;
Pofys for rings contrives, and rhimes indites,
And can difcourfe either with Squires or Knights,
Having quaint terms, and phraſes to propound,
Which thoſe that dwell by Poul's cannot expound.
But fhe hath long been very fick, and vows
How fhe hath got the fickneſs of her Spouſe;
Her Husband's kindred alfo do proclaim,
How he hath got the fickneſs of the Dame
That the hath ſecret drogues, and but pretends
To ufe the drogues her Huſband's doctor fends:
And fo by following another courſe,
She is grown better, and the Huſband worſe.
His Doctor fays, that ſhe is whole and pure,
;
And doubteth not that he hath done the cure:
Her Spouſe will not be cur'd, the Doctor fees,
Becauſe of complication of difeafe.
Doctor
THE CURE FOR SYMPATHY. 107
Doctor and ISABELL maintain it ftill,
That ISABELL was fmit by RICHARD'S ill;
RICHARD rejoices fhe hath gained helth,
Maketh his will, and leaveth her his welth.
ISABELL's eye hath notic'd many a time,
EMANUEL COOPER entering in his prime,
And hath delighted, many a time, to fee
Soch perfect maiden-like fimplicitie.
One evening in her chamber fhe will fup,
And bids the Maid to call EMANUEL up;
Blofhing, and hanging down his heade, he comes,
Sitting him down, and loking at his thumbs.-
Upon the bed by her ſhe makes him fit,
And helpeth him to yvery dainty bit;
Come, faies the Dame, filling a cup quite up,
Take off this wine, I will not bate a fup:
Unto my Maftir's helth, quoth he, and drinks it
dry;
Lord take his foul, faies fhe, and falls to cry,
Name him no more, for it will break my heart,
The Doctor faies, that he fhall foon depart,
And
108 THE STUDENT OF LAW'S TALE; OR,
And alſo faies, that when my Spouſe is flain,
I fhall not after him long time remain:
By ſympathy his malady I have,
And fympathy fhall join us in the grave:
The remedy for ſympathy is fure,
But it is one I nivir will endure.
Quoth then EMANUEL, weeping as he ſpoke,
Your cafe would pierce a heart, if it was oak;
Bot if you flay the life that you may ſpare,
It is a fin as dedely as deſpair.
You fpeke devout, quoth fhe, but Heav'ns a friend
To all that mean no ill, when they offend.
Quoth he, that is but fotelty, I fear,
For where the law is plain, the fault is clear;
Is it not written, that you fhall not kill?
Therefor the crime is both in deed and will.
I do confefs, quoth fhe, ftroaking her ring,
Deep is the judgment of your reafoning.-
Befides, faies he, my Maftir may
may mend yet;
!
With that at once fhe falls into a fit,
Sotelty, Subtilty.
Catches
THE CURE FOR SYMPATHY. 109
$
Catches EMANUEL by the hand, and faies,
For mercy's fake, EMANUEL, cut my ſtaies.
EMANUEL takes a knife and cuts the ftring,
And ISABELL about his waiſt doth cling :
Feel but my heart, faies fhe, how it doth beat,
Put in your hand, EMANUEL, farther, fweet.
In footh, quoth he, you are in piteous hap,
The maid had beft come up :- I'll give a rap.
No, no, quoth fhe, I thank you for your love,
Sit down upon the bed, you fhall not move;
Pity for me, hath wrought in your diſtreſs,
Another cup will cure your hevynefs.
The wine, to make it richer cordial,
Mingled the Dame Cantharides withall;
EMANUEL drinks it up, the wine is choice,
Wipeth his mouth, and cleareth up his voice:
Madam, quoth he, if Heaven doth intend
To take away my Maſtir, and my friend,
The byfneſs of the fhop I'le undertake,
Both for your own, and for my Maftir's fake.
In that I am contented well, quoth fhe,
Could I but take the Cure for Sympathy:
10
प
It
110 THE STUDENT OF LAW'S TALE; or,
It is a filthy Cure-EMANUEL, mark;
You may ſuppoſe yourſelf to be the ſpark :
Take a young ſpark, it ſays, and let him be
A maid and modeft, not paſt twenty-three:
From twenty-three ſhall he begin to count,
And do the deed, 'till he to thirty mount;
And he muſt fecret fwear; and alſo both
Shall bind their member with a fearfull oath,
That neither he nor fhe ſhall find delite,
But do the act as if it was for ſpite.
Quoth then EMANUEL, ftiff as any ſtake,
For now the wine hath made him quite awake,
As to the maiden-term am not afraid;
As Bleffid MARY, am I very maid:
I am but three and twenty yeſterday ;
But for the oath I know not what to ſay;
I am content myſelf it ſo ſhould be,
If that the members alfo will agree.
That's in your power, faies fhe, there is no doubt,
If you'll not think of what you are about ;
You must continue, when you are occupy'd,
To think of any other thing befide.
6
For
THE CURE FOR SYMPATHY. I
For inftance; when you are arrived there,
Keep thinking of a rabbit or a hare-
And we need never feel, nor know no more
Than doth the fhuttle-cock and battle-dore;
Without more words, this treaty fhall have force,
And all the reft are only forms of courſe.
Leave we the parties interchangeably,
To take the folemn oath, and ratify.
They both went on, thinking and nothing ſaying,
"Till the laſt payment of the fum was paying;
And then EMANUEL cried out, I find
I cannot keep the hare within my mind;
When once you fall a ſpinning like a top,
Rabbit and hare out of my mind do hop.-
Go on, you fool, faies fhe, What makes you ftop.
The fum is paid, yet ftill in bed they lay;
Her Sympathy is not quite ſweat away :
Up ftairs the maiden comes, raps at the dore,
Shouting, my Maftir's dede for yvirmore;
His man from Yflington doth ſay, below,
That he went off as any child hall go.
Shout
112 THE STUDENT OF LAW'S TALE; or,
Shout not, the Dame replies, I understand,
Holding EMANUEL's handle in her hand.
Run to the Undertaker of our ſtreet;
I fear me RICHARD will not long keep fweet:
I go, quoth fhe, EMANUEL, this day,
Too far for health to lofe it in the way:
And as it needs muſt be provoking pain
To run this race of penitence again,
And as your three and twentieth year is out,
It is but fafe to take another bout:
If this had been but a pretence or trick,
She mote have pleaded falſe Arithmetick;
But, as fhe fairly own'd the whole receipt,
It's evident the had no deſign to cheat;
And fo EMANUEL, after fome paufe,
Mended the bill, and put in a new claufe.-
I will not paint the difmal funeral,
The Wedo's lamentations tragical;
Whofo delighteth to depicture woe
Richly deferveth wretchednefs allfo :
Yet can I not defcribe, without a figh,
The penalties that wait on perjury.
EMANUEL
THE CURE FOR SYMPATHY. 113
EMANUEL is forefworn; it is his doom
To languifh with one foot within the tomb:
For three whole moons in raging pain he lay-
The fourth the perjur'd limb is ſnatch'd away-
Heaven is appeas'd at laft, EMANUEL found,
And for ſo ſmall a lofs glad to compound.
What great Philofophers obferve is true,
Allthough a Member will not grow anew;
Yet, notwithſtanding this, the member brother
Fares better for the abſence of the other;
For, when they go together in a pair,
The next ſurviving brother is the heir ;
But if they're fingle, and the right not plain,
The benefit devolves upon the brain;
And thus EMANUEL, having need of it,
Receives a pritty legacy in wit:
He gives the Potiker and Surgeon fee
To keep the loſs of Member fecrecy.
No longer to the Chainge EMANUEL reſorts,
He is allwaies at the Stews and Inns of Courts;
He drinks and beats the Watch, lies out'anights,
Living with Lawyers Clerks and wicked Wights.-
I
In
114 THE STUDENT OF LAW'S TALE; or,
In greateſt grief is interval of eafe;
One day the Wedoe ſeizeth one of theſe,
Calleth EMANUEL, fheweth plain the cafe,
How, from the lewdnefs of his laft embrace,
It happens that ſhe is not healid quite-
Trie to be more compos'd, faies fhe to-night.
Compos'd! EMANUEL faith, it cannot be;
With you I needs muſt feel felicitie.
To do an act like this from generous ſenſe,
Without defire, is true benevolence:
Benevolence belongs to marry'd life;
'Tis what the Law beftows upon a Wife.
Benevolence, for Lawyers various ſpeak,
Some fay is once a month, fome once a week;
However, from the whole, it doth appear,
One ſhould not put it off beyond the year.
I own there is another fentiment,
That once in a whole life-time is fufficient.
Benevolence, fay theſe puzzlers and confounders,
Is juſt the ſame as riding of the bounders.
EMANUEL, quoth fhe, I cannot guefs,
Whether your Modefty or Wit is leſs ;
Wit,
THE CURE FOR SYMPATHY. 115
Wit, in a Mercer, is both fin and fhame;
Return it to the ftews, from whence it came.
I value not, quoth he, your wipes a ſtraw-
I find great uſe in ſtudying of the Law:
And now obferve-To all and fingular,
EMANUEL COOPER hereby doth declare,
By virtue of Recovery and Surrender,
It is agreed between him and his Member,
That he, the faid EMANUEL, fhall direct,
And, for the future, fhew him no refpect;
And he, the faid EMANUEL, doth diſclaim
All further finfull knowledge of his Dame,
In any faſhion, or in any place,
At any time, or upon any cafe:
Provided, and it is hereby agreed,
If he and ſhe to marrying accede,
This ſhall by no means hinder the good man,
Then and at all times, to perform the beft he can.-
This crafty Covenant between theſe twain,
Hath made the Wedo think 'till thinking's vain ;
And finding now no hope on other ſcore,
Refolves at once, and doubteth nivir more-
I 2
Calleth
116 THE STUDENT OF LAW'S TALE, &c.
Calleth her friends, maketh for life the leafe,
And fleepeth with EMANUEL in peace;
And, to compleat his and the Onkil's joy,
Bringeth him once a year a curios boy;
And now the Onkil's dead, and they have all
And keep their Chriftenmas at Cowper-hall.
P**TY'S
[ 117 ]
P* * TY'S TALE;
OR THE
CAVALIER NU N.
Novimus et qui te, tranfverfa tuentibus hircis,
Et quo fed faciles nympha rifere facello.
TALE VII.
BOTH high and low! fimple and wife!
Agree in making a great buftle,
About a certain pair of eyes,
Belonging to the Houfe of R-—— L.
Though not ſo awful and diſcreet,
There was a pair of eyes at Bruffels,
Far more compaffionately fweet,
Than Lady CAROLINA R-L'S.
Her eyes are like thofe fwords of fire,
The flaming fwords to Angels given,
By which impure and raſh defire
From the forbidden fruit are driven.
Far
I 3
118
TALE; or,
P * * TY'S
P** TY'S
Far other eyes are thoſe I mean,
I ſpeak of an inviting pair,
The property of frail eighteen,
A Nun as amorous as fair.
Impaffion'd eyes, fit for a Nun;
Eyes that love lights and VENUS fhapes;
Eyes like the gilding of the fun,
Gilding ripe nectarines and grapes.
The Lady Abbefs was her Aunt,
And, as they lay in the fame cell,
The Abbefs was fo complaifant,
She paſs'd her time exceeding well.
She had the privilege alone
Of running in the convent-ground,
Surrounded by high walls of ftone,
Juſt like a filly in a pound.
Within this cloſe were fhady trees,
And there an Oratory ſtood;
A Chapel of delight and eaſe,
When folks delight in doing good.
After her matines and her complines,
Here ſhe ſpent many pleaſant hours;
Inftead
The CAVALIER NUN.
119
Inftead of making cakes and dumplings,
Purſes and artificial flowers.
'Twas a delightful life ſhe led,
Here every day fhe met her monk,
Unleſs he was confin'd in bed,
Which was the cafe when he was drunk.
One day within this Oratory,
As he was with her Monk in chat,
Inſtead of being folitary,
And melancholy as a cat;
Chatt'ring with many a lewd device,
In which they neither were to ſeek,
Tricks that Love teaches in a trice,
Better than ftudying a week
In gibberish, and playful cant,
Father, fays fhe, pulling him down,
I've a great mind to turn gallant,
And give your Reverence a green gown:
And, like my Aunt, I'll make you mad,
As mad as King NEBUCHADNAZOR,
When the transforms you to a pad,
As he was turn'd into a grazer.
I
4
For
120
TALE, &c.
P**TY'S
For all your ſtiffneſs and your pride,
With whip and ſpur, I'll make you run ;
To which the humbled Monk reply'd,
Spouſe of the Lord, thy will be done.
Her pad, as ſturdy as a Miller's,
She taught to rear, curvet, and prance,
Make graceful caprioles, and dance,
As if he was between the pillars.
The Monk cry'd out, My Lady Abbeſs!
My Lady Abbefs! without ceaſe,
Your ways are ways of pleaſantneſs,
And all your paths are joy and peace.
This whole Tale is comprized in a fingle Monkiſh
diftich, which the Author has, with infinite delight,
often heard repeated by the perſon whofe name this
Tale bears. As the Tale is entirely taken from that
hint, his worthy friend has the beft title to it.
In viridi prato Monialem ludere vidi
Cum Monacho leviter, ille fub illa fuper.
ARSINOE:
[ لصيا
121 ]
ARSI
NO E:
Or, PASSION OVERSTRAINED.
Old HE WET's
Tale;
A celebrated humorift, well known in the great and
little world, and all the world over. He was a great
friend of the owner, and had a great love for
Crazy Caftle: the place and the company he was
fure to meet there, were perfectly fuited to his hu-
mour and turn of thinking. He died at Florence,
and the following epitaph, which was made in his
life-time, he ordered to be put upon his grave-
ftone. It was wrote by one of his Italian com-
panions, an abbaté, in Monkifh Latin.
EPI TAP H.
ESPITE tectus, arca vili
CE
Superbis inimicus Cippis
Tiberis omnibus et Nili
Notus tonforibus et lippis,
Romæ Romanus, Mundi Civis,
Qui Turcas inter, Turca fuit,
Et qualis quifquis, Talis cuivis,
Hic jacet GULIELMUS HEWET,
Navibus,
122
ARSINO E; org
-
Navibus, Bigis, Comes patiens,
Hilaris, et plenus falis,
Jucundus, pedes iter factens,
Et pro Vehiculo Sodalis.
Viris principibus, Solutus.
Dictenis, carus inter vina,
Nec Infimis, Vappâ prolutus
Immundà, minus in popinâ.
Sit ubi velis, Eft beatus,
Sit infra, fupra vel fublimis,
Hofpes quocunque Loco gratus
Deorum Superis et imis.
TRANSLATE D.
COVE
YOVER'D with turf, in a vile cheft,
Old HEWET lies amongſt the dead,
Juft as well off as thoſe that reft
With piles of marble o'er their head,
On Arno, Tiber, and the Rhone,
To every Vettorino known.
At Rome, in Roman manners vers'd,
He walk'd with publicans and finners,
And churchmen keen, that hunger and thirst,
For want of news and want of dinners.—
In
PASSION OVERSTRAINED. 123
In Turkey HEWET was a Turk:
Like ARISTIPPUS or SAINT PAUL,
He went the ſhorteſt way to work,
And made himſelf all things to all.
He could the traveller's hours beguile
In Trac-Schuts creeping in the dark,
Or dragg'd through floughs of many a mile
In tumbrils huge, like Noah's ark.
On foot, as good with ftrollers ftrolling,
As a machine to laugh and roll in.
A gueſt delightful to the great,
The great in virtue as in fin,
And as well pleas'd, nor leſs a treat,
At a gargotte or carrier's inn.
Let not his friends therefore be griev'd;
He's happy, that's enough to know,
Sure to be always well receiv'd,
Either above ftairs or below.
A welcome inmate, with his merits,
Either to good or wicked fpirits.
ARSINOE:
[ 124 ]
ARSINO E,
&c.
Old HEW E T's Tale.
TALE VIII.
IT is not only love you'll find,
You must not mind what poets ſay,
All our strong paffions are as blind,
Our weakeſt ſcarce can fee their way.
A tale will tell you what I mean :
Enter ARSINOE, the queen.
Her favourite fon, a puny chick,
Once on a time, was taken fick.
Doctors were fent for into Greece,
A humour feiz'd upon his bum,
He might at leaſt have dy'd in peace,
If theſe Greek Doctors had not come.
After they had given him the queſtion,
With every kind of racking pain,
After they had burnt and cut Hepheſtion,
And burnt and cut him o'er again,
At
ARSIN O E, &c.
125
At last, the Doctors let him go,
And left the Queen in frantic woe.
Her eyes were fix'd, her talk was wild,
Like NIOBE, ſhe ſtood amazed;
She wonder'd death durft ſtrike her child,
And all her people thought her crazed.
For fhe had feven fons befide;
The worst of all was he that dy'd.
Ten thouſand workmen were employ'd,
For twenty years, I do fuppofe,
To give his corpfe a royal dwelling;
Ten thouſand oxen were deſtroy'd,
Each day to feaſt her darling's noſe,
As all his pleaſure lay'd in ſmelling.
Her courtiers, to preſerve their places,
Forgot to fhew their teeth and ſmile;
They came with undertakers faces,
And adulation new and vile.
Juſt ſuch a court, for cant and fnivel,
As when prieſt-ridden LEWIS doated,
Frighten'd with ſtories of the devil,
MAINTENON'D, be-petticoated,
9
Marry'd
126
ARSINO E; or,
Marry'd his nurſe; and, what was worſe,
The devil always in his head,
He durft not lie without his nurſe,
And always pifs'd his nurſe's bed.-
Phyfic had done the worſt it could,
At length philofophy was brought;
A Brachman cry'd, I have a thought
May do your Majefty much good.
The Queen afforded him her ear,
And he proceeded as you'll hear.-
The Gods, difpers'd through various nations,
Were fummon'd, by Jove's bounteous call;
Beyond their hopes and expectations,
The Gods were portion'd, great and ſmall,
With riches, power, the gift of healing,
The art of war, and art of ftealing;
The ſcientific art of drinking,
The art of mufic and of metre,
The art of living without thinking,
An art in my opinion ſweeter;
The art of pleaſing, the compleateſt,
The art of love, by far the ſweeteſt.
Amongſt
PASSION OVERSTRAINED. 127
Amongst the Gods affembled then,
Dame Sorrow was not to be found;
Sorrow was fretting in fome den,
Or lying fulky under ground.
Whether or no he did not care,
Or out of fight ſhe flipp'd his mind,
Sorrow got nothing for her fhare,
In any ſhape, of any kind.
At laft, however, with her cries,
She mov'd the ruler of the fkies.
Sorrow, faid Jove, is always waking;
You heard my fummons, like the reſt,
Scarce any thing remains worth taking,
I have difpos'd of all the beſt :
And yet I think there are a few
Choice rarities, will do for you.
Now, as your ladyfhip loves whimpering,
And has a mortal hate to HEBE,
EUPHROSYNE, and wanton PHEBE-
Girls that love tittering and fimpering-
I give to you and your affigns
All lamentations, fobs, and whines;
3
Urns
128.
ARSIN O E; or,
Urns full of bones burnt to a coal
And, to refresh your grievous foul,
As I am in a cue for giving,
Pitchers of tears, both mild and ftale,
Beftow'd by people that are living,
On folks as dead as a door nail
And with each pitcher a full pot
Of rich lachrymatory fnot.
And to theſe gifts fo rare, ſo many,
I give you tenderneſs in plenty,
To be beſtow'd like many a dainty,
On thofe that have no need of any.
Juft as the pious Romans treat
Their dead with plenty of nice food,
Altho' they grudge them all they eat,
As long as eating does them good.
And after you have blown your nofe,
Said Jove, and are prepar'd for this,
I give you dead men's eyes to cloſe,
And give you dead men's lips to kifs,
And finally, all funeral rites,
Wherever practis'd and profefs'd,
Whether
PASSION
OVERSTRAINED. 129
Whether perform'd by Blacks or Whites,
With all the fooleries annex'd,
Of which, continued the grave Don,
I think the pyramid is one.
Any great edifice of ftone,
Any great prifon for the dead;
But more eſpecially the cone,
And the rotund with a round head,
Are fooleries; but the moft clever
Are pyramids, I'll tell you why;
They are contriv'd to laft for ever,
Great fooleries that never die :
And therefore none but Kings and Queens,
The Powers above and Powers infernal,
Can find materials, ways, and means
To make a foolery eternal.
This pyramid's majeſtic gloom
To forrow properly belongs,
With its funereal mufic-room,
For dirges and fepulchral fongs.
Here Sorrow, and her handmaid Spleen,
Shall be lock'd up, by my conſent,
K
And,
}
130
ARSINO E; or, &e.
And, in harmonious difcontent,
Dwell here, and never more be ſeen.
Had not you plague enough in making it?
Relinquish it, if you are wife,
And thank her too for taking it;
This is the beſt I can adviſe :
For from that inftant, be affur'd,
Your facred Majeſty is cur❜d.
Pyramids, pitchers, pots, and urn,
Plac'd in fo comical a light,
Gave the Queen's fancy a new turn,
Brought her about, and ſet her right.
The Queen began to taſte repoſe,
Then call'd for cards, and won at play;
And then came joy, couleur de rofe,
And all the court again was gay.
}
DON
[131]
DON PRINGELLO'S TALE:
The FELLOWSHIP of the Holy NUNS;
OR, THE
MONK'S WISE JUDGMENT.
TALE IX.
Detur potiori.
Don PRINGELLO was a celebrated Spaniſh Archi-
tect, of unbounded generofity; at his own ex-
pence, on the other fide of the Pyrenean moun-
tains, he built many noble caſtles, both for pri-
vate people, and for the public. Out of his own
funds, he repaired feveral palaces, fituated upon
the pleaſant banks of that delightful river, the
Garonne, in France and came over on purpoſe
to rebuild Crazy Caftle; but, ftruck with its
venerable remains, he could only be prevailed up-
on to add a few ornaments, fuitable to the ſtyle
and taſte of the age it was built in.
HERE is a noble town call'd Ghent,
THE
A city famous for its wares,
For Priefts and Nuns, and Flanders mares,
And for the beſt of fiſh in Lent.
K 2
There
132 Don PRINGELLO'S TALE; or,
There you may fee, threat'ning deftruction,
A hundred forts and ftrong redoubts,
Juft like VAUBAN's, with ins and outs,
And cover'd-ways of love's conftruction.
In one conftructed as above,
There dwelt two Nuns of the fame age,
Join'd like two birds in the fame cage,
Both by neceffity and love.
In towns of idleneſs and floth,
Where the chief trade is tittle-tattle,
Tho' Priefts are commoner than cattle,
They had but one between them both.
Our Nuns fhould have had two at leaſt,
In Ghent they're common as great guns;
Which made it hard upon our Nuns,
And harder ſtill upon the Prieft.
But he was worthy of all praife,
With ſpreading ſhoulders and a cheſt,
A leg, a chine, and all the reft,
Like HERCULES of the FARNESE.
Amongst the Nuns there was a notion,
That theſe two Sifters were affign'd
To
The MONK'S WISE JUDGMENT. 133
To him, for a feverer kind
Of penitential devotion.
His penance lafted a whole year,
And he had ſuch a piece of work,
If it had been for turning Turk,
It could not have been more fevere.
Our Nuns, which is no common caſe,
Living together without jangling,
All on a fudden fell a wrangling
About precedency and place.
They both with ſpleen were like to burſt,
Like two proud Miffes when they fight,
At an Affembly, for the right
Of being taken out the firſt.
Before the Prieft they made this clatter,
Between them both he was perplex'd,
And ſtudy'd to find out a Text
To end the controverted matter.
Children, faid he, ſcratching his fconçe,
I ſhould be better pleas'd than you,
Could I divide myſelf in two,
And ſatisfy you both at once.
K 3
Angels,
134 Don PRINGELLO'S TALE; or,
Angels, perhaps, may have fuch powers,
But it is fit and ſeaſonable
That you ſhould be more reaſonable,
Whilft you're with Beings ſuch as ours.
Be friends, and liften to the Teacher:
Ceafe
your
vain clamour and diſpute,
Be ye
like little fiſhes mute,
Before Saint ANTHONY the Preacher,
To end at once all difputation,
I'll fet my back againſt that gate,
And there produce, erect and ſtraight,
The cauſe of all your altercation.
But first you both ſhall hooded be,
Both ſo effectually blinded,
'Twill be impoffible to find it,
Except by Chance or Sympathy.
Which of you firſt, be it agreed,
The rudder of the Church can feize,
Like PETER'S Vicar with his keys,
Shall keep the helm, and have the lead;
She ſhall go first, I mean to ſay,
And have precedence every day.
5.
The
The MONK'S WISE JUDGMENT. 135
The Nuns were tickled with the jeft,
They were content; and he contriv'd
To give the helm, for which they ſtriv'd,
To her that manag'd it the beft.
{
THE
K 4
[ 136 ]
THE POET'S TALE
РОЕ
OR THE
CAUTIOUS BRIDE.
TALE X.
BRIDES, in all countries, have been reckon'd,
For the first night, timid and cooliſh,
If they continue fo the fecond,
They always have been reckon'd fooliſh;
The reaſon's obvious and plain-
In many nice and ticklish cafes,
There's much to loſe, and nought to gain,
By affectation and grimaces.
A Bridegroom, on the ſecond night,
Whipt off the bedcloaths in furprize,
Behold,my dear, faid he, a fight,
Enough to make your choler riſe.
She turn'd away as red as fcarlet,
Whilſt he continu'd, Pray behold;
Lay
The POET'S TALE, &c.
137
Lay hands on that outrageous varlet,
That looks fo impudent and bold.
This is the fifteenth time, in vain,
He has been ſent to jail and fetter'd;
But there's no prifon can contain
A prifon-breaker like JACK SHEPHERD.
The Bride turn'd round, and took her place,
After ſome ſtudying and thinking-
Said fhe, recovering her face,
Tho' modefty ftill kept her winking:
In vain the vagabond's committed,
And to hard work and labour fent,
If you, his keeper, are outwitted
By his pretending to repent.
You treat him ruggedly and hard,
Whilſt any infolence appears,
But you're difarm'd, and off your guard,
The moment that he falls in tears.
Now you muſt know, that I fufpect
A fellow-feeling, in ſome ſhape,
Or else you would not, through neglect,
Let him continually efcape.
I'll
138
The POET'S TALE, &c.
I'll lend no hand, unless you'll fwear,
That you'll deliver him to me,
And ſuffer me to keep him there,
"Till I confent to fet him free.
{
THE
[ 139 ]
THE
GOVERNOR of T**LBURY'S TALE:
OR, THE
UNREASONABLE COMPLAINT.
TALE XI.
A Brute, a Peafant, dwelt near Nantz,
For they're ſynonimous in France,
Who every day of his vile life,
When he had nothing elfe to do,
Thrafh'd, or apply'd his wooden fhoc
To the pofteriors of his wife.
But, as all good and evil's equal,
All was balanc'd in the fequel;
Every night, he had that pride,
His debit, on the whole amount.
Of the poſterior account,
Was balanc'd by the other fide.
Ae
140
The GOVERNOR of T**LBURY'S TALE; or,
}
Like debts of honour loft at play,
Before he flept, he was fure to pay.
And every morn before he roſe,
He left her, over and above,
A token of his conftant love,
Steady and conftant as his blows.
One morning at his Spouſe's levee,
The blows and curfes fell fo heavy,
Before the Lady of the place,
Poor JAQUETTE ran with her complaint,
With all the red and purple paint
Beſtow'd upon her noſe and face.
The Lady pity'd her juſt grief,
And took a courſe for her relief;
PIERRE was fummon'd to appear,
And must have rotted in a jail,
Had he not found fufficient bail,
For his behaviour for a year.
The dread of fines, a jail, and whipping,
Like other folks, kept him from tripping.
About a month after this pafs'd,
For JAQUETTE the good Lady fent,
And
The UNREASONABLE COMPLAINT. 141
And aſk'd her if she was content,
And PIERRE peaceable at laſt.
Truly, fays fhe, I must confefs,
That mine's a fingular diſtreſs ;
For tho' he beat me black and blue,
At night he always made it up,
In bed, over a chearful cup,
Where I was as content as you.
But now, he ſays, he's off his mettle,
Becauſe we've no accounts to fettle.
Let him indulge his appetite,
This very day let him begin
A freſh account, upon my ſkin,
And ſettle it this very night.
After ſuch plenty of good fare,
To be reduc'd is hard to bear.
What then, my Lady, muft I feel,
Depriv'd entirely of my meat,
Without a morfel left to eat,
Except what I can beg or fteal?
The Lady cry'd, You'd make one think,
That you did nought but eat and drink.
Did
142 The GOVERNOR of T**LBURY'S TALE; EST.
Did you live always at this pafs,
Or now and then, and then it ceas'd,
Like Shrovetide, or a village Feaft,
Or like a Bishop's faying Maſs ?
A tear ftood trembling in her eye,
Whilft JAQUETTE made her this reply:
He was as fure as the Church Chimes!
And I can fay, what few can ſay,
He allow'd me three warm meals a day,
And afternoonings too fometimes.
'Twas not from indigeftion,
That never was the queſtion;
If now and then my fare was worſe,
It was becauſe, the day before,
He happen'd to allow me more
Than was convenient for his purſe.
The Lady cry'd, Submit in quiet;
My Spouſe all day, ſhall thraſh his fill,
I'll never fay that I'm usid ill,
If he'll allow me fuch a diet.
1
THE
[ 143 ]
1
THE
NOBLE REVENGE;
OR, THE
L** B's TALE.
A
TALE XII.
LL people, languages, and nations,
In fummer-time, have country ſtations,
And have contrivances and ways,
Some very old and others new,
To get the better of long days,
Which are the hardeſt to ſubdue.
In Italy the morning paffes
In viſiting and hearing maffes
;
And every creature, after dinner,
Retire, in couples or alone;
1
Both male and female, faint and finner,
Strip themſelves naked as a ſtone.
7
}
All
I
144 THE NOBLE REVENGE, &c.
All the world's out when night approaches,
A-foot, in curricles, and coaches;
Then they give concerts and act plays,
And ſup at one another's houſes :
The Wives go with their Chechiſbays,
Their Mates with other people's Spouſes.
In France, and probably in Spain,
Summer gets on with toil and pain;
The Ladies fally, with long canes,
To gather flowers, or pick a fallet,
Attended by fantaſtic Swains,
Like Figure-dancers in a ballet.
Some ſtay within and do much better;
Some only ſtay to write a letter;
Others into the garden run,
To bowl, or fhoot with bows and arrows;
STREPHON, with CHLOE and a gun,
Makes love, and fires among the ſparrows.
Kill all the tenants of the grove,
But let thoſe live that only live to love.
Pray, how do Engliſh ſummers go?
They paſs their fummers but fo fo;
3
More
THE NOBLE REVENGE, &.. 145
More like the Germans than the French,
Drinking as long as they are able,
And never thinking of a wench,
'Till all the liquor's off the table:
But when they give their mind that way,
No people more alert than they.
VENUS is cruelly afraid,
BACCHUS encroaches there fo much,
Left he ſhould ſpoil the Cyprian trade,
AS PLUTUS ſpoils it with the Dutch.
One fummer, in the month of June,
My Lady was quite out of tune;
To fet things right, fhe and my Lord
Repair to the old country-feat,
Which to enjoy, with one accord,
They lie apart, and feldom meet.
They neither need to mope alone,
Each have companions of their own;
His are the worft, without all queſtion,
Led-Captains, Squires, and Parfons, with
Hers, females of a ſtrong digeftion,
MINGOTTI and her Fiddling Friend.-
L
But
146 THE NOBLE REVENGE, &..
But then my Lord had a refource,
Which made things equaller of courſe:
There is a place his Lordſhip chufes,
I know not upon what pretence,
To call the Temple of the Muſes,
Built with less judgment than expence.
To puſh on time a little fafter,
My Lord appointing a toaſt-mafter,
Oft to the Temple's facred fhade
Retires, like NUMA to his charmer,
To meet ſome favourite Chamber-maid,
Or the fair Daughter of fome farmer.
One afternoon a ſpy reveal'd
The fecrets that thoſe walls conceal'd.-
When my Lord was inclin❜d to take it,
There was a room for making tea,
My Lady's woman us'd to make it,
And always us'd to keep the key.
He had left off tea fome time; but why,
ABIGAIL was refolv'd to fpy.
Within the room ſhe made, or found,
A hole to peep into the next;
Her
?
THE NOBLE REVENGE, &c. 147
Her labour with fuccefs was crown'd,
Though the diſcovery made her vex’d.
He left off tea, you may infer,
Becauſe he was tir'd to death of her.
She faw, as plain as eyes could fee,
And never faw him half fo keen,
*
My Lord as buſy as a bee,
Sipping the ſweets of ſweet Eighteen.
To be difcarded and turn'd off,
Of every ſervant-wench the fcoff!
For whom? The Wife of a mean Taylor :
Such was the Nymph in the Muſes houſe;
She look'd as if fhe could impale her,
Even as a Taylor would a louſe.
My Lord return'd, fated with glory,
And BETTY ran to tell her ftory-
Says he, Your Ladyſhip's ſo kind,
My zeal for you made me ſuſpicious;
I watch'd, but never thought to find
Any thing downright flagitious.
Againſt mankind fhe declaim'd next,
And then ſtuck cloſely to her text;
L 2
Minutely
148 THE NOBLE REVENGE, &..
Minutely painted the whole ſcene,
The Nymph, her age, her lovely figure;
And, to encreaſe her Lady's fpleen,
She magnify'd his Lordship's vigour.
Great was her Ladyſhip's diſtreſs,
How ſhe would act, is hard to guefs.
All folks allow revenge is ſweet,
And many think that nothing's ſweeter;
But 'tis a maxim with the Great,
The meaner the Revenge the greater.
Caprice, according to FONTAINE,
Guides almoft every female brain;
If meer caprice can raiſe a flame,
To make a Dwarf enjoy a Queen,
Revenge may make the nobleft Dame
Employ an inftrument as mean.
Nature left to herself moft prone is,
To follow the Lex talionis,
In every nice and doubtful cafe.
My Lady drove as nature led;
And ſo ſhe took, in my Lord's place,
Her rival's Huſband to her bed.
A Taylor's
THE NOBLE REVENGE, &c. 149
A Taylor's nothing on his board,
In bed he's better than a Lord,
Her Ladyship found him fo there;
And by his help, after ten years,
At laſt produc'd a Son and Heir,
That made my Lord the happieſt of Peers.
To the LA DIE S.
LADIES, you have heard of Tit for Tat-
Lex Talionis was like that :
It was an equitable law, whereby
You weigh'd the perſon and the failure;
It gave you tooth for tooth, and eye
And for a Lord, fometimes a Taylor.
for eye
1
>
L3
THOMAS-
[ 150 ]
THOMAS OF COLEBY'S TALE.
PORCI A,
OR, PASSION OVERACTED.
E come too late, cartout eft dit,
WE
Says La Bruyere; and more fool he:
Not only every age, each year
Brings fcenes unknown before to view,
New realms of fancy ftill appear,
And beyond them, regions ſtill new.
VOLTAIRE, and others I can mention,
Will give a colour and freſh look,
A lively varniſh, like invention,
To any tale in any book;
And ſell you one, ten times repeated,
Like an old watch in a new cafe,
Or an old drab, with whom you're cheated,
Taking her home for a new face.
1
Drefs'd
PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED. 151
Drefs'd by the Graces and FONTAINE,
In a coquetiſh deſhabillé,
Without her weeds and Roman train *
The Ephefian matron pleaſes ftill.
And PORCIA too, whoſe tale I tell,
Adorn'd by them, had pleas'd as well.
PORCIA Could never be conſol❜d
For the departure of her ſpouſe;
A fever, caught by catching cold,
Of
Had cancell❜d their connubial vows.
every comfort now bereft,
The wretch's comfort, and the curfe,
Was all the comfort fhe had left-
That is, Fate could not uſe her worſe :
Her grief was fettled, like her dower,
For life, and out of fortune's power.
To lay her grief up ſafe and ſound,
Where forrow might have elbow-room,
No place above, or under ground,
Was fitter than her huſband's tomb :
*Told by Petronius Arbiter.
L 4
Than
152 PORCIA; or, PASSION ÖVERACTED.
1
Than that deep cave, l'fhould have ſaid,
That held the tomb wherein he laid;
With vaulted roof lofty and wide,
Where every figh and plaintive moan
Were play'd about from fide to fide,
Or whiſper'd in the ſweeteſt tone.
There with his tomb fhe found, in brief,
All the whole equipage of woe,
And every utenfil of grief,
Both for convenience and ſhow.
A lamp on each fide of his urn,
Of vaſes lachrymal a diſh,
A ftone to fit upon
and mourn,
As cold as broken-heart could wiſh :
And on his urn engrav'd there were,
A torch revers'd, to fhew her lofs,
Death's head, and with Death's head a pair
Of marrow bones were lay'd acroſs :
As good, tho' only made of ſtone,
For grief to pick, as real bone.
Whether the day was fair or foul,
Moſt of it paſs'd within this cell :
A folemn
635
PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED. 153
A folemn folo from the owl,
At night was PORCIA's warning-bell;
Warn'd from the manfions of the dead,
To water with freſh tears her bed.
Nature, alarm'd for PORCIA's fake,
Took her into her ſpecial keeping;
The harm ſhe did herſelf awake,
Nature repair'd when ſhe was fleeping.
PORCIA, refreſh'd by balmy fleep,
Roſe every morning like the fun,
Emerging vigorous from the deep,
Prepar'd his daily courfe to run.
One afternoon, the month was May,
PORCIA had din'd in her poor way.
A cavalier rode gently by,
As fhe was going upon duty,
And with a critic's curious
eye
Survey'd this melancholy beauty.
Her hair in careleſs ringlets ſpread,
Two large black eyes to fuit her hair,
The graceful pofture of her head,
Smooth, white, round breafts, a ftrutting pair,
With
154 PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED.
With rofy buttons budding fweet,
That correſpond but never meet.
A fhape, a hand, delicious arms,
An outline elegantly drawn,
Were ample fureties for the charms
Hid by reluctant crape and lawn.
Such an affortment of rich wares,
With ſo much art and taſte diſplay'd,
Such tempting baits and cunning fnares,
Concupifcence had ſeldom lay'd.
Our horfeman firſt furvey'd his ground;
That done, he was difmounted ſoon,
Not like a trooper by a wound,
But like an active brave dragoon.
So have I feen, in the fame guiſe,
A 'fquire drawn in by two arch eyes:
For lo, the 'fquire, difmounting ſtrait,
Firſt argues with himſelf awhile,
Then hangs his horfe upon a gate,
Then follows PHEBE o'er a ftile.
PORCIA meanwhile, on her ſtone ſeat,
Lamenting fat, warm as a toaft:
་
Nothing
PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED. 155
Nothing but PORCIA's natural heat
Could have maintain'd fo cold a poſt;
For Nature, as I faid before,
Had ammunition always near,
And freſh recruits for evermore,
To pour into her front and rear.
And now appear'd, in fad array,
CLODIO, the hero of the play.
Entering the vault with downcaft eyes,
He threw himſelf upon the ground,
Whilft PORCIA's cadenc'd moans and fighs
Gently reverberated round.
PORCIA'S melodious complaints
Were like the mufic of the ſpheres,
Delightful mufic for the faints,
But none at all for CLODIO's ears.
He feem'd quite loft in deep defpair,
Or fo abforb'd in mental vifions,
He heard them not, or did not care
For all her quavers and divifions.
On the cold ftones reclining laid,
At length with woe-ftruck voice he ſaid,
See
156 PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED.
See, ANNA, where thy CLODIO lies,
For ever faithful to his vows,
Pouring his annual facrifice
Upon the grave of his lov'd ſpouſe.
Difdain not, in the realms above,
The tears of confecrated love!-
Sitting unnotic'd and neglected,
Eve's curiofity or pique,
A pique one ſcarce could have ſuſpected,
Prompted the dowager to ſpeak.
The cafe was delicate and nice ;
She took her chance, and broke the ice.
Welcome, poor wretch, to this abode,
This houſe of death, continued ſhe ;
This paſſage is the only road
To peace and reſt for thee and me.
Then ty'd her ſpeech up with a figh,
Waiting for CLODIO's reply.
Oh let me hear that voice again!
Is it a real voice, he cry'd,
Or an illufion of the brain ?
Real, alas! the voice reply'd.
}
Rous'd
PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED. 157
Rous'd by the voice's awful found,
At once he ſtarted from the ground,
Like GARRICK, rivetting his eyes
On PORCIA, with a frantic glare!
PORCIA play'd JULIET's ſurpriſe,
With BELLAMY's ſurpriſing ftare.
No painter's art could have devis'd
Two figures that feem'd more furpris'd.
But what was more ſurpriſing, clearly,
She on her ftone, he on his feet,
Miſtook each other very queerly,
Struck by a ſimilar conceit :
Each ſaw their ſpouſe, in either figure,
Reſtor❜d to life, in perfect vigour.
Some time was ſpent in contemplation,
Previous to any declaration.
When their confufion was abated,
And things feem'd ripe for a debate,
Preliminary forms were ſtated,
Relative to their preſent ſtate;
And at the laſt from their confuſion
They drew a very fair conclufion:
1
:
{
It
158 PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED.
It follow'd, from the first impreffion
Made upon both at the firſt glance,
That fuch a lively, juft expreffion,
Could never be the work of chance:
Two forms fo truly repreſented,
Could not by chance have been preſented.
If 'twas not chance, what then remain'd?
Why this conclufion muſt remain,
If 'twas not chance, 'twas pre-ordain'd;
Nothing in nature was ſo plain.
Both pre-ordain'd, by ſpecial grace,
Their mutual loffes to replace.
This point, difcufs'd on PORCIA's ftone,
Was fairly ſtated, as you'll fee,
And as this ftone could hold but one,
The Widow fat on CLODIO's knee;
This was a neceffary cafe,
For otherwiſe, my worthy Sirs,
If PORCIA had not chang'd her place,
CLODIO muft have fat on her's.
None but a prude, I do ſuppoſe,
Can blame th' alternative fhe chofe.
}
If
PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED. 159
If the reſemblances could reach
To every article throughout,
The repreſentative of each
Could entertain no further doubt;
But doubts must needs be entertain'd,
Till every doubtful point's explain'd:
For likeneſſes are oft deceiving,
Appearances are often cheating;
Seeing is not a firm believing;
The pudding's proof is in the eating:
In that cafe, all you have to do
Is to ſay grace, and then fall to.
Having no fubject for debate,
Wanting no proof but that alone,
They fign'd the treaty drawn by fate,
And feal'd it upon PORCIA's ftone.
And thus the doubtful points compar'd,
Handled and view'd in every light,
All correſpondently declar'd
The previous conclufion right,
And fo the long-predeftin'd pair,
CLODIO and his deputed wife,
2
Leaving
160 PORCIA; or, PASSION OVERACTED.
Leaving the monumental chair,
Roſe from the dead to a new life ;
For having now, as it grew late,
No further buſineſs with the dead,
They finifh'd the decrees of fate,
At PORCIA's houfe, in PORCIA's bed;
But PORCIA firſt prepar'd the way
With a good fupper and tokay.
CLODIO next morning, not before,
Talking of ANNE, and his affliction,
Own'd his wife ANNE, and what was more,
Own'd the whole procefs was a fiction;
He had no wife alive or dead,
The repreſentative of ANNE
Had put that thought out of his head,
And help'd him to a better plan.
But grant, faid he, we both were cheats,
And that your grief, like mine, was feign'd,
Our meeting here between two ſheets,
Might for all that be pre-ordain'd:
A field where you may range and feaft,
Unty'd, not tether'd like a beaft.
FABLES
*
FABLE S
FOR
GROWN GENTLEMEN.
}
M
.
[ 163 ]
FABLE S
FOR
GROWN GENTLEMEN.
A
FABLE I.
The RIVER with a Petition.
Ccording to the Romiſh creed,
I fpeak of Rome two thouſand years ago,
The Life that they fuppos'd the Gods to lead,
You would not chufe to undergo.
Jupiter's Buſineſs, day and night,
Was to attend with open ears and eyes,
And to write down, as faſt as he could write,
All the impertinence that Men deviſe.
Befides men's fopperies and ravings,
The women had ſo great a ſhare,
That their abfurdities and cravings
Omnipotence alone could bear.
M 2
And
164 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
And furthermore, to try his patience,
He heard the prayers and fanciful diſtreſſes
Of all his children and relations,
And of his wife and his mif-treffes.
Once on a time, if you'll believe tradition,
A river in great tribulation,
To Jupiter preſented a petition,
With an expoftulating exhortation ;
Whereby, if the petitioner's refus'd,
He has a right to think himſelf ill-us'd;
A form of prayer contriv'd for execution,
Exactly like a double-barrell'd gun,
Which if you fire with refolution,
You have another chance when one is done:
So far from killing two birds with one ftone,
An art that's very little known;
All the petitioner defir'd to do,
Was to kill one with two.
Now this petition fhew'd how the petitioner,
For his attachment and devotion,
Had been appointed a commiffioner
Of the revenues of the Ocean,
Which
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 165
Which he collected with great pains,
And fent in good and current caſh,
But for his trouble and clear gains,
The Sea return'd adulterated trafh:
Wherefore he pray'd,
Exhorted, and fubmitted,
That all the fums the Ocean pay'd,
Shall for the future be remitted
And iffued fair,
Without debaſement or impair.
Ungrateful Thames! the God reply'd,
Without that mixture and alloy,
Which the Sea pours into thee every tide,
Thy beauty and thy ftrength would wear away.
Without his aid thou wouldst remain
Like TIBER, or the poor pretending SEINE,
Led through parterres or rolled down a caſcade,
Confin'd to vanity, and loft to trade.
'Tis thus the Highlander complains,
'Tis thus the Union they abuſe
For binding their back-fides in chains,
And ſhackling their free feet in fhoes:
M
3
For
166 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
For giving them our food and fuel,
And comfortable cloaths,
Inſtead of cruel oat-meal gruel;
Inſtead of rags and heretable blows.
Luxury every day grows ftronger;
The Highland fair,
Beholds her lover now no longer;
Trotting with his buttocks bare.
Thus Doctor BROWN was taken with the spleen,
And fancy'd we were all undone,
Raving about a carpet and a ſcreen,
And out of temper with the fun :
Becauſe it is a crime,
As he ſuppoſes,
For men to run in winter-time
Into the fun to warm their noſes.
'Tis an egregious want of ſenſe,
A want of taſte and want of fhame,
When univerſal affluence
And luxury are deem'd the fame.
Good Doctor, fpite of your difcerning,
The term of Univerſal will agree,
With
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 167
With your benevolence and learning,
Jufts as it fuits with luxury.
You may perceive, if you be fo inclin❜d,
Like your difcernment, luxury's confin'd.
For, as the gout torments the hands and feet,
To eaſe the nobler ftomach and the head,
So luxury, to gratify the great,
Infults and robs the labourer of his bread.
Luxury in a ſtate is a diſeaſe,
Becauſe 'tis partial and obftructed wealth;
But univerfal affluence and eaſe
Is univerfal happineſs and health.
FABLE
M 4
168 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE II.
The PHENIX and her LOVERS.
HAT every
TH
Female's a Coquette,
I could as fafely fwear upon a book,
As I cou'd fafely bet,
That ev'ry Frenchman is a cook.
A Phenix, daughter of the Sun,
Chafte as a Veſtal, modeſt as a Nun,
Added fuch merit to her birth,
That not a bird, tho' of the higheſt faſhion,
No feather'd Coxcomb of the earth
Ventur'd to declare his paffion.
They all agreed,
No earthly bird was worthy of her love,
None but a bird of the celeftial breed,
An angel from above.
The Phenix liv'd ſo long a maid,
'Till all her gaiety and bloom
Began to fade,
And favour of the tomb.
She
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 169
She mop'd, grew fplenetic, and tir'd
Of fo much awe and ſo much ſtate;
She long'd like other birds to be admir'd,
Like other birds ſhe long'd to find a mate.
At laft fhe iffu'd out a proclamation
To fummon the male birds of every nation;
Perhaps this ſummons, and this longing,
Was a political machine,
Juft like the lovers that came thronging,
Summon'd by our virgin Queen.
Now, from all quarters,
The birds appear'd in their beſt cloaths;
Nobles in ftars and garters,
Curl'd and embroider'd beaux.
Some ſtately, others light and gay,
One coo'd, another fung and flatter'd,
Some like the Magpie and the Jay
For ever chatter'd.
About the inner ring,
Where all the Birds of figure prefs,
A Bat whirl'd round with leathern wing,
To fhew his fhape and his addrefs,
Offering
170 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN,
Offering his heart, his eyes and wings to boot,
At which there roſe a univerſal hoot.
The Phenix anſwer'd in the tone,
And in the ſelf-fame manner languifh'd,
As good Queen Befs, when ſhe was fhewn
A Taylor by her beauty vanquiſh'd;
Take courage, man, ſays ſhe,
For if I needs muſt have a Taylor,
I promiſe without failure
To marry none but thee.
And as the Queen coquetted at an age
When other Queens are tame,
'Till ſhe went off the ftage;
The Phenix did the fame.
She dy'd a great coquette, and what is more,
Rofe from the grave a greater than before.
The Phenix and felf-love are the fame beaft,
Within the human breaſt,
Which Poets feign the fpicy Eaſt,
She builds her folitary neft;
From whence with every gale of wind,
The traveller may ſmell the mind.
Her
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 171
Her Lovers are our paffions; theſe the meets,
Either by appointment or by chance,
Which if ſhe can't indulge, fhe treats
With fmiles and complaifance.
And as the Phenix, from her aſhes rais'd,
Returns as blooming as a bride,
So, when we think it dies, the Lord be prais'd
Self-love fprings up again with double pride.
'Tis a determin'd cafe,
None but ourſelves can occupy our place.
For this fame reafon, phyfical and clear,
Each individual of us all
Is that fame Phenix, without any peer
On this terreſtrial ball.
Lovers are madmen, and a mifer
Not one jot wiſer.
Let any try, except a Lover,
Or one devoted to his pelf,
Whether in all the world they can diſcover
Another Self.
FABLE
172 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE III.
The DUCKLINGS and the WISE BIRDS.
A
HEN one evening, to enjoy the cool,
Was walking with a brood of Ducklings
callow,
Just like a Miſtreſs of a boarding-ſchool,
With Miffes green and yellow.
As fhe was tutoring and ſchooling,
This bird for loitering and that for fooling,
Behold a fiſh-pond fo alluring,
That, ſpite of her remonftrances and cackle,
They ventur'd their whole ſtock without inſuring,
Trufting to their oars and tackle.
The Hen kept fcolding like a drab,
Curfing her rebellious race;
We are not thy children, cry'd a pert young Squab,
If we were chickens, we fhould have more grace;
On nature we depend,
Our courſe ſhe ſteers,
Nature's
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 173
Nature's a fafer guide, and better friend
Than any Dotard's fears.
Cloſe by the pond, an ancient tower
Lifted it's venerable head,
A college and fequefter'd bower,
Where Owls for ages had been bred;
An old profeffor, a great clerk,
Taught them their talents to diſplay,
To keep their eyes wide open in the dark,
And ſhut them in the face of day;
To think abſtractedly, to reafon deep,
And to declaim, 'till all the world's afleep.
The ſtudents from the tower faw our young folks,
Our bold Adventurers under fail;
They heard their clamorous mirth and jokes,
And heard their nurfe's fruitless wail.
Obferve, fays one more learned than the reft,
Theſe birds by inſtinct know the ſeaſon
To fail, to eat, to go to reſt,
Juft as we know by argument and reaſon.
We know from reafon and experience both,
We ſee it every hour;
3
That
174 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
That Governors are loth
To part with power.
Yon Hen, which you all hear,
In ſuch a fright,
Undoubtedly affects that fear,
To keep her Pupils always in her fight.
From the fame principle, for the fame end,
Our Tutor keeps us all thus pen'd;
Preaching that we muſt not pretend to fly,
We are too weak, it is too ſoon :
This I'll demonſtrate is a lye,
As clear as the fun at noon.
Feet, faid the fubtle Owl,
Are not the things
That conftitute the effence of a fowl,
So much as wings.
Whatever is effential to our make
We fooneft learn, and feldomeft miſtake.
Hence that pathetic prayer, that tender call,
By which we get our wants difpatch'd,
Is fo effential above all,
That we all fpeak the moment we are hatch'd.
9
Nature,
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 175
Nature, benevolent and wife,
Opens our mouths much ſooner than our eyes.
By parity of reaſon meet,
Our wings and pinions ſhould be ready
Long time before our heads and feet.
Are firm and ſteady.
Therefore 'twill follow, like a chain,
That as we walk, you must confeſs,
With little giddineſs and pain,
If we attempt it, we muft fly with lefs.
This reaſoning, philofophic wight
Convinc'd his brethren one and all:
With one accord they took their flight,
And fatal and untimely was their fall.
None of them reaſon'd any more,
The young logicians lay like wrecks,
Drown'd in the pond or fcatter'd on the ſhore,
With mangled limbs and broken necks.
Bred in a court, or fome gay city,
The Ducklings are thoſe ſpritely fools,
O Cambridge, is it not a pity?
Strangers to thee and to thy fchools!
FABLE
176 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE IV.
La Nobleffe de France.
The Fighting COCK and the CRAVEN.
A Cock, an officer of foot,
In France retir'd into a village,
Where he did nought but crow and ftrut,
And live by pillage.
Whene'er he had a mind
To take his paſtime with the fair,
He was not to one wife confin'd,
Nor to a pair;
But, like a lord,
Had half a dozen both at bed and board.
He ſpy'd a barn-door fowl one day,
Cram'd from the rump up to the gullet,
In amorous dalliance and play
With a young pullet.
His robes and train, his fenatorial cap,
His fize, almoſt the fize of geeſe,
Shew'd
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 177
Shew'd that he had been nurtur'd in the Lap
Of peace.
Bred for the bench and preſidental chair,
He judg'd, he roofted, and digeſted there.
The military cock took as much pleaſure
As an unlucky page,
To ſee the magistrate employ his leiſure
So much below his dignity and age.
He that ſhould fet a good example!
Be virtuous and diſcreet!
To tread on modeſty and trample
Chaſtity beneath his feet!
Fine times, fays he, when judges run,
Seducing maidens in the open fun!
This wanton fit
Comes of intemperance and over-eating;
Which, as it foon will bring you to the ſpit,
Shall fave your reverence from a beating.
To this reproof,
With a fly fneer the judge reply'd aloof :
'Tis true that I and all my brood,
When we have run the race affign'd,
N
Shall
78 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Shall have the honour to become the food
And comfort of mankind.
An unexpected death
Shall gently ſteal, not force away our breath.
Good Colonel, you are mightily miſtaken,
It is not owing to reſpect, indeed,
That you are neither boil'd, like us, with bacon,
Roaſted, nor fricafféed.
But tho' your fleſh be men's averfion,
Your fleſh contributes much to their diverfion;
They give you barley, bread, and oats,
Becauſe they take great pleaſure and delight
To ſee you fight;
To ſee you cut each other's throats.
If you eſcape, and are not flain in war,
.
You are in a worſe plight by far;
Amongst the hogs,
Wounded and lame, upon a dunghill caft,
By wanton boys and puppy dogs.
Worried or teaz'd to death at laft.
In France the land-tax is not as 'tis here,
A tax where you appeal and fquabble;
There
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
179
There the nobility go free and clear,
Like the raſcality and rabble.
The fame exemption pards and tygers own ;
And the baſe polecat caught in gins :
Their flesh and bone we let alone,
We aſk them nothing but their ſkins.
N 2
FABLE
180 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
1
FABLE V.
The DOG and the CAT.
NTEREST fafcinates both age and youth,
IN
And with a glance of her bewitching eye,
Can make a Miniſter ſpeak truth,
Or make a mighty Monarch tell a lye.
She can fet brothers by the ears,
And, what you'll fcarce believe perhaps,
Make fifters as harmonious as the ſpheres,
And live together without pulling caps.
'Tis fhe gives every one her place,
Oft, like a blundering marſhal at a feaſt,
Joining a fcoundrel to his grace,
An atheiſt to a prieſt.
}
Intereft, well understood,
Made Solomon, makes Melcomb now declare,
That life is only good
To eat and drink, and laugh, and baniſh care.
Cloſe by a kitchen fire, a dog and cat,
Each a famous politician,
Were
·FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN, 181
Were meditating as they fat,
Plans and projects of ambition.
By the fame fire were ſet to warm,
Fragments of their maſter's dinner;
Temptations to alarm,
The frailty of a ſinner.
*
Clear prurient water ftream'd from Pompey's jaws,
And Tabby look'd demure, and lick'd her paws;
And as two Plenipos,
For fear of a ſurpriſe,
When both have fomething to propoſe,
Examine one another's eyes;
Or like two Maids, tho' fmit by different Swains,
In jealous conference o'er a difh of tea,
Pompey and Tabby both, cudgell'd their brains,
Studying each other's phyfiognomy.
Pompey, endow'd with finer fenfe,
Diſcover'd in a caft of Tabby's face,
A ſymptom of concupifcence,
Which made it a clear caſe.
When ftraight applying to the dawning paffion,
Pompey addreſs'd her in this faſhion;
N 3
Both
182 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Both you and I, with vigilance and zeal,
Becoming faithful dogs, and pious cats,
Have guarded day and night this common-weal
From robbery and rats;
All that we get for this, Heaven knows,
Is a few bones and many blows.
Let us no longer fawn and whine,
Since we have talents and are able;
Let us impoſe an equitable fine
Upon our maſter's table;
And to be brief,
Let us each chufe a fingle difh,
I'll be contented with roaft beef,
Take you that turbot-you love fiſh.
Thus every dog and cat agrees,
When they can ſettle their own fees.
Thus two contending chiefs are ſeen,
To agree at laft in every meafure;
One takes the management of the marine,
The other of the nation's treaſure.
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 183
FA BL E VI.
The SPIDER and the FLY.
ITH malice fell,
WITH
A ſpider watch'd within his cell,
Ready to fally,
The unwary traveller to foufe,
Like a Jew broker in the alley,
Or a Dutch merchant in his counting-houfe;
Like them he correfponded far and near,
And tho' his trade was intricate and dark,
He manag'd his affairs and kept all clear,
Without a partner or a clerk.
A petit maître, a gaudy fly,
Thinking to ſcamper unmolefted,
With airy equipage as he pafs'd by,
By cruel Cacus was arreſted.
Furnish'd with that undaunted fenfe,
Which only courts and camps can teach,
Having no weapon or defence,
Except his inftrument of fpeech;
N 4
The
184 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
The fly, with flattering foporific ſtrains,
Tried to benumb the fpider's brains:
Hearing fuch daily praiſe beſtow'd,
Upon your elegance in weaving,
I came to vifit your abode,
Which is magnificent beyond believing.
And now I am convinc'd, if
you
will drop
The linen trade,
And take to weaving velvets and brocade,
The fallad-eaters foon muſt ſhut up ſhop:
Change but your diet, and, like their's, your tafte
Will grow refin'd, correct, and chafte.
As I have ſtudy'd every herb and leaf,
That's either noxious or good to eat,
Make me your caterer in chief,
And pourveyor of all your meat.
Send me this inftant, in a trice,
I'll bring you ſomething favoury and nice,
Seeing the ſpider ſmile and grin,
He found his plot would not fucceed,
It was too thin
For one of that fagacious breed,
}
On
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 185
On which he fell a vapouring and buzzing,
Swearing the drones would take the alarm,
And come to the affiftance of their coufin
With an enormous fwarm.
The drones and I are no fuch ftrangers,
We know, faid Cacus, what we both can do;
They are too wife to run their heads in dangers,
For fuch a buſy meddling fool as you :
But fince you come to ſpoil our manufacture,
To rob and poifon honeſt traders,
I'll hang you like a malefactor,
To terrify invaders.
No fooner faid than done,
He knock'd him down, and hung him in the furi.
The fpider, like Mynheer goes on,
Is watchful, fubtle, and alert,
The fly is either proud like Don,
Or like a Frenchman vain and pert.
When you are plagu'd with any flies,
Spaniſh or French, fmall flies or great,
Maintain your high ſpider allies,
In order to preſerve your meat.`
1 1
}
FABLE
186 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE
VII.
The Wild DUCKS and the Water SPANIEL.
A
FTER a tedious flight,
Of many a ſtormy day and night,
A flock of wild ducks failing up and down,
Upon a lake were making merry ;
Like failors in a fea-port town
Juft arriv'd from Pondicherry.
A ſwan, too ſtately far for fport,
To fhew herſelf was all her view,
Had undertaken to eſcort
The jovial crew.
Swelling and bridling,
With all the airs of a fine dame at court;
Turning about and fidling,
Advancing and then ſtopping ſhort.
Diſplaying in her features
Contempt and infolent dejection,
To fignify that thofe ftrange creatures
Were forc'd upon her for protection.
I muſt
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 187
I muſt confefs, amongſt mankind
I have ſeen ſwans as foolishly inclin’d.
At Paris, on the Seine,
I have ſeen a French marquee conduct a pair
Of German barons to the fair
Of Saint Germaine,
Strutting before them, toffing up his head,
Then looking back, and lowering his creft,
The barons were fo awkward, fo ill bred,
And fo ill dreſs'd.
Have you not ſeen a new-made peer
With equal pride, but greater trepidations,
Obferving in his rear
A troop of country relations
Run up Saint James's-ftreet, and at two leaps
Take Arthur's ſteps?
Thoſe ſteps, as terrible as the Tarpeian,
From whence with one black ball you are hurl'd
Into another world
Amongst the damn'd Plebeian.
Perhaps this grave and folemn fwan
Diflik'd the company of thofe wild-ducks,
Juft
188 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Juft as a prude, or a fober man,
Diflikes the company of bucks.
For whilft they made more noife and riot
Than twenty juſtices of peace,
The fwan was ferious and quiet
As Col'nel Gander marching with his geeſe,
Marching to the field,
1
With gorget and a wooden fhield.
About the middle of the lake,
Upon the banks, a water-ſpaniel lay,
Looking out for duck or drake
Or any lawful prey;
And as the captain of a privateer
Lies by,
Nor offers to bear down, nor gives a cheer
'Till his expected prize begins to fly,
Cloſe to the fhore the ſpaniel let them ſail,
And rufh'd into the lake when they turn'd tail,
Snorting and fnoring;
Purſuing them with all his force,
5
Swearing and roaring,
'Till he was hoarfe;
He
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 189
He turn'd and veer'd,
Now made a ſtretch, and then a tack;
Now ſnapp'd, and now they diſappear'd
And rofe again a long way back;
"Till the poor, ſpiritleſs, exhauſted brute
Was forc'd to give up the purfuit.
And as the French to Toulon ran,
And left the Spaniards in a fcrape,
The moment that the fray began,
The fwan made her eſcape.
Quite out of reach,
A roan duck upon the beach,
Under a fhed,
Confider'd the whole fcene with wonder,
Juſt like Caligula under the bed,
Studying the cauſe of lightning and thunder.
As the victorious crew pafs'd by in order,
He made them an 'oration;
The roan duck being the recorder,
Or burgomafter of the corporation.
Leave your abandon'd lives,
Roving like pirates and Jews,
Come
igo FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Come hither with your children and your wives,
And ſettle peaceably in our mews.
We'll take you without any fuſs,
Here we have neither law nor code,
You are only tied to copy us,
And go by cuſtom and the mode.
You ſhall be faſhionably dreſs'd,
Protected, treated, and carefs'd;
A frifeur, with an inftrument of fteel,
Shall ſhape your wings and your toupee,
Make them fit perfectly genteel,
Eaſy and free.
As to the reft, you may gather from my looks.
Whether the air is good,
And whether we have whole fome food,
Or tolerable cooks.
Peace, wretch, the chieftain of the ducks reply'd,
Nor with thy venal breath offend the brave,
Freedom is as much our pride,
As it is thine to be a flave.
We neither injure nor provoke ;
We neither fear great nor ſmall,
2
Becaufe
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 191
Becauſe we fcorn to yield to any yoke,
We are hated by them all.
From pole to pole purfu'd,
From pole to pole
Our enemies have, every foul,
Been baffled and fubdu'd.
Lords of three elements, we can maintain
Our rights, our freedom, and poffeffions,
With the fame eafe that we difdain,
Thy offers and infidious profeffions.
In our own virtue we confide,
On others how can we rely,
When fear or hope, envy or pride,
May turn a friend into a falfe ally?
Thoſe who depend on others,
Whether on males or females they depend,
Will find the fwan has many brothers,
And fifters without end.
Y
FABLE
192 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
A
FABLE
VIII.
The Advice of an Old SPANIEL.
Certain dog of middling birth,
Frolickfome and full of play:
Even in the height of all his mirth,
Delicate, as well as gay:
With far more feeling for his friend,
Than they could either taſte or comprehend.-
Being thrown into the world betimes,
Betimes diſcover'd it was all a cheat,
Yet not fo dangerous for odious crimes,
As odious for malice and deceit.
Oft when he meant to have amus'd
His friends with a conceit, or harmleſs jeſt,
By many he was fnarl'd at and abus'd,
And flighted even by the beſt.
Oft, when half-ftarv'd he found a bone,
Or fomething hid,
Inſtead of eating it alone,
As others did,
He
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 193
He ran to ſhare his daily bread,
Unfought,
With thoſe that were much better fed
Than taught.
His daily bread they ſeiz'd,
And drove him from their meſs,
More diſappointed and diſpleas'd
With their ingratitude than his diftrefs.
It is a maxim amongst dogs-
When they have the addreſs and ſkill-
To flip their collars and their clogs,
And leave their friends that uſe them ill.
To avoid anxiety and ſtrife,
Tray was refolv'd to try a country life.
A country dog, I think,
Is exactly like a country ſquire,
They both are only fit to fleep and ſtink
By their own fire
;
And when awake are only good
To yelp and hollow in a wood.
Their joys
And converfation are the fame
Ο
$
t.
11.
"
"Tis
194 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
+
'Tis all a clamour and a noiſe,
And all the noife and clamour about game.
Three words compoſe their whole vocabulary—
A fox, a hare, and a fine fcenting-day;
Whether they are ferious or merry,
'Tis all they have to ſay:
In fhort, they never are fo entertaining,
As when they're faſt aſleep, or feigning.
To quit fuch friends as theſe,
One would not grieve:
Tray parted from them with great eaſe,
Without ſo much as taking leave:
Confults his grandfire, by profeffion
A ſpaniel;
For judgment and difcretion
A perfect Daniel.
Benign and mild,
He heard his grandfon's grievances, and fmil'd.
Grandfon, ſaid he, I do conceive
If
you
had known the world, and how things go,
But half as much as you believe,
Or twice as much as I believe you know ;
You
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN, 195
You would not have complain'd,
That dogs behave to one another,
When they are unchain'd,
Like every creature to his brother.
Say, dupe of a rash confidence and truft,
If you
and unguarded,
lie open and
Is it not juſt
That vigilance ſhould be rewarded?
'Twas neither nature's call;
Nor my inftruction,
To trust your friends at all;
Much leſs, to truſt them to your own deſtruction.
A painful and ſevere attention,
Is but a neceffary fence,
To every dog of ſenſe,
Againſt deceit and circumvention,
A taſk from which you hop'd to be reliev'd
By truſting to your friends:
You are deceiv'd,
Acting as much as they for your own ends.
All the world knows,
That friendſhip's a mere found;
O 2
A found
196 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
A found that hardly can impofe
Upon a puppy hound.
Nature is not to blame,
Flatter'd by cunning, indolence invented
That fooliſh name,
By which ſo many fools are circumvented.
Happineſs you'll feldom find,
Unleſs you learn
To have no weighty intereft or concern
With thoſe of your own kind.
Unleſs you learn, (if it is not too late)
That they are neither worth your love nor hate.
盏
​:
J
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 197
FABLE
WIT
To my Lord
IX.
TH parts, tho' little worſe for wearing,
That ſcarce would pay for the repairing,
A man paſt-forty-five,
Furniſh'd with indolence and pride,
A huge tremendous ſpouſe befide,
To fave his foul alive,
Was fitting yawning by the ſea,
Twirling his fnuff-box, juſt like me.
Vanquiſh'd almoft by ftrenuous floth,
He fet himſelf a taſk at length,
A taſk above his worſhip's ftrength,
Above the ſtrength of both.
"To fit with an attentive eye
"To mark and take a ſtrict account,
"And know exactly the amount
"Of all the waves as they pafs'd by."
So putting on, to fuit the cafe,
A calculating placid face,
He kept his reck'ning and difcretion,
O 3
'Till,
198 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
"Till, by miſcounting grown confus'd,
And confequently difamus'd,
He broke the ſeries of progreffion;
Which overflowing, fill'd him quite
Up to the throat with ſpleen and ſpite.
During this vap'riſh fit of grief
A Fox ftepp'd up (my Lord 'tis true,
It was your genius, tho' not you),
A Fox ftepp'd up to his relief.
Begin again, faid he, and mind
;
Why will you poiſon your enjoyment?
Are there not waves enow behind,
Enow for your whole life's employment?
Of all thofe millions that were lent,
Myriads of millions muſt have bounds,
Of all thofe millions you have ſpent,
I ſpeak of moments, not of pounds,
Keep no account, nor heed the fum,
Time paft is * nitchil, my good friend ;
Remember only how you ſpend
The preſent and the time to come.
}
An Exchequer Term, the charge is anſwered by a Cypher,
2
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 199
FABLE X.
RAY tell me, Sir, in what reſpect,
PRA
What harm, fays Pert, in a pert gown,
Do you imagine or expect
From us the fervants of the Crown.
Why none at all, if you were wiſe;
And there perhaps the danger lies.
But let me tell you, faid Sir John,
(It was a roguiſh Whig that ſpoke)
How Æfop once was ſet upon,
And how he flung them with a joke.
A fet of jolly tars one day,
Of Athens the fupporters,
Joking with Eſop in their way,
Juft like a fet of drunken porters;
Come on, cries one, my cunning man,
Unload that pack
Upon your back,
Give us a Fable fpick and fpan.
Then claps him on the back, and hollows,
On which out came the tale that follows:
04
NATURE
200 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
NATURE had fuffer'd a contufion,
Old Ocean from his feat had wander'd,
When Jove, to clear up the confuſion,
And bring things to their proper ftandard,
Cried out, Drink, Earth, with all thy might,
Three drunken bouts will fet all right.
She drank fuch draughts for the firſt time,
The mountains foaking like a toaſt,
Uncover'd to the roots almoft,
Appear'd with heaps of mud and ſlime.
The ſecond bout the trees appear'd;
The third, the vallies were quite clear'd
Had the continued in that cue,
It would have been the worſe for you,
For by and by
She must have drunk the ocean dry,
And if ſhe had, my witty men,
What would you failors have done then?
Now, Sir, by way of application,
Pray look at our low fituation,
Surrounded by a ſea of law;
In
.7
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 205
In imitation of our betters,
We try to keep this fea in awe,
Like Xerxes and the Dutch, with fetters;
That is, with many a bank and fence,
Labour and infinite expence,
We keep in pretty decent bounds
Prerogative or royal pride,
That overflow our neighbours' grounds,
And ſpread deftruction far and wide.
Suppofe, from any caufe you pleafe,
You, who are trufted with the keys,
Who ought to watch againſt abuſes,
Should think it neither harm nor fin,
To open all your gates and fluices,
And let the foaming waters in.
In fuch a caſe, to fay no more,
Reck'ning all thoſe that muſt be drown'd,
And fome perhaps that may be found
Knock'd on the head afhore,
Tell me, ye men of fubtile brain,
How many Lawyers will remain ?
;
FABLE
202 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABL E XI.
A
WOLF purfu'd a Kid one day,
Left by a ſhepherd through miſtake,
That, like a truant at a wake,
Loiter'd behind to ſport and play.
So well Sir Lupus play'd his part,
There was no chance in any ſhape
For her eſcape,
Unleſs ſhe could eſcape by art.
As he prefs'd hard upon her rear,
The cunning jade,
Like a diſtreſs'd and injur'd maid,
Turn'd round, and dropp'd a tear.
Dread Sir, fhe cry'd, I fee my fate,
Sufpend your hunger and your hate,
Oh let me hear that voice fſo ſweet,
Charm me once more before my death,
Your humble maid fhall at your feet
With joy refign her breath.
!
The
FABLES, FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 203
The Wolf fet up a hideous howl;
The moment he began to fing,
He made the woods and vallies ring,
And frighten'd every beaft and fowl.
He ſcarce had rung a dozen peals,
When, following as they were bid,
A hundred Dogs were at his heels,
Which put the Wolf to flight, and fav'd the Kid.
Thus hunted Liberty befought
A reſpite for a certain ſeaſon,
Begging, before he cut her throat,
To hear her learned Butcher reaſon.
The Butcher made ſo great a din,
His eloquence brought down the rabble;
Glad to escape with a whole ſkin,
Freedom left him and them to fquabble.
Bad tenets openly maintain'd
Are not fo bad as good ones feign'd;
Filmer, fo far from doing harm,
Serv'd, like the Wolf, to give th' alarm.
FABLE
204 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE
E XII.
HOUGHTFULLY walking in his park,
THO
His Grace, with eyes fix'd on the ground,
Beheld an object of fmall mark,
Made like a furz-ball, dark and round;
And, like one trod upon, it broke,
Gave a loud crack, and fent forth ſmoke.
His Grace's diamond buckles fullied,
He kick'd the ball with great diſdain;
As if difdaining to be bullied,
The ball look'd twice as big again.
Again he kick'd, kick after kick,
Then took a ſtone, then try'd a ſtick;
The ball went on at fuch a pace,
It was grown bigger than his Grace.
Zounds! faid the Duke, what have we here?
What means this foolish apparition?
Minerva whiſper'd in his ear,
It means the Yorkshiremen's petition.
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 205
FABLE
XIII.
A
N Afs was limping in great pain:
A nail, or elfe a pointed ſtick,
Had pierc'd his foot into the quick;
And all attempts to get it out were vain.
With melancholy face,
Quite in deſpair, he turn'd his back
Upon both Regular and Quack,
And told a Wolf his cafe :
With you, ſaid he, my ſufferings end,
Into your paws my life I put :
Eat me; but firft, Sir, condefcend
To draw the nail out of my foot;
Let me enjoy one moment's eaſe,
Devour me after when you pleaſe.
With teeth as hard as brafs,
The Wolf drew out the nail ;
On which his patient, John the Afs,
Whiſking about his Afs's tail,
Full
206 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN,
Full at the Wolf let fly a ftroke,
That broke his jaws, and would have broke
A helmet or a coat of mail,
That ſpoil'd his inftruments for drawing,
And ftripp'd him of his tools for chawing.
Friend, faid the Afs, you are right ſerved;
Why would
you alter your condition?
'Tis fit a butcher fhould be ftarved,
When he fets up for a phyſician.
A thouſand times it has been told,
'Tis true,
But if the Fable's trite and old,
You'll own the application's new.-
A man of wealth, therefore of weight,
A moſt notorious malefactor,
Approach'd a Minifter of State,
With loaded hands, tho' no contractor;
Five thouſand Hoares, five thouſand banks,
A ring, and twenty thoufand thanks :
Take but this thorn out of my fide,
Prevent my fall;
My boroughs, ever bound and ty'd,
Shall wait your Lordship's call.
My
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 207.
[
My Lord, faid he, nought can defeat us,
If
you will grant me my Quietus.
'Twas done, and bravely done, no doubt,
For now he join'd his powers and ſtrength,
And had the happineſs at length
To help to kick his Lordſhip out.
FABLE
208 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE XIV.
C
ROSSING a river fwift and wide,
A Horfe, with an indignant eye,
Beheld a fooliſh piece of pride,
A piece of Dung come prancing by.
Behold, faid he, that compoft vile,
The filthy ftuff,
That was behind me half a mile,
Is now before me far enough.
* But why ſhould this make a Horſe fick ?
Delighted with malicious jokes,
Fortune plays many a worſe trick,
When the plays fome of her fine ſtrokes.
Did not fhe, fearleſs of reproach,
Beftow on him that rubb'd my heels,
But why ſhould this make a Horſe fick,
This is not any new vagary,
Fortune lays many a worſe trick,
}
Quoties voluit jocari.
For the fake of the Ladies, the Autbar altered it.
My
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 209
My maſter's widow and his coach,
And kitchen-ſtuff to greaſe the wheels?
The lucky dog, faid he, and ſmil'd,
Has got her daughter too with child.
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FABLE
210 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
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A
FABL E XV.
FLOCK of Cranes newly come over,
Buried in wheat up to the throat,
Like oxen rioting in clover,
Were taken at their table d'hôte.
Amongſt the ſet
Thus taken up for vagrant game,
A Stork was found in the fame net,
Pretending to be fick and lame;
With whining voice and face of braſs,
Juſt like a rogue with a falſe paſs,
Seiz'd with a fainting fit,
'Tis but a moment fince I lit;
For filial duty, in all ages,
Our houſe, faid he, was ever noted,
By all philofophers and fages,
By poets male and female quoted:
My name is Stork, the Cranes will own
No way related to their clan;
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I ſhould
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMËN. 211
I ſhould as foon digeſt a ſtone,
As either corn or bran.
Believe not me, truft your own eyes;
Take and examine us by pairs,
Our feathers are of different dyes,
How different mine is from theirs!
Neither your colour nor digeſtion,
The farmer cry'd, is now the queſtion;
That you were taken in this place,
And in their company, is plain;
But, for the honour of your race,
You ſhall be puniſh'd as a Crane.
Juft fo, one of the facred bench
Was caught in criminal converſation,
Not with a juicy tempting wench,
That's an excufable temptation.
Caught in the fact, for ſo the ſtory is,
Of prostitution amongſt Tories.
What do you think was his defence?
The metropolitan of
Exclaim'd, appeal'd to common fenfe,
Argu'd exactly like the ftork:-
P 2
Examine
212 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Examine their's and my Pen feather,
Birds of fo different a plume,
You will confeſs, I do prefume,
Can never copulate together.
But in Crim Con having been taken,
This could not fave his holy bacon.
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FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 213
A
FABLE
GNAT upon an Ox's horn,
XVI.
Clapping his wings, fang forth his praiſe,
Greater than the Unicorn :
Hail, greateſt beaſt of all that graze!
Accept, great brute, my willing ftrain;
And, if my weight give you no pain,
Which I much fear,
Allow me to remain
To charm your bovine ear:
Great and mighty Chieftain, fay,
Whether fhall I go or ſtay ?
The Ox reply'd,
Where infignificance prevails,
You always meet with empty pride;
Depend upon't it never fails:
To me, vain infect, 'tis the fame,
You may give over or go on;
I neither felt you when you came,
Nor shall I miss you when you're gone.
P 3
Said
214 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Said Maupertuis, Pray, read this Fable,
And I'll explain it to the table.
Obferve Voltaire, that chirps and fings
Near Pruffia's King from night to morn ;
He is the Gnat that claps his wings,
And fings upon the Ox's horn.
Voltaire replied, The Gnat fuits me;
But why an Ox? there I am dull :
As for the Qx, faid Maupertuis,
I wiſh the Ox had been a Bull *.
1
4
* If there is any meaning in theſe four laft lines of the author, of
which I hold him guiltlefs, to uſe the words of Jean Jaques, " ce n'eſt
que pour ceux, qui ont (le Tact) l'odorat fin," he ſhould have
66
faid.
SMELLFUNGUS,
/
11,
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 215
FABL E XVII.
ONCE
NCE on a time, a man of faſhion,
Æfop has told it you before,
In love, and blinded by his paffion,
At Athens wed a common Whore.
The Whore, tranfported with devotion,
Leaving her lovers in the lurch,
And alſo proud of her promotion,
Attended daily the Greek church.
Venus, to whom ſhe made her prayers,
Rated her foundly in her fleep:
You ftrumpet, give yourſelf no airs;
Your prayers, faid fhe, and incenfe keep :
Not for your fake, nor for your vows,
I gave your ladyfhip your ſpouſe,
Nor, like dame Fortune, for a whim ;
It was becauſe in twenty places
He had affronted all the Graces;
In ſhort, becauſe I hated him.
P 4
My
216 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
My Lord has made a vile buffoon
His bofom friend, the Graces cry'd;
Good gracious Venus, grant our boon,
Give him a harlot for his bride.
Tho' chafte, the Graces are fo gay,
Venus herſelf is fo delighted,
So taken with their winning way,
She hates all thofe by whom they're flighted.
1 {
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 217
A
FABL E E XVIII.
N Eagle pick'd up a young Lamb,
Carelessly fporting by her Dam,
Too feeble to protect and guard her ;
Aloft you might have ſeen her ſwing,
Juſt like a Lamb on a hook ring,
Swinging ſuſpended in a larder.
The bird kept mounting to the ſky,
'Till, like a paper kite,
Leffen'd each inſtant to the eye,
He vaniſh'd out of fight.
A Jack-daw on a ſteeple top,
Firſt taking a delib'rate hop,
Refolv'd to try what he could do ;
Refolv'd the Eagle to excel,
Down, like a bird of prey, he fell,
To feize, and carry off, the Ewe:
His feet entangled in the wool,
Neither Jack's wings nor paper fkull
Could
218 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Could reſcue him from his miſhap :
A Shepherd, fummon'd by John's noiſe,
Took him, and, to divert his boys,
Trimm'd him, and gave him a fool's cap.
Now, Jack, faid he, now, if you will,
Fancy yourſelf an Eagle ftill.-
So have I feen, you know the place,
A Coxcomb, with a Jack-daw's wit,
Rife, with a pert unmeaning face,
To emulate the Eagle PITT;
As fit to ſpeak or to reply
As fop's Tortoife was to fly;
Struggle and ftrain to be diſtinguiſh'd,
Floundering and ſtammering evermore,
Then drop eternally extinguiſh'd
In one contemptuous farewell roar.
'Tis pertnefs makes Jack hop and chatter,
Pertneſs makes all weak people weaker;
Nothing but courage, ftrength, and matter
Can make a thunder-bearing fpeaker.
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FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 219
SUCK
FABLE E XIX.
CKING his paws for his diverfion,
A Bear, a huge mif-fhapen mafs,
Beheld a Fox, with great averfion,
Picking the bones of a dead Aſs.
I never touch the dead, faid Bruin,
Nor break their facred reft, like you,
To whom deftruction and dire ruin,
For fuch a wicked act, is due.
With a fly grin the Fox reply'd,
My learned friend, we differ wide;
Pray heaven, that you and all your kin
Would take a fancy to fuch fare!
To eat the dead, is no great fin,
It is the living you ſhould ſpare,
Your piety I underſtand;"
11
You, Sir, and all your brethren chufe
To fit yourſelves with thoſe at hand,
Rather than wait for dead folks fhoes.
1
Happy
220 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Happy are they that have no dealings
With Bears of nice and tender feelings!
Says Crito the benign :
Crito would fooner lofe his head
Than vent his fpleen
By fpeaking evil of the dead.
Crito, you talk and look profoundly,
But pr'ythee, with that heart of ſteel,
Revile the dead, and maul them foundly;
Flea none but thofe that cannot feel.
Your cruel paftime, Junius, ceaſe:
Had you been juft to honour and to fame,
Had you let Virtue fleep in peace,
And laſh'd thoſe only that are dead to ſhames
I ſhould have cry'd, why let him flaſh,
I like both Junius and his plan;
None but a knave need fear his lafh,
For Brutus is an honourable man.
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FABLE
BLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 221
FABLE
XX.
A
SERPENT fly,
With thoughtful head and watchful eye,
Had got out of a thouſand ſcrapes,
Either by wriggling or back-fliding,
By circumvention or by gliding;
In ſhort, in many ſhapes.
Without the leaft pretence
To confequence or common fenfe,
With volubility indeed,
The Tail, affecting to be great,
Envy'd the Head her judgment-ſeat,
And try'd to take the lead.
Some members openly diffented;
Some were won over, fome afraid;
The major part at laſt conſented,
The Head was ſhamefully betray'd.
Without an eye, a noſe, an ear,
Without the femblance of a brain,
Without
222 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Without a grain of wit or fear,
Madame la Queue began her reign,
And thus equipp'd began her ramble,
Tearing and ſcratching the poor Snake;
But tho' fhe paſs'd through thorn or bramble,
She wheel'd at every ſtone or ſtake;
*Twas that by which fhe was preferved,
By flexibility alone;
Thoſe tails have always been obſerved
Moft flexible that have leaſt bone :
They yield to any flight impreffion;
Whereas an obftinate ftiff rump
Maintains her ground, and keeps poffeffion,
And moves for neither fhove nor thump.
The Head, that had not ſlept a wink,
Catch'd her at laft faft in a chink;
With fanguine eyes and pallid hue,
La Tête advanc'd ſteady and clear,
Came round, and difengaged La Queue,
And made her fall into the rear.—
When they are firft that ſhould be laft,
It ſhall be now as in times paſt,
When
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 223
When they that were ordain'd to trail,
Prefume to take the lead and guide,
They must return and be the tail,
Or be cut off and laid afide.
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FABLE
224 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
A
FABL E XXI.
FOX contriv'd, tho' lock'd and barr’d-
Contrivance was the Fox's trade-
To ſteal into a Farmer's yard,
A la fourdine, by eſcalade;
With appetites wicked and looſe,
Improv'd by travelling and art,
He fuck'd the blood out of a Gooſe,
Raviſh'd a Hen, and broke her heart.
To put an end to theſe lewd courfes,
Before the caitiff was aware,
Surrounding him with all his forces,
The Farmer caught him in a ſnare,
He ſtudy'd till he crack'd his brains,
The writers of thoſe times relate,
To find out penalties and pains,
To fuit his cruelty and hate;
Revenge will help you at a pinch,
E'en when your parts begin to fail :
To make Volpone die inch by inch,
He ty'd a fire-brand to his tail.
9
The
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 225
The Fox ran ftraight to Hodge's corn,
And caus'd as great a conflagration,
As when Wilkes came and blew his horn,
That, like the laft trump, rous'd the nation:
Turn'd out of doors, with an intention.
To get him bafted well, and roafted;
What did they get by their invention ?
With much ado they got him toaſted.
With Bills of Rights to his tail ty'd,
With red-hot Humphry too he came,
And more combuftibles befide,
That fet all Brentford in a flame.
The ruin ſpread, and made fuch haſte,
For all the engines they employ'd,
The neighbouring towns were foon laid waſte,
And Middleſex was quite deftroy'd:
The flames reach'd London: but anon
The wind chop'd round, or London too had gone.
Both thefe examples are compleat;
I wish fome folks would learn from hence
To know that no revenge is fweet,
Without a little common fenſe.
Q
FABLE
226 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE
XXII.
The Petitioners for a Diffolution of the PEAR-
TREE.
A
PEAR-TREE fell into difgrace,
Exhaufting all its ſtrength in leaves,
An idle occupant of ſpace,
A fhelter, and a den for thieves,
For birds, perpetually merry,
As long as there was plumb or cherry.
The Orchard, in an ill condition,
Complain'd to Colin they were plunder'd;
To their long grumbling petition,
He only fhook his head and wonder'd;
But took at laſt a refolution,
To cut the ufelefs Pear-tree down,
This was a right of diffolution,
Inherent clearly in the Clown.
Colin in fhort the ax apply'd,
And made a rupture in the Tree;
1
When
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 227
When lo! there iffued from its fide,
In ftreams, the labours of the Bee.
As HENRY the Eighth replied,
Sweetheart-Good Katharine, he cried,
go, faid he, at a fine rate;
You
I vow, you're in a pleaſant vein:
Continue in this humour, Kate,
The birds and you ſhall both remain.
How could they ever fing ſo ſweet,
If our poor birds had nought to eat?
Remain, faid he; our humours fuit,
Your honey overpays their fruit.
1
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FABLE
Q2
228 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE
XXIII.
A
TEAM of Oxen, fat and fair,
Refign'd to every Bumkin's goad;
With little feeling and leſs care,
Were marching with a heavy load;
During the march, the Wheels alone
Cry'd out, and made a grievous moan.
Pleas'd with the hint, Cæfar turn'd round,
My Lord, faid he, this is good ground;
Faction makes all that noife and rumbling:
The People, that bear all the weight,
That drag the Waggon of the State,
March, like the Oxen, without grumbling.
Faction applies not to the wheels,
That go fo heavily and lag on,
Replied the keeper of the feals,
Faction does not retard the waggon :
The reaſon then they go ſo ill,
Is want of greafe, not want of will,
The
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 229
The K-s friends must be duly paid,
The wheels of government want greafing,
Buſineſs of courſe muſt be delay'd,
And cauſe the noiſe that's ſo diſpleaſing.
Q3
FABLE
230 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE XXIV.
A
FRAGRANT Rofe, in vernal bloom,
Cloſe by a penſive Myrtle grew ;
A melancholy jealous gloom
Darken'd the Myrtle's native hue.
O happy Rofe ! Myrtilla cry'd,
Thy ſweets unrival'd yet by art,
Faireft of flowers, fhe faid, and figh'd,
Thy bluſhes warm and win the heart!
Whilft all confpire to fan thy pride,
To me, like a neglected maid,
Attending joyleſs on a bride,
Nought but cold compliments are paid.
The Roſe reply'd—Myrtilla, ceaſe;
Why will you envy me my day?
Why will you interrupt your peace?
You may pleaſe long, if you'll be gay.
The Rofe's dower is fhort-liv'd praiſe,
Unfading vigour your's, and length of days.
Chloe,
1
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 231
Chloe, love Admiration lefs,
Love folid Truth and Virtue more;
Then you will do what I profeſs
No woman ever did before.
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Q &
232 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
A
FABLE XXV.
HUNGRY Crow, lean as a ſtick,
Beating about his hunting-ground,
To find, amongſt the dead or quick,
A dinner, if it could be found,
Perceiv'd a Serpent lying baſking-
This is a glorious Worm, indeed!
One may dine here; there is no need,
Said he, to wait for aſking.
On which Don Corvo cock'd his tail,
And ſtrutted in the gutter;
Refolv'd to fall to, tooth and nail,
When he had carv'd and cut her.
Inſtead of making a good dinner,
Or making a good hit,
Corvo, like many a fooliſh finner,
Found himſelf miferably bit.
Too late he found out his miſtake;
Paffion minds nothing but the form,
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Paffion
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 233
Paffion will feize upon a Snake,
And take it for a harmleſs Worm.
This Fable in his hand, a Mifer
Said to his fon, 'Tis hard to tell
How many people would be wiſer,
If they apply'd this Fable well :
You might have fav'd, ſaid he, dear Will,
Many a good pound and many a pill.
The Son reply'd, How folks are blind!
It means an avaritious mind,
With hunger, toils, and danger ftruggling,
'Till, bit for want of taking heed,
Some cunning Serpent makes him bleed,
As you were made to bleed for ſmuggling.
FABLE
234 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN,
FABLE XXVI.
A
FOX-with Death before his eyes,
And at his back
The Furies, with their whips and cries,
Encouraging the helliſh pack-
Stood on a precipice's brink,
Having but little time to think:
Of Friends of every kind,
And all refources, now bereft,
Prefence of mind
Was all the Fox had left.
Upon the rock he ſpy'd a ledge,
And on the ledge, either a buſh
With thorns and brambles, or a hedge,
Where he propos'd to make a puſh;
He thought, if he could drop down plum,
At worst he could but loſe his bruſh,
And ſcarify his bum.
5
Accordingly,
1
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 235
Accordingly, he had the luck
To drop into the midſt of all;
Where for fome time he hung and ſtuck,
And, hanging, broke his fall:
But found his calculation fail,
Entirely wrong from head to tail.
The Fox was fafe whilſt he held faſt,
But was fo mangled, rent, and torn,
By Bramble and tenacious Thorn,
He left his hold at laft
Got to his journey's end, he cry'd,
With broken leg and bloody hide,
This is the way it always ends,
And fo it fhould, and ever will,
}
When one lays hold of Rogues for Friends,
Truſting their honefty and ſkill.
If
If
you had fallen quite from the top,
The Brambles anfwer'd one and all,
you had never made a ftop,
And never given us a call,
$
Crush'd
236 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Cruſh'd all to pieces like an egg,
You would not have got off fo well,
Nor had fo good a tale to tell
About a broken leg.
To keep out of Oppreffion's paw,
Oblig'd to Weſtminſter to ramble,
You lay faſt hold upon the Law,
And hang on Lawyer Thorn and Serjeant Bramble,
When you have hung on Thorns and Briers,
I mean theſe keen blood-drawing Lawyers,
And hung as long as you well could,
Think not to ſcape at any rate,
'Till you have left them half your blood,
And loft a limb of your eſtate ;
On this, and only this condition,
The Law may fave you from perdition.
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 237
H
FABLE XXVII.
ECTOR, a faithful Spaniel, ſpy'd
His nephew, by a river fide,
A youth entirely free from guile,
Running, but never taking heed,
As if he took it for the Tweed,
And had forgot it was the Nile.
On which, with eager pace,
Hector fet out, and gave him chace.
Prince turn'd, and aſk'd, Why all this hurry?
Fearleſs and calm when others fear,
But when there is no danger near,
My uncle's always in a flurry.
Mind, Prince, cry'd Hector, what I ſay,
You little know what traps and fnares
You may fall into unawares,
If you run headlong in this way.
Old folks, faid Prince, are too fufpicious,
They fancy all our youthful hours.
Are
238 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Are ſpent in riot and amours,
When they were young, they were fo vicious:
But you must know I am no fuitor ;
So far from gallantry and courting,
Or running after idle fporting,
Know, I am running to my tutor,
Whofe wife and learned converſation,
Let that ſuffice for your conjecture,
I do prefer, good uncle Hector,
To all the Doxies in the nation.
That inftant, from his oozy bed
A Crocodile put forth his fnout,
A fludge-wrapp'd Bonnet hid his head,
Entirely like a dirty clout.
From that unhappy day, faid Prince,
The fatal news came by a Hound,
You know, both then and ever fince,
We
gave my mother up for drown'd.
But my good friend there in the mud
Has told me how that matter ſtood,
Which either my good friend or I,
Will tell you, uncle, by and by.
The
1
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN, 239
The Cubs, my brothers, have the meaſles,
My fifters look as thin as Weazles ;
Our Æfculapius Doctor Curr
Declares, as fure as they're alive,
'Twould kill them, but to wet their furr;
Then how the devil fhould they dive?
So I am going to fulfill,
To which you can have no objection,
My bleffed mother's bleffed will,
And ſtudy under her inſpection.
I was to bring her the whole Litter;
But let them ſtay till they are fitter.
Said Crocodile, then let them wait,
'Till they have leave from their phyſician,
They must not ftir at any rate,
Unless they have Doctor Curr's permiffion;
But if you go, faid he to Hector,
The news will not fo much affect her.
Now to your mother's praiſe and glory,
I'll tell your uncle here her ftory.
Struck with the beauty of that Dame,
As on a bank fhe lay'd afleep;
Our
1
240 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Our God, the god Anubis, came,
And hurry'd her into the deep.
Tho' fhe was married to a god,
And the fole partner of his bed;
Her cubs, which was exceeding odd,
Were always running in her head.
Anubis, willing to affist her,
In order to remove her grief,
Made a propofal to your fifter,
That gave immediate relief-
To keep them near her for the future,
And to appoint me for their tutor.
Dido, faid he, truft to my friend
(Our Crocodile let fall a tear),
To Pharoah, here, I recommend,
Your houfe, and all that you hold dear;
Believe me, he will fpare no pains,
To cultivate their tender brains.
One of your fons Pharoah will find,
Cloſe by the Nile, and by and by,
Pharoah will bring you your young frie,
And you'll be eaſy in your mind.
ľ
1
2
And
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 241
And now, ſaid Pharoah, here I am,
You need not ſtand to haw and hum,
I'll foon convey you to your dam,
And Hector too, if he will come.
Befides the vifit to your mother,
'Tis highly worth your uncle's while
To fee the fountain of the Nile,
He never will fee fuch another.
If I had never ſeen your charms,
Your Bonnet nor your Snout at all,
I knew you by your coat of arms,
It hangs, faid Hector, in our hall.
I am engag'd, to my great forrow:
As to my nephew, here, faid he,
He must go back to-day with me,
He may return to you to-morrow.
Pharoah, perceiving 'twas in vain
To deal with Hector in that ſtrain,
Came forth, to Prince's great furprize,
Shewing his horrid coat of mail,
His dreadful jaws and wicked tail,
Exhibited without diſguiſe.
R
Wheel
242 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
7
Wheel to the left, cry'd Hector, quick;
With Crocodiles when you are dealing,
Keep them continually wheeling,
You will foon make the monſters fick.
Thus forc'd to quit the field in choler,
Pharoah return'd, and loft his fcholar,
Beſet with fraud on ev'ry fide,
With Crocodiles in ev'ry ftreet,
'Tis dangerous, without a guide
For youth to advance or to retreat ;
In Weſtminſter, how oft, at play,
Unguarded boys are ſnatch'd away
?
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bil old
{
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 243:
A
FABLE XXVIII.
The RESIGNATION.
CERTAIN houfe fwarm'd with huge Rats,
Traps, poifon fail'd, baits they touch'd none;
An able chief amongſt the Cats,
Pick'd them up flily one by one.
All Libertines that ftay'd out late,
All Vagabonds fhar'd the fame fate.
This rouz'd the Hanoverian breed,
It grew to be a ſerious cafe;
If he was fuffer'd to proceed,
He would extinguish the whole race.
A vote enfu'd, an order pafs'd,
A proclamation for a faft.
Purſuant to their refolution,
They watch'd and pray'd, entrench'd like moles,
The Cat, by feline inftitution,
Studied to draw them from their holes,
He knew 'twas folly to pretend
To act the patriot, or the friend.
R 2
What
244 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
What people wifh they foon believe,
The Cat fell fick and took his bed;
He form'd his project to deceive,
By lying down and ſeeming dead;
He ſhut his eyes, his breath held in,
Stretch'd out and ſtraight,
He lay in ftate,
Juſt like a cat, worth nothing but his ſkin.
He cannot long continue fo,
Says an old fage, ftir not from hence;
This dying comes too à propos,
To be aught elfe than a pretence.
The wiſer fort maintain'd their ground;
Grimalkin, baffled for this bout,
Roſe from the dead, and with a bound
Rais'd the blockade, and let them out.
Some younkers only, not worth keeping,
That fally'd forth, paid for their peeping,
Even thus, according to report,
Edward's Grimalkin left his poft;
Or, in the language of the court,
Thus Gavefton gave up the ghoſt.
1
And
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 245
And tho' the fubtle Gafcoon lord,
Affur'd the barons he was dead;
The barons would not take his word,
Till they had taken off his head.
The court declar'd him dead in law,
And ſome weak folks bit at the ſhow
But found that his contracted paw,
Retir'd to ftrike the furer blow.-
Cats feldom die a natural death,
As feldom Favourites refign
Naturally, without defign,
'Till they refign their forfeit breath.
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FABLE
246 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE
XXIX.
The DOCTOR and STUDENT.
A
LOBSTER, by a ſtrange miſtake,
Scrap'd an acquaintance with a fnake;
To learn his fupplenefs and arts,
He boarded at the ferpent's houfe;
Lobſters have not the quickeſt parts,
Armed cap-a-pie without much v×5.
The Doctor not the leaſt afraid,
nouſe.
Altho' he knew Lob was audacious;
Long'd much to try what could be made
Out of a head-picce fo teftaceous.
All that a foldier can poffefs,
He oft repeated with a ſmile;
With ftrength and courage, is addreſs,
In other words, a little guile ;-
As yet you are but raw, I ſee,
Tho' far beyond your A B C.
{
The
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 247
The beſt advice that I can give,
A fentiment for Kings to drink;
Let every one not only live
According to his rank, but think.
You have a comprehenfive mind,
Lobſters ought not to think like oyſters ;
They were not made to be confin'd,
And ſpend their days like them in cloyſters;
To ftand when they fhould ftir and buſtle,
Gaping and ſtudying like a muſcle.
Cadmus preferr'd, in all his lectures,
Facts and experience to conjectures;
Lobſters, by an inftinctive force,
Act ſelfiſhly without defign;
Their feelings commonly are coarfe,
Their honour always fuperfine.
Unfeeling, refolute, and cool,
But tutor❜d in the ferpent lore,
Lob grew, by taking pains at ſchool,
Ten times more felfish than before;
Serpentine doubts and conſcious fear,
Were hourly whiſpering in his ear,
R 4
"That
248 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
"That friend of your's, fo dark and ſly,
"Will facrifice you in the end;
"Bravely exert yourſelf, and try
"To be before-hand with your friend."
'Twas what he often try'd, but found,
Inſtead of gaining, he loft ground;
Perhaps his brain was too much ſtrain'd,
Too weak to hold all it contain'd;
So through fome little crack or chink,
His plots were ſmelt, and foon detected;
Like fnuffers cramm'd, that by their ftink
Betray the fnuffs they have collected.
But time and fortitude, at laſt,
Paid him for all his patience paft;
One day he enter'd, without rapping,
And caught the wary Cadmus napping;
Lob fcarce could credit what he faw:
Finding him coiled, and faſt aſleep,
Fatigued with meditations deep,
He choaked his maſter with his claw.---
Now ponder well, and be fevere,
Look fharp for fome finart application;
BAH
'Twill
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 249
"Twill fit both Commoner and Peer,
If
you have
have any provocation;
Whether a Courtier, Stateſman, or a Cit,
Throughout you'll find ſome famous Biter bit.
}
*
FABLE
}
250 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FA BL E XXX.
THE NIGHTINGALE.
NIGHTINGALE, in her retreat,
A Exerted all her native powers;
Compos'd and fung plaintively ſweet,
To charm the filent hours.
A hungry Hawk in ambuſh lay,
And feiz'd the hapless fongfter for his prey;
The warbling victim try'd in vain
To melt a cruel Tyrant's heart;
Proof againſt every moving ſtrain
Of nature, or of art.
Charmer, faid he, I wait too long,
Hawks require food, more folid than a fong:
Then with a villain's fmile he ftruck
The lovelieft tenant of the wood ;
In her poor heart his Beak he ftuck,
Rioting in her vital blood :
Liſten, ye fair ones, to my lay,
Your ways with trembling caution mark!
How
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 251
How many virgins fall a prey,
To fome baſe murderer in the dark.
Your youth, your tears, your fpotlefs fame,
Add to the brutal fire freſh fuel;
Deaf to compaffion, dead to ſhame,
Selfiſhneſs is always cruel.
Ye candid fouls, whofe pulfes beat
With no diftemper'd ſelfiſh heat;
View here again a wretch opprefs'd,
And heaven and earth in vain implored;
Robbed of his property and reft,
Devoured by a rapacious Lord.-
When Avarice and Power unblushing meet,
Woe to the humble Neighbour of the Great.
1
FABLE
A
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252 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABL E XXXI.
THE BLACK-BIRD.
N concert with the curfew bell,
IN
An Owl was chaunting Vefpers in his cell ;
Upon the outſide of the wall,
A Black-bird, famous in that age,
From a bow-window in the hall,
Hung dangling in a wicker cage.
Inftead of pfalmody and pray'rs,
Like thoſe good children of St. Francis,
He feculariz'd all his airs,
And took delight in wanton fancies.
Whilft the bell toll'd, and the Owl chaunted,
Every thing was calm and ſtill;
All nature ſeem'd rapt and enchanted,
Except the querulous, unthankful rill.
Unaw'd by this impofing scene,
Our Black-bird the enchantment broke;
Flouriſh'd a ſprightly air between,
And whiſtled the Black Joke.
5
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I
This
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 253
This lively, unexpected motion,
Set nature in a gayer light;
Quite over-turn'd the Monks' devotion,
And ſcatter'd all the gloom of night.
I have been taught in early youth,
By an expert Metaphyfician,
That ridicule's the teft of truth,
And only match for fuperftition.
Impofing rogues, with looks demure,
At Rome keep all the world in awe;
Wit is profane, learning impure,
And reaſoning againſt the Law.
Between two tapers and a book,
Upon a dreffer clean and neat,
Behold a facerdotal Cook,
Cooking a difh of heavenly meat!
How fine he curtfies! Make your bow,
Thump your breaft foundly, beat your poll;
Lo! he has tofs'd up a Ragout,
To fill the belly of your foul.
Even here there are fome holy men,
Would fain lead people by the nofe;
}
Did
254 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN, I
Did not a Black-bird, now and then,
Benevolently interpofe.
My good Lord Biſhop, Mr. Dean,
You fhall get nothing by your ſpite;
Triftram fhall whiſtle at your fpleen,
And put Hypocrify to fight.
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FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 255
FABL E XXXII.
POUR
W!
ITH
MOI MEM E.
Na Joyner's Shop, upon a Stool,
With countenance ferene and grave,
A Cat examin'd every tool,
As nicely as Rouffeau's Eléve.
A File, that understood its trade,
Provoked her Ladyſhip paſt bearing;
Obferving the great waſte it made,
By clipping artfully and paring.
I'll ſerve you your own way, you knave,
For that, fays Pufs, let me alone;
I'll lick you with my tongue, you flave,
'Till I have lick'd you to the bone.
She lick'd 'till her whole tongue was flea'd,
And laugh'd to fee the villain. bleed;
With blood he was all over rcd:
Determining the File to kill,
The Cat lick'd on, belicving ftill
It was the File and not her tongue that bled.
7
T
My
256 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
My Gard❜ner, my Coachman John,
My Groom, my Butler, the whole corps,
Are objects to vent ſpleen upon,
Whene'er the bileous pot boils o'er;
But I'll grow better when I'm able,
To fume and fret is not worth while;
I am the Cat that bleeds in Fable,
My Family—the unfeeling File.
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FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
257
FABLE
XXXIII.
THE TORTOISE.
REATURES made chiefly for defence,
CRE
Are feldom overſtock'd with fenfe.
A Tortoife once, a military Beau,
Hardy, to give the beaſt his due,
Walk'd to and fro, folemnly flow,
Like Pruffians at a Review.
Completely arm'd from head to tail,
Proof againſt either cut or ſtab
As full of blubber as a Whale,
ذا
With brains no better than a Crab.
Suppofe Ambition was inclin'd,
To captivate his torpid mind;
What could fhe do with ſuch a maſs?
All that ſhe could propofe at moſt,
Would be to lead him to fome paſs,
And leave him ſtanding like a poſt.
But if Conceit, inftead of her,
Should make a puncture in his breaft;
S
Conceit
258 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Conceit can make a Tortoiſe ſtir,
And labour to outdo the best.
And thus accordingly, one day,
Bufy and rolling in his way,
Upon his axis, like a Porpoife;
I mean contemplating himself;
Conceit came like a fairy elf,
And took poffeffion of my Tortoife.
Under a rock the formal fop,
With reconnoitring air and ſtate,
Obferv'd an aery near the top,
And faw an Eagle at the gate.
Eagle, the Coxcomb cries, defcend,
I hate both Grotto and Alcove ;
Be it my glory to attend,
And emulate the bird of Jove.
I feel all feathery and light,
Flufh'd with warm vigour from freſh ſprings ;.
Defcend, and mount me out of fight,
Confign me then to my own wings.
The Eagle lighted on the plain,
Arguments of all fhapes he try'd;
9
Not
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 259
Not one would fit, 'twas all in vain,
Some were too ftrait, and fome too wide.
Hard by, upon a thiſtly bed,
An aged Afs repos'd, half dead;
'Tis nought but Hypochondriac pride,
The fumes that lazineſs has bred;
Before you try to fly, he cry'd,
Hop over that old Afs's head.—
The fool, like all in that condition,
Always flew out at oppofition.
Alas! what pains poor Envy takes,
The flimfy cap that ſhe puts on,
Is too tranfparent, fays the Don,
To hide her execrable ſnakes.-
Stung to the foul with this reproach,
The Eagle bade the fot approach;
And, mounting him as high as he could foar,
Now ply your wings, faid he, 'tis time,
Whether you nobly chuſe to climb,
To fall like lightning, or to ſweep the ſhore.
He ſpoke, down dropp'd the Tortoiſe plum,
With an exploſion like a bomb;
S 2
One
260 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
One craſh confounding back and belly;
His armour, once as hard as braſs,
Lay like a heap of broken glaſs,
Lying upon a heap of jelly.-
Such I have met with in my walk,
Tortoifes of diftinguiſh'd air,
Creeping about to ask a talk,
At Bloomſbury, or Groſvenor Square.
They all are perfons of great ſkill,
They know what's fitteft to be done;
Landmen, or Seamen, as they will,
And Stateſmen every Mother's Son;
They can compofe, with their own hands,
All civil broils, all foreign jars;
Not one of them but underſtands
The difciplines of Wars.
Let but the Royal Eagle take him,
Take any one, and mount him high;
No arguments on earth can ſhake him,
They all believe that they can fly.
But if he drops him, down he goes,
And makes a pudding for the Crows.
3
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 261
FABLE XXXIV.
Æ
THE COOK.
SOP is always a new Book,
Æſop in a judicious hand;
But 'tis in vain on it to look,
Without the Grace to underſtand.
3
Pleaſant his Fables are indeed,
Profound, ingenious, and fly:
Fables that infancy may read,
Maturity alone apply.
A Cook was bufy with his Battery,
Two Sycophants, two Knaves, I mean,
Sat by, and play'd with red-hot Flattery,
Againſt the Battery Cuifine.
Both Engineers by profeffion,
Their Flattery was fo well planted,
They foon diſmounted his diſcretion,
Which was the only point they wanted;
For having built a famous
pye,
Larded his fowls, barded his larks;
S3
44
As
262 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
As he had other Fiſh to fry,
He left the field to my two Sparks;
And, whilft he flaſh'd and carbonaded,
Stew'd, and haſh'd, and gaſconaded,
A Fiſh of a fuperb appearance
Vanish'd from the Kitchen Table;
Which mifs'd, the Cook, and his adherents,
Made a confufion worfe than Babel;
One of thofe Fifh, mifcall'd by fome,
In which St. Peter ufed to deal ;
Stamp'd for himſelf, with his own thumb,
The ancient Pifcatory Seal.
Therefore let Peter have the Glory,
Let us to him afcribe the Dorys;
Call it not John but Peter Dory,
Given fub Sigillo Pifcatoris.
Advancing to the chopping-block,
Peace, cry'd the Cook, your clamours ceaſe;
Then with his cleaver gave a knock,
And all the Kitchen was at peace.
Says he, 'twas you, Sir, or your Brother,
No Cat comes here, I'll take my oath;
Therefore
1
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 263
Therefore it muſt be one or t'other-
He quite forgot, it might be both.
I have it not, the Thief reply'd;
I ftole it not, cry'd the Receiver;
Both ſwore, proteſted, and deny'd,
And fo the Cook laid down his cleaver.
The caſe ſeem'd ſo perplex'd and odd,
And the Cook's thoughts were fo divided,
All three referr'd the cafe to God,
And there it refts till he decide it..
Now from this Fable it appears,
Or from this Fable I furmife,
Some folks give credit to their Ears,
When they ſhould fcarce believe their Eyes.
This foolish Cook puts me in mind
Of the moft dupeable of Nations;
Bufy and active, but refign'd
To flattery on all occafions:-
And fo, becauſe my Moral's ftale,
I'll cloſe my Fable with a Tale.
3
1
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A FABLE;
264 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN,
F
A FABLE; or, a TALE,
How
many years it was ago,
To afcertain I don't engage;
Nor in what reign; I only know,
It happen'd in the Golden Age.
Upon the Record thus it ftands :-
Two worthy Miniſters combin'd
To play into each other's hands,
To cheat and puzzle all mankind.
The filly people were cajol'd,
And all their Tricks went glibly down,
At length one of them grew fo bold,
He lay'd his hands upon the Crown;
And with more Bravery than Labour,
Handed it to his crafty Neighbour.
When you fay Crown, you often mean
The Owner, whether King or Queen.
In fuch a cafe, you may believe,
The Priefts would pray, the Laymen fwear;
A few
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 265
A few would laugh, and fome would grieve,
And many want to hang this pair.
I have him not, by Heaven, fays John,
I fteal! cries Will, a likely thing!
Stolen or ftray'd, however gone,
It was not me that ftole your King.
Thus us'd to puzzle and confound them,
This Nation's fury foon was paſt;
The people left them as they found them,
Forc'd to appeal to Heaven at laſt.
Fortune was feldom known fſo croſs,
Few difappointments are completer:
To lofe their King was a great lofs,
Not to recover him a greater.
FABLE
266 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABLE Ε XXXV.
ANONPAREIL, an Apple-tree,
A Commoner, haughty and proud;
And a Pomegranate, a Grandee,
One day difputed hard and loud:
I am the Favourite of the Nation,
The Apple faid, that's a plain cafe;
I know your Rank and Occupation,
And laugh'd in the Pomegranate's Face.
My merit's known to all mankind,
I never courted your Choice Spirits;
Your noble virtues are confin'd,
Few people know your latent Merits;
Nor know your Virtues, like the Beaver's,
Lie in your feminal Receivers.
A Bramble, fneaking like a Rogue,
Out of a hedge, and out of fight,
Cry'd, Brethren, with a province brogue,
Be friends, and let us all unite.
When
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 267
When the Great quarrel, the fmall Fry
Stir, and affect important vigour;
Then, Æfop fays, the Cyphers try,
But never can make any Figure.
{
}
|
FABLE
268 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABL E XXXVI.
FANCY.
TRUCK with a block of Parian ftone,
STRUCK
In a repoſitory lying;
Tho' he had many of his own,
A fculptor could not pafs it without buying.
Henceforth, he cry'd, be it my part
Thy latent, modeft worth to blaze
Say, ſhall I make thee, by my art,
A God, a tripod, or a vaſe?
Be thou a God, and, if I pleaſe,
The God whofe bolts at pride are hurl'd;
Tremble, mankind, down on your knees,
Behold the fovereign of the world!
Far as an artiſt's power can reach,
Jupiter, it was confefs'd,
Throughout, in every thing but ſpeech,
Divinely was exprefs'd.
'Tis faid his art went farther ftill,
?
That he was the firft dupe of his own ſkill.
His
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 269
His work, it ſeems, was fcarce completed,
When lo! with reverential awe,
From an imagination heated,
In his, the real God he faw.
Fix'd, like his Jupiter, he ftood,
Fear ftopp'd the current of his blood.
Poets afleep, and poets waking,
Have alfo now and then been found,
And fome with heads reputed found,
Frighten'd at Gods of their own making.
And folks in love are often fmitten,
Contrary to their intention,
And are as often fadly bitten
By creatures of their own invention.
1
You figh for Chloe, heavenly fair,
But you muſt ever figh in vain ;
Chloe, whofe cruel chains you wear,
Lives only in your brain.
Let fancy trace out a conceit,
And draw fome beautiful deception,
Paffion will catch at the deceit,
And take it under her protection.
'Tis
270 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
'Tis done, fhe is your's for evermore;
Chloe, 'tis true,
Belongs to you,
But not the Chloe you adore.
Your huſbands, ladies, are quite wrong,
They repreſent you in falſe lights;
The burthen of a huſband's fong
Is, one and all—they all are bites.
Alas! thy wife is not to blame,
There was no fallacy in Nan,
Thy injur'd wife is ſtill the fame,
Eadem femper, like queen Anne:
Serene with Nants, fat with October,
Eadem femper, never ſober.'
You bit yourſelf; had you the wit,
You would continue to be bit.
As upon clouds the varying wind,
So fancy acts upon the mind;
Blows vernal gales, and paints the ſkies
With angel forms that charm the eyes.
But oh! delicious, flattering gales,
Boreas is coming with his ftorms,
Black
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 275
Black clouds, like crocodiles and whales,
Will drive away your angel forms.
Fontaine's remark is deep and fly-
We're all, fays he, both age and youth,
Warm in the intereſt of a lye,
And cold as ice for naked truth.
Why not, if naked truth be frightful,
And fiction dreſs'd appear delightful?
It is a univerfal foible 3
Fontaine is read from morn till night,
By people that take no delight
Over the goſpel or the bible.
Fiction is like a miſtreſs gay,
Truth like a wife. Would you, Sir, chufe
To hear dull truths day after day
Rather than fictions that amuſe?
Dull, naked truth, in cafe of need,
I own, does well enough in bed,
For there, and only there, indeed,
Her mercury, attracts her lead.
But not enough, I have a notion,
To give the lead fufficient motion.
We
272 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
We all can magnify our ills;
It requires none, or little art,
To turn our bon bons into pills,
Or make a bolus of a tart.
To make a ſweetmeat of a pill,
Requires fome fancy, and more ſkill.
From whence there follows, with great eaſe,
This truth, not eaſily defeated—
We may be wretched when we pleaſe,
But to be happy must be cheated.-
May all that cannot do without them,
All huſbands, and all virtuous wives,
Carry their remedy about them,
And be impos'd on all their lives!
May both of them do one or t'other,
Deceive themſelves, or cheat each other!
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 273
FABLE XXXVII.
The Difference between Offenfive and Defenfive
CUNNING.
ALION, with a wand'ring gout,
Upon his couch or bed lay roaring;
The Courtiers all ſtood round about,
Every God and aid imploring.
Excruciated like a Martyr,
The Doctors brought a thouſand flops,
To pave the way for his departure,
They pour'd them down the Lion's chops.
Of all the Courtiers that attended,
Waiting about him in a ring,
The Wolf officiouſly pretended
To ſympathize moſt with the King.
Whilft we are all in fuch a fright,
Sir, faid the Wolf, it muſt appear
Extremely wrong, in every light,
That your Attorney is not here.
T
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My
274
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
My friend the Fox is much to blame,
Now that your Majeſty's ſo ill,
To roam about killing your game,
Bound by no laws but his own will.
He is the chief lord paramount,
And one would fwear your foreft-laws
Were only made on his account,
To fill his guts and greafe his paws.
A felfiſhneſs and inattention,
Which otherwife I fhould not mention:
When our falvation is at ſtake,
When every one ſhould watch and pray,
When every eye ſhould be awake,
"Tis highly criminal, I ſay.
I ſay, that ſuch a grofs neglect,
In one that has the Royal ear,
Cannot but argue difreſpect,
The confequence of which I fear.
Such fubjects feldom, by defign,
Stop at the diſreſpectful line.
At his return the Fox was told
How handſomely his friend had ferv'd him,
1
His
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 275
His ſpite at me is very old,
Says Maſter Fox, I have obferv'd him.
Only becauſe I go a fowling,
Am rich, and entertain my friends;
Whilft he, for very hunger howling,
Is fit to eat his fingers ends.
Volpone that inftant ran to court,
Salutes the Wolf quite frank and hearty;
The Monarch cry'd, Had you good ſport,
Sir Reynard? who was of your party ?
Your Majefty, ſays the Attorney,
Is miſinform'd about my journey.
That I was hunting is moft true,
Making the ftricteft perquifitions,
Amongst the Magi and Phyficians,
To find a remedy for you.
When your Gout's fix'd, or quite remov'd,
Then, Sir, my care and pious zeal,
For you, and for the common-weal,
Will be acknowledg'd and approv'd.
In the mean time I must proceed
To tell my fovereign Lord his cure ;
1
I 2
His
1
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276 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
His royal heart, I know, will bleed,
I feel myſelf what he'll endure.
'Tis the advice of a wife Hermit,
A recipe I cannot term it,
Of a profound and learned Boar,
Whofe hermitage is in a wood,
Who pores and ftudies evermore,
And ſtudies only to do good.
A Wolf muſt preſently be got,
In ſuch a caſe it is no fin,
Flay him alive, and piping hot
Wrap the King up in the Wolf's ſkin.
Thus, Sir, if you will be directed,
Your pains will quickly be abated,
The morbid matter be ejected,
And health and vigour reinſtated..
The Lion, rifing from his feat,
Order'd the Wolf to reft content,.
To lie down proftrate at his feet,
And patiently wait the event.
That done, he call'd his Surgeons in
;.
Flay me, faid he, that Wolf completely,
Flay
}
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 277
Flay him alive, but flay him neatly,
Or you may ſpoil his honour's ſkin.
The brains of Wolves, as fome report,
Are in the grinders of the brute ;
Contrivance is not the Wolf's fort;
Beafts without fcent ought to hunt mute;
Their howling ſpreads fuch an alarm,
They very feldom do much harm.———
Had the Wolf let the Fox alone,
Had he not forc'd him to contrive,
He might have fav'd his fkin and bone,
He would not have been flay'd alive.-
To try his cunning and his art,
A would-be minifter of State,
Dup'd by his own malicious heart,
&
Now and then meets with the fame fate.
May all that follow the Wolf's trade
In the fame coin be always paid!
M
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FABLE
1
278 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
FABL E XXXVIII.
THE MOL E.
WITH intellects by nature muddy,
A Mole kept moiling under ground,
Liv'd like Dun Scotus, in his ſtudy,
And got the name of The profound.
At length by labouring and boring,
Amongst the blind and the benighted,
And by continually poring,
He was accounted fecond-fighted,
Thoroughly vers'd in every part
And myſtery of the black-art.
In fhort, the ftudies of the blind
Are always of the occult kind.
As clear as you can fee at noon
He faw, according to report,
What folks were doing in the Moon
And were undoing about Court.
Such was the Doctor's great renown,
All kinds of people, young and old,
2
Came
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 279
Came and addrefs'd the velvet gown,
Eager to have their fortunes told.
His mother, a difcreet old dame,
Knew well the genius of the youth;
She was not ſuch a dupe to Fame,
To take all her reports for truth.
Down ſhe defcends, without a rap,
And finds him about half awake,
Juft in that ftudious kind of nap
That your great ſtudents often take.
Mother, faid he, by all that's bright,
I faw you tripping o'er the plain;
What a fine thing is fecond-fight,
A fine illuminated brain!
I knew you, mother, well enough;
I heard your ftep an hour ago,
And fmelt the fragrance of your ruff,
As I was ſtudying below.
That you, ſaid ſhe, was always blind,
Was not a point that wanted clearing;
But now, alas! I alfo find,
You have neither feeling, fmell, nor hearing.
T 4
*
When
280 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
When you fet up to botanize,
I prov'd, to cure you of your folly,
You could not judge, by your own eyes,
Between a Thiſtle and a Holly.
But when you talk of fecond-fight,
Let your internal light fo fhine,
That not one foul ſhall by that light
Find out a meaning or defign.
Therefore, to keep your reputation,
Few words are beft, my learned fon
Avoid all kind of converfation-
If you converfe you are undone.
They may confult you, if they will,
But always keep in the fame walk,
Keep ftudying and conjuring ſtill,
Let all your talk be conjuring talk.
For few folks pay, with a good grace,
For any thing they underſtand;
Nonfenfe is quite another, cafe,
'Tis the beſt trade throughout the land :
Elfe how ſhould doctors fare fo well,
And other trades, that I could tell.
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 281
A
FABLE
XXXIX.
The KING and the COBLER.
COBLER, in a forry plight,
Chang'd his profeffion, and turn'd Quack,
Shut up his ftall, and took his flight,
With his whole fortune on his back,
From mending fhoes, to a phyfician,
Or to a mender of the ftate,
Is no fuch violent tranfition,
Nor an old tale quite out of date.
An orator that ſpeaks off hand,
A fpeaker for the public good,
Is not oblig'd, I underſtand,
To make himſelf be underſtood :
But if his fpeeches bring him pelf,
You're fure he underſtands himſelf.
The Cobler did not ſpeak like Neftor,
Whoſe words fell foft as flakes of fnow,
Nor like Therfites, the old jefter,
But like fome orators we know.
5
His
1
182 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
His oratory coft him nought,
His lungs were made of cobler's leather,
The words ran off as quick as thought,
Rapid and clutter'd all together;
A kind of hurricane oration,
A whirlwind, with an inundation.
Or like a rapid roaring torrent,
Full of confufion and difafters,
With cattle ſwimming down the current,
And fiſhes lying in the paſtures;
Cottages, houſes, meadows, wood,
Standing in water or in mud.
Speaking was not his fureft card,
The beſt was of his own invention;
It was an antidote to guard
Againſt all poifon you could mention.
Its fame was fpread through every quarter,
And all folks drank it like Tar-water.
God blefs his Majefty; the King,
Like other folks, had got a cold,
On which the Courtiers in the ring
Obferv'd that ſome folks were grown bold. -
?
From
}
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 283
From thence it went through every rout,
In whiſpers, whiſper'd very low,
The King was poiſon'd, without doubt,
By poiſon that would poiſon flow.
The King was ſpeedily appriz'd
Of what folks faid, and all folks thought,
And by the Cabinet advis'd
To take the Cobler's antidote.
He would have taken it, I fear,
Had it not been for a wife Seer.
Sir, what your minifters advife,
Suppose the fact be true, indeed,
Said he, may be extremely wife;
But let them on fure ground proceed.
Order the Doctor to appear,
And then I'll make this matter clear.
The Cobler was directly call'd,
A glaſs of water ftood prepar'd,
The cobling Doctor ftood appall'd,
The King and all the Courtiers ftar'd.
Take, faid the Seer, this glaſs and view it :
Doctor, faid he, if you're fo clever,
To
كم
นี้
284 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
To take this potion, and fubdue it,
Your fame and fortune's fix'd for ever.
That it is poifon is moſt true,`
The worſe, the deadlier the draught,
The greater honour will be due
To your alexipharmic craft.
will.
Now, Doctor, you must fhew your ſkill;
Whip them off clean, and make your
The Cobler fell upon his knees:
I own, faid he, my want of knowledge,
And alfo own that my degrees
Were taken at the Coblers college :
For want of practice, and from hunger,
I turn'd a counter-poiſon monger.
Let it not cauſe the leaft alarm,
I'll answer for it with my blood,
It can do no one any harm,
But may do fanciful folks good.
In ſhort, 'tis neither more nor leſs,
'Tis my own water, I confefs.
Then turning to the King, the Seer
Said, pray Sir, afk your good friends here,
L
What
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN: 28-
What their advice was built upon,
What they could mean, what were their views,
To let you truſt your life with one
That none would truft with their old fhoes.
So long betray'd, fo long deceiv'd,
The King reply'd, I'm truly griev'd.
Theſe rogues, that gave themſelves fuch airs,
That made bad worfe, are fairly trapp'd;
Theſe coblers fhall be kick'd down ftairs,
Turn'd out, and all be foundly ſtrapp'd.
Sir, faid the Seer, after their flogging,
Pray give me leave to make a motion,
That every one ſhall take a noggin
Of Doctor Strap's falubrious potion;
"Twill either prove a mild emetic,
A gentle purge, or diuretic.
Mind, Doctor, cry'd the king, and laugh'd,
Do you take care that every man,
Drink the king's health in a full can,
And pay you for your cordial draught. A
Now, faid the King, I am quite faft,
All kind of menders. I have try'd j. mo yan
The
لم
286 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
The menders of the other fide
Cobbled exactly like the laſt.
When my two doctors difagree,
To drive out both, with refolution
To truſt to a good conftitution,
And temperance, is beſt for me.
FABLE
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 287
FABLE XL.
The Independent Oxen, and the Grand Allies.
}
OUR powerful Oxen, fat as bacon,
FOU
One weigh'd a hundred ſtone at leaſt,
As brave, for all he was a capon
As Captain Bull, at a bull-feaſt;
I mean a Bull with his young bride,
And her bride-maidens, by his fide.
Thefe Oxen never could be parted,
Either by foes, or ftrefs of weather;
They neither fear'd, flinch'd, nor ſtarted,
When all their horns were clubb'd together:
Even the Lion's roaring pride,
With all his terrors, they defy'd.
Whoever had contriv'd to fat 'em,
Their buttocks look'd fo plump and nice,
The Lion fain would have been at 'em,
The Lion long'd for a good flice:
But
288 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
But he had fenfe enough to know,
They did not wear their horns for ſhow.
As to the Lion's knowledge-box,
His headpiece was not worth a ruſh;
The Lion's chancellor, the Fox,
Had far more knowledge in his bruſh.
Jackall was fent, the Fox's friend,
To bid the chancellor attend.
A Fox is not a royal treat,
And therefore Reynard might rely on,
Unleſs he had nothing elſe to eat,
The word and honour of a Lion.
The Fox perceiv'd, by Jack's report,
Deliver'd with a favoury fmell,
That peace and plenty reign'd at court,
That the King's ftores were furniſh'd well.
On which he fet out with Jackall,
Obedient to the Lion's call.
Treated with a moft gracious ſmile,
Inſtead of a moſt hearty meal,
They both were thank'd, in the old ſtyle,
For their great loyalty and zeal.
The
FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 289
The royal paw of courſe was kiſs'd,
And Jack purveyor was difmifs'd.
Fox, faid the King, weigh well this matter-
Four Oxen are encamp'd hard by,
There never were four eunuchs fatter,
Nor any eunuchs half fo fly:
Beftir yourſelf, my learned chief,
Contrive to put theſe friends aſunder,
If you have any love for beef,
Or any love for lawful plunder.
The fat tid-bits, the choiceft meat,
Their lights and livers, tongues, and hearts,
Fall to your Lordſhip by eſcheat,
With all their tripes and inward parts.
To work goes Reynard with his brains,
Finds out, and thus harangues our cattle:
The greateſt ſovereign of the plains,
Offers you peace, or deadly battle.
I am the Lion's plenipo,
His gracious intent I know;
His Majefty had rather far
You ſhould chufe peace, for your own fakes;
}
7
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Whoever
290 FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN.
Whoever is difpos'd for war,
Should know the taſk he undertakes-
Are you prepar'd to bid defiance,
Againſt ſo powerful an alliance?
The King will march with his allies,
Tygers and Leopards in his pay,
With wolves of an enormous fize,
Tartars, that only fight for prey;
Unleſs baniſh from your ſtates,
you
That infolent, enormous beaſt,
A brute that every creature hates;
That only lives to cram and feaſt.
'Tis your own intereft, depend on't,.
"Tis obvious to common ſenſe;
Declare yourſelves quite independent,.
Baniſh your tyrant far from hence:
Extend your trade, encreaſe your food
All the King's views are for your good.
By tyranny and ufurpations,
To what a bulk the monfter's grown!
Whilft you, by bars and limitations,
Muſt be reduc'd to ſkin and bone.
5
Many,
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FABLES FOR GROWN GENTLEMEN. 291
Many, with looks profound and wiſe,
To cunning fall a facrifice;
And thus their chief, by threats and art,
Was driven out and forc'd to run;
Their wifeft head, and ftouteft heart,
They loft at once, and were undone :
For when their main fupport was gone,
All four were pick'd up one by one.
Reader, perhaps you are not able
To mark the Actors in the fable:
I do not know, myfelf, the Fox,
But England is the monftrous Ox:
If you can't guefs the other three,
You'll never be inform'd by me.
The Lion is-you'll not guefs foon,
A royal houfe-houfe of Baboon-
The grand Baboon of Monkey-land
Has the whole houfe at his command.
FINI S.
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UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
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