APPLETONS' POPULAR LIBRARY
OF THE BEST AUrTHORS.
THE CONFESSIONS OF FITZ-BOODLE;
AND
SOME PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF MAJOR
GAtHAGAN.




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T 1IE
CONFESSIONS OF FITZ-BOODLE;
AND
SOME PASSAGES
IN THE
LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
BY
W. IM. THACKERAY.
AUTHOR OF "PENDENNIS," "THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON,"
"THE BOOK OF SNOBS,"  MEN'S WIVES," ETC.
NEW-YORK:
D. APPLETON & COMPANY, 200 BROADWAY.
M.DCCCLI.L








PUBLISHER'S ADVERTISEMENT.
THE " CONFESSIONS OF FITZ-BOODLE " are printed
from Fraser's Magazine for the year 1842, and
"SOME PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN," from the London edition, of the year 1841.
NEW YORI, NOVEMBER, 1852.








C ON T E NTS.
CONFESSIONS OF  FITZ-BOODLE.
Page
PREFACE..9
FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS....           13
PROFESSIONS BY GEORGE FITZ-BOODLE..48
Miss LwE..95
DOROiH EA.    124
OTTILIA..    147
SOME PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGOAN.
CHAPTER T.
"Truth is 0trange, Stranger than Fiction.".                              173
CHAPTER I[.
Allvyhur and Lasw alc...                                    191
CHAPTER III.
A Peep into Spain-Account of the Origin and Services of the Allnednuggar lrrgunilars....                206
CHAPTER IV.
The Indian Camp-The Sortie fiom the Fort..                 226
CHAPTER V.
The Issue of my Interview with my Wife.                                   239
CHAPTER VT.
Faminne in tih' Garrison...                       245
CHAPTER VII.
The E cape....  254
CHAPTER VIIL.
The Captive..258
CHAPTER IX.
Surprise of Fut:'-luar.                                          267








FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
PREFACE.
GEORGE FITZ-BOODLE, ESQUIRE, TO OLIVER YORKE,
ESQUIRE.
Omniurn Club, May 20, 1842.
DEAR SIR,-I have always been considered the thirdbest whist-player in Europe, and (though never betting
more than five pounds) have for many years past added
considerably to my yearly income by my skill in the
game, until the commencement of the present season,
when a French gentleman, Monsieur Lalouette, was
admitted to the club where I usually play. His skill
and reputation were so great, that no men of the club
were inclined to play against us two of a side; and the
consequence has been, that we have been in a manner
pitted against one another. By a strange turn of luck
(for I cannot admit the idea of his superiority), Fortune,
since the Frenchman's arrival, has been almost constantly against me, and I have lost two-and-thirty
nights in the course of a couple of score of nights' play.
Every body knows that I am a poor man; and so
much has Lalouette's luck drained my finances, that
only last week I was obliged to give him that famous
1*




10          FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
grey cob on which you have seen me riding in the Park
(I can't afford a thorough-bred, and hate a cocktail),-I
was, I say, forced to give him up my cob in exchange
for four ponies which I owed him. Thus, as I never
walk, being a heavy man whom nobody cares to mount,
my time hangs heavily on my hands; and as I hate
home, or that apology for it-a bachelor's lodgings, and
as I have nothing earthly to do now until I can afford
to purchase another horse, I spend my time in sauntering from one club to another, passing many rather listless hours in them before the men come in.
You will say, Why not take to backgammon, or
ecarte, or amuse yourself with a book? Sir (putting
out of the question the fact that I do not play upon
credit), I make a point never to play before candles are
lighted; and as for books, I must candidly confess to
you I am not a reading man.'Twas but the other day
that some one recommended me to read your Magazine
after dinner, saying it contained an. exceedingly witty
article upon-I forget what-I give you my honour,
sir, that I took up the work at six, meaning to amuse
myself till seven, when Lord Trumpington's dinner was
to come off, and egad! in two minutes I fell asleep, and
never woke till midnight. Nobody ever thought of
looking for me in the library, where nobody ever goes;
and so ravenously hungry was I, that I was obliged to
walk off to Crockford's for supper.
What is it that makes you literary persons so stupid?
I have met various individuals in society who I was told
were writers of books, and that sort of thing, and expect
ing rather to be amused by their conversation, have
invariably found them dull to a degree, and as for infor



PREFACE.                   11
mation, without a particle of it. Sir, I actually asked
one of these fellows, "What was the nick to seven V"
and he stared in my face, and said he didn't know. He:was hugely overdressed in satin, rings, chains, and so
forth; and at the beginning of dinner was disposed to
be rather talkative and pert; but my little sally silenced
him I promise you, and got up a good laugh at his
expense, too. "Leave George alone," said little Lord
Cinqbars, " I warrant he'll be a match for any of you
literary fellows."  Cinqbars is no great wiseacre; but,
indeed, it requires no great wiseacre to know that.
What is the simple deduction to be drawn from this
truth?  Why this,-that a man to be amusing and
well-informed, has no need of books at all, and had
much better go to the world and to men for his knowledge.  There was Ulysses, now, the Greek fellow
engaged in the Trojan war, as I dare say you know;
well, he was the cleverest man possible, and how? from
having seen men and cities, their manners noted and
their realms surveyed, to be sure: so have I-I have
been in every capital, and can order a dinner in every
language in Europe.
My notion, then, is this. I have a great deal of spare
time on my hands, and as I am told you pay a handsome sum to persons writing for you, I will furnish you
occasionally with some of my views upon men and
things; occasional histories of my acquaintance, which
I think may amuse you; personal narratives of my own;
essays, and what not. I am told that I do not spell correctly. This, of course, I don't know; but you will
remember that Richelieu and Marlborough could not
spell, and, ead! I am an honest man, and desire to be




12           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
no better than they.  I know that it is the matter, and
not the manner, which is of importance.  Have the
goodness, then, to let one of your understrappers correct
the spelling and the grammar of my papers; and you
can give him a few shillings in my name for his trouble.
Begging you to accept the assurance of my high consideration, I am, sir,
Your obedient servant,
GEORGE SAVAGE FITZ-BOODLE.
P. S. By the way, I have said in my letter that I
found all literary persons vulgar and dull.  Permit me
to contradict this with regard to yourself. I met you
once at Blackwall, I think it was, and really did not
remark anything offensive in your accent or appearance.




FITZ-BOODLE 6 CONFESSIONS.          13
FITZ-BOODLE'S  CONFESSIONS.
BEFORE commencing the series of moral disquisitions,
&c., which I intend, the reader may as well know who
I am, and what my past course of life has been. To
say that I am a Fitz-Boodle is to say at once that I am
a gentleman. Our family has held the estate of Boodle
ever since the reign of Henry II.; and it is out of no
ill-will to my elder brother, or unnatural desire for his
death, but only because the estate is a very good one,
that I wish heartily it was mine: I would say as much of
Chatsworth or Eaton Hall.
I am not, in the first place, what is called a ladies'
man, having contracted an irrepressible habit of smoking after dinner, which has obliged me to give up a great
deal of the dear creatures' society; nor can I go much
to country-houses for the same reason. Say what they
will, ladies do not like you to smoke in their bed-rooms;
their sily little noses scent out the odour upon the
chintz, weeks after you have left them. Sir John has
been caught coming to bed particularly merry and redolent of cigar smoke. Young George, from Eton, was
absolutely found in the little green-house puffing an
Havanna; and when discovered, they both lay the




14          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
blame upon Fitz-Boodle.  "It was Mr. Fitz-Boodle,
mamma," says George, " who offered me the cigar, and
I did not like to refuse him."  " That rascal Fitz seduced
us, my dear," says Sir John, "and kept us laughing
until past midnight."  Her ladyship instantly sets me
down as a person to be avoided.' George," whispers
she to her boy, " promise me, on your honour, when
you go to town, not to know that man."  And when
she enters the breakfast room  for prayers, the first
greeting is a peculiar expression of countenance and
inhaling of breath, by which my lady indicates the
presence of some exceedingly disagreeable odour in the
room.  She makes you the faintest of courtesys, and
regards you, if not with a "flashing eye," as in the
novels, at least with a  distended nostril."  During the
whole of the service, her heart is filled with the blackest gall towards you; and she is thinking about the
best means of getting you out of the house.
What is this smoking that it should be considered a
crime? I believe in my heart that women are jealous
of it, as of a rival. They speak of it as of-some secret,
awful vice that seizes upon a man, and makes him a
Pariah from  genteel society.  I would lay a guinea
that many a lady who has just been kind enough to
read the above lines lays down the book, after this confession of mine that I am a smoker, and says, " Oh, the
vulgar wretch!" and passes on to something elte.
The fact is, that the cigar is a rival to the ladies, and
their conqueror, too. In the chief pipe-smoking nations
they are kept in subjection.  While the chief, Little
White Belt, smokes, the women are silent in his wigwam.; while Mahomet Ben Jawbrakine causes volumes




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.          15
of odorous incense of Latakia to play round his beard,
the women of the harem do not disturb his meditations,
but only add to the delight of them by tinkling on a
dulcimer and dancing before him.  When Professor
Strumpff, of Gottingen, takes down No. 13 from the
wall, with a picture of Beatrice Cenci upon it, and which
holds a pound of canaster, the Frau Professorin knows
that for two hours Hermann is engaged, and takes up
her stockings, and knits in quiet.  The constitution of
French society has been quite changed within the last
twelve years; an ancient and respectable dynasty has
been overthrown; an aristocracy which Napoleon could
never master has disappeared: and from what cause?
I do not hesitate to say,-from the habit of smoking.
Ask any man whether, five years before the revolution
of July, if you wanted a cigar at Paris, they did not
bring you a roll of tobacco with a straw in it? Now,
the whole city smokes; society is changed; and be sure
of this, ladies, a similar combat is going on in this country at present between cigar-smoking and you. Do
you suppose you will conquer? Look over the wide
world, and see that your adversary has overcome it.
Germany  has been  puffing  for threescore  years;
France smokes to a man. Do you think you can keep
the enemy out of England?  Pshaw! look at his progress. Ask the club-houses, Have they smoking rooms,
or not? Are they not obliged to yield to the general
want of the age, in spite of the resistance of the old
women on the committees? I, for my part, do not
despair to see a bishop lolling out of the Athenaeum
with a cheroot in his mouth, or, at any rate, a pipe
stuck in his shovel-hat.




16            FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
But as in all great causes and in promulgating of new
and illustrious theories, their first propounders and exponents are generally the victims of their enthusiasm, of
course the first preachers of smoling have been martyrs
too; and George Fitz-Boodle is one.  The first gasman
was ruined; the inventor of steam-engine  printing
became a pauper.  I began to smoke in days when the
task was one of some danger, and paid the penalty of
my crime.  I was flogged most fiercely for my first
cigar; for being asked to dine one Sunday evening
with a half-pay colonel of dragoons (the gallant, simple,
humorous Shortcut —Heaven bless him! —I have had
many a guinea from him who had so few), he insisted
upon my smoking in his room  at the Salopian, and the
consequence was, that I became so violently ill as to
be reported intoxicated upon my return to Slaughterhouse School, where I was a boarder, and I was whipped the next morning for my peccadillo.  At Christ
Church, one of our tutors was the celebrated lamented
Otto Rose, who would have been a bishop under the
present government, hlad not an immoderate indulgence
in water-gruel cut short his elegant and useful career.
He was a good manl, a pretty scholar and poet (the
episode upon the discovery of eau de Cologne, in his
prize-poem  on' The Rhine," was considered a masterpiece of art, though I am not much of a judg'e myself
upon such matters), and he was as remarkable for his
fondness for a tuft as for his nervous antipathy to
tobacco.  As ill-luck would have it, my rooms (in Tom
Quad) were exactly under his; and I was grown by
this time to be a confirmed smoker.  I was a baronet's
son (we are of James's first creation), and I do believe




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.           17
our tutor could have pardoned any crime in the vworld
but this. He had seen me in a tandem, and at that
moment was seized with a violent fit of sneezing
sternutatory paroxysm, he called it), at the conclusion
of which I was a mile down the Woodstock Road.  He
had seen me in pink, as we used to call it, swaggering
in the open sunshine across a grass-plat in the court;
but spied out opportunely a servitor, one Todhunter by
name, who was going to morning chapel with his shoestring  untied, and forthwith  sprung  towards that
unfortunate person, to set him an imposition. Every
thing, in fact, but tobacco he could forgive.  Why did
cursed fortune bring him  into the rooms over mine?
The odour of the cigars made his gentle spirit quite
furious; and one luckless morning, when I was standing before my "oak," and chanced to puff a great
boljfee of Varinas into his face, he forgot his respect for
my family altogether (I was the second son, and my
brother a sickly creature then,-he is now sixteen stone
in weight, and has a half-score of children); gave me a
severe lecture, to which I replied rather hotly, as was
my wont. And then came demand for an apology;
refusal on my part; appeal to the dean; convocation;
and rustication of George Edward Fitz-Boodle.
My father had taken a second wife (of the noble
house of Flintskinner), and Lady Fitz-Boodle detested
smoking, as a woman of her high principles should.
She had an entire mastery over the worthy old gentleman, and thought I was a sort of demon of wickedness.
The old man went to his grave with some similar
notion,-Heaven  help him! and left me but the




18          FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
wretched twelve thousand pounds secured to me on my
poor mother's property.
In the army, my luck was much the same. I joined
the    ~th lancers, Lieut.-Col. Lord Martingale, in
the year 1817. I only did duty with the regiment for
three months. We were quartered at Cork, where I
found the Irish doodheen and tobacco the pleasantest
smoking possible; and was found by his lordship one
day upon stable duty, smoking the shortest, dearest,
little, dumpy clay-pipe in the world.
"Cornet Fitz-Boodle," said my lord, in a towering
passion, " from what blackguard did you get that pipe?"
I omit the oaths which garnished invariably his
lordship's conversation.
" I ot it, my lord,"-said I, " from one Terence Mullins, a jingle-driver, with a packet of his peculiar tobacco. You sometimes smoke Turkish, I believe; do try
this. Isn't it good?" And in the simplest way in the
world I puffed a volume into his face. " I see you like
it," said I, so coolly, that the men, and I do believe the
horses, burst out laughing.
He started back-choking almost, and recovered
himself only to vent such a storm of oaths and curses,
that I was compelled to request Capt. Rawdon (the
captain on duty) to take note of his lordship's words;
and unluckily could not help adding a question which
settled my business. " You were good enough," I said,
" to ask me, my lord, from what blackguard I got my
pipe; might I ask from what blackguard you learned
your language V"
This was quite enough. Had I said "from  what




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.          19
gentleman did your lordship learn your language?"
the point would have been quite as good, and my lord
Martingale would have suffered in my place: as it was,
I was so strongly recommended to sell out by his Royal
Highness the Commander-in-chief, that being of a goodnatured disposition, never knowing how to refuse a
friend, I at once threw up my hopes of military distinction, and retired into civil life.
My lord was kind enough to meet me afterwards, in
a field in the Glaumire Road, where he put a ball into
my leg. This I returned to him some years later with
about twenty-three others-black ones-when he came
to be balloted for at a club of which I have the honour
to be a member.
Thus by the indulgence of a simple and harmless
propensity,-of a propensity which can inflict an injury
upon no person or thing except the coat and the person
of him who indulges in it,-of a custom honoured and
observed in almost all the nations of the world,-of a
custom which far from leading a man into any wickedness or dissipation to which youth is subject, but, on'the
contrary, begets only benevolent silence and thoughtful
good-humoured observation, I found at the age of
twenty all my prospects in life destroyed. I cared not
for woman in those days; the calm smoker has a sweet
companion in his pipe: I did not drink immoderately
of wine; for though a friend to trifling potations, to
excessively strong drinks tobacco is abhorrent; I never
thought of gambling, for the lover of the pipe has no
need of such excitement; but I was considered a monster of dissipation in my family, and bade fair to come
to ruin.




20           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
" Look at George," my mother-in-law  said to the
genteel and correct young Flintskinners; "he entered
the world with every prospect in life, and see in what
an abyss of degradation his fatal habits have plunged
him! At school he was flogged and disgraced, he was
disgraced and rusticated at the university, he was disgraced and expelled fiom the army.  He might have
had the living of Boodle (her ladyship gave it to one
of her nephews), but he would not take his degree; his
papa would have purchased him a troop-nay, a lieutenant-colonelcy some day, but for his fatal excesses.
And now as long as my dear husband will listen to the
voice of a wife who adores him-never, never shall he
spend a shilling upon so worthless a young man. He
has a small income from  his mother (I cannot but
think that the first Lady Fitz-Boodle was a weak and
misguided person); let him live upon his mean pittance
as he can, and I heartily pray we may not hear of him
in gaol!"
My brother, after he came to the estate, married the
ninth daughter of our neighbour, Sir John Spreadeagle;
and Boodle Hall has seen. a new little Fitz-Boodle with
every succeeding spring. The dowager retired to Scotland
with a large jointure and a wondrous heap of savings.
Lady Fitz is a good creature, but she thinks me something diabolical, trembles when she sees me, and gathers
all her children about her, rushes into the nursery whenever I pay that little seminary a visit, and actually
slapped poor little Frank's ears one day when I was
teaching him to ride upon the back of a Newfoundland
dog.
" George," said my brother to me the last time I paid




FITZ-BOODLF,'S CONFESSIONS.          21
him a visit to the old hall, " don't be angry, my dear
fellow, but Maria is in a-hum-in a delicate situation,
expecting her —um —(the eleventh) —and do you
know you frighten her?  It was but yesterday you met
her in the Rookery, you were smoking that enormous
German pipe, and when she came in she had an hysterical seizure, and Drench says that in her situation it's
dangerous; and I say, George, if you go to town you'll
find a couple of hundred at your banker's;" and with
this the poor fellow shook me by the hand, and called
for a fiesh bottle of claret.
Since then he told me, with many hesitations, that
my room at Boodle Hall had been made into a second
nursery.  I see my sister-in-law in London twice or
thrice in the season, and the little people, who have
almost forgotten to call me Uncle George.
It's hard, too, for I am  a lonely man, after all, and
my heart yearns to them.  The other day I smuggled
a couple of them  into my chambers, and had a little
feast of cream and strawberries to welcome them. But
it had like to have cost the nurserymaid (a Swiss girl
that Fitz-Boodle hired somewhere in his travels) her
place.  My step-mamma, who happened to be in town,
came flying down in her chariot, pounced upon the
poor thing and the children in the midst of the entertainment; and when I asked her, with rather a bad
grace to be sure, to take a chair and a share of the
feast,"Mr. Fitz-Boodle," said she, "I am  not accustomed
to sit down in a place that smells of tobacco like an
ale-house-an ale-house inhabited by a serpent, sir! A
serpent! do you understand me? who carries his poi



22            FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
son into his brother's own house, and purshues his
eenfamous designs before his brother's own children.
Put on Miss Maria's bonnet this instant.   Mamsell,
ontondy-voo?  lletty le bonny a mamrsell; and I shall
take care, mamsell, that you return to Switzerland tomorrow.  I've no doubt you are a relation of Courvoisier: oui, oui, Courvoisier; vous comprenny? and you
shall certainly be sent back to your fiiends."
With this speech, and with the children and their
maid sobbing before her, my lady retired; but for once
my sister-in-law was on my side, not liking the meddlement of the elder lady.
I know, then, that from  indulging in that simple
habit of smoking, I have gained among the ladies a
dreadful reputation.  I see that they look coolly upon
me, and darkly at their husbands when they arrive at
home in iny company.  Men, I observe, in consequence,
ask me to dine much oftener at the club, or the Star
and Garter at Richmond, or at Lovegrove's, than in
their own houses; and with this sort of arrangement I
am fain to acquiesce; for, as I said before, I am of an
easy temper, and can at any rate take my cigar-case out
after dinner at Blackwall, when my lady or the duchess
are not by.  I know, of course, the best mmiz in town;
and as for ladies' society, not having it (for I will have
none of your pseudo-ladies, such as sometimes honour
bachelors' parties,-actreesses, couturieres, opera-dancers,
and so forth)-as for ladies' society, I say, I cry pish I't is not worth the trouble cf the complimenting, and
the bother of pumps and black silk stockings.
Let any man remember what ladies' society was when
he had an opportunity of seeing them  among them



FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.          23
selves, as What-d'ye-call'em does in Thesmophoriazu(I beg pardon, I was on the verge of a classical allusion, which I abominate)-I mean at that period of
his life when the intellect is pretty acute, though the
body is. small-namely, when a young gentleman is
about eleven years of age, dining at his father's table
during the holydays, and is requested by his papa to
quit the dinner-table when the ladies retire from it.
Corbleu! I recollect their whole talk as well as if it
had been whispered but yesterday; and can see, after
a long dinner, the yellow summer sun throwing long
shadows over the lawn before the dining-room windows,
my poor mother and her company of ladies, sailing
away to the music-room  in old Boodle Hall.  The
Countess Dawdley was the great Lady in our county,a portly lady who used to love crimson satin in those
days, and birds of paradise. She was flaxen-haired,
and the Regent once said she resembled one of King
Charles's beauties.
When Sir John Todcaster used to begin his famous
story of the exciseman (I shall not tell it here, for very
good reasons), my poor mother used to turn to Lady
Dawdley, and give that mystic signal at which all females
rise from their chairs. Tufthunt the curate would spring
from his seat, and be sure to be the first to open the
door for the retreating ladies; and my brother Tom
and I, though remaining stoutly in our places, were
speedily ejected from them by the governor's invariable
remark, " Tom  and George, if you have had quite
enough of wine, you had better go and join your
mamma."  Yonder she marches, Heaven bless her!
through the old oak hall (how long the shadows of the




24            FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
antlers are on the wainscot, and the armour of Rollo
Fitz-Boodle looks in the sunset as if it were emblazoned
with rubies)-yonder she marches, stately and tall in
her invariable pearl-coloured tabinet. followed by Lady
Dawdley, blazing like a flamingo; next comes Lady
Emily Tufthunt (she was Lady Emily Skinflinter), who
will not for all the world take precedence of rich,
vulgar, kind, good-humoured Mrs. Colonel Grogwater,
as she would be called, with a yellow  little husband
from Madras, who first taught me to drink sangaree.
He was a new arrival in our county, but paid nobly to
the hounds, and occupied hospitably a house which was
always famous for its hospitality-Sievely Hall (poor
Bob  Cullender ran  through  seven thousand  a-year
before he was thirty years old).  Once when I was a
lad, Colonel Grog'water gave me two gold mohurs out
of his desk for whist-markers, and  I'm  sorry to say I
ran up fiom Eton and sold them both for seventy-three
shillings at a shop in Cornhill.  But to return to the
ladies who are all this while kept waiting in the hall,
and to tleir usual conversation after dinner.
Can any man forget how miserably flat it was?  Five
matrons sit on sofas and talk in a subdued voice:First Iad/ (mysteriously).  "My dear Lady Dawdley,
do tell me about poor Susan Tuckett."
Secolnd lady.  " All three children are perfectly well,
and I assure you as fine babies as I ever saw in my life.
I macde her give them Daffy's Elixir the first day; and
it was the greatest mercy that I had some of Frederick's
baby-clothes by me; for you know  I had provided
Susan with sets for one only, and really     "
Third lady.  "Of course one couldn't; and for my




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.             25
part I think your ladyship is a great deal too kind to
these people.  A  little gardener's boy dressed in Lord
Dawdley's frocks, indeed! I recollect that one at his
christening had the sweetest lace in the world!"
Fourth lady. " What do you think of this, Ina'amLady Emily, I mean?  I have just had it from Howell
and James:-gipure, th:ey call it.  Isn't it an odd name
for lace?  And they charge me upon my conscience,
four guineas a yard!"
Third lady.     My mother, when she came to Skinflinter, had lace upon her robe that cost sixty guineas a
yard, ma'am!'T was sent from Malines direct by our
relation, the Count d'Araignay."
Fourth Lady (aside).  "I thought she would not
let the evening pass without talking of her Malines lace
and her Count d'Araignay.  Odious people! they don't
spare their backs, but they pinch their     "
Here Tom  upsets a coffee-cup over his white jean
trousers, and another young gentleman bursts into a
laugh, saying, " By Jove, that's a good'un!"
" George, my dear," says mamma, " had not you and
your young friend better go into the garden?  But
mind, no fruit, or Dr. Glauber must be called in again
immediately!" and we all go, and in ten minutes I and
my brother are fighting in the stables.
If instead of listening to the matrons and their discourse, we had taken the opportunity of attending to
the conversation of the misses, we should have heard
matter not a whit more interesting.
First Miss.  "They were all three in blue crape;
you never saw any thing so odious.  And I know for a
certainty that they wore those dresses at Gmittlebury at
2




26           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
the archery-ball, and I daresay they had them  in
town."
Second Miss.  "Don't you think Jemima decidedly
crooked?  And those fair complexions they freckle
so, that really Miss Blanch ought to be called Miss
Brown."
Third Miss.  "He, he, he!"
Fourth Miss.  "Don't you think Blanch is a pretty
name "
First Miss.  "La! do you think so, dear?  Why,
it's my second name!"
Second  Miss.  "Then I'm  sure Captain Travers
thinks it a beautiful name 1"
Third Miss.  "He, he, he!"
Fourth Miss.  " What was he telling you at dinner
that seemed to interest you so "
First Miss.  " O  law, nothing!-that is, yes!
Charles-that is, Captain Travers, is a sweet poet, and
was reciting to me some lines that he had composed
upon a faded violet:-'The odour from the flower is gone,
That like thy'
like thy something, I forget what it was; but his lines
are sweet, and so original too! I wish that horrid Sir
John Todhunter had not begun his story of the exciseman, for Lady Fitz-Boodle alwa s quits the table when
he begins."
Third Miss.  "Do you like those tufts that gentlemen wear sometimes on their chins?"
Second.Miss.  "Nonsense, Mary!"
Third Miss.  "Well, I only asked, Jane.  Frank




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.         27
thinks, you know, that he shall very soon have one,
and puts bear's-grease on his chin every night."
Second Miss. " Mary, nonsense!"
Third Miss. "Well, only ask him. You know he
came to our dressing-room last night and took the
pomatum away; and he says that when boys go to
Oxford they always-   "
First Miss. "Oh, heavens! have you heard the
news about the Lancers? Charles-that is, Captain
Travers, told it me 1"
Second Miss. "Law! they won't go away before
the ball, I hope!"
First Miss. "No, but on the 15th they are to
shave their mustachios! He says that Lord Tufto is in
a perfect fury about it!"
Second Miss. "And poor George Beardmore, too!"
&c.
Here Tom upsets the coffee over his trousers, and
the conversations end. I can recollect a dozen such, and
ask any man of sense whether such talk amuses him 
Try again to speak to a young lady while you are
dancing-what we call in this country-a quadrille.
What nonsense do you invariably give and receive in
return! No, I am a woman-scorner, and don't care to
own it. I hate young ladies! Have I not been in
love with several, and has any one of them ever treated
me decently? I hate married women! Do they not
hate me? and, simply because I smoke, try to draw their
husbands away from my society? I hate dowagers! Have
I not cause? Does not every dowager in London point
to George Fitz-Boodle as to a dissolute wretch whom
young and old should avoid?




28           FITZ-DOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
And yet do not imagine that I have not loved.  I
have, and mnadly, many, many times! I am but eightand-thirty,* not past the age of passion, and may very
likely end by running off with an heiress-or a cookmaid (for who knows what strange freaks Love may
choose to play in his own particular person? and I
hold a man to be a mean creature who calculates about
checking any such sacred impulse as lawful love)-I
say, though despising the sex in general for their conduct to me, I know of particular persons belonging to
it who are worthy of all respect and esteem, and as
such I beg leave to point out the particular young lady
who is perusing these lines.  Do not, dear madam, then
imagine that if I knew you, I should be disposed to
sneer at you. Ah, no! Fitz-Boodle's bosom has tenderer sentiments than from  his way of life you would
fancy, and stern by rule is only too soft by practice.
Shall I whisper to you the story of one or two of my
attachments? All terminating fatally (not in death,
but in disappointment, which, as it occurred, I used to
imagine a thousand times more bitter than death, but
from  which one recovers somehow more readily than
from the other-named complaint)-all, I say, terminating wretchedly to myself, as if some fatality pursued
my desire to become a domestic character.
My first love-no, let us pass that over.  Sweet one!
thy name shall profane no hireling page. Sweet, sweet
memory! Ah, ladies; those delicate hearts of yours
have too felt the throb; —and between that last ob in
the word throb and the words now written, I have
* He is five-and-forty if he is a day old.-O. Y.




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.           29
passed a delicious period of perhaps an hour, perhaps a
minute, I know not how long, thinking of that holy
first love and of her who inspired it. How clearly
every single incident of the passion is remembered by
me! and yet'twas long, long since; I was but a child
then-a child at school-and, if the truth must be told
L-ra R-ggl-s (I would not write her whole name to
be made one of the Marquess of IIertford's executors)
was a woman full thirteen years older than myself; at
the period of which I write, she must have been at least
five-and-twenty.  She and her mother used to sell tarts,
hard-bake, lollipops, and other such simple comestibles,
on Wednesdays and Saturdays (half-holidays) at a private school where I received the first rudiments of a
classical education.  I used to go and sit before her
tray for hours, but I do not think the poor girl ever
supposed any motive led me so constantly to her little
stall beyond a vulgar longing for her tarts and her ginger-beer. Yes, even at that early period my actions were
misrepresented, and the fatality which has oppressed my
whole life began to show itself, —the purest passion was
misinterpreted by her and my schoolfellows, and they
thought I was actuated by simple gluttony.  They
nicknamed me Alicompayne.
Well, be it so. Laugh at early passion ye who will;
a high-born boy madly in love with a lowly gingerbeer girl! She married afterwards, took the name of
Latter, and now keeps with her old husband a turnpike,
through which I often ride; but I can recollect her bright
and rosy of a sunny summer afternoon, her red cheeks
shaded by a battered straw bonnet, her tarts and ginger-beer upon a neat white cloth before her, mending




30           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
blue worsted stockings until the young  gentlemen
should interrupt her by coming to buy.
Many persons will call this description low; I do not
envy them their gentility, and have always observed
through life (as, to be sure, every other gentleman has
observed as well as myself) that it is your parvenu who
sticldes most for what he calls the genteel, and has the
most squeamish abhorrence for what is frank and natural.  Let us pass at once, however, as all the world
must be pleased, to a recital of an affair which occurred
in the very best circles of society as they are called, viz.,
my next unfortunate attachment.
It did not occur for several years after that simple
and platonic passion just described, for though they
may talk of youth as the season of romance, it has
always appeared to me that there are no beings in the
world so entirely unromantic and selfish as certain
young English gentlemen from  the age of fifteen to
twenty.  The oldest Lovelace about town is scarcely
more hard-hearted and scornful than they; they ape
all sorts of selfishness and rouerie; they aim at excelling at cricket, at billiards, at rowing, and drinking, and
set more store by a red coat and a neat pair of topboots than by any other glory. A  young fellow staggers into college-chapel of a morning, and communicates to all his friends that he was " so cut last night,"
with the greatest possible pride. He makes a joke of
having sisters and a kind mother at home who loves
him; and if he speaks of his father, it is with a knowing sneer to say that he has a tailor's and a horse-dealer's bill that will surprise "the old governor."  He
would be ashamed of being in love. I, in common




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.          81
with my kind, had these affectations, and my perpetual
custom of smoking added not a little to my reputation
as an accomplished roue. What came of this custom
in the army and at college, the reader has already
heard. Alas! in life it went no better with me, and
many pretty chances I had went off in that accursed
smoke.
After quitting the army in the abrupt manner stated,
I passed some short time at home, and was tolerated by
my mother-in-law, because I had formed an attachment
to a young lady of good connexions and with a considerable fortune, which was really very nearly becoming
mine. Mary M'Alister was the only daughter of Colonel M'Alister, late of the Blues, and Lady Susan his
wife. Her ladyship was no more; and, indeed, of no
family compared to ours (which has refused a peerage
any time these two hundred years), but being an earl's
daughter and a Scotch woman, Lady Emily Fitz-Boodle
did not fail to consider her highly. Lady Susan was
daughter of the late Admiral Earl of Marlingspike and
Baron Plumduff. The colonel, Miss M'Alister's father,
had a good estate, of which his daughter was the heiress, and as I fished her out of the water upon a pleasure-party, and swam with her to shore, we became
naturally intimate, and Colonel M'Alister forgot, on
account of the service rendered to him, the dreadful
reputation  for profligacy which  I enjoyed in the
county.
Well, to cut a long story short, which is told here
merely for the moral at the end of it, I should have
been Fitz-Boodle M'Alister at this minute most probably,
and master of four thousand a-year, but for the fatal




32           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
cigar-box' I bear Mary no malice in saying that she
was a high-spirited little girl, loving, before all things,
her own way; nay, perhaps, do not from long habit and
indulgence in tobacco-smoking appreciate the delicacy
of female organisations which were oftentimes most
painfully affected by it. She was a keen-sighted little
person, and soon found that the world had belied poor
George Fitz-Boodle, who, instead of being the cunning
monster people supposed him to be, was a simple, reckless, good-humoured, honest fellow, marvellously addicted to smoking, idleness, and telling the truth.  She
called me Orson, and I was happy enough on the 14th
February, in the year 18- (it's of no consequence), to
send her such a pretty little copy of verses about Orson
and Valentine, in which the rude habits of the savage
man were shown to be overcome by the polished graces
of his kind and brilliant conqueror, that she was fairly
overcome, and said to me, " George Fitz-Boodle, if you
give up smoking for a year I will marry you."
I swore I would, of course, and went home and flung
four pounds of Hudson's cigars, two meerschaum pipes
that had cost me ten guineas at the establishment of
Mr. Gattie at Oxford, a tobacco-bag that Lady FitzBoodle had given me before her marriage with my father
(it was the only present that I ever had from her or any
member of the Skinflinter family), and some choice
packets of Varinas and Syrian, into the lake in Boodle
Park.  The weapon amongst them all which I most
regretted was-will it be believed -the. little black
doodheen which had been the cause of the quarrel
between Lord Martingale and me. However, it went
along with the others.  I would not allow my groom




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.            33
to have so mtuch as a cigar, lest I should be tempted
hereafter; and the consequence was that a few days
after many fat carps and tenches in the lake (I must
confess'twas no bigger than a pond) nibbled at the
tobacco, and came floating on their backs on the top of
the water quite intoxicated. My conversion made some
noise in the county, being emphasised as it were by this
fact of the fish. I can't tell you with what pangs I
kept my resolution; but keep it I did for some time.
With so much beauty and wealth, Mary M'Alister
had of course many suitors, and among them was the
young Lord Dawdley, whose mamma has previously
been described in her gown of red satin. As I used to
thrash Dawdlev at school, I thrashed him  in after life
in love, and he put up with his disappointment pretty
well, and came after a while and shook hands with me,
telling me of the bets that there were in the county where
the whole story was known, for and against me. For
the fact is, as I must own, that Mary M'Alister, the
queerest, frankest of women, made no secret of the
agreement, or the cause of it.
" I did not care a penny for Orson," she said, " but
he would go on writing me such dear pretty verses that
at last I couldn't help saying yes.  But if he breaks his
promise to me, I declare, upon my honour, I'll break
mine, and nobody's heart will be broken either."
This was the perfect fact, as I must confess, and I
declare that it was only because she amused me and
delighted me, and provoked me and made me laugh
very much, and because, no doubt, she was very rich,
that I had any attachment for her.
"For Heaven's sake, George," my father said to me,
3*




34          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
as I quitted home to follow  my beloved to London,
"remember that you are a younger brother and have a
lovely girl and four thousand a-year within a year's
reach of you.  Smoke as much as you like, my boy,
after marriage," added the old gentleman, knowingly
(as if he, honest soul, after his second marriage, dared
drink an extra pint of wine without my lady's permission!) "but eschew the tobacco-shops till then."
I went to London resolving to act upon the paternal
advice, and oh! how I longed for the day when I should
be married, vowing in my secret soul that I would light
a cigar as I walked out of St. George's Hanover
Square.
Well, I came to London, and so carefully avoided
smoking that I would not even go into Hudson's shop
to pay his bill, and as smoking was not the fashion then
among young men as (thank Heaven!) it is now, I had
not many temptations from my friends' examples in my
clubs or elsewhere; only little Dawdley began to smoke
as if to spite me. He had never done so before, but
confessed-the rascal!-that he enjoyed a cigar now,
if it were but to mortify me. But I took to other and
more dangerous excitements, and upon the nights when
not in attendance upon Mary M'Alister, might be found
in very dangerous proximity to a polished mahogany
table, round which claret-bottles circulated a great deal
too often, or, worse still, to a table covered with green
cloth and ornamented with a couple of wax-candles and
a couple of packs of cards, and four gentlemen playing
the enticing game of whist. Likewise, I came to carry
a snuff-box, and to consume in secret huge quantities of
rappee.




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.             35
For ladies' society I waveven then disinclined, hating
and despising small-talk, and dancing, and hot routs,
and vulgar scrambles for suppers. I never could understand the pleasure of acting the part of lackey to a
dowager, and standing behind her chair, or bustling
through the crowd for her carriage.  I always found an
opera too long by two acts, and have repeatedly fallen
asleep in the presence of Mary M'Alister herself, sitting
at the back of the box shaded by the huge beret of her
old aunt, Lady Betty Plumduff; and many a time has
Dawdley, with Miss M'Alister on his arm, wakened me
up at the close of the entertainment in time to offer my
hand to Lady Betty, and lead the ladies to their carriage. If I attended her occasionally to any ball or
party of pleasure, I went, it must be confessed, with
clumsy, ill-disguised, ill-humour.  Good Heavens! have
I often and often thought in the midst of a song, or the
very thick of a ball-room, can people prefer this to a
book and a sofa, and a dear, dear cigar-box, from thy
stores, 0 charming Mariana Woodville! Deprived of
my favourite plant, I grew sick in mind and body,
moody, sarcastic, and discontented.
Such a state of things could not long continue, nor
could Miss M'Alister continue to have much attachment
for such a sullen, ill-conditioned creature as I then was.
She used to make me wild with her wit and her sarcasm, nor have I ever possessed the readiness to parry
or reply to those fine points of woman's wit, and she
treated me the more mercilessly as she saw that I could
not resist her.
Well; the polite reader must remember a great f6te
that was given at B -  House, some years back, in




36           FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
honour of his Highness the IIereditary Prince of Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel, who was then in London on a
visit to his illustrious relatives. It was a fancy ball,
and the poems of Scott being at that time all the
fashion, Mary was to appear in the character of the
"Lady of the Lake," old M'Alister making a very tall
and severe-looking harper; Dawdley, a most insignificant Fitzjames; and your humble servant a stalwart and
manly Roderick Dhu.  We were to meet at BHouse, at twelve o'clock, and as I had no fancy to
drive through the town in 1ny cab dressed in a kilt and
philibeg, I agreed to take a seat in Dawdley's carriage,
and to dress at his house in May Fair.  At eleven I
left a very pleasant bachelors' party, growling to quit
them  and the honest, jovial claret bottle, in order to
scrape and cut capers like a harlequin from the theatre.
When I arrived at Dawdley's, I mounted to a dressingroom, and began to array myself in my cursed costume.
The art of costuming was by no means so well
understood in those days as it has been since, and mine
was out of all correctness.  I was made to sport an
enormous plume of black ostrich feathers, such as never
was worn by any Iighland chief, and had a huge
tiger-skin sporran  to dangle like  an apron before
innumerable yards of plaid petticoat.  The Tartan
cloak was outrageously hot and voluminous: it was the
dog-days, and all these things I was condemned to
wear in the midst of a crowd of a thousand people!
Dawdley sent up word as I was dressing, that his
dress had not arrived, and he took my cab, and drove
off in a rage to his tailor.
There was no hurry, I thought, to make a fool of




FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.          37
myself; so having put on a pair of plaid trews, and
very neat pumps with shoe-buckles, my courage failed
me as to the rest of the dress, and taking down one of
his dressing-gowns, I went down-stairs to the study, to
wait until he should arrive.
The windows of the pretty room were open, and a
snug sofa, with innumerable cushions, drawn towards
one of them.  A great tranquil moon was staring into
the chamber, in which stood, amidst books and all sorts
of bachteors' lumber, a silver tray with a couple of tall
Venice glasses, and a bottle of Maraschino bound with
straw. I can see now the twinkle of the liquor in the
moonshine, as I poured it into the glass; and I swallowed two or three little cups of it, for my spirits were
downcast.  Close to the tray of Maraschino stoodmust I say it? —a box, a mere box of cedar, bound
rudely together with pink paper, branded with the name
of " HUDSON" on the side, and bearing on the cover
the arms of Spain. I thought I would just take up the
box, and look in it.
Ah, Heaven! there they were-a hundred and fifty
of them, in calm, comfortable rows, lovingly side by
side, they lay with the great moon shining down upon
them-thin at the tip, full in the waist, elegantly round
and full, a little spot here and there shining upon
them-beauty-spots upon the cheek of Silva.  The
house was quite quiet.  Dawdley always smoked in his
room;-I had not smoked for four months and eleven
days.
*        *        *.      *        *f
When Lord Dawdley came into the study, he did
not make any remarks; and, oh, how easy my heart




38           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
felt! He was dressed in his green and boots, after
Westall's picture, correctly.
"It's time to be off, George," said he;" they told
me you were dressed long ago.  Come up, my man,
and get ready."
I rushed up into the dressing-room, and madly
dashed my head and arms into a pool of eau de Cologne.  I drank, I believe, a tumbler-full of it.  I
called for my clothes, and, strange to say, tj&y were
gone.  My servant brought them, however, saying that
he had put them  awa —making some stupid excuse.
I put them on not heeding them  much, for I was half
tipsy with the excitement of the ci-, of the smo-,
of what had taken place in Dawdley's study, and with
the Maraschino and the eau de Cologne I had drunk.'"What a fine odour of lavender-water!" said Dawdley, as we rode in the carriage.
I put my head out of the window and shrieked out
a laugh; but made no other reply.
" What's the joke, George?" said Dawdley; "did I
say any thing witty?"
" No," cried I, yelling still more wildly;" nothing
more witty than usual."
"Don't be severe, George," said he, with a mortified
air; and we drove on to B   - House.
*'        e         -* *
There must have been something strange and wild
in my appearance, and these awful black plumes, as I
passed through the crowd; for I observed people looking and making a strange nasal noise (it is called
sniffing, and for which I have no other more delicate
term), and making way as I pushed on; but I moved




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.          39
forward very fiercely, for the wine, the Maraschino, the
eau de Cologne, and the-the excitement had rendered
me almost wild; and at length I arrived at the place
where my lovely Lady of the Lake and her Harper
stood. How beautiful she looked,-all eyes were upon
her as she stood blushing.  When she saw me, however, her countenance assumed an appearance of alarm.
" Good heavens, George!" she said, stretching her hand
to me; " what makes you look so wild and pale?"  I
advanced, and was going to take her hand, when she
dropped it with a scream.
"Ah-ah-ah!" she said; "Mr. Fitz-Boodle, you've
been smoking!"
There was an immense laugh from four hundred
people round about us, and the scoundrelly Dawdley
joined in the yell. I rushed furiously out, and as I
passed hurtled over the fat Hereditary Prince of
Kalbsbreton-Pumpernickel.
"Es nicht hier ungeheuer stark von Tabak!"  I
heard his highness say, as I madly flung myself through
the aides-de-camp.
The next day Mary M'Alister, in a note full of the
most odious good sense and sarcasm, reminded me of
our agreement; said that she was quite convinced that
we were not by any means fitted for one another, and
begged me to consider myself henceforth quite free.
The little wretch had the impertinence to send me a
dozen boxes of cigars, which, she said, would console
me for my lost love; as she was perfectly certain that I
was not mercenary, and that I loved tobacco better
than any woman in the world.
I believe she was right, though I have never to this




40            FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
day been able to pardon the scoundrelly stratagem by
which Dawdley robbed  me of a wife and won one
himself.  As I was lying on his sofa, looling at the
moon and lost in a thousand happy contemplations,
Lord Dawdlev, returning from  the tailor's, saw  me
smoking at my leisure.  On enterino his dressing-room,
a horrible treacherous thought struck him.  "I must
not betray my friend," said he; " but in love all is fair,
and he shall betray himself."  There were my tartans,
my cursed feathers, my tiger-skin sporran, upon the
sofa.
He called up my groom; he made the rascal put on
all my clothes, and, giving him  a guinea and four
cigars, bade him lock himself into the little pantry and
smoke them without taking the clothes qoj~  John did
so, and was very ill in consequence, and so when I came
to B   -  House, my clothes were redolent of tobacco,
and I lost lovely Mary M'Alister.
I am godfather to one of Lady Dawdlev's boys, and
hers is the only house where I am  allowed to smoke
unmolested; but I have never been able to admire
Dawdley, a sly sournois, spiritless, lily-livered fellow,
that took his name off all his clubs the year he married.
I am sick of this squeamish English world," said I,
in bitter scorn, as I sat in my lonely lodgings smoking
Mary M'Alister's cigars:  a curse upon their affectations of propriety and silly obedience to the dictates of
whimpering woman  I will away to  some other
country where thought is free, and honest men have
their way.  I will have no more of your rose-water
passion, or cringing drawing-room tenderness. Pshaw 
is George Fitz-Boodle to be bound up in the scented




NITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.           41
ringlets of a woman, or made to fetch and carry her
reticule?  No, I will go where woman shall obey and
not command me.  I will be a Sheikh, and my wife
shall cook:my couscous, and dance before me, and
light my narghil6.  I will be a painted savage'spearing
the fish, and striking the deer, and my wife shall sing
my great actions to me as I smoke my calumet in my
lodge.  Away! land of dowagers and milk-sops, FitzBoodle disowns you; he will wander to some other
clime, awhere man is respected, and woman takes her
propei'iak in the creation, as the pretty smiling slave
she would be."
I. received at this time, in an abrupt enclosure from
my father, 1201., being a quarter's income, and a polite
intimation from  Lady Fitz-Boodle, that as I had disappointed every one of my parents' expectations (she
my parent! faugh!), I must never look to the slightest
pecuniary aid from  them. Such a sum  would not
enable me to travel across the Atlantic or to the shores
of the Red Sea, as was my first intention; I determined,
therefore, to visit a country where, if woman was still
too foolishly worshipped, at least smoking was tolerated, and took my departure at the Tower Stairs for
Rotterdam and the Rhine.
There were no incidents of the voyage worth recountmg, nor am I so absurd as to attempt to give the
reader an account of Holland or any other country.
This memoir is purely personal: and relates rather to
what I suffered than to what I saw. Not a word then
about Cologne and the eleven thousand British virgins,
whom a storm drove into that port, and who were condemned, as I am  pleased to think, to a most merited




42            FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
death.  Ah, Mary M'Alister! in my rage and fury I
wished that there had been eleven thousand and one
spinsters so destroyed.  Ah! Minna Lwve, Jewess as
thou wert, thou meritedst no better a fate than that
which overtook those Christian damsels.
Minna  Lowe was the daughter of Moses Lowe,
banker at Bonn.  I passed through the town last year,
fifteen years after the event I am  about to relate, and
heard that Moses was imprisoned for forgery and fraudulent bankruptcy.  IIe merited the punishment which
the merciful Prussian law inflicted on him.
Minna was the most beautiful creature that my eyes
ever lighted  on.  Sneer not, ye Christian maidens;
but the fact was so.  I saw her for the first time seated
at a window  covered with  golden vine-leaves, with
grapes just turning to purple, and tendrils twisting in
the most fantastical arabesques.  The leaves cast a
pretty chequered shadow over her sweet face, and the
simple, thin, white muslin gown in which she was
dressed.  She had bare white arms, and a blue riband
confined  her little waist.  She was knitting, as all
German women do, whether of the Jewish sort or
otherwise; and in the shadow  of the room  sat her
sister Emma, a powerful woman with a powerful voice.
Emma was at the piano, singing, "Hlerz mein herz
warum so trau-au-rig, "-  sningi  much out of tune.
I had come to change one of Coutts's circulars at
Lowe's bank, and was looking for the door of the
caisse.
"LinaJs, mein herr!" said Minna L6we, making the
gentlest inclination with her pretty little head; and
blushing ever so little, and raising up tenderly a pair




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.          43
of heavy blue eyes, and then dropping them  again,
overcome by the sight of the stranger.   And no
wonder, I was a sight worth contemplating then,-I
had golden hair which fell gracefully over my shoulders,
and a slim waist (where are you now, slim  waist and
golden hair?), and a pair of brown mustachies that
curled gracefully under a firm Roman nose, and a tuft
to my chin that could not but vanquish any woman.
"Links, mein herr," said lovely Minna Lowe.
That little word links dropped upon my wounded
soul like balm.  There is nothing in links; it is not a
pretty word.  Minna Lowe simply told me to turn to
the left, when I was debating between that side and its
opposite, in order to find the cash-room door. Any
other person might have said links (or rechts for that
matter), and would not have made the slightest impression upon me; but Minna's full red lips, as they let
slip the monosyllable, wore a smile so tender, and uttered it with such inconceivable sweetness, that I was
overcome at once. "Sweet bell!" I could have said,
"tinkle that dulcet note for ever,-links, chinks, linx! I
love the chime.  It soothes and blesses me."  All this
I could have said, and much more, had I had my
senses about me, and had I been a proficienlt in the
German language; but I could not speak, both fiom
ignorance and emotion. I blushed, stuttered, took off
my cap, made an immensely foolish bow, and. began
forthwith fumbling at the door-handle.
The reason why I have introduced the name of this
siren is to shew that if tobacco in a former unlucky
instance has proved my enemy, in the present case it
was my firmest friend. I, the descendant of the Nor



44           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
man Fitz-Boodle, the relative of kings and emperors,
miglt, but for tobacco, have married the daughter of
IMoes LOwe, the Jew forger and convict of IBonn.  I
would have done it; for I hold the man a slave who
calculates in love, and who thinks about prudence when
his heart is in question.  Men marry their cook-maids,
and the world looks down upon them.  Ne sit ancillce
amor pudori! I exclaimed with a notorious poet, if you
heartily and entirely love your cook-maid, you are a
fool and a coward not to wed her.  What more can
you want than to have your heart filled up?  Can a
duchess do more?  You talk of tlhe difference of rank
and the decencies of society.  Away, sir! love is divine,
and knows not your paltry, worldly calculations.  It is
not love you worship, 0 heartless, silly calculator! it is
the interest of thirty thousand pounds in the three per
cents, and the blessing of a genteel mother-in-law in
Harley Street, and the ineffable joy of snug dinners,
and a butler behind your chair.  Fool! love is eternal,
butlers and mothers-in-law are perishable: you have
but the enjoyment of your three per cents for forty
years: and theyn, what do they avail you?  But if you
believe that she whom  you choose, and to whom  your
heart clings, is to be your soul's companion, not now
merely, but for ever and ever; then what a paltry item
of money or time has deterred you from your happiness,
what a miserable penny-wise economist you have been!
And here, if, as a man of the world, I might be
allowed to give advice to fathers and mothers of
families, it would be this: young men fall in love with
people of a lower rank, and they are not strong enough to
resist the dread of disinheritance, or of the world's




FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.           45
scorn, or of the cursed tyrant gentility, and dare not
marry the woman they love above all.  But if prudence
is strong, passion is strong too, and principle is not, and
women (Heaven keep them!) are weak. We all know
what happens then.  Prudent papas and mammas say,
" George will sow his wild oats soon, he will be tired of
that odious woman one day, and we'll get a good
marriage for him: meanwhile it is best to hush the
matter up and pretend to know nothing about it."
But suppose George does the only honest thing in his
power, and marries the woman he loves above all;
then what a cry you have from parents and guardians,
what shrieks from aunts and sisters, what excommunications and disinheriting! " What a weak fool George
is 1" say his male friends in the clubs; and no hand of
sympathy is held out to poor lrs. George, who is
never forgiven, but shunned like a plague, and sneered
at by a relentless pharisaical world until death sets her
free.  As long as she is unmarried, avoid her if you
will; but as soon as she is married, go! be kind to her,
and comfort her, and pardon and forget, if you can!
And lest some charitable people should declare that I
am setting up here an apology for vice, let me here, and
by way of precaution, flatly contradict them, and declare
that I only would offer a plea for marriage.
But where has Minna Lowe been left during this
page of disquisition? Blushing under the vine-leaves
positively, whilst I was thanking my stars that she
never became Mrs. George Fitz-Boodle.  And yet who
knows what thou mightst have become, Minna, had
such a lot fallen to thee?  She was too pretty and
innocent-looking to have been by nature that artful,




46           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
intriguing huzzy that education made her, and that my
experience found her. The case was simply this, not
a romantical one by any means.
e     *     *     *     *     *      *     *
At this very juncture, perhaps, it will be as well to
pause, and leave the world to wait for a month until it
learns the result of the loves of Minna Lowe and
George Fitz-Boodle.  I have other tales still more interesting in store; and though I have never written a
line until now, I doubt not before long to have excited
such a vast sympathy in my favour, that I shall become
as popular as the oldest (I mean the handsomest and
most popular) literary characters of this or any other
age or country. Artists and print-publishers, desirous
of taking my portrait, may as well, therefore, begin sending in their proposals to Mr. Nickisson; nor shall I so
much look to a high remuneration for sitting (egad! it
is a frightful operation), as to a clever and skilful
painter, who must likewise be a decently bred and
companionable person.
Nor is it merely upon matters relating to myself (for
egotism I hate, and the reader will remark that there is
scarcely a single "I" in the foregoing pages) that I
propose to speak.  Next month, for instance (besides
the continuation of my own and other people's memoirs),
I shall acquaint the public with a discovery which is
intensely interesting to all fathers of families: I have in
my eye three new professions which a gentleman may
follow with credit and profit, which are to this day
unknown, and which, in the present difficult times,
cannot fail to be eagerly seized upon.




FITZ-BOODLEIS CONFESSIONS.              47
Before submitting them to public competition, I will
treat privately with parents and guardians, or with
young men of good education and address; such only
will suit.                              G. S. F. B.




48          FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
PROFESSIONS BY GEORGE FITZ-BOODLE.
BEING APPEALS TO THE UNEMPLOYED YOUNGER SONS
OF TIE NOBILITY.
FIRST  PROFESSION.
THE fair and honest proposition which I put forth at
the end of my last (and first) appeal to the British public, and in which I offered to communicate privately
with parents and guardians relative to three new and
lucrative professions which I had discovered, has, I
find from the publisher, elicited not one single inquiry
from those personages, who I can't but think are very
little careful of their children's welfare to allow such a
chance to be thrown away. It is not for myself I
speak, as my conscience proudly tells me; for though
I actually gave up Ascot in order to be in the way
should any father of a family be inclined to treat with
me regarding my discoveries, yet I am grieved, not on
my own account, but on theirs, and for the wretched
penny-wise policy that has held them back.
That they must feel an interest in my announcement
is unquestionable. Look at the way in which the public prints of all parties have noticed my appearance in
the character of a literary man! Putting aside my per



FITZ-BOODLE'S.PROFESSIONS.         49
sonal narrative, look at the offer I made to the nation,
-a choice of no less than three new professions!  Suppose I had invented as many new kinds of butcher's
meat; does any one pretend that the world, tired as it
is of the perpetual recurrence of beef, mutton, veal, cold
beef, cold veal, cold mutton, hashed ditto, would not
have jumped eagerly at the delighful intelligence that
their old, stale, stupid meals were about to be varied at
last?
Of course people would have come forward.  I should
have had deputations from Mr. Gibletts and the fashionable butchers of this world; petitions would have poured
in from Whitechapel salesmen; the speculators panting
to know the discovery; the cautious with stock in hand
eager to bribe me to silence and prevent the certain depreciation of the goods which they already possessed.
I should have dealt with them, not greedily or rapaciously, but on honest principles of fair barter. " Gentlemen," I should have said, or rather, "Gents," which
affectionate diminutive is, I am given to understand, at
present much in use among commercial persons, " Gents,
my researches, my genius, or my good fortune, have
brought me to the valuable discovery about which you
are come to treat.  Will you purchase it outright, or
will you give the discoverer an honest share of the profits resulting from your speculation? My position in
the world puts me out of the power of executing the
vast plan I have formed, but'twill be a certain fortune
to him who engages in it; and why should not I, too,
participate in that fortune?"
Such would have been my manner of dealing with
the world, too, with regard to my discovery of the new
3




50          FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.
professions. Does not the world want new professions?
Are there not thousands of well-educated men panting,
struggling, pushing, starving, in the old ones?  Grim
tenants of chambers looking out for attorneys who
never come?-wretched physicians practising the stale
joke of being called out of church until people no
longer think fit even to laugh or to pity? Are there
not hoary-headed midshipmen, antique ensigns growing
mouldy upon fifty years' half-pay? Nay, are there not
men who would pay any thing to be employed rather
than remain idle? But such is the glut of professionals,
the horrible cut-throat competition among them, that
there is no chance for one in a thousand, be he ever so
willing, or brave, or clever: in the great ocean of life
he makes a few strokes, and puffs, and sputters, and
sinks, and the innumerable waves overwhelm him and
he is heard of no more.
Walking to my banker's t'other day-and I pledge
my sacred honour this story is true-I met a young fellow whom I had known attachie to an embassy abroad,
a young man of tolerable parts, unwearied patience,
with some fortune, too, and, moreover, allied to a noble
Whig family, whose interest had procured him his appointment to the legation at Krahwinkel, where I
knew him. He remained for ten years a diplomatic
character; he was the working-man of the legation: he
sent over the most diffuse translations of the German
papers for the use of the Foreign Secretary; he signed
passports with most astonishing ardour; he exiled himself for ten long years in a wretched German town,
dancing Atendance at court-balls and paying no end of
money for uniforms. And for what? At the end of




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.          51
the ten years-during which period of labour he never
received a single shilling from the government which
employed him  (rascally spendthrifts of a government,
va!),-he was offered the. paid attacheship to the court
of H. M. the king of the Mosquito Islands, and refused
that appointment a week before the Whig ministry
retired. Then he knew  that there was no further
chance for him, and incontinently quitted the diplomatic
service for ever, and I have no doubt will sell his uniform a bargain. The government had him, a bargain
certainly, nor is he by any means the first person who
has been sold at that price.
Well, my worthy friend met me in the street and
informed me of these facts with a smiling countenance,
-which I thought a master-piece of diplomacy. Fortune had been belabouring and kicking him  for ten
whole years, and here he was grinning in my face:
could Monsieur de Talleyrand have acted better?  "I
have given up diplomacy," said Protocol, quite simply
and good-humouredly, " for between you and me, my
good fellow, it's a very slow profession; sure perhaps,
but slow. But though I gained no actual pecuniary
remuneration in the service, I have learned all the
languages in Europe, which will be invaluable to me in
my new  profession-the mercantile  one-in which
directly I looked out for a post. I found one."
"What! and a good pay?" said I.
"Why, no; that's absurd, you know.  No young
men, strangers to business, are paid much to speak of.
Besides, I don't look to a paltry clerk's pay. Some
day, when thoroughly acquainted with the business (I
shall learn it in about seven years), I shall go into a




52          FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.
good house with my capital and become junior partner."
"And meanwhile?"
" Meanwhile I conduct the foreign correspondence of
the eminent house of Jam, Ram, and Johnson; and
very heavy it is, I can tell you.  From  nine till six
every day, except foreign post days, and then from nine
till eleven; dirty dark court to sit; snobs to talk to,great change, as you may fancy."
" And you do all this for nothing?"
" I do it to learn the business;" and so saying Protocol gave me a knowing nod and went his way.
Good Heavens! I thought, and is this a true story?
Are there hundreds of young men in a similar situation
at the present day, giving away the best years of their
youth for the sake of a mere windy hope of something
in old age, and dying before they come to the goal?
In seven years he hopes to have a business, and then
to have the pleasure of risking his money? He will be
admitted into some great house as a particular favour,
and three months after the house will fail. Has it not
happened to a thousand of our acquaintance?  I
thought I would run after him and tell him  about the
new professions that I have invented.
"Oh! ay! those you wrote about in Fraser's Magazine. Egad! George, Necessity makes strange fellows
of us all. Who would ever have thought of you spelling, much more writing?"
"Never mind that.  Will you, if I tell you of a new
profession, that with a little cleverness and instruction,from me, you may bring to a most successful end-will
you, I say, make me a fair return 8"




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.         53
"My dear creature," replied young Protocol, " what
nonsense you talk! I saw that very humbug in the
Magazine. You say you have made a great discovery
-very good; you puff your discovery-very right;
you ask money for it-nothing can be more reasonable 
and then you say that you intend to make your discovery public in the next number of the Magazine.
Do you think I will be such a fool as to give you money for a thing which I can have next month for
nothing?  Good-by, George my boy; the next discovery you make I'll tell you how to get a better price
for it;" and with this the fellow walked off, looking
supremely knowing and clever.
This tale of the person I have called Protocol is not
told without a purpose, you may be sure. In the first
place, it shews what are the reasons that nobody has
made application to me concerning the new professions,
namely, because I have passed my word to make them
known in this Magazine, which persons may have for
the purchasing, stealing, borrowing, or hiring, and,
therefore, they will never think of applying personally
to me. And, secondly, his story proves also my assertion, viz. that all professions are most cruelly crowded
at present, and that men will make the most absurd
outlay and sacrifices for the smallest chance of success
at some future period. Well, then, I will be a benefactor to my race, if I cannot be to one single member
of it, whom I love better than most men. What I
have discovered I will make known; there shall be no
shilly-shallying work here, no circumlocution, no bottleconjuring business. But oh! I wish for all our sakes




54           FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
that I had had an opportunity to impart the secret to
one or two persons only; for, after all, but one or
two cal live in the manner I would suggest.  And
when the discovery is made known, I am sure ten thousand will try. The rascals! I can see their brass plates
gleaming over scores of doors. Competition will ruin
my professions, as it has all others.
It must be premised that the two first professions are
intended for gentlemen, and gentlemen only-men of
birth and education. No others could support the parts
which they will be called upon to play.
And, likewise, it must be honestly confessed that
these professions have, to a certain degree, been exercised before. Do not cry out at this and say it is no
discovery! I say it is a discovery. It is a discovery,
if I shew you-a gentleman-a profession which you
may exercise without derogation or loss of standing,
with certain profit, nay, possibly with honour, and of
which until the reading of this present page, you never
thought but as of a calling beneath your rank and
quite below your reach.  Sir, I do not mean to say
that I create a profession. I cannot create gold; but
it; when discovered, I find the means of putting it in
your pocket, do I or do I not deserve credit?
I see you sneer contemptuously when I mention to
you the word AUCTIONEER.  "Is this all," you say,
" that this fellow brags and prates about? An auctioneer forsooth! he might as well have'invented'
chimney-sweeping."
No such thing.  A little boy of seven, be he ever so
low of birth, can do this as well as you. Do you suppose that little stolen Master Montague made a better




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.           55
sweeper than the lowest-bred chummy that yearly commemorates his release?  No, sir. And he might have
been ever so much a genius or a gentleman, and not
have been able to make his trade respectable.
But all such trades as can be rendered decent the
aristocracy has adopted one by one. At first they followed their profession of arms, flouting all others as
unworthy, and thinking it ungentlemanlike to know
how to read or write. They did not go into the church
in very early days till the money to be got from  the
church was strong enough to tempt them. It is but of
later years that they have condescended to go to the
bar, and since the same time only that we see some
of them following trades. I know an English lord's
son who is, or was, a wine-merchant (he may have been
a bankrupt for what I know).  As for bankers, several
partners in banking-houses have four balls to their coronets, and I have no doubt that another sort of banking,
viz. that practised by gentlemen who lend small sums
of money upon deposited securities, will be one day
followed by the noble order, so that they may have
four balls on their coronets and carriages, and three in
front of their shops.
Yes, the nobles come peoplewards as the people, on
the other hand, rise and mingle with the nobles. With
the plebs, of course, Fitz-Boodle, in whose veins flows
the blood of a thousand kings, can have nothing to do;
but, watching the progress of the world,'tis impossible
to deny that the good old days for our race are passed
away.  We want money still as much as ever we did;
but we cannot go down from our castles with horse and
sword and waylay fat merchants —no, no, confounded




56           PITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
new  policemen and the  assize-courts prevent that.
Younger brothers cannot be pages to noble houses, as
of old they were, serving gentle dames without disgrace,
handing my lord's rose-water to wash, or holding his
stirrup as he mounted for the chase. A page, forsooth!
A pretty figure would George Fitz-Boodle, or any other
man of fashion cut, in a jacket covered with sugarloafed buttons and handing in penny-post notes on a
silver tray.  The plebs have robbed us of that trade
among others, nor, I confess, do I much grudge them
their trouvaille. Neither can we collect together a few
scores of free lances, like honest Hugh Calverly in the
Black Prince's time, or brave Harry Butler of Wallenstein's dragoons, and serve this or that prince, Peter
the Cruel or Henry of Trastamare, Gustavus or the
Emperor, at our leisure; or, in default of service, fight
and rob on our own gallant account, as the good gentlemen of old did.  Alas! no.  In South America or
Texas, perhaps, a man might have a chance that way;
but in the ancient world no man can fight except in
the king's service (and a mighty bad service that is
too), and the lowest European sovereign, were it Baldomero Espartero himself, would think nothing of seizing
the best born Condottiere chief that ever drew sword
and shooting him down like the vulgarest deserter.
What, then, is to be done?  We must discover fresh
fields of enterprise-of peaceable and commercial enterprise in a peaceful and commercial age. I say, then,
that the auctioneer's pulpit has never yet been ascended
by a scion of the aristocracy, and am prepared to prove
that they might scale it, and do so with dignity and
profit.




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.            57
For the auctioneer's pulpit is just the peculiar place
where a man of social refinement, of elegant wit, of:polite perceptions, can bring his wit, his eloquence, his
taste, and his experience of life, most delightfully into
play.  It is not like the bar, where the better and
higher qualities of a man of fashion find no room  for:exercise. In defending John Jorrocks in an action of
trespass, for cutting down a stick in Sam Snooks's field,
what powers of mind do you require?-powers of
mind, that is, which Mr. Serjeant Snorter, a butcher's
son with a great loud voice, a sizer at Cambridge, a
wrangler, and so forth, does not possess as well as yourself? Snorter has never been in decent society in his
life.  He thinks the bar-mess the most fashionable
assemblage in Europe, and the jokes of " grand day"
-the ne plus ultra of wit.  Snorter lives near Russell
Square, eats beef and Yorkshire-pudding, is a judge of
port-wine, is in all social respects your inferior. Well,
it is ten to one but in the case of Snooks v. Jorrocks,
before mentioned, he will be a better advocate than
you; he knows the law of the case entirely, and better
probably than you.  He can speak long, loud, to the
point, grammatically-more grammatically than you,
no doubt, will condescend to do. In the case of Snooks
v. Jorrocks he is all that can be desired. And so about
dry disputes, respecting real property, he knows the
law; and, beyond this, has no more need to be a gentleman than my body-servant has-who, by the way,
from constant intercourse with the best society, is almost
a gentleman.  But this is apart from the question.
Now, in the matter of auctioneering, this, I appreind, is not the case, and ~assrtt ithat a high-bred gen3*




58          FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
tieman, with good powers of mind and speech, must, in
such a profession, make a fortune. I do not mean in
all auctioneering matters. I do not mean that such a
person should be called upon to sell the good-will of a
public-house, or discourse about the value of the beerbarrels, or bar with pewter fittings, or the beauty of a
trade doing a stroke of so many hogsheads a week. I
do not ask a gentleman to go down and sell pigs,
ploughs, and cart-horses, at Stoke Pogis; or to enlarge
at the Auction Rooms, Wapping, upon the beauty of
the Lively Sally, schooner. These articles of commerce
or use can be better appreciated by persons in a different rank of life to his.
But there are a thousand cases in which a gentleman
only can do justice to the sale of objects which the
necessity or convenience of the genteel world may require to change hands. All articles, properly called, of
taste should be put under his charge. Pictures,-he is
a travelled man, has seen and judged the best galleries
of Europe, and can speak of them as a common person
cannot. For, mark you, you must have the confidence
of your society, you must be able to be familiar with
them, to plant a happy mot in a graceful manner, to
appeal to my lord or the duchess in such a modest,
easy, pleasant way as that her grace should not be hurt
by your allusion to her-nay, amused (like the rest of
the company) by the manner in which it was done.
What is more disgusting than the familiarity of a
snob?  What more loathsome than the swaggering
quackery of some present holders of the hammer?
There was a late sale, for instance, which made some
noise in the world (I mean the late Lord Gimcrack's




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.          59
at Dilberry Hill).  Ah! what an opportunity was lost
there! I declare solemnly that I believe, but for the
absurd quackery and braggadocio of the advertisements, much more money would have been bid; people were kept away by the vulgar trumpeting of the
auctioneer, and could not help thinking the things were
worthless that were so outrageously lauded.
They say that sort of Bartholomew-fair advocacy (in
which people are invited to an entertainment by the
medium  of a hoarse yelling beef-eater, twenty-four
drums, and a jack-pudding turning head over heels) is
absolutely necessary to excite the public attention.
What an error! I say that the refined individual so
accosted is more likely to close his ears, and, shuddering,
run away from the booth.  Poor Horace Waddlepoodle! to think that thy gentle accumulation of bricabrac
shbuld have passed away in such a manner! by means
of a man who brings down a butterfly with a blunderbuss, and talks of a pin's head through a speaking
trumpet!  Why, the  auctioneer's  very  voice was
enough to crack the Sevres porcelain and blow the lace
into annihilation. Let it be remembered that I speak
of the gentleman in his public character merely, meaning to insinuate nothing more than I would by stating
that Lord Brougham speaks with a northern accent, or
that the voice of Mr. Shell is sometimes unpleasantly
shrill.
Now the character I have formed to myself of a
great auctioneer is this.  I fancy him  a man of firstrate and irreproachable birth and fashion.  I fancy his
person so agreeable that it must be a pleasure for ladies
to behold and tailors to dress it. As a private man he




60           FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
must move in the very best society, which will flock
round his pulpit when he mounts it in his public calling. It will be a privilege for vulgar people to attend
the hall where he lectures; and they will consider it an
honour to be allowed to pay their money for articles,
the value of which is stamped by his high recommendation. Nor can such a person be a mere fribble, or any
loose hanger-on of fashion imagine he may assume the
character.   The gentleman-auctioneer must be  an
artist above all, adoring his profession; and adoring it,
what must he not know?  He must have a good know]edge of the history and language of all nations; not
the knowledge of the mere critical scholar, but of the
lively and elegant man of the world. He will not commit the gross blunders of pronunciation that untravelled
Englishmen perpetrate; he will not degrade his subject
by coarse eulogy, or sicken his audience with vulgar
banter.  He will know where to apply praise and wit
properly; he will have the tact only acquired in good
society, and know where a joke is in place, and how
far a compliment may go.  He will not outrageously
and indiscriminately laud all objects committed to his
charge, for he knows the value of praise; that diamonds, could we have them  by the bushel, would be
used as coals; that, above all, he has a character of
sincerity to support; that he is not merely the advocate of the person who employs him, but that the public is his client too, who honours him  and confides in
him.  Ask him to sell a copy of Raffaelle for an origihal; a trumpery modern Brussels counterfeit for real
old Mechlin; some common French forged crockery
for the old delightful, delicate, Dresden china, and he




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.          61
will quit you with scorn, or order his servant to shew
you the door of his study.
Study, by the way,-no, " study" is a vulgar word;
every word is vulgar which a man uses to give the
world an exaggerated notion of himself or his condition.  When the wretched bagman, brought up to give
evidence before Judge Coltman, was asked what his
trade was, annd replied that "he represented the house
of Dobson and Hobson," he shewed himself to be a
vulgar, mean-souled wretch, and was most properly
reprimanded by his lordship. To be a bagman is to be
humble, but not of necessity vulgar. Pomposity is vulgar, to ape a higher rank than your own is vulgar, for
an ensign of militia to call himself captain is vulgar, or
for a bagman to style himself the " representative " of
Dobson and Hobson.  The honest auctioneer, then,
will not call his room  his study; but his "private
room," or his office, or whatever may be the phrase
commonly used among auctioneers.
He will not for the same reason call himself (as once
in a momentary feeling of pride and enthusiasm for the
profession I thought he should)-he will not call himself " an advocate," but an auctioneer.  There is no
need to attempt to awe people by big titles, let each
man bear his own name without shame.  And a very
gentlemanlike and agreeable, though exceptional position (for it is clear that there cannot be more than two
of the class), may the auctioneer occupy.
He must not sacrifice his honesty, then, either for his
own sake or his clients' in any way, nor tell fibs about
himself or them.  He is by no means called upon to
draw the long bow iii their behalf; all that his office




62           FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
obliges him to do-and let us hope his disposition will
lead him to do it also-is to take a favourable, kindly,
philanthropic view of the world; to say what can fairly
be said by a good-natured and ingenious man in praise
of any article for which he is desirous to awaken public sympathy.  And how readily and pleasantly may
this be done! I will take upon myself, for instance, to
write an eulogium upon So-and-so's last novel, which
shall be every word of it true; and which work, though
to some discontented spirits it might appear dull, may
be shewn to be really amusing and instructive,-nay, is
amusing and instructive to those who have the art of
discovering where those precious qualities lie.
An auctioneer should have the organ of truth large;
of imagination and comparison, considerable; of wit,
great; of benevolence excessively large.
And how happy might such a man be and cause
others to be!  He should go through the world laughing, merry, observant, kind-hearted.  He should love
everything in the world, because his profession regards
everything.  With books of lighter literature (for I do
not recommend the genteel auctioneer to meddle with
heavy antiquarian and philological works) he should be
elegantly conversant, being able to give a neat history
of the author, a pretty sparkling kind criticism of the
work, and an appropriate eulogium  upon the binding,
which would make those people read who never read
before; or buy, at least, which is his first consideration.
Of pictures we have already spoken.  Of china, of
jewellery, of gold-headed canes, valuable arms, picturesque antiquities, with what eloquent entraMnement
might he not speak!  He feels every one of these




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.           63
things in his heart.  He has all the tastes of all the
fashionable world.  Dr. Meyrick cannot be more enthusiastic about an old suit of armour than he; Sir Harris
Nicolas not more eloquent regarding the gallant times
in which it was worn, and the brave histories connected
with it.  He takes up a pearl necklace with as much
delight as any beauty who was sighing to wear it round
her own snowy throat, and hugs a china monster with
as much joy as the oldest duchess could do.  Nor must
he affect these things; he must feel them.  He is a
glass in which all the tastes of fashion are reflected.
He must be every one of the characters to whom he
addresses himself-a genteel Goethe or Shakespeare,
a fashionable world-spirit.
How can a man be all this and not be a gentleman;
and not have had an education in the midst of the best
company-an insight into their most delicate feelings,
and wants, and usages?  The pulpit oratory oC such a
man would be invaluable, people would flock to listen
to him from far and near.  He might out of a single
tea-cup cause streams of world-philosophy to flow,
which would be drunk in by grateful thousands; and
draw out of an old pincushion points of wit, morals,
and experience, that would make a nation wise.
Look round, examine THE ANNALS OF AUCTIONS, as
Mr. Robins remarks, and (with every respect for him
and his brethren) say, is there in the profession SUCH A
MAN? Do we want such a man?  Is such a man likely
or not likely to make an immense fortune? Can we
get such a man except out of the very best society, and
among the most favoured there?
Every body answers "No!"  I knew  you would




64          FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.
answer no. And now, gentlemen who have laughed at
my pretension to discover a profession, say, have I not?
I have laid my finger upon the spot where the social
deficit exists. I have shown that we labour under a
want; and when the world wants, do we not know that
A MAN WILL STEP FORTH to fill the vacant space that
Fate has left for him? Pass we now to the
SECOND PROFESSION.
This profession, too, is a great, lofty, and exceptional
one, and discovered by me considering these things, and
deeply musing upon the necessities of society. Nor let
honourable gentlemen imagine that I am enabled to
offer them in this profession, more than any other, a
promise of what is called future glory, deathless fame,
and so forth. All that I say is, that I can put young
men in the way of making a comfortable livelihood, and
leaving behind them, not a name, but, what is better, a
decent maintenance to their children. Fitz-Boodle is as
good a name as any in England. General Fitz-Boodle,
who, in Marlborough's time, and in conjunction with the
famous Van Slaap, beat the French in the famous action
of Vischzouchee, near Mardyk, in Holland, on the 14th
of February, 1709, is promised an immortality upon
his tomb in Westminster Abbey; but he died of apoplexy, deucedly in debt, two years afterwards: and
what after that is the use of a name?
No, no; the age of chivalry is passed. Take the
twenty-four first men who come into the club, and ask,who they are, and how  they. made their money?




FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.            65
There's Woolsey-Sackville, his father was lord-chancellor, and sat on the woolsack, whence he took his title;
his grandfather dealt in coal-sacks, and not in woolsacks,-smnall coal-sacks, dribbling out little supplies of.
black diamonds to the poor.  Yonder comes Frank
Leveson, in a huge broad-brimmed hat, his short cuffs
turned up to his elbows. Leveson is as gentlemanly a
fellow as the world contains, and if he has a fault, is
perhaps too finikin.  Well, you fancy him related to
the Sutherland family: nor, indeed, does honest Frank
deny it; but, entre nous, my good sir, his father was an
attorney, and his grandfather a bailiff in Chancery Lane,
bearing a name still older than that of Leveson, namely,
Levy.  So it is that this confounded equality grows and
grows, and has laid the good old nobility by the heels.
Look at that venerable Sir Charles Kitely, of Kitely
Park; he is interested about the Ashantees, and has.
just come from Exeter Hall.  Kitely discounted bills in
the City in the year 1787, and gained his baronetcy by
a loan to the French princes. All these points of history are perfectly well known; and do you fancy the
world cares? Psha! Profession is no disgrace to a man;
be what you like, provided you succeed. If Mr. Fauntleroy could come to life with a million of money, you
and I would dine with him; you know we would: for
why should we be better than our neighbours?
Put, then, out of your head the idea that this or that
profession is unworthy of you: take any that may bring
you profit, and thank him that puts you in the way of
being rich.
The profession I would urge (upon a person duly
qualified to undertake it) has, I confess, at the first




66           FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
glance, something ridiculous about it; and will not
appear to young ladies so romantic as the calling of a
gallant soldier blazing with glory, gold lace, and vermilion coats; or a dear delightful clergyman, with a
sweet blue eye, and a pocket handkerchief scented charmingly with lavender-water.  The profession I allude to
will, I own, be to young women disagreeable, to sober
men trivial, to great, stupid moralists unworthy.
But mark my words for it, that in the religious world
(I have once or twice, by mistake no doubt, had the
honour of dining in " serious " houses, and can vouch
for the fact, that the dinners there are of excellent
quality), in the serious world, in the great mercantile
world, among the legal community (notorious feeders),
in every house in town (except some half-a-dozen which
can afford to do without such aid), the man I propose
might speedily render himself indispensable.
Does the reader now begin to take?  Have I hinted
enough for him that he may see with eagle glance the
immense beauty of the profession I am about to unfold
to him?  We have all seen Gunter and Chevet; Fregoso, on the Puerta del Sol (a relation of the ex-minister Calomarde), is a good purveyor enough for the
benighted olla-eaters of Madrid; nor have I any fault
to find with Guimard, a Frenchman, who has lately
set up on the Piazza d'Espagna, at Naples, where he
furnishes people with decent food.  It has  given
me pleasure, too, in walking about London-in the
Strand, in Oxford Street, and elsewhere, to see fournisseurs and comestible merchants newly set up. Messrs.
Morell have good articles in their warehouses; Fortnum
and Mason are known to most of my readers.




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.               67
Buit what is not known, what is wanted, what is languished for in England is a dinner-master,-a gentleman who is not a provider of meat or wine, like the
parties before named,-who can have no earthly interest in the price of troufled turkeys or dry champagne
beyond that legitimate interest which he may feel for
his client, and which leads him to see that the latter is
not cheated by his tradesman. For the dinner-giver is
almost naturally  an ignorant man.  How  in mercy's
name can Mr. Sergeant Snorter, who is all day at Westminster, or in chambers, know possibly the mysteries,
the delicacy, of dinner-giving?  How  can Alderman
Pogson know any thing beyond the fact that venison
is good with currant-jelly, and that he likes lots of
green fat with his turtle?  Snorter knows law, Pogson
is acquainted with the state of the tallow-market; but
what should he know of eating, like you and me, who
have given up our time to it? (I say me only familiarly,
for I have only reached so far in the science as to know
that I know nothing.) But men there are, gifted individuals, who have spent years of deep thought-not
merely intervals of labour, but hours of study every day
-over the gormandising science,*-who, like alchemists, have let their fortunes go, guinea by guinea, into
the all-devouring pot,-who, ruined as they sometimes
are, never get a guinea by chance but they will have a
plate of peas in May with it, or a little feast of ortolans,
* The publisher has referred me to an essay in this Magazine upon the
subject of eating in Paris, by a person of the name of Tidrnarsh, who may be
a very worthy man for aught I know to the contrary; but has, with permission be it spoken, shown the most lamentable vulgarity and ignorance in his
writing. As for Nimrod's " Cibaria," the barbarity of them is quite amazing.-G. F. 3.




S           PFITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
or a piece of Glo'ster salmon, or one more flask from
their favourite claret-bin.
It is not the ruined gastronomist that I would advise
a person to select as his table-master; for the opportunities of peculation would be too great in a position of
such confidence-such complete abandonment of one
man to another.  A ruined man would be making bargains with the tradesmen. They would offer to cash
bills for him, or send him  opportune presents of wine,
which he could convert into money, or bribe him in one
way or another. Let this be done, and the profession
of table-master is ruined. Snorter and Pogson may
almost as well order their own dinners, as be at the
mercy of a "gastronomic agent" whose faith is not
beyond all question.
A vulgar mind, in reply to these remarks regarding
the gastronomic ignorance of Snorter and Pogson,
might say, "True, these gentlemen know nothing of
household economy, being occupied with other more
important business elsewhere. But what are their wives
about? Lady Pogson in Harley Street has nothing
earthly to do but to mind her poodle, and her mantuamakers' and house-keeper's bills. Mrs. Snorter in Bedford Place, when she has taken her drive in the Park
with the young ladies, may surely have time to attend
to her husband's guests and preside over the preparations of his kitchen, as she does worthily at his hospitable mahogany."  To this I answer, that a man who
expects a woman to understand the philosophy of dinnergiving, shews the strongest evidence of a low mind.
He is unjust towards that lovely and delicate creature,
woman, to suppose that she heartily understands and




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.           69
calves for what she eats and drinks.  No; taken as a
rule, women have no real appetites. They are children
in the gormandising way; loving sugar, sops, tarts,
trifles, apricot-creams, and such gewgaws. They would
take a sip of Malmsey, and would drink currant-wine
just as happily, if that accursed liquor were presented
to them by the butler. Did you ever know a woman
who could lay her fair hand upon her gentle heart and
say on her conscience that she preferred dry sillery to
sparkling champagne?  Such a phenomenon does not
exist.  They are not made for eating and drinking;
or, if they make a pretence to it, become downright
odious. Nor can they, I am sure, witness the preparations of a really great repast without a certain jealousy.
They grudge spending money (ask guards, coachmen,
inn-waiters, whether this be not the case).  They will
give their all, Heaven bless them! to serve a son, a
grandson, or a dear relative, but they have not the
heart to pay for small things magnificently.  They are
jealous of good dinners, and no wonder.  I have shewn
in a former discourse how they are jealous of smoking,
and other personal enjoyments of the male.  I say,
then, that Lady Pogson or Mrs. Snorter can never conduct their husbands' table properly. Fancy either of
them consenting to allow a calf to be stewed down into
gravy for one dish, or a dozen hares to be sacrificed to
a single puree of game, or the best Madeira to be used
for a sauce, or half-a-dozen champagne to boil a ham
in.  They will be for bringing a bottle of Marsala in
place of the old particular, or for having the ham cooked
in water.  But of these matters-of kitchen philosophy
-I have no practical or theoretic knowledge; and must




^O~ FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
beg pardon if, only understanding the goodness of a
dish when cooked, I may have unconsciously made some
blunder regarding the preparation.
Let it, then, be set down as an axiom, without further
trouble of demonstration, that a woman is a bad dinnercaterer; either too great and simple for it, or too mean
-I don't know which it is; and gentlemen accordingly
as they admire or contemn the sex, may settle that
matter theii own way. In brief, the mental constitution
of lovely woman is such that she cannot give a great
dinner.  It must be done by a man.  It can't be done
by an ordinary man, because he does nrot understand it.
Vain fool! and he sends off to the pastry-cook in
Great Russell Street or Baker Street, he lays on a
couple of extra waiters (green-grocers in the neighbourhood), he makes a great pother with his butler in the
cellar, and fancies he has done the business.
Bon Diee! Who has not been at those dinners --
those monstrous exhibitions of the pastry-cook's art?
Who does not know those made-dishes with the universal' sauce to each, fricandeaux, sweet-breads, damp
dumpy cutlets, &c., seasoned with the compound of
grease, onions, bad port wine, cayenne-pepper, curriepowder (Warren's blacking, for what I know, but the
taste is always the same)-there they lie in the old
corner-dishes, the poor wiry Moselle and sparkling Burgundy in the ice-coolers, and the old story of white and
brown soup, turbot, little smelts, boiled turkey, saddle
of mutton, and so forth?  " Try a little of that fiicandeau," says Mrs. Snorter, with a kind smile; " you'll find
it,'I think, very nice;" be sure it has come in a green
tray from Great Russell Street.  " Mr. Fitz-Boodle, you




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.            71
have been in Germany," cries Snorter, knowingly;
"taste the hock, and tell me what you think of that."
How should he know better, poor benighted creature;
or she, dear good soul that she is?  If they would have
a leg of mutton, and an apple pudding, and a glass of
sherry and port (or simple brandy and water called by
its own name) after dinner, all would be very well; but
they must shine, they must dine as their neighbours.
There is no difference (as I have heard an excellent
observer of human nature remark, the man who I don't
care to own first opened my eyes to cookerv)-there
is no difference in the style of dinners in London; people with five hundred a-year treat you exactly as those
of five thousand.  They will have their Moselle or
Hock, their fatal side-dishes brought in the green trays
from the pastry-cooks.
Well, there is no harm  done; not as regards the
dinner-givers at least, though the dinner-eaters may
have to suffer somewhat; it only shows that the former
are hospitably inclined, and wish to do the very best in
their power,-good honest fellows   If they do wrong,
how can they help it? they know no better.
And now, is it not as clear as the sun at noon-day,
that A WANT exists in London for a superintendent of
the table-a gastronomic agent-a dinner-master, as I
have called him  before?  A  man of such a profession
would be a metropolitan benefit; hundreds of thousands
of people of the respectable sort, people in white waistcoats, would thank him daily.  Calculate how  many
dinners are given in the City of London, and calculate
the numbers of benedictions that " the Agency" might
win.




72    oFITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.
And as no doubt the observant man of the world has
remarked, that the freeborn Englishman of the respectable class is, of all others, the most slavish and truckling
to a Lord; that there is no fly-blown peer but he is
pleased to have him at his table, proud beyond measure
to call him by his surname (without the lordly prefix);
and that of those lords whom he does not know, he yet
(the free-born Englishman) takes care to have their pedigrees and ages by heart from his world-bible, the peerage: as this is an indisputable fact, and as it is in this
particular class of Britons that our agent must look to
find clients, I need not say it is necessary that the agent
should be as high-born as possible, and that he should
be able to tack, if possible, an honourable or some
other handle to his respectable name.  He must have
it on his card
Z tle 1onourablk (tcorge (Oormanb (Outtleton,
alpiti an  btametro,  allTI JtaIl.
Or,
Sir alttgustu  Qtaiver (framleq  Qarmle,
ramptxirlnf, dtoutiI qfift,!ItalItoi %trti.
Or in some such neat way, Gothic letters on a large
handsome crockery-ware card, with possibly a gilt coat
pf arms and supporters, or the blood-red hand of baronetcy duly displayed; depend on it plenty of guineas will




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.           73
fall in it, and that Guttleton's supporters will support
him comfortably enough.
For this profession is not like that of the auctioneer,
which I take to be a far more noble one, because more
varied and more truthful: but in the Agency case, a
little humbug at least is necessary. A man cannot be
a successful agent by the mere force of his simple merit
or genius in eating and drinking. He must of necessity
impose upon the vulgar to a certain degree. He must
be of that rank which will lead them naturally to respect
him, otherwise they might be led to jeer at his profession; but let a noble exercise it, and bless your soul, all
the court-guide is dumnb!
He will then give out in a manly and somewhat
pompous address what has before been mentioned,
namely, that he has seen the fatal way in which the
hospitality of England has been perverted hitherto,
accapared by a few cooks with green trays. (He must
use a good deal of French in his language, for that is
considered very gentlemanlike by vulgar people.)  He
will take a set of chambers in Carlton Gardens, which
will be richly though severely furnished, and the door
of which will be opened by a French valet (he must be
a Frenchman, remember), who will say, on letting Mr.
Snorter or Sir Benjamin Pogson in, that'" Milor is at
home."  Pogson will then be shown into a library furnished with massive book-cases containing all the works
on cookery and wines (the titles of them) in all the
known languages in the world. Any books, of course, will
do, as you will have them handsomely bound, and keep
them  under plate glass.  On a side-table will be little
sample-bottles of wines, a few troufles on a white porcu4




74          FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
lain saucer, a prodigious strawberry or two, perhaps, at
the time when such fruit costs much money. On the
library will be busts marked UDE, CAREiME, BECHAMEL,
in marble (never mind what heads of course); and,
perhaps, on the clock should be a figure of the Prince
of Conde's cook killing himself because the fish had not
arrived in time; there may be a wreath of immortels on
the figure to give it a more decidedly Frenchified air.
The walls will be of a dark rich paper, hung round with
neat gilt frames containing plans of menus of various
great dinners, those of Cambaceres, Napoleon, Louis
XIV., Louis XVIII., Heliogabalus, if you like, each
signed by the respective cook.
After the stranger has looked about him at these
things, which he does not understand in the least, especially the troufles which look like dirty potatoes, you
will make your appearance, dressed in a dark dress
with one handsome enormous gold chain, and one large
diamond ring; a gold snuff-box, of course, which you
will thrust into the visitor's paw before saying a word.
You will be yourself a portly grave man, with your
hair a little bald and grey. In fact, in this as in all
other professions, you had best try to look as like Canning as you can.
When Pogson has done sneezing with the snuff, you
will say to him, "Take a fauteuil; I have the honour
of addressing Mr. Pogson, I believe?" And then you
will explain to him your system.
This, of course, must vary with every person you
address. But let us lay down a few of the heads of a
plan which may be useful, or may be modified infinitely
or may be cast aside altogether just as circumstances




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.          75
dictate. After all I am not going to turn gastronomic
agent, and speak only for the benefit perhaps of the
very person who is reading this.
SYNOPSIS OF THE GASTRONOMIC AGENCY OF THE
HONOURABLE GEORGE GUTTLETON.
The Gastronomic Agent having traversed Europe,
and dined with the best society of the world, has been
led naturally, as a patriot, to turn his thought homeward, and cannot but deplore the lamentable ignorance
regarding gastronomy displayed in a country for which
Nature has done almost every thing.
But it is ever singularly thus. Inherent ignorance
belongs to man, and The Agent, in his Continental
travels, has always remarked, that the countries most
fertile in themselves were invariably worse tilled than
those more barren.  The Italians and the Spaniards
leave their fields to Nature, as we leave our vegetables,
fish, and meat. And, Heavens! what richness do we
fling away,-what dormant qualities in our dishes do
we disregard, —what glorious gastronomic crops (if The
Agent may be permitted the expression), what glorious
gastronomic crops do we sacrifice, allowing our goodly
meats and fishes to lie fallow! "Chance," it is said by
an ingenious historian, who, having been long a secretary in the East India House, must certainly have had
access to the best information upon Eastern matters,
"Chance," it is said by Mr. Charles Lamb, "which
burnt down a Chinaman's house, with a litter of sucking pigs that were unable to escape from the interior,




76           FITZ-BOODLES PROFESSIONS.
discovered to the world the excellence of ROAST PIG."
Gunpowder, we know, was invented by a similar fortuity.
[The reader will observe that my style in the supposed
character of a Gastronomic Agent is purposely pompous
and loud.]  So,'tis said, was printing,-so glass.  We
should have drunk our wine poisoned with the villanous odour of the borachio, had not some Eastern merchants, lighting their fires in the desert, marked the
strange composition which now glitters on our sideboard,
and holds the costly produce of our vines.
We have spoken of the natural riches of a country.
Let the reader think but for one moment of the gastronomic wealth of our country of England, and he will
be lost in thankful amazement as he watches the astonishing riches poured out upon us from  Nature's bounteous cornucopia! Look at our fisheries!-the trout
and salmon tossing in our brawling streams; the white
and full breasted turbot struggling in the mariner's net;
the purple lobster lured by hopes of greed into his basket-prison, which he quits only for the red ordeal of the
pot.  Look at white-bait, great Heavens!-look at
white-bait, and a thousand frisking, glittering, silvery
things beside, which the nymphs of our native streams
bear kindly to the deities of our kitchens-our kitchens
such as they are.
And though it may be said, that other countries produce the freckle-backed salmon and the dark broadshouldered turbot; though  trout frequent many a
stream besides those of England, and lobsters sprawl on
other sands but ours; yet, let it be remembered, that
OUR NATIVE COUNTRY possesses those altogether, while
other lands only know them separately; that, above all,




FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.            77
WHITE-BAIT is peculiarly our country's, —ouR CITY'S
own! Blessings and eternal praises be on it, and, of
course, on brown bread and butter! And the Briton
should further remember, with honest pride and thankfulness, the situation of his capital, of London: the
lordly turtle floats from the sea into the stream, and
firom the stream to the city; the rapid fleets of all the
world, se donnent rendezvous, in the docks of our silver
Thames; the produce of our coasts and provincial cities,
east and west, is borne to us on the swift lines of lightning railroads.  In a word,-and no man but one who,
like The Agent, has travelled Europe over, can appreciate the gift-there is no city on earth's surface so
WELL SUPPLIED WITH FISiT as London!
With respect to our meats, all praise is supererogatory.  Ask the wretched hunter of chevreuil, the poor
devourer of rehbraten, what they think of the noble
English haunch, that, after bounding in the Park of
Knole or Windsor, exposes its magnificent flank upon
some broad silver platter at our tables?  It is enough
to say of foreign venison, that they are obliged to lard
it.  Away! ours is the palm of roast; whether of the
crisp mutton that crops the thymy herbage of our
downs, or the noble ox who revels on lush Althorpian
oil-cakes.  What game is like to ours?  Mans excels
us in poultry,'tis true, but'tis only in merry England
that the partridge has a flavour, that the turkey can
almost se passer de truffes, that the jolly juicy goose
can be eaten as he deserves.
Our vegetables, moreover, surpass all comment; Art
(by the means of glass) has wrung fruit out of the
bosom of Nature, such as she grants to no other clime.




78          FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
And if we have no vineyards on our hills, we have gold
to purchase their best produce. Nature, and enterprise
that masters Nature, have done every thing for our
land.
But, with all these prodigious riches in our power, is
it not painful to reflect how absurdly we employ them 2
Can we say that we are in the habit of DINING WELL.?
Alas, no! and The Agent, roaming o'er foreign lands,
and seeing how, with small means and great ingenuity
and perseverance, great ends were effected, comes back
sadly to his own country, whose wealth he sees absurdly
wasted, whose energies are misdirected, and whose vast
capabilities are allowed to lie idle.  *  *  *  [Here
should follow what I have only hinted at previously, a
vivid and terrible picture of the degradation of our
table.]  *  *  *  0, for a master spirit, to give an
impetus to the land, to see its great power directed in
the right way, and its wealth not squandered or hidden,
but nobly put out to interest and spent!
The Agent dares not hope to win that proud station
to be the destroyer of a barbarous system wallowing
in abusive prodigality-to become a dietetic reformerthe Luther of the table.
But convinced of the wrongs which exist, he will do
his humble endeavour to set them right, and to those
who know that they are ignorant (and this is a vast
step to knowledge) he offers his counsels, his active cooperation, his frank and kindly sympathy. The Agent's
qualifications are these:1. He is of one of the best families in England, and
has in himself, or through his ancestors, been accustomed to good living for centuries. In the reign of




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.            79
Henry V., his maternal great-great-grandfather, Roger
de 6otylton [the name may be varied, of course, or the
king's reign, or the dish invented], was the first who
discovered the method of roasting a peacock whole,
with its tail-feathers displayed; and the dish was served
to the two kings at Rouen.  Sir Walter Cramley, in
Elizabeth's reign, produced before her majesty, when at
Killingworth Castle, mackerel with the famous gooseberry sauce, &c.
2. He has, through life, devoted himself to no other
study than that of the table; and has visited to that
end the courts of all the monarchs of Europe: taking
the receipts of the cooks, with whom he lives on terms
of intimate friendship, often at an enormous expense to
himself.
3. He has the same acquaintance with all the vintages of the Continent; having passed the autumn of
1811 (the comet year) on the great Weinberg of
Johannisberg; being employed similarly at Bordeaux,
in 1836; at Oporto, in 1822; and at Xeres de la
Frontera, with his excellent friends, Duff, Gordon, and
Co., the year after. He travelled to India and back in
company with fourteen pipes of Madeira (on board of
the Samuel Snob, East Indiaman, Captain Scuttler),
and spent the vintage season in the island, with unlimited powers of observation granted to hir by the great
houses there.
4. He has attended Mr. Groves of Charing Cross, and
Mr. Giblett of Bond Street, in a course of purchases of
fish and meat; and is able at a glance to recognise the
age of mutton, the primeness of beef, the firmness and
freshness of fish of all kinds.




80           FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.
5. He has visited the Parks, the grouse-manors, and
the principal gardens of England, in a similar professional point of view.
The Agent then, through his subordinates, engages
to provide gentlemen who are about to give dinnerparties1. With cooks to dress the dinners; a list of which
gentlemen he has by him, and will recommend none
who are not worthy of the strictest confidence.
2. With a menu for the table, according to the price
which the Amphitryon chooses to incur.
3. He will, through correspondences with the various fournisseurs of the metropolis, provide them with
viands, fruit, wine, &c., sending to Paris, if need be,
where he has a regular correspondence with Messrs.
Chevet.
4. He has a list of dexterous table-waiters (all
answering to the name of John for fear of mistakes, the
butler's name to be settled according to pleasure), and
would strongly recommend that the servants of the
house should be locked in the back-kitchen or servants'
hall during the time that the dinner takes place.
5. IIe will receive and examine all the accounts of
the fournisseurs,-of course pledging his honour as a
gentleman not to receive one shilling of paltry gratification from the tradesmen he employs, but to see that
their bills are more moderate, and their goods of better
quality, than they would provide to any person of less
experience than himself.
6. His fee for superintending a dinner will be five
guineas: and The Agent entreats his clients to trust




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.            81
entirely to him  and his subordinates for the arrangemnent of the repast,-not to think of inserting dishes of
their own invention, or producing wine fiom their own
cellars, as he engages to have it brought in the best
order, and fit for immediate drinking.  Should the
Amphitryon, however, desire some particular dish or
wine, he must consult The Agent, in the first case by
writing, in the second, by sending a sample to The
Agent's chambers.  For it is manifest that the whole
complexion of a dinner may be altered by the insertion
of a single dish; and, therefore, parties will do well to
mention their wishes on the first interview with The
Agent.  He cannot be called upon to recompose his
bill of fare, except at great risk to the ensemble of the
dinner and enormous inconvenience to himself.
7. The Agent will be at home for consultation from
ten o'clock until two,-earlier, if gentlemen who are
engaged at early hours in the City desire to have an
interview; and be it remembered that a personal interview is always the best: for it is greatly necessary
to know not only the number but the character of the
guests whom the Amphitryon proposes to entertain,whether they are fond of any particular wine or dish,
what is their state  of health, rank, style, profession, &c.
8. At two o'clock, he will commence his rounds; for
as the metropolis is wide, it is clear that he must be
early in the field in some districts.  From 2 to 3, he
will be in Russell Square and the neighbourhood; 3 to
33, Harley Street, Portland Place, Cavendish Square,
and the environs; 33 to 4~, Portman Square, Gloucester Place, Baker Street, &c.; 41 to 5, the new dis4*




82           FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.
trict about Hyde Park Terrace; 5 to 5- St. John's
Wood and the Regent's Park.  He will be in Grosvenor Square by 6, and in Belgrave Square, Pimlico,
and its vicinity, by 7. Parties there are requested not
to dine until 8 o'clock; and The Agent, once for all,
peremptorily announces that he will NOT go to the
palace, where it is utterly impossible to serve a good
dinner.
TO TRADESMEN.
Every Monday evening during the season the Gastronomic Agent proposes to give a series of trial-dinners,
to which the principal gourmands of the metropolis,
and a few of The Agent's most respectable clients, will
be invited.  Covers will be laid for ten at nine o'clock
precisely. And as The Agent does not propose to exact
a single shilling of profit from  their bills, and as his
recommendation will be of infinite value to them, the
tradesmen he employs will furnish the weekly dinner
gratis.  Cooks will attend (who have acknowledged
characters) upon the same terms.  To save trouble, a
book will be kept where butchers, poulterers, fishmongers, &c., may inscribe their names in order, taking
it by turns to supply the trial-table.  Wine merchants
will naturally compete every week promiscuously, sending what they consider their best samples, and leaving
with the hall-porter tickets of the prices. Confectionery
to be done out of the house. Fruiterers, market-men,
as butchers and poulterers.  The Agent's maitre d'hotel
will give a receipt to each individual for the articles he
produces; and let all remember that The Agent is a




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.            83
very keen judge, and woe betide those who serve him
or'his clients ill!
GEORGE GORMAND GUTTLETON.
Carlton Gardens, June 10, 1842.
Here I have sketched out the heads of such an
address as I conceive a gastronomic agent might put
forth; and appeal pretty confidently to the British public regarding its merits and my own discovery. If this
be not a profession-a new  one-a feasible one-a
lucrative one,-I don't know what is.  Say that a man
attends but fifteen dinners daily, that is seventy-five
guineas, or five hundred and fifty pounds weekly, or
fourteen thousand three hundred pounds for a season
of six months: and how many of our younger sons
have such a capital even? Let, then, some unemployed
gentleman with the requisite qualifications come forward.  It will not be necessary that he should have
done all that is stated in the prospectus; but, at any
rate, let him say he has: there can't be much harm in
an innocent fib of that sort; for the gastronomic agent
must be a sort of dinner-pope, whose opinions cannot
be supposed to err.
And as he really will be an excellent judge of eating
and drinking, and will bring his whole mind to bear
upon the question, and will speedily acquire an experience which no person out of the profession can possibly
have; and as, moreover, he will be an honourable man,
not practising upon his client in any way, or demanding sixpence beyond his just fee, the world will gain
vastly by the coming forward of such a person,-gain
in good dinners, and absolutely save money; for what




84           FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.
is five guineas for a dinner of sixteen?  The sum may
be gaspille  by a cook-wench, or by one of those
abominable before-named pastry-cooks, with their green
trays.
If any man take up the business, he will invite me,
of course, to tie Monday dinners.  Or does ingratitude
go so far as that a man should forget the author of his
good fortune?  I believe it does.  Turn we away from
the sickening theme, and let us say a few words regarding my
THIRD PROFESSION.
The last profession is one in all respects inferior to
the two preceding-is merely temporary, whereas they
are for life; but has this advantage, that it may be
exercised by the vulgarest man in Europe, and requires
not the least previous experience or education.
It is better, unluckily, for a foreigner than an Englishman; but the latter may easily adopt it, if he have
any American relations, or if he choose to call himself
a citizen of the great republic.  In fact, this profession
simply consists in being a foreigner.
You may be ever so illiterate and low-bred, and you
are all the better for the profession.  Your worst social
qualities will stand you in stead. You should, to practise
properly, be curious, talkative, abominably impudent,
and forward.  You should never be rebuffed because
people turn their backs on you, but should attack them
again and again; and, depend upon it, that if you are
determined to know a man, he will end, out of mere
weariness, by admitting you to his acquaintance.




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.          85
Say that you have met a person once at a cafe, or
tavern, and that you do not know one single Englishman in the world (except the tradesmen in the nameless
quarter where you were born) but this, some young
fellow  from  college probably, who is spending his
vacation abroad. Well, you know this man, and it is
enough. Ask him at once for letters of introduction:
say that you are a young American (for I presume the
reader is an Englishman, and this character he can
therefore assume more readily than any other) wishing
to travel, and ask him for letters to his family in
England.  lie hums and ha's, and says he will send
them.  Nonsense  call the waiter to bring pens, ink,
and paper; lay them  laughingly before your friend;
say that now is the best time, and almost certainly you
will have the letters.  He can't abuse you in the notes,
because you are looking over his shoulder. The two
or three first men upon whom you make the attempt
may say that you may go to the deuce, and threaten to
kick you out of the room;-but'tis against the chances,
this sort of ferocity.  Men are rather soft than spirited;
and if they be spirited, you have only to wait until you
find a soft one.
It will be as well, perhaps, while making the demand
upon your friend in the cafe, to produce a series of
letters directed to the Marquess of L    e, the Duke of
D~-, Mr. R       the poet, Mr. C. K, the eminent
actor now retired, and other distinguished literary or
fashionable persons, saying that your friends in America
have already supplied you with these, but that you want
chiefly introductions to private families, to see "the
homes of England;" and as Englishmen respect lords




86           FITZ-BOODLE'8 PROFESSIONS.
(see remarks in Profession II.), most likely your young
cafe acquaintance will be dazzled by the sight of these
addresses, and will give you letters the more willingly,
saying to himself, " Who knows, egad, but that this
American may get my sisters to L      House?"  One
way or the other, you will be sure to end by having a
letter-a real letter; and as for those you have written,
why, upon my honour, I do not think that you can do
better than present some of them  on the chance; for
the Duke and the Marquess receive so many people at
their houses, that they cannot be expected to remember
all their names.  Write, then, bravely at onceTo his Grace the Duke of Dorsetshire, K. G. London.
Twenty-one Street, Boston, May 1842.
My dear Duke,-In the friendly hospitality which
you exercised towards me on my last visit to London, I
am  fain to hope that you looked somewhat to my
character as an individual, as well as to my quality as
a citizen of the greatest country in the world: I, for
my part, have always retained the warmest regard for
you, and shall be happy to see you any time you come
our way.
Assuming, I am sure justifiably, that your repeated
assurances of regard were sincere (for I do not consider
you as false, as I found the rest of the English nobility),
I send, to be under your special protection whilst in
London, my dear young friend, Nahum Hodge, distinguished among us as a patriot and a poet; in the first
of which capacities he burned several farm-houses in
Canada last fall, and, in the latter, has produced his




FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.          87
celebrated work, "The Bellowings of the Buffalo,"
printed at Buffalo, New York, by Messrs. Bowie and
Cutler, and which are far superior to any poems ever
produced  in  the old country.  Relying upon our
acquaintance, I have put down your name, my dear
Duke, as a subscriber for six copies, and will beg you
to hand over to my young fiiend Nahum  twelve
dollars —the price.
He is a modest, retiring young man, as most of our
young republicans are, and will want to be urged and
pushed forward into good society.  This, my dear
fellow, I am sure you will do for me. Ask him as often
as you can to dinner, and present him  at the best
houses you can in London.  I have written to the
Marquess of Sandown, reminding him of our acquaintance, and saying that you will vouch for the respectability of yoUtng Nahum, who will take the liberty of
leaving his card at Sandown House. I do not wish
that he should be presented at your court; for I conceive that a republican ought not to sanctify by his
presence any exhibition so degrading as that of the
English levee.
Nahum Hodge will call on you at breakfast-time; I
have told him that is the best hour to find yourself
and the dear Duchess at home.  Give my love to her
and the children, and believe me, my dear friend,
Your Lordship's most faithful Servant,
EBENEZER BROWN.
Such a letter as this will pretty surely get you
admission to his Grace; and of course you will be left
to your own resources to make yourself comfortable in




88           FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
the house.  Do not be rebuffed if the porter says, " Not
at home;" say, " You liveried varlet and slave! do you
pretend to lie in the face of a free-born American
republican?  Take in that note, do you hear, or I'll
whop you like one of my niggers 1" Those fat, overfed
men, who loll in porters' chairs, are generally timid,
and your card will be sure to be received.
While a servant has gone up-stairs with it, walk into
the library at once,* look at all the papers, the seals,
the books on the table, the addresses of all the letters,
examine the pictures, and shout out, "Here, you fat
porter, come and tell me who these tarnation people
are!"  The man will respectfully come to you; and
whatever be your fate with the family up-stairs —
whether the Duke says he cannot see you, or that he
knows nothing of you, at least you' will have had an
insight into his house and pictures, and may note down
every thing you see.
It is not probable he will say he knows nothing of
you. He is too polite and kind-hearted for that,-nay,
possibly, may recall to his mind that he once did
receive an American by the name of Brown.  If he
only says he cannot see you, of course you will call
again till he does; and be sure that the porter will
never dare to shut the door on you.
You will call and call so often, that he will end by
inviting you to a party.  Meanwhile, you will have
had your evenings pretty well filled by invitations from
the sisters of your friend whom you met in the cafe at
Paris,-agreeable girls-say their name is Smith, and
they live in Montague Place, or near Blackheath.  Be
* Of course you will select a house that is not entre cour et jardin.




FITZ-BOODILE S PROFESSIONS.          89
sure you tell them all that you know of the Duke of
Dorsetshire, that you have been with his Grace that
morning, and so on; and not only good old Mr. Smith,
but all his circle, will take care to invite you to as many
dinners as you can possibly devour.
Ycur conduct at these repasts will be perfectly
simple.  Keep your eyes open, and do pretty much as
you see other people do; but never acknowledge you
are in fault if any one presumes to blame you.  Eat
peas with your knife; and if gently taken to task
about this habit by Smith (a worthy man, who takes
an interest in his " son's friend,") say, " Well, General
Jackson eats peas with his knife: and I a'n't proud.  I
guess General Jackson can whop any Englishman.'
Say this sort of thing simply and unaffectedly, and you
will be sure not to be pestered as to your mode of
conveying your food to your mouth.
Take care at dinner not to admire any thing; on the
contrary, if they bring you madeira, say, "La bless
you, taste our inadeira!  My father's got some that he
gave fifty dollars a bottle for; this here ain't fit to bile
for puddns."  If there are ducks, ask every body if
they have tasted canvass-back ducks; oysters, say
the New York oyster will feed six men; turtle, prefer
terrapin, and so on.
And don't fancy that because you are insolent and
disagreeable, people will be shy of you in this country.
Sir, they like to be bullied in England, as to be bullies
when abroad.  They like a man to sneer at their
dinners; it argues that you are in the habit of getting
better.  I have known the lowest-bred men imaginable
pass for fine fellows by following this simple rule.




90           FITZ-BOODLE'd PROFESSIONS.
Remember through life that a man will always rather
submit to insolence than resist it.
Let this be your guide, then, in your commerce with
all ranks.  You will dine, of course, with your friends
about Russell Square and Greenwich, until such time
as you get a fair entry into the houses of greater people
(by the way, you will find these much more shy of
dinners and more profuse with their tea-parties than
your humbler entertainers).  But if you don't dine with
them, you must keep up your credit in the other quarter of the town —make believe to dine with them. You
can get a dinner for eightpence on those days, and
figure in the evening party afterwards.
At the great parties, make up to that part of the
room where the distinguished people are-not the great
men of the land, but the wits, mark you-and begin
talking with them at once; they will all respect you in
their hearts, as they respect themselves, for being at
such a grand house as that of his Grace the Duke of
Dorsetshire.
The wits will, after a little, take you to the Wits'
Club, the Muffinaeum, where you will enter gratis as a
distinguished foreigner.  You can breakfast there for a
shilling, have the run of the letter-paper, and will, of
course, take care to date your letters from thence.
Mind, then, once put your foot into a great house,
and your fortune in society is easily made.  You llave
but to attack, people will rather yield than resist.  I
once knew a Kentucky man, who, hearing the Marquess
of Carum Gorum  talking of the likelihood of grouse
that year, interposed, " My lord, it must be a wonderful
sight for a stranger to see a grand meeting of the aris




FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.            91
tocrats of England in the heathery hills of Scotia.
What would I not give to behold such an exhibition?"
The marquess smiled, shrugged, and said, " Well, sir,
if you come north, you must give me a day;" and then
turned on his heel.  This was in March: on the fourteenth of August Kentuck appeared with a new shooting jacket and a double-barrelled gun, got on credit, and
stayed a fortnight at Mull House.
At last, he sent in a letter, before breakfast on Sabbath morning, to Lord Carum Gorum, saying, that he
knew he was trespassing beyond all measure upon his
lordship's patience, but that he was a stranger in the
land, his remittances fiom America had somehow been
delayed, and the fact was, that there he was, waterlogged till they came.
Lord Carum Gorum inclosed him a ten-pound note in
an envelope, with a notification that a gig would be ready
for him after service: and Kentuck passed a very agreeable fortnight in Edinburgh, and published  in the
" Buffalo's Hump" a brilliant account of his stay at the
noble lord's castle.
Then, again, if you see a famous beauty, praise every
one of her points outrageously in your letter to the
Buffalo's Hump," as
ON THE LADY EMILY XWho left dancing and came and talked to the poet at the dejeine
at C ~- Lodge.
Beneath the gold acacia buds
My gentle Nora sits and broods,
Far, far away in Boston woods,
My gentle Noral




~92        FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
I see the tear-drop in her e'e,
Her bosom's heaving tenderly;,
I know-I know she thinks of me,
My darling Nora!
And where am I   My love, whilst thou
Sitt'st sad beneath the acacia bough,
Where pearl's on neck, and wreath on brow,
I stand, my Nora!'Mid carcanet and coronet,
Where joy-lamps shine and flowers are setWhere Englaad's chivalry-are met,
Behold me, Nora!
In this strange scene of revelry,
Amidst this gorgeous chivalry,
A form I saw, was like to thee,
My love-my Nora!
She paused amidst her converse glad;
The lady saw that I was sad,
She pitied the poor lonely lad,Dost love her, Nora?
In sooth, she is a lovely dame,
A lip of red, an eye of flame,
And clustering golden locks, the same
As thine, dear Nora!
Her glance is softer than the dawn's,
Her foot is lighter than the fawn's,
Her breast is whiter than the swan's,
Or thine, my Nora!
Oh, gentle breast to pity me!
Oh, lovely Ladye Emily!
Till death-till death'1ll think of theeOf thee and Nora!




FITZ-BOODLE S PROFESSIONS.           93
This sort of thing addressed to a thin shrivelled person of five-and-forty (and I declare it is as easy to write
such verses as to smoke a cigar) will be sure to have its
effect; and in this way you may live a couple of years
in England very fashionably and well.  By impudence
you may go from  one great house to another-by impudence you may get credit with all the fashionable
tradesmen in London-by impudence you may find a
publisher for your tour; and if with all this impudence
you cannot manage to pick up a few guineas by the
way, you are not the man I take you for.
And this is my last profession. In concluding the
sketch of which, it is of course not necessary for me to
say that the little character I have drawn out is not
taken from  any particular individual.  No, on my
honour, far from it; it is, rather, an agreeable compound
of many individuals, whom it has been our fortune to
see here; and as for the story about the Marquess of
Carum Gorum, it is, like the noble marquess himself, a
fiction. It is a possibility, that is all-an embodiment
of a good and feasible way of rising money. Perhaps
gentlemen in America, where our periodicals are printed
regularly, as I am  given to understand, may find the
speculation worth their while; and accordingly it is
recommended to the republican press.
To the discriminating press of this country how shall
I express my obligations for the unanimous applause
which hailed my first appearance?  It is the more
wonderful, as I pledge my sacred word, I never wrote a
document before much longer than a laundress's bill, or
the acceptance of an invitation to dinner. But enough
of this egotism; thanks for praise conferred sound like




94           FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.
vanity; gratitude is hard to speak of, and at present it
swells the full heart of
GEORGE SAVAGE FITZ-BOODLE.
P.S.-My memoirs, and other interesting works, will
appear next month, the length necessary to a discussion of the promised "Professions" having precluded
the possibility of their insertion in the present Number.
They are of thrilling interest.




MISS LOWE.                   95
MISS L  WE.
IT has twice been my lot to leave Minna Lowe under
the vine-leaves; on one occasion to break off into a
dissertation about marriage, which, to my surprise, nobody has pronounced to be immoral; and, secondly,
Minna was obliged to give place to that great essay on
professions which appeared in July, and which enables
me, as the Kelso Warder observes, " to take my place
among the proudest and wisest of England's literary
men."  This praise is, to be sure, rather qualified; and
I beg leave to say once more that I am not a literary
character in the least, but simply a younger brother of
a good house wanting money.
Well, twice has Minna Lowe been left.  I was very
nearly being off from her in the above sentence, but
luckily paused in time; for if anything were to occur
in this paragraph, calling me away from her yet a third
time, I should think it a solemn warning to discontinue
her history, which is, I confess, neither very romantic
in its details, nor very creditable to myself.
Let us take her where we left her in the June number of this Magazine, gazing through a sunny cluster
of vine-leaves upon a young and handsome stranger,
of noble face and exquisite proportions, who was trying




96          FFITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
to find the door of her fatther's l:ank.  That entrance
being through her amiable directions discovered, I entered and found Messrs. Moses and Solomon L6we in
the counting-house, Herr Solomon being the son of
Moses, and head clerk or partner in the business. That
I was cheated in my little matter of exchange stands to
reason.  A Jew banker (or such as I have had the
honour to know) cannot forego tle privilege of cheating; no, if it be but for a shilling.  What do I say,a shilling?-a penny! He will cheat you, in the first
place, in the exchanging your note; he will then cheat
you in giving gold for your silver; and though very
likely he will invite you to a splendid repast afterwards
that shall have cost him a score of thalers to procure, he
will have had the satisfaction of robbing vou of your
groschen, as no doubt he would rob his own father or
son.
Herr Moses Liowe must have been a very sharp Israelite, indeed, to rob Herr Solomon, or vice verst. The
poor fellows are both in prison for a matter of forgery,
as I heard last year when passing through Bonn; and
I confess it was not without a little palpitation of the
heart (it is a sausage-merchant's now) that I went and
took one look at the house where I had first beheld the
bright eyes of Minna Liwe.
For let them say as they will, that woman whom  a
man has once loved cannot be the same to him as another.  Whenever one of my passions comes into a
room, my cheeks flush,-my knees tremble,-I look at
her with pleased tenderness and (for the objects of my.
adoration do not once in forty times know their good
fortune) with melancholy secret wonder.  There they




MISS LO WE.                  97
are, the same women, and yet not the same; it is the
same nose and eyes, if you will, but not the same looks;
the same voice, but not the same sweet words as of old.
The figure moves, and looks, and talks to you; you
know how dear and how  different its speech and actions once were;'tis the hall with all the lights put
out and the garlands dead (as I have said in one of my
poems).  Did you ever have a pocket-book that once
contained five thousand pounds?  Did you ever look at
that pocket-book with the money lying in it?  Do you
remember how you respected and admired that pocketbook, investing it with a secret awe, imagining it had a
superiority to other pocket-books?  I have such a
pocket-book; I keep it now, and often look at it rather
tenderly.  It cannot be as other portfolios to me.  I
remember that it once held five thousand pounds.
Thus it is with love.  I have empty pocket-books
scattered all over Europe of this kind; and I always
go and look at them just for a moment, and the spirit
flies back to days gone by, kind eyes look at me as of
yore, and echoes of old gentle voices fall tenderly upon
the ear.  Away! to the true heart the past never is past
-and some (lay when Death has cleared our dull faculties, and past and future sliall be rolled into one,
we shall  *   *
Well, you were quite right, my good sir, to interrupt
me. I can't help it, I am too apt to grow sentimental,
and always on the most absurd pretexts.  I never know
when the fit will come on me, or i-pr2opos of what. I
never was so jolly in my whole life as one day coming.hone from a funeral; and once went to a masked ball
at Paris, the gaiety of which inmal e nme so profoundly
5




98           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
miserable, that, egad! I wept like Xerxes (wasn't that
the fellow's name?) and was sick-sick at heart. This
premised, permit me, my friend, to indulge in sentiment
d-propos of Minna Lowe; for, corbleu! for three weeks,
at least, I adored the wench; and could give any person curious that way a complete psychological history
of the passion's rise, progress, and decay;-decay, indeed! why do I say decay?  A man does not " decay"
when he tumbles down a well, but drowns there; so is
love choked sometimes by abrupt conclusions, falls
down wells, and oh! the dismal truth at the bottom of
them!
" If, my lord," said Herr Moses, counting out the gold
fredericks to me, "you intend to shtay in our town, I
hope my daughtersh and I vill have shometimesh de
pleashure of your high veil-born shoshiety?"
" The town is a most delightful one, Mr. L6we," answered I.  "I am myself an Oxford man, and exceedingly interested about-ahem —about the Byzantine
historians, of which I see the University is producing
an edition; and I shall make, I think, a considerable
stay."  Heaven bless us!'twas Miss Minna's eyes that
had done the business.  But for them I should have
slept at Coblentz that very night; where, by the way,
the Hotel de la Poste is one of the very best inns in
Europe.
A friend had accompanied me to Bonn,-a jolly dragoon, who was quite versed in the German language,
having spent some time in the Austrian service before
he joined us; or in the "Awthtwian thervith," as he
would call it, with a double-distilled gentility of accent
very difficult to be acquired out of Regent Street.  Wo




MISS LOWE.                  99
had quarrelled already thrice on the passage from England-viz., at Rotterdam, at Cologne, and once here;
so that when he said he intended to go to Mayence, I
at once proclaimed that I intended to stay where I was;
and with Miss Minna Lowe's image in my heart, went
out and selected lodgings for myself as near as possible
to her father's house. Wilder said I might go to 
any place I liked; he remained in his quarters at the
hotel, as I found a couple of days afterwards, when I
saw the fellow smoking at the gateway in the company
of a score of Prussian officers, with whom he had made
acquaintance.
I for my part have never been famous for that habit
of extemporaneous friendship-making, which  some
lucky fellows possess. Like most of my countrymen,
when I enter a room I always take care to look about
with an air as if I heartily despised every one, and
wanted to know what the d-1 they did there! Among
foreigners I feel this especially; for the truth is, right
or wrong, I can't help despising the rogues, and feeling
manifestly my own superiority. In consequence of this
amiable quality, then (in this particular instance of my
life), I gave up the table d'h6te dinner at the Star as
something low  and ungentlemanlike, made a point
of staring and not answering when people spoke to
me, and thus I have no doubt impressed all the world
with a sense of my dignity. Instead of dining at the
public place, then, I took my repasts alone; though, as
Wilder said with some justice, though with a good
deal too much laisser-aller of tongue, " You gweat fool,
if it'th only becauth you want to be thilent, why don't
you thtill dine with uth? You'll get a wegular good




100          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
dinner inthtead of a bad one; and atl for thpeakcing to
you, depend on it every man in the room will thee you
hanged futht!"
" Pray allow me to dine in my own way, Wilder," says
I, in the most dignified way.
" Dine and be d-d!" said the lieutenant, and so I
lived solitary and had my own way.
I proposed to take some German lessons; and for
this purpose asked the banker, Mr. LOwe, to introduce
me to a master.  He procured one, a gentleman of his
own persuasion; and further, had the kindness to say
that his clerk, Mr. Ilirsch, should come and sit with
me every morning and perfect lme in the tongue; so
that, with the master I had and the society I kept, I
might look to acquire a very decent German pronunciation.
This Hirsch was a little Albino of a creature with
pinkish eyes, white hair, flame-coloured whiskers, and
earrings.  His eyes jutted out enormously from  his
countenance, as did his two large swollen red lips,
which had the true Israelitish coarseness.  He was
always, after a short time, in and out of my apartments.
He brought a dozen messages and ran as many errands
for me in the course of the day. My way of addressing
him  was, " Hirsch, you scoundrel, get my boots!"
" Hirsch, my Levite, brush my coat for me "  " Run,
you stag of Israel, and put this letter in the post I" and
with many similar compliments.  The little rascal was,
to do him justice, as willing as possible, never minded
by what name I called him, and, above all,-came from
Minna.  He was not the rose; no, indeed, nor any
thing like it; but, as the poet says, "he had lived




MISS LOWE.                  101
beside it;" and was there in all Slaron such a rose as
Minna Lowe?
If I did not write with a moral purpose, and because
my unfortunate example may act wholesomely upon
other young men of fashion, and induce them to learn
wisdom, I should not say a single syllable about Minna
Lowe, nor all the blunders I committed, nor the humiliation I suffered.  There is about a young Englishman
of twenty a degree of easy self-confidence, hardly possessed even by a Frenchman. The latter swaggers and
bullies about his superiority, taking all opportunities to
shriek it into your ears, and to proclaim the infinite
merits of himself and his nation; but, upon my word,
the bragging of the Frenchman is not so conceited or
intolerable as that calm, silent, contemptuous conceit of
us young Britons, who think our superiority so well
established that it is really not worth arguing upon, and
who take upon us to despise thoroughly the whole
world through which we pass.  We are hated on the
Continent, they say, and no wonder.  If any other
nation were to attempt to domineer over us as we do
over Europe, we would hate them  as heartily and
furiously as many a Frenchman and Italian does us.
Now when I went abroad I fancied myself one of
the finest fellows under the sun. I patronised a banker's
dinners as if I did him honour in eating them; I took
my place before grave professors and celebrated men,
and talked vapid nonsense to them in infamous French,
laughing heartily in return at their own manner of
pronouncing that language.  I set down as a point
beyond question that their customs were inferior to our
own, and would not in the least scruple, in a calm way




i02         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
to let my opinion be known. What an agreeable
young fellow I must have been!
With these opinions, and my pleasant way of expressing them, I would sit for hours by the side of
lovely Minna Lowe, ridiculing, with much of that elegant satire for which the English are remarkable, every
one of the customs of the country,-the dinners, with
the absurd un-English pudding in the very midst of
them; the dresses of the men, with their braided coats
and great seal-rings. As for little Hirsch, he formed
the constant subject of my raillery with Mademoiselle
Minna; and I gave it as my fixed opinion, that he was
only fit to sell sealing-wax and oranges to the coaches
in Piccadilly.
"   fous afez tant d'esprit, fous autres jeunes Anglais,"
would she say; and I said, "Oui, nous avons beaucoup d'esprit, beaucoup plus que les Allemands," with
the utmost simplicity; and then would half close my
eyes, and give her a look that I thought must kill her.
Shall I tell the result of our conversation. In conversation 1, Minna asked me if I did not think the tea
remarkably good, with which she and her sister treated
me.  She said it came overland from China, that her
papa's correspondent at Petersburg forwarded it to
them, and that no such tea was to be had in Germany.
On this I seriously believed the tea to be excellent;
and next morning at breakfast little Hirsch walked
smirking into my room, with a parcel of six pounds of
congo, for which I had the honour of paying eighteen
Prussian thalers, being two pounds fourteen shillings of
our money.
The next time I called, Herr Moses insisted on re



1 MISS LO WE.              103.
galing me with a glass of Cyprus wine. His brother
Lowe of Constantinople was the only person in the
world who possessed this precious liquor. Four days
afterwards Liwe came to know how I liked the Cyprus
wine which I had ordered, and would I like another
dozen   O On saying that I had not ordered any, that I
did not like sweet wine, he answered, " Pardon!" it
had been in my cellar three days, and he would send
some excellent M6doc at a moderate price, and would
take no refusal.  A basket of Medoc came that very
night in my absence, with a bill directed to the " High
Well-born Count von Fitz-Boodle."  This excessive desire of the L6we family to serve me made me relax my
importunities somewhat.  "Ah!" says Minna, with a
sigh, the next time I saw her, " have we offended you,
Herr George    You don't come to see us any more
now!"
"I11 come to-morrow," says I; and she gave me a
look and a smile which, oh 1-" I am a fool, I know I
am!" as the honourable member for Montrose said
t'other day.  And was not Samson ditto? was not
Hercules another? Next day she was seated at the
vine-leaves as I entered the court. She smiled, and
then retreated. She had been on the look-out for me,
I knew she had. She held out her little hand to me
as I came into the room. Oh, how soft it was and how
round! and with a little apricot-coloured glove thatthat I have to this day! I had been arranging a little
compliment as I came along, something quite new and
killing. I had only the heart to say. "  Es ist sehr
warm."
" Oh, Herr George!" says she; " Lieber Herr George,




104          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
what a progress have you made in German! You
speak it like a native!"
But somehow I preferred to continue the conversation
in French; and it was made up, as I am bound to say,
of remarks equally brilliant and appropriate with that
one above given.  When old Lowe came in I was
winding a skein of silk, seated in an enticing attitude,
gazing with all my soul at Delilah, who held down her
beautiful eyes.
That day they did not sell me any bargains at all;
and the next found me, you may be very sure, in the
same parlour again, where, in his schlaf-rock, the old
Israelite was smoking his pipe.
" Get away, papa," said Minna, "English lords can't
bear smoke.  I'm sure Herr George dislikes it."
"Indeed, I smoke occasionally myself," answered
your humble servant.
" Get his lordship a pipe, Minna, my soul's darling!"
exclaimed the banker.
" 0 yes! the beautiful long  Turkish  one," cried
Minna, springing up, and presently returned, bearing a
long cherry-stick covered with a scarlet and gold cloth,
at one end an enamelled amber mouth-piece, a gilded
pipe at the other. In she came dancing, wand in hand,
and looking like a fairy!
"Stop!" she said.; " I must light it for T-err George."
(By Jupiter! there was a way that girl had of pronouncing my name, " George," which I never heard
equalled before or since.)  And accordingly, bidding
her sister get fire, she put herself in the prettiest attitude ever seen: with one little foot put forward, and
her head thrown back, and a little hand holding the




MISS LOWE.                  105
pipe-stick between finger and thumb, and a pair of red
lips kissing the amber mouth-piece with the sweetest
smile ever mortal saw.  Her sister, giggling, lighted
the tobacco, and presently you saw issuing from between
those beautiful, smiling, red lips of Minna's a little
curling, graceful, white smoke, which rose soaring up
to the ceiling.  I swear, I felt quite faint with the fraglance of it.
*When the pipe was lighted, she brought it to me
with quite as pretty an attitude and a glance thatPsha! I gave old Moses Lowe fourteen pounds sterling
for that pipe that very evening; and as for the mouthpiece, I would not part with it away from me, but I
wrapped it up in a glove that I took from the table,
and put both into my breast-pocket; and next morning,
when Charley Wilder burst suddenly into my room, he
found me sitting up in bed in a green silk night-cap, a
little apricot-coloured glove lying on the counterpane
before me, your humble servant employed in mumbling
the mouth-piece as if it were a bitof barley-sugar.
He stopped, stared, burst into a shriek of laughter,
and made a rush at the glove on the counterpane; but,
in a fury, I sent a large single volumed Tom Moore (I
am not a poetical man, but I must confess I was reading some passages in Lalla Rookh that I found applicable to my situation)-I sent, I say, a Tom Moore at
his head, which, luckily, missed him; and to which he
responded by seizing a bolster and thumping me outrageously.  It was lucky that he was a good-natured fellow, and had only resorted to that harmless weapon, for
I was in such a fury that I certainly would have murdered him at the least insult.
5*




106         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
I did not murder him then; but if he peached a
single word upon the subject, I swore I would, and
Wilder knew I was a man of my word. He was not
unaware of my tendre for Minna Liwe, and was for passing some of his delicate light-dragoon jokes upon it and
her; but these, too, I sternly cut short.
" Why, cuth me, if I don't think you want to mawwy
her!" blurted out Wilder.
" Well, sir," said I,  and suppose I do?"
" What! mawwy the daughter of that thwindling old
clotheman? I tell you what, Fitth-Boodle, they alwayth
thaid you were mad in the weg'ment, and run me
thwough, if I don't think you are."
"The man," says I, "sir, who would address Mademoiselle L6we in any but an honourable way is a scoundrel; and the man who says a word against her character is a liar!"
After a little further parley (which Wilder would not
have continued but that he wanted to borrow money
of me), that gentleman retired, declaring that "I wath
ath thulky ath a bear with a thaw head," and left me to
my apricoteoloured glove and my amber mouth-piece.
Wilder's aissertion that I was going to act up to
opinions which I had always professed, and to marry
Minna Liwe, certainly astounded me, and gave me
occasion for thought. Marry the daughter of a Jew
banker! I, George Fitz-Boodle! That would never
do; not unless she had a million to her fortune, at least,
and it was not probable that a humble dealer at Bonn
could give her so much. But marry heror not, I could
-not refrain from the sweet pleasure of falling in love
with her, and shut my eyes to the morrow that I might




MISS LOWE.                  107
properly enjoy the day. Shortly after Wilder's departure, little Hirsch paid his almost daily visit to me.  I
determined-and wondered that I had never thought
of the scheme before-sagely to sound him  regarding
Minna's fortune, and to make use of him as my letter
and message-carrier.
" Ah, Hirsch! my lion of Judah!" says I, " you have
brought me the pipe-stick, have you?"
"Yes, my lord, and seven pounds of the tobacco you
said you liked.'Tis real Syrian, and a great bargain
you get it, I promise."
"Egad!" replied I, affecting an air of much careless
ingenuousness.  "Do you know, Hirsch, my boy, that
the youngest of the Miss Lowes-Miss Anna, I think
you call her    "
"Minna," said Hirsch, with a grin.
"Well, Minna-Minna, Hirsch, is a devilish fine girl;
upon my soul now, she is."
"Do you really think so?" says Hirsch.
"'Poil my honour, I do.  And yesterday, when she
was lighting the pipe-stick, she looked so confoundedly
handsome that I-I quite fell in lovewittlhher; really
I did."
" Ho! Vell, you do our people great honour, I'm
sure," answered Hirsch.
"Father a warm man?"
"Varm! I low do you mean varm  "
" Why, rich.  We call a rich man warm in England;
only you don't understand the language. flow much
will he give his daughter?'
"Oh! very little.  Not a vcek of your income, my
lord," said Hirsch.




108          FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
"Pooh, pooh! You always talk of me as if I'm
rich; but I tell you I am poor-exceedingly poor."
"Go away vid you!" said Hirsch, incredulously.
" You poor! I vish I had a year of your income; that
I do" (and I have no doubt he dil, or of the revenue
of any one else).  "I'd be a rich man, and have de best
house in Bonn."
"Are you so very poor yourself, Hirsch, that you talk
in this way?" asked I.
To which the young Israelite replied that he had not
one dollar to rub 1 agaist anotler; that Mr. L6we was a
close man; and finally (upon my pressing the point,
like a cunning dog as I was ), that he would do anything to earn a little money.
" Hirsch," said I, like a wicked youngo reprobate and
Don Juan, " will you carry a letter to Miss Minna
LUwe?"
Now there was no earthly reason why I should have
made a twopenny-postman of Mr. Hirsch.  I might
with just as much ease have given Minna the letter
myself.  I saw her daily and for hours, and it would be
hard if I could not find her for a minute alone, or at
least-slip a note into her glove or pocket-handkerchief,
if secret the note must be.  But, I don't care to own it,
I was as ignorant of any love-making which requires
mystery as any bishop on the bench, and pitched upon
Hirsch, as it were, because in comedies and romances
that I had read the hero has always a go-between-a
valet, or humble follower-who performs the intrigue
of the piece. So I asked Hirsch the above question,
"Would he carry a letter to Miss Minna Lowe V"
"Give it me," said he, with a grin.




MISS LOWE.                   109
But the deuce of it was, it wasn't written.  Rosina,
in the opera, has hers ready in her pocket, and says
" Eccolo qua" when Figaro makes the same request, so
I told Hirsch that I would get it ready.  And a very
hard task I found it too, in sitting down to compose the
document.  It shall be in verse, thought I, for Minna
understands some English; but there is no rhyme to
Minna, as every body knows, except a cockney, who
might make "thinner, dinner, winner," &c., answer to
it.  And as for Lwve, it is just as bad.  Then it became,
as I thought, my painful duty to send her a note in
French; and in French finally it was composed, and I
blush now when I think of the nonsense and bad gramnar it contained-the conceit above all.  The easy vulgar assurance of victory witl which I, a raw lad from
the stupidest country in Europe, assailed one of the
most beautiful women in the world 
Hirsch took the letter, and to bribe the fellow to
silence, I agreed to purchase a great hideous amethyst
brooch, which he had offered me a dozen times for sale,
and which I had always refused till now.  lIe said it
had been graciously received, but as all the family were
present in the evening when I called, of course no allusion could be made to the note; but I thought Minna
looked particularly kind, as I sat and lost a couple of
fredericks at ecarte to  a very stout Israelite lady,
Madame Lowe, junior, the wife of Monsieur Solomon
Lowe.  I think it was on this night, or the next, that I
was induced to purchase a bale of remarkably fine lawn
for shirts, for old Lowe had every thing to sell, as is not
uncommon with men of his profession and persuasion;
and had [ expressed a fancy for a coffin or a hod of




110          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
mortar, I have no doubt Hirsch would have had it at
my door next morning.
I went on sending letters to Minna, copying them out
of a useful little work called Le Petit Secretaire Franpais, and easily adapting them to circumstances, by
altering a phrase here and there. Day and night I used
to dangle about the house.  It was provoking, to be
sure, that Minna was never alone now; her sister or
Madam  Solomon were always with her, and as they
naturally spoke German, of which language I knew but
few words, my evenings were passed in sighing, ogling,
and saying nothing. I must have been a very charming companion.  One evening was pretty much like
another. Four or five times in the week old Lowe
would drop in and sell me a bargain.  Berlin-iron
chains and trinkets for my family at home, Naples soap,
a case of eau de Cologne; a beautiful dressing-gown,
lined with fur for the winter; a rifle, one of the famous
Frankfort make; a complete collection of the German
classics; and finally, to my awful disgust, a set of the
Byzantine historians.
I must tell you that, although my banking friend had
furnished me with half a stone of Syrian tobacco from
his brother at Constantinople, and though the most
beautiful lips in the world had first taught me to smoke
it, I discovered, after a few pipes of the weed, that it
was not so much to my taste as that grown in the West
Indies; and as his Havannah cigars were also not to
my liking, I was compelled, not without some scruples
of conscience at my infidelity, to procure my smoking
supplies elsewhere.
And now  I come to the fatal part of my story.




MISS LOWE.                 111
Wilder, who was likewise an amateur of the weed, once
came to my lodgings in the company of a tobacconist
whom he patronised, and who brought several boxes
and samples for inspection. Herr Rohr, which was the
gentleman's name, sat down with us, his wares were
very good, and-must I own it?-I thought it would
be a very clever and prudent thing on my part to
exchange some of my rare Syrian against his canaster
and Havannahs. I vaunted the quality of the goods to
him, and, going into the inner room, returned with a
packet of the real Syrian. Herr Rohr looked at the
parcel rather contemptuously, I thought.
"I have plenty of these goods in my shop," said he.
"Why, you don't thay tho," says Wilder, with a
grin; "it'th the weal wegular Thywian. My friend
Fitth-Boodle got it from hith bankerth, and no mithtake!"
" Was it from Mr. L6we?" says Rohr, with another
provoking sneer.
"Exactly. His brother Israel sent it from Constantinople."
" Bah!" says Rohr.  "I sold this very tobacco, seven
pounds of it, at fourteen groschen a pound, to Miss
Minna Lowe and little Mr. Hirsch, who came express to
my shop for it. Here's my seal," says Mr. Rohr. And
sure enough he produced, from  a very fat and dirty
forefinger, a seal, which bore the engraving on the
packet.
"You sold that to Miss Minna Lowe 2" groaned poor
George Fitz-Boodle.
"Yes, and she bated me down half a gros in the
price. Heaven help you, sir! she always makes the




112         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
bargains for her father.  There's something so pretty
about her that we can't resist her."
"And do you thell wineth, too,-Thypwuth and
Medoc, hay?" continued the brute Wilder, enjoying the
joke.
"No," answered Mr. Rohr, with another confounded
sneer. "He makes those himself; but I have some
very fine Medoc and Greek wine, if his high well-born
lordship would like a few  dozen. Shall I send a
pannier?"
"Leave the room, sir!" here shouted I, in a voice of
uncontrollable ferocity, and looked so wildly that little
Rohr rushed away in a fiight, and Wilder burst into
one of his demoniacal laughs again.
"Don't you thee, my good fwiend," continued he,
" how wegularly thethe people have been doing you? I
tell you their chawacterth are known all over the town.
There'th not a thtudent in the place but can give you a
hithtory of the family. Lowe ith an infarnal old uthuwer, and hith daughterth wegular mantwapth.  At the
Tltar, where I dine with the officerth of the garrithon,
you and Minna are a thtandard joke.  Captain Heerpauk wath caught himself for near thicth weekth; young
Von Twommel wath wemoved by hith fwiends; old
Colonel Blitz wath at one time tho nearly gone in love
with the elder, that he would have had a divorce from
hith lady.  Among the thtudentth the mania hath
been jutht the thame.  Whenever one wath worth
plucking, Lowe uthed to have him to hith houthe and
wob him, until at latht the wathcal'th  chawacter
became tho well known that the thtudentth in a body
have detherted him, and you will find that not one of




MISS L6WE.                    113
them will dance with hith dauglhterth, handthoine ath
they are.  Go down to Godesberg to-nigllt and thee."
"I am going," answered i; " tle young ladies asked
me to drive down in their carriae;" and I flung myself
back on the sofa and puffed away volumes of smoke,
and tossed and tumbled the live-long day, with a horrible conviction that something of what Wilder had told
me might be true, and with a vow to sacrifice at least
one of the officers who had been laughing at me.
There they were, the scoundrels! in  their cursed
tight frock-coats and hay-coloured moustachios, twirling
round in the waltzes with tlhe citizens' daughters, when,
according to promise, I arrived with  the Israelitish
ladies at the garden at Godesberg, where dancing is
carried on twice or thrice in a week.  There were the
students, with their long pipes' and little caps, and long
hair, tippling at the tables unode, the leaves, or dancing
that absurd waltz which has always been the object of
my contempt.  The fact is, I am not a dancing man.
Students and officers, I thought, every eye was looking at me, as I entered the garden with Miss Minna
Lowe on mv arm.  Wilder tells me that I looked blue
with rage, and as if I should cut the throat of any man
I met.
We had driven down in old Lowe's landau, the old
gentleman himself acting as coachman, with Mr. Hirsch
in his best clothes by his side.  In the carriage came
Madam Solomon, in yellow satin; Miss L6wa, in light
green (it is astonishing how persons of a light complexion will wear this detestable colour); Miss Minna was
in white muslin, with a pair of black knit gloves on her
beautiful arms, a pink riband round her delicate waist,




114          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
and a pink scarf on her shoulders, for in those daysand the fashion exists still somewhat on the Rhine —it
was the custom of ladies to dress themselves in what
we call an evening costume for dinner-time; and so
was the lovely Minna attired. As I sat by her on the
back seat, I did not say one single word, I confess, but
looked unutterable things, and forgot in her beauty all
the suspicions of the morning.  I hadn't asked her to
waltz,-for, the fact is, I didn't know  how to waltz
(though I learned afterwards, as you shall hear), and
so only begged her hand for a quadrille.
We entered thus Mr. Blintzner's garden as I have
described, the men staring at us, the lovely Minna on
my arm. I ordered refreshments for the party; and
we sat at a table near the boarded place where the
people were dancing.  No one came up to ask Minna
to waltz, and I confess I was not sorry for it,-for I
own to that dog-in-the-manger jealousy which is common to love,-no one came but poor little Hirsch, who
had been absent to get sandwiches for the ladies, and
came up making his bow just as I was asking Minna
whether she would give no response to my letters. She
looked surprised,-looked at Hirsch, who looked at me,
and laying his hand (rather familiarly) upon my arm,
put the other paw to his great, red, blubber lips, as if
enjoining silence; and, before a word, carries off Minna,
and began twisting her round in the waltz.
The little brute had assumed his best clothes for the
occasion.  He had a white hat and a pair of white
gloves; a green satin stock, with profuse studs of jewels in his shirt; a yellow waistcoat, with one of pink
Cashmere underneath; very short nankeen trousers,




MISS LOWE.                 115
and striped silk stockings; and a swallow-tailed, shortwaisted, light-brown coat, with brass buttons; the tails
whirled in the wind as he and his partner spun round
to a very quick waltz,-not without agility, I confess,
on the little scoundrel's part,-and oh, with what incomparable grace on Minna's! The other waltzers cleared
away, doubtless to look at her performance; but though
such a reptile was below my jealousy, I felt that I
should have preferred to the same music to kick the
little beast round the circle rather than see his hand
encircling such a waist as that.
They only made one or two turns, however, and
came back. Minna was blushing very red, and very
much agitated.
" Will you take one turn, Fraiilein Lisa?" said the
active Hirsch; and after a little to-do on the part of
the elder sister, she got up, and advanced to the dancing
place.
What was my surprise when the people again cleared
off, and left the pair to perform alone  Hirsch and his
partner enjoyed their waltz, however, and returned,
looking as ill-humoured as possible. The band struck
up presently a quadrille tune. I would not receive any
of Minna's excuses. She did not wish to dance; she
was faint,-she had no vis-a-vis.  "Hirsch," said I,
with much courtesy, "take out Madam Solomon, and
come and dance."  We advanced,-big Mrs. Solomon
and Hirsch, Minna and I,-Miss Lisa remaining with
her papa over the Rhine wine and sandwiches.
There were at least twenty couple, who were mustering to make a quadrille when we advanced. Minna
blushed scarlet, and I felt her trembling on my arm;




116         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
no doubt'twas from joy at dancing with the fashionable
young Englander. iirsch, with a low bow  alnd a
scrape, led Madam  Solomon opposite us, and put himself in the fifth position.  It was rather disgustinlg, certainly, for George Savage Fitzboodle to be dancing visa-vis with such an animal as that!
Mr. Hirsch clapped his hands with a knowing air, to
begin.  I looked up from  Minna (what I had been
whispering to her must not be concealed,-in fact, I had
said so previously, es ist sehr warm; but I said it with
an accent that must have gone to her heart),-when I
say I looked up fiom her lovely face, I found that every
one of the other couple had retired, and that we four
were left to dance the quadrille by ourselves!
Yes, by Heavens! it was so! Minna, fiom  being
scarlet, turned ghastly pale, and would have fallen back
had I not encircled her with my arm.  "I'm  ill," said
she; "let me go brck to my father."  "You must
dance," said I, and held up my clenched fist to Hirsch,
who I thought would have moved off too; on which
the little fellow was compelled to stop. And so we four
went through the quadrille.
The first figure seemed to me to last a hundred thousand years.  I don't know how Minna did not fall down
and faint; but gathering courage all of a sudden, and
throwing a quick, fierce look round about her, as if in
defiance, and a look which made my little angel for a
moment look like a little demon, she went through the
dance with as much gracefulness as a duchess. As for
me,~ —at first the whole air seemed to be peopled with
grinning faces, and I moved about almost choked with
rage and passion. Then gradually the film of fury wore




MISS L6WE.                 117
off, and I became wonderfully calm,-nay, had the
leisure to look at Monsieur Hirsch, who performed all
the steps with wonderful accuracy; and at every one of
the faces round about us, officers, students, and citizens.
None of the gentlemen, probably, liked my face,-for
theirs wore, as I looked at them, a very grave and
demure expression. But as Minna was dancing, I heard
a voice behind her cry, sneeringly, " Brava!" I turned
quickly round, and caught the speaker. He turned
very red, and so betrayed himself. Our eyes met, —it
was a settled thing. There was no need of any further
arrangement, and it was then, as I have said, that the
film cleared off; and I have to thank Capt. Heerpauk
for getting through the quadrille without an apoplexy.
" Did you hear that-that voice, Herr George?" said
Miss Minna, looking beseechingly in my face, and trembling on my arm, as I led her back to her father.
Poor soul! I saw it all at once. She loved me,-I knew
she did, and trembled lest I should run into any danger.
I stuttered, stammered, vowed I did not hear it; at the
same time swearing inwardly an oath of the largest
dimensions, that I would cut the throat whence that
"Brava!" issued. I left my lady for a moment, and
finding Wilder, pointed out the man to him.
"Oh, Heerpauk," says he. "What do you want with
him?"
"Charley," says I, with much heroism and ferocity,
"I want to shoot him; just tell him so."  And when,
on demurring, I swore I would go and pull the captain's
nose on the ground, Wilder agreed to settle the business for me; and I returned to our party.
It was quite clear that we could not stay longer in




11 8        FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
the gardens. Lowe's carriage was not to come for an
hour yet; for the banker would not expend money in
stabling his horses at the inn, and had accordingly sent
them back to Bonn. What should we do? There is a
ruined castle at Godesberg, which looks down upon the
fair green plain of the Rhine, where Mr. Blintzner's
house stands (and let the reader be thankful that I don't
give a description of scenery here): there' is, I say, a
castle at Godesberg.  "Ecxplorons le shatto," said I;
which elegant French Hirsch translated; and this sug.
gestion was adopted by the five Israelites, to the fairestof whom I offered my arm. The lovely Minna took it,
and away we went; Wilder, who was standing at the
gate, giving me a nod, to say all was right. I saw him
presently strolling up the hill after me, with a Prussian
officer, with whom he was talking. Old Lbwe was with
his daughter, and as the old banker was infirm, the pair
walked but slowly. Monsieur Hirsch had given his
arm to Madam Solomon. She was a fat woman; the
consequence was, that Minna and I were soon considerably ahead of the rest of the party, and were ascending
the hill alone. I said several things to her, such as only
lovers say. " Cor il fay bo issy," says I, in the most
insinuating way. No answer. "Es ist etwas kalt,"
even I continued, admirably varying my phrase. She
did not speak; she was agitated by the events of the
evening, and no wonder.
That fair round arm resting on mine,-that lovely creature walking by my side in the calm moonlight,-the
silver Rhine flashing before us, with Drachenfels and the
Seven Mountains rising clear in the distance,-the music
of the dance coming up to us from the plain below,



MISS LOWE.                 119
the path winding every now and then into the darkest
foliage, and at the next moment giving us rich views
of the moonlit river and plain below. Could any man
but feel the influence of a scene so exquisitely lovely?
"Minna," says I, as she wouldn't speak,-" Minna, I
love you; you have known it long, long ago, I know
you have. Nay, do not withdraw  your hand; your
heart has spoken for me. Be line then!" and taking
her hand, I kissed it rapturously, and should have proceeded to her cheek, no doubt, when    she gave me
aswinging box on the ear, started back, and incontinently fell a screaming as loudly as any woman ever
did.
":Minna, Minna!" I heard the voice of that accursed
Hirsch shouting.  "Minna, meine gattin " and he
rushed up the hill; and Minna flung herself into his
arms, crying, " Lorenzo, my husband, save me!"
The Ljwe family, Wilder, and his friend, came skurrying up the hill at the same time; and we formed
what in the theatres they call a tableau.
"You coward!" says Minna, her eyes flashing fire,
"who could see a woman insulted, and never defend
her?"' You coward!" roared Hirschl; "coward as well as
profligate!  You communicated to  me your lawless
love for this angel,-to me, her affianced husband; and
you had the audacity to send her letters, not one of
which, so help me Heaven, has been received. Yes,
you will laugh at Jews,-will you, you brutal Englishman? You will insult our people, —will you, you stupid
islander? Psha! I spit upon you!" and here Monsieur
Hirsch snapped his fingers in my face, holding Minna




120          FITZ-BOODLE'8 CONFESSIONS.
at the same time round the waist, who thus became the
little monster's buckler.
*       *        *       *.    *         *
They presently walked away, and left me in a pleasant condition. I was actually going to fight a duel on
the morrow for the sake of this fury, and it appeared
she had flung me off for cowardice.  I had allowed
myself to be swindled by her father, and insulted by
her filthy little bridegroom, and for what?  All the
consolation I got from Wilder was,-" I told you tho,
my boy, but you wouldn't lithn, you great thoopid.,
blundewing ignowanuth; and now I shall have to thee
you shot and buwied to-morrow; and I dare thay you,
won't even. remember  ine in your will.  Captain
Schlager," continued he, presenting me to his companion, "Mr. Fitz-Boodle; the captain acts for ITeerpauk in the morning, and we were just talking matters
over, when Webecca yonder quied out, and we found
her in the armth of Bwian de Bois Guilbert here."
Captain Schlager was a little, social, good-humoured
man, with a moustachio of a straw and silver mixed, and
a brilliant purple sabre-cut across a rose-coloured nose.
He had the iron-cross at his button-hole, and looked, as
he was, a fierce little fighter.  But he was too kindhearted to allow of two boys needlessly cutting each
other's throats; and much to the disappointment of
Wilder, doubtless, who had been my second in the Martingale affair, and enjoyed no better sport, he said in
English, laughing, "Vell, make your mint easy, my
goot young man, I tink you af got into enough sgrabes
about dis tam  Shewess; and that you and Heerpauk
haf no need' to blow each other's brains off."




MISS LbOWE.                 121
"Ath for Fitth apologithing," burst out Wilder,
" that'th out of the quethtion. We gave the challenge,
you know; and how the dooth ith we to apologithe
now?
"He gave the challenge, and you took it, and you
are de greatest fool of de two. I say the two young
men shall not fight;" and then the honest captain
entered into a history of the worthy family of Israel,
which would have saved me at least fifty pounds had I
known it sooner. It did not differ in substance fiom
what Rohr and Wilder had both told me in the morning.  The venerable Lowe was a great thief and extortioner; the daughters were employed as decoy-ducks,
in the first place, for the university and the garrison,
and afterwards for young strangers, such as my wise
self, who visited the place.  There was some very
sad story about the elder Miss Lowe and a tutor from
St. John's College, Cambridge, who came to Bonn on a
reading tour; but I am not at liberty to set down here
the particulars.  And with regard to Minna, there was
a still more dismal history.  A fine, handsome young
student, the pride of the university, had first ruined
himself through the offices of the father, and then shot
himself for love of the daughter; fiom which time the
whole town had put the family into Coventry; nor had
they appeared for two years in public until upon the
present occasion with me.  As for Monsieur Hirsch, he
did not care. He was of a rich Frankfort family of the
people, serving his apprenticeship with Lowe, a cousin,
and the destined husband of the younger daughter.
He traded as much as he could on his own account,
and would run upon any errand, and buy or sell any
9




122          FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
thing for a consideration. And so, instead of fighting
Captain Heerpauk, I agreed willingly enough to go
back to the hotel of Godesberg, and shake hands with
that officer.   The  reconciliation,  or, rather, the
acquaintance between us, was effected over a bottle
of wine, at Mr. Blintzner's hotel; and we rode comfortably back in a drosky together to Bonn, where the
friendship was still more closely cemented by a supper.
At the close of the repast, Heerpauk made a speech on
England, fatherland, and German truth and love, and
kindly saluted me with a kiss, which is at any lady's
service who peruses this little narrative.
As for Mr. Hirsch, it must be confessed, to my
shame, that the next morning a gentleman having the
air of an old clothesnan off duty presented me with an
envelope, containing six letters of my composition
addressed to Miss Minna Lowe (among them was a
little poem in English, which has since called tears from
the eyes of more than one lovely girl); and, furthermore, a letter from himself, in which he, Baron Hirsch,
of Hirschenwald (the scoundrel, like my friend Wilder,
purchased his title in the " Awthtwian Thervith")-in
which he, I say, Baron Hirsch, of  irsschenwald, challenged me for insulting Miss Minna Lowe, or demanded
an apology.
This, I said, Mr. Hirsch might have whenever he
chose to come and fetch it, pointing to a horsewhip
which lay in a corner; but that he must come early,
as I proposed to quit Bonn the next morning.  The
baron's friend, hearing this, asked whether I would like
some remarkably fine cigars for my excursion, which
he could give me a great bargain? He was then shewn




MISS LOWE.                 123
to the door by my body-servant; nor did Hirsch von
Hirschenwald come for the apology.
Twice every year, however, I get a letter from him,
dated Frankfort, and proposing to make me a present
of a splendid palace in Austria or Bohemia, or 200,000
florins, should I prefer money.  I saw his lady at
Frankfort only last year, in a front box at the theatre,
loaded with diamonds, and at least sixteen stone in
weight.
Ah! Minna, Minna! thou mayest grow to be as
ugly as sin, and as fat as Daniel Lambert, but I have
the amber mouth-piece still, and swear that the prettiest
lips in Jewry have kissed it!
The MS. here concludes with a rude design of a
young lady smoking a pipe.




124         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
DOROTHEA.
THE reason why my Memoirs have not been continued
with that regularity which, I believe, is considered requisite by professional persons, in order to ensure the
success of their work, is a very simple one-I have been
otherwise engaged; and as I do not care one straw
whether the public do or do not like my speculations
(heartily pitying, and at the salme time despising, those
poor devils who write under different circumstances)as I say, I was in Scotland shooting grouse for some
time past, coming home deucedly tired of evenings,
which I devoted to a cigar and a glass of toddy, it was
quite impossible to satisfy the curiosity of the public.
I bagged 1114 brace of grouse in sixty days, besides
dancing in kilt before her M-y at Bl-r Ath-l.  By
the way, when Mr. F-x M —le gives away cairngorums, he may as well say whose property they are.
I lent the man the very stone out of a snuff-mull with
which Charles Edward complimented my great-greataunt, Flora MacWhirter.
The worthy publisher sent me down his Magazine to
Dunkeld (a good deal of it will be found in wadding
over the moors, and perhaps in the birds which I sent
him), and, at the same time, he dispatched some cri



DOROTIEA.                   125
tiques, both epistolary and newspaperacious, upon the
former chapter of ny Memoirs. The most indignant of
the manuscript critiques came from  a member of the
Hebrew persuasion.  And what do you think is the
opinion of this Lion of Judah?  Simply that George
Savage Fitz-Boodle is a false name, assumed by some
coward, whose intention it is to insult the Jewish
religion! He says that my history of the Lowe family
is a dastardly attack upon the people! How is it so?
If I say that an individual Christian is a rogue, do I
impugn the professors of the whole Christian religion?
Can my Hebrew critic say that a Hebrew banker never
cheated in matters of exchange, or that a Hebrew was
never guilty of a roguery? If so, what was the golddust robbery, and why is Ikey Solomons at Botany
Bay?  No; the Lion of Judah may be a good lion, but
he is a deucedly bad arguer,-nay, he is a bad lion, he
roars before he is hurt.  Be calm, thou red-maned
desert-roarer, the arrows of Fitz-Boodle have no poison
at their tip, and are shot only in play.
I never wished to attack the Jewish nation; far from
it, I have three bills now out; nor is he right in saying
that I have made a dastardly statement, which I have
given under a false name; just the contrary, my name
is, as everybody knows, my real name,-it is the statement which is false, and I confess there is not one word
of truth in it-I never knew, to my knowledge, any
Hirsch or Lowe in my life; I never was with Minna
Lowe; the adventures never did occur at Bonn.  Is
my friend now satisfied?  Let him  remember, in the
first place, that the tale is related of individuals, and not
of his people at large; and in the second place, that




126          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
the statement is not true.  If that won't satisfy him,
what will?  Rabbi, let us part in peace! Neither thee
nor thy like would George Fitz-Boodle ever willingly
harm-neither thee nor any bearded nor unbearded
man.  If there be no worse rogues in Jewry, the people
is more lucky than the rest of the world, and the fact
is good to be known.
And now  for the second objections.   These  are
mainly of one kind-most of the journalists, from
whose works pleasing extracts have been made, concurring in stating, that the last paper, which the Hebrew
thought so dangerous, was, what is worse still, exceedingly stupid.
This disgusting  unanimity of sentiment at first
annoyed me a good deal, for I was pained to think
that success so soon bred envy, and that the members
of the British press could not bear to see an amateur
enter the lists with them, and carry off laurels for which
they had been striving long years in vain. Is there no
honesty left in the world, I thought? And the thought
gave me extreme pain, for, though (as in the Hebrew
case above mentioned) I love occasionally to disport
with the follies and expose the vices of individuals, to
attribute envy to a whole class is extremely disagreeable
to one whose feelings are more than ordinarily benevolent and pure.
An idea here struck me.  I said to myself, "FitzBoodle! perhaps the paper is stupid, and the critics are
right."  I read the paper: I found that it was abominably stupid, and, as I fell asleep over it, an immense
repose and calm  came over my mind, and I woke
reconciled with human nature.




DOROTHEA.                    127
Let authors consider the above fact well, and draw
their profit from it.  I have met with many men, who,
like myself, fancy themselves the victims of a conspiracy-martyrs; but, in the long run, the world and
the critics of nowadays are generally right; they praise
too much perhaps, they puff a small reputation into a
huge one, but they do not neglect much that is good;
and, if literary gentlemen would but bear this truth in
mind, what a deal of pain and trouble might they spare
themselves! There would be no despair, ill-humour,
no quarrelling with your fellow-creatures, nor jaundiced
moody looks upon nature and the world.  Instead of
crying the world is wicked-all men are bad, is it not
wiser, my brethren, to say, " I am an ass?" let me be
content to know that, nor anathematise universal mankind for not believing in me. It is a well-known fact,
that no natural man can see the length of his own ears;
it is only the glass-the reflection that shows them  to
him.  Let the critics be our glass, I am  content to
believe that they are pretty honest, that they are not
actuated by personal motives of hatred in falling foul
of me and others; and this being premised, I resume
the narration of my adventures.  If this chapter don't
please them, they must, indeed, be very hard to amuse.
Beyond sparring and cricket, I do not recollect I
learned any thing useful at Slaughter House School,
where I was educated (according  to an old family
tradition, which sends particular generations of gentlemen to particular schools in the kingdom; and such is
the force of habit, that, though I hate the place, I shall
send my own son thither too, should I marry any day)
I say I learned little that was useful at Slaughter




128         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
House, and nothing that was ornamental. I would as
soon have thought of learning to dance as of learning
to climb chimneys. Up to the age of seventeen, as I
have shewn, I had a great contempt for the female
race, and when age brought with it warmer and juster
sentiments, where was I?-I could no more dance nor
prattle to a young girl than a young bear could. I
have seen the ugliest, little, low-bred wretches, carrying
off young and lovely creatures, twirling with them  in
waltzes, whispering  between  their glossy  curls in
quadrilles, simpering with perfect equanimity, and
cutting pas in that abominable cavalier seul, until my
soul grew sick with fury. In a word, I determined to
learn to dance.
But such things are hard to be acquired late in life,
when the bones and the habits of a man are formed.
Look at a man in a hunting field who has not been
taught to ride as a boy. All the pluck and courage in
the world will not make the man of him that I am, or
as any man who has had the advantages of early
education in the field.
In the same way with dancing.  Though I went to
work with immense energy, both in Brewer Street,
Golden Square (with an advertising fellow), and afterwards with old Coulon at Paris, I never was able to be
easy in dancing; and though little Coulon instructed
me in a smile, it was a cursed forced one, that looked
like the grin of a person in extreme agony. I once
caught sight of it in a glass, and have hardly ever
smiled since.
Most young men about London have gone through
that strange secret ordeal of the dancing-school. I am




DOROTHEA.                  129
given to understand, that young snobs from attorneys'
offices, banks, shops, and the like, make not the least
mystery of their proceedings in the saltatory line, but
trip gaily, with pumps in hand, to some dancing place
about Soho, waltz and quadrille it with Miss Greengrocer or Miss Butcher, and fancy they have had rather
a pleasant evening.  There is one house in Dover
Street, where, behind a dirty curtain, such -ig'ures may
be seen hopping every night, to a perpetual fiddling;
and I have stood sometimes wondering in the streets,
with about six blackguard boys wondering too, at the
strange contortions of the figures jumping up and down
to the mysterious squeaking of the kit.  Have they no
shame ces gens? are such degrading initiations to be
held in public?  No, the snob may, but the man of
refined mind never can submit to shew himself in public
labouring at the apprenticeship of this most absurd art.
It is owing, perhaps, to this modesty, and the fact that
I had no sisters at home, that I have never thoroughly
been able to dance; for though I always arrive at the
end of a quadrille (and thank Heaven for it too!) and
though, I believe, I make no mistake in particular, yet
I solemnly confess I have never been able thoroughly
to comprehend the mysteries of it, or what I have been
about from the beginning to the end of the dance.  I
always look at the lady opposite, and do as she does;
if she did not know how to dance, par hazard, it would
be all up; but if they can't do any thing else, women
can dance, let us give them that praise at least.
In London, then, for a considerable time, I used to
get up at eight o'clock in the morning, and pass an
hour alone with Mr. Wilkinson, of the Theatres Royal,
6*




130         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
in Golden Square;-an hour alone.  It was "one, two,
three; one, two, three-now jump-right foot more
out, Mr. Smith; and if you could, try and look a little
more cheerful; your partner, sir, would like you hall
the better."  Wilkinson called me Smith, for the fact
is, I did not tell him my real name, nor (thank Heaven!)
does he know it to this day.
I never breathed a word of my doings to any soul
among my friends; once a pack of them met me in the
strange neighbourhood, when, I am ashamed to say, I
muttered something about a "little French milliner,"
and walked off, looking as knowing as I could.
In Paris, two Cambridge men and myself, who
happened to be staying at a boarding-house together,
agreed to go to Coulon, a little creature of four feet
high with a pig-tail.  His room was hung round with
glasses. He made us take off our coats, and dance
each before a mirror; once he was standing before us
playing on his kit-the sight of the little master and
the pupil was so supremely ridiculous, that I burst into
a yell of laughter, which so offended the old man, that
he walked away abruptly, and begged me not to repeat
my visits. Nor did 1. I was just getting into waltzing
then, but determined to drop waltzing and content
myself with quadrilling for the rest of my days.
This was all very well in France and England; but
in Germany, what was I to do? What did Hercules
do when Omphale captivated him?  What did Rinaldo do when Armida fixed upon him her twinkling
eyes? Nay, to cut all historical instances short, by
going at once to the earliest, what did Adam do when
Eve tempted him? he yielded and became her slave,




DOROTHEA.                     131
and so do I heartily trust every honest man will yield
until the end of the world-he has no heart who will
not.  When I was in Germany, I say, I began to learn
to walfz.  The reader fromi  this will no doubt expect,
that some new love-adventures befell lme-nor will his
gentle heart be disappointed.  Two deep and tremendous incidents occurred which shall be notified on the
present occasion.
The reader, perhaps, remembers the brief appearance of his Higyhness the Duke of Kalbsbraten Pumpernickel, at B     House, in the first part of my Memoirs,
at that unlucky period of my life when the Duke was
led to remark the odour about my clothes, which lost
me the hand of Mary M'Alister.  After the upshot of
the affair with Minna LUwe, (T cannot say but that for
a time I was dreadfully  cut up by her behaviour), I
somehow found myself in his Iigihness's territories, of
which anybody may    r ead a description in the Almanach
de Gothcw.  His Ilighness's father, as is well known,
married EInilia Kunegunda Thomasina Charleria Emanuela Louisa Georgiina, Princess of Saxe-Pumpernickel,
and a cousin of his Highlness tlhe Duke. Thus the two
principalities were united under one happy sovereign in
the person of Philibert Sioi- mund Emnanuel Maria, the
reigning Duke, who has receixed Tfrom his country (on
account of the celebrated pt1ump which he erected in the
market place of Kalbsbraten) the well-merited appellation of the Magnificent. The alleoory which the statues
round about the pump represent, is of a very mysterious
and complicated sort.  Minerva is observed leading up
Ceres to a river god,  hllo hais his arms round the neck
of Pomona; while Mars  (in a full-bottomed wig) is




132           FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
driven away by Peace, under whose mantle two lovely
children representing the Duke's two provinces, repose.
The celebrated Speck is, as need scarcely be said, the
author of this piece; and of other magnificent edifices
in the Residenz, such as the guard-room, the skittle-hall
(Grossherzo:ylicl Karlbibrak ten ptumpee'rnickelisch schkillelspiel sa.l), &c., and the superb sentry-boxes before
the grand-ducal palace.  tIe is Kniglht Grand Cross of
the ancient Kartoffel order, as, indeed, is almost every
one else in his Hiohness's dominions.
The town of Kalbsbraten contains a population of
two thousand inhabitants, and a palace which would
accommodate about six times that number.  The principality sends three and a half men to the German
Confederation, who are commanded by a general (excellency), two major-generals, and sixty-four officers of
lower grades; all noble, all knights of tlhe order, and
almost all chamberlains to his Highness the Grand
Duke.  An excellent band of eighty performers is the
admiration of the surrounding country, and leads the
grand-ducal troops to battle in time of war. Only three
of the contingent of soldiers returned fiomn the battle
of Waterloo, where they won much honour; the remainder was cut to pieces on that glorious day.
There is a chamber of representatives (which, however, nothing can induce to sit), home and  foreign
ministers, residents from  neighbouring courts, law presidents, town councils, &c., all the adjuncts of a big or
little government.  The court has its chamberlains and
marshals, the Grand Duchess her noble ladies in waiting
and blushing maids of honour.  Thou wert one, Dorothea!  Dost remember the poor young  Englander?




DOROTHEA.                        133
We parted in anger; but I think-I think  thou hast
not forgotten him.
The way in which I have Doorothea von Speck  present to mv mind is this, —not as I first saw her in the
garden, for her hair was in bandeaux then, and a large
Leg'lorn lhat, with a deep riband, covered half her fair
face,  not in a morning-dress, which, by the way, was
none of the newest nor the best made —but as I saw
her afterwards at a ball at the pleasant, splendid little
court, w-here sthe moved the most beautiful of the beauties of Kalbsbraten.  The grand saloon of the palace is
lighltedlthe (Grand Duke and his officers, the Duchess
and her ladies, have passed throulgh.  I, in my uniform
ofe he       th, and a nulmber of youIng fellows (who are
evicdentlv admliringn mv leo's aInd envvingo my distingued
ippearance), are waiting roundl the entrance-door, where
a huoge IlHeduke is standing,  nd a-nnouncing the titles
of the guests as they arrive.
" HIEl  OBERIIOFb U-I) BAr  TISPErTOnR  ON SPECI  I"
shouts the llevduke; and the little inspector comes in.
HIlis ladv is on his arm — hu'e, in towerini' plumes, and
hler faxvouite  costume  of  liglit blue.   Fair wvoen
always dress in light blue or liglht gieen; and Frau von
Speck is very f'ilr a.nd stout.
But who comes behind her?  T.ieber tIiinnel   It is
Dorothea!  Iid  earth, almonog a11 the flowers which
Lave sprunug from  its bosom, pt'oduce ever one more
beautiful?  She was none of your helavenly beauties,
I tell you.  She had nothing etherial about her.  No,
sir; she was of the earth earthy, and must have weighed
ten stone four or five, if she weighed  an ounce.  She
had none of your Chinese feet, nor waspy, unhealthy




134           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
waists, which those may admire who will. No; Dora's
foot was a good stout one; you could see her ankle
(if her robe was short enough) without the aid of a
microscope; and that envious, little, sour, skinny Amalia
von Mangelwurzel, used to hold  up her four fingers,
and say (the two girls were most intimate friends, of
course), " Dear Dorothea's vaist is so much dicker as
dis;" and so I have no doubt it was.
But what then?  Goethe sings in one of his divine
epigrams:"Epicures vaunting their taste, entitle me vulgar and savage,
Give them their Brussels-sprouts, but I am contented with
cabbage."
I hate vour little women, that is when I am  in love
with a tall one; and who would not have loved Dorothea?
Fancy her, then, if you please, about five feet four
inches higll-faney her in the family colour of liglht
blue, a little scarf coveringo the most brilliant shoulders
in the world; and  a pair of gloves clinging  close
round  an arm  that may, perhaps, be somewhat too
large now, but that Juno might have envied then.
After the fashion of youno ladies on the continent, she
wears no jewels or gimcracksc; her only ornament is a
wreath of vine-leaves in her hair, with little clusters of
artificial grapes.  Down  on  her shoulders falls the
brown hair, in rich liberal clusters; all that health, and
good-humour, and beauty, can do for her face, kind
Nature has done for hers.  Her eyes are frank, sparkling, and kind.  As for her cheeks, what paint-box or
dictionary contains pignments or words to describe their




DOROTHEA.                    135
red   They say she opens her mouth and smiles always
to shew the dimples in her cheeks.  Psha! she smiles
because she is happy, and kind, and good-humoured,
and not because her teeth are little pearls.
All the young fellows crowd up to asl her to dance,
and taking from her waist a little mother-of-pearl remembrancer, she notes them down.  Old Schnabel for
the Polonaise; Klingenspohr, first waltz; Haarbart,
second waltz; Count Hornpieper (the Danish envoy),
third; and so on.  I have said why I could not ask
her to waltz, and turned away with a pang, and played
ecart6 with Colonel Trumpenpack all night.
In thus introducing this lovely creature in her ballcostume, I have been somewhat premature, and had
best go back to the beginning of the history of my
acquaintance with her.
Dorothea, then, was the daughter of the celebrated
Speck before mentioned.  It is one of the oldest names
in Germany, where her father's and mother's houses,
those of Speck and Eyer, are loved wherever they are
known.  Unlike his warlike progenitor, Lorenzo Von
Speck, Dorothea's father had early shewn himself a
passionate admirer of art; had quitted home to study
architecture in Italy, and had become celebrated throughout Europe, and Ober Iof architekt, and Kunstundbau
inspektor of the united principalities.  They are but
four miles wide, and his genius has consequently but
little room  to play.  What art can do, however, he
does.  The palace is frequently  whitewashed  under
his eyes; the theatre painted occasionally; the noble
public buildings erected, of which I have already mlade
mention.




136           FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
Smarting with recollections of AMinna, I had come to
Kalbsbraten, scarce knowing whither I went; and having, in about ten minutes, seen the curiosities of the
place (I did not care to see the king's palace, for chairs
and tables have no great charm for me), I had ordered
horses, and wanted to get on I cared not whither, when
Fate threw Dorothea in my way.  I was yawning back
to the hotel through the palace-garden, a valet-de-place
at my side, when I saw a young lady seated under a
tree reading a novel, her mamma on the same bench (a
fat woman in light blue) knitting a stocking, and two
officers, choked in their stays, with various orders on
their spinach-coloured coats, standing by in first attitudes-the one was caressing the fat-lady-in-blue's little
dog; the other was twirling his own moustache which
was already as nearly as possible curled into his own
eye.
I don't know how it is, but I hate to see men, evidently intimate with nice-looking women, and on good
terms with themselves. There's something annoying in
their cursed complacency-their evident sunshiny happiness.  I've no woman to make sunshine for me; and
yet my heart tells me, that not one, but several such
suns, would do good to lmy system.
" Who are those pert-looking officers," says I, peevishly, to the guide, " who are talking to those vulgarlooking women 01
"The big one, with the epaulets, is Major von Schnabel; the little one, with the pale face, is Stiefel von
Klingenspohr."
"And the big blue woman V"
"The Grand-ducal Pumpernickelian-court-architec~




DOROTHEA.                  137
tress and Upper Palace-and-building-inspectress, Von
Speck, born V. Eyer," replied the guide.  " Your wellborn honour has seen the pump in the market-place;
that is the work of the great Von Speck."
"And yonder young person?"
Mr. Court-architect's daughter; the Frailein Dorothea."
Dorothea looked up from her novel here, and turned
her face towards the stranger who was passing, and
then blushing turned it down again.  Schnabel looked
at me with a scowl, Klingenspohr with a simper, the
dog with a yelp, the fat lady in blue just gave one
glance, and seemed, I thought, rather well pleased.
"Silence, Lischen!" said she to the dog.  "Go on,
darling Dorothea," she added, to her daughter, who
continued her novel.
Her voice was a little tremulous, but very low and
rich. For some reason or other, on getting back to the
inn, I countermanded the horses, and said I would stay
for the night.
I not only staid that night, but many, many afterwards, and as for the manner in which I became
acquainted with the Speck family, why it was a good
joke against me at the time, and I did not like then to
have it known, but now it may as well come out at
once. Speck, as every body knows, lives in the marketplace, opposite his grand work of art, the town-pump,
or fountain. I bought a large sheet of paper, and having a knack at drawing, sat down, with the greatest
gravity, before the pump, and sketched it for several
hours. I knew it would bring out old Speck to see.




138          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
At first he contented himself by flattening his nose
against the window-glasses of his study, and looking
what the Englander was about.  Then he put on his
grey cap with the huge green shade, and sauntered to
the door: then he walked round me, and formed one
of a band of street-idlers who were looking on: then at
last he could restrain himself no more, but pulling off
his cap, with a low bow, began to discourse upon arts
and architecture in particular.
"It is curious," says he, "that you have taken the
same view of which a print las been engraved."
" That is extraordinary," says I, (though it wasn't,
for I had traced my drawing at a window off the very
print in question.) I added that I was, like all the
world, immensely struck with the beauty of the edifice;
heard of it at Rome, where it was considered to be superior to any of the celebrated fountains of that capital
of the fine arts; finally, that if, perhaps, the celebrated
fountain of Aldgate in London might compare with it,
Kalbsbraten building, except in that case, was incomparable.
This speech I addressed in French, of which  the
worthy Hof-architekt understood somewhat, and continuing  to reply in German, our conversation grew
pretty close.  It is singular that I can talk to a man,
and pay him  compliments with the utmost gravity,
whereas, to a woman, I at once lose all self-possession,
and have never said a pretty thing in my life.
My operations on old Speck were so conducted, that
in a quarter of an hour I had elicited from him an invitation to go over the town with him, and see its architectural beauties.  So we walked through the huge




DOROTHEA.                 139
half-furnished chambers of the palace, we panted up the
copper pinnacle of the church-tower, we went to see the
Museum  and Gymnasium, and coming back into the
market-place again, what could the HIof-architekt do
but offer me a glass of wine and a seat in his house?
He introduced me to his gattin, his Leocadia (the fat
woman in blue), " as a young world observer, and
worthy art-friend, a young scion of British Adel, who
had come to refresh himself at the urquellece of his
race, and see his brethren of the great family of Herrman."
I saw instantly that the old fellow was of a romantic
turn, from this rhodomontade to his lady: nor was she
a whit less so; nor was Dorothea less sentimental than
her mamma.  She knew  every thing regarding the
literature of Albion, as she was pleased to call it; and
asked me news of all the famous writers there. I told
her that Miss Edgeworth was one of the loveliest young
beauties at our court; I described to her Lady Morgan,
herself as beautiful as the wild Irish girl she drew;
I promised to give her a signature of Mrs. Hemans
(which I wrote for her that very evening); and described a fox-hunt, at which I had seen Thomas Moore and
Samuel Rogers, Esquires; and a boxing-match, in which
the athletic author of Pelham was pitched against the
hardy mountain-bard, Wordsworth. You see my education was not neglected, for though I have never read
the works of the above-named ladies and gentlemen,
yet I knew their names well enough.
Time passed away.-I, perhaps, was never so brilliant
in conversation as when excited by the Assmanshauser
and the brilliant eyes of Dorothea that day. She and




140          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
her parents had dined at their usual heathen hour; but
I was, I don't care to own it, so smitten, that, for the
first time in my life, I did not even miss the meal, and
talked on until six o'clock, when tea was served. Madame Speck said they always drunk it; and so placing
a tea-spoonful of bohea in a caldron of water, she
placidly handed out this decoction, which we took with
cakes and sardines. I leave you to imagine how disgusted Klingenspohr and Schnabel looked when they
stepped in as usual that evening to make their party of
whist with the Speck family! Down they were obliged
to sit-and the lovely Dorothea, for that night, declined to play altogether, and-sat on the sofa by me.
What we talked about, who shall tell    I would
not, for my part, break the secret of one of those delicious conversations, of which I and every man in his
time have held so many.  You begin, very probably,
about the weather-'tis a common subject, but what
sentiments the genius of Love can fling into it!  I
have often, for my part, said to the girl of my heart for
the time being, "It's a fine day," or, "It's a rainy
morning!" in a way that has brought tears to her eyes.
Something beats in your heart, and twangle! a corresponding string thrills and echoes in hers. You offer
her any thing-her knitting-needles, a slice of bread
and butter —what causes the grateful blush with which
she accepts the one or the other?  Why she sees your
heart handed over to her upon the needles, and the
bread and butter is to her a, sandwich with love inside
it. If you say to your grandmother, " Ma'am, it's a
fine day," or what not, she would see no other meaning than their outward and visible view, but say so to




DOROTHEA.                 141
the girl you love, and she understands a thousand
mystic meanings in them. Thus in a word, though
Dorothea and I did not, probably, on the first night of
our meeting, talk of any thing more than the weather,
or trumps, or some subjects which, to such listeners as
Schnabel and Klingenspohr and others, might appear
quite ordinary, yet to us they had a different signification, of which Love alone held the key.
Without further ado then, after the occurrences of
that evening, I determined on staying at Kalbsbraten,
and presenting my card the next day to the Hof-Marshall requesting to have the honour of being presented
to his highness the prince, at one of whose court-balls
my Dorothea appeared as I have described her.
It was summer when I first arrived at Kalbsbraten.
The little court was removed to Siegmundslust, his
highness's country-seat; no balls were taking place,
nidin consequence, I held my own with Dorothea pretty
well  I treated her admirer Lieutenant Klingenspohr
with perfect scorn, had a manifest advantage over Major
Schnabel, and used somehow to meet the fair one every
day walking in company with her mamma in the palace
garden, or sitting under the acacias, with Belotte in her
mother's lap, and the favourite romance beside her.
Dear, dear Dorothea! what a number of novels she
must have read in her time! She confesses to me that
she had been in love with Uncas, with Saint Preux,
with Ivanhoe, and with hosts of German heroes of
romance; and when I asked her, if she, whose heart
was so tender towards imaginary youths, had never had
a preference for any one of her living adorers, she only
looked, and blushed, and sighed, and said nothing.




142         FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
You see I had got on as well as man could do, until
the confounded court season and the balls began, and
then-why, then came my usual luck.
Waltzing is a part of a German girl's life. With
the best will in the world, which, I doubt not, she enter-,tains for me, for I never put the matter of marriage
directly to her-Dorothea could not go to balls and not
waltz. It was madness to me to see her whirling round
the room with officers, attaches, prim little chamberlains- with gold keys and embroidered coats, her hair
floating in the wind, her hand reposing upon the
abominable little dancer's epaulet, her good-humoured
face lighted up with still greater satisfaction.  I saw
that I must learn to waltz too, and took my measures
accordingly.
The leader of the ballet at the Kalbsbraten theatre
in my time was Springbock, from  Vienna. He had
been a regular Zephyr once,'twas said, in his younger
days; and though now fifteen stone weight, I can, helas!
recommend him  conscientiously as a master; and
determined to take some lessons from him in the art
which I had neglected so foolishly in early life.
It may be said, without vanity, that I was an apt
pupil, and in the course of half-a-dozen lessons I had
arrived at very considerable agility in the waltzing line
and could twirl round the room with him at such a
pace as made the old gentleman pant again, and hardly
left him breath enough to puff out a compliment to his
pupil. I may say, that in a single week I became an
expert waltzer; but as-  wished when I came out publicly in that character, to be  ite sure of myself, and as
I had hitherto practised not with a lady, but with a very




DOROTHEA.                  143
fat old man, it was agreed that he should bring a lady
of his acquaintance to perfect me, and accordingly, at
my eighth lesson, Madam Springbock herself came to
the dancing-room, and the old Zephyr performed on the
violin.
If any man ventures the least sneer with regard to
this lady, or dares to insinuate any thing disrespectful
to her or myself, I say at once, that he is an impudent
calumniator.  Madam Springbock is old enough to be
my grandmother, and as ugly a woman as I ever saw;
but though old, she was passionnee pour la danse, and
not having (on account, doubtless, of her age and unprepossessing appearance) many opportunities of indulging in her favourite pastime, made up for lost
time by immense activity whenever she could get a:partner. In vain, at the end of the hour, would
Springbock exclaim, " Amalia, my soul's blessing, the
time is up!"  "Play on, dear Alphonso!" would the
old lady exclaim, whisking me round: and though I
had not the least pleasure in such a homely partner,
yet for the sake of perfecting myself, I waltzed and
waltzed with her, until we were both half dead with
fatigue.
At the end of three weeks I could waltz as well as
any man in Germany.
At the end of four weeks there was a grand ball at
court in honour of H. H. the Prince of Dummerland
aud his princess, and then I determined I would come
out in public. I dressed myself with unusual care and
splendour. My hair was  curled and my moustache
dyed to a nicety; and of:the four hundred gentlemen
present, if the girls of Klb:braten did select one who




144          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
wore an English hussar uniform, why should I disguise the fact   In spite of my silence, the news had
somehow got abroad, as news will in such small towns,
-Herr von Fitz-Boodle was coming out in a waltz that
evening.  His highness the duke even made an allusion
to the circumstance.  When on this eventful night, I
went as usual, and made him my bow in the presentation,
" Vous, Monsieur," said he, "vous qui etes si jeune, devez
aimer la danse."  I blushed as red as my trousers, and
bowing, went away.
I stepped up to Dorothea.  Heavens! how beautiful
she looked! and how archly she smiled, as, with a
thumping heart, I asked her hand for a waltz!  She
took out her little mother-of-pearl dancing-book —she
wrote down my name with her pencil-we were engaged for the fourth waltz, and till then I left her to
other partners.
Who says that his first waltz is not a nervous
moment?  I vow I was more excited than by any duel
I ever fought.  I would not dance any contre-dance or
galop. I repeatedly went to the buffet and got glasses
of punch (dear simple Germany!'tis with rum-punch
and egg-flip thy children strengthen themselves for the
dance!)-I went into the'ball-room  and looked-the
couples bounded before me, the music clashed and rung
in my ears-all was fiery, feverish, indistinct.  The
gleaming white columns, the polished oaken floors
in which the innumerable tapers were reflected-all
together swam before my eyes, and I was in a pitch of
madness almost when the fourth waltz at length came.
" Will you dance with  your sword on?" said the
sweetest voice in the world. I blushed, stammered, and




DOROTHEA.                   145
trembled, as I laid down that weapon and my cap, and
hark! the music began!
Oh, how my hand trembled as I placed it round the
waist of Dorothea!  With my left hand I took her
right-did she squeeze it?  I think she did-to this day
I think she did.  Away we went; we tripped over the
polished oak floor like two young fairies.  " Courage,
msonsieur," said she, with her sweet smile; then it was
"Tres bien, mnonsieur;" then I heard the voices humming and buzzing about.  "II danse bien, l'Anylais:"
" Mafoi, oui," says another.  On we went, twirling, and
twisting, and turning and whirling; couple after couple
dropped panting off. Little Klingenspohr himself was
obliged to give in.  All eyes were upon us-we were
going round alone.  Dorothea was almost exhausted,
when
I have been sitting for two hours since I marked the
asterisks, thinking-thinking. I have committed crimes
in my life-who hasn't?  But talk of remorse, what
remorse is there like that which rushes up in a flood to
my brain sometimes when I am- alone, and causes me
to blush when I'm a-bed in the dark?
I fell, sir, on that infernal slippery floor.  Down we
came like shot; we rolled over and over in the midst
of the ball-room, the music going ten miles an hour,
800 pair of eyes fixed upon us, a cursed shriek of
laughter bursting out fiom  all sides.  Heavens! how
clear I heard it, as we went on rolling and rolling!
"My child! my Dcrothea!" shrieked out  Madame
Speck, rushing forward, and as soon as she had breath
to do so, Dorothea of course screamed too, then she
7




146         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
fainted, then she was disentangled from  out of my
spurs, and borne off by a bevy of tittering women.
"Clumsy brute!" said Madam Speck, turning her fat
back upon me. I remained upon my seant, wild,
ghastly, looking about. It was all up with me-I
knew it was. I wished I could have died there, and I
wish so still.
Klingenspohr married her, that is the long and short;
but before that event I placed a sabre-cut across the
young scoundrel's nose, which destroyed his beauty for
ever.
0 Dorothea! you can't forgive me-you oughtn't to
forgive me; but I love you madly still.
My next flame was Ottilia; but let us keep her for
another number, my feelings overpower me at present.
G. F. B.




OTTILIA.                    4
OTTILIA.
CHAPTER I.
THE ALBUM-THE MEDITERRANEAN HEATH.
TRAVELLING some little time back in a wild part of
Connamara, where I had been for fishing and sealshooting, I had the good luck to get admission to the
chateau of an hospitable Irish gentleman, and to procure some news of my once dear Ottilia.
Yes, of no other than Ottilia v. Schlippenschlopp,
the Muse of Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel, the fiiendly
little town far away in Sachsenland,-where old Speck
built the town-pump, where Klingenspohr was slashed
across the nose,-where Dorothea rolled over and over
in that horrible waltz with Fitz-Boo. Psha!
away with the recollection: but wasn't it strange to get
news of Ottilia in the wildest corner of Ireland, where
I never should have thought to hear her gentle name?
Walking on that very Urrisbeg mountain under whose
shadow  I heard Ottilia's name, Mackay, the learned
author of the Flora Patlandica, discovered the Mediterranean heath, —such a flower as I have often plucked
on the sides of Vesuvius, and as Proserpine, no doubt,
amused herself in gathering as she strayed in the fields
of Enna.  Here it is-the self-same flower, peering out




148          FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
at the Atlantic from Roundstone Bay; here, too, in this
wild lonely place, nestles the fragrant memory of my
Ottilia!
In a word, after a day on Ballylynch Lake (where,
with a brown fly and a single hail, I killed fourteen
salmon, the smallest twenty-nine pounds weight, the
largest somewhere about five stone ten), my young
friend Blake Bodkin Lynch Browne (a fine lad who has
made his Continental tour) and I, adjourned after dinner to the young gentleman's private room, for the purpose of smoking a certain cigar, which is never more
pleasant than after a hard day's sport, or a day spent
indoors, or after a good dinner, or a bad one, or at night
when you are tired, or in the morning when you are
fresh, or of a cold winter's day, or of a scorching summer's afternoon, or at any other moment you choose to
fix upon.
What should I see in Blake's room but a rack of
pipes, such as are to be found in almost all the bachelors' rooms in Germany, and amongst them  was a
porcelain pipe-head bearing the image of the Kalbsbraten pump! There it was, the old spout, the old familiar
allegory of Mars, Bacchus, Apollo virorum, and the
rest, that I had so often looked at from  llof-Architekt
Speck's window, as I sat there by the side of Dorothea.
The old gentleman had given me one of these very
pipes, for he had hundreds of them painted, wherewith
he used to gratify almost every stranger who came into
his native town.
Any old place with which I have once been familiar
(as, perhaps, I have before stated in these Confessions
-but never mind that) is in some sort dear to me:




OTTILIA.                 149
and were I Lord Shootingcastle or Colonel Popland, I
think after a residence of six months there I should love
the Fleet Prison. As I saw the old familiar pipe, I took
it down, and crammed it with Cavendish tobacco, and
lay down on a sofa, and puffed away for an hour wellnigh, thinking of old, old times.
" You're very entertaining to-night, Fitz," says young
Blake, who had made several tumblers of punch for me,
which I had gulped down without saying a word.
" Don't ye think ye'd be more easy in bed than snorting
and sighing there on my sofa, and groaning fit to make
me go hang myself?"
"I am thinking, Blake," says I, "about Pumpernickel,
where old Speck gave you this pipe."
"'Deed he did," replies the young man; "and did ye
know the old Bar'n?"
"I did," said I. "My friend, I have been by the
banks of the Bendemeer. Tell me, are the nightingales
still singing there, and do the roses still bloom?"
"The hwhat?" cries Blake; "what the divvle, Fitz,
are you growling about. Bendemeer's Lake's in Westmoreland, as I preshume; and as for roses and nightingales, I give ye my word it's Greek ye're talking to
me."  And Greek it very possibly was, for my young
friend, though as good across country as any man in
his county, has not that fine feeling and tender perception of beauty which may be found elsewhere, dear
madam.
" Tell me about Speck, Blake, and Kalbsbraten, and
Dorothea, and Klingenspohr her husband."
"He with the cut across the nose, is it " cried
Blake; "I know him well and his old wife."




150         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
"His old what, sir " cried Fitz-Boodle, jumping up
from his seat; " Klingenspohr's wife old?-Is he married again?-Is Dorothea then d-d-dead?"
"Dead!-no more dead than you are, only I take
her to be five-and-thirty; and when a woman has had
nine children, you know, she looks none the younger;
and I can tell ye, that when she trod on my corruns at
a ball at the Grand Juke's, I felt something heavier
than a feather on my foot."
" Madame de Klingenspohr, then," replied I, hesitating somewhat, " has grown rather-rather st-st-out?"
I could hardly get out the out, and trembled I don't
know why as I asked the question.
"Stout, begad!-she weighs fourteen stone, saddle
and bridle.  That's right, down goes my pipe-flop!
crash falls the tumbler into the fender! Break away,
my boy, and remember, whoever breaks a glass here
pays a dozen."
The fact was, that the announcement of Dorothea's
changed condition caused no small disturbance within
me, and I expressed it in the abrupt manner mentioned
by young Blake.
Roused thus from my reverie, I questioned the young
fellow about his residence at Kalbsbraten, which has
been always since the war a favourite place for our
young gentry, and heard with some satisfaction that
Potzdorff was married to the Behrenstein, Haarbart had
left the dragoons, the Crown Prince had broken with
the -; but mum! of what interest are all these
details to the reader, who has never been at friendly
little Kalbsbraten?
Presently Lynch reaches me down one of the three




OTTILIA.                   151
books that formed his library (the Racing Calendar and
a book of fishing-flies making up the remainder of the
set).  "And there's my album," says he; "you'll find
plenty of hands in it that you'll recognise, as you are an
old Pumpernickelaner." And so I did, in truth: it was
a little book after the fashion of German albums, in
which good simple little ledger every friend or acquaintance of the owner inscribes a poem or stanza from some
favourite poet or philosopher with the transcriber's own
name, as thus:
To the true house-friend, and beloved Irelandish youth:
"Sera nunquam est ad bonos mores ira:"
WACKERBART,
Professor at the Grand-Ducal Kalbsbratenpumpernicklish
Gymnasium.
Another writes:"Wander on roses and forget-me-not."
Amalia v. Nachtmutze.
Geb: v. Schlafrock.
With a flourish, and the picture mayhap of a rose.
Let the reader imagine some hundreds of these interesting inscriptions, and he will have an idea of the book.
Turning over the leaves I came presently on Dorothea's hand. There it was, the little, neat, pretty handwriting, the dear old up-and-down strokes that I had
not looked at for niany a long year,-the Mediterranean
heath, which grew on the sunniest banks of Fitz-Boodle's
existence, and here found, dear, dear, little sprig! in rude
Galwagian bog-lands.
"Look at the other side of the page," says Lynch




152           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
rather sarcastically (for I don't care to confess that I
kissed the name of " Dorothea v. Klingenspohr, born v.
Speck," written under an extremely feeble passage of
verse).  "Look at the other side of the paper!"
I did, and what do you think I saw?
I saw the writing of five of the little Klingenspohrs,
who have all sprung up since my time.
"Ha! ha! haw!' screamed the impertinent young
Irishman, and the story was all over Connamara and
Joyce's country in a day after.
CHAPTER  II.
OTTILIA  I  PARTICULAR.
Some kind critic who peruses these writings will,
doubtless, have the goodness to point out that the
simile of the Mediterranean heath is applied to  two
personages in this chapter-to Ottilia and Dorothea,
and say, Psha  the fellow is but a poor unimaginative
creature not to be able to find a simile a-piece at least
for the girls; how much better would we have done the
business I
Well, it is a very pretty simile; — the girls vere
rivals, were beautiful, I loved them both,-which should
have the sprig of heath?  Mr. Cruikshank (who has
taken to serious painting) is getting ready for the
Exhibition a fine piece, representing Fitz-Boodle on the
Urrisbeg Mountain, County Galway, Ireland, with a




OTTILIA.                  153
sprig of heath in his hand, hesitating, like Paris, on
which of the beauties he should bestow it. In the
background is a certain animal between two bundles of
hay, but that I take to represent the critics puzzled to
which of my young beauties to assign the choice.
If Dorothea had been as rich as Miss Coutts, and had
come to me the next day after the accident at the ball,
and said, " George, will you marry me?" it must not be
supposed I would have done any such thing.  That
dream had vanished for ever: rage and pride took the
place of love; and the only chance I had of recovering
from my dreadful discomfiture was by bearing it bravely,
and trying, if possible, to awaken a little compassion in
my favour. I limped home (arranging my scheme with
great presence of mind as I actually sat spinning there
on the ground), I limped home, sent for Pflastersticken,
the court-surgeon, and addressed him to the following
effect: "Pflastersticken," says I, "there has been an
accident at court of which you will hear. You will
send in leeches, pills, and the deuce knows what, and
you will say that I have dislocated my leg: for some
days you will state that I am in considerable danger;
and you are a good fellow and a man of courage I
know, for which very reason you can appreciate those
qualities in another; so mind, if you breathe a word of
my secret, either you or I must lose a life."
Away went the surgeon, and the next day all Kalbsbraten knew that I was on the point of death: I had
been delirious all night, had had eighty leeches, besides
I don't know how much medicine; but the Kalbsbrateners knew to a scruple. Whenever any body was ill,
this little kind society knew what medicines were pre7*




154          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
scribed, every body in the town knew what every body
had for her dinner. If Madam Rumpel had her satin
dyed ever so quietly, the whole society was on the qui
vive; if Countess Pultuski sent to Berlin for a new set
of teeth, not a person in Kalbsbraten but was ready to
compliment her as she put them on; if Potzdorff paid
his tailor's bill, or Muffinstein bought a piece of black
wax for his mustachios, it was the talk of the little city;
and so, of course, was my accident.  In their sorrow for
my misfortune, Dorothea's was quite forgotten, and
those eighty leeches saved me. I became interesting;
I had cards left at my door; and I kept my room for a
fortnight, during which time I read every one of M.
Kotzebue's plays.
At the end of that period I was convalescent, though
still a little lame. I called at old Speck's house and
apologized for my clumsiness, with the most admirable
coolness; I appeared at court, and stated calmly that
I did not intend to dance any more; and when Klingenspohr grinned, I told that young gentleman such a
piece of my mind as led to his wearing a large stickingplaster patch on his nose, which was split as neatly
down the middle as you would split an orange at
dessert.  In a word, what man could do to repair my
defeat, I did.
There is but one thing now of which I am ashamed
-of those killing epigrams which I wrote (Mon Dieu!
must I own it — but even the fury of my anger
proves the extent of my love!) against the Speck family.
They were handed about in confidence at court, and
made a frightful sensation.




OTTILIA.                    155
Is it possible?
There happened at Schloss P-mp-rn-ckel
A strange mishap our sides to tickle,
And set the people in a roar;A strange caprice of Fortune fickle:
I never thought at Pumpernickel
To see a SPECK upon the floor!
La Perfide Albion; or, a Caution to Waltzers.
"Come to the dance," the Briton said,
And forward D-r-th-a led,
Fair, fresh, and three-and-twenty!
Ah, girls, beware of Britons red!
What wonder that it turned her head!
SAT VERBUMI SAPIENTL
Reasons for not M2arrying.
"The lovely Miss S
Will surely say'yes,'
You've only to ask and try;"
"That subject we'll quit,"
Says Georgy the wit,
"I've a much better SPEC in my eye /"
This last epigram especially was voted so killing that
it flew like wildfire; and I know  for a fact that our
Chargb d'affaires at Kalbsbraten sent a courier express
with it to the Foreign Office in England, whence through
our amiable Foreign Secretary, Lord P-lm-rst-n, it made
its way into every fashionable circle, nay, I have reason
to believe caused a smile on the cheek of R-y-lty itself.
Now that Time has taken away the sting of these epigrams, there can be no harm in giving them; and'twas
well enough then to endeavour to hide under the lash




156         FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
of wit the bitter pangs of humiliation; but my heart
bleeds now to think that I should have ever brought a
tear on the gentle cheek of Dorothea.
Not content with this, with humiliating her by satire,
and with wounding her accepted lover across the nose,
I determined to carry my revenge still farther, and to
fall in love with any body else. This person was Ottilia
v. Schlippenschlopp.
Otho Sigismund Freyherr Von  Schlippenschlopp,
Knight GrandCross of the Ducal Order of the TwoNecked Swan of Pumpernickel, of the Porc-et-Sifflet of
Kalbsbraten, Commander of the George and Blue Boar
of Dummerland, Excellency, and High Chancellor of the
United Duchies, lived in the second floor of a house in
the Schwapsgasse, where, with his private income and
his revenues as chancellor, amounting together to some
3001. per annum, he maintained such a state as very
few other officers of the Grand-Ducal Crown could exhibit. The Baron is married to Maria Antoinetta, a countess of the house of Kartoffelstadt, branches of which
have taken root all over Germany. He has no sons,
and but one daughter, the Fratilein OTTILIA.
The chancellor is a worthy old gentleman, too fat and
wheezy to preside at the privy council, fond of his pipe,
his ease, aand his rubber. His lady is a very tall and
pale Roman-nosed countess, who looks as gentle as Mrs.
Robert Roy, where, in the novel, she is for putting
Baillie Nicol Jarvie into the lake, and who keeps the
honest chancellor in the greatest order. The Fratilein
Ottilia had not arrived at Kalbsbraten when the little
affair between me and Dorothea was going on, or rather
had only just come in for the conclusion of it, being pre



OTTILIA.                   157
sented for the first time that year at the ball where Iwhere I met with my accident.
At the time when the countess was young, it was not
the fashion in her country to educate the young ladies
so highly as since they have been educated; and provided they could waltz, sew, and make puddings, they
were thought to be decently bred; being seldom called
upon for algebra or Sanscrit in the discharge of the
honest duties of their lives. But Fraiilein Ottilia was
of the modern school in this respect, and came back
from her pension at Strasburg speaking all the languages, dabbling in all the sciences, a historian, a poet,-a
blue of the ultramarinest sort, in a word.  What a difference there was, for instance, between poor, simple
Dorothea's love of novel-reading, and the profound
encyclopaedic learning of Ottilia!
Before the latter arrived fiom  Strasburg (where she
had been under the care of her aunt the Canoness Countess Ottilia of Kartoffelstadt, to whom  I here beg to
offer my humblest respects), Dorothea had passed for a
bel esprit in the little court circle, and her little simple
stock of accomplishments had amused us all very well.
She used to sing " Herz mein Herz" and "T'en souviens tu," in a decent manner (once, before Heaven, I
thought, her singing better than Grisi's), and then she
had a little album in which she drew flowers, and used
to embroider slippers wonderfully, and was very merry
at a game of loto or forfeits, and had a hundred small
ayr6mens de societe which rendered her an acceptable
member of it.
But when Ottilia arrived; poor Dolly's reputation was
crushed in a month.  The former wrote poems both in




158         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
French and German; she painted landscapes and portraits in real oil; and she twanged off a rattling piece
of Listz or Kalkbrenner in such a brilliant way, that
Dora scarcely dared to touch the instrument after her,
or venture, after Ottilia had trilled and gurgled through
"Una Voce," or "Di Piacer" (Rossini was in fashion
then), to lift up her little modest pipe in a ballad.
What was the use of the poor thing going to sit in the
park, where so many of the young officers used ever to
gather round her?  Whirr! Ottilia went by galloping
on a chestnut mare with a groom  after her, and presently all the young fellows who could buy or hire
horseflesh were prancing in her train.
When they met, Ottilia would bounce towards her
soul's darling, and put her hands round her waist, and
call her by a thousand affectionate names, and then talk
of her as only ladies or authors can talk of one another,
-talk of her, in a word, as Mr. Samuel Warren does
of his " dear Boz," in the December number of Black'wood's Magayzine.  How  tenderly she would hint at
Dora's little imperfections of education!-how cleverly
she would insinuate that the poor girl had no wit! and,
thank God, no more she had.  The fact is, that do what
I will I see I'm  in love with her still, and would be if
she had fifty children; but my passion blinded me then,
and every arrow that fiery Ottilia discharged I marked
with savage joy.  Dolly, thank Heaven, didn't mind the
wit much, she was too simple for that.  But still the
recurrence of it would leave in her heart a vague, indefinite feeling of pain, and somehow she began to understand that her empire was passing away, and that her
dear friend hated her like poison; and so she married




OTTILIA.                  159
Klingenspohr. I have written myself almost into a
reconciliation with the silly fellow, for the truth is, he
has been a good, honest husband to her, and she has
children, and makes puddings, and is happy.
Ottilia was pale and delicate. She wore her glistening black hair in bands, and dressed in vapoury white
muslin. She sang her own words to her harp, and they
commonly insinuated that she was alone in the world,that she suffered some inexpressible and mysterious
heart pangs, the lot of all finer geniuses,-that though
she lived and moved in the world she was not of it,that she was of a consumptive tendency and might look
for a premature interment. She even had fixed on the
spot where she should lie: the violets grew there, she
said, the river went moaning by; the grey willow whispered sadly over her head, and her heart pined to be at
rest.  "Mother," she would say, turning to her parent,
" promise me, promise me to lay me in that spot when
the parting hour has come!"  At which Madame de
Schlippenschlopp would shriek and grasp her in her
arms, and at which, I confess, I would myself blubber
like a child. She had six darling friends at school, and
every courier from Kalbsbraten carried off whole reams
of her letter-paper.
In Kalbsbraten, as in every other German town, there
are a vast number of literary characters, of whom our
young friend quickly became the chief. They set up a
literary journal, which appeared once a-week, upon light
blue or primrose paper, and which, in compliment to the
lovely Ottilia's maternal name, was called the Kartofelnkranz.  Here are a couple of her ballads extracted
from the Kranz, and by far the most cheerful specimen




160           FITZ-BOODLE S CONFESSIONS.
of her style. For in her songs she never would willingly let off the heroines without a suicide or a consumption. She never would hear of such a thing as a
happy marriage, and had an appetite for grief quite
amazing in so young a person.  As for her dying and
desiring to be buried under the willow-tree, of which
the first ballad is the subject, though I believed the
story then, I have at present some doubts about it.
For, since the publication of my memoirs, I have been
thrown much into the society of literary persons (who
admire my style hugely), and, egad! though some of
them are dismal enough in their works, I find them in
their persons the least sentimental class that ever a gentleman fell in with.
7The IVillow Tree.
Know ye the willow-tree
Whose grey leaves quiver,
Whispering gloomily
To yon pale river;
Lady, at even-tide
Wander not near it,
They say its branches hide
A sad, lost spirit!
Once to the willow-tree
A maid came fearful,
Pale seenled her cheek to be,
Her blue eye tearful;
Soon as she saw the tree,
Her steps moved fleeter,
No one was there-ah, me!
No one to meet her!




OTTILIA.                    161
Quick beat her heart to hear
The far bells' chime
Toll from the chapel-tower
The trysting time:
But the red sun went down
In golden flame,
And though she looked round,
Yet no one came!
Presently came the night,
Sadly to greet her,Moon in her silver light,
Stars in their glitter;
Then sank the moon away
Under the billow,
Still wept the maid aloneThere by the willow!
Through the long darkness,
By the stream rolling,
Hour after hour went on
Tolling and tolling.
Long was the darkness,
Lonely and stilly;
Shrill came the night-wind,
Piercing and chilly.
Shrill blew the morning breeze
Biting and cold,
Bleak peers the grey dawn
Over the world.
Bleak over moor and stream
Looks the grey dawn,
Grey, with dishevelled hair,
Still stands the willow thereTHE MAID IS GONE!




162           FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
Domine, Domine!
Sing we a litany,Sing for poor maiden-hearts broken and weary;
Domine, J)omine!
Sing we a litany,
Wail we and weep utc a wild Misercre!
One of the chief beauties of this ballad (for the translation of which I received some well-merited compliments) is the delicate way in which the suicide of the
poor young woman under the willow-tree is hinted at;
for that she threw herself into the water and became
one among the lilies of the stream, is as clear as a pikestaff.  Her suicide is committed some time in the darkness, when the slow hours move on tolling and tolling,
and is hinted at darkly as befits the time and the deed.
But that romantic brute Van  Cutsern, the Dutch
Charge d'affaires, sent in the Karttqfelnkranz of the
week after a conclusion of the ballad, which shews
what a poor creature he must be.  His pretext for
writing it was, he said, because he could not bear such
melancholy endings to poems and young women, and
therefore he submitted the following lines:i.
Long by the willow-trees
Vainly they sought her,
Wild rang the mother's screams
O'er the grey water:
"Where is my lovely one?
Where is my daughter?
Ii.
"Rouse thee, sir constableRouse thee and look;




OTTILIA.                      163
Fishermen, bring your net,
Boatmen, your hook.
Beat in the lily-beds,
Dive in the brook!"
II.
Vainly the constable
Shouted and called her;
Vainly the fisherman
Beat the green alder,
Vainly he flung the net,
Never it hauled.her!
IV.
Mother, beside the fire
Sat, her nightcap in;
Father, in easy chair,
Gloomily napping,
When at the window-sill
Came a light tapping I
v.
And a pale countenance
Looked through the casement.
Loud beat the mother's heart,
Sick with amazement,
And at the vision, which
Came to surprise her,
Shrieked in an agony"Lor! it's Elizar l"
vI.
Yes,'twas ElizabethYes,'twas their girl;
Pale was her cheek, and her
Hair out of curl.




164            FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
"Mother!" the loving one,
Blushing, exclaimed,
"Let not your innocent
Lizzy be blamed.
VII.
"Yesterday, going to aunt
Jones's to tea,
Mother, dear mother, I
Forgot the door-key!
And as the night was cold,
And the way steep,
Mrs. Jones kept me to
Breakfast and sleep."
VIII.
Whether her pa and ma
Fully believed her
That we shall never know,
Stern they received her;
And for the work of that
Cruel, though short, night,
Sent her to bed without
Tea for a fortnight.
Ix.
MORAL.
Hey didle  dle diddle,
Cat and the Fiddlety!
IMaidens of England, take caution by she!
Let love and suicide
NAever tempt youe aside,
And always remember to take the door-key!
Some people laughed at this parody, and even preferred it to the original; but for myself I have no




OTTILIA.                    165
patience with the individual who can turn the finest
sentiments of our nature into ridicule, and make every
thing sacred a subject of scorn. The next ballad is less
gloomy than that of the willow-tree, and in it the lovely
writer expresses her longing for what has charmed us all,
and, as it were, squeezes the whole spirit of the fairy-tale
into a few stanzas:
FAIRY DAYS.
Beside the old hall-fire-upon my nurse's knee,
Of happy fairy days-what tales were told to me I
I thought the world was once-all peopled with princesses,
And my heart would beat to hear-their loves and their distresses;
And many a quiet night,-in slumber sweet axd deep,
The pretty fairy people-would visit me in sleep.
I saw them in my dreams-come flying east and west,
With wondrous fairy gifts-the new born babe they bless'd;
One has brought a jewel-and one a crown of gold,
And one has brought a curse-but she is wrinkled and old.
The gentle queen turns pale-to hear those words of sin,
But the king he only laughs-and bids the dance begin.
The babe has grown to be-the fairest of the land,
And rides the forest green-a hawk upon her hand,
An ambling palfrey white-a golden robe and crown;
I've seen her in my dreams-riding up and down.
And heard the ogre laugh-as she fell into his snare,
At the little tender creature-who wept and tore her hair!
But ever when it seemed-her need was at the sorest
A prince in shining mail-comes prancing through the forest,
A waving ostrich-plume-a buckler burnished bright;
I've seen him in my dreams-good sooth! a gallant knight.
His lips are coral red-beneath a dark moustache;
See how he waves his hand-and how his blue eyes flash I




166          FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
"Come forth, thou Paynim knight!" —he shouts in accents
clear.
The giant and the maid-both tremble his voice to hear.
Saint Mary guard him well!-he draws his falchion keen,
The giant and the knight-are fighting on the green.
I see them in my dreams-his blade gives stroke on stroke,
The giant pants and reels-and tumbles like an oak I
With what a blushing grace-he falls upon his knee
And takes the lady's hand-and whispers "You are free!"
Ah! happy childish tales-of knight and faerie!
I waken from my dreams-but there's ne'er a knight for me;
I waken from my dreams-and wish that I could be
A child by the old hall-fire-upon my nurse's knee!
Indeed, Ottilia looked like a fairy herself: pale, small,
slim, and airy. You could not see her face, as it were
for her eyes, which were so wild, and so tender, and
shone so that they would have dazzled an eagle, much
more a poor goose of a Fitz-Boodle.  In the theatre,
when she sat on the opposite side of the house, those
big eyes used to pursue me as I sat pretending to listen
to the Zauberflote, or to Don Carlos, or Egmont, and
at the tender passages, especially, they would have such
a winning, weeping, imploring look with them  as flesh
and blood could not bear.
Shall I tell how I became a poet for the dear girl's
sake?'Tis surely unnecessary  after the reader has
perused the above versions of her poems.  Shall I tell
what wild follies I committed in prose as well as in
verse? how I used to watch under her window of icy
evenings, and with chilblainy fingers sing serenades to
her on the guitar?  Shall I tell how, in a sledging
party, I had the happiness to drive her, and of the de



OTTILIA.                  167
lightful privilege which is, on these occasions, accorded
to the driver?
Any reader who has spent a winter in Germany perhaps knows it.  A large party of a score or more of
sledges is formed. Away they go to some pleasurehouse that has been previously fixed upon, where a ball
and collation are prepared and where each man, as his
partner descends, has the delicious privilege of saluting
her. 0 heavens and earth! I may grow to be a thousand years old, but I can never forget the rapture of
that salute.
" The keen air has given me an appetite," said the
dear angel as we entered the supper-room; and to say
the truth, fairy as she was, she made a remarkably good
meal-consuming a couple of basins of white-soup,
several kinds of German sausages, some Westphalia
ham, sme white puddings, an anchovy salad made
with cornichons and onions, sweets innumerable, and a
considerable quantity of old Stein Wein and rum-punch
afterwards. Then she got up and danced as brisk as a
fairy, in which operation I of course did not follow her,
but had the honour at the close of the evening's amusement once more to have her by my side in the sledge,
as we swept in the moonlight over the snow.
Kalbsbraten is a very hospitable place as far as teaparties are concerned, but I never was in one where dinners were so scarce. At the palace they occurred twice
or thrice in a month, but on these occasions spinsters
were not invited, and I seldom had the opportunity ofseeing my Ottilia except at evening parties.
Nor are these, if the truth must be told, very much
to my taste. Dancing I have forsworn, whist is too




168         FITZ-BOODLE'S CONFESSIONS.
severe a study for me, and I do not like to play ecarte
with old ladies, who are sure to cheat you in the course
of an evening's play.
But to have an occasional glance at Ottilia was
enough; and many and many a napoleon did I lose to
her mamma, Madame de Schlippenschlopp, for the blest
privilege of looking at her daughter. Many is the teaparty I went to, shivering into cold clothes after dinner
(which is my abomination) in order to have one little
look at the lady of my soul.
At these parties there were generally refieshments of
a nature more substantial than mere tea-punch, both
milk and rum, hot wine, consomme, and a peculiar and
exceedingly disagreeable sandwich made of a mixture
of cold white puddings and garlic, of which I have forgotten the name, and always detested the savour.
Gradually a conviction came upon me that Ottilia ate
a great deal.
I do not dislike to see a woman eat comfortably. I
even think that an agreeable woman ought to be
friande, and should love certain little dishes and nicknacks. I know that though at dinner they commonly
take nothing, they have had roast mutton with the children at two, and laugh at their pretensions to starvation.
No! a woman who eats a grain of rice like Amina in
the Arabian Nights, is absurd and unnatural; but there
is a modus in rebus: there is no reason why she should
be a Ghoul, a monster, an ogress, a horrid gormandiseress-faugh!
It was, then, with a rage amounting almost to agony,
that I found Ottilia ate too much at every meal. She
was always eating, and always eating too much. If I




OTTILIA.                 169
went there in the morning, there was the horrid familiar
odour of those oniony sandwiches; if in the afternoon,
dinner had been just removed, and I was choked by
reeking reminiscences of roast meat. Tea we have
spoken of. She gobbled up more cakes than any six
people present; then came the supper and the sandwiches again, and the egg-flip and the horrible rumpunch.
She was as thin as ever, paler if possible than ever;
-but, by Heavens! her nose began to grow red!
Mon dieu! how I used to watch and watch it! Some
days it was purple, some days had more of the vermilion-I could take an affidavit that after a heavy night's
supper it was more swollen, more red than before.
I recollect one night when we were playing a round
game (I had been looking at her nose very eagerly and
sadly for some time), she of herself brought up the conversation about eating, and confessed that she had five
meals a-day.
"That accounts for it!" says I, flinging down the
cards, and springing up and rushing like a madman out
of the room. I rushed away into the night, and wrestled
with my passion. " What! marry," said I, " a woman
who eats meat twenty-one times in a week, besides
breakfast and tea? Marry a sarcophagus, a cannibal, a
butcher's shop?-Away!" I strove and strove, I drank,
I groaned, I wrestled and fought with my love-but it
overcame me; one look of those eyes brought me to her
feet again. I yielded myself up like a slave; I fawned
and whined for her; I thought her nose was not so very
red.
Things came to this pitch that I sounded His High8




170         FITZ-BOODLEIS CONFESSIONS.
ness's minister to know whether he would give me service in the Duchy; I thought of purchasing an estate
there. I was given to understand that I should get a
chamberlain's key and some post of honour did I choose
to remain, and I even wrote home to my brother Fitz in
England, hintirtg a change in my condition.
At this juncture the town of Hamburg sent His Highness the Grand Duke (apropos of a commercial union
which was pending between the two states) a singular
present, no less than a certain number of barrels of
oysters, which are considered extreme luxuries in Germany, especially in the inland parts of the country,
where they are almost unknown.
In honour of the oysters and the new commercial
treaty (which arrived in fourgons despatched for the
purpose), His Highness announced a grand supper and
ball, and invited all the quality of all the principalities
round about.  It was a splendid affair, the grand saloon
brilliant with hundreds of uniforms and brilliant toilettes
-not the least beautiful among them, I need not say,
was Ottilia.
At midnight the supper-rooms were thrown open, and
we formed into little parties of six, each having a table,
nobly served with plate, a lackey in attendance, and a
gratifying ice-pail or two of champagne to egayer the
supper.  It was no small cost to serve five hundred
people on silver, and the repast was certainly a princely
and magnificent one.
I had, of course, arranged with Mademoiselle de
Schlippenschlopp. Captains Frumpel and Friedelberger
of the Duke's Guard, Mesdames de Butterbrod and
Bopp, formed our little party.




OTTILIA.                  l 71
The first course, of course, consisted of the oysters.
Ottilia's eyes gleamed with double brilliancy as the
lackey opened them; there were nine a-piece for ushow well I recollect the number!
I never was much of an oyster-eater, nor can I relish
them in naturalibus as some do, but require a quantity
of sauces, lemons, cayenne peppers, bread and butter,
and so forth, to render them palatable.
By the time I had made my preparations, Ottilia, the
captains, and the two ladies, had well-nigh finished
theirs. Indeed Ottilia had gobbled up all hers, and
there were only my nine left in the dish.
I took one-IT WAS BAD. The scent of it was enough
-they were all bad. Ottilia had eaten nine bad oysters.
I put down the horrid shell.  Her eyes glistened more
and more, she could not take them off the tray.
"Dear Herr George," she said, " Will you give me
your oysters?"
*       *        *       *        *
She had them all down-before-I could say-JackRobinson.
e       *        *       *        e
I left Kalbsbraten that night, and have never been
there since.
G. S. F. B.








SOME PASSAGES
IN THE
LIFE OF MAJOE GAHAGAN.
CHAPTER I.' TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION."
I THINK it but right that in making my appearance
before the public I should at once acquaint them with
my titles and name. My card, as I leave it at the
houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows:MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.LC.S.
Commanding Battalion of
Irregular Horse,
AHMEDNUGGAR.
Seeing, I say, this simple visiting-ticket, the world
will avoid any of those awkward mistakes as to my
person, which have been so frequent of late. There
has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble
title of mine, and the confusion thereby created. When
I published my volume of poems, for instance, the




174           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
"Morning Post" newspaper remarked "that the Lyrics
of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among
the sweetest flowerets of the present spring season."
"The Quarterly Review," commenting upon my "Observations on the Pons Asinorum" (4to. London, 1836),
called me "Doctor Gahagan," and so on. It was time
to put an end to these mistakes, and I have taken the
above simple remedy.
I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at the Palace of the T-l-r-es at
Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl-ns (who,
though she does not speak English, understands it as
well as I do) said to me in the softest Teutonic, "Lieber
Herr Major, haben sie den Ahmednuggarischen-jigerbattalion gelassen?"  " Warum  den?" said I, quite
astonished at her R-1 H-ss's question.  The
P-cess then spoke of some trifle from my pen, which
was simply signed Goliah Gahagan.
There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put
this question.
"Comment done?" said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count Mole, "le cher Major a quitte
l'armee!  Nicolas done sera maitre de l'Inde!"  H.
M -  and the Pr- M-n-ster pursued their conversation in a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined, in
a dreadful state of confusion. I blushed, and stuttered,
and murmured out a few incoherent words to explainbut it would not do-I could not recover my equanimity during the course of the dinner; and while endeavouring to help an English duke, my neighbour, to
poulet a l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms and
three large greasy croites over his whiskers and shirt



LIFE OF MAJOR GAIAGAN.             175
frill. Another laugh at my expense.  "Ah! M. le
Major," said the Q-   of the B-lg-ns, archly, "vous
n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel."  Her M-y's
joke will be better understood when I state that Ilis
grace is the brother of a minister.
I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private
life by mentioning the names of the parties concerned
in this little anecdote. I only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least in decent
society.  Verbum sat.
But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the
name of Goliah in full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also a major (in the
King's service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the
public most likely knows. Poor Greg.! a very trivial
dispute was the cause of our quarrel, which never
would have originated but for the similarity of our
names. The circumstance was this:-I had been lucky
enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling
service (in the notorious affair of Choprasjee Muckjee),
and his highness sent down a gold toothpick-case
directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course
thought was for me: my brother madly claimed it;
we fought, and the consequence was, that in about
three minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut
6), which effectually did his business;-lle was a good
swordsman enough —   was THE BEST in the universe.
The most ridiculous part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all-he had left it on the
Nawaub's table at tiffin.  I can't conceive what madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble;
t?' had much better have yielded it at once, when he




176           SOME PASSAGES IN THIE
saw I was determined to have it.  From  this slight
specimen of my adventures, the reader will perceive
that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; and,
in fact, I may say that I have led a more remarkable
life than any man in the service-I have been at more
pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes, had more success among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, and
been a handsomer man than any officer now serving
her Majesty.
When I first went to India in 1802, I was a raw
cornet of seventeen, with blazing red hair, six feet seven
in height, athletic at all kinds of exercises, owing money
to my tailor and everybody else who would trust me,
possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of 1201.
a-year. I need not say that with all these advantages
I did that which a number of clever fellows have done
before me-I fell in love, and proposed to marry immediately.
But how to overcome the difficulty?-It is true that
I loved Julia Jowler-loved her to madness; but her
father intended her for a member of council at least,
and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was, however,
my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the
Samuel Snob East Indiaman, Captain Duffy) with this
lovely creature, and my misfortune instantaneously to
fall in love with her. We were not out of the Channel
before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she
trod upon, kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on
which she used to sit. The same madness fell on every
man in the ship. The two mates fought about her at
the Cape-the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, fiom
disappointed affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             177
to threaten spontaneous combustion-and old Colonel
Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven daughters to
Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs.
L., and made an attempt at suicide-the captain himself told me, with tears in his eyes, that he hated his
hitherto-adored Mrs. Duffy, although he had had nineteen children by her.
We used to call her the witch-there was magic in
her beauty and in her voice. I was spell-bound when
I looked at her, and stark-staring mad when she looked
at me! Oh, lustrous black eyes! —Oh, glossy nightblack ringlets!-Oh, lips!-Oh, dainty frocks of white
muslin!-Oh, tiny kid  slippers! —though  old  and
gouty, Gahagan sees you still! I recollect off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular way one day at
dinner, just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of
scalding hot green fat. I was stupefied at once-I
thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound) into my
mouth. I made no attempt to swallow or to masticate
it, but left it there for many minutes burning, burning!
I had no skin to my palate for seven weeks after, and
lived on rice-water during the rest of the voyage. The
anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia
Jowler over me.
The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the
subject of storms, shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements,
sea-sickness, and so forth, that (although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think it quite
unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice
it to say, that during our five months trajet, my mad
passion for Julia daily increased; so did the captain's
and the surgeon's; so did Colonel Lilywhite's; so did
8*




178           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
the doctor's, the mate's-that of most part of the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew.  For
myself, I swore-ensign as I was-I would win her for
my wife; I vowed that I would make her glorious with
my sword-that as soon as I had made a favourable
impression on my commanding officer, (which I did not
doubt to create,) I would lay open to him the state of
my affections, and demand his daughter's hand.  With
such sentimental outpourings did our voyage continue
and conclude.
We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day
in December, 1802, and then for the moment Julia and
I separated. She was carried off to her papa's arms in
a palankeen, surrounded by at least forty Hookahbadars; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two
dandies and a solitary beasty, (by which unnatural
name these blackamoors are called,) made his way
humbly to join the regiment at head-quarters.
The -th regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under
the command of Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C. B.,
was known throughout Asia and Europe by the proud
title of the Bundelcund Invincibles-so great was its
character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in
that delightful district of India.  Major Sir George
Gutch was next in command, and Tom  Thrupp, as
kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through the body,
was second major.  We were on the eve of that
remarkable war which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of India, to call forth the valour of a
Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a Gahagan;
which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmiedfnuggar,
(where I was the first over the barricade at the storm



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              179
ing of the Pettah;) at Argaum, where I slew with my
own sword twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a
dromedary in two; and by that terrible day of Assaye,
where Wellesley would have been beaten but for meme alone; I headed nineteen charges of cavalry, took
(aided by only four men of my own troop) seventeen
field-pieces, killing the  scoundrelly French artillerymen; on that day I had eleven elephants shot under
me, and carried away Scindia's nose-ring with a pistolball.  Wellesley is a duke and a marshal, I but a simple
major of Irregulars; such is fortune and war! But my
feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had
better proceed with more order.
On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I
for the first time put on the beautiful uniform of the
Invincibles; a light blue swallow-tailed jacket with silver
lace and wings, ornamented with about 3000 sugar-loaf
buttons, rhubarb-coloured leather inexpressibles, (tights,)
and red morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set
off to admiration the handsome persons of the officers of
our corps.  We wore powder in those days, and a regulation pig-tail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded by leopard-skin, with a bear-skin top, and
a horse-tail feather, gave the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more easily imagined than
described.
Attired in this magninicent costume, I first presented
myself before Colonel Jowler.  He was habited in a
manner precisely similar, but not being more than five
feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen stone, the
dress he wore did not become him  quite so much
as slimmer and taller men.  Flanked by his tall majors,




180            SOME PASSAGES IN TIIE
Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like a stumpy skittle-ball
between two attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily
became a prime favourite with himself and the other
officers of the corps. Jowler was the most hospitable
of men, and, gratifying my appetite and my love together, I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted
on the sweet presence of Julia.
I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early days, that this Miss Jowler, on
whom I had lavished my first and warmest love, whom
I had endowed with all perfection and purity, was no
better than a little impudent flirt, who played with my
feelings, because during the monotony of a sea voyage
she had no other toy to play with; and who deserted
others for me, and me for others, just as her whim or
her interest might guide her.  She had not been three
weeks at head-quarters when half the regiment was in
love with her.  Each and all of the candidates had some
favour to boast of, or some encouraging hopes on which
to build.  It was the scene of the Samuel Snob over
again, only heightened in interest by a number of duels.
The following list will give the reader a notion of some
of them:
1. Cornet Gahagan.           Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers
and Miners. iicks received
a ball in his jaw, and was
half choked by a quantity
of carrotty whisker forced
down his throat with the
ball.
2. Capt Macgillicuddy, B. N.. Cornet Gahagan. —I was run
through the body, but the




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                   181
sword passed between the
ribs, and injured me very
slightly.
3. Capt. Maegillicuddy, B. N. I. Mr. Mulligatawney, B. C. S.,
Deputy  - Assistant, Vice
Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo grounds,
Ramngolly branch.
Macgillicuddy  should  have stuck to sword's play,
and he might have come off in his second duel as well
as in his first; as it was, the civilian placed a ball and
a part of Mac's gold repeater in his stomach. A remarkable circumstance attended  this shot, an  account of
which I sent home to the Philosophical Transactions:
the surgeon had extracted the ball, and was going off,
thinking  that all was well, when the gold  repeater
struck  thirteen in poor Macgillicuddy's abdomen.  I
suppose that the works must have been disarranged in
some way by the bullet, for the repeater was one of
Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the circumstance occurred at seven o'clock.*
I could continue, almost ad izfinitum, an account
of the wars which this Helen occasioned, but the above
three specimens will, I should think, satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, Heaven
knows, but I was compelled in  the course of a few
weeks, and  for the sake of this one woman, to fight
So admirable are the performances of these watches, which will stand
in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor Macgillicuddy relate the following fact. The hours, as it is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four:
the day Miac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours, from one to
twenty-four: as soon as he crossed the Alps it only sounded as usual. G.
O'G. G.




182            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
nine duels myself, and I know that four times as many
more took place concerning her.
I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman,
who had been born and bred entirely in India, and whom
the Colonel had married from the house of her mother,
a native.  There were some singular rumours abroad
regarding this latter lady's history-it was reported that
she was the daughlter of a native Rajah, and had been
carried off by a poor English subaltern in Lord Clive's
time.  The young man was killed very soon after, and
left his child with its mother.  The black Prince
forgave his daughter and bequeathed to her a handsome
sum of money.  I suppose that it was on this account
that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who had not, I
do believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality-she was a hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with
a beard, black teeth, and red eyes: she w-as fat, lying,
ugly, and stingy-she hated and was hated by all the
world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any
other.  She did not pass a month in the year with him,
but spent most of her time with her native fiiends.  I
wonder how she could have given birth to so lovely
a creature as her dau'ghter.  This woman was of course
with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of
the devil in her datughter's composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her.  If Julia had been a
flirt before, she was a downriglht jilt now; she set
the whole cantonment by the ears; she made wives
jealous and husbands miserable; she caused all those
duels of which I have discoursed already, and yet such
was the fascination of THE WITCH that I still thought
her an angel.  I made court to the nasty mother in




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             183
order to be near the daughter; and I listened untiringly
to Jowler's interminable dull stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the graceful movements
of Miss Julia.
But the trumpet of war was -soon ringing in our ears;
and on the battle-field Gahagan is a man!  The Bundelcund Invincibles received orders to march, and Jowler,
Hector-like, donned his helmet, and prepared to part
from his Andromache.  And now arose his perplexity:
what must be done with his daughter, his Julia?  He
knew his wife's peculiarities of living, and did not much
care to trust his daughter to her keeping; but in vain he
tried to find her an asylum  among the respectable
ladies of his regiment.  Lady Gutch offered to receive
her, but would have nothing to do with Mrs. Jowler;
the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have neither
mother nor daughter; there was no help for it, Julia
and her mother must have a house together, and Jowler
knew that his wife would fill it with her odious blackamoor fiiends.
I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned from Julia my fate.  I watched
twenty opportunities to see her alone, and wandered
about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer does about
a public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and longing to seize the moment
when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or her papa,
might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the
tale of my love.
But it would not do-old Jowler seemed to have
taken all of a sudden to such a fit of domesticity, that
there was no finding him out of doors, and his rhubarb



184            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
coloured wife (I believe that her skin gave the first idea
of our regimental breeches), who before had  been
gadding ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose
into every zmnage in the cantonment, stopped faithfully
at home with her spouse.  My only chance was to
beard the old couple in their den, and ask them at once
for their cub.
So I called one day at tiffin:-old Jowler was always
happy to have my company at this meal; it amused
him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson's pale ale (I
drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year
I was in Bengal)-and  it was no  small piece of
fun, certainly, to see old Mrs. Jowler attack the curriebhaut;-she was exactly the colour of it, as I have had
already the honour to remark, and she swallowed the
mixture with a gusto which was never equalled, except
by my poor friend Dando, d propos d'huitres.  She consumed the first three platefuls, with a fork and spoon,
like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old
hag would throw away her silver implements, and, dragging the dishes towards her, go to work with her hands,
flip the rice into her mouth with her fingers, and stow
away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy company.  But why do I diverge from the main point of
my story?
Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J., were at luncheon:
the dear girl was in the act to sdbler a glass of Ilodgson
as I entered.' How do you do, Mr. Gagin?" said the
old hag, leeringly; " eat a bit o' currie-bhaut"-and she
thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed.
"What, Gagy, my boy, how do, how do?" said the fat
colonel; " what, run through the body?-got well again




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              185
-have some Hodgson-run through your body too!"
-and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the
fact, that in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it
were from the pores of the skin,) old Jowler laughed: a
host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices, consomers,
and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me,
unasked, with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers
of it, I paused nervously for a moment, and then said"Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga."
The black ruffians took the hint, and retired.
" Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I, solemnly, "we are
alone; and you, Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is
-I mean-I take this opportunity to-(another glass
of ale if you please,)-to express, once for all, before
departing on a dangerous campaign-(Julia turned
pale)-before entering, I say, upon a war which may
stretch in the dust my high-raised hopes and me,
to express my hopes while life still remains to me, and
to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and Colonel
Jowler, that I love you, Julia!"  The Colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck quivering for some
minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded not the
paltry interruption.  " Yes, by yon bright heaven," continued I, " I love you, Julia! I respect my commander, I
esteem your excellent and beauteous mother; tell me,
before I leave you, if I may hope for a return of my
affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such
deeds in this coming war, as shall make you proud of the
name of your Gahagan."
The old woman, as I delivered these touching words,
stared, snapped, and ground her teeth, like an enraged
monkey. Julia was now red, now white; the colonel




186           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my
leg, wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters, which
I had remarked by his side.
" A cornet!" said he, in a voice choking with emotion;
" a pitiful, beggarly, Irish cornet, aspire to the hand of
Julia  Jowler!  Gag-Gahagan, are you mad, or
laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man, at
these letters, I say-one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every part of India (not including one from
the governor-general and six from his brother, Colonel
Wellesley,)-one hundred and twenty-four proposals
for the hand of Miss Jowler.  Cornet Gahagan," he continued, "I wish to think well of you: you are the
bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the handsomest
man in our corps, but you have not got a single rupee.
You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even an
anna!-(Here the old rogue grinned, as if he had made
a capital pun.)  No, no," said he, waxing good-natured;
" Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense!  Julia, love, retire
with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will
remain and smoke a pipe with me."
I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked
in my life.
I am not going to give here an account of my
military services; they will appear in my great national
autobiography, in forty volumes, which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in
all Wellesley's brilliant campaigns, then, taking dawk,
I travelled across the country north-eastward, and had
the honour of fighting by the side of Lord Lake,
at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futtyghur, and Bhurt



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             187
pore; but I will not boast of my actions-the military
man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN appreciates them. If
asked who was the bravest man of the Indian army,
there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry
at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate; I
cared not for life, deprived of Julia Jowler.
With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her
father's stern refusal in my ears, I did not care, at the
close of the campaign, again to seek her company or to
press my suit. We were eighteen months on service,
marching and countermarching, and fighting almost
every other day; to the world I did not seem altered;
but the world only saw the face, and not the seared and
blighted heart within me. My valour, always desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my
grooms and grass-cutters for the most trifling offence or
error,-I never in action spared a man,-I sheared off
three hundred and nine heads in the course of that single campaign.
Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have
fallen upon poor old Jowler. About six months after
we had left Dum Dum, he received a parcel of letters
from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her
daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon
his spirits, that he ordered eleven men of his regiment
to be flogged within two days; but it was against the
blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath: our fellows, in
the heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit
of dealing rather roughly with their prisoners, to extract
treasure from them.  They used to pull their nails out
by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, to flog them
and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on.




188            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which
before had always justly exasperated him  (he was
a humane and kind little man,) used now  to smile
fiercely, and say, " D-  the black scoundrels! Serve
them right, serve them right I"
One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the
column, I had been on a foraging party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably to camp, when of a
sudden, a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a neighbouring mango tope, in which they had been hidden:
in an instant, three of my men's saddles were empty,
and I was left with but seven more to make head
against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen.  I never saw, in my life, a nobler figure than
the leader of the troop-mounted on a splendid black
Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he wore a
steel cap, and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful French carbine, which had already done execution upon two of my men.  I saw that our only
chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man. I
shouted to him  in a voice of thunder (in the Hindostanee tongue of course), " Stop, dog, if you dare,
and encounter a man!"
In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my
head, and mortally transfixed poor Foggarty, of ours,
who was behind me.  Grinding my teeth, and swearing
horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed in
its blow,* and rushed at the Indian.  He came down at
full gallop, his own sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry of battle.
* In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go out with small
swords:-miserable weapons, only fit for tailors.-G. O'G. G.




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.           189
The contest did not last an instant. With my first
blow I cut off his sword-arm at the wrist; my second I
levelled at his head. I said that he wore a steel cap,
with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of chain
mail.  I rose in my stirrups, and delivered " St.
George;" my sword caught the spike exactly on the
point, split it sheer in two, cut crashing through the
steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby
which he wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean
in two between the eye-brows and nostrils, even between
the two front teeth, fell, one side on each shoulder, and
he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my men,
who were not a little amused at the feat.
As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on
seeing their leader's fate. I took home his helmet by
way of curiosity, and we made a single prisoner, who
was instantly carried before old Jowler.
We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the
troop; he said it was Chowder Loll.
" CHOWDER LOLL!" shrieked Colonel Jowler. "Oh,
fate! thy hand is here!"  He rushed wildly into his
tent-the next day applied for leave of absence. Gutch
took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no
more for some time.
As I had distinguished myself not a little during the
war, General Lake sent me up with dispatches to Calcutta,
where Lord Wellesley received me with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at
Government-house, to meet my old friend Jowler; my
trembling, blushing, thrilling delight, when I saw Julia
by his side!




190           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I
thought of my former passages with his daughter.
" Gagy, my boy," says he, shaking hands, " glad to see
you, old friend, Julia-come to tiffin-Hodgson's pale
-brave fellow Gagy."  Julia did not speak, but she
turned ashy pale and fixed upon me with her awful
eyes! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent
words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said
" Come!" Need I say I went?
I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again,
but this I know, that in half an hour I was as much in
love as I ever had been; and that in three weeks-I,
yes, I-was the accepted lover of Julia! I did not pause
to ask, where were the one hundred and twenty-four
offers? why I, refused before, should be accepted now?
I only felt that I loved her, and was happy!
One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep,
and, with a lover's pardonable passion, wandered solitary
through the city of palaces until I came to the house
which contained my Julia. I peeped into the compound-all was still;-I looked into the verandah-all
was dark, except a light-yes, one light-and it was in
Julia's chamber! My heart throbbed almost to stifling.
I would-I would advance, if but to gaze upon her for
a moment, and to bless her as she slept. I did look, I
did advance; and, oh Heaven! I saw a lamp burning,
Mrs. Jow. in a night-dress, with a very dark baby in
her arms, and Julia, looking tenderly at an Ayah, who
was nursing another.
"0, mamma," said Julia, "what would that fool
Gahagan say, if he knew all?"




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              191
" He does know all!" shouted I, springing forward,
and tearing down the tatties from  the window.  Mrs.
Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia fainted, the
cursed black children squalled, and their d-d nurse
fell on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindostanee.  Old Jowler at this juncture entered with a
candle and a drawn sword.
" Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!" shouted I.     Turn,
ruffian, and defend yourself!" But old Jowler, when
he saw me, only whistled, looked at his lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room.
Why continue the tale?  I need not now account
for Jowler's gloom on receiving his letters from Benares
-for his exclamation upon the death of the Indian
chief-for his desire to marryhis daughter: the woman
I was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was
Mrs. CHOWDER LOLL!
CHAPTER II.
ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE.
I SAT down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the
appearance of some of my adventures in a monthly
magazine) unprincipled men have endeavoured to rob
me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I make, and themselves, without a spark of
honour or good feeling, to steal from me that which is
my sole wealth-my character as a teller of THE TRUTH.
The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal
strictures of a profligate press I now allude; among




192           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
the London journalists, none (luckily for themselves)
have dared to question the veracity of my statements;
they know me, and they know that I am in London.
If I can use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and
terrible weapon, and would answer their contradictions
with my sword! No gold or gems adorn the hilt of
that war-worn scimetar, but there is blood upon the
blade-the blood of the enemies of my country, and
the maligners of my honest fame. There are others,
however-the disgrace of a disgraceful trade-who
borrowing fiom  distance a despicable courage, have
ventured to assail me.  The infamous editors of the
"Kelso Champion," the "Bungay Beacon," the "Tipperary Argus," and the "Stoke Pogis Sentinel," and
other dastardly organs of the provincial press, have,
although differing in politics, agreed upon this one point,
and with a scoundrelly unanimity, vented a flood of
abuse upon the revelations made by me.
They say that I have assailed private characters, and
wilfully perverted history to blacken the reputation of
public men.  I ask, was any one of these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any single conductor of
any one of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or
the Rohilla country? Does this exquisite Tipperary
scribe know  the difference between Hurrygurrybang
and Burrumtollah? Not he! and because, forsooth, in
those strange and distant lands strange circumstances
have taken place, it is insinuated that the relator is a
liar, nay, that the very places themselves have no existence but in my imagination. Fools!-but I will not
waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount
some other portions of my personal history.




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              193
It is, I presume, a fact which even these scribbling
assassins will not venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against Scindiah, the
English general formed a camp at Kanouge on the
Jumna, where he exercised that brilliant little army
which was speedily to perform  such wonders in the
Dooab.  It will be as well to give a slight account of
the causes of a war which was speedily to rage through
some of the fairest portions of the Indian continent.
Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line of Nadir Shah (that celebrated
Toorkomaun adventurer, who had well-nigh hurled
Bajazet and Selim  the Second fiom  the throne of
Bagdad); Shah Allum, I say, although nominally the
Emperor of Delhi, was, in reality, the slave of the various
warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over the country
and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some
more successful rebel.  Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scindiah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawdel, had held for a time
complete mastery in Delhi.  The second of these, a
ruthless Afghaun soldier, had abruptly entered the
capital, nor was he ejected from it until he had seized
upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes
of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab.
Scindiah came to the rescue of thle sightless Shah
Allum, and though he destroyed his oppressor, only
increased his slavery, holding him in as painful a bondage
ashe had suffered under the tyrannous Afghaun.
As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long rather as it appeared that they had
any strength to fight a battle, the British government,
9




194            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no
means interfered in the contest.   But the French
Revolution broke out, and a host of starving sansculottes appeared among the various Indian states,
seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds
of the various native princes against the British East
India Company.  A  number of these entered into
Scindiah's ranks-one of them, Perron, was commander
of his army; and though that chief was as yet quite
engaged in his hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row
Holkar, and never thought of an invasion of the
British territory, the Company all of a sudden discovered that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully illused, and determined to re-establish the ancient splendour of his throne.
Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah
Allum that prompted our governors to take these kindly
measures in his favour. I don't know how it happened
that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a
whit better off than at the beginning; and that though
Holkar was beaten, and Scindiah annihilated, Shah
Allum was much such a puppet as before.  Somehow,
in the hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster
remained with the British government, who had so
kindly offered to dress it for the emperor, while his
majesty was obliged to be contented with the shell.
The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the
Grand Army of the Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of cavalry and twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by General Lake
in person.
Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              195
camp at Allyghur; on the 4th we took that fortress by
assault; and as my name was mentioned in general
orders, I may as well quote the commander-in-chief's
words regarding me-they will spare me the trouble of
composing my own eulogium.
"The commander-in-chief is proud thus publicly to
declare his high sense of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the    cavalry. In the storming of the fortress,
although unprovided with a single ladder, and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the
place. Fourteen ditches, lined with sword blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls bristling with innumerable artillery, and as smooth as looking-glasses, were
in turns triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer.
His course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered
enemies lying thick upon the platforms; and, alas! by
the corpses of most of the gallant men who followed
him!-when at length he effected his lodgment, and
the dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him
with arms, let loose upon him  the tigers and lions of
Scindiah's menagerie: —this meritorious  officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and
most ferocious animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOUR, shrunk back to
their dens.  Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty
Goss, Havildar, were the only two who remained out
of the nine hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan.
Honour to them! Honour and tears for the brave men
who perished on that awful day!"
I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal




196            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
I-urkaru of September 24, 1803; and anybody who
has the slightest doubt as to the statement, may refer
to the paper itself.
And here I must pause to give thanks to fortune,
which so marvellously preserved me, Sergeant-Major
Higgory, and Runty Goss.  Were I to say that any
valour of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn.
No: though my narrative is extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and never, never would I sacrifice
truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this:-the
citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a
thousand feet above the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his excellency was good
enough to remark in his dispatch.  A man who would
mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who
would say he mounted them without such assistance, is
a liar and a knave.  We had scaling-ladders at the
commencement of the assault, although it was quite
impossible to carry them  beyond the first line of batteries.  Mounted  on  them, however, as our troops
were falling thick about me, I saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could be found
for our brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was
about seventy feet high-I instantly turned the guns of
wall A. on wall B., and peppered the latter so as to
make not a breach, but a scaling-place, the men mounting in the holes made by the shot.  By this simple
stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier
-for to ascend a wall, which the General was pleased
to call " as-smooth as glass," is an absurd impossibility.
I seek to achieve none such:




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                 ] 97
"I dare do all that may become a man,
Who dares do more, is neither more nor less."
Of course, Lad the enemy's guns been commonly
well served, not one of us would ever have been alive
out of the three; but whether it was owing to fright,
or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery, arrive  e e did.  On the platforms, too, our work
was not quite so difflcult as might be imagined —killing
these fellows was sheer butchery.  As soon  as we
appeared, they all turned and fled, helter-skelter, and
the reader may judge of their courage by the fact that
out of about seven hundred men killed by us, only forty
had wounds in front, the rest being bayoneted as they
ran.
And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the
very letting out of these tigers, which was the dernier
rcssort of Bournonville, the second commandant of the
fort.  I had observed this man (conspicuous for a tricoloured scarf which he wore,) upon every one of the
walls as we stormed them, and running away the very first
among the fugitives. He had all the keys of the gates;
and in his tremor, as he opened the moenagerie portal,
left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when
the animals were overcome.  Runty Goss then opened
them  by one, our troops entered, and the victorious
standard of nmy country floated on the walls of Allyghur!
When the general, accompanied by his staff, entered
the last line of fortifications' the brave old man raised
me from the dead rhinoceros on which I was seated, and
pressed me to his breast. But the excitement which
had borne me through the fatigues and perils of that




198             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
fearful day failed all of a sudden, and I wept like a child
upon his shoulder.
Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority;
nor is it in the power of the general-in-chief to advance
a Caesar, if he finds him in the capacity of a subaltern:
my reward for the above exploit was, therefore, not very
rich. His excellency had a favourite horn snuff-box (for
though  exalted in station he was in his habits most
simple): of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of
high-dried Welsh, which he always took, he made me
a present, saying, in front of the line, "Accept this, Mr.
Gahagan, as a token of respect from  the first, to the
bravest officer in the army."
Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I
should say that four-pence was about the value of this
gift; but it has at least this good effect-it serves to
convince any person who doubts my story, that the
facts of it are really true.  I have left it at the office of
my publisher, along with the extract from  the Bengal
Hurkaru, and any body may examine both by applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.*   That
once popular expression, or proverb, "Are you up to
snuff " arose out of the above circumstance; for the
officers of my corps, none of whom, except myself, had
ventured on the storming party, used to twit me about
this modest reward  for my labours.  Never mind;
* The major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at Mr. Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a newspaper, and does not
quite prove that he killed a rhinoceros, and stormed fourteen intrenchments
at the siege of Allyghur. —M. A. T.




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.               199
when they want me to storm a fort again, I shall know
better.
Well, immediately after the capture of this important
fortress, Perron, who had been the life and soul of
Scindiah's army, came in to us, with his family and
treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements
at Chandernagurr.  Bourquien took his command, and
against him we now moved.  The morning of the 11th
of September found us upon the plains of Delhi.
It was a burning hot day, and we were all refieshing
ourselves after the morning's march, when I, who was
on the advanced piquet along with O'Gawler of the
king's dragoons, was made  aware of the enemy's
neighbourhood in a very singular manner.  O'Gawler
and I were seated under a little canopy of horse-cloths,
which we had formed to shelter us from the intolerable
heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight
a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most
exquisite, cool, weak, refreshing sangaree.  We had
been playing cards the night before, and O'Gawnler had
lost to me seven hundred rupees.  I emptied the last
of the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which
we were drinking, and holding mine up, said, " Here's
better luck to vou next time. O'Gawler "
As I spoke the words-whish! —a cannon-ball cut
the tumbler clean out of my hand, and plumped into
poor O'Gawler's stomach.  It settled him  completely,
and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees.
Such are the uncertainties of war!
To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements-to
mount my Arab charger-to drink off what O'Gawler
had left of the sangaree-and to gallop to the g(eneral,




200           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
was a work of a moment.  I found him as comfortably
at tiffin, as if he were at his own house in London.
"General," said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs
(or tent), "you must leave your lunch if you want to
fight the enemy."
" The enemy-psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on
the other side of the river."
"I can only tell your excellency, that the enemy's
guns will hardly carry five miles; and that Cornet
O'Gawler was this moment shot dead at my side with
a cannon ball."
" Ha! is it so?" said his excellency, rising, and laying
down the drum-stick of a grilled chicken.  " Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of Europe are upon us,
and follow me!"
Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his
cocked hat; each British heart beat high  at the
thoughts of the coming melee.  We mounted our
horses, and galloped swiftly after the brave old general;
I not the last in the train, upon my famous black
charger.
It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in
force within three miles of our camp, and from a hillock
in the advance to which we galloped, we were enabled
with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing
line. Nothing can better describe it than this:A
-A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                  201
and twenty pieces of artillery which defended his line.
lie was, moreover, entrenched; and a wide morass in
his fiont gave him  an additional security.
His excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and
then said, turning' round to one of his aides-de-camp,
"Order up Mlajor-Genr ral Tinkler and the cavalry."
" Here, does your excellency mean?" said the aidede-camp, surprised, for the enemly had perceived us,
and the cannon-balls were flying about as thick as peas.
"Here, Sir, said the old general, stamping  witlh his
foot in a passioni, and the A.D.C. shrugrged his shoulders and galloped away.  In five minutes we heard the
trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater
part of the cavalry had joined us.
Up they came. five thousand men, their standards
flapping in the air, their long line of polished jack-boots
gleamiin' in the golden sun-light.  "And now we are
here," staid   ajor-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler, " what
next?"   "O  d        it," said the commander-in-chief,
" charge, charge-nothing like charging-galloping —
guns-rascally black scoundrels-charge, charge!" and
then, turning round to me, (perhaps he was glad to
change the conversation,) he said, "Lieutenant Gahagaan,
you will stay with me."
And well for him  I dCid, for I do not hesitate to
say, that the battle was gained- by me.  I do not mean
to insult the reader by pretending that any personal
exertions of mine turned  the day,-that I killed, for
instance, a regiment of cavalry, or swallowed a battery
of guns,-such  absurd tales would disgrace both the
hearer and the teller.  I, as is well known, never say a
single word  which cannot be proved, and hate more
9*




202           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
than all other vices the absurd sin of egotism; I simply
mean that my advice to the general, at a quarter past
two o'clock in the afternoon of that day, won this great
triumph for the British army.
Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this
war, though somehow they have omitted all mention of
the hero of it.  General Lake, for the victory of that
day, became Lord Lake, of Laswaree. Laswaree! and
who forsooth was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I
can lay my hand upon my heart, and say that I was.
If any proof is wanting of the fact, let me give it at
once, and from the highest military testimony in the
world, I mean that of the EMPEROR NAPOLEON.
In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on
board  the Prince  Regent, Captain  Harris, which
touched at St. Helena on its passage from Calcutta to
England.  In company with the other officers on board
the ship, I paid my respects to the illustrious exile of
Longwood, who received us in his garden, where he
was walking about in a nankeen dress and a large
broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General Montholon,
Count Las Cases, and his son Emanuel, then a little
boy, who I dare say does not recollect me, but who
nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels
of my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview
with his Imperial Majesty.
Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by
the way!) by General Montholon, and the Emperor, as
each was pronounced, made a bow to the owner of it,
but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came
to mine. The Emperor looked me at once in the face,
took his hands out of his pockets, put them behind his




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.               203
back, and coming up to me smiling, pronounced the
following words:" Assye, Delhi, Deeg, F  ttyghur."
I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said" Sire, c'est moi."
" Parbleu! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, holding out his snuff-box.  " En utsez vous, Major?"  I
took a large pinch (which, with the honour of speaking
to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes), and
he continued as nearly as possible in the following
words:
"Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation.
Your third brother, the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade."
Gahagan.-" Sire, it is true.  He and my countrymen in your Majesty's service stood under the green
flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat Wellington back.
It was the only time, as your Maajesty knows, that Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war."
NVapoleon (looking as if he would say "D-  your
candour, Major Gahagan.")-' Well, well; it was so.
Your brother was a Count, and died a General in my
service."
Gahagan.-"' te was found lying upon the bodies
of nine-and-twenty Cossacks at Borodino.  They were
all dead, and bore the Galhagan mark."
Napoleon (to Montllolon).-" C'est vrai, Montholon,
je vous donne mla parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que
c'est vrai.  Ils ne font pas d'autres, ces terribles Ga'gans.
You must know that Monsieur gained the battle of
Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz.  In this
way:-  e belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his




204           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
cavalry, and placing them in front of Holkar's batteries,
qui balayaient la plaine, was for charging the enemy's
batteries with his horse, who would have been dcrases,
nitraillds, foudroyes to a man, but for the cunning of
cc grand rouge que vots voyez."
Montholon.-" Coquin de ilajor, va!"
Napoleon.-" Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake,
with his great bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the
facheuse position into which he had brought his troops,
he was for dying on the spot, and would infallibly have
done so-and the loss of his army would have been the
ruin of the East India Company-and the ruin of the
English East India Company would have established my
empire (bah! it was a republic then!) in the East; but
that the man before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was
riding at the side of General Lake."
iMontholo n (with an accent of despair and fury)." Gredin! cent mille tonnerres de Dieu!"
Napoleon (benignantly).-" Calbe-toi, mon fidele ami.
What will you?  It was fate.  Gahagan, at the critical
period of the battle, or rather slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a
retreat."
Montholon-" Le lache!  Un Francais meurt, mais
il ne recule jamais."
Napoleon.-" Stupide!  Don't you  see why the
retreat was ordered?-don't you know that it was a
feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar fiomn his
impregnable retrenchments?  Don't you know that the
ignorant Indian fell into the snare, and issuing from
behind the cover of his guns, came down with his
cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dra



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              205
goons?  Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon
him; the hardy children of the north swept down his
feeble horsemen, bore them back to their guns, which
were useless, entered Iolkar's entrenchments along with
his troops, sabred the artillerymen at their pieces, and
won the battle of Delhi!"
As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red,
his eye flashed fire, his deep clear voice rung as of old,
when he pointed out the enemy from  beneath the
shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the
charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram.  I
have had many a proud moment in my life, but never
such a proud one as this; and I would readily pardon
the word " coward," as applied to me by Montholon, in
consideration of the testimony which his master bore in
my favour.
"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, " why
had I not such a man as you in my service?  I would
have made you a Prince and a Marshal!" and h1ere he
fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the
purport.  He was thinking doubtless, that I might have
retrieved his fortunes, and indeed I have very little
doubt that I might.
Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur
Marchand, Napoleon's valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage and talking upon the politics
of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me deeply
impressed by the condescension he had shewn in this
remarkable interview.




206           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
CHAPTER  III.
A PEEP INTO SPAIN-ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND
SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS.
Head Quarters, aMorella, Sept. 15, 1838.
I HAVE been here for some months, along with my
young friend Cabrera; and in the hurry and bustle of
war-daily on guard and in the batteries for sixteen
hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe
wounds, and seven musket-balls in my body-it may
be imagined that I have had little time to think about
the publication of my memoirs.  inter arma silent leges
-in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing! as
the poet says; and I never would have bothered myself
with a pen, had not common gratitude incited me to
throw off a few pages. The publisher and editor of
"The New Monthly Magazine" little know what service has been done to me by that miscellany.
Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been
beleaguering this place, there was a young Milesian,gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor Emmett Fitzgerald
Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of Gray's
Inn, and what he called Bay Ah of Trinity College,
Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with the Queen's people not
in a military capacity, but as representative of an
English journal, to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit of transmitting accounts
of the movements of the belligerents, and his own
opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving, for the




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             207
discharge of this duty, a couple of guineas a-week from
the proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled, as I need scarcely say, to make such a show in
Oraa's camp as only a Christino general officer, or at
the very least a colonel of a regiment, can afford to
keep up.
In the famous sortie which we made upon the
twenty-third, I was of course among the foremost in
the melee, and found myself, after a good deal of
slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to describe here), in the court of a small inn or
podesta, which had been made the headquarters of
several queenite officers during the siege.  The pesatero
or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave
chapel-churies, with his fine family of children —the
officers quartered in the podesta had of course bolted;
but one man remained, and my fellows were on the
point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their
borachios, when I arrived in the room time enough to
prevent the catastrophe.  Seeing before me an individual in the costume of a civilian-a white hat, a
light-blue satin cravat, embroidered with butterflies and
other quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and
a pair of blue plaid trousers, I recognised at once a
countryman, and interposed to save his life.
In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was
saying all that he could to induce the chapel-churies to
give up their intention of slaughtering him; but it is
very little likely that his protestations would have had
any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room,
and shouted to the ruffians to hold their hand.
Seeing a general officer before them (I have the




208            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
honour to hold that rank in the service of his Catholic
Majesty), and moreover one six feet four in height, and
armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword, so called,
because it is five feet long) which is so well known
among the Spanish armies-seeing, I say, this figure,
the fellows retired, exclaiming, "Adios, corpo di bacco,
nosotros," and so on, clearly proving (by their words)
that they would, if they dared, have immolated the
victim  whom  I had thus rescued from  their fury.
" Villains!" shouted I, hearing them grumble, "away!
quit the apartment!"  Each man, sulkily sheathing his
sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla.
It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I have briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he had a family in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and
that his most intimate friend the English ambassador
would move heaven and earth to revenge his fall, he
directed my attention to a portmanteau passably well
filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my
troops.  I said, though with much regret, that I must
subject his person to a search; and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what I fear you will
consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon
Mr. Sheeny's person three sovereigns in English money
(which I have to this day), and singularly enough a
copy of "The New Monthly Magazine" for March,
which contained my article.  It was a toss-up whether
1 should let the poor young man be shot or no, but this
little circumstance saved his life. The gratified vanity
of authorship induced me to accept his portmanteau
and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free.




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             209
I put the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and
the podesta.
The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building,
and it was full time for me to follow, for I found our
sallying-party, after committing dreadful ravages in
Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon the fort, hotly
pressed by a superior force of the enemy.  I am pretty
well known and respected by the men of both parties
in Spain (indeed I served for some months on the
Queen's side before I came over to Don Carlos); and,
as it is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect
to receive it when taken myself.  On issuing from the
podesta, with Sheeny's portmanteau and my sword in
my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see
our own men in a pretty good column retreating at
double-quick, and about four hundred yards beyond
me up the hill leading to the fort, while on my left
hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the
queenite lancers were clattering along the road.
I had got into the very middle of the road before I
made this discovery, so that the fellows had a full sight
of me, and, whizz! came a bullet by my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round-there
were seventy of the accursed ma'rados at the least, and
within, as I said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that
I stopped to fight seventy men, you would write me
down a fool or a liar: no, Sir, I did not fight, I ran
away.
I am six feet four-my figure is as well known in the
Spanish army as that of the Count de Luchana, or my
fierce little friend  Cabrera  himself.'"GAHAGAN!"
shouted out half-a-dozen scoundrelly voices, and fifty




210           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
more shots came rattling after me. I was running,
running as the brave stag before the hounds-running
as I have done a great number of times before in my
life, when there was no help for it but a race.
After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that
I had gained nearly three upon our column in front,
and that likewise the Christino horsemen were left behind some hundred yards more, with the exception of
three, who were fearfully near me. The first was an
officer without a lance; he had fired both his pistols at
me, and was twenty yards in advance of his comrades;
there was a similar distance between the two lancers who
rode behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1,
and as he came up delivered cut 3 at his horse's near
leg —off it flew, and down, as I expected, went horse
and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through
my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I
could but get that fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe,
and I executed at once the plan which I hoped was to
effect my rescue.
I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and, unwilling to part with some of the articles
it contained-some shirts, a bottle of whiskey, a few
cakes of Windsor soap, &c., &c.,-I had carried it thus
far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice
it malgre moi.  As the lancer came up, I dropped my
sword from my right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head with aim so true, that he fell back on
his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse gallopped up to me, I had no difficulty in dismounting
the rider-the whiskey bottle struck him over his right
eye, and he was completely stunned.  To dash him




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             211
from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work
of a moment; indeed, the two combats had taken place
in about a fifth part of the time which it has taken the
reader to peruse the description.  But in the rapidity
of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's
horse, I had committed a very absurd oversight —  was
scampering away without my sword!  What was I to
do?-to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the legs of
my horse for safety!
The lancer behind me gained on me every moment,
and I could hear his horrid laugh as he neared me. I
leaned forward jockey-fashion in my saddle, and kicked,
and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in vain.
Closer-closer-the point of his lance was within two
feet of my back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and
fancy my agony when I felt it enter —through exactly fifty-nine pages of the " New Monthly Magazine."
Had it not been for " The New Monthly Magazine and
Humourist," I should have been impaled without a
shadow of a doubt. Am I wrong in feeling gratitude?
Have I not cause to continue my contributions?
When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of
the sallying party, I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of the lancer's thrust
(as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a ball
came whiz over my head from our fellows, and, entering
at his nose, put a stop to his lancing for the future). I
hastened to Cabrera's quarter, and related to him some
of my adventures during the day.
" But, General," said he, " you are standing.  I beg
you' chiudete l'uscio' (take a chair)."
I did so, and then for the first time was aware that




212            SOME PASSAGES IN TIHE
there was some foreign substance in the tail of my coat,
which prevented my sitting at ease.  I drew out the
Magazine which I had seized, anl there, to my wonder,
discovered the Christino lance twisted up like a fishhook, or a pastoral crook.
"Ha! ha! ha!" said Cabrera (who is a notorious
wag).
" Valdepenas madrileios," growled out Tristany.
" By my cachuca di caballero" (upon my honour as
a gentleman), shrieked out Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with
laughter, " I will send it to the Bishop of Leon for a
crozier."
" Gahagan has consecrated it," giggled out Ramon
Cabrera; and so they went on with their muchacas for
an hour or more.  But, when they heard that the
means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly
Christino had been the Magazine containing my own
history, their laugh was changed into wonder.  I read
them  (speaking Spanish more fluently than English)
every word of my story.  "But how  is this " said
Cabrera.  "You surely have other adventures to relate "'
"Excellent Sir," said I, "I have;" and that very
evening, as we sat over our cups of tertullia (sangaree),
I continued my narrative in  nearly the  following
words:" I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi,
which ended, as everybody knows, in the complete
triumph of the British arms.  But who gained the
battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi
and Laswaree, while Major Gaha-nonsense, never mind
hint, never mind the charge he executed when, sabre in




LIFE OF MAJOR GAIAGAN.                213
hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in the mouth of the
roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes,
when, with one hand seizing the sacred peish-cush, or
fish-which was the banner always borne before Scindiah,-he, with his good sword, cut off the trunk of
the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony,
plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his
giant brethren, tossing, like chaff before the wind, the
affrighted kitmatgars.  He, meanwhile, now plunging
into the midst of a battalion of consumahs, now cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,*
rushed on, like the simoom  across the red Zaharan
plain, killing, with his own hand, a hundred and fortythr-but never mind-' alone he did it;' sufficient be
it for him, however, that the victory was won; he cares
not for the empty honours which were awarded to more
fortunate men!
" We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor
blind old Shah Allum  received us, and bestowed all
kinds of honours and titles on our general. As each
of the officers passed before him, the shah did not fail
to remark my person,t and was told my name.
"Lord Lake whispered to him  my exploits, and the
old man was so delighted with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose trunk I use to this day),
that he said,' Let him be called GUJPUTI,' or the lord
of elephants, and Gujputi was the name by which I
* The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic reader may re,
collect is mentioned by Suidas (in his Commentary on the Flight of Darius),
is so called by the Mahrattas.
t There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part. Shah Allum
was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have seen Gahagan l The
thing is manifestly impossible.




214             SOIE PASSAGES IN TIlE
was afterwards familiarly known among the natives —the men, that is.  The women had a softer appellation
for me, and called me' Aushook, or charmer.
"Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless
well known to the reader; nor the siege of Agra, to
which place we went from  Delhi; nor the terrible day
at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice
it to  say that we were victorious, and  that I was
wounded, as I have invariably been in the two hundred
and four occasions when I have found myself in action.
One point, however, became in the course of this campaign quite evident-that something?m2ust be dcone for
Gahacaan.  The country cried shame, the king's troops
grumbled, the sepoys openly  murmured that their
Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed
such sicgnal services.  What was to be done?  Lord
"Wellesley was in an evident quandary.' Gahagan,'
wrote he,' to be a subaltern is evidently not your fateyou were born for comma7nd; but Lake and General
Wellesley are good officers, they cannot be turned outI must make a post for you.  WAhat say you, my dear
fellow, to a corps of irrlegular horse!
" It was thus that the falmous corps of AHIEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had its origin; a guerilla force, it is
true, but one which will long be remembered in the
annals of our Indian campaigns.
"As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed
to settle the uniform of the corps, as well as to select
recruits. These were not wanting as soon as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my
standard a great deal faster than to the regular corps




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              215
in the Company's service.  I had European officers, of
course, to command them, and a few of my countrymen
as sergeants; the rest were all natives, whom  I chose
of the strongest and bravest men in India, chiefly
Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and Calliawns, for
these are well known to be the most warlike districts
of our Indian territory.
"When on parade and in full uniform  we made a
singular and noble appearance. I was always fond of
dress; and, in this instance, gave a carte-blanche to my
taste, and invented the most splendid costume that ever
perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated
already, six feet four inches in height, and of matchless
symmetry and proportion.  My hair and beard are of
the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely to be
distinguished at a distance from  scarlet.  My eyes are
bright blue, overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the
colour of my hair, and a terrific gash of the deepest
purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid, and the
cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more
strictly military appearance than  can be conceived.
When I have been drinking (as is pretty often the case)
this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have another
which took off a piece of my under lip, and shows five
of my front teeth, I leave you to imagine that' seldom
lighted on the earth,' (as the monster Burke remarked
of one of his unhappy victims,)' a more extraordinary
vision.' I improved these natural advantages; and,
while in cantonment during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to grow very long, as did my
beard, which reached to my waist.  It took me two
hours daily to curl my hair in ten thousand little cork



216             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
screw ringlets, wlich waved over my shoulders, and to
get my inustachios well round to. the corners of my
eyelids.  I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and red
morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same
colour round mv waist; a scarlet turban three feet high,
and decorated with a tuft of the scarlet feathers of the
flamingo, formed mly headdress, and I did not allow
myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull and
cross-bones in front of my turban.  Two brace of pistols,
a Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and
very nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant
costume.  My two fags were each surmounted with a
real skull and cross-bones, and ornamented one with a
black, and the other with a red beard, (of enormous
length, taken from  men slain in battle by me.)  On one
flag were of course the arms of John Company; on the
other, an image of myself bestridinu' a prostrate elephant,
with the simple word' GUJPUTI' written underneath in
the Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit character.  I rode
my black horse, and looked, by the immortal gods, like
Mars!  To me might be applied the words which were
written concerning handsome General Webb, in Marlborough's time:
"'To noble danger he conducts the way,
His great example all his troop obey,
Before the front the MAJOR sternly rides,
With such an air as Mars to battle strides.
Propitious heaven must sure a hero save
Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave I'
"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger, Pappendick, Stuffle, &c. &c.) were




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                 217
dressed exactly in the same way, but in yellow, and the
men were similarly equipped, but in black.  I have seen
many regiments since, and many ferocious-looking men,
but the Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful
to the view than any set of ruffians on which I ever set
eyes. I would to heaven that the Czar of Muscovy had
passed through Caubul and Lahore, and that I with my
old Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him!
Bless you, bless you, my swart companions in victory!
through the mist of twenty years I hear the booming of
your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimetars as
ye rage in the thickest of the battle!*
" But away with  melancholy  reminiscences.  You
may fancy what a figure the Irregulars cut on a fieldday-a line of five hundred black-faced, black-dressed,
black-horsed, black-bearded men-Biggs, Glogger, and
the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field
like flashes of lightning: myself enlightening them, red,
solitary, and majestic, like yon glorious orb in heaven.
" There are very few men, I presume, who have not
heard of Holkar's sudden and gallant incursion into the
Dooab, in the year 1804, when we thought that the
victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg
had completely  finished  him.  Taking ten thousand
horse, he broke up his camp at Palimbang; and the
first thing General Lake heard of him  was, that he was
at Pufia, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam-he
was, in fact, in the very heart of our territory.
* I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to pretendthat my genius
as a writer has not been equalled in former times; but if, in the works of
Byron, Scott, Goethe, or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful
sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is all-I simply say, I
will be obliged to him.-G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
10




218            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
"The unfortunate part of the affair was this: —Iis
excellency, despising the Malratta chieftain, had allowed
him to advance about two thousand miles in his front,
and knew not in the slightest degree where to lay hold
on him.  Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly
Gunge? nobody knew, and for a considerable period the
movements of Lake's cavalry were quite ambiguous,
uncertain, promiscuous, and undetermined.
" Such briefly was the state of affairs in October, 1804.
At the beginning of that month I had been wounded
(a trifling scratch cutting off my left upper eyelid, a bit
of my cheek, and my under-lip), and I was obliged to
leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I
retired for my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtvghur-it is, as every two-penny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab.  We have there
a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of
the surgeon and the sticking-plaster.
"Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or
towns; the lower Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and
the upper (which is fortified slightly, and has all along
been called Futtyghur, meaning in Hindostanee,'thefavourite-resort-of- the white - faced-Feringh ees-near-th emangoe-tope-consecrated-to-Ram') occupied by Europeans.  (It is astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive
that language is, and how much can be conveyed in
one or two of the commonest phrases.)
"Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of
wondrous pranks with Lord Lake's army, whilst I was
detained an unwilling prisoner of health at Futtyghur.
"An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say.
The eantonment at Futtyghur contained that which




LTFE OF MAJOR OAHAGAN.              219
would have made any man a happy slave. Womran,
lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety!
The fact is, that, when the campaign commenced in
1803, the ladies of the army all congregated to this
place, where they were left. as it was supposed, in safety.
I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of
all.  I may at least mention some whose memory is still
most dear to me. There was" Mrs. Major General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the
infantry.
Miss Bulcher.
"Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the
printer to place in large capitals).
"Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy.
"Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan.
"The Honourable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks,
Wicks, and many more too numerous to mention. The
flower of our camp was, however, collected there, and
the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were'Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge.
Guard them with your life, watch over them with your
honour, defend them with the matchless power of your
indomitable arm.'
Futtyghur is, as I have said, an European station,
and the pretty air of the bungalows, amid the clustering
topes of mangoe-trees, has often ere this excited the
admiration of the tourist and sketcher.  On the brow
of a hill, the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at
its base, and no spot, in a word, can be conceived more
exquisitely arranged, both by art and nature, as a
favourite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher,
Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies




220            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
above-mentioned, had each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and between one cottage
and another my time passed as delightfully as can the
hours of any man who is away from his darling occupation of war.
"I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little
insignificant pettah, defended simply by a couple of
gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp, and a bombproof embrasure; on the top of this my flag was planted, and the small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in the casemates within.  A surgeon and  two chaplains (there were besides three
reverend gentlemen, of amateur missions, who lived in
the town) completed, as I may say, the garrison of our
little fortalice, which I was left to defend and to command.
" On the night of the 1st of November, in the year
1804, I had invited Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and
her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and, indeed,
all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in
honour of the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting-season, and indeed as a farewell
visit, for it was my intention to take dawk the very next
morning and return to my regiment.  The three amateur'missionaries whom I have mentioned, and some
ladies in the cantonment of very rigid religious principles, refused to appear at my little party. They had
better never have been born than have done as they
did, as you shall hear.
" We had been dancing merrily all night, and the
supper (chiefly of the delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar kind, which I had




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             221
shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by
every lady and gentleman present; when I took an
opportunity to retire on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I was occupied, as
the French say, in conter-ing fleurettes to this sweet
young creature, when, all of a sudden, a rocket was
seen whizzing through the air, and a strong light was
visible in the valley below the little fort.
"' What, fire-works! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda,'this is too gallant.'
"'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I,' they are
fire-works of which I have no idea: perhaps our friends
the missionaries-', -
"'Look, look!':said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my arm;' what do I see? yes-no
-yes! it is-our bungalow is in flames!'
"It was true the spacious bungalow  occupied by
Mrs. Major-General was at that moment seen a prey to
the devouring element-another and another succeeded
it-seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate
the name of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly
in the black midnight air!
" I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the
spot where the conflagration raged, what was my
astonishment to see thousands of black forms dancing
round the fires; whilst by their lights I could observe
columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and
taking up their ground in the very middle of the open
square or tank, round which the bungalows were built!
"'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and
trembling Belinda clung closer to my side, and pressed
the stalwart arm that encircled her waist),' down with




222            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
the drawbridge! see that your masolgees (small tumbtils whicl are used in place of large artillery) be well
loaded; you sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin  you
choprasees, put out the lights in the embrasures! we
shall have warm work of it to-night, or my name is not
Goliah Gahagan.'
"The ladies, the guests (to the number of eightythree), the sepoys, choprasees, masolgees, and so on,
had all crowded on the platform at the sound of my
shouting, and dreadful was the consternation, shrill the
screaming, occasioned by my words.  The men stood
irresolute and mute with terror; the women trembling,
knew scarcely whither to fly for refuge.' Who are
yonder ruffians?' said I; a hundred voices yelped in
reply-some said the Pindarees, some said the Maharattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, and others declared
it was Ilolkar-no one knew.
"' Is there any one here,' said I,' who will venture
to reconnoitre yonder troops'   There was a dead
pause.
"'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring
me news of yonder army!' again I repeated.  Still a
dead silence. The fact was that Scindiahl and tlolkar
both wvere so notorious for their cruelty, that no one
dared venture to face the danger.' Oh for fifty of my
brave Ahmednuggarees!' thought I.
"'Gentlemen,' said I,' I see it-you are cowards —
none of you dare encounter the chance e'en of death.
It is an encouraging prospect —know  you not that tile
r-ffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the morrow's dawn
beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men
against our walls a know you not that, if we are taken,




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                228
there is no quarter, no hope; death for us-and worse
thlan death for these lovely ones assembled  here V
Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have
heard the jackalls on a summer's evening.  Belinda,
my dear Belinda! flung both her arms round me, and
sobbed on  my shoulder, (or in my waistcoat-pocket
rather, for the little witch could reach no higher.)
"' Captain   Gahagan,' sobbed  she,' Go-GoGoggleiah!'
"'My soul's adored!' replied I
"' Swear to me one thing.'
"' I swear.'
"'That if —that if-the nasty, horrid, odious black
Mah-ra-a-a-attahs take the fort, you will put me out of
their power.'
" I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore
upon my sword that, rather than slhe should incur the
risk of dishonour, sle should perish by my own hand.
This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-GeneIal Bu!lcler, and her elder sister, who had not until now
known a word of our attachment (indeed, but for these
e(xtraordinary circumstances, it is probable that we ourselves should never have discovered it), were under
these painful circumstances made aware of my beloved
Belinda's partiality for me+  Having communicated thus
her wish of self-destruction, I thought her example a
touching and excellent one, and proposed to all the
ladies that they should follow it, and that at the entry
of tlle enemy into the fort, and at a signal given by me,
they sllhuld one and all make away with themselves.
Fancy my disgust when, after making this proposition,
not one of the ladies chose to accede to it, and received




224           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
it with the same chilling denial that my former proposal
to the garrison had met with.
" In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it, a trumpet was heard at the gate of
the fort, and one of the sentinels came running to me.
saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate with
a flag of truce i
"I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out,
that the party, whoever they might be, had no artillery;
and received at the point of my sword a scroll, of which
the following is a translation:" TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI.
"'Lord of Elephants, Sir,-I have the honour to
inform you that I arrived before this place at eight
o'clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under my orders.
I have burned since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in
Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been
under the painful necessity of putting to death three
clergymen (mollahs), and seven English officers whom
I found in the village; the women have been transferred to safe keeping in the harems of my officers and
myself.
"'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be
very happy if you will surrender the fortress, and take
service as a major-general (hookabadar) in my army.
Should my proposal not meet with your assent, I beg
leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort,
and on taking it, shall put to death every male in the
garrison, and every female above twenty years of age.
For yourself I shall reserve a punishment, which for




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             225
novelty and exquisite torture, has, I flatter myself,
hardly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favour of a
reply, I am, Sir,
"' Your very obedient servant,
" JASWUNT ROW HOLKAR.
"' Camp before Futtyghur, Sept. 1, 1804.
"'R. S. V. P'"
"The officer who had brought this precious epistle
(it is astonishing how Holkar had aped the forms of
English correspondence), an enormous Pitan soldier,
with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape round
which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate
on his matchlock, and whistling a national melody. I
read the letter, and saw at once there was no time to
be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to
Holkar.  Were he to attack us now  before we were
prepared, the fort would be his in half an hour.
" Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I
flung open the gate and advanced to the officer; he was
standing, I said, on the little bridge across the moat.  I
made him a low salaam, after the fashion of the country, and, as he bent forward to return the compliment,
I am sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent
blow on the head which deprived him of all sensation,
and then dragged him within the wall, raising the drawbridge after me.
"I bore the body into my own apartment; there,
swift as thought, I stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes, and, putting them
on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the
enemy."
~*      a*?       *        *         *
10*




226             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
IIere I was obliged to stop, for Cabrerla, Ros d'Eioles,
and the rest of the staff, were sound asleep!  What I
did in my reconnaissance, and how I defended the fort
of Futtyghlur, I shall have the honour of telling on another occasion.
CHAPTER IV.
THE INDIAN CAMP-THE SORTIE FROM  THE FORT.
Head Quarters, M3orella, October 3, 1838.
IT is a balmy night.  I hear the merry jingle of the
tambourine, and the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my casement, under the
shadow of the clustering vines.  The laugh and song
pass gaily round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears of the Andalusian girls, or
joins in the thrilling chorus of Riego's hymn, which is
ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery
of Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible
and most bomb-proof tower of our little fortalice; the
large casements are open-the wind, as it enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the orange
grove and the myrtle bower.  My torch (a branch of
the fragrant cedar tree) flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses its scent and burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I write-meet implements for a soldier's authorship!-it is cartridge
paper over which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              227
barrel of gunpowder forms my rough writing-table.
Around niie. below me, above me, all-all is peace! I
think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, England I
and muse over the sweet and bitter recollections of my
early days! Let me resume my narrative, at the point
where (interrupted by the authoritative summons of
war) I paused on the last occasion.
I left off, I think (for I an  a thousand miles away
from proof-sheets as I write-and, were I not writing
the simple TRUTH, must contradict myself a thousand
times in the course of my tale,) I think, I say, that I left
off at that period of my story, when, Holkar being
before Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I
had just been compelled to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in the fallen Indian's accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre the force, and, if possible, to learn the intentions of the enemy. However
much my figure might have resembled that of the
Pitan, and, disguised in his armour, might have deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was
about to plunge, it was evident that a single glance at
my fair face and auburn beard would have undeceived
the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army.  Seizing, then,
a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and
my hands, and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made my hair and beard as black as ebony.
The Indian's helmet and chain hood covered likewise a
great part' of my face, and I hoped thus, with luck,
impudence, and a complete command of all the Eastern
dialects and languages, from Burmah to Afghanistan, to
pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous ordeal.
I had not the word of the night it is true-but I




228           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
trusted to good fortune for that, and passed boldly out
of the fortress, bearing the flag of truce as before; I had
scarcely passed on a couple of hundred yards, when, lo 
a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just
overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading a
noble white charger, and no sooner did he see me than,
dismounting from his own horse, and giving the rein to
a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger;
a second fellow likewise dismounted and followed the
first; one held the bridle of the horse, while the other
(with a multitude of salaams, aleikums, and other genuflexions,) held the jewelled stirrup, and kneeling, waited
until I should mount.
I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come
up to the fort was a great man-that was evident; I
walked on with a majestic air, gathered up the velvet
reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked
saddle.  "Buk, buk," said I, "It is good-in the name
of the forty-nine Imaums, let us ride on;" and the whole
party set off at a brisk trot, I keeping silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was about to
encounter.
As we rode along, I heard two of the men commetting upon my unusual silence (for I suppose, I-that is,
the Indian-was a talkative officer.)  "The lips of the
Bahawder are closed," said one-" where are those birds
of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned
between the golden bars of his teeth!"
"Kush," said his companion, "be quiet! Bobbachy
-:-Bahawder has seen the dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan
Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword reaps the
harvest of death; there is but one champion who can




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.           229
wear the papooshes of the elephant-slayer-it is Bobbachy Bahawder!"
" You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder
ruminates on the words of the unbeliever; he is an
ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his thoughts."
"Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young
birds, his actions, be strong, and swift in flight."
"May they digest iron!" said Puneeree Muckun,
who was evidently a wag in his way.
O, ho! thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon
me. It was, then, the famous Bobbachy Bahawder,
whom I overcame just now! and he is the man destined to stand in my slippers, is he? and I was at that
very moment standing in his own! Such are the
chances and changes that fall to the lot of the soldier!
I suppose everybody-everybody who has been in
India, at least,-has heard the name of Bobbachy
Bahawder; it is derived from the two Hindoostanee
words-bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman.
He had entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, by his merit and his undaunted bravery
in action, attained the dignity of the peacock's feather,
which is only granted to noblemen of the first class; he
was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's innumerable
daughters; a match which, according to the Chronique
Scandaleuse, brought more of honour than of pleasure
to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the field,
it was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven
alive-completely subjugated by his ugly and odious
wife. In all matters of importance the late Bahawder
had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears
(knowing my character, and not caring to do anything




230             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
rash il llis attack upon so  friliiimlble an enemy), sent
Filrw-ard tile unli'ortullate Pitan to reconiitre tilhe fort;
lie was to Ihave done yet more, as I learned friom  the
attendlant Puneeree Allckun, who was, I soon found
out, an old favourite with the Bobbachy-doubtless on
account  of his honesty and love of repartee.
"Tihe Bahawder's lips are closed," said lie, at last,
trotting' up to me; " las lie not a word for old Puneeree Muclkun V"
"Bislnillah, mashallah, barikillah," sail I;  which
means, " my good friend, what I have seen is not worth
t!ie trouble of relation, and fills my bosom  witl the
darkest forebodinlgs."
You could  not then  see the Gujputi alone, and
stab himi  with your d.laoger "
[Here was a pretty conspiracy!]  "No, I saw him,
but not alone; llis people were always with him."
" llurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited  but tlle
sound of your jogree (whistle), and straightway would
have galloped up, and seized upon every man, woman.
and clild in the fort: however, there are but a dozen
men in the garrison, and they have not provision for
two days-they must yield; and then, hurrah for the
moon-faces!  Mashallah! I am  told the soldiers who
first get in  are to  have  their pick.  How  my old
woman, Rotee Muckun, will be surprised, when I bring
home a couple of Feringhee wives,-ha! ha!"
"Fool!" said I, " be still!-twelve men in the garrison! there are twelve hundred!  Gahag'an himself is
as good as a thousand men; and as for food, I saw,
with my own eyes, five hundred bullocks grazing in the
court-yard as I entered."  This was a bouncer, I con



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                231
fess; but my object was to deceive Puneeiee Mr uc'un,
and give hiim as highl a notion as possible of tlle clpabilities of defence which the besieged had.
"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of a fortress, we shall never be able to take it until
our guns come up."
There was hope, then! they had no battering train.
Ere this arrived, I trusted tlat Lord Lake would hear
of our plight, and march down to rescue us.  Thus
occupied in thought and conversation, we rode on until
the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puilleeree gave the word, and we passed on into the celntre of
Ilolkar's camp.
It was a strange-a stirring sight!  The camp-fires
were lighted; and round them-eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of the dancing-girls, or
listening to the stories of some Dhol Baul  (or Illndi;in
improvvisatore) -were  thousands of dusky  soldiery.
The camels and horses were picketed under the banyan
trees, on which the ripe nmangoe fruit was growing, and
offered  them  an  excellent food.  Towards the spot
which the golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in
the wind, designated as the tent of Holkar, led an
immense avenue-of elephants! the finest street, indeed, I ever saw.  Each of the monstrous animals had
a castle on its back, armed with Mauritanian archers
and the celebrated Persian matchlock-men; it was the
feeding-time of these royal brutes, and the grooms
were observed bringing immense toffungs or baskets,
filled  with  pineapples, plantains, bandannas, Indian
corn, and cocoa-nuts, which grow  luxuriantly at all
seasons of the year.  We passed down this extraordi



232           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
nary avenue-no less than three hundred and eightyeight tails did I count on each side-each tail appertaining to an elephant' twenty-five feet high-each
elephant having a two-storied castle on its back-each
castle containing sleeping and eating-rooms for the
twelve men that formed its garrison, and were keeping
watch on the roof-each roof bearing a flag-staff twenty
feet long on its top, the crescent glittering with a thousand
gems, and round it the imperial standard,-each standard, of silk velvet, and cloth of gold, bearing the wellknown device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a
sinople of the first, a chevron, truncated, wavy. I took
nine of these myself in the course of a very short time
after, and shall be happy, when I come to England, to
shew them to any gentleman who has a curiosity that
way. Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade
passed, and at last we arrived at the quarters occupied
by Holkar.
That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were
gathered round one of the British bungalows which
had escaped the flames, and which he occupied during
the siege. When I entered the large room where he
sate, I found him in the midst of a council of war; his
chief generals and viziers seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common way with these black
fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner, supper,
and bedtime. There was such a cloud raised by their
smoke you could hardly see a yard before you-another piece of good luck for me-as it diminished the
chances of my detection. When, with the ordinary
ceremonies, the kitmutgars and consomahs had explained to the prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.            233
right eye of the Sun of the universe (as the ignorant
heathens called me), had arrived from his mission,
Holkar immediately summoned me to the maidaun, or
elevated platform, on which he was seated in a luxurious easy chair, and I, instantly taking off my slippers,
falling on my knees, and beating my head against the
ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees,
a hundred and twenty feet through the room, and then
up the twenty steps which led to his maidaun-a silly,
painful, and disgusting ceremony, which can only be
considered as a relic of barbarian darkness, which tears
the knees and shins to pieces, let alone the pantaloons.  I recommend anybody who goes to India, with
the prospect of entering the service of the native
rajahs, to recollect my advice, and have them well
wadded.
Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he could up the steps of the maidaun
(on which, in rows, smoking as I have said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived
within speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked
me the success of my mission. The impetuous old man
thereon poured out a multitude of questions: " How
many men are there in the fort?" said he; "how many
women?  Is it victualled? have they ammunition 
Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the commander? did you
kill him?"  All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar
puffed out with so many whiffs of tobacco.
Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such
a cloud, that, upon my honour as a gentleman, no man
at three yards' distance could perceive anything of me
except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed,




234             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
I told Holkar, in Oriental language, of course, the best
tale I could with regard to the fort.
"Sir," said I, " to answer your last question firstthat dreadful Gujputi I have seen-and he is alive; he
is eight feet, nearly, in height; he can eat a bullock
daily (of which he has seven hundred at present in the
compound, and swears that during the siege he will
content himself with only three a-week): he has lost,
in battle, his left eye; and what is the consequence?
0 Ram  Gunge (C thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning and-with-beard-as-black-as-night), Goliah GujputiNEVER SLEEPS!"
" Ah, you Ghorumsaug" (you thief of the world),
said the Prince Vizier, Saadut Allee Beg Bimbukchee" it's joking you are;"-and there was a universal buzz
through the room  at the announcement of this bouncer.
I 1v the hundred anr-d eleven incarnations of Vishnou," said I, solemnly (an oath  which no Indian was
ever known to break), "I swear that so it is; so at
least lie told me, and I have good. cause to know his
power.  Gujputi is an enchanter, lie is leaogued with
devils, lie is invulnerable.  "Look," said I, unsheathilng
my dagger, and every eye turned instantly towards me
-" thrice did I stab him with this steel-in the back,
once-twice  right through  the heart; but he only
laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar that the
steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an injury
upon him."
I never saw a man1 in such  a rage- as llolkar was
when I gave himin tllis somewhat imlprudelnt message.
"Ah, lily-iivered  rogue!" shouted  he out to me,
" milk-blooded unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.               235
he after insulting thy master in thy presence?  In the
name of the Prophet, I spit on tliee, defy thee, abhor
thee, degrade thee I Take that, thou liar of the universe! and that-and tllat-and that!"
Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds!
every time this old man said " Take that," he flung
some article near him  at the head of the undaunted
Gahagan-his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly
ornamented  pistols, his turban  covered with jewels,
worth a hundred thousand crores of rupees-finally, his
hookah, snake, mouth-piece, silver bell, chillum and all
-which went hissing over my head, and flattening into
a jelly the nose of the grand vizier.
Yock muzzee!" " my nose is off," said the old man,
mildly; " will you have my life, 0 Holkar? it is thine
likewise!" and no other word of complaint e-caped his
lips.
Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had
gone off as the ferocious Indian flung them at my Ilead,
and the naked scilnitar, fiercely but unadroitly thrown,
had lopped off the linbs of one or two of the musnucs
as they sat trembling on their ornahs, yet, strange to
say, not a single weapon had hurt me.  When the
hubbub ceased, and the unlucky wretches who had been
the victims of this fit of rage had been removed,
Holkar's good-humour somewhat returned, and  lie
allowed me to continue my account of the fort; which
I did, not taking the slightest notice of his burst of impatience, as indeed it would have been the height of
impoliteness to have done, for such accidents happened
many times in the day.
"It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled




236             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
out the poor Grand Vizier, after I had explained to the
council the extraordinary means of defence possessed by
the garrison.  "Your star is bright, 0 Bahawder! for
this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the
fort, and we had sworn to put every one of the infidel
garrison to the edge of the sword."
" But you have no battering train," said I.
" Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders,
quite sufficient to blow the gates open; and then, hey
for a charge!" said Loll Mahommed, a general of
cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and contradicted, therefore, every word I said.  "In the name of
Juggernaut, why wait for the heavy artillery?  Have
we not swords? have we not hearts? Mashallah! Let
cravens stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow
Loll Mahommed!  Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah?"* and drawing his scimitar, he waved it over his
head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was repeated by many of the other omrahs; the sound of their
cheers was carried into the camp, and caught up by the
men; the camels began to cry, the horses to prance and
neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream, the
trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments. I never heard such a din before or after. How
I trembled for my little garrison when I heard the
enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host!
There was but one way for it.  " Sir," said I, addressing Holkar, " go out to-night, and you go to certain death.  Loll Mahommed has not seen the fort as I
The Major has put the most approved language into the mouths of his
Indian characters. Bismillah, Barikallah, and so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of Eastern conversation.




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.            23p
have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what? to
fall before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to
storm another gate, and then another, and then to be
blown up, with Gahagan's garrison, in the citadel.
Who talks of courage? Were I not in your august
presence, O star of the faithful, I would crop Loll
Mahommed's nose from his face, and wear his ears as
an ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here
that knows not the difference between yonder yellowskinned coward and Gahagan Khan Guj-I mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight one, two, three,
or twenty of them, at broad-sword, small-sword, singlestick, with fists, if you please; by the holy piper, fighting is like mate and dthrink to Ga-to Bobbachy, I
mane-whoop! coma on, you divvle, and I'll bate the
skin off your ugly bones."
This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for,
when I am agitated, I involuntarily adopt some of the
phraseology peculiar to my own country; which is so
uneastern, that, had there been any suspicion as to my
real character, detection must indubitably have ensued.
As it was, Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll Mahommed, however,
evidently suspected something, for, as Holkar, with a
voice of thunder, shouted out, "Tomasha," "silence,"
Loll sprung forward and gasped out"My Lord! my Lord; this is not Bob-"
But he could say no more.  "Gag the slave!"
screamed out Holkar, stamping with fury; and a turban
was instantly twisted round the poor devil's jaws.
"Ho, Furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give
him a hundred dozen on the soles of his feet, set him




288            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
upon a white donkey, and carry him round the camp,
with an inscription before him-' This is the way that
Holkar rewards the talkative.' "
I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack
of the bamboo, falling on Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt
peace returning to my mind, and thanked my stars
that I was delivered of this danger.
"Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars
amazingly, "I owe you a reparation for your nose:
kiss the hand of your prince, O Saadat Allee Beg Bimbukehee! be fiom this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut!"
The good old man's eyes filled with tears.  "I can
bear thy severity, O Prince," said he, " I cannot bear
thy love.  Was it not an honour that your highness
did me just now, when you condescended to pass over
the bridge of your slave's nose?"
The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very
poetical. The vizier retired, crowned with his new
honours, to bed.  Holkar was in high good-humour.
"Bobbachy," said  he, " thou, too, must pardon
me;-apropos-I have news for thee.  Your wife, the
incomparable Puttee-Rooge, (white and red rose,) has
arrived in camp."
"MY WIFE, my Lord!" said I, aghast.
"Our daughter, the light of thine eyes!  Go, my
son; I see thou art wild with joy.  The princess's
tents are set up close by mine, and I know  thou
longest to join her."
My wife! here was a complication truly!




LIFE OF MAJOR GA.HAAN.             239
CHAPTER V.
TIHE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE.
I FOUND  Puneeree  Muckun, with  the rest of my
attendants, waiting at the gate, and they ilnmediately
conducted me to my own tents in the neighbourhlood.
I have been in many dangerous predicaments before
that time and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt
in the present instance such a throbbing of the heart as
I never have experienced when leading a forlorn hope,
or marching up to a battery.
As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials
sprung forward, some to ease me of my armour, some
to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs, attar of
roses (in great quart bottles), and the thousand delicacies of Eastern life. I motioned them  away.  "I will
wear my armour," said I; " I shall go forth to-night:
carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve that tonight I have not the time to see her.  Spread me a
couch here, and bring me supper here; a jar of Persian
wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed with pistachio-nuts, a
pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid-anything.
Begone!  Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell
me when the meal is ready."
I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee
Rooge, and hoped to be able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her curious eyes.
After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell
me that my supper was prepared in the inner apartment




240            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
of the tent (I suppose that the reader, if he be possessed
of the commonest intelligence, knows that the tents of
the Indian grandees are made of the finest Cashmere
shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash windows complete).  I entered,
I say, into an inner chamber, and there began with my
fingers to devour my meal in the oriental fashion,
taking, every now  and then, a pull from  the wine-jar
which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow.
I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel
of a most savoury stewed lamb and rice, which had
formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle of feet, a shrill
clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung
open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve slaves,
with moon-faces and slim waists, lovely as the houris in
Paradise.
The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a
contrast to her attendants as could possibly be; she
was crooked, old, of the complexion of molasses, and
rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry
dress and the blazing jewels with which she was covered.  A  line of yellow chalk drawn from  her forehead
to the tip of her nose (which was further ornamented
by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eye-lids painted bright red, and a large dab of the same colour on
her chin, showed she was not of the Mussulman, but
the Brahmin faith-and of a very high caste; you
could see that by her eyes.  My mind was instantaneously made up as to my line of action.
The  male attendants had of course quitted  the
apartment, as they heard the well-known sound of her
voice. It would have been death to them to have re



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              241
mained and looked in her face. The females ranged
themselves round their mistress, as she squatted down
opposite to me.
"And is this," said she, " a welcome, 0 Khan! after
six months' absence, for the most unfortunate and loving
wife in all the world-is this lamb, 0 glutton! half so
tender as thy spouse? Is this wine, 0 sot! half so sweet
as her looks?"
I saw the storm was brewing-her slaves to whom
she turned, kept up a kind of chorus;" 0, the faithless one!" cried they; " 0, the rascal,
the false one, who has no eye for beauty, and no heart
for love, like the Khanum's!"
"A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I, gravely:
"but a lamb has a good temper; a wine-cup is not so
intoxicating as a woman-but a wine-cup has no tongue,
0 Khanum Gee!" and again I dipped my nose in the
soul-refreshing jar.
The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put
off by my repartees; she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed until I
lost all patience.
" Retire, friends," said I, " and leave me in peace."
" Stir, on your peril!" cried the Khanumn.
So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I
drew out my pistols, cocked them, and said, " 0 houris!
these pistols contain each two balls: the daughter of
Holkar bears a sacred life for me-but for you!-by
all the saints of Hindoostan, four of ye shall die if ye
stay a moment longer in my presence!"  This was
enough; the ladies gave a shriek, and skurried out of
the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing,
11




242            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
Now, then, was the time for action.  My wife, or
rather Bobbachy's wife, sate still, a little flurried by the
unusual ferocity which her lord had displayed in her
presence.  I seized her hand, and, gripping it close,
whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol,
" 0 Khanum, listen and scream not; the moment you
scream, you die!"  She was completely beaten: she
turned as pale as a woman could in her situation, and
said, "Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb."
Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which had covered almost the whole
of my face —"I am  not thy husband-I am the slayer
of elephants, the world-renowned GAHAGAN!"
As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair
fell over my shoulders (contrasting strangely with my
dyed face and beard), I formed one of the finest pictures
that can possibly be conceived, and I recommend it as
a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next " Book of Beauty."
" Wretch!" said she, " what wouldst thou?"
"You black faced fiend," said I, "raise but your
voice, and you are dead!"
"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that
you can escape?  The torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will invent for thee."
"Tortures, madam," answered I, coolly, "fiddlesticks!
You will neither betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the contrary, you will give me your best jewels
and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don't grind your
teeth and swear at me.  Listen, madam; you know
this dress and these arms, they are the arms of your
husband, Bobbachy Bahawder-my prisoner.  He now
lies in yonder fort, and, if I do not return before day



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.               243
light, at sunrise he dies: and then, when they send his
corpse back to Holkar, what will you, his widow, do V"
"0 1" said she, shuddering, " spae me, spa re me!"
"I'll tell you what you will do.  You will have the
pleasure of dying along with him-of being roasted,
madam, an agonizing death, from  which your father
cannot save you, to wlich he will be the first man to
condemn and conduct you.  Ila! I see we understand
each other, and you will give me over the cash-box and
jewels."  And so saying I threw myself back with tile
calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her.
"Light me a pipe, my love," said I, " and then go and
hand me over the dollars; do you hear?"  You see I
had her in my power —up a tree, as the Americans say,
and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then
departed for the goods I spoke about.
What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommec had not
been made to take that ride round the camp, I should
infallibly have been lost.
My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my
pipe afterwards, had occupied a couple of hours of my
time.  The princess returned from  her quest, and
brought with her the box, containing valuables to the
amount of about three millions sterling. (I was cheated
of them  afterwards, but have the box still, a plain deal
one.)  I was just about to take my departure, whenl a
tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was
heard at the entrance of the tent.  It was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed Loll Mahommed, whlo,
after his punishment, found his master restored to goodhumour, and had communicated to him his firm conviction that I was an impostor.




244             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
"H,  Begum!" shouted he, in the ante-room (for he
and his people could  not enter the women's apartments), " speak, 0  my daughter! is your husband
returned 2"
"Speak, madam," said I, " or remember the roast^i n/."
" He is, papa," said the Begum.
"Are you sure?  Ho! h    h o " (the old ruffian was
laughing outside)-" are vou sure it is?-Ha! ha I ha!
-he-e-e i"
"Indeed it is he, and no other.  I pray you, father,
to go, a.nd to pass no more such shameless jests on your
daughter.  Have I ever seen the face of any other
man?"  And hereat she began to weep as if her heart
would break-the deceitful minx!
Iolkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury.  " 0,
you liar and eternal thief!" said he, turning round (as I
presume, for I could only hear,) to Loll Mahommed,
" to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this!
Furoshes, seize this man.  I dismiss him from  my service, I degrade him from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property; and, hark ye, Furoshes, GIVE HIM
A HUNDRED DOZEN MORE!"
Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace
flowed into my soul.
Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen
to approach the little fortress of Futtyghur; one was a
woman wrapped closely in a veil, the other a warrior,
remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his form,
who carried in his hand a deal box of considerable size.
The warrior at the gate gave the word and was ad



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             245
mitted; the woman returned slowly to the Indian
camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge; his wasG. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S. C. I. H. A.
CHAPTER VI.
FAMINE IN THE GARRISON.
THUS my dangers for the night being overcome, I
hastened with my precious box into my own apartment,
which communicated with another, where I had left my
prisoner, with a guard to report if he should recover,
and to prevent his escape.  My servant, Ghorumsaug,
was one of the guard.  I called him  and the fellow
came, looking very much confused and frightened, as it
seemed, at my appearance.
" Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look
so pale, fellow?"  (He was as white as a sheet.)' It
is thy master, dost thou not remember him?"  The
man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's clothes,
but was not present when I had blacked my face and
beard in the manner I have described.
"O  Bramah, Vishnou, and Mahomet!" cried the
faithful fellow, " and do I see my dear master disguised
in this way?  For heaven's sake let me rid you of this
odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the
ball-room, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear
amongst them with his roses turned into coal?"
-I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the




246             SOME PASSAGES IN THE
time of which I write, when  only two-and-twenty, I
confess I was a little vain of my personal appearalce,
and not very willing to appear before my dear Belinda
disguised like a b!ackamoor.  I allowed Ghoruisaug
to divest me of the heathenish armour and habiliments
which I wore; and having, with a Aworld of scrubbing
and trouble, divested my face and beard of their black
tinge, I put  on  my  own  becoming  uniform, and
hastened  to wait on the ladies; hastened, I say,although delayed would have been the better word, for
the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours.
" Iow is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?" said I, before
leaving my apartment.
"lie has recovered froml  the blow which the Lion
dealt hlim: two men and myself watch over him; and
Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command) has just
been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure."
I bade Ghorumsanug   help me to put away nmy chest
of treasure (my exultation in taking it was so great,
that I could not help informing him  of its contents);
and this done I despatched him  to lis post near the
prisoner, while I prepared  to sally forth and pay my
respects to the fair creatures under my  protection.
What good after all have I done, thought I to myself,
in this expedition which I had so rashly undertaken l
I had seen the renowned Holker, I had been in the
heart of his camp; I knew the disposition of his troops,
that there were eleven thousand of them, and that he
only waited for his guns to make a regular attack on
the fort.  I had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her
(I say robbed her, and I don't care what the reader or
any other man may think of the act,) of a deal box,




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                247
containing jewels to the amount of three millions sterling,
the property of herself and husband.
Three 1millions in money and jewels!  And what the
deuce were money and jewels to me or to my poor
garrison?  Could  my  adorable Miss Bulcher eat a
fricasee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down
pearls to her tea?  Could I, careless as I am  about
food, with a stomach that would digest anything(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a famine,
and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted
the shoe, as well as the hoof, and never felt the slightest
inconvenience from  either)-could I, I say, expect to
live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a dish
of stewed emeralds and rubies?  With all the wealth
of Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have
paid cheerfully its weight in carats for a good honest
round of boiled beef.  Wealth, wealth, what art thou?
What is gold?-Soft metal.  What are diamonds? —
Shining tinsel.  The great wealth-winners, the only
fame. achievers, the sole objects worthy of a soldier's
consideration, are beef-steaks, gunpowder, and cold iron.
The two latter means of competency we possessed;
I had in my own apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with a candle
burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of
artillery (4 long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers,
and a long, brass mortar, for grape, which I had taken
myself at the battle of Assye), and muskets for ten
times iny force.  My garrison, as I have told the reader
in a previous number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon; add to these my guests, 83 in
number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights,




248           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out
merely for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege).
Such were our numbers:Troops and artillerymen...  40
Ladies.............  74
Other noncombatants....  11
MAJOR G. O'G. GAHAGAN.. 1000
1125
I count myself good for a thousand, for so I wat,
regularly rated in the army: with this great benefit to
it, that I only consumed as much as an ordinary mortal.
We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths;
as combatants we numbered 1040 gallant men, with 12
guns and a fort, against Holkar and his 12,000. No
such alarming odds, ifIf!-ay, there was the rub-if we had shot, as well
as powder, for our guns; if we had not only men but
meat.  Of the former commodity we had only three
rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred
honour, to feed 126 souls, we had but
Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
Of soda-water, four do. do.
Two bottles fine Spanish olives.
Raspberry cream-the remainder of two dishes.
Seven macaroons lying in the puddle of a demolished
trifle.
Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole);




LIFE OF MAJOR GAIIAGAN.           249
the crust of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of
almonds and raisins.
Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and
197 bottles of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my
private stock); a couple of hard eggs for a salad,
and a flask of Florence oil.
This was the provision for the whole garrison! The
men after supper had seized upon the relics of the
repast, as they were carried off from the table; and
these were the miserable remnants I found and counted
on my return: taking good care to lock the door of
the supper-room, and treasure what little sustenance
still remained in it.
When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by
the morning sun, I not only caused a sensation myself,
but felt one in my own bosom, which was of the most
painful description.  0, my reader! may you never
behold such a sight as that which presented itself:
eighty-three men and women in ball dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming over their
faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs,
smudged rouge, blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled
satins-each more desperately melancholy and hideous
than the other-each, except my beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl
could of course never go out of curl; whose cheek, pale
as the lily, could, as it may naturally be supposed,
grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and therefore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the
pearl-powder had come off. Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his
11*




2.50           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
lamps in each of her eyes as I entered.  As if I had
been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses mantled in
her cheekl  Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened
their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions,
regarding my adventures in the camp-she, as she saw
me, gave a faint scream  (the sweetest, sure, that ever
gurgled through the throat of a woman!) then started
up-then made as if she would sit down-then moved
backwards-then tottered forwards-then tumbled into
my-Psha! why recal, why attempt to describe that
delicious-that passionate greeting of two young hearts?
What was the surrounding crowd to us?  What cared
we for the sneers of the  men, the  titters  of the
jealous women, the shrill "Upon my word," of the
elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda's mamma?  The brave girl loved me, and wept in
my arms. " Goliah! my Goliah!" said she, " my brave,
my beautiful, thou art returned, and hope comes back
with thee.  Oh! who can tell the anguish of my soul,
during this dreadful, dreadful night!"  Other similar
ejaculations of love and joy she uttered; and if I had
perilled life in her service, if I did believe that hope of
escape there was none, so exquisite was the moment of
our meeting, that I forgot all else in this overwhelming
joy!                       -s ~  
[The major's description of this meeting, which lasted
at the very most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen
pages of writing.  We have been compelled to dock
off twelve-and-a-half; for the whole passage, though
highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be
tedious to the reader.]
4         ~         ^                   *




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.            251
As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to
sneer, and were giggling audibly. I led the dear girl
to a chair, and, scowling round with a tremendous
fierceness, which those who know me know I can sometimes put on, I shouted out, "Hark ye! men and women
--  am this lady's truest knight-her husband I hope one
day to be. I am commander, too, in this fort-the
enemy is without it; another word of mockery-another
glance of scorn-and, by Heaven, I will hurl every
man and woman from the battlements, a prey to the
ruffianly Holkar!"  This quieted them. I am a man
of my word, and none of them  stirred or looked
disrespectfully from that moment.
It was now my turn to make them look foolish.
Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy (whose unfailing appetite is
pretty well known to every person who has been in
India) cried, " Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has
been so pleasant, and the supper was despatched so
long ago, that myself and the ladies would be very
glad of a little breakfast."  And Mrs. Van giggled as
if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech.
" Ohl  breakfast, breakfast by all means," said the
rest; " we really are dying for a warm cup of tea."
"Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like,
ladies?" says I.
"Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said
fat Mrs. Van.
"What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER 2"  Of course they said it was the very thing.
" And do you like hot rowls or cowld-muffins or
crumpets-fresh butter or salt? And you, gentlemen,
what do you say to some ilegant divvled-kidneys for




252           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys, and a
couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?"
"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow,"
answered they all.
"But stop," says I. "O ladies, O ladies; 0 gentlemen, gentlemen, that you should ever have come
to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been
without "
"What?" said they, in a breath.
" Alas! alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole house."
"Well, well, we can do without it."
"Or a single pound of coffee."
"Never mind; let that pass too."  (Mrs. Van and
the rest were beginning to look alarmed.)
"And about the kidneys-now I remember, the
black divvles outside the fort have seized upon all the
sheep; and how  are we to have kidneys without
them?"  (Here there was a slight o-o-o!)
"And with regard to the milk and crame, it may
be remarked that the cows are likewise in pawn, and
not a single drop can be had for money or love: but
we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will
be just as good."
"Oh I just as good."
" Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh
egg to be had-no, nor a fresh chicken," continued I,
"nor a stale one either; nor a tayspoonful of souchong,
nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste in life
of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!"
" In the name of Heaven!" said M-. Van, growing
very pale, " what is there, then?"




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.             263
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is,
now," shouted I.  "There's
Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c.
And I went through the whole list of eatables as
before, ending with the ham-sandwiches and the pot of
jelly.
" Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy,  " give me the ham-sandwiches-I must
manage to breakfast off them."
And you should have heard the pretty to-do there
was at this modest proposition! Of course I did
not accede to it —why should I?  I was the commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three
very sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear
Belinda.  "Ladies," said I, "there are in this fort one
hundred and twenty-six souls, and this is all the food
which is to last us during the siege.  Meat there is
none-of drink there is a tolerable quantity; and, at
one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine and one olive
shall be served out to each woman: the men will
receive two glasses, and an olive and a fig-and this
must be your food during the siege.  Lord Lake
cannot be absent more than three days; and, if he be,
why still there is a chance-why do I say a chance?a certainty of escaping from  the  hands  of these
ruffians."
"Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!"
screeched the whole covey at a breath.
"It lies," answered I, "in the powder magazine.  I




254            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
will blow this fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it
becomes the prey of Holkar."
The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have
been heard in Holkar's camp, and fainted in different
directions; but my dear Belinda whispered in my ear,
"Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my
heart's Goliah!"  I felt i was right: I could have blown
her up twenty times for the luxury of that single
mloment! "And now, ladies," said I, "I must leave
you.  The two chaplains will remain with you to administer professional consolation-the other gentlemen will
follow me up stairs to the ramparts, where I shall find
plenty of work for them."
CHAPTER VII.
THE ESCAPE.
LOTHI as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for
it but to obey, and they accordingly followed me to the
ramparts, where I proceeded to review my lnen.  The
fort, in my absence, had been left in command of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of nmy own (with
whom, as may be seen in an early chapter of my
memoirs, I had an affair of honour); and the prisoner
Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never
wishing to kill him, had been left in charge of that officer.  Three of the garrison (one of them a man of the
Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body-servant, Ghorumsaug above-named) were appointed to watcll the
captive by turns, and never leave him out of their




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.               255
sight.  The lieutenant was instructed to look to them
and to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy was severely
injured by the blow which I had given him, and was
moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly
with cords, I considered myself sure of his person.
Maegillicuddy did not make his appearance when I
reviewed my little force, and the three havildars were
likewise absent-this did not surprise me, as I had told
them not to leave their prisoner; but, desirous to speak
with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him,
and ordered him to appear immediately.
The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly
pale: he whispered some information into my ear, which
instantly caused me to hasten to the apartments, where
I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined.
The men had fled; —Bobbachy had fled; and in his
place, fancy my astonishment when I found-with a
rope, cutting his naturally wide mouth almost into his
ears-with a dreadful sabre-cut across his foreheadwith his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied
between his legs-my unhappy, my attached fiiendMortimer Mac gillicuddy!
He had been in this position for about three hours-it
was the very position in which I had caused Bobbacliy
Bahawder to be placed-an attitude uncomfortable, it is
true, but one which renders escape impossible, unless
treason aid the prisoner.
I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position:
I poured half-a-bottle of whiskey down the ilmmensely
enlarged orifice of his mouth, and when he had been
released, he informed me of the circumstances that had
taken place.




256           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
Fool that I was! idiot!-upon my return to the fort,
to have been anxious about my personal appearance,
and to have spent a couple of hours, in removing
the artificial blackening from my beard and complexion,
instead of going to examine my prisoner; when his
escape would have been prevented-O foppery, foppery!
-it was that cursed love of personal appearance, which
had led me to forget my duty to my general, my country, my monarch, and my own honour!
Thus it was that the escape took place. My own
fellow of the Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress
me, performed the operation to my satisfaction, invested
me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and removed
the Pitan's disguise which I had taken from the back
of the prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the
rogue do next?-Why, he carried back the dress to the
Bobbachy-he put it, once more, on its right owner, he
and his infernal black companions (who had been so
won over by the Bobbachy, with promises of enormous
reward), gagged Macgillicuddy, who was going the
rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to
the outer gate, and gave the word.  The sentinel,
thinking it was myself, who had first come in, and was
as likely to go out again (indeed, my rascally valet
said, that Gahagan Saib was about to go out with him
and his two companions to reconnoitre)-opened the
gates, and off they went!
This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I
entered!-and for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had just been the rounds;-he had, poor fellow,
and had been seized and bound in this cruel way. The
three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.                257
on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted
them: I had changed the guard at the gate (whom they
had won over likewise); and yet, although they had
overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for
the start, they had positively no means for effecting
their escape, until I was ass enough  to put means
in their way.  Fool! fool! thrice besotted fool that I
was, to think of my own silly person when I should
have been occupied solely with my public duty.
From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was
gasping from the effects of the gag, and the whiskey he
had taken to revive him, and from my own subsequent
observations, I learned this sad story.  A. sudden and
painful thought struck me-my precious box!-I rushed
back, I found that box-I have it still-opening it, there
where I had  left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns,
kopeks, and rupees, strings of diamonds as big' as
ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda,
countless strings of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles
upon piles of bank notes —  found-a piece of paper!
with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, which are
thus, word for word, translated:
EPIGRAM.
(On disappointing a certain Major.)
The conquering lion return'd with his prey,
And safe in his cavern he set it,
The sly little fox stole the booty away;
And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
" Aha, don't you wish you may get it?"
Confusion I Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these




258            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
cutting lines.  I stamped,-I swore,-I don't know to
what insane lengths my rage might have carried me,
had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming,
" The enemy, the enemy!"
CHAPTER VIII.
THE CAPTIVE.
IT was high time, indeed, that I should  make my
appearance.  Waving my sword with one hand, and
seizing my telescope with the other, I at once frightened
and examined the enemy.  Well they knew when they
saw that flamingo-plume floating in the breeze-that
awful figure standing in the breach-that waving warsword -sparkling in the sky-well, I say, they knew the
name of the lumble individual who owned the sword,
the plume, and the figure.  The ruffians were mustered
in fiont, the cavalry behind.  The flags were flying, the
drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos, and other instruments of eastern music, raised in the air a strange,
barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on
white dromedaries, were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the orders of Holkar.
You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur
(rising as it does on a rock that is almost perpendicular), are defended by the Burrumpooter river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide,
so that I had no fear about them attacking me in that
quarter.  My guns, therefore, (with their six-and-thirty




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.               259
miserable charges of shot,) were dracgged round to the
point at which I conceived Holkar would be most likely
to attack me.  I was in a situation that I did not dare
to fire, except at such times as I could kill a hundred
men by a single discharge of a cannon; so the attacking party marched and marched, very strongly, about
a mile and a half off, the elephants marching without
receiving the slightest damage from us, until they had
come to within four hundred yards of our walls, (the
rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, throught
the betrayal of the dastardly  Ghorumsaug, or they
never would have ventured so near).  At that distance-it was about the spot where the Futtygihr hiill
began gradually to rise-the invading force stopped;
the elephants drew up in a line, right angles with our
wall (the fools! they thought they should expose tlhemselves too much by taking a position parallel to it!) the
cavalry halted too, and —after the deuce's own flourish
cf trumpets, and banging of gongs, to be sure,-somebody, in a flame-colotured satin dress, with an immense
jewel blazing in his pugree (that looked through my
telescope like a small but very bright planet), got up
frorm the back of one of the very biggest elephants,
and began a speech.
The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with
admirable precision, about three hundred  of them.
The following little diagram will explain matters:-........* * egG




260           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
E, is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort.
G a gun in the fort. Now the reader will see what I
did.
The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling
to and fro gracefully before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun G (a devilish
long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself; bang it went, and what was the consequence?
Why this:F is the fort, as before.  Gis
F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E,
the elephants, as we have previously seen them. What
then is +?  + is the line taken by the ball fired from
G, which took off one hundred and thirty-four elephants'
trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old
animal, that stood the hundred and thirtv-fifth!
I say that such a shot was never fired before or
since; that a gun was never pointed in such a way.
Suppose I had been a common man, and contented
myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal?
An ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit
his mark,-and what would have been the consequence? Why, that the ball might have killed two
elephants and wounded a third; but here, probably, it
would have stopped, and done no further mischief. The
trunk was the place at which to aim; there are no bones




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.            261
there; and away, consequently, went the bullet, shearing,
as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five
probosces. Heavens! what a howl there was when the
shot took effect! What a sudden stoppage of Holkar's
speech! What a hideous snorting  of elephants!
What a rush backwards was made by the whole army,
as if some-demon was pursuing them!
Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full
retreat, than, rushing forward myself, I shouted to my
men," My friends, yonder lies your dinner!" We flung
open the gates-we tore down to the spot where the
elephants had fallen; seven of them were killed; and of
those that escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their tusks behind them. A great
quantity of them we seized; and I myself, cutting up
with my scimetar a couple of the fallen animals, as a
butcher would a calf, motioned to the men to take the
pieces back to the fort, where barbacued elephant was
served round for dinner, instead of the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had
promised to my female friends, in my speech to them.
The animal reserved for the ladies was a young white
one-the fattest and tenderest I ever ate in my life:
they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an Indiarubber flavour, which, until one is accustomed to it, is
unpalatable.
It was well that I had obtained this supply, for,
during my absence on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others, had forced their way into
the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the
garrison larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the
olives, and the wine, which were locked up in my own




262            SOME PASSAGES IN TIHE
apartment, before which stood a sentinel.  Disgusting
Mrs. Van! When I heard of her gluttony, I had
almost a mind to eat heir  However, we made a very
comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks, and when
every body had done, had the comfort of knowing that
there was enough for one meal more.
The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us
in great force, attempting to escalade the fort; but by
the help of my guns, and my good sword, by the
distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and
the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy sustaining a loss of seven hundred
men.  We were victorious; but when another attack
was made, what were we to do?  We had still a little
powder left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron
bars, &c., in the garrison!  On this day, too, we
devoured the last morsel of our food; I shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw
her sitting alone, attempting to make some impression
on the little white elephant's roasted tail.
The third day the attack was repeated. The resources
of genius are never at an end. Yesterday, I had no ammunition; to-day, I had discovered charges sufficient
for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer,
but had bores of about blunderbuss size.
This time my fiiend Loll Mahommed, who had
received, as the reader may remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack.  The poor wretch
could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and came on waving his sword, and cursing
horribly in his Hindoostan jargon. Behind him came
troops of matchlock men, who picked off every one of




LIFE OF MAJOR GAIIAGAN.           263
our men who showed their noses above the ramparts;
and a great host of blackamoors with scaling ladders,
bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, culverins,
demnilunes, counterscarps, and all the other appurtenances
of offensive war.
On they came; my guns and men were ready for
them.  You will ask how my pieces were loaded? I
answer, that though my garrison were without food, I
knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch
cheeses into the two guns, and had crammed the contents
of a bottle of olives into each swivel.
They advanced,-whish! went one of the Dutch
cheeses,-bang! went the other.  Alas! they did little
execution. In their first contact with an opposing
body, they certainly floored it; but they became at
once like so much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution
beyond the man whom they struck down.
"iHogree, pogree, wongree-fum;" (praise to Allah,
and the forty-nine Imaums!) shouted out the ferocious
Loll Mahommed, when he saw the failure of my shot.
"Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has no more
ammunition-a hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the
man who brings me Gahagan's head!"
His men set up a shout, and rushed forward-he, to
do him justice, was at the very head, urging on his
own palanquin bearers, and poking them with the tip
of his scimetar. They came panting up the hill: I was
black with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage
of despair.  " Macgillicuddy," said I, calling that faithful officer, " you know where the barrels of powder are l"
He did.  "You know  the use to make of them?"
He did. He grasped my hand.  "Goliah," said he,




264           SOME PASSAGES IN THIE
"farewell! I swear that the fort shall be in atoms, as
soon as yonder unbelievers have carried it. Oh, my
poor mother!" added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet
fearless, he retired to his post.
I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful
Belinda, and then, stepping into the front, took down
one of the swivels;-a shower of matchlock balls came
whizzing round my head.  I did not heed them.
I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, and his men, were now not above
two hundred yards from the fort. Loll was straight
before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I
fired-bang!!!
I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best
Spanish olives were lodged in a lump in the face of the
unhappy Loll Ma.hommed. The wretch, uttering a yell
the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back
dead-the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin
and  ran-the whole host ran as one man; their
screams might be heard for leagues.   "Tomasha,
tomasha," they cried, "it is enchantment!"  Away
they fled, and the victory a third time was ours. Soon
as the fight was done, I flew back to my Belinda-we
had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot
hunger in the thought of once more beholding her!
The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly
smile as I entered, and almost fainted in my arms;
but, alas! it was not love which caused in her bosom
an emotion so strong-it was hunger! "Oh! my
Goliah," whispered she, " for three days I have not tasted
food-I could not eat that horrid elephant yesterday;
but now-oh! iheaven 1"  She could say no more, but




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.            265
sunk almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered
to her a trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a
moment, and then rushed down stairs, determined that
if it were a piece of my own leg, she should still have
something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered that three or four elephants were still lying in the
field, having been killed by us in the first action, two
days before. Necessity, thought I, has no law; my
adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get something better.:I rushed into the court where the men were, for
the most part, assembled. "Men," said I, " our larder is
empty; we must fill it as we did the day before yesterday; who will follow Gahagan on a foraging party?"
I expected that, as on former occasions, every man
would offer to accompany me.
To my astonishment, not a soul moved-a murmur
arose among the troops; and at last, one of the oldest
and bravest came forward.
"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed
upon elephants for ever; we have not a grain of
powder left, and must give up the fort when the attack
is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now
as then, and we won't go elephant-hunting any more."
" Ruffian!" I said, "he who first talks of surrender,
dies!" and I cut him down. "Is there any one else
who wishes to speak?"
No one stirred.
"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what,
you dare not move for fear of death, at the hands of
those wretches who even now fled before your armswhat, do I say your arms?-before mine!-alone I
12




266           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
did it; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will
victual the fortress! iHo! open the gate!"
I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The
bodies of the elephants that we had killed still lay on
the ground where they had fallen, about four hundred
yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a
very steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick
of the animals, choosing a tolerably small and plump
one, of about thirteen feet high, which the vultures had
respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and
made for the fort.
As I marched up the acclivity, whizz-piff-whirr!
came the balls over my head; and pitter-patter, pitterpatter! they fell on the body of the elephant like drops
of rain. The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and
quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse:
they came nearer, nearer; I was within a hundred
yards of the fort-seventy-fifty! I strained every
nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion-I ran,
-could a man run very fast with such a tremendous
weight on his shoulders 
Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting
and screaming at my tail. Oh, heaven! five yards
more-one moment-and I am saved!-It is doneI strain the last strain-I make the last step-I
fling forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and-I fall!  The
gate thunders to, and I am left on the outside! Fifty
knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes-fifty
black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims,
"Stop!-kill him not, it is Gujputi!"  A film came
over my eyes-exhausted nature would bear no more.




LIFE OF MAJOR GAIIAGAN.          26*7
CHAPTER IX.
SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR.
WHEN I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen,
I found myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable
black faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor (whence our
word apothecary) feeling my pulse, and looking at me
with an air of sagacity.
" Where am  I? " I exclaimed, looking round and
examining the strange faces, and the strange apartment
which met my view. " Bekhusm i" said the apothecary.
" Silence! Gahagan Saib is in the hands of those who
know his valour, and will save his life."
" Know my valour, slave? Of course you do," said
I; "but the fort-the garrison-the elephant-Belinda,
my love-my darling-Macgillicuddy-the scoundrelly
mutineers-the deal bo —"  * *
I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed
so heavily upon my poor shattered mind and frame,
that both failed once more. I fainted again, and I
know not how long I lay insensible.
Again, however, I came to my senses; the pothukoor
applied restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours,
I awoke, much refreshed. I had no wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well
they might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the
elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a mile in length.
Walking, the task is bad enough, but running, it is the
deuce; and I would recommend any of my readers who




268            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
may be disposed to try and carry a dead elephant,
never, on any account, to go a pace of more than five
miles an hour.
Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of
arms at my door (plainly indicating that sentinels were
posted there), and a single old gentleman, richly habited, entered the room.  Did my eyes deceive me?  I
had surely seen him  before.  No-yes-no-yes-it
wuas he-the snowy white beard, the mild eyes, the
nose flattened to a jelly, and level with the rest of the
venerable face, proclaimed him  at once to be-Saadut
Allee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime vizier, whose
nose, as the reader may recollect, his highness had
flattened with his kaleawn, during my interview  with
him in the Pitan's disguise.-I now knew my fate but
too well-I was in the hands of HIolkar.
Saadut Allee  Beg Bimnbukchee  slowly advanced
towards me, and with a mild air of benevolence, which
distinguished that excellent man (he was torn to pieces
by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference
with Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently
my hand, said, "Life and death, my son, are not ours.
Strength is deceitful, valour is unavailing, fame is only
wind-the nightingale sings of the rose all nightwhere is the rose in the morning?  Booch, booch! it
is withered by a frost.  The rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is that delightful songbird?  Pena-bekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted,
and roasted! Who knows how misfortune comes?  It
has come to Gahagan Gujpuit!"
"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language.  "Gahagan Gujputi will bear it like a man."




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.            269
"No doubt-like a wise man and a brave one; but
there is no lane so long to which there is not a turning,
no night so black to which there comes not a morning.
Icy winter is followed by merry spring time-grief is
often succeeded by joy."
"Interpret, oh riddler!" said I; " Gahagan Khan is
no reader of puzzles-no prating Mollah.  Gujputi
loves not words, but swords."
"Listen, then, oh, Gujputi: you are in Holkar's
power."
"I know it."
"You will die by the most horrible tortures tomorrow morning?"
"I dare say."
"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your
nails from  your fingers, and your eyes from  your
head."
"Very possibly."
"They will flay you alive, and then burn you."
Well; they can't do any more."
"They will seize upon every man and woman in
yonder fort"-it was not then taken!-" and repeat upon
them the same tortures."
" Ha! Belinda! Speak-how can all this be avoided?"
"Listen.   Gahagan loves the moon-face, called
Belinda."
"He does, Vizier, to distraction."
" Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?"
"A captain."
"A miserable captain-oh, shame!  Of what creed
is he I"




2' 0          SOME PASSAGES IN THE
"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic."
"But he has not been very particular about his
religious duties "
"Alas, no."
"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve
years?"
"'Tis too true."
"Hearken, now, Gahagan Khan.   His Highness
Prince Holkar has sent me to thee. You shall have
the moon-face for your wife-your second wife, that is;
-the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge,
who loves you to madness; —with Puttee Rooge, who
is the wife, you shall have the wealth and rank, of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his highness intends to get
rid.  You shall be second in command of his highness's forces. Look, here is his commission signed with
the celestial seal, and attested by the sacred names of
the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce
your religion and your service, and all these rewards
are yours."
He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and
gave it to me (it was beautifully written in Indian ink
-I had it for fourteen years, but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, washed it, forsooth, and washed off
every bit of the writing)-I took it calmly, and said,
"This is a tempting offer; oh, Vizier, how long wilt
thou give me to consider of it?"
After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I
promised to give him an answer.  My mind, however,
was made up-as soon as he was gone, I threw myself
on the sofa and fell asleep.
a*      *       *       *       *




LIFE OF MAJOR GAIIAGAN.            271
At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back:
iwo people were with him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I did not recoguise. It was about midnight.
" Have you considered?" said the Vizier, as he came
to my couch.
"I have," said I, sitting up,-I could not stand, for
my legs were tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair
of steel handcuffs.  "I have," said I, "unbelieving
dogs! I have.  Do you think to pervert a Christian
gentleman from his faith and honour?  Ruffian blackamoors! do your worst; heap tortures on this body,
they cannot last long-tear me to pieces-after you
have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall
not feel it-and if I did, if each torture could last a
life-if each limb were to feel the agonies of a whole
body, what then?  I would bear all-all-all-all-all
-ALL!"-My breast heaved-my form  dilated-my
eye flashed as I spoke these words.  "Tyrants!" said
I, "Dulce et decorum  est pro patria mori."  Having
thus clinched the argument, I was silent.
The venerable Grand Vizier turned away, I saw a tear
trickling down his cheeks.
"What a constancy," said he; " oh, that such
beauty and such bravery should be doomed so soon to
quit the earth!"
His tall companion only sneered and said, " and
Belinda-"
" Ha!" said I; " ruffian, be still!-Heaven will protect her spotless innocence.  Holkar, I know thee, and
thou knowest me, too!  Who with his single sword
destroyed thy armies?-Who, with his pistol, cleft in




272            SOME PASSAGES IN THE
twain thy nose-ring?  Who slew thy generals?  Who
slew thy elephants?   Three hundred mighty beasts
went forth to battle: of these, 1 slew one hundred and
thirty-five!-Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever!
Gahagan hates thee, spurns thee, spits on thee!"
Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks,
gave a scream  of rage, and, drawing his scimetar,
rushed on to despatch me at once (it was the very
thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward, and seizing his arm, cried"Papa; oh, save him!"  It was Puttee Rooge!
"Remember," continued she, "his misfortunes-remember, oh, remember my-love!"-and here she blushed,:and putting one finger into her mouth and hanging
down her head, looked the very picture of modest
affection.
Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimetar, and muttered,
"'Tis better as it is; had I killed him  now, I had
spared him the torture.  None of this shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge," continued the tyrant, dragging her
away.  "Captain  Gahagan  dies three  hours from
hence "-Puttee Rooge gave one scream and faintedher father and the Vizier carried her off between them;
nor was I loath to part with her, for, with all her love,
she was as ugly as the deuce.
They were gone —my fate was decided.  I had but
three hours more of life: so I flung myself again on
the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As it may happen
to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and
to be hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat theml
to adopt this plan of going to sleep, which I for my
part have repeatedly found to be successful.-It saves




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.              273
unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal of
unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man
the coming catastrophe.
Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance in the heavens, and with it came the
guards, who were appointed to conduct me to the torture.  I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the
very white donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the camp, after he was bastinadoecd.
Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to his
rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all
sides; my ass was conducted by the common executioner: a crier went forward, shouting out, " Make way
for the destroyer of the faithful —he goes to bear the
punishment of his crimes."   We came to the fatal
plain: it was the very spot whence I had borne away
the elephant, and in full sight of the fort.  I looked
towards it.  Thank Heaven!  King George's banner
waved on it still-a crowd were gathered on the walls
-the men, the dastards who had deserted me-and
women, too.  Among the latter I thought I distinguished one who-Oh, gods! the thought turned me
sick-I trembled and looked pale for the first time.
"He trembles! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously exulting over his conquered
enemy.
"Dog!" shouted I-(I was sitting with my head to
the donkey's tail, and so looked the Bobbachy full in
the face)-" not so pale as you looked, when I felled
you with this arm-not so pale as your women looked,
when I entered your harem!"  Completely chop-fallen,
12*




2714           SOME PASSAGES IN THE
the Indian ruffian was silent: at any rate, I had done
for hizm.
We arrived at the place of execution-a stake, a couple of feet thick and eight high, was driven in the
grass; round the stake, about seven feet from  the
ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two
fetters; in these my wrists were placed-two or three
executioners stood near with strange-looking instruments: others were blowing at a fire, over which was a
cauldron, and in the embers were stuck other prongs
and instruments of iron.
The crier came forward and read my sentence. It
was the same in effect as that which had been hinted
to me the day previous by the Grand Vizier. I confess
I was too agitated exactly to catch every word that
was spoken.
Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little
distance.  The Grand Vizier came up to me-it was his
duty to stand by, and see the punishment performed.
" It is yet time," said he.
I nodded my head, but did not answer.
The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a voice choking with emotion,
said, " Executioner-do-your-duty!"
The horrid man advanced-he whispered sulkily in
the ears of the Grand Vizier, " Guggly ka yhee, hum
khedgeree," said he, " the oil does not boil yet-wait
one minute." The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil
was heated.  The Vizier drew a few feet aside, taking a
large ladle full of the boiling liquid, he advanced,
and*       *        *       *        *       *
*       f        *       ie **            *




LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAIGAY.             275
Whish! bang, bang! pop! the executioner was dead
at my feet, shot through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face of the unhappy
Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. " Whish!
bang! pop! Hulrrah!-charge!-forwards!-cut them
down!-no quarter!"
I saw-yes, no, yes, no, yes!-I saw regiment upon
regiment of galloping British horsemen, riding over the
ranks of the flying natives! First of the host, I recognised, oh, Heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On came the gallant line of black steeds and
horsemen; swift, swift before them rode my officers in
yellow —Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres
gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air.  " Dthem!" they cried, " give it them, boys!"  A strength
supernatural thrilled through my veins at that delicious
music; by one tremendous effort, I wrenched the post
fiom its foundation, five feet in the ground.  I could
not release my hands from the fetters, it is true; but,
grasping the beam tightly, I sprung forward-with one
blow, I levelled the five executioners in the midst of the
fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can; with the
next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off
their legs; with the third, I caught that chief himself in
the small of the back, and sent him flying on to the
sabres of my advancing soldiers!
The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my
arms, Pappendick leading on the Irregulars.  Friend
and foe in that wild chase had swept far away. We
were alone, I was freed from my immense bar; and ten
minutes afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with
his staff, he found me sitting on it.




276            SOME PASSAGES, ETC.
"Look at Gahagan," said his lordship.  "Gentlemen,
did I not tell you we should be sure to find him at his
post?"
The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the
famous BATTLE OF FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF
FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of November, 1804.
About a month afterwards, the following announcement
appeared in Boggleywallach [Hurcaru, and other Indian
papers:-" Married, on the 25th of December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady
Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse Ahmednuggar,
to Belinda, second daughter of Major-General Bulcher,
C. B.  His Excellency the Commander-in-Chief gave
away the bride; and after a splendid dejeune, the happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang.  Venus must recollect, however, that Mars
must not always be at her side. The Irregulars are
nothing without their leader."
Such was the paragraph-such the event-the happiest in the existence of
G. O' G. M. H. E. I. C. S. C. I. H. A.
THE END.




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JO URATNAL IKEPT D URTING A S TUMMF1ER
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WOMi'EN OF CHRISTIANITY.
iEemplary for Acts of Piety and Charity. By JULIA KAVANAOGI, Authoe
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HOME IS HOME.
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PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF
MRS. MARGARET MAITLAND,
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