7TH~Q TIme s I COrIDY In Four Acts BY ARTHUR W. PINERO _....7-- " I don't aspire to great things, but 1 wish to speak of great " things with gratitude and of mean things with indignation LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN MCMVI. First frinted 1891 SSecond Infression go900 Third ImWression 19o6 This Edition enjoys copyright in all Countries Signatory to the Berne Treaty, and is not to be iniported into the United States of America TERRY'S THEATRE STRAND, LONDON, W.C. -;ole Proprietor and Manager MR. EDWARD TERRY ON SATURDAY, OCTOBER I4th, 1891 WILL BE ACTED FOR THE FIRST TIME THE TIMES AN ORIGINAL COMEDY, IN FOUR ACTS BY ARTHUR W. PINERO " I don't aspire to great things, but I wish to speak of great things with gratitude and of mean things with indignation." Denham, Viscount Lurgashall.. Hon. Montague Trimble... Percy Egerton-Bompas, M.P.. Howard.. (his son) Timothy McShane, M.P... Jelf... (a servant) Countess of Ripstow Mrs. Egerton-Bompas Beryl... (her daughter). Mrs. Hooley. (a widow) Honoria.. (her daughter). Miss Cazalet..... Lucy Tuck..... Mr. W. T. LOVELL Mr. ELLIOT Mr. EDWARD TERRY Mr. HENRY V. ESMOND Mr. FRED THORNE Mr. ALBERT SIMS Miss M. TALBOT Miss FANNY BROUGH Miss ANNIE HILL Miss ALEXIS LEIGHTON Miss BARRADELL Miss HELENA DACRE Miss HETTY DENE Place, LONDON; at the Egerton-Bompas's. Period, TO-DA Y. Between Acts I. and II. a month elapses; the action of Acts 11. and III. takes place on the morning and evening of the same day, and that of Act V. on the following morning. '4TH61 R67(ONS OF T118 RLAY PERCY EGERTON-BOMPAS, M.P. MRs. EGERTON-BOMPAS. HOWARD, their s0on. BERYL, their daughter. COUNTESS OF RIPSTOW. DENHAM, VISCOUNT LULIGASHALL, her 80on HO0N. MONTAGUE TRIMBLE. TIMOTHY MCSHANE, M.P. MRS. HOOLEY. HONORAIA her daughter MISS CAZALET. LLTCY Txc&i. J ELF. THE TIMES THE FIRST ACT The scene represents a richly decorated and sumptuously furnished room in the London house of MR. EGERTON-BOMPAS, M.P. It is prettily divided by three arches resting on elegant pillars, and wealth and luxury are evident in all the appointments of the room, which looks bright and cheerful in the afternoon light of early summer. The door opens, and JELF, a manservant in livery, introduces LADY RIPSTOW, an aristocratic-looking woman of about fijty, and her son DENHAM, LORD LURGASHALL, a young man of twenty-seven, with a determined manner. DENHAM. Lady Ripstow and Lord Lurgashall. JELF. I'm aware, m'lord. LADY RIPSTOW. I think Mrs. Egerton-Bompas will see me. A 2 THE TIMES J'LF. I'm sure she will, m'lady, if she's at home. LADY RIPSTOW. She is not at home this afternoon, I know, but she may be indoors. JELF. 111 ask Codrington, m'lady. LADY RIPSTOW. Codrington? JELF. My mistress's maid's woman, m'lady. [He goes out. LADY RIPSTOW. "My mistress's maid's woman! " The wives of drapers have their comforts, Denham. DENHAM. My dear mother! LADY RIPSTOW. Is not Mr. Bompas a draper? DENHAM. Mr. Egerton-BompasLADY RIPSTOW. Egerton! DENHAM. Mr. Egerton-Bompas is a draper, in a large sense. LADY RIPSTOW. Hle has a dozen shops all in a row, you mean. THE TIMES 93 "DENHAM. Fourteen, as a matter of fact. LADY RIPSTOW. Surely that makes him fourteen times a draper. DENHAM. At any rate, Beryl is not a draper. LADY RIPSTOW. She is a draper's daughter. If she becomes your wife she will still be a draper's daughter; if children are born to you they will be a draper's daughter's children. DENHAM. They will be amiable and beautiful, like Beryl. LADY RIPSTOW. But not perfectly patrician, like yourself. To cull an illustration from the drapery businessDENHAM. Pray, mother! LADY RIPSTOW. Beryl is cotton, you are silk; each material in itself is estimable, but cotton and silk beget satinet. Did you see your father this morning? DENHAM. Yes, in bed. LADY RIPSTOW. Will he countenance your engagement by cailing here? DENHAM. He will think it over. 4 THE TIMES LADY RIPSTOW. Was he very distressed at your account of Beryl's parents? DENHAM. Acutely, I admit. LADY RIPSTOW. Of course you made him aware that Mr. Bompas sits for the northern division of St. Swithin's DENHAM. Of course. LADY RIPSTOW. That afforded him no relief? DENHAM, Not perceptibly. LADY RIPSTOW. You emphasised-on the Conservative side of the House? DENHAM. Yes. But my father's theory is that a common man's profession of Conservative principles is merely a device to rub shoulders with superior people. LADY RIPSTOW. Theodore is penetrating. DENHAM. And he anticipates that every Conservative politician who has any respect for himself will soon be driven to extreme Radicalism to find decent conm panionship. THE TIMES 5 LADY RIPSTOW. Your father will never call here, Denham I DENHAM. So be it, mother. LADY RIPSTOW. And you are determined to make Beryl an offer of marriage? DENHAM. Oh, quite. BERYL, a sweet, unaffected girl of about twenty, enters the room, attended by JELF, and greets LADY RIPSTOW and DENHAM with a pleasant frankness of manner. BERYL. [Addressing LADY RIPSTOW.] Victor, the hairdresser, has been washing mamma's head. Would you like to come upstairs? LADY RIPSTOW. If I may. BERYL. [To DENHAM.] Excuse me. LADY RIPSTOW. [Quietly to BERYL.] Lurgashall wishes to talk to you, I know. Let the servant show me the way. BERYL. Jelf[LADY REIPSTOW goes from the room with JELF in attendance, leaving BERYL and DENHAM together. 6 THE TIMES 3ERYL I have been answering invitations for mammalook! What a wearisome affair is a Season, isn't it? DENHAM. A Season? BERYL. I don't mean either of the four seasons sent by Heaven; I mean the fifth, made by Man. DENHAM. The one Season honoured by a capital letter. BERYL. And called the Season. Ugh! DENHAM. I know you care very little for gaiety. BERYL. The gaiety of climbing a flight of stairs to clutch at a haggard hostess on the landing! Do sit; we both have to tread a great many stairs to-night, I expect. DENHAM. Are you going to Lady Orillian's, by any chance? BERYL. No, we don't know her-I mean, of course, she aoesn't Know us. This is our lot. [Reading from a tablet.] The Horace Bennetts', the Stratfields', Mrs. Peter Cathew's, Music at the Verulam Club, the Spratt-Thompsons'. Lighter than I thought. Shall we pass you on any of those stairs? THE TIMES 7 DEN HAM. I shall be at Mrs. Cathew's about eleven. BERYL. A trifle early for us. DENHAM. Early? BERYL. H'm. We used to go very early to such places and stay right through, but, now that papa has "got on," we arrive late everywhere and murmur an apology! DENHAM. Ha, ha! BERYL. Ah, don't laugh! If you realised, as I do, the sham, the falseness, of this sort of thing you wouldn't, you couldn't laugh-you'd cry. And one's life seems to be made up of parade and pretension-and sometimes I feel it is more than I can- Ah! Forgive my complaining to you. DENHAM. You forget I am as hemmed in as yourself-bound by conventionalism, fettered by fashion. BERYL. You could revolt. DENHAM. I might rush away to shoot big game in America That would not be declaring independence of character, that would be escaping from declaring it. BERYL. Are you sure you have an independent character to declare? 8 8 THE TIMES DENHAM. At least I desire to behave as an individual; at present I am a phonograph rolled up in a coat. I don't aspire to great things, but I wish to speak of great things with gratitude and of mean things with indignation. BERYLJ. It is good of you even to talk like this. And, mind, if you ever break away, I'll pray for an adventurer. DENHAM. You may begin to-day then. BERYL. Why? DENHAM. I am just about to break away. BERYL. What are you going to do? DENHAM. Entreat to be allowed to pay my addresses to you. BERYL. [In a murmur.] Oh! DENHAM. Now you guess the object of my mother's visit this afternoon. BERYL. We-we are in different worlds. DENHAM. Let us come out of our little worlds and meet each other. THE TIMES 9 BERYL. But I-I am-nothing. DENHAM. Ah, I have watched you, I know you--you are an individual. Consent to marry me, and you confer upon me the gift of individuality. Answer me. BERYL. Lord Lurgashall-! DENHAM. [Holding out his hand.] My dear Beryl. BERYL. [Laying her hand in his.] Denham! PERCY EGERTON-BOMPAS, a florid, good-humouredlooking man of about fifty, with an air of great prosperity, but with an uneasy, assertive manner, enters the room together with the HON. MONTAGUE TRIMBLE, a pleasant-looking, bland little man, of uncertain age, scrupulously trimmed and tailored. BOMPAS. Clara, here's Monty. [Demonstratively.] Hallo, Lurgashall, delighted to see you! [DENHAM shakes hands with BOMPAS, and exchanges nods with TRIMBLE. DENHAM. How are you, Trimble? TRIMBLE. How are you, my dear L.? 10 THE TIMES B13IPAS. [To DENHAM.] I thought my wife was here; but Berry will give you a cup of tea. We're always in to friends like you, if we are in. But, lord bless you, when we're not entertaining we live in other people's houses-they won't let us alone! [Taking up cards of invitation from the table.] I'll be bound these are invites. What did I say? Look here-here they come! "Mrs. Bulmershe "- nice woman! "La Comtesse de Faverot "-a Countess-French, but still--! "Mrs. Claud Cox"-oh, stockbrokers! that's nothing. Here! " Lady Prestwick "! What d'ye think of that? " Lady Prestwick, At Home, Grosvenor Gate." Do you go there, eh-do you go there? DENHAM. Lady Prestwick is my aunt. BOMPAS. Aunt, is she? Ah, then we shall meet you. [Laying his hand on DENHAM'S shoulder.] It's nice for us all to be in the same set. " Music, io o'clock." I don't suppose we shall be there for more than a minute; too many of these things. [Reading the card to him/ f.] "Lady Prestwick, At Home, Grosvenor Gate"! Lady Prestwick! DENHAM. [Quietly to BOMPAS.] My mother is upstairn. BOMPAS. Lady Ripstow! WCih my wife? Ought I to go up-ought I to go up? THE TIMES II DENHAM. No, no, don't trouble. The question will be referred to you by-and-by. BOMPAS. What question? DENHAM. Whether you will sanction an engagement between Beryl and myself. BOMPAS. You-you in love with-our Berry DENHAM. Yes. BOMPAS. You-you---- I Shall I tell her-shall I tell her? DENHAM. Sssh, please! I've done that myself. [BOMPAS cannot speak from excitement, but he grasps DENHAM'S hand as Mrs. EGERTON - BOMPAS, a bright, excitable, good-looking woman of bfrty, enters with LADY RIPSTOW. MRS. BOMPAS. [Breathlessly to DENHAM.] Have you asked her? DENHAM. Yes. MRS. BOMPAS. Is it-all right? DENHAM. Beryl has been good enough not to discourage me. 12 THE TIMES MRS. IBOMPAS. My dear boy! I-I can't help it! [She kisses him.] DENHAM. [Smiling.] Thank you. [He joins his mother, BERYL, and TRIMBLE, who are chatting together in a group. BOMPAS. [Trembling with excitement, to MRS. BOMPAS.] Calm yourself, calm yourself! Don't let them think we're honoured! MRs. BOMPAS. Oh, Percy I! BOMPAS. Quiet, Clara! Tell Trimble to spread it about. [She joins the rest. BOMPAS. [To himself.] I'll drop a line to the Morning Post. The Times doesn't put things in when I send 'em. [Picking up a card of invitation.] " Mrs. Claud Cox, At Home." Wish she may get us! [He tears up the card and throws it into the waste-paper basket. LADY RIPSTOW approaches the table at which BoMPAS has sat down to write. BOMPAS. [Writing.] " Mr. Percy Egerton-Bompas presents his compliments to the Editor of the Morning Post "-" [seeing LADY RIPSTOw] Eh? I beg your pardon -it's Lady Ripstow, isn't it? [shaking hands with her heartily.] How's Lord Ripstow? He and I will see more of each other now, I daresay. THE TIMES LADY RIPSTOW. Have you met Lord Ripstow? BOMPAS. Well-no-that is, I may have met him and passed him. Clara! We must fix a night for a little family dinner-no outsiders-jnst the family. Myself, Clara, Beryl, Howard-our boy, you know-Howard will run up from Oxford; that's four Egerton-Bompases. One Denham is five-two Ripstows are seven LADY RIPSTOW. Ah! I-I think we will defer any arrangement of this kind till Lord Ripstow-has called. MRS. BOMPAS. Of course, Percy. LADY RIPSTOW. And now, if you will allow meBOMPAS. What was I going to say? Oh, this is a big thing for Denham's future. LADY RIPSTOW. I-I trust so. BOMPAS. A father in the House of Commons as well as one in the Lords; both fathers of the same way of thinking too, both hard-and-fast Unionists, both staunch Conservatives-the only political faith for an English gentleman. MrTs. BOMPAS. Percy! 14 THT TIMES BOMPAS. [To LADY RIPSTOW.] Don't you see? As I'v only one boy-and a good, clever boy he is, thank God!I can keep an eye on your chick as well as my own. LADY RIPSTOW. Thank you-I-I have to call in Mereworth Square; I am coming back for Lurgashall. [She passes BOMPAS and speaks a word to MRs. BOMPAS. BOMPAS. [Resuming his seat and writing.] "-- and begs to inform him that a marriage has been arranged--" [LADY RIPSTOW leaves the room. MRS. BOMPAS. Take Lady Ripstow downstairs. What are you thinking about? BOMPAS. [Rising.] Eh? [He runs out after LADY RIPSTOW. - TRIMBLE, leaving BERYL and DENHAM together, advances efjisively to MRs. BOM PAS. TRIMBLE. Dear Mrs. E-B! MRS. BOMPAS. Oilh, Monty! TRIMBLE. You are very proud-h'm? MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, I am proud. Now, now what will my old THE TIMES 15 schoolfellow, Emily ApraUt- hox apson, have to saj ' Oh, Monty, nothing on earth shall prevent my going to churoh next Sunday morning! TRIMBLE. Let me see; I think I-h'm? MRS. BOMPAS, Yes, you brought him to my third reception last season. Bless you! [BERYL and DENHAM go from the room together. TRIMBLE. [Mournfully.] H'aah! MRS. BOMPAS. What are you so glum about? TRIMBLE. Why, dear Mrs. E-B, I suppose I experience that mixed sensation of pain and pleasure which the nurse feels when the infant she has taught to toddle wriggles its little fist out of her hand, and scampers off unassisted. MRS. BOMPAS. You mean that now Berry is to make this tremendous marriage, we shall be able to run alone in Society. TRIMBLE. I am unselfish enough to hope so, dear Mrs. E-B. MRS. BOMPAS. But we're not likely to forget your little services, Monty. 16 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. No, no-you're too amiable for that. But I anticipate that your poor friend will not be quite so-so indispensable in the future, h'm? MRS. BOMPAS. Perhaps not, in the sense you mean. TRIMBLE. In point of fact, dear Mrs. E-B, the devoted nurse forfeits her place and her perquisites, and the thriftless, improvident old woman-if I may so allude to myself-dooced well can't afford it. MRS. BOMPAS. Nonsense! Doesn't your brother-doesn't Lord Morphett do something for you? TRIMBLE. Dear Morphett pays the allowance I am compelled to make my wife-that's all. But as for the neceýsaries of life, I pledge you my word, there was a moment last September when the question of my giving up my little box in Scotland was really mooted. However, I was fortunate enough to get you and E-B some pleasant introductions at Homburg, and the dear liberal fellow MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes-never mind that. TRIMBLE. But nowMRS. BOMPAS. Sssh! I'll tell Percy to be always very kind to you. THE TIMES 17 TRIMBLE. Dear soul I MRS. BOMPAS. I can't sit still, Monty! [She moves restlessly about the room. TRIMBLE. I came here this afternoon to give you what I hoped would prove a piece of good news. MRS. BOMPAS. There's no more good news in the world I TRIMBLE. No, not now. MRS. BOMPAS. Well, what is it? TRIMBLE. The Maharaja of Shikapoor has at last fixed a night to dine here. MRS. BOMPAS. What I you've got him! TRIMBLE. After shockin' difficulties. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, bless you, bless you, dear man Now, now, Emily Spratt-Thompson, what will you have to say! [BOMPAS returns.] Percy, that nigger has consented to dine with us! B 18 THE TIMES BOMPAS. The Maharaja? Mus. BOMPAS. Yes. BOMPAS. No! Has he? When? TRIMBLE. The 2oth. BOMPAS. Ours is the first private house this great Indi:n potentate will have dined at. TRIMBLE. Certainly. MRs. BOMPAS. Hah! triumph! TRIMBLE. Led by some association of ideas he has hitherto persisted in going every night to the Empire. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy, it must be a brilliant occasion. BOMPAS. By Jove, yes! Monty! TRIMBLE. Command me, dear E-B. Now, whom will you have to meet the great man-your friends? BOMPAS. Friends? MRS. BOMPAS. Friends? BOMPAS. You see, one can always have friends. THE TIMES 19 TRIMBLE. But you want to let your friends see you've got the Maharaja. BOMPAS. No, no, no-they'll read about it in the papers. MRS. BOMPAS. I should like the best people in London. TRIMBLE. The best we can get. BOMPAS. Clara, we will make this the dinner to which we ask the Ripstows-Lord and Lady Ripstow. We'll shew them, hey? We'll let them see, shall we? MRs. BOMPAS. But you told Lady Ripstow that their dinner was to be a family dinner. BoMPAS. [Quietly to her.] Yes, but I've been thinking-they might expect to meet my relations. TRIMBLE. I've already roughed out a few suggestions. BOMPAS. Good! MRS. BOMPAS. Monty is so useful. TRIMBLE. [Consulting his memoranda.] Now, there's old Lord Hipgrave 20 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Lord Hipgrave! BOMPAS. Lord Hipgrave! Phew! TRIMBLE. I can get him. BOMPAS. I shall be happy to welcome Lord Hipgrave to my house. TRIMBLE. He's not in demand just now, and will eat a good dinner anywhere. But he's still a great name, dear Mrs. E-B. MRS. BOMPAS. Tremendous! TRIMBLE. I feel bound to tell you that he feeds in rather a coarse wayMRS. BOMPAS. Disgusting! BOMPAS. Sssh! he's a great name! TRIMBLE. [Reading from his notes.] And he begs that-oh, here it is-he begs that a dinner may not be held to constitute acquaintanceship. BOMPAS. Infernal impudence! MRS. BOMPAS. The brutes that dine at my table I THE TIMES 21 BOMPAS. However, he's a great name. Well! TRIMBLE. Sir Charles Farmiloe will come with Algy Fitzbray. BOMPAS. Excellent! TRIMBLE. Just for fun, is the way they put it. MRS. BOMPAS. Cads! TRIMBLE. They are mere boys, you know, and never open their lips. Then there's Charley Spreckly-he will whip the thing up. BOMPAS. By Jove, rather! MRS. BOMPAS. Oh! He tells all these inimitable stories; they're in everybody's mouth. TRIMBLE. Well, everybody's inimitable stories are in his mouth-same thing. He's the best raconteur in society. BOMPAS. MRS. BOMPAS.] Knew we should get him some day TRIMBLE. But I ought to let you know, dear E-B, that Spreckly asks five-and-twenty guineas. 22 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. What! BOMPAS. From every house he goes to? TRIMBLE. From some houses he goes to. It is kept absolutely quiet, of course; if such a thing got about, he might as well go on the stage at once. MRS. BOMPAS. Five-and-twenty-! TRIMBLE. Yes, and you don't get his new stories for that. BOMPAS. Pay him thirty-this must be a perfect dinner. MRS. BOMPAS. Now, the women. TRIMBLE. That's always a little difficulty, h'm? You wouldn't care for a cheerful but perfectly lady-like actress? MRS. BOMPAS. [Reproachfully.] My dear Monty I TRIMBLE. I beg pardon. MRS. BOMPAS. Really, I would much rather ask my own personal friends, THE TIMES 23 TRIMBLE. Have you your Visiting List handy? [She gives him a book from the table. TRIMBLE. I daresay there are some good people here you don't know. I'll run through it in the next room; it may give my brain a fillip. [He goes out. JELF enters. JELF. Carriage is at the door, sir. [JELF withdraws. MRs. BOMPAS. Going down to the House, Percy? BOMPAS. Yes, dear. [They sit cosily together', and she arranges a flower in his buttonhole. BOMPAS. May I drive you anywhere? MRS. BoMPAS. No, thanks. I've asked Miss Cazalet to pop in. BOMPAS. Kate Cazalet, the novelist? MRS. BOMPAS. Yes. I hear she's become the proprietress of a struggling little daily newspaper - the Morning Message. 24 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Never heard of it-won't live. A woman, too! MRS. BOMPAS. Isn't it ridiculous! Still, one may get one's gowns decently described; so I thought a cup of tea in a friendly, informal wayBOMPAS. Very good-natured of you, I'm sure. Give her my best wishes. MRS. BOMPAS. [Laying her hand upon his arm as he is going.] Percy, dear, are they beginning to make you feel more at home in the House? BOMPAS. Well-! MRS. BOMPAS. I wonder, darling, if your manner strikes them as being a little too-a little too pushing. BOMPAS. I shouldn't be surprised. But, you see, it's the only manner I've got. MRS. BOMPAS. I know, dear, I know. BOMPAS. And it comes natural to me. And if I don't push, Clara, I feel, somehow, that I'm not " in it." MRS. BOMPAS. But you are " in it," Percy. We're wealthy, with THE TIMES 25 a town house and a country one, wibh horses, carriages, servants, and twice as much of everything as we need. You should remind yourself of this constantly. BOMPAS. I do, I do, every minute of the day. I believe I'm sensitive, Clara. MRS. BOMPAS. About what? BOMPAS. Perhaps it's-the business. MRS. BOMPAS. The business will soon be a Company-" Bompas's Limited "-and you the Chairman. BOMPAS. Ah, but I've walked the shop a good deal in my time and-it's the same with a man that's been to sea-that tells its own tale. The other night I was bustling across the Members' lobby, in my own energetic way, you know, and I heard a voice near me saying, " What price, blankets?" MRS. BOMPAS. Infamous! BOMPAS. Of course it proceeded from an Irish member, but still Mrs. BOMPAS. Not Mr. McShane again? BOMPAS. Yes, that little beast, McShane. And then, ingratitude hurts me. I've been in the House a couple 26 THE TIMES of months, and what's the one question on which my opinion has been sought, the one point I've been consulted upon? MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes, you've told me. BOMPAS. The quality of the table-linen in the dining-room. Hah! However, wait! wait! MRS. BOMPAS. Bless you. BOMPAS. Well, good-bye, old lady. MRS. BOMPAS. [Putting her arms round his neck.] Good-bye, poor old man. [Brushing a tear away.] After all-we're very lucky, aren't we? BOMPAS. Rather!-and deserve to be. [MRS. BOMPAS sits at the table, humming a song happily. BOMPAS. Oh, I want my copy of the Labour Bill-it's in the library. JELF enters quietly, and approaches BOMPAS. They speak together unheard by MRS. BOMPAS. JELF. [In a whisper.] Sir. BOMPAS. What is it? THE TIMES 27 JELF. [Looking towards MRS. BOMPAS.] Hush, please, sir! Mr. Howard's come home. BOMPAS. Mr. Howard! JELF. I'm afraid everything's not quite right, sir-he cried when he saw me. BOMPAS. Where is he? JELF. In the library, sir-with some ladies. BoMPAs. With some-out of the way! [BOMPAs goes out hurriedly, followed by JELF. BERYL AND DENHAM come into the room. MRS. BOMPAS. Well, darlings? BERYL. Lord Lurgashall asked me to show him Richmond's portrait of myself, mamma. MRS. BOMPAS. Bless her! And did you notice Holl's picture of Mr. Egerton-Bompas, in the dining-room? DENHAM. Oh, yes. 28 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Doesn't it speak! We intend bequeathing it to the Carlton Club. [The door opens. JELF. [Announcing] Miss Cazalet--Miss Tuck. [JELF shows in Miss CAZALET, a vivacious, handsome, well-preserved and richly attired woman of about seven-and-thirty, and LucY, a pale, sadlooking girl, wearing spectacles, and almost shabbily dressed. MRS. BOMPAS. [Kissing MIss CAZALET.] So good of you to come! Miss CAZALET. What a charming house you have! [To BERYL.] How are you, dear? MRS. BOMPAS. Do you know Lord Lurgashall? Miss CAZALET. By his likeness to his papa, not otherwise. [DENHAM bows formally.] Lucy, dear. [To MRS. BOMPAS.] I so want to introduce my little niece, Lucy Tuck. MRS. BOMPAS. [To Lucy.] How do you do? THE TIMES 29 Miss CAZALET. Poor Lucy has broken down wofully at Newnham. Her feminine intellect has drawn the line at Latin Prose, and left her rubbing menthol into her brows from morning till night. MRS. BOMPAS. Dear child! BERYL. [Sympathetically.] Oh, mamma! Miss CAZALET. [To BERYL.] You girls are nearly of the same age -do tell her there is something in the world besides a First Class in the Classical Tripos. BERYL. [To LucY.] And have you a bad head this afternoon? LucY. Oh, yes. BERYL. When did it come on? LUCY. The year before last. BERYL. The year before last? Lucy. It isn't of so much consequence now I've left Newnham, only they say it makes me appear unsociable. 30 THE TIMES MISS CAZALET. [To MRS. BOMPAS, who has been chatting with her apart.] A thousand congratulations! May I announce it in my paper? MRS. BOMPAS. "Do. Miss CAZALET. Any date fixed? MRS. BOMPAS. [In a whisper.] Not yet. Miss CAZALET. By-the-way, I hope you all know that anybody who buys a copy of the Morning Message on and after Monday is bestowing a penny upon a hardworking, deserving woman. The Morning Message-ever heard of it? DENHAM. I must confess IMiss CAZALET. Ah, I thought not. JELF enters, carrying a silver tray with tea-things. BERYL pours out tea. MIss CAZALET. Poor little journal-it's only six months old and very weak, like a rickety baby! I'm goi1ng to nurse it into vitality. [To DENHAM.] Isn't it bold, eh? DENHAM. Extremely. THE TIMES 3I Miss CAZALET. You mean brazen! [Catching BERYL'S eye.] Two lumps, please, dear, and cream. MRS. BOMPAS. You must be careful not to lose your money. Miss CAZALET. Oh, that's all right. A dear good friend in the City, who believes in me, has bought the paper for that [snapping her finJers], and has given it to me as a-as a birthday present. [DENHAM hands MIss CAZALET a cup of tea: she declines cake. Miss CAZALET. No, thanks; I'm too full of the Morning Message to eat-excuse my coarseness. DENHAM. H'm! Miss CAZALET. My City friend furnishes the Money Article, naturally. DENHAM. [To himself.] I'll be bound he does. Miss CAZALET. I do Society, the Opera and the Play, and perhaps Ascot and Cowes. MRS. BOMPAS. Don't overtax yourself, dear. THE TIMES Miss CAZALET. Oh, of course I have a man Editor and all sorts of nice things of that kind about me-to save me the fag, you know. MRS. BOMPAS. [Taking tea.] Thanks. And you think a woman really possesses the authority-? Miss CAZALET. Authority! Why the staff already kiss the ground I walk on. At 18 Boswell Court, second flooroffice of the M. M.-I'm a queen, my dears, inky but absolute. It's glorious! MRS. BOMPAS. And so, on MondayMiss CAZALET. And every morning, you'll each buy the Message, please-my Message! [To each and all.] Will you? Will you? Will you? MRS. BOMPAS, DENHAM, BERYL. Certainly. Miss CAZALET. Thanks, awfully. Three-pence! [Quietly to MRS. BoMPAS.] Oh, may I speak to you, dear? MRS. BOMPAS. Quietly? Miss CAZALET. [To Lucy.] Lucy, I want you to tell dear Mrs. Egerton-Bompas-come here. [Miss CAZALET and LucY talk confidentially with MRS. BOMPAS. THE TIMES 33 BERYL. [To DENHAM, handing his tea.] What is your impression of Miss Cazalet? DENHAM. [Sipping his tea.] Sweet. BERYL. Really? DENHAM. The tea. BERYL. Who is she? I don't think we know her very well. DENHAM. She is one of Sir George Cazalet's many beautiful daughters. BERYL. Quite a lady, then? DENHAM. He was quite a gentleman. BERYL. What has been her career? DENHAM. After poor old Sir George's death she wrote realistic novels, untilBERYL. Until-? DENHAM. Until realism was exhausted, Mudie alienated, and Smith shocked. c 34 THE TIMES BERYL. Why this journalistic craze? DENHAM. Oh, morphia, brandy, or ink - all uneradiuable habits in a woman. BERYL. I see you don't like her. DENHAM. Well-I'd rather you did not. Good gracious I It has just struck me-suppose my mother finds her here! It can't be helped. BERYL. What do you mean? DENHAM. It's an absurd old story, Beryl-may I confide it to you? This lady was once included in a country-house party with my mother and father. It pleased my dear mother, who is a woman, to be ridiculously jealous. BERYL. Of Miss Cazalet? DENHAM. The affair was perfectly foundationless, but my father, as an assertion of his independence, thought proper when he returned to town-to call. BERYL. On Miss Cazalet? DENHAM. Yes. Ever since then my mother has hated THE TIMES 35 BERYL. Not your father! DENHAM. No-Miss Cazalet. BERYL. Hark I Is that Lady Ripstow's carriage? [BERYL and DENHAM look out of window. MRS. BOMPAS. [To Miss CAZALET.] I declare, it's quite sweet of you. Miss CAZALET. No, no-I regard my poor niece as a very precious responsibility. But she would be so much happier for some employment-not the newspaper, the mere mention of that makes her head fall in two-something placid, something mouselike. MRS. BOMPAS. [Making notes.] I'll consult Percy. You suggest---? Miss CAZALET. She would be a soothing companion for an old lady. MRs. BOMPAS. There are so many old ladies, too. MIss CAZALET. Yes, if they'd only admit it. Or as tutor to some backward or delicate girl. MRS. BOMPAS. There! MIss CAZALET. You dear woman! [ producing a note-book.] What gown do you wear at the opera on Saturday night? 36 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. One of Mrs. Weatherhill's. The skirt is yellow silk brocaded with tiny pompadour bouquets of flowers. Round the hem, three festooned flounces of pale yellow chiffon[JELF shows in LADY RIPSTOW and withdraws. LADY RIPSTOW. Has Lurgashall gone? MRS. BOMPAS. No. [MIss CAZALET looks up from her note-book; she and LADY RIPSTOW recognise each other. MRS. BOMPAS. [To LADY RIPSTOW.] Let me introduce my friend, Miss Cazalet. MIss CAZALET. [Ofering her hand.] I think we've met before, haven't we? [LADY RIPSTOW regards her with a cold stare, then turns to DENHAM. LADY RIPSTOW. Denham Miss CAZALET. [To LUCY.] She cut me! That woman cut me! Oh, if ever I have the chance-! [BOMPAS enters the room, his face pale, his hair disordered, his manner much discomposed. THE TIMES 37 MRS. BOMPAS. Percy I BOMPAS. [Whispering to her.] Get rid of 'em, get rid of 'em LADY RIPSTOW. [To MRS. BoMPAs.] Good-bye. [To BOMPAS.] Good bye! BOMPAS. Good-bye, Lady Ripstow. Remember me to Lord Ripstow, I beg. What was I going to say? [LADY RIPSTOW goes out with BERYL. DENHAM. [Shaking hands with MR. and MRS. BOMPAS.] We shall meet to-night, I hope. BOMPAS. Somewhere or other-somewhere or other. [DENHAM goes out. Miss CAZALET. [Shaking hands with MRs. BOMPAS.] Good-bye, dear. MRS. BOMPAS. Must you go So sorry. [MRS. BOMPAS rings the bell. BOMPAS. [Shaking hands with Miss CAZALET.] Good luck to your paper-meets a want-I was saying so this afternoon. 38' THE TIMES Miss CAZALET. How well you're looking! Good-bye! [JELF appears, and shows Miss CAZALET and Lucy out. MRS. BOMPAS. What's the matter? BOMPAS. [Wildly.] The matter! MRS. BOMPAS. [Shaking his arm.] Percy! TRIMBLE enters, with the visiting-list and some sheets of paper, but remains in the background. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! Speak to me! BOMPAS. Howard! MRS. BOMPAS. My boy! There's something wrong! You've got a letter from him! Percy, he's not ill! He's not-! BOMPAS. Worse-married! MRS. BOMPAS. Married! My child-married I BOMPAS. Hah! MRs. BOMPAS. Married-whom! THE TIMES 39 BOMPAS. Say what! A nobody-a nothing-an ignorant, ill-bred hussy I Mis. BOMPAS. No, no! BOMPAS. A low trollop you daren't show to your friends -a slut that's not good enough for our kitchen! [MRS. BOMPAS throws herself upon the settee in hysterics, as BERYL enters. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Ha, ha, ha, ha I Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! BERYL. Mamma! TRIMBLE. My dear Mrs. E-B! MRS. BOMPAS. My boy-my child'-my poor boy I BOMPAS. Be quiet! BERYL. What has happened? MRs. BOMPAS. Your brother has married somebody. BERYL. Married I 40 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Ha, ha, ha BOMPAS. Monty, we can trust you; Beryl, hold your tongue! BERYL. [To TRIMBLE.] A little water! [TRIMBLE runs out, BERYL holds a vinaigrette to MRS. BOMPAS'S nose. BOMPAS. Disgraced! disgraced! Just as I was getting on I BERYL. Be silent, papa! BOMPAS. Cards flowing in-flowing in- from the best people! The Maharaja about to dine here! And Lurgashall -just as we are engaged to Lurgashall It will fall through! BERYL. Oh, don't 1 Look at mamma I BOMPAS. Look at mamma! Look at me I TRIMBLE re-enters hurriedly with a glass of water-- BOMPAS stretches out his handfor it. BOMPAS. Ah I TRIMBLE. No, no, it's for your wife. THE TIMES 41 BOMPAS. Oh! It will be broken off-our engagement-to Lurgashall-broken off! [MRS. BOMPAS recovers, and sits up faintly. MRS. BOMPAS. [To BOMPAS.] Tell me., BOMPAS. It appears that Howard hasn't been near Oxford for more than a couple of months. MRS. BOMPAS. But we've received letters from him written on his club paper. BOMPAS. Asking for supplies-hah, he managed that. BERYL. Where has he been, papa? BoMPAs. At that little out-of-the-way-hole in WalesBERYL. Llannyllyth? BOMPAS. Llannyllyth, where he and young Parker and Giltspur went to read. To read! MRS. BOMPAS. I told you I didn't believe in reading-parties. He'd much better have come home to learn his lessons; I'd have found time to hold the book for him. 42 IHE TIMES ROMPAS. Well, the other fellows, Parker and Giltspur, returned to collegeMRS. BOMPAS. Without Howard? BOMPAS. Yes, he made some excuse to remain behind. Faugh! MRS. BOMPAS. Why? BOMPAS. Why! Why! BERYL. Papa, don't! TRIMBLE. My dear, E-B! BOMPAS. Why! So that he might marry-so that he might marry-his landlady's daughter. MRS. BOMPAS. His landlady's-! BoMPAS. The daughter of a common creature named Dooley or Hooley-an Irish widow. MRs. BOMPAm Irish! THE TIMES 43 BOMPAS. A pauper who seems to have got stuck in the mud at Llannyllyth, on her way from Ireland, for want of funds. Funds! The dear lady's got another to keep now! MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, no, no! BOMPAS. [Staring before him wildly.] There will be one lodging-house at Llannyllyth where a young man is engaged to clean boots and windows I BERYL. Papal TRIMBLE. Really, E-B I BOMPAS. Apartments for families-pleasant view of the glorious vale of Llannyllyth! Door opened by my boy's wife's mother, in curl-papers! Chambermaid, my daughter-in-law! Only lodging-house in the Principality with a butler-my son and heir! BERYL. Papa, you are exaggerating! If there is any truth at all in this horrid reportBOMPAS. Truth! BERYL. I am certain the reality is far less terrible than the story you tell us. Let us read it for ourselvesshow us the letter. 44 7HE TIMES BOMPAS. The letter I BERYL. Isn't there a letter? How do you know all this? BOMPAS. Oh, yes, of course-I haven't mentionedHowARD EGERTON-BOMPAS, a commonplace, heavy young man, of about one-and-twenty, looking very wretched and upset, enters quietly. HOWARD. Ma MRS. BOMPAS. Oh! BERYL. Howard I HOWARD. I want to know what's going to be done. MRS. BOMPAS. [Kissing him.] My boy! HOWARD. All right, ma dear. I s'pose you've heard all about it. BERYL. Papa has told us. HOWARD. Hullo, Monty! TRIMBLE. Er-um-ah-good afternoon. HOWARD. Here's a mess, Monty. THE TIMES 45 TRIMBLE. You are right, dear young friend. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, Howard, whatever made you do a thing like this? HOWARD. I dun' know. BERYL. You must know, Howard. HOWARD. Well, I s'pose a sort of lonely feeling came over me -I dun' know. And then I got fogged over my Constitutional Law-I dun' know. And then my head seemed to swell. And then HonoriaMRS. BOMPAS. Honoria HOWARD. My wife. MRS. BOMPAS. Ah! HOWARD. Honoria used to lay the cloth. MRS. BOMPAS. Yes? HOWARD. Well, Honoria used to lay the cloth. MRS. BOMPAS. You've said that, darling. 46 THE TIMES HOWARD. Well, Honoria used to lay the cloth -and so I mai ried her at the Registry Office. MRS. BOMPAS. Not even in church? HOWARD. I'm telling you-at the little Registry Office at Abergaron. It can't get about; my chums never guessed I was in love, and my two witnesses were a deaf gardener and a chalk labourer; and I can hook it to Australia, or the Cape, and our fine friends won't be a bit the wiser. And if people ask what's become of me, you can say-well, I dun' know. MRS. BOMPAS. [Putting her arms around his neck.] Australia! HOWARD. Oh, let a fellow breathe! MRS. BOMPAS. You stifle him, Beryl. Tell me, what is she like? HOWARD. Jolly pretty, I think. BERYL. Is she fairly educated, Howard? HOWARD. What does tli;.t i aecri? BERYL. Oh, Howard! THE TIMES 47 HOWARD. No, she's not fairly educated. I've tried to teach her how to spell a little, and I've found out I don't know how to spell, myself. So I'm not fairly edutated; and I suppose you'd call me a representative young English gentleman. MRS. BOMPAS. And-and-the mother? HOWARD. Mrs. Hooley? MRS. BOMPAS. Is she-nice? HOWARD. I dun' know. BERYL. You must know, Howard. HOWARD. Look here, one would think I was being ragged by the Warden! I won't stand it! Recollect, I-II'm a married man! BOMPAS. Now then, now then, how dare you! HOWARD. You see I'm upset. If you want to quiz my new people, and-and-disparage them, they're sitting in the libraryMRS. BOMPAS. Here! BERYL. Mamma I 48 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Percy, why haven't I been told this? I demand to see iy. on's wife! Take me downstairs, instantly! BOMPAS. No, no-not another scene there, with a couple of servants in the hall. I'll-no-Monty, you're a stranger, they won't howl so much with you. Get 'em out of the library and sneak 'em up here. [TRIMBLE goes out. MRS. BOMPAS. Why didn't you bring your wife alone? Why the mother? Surely the mother would have kept for a week or two. HOWARD. I didn't want to bring Mrs. Hooley. Do you think I'm a fool? BERYL. For shame, Howard! HOWARD. Why, I hadn't the cash to bring anybody. I was stoney-broke; you can't marry without extra expenses. It's Mrs. Hooley who's brought me!third-class too, like a cad! BOMPAS. I hear them! Ahhh! quiet! quiet I MRS. BOMPAS. Is my hair all right, Beryl? BERYL. Yes, mamma. [TRIMBLE returnzs. THE TIMES 49 TRIMBLE. Come in, pray come in! [HONORIA, an ordinarily pretty Irish girl of about eighteen, rather showily dressed, and MRS. HOOLEY, her mother, a " genteel "person of eight-and-thirty, not very tidy in appearance, enter timidly amid gloomy silence. They have both been weeping. TRIMBLE. I think Mr.-and Mrs.-Egerton-Bompas would like you to sit down. BOMPAS. [To HONORIA and MRS. HOOLEY.] Be seated. [HONORIA and MRS. HOOLEY sit, and continue sobbing at intervals. MRS. BOMPAS. Mrs. -? MRS. HOOLEY. [Speaking with a slight brogue.] Hooley - Kathleen Hooley, widow of Captain Patrick Fagan Hooley. BOMPAS. Captain? MRS. HOOLEY. Captain of the ferry-boat at Kilbrain, north of Ireland. He fell into the water fifteen years ago in time to be spared the trouble that's come upon us. MRS. BOMPAs. Trouble that's come upon us! You've brought it on us D So THE TIMES MRs. HOOLEY. Indeed I've not, ma'am! BOMPAS. Pooh! MRS. HOOLEY. No, sir, I've not; and though I'm a widow in trifling circumstances, and haven't a living relation but my one child, I wouldn't have sought to better myself by bringing distress upon gentlefolk-not to wear a coronet upon my brow! HONORIA. That's true, ma'am. It's been all the sly doing of me and the young gentleman. Why did I consent to it? MRS. HOOLEY. I was away from Llannyllyth for a couple of days, ma'am, leaving the cottage in Honoria's keeping while I took the cattle-boat to Kilbrain to inquire after a little furniture I'd stored there years ago. BoMPAS. Yah! bah, bah! MRS. HOOLEY. And when I got home last night, slightly prematurely, I looked up at my cottage and saw but one light burning, and that in my own modest sittingroom. And I said to myself, " the young gentleman's fatigued with his reading, and he's gone to bed with an aching head, that's evident." MRs. BOMPAS. Well, well, well I THE TIMES 5I MRS. HOOLEY. So I let myself in with my key and walked quietly into my modest sitting-room, and there I saw Honoria, on one side of the table, darning the young gentleman's socks, and the young gentleman himself on the other side with a pipe in his mouth and his feet resting on the mantelpiece among my little ornaments and lustres. BOMPAS. Last night! You haven't lost much time in paying us a visit. MRS. HOOLEY. No, sir, because I thought the sooner the entire family had a meeting the better. BOMPAS. The entire--! MRS. HOOLEY. So that we might all look one another in the face, sir, as we are now doing, and put a simple question to each other. MRS. BOMPAS. A question? MRS. HOOLEY. The question, ma'm-what is to be done BOMPAS. I'll answer that-! BERYL. Papa dear. Let me make the first suggestion. [Sitting beside HONORIA.] Oh, do please let me! 52 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Clara I MRS. BOMPAS. Beryl! BERYL. It is, that we answer the question, " What is to be done? " [taking HONORIA'S hand] by deciding to make the best of it. HONORIA. Oh MRS. HOOLEY. My dear young lady! BOMPAS. How dare you, how dare you, how dare you! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! Percy! [BERYL quickly takes HONORIA and MRS. HOOLEY apart; they are joined by HOWARD, and talk together in whispers. BOMPAS. How dare she! A nice couple of children I've got. One marries a trollop, the other-the other makes the best of it! MRS. BOMPAS. I don't know what's come over her. [Joining the others.] Beryl! BOMPAS. The best of it I! The best of it! Hah, the best of it 1 [Glaring at TRIMBLE, who is quietly eating lumps of sugar.] Complacent ass! [To TRIMBLE.] Well? THE TIMES 53 TRIMBLE. My sweet tooth. BOMPAS. I'm glad my misfortunes don't affect you. TRIMBLE. On the contrary, dear E-B, I was just thinking-- BOMPAS. Thinking. Not of a way out of it? TRIMBLE. No, no-of a way round it. BOMPAS. Eh? TRIMBLE. Being a non-smoker, munching always helps me to ponder, and I was recalling a case in point. BOMPAS. A case in point? Case in-? Similar? TRIMBLE. Well, it was the instance of a dear friend of mine -a member of the Upper House, by-the-by-a dear friend of mine, whose boy, having fallen in love with a common little provincial shop-girl, did the wrong thing by her and surreptitiously married her. BOMPAS. That's similar. A peer too-it happens to the best of us! Well? 54 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. Well, that girl was unencumbered by relatives-- BOMPAS. LikeTRIMBLE. Like these good people. It was hearing the widow say she's minus relations that put this old affair into my head. [Taking another piece of sugar.] Excuse me. BOMPAS. But what was done? What was done? What was done? TRIMBLE. Why, my dear old friend, Lord-but I must be careful-my dear old friend hit upon a somewhat daring idea. He never revealed the circumstance of his son's clandestine marriage. BOMPAS. What good did that-? TRIMBLE. Wait. Keeping this marriage a secret, he created for the poor girl, entirely out of his imagination, a decent if not distinguished parentage and a thoroughly creditable past, into which, owing to its fictitiousness, it was naturally impossible for his friends to pry. BOMPAS. He pretended the girl-was a-lady, you mean TRIMBLE. Certainly-and he made her one. He took her to THE TIMES 55 his heart-dear fellow!-had her manners and her orthography duly polished, and eventually he presented to the world as the fiancee of his son a young person fitted in all outward essentials to adorn Society. BOMPAS. By Jove! TRIMBLE. The wedding took place at St. Peter's, Seaton Square. Everybody was radiant and happy, especially the boy's father. BOMPAS. The father! TRIMBLE. Yes - pardonably proud of having saved Society from a scandal and his son from a mesalliance. BOMPAS. But it was a fraud, a cheat, a humbug! TRIMBLE. Well, well - but everybody was benefited. Of course, I really ought not to have mentioned it, dear E-B, only the likeness between the two casesBOMPAS. But you wouldn't-if you had a boy who made a fool of himself-you wouldn't-you wouldn't-would you? TRIMBLE. Dear friend, I frankly own that in such a predicament I should do all a father could do to-to --to preserve his son's self-respect. 56 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Oh TRIMBLE. It was in that parental spirit that I assisted Lord -, my other dear old friend. BOMPAS. You-you helped him? TRIMBLE. Yes. [Taking another lump of sujar.] BOMPAS. [To himself.] No, no-you'd do it, but I wouldn't. After all, fair trade hasn't done so badly for me, and, if it wasn't for Clara, I sometimes think I'd-I'd[MRs. HOOLEY'S voice rises discordantly above the others for a moment. BOMPAS. Ugh! Monty! Tell me your plan again 1 Tell me again I END OF THE FIRST ACT. THE SECOND ACT The scene is the same; it is a summer morning, a month later than the events of the preceding Act. MRS. BOMPAS sits alone, meditating upon a letter she holds in her hand. She does not notice JELF, who stands by the door awaiting her orders. JELF. The bell rang, ma'am. MRS. BOMPAS. Eh? Oh, yes. Tell them upstairs that Miss Mountrafford's new governess arrives to-day atwhat time? Where is Miss Cazalet's note? Oh! [reading to herself] "Dearest Mrs. Egerton-Bompas, how delightful of you to offer to take my little niece into your household as Miss Mountrafford's help and companion. As for Lucy, she is dying to devote herself to your son's charmingfiancee. I'll bring her to you myself to-morrow morning at eleven--" [to JELF] Miss Tuck will be here at eleven. JELF. Yes, ma'am. [JELF leaves the room as BERYL conme in, dressedfor going out. 58 THE TIMES BERYL. [Coldly.] Good morning, mamma. MRS. BOMPAS. Are you off out, dear? BERYL. Lady Ripstow and Lord Lurgashall are coming for me at eleven, to take me to see Burne-Jones's pictures. MRS. BOMPAS. You haven't kissed me, Beryl. BERYL. [Kissing her forehead.] I forgot. MRS. BoMPAS. [To herself.] Forgot! BERYL. [Constrainedly.] How is papa to-day? MRS. BOMPAS. I've not seen him yet. The House sat late and he slept in his dressing-room, to avoid disturbing me. How unkind you are to all of us, Beryl l BERYL. I can't help it. MRS. BOMPAS. And how rude you were to Mrs. Mountrafford and Miss Mountrafford at Lady Cleaver's party last night. THE TIMES 59 BERYL. Mrs. Mountrafford! You mean Mrs. Hooley I Mrs. BOMPAS. Hush! BERYL. Miss Mountrafford! My brother Howard's wife! MRS. BOMPAS. Be quiet! BERYL. I feel I can't remain quiet! I have an impulse to rush on to the balcony, or on to the doorstep, and cry out to the passers-by, "Look here, this is a house of imposture!" MRS. BOMPAS. Don't shout like that! BERYL. And when Denham calls-Denham, who believes so in my truthfulness-I am in danger of looking straight into his eyes and saying " Denham, Howard is married-married-and this is the house which contains his young wife and Mrs. Hooley, her silly, simpering mother!" MRs. BOMPAS. You'll be heard! BERYL. "Yes, yes, yes-this is the house where two humble, ignorant people are dressed up, and made images of, and called Mountrafford, but they are nothing but Hooleys, Hooleys, Hooleys '" 6o THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. You'll drive me distracted! I shan't be able to struggle through the season! BERYL. [Picking up a newspaper.] More of it! Have you seen this? MRS. BOMPAS. No-yes-I don't know-of course I have. BERYL. One of the " High Life " paragraphs in this week's Womankind. [Reading.] " The elements of romance are certainly not wanting in connection with the approaching marriage of Mr. Howard Egerton-Bompas, the son of the popular member for St. Swithin's, and the wealthy Miss Corisande Shafto Honoria Mountrafford, whose advent with her delightful mother has already done much to interest and charm society." How awful! MRS. BOMPAS. Monty-Mr. Trimble-made these people Mountraffords. It has been considered advisable. It is scarcely for women like ourselves to question the wisdom of men like papa and Monty Trimble. BERYL. [Reading.] "We can only hope that Mrs. Moun trafford will some day find leisure to publish a briet history of her extraordinary missionary labours among the American aborigines." MRS. BOMPAS. We were obliged to account for her past in a THE TIMES 61 creditable way. We have been guided solely by Monty. BERYL. [Reading.] " Surely even the varied pages of fiction present nothing more fascinating than the picture of this philanthropic widow-lady and her fair-haired daughter dwelling for years in almost intimate association with the rude remnants of the scattered Indian tribes." MRS. BOMPAS. D-d-don't, Beryl, don't. BERYL. I will! MRS. BOMPAS. Hush! Here she is. BERYL. Mrs. Hooley I MRS. BOMPAS. No-Mountrafford. BERYL. Hooley. MRS. BOMPAS. Mountrafford I BERYL. [Flourishing the journal.] Hooley, Hooley, Hooley! MRS. HOOLEY and HONORIA, both fashionably dressed, enter the room. MRS. HOOLEY. Good morning, Mrs. Egerton-Bompas-good morning, Beryl dear. Did you fear you'd never see us 62 THE TIMES this beautiful morning? Oh, the fascinating party last night! HONORIA. [Speaking with her mouth full of sweetmeats.] Good morning. Will you taste my pralines? [MRS. BOMPAS and BERYL decline. MRS. HOOLEY. [Posing.] I'm anxious for your opinion on my new frock. My maid declares it's Honoria's sister I'll get taken for. MRs. BoMPAs. I'm afraid the woman means the gown is too youthful for you. MRS. HOOLEY. And why should I have years put on me when I'm just commencirg to enjoy life? Do you fancy I require taking-in anywhere? [MRS. BOMPAS arranges MRS. HOOLEY'S dress. HONORIA. [To BERYL.] Another day, and you'll not be good friends with me? BERYL. I want to be friends with you, very badly-only friendship must be founded on mutual respect, mustn't it? HONORIA. No, must it [Popping a sweetmeat into her mouth.] Sure, I don't know. THE TIMES 63 BERYL. Of course it must. And how can we respect each other? HONORIA. And why not, will you tell me? BERYL. Why, you couldn't respect a girl you found telling a-a lie, could you HoNORIA. Oh, yes, I could, if I liked her well enough. BERYL. Ah, you'll never see things rightly! [Showing her the newspaper.] Look there! you couldn't be good friends with a girl who lived and acted all that, could you? HONORIA. Oh, mother darling, here's more about us-here's more about us! [MRS. HOOLEY and HONORIA read the paper together. MRS. HOOLEY. Ah, look at this now! Oh, the complimentary allusions! HONORIA. See here, mother 1 Oh, the flattering comments! JELF enters, and at the same moment a few chords on a piano in another room are heard. MRS. BOMPAS. What's that? 64 THE TIMES JELF. Mrs. Cormanti and her young lady assistants are here, ma'am. [He goes out. MRS. BOMPAS. The dancing-mistress, in the coral drawing-room! MRS. HOOLEY. Sure, we're taking our lessons there now because of the beautiful floor. Do you mind what follows the waltz this morning, Honoria, darling? HONORIA. I do, mother-the Dance of the Sylphs. MRS. BOMPAS. The Dance of the Sylphs! MRS. HOOLEY. It's an elegant pas de doo-for two people-Honoria and me! MRS. BOMPAS. You MRS. HOOLEY. And why not? It'll be wanted during the season, Madame Cormanti says, for the cause of some blessed charity. [The piano is heard again.] We're coming, Madame Cormanti dear, we're coming! [MRS. HOOLEY and HONORIA leave the room. BERYL. Oh, m&mma, mamma! [JELF appears at the door. THE TIMES JELF. Mr. Trimble is coming upstairs, ma'am. BERYL. How I detest that man! [She goes out, as TRIMBLE enters gaily. TRIMBLE. Aha, dear Mrs. E-B! MRS. BOMPAS. I am glad you're in town again. TRIMBLE. My poor dear brother is so much better that I was able to get back last night, just in time to pop in to Lady Cleaver's. It cheered me to meet you all there; ah, the anxiety of nursing the sick-terrible! Dear E-B not visible yet, I hear. MRS. BOMPAS. No. TRIMBLE. knd our new dear friends, Mrs.-ah-Mountrafford and Miss Mountrafford-what progress have they made in the arts and graces while I've been away? Are we putting the finishing touches, h'm? [The air of a waltz is heard. MRS. BOMPAS. They are taking their dancing-lesson now. TRIMBLE. Good. And the younger lady's French-we are jelping her with a few indispensable phrases? E 66 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Ah, I was obliged to pack off the French governess in a hurry. TRIMBLE. Why? MRS. BOMPAS. She pried too much. TRIMBLE. H'm, dangerous. Get somebody else. MRS. BOMPAS. I've engaged Miss Tuck, Kate Cazalet's little niece. TRIMBLE. The relative of a friend-is that quite judicious? MRS. BOMPAS. The poor girl always has a headache, and seems too spiritless to be inquisitive. TRIMBLE. Well, well, then everything is going on charmingly. [Eating a lozenge.] Really, I am not a sentimental man, but I do think we ought to feel profoundly grateful. MRS. EOMPAS. Grateful? TRIMBLE. When we consider how eminently presentable these dear people are. I watched them at Lady Cleaver's last night, and I felt proud of my small share in improving their condition in life, honestly proud. Yes, THE TIMES 67 dear friend, let us feel deeply grateful, unreservedly happy. M1RS. BOMPAS. Monty--- I TRIMBLE. You're not worried about anything surely! MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, there's something I'm keeping from Percy. TRIMBLE. Keeping from him? MRS. BOMPAS. Well, haven't told him. His temper has become so ungovernable since our misfortune that I'm almost frightened to tell him. Here! Monty-Heaven forgive me for my vulgarity!-but this confounded Irish widow has actually picked up a sweetheart. TRIMBLE. No! Why didn't you write to me? Has it gone far? MRS. BOMPAS. He's after her every hour of the day; he left a note here yesterday--here, with some flowers. TRIMBLE. Who's the beast? MRs. BOMPAS. Why, the creature my husband hates of all men in the world; that's the reason I've held my tongue, hoping I was wrong in my conclusions. 68 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. Well, but who, who, who? MRS. BOMPAS. The little reptile who ridicules Percy in the House, the member for Ballymara. TRIMBLE. Mr. McShane! MRS. BOMPAS. Timothy McShane. TRIMBLE. Damn! Ah, excuse my breach of manners-I haven't sworn for years. MRS. BOMPAS. Sit down. TRIMBLE. Dear Mrs. E-B! MRS. BOMPAS. The silly woman met him first at Mrs. Shekleton's crush, the night Honoria made her debut as Miss Mountrafford. Of course, after all, she's only eightand-thirty, and she wore one of my diamond necklaces. TRIMBLE. I know-I know. MRS. BOMPAS. Well, the Sunday following I fell over them with their heads together at Church Parade. And this last week I've seen them everywhere-picturegalleries-shops THE TIMES 69 TRIMBLE. Bless my soul! MRS. BOMPAS. And, if they are really in love, the volcano we're all sitting upon? TRIMBLE. I certainly perceive-- MRS. BOMPAS. That she's a weak-brained, vain prudence, no-noTRIMBLE. No invention! don't you realise creature with no MRS. BOMPAS. And suppose the fool of a man proposes to her TRIMBLE. Why, you don't apprehend-! MRS. BOMPAS. Suppose in a moment of middle-aged emotion she confided in him. Confided? Our secret. Oh! TRIMBLE. MRS. BOMPAS. TRIMBLE. MRS. BOMPAS. She couldn't marry without doing so. Monty, in mercy's name, shut your mouth and collect yourself! 70 THE TIMES TRIP MBLE. My dear Mrs. E-B, I-I frankly, I-I candidly admit this is a contingency which even I did not anticipate. JELF enters, carrying a large basket offlowers. JELF. For Mrs. Mountrafford, ma'am. MRs. BOMPAS. Stop! ID-d-don't disturb Mrs. Mountrafford now. P-put it down. [JELF deposits the basket on the table and goes out. MRS. BOMPAS. What did I tell you! TRIMBLE. His card is attached to it. MRS. BOMPAS. I saw that. TRIMBLE. [Reading card.] "Mr. Timothy McShane." A message, in pencil. MRS. BOMPAS. I thought so. Read it! TRIMBLE. Forgive me, dear Mrs. E-B-certain things I "cannot do. [He hands the basket to MRS. BOMPAS; she recads the message. THE TIMES 71 MRS. BOMPAS. Ah I TRIMBLE. Pray relieve my anxiety. MRS. BOMPAS. " Shall present myself in the course of the day to settle matters." TRIMBLE. This gentleman is unmistakably serious in his intentions. MRS. BOMPAS. Advise me. TRIMBLE. Dear E-B must put his foot down at once. MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes. But what a scene there will be! Who is to tell him. Monty, will you? TRIMBLE. No, no-you break the ice. I must not be suspected of a desire to unduly intrude. [JELF appears. JELF. Miss Cazalet-Miss Tuck. MRS. BOMPAS. Bother the people-at this moment! [Miss CAZALET enters iwith LucY TUCK. JELF withdraws. 72 THE TIMES MISS CAZALET. [Kissing MRs. BOMPAS.] Dear Mrs. Egerton-Bompas! MRS. BOMPAS. So pleased to see you. Miss CAZALET. I've brought my little mouse. How d'ye do, Mr. Trimble? TRIMBLE. We meet too seldom. LucY. [To Mus. BOMPAS.] I will do my best to be serviceable to you and Miss--M1iss-Mountrafford, is it? MRS. BOMPAS. Y-yes, Mountrafford. LucY. Ah, you don't know how much it means to me to feel independent. MRS. BOMPAS. Child! LucY. I-I mean, to feel myself not a burden uponupon my-my-my aunt. MRS. BOMPAS. I'll call Honoria. [She opens the door.] Honoria I Oh, that ridiculous old woman! The dance of the Sylphs! Stop! [She goes out, and the music ceases. THE TIMES 73 Miss CAZALET. [To TRIMBLE.] Now it's truly friendly of you to ask after the Morning Message. TRIMBLE. One of the most valuable newspapers in London, 1 consider. Miss CAZALET. You know I call it my poor, ailing, rickety baby. Well, the Morning Mfessage is-teething. It may outlive its infantile complaintsTRIMBLE. It must. Miss CAZALET. But, oh, people won't advertise as much as a lost dog in it. And then, I have such trouble with its nurses-I mean, its editors. TRIMBLE. [Smothering a yawn.] I'm profoundly sorry. Miss CAZALET. The first was knocked down by a four-wheeler, and is now contributing a depressing series of articles called " Happy Hospitals." The second departed abruptly last night. TRIMBLE. Ill? Miss CAZALET. Heartbroken; wanted to marry-you know whom. And I'm left with a sub-editor with a large head and limited experience. Oh! All my life I've tired of a new toy after a fortnight, and I've been the real live 74 THE TIMES proprietress of this influential journal for a whole month! Ugh! HONORIA enters with MRS. BOMPAS. Miss CAZALET. [Kissing HONORIA.] My dear Miss Mountrafford. [Lucy and HONORIA shake hands. HONORIA. [To LucY.] I'm glad you've come. LucY. Oh, thank you. HONORIA. [Confidentially.] We'll have a fine time of it if you'll not bother me with your instruction. Have a praline? MRS. BOMPAS. Honoria, take Miss Tuck upstairs yourself, and make her feel at home. IIONORIA. I'll do that. [HONORIA and Lucy go out, Miss CAZALET. Let me see my little mouse's gilded cage-may I? [She follows HONORIA and LucY. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh! all these people! [To TRIMBLE.] Monty, Monty, find out if Percy is in the library yet; if so, tell him I must speak to him at once, at once. THE TIMES 75 TRIMBLE. Bless me, yes-at once. Dear Mrs. E-BMRS. BOMPAS. What now! TRIMBLE. II'm, I don't think I should make such a very close friend of Miss Cazalet. MRS. BOMPAS. She makes herself a friend. TRIMBLE. I should check it. I always recommend that friendships should be regulated with a view to future dis agreements. MRS. BOMPAS. But we are not going to disagree. TRIMBLE. I hope not; I'm sure she's not a person one would derive any pleasure from offending. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, try and find Percy! TRIMBLE. Ah, dear E-B. [He goes out, as JELF appears at the door. JELF. Lady Ripstow and Lord Lurgashall are waiting for Miss Beryl in their carriage, ma'am. 76 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. I'll find Miss Beryl and bring her downstairs. [She goes out quickly. JELF. [At the door.] I wasn't aware that your ladyship was coming up. LADY RIPSTOW and DENHAM enter. JELF withdraws. LADY RIPSTOW. Yes, Denham, I have indeed observed a serious change in Beryl. DENHAM. It worries me dreadfully, mother. LADY RIPSTOW. A coolness of manner-- DENHAM. Towards myself. LADY RIPSTOW. Even to me. An abruptness of speechDENHAM. To both of us. LADY RIPSTOW. Followed by a suffusion of the eyes. DENHAM. For the life of me, I can't guess the reason. LADY RIPSTOW. Ah, but I can. THE TIMES 77 DENHAM. Mother! LADY RIPSTOW. Unless I am gravely mistaken, the pardonable cause of Beryl's distress of mind is-will you hear it? DENHAM. Go on. LADY RIPSTOW. It is that, notwithstanding all the diplomatic advances of the Egerton-Bompases, your father has never called. DENHAM. Bah! LADY RIPSTOW. Denham! Miss CAZALET enters, and is momentarily disconcerted at seeing LADY RIPSTOW and DENHAM. Miss CAZALET. Oh, how d'ye do? And how do you do, Lady Ripstow? LADY RIPSTOW. Miss Cazalet! Miss CAZALET. And how is Lord Ripstow? DENHAM. [Placing himself between LADY RIPSTOW and Miss CAZALET.] In spite of advancing years Lord Ripstow has only one infirmity, Miss Cazalet. Miss CAZALET. Only one now And that - - 73 THE TIMES DENHAM. The infirmity of forgetting certain former acquaintances. MIss CAZALET. Or of brooding over them. Poor old age! LADY RIPSTOW. [To DENHAM.] The second time this has occurred! DENHAM. I hear, her nieceLADY RIPSTOW. Before to-day is over Mrs. Egerton-Bompas shall know that if that woman is received here I will never enter this house again: she shall choose between me and Miss Cazalet. Mns. BOMPAs and BERYL enter. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, my dear Lady Ripstow-Lord Lurgashall! Beryl! BoMPAs, who is very excited, enters, followed by TRIMBLE. BOMPAS. [Kissing BERYL.] Hah, Berry, my dear, I've some wonderful news for you. Eh? Oh! How d'ye do, how d'ye do, how d'ye do? Glad you're all hereI've good news for everybody. Aha, what d'ye think, what d'ye think? Guess now, guess, guess! MRS. BOMPAS. Hush! Percy, what is it? THE TIMES BOMPAS. My chance has come! MRS. BOMPAS. Chance? BOMPAS. Why, a great compliment has been paid me-an enormous compliment. To-night, you know, finishes this big full-dress debate on the Irish Question, and the Whips have asked me to speak. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, Percy! BoMPAS. To speak! [To DENHIAM and LADY RIPSTOW, shaking hands with them suddenly.] I didn't shake hands, did I? Excuse me. [Addressing all.] There have been people who've said " Egerton-Bompas will never do anything in the House." " Won't he!" I've thought. " Once in, he'll never open his mouth "-thousands have said that. Ha, ha, ha! [Shaking hands with Miss CAZALET.] Did I shake hands? My head's so full of my speech; it isn't that success alters me at all. Here, you'll all want to come down to the House tonight, of course? LADY RIPSTOW. I fear BOMPAS. Oh, I can manage it-there's nothing I can't manage. I've got seats in the ladies' gallery, and another man will give me his. That'll be two Egerton-Bompases, one Ripstow, one Cazalet 8n THE TIMES Miss CAZALET. At what time are you likely to speak BOMPAS. About nine o'clock. Miss CAZALET. H'm, during the dinner-hour, isn't it BOMPAS. Yes. [Struck by the look on Miss CAZALET'S face.] Oh! Well, some men-like-speaking-during the dinner-hour. Eh? Miss CAZALET. Delightful-such freedom from interruption. [To MRS. BOMPAS.] Send word to Boswell Court, dear, when and where I'm to join you-wire " Feverheat, London." Don't stir! Good-bye, all! Or telephone, 3033. Lady Ripstow! [She goes out. BOMPAS. [To LADY RIPSTOW.] I've the notes of my speech in the library; I've been up half the night over it. I expect you'd like to hearLADY RIPSTOW. Pray excuse me this morning. Lurgashall, are you ready? BOMPAS. Going out, Berry? Proud of your father, hey Proud of him? BERYL. Oh, papa I THE TIMES 81 TRIMBLE. May I put Lady Ripstow into her carriage? [To MRS. BOMPAS.] Your opportunity. [LADY RIPSTOW and TRIMBLE go OUt. BOMPAS. [Slapping DENHAM on the back as he passes.] Lucky dog! MRS. BOMPAS. Good-bye, children. [BERYL and DENHAM leave the room together. MRS. BOMPAS. Now! BOMPAS. Clara! Aha, old lady, give me a kiss. [She kisses him.] So, they've found me out at last, hey MRS. BOMPAS. Found you out? BOMPAS. Found out my value. This is a gigantic opportunity-by Jove, it is! Nice flowers you've got here. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy dearBOMPAS. First of all, Clara, I mean to let that little beast McShane have it-straight from the shoulder. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy, I-I want to 82 TIE TIMES POMPAS. [Selecting a rose and putting it in his buttonhole.] Who sent you these? Lovely perfume. Straight from the shoulder! Mr. Timothy McShane hasn't nicknamed me " Blankets " for nothing. Blankets! Mrs. BOMPAS. Percy! BOMPAS. Eh? [Turning the basket of flowers about.] I'm looking for a bit of green. MRS. BOMPAS. I've something to tell you that may-put you out. BOMPAS. Ha, ha! Things are going too well for that, old lady. What is it, a big cheque, or a-? [Reading the card attached to the basket.] "Mr. Timothy McShane." Mr.-Timothy-McShane. Clara? MRS. BOMPAS. Mr. McShane left that, or sent it. BOMPAS. The coward! The-the worm! So he guesses I mean to have a slap at him to-night, does he? And he thinks to quiet me by sending you-a fewpaltry-! [He tears the flower from his coat and is about to attack the basket. MRS. BOMPAS. No, no, they'ro not sent to me. THE TIMES 83 BOMPAS. What d'ye mean? MRS. BOMPAS. They're-Mrs. Mountrafford's. BOMPAS. Eh? MRS. BOMPAS. Read the other side. BOMPAS. [Reading.] " Shall present myself in the course of the day to settle matters." W-what matters? MRS. BOMPAS. L-l-love matters. He has-fallen in love-withMrs. Mountraftord. Percy! BOMPAS. [In a rage.] What's been going on? MRS. BOMPAS. Nothing-not much. They were introduced to each other at Mrs. Shekleton's. Since then-they've met-here and there-occasionally. I didn't attach much importance to it at first; I tried not to, knowing how the very name of McShane infuriates you. But now the matter-has grown-too seriousBOMPAS. Serious! serious! MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes, because you see, Percy-you see 84 THE TIMES BOMPAS. See! What? MRs. BOMPAS. That if he proposes to her, as he evidently means toBOMPAS. Marriage! MRS. BOMPAS. Of course, marriage. Then, Percy-Percy! then she would either have to refuse him or to-to-tell him! BOMPAS. To tell him-tell him! Ahhh! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy, you mustn't give way to these uncontrollable fits of anger! We-we never calculated for this. We forgot she's not at all a bad-looking womanBOMPAS. Cat! I hate her! A simpering cat! MRS. BOMPAS. We mustn't be upset by this--this trifle. We must send for her and-coax herBOMPAS. Coax her! Cat! MRS. BOMPAS. And when Mr. McShane callsBOMPAS. I-I could see him strangled on the floor of the THE TIMES 85 House! I could! And he-dares to-to come after my widow! MRS. BOMPAS. Not your widow. BOMPAS. She's ours, body and boots. We've bought her. I've bought her,-and paid for her! MRS. BOMPAS. Not so loud! BOMPAS. And now she'd get me into a mess, would she! She'd expose me, would she, me and my family! She'd ruin me! Ruin me! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy, these rages are dreadful! BOMPAS. Old Mother Hooley! Cat! MRS. BOMPAS. You who declare you'll some day attain the highest position-you'll never do it with such a temper! BOMPAS. Won't I! Won'tI! You'll see if I don't! You'll! MRS. BOMPAS. There, there-hush, hush! You're all of a tremble. BOMPAS, McShane! Blankets I 86 THE TIMES MRs. BOMPAS. Sit down, darling, and talk it over with Clara. That's right-that's right! [He sinks on to the settee in a heap. MRS. BOMPAS. Now you're yourself again, aren't you? BOMPAS. McShane and our-cat! MRS. BoMPAs. We'll soon put matters straight-you and I, old man-you and I. TRIMBLE enters quietly. TRIMBLE. [To MRS. BOMPAS, in a whisper.] Well MRs. BoMPAs. He's had one. TRIMBLE. Bad? MRS. BOMPAS. Shocking! Percy darling-here's Monty. [BOMPAS raises himself slowly and looks at TRIMBLE. TRIMBLE. [\Taking a lozenge.] H'm, this has rather upset you, dear E-B. BoMPAS. No-not very well-overwork. What's got to bo done -about this? What's-got-to be- 1 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. Dear friend, there's not the remotest cause for discomposure. In the first place, allow me to ring the bell. MRS. BOMPAS. [Smiling at BOMPAS encouragingly.] Monty is so useful. TRIMBLE. Having summoned the servant, I suggest you give instructions that everybody is distinctly out to Mr. McShane. MRS. BOMPAS. Out. BOMPAS. Out. [JELF appears.] Look here! If a man named McShane presumes to shew hisMRS. BOMPAS. Percy! TRIMBLE. Jelf, if Mr. McShane calls-you know him JELF. Short gentleman, with flowers, sir. BOMPAS. Short-! MRS. BOMPAS. Hush! TRIMBLE. You are quite right-out. No matter whom he inquires for-out. 88 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Out. BOMPAS. Out. JELF. Not at home, sir. [JELF withdraws BOMPAS. I've done that! TRIMBLE. Now, all you have to do further is to see Mrs. MountraffordBOMPAS. Cat! TRIMBLE. And, in a few well-chosen, temperate words, inform her that this sort of thing emphatically will not do. [The music is heard again. BOMPAS. What's that? MRS. BOMPAS. She is taking her dancing-lesson-- [BoMPAS makes excitedly for the door. TRIMBLE. [Stopping him.] No, no, dear E-B, you must pledge your word that you will conduct this interview in a reasonable, moderateMRS. BOMPAS. StatesmanlikeTRIMBLE. Statesmanlike fashion. Certainly, statesmanlike. THE TIMES 89 BOMPAS. Statesmanlike? I understand. You shall see. TRIMBLE. Good! BOMPAS. [To MRS. BOMPAS.] You said my temper would keep me from attaining a big position! MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, butBOMPAS. You did! Well, you'll see whether I can command myself. TRIMBLE. That's right, dear E-B! BOMPAS. Bring her in, Monty. Percy Egerton-Bompas has no dignity, no self-restraint, hasn't he! I'll show you. TRIMBLE. [Opening the door and calling.] Good morning, dear Mrs. Mountrafford. Ah, you almost tripped! [The music stops abruptly, and MRS. HOOLEY appears in the doorway.] MRS. HOOLEY. [Breathlessly.] Oh, Mr. Trimble! Oh, the intoxication of the dance! [TRIMBLE goe out. It's one trifling movement I'll never conquer. 90 THE TIMES "One-two-three-and-four. Sure, the "andfour," will break the heart of me. [TRIMBLE returns. TRIMBLE. [To BOMPAS.] I've dismissed Cormanti. MRS. HOOLEY. [Practising.] One-two-three-and - andBOMPAS. Be seated, ma'am. MRS. HOOLEY. Ah! The turn you gave me! BOMPAS. Mrs. Everard Shafto Mountrafford! MRS. HOOLEY. Yes? BOMPAS. A basket of flowers has been left for you at my door-- MRs. HOOLEY. A bookay! BOMPAS. This basket of- Where is it? Where is it MRS. BOMPAS. All right, dear-here. [She pushes the basket from beneath the table, where she had concealed it. TRIMBLE. Here. THE TIMES 91 BOMPAS. [Snatching the basket.] It's thrown me out-thrown me out. MRS. BOMPAS. [Quietly to BOMPAS.] No, no-capital, Percy. TRIMBLE. Excellent beginning, dear friend. BOMPAS. Attached to this basket, Mrs. Mountrafford, I find a card. [He looks vainly for the card, which has been left in TRIMBLE'S hand. TRIMBLE. Certainly, a card. MRS. HOOLEY. A card! BOMPAS. Where's the thing gone to? Where is it? TRIMBLE. Are you looking for the card, E-B? BOMPAS. [Grabbing the card from TRIMBLE who is smoothing it out.] Looking for the--! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! TRIMBLE. Dear friend! BOMPAS. Er-the-ah-if-when-- Thrown out completely! 92 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. [In a whisper.] Hand it to her. BOMPAS. Leave me alone. [Giving the basket to Mns. HOOLEY.] There, ma'am. MRS. HOOLEY. My card! BOMPAS. Take it! MRS. HOOLEY. [Reading the card.] Oh, look at this now! Oh the politeness of it! Oh, the--! BOMPAS. [Silencing TRIMBLE and MRS. BOMPAS.] Don't interfere! [To MRS. HOOLEY.] So, ma'am, so, Mrs. Mountrafford, this is the return you make me, me, ME! MRS. HOOLEY. And I should like to know, Mr. Egerton-Bompas, what you've got to complain of! BOMPAS. Complain of! Who has rescued you from-from obscure poverty, ma'am, you and your-your brat! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy I TRIMBLE. E-B! BOMPAS. Silence! Who has received you into his domestic THE TIMES 93 circle, his sacred domestic circle? Who has placed you upon a social level with his own family, mercifully thrown the-the-the veil of oblivion over your humble origin, and opened to you the-the-the gates of the most exclusive society in the world I MRS. BOMPAS. Quite so, dear. TRIMBLE. This is admirable. BOMPAS. Who, placing his son's happiness above every other consideration, has consented to an alliance between that son and your daughter? Who-? MRS. HOOLEY. And indeed, Mr. Egerton-Bompas, sir, I'm not an ungrateful lady. BOMPAS. Show it, prove it! MRS. HOOLEY. But I confess I'm not unwilling to relieve you of the burden of my keep and clothing. BOMPAS. I don't want you to relieve me of it! I've got you! I-I carry you upon my shoulders for as long as you choose to live! MRS. BOMPAS. Woman, you don't understand! You couldn't marry now without-without 94 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. Without entering into a long and painful explanation. MRS. HOOLEY. Philoo! I'd explain everything in five minutes. MRS. BOMPAS and TRIMBLE. No! BOMPAS. Where's your refinement-where's your womanly feeling-where's your sense of shame? [They gather round MRS. HOOLEY, protesting excitedly. MRS. HOOLEY. Have done! Don't bustle me! [She breaks away Jrom them, pursued by MRS. BOMPAS. ]OMPAS. [To TRIMBLE.] Well? Well? TRIMBLE. Dear friend, I-I frankly, I-I candidly admit that this is a complication which even IHOWARD enters, in riding dress, with a tradesman's account in his hand. HOWARD. Morning, morning! Jolly in the Park this morning. BOMPAS. [Turning upon him Juriously.] Jolly in the Park THE TIMES 95 HOWARD. There! At me again! A nice time I've had of it this last month! Didn't you say I might come to you to-day for a cheque for my florist? BoMPAs. Get out of my sight! [MRS. BOMPAS and TRIMBLE lead HOWARD towards the door. HOWARD. When do I do right? I dun' know I BOMPAS. Bah I HOWARD. I s'pose I may mention there's somebody waiting to see you in the library. BOMPAS. Where the notes of my speech are lying about! MRS. BOMPAS. Who puts a visitor there? HOWARD. At me again! Why, when I let myself in just now I found a man on the doorstep who wanted to see pa particularly. TRIMBLE. Ah! what name, dear young friend? 96 THE TIMES HOWARD. McShane. [BoMPAs, TRIMBLE, and MRS BOMPAS, stand transfixed with horror.] What now? MRS. HOOLEY. Did you say Mr. McShane? Ah, he's called to see my trustee. TRIMBLE. Your trustee? MRS. HOOLEY. Well, he asked if Mr. Egerton-Bompas was my trustee. Sure, what was I to say, situated as I am? MRS. BOMPAS. [To HOWARD.] Get the notes of your father's speech from his table. You'll break our hearts. HOWARD. Wrong again! [He goes out. MRS. HOOLEY. I'll retire to my room while the delicate interview takes place. Am I to understand that obstacles are to be thrown in our path? BOMPAS. [To himself.] In my house-Blankets! TRIMBLE. [To MRS. HOOLEY.] Everything shall be done that gentlemen can do to protect the interests of a lady whose welfare they have at heart. [She goes out. THE TIMES 97 MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! Be-be-be statesmanlike I BOMPAS. Go after her! Keep your eye on her Don't leave her! MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes. Oh, my poor Percy! [She leaves them, TRIMBLE rings the bell. BOMPAS. Well? well? TRIMBLE. Dear friend, I-I frankly, I-I candidly admit that this particular complication is one which even I -Eh? JELF enters. TRIMBLE. Mr. McShane is in the library I JELF. In the library, sir. TRIMBLE. Show him up. [JELF retires. TRIMBLE nervously turns the key in the doors, leaving only one unlocked. BOMPAS. Monty TRIMBLE. You must be secured from interruption. G 98 THE TIMES BOMPAS. What-what's our attitude, our policy? TRIMBLE. To keep them apart for the next few hours. Tomorrow we must get this ill-bred woman out of England, somehow. Really, I-I'm quite upset. BOMPAS. Stand by me, Monty, when the-the lies aro wanted. TRIMBLE. [Taking a lozenge.] Command me-command me. BOMPAS. Monty, don't you think that in the highest social and political circles a man, even to maintain his position, may tell one lie too many? TRIMBLE. Hush! Dear friend, no one deplores a falsehood more than myself, but, let us always remember, the demand creates the supply. BOMPAS. But isn't there-one special moment-in a man's life when he'd better-resist the demand? TRIMBLE. Resist? BOMPAS. Y-y-yes. TRIMBLE. Oh, my dear E-B, in my own experience, there THE TIMES 99 is more time wasted in resisting temptation than over anything in this world. Hark! JELF shows in MR. TIMOTHY MCSHANE, a smartly dressed, eager, dark little man of forty-five or fifty, with a pale face, restless eyes, and a high forehead. He carries an umbrella aggressively. MCSIIANE. Mr. Egerton-Bompas. BOMPAS. Mr. McShane. MCSHANE. [Looking at TRIMBLE.] Mr.-- BOMPAS. Mr. Montague Trimble, my friend and confidential adviser. TRIMBLE. How dy'e do? What delightful weather we're BOMPAS. [To MCSHANE.] Be seated. [TRIMBLE quietly locks the door. MCSHANE. Mr. Bompas, your political convictions and my own are as wide asunder as the poles. [BOMPAS bows.] That is, so far as I have been privileged to gather, for hitherto your individual public policy has been one of intense, ardent silence. BOMPAS. To-night, Mr. McShane, that silence is to be brokep. To-night 100 THE TIMES MCSHANE. Sir, I can promise you at least one auditor. BOMPAS. I thank you. MCSHANE. But, Mr. Bompas, apart from our political divergence, I've noticed that there has crept insidiously into our personal relations a rancorous animosity. BoMPAs. On more than one occasion you have thought itah-decent to taunt me with my honourable association with-ah-er-a branch of commerceMCSHANE. Blankets? BOMPAS. I do not blush to repeat the word 'blankets.' MCSHANE. Mr. Bompas, a moment has arrived when private differences must be suspended, antipathies softened. It is the first time in my life I've made such a suggestion to mortal man, but the circumstances are exceptional. Mr. Bompas, I have been fortunate enough to win the affections of the sweet lady who now compliments you by sheltering under your roof, of whose worldly interests I believe you are the legal supervisor. BOMPAS. Sir, you allude, I think, to-- MCSHANE. ' Mrs. Everard Shafto Mountrafford-Kathleen. Mr. THE TIMES 101 Bompas, to better enable me to pay such prolonged attentions to this charming lady as duty and inclination demand, and to give me the opportunity of entering freely this morning into the subject of the settlement of her pecuniary estate, I suggest there should prevail between you and me, in our private relations, peace. Peace-temporary or permanent! Perhaps it would be more convenient to both of us if we said temporary. [BOMPAS bows-they shake hands quickly and distrustfully. MCSHANE then puts down his umbrella. MCSHANE. And now, sir, as Mrs. Mountrafford is not in her minority, I propose that she be invited to join this agreeable meeting. BOMPAS. Eh No, sir-out of the question. MCSHANE. Sir! BoMPAs. She has expressed a desire-ah-not to be present. MCSHANE. Tssh, tssh, tssh! Kathleen will waive that objection. BOMPAS. Mr. McShane, I-I-er-allow me to consult my friend. [To TRIMBLE.] Eh? Eh? [They whisper together.] Mr. McShane, you force me to acquaint you with a circumstance which I would willingly have 102 THE TIMES kept from you. Mrs. Mountrafford is-suddenlyindisposed. McSHANE. Powers! What is it? BOMPAS. The doctor hasn't seen her yet, but-but-- TRIMBLE. I think I heard dear Mrs. Egerton-Bompas mention the unpleasant word Influenza. McSHANE. You don't tell me that! Oh! and to think of hei as she was but yesterday! Her gaiety! Her flow of animal spirits! [Snatching up his umbrella and turning excitedly to BoMPAs.] She is in your house, Mr. Bompas! I warn you, sir! You are answerable for the welfare of this charming lady 1 BOMPAs. [To TRIMBLE.] Well? Well TRIMBLE. A rude wild beast. McSHANE. I can't, I won't, realise it This graceful, this vivacious lady. Is she in bed or out? [TRIMBLE and BOMPAS consult together. BOMPAS. Out! McSHANE. Out I THE TIMES 1o3 SOMPAS. In. In and out. MCSHANE. Restless? BOMPAS. Uneasy. MCSHANE. [Shaking his fist close to BOMPAS'S face.] Take care of her, sir! Take care of her! BOMPAS. Mr. McShane! TRIMBLE. Really! McSHANE. Mr. Bompas, I apologise for that gesture. It was uncontrollable. [TRIMBLE prompts POMPAS. BOMPAS. Eh? Yes. [To McSHANE.] May I suggest that under the circumstances it would hardly be-beTRIMBLE. Chivalrous. BOMPAS. Chivalrous to-toMCSHANE. Spare your hints, sir. My distress of mind would not permit me to discuss Mrs. Mountrafford's pecuniary affairs while that accomplished, that amiable lady - There's some one at your door. [The door handle is rattled, then a knock is heard. 10o4 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Whoisit? TRIMBLE. Who-is-it? JELF. [Outside.] Jelf, sir-with a note, TRIMBLE. Oh, a note. JELF. For Mr. McShane, sir. TRIMBLE. For Mr. McShane! JELF. From Mrs. Mountrafford, sir. [BOMPAs and TRIMBLE look at each odher aghast. MCSHANE. May I ask if that servant is ever to be admitted? BOMPAS. Er-I-er TRIMBLE. I-I-pardon me[TRIMBLE takes a letter from JELF, then re-locks door. MOSHANE. Am I to be allowed to have my letter? [TRTMBLE reluctantly hands the letter to McSHANE, who Opens it. THE TIMES 105 BOMPAS. [To TRIMBLE.] Ass 1 Ass TRIMBLE. What could I do, E-B? BOMPAS. From her to him! Ass! MCSHANE. [Reading to himself.] " Meet me to-day, usual place, same hour. Kathleen." [He refolds, and pockets the note. BOMPAS. [To TRIMBLE.] What's in it? What's in it? MCSHANE. Mr. Bompas. I have the honour to wish you Good-morning. [Extending his hand.] Temporary. TRIMBLE. I'll take Mr. McShane downstairs. [MCSHANE passes out, and TRIMBLE follows. BOMPAS. Oh! IWhat's in it? What's in it? What's in it? MRS. BOMPAS enters quickly. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! I'm mad with anxiety! I've been listening at every door trying to catch a word or two, He's gone! Tell me! Percy Tell me! Io6 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Why-why didn't you remain with her? MRS. BOMPAS. There was no necessity. I saw her let her hair down, and begin to write her letters. BOMPAS. Yes She's written one to McShane I MRS. BOMPAS. To McShane! BOMPAS. And he's got it! MRS. BOMPAS. No! What's in it? BOMPAS. Ah-h-h! What's in it! TRIMBLE enters, agitated. BOMPAS. Well? Well? TRIMBLE. E-B! E-B, I have committed an act-for you, dear friend, for you!-which I shall always find it extremely difficult to palliate. BOMPAS. What! MRS. BOMPAS. Monty! THE TIMES 107 TRIMBLE. I-I am ashamed to say [producing MRS. HOOLEY'S note] that I have picked Mr. McShane's pocket. BOMPAS. Here-! [BOMPAS snatches the note from TRIMBLE. MRS. BOMPAS. [Looking over her husband's shoulder.] Oh! TRIMBLE. I have no desire to pry into the contents of a communication addressed to another person; at the same timeBOMPAS. [Reading.] "Meet me to-day, usual place, same hour." MRS. BOMPAS. What place? BOMPAS. What hour? Advise me! TRIMBLE. [Ringing bell.] She mustn't go out, obviously. MRS. BOMPAS. The wretch! I'll turn the key of her door! I will! I will! [She goes out BOMPAS. Well? Well? Io8 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. I-I-frankly, I-I candidly admit that this-is -aJELF enters. Jelf, Mr. Egerton-Bompas's orders are that you station yourself downstairs at the front doorBOMPAS. Yes, yes; you and Chalmers and Hodgson-three of you! TRIMBLE. No, no-Hodgson at the tradesman's doorBOMPAS. I said so. TRIMBLE. And that from this moment no one shall be allowed to leave the house till you have first communicated with him or myself. BOMPAS. Understand? JELF. Certainly, sir. [JELF withdraw8. BOMPAS. I've done that! I've done that! I've done that I MRs. BOMPAS totters ia. BOMPAS. Clara! THE TIMES log MRS. BOMPAS. Percy-she is a double-faced woman She-let her hair down-to hoodwink me. BOMPAS. Hoodwink! MRS. BOMPAS. My poor husband I She--she has-gone out. [The three are speechless or a moment. BOMPAS. [Suddenly catching TRIMBLE by the throat.] Devil! devil! TRIMBLE. Dear friend I MRS. BOMPAS. Percy I [BoMPAS shakes MRS. BOMPAS of. BOMPAS. [To TRIMBLE.] You tempted me! You have brought this on me! You! [He releases TRIMBLE, who tumbles on to the floor.] Devil! But for you I should never have done-all I have done! I should have stopped short at a great deal-but for you! And now-! Find this woman! Keep them apart Bring her home before she meets him! She's mine! I've bought her Bring her home Bring her home 1 TRIMBLE. Where am I to look for her, E-B? IIo THE TIMES BOMPAS. [Throwing the note at him.] There! TRIMBLE. [Struggling to hisfeet.] Usual place-same hour! [He staggers to the door as HOWARD, in immaculate morning dress, and with a large flower in his button-hole, enters, with some sheets oJ paper in his hand. HOWARD. Hullo, pa I BOMPAS. [Pointing to TRIMBLE.] Go with him! Help him! Scour town with him! Find her! Bring her back! HOWARD. Bring who--? BOMPAS. Your mother-in-law. If she meets McShane today [snatching the sheets of paperfrom HOWARD'S hand] not another bill of yours will I pay! I'll serve 'em all as I do this one! [tearing the paper into pieces.] You shall starve, you and your trollop of a wife! You shall sell matches in the gutter, both of you! Gogo! [TRIMBLE goes out; HOWARD is following, but lingers doubtfully. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, Percy! Try to think all will end well. Be calm! Remember-to-night, Percy-your speechyour speech THE TIMES I i BOMPAS. My speech-yes-my chance-my great chance. ITo HOWARD.] Well, why don't you go HOWARD. Pa, ma told me to fetch the notes of your speech from the library. You've torn 'em up. [He goes out. BOMPAs. Ahl [BoMPAS and MRS. BOMPAS go down upon their knees and collect the scraps of paper. END OF THE SECOND ACT. THE THIRD ACT The scene remains the same as before, but it is evening. JELF enters, showi ing DENHAM, who is is evening dress. JELF. The ladies are dining, m'lord. DENHAM. Earlier than usual. JELF. Yes, m'lord, on account of going down to the House o' Commons. DENHAM. Ah, I forgot. JELF. The master makes a speech to-night, m'lord. DENHAM. I know. Don't announce me. I'll wait about. [DENHAM strolls of, then BERYL, in dinner dress, enters. A piano is heard. BERYL. [To JELF.] Who is playing the piano I THE TIMES 113 J ELF. Lord Lurgashall, miss. His lordship's just come in. [JELF goes out. BERYL. Poor Denham! I wonder how he will bear it when I let him know the decision I've come to, when I ask him plainly to release me from my engagement. I've made up my mind to do it; I'm sure it is the honest course, and I've made up my mind. It has taken me nearly a month to make it up; but, after all, a month isn't much--under-the-circumstances. [DENHAM returns. DENHAM. Beryl! [She gives him her hand coldly.] You are not dining. BERYL. I begged to be excused half-way through dinner. My head says there's to be a thunderstorm. DENHAM. Ah! you are very anxious about the success of your father's speech to-night. BERYL. Oh, of course. He looked ghastly when lie started down to the House this afternoon. By-the-by, I thought we weren't to see you till after the debate? DENHAM. I'm here early-on a mission. 114 THE TIMES BERYL. A mission? DENHAM. I bring a message from my mother to yours. BERYL. Something that vexes you, by your look. DENHAM. I am vexed. [lie is about to sit by her; she quickly places herjan beside her on ths settee. DENHAM. Beryl! BERYL. Well? DENHAM. What is the matter-? BERYL. The matter! DENHAM. Between us? Almost from the very moment, a month ago, when you and I-understood one another, almost from that very moment you have altered towards me! Why? BERYL. Why? DENHAM. What have I done-what do I do? If you find faults in me, let me know them; if I disappoint you, give me an opportunity of raising myself to the standard you set up. Only teach me before you punish me. THE TIMES 115 BERYL. Denham, how you jump at conclusions I DENHAM. Conclusions? BERYL. Why accuse yourself? DENHAM. Whom should I-? BERYL. Isn't it barely possible that it is I who find it a little inconvenient to reach the standard of excellence which you raise? DENHAM. You are laughing at me! BERYL. Not at all. You look for a wife who is to be unconventionally sincere, don't you? DENHAM. Yes-and I look to you, Beryl. BERYL. Well, suppose on consideration, I can't promise to be more than conventionally genuine! DENHAM. Why, what do you mean? BERYL. Suppose, after all, I feel that I must drift the world's way; that I must preserve the ordinary hypocrisies, the every-day mental reservations, and hide 116 THE TIMES something of my real self even from you; that I must take my place with the sort of girl who is Jairly honest, moderately candid, pretty good-but, oh, so unlike what you deserve, Denham! [The voices of MRS. BOMPAS, MISS CAZALET, and HONORIA, are heard. DENHAM. Dear Beryl, let me talk to you again this evening. Where BERYL. Go to the billiard-room, ten minutes from now. DENHAM. Yes, yes. MRS. BOMPAS, Miss CAZALET, and HONORIA enter, Jollowed by LucY. MRS. BOMPAS. [To DENHAM.] You here, my dear boy! Why didn't you come to dinner? Miss CAZALET. Are you going to be our cavalier down to the House, Lord Lurgashall? Delightful! JELF and another servant enter with coffee. BERYL. [To LucY.] Miss Tuck, you look lonely. [Lucy goes to BERYL and sits beside her. MRS. BOMPAS. [To DENHAM.] A message from Lady Ripstow-- what is it? THE TIMES 117 DENHAM. May I see you alone for a moment? MRS. BOMPAS. Of course; before we go down to the House. We don't start yet awhile. DENHAM. I'm afraid you tooMRS. BOMPAS. Yes, the thunder upsets all of us. Don't trouble about me; talk to the others. [Coffee is handed round. MRS. BOMPAS. [To herself.] Oh! why don't I hear something from somebody? What is happening all this while? Oh! Oh! Oh! [The servants hand coffee to MRS. BOMPAS. MRS. BOMPAS. Jelf. JELF. Yes, ma'am. MRS. BOMPAS. Has-Mrs. Mountrafford-come in yet? JELF. I b'lieve not, ma'am. MRS. BOMPAS. Nor Mr. Howard? JELF. Not yet, ma'am. 118 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Are you sure Mr. Trimble hasn't called or sent any message? JELF. Quite sure, ma'am. [She drops the cream-jug with a clatter. MRS. BOMPAS. Take it away! Don't worry me! [The servants go out. MRs. BOMPAS. [To herself.] That woman Hooley-out all day! Howard-out all day! Not a sign from Monty! What on earth is happening? Oh! MIss CAZALET. You ought all to be very much obliged to me! I have persuaded Miss Mountrafford to practise a few steps of the dance Cormanti is teaching her. MRS. BOMPAS. Bother! Miss CAZALET. [To MRS. BOMPAs.] Isn't it good-natured of her? MRS. BOMPAS. Very-so soon after dinner. HONORIA. Miss Tuck, we left the music on the piano. Will you go and thump it over for me? [LucY goes out. THE TIMES x19 MIss CAZALET. [Clapping her hands.] Places! places! [To BERYL.] How sweet Honoria is-and Mrs. Mountrafford I BERYL. They would be glad to hear you say so. Miss CAZALET. So unaffectedly natural. But there, think of their strange careers! Why, this girl and her mother might have been scalped years ago! MRS. BOMPAS. [To herself.] Oh, if they only had been I Miss CAZALET. Eh? MRs. BOMPAS. I-I didn't speak. [Dance music is heard. HONORIA. My heart's beating! [HONORIA dances gracefully, and, while she is dancing, TRIMBLE enters unobtrusively, in morning dress, but dusty, disordered, and weary-looking. He touches MRs. BOMPAS on the shoulder, and she utters a scream. Everybody is startled. HONORIA ceases dancing-the music stops, and LucY appears in the doorway. MRS. BOMPAS. Monty I 120 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. I beg pardon-I alarmed you. [HONORIA, MIss CAZALET, and BERYL surround MRS. BOMPAS. HoNoRIA and Miss CAZALET. What's the matter? MRS. BOMPAS. It's nothing. Don't notice me; I'm nervous to-night. Monty, I-I have something to arrange with you for Ascot week. Here! Miss CAZALET. Let us all go to the piano. Beryl-Lord Lurgashall. [They go out, and leave TRIMBLE and \MRS. BOMPAS together. MRS. BOMPAS. Well? TRIMBLE. Well? MRs. BOMPAS. Nothing-no news? TRIMBLE. No. And you? Hasn't-ah-dear Mrs. Mountrafford returned? [She shakes her head.] Singularpainfully singular. Where's your son? [She shakes her head.] H'm! It was about noon when he and I set out upon our search. I lost him at half-past four, somewhere near the Burlington Arcade. He must be very tired. I haven't sat down since I THE TIMES 121 started. Will you allow me? [As he sits.] O-o-h! [Taking a lozenge.] Dear E-B has gone down to the House? MRS. BOMPAS. Yes. TRIMBLE. If he had been at home I should have hesitated about coming up. I find it difficult to excuse his attitude of this morning. MRS. BOMPAS. Poor fellow I TRIMBLE. Thank you. MRS. BOMPAS. I'm thinking of Percy. TRIMBLE. Oh, yes. When he returns from what I still hope will be an oratorical triumph, I should like you, in justice to myself, to let him know that I have devoted my day to his interests, loyally. MRS. BOMPAS. We are very much obliged to you. TRIMBLE. No, no. After leaving your house with dear Howard, I found myself on the doorstep facing a difficult problem-how to prevent a possible communication between two people who were to meet each other at an hour and place unknown to me. The further question as to what the deuce I should do if I encountered them did not fail to suggest itself. 122 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Of course it was hopeless; Percy was in a frenzy. TRIMBLE. Ultimately I determined that, if I succeeded in my search, I would entertain one or both of the parties with whimsical stories while Howard dashed home in a cab to fetch dear E-B. This arranged, we rapidly touched at every place of rendezvous in the West End usually selected by lovers. Here I derived the utmost assistance from Howard. MRS. BOMPAS. There's a lot of good in that boy. But you've seen no sign of them? TRIMBLE. Not a shadow. I suppose we were too late for 'em in one place and too early in another. Oh, it has been such an unsatisfactory day! Finally, Howard fancied he saw an Oxford man, or something, in Burlington Street and bolted away. After that I fear my search lost method. But still I never sat down. I calculate I have done Bond Street thirty-three times. I became nauseated with repeated cups of chocolate at Charbonnel's-all swallowed standing. MRS. BOMPAS. But the result is nothing-nothing I TRIMBLE. Pardon me, dear Mrs. E-B, I have proved, I hope, what friendship is capable of. And for the first time for nearly forty years I find myself at this hour not in evening dress. THE TIMES 123 DENHAM enters. DENHAM. I beg pardon; I thought perhapsTRIMBLE. I'm off, my dear L. [To MRs. BOMPAS.] Good-bye, dear Mrs. E-B; I must be at the opera to nightthere's a new tenor. It's a disgrace that this big debate in the House clashes with Otello; lots of people are very angry about it. Love to E-B! [He goes out. MRS. BOMPAS. [To DENHAM.] You want me, my dear boy? DENHAM. [Producing a letter.] I am very sorry to have to be the bearer of this from my mother. MRs. BOMPAS. For me? DENHAM. You have never been told, I think, that my mother has a strong aversion to Miss Cazalet. MRS. BOMPAS. Good gracious me, no! DENHAM. That refers to it. MRs. BOMPAS. Oh! DENHAM. I wanted to see you before you read it, to say this. The letter is my mother's, not mine; any request that 124 THE TIMES it contains is made solely by her; any threat that she holds out she will execute alone. MRS. BOMPAS. Threat, my dear boy! DENHAM. I fear you will find something of the kind there. [He kisses her hand.] But I beg that you will believe me, for Beryl's sake, always dutifully and affectionately yours. [To himsel.] The billiard-room, Beryl said, in ten minutes. [He goes out. MRS. BOMPAS. [Reading rapidly.] " Lord Lurgashall will explain, if required, my reasons for the grave exception I take to the lady I have more than once encountered at your house. Let me say, with every amiable sentiment, that my acquaintance with you must be suspended until you undertake to close your doors upon this lady." Oh! "I need scarcely add that upon your decision now rests the question as to whether Lord Ripstow will ever call. Faithfully yours, Victoria Ripstow." Oh! Oh, in all the world is there a more unlucky woman than myself! Every hour a new trouble! And now-Lurgashall's mother! The very best person we know, too! Oh! BoMPAS enters, breathless and excited. BOMPAS. Hullo! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! THE TIMES 125 BOMPAS. Don't be frightened. I've arranged with the Whips to be away from the House for an hour. I've come over so fidgety about Mother Hooley. Cat I Is she back? MRS. BOMPAS. No-nor Howard. BOMPAS. Oh! MRS. BOMPAS. Monty looked in, to say he'd had no luck. BOMPAS. Yah! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy, is--is Mr. McShane in the House? BOMPAS. No, not yet. I can't make out what's going on; I can't make it out. But there, I'm a fool to think of 'em. Don't mention 'em again-don't let me mention 'em! I'll think of nothing to-night but myselfmyself-and my chance! MRS. BOMPAS. That's right. BOMPAS. Look here, now I'm home I'll jump into my dressclothes. I always speak better in dress-clothes, don't I? MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes. BOMPAS. I look more aristocratic in them-don't you think Don't I look more aristocratic in my dress-clothes? 126 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Yes. BOMPAS. Then why don't you encourage me? Why don't you--? [He sits down and begins quickly sorting and arranging the notes of his speech. BOMPAS. My speech. One-two-three-four. Where's five-where's five? MRS. BOMPA3. How poorly you seem! BOMPAS. My brain's boiling. Eight's gon!e This is a tremendous chance. Eight. MRS. BOMPAS. You've eaten nothing. BOMPAS. No. Nine. MRs. BOMPAS. Have a sponge cake. BOMPAS. Sponge-! Ugh! I tried to masticate a chop down there, but-I shall speak better on an empty stomach, sha'n't I? [Stamping his foot violently.] Sha'n't I speak better on an-? THE TIMES 127 MRS. BOMPAS. Yes. BOMPAS. Then why don't you encourage me? Why don't you-? MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, Percy, I-I've got a horrible dread that-that our luck's changing! BOMPAS. Changing! Do you call this encouraging me? Let me go and dress! MRS. BOMPAS. Stay-look! [showing him the letter.] Here's Lady Ripstow at it now. It appears she hates Kate Cazalet. BOMPAS. Let her-we don't care. MRS. BOMPAS. But she threatens not to know me if I continue to receive Miss Cazalet here. What shall I do? BOMPAS. Do! do / Throw Kate Cazalet over, of course. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, Percy! BOMPAS. Kindly-kindly. If the ship rides lighter without her, over with her! MRS. BOMPAS. How can I! 128 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Clara, look here, I'm getting desperate! This ingratitude of Mother Hooley's is making a different man of me! Cat! Even you won't recognise me soon. I tell you, if we get well out of the scrape that we're in, I'm going to alter my line of conduct for the rest of my life. MRs. BOMPAS. Oh, yes, let us both do that-let us-let us! BOMPAS. For the future, SELF! I mean it! No more studying other people! Simply Ourselves-Ourselves! So if Lady Ripstow, or any other person of title, objects to a woman-friend of ours, over she goes-look out there!-over she goes! MRS. BOMPAS. Ah! BOMPAS. I'll go and dress. Be ready for me in a quarterof an-hour and I'll take you down to the House. Give me a kiss, old lady. [She makes no response.] Ho! this is encouragement, isn't it! Very well, I'll encourage myself. [Snapping his fingers.] That for Mother Hooley! Cat! That for McShane! I defy everybody! Nothing '11 ever hurt me / I'm a successful man I Nothing '11 ever -! [He goes out. MRS. BOMPAs. Well, if this has to be done, I suppose I-How shall I manage it No more lies if I can help it! Not another lie will I tell that isn't strictly necessary! THE TIMES 129 Why shouldn't I speak plainly to Kate Cazalet? As a woman of the world she'd understand that I daren't offend this aristocratic old reptile. That's it; I'll throw myself on her indulgence. [Opening the door and calling.] Miss Cazalet, dear! Miss CAZALET enters, followed by HONORIA and LucY. MRS. BOMPAS. [To Miss CAZALET.] Come upstairs--I want five minutes of the cosiest chat with you imaginable. Miss CAZALET, Just what I love. MRs. BOMPAS. Oh, dear! Miss CAZALET. You're faint. MRS. BOMPAS. It's only the thunder. Come upstairs. Miss CAZALET. My dear Mrs. Bompas, let me tell you an excellent thing for nerves- [They go out. BERYL enters. BERYL. The billiard-room in ten minutes. Poor Denham! [She steals of. As she does so, HOWARD is heard outside the door singing a "comic song " in a maudlin way. LucY. Hark! What's that? I 13o0 THE TIMES HONORIA. Why, I do believe-! [Lucy goes to the door and looks out. Lucy. Oh! come away, Miss Mountrafford; oh, do come away. [Lucy drags HONORTA across the room, as HOWARD lurches in, drunk. LucY. Oh! Oh I HONORIA. Howard I! HOWARD. I've go' back. LucY. [To HONORIA.] Oh, pray come upstairs! HONORIA. [To LucY.] Ah, don't be alarmed, dear. I've seen him-ill-once before. [To HOWARD.] Are you aware of the state you're in? HOWARD. Am I 'ware state I'm in? You 'lude to the fac' that I am a little dusty. HONORIA. Dusty, is it 1 I fancy you've been laying the dust pretty well. HOWARD. Layin' the-? Aha! Good-goo'! Layin' the dus'! Goo'! Is there another la'y presen', or is it all you? THE TIMES 131 HONORIA. Sure, it's Miss Tuck. HOWARD. Owh! Misstuck! [staggering towards LucY.] Of course -Misstuck! LucY. Oh, no, please I HOWARD. I recklect-Misstuck-stayin' in our 'ouse-teaching Hon-Hon-nor-ror-ria. Hic! [He falls helplessly into a chair. LucY. Come, let us help him into his room quietly. HONORIA. I'll not lend a hand. LucY. Oh, I know it isn't quite the way in which young women ought to occupy themselves; but suppose his people were to see him in this condition! HONORIA. Let them! What do I care! It'll be a lesson te 'em. They think themselves mighty superior-let 'em contemplate that! Many a lecture they've favoured me with on my behaviour-let 'em look at that! I'm not to put my knife in my mouth at mealtimes; I'm not to sponge up my gravy with a crust in strange houses! Let 'em look at that! Oh, the impudence of it! 132 THE TIMES LUCY. I don't understand what you mean. I think you're very hard-hearted. [Advancing to HOWARD and taking his arm.] Come upstairs. HOWARD. [Throwing his arms round LucY.] Oh, my darling! My dar--! LucY. [Releasing herself.] Ahh! [HONORIA boxes HOWARD'S ears and shakes him. HOWARD. Wha'! HONORIA. I'll teach you! HOWARD. Wrong again! HONORIA. Fondling a strange lady! HOWARD. Strange la'y! I thought she was you! Oh, when do I do ri'? I dun' know. LucY. Pray overlook it, Miss Mountrafford. I'm convinced he didn' know the differenceHONORIA. Sure, it's time he did then I HOWARD. Wha' that Ia'y says is correc'. Oh, I have had a THE TIMES 133 dre'ful month, this las' month! Oh, my darling! my darling! HONORTA. [Caressing him.] Ah, did I strike you a blow then, dearest? HOWARD. Fri'ful blow. HONORIA. Sure, I'm unconscious of what I'm doing when my Irish blood's up. You'll forgive, Howard? HOWARD. Yes. HONORIA. And you'll never reduce yourself to this state any more? HOWARD. Never-hic! HONORIA and HOWARD. Ah I [They embrace lovingly. LucY. Miss MountraffordHOWArD. Go 'way I We're all ri'. LucY. I must beg you to remember that you are merely engaged to Mr. Howard. HONORIA. Ah, mind your own business! 134 THE TIMES LucY. I owe a duty to those who employ me. HONORIA. You've only got to teach me French. HOWARD. [Waving LucY away.] French I LucY. And to advise you on a course of general behaviour. Miss Mountrafford, there are certain prescribed limits beyond which it is not decorous for a young person to step during the period of engagement. HONORIA. Philoo I Lucy. I feel you are travelling beyond those limits. [HOWARD kisses HONORIA. LucY. Mr. Howard! [She advances to HOWARD, and drags him from the settee. LucY. I'll tell your parents! HOWARD. Wha'! How dare you interfere between me-- and-and my goo' lady! HONORIA. Howard! whist! THE TIMES 135 HOWARD. I repea', my goo' lady. HONORIA. What are you saying? HOWARD. This is my lawful wife-my precious wife! HONORIA. Don't listen to him! HOWARD. We are on our honeymoon. LucY. Miss Mountrafford-! HOWARD. Mountrafford That's Mrs. Howard EgertonBompasHONORIA. There now 1 HOWARD. Formerly Miss 'Nory-oria 'Ooley. HONORTA. Now he's done it I HOWARD. I'm sick of 'umbug and deception! I'm married gentleman! Let all the world know it 1 I'm young married English gentleman! LucY. Oh, Mr. Howard I I36 THE TIMES HOWARD. 'Noria, I know we can trus' this sweet young lady. Have you got your marriage certificate with you? [HoNoRIA produces an envelope from the bodice of her dress. HONORIA. Have I got it! Sure it never leaves me, night nor day. [Handing a certificate to LucY.] Look at that and hold your tongue about it. LucY. But this doesn't referHONORIA. Yes, yes, my dear, and we're to be married all over again to make a fine tip-top match of it. LucY. But were you never Miss Mountrafford? HoNoRIA. Not I, sweet. [Kissing LucY.] Sure, I feel easier in my mind now that we've got one real friend in the house. HOWARD. One real-! My darling I HONORIA. Now then! LucY. Hark! I'm sure somebody's coming. THE TIMES 137 HONORIA. [Supporting HOWARD.] Hold up, dearest. [LucY and HONoRIA lead HOWARD with difficulty to a door. HOWARD. It's Monty Trimble's idea-'umbugging second wedding. HONORIA. That's enough now-drop it! HOWARD. 01' story-everybody ashamed of 'orrid ol' motherin-law. HONORIA. Come on! HOWARD. 01' mother 'Ooley! ol' mother--! [They go out, and as they disappear, Miss CAZALET enters in a towering rage; while MRS. BOMPAS follows, attempting to pacify her. Miss CAZALET. Not another word! don't speak to me I MRS. BOMPAS. Pray try to see things in their right light. Miss CAZALET. In their right light! I am taken by the shoulders and turned out of this house MRS. BOMPAS. No-no I 138 THE TIMES Miss CAZALET. Kicked out of it-to please that woman Ripstow! That's the only light in which I see things. [Trying to put on her mantle.] Confound the cloak! MRs. BoaIAs. Let me help you. Miss CAZALET. Hah, what a hurry you're in to see the last of me! Send Lucy to me; I'll take her away to-nigLt. Oh, the insult, the insult! MRs. BOMPAS. Wait here till you have spoken to my husband; he will offer every apology. Miss CAZALET. Apology! Let the creature Ripstow apologise. Send Lucy to me. MRS. BOMPAS. Calm yourself! My husband is at home; I'll find him. Miss CAZALET. The insult! the insult! Mas. BOMPAS. How truly unfortunate! Wait, wait! Percy, Percy I [She runs out. Miss CAZALET seizes the pillows from the settees, and the books from the table, and flings them about the room. THE TIMES 139 Miss CAZALET. Ah! Ah! What can I do-what can I do to pay out this viper Ripstow! If I can't revenge myself on her I shall become frantic-frantic! Oh! Lucy, still clutching the marriage-certificate, enters quickly. MISS CAZALET. Lucy I LucY. Oh! Miss CAZALET. What's wrong with you? LucY. I-I'm so upset. MISS CAZALET. Upset! LucY. I-I don't know whether I'm doing my duty here. This seems to be such a strange household. Miss CAZALET. Hah, so I think! LucY. Do you know-do you know-they are already married? Miss CAZALET. Who are married? Lucy. Young Mr. Howard and Miss Mountrafford. Oh, I oughtn't to have told you! 14o THE TIMES Miss CAZALET. Go on! LucY. You won't repeat it, will you? And, what's more, she-she isn't Miss Mountrafford at all, and never was! Miss CAZALET. Lucy! [Snatches the certificate jrom Lucy's hand.] What have you got there? LucY. [Attempting to recover it.] Oh, no I Oh, my head! Miss CAZALET. [Reading.] " Marriage solemnised at the Register Office, in the District of St. Michael's, Abergaron, in the County of Carnarvon-Howard Bompas-Honoria Hooley!" What's the meaning of it? LucY. I-I'm dreadfully afraid it's a mgsalliance. Miss CAZALET. A mesalliance? Lucy. Yes, and poor Mr. and Mrs. Egerton-Bompas are trying to give a good aspect to the matter by celebrating a second marriage. Oh, don't you feel sorry for them? Miss CAZALET. Awfully. And this-this is the family into which the son of my old friend Lady Ripstow is about to enter! Ha, ha, ha, ha I THE TIMES 141 LucY. What are you laughing at? Miss CAZALET. Come home I LucY. Home? [Miss CAZALET crams the certificate into her pocket. Miss CAZALET. You can tell me all you know about this sad affair in the cab. Quick! LucY. But I don't wish to-! Miss CAZALET. Come! Lucy. The certificate-give it me-let me return it. Miss CAZALET. When I've done with it. LucY. No, no! MIiss CAZALET. Now, Lady Ripstow! [To LucY.] Come home! [She pulls LucY to the door and they go out. Then another door is opened and MRS. BOMPAS'S voice is heard. MRS. BOMPAS. [Outside.] Percy! Percy! Make haste! [She enters the room quickly.] Miss Cazalet! dear Miss Cazalet! r42 THE TIMES BoMPAs enters in evening dress, which has evidently been rather hurriedly put on. lie attempts to make his tie into a bow as he speaks. BOMPAS. Where is she? Where is she? MRS. BOMPAS. She hasn't gone, surely! Miss Cazalet! BOMPAS. Don't upset yourself! Throw her over. MRS. BOMPAS. She must be looking for her niece. BOMPAS. She's of no consequence, I tell you-- MRS. BOMPAS. [Opening the door and calling.] Miss Cazalet! BOMPAS. That rotten newspaper of hers is dead or dying; it can't do us either harm or good. Over with her! Mas. BOMPAS. Miss Cazalet! [ iMR. BOMPAS goes out. THE TIMES 143 BOMPAS. Come and tie my bow, Clara. Clara, come and tie my bow. Clara! [Finding she is gone.] Oh! Miss Cazalet indeed! How my hand shakes! Over with her! I've made up my mind-for the future, Self! I-I can't tie my bow. [Sitting helplessly at the end of the settee.] Clara-old lady! [Unnoticed by BoMPAs, MRS. HOOLEY, looking very much upset, and MCSHANE, pale, speechless, and agitated, enter the room, and stand gazing at BOMPAS. BOMPAS. [To himself.] I-I'll wait for Clara. Heavens, how does my peroration begin? [Turning over his notes hastily.] I-I'm forgetting my peroration. [MRs. BOMPAS returns and 8ees MRS. HOOLEY and MCSHANE. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! BOMPAS. Do come and tie my bow. Eh? [Seeing MRS. HOOLEY and MCSHANE.] Oh! [McSHANE fidgets with his umbrella. BOMPAS. Mr. McShane, I-I didn't hear the servant announce you in the-the-proper way. MCSHANE. Sir, I let myself in with this lady's latch-key. 144 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Oh I BOMPAS. Oh! Er-ah-Mrs.-Mrs. Mountrafford, we rejoice to see you looking so much-better. Don't we, Clara? [MRS. HOOLEY &egins to sob demonstratively. BoMPAs. Er-that is, I'm glad that the report of your illness, the-ah-influenza, was exaggerated. How it got about I-I trust, Mr. McShane-- Clara? MCSHANE. Bompas. Bompas. Cease your dirty prevarication. I know all, sir. MRS. HOOLEY. Owh! And indeed it's myself that's told him the entire truth. Oh, why was I so impulsive 1 MCSHANE. Mrs. Kathleen Hooley, ma'amBOMPAS and MRS. BOMPAS. [Exchanging looks.] Ah! MCSHANE. Mrs. Kathleen Hooley, you'll oblige me by keeping silent-if that's possible. MRS. HOOLEY. Loving me as he did, I never anticipated he'd take the disclosures in this wayMCSHANE. Mrs. Hooley--! THE TIMES 145 MRS. HOOLEY. Sure, Kitty Hooley's as fine a woman as Kathleen Mountrafford, barring the fortune he looked for. Owh! McSHANE. Bompas, when I met this lady to-day at our usual place of meeting, the National GalleryBoMPAS and MRS. BoMPAS. The National Gallery! McSHANE. And when I perceived that she was in more than her usual state of health, I felt I was the victim of some despicable, underhand doings of which you were the originator. BOMPAS. I advise you to be careful, Mr. McShane; I really advise youMcSHANE. But I was not prepared for the revelations of craft, cunning, and duplicity which were made over a cup of tea at a neighbouring restaurant. BOMPAS. Clara, note Mr. McShane's language-note it I MCSHANE. I dashed down to the House, to find you had skulked home for an hour; I followed you here. Now, sir! You'll be good enough to ask these ladies to retire. K 146 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Sir, I request that you communicate with me only by letter. McSHANE. You request, sir! You-- I MRS. HOOLEY. [Clinging to him.] Ah, Tim, Tim! We'll go, darling! Don't let your temper rise! We'll go, darling boy, we'll go! MCSHANE. [Releasing himself.] Kathleen! MRS. HOOLEY. Yes, yes, I'll leave you. Oh, Tim, is it all over between us? McSIANE. I-I can't say, Kathleen. It's a difficult position I'm in with regard to you. But I'll consider-there! MRS. HOOLEY. Why was I so indiscreet! Oh, the love I've thrown away this day! BOMPAS. [To MRS. BOMPAS.] Keep near at hand -don't leave me! MRs. BOMPAs. I won't. We're in his power, Percy. BOMPAS. I know-I know. MRS. BOMPAS. But be bold; brazen it out. THE TIMES 147 BOMPAS. Yes, yes-yes, yes. MRS. BOMPAS. And then, if you can, buy him. BOMPAS. Yes, yes. MRS. BOMPAS. My poor old man! Shriek if you want me. BOMPAS. Yes, yes. MRS. BOMPAS. I mean, call out. BOMPAS. I know-same thing. [MRS. BOMPAS goes out with MRS. HOOLEY. BOMPAS. [To himself.] Bold-brazen it out. Bold-brazen it out. Now, Mr. McShane, I ask the reason of this outrageous conduct-conduct unbecoming agentleman, conduct which- [He sees MCSHANE reading the notes of his speech.] What's that you're readingwhat's that you're reading? McSHANE. The notes of your speech, sir. BOMPAS. Put those down! How dare you I How dare-! MCSHANE. What Lift up your voice to me again and I'll 148 THE TIMES publicly proclaim you the mean, fraudulent trickster that you undoubtedly are! BOMPAS. Sir I MCSHANE. Raise your voice half a tone above your ordinary dirty conversational level, and to-morrow all London shall ring with the vile imposture of which you're guilty! BOMPAS. Ah, McShane! McShane, it's you who are violent, not-not I. I-McShane, let's talk the matter over quietly-shall we? Quietly-both of us-quietlyquietlyMCSHANE. [Resuming his examination of the notes.] As I thought-as I thought. BOMPAS. You've no right to read those notes, McShane-no right whatever-no-noMCSHANE. A contemptible vituperation of the Party to which it is my pride to belong. BOMPAS. That speech, sir, is a-a-an avowal of-of the convictions of a lifetime. MCSHANE. See page three. THE TIMES 149 BoMPAS. That speech contains a-a-a lucid exposition cf my-my firm, undeviating political principlesMcSHANE. Your what? BOMPAS. Principles which have been the main guide and factor of a busy life; principles which are-areare-! MCSHANE. [Prompting him from the notes.] Which are as vital BOMPAS. That's it-as vital as the air I breathe, as thethe-! What are you doing-what are you doing? [McSIIANE is deliberately placing the notes in his breast-pocket. Twilight is falling. McSHANE. Bompas, you will not require these notes. BOMPAS. What do you mean? My speech! my speech! McSHANE. You will not deliver this speech, Bompas. BOMPAS. To-night! I speak it to-night! McSHANE. No, sir, you do not, because from this moment you abjure the political principles which have been the main guide and factor of your busy life 150 THE TIMES BOMPAS. II McSHIANE. From this moment you turn your back on convictions which are as vital as the air you breatheBOMPAS. I do not I McSHANE. You do! And in their place you will adopt the views and opinions, and the mode of reasoning, oi the Party to which it is my pride to belong. Bompas, you're ours! BOMPAS. Yours! Yours! MCSSHANE. Yes, Bompas, from this time forth your sympathies, your aspirations, your instincts, are purely Irish. [BOMPAS utters a low cry.] In the House, and out of it, you're now a staunch, consistent, and, when necessary, an animated supporter of Joseph Finnerty and Michael James Shannon. Think yourself mighty lucky you're let off so pleasantly for the trick you've played me over the widow. My first, unworthy impulse was to trumpet your rascality to the world. BO1MPAS. Oh I McSHANE. And then a finer, loftier inspiration came to meto utilise you in the cause of Patriotism! THE TIIMES 151 BOMPAS. No, no I McSHANE. Don't imagine I'm proud of you. But the handsome and regular contributions you'll make to our Parliamentary Fund will be acceptable, and the dirtiest vote counts on a division. [Holding out hi8 hand.] And so, Blankets-permanent! BOMPAS. Take care! You can't do this I! You sha'n't do it I I defy you! I defy you! MCSHANE. What's that I BOMPAS. No, no, I don't! McShane, McShnne-old fellow -old chap-be open to argument! If you make a political turncoat of me, I shall lose all my big friends -nobs!-nice people who'd be glad of any excuse to give me the cold-shoulder. Don't do it, don't do it, just as I'm laying hold of their coat-tails 1 McSIIANE. Ah, I'm ashamed of you! BOMPAS. McShane-dear old boy! I will support your Parliamentary Fund, munificently,-I will, I will; only let me do it in a quiet, unostentatious, anonymous way, and don't stop me from abusing your Party in the House I McShane, McShane! McSHANE. What! You're asking me to be a schemer and a 152 THE TIMES hypocrite like yourself, are you! No, sir! I'm an injured man-my feelings are outraged, my affections misplaced; but it's a convert I'm making, not a victim. It's no use, Bompas-you're ours. BoMPAS. Clara! [To MCSHANE.] You'd strangle my parliamentary career! Clara! You'd put your heel on the neck of a rising politician! Clara! Clara! Clara! [MRS. BOMPAS enters.] Clara! MRS. BOMPAS. I know-I've been listening. BOMPAS. My chance! my chance! MRS. BOMPAS. Mr. McShane! The great opportunity of my poor husband's life! McSHANE. Don't distress yourself, ma'am. We'll give him magnificent opportunities by-and-by,-long nights of 'em. MRS. BOMPAS. But this night! Man, haven't you any heart We're all ready to go down! McSHANE. I'm extremely sorry, but in view of his abrupt change of political views it would be better for him not to go back to the House this evening. THE TIMES 153 MRS. BOMPAS. Oh! BOMPAS. I will go down! I will! McSHANE. If you do, mind, you'll follow us boys into the lobby. BOMPAS. Ahh I McSHANE. [To MRS. BOMPAS.] Now, d'ye notice how agitated he is? Let him have a quiet evening at home. MRS. BoMPAS and BOMPAS. At home! [BoMPAS sinks into a chair, dazed. MRS. BOMPAS. Never mind, Percy. You-used to be-fond-of your home. MCSHANE. To-morrow morning I'll look in early and dictate a manifesto to his constituents. And now I'll hurry down and give the boys the intelligence. MRS. BOMPAS. Mr. McShane! Mr. McShane! McSHANE. Be easy, ma'am-on behalf of Joseph Finnerty and Michael James Shannon, I promise you this. You're ambitious, I believe, you and BlanketsBompas? 154 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. I don't know-perhaps-yes. MCSHANE. Mrs. Bompas, in the future, your house shall be the centre of a great political world; your establishment the axis of a mighty movement; your drawingroom a crowded salon-the meeting-place of a powerful, irresistible Party. MRS. BOMPAS. Party McSHANE. The Party to which it is now your husband's pride to belong. [He goes out. It is now dusk. BOMPAS. [Folding his arms and glaring wildly around him.] " Mr. Speaker-sir. Nothing but a stern sense of public duty; nothing but an acute perception of the obligation I am under to my constituents- " MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! hush! BOMPAS. "Nothing less would have induced me to follow the torrent of eloquence which has just preceded me with the feeble trickle of my own earnest but inadequate oratory. Conscious- " Mus. BonMPs. No, no THE TIMES 155 BOMPAS. " Hah, these interruptions do not find me unprepared! I am not unnerved by the howling of Irish wolves-!" MRS. BOMPAS. For mercy's sake, be quiet! BOMPAS. " Sir, if that expression is not in accord with the courtesies practised in this House--" MRS. BOMPAS. What are you thinking about? Old man I BOMPAS. "If-- " Oh? Eh? Clara MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes, it's Clara-Clara. BOMPAS. Oh, my speech, my speech! JELF appears. MRS. BOMPAS. What is it? JELF. The carriage is at the door, ma'am. MRS. BOMPAS. [To BOMPAS.] Shall I-tell him? [With an effort BoMPAS nods assent.] Your master dous not go down to the House to-night. J ELF, Not, ma'am I I56 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. No. Send the carriage back to the stables. Turn up the light! [JELF disappears quickly. The room is brightly illuminated by electric light. MRS. BOMPAS. Come, Percy! Be a man! We're not crushed yet. BOMPAS. Not crushed yet. MRS. BOMPAS. After all, we've only changed our political views from-purely-conscientious motives. Heaven forgive us! BOMPAS. Yes, yes-conscientious motives; that's it-yes, yes. MRS. BOMPAS. Besides, think, our danger's over. We've bought that little wretch's silence. We're safe-our danger's passed-we're safe! BOMPAS. Safe! Yes, of course we are-safe MRS. BOMPAS. Nothing stops us now! BOMPAS. Nothing! Nothing! MRS. BOMPAS Beryl will be married next month-gloriously THE TIMES 157 married. Our Beryl, Lady Lurgashall! Think of it! think of it! BoMPAS. Lady Lurgashall! The future Countess of Ripstow! Our Beryl! MRS. BOMPAS. Ha, ha, ha! Old man! Eh BOMPAS. Ha, ha! ha, ha I BOTH. Ha, ha! ha, ha! [They link arms, laughing and chuckling. BERYL enters. BERYL. Mamma. MRS. BOMPAS. We-were-just talking about you, child. BERYL. Mamma, I don't know how I am to tell you. MRS. BOMPAS. Tell me-what? BERYL. Lord Lurgashall has just left the house. MRS. BOMPAS. Why, of course, he was to meet us atBERYL. No, no, you don't see what I mean. He has left this house for ever; he will never return. 158 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS and BOMPAS. What I BERYL. I have told him that I cannot marry him, and our engagement is at an end. [BOMPAS advances excite'ly to BERYL; MRS. BOMPAS clings to his arm. MRS. BOMPAS. No, no, Percy! This shall be put right to-morrow -a lover's quarrel. BERYL. It is nothing of the kind. My mind is made up. I will help to deceive our set about Howard's marriage, -you can make me do that; but you shall not make me deceive the poor fellow who wishes to marry me because of my honesty. BOMPAS. Ahhh MRS. BOMPAS. Beryl. BERYL. Understand me I You shan't shake me! I mean it-I mean it I [She goes out. MRS. BOMPAS. Our-children I OurBOMPAS. Our-children I Ho, yes! MRS. BOMPAS. No, no, not our children-not both of them. THE TIMES 159 There's still Howard. Poor boy, he's been imprudent, but [sobbing] he's a nice boy at heart. HOWARD staggers on, in evening dress, his hat on the back of his head, a large flower in his buttonhole. HOWARD. Tha's ri', 'On-or-ror-ria, you practise your scales while I'm gone. You--- Ullo, ma, you 'ere! I'm off out for th' evenin'. MRS. BOMPAS. Howard! HOWARD. Wha's ma'rrer? 'Ullo, pa! Th' servants say you're not goin' down to 'Ouse of Corn's to-night after all. Funked it, hey-funked it! Hic I MRs. BOMPAS and BoMPAS. Oh! HOWARD. So I've told 'On-or-ror-ria to pound away at her scales for an hour or so while I 'ave look round. Bye-bye 1 MRS. BOMPAS. [Seizing him by the lapels of his coat.] Wretch I BOMPAS. [Taking him by the coat-collar.] Blackguard! HOWARD. At me again! When do I do ri'? I dun' know. x6o THE TIMES BOMPAS. You-you're not sober! HOWARD. No, I am not sober! I've 'ad dre'ful month, this las' month, and I am drowning my misfortunes in the bowl. Le' me alone! [Snapping his fingers in BoMPAS's face.] There! I'm iiy own master! I'm young married English gentleman-with Uni-university education! [He goes out, MRS. BOMPAS and BOMPAS sit staring blankly bejore them. HONORIA is heard practising her " scales" in another room. MRS. BOMPAS creeps over to her husband and puts her arms round him. END OF THE THIRD ACT. THE FOURTH ACT The scene is the same as before, but it is now early morning of the day subsequent to the events of the previous act. BOMPAS, still in evening dress, but looking very much crumpled, is asleep on the settee. JELF enters, whistling. JELF. The gov'nor I Why, he hasn't been to bed all night I Phew [He is walking away on tiptoe, when he meets MRS. BOMPAS entering the room, dressed in a morning wrapper, and looking pale and agitated. MRs. BOMPAS. Jelf, I am anxious about your master; he is not in his room. I can't think-- JELF. All right, ma'am. There he is; he must have dropped off here. MRS. BOMPAS. Oh I [JELF goes Out. L 162 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. What can he have been doing all the night long? [Turning over a litter of papers on the table.] " To the Electors of the Northern Division of St. Swithin's." [BOMPAs moans.] Poor old man! [Reading.] "Gentlemen. Actuated solely by conscientious motives- " [BonMPAs mutters in his sleep.] He's dreaming,hark! BOMPAS. [In his sleep.] " Mr. Speaker--sir I" MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, dear BOMPAS. " Nothing but a stern sense of public duty--" MRS. BOMPAS. That miserable speech! BOMPAS. "Nothing but an acute perception -" MRS. BOMPAS. Stop! [Shaking him.] Percy! BOMPAS. [Opening his eyes.] Eh? MRS. BOMPAS. Wake, wake! [He starts to his feet.] Where are you going? THE TIMES 063 BOMPAS. The Division-the Division! MRS. BOMPAS. No, no-you're at home. It's morning. BOMPAS. At home-morning-I've been dozing-I- [Sees his notes on the table.] " Gentlemen. Actuated solely by conscientious motives- " I-I remember. [He looks broken down, and much older than in the previous acts. MRS. BOMPAS. What have you been doing all night? BOMPAS. Trying to furnish my constituents with my reasons for becoming a member of the Irish Party. MRS. BOMPAS. Can't you-manage it? BOMPAS. No. I began in the library, but my ideas wouldn't flow. I've started afresh in nearly every room in the house, but my ideas won't flow. I don't get any further than "conscientious motives." MRS. BOMPAS. Old man, do you remember twenty years ago when you'd just sold our business at Kennington,and bought the two shops which were to grow into our present colossal establishment? ?64 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Rather, as if it were yesterday. MRS. BOMPAS. And do you remember how we sat down together, you and I, and drew up an announcement to our old customers? BoMPAS. Yes. MRS. BOMPAS. "Percy Bompas has the honour to hope--" BOMPAS. " That in embarking upon his great enterprise in the West End of London- " MRS. BOMPAS. " He will not lose the support and good-will of those old friends- " BOMPAS. "Who have laid the foundation of his present prosperity." Ah! MRS. BOMPAS. Our ideas used to flow in those days, old man, didn't they? BOMPAS. I-I suppose it was because we were younger. MRS. BOMPAS and BOMPAS. [Sighing.] Ahh I [He sits beside her. BOMPAS. That was when we took a house at Haverstock Hill; do you remember? THE TIMES 165 MRS. BOMPAS. Do I remember! Our first home this side of the water. BOMPAS. [Sadly.] How we have got on since then! MRS. BOMPAS. Haven't we? It was a nice house though. BOMPAS. You think so because we did so much to it ourselves. MRS. BOMPAS. I put up the short blinds in the bedrooms with my own hands-I know that. I preferred doing it. BOMPAS. I hung every blessed picture in that house. I can almost feel the blisters from the cord now. MRS. BouPAS. I wonder what we should think of it all to-day if we could see it again. BOMPAS. Not much-after this. MRS. BOMPAS. I suppose not; we've got on so since then, haven't we? BOMPAS. Rather. MRS. BOMPAS and BOMPAS. [Sighing.] Ahh! [She gently puts her hand in his. 166 THE TIMES MRs. BOMPAS. Our first big half-past-seven dinner-party; do you remember? BOMPAS. Oh, lor' yes, Clara-never mind that. MRS. BOMPAS. Well, dear, we were inexperienced then. We gave them plenty to eat though, eh? BOMPAS. It took you half an hour to write each menu. MRS. BOMPAS. Part of the food was sent in, I recollect, and part of it was done at home. BOMPAS. It doesn't matter much now-many that were there won't clatter another knife and fork-but to this day I regret the part of it that was done at home. MRS. BOMPAS. My face burns too, after all these years, when I think of it. BoMPAS. Do you remember where cook's cap was found MRs. BOMPAS. Be quiet! BOMPAS. That was the night, too, when we had one of our men from the shop, with "P. Bompas" round his coat-collar, to announce the guests. THE TIMES 167 MRS. BOMPA. It seemed all right then. BOMPAS. Yes, by Jove, it's astonishing how we've got on since. MRS. BOMPAS and BOMPAS. Ahh I BOMPAS. Well, I suppose Id better change my clothes. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy. Percy, old man, do you ever feel you'd like to go back? BOMPAS. Back? MRS. BOMPAS. I mean, to keep our experience, but to go back to the contented, simple part of the old times. BOMPAS. It's no good wishing that, Clara. When you've got knowledge you've lost everything else. It seems to me there's only one thing to do in this world-to go on; even if you're on the wrong road, Clara, my dear, get on, get on. TRIMBLE enters, clutching a newspaper and much agitated. TRIMBLE. Here you are! Oh, dear friends I BOMPAS. Trimble 1 168 THE TIMES MRs. BOMPAs. Monty! TRIMBLE. Have you seen it? MRS. BOMPAS. Seen what? TRIMBLE. The Morning Message. MRS. BOMPAS. Miss Cazalet's paper! BOMPAS. Ah! Anything about me? TRIMBLE. Anything about you Say us, us, dear E-B! It's all out! MRS. BOMPAS. Out! BOMPAS. What's all out? TRIMBLE. The whole bag o' tricks. And she has had the temerity to drag me into it--me, me! Look, lookin the " Everybody's Friend " column! [Reading.] "A Fraud on Society." MRS. BOMPAS. Great powers! TRIMBLE. "It is time that some light should be thrown on the projected marriage of the son of a wealthy Mem THE TIMES 169 ber of Parliament and the daughter of a mysterious Hibernian widow, who is stated to have passed some years of her life in improving the condition of the Dakota Indians." MRS. BOMPAs and BOMPAS. Mrs. Mountrafford I TRIMBLE. Wait! "As a matter of fact, the accepted history of the widow's antecedents is a pure invention." MRS. BOMPAS. You're so slow! [She snatches the paper from him. MRS. BOMPAS. [Reading.] " A marriage has already taken place between the parties before the Registrar of a remote district in Wales, and the second ceremony is a barefaced attempt to palm off on Society the young woman and her mother, under assumed names, as people of some distinction." [The paper drops from MRS. BOMPAS'S hand. TRIMBLE. Good gracious me, you're missing the most outrageous part of it, dear Mrs. E-B! This is the allusion which will rouse your indignation. Listen. [Reading.] " We believe we are correct in stating that the audacious conspiracy owes its inception to an honourable dear friend of the young husband's family." There! Can there be any question as to whom that points? I've never been so upset. My position in Society is at stake. What am I to do? Dear friends! Really! 170 THE TIMES Not a word of sympathy! Upon my soul, this isI regret to employ the term-very like ingratitude. MRS. BOMPAS. [To herself.] After all-after everything-held up to the whole world! TRIMBLE. Naturally, the first step you will take is to deny these assertions indignantly. MRS. BOMPAS. Deny I They can be proved to the hilt. TRIMBLE. Well, well, but at the worst you can declare that you have yourselves been cruelly deceived. MRS. BOMPAS. No, no, I-I can't. TRIMBLE. You can't! Dear-dear friends, I-I admit that I am for once slightly swayed by personal considerations. Pray remember what you owe to me I MRS. BOMPAS. Who has betrayed us? TRIMBLE. Obviously, McShane. That detestable widow must have told him, and heMRS. BOMPAS. No, no-we've secured his silence. THE TIMES 171 TRIMBLE. You have I BoMPAS. Mr. Trimble, you are not aware that I am a member of the Irish Party. TRIMBLE. No! BOMPAS. Yes-yes. TRIMBLE. And after the way I've laboured for you in the very highest Conservative circles! Then the traitor must be here, in your own establishment, dear Mrs. E-B. You must put your finger upon him or her before we go further. Pray, let us summon every interested person. [MRS. BOMPAS and TRIMBLE pull the bellropes. MRS. BOMPAS. What's the use of it? TRIMBLE. The use of it! Dear lady, do try to consider the terrible position in which my good-nature has placed me! JELF enters. JELF. [To BOMPAs-in a low voice.] I don't know whether you'll see anybody, sir, but 172 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. Jelf, your mistress desires to speak to Mrs. Mountrafford, Miss Mountrafford, Mr. Howard, and Miss Beryl, here, at once. JELF. Yes, sir, butTRIMBLE. Do you hear? At once! Really [JELF withdraws. TRIMBLE. Ouf! There are certain contingencies which I believe even the keenest intellect- Good gracious I MRS. BOMPAS. What? TRIMBLE. Why, look, look! What's the meaning of this? MIss CAZALET enters, pale, agitated, and in tears. TRIMBLE, MRS. BOMPAS, and BoMPAs. Miss Cazalet! Miss CAZALET. You-you know what I've done? MRS. BOMPAS. Oh, you wicked woman! How can you show your face here! Miss CAZALET. You do know. Oh, I am so wretched I THE TIMES 173 MRS. BOMPAS. Wretched! Miss CAZALET. Listen, dear-I don't mean dear, I mean Mrs. Bompas. I was quite mad last night; mad with vexation, indignation, anything you like to call it. Just think! To be kicked out of a decent house by an old woman you hate! Ah, even now, when I'm sorry, I could slap her in the face! MRS. BOMPAS. What have you come here to say-not this? TRIMBLE. Sssh! sssh! sssh! Miss CAZALET. When I left here I had only one idea in my head, to be revenged on her. Oh, if I could have got hold of her husband, as I might have done years ago, what a fool I would have made of him I MRS. BOMPAS. Miss Cazalet! MTSS CAZALET. Well, I rushed down to Boswell Court-you know, the office of the M. M.--in a fury. I saw that by discrediting your family I could humiliate the woman whose son is engaged to your daughter, and I scribbled those lines. Ah, I almost wrote them with my nails! MRS. BOMPAS. Cruel! heartless! 174 THE TIMES Miss CAZALET. Then I supped at the club, off biscuits and champagne, and went home to bed. To bed! Look at the rings round my eyes! I declare I haven't slept a wink. Look here, I'm downright sorry-there! You've been very kind to me, you and your stupid husband-I beg your pardon, there he is; and I've behaved like a-what you please-to sacrifice you to hit Lady Ripstow. So now, tell me what to do to put things right; I'll do anything while I'm in a penitent mood like this-anything. Oh, I'm an inconsistent, miserable, ill-conditioned woman, and have been all my life! TRIMBLE. [To MRS. BOMPAS.] Most fortunate. An ample apology to myself and others in her paper to-morrow will set things straight. MRS. BOMPAS. Never; some busybody is sure to inquire further and discover the facts. TRIMBLE. Of course, of course. We must divert the suspicion from ourselves. I have it! She must publicly and explicitly apologise to some other family. It's all right-I remember a similar case in which I-- [Taking a lozenge.] Now, what you have to do, dear Miss Cazalet, is to place yourself unreservedly in my handsMiss CAZALET. Your hands! What business is it of yours? THE TIMES 175 TRIMBLE. Dear lady, you forget I am the person most grossly libelled! Miss CAZALET. Oh, of course, I've mentioned you, haven't I? TRIMBLE. Mentioned me! MRS. BOMPAS. [Looking through the doorway.] Mrs. Mountrafford! TRIMBLE. [To Miss CAZALET.] Come into the next room and I'll advise you in your terrible difficulty. Come, come. Miss CAZALET. Mr. Bompas-Mr. Bompas-when I go down to the office I'll instruct some one to write a short complimentary leader on your last night's speech. [BOMPAS raises his head.,She is startled at his appearance.] Ah! BOMPAS. Madam, I never spoke. TRIMBLE. Sssh, sssh! He's a member of the Irish Party. Come along. [As TRIMBLE and Miss CAZALET go out, MRS. IHOOLEY enters, followed by Hoi;oRIA and BERYL. MRS. HOOLEY. You've heard from him! 176 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Him I MRS. HOOLEY. Tim! He's repented of his unkindness! He's-! MRS. BOMPAS. [Handing her the newspaper.] Look at this, all of you! IRead it! read it! [MRS. HOOLEY, HONORIA, and BERYL read the newspaper. MRS. BOMPAS. Now see what you and your daughter have brought us to! MRS. HOOLEY. Owh! HoNORIA. Oh, mother I MRS. HOOLEY. Oh, the unfavourable comments! MRs. BOMPAS. Who is it that has helped to bring this final disgrace upon us-that is what we want to know. Dishonourable as we've been, Mr. Bompas and I haven't quite deserved this. There, my heart's broken I BERYL. Mamma MRS. BOMPAS. Go away! You've been against us all through Your sympathy's no good; Pa and I don't want it. THE TIMES 177 MRS. HOOLEY. Oh, the uncomplimentary allusions! [BERYL steals over to BOMPAS and sits beside him. BOMPAS. Ee-ry! BERYL. Papa dear. BOMPAS. Ah! you can crow over ma and me now. This is your triumph, this is. BERYL. My triumph! [slipping her arm through his and laying her head upon his shoulder.] Oh, papa, just think I LADY RIPSTow and DENHAM enter. MRS. BOMPAS. Lady Ripstow I Lord Lurgashall! BERYL. [To herself.] Denham! [She goes out quickly. MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! Percy! [BOMPAS raises his head with an effrt, then lets it sink again. LADY RIPSTOW. I am painfully distressed. You have seen that terrible woman's newspaper? [Mrs. BOMPAS nods.] To my horror I find that one of the maids has allowed the wretched news-sheet to be brought into my house. x 178 THE TIMES and so these paragraphs have come under my notice. Of course you give an emphatic denial to the hideous charges. MRS. BOMPAS. [Trying ineffectually to rouse BOMPAS.] Percy! Oh! LADY RIPSTOW. Surely-Lurgashall! Ah, here are the two ladies who are implicated! Mrs. Mountrafford, Miss Mountrafford, I ask for your assurance that there is not the slightest foundation for these abominable insinuations. MRS. HOOLEY. Oh, the misfortunes that have come on us! HONORIA. Mother, darling! [Mns. HOOLEY and HONORIA sit, embracing and w eeping. LADY RIPSTOW. I-1 understand. [To DENHAM.] Take me away! MRS. BOMPAS. Lady Ripstow, you evidently don't know-Lord Lurgashall has not told youLADY RIPSTOW. What? MRS. BOMPAS. His engagement to Beryl is broken off. LADY RIPSTOW. [Turning to DENHAM.] Broken off? THE TIMES 179 DENHAM. Last night. LADY IPPSTOW. My son-my boy! The relief is too great! I-I can hardly credit it! And to think-that-up to yesterday--there was some question of-Lord Ripstow-calling! [She sinks into a chair. DENHAM. [To MIR. BOMPAS.] Don't be alarmed. My mother is always like this at the end of the Season. I think her drops are in the carriage. [He goes out. Lucy TUCK, pale, red-eyed, and trembling, enters quietly. HONORIA. Miss Tuck! Lucy. Mrs. Bompas I MRS. BOMPAS. Child I LucY. Oh, Mrs. Bompas, they think I've come back for my boxes-but please, please hear what I've got to say. I have seen the paper-this dreadful thing in the paper I It's my fault that it's there-all my fault. MRS. BOMPAS. Your fault? LucY. Yes, when your son told me the secret of his mat riage--- 8Io THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. My boy told you? Howard! BoMPAS. Ah! HOWARD enters, wearing a gaily-coloured morning-jacket. HowARD. Do you want me, pa? BoMPAs. Do I-I-I-! MRS. BOMPAS. Percy! No, no! HOWARD. Here! what now? At me again BOMPAS. I --I-I MRS. BOMPAS. Oh dear, oh dear! [BOMPAS sinks back on to the settee. HONORIA seizes HOWARD and drags him away. HONORIA. Come away, now! HOWARD. When do I do right! I dun'[The newspaper is put into his hands, THE TIMES LucY. Oh, don't blame him-blame me! For instead of keeping the secret as I ought to have done, I blurted it out to my-my-my aunt, and now-now I Oh, you will forgive her! MRS. BOMPAS. Forgive her! Lucy. Yes, yes, you must. A friend has just called in at our lodgings to say that unless every syllable of what aunt has stated can be substantiated, she could be sent to prison for a vindictive libel! To prison I LADY RIPSTOW. Certainly I LucY. Lady Ripstow! I didn'tLADY RIPSTOW. And if ever a woman deserved such a fate- I LucY. Ah, no, but you wouldn't do it, would you! You wouldn't do it! Mr. Bompas-Mrs. Bompas-oh, please, please! You don't know-you don't know-! MISS CAZALET enters, Jollowed by TRIMBLE. Miss CAZALET. Lucy! LucY. [Throwing her arms impulsively around Mirss CAZALET.] Oh, mother, mother! 182 THE TIMES MRS. BOMPAS. Mother? LADY RIPSTOW. Mother? Miss CAZALET. Lady Ripstow! [Whispering to LucY, disengaging herself.] You little-! I-I knew you'd do this some day! LucY. [Whispering to Miss CAZALET.] I didn't mean to- I It escaped me! Miss CAZALET. [To LucY.] Hush! Run away, child. I'll follow you. [Lucy goes out with faltering steps.] Sweet girl! How fond we are of each other! [To MRS. BoMPAs.1 I am teaching her to call me Mother. You heard her? It is only affection's little comedy, but the mere name soothes a lonely woman. LADY RIPSTOW. Ahh I Miss CAZALET. [To MRS. BOMPAS, ofering hcr hand.] Good-bye. [MRS. BOMPAS, half-frightened, shakes hinds with her. MiS. BouPs. G-good--bye. THE TIMES i83 Miss CAZALET. Lady Ripstow, you're looking very old. When Lord Ripstow once did me the honour of calling upon me he told me that he was a great admirer of young women. Think that over. Good-day. [She goes out. LADY RIPSTOW. It isn't true. Fiend! It isn't true. MRS. BOMPAS. Lady Ripstow! TRIMBLE. Dear Lady R. I LADY RIPSTOW. Lurgashall! Where is Lurgashall? JELF shows in MCSHANE, who carries a newspaper. Directly MRS. HOOLEY sees MCSHANE she hovers about him persistently. MCSHANE. I see him. [Showing newspaper.] Mr. Bompas, I'll trouble you to look at that. Ah, I see you've seen it. Upon my soul, sir, I'm disheartened. Is this the way you keep a delicate family secret? To think that such an exposure should occur on the very morning the leading papers chronicle your conversion to the Irish party! MRS. HOOLEY. Tim. McSIIANE. What's that? 184 THE TIMES MRs. HOOLEY. Tim, darling. MCSHANE. Good morning, ma'am; I'm talking to Mr. Bompas on political matters. [To BOMPAS.] Oh, it makes me sick to contemplate it! Badly as we wanted you, we can't take you with a disgraceful accusation hanging over you. People are so fastidious nowadays. Go away, Kathleen. [Returning to BOMPAS.] But understand me now, we sha'n't part with you without a struggle. [To MRS. HOOLEY.] I'm speaking privately, ma'am. [To BOMPAS.] Somehow or other we must bottle the horrible affair up-the Party will help. If we don't succeed, sir, I warn you, we'll not have you with us; we will not be polluted by you! We'll not - Will you leave us, Kitty? Oh, the vexation this'll be to Michael James Shannon! Look here, ma'am, now-Oh, the disgust of Jo Finnerty 1 TRIMBLE. Dear Mr. McS.! McSHANE. Your confidential adviser. [To MRS. HOOLEY.] If you don't release my coat, ma'amTRIMBLE. Now I know you've seen the monstrous paragraphs which have appeared this morning. MCSHANJ. Seen--1 TRIMBLE. I thought so. But, dear Mr. McShane, I hope you don't need my assurance that those very personal THE TIMES 185 allusions are not intended to refer to our dear friend there at allMCSHANE. Not intended-! TRIMBLE. And, what is more, the next, and I believe final, issue of that unhappy journal will tender the humblest apology to the actual family so mercilessly libelled; some very worthy people of the name of Higginson, I am informed. MCSHANE. [To TRIMBLE.] I grasp the move, Mr. Trimble; I understand, sir. [To BOMPAS.] Well, well, then I suppose you'll be permitted to make your first contribution to our Parliamentary Fund in the course of to-morrow. Ah, but I'm ashamed of both of you! Oh, the trickery of it! Oh, the-! What is it, Kitty? [He retires with MRs. HOOLEY. MRs. BOMPAS. Percy LADY RIPSTOW. What I have to say, Mr. Bompas, is that, under the circumstances, I deem it my duty not to altogether withdraw my friendship from your family. TRIMBLE. Charming! LADY RIPSTOW. My old friend, Mr. Trimble, has hurriedly explained to me the weak but amiable way in which he allowed himself to be dragged into this affair I86 THE TIMES TRIMBLE. I don't regret it. LADY RIPSTOW. And I gather that means have been taken to avert disgrace. During the brief remainder of the present Season, therefore, we shall exchange greetings upon meeting as usual. TRIMBLE. This is quite delightful. And so things in this really charming house will go on in the same old pleasant routine, just as before. MRs. BOMPAS. Just as before. BOMPAS. Just as before. LADY RIPSTOW. With the exception, of courseTRIMBLE. Oh, dear Lurgashall and-ahem! Of course. Otherwise, just as before. MRS. BOMPAS and BOMPAS. [To themselves.] Just as before. TRIMBLE. Just-as-before. BOMPAS. No! No I No! [T'here is a general movement of surpria. THE TIMES 187 DENHAM and BERYL enter. MRs. BOMPAS. Percy! TRIMBLE. Dear E-B I BOMPAS. [To MRS. BOMPAS.] Sit down! MRS. BOMPAS. Why-? BOMPAS. Sit down, old lady. Take a sheet of paper-quick, Clara!--and write-write-write I MRS. BOMPAS. "What-what? BOMPAS. [Dictating.] " To the Editor of The Times. Sir." [MRS. BOMPAS writes. McSHANE. What ails him? [Gripping LADY RIPSTOW'S arm.] Kathleen-I beg your pardon. [Turning to MRS. HOOLEY.] Kathleen! BOMPAS. [Dictating.] " Permit me to announce to my constituents, through your columns, that I intend to immediately resign my seat in the HouseMRs. BOMPAS. [Writing.] Percy I TRIMBLE. Dear friend! i88 THE TIMES MCSHANE. Mr. Bompas, are you demented? BOMPAS. [To MCSHANE.] Keep away from me! Keep away! MCSHANE. [Retreating against LADY RIPSTOW.] Kathleen! I beg your pardon. [To MRs. HOOLEY.] Kathleen I BOMPAS. [Dictating.] "1 - to retire from business, and to reside abroad." TRIMBLE. Now, dear E-B, I must speak a word- I HOWARD. Oh! Here, pa-! MCSHANE. Upon my soul--! [To LADY RIPSTOW.] Excuse me. BOMPAS. [Dictating.] " Your obedient servant." TRIMBLE, MCSHANE and HOWARD. No, no, no I BOMPAS. Ring the bell, Clara-ring the bell! [MRS. BOMPAS rings.] [Writing.] "Percy - Bompas." No Egerton. Damn the Egerton! LADY RIPSTOW and MRS. HOOLEY. Oh I THE TIMES 189 MCSHANE. Oh, the vile language! [BOMPAS addresses and seals the ldter. TRIMBLE. But-but-but, dear E-B, you're undoing all I've done for you! This is practically an admission ofof everything that's unpleasant! MCSHANE. Absolutely! LADY RIPSTOW. Without doubt! MRS. HOOLEY. Ah, he's ruining my character for me 1 JELF enters. BOMPAS. [To JELF.] By messenger. TRIMBLE. Dear friend, pause-pause! You are fatally compromising me I BOMPAS. Tout! meddler! go-between! TRIMBLE. My position in Society! I-I- I BOMPAS. [Handing the letter to JELF.] By messenger-at once! [JELF withdraws. TRIMBLE. A confession-and I involved! A confession! 190o THE TIMES BOMPAS. Yes, a confession. Clara-old lady-I-I've broken down. My head's gone-I can't stand it any longer. Take me away-out of it-out of it! MRS. BOMPAS. Yes, yes, Percy. BOMPAS. I wasn't always as I am now. It is "getting on in the world" that has ruined me. I've thought of it all-night through. A self-tnught man must always be a proud fool; he has a double share of vanitythe vanity of the re.,dy pupil and the vanity of the successful tutor combined! He is blown out till he bursts! I say there ought to be a law to stop men like me from " getting on" beyond a certain point. Prosperity weakens our brains and hardens our hearts; it takes honest friends from us and seats things like that [pointing to TRIMBLE] in their chairs; it spoils good wives and breeds bad children-- MRS. BOMPAS. No, no, Percy-it hasn't utterly spoilt me. I'm tired too. We'll go away together, you and I, old man, to some place where we're not known, and we'll try back-shall we, shall we? [She kneels beside him.] All right, Percy-cheer up, old man I HOWARD. Here, ma I This is a nice blow to my prospects in life 1 THE TIMES 191 HONORIA. Come away! You've got me. McSHANE. [To himself.] Well, well, I suppose I'll explain matters to Michael James Shannon and Mr. Finnerty as best I can. I've done my utmost for the Party, and if Mr. Finnerty gives me any of his temperbut I'll not anticipate. [Contemplating BoMPAs.] Upon my soul, that's a humiliating spectacle! Oh, the moral I could draw from it. [MRs. BOMPAS looks round at him fiercely.] Take him away, ma'am, as soon as possible- he's not made of the right material for political life. Oh, what an escape the Party's had! [He goes out. MRS. HOOLEY. Tim, dear [She steals out ajter MCSHANE. LADY RIPSTOW. Mr. Trimble-Mr. TrimbleTRIMBLE. Oh! LADY RIPSTOW. Pray take me downstairs; Lurgashall has evidentlyDENHAM. I am here, mother. One moment. Mr. Bompas-- MRS. BOMPAS. Percy I 192 THE TIMES BOMPAS. Well? DENHAM. You are going to leave London, to live abroad, I hear. BOMPAS. Yes! DENHAM. There is one duty which I hope you will perform, sir, before you start. BOMPAS. Duty? DENHAM. A father's duty-to give Beryl to me, at our marriage. MRS. BOMPAS. Berry! LADY RIPSTOW. No, no! I forbid it! BOMPAS. Lurgashall! After all! After all [He sways; DENHAM supports him.] Oh! Lurgashall! 1THE END. Printed by BALLAITYNE & CO. LIMITED. Tavistock Street, London