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1001
WAYS
TO
BEAT
THE
DRAFT
by TULI KUPFERBERG and ROBERT BASHLOW
OLIVER LAYTON PRESS/New York




AVEC

A PP ROBATIO N,

E T PRIVILEGE
D V, RO T.

The authors hereby acknowledge the contributions of the following:
BB, EB, AD, RD, ee, GE, AG, NC, PG, PH, BK, DK, LK, OK,
SK, DL, LM, GPO, PO, ES, HS, JS, TS, TW- KW
A copy of this material has not been filed with the Foreign Agents
Registration Section, Department of Justice, Washington, D. C.,
where the registration statement of Oliver Layton Press, as the nonforeign publisher or distributor of this publication, is not available
for inspection. The fact of non-registration does not indicate approval
of this material by the government of the United States.
Copyright @ 1966 by Oliver Layton Press
First published 1966 by
Oliver Layton Press
Box 150, Cooper Station
New York, N. Y. 10003
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 66-28194
Manufactured in the United States of America




1 Grope J. Edgar Hoover in the silent halls of Congress.
2 Get thee to a nunnery.
3  Fly to the moon and refuse to come home.
4 Die.
5  Become Secretary of Defense.
6  Become Secretary of State.
7 Become Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare.
8  Show a li'l tit.
9 Castrate yourself.
10 Invent a time machine and go back to the 19th century.
11 Start to menstruate. (Better red than dead.)
12 Attempt to overthrow   the Government of the United
States by force and violence.
13 Advocate sexual freedom for children.
14 Shoot up for a day.
15  Refuse to speak to them at all.
16 Enroll at the Jefferson School of Social Science.
17 Replace your feet with wheels.
18 Rent a motel room with a ewe.
19 Rent a motel room with a ram.
20 Say you'Pre crazy.
21  Say they're crazy.
22  Get muscular dystrophy when you're a kid.
23  Marry J. Edgar Hoover.
24  Take up residence in Albania.
25  Stretch yourself on a rack so that you become over 6%
feet tall.

3




26 Marry your mother.
27 Marry your father.
28 Blow up the Statue of Liberty.
29 Marry your sister.
30 Marry your brother.
31 Marry your daughter.
32 Join the Abraham Lincoln Brigade.
33 Marry your son.
34 Marry Lassie.
35 Marry President Johnson.
36 Marry Mao Tse-tung.
37 Proclaim that Mao Tse-tung is the Living God.
38 Proclaim that you are the Living God.
39 Stamp your foot in the earth like Rumpelstiltskin and
refuse to eat until our boys return from Viet Nam.
40 Get elected Pope.
41 Get elected to the Supreme Soviet.
42 Get lost.
43 Shoot A for one month.
44 Grow seven toes on your head.
45 Commit an unnatural act with Walter Jenkins.
46 Make the world go away.
47 Wear pants made of jello.
48 Say you are a wounded veteran of the lutte des classes.
49 Solder your eyelids shut.
50 Ride naked through the streets on a white horse.
51 Declare war on Germany.
52 Tell the draft board that you will send your mother to
fight in Viet Nam in your place.
53 Study Selective Service reports on malingering and military medicine, and/or military psychiatry texts or journal
articles on the same subject, and use the clever methods
they describe.
54 Organize your own army and advance on Washington.
55 Tell the psychiatrist that if he doesn't let you into the
Army you'll kill him.
56 Turn yellow.
57 Infiltrate your local board.
58 Don't agree to anything.

4




National Headquarters
SELECTIVE SERVICE SYSTEAI
Washington, D. C.
November 13, 1940
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                      Release No. 110
From.the M.exican State of Coahuila which borders on the American
State of Texas comes a story of the patriotism of an American-born citizen
of Mexican extraction who registered for Selective Service in the United
States, returned to his home where he was fatally wounded and then made
the dying request that his picture be taken in his coffin so that no one
would believe he was hiding to escape training under the American Selective
Service Law.
The story was revealed today by the State Department when making
public correspondence from G. R. Willson, American Consul, Piedras Negras,
Coahuila, Mexico, who wrote concerning the attitude of American-born men
of Mexican ancestry who registered in the United States fpr Selective Service
and who went back to their Mexican homes until such time as they might be
called for training by local boards of the United States.
One of these registrants was Tomas Godina who, on October 16, crossed
the border to register for service as an American citizen. Just eleven days
later he was mortally wounded in a fight in Mexico.
On his deathbed he told his mother and sister with whom he lived:
"After I am dead have my picture taken in my coffin so that if I
am called to service In the United States and do not come you can show the
picture and everyone will know I am not hiding somewhere trying to avoid
service in the American Army."
The correspondence was forwarded from the State Department to C. A.
Dykstra, director of Selective Service.
(End)




59 Contract Addison's disease.             AWOL Soldier Seized
60 Contract Parkinson's disease.        WILKES-BARRE, Pa., March
61  Contract Bright's disease.         18 (UPI)-James Richmond,
62  Contract Hodgkin's disease.        20-year-old serviceman who had
63  Contract Cushing's disease.        been absent without leave from
Frhlich's syndrome.  the Army since last June, was
64  Contract Frhlich's syndrome.       picked up by the Federal Bu65 Announce that you have become       reau of Investigation Friday as
the bridegroom of the Virgin Mary.  he hid in a tunnel in the cellar
66 Announce that you have become       of his mother's home in nearby
Hanover Township.
the bridegroom of Jesus Christ.
67  Get your friends to crucify you.
68  Counterfeit money and omit the motto In God We Trust.
69 Become a publisher of smut and filth.
70  Become the publisher of the Little Mao Tse-tung Library.
71  Prove that Brezhnev is a Trotskyite wrecker.
72 Burn down the building located at 39 Whitehall Street.
73.. 450 Golden Gate Ave.
74.. 536 South Clark Street    FEZ, Morocco, March 3 -
King Hassan II announced to75... 55 Tremont Street.     day the institution of compul78...916 G Street NW.        sory military service in a speech
76  9 GSon the 10th anniversary of
77  Burn down the Pentagon.    Moroccan independence and the
78  Burn baby burn.           o5th anniversary of his accession
79 Write a best-selling novel
which portrays the CIA as incompetent.
80  Catch St. Anthony's fire.
81  Say you'd be happy to serve because it'll be easier to kill
the fucken Americans who are interfering with the freedom of Viet Nam.
82 Recite the Pledge of Allegiance 2400 times a day.
83  Cut off your ears. In ancient times no animal was sacrificed unless it was a perfect specimen.
84  Cut off your left ear and send it to the draft board.
85 Grow a tail.
86  Learn to talk with your anus.
87  Become a graduate student in a subject vital to the
national security, such as the epistemology of phenomenological methodology. Achieve your degree only after
fifteen years of 2-S.

6




88  Crow old fast, or
89 When you reach the age of 17 don't get any older.
90 Drink an elixir that will cause you to shrink to a height
of 2 feet, 3 inches.
91 Buy a slave and send him in your place.
92 Take your girlfriend with you when you get called and
insist you will not serve unless you can sleep with her
at night.
93 Take your boyfriend with you when you get called and
insist that you will not serve unless you can sleep with
him at night.
94 Take your mother with you when you get called and
insist you will not serve unless you can sleep with her
at night.
95 Take your chihuahua with you when you get called and
insist you will not serve unless you can sleep with it
at night.
96 Wet your bed.
97 When the doctor tells you to spread your cheeks, let him
see the firecracker you have planted there beforehand.
98 Handcuff yourself to Lenin's tomb.
99 Handcuff yourself to Nicholas Katzenbach and shout:
"We shall not be moved!"
100 Travel to Havana.
101 Grow a long straggly black beard with maggots crawling
all over it.
102 Travel to Hanoi.
103 Travel to Tirana.
104 Travel to Peking.
105 Travel to Washington and tell them you intend to travel
to one or more of the above.
106 Publish a satirical pamphlet purporting to advise young
men how to beat the draft.
107 Tell the psychiatrist that you are a closet queen.
108 Tell the security officer that you are a brother of Allen
Ginsberg.
109 Tell the security officer that you are a brother of Ralph
Ginzburg.




110  Hand out copies of this pamphlet at the induction center.
When they tell you you cannot do this ask if it's all right
if you sell them.
111 Make sure that by one method or another you get to see
the psychiatrist. Do not let them rush you through without
your chance. If necessary you should faint, scream, or
start crying.
112  Give the psychiatrist your standard three-minute lecture in
favor of bisexuality, being sure to mention again and
again that animals do it.
113 Tell them that you will leap into your grave laughing.
TF- War8: The names of wars are capitalized and spelled out.
War of 1812               World War I
Crimean War               Korean War
114  Run tor the House of Representatives on the platform that
Red China should be invited to send its surplus population
to colonize New York and Arizona.
115  Commence psychotherapy with Dr. Robert Soblen.
116 Ask Gus Hall to go down to the induction center for you
the day you are called.
117 Write a letter to the New York Daily News stating that
the Viet Cong are nothing more than peace-loving agrarian
reformers.
118  Use an American flag for a breechclout.
119 Contract tertiary syphilis.
120  Steal a laser and fight it out with the CIA.
121 Develop bleeding stigmata.
122  Cop out.
123  Conspire with a known homosexual in the Soviet embassy
in Ankara.
124  Conspire with a known heterosexual in the U. S. embassy
in Ankara.
125  Become chairman of the Committee to Legalize Marijuana.
126  Develop an otherworldly metaphysical system and live by
its precepts.
127 Cut off your head.




128     Cut off the sergeant's head. (NAPA)*
129     Walk into the induction center carrying an octopus.
130 Burn your draft card over CBS Television.
131     Write to Bill Buckley that you want to possess him, body
and soul.
132     Set up     an  illegal television       station    on   a  ship   outside    the
three-mile limit, and telecast a demand for the impeachment of Pres. Johnson. Dress up the presentation with
movies showing Johnson and foreign woman ambassadors
engaged in sexual congress with one another.
133     Tell the    psychiatrist that FBI men              are   looking    for secret
messages in your feces.
134     Wear a large brassiere around your waist.
135     Offer the psychiatrist $2.00 if he will allow                you to perform
an unnatural act on his person.
136     Hire an airplane to drop 100,000 of Corliss Lamont's
leaflets over DaNang Air Base.
137     Exercise your vereter until it becomes three feet long.
* Not a pacifist act.
Plate 1. Saluting the Color
1. The colors and their guard.                     commissioned offcer in command.
122
2. Omcer or soldier in uniform, not under arms,  7. Omcer or soldier in uniform, mounted.
covered or uncovered                          8. Driver and passenger of military vehicle is
8. Civilian, omcer or soldier In civilian clothes,  motion.
covered, fair weather.                        9-10. Ignorant or indIfferent man and woman.
4. Same as (3), rainy weather.                  11. A lady saluting the color correctly (standing).
5. Civilian, omcer or soldier in civilian clothes  She may place the right hand over the heart.
or athletic costume, uncovered.              12. Soldier in uniform, armed with rifle.
8. Small detachment, armed with ride non- 12. Sentinel on post, armed with rifle.




138  Marry Bettina Aptheker.         Marines and U.S. Special
139  Join the Mau Mau.             Forces were forced to shoot
140  Kidnap Charles Lindbergh's    some CIDG during the two-day
evacuation so helicopters could
son.                          get off the ground. One Marine
141  Kidnap Douglas MacArthur's    said terrorized CIDG climbed
aboard  every  aircraft that
sofl                          landed, clung to landing gear
142  Kidnap Dwight D. Eisen-       and tafl sections and refused to
hower's son.                  be dislodged.
143  Kidnap John Eisenhower's son.
144  Kidnap Lyndon Johnson's son.
145  Tie your foreskin to your nose.
146  Refuse to sign the loyalty oath and when asked why say
you don't feel loyal to a government of murderers.
147  Cripple your 79-year-old mother and kill your brothers
and sisters and then be the sole support of your crippled
79-year-old mother.
148  Eat hair pie.
149  Bite the psychiatrist.
150  Get put in jail till you're over the draft age.
151  Don't enlist.
152  Tell the psychiatrist to spread his cheeks because you
suspect him of hiding marijuana there.
153  Bring a note from Cardinal Spellman saying that you're
excused.
154 Shoot up the walls of the room, screaming: "I am the last
Stalinist! I am the last Stalinist!"
155  Walk out of the induction center on tippy toes.
156  Don't compromise with the bourgeoisie.
157  Escape.
158  Pray for the end of conscription.
159  Ask the draft board for verification of your birth.
160  Make a run for it.
161  Become indispensable to the coffin industry.
162  Tell them you'll send your money to fight in Viet Nam
if they'll let you stay home.
163  Don't give your right name.
164  Lose your draft card.
165  Lose your mind.

10




I'!

I                j
'FLAG-DRAPED CASKETS'
Youth, 20, Arrested
After Draft Protest
A  20-year-old Big Lake   The arrest of the youth apyouth was being held in Hen- parently climaxed a series of
nepin County Jail under $10,- difficulties he and his father
000 bond today on a charge have had with the draft
that he dumped two buckets board.
of human excrement into the
files of the Sherburne Coun-  The elder Bondhus said he
ty draft board at Elk River. has told the board repeatedly that he is opposed to any
Held is Barry Bondhus, of his sons serving in the
who was arrested by FBI armed forces.
agents Thursday night at his
home.                       "If you draft Barry I have
He is one of 12 children of nothing to look forward to
Thomas Bondhus, 43, who for the next 24 years but
operates machine shops at flag-draped caskets," he said.. 0 4
Big  Lake, Monticello and                                    4
Orrock in Sherburne County.  Barry is the second oldest
Orrok in Sherburne Cou. of 10 Bondhus boys.             f. a
Sidney Abramson, assistant f                              s   '
U.S. district attorney, said  After a board hearing Feb.      l, 7
the youth would be given a 15, the youth was classified
hearing today before U.S. 1-A and ordered to take a    '-,.   '
Commissioner Bernard Zimp- pre-induction physical exam-.
fer in Minneapolis Federal ination in Minneapolis.     'S
Court.                                                    - o
The FBI said the youth reS                fused to co-operate.
Fri., Feb.25,  POIS       Wednesday, the complaint
charged, young Bondhus
walked into the board's office and dumped the substance into six draft board
file cases. His draft board              \
status still is pending.
^^^'

/,0
~(




Russian pacifists
oppose war
COLONEL GAGARIN, the Russian
astronaut, in a speech which
was later broadcast, recently attacked
young Russian pacifists who, he said,
believed there was no need for an
army, and that there would be no war.
"These demagogues cannot grasp
that fighting is not just a possibility;
it is going on now, with weapons in
hand. Vietnam is an example", he said.
The admission that there is pacifist
agitation in Russia, of such a nature
as to demand condemnation by so influential a figure as Yuri Gagarin, is
most remarkable.
166  Ask to have the question repeated.
167  Laugh in their faces.
168  Act natural.
169  Decline the honor.
170  Chew tobacco with your ass and when the proctologist
examines you spit it out.
171  Capitalize on your deficits.
172  Say you don't want to go to an all-boys' school.
173  When you go to the men's room, drop your papers and
get a little shit on them by accident.
174  When the psychiatrist asks you if you hear voices say
Yeah but you don't hear his.     Theoretically, then, it would
175  Stop your artificial pacemaker.  be possible for a youth overS Sit in ti.             eas to avoid military service
176  Spit in their faces,           simply by maintaining residence
177  Have a bad reputation.         abroad from his 18th birthday
to his 26th, after which, in
178  Do not be moved,               normal circumstances, he would
179  Tell them you already have a   not be called for induction.
job with the Reichssicherheits Hauptamt.
180  Say you have been appointed editor of American Opinion
and you have no time to serve in the Army.
181  Tell them  you are a wandering Jew and you have to
get going.
182  Forget it.
183  Don't hide your dark under a bush.

12




184  Stand back.
185 Don't volunteer.
186  Tell them the Thirteenth Amendment outlawed involuntary servitude and you're not going to violate the Constitution of the United States.
187 Join the Disabled Veterans of America.
188  Refuse to testify against yourself.
189 Be bad.
190  Break a leg.
191  Be a high-born lady.
192  Join the NSU (Non-Specific Urethritis).
193 Order William F. Buckley to serve in your place.
194 Give away copies of the Communist Manifesto to the
other inductees.
195 Go to another part of      Youth Dies in Plunge at Base
the woods.                 BOSTON, Jan. 4 (UPI)-A
196  Live in sinyoung man entered an unlocked
196 Live in sin. office in the Boston Army Base,
197  Fuck for peace.           broke through a window and
198  Never register.   plunged to his death today,
198 Never register. shortly before he was to have
199 Cut off your trigger finger undergone a pre-induction Army
examination. An -Army spokes200 Cut off your trigger.      man identified the dead man as
201  Cut off your pinky.       Joseph Christian Diedinger, 22
years old, Qf Glen Mills, Pa.,
202 Cut off your third finger.  who had been living temporarily
203 Cut off your fourth finger  in Somerville, a Boston suburb.
204 Cut off your thumb.
205  Cut off the trigger finger on your left hand.
206  Cut off the pinky on your left hand.
207 Cut off the third finger on your left hand.
208  Cut off the fourth finger on your left hand.
209 Cut off your left arm.
210  Cut off your right arm.
211  Cut off your right leg.
212 Cut off your left leg.
213  Cut off your right penis.
214 Cut off your left penis. NB: Do not cut off your head
or you will be immediately accepted.
Also, don't cut off your left thumb because you may
need it to help a wounded soldier.
215 Scream for help.

13




216 Go to your air raid shelter and remain there for the
duration.
217 Eat five pounds of beans before your rectal examination.
When the doctor comes around, don't hold back.
218 Become radioactive.
219 Swallow a live hand grenade.
220 Write an expose in the National Enquirer about the morals
convictions of J. Edgar Hoover and Cardinal Ottaviani.
221  Hand an anti-war leaflet to a soldier at the Oakland Army
Terminal.
222 Write to your Senator asking for special privileges.
223  Have your mother write to your Senator asking for special
privileges.
224 Become a mother.
225 Roll up to the draft board in a wheelchair with a broken
leg and wave your crutch, screaming: "On to Belgrade!
On to Belgrade!"
226 Contract out.
227 Cover up your tracks, or
228... reveal your tracks (left and right arms and legs, buttocks, penis, vagina, bellybutton, etc.). S  r
229  Hire a remplagant.Suffering
230 Bribe a draft official.
231  Marry a draft official's daughter.   privations of
232  Marry a draft official.
233 Become obese.,children
234 Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
235 Take the cash and let the credit go. do  not ennoble'
236 Nor heed the rumble of a distant drum.
237 Eat shit (this is also a way to live without working, as
some of you may remember).*
238 Don't fight.
239 Go to Copenhagen.
240 Take benzedrine.
241 Take dexedrine.
242 Take methedrine.
243 Take LSD (two cubes).
244  Send your brother.
* Half of the author is pointing with unpardonable pride to his
1001 Ways to Live Without Working.

14




245  Send in your place a poor spic who can't afford to go
to college.
246  Send in your place a poor nigger who can't afford to go
to college.
247  Or send a poor WASP even.
248  Lie down in the street and tell the cop that your left
front tire blew out.
249  Don't sign any papers.
250  Resign your citizenship.
251  Tell 'em you don't hate nobody.
252 Tear up your contrat social.
253 Quote the Nuremberg Trial on individual responsibility,
in the original German, and then shout: "Ich bin nicht
Adolf Eichmann!" at the top of your lungs.
254  Set up your own country.
255 Ask forgiveness.
256  Take power.
257  Keep a dead whore in your cave.
258  Break wind as you're sworn in, thereby invalidating the
whole procedure ex post farto.
259 Admit you're a spy for a foreign government (England).
260 Tell them you don't do anything just because someone
tells you to.
261 Dance.                          M    b    Jeers
262 Laugh.
263 Die in a foreign army.            M
264 Don't sign your birth certificate.  M annes
265 Tell them you're innocent.
266 Ask them who they think they are.
267  Offer to love thine enemy as thyself.
268 Ask for another chance.
269 Ask for volunteers.
Could Win in a Flash,
U. S. Air Chief Says

15




270 Dance naked in Times Square in support of our boys in
Viet Nam.
271  Send a German shepherd instead because you heard that
a German shepherd is worth ten soldiers (especially
against women).
272  Kill without a uniform  (i.e. murder someone in civilian
life).
273  Impress a callow youth in your place.
274  Enlist simultaneously in four branches of the. Service
plus the Chilean Navy, and sail for the banks of the Swiss.
275  Run for President.            Detroit, Michb.: William
276  Become President.           Bunge, a geography professor
277  Become a general.          letWaynelf State issued the following statement concerning his
278  Become a bear.              protest of the war: ".. J1 will
279  Become a snake.             not become. a finger man for
280..an aligaor.the Selective Service. I will not
280.. n aligaor.give a grade lower than C to
281... an alligator pear.     any young man, even if he sup282.. a persimmon.            ports the war. Today's aninouncement that college stu283... peach.                  dents are about to lose their
284... plum.                 deferment merely means that I
285.. pit.will escalate my grades in step
285.. pit.with their escalatiop of the
286... seed.                   drafting of. students to be butch287. rock.                    ered thousands of miles away. I
will not fail any one of my stu.,
288... word.                   tents merely for below' C work.
289... password.               it is not a just puniishment.
290... symbol.                 0 stands for Death."'_
291... an irreplaceable part of the civilian economy (i.e.
rock-'n'-roll star, draft director, funeral director, etc.).
292... an irreplaceable part of an automobile.
293... an irreplaceable cog in the great wheels of American
industry's progress.
294... a Red Chinese. Since Red China doesn't exist, you
can'Pt be drafted.
295  Become a cop, or
296  Become a robber.
297  Read the Confessions of Felix Krull and do what he did.
298  Disguise yourself as a coward when all you really want
is not to get killed.
299  Stay in your room.

16




300 Punch the psychiatrist in the jaw when he asks you a
question, and shout: "Nobody calls me nutsl"
301 Ask forgiveness.
302 Ask that an enemy be brought to New York so you can
strangle him to death with your bare hands over NBC-TV.
303 Write a 700-page history of buggery.
304 Demand a recount.
305 Say you're a malingerer and tell the psychiatrist malingerers don't make good soldiers.-Vt         Rfa
306 Become a psychiatrist.        Vietnam Citic Reracts
307 Burn your draft card.          Vow Not to Salute Flag
308 Bur your draft board.           He said yesterday fhat he
309 Bum your draft army.          would salute the flag to keep
y                    his job, appeal his expulsion
310 Bun yourself up.              from the teachers' union and
311 Burn the President up.        try to let the fuss die down.
312 Burn up everybody that wants you to bur up anybody.
313 Don't wear a deodorant at the induction center.
314 Do not follow the leader.
315 Take a live chicken to bed with you every night.
316 Take a dead chicken to bed with you every night.
317 Change your sex.
318 Tell them if they feel like fighting they can go right ahead
but you'd just like to stay home.
319 Tell them you're not patriotic.
320 Grow another penis.
321 Tell the draft board the draft is involuntary and you don't
approve of things that are involuntary.
322  Make a mess.
323 Pass a new Selective Service Act in which only men over
80 are eligible.
324 Wear spiked heels.
325 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? If you
are only for yourself, what are you? If not now, when?
326 Give in to that impulse.
327 Be alive in Argentina.
328 Rent a robot and let him be inducted in your place.
329 Challenge Richard Nixon to a debate on the proposition:
"Resolved-that Lolita Haze lost her virginity before her
pubic hair appeared."
330 Ask them to prove it.

17




Figure 18,-.Jab to the Midsection.
331  Make sure that your files get lost at the draft board. Use
several spelling variants of your name, get your sister to
work at the draft board, distract the file clerk by goosing
him, etc.
332  Pray that God becomes a pacifist.
333  Run to Venezuela.
334  Demand to see their credentials.
335  Go crazy.
336  Shout: "Ich bin nicht hier gekomen Ordnung zu machenl"
and stamp out of the room.
337  Say you've fought already.
338  Say you're scaired.
339  Say: "Men ken dorten geharget verenl" and leave.
340  Ask what's in it for you.
341  Contradict them.
342  Raise your hand and leave the room.
343  Argue.
344  Shit with fright all over the induction center.

18




345 Give up (to the enemy).
346 Shout: "The enemy is at home! The enemy is at home!"
(Then go home.)
347 Come to the induction center dressed all in black and
when you undress have your body painted black and
when asked why say: in mourning for all future murderers and murderees.
348 Have your body painted red, white and blue.
349 Demand to see the Commander-in-Chief and then when
you see the Commander-in-Chief ask him: "How's your
asshole?"
350 Say you're from Berkeley.
351 Say you're a member of SDS.
352... SPU.
353...WRL.
354... PLM.
355...M2M.
356... FFFF.
357 Ask who's in charge here and when brought before the
proper officer look him up and down and say (mincingly):
"Oh-are you in charge, dearie?"
358 Sell your passport in Geneva.
359... Paris, France.
360... Rome.
361... Milan.
362... Athens.
363... Moscow. (Do not sell your passport in Madrid as you
will not get enough for it.)
364  Smoke dried shit and offer the recruiting sergeant a
cigarette, asking him if he has ever smoked "funny cigarettes" (pot) before.
365 Cringe and crawl, licking the boots of the nearest officer.
366 Circulate a petition against American policy in Viet Nam
at the induction center.
367 Say it's not your war.
368 Become an air raid warden.
369 Become an air raid sign.
370 Become an air raid.

19




371 Bomb Dresden.
372 Get dropped on Dresden.
373 Desecrate Churchill's body in Piccadilly Circus.
374 Write a 9000-page treatise on farts and their relation to
character.         -l
375 Convert to pacifism.  irst
376 Convert to Christianity.
377 Pass 'em by.
378 Challenge the challengers.F. 481.               a
379 Go your own way.                       Fa. 81. - Appareil
380 Say: I gave already.                  deVerdin pour tade
381 Give a chocolate kiss instead.            dotrembement
382 Kiss the army people instead. A big fat kiss on the mouth.
383 Ask for an explanation.
384  Say "No, thank you."
385  Stand outside Army Intelligence headquarters on E. 16th
Street and take pictures of every person who enters. When
questioned, say that you are gathering material for a
series on war criminals.
386 Ask for a presidential pardon.
387 Become a baby.
388  Say: "My mother won't let me."
389 Stay stuck in your girlfriend's vagina. Army too embarrassed to take you out.
390 Ask the judge to go in your place; you stay in his place.
391 Say you don't have shoes and point to your bare feet.
392 Eat your toe jam in front of the psychiatrist without
offering him any.
393 Carry your artificial vagina in convenient tuckaway container with you to induction center. Offer to demonstrate
it to examining urologist.
394 Take Enovid.
395 Tell them you like Theatre of the Absurd but this is
too much.
NOTE: Do not use terms such as these when writing
about service personnel.
GI                brass            swabbies
jarheads          flyboys          girls
boys
20




Corporal King said he agreed
with Gen. David M. Shoup,
396  Be a Jewish mother, or       former commandant of the Ma397  Be a Jewish mother's son, or  rine Corps, who once told a
Congressional committee: "Ma398  Be a Jewish schizophrene.    rines don't hate. We kill the
399  Lie.                         people the President orders us
to kill."
400  Lie better than them.
401  Demand to see the man responsible for the war.
402  Admit you are Jack the Ripper but refuse appointment
except as a captain.
403  Tell them the smell of burning flesh makes you vomit
and you'd dirty the sergeant's uniform.
404  Ask: "Exactly what are the advantages of being in the
Army?"
405  Admit you really are not a citizen.
406  Ask who's going to pay for repairs to the uniform.
407  Say: "Millions for defense and $500 if you get me out
of here."
408  Say you're a lover, not a fighter.
409 Say: "I'd rather be fucked than President."
410  Ask if this can't all be settled by Games Strategy.
411 Say: "Thanks, but I've already had a war."
412  Say you were killed in the last war.
413  Tell them to show movies of the last war and then everyone can stay in their parlors.
414  Drop LSD in the Peking reservoir.
415  Drop LSD in the Hanoi reservoir.
416  Drop LSD in the Potomac.
417  Tell them that two wrongs don't make a right.
418  Say you're not really dependable.
419  Demand a trial by your peers: other inductees; then
release each other.
420  Say you're a dreamer.
421  Tell Hershey that he should draft only convicted forgers.
422  Tell Hershey that he should draft only convicted perjurers.
423  Tell Hershey that he should draft only convicted rapists.
424  Tell Hershey that he should     draft only  convicted
sodomites.
425  Tell Hershey to fuck himself.
426  Draw the line.
427  Tell them God is on your side; if they say God is on their
side, answer OK, it's a draw, let's go home.

21




428 Demand to see the injured party.
429 Go limp.
430 Tell them your mother was a Viet Cong.
431 Resist bodily.
432 Say no.
433 Say you are already in the army
of the unemployed.
434... the ignorant.
435...the dying.
436... the unhappy.
Vietnam Affects
MDs in Research
Demands of the Vietnam war already are having an effect on
physicians available to carry out research programs, Philip R. Lee, MD,
assistant secretary of the U.S. Dept.
of Health, Education and Welfare, told
AMA's Congress on Medical Educa-        Abb. 534. SCHEDES
tion.                                   Aktives Kunstbein.
437 Tell them that you think the war is illegal and that you
never break the law.
438 Bomb Hanoi with platinum ingots.
439 Bomb Hanoi with uncircumcised catamites.
440 Bomb Hanoi with puppy-dogs' tails.
441 Bomb Hanoi with snail shells that still smell of garlic.
442 Bomb Hanoi with old copies of The New York Times.
443 Bomb Hanoi with 42nd Street hustlers.
444 Bomb Hanoi with registered nurses.
445 Bomb Hanoi with garlands of peonies.
446 Bomb Hanoi with goose down.
447 Bomb Hanoi with Allen Ginsberg.
448 Bomb Hanoi with O-bombs (orgasm bombs).
449 Bomb Hanoi with parrakeets.
450 Bomb Hanoi with Hallmark greeting cards.
451 Bomb Hanoi with Bibles, R. S. V.

22




452 Bomb Hanoi with Mine. de Gaulle.
453  Bomb Hanoi with the finest quality marijuana.
454  Bomb Hanoi with Christian Science leaflets.
455  Bomb Hanoi with Jewish Science leaflets.
456 Ask for a cup to put your stools in, then ask for a spoon.
457  Back out.
458 Be a (necessarily deferred) civil statistician for the U.S.
Armed Forces casualty counters. Be civil, don't upset
mothers. (Remember, figures don't lie but liars figure.)
459 Demand to be treated according to the Geneva Convention for prisoners of war.
460  Get a WAG with child. We don't want Welfare supporting
our fatherless children. Added benefit: she gets out too.
Live happily ever after.
461  Say: I do not choose to fight.
462  Show them your peace button.
463 Explain to them that having your guts bayoneted out
makes you sick to your stomach.
464  Tell them that you are a man already.
465  Laugh in their faces.
466  Question their motives.
467  Commit lust.
468  Recite:
I strive with none
For none are worth my strife.
469  Carry a sign that says FUCK THE DRAFT.
470  Carry a sign that says FUCK FOR PEACE.
471  Go to jail, or
472  Get married.
473  Get married twice, or
474  Go to jail twice.
475  Get married three times then go immediately to a
psychiatrist.
476  Dismount and run for it.
477 Ask to be reclassified as a protected species.
478  Disappear.
479 Contemplate the horror of murder.
480  Sleep late with your warmn girlfriend.

23




Ballad of the SS Troon.        ' *~          Soldiers fighting in the East.
4C  r              Fearless men against the Slavic beast,
c C.            Men who fight for Farben and Krupp,
3 En r                 The brave men of the SS Troop.
z       "p              I Double S upon their chest..                  Ii ~  These are men-the Fuhrer's best.
SC 0 r d 4 -JOne hundred men try to join the group,
S0 k a             But only three make the SS Troop.
4-4  S   (U         Trained to live for the FGhrer's goals.
^          Z4 Cd      Trained in dealing with Jews and Poles.
0. d    C          Men who fight like JUrgen Stroop
-       c cd  ^       Courage take from the SS Troop.
S4-J                 Double S upon their chest.
0)          ) a      These are men-the rFhrer's best.
SZ          "         One hundred men try to join the group,
Ss         b            But only three make the SS Troop.
4      W >) ^       IBack at home a Hausfrau waits.
c  tS o.* )    Her SS-man has met his fate.
d!    Y   C= C"      He has died in Deutschland's quest.            d      Leaving her his last request:
0 g     ~            "Put the double S on my son's chest.
+)  Cd              Make him one of the Fiihrer's best.
He'll be the man for an Einsatz group.
Have him join the SS Troop."
481    Tell them    you'll think about it.
482    Go home.
483    Decide once and for all not to go.
484    Nod out.
485 Shout: "I don't take no shit from no one!"
486    Walk up to the colonel and his lady and with a big grin
on your face, pinch her double chin and ask her if she
and Judy O'Grady are really the same under the skin.
487    Say: "Let a machine do it."
488    Throw    a fit.
489    Conquer your fear of being a coward.
490    Ask for your life back.
491    Get a letter of reference from     the authors of this pamphlet.
492    Deny    you  are guilty    and   ask why you      are being    sentenced to death.
493    Giggle.
494    Masturbate with one hand.
495 Have MAKE LOVE NOT WAR painted on the front of
your underpants.
496    Have an essential civilian job like liar for the U.S. State
Department.
497    Shoot a    water pistol at the       sergeant and     say: Bang!
you're dead!

24




498  Say you are afraid of crab lice, or
499 Sax' Good! now I can get to eat all the crab lice I want.
500  Keep singing at the top of your lungs even though the
colonel orders you to stop.
501  Use legerdemain.
502  Bring the general up on charges.
503  Ask which way they went (then go the other way).
504  Make a citizen's arrest of the President.
505  Tell them you have just begun to fight-the draft board.
506  Practice shooting on the induction line.
507 Prove that you are Christ.
508  Free all prisoners./
509  Cry:
Charity charity!
Come out of charity
And peace with me in America.
510 Tell them to start all over.
511 Start all over.
512  Let the kids out of the schools.
513  e apagn sckld i a reedoutorn  Fj i t r, 1. -Recurrent
513  e apagn sckld ina ceedoutornage o f Stump.
514  Co gay.                                 (Whar ton.)
515  Sneak out.
516  Become an atheist because "tthere are no atheists in
foxholes."1.1
517  Demand that all patriotic readers of the New York Daily
News be drafted immediately and sent to the front (especially the ones who write the letters to the editor).
518  Write a 3000-page treatise which proves that drinking
vaginal secretions from the source prevents cancer.
519  Write to the War Resisters League, 6 Beckman Street,
New York, N.Y. 10038.
520  Write to the Central Committee for Conscientious Objectors, 2006 Walnut Street, Philadelphia 3, Pa.
521  Consult your local Students for a Democratic Society
chapter (this is an unsolicited and probably unwanted
commercial).
522  Consult your local Student Peace Union chapter.

25




523 Go to your synagogue and pray you find a rabbi who will
testify in your behalf.
524 Go to your church and pray you find a priest or minister
who will testify in your behalf.
525 Go to your mosque and pray you find an imam who will
testify in your behalf.
526 Ask to see their papers.
527 Ask to see their papers and when they show you their
papers rip them up.
528 Don't tell them anything but your name, your class rank
and your IBM number.
529 Yell: "Helpl"
530 Tell them you believe in loving your enemy.
531 Send a telegram to Pres. Johnson suggesting that he volunteer as a private in the infantry to help the war effort.
532 Walk into the induction center with a voodoo doll that
looks like Gen. Hershey. Stick pins into it and yell: "That'll
fix the bastard for picking on me!" If Hershey dies, say
it was all a joke and you're not superstitious anyway.
533 Board a Staten Island ferry and point a real toy gun at
the pilot and force him to sail to Havana. If you are
caught, explain that you wanted to show the passengers
how bad Castro's Cuba is.
534 Lick your latrine clean.
535 Try to smuggle in 100 kilos of pure heroin from Marseilles. If you're caught you'll be exempt from the draft
as a convicted felon. If you get away with it you'll be so
rich that you can bribe Gen. Hershey, or even Pres.
Johnson.
536 Smoke grass, or if that doesn't work,
537 Smoke pot.
538 Smoke Mexican pot.
539 Smoke... more... zz... Mexican pot... zzz...
540.. zzz... some... pot.. more... zzz...
541... pot... some.., more... smoke... zzzzz...
542...zzz...pot...zzz...
543.. zzzzzz...
544 Reveal your secret self.
545 Manufacture sanitary napkins decorated with portraits
of Mme. Nhu and Mme. Chiang.

26




546   Hire a cheap Jew to serve in your place.
547   Hire a servile Negro to serve in your place.
548   Hire a duplicitous Communist to serve in your place.
549   Sing "Kill for Peace" LOUD       at the induction center.
550   Speak bigly but carry a soft stick.
551   Be a leper-licker.
552   Go to Juarez.
553   Go to D.F.
554   Go to Aguacaliente.
555   Do not go to Acapulco (too many draft dodgers).
556   Sacrifice one of your arms and as they pull you in your
arm comes off in their hands and then you run away.
557   Threaten to call the police if they don't stop bothering you.
558   Weep hysterically.
559   Steal Gen. Eisenhower's used        underpants and      auction
them off at Parke-Bernet and donate the proceeds to SNCC.
560   Explain to them the theory that frustration and aggression
are the causes of war.
561   Don't run until you see the whites of their eyes.
562   Weep for Adonais for he will die.
563   Accuse them     of operating    a slaughterhouse without a
license.
564   Take over the country and throw a huge block party from
San Francisco to the New York islands.
565   Riot.
566   Marry a Viet Cong.
NEW YORK MMOR SATURDAY, JU6N 20, Ie -
GI SPUD SLICER EYES FREEDOM
Skins Out of Potato Peeling Rap
WASHINGTON, June 19      "wilfully suffered potatoes of with his demonstration potato,
(AP).-Pfc. Andrew God Jr. some value, the military prop- there wasn't much left.
now stands cleared by a court. erty of the United States, to be
martial of a charge thathe de- destroyed by improper peel-  But the defense counsel, Lt.
troyed government  operty.                    Bruce Segal, proved to the
It seems his captain and his,st oGod told the oobrt-mar  peirt's satisfaction that the
mess sergeant felt he was peel- tialt                peelings  sliced off by the
Ing potatoes too thick. God,  "Yorean't job a potato With  than God's.
who is an Arlington, Va., ar- a knife and Al ato It, If the
chitect when he's not a draftee, knife slips, you've got it la  Counsel was able to show
convinced the court-martial at your hand."           this because Capt. Thomas C.
Fort Myer, Va., that his potato-  The meat sergeant, Holger Woods, God's commanding ofpeeling methods were as good, M. Johnson, gave the court a  fleer, had been saving some of
If not better, than any.   demonstration of how he said the God-sliced peelings for a
THE PROSECUTION sought God was whacking      away. month. He had a whole pan of
to show that Pfc. God had  When Johnson got through  them.
27




567  Since practicing psychotherapists in most states do not
have to have academic degrees, band together with your
friends and set up another friend as one. (This is quite
simple-just rent a cheap office and order a ream of
stationery. If you have ten friends the whole caper will
cost less than $10 each.) Your newly-created mind expert
will give each of you a letter which says that you are
insane and must not be drafted.
568 Feel love toward everyone and kiss everyone you meet.
The Army will think you insane and throw you out faster
than you can say Fuck for Peace.
569 Accept a foreign title.
570 Vote in a foreign election.
571 Pull the rope off your neck, shouting: "I only regret that
I have but one lifel"
572  Bite.
573 Freeze yourself.
574  Eat ape shit with a shovel.
575  Become a flower.
576 Go down on God.
577 Ask the advice of your minister, priest, rabbi, imam, guru
or shaman.
578 When you report for induction, answer all questions with
a single nonsense word, such as grobble. When they send
you to the psychiatrist, vary the rhythm with:
Grobble grobble
Grobble grobble
Grobble grobble grobble.
579 Deliterate yourself.
580  Commit an original sin.
581 Take a crap in your urine bottle. When they give you
another one spit in it. If they give you a third jerk off in it.
582  Have a peashooter concealed in your shoes and shoot
peas at the various doctors.
583 Love yourself above abstractions.
584  Start early. When you're 12 years old, enlist simultaneously
in the Army and the Navy. (They'll let you out immediately when they find out you're under age.) The next year

28




enlist again. Keep this up and you will impress the officials
that you are unstable and should not be allowed in no
matter how old you are.
585 Take good care of yourself. You belong to yourself.
586 Walk into the induction center carrying a big portrait of
Mao Tse-tung. When asked why, say: "Because I take
my orders from him and I don't care what you jerks
tell me."
587 Bring a box of dead rats with you. Offer to sell one to
the psychiatrist cheap.
588 Defect to a country that has no UMT.
589 Report to the induction center in drag, 'With obviously
false eyelashes and an overabundance of facial cosmetics.
Wiggle your hips seductively at the sergeant and say:
"Baby, I can't wait to get in! All those bea-yoo-tiful
boys... I
590 Become a priest.
591 Become a nun.
592 Become a nun's priest.
593 Resign from the Cook-of-the-Month Club.
594 Refuse to kill.
595 Do not do in even such little ones as these.
596 Knock up your mother.
597 Knock up your grandmother.
598 Knock up your dog's great-grandfather.
599 Walk up your own ass and disappear.
600 Masturbate while staring at the other handsome naked
young men on the line and (variant) eat your come and
(subvariant) offer some to the psychiatrist.
601 Be carried in impaled on a crucifix.
602 Fart the Pledge of Allegiance.
603 Eat ten grams of radium. (Radium is very expensive but
it can be recovered after you are cremated.)
604 Hide behind a typewriter.
605 Offer your wife to' the induction officer.
606 Fuck Comnmunism 1
607 Tattoo the word FUCK on your penis.
608 Tattoo FUCK COMMUNISM on your forehead.
609 Ask them if you can bring your mother to camp with you.

29




610 Pull out your dick and ask if it's the right size to fit the
girls in the country you're going to.
611 Make a bet with your induction officer that your cock is
bigger than his.
612 Tell them you're a vegetarian and you will not violate
your diet (no milk or eggs either).
613 Be draft-exempt.
614 Ask them if you can bugger the VC before you kill 'em.
615 Sue ten canning companies on account of "impurities" and
foreign objects (feces?) found in cans of food you have
bought. Tell Army officials you can't leave court cases
now. Ask if Army food is pure anyway and what kind of
inspection is done. Question them incessantly and be
thrown out on your paranoid ass.
616 Ask if this (induction) is a good way to defect to North
Viet Nam.
617 Wipe out your recruiting officer. (NAPA)
618 Show up at the induction center with a friend. Stand in
line with your arms around his waist. Kiss and grope him
ostentatiously. When asked why you are doing this, explain that you are expressing joy at being allowed to fight
and die for your country.
619 Send Dean Rusk a bar of soap and order him to wash his
mouth out every time he tells a lie.
620 Hide under the bed.
621 Go to school.
622 Go to draft-dodging school.
623 Go to grade school.
624 Go to kindergarten.
625 Suck your mommy's tittie.
626 Faint.
627 Bring your guitar and sing "Universal Soldier" without
stopping.
628 Bring Buffy Sainte Marie with you and    that beautiful girl while singing "Universal Soldier."
629 Go to Times Square, find a few dozen bugger mates and
get a prolapsed rectum.
630 Crawl in backwards while sucking off Allen Ginsberg.
631 Walk behind (while buggering) Allen Ginsberg chanting
peace mantras.

30




13. Main de pretre (Type XIII, fig. 199 et 200). - 11 y
a quelque temps, un prktre, amput' du bras droit au
niveau du tiers inferieur, vint me prier de lui faire
construire une main lui
A             permettant de dire la
A        messe.
L'etude des mouvements
et des attitudes de la main
0
FIG. 199, 200. - Type XIII: Main de pritre (face et profil).
A, A, Reasorts mainteLant les objets saisis; D, Pouce mobile articul6
sur un axe en B avec traction sur le point C; F, commande relide au
levier du coude.
gauche, pendant I'office, m'a demontr6 qu'elle devait
remplir la fonction de prehension et de maintien d'objets dans le sens vertical, tels que le calice, et d'objets
dans un plan horizontal, tels que la bourse, la pattne, etc., et que, en outre, elle devait, parallelement
avec l'autre main, presenter l'attitude de la priere.
632 Walk in dressed as a rubber fetishist.
633 Walk in wearing a big diaper and say: "Well, I still have
some problems."
634 Take a crap in your pants and let the shit roll down to
the floor.
635 Walk in with a blazing acetylene torch mumbling "Gooks
gooks." If the sarge tries to take it away from you, make
like to burn him.
636 Walk in softly with a crucifix held aloft, intoning "Pax
pax pax.
637 Have your mother call up and say you're sick.
638 Bring your dog with you.
639 Bring your dog with you, having trained him to shit on
the floor.

31




640 Bring your shitting dog with you, dress him in a heavy
coat and old-fashioned cap and two pairs of pants, and
mumble to anyone who will or will not listen: "So who',
going to take care of Poopsie?"
641 Sell double-indemnity-for-accidental-death insurance policies to draftees while on line.
642 Throw cherry bombs at doctors while on the examination
line, hollering: "The gooksl The gooks are comingl Take
coverl"
643 Tell them that if they don't leave you alone you'll reveal
who really killed Kennedy.
644 Do a book like this and during the research find other
ways.
645 Study the Handbook fol Conscientious Objectors published by the Central Committee for Conscientious
Objectors.
646 Read Selective Service reports on draft evasion and study
the methods described there.
647 Violate the Logan Act by attempting to make a deal with
Gov. Wallace of Alabama.
648 Tell them you hate Mom, apple pie and the Flag but
you love to fart.
649 Tell them you will gladly serve if they permit you to
donate your pay to the Viet Cong.
650 Use all the methods suggested in this book.
651 Commit yourself to a mental institution.
652 Send Peter Orlovsky in your place. Tell him to act natural.
653 Stage an elaborate demonstration outside 39 Whitehall
Street, including the following:
Six pallbearers carrying a coffin on which is painted
the words GOVERNMENT ISSUE.
A portable tape recorder playing Chopin's Funeral
March.
Four professional mourners.
Ten beautiful girls wailing: "Oh where is my soldier
boy now?"
A huge lunkhead dressed as a sergeant, plunging his
bayonet into a side of beef, yelling: "Kill! Kill!"
A vial of artificial scent which gives off the odor of
rotting corpses and Vietnamese fish oil.

32




654 Tell them you are a member of the John Birch Society
and you have to stay in the United States to fight
subversives.
655 Demand to be taken first at every station on the induction
line and shove everyone else out of his place. Fight back!
656 Develop the falling sickness.
657 Forget how to talk.
658 Tell them they shouldn't pass the Lord and praise the
ammunition.
659 Have a little flag reading I AIN'T MARCHING ANY
MORE up your ass and when the doctor asks you to
spread your cheeks start singing it.
660 Send in a replica of yourself.
661 Bring a Holy Bible and read "Blessed are the peacemakers...", etc., over and over; start to sing:
I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside.
I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield
Down by the riverside,
Ain't gonna study war no more.
For added effect make sure you have a tambourine.
662 Say you're a Pink Moslem and saluting an officer is contrary to your religious beliefs. (If you're Negro, say
you're a Blue Moslem.)
663 Tell them there is some shit you will not eat.
664 Ask when you get your vacation and pension and if the
job is covered by unemployment insurance.
665 Ask: "What if I don't like the job?"
666 Ask: "Can I get job training to be a general?"
667 Don't wear a belt, and hold up your pants with your
hand, therefore being unable to fill out forms.
668 Tattoo MAKE LOVE NOT WAR on your dick.
669 Tattoo HAVE A LICK? on your dick.
670 Run into a Catholic church and demand sanctuary.
671 Tell them to go fuck themselves.
672 Tell them to go fuck themselves with a limber dick.

33




673 Eat shit in a dixie cup and wash it down with urine in a
pop bottle. Offer your buddy (or the psychiatrist) some.
674 Stare into their eyes longer than they can stare into yours.
675 Ask them why they got those funny clothes the color of
shit on.
676 Say the only corps you want to join is the SS.
677 Tell them you have a date tonight.
678 Tell them you can't serve because you have to suck milk
from your mother's breast every morning or she'll be in
terrible pain.
679 Tell them you can't serve because you have to suck milk
from your father's breast every morning or he'll be jealous
of your mother.
680 Tell them you can't serve because you have to suck milk
from your dolphin's breast every evening or they'll cancel
your U.S.P.H.S. grant.
681 Dance the twist continuously.
682 Dance the ballet continuously.
683 Corner the market in a commodity that is essential to the
war effort. Threaten to sell to Russia unless you are
declared 4-F.
684 Drink blood from a quart milk bottle while standing on
line. Offer some to the next guy (or the nearest sergeant).
685 While sitting at the psychiatrist's desk blow your nose
with a handkerchief which you take out of your pocket
or (if nude) carry on your person, a handkerchief grey
with filth: snot, dirt, urine, shit, egg yellow and anything
else you happen to have around. If you don't have a
handkerchief blow your nose in a kleenex and then eat it.
686 Wear a sweatshirt with a big 69 on it and the inscription
THE BEST MIDNIGHT SNACK.
687 Deposit ten million dollars in your local bank. Then
threaten to withdraw it unless the draft board rejects
you. (Since the bank president is probably on the draft
board the latter can be easily arranged.)
688 When the medic sticks a needle into your arm for the
blood test, whip out your own needle and jab it into
his arm. Tell him it's no fair unless you get some too.
Offer to trade piss with him also.

34




Many Draftees Decline
To Fight the Strike
Free       Flas                   Since the  city's transit
strike began, about one-third
F   ui   Sirze                 of the 175 men ordered to report daily for induction into
Washington, June 8 NEWs          the Armed Services have apBureau)-The House Vyteran          parently decided they were
Affairs  Committee  to d a y       not essential and have stayed
moved to reverse the Veterans      home.
Administration's 1963  redue         Col. Paul Akst, director of
tion in the size of American       the city's Selective Service
flags provided free for fun-       System, said last night that
erals of deceased servicemen,      of the 500 to 600 men exThe committee voted in favor       pected each day for preof full-size 5-by 9%-foot flags,   induction physical examinawhich cost 40 cents more in-       tions, only about one-third
stead of the 4%-by-7-foot hags     had reported.
The induction dates for the
tardy men, he said, would be
689  D e te..set forward and they would
689  Decline the nomination,      not be penalized.
690  Tell them you like girls, not men.
691  Tell them: No, thanks.
692 Play a musical instrument after 6:00 PM on Monday in
Washington Square Park, get arrested and have a criminal
record. Do this again and again... harder.
693  Ask the sergeant if he has any papers, because you want
to roll a joint.
694  Ask the shrink if he got any pills cause you fresh out.
695  Demand to make your one phone call and to see a lawyer.
696  Have your mother come with you and sing "I Didn't
Raise My Boy to Be a Soldier" and offer herself instead.
(She should rehearse crying at home.)
697  Set up a private espionage organization and offer to sell
your services to the highest bidder. Solicit bids from all
the Communist countries. If the FBI bothers you, respond
with a ten-minute harangue on the superiority of the
capitalist system, where all goods and services are sold
for the highest price. Accuse the FBI agent of being a
fuzzy-minded pinko.
698  Be buried in Lenin's tomb.
699  Be buried in Stalin's tomb.
700  Develop the power to cloud men's minds. Then cloud the
minds of the draft board.
701  Admit you screw niggers.

35




702 Find out who's on your draft board and call up their
mothers: "Why is your son bothering me?" Or better still
have your mother call up their mothers.
703 Say you are an orthodox Jew and will not fight on
Saturday.
704 Tell them they may be hanging Danny Deever but they're
not going to hang you.
705 Become a male prostitute and work up an arrest record.
Do it nowl
706 Become an outriding Mormon: marry five girls and have
five dependents, ergo no draft. Or
707 Have kids by five women without getting married. Do
it nowl
708 Show up at the induction center wearing a white smock.
Tell them you are a proctologist and you have been sent
by Washington to inspect the assholes of all the supervisory personnel. Explain that there is a dangerous Communist spy loose and you have to find out who he is
getting into.
If you are discovered, admit that you are an impostor
but ask them whether they will let you look anyway,
as a personal favor.
709 If you are asked to fill out papers, break every pencil
or pen you are given.
710 When they give you the list of subversive organizations
and ask you to check the ones you belong to, write at
the bottom (or across the list if that's the only space)
that since you're an anarchist you don't believe in
organizations.
711 Or, check off thirteen Communist organizations even
though you're not a member of any of them. (If your
membership is not later confirmed say that you used
aliases when joining and you've forgotten the names
you used.)
712 If, however, you have been a member of one or two organizations, check off as many more as you need to make
thirteen and write FUCK CAPITALISM in big letters
across the sheet.
713 Alternatively, check off six fascist organizations and seven
Communist organizations and write FUCK CAPITALISM

36




AND FUCK COMMUNISM across the sheet in large
letters. When asked about the contradiction reply in
outrage: "Fuck you this is a free country ain't it? I'll join
any fucken organization I want!"
714 Or, check off thirteen different Communist nationality
organizations such as Ukrainian Workers Society, Hungarian Peasants Club, North Yugoslav Peoples Association,
Chinese-American Bund, etc. When questioned about this,
hint strongly that you are one of the nationalities experts
for a government agency such as the FBI or CIA and they
wouldn't really appreciate your being drafted and so the
Selective Service officials should check with Washington
before making asses of themselves.
715 Write out a letter saying that you are unfit for military
service by reason of insanity, and forge the signature of a
distant member of the American Psychiatric Association.
(Use their directory.) Making up a letterhead is easy
and exciting.
716 Knock at least one thing off every desk you pass.
717 Walk in on your hands, letting your shirt fall over your
head and displaying your Frederick's panties which have
no crotch.
718 Dye your head hair white, your eyebrows and underarms
blue, and your pubic hair flaming red.
719 Take a mild overdose (be careful) of laxative the right
time before and shit your pants while on line (if nude,
do it on the floor). Explain that you always get diarrhea
when you're nervous.
720 Carry a pepper shaker with you. On the examination line
bite your nails "furtively" and then slap the offending
hand loudly and pour pepper on the finger you just
suck-bit.
721 Sing Army songs very very loudly and continuously from
the moment you arrive. If asked to stop, start singing
Navy songs, Marine songs, or the Internationale.
722 Or, sing radical songs very very loudly from the moment
you arrive. Bring a Wobbly songbook and try to teach
the songs to your fellow pre-inductees. When asked to
stop, belt out "God Bless America" at the top of your
lungs. Don't let them stop you until they put plaster tape

37




over your mouth (or shoot you with a tranquilizer)--and
then sue them for assault.
723 When you are tested with the eye chart, read fast (but
in a broken rhythm) F-U-C-K Y-O-U S-I-R. If asked to
cut the comedy and do it correctly, read F-U-C-K Y-O-U
A-G-A-I-N S-I-R.
724  Bring a gun and a target and at an appropriate moment
(say the eye exam) lean the target against a wall and
start shooting at it, screaming: "Kill the Commiesl Kill
the fucken Commies!"
725  Carry around a handkerchief in your hand. When asked
to offer your hand for fingerprints, refuse, saying that you
don't want to get syphilis germs on it. When they tell you
there are, no syphilis germs on the ink pad, reply: "I know
better," and wipe your hands with the handkerchief again.
Blow on your fingers and shake out the handkerchief (as
you would shake out a rug), then wipe your hands with
the handkerchief again and stare off sideways into space.
726  When asked to give a urine specimen refuse to do it "in
front of all these men." If given a private stall, say: "I
still can't do it because of all these men on this floorall around me."

FIG. 118.-Blanket-bag and Equipment Used In
the United States Army.
38




727 Adapt all these suggestions to the particular situation
you find yourself in. Improvisel
Bruno Bettelheim said he survived the Nazi concentration camps in this way: he had no sterotyped idea
of "a Nazi" and thus was businesslike or emotional,
appealed to compulsiveness or gentleness or what have
you, depending on the official and the situation.
Do not assume the official before you knows what's
going on in your mind. He may or may not; many times
he doesn't. But in any case, do not betray your hand or
telegraph your moves by "guilt" feelings.
728 Say you won't serve except as a general and ask to see
where in the draft law it says that you can't be inducted
as a general. If they show you the law say it's fucking
undemocratic and you don't want to serve in an undemocratic army and then start singing:
Kuma echa sov-va-sov
Ain pa necha shov-va-shov
Ain ken rosh v'ain ken sov*
La la la la
and dance the horah at the same time.
729 Come dressed in a Red Army uniform.
730 Come dressed in an SS uniform.
731 Come dressed in a Chinese peasant's blue denim uniform
and wear a button reading I SUPPORT THE NATIONAL
LIBERATION FRONT.
732 As you look for something in your wallet in front of the
psychiatrist (i. e. a note from your mother which says you
are nuts) let a small cloth (homemade is excellent) swastika fall out of your wallet onto the floor. Pick it up fast
and jam it back into the wallet. When the psychiatrist
asks you What was that? say in a low but determined
voice: "I'd rather not talk about it."
733 Carry a submachine gun in your traveling bag. When
asked to leave the bag behind, zip it open and shoot out
all the lights, laughing hysterically: "Fuck them Commie
rats! Fuck them Commie ratsl"
* No one is first,
No one is last.
39




6 Civilians Killed,
At Times, orl Red,
Zablocki Declares
WASHINGTON, March         16
(AP)-Six   civilians died  for
every Vietcong killed in some
recent search-and-destroy missions in South Viet Nam, Representative Clement J. Zablocki,
Democrat of Wisconsin, said today.
Mr. Zablocki, who visited Viet
Nam last month, said an overall ratio of two civilians for
one Vietcong apparently is the
result of the war so far. He
called the rate "excessive" and

FIG. 183.-Horizontal Section of Smith Camp Crematory
above the Excreta Plates.

734  Bring copies of the Declaration of Conscience, which says
(paraphrased): "I refuse to join the Armed Forces and/or
to fight in Viet Nam," and circulate them among your
fellow draftees and try to get them to sign the statement.
735  Bring a defused hand grenade with you and toss it on
the floor in front of the highest ranking soldier you can
find. Run like hell the other way, shouting: "Die, imperialist dogl" When captured, have on you a live hand
grenade and let them know this one is live.
736  Distribute free copies of Challenge (Progressive Labor
Movement party newspaper) to your fellow pre-inductees.
If anyone complains, say: "It's a democracy, isn't it?"
737 Alternatively, try to sell it to them for 100 and when
refused, reply: "Oh, you're too cheap to spend a dime
to find out the truthl"
738  Bring a water pistol with you and spray all the Army
personnel you meet as soon as they turn their backs. When
they take the pistol away from you (after a lecture)
listen intently and abashedly and say you're sorry. As
soon as the lecturer (or officer) leaves you, pull out another water pistol from your pocket and shoot him in the
back, laughing hysterically.
739 Start your own Selective Service and induct them into
SNCC.

40




GENERAL           SERVICES        ADMINISTRATION
Vr'5$s  ~  Utilization and Disposal Service
i Real Property Division
S    O       Building 41, Denver Federal Center
Denver, Colorado    30225
February 15, 1936
Re: Invitation for Bid
No. D-Ariz-4CC
NORMAN SOLOMON
P.O. OOX 190
VILLAGE STATION
NEW YORK, NEW YORK       10014
The following described property will be offered for sale by
competitive sealed bids to be opened on March 17, 1966. If you
wish to receive a copy of the Invitation for Bids, containing
bidding forms and full instructions for submitting a bid, please
return this announcement to this office.
Yuma Air Force Station (Z-162) located twelve miles
south of Yuma, Arizona, consisting of 20.02 acres of
land improved with sir buildings, water and sewex
systems, and perimeter 6' chain link fence.
The property is being offered for sale as one unit on cash or
credit terms.
HAROLD E. ZIDIER //
Chief, Real Prope y Division
Utilization and Disposal Service

41




740  Make a speech at the induction center denouncing war,
the Army and the killing in Viet Nam. When asked to
stop, yell that you thought this was a free country and
scream (as you are being carried away): "I'm not going
to die for any fucking fascist dictatorship!"
741 Look very meek. Bring along a black rosary and cast yourbeads in a corner. When asked if anything is the matter,
burst out crying and sob: "I'm not going to die, am I?
I'm not going to get killed, am I? I'm not, am I? I'm not,
am I? Oh oh oh oh!"
742  Fast for three weeks before induction and tell the doctor:
"I just don't feel like eating." (Anorexia nervosa.)
743 As you take your wallet out, looking for some paper with
necessary information on it (such as the card from the
psychiatric clinic you have luckily registered with), bring
out and let fall from your pocket a loosely-stoppered vial
of barbiturates (or amphetamines, or amphetamines and
barbiturates, or codeine, or any available morphine-like
compounds, or any combination of the above), making
sure that they spill and scatter widely (better remove the
stopper while your hand is still in your pocket). Gather
them up fast and nervously (in an obviously guilty manner), bumping your head on the desk if possible, and
mumble: "These are my medicine."
744  If it's cold out, wear only the thinnest summer shirt and
shorts and Japanese rubber sandals (pray for snow). If
it's hot out, wear two pairs of socks and underwear, two
shirts, two pairs of pants and a heavy (torn) winter overcoat. Undress but refuse to check your clothes, saying
you don't trust the Army, and insist that you want to
carry your clothes around with you and that you really
don't mind doing it. If they try to gently take your clothes
away, resist violently. When they bring you to the psychiatrist, hold all the clothes on your lap and up to your
jaw. Suck on your blue woolen shirt while answering the
psychiatrist's questions.
745 When they ask you to enumerate your children, put down
the names of ten (if you're under 21) or seventeen (if
you're over 21). Also put down four different mothers
(none of whom you are married to) in four different

42




cities. When questioned, be proud and radiate warmth
and triumph. Become angry at the slightest suggestion
that you are putting something over. Shout: "Do you
think I'm a liar?" If you are asked for specific addresses
so that the information can be checked, become indignant
and say that you don't want your women and children
to be embarrassed by a bunch of jealous Army pricks.
746 Write your Congressman that a member of your local
draft board is a faggot and tried to seduce you and when
you refused to go along he classified you 1-A. Include
carbon copies of indignant letters you have sent to The
New York Times, the New York Daily News, the FBI,
and Selective Service headquarters in Washington, none
of which have even bothered to reply. Tell the Congressman that you feel he is your last resort, and if he doesn't
answer your letter immediately you are going to picket
his home.
747 Send a letter to a member of your draft board offering
to suck him off if he will classify you 4-F.
748 When you get your 1-A classification, if there is a Jew
on the draft board mail him a registered letter accusing
him of sending all the gentiles to get killed in Viet Nam
while he lets the fat jewboys lap it up in college learning
how to get on the draft board. Inform him also that you
are sending a copy of this letter to the President and that
Hitler was right after all and it's too bad he didn't have
time to finish the job.
749 If you're Jewish and there is a gentile on your draft
board, send him a registered letter (preferably on synagogue stationery) accusing him of being an antisemite
and giving the names of five gentiles in your neighborhood
who are not in the Army. Tell him that your forefathers
came over here from Russia to avoid prejudice and that
he's no better than a Communist. Say that you're not
going to offer him a bribe because in spite of what he
thinks not all Jews are made of money, and you simply
46. F0urgeow' prtyS
w o  wL1ti

43




don't have the kind of dough you heard he usually asks
for. Tell him he should read Mike Gold's Jews Without
Money and find out for himself what it is really like to
be a Jew in America. Declare that you are reporting him
to the FBI, the CIA, and the FEPC, and also sending a
copy of this letter to the President. End your remarks
with an unkind Yiddish expression, such as "Zeit mir
moichel-ver geharget," * scrawled in large letters at the
bottom.
750 Bring a shopping bag full of food with you to the induction center and carry it around and eat continually even
when naked. If an attempt is made to take the food away,
start muttering: "What if I get hungry?... What if I get
hungry?" If they persist, clutch the bag tightly to your
body. If the bag should fortunately break while you are
struggling, immediately gather up as much of the food
as you can and try to stuff it into your pockets (or, if
you are naked, clutch it to you).
When you are taken to the psychiatrist, disregard his
first question, smile, and say (holding it in your outstretched hand with melting chocolate on your fingers):
"Would you like a piece of halvah?"
751 Bring a lunchbox with you and try to take it with you on
the examination line. When told to leave it with your
clothing, agree. The lunch should consist of two slices of
bread and a huge slab of rotting fish. For dessert, include
a dixie cup with something in it that looks like ice cream
but is actually shit and water. Make sure that some of
the shit is smeared on the outside of the lunchbox. When
they ask you about it, become very upset and yell:
"Gimme back my lunch! Gimme back my lunchl" If they
give it back to you, be prepared to eat a smidgen or two
of shit, belch a few times, close the lunchbox and look
contented. When they take you to the psychiatrist, tell
him: "Oh well, you can't argue about taste."
(Or you can say: "This is a free country and it's none
of your damn business what I eat.")
752 Notify your draft board every day (or even every hour)
of your changed physical condition, which you are re* Do me a favor--drop dead.

44




FIG. 193. - Type IX: Main de mkcanicien.

quired to do according to the statement on the back of
your draft card. When appealing your classification,
demand to see all the notifications you have sent.
753  Fart continually, like those who are truly great. (Some
carminatives are listed under "Flatulence" in the Physician's Desk Reference, which is available from Medical
Economics, Oradell, N.J., and may be consulted free of
charge at the New York Academy of Medicine Library.)
If you think farting is vulgar, belch continually, like those
who have truly ate.
754 If you ever had a disease, make sure you have it again
on induction day.
755 Search in the Merck Manual (which may be purchased
from Merck & Co., Rahway, N. J.) for a disease that
appeals to you, then get a genuine simulated disease. Do
not be too ambitious or exotic (don't try for the rarest
diseases)-but on the other hand, do not assume that
doctors know everything. They often know nothing about
the cause of your disease, but will hardly ever admit that
to you. Headaches, backaches, and so forth, can have an
infinity of possible causes.
Purchase a copy of French's Index of Diagnosis (published by Williams & Wilkins). (All these medical reference works may also be obtained from George Eliot, 1305
Second Ave., New York City.)
NB: Medical books are not so difficult to read, in spite
of what doctors may tell you. Physicians delight in an
obscurantist jargon, mostly for the same reasons any trade
does; therefore you will need a good medical dictionary,
such as Dorland's Unabridged. You will find that pyrexia
means "fever," epistaxis means "nosebleed," tachycardia
means "fast heartbeat," and catamenia means "menstrual

45




period,"' etc. Study hard in order to arrive at the (confusing?) complex of symptoms you most desire, or the
syndrome most suitable to your condition in life.
756  Be rare like Alexis St. Martin, who had a hole in his
stomach, and be too valuable to the medical profession
to be destroyed. Suggestions:
1. Ford sedan up your ass.
2. Five balls.
3. Perfect hermaphrodite.
4. No head.
5. Etc.
757  Tell the psychiatrist in a gloomy tone that you are, impotent and were considering committing yourself to a mental
hospital or castrating yourself or ending your life, but
now you are glad that the Army will do it for you. When
he asks: "Do what?" say with a cackle: "Kill me!" and
burst into hysterical laughter. Don't forget to express
disappointment when you are told to leave the induction
center. Make a fast recovery at the free clinic (if you
are sent there) and then write an article for Peace News
entitled: "I Was an Impotent for the CNVA."
758  Develop a stutter as you answer the psychiatrist's questions. If he asks you when you started to talk this way,
reply: "Oh, I always do it when I'm under stress, but it's
n... o...t... h... i... n...g (take five minutes to say
"49nothing"). If he asks you how it is that you have no past
record of stuttering, say that you were ashamed of it
and that in the rare instances where it did occur you convinced the school and job officials not to put it on your
record. Tell him: "They were very n... i... c... e (take
five minutes to say "nice")
Try practicing your stutter from the first day you
register for the draft. Imagine the tense situation and
then you won't even be lying.
759  Carry a large red and black flag into the induction center,
along with a portable tape recorder which is playing the
Anarchist version of the Internationale. Be accompanied
by a group of comrades who are shouting: "Fuck the
Army!" Then start to sing:

46




Onward Christian soldiers,
Onward as to war.
Kill your Christian brothers
As you've done before.
and various raucous anti-war songs, including "Kill for
Peace." When the flag is taken away from you, peel off
your red and black underwear and reveal a similar flag
tattooed on your chest. Have small red and black pencils
concealed in your beard, which is dyed red on one side
and black on the other. Fill in the even-numbered words
on the questionnaire with the red pencil and the oddnumbered ones with the black pencil.
760 When asked: "Do you want to join the Army?" reply
softly: "I've been waiting for a long time for a chance to
shoot a motherfucken general." When sent home, mumble:
"I knew you was yellow bastids all duh time anyway."
761 Learn Russian and speak only Russian. When aui interpreter is called, give him only your name, rank, and serial
number.
762 Learn Albanian and do likewise.
763 Learn Vietnamese and do likewise.
764 When you are in the induction center offer $50 to any
inductee who Will refuse to sign the loyalty oath. Speak
in a loud voice and wave a $50 bill around for emphasis.
765 Offer $100 in Chinese coins to any sergeant who will spit
on the, Flag and say: "'Fuck the imperialist United States"
three times. If the sergeant takes you up on it, wait until
he is finished and then say that you can't pay him after
all because that would be corrupting him.
766 If you are ever photographed, expose your cock. If you
have t o be photographed again, promise to behave and
then turn around and expose your ass.
767 Refuse to have your photograph taken. When asked why,
say: "I don't want you to steal my soul."
768 Refuse to be fingerprinted; when asked why, say: "I
don't want to get syphilis from all those dirty guys-who
knows where they had their hands?" When you are taken
to the psychiatrist, wipe the chair very carefully with a dirty
snot-encrusted handkerchief, then sit down very gingerly.

47




Stick your hands in your pockets, which have large holes,
and start playing fairly obviously with your balls. When
the psychiatrist asks you what you're doing, say firmly:
"I'm covering my balls to protect thern from that X-ray
machine," and nod at any object on the psychiatrist's desk
which is not larger than 4 square inches. If reasoned with,
say you know the Army has all kinds of new secret
weapons. Snicker, and look around nervously. Never take
your hands off your balls while in that room. If sent to a
clinic or hospital, lose your symptoms immediately. When
questioned, reply: "Only the Army has those secret machines-I've never found them anywhere else. The syphilis
germs on men's fingers? When I screw my girl I've got
no time to think about men," and laugh heartily.
769 Offer to sell the first official you meet your share of
the country.
770 Keep muttering (interspersed with your other routine
answers) "Fuck Johnson, Fuck Johnson, Fuck Johnson."
When asked what you are saying, shout it as loud as you
can. If moved on to next processor, repeat the phrase over
and over. If moved still closer to the swearing-in point,
convince your fellow inductees-to-be to repeat in unison
with you, louder and louder and louder: FUCK JOHNSON, FUCK JOHNSON, FUCK JOHNSONI
771 As above, but substitute JOHNSON LOVES NIGGERS.
772 As above, but substitute FUCK GOD UP THE ASSHOLE.
773 As above, but substitute I WANT TO GET LAID.
774 As above, but substitute GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN (not the song, just the title). You may substitute "fuck" for "rest" at your discretion.
775 Keep singing:
I didn't raise my boy to be a soldier,
I raised him up to be my pride and joy.
Who dares to put a musket on his shoulder
To kill another mother's darling boy?
louder and louder. Laugh first and then start crying.
Refuse to shut up.

48




776 As above, but bring your mother and have her sing it as
close to you as possible.
777 As above, but both of you sing it as a duet.
778 Put on a white sailor's cap and sing "Anchors Aweigh" at
the top of your voice; beam it only at Army personnel.
Intersperse the song with: "Hey bohunk-the Army
stinks." Do another stanza, then: "The Army was OK but
it's got too many niggers and Polacks in it now," etc. Try
to direct each racial slur to the Army personnel it will
most offend.
779 Sing the following version of the Marines' Hymn:
From the balls of Montezuma
To the whores of Tripoli
We fight for cunt in battles
In the air, on land, and sea.
First to fight for boobs and pussy
And we keep our penes clean.
We are proud to claim the title
Of Whore-Fucking States Marines.

Figure 12,-Smash-Delivery.

49




780 Tell them very seriously that you will start in only at
a colonel's rank and salary. They will answer: "You must
be joking!" but repeat yourself quite calmly, saying that
this is what you're worth and you won't be associating
with shits at any chickenshit salary. Reply to their arguments in a very cool and logical manner. When they begin
to get angry, react at exactly their level of emotion. But
if they are sarcastic, you remain serious. Keep the tension
going and repeat the entire argument logically to everyone
you meet, letting your emotions rise with theirs. Create
disturbance wherever you go.
781 Bring toy soldiers with you and play with them (by yourself). Talk very very slowly and softly to everyone and
look away while speaking. When the psychiatrist suggests
that maybe you should go home, burst into tears, throw
your toy soldiers down, and run out weeping.
782 Be so ugly you fail even Army standards.
783 Be a German rocket expert.
784 Be a Russian rocket etpert.
785 Tell them you will not turn your back on Alger Hiss.
786 Sing this song:
Asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity,
With piss, with piss, with pistols on my knee
To fight for cunt, to fight for cunt, to fight for
cunterie.
787 Refuse to cooperate in any way. If they tell you to stand,
sit down. If they tell you to shut up, keep on yelling. If
they vow they'll make a man out of you, kiss the sergeant.
788 Almost invariably the psychiatrists who are to examine
you will also be engaged in private practice. Get their
names from the induction center and call them twentyfive times a day. Explain how desperate you are and
promise to stop annoying them if they will promise to
declare you 4-F. If they fail to keep their part of the
bargain, complain to the American Psychiatric Association that they have violated professional ethics. This will
put a blot on their records and make them think twice
before breaking another promise.

50




789 Tell them that you have made a pact with the Devil: in
return for eternal youth you have promised to sacrifice
a chicken every night at the United Hebrew Cemetery in
Staten Island. You were a fool, but you agreed that if
you should fail to observe this ritual for just one night
the universe would be extinguished.
Obviously, if you are drafted and sent to Viet Nam you
will not be able to perform the sacrifices at the proper
location.
Appeal to their sense of guIlt and ask whether they
would like to be responsible for extinguishing the universe.
790 Tell them the above, but ask to be provided with free
legal counsel to investigate whether there is any chance
of abrogating your contract without jeopardizing the
safety of the universe.
Propose that in case you should have to give back your
eternal youth the Government should compensate, you
with fifty million dollars.
791 Be born again.
792  Offer the psychiatrist a stick of DMT disguised as a
cigarette.
793 Talk turkey. In other words, say gobble gobble gobble
gobble gobble gobble gobble.
794 Get your name on all kinds of left-wing mailing lists.
795 join many subversive organizations. Be sure to use your
right name.
796 join the American Nazi Party. Use your right name.
797  Sign many anti-war petitions.
798 Write a threatening letter to General Westmoreland or
any other general of your choice. (This may have complications. At any rate, we are advocating the letter only
and are opposed to any actual violence.)
799 Get a stroke.
800 Become Postmaster-General and deliver everyone else's
draft notices.
801 Become a (censored).
802  Send your Congressman a copy of this pamphlet. Ask him
how the Army can possibly be puffing out such trash. If
he replies that the pamphlet is obviously not an Army
publication tell him that McCarthy tried to investigate

51




Communist subversion in the Army but was murdered
by the Invisible Government and we lost the Korean War
and we're losing the Viet Nam War because the Army is
run by the commies and fairies.
803  Never go out of the house.
804  Demand the right to counsel at all stages.
805 You have the right to refuse lie detector examination.
However, you may wish to learn to beat the machine
instead. It does not measure lies, but only your guilt
responses and anxiety, which are correlated with breathing, sweating, and pulse rates. Think truthl Brainwash the
machine. Practice lying on your own machine and then
demand that the Army test you. This can and has been
done. Vive moder technologyl
806  In certain types of investigations (i.e., where you are
a suspected "subversive" or malingerer), you may be
asked to submit to a lie detector test. You are under no
obligation to do so, but perhaps you should, due to your
native curiosity about the process, and also out of a
desire to FTA.
The polygraph (that means "lie detector") operator
usually spends quite a bit of time-perhaps thirty or forty
minutes-familiarizing you with the machine and informing you in advance of the questions he will be asking. He
does this because he wants to make sure that any unusual
"jump" in pulse rate, breathing rate or amount of sweating
will indicate that you are lying, rather than be caused by
your uneasiness at being in the testing situation.
Cooperate with the operator up to this point. Just as
the examination is about to start, however, complain that
he has taken far too much of your time and you do not
intend to submit any longer. (NB: There is a good reason
for quitting at this point. It hurts to go through the test
because they tie a sphygmomanometer around your arm
which cuts off the circulation.)
The next day, telephone the Army Intelligence agent
(or whoever is handling your case) and say you're sorry
you were rude, and you'll be glad to be retested. If they
fall for this ruse, screw them up in the same way: go
through the preliminary rigamarole and then find some

52




excuse for leaving just before the real test begins. Don't
be afraid. They can't force you to go through with it
(even if they legally could, the results would be meaningless) and they can't stop you from walking out the door.
Out of all this you can gain perhaps the small but
precious satisfaction of knowing that the services of a
trained, relatively high-paid operator have been wasted,
and that you have incurred the wrath of two or three
Army minions.
807 Invoke the 29th Amendment to the Constitution. If they
say there isn't any 29th Amendment, retort: "I'm talking
about the Soviet Constitution, you schmucks!"
808 Tell the other pre-inductees that you will infect them with
leprosy for $22.50 each-but only if they promise not to
infect any others themselves, since that would diminish
your potential market.
809 If at any stage you think your answers may tend to incriminate you or to jeopardize your position, say nothing.
810 Be a wife.
811 Be a good wife, for her worth is more precious than
rubies.
812 Pick a fist fight with the guy next in line to you (your
friend?), and then pick a fight with the guy who tries to
separate you, and then pick a fight with-well, just go on
picking fights, dig?
813 Be yourself.
814  Be scared. Necessity is the mother of invention.
815 Find out who is the most influential member of your draft
board, and what company he works for or owns. Start a
propaganda campaign against that company (direct mail,
handbills, picketing, etc.), then telephone the man and
promise to stop the harassment if he will get you declared 4-F.
816 Travel around the college campuses soliciting funds for
Radio Hanoi.
817 Start a movement which advocates that New York City
secede from the U.S. and merge with Puerto Rico.
818 Be a wandering minstrel and wander over the border.
819 Use your Army papers to blow your nose.

53




820 Tear off the ends (a good hunk) of your papers and chew
them constantly while on the examination line.
821 If at all possible, do duty in the ladies' john.
822 Ask the doe if he wants a swig (you a little drunk) and
hand him an open (after you've had a shot) bottle of
your piss. Have a little dripping around for obvious effect.
Make sure piss is at least one day old.
823 Go on the road.
824 Bring a sketch pad and draw each examining doctor, but
draw him naked. As you leave to move on to the next
doctor, "accidentally" drop the sketch on the floor. Exaggerate the size of the sexual organs or make them female.
825 Send a telegram to the draft board on the day of your
scheduled appearance saying you would love to talk to
them, but you're on a peace demonstration today and
could they please give you another appointment, which
you hope to keep unless there's another demonstration
that day.
826 Bring a "Tillie the Toiler" book with you and jerk off in
the corner.
827 Pray to Lee Harvey Oswald to intercede on your behalf.
Carry one of his relics on your person (for example, a
few hairs or nail clippings housed in a silver casket).
828 Bring a portable tape recorder and play "Universal Soldier" wherever you go. If they take it away from you put
up a fight and start singing it yourself and refuse to stop.
Keep singing, keep singing, keep singing.
829 If you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
830 If you can't join 'em, lick 'em.
831 When you are called down for induction, repeat over and
over again: "John F. Kennedy is the Living God. John F.
Kennedy is the Living God." Then recite some of the
awful verses of similar sentiment made up by poetasters
and by hucksters who sell wall placards. Be sure to mention "John-John" with a nauseating simper in your voice.
After a few minutes you will probably be so obnoxious
that they will classify you anything you want just to get
rid of you.
832 Enroll at the School for Marxist Studies.

54




833 Enroll at Moscow University.
8,34 just keep on doing what you're doing.
835 As soon as you walk in, read a general anti-war statement
of your own composition at the top of your own voice.
836 Refuse to be drafted.
837 Declare peace.
8,38 Fail the IQ test (lie about your schooling).
839 Tell the truth about all the army people you meet, i.e.,
call them murderers, hypocrites, stoolies, finks, idiots, jailers, moral lepers, etc.
840 Tell the truth about the wars of the U.S., i.e., make a
speech explaining the true character of America's involvement in Viet Nam.
841 Burn LBJ in effigy.
842 Offer the psychiatrist a pinch of snuff, which you keep in
an aspirin tin. When he refuses, take a pinch yourselfthe snuff being shit, of course.
843 Fill out your draft questionnaire with ink made out of shit.
844 Fill out your draft questionnaire in manic, absolutely
illegible handwriting. If it is returned with a request to
write more legibly, fill it out the same way but write
larger.
845 Secede from the U.S. Set up your own country and demand to be treated as a prisoner of war under the Geneva
agreements.                    pyiinadd         o
846 Be born at home unattended by a pyiinadd         o
go to school or apply for social security or pay income
tax. You thereby do not exist.
847 Keep asking each official how much you get paid if you
kill a gook. Say you like the job but you want to be paid
by the piece because it encourages individual initiative
and it's the American way.
848  Smear chocolate ice cream (or shit) all over your body.
When asked why you did it, answer: 'That my business."
849 Bring your dog with you on a leash and insist you won'Pt
go without him. Keep hollering: ""Well who's gonna take
care of him? Will you take care of him? You want me to
kill him-just on account of your fucken war?"

55




850... I
(This one is too awful to mention.)
851 Admit you're a coward.
852 Drink yourself to death.
853 Tell them that Hitler is alive at U.S. Army headquarters
in Saigon.
854 Ask them: "It's a free country, ain't it?" When they say
well, yes, answer: "OK, I'm getting out of here and don't
try to stop me."
855 Bring an expertly-crafted rubber phallus. As you are
standing on line, make a great show of unwrapping it and
thrusting it deep into your mouth. Move it in and out with
great slurping noises. If you are naked, insert it intercrurally with a grand flourish (if you have been pedicated
before, use your rectum). When questioned, reply: "If
I can't get screwed by a soldier boy I have to use my
pacifier."
856 Tattoo FUCK COMMUNISM on your chest in letters 1
foot high.
857 Tattoo FUCK CAPITALISM     (in Russian) in letters 1
foot high.
858 Tattoo FUCK    THE ARMY, NAVY AND        MARINE
CORPS on your chest in letters 1 foot high. Or if you
have a small chest,
859 Tattoo FUCK THE ARMED FORCES on your chest in
letters 6 inches high.
860 Tattoo an American general and a WAC doing 69 on
your chest (1 foot high).
861 Tattoo an American general and a Chinese People's Republic woman lieutenant doing 69 on your chest (as close
to life-size as possible.)
862 Tattoo FUK FOR PEACE 1 foot high on your chest
(see how many people notice the spelling mistake!).
863 Tattoo WELCOME MEMBERS OF ALLIED FORCES
in a circle around your asshole.
864 Come in eating a pig's head.
865 Come in eating a dog's head.
866 Come in eating a human's head
867 Come in eating a godhead.

56




868 Take $10 worth of small change and insert it in your
rectum. When the asshole-inspection comes around, expel
the money and whisper to the doctor: "There's this and
more in it for you if you get me out of here."
869 A year before you are scheduled to be called down, go to
Bellevue and tell them you're afraid you're going to kill
yourself. Spend a few weeks in the nuthouse and then say
you feel fine. You'll probably get discharged. (If you're
afraid they'll hold you there against your will, make sure
beforehand that you know the sign-out psychiatrists
personally.) At pre-induction, claim that you have suicidal
tendencies, mentioning your nuthouse sojourn as evidence.
870 Tell them you'll go only if you can stick to a strict
macrobiotic diet.
871 Keep hollering: "I want my mama!"
872 Keep hollering: "I want my girlfriend!" and weep.
873 Keep hollering: "I want my boyfriend!" and moan.
874  Come in on a dolly, your legs folded under you, cap in
hand. Push yourself around and beg with this sign around
your neck: WOUNDED FOR MY COUNTRY.
875  When you present your papers make sure they are covered with half-dried menstrual fluid.
876  Try to enlist in the WACS.
877  Try to enlist in the WAVES.
878  Try to enlist in the lady Marines.
879 Then, when you are inducted, refuse to go in, saying:
"I've been turned down by the only branches I wanted,"
and show them your correspondence.
880 Become a hermit.
881  Conspire to make this world closer to the heart's desire.
882  Hide in a toilet for ten years.
883  Hide in a toilet for twelve years.
884  Hide in a toilet for fifteen years.
885  Hide in a toilet for 173 years.
886  Hide in a toilet for 25 years. (Do not hide in a toilet for
more than 25 years as the toilet will get dirty after so
long.)
887  Become a civil rights victim in Mississippi.
888  Say you never voted for it.

57




889 Rip up every letter the draft board sends you.
890 Or, stamp the letter from the draft board (rubber stamps
are cheap to make) DECEASED and then mail it back
to them.
891 Or, stamp the letter MOVED-LEFT NO FORWARDING ADDRESS and mail it back to them.
892 Or, stamp the letter NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS
and mail it back to them.
893 Or, stamp the letter SEX CHANGE and mail it back
to them.
894 Consider the birds of the air and the lilies of the field:
they do not sow, nor do they reap, and yet they are not
drafted.
895 Become a horse.
896 Become a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors
of silent seas.
897 Be a moron.
898 Be an idiot.
899 Be an imbecile, or
900  Be a Marine reservist.
901 Shut the windows and put up armor plate, leaving room
for rifles to project.
902 Go to Soviet Russia as an exchange student. In your private discussions, defend the Bill of Rights and attack the
Soviet one-party system. Be so outspoken that a stool
pigeon informs to the authorities and you are arrested and
tried and sentenced to a labor camp for two years.
The case will raise such a furor in the U.S. that your
sentence will possibly be commuted after a few months.
When you return you will be lionized and the local draft
board will feel that you have already suffered enough and
will not bother you.
Also, you will earn tens of thousands of dollars by selling your memoirs to the Saturday Evening Post.
903 Have six legs.
904 Have an extraordinarily long membrum virile (over 1
foot in length) which, if you were drafted, would make
you the envy of the barracks and distract your fellow
infantrymen so much that they would be too confused to
fight. (Despite the strictures of my [TK] hygiene in
58




structor at Brooklyn College [who used to put a bean in
the jar "cevery time my wife and I did it, but then we ran
out of beans"] that "the penis is not a muscle and does
not need exercise," it would seem unjust and unphilosophical that every organ of the body should develop
with use except the penis.)
A cock to the wise is sufficient.
905  Don't be processed.
906  Say you'd rather dodge the draft than dodge bullets.
907  Say: "Why? I might get killed!."
908 Walk up to the head of your draft board, look him i
the eye, grab him by the lapels, lift him up' a little and
whisper hoarsely: "Man, don't bug me!"
909  Get killed in Viet Nam.
910  Be your sister.
911  Be my mother.
912  Be Mahatma Gandhi.
913  Be a chipmunk.
914  Be marooned on a desert island.
915  Be marooned on a desert island with a beautiful woman,
or
916... fag even.
917  Make friends with the, Martians. Arrange for their king
to intercede with Pres. Johnson.
918  Put on tennis sneakers and a dirty skirt. Stand in Times
Square giving out leaflets which assert that Robert McNamara is, a Polish Jew and the leader of the Communist
conspiracy.
919  Say: "I ain't marching any more."
920  join the gypsies.
921  Find a million dollars in a toilet bowl (you the only one
who dares to fish it out) and then bribe the draft board.
922  join the CCC.
923  join the FBI and investigate draft-dodgers.
924  join the Gestapo.
925  Become a member of the Werewolves.
926  Live in a lake.
According to a monitored broadcast, Home Minister Genki
assured the public in Japan that American bombing of Japanese
cities might yet prove to be "a great blessing," since it would
"4allow many crooked streets to be straightened and many parks
and lagoons "to take the place of unsightly large buildings."




927  Run guns to the Americans.
928  Sell plans of Pearl Harbor to the Japanese.
929  Sell plans of Pearl Harbor to the Chinese.
930  Fall out the window.
931 Fall in front of a subway train.
932  Surround the induction center with paid mercenaries and
take it over. Hire your own orderlies, batmen, medics and
psychiatrists. Proceed to draft all those who feel that the
Viet Nam war is not hot enough. Send them immediately
to the jungles.
933  Be Prime Minister.
934  Eat your heart out.
935  Eat your heart and your liver.
936  Get sick.
937  Go to hell.
938  Sell your neighbor to the draft board.
939 Play dead.
940  When they ask for your name, laugh in their teeth. When
they ask for your address, spit in their faces. When they
ask for your date of birth, bite off their noses. (NAPA)
941  Chop 'em to bits because you like your hamburgers raw.
942  Use magic.
943  Own a monarchy.
944 Assassinate the Kaiser.
945 Assassinate the President.
946 Assassinate the Mayor.
947 Assassinate the Governor of New York.
948 Assassinate the Governor of New Jersey.
949 Assassinate the Governor of some other state.
950  Marry the Kaiser.
951  Marry the President.
952  Marry an African King.
953  Be a CIA man in darkest Africa.
954  Be a CIA man in darkest England.
955  Be a CIA man in darkest Israel.
956  Be a CIA man in darkest Harlem.
957  Become a bum, or
958  Become a politician.
959  Tell them you're Pius XII's illegitimate son.
960  Tell them you're Pius XII's illegitimate daughter.

60




961 When they ask for your occupation, reply proudly: "I'm
a union organizer-and a crackerjack one too. I have
great plans for the infantry. They're downtrodden and
underpaid and they have no organization to speak up for
them. But I'll change that, don't you worry."
962 Rent a room in the Texas Book Depository.
963 Fall down a rabbit hole.
964 Buy up 100 copies of the most obscene book available.
Remove the covers and substitute new ones which read:
"My Secret Life, by Lyndon B. Johnson." Include Johnson's picture on the dust jackets. Mail books to selected
legislators, clergymen and Birchers.
965 As preceding, but instead of using the innards of alreadypublished books, write a spurious one of your own which
purports to be Dean Rusk's secret diary. Make it really
hot-include many references to incest and coprophagia.
Advertise it in the Sunday Times Book Review.
966 Speak up for Jesus. When they start lecturing you about
becoming a soldier, say: "Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus!"
967 Convince them that if you point your finger at any person
and say zotz, he will drop dead. Tell them that you will
be doing a lot of pointing and zotzing very soon unless
they declare you 4-F.
968 Recite the Druid's Curse in a melancholy tone:
May the bleeding piles assail you
From your head down to your feet.
May crabs the size of lobsters
Crawl on your balls and eat.
And when you're old and withered
And a syphilitic wreck,
May you fall down your own asshole
And break your fucking neck.
969 Say that you have a cabbage patch and if they don't let
you tend the cabbage patch it will grow weeds. Point out
that food production is necessary for the war.
970 Become a recruiter for the Viet Cong. Offer a $25 bonus
for signing up. (NAPA)
971 Burn down the Reichstag.

61




972  Burn down the House Office Building.
973  Tell them you're last in war, first in peace, and first to
run where all the young girls are.
974  Be invisible.
975  Tell them that God is on the enemy's side and you don't
want to get on the wrong side of God.
976  Set fire to the Selective Service records. By the time they
are reconstructed you will be over draft age.
977  Get a letter from the papal nuncio that excuses you.
978  Register as a Communist.
979  Sell the other inductees dirty pictures.
980  Say you had a personal vision in which God appeared to
you and said: "Do not kill anyone.2
981 Tell them you'll bury them.
982  Tell them to fuck off.
983  Lead a profligate life,: cohabit with a Negro (or Negress),
drink, get numerous (small) dope arrests (with plenty
of publicity), gamble and also swear. Be therefore "immoral" and unsuitable for association with others in that
great moral establishment The Armed Forces of the United
States of (North) America.
984  Come in with a can of kerosene and matches. Threaten
to immolate yourself if they draft you.
985  When the bell tolls, make sure it doesn't toll for you.
986  Rush into the induction center yelling: "The war's over!
The war's over!" Hope they'll be too confused to process
your papers.
987  Send David McReynolds in your place.
988 Tell them: "All right, I'll do whatever you want me to,
but please don't throw me into the briar patch! Please
don't throw me into the briar patch!" When they throw
you into the briar patch get up and rnm away.
989  Tell them if they don't declare you 4-F your friends will
stage a sitdown strike in the induction center.
990  Promise that if they don't draft you you will be glad to
send your mother and three sisters to Viet Nam to take
some of the load off the overworked Saigon prostitutes.
Explain that increasing the number of whores means
that their price will go down, which will increase GI

62




fMY aUb hE B8Y.
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(N AND OUT OF VOSPITAL
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LOST MY ITH44E TRENCHEI  1!
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A Smile for the winner.   A Tear for the dying.
A Dollar for the Needy
Read! Laugh! Cry! Be good to the Soldiers!
To be sold by Ex-Service Men only as a means of self-support
Price 25 Cents
63




savings and help our balance of payments situation.
(Emphasize that your mother and three sisters are
practically free from disease.)
991  Refuse to buy their program unless green stamps are
offered for every enemy killed.
992 Walk into the induction center with an officer's uniform in
your traveling bag. After you get your papers, go to the
toilet and put the uniform on. Then go up to the desk
where the papers are stamped ACCEPTED or REJECTED. Ask the sergeant in charge for the REJECTED
stamp (or snitch it while he isn't looking) and stamp your
papers. Return to the toilet-,and complete filling out the
forms. Then Walk out, dump 'the papers into the REJECTED box and leave.
993 To reduce the chances of being discovered, get your
friend to dress as an officer, hand him your papers, and
proceed as above. Leave separately.
994 When you go to register, tell the female clerk you want
to register in the "Bugger Corps" and laugh hysterically.
If she doesn't know what "bugger" means, tell her you
want to register in the "Fuck Corps."
995  Be an official deferred by law.
996 Get yourself ordained in the Free Catholic Church, or
997 Become a divinity student in the Free Catholic Church, or
998 Create your own church and ordain yourself its Bishop or
Cardinal even (maybe Pope).
999 Demonstrate in favor of the draft at your local board.
Since students who demonstrate against the draft are
reclassified 1-A, then you will be reclassified 2-S.
1000 Become a card-carrying member of Kerista.
1001 Bring peace to Viet Nam: strike joy into the universe.

Defends Reclassification
In the face of many sharply
worded questions, he stoutly defended the action of a draft
board at Ann Arbor, Mich., in
reclassifying college youths who
held a sit-in In the board's offices from student status to
class 1-A.
"They didn't refuse the org--*
inal deferment," General Hershey said. "'You don't come
around for the meal and leave
before you wash the dishes."




The oath of allegiance: a memorable day in the life of every
young soldier




ORDER TO REPORT Of INMDUCTION
SePtesber 8, 1966
feit w*ave ae was on
l* pmode  t at tCe* dted states
Lyndon            Raines            Johnson
70~~~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~........................
(lima mm")       I XWOU *am") I    tn ae              gls   oeAh
Pedernales River
Johnson City, Texas                         78636
Having submitted yoarself to a Loeal Board composed of your neighttbs for the parpe of determining Your availability for saevice in the armed forme of the United States. you are here~by ordeed to
~                     Johnson Gity, Texas
Meort to the ILocal Board named above atJon            nCiy         Tea
700 a.                     TEiNTH                     SEPTEMBER            66
teday of                                                                   I       for
forwarding to an Iadaction stationt.
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