MONIKINS.
BY
J-; FENIMORE COOPER.
"Then thou knewest her P said the Knight,
"Not I," answered the Squire; "but the person who told me the story said
it was so true and'certain, that if ever I should chance to tell it again, I might
-irm  upon oath that I had seen It'With my o*  -eyes."-Sancho'Panza,
CO M'PLIETE IN ONE VOL UMd.'NEW EDITION.
NEW YORK:
STRINGER AND TOWNSEND.
1855.




MONIKINS.
Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1885, by
Cuss, LEA, AND BLANIIHARD,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in and fow
the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.




INTRODUCTION.
IT is not improbable that some of those who read
this book, may feel a wish to know in what manner I became possessed of the manuscript. Such
a desire is too just and natural to be thwarted, and
the tale shall be told as briefly as possible.
During the summer of 1828, while travelling
among those valleys of Switzerland which lie between the two great ranges of the Alps, and in
which both the Rhone and the Rhine take their
rise, I had passed from the sources of the latter to
those of the former river, and had reached that
basin in the mountains that is so celebrated for containing the glacier of the Rhone, when chance gave
me one of those rare moments of sublimity and
solitude, which are the more precious in the other
hemisphere from their infrequency. On every side
the view was bounded by high and ragged mountains, their peaks glittering near the sun, while directly before me, and on a level with the eye, lay
that miraculous frozen sea, out of whose drippings
the Rhone starts a foaming river, to glance away
to the distant Mediterranean. For the first time,
during a pilgrimage of years, I felt alone with nature in Europe. Alas! the enjoyment, as all such
enjoyments necessarily are amid the throngs of the
old world, was short -and treacherous. A party




Viii            INTRODUCTION.
came round the angle of a rock, along the narrow
bridle-path, in single-files; two ladies on horseback,
followed by as many gentlemen on foot, and preceded by the usual guide. It was but small courtesy to rise and salute the dove-like eyes and blooming cheeks of the former, as they passed. They
were English, and the gentlemen appeared to recognize me as a countryman. One of the latter
stopped, and politely inquired if the passage of the
Furca was obstructed by snow. He was told not,
and in return for the information, said that I would
find the Grimsel a little ticklish; "but," he added,
smiling, " the ladies succeeded in crossing, and you
will scarcely hesitate." I thought I might get over
a difficulty that his fair companions had conquered.
He then told me Sir Herbert Taylor was made adjutant-general, and wished me good morning.
I sat reflecting on the character, hopes, pursuits
and interests of man, for an hour, concluding that
the stranger was a soldier, who let some of the ordinary workings of his thoughts overflow'in this
brief and casual interview. To resume my solitary journey, cross the Rhone, and toil my way up
the rugged side of the Grimsel, consumed two more
hours, and glad was I to come in view of the little
chill-looking sheet of water on its sumnmit, which is
called the Lake of the Dea.   The path was'filled
with snow, at a most critical point, where, indeed,
a misplaced footstep might betray the incautious to
their destruction. A large party op the other side
appeared fully aware of the difficulty, for it hao




INTRODUCTION.
halted, and was in earnest discussion with the guide,
touching the practicability of passing. It was decided to attempt the enterprise. First came a female of one of the sweetest, serenest countenances
-I had ever seen. She, too, was English; and though
she trembled, and blushed, and laughed at herself,
she came on with spirit, and would have reached my side in safety, had not an unlucky stone
turned beneath a foot that was much too pretty for
those wild hills. I sprang forward, and was so
happy as to save her from destruction. She felt
the extent of the obligation, and expressed her
thanks modestly but with fervor. In a minute we
were joined by her husband, who grasped my hand
with warm feeling, or rather with the emotion one
ought to feel who had witnessed the risk he had just
run of losing an angel. The lady seemed satisfied
at leaving us together.
"You are an Englishman?' said -the stranger.
"Ain American."
"AIn American! This is singular — will you
pardon a question?-You'have more than saved
my life-you have probably saved my reason —will you pardon a question?-Can money serve
you?"
I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to
him, that though an American, I was a gentleman.
He appeared embarrassed, and his fine face worked, until I began to pity himh, for it was evident he
wished to show me in some way, how much he felt




x                INTRODUCTION.
ne was my debtor, and yet he did not know exactly
what to propose.
"We may meet again," I said, squeezing his
hand.'; Will you receive my card?"
"Most willingly."
He put "Viscount Householder" into my hand,
and in return I gave him my own humble appellation.
He looked from the card to me, and from me to
the card, and some agreeable idea appeared to flash
upon his mind.
"Shall you visit Geneva this summer?" he asked, earnestly.
"Within a month."
" Your address?'
" Hotel de l'Ecu."
" You shall hear from me.-Adieu."
We parted, he, his lovely wife and his guides descending to the Rhone, while I pursued my way to
the Hospice of the Grimsel. Within the month, I
received a large packet at l'Ecu. It contained a
valuable diamond ring, with a request that I would
wear it, as a memorial of Lady Householder, and
a fairly written manuscript. The following short
note explained the wishes of the writer.
" Providence brought us together for more purposes than
were, at first, apparent. I have long hesitated about pub.
lishing the accompanying narrative, for in England there is
a disposition to cavil at extraordinary facts, but the distance
of America from my place of residence will completely save




INTRODUCTION.
me firom ridicule.. The world must have the truth, and I see
no better means than by resorting to your agency. All I ask
is that you will have the book fairly printed, and that you
will send one copy to my address, Householder-hall, Dorset.
shire, England, and another to Capt. Noah Poke, Stonington,
Connecticut, in your own country. My Anna prays for you,
and is ever your friend. Do not forget us.
Yours, most faithfully,
HOUSEHOLDER."
I have rigidly complied with this request, and
having sent the two copies according to direction,
the rest of the edition is at the disposal of any one
who may feel an inclination to pay for it. In return
for the copy sent to Stonington, I received the following letter.
" On board the Debby and Dolly, Stunnin'tun,
April 1st, 1835.
AUTHOR OF THE SPY, Esquire,
Dear Sir,-Your favour is come to hand, and found me
in good health, as I hope these few lines will have the same
advantage with you. I have read the book, and must say
there is some truth in it, which, I suppose, is as much as befalls any book, the Bible, the Almanac, and the State Laws,
excepted. I remember Sir John well, and shall gainsay nothing he testifies to, for the reason that friends should not
contradict each other. I was also acquainted with the four
Monikins he speaks of, though I knew them by differentnames.
Miss Poke says she wonders if it's all true, which I wunt tell
her, seeing that a little unsartainty makes a woman rational.
As to my navigating without geometry, that's a matter that
was'n't worth booking, for it's no cur'osity in these parts,
bating a look at the compass once or twice a day, and so 1
take my leave of you, with offers to do any commission for




Xii                NTRbDUCTION.
you among tiFi  Sealing Island, fbr which I sai to-asnrw
wind and weather permitting.
YoUts to sarve,
Noi'Poax.
To the Author of the Spy, squfire,
-— own, -       County, York State.
P. S. I always told Sir John to steer clear- f too much
journalizing, but he did nothing but write, night and day, for
a week; and as you brew, so you must bake. The wind has
chopped, and we shall take our anchor this tide; so no more
at present.
N. B. Sir John is a little out about myr eating the oin.
key, which I did, four years bfbreI:feil in with him,- do*n
on the Spanish Main. It Was  nbt bd foodt to hetaste, but
it was wonderful narvous to the eye. I r'ally thought I
had got hold of Miss Poke's youngest born."




THE MON IINS
CHAPTER I.
The Author's pedigree-also, that of his Father.
THE philosopher who broaches a new theory is
oound to furnish, at least, some elementary proofs
of the reasonableness of his positions, and the historian who ventures to record marvels that have
hitherto been hid from human knowledge, owes it
to a decent regard to the opinions of others, to prodtice some credible testimony in favor of his veracity. I am peculiarly placed in regard to these
two great essentials, having little more than its
plausibHity to offer in favor of my philosophy, and
no other witness than myself to establish the important facts that are now about to be laid before the
reading world, for the first time. In this dilemma,
I fully feel the weight of responsibility under which
I stand; for there are truths of so little apparent
probability as to appear fictions, and fictions so like
the truth that the ordinary observer is very apt to
affirm that he was an eye-witness to their existence: two facts that all our historians would do
well to bear in mind, since a knowledge of the circumstances might spare them the mortification of
having testimony that cost a deal of trouble, discredited in the one case, and save a vast deal of
painful and unnecessary labor, in the other. Thrown
upon myself, therefore, for what the French call les
pieces justlficatives of my theories, as well as of




16              THE MONIKINS.
my facts, I see no better wayno prepare the readei
to believe me, than by giving an unvarnished nar.
rative of my descent, birth, education and life, up
to the time I became a spectator of those wonderful facts it is my happiness to record, and with
which it is now his to be made acquainted.
I shall begin with my descent, or pedigree, both
because it is in the natural order of events, and because, in order to turn this portion of my narrative
to a proper account, in the way of giving credibility to the rest of it, it may be of use in helping to
trace effects to their causes.
I have generally considered myself on a level
with the most ancient gentlemen of Europe, on the
score of descent, few families being more clearly
and directly traced into the mist of time, than that
of which I am a member. My descent from my
father is undeniably established by the parish register, as well as by the will of that person himself,
and I believe no man could more directly prove the
truth of the whole career of his family, than it is
in my power to show that of my ancestor up to the
hour when he was found, in the second year of his
age, crying with cold and hunger, in the parish of
St. Giles, in the city of Westminster, and in the
United Kingdom of Great Britain. An orangewoman had pity on his sufferings.  She fed him
with a crust, warmed him with purl, and then humanely led him to an individual with whom she
was in the habit of having frequent but angry interviews-the parish officer. The case of my ancestor was so obscure as to be clear. No one
could tell to whom he belonged, whence he came,
or what was likely to become of him; and as the
law did not admit of the starvation of children in
the street, under circumstances like these, the parish officer, after making all proper efforts to induce




THE MONNIKINS.            17
some of the childless and benevolent of his acquaintance, to believe that an infant thus abandoned
was intended as an especial boon from Providence
to each of them in particular, was obliged to commit my father to the keeping of one of the regular
nurses of the parish. It was fortunate for the authenticity of this pedigree, that such was the result
of the orange-woman's application; for, had my
worthy ancestor been subjected to the happy accidents and generous caprices of voluntary charity,
it is more than probable I should be driven to throw
a veil over those important years of his life that
were notoriously passed in the work-house, but
which, in consequence of that occurrence, are now
easily authenticated by valid minutes and documentary evidence. Thus it is that there exists no
void in the annals of our family, even that period
which is usually remembered through gossiping and
idle tales in the lives of most men, being matter of
legal record in that of my progenitor, and so continued to be down to the day of his presumed majority, since he was indented to a careful master
the moment the parish could with any legality, putting decency quite out of the question, get rid of
him. I ought to have said, that the orange-woman,
taking a hint from the sign of a butcher opposite to
whose door my ancestor was found, had very cleverly given him the name of Thomas Goldencalf.
This second important transition in the affairs of
my father, might be deemed a presage of his future
fortunes. He was bound apprentice to a trader in
fancy articles, or a shopkeeper who dealt in such
objects as are usually purchased by those who do
not well know what to do with their money. This
trade was of immense advantage to the future pros.
perity of the young adventurer; for, in addition to
the known fact that they who amuse are much bet
2 *




18             THE MONIKINS.
ter paid than they who instruct their fellow-crea.
tures, his situation enabled him to study those ca*
prices of men, which, properly improved, are of
themselves a mine of wealth, as well as to gain a
knowledge of the important truth that the greatest
events of this life are much oftener the result of
impulse than of calculation.
I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed
from the lips of my ancestor, that no one could
have been more lucky than himself in the charac.
ter of his master. This personage, who came, in
time, to be my maternal grandfather, was one of
those wary traders who encourage others in their
follies, with a view to his.own advantage, and the
experience of fifty years had rendered him so expert in the practices of his calling, that it was seldom he struck out a new vein in his mine, without
finding himself rewarded for the enterprise, by a
success that was filly equal to his expectations.
" Tom,' he said one day to his apprentice, when
time had produced confidence and awakened sympathies between them, "thou art a lucky youth, or
the parish officer would never have brought thee
to my door, Thou little knowest the wealth that
is in store for thee, or the treasures that are at thy
command, if thou provest diligent, and in particular faithful to my interests."-,Mfy provident grandfather never missed an occasion to throw in a useful Woral, notwithstanding the general character of
veracity that distinguished his commerce.-.." Now,
what dost think, lad, may be the amount of my
capital?"
My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply,
for, hitherto, his ideas had been confined to the
profits; never having dared to lift his thoughts as
high as that source from which he could not but see
they flowed in a very ample stream; but thrown




TLE IIONIKINS.            19
upon mrmself by so unexpected a question, and being
quick at figures, after adding ten per cent. to the
sum which he knew the last year had given as the
nett avails of their joint ingenuity, he named the
amount, in answer to the interrogatory.
My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of
my direct lineal ancestor.
" Thou judgest, Tom," he said, when his mirth
was a little abated, "by what thou thinkest is the
cost of the actual stock before thine eyes, when thou
should'st take into the account that which I term
our floating capital."
Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that
his master had money in the funds, he did not account that as any portion of the available means
connected with his ordinary business; and as for a
floating capital, he did not well see how it could be
of much account, since the disproportion between the
cost and the selling prices of the different articles
in which they dealt was so great, that there was no
particular use in such an investment. As his master,
Kowever, rarely paid for any thing until he was in
possession of returns from it that exceeded the debt
some seven-fold, he began to think the old man was
alluding to the advantages he obtained in the way
of credit, and after a little more cogitation, he ventured to say as much.
Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a
hearty fit of laughter.
" Thou art clever in thy way, Tom," he said,
"' and I like the minuteness of thy calculations, for
they show an aptitude for trade; but there is genius
in our calling as well as cleverness. Come hither,
boy," he added, drawing Tom to a window whence
they could see the neighbors on their way to church,
for it was on a Sunday that my two provident pro.
genitors indulged in this moral view of humandity,




20              THE MONIKINS.
as best befitted the day, "come hither, boy, and
thou shalt see some small portion of that capital
which thou seemest to think hid, stalking abroad
by day-light, and in the open streets. Here, thou
see'st the wife of our neighbor, the pastry-cook;
with what an air she tosses her head and displays
the bauble thou sold'st her yesterday: well, even that
slattern, idle and vain, and little worthy of trust as
she is, carries about with her a portion of my capital!"
My worthy ancestor stared, for ht; never knew
the other to be guilty of so great an indiscretion
as to trust a woman whom they both knew bought
more than her husband was willing to pay for.
" She gave me a guinea, master, for that which
did not cost a seven-shilling piece!"
"' She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity
that urged her to it. I trade upon her folly, younker, and upon that of all mankind; now dost not
see with what a capital I carry on affairs? There
-there is the maid, carrying the idle hussy's pattens in the rear; I drew upon my stock in that
wench's possession, no later than the last week, for
half a crown!"
Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of
his provident master, and although he understood
them about as well as they will be understood by
the owners of half the soft humid eyes and sprouting
whiskers among my readers, by dint of cogitation
he came at last to a practical understanding of the
subject, which before he was thirty he had, to use
a French term, pretty well exploit&.
I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also
from the mouths of his contemporaries, that the
opinions of my ancestor underwent some material
changes between the ages of ten and forty, a cir.
cumstance that hag often led me to reflect that peo



THE MONICINS.             21
pie might do well not to be too confident of the6
principles, during the pliable period of life, whet,
the mind, like the tender shoot; is easily bent aside
and subjected to the action of surrounding causes.
During the earlier years of the plastic age, my
ancestor was observed to betray strong feelings of
compassion at the sight of charity-children, nor
was he ever known to pass a child, especially a
boy that was still in petticoats, and who was crying
with hunger in the streets, without sharing his own
crust with him. Indeed, his practice on this head
was said to be steady and uniform, whenever the
rencontre took place after my worthy father had
had his own sympathies quickened by a good dinner; a fact that may be imputed to a keener sense
of the pleasure he was about to confer.
After sixteen, he was known to converse occasionally on the subject of politics, a topic, on which
he came to be both expert and eloquent before
twenty. His usual theme was justice and the sacred rights of man, concerning which he sometimes uttered very pretty sentiments, and such as
were altogether becoming in one who was at the
bottom of the great social pot that was then, as
now, actively boiling, and where he was made to
feel most, the heat that kept it in ebullition. I am
assured that on the subject of taxation, and on that
of the wrongs of America and Ireland, there were
few youths in the parish who could discourse with
more zeal and unction. About this time, too, he
was heard shouting " Wilkes and Liberty!" in the
public streets.
But, as is the case with all men of rare capacities, there was a concentration of powers in the
mind of my ancestor, which soon brought all his
errant sympathies, the mere exuberance of acute
and overflowing feelings, into a proper and useful




22              THE MONIKINS.
subjection, centering all in the one absorbing and
capacious receptacle of self. I do not claim for
my father any peculiar quality in this respect, for I
have often observed that many of those who, (like
giddy-headed horsemen that raise a great dust, and
scamper as if the highway were too narrow for
their eccentric courses, before they are fairly seat
ed in the saddle, but who afterwards drive as directly at their goals as the arrow parting from the
bow,) most indulge their sympathies at the com.
mencement of their careers, are the most apt towards the close to get a proper command of their
feelings, and to reduce them within the bounds ot
common sense and prudence. Before five-andtwenty, my father was as exemplary and as constant a devotee of Plutus, as was then to be found
between Ratcliffe Highway and Bridge Street:-I
name these places in particular, as all the rest of
the great capital in which he was born is known to
be more indifferent to the subject of money.
My ancestor was just thirty, when his master,
who like himself was a bachelor, very unexpectedly, and a good deal to the scandal of the neighborhood, introduced a new inmate into his frugal abode,
in the person of an infant female child. It would seem
that some one had been speculating on his stock of
weakness too, for this poor, little, defenceless and
dependent being was thrown upon his care, like
Tom himself, through the vigilance of the parishofficers. There were many good-natured jokes
practised on the prosperous fancy-dealer, by the
more witty of his neighbours, at this sudden turn of
good fortune, and not a few ill-natured sneers were
given behind his back; most of the knowing ones
of the vicinity finding a, stronger likeness between
the little girl and all the other unmarried men of
the eight or ten adjoining streets, than to the worthy




THE IiOuNKIs,             23
liousekeeper who had been selected to pay for her
support,! have been much disposed to admit the
opinions of these amiable observers as authority in
my own pedigree, since it would be reaching the
obscurity in which all ancient lines take root, a
generation earli.r than by allowing the.presumption
that little Wetsey was my direct male ancestor's
rmster's daughter; but, on reflection, I have deter.
mined to adhere to the less popular but more simple version of the affair, because it is connected
withe thra nsmwssion of no small part of our estate,
a cireumstance of itself that at once gives dignity
and importance to a genealogy.
Whatever may have been the real opinion of the
reputed father touching his rights to the honors of
that respectable title, he soon became as strongly
attached to the child, as if it really owed its existenee to himself, The little girl was carefully nursed
abundantly fed, and throve accordingly. She had
reached her thi.d year, when the fancy-dealer took
the small-pox fromr his little pet, who was just re.
covering from the same disease, and died at the expiration of the tenth day.
This was an unlooked-for and a stunning blow'o my ancestor, who was then in his thirty-fifth year,
and the head-shopman of the establishment, which
had continud to grow with the growing follies and
vanities of the age. On examining his master's
will, it was found that my father, who had certainly aided materially of late in the acquisition of the
money, was left the good-will of the shop, the com.
mand of all the stock at cost, and the sole executorship of the estate. He was also intrusted with the
exclusive guardianship of little Betsey, to whom his
master had affeetionately devised every farthing of
his property. An ordinary reader may be surprised
that a man who had 4o 1ong practisd on the foibles




24             THE MONIKINS.
of his species, should have so much corfidence in a
mere shopman, as to leave his whole estate so completely in his power; but, it must be remembered,
that human ingenuity has not yet devised any means
by which we can carry our personal effects into thb
other world; that "what cannot be cured must be
endured;" that he must of necessity have confided
this important trust to some fellow-creature, and
that it was better to commit the keeping of his money to one, who, knowing the secret by which
it had been accumulated, had less inducement to be
dishonest, than one who was exposed to the temptation of covetousness, without having a knowledge
of any direct and legal means of gratifying his
longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, that
the testator thought, by giving up his trade to a man
who was as keenly alive as my ancestor to all its
perfections, moral and pecuniary, he provided a
sufficient protection against his falling into the sin
of peculation, by so amply supplying him with simpler means of enriching himself. Besides, it is fair
to presume that the long acquaintance had begotten
sufficient confidence to weaken the effect of that
saying which some wit has put into the mouth of a
wag —" make me your executor, father; I care not
to whom you leave the estate." Let all this be as
it might, nothing can be more certain than that my
worthy ancestor executed his trust with the scrupulous fidelity of a man whose integrity had been
severely schooled in the ethics of trade. Little Betsey
was properly educated for one in her condition of
life; her health was as carefully watched over as if
she had been the only daughter of the sovereign
instead of the only daughter of a fancy-dealer; her
morals were superintended by a superannuated old
maid; her mind left to its original purity; her person
jealously protected against the designs of greedy




THE MONIKINS.              25
fortune-hunters; and, to complete the catalogue of
his paternal attentions and solicitudes, my vigilant
and faithful ancestor, to prevent accidents, and to
counteract the chances of life, so far as it might be
done by human foresight, saw that she was legally
married, the day she reached her nineteenth year,
to the person whom, there is every reason to think,
he believed to be the most unexceptionable man
of his acquaintance,-in other words, to himself.
Settlements were unnecessary between parties who
had so long been known to each other, and, thanks
to the liberality of his late master's will in more
ways than one, a long minority, and the industry
of the ci-devant head-shopman, the nuptial benediction was no sooner pronounced, than our family
stepped into the undisputed possession of four hundred thousand pounds. Onoe less scrupulous on the
subject of religion and the law, might not have
thought it necessary to give the orphan heiress a
settlement so satisfactory, at the termination of her
wardship.
I was the fifth of the children who were the
fruits of this union, and the only one of them all,
that passed the first year of its life. My poor mother did not survive my birth, and I can only record
her qualities through the medium of that great agent
in the archives of the family, tradition. By all that
I have heard, she must have been a meek, quiet, domestic woman; who, by temperament and attainments, was admirably qualified to second the prudent plans of my father for her welfare. If she had
causes of complaint, (and that she had, there is too
much reason to think, for who has ever escaped
them?) they were concealed, with female fidelity,
in the sacred repository of her own heart; and if
truant imagination sometimes dimly drew an outline
of married happiness different from the facts that
a




26             THE MONIKINS.
stood in dull reality before her eyes, the picture
was merely commented on by a sigh, and consign.
ed to a cabinet whose key none ever touched but
herself, and she seldom.
Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I
fear it sometimes reached that intensity of feeling,
my excellent and indefatigable ancestor appeared to
have no suspicion. He pursued his ordinary occupations with his ordinary single-minded devotion,
and the last thing that would have crossed his brain
was the suspicion that he had not punctiliously
done his duty by his ward. Had he acted otherwise, none surely would have suffered more by his
delinquency than her husband, and none would
have a better right to complain. Now, as her husband never dreamt of making such an accusation,
it is not at all surprising that my ancestor remained
in ignorance of his wife's feelings, to the hour of
his death.
It has been said that the opinions of the successor of the fancy-dealer, underwent some essential
changes between the ages of ten and forty. After
he had reached his twenty-second year, or, in other
words, the moment he began to earn money for himself, as well as for his master, he ceased to cry "Wilken
and Liberty." He was not heard to breathe a syllable concerning the obligations of society toward;
the weak and unfortunate, for the five years that
succeeded his majority; he touched lightly on Christian duties in general, after he got to be worth fifty
pounds of his own; and as for railing at human follies, it would have been rank ingratitude in one
who so very unequivocally got his bread by them.
About this time, his remarks on the subject of taxation, however, were singularly caustic, and well
applied. He railed at the public debt, as at a pubie curse, and ominously predicted the dissolution




THE MONIKINS.             27
of society, in consequence of the burthens and incumbrances it was hourly accumulating on the
already overloaded shoulders of the trader.
The period of his marriage and of his succession
to the hoardings of his former master, may be dated
as the second epocha in the opinions of my ancestor.
From this moment his ambition expanded, his views
enlarged in proportion to his means, and his contemplations on the subject of his great floating capital became more profound and philosophical. A
man of my ancestor's native sagacity, whose whole
soul was absorbed in the pursuit of gain, who had
so long been forming his mind, by dealing as it
were with the elements of human weaknesses, and
who already possessed four hundred thousand
pounds, was very likely to strike out for himself
some higher road to eminence, than that in which
he had been laboriously journeying, during the
years of painful probation. The property of my
mother had been chiefly invested in good bonds
and mortgages; her protector, patron, benefactor,
and legalized father, having an unconquerable repugnance to confiding in that soulless, conventional,
nondescript body corporate, the public. The first
indication that was given by my ancestor of a
change of purpose in the direction of his energies,
was 1y calling in the whole of his outstanding debts,
and adopting the Napoleon plan of operations, by
concentrating his forces on a particular point, in
order that he might operate in masses. About this
time, too, he suddenly ceased railing at taxation
This change may be likened to that which occurs in
the language of the ministerial journals, when they
cease abusing any foreign state with whom the nation has been carrying on a war, that it is, at length,
believed politic to terminate; and for much the same
reason, as it was the intention of my thrifty ances




28             THE MONIKINS.
tor to make an ally of a power that he had hitherto
always treated as an enemy. The whole of the
four hundred thousand pounds were liberally in.
trusted to the country, the former fancy-dealer's
apprentice entering the arena of virtuous and patriotic speculation, as a bull; and, if with more
caution, with at least some portion of the energy
and obstinacy of the desperate animal that gives
title to this class of adventurers. Success crowned
his laudable efforts; gold rolled in upon him like
water on the flood, buoying him up, soul and body,
to that enviable height, where, as it would seem,
just views can alone be taken of society in its inuumerable phases. All his former views of life,
which, in common with others of a similar origin
and similar political sentiments, he had imbibed in
early years, and which might with propriety be
called near views, were now completely obscured
by the sublimer and broader prospect that was
spread before him.
I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit,
that my ancestor was never charitable in the vulgar acceptation of the term; but then, he always
maintained that his interest in his fellow-creatures
was of a more elevated cast, taking a comprehensive glance at all the bearings of good and evil,
-being of the sort of love which induces the
parent to correct the child, that the lesson of present suffering may produce the blessings of future
respectability and usefulness. Acting on these principles, he gradually grew more estranged from his
species in appearance; a sacrifice that was probably exacted by the severity of his practical reproofs for their growing wickedness, and the austere policy that was necessary to enforce them. By
this time, my ancestor was also thoroughly impress.
ed with what is called the value of money; a sen




THE MOmIKINS.              29
timent which, I believe, gives its possessor a livelier
verception than common of the dangers of the precious metals, as well as of their privileges and uses.
He expatiated occasionally on the guarantees that
it was necessary to give to society, for its own security; never even voted for a parish-officer, unless
he were a warm substantial citizen; and began to be
a subscriber to the patriotic fund, and to the other
similar little moral and pecuniary buttresses of the
government, whose common and commendable
object was, to protect our country, our altars, and
our firesides.
The death-bed of my mother has been described
to me as a touching and melancholy scene. It appears that as this meek and retired woman was
extricated from the coil of mortality, her intellect grew brighter, her powers of discernment
stronger, and her character in every respect more
elevated and commanding. Although she had said
much less about our firesides and altars than her
husband, I see no reason to doubt that she had ever
been quite as faithful as he could be to the one, and
as much devoted to the other. I shall describe the
important event of her passage from this to a better world, as I have often had it repeated from the
lips of one who was present, and who has had an
important agency in since making me the man I
am. This person was the clergyman of the parish,
a pious divine, a learned man, and a gentleman in
feeling as well as by extraction.
My mother, though long conscious that she was
drawing near to her last great account, had steadily refused to draw her husband from his absorbing
pursuits, by permitting him to be made acquainted
with her situation. He knew that she was ill; very
ill, as he had reason to think; but, as }le not only
allowed her, but even volunteered to order her all
3*




30             THE MONIKINS.
the advice and relief that money could command,
(my ancestor was not a miser in the vulgar meaning of the word,) he thought that he had done ahl
that man could do, in a case of life and death, interests over which he professed to have no control.
He saw Dr. Etherington, the rector, come and go
daily, for a month, without uneasiness or apprehen
sion, for he thought his discourse had a tendency to
tranquillize my mother, and he had a strong affec
tion for all that left him, undisturbed, to the enjoyment of the occupation in which his whole energies
were now completely centered. The physician got
his guinea at each visit, with scrupulous punctuality; the nurses were well received and were well
satisfied, for no one interfered with their acts but
the doctor; and every ordinary duty of commission was as regularly discharged by my ancestor,
as if the sinking and resigned creature from whom
he was about to be for ever separated, had been
the spontaneous choice of his young and fresh
affections.
When, therefore, a servant entered to say that
Dr. Etherington desired a private interview, my
worthy ancestor, who had no consciousness of
having neglected any obligation that became a
friend of church and state, was in no small measure surprised.
s' I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty,"
said the pious rector, entering the private cabinet
to which his application had for the first time obtained his admission; "the fatal secret can no
longer be concealed from you, and your wife at
length consents that I shall be the instrument of
revealing it."
The Doctor paused; for, on such occasions it is
perhaps as well to let the party that is about to be




THE MONIKINS.              31
shocked, receive a little of the blow through his
own imagination; and busily enough was that of my
poor father said to be exercised on this painful occasion. He grew pale, opened his eyes until they
again filled the sockets into which they had gradually been sinking for twenty years, and looked a
hundred questions that his tongue refused to put.
" It cannot be, Doctor," he at length querulously
said, "that a woman like Betsey has got an inkling into any of the events connected with the last
great secret expedition, and which have escaped my
jealousy and experience!"
" I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has
obtained glimpses of the last great and secret expedition on which we must all, sooner or later, embark, that have entirely escaped your vigilance.But of this I will speak some other time. At present it is my painful duty to inform you it is the
opinion of the physician, that your excellent wife
cannot outlive the day, if, indeed, she do the hour."
My father was struck with this intelligence, and
for more than a minute he remained silent and
without motion. Casting his eyes towards the papers on which he had lately been employed, and
which contained some very important calculations
connected with the next settling day, he ai fngth
resumed:
" If this be really so, Doctor, it may be well foi
me to go to her, since one in the, situation of the
poor woman may indeed have something of importance to communicate."
" It was with this object that I have now come to
tell you the truth," quietly answered the divine, who
knew that nothing was to be gained by contending
with the besetting weakness of such a man, at such
a moment.




r2 HE MONIKINS.
My father bent his head in assent, and, first
carefully Inclosing the open papers in a secretary.
he followed his companion to the bed-side of his
dying wife.
CHAPTER II.
Touching myself and ten thousand pounds.
ALTHOUGH my ancestor was much too wise to
refuse to look back upon his origin in a worldly point
of view, he never threw his retrospective glances
so far as to reach the sublime mystery of his moral
existence; and while his thoughts might be said to
be ever on the stretch to attain glimpses into the
future, they were by far too earthly to extend beyond any other settling day than those which were
regulated by the ordinances of the stock exchange.
With him, to be born was but the commencement
of a speculation, and to die was to determine the
general balance of profit and loss. A man who
had so rarely meditated on the grave changes of
mortality, therefore, was consequently so much the
less prepared to gaze upon the visible solemnities
of a death-bed. Although he had never truly loved
my mother, for love was a sentiment much too
pure and elevated for one whose imagination dwelt
habitually on the beauties of the stock-books, he
had ever been kind to her, and of late he was even
much disposed, as has already been stated, to contribute as much to her temporal comforts as comrted with his pursuits and habits. On the other
and, the quiet temperament of my mother required
some more exciting cause than the affections of her
husband, to quicken those germs of deep, placid,




THE MONIKINS.              33
womanly love, that certainly lay dormant in her
heart, like seed withering with the ungenial cold
of winter. The last meeting of such a pair was not
likely to be attended with any violent outpourings
of grief.
My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck
with the physical changes in the appearance of his
wife.
"Thou art much emaciated, Betsey," he said,
taking her hand kindly, after a long and solemn
pause; " much more so than I had thought, or could
have believed! Does nurse give thee comforting
soups and generous nourishment?"
My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death;
but waved her hand, with loathing, at his suggestion.
" All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf," she answered, speaking with a distinctness and an energy
for which she had long been reserving her strength.
"Food and raiment are no longer among my
wants."
"Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of neither food nor raiment, cannot be said to be in great
suffering, after all; and I am glad that thou art so
much at ease. Dr. Etherington tells me thou art
far from well bodily, however, and I am come expressly to see it I c'an order any thing that will
help to make thee more easy."
"Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life
are nearly over; a short hour, or two, will remove
me beyond the world, its cares, its vanities, its-"
My poor mother probably meant to add, its heartlessness or its selfishness; but she rebuked herself,
and paused —" By the mercy of our blessed Redeemer, zn'd through the benevolent agency of this
excellent man," she resumed, glancing her eye upward at first with holy reverence, and then at the




34             THE MONIKINS.
divine with meek gratitude, "I quit you without
alarm, and were it not for one thing, I might say
without care."
" And what is there to distress thee, in particular,
Betsey?" asked my father, blowing his nose, and
speaking with unusual tenderness; "if it be in my
power to set thy heart at ease on this, or on any
other point, name it, and I will give orders to have
it immediately performed. Thou hast been a good
pious woman, and can have little to reproach thyself with."
My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her
husband. Never before had he betrayed so strong
an interest in her happiness, and had it not, alas!
been too late, this glimmering of kindness might
have lighted the matrimonial torch into a brighter
flame than had ever yet glowed upon the past.
"Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son-  "
"We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to
hear that the physician thinks the boy more likely
to live than either of his poor brothers and sisters."
I cannot explain the holy and mysterious principle of maternal nature that caused my mother to
clasp her hands, to raise her eyes to heaven, and,
while a gleam flitted athwart her glassy eyes and
wan cheeks, to murmur her thanks to God for the
boon. She was herself hastening away to the eternal bliss of the pure of mind and the redeemed, and
her imagination, quiet and simple as it was, had
drawn pictures in which she and her departed
babes were standing before the throne of the Most
High, chanting his glory, and shining amid the
stars —and yetwas she now rejoicing that the last and
the most cherished of all her offspring, was likely
to be left exposed to the evils, the vices, nay, to tie
enormities, of the state of being that -she hersel: to
willingly resigned.




THE MONIKINS.              35
"It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr.
Goldencalf," replied my mother, when her secret
devotion was ended. " The child will have need
of instruction and care; in short, of both mother
and father."
"Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the
latter."
"You are much wrapped up in your business,
Mr. Goldencalf, and are not, in other respects,
qualified to educate a boy born to the curse and to
the temptations of immense riches."
My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought
his dying consort had in sooth finally taken leave
of her senses.
" There are public schools, Betsey; I promise
thee the child shall not be forgotten: I will have
him well taught, though it cost me a thousand a
year!"
His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to
that of my father, and pressed the latter with as
much force as a dying mother could use. For a
fleet moment she even appeared to have gotten rid
of her latest care. But the knowledge of character that had been acquired by the hard experience
of thirty years, was not to be unsettled by the gratitude of a moment.
" I wish, Mr. Goldencalf," she anxiously resumed,
"to receive your solemn promise to commit the
education of our boy to Dr. Etherington -you
know his worth, and must have full confidence in
such a mnan."
"Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my
dear Betsey; and if Dr. Etherington will consent
to receive him, I will send Jack to his house this
very evening; for, to own the truth, I am but little
qualified to take charge of a child under a year old.




36             THE MONIKINS.
A hundred a year, more or less, shall not spoil so
good a bargain."
The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave
at this speech, though, meeting the anxious eyes of
my mother, his own lost their displeasure in a
glance of reassurance and pity.
"The charges of his education will be easily set.
tied, Mr. Goldencalf" —added my mothera-"but
the. Doctor has consented with difficulty to take
the responsibility of my poor babe, and that only
under two conditions."
The stock-dealer required an explanation with
his eyes.
"One is, that the child shall be left solely to his
own care, after he has reached his fourth year; and
the other is, that you make an endowment for the
support of two poor scholars, at one of the principal schools."
As my mother got out the last words, she fell
back on her pillow, whence her interest in the subject had enabled her to lift her head a little, and
she fairly gasped for breath, in the intensity of her
anxiety to hear the answer. My ancestor contracted his brow, like one who saw it was a subject
that required reflection.
" Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these
endowments swallow up a great deal of money —
a great deal-and often very uselessly."
" Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been
agreed upon between Mrs. Goldencalf and me,"
steadily remarked the Doctor, who, in my soul, I
believe had hoped that his condition would be rejected, having yielded to the importunities of a dying woman, rather than to his own sense of that
which might be either very desirable or very useful.
"Ten thousand pounds!"




THE KONIKINS.             37
My mother could not speak, though she succeeded in making an imploring sign of assent.
" Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money,
my dear Betsey; —a very great deal!"
The colour of my mother changed to the hue
of death, and by her breathing she appeared to be
in the agony.
"Well —well, Betsey," said my father a little
hastily, for he was frightened at her pallid countenance and extreme distress- "have it thine own
way-the money-yes, yes-it shall be given as
thou wish'st —now set thy kind heart at rest."
The revulsion of feeling was too great for one
whose system had been wound up to a state of ex,
citement like that which had sustained my mother,
who, an hour before, had seemed scarcely able to
speak. She extended her hand towards her husband, smiled benignantly in his face, whispered the
word "Thanks," and then, losing all her powers
of body, sunk into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the
infant drops its head on the bosom of the nurse.
This was, after all, a sudden, and, in one sense, an
unexpected death: all who witnessed it were struck
with awe. My father gazed for a whole minute
intently on the placid features of his wife, and left
the room in silence. He was followed by Dr.
Etherington, who accompanied him to the private
apartment, where they had first met that night,
neither uttering a syllable until both were seated.
"She was a good woman, Dr. Etherington!"
said the widowed man, shaking his foot with agitation.
" She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf."
"And a good wife, Dr. Etherington."
"I have always believed her to be a good wife,
Pir "
4




3rS            THE MONIKINS.
" Faithful, obedient, and frugal."
"Three qualities that are of much practical use
in the affairs of this world."
" I never shall marry again, sir."
The divine bowed.
" Nay, I never could find such another match!"
Again the divine inclined his head, though the
assent was accompanied by a slight smile.
"Well, she has left me an heir."
"And brought something that he might inherit"observed the Doctor, dryly.
My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his companion, but apparently most of the sarcasm was
thrown away.
" I resign the child to your care, Dr. Etherington, conformably to the dying request of my beloved
Betsey."
" I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, conformably to my promise to the deceased; but you will
remember that there was a condition coupled with
that promise which must be faithfully and promptly
fulfilled."
My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect
the punctilios of trade, whose code admits of frauds
only in certain categories, which are sufficiently
explained in its conventional rules of honor; a sort
of specified morality, that is bottomed more on the
convenience of its votaries than on the general law
of right. He respected the letter of his promise,
while his soul yearned to avoid its spirit; and his
wits were already actively seeking the means of
doing that which he so much desired.
" I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly,"
he answered in the way of one who pondered"and it was a promise, too, made under very
solemn circumstances."
"The promises made to the dead are doubly




THE MONIKINS.              39
binding; since, by their departure to the world of.pirits, it may be said they leave the performance
to the exclusive superintendence of the Being who
cannot lie."
My ancestor quailed; his whole frame shuddered,
and his purpose was shaken.
"Poor Betsey left you as her representative in
this case, however, Doctor"' —he observed, after
the delay of more than a minute, casting his eyes
wistfully towards the divine.
"In one sense, she certainly did, sir."
"And a representative with full powers, is legally a principal under a different name. I think this
matter might be arranged to our mutual satisfaction,
Dr. Etherington, and the intention of poor Betsey
most completely executed; she, poor woman, knew
little of business, as was best for her sex; and when
women undertake affairs of magnitude, they are
very apt to make awkward work of it."
" So that the intention of the deceased be completely fulfilled, you will not find me exacting, Mr.
Goldencalf."
"I thought as much —I knew there could be no
difficulty between two men of sense, who were met
with honest views to settle a matter of this nature.
The intention of poor Betsey, Doctor, was to place
her child under your care, with the expectatonand I do not deny its justice-that the boy would
receive more benefit from your knowledge thwn he
possibly could from mine."
Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny thes.
premises, and too polite to admit them without an
inclination of acknowledgment.
"As we are quite of the same mind, good sir,
concerning the preliminaries," continued my ancestor, "we will enter a little nearer into the details.
It appears to me to be no more than strict justice,




40             THE  OMNIKINS.
that he who does the work should receive the re.
ward. This is a principle in which I have been
educated, Dr. Etherington; it is one in which I
could wish to have my son educated; and it is one
on which I hope always to practise."
Another inclination of the body conveyed the
silent assent of the divine.
"Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her!-for she
was a meek and tranquil companion, and richly deserves to be rewarded in a future state-but, poor
Betsey had little knowledge of business. She fancied, that in bestowing these ten thousand pounds
on a charity, she was acting well; whereas, she
was in fact committing injustice. If you are to
have the trouble and care of bringing up little Jack,
who but you should reap the reward?"
"I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will
furnish the means to provide for the child's wants."
" Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak," interrupted my ancestor, both promptly and proudly.
"I am a wary man, and a prudent man, and am
one who knows the value of money, I trust; but I
am no miser, to stint my own flesh and blood. Jack
shall never want for any thing, while it is in my
power to give it. I am by no means as rich, sir,
as the neighbourhood supposes; but then I am no
beggar. I dare say, if all my assets were fairly
counted, it might be found that I am worth a plum."
"You are said to have received a much larger
sum than that, with the late Mrs. Goldencalf," the
divine observed, not without reproof in his voice.
"Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar
rumor is-  but I shall not undermine my own
credit; and we will change the subject. My object, Dr. Etherington, was merely to do justice.
Poor Betsey desired that ten thousand pounds might
be given to found a scholarship or two: now, what




THE MONIKINS.             41
have these scholars done, or what are they likely to
do, for me or mine? The case is different with you,
sir; you will have trouble-much trouble, I make
no doubt; and it is proper, that you should have a
sufficient compensation. I was about to propose,
therefore, that you should consent to receive my
check for three,-or four,-or even for five thousand pounds," continued my ancestor, raising the
offer as he saw the frown on the brow of the Doctor deepen. "Yes, sir, I will even say the latter
sum, which possibly will not be too much for your
trouble and care; and we will forget the womanish
plan of poor Betsey, in relation to the two scholarships and the charity. Five thousand pounds down,
Doctor, for yourself, and the subject of the charity
forgotten for ever."
When my father had thus distinctly put his proposition, he awaited its effect with the confidence
of one who had long dealt with cupidity. For a
novelty, his calculation failed. The face of Dr.
Etherington flushed, then paled, and finally settled
into a look of melancholy reprehension. He arose
and paced the room for several minutes in silence;
during which time his companion believed he was
debating with himself on the chances of obtaining
a higher bid for his consent, when he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor in a mild, but steady
tone.
" I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf," he said,
"to admonish you of the precipice over which you
hang. The love of money, which is the root of all
evil, which caused Judas to betray even his Saviour
and God, has taken deep root in your soul. You
are no longer young, and, although still proud in
your strength and prosperity, are much nearer to
your great account, than you may be willing to
believe. It is not an hour since you witnessed the
4*




42               THE MONIKINS.
departure of a penitent soul for the presence of her
God; since you heard the dying request from her
lips; and since, in such a presence and in such a
scene, you gave a pledge to respect her wishes
and, now, with the accursed spirit of gain upper
most, you would trifle with these most sacred obliga
tions, in order to keep a little worthless gold in a
hand that is already full to overflowing. Fancy
that the pure spirit of thy confiding and singleminded wife werepresent at this conversation; fancy
it mourning over thy weakness and violated faith
-nay, I know not that such is not the fact; for
there is no reason to believe that the happy spirits
are not permitted to watch near, and mourn over
us, until we are released from this mass of sin and
depravity in which we dwell-and, then, reflect
what must be her sorrow, at hearing how soon her
parting request is forgotten, how useless has been
the example of her holy end, how rooted and fearful
are thine own infirmities!"
My father was more rebuked by the manner
than by the words of the divine. He passed his
hand across his brow, as if to shut out the view of
his wife's spirit; turned, drew his writing materials
nearer, wrote a check for the ten thousand pounds,
and handed it to the doctor with the subdued air of
a corrected boy.
"Jack shall be at your disposal, good sir," he
said, as the paper was delivered, " whenever it may
be your pleasure to send for him."
They parted in silence; the divine too much displeased, and my ancestor too much grieved, to indulge in words of ceremony.
When my father found himself alone, he gazed
furtively about the room, to assure himself that the
rebuking spirit of his wife had not taken a shape
less questionable than air, and then he mused for at




THE MONIKINS.             43
least an hour, very painfully, on all the principal
occurrences of the night. It is said that occupation
is a certain solace for grief, and so it proved to
be in the present case; for luckily my father had
made up that very day his private account of the
sum total of his fortune. Sitting down, therefore,
to the agreeable task, he went through the simple
process of substracting from it the amount for
which he had just drawn, and, finding that he was
still master of seven hundred and eighty-two thousand three hundred and eleven pounds odd shillings
and even pence, he found a very natural consolation for the magnitude of the sum he had just given
away, by comparing it with the magnitude of that
which was left.
CHAPTER III.
Opinions of our author's ancestor, together with some of his
own, and some of other people's.
DR. ETHERINGTON was both a pious man and a
gentleman. The second son of a baronet of ancient lineage, he had been educated in most of the
opinions of his caste, and possibly he was not entirely above its prejudices; but, this much admitted,
few divines were more willing to defer to the ethics
and principles of the bible, than himself. His humility had, of course, a decent regard to station;
his charity was judiciously regulated by the articles
of faith; and his philanthropy was of the discriminating character that became a warm supporter of church and state.
In accepting the trust which he was now obliged
to assume, he had yielded purely to a benevolent




424            THE MONIKINS.
wish to smooth the dying pillow of my mother
Acquainted with the character of her husband, he
had committed a sort of pious fraud, in attaching
the condition of the endowment to his consent;
for, notwithstanding the becoming language of his
own rebuke, the promise, and all the other little
attendant circumstances of the night, it might be
questioned which felt the most surprise after the
draft was presented and duly honored, he who found
himself in possession, or he who found himself deprived, of the sum of ten thousand pounds sterling.
Still, Dr. Etherington acted with the most scrupulous integrity in the whole affair; and, although I
am aware, that a writer whogtas so many wonders
to relate, as must of necessity adorn the succeeding
pages of this manuscript, should observe a guarded
discretion in drawing on the credulity of his readers, truth compels me to add, that every farthing
of the money was duly invested, with a single eye
to the wishes of the dying Christian, who, under
Providence, had been the means of bestowing so
much gold on the poor and unlettered. As to the
manner in which the charity was finally improved,
I shall say nothing, since no inquiry, on my part,
has ever enabled me to obtain such information as
would justify my speaking with authority.
As for myself, I shall have little more to add.
touching the events of the succeeding twenty years.
I was baptized, nursed, breeched, schooled, horsed,
confirmed, sent to the university and graduated,
much as befalls all gentlemen of the established
church, in the United Kingdoms of Great Britain
and Ireland, or, in other words, of the land of my
ancestor. During these pregnant years, Dr. EtheringLon acquitted himself of a duty that, judging by a very
predominant feeling of human nature, (whichl, singularly enough, renders us uniformly averse to being




THI MONIKINS.             45
troubled with other people's affairs,) I think he must
have found sufficiently vexatious, quite as well as
my good mother had any right to expect. Most
of my vacations were spent at his rectory; for he
had first married, then become a father, next a
widower, and had exchanged his town-living for
one in the country, between the periods of my mother's death and that of my going to Eton; and,
after I quitted Oxford, much more of my time was
passed beneath his friendly roof, than beneath that of
my own parent. Indeed, I saw little of the latter.
He paid my bills, furnished me with pocket-money,
and professed an intention to let me travel after I
should reach my rrnjority. But, satisfied with
these proofs of paternal care, he appeared willing
to let me pursue my own course very much in my
own way.
My ancestor was an eloquent example of the
truth of that political dogma which teaches the
efficacy of the division of labor. No manufacturer.
of the head of a pin ever attained greater dexterity
in his single-minded vocation, than was reached by
my father in the one pursuit to which he devoted,
so far as human ken could reach, both soul and
body. As any sense is known to increase in acuteness by constant exercise, or any passion by indulgence, so did his ardor in favor of the great object
of his affections grow with its growth, and become
more manifest as an ordinary observer would be
apt to think the motive of its existence at all had
nearly ceased. This is a moral phenomenon that
I have often had occasion to observe, and which
there is some reason to think, depends on a principle of attraction that has hitherto escaped the sagacity of the philosophers, but which is as active
in the immaterial, as is that of gravitation in the
material world. Talents like his. so incessantly




46               THE MONIKINS.
and unweariedly employed, produced the usual
fruits. He grew richer hourly, and, at the time
of which I speak, he was pretty generally known
to the initiated, to be the warmest man who had
any thing to do with the stock exchange.
I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor
underwent as many material changes between the
ages of fifty and seventy, as they had undergone
between the ages of ten and forty. During the
latter period, the tree of life usually gets deep root,
its inclination is fixed, whether obtained by bending to the storms, or by drawing towards the light;
and it probably yields more in fruits of its own,
than it gains by tillage and manuring. Still my
ancestor was not exactly the same man the day
he kept his seventieth birth-day, as he had been
the day he kept his fiftieth. In the first place, he
was worth thrice the money at the former period,
that he had been worth at the latter. Of course
his moral system had undergone all the mutations
that are known to be dependent on a change of
this important character. Beyond a question,
during the last five-and-twenty years of the life of
my ancestor, his political bias, too, was in favor of
exclusive privileges and exclusive benefits. I d,
not mean that he was an aristocrat in the vulgar
acceptation. To him, feodality was a blank; he
had probably never heard the word. Portcullises
rose and fell, flanking towers lifted their heads, and
embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain,
so far as his imagination was concerned. HIe cared
not for the days of courts leet and courts baron;
nor for the barons themselves; nor for the honors
of a pedigree (why should he?-no prince in the
land could more clearly trace his family into ob.
scurity, than himself,) nor for the vanities of a
court, nor for those of society; nor for aught else




TH: MONIKINS.              47
of the same nature, that is apt to have charms for
the weak-minded, the imaginative, or the conceited. His political prepossessions showed themselves
in a very different manner. Throughout the whole
of the five lustres I have named, he was never
heard to whisper a censure against government
let its measures, or the character of its administration, be what it would. It was enough for him
that it was government. Even taxation no longer
excited his ire, nor aroused his eloquence. He conceived it to be necessary to order, and especially
to the protection of property, a branch of political
science that he had so studied, as to succeed in
protecting his own estate, in a measure, against
even this great ally itself. After he became worth
a million, it was observed that all his opinions grew
less favorable to mankind in general, and that he
was much disposed to exaggerate the amount and
quality of the few boons which Providence has
bestowed on the poor. The report of a meeting
of the whigs, generally had an effect on his appetite; a resolution that was suspected of emanating
from Brookes', commonly robbed him of a dinner,
and the radicals never seriously moved that he did
not spend a sleepless night, and pass a large portion of the next day, in uttering words that it
would be hardly moral to repeat. I may without
impropriety add, however, that on such occasions,
he did not spare allusions to the gallows: Sir Francis Burdett, in.particular, was a target for a good
deal of billingsgate; and men as upright and as
respectable even as my lords Grey, Lansdowne,
and Holland, were treated as if they were no better than they should be. But, on these little details
it is unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject
of common remark, that the more elevated and
efined men become in their political ethics, the




48              THE? MONIKINS.
more tney are accustomed to throw dirt upon their
neighbors. I will just state, however, that most
of what I have here related, has been transmitted
to me by direct oral traditions, for I seldom saw
my ancestor, and when we did meet, it was only
to settle accounts, to eat a leg of mutton together,
and to part like those who, at least, have never
quarrelled.
Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say
nothing of my own merits) had attached him to
one who owed so much to his care, and his doors
were always as open to me, as if I had been his
own son.
It has been said, that most of my idle time
(omitting the part mispent in the schools) was
passed at the rectory.
The excellent divine had married a lovely
woman, a year or two after the death of my mother, who had left him a widower, and the father
of.a little image of herself, before the expiration
of a twelvernonth. Owing to the strength of his
affections for the deceased, or for his daughter, or
because he could not please himself in a second
marriage as well as it had been his good fortune to
do so in the first, Dr. Etherington had never spoken
of forming another connexion. He appeared content to discharge his duties, as a Christian and a
gentleman, without increasing them by creating
any new relations with society.
Anna Etherington was of course my constant
companion, during many long and delightful visits at
the rectorv. Three years my junior, the friendship
on my part had commenced by a hundred acts of
boyish kindness. Between the ages of seven and
twelve, I dragged her about in a garden-chair,
pushed her on the swing, and wiped her eyes and
uttered words of friendly consolation, when any




THE MONIKINS.             49
transient cloud obscured the sunny brightness of hlex
childhood. From twelve to fourteen, I told her
stories; astonished her with narratives of my own
exploits at Eton, and caused her serene blue eyes
to open in admiration, at the marvels of London.
At fourteen, I began to pick up her pocket-handkerchief, hunt for her thimble, accompany her in duets,
and to read poetry to her, as she occupied herself
with the little lady-like employments of the needle.
About the age of seventeen, I began to compare
cousin Anna, as I was permitted to call her, with the
other young girls of my acquaintance, and the comparison was generally much in her favor. It was
also about this time, that, as my admiration grew
more warm and manifest, she became less confiding,
and less frank: I perceived too that, for a novelty,
she now had some secrets that she did not choose
to communicate to me, that she was more with her
governess, and less in my society than formerly,
and, on one occasion (bitterly did I feel the slight)
she actually recounted to her father the amusing
incidents of a little birth-day fete at which she
had been present, and which was given by a gentleman of the vicinity, before she even dropped a
hint to me, touching the delight she had experienced on tne occasion! I was, however, a good
deal compensated for the slight, by her saying,
kindly, as she ended her playful and humorous account of the affair,"It would have made you laugh heartily, Jack
to see the droll manner in which the servants acted
their parts;" (there had been a sort of mistified
masque) "more particularly the fat old butler, of
whom they had made a Cupid, as Dick Griffin said,
in order to show that Love becomes drowsy and dull
by good eating and drinking-1 do wish yku could
have been there, Jack,"




50              THE MONIKINS.
Anna was a gentle feminine girl, with a most
lovely and winning countenance, and I did inherently like to hear her pronounce the word "Jack" —
it was so different from the boisterous screech of
the Eton boys, or the swaggering call of my boon
companions, at Oxford!
" 1 should have liked it excessively myself, Anna,"
I answered; "more particularly as you seem to
have so much enjoyed the fun."
" Yes, but that could not be"-interrupted MissMrs. Norton, the governess. —" For Sir Harry Griffin is very difficult about his associates, and you
know, my dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, though a very
respectable young man himself, could not expect
one of the oldest Baronets of the county, to go out
of his way to invite the son of a stock-jobber to be
present at a fete given to his own heir."
Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington
had walked away, the moment his daughter ended
her recital, or she might have met with a disagreeable commentary on her notions concerning the fitress of associations. Anna herself looked earnestly
at her governess, and I saw a flush mantle over her
sweet face, that reminded me of the ruddiness of
morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the floor, and it
was some time before she spoke.
The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle
under a window of the library, where my person
was concealed by the shrubbery, when I heard the
melodious voice of Anna wishing the rector good
morning. My heart beat quicker as she approached the casement, tenderly inquiring of her parent
how he had passed the night. The answers were
as affectionate as the questions, and then there
was a little pause.
"What is a stock-jobber, father?" suddenly resumcd Anna, whom I heard rustling the leaves
above my head.




THE MONIKINS.             51
"A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and
sells in the public funds, with a view to profit."
"And is it thought a particularly disgraceful
employment?"
"Why, that depends on circumstances. On'Change it seems to be well enough-among merchants and bankers, there is some odium attached
to it, I believe."
"And can you say why, father?"
" I believe," said Dr. Etherington, laughing, " for
no other reason than that it is an uncertain calling
-one'that is liable to sudden reverses-what is
termed gambling —and whatever renders property
insecure, is sure to obtain odium among those
whose principal concern is its accumulation; those
who consider the responsibility of others of essential importance to themselves."
" But is it a dishonest pursuit, father?"
"As the times go, not necessarily, my dear;
though it may readily become so."
"And is it disreputable, generally, with the
world?"
" That depends on circumstances, Anna. When
the stock-jobber loses, he is very apt to be condemned; but I rather think his character rises in
proportion to his gains. But why do you ask these
singular questions, love?"
I thought I heard Anna breathe harder than
usual, and it is certain that she leaned far out of
the window, to pluck a rose.
" Why, Mrs. Norton said, Jack was not invited
to Sir Harry Griffin's, because his father was a
stock-jobber. Do you think she was right, sir?"
"Very likely, my dear," returned the divine,
who I fancied was smiling at the question.   Sir
Harry has the advantages of birth, and he piobably did not forget that our friend Jack was not so




52              THE MONIKINS.
fortunate-and, moreover, Sir Harry, while he
values himself on his wealth, is not as rich as
Jack's father, by a million or two-in other words,
as they say on'Change, Jack's father could buy
ten of him. This motive was perhaps more likely
to influence him than the first. In addition, Sir
Harry is suspected of gambling himself in the
funds, through the aid of agents; and a gentleman
who resorts to such means to increase his fortune,
is a little apt to exaggerate his social advantages,
by way of a set-off to the humiliation."
" And gentlemen do really become stock-jobbers,
father?"
" Anna, the world has undergone great changes
in my time. Ancient opinions have been shaken,
and governments themselves are getting to be
little better than political establishments to add
facilities to the accumulation of money. This is
a subject, however, you cannot very well understand, nor do I pretend to be very profound in it,
myself."
" But is Jack's father really so very, very rich?"
asked Anna, whose thoughts had been wandering
from the thread of those pursued by her father.
"He is believed to be so."
"' And Jack is his heir?"
"Certainly-he has no other child; though it is
not easy to say, what so singular a being may do
with his money."
" I hope he will disinherit Jack!"
"You surprise me, Anna!-You, who are so
mild and reasonable, to wish such a misfortune to
befall our young friend, John Goldencalf!"
I gazed upward in astonishment, at this extra.
ordinary speech of Anna, and, at the moment, I
would have given all my interest in the fortune in
question, to have seen her face, (most of her body




TIHE MONIKIS.             53
was out of the window, for I heard her again
rustling the bush above my head,) in order to judge
of her motive by its expression; but an envious
rose grew exactly in the only spot where it was
possible to get a glimpse.
"Why do you wish so cruel a thing?" resumed
Dr. Etherington, a little earnestly.
"Because I hate stock-jobbing, and its riches,
father. Were Jack poorer, it seems to me, he
would be better esteemed."
As this was uttered, the dear girl drew back,
and I then perceived that I had mistaken her cheek
for one of the largest and most blooming of the
flowers. Dr. Etherington laughed, and I distinctly
heard him kiss the blushing face of his daughter.
I think I would have given up my hopes in another
million, to have been the rector of Tenthpig, at
that instant.
" If this be all, child," he answered, "set thy
heart at rest. Jack's money will never bring him
into contempt, unless through the use he may
make of it. Alas! Anna, we live in an age of
corruption and cupidity! Generous motives appear to be lost sight of, in the general desire of
gain; and he who would manifest a disposition to
a pure and disinterested philanthropy, is either distrusted as a hypocrite, or derided as a fool. The
accursed revolution among our neighbors, the
French, has quite unsettled opinions, and religion
itself has tottered in the wild anarchy of theories,
to which it has given rise. There is no worldly
advantage that has been more austerely denounced
by the divine writers, than riches, and yet it is fast
rising to be the god of the ascendant. To say nothing of an hereafter, society is getting to be corrupted by it to the core, and even respect for birth
is yielding to the mercenary feeling."
5*




54             THE MONIKINS.
"And do you not think pride of birth, father, a
mistaken prejudice, as well as pride of riches?"
"' Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be
defended on evangelical principles; but surely
some distinctions among men are necessary, even
for quiet. Were the levelling principle acknowledged, the lettered and the accomplished must
descend to an equality with the ignorant and vulgar, since all men cannot rise to the attainments
of the former class, and the world would retrograde to barbarism. The character of a Christian
gentleman is much too precious to trifle with, in
order to carry out an impracticable theory."
Anna was silent. Probably she was confused
between the opinions which she most liked to cherish, and the faint glimmerings of truth to which
r.e are reduced, by the ordinary relations of life.,s for the good rector himself, I had no difficulty
in understanding his bias, though neither his premises nor his conclusions possessedthe logical clearness that used to render his sermons so delightful,
more especially when he preached about the higher
qualities of the Saviour's dispensation, such as
charity, love of our fellows, and, in particular, the
imperative duty of humbling ourselves before God.
A month after this accidental dialogue, chance
made me the auditor of what passed between my
ancestor and Sir Joseph Job, another celebrated
dealer in the funds, in an interview that took place
in the house of the former, in Cheapside. As the
difference was so patent, as the French express
it, I shall furnish the substance of what passed.
"This is a serious and a most alarming movement, Mr. Goldencalf," observed Sir Joseph, " and
calls for union and cordiality among the holders
of property. Should these damnable opinions get
failly abroad among the people, what would be



THE MONIKINS.              55
come of us?-I ask, Mr. Goldencalf, what would
become of us?"
1" I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarming!-frightfully alarming!"
"We shall have Agrarian laws, sir.-Your mo.
ney, sir, and mine,-our hard earnings, will become the prey of political robbers, and our children will be beggared, to satisfy the envious longings of some pitiful scoundrel without a six-pence 1"
"'Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph; and
government is very culpable that it don't raise at
least ten new regiments."
", The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that
there are some jack-a-napes of the aristocracy
who lead the rascals on, and lend them the sanction of their names. It is a great mistake, sir,
that we give so much importance to birth in this
island, by which means proud beggars set unwashed blackguards in motion, and the substantial subjects are the sufferers. Property, sir, is in danger, and property is the only true basis of society."," I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the
smallest use in birth."
" It is of no use, but to beget pensioners, Mr.
Goldencalf.-Now, with property, it is a different
thing-money is the parent of money, and by
money a state becomes powerful and prosperous.
But this accursed revolution among our neighbors,
the French, has quite unsettled opinions, and, alas!
property is in perpetual danger!"
"Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every
nerve of my body, Sir Joseph."
"We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr.
Goldencalf, else both you and I, men warm enough
and substantial enough at present, will be in the
ditch. Do vou not see that we are in actual dan
ger of a division of property?"
" God forbid!"




56              THE. MONIKIlS.
" Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger i"
Here, Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by
the hand, and withdrew. I find, by a memorandum among the papers of my deceased ancestor,
that he paid the broker of Sir Joseph, that day
month, sixty-two thousand seven hundred and
twelve pounds of difference, (as bull and bear,)
owing to the fact of the knight having got some
secret information through a clerk in one of the
offices; an advantage that enabled him, in this instance, at least, to make a better bargain than one
who was generally allowed to be among the
shrewdest calculators on'Change.
My mind was of a nature to be considerably
exercised,(as the pious purists express it,)by becoming the depository of sentiments so diametrically
opposed to each other, as those of Dr. Etherington
and those of Sir Joseph Job. On the one side, I
was taught the degradation of birth; on the other,
the dangers of property. Anna was usually my
confidant, but on this subject I was tongue-tied,
for I dared not confess that I had overheard the
discourse with her father, and I was compelled to
digest the contradictory doctrines by myself, in the
best manner I could.
CHAPTER IV.
Showing the ups and downs, the hopes and fears, and the
vagaries of love, some views of death, and an account of
an inheritance.
FROM my twentieth to my twenty-third year,
no event occurred of any great moment. The
day I became of age, my father settled on me
a regular allowance of a thousand a year, and I




THE MONIKINS.            57
make no doubt I should have spent my time much
as other young men, had it not been for the peculiarity of my birth, which I now began to see was
wanting in a few of the requisites to carry me
successfully through a struggle for place, with a
certain portion of what is called the great world.
While most were anxious to trace themselves into
obscurity, there was a singular reluctance to effecting the object as clearly and as distinctly as
it was in my power to do. From all which, as
well as from much other testimony, I have been
led to infer, that the doses of mistification which
appear to be necessary to the happiness of the human race, require to be mixed with an experienced
and a delicate hand. Our organs, both physically
and morally, are so fearfully constituted, that they
require to be protected from realities. As the physical eye has need of clouded glass, to look steadily
at the sun, so it would seem the mind's eye has also
need of something smoky, to look steadily at truth.
But, while I avoided laying open the secret of my
heart to Anna, I sought various opportunities to
converse with Dr. Etherington and my father, on
those points which gave me the most concern.
From the first, I heard principles which went to
show that society was of necessity divided into
orders; that it was not only impolitic, but wicked,
to weaken the barriers by which they were separated; that Heaven had its seraphs and cherubs,
its archangels and angels, its saints and its merely
happy, and that, by obvious induction, this world
ought to have its kings, lords, and commons. The
usual winding up of all the Doctor's essays, was a
lamentation on the confusion in classes that was
visiting England as a judgment. My ancestor, on
the other hand, cared little for social classification,
or for any other conservatory expedient but force.




58              THE MONIKINS.
On this topic he would talk all day, regiments and
bayonets glittering in every sentence. When most
eloquent on this theme, he would cry, (like Mr.
Manners Sutton,) " ORDER-order!" nor can I
recall a single disquisition that did not end with,
"Alas, Jack, property is in danger!"
I shall not sav that my mind entirely escaped
confusion among these conflicting opinions, although I luckily got a glimpse of one important
truth, for both the commentators cordially agreed
in fearing and, of necessity, in hating the mass of
their fellow-creatures. My own natural disposi.
tion was inclining to philanthropy, and, as I was
unwilling to admit the truth of theories that arrayed me in open hostility against so large a portion
of mankind, I soon determined to set up one of my
own, which, while it avoided the faults, should
include the excellencies, of both the others. It was,
of course, no great affair merely to form such a
resolution; but I shall have occasion to say a word
hereafter, on the manner in which I attempted to
carry it out in practice.
Time moved on, and Anna became each day
more beautiful. I thought that she had lost some
of her frankness and girlish gaiety, it is true, after
the dialogue with her father; but this I attributed
to the reserve and discretion that became the
expanding reason and greater feeling of propriety
that adorn young womanhood. With me she was
always ingenuous and simple, and were I to live
a thousand years, the angelic serenity of countenance with which she invariably listened to the
theories of my busy brain, would not be erased
from recollection.
We were talking of these things one morning
quite alone. Anna heard me when I was most
sedate with manifest pleasure, and she smiled




THE MONIKINS,            59
mournfully when the thread of my argument was
entangled by a vagary of the imagination. I felt
at my heart's core what a blessing such a Mentor
would be, and how fortunate would be my lot
could I succeed in securing her for life. Still I
did not —could not summon courage to lay bare
my inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon that, in
these moments of transient humility, I feared I
never should be worthy to possess.
"I have even thought of marrying," I continued, so occupied with my own theories as not
to weigh, with the accuracy that becomes the
frankness and superior advantages which man
possesses over the gentler sex, the full import of
my words —" could I find one, Anna, as gentle,
as good, as beautiful, and as wise as yourself, who
would consent to be mine, I should not wait a
minute; but, unhappily, I fear this is not likely to
be my blessed lot. I am not the grandson of a
Baronet, and your father expects to unite you with
one who can at least show that the "bloody hand"
has once been borne on his shield; and, on the
other side, my father talks of nothing but millions."
During the first part of this speech, the amiable
girl looked kindly up at me, and with a seeming desire to soothe me; but at its close, her eyes dropped
upon her work, and she remained silent. "Your
father says that every man who has an interest in
the state should give it pledges,"-here Anna
smiled, but so covertly, that her sweet mouth
scarce betrayed the impulse —" and that none
others can ever control it to advantage. I have
thought of asking my father to buy a borough and
a baronetcy, for with the first, and the influence
that his money gives, he need not long wish for
Lhe last; but I never open my lips on any matter
of the sort, that he does not answer-' Fol lol der




60             THE MONIKINS.
rol, Jack, with your knighthoods and social order
and bishoprics and boroughs-property is in dan,
ger! —loans and regiments, if thou wilt, —give us
more order —' ORDER —order'- bayonets are
what we want, boy, and good wholesome taxes.
to accustom the nation to contribute to its own
wants, and to maintain its credit. Why, youngster,
if the interest on the debt were to remain unpaid
twenty-four hours, your body corporate, as you
call it, would die a natural death; and what would
then become of your knights-barro-knights-and
barren enough some of them are getting to be, by
their wastefulness and extravagance. Get thee
married, Jack, and settle prudently. There is
neighbor Silverpenny has an only daughter of a
suitable age; and a good hussy is she, in the bargain. The only daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will
ne a suitable wife for the only son of Thomas Goldencalf; though I give thee notice, boy, that thou
wilt be cut off with a competency; so keep thy head
clear of extravagant castle-building, learn economy in season, and, above all, make no debts.'"
Anna laughed as I humorously imitated the wellknown intonations of Mr. Speaker Sutton, but a
cloud darkened her bright features when I concluded.
"Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your
father," I resumed, "and he thought with me, that
the idea of the borough and the baronetcy was a
good one.' You would be the second of your line,
Jack,' he said,' and that is always better than
being the first; fouthere is no security for a man's
being a good member of society, like that of his
having presented to his eyes the examples of those
who have gone before him, and who have been
distinguished by their services, or their virtues. If
your father would consent to come into parliament




THE MONIKINS.            61
and sustain government at this critical moment
his origin would be overlooked, and you would
have pride in looking back on his acts. As it is, I
fear his whole soul is occupied with the unworthy
and debasing passion of mere gain. Money is a
necessary auxiliary to rank, and without rank
there can be no order, and without order no liberty; but when the love of money gets to occupy
the place of respect for descent and past actions,
a community loses the very sentiment on which
all its noble exploits are bottomed.' So, you see,
dear Anna, that our parents hold very different
opinions on a very grave question, and between
natural affection and acquired veneration, I scarcely know which to receive. If I could find one,
sweet, and wise, and beautiful as thou, and who
could pity me, I would marry to-morrow, and cast
all the future on the happiness that is to be found
with such a companion."
As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she
did not, however, view matrimony with exactly
the same eyes as myself, was clearly proved the
very next day, for young Sir Harry Griffin (the
father was dead) offered in form, and was very
decidedly refused.
Although I was always happy at the rectory, I
could not help feeling, rather than seeing, that, as
the French express it, I occupied a false position
in society. Known to be the expectant of great
wealth, it was not easy to be overlooked altogether
in a country whose government is based on a
representation of property, and in which boroughs
are openly in market; and vet they who had obtained the accidental advantage of having their
fortunes made by their grandfathers, were constantly convincing me that mine, vast as it was
thought to be, was made by my father. Ten thou6




62              THE MONIKINS.
sand times did I wish (as it has since been express,
ed by the great captain of the age,) that I had been
my own grandson; for, notwithstanding the pro.
bability that he who is nearest to the founder of
a fortune, is the most likely to share the largest
in its accumulations, as he who is nearest in descent to the progenitor who has illustrated his race,
is the most likely to feel the influence of his character, I was not long in perceiving that in highly
refined and intellectual communities, the public
sentiment, as it is connected with the respect
and influence that are the meed of both, directly refutes the inferences of all reasonable conjectures on the subject. I was out of my place,
uneasy, ashamed, proud, and resentful; —in short,
I occupied a false position,-and, unluckily, one
from which I saw no plausible retreat, except by
falling back on Lombard Street, or by cutting my
throat. Anna, alone, —kind, gentle, serene-eyed
Anna, entered into all my joys, sympathized in my
mortifications, and appeared to view me as I was;
neither dazzled by my wealth, nor repelled by my
origin. The day she refused young Sir Harry Griffin, I could have kneeled at her feet, and called her
blessed!
It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited
by its study. I was a living proof of the truth
of the opinion, that brooding over one's wrongs or
infirmities seldom does much more than aggravate
the evil. I greatly fear it is in the nature of man
to depreciate the advantages he actually enjoys,
and to exaggerate those which are denied him.
Fifty times, during the six months that succeeded
the repulse of the young baronet, did I resolve to
take heart, and to throw myself at the feet of
Anna, and as often was I deterred by the apprelhesion that I had nothing to render me worthy




THE MONHUNS.              63
of one so excellent, and especially of one who was
the granddaughter of the seventh English baronet.
I do not pretend to explain the connexion between
cause and effect, for I am neither physician nor
metaphysician; but the tumult of spirits that resulted from so many doubts, hopes, fears, resolutions and breakings of resolutions, began to affect
my health, and I was just about to yield to the
advice of my friends (among whom Anna was the
most earnest and the most sorrowful,) to travel,.
when an unexpected call to attend the death-bed.
of my ancestor was received. I tore myself from
the rectory, and hurried up to town, with the diligence and assiduity of an only son and heir, summoned on an occasion so solemn.
I found my ancestor still in the possession of his
senses, though given over by the physicians; a circumstance that proved a degree of disinterestedness and singleness of purpose on their part, that
was scarcely to be expected towards a patient who
it was commonly believed was worth more than a
million. My reception by the servants, and by the
two or three friends who had assembled on this
melancholy occasion, too, was sympathizing, warm,
and of a character to show their solicitude and
forethought.
My reception by the sick man was less marked.
The total abstraction of his faculties in the one
great pursuit of his life; a certain sternness of pur.
pose, which is apt to get the ascendant with those
who are resolute to gain, and which usually communicates itself to the manners; and an absence
of those kinder ties that are developed by the ex.
ercise of the more familiar charities of our existence, had opened a breach between us, that was
not to be filled by the simple unaided fact of natural affinity I say of natural affinity, for, notwith



64             THE MONIKINS.
standing the doubts that cast their shadows on that
branch of my genealogical tree by which I was
connected with my maternal' grandfather, the title
of the King to his crown is not more apparent,
than was my direct lineal descent from my father.
I always believed him to be my ancestor de jure,
as well as de facto, and could fain have loved him
and honoured him as such, had my natural yearnings been met with more lively bowels of sympathy
on his side.
Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrangement that had thus existed between the father and
son, the meeting, on the present occasion, however,
was not entirely without some manifestations of
feeling.
" Thou art come at last, Jack," said my ancestor. "I was afraid, boy, thou might'st be too late."
The difficult breathing, haggard countenance,
and broken utterance of my father, struck me with
awe. This was the first death-bed by which I had
ever stood; and the admonishing picture of time
passing into eternity, was indelibly stamped on my
memory. It was not only a death-bed scene, but
it was a family death-bed scene. I know not how
it was, but I thought my ancestor looked more like
the Goldencalfs than I had ever seen him look before.
" Thou hast come at last, Jack," he repeated, "and
I'm glad of it. Thou art the only being in whom
I have now any concern. It might have been better, perhaps, had I lived more with my kind —
but thou wilt be the gainer. Ah! Jack, we are but
miserable mortals, after all! —To be called away
so suddenly, and so young!"
My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birth-day;
but, unhappily, he had not settled all his accounts
with the world, although he had given the physi.




THE MONIKINS.             65
eian his last fee, and sent the parson away with a
donation to the poor of the parish, that would make
even a beggar merry for a whole life.
"Thou art come at last, Jack!-Well, my loss
will be thy gain, boy! Send the nurse from the
room."
I did as commanded, and we were left to ourselves.
"Take this key," handing me one from beneath
his pillow, " and open the upper draw of my secretary. Bring me the packet which is addressed to
thyself."
I silently obeyed; when my ancestor, first gazing
at it with a sadness that I cannot well describe —
for it was neither worldly, nor quite of an ethereal
character, but a singular and fearful compound
of both,-put'the papers into my hand, relinquishing his hold slowly and with reluctance.
" Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?"
A tear burst from out its source, and fell upon
the emaciated hand of my father. He looked at
me wistfully, and I felt a slight pressure that denoted affection.
"It might have been better, Jack, had we known
more of each other. But Providence made me
fatherless, and I have lived childless by my own
Folly. Thy mother was a saint, I believe; but I
fear I learned it too late. Well, a blessing often
comes at the eleventh hour!"
As my ancestor now manifested a desire not to
be disturbed, I called the nurse, and quitted the
room, retiring to my own modest chamber, where
the packet, a large bundle of papers sealed and
directed to myself in the handwriting of the dying
man, was carefully secured under a good lock. I
did not meet my father again, but once, under circumstances which admitted of intelligible com6#




66              THE MONIKINS.
munmon. From the time of our first interview he
gradually grew worse, his reason tottered, and,
like the sinful cardinal of Shakspeare, "he died
and gave no sign."
Three days after my arrival, however, I was left
alone with him, and he suddenly revived from a
state approaching to stupor. It was the only time,
since the first interview, in which he had seemed
even to know me.
" Thou art come at last!'" he said, in a tone that
was already sepulchral —" Canst tell me, boy, why
they had golden rods to measure the city?"-his
nurse had been reading to him a chapter of the
Revelations, which had been selected by himself-," Thou seest, lad, the wall itself was of jasper, and
the city was of pure gold-I shall not need money
in my new habitation-ha! it will not be wanted
there!-I am not crazed, Jack-would I had loved
gold less and my kind more. —The city itself is
of pure gold, and the walls of jasper-precious
abode! —ha! Jack, thou hearest, boy-I am happy
-too happy, Jack!-gold —gold i"
The final words were uttered with a shout.
They were the last that ever came from the lips of
Thomas Goldencalf. The noise brought in the attendants, who found him dead. I ordered the room
to be cleared, as soon as the melancholy truth was
fairly established, and remained several minutes
alone with the body. The countenance was set in
death. The eyes, still open, had that revolting
glare of frenzied delight with which the spirit had
departed, and the whole face presented the dread
picture of a hopeless end. I knelt, and, though a
Protestant, prayed fervently for the soul of the
deceased. I then took my leave of the first and
the last of all my ancestors.
To this scene succeeded the usual period of out.




THE MONIKINS.             67
ward sorrow, the interment, and the betrayal of
the expectations of the survivors. I observed that
the house was much frequented by many who
rarely or never had crossed its threshold during
the life of its late owner. There was much cornering, much talking in an under-tone, and looking
it me, that I did not understand, and gradually
the number of regular visiters increased, until it
amounted to about twenty. Among them were
the parson of the parish, the trustees of several
notorious charities, three attorneys, four or five
well-known dealers of the stock-exchange, foremost among whom was Sir Joseph Job, and three
of the professionally benevolent, or of those whose
sole occupation appears to be that of quickening
the latent charities of their neighbors.
The day after my ancestor was finally removed
from our sight, the house was more than usually
crowded. The secret conferences increased both
in earnestness and in frequency, and finally I was
summoned to meet these ill-timed guests in the
room which had been the sanctum sanctorum of
the late owner of the dwelling. As I entered
among twenty strange faces, wondering why I,
who had hitherto passed through life so little
heeded, should be so unseasonably importuned, Sir
Joseph Job presented himself as the spokesman
of the party.
"We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf," the
knight commenced, decently wiping his eyes, "because we think that respect for our late muchesteemed, most excellent, and very respectable
friend requires that we no longer neglect his final
pleasure, but that we should at once proceed to
open his will, in order that we may take prompt
measures for its execution. It would have been
more regular had we done this before he was in,




68             THE MONIKINS.
terred, for we cannot have foreseen his pleasure
concerning his venerable remains; but it is fully
my determination to have every thing done as he
has ordered, even though we may be compelled to
disinter the body."
I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credulous, but nature has not denied me a proper spirit.
What Sir Joseph Job, or any one but myself,
had to do with the will of my ancestor, did not
strike me at first sight; and I took care to express
as much, in terms it was not easy to misunderstand.
"' The only child, and, indeed, the only known
relative of the deceased," I said, " I do not well
see, gentlemen, how this subject should interest,
in this lively manner, so many strangers!"
"Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir," returned Sir Joseph, smiling; "but you ought to
know, young gentleman, that if there are such
things as heirs, there are also such things as executors!"
This I did know already, and I had also somewhere imbibed an opinion that the latter was commonly the most lucrative situation.
"Have you any reason to suppose, Sir Joseph
Job, that my late father has selected you to fulfil
this trust?"
" That will be better known in the end, young
gentleman. Your late father is known to have
died rich; very rich-not that he has left as much
by half a million as vulgar report will have itbut what I should term comfortably off; and it is
unreasonable to suppose that a man of his great
caution and prudence should suffer his money to
go to the heir-at-law, that heir being a youth only
in his twenty-third year, ignorant of business, not
over-gifted with experience, and having the pro-.




THE MONIKINS.             69
pensities of all of his years in this Ill-behaving
and extravagant age, without certain trusts and
provisions, which will leave his hard earnings, for
some time to come, under the care of men who,
like himself, know the full value of money."
"No, never!-'tis quite impossible-'tis more
than impossible!" exclaimed the by-standers, all
shaking their heads.
" And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with
most of the substantial names on'Change, and
particularly with Sir Joseph Job!" added another.
Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked
his chin, and stood waiting for my reply.
"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph," I said,
ironically; " but it matters not. If there is a will,
it is as much my interest to know it as it can possibly be yours; and I am quite willing that a search
be made on the spot."
Sir Joseph looked daggers at me; but, being a
man of business, he took me at my word, and, receiving the keys I offered, a proper person was
immediately set to work to open the drawers. The
search was continued for four'hours without success. Every private drawer was rummaged, every
paper opened, and many a curious glance was cast
at the contents of the latter, in order to get some
clue to the probable amount of the assets of the
deceased. Consternation and uneasiness very evidently increased among most of the spectators, as
the fruitless examination proceeded; and when the
notary ended, declaring that no will was to be
found, nor any evidence of credits, every eye was
fastened on me, as if I were suspected of stealing
that which, in the order of nature, was likely to be
my own without the necessity of crime.
"' There must be a secret repository of papers
somewhere," said Sir Joseph Job, as if he sus



70              THE MONIKINS.
pected more than he wished just then to express" Mr. Goldencalf is largely a creditor on the public books, and yet here is not so much as scrip for
a pound!"
I left the room, and soon returned, bringing with
me the bundle that had been committed to me by
my father.
" Here, gentlemen," I said, "is a large packet of
papers that were given to me by the deceased, on
his death-bed, with his own hands. It is, as you
see, sealed with his seal, and especially addressed
to me, in his own hand-writing, and it is not violent to suppose that the contents concern me only.
Still, as you take so great an interest in the affairs
of the deceased, it shall now be opened, and those
contents, so far as you can have any right to know
them, shall not be hid from you."
I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw
the packet, and had examined the hand-writing of
the envelope. All, however, expressed their satisfaction that the search was now most probably
ended. I broke the seals, and exposed the contents
of the envelope. Within it,there were several smaller
packets, each sealed with the seal of the deceased,
and each addressed to me, in his own hand-writing,
like the external covering. Each of these smaller
packets, too, had a separate endorsement of its contents. Taking them as they lay, I read aloud the
nature of each, before I proceeded to the next
They were also numbered.
c" No. 1."-I commenced-" Certificates of public stock held by Tho: Goldencalf;, June 12th, 1815."
We were now at June 29th, of the same year. As
I laid aside this packet, I observed that the sum
endorsed on its back greatly exceeded a million,
"No 2. Certificates of Bank of England stock.'
This sum was several hundred thousands of pounds




THE MONIKINS.              71
" No. 3. South Sea Annuities." Nearly three hundred thousand pounds. "No. 4. Bonds and mortgages." Four hundred and thirty thousand pounds.
"No. 5. The Bond of Sir Joseph Job, for sixtythree thousand pounds."
I laid down the paper, and involuntarily exclaimed, "Property is in danger!" Sir Joseph turned
pale, but he beckoned to me to proceed, saying,"We shall soon come to the will, sir."
" No. 6. -" I hesitated; for it was an assignment to myself, which, from its very nature, I perceived was an abortive attempt to escape the payment of the legacy duty.
"Well, sir, No. 6.?" inquired Sir Joseph, with
tremulous exultation.
"Is an instrument affecting myself, and with
which you have no concern, sir."
" We shall see, sir-we shall see, sir-if you refuse to exhibit the paper, there are laws to compel
" To do what, Sir Joseph Job?-To exhibit to
my father's debtors, papers that are exclusively
addressed to me, and which can affect me only? —
But here is the paper, gentlemen, that you so much
desire to see.'No. 7. The Last Will and Testament of Tho: Goldencalf, dated June 17th, 1816."'
(He died June the 24th, of the same year.)
"Ah! the precious instrument!" exclaimed Sir
Joseph Job, eagerly extending his hand, as if expecting to receive the will.
" This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen," I said,
holding it up in a manner that all present might see
it, " is especially addressed to myself, and it shal.
not quit my hands until I learn that some other has
a better right to it."
I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals,
for I had seen but little of r.ny father, and I knew




72              THE MONIKINS.
that he had been a man of very peculiar opinions
as well as habits. The will was all in his own hand
writing, and it was very short. Summoning cou
rage, I read it aloud, in the following words:" In the name of God, —Amen: I, Tho: Golden.
calf, of the parish of Bow, in the city of London,
do publish and declare this instrument to be my
last Will and Testament:"That is to say; I bequeath to my only child and
much beloved son, John Goldencalf, all my real
estate in the parish of Bow, and city of London,
aforesaid, to be held in fee-simple, by him, his heirs,
and assigns, for ever.
"I bequeath to my said only child and much beloved son, John Goldencalf, all my personal property, of every sort and description whatever, of which
I may die possessed, including bonds and mortgages, public debt, bank stock, notes of hand, goods
and chattels, and all others of my effects, to him,
his heirs, or assigns.
" I nominate and appoint my said much beloved
son, John Goldencalf, to be the sole executor of
this my last will and testament, counselling him not
to confide in any of those who may profess to have
been my friends; and particularly to turn a deaf
ear to all the pretensions and solicitations of Sir
Joseph Job, Knight. In witness whereof," &c. &c.
The will was duly executed, and it was witnessed by the nurse, his confidential clerk, and the
house-maid.
" Property is in danger, Sir Joseph!" I dryly re.
marked, as I gathered together the papers, in order
to secure them.
" This will may be set aside, gentlemen!" criea
the Knight, in a fury. "It contains a libel!"
" And for whose benefit, Sir Joseph t" I quietly




THE: MONIKINS.             73
inquired. "With or without the will, my title to
my father's assets would seem to be equally valid.'
This was so evidently true, that the more pru.
dent retired in silence; and even Sir Joseph, after
a short delay, during which he appeared to be
strangely agitated, withdrew. The next week, his
failure was announced, in consequence of some
extravagant risks on'Change, and eventually I received but three shillings and four-pence in the
pound, for my bond of sixty-three thousand.
When the money was paid, I could not help exclaiming, mentally, "Property is in danger!"
The following morning, Sir Joseph Job balanced
his account with the world, by cutting his throat.
CHAPTER V.
About the social-stake system, the dangers of concentration,
and other moral and immoral curiosities.
THE affairs of my father were almost as easy of
settlement as those of a pauper. In twenty-four
hours I was completely master of them, and found
myself, if not the very richest, certainly one of the
richest subjects of Europe. I say subjects, for
sovereigns frequently have a way of appropriating
the effects of others, that would render a pretension to rivalry ridiculous. Debts there were none;
and if there had been, ready money was not wanting: the balance in cash in my favor at the bank
amounted of itself to a fortune.
The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly
happy. Without a solitary claim on either my
time or my estate, I was in the enjoyment of an
income that materially exceeded the revenues of
7




74              THE MONIKINS.
many reigning princes. I had not an expensive nor
a vicious habit of any sort. Of houses, horses,
hounds, packs, and menials, there were none to vex
or perplex me. In every particular save one, I was
completely my own master. That one was the
near, dear, cherished sentiment that rendered Anna
in my eyes an angel, (and truly she was little
short of it in those of other people,) and made her
the polar star to which every wish pointed. How
gladly would I have paid half a million, just then,
to be the grandson of a baronet, with precedency
from the seventeenth century!
There was, however, another and a present
cause for uneasiness, that gave me even more concern than the fact that my family reached the dark
ages with so much embarrassing facility. In witnessing the dying agony of my ancestor, I had
got a dread lesson on the vanity, the hopeless
character, the dangers and the delusions of wealth,
that time can never eradicate. The history of its
accumulation was ever present to mar the pleasure
of its possession. I do not mean that I suspected
what, by the world's convention, is deemed dishonesty-of that there had been no necessity —but
simply that the heartless and estranged existence,
the waste of energies, the blunted charities, and
the isolated and distrustful habits of my father,
appeared to me to be but poorly requited by the
joyless ownership of his millions. I would have
given largely to be directed in such a way as,
while escaping the wastefulness of the shoals of
Scylla, I might in my own case steer clear of thc
miserly rocks of Charybdis.
When I drove from between the smoky lines of
the London houses, into the green fields, and amid
the blossoming hedges, this earth looked beautiful,
and as if it were made to be loved. I saw in it




THE MONIKINS,             75
the workmanship of a divine and a beneficent
Creator, and it was not difficult to persuade myself that he who dwelt in the confusion of a town,
in order to transfer gold from the pocket of his
neighbor to his own, had mistaken the objects
of his being. My poor ancestor, who had.never
quitted London, stood before me with his dying
regrets; and my first resolution was, to live in
open communion with my kind.  So intense,
indeed, did my anxiety to execute this:purpose
become, that it might have led even to frenzy, had:not a fortunate circumstance interposed to save
me from so dire a calamity.
The coach in which I had taken passage, (for I
purposely avoided the parade and trouble of a
post-chaise and servants,) passed through a market town of known loyalty, on the eve of a contested election. This appeal to the intelligence
and patriotism of the constituency, had occurred
in consequence of the late incumbent having taken
office. The new minister, for he was:a member
of the cabinet, had just ended his canvass, and he
was about to address his fellow-subjects, from a
window of the tavern in which he lodged. Fatigued, but ready to seek mental relief by any
means, I threw myself from the coach, secured a
room, and made one of the multitude.
The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony, surrounded by his principal friends, among
whom it was delightful to see Earls, Lords John,
Baronets, dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of
influence in the borough, and even a mechanic or
two, all squeezed together in the agreeable amalgamation of political affinity.' Here then,' thought
I,'is an example of the heavenly cnarities! The
candidate, himself the son and heir of a peer, feels
that he is truly of the same flesh and blood as his




76              THE MONIKINS.
constituents;-how amiably he smiles i —how bland
are his manners!-and with what cordiality does
he shake hands with the greasiest and the worst!
There must be a corrective to human pride, a
stimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of
benevolence in this part of our excellent system,
and I will look farther into it.'   The candidate
appeared, and his harangue commenced.
Memory would fail me, were I to attempt recording the precise language of the orator, but his
opinions and precepts are so deeply graven on my
recollection, that [ do not fear misrepresenting
them. He commenced with a very proper and an
eloquent eulogium on the constitution, which he
fearlessly pronounced to be, in its way, the very
perfection of human reason; in proof of which
he adduced the well-ascertained fact, that it had
always been known, throughout the vicissitudes and
trials of so many centuries, to accommodate itself
to circumstances, abhorring change. "Yes, my
friends," he exclaimed, in a burst of patriotic and
constitutional fervor-" whether under the roses,
or the lilies-the Tudors, the Stuarts, or the illustrious house of Brunswick, this glorious structure
has resisted the storms of faction, has been able to
receive under its sheltering roof the most opposite
elements of domestic strife, affording protection,
warmth, ay, and food and raiment"-(here the orator happily laid his hand on the shoulder of a
butcher, who wore a frieze over-coat that made
him look not unlike a stall-fed beast)-" yes, food
and raiment, victuals and drink, to the meanest
subject in the realm. Nor is this all; it is a constitution peculiarly English: and who is there so
base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to his fathers,
to his descendants, as to turn his back on a con.
stitution that is thoroughly and inherently Eng.




THE MONIMNS.             77
fish-a constitution that he has inherited from his
ancestors, and which, by every obligation, both
human and divine, he is bound to transmit unchanged to posterity;"-here the orator, who continued to speak, however, was deafened by shouts
of applause, and that part of the subject might
very fairly be considered as definitively settled6
From the constitution as a whole, the candidate
next proceeded to extol the particular feature of
it, that was known as the borough of Householder.
According to his account of this portion of the
government, its dwellers were animated by the
noblest spirit of independence, the most rooted determination to uphold the ministry, of which he
was the least worthy member, and were distinguished by what, in an ecstasy of political eloquence, he happily termed the most freeborn
understanding of its rights and privileges. This
loyal and judicious borough had never been known
to waste its favors on those who had not a stake
in the community. It understood that fundamental
principle of good government, which lays down
the axiom, that none were to be trusted but those
who had a visible and an extended interest in the
country; for without these pledges of honesty and
independence, what had the elector to expect but
bribery and corruption-a traffic in his dearest
rights, and a bargaining that might destroy the
glorious institutions under which he dwelt. This
part of the harangue was listened to in respectful
silence, and shortly after the orator concluded;when the electors dispersed with, no doubt, a better opinion of themselves and the constitution,
than it had probably been their good fortune to
entertain since the previous election.
Accident placed me, at dinner, (the house being
crowded,) at the same table with an attorney who
7*




78             THE MONSKINS.
had been very active the whole morning, among
the householders, and who, I soon learned from
himself, was the especial agent of the owner of
the independent borough in question. He told me
that he had come down with the expectation of
disposing of the whole property to Lord Pledge,
the ministerial candidate named; but the means
had not been forthcoming, as he had been led to
hope, and the bargain was unluckily off, at the
very moment when it was of the utmost importance to know to whom the independent electors
rightfully belonged.
" His Lordship, however," continued the attorney, winking, "has done what is handsome; and
there can be no more doubt of his election, than
there would be of yours, did you happen to own
the borough."
"And is the property now open for sale?" I
asked.
" Certainly-my principal can hold out no longer. The price is settled, and I have his power of
attorney to make the preliminary bargain.'Tis
a thousand pities that the public mind should be.
left in this undecided state on the eve of an election."
" Then, sir, I will be the purchaser."
My companion looked at me with astonishment
and doubt. He had transacted too much business
of this nature, however, not to feel his way before he was either off or on.
"The price of the estate is three hundred and
twenty-five thousand pounds, sir, and the rental
is only six!"
"Be it so. My name is Goldencalf: by accompanying me to town, you shall receive the money."
" Goldencalf! —What, sir, the only son and heir
of the late Thomas Goldencalf, of Cheapside?"




THIE MONIKINS.             79
"The same. My father has not been dead a
month."
"Pardon me, sir-convince me of your identity
-we must be particular in matters of this sort —
and you shall have possession of the property in
season to secure your own election, or that of any
of your friends. I will return Lord Pledge his
small advances, and another time he will know
better than to fail of keeping his promises. What
is a borough good for, if a nobleman's word is not
sacred? You will find the electors, in particular,
every way worthy of your favor. They are as
frank, loyal, and straight-forward a constituency,
as any in England. No skulking behind the ballot
for them!-and, in all respects, they are fearless
Englishmen, who will do what they say, and say
whatever their landlord shall please to require of
them."
As I had sundry letters and other documents
about me, nothing was easier than to convince the
attorney of my identity. He called for pen and
ink; drew out of his pocket the contract that had
been prepared for Lord Pledge; gave it to me to
read; filled the blanks; and affixing his name, called the waiters as witnesses, and presented me the
paper with a promptitude and respect that I found
really delightful. So much, thought I, for having
given pledges to society by the purchase of a borough. I drew on my bankers for three hundred
and twenty-five thousand pounds, and arose from
table, virtually, the owner of the estate of Householder, and of the political consciences of its tenantry.
A fact so important could not long be unknown;
and in a few minutes all eyes in the coffee-room
were upon me. The landlord presented himself,
and begged I would do him the honor to take pos.




80               THE XONIKINS.
session of his family parlour, there being no other
at his disposal. I was hardly installed, before a
servant in a handsome livery presented the following note: —
Dear Mr. GOLDENCALF,
I have this moment heard of your being in town, and
am exceedingly rejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with
your late excellent and most loyal father, justifies my claim
ing you for a friend, and I waive all ceremony, (official, of
course, is meant, there being no reason for any other between us,) and beg to be admitted for half an hour.
Dear Mr. Goldencalf,
Your's, very faithfully and sincerely,
PLEDGE....-   GOLDENCALF, Esquire.
Monday evening.
I begged that the noble visiter might not be madc
to wait a moment. Lord Pledge met me like an
old and an intimate friend. He made a hundred
handsome inquiries after my dead ancestor; spoke
feelingly of his regret at not having been summoned to attend his death-bed; and then very ingenuously and warmly congratulated me on my succession to so large a property.
" I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my
dear sir. —I could not make it convenient, just at
this particular moment, to conclude my own arrangement,-but it is a good thing. Three hundred and twenty thousand, I suppose, as was mentioned between me and the other party?"
"Three hundred and twenty-five thousand, Lord
Pledge."
I perceived by the countenance of the noble can
didate, that I had paid the odd five thousand as a
fine,-a circumstance which accounted for the




THE MONIKINS.             81
promptitude of the attorney in the transaction, he
most probably pocketing the difference himself.
"You mean to sit, of course?"
"I do, my Lord, as one of the members, at the
next general election; but at present, I shall be
most happy to aid your return."
"My dear Mr. Goldencalf-  "
"Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord
Pledge, the noble sentiments I heard you express
this morning, were so very proper, so exceedingly
statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feel infinitely more satisfaction in knowing that you fill
the vacant seat, than if it were in my own possession."
( I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and
only wish to God, there was more of it in the world.
But you can count on our friendship, sir. What
you have just remarked, is true-very true-only
too true-true to a hair-a-a-a I mean, my dear
Mr. Goldencalf, most especially those sentiments
of mine which-a-a-a-I say it, before God, without vanity —but which, as you have so very ably
intimated, are so truly proper and English."
"I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should
not have said it. I am peculiarly situated, myself.
With an immense fortune, without rank, name, or
connexions, nothing is easier than for one of my
years to be led astray; and it is my ardent desire
to hit upon some expedient that may connect me
properly with society."
"Marry, my dear young friend-select a wife
from among the fair and virtuous of this happy
isle-unluckily I can propose nothing in this way
myself-for both my own sisters are disposed of."
"I have made my choice, already, I thank you
a thousand times, my dear Lord Pledge; although
I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There




82              THE MONIKINS.
are objections,-if I were only the child, now, of a
baronet's second son, or   -"
" Become a baronet yourself," once more inter.
rupted my noble friend, with an evident relief from
suspense; for I verily believe he thought I was
about to ask for something better. "Your affair
shall be arranged by the end of the week —ana If
there is any thing else I can do for you, I beg you
to name it without reserve."
"If I could hear a few more of those remarkable sentiments of yours, concerning the stake we
should all have in society, I think it would relieve
my mind."
My companion looked at me a moment, with a
very awkward sort of intensity, drew his hand
across his brows, reflected, and then obligingly
complied.
" You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a few certainly very just, but very ill-arranged ideas. That a man, without a proper stake
in society, is little better than the beast of the fields,
I hold to be so obvious, that it is unnecessary to
dwell on the point. Reason as you will, forward
or backward, you arrive at the same result,-he
that hath nothing, is usually treated by mankind
little better than a dog, and he that is little better
than a dog, usually has nothing.-Again,-What
distinguishes the savage from the civilized man? —
why, civilization, to be sure.-rNow, what is civilization?-the arts of life.-What feeds, nourishes,
sustains the arts of life?-mmoney, or property. By
consequence, civilization is property, and property
is civilization. If the control of a country is in the
hands of those who possess the property, the government is a civilized government; but, on the
other hand, if it is in the hands of those who have
no property, the government is necessarily an uno




THE MONIKINS.              83
civilized government. It is quite impossible that
any one should become a safe statesman, who does
not possess a direct property interest in society.
You know there is not a tyro of our political sect
who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom."
"Mr. Pitt?"
"Why, Pitt was certainly an exception, in one
way; but then, you will recollect, he was the immediate representative of the tories, who own most
of the property of England."
"Mr. Fox?"
"Fox represented the whigs, who own all the
rest, you know. No, my dear Goldencalf, reason
as you will, we shall always arrive at the same
results.-You will, of course, as you have just said,
take one of the seats yourself, at the next general
election?"
" I shall be too proud of being your colleague, to
hesitate."
This speech sealed our friendship; for it was a
pledge to my noble acquaintance of his future connexion with the borough. He was much too highbred to express his thanks in vulgar phrases, (though
high-breeding rarely exhibits all its finer qualities
pending an election,) but, a man of the world, and
one of a class whose main business it is to put the
suaviter in modo, as the French have it, en evidence,
the reader may be sure that when we parted that
night, I was in perfect good humor with myself,
and, as a matter of course, with my new acquaintance.
The next day the canvass was renewed, and we
had another convincing speech on the subject of
the virtue of " a stake in society;" for Lord Pledge
was tactician enough to attack the citadel, once
assured of its weak point, rather than expend his
efforts on the out-works of the place. That night




84              THE MONIKINS.
the attorney arrived from town with the title-deeds
all properly executed, (they had been some time
in preparation for Lord Pledge,) and the following
morning early, the tenants were served with the
usual notices, with a handsomely expressed sentiment, on my part, in favor of "a stake in society."
About noon, Lord Pledge walked over the course,
as it is expressed at New-Market and Doncaster.
After dinner we separated, my noble friend return
ing to town, while I pursued my way to the Rec
tory.
Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene,
more elevated above mortality, than when we met,
a week after I had quitted Householder, in the
breakfast-parlor of her father's abode.
" You are beginning to look like yourself again,
Jack," she said, extending her hand, with the simple cordiality of an Englishwoman; "and I hope
we shall find you more rational."
"' Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw
myself at your feet, and to tell you how much and
what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow in all
Enaland."
"As it is, you are the most miserable!" the
laughing girl answered, as, crimsoned to the temples, she drew away the hand I was foolishly
pressing against my heart. " Let us go to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf-my father has ridden across
the country to visit Dr. Liturgy."
"Anna," I said, after seating myself, and taking
a cup of tea from fingers that were rosy as the
morn, "I fear you are the greatest enemy that I
have on earth."
" John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl,
turning pale, and then flushing violently. "Pray
explain yourself."
"I love you to my heart's core-could marry




THE MONIKINS.             85
ou, and then, I fear, worship you, as man never
fore worshipped woman."
Anna laughed faintly.
" And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?"
she at length succeeded in saying.
"No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies-of losing a broad and safe hold of life-of
losing my proper stake in society-of-in short,
of becoming as useless to my fellows as my poor,
poor father, and of making an end as miserable!
Oh! Anna, could you have witnessed the hopelessness of that death-bed, you could never wish me
a fate like his!"
My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea
of the expression with which Anna regarded me.
Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, and anguish, were all beaming in her eyes; but the
unnatural brightness of these conflicting sentiments was tempered by a softness that resembled
the pearly lustre of an Italian sky.," If I vield to my fondness, Anna, in what will
my condition differ from that of my miserable
father's? He concentrated his feelings in the love
of money, and I-yes, I feel it here, I know it is
here —I should love you so intensely, as to shut out
every generous sentiment in favor of others. I
have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders,wealth —gold; —gold, beyond limits; and to save
my very soul, I must extend, not narrow, my interest
in my fellow-creatures. Were there a hundred
such Annas, I might press you all to my heart,but, one! no-no-'t would be misery-'t would be
perdition! The very excess of such a passion
Nould render me a heartless miser, unworthy of
the confidence of my fellow-men!"
The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed
o read my soul; and when I had done speaking,
8




86              THE MONIKINS
she arose, stole timidly to my side of the table, as
woman approaches when she feels most, placed
her velvet-like hand on my burning forehead,
pressed its throbbing pulses gently to her heart,
burst into tears, and fled.
We dined alone, nor did we meet again until
the dinner hour. The manner of Anna was soothing, gentle, even affectionate; but she carefully
avoided the subject of the morning. As for myself,
I was constantly brooding over the danger of concentrating interests, and of the excellence of the
social-stake system.
" Your spirits will be better, Jack, in a day or
two," said Anna, when we had taken wine after
the soup. "Country air, and old friends, will restore your freshness and color."
s" If there were a thousand Annas, I could be
happy, as man was never happy, before! But I
must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society."
" All of which proves my insufficiency to render
you happy. But here comes Francis, with yesterday morning's paper-let us see what society is
about, in London."
After a few moments of intense occupation with
the journal, an exclamation of pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet girl. On raising my eyes,
I saw her gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself.
"Read what you have, that seems to give you
so much pleasure."
She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice the following paragraph:" His Majesty has been most graciously pleased
to raise John Goldencalf, of Householder Hall, in
the county of Dorset, and of Cheapside, Esquire
to the dignity of a Baronet of the United King
doms of Great Britain and- Ireland."




THE MONIKINS,             87
"Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink
to your health and happiness!" cried the delighted
girl, brightening like the dawn, and wetting her
pouting lip with liquor less ruby than itself. " Here,
Francis, fill a bumper, and drink to the new
baronet."
The gray-headed butler did as ordered, with a
very good grace, and then hurried into the servants' hall, to communicate the news.
" Here: at least, Jack, is a new hold that society
has on you,. whatever liold you may have on
society."
I was pleased, because she was pleased, and
because it showed that Lord Pledge had some
sense of gratitude, (although he afterwards took
occasion to intimate that I owed the favor chiefly
to hlope,) and I believe my eyes never expressed
more fondness.
"Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward
sound, after all, dearest Anna."
"I As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly
do; but not as applied to a hundred." Anna
laughed, blushed, burst into tears once more, and
again fled.
"' What right have I to trifle with the feelings
of this single-hearted and excellent girl," said I to
myself; "it is evident that the subject distresses
her-she is unequal to its discussion, and it is
unmanly and improper in me to treat it in this
manner. I must be true to my character as a
gentleman and a man-ay, and, under presen
circumstances, as a baronet; and-I will never
speak of it again as long as I live."
The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his daughter, with the avowed intention
of travelling for a year or two. The good rector




88              THE MONIKINS.
gave me much friendly advice, flattered me with
expressions of confidence in my discretion, and,
squeezing me warmly by the hand, begged me to
recollect that I had always a home at the rectory.
When I had made my adieus to the father, I went,
with a sorrowful heart, in quest of the daughter.
iShe was still in the little breakfast parlor-that
parlor so loved! I found her pale, timid, sensitive,
bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that
heavenly quality in the dear girl; if she laughed, it
was with a restrained anid moderated joy; if she
wept, it was like rain falling from a sky that still
shone with the lustre of the sun. It was only
when feeling and nature were unutterably big
within her, that some irresistible impulse of her
sex betrayed her into emotions like those I had
twice witnessed so lately.
"You are about to leave us, Jack," she said,
holding out her hand kindly, and without the affectation of an indifference she did not feel —" you
will see many strange faces, but you will see none
who.."
I waited for the completion of the sentence, but,
although she struggled hard for self-possession, it
was never finished.
"At my age, Anna, and with my means, it
would be unbecoming to remain at home, when,
if I may so express it,' human nature is abroad.'
I go to quicken my sympathies, to open my heart
to my kind, and to avoid the cruel regrets that
tortured the death-bed of my father."
"Well -well"-interrupted the sobbing girl,
"we will talk of it no more. It is best that you
should travel; and so adieu, with a thousand —nay
millions of good wishes for your happiness and
safe return.-You will come back to us, Jack
when tired of other scenes?"




THE MONIKINS.            89
This was said with gentle earnestness, and a
sincerity so winning, that it came near upsetting
all my philosophy; but I could not marry the
whole sex, and to bind down my affections in one,
would have been giving the death-blow to the developmnent of that sublime principle on which I was
bent, and which I had already decided was to
make me worthy of my fortune, and the ornament
of my species. Had I been offered a kingdom,
however, I could not speak. I took the unresisting
girl in my arms, folded her to my heart, pressed a
burning kiss on her cheek, and withdrew.
"You will come back to us, Jack?" she half
whispered, as her hand was reluctantly drawn
through my own.
Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy
frank and gentle confidence, thy radiant beauty,
thy serene affections, and all thy womanly virtues,
in order to practise my newly discovered theory!
Long did thy presence haunt me-nay, never did
it entirely desert me-putting my constancy to a
severe proof, and threatening, at each remove, to
contract the lengthening chain that still bound me
to thee, thy fire-side, and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad upon the earth, with a
heart expanding towards all the creatures of God,
though thy image was still enshrined in its inmost
core, shining in womanly glory, pure, radiant, and
without spot, like the floating prism that forms.he lustre of the diamond.
Q *~




90              THE MONIKINS.
CHAPTER VI.
A theory of palpable sublimity-some practical ideas, and
the commencement of adventures.
THE recollection of the intense feelings of that
important period of my life has, in some measure,
disturbed the connexion of the narrative, and may
possibly have left some little obscurity, in the mind
of the reader, on the subject of the new sources
of happiness that had broken on my own intelligence. A word here, in the way of elucidation,
therefore, may not be misapplied, although it is my
purpose to refer more to my acts, and to the wonderful incidents it will shortly be my duty to lay
before the world, for a just understanding of my
views, than to mere verbal explanations.
Happiness —happiness, here and hereafter, was
my goal. I aimed at a life of useful and active
benevolence, a death-bed of hope and joy, and an
eternity of fruition. With such an object before
me, my thoughts, from the moment that I witnessed the dying regrets of my father, had been
intensely brooding over the means of attainment.
Surprising as, no doubt, it will appear to vulgar
minds, I obtained the clue to this sublime mystery,
at the late election for the borough of Householder
and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like other
important discoveries, it is very simple when
understood, being easily rendered intelligible to
the dullest capacities, as, indeed, in equity, ought
to be the case with every principle that is so inti
mately connected with the well-being of man.
It is an universally admitted truth, that happiness
is the only legitimate object of all human associations. The ruled concede a certain portion of
their natural rights for the benefits of peace, secu



THE MONIKINS.             91
rity and order, with the understanding that they
are to enjoy the remainder as their own proper
indefeasible estate. It is true, that there exist, in
different nations, some material differences of
opinion on the subject of the quantities to be bestowed and retained; but these aberrations from a
just medium are no more than so many caprices
of the human judgment, and in no manner do
they affect the principle. I found also, that all the
wisest and best of the species, or, what is much
the same thing, the most responsible, uniformly
maintain that he who has the largest stake in society, is, in the nature of things, the most qualified
to administer its affairs. By a stake in society is
meant, agreeably to universal convention, a multiplication of those interests which occupy us in our
daily concerns-or what is vulgarly called, property. This principle works by exciting us to do
right, through those heavy investments of our own
which would inevitably suffer were we to do wrong.
The proposition is now clear, nor can the premises
readily be mistaken. Happiness is the aim of
society; and property, or a vested interest in that
society, is the best pledge of our disinterestedness and justice, and the best qualification for its
proper control. It follows as a legitimate corollary, that a multiplication of those interests will
increase the stake, and render us more and more
worthv of the trust, by elevating us, as near as
may be, to the pure and ethereal condition of the
angels. One of those happy accidents which
sometimes make men emperors and kings, had
made me, perhaps, the richest subject of Europe.
With this polar star of theory shining before my
eyes, and with practical means so ample, it would
have been clearly my own fault, had I not steered
my bark into the right haven. If he who had the
heaviest investments was the most likely to love his




92             THE MONIKINS.
fellows, there could be no great difficulty for one in
my situation to take the lead in philanthropy. It is
true that, with superficial observers, the instance
of my own immediate ancestor might be supposed
to form an exception, or rather an objection, to
the theory. So far from this being the case, however, it proves the very reverse. My father, in a
great measure, had concentrated all his investments in the national debt. Now, beyond all cavil,
he loved the funds intensely; grew violent when
they were assailed; cried out for bayonets when
the mass declaimed against taxation; eulogized the
gallows, when there were menaces of revolt, and,
in a hundred other ways, proved that " where the
treasure is, there will the heart be also." The
instance of my father, therefore, like all exceptions, only went to prove the excellence of the
rule. He had merely fallen into the error of contraction, when the only safe course was that of
expansion. I resolved to expand; to do that
which, probably, no political economist had ever
yet thought of doing-in short, to carry out the
principle of the social stake in such a way, as
should cause me to love all things, and consequently to become worthy of being intrusted with
the care of all things.
On reaching town, my earliest visit was one of
thanks to my Lord Pledge. At first, I had felt
some doubts whether the baronetcy would, or
would not, aid the system of philanthropy; for, by
raising me above a large portion of my kind, it
was, in so much at least, a removal from philanthropical sympathies; but, by the time the patent
was received, and the fees were paid, I found that
it might fairly be considered a pecuniary investment, and that it was consequently brought within
the rule I had prescribed for my own government




THE MONIKINS.             93
The next thing was to employ suitable agents
to aid in making the purchases that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month was
diligently occupied in this way. As ready money
was not wanting, and I was not very particular
on the subject of prices, at the end of that time, I
began to have certain incipient sentiments which
went to prove the triumphant success of the experiment. In other words, I owned much, and was
beginning to take a lively interest in all I owned.
I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. This division of real
property was meant to equalize my sentiments
justly, between the different portions of my native
country. Not satisfied with this, however, I extended the system to the colonies. I had East
India shares, a running ship, Canada land, a plantation in Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New
South Wales, an indigo concern at Bengal, an
establishment for the collection of antiques in the
Ionian Isles, and a connexion with a shipping house,
for the general supply of our various dependencies
with beer, bacon, cheese, broadcloths and ironmongery. From the British Empire, my interests
were soon extended into other countries. On the
Garonne, and at Xeres, I bought vineyards. In
Germany I took some shares in different salt and
coal-mines; the same in South America, in the
precious metals; in Russia, I dipped deeply into
tallow; in Switzerland, I set up an extensive manufactury of watches, and bought all the horses
for a voiturier on a large scale. I had silk-worms
in Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath
i Lucca, and a maccaroni establishment at Naoles. To Sicily I sent funds for the purchase of
wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a general agency in the supply of British




94              THE MONIKINS.
articles; such as mustard, porter, pickles, and
corned beef; as well as for the forwarding of pictures and statues to the lovers of the arts and of virti.
By the time all this was effected, I found my
hands full of business. Method, suitable agents,
and a resolution to succeed, smoothed the way,
however, and I began to look about me and to take
breath. By way of relaxation, I now descended
into details; and, for a few days, I frequented the
meetings of those who are called "the Saints,"
in order to see if something might not be done towards the attainment of my object, through their
instrumentality. I cannot say that this experiment
met with all the success I had anticipated. I heard
a great deal of subtle discussion, found that manner
was of more account than matter, and had unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So
near a view of charity had a tendency to expose
its blemishes, as the brilliancy of the sun is known
to exhibit defects on the face of beauty, which escape
the eye when seen through the medium of that artificial light for which they are best adapted; and I
soon contented myself with sending my contributions,
at proper intervals, keeping aloof in person. This
experiment gave me occasion to perceive, that
human virtues, like little candles, shine best in the
dark, and that their radiance is chiefly owing to
the atmosphere of a "naughty world."  From
speculating I returned to facts.
The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years, and finding a singular apathy
in my own bosom on this important subject, I
bought five hundred of each sex, to stimulate my
sympathies. This led me nearer to the United
States of America, a country that I had endeavored to blot out of my recollection; for, while thus
encouraging a love for the species, I had scarcely




THE MONIKINS.             95
thought it necessary to go so far from home. As no
rule exists without an exception, I confess I was a
good deal disposed to believe that a Yankee might
very fairly be an omission in an Englishman's phiianthropy. But, " in for a penny, in for a pound."
The negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi,
where I was soon the owner of both a sugar and
a cotton-plantation. In addition to these purchases,
I took shares in divers South-Sea-men, owned a
coral and pearl-fishery of my own, and sent an agent
with a proposition to King Tamamamaah to create
a monopoly of sandal-wood, in our joint behalf.
The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I had fulfilled the essential condition of the political economists, the jurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the " talents and decency,"
and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I
was fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to dictate to
most of the people of Christendom; for I had taken
a direct interest in their welfares, by making them
my own. Twenty times was I about to jump into
a post-chaise, and to gallop down to the rectory, in
order to lay my new-born alliance with the species,
and all its attendant felicity, at the feet of Anna,but the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its
sympathy-withering consequences, as often stayed
my course. I wrote to her, weekly, however,
making her the participator of a portion of my
happiness, though I never had the satisfaction of
receiving a single line in reply.
Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged
to the species, I now quitted England on a tour of
philanthropical inspection. I shall not weary the
reader with an account of my journeys over the
beaten tracks of the continent, but transport nim
and myself at once to Paris, in which city I arrived
on the 17th of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had




96              THE MONIKINS.
seen much, fancied myself improved, and, by con.
stant dwelling on my system, saw its excellencies
as plainly as Napoleon saw the celebrated star
which defied the duller vision of his uncle, the
Cardinal. At the same time, as usually happens
with those who direct all their energies to a given
point, the opinions originally formed of certain por.
tions of my theory, began to undergo mutations, as
nearer and more practical views pointed out inconsistencies and exposed defects. As regards Anna,
in particular, the quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and yet
distinct picture of womanly loveliness, that was
rarely absent from  my mind, had, for the past
twelve-month, haunted me with a constancy of argument that might have unsettled the Newtonian
scheme of philosophy itself. I already more than
questioned whether the benefit to be derived from
the support of one so affectionate and true, would
not fully counterbalance the disadvantage of a concentration of interest, so far as the sex was concerned. This growing opinion was fast getting to
be conviction, when I encountered on the boule
vards, one day, an old country neighbor of the rec.
tor's, who gave me the best account of the family
adding, after descanting on the beauty and excel.
lence of Anna herself, that the dear girl had, quite
lately, actually refused a peer of the realm, who
enjoyed all the acknowledged advantages of youth,
riches, birth, rank and a good name, and who had
selected her, from a deep conviction of her worth,
and of her ability to make any sensible man happy.
As to my own power over the heart of Anna, I
never entertained a doubt. She had betrayed it in
a thousand ways, and on a hundred occasions; nor
had I been at all backward in letting her understand how highly I valued her dear self, although
I had never yet screwed up my resolution so high,




THE MONIKINS.                  97
as distinctly to propose for her hand.  But all my
unsettled purposes became concentrated on hearing
this welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt
leave of my old acquaintance, I hurried home and
wrote the following letter:
Dear-very dear, nay-dearest ANNA:
I met your old neighbor -, this morning, on the
boulevards, and during an interview of an hour we did little
else but talk of thee. Although it has been my most ardent
and most predominant wish to open my heart to the whole
species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone! Absence,
so far from expanding, appears to contract my affections, too
many of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent virtues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to
think that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient
freedom of thought and action, to turn the attention I ought
to the rest of the human race. Thou hast been with me in
idea, in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land,
in dangers and in safety, in all seasons, regions and situations, and there is no sufficient reason why those who are
ever present in the spirit, should be materially separated.
Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to breathe
a wish, and I will throw myself, a repentant truant, at thy
feet, and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will
not lose ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but come forth again, in company, to acquire a new
and still more powerful hold on this beautiful creation, of
which, by this act, I acknowledge thee to be the most divine
portion.
Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species',
For ever,
JOHN GOLwENICAix.
To Miss ETHimmINTON,
If there was ever a happy fellow on earth, it was
rnvslf, when this letter was written, sealed, and
f)




9o              THE M4ONIKINS.
fairly.dispatched. The die was cast; and I walked
into the air, a regenerated and an elastic being. Let
what might happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gentleness would calm my irritability; her prudence
temper my energies; her bland but enduring affections soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around
me, myself included, and I found a sweet assurance
of the wisdom of the step I had just taken in the
expanding sentiment. If such were my sensations
now that every thought centered in Anna, what
would they not become when these personal transports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to
the action of the ordinary impulses! I began to
doubt of the infallibility of that part of my system
which had given me so much pain, and to incline to
the new doctrine, that by concentration on particular parts, we come most to love the whole. On
examination, there was reason to question whether
it was not on this principle even, that, as an especial landholder, I attained so great an interest in
my native island; for, while I did not certainly own
the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a profound respect for every thing in it, that was in any,
even the most remote manner, connected with my
own particular possessions.
A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The
happiness of this short but heavenly period became
so exciting, so exquisite, that I was on the point of
giving birth to an improvement on my theory, (or
rather on the theory of the political economists and
constitution-mongers, for it is in fact theirs, and
not mine,) when the answer of Anna was received.
If anticipation be a state of so much happiness,happiness being the great pursuit of man,-why not
invent a purely probationary condition of society?
— why not change its elementary features from
positive to anticipating interests, which would give




THE MODIKINS.                99
more zest to life,' and bestow felicity unimpaired
by the dross of realities? I had determined to carry
out this principle in practice, by an experiment, and
left the hotel to order an agent to advertise, and to
enter into a treaty or two, for some new investments, (without the smallest intention of bringing
them to a conclusion,) when the porter delivered
me the ardently expected letter. I never knew
what would be the effect of taking a stake in society by anticipation, therefore; the contents of
Anna's missive driving every subject that was not
immediately connected with the dear writer, and
with sad realities, completely out of my head. It
is not improbable, however, that the new theory
would have proved to be faulty, for I have often had
occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for
instance,) manifest a hostility to the estate, by carrying out the principle of anticipation, rather than
any of that prudent respect for social consequences,
to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety.
The letter of Anna was in the following words:
Good-nay, Dear JOHN,
Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is
the fifth answer I have commenced, and you will therefore
see that I do not write without reflection. I know thy excellent heart, John, better than it is known to thyself. It has
either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the last importance to thy fellow-creatures, or it has led thee cruelly
astray. An experiment so noble and so praiseworthy, ought
not to be abandoned, on account of a few momentary misgiv
ings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight,
at the instant thou art soaring so near the sun! Should
we both judge it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy
wife at a future day. We are still young, and there is no
urgency for an immediate union. In the mean time, I will
endeavor to prepare myself to be the companion of a philan



100              TIE MONIKINS.
thropist, by practising on thy theory, and, by expanding my
own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of one
who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many
and so truly.
Thine imitator and friend,
Without change,
ANNA ETHERINGTONI
To Sir JoHN GOLDENCALF, Bart.
P. S. You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I have just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because
I found I loved all his neighbors, quite as well as I loved the
young peer himself.
Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul,
in the shape of so many demons of jealousy. Anna
expanding her affections!-Anna taking any other
stake in society than that I made sure she would
accept through me!-Anna teaching herself to
love more than one, and that one myself!-The
thought was madness. I did not believe in the
sincerity of her refusal of Lord M'Dee. I ran for
a copy of the Peerage, (for since my own elevation in life, I regularly bought both that work and
the Baronetage,) and turned to the page that contained his name. He was a Scottish Viscount,
who had just been created a Baron of the United
Kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my
own. Here was a rival to excite distrust! By a
singular contradiction in sentiments, the more I
dreaded his power to injure me, the more I undervalued his means. While I fancied Anna was
merely playing with me, and had in secret made
up her mind to be a peeress, I had no doubt that
the subject of her choice was both ill-favored and
awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar
While reading of the great antiquity of his family
(which reached obscurityin the thirteenth century,)




THE MONIKINS.            101
t set it down as established, that tne first of his
unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief;
and, at the very moment that I imagined Anna
was smiling on him, and retracting her coquettish
denial, I could have sworn that he spoke with an
unintelligible border accent, and that he had red
hair!
The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed into the open air for relief.
How long, or whither I wandered, I know not;
but on the morning of the following day I found
I was seated in a guinguette, near the base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll, and refreshing
myself with sour wine. When a little recovered
from the shock of discovering myself in a situation
so novel, (for, having no investments in guinguettes,
I had not taken sufficient interest in these popular
establishments ever to enter one before,) I had
leisure to look about and survey the company.
Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboring classes were
drinking on every side, and talking with a vehemence of gesticulation, and a clamor, that completely annihilated thought. This then, thought I,
is a scene of popular happiness. These creatures
are excellent fellows, enjoying themselves on
liquor that has not paid the city-duty; and perhaps
I may seize upon some point that favors my sys
tem among spirits so frank and clamorous. Doubt
less, if any one among them is in possession of any
important social secret, it will not fail to escape
him here. From meditations of this philosophical
character, I was suddenly aroused by a violent
blow before me, accompanied with an exclamation, in very tolerable English, of the word"King!"
On the centre of the board which did the office
of a table, and directly beneath my eyes, lay a
9*




102            THE MONIKINS.
clenched fist of fearful dimensions, that, in color
and protuberances, bore a good deal of resemblance to a freshly unearthed Jerusalem artichoke.
Its sinews seemed to be cracking with tension, and
the whole knob was so expressive of intense pugnacity, that my eyes involuntarily sought its
owner's face. I had unconsciously taken my seat
directly opposite a man whose stature was nearly
double that of the compact, bustling, sputtering,
and sturdy little fellows, who were bawling on
every side of us, and whose skinny lips, instead
of joining in the noise, were so firmly compressed
as to render the crevice of the mouth no more
strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a
man of sixty. His complexion was naturally fair,
but exposure had tanned the skin of his face to
the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those
parts which a painter would be apt to term the
" high lights" being indicated by touches of red,
nearly as bright as fourth-proof brandy. His eyes
were small, stern, fiery, and very gray; and just
at the instant they met my admiring look, they
resembled two stray coals, that, by some means,
had got separated from the body of adjacent heat
in the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped
nose, athwart which the skin was stretched like
leather in the process of being rubbed down on
the currier's bench, and his ropy black hair was
carefully smoothed over his temples and brows, in
a way to show that he was abroad on a holiday
excursion.
When our eyes met, this singular-looking being
gave me a nod of friendly recognition, for no better
reason that I could discover, than the fact that I
did not appear to be a Frenchman.
"Did mortal man ever listen to such fools, Cap.




THE MONIKINS.            103
tain," he observed, as if certain we must think
alike on the subject.
"Really I did not attend to what was said;
there certainly is much noise."
"I don't pretend to understand a word of
what they are saying, myself; but it sounds like
thorough nonsense."
" My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from nonsense by mere intonation and
sound-but it would seem, sir, that you speak
English, only."
1" Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great
traveller, I have been compelled to look about me,
and as a nat'ral consequence, I speak a little of all
languages. I do not say that I use the foreign
parts of speech always fundamentally, but then I
worry through an idee so as to make it legible
and of use, especially in the way of eating and
drinking. As to French, now, I can say'donnez-me some van,' and' don-nez-vous some pan' as
well as the best of them; but when there are a
dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with
these here chaps, why one might as well go on
the top of Ape's Hill, and hold a conversation with
the people he will meet with there, as to pretend
to hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For
my part, where there is to be a conversation, I
like every one to have his turn, keeping up the
talk, as it might be, watch and watch; but among
these Frenchmen it is pretty much as if their idees
had been caged, and the door being suddenly
opened, they fly out in a flock, just for the pleasure
of saying they are at liberty."
I now perceived that my companion was a
reflecting being, his ratiocination being connected
by regular links, and that he did not boost his phiosophy on the leaping-staff of impulse. like most




104             THE MONIKINS.
of those who were sputtering, and arguing, and
wrangling, with untiring lungs, in all corners of
the guinguette. I frankly proposed, therefore, that
we should quit the place, and walk into the road,
where our discourse would be less disturbed, and
consequently more satisfactory. The proposal was
well received, and we left the brawlers, walking
by the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the
Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs Elysees.
CHAPTER VII.
Touching an amphibious animal, a special introduction, and
its consequences.
I sooN- took an interest in my new acquaintance.
He was communicative, shrewd, and peculiar; and
though apt to express himself quaintly, it was
always with the pith of one who had seen a great
deal of, at least, one portion of his fellow-creatures.  The conversation, under such circumstances, did not flag; on the contrary, it soon
grew more interesting by the stranger's beginning
to touch on his private interests. He told me that
he was a mariner, who had been cast ashore by
one of the accidents of his calling, and, by way
of putting in a word in his own favor, he gave me
to understand that he had seen a great deal, more
especially of that caste of his fellow-creatures, who,
like himself, live by frequenting the mighty deep.
"I am very happy," I said, "to have met with
a stranger who can give me information touching
an entire class of human beings, with whom I
have, as yet, had but little communion. In order
that we may improve the occasion to the utmost,




THE MONIKINS.            105
I propose that we introduce ourselves to each
other at once, and swear an eternal friendship, or,
at least, until we may find it convenient to dispense with the obligation."
" For my part, I am one who like the friendship
of a dog better than his enmity," returned my companion, with a singleness of purpose that left him
no disposition to waste his breath in idle compliments. "I accept the offer, therefore, with all my
heart; and this the more readily, because you are
the only one I have met, for a week, who can
ask me how I do, without saying' Come on, dong,
portez-vous.' Being used to meet with squalls, however, I shall accept your offer under the last condition named."
I liked the stranger's caution. It denoted a proper care of character, and furnished a proof of
responsibility. The condition was therefore accepted on my part, as frankly as it had been urged
on his.
" And now, sir," I added, "when we had shaken
each other very cordially by the hand, "may I
presume to ask your name?"
" I am called Noah, and I don't care who knows
it. I'm not ashamed of either of my names, whatever else I may be ashamed of."
" Noah -?"
"Poke, at your service"-he pronounced the
word slowly and very distinctly, as if what he
had just said of his self-confidence were true. As
I had afterwards occasion to take his signature, 1
shall at once give it in the proper form —" Capt.
Noah Poke."
" Of what part of England are you a native,
Mr. Poke?"
"I believe I may say, of the new parts."
"I did not know that any portion of the island




106            THE MONIKINS.
was so designated. Will you have the good.nm-:uro
to explain yourself."
"I'm a native of Stunin'tun, in the state of
Connecticut, in old New England. My parents
being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old, and
here I am, walking about the kingdom of France
without a cent in my pocket, a shipwrecked mariner. Hard as my lot is, to say the truth, I'd about
as leave starve as live by speaking their d -d
lingo."
"Shipwrecked-a mariner- starving-and a
Yankee!"
"All that, and maybe more, too; though, by
your leave, commodore, we'll drop the last title.
I'm proud enough to call myself a Yankee, but my
back is apt to get up when I hear an Englishman
use the word. We are yet friends, and it may be
well enough to continue so, until some good comes
of it, to one or the other of the parties."
"I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not
offend again. Have you circumnavigated the
globe?"
Capt. Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt
of the simplicity of the question.
"Has the moon ever sailed round the'arth!
Look here a moment, commodore"-he took from
his pocket an apple, of which he had been munching half-a-dozen during the walk, and held it up to
view —" draw your lines which way you will on
this sphere; crosswise, or lengthwise, up or down,
zig-zag or parpendic'lar, and you will not find
more traverses than I've worked about the old
ball!"
" By land, as well as by sea?"
"Why, as to the land, I've had my share of
that, too; for it has been my hard fortune to run
upon it, when- a softer bed would have given a




THE MONIKINS.            107'more quiet nap. This isjust the present difficulty
with me, for I am now tacking about among
these Frenchmen in order to get afloat again, like
an alligator floundering in the mud. I lost my
schooner on the north-east coast of Russia-somewhere hereabouts," pointing to the precise spot on
the apple; "we were up there trading in skinsand finding no means of reaching home by the
road I'd come, and smelling salt water down hereaway, I've been shaping my course westward, for
the last eighteen months, steering as near as might
be directly athwart Europe and Asia; and here 1
am at last, within two days' run of Havre, which
is, if I can get good Yankee planks beneath me
once more, within some eighteen or twenty days'
run of home."
"' You allow me, then, to call the planks, Yankee?"
"' Call'em what you please, commodore; though
I should prefar to call'em the'Debby and Dolly
of Stunin'tun,' to any thing else, for that was the
name of the craft I lost.-Well, the best of us are
but frail, and the longest-winded man is no dolphin
to swim with his head under water!"
" Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you
learned to speak the English language with so
much purity?"
" Stunin'tun- I never had a mouthful of schooling but what I got at home. It's all homespun. I
make no boast of scholarship; but as for naviga:
tion, or for finding my way about the'arth, I'll
turn my back on no man, unless it be to leave him
behind. Now we have people with us, that think
a great deal of their geometry and astronomics,
but I hold to no such slender threads. My way is,
when there is occasion to go anywhere, to settle
it well in my mind as to the place, and then to




108             THE MONIKINS.
make as straight a wake, as natur' will allow
taking little account of the charts, which are as api
to put you wrong as right; —and when they do ge
you into a scrape, it's a smasher!  Depend on
yourself and human natur', is my rule; though 1
admit there is some accommodation in a compass
particularly in cold weather."
" Cold weather!-I do not well comprehend the
distinction."
"Why, I rather conclude that one's scent geti
to be dullish in a frost; but this may be no more
than a conceit, after all, for the two times I've been
wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents
happened by sheer dint of hard blowing, and in
broad day-light, when nothing human, short of a
change of wind, could have saved us."
"And you prefer this peculiar sort of navigation?"
" To all others, especially in the sealing-business,
which is my ra'al occupation. It's the very best
way in the world, to discover islands; and every
body knows that we sealers are always on the
look-out for su'thin' of that sort."
"Will you suffer me to inquire, Captain Poke,
how many times you have doubled Cape Horn?"
My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at
me, as if he distrusted the nature of the question.
"Why, that is neither here nor there;-perhaps I
don't double either of the capes, perhaps I do. 1 get
into the South Sea with my craft, and it's of no great
moment how it's done. A skin is worth just as much
in the market, though the furrier may not happen
to have a glossary of the road it has travelled."
"A glossary?"
" What matters a signification, commodore, when
people understand each other? This over-land journey has put me to my wits, for you will understand,




THE MONIKINS.            109
that I've had to travel among natives that cannot
speak a syllable of the homespun; so I brought the
schooner's dictionary with me as a sort of terrestrial almanac, and I fancied that, as they spoke gibberish to me, the best way was to give it to them
back again, as near as might be in their own coin,
hoping I might hit on su'thin' to their liking. By
this means, I've come to be rather more voluble
than formerly."
"The idea was happy."
"No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But, having given you a pretty clear insight into my natur'
and occupation, it is time that I ask a few questions
of you. This is a business, you must know, at
which we do a good deal at Stunin'tun, and at
which we are commonly thought to be handy."
" Put your questions, Capt. Poke; I hope the answers will be satisfactory."
"Your name?"
"John Goldencalf-by the favor of His Majesty,
Sir John Goldencalf, Baronet."
"' Sir John Goldencalf-by the favor of His Majesty, a Baronet!' Is Baronet a calling? or what
sort of crittur or thing is it?"
" It is my rank, in the kingdom to which I belong."
4" I begin to understand what you mean. Among
your nation, mankind is what we call stationed,
-like a ship's people that are called to go about;you have a certain birth in that kingdom of yours,
much as I should have in a sealing schooner."
"Exactly so; and I presume you will allow that
oreer, and propriety, and safety, result from this'nethod, among mariners?"
"No doubt-no doubt; we station anew, how
tver, each v'yage, according to experience: I'm
10




110             THE MON1KINS.
not so sure that it would do to take even the cook
from father to son, or we might have a pretty mess
of it."
Here the sealer commenced a series of questions,
which he put with a vigor and perseverance that, I
fear, left me without a single fact of my life unrevealed, except those connected with the sacred sentiment that bound me to Anna, and which were far
too hallowed to escape me, even under the ordeal
of a Stunin'tun inquisitor. In short, finding that I
was nearly helpless in such hands, I made a merit
of necessity, and yielded up my secrets, as wood
in a vice discharges its moisture. It was scarcely
possible that a mind like mine, subjected to the action
of such a pair of moral screws, should not yield
some hints touching its besetting propensities. The
Captain seized this clue, and he went at the theory
like a bull-dog at the muzzle of an ox.
To oblige him, therefore, I entered, at some
length, into an explanation of my system. After
the general remarks that were necessary to give a
stranger an insight into its leading principles, I
gave him to understand that I had long been looking for one like him, for a purpose that shall now
be explained to the reader. I had entertained some
negotiations with Tamaahmaah, and had certain investments in the pearl and whale-fisheries, it is true;
but, on the whole, my relations with all that portion of mankind who inhabit the islands of the
Pacific, the north-west coast of America, and the
north-east coast of the old continent, were rather
loose, and generally in an unsettled and vague condition; and it appeared to me that I had been singularly favored, in having a man so well adapted to
their regeneration, thrown, as it were, by Providence, and in a manner so unusual, directly in my




THE MONIKINS.            111
way. I now frankly proposed, therefore, to fit out
an expedition, that should be partly of trade and
partly of discovery, in order to expand my interests
in this new direction, and to place my new acquaintance at its head. Ten minutes of earnest explanation on my part, sufficed to put my companion
in possession of the leading features of the plan.When I had ended this direct appeal to his love of
enterprise, I was answered by the favorite exclamation of"King!"
" I do not wonder, Captain Poke, that your admiration breaks out in this manner; for, I believe,
few men fairly enter into the beauty of this benevolent system, who are not struck equally with its
grandeur and its simplicity. May I count on your
assistance?"
" This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf   "
"Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir."
"A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs
circumspection. Circumspection in a bargain, is
the certain way to steer clear of misunderstandings.
You wish a navigator to take your craft, let her be
what she will, into unknown seas, and I wish, naturally, to make a straight course for Stunin'tun.You see the bargain is in apogee, from the start."
"Money is no consideration with me, Captain
Poke."
"Well, this is an idee that has brought many a
more difficult contract at once into perigee, Sir
John Goldencalf. Money is always a considerabl
consideration with me, and I may say, also, just
now it is rather more so than usual. But when a
entleman clears the way as handsomely as you
ave now done, any bargain may be counted as a
good deal more than half made."




112            THE MONIKINS.
A few explicit explanations disposed of this part
of the subject, and Captain Poke accepted of my
terms in the spirit of frankness with which they
were made. Perhaps his decision was quickened
by an offer of twenty Napoleons, which I did not
neglect making on the spot. Amicable, and in
some respects confidential, relations were now
established between my new acquaintance and
myself; and we pursued our walk, discussing the
details necessary to the execution of our project.
After an hour or two passed in this manner, I.nvited my companion to go to my hotel, meaning
itat he should partake of my board until we could
both depart for England, where it was my intention to purchase, without delay, a vessel for the
contemplated voyage, in which I also had decided
to embark in person.
We were obliged to make our way through the
throng that usually frequents the lower part of the
Champs Elysees, during the season of good weather and towards the close of day. This task was
nearly over, when my attention was particularly
drawn to a group that was just entering the place
of general resort, apparently with the design of
adding to the scene of thoughtlessness and amuse.
ment. But, as I am now approaching the most
material part of this extraordinary work, it wit
be proper to reserve the opening for a new chapter




THE MONIKINS.             113
CHAPTER VIII.
An introduction to four new characters, some touches of phi.
losophy, and a few capital thoughts on political economy.
THE group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals, two of which were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed
man; and the remainder were of the order primates,
and of the class mammalia; or what, in common
parlance, are called monkeys.
The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as being unwashed, ragged and
carnivorous; in colour, swarthy; in lineaments and
expression, avaricious and shrewd, and in appetites
voracious. The latter were of the common species,
of the usual size, and of approved gravity. There
were two of each sex; being very equally paired
as to years and external advantages.
The monkeys were ail habited with more or less
of the ordinary attire of our modern European
civilization; but peculiar care had been taken with
the toilet of the senior of the two males. This
individual had on the coat of a hussar, a cut that
would have given a particular part of his body a
more military contour than comported with his
real character, were it not for a red petticoat, that
was made shorter than common; less, however,
with a view to show a pretty foot and ankle, than
to leave the nether limbs at liberty to go through
with certain extravagant efforts, which the Savovards were unmercifully exacting from his natural
agility. He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with
a few bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and
10*




114             TIlE MONIKINS.
a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he
carried in his hand a small broom.
Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party, the ill-favored Savoyards
immediately commenced a series of experiments
in saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question,
to profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive victims
of this act of brutal tyranny, submitted with a
patience worthy of the profoundest philosophy,
meeting the wishes of their masters with a readiness and dexterity that was beyond all praise.
One swept the earth, another leaped on the back
of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels,
again and again, without a murmur; and the fourth
moved gracefully to and fro, like a young girl in
a quadrille. All this might have passed without
calling for particular remark, (since, alas! the spectacle is only too common,) were it not for certain
eloquent appeals that were made to me, through
the eyes, by the individual in the hussar jacket.
His look was rarely averted from my face for a
moment, and, in this way, a silent communion
was soon established between us. I observed that
his gravity was indomitable. Nothing could elicit
a smile, or a change of countenance. Obedient
to the whip of his brutal master, he never refused
the required leap; for minutes at a time, his legs
and petticoat described confused circles in the
air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the
earth; but, the effort ended, he invariably descended to the ground with a quiet dignity and composure, that showed how little the inward monkey
partook of the antics of the outward animal. Drawing my companion a little aside, I ventured to
suggest a few thoughts to him on the subject.
"Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is
great injustice in the treatment of these poor crea



THE MONIKINS.            115
tures!" I said. "What right have these two foullooking blackguards to seize upon beings much
more interesting to the eye, and, I dare say, far
more intellectual, than themselves, and cause them
to throw their legs about in this extravagant manner, under the penalty of stripes, and without
regard to their feelings, or to their convenience?I say, sir, the measure appears to me to be intolerably oppressive, and it calls for prompt redress."
" King!"
"King or subject, it does not alter the moral
deformity of the act. What have these innocent
beings done, that they should be subjected to this
disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood, like ourselves-do they not approach nearer to our form,
and, for aught we know to the contrary, to our
reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable
that our nearest imitations, our very cousins,
should be thus dealt by? Are they dogs, that they
are treated like dogs?"
" Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog
on'arth that can take such a summerset. Their
flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!"
"Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they
are oppressive. Place yourself, Mr. Poke, for a
single instant, in the situation of one of these
persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket
squeezed upon your brawny shoulders, a petticoat
placed over your lower extremities, a Spanish hat
with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a
wooden sword stuck at your side, and a broom
put into your hand; and that these two Savoyards
were to menace you with stripes unless you consented to throw summersets for the amusement of
strangers-I only ask you to make the case your
own, sir, and then say what course you would
take, and what you would do?"




116            THE MONIKINS.
"I would lick both of these young blackguards,
Sir John, without remorse, break the sword and
the broom over their heads, kick their sensibilities
till they couldn't see, and take my course for
Stunin'tun, where I belong."
"Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards,
who are young and feeble""'T wouldn't alter the case much, if two of
these Frenchmen were in their places"-put in
the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. " To be
plain with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human,
I'd submit to no such monkey tricks."'
"' Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke,
I entreat of you. We call these animals monkeys,
it is true; but we do not know what they call
themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you
must very well know""Harkee, Sir John" —interrupted the Captain,
"I'm no botanist, and do not pretend to more
schooling than a sealer has need of, for finding his
way about the'arth; but, as for a man's being an
animal, I just wish to ask you, now, if, in your
judgment, a hog is also an animal?"
"Beyond a doubt-and fleas, and toads, and
sea-serpents, and lizards, and water-devils-we are
all, neither more nor less than animals."
"Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to
allow the relationship; for, in the course of my
experunce, which is not small, I have met with
men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in
every thing but the bristles, the snout, and the tail.
I'll never deny what I've seen with my own eyes,
though I suffer for it; and therefore I admit that
hogs being animals, it is more than likely that
some men must be animals too."
"We call these interesting beings monkeys; but
how do we know that they do not return the come




THE MONIIINS.             117
plimed. and call us, in their own particular dia.
lect, something quite as offensive. It would become
our species to manifest a more equitable and philosophical spirit, and to consider these interesting
strangers as an unfortunate family which has fallen
into the hands of brutes, and which is, in every
way, entitled to our commiseration and our active
interference. Hitherto, I have never sufficiently
stimulated my sympathies for the animal world,
by any investment in quadrupeds; but it is my
intention to write to-morrow to my English agent
to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud
of horses; and by way of quickening so laudable
a resolution, I shall forthwith make propositions to
the Savoyards for the speedy emancipation of this
family of amiable foreigners. The slave trade is
an innocent pastime, compared to the cruel oppression that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular, is compelled to endure."
"KIcing 1"
"He may be a king, sure enough, in his own
country, Captain Poke;-a fact that would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings."
Hereupon, I proceeded, without more &do, to
open a negotiation with the Savoyards. The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon brought
about a happy understanding between the contracting parties, when the Savoyards transferred to my
hands the strings which confined their vassals, as
the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right
of ownership. Committing the three others to the
keeping of Mr. Polie, I led the individual in the
hussar-jacket a little on one side, and, raising my
hat, to show that I was superior to the vulgar feeling of feudal superiority, I addressed him, briefly,
in the following words:"Although I have ostensibly bought the right




118             THE MONIKINS.
which these Savoyards professed to have in your
persons and services, I seize an early occasion to
inform you that, virtually, you are now free. As
we are among a people accustomed to see your
race in subjection, however, it may not be prudent
to proclaim the nature of the present transaction,
lest there might be some further conspiracies
against your natural rights. We will retire to my
hotel, forthwith, therefore, where your future happiness shall be the subject of our more mature and
of our united deliberations."
The respectable stranger in the hussar-jacket
heard me with inimitable gravity and self-command.
until, in the warmth of feeling, I raised an arm in
earnest gesticulation, when, most probably overcome by the emotions of delight that were naturally awakened in his bosom by this sudden change
of fortune, he threw three summersets, or flapjacks,
as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolutions, in so rapid succession, as to render it, for a moment, a matter of doubt whether nature had placed
his head or his heels uppermost.
Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now
took my way directly to the rue de Rivoli. We
were attended by a constantly increasing crowd,
until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and
glad was I to see my charge safely housed, for
there were abundant indications of another design
upon their rights, in the taunts and ridicule of the
living mass that rolled up, as it were, upon our
heels. On reaching my own apartment, a courier,
who had been waiting my return, and who had
just arrived express from England, put a packet;nto my hands, stating that it came from my principal English agent. Hasty orders were given to
attend to the comfort and wants of Captain Poke
and the strangers, (orders that were in no danger




THE MONiKINS.             119
of being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with
the reputed annual revenue of three millions of
francs, had unlimited credit with all the inhabitants
of the hotel,) and I hurried into my cabinet, and sat
down to the eager perusal of the different communications.
Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still trifled with my misery; and, in revenge, I entertained a momentary resolution ot
adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to
qualify myself to set up a harem.
The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many of those who were entrusted with the care of my interests in very opposite
quarters of the world. Half an hour before, I had
been dying to open more intimate relations with
the interesting strangers; but my thoughts instantly took a new direction, and I sdon found that the'painful sentiments I had entertained touching their
welfare and happiness, were quite lost in the newly
awakened interests that lay before me. It is in
this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to
which I am a convert effects no small part of its
own great purposes. No sooner does any one interest grow painful by excess, than a new claim
arises to divert the thoughts, a new demand is
made on the sensibilities; and, by lowering our affections from the intensity of selfishness, to the
more bland and equable feeling of impartiality,
forms that just and generous condition of the mind
at which the political economists aim, when they
dilate on the glories and advantages of their favorite theory of the social stake.
In this happy frame of mind, I fell to reading
the letters with avidity, and with the god-like de.
termination to reverence Providence and to de
justice.-Fiat justitia ruat celum!




120              THE MONIKINS.
The first epistle was from the agent of the prin.
cipal West-India estate. He acquainted me with
the fact that all hopes from the expected crop were
destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I
would furnish the means necessary to carry on the
affairs of the plantation, until another season might.
repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality asi
a man of business, before I broke another seal, a.
letter was written to a banker in London, request-.
ing him to supply the necessary credits, and to notify the agent in the West-Indies of the circumstance. As he was a member of parliament, 1:
seized the occasion, also, to press upon him  the;
necessity of government's introducing some early,
measure for the protection of the sugar-growers, al
most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects, and[
one whose exposures and actual losses called loud..
lv for relief of this nature. As I closed the letter.
I could not help dwelling, with complacency, orl
the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted —
the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of'
investments.
The second communication was from the manager of an East-India property, that very happily
came with its offering to fill the vacuum left by the
failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was
likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and my correspondent stated that the cost of transportation
being so much greater than from the other colonies,
this advantage would be entirely lost, unless government did something to restore the East-Indian
to his natural equality. I enclosed this letter in one
to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry,
asking of him, in the most laconic and pointed terms,
whether it were possible for the empire to prosper,
when one portion of it was left in possession of
exclusive advantages, to the prejudice of all the




THE MONIKINS.             121
others? As this question was put with a truly British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the
eyes of his Majesty's ministers; for much was
shortly after said, both in the journals and in Parliament, on the necessity of protecting our EastIndian fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice
by establishing the national prosperity on the only
firm basis, that of Free Trade.
The next letter was from the acting partner of
a large manufacturing house, to which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order to enter into
a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners.
The writer complained heavily of the import duty
on the raw article; made some poignant allusions
to the increasing competition on the continent and
in America; and pretty clearly intimated that the
Lord of the manor of Householder ought to make
himself felt by the administration, in a question of
so much magnitude to the nation. On this hint I
spake. I sat down, on the spot, and wrote a long
letter to my friend, Lord Pledge, in which I pointed
out to him the danger that threatened our political
economy; that we were imitating the false theories
of the Americans, (the countrymen of Captain
Poke); that trade was clearly never so prosperous
as when it was the most successful; that success
depended on effort, and effort was the most efficient
when the least encumbered; and, in short, that, as
it was self-evident a man would jump farther with-')ut being in foot-irons, or strike harder without being handcuffed, so it was equally apparent, that a
merchant would make a better bargain for himself,
when he could have things all his own way, than
when his enterprise and industry were shackled
by the impertinent and selfish interposition ofrthe
interests of others. In conclusion, there was an
1loouent description of the demoralizing conso11




122             THE MIONIKINS.
quences of smuggling, and a pungent attack on the
tendencies of taxation in general. I have written
and said some good things in my time, as several
of my dependants have sworn to me, in a way that
even my natural modesty cannot repudiate; but I
shall be excused for the weakness, if I now add,.that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained
some as clever points, as any thing I remember,
in their way; the last paragraph, in particular,
being positively the neatest and the best turned
moral I ever produced.
Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He spoke of the difficulty of getting
the rents; a difficulty that he imputed altogether to
the low price of corn. He said that it would soon
be necessary to re-let certain farms; and he feared
that the unthinking cry against the corn-laws would
affect the conditions. It was incumbent on the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular tendencies,
as respected this subject; for any material variation
from the present system would lower the rentl1 of
all the grain-growing counties in England, thirty
per cent., at least, at a blow. He concluded with
a very hard rap at the Agrarians, a party that was
just coming a little into notice in Great Britain,
and, by a very ingenious turn, in which he completely demonstrated that the protection of the
landlord and the support of the Protestant religion
were indissolubly connected. There was also a
vigorous appeal to the common sense of the subject,
on the danger to be apprehended by the people
from themselves; which he treated in a way that,
a little more expanded, would have made a delightful homily on the rights of man.
I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter
fully an hour. Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy
and upright a fellow as ever breathed; and I could




THE MONIKINS.            123
not but admire the surprising knowledge of men
which shone through every line he had indite.
Something must be done, it was clear; and, at
length, I determined to talke the bull by the horns.
and to address MIr. Huskisson at once, as the
shortest way of coming at the evil. He was the
political sponsor for all the new notions on the
subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and. by
laying before him, in a strong point of view, the
fatal consequences of carrying his system to extremes, I hoped something might yet be done for
the owners of real estate, the bones and sinews of
the land.
I shall just add, in this place, that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very polite and a very statesman-like
reply, in which he disclaimed any intention of med.
dling improperly with British interests, in any way;
that taxation was necessary to our system, and of
course every nation was the best judge of its own
means and resources; but that he merely aimed at
the establishment of just and generous principles,
by which nations that had no occasion for British
measures should not unhandsomely resort to them;
and that certain eternal truths should stand, like so
many well-constructed tubs, each on its own bottom. I must say I was pleased with this attention
from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr.
Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert
to most of his opinions.
The next communication that I opened, was
from the overseer of the estate in Louisiana, who
informed me that the general aspect of things in
that quarter of the world was favorable, but the
small-pox had found its way among the negroes,
and the business of the plantation would immediately require the services of fifteen able-bodied
men, with the usual sprinkling of women and chil



124             THE MONIKINS.
dren. He added, that the laws of America prohi.
bited the further importation of blacks from any
country without the limits of the Union, but that
there was a very pretty and profitable internal
trade in the article; and that the supply might be
obtained, in sufficient season, either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or Maryland. He admitted, however, that there was some choice between the
different stocks of these several states, and that some
discretion might be necessary in making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas was the most
used to the cotton-field, had less occasion for
clothes, and it had been proved by experiment,
could be fattened on red herrings; while, on the
other hand, the negro farther north had the highest
instinct, could sometimes reason, and that he had
even been known to preach, when he had got
as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected,
also, bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well
to purchase samples of lots from all the different
stocks in market.
In reply, I assented to the latter idea, suggesting
the expediency of getting one or two of the higher
castes from  the north; I had no objection to
preaching, provided they preached work; but I
cautioned the overseer particularly against schismatics. Preaching, in the abstract, could do no
narm; all depending on doctrine.
This advice was given as the result of much
earnest observation. Those European states that
had the most obstinately resisted the introduction
of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark,
were changing their systems, and were about to
act on the principle of causing " fire to fight fire."
They were fast having recourse to school-books,
using no other precaution than the simple expedient
of writing them themselves. By this ingenious




TIlE MONIKINS.            125
invention, poison was converted into food, and
truths of all classes were at once put above the
dangers of disputations and heresies.
Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very
gladly turned to the opening of the sixth seal. The
letter was from the efficient trustee of a company
to whose funds I had largely contributed, by way
of making an investment in charity. It had struck
me, a short time previously to quitting home, that
interests positive as most of those I had embarked
in, had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; and
I saw no other check to such an evil, than by seeking for some association with the saints, in order to
set up a balance against the dangerous propensity.
A lucky occasion offered through the wants of the
Philo-african-anti-compulsion-free-labour Society,
whose meritorious efforts were about to cease for
want of the great charity-power-gold. A draft
for five thousand pounds had obtained me the honoi
of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron;
and, I know not why!-but it certainly caused me
to inquire into the results with far more interest than
I had ever before felt in any similar institution.
Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that
principle in our nature, which induces us to look
after whatever has been our own, as long as any
part of it can be seen.
The principal trustee of the Philo-african-anticompulsion-free-labour Society now wrote to state
that some of the speculations which had gone part
passu with the charity, had been successful, and
that the shareholders were, by the fundamental
provisions of the association, entitled to a dividend,
but-how often that awkward word stands between
the cup and the lip!-but, that he was of opinion the
establishment of a new factory, near a point where
the slavers most resorted, and where gold-dust and
11 




126             THE MONIKINS.
palm-oil were also to be had in the greatest quan
tities, and consequently at the lowest prices, would
equally benefit trade and philanthropy; that, by a
judicious application of our means, these two interests might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as
cause and effect, effect and cause; that the black
man would be spared an incalculable amount of
misery, the white man a grievous burthen of sin,
and the particular agents of so manifest a good
might quite reasonably calculate on making, at the
very least, forty per cent. per annum on their
money, besides having all their souls saved, in the
bargain. Of course I assented to a proposition so
reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits so
plausible I
The next epistle was from the head of a great
commercial house in Spain, in which I had taken
some shares, and whose interests had been temporarily deranged by the throes of the people in their
efforts to obtain redress for real or imaginary
wrongs. My correspondent showed a proper indignation on the occasion, and was not sparing in his
language whenever he was called to speak of
popular tumults. "What do the wretches wish!'
he asked, with much point —" Our lives, as well as
our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact
impresses us all (by us, he meant the mercantile
interests) with the importance of strong executives.
Where should we have been, but for the bayonets
of the king? or what would have become of our
altars, our firesides and our persons, had it not
pleased God to grant us a monarch indomitable in
will, brave in spirit, and quick in action?" I wrote
a proper answer of congratulation, and turned to
the next epistle, which was the last of the communi.
cations.
Tho eighth letter was from the acting head of




THE MONIKINS.             127
another commercial house, in New-York, United
States of America, or the country of Captain Poke,
where it would seem the President, by a decided
exercise of his authority, had drawn upon himself the execrations of a large portion of the
commercial interests of the country; since the
effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had
been to render money scarce. There is no man so
keen in his philippics, so acute in discovering and
so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in his philosophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as your
debtor, when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce!
Credit, comfort, bones, sinews, marrow and all, ap.
pear to depend on the result; and it is no wonder
that, under so lively impressions, men who have
hitherto been content to jog on in the regular and
quiet habits of barter, should suddenly start up into
logicians, politicians, ay, or even into magicians. Such
had been the case with my present correspondent,
who seemed to know and to care as little in general of the polity of his own country as if he had
never been in it, but who now was ready to split
hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not
have written more complacently of the constitution
if he had even read it. My limits will not allow
an insertion of the whole letter, but one or two of
its sentences shall be given. "Is it tolerable, my
dear sir," he went on to say, "that the executive
of any country, I will not say merely of our own,
should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he
does possess them, such unheard of powers? Our
condition is worse than that of the Mussulmans,
who, in losing their money, usually lose their heads
and are left in a happy insensibility to their suffer.
ings: but, alas! there is an end of the much boast.
ed liberty of America! The executive has swallow




128             THE MONIKINS.
ed up all the other branches of the government, and
the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our altars,
our firesides, and our persons will shortly be invaded; and I much fear that my next letter will be
received by you, long after all correspondence shall
be prohibited, every means of communication cut
off, and we ourselves shall be precluded from xvriting, by being chained, like beasts of burthen, to the
car of a bloody tyrant." Then followed as pretty
a string of epithets as I remember to have heard
from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billingsgate.
I could not but admire the virtue of the "social-stake system," which kept men so sensibly alive
to all their rights, let them live where they wopld,
or under what form of government, which was so
admirably suited to sustain truth and render us just.
In reply, I sent back epithet for epithet, echoed ali
the groans of my correspondent, and railed as became a man who was connected with a losing
concern.
This closed my correspondence for the present
and I arose wearied with my labors, and yet great
ly rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late, bu'
excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for
the night, I could not help looking in upon my guests.
Captain Poke had gone to a room in another part
of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers
were fast asleep in the ante-chamber. They had
supped heartily, as I was assured, and were now
indulging in a happy but temporary oblivion-to
use an approved expression-of all their wrongs.
Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my
own pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of
Mr. Noah Poke, I also "turned in."




THE MONIKINS.            129
CHAPTER IX.
The commencement of wonders, which are the more extra.
ordinary on account of their truth.
I DARE say my head had been on the pillow fully
an hour, before sleep closed my eyes. During this
time, I had abundant occasion to understand the
activity of what are called the " busy thoughts."Mine were feverish, glowing, and restless. They
wandered over a wide field; — one that included
Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her womanly softness and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke
and his peculiar opinions; the amiable family of
quadrupeds and their wounded sensibilities; the excellencies of the social-stake system; and, in short,
most of that which I had seen and heard during
the last four-and-twenty hours. When sleep did
tardily arrive, it overtook me at the very moment
that I had inwardly vowed to forget my heartless
mistress, and to devote the remainder of my life to
the promulgation of the doctrine of the expansivesuper-human-generalized-affection-principle, to the
utter exclusion of all narrow and selfish views, and
in which I resolved to associate myself with Mr.
Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of
this earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing
down his sympathies in favor of any one place or
person, in particular, Stunin'tun and himself verr
properly excepted.
It was broad day-light when I awoke on the following morning. My spirits were calmed by rest,
and my nerves had been soothed by the balmy
freshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my
valet had entered and admitted the morning air.




130             THE MONIKINS.
and then had withdrawn, as usual, to await the signa
of the bell, before he presumed to reappear. I lay
many minutes, in delicious repose, enjoying the pe.
riodical return to life and reason, bringing with it,
the pleasures of thought and its ten thousand agreeable associations. The delightful reverie into which
I was insensibly dropping, was, however, ere long
arrested by low, murmuring, and, as I thought,
plaintive voices, at no great distance from my own
bed. Seating myself erect,I listened intently, andwith
a good deal of surprise; for it was not easy to imagine whence sounds, so unusual for that place and
hour, could proceed. The discourse was earnest,
and even animated; but it was carried on in so low
a tone that it would have been utterly inaudible, but
for the deep quiet of the hotel. Occasionally a word
reached my ear, and I was completely at fault in endeavoring to ascertain even the language. That it
was in neither of the five great European tongues, I
was certain, for all these I either spoke or read; and
there were particular sounds and inflexions that induced me to think that it savored of the most ancient of the two classics. It is true that the prosody of these dialects, at the same time that is is a
shibboleth of learning, is a disputed point, the very
sounds of the vowels even being a matter of national convention;-the Latin word dux, for instance, becoming ducks in England, dooks in Italy,
and dukes in France: yet there is a'je ne sais quoi,'
a delicacy in the auricular taste of a true scholar,
that will rarely lead him astray, when his ears are
greeted with words that have been used by Demosthenes or Cicero.* In the present instance, I distinctly heard the word, my-bom-y-nos-foskomn-i-tox,
* Or Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to suit
the prejudices of the reader.




THE MONIKINS.            131
which I made sure was a verb in the dual number
and second person, of a Greek root, but of a signification that I could not, on the instant, master, but
which, beyond a question, every scholar will recognize as having a strong analogy to a well-known
line in Horner. If I was puzzled with the syllables that accidentally reached me, I was no less
perplexed with the intonations of the voices of the
different speakers. While it was easy to understand they were of the two sexes, they had no
direct affinity to the mumbling sibilations of the
English, the vehement monotony of the French,
the gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards, the
noisy melody of the Italians, the ear-splitting octaves of the Germans, or the undulating, headover-heels enunciation of the countrymen of my
particular acquaintance, Captain Noah Poke. Of
all the living languages of which I had any knowledge, the resemblance was nearer to the Danish
and Swedish, than to any other; but I much
doubted, at the time I first heard the syllables, and
still question, if there is exactly such a word as
my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be found in even
either of those tongues. I could no longer support the suspense. The classical and learned
doubts that beset me, grew intensely painful; and,
arising with the greatest caution, in order not to
alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to
them all, by the simple and natural process of
actual observation.
The voices came from the ante-chamber, the
door of which was slightly open. Throwing on a
dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into slippers,
I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my
eye in such a situation as enabled me to command
a view of the persons of those who were still
earnestly talking in the adjoining room   All sur



132             THE MONIKINS.
prise vanished the moment I found that the foul
monkeys were grouped in a corner of the apart.
ment, where they were carrying on a very ani
mated dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male
and a female) being the principal speakers. It was
not to be expected that even a graduate of Oxford.
although belonging to a sect so proverbial for
classical lore, that many of them knew nothing
else, could, at the first hearing, decide upon the
analogies and character of a tongue that is so little
cultivated even in that ancient seat of learning.
Although I had now certainly a direct clue to the
root of the dialect of the speakers, I found it quite
impossible to get any useful acquaintance with the
general drift of what was passing among them.
As they were my guests, however, and might possibly be in want of some of the conveniences that
were necessary to their habits, or might even be
suffering under still graver embarrassments, I
conceived it to be a duty to waive the ordinary
usages of society, and at once offer whatever
it was in my power to bestow, at the risk of interrupting concerns that they might possibly wish to
consider private.  Using the precaution, therefore, to make a little noise, as the best means of
announcing my approach, the door was gently
opened, and I presented myself to view. At first,
I was a little at a loss in what manner to address
the strangers; but, believing that a people who
spoke a language so difficult of utterance and so
rich as that I had just heard, like those who use
dialects derived from the Slavonian root, were
most probably the masters of all others; and remembering, moreover, that French was a medium of
thought among all polite people, I determined to
have recourse to that tongue.
"JMessieurs et mesdames," I said, inclining my




THE ]IONIKINS.           133
Dody in salutation, "mille pardons pour cette intrusion
peu convenable"-but, as I am writing in Englisr'
it may be well to translate the speeches as I pro
ceed; although I abandon with regret the advantage
of going through them literally, and in the appropriate dialect in which they were originally spoken.
"Gentlemen and ladies," I said, inclining my body
in salutation, "I ask a thousand pardons for this
inopportune intrusion on your retirement; but overhearing a few of what I much fear are but too
well grounded complaints, touching the false position in which you are placed, as the occupant of
this apartment, and in that light your host, I have
ventured to approach, with no other desire than
the wish that you would make me the repository
of all your griefs, in order, if possible, that they
may be repaired as soon as circumstances shall in
any manner allow."
The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my unexpected appearance, and at the
substance of what I had just said. I observed
that the two ladies were apparently, in some slight
degree, even distressed, the younger turning her
head on one side in maiden modesty, while the
elder, a duenna-sort-of-looking person, dropped
her eyes to the floor, but succeeded in better
maintaining her self-possession and gravity. The
eldest of the two gentlemen approached me with
dignified composure, after a moment of hesitation;
and, returning my salute, by waving his tail with
singular grace and decorum, he answered as follows.-I may as well state in this place, that he
spoke the French about as well as an Englishman
who has lived long enough on the continent to
fancy he can travel in the provinces without being
detected for a foreigner. Au reste, his accent wa
sliphtlv Russian, and his enunciation whistling and
12




134            THE MONIKINS.
harmonious. The females, especially in some of the
lower keys of their voices, made sounds not unlike
the sighing tones of the Eolian harp. It was really a pleasure to hear them; but I have often had
occasion to remark that, in every country but one
which I do not care to name, the language, when
uttered by the softer sex, takes new charms, and
is rendered more delightful to the ear.
"Sir," said the stranger, when he had done
waving his tail, "I should do great injustice to my
feelings, and to the monikin character in general,
were I to neglect expressing some small portion
of the gratitude I feel on the present occasion.
Destitute, houseless, insulted wanderers and captives, fortune has at length shed a ray of happiness
on our miserable condition, and hope begins to
shine through the cloud of our distress, like a passing gleam of the sun. From my very tail, sir, in
my own name and in that of this excellent and
most prudent matron, and in those of these two
noble and youthful lovers, I thank you-Yes! honorable and humane being of the genus homo, species Anglicus, we all return our most tail-felt
acknowledgments of your goodness!"
Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in question over their heads, touching their
receding foreheads with the several tips, and
bowed.-I would have given ten thousand pounds,
at that moment, to have had a good investment in
tails, in order to emulate their form of courtesy;
but naked, shorn and destitute as I was, with a
feeling of humility, I was obliged to put my head
a little on one shoulder, and give the ordinary
English bob, in return for their more elaborate
politeness.
"If I were merely to say, sir," I continued,
when the opening salutations were thus properly




THE MONIKINS.            135
exchanged, "that I am charmed at this accidental
Interview, the word would prove very insufficient
to express my delight. Consider this hotel as your
own; its domestics as your domestics; its stores
of condiments as your stores of condiments, and
its nominal tenant as your most humble servant
and friend. I have been greatly shocked at the
indignities to which you have hitherto been exposed, and now promise you liberty, kindness, and
all those attentions to which, it is very apparent,
you are fully entitled by your birth, breeding, and
the delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate
myself a thousand times for having been so forlunate as to make your acquaintance. My greatest desire has always been to stimulate the sympathies; but, until to-day, various accidents have
confined the cultivation of this heaven-born property, in a great measure, to my own species; I
now look forward, however, to a delicious career
of new-born interests in the whole of the animal
creation, I need scarcely say, in that of quadrupeds
of your family in particular."
"' Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds
or not, is a question that has a good deal embarrassed our own savans," returned the stranger.
" There is an ambiguity in our physical action that
renders the point a little questionable; and therefore, I think, the higher castes of our natural philosophers rather prefer classing the entire monikin
species, with all its varieties, as caudwe-jactans,
or tail-wavers; adopting the term from the nobler
part of the animal formation. Is not this the better
opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino?" he asked,
turning to the youth, who stood respectfully at his
side.
" Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last
tlassification sanctioned by the academy," the




'136            THE MONIKINS.
young noble replied, with a readiness that proved
him to be both well-informed and intelligent, and,
at the same time, with a reserve of manner that
did equal credit to his modesty and breeding. " The
question of whether we are or are not bipeds has
greatly agitated the schools for more than three
centuries."
"The use of this gentleman's name," I hastily
rejoined, "my dear sir, reminds me that we are
but half acquainted with each other. Permit me to
waive ceremony, and to announce myself, at once,
as Sir John Goldenca]f, Baronet, of HouseholderHall, in the Kingdom of Great Britain, a poor admirer of excellence wherever it is to be found, or
under whatever form, and a devotee of the system
of the' social-stake.'"
" I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this
formal introduction, Sir John. In return, I beg you
will suffer me to say that this young nobleman is, in
our own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the appellation, my Lord Chatterino. This young lady is
No. 4, violet, or, my Lady Chatterissa. This excellent and prudent matron is No. 4,626,243, russet, or,
Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her appellation also into the English tongue; and that I am
No. 22,817, brown-study-color, or, Dr. Reasono,
to give you a literal signification of my name,-a
poor disciple of the philosophers of our race, an
LL. D., and a F. U. D. G. E., the travelling tutor of
this heir of one of the most illustrious and the most
ancient houses of the island of Leaphigh, in the
monikin section of mortality."
"Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls
from your revered lips, only whets curiosity, and
adds fuel to the flame of desire, tempting me to inquire further into your private history, your future:ntentions, the polity of your species, and all those
interesting topics that will readily suzrest thb —




THE MONIK1NS.             137
selves to one of your quick apprehension and ex
tensive acquirements. I dread being thought indiscreet; and yet, putting yourself in my position, I
trust you will overlook a wish so natural and ardent."
"Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing
would afford me greater satisfaction than to answer any and every inquiry you may be disposed
to make."
" Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer me to ask at once an explanation of the
system of enumeration, by which you indicate individuals? —You are called No. 22,817, brownstudy-color-   "
"' Or, Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman.
you will perhaps understand me better, if I refer to
a recent practice of the new London police. You
may have observed that the men wear letters in
red or white, and numbers on the capes of their
coats. By the letters, the passenger can refer to
the company of the officer, while the number indicates the individual. Now, the idea of this improvement came, I make no doubt, from our system, under which society is divided into castes, for
the sake of harmony and subordination, and these
castes are designated by colors and shades of colors,
that are significant of their stations and pursuitsthe individual, as in the new police, being known
by the number. Our own language being exceedimgly sententious, is capable of expressing the most
elaborate of these combinations in a very few
sounds. I should add that there is no difference in
the manner of distinguishing the sexes, with the
exception that each is numbered apart, and each
has a counterpart-color to that of the same caste
In the other sex. Thus, purple and violet are both
noble, the former being masculine and the latter
12 il




138             THE MONIKINS.
feminine, and russet being the counterpart of
brown-study-color."
"And-excuse my natural ardor to know more
— and do you bear these numbers and colors marked on your attire, in your own region?"
"As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too
highly improved, mentally and physically, to need
any. It is known that in all cases, extremes meet.
The savage is nearer to nature than the merely
civilized being, and the creature that has passed
the mistifications of a middle state of improvement,
finds himself again approaching nearer to the habits,
the wishes, and the opinions of our common mother. As the real gentleman is more simple in
manners than the distant imitator of his deportment; as fashions and habits are always more exaggerated in provincial towns than in polished
apitals; or, as the profound philosopher has less
pretensions than the tyro, so does our common
genus, as it draws nearer to the consummation of
its destiny, and its highest attainments, learn to reject the most valued usages of the middle condition, and to return, with ardor, towards nature, as
to a first love. It is on this principle, sir, that the
monikin family never wears clothes."
"I could not but perceive that the ladies have
manifested some embarrassment ever since I entered,-is it possible, that their delicacy has taken
the alarm, at the state of my toilet?"
"' At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its
state, if I must speak plainly. The female mind,
trained as it is with us, from infancy upward, in
the habits and usages of nature, is shocked.by any
departure from her rules. You will know how to
make allowances for the squeamishness of the sex
for I believe it is much alike, in this particular, le
it come from what quarter of the earth it may."




THE MONIKINS.             139
"I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my ignorance, Dr. Reasono. Before I ask
another question, the oversight shall be repaired. I
must retire into my own chamber for an instant,
gentlemen and ladies, and I beg you will find such
sources of amusement as first offer, until I can return. There are nuts, I believe, in this closet; sugar is usually kept on that table, and perhaps the
ladies might find some relaxation by exercising
themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I
shall be with you again."
Hereupon, I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and
began to lay aside the dressing-gown, as well as
my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was but
too liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask
Dr. Reasono to step in where I was for an instant.
On mentioning the difficulty, this excellent person
assumed the office of preparing his female friends
to overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing the night-cap and slippers.
" The ladies would think nothing of it," the philosopher good-humoredly remarked, by way of
lessening my regrets at having wounded their sensibilities, "were you even to appear in a military
cloak and Hessian boots, provided, it was not
thought that you were of their acquaintance, and
in their immediate society. I think you must have
often remarked among the sex of your own species, who are frequently quite indifferent to nudities
(their prejudices running counter to ours,) that appear in the streets, but which would cause them
instantly to run out of the room, when exhibited in
the person of an acquaintance; these conventional
asides being tolerated everywhere, by a judicious
concession of punctilios that might otherwise be.
come insupportable."




140             THE MONIKINS.
" The distinction is too reasonable to require an.
other word of explanation, dear sir. Now, let us
rejoin the ladies, since I am, at length, in some degree, fit to be seen."
I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention,
by an approving smile from the lovely Chatterissa,
and good Mistress Lynx no longer kept her eyes
riveted on the floor, but bent them on me, with
looks of admiration and gratitude.
"Now that this little contre-tems is no longer an
obstacle," I resumed, 1" permit me to continue those
inquiries which you have hitherto answered with
so much amenity, and so satisfactorily. As you
have no clothes, in what manner is the parallel between your usage and that of the new London police practically completed?"
"Although we have no clothes, Nature, whose
laws are never violated with impunity, but who is
as beneficent as she is absolute, has furnished us
with a downy covering to supply their places,
wherever clothes are needed for comfort. We have
coats that defy fashions, require no tailors, and
never lose their naps. But it would be inconvenient to be totally clad in this manner; and, therefore, the palms of our hands are, as you see, ungloved; the portions of the frame on which we seat
ourselves are left uncovered, most probably lest
some inconvenience should arise from taking accidental and unfavorable positions. This is the part
of the monikin frame the best adapted for receiving
paint, and the numbers of which I have spoken are
periodically renewed there, at public offices appointed for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as
to escape the human eye; but by using that operaglass, I make no doubt that you may still see some
of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusual
friction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited




THE MONIKINS.            141
wrongs, have nearly un-monikined me in this, as
well as in various other, particulars."
As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn
round, and to use his tail like the index of a black
board, by aid of the glass, I very distinctly traced
the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being
in paint, however, as he had given me reason to
anticipate, they seemed to be branded, or burnt
in, indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves,
and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the philosopher, it was explained with his usual facility
and politeness.
"You are quite right, sir," he said; "the omission of paint was to prevent tautology, an offence
against the simplicity of the monikin dialect, as
well as against monikin taste, that would have
been sufficient, under our opinions, even to overturn the government."
"Tautology!"
"Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background of the picture, you will perceive that it is
already of a dusky, sombre hue; now, this being
of a meditative and grave character, has been
denominated by our academy the'brown-studycolor;' and it would clearly have been supererogatory to lay the same tint upon it. No, sir; we
avoid repetitions even in our prayers, deeming
them to be so many proofs of an illogical and of
an anti-consecutive mind."
"IThe system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each moment. You enjoy the advantage,
for instance, under this mode of enumeration, of
knowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as
well as if you met them face to face!"
" The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active
and an observant mind; but it does not quite reach
the motive of the politico-numerical-identity-sys



142            THE MONIKINS.
tem of which we are speaking. The objects of
this arrangement are altogether of a higher and
more useful nature; nor do we usually recognize
our friends by their countenances, which at the
best are no more than so many false signals, but
by their tails."
"This is admirable! What a facility you possess for recognizing an acquaintance, who may
happen to be up a tree! But may I presume to
inquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved
of the advantages ofthepolitico-numerical-identitysystem? For impatience is devouring my vitals."
"They are connected with the interests of government. You know, sir, that society is established for the purposes of governments, and govertiments, themselves,mainly to facilitate contributions
and taxations. Now, by the numerical system,
we have every opportunity of including the whole
monikin race in the collections, as they are periodically checked off by their numbers. The
idea was a happy thought of an eminent statician
of ours, who gained great credit at court by the
invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the
academy in consequence of its ingenuity."
"Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor,"
put in Lord Chatterino, always with the modesty,
and perhaps I might add, with the generosity of
youth, " that there are some among us who deny
that society was made for governments, and who
maintain that governments were made for society;
or, in other words, for monikins."
"Mere theorists, my good Lord; and their
opinions, even if true, are never practised on.
Practice is every thing in political matters; and
theories are of no use, except as they confirm
practice."
"Both theory and practice are perfect," I cried,




THE MOh'NIKINS.          143
"and I make no doubt that the classification into colors, or castes, enables the authorities to commence
the imposts with the richest, or the'purples."'
"Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at the summit; it seeks the base of the
edifice; and as contributions are the walls of
society, we commence with the bottom. When
you shall know us better, Sil John Goldencalf,
you will begin to comprehend the beauty and
benevolence of the entire monikin economy."
I now adverted to the frequent use of this word
"monikin;" and, admitting my ignorance, desired
an explanation of the term, as well as a more
general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and
poiity of the interesting strangers; if they can be
so called who were already so well known to me.
Dr. Reasono admitted that the request was natural
and was entitled to respect; but he delicately sug
gested the necessity of sustaining the animal functions by nutriment, intimating that the ladies had
supped but in an indifferent way the evening
before, and acknowledging that, philosopher as he
was, he should go through the desired explanations
after improving the slight acquaintance he had
already made with certain condiments in one of
the armoires, with far more zeal and point, than
could possibly be done in the present state of his
appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible
that there was no resisting it; and, suppressing
my curiosity as well as I could, the bell was rung,
I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much
of my attire as was necessary to the semi-civilization of man, and then the necessary orders were
given to the domestics, who, by the way, were
suffered to remain under the influence of those
ordinary and vulgar prejudices that are pretty
generally entertained by the human, against the
monikin family.




144             THE MONIKINS.
Previously to separating from my new friend
Dr. Reasono, however, 1 took him aside, and
stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, a
person of singular philosophy, after the human
fashion, and a great traveller; and that I desired
permission to let him into the secret of our intended
lecture on the monikin economy, and to bring
him with me as an auditor. To this request, No.
22,817, brown-study-color, or Dr. Reasono, gave
a very cordial assent; hinting delicately, at the
same time, his expectation that this new auditor,
who, of course, was no other than Captain Noah
Poke, would not deem it disparaging to his manhood, to consult the sensibilities of the ladies, by
appearing in the garments of that only decent and
respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this
suggestion I gave a ready approval; when each
went his way, after the usual salutations of bowing
and tail-waving, with a mutual promise of being
punctual to the appointment.
CHAPTER X.
A great deal of negotiation, in which human shrewdness is
completely shamed, and human ingenuity is shown to be
of a very secondary quality.
MR. POKE listened to my account of all that had
passed, with a very sedate gravity. He informed
me that he had witnessed so much ingenuity among
the seals, and had known so many brutes that
seemed to have the sagacity of men, and so many
men who appeared to have the stupidity of
brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in bQ.




THE MONIKINS.            145
lieving every word I told him. He expressed his
satisfaction, too, at the prospect of hearing a lecture on natural philosophy and political economy
from the lips of a monliey; although he took occasion to intimate that no desire to learn anything
lay at the bottom of his compliance; for, in his
country, these matters were very generally studied
in the district schools, the very children who ran
about the streets of' Stunin'tun' usually knowing
more than most of the old people in foreign parts.
s" Still a monkey might have some new ideas; and,
for his part, he was willing to hear what every
one had to say; for, if a man did'nt put in a word
for himself, in this world, he might be certain no
one else would take the pains to speak for him."
But when I came to mention the details of the
programme of the forthcoming interview, and
stated that it was expected the audience would
wear their own skins, out of respect to the ladies,
I greatly feared that my friend would have so far
excited himself as to go into fits. The rough old
sealer swore some terrible oaths, protesting "that
he would not make a monkey of himself, by appearing in this garb, for all the monikin philosophers, or high-born females, that could be stowed
in a ship's hold; that he was very liable to take
cold; that he once knew a man who undertook to
play beast in this manner, and the first thing the
poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail
sprouting out of him; a circumstance that he had
always attributed to a just judgment for striving
to make himself more than Providence had intended him for; that, provided a man's ears were
naked, he could hear just as well as if his whole
body was naked; that he did not complain of the
monkeys going in their skins, and that they ought,
in reason, not to meddle with his clothes; that he
13




1416           THE MONIKINS.
should lie scratching himself the whole time, and
thinking what a miserable figure he cut; that he
would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he
was apt to be deaf when he was cold; that he
would be d-d if he did any such thing; that
human natur' and monkey natur' were not the same,
and it was not to be expected that men and monkeys should follow exactly the same fashions; that
the meeting would have the appearance of a boxing-match, instead of a philosophical lecture; that
he never heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun; that
he should feel sneaking at seeing his own shins in
the presence of ladies; that a ship always made
better weather under some canvas, than under
bare poles; that he might possibly be brought to
his shirt and pantaloons, but as for giving up these,
he would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor
off his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore;
that flesh and blood were flesh and blood, and they
liked their comfort; that he should think the whole
time he was about to go in a swimming, and
should be looking about for a good place to dive;"
together with a great many more similar objections, that have escaped me in the multitude of
things of greater interest which have since occupied my time. I have frequently had occasion to
observe, that, when a man has one good, solid
reason for his decision, it is no easy matter to
shake it; but, that he who has a great many,
usually finds them of far less account in the
struggle of opinions. Such proved to be the fact
with Captain Poke on the present occasion. I succeeded in stripping him of his garments, one by
one, until I got him reduced to the shirt, where,
like a stout ship that is easily brought to her
bearings by the breeze, he'stuck and hung' in
a manner to manifest it would require a heavy
strain to bring him down any lower. A lucky




THE MONIKINS.            147
thought relieved us all from the dilemma. There
were a couple of good large bison-skins among
my effects, and on suggesting to Dr. Reasono the
expediency of encasing Captain Poke in the folds
of one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented,
observing that any object of a natural and simple
formation was agreeable to the monikin senses;
their objections were merely to the deformities of
art, which they deemed to be so many offences
against Providence. On this explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the infancy of the
new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my
ancient habits, could I be permitted to use one of
the skins, also, while Mr. Poke occupied the other.
Not the slightest objection was raised to the proposal, and measures were immediately taken to
prepare us to appear in good company. Soon
after I received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of
the conditions that were to regulate the approaching interview. This document was written in
Latin, out of respect to the ancients, and as I afterwards understood, it was drawn up by my Lord
Chatterino, who had been educated for the diplomatic career at home, previously to the accident
which had thrown him, alas! into human hands. I
translate it freely, for the benefit of the ladies, who
usually prefer their own tongues to any others.
PROTOCOL of an interview that is to take place
between Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, and
No. 22,817, brown-study-colour, or Socrates Reasono, F. U. D. G. E., Professor of Probabilities in
the University of Monikinia, and in the kingdom
Df Leaphigh:
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz. —
ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview.




148            THE MON1KINS.
ART. 2. That the said interview shall be 1 peace.
able interview, and not a belligerent interview.
ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical,
explanatory, and discursory.
ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Rea.
sono shall have the privilege of speaking most,
and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of hearing
most.
ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have
the privilege of asking questions, and Dr. Reasono
the privilege of answering them.
ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both
human and monikin prejudices and sensibilities.
ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins
who may accompany him, shall smooth their coats,
and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments,
in a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to
Sir John Goldencalf and his friend.
ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man
who may accompany him, shall appear in bisonskins, wearing no other clothing, in order to render
themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono
and his friends.
ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall
be respected.
ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this
protocol shall be interpreted, as near as may be, in
favor of both parties.
ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established
to the prejudice of either the human or the monlkin dialect, by the adoption of the Latin language
on this occasion.
Delighted with this proof of attention on the part
of my Lord Chatterino, I immediately left a card
for that young nobleman, and then seriously set
about preparing myself, with an increased scrupu




THE MONIKINS.            149.ousness, for the fulfilment of the smallest condition
of the compact. Capt. Poke was soon ready, and
I must say that he looked more like a quadruped
on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human
being. As for my own appearance, I trust it was
such as became my station and character.
At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord Chatterino appearing with a copy
of the protocol in his hand. This instrument was
formally read, by the young peer, in a very creditable manner, when a silence ensued, as if to invite comment. I know not how it is, but I never
yet heard the positive stipulations of any bargain,
that I did not feel a propensity to look out for
weak places in them. I had begun to see that
the discussion might lead to argument, argument
to comparisons between the two species, and
something like an esprit de corps was stirring within
me. It now struck me that a question might be
fairly raised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono's
appearing with three backers, while I had but one.
The objection was, therefore, urged on my part, I
hope in a modest and conciliatory manner. In
reply, my Lord Chatterino observed, it was true
the protocol spoke in general terms of mutual supporters, but if", Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble
of referring to the instrument itself, he would see
that the backers of Dr. Reasono were mentioned in
the plural number, while that of Sir John himself
was alluded to only in the singular number."
" Perfectly true, my Lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark, that two Monikins
would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of
Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three;
there certainly must be some limits to this plurality,
or the Doctor would have a right to attend the
13*




150            THE MONIKINS.
interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of
Leaphigh."
"The objection is highly ingenious, and credit.
able in the last degree to the diplomatic abilities
of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among monikins, two
females are deemed equal to only one male, in the
eye of the law. Thus, in cases which require two
witnesses, as in conveyances of real estate, two
male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would
be necessary to have four female signatures, in
order to give the instrument validity. In the legal
sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is
attended by only two monikins."
Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of Leaphigh was a good one; for
he had often had occasion to remark that women,
quite half the time, did not know what they were
about; and he thought, in general, that they require
more ballast than men.
"This reply would completely cover the case,
my Lord," I answered, " were the protocol purely
a monikin document, and this assembly purely a
monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously
otherwise. The document is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among scholars, and I
gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not
remember to have seen a better specimen of modern latinity."
"It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord
Chatterino, waving his tail in acknowledgment of
the compliment, "that the protocol itself, is in a
language that has now become common property;
but the mere medium of thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment, provided it is neutral as respects the contracting parties; moreover,
in this particular case, article 11th of the protocol
contains a stipulation that no legal consequences




THE MONIKINS.            151
whatever are to follow the use of the Latin lan.
guage; a stipulation that leaves the contracting parties in possession of their original rights. Now,
as the lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given
by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin grounds,
I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should
generally be conducted on monikin principles."
"If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin
ground, (which I have a right to assume, since
the greater necessarily includes the less,) I beg
leave to remind your Lordship, that the parties
are, at this moment, in a neutral country, and
that, if either of them can set up a claim of territorial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these
claims must be admitted to be human, since the
locataire of this apartment is a man, in control of
the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain."
"Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and I beg leave to amend my
plea.-All I mean is, that the leading consideration
in this interview, is a monikin interest-that we
are met to propound, explain, digest, animadvert
on, and embellish a monikin theme-that the
accessory must be secondary to the principalthat the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but
in my sense, in the greater-and, by consequence,
that   "
"You will accord me your pardon, my dear
Lord, but I hold  -"
"' Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused if I say —"
"One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you,
n order that'"
" A thousand, very cheerfully, SirJohn, but  -"
*"My Lord Chatterino!"
" Sir John Goldencalf!"




152            THE MONIKINS
Hereupon we both began talking at the same
time, the noble young monikin gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations to
the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, 1
afterwards had occasion to know, was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn, after wandering
from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration that was especially addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah Poke. My auditor
contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the
bison's skin, and nodded approbation of what fell
from me, with a proper degree of human and
clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued
in this desultory manner, to the present time, had
not the amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, with
the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex,
by placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the
young nobleman, she effectually checked his volubility. When a horse is running away, he usually
comes to a dead stop, after driving through lanes,
and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds
himself master of his own movements, in an open
field. Thus, in my own case, no sooner did I find
myself in sole possession of the argument, than I
brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the
pause, to introduce a proposition that, the experiment already made by myself and Lord Chatterino
being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should
retire and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new programme of the proceedings. This
happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while
the two negotiators were absent, I improved the
opportunity to become better acquainted with the
lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord
Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy, who could turn from a hot and angry dis
cussion, on the instant, to the most bland and win



THE MONIKINS.            153
ning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my
wishes, inducing his charming mistress to throw
aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to
enter, at once, into a free and friendly discourse.
Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries
returned; for it appears that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he subsequently explained
it himself, a' Stunin'tun principle,' Captain Poke
conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute
every proposition which came from the other party.
This difficulty would probably have proved insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought
him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every
other article, without reserve, to the sole dictation
of his colleague, reserving to himself the same
privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well
assured that the philosopher was no lawyer, assented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit
of concession, was soon brought to a close. And
here I would recommend this happy expedient to
all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties,
since it enables each party to gain his point, and
probably leaves as few openings for subsequent
disputes, as any other mode that has yet been
adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it
having been written, in duplicate, in English and in
Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of
one of the negotiators gave it very much the character of a capitulation.
PROTOCOL of an interview, &c. &c. &c.
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview.
ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can
come and go at pleasure.
ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted,
generally, on philosophical and liberal principles.




154             THE MONIKINS.
ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be usea
at discretion.
ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding questions, and either party
the privilege of answering them.
ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen,
or no one talk, unless so disposed.
ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be con.
formable to the abstract rules of propriety and
decorum.
ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may
be reefed, from time to time, according to the
state of the weather.
ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be
rigidly respected.
ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be
taken by lawyers.
Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the
respective documents like two hawks, eagerly
looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the
opinions we had before advanced, and which we
had both shown so much cleverness in supporting.
i" Why, my Lord, there is no provision for the
appearance of any 3MIonikins at all at this interview!"
",The generality of the terms leaves it to be
inferred that all may come and go who may be so
disposed."
" Your pardon, my Lord; article 8 contains a
direct allusion to bison-skins in the plural, and
under circumstances from which it follows, by a
just deduction, that it was contemplated that more
than one wearer of the said skins should be present
at the said interview."
"Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer
me to observe that by article 1, it is conditioned




THE MONIKINS.            155
that there shall be an interview; and by article 3,
it is furthermore agreed that the said interview
shall be conducted'on philosophical and liberal
principles;' now, it need scarcely be urged, good
Sir John, that it would be the extreme of illiberality
to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed by the other."
"Perfectly just, my Lord, were this an affair
of mere courtesy; but legal constructions must be
made on legal principles, or else, as jurists and
diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable
ocean of conjecture."
"A.,d yet article 10 expressly stipulates that'no advantage shall be taken by lawyers.' By
considering articles 3, and 10, profoundly and in
conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of
the negotiators to spread the mantle of liberality,
apart from all the subtilties and devices of mere
legal practitioners, over the whole proceedings.
Permit me, in corroboration of what is now urged,
to appeal to the voices of those who framed the
very conditions about which we are now arguing.
Did you, sir," continued my Lord Chatterino,
turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dignity; "did you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated article 10-did you deem that you were
publishing authority of which the lawyers could
take advantage?"
A deep and very sonorous "No," was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke.
My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal
grace, to the Doctor, first diplomatically waving
his tail three times, continued:" And you, sir, in drawing up article 3-did you
conceive that you were supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?"
The question was met by a prompt negative




156             THE MONIKINS.
when the young noble paused, and looked at me,
like one who had completely triumphed.
"Perfectly eloquent, completelyconvincing, irrefutably argumentative, and unanswerably just, my
Lord," I put in; " but I must be permitted to hint
that the validity of all laws is derived from the
enactment: now the enactment, or, in the case of
a treaty, the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived
from the intention of the party who may happen
to draw up a law or a clause, but from the assent
of the legal deputies. In the present instance, there
are two negotiators, and I now ask permission to
address a few questions to them, reversing the
order of your own interrogatories; and the result
may possibly furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a
new light." Addressing the philosopher, I continued-"Did you, sir, in assenting to article 10,
imagine that you were defeating justice, countenancing oppression, and succouring might to the
injury of right?"
The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt,
a very conscientious, "No."
"And you, sir," turning to Captain Poke, " did
you, in assenting to article 3, in the least conceive
that, by any possibility, the foes of humanity could
torture your approbation into the means of determining that the bison-skin wearers were not to be
upon a perfect footing with the best Monikins of
the land?"
"Blast me, if I did!"
"But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method
of reasoning- "
"Was first resorted to by yourself, my Lord —"
"Nay, good Sir ——;'
"Permit me, my dear Lord  -"
"Sir John-  "
"My Lord —"




THE MONIKINS.             157
Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced,
and by another timely interposition of her graceful
tact, she succeeded in preventing the reply. The
parallel of the runaway horse was acted over,
and I came to another stand-still. Lord Chatterino now gallantly proposed that the whole affair
should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies.
I could not refuse; and the plenipotentiaries retired,
under a growling accompaniment of Captain Poke,
who pretty plainly declared that women caused
more quarrels than all the rest of the world, and,
from the little he had seen, he expected it would
turn out the same with monikinas.
The female sex certainly possess a facility of
composition that is denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the referees
returned with the following programme.
PROTOCOL of an interview between, &c. &c.
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical,
philosophical, ethical, liberal, general, and controversial interview.
ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable
ART. 3. The interview shall be general.
ART. 4. The interview shall be logical.
ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical.
ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical.
aRT. 7. The interview shall be liberal.
ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial.
ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial
liberal, philosophical, ethical, logical, general, and
amicable.
ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly
agreed upon.
14




158            THE MONIKINS.
The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more
avidity than Lord Chatterino and myself pounced
-upon the third protocol, seeking new grounds for
the argument that each was resolved on.
"Augustle! cher Auguste!" exclaimed the lovely
Chatterissa, in the prettiest Parisian accent I
thought I had ever heard-" Pour moi!"
"A moil! Monseigneur," I put in, flourishing my
copy of the protocol-I was checked in the midst
of this controversial ardor, by a tug at the bisonskin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke winking and making other signs that he
wished to say a word in a corner.
" I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer,
"if we evermean to let this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done now. The females
have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we
can't weather upon two women before the matter
is well over. In Stunin'tun, when it is thought
best to accommodate proposals, why we object
and raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards
the end we kinder soften and mollify, or else trade
would come to a stand. The hardest gale must
blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best
argument the best monkey of them all can agitate'!"
" This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I amr
filled with an esprit de corps. Do you not begin
yourself to feel human?"
"Kinder; but more bisonish than any thing
else. Let them go on, Sir John; and, when the
time comes, we will take them aback, or set me
down as a pettifogger."
The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to
see that there was some sense in his opinion. On
rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce know
which to call them, I found that the amiable Chat.




THE MONIKINS.             159
terissa had equally calmed the diplomatic ardor of
her lover, again; and we now met on the best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by acclamation; and preparations were instantly commenced for the lecture of Dr. Reasono.
CHAPTER XI.
A philosophy that is bottomed on something substantialSome reasons plainly presented, and cavilling objections
put to flight, by a charge of logical bayonets.
DR. REASoNo was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishments of his lyceum, as any public
lecturer I remember to have seen, who was required to execute his functions in the presence of ladies.
If I say that his coat had been brushed, his tail
newly curled, and that his air was a little more than
usually "solemnized," as Captain Poke described
it in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said
that is either necessary or true. He placed him.
self behind a footstool, which served as a table,
smoothed its covering a little with his paws, and
at once proceeded to business. It may be well to
add that he lectured without notes, and, as the
subject did not immediately call for experiments,
without any apparatus.
Waving his tail towards the different parts of
the room in which his audience were seated, th
philosopher commenced.
"As the present occasion, my hearers," he said,' is one of those accidental calls upon science, to
which all belonging to the academies are liable,
and does not demand more than the heads of our
thesis to be explained, I shall not dig into the roots




100             THE MONIINNS
of the subject, but limit myself to such general
remarks as may serve to furnish the outlines of our
philosophy, natural, moral and political   "
"How, sir," I cried, " have you a political as
well as a moral philosophy?"
" Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interests require more philosophy
than those connected with politics.-To resume,
our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserving most of the propositions, demonstrations, and
corollaries, for greater leisure, and a more advanced state of information in the class.-Prescribing to myself these salutary limits, therefore, I
shall begin only with Nature.
s" Nature is a term that we use to express the
pervading and governing principle of created
things. It is known both as a generic and a specific
term, signifying in the former character the elements and combinations of omnipotence, as applied
to matter in general, and in the latter, its particu.
lar subdivisions, in connexion with matter in its
infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its
physical and moral attributes, which admit also
of the two grand distinctions just named. Thus,
when we say Nature, in the abstract, meaning
physically, we would be understood as alluding to
those general, uniform, absolute, consistent, and
beautiful laws, which control and render harmonious, as a great whole, the entire action, affinities, and destinies of the universe; and when we
say Nature in the speciality, we would be understood to speak of the nature of a rock, of a tree,
of air, fire, water, and land. Again; in alluding
to a moral Nature in the abstract, we mean sin,
and its weaknesses, its attractions, its deformities;
in a word, its totality; while, on the other hand,
when we use the term, in this sense, under the




THE MONIKINS.            161.imits of a speciality, we confine its signification
to the particular shades of natural qualities that
mark the precise object named. Let us illustrate
our positions by a few brief examples.
"When we say' 0 Nature! how art thou glorious, sublime, instructive!' —we mean that her
laws emanate from a power of infinite intelligence
and perfection; and when we say'0 Nature!
how art thou frail, vain and insufficient!' we mean
that she is, after all, but a secondary quality, inferior to that which brought her into existence, for
definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful purposes.
In these examples, we treat the principle in the
abstract.
" The examples of nature in the speciality will
be more familiar, and, although in no degree more
true, will be better understood by the generality
of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physical
signification, is apparent to the senses, and is
betrayed in the outward forms of things, through
their force, magnitude, substance, and proportions
and, in its more mysterious properties, to examina
tion, by their laws, harmony, and action. Espe
cial moral nature is denoted in the different pro
pensities, capacities and conduct of the different
classes of all moral beings. In this latter sense
we have monikin nature, dog nature, horse nature,
hog nature, human nature    "
"Permit me, Dr. Reasono," I interrupted, "to
inquire if, by this classification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by the accidental
arrangement of your examples?"
"Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John."
"And do you admit the great distinctions of
animal and vegetable natures?"
" Our academies are divided on this point. One
school contends that all living nature is to be em14*




162             THE ~ MONIKINS.
braced in a great comprehensive genus, while
another admits of the distinctions you have named.
I am of the latter opinion, inclining to the belief
that Nature herself has drawn the line between
the two classes, by bestowing on one the double
gift of the moral and physical nature, and by withholding the former from the other. The existence
of the moral nature is denoted by the presence of
the will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an
elaborate classification of all the known animals,
of which the sponge is at the bottom of the list,
and the monikin at the top."
"Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled
Noah.
" Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the
throat, "am  I to understand that your savans
account man an animal in a middle state between
a sponge and a monkey?"
" Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited
to philosophical discussion —if you continue to
indulge in it, I shall find myself compelled to
postpone the lecture."
At this rebuke I made a successful effort to
restrain myself, although my esprit de corps nearly
choked me. Intimating, as well as I could, a
change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood
suspended over his table with an air of doubt,
waved his tail, and proceeded:" Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads,
snakes, lizards, skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions, esquimaux,
sloths, hogs, hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and
monikins are, beyond a question, all animals. The
only disputed point among us is, whether they are
all of the same genus, forming varieties or species,
or whether they are to be divided into the three
great fanlilies of the improvables, the unimprova.




THE  IONIKINS.           163
tbes, and the retrogressives. They who maintain
that we form but one great family, reason by certain conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many
links to unite the great chain of the animal world.
Taking man as a centre, for instance, they show
that this creature possesses, in common with every
other creature, some observable property. Thus,
man is, in one particular, like a sponge; in another,'
he is like an oyster; a hog is like a man; the skunk
has one peculiarity of a man; the ourang-outang
another; the sloth another  "
"King!"
"And so on, to the end of the chapter. This
school of philosophers, while it has been very
ingeniously supported, is not, however, the one
most in favor, just at this moment, in the academy
of Leaphigh —-— "
"Just at this moment, Doctor!"
" Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths,
physical as well as moral, undergo their revolutions, the same as all created nature? The academy has paid great attention to this subject; and
it issues annually an almanack, in which the different phases, the revolutions, the periods, the
eclipses, whether partial or total, the distances
from the centre of light, the apogee and perigee of
all the more prominent truths, are calculated, with
singular accuracy; and by the aid of which the
cautious are enabled to keep themselves, as near
as possible, within the bounds of reason. We
deem this effort of the monikin mind as the sublimest of all its inventions, and as furnishing the
strongest known evidence of its near approach to
the consummation of our earthly destiny. This
is not the place to dwell on that particular point
of our philosophy, however; and, for the present,
we will postpone the subject."




164            THE MONIKINS.
"Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue
of clause 1, article 5, protocol No. 1, (which protocol, if not absolutely adopted, must be supposed
to contain the spirit of that which was,) to inquire
whether the calculations of the revolutions of truth,
do not lead to dangerous moral extravagancies,
ruinous speculations in ideas, and serve to unsettle
society?"
The philosopher withdrew a moment with my
Lord Chatterino, to consult whether it would be
prudent to admit of the validity of protocol No. 1,
even in this indirect manner; whereupon it was decided between them, that, as such admission would
lay open all the vexatious questions that had just
been so happily disposed of, clause 1 of article 5
having a direct connexion with clause 2; clauses
1 and 2 forming the whole article; and the said
article 5, in its entirety, forming an integral portion of the whole instrument; and the doctrine of
constructions enjoining that instruments are to be
construed, like wills, by their general, and not by
their especial, tendencies, it would be dangerous
to the objects of the interview to allow the application to be granted. But, reserving a protest
against the concession being interpreted into a
precedent, it might be well to concede that, as an
act of courtesy, which was denied as a right.
Hereupon, Dr. Reasono informed me that these
calculations of the revolutions of truth did lead to
certain moral extravagancies, and in many instances to ruinous speculations in ideas; that the
academy of Leaphigh, and so far as his information extended, the academy of every other country,
had found the subject of truth, more particularly
moral truth, the one of all others the most difficult
to manage, the most likely to be abused, and the
most dangerous to promulgate. I was moreover




THE MONIKINS.            165
promised, at a future day, some illustrations of
this branch of the subject.
"To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture," continued Dr. Reasono, when he had politely made this little digression, "we now divide
these portions of the created world into animated
and vegetable nature; the former is again divided
into the improvable and the unimprovable, and the
retrogressive. The improvable embraces all those
species which are marching, by slow, progressive,
but immutable mutations, towards the perfection
of terrestrial life, or to that last, elevated, and
sublime condition of mortality, in which the mate
rial makes its final struggle with the immaterialmind with matter. The improvable class of animals, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, commences with those species in which matter has
the most unequivocal ascendency, and terminates
with those in which mind is as near perfection as
this mortal coil will allow. We hold that mind
and matter, in that mysterious union which connects the spiritual with the physical being, commence in the medium state, undergoing, not, as
some men have pretended, transmigrations of the
soul only, but such gradual and imperceptible
changes of both soul and body, as have peopled
the world with so many wonderful beings; wonderful, mentally and physically; and all of which
(meaning all of the improvable class) are no more
than animals of the same great genus, on the high
road of tendencies, who are advancing towards
the last stage of improvement, previously to their
final translation to another planet, and a new exist
ence.
" The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens which, owing to their destiny, take a false
direction; which, instead of tending to the immate.




166             THE MONIKINS.
rial, tend to the material; which gradually become
more and more under the influence of matter, until,
by a succession of physical translations, the will is
eventually lost, and they become incorporated with
the earth itself. Under this last transformation,
these purely materialized beings are chymically
analyzed in the great laboratory of nature, and
their component parts are separated:-thus the
bones become rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air,
the blood water, the grizzle clay, and the ashes of
the will are converted into the element of fire. In
this class we enumerate whales, elephants, hippopotami, and divers other brutes, which visibly exibit accumulations of matter that must speedily
triumph over the less material portions of their naures."
"And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate
against the theory; the elephant, for instance, is
eccounted one of the mest intelligent of all the
quadrupeds."
"A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in these little equivocations: thus, we have
false suns, false rainbows, false prophets, false vision,
and even false philosophy. There are entire races
of both our species, too, as the Congo and the Esquimaux, for yours, and baboons and the common
monkeys, that inhabit various parts of the world
possessed by the human species, for ours, which are
mere shadows of the forms and qualities that properly distinguish the animal in its state of perfect
tion."
"' How, sir; are you not, then, of the same fami
ly as all the other monkeys that we see hopping
and skipping about the streets?"
"No more, sir, than you are of the same family
as the flat-nosed, thick-lipped, low-browed, inkskinned negro, or the squalid, passionless, brutalized




THE MONIKINS.             167
Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights in
vagaries; and all these are no more than some of
her mistifications. Of this class is the elephant,
who, while verging nearest to pure materialism,
makes a deceptive parade of the quality he is fast
losing. Instances of this species of playing trumps,
if I may so express it, are common in all classes
of beings. How often, for instance, do men, just
as they are about to fail, make a parade of wealth,
women seem obdurate an hour before they capitulate, and diplomatists call Heaven to be a witness
of their resolutions to the contrary, the day before
they sign and seal! In the case of the elephant,
however, there is a slight exception to the general
rule, which is founded on an extraordinary struggle
between mind and matter, the former making an
effort that is unusual, and which may be said to
form an exception to the ordinary warfare between
these two principles, as it is commonly conducted
in the retrogressive class of animals. The most
infallible sign of the triumph of mind over matter,
is in the development of the tail —--- "
" King!"
"Of the tail, Dr. Reasono?"
" By all means, sir,-that seat of reason, the tail!
Pray, Sir John, what other portion of our frames
did you imagine was indicative of intellect?"
"Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly
thought the head is the more honorable member,
and, of late, we have made analytical maps of this
part of our physical formation, by which it is pretended to know the breadth and length of a moral
quality, no less than its boundaries."
" You have made the best use of your materials,
such as they were, and I dare say the map in question, all things considered, is a very clever perform.
ance. But in the complication and abstruseness of




168             THE MONIKINS.
this very moral chart (one of which I perceive
standing on your mantel-piece,) you may learn the
confusion which still reigns over the human intellect. Now, in regarding us, you can understand
the very converse of your dilemma. How much
easier, for instance, is it to take a yard-stick, and
by a simple admeasurement of a tail, come to a
sound, obvious and incontrovertible conclusion as
to the extent of the intellect of the specimen, than
by the complicated, contradictory, self-balancing
and questionable process to which you are reduced!
Were there only this fact, it would abundantly establish the higher moral condition of the monikin
race, as it is compared with that of man."
" Dr. Reasono, am 1 to understand that the monikin family seriously entertain a position so extravagant as this: that a monkey is a creature more
intellectual and more highly civilized than man?"
"Seriously, good Sir John!-Why you are the
first respectable person it has been my fortune to
meet, who has even affected to doubt the fact. It
is well known that both belong to the improveable
class of animals, and that monkeys, as you are
pleased to term us, were once men, with all their
passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, modes of philosophy, unsound ethics, frailties, incongruities and
subserviency to matter; that they passed into the
monikin state by degrees, and that large divisions
of them are constantly evaporating into the immaterial world, completely spiritualized and free from
the dross of flesh. I do not mean in what is call.
ed death —for that is no more than an occasional
deposit of matter to be resumed in a new aspect,
and with a nearer approach to the grand results,
(whether of the improveable or of the retrogressive
classes;) but those final mutations which transfer
us to another planet, to enjoy a higher state of be.




THE MONIKINS.            169
Mig, and leaving us always on the high road toe
wards final excellence."
" All this is very ingenious, sir; but, before you
caz persuade me into the belief that man is an animal inferior to a monkey, Dr. Reasono, you will
allow me to say that you must prove it."
"Ay, ay, or me, either," put in Captain Poke,
waspishly.
"Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen," continued the philosopher, whose spirit appeared to be
much less moved by our doubts than ours were by
his position —" I should, in the first place, refer you
to history. All the monikin writers are agreed in
recording the gradual translation of the species
firom the human family-  "
" This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of
Leaphigh, but permit me to say that no human historian, from Moses down to Buffon, has ever taken
such a view of our respective races. There is not
a word in any of all these writers on the subject."
"How should there be, sir? —History is not a
prediction, but a record of the past. Their silence
is so much negative proof in our favor. Does
Tacitus, for instance, speak of the French revolution? Is not Herodotus silent on the subject of the
independence of the American continent?-or do
any of the Greek and Roman writers give us the
annals of' Stunin'tun.-a city whose foundations
were most probably laid some time after the commencement of the Christian era! It is morally
impossible that men or monikins can faithfully relate events that have never happened; and as it has
never yet happened to any man, who is still a man,
to be translated to the monikin state of being, it
follows, as a necessary consequence, that he can
know nothing about it. If you want historical
proofs, therefore, of what I say, you must search
15




170             THE MONIKINS.
the monikin annals for the evidence. There it is to
be found, with an infinity of curious details; and I
trust the time is not far distant, when I shall have
great pleasure in pointing out to you some of
the most approved chapters of our best writers
on this subject. But we are not confined to the
testimony of history, in establishing our condition
to be of the secondary formation. The internal
evidence is triumphant: we appeal to our simplicity, our philosophy, the state of the arts among us;
in short, to all those concurrent proofs which are
dependent on the highest possible state of civilization. In addition to this, we have the infallible
testimony which is to be derived from the development of our tails. Our system of caudology is, in
itself, a triumphant proof of the high improvement
of the monikin reason."
" Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono,
when I understand your system of caudology, or
tailology, to render it into the vernacular, to dogmatize on the possibility that the seat of reason in
a man, which to day is certainly in his brains, can
ever descend into a tail?"
"' If you deem development, improvement and
simplification, a descent, beyond a question, sir.
But your figure is a bad one, Sir John; for ocular
demonstration is before you, that a monikin can
carry his tail as high as a man can possibly carry
his head. Our species, in this sense, is morally
nicked; and it costs us no effort to be on a level
with human kings. We hold, with you, that the
brain is the seat of reason, while the animal is in
what we call the human probation, but that it is a
reason undeveloped, imperfect and confused; cased,
as it were, in an envelope unsuited to its functions:
but that, as it gradually oozes out of this straitened
receptacle, towards the base of the animal, it ao




THE MONIKINS.            17'
quires soliaity, lucidity, and, finally, by elongatiox
and development, point. If youexamine the humarn
brain, you will find it, though capable of being
stretched to a great length, compressed in a diminutive compass, involved and snarled; whereas the
same physical portion of the genus gets simplicity,
a beginning and an end, a directness and consecutiveness, that are necessary to logic, and, as has just
been mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which, by all analogy, go to prove the superiority of the animal possessing advantages so
great."
" Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be
found to prove more than you may wish. In vegetation, for instance, saps ascend for the purposes
of fructification and usefulness; and, reasoning from
the analogies of the vegetable world, it is far more
probable that tails have ascended into brains, than
that brains have descended into tails; and, consequenfty, that men are much more likely to be an
improvement on monkeys, than monkeys an improvement on men."
I spoke with warmth, I know; for the doctrine
of Dr. Reasono was new to me; and, by this time,
my esprit de corps had pretty effectually blinded
reflection.
"You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir
John," whispered Captain Poke at my elbow; " now,
if you are so disposed, I will wring the necks of
all these little blackguards, and throw them out of
the window."
I immediately intimated that any display of brute
force would militate directly against our cause;
as the object, just at that moment, was to be as
immaterial as possible.
"Well,well, manage it in your own way, Sir John,
and I'm quite as immaterial -as you can wish; but




172             THE MOtIKINS
should these cunning varments ra'ally get the better
of us in the argument, I shall never dare look at Miss
Poke, or show my face ag'in in Stunin'tun."
This little aside was secretly conducted, while
Dr. Reasono was drinking a glass of eau sucree;
but he soon returned to the sublject, with the dignified gravity that never forsook him.
"Your remark touching saps has the usual savor
of human ingenuity, blended, however, with the
proverbial short-sightedness of the species. It is
very true that saps ascend for the purposes of fructification; but what is this fructification, to which
you allude? It is no more than a false demonstration of the energies of the plant. For all the pur.
poses of growth, life, durability, and the final
conversion of the vegetable matter into an element,
the root is the seat of power and authority; and, in
particular, the tap-root above, or rather below all
others. This tap-root may be termed the tail of
vegetation. You may pluck fruits with impunity —
nay, you may even top all the branches, and the
tree shall survive; but, put the axe to the root, and
the pride of the forest falls!"
All this was too evidently true to be denied, and
I felt worried and badgered; for no man likes to be
beaten in a discussion of this sort, and more especially by a monkey. I bethought me of the elephant,
and determined to make one more thrust, by the
aid of his powerful tusks, before I gave up the point
"I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono," I put in
as soon as possible, "that your savans have not
been very happy in illustrating their theory by
means of the elephant. This animal, besides being
a mass of flesh, is too well provided with intellect
to be passed off for a dunce; and he not only has
one, but he might almost be said to be provided
with two tails."




THE NOMKINS.              173
"s That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the great warfare between itself and mind,
has gone on the principle of divide and conquer.
You are nearer the truth than you imagined, for
the trunk of the elephant is merely the abortion of a
tail; and yet, you see, it contains nearly all the intelligence that the animal possesses. On the subject of the
fate of the elephant, however, theory is confirmed
by actual experiment. Do not your geologists and
naturalists speak of the remains of animals, which
are no longer to be found among living things?"
"Certainly, sir; the mastodon-the megatherium,
iguanodon; and the plesiosaurus-  "
" And do you not also find unequivocal evidences
of animal matter incorporated with rocks?"
" This fact must be admitted, too."
"These phenomena, as you call them, are no
more than the final deposits which nature has made
in the cases of those creatures in which matter has
completely overcome its rival, mind. So soon as
the will is entirely extinct, the being ceases to live;
or it is no longer an animal. It falls and reverts
altogether to the element of matter. The processes
of decomposition and incorporation are longer, or
shorter, according to circumstances; and these
fossil remains of which your writers say so much,
are merely cases that have met with accidental
obstacles to their final decomposition. As respects
our two species, a very cursory examination of their
qualities ought to convince any candid mind of the
truth of our philosophy. Thus, the physical part
of man is much greater in proportion to the spiritual, than it is in the monikin; his habits are grosser
and less intellectual; he requires sauce and condiments in his food; he is farther removed from simplicity, and, by necessary implication, from high
civilization; he eats flesh, a certain proof that the
15*




1010'~4         THE MOff0ItS.
material principle is still strong in the ascendant;
he has no cauda    "
"On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire it
your scholars attach any weight to traditions?"
"The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin
tradition that our species is composed of men
refined, of diminished matter and augmented minds,
with the seat of reason extricated from the confinement and confusion of the caput, and extended,
unravelled, and rendered logical and consecutive,
in the cauda."
"Well, sir, we too have our traditions; and an
eminent writer, at no great distance of time, has"
laid it down as incontrovertible, that men once had
caudce."
" A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming events are known to cast their shadows before."
"Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his
position, by pointing to the stumps."
"He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for
a ruin! Such errors are not unfrequent with the
ardent and ingenious. That men will have tails, I
make no doubt; but that they have ever reached
this point of perfection, I do most solemnly deny.
There are many premonitory symptoms of their
approaching this condition; the current opinions
of the day, the dress, habits, fashions, and philosophy of the species, encourage the belief; but
hitherto you have never reached the enviable distinction. As to traditions, even your own are all
in favor of our theory. Thus, for instance, you
have a tradition that the earth was once peopled by
giants. Now, this is owing to the fact that men
were formerly more under the influence of matter,
and less under that of mind, than to-day. You admit
that you diminish in size, and improve in moral
attainments; all of which goes to establish the truth




THE MONIKINS.             175
of the monikin philosophy. You begin to lay less
stress on physical, and more on moral excellencies
and, in short, many things show that the time for
the final liberation and grand development of your
brains, is not far distant. This much I very gladly
concede; for, while the dogmas of our schools are
not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that
you are our fellow-creatures, though in a more
infant and less improved condition of society."
"K ing!"
Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of
taking a short intermission, in order to refresh
himself. I retired with Captain Poke, to have a
little communication with my fellow-mortal, under
tile peculiar circumstances in which we were placed,
and to ask his opinion of what had been said. Noah
swore bitterly at some of the conclusions of the
monikin philosopher, affirming he should like no
better sport than to hear him lecture in the streets
of Stunin'tun, where, he assured me, such doctrine
would not be tolerated any longer than was necessary to sharpen a harpoon, or to load a gun.
Indeed, he did not know but the Doctor would be
incontinently kicked over into Rhode Island, without ceremony.
" For that matter," continued the indignant old
sealer, "I should ask no better sport, than to have
permission to put the big toe of my right foot, under
full sail, against the part of the blackguard where
his beloved tail is stepped. That would soon bring
him to reason. Why, as for his caudce, if you
will believe me, Sir John, I once saw a man, on
the coast of Patagonia-a savage, to be sure, and
not, a philosopher, as this fellow pretends to bewho had an outrigger of this sort, as long as a
ship's ring-tail-boom. And what was he, after all,




176             THE MO0NIKIN'.
out a poor devil who did not know a sea-lion from
a grampus!"
This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind
considerably; and, laying aside the bison-skin, I
asked him to have the goodness to examine the localities, with some particularity, about the termination of the dorsal bone, in order to ascertain if there
were any encouraging signs to be discovered.
Capt. Poke put on his spectacles, for time had
brought the worthy mariner to their use, as he
said, " whenever he had occasion to read fine prir;"
and, after some time, I had the satisfaction to hear
him declare, that if it was a cauda I wanted, there
was as good a place to step one, as could be found
about any monkey in the universe; "and you have
only to say the word, Sir John, and I will just step
into the next room, and by the help of my knife
and a little judgment in choosing, I'll fit you out
with a jury-article, which, if there be any ra'al
vartue in thlis sort of thing, will qualify you at once:o be a judge, or, for that matter, a bishop."
We were now summoned again to the lectureroom, and I had barely time to thank Captain Poke
for his obliging offer, which circumstances just,hen, however, forbade mwv a"eptmng.




THa. MONIKINS             177
CHAPTER XII.
Dftter and better-A higher flight of reason-More obvious
truths, deeper philosophy, and facts that even an ostrich
might digest.
"I GLADLY quit what I fear some present may
have considered the personal part of my lecture,"
resumed Dr. Reasono, "to turn to those portions
of the theme that should possess a common interest,
awaken common pride, and excite common felicitations. I now propose to say a few words on that
part of our natural philosophy which is connected
with the planetary system, the monikin location,and, as a consequence from both, the creation of
the world."
"Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these interesting points, you will grant
me leave to inquire, en passant, Dr. Reasono, if
your savans receive the Mosaic account of the
creation or not."
"As far as it corroborates our own system, sir,
and no farther. There would be a manifest inconsistency in our giving an antagonist validity to any
hostile theory, let it come from Moses or Aaron;
as one of your native good sense and subsequent
cultivation will readily perceive."
"Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the
distinction your philosophers take in this matter, is
directly opposed to a very arbitrary canon in the
law of evidence, which dictates the necessity of
repudiating the whole of a witness's testimony,
when we repudiate a part."
" That may be a human, but it is not a monikin,
distinction. So far from admitting the soundness




178             THE MONIKINS.
of the principle, we hold that no monikin is ever
wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so long
as he remain in the least under the influence of
matter; and we therefore winnow the false from
the true, rejecting the former as worse than useless,
while we take the latter as the nutriment of facts."
"I now repeat my apologies for so often inter
rupting you, venerable and learned sir; and I en.
treat you will not waste another moment in replying
to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an
explanation of your planetary system, or of any
other little thing it may suit your convenience to
mention. When one listens to a real philosopher,
one is certain to learn something that is either useful or agreeable, let the subject be what it may."
"By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen," continued Dr. Reasono, "we divide the great component
parts of this earth into land and water. These two
principles we term the primary-elements. Human
philosophy has added air and fire to the list; but
these we reject either entirely, or admit them only
as secondary elements. That neither air nor fire is
a primary element, may be proved by experiment,
Thus, air can be formed, in the quality of gases
can be rendered pure or foul; is dependent on eva
poration, being no more than ordinary matter in a
state of high rarefaction. Fire has no independen,
existence; requires fuel for its support, and is evi
dently a property that is derived from the combina
tions of other principles. Thus, by putting two oi
more billets of wood together, by rapid friction you
produce fire. Abstract the air suddenly, and your
fire becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you
have the same result. From these two experiments
it is shown that fire has no independent existence,
and therefore is not an element. On the other hand,
take a billet of wood and let it be completely satu.




THE MONIKINS.             179
rated with water: the wood acquires a new property, (as also by the application of fire, which converts it into ashes and air,) fbr its specific gravity is
increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor
more readily, and yields less readily to the blow of
the axe. Place the same billet under a powerful
screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the billet,
and by a sufficient application of force, you will
have the wood, perfectly dry, left beneath the
screw, and the vessel will contain water. Thus
is it shown that land (all vegetable matter being no
more than fungi of the earth) is a primary element,
and that water is alsor a primary element; while air
and fire are not.
"Having established the elements, I shall, for
brevity's sake, suppose the world created. In the
beginning, the orb was placed in vacuum; stationary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of
what is now called its orbit. Its only revolution was
the diurnal."
"And the changes of the seasons?"
"Had not yet taken place. The days and nights
were equal; there were no eclipses; the same stars
were always visible. This state.of the earth is
supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have
continued about a thousand years, during which
time the struggle between mind and matter was
solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to
have made his appearance, so far as our documents
go to establish the fact, about the year of the world
one thousand and three. About this period, too, it
is supposed that fire was generated by the friction
of the earth's axis, while making the diurnal movement; or, as some imagine, by the friction of the
periphery of the orb, rubbing against vacuum at
the rate of so many thousand miles in a minute.
The fire penetrating the crust, soon got access to the




180             THE MORIKfIS.
bodies: of water that fill the cavities of the earth.
From this time is to be dated the existence of a
new and most important agent in the terrestrial
phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began
to appear, as the earth received warmth from
within  -"
"Pray, sir, may I ask in, what manner lan the
animals existed previously?"
"By feeding on each other. The strong devoured
the "Weak, until the most diminutive &of the animalcula was reached, when these turned on their persecutors, and, profiting by their insignificance,
commenced devouring the strongest. You find
daily parallels to this phenomenon in the history
of man.  He who, by his energy arid force, has
triumphed over his equals, is frequently the prey of
the insignificant and vile. You doubtless know that
the polar regions, even in the original attitude of
the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the
sun obliquely, must have possessed a less genial
climate than the parts of the orb that lie between
the arctic and the antarctic circles. This Was a
wise provision of Providence to prevent a premature occupation of those chosen regions, or to cause
them to be left uninhabited, until mind had so far
mastered matter, as to have brought into existence
the first monikin."
" May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer
the appearance of the first of your species?"
"To the Monikin Epocha, beyond a doubt, sirbut if you mean to ask in what year of the world
this event took place, I should answer, about the
year 4017. It is true, that certain of our writers
affect to think that divers men were approaching
to the sublimation of the monikin mind, previously to
this period; but the better opinion is, that these cases
were no more than what are termed premonitory




THE MONIKINS.             181
Thus, Socrates, Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid,
Zeno, Diogenes, and Seneca, were merely so many
admonishing types of the future condition of mail,
indicating their near approach to the monikin, or
to the final translation."'
"And Epicurus - "
" Was an exaggeration of the material prtne'ple,
that denoted the retrogression of a large portion of
the race towards brutality and matter. These phenomena are still of daily occurrence."
"Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr.
Reasono, that Socrates is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and rendered logically consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed
perchance into a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros,
with tusks, horns, and hide?"
"You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We
do not believe in transmigration in the individual
at all, but in the transmigration of classes. Thus,
we hold that whenever a given generation of men, in
a peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate,
a certain degree of moral improvement, or mentality,
as we term it in the schools, that there is an admixture of their qualities in masses, some believe by
scores, others think by hundreds, and others again
pretend by thousands; and if it is found, by the
analysis that is regularly instituted by nature, that
the proportions are just, the material is consigned
to the monikin birth; if not, it is repudiated, and
either kneaded anew for another human experiment, or consigned to the vast stores of dormant
matter. Thus all individuality, so far as it is connected with the past, is lost."
"But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the
most important of your propositions; whlie you
admit that a want of a change in the seasons would
bo a consequence of the perpendictlli'+- of.the
16




182            ErHE MONIKINIS.
earth's axis to the plane of its present orbit, this
change in the seasons is a matter not to be denied.
Flesh and blood testify against you here, no less
than reason."
"I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously
to the birth of the monikinia; since which time a
great, salutary, harmonious, and contemplated alteration has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar
regions for the new species, with divers obvious and
benevolent purposes. It was rendered uninhabitable
by the obliquity of the sun's rays; and though matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales, with an
instinct of its antagonist destination, had frequently
invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the
remains of the first embedded in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of struggling against
destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great
truth in the instance of the others; who, if they did
enter the polar basins as masters of the great deep,
either left their bones there, or returned in the same
characters as they went. From the appearance of
animal nature on the earth, down to the period
when the monikin race arose, the regions in question were not only uninhabited, but virtually uninhabitable. When, however, Nature, always wary,
wise, beneficent, and never to be thwarted, had
prepared the way, those phenomena were exhibited
that cleared the road for the new species. I have
alluded to the internal struggle between fire and
water, and to their progeny, steam. This new
agent was now required to act. A moment's
attention to the manner in which the next great
step in the progress of civilization was made, will
show with what foresight and calculation our come.
mon mother had established her laws. The earth
is flattened at the poles, as is well imagined by
some of the human philosophers, in consequence




THE MONIKINS.             183
of its diurnal movement commencing while the ball
was still in a state of fusion, which naturally threw
off a portion of the unkneaded matter, towards the
periphery. This was not done without the design
of accomplishing a desired end. The matter that
was thus accumulated at the equator, was necessarily abstracted from other parts; and, in this manner, the crust of the globe became thinnest at the
poles. When a sufficiency of steam had been generated in the centre of the ball, a safety-valve was
evidently necessary to prevent a total disruption.
As there was no other mach[last than Nature, she
worked with her own tools, and agreeably to her
own established laws. The thinnest portions of the
crust opportunely yielded to prevent a catastrophe,
when the superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in
a right line with the earth's axis, into vacuum.
This phenomenon occurred, as nearly as we have
been able to ascertain, about the year 700 before
the Christian era commenced, or some two centuries previously to the birth of the first moniki.ns."
"And why so early, may I presume to inquire,
Doctor?"
"Simply that there might be time for the new
climate to melt the ice that had accumulated about
the islands and continents of that region, (for it
was only at the southern extremity of the earth
that the explosion had taken place,) in the course
of so many centuries. Two hundred and seventy
years of the active and unremitted agency of steam
sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of
which, the monikin race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole territory, together
with its blessed fruits."
"Am  I to understand," asked Captain Poke,
with more interest than he had before manifested
in the philosopher's lecture, " that your folks, when




184             THPB MON IMarNS.
at hum', live to the south'ard of the belt of ice that
we mariners always fall in with somewhere about
the parallel of 770 south latitude?"
"Preciselv so-alas  that we should, this day,
be so far from those regions of peace, delight, intel.
ligenoe, and salubrity! But the will of Providence
be done!-doubtless, there is a wise motive for our
captivity and sufferings, which may yet lead to the
further glory of the monikin race!"
"Will you have the kindness tO proceed with
your explanations, Doctor? If you deny the annual
revolution of the earth, in what manner do you
account for the changes of the seasons, and other
astronomical picnomena, such as the eclipses which
so frequently occur?"
"You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted," the philosopher hurriedly rejoined, hastily
and covertly dashing a tear from his eye. "Prosperity produced some of its usual effects, among
the founders of our species. For a few centuries,
they went on multiplying in numbers, elongating
and rendering still more consecutive their caudae,
improving in knowledge and the arts, until some
spirits, more audacious than the rest, became restive
under the slow march of events, which led them
towards perfection at a rate ill-suited to their fiery
impatience. At this time, the mechanic arts were
at the highest pitch of perfection amongst us-we
have since, in a great measure, abandoned them,
as unsuited to, and unnecessary for, an advanced
state of civilization-we wore clothes, constructed
canals, and effected other works that were greatly
esteemed among the species from which we had
emigrated. At this time, also, the whole monikin
family lived together as one people, enjoyed the
same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a




THE MONIKINS.            185
political sect arose in the regiom, under.he direction
of misguided and hot-headed leaders, who brought
down upon us the just judgment of Providence, and
a multitude of evils that it will require ages to
remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious
fanaticism and philosophical sophisms, to attain its
ends. It grew rapidly in power and numbers; for
we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to
observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute overt acts of treason against
the laws of Providence itself. The first violent
demonstration of its madness and folly, was setting
up the doctrine that injustice had been done the
monikin race, by causing the safety-valve of the
world to be opened within their region. Although
we were manifestly indebted to this very circumstance for the benignity of our climate, the value
of our possessions, the general healthfulness of our
families-nay, for our separate existence itself, as
an independent species, yet did these excited and
ill-judging wretches absolutely wage war upon the
most benevolent and the most unequivocal friend
they had. Specious premises led to theories, theories to declamations, declamation to combination,
combination to denunciation, and denunciation to
open hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated
for two generations, when the necessary degree of
madness having been excited, the leaders of the
party, who by this time had worked themselves,
through their hobby, into the general control of the
monikin affairs, called a meeting of all their partisans, and passed certain resolutions, which will
never be blotted from the monikin memory, so fatal
were their consequences, so ruinous, for a time,
their effects! They were conceived in the following terms: —
16*




186             THE MON1KINS.
"AT a full and overflowing meeting of the most
monikinized of the monikin race, holden at the house
of Peleg Pat, (we still used the human appellations.
at that epoch,) in the year of the world 3,007, and
of the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called
to the chair, and Ready Quill was named secretary
"After several excellent and eloquent addresses
from all present, it was unanimously resolved as
follows, viz.
"That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and
that it deserves to be denounced by all patriotic
and true monikins.
"That we deem it the height of oppression and
injustice in Nature, that she has placed the great
safety-valve of the world, within the lawful limits
of the m6nikin territories.
" That the said safety-valve ought to be removes
forthwith; and that it shall be so removed, peace
ably if it can, forcibly if it must.
" That we cordially approve of the sentiments of
John Jaw, our present estimable chief magistrate,
the incorruptible partisan, the undaunted friend of
his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam
and the sound, pure, orthodox, and true monikin.
" That we recommend the said Jaw to the confi
dence of all monikins.
" That we call upon the country to sustain us in
our great, holy, and glorious design, pledging our
selves, posterity, the bones of our ancestors, and at
who have gone before or who may come afte~
us, to the faithful execution of our intentions.
"Signed,
"PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.
"READY QUILL, Secretary."
"No sooner were these resolutions promulgated,
(for instead of beirg passed at a full meeting, it is




THE MONIKINS.             187
now understood they were drawn up between
Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dictation of Mr. Jaw,) than the public mind began
seriously to meditate proceeding to extremities.
That perfection in the mechanic arts which had
hitherto formed our pride and boast, now proved
to be our greatest enemy. It is thought that the
leaders of this ill-directed party meant, in truth,
to confine themselves to certain electioneering
effects; but who can stay the torrent, or avert the
current of prejudice!  The stream  was setting
against steam; the whole invention of the species
was put in motion; and in one year from the passage of the resolutions I have recited, mountains
were transported, endless piles of rocks were
thrown into the gulf, arches were constructed, and
the hole of the safety-valve was hermetically
sealed. You will form some idea of the-waste of
intelligence and energy on this occasion, when I
add, that it was found, by actual observation, that
this artificial portion of the earth was thicker,
stronger, and more likely to be durable than the
natural. So far did infatuation lead the victims,
that they actually caused the whole region to be
sounded, and, having ascertained the precise locality of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw,
and all the most zealous of his followers, removed
to the spot, where they established the seat of
their government in triumph. All this time Nature
rested upon her arms, in the quiet of conscious
force. It was not long, however, before our ancestors began to perceive the consequences of their
act, in the increase of the cold, in the scarcity of
fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice.
The monikin enthusiasm is easily awakened in
favor of any plausible theory, but it invariably
vields to physical pressure. No doubt the human




188            THE MONIKITN
race, better furnished with the material of physical
resistance, does not exhibit so much of this weakness, but  -"
"Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor.
I find so many points of resemblance between us
that I really begin to think we must have had the
same origin; and if you would only admit that
man is of the secondary formation and the monikins of the primary, I would accept the whole of
your philosophy without a moment's delay."
"As such an admission would be contrary to
both fact and doctrine, I trust, my dear sir, you
will see the utter impossibility of a Professor in
the University of Leaphigh making the concession, even in this remote part of the world.-As I
was about to observe, the people began to betray
uneasiness at the increasing and constant inclemency of the weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it
necessary to stimulate their passions by a new
development of his principles. His friends and
partisans were all assembled in the great square
of the new capital, and the following resolutions
were, to use the language of a handbill that is still
preserved in the archives of the Leaphigh Historical Society, (for it would seem they were printed
before they were passed,) " unanimously, enthuspastically, and finally adopted," viz.
Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost
contempt for steam.
Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and
sterility, and all other natural disadvantages.
Resolved, That we will live for ever.
Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked,
as the most effectual means of setting the frost at
defiance.




THE M0NLIINS.            189
Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest
cart of the earth's crust in the polar regions.
Resolved, That henceforth we will support no
monikin for any public trust, who will not give a
pledge to put out all his fires, and to dispense with
cooking altogether.
Resolved, That we are animated by the true
spirit of patriotism, reason, good faith, and firmnless.
Resolved, That this meeting now adjo-urn sine die.
"We are told that the last resolution was just
carried by acclamation, when Nature arose in her
might, and took ample vengeance for all her
wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst, with
a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as the
thinnest part of the workmanship, not only Mr.
John Jaw, and all his partisans, but forty thousand
square miles of territory. The last that was seen
of them was about thirty seconds after the occurrence of the explosion, when the whole mass disappeared near the northern horizon, going at a
rate a little surpassing that of a cannon-ball which
has just left its gun."
"King!" exclaimed Noah; ":that is what we
sailors call, to cut and run."
" Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his
companions, my good Doctor?"
"Nothing that could be depended on. Some of
our naturalists assume that the monkeys which
frequent the other parts of the earth are their
descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost
their reasoning powers, while, at the same time,
they show glimmerings of their origin. This is,
in truth, the better opinion of our saCans; and it
is usual with us, to distinguish all the human species of monkeys by the name of c" the lost moni



190             THE MONIKINS.
kins." Since my captivity, chance has thrown
me in the way of several of these animals, who
were equally under the control of the cruel Savoyards; and in conversing with them, in order to
inquire into their traditions and to trace the analogies of language, I have been led to think there is
some foundation for the opinion. Of this, however, hereafter."
" Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty
thousand square miles of territory?"
"' Of that, we have a better account; for one of
our vessels, which was far to the northward, on an
exploring expedition, fell in with it in longitude 20
from Leaphigh, latitude 6~ S., and by her means
it was ascertained that divers islands had been
already formed by falling fragments; and, judging
from the direction of the main body when last
seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and
various geological proofs, we hold that the great
western Archipelago is the deposit of the remainder."
"And the monikin region, sir,-what was the
consequence of this phenomenon to that part of
the world?"
"Awful-sublime-various-and durable! The
more important, or the personal consequences,
shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of the
monikin species was scalded to death. A great
many contracted asthmas and other diseases of
the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges
were swept away by the sudden melting of the
snows, and large stores of provisions were spoilt
by the unexpected appearance and violent character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among
the unpleasant consequences. Among the pleasant,
we esteem a final and agreeable melioration of the
climate, which regained most of its ancient char.




THE MONIKINS.            191
acter, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our
caudae, by a sudden acquisition of wisdom.
"The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences,
were as follow.-By the suddenness and force
with which so much steam rushed into space, finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the
earth was canted from its perpendicular attitude,
and remained fixed with its axis having an inclination of 230 2700 to the plane of its orbit. At the
same time, the orb began to move in vacuum, and,
restrained by antagonist attractions, to perform
what is called its annual revolution."
"I can very well understand, friend Reasono,"
observed Noah, "why the'arth should heel under
so sudden a flaw, though a well-ballasted ship
would right again when the puff was over; but I
cannot understand how a little steam leaking out
at one end of a craft should set her a-going at the
rate we are told this world travels?"
"If the escape of the steam were constant, the
diurnal motion giving it every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in its orbit,
of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this
escape of the steam has the character of pulsation,
being periodical and regular, nature has ordained
that it shall occur but once in the twenty-four hours,
and this at such a time as to render its action uniform, and its impulsion always in the same direction. The principle on which the earth receives
this impetus, can be easily illustrated by a familiar
experiment. Take, for instance, a double-barrelled
fowling-piece, load both barrels with extra quantities of powder, introduce a ball and two wads
into each barrel, place the breech within 41-A-?y
inches of the abdomen, and take care to fire both
barrels at once. In this case, the balls will give
an example of the action of the forty thousand




192            THE MONIKINS.
square miles of territory, and the person experi
menting will not fail to imitate the impulsion, or
the backward movement, of the earth.'
"While I do not deny that such an experiment
would be likely to set both parties in motion, friend
Reasono, I do not see why the'arth should not finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he
had got through with hopping, and kicking, and
swearing."
"The reason why the earth, once set in motion
in vacuum, does not stop, can also be elucidated
by experiment, as follows.-Take Captain Noah
Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and
the power of motion; lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay three sous, which will gain
him admission to the base of the column; let him
ascend to the summit; thence let him leap with all
his energy, in a direction at right angles with the
shaft of the column, into the open air; and it will
be found that, though the original impulsion would
not probably impel the body more than ten or
twelve feet, motion would continue until it had
reached the earth. —Corollary: hence it is proved,
that all bodies in which the vis inertia has been
overcome, will continue in motion, until they come
in contact with some power capable of stopping
them."
"King! —Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the'arth makes its circuit, as much owing to this said
steam of yours shoving, as it were, always a little
on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as a
rudder, which causes her to keep waring, as we
seamen call it, and as big crafts take more room
than small ones in waring, why, she is compelled
to run so many millions of miles before, as it might
be, she comes up to the wind ag'in? Now, there
is reason in such an idee; whereas, I never could




THE MONIKINS.             193
reconcile it to my natur', that these little bits of
stars should keep a craft like the'arth in her
course, with such a devil of a way on her, as we
know in reason she must have, to run so far in a
twelve-month. Why, the smallest yaw-and, for
a hooker of her keel, a thousand miles would n't
be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a ship —
the smallest yaw would send her aboard of the
Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a
smashing of out-board work such as mortal never
before witnessed!"
"' We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy
of attraction, sir; —-nor do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own objection."
"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us
suppose there was a steamer with a hundred miles
of keel; let us suppose the steam up, and the craft
with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash'd
hard a-port, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the hour, without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time. Now, all this being
admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir,
any child could tell you, she would keep turning
in a circle of some fifty or a hundred thousand
miles in circumference; and such, it appears to me,
it is much more rational to suppose is the natur' of
the'arth's traversing, than all this steering-small
among stars and attractions."
"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your suggestion; and I propose that
you shall profit by the first occasion to lay your
opinions on the subject, more at large, before tne
Academy of Leaphigh."
('With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that
knowledge, like good liquor, is given to be passed
round from one to another, and not to be gulped
in a corner by any particular individle,  And
17




194             THE MONIKINS.
now I'm throwing out hints of this natur', I will
just intimate another, that you may add to your
next demonstration, by way of what you call a
corollary:-which is this,-that is to say-if all
you tell us about the bursting of the boiler and the
polar kick be true, then is the'arth the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings of
the French, and the English, and the Spaniards,
and the Italians, on this point, are no more than
so much smoke."
"'And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke,'
I ventured to observe.
" Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. —1
don't well see how Fulton could have stolen the
idee, seeing that he did not know the Doctor,
and most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his
life."
We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa,
at the nicety of the navigator's distinctions; and
the philosopher's lecture, in its more didactic
form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions were put by Captain
Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly answered by the Doctor and his friends.
At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he
was, and much as he loved science, had not given
himself all this trouble, without a view to what
are called ulterior considerations, came out with
a frank expose of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means for gratifying the
burning desire I betrayed to be let into further de
tails of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and
all the other great social interests of the part of
the world they inhabit. I was. wealthy beyond
bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel
would be an expenditure of no moment; both the




THE MONIKINS.            195
Doctor and Lord Chatterino were good practical
geographers, after they were once within the parallel of 77~ south, and Captain Poke, according to
his own account of himself, had passed half his life
in poking about among the sterile and uninhabited
islands of the frozen ocean. What was there to
prevent the most earnest wishes of all present
from being gratified? The Cautain was out of
employment, and no doubt, would be glad to get
the command of a good tight sea-boat; the
strangers pined for home, and it was my most
ardent wish to increase my stake in society, by
taking a further interest in monikins.
On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the
old sealer, to undertake the task of restoring these
amiable and enlightened strangers to their own
fire-sides and families. The Captaiu soon began
to discover a little of his'Stunin'tun propensity;
for, the more I pressed the matter on him, the
more readily he found objections. The several
motives he urged for declining the proposal, may
be succinctly given as follows: —
It was true that he wanted employment, but
then he wanted to see Stunin'tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors; it
was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might
be still less of one to find our way back again; he
had seen the bodies of dead seals and bears that
were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, for
any thing he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and, for his part, he should like to be
buried when he was good for nothing else; how
did he know these monikins might not;catch the
men, when they had once fairly got them in their
country, and strip them, and make them throw sum
mersets, as the Savoyards had compelled the Doctor, and even the Lady Chatterissa, to do?-he knew




196            THE MONIKINS.
he should break his neck the very first flap-jack;
if he were ten years younger, perhaps he should
like the frolic; he did not believe the right sort of
craft could be found in England, and, for his part,
he liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he
didn't know but he might go, if he had a crew
of Stunin'tunners; he always knew how to get
along with such people; he could scare one by
threatening to tell his.marm how he behaved, and
bring another to reason by hinting that the gals
would shy him, if he wasn't more accommodating;
then there might be no such place as Leaphigh,
after all; or, if there was, he might never find
it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin
being a heavy load to carry in the calm latitudes;
and finally, that he didn't exactly see what he was
to get by it."
These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which they were made, and commencing with the last.
I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's eyes, though he shook his head,
as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested that there was no doubt we should discover
certain islands that were well stored with seals,
and that I would waive all claims as owner, and
that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to
his own private account. At this bait he nibbled,
and, at one time, I thought he was about to suffer
himself to be caught. But he remained obstinate.
After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling
the amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr. Reasono
luckily bethought him of the universal engine of
human weakness, and the old sealer, who had
resisted money-an influence of known efficacy




THE MONIKINS.             197
at Stunin'tun —ambition, the secret of new sealing
grounds, and all the ordinary inducements that
might be thought to have weight with men of his
class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity!
The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the plea.
sure there would be in reading a paper before the
academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of the captain's
peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolution, and of the virtue of sailing planets with their
helms lashed hard-a-port, when all the dogmatical
old navigator's scruples melted away like snow in
a thaw.
CHAPTER XIII.
A chapter of preparations-Discrimination in character-A
tight fit, and other conveniences, with some judgment.
I SHALL pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During this time, the whole party
was transferred to England, a proper ship had been
bought and equipped, the family of strangers were
put in quiet possession of their cabins, and I had
made all my arrangements for being absent from
England for the next two years. The vessel was
a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred tons burthen, and had been properly constructed to encounter the dangers of the ice. Her
accommodations were suitably arranged to meet
all the exigencies of both monikin and human wants,
the apartments of the ladies being very properly
separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered decorous and commodious. The
Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their private room the gynecde, which, as I afterwards ascer.
17*




198             THE MONIKINS.
tained, was a term for the women's apartments,,btained from the Greek, the monikins being quite
as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing
their acquirements by the introduction of words
from foreign tongues.
Noah showed great care in the selection of the
ship's company, the service being known to be
arduous, and the duties of a very responsible character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly to Liverpool, (the ship lying in the Greenland
Dock at London,) where he was fortunate enough
to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two
Norwegians and a Swede, all of whom had been
accustomed to cruising as near the poles as ordinary men ever succeed in reaching. He was also
well suited in his cook and mates; but I observed
that he had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy
to his mind. More than twenty applicants were
rejected, some for the want of one qualification, and
some for the want of another. As I was present
at several examinations of different candidates for
the office, I got a little insight into his manner of
ascertaining their respective merits.
The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum, and a pitcher of water, before the lad,
and to order him to try his hand at mixing a glass
of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected
for manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the
juste milieu, in this important part of the duty of a
cabin-boy. Most of the candidates, however, were
reasonably expert in the art; and the captain soon
came to the next requisite, which was, to say "Sir,"
in a tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-trap and the mendicant
whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for
deficiencies on this score, the captain remarking
that most of them "were the sa'ciest blackguards"
he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at




THE MONIKINS.            199
length, found one who could mix a tumbler of
grog, and answer " Sir," to his liking, he proceeded
to make experiments on their abilities in carrying
a soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in wiping plates
without a napkin, and without using their shirtsleeves; in snuffing candles with their fingers; in
making a soft bed with few materials besides
boards; in mixing the various compounds of burgoo,
lob-skous, and dough, (which he affectedly pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and
ducks on the sweepings of the deck; in looking at
molasses without licking his lips; and in various other
similar accomplishments, which he maintained were
as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their
singing-books and the ten commandments. The
nineteenth candidate to my uninstructed eyes seemed
perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want of a
quality that he declared was indispensable to the
quiet of the ship. It appeared he was too bony
about an essential part of his anatomy, a peculiarity
that was very dangerous to a captain, as he himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe
out of joint, by kicking one of these ill-formed
youngsters with unpremeditated violence; a thing
that was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry.
Luckily, number twenty passed, and was immediately promoted to the vacant birth. The very
next day the ship put to sea, in good condition, and
with every prospect of a fortunate voyage.
I will here state that a general election occurred
the week before we sailed; and I ran down to
Householder and got myself returned, in order to
protect the interests of those who had a natural
right to look up to me for that small favor.
We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly
Islands over the taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel, in good earnest. Coming down




200             THFE MONIKINS.
channel, he had done little more than rummage
about in the cabin, examine the lockers, and make
his foot acquainted with the anatomy of poor Bob.
as the cabin-boy was called; who, Judging from the
amount of the captain's practice, was admirably
well suited for his station, in the great requisite of
a kickee. But, the last hold of the land loosened
by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came
forth in his true colours, and showed the stuff of
which he was really made. The first thing he did
was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard,
bowline and brace in the ship; he then rattled off
both mates, in order to show them (as he afterwards
told me in confidence) that he was captain of his
own vessel; gave the people to understand he did
not like to speak twice on the same subject and on
the same occasion, which he said was a privilege
he very willingly left to congress-men and women;
and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all
around him.
A week after we had taken our departure, I
ventured to ask Captain Poke if it might not be well
enough to take an observation, and. to resort to
some means in order to know where the ship was.
Noah treated this idea with great disrespect. He
could see no use in wearing out quadrants without
any necessity for it. Our course was south, we
knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we
had to do was to keep America on the starboard,
and Africa on the larboard, hand. To be sure, there
was something to be said about the trades, and a
little allowance to be made for currents, now and
then; but he and the ship would get to be better
acquainted before a great while, and then all would
go on like clockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on deck just as day dawned, and to
my surprise Noah, who was in his birth, called out




THE MONIKINS.           201
jo the mate, through the sky-light, to let him know
exactly how the land bore. No one had yet seen
any land; but at this summons we began to look
about us, and sure enough there was an island
dimly visible in the eastern board! Its position by
compass was immediately communicated to the
captain, who seemed well satisfied with the result.
Renewing his admonition to the officer of the deck
to take care and keep Africa on the larboard hand,
he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.
I afterwards understood from the mates, that we
had made a very capital fall upon the trades, and
that we were getting on wonderfully well, though
it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was
to me, how the captain could know where the ship
was; for he had not touched his quadrant, except
to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we left
England. About a fortnight after we had passed
the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great
rage, and began to storm at the mate and the man
at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course.
To this the former answered with spirit, that the
only order he had received in a fortnight, was "to
keep her jogging south, allowing for variation," and
that she was heading at that moment according to
orders. Hereupon Noah gave Bob, who happened
to pass him just then, a smart application a posteriori, and swore "that the compass was as big a fool
as the mate; that the ship was two points off her
course; that south was hereaway, and not thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it
had no northin' in it, and we had got it away on
the quarter, whereas it ought to be for'ard of the
beam; that we were running for Rio instead of
Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to
the latter country, we must haul up on a good taut
bowline." The mate, to my surprise, suddenly acqui



202             THE MONIKINS.
esced, and immediately brought the ship by the
wind. He afterwards told me, in a half whisper,
that the second mate having been sharpening some
harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close
to the binnacle; and that, in fact, the magnet had
been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man
at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to
the real points of the compass. I must say this
little occurrence greatly encouraged me, leaving
no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as
Tar, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates
the human from the monikin region. Profiting by
this feeling of security, I now began to revive the
intercourse with the strangers, which had been partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable
circumstances of a sea life.
The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is
much the case with females at sea, rarely left the
gynecee; but, as we drew near the equator, the philosopher and the young peer passed most of their
time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent
half of the mild nights in discussing subjects connected with my future travels; and, as soon as we
were well clear of the rain and the thunder and
lightning of the calm latitudes, Captain Poke,
Robert, and myself, began to study the language of
Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this
arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it
convenient to take him on shore with us, since a
wish to conceal my destination had induced me to
bring no servant along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor of
the acquisition. The whole language was spoken
and written on a system of decimals, which render.
ed it particularly easy, after the elementary princi.
ples were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human
tongues, in which the rule usually forms the excep



TIIE MONIKINS.           203
tion, no departure from its laws was ever allowed,
under the penalty of the pillory. This provision,
the captain protested, was the best rule of them all,
and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew
by experience, a man might be a perfect adept in
the language of Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at
in New-York for his pains. The comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage; though, like all other eminent advantages or
excessive good, it was the next-door neighbor to as
great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino obligingly explained, "we-witch-it- me-cum," means
"Madam, I love you from the crown of my head
to the tip of my tail; and as I love no other half as
well, it would make me the happiest monikin on
earth, if you would consent to become my wife,
that we might be models of domestic propriety
before all eyes, from this time henceforth and for
ever." In short, it was the usual and the most solemn
expression for asking in marriage; and, by the laws
of the land, was binding on the proposer until as
formally declined by the other party. But, unluckily, the word "we-switch-it-me-cum," means "Madam, I love you from the crown of my head to the
tip of my tail; and, if I did not love another better,
it would make me the happiest monikin on earth,
if you would consent to become my wife, that we
might be models of domestic propriety before all
eyes, from this time henceforth and for ever."
Now this distinction, subtle and insignificant as it
was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal of
heart-burning and disappointment among the young
people of Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had
grown out of this cause, and two great political
parties had taken root in tile unfortunate mistake
of a young monikin of quality, who happened to
lisp, and who used the fatal word indiscreetly




204             THE MONIKINS.
That feud, however, was now happily appeased
having lasted only a century; but it would be wise,
as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the
distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the
whole, he was sufficiently safe, as he was much
accustomed to the use of the word "switchel;" but
he thought it might be very well to go before some
consul, as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a
formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties,
lest some advantage should be taken of us by the
reptiles of lawyers; that he in particular was not a
bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious
as a hurricane, if, by an accident, he should happen
to forget himself. The matter was deferred for
future deliberation.
About this time, too, I had some more interesting
communications with Dr. Reasono, on the subject
of the private histories of all the party of which he
was the principal member. It would seem that the
philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of the best developed caudae in the
entire monikin world, was poor in the more vulgar
attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed
freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy,
and through the medium of the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an
especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the
shape of a pupil, in order to provide for the small
remains of the animal that still lingered in his habits.
Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of the
noblest and wealthiest, as well as one of the most
ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his
instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady
Chatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very
much the same objects. This young and accomplished pair had early distinguished each other, in
monikin society, for their unusual graces of person,
general attainments, mutual amiableness of disposi



rHE MONIKINS.            205
tion, harmony of thought, and soundness of principles. Every thing was propitious to the gentle
flame which was kindled in the vestal bosom of
Chatterissa, and which was met by a passion so
ardent, and so respectful, as that which glowed in
the heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the
respective parties, so soon as the budding sympathy
between them was observed, in order to prevent
the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in
the aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of
Leaphigh, an officer especially appointed by the
king in council, whose duty it is to take cognizance
of the proprieties of all engagements that are likely
to assume a character as grave and durable as that
of marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the Marriage Department on this
occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he had
contrived to conceal within the lining of the Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear,
and which he still preserved as a document that
was absolutely indispensable on his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to travel a
foot in company with two young people of birth
and of good estates, who were of the different sexes.
I translate the certificate, as literally as the poverty
of the English language will allow.
EXTRACT from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, season of nuts, day of
brightness.
Vol. 7243, p. 82.
Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,9521: acres of
and; meadow, arable and wood in just proportions.
Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 1 15,999  acres of
and; mostly arable.
Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands
18




206             THE MONIKINS.
of my Lady Chatterissa possess in quality what
they want in quantity.
Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure;
one bastardy-four descents pure-a suspicion —.
one descent pure-a certainty.
Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents purethree bastardies-eleven descents pure-a certainty-a suspicion-unknown.
Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side of my Lord Chatterino, but the
excellence of the estate on the other side is believed
to equalize the parties.
(Signed) No. 6 ermine.     A true copy,
(Counter signed)    No. 1,000,003 ink-color.
Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of
Trial together, under the charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the University
of Leaphigh, L. L. D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs.
Vigilance Lynx, licensed duenna.
The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it might be so usefully introduced
into our own, that it may be well to explain it.
Whenever it is found that a young couple are
agreeable (to use a peculiarly anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential requisites of matrimony, they are sent on the journey in question,
under the care of prudent and experienced mentors,
with a view to ascertain how far they may be able to
support, in each other's society, the ordinary vicissi.
tudes of life. In the case of candidates of the more vulgar classes, there are official overseers, who usually
drag them through a few mud-puddles, and then
set them to work at some hard labor that is espe.
cially profitable to the public functionaries, who
commonly get the greater part of their own year's
work done in this manner. But, as the moral pro.




THE MONIKINS.             207
visions of all laws are invented less for those who
own 126,9523 acres of land, divided into meadow,
arable and wood, in just proportions, than for those
whose virtues are more likely to vield to the fiery
ordeal of temptation, the rich and noble, after
making a proper and useful manifestation of their
compliance with the usage, ordinarily retire to
their country-seats, where they pass the period of
probation as agreeably as they can; taking care
to cause to be inserted in the Leaphigh gazette,
however, occasional extracts from their letters,
describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure, for the consolation and edification
*of those who have neither birth nor country-houses.
In a good many instances the journey is actually
performed by proxy. But the case of my Lord
Chatterino and my Lady Chatterissa formed an
exception even to these exceptions. It was thought
by the authorities, that the attachment of a pair so
illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish the
Leaphigh impartiality; and, on the well-known
principle which induces us sometimes to hang an
Earl in England, the young couple was commanded actually to go forth with all useful eclat, (secret
orders being given to their guardians to allow
every possible indulgence, at the same time,) in
order that the lieges might see and exult in the
sternness and integrity of their rulers.
Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for the mountains, where he
instructed his wards in a practical commentary o
the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the
verges of precipices and in the delights of the most
fertile valleys, (which, as he justly observed, was
the greater danger of the two,) leading them over
flinty paths, hungry and cold, in order to try their
empers; and setting up establishments with the




208             THE MONIKINS.
most awkward peasants for servants, to ascertain
the depth of Chatterissa's philosophy; with a vari.
ety of similar ingenious devices, that will readily
suggest themselves to all who have any matrimo.
nial experience, whether they live in palaces or
cottages. When this part of the trial was successully terminated, (the result having shown that the
gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as mere temper was concerned,) the whole party was ordered
off to the barrier of ice, which divides the monikin
from the human region, with a view to ascertain
whether the warmth of their attachment was of a
nature likely to resist the freezing collisions of the
world. Here, unfortunately, (for the truth must be
said,) an unlucky desire of Dr. Reasono, who was
already F. U. D. G.E., but who had a devouring
ambition to become also M. O.R.E., led him into the
extreme imprudence of pushing through an opening,
where he had formerly discovered an island, on an
ancient expedition of the same sort; and on which
island he thought he saw a rock, that formed a
stratum of what he believed to be a portion of the
43,000 square miles, that were discomposed by
the great eruption of the earth's boiler. The philosopher foresaw a thousand interesting results that
were dependent on the ascertaining of this important fact; for all the learning of Leaphigh having
been exhausted, some five hundred years before, in
establishing the greatest distance to which any fragment had been thrown on that memorable occasion,
great attention had latterly been given to the discovery of the least distance any fragment had been
hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the consequences of a learned zeal,but it was entirely owing
to this indiscretion that the whole party fell into the
hands of certain mariners who were sealing on the
northern shores of this very island, (friends and




THE MONIKINS.            209
neighbouis, as it afterwards appeared, of Captain
Poke,) who remorselessly seized upon the travellers,
and sold them to a homeward-bound Indiaman,
which they afterwards fell in with, near the island
of St. Helena-St. Helena! the tomb of him who is
a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his
desires, the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration for truth, profound reverence for justice,
unwavering faith, and a clear appreciation of all
the nobler virtues!
We came in sight of the island in question, just
as Dr. Reasono concluded his interesting narrative;
and, turning to Captain Poke, I solemnly asked
that discerning and shrewd seaman,"If he did not think the future would fully
avenge itself of the past-if history would not do
ample justice to the mighty dead-if certain names
would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for
chaining a hero to a rock; and whether his country,
the land of freemen, would ever have disgraced
itself, by such an act of barbarism and vengeance?"
The Captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself to some tobacco, he
replied:"Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we
catch a ferocious crittur',we always put it in a cage.
I'm no great mathematician, as I've often told you;
but if my dog bites me once, I kick him-twice, I
beat him —thrice, I chain him."
Alas!-there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they have no sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct and common
sense-like. To such men, Napoleon appears little
better than one who lived among his fellows more
in the character of a tiger than in that of a man.
They condemn him because he could not reduce
his own sense of the attributes of greatness to the
18*




210             THE MONIKINS.
level of their homebred morality. Among this
number, it would now seem, was to be classed
Captain Noah Poke.
A wish to relate the manner in which Dr.
Reasono and his companions fell into human
hands, has caused me to overlook one or two
matters of lighter moment, that should not, in
justice to myself, however, be entirely omitted.
When we had been at sea two days, a very
agreeable surprise for the monikin party, was
prepared and executed. I had caused a certain
number of jackets and trowsers to be made of
the skins of different animals, such as dogs, cats,
sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, &c. &c., with the
proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and
claws; and, when the ladies came on deck, after
breakfast, their eyes were no longer offended by
our rude innovations upon nature, but the whole
crew were flying about the rigging, like so many
animals of the different species named. Noah
and myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions,
the former having intimated that he understood the
nature of that beast better than any other. Of
course, this delicate attention was properly appre
ciated, and handsomely acknowledged.
I had taken the precaution to order imitationskins to be made of cotton, which were worn in
the low latitudes; and, as we got near the Falkland Islands, the real skins were resumed, with
promptitude, and I might add, with pleasure.
Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme, saying that he should not feel
safe in a ship manned and officered altogether by
wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the
thing as a good joke, never failing to hail the men,
not by their names as formerly, but, as he expressed it himself, "by their natur's;" calling out




THE MONIKINS.           211'You cat, scatch this;" " You tiger, jump here;"
"You hog, out of that dirt;" " You dog, scamper
there;" "You horse, haul away," and divers other
similar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy.
The men themselves took up the ball, which they
kept rolling, embellished with all sorts of nautical
witticisms; their surname-they had but one,
viz. Smith-being entirely dropped for the new
appellations. Thus, the sounds of "Tom Dog,"
"Jack Cat," " Bill Tiger," "Sam  Hog," and
"' Dick Horse," were flying about the decks, from
morning to night.
Good humour is a great alleviator of bodily
privation. From the time the ship lost sight of
Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard
gales from the southward and westward; and we
had the utmost difficulty in making our southing.
Observations now became a very difficult matter,
the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The
marine instinct of Noah, at this crisis, was of the
last importance to all on board. He gave us the
cheering assurance, however, from time to time,
that we were going south, although the mates
declared that they knew not where the ship was,
or whither she was running; neither sun, moon, nor
star having now been seen for more than a week.
We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt
for about a fortnight, when Captain Poke suddenly
appeared on deck, and called for the cabin-boy,
in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the
name of " You Bob Ape;" for the duty of Robert
requiring that he should be much about the persons
of the monikins, I had given him a dress of apes'
skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to
their tastes than that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob
Ape was soon forthcoming, and, as he approached
his melter, he quietly turned his face from him,




212            THE MONIKINS.
receiving, as a matter of course, three or foui
smart admonitory hints, by way of letting him
know that he was to be active in the performance
of the duty on which he was about to be sent.
On this occasion I made an odd discovery. Bob
had profited by the dimensions of his lower gar.
ment, which had been cut for a much larger
boy, (one of those who had broken down in essay
ing the true Doric of "Sir,") by stuffing it with
an old union-jack-a sort of "sarvice," as he
afterwards told me, that saved him a good deal
of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing
events, however: when Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about manfully, and demanded the
captain's pleasure. He was told to bring the largest
and the fairest pumpkin he could find, from the
private stores of Mr. Poke, that navigator never
going to sea without a store of articles, that he
termed "' Stunin'tun food." The Captain took the
pumpkin between his legs, and carefully peeled off
the whole of its greenish-yellow coat, leaving it a
globe of a whitish colour. He then asked for the
tar-bucket; and, with his fingers, traced various
marks, which were pretty accurate outlines of the
different continents and the larger islands of the
world. The region near the south pole, however,
he left untouched; intimating that it contained
certain sealing islands, which he considered pretty
much as the private property of the Stunin'tunners.
"Now, Doctor," he said, pointing to the pumpkin, "; there is the'arth, and nere is the tar-pot —
just mark down the position of your island of
Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best
accounts your academy has of the matter. Make
a dab, here and there, if you happen to know of
any rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay
down the island where you were captured, giving




THE MONIKINS.            213
a general idee of its headlands and of the trending
of the coast."
Dr. Reasono took a fidd, and with its end he
traced all the desired objects with great readiness
and skill. Noah examined the work, and seemed
satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a
monikin who had very correct notions of bearings
and distances, one, in short, on whose local knowedge it might do to run even in the night. He
then projected the position of Stunin'tun, an occupation in which he took great delight, actually
designing the meeting-house and the principal
tavern; after which, the chart was laid aside.
CHAPTER XIV.
How o steer small-How to run the gauntlet with a ship
How to go clear-A new-fashioned screw-dock, and certain
mile-stones.
CAPTAIN POKE no longer deliberated about the
course we were to steer. With his pumpkin fo
a chart, his instinct for an observation, and his
nose for a compass, the sturdy sealer stood boldly
to the southward; or, at least, he ran dead before a
stiff gale, which, as he more than once affirmed,
was as true a norther as if bred and born in the
Canadas.
After coursing over the billows, at a tremendous
rate, for a day and a night, the Captain appeared
on deck, with a face of unusual meaning, and a
mind loaded with its own reflections, as was
proved by his winking knowingly whenever tie
delivered himself of a sentiment; a habit that he




214             THE MONIKINS.
had most probably contracted, in early youth, at
Stunin'tun, for it seemed to be quite as inveterate
as it was thorough-bred.
"We shall soon know, Sir John," he observed,
hitching the sea-lion skin into symmetry,,:' whether
it is sink or swim!"
"Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke," cried I, in
a little alarm. " If any thing serious is to happen,
you are bound to give timely notice."
" Death is always untimely to some crittur's, Sir
John."
" Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast
away the ship?"
"Not if I can help it, Sir John; but a craft that
is foreordained to be a wrack, will be a wrack, in
spite of reefing and bracing. Look ahead, you
Dick Lion-ay, there you have it!"
There we had it, sure enough! I can only
compare the scene which now met my eyes, to a
sudden view of the range of the Oberland Alps,
when the spectator is unexpectedly placed on the
verge of the precipice of the Weissenstein. There
he would see before him a boundless barrier of
glittering ice, broken into the glorious and fantastic forms of pinnacles, walls and valleys; while
here, we saw all that was sublime in such a view,
heightened by the fearful action of the boisterous
ocean, which beat upon the impassable boundary,
in ceaseless violence.
"Good God! Captain Poke," I exclaimed, the
instant I caught a glimpse of the formidable danger that menaced us, " you surely do not mean to
continue madly on, with such a warning of the
consequences in plain view?"
" What would you have, Sir John?  Leaphigh
lies on the t'other side of these ice-islands?"
"But you need not run the ship against them —
why not go round them?"




THE MONIKINS.            215
"Because they go round the'arth, in this lati-.ude. Now is the time to speak, Sir John. If we
are bound to Leaphigh, we have the choice of
three pretty desperate chances; to go through, to
go under, or to go over that there ice. If we are
to put back, there is not a moment to lose, for it
may be even now questioned whether the ship
would claw off, as we are, with a sending sea,
and this heavy norther."
I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have
given up all my social stakes to be well rid of the
adventure. Still pride, that substitute for so many
virtues, the greatest and the most potent of all
hypocrites, forbade my betraying the desire to
retreat. I deliberated, while the ship flew; and
when, at length, I turned to the captain to suggest
a doubt that might, at an earlier notice, possibly
have changed the whole aspect of affairs, he bluntly told me it was too late. It was safer to proceed
than to return, if, indeed, return were possible, in
the present state of the winds and waves. Making
a merit of necessity, I braced my nerves to meet
the crisis, and remained a submissive, and, apparently, a calm spectator, of that which followed.
The Walrus, (such was the name of our good
ship,) by this time, was under easy canvas, and
yet, urged by the gale, she rolled down, with
alarming velocity, towards the boundary of foam,
where the congealed and the still liquid element
held their strife. The summits of the frozen crags
waved in their glittering glory, in a way just to
show that they were afloat; and I remembered
to have heard that, at times, as their bases melted,
entire mountains had been known to roll over,
engulphing all that lay beneath. To me it seemed
but a moment, before the ship was fairly overshadowed by these shining cliffs, which gently
undulating, waved their fiozen summits nearly a




216             THE MONIKINS.
thousand feet in air. I looked at Noah, in alarm
for it appeared to me, that he intentionally precipitated us to destruction. But, just as I was about
to remonstrate, he made a sign with his hand, and
the vessel was brought to the wind. Still retreat
was impossible; for the heave of the sea was too
powerful, and the wind too heavy, to leave us any
hope of long keeping the Walrus from drifting
down upon the ragged peaks that bristled in icy
glory to leeward. Nor did Captain Poke, himself, seem to entertain any such design; for, instead
of hugging the gale, in order to haul off from the
danger, he had caused the yards to be laid perfectly
square, and we were now running, at a great rate,
in a line nearly parallel with the frozen coast,
though gradually setting upon it.
" Keep full! Let her go through water, you Jim
Tiger," said the old sealer, whose professional ardor
was fairly aroused. " Now, Sir John, unluckily, we
are on the wrong side of these ice-mountains, for
the plain reason, that Leaphigh lies to the south'ard
of them. We must be stirring, therefore, for no
craft that was ever launched could keep off these
crags, with such a gale driving home upon them,
for more than an hour or two. Our great concern,
at present, is to look out for a hole to run into."
"Why have you come so close to the danger,
with your knowledge of the consequences?"
" To own the truth, Sir John, natur' is natur',
and I'm getting to be a little near-sighted as I grow
old; besides, I'm not so sartain that danger is the
more dangerous, for taking a good steady look
plump in its face."
Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he
wished no answer, and both of us were immedi.
ately occupied in gazing anxiously to leeward. The
ship was just opening a small cove in the ice, which




THE MONIKINS.            217
might have been a cable's length in depth and a
quarter of a mile across its outer, or the widest,
part. Its form was regular, being that of a semicircle; but, at its bottom, the ice, instead of forming a continued barrier, like all the rest we had
yet passed, was separated by a narrow opening,
that was bounded on each side by a frowning precipice. The two bergs were evidently drawing
nearer to each other, but there was still a strait,
or a watery gorge between them, of some two
hundred feet in width. As the ship plunged onward, the pass was opened, and we caught a
glimpse of the distant view to leeward. It was
merely a glimpse-the impatient Walrus allowing
us but a moment for examination,-but it appeared
sufficient for the purposes of the old sealer. We
were already across the mouth of the cove, and
within a cable's length of the ice again; for as we
drew near what may be called the little cape, we
found ourselves once more in closer proximity to
the menacing mountain. It was a moment when
all depended on decision; and, fortunately, our
sealer, who was so wary and procrastinating in a
bargain, never had occasion to make two drafts
on his thoughts, in situations of emergency. As
the ship cleared the promontory on the eastern
side of the cove, we again opened a curvature of
the ice, which gave a little more water to leeward.
Tacking was impossible, and the helm was put
hard-a-weather. The bow of the Walrus fell off,
and as she rose on the next wave, I thought its
send would carry us helplessly down upon the
berg. But the good craft, obedient to her rudder,
whirled round, as if sensible herself of the danger, and, in less time than I had ever before known
her to ware, we felt the wind on the other quarter.
Our cats and dogs bestirred themnselvec for there
19




218            THE MONIKINS.
was no one there, Captain Noah Poke excepted,
whose heart did not beat quick and hard. In much
less time than usual, the yards were braced up on
the other tack, and the ship was ploughing heavily
against the sea, with her head to the westward.
It is impossible to give one who has never been in
such a situation, a just idea of the feverish impatience, the sinking and mounting of hope, as we
watch the crab-like movement of a vessel, that is
clawing off a lee shore, in a gale. In the present
case, it being well known that the sea was fathomless, we had run so near the danger that not even
the smallest of its horrors was veiled from sight.
While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds
fast shutting in to windward, by the interposition
of the promontory of ice, —the certain sign that
our drift was rapid,-and, as we drew nearer to
the point, breathing became labored and even
audible. Here Noah took a chew of tobacco, I
presume on the principle of enjoying a last quid,
should the elements prove fatal; and then he went
to the wheel in person.
" Let her go through the water," he said, easing
the helm a little —" let her jog ahead, or we shall
lose command of her in this devil's-pot!"
The vessel felt the slight change, and drew
faster through the foaming brine, bringing us, with
increasing velocity, nearer to the dreaded point.
As we came up to the promontory, the water fell
back in spray on the decks, and there was an instant when it appeared as if the wind was about
to desert us. Happily the ship had drawn so far
ahead, as to feel the good effects of a slight
change of current that was caused by the air
rushing obliquely into the cove; and, as Noah, by
easing the helm still more, had anticipated this
alteration, which had been felt adversely but a




THE BIONIKINS.           219
moment before, while struggling to the eastward
of the promontory, we drew swiftly past the icy
cape, opening the cove handsomely, with the ship's
head falling off fast towards the gorge.
There was but a minute, or two, for squaring
the yards and obtaining the proper position to
windward of the narrow strait. Instead of running down in a direct line for the latter, Captain
Poke kept the ship on such a course as to lay it
well open, before her head was pointed toward
the passage. By this time, the two bergs had
drawn so near each other as actually to form an
arch across its mouth; and this too, at a part so
low as to render it questionable whether there
was sufficient elevation to permit the Walrus to
pass beneath. But retreat was impossible, the
gale urging the ship furiously onward. The width
of the passage was now but little more than a
hundred feet, and it actually required the nicest
steerage to keep our yard-arms clear of the opposite precipices, as the vessel dashed, with foaming bows, into the gorge. The wind drew through
the opening with tremendous violence, fairly howling, as if in delight at discovering a passage by
which it might continue its furious career. We
may have been aided by the sucking of the wind
and the waves, both of which were irresistibly
drawn towards the pass, or it is quite probable
that the skill of Captain Poke did us good service,
on this awful occasion; but, owing to the one
or the other, or to the two causes united, the
Walrus shot into the gorge so accurately, as to
avoid touching either of the lateral margins of the
ice. We were not so fortunate, however, with
the loftier spars; for, scarcely was the vessel beneath the arch, when she lifted on a swell, and
kOr main-top-gallant-mast snapped off in the cap.




220            THE MONIKINS.
The ice groaned and cracked over our heaus
and large fragments fell both ahead and astern of
us, several of them even tumbling upon our decks
One large piece came down within an inch of the
extremity of Dr. Reasono's tail, just escaping the
dire calamity of knocking out the brains of that
profound and philo-monikin philosopher. In another
instant, the ship was through the pass, which completely closed, with the crash of an earthquake, as
soon as possible afterwards.
Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly towards
the south, along a channel less than a quarter of a
mile in width, the bergs evidently closing on each
side of us, and the ship, as if conscious of her jeopardy, doing her utmost, with Captain Poke still at
the wheel. In little more than an hour, the worst
was over; the Walrus issuing into an open basin
of several leagues in extent, which was, however,
completely encircled by the frozen mountains.
Here Noah took a look at the pumpkin, after which
he made no ceremony in plumply telling Dr. Reasono that he had been greatly mistaken in laying
down the position of Captivity Island, as he himself had named the spot where the amiable strangers had fallen into human hands. The philosopher
was a little tenacious of his opinion; but what is
argument in the face of facts? Here was the pumpkin, and there were the blue waters! The Captain
now quite frankly declared that he had great doubts
whether there was any such place as Leaphigh at
all; and as the ship had a capital position for such
an object, he bluntly, though privately, proposed to
me, that we should throw all the monikins overboard, project the entire polar basin on his chart
as being entirely free from islands, and then go a
sealing. I rejected the propositions, firstly, as premature; secondly, as inhuman; thirdly, as inhos,




THE MONIKINS.           221
pitable; fourthly, as inconvenient; and lastly, as
Impracticable.
There might have arisen a disagreeable controversy between us, on this point; for Mr. Poke had
begun to warm, and to swear that one good seal,
of the true quality of fur, was worth a hundre&
monkeys; when most happily the panther at the
mast-head cried out that two of the largest of the
mountains, to the southward of us, were separating, and that he could discern a passage into
another basin. Hereupon Captain Poke concentrated his oaths, which he caused to explode like
a bomb, and instantly made sail, again, in the
proper direction. By three o'clock, P. M., we had
run the gauntlet of the bergs, a second time, and
were at least a degree nearer the pole, in the basin
just alluded to.
The mountains had now entirely disappeared
in the southern board; but the sea was covered,
far as the eye could reach, with field-ice. Noah
stood on, without apprehension; for the water had
been smooth ever since we entered the first opening, the wind not having rake enough to knock up
a swell. When about a mile from the margin of
the frozen and seemingly interminable plain, the
ship was brought to the wind, and hove-to.
Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had
been six sets of spars of a form so singular, lying
among the booms, that they had often been the
subject of conversation between the mates and
myself, neither of the former being able to tell
their uses. These sticks were of no great length,
some fifteen feet at the most, of sound English
oak. Two or three pairs were alike, for they
were in pairs, each pair having one of the sides
of a shape resembling different parts of the ship's
oottom, with the exception that they were chiefly
_9.s




222             THE MONIKINS.
concave, while the bottom of a vessel is mainly
convex. At one extremity each pair was firmly
connected by a short, massive, iron link, of about
two feet in length; and, at its opposite end, a
large eye-bolt was driven into each stick, where
it was securely forelocked. When the Walrus was
stationary, we learned, for the first time, the uses
of these unusual preparations. A pair of the timbers, which were of great solidity and strength,
were dropped over the stern, and, sinking beneath
the keel, their upper extremities were separated,
by means of lanyards turned into the eye-bolts.
The lanyards were then brought forward to the
bilge of the vessel, where, by the help of tackles,
the timbers were rowsed up in such a manner,
that the link came close to the false-keel, and the
timbers themselves were laid snug against each
side of the ship. As great care had been taken, by
means of marks on the vessel, as well as in forming
the skids themselves, the fit was perfect. No less
than five pairs were secured in and near the bilge,
and as many more were distributed forward and
aft, according to the shape of the bottom. Foreand-aft pieces, that reached from one skid to the
other, were then placed between those about the
bilge of the ship, each of them having a certain
number of short ribs, extending upwards and
downwards. These fore-and-aft pieces were laid
along the water-line, their ends entering the skids
by means of mortices and tenons, where they were
snugly bolted. The result of the entire arrangement was to give the vessel an exterior protection
against the field-ice, by means of a sort of network of timber, the whole of which had been so
accurately fitted in the dock, as to bear equally
on her frame. These preparations were not fairly
completed before ten o'clock on the following




THE MONIKINS.            223
mnorning, when Noah stood direct y for an opening
in the ice before us, which, just about that timrae
began to be apparent.
"We sha'n't go so fast for our armour," observed the cautious old sealer; "but what we
want in heels, we'll make up in bottom."
For the whole of that day, we worked our devious course, by great labor, and at uncertain
intervals, to the southward; and at night, we fastened the Walrus to a floe, in waiting for the
return of light. Just as the day dawned, however,
I heard a tremendous grating sound against the
side of the vessel; and, rushing on deck, I found
that we were completely caught between two
immense fields, which seemed to be attracted
towards each other for no other apparent purpose
than to crush us. Here it was that the expedient
of Captain Poke made manifest its merits. Protected by the massive timbers, and false ribs, the
bilge of the ship resisted the pressure; and as,
under such circumstances, something must yield,
luckily nothing but the attraction of gravitation
was overcome. The skids, through their inclination, acted as wedges, the links pressing against
the keel; and, in the course of an hour, the Walrus was gradually lifted out of the water, maintaining her upright position, in consequence of the
powerful nip of the floes. No sooner was this
experiment handsomely effected, than Mr. Poke
jumped upon the ice, and commenced an examination of the ship's bottom.
"Here's a dry dock for you, Sir John!" exclaimed the old sealer, chuckling. "I'll have a
patent for this, the moment I put foot ag'in in
Stunin'tun."
A feeling of security, to which I had been a
stranger ever since we entered the ice, was created




224             THE MONIKINS.
by the composure of Noah, and by his self-con
gratulation at what he called his project to get a
look at the Walrus's bottom. Notwithstanding all
the fine declarations of exultation and success,
however, that he flourished among us who were
not mariners, I was much disposed to think that,
like other men of extraordinary genius, he had
blundered on the grand result of his "ice-screws,'
and that it was not foreseen and calculated..Let
this be as it may, however, all hands were soon
on the floe, with brooms, scrapers, hammers, ana
nails, and the opportunity of repairing and cleaning was thoroughly improved.
For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained
in the same attitude, stiff as a church, and some
of us began to entertain apprehensions, that she
might be kept on her frozen blocks for ever. The
accident had happened, according to the statements
of Captain Poke, in lat. 780 13' 26"-although I
never knew in what manner he ascertained the
imporlant particular of our precise situation. Thinking it might be well to get some more accurate
ideas on this subject, after so long and ticklish a
run, I procured the quadrant from Bob Ape, and
brought it down upon the ice, where I made it a
point, as an especial favor, the weather being
favorable and the proper hour near, that our commander would correct his instinct by a solar observation. Noah protested that your old seaman,
especially if a sealer and a Stunin'tunner, had no
occasion for such geometry-operations, as he
termed them; that it might be well enough, per.
haps necessary, for your counting-house, silkgloved captains, who run between New-York and
Liverpool, to be rubbing up their glasses and
polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew
where they were, except at such times; but as for




THE MONIKINS.           225
nimself, he had little need of turning star-gazer at
his time of life, and that, as he had already told
me, he was getting to be near-sighted, and had
some doubts whether he could discern an object
like the sun, that was known to be so many thousands of millions of miles from the earth. These
scruples, however, were overcome by my cleaning the glasses, preparing a barrel for him to stand
on, that he might be at the customary elevation
above his horizon, and putting the instrument into
his hands, the mates standing near, ready to make
the calculations, when he gave the sun's declination.
"We are drifting south'ard, I know," said Mr.
Poke, before he commenced his sight —" I feel it
in my bones. We are, at this moment, in 790 36'
14"-having made a southerly drift of more than
eighty miles, since yesterday noon. Now, mind
my words, and see what the sun will say about it."
When the calculations were made, our latitude
was found to be 790 35' 47". Noah was somewhat
puzzled by the difference, for which he could in
no plausible way account, as the observation had
been unusually good and certain. But an opinionated and an ingenious man is seldom at a loss to
find a sufficient reason to establish his own correctness, or to prove the mistakes of others.
"Ay, I see how it is," he said, after a little
cogitation; "the sun must be wrong-it should be
no wonder if the sun did get a little out of his track,
in these high, cold latitudes. Yes, yes: the sun
must be wrong."
I was too much delighted at being certain we
were going on our course to dispute the point,
and the great luminary was abandoned to the
imputation of sometimes being in error. Dr.
Reasono took occasion to say, in my private ear
that there was a sect of philosophers in Leaphigh,




226            THE MONIKINS.
who had long distrusted the accuracy of the planetary system, and who had even thrown out hints
that the earth, in its annual revolution, moved in
a direction absolutely contrary to that which Nature had contemplated when she gave the original
polar impulse; but that, as regarded himself, he
thought very little of these opinions, as he had frequent occasion to observe that there was a large
class of monikins whose ideas always went up hill.
For two more days and as many nights, we
continued to drift with the floes to the southward,
or as near as might be, towards the haven of our
wishes. On the fourth morning, there was a suitable change in the weather; both thermometer
and barometer rose; the air became more bland,
and most of our cats and dogs, notwithstanding
*we were still surrounded by the ice, began to cast
their skins. Dr. Reasono noted these signs, and
stepping on the floe he brought back with him a
considerable fragment of the frozen element.This was carried to the camboose, where it was
subjected to the action of fire, which, within a
given number of minutes, pretty much as a matter
of course, as I thought, caused it to melt. The whole
process was watched with an anxiety the most intense, by the whole of the monikins, however; and
when the result was announced, the amiable and
lovely Chatterissa clapped her pretty little pattles
with joy, and gave all the other natural indications of delight, which characterize the emoticns
of that gentle sex of which she was so bright an
ornament. Dr. Reasono was not backward in explaining the cause of so much unusual exhilaration,
for hitherto her manner had been characterized
by the well-bred and sophisticated restraint which
marks high training. The experiment had shown,
by the infallible and scientific tests of monikin




THE MONIKINS.            227
chemistry, that we were now within the influence
of a steam-climate, and there could no longer be
any rational doubt of our eventual arrival in the
polar basin.
The result proved that the philosopher was right.
About noon the floes, which all that day had begun to assume what is termed a' sloppy character,'
suddenly gave way, and the Walrus settled down
into her proper element, with great equanimity and
propriety. Captain Poke lost no time in unshipping the skids; and, a smacking breeze, that was
well saturated with steam, springing up from the
westward, we made sail. Our course was due
south, without regard to the ice, which yielded before our bows like so much thick water, and, just
as the sun set, we entered the open sea, rioting in
the luxuriance of its genial climate, in triumph.
Sail was carried on the ship all that night; and
just as the day dawned, we made the first milestone, a proof, not to be mistaken, that we were
now actually in the monikin region. Dr. Reasono
had the goodness to explain to us the history of
these aquatic phenomena. It would seem that
when the earth exploded, its entire crust, throughout the whole of this part of the world, was started upward in such a way as to give a very uniform depth to the sea, which in no place exceeds
four fathoms. It follows, as a consequence, that
no prevalence of northerly winds can force the
icebergs beyond 780 of south latitude, as they invariably ground on reaching the outer edge of
the polar bank. The floes, being thin, are melted of course; and thus, by this beneficent prevention, the monikin wor-d is kept entirely free from
the very danger to which a vulgar mind would be
the most apt to believe it is the most exposed.
A congress of nations had been held, about five




228            THE MONIKINS.
centuries since, which was called the Holy-philo.
marine-safety-and-find-the-way Alliance. At this
Congress the high contracting parties agreed
to name a commission to make provision, generally, for the secure navigation of the seas. One
of the expedients of this commission, which, by
the way, is said to have been composed of very
illustrious monikins, was to cause massive blocks
of stone to be laid down, at measured distances,
throughout the whole of the basin, and in which
other stone uprights were secured. The necessary inscriptions were graved on proper tablets, and
as we approached the one already named, I observed that it had the image of a monikin, carved
also in stone, with his tail extended in a right line,
pointing, as Mr. Poke assured me, S. and by W.
half W.' had made sufficient progress in the
monikin language, to read, as we glided past this
water-mark -" To Leaphigh, 15 miles."  One
Inonikin mile, however, we were next told, was
equal to nine English statute miles; and, consequently, we were not quite so near our port as
was at first supposed. I expressed great satisfaction at finding ourselves so fairly on the road, however, and paid Dr. Reasono some well-merited
compliments on the high state of civilization to
which his species had evidently arrived. The day
was not distant, I added, when, it was reasonable
to suppose, our own seas would have floating res
taurants and cafes, with suitable pot-houses for the
mariners; though I did not well see how we were
to provide a substitute for their own excellent organization of mile-stones. The Doctor received
my compliments with a proper modesty, saying
that he had no doubt mankind would do all that
lay in their power to have good eating and drinking-houses, wherever they could be established;
Out, as to the marine mile-stones, he agreed with




THE MONIKINS.            229
me, that there was little hope of their being plant.
ed, until the crust of the earth should be driven
upward, so as to rise within four fathoms of the
surface of the water. On the other hand, Captain
Poke held this latter improvement very cheap. He
affirmed it was no sign of civilization at all, for, as a
man became civilized, he had less need of primers
and finger-boards; and, as for Leaphigh, any tolerable navigator might see it bore S. by W. half W.
allowing for variation, distant 135 English miles.
To these objections I was silent, for I had had frequent occasions to observe that men very often
underrate any advantage of which they have
come into the enjoyment by a providential interposition.
Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of' land ahead' was heard from aloft. The monikins
were all smiles and gratitude; the crew was excited by admiration and wonder; and, as for myself, I was literally ready to jump out of my skin,
not only with delight, but, in some measure also,
from the exceeding warmth of the atmosphere. Our
cats and dogs began to unease; Bob was obliged
to unmask his most exposed frontier, by removing
the union-jack; and Noah himself fairly appeared
on deck in his shirt and night-cap. The amiable
strangers were too much occupied to be particular, and I slipped into my state-room to change my
toilet to a dress of thin silk, that was painted to
resemle the skin of a polar bear,-a contradiction
between appearances and the substance of things,
that is much too common in our species ever to be
deemed out of fashion.
We neared the land with great rapidity, impelled by a steam-breeze, and just as the sun sunk
in the horizon our anchor was let go, in the oluter
iarbor of the city of Aggregation.
20




230             THE MONIKINS.
CHAPTER XV.
An arrival; forms of reception; several new christenings
an official document, and terra firma.
IT is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end
of a long, fatiguing and hazardous journey. But
the pleasure is considerably augmented when the
visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam-climate, and which is peopled by a new species. My
own satisfaction, too, was coupled with the reflection that I had been of real service to four very
interesting and well-bred strangers, who had been
cast, by an adverse fortune, into the hands of humanity, and who owed to me a boon far more precious than that of life itself,-a restoration to their
natural and acquired rights, their proper stations
in society, and sacred liberty! The reader will
judge, therefore, with what inward self-congratulation I now received the acknowledgments of the
whole monikin party, and listened to their most
solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all
they might jointly and severally possess in the way
of estates and dignities, at my entire disposal, but
their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as
light as possible of any little service I might have
done them, protesting, in my turn, that I looked
upon the whole affair more in the light of a party
of pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had
not only obtained an insight into a new philosophy,
but that I was already, thanks to the decimal system, a tolerable proficient in their ancient and
learned language. These civilities were scarcely
well over, before we were boarded by the boat of
the port-captain.




THE lONlKINS.            231
The arrival of a human ship was an event likely
o create excitement in a monikin country; and,
as our approach had been witnessed for several
hours, preparations had been made to give us a
proper reception. The section of the academy to
whom is committed the custody of the "' Science
of Indications," was hastily assembled, by order
of the King, who, by the way, never speaks except through the mouth of his oldest male first
cousin, who, by the fundamental laws of the realm,
is held responsible for all his official acts, (in private, the King is allowed almost as many privi.
leges as any other monikin,) and who, as is due
to him in simple justice, is permitted to exercise,
in a public point of view, the functions o(f the eyes,
ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the monarch.
The savans were active, and as they proceeded
with method, and on well-established principles,
their report was quickly made. It contained, as
we afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises, eleven of argument, sixteen of conjecture,
and two lines of deduction. This heavy draft on
the monikin intellect, was duly achieved by dividing the work into as many parts as there were
members of the section present, viz. forty. The
substance of their labors was, to say that the vessel
in sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a
strange country, on a strange errand, being manned by strangers; and that its objects were more
likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses
of the academy did not enable them to discover
any means of annoyance, with the exception of
certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be
peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this
was sententiously expressed in the purest monikin
language. The effect of the report was to cause
all hostile preparations to be abandoned.




232             THE MONIKINS.
No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return
to the shore, with the news that the strange ship
had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, my Lady
Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono, than there was a
general burst of joy along the strand. In a very
short time, the King-alias his eldest first cousin
of the male gender-ordered the usual compliments to be paid to his distinguished subjects. A
deputation of young Lords, the hopes of Leaphigh,
came off to receive their colleague; whilst a bevy
of beautiful maidens, of noble birth, crowded
around the smiling and graceful Chatterissa, gladdening her heart with their caressing manners and
felicitations. The noble pair left us in separate
boats, each attended by an appropriate escort.
We overlooked the little neglect of forgetting to
take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both
beside themselves. Next came a long procession
composed of high numbers, all of the " brown-studycolor." These learned and dignified persons were
a deputation from the academy, which had sent
forth no less than forty of its number to receive
Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving
friends of monikinity and of knowledge, was conducted on the most approved principles of reason.
Each section (there are forty in the academy of
Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the
Doctor returned suitable replies, always using
exactly the same sentiments, but varying the subject
by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to be
composed by the ingenious combinations of the
twenty-six letters of the alphabet. Dr. Reasono
withdrew with his coadjutors, to my surprise, paying not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and
myself, than would be paid, in any highly civilized
country of Christendom, on a similar occasion, by
a collection of the learned, to the accidental pre




THE MONIKINS.             233
sence of two monkeys. I thought this augured
badly, and began to feel as became Sir John
Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the
Kingdom of Great Britain, when my sensations
were nipped in the bud by the arrival of the Officers of Registration and Circulation. It was the
duty of the latter to give us the proper passports
to enter into and to circulate within the country,
after the former had properly enregistered our
numbers and colors, in such a way as to bring us
within the reach of taxation. The officer of Registration was very expeditious from long practice. He decided, at once, that I formed a new
class by myself; of which, of course, I was No. 1.
The Captain and his two mates formed another,
Nos. 1, 2 and 3. Bob had a class also to himself,
and the honors of No. 1; and the crew formed a
fresh class, being numbered according to height,
as the register deemed their merits to be altogether
physical. Next came the important point of color,
on which depended the quality of the class or caste,
he numbers merely indicating our respective stations in the particular divisions. After a good deal
of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was
enregistered as No. 1, flesh-color. Noah as No. 1,
sea-water-color, and his mates 2 and 3, accordingly. Bob as No. 1, smut-colour; and the crew
as Nos. 1, 2, 3, &c. tar-color. The officer now
called upon an assistant to come forth with a sort
of knitting-needle heated red-hot, in order to affix
the official stamp to each in succession. Luckily
for us all, Noah happened to be the first to whom
the agent of the stamp-office applied, to unease
and to prepare for the operation. The result
was one of those bursts of eloquent and logical
vituperation, and of remonstrating outcries, to
which any new personal exaction never failed
20 *




234            THE MONIKINS.
to give birth in the sealer. His discourse on this
occasion might be divided into the several following heads, all of which were very ingeniously
embellished by the usual expletives and imagery"He was not a beast to be branded like a horse,
nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he
saw no use in applying the marks to men, who
were sufficiently distinguished from monkeys already; Sir John had a handle before his name, and
if he liked it, he might carry his name behind his
body, by way of counterpoise, but, for his part,
he wanted no outriggers of the sort, being satisfied with plain Noah Poke; he was a republican,
and it was anti-republican for a man to carry
about with him graven images; he thought it
might be even flying in the face of the Scriptures,
or, what was worse, turning his back on them;
he said that the Walrus had her name, in good
legible characters, on her starn, and that might
answer for both of them; he protested, d-n his
eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief; he
incontinently wished the keeper of the privy-seal
to the d- 1; he insisted there was no use in the
practice, unless one threw all aback and went starn
foremost into society, a rudeness at which human
natur' revolted; he knew a man at Stunin'tun who
had five names, and he should like to know what
they would do with him, if this practice should
come into fashion there; he had no objection to a
little paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should
make acquaintance with his flesh, so long as he
walked his quarter-deck."
The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance with singular patience and decorum; a
forbearance that was probably owing to his not
understanding a word that had been said. But




THE MONIIINS.            235
there is a language that is universal, and it is not
less easy to comprehend when a man is in a passion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated
animal. The officer of the Registration Department, on this hint, politely inquired of me, if some
part of his official duties were not particularly
disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water-color. On my
admitting that the captain was reluctant to be
branded, he merely shrugged his shoulders, and
observed, that the exactions of the public were seldom agreeable, but that duty was duty, that the
stamp-act was peremptory, and not a foot of ours
could touch Leaphigh, until we were all checked
off in this manner, in exact conformity with the
registration. I was much puzzled what to do, by
this indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the
officer; for, to own the truth, my own cuticle had
quite as much aversion to the operation, as that of
Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle,
so much as the novelty of its application, which
distressed me; for I had travelled too much not to
know that a stranger rarely enters a civilized
country without being more or less skinned, the
merest savages only permitting him to pass unscathed. It suddenly came to my recollection
that the monikins had left all the remains of their
particular stores on board, consisting of an ample
supply of delicious nuts. Sending for a bag of the
best of them, I ordered it to be put into the register's boat, informing him, at the same time, that I
was conscious they were quite unworthy of him,
but that I hoped, such as they were, he would
allow me to make an offering of them to his wife.
This attention was properly felt and received; and
a few minutes afterwards, a certificate in the fol.
lowing words was put into my hands, viz. —




236             THE MONIKINS.
" Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance: Whereas, certain persons of the human
species have lately presented themselves to be
enrogistered, according to the statute'For the
promotion of order and classification, and for the,
collection of contributions;' and whereas, these
persons are yet in the second class of the animal
probation, and are more subject to bodily impressions than the higher, or monikin species; Now,
know all monikins, &c., that they are stamped in
paint, and that only by their numbers; each class
among them being easily to be distinguished from
the others, by outward and indelible proofs.
"Signed,
" No. 8,020 office-color."
I was told that all we had to do now, was to
mark ourselves with paint or tar, as we might
choose, the latter being recommended for the
crew; taking no farther trouble than to number
ourselves: and, when we went ashore, if any of
the gens-d'armes inquired why we had not the
legal impression on our persons, which quite possibly would be the case, as the law was absolute
in its requisitions, all we had to do was to show
the certificate; but, if the certificate was not
sufficient, we were men of the world, and understood the nature of things so well, that we did not
require to be taught so simple a proposition in philosophy, as that which says, " like causes produce
like effects;" and he presumed I could not have so
far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole
of my nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not
very sorry to hear the officer throw out these
hints, for they convinced me that my journey
through Leaphigh would be accompanied with
less embarrassment than I had anticipated, since




THE MONIKINS.            237
I now plainly perceived that monikins act on principles that are not very essentially different from
those of the human race in general.
The complaisant register and the keeper of the
privy-seal took their departure together, when we
forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in compliance with his advice. As the principle was
already settled, we had no difficulty with its application, Noah, Bob, myself, and the largest of the
seamen being all No's. 1, and the rest ranking in
order. By this time it was night. The guard-boats
began to appear on the water, and we deferred
disembarking until morning.
All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged
that Captain Poke and myself, attended by Bob, as a
domestic, were to land, in order to make a journey
through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in
charge of the mates and the crew; the latter having
permission to go ashore, from time to time, as is
the practice with all seamen in port. There was
a great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving,
before the whole party could appear on deck, properly attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a
thin dress of linen, admirably designed to make him
look like a sea-lion; a conceit that he said was not
only agreeable to his feelings and habits, but which
had a cool and pleasant character, that was altother suited to a steam-climate. For my own part,
I agreed with the worthy sealer, seeing but little
difference between his going in this garb, and his
going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design
of my own, after the social-stake system; or, in
other words, it was so arranged as to take an interest in half of the animals of Exeter'Change, to
which menagerie the artist, by whom it had been
painted, was sent expressly, in order to consult
nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his master called
it, of a turnspit.




238             THE MONIKINS.
The monikins were by far too polished to crowd
about us when we landed, with an impertinent and
troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we were
permitted to approach the capital itself without let
or hindrance. As it is less my intention to describe
physical things than to dwell upon the philosophy
and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world,
little more will be said of their houses, domestic
economy, and other improvements in the arts, than
may be gathered incidentally, as the narrative shall
proceed. Let it suffice to say, on these heads, that
the Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think
they consult-which, so long as they know no better, amounts to pretty much the same thing —their
own convenience in all things, the pocket alone
excepted; and that they continue very laudably to
do as their fathers did before them, seldom making
changes, unless they may happen to possess the
recommendation of being exotics; when, indeed,
they are sometimes adopted, probably on account
of their possessing the merit of having been proved
suitable to another state of things.
Among the first persons we met, on entering the
great square of Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh is called when rendered into English, was
my Lord Chatterino. He was gaily promenading
with a company of young nobles, who all seemed
to be enjoying their youth, health, rank and privileges, with infinite gusto. We met this party in a
way to render an escape from mutual recognition
impossible. At first I thought, from his averted
eye, that it was the intention of our late shipmate
to consider our knowledge of each other as one of
those accidental acquaintances which, it is known,
we all form at watering-places, on journeys, or;n
the country, and which it is ill-mannered to press
upon others in town; or, as Captain Poke afterwards




THE MONIKINS.           239
expressed it, like the intimacy between an Englishman and a Yankee, that has been formed in the
house of the latter, on better wine than is met with
anywhere else, and which was never yet known to
withstand the influence of a British fog. "' Why, Sir
John," the sealer added, "I once tuck (he meant to
say took, not tucked) a countryman of yours under
my wing, at Stunin'tun, during the last war. He
was a prisoner, as we make prisoners; that is, he
went and did pretty much as he pleased; and the
fellow had the best of every thing-molasses that a
spoon would stand up in, pork that would do to
slush down a top-mast, and New-England rum,
that a king might sit down to, but could not get up
from —well, what was the end on't? why, as sure
as we are among these monkeys, the fellow booked
me. Had I booked but the half of what he guzzled,
the amount, I do believe, would have taken the
transaction out of any justice's court in the state.
He said my molasses was meagre, the pork lean,
and the liquor infernal. There were truth and gratitude for you! He gave the whul account, too, as a
specimen of what he called American living!"
Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an
Englishman did not like to receive even favors, on
compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in his
own country, and is master of his own actions, no
man understands better what true hospitality is, as
I hoped one day to show him, at Householder Hall:
as to his first remark, he ought to remember that
an Englishman considered America as no more
than the country, and that it would be ill-mannered
to press an acquaintance made there.
Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable
on all subjects that did not interfere with his prejudices or his opinions; and he very readily admitted
the general justice of my reply.




240             THE MONIKI NS.
" It's pretty much as you say, Sir John," he con.
tinued. "In England you may press men, but it
wun't do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in this
way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish.
I shouldn't have cared so much about the chap's
book, if he had said nothin' ag'in the rum. Why,
Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin'tun
with eighteen-pounders, I proposed to load our old
twelve with a gallon out of the very same cask,
for I do think it would have huv' the shot the best
part of a mile!"
But this digression is leading me from
the narrative. My Lord Chatterino turned his head
a little on one side, as we were passing; and I was
deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it
would be well-bred to remind him of our old acquaintance, when the question was settled by the
decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in
such a position that it was no easy matter to get
round him, through him, or over him; or who laid
himself what he called " athwart hawse."
"Good morning, my Lord," said the straight
forward seaman, who generally went at a subject,
as he went at a seal. "A fine warm day; and the
smell of the land, after so long a passage, is quite
agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups and downs
may be to the legs."
The companions of the young peer looked amazed; and some of them, I thought, notwithstanding
gravity and earnestness are rather characteristic
of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight disposition to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatterino himself.
He examined us a moment through a glass, and
then seemed suddenly and on the whole, agreeably
struck at seeing us.
"How, Goldencalf I" lie cried, in surprise, "you




THE MONIKINS.            241
in Leaphigh! This is, indeed, an unexpected satis
faction; for it will now be in my power to prove
some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by
actual observation. Here are two of the humans,
gents, of whom I was but this moment giving you
some account-"
Observing a disposition to merriment in his asspciates, he continued, looking exceedingly grave:"Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you.
These are very worthy people, I do assure you, in
their own way, and are not at all to be ridiculed.
I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better
or a bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and,
as for the one in the parti-colored skin, I will take
upon myself to say, that he is really a person of
some consideration in his own little circle. He is,
I believe, a member of par-par-par-am  I right,
Sir John?-a member of  -"
" Parliament, my Lord-an M. P."
Ay —-I thought I had it —an M. P. or a member
e parliament in his own country, which, I dare
sav, now, is some such thing among his people, as
a public proclaimer of those laws which come from
hLis Majesty's eldest first-cousin of the masculine
gent er, may be amonyg us. Some such thing-ehnow..eh —,is it not, Sir John?"
"I dare say it is, my Lord."
All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the
young monikins, with a very long, elaborated tail,
which he carried nearly perpendicular —" but what
woL id Le even a law-maker —to say nothing of lawbreakers like ourselves-among men! You should
remembe  my dear fellow, that a mere title, or a
profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but
that tile prodigy of a village may be a very comrn
mon mnonik n in town."
"Poll —pt h" —interrupted Lord Chatterino, " thou




242             THE MONIKINS.
art ever for refining, Hightail-Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the island ofa-a-a —what do you call that said island of
yours, Goldencalf?-a -a-"
"Great Britain, my Lord."
"Ay, Great Breeches, sure enough: yes, he is
ta respectable person-I can take it upon myself
to say, with confidence, a very respectable person,
in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small
portion of the island himself. How much, now,
Sir John, if the truth were told?"
" Only the estate and village of Householder,
my Lord, with a few scattered manors, here and
there."
I" Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be
no doubt,-then you have money at use?"
"And who is the debtor?" sneeringly inquired
the jack-a-napes Hightail.
" No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm
of Great Britain."
" Exquisite, that, egad! A noble's fortune in the
custody of the realm of a-Greek-a —"
" Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chatterino; who, notwithstanding he swore he was
excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate
incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some
forbearance to keep from joining in the general
laugh. "It is a very respectable country, I do
protest; and I scarcely remember to have tasted
better gooseberries than they grow in that very
island."
"What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?"
" Certainly —after a fashion-and houses, and
public conveyances-and even universities.''
" You do not mean to say, certainly, that they
aave a system!"
"Why, as to system, I believe they are a little




THE MONIKINS.            243
at sixes and sevens. I really can't take it upon
myself to say that they have a system."
s" Oh, yes, my Lord,-of a certainty we have
one-the Social-stake System.
"Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy
coxcomb Hightail, " if he himself, now, has any
income."
" How is it, Sir John,-have you an income?"
"Yes, my Lord, of one hundred and twelve
thousand sovereigns a year."
" Of what?-of what?" demanded two or three
voices, with well-bred, subdued eagerness.
" Of sovereigns-why that means kings!"
It would appear that the Leaphighers, while
they obey only the King's eldest first-cousin of the
masculine gender, perform all their official acts in
the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person
and character they pretty uniformly express the
profoundest veneration; just as we men express
admiration for a virtue that we never practise.
My declaration, therefore, produced a strong sensation, and I was soon required to explain myself.
This I did, by simply stating the truth.
"Oh, gold, y'clept sovereigns!" exclaimed three
or four, laughing heartily.  "Why then, your
famous Great Breeches people, after all, Chatterino, are so little advanced in civilization, as to use
gold! Harkee, Signior-a-a-Boldercraft, have
you no currency in'promises'?"
" I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend
the question."
"Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as
you see us, only in a state of simplicity and na.
turs'-.- there was irony in every syllable the impudent scoundrel uttered, —" we poor wretches,
or rather our ancestors, made the discovery, that,
for the purposes of convenience, having, as you




244             THE MONIKINS.
perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert
all our currency into'promises.' Now, I would
ask if you have any of that coin?"
"Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we
have plenty."
" He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he
were discussing a pedigree! Are you really,
Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in your
country, as not to know the immense advantages
of a currency of'promises'?"
" As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is, sir, I cannot answer as
readily as I could wish."
"Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am
really curious to hear his answer. Chatterino, do
you, who have some knowledge of the thing's
habits, be our interpreter."
" The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our ancestors having reached that
pass in civilization when they came to dispense
with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary
to substitute a new currency for that of the metals,
which it was inconvenient to carry, of which they
might be robbed, and which also were liable to be
counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a
lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value
to linen and cotton, in the raw material; then,
compounded and manufactured; next, written on,
and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through
the several gradations of wrapping-paper, brownpaper, foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set
the plan fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly established, the system was perfected by
a coup de main;-' promises' in words, were -substituted for all other coin. You see the advantage
at a glance.-A monikin can travel, without pockets or baggage, and still carry a million; the mo



THE MONIKINS.            245
ney cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen
or burned."," But, my Lord, does it not depreciate the value
of property?"
"Just the contrary: —an acre that formerly
could be bought for one promise, would now bring
a thousand."
" This certainly is a great improvement, unless
frequent failures    "
"Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy
in Leaphigh since the law was passed making
promises a legal tender."
" I wonder no Chancenlor of the Exchequer
ever thought of this, at home!"
" So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!" And then there was another and a very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense of
national humility.
" As they have universities," cried another coxcomb, "perhaps this person has attended one of
them."
"Indeed, sir," I answered, "I am regularly
graduated."
" It is not easy to see what he has done with
his knowledge,-for, though my sight is none of
the worst, I can not trace the smallest sign of a
cauda about him."
" Ah!" Lord Chatterino good-naturedly explained, "the inhabitants of Great Breeches carry their
brains in their heads."
"Their heads!"
"Heads!"
"That's excellent. by His Majesty's preroga
tive! Here's civilization, with a vengeance!"
I now thought that the general ridicule would
overwhelm me. Two or three came closer, as ii
21 *




246             THE MONIKINS.
in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried out
that I actually wore clothes.
"Clothes-the wretch! Chatterino, do all your
human friends wear clothes?"
The young peer was obliged to confess the truth:
and then there arose such a clamor as may be
fancied took place among the peacocks, when they
discovered the daw among them in masquerade.
Human nature could endure no more; and, bowing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino,
very hurriedly good morning, and proceeded
towards the tavern.,"Don't forget to step into Chatterino-house,
Goldencalf, before you sail," cried my late fellowtraveller, looking over his shoulder, and nodding
in quite a friendly way towards me.
"King!" exclaimed Captain Poke. " That blackguard ate a whole bread-locker-full of nuts, on our
outward passage, and, now, he tells us to step into
his Chatterino-house, before we sail!"
I endeavoured to pacify the sealer, by an appeal
to his philosophy. It was true that men never forgot obligations, and were always excessively anxious to repay them; but the monikins were an exceedingly instructed species; they thought more
of their minds than of their bodies, as was plain
by comparing the smallness of the latter with the
length and development of the seat of reason;
and one of his experience should know that good.
breeding is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that
we ought to respect its laws, however opposed to
our own previous practices.
" I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material difference in the usages of
Paris, for instance, and those of Stunin'tun."
" That I have, Sir John, that I have; and alto.
gether to the advantage of Stunin'tun be they."




THE MONIKINS.            247
"We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our own customs best; and it requires that
we should travel much, before we are able to decide on points so nice."
" And do you not call me a traveller! - Haven't I
been sixteen times a sealing, twice a whaling, without counting my cruise over-land, and this last run
to Leaphigh!"
" Ay, you have gone over much land and much
water, Mr. Poke; but your stay in any given place
has been just long enough to find fault. Usages
must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of
the fit."
It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not
Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, at that moment, come wriggling by, in a way to show she was much satisfied
with her safe return home. To own the truth,
while striving to find apologies for it, I had been a
little contrarig, as the French term it, by the indifference of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret
heart, I was not slow in attributing to the manner
in which a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded,
de haut en bas, a mere Baronet of Great Britainor Great Breeches, as the young noble so pertinaciously insisted on terming our illustrious island.
Now, as Mrs. Vigilance was of "russet-color," a
caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt that
she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir
John Goldencalf of Householder Hall, as the other
might be willing to shuffle it off.
"Good morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance," I said
familiarly, endeavoring to wriggle in a way that
would have shaken a tail, had it been my good fortune to be the owner of one —"Good morrow,
good Mrs. Vigilance-I'm glad to meet you again
on shore."
I do not rernember that Mrs. Viog;lance, during




248             THE MON1IKIlS.
the whole period of our acquaintance, was par.
ticularly squeamish, or topping in her deportment.
On the contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable for a modest and commendable reserve.
But, on the present occasion, she disappointed all
reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side,
uttering a slight scream, and hurrying past as if
she thought we might bite her. Indeed, I can only
compare her deportment to that of a female of our
own, who is so full of vanity as to fancy all eyes
on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog or
a spider, because she thinks they make her look so
much the more interesting. Conversation was quite
out of the question; for the duenna hurried on,
bending her head downward, as if heartily ashamed
of an involuntary weakness.
"Well, good madam," said Noah, whose stern
eye followed her movements until she was quite lost
in the crowd, "you would have had a sleepless
v'yage, if I had fore-imagined this! Sir John,
these people stare at us as if we were wild beasts!"
"1 cannot say I am of your way of thinking,
Captain Poke. To me they seem to take no more
notice of us, than we should take of two curs in the
streets of London."
"I begin, now, to understand what the parsons
mean when they talk of the lost condition of man.
It's ra'ally awful to witness to what a state of unfeelingness a people can be abandoned! Bob, got
out of the way, you grinning blackguard."
Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would
have demolished his stern-frame, had it not been
for the union-jack. Just then I was glad to see
Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by
a group of attentive listeners, all of whom, by their
years, gravity and deportment, I made no question
were savans. As he drew near, I found he was




THE MONIKNS.             249
discoursing of the marvels of his late voyage.
When within six feet of us the whole party stopped,
the Doctor continuing to descant, with a very
proper gesticulation, and in a way to show that his
subject was of infinite interest to his listeners.
Accidentally turning his eye in our direction, he
caught a glimpse of our figures, and making a few
hurried apologies to those around him, the excellent philosopher came eagerly forward, with both
hands extended. Here was a difference, indeed,
between his treatment and that of Lord Chatterino
and the duenna! The salutation was warmly
returned; and the Doctor and myself stepped a
little apart, as he lost no time in informing me he
wished to say a word in private.
"My dear Sir John," the philosopher began,
"' our arrival has been the most happily-timed thing
imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is filled
with the subject; and you can scarcely conceive
the importance that is attached to the event. New
sources of trade, scientific discoveries, phenomena
both moral and physical, and results that it is
thought may serve to raise the monikin civilization still higher than ever. Fortunately, the academy holds its most solemn meeting of the year this
very day, and I have been formally requested to
give the assembly an outline of those events which
have lately passed before my eyes. The King's
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender is to
attend openly; and it is even conjectured, in a way
to be quite authentic, that the King himself will 4e
present in his own royal person."
"How 1" I exclaimed; "have you a mode, in
Leaphigh, of rendering conjectures certain?"
"Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be worth? As to the King's Majesty, we
always deal in the most direct ambiguities. Now




250             THE MONIKINS.
as respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign
is known morally to be present, when he may be
actually and physically eating his dinner at the
other extremity of the island; this important illustration of the royal ubiquity is effected by means of
a legal fiction. On the other hand, the King often
indulges his natural propensities, such as curiosity,
love of fun, or detestation of ennui, by coming
in person, when, by the court-fiction, he is thought
to be seated on his throne, in his own royal palace.
Oh! as to all these little accomplishments and graces
in the art of Truths, we are behind no people in the
universe i"
"'I beg pardon, Doctor-so his Majesty is expected to be at the academy, this morning."
" In a private box. Now this affair is of the last
importance to me as a savant, to you as a human
being-for it will have a direct tendency to raise
your whole species in the monikin estimation-and,
lastly, to learning. It will be indispensably necessary that you should attend, with as many of your
companions as possible-more especially the better
specimens. I was coming down to the landing, in
the hope of meeting you; and a messenger has
gone off to the ship to require that the people be
sent ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to
yourselves; and, really, I do not like to express
beforehand what I think concerning the degree of
attention you will all receive; but this much I think
I can say —you will see."
"This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little
by surprise, and I hardly know what answer to
give."
"You cannot say no, Sir John; for, should his
Majesty hear that you have refused to come to a
meeting at which he is to be present, it would




TH;E MONIKINS.           251
seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him:nor could I answer for the consequences."
" Why, I was told that all the power was in the
hands of his Majesty's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender; in which case I thought I might
snap my fingers at his Majesty himself."
"Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the
three estates of the government. Ours is a government of three estates-viz. the Law, Opinion, and
Practice. By law the king rules, by practice his
cousin rules, and by opinion the king again rules.
Thus is the strong point of practice balanced by
law and opinion. This it is that constitutes the
harmony and perfection of the system. No, it
would never do to offend his Majesty."
Although I did not very well comprehend the
Doctor's argument, yet, as I had often found in
human society, theories political, moral, theologice
and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, an'
which nobody understood, I thought discussion,
useless, and gave up the point by promising the
Doctor to be at the academy in half an hour, which
was the time named for our appearance. Taking
he necessary directions to find the place, we sepa.
rated; he to hasten to make his preparations, and I
to reach the tavern, in order to deposit our baggage,
that no decency might A'" overlooked on an occasion so solemn.




252              THE MONIKINS.
CHAPTER XVI.
Ar inn-Debts paid in advance, and a singular touch of human
nature found closely incorporated with monikin nature.
WE soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed
our clothes, and made the other little arrangements
that it was necessary to observe for the credit of
the species. Everything being ready, we left the
inn, and hurriea towards the "Palais des Arts et des
Sciences." We had not got out of sight of the inn,
however, before one of its garfons was at our heels
with a message from his mistress. He told us, in
very respectful tones, that his master was out, and
that he had taken with him the key of the strongbox; that there was not actually money enough in
the drawer to furnish an entertainment for such
great persons as ourselves, and she had taken the
liberty to send us a bill receipted, with a request
that we would make a small advance, rather than
reduce her to the mortification of treating such distinguished guests in an unworthy manner. The
bill read as follows:
No. 1 parti-color and friends
To No. 82,763 grape color    Dr.
To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as
per agreement, p. p. 300 per diem-one day,   p. p. 300
By cash advanced,                  50
Balance due p. p. 250




THE MONIKINS.            253
"This seems all right," I observed to Noah; "but
I am, at this moment, as penniless as the good woman
herself. I really do not see what we are to do,
unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts —-- "
" Harkee, my nimble-go-hop," put in the seaman,
"what is your pleasure?"
The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his
mistress's wants.
"What are these p. p. that I find noted in the
bill-play or pay, hey?"
" Promises, of course, your honor."
"Oh! then you desire fifty promises, to provide
our dinner."
" Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall
dine like noblemen-ay, sir, like aldermen."
I was delighted to find that this worthy class of
beings have the same propensities in all countries.
" Here, take a hundred," answered Noah, snapping his fingers, " and make no bones of it. And
harkee, my worthy-lay out every farthing of
them in the fare. Let there be good cheer, and no
one will grumble at the bill. I am ready to buy the
inn, and all it holds, at need."
The waiter departed well satisfied with these
assurances, and apparently in the anticipation of
good vails for his own trouble.
We soon got into the current that was setting
towards our place of destination. On reaching the
gate, we found we were anxiously expected; for
there was an attendant in waiting, who instantly
conducted us to the seats that were provided for
our special reception. It is always agreeable to be
among the privileged, and I must own that we were
all not a little flattered, on finding'' that an elevated
tribune had been prepared for us, in the centre of
the rotunda in which the academy held its sittings,
so that we could see, and be seen by, every indivi.
22




254            THE MONIKINS.
dual of the crowded assembly. The whole crew
even to the negro-cook, had preceded us; an addi.
tional compliment, that I did not fail to acknowledge,
by suitable salutations to all the members present.
After the first feelings of pleasure and surprise were
a little abated, I had leisure to look about me and
to survey the company.
The academicians occupied the whole of the
body of the rotunda, the space taken up by the
erection of our temporary tribune alone excepted;
while there were sofas, chairs, tribunes and benches
arranged for the spectators, in the outer circles,
and along the side-walls of the hall. As the edifice
itself was very large, and mind had so essentially
reduced matter in the monikin species, there could
not have been less than fifty thousand tails present.
Just before the ceremonies commenced, Dr. Reasono approached our tribune, passing from one to
another of the party, saying a pleasant and an encouraging word to each, in a way to create high expectations in us all, as to what was to follow. We
were so very evidently honored and distinguished,
that I struggled hard to subdue any unworthy feeling of pride, as unbecoming human meekness, and
in order to maintain a philosophical equanimity
under the manifestations of respect and gratitude
that I knew were about to be lavished upon even
the meanest of our party. The Doctor was yet in
the midst of his pointed attentions, when the King's
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender entered,
and the business of the meeting immediately began.
I profited by a short pause, however, to say a few
words to my companions. I told them there would
soon be a serious demand on their modesty. We
had performed a great and generous exploit, and it
did not become us to lessen its merit by betraying
a vain-glorious self-esteem. I implored them all to




THE MONIKINS.           255
take pattern by me; promising, in the end, that
their new friends would trebly prize their hardihood,
self-denial and skill.
There was a new member of the academy of
Latent Sympathies to be received and installed. A
long discourse was read by one of this department
of the monikin learning, which pointed out and
enlarged on the rare merits of the new academician.
He was followed by the latter; who, in a very elaborate production, that consumed just fifty-five
minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade
the audience that the defunct was a loss to the world,
that no accident or application would ever repair;
and that he himself was precisely the worst person
who could have been selected to be his successor.
I was a little surprised at the perfect coolness with
which the learned body listened to a reproach, that
was so very distinctly and perseveringly thrown,
as it were, into their very teeth. But a more intimate acquaintance with monikin society satisfied
me, that any one might say just what he pleased,
so long as he allowed that every one else was an
excellent fellow, and he himself the poorest devil
going. When the new member had triumphantly
established his position, and just as I thought his
colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to
reconsider their vote, he concluded and took his
seat among them, with quite as much assurance as
the best philosopher of them all.
After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations on his excellent and self-debasing discourse,
the newly-admitted member again rose, and began
to read an essay on some discoveries he had made
in the science of Latent Sympathies. According to
his account of the matter, every monikin possessed
a fluid which was invisible, like the animalcula
which pervade nature, and which required only




256             THE MONIKINS..o be brought into command, and to be reduced to
more rigid laws, to become the substitutes for the
senses of sight, touch, taste, hearing and smelling.
This fluid was communicable; and had already been
so far rendered subject to the will, as to make it of
service in seeing in the dark, in smelling when the
operator had a bad cold, in tasting when the palate
was down, and in touching by proxy. Ideas had
been transmitted, through its agency, sixty-two
leagues in one minute and a half. Two monikins,
who were afflicted with diseased tails, had, during
the last two years, been insulated and saturated,
and had then lost those embellishments, by operations; a quantity of the fluid having been substituted
in their places so happily, that the patients fancied
themselves more than ever conspicuous for the
ength and finesse of their caudea. An experiment had also been successfully tried on a member
of the lower house of parliament, who, being married to a monikina of unusual mind, had for a long
ime been supplied with ideas from this source,
although his partner was compelled to remain
at home, in order to superintend the management,f their estate, forty-two miles from town, during
ihe whole session. He particularly recommended
to government the promotion of this science, as it
might be useful in obtaining evidence for the purposes of justice, in detecting conspiracies, in collecting the taxes, and in selecting candidates for
trusts of a responsible nature. The suggestion was
well received by the King's cousin, more especially
those parts that alluded to sedition and the revenue.
This essay was also perfectly well received by
the sa2.ans, for I afterwards found very little came
amiss to the academy; and the members named
a committee forthwith, to examine into " the'acts




THE MONIKINS.            257
concerning invisible and unknown fluids, their agen,
cy, importance, and relations to monikin happiness."
We were next favored with a discussion on the
differeat significations of the word gorstchwzyb;
which, rendered into English, means "eh!" The
celebrated philologist who treated the subject, discovered amazing ingenuity in expatiating on its
ramifications and deductions. First, he tried the
letters by transpositions, by which he triumphantly
proved that it was derived from all the languages
of the ancients; the same process showed that it
possessed four thousand and two different significations; he next reasoned most ably and comprehensively for ten minutes, backwards and forwards,
using no other word but this, applied in its various
senses; after which, he incontrovertibly established
that this important part of speech was so useful as
to be useless, and he concluded by a proposition,
in which the academy coincided by acclamation,
that it should be for ever and incontinently expunged
from the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was
carried by acclamation, the King's cousin arose,
and declared that the writer who should so far
offend against good taste, as hereafter to make use of
the condemned word, should have two inches cut off
the extremity of his tail. A shudder among the
ladies, who, I afterwards ascertained, loved to carry
their caudce as high as our women like to carry their
heads, proved the severity of the decree.
An experienced and seemingly much respected
member now arose to make the following proposal. He said it was known that the monikin species
was fast approaching perfection; that the increase
of mind and the decrease of matter was so very
apparent as to admit of no denial; that, in his own
case, he found his physical powers diminish daily
while his mental acquired new distinctness and
22 *




258             THE MONIKINS.
force that he could no longer see without spectacles, near without a tube, or taste without highseaso;ling: from all this he inferred that they were
drawing near to some important change, and he
wished that portion of the science of Latent Sympathies which was connected with the unknown
fluid, just treated on, might be referred to a committee of the whole, in order to make some provision for the wants of a time when monikins should
finally lose their senses. There was nothing to say
against a proposition so plausible, and it was accepted nemine contradicente, with the exception of
a few in the minority.
There was now a good deal of whispering, much
wagging of tails, and other indications that the real
business of the meeting was about to be touched
upon. All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who,
after a suitable pause, entered a tribune prepared
for solemn occasions, and began his discourse.
The philosopher, who, having committed his essay
to memory, spoke extempore, commenced with a
beautiful and most eloquent apostrophe to learning, and to the enthusiasm which glows in the
breasts of all her real votaries, rendering them
alike indifferent to their personal ease, their temporal interests, danger, suffering, and tribulations of
the spirit. After this exordium, which was pronounced to be unique for its simplicity and truth,
he entered, at once, on the history of his own recent adventures.
First alluding to the admirable character of that
Leaphigh usage which prescribes the Journey of
Trial, our philosopher spoke of the manner in which
he had been selected to accompany my Lord Chatterino on an occasion so important to his future
hopes. He dwelt on the physical preparations, the
previous study, and the moral machinery that he




THE MONIKINS.           259
had employed with his pupil, before they quitted
town; all of which, there is reason to think, were
well fitted to their objects, as he was constantly
interrupted by murmurs of applause. After some
time spent in dilating on these points, I had, at
length, the satisfaction to find him, Mrs. Lynx, and
their two wards, fairly setting out on a journey
which, as he very justly mentioned, proved "to be
pregnant with events of so much importance to
knowledge in general, to the happiness of the species, and to several highly interesting branches of
monikin science, in particular." I say the satisfaction, for, to own the truth, I was eager to witness
the effect that would be made on the monikin sensibilities, when he came to speak of my own discernment in detecting their real characters beneath
the contumely and disgrace in which it had been
my good fortune to find them, the promptitude with
which I had stepped forward to their relief, and the
liberality and courage with which I had furnished
the means and encountered the risks, that were necessary to restore them to their native land. The
anticipation of this human triumph could not but
diffuse a general satisfaction in our tribune,-even
the common mariners, as they recalled the dangers
through which they had passed, feeling a consciousness of deserving, mingled with that soothing sentiment which is ever the companion of a merited
reward. As the philosopher drew nearer to the
time when it would be necessary to speak of us, I
threw a look of triumph at Lord Chatterino, which,
however, failed of its intended effect,-the young
peer continuing to whisper to his noble companions
with just as much self-importance and coolness as
if he had not been one of the rescued captives.
Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his
colleagues, for ingenuity and eloquence. The ex




260            THE MON1KINS.
cellent morals that he threw in. o every possible
opening of his subject, the beauty of the figures
with which they were illustrated, and the masculine tendencies of his argument, gave general delight to the audience. The Journey of Trial was
made to appear, what it had been intended to be
by the fathers and sages of the Leaphigh institutions,
a probation replete with admonitions and instruction. The aged and experienced, who had grown
callous by time, could not conceal their exultation;
the mature and suffering looked grave and full of
meditation; while the young and sanguine fairly
trembled, and, for once, doubted. But, as the philosopher led his party from precipice to precipice
in safety, as rocks were scaled and seductive valleys avoided, a common feeling of security began
to extend itself among the audience; and we all
followed him in his last experiment among the ice,
with that sort of blind confidence which the soldier
comes, in time, to entertain in the orders of a tried
and victorious general.
The Doctor was graphic in his account of the
manner in which he and his wards plunged among
these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa (for all his
travelling companions were present,) bent aside her
head and blushed, as the philosopher alluded to the
manner in which the, pure flame that glowed in her
gentle bosom resisted the chill influence of that cold
region; and when he recited an ardent declaration
that my Lord Chatterino had made on the centre
of a floe, and the kind and amorous answer of his
mistress, I thought the applause of the old academicians would have actually brought the vaulted
dome clattering about our ears.
At length he reached the point in the narrative,
where the amiable wanderers fell in with the sealers, on that unknown island to which chance and




THE MONIKINS.            261
an adverse fortune had unhappily led them, in their
pilgrimage. I had taken measures secretly to instruct Mr. Poke and the rest of my companions, as
to the manner in which it became us to demean
ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the
academy with that first outrage committed by human cupidity, or the seizure of himself and friends.
We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our faces
a little on one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame.
Less than this, it struck me, could scarcely be done,
without manifesting an improper indiffirence to
monikin rights; and more than this, might have
been identifying ourselves with the particular individuals of the species who had perpetrated the
wrong. But there was no occasion to exhibit this
delicate attention to our learned hosts. The Dqctor, with a refinement of feeling that did credit,
indeed, to monikin civilization, gave an ingenious
turn to the whole affair, which at once removed all
cause of shame from our species; and which, if it
left reason for any to blush, by a noble act of disinterestedness, threw the entire onus of the obligation on himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless manner in which he and his friends had been
seized, the worthy Doctor very tranquilly informed
his listeners that, finding himself, by hazard, brought
in contact with another species, and that the means
of pushing important discoveries were unexpectedly
placed in his power; conscious it had long been
a desideratum with the savans to obtain a nearer
view and more correct notions of human society;
believing he had a discretion in the matter of his
wards, and knowing that the inhabitants of Leaplow, a republic which all disliked, were seriously
talking of sending out an expedition for this very
purpose, he had promptly decided to profit by
events, to push inquiry to the extent of his abilities,




I62            THE MONIKINS.
and to hazard all in the cause of learning and truth,
by at once engaging the vessel of the sealers, and
sail:ng, without dread of consequences, forthwith
into the very bosom of the world of man!
I have listened with awe to the thunder of the
tropics, —I have held my breath as the artillery of
a fleet vomited forth its fire, and rent the air with
sudden concussions, —I have heard the roar of the
tumbling river of the Canadas, and I have stood
aghast at the crashing of a forest in a tornado;but never before did I feel so life-stirring, so thrilling an emotion, of surprise, alarm and sympathy,
as that which arose within me, at the burst of commendation and delight with which this announcement of self-devotion and enterprise was received
by the audience. Tails waved, pattes met each other
in ecstasy, voice whistled to voice, and there was
one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of
glorification, at this proof, not of monikin, for that
would have been frittering away the triumph, but
at this proof of Leaphigh courage!
During the clamor, I took an opportunity to
express my satisfaction at the handsome manner
in which our friend the Doctor had passed over
an acknowledged human delinquency, and the ingenuity with which he had turned the whole of the
unhappy transaction to the glory of Leaphigh.
Sioah answered that the philosopher had certainly
" shown a knowledge of human natur', and he presumed of monikin natur', in the matter; no one
would now dispute his statement, since, as he knew
by experience, no one was so likely to be set down
as a liar, as he who endeavored to unsettle the
good opinion that either a community or an individual entertained of himself. This was the way at
Stunin'tun, and he believed this was pretty much
the way at New-York, or he might say with the




THE MONIKINS.           263
whole'arth, from pole to pole. As for himself,
however, he owned he should like to have a few
minutes' private conversation with the sealer in
question, to hear his account of the matter; he
didn't know any owner in his part of the world,
who would bear a captain out, should he abandon
a v'yage in this way, on no better security than the
promises of a monkey, and of a monkey, too, who
must, of necessity, be an utter stranger to him."
When the tumult of applause had a little abated,
Dr. Reasono proceeded with his narrative. He
touched lightly on the accommodations of the
schooner, which he gave us reason to think were
altogether of a quality beneath the condition of her
passengers; and he added that, falling in with a
larger and fairer vessel, which was making a passage
between Bombay and Great Britain, he profited by
the occasion, to exchange ships. This vessel touched
at the island of St. Helena, where, according to the
Doctor's account of the matter, he found means to
pass the greater part of a week on shore.
Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific, and certainly an interesting account. It was
reported to be volcanic, by the human savans, he
said, but a minute examination and a comparison
of the geological formation, &c., had quite satisfied
him that their own ancient account, which was
contained in the mineralogical works of Leaphigh,
was the true one; or, in other words, that this rock
was a fragment of the polar world that had been
blown away at the great eruption, and which had
become separated from the rest of the mass at this
spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of
the ocean. Here the Doctor produced certain spe.
cimens of rock, which he submitted to the learned
present, inviting their attention to its character, and
asking, with great mineralogical confidence, if it did




264             THE MONIKINS.
xot intimately resemble a well-known stratum of a
mountain within two leagues of the very spot they
were in? This triumphant proof of the truth of his
proposition was admirably received; and the philosopher was in particular rewarded by the smiles
of all the females present; for ladies usually are
well pleased with any demonstration that saves
them the trouble of comparison and reflection.
Before quitting this branch of his subject, the
Doctor observed that, interesting as were these
proofs of the accuracy of their histories, and of the
great revolutions of inanimate nature, there was
another topic connected with St. Helena, which, he
felt certain, would excite a lively emotion in the
breasts of all who heard him. At the period of his
visit, the island had been selected as a prison for a
great conqueror and disturber of his fellow-creatures; and public attention was much drawn to the
spot by this circumstance, few men coming there
who did not permit all their thoughts to be absorbed
by the past acts, and the present fortunes, of the
individual in question. As for himself, there was
of course no great attraction in any events connected with mere human greatness, the little struggles and convulsions of the species containing no
particular interest for a devotee of the monikin
philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were
drawn in one direction, afforded him a liberty of
action that he had eagerly improved, in a way that,
he humbly trusted, would not be thought altogether
unworthy of their approbation. While searching
for minerals among the cliffs, his attention had been
drawn to certain animals that are called monkeys,
in the language of those regions; which, from very
obvious affinities of a physical nature, there was
some reason to believe might have had a common
origin with the monikin species. The academy




THE MONIKINS.             265
would at once see how desirable it wvas to learn
all the interesting particulars of the habits, language, customs, marriages, funerals, religious opinions, traditions, state of learning, and general
moral condition of this interesting people, with a
view to ascertain whether they were merely one
of those abortions to which, it is known, nature is
in the practice of giving birth, in the outward appearance of their own species, or whether, as several of their best writers had plausibly maintained,
they were indeed a portion of those whom they
had been in the habit of designating as the "Lost
Monikins." He had succeeded in getting access
to a family of these beings, and in passing an entire
day in their society. The result of his investigations
was, that they were truly of the monikin family,
retaining much of the ingenuity and many of the
spiritual notions of their origin, but with their intellects sadly blunted, and perhaps their improvable
qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the elements that had scattered them abroad upon the
face of the earth, houseless, hopeless, regionless
wanderers. The vicissitudes of climate, and a great
alteration of habits, had certainly wrought some
physical changes; but there still remained a sufficient scientific identity to prove they were monikins.
They even retained, in their traditions, some glimmerings of the awful catastrophe by which they
were separated from the rest of their fellow-creatures; but they necessarily were vague and profitless.
Having touched on several other points connected
with these very extraordinary facts, the Doctor
concluded by saying that he saw but one way in
which this discovery could be turned to any practical advantage, beyond the confirmation it afforded
of the truth of their own annals. He suggested the
oxpediency of fitting out expeditions to go among




266            THE MONIKINS.
Mhese islands and seize upon a number of families,
which, being transported into Leaphigh, might found
a race of useful menials, who, while they would
prove much less troublesome than those who possessed all the knowledge of monikins, would probably be found more intelligent and useful than any
domestic animal which they at present owned.
This happy application of the subject met with
decided commendation. I observed that most of
the elderly females put their heads together on the
spot, and appeared to be congratulating each other
on the prospect of being speedily relieved from their
household cares.
Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from
St. Helena, and of his finally landing in Portuga2.
Here, agreeably to his account, he engaged cer.
tain Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides
during a tour he intended to make through Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, France, &c. &c. &c. I
listened with admiration. Never before had I
so lively a perception of the vast difference that
is effected in our views of matters and things, by
the agency of an active philosophy, as was now
furnished by the narrative of the speaker. Instead
of complaining of the treatment he had received,
and of the degradations to which he and his companions had been subjected, he spoke of it all as so
much prudent submission, on his part, to the customs of the countries in which he happened to find
himself, and as the means of ascertaining a thousand important facts, both moral and physical,
which he proposed to submit to the academy in a
separate memoir, another day. At present, he
was admonished by the clock to conclude, and he
would therefore hasten his narrative, as much as
possible.
The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed




THE MONIKINS.           267
that he could gladly have passed a year or two
longer in those distant and highly interesting portions of the earth; but he could not forget that he
had a duty to perform to the friends of two noble
families. The Journey of Trial had been completed
under the most favorable auspices, and the ladies
naturally became anxious to return home. They
had accordingly passed into Great Britain, a country remarkable for maritime enterprise, where he
Immediately commenced the necessary preparations for their sailing. A ship had been procured
under the promise of allowing it to be freighted,
free of custom-house charges, with the products
of Leaphigh. A thousand applications had been
made to him for permission to be of his party, the
natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized
country; but prudence had admonished him to
accept of those only who were the most likely to
make themselves useful. The King of Great Britain, no mean prince in human estimation, had
committed his only son and heir-apparent to his
care, with a view to his improvement by travelling; and the Lord High Admiral himself had
asked permission to take command of an expedition that was of so much importance to knowledge
in general, and to his own profession in particular.
Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune, and
presented Bob to the academy as the Prince-Royal
of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as her Lord
High Admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities about the former, the smut in particular,
which had become pretty effectually incorporated
with the skin, as so many signs of royal birth;
and ordering the youngster to unease, he drew
forth the union-jack that the lad carefully kept
about his nether part as a fender, and exhibited it
as his armorial bearings-a modification of its




268             THE MONIKINS.
wes that would not have been very far out of the
way, had another limb been substituted for the
agent. As for Captain Poke, he requested the
academicians to study his nautical air, in general,
as furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and
of the ordinary appearance of human seamen.
Turning to me, I was then introduced to all
present as the travelling governor and personal
attendant of Bob, and as a very respectable person in my way. He added, that he believed, also,
I had some pretension to be the discoverer of
something that was called the social-stake system;
which, he dared to say, was a very creditable discovery for one of my opportunities.
By this prompt substitution of employments, I
found I had effectually changed places with the
cabin-boy; who, instead of waiting on me, was, in
future, to receive that trifling attention at my
hands, The mates were presented as two rearadmirals at nurse, and the crew was said to be
composed of so many post-captains in the navy
of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was
given to understand that we were all brought to
Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. Helena, as
so many specimens of the human species!
I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a
very different view of himself and his acts, as well
as of me and my acts, from those I had all along
entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so
common to consider ourselves in lights very different from those in which we are viewed by
others, that I could not, on the whole, complain as
much of his representations as I had at first thought
it might become me to do. At all events, I was
completely spared the necessity of blushing for my
generosity and disinterestedness, and in other reapects was saved the pain of viewing any part




THE MONIKJNS.           269
of my own conduct under a consciousness of its
attracting attention by its singularity on the score
of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I was both
surprised, and a little indignant; but the sudden and
unexpected turn that had been given to the whole
affair threw me so completely off my centre, that,
for the life of me, I could not say a word in my own
behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey
Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would
show the spectators that, on the whole, he thought
me a very good sort of a fellow!
After the lecture was over, the audience ap.
proached to examine us, taking a great many
amiable liberties with our persons, and otherwise
showing that we were deemed curiosities wor.
thy of their study. The King's cousin, too, was
not neglectful of us, but he had it announced to
the assembly that we were entirely welcome to
Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to IDr. Reasono,
we were all promoted to the dignity of "Honorary
Monikins," for the entire period of our stay in the
country. He also caused it to be proclaimed, that
if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should
have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As
for the Doctor himself, it was proclaimed that, in
addition to his former title of F.U.D.G.E., he was
now preferred to be even M. O. R. E., and that he
was also raised to the dignity of an H.O.A.X., the
very highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain.
At length curiosity was appeased, and we were?ermitted to descend from the tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to pay
attention to each other. As I had time, now, to
recollect myself, I did not lose a moment in taking
the two mates aside, to present a proposition that
we should go, in a body, before a notary, and entei
23 e




270            THE MONIKINS.
a protest against the unaccountable errors into
which Dr. Reasono had permitted himself to fall,
whereby the truth was violated, the rights of per.
sons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leap.
high philosophy misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well received; and I was compelled
to quit the two rear-admirals, and to go in quest of
the crew, with the conviction that the former had been
purchased. An appeal to the reckless, frank, loyal
natures of the common seamen, I thought, would
not fail to meet with better success. Here, too, I was
fated to encounter disappointment. The men swore
a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was
a good country. They expected pay and rations,
as a matter of course, in proportion to their new
rank; and having tasted the sweets of command,
they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their
good fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard
for the tar-pot.
Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by their unexpected elevation, I
determined to hunt up Bob, and, by dint of Mr.
Poke's ordinary application, compel him, at least,
in despite of the union-jack, to return to a sense of
his duty, and to reassume his old post as the servitor of my wants. I found the little blackguard in
the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who
were lavishing their attentions on his worthless per-:son, and otherwise doing all they could to eradicate
everything like humility, or any good quality that
might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave
me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for
he wore the union-jack over his shoulder, in the
manner of a royal mantle, while the females of inferior rank pressed about him to kiss its hem! The
air with which he received this adulation, fairiv
imposed on even me; and, fearful that the monikmas
might mob me, should I attempt to undeceive them




THE MONIKINS.           271
-for monikinas, let them be of what species they
may, always hug a delusion, —I abandoned my
hostile intentions, for the moment, and hurried after
Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of bringing
one of his natural rectitude of mind, to a right way
of thinking.
The Captain heard my remonstrances with a
decent respect. He even seemed to enter into my
feelings with a proper degree of sympathy He
very frankly admitted that I had not been well
treated by Dr. Reasono, and he appeared to think
that a private conversation with that individual
might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him
to a more reasonable representation of facts. But,
as to any sudden and violent appeal to public opinion for justice, or an ill-advised recourse to a notary, he strenuously objected to both. The purport
of his remarks was somewhat as follows: —
" He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law
of protests, and, in consequence, we might spend
our money in paying fees, without reaping any advantage; the Doctor, moreover, was aphilosopher,
an F. U. D. G. E., and an H. O. A. X., and these were
fearful odds to contend against in any country, and
more especially in a foreign country; he had an
innate dislike for law-suits; the loss of my station
was certainly a grievance, but, still, it might be
borne; as for himself, he never asked for the office
of Lord High Admiral of Great Britain, but, as it
had been thrust upon him, why, he would do his
best to sustain the character; he knew his friends
at Stunin'tun would be glad to hear of his promotion, for, though in his country there were no Lords,
nor even any Admirals, his countrymen were always
exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of their fellowcitizens were preferred to those stations by any body
but themselves, seeming to think an honor confer.
red on one, was an honor conferred on the whole




272            THE MONIKINS.
nation; he liked to confer nonor on his own nation;
for no people on'arth tuck up a notion of this sort,
and divided it among themselves in a way to give
each a share, sooner than the people of the States,
though they were very cautious about leaving any
portion of the credit in first hands, and, therefore,
he was disposed to keep as much as he could, while
it was in his power; he believed he was a better
seaman than most of the Lord High Admirals who
had gone before him, and he had no fears on that
score; he wondered whether his promotion made
Miss Poke Lady High Admiral; as I seemed greatly put out about my own rank, he would give me
the acting appointment of a chaplain, (he did n't
think I was qualified to be a sea-officer,) and no
doubt I had interest enough at home to get it confirmed; a great statesman in his country had said,
-" that few die and none resigned," and he did n't
like to be the first to set new fashions; for his part,
he rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend,
and it was unpleasant to quarrel with one's friends;
he was willing to do any thing, in reason, but resign, and if I could persuade the Doctor to say he
had fallen into a mistake in my particular case, and
that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a Lord High
Ambassador, Lord High Priest, or Lord High any
thing else, except Lord High Admiral, why, he was
ready to swear to it-though he now gave notice
that, in the event of such an arrangement, he should
claim to rank me in virtue of the date of his own
commission; if he gave up his appointment a minute
sooner than was absolutely necessary, he should
lose his own self-respect, and never dare look Miss
Poke in the face, again; on the whole, he should
do no such thing; and, finally, he wished me a
good morning, as he was about to make a call on
the Lord High Admiral of Leaphigh.'




THE MONIKINS.           273
CHAPTER XVII.
New lords, new laws-Gyration, rotation, and another na
tion;-also an invitation.
I FELT that my situation had now become ex.
ceedingly peculiar. It is true that my modesty had
been unexpectedly spared, by the very ingenious
turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our
connexion with each other; but I could not see that
I had gained any other advantage by the expedient.
All my own species had, in a sense, cut me; and I
was obliged to turn despondingly, and not without
humiliation, towards the inn, where the banquet
ordered by Mr. Poke waited our appearance.
I had reached the great square, when a tap on
the knee drew my attention to one at my side. The
applicant for notice was a monikin, who had all the
physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and
yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the
inhabitants of that country, by a longer and less
cultivated nap to his natural garment, greater
shrewdness about the expression of the eyes:and
the mouth, a general air of business, and, for a
novelty, a bob-cauda. He was accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the species I
had yet seen. I was addressed by the former.
"Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he commenced, with a sort of jerk, that I afterwards
learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation;
"you have not met with the very best treatment
to-day, and I have been waiting for a good opporcunity to make my condolences, and to offer my
services."




274             THE MONIKINS.
" Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little
wronged; and I must say, sympathy is most grate"ul to my feelings. You will, however, allow me
to express my surprise at your being acquainted
with my real name, as well as with my misfortunes?"
" Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The population is very much
scattered in my country, and we have fallen into a
practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a
state of things. I think you must have observed
that in passing along a common highway, you
rarely meet another without a nod; while thousands are met in a crowded street without even a
glance of the eye. We develop this principle, sir;
and never let any fact escape us, for the want of a
laudable curiosity."
" You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?"
"God forbid!-No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a glorious republic that lies three
days' sail from this island; a new nation, which is
in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and
vigor, and which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its conceptions, the purity of its institutions,
and its sacred respect for the rights of monikins. 1
have the honor to be, moreover, the Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary of the republic to the King of Leaphigh, a nation from which
we originally sprung, but which we have left far
behind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I
ought to acquaint you with my name, sir, in return
for the advantage I possess on this head, in relation
to yourself."
Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my
hand one of his visiting-cards, which contained as
follows:



THE MONIKINS.              275
General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel,
PEOPLE'S FRIrND:
Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipo
tentiary from the Republic of Leaplow
near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh.
"Sir," said 1, pulling off my hat with a profound
reverence, " I was not aware to whom I had the
honor of speaking. You appear to fill a variety
of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal
skill."
" Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one
of my professions, as at another."
" You will permit me to observe, however, General-a —a-Judge-a-a-I scarcely know, dear
sir, which of these titles is the most to your taste?"
" Use which you please, sir.-I began with General, but had got as low as Colonel before I left
home. People's Friend is the only appellation of
which I am at all tenacious. Call me People's
Friend, sir, and you may call me anything else you
find most convenient."
"Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture
to ask if you have really, propria persona, filled all
these different stations in life 1"
"Certainly, sir-I hope you do not mistake me
for an impostor!"
"As far from it as possible.-But a judge and a
commodore, for instance, are characters whose
duties are so utterly at variance, in human affairs,
that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a
monikin, a little extraordinary."' Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each,
served my time out in them all, and have honorable
discharges to show in every instance."
"You must have found some perplexity in the
performance of duties so very different?"




276             THE IMONIKINS,
" Ah-I see you have been long enough in Leap.
high to imbibe some of its prejudices! It is a sad
country for prejudice. I got my foot mired in some
of them myself, as soon as it touched the land.
Why, sir, my card is an illustration of what we
call, in Leaplow, rotation in office."
"Rotation in office!"
"Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we
invented for our personal convenience, and which
is likely to be firm, as it depends on principles that
are eternal."
" Will you suffer me to inquire, Colonel, if it has
any affinity to the social-stake system?"
" Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a
stationary, while this is a rotatory system. Nothing
is simpler. We have in Leaplow two enormous
boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we
put the names of the citizens, and into the other the
names of the offices. We then draw forth, in the
manner of a lottery; and the thing is settled for a
twelvemonth."9
" I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simplepray, sir, does it work as well as it promises?"
" To perfection.-We grease the wheels, of
course, periodically."
"And are not frauds sometimes committed by
those who are selected to draw the tickets?"
"Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same
way."
"But those who draw their tickets?"
"All rotatory-they are drawn exactly on the
same principle."
"But there must be a beginning. Those, again,
who draw  their tickets-they may betray their
trusts?"
"Impossible-they are always the most Patriotic
Patriots of the land! No, no, sir-we are rot such




THE MONIKINS:            277
dunces as to leave anything to corruption. Chlance
does it all. Chance makes me a commodore today-a judge to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery
boys, and chance makes the patriots. It is neces.
sary to see in order to understand how much purer
and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than
one that is bred to the calling."
"Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of
descents, which is little more than a matter of
chance."
"It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not
that our chances centre in a system of patriots.
Our approved patriots are our guarantees against
abuses    "
" Hem!"-interrupted the companion of Commodore People's Friend, with an awkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our recollection.
"' Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissnessallow me to present my fellow-citizen, Brigadier
Downright, a gentleman who is on his travels, like
yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found
in the whole monikin region."
"'Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your
acquaintance.-But, gentlemen, I too have been
sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet that has
cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance;
and, as some of the expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would favor me with your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable hour
in the further discussion of these important interests."
As neither of the strangers made the smallest
objection to the proposal, we were all soon comfortably seated at the dinner-table. The Commodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed
merely paid a little complimentary attention to the
banquet; but Mr. Downright attacked it tooth and
24




278             THE MONIKINS.
nail, and I had no great reason to regret the
absence of Mr. Poke. In the mean time, the conversation did not flag.
"I think I understand the outline of your system
Judge People's Friend," I resumed, "with the exception of the part that relates to the Patriots.
Would it be asking too much to request a little
explanation on that particular point?"
"Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement
is founded on a hint from nature; a base, as you
will concede, that is broad enough to sustain the
universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly
swarmed from Leaphigh; and finding ourselves
free and independent, we set about forthwith building the social system on not only a sure foundation,
but on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt
in duplicates, we pursued the hint, as the leading
idea    "
"In duplicates, Commodore!"
"Certainly, Sir John-a monikin has two eyes,
two ears, two nostrils, two lungs, two arms, two
hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the end of
the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there
should be drawn, morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and separate lines, that should
run at right angles to each other. These were
termed the "political land-marks" of the country;
and it was expected that every citizen should range
himself along one or the other. —All this you will
understand, however, was a moral. contrivance, not
a physical one."
"Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?"
"Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not
respect it is like one who is out of fashion, and he is so
generally esteemed a poor devil, that the usage has
q good deal more than the force of a law. At first,




THE MONIKINS.             279
it was intended to make it a part of the con
stitution; but one of our most experienced states,
men so clearly demonstrated that, by so doing, we
should not only weaken the nature of the obligation, but most probably raise a party against it, the
idea was abandoned. Indeed, if any thing, both the
letter and the spirit of the fundamental law have
been made to lean a little against the practice; but
having been cleverly introduced, in the way of construction, it is now bone of our bone, and flesh of
our flesh. Well, sir, these two great political landmarks being fairly drawn, the first effort of one
who aspires to be thought a Patriot, is to acquire
the practice of'toeing the mark' promptly and
with facility. But should I illustrate my positions
by a few experiments, you might comprehend the
subject all the better. —For though, in fact, the true
evolutions are purely moral, as I have just had the
honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical
parallel that is very congenial to our habits, with
which the neophyte always commences."
Here the Commodore took a bit of chalk and
drew two very distinct lines, crossing each other
at right angles, through the centre of the room.
When this was done, he placed his feet together,
and then he invited me to examine if it were possible to see any part of the planks between the extremities of his toes and the lines. After a rigid look,
I was compelled to confess it was not.
"This is what we call'toeing the mark;' it is'Social Position, No. 1.' Almost every citizen gets
to be expert in practising it, on one or the other of
the two great political lines. After this, he who
would push his fortunes further, commences his
career on the great rotatory principle."
"Your pardon, Commodore; —we call the word
rotary, in English."




280            THE MONIKINS.
" Sir, it is not expressive enough for our mean-,ng; and therefore we term it'rotatory.' I shall
now give you an example of Position No. 2."
Here the Commodore made a spring, throwing
his body, as a soldier would express it, to the " right
about," bringing, at the same time, his feet entirely
on the other side of the line; always rigidly toeing the mark.
" Sir," said I, " this was extremely well done;
but is this evolution as useful as certainly it is
dexterous?"
"It has the advantage of changing front, Sir
John; a manceuvre quite as useful in politics as in
war. Most all in the line get to practise this, too,
as my friend Downright, there, could show you,
were he so disposed."." I don't like to expose my flanks, or my rear,
more than another," growled the Brigadier.
" If agreeable, I will now show you Gyration
2d, or Position No. 3."
On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the
Commodore put himself again in Position No. 1;
and then he threw what Captain Poke was in the
habit of calling a'flap-jack,' or a summerset;
coming down in a way tenaciously to toe the
mark.
I was much gratified with the dexterity of the
Commodore, and frankly expressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many attained to the
same skill. Both the Commodore and the Brigadier laughed at the simplicity of the question; the
former answering that the people of Leaplow
were exceedingly active and adventurous, and both
lines had got to be so expert, that, at the word of
command, they would throw their summersets in
as exact time, and quite as promptly, as a regi




THE MONIKINS.            281
ment of guards would go through the evolution
of slapping their cartridge-boxes.
" What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, "the
entire population!"
"Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a
stumbler; but he is instantly kicked out of sight,
and uniformly counts for nothing."
" But as yet, Commodore, your evolutions are
altogether too general to admit of the chance
selection of patriots, since patriotism is usually a
monopoly."
" Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to
the main point without delay. Thus far, it is
pretty much an affair of the whole population, as
you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to
throw the necessary flap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The lines, as you may perceive, cross each other at right angles; and there
is consequently some crowding, and, occasionally,
a good deal of jostling, at and near the point of
junction. We begin to term a monikin a Patriot,
when he can perform this evolution."
Here the Commodore threw his heels into the
air with such rapidity that I could not very well
tell what he was about, though it was sufficiently
apparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory principle. I observed that he alighted, with
singular accuracy, on the very spot where he had
stood before, toeing the mark with beautiful precision.
" That is what we call Gyration 3d, or Position
No. 4. He who can execute it is considered an
adept in our politics; and he invariably takes his
position near the enemy, or at the junction of the
hostile lines."'" How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they
24 *




282             THE MONIKINS.
are with citizens of the same country, deemed
hostile!"
"Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?-Certainly,
although standing, as it might be, face to face,
acting on precisely the same principle, or the rotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the
same object in view, viz. the common good, they
are social, political, and I might almost say, the
moral antipodes of each other. They rarely intermarry, never extol, and frequently refuse to speak
to one another. In short, as the Brigadier could tell
you, if he were so disposed, they are antagonist,
body and soul. To be plain, sir, they are enemies."'This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!"
"'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Downright; "no doubt, sir, men are much wiser?"
As I did not wish to divert the discourse from
the present topic, I merely bowed to this remark,
and begged the Judge to proceed.
"Well, sir," continued the latter, "you can
easily imagine that they who are placed near the
point where the two lines meet, have no sinecures.
To speak the truth, they blackguard each other
with all their abilities, he who manifests the most
inventive genius in this high accomplishment, being
commonly thought the cleverest fellow. Now, sir,
none but a patriot could, in the nature of things,
endure this without some other motive than his
country's good, and so we esteem them."'But the most Patriotic Patriots, Commodore?"
The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark
again, placing himself within a few feet of the
point of junction between the two lines; and then
he begged me to pay particular attention to his
evolution. When all was ready, the Commodore
threw himself, as it were, invisibly into the air
again head over heels, so far as I could discover




THE MONIKINS.            283
and alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the
mark with a most astonishing particularity. It was
a clever gyration, beyond a doubt; and the performer looked towards me, as- if inviting commendation.
"Admirably executed, Judge, and in a way to
induce one to believe that you must have paid great
attention to the practice."
" I have performed this manceuvre, Sir John, five
times in real life; and my claim to be a Patriotic
Patriot is founded on its invariable success. A
single false step might have ruined me; but as
you say, practice makes perfect, and perfection is
the parent of success."
"And yet I do not rightly understand how so
sudden a desertion of one's own side, to go over, in
this active manner, head over heels, I may say, to
another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed
so pure a character as that of a patriot."
"What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very middle of the ranks of the
enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as this is a
political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but
one in which the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who thus manifests the greatest
devotion to the cause, must be the purest patriot. I
give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are
founded entirely on this particular merit."
"He is right, Sir John; you may believe every
word he says," observed the Brigadier, nodding.
"I begin to understand your system, which is
certainly well adapted to the monikin habits, and
must give rise to a noble emulation in the practice
of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to
say, Colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from
the hive of Leaphigh?"
"Just so, sir."




284            THE MONIKINS.
" How happens it then, tlat you dock yourselves
of the nobler member, while the inhabitants of t:iis
country cherish it as the apple of the eye-nay, as.he seat of reason itself?"
"You allude to our tails? —Why, sir, Nature has
dealt out these ornaments with a very unequal
hand, as you may perceive on looking out of the
window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and that the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as governments are framed to
equalize these natural inequalities, we denounce
them as anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that every citizen, on attaining his majority,
shall be docked agreeably to a standard measure,
that is kept in each district. Without some such
expedient, there might be an aristocracy of intellect
among us, and there would be an end of our liberties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and
of course we all seek to obtain it."
Here the Brigadier leaned across the table and
whispered that a great patriot, on a most trying
occasion, had succeeded in throwing a summerset
out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as
he carried with him all the sacred principles for
which his party had been furiously contending for
many years, he had been unceremoniously dragged
back by his tail, which unfortunately came within
reach of those quondam friends on whom he had
turned his back; and that the law had, in truth, been
passed in the interests of the patriots. He added,
that the lawful measure allowed a longer stump
than was commonly used; but that it was considered
under-bred for any one to wear a dock that reached
more than two inches and three quarters of an inch
into society, and that most of their political aspi.
rants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to one




THE MONIKINS.             285
inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of ex
cessive humility.
Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensi
ble explanation, the conversation was resumed.
"I had thought, as your institutions are founded
on reason and nature, Judge," I continued, "that
you would be more disposed to cultivate this
member than to mutilate it; and this the more
especially, as I understand all monikins believe it
to be the very quintessence of reason."
" No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it
is on the vegetable principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that it may throw out more
vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see
the tail itself sprouting out anew; but then we look
to the increase of its reason, and to its more general diffusion in society. The extremities of our
cauda, as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great
intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted from
the matter, and the former is sold, on public ac.
count, to the editors of the daily journals. This is
the reason our Leaplow journalists are so distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity, and the
reason, too, why they so faithfully represent the
average of the Leaplow knowledge."
"And honesty, you ought to add," growled the
Brigadier.
" I see the beauty of the system, Judge, and very
beautiful it is! This essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow brains, being a compound of all the tails of the country; and as a daily
journal is addressed to the average intellect of the
community, there is a singular fitness between the
readers and the readees. To complete my stock
of information on this head, however, will you jus
allow me to inquire what is the effect of this system
on the totality of Leaplow intelligence?"




286             THE MONIKINS.
"Wonderfill! As we are a commonwealth, it is
necessary to have a unity of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding all the extremes of our reasons, we get what is called'public opinion;' which public opinion is uttered through
the public journals   "
"And a most Patriotic Patriot is always chosen
to be the inspector of the mill," interrupted the Brigadier.
"Better and better! you send all the finer parts
of your several intellects to be ground up and
kneaded together; the compound is sold to the
journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the
united wisdom of the country!"
"Or, as public opinion.-We make great account of reason in all our affairs, invariably calling
ourselves the most enlightened nation on earth;
but then we are especially averse to anything like
an insulated effort of the mind, which is offensive,
anti-republican, aristocratic and dangerous. We
put all our trust in this representation of brains,
which is singularly in accordance with the fundamental base of our society, as you must perceive."
"'We are a commercial people, too," put in
the Brigadier; "and being much accustomed to
the laws of insurance, we like to deal in averages."
"' Very true, brother Downright; very true. We
are particularly averse to anything like inequality.
Ods zooks! it is almost as great an offence for a
monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it
is for him to act on his own impulses. No-nowe are truly a free and an independent commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to
public opinion, in all he does, says, thinks or
wishes."
"Pray, sir, do both of the two great political




THE MONIKINS.            287
lines send their tails to the same mills, and respect
the same general sentiments?"
"No, sir; we have two public opinions, in Leap.
low."
"Two public opinions!"
" Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular."
"This infers a most extraordinary fertility of
thought, and one that I hold to be almost impossible!"
Here the Commodore and the Brigadier incontinently both laughed as hard as they could; and
that, too, directly in my face.
1" Dear me, Sir John-why, my dear Sir John!
you are really the drollest creature!"-gasped the
Judge, holding his sides,-" the very funniest question I have ev -ev- ever encountered!"  He
now stopped to wipe his eyes; after which he
was better able to express himself. " The same
public opinion, forsooth!-Dear me-dear me,
that I should not have made myself understood!I commenced, my good Sir John, by telling you
that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from Nature;
and that we act on the rotatory principle. In
obedience to the first, we have always two public opinions; and, although the great political
land-marks are drawn in what may be called a
stationary sense, they, too, are in truth rotatory.
One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fundamental law, or the constitutional meridian of
the country, is termed the horizontal, and the other
the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is really
stationary in Leaplow, these two great land-marks
are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle, changing places periodically; the perpendicular
becoming the horizontal, and vice versa; they who
too their respective marks, necessarily taking new




288             THE MONIKINS.
nlews of things, as they vary the line of sight.
These great revolutions are, however, very slow,
and are quite as imperceptible to those who accornpany them, as are the revolutions of our planet to
its inhabitants."
"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the
Judge has just now spoken," added the Brigadier,
" are much the same as the eccentric movements
of the comets that embellish the solar system,
without deranging it by their uncertain courses."
" No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we
had but one public opinion," resumed the Judge.
"' Ecod, I do not know what would become of the
most Patriotic Patriots, in such a dilemma!"
" Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places,
if you have as many places as there are citizens?"
1" Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly,
into the two great subdivisions of the "inner" and
the "outer." Those who toe the mark on the most
popular line occupy the former, and those who toe
the mark on the least popular line take all the rest,
as a matter of course. The first, however, it is
necessary to explain, are the only places worth
having. As great care is had to keep the community pretty nearly equally divided-   "
" Excuse the interruption-but in what manner
is this effected?"
"'Why, as only a certain number can toe the
mark, we count all those who are not successful
in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, after
fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time,
they invariably go over to the other line; since it
is better to be first in a village, than second in
Rome. We thus keep up something like an equilibrium in the state, which, as you must know, is
necessary to liberty. The minority take the outer
nlaces, and all the inner are left to the majority.




TnE MONIKINS.             289
Then comes another subdivision of the places;
that is to say, one division is formed of the honorary, and another of the profitable places. The
honorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner
places, are divided, with great impartiality, among
the mass of those who have toed the mark on the
strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with
the glory of the victory. The names of the remainder are put into the wheels to be drawn for
against the prizes, on the rotatory principle."
"And the patriots, sir; —are they included in this
chance-medley?"
"Far from it. As a reward for their dangers,
they have a little wheel to themselves, although
they, also, are compelled to submit to the rotatory
principle. Their cases differ from  those of the
others, merely in the fact that they always get
something."
I would gladly have pursued the conversation,
which was opening a flood of light upon my political understanding; but, just then, a fellow with
the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet
tied to the end of his cauda. Turning round, he
presented his burthen, with profound respect, and
withdrew. I found that the packet contained three
notes, with the following addresses:" To his Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, &c. &c. &c."
"To my Lord High Admiral Poke, &c. &c. &c,"
"To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, &c. &c. &c."
Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own
note was eagerly opened. It read as follows,, The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, Lord of the
Bed-Chamber in waiting on his Majesty, informs Master
John Goldencalf, Clerk, that he is commanded to attend the
25




290             THE MONIKINS.
drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial ceremony will
take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady
Chatterissa, the first Maid of Honor to her Majesty the
Queen.
"N. B. The gentlemen will appear in full dress."
On explaining the contents of my note to the
Judge, he informed me that he was aware of the
approaching ceremony, as he had also an invitation to be present, in his official character. 1
begged, as a particular favor, England having no
representative at Leaphigh, that he would do me
the honor to present me, in his capacity of a
foreign minister. The Envoy made no sort of
objection, and I inquired as to the costume necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it
was good breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The
Envoy had the goodness to explain, that, although,
in point of mere attire, clothing was extremely
offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in the former country, no one could present himself at court, foreign ministers excepted,
without a cauda. As soon as we understood each
other on these points, we separated, with an understanding that I was to be in readiness (together
with my companions, of whose interest I had not
been forgetful) to attend the Envoy and the Brigadier, when they should call for me, at an hour.hat was named.




THI  MONIKINS.          291
CHEAPTER XVIII.
A court, a court-dress, and a courtier —Justice in various
aspects, as well as honor.
MY guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for
the landlady, to inquire if any court-dresses were
to be had in the neighborhood. She told me,
plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to
the monikin dimensions, but she much doubted
whether there was a tail in all Leaphigh, natural
or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my
stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a
brown-study, calling up all my resources for the
occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carrying in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I
remember ever to have seen. Throwing one towards me, he said the Lord High Admiral of
Leaphigh had acquainted him,, that there was an
invitation out for the Prince and himself, as well
as for the governor of the former, to be present
at court within an hour. He had hurried off
from what he called a very good dinner, considering there was nothing solid, (the Captain was particularly fond of pickled pork,) to let me know the
honor that was intended us; and, on the way
home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on
being acquainted with his errand, had not failed
to point out the necessity of the whole party coming en habit de courp Here was a dilemma, with a
vengeance; for the first idea that struck the Captain was "the utter impossibility of finding'any
thing in this way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a Lord
High Admiral of his length of keel; for, as to going
in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should looK




292             THE MONIKINS.
like a three-decked ship, with a brig's spar step.
ped for a lower mast!" Dr. Reasono, however,
had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conducting him to the Cabinet of Natural History,
where three suitable appendages had been found,
viz. two fine relics of oxen,* and another, a capital
specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever,
or, as the Captain expressed it, "the steering oar"
of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express, with a kind consideration for the honor of
Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at a villa
of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of
Aggregation.
I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity
in helping me to a good fit with my court-dress.
There was not time for much particularity, for
we were in momentary expectation of Judge People's Friend's return. All we could do, therefore,
was to make a belt of canvas, (the Captain being
always provided with needles, palm, &c., in his
bag,) and to introduce the smaller end of the tail
through a hole in the belt, drawing its base tight
up to the cloth, which, in its turn, was stitched
round our bodies. This was but an indifferent substitute for the natural appendage, it is true; and
the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, that
it was impossible for the least observant person to
imagine there was a particle of brains in it. The
arrangement had, also, another disadvantage. The
cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the
position of the body, and, besides occupying much
more space than would probably be permitted in
the royal presence, " it gave any jackanapes," as
Noah observed, "the great advantage over us, of
making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use
lhe outriggers as levers." But a seaman is inex* Cauda Borlm.-BuF.




THE MONIKINS.           293
haustible in expedients. Two "back-stays," or
"bob-stays," (for the Captain facetiously gave
them both appellations,) were soon "turned in,"
and the tails were "stayed in, in a way to bring
them as upright as try-sail-masts;" to which spars,
indeed, according to Noah's account of the matter, they bore no small resemblance.
The Envoy Extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend, Brigadier Downright, arrived
Just as we were dressed; and a most extraordinary
figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although obliged to be docked, according to the
Leaplow law, to six inches, and brought down to
a real bob, by both the public opinions of his country, for this was one of the few points on which
these antagonist sentiments were perfectly agreed,
he now appeared in just the largest brush I remember to have seen appended to a monikin! I felt a
strong inclination to joke the rotatory republican
on this coquetry; but then I remembered how
sweet any stolen indulgence becomes; and, for
the life of me, I could not give utterance to a
bon mot. The elegance of the Minister was rendered the more conspicuous by the simplicity of
the Brigadier, who had contrived to moustache his
dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner as to render it nearly invisible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr. Downright about his being
admitted in such a costume, he snapped his fingers,
and gave me to understand he knew better. He
appeared as a Brigadier of Leaplow, (I found
afterwards that he was in truth no soldier, but
that it was a fashion among his countrymen to
travel under the title of Brigadier,) and this was
his uniferrr; and he should like to see the chamberlain who would presume to call in question the
state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of
25 *




294            Tom iOIKINS,
mine, I prudently dropped the subject, and we
were soon in the court of the palace.
I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state
bands, the sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the reader at once to
the antechamber. Here we found the usual throng
composed of those who live in the smiles of
princes. There was a great deal of politeness,
much bowing and curtseying, and the customary
amount of genteel empressement to be the first to
bask in the sunshine of royalty. Judge People's
Friend, in his character of a foreign minister, was
privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entree,
and were now, of right, placed nearest to the
great doors of the royal apartments. Most of the
diplomatic corps were already in attendance, and,
quite as a matter of course, there were a great
many cordial manifestations of the ardent attach.
ment that bound them and their masters together,
in the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity,
Judge People's Friend, according to his own account of the matter, represented a great nation —
a very great nation —and yet I did not perceive
that he mrnet with a warm —a very warm —recep.
tion. However, as he seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it would have been
unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb
his self-esteem; and I took especial care, therefore,
not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion
that a good many near his person seemed to think
him and his artificial queue somewhat in the wayThe courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are
an exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regard the privileges of the Judge with
an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held
their noses as he flourished his brush a little too
near their sacred faces, as if they found its odor




THE MONIKINS.           295
out of fashion. While making these silent observations, a page cried out from the lower part of the
saloon, "Room for his Royal Highness the Crown
Prince of Great Britain!" The crowd opened, and
that young blackguard Bob walked up the avenue,
in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the
base of his toilet; but the superstructure was
altogether more in keeping with the rascal's assumed character. The union-jack was thrown
over his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and
it was supported by the cook and steward of the
Walrus, (two blacks,) both clothed as alligators.
The kangaroo's tail was rigged in a way to excite
audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr.
Poke. The stepping of it, the Captain whispered,
" did the young dog great credit, for it looked as
natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then,
in addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which
acted like the yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a
way, that by holding one in each hand, the brush
could be worked'starboard and larboard' like a
rudder." I have taken this description mainly from
the mouth of the Captain, and most sincerely do
I hope it may be intelligible to the reader.
Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages;
for, on reaching the upper end of the room, he
began whisking his tail, and flourishing it to the
right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible
and lively admiration in the mind of Judge People's
Friend, —an effect that so much the more proved
the wearer's address, for that high functionary
was bound ex qfficio to entertain a sovereign contempt for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of
the Captain kindle, however; and when the insolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity to
turn his back on his master, and to work his brush
under his very nose, human nature could endure




296            THE MONIKINS.
no more. The right leg of my Lord High Admiral
slowly retired, with somewhat of the caution ci
the cat about to spring, and then it was projected
forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted the
Crown Prince from the floor.
The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of pain, as well as of surprise; and some of the courtiers ran forward involuntarily to aid him, —for courtiers always run
involuntarily to the succor of princes. At least a
dozen of the ladies offered their smelling-bottles,
with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To
prevent any disagreeable consequences, however,
I hastened to acquaint the crowd that, in Great
Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick the
whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no
more than the customary tribute of the subject
to the prince. In proof of what I said, I took good
care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of
my own homage. The monikins, who know that
different customs prevail in different nations, hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty
in the same manner; and both the cook and steward relieved their ennui by falling into the track
of imitation. Bob could not stand the last applications; and he was about to beat a retreat,ewhen
the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him
to the royal presence.
The reader is not to be misled by the honors
that were paid to the imaginrry Crown Prince,
and to suppose that the court,f Leaphigh entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was merely done on the principle that
governed the conduct of our own learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the
amiable Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had
degraded royalty by intermarrying with a sulAect




THE MONIKINS.           297
The respect was paid to the caste, and not to the
individual, to his species, or to his nation.
Let his privileges come from what cause they
would, Bob was glad enough to get out of the presence of Captain Poke, —who had already pretty
plainly threatened, in the Stunnin'tun dialect, to
unship his cauda,-into that of the Majestyof Leaphigh. A few minutes afterwards, the doors were
thrown open, and the whole company advanced
into the royal apartments.
The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs,
in many essential particulars, from the etiquette
of any other court in the monikin region. Neither the King, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly
known. On the present occasion, two thrones
were placed at opposite extremities of the saloon,
and a magnificent, crimson, damask curtain was
so closely drawn before each, that it was quite
impossible to see who occupied it. On the lowest
step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the
bed-chamber, who, severally, made all the speeches,
and otherwise enacted the parts of the illustrious
couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that
all which is here attributed to either of these great
personages, was in fact performed by one or the
other of the substitutes named, and that I never
had the honor of actually standing, face to face,
with their Majesties. Every thing that is now
about to be related, in short, was actually done by
deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife.
The King himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power belonging to his eldest firstcousin of the masculine gender, and any inter.
course with him is entirely of a disinterested or
of a sentimental character. Hie is the head of the
church,-after a very secular fashion, however;
-all the bishops and clergy therefore got down




298            THE MONIKINS.
on their knees and said their prayers; though the
Captain suggested that it might be their catechisms: I never knew which, I observed, also,
that all his law officers did the same thing; but as
they never pray, and do not know their catechisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg
something better than the places they actually
filled. After this, came a long train of military
and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his
paw. The civilians next had a chance, and then
it was our turn to be presented.
" I have the honor to present the Lord High
Admiral of Great Britain, to your Majesty," said
Judge People's Friend, who had waived his official
privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor
in person; it having been decided, on a review of
all the principles that touched the case, that nothing human could take precedence of a monikin
at court, always nmaklkAg the exception in favor of
royalty, as in the case of Prince Bob.
"I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral
Poke," the King politely rejoined, manifesting the
tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his
family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer.
"King!"
" You were about to remark? -" miost graciously inquired his Aajesty, a little at a loss to
understand what his visiter would be at.
"Why, I could not contain my astonishment at
vour memory, Mr. King, which has enabled you
to recall a name that you probably never before
heard!"
There was now a great, and, to me, a very unaccountable confusion in the circle. It would
seem, that the Captain had unwittingly trespassed
on two of the most important of the rules of etiquette, in very mortal points. Ile had confessed
to the admission of an emotion as vulgar as that




THE MONIKINS.            299
of astonishment in the royal presence, and he had
intimated that his Majesty had a memory; a property of the mind which, as it might prove dan
gerous to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it left in
the keeping of any but a responsible minister, it
hard long been decided it was felony to impute to
the King. By the fundamental law of the land,
the King's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender may have as many memories as he please,
and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shallsee fit, both in private or in the public service; but
it is held to be utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by consequence, extremely
underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote
manner, that the King himself has either a memory, a will, a determination, a resolution, a desire,
a conceit, an intention, or, in short, any other intellectual property, that of a "royal pleasure"
alone excepted.  It is both constitutional and
parliamentary to say the King has a " royal pleasure," provided the context goes to prove that this
"royal pleasure'" is entirely at the disposition of
his eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender.
When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his
mistake, he discovered a proper contrition; and
the final decision of the affair was postponed, in
order to have the opinion of the judges on the propriety of taking bail, which I promptly offered to
put in, in behalf of my old ship-mate. This disagreeable little interruption temporarily disposed of,
the business of the drawing-room went on.
Noah was next conducted to the Queen, who
was much inclined (always by deputy) to overlook
the little mistake into which he had fallen with
her royal consort, and to receive him graciously.
"May it please your Majesty, I have the honor
to present to your Majesty's royal notice, the Lord
Noah Poke, the Lord High Admiral of a distant




300            THE MONIKINS.
and but little known country, called Great Britain," said the gold stick of the evening,-Judge
-People's Friend being afraid of committing Leaplow, and declining to introduce the Captain to any
one else.
"Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin the Prince Bob!" observed the Queen, in an
exceedingly gracious manner.
"No marm," put in the sealer, promptly, "your
cousin Bob is no cousin of mine; and if it were
lawful for your Majesty to have a memory, or an
inclination, or any thing else in that way, I should
beg the favor of you, to order the young blackguard to be soundly threshed."
The Majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by
proxy! It would seem Noah had now actually
fallen into a more serious error, than the mistake
he had made with the King. By the law of Leaphigh, the Queen is not a femme couverte. She
can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her
separate estate, without the intervention of trustees,
and is supposed to have a memory, a will, an inclination, or any thing else in that way, except a
"royal pleasure," to which she cannot, of right,
lay claim. As to her, the King's first-cousin is
a dead letter; he having no more control over her
conscience, than he has over the conscience of an
apple-woman. In short, her Majesty is quite as
much the mistress of her own convictions and conscience, as it probably ever falls to the lot of women in such high stations to be the mistress of
interests that are of so much importance to those
around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firmly believe, had seriously wounded all those nice
sensibilities which are naturally dependent on such
an improved condition of society. Forbearance
could go no farther, and I saw, by the dark looks




THE MONIKINS.            301
around me, that the Captain had committed a
serious crime. He was immediately arrested, and
conducted from the presence to an adjoining room,
into which I obtained admission, after a good deal
of solicitation and some very strong appeals to
the sacred character of the rights of hospitality.
It now appeared, that in Leaphigh, the merits
of a law are decided on a principle very similar
to the one we employ in England in judging of the
quality of our wines; viz., its age. The older a
law, the more it is to be respected, no doubt
because, having proved its fitness by outlasting all
the changes of society, it has become more mellow, if not more palatable. Now, by a law of
Leaphigh, that is coeval with the monarchy, he
who offends the Queen's Majesty at a levee, is to
lose his head; and he who, under the same circumstances, offends the King's Majesty, necessarily the more heinous offence, is to lose his
tail. In consequence of the former punishment,
the criminal is invariably buried, and he is consigned to the usual course of monikin regeneration and resuscitation; but in consequence of the
latter, it is thought that he is completely thrown
without the pale of reason, and is thereby consigned
to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind
diminishes, and his body increases; the brain, for
want of the means of development, takes the ascending movement of sap again; his forehead
dilates; bumps re-appear; and, finally, after passing gradually downward in the scale of intellect,
he becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such,
at least, is the theory of his punishment.
By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one who offends in the King's palace
may be tried by a very summary process, the
Kling's pages acting as his judges; in which case,
the sentence is to be executed without delay.
2 R




302            THE MONKINS.
Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an
indiscretion at court, was suddenly reduced; and,
but for my prompt interference, he would proba.
bly have been simultaneously decapitated at both
extremities, in obedience to an etiquette which prescribes that, under the circumstances of a court
trial, neither the King's nor the Queen's rights shall
be entitled to precedence. In defence of my client
I urged his ignorance of the usages of the country,
and, indeed, of all other civilized countries, Stunnin'tun alone excepted. I stated that the criminal
was an object altogether unworthy of their notice;
that he was not a Lord High Admiral- at all, but a
mere pitiful sealer; I laid some stress on the importance of maintaining friendly relations with the
sealers, who cruise so near the monikin region;
I tried to convince the judges that Noah meant no
harm in imputing moral properties to the King,
and that so long as he did not impute immoral properties to his royal consort, she might very well
afford to pardon him. I then quoted Shakspeare's
celebrated lines on mercy, which seemed to be
well enough received, and committed the whole
affair to their better judgment.
I should have got along very creditably, and
most probably obtained the immediate discharge
of my friend, had not the Attorney-General of
Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room.
Although he had nothing to say to the merits of
my arguments, he objected to every one of them,
on the ground of formality. This was too long,
and that was too short; one was too high, ana
another too low; a fifth was too broad, and a
sixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of
speech of this nature, to which he did not resort,
in order to prove their worthlessness, with the
exception that I do not remember he charged any
of my reasons with being too deep.




THE MONIKIN S            303
Matters were now begioning to look serious
for poor Noah, when a page came skipping in,
to say that the wedding was about to take pjace,
and that if his comrades wished to witness it, they
must sentence the prisoner without delay. Many
a man, it is said, has been hanged, in order that
the judge might dine; but, in the present instance,
I do believe Captain Poke was spared, in order
that his judges might not miss a fine spectacle. I
entered into recognizance, in fifty thousand promises, for the due appearance of the criminal on
the following morning; and we all returned, in a
body, to the presence-chamber, treading Qon each
other's tails, in the eagerness to be foremost.
Any one who has ever been at a human court,
must very well know that, while it is the easiest
thing in the world to throw it into commotion by
a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and
death are not at all of a nature to disturb its tranquillity. There, everything is a matter of routine
and propriety; and, to judge from  experience,
nothing is so unseemly as to appear to possess human sympathies. The fact is not very different at
Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, apparently,
are quite as obtuse as those of men; although
justice compels me to allow, that in the case of
Captain Poke, the appeal was made in behalf of a
creature of a different species. It is also a settled principle of Leaphigh jurisprudence, that it
would be monstrous for the King to interfere in
behalf of justice,-justice, however, being always
administered in his name; although it certainly is
not held to be quite so improper for him to interfere in behalf of those who have offended justice.
As a consequence of these nice distinctions,
which it requires a very advanced stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the King and
Queen received our whole party, when we came




304             THE MONIKINS.
back into the presence, exactly as if nothing par.
ticular had occurred. Noah wore both head and
tail erect, like another; and the Lord High Admiral of Leaphigh dropped into a familiar conversation with him, on the subject of ballasting ships,
in just as friendly a manner as if he were on the
best possible terms with the whole royal family.
This moral sang froid is not to be ascribed to
phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high mental
discipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly
destitute of all feeling, except in cases that affect
himself.
It was high time, now, that I should be presented. Judge People's Friend, who had witnessed
the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern,
very politely renewed the offer of his services in
my favor, and I went forward and stood before
the throne.' Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among men, a cunning clerk, by
name Goldencalf," said the envoy, bowing to his
Majesty.
" He is welcome to my court," returned the
King by proxy. " Pray, Mr. People's Friend, is
not this one of the human beings who have lately
arrived in my dominions, and who have shown
so much cleverness in getting Chatterino and his
governor through the ice?"
" The very same, please your Majesty; and a
very arduous service it was, and right cleverly
performed."
1" This reminds me of a duty.-Let my cousin
be summoned."
I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel
the truth of the saying which teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never fails to arrive
at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a
good view of the King's eldest first-cousin of the




THE MONIKINS.           305
masculine gender, who drew near at the sum.
mons; and, while he had the appearance of listens
ing with the most profound attention to the instructions of the King of Leaphigh, was very evi.
dently telling that potentate what he ought to ao.
The conference ended, his Majesty's proxy spoke
in a way to be heard by all who had the good
fortune to be near the royal person.
"Reasono did a good thing," he said; " really,
a very good thing, in bringing us these specimens
of the human family. But for his cleverness, I
might have died without ever dreaming that
men were gifted with tails." (Kings never get
hold of the truth at the right end.) "I wonder if the
Queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta,
that men had tails?"
"' Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better opportunities than your Majesty enjoys, to study these matters," returned his royal
consort, by the mouth of her Lady of the BedChamber.
"I dare say I'm very silly,-but our cousin,
here, thinks it might be well to do something for
these good people, for it may encourage their
King himself to visit us some day."
An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies;
who declared, one and all, it would be delightful to
see a real human King, —it would be so funny!
"Well, well," added the good-natured monarch,
"Heaven knows what may happen, for I have seen
stranger things. Really, we ought to do something for these good people; for, although we owe
the pleasure of their visit, in a great degree, to the
cleverness of Reasono,-who, by the way, I'm
glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.,-yet
he very handsomely admits, that but for their exertions-none of our seamikins being within reach
-it would have been quite impossible to get
26 *




306            THE MONIKINS.
through the ice. I wish [ knew, now, which was
the cleverest and the most useful of their party."
Here the Queen, always thinking and speaking
by proxy, suggested the propriety of leaving the
point to Prince Bob.
"It would be no more than is due to his ranK;
for though they are men, I dare say they have
feelings like ourselves."
The question was now submitted to Bob, who
sat in judgment on us all, with as much gravity
as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It
is said that men soon get to be familiar with elevation, and that, while he who has fallen never fails
to look backward, he who has risen invariably
limits his vision to the present horizon. Such
proved to be the case with the princely Bob.
"This person," observed the jack-a-napes, pointing to me, " is a very good sort of a person, it is
true, but he is hardly the sort of person your MIajesty wants just now. There is the Lord High
Admiral, too,-but-" (Bob's but was envenomed
by a thousand kicks!) —' but-you wish, sire, to
know which of my father's subjects was the most
useful in getting the ship to Leaphigh?"
" That is precisely the fact I desire to know."
Bob, hereupon, pointed to the cook; who, it will
be remembered, was present as one of his trainbearers.
" I believe I must say, sire, that this is the man.
He fed us all; and without food, and that in considerable quantities, too, nothing could have been done."
The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by exclamations of pleasure from all
around him. —" It was so clever a distinction,""it showed so much reflection,"-" it was so very
profound,"-"- it proved how much he regarded
the base of society,"-in short, "'it was evident
England would be a happy country, when he




THE )ONIKINS.            307
should be called to the throne I"  In the mean
time, the cook was required to come forth, and
kneel before his Majesty.
"' What is your name?" whispered the Lord of
the Bed.Chamber, who now spoke for himself.
" Jack Coppers, your honor."
The Lord of the Bed-Chamber made a commu.
nication to his Majesty, when the sovereign turned
round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and,
giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him
rise, as " Sir Jack Coppers."
I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of gross and flagrant injustice.
Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized
the voice of Brigadier Downright.
"You think that honors have alighted where
they are least due. You think that the saying of
your Crown Prince has more smartness than truth,
more malice than honesty. You think that the
court has judged on false principles, and acted on
an impulse rather than on reason; that the King
has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice, that the courtiers have paid a homage to their
master, in affecting to pay a homage to merit; and
that nothing in this life is pure or free from the
taint of falsehood, selfishness or vanity. Alas!
this is too much the case with us monikins, I must
allow; though, doubtless, among men you manage
a vast deal more cleverly."
CHAPTER XIX.
About the humility of professional saints, a succession of tails,
a bride and bridegroom, and other heavenly matters, —diploi
macy included.
PXPCEIWIVING that Brigadier Downright had an
observant mind, and that he was altogether supe.




308            THE MONIKINS.
rior to the clannish feeling which is so apt to ren.
der a particular species inimical to all others, I
asked permission to cultivate his acquaintance;
begging, at the same time, that he would kindly
favor me with such remarks as might be suggested by his superior wisdom and extensive travels,
on any of those customs or opinions that would
naturally present themselves in our actual situation. The Brigadier took the request in good part,
and we began to promenade the rooms in company. As the Archbishop of Aggregation, who was
to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly
expected, the conversation very naturally turned
on the general state of religion in the monikin
region.
I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas
of this insulated portion of the world were based
on principles absolutely identical with those of all
Christendom. The monikins believe that they are
a miserable lost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so eaten up by envy, uncharitableness and all other evil passions, that it is quite
impossible they can do anything that is good of
themselves; that their sole dependence is on the
moral interference of the great superior power of
creation; and that the very first, and the one needful step of their own, is to cast themselves entirely
on this power for support, in a proper spirit of
dependence and humility. As collateral to, and
consequent on this condition of the mind, they lay
the utmost stress on a disregard of all the vanities
of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of the flesh
and an abstaining from the pomp and vain-glory
of ambition, riches, power and the faculties. In
short, the one thing needful was humility-humility-humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a
degree that put them above the danger of back



THE MONIKINS.           309
sliding, they obtained glimpses of security, and
were gradually elevated to the hopes and the condition of the just.
The Brigadier was still eloquently discoursing
on this interesting topic, when a distant door
opened, and a gold stick, or some other sort of
stick, announced the Right Reverend Father in
God, his Grace the most eminent and most serene
Prelate, the very puissant and thrice gracious and
glorified saint, the Primate of all Leaphigh!
The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity
with which I advanced to get a glimpse of a saint
under a system as sublimated as that of the great
monikin family. Civilization having made such
progress as to strip all the people, even to the
King and Queen, entirely of every thing in the
shape of clothes, I did not well see under what
new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church
could take refuge! Perhaps they shaved off all
the hair from their bodies in sign of supereminent
self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the
auticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence,
what a poor ungainly set of wretches they really
were, carnally considered; or perhaps they went
on all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness to
enter into the presence of the pure of mind, in an
attitude more erect and confident. Well, these
fancies of mine only went to prove how erroneous
and false are the conclusions of one whose capacity has not been amplified and concatenated by
the ingenuities of a very refined civilization! His
Grace, the most gracious Father in God, wore a
mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, the
naterial of which was composed of every tenth
hair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who
nmost cheerfully submitted to be shaved, in order
that the wants of his most eminent humility might
be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such




310            THE MONIKINS.
a warp and such a woof, was necessarily very
large; and it really appeared to me that the prelate did not very well know what to do with so
much of it, more especially as the contributions
include a new robe annually. I was now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing
that the Leaphighers take great pride in the length
and beauty of that appurtenance, I very naturally
supposed that a saint who wore so fine and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have
recourse to some novel expedient to mortify himself on this sensitive subject, at least. I found that
the ample proportions of the mantle concealed,
not only the person, but most of the movements
of the Archbishop; and it was with many doubts
of my success, that I led the Brigadier behind the
episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed expectation again. Instead of being destitute of a tail, or of concealing that with which
Nature had supplied him beneath his mantle, the
most gracious dignitary wore no less than six
caudy, viz. his own, and five others added to it, by
some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I
shall not attempt to explain; one "bent on to the
other," as the Captain described them, in a subsequent conversation. This extraordinary train was
allowed to sweep the floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructed faculties, I could
discern about the person and appearance'of this
illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and
humility.
The Brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the first place, he gave me to
understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh was
Illustrated by the order of their tails.'us, a
deacon wore one and a half; a curate, if a minister,
bne and three quarters, and a rector, two; a dean,
two and a half; an archdeacon, three; a bishop,




THE MONIKINS.           311
four; tile Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Pri
mate of all Leaphigh, six. The origin of the cus.
tom, which was very ancient, and of course very
much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a
saint of great celebrity, who had satisfactorily
proved that as the tail was the intellectual, or the
spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was
removed from the mass of matter, or the body,
the more likely it was to be independent, consecutive, logical and spiritualized. The idea had succeeded astonishingly at first; but time, which will
wear out even a cauda, had given birth to schisms
in the church on this interesting subject; one party
contending that two more joints ought to be added
to the Archbishop's embellishment, by way of sustaining the church, and the other that two joints
ought to be incontinently abstracted, in the way
of reform.
These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride and bridegroom, at different
doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced with
a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious train of noble maidens, all keeping their eyes,
by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal etiquette, drop
ped to the level of the Queen's feet. On the othei
hand, my Lord Chatterino, attended by that cox
comb Hightail, and others of his kidney, steppea
towards the altar with a lofty confidence, which the
same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The
parties were no sooner in their places, than the
prelate commenced.
The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established church of Leaphigh, is a
very solemn and imposing ceremony. The bridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride
and none but the bride; that he has made his
choice solely on account of her merits, uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far




$12            THE MONIKINS.
command his inclinations as, on no account, ever to
iove another a jot. The bride, on her part, calls
heaven and earth to witness, that she will do just
what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she wil:
be his bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his
delight; that she is quite certain no other monikin
could make her happy, but, on the other hand, she
is absolutely sure that any other monikin would
be certain to make her miserable. When these
pledges, oaths and asseverations were duly made
and recorded, the Archbishop caused the happy
pair to be wreathed together, by encircling them
with his episcopal tail, and they were then pronounced monikin and monikina. I pass over the
congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate
a short conversation I held with the Brigadier.
"Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as
the prelate said'amen,' "how is this? I have
seen a certificate, myself, which showed that
there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of
this union, on the score of other considerations
than those mentioned in the ceremony!"
"' That certificate has no connexion with this
ceremony."
" And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated in the certificate!"
"This ceremony has no connexion with that
certificate."
" So it would seem; and yet both refer to the
same solemn engagement!"
" Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for in these particulars Leaphigh
is Leaplow) have two distinct governing principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided into the theoretical and the practical-moral
and immoral would not be inapposite-but, by the
first we control all our interests, down as far as




THE MONLKINS.           313
facts, when we immediately submit to the latter
There may possibly be something inconsistent in
appearance in such an arrangement; but then our
most knowing ones say that it works well. No
doubt among men, you get along without the em
barrassment of so much contradiction."
I now advanced to pay my respects to the
Countess of Chatterino, who stood supported by
the Countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and
elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared,
the elaborate air of modesty vanished from the
charming countenance of the bride, in a look of
natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother,
she pointed me out as a man! The courteous old
dowager gave me a very kind reception, inquiring
if I had enough good things to eat, whether I was
not much astonished at the multitude of strange
sights I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be
much obliged to her son for consenting to bring
me over, and invited me to come and see her,
some fine morning.
I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join
the Brigadier, with a view to seek an introduction
to the Archbishop. Before I relate the particulars
of my interview with that pious prelate, however,
it may be well to say that this was the last I ever
saw of any of the Chatterino set, as they retired
from the presence immediately after the congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously
to leaving the region, which was within a month
of the marriage, that the noble pair kept separate
establishments, on account of some disagreement
about an incompatibility of temper-or a young
officer of the guards-I never knew exactly which;
but as the estates suited each other so well, there
is little doubt that, on the whole, the nmatch was
as happy as could be expected.
27




314            THE MONIKINS.
The Archbishop received me with a great deal
of professional benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a comparison of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and
Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we
riad an establishment; and I believe I was indebted
to his knowledge of this fact, for his treating me
more as an equal than he might otherwise have
done, considering the difference in species. I was
much relieved by this; for, at the commencement
of the conversation, he had sounded me a little on
doctrine, at which I am far from being expert,
never having taken an interest in the church, and
I thought he looked frowning at some of my
answers; but, when he heard that we really had
a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor
did he once, after that, inquire whether we were
pagans or presbyterians. But when I told him we
had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good old
prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beatified me on the spot!
" We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight; "men or monikins, it
can make no great difference, after all. We shall
meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!"
The reader will suppose that, an alien, and
otherwise unknown, I was much elated by this
distinction. To go to heaven in company with the
Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small
favor; but to be thus noticed by him at court was
really enough to upset the philosophy of a stranger.
I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend
to particulars, and that he might have found some
essential points of difference to nip his new-born
admiration. Had he asked me, for instance, how
many caudce our bishops wear, I should have been




TH1EJ: MONiKINS.        31 5
badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their
personal illustration was of another character.
The venerable prelate, however, soon gave me
his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his
palace before I sailed, promised to send some
tracts by me to England, and then hurried away,
as he said,'to sign a sentence of excommunication
against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed the harmony of the church, of late, by an
attempt to introduce a schism that he called
"piety."
The Brigadier and myself discussed the subject
of religion at some length, when the illustrious
prelate had taken his leave. I was told that the
moniklin world was pretty nearly equally divided
into two parts, the old and the new.  The latter
had remained uninhabited, until within a few generations, when certain monikins, who were too
good to live in the old world, emigrated in a
body, and set up for themselves in the new. This,
the Brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow account
of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries,
on the other hand, invariably maintaining that they
had peopled the new countries by sending all those
of their own communities there, who were not fit to
stay at home. This little obscurity in the history
of the new world, he considers of no great moment,
as such trifling discrepancies must always depend
on the character of the historian. Leaphigh was
by no means the only country in the elder monikin
region. There were among others, for instance,
Leapup and Leapdown; Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround
and Leapunder. Each of these countries had a
religious establishment, though Leaplow, being
founded on a new social principle, had none. The
Brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the




316             THE MONIKINS.
chief consequences of the two systems were, that
the countries which had establishments had a great
reputation for possessing religion, and those that
had no establishments were well enough off in the
article itself, though but indifferently supplied on
the score of reputation.
I inquired of the Brigadier if he did not think an
establishment had the beneficial effect of sustain.
ing truth, by suppressing heresies, limiting and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise
setting limits to innovations. My friend did not
absolutely agree with me in all these particulars;
though he very frankly allowed that it had the effect
of keeping two truths from falling out, by separating
them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas under its establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By keeping
these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony
was promoted, and the several ministers of the
gospel were enabled to turn all their attention to
the sins of the community, instead of allowing it
to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was
very apt to be the case when there was an antagonist interest to oppose.
Shortly after, the King and Queen gave us all
our conges. Noah and myself got through the
crowd without injury to our trains, and we separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his
bed and dream of his trial on the morrow, and I
to go home with Judge People's Friend and the
Brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening with a supper. I was left chatting with the
last, while the first went into his closet to indite a
dispatch to his government, relating to the events
of the evening.
The Brigadier was rather caustic in his comr




THE MONIKINS.             317
ments on the incidents of the drawing-room. A
republican himself, he certainly did love to gve
royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though
I must do this worthy, upright monikin the justice
to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many of his caste,
and which is founded on a principle as simple as
the fact that they cannot be kings and nobles
themselves.
While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite
at our ease, and in undress, as it were, the Brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail laid aside, Judge
People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open
in his hand. He read aloud what he had written,
to my great astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think diplomatic communications sacred.
But the Judge observed, that in this case it was
useless to affect secresy, for two very good reasons; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ
a common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had
written,-his government depending on a noble
republican economy, which taught it that, if it
did get into difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still have the money that a
clerk would cost, to help it out of the embarrass.
ment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself would print it, as soon as it arrived. For
his part, he liked to have the publishing of his own
works. Under these circumstances, I was even
allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which T
now furnish a fac-simile.
SIR,
The undersigned, Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Pleninotentiary of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union,
has the honor to inform the Secretary of State, that our interests in this portion of the earth are in general, on the best
27 *




318                THE MONIK1 NS.
possible footing; our national character is getting every day
to be more and more elevated; our rights are more and more
respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every
sea. After this flattering and honorable account of the state
of our general concerns, I hasten to communicate the following interesting particulars.
The treaty between our beloved North-WesternConfederate
Union and Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its
articles; nineteen Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough vessel of war; the King of Leapup has made an unequivocal demonstration with a very improper part of his person, at us; and the King of Leapover
has caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the
money to be givea to his mistress.
Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of
our foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious constitution of which we are the common servants, and
to the just dread which the Leaplow name has so universally
inspired in other nations.
The King has just had a drawing-room, in which I took
great care to see that the honor of our beloved country should
be faithfully attended to. My cauda was at least three inches
longer than that of the representative of Leapup, the Minister most favored by Nature in this important particular; and
I have the pleasure of adding, that her Majesty the Queen
deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the sincerity
of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for, though
there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain lnseemly words to our beloved country, lately, it would quite
exceed the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained
by proof, were we to call in question her royal sincerity on
this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawingrooms I have received smiles of the most sincere and encouraging character, not only from the King, but from aA his
ministers, his first-cousin in particular; and I trust they will




THE MONIKINS.                 319
have the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue be,
tween the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country.
If they would now only do us justice in the very important
affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which
we have been seeking in vain at their hands, for the last
seventy-two years, I should say that our relations were on
the best possible footing.
Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which
the Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quarters of
the earth, and on the benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to exercise on all our important interests.
I see but little probability of effecting the object of my
special mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the
sincerity of the smiles of the King and Queen, and of all
the royal family.
In a late conversation with his Majesty, he inquired in the
kindest manner after the health of the Great Sachem, [this
is the title of the head of the Leaplow government,] and
observed that our growth and prosperity put all other nations to
shame; and that we might, on all occasions, depend on his
most profound respect and perpetual friendship. In short, sir,
all nations, far and near, desire our alliance, are anxious to
open new sources of commerce, and entertain for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem.-You can
tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly augmented under his administration, and that it has at least quadrupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only respect
its treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen,
Lea pup have greater deference for the usages of good society,
and the King of Leapover would seize no more of our ships
to supply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign rela.
tions might be considered to be without spot. As it is, sir, they
are far better off than I could have expected, or indeed, had
ever hoped to see them; and of one thing you may be diplotartically certain, that we are universally respected, and tha'




320               THE MONIKINS.
the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all in company rising and waving their caudce.
(Signed.)          JUDAS PEOPLE's FRIEND.
Hon. -    ~., &c.
P. S. [Private.]
DEAR SIR,-If you publish this dispatch, omit the part
where the difficulties are repeated. I beg you will see that
my name is put in with those of the other patriots, against
the periodical rotation of the little wheel; as I shall certainly
be obliged to return home soon, having consumed all my
means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a tail, of which
our people have no notion, is so very great, tha, r think none
of our missions should exceed a week in duratio...
I would especially advise that the message should dilate
on the subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character,
m foreign nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require
that this statement should be made as often as possible.
When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion. The Brigadier explained that
the law of Leaphigh had various peculiarities on
this subject, that I do not remember to have heard
of before. Thus, a monikin could not be born,
without paying something to the church, a practice which early initiated him into his duties to,
wards that important branch of the public welfare;
and, even when he died, he left a fee behind him,
for the parson, as an admonition to those who still
existed in the flesh, not to forget their obligations.
He added that this sacred interest was, in short, so
rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused
to be plucked for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, there was a method of fleecing him, by the
application of red-hot iron rods, which generally
singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly
willing, in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and
choose, at Mleasure.




THE MONIKINS.             321
I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did
not hesitate to stigmatize the practice as barbarous.
"Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and
is just what a stranger would be likely to feel,
when he found mercy, and charity, and brotherly
love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the
stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and avarice.
But this is the way with us monikins; no doubt,
men manage better."
CHAPTER XX.
A very common case-or a great deal of law, and very little
justice. Heads and tails-with the dangers of each.
I WAS early with Noah on the following morning.
The poor fellow, when it is remembered that he
was about to be tried for a capital offence, in a
foreign country, under novel institutions, and before
a jury of a different species, manifested a surprising degree of fortitude. Still, the love of life was
strong within him, as was apparent by the way in
which he opened the discourse.
" Did you observe how the wind was, this morning, Sir John, as you came in?" the straight-forward
sealer inquired, with a peculiar interest.
"It is a pleasant gale from the soLthward."
"Right off shore! If one knew where all them
blackguards of Rear Admirals and Post Captains
were to be found-I don't think, Sir John, that you
would care much about paying those fifty thousand
promises?"
"My recognizes?-Not in the least, my dear
friend, were it not for our honor. It would scarcely be creditable for the Walrus to sail, however,




322             THE MONIKINS.
ieaving an unsettled account of her Captain's behind us. What would they say at Stunnin'tun —
what would your own consort think of an act so
mnmanly?"
"Why, at Stunnin'tun, we think him the smartest who gets the easiest out of any difficulty; and
I do n't well see why Miss Poke should know it,or, if she did, why she should think the worse of
her husband, for saving his life."
" Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace
yourself to meet the trial. We shall, at least, get
some insight into the Leaphigh jurisprudence.Come, I see you are already dressed for the occasion; let us be as prompt as duellists."
Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity;
although he lingered in the great square, in order
to study the clouds, in a way to show he might
have settled the whole affair with the fore-topsail,
had he known where to find his crew. Fortunately
for the reputations of all concerned, however, he
did not; and, discarding everything like apprehension from his countenance, the sturdy mariner entered the Old Bailey with the tread of a man, and the
firmness of innocence. I ought to have said sooner,
that we had received notice early in the morning,
that the proceedings had been taken from before
the pages, on appeal, and that a new venue had been
laid in the High Criminal Court of Leaphigh.
Brigadier Downright met us at the door; where
also a dozen, grave, greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in a way to show that they were
ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on
receiving no more than the customary fee. But I
had determined to defend Noah myself, (the court
consenting,) for I had forebodings that our safety
would depend more on an appeal to the rights of
hospitality, than on any legal defence it was in our




THE MONIKINS.            323
power to offer. As the Brigadier kindly volunteered
to aid me for nothing, I thought proper not to re.
fuse his services, however.
I pass over the appearance of the court, the em.
pannelling of the jury, and the arraignment; for, in
matters of mere legal forms, there is no great
difference between civilized countries, all of them
wearing the same semblance of justice. The first
indictment, for unhappily there were two, charged
Noah with having committed an assault, with malice
prepense, on the King's dignity, with " sticks, daggers, muskets, blunderbusses, air-guns, and other
unlawful weapons, more especially with the tongue,
in that he had accused his Majesty, face to face,
with having a memory, &c. &c." The other indictment, repeating the formula of the first, charged the
honest sealer with feloniously accusing her Majesty the Queen, "in defiance of the law, to the injury
of good morals and the peace of society, with
having no memory, &c. &c." To both these charges,
the plea of "Not Guilty," was entered as fast as
possible, in behalf of our client.
I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier
Downright and myself had applied to be admitted
of counsel for the accused, under an ancient law
of Leaphigh, as next of kin; I as a fellow human
being, and the Brigadier by adoption.
The preliminary forms observed, the AttorneyGeneral was about to go into proof, in behalf of
the crown, when my brother Downright arose and
said that he intended to save the precious time of
the court, by admitting the facts; and that it was
intended to rest the defence altogether on the law
of the case. He presumed that the jury was the
judge of the law as well as of the facts, according
to the rule of Leaplow, and that " he and his brother Goldencalf were quite prepared to show that




324             THE MONIKINS.
the law was altogether with us, in this affair."
The court received the admission, and the facts
were submitted to the jury, by consent, as proven;
although the Chief-Justice took occasion to remark,
Longbeard dissenting, that, while the jury were
certainly judges of the law, in one sense, yet there
was another sense in which they were not judges
of the law. The dissent of Baron Longbeard went
to maintain that while the jury were the judges of
the law in the "another sense" mentioned, they
were not judges of the law in the "one sense"
named. This difficulty disposed of, Mr. AttorneyGeneral arose and opened for the crown.
I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive and philosophical turn of mind against us,
in the advocate of the other side. He commenced
his argument by a vigorous and lucid sketch of the
condition of the world previously to the subdivisions of its different inhabitants into nations, and
tribes, and clans, while in the human or chrysalis
condition. From this statement, he deduced the
regular gradations by which men became separated into communities, and subjected to the laws
of civilization, or what is called society. Having
proceeded thus far, he touched lightly on the different phases that the institutions of men had presented, and descended gradually and consecutively
to the fundamental principles of the social compact, as they were known to exist among monikins.
After a few general observations that properly belonged to the subject, he came to speak of those
portions of the elementary principles of society
that are connected with the rights of the sovereign.
These he divided into the rights of the King's prerogative, the rights r:f the King's person, and the
rights of the King's conscience. Here he again
generalized a little, and in a very happy manner




THE MONIKINS.             325
so well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt
as to what he would next be at; when, by a fierce
logical swoop, he descended suddenly on the latter
of the King's rights, as the one that was most
connected with the subject.
He triumphantly showed that the branch of the
royal immunities that was chiefly affected by the
offence of the prisoner at the bar, was very clearly
connected with the rights of the King's conscience.
"' The attributes of royalty," observed the sagacious
advocate, " are not to be estimated in the same manner as the attributes of the subject. In the sacred
person of the King are centred many, if not most,
of the interesting privileges of monikinism. That
royal personage, in a political sense, can do no
wrong; official infallibility is the consequence. Such
a being has no occasion for the ordinary faculties
of the monikin condition. Of what use, for instance,
is a judgment, or a conscience, to a functionary
who can do no wrong? The law, in order to relieve
one on whose shoulders was imposed the burthen
of the state, had, consequently, placed the latter
especially in the keeping of another. His Majesty's
first-cousin is the keeper of his conscience, as
is known throughout the realm of Leaphigh. A
memory is the faculty of the least account to a
personage who has no conscience; and, while it
is not contended that the sovereign is relieved
from the possession of his memory by any positive
statute law, or direct constitutional provision, it
follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all
legitimate construction, that, having no occasion
to possess such a faculty, it is the legal presump.
tion he is altogether without it."
"That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my
Lords," continued Mr. Attorney-General, "which
are necessary to every well-ordered mind, would
28




326             THE MONIKINS.
be impaired, in the case of his Majesty, were his
intellectual faculties unnecessarily crowded in this
useless manner, and the state would be the sufferer.
My Lords, the King reigns, but he does not govern.
*This is a fundamental principle of the constitution;
nay, it is more-it is the palladium of our liberties!
My Lords, it is an easy matter to reign in Leaphigh. It requires no more than the rights of primogeniture, sufficient discretion to understand the
distinction between reigning and governing, and a
political moderation that is unlikely to derange the
balance of the state. But it is quite a different thing
to govern. His Majesty is required to govern nothing, the slight interests just mentioned excepted;
no, not even himself. The case is far otherwise
with his first cousin. This high functionary is
charged with the important trust of governing. It
had been found, in the early ages of the monarchy,
that one conscience, or indeed one set of faculties
generally, scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it
was both to reign and to govern. We all know,
my Lords, how insufficient for our personal objects are our own private faculties; how difficult
we find it to restrain even ourselves, assisted merely
by our own judgments, consciences and memories;
and in this fact, do we perceive the great importance of investing him who governs others, with an
additional set of these grave faculties. Under a
due impression of the exigency of such a state of
things, the common law-not statute law, my
Lords, which is apt to be tainted with the imperfections of monikin reason in its isolated or:individual
state, usually bearing the impress of the single cauda
from which it emanated; but the common law, the
known receptacle of all the common sense of the
nation —in such a state of things, then, has the
comnmon law long since decreed that his Majestv's




THE MONIKINS.            327
first-cousin should be the keeper of his Majesty's
conscience; and, by necessary legal implication,
endowed with his Majesty's judgment, his Majesty's reason, and, finally, his Majesty's memory.
"My Lords, this is the legal presumption. It
would, in addition, be easy for me to show, in a
thousand facts, that not only the sovereign of Leaphigh, but most other sovereigns, are and ever have
been, destitute of the faculty of a memory. It might
be said to be incompatible with the royal condition
to be possessed of this obtrusive faculty. Were a
prince endowed with a memory, he might lose
sight of his high estate, in the recollection that he
was born, and that he is destined, like another, to
die; he might be troubled with visions of the past;
nay, the consciousness of his very dignity might be
unsettled and weakened by a vivid view of the origin of his royal race. Promises, obligations, attachments, duties, principles, and even debts, might
interfere with the due discharge of his sacred
trusts, were the sovereign invested with a memory;
and it has, therefore, been decided, from time immemorial, that his Majesty is utterly without the
properties of reason, judgment, and memory, as a
legitimate inference from his being destitute of a
conscience."
Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention
of the court and jury to a statute of the 3d of Firstborn 6th, by which it was enacted that any person
attributing to his Majesty the possession of any
faculty, with felonious intent, that might endanger
the tranquillity of the state, should suffer decaudlsation, without benefit of clergy. Here he rested the
case on behalf of the crown.
There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had
resumed his seat. His argument, logic, and above
all his good sense and undeniable law, made a very




328             THE MONIKINS.
sensible impression; and I had occasion to observe
that Noah began to chew tobacco ravenously.
After a decent interval, however, Brigadier Downright, who, it would seem, in spite of his military
appellation, was neither more nor less than a practising attorney and counsellor in the city of Bivouac,
the commercial capital of the republic of Leaplow,
arose and claimed a right to be heard in reply. The
court now took it into its head to start the objection, for the first time, that the advocate had not
been duly qualified to plead, or to argue, at their
bar. My brother Downright instantly referred
their Lordships to the law of adoption, and to that
provision of the criminal code which permitted the
accused to be heard by his next of kin.
"Prisoner at the bar," said the Chief-Justice,
"you hear the statement of counsel. Is it your
desire to commit the management of your defence
to your next of kin?"
" To anybody, your honors, if the court please,"
returned Noah, furiously masticating his beloved
weed; V"to anybody who will do it well, my honorables, and do it cheap."
"And do you adopt, under the provisions of the
statute in such cases made and provided, Aaron
Downright as one of your next of kin, and if so, in
what capacity?"
" I do.-I do-my Lords and your honors-I do.
body and soul —if you please, I adopt the Brigadier
as my father; and my fellow human being, and tried
friend, Sir John Goldencalf, here, I adopt him as
my mother."
The court now formally assenting, the facts were
entered of record, and my brother Downright was
requested to proceed with the defence.
The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Racine's comedy of les Plaideurs, was disposed to pass




THE MONIKINS.            329
over the deluge, and to plunge instantly into the core
of his subject. He commenced with a review of the
ioyal prerogatives, and with a definition of the words
to reign." Referring to the dictionary of the academy, he showed triumphantly, that to reign, was no
other than to "govern as a sovereign;" while to
govern, in the familiar signification, was no more
than to govern in the name of a prince, or as a deputy. Having successfully established this point, he
laid down the position, that the greater might contain the less, but that the less could not possibly
contain the greater. That the right to reign, or to
govern, in the generic signification of the term,
must include all the lawful attributes of him who
only governed, in the secondary signification; and
that, consequently, the King not only reigned, but
governed. He then proceeded to show that a memory was indispensable to him who governed, since,
without one, he could neither recollect the laws,
make a suitable disposition of rewards and punishments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or necessary act. Again, it was contended that by the
law of the land the King's conscience was in the
keeping of his first-cousin; now, in order that the
King's conscience should be in such keeping, it was
clear that he must have a conscience, since a nonentity could not be in keeping, or even put in commission; and, having a conscience, it followed, ex
necessitate rei, that he must have the attributes of
a conscience, of which memory formed one of the
most essential features. Conscience was defined to
be "the faculty by which we judge of the goodness or wickedness of our own actions."  [See
Tohnson's Dictionary, page 163., letter C. London
edition. Rivington, publisher.] Now, in what manner can one judge of the goodness or wickedness
of his acts, or of those of any other person, if he
28 *




330             THE MONIKINS.
knows nothing about them?-and how can he know
anything of the past, unless endowed with the
faculty of a memory?
Again; it was a political corollary from the institutions of Leaphigh, that the King could do no
wrong"I beg your pardon, my brother Downright,"
interrupted the Chief Justice, " it is not a corollary,
but a proposition-and one, too, that is held to be
demonstrated. It is the paramount law of the land."
" I thank you, my Lord," continued the Brigadier, " as your Lordship's high authority makes my
case so much the stronger. It is, then, settled law,
gentlemonikins of the jury, that the Sovereign of
this realm can do no wrong. It is.also settled law,
-their Lordships will correct me, if I misstate,it is also settled law, that the Sovereign is the fountain of honor, that he can make war and peace,
that he administers justice, sees the laws executed    "
"I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright,"
interrupted the Chief Justice. " This is not the law,
but the prerogative. It is the King's prerogative
to be and do all this, but it is very far from being
law."
"Am I to understand, my Lord, that the court
makes a distinction between that which is prerogative, and that which is law?"
" Beyond a doubt, brother Downright! If all that
is prerogative, was also law, we could not get on
an hour."
"Prerogative, if your Lordship pleases, or pre
rogativa, is defined to be'an exclusive or peculiar
privilege.' [Johnson. Letter P. page 139., fifth
clause from bottom. Edition as aforesaid.-Speaking slow, in order to enable Baron Longbeard to
make his notes.] Now, an exclusive privilege, I




THM MoNIorNS.             331
humbly urge, must supersede all enactments,
and    "
"Not at all, sir-not at all, sir," put in my Lord
Chief Justice, dogmatically,-looking out of the
window at the clouds, in a way to show that his
mind was quite made up. "4Not at all, good sir.
The King has his prerogatives, beyond a question;
and they are sacred; —a part of the constitution.
They are, moreover, exclusive and peculiar, as
stated by Johnson; but their exclusion and peculiarity are not to be construed in the vulgar acceptations. In treating of the vast interests of a
state, the mind must take a wide range; and I hold.
brother Longbeard, there is no principle more settled than the fact, that prerogativa is one thing, and
lex, or the law, another." The Baron bowed assent. " By exclusion, in this case, is meant that
the prerogative touches only his Majesty. The
prerogative is exclusively his property, and he
may do what he pleases with it; but the law is
made for the nation, and is altogether a different
matter. Again: by peculiar, is clearly meant peculiarity, or that this case is analogous to no other,
and must be reasoned on by the aid of a peculiar
logic. No, sir,-the King can make peace and
war, it is true, under his prerogative; but then his
conscience is hard and fast in the keeping of another, who alone can perform all legal acts."
"' But, my Lord, justice, though administered by
others, is still administered in the King's name."
" No doubt, in his name:-this is a part of the
peculiar privilege. War is made in his Ma-lesty's
name, too,-so is peace. What is war? It is the
personal conflicts between bodies of men of different nations. Does his Majesty engage in these conflicts? Certainly not. The war is maintained by
taxes. —does his Majesty pay them?-No. Thus




332             THE MONIKINS.
we see that while the war is constitutionally the
King's, it is practically the people's. It follows, as
a corollary,-since you quote corollaries, brother
Downright,-that there are two wars-or the war
of the prerogative, and the war of the fact. Now,
the prerogative is a constitutional principle-a very
sacred one, certainly;-rbut a fact is a thing that
comes home to every monikin's fire-side; and, therefore, the courts have decided, ever since the reign
of Timid II., or ever since they dared, that the prerogative was one thing, and the law another."
My brother Downright seemed a good deal perplexed by the distinctions of the court, and he concluded much sooner than he otherwise would have
done; summing up the whole of his arguments, by
showing, or attempting to show, that if the King
had even these peculiar privileges, and nothing
else, that he must be supposed to have a memory.
The court now called upon the Attorney-General to reply; but that person appeared to think his
case strong enough as it was; and the matter, by
agreement, was submitted to the jury, after a short
charge from the bench.
"You are not to suffer vour intellects to be confused, gentlemonikins, by the argument of the prisoner's counsel," concluded the Chief Justice. " He
has done his duty, and it remains for you to be
equally conscientious. You are, in this case, the
judges of the law and the fact; but it is a part
of my functions to inform you what they both are.
By the law, the King is supposed to have no faculties. The inference drawn by counsel, that not
being capable of erring, the King must have the
highest possible moral attributes, and consequently
a memory, is unsound. The constitution says his
Majesty can do no wrong. This inability may proceed from a variety of causes, If he can do nothing,




THE MONIKINS             333
for instance, he can do no wrong. The constitution
does not say that the Sovereign will do no wrong —
but, that he can do no wrong. Now, gentlemonikins, when a thing cannot be done, it becomes impossible; and it is, of course, beyond the reach of
argument. It is of no moment whether a person
has a memory, if he cannot use it, and, in such a
case, the legal presumption is, that he is without a
memory; for, otherwise, Nature, who is ever wise
and beneficent, would be throwing away her gifts.
" Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are
the judges, in this case, of both the law and the
fact. The fate of the prisoner is in your hands. —
God forbid that it should be, in any manner, influenced by me; but this is an offence against the
King's dignity, and the security of the realm; the
law is against the prisoner, the facts are all
against the prisoner, and I do not doubt that your
verdict will be the spontaneous decision of your
own excellent judgments, and of such a nature as
will prevent the necessity of our ordering a new
trial."
The jurors put their tails together, and in less
than a minute, their foremonikin rendered a verdict of guilty. Noah sighed, and took a fresh supply of tobacco.
The case of the Queen was immediately opened
by her Majesty's Attorney-General; the prisoner
having been previously arraigned, and a plea entered of not guilty.
The Queen's advocate made a bitter attack on
the animus of the unfortunate prisoner. He described her Majesty as a paragon of excellencies;
as the depository of all the monikina virtues, and
the model of her sex. " If she, who was so justly
celebrated for the gifts of charity, meekness, religion, justice, and submission to feminine duties, had




334             THE MONIKINS.
no memory, he asked leave to demand, in the name
of God, who had? Without a memory, in what
manner was this illustrious personage to recall her
duties to her royal consort, her duties to her royal
offspring, her duties to her royal self?  Memory
was peculiarly a royal attribute; and without its possession no one could properly be deemed of high and
ancient lineage. Memory referred to the past, and the
consideration due to royalty was scarcely ever a
present consideration, but a consideration connected
with the past. We venerated the past. Time was
divided into the past, present and future. The past
was invariably a monarchical interest-the present
was claimed by republicans —the future belonged
to fate. If it were decided that the Queen had no
memory, we should strike a blow at royalty. It
was. by memory, as connected with the public archives, that the King derived his title to his throne;
it was to memory, which recalled the deeds of his
ancestors, that he became entitled to our most profound respect."
In this manner did the Queen's Attorney-General
speak for about an hour, when he gave way to the
counsel for the prisoner. But, to my great surprise,
for I knew that this accusation was much the
gravest of the two, since the head of Noah would
be the price of conviction, my brother Downright,
instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I had
fully anticipated, merely said a few words, in which
he expressed so firm a confidence in the acquittal
of his client, as to appear to think a further defence
altogether unnecessary. He had no sooner seated
himself. than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction
with this course, and avowed an intention to make
an effort in behalf of my poor friend, myself
" Keep silence, Sir John," whispered my brother
Downright; "the advocate who makes many un



THE MONIKINS.            335
successful applications gets to be disrespected. I
charge myself with the care of the Lord High Admiral's interests; at the proper time, they shall be
duly attended to."
Having the profoundest respect for the Brigadier's legal attainments, and no great confidence
in my own, I was fain to submit. In the mean time,
the business of the court proceeded; and the jury,
having received a short charge from the bench,
which was quite as impartial as a positive injunction to convict could very well be, again rendered
the verdict of "Guilty."
In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to
wear clothes, it is also esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high functionaries to adorn their
persons with suitable badges of their official rank.
We have already had an account of the hierarchy
of tails, and a general description of the mantle
composed of tenth-hairs; but I had forgotten to say
that both my Lord Chief-Justice and Baron Longbeard had tail-cases made of the skins of deceased
monikins, which gave the appearance of greater
development to their intellectual organs, and most
probably had some influence in the way of coddling
their brains, which required great care and attention on account of incessant use. They now drew
over these tail-cases a sort of box-coat of a very
bloodthirsty color, which, we were given to understand, was a sign that they were in earnest, and
about to pronounce sentence; justice in Leaphigh
being of singularly bloodthirsty habits.
" Prisoner at the bar," the Chief-Justice began,
in a voice of reproof, "you have heard the decision
of your peers. You have been arraigned and tried
on the heinous charge of having accused the sovereign of this realm of being in possession of the
faculty called " a memory," thereby endangering




336             THE MONIKINS.
the peace of society, unsettling the social relations,
and setting a dangerous example of insubordination
and of contempt of the laws. Of this crime, after
a singularly patient and impartial hearing, you
have been found guilty. The law allows the court
no discretion in the case. It is my duty to pass
sentence forthwith; and I now solemnly ask you,
if you have anything to say why sentence of decaudisation should not be pronounced against you"Here the Chief-Justice took just time enough to
gape, and then proceeded-" You are right in
throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of the
court, which better knows what is fittest for you,
than you can possibly know for yourself. You will be
taken, Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forthwith, to the centre of the public square, between the
hours of sunrise and sunset of this day, where your
cauda will be cut off; and after it has been divided
into four parts, a part will be exposed towards each
of the cardinal points of the compass; and the brush
thereof being consumed by fire, the ashes will be
thrown into your face, and this without benefit of
clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your
soul!"
"Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color," put in
Baron Longbeard, without giving the culprit breathing-time, " you have been indicted, tried, and found
guilty of the enormous crime of charging the
Queen-consort of this realm of being wanting in
the ordinary, important, and every-day faculty of a
memory. Have you anything to say why sentence
should not be forthwith passed against you?-NoI am sure you are very right in throwing yourself
altogether on the mercy of the court, which is
quite disposed to show you all that is in its power,
which happens, in this case, to be none at all. I need
not dwell on the gravity of your offence. If the




THE MONIKINS.            337
law should allow that the Queen'has no memory,
other females might put in claims to the same privilege, and society would become a chaos. Marriage vows, duties, affections, and all our nearest
and dearest interests would be unhinged, and this
pleasant state of being would degenerate into a
moral, or rather an immoral, pandemonium. Keeping in view these all-important considerations, and
more especially the imperativeness of the law,
which does not admit of discretion, the court sentences you to be carried hence, without delay, to
the centre of the great square, where your head
will be severed from your body by the public executioner, without benefit of clergy; after which,
your remains are to be consigned to the public hospitals for the purposes of dissection."
The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard's mouth, before both the Attorneys-General
started up, to move the court in behalf of the separate dignities of their respective principals. Mr.
Attorney-General of the crown prayed the court so
far to amend its sentence, as to give precedency to
the punishment on account of the offence against
the King; and Mr. Attorney-General for the Queen,
to pray the court it would not be so far forgetful
of her Majesty's rights and dignity, as to establish
a precedent so destructive of both. I caught a
glimpse of hope glancing about the eyes of my brother Downright, who, waiting just long enough to
let the two advocates warm themselves over these
points of law, arose and moved the court for a stay
of execution, on the plea that neither sentence was
legal; that delivered by my Lord Chief-Justice
containing a contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered
the decaudisation to take place between the hours
of sunrise and sunset, and also forthwith: and that
delivered by Baron Longbeard, on account of its
29




338             THE MONIKINS.
ordering the body to be given up to dissection, cor
trary to the law, which merely made that provision
in the case of condemned monikins, the prisoner at
the bar being entirely of another species.
The court deemed all these objections serious,
but decided on its own incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was a question for the twelve
Judges, who were now on the point of assembling.
and to whom they referred the whole affair on
appeal. In the mean time, justice could not be
stayed. The prisoner must be carried out into the
square, and matters must proceed; but, should either
of the points be finally determined in his favor, he
could have the benefit of it, so far as circumstances
would then allow. Hereupon, the court rose, and
the judges, counsel and clerks, repaired in a body
to the hall of the twelve Judges.
CHAPTER XXI.
Better and better-More law and more justice-Tails anri
heads; the importance of keeping each in its proper
place
NOAH was incontinently transferred to the place
of execution, where I promised to meet him in time
to receive his parting sigh, curiosity inducing me
first to learn the issue on the appeal. The Brigadier told me in confidence, as we went to the other
hall, that the affair was now getting to be one of
great interest; that hitherto it had been mere boys'
play, but it would in future require counsel of great
reading and research to handle the arguments, and
that he flattered himself there was a good occasion




THE MONIKINS.           339
likely to present itself, for him to show what
monikin reason really was.
The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and
altogether they presented a formidable array of
intellectual development. As the cause of Noah
was admitted to be one of more than common urgency, after hearing only three or four other short
applications on behalf of the crown, whose rights
always have precedence on such occasions, the
Attorney-General of the King was desired to open
his case.
The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the
objections of both his adversaries, beginning with
those of my brother Downright. Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four
hours, according to the actual time of using the
term. Thus, forthwith of a morning, would mean
in the morning; forthwith at noon, would mean at
noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover, in a legal signification, forthwith must mean
between sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding
that all executions shall take place by the light of
the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified
and confirmed each other, instead of conveying a
contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would
most probably be contended by the opposite counsel.
To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on
such occasions, objected pretty much the converse.
He maintained that all light proceeded from the
sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only
mean that there should be no executions during
eclipses, a period when the whole monikin race
ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise
and sunset" meant between sunrise and sunset;
which might be immediately, or might not.
On this point the twelve Judges decided, firstly,




340             THE MONIKINS.
that forthwith did not mean forthwith; secondly
that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was
illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a
wrong legal purpose; and, fifthly, that the objection
was of no avail, as respected the case of No. 1, seawater-color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal
lose his tail forthwith.
The objection to the other sentence met with
no better fate. Men and monikins did not differ
more than some men differed from other men, of
some monikins differed from other monikins. Oidered, that the sentence be confirmed with costs.
I thought this decision the soundest of the two; foi
I had often had occasion to observe, that there
were very startling points of resemblance between
monkeys and our own species.
The contest now commenced between the two
Attorneys-General in earnest; and, as the point at
issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a
lively-I may say an engrossing-interest in all the
hearers. It was settled, however, after a vigorous
discussion, in favor of the King, whose royal dignity the twelve Judges were unanimously of opinion
was entitled to precedency over that of the Queen.
To my great surprise, my brother Downright volunteered an argument on this intricate point, making
an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the King's
dignity, as was admitted by every one who heard
it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of
the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into
the culprit's face. It is true this might be done
physically after decapitation, but it could not be
done morally. This part of the punishment was
designed for a moral effect; and to produce that ef
feet, consciousness and shame were both necessaryTherefore, the moral act of throwing the ashes into




THE MONIKINS.            341
the face of the criminal could only be done while
he was living, and capable of being ashamed.
Meditation, Chief-Justice, delivered the opinion
of the bench. It contained the usual amount of
legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed as very
eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred
and inviolable character of the royal prerogatives,
(prerogativea, as he termed them,) and was so
lucid in pointing out the general inferiority of the
Queen-consort, that I felt happy her Majesty was
not present to hear herself and sex undervalued.
As might have been expected, it allowed great
weight to the distinction taken by the Brigadier.
The decision was in the following words, viz. —
" Rex et Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: Ordered, that the officers of justice shall proceed forthwith to decaudisate the defendant before they decapitate him; provided he has not been forthwith
decapitated before he can be decaudisated."
The moment this mandamus was put into the
hands of the proper officer, Brigadier Downright
caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall
of justice, as if both our lives depended on our expedition. I was about to reproach him for having
volunteered to aid the King's Attorney-General,
when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the
want of a button-hole, he said, with evident satisfaction, —
"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John!
I do not remember to have been employed, for some
years, in a more interesting litigation. Now this
cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a
close, has just reached its pivot, or turning point;
and I see every prospect of extricating our client
with great credit to myself."
"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted;
"the accused is finally sentenced, if not actually
executed!"
29 *




342             THE MONIKINS.
"Not so fast, my good Sir John-not so fast, ny
any means. Nothing is final in law, while there is
a farthing to meet the costs, or the criminal can
yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent
way; much better than I have deemed it at any
time since the accused was arraigned."
Surprise left me no other power than that which
was necessary to demand an explanation.
" All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brother Downright, " whether the head is
still on the body of the accused or not. Do you
proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution; and, should our client still have a head, keep
up his spirits by a proper religious discourse, always
preparing him for the worst, for this is no more
than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprize me of the fact. I ask but two things of youspeed in coming with the news, and perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest of
the frame, by even a hair.-A hair often turns the
scales of justice!"
"The case seems desperate-would it not be as
well for me to run down to the palace, at once;
demand an audience of their Majesties, throw myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore
a pardon?"
" Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient
reasons: firstly, there is not time; secondly, you
would not be admitted without a special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a King nor a Queen."
"No King in Leaphigh!"
"I have said it."
"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall
be obliged to refute what you say, by the evidence
of my own senses."
"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses
then. Formerly there was a King in Leaphigh



THE MONIKINS.            343
and one who governed, as well as reigned. But
the nobles and grandees of the country, deeming
it indecent to trouble His Majesty with affairs of
state any longer, took upon themselves all the trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole
duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save
his feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical force and abuses of the mass.
After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive to feed and otherwise support the royal family,
and all its members were privately' shipped to a
distant region, which had not yet got to be so far
advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep
up a monarchy without a monarch."
"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this
prodigy?"
"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations
and decaudisations enough, even greater exploits
may be performed."
" But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no such thing as a monarch in this
country?"
" Literally."
"And the presentations?"
" Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy."
"And the crimson curtains? —"
"Conceal empty seats."
"Why not, then, dispense with so -much costly
representation?"
" In what way could the grandees cry out that
the throne is in danger, if there were no throne?
It is one thing to have no monarch, and another to
have no throne. But all this time our client is in
great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I have just instructed you."
I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was
flying towards the centre of the square. It was easy
enough to perceive the tail of my friend waving




344             THE MONIKINS.
over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had
already rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at
the first glance, I did not recognize his head. He
was, however, still in the body; for, luckily for
himself, and more especially for the success of his
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had
rendered unusual preparations necessary for the
execution. As the mandate of the court had not
yet arrived-justice being as prompt in Leaphigh
as her ministers are dilatory —two blocks were
prepared, and the culprit was about to get down on
his hands and knees between them, just as I forced
my way through the crowd to his side.
" Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!'
exclaimed the rebuked Noah; "a ra'ally awful
situation for a human Christian to have his enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!"
"While there is life there is hope; but it is always
best to be prepared for the worst-he who is thus
prepared never can meet with a disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners,"-for there were two,
that of the King and that of the Queen, or one at
each end of the unhappy criminal —" Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the culprit a moment
to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last
requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!"
To this reasonable petition neither of the high
functionaries of the law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not forthwith bring
the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they
might lose their places. They did not see, however,
but a man might pause for a moment on the brink
of the grave. It would seem that there had been
a little misunderstanding between the executioners
themselves on the point of precedency, which had
been one cauise of the delay, and which had been
disposed of by an arrangement that both should




THE MONIKINS.           345
operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought
down to his hands and knees, "moored head and
starn," as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was
in the crowd, expressed it, between the two blocks,
his neck lying on one and his tail on the other
While in this edifying attitude, I was permitted to
address him.
" It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my
dear Captain," I said; " for, to speak truth, these
axes have a very prompt and sanguinary appearance."
" I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own that I have been repenting
with all my might, ever since that first vardict.
That affair of the Lord High Admiral, in particular, has given me a good deal of consarn; and I
now humbly ask your pardon for being led awa)
by such a miserable deception, which is all owing
to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who I hope will yet
meet with his desarts. I forgive everybody, and
hope everybody will forgive me. As for Miss
Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether
past expecting another consort, and she must be
satisfied to be a relic the rest of her days."
"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah-repentance is the one thing needful, for a man in youe
extremity."
"I do-I do, Sir John, body and soul-I repent,
from the bottom of my heart, ever having come on
this v'y'ge, —nay, I don't know but I repent ever
having come outside of Montauk Point. I might,
at this moment, have been a schoolmaster or a
tavern-keeper in Stunin'tun; and they are both
good wholesome births, particularly the last. Lord
love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any
good, I should be pardoned on the spot."
Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in'.  crowd, and he asked of the executioners, as a




346             THE MONIKINS.
last favor, that they would have the boy broughn
near, that he might take an affectionate leave of
him. This reasonable request was complied with,
in despite of poor Bob's struggles; and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying
moment, the mandate for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials seriously declared
that the condemned must prepare to meet his fate.
The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke
submitted to the mortal process of decaudisation,
extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy
in, every monikin present. Having satisfied myself
that the tail was actually separated from the body,
I ran, as fast as legs could carry me, towards the
hall of the twelve Judges. My brother Downright,
who was impatiently expecting my appearance,
instantly arose and moved the bench to issue a
mandamus for a stay of execution, in the case of"Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-watercolor. By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and
Flirtilla, it was enacted, my Lords," put in the Brigadier, " that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer
loss of life, or limb, while it can be established that
he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my
Lords, of common law —but being common sense
and common monikinity, it has been thought prudent to enforce it by an especial enactment. I pre
sume Mr. Attorney-General for the Queen wilt
scarcely dispute the law of the case  -"
"Not at all, my Lords-though I have some
doubts as to the fact. The fact remains to be es..
tablished," answered the other, taking snuff.
" The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil
In the case of Rex versus Noah Poke, the court
ordered the punishment of decaudisation to take precedence of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina
versus the same. Process had been issued from the




THE MONIKINS.            347
bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence,
lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a creature
without reason has always been held to be non
compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not
liable to the punishments of life or limb."
"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright,"
observed my Lord Chief Justice, "but it remains
for the bench to be put in possession of the facts.
At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared- "
"' I pray you, my Lord, to remember that this is
a case which will not admit of three months' delay."
" We can decide the principle a year hence, as
well as to-day; and we have now sat longer in
banco," looking at his watch, "than is either usual,
agreeable, or expedient."
" But, my Lords, the proof is at hand. Here is
a witness to establish that the cauda of Noah Poke,
the defendant of record, has actually been separated from his body   "
" Nay-nay —my brother Downright, a barrister
of your experience must know that the twelve can
only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an
affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to
hear it, before we adjourn,-as it is, the affair must
lie over to another sitting."
I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly
scent the peculiar odor of the burning tail; the
ashes of which being fairly thrown into Noah's face,
there remained no further obstacle to the process of
decapitation,-the sentence, it will be remembered,
having kept his countenance on his shoulders,
expressly for that object.  My brother Downright,
however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so
simple a stumbling-block.-Seizing a paper that was
already written over in a good legal hand, which
happened to be lying before him, he read it, with.
out pause or hesitation, in the following manner: —




348             THE MONIKINS.
"Regina versus Noah Poke.
Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts,  r
this fourth day of the Moon.  Personally appeared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief Justice
of the Court of King's Bench, John Goldencalf
Baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who,
being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., That
he, the said deponent, was present at, and did witness the decaudisation of the defendant in this suit,
and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1,
sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his body.-And further this deponent
sayeth not. Signature, &c."
Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, (which existed only in his own brain,)
my brother Downright desired the court to take my
deposition tb its truth.
" John Goldencalf, Baronet," said the Chief Justice, " you have heard what has just been read; do
you swear to its truth?"
"' I do."
Here, the affidavit was signed by both my Lord
Chief Justice and myself, and it was duly put on
file. I afterwards learned that the paper used by
my brother Downright on this memorable occasion,
was no other than the notes which the Chief Justice himself had taken on one of the arguments in
the case in question, and, that seeing the names and
title of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter
to read his own writing, that high officer of the
crown had, very naturally, supposed that all was
right. As to the rest of the bench, they were in
too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read
affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of,
by the following decision.
" Regina versus Noah Poke, &c. Ordered, That.he culprit be considered non compos mentis, and




THE MONIKINS.            349
that he be discharged, on finding security to keep
the peace for the remainder of his natural life."
An officer was instantly dispatched to the great
square with this reprieve, and the court rose. I
delayed a little in order to enter into the necessary
recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the
same time, the bonds given the previous nignt, for
his appearance to answer to the indictments. These
forms being duly complied with, my brother Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution,.n order to congratulate our client, —the former
justly elated with his success, which he assured me
was not a little to the credit of his own education.
We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands of the Philistines; nor was
he at all backward in expressing his satisfaction at
the unexpected turn things had taken. According
to his account of the matter, he did not set a higher
value on his head than another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been necessary to
part with it, he made no doubt he should have
submitted to do so like a man, referring to the fortitude with which he had borne the amputation of
his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his part,
he should take very good care how he accused any
one with having a memory, or any thing else, again,
and he now saw the excellence of those wise provisions of the laws, which cut up a criminal in
order to prevent the repetition of his offences; he
did not intend to stay much longer on shore, believing he should be less in the way of temptation on
board the Walrus than among the monikins; and,
as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching them on board again, for they had now been
off their pork twenty-four hours, and nuts were
but pool grub for fore-mast hands, after all; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments, but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant
X,4S




350            THE MONIKINS.
3n'arth was the belly; he did not remember ever
to have had a struggle with his belly-and he had
a thousand-that the belly didn't get the better;
that it would be awkward to lay down the title of
Lord High Admiral, but it was easier to lay down
that than to lay down his head; that as for a cauda,
though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he could do very well without one, and when
he got back to Stunnin'tun, should the worst come
to the worst, there was a certain saddler in the
place, who could give him as good a fit as the one
he had lost; that Miss Poke would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he come home after
decapitation; that it might be well to sail for Leap.
low, as soon as convenient, for in that country he
understood bobs were in fashion, and he admitted
that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh,
for any great length of time, unless he could look
as other people look; for his part, he bore no one
a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but Bob,
out of whom, the Lord willing, he proposed to have
full satisfaction, before the ship should be twentyfour hours at sea, &c. &c. &c.
Such was the general tendency of the remarks
of Captain Poke, as we proceeded towards the port,
where he embarked and went on board the Walrus,
with some eagerness, having learned that our rearadmirals and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the
calls of nature, and had all gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be fore-mast Jacks in a wellvictualled ship, than the King of Leaphigh upon nuts.
The Captain had no sooner entered the boat,
taking his head with him, than I began to make my
acknowledgments to my brother Downright, for the
able manner in which he had defended my fellow
human being; paying, at the same time, some wellmerited compliments to the ingenious and truly phi



THE MONIKINS.            351
losophical distinctions of the Leaphigh system of
jurisprudence.
" Spare your thanks and your commendations, I
beg of you, good Sir John," returned the Brigadier,
as we walked back towards my lodgings. "We
did as well as circumstances would allow; though
our whole defence would have been upset, had not
the Chief Justice very luckily been unable to read
his own handwriting. As for the principles and
forms of the monikin law, —for in these particulars
Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh,-as you have
seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they
are such as we have. I do not pretend that they
are faultless; on the contrary, I could point out
improvements myself-but we get on with them as
well as we can: no doubt, among men, you have
codes that will better bear examination."
CHAPTER XXII.
A neophyte in diplomacy-diplomatic introduction —a calculation-a shipment of Opinions-how to choose an invoice,
with an assortment.
I NOW began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for I confess I was heartily tired of being
thought the governor of his Royal Highness Prince
Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my proper place in society. I was the more incited to make
the change, by the representations of the Brigadier,
who assured me that it was sufficient to come
from foreign parts, to be esteemed a nobleman:n Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his
country, any of the ill-treatment I had received in
the one in which I now was. After talking over the
matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined
to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in order




352             THE MONIKINS.
io ask for our passports, and to offer, at the same
time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People's
Friend might have prepared for his government,it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to
these God-sends in carrying on their diplomatic
correspondence.
We found the Judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut, certainly, from that which he
made when I saw him the previous night at court.
Then he was all queue; now, he was all bob. He
seemed glad to see us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the intention to sail for
Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly
asked a passage for himself, with republican simplicity.
There was to be another turn of the great and
little wheels, he said, and it was quite important to
himself to be on the spot; for, although every thing
was, beyond all question, managed with perfect
republican propriety, yet, somehow, and yet he did
not know exactly how, but somehow, those who are
on the spot always get the best prizes. If I could
give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it
a great personal favor; and I might depend on
it, the circumstance would be well received by the
party. Although I did not very well understand
what he meant by this party, which was to view the
act so kindly, I very cheerfully told the Judge that the
apartments lately occupied by my Lord Chatterino
and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I
was then asked when I intended to sail; and the
answer was, the instant the wind hauled, so we
could lay out of the harbour. It might be within
half an hour. Hereupon Judge People's Friend
begged I would have the goodness to wait until he
could hunt up a charg4 d'affaires. His instructions
were most peremptory never to leave the le ation
without a chargE d'affaires; but he would justIbrush




THE MONIKINS.            353
his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in
five minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It
would have been unkind to refuse so trifling a favor
and the promise was given. The Judge must have
run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in
about ten minutes, he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he
offered the place had plumply refused it, and, indeed,
he did not know but he should have a quarrel or
two on his hands; but, at last, he had luckily found
aae    cauld vb,t i.g  tos d.,m  i pmme)
him on the spot.
So far every thing had gone on swimmingly; but
the new charge had, most unfortunately, a very
long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably proscribed
by the Leaplow usages, except in cases where the
representative went to court-for it seems the Leaplow political ethics, like your country buck, has
two dresses; one for every-day wear, and one for
Sundays. The Judge intimated to his intended substitute, that it was absolutely indispensable he should
submit to an amputation,orhe could not possibly confer the appointment, queues being proscribed at
home by both public opinions, the horizontal and
the perpendicular. To this the candidate objected
that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this
head, but that he had seen his Excellency himself
going to court with a singularly apparent brush;
and he had supposed from that, and from sundry
other little occurrences he did not care to particularize, that the Leaplowers were not so bigoted
in their notions, but they could act on the principle
of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To
this the Judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in all things that were agreeable
and that he knew, from experience, how hard it
was to go in a bob, when all around him went in
30 *




354            THE MONIKINS.
caudce; but that tails were essentially anti-republi.
can, and as such had been formally voted down in
Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did not
dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he
would; and if it were known that a public charge
offended in this particular, although he might be
momentarily protected by one of the public opinions,
the matter would certainly be taken up by the opposition public opinion, and then the people might
order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven
it knew! —occurred now a great deal oftener than
was either profitable or convenient.
Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the
fastenings and removed the queue, showing, to our
admiration, that it was false, and that he was, after
all, neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade; which, by the way, I afterwards learned,
was very apt to be the case with a great many of
that eminently original people, when they got without the limits of their own beloved land. Judge
People's Friend was now perfectly delighted. He
told us this was exactly what he could most have
wished for. "Here is a bob," said he, "for the
horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capital ready-made cauda for his Majesty and his Majesty's first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower,
more especially if there be a dash of caricature
about him, is the very thing in our diplomacy."
Finding matters so much to his mind, the Judge
made out the letter of appointment on the spot, and
then proceeded to give his substitute the usual instructions.
" You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the
utmost care not to offend the court of Leaphigh, or
the meanest of the courtiers, by advancing any of
our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute,
you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you




THE MONIKINS.             355
are to be so particular, that you may even, in youl
own person, pro tempore, abandon republicanism —
yea, sacred republicanism itself!-knowing that it
can easily be resumed on your return home again;
you are to remember there is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on any
subject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons you may happen to be in company with; and,
as we have the reputation of possessing that quality
in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home,
take especial heed to eschew vulgarity-if you can;
you will have the greatest care, also, to wear the
shortest bob in all your private, and the longest tail
in all your public, relations, this being one of the
most important of the celebrated checks and balances of our government; our institutions being
expressly formed by the mass, for the particular
benefit of all, you will be excessively careful not to
let the claims of any one citizen, or even any set
of citizens, interfere with that harmony which it is
so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain
with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed themselves to consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the state, are singulary restive whenever they hear of any individual
being made of so much importance. Should any
Leaplower become troublesome on this score, give
him a bad name at once; and in order to effect that
object with your own single-minded and right-loving
countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and.
my  ife on it, both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is nothing on which our public
opinions agree so well as the absolute deference
which they pay to foreign public opinions,-and
this the more especially, in all matters that are likely
to affect profits, by deranging commerce. You will,
above all things, make it a point to be in constant




356             THE MONIKINS.
relations with some of the readiest paragraph-writers of the newspapers, in order to see that facts
are properly stated at home. I would advise you
to look out some foreigner who has never seen
Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also
paid to write for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign country; by which
means you will be sure to get an impartial agent,
or one who can state things in your own way, who.s already half paid for his services, and who will
not be likely to make blunders by meddling with
distinctive thought. When a person of this character is found, let him drop a line now and then in
favor of your own sagacity and patriotism; and if
he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about
me, it will do no harm, but may help the little wheel
to turn more readily. In order to conceal.his origin, let your paragraph-agent use the word our
freely; the use of this word, as you know, being
the only qualification of citizenship in Leaplow.
Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then
proceed to pronounce it, and be careful that he
does not spell it H-O-U-R, which might betray
his origin. Above all things, you will be patriotic
and republican, avoiding the least vindication of
your country and its institutions, and satisfying
yourself with saying that the latter are, at least,
well suited to the former; if you should say this in
a way to leave the impression on your hearers,
that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it
will be particularly agreeable and thoroughly republican, and most eminently modest and praiseworthy. You will find the diplomatic agents of all
other states, sensitive on the point of their peculiar
political usages, and prompt to defend them; but
this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from
imitating. for our polity being exclusively based on




THE MONIKINS.            357
reason, you are to show a dignified confidence in
the potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any
way lessen the high character that reason already
enjoys, by giving any one cause to suspect you think
reason is not fully able to take care of itself. With
these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies, which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for
the great objects of diplomacy, being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating, and, above all, of a
foreign disposition, I think you will be able to get
on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your
foreign dispositions, for you are now.on foreign
duty, and your country reposes on your shoulders
and eminent talents, the whole burthen of its foreign
interests in this part of the world."
Here the Judge closed his address, which was
oral, apparently well satisfied with himself and with
his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then said," That he would now go to court to present his
substitute, and to take leave himself; after which he
would return as fast as possible, and detain us no
longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper,
to protect it against the moths; for heaven knew
what prize he might draw in the next turn of the
little wheel!"
We promised to meet him at the port, where a
messenger just then informed us, Captain Poke had
laneded, and was anxiously waiting our appearance.
With this understanding we separated; the Judge
undertaking to redeem all our promises paid in at
the tavern, by giving his own in their stead.
The Brigadier and myself found Noah and the
cook bargaining for some private adventures, with
a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the ship
was about to sail in ballast, were recommending
their wares to the notice of these two worthies.
"It would be a ra'al sin, Sir John," commenced




358             THE MONIKINS.
the Captain, "to neglect an occasion like this to
turn a penny. The ship could carry ten thousand
immigrunts, and they say there are millions of them
going over to Leaplow; or it might stow half the
goods in Aggregation. I'm resolved, at any rate,
to use my cabin privilege; and I would advise you,
as owner, to look out for suthin' to pay portcharges with, to say the least."
"The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as
we are ignorant of the state of the market on the
other side, it might be well to consult some inhabitant of the country about the choice of articles.
Here is the Brigadier Downright, whom I have
found to be a monikin of experience and judgment,
and if you please, we will first hear what he has to
say about it."
"I dabble very little in merchandise," returned
the Brigadier; "but, as a general principle, I should
say that no article of Leaphigh manufacture would
command so certain a market in Leaplow as Opinions."
"Have you any of these opinions for sale?" I
inquired of the broker.
" Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities-from
the very lowest to the very'ighest prices-those
that may be had for next to nothing, to those that
we think a great deal of ourselves. We always
keeps them ready packed for exportation, and send
wast invoices of them, hannually, to Leaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each
other; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might
stow enough, provided they were properly assorted, to carry all before them for the season."
Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were
immediately led into an adjoining warehouse, where,
sure enough, there were goodly lots of the manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, read



THE MONIKINS.            359
ing the inscriptions of the different packages. Point.
ing to several bundles that had " Opinions on Free
Trade" written on their labels, I asked the Brigadier what he thought of that article.
"Why, they would have done better, a year or
two since, when we were settling a new tariff; but
I should think there would be less demand for them
now."
"You are quite right, sir," added the broker;
"we did send large invoices of them to Leaplow
formerly, and they were all eagerly bought up,
the moment they arrived. A great many were
dyed over again, and sold as of'ome manufacture.
Most of these harticles are now shipped for Leapup,
with whom we have negotiations that give them a
certain value."
" I Opinions on Democracy, and on the polity of
governments in general;' I should think these would
be of no use in Leaplow?"
" Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole
world. We sell powers on'em on our own continent, near by, and a great many do go even to
Leaplow; though what they does with'em there, I
never could say, seeing they are all government
monikins in that queer country."
An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer
from the Brigadier: —
"To admit the fact, we have a class among us
who buy up these articles with some eagerness. I
can only account for it, by supposing they think
differing in their tastes from the mass, makes them
more enlightened and peculiar."
" I'll take them all. An article that catches these
propensities is sure of a sale.'Opinions on Events;'
what can possibly be done with these?"
"That depends a little on their classification,'
returned the Brigadier. "If they relate to Leap



360             THE MONIKINS.
low events, while they have a certain value, they
cannot be termed of current value; but if they refer
to the events of all the rest of the earth, take them,
for heaven's sake! for we trust altogether to this
market for our supplies."
On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to
dispose of the least fashionable by aid of those that
were more in vogue.
"' Opinions on Domestic Literature.'"
"You may buy all he has; we use no other."
"'Opinions on Continental Literature."'
"Why, we know little about the goods themselves-but I think a selection might answer."
I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half,
at a venture.
"' Opinions on Leaplow Literature, from No. 1, up
to No. 100. "
"Ah! it is proper I should explain," put in the
broker, "that we has two varieties of them'ere
harticles. One is the true harticle, as is got up by
our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the
most approved models; but the other is nothing but
a sham harticle that is really manufactured in
Leaplow, and is sent out here to get our stamp.
That's all-I never deceives a customer —both sell
well, I hear, on the other side, however."
I looked again at the Brigadier, who quietly
nodding assent, I took the whole hundred bales.
"' Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh."'
"Why, them'ere is assorted, being of all sizes,
forms and colors. They came coastwise, and are
chiefly for domestic consumption; though I have
known'em sent to Leaplow, with success."
"The consumers of this article among us," observed the Brigadier, "are very select, and rarely
take any but of the very best quality. But then
hey are usually so well stocked, that I question if a




THE MONIKINS.            361
new importation would pay freight. Indeed, ouI
consumers cling very generally to the old fashions
in this article, not even admitting the changes produced by time. There was an old manufacturer
called Whiterock, who has a sort of Barlow-knife
reputation among us, and it is not easy to get another article to compete with his. Unless they are
very antiquated, I would have nothing to do with
them."
" Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities of that'ere manufacture; and the
more hantiquated the harticle, the better it sells;
but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run
at'ome."
"I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or
thin. Hunt me up a bale of his notions; let them
be as old as the flood. What have we here?-'Opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.'"
"Take them," said the Brigadier, promptly.
"This'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state
of his own market," added the broker, giggling.
"Wast lots of these things go across yearly1-and I
don't find that any on'em ever comes back."
"'Opinions on the State of.Manners and Society in
Leaplow."'
" I believe I'11 take an interest in that article myself, Sir John, if you can give me a ton or two
between decks. Have you many of this manufacture?"
"Lots on'em, sir-and they do sell so!-That'ere are a good harticle both at'ome and abroad.
My eye! how they does go off in Leaplow!"
"This appears to be also your expectation, Brigadier, by your readiness to take an interest?"
"To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our
beloved country."
"Permit me to remark that I find your readiness
31




362             THE MONIKINS.
to purchase this and the last article, a little singular
If I have rightly comprehended our previous conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved not only on the ancient principles of polity,
but on the social condition, generally."
"We will talk of this during the passage homeward, Sir John Goldencalf; but, by your leave, I
will take a share in the investment in'Opinions on
the State of Society and Manners in Leaplow,' especially if they treat at large on the deformities of
the government, while they allow us to be genteel.
This is the true notch-some of these goods have
been condemned because the manufacturers hadn't
sufficient skill in dyeing."
"You shall have a share, Brigadier. Harkee,
Mr. Broker; I take it these said opinions come from
some very well known and approved manufactory?"
"All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for
nothing-everything sells, however. I never was
in Leaplow, but we says over here, that the Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions.
Lord, sir, it would really do your heart good to see
the stuff, in these harticles, that they does take from
us without higgling!"
"I presume, Brigadier, that you use them as an
amusement-as a means to pass a pleasant hour,
of an evening-a sort of moral segar?"
"' No, sir," put in the broker, " they does n't smoke'em, my word on't, or they wouldn't buy'em in
such lots!"
I now thought enough had been laid in on my
own account, and I turned to see what the Captain
was about. He was higgling for a bale marked
Opinions on the lost condition of the monikin soul."
A little curious to know why he had made this seection, I led him aside, and frankly put the question.
"Why, to own the truth, Sir John," he said,




THE MONIKINS.            363
"religion is an article that sells in every market, in
some shape or other. Now, we are all in the dark
about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always
suspect a native of the country to which I am bound,
on such a p'int; and if the things shouldn't sell
there, they'll at least do at Stunin'tun. Miss Poke
alone would use up what there is in that there bale,
in a twelvemonth. To give the woman her due,
she's a desperate consumer of snuff and religion."
We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves,
and the cook, who had come ashore to dispose of
his slush, had not yet been able to get anything.
" Here is a small bale as come from Leaplow,
and a pinched little thing it is," said the broker,
laughing; " it do n't take at all, here, and it might
do to go'ome again —at any rate you will get the
drawback. It is filled with' Distinctive Opinions
of the Republic of Leaplow."' The cook looked at
the Brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation doubtful. Still it was Hobson's choice; and,
after a good deal of grumbling, the doctor, as Noah
always called his cook, consented to take the "harticle," at half the prime cost.
Judge People's Friend now came trotting down
to the port, thoroughly en republicain, when we
immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob
was kicked to Noah's heart's content, and the
Walrus was fairly under way for Leaplow.




364             THE MONIKINS.
CHAPTER XXII.
Political boundaries-Political rights-Political selections,
and political disquisitions; with political results.
THE aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have
been already mentioned; but I believe I onmitted
to say, that there was a line of demarcation drawn
in the water, by means of a similar invention, to
point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state.
Thus, all within these water-marks, was under the
laws of Leaphigh; all between them and those of
some other country, was the high seas; and all
within those of the other country, Leaplow for
instance, was under the exclusive jurisdiction of
that other country.
With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run
to the water-marks in about half a day; from
thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two
days' sail, and another half day was necessary to
reach our haven. As we drew near the legal
frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing
schooners were seen hovering just without the
jurisdiction of the King, quite evidently waiting our
approach. One boarded us, just as the outer end
of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh
sovereignty. Judge People's Friend rushed to the
side of the ship, and before the crew of the boat
could get on deck, he had ascertained that the
usual number of prizes had been put into the little
wheel.
A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared to have been subjected
to the second amputation, being what is called in
Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and




TgHE  ONIKINS.          ad5.
inquired if there were any emigrants on board.
He was made acquainted with our characters and;
objects. When he understood that our stay would
most likely be short, he was evidently a little disappointed.
"Perhaps, gentlemen," he added,"4 you may
still remain longz enough to make naturalization
desirable?"
" It is always agreeable to be at home in-foreign
countries-but are there no legal objections?"
"I see none, sir7-you have no tails, I believe?"
"None but what are in our trunks. I: did- not
know, however, but the circumstance of our being
of a different species might throw some obstacles
in the way."
"None in the world, sir. We act on principles
much too liberal for so narrow an objection. You
are but little acquainted with the institutions and
policy of our beloved and most happy country, I
see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor
Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor
Leapunder; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and
independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous
beyond example,Leaplow. Species is of no account
under our system. We would as soon naturalize
one animal as another, provided it be a republican
animal. I see no deficiency about any of you. All
we ask is certain general principles. You go on:
two legs -.-"
"So do turkeys, sir."
"Very true —but you have no feathers."
"Neither has a donkey."
"All very right, gentlemen-you do not bray
however."
"I will not answer for that," put in the captain
sending his leg forward in a straight line, in a way
31 




366            THE MONIKINS.
to raise an outcry in Bob, that almost upset the
Leaplower's proposition.
"At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there
is a test that will put the matter at rest, at once."
He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the
word {"our"-" Our liberties"-" our country""our firesides" —" our altars." Whoever expressed
a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word
in the proper manner, and in the proper place, was
entitled to be a citizen. We all did very well but
the second mate, who, being a Herefordshire man,
could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the
Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than "our halters."
Now, it would seem, that, in carrying out a great
philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters had
been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did any
thing amiss, it had been discovered that, instead
of punishing him for the offence, the true way to
remedy the evil was to punish the society against
which he had offended. By this ingenious turn,
society was naturally made to look out sharp how
it permitted any one to offend it. This excellent
idea is like that of certain Dutchmen, who, when
they cut themselves with an axe, always apply salve
and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to
heal as fast as possible.
To return to our examination: we all passed but
the second mate, who hung in his halter, and was
pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificates of
naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees
were paid, and the schooner left us.
That night it blew a gale, and we had no more
visiters until the following morning. As the sun
rose, however, we fell in with three schooners,
under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound
on errands of life or death. The first that reached
us sent a boat on board, and a committee of six




THE MONIKINS.           367
" bob-upon-bobs" hurried up our side, and lost no
time in introducing themselves. I shall give their
own account of their business and characters.
It would seem that they were what is called a
"nominating committee" of the Horizontals, for
the city of Bivouac, the port to which we were
bound, where an election was about to take place
for members of the great National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven members; and
having nominated themselves, the committee were
now in quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. in order to secure the naturalized interests,
it had been determined to select as new a comer
as possible. This would also be maintaining the
principle of liberality, in the abstract. For this
reason they had been cruising for a week, as near
as the law would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries, and they were now ready to take any one
who would serve.
To this proposition I again objected'the difference of species. Here they all fairly laughed in
my face, Brigadier Downright included, giving me
verydistinctly to understand that they thought I had
very contracted notions on matters and things, to
suppose so trifling an obstacle could disturb the
harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They
went for a principle, and the devil himself could
not make them swerve from the pursuit of so
sacred an object.
I then candidly admitted that nature had not
fitted me, as admirably as it had fitted my friend
the Judge, for the throwing of summersets; and I
feared that when the order was given "to go to the
right about," I might be found no better than a
bungler. This staggered them a little; and I perceived that they looked at each other, in doubt.




368            THE MON'IKINS.
"But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at
need?" one of them asked, after a pause.
" Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evi
dence that I was no idle boaster, making a com
plete gyration on my heels, in very good time.
J" Very well!-admirably well!" they all cried
in a breath. "; The great political essential is to be
able to perform the evolutions in their essence,the facility with which they are performed being
no more than a personal merit."
"But, gentlemen, "I know little more of your
constitution and laws, than I have learned in a
few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers."
"This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that of Leaphigh, is written down,
and he who runs can read; and then we have a
political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of unnecessary study and reflection to
the members. All you will have to do, will be to
watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will
go- as well through the manual exercise as the
oldest member there."
" How, sir, do all the members take the manceuvres from this fugleman?"
"All the Horizontals, sir-the Perpendiculars
having a fugleman of their own."
"Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair
in which I am no judge, and I put myself entirely
in the hands of my friends."
This answer met with much commendation, ana
manifested, as they all protested, great political
capabilities; the statesman who submitted all to
his friends never failing to rise to eminence in
Leaplow. The committee took my name in writing, and hastened back to their schooner, in order
to get into port to promulgate the nomination.
These persons were hardly off the deck, before




THE MONIKINS.           369
anotner party came up the opposite side of the
ship. They announced themselves to be a nominating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly
the same errand as their opponents. They, too,
wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and were
in search of a proper candidate. Captain Poke
had been an attentive listener to all that occurred
during the circumstances that preceded my nomination; and he now stepped promptly forward,
and declared his readiness to serve. As there was
quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the
other, and the Perpendicular committee, as it
owned itself, was greatly pressed for time, the
Horizontals having the start of them, the affair
was arranged in five minutes, and the strangers
departed with the name of NOAH POKE, THE
TRIED  PATRIOT, THE  PROFOUND  JURIST, AND THE HONEST MONIKIN, handsomely placarded on a large board-all but the
name having been carefully prepared in advance.
When the committee was fairly out of the ship,
Noah took me aside, and made his apologies for
opposing me in this important election. His rea.
sons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual,
a little discursive. They might be summed up as
follows: He never had sat in a parliament, and he
was curious to know how it would feel; it would
increase the respect of the ship's company, to find
their commander of so much account in a strange
port; he had had some experience at Stunin'tun
by reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt
of his abilities at all. a circumstance that rarely
failed of making a good legislator; the Congressman in his part of the country was some such man
as himself, and what was good for the goose was
good for the gander; he knew Miss Poke would
be pleased to hear he had been chosen; he weon




370            THE MONIKINS.
dered if he should be called the Honorable Noah
Poke, and whether he should receive eight dollars
a day, and mileage from the spot where the ship
then was; the Perpendiculars might count on him,
for his word was as good as his bond; as for the
constitution, he had got on under the constiti;,'on
at home, and he believed a man who could a.J
that might get on under any constitution; he didn't
intend to say a great deal in parliament, butv - at
he did say he hoped might be recorded for the. use
of his children; together with a great deal K'ore
of the same sort of argumentation and apology.
The third schooner now brought us to. This
vessel sent another committee, who announced
themselves to be the representatives of a party
that was termed the Tangents. They were not
numerous, but sufficiently so to hold the balance
whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars
crossed each other directly at right angles, as was
the case at present; and they had now determined
to run a single candidate of their own. They, too,
wished to fortify themselves by the foreign interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest
of a proper person. I suggested the first mate; but
against this Noah protested, declaring that come
what would, the ship must on no account be deserted. Time pressed; and, while the Captain and
the subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety
of permitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had
already tasted the sweets of political importance,
in his assumed character of Prince-Royal, stepped
slyly up to the committee, and gave in his name.
Noah was too much occupied to discover this
well-managed movement; and by, the time he had
sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not
instantly relinquish all ambitious projects of this
nature, he found that the Tangents were off. Sup.




THE MONIKINS.           371
posing they had gone to some other vessel, the
Captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all
went on smoothly again.
From this time until we anchored in the bay
of Bivouac, the tranquillity and discipline of the
Walrus were undisturbed. I improved the occaion to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which
the Judge had a copy, and to glean such information from my companions, as I believed might be
useful in my future career. I thought how pleasant it would be for a foreigner to teach the Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to them the
application of their own principles! Little, however, was to be got from the Judge, who was just
then too much occupied with some calculations
concerning the chances of the little wheel, with
which he had been furnished by a leading man of
one of the nominating committees.
I now questioned the Brigadier touching that
peculiar usage of his country which rendered
Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow institutions, society and manners, of so much value in
the market of the latter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was to say, that his
countrymen having cleared the interests connected
with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set
everything at work, on the philosophical basis of
reason and common sense, were exceedingly desirous of knowing what other people thought of the
success of the experiment.
"I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure
you, Brigadier; one in which even the very children
are profoundly instructed in the great truths of
your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not
without dread of bringing my theoretical ignorance
in collision with their great practical knowledge
of the principles of your government."




372             THE MONIKINS.
" They are early fed on political pap."
"No- doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must
they be from- the females of other countries!
Deeply imbued with the great distinctive principles of your system, devoted to the education of
their children in the same sublime truths, and indefatigable in their discrimination, among the meanest
of their households!"
"Hum!"
"Now, sir, even in England, a country which
I trust is not the most debased on earth, you will
find women, beautiful, intellectual, accomplished
and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these
fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the
whole of whose eloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfelt wishes for the
downfall of their opponents."
" It is very much so at Stunin'tun,too, if truth must
be spoken," remarked Noah, who had been a listener
" Who, instead of instructing the young suckers
that cling to their sides in just notions of general,
social distinctions, nurture their young antipathies
with pettish philippics against sofie luckless chief
of the adverse party."
"'Tis pretty much the same at Stunin'tun, as I
live!"
" Who rarely study the great lessons of history
in order to point out to the future statesmen and
heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, the
incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their
liberties; but who are indefatigable in echoing
the cry of the hour, however false or vulgar, and
who humanize their attentive offspring by softly
expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other
frustrator of the designs of their friends, were
fairly hanged!"'
"Stunin'tun, all over!"




THE MONIKINS.            373
"Beings that are angels in form-soft, gentle,
refined, and tearful as the evening with its dews,
when there is a question of humanity or suffering;
but who seem  strangely transformed into shetigers, whenever any but those of whom they can
approve attain to power; and who, instead of entwining their soft arms around their husbands and
brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of
opinions, cheer them on by their encouragement,
and throw dirt with the volubility and wit of fishwomen."
"Miss Poke, to the back-bone!"
"In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of things at Leaplow. There, when
a political adversary is bespattered with mud,
your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger
by the mild soothings of philosophy, tempering
zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt and
unanswerable quotations from that great charter
which is based on' the eternal and immutable principles of right."
" Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the house," cried the delighted
Noah, "'I shall be shy of answering! I doubt, now,
if the Brigadier himself could repeat all you have
just said."
"I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a
little about your Leaplow constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to those members of society who, possess a' social stake.''
"Certainly, Sir' John.  They who live and
breathe."
", Surely none vote but those who possess the
money, and houses, and lands of the country?"
"Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who
possess ears, and eyes, and noses, and bobs, and
lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings, and
32




374             THE MONIKINS.
wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer
test of political fidelity, than possessions."
"This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in
direct hostility to the social-stake system."
"You were never more right, Sir John, as
respects your own theory, or never more wrong
as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contendand contend justly —that there is no broader or
bolder fallacy than to say that a representation of
mere effects, whether in houses, lands, merchandise, or money, is a security for a gocd government. Property is affected by measures; and the
more a monikin has, the greater is the bribe to
induce him to consult his own interests, although
it should be at the expense of those of everybody
else."
" But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the aggregate of these interests."
" Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed
of it, but the aggregate of the interests of a class.
If your government is instituted for their benefit
only, your social-stake system is all well enough;
but if the object be the general good, you have no
choice but to trust its custody to the general keeping. Let us suppose two men-since you happen
to be a man, and not a monikin-let us suppose
two men perfectly equal in morals, intelligence,
public virtue and patriotism, one of whom shall be
rich and the other shall have nothing. A crisis
arrives in the affairs of their common country,
and both are called upon to exercise their franchise, on a question —as almost all great questions
must-that unavoidably will have some influence
on property generally. Which would give the
most impartial vote-he who, of necessity, must
be swayed by his personal interest, or he who has
no inducement of the sort to go'astray?"




THE MON'IKINS.          375
"Certainly he who has nothing to influence
him to go wrong.-But the question is not fairly
put   "
i" Your pardon, Sir John,-it is put fairly as an
abstract question, and one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that a man
would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows
his identity with a monikin. We hold that all
of us are apt to think most of ourselves on such
occasions."
"My dear Brigadier, do not mistake sophistry
for reason. Surely, if power belonged only to the
poor,-and the poor, or the comparatively poor,
always compose the mass, —they would exercise
it in a way to strip the rich of their possessions."
" We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist,
in which such a state of things would occur under
a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and are
not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who
was drunk yesterday, may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is uniformly temperate preserves his proper tone of body without
recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a strong provocation, might possibly be made; but it could scarcely be made twice
among any people, and not even once among a
people that submits in season to a just division of
its au.thority, since it is obviously destructive of a
leading principle of civilization. According to our
monikin histories, all the attacks upon property
have been produced by property's grasping at
more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If you
make political power a concomitant of property,
both may go together, certainly; but if kept sepa.
rate, the danger to the latter will never exceed the
danger in which it is put daily by the arts of the




376            THE MONIXINS.
money-getters, who are, in truth, the greatest foes
of property, as it belongs to others."
I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not
but admit that the Brigadier had, at least, some
truth on his side.
"But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind, ennobles, and purifies?"
" Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may
be the fact among men, but we hold among monikins, that'the love of money is the root of all
evil."'
"How, sir! do you account the education which
is a consequence of property, as nothing?"
" If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which pro
perty is most apt to teach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has money, as a
rule, will also have information to guide him aright,
I must answer, that experience, which is worth a
thousand theories, tells us differently. We find that
on questions which are purely between those who
have and those who have not, the haves, are.commonly united, and we think this would be the fact it
they were as unschooled as bears; but on all other
questions, they certainly do great discredit to edu.
cation, unless you admit that there are, in every
case, two rights; for, with us, the most highly educated generally take the two extremes of every
argument. I state this to be the fact with monii
kins, you will remember-doubtless, educated men
agree much better."
"But, my good. Brigadier, if your position about
the greater impartiality and independence of the
elector who is not influenced by his private interests, be true, a country would do well to submit
ts elections to a body of foreign umpires."
"It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain
these foreign umpires would not abuse the power




THE MONIKINS.            377
to their own particular advantage, if they could
have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble
and purify a nation far more than money, and if
it were possible they could thoroughly understand
the character, habits, wants, and resources of another people. As things are, therefore, we believe
it is wisest to trust our own elections to ourselves
-not to a portion of ourselves-but to all of ourselves."
"_Immigrunts included," put in the Captain.
"Why, we do carry the principle well out in the
case of gentlemen like yourselves," returned the
Brigadier, politely; " but liberality is a virtue. As
a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the
choice of our representatives to strangers, has more
merit than you probably imagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons already given.
When we seek justice, we commonly look out for
some impartialjudge. Such a judge is unattainable,
however, in the matter of the interests of a state,
for the simple reason that power of this sort, permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle which, after a most scrupulous analysis, we
have been compelled to admit is incorporated with
the very monikin nature —viz. selfishness. I make
no manner of doubt that you men, however, are
altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?"
Here I could only borrow the use of the Briga
dier's " Hum!"
"Having ascertained that it would not do to
submit the control of our affairs to utter strangers,
or to those whose interests are not identified with
our own, we set about seeing what could be done
with a selection from among ourselves. Here we
were again met by that same obstinate principle
of selfishness; and we were finally driven to take
32 *




378            THE MONIKINS.
shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests
of all, to the management of all."
"And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?"
"Verv far fromr it. The difference between
Leaphigh and Leaplow is just this: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand
vested interests, are induced, as time improves the
mind, to seek reasons for their facts; while we
Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such restraints, have been able to make an effort to form
our facts on our reasons."
"Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh
opinions on Leaplow facts?"
" Why does every little monikin believe his own
father and mother to be just the two wisest, best,
most virtuous, and discreetest old monikins in
the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience show him his error?"
"Do you make no exceptions, then, in your
franchise, but admit every citizen who, as you say,
has a nose, ears, bob and wants, to the exercise of
the suffrage?"
" Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head
than we ought to be, since we do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the privilege.
Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence
may be usefill, but they are badly chosen when
they are brought to the test of purely material possessions. This practice has arisen in the world
from the fact that they who had property had
power, and not because they ought to have it."
" M dear Brigadier, this is flying in the face
of all experience."
"For the reason just given, and because all
experience has hitherto commenced at the wrong
end. Society should be constructed as you erect




THE MONIKINS.             379
a house; not from the roof down, but from the
foundation upward."'Admitting, however, that your house has been
badiy constructed at first, —in repairing it, would
you tear away the walls at random, at the risk
of bringing all down about your ears?"
"I would first see that sufficient props were
reared, and then proceed with vigor, though always
with caution. Courage in such an experiment is
less to be dreaded, than timidity. Half the evils
of life, social, personal and political, are as much
the effects of moral cowardice as of fraud."
I then told the Brigadier, that as his countrymen
rejected the inducements of property in the selection of the political base of their social compact, I
expected to find a capital substitute in virtue.
" I have always heard that virtue is the great
essential of a free people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this important particular?"
The Brigadier smiled, before he answered me,
first looking about, to the right and left, as if to
regale himself with the odor of perfection.
" Many theories have been broached on these
subjects," he replied, "in which there has been
some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue
is no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with intelligence, than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be consequences, but it is not easy
to say how either is necessarily a cause. There
is a homely saying among us monikins, which is
quite to the point in this matter:' Set a rogue to
catch a rogue.' Now, the essence of a free government is to be found in the responsibility of its
agents. He who governs without responsibility is
a master, while he who discharges the duties of a
functionary under a practical responsibility is a ser




3SX~           TTHE MONIKINS.
vnt. This is the only true test of governments,
let them be mistified as they nmay in other respects.
Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the criterion of freedom. Now responsibility is the substitute for virtue in a politician, as discipline is the
substitute for courage, in a soldier. An army of
brave monikins without discipline, would, be very
apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of less
natural spirit, with discipline. So a corps of originally virtuous politicians, without responsibility,
woul'd be very apt to do more selfish, lawless, and
profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who
were kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility.
Unrestrained power. is. a great corrupter of virtue,
of itself; while the liabilities of a restrained authority are very apt to keep it in check. At least,
such is the fact with us monikins-men very possibly get along better."
"Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now
uttering opinions that are diametrically opposed
to those of the world, which considers virtue an
indispensable ingredient in a republic."
"The world- meaning always the monikin
world-knows. very little about real political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, in
effect, the only people who have had much to do
with it, and.I am now telling you what is the result
of my own observation, in my own country. If
monilins were purely virtuous, there would be no
necessity for government at all; but, being what
they are, we think it wisest to set them to watch
each other."
"But yours is self-government, which implies
self-restraint; and self-restraint is but another
word for virtue."
"If the merit of our system depended on self
government, in your signification, or on self-re




THE MONIKINS.            381
straint, in any signification, it would not be worth
the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf.
This is one of those balmy fallacies with which ill
judging moralists endeavor to stimulate monikins
to good deeds. Our government is based on a
directly opposite principle; that of watching and
restraining each other, instead of trusting to our
ability to restrain ourselves. It is the want of
responsibility, and not its constant and active
presence, which infers virtue and self-control. No
one would willingly lay legal restraints on himself,
in any thing, while all are very happy to restrain
their neighbors. This refers to the positive and
necessary rules of intercourse, and the establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very
little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals
usually come of instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is a security that all desire."
"But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their
trust to their own especial advantage, and a political chaos would be the consequence."
"' Such a result is impossible, except as especial
advantage is identified with general advantage. A
community can no more buy itself in this manner,
than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as ravenous as he will. Admitting that all are rogues,
necessity would compel a compromise."
"You make out a plausible theory, and I have
little doubt that I shall find you the wisest, the
most logical, the discreetest, and the most consistent community I have yet visited. But another
word: —How is it that our friend the Judge gave
such very equivocal instructions to his charge;
and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress
on the employment of means, which give the lie
flatly to all you have here told me?"
Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin,




382             THE MONIKINS.
and observed that he thought there might possibly
be a shift of wind; and he also wondered quite
audibly, when we should make the land. I afterwards persuaded him to allow that a monikin was
but a monikin, after all, whether he had the advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot.
CHAPTER XXIV.
An arrival-An election-Architecture-A rolling-pin, and
Patriotism of the most approved water.
IN due time the coast of Leaplow made its
appearance, close under our larboard bow. So
sudden was our arrival in this novel and extraordinary country, that we were very near running
on it, before we got a glimpse of its shores. The
seamanship of Captain Poke, however, stood us in
hand; and, by the aid of a very clever pilot, we
were soon safely moored in the harbor of Bivouac.
In this happy land, there was no registration, no
passports, " no nothin' "-as Mr. Poke pointedly
expressed it. The formalities were soon observed,
although I had occasion to remark, how much
easier, after all, it is to get along in this world
with vice than with virtue. A bribe offered to a
custom-house officer was refused; and the only
trouble I had, on the occasion, arose from this
awkward obtrusion of a conscience. However,
the difficulty was overcome, though not quite a,
soon or as easily as if douceurs had happened to
be in fashion; and we were permitted to land with
all our necessary effects.




THE MONilINS.                383
The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect
as I first put foot within its hallowed. streets.
The houses were all covered with large placards,
which, at first, I took to be lists of the wares to be
vended, for the place is notoriously commercial;
but which, on examination, I soon discovered were
merely electioneering handbills. The reader will
figure to himself my pleasure and surprise, on read
ing the first that offered.  It ran as follows:HORIZONTAL NOMINATION.
Horizontal-Systematic-Endoctrinated-Republicans, Attention!
Your sacred rights are in danger; your dearest liberties are
menaced; your wives and children are on the point of dissolution; the infamous and unconstitutional position that the
sun gives light by day, and the moon by night, is openly and
impudently propagated, and now is the only occasion that
will probably ever offer to arrest an error so pregnant with
deception and domestic evils. We present to your notice a
suitable defender of all these near and dear interests, in the
person of
JOHN GOLDENCALF,
The known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound philosopher, the incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellowcitizens we need not recommend Mr. Goldencalf, for he is
truly one of themselves; to the native citizens we will only
say, " Try him, and you will be more than satisfied."
I found this placard of great use, for it gave me
the first information I had yet had of the duty I
was expected to perform in the coming session of
the Great Council; which was merely to demonstrate that the moon gave light by day, and that
the sun gave light by night.  Of course, I immediately set about, in my own mind, hunting up
the proper arguments by which this grave political




384                THE MONIKINS.
nypothesis was to be properly maintained. The
next placard was in favor ofNOAH POKE,
The experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship cstate into the haven of prosperity —the practical astronomer,
who knows by frequent observations, that Lunars are not
to be got in the dark.
Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their
backs!
After this, I fell in withTHE HONORABLE ROBERT SMUT
Is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by
the nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-SublimatedPolitico-Tangents, as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar,* an
enlightened politician, and a sound democrat.
But I should fill the manuscript with nothing
else, were I to record a tithe of the commendations
and abuse that were heaped on us all, by a community to whom, as yet, we were absolutely stran
gers.  A single sample of the latter shall suffice.
AFFIDAVIT.
Personally appeared before me, John Equity, Justice of the
Peace, Peter Veracious, &c. &c., who, being duly sworn
upon the Holy Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz. That he
was intimately acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his
native country, and that he is personally knowing to the fact
that he, the said John Goldencalf, has three wives, seven
illegitimate children, is moreover a bankrupt without charac.
ler, and that he was obliged to emigrate in consequence of
having stolen a sheep.
Sworn, &c.
(Signed,)    PETER VERACIOUS.
* I afterwards found this was a common phrase in Leaplow,
being uniformly applied to every monikin who wore spectacles




THE MONIKINS.            385
I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent
statement, and was about to call upon the first
passer-by for the address of Mr. Veracious, when
the skirts of my skin were seized by one of the
Horizontal nominating committee, and I was covered with congratulations on my being happily
elected. Success is an admirable plaster for all
wounds, and I really forgot to have the affair of
the sheep and of the illegitimate children inquired
into; although I still protest, that had fortune been
ess propitious, the rascal who promulgated this
calumny would have been made to smart for his
temerity. In less than five minutes it was the turn
of Captain Poke. He, too, was congratulated in
due form; for, as it appeared, the "immigrunt
interest," as Noah termed it, had actually carried
a candidate on each of the two great opposing
tickets. Thus far, all was well; for, after sharing
his mess so long, I had not the smallest objection
to sit in the Leaplow parliament with the worthy
sealer; but our mutual surprise and, I believe I
might add, indignation, were a good deal excited,
by shortly encountering a walking notice, which
contained a programme of the proceedings to be
observed at the " Reception of the Honorable Ro
bert Smut."
It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars had made so many spurious and mistified ballots, in order to propitiate the Tangents,
and to cheat each other, that this young blackguard
actually stood at the head of the poll!-a political
phenomenon, as I subsequently discovered, however, by no means of rare occurrence in the Leaplow history of the periodical selection of the wisest
and best.
There was certainly an accumulation of interest
on arriving in a strange land, to find oneself both
3.




386             THE MONIKINS.
extolled and vituperated on most of the corners i
its capital, and to be elected to its parliament, all in
tne same day. Still, I did not permit myself to be
either so much elated or so much depressed, as
not to have all my eyes about me, in order to
get as correctly as possible, and as quickly as possible, some insight into the characters, tastes, habits,
wishes and wants of my constituents.
I have already declared that it is my intention
to dwell chiefly on the moral excellencies and
peculiarities of the people of the monikin world.
Still I could not walk through the streets of Bivouac without observing a few physical usages,
that I shall mention, because they have an evident
connexion with the state of society, and the historical recollections of this interesting portion of the
polar region.
In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of
quadrupeds are just as much at home in the promenades of the town, as the inhabitants themselves,
a fact that I make no doubt has some very proper
connexion with that principle of equal rights, on
which the institutions of the country are established.
In the second place, I could not but see that their
dwellings are constructed on the very minimum
of base, propping each other, as emblematic of the
mutual support obtained by the republican system,
and seeking their development in height, for the
want of breadth; a singularity of customs that I
did not hesitate at once to refer to a usage of
living in trees, at an epocha not very remote. In
the third place, I noted, instead of entering their
dwellings near the ground, like men, and indeed
like most other unfledged animals, that they ascend
by means of external steps, to an aperture about
half-way between the roof and the earth, where,
having obtained admission, they go up or down,




THE xONIKINS.            387
within the ouilding, as; occasion. requires. This
usage, I made no question, was preserved from
the period, and that, too, no distant one, when the
savage condition of the country induced them to
seek protection against the ravages of wild beasts,
by having recourse to ladders, which were drawn
up after the family, into the top of the tree, as the
soan sunk beneath the horizon. These steps or ladders are generally made of some white material,
in order that they may, even now, be found in the
dark, should the danger be urgent; although I do
not know that Bivouac is a more disorderly or
unsafe town than another, in the present day. But
habits linger in the usages of a people, and are
often found to exist as fashions, long after the motive
of their origin has ceased and been forgotten. As
a proof of this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac
have still enormous iron chevaux-de-frise before
the doors, and near the base of the stone-ladders;
a practice unquestionably taken from the original,
unsophisticated, domestic defences of this wary
and enterprising race. Among a great many of
these chetauza-de-frise, I remarked certain iron
images, that resemble the kings of chess-men,
and which I took, at first, to be symbols of the cal.
culating qualities of the owners of the mansions, a
species of republican heraldry; but which the Brigadier told me, on inquiry, were no more than a
fashion that-had descended from the custom of
having stuffed images before the doors, in: the
early days of the settlement, to frighten away the
beasts at night, precisely as*we station scarecrows in a corn-field. Two of these well-padded
sentinels, with a stick stuck up in a firelock-atti.
tude, he assured me, had often been known to main.
tain a siege of a week, against a she-bear and a
numerous family of hungry cubs, in the oldeo




388             THE MONIKINS.
times; and, now that the danger was gone, he
presumed the families which had caused these
iron monuments to be erected, had done so to record some marvellous risks of this nature, from
which their forefathers had escaped by means of
so ingenious an expedient.
Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the
sublime principle of the institutions. The houses
of the private citizens, for instance, overtop the
roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the
public is merely a servant of the citizen. Even
the churches have this peculiarity, proving that
the road to heaven is not independent of the popular will. The great Hall of Justice, an edifice of
which the Bivouackers are exceedingly proud, is
constructed in the same recumbent style, the architect, with a view to protect himself from the
imputation of believing that the firmament was
within reach of his hand, having taken the precaution to run up a wooden finger-board from the
centre of the building, which points to the place
where, according to the notions of all other people,
the ridge of the roof itself should have been raised.
So very apparent was this peculiarity, Noah observed that it seemed to him as if the whole
"'arth" had been rolled down by a great political
rolling-pin, by way of giving the country its finishing touch.
While making these remarks, one drew near at
a brisk trot, who, Mr. Downright observed, eagerly
desired our acquaintance. Surprised at his pretending to know stch a fact without any previous
communication, I took the liberty of asking why
he thought that we were the particular objects of
the other's haste.
" Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This
person is one of a sufficiently numerous class




THE MONIKINS.            389
among us, who, devoured by a small ambition,
seek notoriety-which, by the way, they are
near obtaining in more respects than they probably desire-by. obtruding themselves on every
stranger who touches our shore. Theirs is not a
generous and frank hospitality tnat would fain
serve others, but an irritable vanity that would
glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened
monikin is easily to be distinguished from all of
this clique. He is neither ashamed of, nor bigoted
in favor of any usages, simply because they are
domestic. With him the criterions of merit are
propriety, taste, expediency and fitness. He distinguishes, while these crave; he neither wholly
rejects, nor wholly lives by, imitation, but judges
for himself, and uses his experience as a respectable and useful guide; while these think that all
they can attain that is beyond the reach of their
neighbors, is, as a matter of course, the sole aim
of life. Strangers they seek, because they have
long since decreed that this country, with its
usages, its people, and all it contains, being founded on popular rights, is all that is debased and vulgar, themselves and a few of their own particular
friends excepted; and they are never so happy as
when they are gloating on, and basking in, the
secondary refinements of what we call the' Old
Region.' Their own attainments, however, being
pretty much God-sends, or such as we all pick up
in our daily intercourse, they know nothing of any
foreign country but Leaphigh, whose language we
happen to speak; and, as Leaphigh is also the very
beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages, opinions and
laws, they deem all who come from that part of
the earth, as rather more entitled to their profound
homage than any other strangers."
Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigor33 *




390            THmE MOIKIN5.
ously pumping the nominating committee on the
subject of the chances of the little wheel, suddenly
left us, with a sneaking, self.abased air, and with
his nose to the ground, like a dog who has just
caught a fresh scent.
The next time we met the ex-envoy, he was in
mourning for some political backsliding that I
never comprehended. He had submitted to a
fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thoroughly humbled the seat of reason, that it was not
possible for the most envious and malignant disposition to fancy he had a particle of brains left.
He had, moreover, caused every hair to be shaved
off his body, which was as naked as the hand,
and altogether he presented an edifying picture
of penitence and self-abasement. I afterwards
understood that this purification was considered
perfectly satisfactory, and that he was thought to
be, again, within the limits of the most Patriotic
Patriots.
In the mean time the Bivouacker had approach.
ed me, and was introduced as Mr. Gilded Wriggle.
"Count Poke de Stunin'tun, my good sir," said
the Brigadier, who was the master of ceremonies
on this occasion, "and the Mogul Goldencalfboth noblemen of ancient lineage, admirable privileges, and of the purest water; —gentlemen, who,
when they are at home, have six dinners daily,
always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are
none of them less than six leagues in extent."
1 "My friend General Downright has taken too
much pains, gentlemen," interrupted our new acquaintance, 1" your rank and extraction being self.
evident. Welcome to Leaplow! I beg you will
make free with my house, my dog, my cat, my
horse, and myself. I particularly beg that your
first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will




THE MONIKINS.            391
be to me. Well, Mogul, what do you really think
of us? You have now been on shore long enough
to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our
institutions and habits. I beg you will not judge
of all of us by what you see in the streets-"
"It is not my intention, sir."
"You are cautious, I perceive!-We are in an
awful condition, I confess; trampled on by the
vulgar, and far-very far from being the people
that, I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn't
be made the assistant alderman of my ward, if I
wished it, sir; too much jacobinism-the people
are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to rule
themselves, much less their betters, sir-here have
a set of us, some hundreds in this very town, been
telling them what fools they are, how unfit they
are to manage their own affairs, and how fast
they are going to the devil, any time these twenty
years, and still we have not yet persuaded them to
intrust one of us with authority! To say the truth,
we are in a most miserable condition; and if any.
thing could ruin this country, democracy would
have ruined it, just thirty-five years ago."
Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the wailings of Count Poke de Stunin'tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at the
speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against
one of the forty-three thousand seven hundred and
sixty inequalities of the pavement, (for everything
in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the streets and
highways,) and fallen forward on his nose. I have
already had occasion to allude to the sealer's readiness in using opprobrious epithets. This contretems happened in the principal street of Bivouac,
or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of
more than a league in extent; but, notwithstanding
its great length, Noah took it up at one end and




392             ""HE  ON'IKINS.
abused it all the way to the other, with a precision, fidelity, rapidity and point, that excited general admiration. - It was the dirtiest, worst paved,
meanest, vilest street he had ever seen, and if they
had it at Stunin'tun, instead of using it as a street
at all, they would fence it up at each end, and turn
it into a hog-lot."  Here Brigadier Downright
betrayed unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing us
aside, he vehemently demanded of the Captain, if
he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of manner,
the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationality,
taste and elegance! This street was never spoken
of except by the use of superlatives; a usage, by the
way, that Noah himself had by no means neglected.
It was commonly thought to be the longest and
the shortest, the widest and the narrowest, the
best built and the worst built avenue in the universe. " Whatever you say or do," he continued,
"whatever you think or believe, never deny the
superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever
saw a street so crowded, although there be room
to wheel a regiment, swear it is stifling; if required
to name another promenade so free from interruption, protest by your soul, that the place is a desert! Say what you will of the institutions of the
country —— "
" How!" I exclaimed; " of the sacred rights of
monikins!"
" Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins,
too, with just as much filth as you please. Indeed,
if you wish to circulate freely in genteel society, I
would advise you to get a pretty free use of the
words' jacobins,'' rabble,'' mob,'' agrarians,''canaille,' and'democrats;' for they recommend
many to notice who possess nothing else. In our
happy and independent country, it is a sure sign
of lofty sentiments, a finished education, a regu



THE MON1KINS.            393
lated intellect, and a genteel intercourse, to know
how to bespatter all that portion of your fellowcreatures, for instance, who live in one-story edi.
fices."
" I find all this very extraordinary, your govern.
ment being professedly a government of the mass!'
s" You have intuitively discovered the reasonis it not fashionable to abuse the government everywhere? Whatever you do, in genteel life, ought
to be based on liberal and elevated principles; and,
therefore, abuse all that is animate in Leaplow, the
present company, with their relatives and quadrupeds, excepted; but do not raise your blaspheming
tongues again,, anything that is inanimate! Respect, I entreat of you, the houses, the trees, the
rivers, the mountains, and, above all, in Bivouac,
respect the Wide-path! We are a people of lively
sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations of
even our stocks and stones. Even the Leaplow
philosophers are all of a mind on this subject."
"King!"
" Can you account for this very extraordinary
peculiarity, Brigadier?"
"' Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which
is property is sacred! We have a great respect
for property, sir, and do not like to hear our wares
underrated. But lay it on the mass so much the
harder, and you will only be thought to be in possession of a superior and a refined intelligence."
Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who
was dying to be noticed once more.
"Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh!"-he had
been questioning one of our attendants-" How
comes on that great and consistent people?"
"As usual, sir; —great and consistent."
"I think, however, we are quite their equals.
eh? —Chips of the same blocks?"




994             THE MONIKINS.
" No, sir,-blocks of the same chips."
Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased
with the compliment; and I wished I had even
taid it on a little thicker.
" Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers
about?  Still pulling to pieces that sublime fabric
of a constitution, which has so long been the wonder of the world, and my especial admiration?"
"They are talking of changes, sir, although I
believe they have effected no great matter. The
Primate of all Leaphigh, I had occasion to remark,
still has seven joints to his tail."
" Ah! they are a wonderful people, sir!" said
Wriggle, looking ruefully at his own bob, which,
as I afterwards understood, was a mere natural
abortion. "I detest change, sir; were I a Leaphigher, I would die in my tail!"
"' One for whom Nature has done so much in
this way, is to be excused a little enthusiasm."
"' A most miraculous people, sir —the wonder of
the world-and their institutions are the greatest
prodigy of the times!"
"That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the
Brigadier; "for they have been tinkering them,
and altering them, any'time these five hundred and
fifty years, and still they remain precisely the
same!"
"' Very true, Brigadier, very true —the marvel
of our times! But, gentlemen, what do you indeed
think of us? I shall not let you off with generalities. You have now been long enough on shore
to have formed some pretty distinct notions about
us, and I confess I should be glad to hear them.
Speak the truth with candor-are we not most
miserable, forlorn, disreputable devils, after all?"
I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social
condition of a people on so short an acquaintance;




THE MONIKINS            395
but to this Mr. Wriggle would not listen. He in.
sisted that I must have been particularly disgusted
with the coarseness and want of refinement in the
rabble, as he called the mass, who, by the way
had already struck me as being relatively much
the better part of the population, so far as I had
seen things!-more than commonly decent, quiet
and civil. Mr. Wriggle, also, very earnestly and
piteously begged I would not judge of the whole
country by such samples as I might happen to fall
in with in the highways.
"I trust, Mogul, you will have charity enough
to believe we are not all of us quite as bad as appearances, no doubt, make us in your polished
eyes. These rude beings are spoiled by our jacobinical laws; but we have a class, sir, that is different. But, if you will not touch on the people,
how do you like the town, sir? A poor place, no
doubt, after your own ancient capitals?"
"Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle."
"Do you then think we really want time!now, that house at the corner, there, to my taste
is fit for a gentleman in any country-eh?"
"No doubt, sir; fit for one."
"This is but a poor street in the eyes of you
travellers, I know, this Wide-path of ours; though
we think it rather sublime?"
"You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle —
though not equal to many of the —— "
" How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything
on earth! I know several people who have been
in the old world" —so the Leaplowers call the
"egion of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leapdown, &c. —
- and they swear there is not as fine a street in
any part of it. I have not had the good fortune
to travel, sir; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir,
that some of them, sir, that htave travelled, sir




396             THE MONIKINS.
~hink, sir, the Wide-path, sir, the most magnificent
public avenue, sir, that their experienced eyes
ever beheld, sir-yes, sir, that their very experienced eyes ever beheld, sir."
" I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle,
that you will pardon me if I have spoken hastily."
"Oh! no offence-I despise the monikin who is
not above local vanities and provincial admiration! You ought to have seen that, sir, for I
frankly admit, sir, that no rabble can be worse
than ours, and that we are all going to the devil,
as fast as ever we can. No, sir, a most miserable
rabble, sir.-But as for this street, and our houses,
and our cats, and our dogs, and certain exceptions-you understand me, sir-rit is quite a different thing. Pray, Mogul, who is the greatest personage, now, in your nation?"
" Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Wellington, sir."
" Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a better house than that before us?-I see you are delighted, eh! We are a poor, new nation of pitiful
traders, sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but
we do flatter ourselves that we know how to build
a house! Will you just step in and see a new
sofa that its owner bought only yesterday —I know
him intimately, and nothing gives him so much
pleasure as to show his new sofa."
I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue,
and by this means got rid of so troublesome an
acquaintance. On leaving me, however, he begged
that I would not fail to make his house my home,
swore terribly at the rabble, and invited me to
admire a very ordinary view that was to be
obtained by looking up the Wide-path in a particular direction, but which embraced his own abode.
When Mr. Wriggle was fairly out of ear-shot, I




THE MONIKINS.            397
demanded of the Brigadier if Bivouac, or Leap.
low, contained many such prodigies.
" Enough to make themselves very troublesome,
and us ridiculous," returned Mr. Downright.
"We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a
great surface, with a comparatively small population, and, as you are aware, separated from the
older parts of the monikin region by a belt of
ocean. In some respects we are like people in the
country, and we possess the merits and failings
of those who are so situated. Perhaps no nation
has a larger share of reflecting and essentially
respectable inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not
satisfied with being what circumstances so admirably fit them to be, there is a clique among us,
who, influenced by the greater authority of older
nations, pine to be that which neither nature, education, manners nor facilities will just yet allow
them to become. In short, sir, we have the besetting sin of a young community-imitation. In our
case the imitation is not always happy, either; it
being necessarily an imitation that is founded on
descriptions. If the evil were limited to mere
social absurdities, it might be laughed at-but
that inherent desire of distinction, which is the
most morbid and irritable, unhappily, in the minds
of those who are the least able to attain anything
more than a very vulgar notoriety, is just as active
here, as it is elsewhere; and some who have got
wealth, and and who can never get more than
what is purely dependent on wealth, affect to despise those who are not as fortunate as themselves
in this particular. In their longings for pre-eminence, they turn to other states-Leaphigh more
especially, which is the beau ideal of all nations
and people, who wish to set up a caste in opposition
to despotism-for rules of thought, and declaim
34




398             THE MONIKINS.
against that very mass which is at the bottom of
all their prosperity, by obstinately refusing to allow
of any essential innovation on the common rights.
In addition to these social pretenders, we have our
political Endoctrinated."
"Endoctrinated! Will yeu explain the meaning
of the term?"
"Sir, an Endoctrinated is one of a political
school who holds to the validity of certain theories
which have been made to justify a set of adventitious facts, as is eminently the case in our own
great model, Leaphigh. We are peculiarly placed
in this country. Here, as a rule, facts-meaning
political and social facts-are greatly in advance
of opinion, simply because the former are left
chiefly to their own free action, and the latter is
necessarily trammelled by habit and prejudice;
while in the'old-region' opinion, as a rule, and
meaning the leading or better opinion, is greatly
in advance of facts, because facts are restrained
by usage and personal interests, and opinion is:ncited by study, and the necessity of change."
"' Permit me to say, Brigadier, that I find your
present institutions a remarkable result to follow
such a state of things."
" They are a cause, rather than a consequence.
Opinion, as a whole, is everywhere on the advance;
and it is further advanced, even here, as a whole,
than anywhere else. Accident has favored the
foundation of the social compact; and once founded, the facts have been hastening to their consummation faster than the monikin mind has been able
to keep company with them. This is a remarkable but true state of the whole region. In other
monikin countries, you see opinion tugging at rooted practices, and making desperate efforts to eradicate themn from their bed of vested interests, while




THE MONIKI1N'S.             899
here you see facts dragging opinion after them like
a tail wriggling behind a kite.*  As to our purely
social imitation and social follies, absurd as they
are, they are necessarily confined to a small and an
immaterial class; but the Endoctrinated spirit is a
much more serious affair. That unsettles confideuce, innovates on the right, often innocently and
ignorantly, and causes the vessel of state to sail
like a ship with a drag towing in her wake."
"This is truly a novel condition for an enlightened monikin nation!"
"No doubt, men manage better; but of all this
you will learn more in the Great Council. You
may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts
should preserve their ascendency in opposition to
so powerful a foe as opinion; but you will remember that a great majority of our people, if not absolutely on a level with circumstances, being purely
practical, are much nearer to this level, than the
class termed the Endoctrinated. The last are troublesome and delusive, rather than overwhelming."
"To return to Mr. Wriggle —is his sect numerous?"
"His class flourishes most in the towns. In
Leaplow we are greatly in want of a capital, where
the cultivated, educated, and well-mannered can
assemble, and, placed by their habits and tastes
" One would think that Brigadier Downright had lately paid
a visit to our own happy and much enlightened land. Fifty
years since, the negro was a slave in New-York, and incapaole of -contracting marriage with a white. Facts have, however, been progressive; and, from one privilege to another,
he has at length obtained that of consulting his own tastes in
this matter, and, so far as he himself is concerned, of doing
as he pleases. This is the fact; but he who presumes to
speak of it, has his windows broken by opldon, for his pains!
Note by the Editor.




400             THE MONIKINS.
above the ordinary motives and feelings of the less
instructed, they might form a more healthful, independent, appropriate, and manly public sentiment
than that which now pervades the country. As
things are, the real elite of this community are so
scattered, as rather to receive an impression from,
than to impart one to society. The Leaplow Wriggles, as you have just witnessed, are selfish and
exacting as to their personal pretensions, irritably
confident as to the merit of any particular excellence which limits their own experience, and furiously proscribing to those whom they fancy less
fortunate than themselves."
"Good Heavens!-Brigadier-all this is excessively human 1"
"Ah! it is-is it? Well, this is certainly the way
with us monikins. Our Wriggles are ashamed of
exactly that portion of our population of which
thev have most reason to be proud, viz. the mass;
and they are proud of precisely that portion of
which they have most reason to be ashamed, viz.
themselves. But plenty of opportunities will offer
to look farther into this; and we will now hasten to
the inn."
As the Brigadier appeared to chafe under the
subject, I remained silent, following him as fast as
I could, but keeping my eyes open, the reader may
be very sure, as we went along. There was one
peculiarity I could not but remark in this singular
town. It was this:-all the houses were smeared
over with some coloured earth, and then, after all
this pains had been taken to cover the material, an
artist was employed to make white marks around
every separate particle of t'ne fabric, (and they
were in millions,) which ingenious particularity
gives the dwellings a most agreeable air of detail,
imparting to the architecture, in general, a sublimity




THE MONIKINS.             401
that is based on the multiplication table. If to
this be added the black of the chevaux-de-frise, the
white of the entrance-ladders, and a sort of standing-collar to the whole, immediately under the
eaves, of some very dazzling hue, the effect is not
unlike that of a platoon of drummers, in scarlet
coats, cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of white.
What renders the similitude more striking, is the
fact that no two of the same platoon appear to be
exactly of a size, as is very apt to be the case with
your votaries in military music.
CHAPTER XXV.
A fundamental principle, a fundamental law, and a fundamental error.
THE people of Leaplow are remarkable for the
deliberation of their acts, the moderation of their
views, and the accumulation of their wisdom. As
a matter of course, such a people is never in an
indecent haste. Although I had now been legally
naturalized, and regularly elected to the Great
Council fully twenty-four hours, three entire days
were allowed for the study of the institutions, and
to become acquainted with the genius of a nation
who, according to their own account of the matter, have no parallel in heaven or earth, or in the
waters under the earth, before I was called upon
to exercise my novel and important functions. I
profited by the delay, and shall seize a favorable
moment to make the reader acquainted with some
of my acquisitions on this interesting topic.
The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two
great moral categories, viz. the legal, and the sub.
stitutive. The former embraces the provisions of
34 *




402             THE MONIKTNS
the great elementary, and the latter all the provisions of the great alimentary principle. The first,
accordingly, is limited by the constitution, or the
Great National Allegory, while the last is limited
by nothing but practice; one contains the proposition, and the other its deductions; this is all hypothesis, that, all corollary. The two great political
land-marks, the two public opinions, the bob-uponbobs, the rotatory action, and the great and little
wheels, are merely inferential; and I shall, therefore, say nothing about them in my present treatise,
which has a strict relation only to the fundamental
law of the land, or to the Great and Sacred National Allegory.
It has been already stated that Leaplow was originally a scion of Leaphigh. The political separation
took place in the last generation, when the Leaplowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all it contained, just as your catechumen is made to renounce
the devil and all his works. This renunciation,
which is also sometimes called the denunciation,
was much more to the liking of Leaplow than to
that of Leaphigh; and a long and sanguinary war
was the consequence. The Leaplowers, after a
smart struggle, however, prevailed in their firm
determination to have no more to do with Leaphigh. The sequel will show how far they were
right.
Even preceding the struggle, so active was the
sentiment of patriotism and independence, that the
citizens of Leaplow, though ill-provided with the
productions of their own industry, proudly resorted to the self-denial of refusing to import even a
pin from the mother country, actually preferring
nakedness to submission. They even solemnly voted
that their venerable progenitor, instead of being, as
she clearly ought to have been, a fond, protecting




THE MONIKINS.            408
and indulgent parent, was, in truth, no other than
a rapacious, vindictive and tyrannical step-mother.
This was the opinion, it will be remembered, when
the two communities were legally united, had but
one head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursued a
multitude of their interests in common.
By the lucky termination of the war, all this was
radically changed. Leaplow pointed her thumb
at Leaphigh. and declared her intention henceforth
to manage her own affairs in her own way. In
order to do this the more effectually, and, at the
same time, to throw dirt into the countenance of
her late step-mother, she determined that her own
polity should run so near a parallel, and yet should
be so obviously an improvement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate the imperfections of the
latter to the most superficial observer. That this
patriotic resolution was faithfully carried out in
practice, I am now about to demonstrate.
In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long
prevailed, that political authority came from God;
though why such a theory should ever have pre.
vailed anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed
it, I cannot see, the devil very evidently having a
greater agency in its exercise than any other int..
ence, or intelligence, whatever. However, the jus
divinum was the regulator of the Leaphigh social
compact, until the nobility managed to get the bet.
ter of the jus, when the divinum was left to shift
for itself. It was at this epocha the present con.
stitution found its birth. Any one may have ob.
served that one stick placed on end will fall, as a
matter of course, unless rooted in the earth. Two
sticks fare no better, even with their tops united;
but three sticks form a standard. This simple and
beautiful idea gavre rise to the polity of LeaphighL
Three moral props were erected in the midst of the




404             THE MONIKINS.
community, at the foot of one of which was placed
the King, to prevent it from slipping; for all the
danger, under such a system, came from that of
the base slipping; at the foot of the second, the nobles; and at the foot of the third, the people. On
the summit of this tripod was raised the machine
of state. This was found to be a capital invention
in theory, though practice, as practice is very apt
to do, subjected it to some essential modifications.
The King, having his stick all his own way, gave
a great deal of trouble to the two other sets of
stick-holders; and, unwilling to disturb the theory,
for that was deemed to be irrevocably settled and
sacred, the nobility, who, for their own particular
convenience, paid the principal workmen at the
base of the people's stick to stand steady, set about
the means of keeping the King's stick, also, in a
more uniform and serviceable attitude. It was on
this Occasion that, discovering the King never could
keep his end of the great social stick in the place
where he had sworn to keep it, they solemnly declared that he must have forgotten where the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he had irretrievably lost his memory,-a decision that was the
remote cause of the recent calamity of Captain
Poke. The King was no sooner constitutionally
deprived of his memory, than it was an easy matter
to strip him of all his other faculties; after which
it was humanely decreed, as indeed it ought to be
in the case of a being so destitute, that he could do
no wrong. By way of following out the idea on a
humane and Christian-like principle, and in order
to make one part of the practice conform to the
other, it was shortly after determined that he should
do ndihing; his eldest first-cousin of the masculine
gender being legally proclaimed his substitute. In
the end, the crimson curtain was drawn before the




THi MONIKINS.            405
throne. As, however, this cousin might begin to
wriggle the stick in his turn, and derange the balance of the tripod, the other two sets of stick-holders
next decided that, though his Majesty had an undeniable constitutional right to say who should be his
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, they had
an undoubted constitutional right to say who he
should not be. The result of all this was a compromise; his Majesty, who, like other people, found the
sweets of authority more palatable than the bitter,
agreeing to get up on top of the tripod, where he
might appear seated on the machine of state, to
receive salutations, and eat and drink in peace,
leaving the others to settle among themselves who
should do the work at the bottom, as well as they
could. In brief, such is the history, and such was
the polity, of Leaphigh, when I had the honor of
visiting that country.
The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all
this was radically wrong. They determined, in the
first place, that there should be but one great social
beam; and, in order that it should stand perfectly
steady, they made it the duty of every citizen to
prop its base. They liked the idea of a tripod
well enough, but, instead of setting one up in the
Leaphigh fashion, they just reversed its form, and
stuck it on top of their beam, legs uppermost, placing
a separate agent on each leg, to work their machine
of state; taking care, also, to send a new one aloft
periodically. They reasoned thus: If one of the
Leaphigh beams slip-and they will be very apt to
slip in wet weather, with the King, nobles, and people wriggling and shoving against each other-down
will come the whole machine of state, or, to say
the least, it will get so much awry as never to
work as well as at first; and therefore we will
have none of it. If, on the other hand, one of our




406             THE MBONIKINS.
agents makes a blunder and falls, why, he will only
break his own neck. He will, moreover, fall in the
midst of us, and, should he escape with life, we can
either catch him and throw him back again, or we
can send a better hand up in his place, to serve out
the rest of his time. They also maintain that one
beam, supported by all the citizens, is much less
likely to slip than three beams, supported by three
powers of very uncertain, not to say unequal, forces.
Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective
National Allegories of Leaphigh and of Leaplow;
I say Allegories, for both governments seem to rely
on this ingenious form of exhibiting their great distinctive national sentiments. It would, in fact, be
an improvement, were all constitutions nenceforth
to be written in this manner, since they would necessarily be more explicit, intelligible, and sacred,
than they are by the present attempt at literality.
Having explained the governing principles of
these two important states, I now crave the reader's
attention, for a moment, while I go a little into the
details of the modus operandi, in both cases.
Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset,
that Leaplow totally disclaimed, viz. that of primogeniture. Being an only child myself, and having
no occasion for research on this interesting subject,
I never knew the basis of this peculiar right, until
I came to read the great Leaphigh commentator,
Whiterock, on the governing rules of the social
compact. I there found that the first-born, morally
considered, is thought to have better claims to
the honors of the genealogical tree, on the father's
side, than these offspring whose origin is to be
referred to a later period in connubial life. On this
obvious and highly discriminating principle, the
crown, the rights of the nobles, and indeed all
other rights, are transferred from  father to son,




THE MONIKINS.             407
in the direct male line, according to primogeniture,
Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There,
the supposition of legitimacy is as much in favor
of the youngest as of the oldest born, and the practice is in conformity. As there is no hereditary
chief to poise on one of the legs of the great tripod,
the people at the foot of the beam choose one
from among themselves, periodically, who is called
the Great Sachem. The same people choose another set, few in number, who occupy a common
seat, on another leg. These they term the Riddles.
Another set, still more numerous and popular in
aspect, if not in fact, fills a large seat on the third
leg. These last, from their being supposed to be
supereminently popular and disinterested, are familiarly known as the Legion. They are also pleasingly nicknamed the Bobees, an appellation that
took its rise in the circumstance that most of' the
members of their body have submitted to the second
dock, and, indeed, have nearly obliterated every
sign of a cauda. I had, most luckily, been chosen
to sit in the House of Bobees, a station for which I
felt myself to be well qualified, in this great essential at least; for all the anointing and forcing resorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage
out, and our residence in Leaphigh, had not produced so much as a visible sprout in either.
The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion,
had conjoint duties to perform, in certain respects,
and separate duties, in others. All three, as they
owed their allegorical elevation to, so were they
dependent on, the people at the foot of the great
social stick, for approbation and reward, —that is
to say, for all rewards other than those which they
have it in their power to bestow on themselves.
There was another authority, or agent of the pub.
lie, that is equally perched on the social beam,




408             THE MONIKINS.
though not quite so dependent as the three just
named, upon the main prop of the people,-being
also propped by a mechanical disposition of the
tripod itself. These are termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and their duties are to revise the acts of the
other three agents of the people, and to decide
whether they are or are not in conformity with the
recognized principles of the Sacred Allegory.
I was greatly delighted with my own progress
in the study of the Leaplow institutions. In the
first place, I soon discovered that the principal
thing was to reverse the political knowledge I had
acquired in Leaphigh, as one would turn a tub upside-down, when he wished to draw from its stores
at a fresh end, and then I was pretty sure of being
within at least the spirit of the Leaplow law. Every
thing seemed simple, for all was dependent on the
common prop, at the base of the great social beam.
Having got a thorough insight myself, into the
governing principles of the system under which I
had been chosen to serve, I went to look up my
colleague, Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how
he understood the great Leaplow Allegory.
I found the mind of the sealer, according to a
beautiful form of speech already introduced in this
narrative, " considerably exercised," on the several
subjects that so naturally presented themselves to
a man in his situation. In the first place, he was
in a towering passion at the impudence of Bob in
presuming to offer himself as a candidate for the
Great Council; and having offered himself, the rage
of the Captain was in no degree abated by the circumstance of the young rascal's being at the head
of the poll. He most unreservedly swore " that no
subordinate of his should ever sit in the same legislative body with himself; that he was a republican
by birth, and knew the usages of republican go




THE MONIKINS.           409
vernments quite as well as the best patriot among
them; and although he admitted that all sorts of
critturs were sent to Congress in his country, no
man ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy's being
sent there. They might elect just as much as they
pleased; but coming ashore, and playing politician,
were very different things from cleaning his boots,
and making his coffee, and mixing his grog." The
Captain had just been waited on by a committee
of the Perpendiculars, (half the Leaplow community is on some committee or other,) by whom he
had been elected, and they had given notice, that
instructions would be sent in, forthwith, to all their
representatives, to perform Gyration No. 3., da
soon after the meeting of the Council as possible. He was no tumbler, and he had sent fol a
master of political saltation, who had just been with
him, practising. According to Noah's own statement, his success was any thing but flattering. "If
they would give a body room, Sir John," he said,
in a complaining accent, "I should think nothing
of it-but you are expected to stand shoulder to
shoulder —yard-arm and yard-arm,-and throw
a flap-jack as handily as an old woman would toss
a johnny-cake! It's unreasonable to think of waring
ship without room; but give me room, and I'11 engage to get round on the other tack, and to luff
into the line again, as safely as the oldest cruiser
among'em, though not quite so quick. They do go
about spitefully, that's sartain!"
Nor were the Great National Allegories without
their difficulties. Noah perfectly understood the
images of the two tripods, though he was disposed
to think that neither was properly secured. A mast
would make but bad weather, he maintained, let it
be ever so well rigged and stay'd, without being
also securely stepped. He saw no use in trusting
the heels of the beams to anybody. Good lashings.35




410             THE MONIKINS.
were what were wanted, and then the people might
go about their private tffairs, and no fear the work
would fall. That the King of Leaphigh had no
memory, he could testify from bitter experience;
nor did he believe that he had any conscience; and,
chiefly he desired to know if we, when we got up
into our places on top of the three inverted beams,
among the other Bobees, were to make war on the
Great Sachem and the Riddles, or whether we
were to consider the whole affair as a good thing,
in which the wisest course would be to make fair
weather of it?
To all these remarks and questions, I answered
as well as my own limited experience would allow;
taking care to inform my friend that he had conceived the whole matter a little too literally, as all
that he had been reading about the great political
beams, the tripods, and the legislative boxes, was
merely an allegory.
"And pray, then, Sir John, what may an allegory be?":" In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution."', And what is a constitution?"
"Why, it is sometimes, as you perceive, an allegory."
g" And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to the book?"' Figuratively, only."
"But there are actually such critturs as the Great
Sachem, and the Riddles, and above all, the Bobees!
-We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee elected?"
"Boney fie-diddle-di-dee."
"And may I take the liberty of asking, what it
is our duty to do?"
"We are to act practically, according to the
literality of the legal, implied, figurative, allegorical significations of the Great National Compact,
under a legitimate construction."




THE MONIXINS.            411
" I fear we shall have to work double tides, Sir
John, to do so much in so short a time! Do you
mean that, in honest truth, there is no beam?"'There is, and there is not."
"No fore, main, and mizzen-tops, according to
what is here written down?"
"There is not, and there is."
"Sir John, in the name of God, speak out!-Is
all this about eight dollars a day, no better than a
take in?"
"That, I believe, is strictly literal."
As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized
the opportunity to tell him he must beware how he
attempted to stop Bob from attending the Council.
Members were privileged, going and coming; and
unless he was guarded in his course, he might have
some unpleasant collision with the serjeant-at-arms.
Besides, it was unbecoming the dignity of a legislator to be wrangling about trifles, and he to whom
was confided the great affairs of a state, ought to
attach the utmost importance to a grave exterior,
which commonly was of more account with his
constituents than any other quality. Any one could
tell whether he was grave or not, but it was by no
means so easy a matter to tell whether he or his
constituents had the greatest cause to appear so.
Noah promised to be discreet, and we parted, not
to meet again until we assembled to be sworn in.
Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we disposed of our commercial investments
that morning. All the Leaphigh opinions brought
good prices; and I had occasion to see how well
the Brigadier understood the market, by the eagerness with which, in particular, the opinions on the
state of society in Leaplow, were bought up. But,
by one of those unexpected windfalls which raise
up so many of the chosen of the earth to their high
places, the cook did better than any of us. It will




412            THE MONIKINS.
be remembered, that he had bartered an article of
merchandise that he called slush against a neglected bale of Distinctive Leaplow Opinions, which had
no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they did
from abroad, these articles had taken as a novelty
in Bivouac, and he sold them all before night, at
enormous advances; the cry being that something
new and extraordinary had found its way into the
market I
CHAPTER XXVI.
How to enact laws-Oratory, logic and eloquence, all considered in their every-day aspects.
POLITICAL oaths are very much the same sort
of thing everywhere, and I shall say no more about
our inauguration than simply to state it took place
as usual. The two houses were duly organized,
and we proceeded, without delay, to the transaction
of business. I will here state that I was much
rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright among the
Bobees, the Captain whispering that most probably
he had been mistaken for an "immigrunt," and
chosen accordingly.
It was not a great while before the Great Sachem
sent us a communication, which contained a compte
rendu of the state of the nation. Like most accounts
it is my good fortune to receive, I thought it particularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this
document, the people of Leaplow were, by a good
deal, the happiest people in the world; they were
also considerably more respected, esteemed, beloved, honored, and properly appreciated, than any
other monikin community; and, in short, they were
the admiration and glory of the universe. I was
exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of the facts




THE MONIKINS,            413
were quite new to me; a circumstance which shown
one can never get correct notions of a nation except from itself.
These important facts properly digested, we all
of us set about our several duties with a zeal that
spoke fairly for our industry and integrity. Things
commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before
the Riddles sent us a resolution for concurrence,
by way of opening the ball. It was conceived in
the following terms:-" Resolved, that the color
which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is
really white."
As this was the first resolution that involved a
principle on which we had been required to vote, I
suggested to Noah the propriety of our going
round to the Brigadier, and inquiring what might
be the drift of so singular a proposition. Our colleague answered the question with great good nature, giving us to understand that the Perpendiculars
and the Horizontals had long been at variance on
the mere coloring property of various important
questions, and the real matter involved in the resolution was not visible. The former had alwavs
maintained, (by always, he meant ever since the
time they maintained the contrary,) the doctrine
of the resolution, and the latter its converse. A
majority of the Riddles, just at this moment, are
Perpendiculars; and, as it was now seen, they had
succeeded in getting a vote on their favorite principle.
" According to this account of the matter, Sir
John," observed the Captain, "I shall be compelled
to maintain that black is white, seeing that I am
in on the Parpendic'lar interest?"
I thought with the Captain, and was pleased
that my own legislative debit was not to be char.
acterized by the promulgation of any doctrine so
much at variance with my preconceived ways of
35 *




414             THE MONIKINS.
thinking. Curious, however, to know his opinion,
I asked the Brigadier in what light he felt disposed
to view the matter himself.
"I am elected by the Tangents," he said; "and,
by what I can learn, it is the intention of our friends
to steer a middle course; and one of our leaders is
already selected, who, at a proper stage of the
affair, is to move an amendment."
"Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything
connected with the Great National Allegory, that
bears on this point?"
"Why, there is a clause among the fundamental
and immutable laws, which it is thought was intended to meet this very case; but, unhappily, the sages
by whom our Allegory was drawn up, have not
paid quite as much attention to the phraseology as
the importance of the subject demanded."
Here the Brigadier laid his finger on the clause
in question, and I returned to a seat to study its
meaning. It was conceived as follows: —Art. IV.
Clause 6: "The Grea' National Council shall, in
no case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be black."
After studying this fundamental enactment to the
bottom, turning it on every side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to the conclusion that
its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable
than unfavorable to the horizontal doctrine. It
struck me, a very good argument was to be made
out of the constitutional question, and that it presented a very fair occasion for a new member to
venture on a maiden speech. Having so settled the
matter, entirely to my own satisfaction, I held myself in reserve, waiting for the proper moment to
produce an effect.
It was not long before the Chairman of the Committee on tne Judiciary (one of the effects of the
resolution was entirely to change the coloring of




THE MONIKINS.            415
all testimony throughout the vast republic of Leap.
low) made his report on the subject-matter of the
resolution. This person was a Tangent, who had
a besetting wish to become a Riddle, although the
leaning of our house was decidedly horizontal;
and, as a matter of course, he took the Riddle side
of this question. The report, itself, required seven
hours in the reading, commencing with the subject
at the epocha of the celebrated caucus that was
adjourned sine die, by the disruption of the earth's
crust, and previously to the distribution of the great
monikin family into separate communities, and ending with the subject of the resolution in his hand.
The reporter had set his political palette with the
utmost care, having completely covered the subject
with neutral tints, before he got through with it;
and glazing the whole down with ultramarine, in
such a way as to cause the eye to regard the matter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he
repeated the resolution, verbatim, and as it came
from the other house.
Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments. To my utter amazement,
Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into its
box, and opened the debate, without apology.
The Honorable Captain said he understood this
question to be one implicating the liberties of everybody. He understood the matter literally, as it was
propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in the
resolution; and, as such, he intended to look at it
with unprejudyced eyes. " The natur' of this proposal lay altogether in color. What is color, after
all? Make the most of it, and in the most favorable
position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comel3
young woman, and it is but skin-deep. He re
membered the time when a certain female in another part of the univarse, who is commonly called
Miss Poke, might have out-rosed the best rose in a




416             THE MONIKINS.
place called Stunin'tun; and what did it all amount
to? He shouldn't ask Miss Poke herself, for obvious reasons-but he would ask any of the neighbors how she looked now? Quitting female natur',
he would come to human natur' generally. He had
crten remarked that sea-water was blue, and he had
frequently caused pails to be lowered, and the water
brought on deck, to see if he could come at any of
this blueing matter-for indigo was both scarce
and dear in his part of the world, but he never
could make out anything by the experiment; from
which he concluded that, on the whull, there was
pretty much no such thing as cclor, at all.
"As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on the meaning of words. Now, after
all, what is a word? Why, some people's words
are good, and other people's words are good for
nothing. For his part, he liked sealed instruments
-which might be because he was a sealer —but as
for mere words, he set but little store by them. He
once tuck a man's word for his wages; and the
long and short of it was, that he lost his money.
He had known a thousand instances in which words
had proved to be of no value, and he did not see
why some gentlemen wished to make them of so
much importance here. For his part, he was for
puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a color
above its desarts. The people seemed to call for a
change in the color of things, and he called upon
gentlemen to remember that this was a free country, and one in which the laws ruled; and therefore
he trusted they would be disposed to adapt the laws
to the wants of the people. What had the people
asked of the house in this matter? So far as his
knowledge went, they had really asked nothing in
words, but he understood there was great discontent on the subject of the old colors; and he con



THE ]IONIKINS.            417
strued their silence into an expression of contempt
for words in general. He was a Parpendic'lar, and
he should always maintain parpendic'lar sentiments.
Gentlemen might not agree with him, but, for one,
he was not disposed to jipordyze the liberties of his
constituents, and therefore he gave the rizolution
just as it came from the Riddles, without altering
a letter-although he did think there was one word
misspelt-he meant'really,' which he had been
taught to spell'ra'ally'-but he was ready to
sacrifice even his opinions on this point to the good
of the country; and therefore he went with the Riddles, even to their misprints. He hoped the rizolution would pass, with the entire unanimity so
important a subject demanded."
This speech produced a very strong sensation.
*Up to this time, the principal orators of the house
had been much in the practice of splitting hairs
about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory;
but Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind,
had made a home-thrust at the root of the whole
matter; laying about him with the single-heartedness of the illustrious Manchechan, when he couched
his lance against the wind-mills. The points admitted, that there were no such things as colors,
and that words were of no moment, this, or indeed
any other resolution, might be passed with impunity.
The Perpendiculars in the house were singularly
satisfied, for, to say the truth, their arguments
hitherto had been rather flimsy. Out of doors, the
effect was greater still; for it wrought a complete
change in the whole tenor of the Perpendicular
argument.  Monikins who the day before had
strenuously affirmed that their strength lay in the
phraseology of the Great Allegory, now suddenly
had tneir eyes opened, clearly perceiving that words
had no just value. The argument had certainly
undergone some modifications; but, luckily, the




418             THE MONIKINS.
deduction was undisturbed. The Brigadier noticed
this apparent anomaly; explaining, however, that
it was quite common in Leaplow, more especially
in all matters affecting politics; though he felt persuaded men must be more consistent.
No great time is required to put a well-organized political corps to the right-about, when proper attention has been paid to the preparatory drills.
Although several of the best speakers among the
Perpendiculars had appeared in their places, with
ample notes, and otherwise in readiness to show
that the phraseology of the resolution was altogether in favor of their views of the question, every
monikin of them promptly rejected his previous
argument, for the simple and more conclusive views
of Captain Poke. On the other hand, the Horizontals were so completely taken by surprise, that not
an orator among them all had a word to say for
himself. So far from replying, they actually permitted one of their antagonists to rise and to follow
up the blow of the Captain; a pretty certain sign
that they were bothered.
The new speaker was a very prominent leader
of the Perpendiculars. He was one of those politicians who are only the more dexterous from having been of all sides, knowing by experience the
weak and the strong points of each, and being familiar with every subdivision of political sentiment
that had ever existed in the country. This ingenious
orator took up the subject with spirit, treating it
throughout on the principle of the honorable member who had last spoken. According to his views
of the question, the gist of a resolution, or a law,
was to be found in things and not in words. Words
were so many false lights to mislead, and-he need
not tell this house a fact that was familiar to all
who heard him-words would be, and were, daily
moulded to suit the convenience of all sorts of per



THE MONIKINS.            419
sons. It was a capital error in political life to be
lavish of words, for the time might come when the
garrulous and voluble would have cause to repent of
having used them. He asked the house if the thing
proposed were necessary-did the public interests
require it-was the public mind prepared for it; if so,
he begged gentlemen to do their duties to themselves,
their characters, their consciences, their religion,
their property, and, lastly, their constituents.
This orator had endeavored to destroy words by
words, and I thought the house regarded his effort
rather favorably. I now determined to make a
rally in favor of the fundamental law, which evidently had as yet been but little regarded in the
discussion. I caught the Speaker's eye, accordingly,
and was on my feet in a moment.
I commenced by paying elaborate compliments
to the talents and motives of those who had preceded me, and made some proper allusions to the
known intelligence, patriotism, virtue, and legal
attainments of the house. All this was so well received, that taking courage, I determined to come
down upon my adversaries, at once, with the text
of the written law. Prefacing the blow with an
eulogium on the admirable nature of those institutions which were universally admitted to be the
wonder of the world, and which were commonly
pronounced to be the second perfection of monikin
reason, those of Leaphigh being invariably deemed
the first, I made a few apposite remarks on the
necessity of respecting the vital ordinances of the
body politic, and asked the attention of my hearers
while I read to them a particular clause, which
it had struck me had some allusion to the very
point now in consideration. Having thus cleared the way, I had not the folly to defeat the ob.jects of so much preparation, by an indiscreet
precipitancy. So far from it, previously to read



420             THE MONIKINS.
mg the extract from the constitution, I waited until
the attention of every member present was attracted
more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation, and gravity of my manner, than by the substance of what
had yet been said. In the midst of this deep silence
and expectation I read aloud, in a voice that reached
every cranny of the hall" The Great Council shall, in no case whatever,
pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be
black."
If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was equally self-possessed in waiting for
its effect. Looking about me, I saw surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder and uncertainty, in every
countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact
embarrassed even me. Our friends the Horizontals
were evidently quite as much at fault as our opponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I had
good reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on
hearing their cause sustained by an authority so
weighty.
"Will the honorable member have the goodness to
explain from what author he has quoted?" one of the
leading Perpendiculars at length ventured to inquire.
"The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I resumed, believing that now was the favorable instant to follow up the matter, "is language
that must find an echo in every heart-it is language that can never be used in vain in this venerable hall, language that carries with it conviction
and command"-I observed that the members were
now fairly gaping at each other with wonder" Sir, I am asked to name the author from whom 1
have quoted these sententious and explicit wordsSir, what you have just heard is to be found in the
Article IV  Clause 6, of the Great National Alle.
gory —-- "




TIlE MONIKINS.           421
"Order-Order-Order!" shouted a hundred
raven throats.
I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house
itself had been only the instant before.
"Order-Order-Order-Order-Order!" continued to be yelled, as if a million of demons were
screeching in the hall.
"The honorable member will please to recollect,"
said the bland, and ex-officio impartial Speaker,
who, by the way, was a Perpendicular, elected by
fraud, "that it is out of order to use personalities."
"Personalities! I do not understand, sir- "
" The instrument to which the honorable member
has alluded, his own good sense will tell him, was
never written by itself-so far from this, the very
members of the convention by which it was drawn
up, are at this instant members of this house, and
most of them supporters of the resolution now before the house; and it will be deemed personal to
throw into their faces former official acts, in this
unheard-of manner. I am sorry it is my duty to
say, that the honorable member is entirely out of
order."
" But, sir, the Sacred National   "
"Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt-but in a sense
different from what you imagine-much too sacred,
sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are the works
of the commentators, the books of constructions,
and especially the writings of various foreign and
perfectly disinterested statesmen, —need I name
Ekrub in particular!-that are at the command of
members; but so long as I am honored with a seat
in this chair, I shall peremptorily decide against all
personalities."
I was dumb-founded. The idea that the authority
itself would be refused never crossed my mind,
though I nad anticipated a sharp struggle on its
construction. The constitution only required that
36




422             THE MONIKINS.
no law should be passed declaring black to be
white, whereas the resolution merely ordered that
t.enceforth white should be black. Here was mat
ter for discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to
the result; but to be thus knocked on the head by a
club, in the outset, was too much for the modesty
of a maiden speech. I took my seat in confusion;
and I plainly saw that the Perpendiculars, by their
sneers, now expected to carry everything triumphantly their own way. This, most probably, would
have been the case, had not one of the Tangents
immediately got the floor, to move the amendment.
To the vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in
some degree, to my own mortification, this duty
was intrusted to the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr. Smut
commenced with entreating members not to be led
away by the sophistry of the first speaker. That
honorable member, no doubt, felt himself called
upon to defend the position taken by his friends;
but those that knew him well, as it had been his
fate to know him, must be persuaded that his sen
timents had, at least, undergone a sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member denied
the existence of color, at all! He would ask that
honorable member if he had never been instrumental himself in producing what is generally called
"black and blue color?" he should like to know
if that honorable member placed as little value,
at present, on blows as he now seemed to set on
words-he begged pardon of the house, but this
was a matter of great interest to himself-he knew
that there never had been a greater manufacturer
of "black and blue color" than that honorable
member, and he wondered at his now so pertinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at his
wish to underrate their value. For his part, he
trusted he understood the importance of words, and
the value of hues; and while he did not exactly see




TIE MONIKINS.            423
the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some
gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any
means prepared to go as far as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not believe that
public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that
black was black, but he thought it was not yet disposed to affirm that black was white. He did not
say that such a day might not arrive; he only
maintained that it had not yet arrived, and with a
view to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he should move, by way of amendment, to strike out the whole of the resolution after
the word "really," and insert that which would
cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.
"Resolved, that the color which has hitherto
been deemed to be black, is really lead-color."
Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat,
leaving the house to its own ruminations. The
leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing that if
they got half-way this session, they might effect the
rest of their object the next, determined to accept
the compromise; and the resolution, as amended,
passed by a handsome majority. So this important
point was finally decided for the moment, leaving
great hopes among the Perpendiculars of being
able to lay the Horizontals even flatter on their
backs than they were just then.
The next question that presented itself was of far
less interest, exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will be necessary to refer a
little to history. The government of Leapthrough
had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burned on
the high seas, or otherwise destroyed. The pretence
was, that they incommoded Leapthrough. Leaplow was much too great a nation to submit to so
heinous an outrage, while, at the same time, she was




424             THE MONIKIIS.
much too magnanimous and wise a nation to resent
t in an every-day and vulgar manner. Instead of
getting in a passion and loading her cannon, she
summoned all her logic and began to reason. After
reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two
years, or until all the parties who had been wronged
were dead, and could no longer be benefited byher
logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her
pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an honorary sense, and to compromise
the affair by accepting a certain insignificant sum
of money as a salve to the whole wrong. Leapthrough conditioned to pay this money, in the most
solemn and satisfactory manner; and everybody
was delighted with the amicable termination of a
very vexatious and a seemingly interminable discussion. Leapthrough was quite as glad to get rid
of the matter as Leaplow, and very naturally, under
all the circumstances, thought the whole thing at
length was done with, when she conditioned to pay
the money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most
unfortunately, however, had a "will of iron," or, in
other words, he thought the money ought to be paid
as well as conditioned to be paid. This despotic
construction of the bargain had given rise to unheard-of dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed
might have been expected; but it was, oddly enough,
condemned with some heat even in Leaplow itself,
where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious
logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain
to pay money, was to make a new one for a less
sum, whenever the amount fell due; a plan that,
with a proper moderation and patience, would be
certain, in time, to extinguish the whole debt.
Several very elaborate patriots had taken this
matter in hand, and it was now about to be preaented to the house, under four different categories




THE MONIKINS.            425
Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity ana
precision. It proposed merely that Leaplow should
pay the money itself, and take up the bond, using
its own funds. Category No. 2, embraced a recommendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to
pay itself, using, however, certain funds of Leapthrough. Category 3d, was a proposal to offer ten
millions to Leapthrough to say no more about the
transaction at all. Category 4th, was to commence
the negotiating or abating system mentioned, without delay, in order to extinguish the claim by instalments as soon as possible.
The question came up on the consideration of the
different projects connected with these four leading
principles. My limits will not admit of a detailed
history of the debate. All I can do, is merely to
give an outline of the logic that these various propositions set in motion, of the legislative ingenuity
of which they were the parents, and of the multitude
of legitimate conclusions that so naturally followed.
In favor of Category No. 1, it was urged that,
by adopting its leading idea, the affair would be
altogether in our own hands, and might consequently
be settled with greater attention to purely Leaplow
interests; that further delay could only proceed
from our own negligence; that no other project
was so likely to get rid of this protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the debt
with the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its amount in the good legal currency of
the republic; that it would be singularly economical, as the agent who paid might also be authorized
to receive, whereby there would be a saving in
salary; and, finally, that, under this category, the
whole affair might be brought within the limits of
a nut-shell, and the compass of any one's under
standing.
36 *




426             THE MONIKINS.
In favor of Category No. 2, little more than very
equivocal sophisms, which savored strongly of common-place opinions, were presented. It was pretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond was
in equity bound to pay it; that, if he refused, the
other party had the natural and legal remedy of
compulsion; that it might not always be convenient
for a creditor to pay all the obligations of other
people which he might happen to hold; that if his
transactions were extensive, money might be want-:ng to carry out such a principle; and that, as a
precedent, it would comport much more with LeapJow prudence and discretion to maintain the old and
tried notions of probity and justice, than to enter on
the unknown ocean of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions, by admitting which, we
could never know when we were fairly out of debt.
Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new
system of logic, which appeared to have great favor
with that class of the members who were of the
more refined school of ethics. These orators referred
the whole matter to a sentiment of honor. Thev
commenced by drawing vivid pictures of the outrages in which the original wrongs had been committed. They spoke of ruined families, plundered
mariners, and blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical calculations to show that just forty
times as much wrong had, in fact, been done, as
this bond assumed; and that, as the case actually
stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receive
exactly forty times the amount of the money that
was actually included in the instrument. Turning
from these interesting details, they next presented
the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking
the Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow rights,
had made it principally a question of honor, and,
in disposing of it, the principle of honor ought never




THE MONIKINS.           427
to be lost sight of. It was honorable to pay one's
debts-this no one could dispute; but it was not so
clear, by any means, that there was any honor in
receiving one's dues. The national honor was
concerned; and they called on members, as they
cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward
and sustain it by their votes. As the matter stood,
Leaplow had the best of it. In compounding with
her creditor, as had been done in the treaty,
Leapthrough lost some honor —in refusing to pay
the bond, she lost still more; and now, if we should
send her the ten millions proposed, and she should
have the weakness to accept it, we should fairly
get our foot upon her neck, and she could never
look us in the face again!
The Category No. 4, brought up a member who
had made political economy his chief study. This
person presented the following case: —According
to his calculations, the wrong had been committed
precisely sixty-three years, and twenty-six days, and
two-thirds of a day, ago. For the whole of that
long period Leaplow had been troubled with this
vexatious question, which had hung like a cloud
over the otherwise unimpaired brightness of her
political landscape. It was time to get rid of it.
The sum stipulated was just twenty-five millions,
to be paid in twenty-five annual instalments, of a
million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the
instalments to one half the number, but in no way
to change the sum. That point ought to be con.
sidered as irrevocably settled. This would diminish the debt one half. Before the first instalment
should become due, he would effect a postponement,
by diminishing the instalments again to six, refer.
ring the time to the latest periods named in the last
treaty, and always most sacredly keeping the sums
precisely the same. It would be impossible to touch




428            THE MONIXINS.
lhe sums, which, he repeated, ought to be considered
as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven
years, a new arrangement might reduce the instalments to two, or even to one-always respecting
the sum; and finally, at the proper moment, a treaty
could be concluded, declaring that there should be
no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if
there had been an instalment, Leaplow could never
have consented to reduce it below one million. The
result would be, that in about five-and-twenty years
the country would be fairly rid of the matter, and
the national character, which it was agreed on all.ands was even now as high as it well could be,
would probably be raised many degrees higher.
The negotiation had commenced in a spirit of compromise; and our character for consistency required
that this spirit of compromise should continue to
govern our conduct as long as a single farthing
remained unpaid.
This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it
would have passed by a handsome majority, had
not a new proposition been presented, by an orator
of singularly pathetic powers.
The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said that each and every one of them
would lead to war. Leapthrough was a chivalrous
and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the
present aspect of things. Should we presume to
take up the bond, using our own funds, it would
mortally offend her pride, and she would fight us;
did we presume to take up the bond, using her
funds, it would offend her financial system, and she
would fight us; did we presume to offer her ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would
offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be
Dought off from her rights, and she would fight us;
did we presume to adopt the system of new nego



THEI MONIKINS.           429
tiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by
intimating that she would not respect her old nego.
tiations, and she would fight us. He saw war in
all four of the categories. He was for a peace category, and he thought he had in his hand a proposition, that by proper management, using the most
tender delicacy, and otherwise respecting the sensibilities of the high and honorable nation in question, we might possibly get out of this embarrassing
dilemma without actually coming to blows-he
said to blows, for he wished to impress on honorable members the penalties of war. He invited
gentlemen to recollect that a conflict between two
great nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough
were a little nation, it would be a different matter,
and the contest might be conducted in a corner;
our honor was intimately connected with all we did
with great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know?-He would tell them.
Here the orator drew a picture of war that
caused suffering monikinity to shudder. He viewed
it in its four leading points: its religious, its pecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties. He
described war to be the demon-state of the monikin
mind; as opposed to worship, to charity, brotherly
love, and all the virtues. On its pecuniary penalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet. Buttons
which cost six-pence a gross, he assured the house
would shortly cost seven-pence a gross.-Here he
was reminded that monikins no longer wore buttons.-No matter, they bought and sold buttons,
and the effects on trade were just the same. The
political penalties of war he fairly showed to be
frightful; but when he came to speak of the domestic penalties, there was not a dry eye in the house
Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I was in an
agony lest he should be called to order.




430             THB MONIKINS.
"Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as
t has been in the whirlwind of war. Behold her
standing over the sod that covers the hero of his
country, the husband of her virgin affections. In
vain the orphan at her side turns its tearful eye upward, and asks for the plumes that so lately pleased
its infant fancy; in vain its gentle voice inquires
when he is to return, when he is to gladden their
hearts with his presence" —-But I can write no more.
Sobs interrupted the speaker, and he took his seat
in an ecstasy of godliness and benevolence.
I hurried across the house, to beg the Brigadier
would introduce me to this just monikin without
a moment's delay. I felt as if I could take him to
my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship
with a spirit so benevolent. The Brigadier was too
much agitated, at first, to attend to me; but, after
wiping his eyes at least a hundred times, he finally
succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked upward with a bland smile.
"Is he not a wonderful monikin?"
"Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts
us all to shame!-Such a monikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species."
" Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing excites our zeal like the principles
of the class of which he is a member!"
"' How! Have you more than one class of the
humane?"
"Certainly —the Original, the Representative.
and the Speculative."
"I am devoured by the desire to understand the
distinctions, my dear Brigadier."
"The Original is an every-day class, that feels
under the natural impulses. The Representative is
a more intellectual division, that feels chiefly by
proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympa.




THE MON'IKINS.            431
thies are excited by positive interests, like the last
speaker. This person has lately bought a farm by
the acre, which he is about to sell, in village lots,
by the foot, and war will knock the whole thing in
the head. It is this which stimulates his benevolence in so lively a manner."
"Why, this is no more than a development of
the social-stake system- "
I was interrupted by the Speaker, who called the
house to order. The vote on the resolution of the
last orator was to be taken. It read as follows:"Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the
dignity and character of Leapthrough, for Leaplow
to legislate on the subject of so petty a consideration
as a certain pitiful treaty between the two countries."
" Unanimity-unanimity!" was shouted by fifty
voices. Unanimity there was; and then the whole
house set to work, shaking hands and hugging each
other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable
and ingenious manner in which it had got rid of
this embarrassing and impertinent question.
CHAPTER XXVII.
An effect of logarithms on morals-An obscuration, a dissertation, and a calculation.
THE house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were favored with a visit
from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on
an affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his
hand a small pamphlet; and the usual salutations
were scarcely over, before he directed our attention




432             THE MONIKINS.
to a portion of its contents. It would seem that
Leaplow was on the eve of experiencing a great
moral eclipse. The periods and dates of the phenomenon (if that can be called a phenomenon
which was of too frequent occurrence) had been
calculated, with surprising accuracy, by the academy of Leaphigh, and sent, through its minister, as
an especial favor, to our beloved country, in order
that we should not be taken by surprise. The account of the affair read as follows:"On the third day of the season of nuts, there
will be the commencement of a great moral eclipse,
in that portion of the monikin region which lies
immediately about the pole. The property in eclipse
will be the great moral postulate usually designated
by the term Principle; and the intervening body
will be the great immoral postulate, usually known
as Interest. The frequent occurrence of the conjunction of these two important postulates has
caused our moral mathematicians to be rather negligent of their calculations on this subject, of late
years; but, to atone for this inexcusable indifference
to one of the most important concerns of life, the
calculating committee was instructed to pay unusual
attention to all the obscurations of the present year
and this phenomenon, one of the most decided of
our age, has been calculated with the utmost nicety
and care. We give the results.
" The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in contact with the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate in question
will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h.
17 m. from the moment of contact. The passage
of a political intrigue will instantly follow, when
the several sub-postulates of truth, honesty, disinterestedness and patriotism, will all be obscured in
succession, beginning with the lower limb of the




THE MONIKINS.             433
first, and ending with all the limbs of the whole of
them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the moment of contact.
The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will
first be deepened by the approach of prosperity,
and this will be soon succeeded by the contact of a
great pecuniary interest, at 10 h. 2 m. 1 s.; and in
exactly 2 s. and 3-7 s., the whole of the great
moral postulate of Principle will be totally hid from
view. In consequence of this early passage of the
darkest shadow that is ever cast by Interest, the
passages of the respective shadows of ambition, hatred, jealousy, and all the other minor satellites of
Interest, will be invisible.
" The country principally affected by this eclipse
will be the republic of Leaplow, a community whose
known intelligence and virtues are perhaps better
qualified to resist its influence than any other. The
time of occultation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16
m. 2 s. Principle will begin to reappear to the
moral eye at the end of this period, first by the
approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere being
much less dense than that of Interest, will allow of
imperfect views of the obscured postulate; but the
radiance of the latter will not be completely restored
until the arrival of Misery, whose chastening
colors invariably permit all truths to be discernible,
although through a sombre medium. To resume:-'Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M.
Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from
beginning of eclipse.
Middle,            in 4 y. 9 m. 0 d. 7. h. 9 m.
from beginning of eclipse.
End of eclipse,    9 y. 11 m. 20 d, 3 h. 2 m.
from beginning.,
Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s."
I gazed at the Brigadier in admiration and awe.
There was nothing remarkable in the eclipse itself,
37




434            THE MONIKINS.
which was quite an every-day affair; but the preci.
sion with which it had been calculated added to its
other phenomena the terrible circumstance of obtaining a glimpse into the future. I now began to
perceive the immense difference between living
consciously under a moral shadow, and living under
i; unconsciously. The latter was evidently a trifle
compared to the former. Providence had most
kindly provided for our happiness in denying the
ability to see beyond the present moment.
Noah took the affair even more at heart than
myself. He told me, with a rueful and prognosticating countenance, that we were fast drawing near
to the autumnal equinox, when we should reach the
commencement of a natural night of six months'
duration; and although the benevolent substitute of
steam might certainly in some degree lessen the
evil, that it was a furious evil, after all, to exist for
a period so weary without enjoying the light of the
sun. He found the eternal glare of day bad enough,
but he did not believe he should be able to endure
its total absence. Natur' had made him a' watch
and watch' crittur'. As for the twilight of which so
much was said, it was worse than nothin', being
neither one thing nor the other. For his part, he
liked things' made out of whole cloth.' Then he
had sent the ship round to a distant roadstead, in
order that there might be no more post-captains
and rear-admirals among the people; and here had
he been as much as four days on nothing but nuts.
Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey, but
he found, on trial, that it played the devil with the
philosophy of a man. Things were bad enough as
they were. He pined for a little pork-he cared
pot who knew it; it might not be very sentimental,
he knew, but it was capital sea-food; his natur'
was pretty much pork; he believed most men had,
m some way or other, more or less pork in their




TrtE  MONIKN.S.          435
inuman natur's; nuts might do for monikin natur',
but human natur' loved meat; if monikins did not
like it, monikins need not eat it; there would be so
much the more for those that did like it-he pined
for his natural aliment, and as for living nine years
in an eclipse, it was quite out of the question. The
longest Stunin'tun eclipses seldom went over three
hours-he once knew Deacon Spiteful pray quite
through one, from apogee to perigee. He therefore
proposed that Sir John and he should resign their
seats without delay, and that they should try to get
the Walrus to the north'ard as quick as possible, lest
they should be caught in the polar night. As for
the Hon. Robert Smut, he wished him no better luck
than to remain where he was all his life, and to
receive his eight dollars a day in acorns.
Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, not to record the sentiments of Noah,
still my attention was much more strongly attracted
by the demeanor of the Brigadier, than by the jeremiad of the sealer. To an anxious inquiry if he
were not well, our worthy colleague answered
plaintively, that he mourned over the misfortune of
his country.
"I have often witnessed the passage of the pas
sions, and of the minor motives, across the disk of
the great moral postulate, Principle; but an occul.
tation of its light by a Pecuniary Interest, and for
so long a period, is fearful! Heaven only knows
what will become of us!"
"Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere
illustrations of the social-stake system? I confess
this occultation, of which you seem to have so much
dread, is not so formidable a thing, on reflection, as
it at first appeared to be."
"You are quite right, Sir John, as to the char.
acter of the eclipse itself, which, as a matter of




436             THE MONIKINS.
course, must depend on the character of the intervening body. But the wisest and best of our philosophers hold that the entire system of which we
are but insignificant parts, is based on certain immutable truths of a divine origin. The premises, or
postulates, of all these truths, are so many moral
guides in the management of monikin affairs; and,
the moment they are lost sight of, as will be the
case during these frightful nine years that are to
come, we shall be abandoned entirely to selfishness.
Now selfishness is only too formidable when restrained by Principle; but, left to its own grasping
desires and audacious sophisms, to me the moral
perspective is terrible. We are only too much addicted to turn our eyes from Principle, when it is
shining in heavenly radiance, and in full glory,
before us; it is not difficult, therefore, to foresee
the nature of the consequences which are to follow
its total and protracted obscuration."
"You then conceive there is a rule superior to
interest, which ought to be respected in the control
of monikin affairs?"
" Beyond a doubt; else in what should we differ
from the beasts of prey?"
" I do not exactly see whether this does, or does
not, accord with the notions of the political economists of the social-stake system."
"As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not.
Your social-stake system supposes that he who has
what is termed a distinct and prominent interest in
society, will be the most likely to conduct its affairs
wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. This would be
true, if those great principles which lie at the root
of all happiness were respected; but unluckily, the
stake in question, instead of being a stake in jus
tice and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely a
stake in property. Now, all experience shows thiat




THE MONIKINS.            437
the great property-incentives are to increase pro.
perty, protect property, and to buy with property
those advantages which ought to be independent of
property, viz. honors, dignities, power and immu.
nities. I cannot say how it is with men, but our
histories are eloquent on this head. We have had
the property-principle carried out thoroughly in our
practice, and the result has shown that its chief
operation is to render property as intact as possible, and the bones, and sinews, and marrow of all
who do not possess it, its slaves. In short, the time
has been, when the rich were even exempt from con.
tributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state.
But it is quite useless to theorize on this subject, for,
by that cry in the streets, the lower limb of the great
postulate is beginning to be obscured, and, alas! we
shall soon have too much practical information."
The Brigadier was right. On referring to the
clocks, it was found that, in truth, the eclipse had
commenced some time before, and that we were
on the verge of an absolute occultation of Principle, by the basest and most sordid of all motives,
Pecuniary Interest.
The first proof that was given of the true state
of things, was in the language of the people. The
word interest was in every monikin's mouth, while
the word principle, as indeed was no more than
suitable, seemed to be quite blotted out of the Leaplow vocabulary. To render a local term into
English, half of the vernacular of the country appeared to be compressed into the single word "dollar." " Dollar-dollar-dollar"-nothing but "dollar!" "Fifty thousand dollars-twenty thousand
dollars-a hundred thousand dollars"-met one at
every turn. The words rang at the corners-in the
public ways-at the exchange-in the drawingrooms-ay, even in the churches. If a temple had
been reared for the worship of the Creator, the first
27 *




438             THE MONIKINS.
question was, how much did it cost? —If an artist
submitted the fruits of his labors to the taste of his
fellow-citizens, conjectures were whispered among
the spectators, touching its value in the current
coin of the republic. —If an author presented the
offspring of his genius to the same arbiters, its
merits were settled by a similar standard; and one
divine, who had made a strenuous, but an ill-timed
appeal to the charity of his countrymen, by setting
forth the beauties as well as the rewards of the
god-like property, was fairly put down by a demonstration that his proposition involved a considerable
outlay, while it did not clearly show much was to
be gained by going to heaven!
Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his
sombre anticipations, for all the acquirements, know
ledge, and experience, obtained in many years of
travel, were now found to be worse than useless.
If my honorable colleague and co-voyager ventured
a remark on the subject of foreign policy, a portion
of politics to which he had given considerable attention, it was answered by a quotation from the stockmarket; an observation on a matter of taste was
certain to draw forth a nice distinction between the
tastes of certain liquors, together with a shrewd investigation of their several prices; and once, when
the worthy monikin undertook to show, from what
struck me to be singularly good data, that the foreign
relations of the country were in a condition to require great firmness, a proper prudence, and much
foresight, he was completely silenced by an antagonist showing, from the last sales, the high value
of lots up-town!
In short, there was no dealing with any subject
that could not resolve itself into dollars, by means
of the customary exchanges. The infatuation spread
from father to son; from husband to wife; from




THE MONIKINS.            439
brother to sister, and from one collateral to an
other, until it pretty effectually assailed the whole
of what is usually termed " society."  Noah swore
bitterly at this antagonist state of things. He affirmed that he could not even crack a walnut in a
corner, but every monikin that passed appeared to
grudge him the satisfaction, small as it was; and
that Stunin'tun, though a scramble-penny place as
any he knew, was paradise to Leaplow, in the
present state of things.
It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of
the ordinary virtues grew dim, as the period of occultation continued, and the eye gradually got to be
accustomed to the atmosphere cast by the shadow
of Pecuniary Interest. I involuntarily shuddered
at the open and undisguised manner in which individuals, who might otherwise pass for respectable
monikins, spoke of the means that they habitually
employed in effecting their objects, and laid bare their
utter forgetfulness of the great postulate that was
hid. One coolly vaunted how much cleverer he was
than the law; another proved to demonstration that
he had outwitted his neighbor; while a third, more
daring or more expert, applied the same grounds
of exultation to the entire neighborhood. This had
the merit of cunning; that of dissimulation; another
of deception, and all of success!
The shadow cast its malign influence on every
interest connected with monikin life. Temples were
raised to God on speculation; the government was
perverted to a money-investment, in which profit.
and not justice and security, was the object; holy
wedlock fast took the aspect of buying and selling,
and few prayed who did not identify spiritual benefits with gold and silver.
The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon
began to appear in Leaplow. Many of these pure




440               THE MONIKIrS.
and unsophisticated republicans shouted "Property
is in danger!" as stoutly as it was ever roared by
Sir Joseph Job, and dark allusions were made to
" revolutions" and "' bayonets." But certain proof
of the prevalence of the eclipse, and that the shadow
of Pecuniary Interest lay dark on the land, was to
be found in the language of what are called the
"few."  They began to throw dirt at all opposed
to them, like so many fish-women; a sure symptom
that the spirit of selfishness was thoroughly awakened. From Inuch experience, I hold this sign
to be infallible that the sentiment of aristocracy is
active and vigilant. I never yet visited a country
in which a minority got into its head the crotchet
it was alone fit to dictate to the rest of its fellowcreatures, that it did not, without delay, set about
proving its position, by reviling and calling names.
In this particular "the few" are like women, who,
conscious of their weakness, seldom fail to make
up for the want of vigor in their limbs, by having
recourse to the vigor of the tongue.  The "one"
hangs; the "many" command by the dignity of
force; the "few" vituperate and scold.  This is, I
believe, the case all over the world, except in those
peculiar instances, in which the "few" happen also
to enjoy the privilege of hanging.
It is worthy of remark that the terms "rabble,"
"disorganizers," "jacobins," and "agrarians"* were
* It is scarcely necessary to tell the intelligent reader
there is no proof that any political community was ever so
bent on self-destruction as to enact agrarian laws, in the vul
gar sense in which it has suited the arts of narrow-minded
politicians to represent them ever since the revival of letters.
The celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially differ from the distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps
the similitude is greater to the modern Russian military colonies. Those who feel an interest in this subject would do
well to consult Niebuhr.-Note by the Editor.




THE MONIKINS.            441
bandied from one to the other, in Leaplow, undet
this malign influence, with precisely the same justice, discrimination and taste, as they had been used
by my ancestor in London, a few years before.
Like causes notoriously produce like effects; and
there is no one thing so much like an Englishman
under the property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin
suffering under the same malady.
The effect produced on the state of parties by
the passage of the shadow of Pecuniary Interest,
was so singular as to deserve our notice. Patriots
who had long been known for an indomitable resolution to support their friends, openly abandoned their
claims on the rewards of the little wheel, and went
over to the enemy; and this, too, without recourse
to the mysteries of the "flap-jack."  Judge People's
Friend was completely annihilated for the momentso much so, indeed, as to think seriously of taking
another mission-for, during these eclipses, long service, public virtue, calculated amenity, and all the
other bland qualities of your patriot, pass for nothing,
when weighed in the scale against profit and loss.
It was fortunate the Leapthrough question was, in its
essence, so well disposed of, though the uneasiness
of those who bought and sold land by the inch,
pushed even that interest before the public again
by insisting that a few millions should be expendeci
in destroying the munitions of war, lest the natior
might improvidently be tempted to make use of
them in the natural way. The cruisers were ac.
cordingly hauled into the stream and converted
into tide-mills, the gun-barrels were transformed
into gas-pipes, and the forts were converted, as fast
as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens. After
this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the
advanced state of civilization had rendered all future
wars quite out of the question. Indeed, the impetus




442              H-E MONIKINS..hat was given, ny the effects of the shadow, in this
way, to humanity in gross, was quite as remarkable as were its contrary tendencies on humanity
in detail.
Public opinion was not backward in showing how
completely it was acting under the influence of the
shadow. Virtue began to be estimated by rent-rolls.
The affluent, without hesitation, or, indeed, opposition, appropriated to themselves the sole use of the
word respectable, while taste, judgment, honesty,
and wisdom, dropped like so many heir-looms
quietly into the possession of those who had money.
The Leaplowers are a people of great acuteness,
and of singular knowledge of details. Every considerable man in Bivouac soon had his social station
assigned him, the whole community being divided
into classes, of " hundred-thousand-dollar monikins"
-" fifty-thousand-dollar monikins" —" twenty-thousand-dollar monikins." Great conciseness in language was a consequence of this state of feeling.
The old questions of' is he honest?''is he capable?''is he enlightened?''is he wise?''is he good?'
being all comprehended in the single interrogatory
of' is he rich?'
There was one effect of this very unusual state
of things, that I had not anticipated. All the moneygetting classes, without exception, showed a singular predilection in favor of what is commonly called
a strong government; and Leaplow being not only
a republic, but virtually a democracy, I found that
much the larger portion of this highly respectable
class of citizens, was not at all backward in expressing its wish for a change.
"How is this?" I demanded of the Brigadier,
whom I rarely quitted; for his advice and opinions
were of great moment to me, just at this particular
trisis —"how  is this, my good friend?-I have




THE MONIKINS.             443
always been led to think that trade is especially
favorable to liberty; and here are all your com.
mercial interests the loudest in their declamations
against the institutions."
The Brigadier smiled; it was but a melancholy
smile, after all; for his spirits appeared to have
quite deserted him.
"' There are three great divisions among politicians," he said;-" they who do not like liberty at
all-they who like it. as low down as their own
particular class-and they who like it, for the sake
of their fellow-creatures. The first are not numerous, but powerful by means of combinations; the
second is a very irregular corps, including, as a
matter of course, nearly every body, but is wanting, of necessity, in concert and discipline, since no
one descends below his own level; the third are but
few, alas, how few! and are composed of those
who look beyond their own selfishness. Now, your
merchants, dwelling in towns, and possessing concert, means, and identity of interests, have been
able to make themselves remarkable for contending
with despotic power, a fact which has obtained for
them a cheap reputation for liberality of opinion;
but, so far as monikin experience goes-men may
have proved to be better disposed-no government
that is essentially.influenced by commerce has ever
been otherwise than exclusive, or aristocratic."
I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse
Towns, and all the other remarkable places of this
character in Europe, and I felt the justice of my
friend's distinction, at the same time I could not
but observe how much more the minds of men
are under the influence of names and abstractions
than under the influence of positive things. To
this opinion the Brigadier very readily assented,
remarking, at the same time, that a well-wrough~




1444            THE MONIKINS.
theory had generally more effect on opinion than
fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the circumstance of monikins having a besetting predisposition
to save themselves the trouble of thinking.
I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the
occultation of Principle on motives. I had often
remarked that it was by no means safe to depend
on one's own motives, for two sufficient reasons;
first, that we did not always know what our own
motives were; and secondly, admitting that we did,
it was quite unreasonable to suppose that our
friends would believe them what we thought them
to be ourselves. In the present instance, every
monikin seemed perfectly aware of the difficulty;
and, instead of waiting for his acquaintances to
attribute some moral enormity as his governing
reason, he prudently adopted a moderately selfish
inducement for his acts, which he proclaimed with
a simplicity and frankness that generally obtained
credit. Indeed, the fact once conceded that the
motive was not offensively disinterested and just,
no one was indisposed to listen to the projects of
his friend, who usually rose in estimation, as he was
found to be ingenious, calculating and shrewd.
The effect of all this was to render society singularly sincere and plain-spoken; and one unaccustomed to so much ingenuousness, or who was
ignorant of the cause, might, plausibly enough,
suppose, at times, that accident had thrown him into
an extraordinary association with so many artistes,
who, as it is commonly expressed, live by their wits.
I will avow that, had it been the fashion to wear
pockets at Leaplow, I should often have been concerned for their contents; for sentiments so purely
unsophisticated, were so openly advanced under the
influence of the shadow, that one was inevitably
led, oftener than was pleasant, to think of the rela17 *




THE MONIKINS.             445
tions between meum and tuum, as well as of the
unexpected causes by which they were sometimes
disturbed.
A vacancy occurred, the second day of the
eclipse, among the representatives of Bivouac, and
the candidate of the Horizontals would certainly
have been chosen to fill it, but for a contre-tems
connected with this affair of motives. The individual
in question had lately performed that which, in most
ot er countries, and under other circumstances,
w,uld have passed for an act of creditable national
fe:ling; but which, quite as a matter of course, was
e gerly presented to the electors, by his opponents,; a proof of his utter unfitness to be intrusted with
leir interests. The friends of the candidate took
Lae alarm, and indignantly denied the charges of
the Perpendiculars, affirming that their monikin
had been well paid for what he had done. In an
evil hour, the candidate undertook to explain, by
means of a handbill, in which he stated that he had
been influenced by no other motive than a desire
to do that which he believed to be right. Such a
person was deemed to be wanting in natural abilities, and, as a matter of course, he was defeated;
for your Leaplow elector was not such an ass as to
confide the care of his interests to one who knew
so little how to take care of his own.
About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a piece in which the hero performed prodigies under the excitement of patriotism, and the
labor of his pen was incontinently damned for his
pains; both pit and boxes-the galleries dissenting —
deciding that it was out of all nature to represent a
monikin incurring danger, in this unheard-of manner, without a motive. The unhappy wight altered
the last scene, by causing his hero to be rewarded
by a good, round sum of money, when the piece
38




446              THE MONIKINS.
nad a very respectable run for the rest of the season, though I question if it ever were as popular as
t would have been, had this precaution been taken
Defore it was first acted.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
the importance of motives to a legislator-Moral consecut yeness, comets, kites, and a convoy; with some every buy
legislation; together with cause and effect.
LEGISLATION, during the occultation of the gre;
moral postulate Principle by the passage of Peck
niary Interest, is, at the best, but a melancholy
affair. It proved to be peculiarly so with us just
at that moment, for the radiance of the divine
property had been a good deal obscured, in the
houses, for a long time previously, by the interference of various minor satellites. In nothing,
therefore, did the deplorable state of things which
existed make itself more apparent, than in our
proceedings.
As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding
our having taken different stands in politics, still
continued to live together, I had better opportunities to note the workings of the obscuration on the
ingenuous mind of my colleague than on that of
most other persons. He early began to keep a diary
of his expenses, regularly deducting the amount at
night from the sum of eight dollars, and regarding
the balance as so much clear gain. His conversation, too, soon betrayed a leaning to his personal interests, instead of being of that pure and elevated
cast which should characterize the language of a




THED MONIKINS.           447
statesman. He laid down the position, pretty dogmatically, that legislation, after all, was work; that
" the laborer was worthy of his hire;" and that, for
his part, he felt no great disposition to go through
the vexation and trouble of helping to make laws,
unless he could see, with a reasonable certainty,
that something was to be got by it. He thought
Leaplow had quite laws enough as it was-more
than she respected or enforced-and if she wanted
any more, all she had to do was to pay for them.
He should take an early occasion to propose that
all our wages-or, at any rate, his own; others
might do as they pleased-should be raised, at the
very least, two dollars a day, and this while he
merely sat in the house; for he wished to engage
me to move, by way of amendment, that as much
more should be given to the committees. He did
not think it was fair to exact of a member to be, a
committee-man for nothin', although most of them
were committee-men for nothin'; and if we were
called on to keep two watches, in this manner, the
least that could be done would be to give us two
pays. He said, considering it in the most favorable
point of view, that there was great wear and tear
of brain in legislation, and he should never be the
man he was before he engaged in the trade; he
assured me that his idees, sometimes, were so complicated that he did not know where to find the one
he wahted, and that he had wished for a cauda, a
thousand times, since he had been in the house, for,
by keeping the end of it in his hand, like the bight
of a rope, he might always have suthin' tangible
to cling to. He told me, as a great secret, that he
was fairly tired of rummaging among his thoughts
for the knowledge necessary to understand what
was going on, and that he had finally concluded to
put himself, for the rest of the session, under the




448             THt MONIKINS.
convoy of a God-like. He had been looking out for
a fit fugleman of this sort, and he had pretty much
determined to follow the signals of the great Godlike of the Parpendic'lars, like the rest of them, for
it would occasion less confusion in the ranks, and
enable him to save himself a vast deal of trouble,
in making up his mind. He didn't know, on the
whole, but eight dollars a day might give a living
profit, provided he could throw all the thinking on
his God-like, and turn his attention to suthin' else; he
thought of writing his v'y'ges, for he understood
that anything from foreign parts took like wild-fire
in Leaplow; and if they did n't take, he could always
project charts for a living.
Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what
Noah meant by saying that he thought of engaging
a God-like. The reader has had some insight into
the nature of one set of political leaders in Leaplow, who are known by the name of the Most
Patriotic Patriots. These persons, it is scarcely
necessary to say, are always with the majority, or
in a situation to avail themselves of the evolutions
of the little wheel. Their great rotatory principle
keeps them pretty constantly in motion, it is true;
but while there is a centrifugal force to maintain
this action, great care has been had to provide a
centripetal counterpoise, in order to prevent them
from bolting out of the political orbit. It is supposed
to be owing to this peculiarity in their party organizations, that your Leaplow patriot is so very
remarkable for going round and round a subject,
without ever touching it.
As an off-set to this party arrangement, the Perpendiculars have taken refuge in the God-likes. A
God-like, in Leaplow politics, in some respects resembles a saint in the Catholic calendar; that is to
say, he is canonized, after passing through a certain




THE MONIKINS.             449
amount of temptation and vice with a whole skin
after having his cause pleaded for a certain number
of years before the high authorities of his party;
and, usually, after having had a pretty good taste
of purgatory. Canonization attained, however, all
gets to be plain sailing with him. He is spared,
singular as it may appear, even a large portion of
his former "wear and tear" of brains, as Noah had
termed it, for nothing puts one so much at liberty in
this respect, as to have full powers to do all the thinking. Thinking in company, like travelling in company, requires that we should have some respect to
the movements, wishes and opinions of others; but
he who gets a carte blanche for his sentiments,
resembles the uncaged bird, and may fly in whatever direction most pleases himself, and feel confident, as he goes, that his ears will be saluted with
the usual traveller's signal of "all's right."  I can
best compare the operation of your God-like and his
votaries, to the action of a locomotive with its railroad train. As that goes, this follows; faster or
slower, the movement is certain to be accompanied; when the steam is up they fly, when the fire
is out they crawl, and that, too, with a very uneasy
sort of motion; and when a bolt is broken, they
who have just been riding without the smallest
trouble to themselves, are compelled to get out and
push the load ahead as well as they can, frequently
with very rueful faces, and in very dirty ways.
The cars whisk about, precisely as the locomotive
whisks about, all the turn-outs are necessarily imitated, and, in short, one goes after the other very
much as it is reasonable to suppose will happen
when two bodies are chained together, and the
entire moving power is given to only one of them.
A God-like in Leaplow, moreover, is usually a Riddle. It was the object of Noah to hitch on to one of
38 *




450             THE MONIKINS.
these moral steam-tugs, in order that he too might
De dragged through his duties without effort to
himself; an expedient, as the old sealer expressed
it, that would, in some degree, remedy his natural
want of a cauda, by rendering him nothing but tail.
" I expect, Sir John," he said, for he had a practice of expecting by way of conjecture, "I expect
this is the reason why the Leaplowers dock themselves. They find it more convenient to give up
the management of their affairs to some one of
these God-likes, and fall into his wake like the tail of
a comet, which makes it quite unnecessary to have
any other cauda."
"I understand you; they amputate to prevent
tautology."
Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind
was fairly made up; and the execution usually soon
followed the proposition. The next thing I heard
of him, therefore, he was fairly under the convoy,
as he called it, of one of the most prominent of the
Riddles. Curious to know how he liked the experiment, after a week's practice, I called his attention
to the subject, by a pretty direct inquiry.
He told me it was altogether the pleasantest
mode of legislating that had ever been devised. He
was now perfectly master of his own time, and
in fact, he was making out a set of charts for the
Leaplow marine, a task that was likely to bring
him in a good round sum, as pumpkins were cheap,
and in the polar seas he merely copied the monikin
authorities, and out of it he had things pretty much
his own way. As for the Great Allegory, when he
wanted a hint about it, or, indeed, about any other,
point at issue, all he had to do was to inquire wha:
his God-like thought about it, and to vote accordingly. Then he saved himself a great deal of breath
in the way of argument out of doors, for he and




TtIE MONIKINS.            451
the rest of the clientelle of this Riddle, having offi.
cially invested their patron with all their own parts,
the result had been such an accumulation of knowledge in this one individual, as enabled them ordina.
rily to floor any antagonist by the simple quotation
of his authority. Such or such is the opinion of
God-like this or of God-like that, was commonly
sufficient; and then there was no lack of material,
for he had taken care to provide himself with a
Riddle who, he really believed, had given an opinion, at some time or other, on every side of every
subject that had ever been mooted in Leaplow. He
could nullify, or mollify, or qualify, with the best of
them; and these, which he termed the three fies, he
believed were the great requisites of a Leaplow
legislator. He admitted, however, that some show
of independence was necessary, in order to give
value to the opinions of even a God-like, for monikin nature revolted at anything like total mental
dependence; and that he had pretty much made
up his mind to think for himself on a question that
was to be decided that very day.
The case to which the Captain alluded was this.
The city of Bivouac was divided into three pretty
nearly equal parts, which were separated from each
other by two branches of a marsh; one part of the
town being on a sort of island, and the other two
parts on the respective margins of the low land.
It was very desirable to connect these different portions of the capital by causeways, and a law to that
effect had been introduced in the house. Everynody, in or out of the house, was in favor of the
project, for the causeways had become, in some
measure, indispensable. The only disputed point
was the length of the works in question. One who
is but little acquainted with legislation, and who has
never witnessed the effects of an occultation of




452             THE MONIKINS.
the great moral postulate Principle, by the orb of
Pecuniary Interest, would very plausibly suppose.hat the whole affair lay in a nut-shell, and that alD
we had to do was to pass a law ordering the cause.
ways to extend just as far as the public, conve.
nience rendered it necessary. But these are mere
tyros in the affairs of monikins. The fact was
that there were just as many different opinions and
interests at'work to regulate the length of the cause.
ways, as there were owners of land along their line
of route. The great object was to start in what was
called the business quarter of the town, and then to
proceed with the work as far as circumstances
would allow. We had propositions before us in
favor of from one hundred feet as far as up to ten
thousand. Every inch was fought for with as much
obstinacy as if it were an important breach that
was defended; and combinations and conspiracies
were as rife as if we were in the midst of a revolution. It was the general idea that by filling in with
dirt, a new town might be built wherever the causeway terminated, and fortunes made by an act of
parliament. The inhabitants of the island rallied en
masse against the causeway leading one inch from
their quarter, after it had fairly reached it; and, so
throughout the entire line, monikins battled for what
they called their interests, with an obstinacy worthy
of heroes.
On this great question, for it had, in truth, become
of the last importance by dragging into its consideration most of the leading measures of the day, as
well as six or seven of the principal ordinances of
Lhe Great National Allegory, the respective partisans logically contending that, for the time being,
nothing should advance a foot in Leaplow that did
not travel along that causeway, Noah determined
to take an independent stand. This resolution was




THE MONIKINS.            453
not lightly formed, for he remained rather unde.
cided, until, by waiting a sufficient time, he felt
quite persuaded that nothing was to be got by fol.
lowing any other course. His God-like luckily was
in the same predicament, and everything promised
a speedy occasion to show the world what it was to
act on principle; and this, too, in the mi4dle of a
moral eclipse.
When the question came to be discussed, the
landholders along the first line of the causeway
were soon reasoned down by the superior interests
of those who lived on the island. The rub was the
point of permitting the work to go any further.
The islanders manifested great liberality, according
to their account of themselves; for they even consented that the causeway should be constructed on
the other marsh to precisely such a distance as would
enable any one to go as near as possible to the hostile quarter, without absolutely entering it. To
admit the latter, they proved to demonstration,
would be changing the character of their own
island from that of an entrepot to that of a mere
thoroughfare. No reasonable monikin could expect it of them.
As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I
never understood, had satisfied themselves it might
better answer their purposes to construct the entire
work, than to stop anywhere between the two
extremes, my duty was luckily, on this occasion, in
exact accordance with my opinions; and, as a
matter of course, I voted, this time, in a way of
which I could approve. Noah, finding himself a free
agent, now made his push for character, and took
sides with us. Very fortunately we prevailed, all
the beaten interests joining themselves, at the last
moment, to the weakest side, or, in other words, to
that which was right; and Leaplow presented the




454             THE MON'IKINS.
singular spectacle of having a just enactment passed
during the occultation of the great moral postulate,
so often named. I ought to mention that I have
termed principle a postulate, throughout this narrative, simply because it is usually in the dilemma of
a disputed proposition.
No sooner was the result known, than my worthy colleague came round to the Horizontal side
of the house, to express his satisfaction with himself for the course he had just taken. He said it
was certainly very convenient and very laborsaving to obey a God-like, and that he got on much
better with his charts now he was at liberty to give
his whole mind to the subject; but there was suthin'
— he didn't know what-but "a sort of Stunin'tun
feeling" in doing what one thought right, after all,
that caused him to be glad that he had voted for
the whole causeway. He did not own any land in
Leaplow, and, therefore, he concluded that what he
had done, he had done for the best; at any rate, if
he had got nothin' by it, he had lost nothin' by it,
and he hoped all would come right in the end. The
people of the island, it is true, had talked pretty fair
about what they would do for those who should
sustain their interests, but he had got sick of a currency in promises; and fair words, at his time of
life, did n't go for much; and so, on the whole, he
had pretty much concluded to do as he had done.
He thought no one could call in question his vote,
for he was just as poor and as badly off now he had
voted, as he was while he was making up his mind.
For his patt, he shouldn't be ashamed, hereafter,
to look both Deacon Snort and the Parson in the
face, when he got home, or even Miss Poke. He
knew what it was to have a clean conscience, as
well as any man; for none so well knew what it
was to be without anything, as they who had'elt




THE MONIKINS.            455
by experience its want. His God-like was a very
labor-saving God-like; but he had found, on inquiry
that he came from another part of the island, and
that he did n't care a straw which way his kite-tail
(Noah's manner of pronouncing clientelle) voted.
In short, he defied any one say aught ag'in him
this time, and he was not sorry the occasion had
offered to show his independence, for his enemies
had not been backward in remarking that, for some
days, he had been little better than a speaking7
trumpet to roar out anything his God-like might
wish to have proclaimed. He concluded by stating
that he could not hold out much longer without
meat. of some sort or other, and by begging that I
would second a resolution he thought of offering, by
which regular substantial rations were to be dealt
out to all the human part of the house. The inhumans might live upon nuts still, if they liked them.
I remonstrated against the project of the rations
made a strong appeal to his pride, by demonstrating
that we should be deemed little better than brutes
if we were seen eating flesh, and advised him to
cause some of his nuts to be roasted, by way of
variety. After a good deal of persuasion, he prom.
ised further abstinence, although he went away
with a singularly carnivorous look about the mouth,
and an eye that spoke pork in every glance.
I was at home the next day, busy with my friend
the Brigadier, in looking over the Great National
Allegory, with a view to prevent falling, unwittingly, into any more offences of quoting its opinions, when Noah burst into the room, as rabid as a
wolf that had been bitten by a whole pack of
hounds. Such, indeed, was, in some measure, his
situation; for, according to his statement, he had
been baited that morning, in the public streets even,
by every monikin, monikina, monikino, brat and beg



gar, that he had seen. Astonished to hear that my
colleague had fallen into this disfavor with his constituents, I was not slow in asking an explanation.
The Captain affirmed that the matter was beyond
the reach of any explanation it was in his power to
give. He had voted in the affair of the causeway,
in strict conformity with the dictates of his conscience, and yet here was the whole population
accusing him of bribery-nay, even the journals
had openly flouted at him for what they called his
barefaced and flagrant corruption. Here the Captain laid before us six or seven of the leading journals of Bivouac, in all of which his late vote was
treated with quite as little ceremony as if it had
been an unequivocal act of sheep-stealing.
I looked at my friend the Brigadier for an explanation. After running his eye over the articles in
the journals, the latter smiled, and cast a look of
commiseration at our colleague.
"You have certainly committed a grave fault
here, my friend," he said, "and one that is seldom
forgiven in Leaplow-perhaps I might say never,
during the occultation of the great moral postulate,
as happens to be the case at present."
"Tell me my sins at once, Brigadier," cried
Noah, with the look of a martyr, "and put me out
of pain."' You have forgotten to display a motive for your
stand during the late hot discussion; and, as a matter of course, the community ascribes the worst
that monikin ingenuity can devise. Such an oversight would ruin even a God-like!"
"But, my dear Mr. Downright," I kindly interDosed, "our colleague, in this instance, is supposed.o have acted on principle."
The Brigadier looked up, turning nis nose into




THE MONIKINS.            457
the air, like a pup that has not yet opened its
eyes, and then intimated that he could not see the
quality I had named, it being obscured by the passage of the orb of Pecuniary Interest before its
disk. I now began to comprehend the case, which
really was much more grave than, at first, I could
have believed possible. Noah himself seemed staggered; for, I believe, he had fallen on the simple
and natural expedient of inquiring what he himself
would have thought of the conduct of a colleague
who had given a vote on a subject so weighty, without exposing a motive.
"Had the Captain owned but a foot square of
earth, at the end of the causeway," observed the
Brigadier, mournfully, "the matter might be cleared
up; but as things are, it is, beyond dispute, a most
unfortunate occurrence."
"But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more
a freeholder in Leaplow, than I am myself."
"True; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his
political friends."
"All the Horizontals were not in the majority;
for at least twenty went, on this occasion, with the
minority."
"Undeniable  et every monikin of them had a
visible motive. This owned a lot by the way-side;
that had houses on the island, and another was the
heir of a great proprietor at the same point of the
road. Each and all had their distinct and positive
interests at stake, and not one of them was guilty
of so great a weakness as to leave his cause to be
defended by the extravagant pretension of mere
Principle!"
"My God-like, the greatest of all the Riddles,
absented himself, and did not vote at all.'
"Simply because he had no good ground to
justify any course he might take. No public moni39




458             THE MONIKINS.
kin can expect to escape censure, if he fail to put
his friends in the way of citing some plausible and
intelligible motive for his conduct."
"How, sir! cannot a man, once in his life, do
an act without being bought like a horse or a dog
and escape with an inch of character?"
" I shall not take upon myself to say what men
can do," returned the Brigadier; "no doubt they
manage this affair better than it is managed here;
but, so far as monikins are concerned, there is no
course more certain to involve a total loss of character-I may say so destructive to reputation even
for intellect-as to act without a good, apparent
and substantial motive."
" In the name of God, what is to be done, Brigadier?"
" I see no other course than to resign. Your constituents must very naturally have lost all confidence in you; for one who so very obviously neglects his own interests, it cannot be supposed will
be very tenacious about protecting the interests of
others. If you would escape with the little character that is left, you will forthwith resign. I do not
perceive the smallest chance for you by going
through Gyration No. 4, both public opinions uniformly condemning the monikin who acts without
a pretty obvious, as well as a pretty weighty, motive."
Noah made a merit of necessity; and, after some
further deliberation between us, he signed his name
to the following letter to the Speaker, which was
drawn up on the spot, by the Brigadier.
MR. SPEAKER:-The state of my health obliges me to
return the high political trust which has been confided to me
by the citizens of Bivouac, into the hands from which it was
received. In tendering my resignation, I wish to express the




THE MONIKINS.               459
great regret with which I part from colleagues so every way
worthy of profound respect and esteem, and I beg you to
assure them, that wherever fate may hereafter lead me,
I shall ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable
member with whom it has been my good fortune to serve.
The emigrant interest, in particular, will ever be the nearest
and dearest to my heart.
Signed,      NOAH POKE.
The Captain did not affix his name to this letter without many heavy sighs, and divers throes
of ambition; for even a mistaken politician yields
to necessity with regret. Having changed the
word emigrant to that of "immigrunt," however,
he put as good a face as possible on the matter,
and wrote the fatal signature.  He then left the
house, declaring that he didn't so much begrudge
his successor the pay, as nothing but nuts were to
be had with the money; and that, as for himself, he
felt as sneaking as he believed was the case with
Nebuchadnezzar, when he was compelled to get
down on all-fours, and eat grass.
CHAPTER XIX.
Some exp]ulations —A human appetite-A dinner, and a
bonne bouche.
THE Brigadier and myself remained behind to
discuss the general bearings of this unexpected
event.
"Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir,)
I remarked, "reduces the Leaplow political morality very much, after all, to the level of the socialstake system of our part of the world."
"They both depend on the crutch of personal




460             THE MONIKINS.
interests, it is true; though there is, between them,
the difference of the interests of a part and of the
interests of the whole."
"And could a part act less commendably than
the whole appear to have acted in this instance?"
" You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment,
is under a moral eclipse. I shall not say that these
eclipses do not occur often, but they occur quite as
frequently in other parts of the region, as they occur
here. We have three great modes of controlling
monikin affairs, viz. the one, the few, and the
many- "P
" Precisely the same classification exists among
men!" I interrupted.
"Some of our improvements are reflected backwards; twilight following as well as preceding the
passage of the sun," quite coolly returned the Brigadier. "We think that the many come nearest to
balancing the evil, although we are far from believing even them to be immaculate. Admitting
that the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three
systems, (which we do not, however, for we think
our own has the least,) it is contended that the
many escape one great source of oppression and
injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which
physical weakness is compelled to make, in order
to protect itself against physical strength."
"This is reversing a very prevalent opinion
among men, sir, who usually maintain that the
tyranny of the many is the worst sort of all tyrannies.'
" This opinion has got abroad simply because the
lion has not been permitted to draw his own picture.
As cruelty is commonly the concomitant of cowardtee, so is oppression nine times out of ten the result
of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the
many, while it is not natural for the many to dread




THE MONIKINS.            461
the few. Then, under institutions in which the
many rule, certain great principles that are founded
on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly
recognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not,
more or less, influence the public acts. On the other
hand, the control of a few requires that these same
truths should be either mistified or entirely smothered; and the consequence is injustice."
"' But, admitting all your maxims, Brigadier, as
regards the few and the many, you must yourself
allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow itself,
monikins consult their own interests; and this, after
all, is acting on the fundamental principle of the
great European social-stake system."
" Meaning that the goods of the world ought to
be the test of political power. By the sad confusion
which exists among us, at this moment, Sir John,
you must perceive that we are not exactly under
the most salutary of all possible influences. I take
it that the great desideratum of society is to be
governed by certain great moral truths. The inferences and corollaries of these truths are principles,
which come of heaven. Now, agreeably to the
monikin dogmas, the love of money is' of the earth,
earthy;' and, at the first blush, it would not seem
to be quite safe to receive such an inducement as
the governing motive of one monikin, and, by a
pretty fair induction, it would seem to be equally
unwise to admit it for a good many. You will
remember, also, that when none but the rich have
authority, they control not only their own property,
but that of others who have less. Your principle
supposes, that in taking care of his own, the elector
of wealth must take care of what belongs to the
rest of the community; but our experience shows
that a monikin can be particularly careful of him.
self, and singularly negligent of his neighbor. There.
39 *




462             THE MONIKINS.
fore do we hold that money is a bad foundation for
power."
"You unsettle everything, Brigadier, without
finding a substitute."
" Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything,
and very difficult to find substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely doubt the wisdom
of setting up a qualification that we all know depends
on an unsound principle. I much fear, Sir John,
that, so long as monikins are monikins, we shall
never be quite perfect; and as to your social-stake
system, I am of opinion that as society is composed
of all, it may be well to hear what all have to say
about its management."
"Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins,
are not to be trusted even with the management of
their own concerns."
"Very true; but it does not follow that other
men, or other monikins, will lose sight of their own
interests on this account, if vested with the right
to act as their substitutes. You have been long
enough a legislator, now, to have got some idea
how difficult it is to make even a direct and responsible representative respect entirely the interests and
wishes of his constituents; and the fact will show
you how little he will be likely to think of others,
who believes that he acts as their master and not
as their servant."
"The amount of all this, Brigadier, is that you
have little faith in monikin disinterestedness, in any
shape; that you believe he who is intrusted with
power will abuse it; and therefore you choose to
divide the trust, in order to divide the abuses; that
the love of money is an'earthy' quality, and not to
be confided in as the controlling power of a state;
and, finally, that the social-stake system is radically




THE MONIKINS.            463
wrong, inasmuch as it is no more than carrying
out a principle that is in itself defective?"
My companion gaped, like one content to leave
the matter there. I wished him a good morning,
and walked up stairs in quest of Noah, whose car
nivorous looks had given me considerable uneasiness. The Captain was out; and, after searching
for him in the streets, for an hour or two, I returned
to our abode fatigued and hungry.
At no great distance from our own door, I met
Judge People's Friend, shorn and dejected, and I
stopped to say a kind word, before going up the
ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman,
whom one had met in good society and in better
fortunes, with every hair shaved from his body, his
apology for a tail still sore from its recent amputation, and his entire mien expressive of republican
humility, without a desire to condole with him. I
expressed my regrets, therefore, as succinctly as
possible, encouraging him with the hope of seeing
a new covering of down before long, but delicately
abstaining from any allusion to the cauda, whose
loss I knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise,
however, the Judge answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment, every appearance of selfabasement and mortification.
"How is this?" I cried; "you are not then miserable!"
"Very far from it, Sir John-I never was in
better spirits, or had better prospects, in my life."
I remembered the extraordinary manner in which
the Brigadier had saved Noah's head, and was fully
resolved not to be astonished at any manifestation
of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear demanding an explanation.
"Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find
a politician, who is apparently in the depths of des



464             THE MONIKINS.
pair, really on the eve of a glorious preferment.
Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow,
humility is everything. The monik-in who will take
care and repeat sufficiently often that he is just
the poorest devil going, that he is absolutely unfit
for even the meanest employment in the land, and
in other respects ought to be hooted out of society,
may very safely consider himself in a fair way to
be elevated to some of the dignities he declares
himself the least fitted to fill."
"In such a- case, all he will have to do, then,
will be to make his choice, and denounce himself
loudest touching his especial disqualifications for that
very station?"
"You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if
you would only consent to remain among us!" said
the Judge, winking.
"I begin to see into your management —after
all, you are neither miserable nor ashamed?"
"Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins of my calibre to seem to be
anything than to be it. My fellow-citizens are
usually satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now Principle is eclipsed, nothing is easier."
" But how happens it, Judge, that one of your
surprising dexterity and agility should be caught
tripping? I had thought you particularly expert,
and infallible in all the gyrations.  Perhaps the
little affair of the cauda has leaked out?"
The Judge laughed in my face.
"I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John.
Here have we proscribed caudce, as anti-republican,
both public opinions setting their faces against them;
and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a mile
long with impunity, if he will just submit to a new
dock when he comes home, and swear that he;s




THE MONIKINS.           465
the most miserable wretch going. If he can throw
in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplov
cats and dogs-Lord bless you, sir! they would
pardon treason!"
"I begin to comprehend your policy, Judge, if
not your polity. Leaplow being a popular government, it becomes necessary that its public agents
should be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally
delight in their own excellencies, nothing so disposes them to give credit to another, as his professions that he is worse than themselves."
The Judge nodded and grinned.
"But another word, dear sir-as you feel yourself constrained to commend the cats and dogs of
Leaplow, do you belong to that school of philocats,
who take their revenge for their amenity to the
quadi ipeds, by berating their fellow-creatures?"
The Judge started, and glanced about him as if
he dreaded a thief-taker. Then earnestly imploring
me to respect his situation, he added in a whisper,
that the subject of the people was sacred with him,
that he rarely spoke of them without a reverence,
and that his favorable sentiments in relation to the
cats and dogs were not dependent on any particular merits of the animals themselves, but merely
because they were the people's cats and dogs.
Fearful that I might say something still more disagreeable, the Judge hastened to take his leave, and
I never saw him afterwards. I make no doubt,
however, that in good time his hair grew as he
grew again into favor, and that he found the means
to exhibit the proper length of tail on all suitable
occasions.
A crowd in the street now caught my attention.
On approaching it, a colleague who was there was
kind enough to explain its cause.
It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been




466             THE MONIKINS.
travelling in Leaplow; and, not satisfied with this
liberty, they had actually written books concerning
things that they had seen, and things that they had
not seen. As respects the latter, neither of the public opinions was very sensitive, although many of
them reflected severely on the Great National
Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but as
respects the former, there was a very lively excitement. These writers had the audacity to say that
the Leaplowers had cut off all their caudce, and the
whole community was convulsed at an outrage so
unprecedented. It was one thing to take such a
step, and another to have it proclaimed to the
world in books. If the Leaplowers had no tails, it
was clearly their own fault. Nature had fornied
them with tails. They had bobbed themselves
on a republican principle; and no one's principles
ought to be thrown into his face, in this rude
manner, more especially during a moral eclipse.
The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails
threatened vengeance; caricaturists were put in
requisition; some grinned, some menaced, some
swore, and all read!
I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door
again, pondering on this singular state of society,
in which a peculiarity that had been deliberately
and publicly adopted, should give rise to a sensitiveness of a character so unusual. I very well
knew that men are commonly more ashamed of
natural imperfections than of those which, in a
great measure, depend on themselves; but then men
are, in their own estimation at least, placed by
nature at the head of creation, and in that capacity
it is reasonable to suppose they will be jealous of
their natural privileges. The present case was
rather Leaplow than generic; and I could only
account for it, by supposing that Nature had placea




THE MONIKINS.            467
certain nerves in the wrong part of the Leaplow
anatomy.
On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted
meat saluted my nostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactory nerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric
juices of the stomach. In plain English, I had very
sensible evidence that it was not enough to transport a man to the monikin region, send him to par.
liament and keep him on nuts for a week, to render
him exclusively ethereal. I found it was vain " to
kick against the pricks."  The odor of roasted
meat was stronger than all the facts just named,
and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and surrender to the belly. I descended incontinently to the
kitchen, guided by a sense no more spiritual than
that which directs the hound in the chase.
On opening the door of our refectory, such a
delicious perfume greeted the nose, that I melted
like a romantic girl at the murmur of a waterfall,
and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so lately
acquired, I was guilty of the particular human
weakness which is usually described as having the
"mouth water."
The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin
forbearance, and was enjoying himself in a pecu
liarly human manner. A dish of roasted meat was
lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he
turned them from me to the viand, in a way to render it a little doubtful whether I was a welcome
visiter. But that honest old principle of seamen
which never refuses to share equally with an ancien
messmate, got the better even of his voracity.
" Sit down, Sir John," the Captain cried, without
ceasing to masticate, "and make no bones of it.
To own the fact, the latter are almost as good as
the flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!"




468             THE MnNI"KINS.
I did niot wait for a second invitation, the reader
may be sure; and in less than ten minutes the dish
was as clear as a table that had been swept by
harpies. As this work is intended for one in which
truth is rigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not
remember any cultivation of sentiment which gave
me half so much satisfaction as that short and hurried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to the
very beau ideal of a dinner'! Its fault was in the
quantity, and not inr quality.
I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I
caught a glimpse of a face that seemed looking at
me with melancholy reproach. The truth flashed
upon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing
upon Noah like a tiger, I seized him by the throat,
and cried, in a voice of despair:"Cannibal! what hast thou done?"
"Loosen your gripe, Sir John —we do not relish
these hugs at Stunin'tun."
"Wretch! thou hast made me the participator
of thy crime! We have eaten Brigadier Downright!"
"Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel."
" Monster! give up thy unholy repast-dost not
see a million reproaches in the eyes of the innocent
victim of thy insatiable appetites?"
" Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are -friends.
I care not if I have swallowed all the Brigadiers in
Leaplow-off hands!":" Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!"
-Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by
the throat, on the retaliating principle, I soon had
some such sensations as one would be apt to feel
if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to
describe very minutely the miracle that followed.
Hanging ought to be an effectual remedy for many




THE  ONIBINS.            469
delusions; for, in:my case, the bow-string I was:under certainly did wonders in a very short time,
Gradually the whole scene changed. First came a
mist, then a vertigo; and finally, as the Captain relaxed his hold, objects appeared in new forms, and instead of being in our lodgings in Bivouac, I found myself in my old apartment in the Rue die Rivoli, Pari.
"King!" exclaimed Noah, who stood'before me,:red in the face with exertion; "this is no boy's
pltiy, and if it's to be repeated, I shall use a lashing! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a
man had eaten a monkey?"
Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just
as I had left it the morning we started for London,
on our Way to Leaphigh, was there. A table, in
the centre'of the room, was covered with sheets of
paper closely written over, Whidh, on examination,
I found contained this manuscript as'far as the last
chapter. Both the Captain and myself were attired
as usual'; I a la Parisienne, and he a la Stunin'tun.
A small ship, very ingeniously made, and very
accurately rigged, lay on the floor, with "Walrus"
written on her stern. As my bewildered'eye caught
a glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that,
having nothing to do except to look after my weltfare, (a polite way of characterizing'his ward over
my person, as I afterwards found,) he had employed
his leisiure in constructing the toy.
All was inexplicable. There was really the
smell of meat. I had also that peculiar sensation of fullness which is apt to succeed a dinner,
and a dish well filled with bones was in plain view.
I tooik up one of the latter, in order to ascertain its
genus. The Captain kindly informed'me that it
was the remains of a pig, which it had c6st him a
glet deal of trouble to obtain, as the French viewed
the act of eating a pig but'very little lss hfeinous
40




470            THE MONIKINS.
than the act of eating a child. Suspicions began to
trouble me, and I now turned to look for the head
and reproachful eye of the Brigadier.
The head was where I had just before seen it,
visible over the top of a trunk; but it was so far
raised as to enable me to see that it was still planted
on its shoulders. A second look, enabled me to
distinguish the meditative, philosophical countenance
of Dr. Reasono, who was still in the hussar-jacket
and petticoat, though, being in the house, he had
very properly laid aside the Spanish hat with be.
draggled feathers.
A movement followed in the ante-chamber, and
a hurried conversation, in a low earnest tone, succeeded. The Captain disappeared, and joined the
speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch
any of the intonations of a dialect founded on the
decimal principle. Presently the door opened, and
Dr. Etherington stood before me!
The good divine regarded me long and earnestly.
Tears filled his eyes, and, stretching out both hands
towards me, he asked: —
"Do you know me, Jack?"
"Know you, dear sir!-Why should I not 7"
"And do you forgive me, dear boy?"
"For what, sir?-I am sure, I have most reason
to demand your pardon for a thousand follies."
"Ah! the letter-the unkind-the inconsiderate
letter!"
" I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth: the last was anything but unkind."
"Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation"
I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth.
"Anna?"
"Is here-in Paris, —and miserable —most mise.
rable! —on your account."




THE MONIKINS.            471
Every particle of monikinity that was left in my
system instantly gave way to a flood of human sen
sations.
"Let me fly to her, dear sir-a moment is an
age!"
"Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say
to each other, nor is she in this hotel. To-morrow,
when both are better prepared, you shall meet."
"Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient
as a lamb."
"Never to separate, I believe it will be better to
say."
I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a
delicious relief from a most oppressive burthen of
sensations, in a flow of tears.
Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone
of mind. In the course of the day, many matters
were discussed and settled. I was told that Captain
Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing
fashion; and that the least I could do was to send
him back to Stunin'tun, free of cost. This was
agreed to, and the worthy but dogmatical mariner
was promised the means of fitting out a new
"Debby and Dolly."
" These philosophers had better be presented to
some academy," observed the Doctor, smiling, as
he pointed to the family of amiable strangers, " being already F. U. D. G. E's and H.O. A.X's. Mr.
Reasono, in particular, is unfit for ordinary society."
"Do with them as you please, my more than
father. Let the poor animals, however; be kept
from physical suffering."
"Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both
physical and moral."
" And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the
rectory?"'" The day after to-morrow, if you have strength.




472            THE  XONIKINS.
"And to-morrow?
"Anrna will see you."
"And the next day?"
"Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment
we think you perfectly restored, she shall share
your fortunes for the remainder of your common
probation."
CHAPTER XXX.
Explanations- A leave-taking-Love-Confessions, but no
penitence.
A NIGHT of sweet repose left me refreshed, and
with a pulse that denoted less agitation than on the
preceding day. I awoke early, had a bath, and sent
for Captain Poke to take his coffee with me, before
we parted; for it had been settled, the previous
evening, that he was to proceed towards Stunin'tun,
forthwith. My old messmate, colleague, co-adventurer, ind fellow-traveller, was not slow in obeying
the summons. I confess his presence was a comfort to me, for I did not like looking at objects that
had been so inexplicably replaced before my eyes,
unsupported by the countenance of one who had
gone through so many grave scenes in my company.
"This has been a very extraordinary voyage of
ours, Captain Poke," I remarked, after the worthy
sealer'had swallowed sixteen eggs, an omelette,
seven -cotelettes, and divers accessaries. " Do you
think of publishing your private journal?"
"Why, in my opinion, Sir John, the'less that
either of us says of the v'v'ge the bettert."
"And why so? We haveXad the discoveries of
Columbus, Cook, Vancouver and Hudson-why
not those of Captain Poke?"




THE MONIKINS.            473
"To own the truth, we sealers do not like to
speak of our cruising grounds-and, as for these
monikins, after all, what are they good for? A
thousand of them would n't make a quart of'ile, and
by all accounts their fur is worth next to nothin'."
1" Do you account their philosophy for nothing?
and their jurisprudence?-you, who were so near
losing your head, and who did actually lose your
tail, by the axe of the executioner?
Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling
about the seat of reason, with evident uneasiness.
Satisfied that no harm had been done, he very
co'r> y placed half a muffin in what he called his
L'ovision-hatchway."
s"You will give me this pretty model of our good
old Walrus, Captain?"
" Take it, o' Heaven's sake, Sir John, and good
luck to you with it. You, who give me a full-grown
schooner, will be but poorly paid with a toy."
A" It's as like the dear old craft, as one pea is like
another!"
" I dare say it may be. I never knew a model
that hadn't suthin' of the original in it."
"Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You
know i am to go and see the lady who is soon to
be my wife, and the diligence will be ready to take
you to Havre, before I return."
"Gsod bless you! Sir John, God bless you!"
Noah blew his nose till it rung like a French horn.
I thought his little coals of eyes were glittering,
too, more than common, most probably with
moisture. "You're a droll navigator, and make no
more of the ice than a colt makes of a rail. But
though the man at the wheel is not always awake,
the heart seldom sleeps.":"When the Debby and Dolly is fairly in the
40 *




474             THE MONIKINS.
water, you will do me the pleasure of letting me
know it."
" Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have,
however, a small favor to ask."
" Name it."
Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso
relievo carved in pine. It represented Neptune
armed with a harpoon instead of a trident; the Cap.
tain always contending that the god of the seas
should never carry the latter, but that, in its place,
he should be armed either with the weapon he had
given him, or with a boat-hook. On the right of
Neptune was an English gentleman holding out a
bag of guineas. On the other was a female who
I was told, represented the goddess of Liberty,
while it was secretly a rather flattering likeness of
Miss Poke. The face of Neptune was supposed
to have some similitude to that of her husband.
The Captain, with the modesty which is invariably
the companion of merit in the arts, asked permission to have a copy of this design placed on the
schooner's stern. It would have been churlish to
refuse such a compliment; and I now offered Noah
my hand, as the time for parting had arrived. The
sealer grasped me rather tightly, and seemed disposed to say more than adieu.
"You are going to see an angel, Sir John."
"How!-Do you know anything of Miss Etherington?"
"I should be as blind as an old bum-boat else.
During our late v'y'ge, I saw her often."
"This is strange!-But there is evidently something on your mind, my friend: speak freelv."
" Well, then, Sir John, talk of anything but of our
v'y'ge, to the dear crittur. I do not think she is
quite prepared yet to hear of all the wonders we
saw."




THE MONIKINS.           475
I promised to be prudent; and the Captain,
shaking me cordially by the hand, finally wished
me farewell. There were some rude touches of
feeling in his manner, which reacted on certain
chords in my own system; and he had been gone
several minutes before 1 recollected that it was time
to go to the Hotel de Castile. Too impatient to
wait for the carriage, I flew along the streets on
foot, believing that my own fiery speed would outstrip the zig-zag movement of afiacre or a cabriolet
deplace.
Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his appartement, and led me to an inner room without
speaking. Here he stood gazing, for some time,
in my face. with parental concern.
"She expects you, Jack, and believes that you
rang the bell."
"' So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose
a moment; let me fly and throw myself at her feet,
and implore her pardon."
"For what, my good boy?"
"FQr believing that any social-stake can equal
that which a man feels in the nearest, dearest, ties
of earth!"
The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to
curb my impatience.
" You have already every stake in society, Sir
John Goldencalf," he answered, assuming the air
which human beings have, by a general convention,
settled shall be dignified, "that any reasonable man
can desire. The large fortune left by your late
father, raises you, in this respect, to the height
of the richest in the land; and now that you are a
baronet, no one will dispute your claim to participate in the councils of the nation. It would perhaps
be better, did your creation date a century or two
nearer the commencement of the monarchy; but,




476             THE MONIKINS.
in this age of innovations, we must take things as
they are, and not as we might wish to have them."
I rubbed my forehead, for the Doctor had incidentally thrown out an embarrassing idea.
"On your principle, my dear sir, society would
be obliged to begin with its great-grandfathers to
qualify itself for its own government."
"Pardon me, Jack, if I have said anything disagreeable-no doubt all will come right in Heaven.
Anna will be uneasy at our delay."
This suggestion drove all recollection of the
good rector's social-stake system, which was exactly the converse of the social-stake system of
my late ancestor, quite out of my head. Springing
forward, I gave him reason to see that he would
have no farther trouble in changing the subject.
When we had passed an ante-chamber, he pointed
to a door, and admonishing me to be prudent,
withdrew.
My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob,
but the lock yielded. Anna was standing in the
middle of the room, (she had heard my footstep,)
an image of womanly loveliness, womanly faith,
and womanly feeling. By a desperate effort she
was, however, mistress of her emotions. Though
her pure soul seemed willing to fly to meet me, she
obviously restrained the impulse, in order to spare
my nerves.
"' Dear Jack!" —-and both her soft, white, pretty
little hands met me, as I eagerly approached.
Anna! —dearest Anna!"-I covered the rosy
fingers with kisses.," Let us be tranquil, Jack, and, if possible, endeavor to be reasonable, too."
"If I thought this could really cost one habit.
uallv discreet as you an efiort, Anna l




THE?ONIJINSZ.           477
"' One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel
strongly on meeting an old friend, as another."
" I think it would make me perfectly happy, could
I see thee weep."
As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into'
a flood of tears. I was frightened, for her sobs
became hysterical and convulsed. Those precious
sentiments which had been so long imprisoned in
her gentle bosom, obtained the mastery, and I
was well paid for my selfishness, by experiencing
an alarm little less violent than her own outpouring
of feeling.
Touching the incidents, emotions, and language
of the next half-hour, it is not my intention to be
very communicative. Anna was ingenuous, unreserved, and, if I might judge by the rosy blushes
that suffused her sweet face, and the manner in
which she extricated herself from my protecting
arms, I believe I must add she deemed herself
indiscreet in that she had been so unreserved and
ingenuous.
" We can now converse more calmly, Jack," the
dear creature resumed, after she had erased the
signs of emotion from her cheeks-" more calmly,
if not more sensibly."
" The wisdom of Solomon is not half so precious
as the words I have just heard-and as for the
music of the spheres   "
"It is a melody that angels only enjoy."
"And art not thou an angel. "
"No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girn; one
instinct with the affections and weaknesses of her
sex, and one whom it must be your part to sustain
and direct. If we begin by calling each other hy
these superhuman epithets, we may awake from
the delusion sooner than if we commence with believing ourselves to be no other than what wa




478             THE MONIKINS.
really are. I love you for your kind, excellent
and generous heart, Jack; and as for these poetical
beings, they are rather proverbial, I believe, for
having no hearts at all."
As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of
language-after ten years of marriage I am unwilling to admit there was any exaggeration of ideashe placed her little velvet hand in mine again,
smiling away all the severity of the reproof.
" Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly
assured, dear girl," I resumed after a moment's reflection. "All my old opinions concerning expansion and contraction are radically changed. I have
carried out the principle of the social-stake system
in the extreme, and cannot say that I have been at
all satisfied with its success. At this moment I am
the proprietor of vested interests which are scattered over half the world. So far from finding that
I love my kind any more for all these social stakes,
I am compelled to see that the wish to protect one,
is constantly driving me into acts of injustice against
all the others. There is something wrong, depend
on it, Anna, in the old dogmas of the political economists!"
" I know little of these things, Sir John, but to
one ignorant as myself, it would appear that the
most certain security for the righteous exercise of
power is to be found in just principles."
"If available, beyond a question. They who
contend that the debased and ignorant are unfit to
express their opinions concerning the public weal,
are obliged to own that they can only be restrained
by force. Now, as knowledge is power, their first
precaution is to keep them ignorant; and then they
quote this very ignorance, with all its debasing con.
sequences, as an argument against their participation in authority with themselves. I believe there




TR1  MON1KISS.           479
can be no safe medium between a frank admission
of the whole principle  -"
i"You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that
this is a subject on which I know but little. It ought
to be sufficient for us that we find things as they
are; if change is actually necessary, we should
endeavor to effect it with prudence and a proper
regard to justice."
Anna, while kindly leading me back from my
speculations, looked both anxious and pained.
" True-true" —I hurriedly rejoined, for a world
would not tempt me to prolong her suffering for a
moment. "I am foolish and forgetful, to be talking
thus, at such a moment; but I have endured too
much to be altogether unmindful of ancient theories. I thought it might be grateful to you, at
-least, to know, Anna, that I have ceased to look
for happiness in my affections for all, and am only
so much the better disposed to turn in search of it
to one."
" To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest
and highest of the divine commands," the dear
girl answered, looking a thousand times more
lovely than ever, for my conclusion was very far
from being displeasing to her. "I do not know
that this object is to be attained by centering in
our persons as many of the goods of life as possi
ble; but I do think, Jack, that the heart which love.
one truly, will be so much the better disposed to
entertain kind feelings towards all others."
I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now
began to talk a little more like people of the world,
concerning our movements. The interview lasted
an hour longer, when the good Doctor interposed
and sent me home, to prepare for our return to
England.
In a week we were again in the old island. Anna




480             THE MONIKINS.
and her father proceeded to the rectory, while I
was left in town, busied with lawyers, and looking
after the results of my numerous investments.
Contrary to what many people will be apt to
suppose, most of them had been successful. On the
whole, I was richer for the adventures; and with
such prospects accompanying the risks, I had little
difficulty in disposing of them to advantae. The
proceeds, together with a large balance of dividends that had accrued during my absence, was
lodged with my banker, and I advertised for further landed property.
Knowing the taste of Anna, I purchased one of
those town residences which look out on St. James's
Park, where the sight of fragrant shrubbery and
verdant fields will be constantly before her serene eyes, during the period of what is called a
London winter,-or from the Easter holidays to
midsummer.
I had a long and friendly interview with my
Lord Pledge, who was not a man to abandon a
ministry, but who continued in place just as active,
as respectable, as logical and as useful as ever.
Indeed, so conspicuous was he for the third of
these qualities, that I caught myself peeping, once
or twice, to see if he were actually destitute of a
cauda. He gave me the comfortable assurance
that all had gone on well in parliament during my
absence, politely intimating, at the same time, that
he did not believe I had been missed. We settled
certain preliminaries together, which will be explained in the next chapter; when I hurried, on the
wings of love, alias, in a post-chaise and four, towards the rectory, and to the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, truest girl in an island which has so many
of the sweet, the kind, the gentle and the true.




THE MONIKINS.            481
CHAPTER XXXI.
Bliss —The best investment in society-The result of mudh
experience, and The End.
THAT day two months found me at the rectory
of Tenthpig, the happiest man in England. The
season had advanced to the middle of July, and the
shrubbery near the bow-window of my excellent
father-in-law's library, was in full verdure. The
plant, in particular, whose flowers had so well
emulated the bloom of Anna's cheek, was rioting in
the luxuriance of renewed fertility, its odors stealing
gently over the senses of my young wife and myself, as we sat alone, enjoying the holy calm of a
fine summer morning, and that delicious happiness
which is apt to render the bliss of the first months
of a well-assorted union almost palpable.
Anna was seated so near the window that the
tints of the rose-bush suffused her spotless robe,
rendering her whole figure a perfect picture of that
attractive creature the poets have so often sung —a
blushing bride. The quiet light had to traverse a
wilderness of sweets before it fell on her bland features, every polished lineament of which was eloquent of felicity, and yet, if it be not a contradiction, I would also add, not entirely without the shadows of thought. She was never more lovely, and
I had never known her so subdued and tender, as
within the last half-hour. We had been speaking,
without reserve, of the past, and Anna had just
faithfully described the extreme suffering with which
she had complied with the command of the good
rector, in writing the letter that had so completely
unmanned me.
"I ought to have known you better, love, than to
41




482             THE MONIKINS.
suspect you of the act," I rejoined to one of her
earnest protestations of regret, and gazing fondly
into those eyes which have so much of the serenity,
as they have the hues, of heaven. "You never yet
were so unkind to one who was offensive; much
less could you willingly have plotted this cruelty
to one you regard!"
Anna could no longer control herself, but her
cheeks were wetted with the usual signs of feeling
in her sex. Then smiling in the midst of this little
outbreaking of womanly sensibility, her countenance
became playful and radiant.
"That letter ought not to be altogether proscribed, neither, Jack. Had it not been written,
you would never have visited Leaphigh, nor Leaplow, nor have seen any of those wonderful spectacles which are here recorded."
The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of
manuscript which she had just returned to me, after
its perusal. At the same time, her face flushed, as
vivid and transient feelings are reflected from the
features of the innocent and ingenuous, and she
made a faint effort to laugh.
I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this
subject is alluded to between us, I invariably feel
that there is a species of mistiness, in and about the
region of thought. I was not displeased, however,
for I knew that a heart which loved so truly would
not willingly cause me pain, nor would one habitually so gentle and considerate, utter a syllable that
she might have reason to think would seriously
displease.
"Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey
would always be remembered as one of the pleasantest events of my life; for, while it had its perils
and its disagreeables, it had also its moments of
extreme satisfaction."




THE MONIKINS.            483
"You will never be an adept in political saltation,
John!"
"Perhaps not-but here is a document that wil,
render it less necessary than formerly."
I threw her a packet which had been received
that morning from town, by a special messenger
but of whose contents I had not yet spoken. Anna
was too young a wife to open it without an approving look from my fond eye. On glancing over its
contents, she perceived that I was raised to the
House of Peers by the title of Viscount Householder. The purchase of three more boroughs, and
the influence of my old friend Lord Pledge, had
done it all.
The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is
in female nature to like to be a Viscountess; but,
throwing herself into my arms, she protested that
her joy was at my elevation and not at her own.
"I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknowledgment for your faith and disinterestedness in the
affair of Lord M'Dee."
" And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones,
nor red hair; and his accent was such as might
please a girl less capricious than myself!"
This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a
way to make me feel how near folly would have been
to depriving me of a treasure, had the heart I so
much prized been less ingenuous and pure. I drew
the dear creature to my bosom, as if afraid my rival
might yet rob me of her possession. Anna looked
up, smiling through her tears; and, making an effort
to be calm, she said, in a voice so smothered as to
prove how delicate she felt the subject to be:"We will speak seldom of this journey, deal
Tohn, and try to think of the long and dark journey
which is yet before us. We will speak of it, how




484             THE MONIKINS.
ever, for there should be nothing totally concealea
between us."
I kissed her serene and humid eves, and repeated
what she had just said, syllable for syllable. Anna
has not been unmindful of her words; for rarely,
indeed, has she touched on the past, and then
oftener in allusion to her own sorrows, than in
reference to my impressions.
But, while the subject of my voyage to the monikin region is, in a measure, forbidden between me and
my wife, there exists no such restraint as between
me and other people. The reader may like to know,
therefore, what effect this extraordinary adventure
has left on my mind, after an interval of ten years.
There have been moments when the whole has
appeared a dream; but, on looking back, and
comparing it with other scenes in which I have
been an actor, I cannot perceive that this is not
quite as indelibly stamped on my memory as those.
The facts themselves, moreover, are so very like
what I see daily in the course of occurrence around
me, that I have come to the conclusion, I did go
to Leaphigh in the way related, and that I must
have been brought back during the temporary
insanity of a fever. I believe, therefore, that there
are such countries as Leaphigh and Leaplow; an.d,
after much thought, I am of opinion that great jus
tice has here been done to the monikin character In
general.
The result of much meditation on what I witnessed, has been to produce sundry material changes
in my former opinions, and to unsettle even many
of the notions in which I may be said to have been
born and bred. In order to consume as little of the
reader's time as possible, I shall set down a summary of my conclusions, and then take my leave




THE MONIKINS.             485
of him, with many thanks for his politeness in reading what I have written. Before completing my
task in this way, however, it will be well to add a
word on the subject of one or two of my fellowtravellers.
I never could make up my mind relating to the
fact whether we did or did not actually eat Brigadier Downright. The flesh was so savory, and it
tasted so delicious after a week of philosophical
meditation on nuts, and the recollection of its plea
sures is so very vivid, that I am inclined to think
nothing but a good material dinner could have left
behind it impressions so lively. I have had many
melancholy thoughts on this subject, especially in
November; but observing that men are constantly
devouring each other, in one shape or another, I
endeavor to make the best of it, and to persuade
myself that a slight difference in species may exonerate me from the imputation of cannibalism.
I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not
very explicit on the subject of our voyage, it is
true; but, on the whole, I have decided that the
little ship he constructed was built on the model of,
and named after, our own Walrus, instead of our
own Walrus being built on the model of, and named
after, the little ship constructed by Captain Poke.
I keep the latter, therefore, to show my friends as
a proof of what I tell them, knowing the importance
of visible testimony with ordinary minds.
As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any
more of them. The former most probably continued
a "M kickee," until years and experience enabled him
to turn the tables on humanity, when, as is usually
the case with Christians, he would be very likely to
take up the business of a " kicker" with so much
the greater zeal, on account of his early sufferings,
41 *




486              THE MONIKINS.
To conclude, my own adventures and observa
tions lead to the following inferences, viz.That every man loves liberty for his own sake
and very few for the sake of other people.
That moral saltation is very necessary to politi
cal success at Leaplow, and quite probably in many
other places.
That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one
thing in France, another thing at Leaphigh, and
still a third in Dorsetshire.
That there is no sensible difference between motives in the polar region and motives anywhere else.
That truth is a comparative and local property,
being much influenced by circumstances; particularly by climate and by different public opinions.
That there is no portion of human wisdom so
select and faultless that it does not contain the
seeds of its own refutation.
That of all the'ocracies, (aristocracy and democracy included) hypocrisy is the most flourishing.
That he who is in the clutches of the law may
think himself lucky if he escape with the loss of his
tail.
That liberty is a convertible term, which means
exclusive privileges in one country, no privileges in
another, and inclusive privileges in all.
That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial
and humility are proposed as tenets, in direct contradiction to every man's senses.
That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences,
one being quite as demonstrable as the other, and
more too.
That philosophy, sound principles, and virtue, are
really delightful; but, after all, that they are no more
than so many slaves of the belly; a man usually
preferring to eat his best friend to starving.




THE MONIKINS.            487
That a little wheel and a great wheel are as
necessary to the motion of a commonwealth, as to
the motion of a stage-coach, and that what this
gains in periphery that makes up in activity, on the
rotatory principle.
That it is one thing to have a king, another to
have a throne, and another to have neither.
That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, is no reasoning for general uses.
That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our
cattle would break our necks; whereas, in Germany
we travel at a good pace, allowing the horse the
use of his eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even
a bit!
That the converse of what has just been said of
horses is true of men, in the three countries named.
That occultations of truth are just as certain as
the aurora borealis, and quite as easily accounted
for.
That men who will not shrink from the danger
and toil of penetrating the polar basin, will shrink
from the trouble of doing their own thinking, and
put themselves, like Captain Poke, under the convoy of a God-like.
That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us
from frauds, one outwitting us by gyrations and
flapjacks, and another by adding new joints to the
cauda.
That men are not very scrupulous touching the
numility due to God, but are so tenacious of their
own privileges in this particular, they will confide in
pla-usible rogues rather than in plain-dealing honesty.
That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing
facts, are People's Friends, and become the salt of
the earth-yea, even the Most Patriotic Patriots!
That it is fortunate "all -will come right in Hea




488             THE MONIKINS.
yen," for it is certain too much goes wrong on
earth.
That the social-stake system has one distinctive
merit; that of causing the owners of vested rights
to set their own interests in motion, while those of
their fellow-citizens must follow, as a matter of
course, though perhaps a little clouded by the dust
raised by their leaders.
That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in humanity; and that if he has any repetitior
of his treasure, it is better still.
That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine
quenches thirst; and therefore it is wise to commit
all our concerns to the keeping of those who have
most of it.
That others seldom regard us in the same light
we regard ourselves; witness the manner in which
Dr. Reasono converted me from a benefactor into
the travelling tutor of Prince Bob.
That honors are sweet even to the most humble,
as is shown by the satisfaction of Noah in being
made a Lord High Admiral.
That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as
a good moneyed stake in its advancement.
That though the mind may be set on a very improper and base object, it will not fail to seek a good
motive for its justification, few men being so hardened in any grovelling passion, that they will not
endeavor to deceive themselves, as well as their
neighbors.
That academies promote good fellowship in know
ledge, and good fellowship in knowledge promotes
F. U. D. G. E.s, and H. O. A. X.es.
That a political rolling-pin, though a very good
thing to level rights and privileges, is a very bad
thing to level houses, temples, and other matters
that might be named.




THE MONIKINS.            489
That the system of governing by proxy is more
extended than is commonly supposed; in one country a king resorting to its use, and in another the
people.
That there is no method by which a man can be
made to covet a tail, so sure as by supplying all
his neighbors, and excluding him by an especial
edict.
That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is
to dock itself at home, while its foreign agents
furiously cultivate caudce abroad.
That names are far more useful than things,
being more generally understood, less liable to
objections, of greater circulation, besides occupying much less room.
That ambassadors turn the back of the throne
outward, aristocrats draw a crimson curtain before
it, and a king sits on it.
That nature has created inequalities in men and
things, and, as human institutions are intended to
prevent the strong from oppressing the weak, ergo,
the laws should encourage natural inequalities as a
legitimate consequence.
That, moreover, the laws of nature having made
one man wise and another man foolish-this strong,
and that weak, human laws should reverse it all,
by making another man wise and one man foolish
-that strong and this weak. On this conclusion I
obtained a peerage.
That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Rid
dles, with many people, are, as a matter of course,
God-likes.
That the expediency of establishing the base of
society on a principle of the most sordid character,
one that is denounced by the revelations of God,
and proved to be insufficient by the experience of




490             THE MONIKINS.
man, may at least be questioned without properly
subjecting the dissenter to the imputation of being
a sheep-stealer.
That we seldom learn moderation under any political excitement, until forty thousand square miles
of territory are blown from beneath our feet.
That it is not an infallible sign of great mental
refinement to bespatter our fellow-creatures, while
every nerve is writhing in honor of our pigs, our
cats, our stocks and our stones.
That select political wisdom, like select schools,
propagates much questionable knowledge.
That the whole people is not infallible, neither is
a part of the people infallible.
That love for the species is a godlike and pure
sentiment; but the philanthropy which is dependent
on buying land by the square mile, and selling it by
the square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the just.
That one thoroughly imbued with republican
simplicity invariably squeezes himself into a little
wheel, in order to show how small he can become
at need.
That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring
whale's blubber to beef-steak, a native of the Gold
Coast cherishing his tom-tom before a band of
music, and certain travelled countrymen of our
own saying "Commend me to the English skies."
That arranging a fact by reason is embarrassing,
and admits of cavilling; while adapting a reason to
a fact is a very natural, easy, every-day, and sometimes necessary, process.
That what men affirm for their own particular
interests they will swear to in the end, although it
should be a proposition as much beyond the necessity of an oath, as that "black is white."
That national allegories exist everywhere, the




THE MONIKINS.             491
only difference between them arising from gradations in the richness of imaginations.
And finally:That men have more of the habits, propensi.
ties, dispositions, cravings, antics, gratitude, flapjacks, and honesty of monikins, than is generally
known.
I-TITE IFUTD