':-" t,




RULES OF ETIQUETTE
AND
HOME CULTURE;
OR,
WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT.
BY
PROP. WALTER R. HOUGHTON, A. M.; PRoOF. JAMES K. BECK, A. B.; PROP.
JAMES A. WOODBURN, A. B.; PROF. HORACE R. HOFFMAN,
A. B.; A. B. PHILPUTT, A. B.; F. E. LYSTER, A. M.,
AND MRS. W. R. HOUGHTON.
TWENTY-FIFTH        EDITION.
REVISED AND EXTENDED.
ILLUSTRATED.
CHICAGO AND NEW YORK:
RAND, MCNALLY & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS.
1893.




COPYRIGHT, 18989, Biy RAND, MCNALLY & CO.


Printers, Electrotypers, and Engravers..1 89 3.




PREFACE.
TaE design of this work is to furnish ample and
satisfactory information on all those subjects that are
embraced under the word "Etiquette," to the end that
the readers may have before them the best thoughts
on the topics for consideration.
The classification of the work is such that, by aid
of the Table of Contents, the place where any
topic or sub-topic is treated, can be found almost
instantaneously.
In addition to the subject matter properly belonging, to Etiquette, there is given much kindred information
collated from the most reliable sources.
That the book might be prepared in the best manner,
and free from the impress of one man's views, a
number of writers have been selected, whose education
and opportunities render them peculiarly fitted for
treating the subjects on which they have written. In
this way we are enabled to furnish the ladies and
gentlemen of America with the most complete work on
Etiquette that has yet been presented to the public.








TABLE OF CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.
THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE.
Intrinsic value - Exchangeable value-Value to society —Value to
gentlemen -Value to ladies- Value to the rich -Value to the middle classes —Value to the poor- Value to various kinds of business
-Value to churches - Value to governments and nations- Summary..........................................   13
CHAPTER II.
POLITENESS AND GOOD MANNERS.
Politeness - Home manners - Occasions for politeness - Rule of
politeness-The true gentleman -The true gentlewoman -Little
things - Advantages of good manners - Our manners show what
we are,............................................. 21
CHAPTER III.
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.
Civility- Education - Information- Character-Differences in social
intercourse............................................. 31
CHAPTER IV.
HOME, AND HOME ETIQUETJrTE.
Have a home to yourself - Companionship of husband and wifePoliteness at home -Good manners at home-Correct taste -Value
of manners......................................... 37
CHAPTER V.
CULTURE AT HOME.
The mother's influence - Honesty - Industry - Self-respect - Quarreling and complaining — "In honor preferring one another "- Obedience - Reading - Literature - Books - A library - Neatness - Good
language - Religious culture - Pursuit in life...................48
CHAPTER VI.
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
Affectation — The young lady in society; Dress-Affected converse
tion- Gossiping- Seek good society - Modesty- The young man in
society; Dress - Demeanor - Money.........................
(5)




6


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


CHAPTER VII.
INTRODUCTIONS.
General introduction - Introduction a social indorsement - Introduction
of a gentleman to a lady - Introduction without ceremony - How to
give an introduction - Introduction during calls - Introduction of
relatives - Mentioning titles - Necessary introductions - Claims of
an introduction,- Recognition - The "cut"- Introduction on the
street- Introduction of one's self -Shaking hands on introduction
- Written introductions - Delivering letters of introduction - Duty
of person addressed-Business letters of introduction............ 61
CHAPTER VIII.
SALUTATIONS AND GREETINGS.
Kinds of salutations- The bow —Salutation of the young to the old
-Avoidance of recognition -Bowing on promenades or in driving
-Some obsolete expressions-Words of greeting-Shaking handsThe kiss-The kiss of friendship-Kissing in public............ 73
CHAPTER IX.
CONVERSATION.
Address in conversation - Cultivating the memory - Correct talking -
Requisites for a good talker - Vulgarisms - The habit of listening -
Cheerfulness and animation - Compliments - Small talk - Flattery
- Satire and ridicule - Titles - Adaptability in conversation - How
a husband should speak of his wife - How a lady should speak of her
husband -- Impertinent questions - Vulgar exclamations - Conversing with ladies- Things to be avoided.......................... 79
CHAPTER X.
TABLE ETIQUETTE.
General importance — Cheerfulness in the dining-room - Children's
manners-Rules of table etiquette............................. 89
CHAPTER XI.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
General observations- Ostentation - Salutations- Whom to recognize
- The first to bow -" Cutting " - Keep to the right - Inquisitiveness
— Keeping step-Lady and gentleman walking together-Walking
arm-in-arm- Stopping people on the street - Where to look- Shopping etiquette- Public etiquette for men -Etiquette for public conveyances - Joining a lady on the street- Carrying packages -Opening the door-Answering questions-Street loafing- Smoking-Who
goes first - Street manners of a lady - Asking and receiving favorsAvoiding carriages-Street acquaintances —Walking alone in evening. 95




TABLE    OF CONTENTS.                     7
CHAPTER XII.
TRAVELING.
Introductory remarks-Duties of an escort-Duty of a lady to her
escort - One lady may escort another - Lady traveling alone —
Comfort and wants of others - The tourist — Forming acquaintances
-Retaining possession of a seat - Occupying too many seats.... 105
CHAPTER XIII.
RIDING AND DRIVING.
Learning to ride- The gentleman's duty as an escort - Assisting a lady
to mount- Assisting a lady to alight from her horse- Riding with
ladies -Driving and carriage etiquette....................... 111
CHAPTER XIV.
ETIQUETTE IN PUBLIC PLACES.
Importance of subject - Conduct in public conveyances - Conduct in
church - Conduct in a public hall - Conduct at public exhibits, fairs,
picture galleries,  etc................................. 119
CHAPTER XV.
ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.
Introductory - Formal calls- Morning calls - Evening calls —Choos.
ing a day - Rising to welcome a guest - Giving the hand -Introductions - Conversation - Show no partiality - Employment while
receiving - Refreshments - Engaged, or "Not at home" - Regrets
for Not at home - Keeping callers waiting —Use of visiting cards -
Hat, umbrella, gloves, and overcoat - The art of calling - Waiting in
the parlor - Taking a seat - Length of call - Looking at watch -
Laying aside the bonnet - Leave-taking - Arrival and departure of
others-Conversation without introduction-Falling among strangers
-Cutting calls short - Calling in companies - Taking a friend with
you - Taking children and pets with you - Calling on a friend who
has a visitor- Calling upon an invalid-Lady calling on a gentleman
- Calling on a person at lodgings - Calls after a party - Return of
a friend - The first call - Returning a first call - Cards and calls
of strangers - Calls made by card - "P. P. C." calls - Calls of congratulation - Visits of condolence - Friendly calls-Calls at summer
resorts-New   Year calls.....................................  127
CHAPTER XVI.
ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.
Introductory observations-Accepting invitations to visit - Unexpected
visits -Length of visit- Announcing length of visit -Conform
to habits of the house —Noticing unpleasant matters - Acquiesce




8


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


in plans of host-Invitations to visitor and host —Little trouble
as possible - Keep room neat - Helping the hostess - Leaving
hostess to herself - True hospitality- Urging guests to stay - Leavetaking......................................................  141
CHAPTER XVII.
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
Morning receptions " - Dress - Refreshments - Invitations - Musical
matinees- Country parties- Sunday hospitalities -Five o'clock tea,
coffee and kettle-drums - More formal entertainments -Balls — Preparations for a ball — The music- The dances- Introductions at a ball
- Receiving guests - An after-call - Supper - The number to invite
-Duties of guests - Suggestions for gentlemen - Duties of an escort
-R  ules for the ball room..................................... 147
CHAPTER XVIII.
DINNERS.
Invitations to dinner parties-Time- Some points to be observed in
giving a dinner-Entertainment-Setting the table-Number to
invite-Going out to dinner-Rules for eating.................. 161
CHAPTER XIX.
HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMEN.
The true woman-Force of character needed-Purity required —
Need of energy and independence - Girlhood a preparation for
womanhood............................................ 175
CHAPTER XX.
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
A gentleman's conduct toward young ladies —A lady's conduct toward
young gentlemen- Hasty proposals- The chaperon — Thorough
acquaintance before marriage-Unknown correspondents- Proper
manner of courtship-Parents oversight of their daughters-Vigilance required by parents - Marriage the happiest state - Require
ments for a happy marriage -Do not press an unwelcome suit -A
lady's first refusal-The rejected suitor-Engagement ring - Position
of an engaged woman - Position of an engaged man - Relations of
an engaged couple-Breaking an engagement.................. 185
CHAPTER XXI.
ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
The bridesmaids and groomsmen - The bridal costume - Costumes of
the bridegroom and ushers-Presents of the bride and bridegroom
- Ceremonials when there are no ushers or bridesmaids -The latest
ceremonials-The ushers duties-Weddings at home —Evening




TABLE OF CONTENTS.                         9
wedding - The wedding ring - What the bridegroom may pay forInvitations — Requirements of bridesmaids and ushers- Bridal
presents -June the favorite month- Arrangements for the ceremonies - Calls.........................................   197
CHAPTER XXII.
RULES OF CONDUCT.
Gracefulness- Awkwardness of attitude- Our moods - Gossip and
tale-bearing-A good listener - Coughing, sneezing, etc. - Removing
the hat - Talking of personalities - Unfavorable  opinions - A
woman's good name-Keeping engagements - Do not contradictSpeaking persons' names - Playing and singing in society- Smoking
-The breath - Emotion - Do not recall an invitation- Treatment of
inferiors - A checked conversation - Adapt yourself to others - Intruding on privacy - A lady driving with a gentleman - Be moderate
- Anecdotes, puns and repartees — Precedence to others-Vulgar
acts - General rules - Washington's maxims................... 207
CHAPTER XXIII.
ANNIVERSARIES.
The paper, cotton and leather weddings - The wooden wedding - The
tin wedding - The crystal wedding - The floral wedding- The silver
wedding- The pearl wedding-The china wedding - The coral
wedding-The bronze wedaing-The.golden wedding-The
diamond wedding- Origin of the wedding ring-Presents at anniversary weddings - Invitations to anniversary weddings - The marriage  ceremony...........................................  225
CHAPTER XXIV.
THE TOILET.
The bath-The skin- Freckles -Laughter as a beautifier- MolesOther disfigurements- Perfumes- The teeth- Decayed teeth —
Tartar on the teeth - Foul breath - Sleep - The feet - Treatment of
fetid perspiration of the feet - To protect the feet in walking - Treatment for chilblains and frosted feet - The toe nails - Treatment for
corns - The hand - Chapped hands - Warts — The influence of color
-The nails and moist hands — The eyes- Short sightedness- Squinteyes and cross-eyes-Rules to be observed in use of eyes -Inflamed
eyes-Sty on the eyelid - Eyebrows and lashes - To give brilliancy
to  the eyes —  Tle  hair......................................  235
CHAPTER XXV.
DRESS.
Consistency in dress -Extravagance in dress- Indifference to dressAppropriate dress- Gloves -Evening dress for gentlemen-Morning dress for gentlemen - Jewelry for gentlemen - Evening dress for
ladies-Ball dress-The full dinner dress-Dress of hostess at a
dinner party-Showy dress-Dress for receiving calls-Carriage
dress —Visiting costumes —Dress for morning calls-Morning dress




10


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


for street-The promenade dress —Some hints on dress —Opera
dress-The riding dress- A walking suit - Dress for ladies of business- Ordinary evening dress- Dress for social party- Dress for
church - Dress for the theatre - Dress for lecture and concert- Croquet, archery, and skating costumes- Bathing costume-Traveling
dress - The wedding dress - Dress of bridesmaids - Traveling dress
of a bride - Dress at wedding receptions- Mourning —Periods of
wearing mourning........................................... 257
CHAPTER XXVI.
PRESENTS.
Costly presents —Most suitable presents-Gifts to ladies-Gifts by
ladies - A gentleman's present to his betrothed - Gifts beyond one's
means - Receiving a gift - Referring to gifts.................. 275
CHAPTER XXVII.
BUSINESS.
General rules for business...................................... 279
CHAPTER XXVIII.
HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
Introductory remarks -Enumeration of colors that harmonize.... 283
CHAPTER XXIX.
LETTER WRITING.
Introductory-Letter-writing in the Middle Ages-Hints on letterwriting and stationery-Models of heading-The introductionModels of introductions — Body of the letter -The conclusion —
Models of conclusion-Folding-The superscription- Models of
superscription-The stamp-Completed models-A letter of introduction -Family letters- Letters of friendship -The business letterModels for brief business letters —Notes, drafts, bills, and receiptsLetters of congratulation and condolence - The love letter - RepliesRules of epistolary composition.............................. 291
CHAPTER XXX.
NOTES.
Style - French phrases - Wedding invitations - Announcements —
Anniversary weddings, dinners, parties, receptions, and balls - Acceptances and regrets — Superscription and delivery.....,.,....,... 329




TABLE OF CONTENTS.


11


CHAPTER XXXI.
CARDS.
The gentleman's card - The lady's card - The unmarried lady's card -
Husband and wife-Reception cards-Tea and coffee cards, etc." P. P. C." cards - Mourning cards - Miscellaneous invitations - The
art of leave  taking.........................................  339
CHAPTER XXXII
FUNERALS.
Invitation to a funeral - Funeral Larangements - The house of mourn.
ing-Funeral services ---The pall-bearers-Order of the procession
- Floral decorations- Calls upon the bereaved family - Habili.
ments of mourning........................................... 351
CHAPTER XXXIII.
WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.
Introductory statement- The President- Receptions at the White
House-Presidential State dinners-Members of the Presidential
family - New year's receptions at the White House- Order of official
rank - Cabinet officers - Senators and representatives........... 361
CHAPTER XXXIV.
FOREIGN TITLES.
Introductory remarks- Royalty- The nobility-The gentry-Esquire
- Imperial rank - European titles............................. 863
CHAPTER XXXV.
GAMES, SPORTS AND AMUSEMENTS.
General etiquette of games — Chess - Archery - Implements -Archery
clubs - Ladies' costume - Boating - Lawn tennis - Picnics - Etiquette of card playing...................................... 367
CHAPTER XXXVI.
LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.
Introduction - Tabulated statements............................. 879
CHAPTER XXXVII.
PRECIOUS STONES.
Introduction - Enumeration of precious stones................... 395




12


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


CHAPTER XXXVIII.
TOILET RECIPES.
To beautify the hair - To cleanse the hair - To remove dandruff - 1 o
preserve the hair - To prevent the hair from turning gray - Cure for
baldness - To restore gray hair - Hair remloved by fevers - Tonic for
the hair - Curling and crimping the hair — Brushing the hair - The
German's treatment of the hair - Hair dye - Hair oils and pomades -
For inflamed eyelids - Burned eyebrows - How to make bandoline -
For the care of the teeth - To clean black teeth - To clean the teeth
and gums - To beautify the teeth - Toothache preventive - Wash
for the teeth - To make lip salve - Remedy for chapped lips - Lotion
to remove freckles - To remove sunburn — Tan - Freckles - For
the complexion-Pimples on the face- Flesh worms- Soft skin -
Complexion wash - To prevent the face from chapping after shaving
-To make.cold cream — To remove wrinkles - To remove stains from
the hands - For chapped hands - To whiten the hands and arms -
To whiten the finger nails — Remedy for ringworm - Perspiration -
To ward off mosquitoes-For soft corns —To remove corns —Ingrowing toe nails - To remove warts - Remedy for chilblains - To
remove stains and spots from silk -To remove spots of pitch and
tar- To extract paint from garments - To remove stains from white
cotton goods —To remove grease spots —To remove grease spots
from woolen goods -To remove ink spots from linen - To remove
fruit stains - To take mildew out of linen - To clean silks and
ribbons- To wash lace collars- How to whiten linen- To clean
woolen - To clean kid gloves - To clean kid boots - To clean patent
leather boots - For burnt kid or leather shoes- To clean jewelry -
For cleaning silver and plated ware - How ladies can make their
own perfumes -Tincture of roses - Pot-pourri- How to make rose
water -Putting away furs for the summer - Protection against
moths —To remove a tight ring —To loosen stoppers of toilet
bottles....................................................   397




AMERICAN ETIQUETTE..       CHAPTER        I.
VALUE OF ETIQUETTE.
INTR1NSIC VALUE.
Pip0 estimate the real value of etiquette,
decorum, or good manners, is to
measure the breadth and scope of
[      8   modern civilization.  That culture
only is valuable which smooths the
rough places, harmonizes the imperfections, and develops the pure, the
good and the gentle in human character.
The revenge of the savage, the roughness of the barbarous, and the rudeness
of even some who claim to be civilized,
are all lost in the good will and suavity
of gentle manners. The efficiency and
usefulness of a liberal education are
dwarfed unless developed under the
genial influence of proper decorum. The actual
worth, then, of politeness is such as to make every
one who would be refined and cultured seek to culti
z e who would be refined and cultured seek toi: -~erw




14


AitERICAN ETIQUETTE.


vate it to such an extent as to make it practical in all
the walks of life.
EXCHANGEABLE VALUB.
"A man's manners are his fortune," is a saying as
true as it is old, as valuable as it is true. Many commodities are exchangeable, and money is the pivot
upon which they turn. This is not less true of good
manners than it is of the theories of the political economist. Who will number the times fortune has smiled
upon penniless men who have had a good countenance
and a pleasing address at their command? Good manners are made a leading business qualification in all
pursuits. Neither sex is exempt, and the best positions with the fattest salaries are always commanded
by the best mannered, most courteous individuals.
Then, as an avenue to wealth and position, good
manners constitute a desirable acquisition.
VALUE TO SOCIETY.
What is called society would be impossible were it
not for the laws and usages of etiquette. So many
interests aie to be served-some to be protected,
others to be restrained, and still others to be allowed
the privilege of growth and expansion-that all these
could not' be done without some acknowledged standard of action, of which all may acquire some information both on entering and while in society. The best
manners are to be found in the society of the good,
and they are only the outgrowth of wvhat is actually
essential to regulate intercourse among such people.
Man can not do without society, and society can not
be maintained without customs and laws; tberefoi




VALUE OF ETIQUETTE.


15


we have only to think of the mistakes, the heart-burnings and the mortifications which are the experience
of the unrefined and ill-mannered, to see how valuable
to society is a knowledge of the rules of decorum.
VALUE TO GENTLZMEN.
The name gentleman indicates one who is gentle,
mild, even-tempered. Some are born so, and will
naturally exercise these qualities in having to do with
their fellows. Many have these qualities to acquire,
and some, at least, have to use them as a cloak to gain
admission to circles otherwise closed against them.
The polished way, smooth speech and easy bearing of
a complete gentleman pleasurably affect any company
of persons, neither are they soon forgotten. Unconsciously we imitate them, and thus the grace of good
behavior becomes an influence well worth the while of
any one who would be a gentleman, to seek it. A
VALUE TO LADIES.
Woman is peculiarly the organizer and refiner of
elegant society. Men will seek the essential principles, but all the nicety and elegance of polished manners must and do come through woman. A woman
rude and uncultured in her manners, however beautiful
in person she may be, is like an uncut diamond, whose
sparkle and lustre, though' like that of the dog-star,
are lost by the roughness of the exterior. The graceful mien and pleasing address of a cultured and refined
woman make her a favorite in every company, and the
radiant of a courtesy as wide and as luminous as her
manners are pleasing. Worthy men strive to please
and honor noble, virtuous, amiable women. So that




16


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


woman, who by her courtesy has acquired these attributes, has in her power the touch-stones which test
and at the same time claim the best society among
gentlemen.
VALUE TO THE RICH.
Riches are desirable, but many a one who has had
money at his command has been entirely unable to
find ingress to good society. The basis of etiquette
does not rest upon money, neither will money buy
good manners. Yet the rich seek the culture and the
courtesy of good society,because of the finish and the
eclat thus given to their wealth and their homes.
VALUE TO THE MIDDLE CLASSES.
In society there is a large class of persons who, without being affluent, still have sufficient of this world's
goods to enable them to enjoy much of the culture
and refinement which may come of education and
right training in the customs of courtesy. To these
the practice of good manners is especially enjoyable,
because it affords them the amenities and the pleasurable things of life, without its troubles and vexations.
These persons hold, too, the balance of power in social
life. Their culture and their courtesy give them admission to the houses of the rich, and at the same time
permit them to elevate the society of their poorer
friends. The great majority of our best writers and
most cultured speakers have sprung from the ranks
of this class. To these, more than to any other class,
are we indebted for the invention and application of
those rules of conduct which serve to make social life
more attractive and more desirable than it could




VALUE OF ETIQUETTE.


17


otherwise be. To people of this class we look for a
large application and a more liberal interpretation of
the Golden Rule, upon whose principles all real etiquette must rest. Then, to those who must be the
adjusters of the arrogance in the rich and the selfdeprecation in the poor, a correct knowledge of the
usages of polite society can not but be of inestimable
value.
VALUE TO THE POOR.
It is the birthright of an American citizen to rise
from the ranks of poverty to the highest gift of the
people, if he but possess the ability. Whatever the
circumstances, no one likes to admit his poverty. Of
all things which make us most easily forget a man's
poverty, the practice of good manners is most efficient.
One's clothing may be naught but rags and tatters,
but if he bear. the impress of a gentleman he is honored
and respected by all. The graceful air and self-reliant
feeling which belong to a well-bred man, are the most
effectual antidotes for the stings of poverty. Many a
poor man, not only in this but in other lands, has
found his way into the society of the best, only on the
favor granted because of his manners. One may be
poor, yet if he possess good manners and an amiable
style in his intercourse with people, his poverty is soon
lost amid the good will and friendly feeling created
among his associates. Therefore let the young man
or the young woman of humble circumstances take
courage and set to work at once to acquire a knowledge of the laws and usages of good society.




18


18AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


VALUE TO VARIOUS KINDS OF BUSINESS.
Most of the laws of business are based upon the
Golden Rule.   One who has gained for himself a
practical knowledge of this rule is fit for any business.
What one of the learned professions would thrive
without the aid of proper behavior in its practice? In
the physician's efforts to alleviate pain and disease,
how valuable to him is a knowledge of what is proper
and right in his social treatment of patients. Who
has not heard of a physician unsuccessful in his
practice because he did not observe good manners?
Every successful lawyer soon discovers the benefit of
good breeding in his dealings with his clients. Who
has not heard it asked about a minister, "Are his
social qualities good "-meaning nothing more nor
less than an estimate of a pastor's ability to exercise
good manners and genial behavior among his people.
Such knowledge is equally useful to the teacher, who
must in turn shape the manners of his pupils. Where
do we find more agreeable or more polite men, women
and boys, than in the clerks, sales-women and cashboys of the large mercantile establishments of our cities
and towns? Every business is pervaded, more or less,
by the influence of good behavior and gentle manners.
Hence, who can venture to undertake any business
except he first acquaint himself with what is right as
to his manners and conduct?
VALUE TO CHURCHES.
As disciples of the great Master we would naturally
expect the best manners to be found among Christians.
'hlis as a rule is true, and as a result these teachings




VALUE OF ETIQUETTE.


19


are practiced to a greater or less extent in all places of
worship. Besides this, various classes of persons collect in our churches. This calls for some plan of
action and mode of intercourse which shall cause the
least trouble and the easiest and most harmonious
action among all interested. The minister has his rule
of action, and so have the pews. Churches ought not
to be places to which people go to see and be seen.
Therefore a respectful and reverent manner is necessary to worship properly in any church. Quiet, and
attention to proper behavior in church, are always
marks of good breeding, and they are valuable in helping to make the services and the teachings of the sanctuary useful and beneficial to all engaged in them.
VALUE TO GOVERNMENTS AND NATIONS.
France has long been considered the politest nation
of the modern world. Greece held sway in this particular among the ancients.  The two nations have
stood foremost during their respective ages.  The
culture of Athens, the grace and gayety of Paris, have
long been proverbial. The "free and easy" manners
of America, as compared with the stiffness and severe
propriety of England, strike a balance in favor of the
Republic. French influence, language and manners
have long moved the courts of the continent. French
diplomacy only gave way to the energy and persistence
of the Prussian Bismarck. Here we are confronted
by the code of manners which governments have
found it necessary to institute. Not even Republican
America is exempt from this necessity. Washington
etiquette stands side by side with that of the Court of




20


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


St. James and St. Cloud. The decorum of a capital
must necessarily influence the conduct of all officials
belonging to the government. Without this formality
and system the dignity and self-respect of a nation
could not be preserved. As it is, the weakest nation
claims recognition and honor at the hands of the
strongest; and the mildest government as thoroughly
influences the diplomacy and courtesy of the world
as does the most severe.  So thoroughly does the
observance of propriety and etiquette pervade the
actions of governments, that the Golden Rule is more
thoroughly observed among nations than it is among
individuals.
SUMMARY.
Good manners are great helps in the work of life.
From individuals to governments, from nations to
communities, their value is seen and appreciated.
Politeness in the hourly intercourse of life pours oil
upon the troubles and vexations of business, and
smooths away most of the rudeness that otherwise
might jar upon our nerves. " In honor preferring one
another," is the great secret of good manners. An
Indian Chief, at an official interview with President
Jackson, was as graceful as Henry Clay. He was
asked, "How is it that you are so graceful, never
having studied etiquette "  "Ah," said the Chief,
"I have no mad in me now."  So it is with us all.
With the good will of the Master in the heart, the
practice of the rules of good breeding is easy. Study,
observation, experiment, will make any one master of
this great accomplishment.




CHAPTER II.


POLITENESS AND GOOD MANNERS.
T will be accepted as a
truism, that the heart
should be educated as
well as the mind an.r
body. Good behavior,
a pleasing carriage, civility, decent and respectful deportment, are the
products of an educated
heart. The cultivation of
these traits, called, in a
word, good manners, is a
very important part in the
education of every person
of whatever call or rank in
life. It may not be possible for every one to cultivate and expand the powers of his mind, but it is
possible and requisite for every one who would associate with his fellow men, to learn and practice pleasing, affable manners. We believe it is as much a duty
(21)




22


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


to be genteel, courteous, gentlemanly or lady like, as
it is to be honest or truthful. So it is as essential that
our children and young people should be carefully
instructed in the principles of good manners, as it is
that they should be developed intellectually, or encouraged to become intelligent, to improve. A graceful
bearing and pleasing ways are not picked up in a day;
they are not assumed and thrown aside as occasion
may demand, but come to us as the result of careful
attention and long practice. Man has been made a
social being. Whether he wishes it or not, he can not
very well help associating with his fellow men. In these
associations he may be agreeable, pleasant and amia.
ble, or he may be disagreeable, rough, vulgar and unbearable. That ease and gracefulness of manner,
arising from a desire to please others, giving careful
attention to the wants of 'others, which make one
pleasing, attractive and sometimes even lovable, may
properly be termed
POLI TENESS.
The importance of being polite can not be overstated.
Of all social acquirements of the present day it stands
first. To have a place in good society, to be respectable
or respected, to be a gentleman or a lady, one must be
polite. Taking for granted, as we ought, the importance
of this attribute of excellence, let us ask ourselves what
true politeness implies. Politeness is a virtue. Like
character, it has a great deal to do with what a man is.
If it does not rank with the virtues of truth, honesty
and love for fellow men, it is the outgrowth of them,
and at the same time the index to them. True politeness is a heart product. If a man be truthful, honest,




POLITENESS AND GOOD MANNERS.


23


forbearing and unselfish-in short, full of love for his
fellow men, he will be polite. The rules of etiquette
which he observes are a mere outward expression, a
form assumed by that politeness. So it can be truly
said that goodness is the parent of politeness, as badness is the parent of vulgarity; for bad temper is
vulgar; selfishness is vulgar; greediness, prevarication, lying and dishonesty are vulgar-in short, vice
is vulgar.  Seeing, then, that true politeness is more
important than simple, outward acts, that it is deeper
than surface work, more lasting than the impression of
temporary behavior, more like character than reputation, how important is the cultivation of politeness, or
HOME MANNERS.
All education begins at home. The home is the most
powerful and really the most effective institution on
earth for training the rising generation. Home influence is the truest character moulder; and if continued
from infancy through early childhood to manhood, it
will shape the moral and intellectual man or woman
in spite of all outside directive power. For this influence is early, coming with the first possibilities of
man, and therefore most impressive; it is constant,
continuing through all the formative period of life.
The child who never learns anything at home will
never know much, whether in science, morals or
religion. Here he forms his habits-either habits of
idleness, ignorance and vice, or habits of industry,
intelligence and virtue-and as the twig is bent the
tree will grow. Then "good manners, like charity,
must begin at home."  As parents teach their children
truth, honesty, love, let them teach their outward forms




24


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


in acts of unselfishness and kindness, i. e., politeness.
Let our children be trained in an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness from the nursery upwards; let
them grow up in a home where a rude gesture or an
ill-tempered word are alike unknown; where between
father and mother, master and servant, mistress and
maid, friend and friend, parent and child, prevails
the law of truth, of kindness, of consideration for
others, and they will carry into the world naught of
coarseness, of untruthfulness, or of vulgarity of any
kind.  Parents should be what they wish their
children to be. In no place does the observance of
the rules of good manners bear more gratifying results
than in the home circle, where, stripped of their mere
formality, tempered with love, and fostered by all
kindly impulses, they improve the character and bear
their choicest fruits. "Train up a child in the way he
should go, and when he is old he will not depart from
it," is a rule of wisdom which works well in this as in
all other departments of life. While there is such a
thing as native politeness, while a child may naturally
know to do certain things and to refrain from doing
certain things, yet, in the main, acts of politeness are
the result of training, of education, of good breeding.
OCCASIONS FOR POLITENESS.
Politeness is not like a robe of state, to be worn only
on special and great occasions. It is like kindness of
heart,-a permanent quality. A mean, coarse and
vulgar man may know and observe all the rules of
etiquette; he may assume politeness at certain times;
but in many little ways, of which there are a thousand,
he will display his character, he will show that he is




POLITENESS AND GOOD MANNERS.


25


not capable of being truly polite.,The truly polite
man, acting from a high sense of right and wrong, is
the same, in his intercourse with men, at all times,
in all places, with all persons, under all circumstances.
This quality of the heart is not confined to a district or
to a class; it does not belong only to the rich, the
courtly, or those in high estate; but being only "real
kindness kindly expressed," it may be met with in the
hut of the Arab, in th3 lowly hovel of the freedman,
in the poor cottage of the peasant. No person can be
so insignificant or mean that politeness can be dispensed with toward him. No circumstance however
unimportant, no observance however minute, can be
passed by as trivial if they tend to spare the feelings
of others. If we see a person in embarrassment or
under trial, politeness will lead us into sympathy with
him. The universal
RULE OF POLITENESS
is the great rule of morals: " Do unto others as you
would have others do unto you."  Every unfeeling
and unkind act is rude and impolite.
THE TRUE GENTLEMAN
will never forget that if he is bound to exercise courtesy and kindness in his intercourse with the world,
he is doubly bound to do so in his intercourse with
those who depend upon him for advice, protection and
example. However high his station he does not bear
an air of condescension or pride, and the humblest
man feels instantly at ease in his presence; he is
respectful and patient, distinguished above all things
for his quick and active sympathy, his unwilling



26


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


ness to cause pain, his readiness to speak a pleasant word to relieve embarrassment. He is frank and
cordial in his bearing toward others, and by his graceful and pleasing speech and manners he wins the
respect and admiration of all with whom he comes in
contact.
THE TRUE GENTLEWOMAN
will show as much courtesy, and observe all the little
details of politeness as unfailingly toward her parents,
husband and family, or even toward her own domestics,
as towa. the most distinguished stranger.  She is
amiable. General amiability has been given as another
term for politeness. An amiable person is one who is
pleasing, attractive, friendly and lovable; and we consider it inconsistent to think of an amiable person
being impolite.
Such, we think, are some of the truths concerning
this law of manners called politeness.
LITTLE THINGS.
A great many people who wish to be regarded as
well-mannered, pass by many slight acts of courtesy
as trifles. The petty incivility or slight rudeness or
neglect, arising from thoughtlessness or lack of foresight, should be carefully guarded against.
A person is judged as much by his little acts as by
more important ones; little acts may render him disagreeable or offensive. As little grains of sand make up
the shore, so little acts make up the great aggregate of
human intercourse. A pleasant smile, a kind word or
look, little acts of good humor-and with these we can
afford to be generous as the sun-are as welcome in
any place and at all times as P wise discourse in con



POLITENESS AND GOOD MANNERS.


27


versation, sallies of wit or refinements of understanding. It is only by attention to little things that we
can become mannerly. A great many rules of etiquette
are made to cover these trifles. It is not our purpose
in this chapter to lay down specific rules for our conduct in society; that is done fully elsewhere. But
while on the topic of little things, we regard it in place
to suggest a few things which, though little in themselves, and, we regret to say, quite common, are yet
regarded by all persons of refinement as acts showing
a lamentable lack of good breeding. We may truly
say that it has always been regarded as unequivocally
vulgar to yawn in the presence of others, to beat time,
to hum or whistle, to lounge, to lean against the wall,
to put your feet on a chair, or to do anything which
shows indifference, selfishness or disrespect. Snuffling,
spitting, hawking, scratching the head, gulping, picking the teeth, and blowing the nose, should be avoided
in society. It has often been observed that the lady
who sits cross-legged or side-ways on a chair, who
twirls her trinkets or picks at anything, or a man who
sits across his chair, bites his nails, or nurses his leg,
manifest an unmistakable want of good breeding. A
well-bred person never elbows his way in a crowd, nor
forces himself, at concerts and lectures, into a seat
which is already full. All these may be little things,
but they must be closely observed if we would be
regarded as persons of good manners.
ADVANTAGES OF GOOD MANNERS.
It does not matter in what work in life a man may
be engaged, his chances for success are greatly increased by the cultivation and practice of good




28


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


manners. The lawyer at the bar wins his jury oftentimes by his manner; the physician inspires confidence
in his patients greatly by his manner; the orator
convinces by his delivery; the politician who would
be popular among the masses, and cultivate their good
will, prizes highly the tact of pleasing by his manner;
the business man can have no better paying investment
than the accustomed exercise of attractive and pleasing manners; the minister in the pulpit may demand
the attention of his hearers, showing them that he has
something to say, and knows how to say it, by his
manner. Thus, in all departments of activity pleasing
manners will prove an inestimable advantage. "Good
manners" can not be made a narrow or technical
term. Consisting, as they do, in a constant maintenance of self-respect, along with attention and respect
to others; in correct language, gentle tones of voice,
ease and quietness in movement and action, who can
estimate their importance in social intercourse? Says
an eminent writer on etiquette: "The knowledge of
what is done and what is not done by persons of
refinement and cultivation, gives to its possessor the
consciousness of feeling thoroughly at ease in whatever sphere he may happen to move, and causes him
to be considered well-bred by all with whom he may
come in contact. In conversation, good manners
restrain the vehemence of personal or party feelings,
and promote that versatility which enables persons to
converse readily with strangers, and take a passing
interest in any subject that may be addressed to them.
To listen with patience, however prosy our entertainer
may be; to smile at the thrice-told jest; to yield the
best seat or the choicest dish, or the most amusing




POLITENESS AND GOOD MANNERS.


29


volume, are acts, not of mere civility, but of kindness
or unselfishness, and such are among the requirements
of good breeding. The essence of good manners is
unselfishness; its animating spirit is forbearance." A
person whose nature is inclined to such kindness of
manners, and who has had that nature supplemented
by such breeding, reaches to the eminence of the
gentleman or gentlewoman, and that is the highest
attainment of success.
OUR MANNERS SHOW WHAT WE ARE.
It is said that the way anything is done is that
which stamps life and character on every action. It
has come to be almost a trite expression, that the
manner in which a person does or says a thing is a
truer index to his character than what he does or says.
All rules have their exceptions, and there may be
exceptions to this. It is possible that a man may
hide a bad heart under a well-mannered exterior; a
deed prompted by vanity, pride or selfishness may
possibly be made to assume the manner of virtue; it
may be within the bounds of possibility, yet hard to
conceive of, that a kind, refined and cultured heart
may be found in one whose outward manners are
rough and uncouth. If there be such exceptions
they are extremely rare. The intelligence of the eye,
the motion of the hand and body, the involuntary
look of the countenance, can not be incessantly
guarded that we may appear to be what we are not.
A man may perform an act which is in itself commendable; he may be liberal in his donations, broad
and charitable in his conduct, but if his motive is bad
-and from his motive he must be judged-his manner




30


AMERIOAN ETIQUETTE.


of acting is almost sure to betray it.  We think it
may be said to be a truth beyond exception, that a
heart of refinement will find expression in refined and
gentle manners.
There must be a natural instinct of refinement in the
man or the woman who would acquire the habits and
customs of good society, for without it the mere learning of a complicated code of manners will not enable
the aspirant for social distinction to move and act with
that unaffected ease and simplicity which are the very
basis of good breeding. The true gentleman, like the
poet, is born, not made, and the rugged farmer, clothed
with self-respect, is often more worthy of the name
than he who merely apes the outward forms, and
shows at every turn his want of appreciation of the
essential conditions of the polite atmosphere by which
he is surrounded.
There is a delight in good company, and in the
society of well-bred people, which may be called the
republic of sense, simplicity, knowledge, and selfabnegation, and the ease, grace, and unobtrusiveness
with which each member plays his part and moves
easily among his fellows, form the art of which we
are about to treat.




CHAPTER III.


SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.


AN is a social being. By
coming in contact with his
fellows he is made conscious of his individuality;
he is apprised, at the same
time, of his dependence
upon others. This mingling with society affords
him the greatest possible
opportunity for culture.
Why is it that some distance others so far in their
social qualities?  Why is
it that some can move actively in all the relations of
life-have to do with all
classes of people, and find
in it their highest enjoy'         ment, while others are
only at peace with those they do not know? The
secret is in personal qualities and qualifications. To
get along with people, and make your presence and
society desirable, requires some effort and some culti(31)




32


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


vation. There are people who can not be cultivatedpeople on wholn kind words and good manners make
no impression-swainish, morose people. who must be
kept down and quieted as you would those who are a
little tipsy. No one has a right to impose himself or
herself upon others,who is incapable of enhancing the
pleasure of social intercourse or receiving substantial
enjoyment from it himself. It is the duty of every
one to qualify himself for society. If society is to
become highly civil and refined, each person must contribute to make it so. Good meaning, good sense,
good action, lovely behavior, becoming modesty, and
a persistent preference for others-these are some of
the qualities that fit us for enjoyable and profitable
companionship.
CIVILI T Y.
Civility, or good behavior, is the very first sign of
force-civility, and not performance, or talent, or
much less wealth. It is as natural to a refined person
as perfume is to the flower. No one can put it on
as he would a Sunday coat to appear before his
betters in. There is nothing more awkward or ludicrous than to see a young man or woman trying to
AFFECT civility. One is not truly civil as long as it
requires an effort to be so. It is a part of our personal
culture. We must be civil in feeling before we can
be so in manners. How often we are made to blush
at the outcropping rudeness of some boorish fellow,
whose vulgarity can no longer contain itself! " Out of
the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh." In
business as in social life we must never forget to pay
due deference to the feelings of others. The man who




SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.


33


never gives cause for offense is the true man. People
do not want to be bored with the uncivil and discourteous. Their respect for such persons may prevent
them from banishing them entirely from their society,
but they are always unwelcome. Make it a matter of
conscience with yourself to be civil-not only in outward appearance, but cultivate kind feelings toward
all. If others have faults or make mistakes, do not
annoy them with the fact. If those who have an interest in you should tell you your faults, be thankful
for it. Never think the less of another because he
tries to make you a better man. Be approachable in
your disposition. The civil man is one whose heart is
ever open, one who loves the communion of his fellow
man, one whose presence is soothing, and whose conversation is edifying.
ED UCATION.
"What sculpture is to a block of marble, education is to a human soul. The philosopher, the saint
and the hero-the wise, the good and the great manvery often lie hid and concealed in a plebeian, which a
proper education might have disinterred and brought
to light."-Addison. Education not only polishes but
gives substantial form and shape to our mental and
moral powers. The school is not the only means of
education, but it is a very important one. So-called
6' book learning" has come to be a necessity to a successful and happy career. Education is too often
regarded as only necessary for the professional man.
This is a great mistake. The farmer and the business
man should be educated. In his love for knowledge
and familiarity with books a man may find his happi



34


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


ness and usefulness increased a hundred fold. Education is a means of culture; by it each one may
contribute to the elevation of society. It softens the
manners, refines the tastes, and fills the soul with
nobler purposes and higher aspirations. In proportion as man is educated, the spiritual predominates
over the animal nature. Get the best education your
means and circumstances will permit, for by it you
may become a better citizen, a better companion and
a better counselor.
INFORMATION.
One may be educated in the narrow sense of the
term and still have little information of current and
past events. You owe it to yourself and to those with
whom you mingle to be as well informed as possible.
Read books of history, travel, poetry and romance.
Read the newspaper; cultivate an interest in the
affairs of men. Know how things are going in the
State, the nation and the world. Every one loves to
hear the well-informed man talk. He always profits
us. A man of information is at ease in any society.
Be able to converse intelligently on all matters of
public interest. There is no embarrassment like that
which comes from conscious ignorance of things we
ought to know. Get an education if possible, but by
all means get Nnformation.
CHARAC TER
"Character is the diamond that scratches every
other stone."-Bartol. Character is human nature in
its best form. It is moral order embodied in the individual. Men of character are not only the conscience




SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.


35


of society, but in every well-governed State they are
its best motive power, for it is moral qualities in the
main which rule the world. There are some things
with which good character is incompatible: bad associates, vicious and sensational literature, and the
gratification of evil passions. He or she whose life
is marked by any one or all of these evils will never
have the priceless treasure of a good character. Yearn
after purity of heart and life. Fear sin as you would
the sting of an adder.
DIiFFEREUES IN S OCIA L INTERCOURSE.
When you are compelled to differ from others you
should be controlled by reason and moderation. If
in a heated discussion one shows a disposition to
unfairness or a bad temper, it is indicative of coarseness and the lack of refinement. We should accord
those who differ from us the same respect that we
demand from them for ourselves. A man should
always be honest in his convictions and in the proper
way not hesitate to express them, but he should never
fly into a passion because others do not agree with him.
Remember in the heat of discussion never to cast per,
sonal reflections upon your antagonist, nor say anything with the purpose of arousing angry feelings.
Be ready to learn from others, and to confess your
error when you plainly see it.








CHAPTER IV.
HOME, AND HOME ETIQUETTE.. -OME may bt
place on earth,
the gloomiest.
To make it the
grandest of all
institutions - to
make it the one
-            -!'s place ever dear to the
heart, should be the
ambition alike of parents,?' and children. While all
can contribute to its joy and
happiness, there is no concealing
the fact that it is pre-eminently
the kingdom of woman. It is hers
_    to embellish it, to make it tasteful and
cosy.  If woman rules and directs tllis
little kingdom to the comfort and blessedness of her family, she has done what God intended
in giving her to be the " help-meet" of man..HAVE A HOME TO YO URSELF.
Many young married couples, not realizing the
pleasure of living to themselves, often go to boarding,
'37)




38


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


or are content to share a house with some one elseperhaps a stranger. Married life does not yield up its
secret of joy and comfort under such circumstances.
Do not board if you can help it-and by all means
avoid the greater risk of sharing your roof with
others"And a mighty little cottage one family will do,
But I have never seen one yet that's big enough for two."
Most young people start in the world with limited
means, which is nothing at all to be deplored. Rent
or buy a little home, and have it all to yourself; do not
envy those who dwell in mansions; the happiness of
this world is found mostly in cottages. We'll suppose
a couple at the threshold of married life-wedding and
reception all over, and they are now ready to begin
home life. What shall it be? A home of disorder, of
bad manners and worse tempers? Or shall it be a
home of order, of refinement, of politeness, and of
love? This question should come home to every husband and wife at the very beginning of their new
career.
COMPANIONSHIP OF HUSBAND AND WIFE.
Husband and wife should remember that they have
taken each other "for better or for worse." Their
companionship is to end only with death; hence they
should see to it that their affection as lovers ripens into
a permanent devotion. They can not become congenial
companions without some effort to be such. If one
should have tastes and inclinations to which the other
is averse, they should not be obtruded. In matters
where conscientious conviction is not involved, each
should willingly yield to the other. One thing is




HOME, AND HOME ETIQUETTE.


39


indispensable to the happiness of married life, and
that is, confidence in each other. The faith which has
been plighted at the altar is considered so sacred that
once broken it can hardly be repaired again. Each
must make allowance for the other's weaknesses. Be
ready to give and willing to receive corrections from
each other. Let criticisms never be made in a fault-finding way, however. Show a lively appreciation for the
attentions and favors received from each other, and
thus cultivate the love of making personal sacrifices.
The husband should consider his wife entitled to know
all about his business plans, and he should make her
his counselor in all new undertakings. If the wife is
not worthy to be the "confidant" of her husband,
she is not fit to be his wife. Whatever faults each
may see in the other should not be paraded before
others. *Any little difficulty or misunderstanding
should be settled without the intervention of a third
party. Bad temper should be suppressed and angry
words withheld. One word spoken in haste may
inflict a wound in the heart of your companion which
will require months or years to heal over.
POLITENESS AT HOME.
Politeness is a habit. He who would be truly polite
in society must render politeness habitual at home.
Why is not politeness as good for home as for other
society? Many seem to think that gentleness and
civility are only necessary in society other than the
family. They take extra pains to be polite in company because it contributes to the enjoyment of all,
and relieves the occasion of friction. Why will it not
do the same at home? How pleasant that home where




40


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


rudeness is unknown, and all are civil and polite! One
should be governed by the laws of politeness toward
all the members of one's family no less than in the
intercourse of general society. There is, in addition,
a tenderness and respect among the members of the
home circle which can not be felt toward a common
acquaintance. First of all, the father should receive
a degree of deference which is given to no other. His
opinions should be received with great respect, and
his advice with gratitude and attention. His weaknesses, if perceived, should be concealed more carefully than your own. His comfort and convenience
should be studied on every occasion. The mother
may be treated with more freedom, but certainly with
more tenderness. Happy is the mother to whom her
children render the unreserved homage of the heart.
Relations claim a preference over common acquaintances, if they are worthy. Always treat them with
the respect due them. In conversation at the fireside
and at table, such subjects should be chosen as have
some interest to the wife or children, or both. Endeavor to render your meals social as well as physical
repasts. But never engage in defaming the character
of any one, or holding up the faults of your neighbors
before your children.  Some children are raised to
hear other people talked about until they think there
is nobody virtuous or honest. Hold up the virtues of
others, and not their vices.
GOOD MANNERS AT HOME.
Hans Andersen's story of the cobweb cloth, woven
so fine that it was invisible-woven for the king's garment-must mean manners, which do really form a




HOME, AND HOME ETIQUETTE.


41


princely clothing for our natures.  "Manners are
stronger than laws." Good manners and good morals
go together-they are firm allies.  To refined persons
there is nothing so repulsive as bad manners; they
not only see them, but feel them. It hurts a lady
or gentleman of taste to see the common rules of
etiquette violated.
CORRECT TASTE.
There are no purely good manners in the absence of
correct tastes. It is important from the earliest childhood to begin the formation of pure tastes. A correct
taste is more properly the result of a general moral
and intellectual culture than of any direct rules of
discipline. It is a matter of feeling. It rests upon a
few broad principles; and when these are interwoven
with the character the desired end will be attained.
It is easy to graft good manners onto good tastes.
Manners must be practiced at home, at your own
table, your own drawing-room  and parlor.  Like
politeness, of which they are really a part, they must
be habitual. The children should be taught to act at
home just as the most sensitive parent would have
them act at the house of a friend.  Manners are
awkward things unless they are natural. They are
unnatural if we are conscious of them, and especially
if they cost us some effort.
VALUE OF MANNERS.
We should not think of good manners as something
fostered solely to carry with us when we go visiting.
They have a permanent value in themselves. Home
life is where, most of all, they are needed. Manners




42            AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.
tend to preserve mutual respect between brothers and
sisters and parents and children. As we naturally
despise ill manners, so those who bear them become
the object of our contempt. Good manners preserve
us from too great familiarity on the one hand, and too
great reserve on the other. By them we are able to
hold others at a distance, and at the same time win
their esteem. Make the family life a model of courtesy
and good manners, and the sons and daughters, when
they go out into the world, will be in no danger of
attracting the ill-bred and vicious.




CHAPTER V.


CULTURE AT HOME.
*OME is the fountain of life. If our
character could be resolved into its
elements, and these traced to their
beginnings, the lines would all run
back to home influence. There begin
our earliest and best recollections.
school-room."I The influence of home extends
beyond the fireside and familiar walls, even to
the third and fourth generations. Be, therefore, what
you wish your children to be.
THE MOTHER'S INFLUENCE.
Upon the mother devolves the duty of planting in
the hearts of her children those seeds of love and
virtue which shall develop useful and happy lives.
There are no words to express the relation of a mother
to her children. Indeed, it is more than a relation;
they are the same bone and the same flesh. The
mother's supremest delight is in her children. They
are the objects of her care and love. She cares not for
the outward world, and is, in fact, alienated from it.
Wealth may come to them, great honors may be
heaped upon them, but she never thinks of them


(43 1




44


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


other than as her children.  The exclamation of
President Garfield's mother, upon hearing the news of
her son's assassination, was, "O! how could they kill
my baby!"   Through all the years and conflicts of
his life-in all the high positions he had occupied up
to the highest in the gift of the nation-he was never
anything else to her than her "baby."  This is the
mother's instinct. She is constantly thrilled with the
passion for her children. Let the mother, then, never
forget that while she is training children she is rearing men and women. A mother's love and prayers
and tears are seldom lost on even the most wayward
child.
HONESTY.
"Persons lightly dipped, not grained, in generous
honesty, are but pale in goodness."-Sir T. Browne.
Home culture pertains to all qualities of mind and
heart that go to make up character. There is no part
of child-training that should be wholly entrusted to
others-and certainly no part of moral training. One
of the first things children learn to do is to tell stories.
This is generally the first offense. When they are very
small, parents think it so " cute " to see them playing
little pranks, and encourage them in it. Out of this
encouragement comes the disposition to play bigger
pranks when older. Your children will be honest
with you, if you are strictly honest with them. Honesty will beget moral courage. Set your children the
example of being true to conviction-of being conscientious in all things. If you have succeeded in training a child to be conscientious you have succeeded in
everything.




OULTURE AT HOME.


45


INDUSTR Y.
Industry is a virtue; idleness is a vice. Industry
sharpens the faculties of the mind and strengthens
the sinews of the body, while indolence corrodes and
weakens them.   If the child is not industrious he
soon becomes discontented, envious, jealous, and even
vicious. "An idle brain is the devil's work-shop."
In this busy world there is no room for idle men
or women. They are dead weights on society. The
industrious man is the happy man. He feels that he
is doing something by his industry for society-at
least, he is paying his own way through the world.
Parents should encourage labor, in some useful form,
as a duty. If you give your children money for any
purpose, teach them to make some return for it-to
engage in some extra work about the house or farm
or office. Make them feel that they must earn their
enjoyment. Industry is a security against shiftlessness and a lavish use of money. There is no virtue
like that of industry. In the language of Addison,
"Mankind are more indebted to industry than ingenuity; the gods set up their favors at a price, and
industry is the purchaser."
SELF-RESPECT.
There are many ugly qualities which the children,
through the negligence of the mother, easily attach to
themselves. Among these are malice, avarice, selfesteem, lack of neatness, and a disregard for the convenience and welfare of others. There is one feeling,
however, which, if early and strongly inculcated, will
prove a safeguard against these and many other evils,




46


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


and that is, the feeling of self-respect. One great reason for the absence of this feeling in children is, that
parents and grown people do not show to them that
respect they deserve. When you hear a father speaking to his children, calling them "chap," "brats," or
"young 'uns," you may be sure there will be a lack
of self-respect on the part of the children. Call children by their right names, speak to them in an affectionate way, make them feel that you are counting on
them for something, and they will then think something of themselves. Self-respect is one of the necessary conditions of a true manhood. It saves one from
engaging in the thousand little dishonorable things
that defile the character and blast the reputation. The
mother having once made her children conscious that
they are somebody-the object, at least, of a mother's
love and a mother's prayers-it will serve as a shield
to them in a thousand temptations.
QUARRELING AND COMPLANIN1G.
"The oil of civility is required to make the wheels
of domestic life run smoothly." The habit of quarreling and complaining, so often seen in the home circle,
greatly mars the enjoyment of home life. These little
annoyances occurring every day and every hour really
make life a burden. Give your children no just cause
for complaint. Feed them well, clothe them well, and
indulge them in such social enjoyments as are innocent and elevating. Teach them the beauty of peace
and contentment, and be sure you set them the example yourself. Never let them hear anything but kind
words, and they will be very apt to catch the spirit
of a peaceful and quiet life. Constant fault-finding,




CULTURE AT HOME.


47


misrepresentation of motives, suspicions of evil where
no evil exists, will work the complete destruction of
peace and quiet in your home.
"IN HONOR PREFERRING ONE ANOTHER."
This suggestion, made by an apostle to Christian
people, is a good motto in the family. One of the
greatest disciplines of human life is that which teaches
us to yield our will to others. It is hard to do, even
in the trifling things of every-day life. We should
not be taught to yield, of course, where principle is
concerned; but in the thousand little troubles at home
between children, and even between parents, there is
nothing more involved usually than a mere notion or
fancy. Now cultivate the grace of giving in or yielding to the wishes of others. If you show no disposition to stubbornness, those who are with you will
refrain from doing so too. Thus the path of every-day
life is freed from jars and discord, and home is made
pleasant and peaceful. This discipline will be of inestimable value in after life, for if we get through life
successfully we must, sooner or later, learn to yield.
OBEDIENCE.
The government of the family should rest upon love
rather than fear. The only true obedience is that
which is inspired by love. The child that is whipped,
or coerced under fears of brutal punishment, will one
day become either desperate or cowed. The rod should
not be spared altogether, but it should seldom be
resorted to. Many of the largest and most obedient
families have been raised without the rod. Obedience
you must have; if this is lacking, everything else will




48


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


go wrong; your instructions and counsels will prove
ineffectual. Nothing has a greater tendency to bring
a curse upon a family than the insubordination and
disobedience of children. The ungoverned child will
be the law-breaking man. Obedience to authority is
one of the first laws of all government and social
order. That parent who turns out upon society an
ungoverned and disobedient son or daughter, inflicts a
public injury upon it. A' great part of the lawlessness which furnishes our jails and penitentiaries with
occupants, is due to bad home discipline.
REA DING.
" The love of reading enables a man to exchange the
wearisome hours of life which come to every one, for
hours of delight." —Montesquieu. Cultivate the de.
sire of your children for reading. First be a reader
yourself, if possible; this will enable you to advise
and direct the tastes of your- children in this direction.
Reading is not only valuable for the information it
gives, but, what is of more value to the young, it
redeems the hours from idleness and mischief. The
habit of reading will keep your son in off the street
at night, or from running over the country on idle
days, in search of companions to help him kill time.
It will turn the tastes of your daughter from the ballroom, and fit her for more cultivated society.
LITERA TURE.
What sort of reading matter shall come into the
family? This question ought to be settled before the
tastes of the young readers become perverted, and
they relish only that which is impure. If you allow




CULTURE AT HOME.


49


sensational and vicious papers to be read in the family,
the young minds suck up the poison from them, just
as the capillaries of the skin do the poison applied to
their mouths. It is interesting, and at the same time
disheartening, to stand by a news-dealer's counter on
a Saturday evening and see how many young from
the shops, offices and other places of employment, as
well as street boys and loafers, come in to buy such
papers as the Saturday Iflight and Police Gazette.
How these might all be elevated and profited by reading a better kind of literature! But no, their tastes
demand such stuff as this, and they will have no other.
So Sunday is spent filling the mind with a poison that
will, sooner or later, work a permanent injury to the
mental and moral character. There is plenty of good
reading matter, and it is very cheap. There is no
reason why every family should not take a good paper
or two-say a religious paper and a newspaper. It is
certainly far better to have your children interested
in what the world is doing, and what is happening
every day in various parts of the earth, than in what
is purely romantic and unreal. Another grade of literature is becoming very prominent now, and that is
periodicals-magazines that come once a month or
once a quarter. These furnish very valuable reading
for those old enough to appreciate them. Literature
is cheap. Every family can supply itself with good
reading in abundance. Keep your tables supplied
with that which is interesting and profitable. You
may always look with hope on a family of young
people that love to read good literature.




AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


BOOKS.
"Be as careful of the books you read as of the
company you keep; for your habits and character
will be as much influenced by the former as the latter."-Hood. Books are as much a part of a home
as pictures or furniture or carpets. A home without
books is desolate indeed. Nothing elevating or ennobling can come from such a place. If you have
books lying around, your children will naturally take
to them. The great and good Channing said, "Let
every man, if possible, gather some good books under
his roof."  They are good company for children as
well as grown people. You need never fear to trust
your children with them. No mother who has the
welfare of her children at heart will neglect the important work of choosing the proper books for them
to read while they are under her charge. She should
select such books for them as will instruct and interest; and this should be done before their minds are
poisoned with bad books and novels. Go into any
bookstore, and you will find it an easy thing to select
suitable works for the family. Do not mind the light
expense. The joy of seeing your children around the
fireside, discussing this or that which they have read
about, instead of wanting to be out in town intriotous
company, will more than repay you for your money
and pains.
A LIBRARY.
A library means a collection of books comprising
variety-books of general literature, secular and religious, dictionary, encyclopaedias, etc. Every home
should have a library, if possible. Do not be content
to buy a few scattering books here and there, but have




CULTURE AT HOME.


51


a book-case, and put in it, from time to time, as you
can afford it, varieties of books. Let your children
see that you take a pride in getting books, and they
will take a pride in reading them. The very sight of
a library is an inspiration.,


NEATNESS.
Educate your children to be neat-neat in their
dress-neat in the arrangement of their littfi  possessions about the house. Where your dwelling will
admit of it, give each child a room to himself or
herself, or, if there are several children, give two
brothers or two sisters a room, and hold them responsible for its appearance. When they feel that they




AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


are responsible for something, they will look to it
with more care.  Require all to be neat and tidy
when they come to the table. There is a marked
neglect in many families in this respect. They take
no pains to arrange themselves neatly, but dash right
into the dining-room, when a meal is announced,
forgetting all the precepts of order and etiquette;
consequently, when company comes, or they go out
in answer to an invitation, they are all the time under
restraint and embarrassment.
GOOD LANGUAGE.
It seems next to impossible to keep bad language
of some sort out of the home. Children catch it up
on the streets from their playmates, and bring it home
with them in spite of everything. But a great deal
can be done by vigilance upon the part of parents.
Not only should profanity be rigidly forbidden, but
also slang and impolite language of whatever kind.
V-ulgarity in common conversation is especially loathsome. Make home a place too sacred for any such
indulgence.
RELIGIO US C ULTURE.
Every good habit, pure sentiment and noble aspiration has its origin and support in religion. It is the
duty of parents to be religious. Your example will
not be worth much unless you constantly impress
upon your family their responsibility to God. After
all, there is nothing half so cultivating as to gather
your family daily around the altar and give thanks
to a kind Father who has given you all the blessings
you enjoy. The Spirit of Jesus Christ will save your
home and your children when nothing else will. How




CULTURE AT HOME.


53


many young men have been made strong in the hour
of temptation by the remembrance of a mother's
prayers! Do not be content to be religious yourself.
Bring your children up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."  Show them by your example
that religion is something real-that it is a constant
source of joy and solace. Be religious in your family
as well as at church. If you, as a father or mother,
have a real and consistent life, your children will be
likely to imitate you.
PURSUIT IN LIFE.
As children grow up and approach the time when
they will be thrown on their own responsibilities, the
question comes home to each one, "What shall I
follow for a livelihood?" This is indeed an important
question. It involves another, equally as important:
"What am I best suited for?"  Never turn from a
pursuit for which you are fitted for one you fancy
more honorable. Do not spoil a good farmer to make
a poor merchant.  Do not choose one of the professions when you excel in business tact. A young man
says, "I believe I am best fitted for one of the professions, law, for instance, but it is crowded." This is
no cause for discouragement. There is always room
at the top, and if you do not go in to make a firstclass lawyer, you should not go in at all. The law of
the "survival of the fittest" operates in the professions just as in the animal kingdom. Remember,
however, that it is just as honorable to farm well as
to speak well or write well. To make a successful
merchant is as desirable as to make a successful anything else. It takes quite as much brain-power to
make a master-mechanic as to make a classical scholar.




64


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


There is absolutely no foundation for that sickly sentin
ment, so often entertained, that because a man is a
professional man, he is two or three grades higher
than anybody else. If a man chooses a profession,
and, by hard work, succeeds well, he is to be honored
for it; but the same can be said of any other calling.
Preparation for your life-calling should not be deferred
too long. While the family is yet together, the parents should interest themselves in the natural tastes
and abilities of the children. A good home training
forms a strong basis for them in a general way, but
there should be some particular encouragement given
in the direction of their life-calling. Chancellor Kent
says: "A parent who sends his son into the world
without educating him in some art, science, profession
or business, does great injury to mankind as well as
to his son and to his own family, for he defrauds the
community of a useful citizen and bequeaths to it a
nuisance."




CHAPTER VI.


ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
VERY young lady and gentleman should cultivate a love
for so ciety-not as an end,
enoymen,   but as a r means. To look at
and morally.   ociety as an end-cas moore
than the individual-will
beget affectation and pride,
goand cause the loss of all
individuality. But to re_and  ogard it as a means to an end w
gt         the end being self-improvement and personal enjoyment-makes it a constant
source of interest and profit. By
'-~mingling with others we not only reap
enjoyment, but we grow, both intellectually
and morally. Society is a community of certain
goods, which are at the disposal of all, and are
increased by being taken up. WVhen you enter society you throw your life into it with all your mental
and moral attainments, and those who mingle with
you get the benefit of all you have, and you of all
they have. Its tendency, therefore, is to make all
equal. No young person should deny himself or her(55)




AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


self of its benefits.  One can never have a complete lif<
without it. But one danger should be avoided, and that
is, the danger of giving one's self up too exclusively
to society. Do not become intoxicated with it. There
are in every town and city society "cracks," who are
nothing unless social. Do not forget to have a life of
your own-an inner life with which you can commune,
and that, too, with pleasure. Some young people
assume the outward manners and fashions of society,
who are so utterly empty of information or sympathy
that they are incapable of being real or interesting.
They are not cultivated, in any sense, and their presence really detracts from the pleasure of any occasion.
It was this class that Byron had in mind when he
said, "Society is formed of two mighty tribes-the
ores and the bored."
AFFECTATION.
"If you wish to appear agreeable in society, you
must consent to be taught many things you already
know."-LavaLter. Simplicity of conduct and of manners is unquestionable evidence of sound sense and
a correct taste. "Affectation is the wisdom of fools
and the folly of many a comparatively wise man."
It is, says Johnson, an artificial show; an elaborate
appearance; a false pretense.  The affected person
prefers the artificial to the real, and supposes that
everybody else does too. To be genuine, requires no
effort; to seem to be what you are not, requires constant
effort. Sidney Smith says, "All affectation proceeds
from the supposition of possessing something better
than the rest of the world possesses. Nobody is vain
of possessing two legs and two arms, because that is




ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.


57


the precise quantity of either sort of limb which everybody possesses." Affectation is certain deformity. It
shows in some instances an empty mind, in others an
estimate exceedingly too high of what ability one has.
What weariness it must be to be always acting a part;
to torture one's self constantly in daily intercourse, so
as to produce a factitious result; to adopt conduct,
select words, and profess sentiments, on the most
trivial as well as the most important occasions, which
shall be sure to differ more or less from what is plain,
obvious and direct. You meet an affected person,
perhaps your friend; he feels warmly toward you,
but he must in some way preserve an imagined dignity, so he addresses you in an unnatural sort of way
and does not open up himself as a friend should.
Affectation has been compared to a coat of many
colors and pieces-ill fitted, and neither stitched nor
tied, which some unblest mortal might endeavor, with
incessant pains and solicitude, to hold together and
wear. Be natural. A natural awkwardness is far
more endurable than an affected grace.
THE YOUSNG LADY IN SOCIETY- DRESS.
Do not have a mania for fine dressing. Be able to
talk about something else than the fashions. Dress is
a material thing, and does not deserve the attention
that some other things do. Yet it is a duty you owe
those with whom you mingle to dress neatly, and, to a
certain extent, in the fashion. Do not disfigure your
person by oddly cut and oddly fitting clothes —
do not do it even in the sacred name of religion. God
intended that we should make our persons attractive.
The being who gave nature her thousands of beauties




58


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


and adornments, and who made woman of all his
creatures the most charming in her form and features,
did not intend that this form should be marred by
covering it up in a meal-sack and crowning it with
a sugar-scoop. Dress always in good taste, but not
gorgeously.
AFFECTED CONVERSATION.
Beware of a labored and affected style of conversation. Talk in good style and with becoming modesty,
but be yourself.  How intolerable it is to a young
gentleman to have to submit to that "cut and dried"
style of talking which so many young ladies assume.
Be assured that your gentlemen friends do not admire
it, however much you think they do. A lady who
talks from her heart never fails to be entertaining.
GOSSIPING.
Be free from tattling. Do not inflict upon society
another member of that despisable and dangerous
species called gossipers.  The tongue that carries
slander and defames the character of others is as black
as sin itself. Always be careful in your conversation
not to dwell on what you heard somebody say about
somebody else.
SEEK GOOD SOCIETY.
Many a young lady's prospects are ruined by starting out in inferior society. She may be virtuous and
chaste herself, but has unwittingly fallen in with bad
associations and rests under a ban.  Reputation is
especially valuable to a woman. Therefore fit yourself for the best society, and do not go in any till you
can go in that.




ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.


69


MODESTY.
Do not be wild and boisterous in your conduct on
the street or in the parlor. Show refinement and
sobriety. Be free and sociable, but keep yourself
within bounds.  Remember that "modesty is the
thastity of merit, the virginity of noble souls."
THE YOUNG MAN IN SOCIETY- DRESS.
The same remarks upon dress apply to the young
man as to the young lady, so far as neatness and taste
are concerned; though there is not as much expected
of the young man in this particular as of the young
lady. Clothing should not be flashy; that always
betrays a coarse taste. Do not dress above your income. Wear only clothes that are paid for. Never
envy the fop.
DEMEANOR.
Let your conduct toward others always betoken
respect. Avoid giving offense by your pertness. Respect the old. Nothing indicates good breeding so
much as deference to the aged. By all means avoid
the habits of swearing, drinking and card-playing.
In fact, never think of indulging in such things. The
so-called smart young men may laugh at you, but
never mind that. When they are in rags and homeless, you will have plenty and be respected.
MONEY.
Be sure you do not spend your money just for the
sake of showing how liberal you can be. There is a
reasonable limit to spending money, which everybody




60           AMERICAN ETIQUtETTE.
will respect you for observing. Economy is nothing
to be ashamed of.  Avoid the habit of so-called
treating. Your money goes, and you get no thanks
for it. The habit is a bad one, and is closely allied
with loafing and dissipation.




CHAPTER VII.


INTRODUCTIONS.


HE custom of making
persons known to each
other is a necessity in good
society. It is the basis of
-  %  an acquaintanceship which
A! may serve for the enjoyent of an hour, or which
may ripen into a friend-        7p ship as lasting and as importaut as life itself.
An in troduction, theres  Yfore, is not, as is
usually the case, a
mere repetition of
two or more individuals' names in each others'
presence, but it is a tacit
"' pledge on the part of the introducer that the persons introduced are fit to come into each others'
society. Yet it must not be understood that this is
the only way by which parties may become acquainted.
Circumstances often occur in which persons have to
introduce themselves, thus securing great advantages
(61)




62


62  A1ERICAN VTIQUTET1TV


to all concerned, without any sacrifice of self-respect
or the usages of polite society. Theformal introduction is sometimes called the highway to friendship,
while the "scraped" acquaintance is termed the
by-path.
GENERAL INTROD UCTION.
Many persons form the habit of introducing their
friends to every one whom they may meet without
respect to time, place or occasion. Such a practice is
neither necessary, desirable, nor at all times agreeable.
In small towns and villages, however, where citizens
are generally known to each other, the custom here
alluded to has the effect of tendering to strangers a
cordiality which can not otherwise be easily secured.
While general introductions must, as a rule, be condemned, it should be borne in mind that much here,
as elsewhere in the practice of etiquette, must depend
upon the good sense and judgment of the parties concerned. Rather be governed by circumstances, and
always avoid anything like unkindness, rudeness or
discourtesy.
INTRODUCTION A SOCIAL INDORSEMENT.
Among the Swedes, a very polite and hospitable
people, it has been said that one individual introducing another becomes responsible for his good behavior,
as if he should say, "Permit me to introduce my
friend; if he cheats you, charge it to me."  Such
must be the real value of an introduction among all
people who expect to take a place in good society. In
the course of business, and under various circumstances, we form casual acquaintances, of whom we
really know nothing, and who may really be anything




INTRODUCTIONS.


63


but suitable persons for us to know. It would be
wrong, therefore, to bring such characters to the
favorable notice of those whom we esteem our friends.
Pains should be taken, especially in large cities and
towns, in making two persons acquainted, to see that
the introduction shall be equally desirable. If it is
at all practicable, it is best to obtain the consent of the
party to whom the introduction is desired. Where
this is not possible, a thorough acquaintance of the
introducer with the parties will enable him to settle
the point for himself.
INTROD UCTION OF A GENTLEMAN TO A LADY.
Good society always accords a lady the right to say
with whom she will form an acquaintance. It is
proper, therefore, for a gentleman desiring an introduction to a lady, to ascertain first whether or not
such an acquaintance will be agreeable to the lady.
Neither should a stranger be introduced into the house
of a friend unless permission is first obtained. Nevertheless, introductions of this nature are frequent, but
they are improper, and should not occur. One may
sometimes be asked to introduce one person to another,
or a gentleman desires an introduction to a lady, but
if he finds such an introduction would not be agreeable, he should decline to grant the wish. This may
be done on the ground that one's own acquaintance is
not sufficiently intimate to take such a liberty.
In case a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both
should bow slightly, and it is the duty of the gentleman to start a conversation. In general, the one who
is introduced should make the first remarks.




64


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


In this, as in all introductions, discrimination is
necessary. The hostess must have a care how she
brings into society, and among her friends, a designing or undesirable man. She must consider the wishes
and condition of those to whom she is about to make
the introduction. Some may have so large a visiting
list that additions may be irksome, and as a rule it is
a safe guide to remember that no gentleman should be
introduced to a lady unless her permission has been
asked, and the opportunity given her to refuse. The
conditions under which the introduction is made,
whether it be in the house, on the lawn-tennis ground,
or in the street, have each their bearing on the importance and weight with which they are to be afterward
considered. Casual introductions, such as are often
made at watering places, do not necessarily involve
the lady in the necessity of recognizing the gentleman
at any future time, and, therefore, at such meetings
less consideration of the lady's wishes is necessary.
If a gentleman meet two ladies in the street, one of
whom he knows, and if he join them, he should, of
course, be presented to the lady whom he does not
know, in order to avoid awkwardness.
In all casual meetings, such, for example, as may
occur at the theatre-meetings, in short, on neutral
ground-the rule should be that undue haste is reprehensible, and that the introduction should be made
only in order to avoid awkwardness, or when the meeting has assumed a form such that the lack of an introduction might be construed into neglect or rudeness.
In making introductions under these circumstances
more latitude is allowable where the people are young
than where the people are either married or elderly.




INTRODUCTIONS.


65


INTRODUCTION WITHOUT CEREMONY.
As has been already intimated, circumstances often
determine the beginning of an acquaintanceship without an introduction. When parties meet at the house
of a mutual friend, they may take such a fact as a
sufficient guaranty for the beginning of an acquaintanceship, should there appear to be a mutual desire to
know each other. It is always one of the' duties of
hospitality to afford a pledge of the respectability of
all who happen to claim it. An introduction is unnecessary in the formation of acquaintances among
ladies and gentlemen who may be traveling; but such
friendship mnust be conducted with a certain amount
of reserve, and need not be continued beyond the
casual meeting. Dignified silence should mark the
least indication of disrespect or undue familiarity. A
young lady should be very careful as to the formation
of traveling acquaintances, much more so than a married or even an elderly lady.
HOW TO GIVE AN INTRODUCTION.
In giving irtroductions it is proper to introduce the
gentleman to the lady, the younger to the elder, the
inferior in social position to the superior. In giving
the introduction, one should bow to the lady, or
make a slight wave of the hand toward her, and say,
"Miss A., permit me to introduce rmly friend Mr. B.'
The lady and gentleman bow to each other, each repeating the other's name. The gentleman, in bowing,
should say, "I am glad to meet you," or, "It gives
me much pleasure to make your acquaintance," or
some similar remark.
If gentlemen are introduced, it is customary to say.




66


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


"Mr. A., allow me to make you acquainted with
Mr. B."  The form is often shortened to, "Mr. A.Mr. B." The words of an introduction are immaterial,
so long as the proper form and order are retained.
It is of the utmost importance in giving introductions
to speak each name very distinctly. Failure to do
this often involves timid persons in a painful embarrassment. If either party does not distinctly understand the name of the other, he should say at once,
and without embarrassment or hesitation, before making the bow, "I beg your pardon; I did not catch
(or understand) the name." The name may then be
repeated to him.
When several persons are to be presented to one
individual, it is best to mention the name of the individual first, and then repeat the names of the others
in succession, bowing slightly, or waving the hand, as
each name is called.
True politeness always explains to the parties introduced something of the business or the residence of
each; or if one has recently returned from a trip of
any kind, it is good manners to say so. Such items as
these always aid in starting a conversation.
INTRODIUCTION DURING GALLS.
During calls, where parties remain in a house but a
short time, the ceremony of introduction may be dispensed with. And yet, if it seems that such a thing
will add to the pleasure of callers, and there be no
objection, it is good taste to give introductions even at
such times. Such an introduction may or may not be
extended into an acquaintance, so that there is no obligation to recognize each other as acquaintances again,.nless they desire to do so.




INTRODUCTIONS.


67


INTRODUCTION OF RELATIVES.
Where members of one's own family are introduced,
be careful to give both the degree of kinship and the
name. Say, "My father, Mr. A."; " My son, Mr. A.,
or Mr. Joseph A." One's wife is simply "Mrs. A.";
if, however, there happens to be another Mrs. A. in
the family, she may be, "Mrs. A., my sister-in-law,"
etc. By giving the name, there is no ambiguity in
the mind of the stranger as to what to call the party
introduced.
MENTIONING TITLES.
In an introduction it is proper to give one his appropriate title. If a clergyman, say "Rev. Mr. B." If a
doctor of divinity, say " Rev. Dr. B." A member of
Congress is styled "Honorable."  Mention to which
branch of Congress he belongs. If a Governor of a
State, specify the State. Or if he be a man of any
note in any pursuit which claims great ability, it is
well to state the fact. If an author, somethinTiike
this, "Mr. Longfellow, author of ' The Psalm of Life,'
which you have admired so much."
NECESSARY INTROD ULCTIONS.
A visitor at one's house must be made acquainted
with all callers, and good manners require the latter
to cultivate the acquaintance while the visitor remains.
If you should be the caller introduced, you must give
the same attention to the friend of your friend that
you would wish to be shown to your own friends
under similar circumstances.  This rule, however,
need not be observed in public places, and if an
introduction takes place, the acquaintance need not be
continued unless desired.




68


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


CLAIMS OF AN INIROD UCTION.
When an introduction has taken place under proper
circumstances, both parties have in the future certain
claims upon each other's acquaintance. These claims
should be recognized, unless there are good reasons
for disregarding them. Should even that be the case,
good manners demand the formal bow of recognition
when meeting. This of itself encourages no familiarity. Only very poorly bred persons will meet or
pass each other with a stare. But where it is the
desire of both parties that the introduction should
ripen into a friendship, each should be careful to
maintain a reasonable degree of cordiality toward the
other on meeting, and when mingling in society. The
practice of shaking hands is optional, and should be
exercised with some discretion, especially on the part
of young and unmarried ladies.
RECOGNITION.
Good usage has given the lady the privilege of
determining whether she will recognize a gentleman
after the introduction. It is, therefore, her place to
make the recognition first by a slight bow. The gentleman is bound to return her recognition in the same
manner. When passing a lady on the street it is not
enough for the gentleman to merely touch his hat, he
should lift it from his head.
THE "CU T."
The " cut " is given by a continued stare at a person.
This can only be justified at all by extraordinary and
notoriously bad conduct on the part of the one "cut,"




INTRODUCTIONS.


69


and it is very seldom called for. Should any one desire to avoid a bowing acquaintance with another, it
may be done by turning aside or dropping the eyes.
Good society will not allow a gentleman to give a lady
the "cut" under any circumstances; yet there may
be circumstances in which he would be excused for
persisting in not meeting her eyes, for should their
eyes meet he must bow, even though she fail to grant
him a decided recognition.
INTRODUCTION ON THE STREET.
An introduction should never be given on the street,
unless it be strictly a matter of business or an emergency not to be avoided. If, when walking with a
friend on the street, one should meet an acquaintance
and stop a moment to speak with him, it is unnecessary to introduce the two who are strangers; but, on
separating, the friend who is with you gives a parting
salutation, the same as yourself. This rule is applicable to both ladies and gentlemen.
INTRODUCTION OF ONE'S SELF.
If, when entering a reception-room to pay a visit,
you should not be recognized, mention your name at
once. If you happen to -know one member of the
family and you find others only in the room, make
yourself known to them. If this is not done, much
embarrassment and awkwardness may be the result.
You should mention your name in an easy, self-possessed way, and ask for the member of the family
with whom you are acquainted.




70


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


SHAKING HANDS ON INTRODUCTION.
When an introduction takes place between a lady
and a gentleman, she should merely bow and not offer
to shake hands unless the gentleman is an intimate
acquaintance of some member of the family. In case
the gentleman is a well-known friend, she may give
him her hand in token of esteem and respect. A gentleman must not offer his hand to a lady until she has
made the first movement.
A married lady should offer her hand on being
introduced to a stranger in her own house, especially
if he has been brought to the house by her husband
or by a mutual friend. Such an act on her part is
indicative of a cordiality which shows the stranger
that he is welcome and may enjoy her hospitality in
good faith.
While much discretion must be used on the part of
ladies in shaking hands with gentlemen, it nevertheless shows a good spirit, and where the surroundings
are as they should be, no danger is likely to arise from
the custom.
Gentlemen almost invariably shake hands with each
other on being introduced. In this case the elder of
the two, or the superior in social standing, should
make the first movement in offering to shake hands.
Gentlemen, in shaking hands with ladies or with
each other, should be careful not to grip the hand too
closely. This often inflicts pain, and shows anything
else but good breeding.
WRITTEN INTRODUCTIONS.
Much care should be exercised in the granting of
letters of introduction. These should be given only




INTRODUCTIONS.


71


to intimate friends, and addressed to one with whom
the writer has a strong personal friendship. It is both
foolish and dangerous to give such a letter to one with
whom the writer is but slightly acquainted. By so
doing he may not only place himself, but also the one
to whom the letter is addressed, in a very mortifying
position. The author of such a letter should not only
be confident as to the integrity of the one introduced,
but he should be equally well assured that such an
acquaintance will be agreeable to the one to whom the
letter is addressed. In general, such letters should be
given very cautiously and sparingly.
The reader will find the form of such letters in the
chapter on " Letter Writing."
DELIVERING LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
It is not generally best for the bearer of a letter of
introduction to deliver it in person. The better plan
is, on arriving in the place of residence of the party
addressed, to send the letter to him, accompanied with
your own card of address. If he desires to comply
with the wish of his friend, he will at once call upon
you. If circumstances are such that he can not call
upon you, he will send you his card of address, and,you may call upon him at your leisure
DUTY OF PERSON ADDRESSED.
In Europe, a person bearing a letter of introduction
makes the first call. In this country, we are of the
opinion that a stranger should not be made to feel that
he is begging our attention. Therefore, if it is your
wish and in your power, you should welcome at
once and in a cordial way the one bearing a letter of




72            AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.
introduction addressed to yourself. Call upon him as
soon as you receive his letter of introduction, and
accord to him such treatment as you would be pleased
to receive were you in his place.
BUSINESS LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
Letters of introduction for business purposes ofter
pass between business men. Etiquette does not re
quire the receiver to entertain the bearer as a friend.
The conduct of each should be gentlemanly, but the
obligation of such a letter ceases with the transaction
of the business in hand. However, if the acquaintance proves mutually agreeable, such a letter may be
the basis of a real and lasting friendship.




CHAPTER VIII.


SALUTATIONS AND GREETINGS.
KINDS OF SALUTATIONS.
O THING so quickly or
effectually indicates the
well-bred person as the
way in which he recog1;:-    nizes his fellow men on
the street and in various
);~=__    other places. Salutations and greetings
in themselves
'B-.      furnish a basis
upon which to
found all other matters of etiquette.
It would be interesting and profit
able to reveal the history which lies hidden under the
simple "Yes, Ma'am," and "No, Sir," of to-day;
also, to present the forms of salutation used among
the various nations of the earth. We must content
ourselves, however, with only intimating these por(73)




74


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


tions of the topic, and proceeding at once to that
which is practical and useful to the lady or the
gentleman of to-day.
In England and America, the bow, the hand shaking and the kiss constitute the accepted modes of
salutation.
THE BOW.
This mode of salutation is the one most generally
used, and it is made to include quite a number of motions which of themselves are not bows, and yet custom
has made them to take the place of the graceful bend
of the body which we call a bow. Between gentlemen,
a slight inclination of the head, a wave of the hand, or
a mere touch of the hat, is sufficient. In bowing to a
lady the hat must be lifted from the head, but custom
has made it permissible to touch the hat, at the same
time slightly inclining the head. If a gentleman is
smoking he takes the cigar from his mouth before lifting the hat, or if he has his hand in his pocket he
removes it.
If you know people slightly, you recognize them
with some reserve; if you know them well, you use
more familiarity in your salutation. At the first meeting of the eyes the bow should be given.
The bow is the one mark of good breeding, and it
must never be omitted, even to one with whom you
may have had a misunderstanding, as this shows an
incivility which can not be countenanced by good
manners.
Always return a bow even though you do not recognize the person who makes it, because he either knows
you or has mistaken you for some one else, and to




SAL]UTATI0NS AND GRtEETINGS.


deglect it would be to show yourself wanting in that
which shows the great difference between the ill-bred
and the well-bred person.
SALUTATION OF THE YOU NG TO THE OLD.
An introduction always entitles one to recognition,
and it is the duty of the younger person to make himself known to the elder. He should do this by bowing,
and should continue this until the recognition becomes
mutual. There are two good reasons for this practice:
first, older people have larger circles of acquaintances,
and they do not always remember younger persons to
whom they may have been introduced; second, older
people are apt to forget the faces of young people and
thus fail to recognize them. Owing to these facts
elderly people usually wait for the young to recognize
them before bowing, and this should always be done,
for it shows good breeding and respect for age.
AVOIDANCE OF RECOGNITION.
If a bowing acquaintance is not desired with one
who has been properly introduced, it may be broken
by looking aside or dropping the eyes as the person
approaches, for should the eyes meet the bow must be
given.
BOWING ON PROMENADES OR IN DRIVING.
Civility requires but a single bow to a person upon a
public promenade or in driving. If the individual is
a friend, it is better, on subsequent passings, to smile
slightly or exchange a word, should you catch his or
her eye. In case of a mere acquaintance it is best to
avert the eyes.




76


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


SOME OBSOLETE EXPRESSIONS.
In the intercourse between people it is still not
uncommon to hear the reply of "yes, madam," or
"no, sir," and the former is not infrequently abbreviated. These modes of expression are old-fashioned
and formal, and have long been excised from the
methods of the best society.
Equality, it must always be remembered, is the basis
of society and of those who stand within its pale, and,
as titles of all kinds are contrary to the ideas of
republican simplicity, there is no need to use any
expression that implies deference or inferiority.
As to whether children should be taught to address their elders in this way as a mark of respect
is a question that the parent must decide.
While on the subject it may be as well to say a word
on the much-abused words "lady " and "gentleman."
In society  all "women"    are presumed to be
"ladies" and all men "gentlemen," and, therefore,
the simple and good old Saxon words "men" and
"women " are entirely proper when reference is made
to either sex in the aggregate.
There are no such things as sales-ladies, wash-ladies,
sales-gentlemen or farmer-gentlemen. All such expressions are forcing the uses of the words and placing
the people spoken of in a ridiculous light.
The world is composed of the two sexes, men and
women, and those of them who are ladies and gentlemen are such by education and refinement, and need
no gratuitous "branding" to let their fellows realize
the fact.




SALUTATIONS AND GREETINGS.


77


WORDS OF GREETING.
'Good Morning," "Good Afternoon," "Good
Evening," "How do you do," and "How are you,"
are most commonly used in saluting a person. Of
these the first three are most appropriate unless you
stop, when you may ask after another' s health by using
one of the last two phrases. It is polite for the eyes to
express a smile as these words are exchanged, but a
broad grin should be avoided. A respectful bow should
always accompany the words.
SHAKING HANDS.
With friends a shake of the hand is the most hearty
and genuine expression of good will. "The etiquette
of hand shaking is simple. A man has no right to take
a lady's hand until it is offered, and has even less right
to pinch or retain it. Two ladies shake hands gently
and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does
not shake a gentleman's unless she is his friend. A
lady should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman
of course never dares to be seated. On introduction
into a room, a married lady generally offers her hand;
a young lady, not. In a ball-room hand shaking is out
of place, and, in general, the more public the place the
less proper is hand shaking. In case an introduction is accompanied with a personal recommendation;
such as, "I want you to know my friend Jones," or, if
Jones comes with a strong letter of introduction, you
must give Jones your hand, and warmly too. Lastly,
it is the privilege of a superior to give or withhold his
handy so that an inferior should never put his forward
first."




78


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


If a lady shakes hands with a gentleman, she should
manifest frankness and cordiality. Equal frankness
and good will should characterize the gentleman, but
he must be careful as to undue familiarity or anything
which might be construed as such.
In shaking hands the right hand should always be
given.  If that be impossible, an excuse should be
offered. The French offer the left hand as nearest the
heart, but it is considered bad taste to do so in this
country.
The mistress of a house should offer her hand to
every guest invited to her house. This should be done
especially where a stranger is brought into the house
by a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial
welcome.
THE KISS.
We have in the kiss the most affectionate form of
salutation, and it is only proper among near relatives
and dear friends.
THE KISS OF FRIENDSHIP.
The.kiss of friendship and relationship is on the
cheeks and forehead. This expression of affection,
especially in this country, is usually excluded from
the public, and, in the case of parents, children and
near relations, too much care is taken to conceal it.
KISSING IN PUBLIC.
The practice of women kissing each other in public
is decidedly vulgar, and is avoided entirely by ladies
of delicacy and true refinement.




CHAPTER IX.


CONVERSATION.
_,T -l     l OTHING can be more desirable
II 1  H  than the ability to converse well;
not only to understand how to
make a conversation interesting
-,-          as to the subject and the way
you treat it, but also to understand the proprieties that should
characterize it. Nothing reveals: 1I:- " one's character so much as his: s  mmanner of conversation. Fight
against it as we will, those with
S whom we converse freely know
_       us better even than we know
ourselves. It is, looking from a
social point of view, the accom~... =.     plishment of accomplishments.
It is more desirable to talk well than to sing well or
play well. Every intelligent person should acquire the
habit of talking sensibly and with facility upon all
topics of general interest to society, so that he may
be both interested and interesting in the social circle.
They who have the true taste of conversation enjoy
themselves in a communication of each other's excellencies, and not in a triumph over their imperfections.
(79)




80


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Conversation warms the mind, enlivens the imagina
tion, and is continually starting fresh game that is
immediately pursued and taken, which would never
have occurred in the duller intercourse of epistolary
correspondence. Says Montaigne, "It is good to rul
and polish our brain against that of others."  Before
proceeding to the consideration of special topics on
this subject we will indulge in a few general reflections
upon the art. In conversation a great want of manners
is shown in loud speaking, monopolizing the greater
part of the conversation to yourself, or hinting at disagreeable topics. With respect to the latter habit,
when ladies are present all abstruse subjects and political discussions of party feeling should be avoided.
The taste of ladies should always form the criterion of
discourse; hence, the lighter and more varied the subjects of discussion are, the more accessible they will
generally be found. Again, one should by all possible
means avoid egotism, for nothing is more displeasing
and disgusting.  Never make yourself the hero or
heroine of your own story. Do not attempt a fine flight
of language upon ordinary topics. To interrupt a
person when speaking is the height of ill manners, and
may justly cause indignation on the part of the one so
interrupted.
ADDRESS IN CONVERSATION.
Conversation is an art in which very few excel. How
often at the dinner table or in the drawing-room is the
harmony of an elegant and refined company broken
by a mal-a-propos observation or ill-timed discussion!
Most men's failure in conversation is not due to a lack
of wit or judgment, but to a want of refinement or good




CONVERSAT1O1t.


breeding. So few know when to proceed and when
to stop. There is an exact boundary beyond which
an argument ought never to be pressed. Speak to
entertain rather than to distinguish yourself. If you
have a favorite study or employment to which you
are peculiarly devoted, you must remember not to
obtrude it as a topic of conversation too far, for others
may not be equally interested with yourself upon it.
It certainly can not be to our interest to expose our
failings; still less is it advisable to boast of our virtues.
Avoid rudeness in speaking your mind upon questions
which are matters of difference with people. This is
exceedingly ill-timed and obtrusive. Many, under the
pretext of speaking their mind, often disturb the harmony of social intercourse, and seem too obtuse to
perceive it. We should avoid the impertinence of
talking too much, and at the same time avoid running
to the other extreme of talking too little. Seek to
interest all without being offensive to any. Have the
bearing and maintain the dignity of a lady or gentleman. Avoid that which you observe ill-timed in
others; notice the address of those who are acknowledged as accomplished and refined, and make them
your models.
CULTIVATING THE MEMORY.
A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring
the art of conversation. Hence its training should be
well looked to. Begin the training of this faculty
early in life, When children hear a sermon or lecture
they should be required when they come home to tell
all they can about it. Nothing improves the memory
like practice. It is said that Henry Clay's popularity
6




82


8AMERRICAN ETtQUVVTTER


as a politician was due in great part to his faculty of
remembering the names of persons he met. At night he
would think over the names of all the persons he had
met that day and write them down in a note book; in
the morning he would look them over and fix them in
his mind, so that when he would afterward meet any
of them he could call them by name and even tell the
place and circumstances of meeting. One is often
thrown into embarrassment in society by a treacherous
memory. At the very point of calling the name of
an acquaintance whom you wish to introduce to another, his name slips your memory, and you are then
under the humiliating necessity of inquiring. In conversation it is very desirable to be able to recall names,
dates and facts. Cultivate your memory. If it is a
bad one you can improve it, and the pleasure of having a ready memory will more than repay you for
your trouble.
CORRECT TALKZN1G.
To use correct language in conversation is another
matter of very great importance. It is exceedingly
unpleasant to hear the English language butchered by
bad grammar and the-misapplication of words. It is
supposed that every one has at least a rudimental
education in the grammar of his language, and this is
all that is necessary to correct talking. We learn to
speak correctly by practice more than anything else.
The writer is acquainted with a lady who never studied
English grammar in her life, but she very rarely
makes an error in conversation, and never misapplies
i term. She has always been in good society, and has
6imply acquired the habit of speaking correctly from




OONVERSATION.,


83


others. A mistake in grammar hurts her as much as
it would the most accomplished grammarian. While
it is necessary to have a correct style, yet it should
not be a stiff or stilted one.
REQUISITES FOR A GOOD TALKER.
To be a good talker, then, requires that one should
have much general information. This may be acquired
by observation, by reading and study, attentive listening to others, and a correct knowledge of the use of
language, as well as a discretion and refinement of
address. One should also cultivate a clear intonation,
well chosen phraseology, and correct accent. True,
many of these seem small acquirements, but we must
remember that it is the small things that make up the
gentleman.  Every one should make an effort to
possess them, and thus fit himself for the enjoyment of
society.
VULGARISMS.
The use of vulgarisms in polite conversation betrays
at once a coarseness that is disagreeable. Simplicity
and purity of language are the characteristics of a well
educated and highly cultivated person. It is the uneducated and those who are only half educated that
use long words and high-sounding phrases. Anything
like flippancy should also be avoided. That "disgustingly hyperbolical" way of speaking which especially
characterizes some young ladies, should be put aside.
Such phrases as "awfully nice," "immensely jolly,"
"abominably stupid," and a hundred others in common use, are high-sounding, meaningless phrases, and
should never be used. Under this head also might




84:


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


come provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents,
mannerisms and slang, all of which are vulgarly out of
place.  Gentlemen should not address ladies in a
flippant manner. Flippancy is as much an evidence
of ill breeding as the perpetual smile, the vacant stare
and the wandering eye.
THE HABIT OF LISTENING.
To be a good listener requires as much cultivation
almost as to be a good talker.  In fact, listening is
really as much a part of the conversation as talking.
We should listen even if the one talking is prosy and
uninteresting, and at appropriate periods of the conversation make such remarks as would show that we
have read and understood all that has been said. We
should always show the same courtesy to others that
we expect from them ourselves, and hence we should
make an effort to be interested whether we are or not.
CHEERFULNESS AND ANIMATION.
No one has a right to go into society unless he can
be sympathetic, unselfish and animating as well as animated. Society demands cheerfulness and unselfishness, and it is the duty of every one to help make and
sustain it in these features. The manner of conversation is quite as important as the matter.
COMPLIMENTS.
Compliments are entirely admissible between equals,
or from those of superior to those of inferior station.
It is always pleasant to know that our friends think
well of us, and especially those who are above us. Of
course compliments should be sincere; if they are not,




CONVERSATION.


85


they are only flattery and should be avoided. The
saying of kind things, however, which is perfectly natural to a kind heart, always confers a pleasure and
should be cultivated. Never censure a child for a
fault without at the same time mentioning some of its
good qualities.  Studiously avoid all unkindness.
Never in a private circle speak of absent ones other
than in a complimentary way.
SMALL TALK.
There is a mysterious difficulty about talking well.
A man may have done a vast deal of reading, may have
a good memory and a sound judgment, he may ex
press his thoughts in elegant language, season his conversation with wit and be a walking encyclopaedia, and
after all be a dull companion. It must be borne in
mind that all the world do not read books, and many
of those who do, never care about them. Everybody,
however, loves to talk. When we are wearied with
toil or tired with thought we naturally love to chat,
and it is pleasant to hear the sound of one's own voice.
What we mean by small talk is, talk upon common,
every-day matters, about the little trifling and innocent
things of usual occurrence; in short, that vast world of
topics upon which every one can talk, and which are
as interesting to children and simple minded persons
as the greater questions are to the learned. Many
affect a great measure of wisdom by speaking contemptuously of common-place talk, but it is only affected.
Real wisdom makes a man an agreeable companion.
Talk upon those topics which appear to interest your
hearers most, no matter how, common they may be.
The real wisdom and power of a conversationalist is




86


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


shown in making a common-place topic interesting.
Many imagine that it is an easy matter to talk about
nothing or every-day occurrences, but it requires an
active and observant mind, and no small share of
invaluable good humor, to say something on everything to everybody. If a man is never to open his
mouth but for the enunciation of some profound
aphorism, or something that has never been said; if
he is to be eternally talking volumes and discussing
knotty problems, his talk becomes a burden, and he
will find that but few of his audience will be willing
to listen to him. Small talk obviates the necessity of
straining the mind and assuming unnatural attitudes,
as though you were exerting your mental powers. It
puts the mind at ease. There is no intention of saying
anything profound, and nobody is disappointed if you
do not, so in this way time may be spent agreeably
and to the enjoyment of all.
FLATTERY.
Flattery is an ensnaring quality, and leaves a very
dangerous impression. It swells a man's imagination,
entertains his fancy, and drives him to doting upon his
person. "He does me double wrong," says Shakespeare, "that wounds me with the flatteries of his
tongue." Never be guilty of the habit. Testify your
respect, your admiration and your gratitude by deeds
rather than words. The former will carry confirmation,
while few will believe the latter.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
Young persons appear most ridiculous when trying
to make others ridiculous by satire or ridicule. To




CONVERSATION.


such weapons as these cultivated people never resort.
They find too much to correct in themselves to indulge
in coarse censure of the foibles and conduct of others.
TITLES.
In addressing persons with titles always add the
name, as " How do you do, Doctor Griffin?" not " How
do you do, Doctor?" In addressing foreigners the reverse of the English rule is observed. No matter what
the title of a Frenchman is, he is always addressed as
Monsieur, and you never omit the word Madame
whether addressing a duchess or a dressmaker. To
omit the proper title in society is a sign of ill breeding.
ADAPTABILITY IN CONVERSATION.
The secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation to your company. Some talk common-place altogether, while others seek more abstract subjects to the
entire exclusion of small talk. One must be able to
keenly detect what is interesting to his hearer, and
govern himself accordingly.
HOW A HUSBAND SHOULD SPEAK OF HIS WIFE.
It is improper for a gentleman to say "my wife,"
except to intimate acquaintances; he should mention
her as Mrs. So-and-so. When in private he may use
the expression "my dear," or simply the Christian
name.
HOW A LADY SHOULD SPEAK OF HER HUSBAND
She should not say "my husband," except among
intimates. She should designate him by his name,




88


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


calling him "Mr."; or a young wife may designate
her husband by his Christian name.
IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS.
Never ask impertinent questions. Never betray a
curiosity to know of the private and domestic affairs
of others. A thousand questions of this sort are asked
which often cause embarrassment.
VULGAR EXCLAMATIONS.
Such exclamations as " The Dickens," or "Mercy,"
or "Good Gracious," should never be used. If you
are surprised or astonished, suppress the fact. Such
expressions border closely on profanity.
CONVERSING WITH LADIES.
A gentleman should never lower the intellectual
standard in conversing with ladies. He should con
sider them as equal in understanding with himself. A
lady of intelligence will not feel complimented by anp
means, if, when you talk to her, you "come down"
to common-place topics.
THINGS TO BE AVOIDED.
Do not lose your temper in society; avoid all coarseness and undue familiarity in addressing others; never
attack the character of others in their absence; avoid
all cant; do not ask the price of articles you observe,
except from intimate friends, and then very quietly;
never give officious advice; and especially avoid contradictions and interruptions.




CHAPTER X.


TABLE ETIQUETTE.
QIANNERS are made for the convenience and comfort of men.
11All social observances  are
i  founded upon good reason and
common sense. It may seem
to us that society has adopted
a great many useless customs,
but, generally speaking, it is
not so, for the observance of
these customs will enable us to
be more agreeable, or at least
not disagreeable, to friends.
The distinction between the
gentleman and the boor is more
clearly noted at table than anywhere else. Nothing
reflects more upon home training than bad manners
here. If, then, we would merit the title of lady or
gentleman, it is necessary that we may be able, naturally and easily, to show our good breeding by gentility at the table. Here, especially, may it be said
that good manners can not be assumed for an occasion.
Children must be taught by parents, both by precept
and example, to be attentive and polite to each other
(89)




90


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


at every meal; to observe proper rules of etiquetie
regularly. If they are so taught, there is no danger
that they will ever appear rude, awkward or unmannerly when they are entertaining, or are entertained as
guests. Thus, this every-day encouragement of the
observance of simple and sensible table manners promotes the comfort and cultivation of the family, and
takes the embarrassment out of important occasions


CHEERFULNESS IN THE DINING-ROOM.


The hour of dining should be made an hour of solid
comfort. The dining-room, the table and all the appurtenances should be as cheerful as possible. The
room should be comfortable, bright and cosy, and at
the table the mistress should wear her brightest smile.
If you have trials and troubles, do not bring them to
the table. They impair digestion, and send husband




TPA13IME  ETIQVtETTIh.


91


and children to business and to school glum and
gloomy, instead of refreshed and strengthened.  It
was always one of Gen. Washington's rules of politeness never to talk upon a sad and dispiriting subject
at the table, but rather to make the conversation jovial
and jocular. Taste will add beauty to the plainest
room; neatness and skill will add appetite to the
homeliest fare. Little attentions to the decorations
or pretty arrangement of the table will charm the
eye and whet the appetite, and make the home table
powerfully attractive.
CHILDREN'S MANNERS.
Rudeness and "ugliness " from the children at table
should not be permitted. Bad manners should be
restrained at all places; but more especially should
children be required to observe the rules of common
politeness at table. They should be regularly taught
to say, "Will you please," "I thank you," etc., not
only when they are away from home, or when company is present, but constantly at their own home
table.  It then becomes a habit.  All habits of
eagerness or greediness in eating should be carefully
guarded against; and all persons should learn by
their training to make their manners at table especially attractive and agreeable
It is not our purpose here to write special rules of
etiquette to be observed at social dinners and important receptions, of the duties of the host and hostess
on such occasions, and the like, but rather to speak
of common rules of table manners which are to be
observed constantly in the family, at home or abroad.




AMERICAN  TIQtUETTE.


To this end we can probably say more in a short space
of time by bringing under one head
GENERAL RULES ON TABLE ETIQUETTE.
When you are at the table do not show restlessness,
by fidgeting in your seat, or moving the feet about
unnecessarily.
Do not play with the table utensils, or crumble the
bread. This is annoying to persons who have been
trained correctly in youth.
Do not put your elbows on the table, or sit too far
back, or lounge.
Do not talk loud or boisterously.
Be cheerful in conduct and conversation.
Never, if possible, cough or sneeze at the table.
Do not bend the head low down over the plate. The
food should go to the mouth, not the mouth to the
food.
Never tilt back your chair while at table, or at any
other time.
Do not be conspicuously careful as to your clothing.
It is very properly regarded as impolite to manifest
regret for any accident that may have befallen your
dress. Good manners require that as little attention
as possible be paid to these, and that one should turn
the conversation as quickly as possible to some other
subject.
Do not talk when the mouth is full.
Never make a noise while eating.
Do not open the mouth while chewing, but keep the
lips closed. It is not necessary to ahow persons how
you masticate your food.




If,
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I. I.11
I                 i,O-                 71
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I            iI
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94


AMERICAN ETIQUETTR.


Never indicate that you notice anything unpleasant
in the food.
Chew the food well, but quietly and slowly.
Break your bread, when not buttered; do not bite
nor cut it.
Do not break your bread into soup, nor mix with
gravy. It is in bad taste to mix food on the plate.
Never leave the table before the rest of the family
or guests, without asking the host or hostess to excuse
you.
Eat soup from the side of a spoon, without noise.
The fork is used to convey the food to the mouth,
except when a spoon is necessary for liquids.
Raw oysters are eaten with a fork.
If you wish to be served with more tea or coffee,
place your spoon in your saucer.
Tea or coffee should never be poured into the saucer
to cool, but sipped from the cup.
If a dish is passed to you, serve yourself first and
then pass it on.
We can not do better, in closing this chapter, than
to quote from an eminent authority in housekeeping
etiquette: "Let no one suppose that, because she lives
in a small house and dines on homely fare, the general
principles here laid down do not apply to her. A
small house is more easily kept clean than a palace.
Taste may be quite as well displayed in the arrangement of dishes on a pine table, as in grouping the
silver and china of the rich. Skill in cooking is as
readily shown in a baked potato or johnny-cake as in
a canvas-back duck. The charm of good housekeeping
lies in a nice attention to little things, not in a superabundance.




CHAPTER XI.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
|, <^     A     -RUE politeness is not a,
garment that can be put
on and off at pleasure. It
is habit pursued persistently until it has grown:lT    "-      "   into the nature and be4\ 1 /. -,   come abiding. On the
streets, in public conveyances, amid the jostling
y ---~~ c-    -    crowd, beneath the care
and fret of work, as well
as in the sunshine of the
drawing-room, it is ever present. The true gentleman
and lady are always kind and courteous to all they
meet, regarding not merely the rights of others, but
even their wishes and feelings. Where a gentleman
can render aid, he kindly gives it; nor does he ever
fail in respect for ladies, or his superiors in age and
rank. Let no one hesitate in acts of politeness for
fear he will not meet with a proper recognition and
return. If courtesy is answered by neglect or insult,
whose fault is that except the boorish person's?
695)




96


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


OSTENTATION.
Do not try to " show yourself off" upon the streets.
The true secret of street deportment is to do so nearly
as other people do, that you attract no special attention. A peculiar and affected gait or swinging of the
cane, cocking of the head to one side, wearing the hat
"on one ear," holding a cigar in an affected manner,
and many other similar things, are evident marks of
verdancy and shallowness. Hallooing and boisterous
talking and laughing are to be avoided.
In the matter of dress for walking in the public
thoroughfare, simplicity is the great desideratum; nor
does this necessarily imply lack of richness. The lady
and the gentleman will at all times endeavor to avoid
attracting attention.
Time was when a lady took a gentleman's arm when
walking with him in the day-time, but this is no longer
allowable, except in the cases hereafter mentioned
The innate respect and chivalry of the American citizen assure to the woman at all times perfect immunity
from danger and insult, and the protection implied in
taking a gentleman's arm is unnecessary.
In the evening a gentleman may offer his arm to a
lady, especially in crowded thoroughfares, and she is
at liberty to accept it or not, as she chooses.
A gentleman should never stop a lady and keep her
standing in the street while he talks to her, and in no
case should he join her on a public thoroughfare unless
he be a friend or acquaintance of long standing.
On parting from a lady the hat should always be
removed, and when promenading where the same people pass and repass it is sufficient to bow once.




STREET JTIQUTETTE.


SAL UTATIONS.
Salutations in the streets vary with the circumstances. In some cases we simply bow; in others we
bow and touch the hat. Words of greeting may or
may not accompany the salutation. Generally, gentlemen should lift the hat from the head in saluting
ladies, or men entitled to great respect.
WHOM TO RECOGNIZE.
No one, while walking the streets, should fail, either
through carelessness or willful neglect, to recognize
acquaintances. When a gentleman meets a gentleman
acquaintance in company with a lady whom he does
not know, he lifts his hat as he salutes them both. If
acquainted with the lady, he salutes her first. A gentleman should return a salutation addressed to the
lady he accompanies. No gentleman can fail to return
a salutation addressed to him by a lady.
THE FIRST TO BOW.
In this country it is customary for a gentleman to
bow and lift his hat to every lady acquaintance whom
he meets; and, if she is well bred, she will return the
greeting. The salutations can usually be simultaneous.
"C UTTING."
To "cut" an acquaintance by refusing to return a
salutation should be avoided; except, perhaps, where
a young lady finds it necessary to use severe means to
rid herself of a troublesome would-be gentleman.
7




AMERICAN ETIQUtETTE.


KEEP TO THE RIGHT.
In passing people, turn to the right. But a gentleman walking alone should give the preferred part of
the walk to a lady, to a superior in age or station, or
to a person carrying a burden.
THE GENTLEMAN AND 111S HAT.
In bowing to a lady a gentleman should remove his
hat with the hand farthest from her, and all undue
exaggeration or affectation in the action is to be studiously avoided. One gentleman does not remove his
hat when bowing to another gentleman, unless the
latter is much older than himself, or is accompanied
by a lady. Between gentlemen of equal age and standing there are many recognized methods of salutation,
such as touching the hat with a graceful movement of
the hand, or simply waving the hand with a gesture
suggestive of friendly recognition.
All recognitions in the street or in public places
should be made in a decided manner, so as to leave no
doubt in the mind of the person for whom the salutation is intended.
When the hat is removed the head only should be
slightly inclined, and not the body.
INQUISITIVENESS.
When you meet or join an acquaintance on the street
ask no intrusive questions about where he is going, or
where he has been, or about any package he may be
carrying. Let him make the first advance on these
themes. Prying curiosity is indelicate, even if the
victim be your most intimate friend.




STREET ETIQUETTE.


99


KEEPING STEP.
Persons walking together on the street should keep
step; especially if walking arm-in-arm.
LADY AND GENTLEMAN WALKING TOGETHER.
A gentleman walking with a lady may take either
side of the walk; but he will always give her the preferred side, or that on which she will be least exposed
to crowding-usually the side toward the wall. On
having crossed the street, to unlock arms and interchange positions is too formal.
WALKING ARM-IN-ARM.
Under ordinary circumstances it is not customary
for a gentleman and lady to walk the streets arm-inarm in the daytime; unless they be husband and
wife, or are otherwise closely related, as parent and
son or daughter.  But, in the evening, or when her
safety or comfort seem to require it, a gentleman will
offer alady his arm, and she should accept.
STOPPING PEOPLE ON THE STREET.
It is uncivil to stop a person in the street to speak
on business of your own. An inferior should on no
pretense detain a superior, nor a gentleman a lady.
If you wish to speak about something interesting to
both, turn and walk the same way as the person you
meet is going. A gentleman must always observe this
rule when he wishes to confer with a lady. When he
has finished what he has to say, he leaves her with a
bow and lift of the hat. It is optional with a lady
whether she shall stop to speak.




100


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


When'two gentlemen who are intimate friends meet,
and there is a mutual desire to stop and converse, they
may of course do so, provided they retire to the side
of the walk.
If you stop a friend who has a stranger with him,
apologize to the stranger. An introduction is not
necessary.
When on your way to fulfill an engagement, if a
friend stops you, you may excuse yourself courteously, mentioning the fact that you have an engagement.
WHERE TO LOOK.
Look in the way you are going, both to avoid collisions and because it is bad manners to stare in any
other direction. If you chance to see an acquaintance
at a window you should bow; but, by all means, do
not stare into houses. Avoid looking full into the
faces of strangers whom you meet, especially of ladies.
SHOPPING ETIQUETTE.
Say to the salesman, "Please show me such an
article," or use some other polite form of expression.
Avoid "jewing," and never give insult by offensively
suggesting that you can do better elsewhere. Do not
needlessly consume the time of the clerk and keep
other customers waiting. If you find friends in the
store, it is uncivil to interrupt them in any manner
while they are making their purchases. Above all, do
not volunteer your criticism either upon their taste or
upon the goods. It is exceedingly rude to the salesman to sneer at or depreciate his wares. If you do
not see what you want, or are not satisfied with the
prices, quietly retire.




STREET ETIQUETTE.


101


P UBLIC ETIQUETTE FOR MEN.
The American man of business, in the pursuit of his
daily vocation, is permitted a rather wider latitude in
the business portions of the city than would be accorded to him where men and women meet solely for social
purposes.
Much comment has been made on the prevailing
habit of men wearing their hats in elevators in the
presence of ladies, but it would seem impossible to expect a man, in the business portions of the city, and in
those buildings specially set apart for business purposes, and where ladies are seldom, if ever, to be seen,
to be continually removing his hat; the crowded condition of these conveyances frequently preclude the
possibility of such attention, and the general rush and
turmoil during business hours is, in itself, inimical to
such social amenities. On the other hand, in the elevators attached to hotels and such places, frequented
habitually by both sexes, it is eminently improper to
neglect to uncover the head in the presence of a lady.
The question as to whether a gentleman should at all
times yield his seat to a lady in a horse-car, or other
public conveyance, is one more readily settled. The
truly polite man will never remain seated while women
are standing. The argument that men are frequently
tired after a hard day's work, and need the rest as
much, or more, than the weaker sex is nothing to the
point. The essence of true politeness and civility is in
self-abnegation.
If a party of ladies enter a car gentlemen should
change their seats, and, if possible, permit the ladies
to sit together.




102


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


ETIQUETTE FOR PUBLIC CONVEYANCES.
In public conveyances one should do nothing to discommode or annoy his fellow passengers. No gentleman will keep his seat while ladies are standing for
want of room; nor will he keep other gentlemen
standing by occupying unnecessary space. A lady on
accepting a seat from a gentleman will thank him.
Never engage in loud conversation or argument, such
as will attract the attention of other passengers. Gentlemen will not stretch their feet into the passage way.
JOINING A LADY ON THE STREET.
A gentleman should not join a lady acquaintance on
the street for the purpose of walking with her, unless
he ascertains that his company will be perfectly agreeable to her.
CARRYING PA CKAGES.
A gentleman walking with a lady will offer to carry
any package which she may have in her hand. He
may even accost a lady whom he sees overburdened,
and tender his assistance.
OPENING THE DOOR.
If practicable, a gentleman should hold open the
door for a lady to enter first, be it the lady accompanying him or a stranger. He should never pass
before a lady unless it is unavoidable, and even then
be sure to apologize.
ANSWERING Q UESTIONS.
A gentleman will answer politely any question from
a lady, at the same time lifting his hat,




STREET ETIQUETTE.


103


STREET LOAFING.
No gentleman is ever guilty of standing in public
places and offensively gazing at ladies as they pass.
SMOKING.
A gentleman should not smoke while he is walking
with a lady; nor will he smoke in any conveyance or
room where ladies are present.
WHO GOES FIRST.
When a gentleman and lady are walking together,
if, on account of the crowd, or for any other reason,
they must proceed singly, the gentleman should precede; except in descending a flight of stairs.
STREET MANNERS OF A LADY.
The true lady walks the streets unostentatiously and
with becoming reserve. So long as she maintains this
character she is sacred from insult or injury, even by
the rudest. She recognizes acquaintances with a
courteous bow, and friends with words of greeting.
She appears unconscious of all sights and sounds
which a lady ought npt to perceive.
ASKING AND RECEIVING FAVORS.
A lady never demands favors from a gentleman, but
accepts them gracefully when offered. She may with
perfect propriety accept aid of a stranger in entering
or alighting from a conveyance. She should acknowledge the courtesy with a bow or thanks,




104


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


A VOIDING CARRIAGES.
For a lady to run across the street before a carriage
% inelegant and dangerous.


STREET ACQ UAINTANCES.
A lady never forms acquaintances of gentlemen on
the streets, nor does she do anything to court their
attention.
WALKING ALONE IN EVENING.
A young lady should never walk the streets alone
after dark.




CHAPTER XII.


TRAVELING.
E A D IN G gives fullnes,
writing  exactness, and
-      e n speaking readiness of inte     ormation; but it remains
for traveling to combine
whie e   all of these things in one.:e on b     To the traveler belong
piquancy of conversation, liberality of view,
and charity of judgment, which come only
from   contact with
strange  places and
many people. No one.i.     U            can hope to become
thoroughly  polished
and refined in the manners of his time, unless he be
cosmopolitan in his experience. Traveling is an art,
and to be successful, one needs an understanding of
the many little rules and amenities to be observed
while en route, and in stopping at hotels and other
places. Full directions as to manners, and what is to
be done by the traveler, follow.
(105)




106


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


DUTIES OF AN ESCORT.
To a lady taking a journey, an escort is agreeable
and acceptable, however ladylike, self-possessed and
capable of making the journey alone she may be. If
a gentleman undertakes the escort of a lady, he
should go with her to the depot, or meet her there,
attend to checking her baggage, purchase her ticket,
procure for her an acceptable seat in the cars, dispose
of her hand-baggage and packages properly, and
strive to make her seat and surroundings agreeable.
He should take a seat near her, or, if requested, by
her side, and do all he can to make her journey a
pleasant one. When her destination is reached, he
should conduct her to a carriage or ladies' waitingroom, until he has attended to her baggage according
to her instructions. He should accompany her to
whatever part of the city she wishes to go, and deliver
her into the hands of her friends before relaxing his
care. He should call upon her the following day, and
inquire after her health. It is optional with the lady
whether the acquaintance shall be prolonged after
this call. If the lady does not wish the acquaintance
prolonged, she and her friends can have no right to
ask a similar favor of him again.
DUTY OF A LADY TO HER ESCORT.
At the suggestion of her escort, the lady may allow
him to defray the expense of her journey out of his
own pocket without settling with him at the end of
the journey, but she should not do this. She should
offer him a sum of money ample to pay all expenses
of the journey before purchasing her ticket.  The




TRAVELING.


former course should be pursued only when suggested
by the gentleman, and a strict account of all expenses
should be insisted upon. Ladies should be very particular about this point.
A lady should make no unnecessary demands upon
her escort, and should cause him as little trouble as
possible. Her hand-baggage should remain undisturbed, unless absolutely needed.  She will gather
her baggage together as the train nears the end of the
journey, and, when the train stops, she will be prepared to leave the cars at once, and not cause her
escort needless delay.
ONE LADY MAY ESCORT ANOTHER.
It is the right and duty of ladies to assist, or render
needed services to those who are younger or less experienced in traveling than themselves. They should
be courteous, give advice, and strive to make the journey as pleasant as possible to younger or inexperienced ladies. It is optional whether an acquaintance
formed in traveling is retained afterward.
LADY TRA VELING ALONE.
If a lady is traveling alone, she may accept services
from her fellow travelers. A gentleman should offer
to raise or lower windows, offer his assistance in carrying packages from the car, engaging a carriage or
attending to a trunk. It is advisable, however, for
ladies to study self-reliance. Young ladies should
very rarely accept proffered assistance from strangers.
COMFORT AND WANTS OF OTHERS.
In seeking his own comfort a passenger should
always consult the wishes and look to the welfare of




108


log  AMNE1MA1O   ETIQIYETTI3X


passengers immediately around him. Do not raise a
window unless you know it will not be a discomfort
to another. Look to the wants of elderly people and
ladies, before you think of your own. Do not rush
and push in entering or leaving cars or boats. A selfish act might endanger the health of a fellow traveler.
THE TOURIST.
Above all others, the tourist in a foreign land should
be specially careful not to outrage the manners and
customs of the country in which he finds himself, nor
to flaunt his views and objections in the face of every
stranger he meets. Toleration is a sure sign of education and good breeding.
As a rule, mankind have a tendency to be less cautious about their behavior when in foreign lands than
when at home, perhaps because they are under the
impression that, as they are among strangers, they
may safely relax their good manners. Such people
should remember that they are, for the time being,
representatives of the country to which they belong,
and that, in a sense, the reputation of their fellow
countrymen is entrusted to their care. Besides, the
true gentleman is a gentleman under all circumstances.
FORMtNG ACQUAINTANCES.
WhEn traveling, discretion should be used in forming acquaintances. Ladies may accept small favors,
but any attempt at familiarity must be checked at
once. Gentlemen will not attempt familiarity. The
practice of flirting with young men on the cars or a
boat, so common among young girls, is unladylike,
and indicates extreme low breeding. If the journey




TRAVELING.


109


is long, and on a steamboat, fellow passengers should
be sociable to one another; and a married lady or
middle aged lady is privileged to make the journey
enjoyable.
RETAINING POSSESSION OF A SEAT.
A gentleman may take possession of a seat by depositing his overcoat or traveling bag upon it, to show
that it is engaged. He may then go to purchase his
ticket or procure a lunch, and no one should take the
seat thus engaged, not even for a lady. A gentleman
leaving his seat and taking another in the smoking-car,
can not reserve his rights to the first seat. He pays for
one seat only, and in taking another he forfeits the
first. A gentleman is not required to relinquish his
seat in a railway car in favor of a lady, though a gentleman of good breeding will do so rather than allow
a lady to stand or suffer inconvenience. No woman
should be allowed to stand in a street-car, when seats
are occupied by gentlemen.
OCCUPYING TOO MANY SEATS.
If a car is crowded, a lady will not retain more than
her rightful seat. She should cheerfully arrange her
baggage, that the seat beside her may be occupied by
any one who desires it.
If two persons, either gentlemen or ladies, are so
ill-mannered as to turn over the seat in front of them
and fill it with baggage and wraps, and retain it while
others are unaccommodated, any person who wishes,
is justified in reversing the back, removing the bag.
gage, and taking possession of the seat.




'~ Js,L




CHAPTER XIII.


RIDING AND DRIVING.
ladies should learn to ride on
horseback, and participate in
VI A  ithis enjoyable exercise as
much as possible. Too many
j-  _  E  B e  _ young men think themselves
above horseback riding,when,
in fact, they can not engage
in a more fashionable, beneficial and delightful amusement.
LEARNING TO RIDE.
No one should attempt to appear in public on
horseback until after ractitecing several times, or until
he or she has learned to appear at ease. When
riding, keep the body erect, and the head up. Press
your knees close to your horse's sides. Keep one arm
close to your side, and let it hang gracefully. Hold
4111)




112


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


the reins in one hand, and keep the hand directly over
the "horn" of the saddle, with the elbow close to
your side.


THE GENTLEMAN'S DUTY AS AN ESCORT.
When a gentleman has an engagement to go riding
with a lady, he should be very careful in selecting her horse, and should procure one that she can
easily manage. It is his duty to see that her saddle
and bridle are perfectly secure; trust nothing to the
stable men, without personal examination. He must
not keep the lady waiting, clad in her riding costume,




RIDUING   ANI) I)RIVLIVG.


but he must be punctual at the appointed hour.
Before he mounts himself, he must see that the lady
is comfortably seated in her saddle. He should take
his position on the right of the lady in riding, open all
gates, pay all tolls on the road, and be constantly on
the lookout for anything that might frighten the
lady's horse.  Every attention possible should be
rendered her.
ASSISTING A LADY TO MOUNT.
The lady should place herself on the left side of the
horse, standing as close to it as possible. She will
place one hand on the saddle, the other on the gentleman's shoulder, as he kneels for the purpose, and the
left foot in his hand, and, by a slight spring, will be
nicely seated in the saddle. The gentleman will then
adjust her foot to the stirrup, neatly fold the ridinghabit, and give her the reins and her riding-whip.
ASSISTING A LADY TO ALIGHT FROM HER HORSE.
The gentleman must assist the lady to alight after
the ride. She should first free her knee from the
pommel, and then disengage her habit. He must then
take her left hand in his right, and offer his left hand
as a step for her foot. He then lowers his hand slowly
and allows her to reach the ground gently, without
springing. It is dangerous for a lady to spring from
a saddle, and hence it should not be attempted.
RIDING WITH LADIES.
A gentleman should take his position on the right of
a lady in riding. If there are two or more, his position is still to the right, unless his presence near one
8




114


114AMER1OAX VMQt1%TET


is requested, or his assistance needed. It is the duty
of a gentleman to offer all the courtesies of the road
and yield the shadiest and best side to the ladies. The
pace at which to ride must always be decided by the
lady, and it is unkind to urge her horse to a more
rapid gait than she desires.
If a gentleman is riding alone and meets a lady who
is walking, and desires to speak with her, he must
alight and remain on foot while talking with her.
If a groom is in attendance he should accommodate
the pace of his horse to that of those in front of him,
and at the same time avoid causing his horse to do
anything which would be likely to attract attention.
The dress of the groom is a short tunic of the color of
the livery used by the family, breeches and top boots,
a silk hat, and a broad leather belt worn at the waist.
It is customary for the groom to preserve a distance
of from 75 to 100 yards in the rear, and to be on the
alert and ready in case of emergency or call.
It must be remembered that when riding in public
places care should be taken to observe the customs of
the road. It is correct to pass to the right, and to
overtake to the left, and never forget that the foot passenger has the right of way at all times and under all
circumstances. Ladies should never ride without a
male escort within the limits of the city, and even then
they should be seen as little as possible upon the more
public thoroughfares. Parks and such places should
be reached by the most secluded routes.
DRIVING AND CARRIAGE ETIQ UETTE.
Ladies who are invited to drive with gentlemen, at a
certain hour, should be ready exactly at the moment.




RIDING AND DRIVING.


115


It is neither well-bred nor dignified to keep any one
waiting who has made an appointment conducive to
your pleasure. Have everything ready, gloves on
and buttoned up, and all arrangements of the toilet
complete.
The seat facing the horses in a double carriage is the
choicest, and gentlemen should always yield it to the
ladies. A gentleman should sit opposite a lady in a
two-seated carriage unless invited to sit by her. The
right hand of the seat facing the horses is the place of
honor, and belongs to the hostess, which she never
resigns. It must be offered to the most distinguished
lady, if the hostess is not driving. No gentleman will
smoke when driving with ladies. A lady who is
invited to drive with a gentleman can not offer to take
a friend with her.
A person, to prevent turning around in the carriage,
should enter with the back to the seat. A young lady
driving with a gentleman should resent any undue
approach to familiarity. Above all, she should avoid
late hours, if driving on a summer evening. It is her
duty to remind her escort that it is growing late. It
is not prudent to drive later than nine o'clock, unless
there is a party driving in company, or the escort is a
relativeoor an old and trusted friend. A gentleman will
not ask a young lady to compromise herself by driving
with him at an unseemly hour. Fast driving should
only be practiced with a fast horse. A pleasant, rapid
trot is safer and more enjoyable than going at a breakneck speed. A gentleman should always wear gloves
when driving with a lady. It is the custom for the
gentleman driving to sit on the right of the lady, but
in Boston it is the reverse, unless the lady is his wife,




116


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


sister or some near relative. A lady should always be
sure that she has a safe escort and a safe horse. In
driving, one should always remember that the rule of
the road, in meeting and passing another vehicle, is to
keep to the right. It is rude to turn backward and
look at objects that have been passed, or to stare about
and point to houses, or to other parties in carriages.
A dignified composure of manner should be maintained
when driving, neither reclining too much, nor sitting
bolt upright. To drive past all other carriages in a
violent manner is inexcusable.
In assisting a lady to enter a carriage, a gentleman
will see that her skirt or dress is protected from the
wheel, mud or dust. A carriage robe should be provided for this purpose. Before seating himself, the
gentleman should provide the lady with her shawl,
parasol and fan, and see that she is comfortable in
every way.
In assisting a lady to alight from a carriage, a gentleman will, when convenient, alight first. If to alight
first he would have to pass in front of the ladies or step
over them, it is better to aid them in alighting first.
If there is a servant with the carriage, the latter may
hold open the door, but the gentleman must by all
means furnish the ladies the required assistance. It
should be remembered that the greatest politeness in
such matters is to do that which the least embarrasses
the ladies.
If a lady has occasion to leave the carriage before
the gentleman accompanying her, he must alight to
assist her out, and wait on the pavement during her
stay. If a lady wishes to speak with a friend or
acquaintance who may be walking on the street, the




RIDING AND DRIVING.           117
gentleman should stop the carriage, alight, hold open
the door with one hand and hold his hat in the other.
It should be remembered by lovers that hedges and
stone walls have ears. Many absurd scenes of lovemaking have been witnessed from behind these screens.
Interference with the driver implies a reproof, which
is very offensive. If you are in fear of danger resulting
from his driving, you may suggest a change, apologizing therefor. Resign yourself to the driver's control, and be perfectly calm and self-possessed during
the course of a dri 'e.








CHAPTER XIV.


ETIQUETTE IN PUBLIC PLACES.
j    'N the public assembly we come most in con.
iw        tact with our fellow men at large.
Here there are laid down for society
certain rules, which we must observe
if we have regard for the feelings of
others.  These rules are not arbitrary, but, like all other rules of,          politeness, are founded upon natural instincts and common sense. As
it is self-evidently improper in conversation to contradict bluntly, or to
interrupt another while talking, so
there are improprieties in the public
assemblage so manifestly unbecoming that the well-bred man instinct-:s^, ~ — ively refrains from them. Common
sense, a desire to treat others as you
would be treated, refinement of feelings, and natural
instincts as to right and wrong, will readily lead one
to the exercise of good behavior in all public places.
Yet how often do we see persons, from the lack of
some of these qualities, from ignorance, thoughtlessness, carelessness or lack of refined instincts, constantly violating the etiquette of public assemblages
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120


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


or the public street. Many persons, from lack of
care on the subject, fail to do, and often to know,
what the common rules of civility demand in such
places, and may, therefore, read with benefit the
commonplace and ordinary regulations of refinement
in this respect.
CONDUCT IN PUBLIC CONVEYANCES.
In railway cars no one has a right to more than one
seat, unless more than one is paid for. To beat time or
shuffle the feet, or make any monotonous noise, which
is a nuisance to fellow travelers, shows bad breeding
or neglect in training. When you have jostled or
incommoded a person, you should be quick to say,
"I beg your pardon."  When you receive attention
or a favor, acknowledge it by "I thank you," instead
of "Thanks." We notice that " Thanks " has become
a vulgarism from the abuse of the word. A gentleman
will stand, if necessary, to give a lady a seat, and he
will not smoke when ladies are in the car.
CONDUCT IN CHURCH.
The congregation who build a church, build it and
continue to regard it as the house of God. It is, then,
a place where the greatest deference, respect and reverence are due. It does not matter whether you are a
professed Christian, indifferent to religion, or an
avowed infidel; when you are in a house belonging to
persons who regard it as the house of God, this
respect is due. A person is bound by the laws of
civility to refrain from acting in your house in a way
which it is known you regard as improper. So are you
bound to refrain from conduct regarded as improper




ETIQUETTE IN PUBLIC PLACES.


121


in the houses of others. It is not a question as to how
much respect you have for religion. A polite man, a
man of refined sentiments, will not scoff at or ridicule
a neighbor's religious belief in that neighbor's house.
The reviler and scoffer have lost the instincts of politeness and reverence. While in church, then, we should
be respectful and reverent, attentive to the services,
preserving the utmost silence, avoiding whispering,
laughing, staring, or making a noise with the feet or
hands.
It is ill-mannered to be late at church. If one is
unavoidably late it is better to take a seat as near the
door as possible. But if not late, and the seats in the
front part of the auditorium are not occupied, respectful decorum requires that a back seat shall not be
taken. This rule is especially applicable to young
people. Its observance shows a desire to pay respectful attention to the services.
It is the height of rudeness to turn around in your
seat to gaze at any one, to watch the choir, to watch
anxiously to see who is coming in, to give critical
glances at people's clothes, or to look over the congregation to see the cause of a disturbing noise.
A person should never leave church until the services are over, except in some case of emergency.
If books or fans are passed in church, let it be done
quietly; they may be offered, and accepted or refused
by a silent gesture of the head. If a stranger occupies
your pew, it is courteous to provide him with a book;
if the service is strange to him, the place of reading
may be indicated. If there be no separate prayer
book or hymn book for a stranger, it is proper to offer
to share yours with him.




122


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


If you are visiting a church different in belief from.
your own, or one for whose ceremony you have but
little respect, still pay the utmost respect to the services, and conform respectfully to all the observances
of the congregation, i. e., kneel, sit and rise as the congregation is accustomed to do.  By all means never
permit a contemptuous smile or remark to indicate
that a religious observance strikes you as grotesque or
peculiar. This rule should be carefully regarded no
matter where you are, in whatever religious assembly-alike in the temple of the Christian, the Buddhist, the Moslem or the Hindoo.
A gentleman should remove his hat upon entering
the vestibule of the auditorium.
If visiting a strange church, you should wait in the
vestibule until an usher appears to show you to a seat.
A well-ordered congregation will as soon think of
doing without a preacher as an usher.
When a gentleman accompanies a lady to church he
may walk up the aisle a little ahead of or by her side,
allowing the lady to enter the pew first. There should
be no haste in passing. When the services are concluded, there should be no haste or crowding toward
the door, but the departure should be conducted
quietly and orderly. It is very improper to stop in
the aisle to converse, and thus blockade the passageway. That is one of the uses of the vestibule; and
when that is reached, it is allowable to exchange greetings with friends. The practice that rude boys have,
of waiting on the steps or at the door of a church, for
the crowd to pass out, compelling the ladies to run
the gauntlet of their eyes, can not be too severely condemned. No gentleman will engage in it. Every




)


I


4V


A




724


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


gentleman regards it as a contemptible practice, worthy only of the buffoon or boor, even a disgrace to a
respectable community.
CONDUCT IN A PUBLIC HALL.
Gentlemen should precede ladies, to clear the way,
in a public hall, unless there is an usher preceding
them. Upon reaching the seats, he should allow her
the inner one, assuming the outer one himself. He
should on no account leave the lady's side from the
beginning to the close of the performance.
Some acts which, we are sorry to say, are often to
be seen among young people at public entertainments
are so manifestly improper, it is not necessary to comment upon them here; a mere suggestion will suffice.
To talk and laugh in tones loud enough to disturb
others, to whisper, to force one's self into a seat
already full, to elbow one's way through a crowd, to
unnecessarily obstruct the view of others, to make any
noise which would disturb the performance, or to
interfere with the rights of others, are all properly
regarded as acts of flagrant rudeness.
A gentleman accompanying a lady is under no obligation to give up his seat to another lady. His duty
is solely to the lady whom he accompanies.
Persons attending a public performance, concert,
lecture, opera or theatre, should be appreciative of
the excellent parts of the performance, and express
their appreciation and satisfaction by proper applause.
By all means remain in your seat till the close of
the performance. The practice of leaving the hall
while the performance is in progress, or while it is
drawing to a close, is justly regarded as offensive.




VTtQUEiTTE IN PUBLIC PLACES.


125


Common politeness to the performers, a courteous
regard for the rights of the audience, the common instincts of civility, all demand that this offense shall be
avoided.


CONDTUCT AT PUBLIC EXHIBITS, FAIRS, PICTURE
GALLERIES, ETC.
A person can never afford to lay aside the deportment of the lady or the gentleman. Although you
may be in a crowd where you are an absolute stranger,
do not manifest disrespect for the crowd, and show
that your courtesy and politeness is an acquirement
for only occasional use, by unmannerly remarks and




126


AMEiRICAN ETIQUETTE.


conduct. If you are at a fancy fair, make no corn
ments upon articles unless you can praise; if you car,
praise an article, do so; if you do not wish to see, do
not stand in the way of others; do not ask the price
of an article unless you wish to buy it, and then pay
the price asked or let it alone. If you have a table at
a charity fair, do not importune people to buy.
If you are visiting a picture gallery, or an artist's
studio, do not meddle; make no loud comments; do
not seek to show superior knowledge in matters of art
by gratuitous criticism. If you are a connoisseur in
art, you will seek modesty of expression; while if you
are not, you will only give publicity to your own
ignorance.
You should not visit an artist's studio except by
invitation or permission, and at an appointed time; do
nothing which would disturb the artist in his work.
Make your visits short, and do not keep him waiting
if you have an engagement to sit for a portrait.
In all your conduct do not manifest regard for self
only, but be considerate of others, and you will never
be regarded as rude or impolite.




CHAPTER XV.


ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.
lIE call is one of the necessary
inventions of polite society in
suippthickly populated localities, as
in cities and towns. In rural
in   n is    districts where the population
s t         is sparse, the call, especially the
formal call, is almost, if not
- quite, unknown. The circle of
acquaintances is small, visitors
are comparatively few, and more
t  -    _     time can be devoted to the enterd  1     tainment of any one. Those who
rgo to see a friend or neighbor
usually go such a distance that
to return almost immediately
would seem foolish. Hence, calls are here rightly
supplanted by those longer stays called visits. But
in towns and cities, where the circle of acquaintances
is large, less time can be devoted to each. A system
of strict formality comes into operation, and the social
machinery is necessarily more complicated. Here one
of the most useful devices is the system of calls, which
differ from visits in being very brief and often quite
formal.


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128


AXERICAN ETIQUETTV.


Every one should, as far as possible, attend to his or
her duties in this direction; but professional and business men, who are constantly employed, can often find
but little time even for formal calls, and less should be
expected of them than from those who have leisure.
Calls will vary from the extreme of pure ceremony to
that of the most unreserved friendship, according to
the affection and intimacy between the parties.
FORMAL CALLS.
The general formal call is a mere device for keeping
up acquaintance. It must not be made less than once
a year, more commonly it should be made twice, and
even oftener if the circumstances warrant. Besides
this, there are formal calls for special occasions, made
whenever those occasions occur, as, after a party, for
example.
MORNING CALLS.
By the term "morning call " is generally meant any
call made in the daytime. In cases where a call is
a mere matter of ceremony, the morning call is generally the most suitable. It should never be made
early in the day. As a rule the afternoon is the most
proper time. Avoid calling at or just before the time
for dinner or lunch and do not call later than five P. M.
E VENING CALLS.
An evening call is usually less formal than a morning call, and supposes some degree of intimacy. It
should not be made later than nine o'clock, nor prolonged after ten.




ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.


129


CHOOSING A  )AY.
Some ladies appoint special days for receiving,
which are announced by cards, and in calling upon
them their regulation should be observed. Most persons who are well bred will endeavor to receive callers
whenever they come. But those making calls should
adapt themselves, so far as possible, to the convenience of their entertainers. In many localities common custom has settled upon some day of the week
as most usual for calling, very often Saturday afternoon. It is well to observe any local custom of this
kind.
RISING TO WELCOME GUESTS.
The lady of the house rises to welcome her guests.
If other callers are present, the new arrivals must
always address themselves first to the hostess.
GIVING THE HAND.
On receiving the callers the lady may offer them her
hand, if she wishes to welcome them with some degree
of warmth. Gentlemen must always wait for her to
make the first advance in hand shaking.
INTROD UCTIONS.
Residents of the same town are not introduced
unless it is known that an introduction would be
agreeable to both parties. Strangers in the place are
always introduced.
CONVERSATION.
The lady of the house should generally take the
lead in the conversation, unless there are too many
present for her to address herself to all. Then she
9




130


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


should speak with the different ones in turn, unless
she sees them engaged with some one else. She may
give special attention for a little while to the latest
arrival, and to those who seem  neglected by the
others.
SHO W NO PARTIALITY.
A lady should show no partiality to any of her
guests, unless great difference in age and rank would
warrant it.
EMPLOYMENT WHILE RECEIVING.
While receiving callers a lady should lay aside her
work, unless urged by her guests not to do so; in
which case, she may pursue some light employment
which does not demand too much attention.
REFRESLHMlENTS.
In cities it is not customary to offer refreshments
to callers. In the country where people have fruit
of their own production, it is common, and highly
proper, to offer it to visitors.
ENGAGED, OR "NOT AT HOME."
When a lady does not wish to receive callers she
instructs the servant to say that she is engaged, or "not
at home," which may mean the same thing. If there
is any one or more whom she makes an exception, she
mentions the fact to the servant. If any visitor is once
admitted into the house it is the duty of the lady to see
the person. Accordingly, if a lady wishes to be "not
at home" to anybody, she must be careful to inform
the servant before the visitor arrives. But a well-bred
lady ought to endeavor to receive whoever arrives, and




ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.


whenever, so far as she reasonably can. If calling, you
should not hesitate to depart at once, when informed
that the lady of the house is engaged. No matter how
intimate you may be with her, to parley with the servant, and insist that she will certainly see you, is the
height of ill manners.
REGRETS FOR NOT AT HOME.
When a gentleman has called and found a lady not
at home, she should, at their next meeting, express
her regrets. He should reciprocate her regrets, and
not carelessly say that it made no special difference.
KEEPING CALLERS WAITING.
A lady is supposed to be dressed for receiving company at all suitable hours, and should not keep callers
waiting while she arranges her toilet, nor for any
other reason.
USE OF VISITING CARDS.
Callers should always be provided with cards. A
gentleman should carry them loose in a convenient
pocket; but a lady may use a card case. No matter
how many members of the family you call upon, you
send in but one card. Where servants are not kept,
and you are met at the door by the lady herself, of
course there is no use for a card. If you call upon
a friend who has a visitor, send in but one card; but
if they are not at home, leave a card for each.
HAT, UMBRELLA, GLOVES AND OVERCOAT.
In making a morning call a gentleman should take
his hat and gloves with him into the parlor. If it
becomes necessary to put them down, he may place




132


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


them upon the floor beside his chair, never upon a
chair or table. He will keep on his overcoat, if. he
wears one, and leave his umbrella in the hall. In an
evening call he may leave hat, gloves, overcoat and
cane in the hall.
THE ART OF CALLING.
It must be remembered that society calls are, after
all, but an exchange of civilities, and must therefore
not be confused with those which are of a more friendly
nature.
At such a call it is, therefore, eminently improper
to enter on any extended or learned discussion of
abstruse subjects; the conversation should be simple
and unaffected.
The gentleman should, as far as possible, permit the
lady to lead, or should, at least, so manage the conconversation that all who may be present can readily
take part in it without effort.
When the lady of the house enters the room the gentlemen should rise and remain standing until the lady
or the ladies are all seated.
A society call should not exceed twenty minutes, or
half-an-hour at the outside, and if other callers enter
during that time, it is well to leave during the first
favorable break in the conversation. The art of leaving gracefully is one of the most difficult of social feats.
WAITI NG IN THE PARLOR.
While waiting in the parlor for the person on whom
you have called, do not thump on an open piano, nor
walk about the room examining pictures and other
articles.




ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.


133


TAKING A SEAT.
A guest should take the seat indicated by the hostess. HIe will not seat himself upon a sofa beside her,
nor upon a seat close by her, unless invited to do so.
LENGTH OF CALL.
A formal morning call should never be less than ten
minutes, nor more than thirty minutes; usually it
should be fifteen or twenty minutes in length. An
evening call should not be over an hour.
LOOKING AT WATCH.
A gentleman will not look at his watch while
making a call. If' he does, he should apologize.
LAYING ASIDE THE BONNET.
Owing to the difficulty of rearranging most modern
head-gear of women, ladies are not expected to remove
their bonnets when making a brief call.
LEA VE-TAKING.
Choose a moment for your departure when there is
a lull in the conversation, and when the hostess is not
busy with new arrivals. Having started to go, do not
be prevailed upon to stay longer. If there are other
callers, bow to them collectively as you leave the
room.
ARRIVAL AND DEPARTTURE OF OTHERS.
On the arrival of other guests, a gentleman will rise
and stand till they sit. It is not his duty to show
them to seats, unless in his own house, or requested to




134


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


do so by the hostess. He will not offer his own seat
if there are others available, unless it is a place of
honor and another enters whom that place would
become. A lady who is not in her own house does
not rise on the arrival and departure of other guests,
unless they are ladies to whom special respect is due
on account of age or rank. A gentleman rises when
ladies with whom he is conversing rise to depart.
CONVERSATION WITHOUT INTRODUCTION.
Callers at the house of a common acquaintance may
converse freely without an introduction, though most
gentlemen would prefer an introduction.
FALLING AMONG STRANGERS.
If, on making a call, you are shown into a room
where all are strangers, at once announce your name
and on whom you have called.
CUTTING CALLS SHORT.
When you find that you have called at a time that
is not opportune, as at meal time, or when your friend
is preparing to go out, it is best to cut your call short.
But do not betray an undue sense of being an intruder;
and, if your friend seems much disappointed, promise
to call again soon.
CALLING IN COMPANIES.
Several persons may go together to call upon a
common friend; but there should not be a crowd.
Not more than two, or at most three, persons from the
same family should go together.




ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.


135


TAKING A FRIEND WITH YOU.
A lady may, without previously obtaining permission, bring a stranger, either gentleman or lady, to
call upon her friend. But a gentleman will bring no
one with him unless he first ascertains that it will be
agreeable to the person on whom the call is made.
Having obtained such permission, to neglect to mak(
the call would be exceedingly rude.
TAKING CHILDREN AND PETS WITH YOU.
Callers should never take children or pets with
them, as they are apt to be very annoying to some
people.
CALLING ON FRIEND WHO HAS A VISITOR.
When you hear that your friend has a visitor staying at her house, it is your duty to call on them.
CALLING UPON AN INVALID.
In calling upon a person confined by illness you
should never offer to go to the sick room unless invited to do so. Make proper inquiries as to your
friend's health and leave your card.
LADY CALLING ON GENTLEMAN.
A lady never calls upon a gentleman unless it be on
business.
CALLING UPON A PERSON AT LODGINGS.
When calling upon a person who has lodgings at a
hotel or private house, remain below and send up your
card. Lodgers generally receive their company below;




136


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


but an intimate friend of the same sex may be received
in the private chamber. But no amount of intimacy
will justify bursting into a friend's chamber at the
most outlandish hours, and perhaps without knocking, as is sometimes done.
CALLS AFTER A PARTY.
After a dinner or tea party at a friend's house you
should call; within three days, if it was a first invitation, otherwise within a week. After a party or
ball to which you have been invited, you should call
within a week, whether you accepted the invitation
or not.
RETURN OF A FRIEND.
When a friend who has been away for some time
returns, you should call upon him or her without
delay. If you have visited, or been invited to visit, a
lady at her. country seat, you should call upon her
soon after her return to the city.
THE FIRST CALL.
Residents make the first call upon strangers. Among
residents the elder makes the beginning, either by laking the first call or sending the other an invitation to
call. Such an invitation should be accepted without
hesitation, unless there is very good reason for not
doing so.
RETURNING A FIRST CALL.
Do not, at least without apologizing, put off returning a first call over a week, unless you wish to intimate
that you do not care to keep up the acquaintance,




ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.


137


CARDS AND CALLS OF STRANGERS.
When a stranger arrives in the city he should send
his card, with directions, to those whom he expects to
call upon him. Otherwise his presence might remain
for some time unknown. If a stranger of your own
profession comes to the city, you should call upon
him even though you do not know him.
CALLS MADE BY CARD.
Calls of pure ceremony are sometimes made by
simply handing in a card.
P. P. C. CALLS.
When a person is about to go abroad and has not
time or inclination to take leave of all his friends in
person, he may send to each his card with the initials
P. P. C. written upon it. These stand for the French
phrase "Pour Prendre Conge" —for taking leave.
Those who receive these cards should call upon him
on his return.
CALLS OF CONGRATULATION.
After any auspicious or happy event has occurred
in the family of your friend-as a birth, a marriage,
or any good fortune-a call of congratulation is in
order. Also if your friend has delivered a public
oration, or been chosen to some office or position of
honor, you should call and congratulate him. Calls
of congratulation also follow when a betrothal has
been formally announced to the friends and relatives.
VISITS OF CONDOLENCE,
When there has been a death in the family, friends
make visits of condolence, The time for these calls




138


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


is about a week after the funeral; or, in case of a
stranger, after the afflicted family have made their first
appearance at church. The dress and conversation
should be in harmony with the occasion.
FRIENDLY CALLS.
Calls of friendship will vary in length and points of
formality according to the degree of intimacy, and so
merge into visits. Where familiarity begins, strict
formality is apt to end, and'with it all stringent rules.
But no one should presume, even on the ground of
intimate friendship, to intrude at unseasonable hours,
and stay so long as to make their friendship a bore.


CALLS AT SUMMER RESORTS.


At summer resorts those owning cottages call first
upon those who rent. Otherwise they call upon one
another in the order of their arrival, the first arrivals
making the first calls.




ETIQUETTE OF CALLING.


139


NEW YEAR CALLS.
The agreeable custom of making New Year calls has
become quite common. By this means gentlemen can
keep up their acquaintance with ladies on whom they
may perhaps call at no other time in the year.
Several ladies may unite to receive callers at some
one place, though it is perhaps best that each should
receive at her own house. Those expecting to receive
callers usually announce the fact, through the newspapers, or otherwise.  An announcement, with the
mention of the place, is essential when a lady does not
receive at home. Refreshments are in order, but need
not be accepted unless the visitor feels so disposed.
Gentlemen call singly, by twos, or in small companies, on foot, or in carriage or sleigh. When they
go in groups, they all call upon the lady friends of
each, without previous permission. Introductions are
customary; but an introduction does not warrant an
acquaintance unless the lady chooses to make it such
by inviting the stranger to call again, or afterward
recognizing him in public. The time for calls begins
at ten o'clock in the morning, and lasts till nine P. M.
The calls are usually very brief, even as short as five
minutes, but may be protracted to half an hour. Each
gentleman sends in but one card; but if there is a card
basket at the door, he leaves a card for each lady at
the house.




(




CHAPTER XVI.


ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.,    f    [   HE subject treated in this chap?.S*     ter is, visits of several days, or
more, away from one's place
"ij ll\ of residence. What is said ap'-,  plies to ladies and gentlemen
alike, though the masculine pronoun is generally used. Visiting
may be a source of great pleasure to
both guest and host; but it is a privi' lege that is also often abused. To make
another person the servant of your gratification for days, and, perhaps, weeks, is no little thing.
Agreeable visiting can only exist where there is some
firm friendship, such as shall make your bntertainment
a pleasure rather than a serving.
ACCEPTING INVITATIONS TO VISIT.
General invitations to visit are often thrown out
carelessly by people who wish to appear friendly.
While it is always an error, if not a sin, to say what
you do not mean, it is a still worse blunder to take
such people at their word. Never accept a general
"Come and see us sometime," unless your relations
to the party inviting you are such that you could have
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142


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


no room for doubting the propriety of the visit. To
give an invitation real meaning, the date and length
of the visit should be mentioned. But in many cases
it would be a favor to let visitors select their own
time.
UNEXPECTED VISITS.
Where a visitor has been granted the courtesy of
choosing his own time, he ought certainly to let his
friend know beforehand of his coming. Some people
have a fancy for surprising their friends with unexpected visits. The unlooked-for return of a widow's
long-lost son may be to her the more intensely joyous
because unexpected; but the ordinary surprise of a
person by the arrival of visitors is productive of very
different feelings, and is far less romantic.
LENGTH OF VISIT.
The length of a visit will depend entirely upon circumstances; such as the relations of friendship existing between the parties, and the distance that the
visitor has come. Two or three days, or a week, at
most, should be sufficient, unless the visitor has very
good grounds for a longer stay. Keep on the safe
side, and make your visit shorter than your host
desires rather than longer.
ANNOUNCING LENGTH OF VISIT.
A visitor should take occasion soon after his arrival
to let his friend know how long he intends to remain,
unless that information has been given previously. It
is embarrassing for a person to ask a visitor how long
he is going to stay, and yet it is important for the host
to know this.




ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.


143


CONFORM TO HABITS OF THE HOUSE.
Visitors should conform carefully to the habits of
the house, not being out walking at dinner time, nor
in bed at breakfast time, and never keeping the family
up after their hour for retiring. A guest must not
show either by word or act that these hours do not
suit him, but submit cheerfully.
NOTICING UNPLEASANT MATTERS.
A visitor should not appear to notice any unpleasant family affairs that fall under his observation. He
should never comment upon them to strangers, nor
to the host himself, unless his friend should first
broach the subject. Also, if you do not find your
friend in as high a state of prosperity as you had an,
ticipated, do not take too evident notice of the fact.
Your observations may be cruel as well as impolite.
ACQUIESCE IN PLANS OF HOST.
A visitor should, as far as possible, acquiesce in all
plans proposed for his amusement or entertainment by
the host.
INVITATIONS TO VISITOR AND HOST.
All invitations to either visitor or visited ought to
include the other, and either should generally refuse
to accept an invitation to him alone.
LITTLE TROUBLE AS POSSIBLE.
A visitor should always endeavor to give as little
trouble as possible. At the same time he ought not to
apologize for the trouble which his presence naturally
requires.




144


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


KEEP ROOM NEAT.
If you are a visitor be careful to keep your room as
neat as possible. Do not let garments lie scattered
about promiscuously.
HELPING THE HOSTESS.
A lady visitor, where few or no servants are kept,
would do well to make her own bed. If there are no
servants she may also do other little helpful things for
her hostess.
LEAVING HOSTESS TO HERSELF.
Guests must be careful not to demand too constant
attention from their entertainers, especially in the
morning when the hostess has duties of her own. But
for a visitor to avoid the society of his friends and seek
his own amusement for a large part of the time, is uncivil and selfish.
TR UE HOSPITALITY.
True hospitality consists in freely and cheerfully
giving your visitor the best you have in the way of
rooms, provisions, and other means of entertainment.
Having done this, make no apologies because you have
no better. Your general demeanor toward your guests
will do more toward making them feel at home and
enjoy their visit than any amount of grandeur and luxury. Devote as much time as you can to the amusement and society of your visitors, and let them feel,
from your kindness and cheerfulness, that you enjoy
their presence.




ETIQUTETTE OF VISfTING.       145
URGING GUESTS TO STAY.
Kindly, and even urgently, invite your friend to stay
as long as you wish; but when a time has been fixed
upon for his departure, do not try to break in upon
his plans. Assist him in his departure, and ask him
to visit you again.
LEA VE-TAKING.
On leaving, a guest should express the pleasure that
his visit has afforded him. On reaching home he will
write and inform the family whom he visited of his
safe arrival, and renew his expressions of pleasure.








CHAPTER XVII.


RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
-.i                      tions." A sufficient
number for a quadrille sometimes -remain
after most of the company
'i have left.
DRESS.
- For gentlemen, morning dress
is worn; no white neckties and
dress should be seen. A lady
should not wear low-neck dresses nor
short sleeves, but should be dressed in
-        demi-toilet, with or without bonnet. Her
dress may be of material to suit the taste of the
wearer, and the season of the year. She should reserve
elegant jewelry and laces for evening parties.
REFRESHMENTS.
Light refreshments, such as tea, coffee, frozen punch,
cakes, ices and fruits, are served.  After the light
(14T)




148


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


refreshments, cold collations are served. Often the
table is set and renewed from time to time with great
varieties.
INVITATIONS.
Invitations to receptions should be very informal
and simple. Not unfrequently the lady's card bears
the simple inscription, " At Home Thursday, from four
to seven." If " R. S. V. P." is on the corner of these
invitations, an answer is expected, otherwise none is
required. It is not essential to have cards. All who
are invited, whether they attend or not, are expected
to call upon the host and hostess, as soon after the
reception as possible.
MODEL OF INVITATION.
04a. BS cDd.          (W. <^<.
(Wee^~ed     04-U,. alZ
MUSICAL MA TINEES.
A matinee musicale is similar to a reception, but is
a more difficult entertainment. To make such an entertainment a success, it is essential to secure those
persons who possess vocal and instrumental talent.
A programme should be arranged, assigning to each,
in order, his or her part. The exercise should commence with a piece of instrumental music, followed
by solos, duets, quartettes, octets, etc., with instru



REOEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.


149


mental music interspersed, in not too great proportions. During the performance of instrumental as well
as vocal music, it is the duty of the hostess to keep
silence among her guests. If any one is forgetful of
his manners on such an occasion, she should be a
pleasant reminder of what is polite. A lady's escort
should accompany her to the piano; turn the leaves
of music, and, after she is through, return with her
to her seat.
The hostess should express gratification to all for
the poart they take in the entertainment.
At a musical matinee the dress is the same as at a
reception, only bonnets are more generally dispensed
with. Those who have taken part in the music often
remain for a hot supper. They have earned it, and it
is no more than they deserve.
CO UNTR Y PARTIES.
Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or at
watering places, are more informal than in cities.
The hostess introduces such of her guests as she thinks
most likely to be mutually agreeable. To make such
parties successful, music, or some amusement, is
essential.
SUN7DAY HOSPITALITIES.
Hospitalities on Sunday are not in good taste. It
is a day of rest rather than a day for entertaining, and
waiting upon guests.
FIVE O'CLOCK TEA, COFFEB A D KETTLE.DRUTMS.
Five o'clock tea, coffee and kettle-drums have recently been introduced into this country from England.




150           AMERICAN,ETIQUETTE.
Invitations for these are usually issued on the lady's
visiting card, with the following words written in the
left hand corner:
PARTY INVITATIONS.
4%4. eznV4d A7ade 4j`7 e      1Z    Zada-le.l
~~~,zz /,a 'I~Wele a E~Zrd.~             ~
C%7. a~a~.    ~Iy~c9?       dQ~nnez
6    cddld7 d, C t2 ~/1 4c, a(e7            M, e W
cr/,"d Ae7we.
Or, if for a kettle-drum:




RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.


151


If " R. S. V. P." is not on the card no answers are
expected. It is optional with those who attend to
leave cards. All who are invited are expected to call
afterward.
The hostess receives her guests standing, aided by
other members of her family, or intimate friends.
For a kettle-drum there is usually a crowd, and yet
but few remain over half an hour-the conventional
time allotted-unless they are detained by music, or
some entertaining conversation.
A table set in the dinning-room is supplied with tea,
coffee, chocolate, sandwiches, buns and cakes, which
constitute all that is offered to the guests.
There is less formality at a kettle-drum than at a
larger day reception. The time is spent in conversation with friends, in listening to music, or such
entertainment as has been provided.
Ladies wear the demi-toilet, with or without bonnets. Gentlemen wear the usual morning dress.
At five o'clock tea (or coffee) the equipage is on a
side table, together with plates of thin sandwiches,
and of cakes. The pouring of the tea and passing of
refreshments are usually done by some members of
the family, or friends, without the aid of servants,
when the number assembled is small; for, as a rule,
the people who frequent these social gatherings
care more for social intercourse than for eating and
drinking.
MORE FORMAL ENTERTAINMENTS.
Evening parties and balls are much more formal
than the entertainments that have been mentioned.
These require evening dress. Lately evening dress is
almost as much worn at grand dinners as at balls and




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(152)




RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.


163


evening parties, only the material is not so showy.
Invitations to evening parties are sent from a week to
two weeks in advance, and they should be immediately
answered.
BALLS.
In order to make a ball successful there must be
good music and plenty of people to dance.
A MODEL INVITATION TO A BALL.
y           ^       /   y      //
C            1A
6a 9IgW'.
PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL.
Dressing rooms should be provided for the ladies
and gentlemen, with servants to each. There should
be cards with the names of the invited guests upon
them, or checks with duplicates to be given to the
guests ready to pin upon the wraps of each one. A
complete set of toilet articles should be supplied for
each dressing-room. If it is possible, the house should
be elaborately decorated with flowers.




154


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


THE MUSIC.
Four musicians are enough for a "dance." If the
dancing-room is small, the flageolet is preferable to the
horn, since it is less noisy. The piano and the violin
form the mainstay of the band. When the rooms are
large enough a large band may be employed.
THE DANCES.
The dances should be arranged beforehand, and, for
large halls, programmes are printed with a list of
the dances. A ball usually opens with a waltz, followed by a quadrille, and these are succeeded by
galops, lancers, polkas, quadrilles and waltzes, in
turn.
INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL.
When gentlemen are introduced to ladies at a ball
for the purpose of dancing, upon meeting afterward,
they should wait to be recognized before speaking;
but they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting
their hats in passing. An introduction for dancing
does not constitute a speaking acquaintanceship.
Upon meeting, it is as much the gentleman's place
to bow as it is the lady's. The one who recognizes
first should be the first to show that recognition. Introductions take place in a ball-room in order to provide ladies with partners, or between persons residing
in different cities. In all other cases, permission is
asked before giving introductions.  But where a
hostess is sufficiently discriminating in the selection
of her guests, the friends assembled in her parlors are
to a certain extent made known to one another, and
may converse without introductions.




XkrEOEPT1OX81, PARTIES ANID BALLSL.


165


REGEIVING GUESTS.
It is not now the custom for the host and hostess to
receive together. The receiving devolves upon the
hostess, but it is the duty of the host to remain in the
room until all the guests have arrived, so that he may
be found when sought for. The same duty devolves
upon the sons, who must share their attentions with
all during the evening. The daughters and sons will
look after partners for the ladies who wish to dance,
and they must see that no one is neglected before they
dance themselves.
AN AFTER-CALL.
An after-call is due the lady of the house at which
you were entertained, and should be made as soon as
possible, within two weeks at the farthest. If it is
impossible to make a call, send your card, or leave it
at the door. It is customary for a lady who has no
weekly reception day, in sending invitations to a ball,
to inclose her card in each invitation for one or more
receptions, in order that the after-calls due her may
be made on that day.
SUPPER.
Generally the supper-room at a ball is thrown open
at twelve o'clock. The table is made elegant by beautiful china, cut glass, and a variety of flowers. The
hot dishes are oysters, stewed, fried, broiled and
scalloped; chicken, game, etc.; and the cold dishes are
boned turkey, chicken salad, raw oysters and lobster
salad. When supper is announced, the host leads the
way with the lady to whom he wishes to show special
attention. The hostess remains until the last with the




AMERICAc T ETIQtYETTIP.


gentleman who takes her to supper, unless some distinguished guest is present, with whom she leads the
way. No gentleman should go into the supper-room
alone unless he has seen every lady enter before him.
If ladies are left alone unattended, gentlemen, although
strangers, may offer their services in waiting upon
them.
THE NUMBER TO INVITE.
Persons giving balls should take care not to invite
more than their rooms will accommodate. People who
do not dance do not expect to be invited to a ball or
dancing party.
DUTIES OF GUESTS.
Rules for accepting or declining invitations to balls
are the same as those given for "Dinner Parties."
Every lady who attends a ball should make her toilet
as neat and complete as possible. The gentlemen
should wear evening dress. Every guest should arrive
as early as possible after the hour named. The guests
should do all in their power to aid in the entertainment
of all present, and no one should decline to be introduced to such guests as the hostess requests. A gentleman is not compelled to remain longer with a lady
than he desires. By moving around from one to another an opportunity is given to circulate freely, and
this custom contributes to the enjoyment of all.
No person should remain beside the hostess while
she is receiving her friends, except members of the
family and friends that she has designated to assist
her.
All guests entering should pass in to make room for
others.




RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.


1'7


SUGGESTIONS FOR GENTLEMEN.
A gentleman should always walk around a lady's
train and never attempt to step over it. If by accident
he should tread upon her dress, he should beg her
pardon, and if by greater awkwardness he should tear
it, he must offer to escort her to the dressing-room so
that it may be repaired. If in the ball-room a lady
asks any favor of a gentleman, such as to inquire if
her carriage is in waiting, he should under no circumstances refuse her request. It is the gentleman's duty
to ask the daughters of the family to dance, and if the
ball has been given for a lady who dances, he should
include her in his attention. A well-bred gentleman
will look after those who are unsought and neglected
in the dance.
When gentlemen are unacquainted with all the
members of the family, their first duty, after speaking
to their host and hostess, is to ask some friend to
introduce them to those members whom they do not
know.
DUTIES OF AN ESCORT.
The gentleman should call for the lady whom he is
to escort, go with her to the ball, escort her to the
door of the dressing-room, return to join her there
when she is ready to go to the reception-room, upon
reaching it proceed to the hostess, engage her company for the first dance, and escort her to supper when
she is ready to go. He must watch and see that she
has a partner for dancing through the entire evening.
Upon reaching home, if the lady invites him in, he
should decline. It is his duty to call in two days.




158


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


RULES FOR THE BALL-ROOM.
A man who knows how to dance, and refuses to do
so, should absent himself from a ball.
Noisy talking and boisterous laughter in a ballroom are contrary to the rules of etiquette.
Upon leaving a small dance, or party, it is good
manners to wish the lady of the house a "good
night," but at a large ball it is not expected. At
a party there may be dancing, but at a ball there
must be.
Those who were invited and not able to be present,
must present their regrets the first time they meet the
hostess, and express an appreciation of their invitation.
In dancing a round dance, a gentleman should
never place a lady's hand at his back, on his hip, or
in the air, but gracefully by his side.
In a ball-room never forget nor confuse your engagements. If such should occur, an apology, of
course, must be offered and pleasantly accepted.
In a quadrille it is not essential for a gentleman to
bow to his lady, but he may offer her his arm and
give her a seat.
Always wear white gloves in a ball-room; very
light shades are admissible.
Usually a married couple do not dance together in
society, but it is a sign of unusual attention for a husband to dance with his wife, and he may do so if he
wishes.
Great care should be taken by a lady in refusing to
dance with a gentleman. After refusing, she should
not accept another invitation for the same dance.




RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.


159


Do not enter the ball-room on the arm of your husband or escort. The lady should enter first, the gentleman following.
For a cotillon it is customary to engage a partner
before the day of the ball, and to send her a bouquet.
In asking a lady to dance, the following is the
corect form: "May I have the pleasure of the next
waltz with you? " In asking the favor the gentleman
should bow to the lady, and enter her name on his
card, and his initials or surname on hers.
When the dance is over the gentleman should return
the lady to her chaperon or friends, and before leaving
her both should bow and say, "Thank you."
It is the duty of the hostess to see that all her
guests are provided with partners, and for this purpose she usually calls upon one or two intimate
friends to assist her.
The custom is for the gentleman to take into supper
the lady with whom he is talking at the moment when
supper is announced, unless he has made a previous
engagement, which is permissible.
In the event of both chaperon and the young lady
being present, he offers his arm to the former, and the
young lady follows or walks beside the chaperon.
It is the duty of gentlemen at the supper table to
attend to the wants of the ladies, and see that they are
properly served.  When leaving the ball-room it is
not necessary to take leave of the hostess. The art of
dancing with grace is given to few, but, with the aid
of a master, to dance becomingly is in the power of
most men and women.




160           AMERICAN TTIQUETTE.
Gentlemen should put on their hats and overcoats
before going to the carriage with the ladies.
Upon the evening of the ball, if the weather is inclement, a covering of canvas should be placed for the
protection of the guests in going from their carriages
to the door. A carpet should also be spread from the
house to the carriage steps.
Partners should be engaged before the music begins.
At a private dance, a lady can not conveniently refuse
to dance with a gentleman who invites her, unless she
has a previous engagement. If she is weary, and feels
that she can not dance, he should remain with her
while the dance proceeds.




CHAPTER XVIII.


DINNERS.
'iji^: O shine at the dinner table rei' i.'X Ill    quires much conversant pract ice with polite life.
i'      l I   'P/ Persons invited to a dinner
party should be of the same
X standing in society. They need.. "        ' -not be acquaintances, yet they
should be such as move in the same class or circles.
Great care should be taken to invite those who are
agreeable to each other. Good talkers and good listeners are equally invaluable at a dinner. Among
your guests always have one or more musicians. This
will add greatly to the entertainment of your friends
before and after dinner.
INVITATIONS TO DINNER PARTIES.
Invitations to dinner parties should be sent and
answered by a messenger, except when distance is such
as to make it inconvenient; in such case to send by
mail is admissible. Invitations should be issued from
two to ten days in advance, in the name of the gentleman and lady of the house. They should be answered
1 1          (161 )




162


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


without delay, as it is essential that the host and
hostess should know who are to be their guests.
After the invitation is accepted, the engagement
should not be lightly broken, for the non-arrival of
expected guests produces confusion and disappointment.
Gentlemen can not be invited without their wives,
unless it is a dinner given especially for gentlemen and
no ladies are invited. Ladies should not be invited
without their husbands, when other ladies are invited
with their husbands. Three out of one family are
enough to be invited, unless it is a large dinner party.
The paper used for issuing invitations upon, should
be small note paper, or cards, with envelopes to match.
FORM OF AN INVITATION TO DINNER.
oG4. -awcd CQ4id. Qiadd /e^edf     g Y d~es.
CL0f 0 ^. (WWO2&4. CA&^Ooze,(           ~,det6Z  e~
l -t (^ e^ ds/s, CGO-. /X ai'<2 *-cB
An answer should be returned at once, so that, if
you do not accept, the hostess may make necessary
changes in the arrangements.
FORM OF AN ACCEPTANCE TO DINNER.
coin.   d<'z Qoid. G(eA-<ae 4  ec^      e
*B aoe/4~k-  Ci.      sexW. GQod^ /^^a   ^




DINNERS


168


INVITATION DECLINED.
Oi. aiz0 n  d. Gelts C eAICMW 4e beae
~z/  gdh ~cGf   (or whatever the cause may be) /-teue^s
CA?, -e       CAGus d Avon d  1t4z"aa4e   l<aWeo4o z
I<AZ.,/AW.
Or,
C44. ar'    CcA-. QAe-id 4ee/ e~e     iZ 4,itf a-d     4 o (whatever the preventing cause may be) ~dep
Ca/. s t^ C//. *C/dd z,,, oeld     > gL. aK.
The cause for declining should always be stated, so
that there may be no occasion for misunderstanding.
If it should become necessary to break an engagement made for dinner, a note must be sent at once to
the host and hostess, so that they may supply your
place if possible.
TIME.
In cities, the hour selected for a dinner is after business hours, or from five to eight o'clock. It may be
an hour or two earlier in the country or in villages.
It is obligatory upon you to be punctual at the hour
mentioned. You are in the way if you go too early;
and you annoy the hostess and guests if you are too




164


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


late. A hostess is not required to wait more than
fifteen minutes for a tardy guest.
SOME POINTS TO BE OBSERVED IN GIVING A DINNER.
The conversation ought to be by far the best part of
the entertainment; it is, therefore, the duty of the
hostess to see that this important feature of the feast
is not wanting, for without it the best wines and the
finest cuisine will go for naught.
Due consideration must, therefore, be given to the
arrangement and selecting the guests to be bidden,
with due regard to their tastes and peculiarities.
The lady of the house usually informs each gentleman which lady he is to take in to dinner, and, if the
gentleman does not know the lady, he must ask for
an introduction. At the less formal dinners this is
usually arranged by the hostess saying, when dinner
is announced, "Mr. Smith, you will take out Miss
Jones," and so on through the party.
The conversation-unless the table be small, and it
becomes general-should, in the main, be between the
gentlemen and the ladies they have taken to dinner.
The host and hostess at a dinner party must be
possessed of much tact, and they should, in a measure, furnish the menu oft conversation as they have
provided the viands.
It is a wise saying that, though the heart of a
hostess may be in her kitchen, her head must be in
the dining room or failure will result.
When the hostess gives the signal for the ladies to
leave the table the gentlemen rise until the ladies have
left, when the gentlemen usually return to their seats;
they join the ladies at the suggestion of the host,




DINNERS.


165


EN TERTAINMENT.
The success of a dinner is readily judged by the
manner in which conversation has been sustained. If
a stream of talk has been kept up, it shows that the
guests have been entertained; but if, on the contrary,
the conve. cation has been dull and flagging, it shows
that the entertainment has been to a certain extent a
failure.
No one should monopolize the conversation, but all
should take some part. It is due your host and hostess that you do all in your power to enjoy yourself
and assist in entertaining others.
SETTING THE TABLE.
The table-cloth and napkins must be spotless.
Beautiful china, glistening or finely engraved glass
and polished plate are considered essential to a fine
dinner.
A centre-piece of flowers is a pretty ornament. A
handsome vase filled with growing plants in bloom
adds greatly to the appearance of the table.  The
flowers must be of delicate odors. A variety of fruit
tastefully arranged with green leaves and bright confectionery is always attractive. It is a pretty custom
to place a little bouquet by the side of each lady's
plate, and to fold a bunch of flowers in the napkin of
each gentleman, to be attached to the left lapel of the
coat as soou as seats are taken at the table. Napkins,
which should never be starched, are folded and laid
upon the plates, with a small piece of bread or roll




166


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


placed on the top. The dessert is placed on the table
amidst the flowers and ferns.  A small salt-cellar
should be placed by each plate, also a small butter
plate. The name of each guest, written upon a card
and placed one on each plate, marks the seat assigned.
NUMBER TO INVITE.
There should not be less than six nor more than
fourteen at a dinner. The host or hostess will then be
able to designate to each gentleman the lady whom
he is to conduct to the table; but when the number
exceeds this limit, it is a good plan to have the name
of each couple written upon a card and enclosed in an
addressed envelope, ready to be handed to the gentleman by the servant before entering the drawing-room,
or left on a tray that the guests may select those which
bear their names. If a gentleman finds upon his card
the name of a lady with whom he is unacquainted, he
requests the host to present him immediately after he
has spoken with the hostess; also to any member of
the family with whom he is not acquainted.
All the guests should secure introductions to the
one for whom the dinner is given.
GOING OUT TO DINNER.
When dinner is announced, the host offers his right
arm to the lady he is to escort to the table. The others
follow, arm-in-arm, the hostess being the last to leave
the drawing-room. Age should take precedence in
proceeding from the drawing-room to the dining-room,
the younger falling back until the elder have advanced.  The host escorts the eldest lady or the
greatest stranger, or, if there be a bride present, prece



DINNERS.


167


dence is given to her, unless the dinner is given for
another person, in which case he escorts the latter.
The hostess is escorted either by the greatest stranger, or by some gentleman whom she wishes to place
in the seat of honor which is at her right.
The host places, at-his right, the lady whom he
escorts.
The seats of the host and hostess may be in the
middle, at opposite sides of the table, or at opposite
ends. Husbands should not escort their wives nor
brothers their sisters, as this partakes of the nature of
a family gathering. All guests stand until the hostess is seated. Once seated, the rest is simple routine.
Ease of manner of the host and hostess, and quiet
and systematic movements on the part of attendants,
are indispensable. The servants commence in passing
the dishes, one upon the right of the host and one
upon the right of the hostess. Thin-soled shoes
should be worn by servants, that their steps may be
noiseless; and if they use napkins in serving, (as is
the English style), instead of gloves, their hands and
nails should be faultlessly clean.
A good servant avoids breathing hard, coughing,
or treading on a lady's dress; places knives, forks,
glasses, spoons and plates noiselessly, and never drops
anything. Awkwardness is never seen in a good servant. It is good taste for a servant not to wear gloves,
but to use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped
around the thumb, so that his bare hand will not touch
the plates and dishes.
The attendant places each dish in succession before
the host and hostess (the soup, salad and dessert only
being served by the hostess) with the pile of plates,




168'


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Each plate is supplied, taken by the attendant on a
small salver, and set before the guest from the left.
Any second dish which belongs to the course is presented at the left of the guest, who helps himself. As
a rule, the lady at the right of the host or the oldest
lady should be served first. As soon as any one is done,
his plate is promptly removed, and when all are done,
the next course is served in the same way. All crumbs
should be brushed from the cloth before the dessert is
brought on.
The finger bowls which are brought in on the napkin
on the dessert plate, and set off to the left of the plate,
are used by dipping the fingers in lightly and drying
them on the napkin. They should be half full of warm
water with a bit of lemon floating in it.
When all have finished dessert, the hostess gives
the signal that dinner is ended by pushing back her
chair, and the ladies repair to the drawing-room, the
oldest leading, the youngest following last, and the
gentlemen repairing to the library or smoking-room.
In about half an hour tea is served in the drawingroom, with a cake basket of crackers or little cakes.
The gentlemen join the ladies, and after a little chat
over their cups, all are at liberty to leave.
In preparing a dinner, a hostess should remember
that too great a variety of dishes is a coarse display.
A small variety cooked to a nicety, and served with
grace, makes the most charming dinner. A sensible bill
of fare is-soup, fish, with one vegetable, a roast, with
one or two vegetables, and a salad and cheese, and a
dessert. The carver should serve meat as he cuts it;
so far as possible he should not fill the platter with
hacked fragments. It is ill bred to help too abun



DINNERS.


169


dantly, or to flood food with gravies, which are disliked by many. Serve the plate neatly.
Water should be poured at the right hand; everything else is served at the left. The hostess should
continue eating until all guests have finished. Jellies
and sauces are helped on the dinner plate, and not on
side dishes. If there are two dishes of dessert, the
host may serve the most substantial one. Fruit is
served after puddings and pies, and coffee last. In
winter, plates should be made warm before being
brought to the table.
The latest and most satisfactory plan for serving
dinners, is the dinner a la Russe (the Russian style),
all the food being placed upon a side table, and servants doing the carving and waiting. This style gives
an opportunity for more profuse ornamentation of the
table, which, as the meal progresses, does not become
encumbered with partially empty dishes and plates.
At a fashionable dinner soup is the first course. All
should accept it, even if it is a kind that they do not
like, and know that they will not touch it. It is
better to make a pretense of eating it, than to compel
the servants to help you to the second course before
the rest. Soup should never be called for a second
time. Take it noiselessly from the side of your spoon,
and never tilt your soup plate for the last spoonful.
After soup comes fish, which must be eaten with a
fork in the right hand and a piece of bread in the left,
unless you are provided with fish knives. If you
wish, you may decline fish, but it must not be called
for a second time.
The side dishes, which come after the soup and fish,
must be eaten with the fork, The knife is used only




170


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


for cutting meats and anything too hard for a fork,
Never convey food to the mouth with the knife.
Remove the knife and fork from your plate as soon
as they are set before you, as the serving of an entire
course is delayed by neglecting to do so.
Never be greedy at the table. Do not hesitate about
taking anything that is passed to you. Never take up
one piece and lay it down in favor of another. Never
break a biscuit and leave the piece on the plate, for
this compels your friend to take a small piece when
he may wish a whole one.
Never allow the servant to fill your glass with wine
that you do not wish to drink. If it is placed by
your plate without your being asked to accept it, let
it remain without touching it or saying a word about
it. Act as though you did not see it.
By some, a dinner party is not regarded as complete
unless wine is served. People should be careful as to
serving wines at all. You can not know what harm
you may do your guests by placing wine before them.
You may create in your friend an appetite for strong
drink; you may renew a passion long controlled.
This is an age of temperance reform. Mrs. Hayes,
one of the ladies of the White House, banished wines
and liquors from her table, and such an example may
be followed by leading American households, regard.
less of former customs.
R ULES FOR EATING.
Eat cheese with a fork and not with a knife.
Ask a servant in a low tone for what you want.
Eat and drink noiselessly. While eating keep the
mouth closed.




DINNERS.


171


Break your bread; do not cut it.
Eat fruit with silver knives and forks.
If you prefer, take up asparagus with the fingers.
Olives and artichokes are always so eaten.
If a course is set before you that you do not wish,
do not touch it.
Never handle glass or silver near you unnecessarily,
and do not play with your food.
It is not your business to reprove the waiter for
improper conduct; that belongs to the host.
A gentleman must help the lady whom he has
escorted to the table, to all that she wishes; but it is
improper for him to offer to help other ladies who have
escorts.
If the guests pass the dishes over to another, always
help yourself before handing to the next.
Remove bones from fish before putting into the
mouth. If a bone should get into the mouth, cover
your lips with a napkin and remove it. Cherry stones
or anything which you do not wish to swallow should
be removed from the mouth as quietly as possible, and
placed upon the side of your plate.
Use a napkin only for your mouth. Never use it
for your nose, face or forehead.
Eat pudding with a fork or spoon.
Eat pastry with a fork.
Keep your hand off from the table, and do not play
with your fingers.
Fruit should be peeled with a knife, and cut or
broken. Never bite fruit.
It is very rude to pick your teeth at the table. If it
becomes necessary to do so, hold your napkin over
your mouth.




172


1'2AMERtOAN ETIQUETTE.


If you are requested to express a preference for a
particular portion of a fowl, answer promptly, that no
time may be lost in waiting upon you.
A hostess should never apologize for anything on
her table, neither should she speak with pride in
reference to any particular dish. She should remain
silent, and allow her friends to praise her dinner or not,
as they see fit. Do not urge your guests to eat against
their wishes.
The conversation at the table should not be monopolized by one or two. All conversation should be general as far as possible. You may talk in a low tone to
those near you, if you are at a large dinner party.
Self-possession is demanded on the part of the
hostess, that she may perform her duties agreeably.
She must put all her guests at their ease, and pay
strict attention to the requirements of all around her.
She must not be disturbed by an accident nor embarrassed by any disappointment. Should her valuable
glass or china be broken before her eyes she must take
no notice of it.
The host must be equally self-possessed. His temper should be such as can not be easily ruffled. He
should direct conversation rather than sustain it himself.
The hostess will commit a rudeness to those who
have arrived punctually, if she awaits dinner for tardy
guests more than the fifteen minutes which custom
prescribes.
Another plan for retiring from the table, a little
different from the one already mentioned, is, when the
hostess sees that all have finished, she looks at the
lady who is sitting at the right of the host, and the




DINNERtS.


173


company arise, and withdraw in the order they are
seated, without precedence. Upon entering the drawing-room the guests should intermingle in a social
manner from one to three hours after dinner, when
they are at liberty to take their leave of the host and
hostess.
Accepting hospitality is a sign of good will, and, if
guests partake of hospitality only to gossip about and
abuse their host and hostess, they injure themselves
by doing so.
Whether you accept an invitation to a dinner party
or not, you should call soon after.
True hospitality neither expects nor desires any
return, but those who are in the habit of giving dinner parties should return the invitation before another
is extended to them. Debts of hospitality should be
paid if persons have the means to do so. If they have
not the means, it is not expected of them. Some do
not accept invitations because they feel that they can
not return the hospitality in such magnificent style.
This is unnecessary. A costly and expensive repast is
not always the most agreeable, but it is the friendly
feeling shown. Sometimes the least expensive dinners
are the most enjoyable. And persons who are not
able to prepare an elegant table can do great good
socially by an economical repast.








CHAPTER XIX.


HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMEN.
IHERE is no admiration greater than
M ' that which is accorded a true wo(   d   l    man. How scarce such specimens
I            ~of creation are in our land! Too
seldom do we see a woman with
n  A\=   I a high, noble, Christian character.
i  i     The number of true women is comI      paratively few. " To be a woman in the
truest and highest sense of the word,"
as a writer has said, "is to be the best
thing beneath the skies."  To be a
woman is something more than merely
to live eighteen or twenty years; something more than merely to grow to the
( ',i   physical stature of women; something
)  more than to wear flounces, exhibit dry
goods, sport jewelry; something more
than to be a belle. All these qualifications
do but little toward making a true woman.
A true woman exists independent of outward
adornments. It is not wealth, or beauty of person,
or station, or power of mind, or literary attainments,
or variety and riches of outward accomplishments,
that make the woman. These often adorn woman.
(175)




176


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


hood, but they should never be mistaken for the thing
they adorn. This is the great error of womankind.
They take the shadow for the substance-the glitter
for the gold —the heraldry and trappings of the world
for the priceless essence of womanly worth, which exists in their mind.
We are living in an age when the position of women
and their future are being much discussed. That such
discussions are general and attract widespread interest, may be taken as a sign that man's better-half has
grounds for endeavoring to change many of the conditions which have for centuries past curbed and held
her within certain well-defined bounds. This movement, like many others, is in danger of being overdone.
No one denies that women are mentally in every way
the equals of men, and that in some of the higher qualities, and in the exhibition of patience and endurance,
they are men's superior; but it is not in the nature of
things that they should be able successfully to compete with the sterner sex in the battle of life. With
men labor is a lifelong occupation. With most women
it is but temporary. They necessarily look forward to
the time when marriage shall transfer them to their
proper sphere-the household. Their special province
is the rearing and training of their children, and to do
this successfully calls for the highest attainments, and
the result brings with it a gratification that exceeds
that experienced by the most ambitious men, be they
ever so successful.
For those women who desire to keep abreast of the
times, in literature, in science, in music or art, there
are clubs and societies, in almost every city and town,
where such things are discussed. Literature is a field




HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMEN.


177


in which women have always excelled, and many who
are not themselves writers, find an enjoyment in the
society of those who are, and, doubtless, the contact
with intellectual people tends to an enlargement of the
horizon and an improvement of the mind.
On the other hand, there is no doubt that woman
has been regarded almost by the whole world as
a mere ornament.   Hence woman is too often
a vile, idle, useless thing. No one can look at woman' s
present estate without feeling that she has many long
steps yet to take before she will attain to her true position, her full womanhood. Men hold that wisdom is
for them. They alone may draw from the deep wells
of knowledge. Why do they think 'this  It is for
the want of an enlightened view on the part of both
sexes. Men as well as women have failed to comprehend the true idea of womanhood. Both have been
satisfied with too little in women. They have borne
with the narrowness of woman s culture, and the aimlessness of her life, believing it all right. It is a fact,
a glaring, solemn, humiliating fact, that woman is not
what the Creator designed her to be. Herinfluence is
not what it ought to be. She is weak, thoughtless,
heartless, compared with what she ought to be. It has
long been a hollow compliment which man has paid to
woman, to tell her that she rules the world. But no
man believes it when he says it. Every woman should
spurn the compliment as the plainest flattery.
If the young women of the present day possessed a
sufficient force of character, their influence would be
greater.  They have not sufficient resolution and
energy of purpose. Their moral wills are not resolute.
Their influence is not armed with executive power.
12




178


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Their goodness is not felt as an earnest force of benevolent purpose.  Their opinions are not wise and
thoughtful. In no particular do our young women
make impressions of strong moral force. The great
deficiency of young women is a lack of power. They
do not make themselves felt. They need more force
of character. Women must have strength of will to
do and to dare. They must dare to be and do that
which is right; dare to face false customs; dare to
frown on fashion; dare to resist oppression; dare to
assert their own right; dare to be persecuted for righteousness' sake; dare to do their own thinking and
acting; dare to be above the silly pride, the foolish
whims and trifling nonsense that enslave little minds.
What was once regarded as a sufficient character for a
woman is not enough now. Women are advancing,
as well as science, mechanics and men. Once it was
thought education enough if a woman could read and
write a little. The time is not far distant when she
must be educated as well as a man.
Women must be pure, that is, they must possess
that virtue which wins laurels in the face of temptation; which is backed by a mighty force of moral
principle; which frowns on evil with rebuking authority; which claims as its right such purity in its associations.  There is a virtue which commands respect,
which awes by its dignity and strength; a virtue that
knows why it hates evil, why it loves right, why it
cleaves to principle as to life; a virtue which gives a
sublime grandeur to the soul in which it dwells and
the life it inspires. This is the virtue that belongs to
womanhood; it is the purity every young woman
should possess. It is not enough to have an easy kind




HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMEN.


179


of virtue, which more than half courts temptation;
which is pure more from the fear of society's rebuke
than a love of right. They would not have a drunkard
for a husband, but they would drink a glass of wine
with a fast young man. They would not use profane
language, yet they love the society of men whom they
know are profane out of their presence. They would
not wish to be considered dishonest, but they use deceitful words, and countenance the society of men
known as deceivers. They would not be irreligious,
but they smile upon the most irreligious and even
immoral men, and show that they love to be wooed by
them. This is the virtue of too many women, a virtue
scarcely worth the name-really no virtue at all-a
hypocritical, hollow pretension to virtue as unwomanly as it is disgraceful. This is not the virtue of true
womanhood.
Not only is a pure character, not only is chastity of
thought and feeling needed, but a character of energy.
Life is a work. Woman has a mission-a work to
engage in. This work requires that she shall possess
energy as well as purity. Active duty presses upon
her.  This relates to a livelihood-to the practical
work of pushing her way through life. It is degrading to accept of all life's necessities at the hand of
charity. No woman possessed of a genuine womanly
character will do it. She must be independent. She
must not only have a good character, but an ability to
do something for herself and others. Character would
be of little avail if she were a shiftless, useless donothing in relation to all the great activities of life,
by which we secure the necessities and comforts of
our existence. It is through useful industry and labor




UJ-,  VN  J~  ~ -  =-  --


I'll


7      /1'




HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMENN.


181


that the rarest beauties and forces shine. Improve
every moment. Characters must have some way to
embody themselves in an outward form to be of service
to the world. The best way is in devotion to some
useful calling or profession by which our powers may
be called upon for their best efforts in a direction that
shall promise a full reward for ourselves and a good
surplus for our fellow men. Women must have employment. Employment is the instrumentality, in
making woman. No woman of health and sound mind
should allow herself to be or feel dependent on anybody for her living. Thousands of women have no
employment, and live through life in a state of abject
dependence. What are they- what can they be,
under such circumstances? They are nothing else
than burdens to their fellow men. A woman can no
more be a true woman than a man can be a true man,
without employment and self-reliance. How can a
woman who spends a listless, trifling life possess
weight of character and force of mind and mental
worth? How can she answer with honor to herself
when she is called upon to do anything? Our homes
are full of necessary and useful employment; girls
must engage in it with zeal. Useful employment is the
primary means of developing a true womanhood. Life
is given that work may be done. We are here for a
purpose. All young ladies should determine to do
something for the honor and elevation of their sex. At
least they should determine that they will possess and
always wear about them, as their richest possession, a
true womanhood. This is the most that they can do.
Let them determine that for themselves they will do
their own thinking; that they will form their own opin



182


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


ions from their own investigations; that they will persist
in holding the highest principles of womanly morality
and the virtuous attainments which constitute true
womanhood. When they have done this, let them call
to their aid all the force of character they can command, to enable them to persist in being women of
the true " stamp."  Women have a great work to do.
It is not enough that they should be what their
mothers were.  They must be more, since their advantages are superior. The demands of the country
call on women for a higher order of character and life.
The ladies of to-day must heed the call. They must
emancipate themselves from the fetters of custom and
fashion, and come up, a glorious company, to the
possession of vigorous, virtuous, noble womanhoodwomanhood that shall shed new light upon the world
and point the way to a divine life. Girlhood is the
time to prepare for the great work of life. If girls
would be women, they must begin before the years of
maturity. If they would be wise, they must not fritter
away their early life. Girlhood is a preparation for
womanhood.   It sends its life and character into
womanhood. Girls are able to fit themselves for high
positions, and why should they stand listlessly by, and
allow the men to advance and do everything. Young
ladies should step forward and be leaders in the great
work of life. They have a right to do so; it is their
plain duty; and why are they thus standing back?
Ladies may aspire to high positions, but unless they
fit themselves for them they will never reach them.
Form high, noble, Christian characters. Live upright
lives, so that when you are called to give an account of
your stewardship you may be able to answer with honor




HIGHER CULTURE OF WOMEN.


183


to yourselves and to your God.  One, has rightfully
said, "A noble and influential woman is an honor to
the country and a pillar of civil and religious
liberty. Every such woman is a central sun, radiating
intellectual and moral light, diffusing strength and life
to all about her."  Woman is the hope of the world.
But after all, our present purpose is to treat of men
and women from a social standpoint, and, so far as
intellectual attainments are concerned, to consider
the qualifications best adapted to fit a lady for making
herself agreeable in society.  Tact, wit, and good
spirits are undoubtedly necessary to success, and the
most important of these is, perhaps, tact. The woman
with tact is not necessarily false or insincere, but she
is rather one who can dexterously adapt herself to the
circumstances by which she is surrounded and steer
clear of any shoals or pitfalls that may lie in her way.
In conversation she will avoid all disagreeable subjects,
and discern readily what is agreeable to each new
acquaintance. She will talk or listen, as occasion may
require, and say just the right thing at the right time.
The woman who to wit adds wisdom is always a
favorite; and, if to these be added good spirits, social
success is assured. One of the great charms of youth
is the sunshine and cheerfulness which follow in its
train.
The line which divides social success from failure is
very narrow and to lay down laws which shall assure
the one and prevent the other is possible only to the
gods.








CHAPTER XX.


COURTSHIP AND      MARRIAGE.,,..^^  sHAT period of life in which
y             young people of either sex both
PI f   T  II   pay and receive attentions is par\it      1     ticularly deserving of consideration at this point. The matter of
-r-l,   l,7  correct behavior on the part of
Syoung men toward young ladies,? toward young men in return,
should be regarded with more
interest than is usually bestowed
upon this subject.
A GENTLEMAN'S COND UCT TOWARD YOUNG LADIES.
In this country none of the barriers exist between
the sexes that are found in other countries. The
utmost freedom in social intercourse and perfect liberty to associate and mingle freely in the same circle
with the opposite sex, is granted without question.
This is the life and joy of young American society.
If such freedom is not abused, it may contribute
greatly to the pleasure and refinement of both sexes.
Gentlemen are at liberty to ask the company of young
(185)




186


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


ladies to church, balls, concerts, etc., to call upon
them at their homes, to ride and drive with them, and
in every way possible to make themselves agreeable
to young ladies to whom their company is acceptable.
They are, indeed, permitted to give and receive invitations ad libitum. This freedom, of course, presupposes that the young man is entirely disengaged, for
as soon as he begins to devote himself to one young
lady in preference to all others, the lady supposes,
and has a right to suppose, that he means something
more than mere pastime.  She concludes that he
intends it for an engagement without saying so. A
gentleman who does not contemplate matrimony
should not, therefore, be too exclusive in his attentions to any one lady. Self-control in this particular
is especially important. Many a young man becomes,
as he imagines, infatuated with a lady, and by the
persistence with which he follows up the suit, makes
others as well as the young lady think that he has
serious intentions. Soon he wears out his interest in
her and she is left, her affections shattered, so that
other young men do not feel free to cultivate her
acquaintance.
A LADY'S COND UCT TOWARD GENTLEMEN.
If a young lady is not engaged she may receive
calls from any unmarried gentleman she desires, and
may accept invitations freely. She should exercise
discretion, however, as to whom she favors in the
acceptance of such invitations. A lady is allowed
perfect liberty in this regard without giving affront.
A young man of sense will thank a young lady for
refusing to accept his invitations if he is not agreeable




COURTSHtP AND MARRtAGE.


187


to her. She should not allow special attentions to
be bestowed upon her from one whose attentions she
could not reciprocate. By violating this rule of propriety and common sense she not only does injury to
the young man by encouraging his suit, but she injures
her own prospects by driving away other young men,
whose attentions she could reciprocate. A young lady
can, in a modest and inoffensive way, indicate to a
suitor that his suit is not acceptable, and she owes it
to herself to do it if such be the case. It is the prerogative of the man to propose and of the woman to
accept or reject, and a lady of taste and kind heart
will exercise her prerogative before the man has made
an open proposal. No well-bred lady will appear
eager for the attentions of a gentleman, no matter
how much she may admire him; nor, on the other
hand, will she be so reserved as to altogether discourage him. Because a man shows considerable attention
it does not follow that he is a lover. Under a mistaken idea of gallantry, young men often go too far in
this respect. The young lady can always tell, however, what his motives are, and should treat him
accordingly. Some young ladies think it smart to
encourage a proposal and then refuse it. This is not
a sign of good breeding; besides, her motives will
soon become generally known, and she will be regarded as a "flirt."
HASTY PROPOSALS.
It is very unwise, not to say presumptuous, for a
gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady on a
too brief acquaintance. Such hasty proposals generally come from mere adventurers, or else from mere




188


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


novices in love, so that in either case they are to be
rejected. A lady who would accept a gentleman at
first sight can hardly possess the discretion needed to
to make a good wife.
THE CHAPERON.
It is a well-known fact that in America the young
people make their own marriage engagements, and
that the parents have very little to do with it. But,
while this is in the main true, it is eminently proper
for a young gentleman to consider the feelings of
the parents of the young lady whom he desires to
wed, and to do all that may be possible to defer to
their wishes.
There be those who assert that an offer of marriage
to a young lady should take place only under her
father's roof, and while this is perhaps overstraining
the point, the spirit, if not the letter, should be observed.
When a young lady is engaged, she should be most
careful in observing the strict rules of etiquette in
regard to that condition.
She should, under no circumstances, travel with her
fianc6 alone; nor go to theatres, concerts, and other
public places unaccompanied by a chaperon.
The model chaperon needs many qualifications;
indeed, the woman who can faithfully and thoroughly
perform all the varied duties involved in that office is
worth her weight in gold. Her duties are endless and
unremitting. She is expected to be present when her
charge receives gentlemen. She must accompany her
to balls, parties, races, dinners, and country clubs;




CORTSHIP AND MARRIAGt.


189


and to this she must add the quick perception and
intuition of a mother; and to do this without offending her charge calls for almost superhuman qualities.
THOROUGH ACQUAINTANCE BEFORE MARRIAGE.
There may be such a thing as love at first sight, and
if there is, it is not a very risky thing upon which to
base a marriage. Couples should know each other
thoroughly before they become engaged. They should
be certain that their tastes and temperaments harmonize, and that their society will be congenial each to
the other.
"U NKNOWN CORRESPOND ENTS. "
There has grown up lately quite a fashion of having
what are called " unknown correspondents." A young
lady or gentleman will perhaps advertise, giving a
description of herself or himself, but withholding the
name, and ask for a correspondent. Though such an
experiment is tried more for curiosity than anything
else, it not infrequently results in marriage. Often we
hear of couples seeing each other for the first time
on their wedding day. All such practices as these
should be discarded. One time in a thousand, perhaps, a successful match is made in this way; but it
is too risky. Besides, it transcends the bounds of
true modesty and propriety. What business has a
young lady to be writing letters, perhaps confidential
ones, to a young man she never saw? Perhaps if he
were unmasked she would be ashamed to be seen with
him, or to have it known that she was even acquainted
with him. It is not the way to do, and often proves
the first step to a reckless and profligate life.




190


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


PROPER MANNER OF COURTSHIP.
It is impracticable to lay down rules as to the proper
mode of courtship and proposals. The customs of
different countries differ greatly in this respect. In
France, for instance, it is the business of the parents
to settle all preliminaries. In England the young man
asks the consent of the parents to pay addresses to
their daughter, while in this country the matter is left
almost entirely with the young people themselves.
Whether courtship may lead to an engagement or not
must be determined by circumstances. If a man begins
seriously to court a girl, but discovers, before he has
become engaged, that they are entirely unsuited, he
may, with perfect propriety and without serious injury
to the lady, withdraw his attentions. It is laid down
in some authorities upon this subject that the parents'
authority should be obtained before the daughter is
asked to give herself in marriage. While this would
not be improper or wrong, still, in this country with
our social customs, it is best not to be too strict in this
regard. Each case has its peculiar circumstances which
should govern it. A young man would always prefer
to know the young lady's mind on the subject before
he sought the will of the parents. No one wants a
young lady to receive his hand in marriage just to
please her parents, but there are few young men who
will not take a young lady in opposition to her parents'
wishes if he loves her and can get her. At all events
the young lady's feelings in the matter are considered
of vastly more importance than the parents'. There
should, however, be due consideration given to the
feelings of the father and mother. They have reared




COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.


191


the daughter, and expect that she will be an honor and
a comfort to them. Their prejudices against a young
man may be ill-founded, but still no young lady ought
to discard her parents' counsels entirely in the matter
of marriage, nor should a young man be too bold in
encouraging defiance to their wishes.
PARENTS' OVERSIGHT OF THEIR DAUGHTERS.
Parents should be perfectly familiar with the character of the company kept by their daughters, and
should exercise such oversight as to prevent them
from cultivating improper acquaintances. One mistake parents often make is, in permitting an unacceptable suitor to continue his visits until he has
completely captivated the girl's affections before any
remonstrance is made; then it is too late. Or, again
the mistake is made of peremptorily forbidding a
certain one's visits in a harsh manner, instead of
reasoning with the daughter as they ought, and showing her why she should discourage his attentions.
The failure to properly appreciate their daughter's
feelings in this matter often gives rise to an elopement. It is needless to say that it is to the interest
of all, and especially the young lady, that the choice
of a husband be made with great care.
VIGILANCE REQUIRED BY PARENTS.
Mothers especially should watch closely the tendency of their daughters' affections. If they see them
turning in an unworthy direction, influence of some
sort should be brought to bear to counteract this.
Great delicacy and tact are required to manage things
rightly. If possible, bring forward a more suitable




192


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


person to attract the girl's attention. Make apparent
to her the objectionable traits of the undesirable suitor
in a seemingly unintentional way. If all this fails, and
it is possible to do so, resort to change of scene and
surroundings by travel or visiting. The latter remedy
is the surest if matters have not gone too far. In fact,
one-half of the love matches would be voluntarily
broken up by the parties themselves if they should be
separated for any great length of time. There is no
way to so surely test true love as this.
MARRIAGE IS STILL THE HAPPIEST STATE FOR BOTH
MAN AND WOMAN.
All the world smiles when a wedding takes place,
and the principals are, for the time being, objects of
the greatest interest. Much has been said of late in
certain quarters in regard to the infelicity of many
marriages; but if the divorce courts are to be taken as
criterions of the success or failure of this institution,
those who endeavor to have the tie dissolved by this
means do not exceed one in a hundred of all the marriages which take place.
It has been truly said that marriage halves a man's
sorrows and doubles his joys.
There are occasions on which this admiration takes
the form of undue parade and display, and on which
the expense entailed becomes a serious burden, both to
parents of the bride and to the groom, who is led into
extravagances in the way of gifts which he is frequently
ill able to afford.
A wedding, should, of course, be celebrated in a
manner suitable to the standing and wealth of the con



OOtURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.


193


tracting parties. The retirement of the honeymoon is
now no longer fashionable, and the wedding tour is
also no longer considered a necessary adjunct to the
marriage ceremony; and, when it is considered that
many wealthy brides prefer to be married in a traveling dress and bonnet and in the presence of a few
friends, there is no need to spend thousands of dollars
in order to enter the marriage state in a becoming
manner.
REQUIREMENTS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
Respect is as necessary to a happy marriage as
affection. Social quality, intellectual sympathy, are
very important matters to be considered by those who
contemplate matrimony. They should be able to look
above the impulses of an infatuated fancy, and see
whether they each have qualities that will insure a
congenial life-companionship. Many marry from the
impulses of early love, and wake up to find themselves
unmatched and unsuited in many respects to each
other; and so both lives become soured and spoiled
because their cares are multiplied from a want of congeniality. A man should love above himself.
Another condition of domestic happiness is intellectual sympathy. Man requires a woman who can
sympathize with him in his work, and woman requires
a man of domestic tastes. Neither beauty, physical
characteristics, nor other external qualities will compensate for the absence of intelligent thought and
clear and quick apprehensions.
Mutual trust and confidence are other requisites for
happiness in married life. There can be no true love
13




194


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


without trust. To combine with all the above conditions moral and religious sympathy, will insure not
only a life of happiness, but also one of usefulness.
DO NOT PRESS AN UNWELCOME SUIT.
If a young lady has no affection for a man, and can
not conceive that she ever could entertain any, it is
cruel to urge her to give her hand without her love.
The lover may eagerly believe that affection will grow
with companionship, but it will not do to risk it.
And the day may come when he will reproach his
wife for having no love for him, and he will possibly
make that the excuse for all manner of unkindness.
A LADY'S FIRST REFUSAL.
A lady's first refusal is not always to be taken as
absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to her own
feelings may influence a lady to reply in the negative
when she would wish, after reconsideration, she had
replied otherwise. A gentleman may repeat his suit
after having been once repulsed, but if she refuses a
second proposal the suit should be dropped.  No
lady ought to say "No" twice to a suit which she
intends ultimately to accept. Allow your lady full
time to make up her mind, and then, on a second
refusal, drop the suit.
THE REJECTED SUITOR.
Etiquette demands that the suitor shall accept the
decision and retire from the field. He has no right to
demand the reason of her refusal.  To persist in
urging the suit, or to follow up the lady with marked
attentions, would be in the worst possible taste. The




COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.


195


proper course is to treat her with respect, but withdraw as much as possible from the circles in which
she moves, so as not to cause her painful reminiscences.
ENGAGEMENT RING.
When a couple become engaged, the gentleman
presents the lady with a ring, which is worn on the
right finger of the right hand. He may make her
other presents from time to time until they are married if he sees fit.
POSITION OF AN ENGAGED WOMAN.
While the engaged woman is not to cut herself off
from society entirely, yet she must remember that she
has chosen her future husband, and should not encourage undue attentions from others. She is especially to avoid all flirtations. Her mind should be
turned to the future responsibilities which she is about
to assume, and taken off the transient participation in
social affairs.
POSITION OF AN ENGAGED MAN.
The same rules may be laid down for the man as the
woman. He should not assume a masterful or jealous
attitude toward his betrothed. They may both mingle.to a certain extent in society, but not so as to create
jealousy.
RELATIONS OF AN ENGAGED COUPLE.
A young man has no right to appear in public with
other ladies while his future bride remains at home.
He is, after engagement, her legitimate escort. She
should accept no other escort when he is at liberty to




196           AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.
attend her. Neither should be too demonstrative of
their affection before marriage.
BREAKING AN ENGA GEMENT.
It sometimes becomes necessary to break off an
engagement. And this, indeed, is not always unjustifiable. If anything is developed that will make the
marriage unhappy, it is far better to break it off than
otherwise. Always break an engagement by letter.
In this way the reasons can be set forth fully without
the embarrassment of the other's presence. Upon the
dissolution of an engagement all letters, pictures,
presents, etc., received should be returned.  The
heartaches that come from disappointed love do not
last always, therefore do not think it the greatest of
calamities that separation should come even though
on the verge of marriage.




CHAPTER XXI.


ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
~     — HE forms and circumstances of wedding occar  u  sions are so various that it
would be impossible to lay
conceivable occasion. Consequently only-those forms
of marriage attended with
the fullest ceremonies will
here be given —others, of
v~ course, can be modeled
after them as the occasion may require. After
the invitations are issued
the fiancee does not appear in public.
THE BRIDESMAIlDS AND GROOMSM.EN.
Bridesmaids are taken from the relatives or most
intimate friends-the sisters of the bride and of the
bridegroom where possible. The bridegroom chooses
his groomsmen and ushers from his circle of relatives
and friends of his own age, and from the relatives of
his fiancee of a suitable age.
(197)




198


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


THE BRIDAL COSTUME.
The most approved bridal costume for young brides
is of white silk, high corsage, along veil of white tulle,
reaching to the feet, and a wreath of maiden blush
roses with orange blossoms. The roses she can continue to wear, but the orange blossoms are only suitable for the ceremony.
There are usually neither bridesmaids nor groomsmen at a wedding at home, and if the bride is married
in a traveling dress and bonnet, it should be made of
some dark silk or velvet material.
A widow should never wear a bridal veil, nor any
apple blossoms or white silk, at her second marriage.
She usually wears a light-colored silk or a traveling
dress and bonnet.
In the selection of a wedding garment, as in costumes for other occasions, the two chief points to be
considered are: first, Is it appropriate? and, secondly,
Is it becoming? A bride should never be led into
wearing a costume unsuitable to the occasion merely
because it becomes her, or because she admired it when
worn by others. Brunettes and blondes can not wear
the same colors to equal advantage, and one of the
most striking evidences of good taste is the ability to
select apparel that will harmonize with the figure and
complexion of the wearer.
COSTUMES OF THE BRIDEGROOM AND USHERS.
The bridegroom and ushers, at a morning wedding,
wear full morning dress, dark blue or black frock
coats, or cut-aways, light neckties, and light trousers.
The bridegroom wears white gloves. The ushers wear
gloves of some delicate color.




ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.


199


PRESENTS OF THE BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM.
Where the bride makes presents to the bridesmaids
on her wedding day, they generally consist of some
articles of jewelry, not costly, and given simply as a
memento of the occasion. The bridegroom sometimes
gives the groomsmen a scarf-pin of some quaint device,
or other slight memento of the occasion.
CEREMONIALS WHEN THERE ARE NO USHERS OR
BRIDESMAIDS.
When there are no bridesmaids or ushers the ceremonials are as follows: The members of the bride's
family proceed to the church before the bride, who
follows with her mother. The bridegroom awaits them
at the church, and gives his arm to the bride's mother.
They walk up the aisle to the altar, the mother falling
back to her position on the left. The father, or relative
representing him, conducts the bride to the bridegroom
who stands at the altar with his face turned toward
her as she approaches, and the father falls back to the
left. The relatives follow, taking their places standing; those of the bride to the left, those of the groom
to the right. After kneeling at the altar for a moment,
the bride, standing on the left of the groom, takes the
glove off from her left hand while he takes the glove
off from his right hand. The service then begins.
The bride leaves the altar, taking the bridegroom's
right arm, and they pass down the aisle. The bride
and groom drive away in their own carriage. The
rest follow in their own carriages.




200


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


THE LATEST CEREMONIALS.
The latest New York form for the marriage ceremony is as follows: When the bridal party has
arranged itself for entrance, the ushers, in pairs,
march slowly up to the altar, and turn to the right.
Behind them follows the groom alone. When he
reaches the altar, he turns, facing the aisle, to await
the coming of his bride. After a slight interval, the
bridesmaids follow, in pairs, and at the altar turn to
the left. After another brief interval, the bride, alone
and entirely veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows
her companions. The groom comes forward a few
steps to meet her, and taking her hand, places her
at the altar. Both kneel for a moment's silent devotion. The parents having followed her, stand just
behind and partly to the left. The ceremony now
proceeds as usual. While the bride and bridegroom
are passing out of the church, the bridesmaids follow
slowly, each upon the arm of an usher, and they afterward hasten on as speedily as possible to welcome
the bride at her own door, and to arrange themselves
about the bride and groom in the reception-room, half
of the ladies upon her side and half upon his, the first
bridesmaid retaining the place of honor.
THE USHERS' DUTIES.
The ushers at the door of the reception-room offer
themselves as escorts to parties, who arrive slowly
from the church, conducting them to the bridal party,
and there presenting them by name. At the church
the ushers are the first to arrive. They stand by the
inner entrance and offer their arms to escort the ladies




ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.


201


as they enter, to their proper seats in the church. If
the lady be accompanied, the gentleman follows the
usher and lady to their seat.
WEDDINGS AT HOME.
Weddings at home vary little from those at church.
The music, the assembling of friends, the entree of the
bridal party to the position selected, are the same. An
altar of flowers and place of kneeling can easily be
arranged at home. Other floral accessories, such as
the marriage bell, horseshoe or white dove, etc., can
be arranged with ease by a skillful florist if desired.
EVENING WEDDING.
The only difference in an evening wedding from one
in the morning would be, that the ushers or groomsmen wear full evening dress, and the bridal pair retire
quietly to dress for their journey before the dancing
party disperses, and thus leave unobserved.
THE WEDDING RING.
At present all churches use the ring, and vary the
sentiment of its adoption to suit the customs and the
ideas of their own rites. A jeweled ring has been for
many years the sign and symbol of betrothal, but at
present a plain gold circlet with the date of the engagement inscribed within, is generally preferred. The
ring is removed by the groom at the altar, passed to
the clergyman and used in the ceremony. A jeweled
ring is placed on her hand by the groom on the way
home from church,




202


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


WHAT THE BRIDEGROOM MA   PAY FOR.
This is a very important part of the etiquette to be
observed during an engagement; many a groom has
unwittingly given mortal offense by interfering with
the customs that have prevailed from time immemorial
in regard to what he may pay for, and what falls to
the province of the bride's parents.
All wedding cards should be paid for by the family
of the bride, and all other expenses of the wedding,
with the following exceptions: The clergyman's fee
(this is handed to the clergyman by the best man after
the ceremony), the wedding ring, the bride's bouquet
and present, and presents or bouquets to the bridesmaids; to the ushers he may give scarf pins, or some
equally appropriate gift.
The groom should on no account pay for the cards,
the carriages, nor the entertainment, nor anything connected with the wedding.
The reason for this is, that an engagement may be
broken even after the cards are out, and it would then
remain for the parents of the bride to either repay the
outlay, or stand in the position of being indebted to
the discarded son-in-law.
In the event of the engagement being broken, the
bride should immediately return all presents.
In addition to other details, the parents of the bride
should pay for the cards sent out after marriage.
These are generally ordered with the announcement
cards.
Wedding presents have of late become, in some
instances, notoriously costly.  These presents are
usually sent any time within sixty days of the date
of the wedding.




E1TIQUETTVS OF WEDDINGS.


203


INVITATIONS.
Wedding invitations should be handsomely engraved in script. The following is the latest form
of invitations:
CA4. az/ "  dic. CAZ-e a,       z
A-ex 7^a -<z^~ 1^ede"_Ce Cuf    i'a-e f


/0, On                  /"a~,  ca  a 9jb/R'O aCxc


The invitation requires no answer. Friends living
in other towns receiving it, enclose their cards and
send by mail. The invitation to the wedding breakfast is enclosed in the same envelope, generally on a
square card half the size of the sheet of note paper
containing wedding invitation. The following is one,dmong many forms.




204


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


^4,,/,,  /^? B^i23 v  ~<c;/
The card of admission to the church is narrower,
and is plainly engraved in large script, as follows:.
About half an hour intervenes between the ceremony and reception. Those receiving "At Home"
invitations should never fail to accept.
REQ UIBEMENTS OF BRIDESMAIDS AND USHERS.
Bridesmaids and ushers should allow nothing but
illness or some unavoidable accident to prevent them
from officiating. They should gratefully accept the
honored position for which they have been selected,
and thus show their appreciation of the friendship and
esteem in which they are held by the bridal pair. If for
any reason one can not attend, a substitute should be
provided immediately.
BRIDAL PRESENTS.
Bridal presents should be sent to the bride previous
to the day of the ceremony. The universal bridal pres



ETIQUETT1 OF WEDDINGS.


$0;


ent has fallen into disuse, and if presents are made
they should be spontaneous, and not considered obligatory. These presents are not now put on exhibition
as formerly, but acknowledged in a private note by
the bride. It is not in good taste to talk about the
presents.
JUNE THE FAVORITE MONTH.
From time immemorial there has been something
poetical about the month of June in the judgment of
Hymen. May doubtless has its charms, with its tender, budding leaves and gentle green tints, but this
month has always been considered unlucky, and so it
must, with those who are susceptible of such superstitions, be avoided.
When Easter falls late in the spring it is usually
followed by many fashionable marriages, and with us
autumn is a very prolific season for such ceremonies.
These brilliant October days are not too warm, and the
country houses are still open and give opportunities
for rest and quiet before the round of winter festivities
falls thick and fast upon the heads of the newlymarried couple. But these points are more readily
settled by the contracting parties and for them all
seasons will be summer.
ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE CEREMONIES.
A master of ceremonies is often selected for church
weddings, who is expected to be at the church as soon
as the doors are opened. He makes all necessary
arrangements at the church for the reception of the




206           AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.
bridal party. He sees that a white ribbon is stretched
across the aisle of the church, far enough back from
the front to provide room for family and special guests
in the front pews. The organist should be early at
his post, and is expected to play during the arrival
of the guests. The order of the religious part of the
ceremony is fixed by the church in which it occurs.
CALLS.
All guests who receive "At Home" invitations, or
who are invited to the church, are required by etiquette
to call upon the family of the bride, or leave their
cards, within ten days after the wedding. They are
expected also to call upon the newly married pair if
they continue to reside in the city where they are
married.




CHAPTER XXII.


RULES OF CONDUCT.
R   CENTLY a little
girl, not more than
six years of age,
was observed to arise from her seat
da        and go carefully around a company
of ladies and gentlemen who were
sitting around a fire, in place of passing in
front of them, as most little ones of that age
would have done. The action of the little
girl called forth a remark of approbation
from some one else who observed her conduct.
Her parents at her early age had already done for her
what many another one has to acquire through the
tribulation of an embarrassing experience. It is an
unfortunate thing that so many young men and
women have to be taught what is proper and what is
not proper conduct after they have reached years of
maturity. Our young people might as well grow up
intuitively taught in the principles and graces of good
conduct by the example and advice of careful and con(207)




208


AMERIOAN ETIQUETTE.


siderate parents, as to come into manhood and womanhood rude, ungraceful and negligent of the many little
acts of kindness and unselfishness which always
characterize a well-bred person. In this spirit and
with this hope the following rules of conduct are
presented.
Much awkwardness in bearing and movement may
be corrected by gymnastic exercises.
Emerson has said " that it is want of thought which
causes people to be awkward," and there is certainly
much truth in this statement, for if the speaker have
really something to say, he or she will immediately
lose all self-consciousness, and move and act with perfect naturalness. There is one thing certain-that the
educated and intelligent man is seldom ungraceful,
and the ungainly Dr. Samuel Johnson, we are told by
Boswell, deported himself like a king in the presence
of his sovereign.
Much of the art of being graceful lies in repose.
Such tricks as playing nervously with a chatelaine, or
trifling with a fan or watch-chain, should be studiously
avoided.
GRACEFULNESS.
To every well-bred man and woman physical education is indispensable. It is the duty of a gentleman to
know how to ride, to shoot, to fence, to box, to swim,
to row, and to dance.  He should be graceful. If
attacked by ruffians, a man should be able to defend
himself, and also to defend women from their insults.
Dancing, skating, swimming, archery, games of lawn
tennis, riding and driving, and croquet, all aid in
developing and strengthening the muscles, and should
be practiced by ladies. The better the physical train



P.17LES OF CoflDtICT~


209


ing, the more self-possessed and graceful she will be.
Open-air exercise is essential to good health and a
perfect physical development.
AWKWARDNESS OF ATTITUDE.
Awkwardness of attitude betrays a want of good
home training and physical culture. It is a mark of
vulgarity. A lady should not sit cross-legged or sidewise on her chair, nor stretch out her feet, nor hold
her chin, twirl her ribbons, or finger her buttons. A
man should not lounge in his chair, nurse his leg,
caress his foot crossed over his knee, or bite his nails.
A gentleman is allowed more freedom than a lady.
He may sit cross-legged if he wish, but should not
sit with his knees far apart, nor with his foot on his
knee. In indicating an object, move the whole hand,
or the head, but never point the finger. All should be
quiet and graceful, either in their sitting or standing
position.
OUR MOODS.
Before we enter society we should subdue our
gloomy moods. It is our duty to speak kindly and
look pleasantly. Unless others make us the confidant
of their woes, we should not inflict them with any
dismal account of our health, state of mind or outward
circumstances. We should appear sympathetic. A
lady who expresses in plain, curt words, or by act,
that the visit of another is unwelcome, may think herself no hypocrite; but she is very selfish. Courtesy
requires her to forget her own feelings, and remember
those of her visitor.
14




210


AME1IRCAN R3T1QUT1TTh8


GOSSIP AND TALE-BEARING.
Gossip and tale-bearing are always a personal confession of malice or imbecility. These things should
be shunned by the young of both sexes, who should,
by the most thorough culture, free themselves from
all inclination in that direction.
A GOOD LISTENER.
The art of being a good listener is almost as great as
that of being a good talker; but you should do more
than listen. It is your duty to seem interested in the
conversation of those who are talking. To manifest
impatience is a mark of low breeding.
COUGHING, SNEEZING, ETC.
If you must cough, sneeze or clear the throat, do it
as quickly as possible. You should never expectorate,
snuff, nor hawk in society. By placing the thumb or
fingers firmly across the bridge of the nose, a sneeze
can be checked. Bury the face in a handkerchief
during the act of sneezing, for obvious reasons.
REMAOVING THE HAT.
Through instinct a gentleman will remove his hat
as soon as he enters a room, the habitual resort of
ladies. He never sits in the house with his hat on in
the presence of ladies. A gentleman will not retain
his hat in a theatre or place of public entertainment.
TALKING OF PERSONALITIES.
Never speak of your birth, your travels or any
personal matters to those who may misunderstand




RULES OF CONDUCT.


211


you, and consider it boasting. If induced to speak
of them, do not speak boastfully, and do not dwell
too long upon them.
UNFA VORABLE OPINIONS.
If a young man appears to be attracted by, and
attentive to a young lady, be exceedingly cautious
about expressing an unfavorable opinion to him relative
to her. The remembrance of your observations will
not be pleasant to the parties, nor to yourself, should
they marry.
A WOMAN'S GOOD NAME.
Lord Chesterfield says: " Civility is particularly due
to all women; and remember that no provocation
whatever can justify any man in not being civil to
every woman; and the greatest man would justly be
reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest
woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours."
No gentleman will speak a word against any woman
at any time, or mention a woman's name in any company where it should not be spoken.
KEEPING ENGA GEMENTS.
It is very rude and an extreme violation of the rules
of etiquette to make an engagement, either of business
or pleasure, and break it. Those whose memory is
not retentive enough to keep all engagements, should
enter them in a small memorandum book carried for
that purpose.
DO NOT CONTRADICT.
It is extremely impolite to directly contradict any
one. If the matter is of no importance, let it pass;




212           AMERIOAJN Ei~TIQUETTE.




RULES OF CONDUCT.


213


otherwise, say, " I beg your pardon, but I think you
mistake or are misinformed," or any other similar
phrase, which will break the weight of direct contradiction.
SPEAKING PERSONS' NAMES.
In speaking of absent persons, who are not intimate
friends or relatives, do not use their Christian names
or surnames, but always use Mr. —, or Mrs. -, or
Miss -. Do not speak of any one as "Mr. D." In
speaking of a foreigner give his full name.
PLAYING AND SINGING IN SOCIETY.
If a lady is requested to sing or play, she should do
so at once, if she intends to comply, without waiting
to be urged. In refusing, she should do it in a manner
that shall make her decision final. A lady should not
monopolize the evening with her performances, but
retire to make room for others. It is a mark of vanity
for a lady to exhibit any anxiety to sing or play.
SMOKING.
A gentleman should not smoke in the presence of
ladies, even though they have given permission, nor
should he smoke in a room which ladies are in the
habit of frequenting. The rules of politeness forbid it.
THE BREATH.
Keep the breath sweet and pure. Gentlemen should
be careful and not go into the presence of ladies smelling of tobacco. Onions should not be eaten because
of their offensiveness to the breath.




214


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


EMfOTION.
It is a mark of good breeding to suppress undue
emotion, whether of disappointment, of mortification,
of laughter, of anger, or of selfishness in any form.
DO NOT RECALL AN INVITATION.
Even from the best motives, an invitation, once given,
can not be 'recalled, without subjecting the one who
recalls it to the charge of being either ignorant or
regardless of all rules of conventional politeness.
The only exception to this rule is, when the wrong
person has received the invitation.
TREATMENT OF INFERIORS.
Never affect superiority. If you chance to be in the
company of an inferior, do not let him feel his inferiority. When you invite an inferior as your guest,
treat him with all the politeness and consideration
you would show an equal.
A CHECKED CONVERSATION.
If a person checks himself in a conversation, you
should not insist on hearing what he intended to say.
There was some good reason for checking himself, and
it might cause him unpleasant feelings to urge him to
carry out his first intentions.
ADAPT YOURSELF TO OTHERS.
The best advice we can give under this head is to
follow the old saying, "When in Rome, do as Rome
does."




RULES OF CONDUCT.


215


INTR UDING ON PRIVACY.
Knock before entering a private room anywhere.
The private property of others should be carefully
respected. Do not allow your curiosity to tempt you
to pry into desks, letters, pockets, trunks, or anything
belonging to another. Do not read a written paper
lying open on a desk or table; whatever it may be, it
is certainly no business of yours. If a person is reading or writing, do not look over his shoulder. Never
question a servant or child upon family affairs. An
implied confidence should not be betrayed, even if
secrecy has not been requested.
A LADY DRIVING WITH A GENTLEMAN.
If a gentleman accepts an invitation from a lady to
drive in her phaeton, he should walk to her house,
unless she proposes to call for him. In that case he
should, if possible, meet her on the way, or at least not
cause her to wait for him.
BE MODERATE.
Your opinions should be expressed with modesty.
If required to defend them, do so earnestly, but without that warmth which may lead to hard feelings.
Avoid entering into argument. When you have
spoken your mind, and shown that you are not cowardly in your beliefs and opinions, drop the. subject
and lead to some other topic.
ANECDOTES, PUNS AND REPARTEES.
Avoid bringing anecdotes into conversation. Do
not exhibit vulgarity by "making puns." Indulge




216


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


with moderation in repartees, as they degenerate into
the vulgarity of altercation.
PRECEDENCE TO OTHERS.
Unless required to take the precedence, give it to
those older or of higher social position than yourself.
It is better to give others the rank of precedence than
to take your own.
VULGAR ACTS.
When committed in the presence of others the following acts are classed as vulgarities:
To stand or sit with feet wide apart.
To hum, whistle or sing in suppressed tones.
To use profane language, or stronger expressions
than the occasion justifies.
To sit with your back to a person, without asking
to be excused.
To chew tobacco, and its unnecessary accompaniment, spitting, are vulgar in the extreme.
To correct inaccuracies in the statements of others,
or in their modes of speech.
To stand with the arms a-kimbo; to lounge or yawn,
or to do anything which shows disrespect, selfishness
or indifference.
GENERAL RULES.
Never attract attention to yourself by talking or
laughing loudly in public.
Never neglect to perform a commission undertaken
for a friend.
Never answer another rudely or impatiently. Reply
courteously at whatever inconvenience to yourself.
Never lean your head against the wall, as you may
soil the paper of the room.




RULES OF CONDUCT.


217


Never lend a borrowed book, but return such a book
the day you are done with it.
Never engage a person in private conversation in
presence of others, nor make any mysterious allusions
which no one else understands.
Never waste the time of others by making them wait
for you. Be punctual.
Never refuse to accept an apology for an offense,
and never hesitate to make one. if it is due from
you.
"Never speak of a man's virtues before his face, or
of his faults behind his back."
Never ridicule others, be the objects of your ridicule
present or absent.
Never boast of birth, friends or money, or of any
superior advantages you may have.
Never address a mere acquaintance by his or her
Christian name. The acquaintance may take offense
at the presumption.
Never pass before persons when it is possible to pass
behind them; and never pass between two persons
who are talking together. Apologize when such an
act is necessary.
Never intrude upon a business man or woman in
business hours unless you wish to see them on business.
Never stamp noisily or slam a door on entering a
room.
Do not seem to notice the deformity of another.
Always hand a chair for a lady, and perform any
little service she may seem to require.
Under ordinary circumstances a lady precedes a
gentleman; a gentleman precedes a lady passing
through a crowd.




5: I I , 1., I all
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i
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II IV


(218)




IMMV8 OIP OONDDVIOT.


219


Avoid every species of affectation, as it is always
detected, and exceedingly disagreeable.
Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of the business or profession in which you are engaged.
Ladies never offer to take the arm in escorting each
other.
Refrain from absent-mindedness in the presence of
others. It is a poor compliment to thus forget them.
"In private, watch your thoughts; in your family,
watch your temper; in society, watch your tongue."
Do not touch or handle any of the ornaments in the
house where you visit. They are intended to be admired, not handled, by visitors.
It is impolite to administer reproof to any one in
the presence of others. It is unwise to scold at any
time.
Bow slightly, as a general salutation, on entering a
room, before speaking to each of the persons there
assembled.
In speaking of your children to any one except servants, unless married, give them their Christian names
only, or say "my daughter " or "my son."
Acknowledge, without delay, an invitation to stop
with a friend, or any unusual attention.
A gentleman or lady may look over a book of engravings or a collection of photographs with propriety,
but it is impolite to read in company.
It is best to deal courteously with the rude as well
as with the courteous. Contempt and haughtiness are
habits to be avoided.
Never pick your teeth, clean your nails, scratch
your head or pick your nose in company.




AMERICAN IETIQtETTT.


Never answer a serious remark with a flippant one,
or play a practical joke on any person.
Always show respect for the religious opinions and
observations of others, no matter how much they may
differ from your own.
Be quiet and composed under all circumstances.
Do not get fidgety if time drags heavily, nor show any
visible signs of uneasiness.
Do not show a want of courtesy by consulting your
watch either at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as though you were tired of your company, and
wished them to be gone. If abroad, it appears as
though the hours dragged heavily, and you were calculating how soon you would be released.
WASHINGTON'S MAXIMS.
Washington's directions as to personal conduct,
which he called his "Rules of Civility and Decent
Behavior in Company," have been given to the public
by Mr. Sparks in his biography of Washington.
They are interesting and valuable, and we give them
entire.
"Every action in company ought to be with some sign of
respect to those present.
" In the presence of others sing not to yourself with a humming voice, nor drum with your fingers or feet.
"Speak not when others speak, sit not when others stand,
and walk not when others stop.
"Turn not your back to others, especially in speaking; jog
not the table or desk on which another reads or writes; lean
not on any one.
" Be no flatterer, neither play with any one that delights not
to be played with.




PU.LLS OI CONDUYCTIX


321


" Read no letters, books or papers in company; but when
there is a necessity for doing it, you must not leave. Come
not near the books or writings of any one so as to read them
unasked; also look not nigh when another is writing a letter.
"Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters
somewhat grave.
" Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another, though
he were your enemy.
"They that are in dignity of office have in all places precedency, but whilst they are young, they ought to respect those
that are their equals in birth or other qualities, though they
have no public charge.
"It is good manners to prefer them to whom we speak
before ourselves, especially if they be above us.
" Let your discourse with men of business be short and comprehensive.
" In visiting the sick do not presently play the physician if
you be not knowing therein.
"In writing or speaking, give to every person his due title
according to his degree and the custom of the place.
" Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit your judgment to others with modesty.
"Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he himself
professes; it savors arrogancy.
"When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well,
blame not him that did it.
"Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it
ought to be in public or private, presently or at some other
time, also in what terms to do it; and in reproving show no
signs of choler, but do it with sweetness and mildness.
"Mock not nor jest at anything of importance; break no
jests that are sharp or biting, and if you deliver anything
witty or pleasant, abstain from laughing thereat yourself.
"Wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself,
for example is more prevalent than precept.




AMERiCAN" TTIQJEFTTE.


"Use no reproachful language against any one neither
curses nor revilings.
" Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement
of any one.
" In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to accommodate
nature rather than procure admiration. Keep to the fashion of
your equals, such as are civil and orderly with respect to time
and place.
" Play not the peacock, looking everywhere about you to see
if you be well decked, if your shoes fit well, if your stockings
set neatly and clothes handsomely.
"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem
your reputation, for it is better to be alone than in bad company.
"Let your conversation be without malice or envy, for it is a
sign of tractable and commendable nature: and in all causes
for passion admit reason to govern.
"Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a secret.
"Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grown and
learned men, nor very difficult questions or subjects amongst
the ignorant, nor things hard to be believed.
"Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth, nor at the
table; speak not of melancholy things, as death and wounds;
and if others mention them, change, if you can, the discourse.
Tell not your dreams but to your intimate friends.
" Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth. Laugh
not aloud, nor at all without occasion. Deride no man's misfortunes, though there seem to be some cause.
"Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor earnest.
Scoff at none, although they give occasion.
"Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the first to
salute, hear and answer; and be not pensive when it is time to
converse.
"Detract not from others, but neither be excessive in commending.




RULES OF CONDUCT.


223


"Go not thither where you know not whether you shall be
welcome or not. Give not advice without being asked; and
when desired, do it briefly.
" If two contend together, take not the part of either unconstrained, and be not obstinate in your opinion; in things indifferent be of the major side.
"Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for that belongs
to parents, masters and superiors.
"Gaze not upon the marks or blemishes of others, and ask
not how they came. What you may speak in secret to your
friend deliver not before others.
" Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but in your
own language; and that as those of quality do, and not as the
vulgar. Sublime matters treat seriously.
"Think before you speak; pronounce not imperfectly, nor
bring out your words too heartily, but orderly and distinctly."
"When another speaks, be attentive yourself, and disturb
not the audience. If any hesitate in his words, help him not,
nor prompt him without being desired; interrupt him not, nor
answer him till his speech be ended.
"Treat with men at fit times about business, and whisper
not in the company of others.
"Make no comparisons; and if any of the company be commended for any brave act of virtue, commend not another for
the same.
"Be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth thereof.
In discoursing of the things that you have heard, name not
your author always. A secret discover not.
" Be not curious to know the affairs of others, neither approach to those that speak in private.
"Undertake not what you can not perform; but be careful
to keep your promise.
" When you deliver a matter, do it without passion and indiscretion, however mean the person may be you do it to.
"When your superiors talk to anybody, hear them; neither
speak nor laugh.




224


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


"In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as not to give
liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, and submit to the
judgment of the major part, especially if they are judges of
the dispute.
"Be not tedious in discourse; make not many digressions,
nor repeat often the same matter of discourse.
" Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
"Be not angry at table, whatever happens; and if you have
reason to be so, show it not; put on a cheerful countenance,
especially if there be strangers, for good humor makes one
dish a feast.
" Set not yourself at the upper end of the table; but if it be
your due, or the master of the house will have it so, contend
not, lest you should trouble the company.
"When you speak of God or his attributes, let it be seriously, in reverence and honor; and obey your natural parents.
"Let your recreations be manful, not sinful.
"Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.


Ikk\




CHAPTER XXIII.


ANNIVERSARIES.
T is the aim and the object of
all anniversaries, whether in
public or in private life, to
enable us to bring back
/I/  -again viva voce the scenes
=_e —_.        and the events which, although past, make us thrill
_- =          with the joy, the life and the
enthusiasm  of what once
7           marked an epoch in our
lives. Imbued with this spirit, the practice of celebrating wedding anniversaries has come to be largely
observed among all classes of good society. The custom is a good one, because it affords an opportunity
for a social reunion among the friends and relatives
of the husband and wife. On these occasions the
couple celebrating often appear in the wedding costume which, if preserved many years, adds interest
and pleasure by its quaintness and oddity as compared
with the prevailing styles. The couple receive their
guests together, who, upon entering the drawing-room,
tender their congratulations and good wishes for continued prosperity and happiness. The various anni15           (225)




226


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


versaries receive names indicative of the presents suitable to such occasions. At the earlier anniversaries
much pleasantry is occasioned by presenting unique
and fantastic articles prepared for the occasion. In
doing this care should be taken not to offer anything
which would be apt to give offense to a person of a
sensitive nature.
The opportunity of celebrating a golden wedding
comes to but few married couples, and still more seldom have the fifty years of married life passed without
leaving traces of sorrow that a celebration of the event
might serve to recall too vividly.
Silver weddings are, however, far more common.
The celebration of this anniversary is usually arranged
so as to take place at the hour of the original wedding;
where this is found impracticable it takes the place of
an ordinary evening party, in which the " bridal couple" stand together to receive. The object to be attained
is to gather together as many of the original groomsmen and bridesmaids as possible. As to the question
of gifts, it is usual to print the words "no presents
received" on the invitation, and it then remains for
those invited to use their own judgment in the matter.
These presents, to be appropriate, should be of silver.
With the group of grooms and bridesmaids should
be gathered the children and grandchildren of the aged
pair; and it is not uncommon for the husband to make
his wife a present of a handsome ring in commemoration of the event.
Other anniversary weddings not commonly kept are
the iron wedding, the fifteenth anniversary, and the
crown-diamond wedding, or the sixty-fifth anniversary,
of which but one or two authentic cases are on record.




ANNIVERSARIES.


227


In these anniversary weddings it is better to avoid
all suggestion of the original ceremony in the way of
dress; but, while white should be avoided, as being
too youthful, black should not be worn. Many select
the quieter shades of silk, or a silver-gray, than which
nothing is more becoming to ladies who are advancing
in years.
THE PAPER, COTTON AND LEATHER WEDDINGS.
The first anniversary of the wedding-day is called
the paper wedding, the second the cotton wedding,
and the third the leather wedding. Invitations to the
first should be printed or written on a gray paper.
Articles made of paper should be the only presents
given.
For the cotton wedding invitations should be printed
on fine cotton cloth. Presents, if given, should be of
articles of cotton cloth.
Issue invitations for the leather wedding upon
leather, nicely gotten up. Only presents of leather
are appropriate.
THE WOODEN WEDDING.
The fifth anniversary of the marriage is called the
wooden wedding. In issuing invitations use thin cards
of wood, or enclose in an envelope a card of wood
with invitation, which may be written upon wedding
paper. Articles made of wood are suitable for presents.
THE TIN WEDDING.
The tin wedding is the tenth anniversary of the
marriage.  The invitations should be upon cards




228
J 11


22 ~     AMERICAN ETIQUETTZE

1111ii,            I!ill   i. Ii'l:l 11,; il
1i             illO     i II
"Irl"i            I
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ANNIVERSARIES.


229


covered, with a tin card enclosed. Presents may be
selected from the list of articles made of tin.
THE CRYSTAL WEDDING.
The fifteenth anniversary is called the crystal wedding. The invitations for this anniversary may be on
wedding paper with a sheet of mica enclosed, thin
transparent paper, or colored sheets of prepared gelatine. Presents should be articles of glass.
THE FLORAL WEDDING.
The floral wedding occurs on the twentieth anniversary of the wedding day. The invitations should be on
exceedingly fine paper, elegantly printed and enclosed
in an envelope, with a small pressed flower bearing a
sentiment that you wish to express. If presents are
offered, they may be tastefully arranged bouquets,
wreaths or garlands, or floral emblems, suitable to that
for which they are designed.
THE SILVER WEDDING.
The silver wedding is the twenty-fifth anniversary
of the wedding-day. The invitations may be issued
upon an excellent quality of note paper, printed in
bright silver, with monogram or crest upon both paper
and envelope, in silver also. Presents of silver are
appropriate.
THE PEARL WEDDING.
The pearl wedding is the thirtieth anniversary. The
invitations should be printed with pearl type on a very
fine glazed card, oval-shaped, and of a silvery or bluish
white color. Presents, if offered, should be articles of
pearl.




230


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


THE CHINA WEDDING.
The china wedding is the thirty-fifth anniversary.
The invitations for this wedding should be on a superior quality of fine, semi-transparent note paper or
cards. Any article of china ware, useful or ornamental, is suitable for a present on this occasion.
THE CORAL WE'DDING.
The coral wedding occurs on the fortieth anniversary of the marriage. Invitations may be issued upon
a fine wedding paper. Presents may be of white or
red coral.
THE BRONZE WEDDING.
The forty-fifth anniversary of the wedding-day is
called the bronze wedding. The invitations should
be issued upon bronzed cards. Articles of bronze
may be offered as presents.
THE GOLDEN WEDDING.
The close of half a century of married life is truly
an event worthy of celebration. When man and wife
have clung together and braved the storms of this life
for fifty years, they certainly deserve hearty congratulations and offerings of gold. Invitations should be
upon superfine note paper, printed in gold, with
highly burnished crest or monogram on both paper
and envelope. If presents are offered, they should
be in gold.
THE DIAMOND WEDDING.
Diamond weddings are seldom celebrated. Few
persons dwell together under the holy bonds of




ANNIVERSARIES.


231


matrimony seventy-five years. So rare is the diamond
wedding that no particular form of invitations is in
use. A general offering of presents on this occasion is
impossible, since the means of most persons will not
admit of making gifts of diamonds.
THE WEDDING RING.
It may not be generally known that the wedding
ring is of Roman origin, and was given by the bridegroom to the bride as a pledge of their engagement.
In Juvenal we read that a man placed a ring on the
finger of the lady to whom he was betrothed. In
those days kings and other dignitaries gave rings as
pledges of good faith, and much importance was
attached to them as a means of identification or as
pledges of promises made. Then, as now, the ring was
placed upon the woman's left hand, and so universal
is this custom among both Jews and Christians that
the plain gold circlet worn on the third finger of the
left hand has become the outward sign of marriage,
and with many it is still considered a bad omen to
remove it after it has been placed there at the altar.
At wedding breakfasts it is still customary to place
a ring in the cake, and the fortunate bridesmaid or
guest who obtains it is assured of an early marriage.
PRESENTS AT ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
Custom and the rules of etiquette do not require
that an invitation to an anniversary wedding be
acknowledged by a gift. The members of the family
and intimate friends are usually the donors on such
occasions, and may use their own judgment as to
giving presents.




232


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


It is not amiss and is generally customary in issuing
invitations to a golden or silver wedding, to have
printed at the bottom the words "No presents," or to
inclose a card  announcing - "Presents are not
expected."
INVITATIONS TO ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
Below is given a model invitation to an anniversary
wedding. The names of the husband and wife, and
the dates of the marriage and the anniversary may be
inserted in their proper places.
MODEL INVITATION.
/'9d/- /c'cf/.
(ago^ Xc      Cge^d 6^ ^
A proper variation will make the above form suitable for all anniversary weddings.




ANNIVERSARIES.              233
THE MiARRIA GE CEREMONY.
The marriage ceremony is often repeated at silver
or golden weddings. The officiating clergyman may
so change the exact words of the marriage ceremony
as to render them appropriate to the occasion. The
earliest anniversaries are almost too mirthful occasions
upon which to introduce this ceremony.








CHAPTER XXIV.


THE TOILET.
1 LEANLINESS, neatness and tidi/f i    ness represent the triple incentive
to the maintenance of any and
every system of etiquette. One's
conversation may be fascinating,
l (            his actions graceful, and his countenance pleasing; but if his person
-:  is untidy, his hair unkempt, and his
J             dress negligent, we are instinctively
_       and unequivocally repelled. Therefore,
S         in matters pertaining to cleanliness and
tidiness any one who would be a well-bred person can
not be too careful. The sweetness, attractiveness and
purity which pervade the presence of any neat and
careful person are, in themselves, attractions which at
once open to him the way to social position and the
ownership of many friends. The toilet, then, is a
careful and a daily attention to the neatness and tidiness of one's person and dress. Out of it grow better
health, greater pleasure and more perfect beauty
than one can hope to obtain from. any other source.
With these in mind, let no gentleman fail to give attention to well-combed hair, clean hands, well-trimmed
beard or cleanly shaven face, and good clothes; while
every lady will be sure to avoid an untidy dress and
disheveled hair.


(285)




236


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


THE BATH.
The bath is the first requisite for health, cleanliness,
vigor and beauty. No better health preservative can
be prescribed than the bath. It not only cleanses the
body, but preserves the skin and keeps its millions of
pores in a clean, healthy state. We should not bathe
simply to be clean, but for the sanitary effects, and to
remain healthy and clean. Nothing refreshes and
invigorates like cold water, but it stimulates too much
and does not cleanse enough. A warm water bath
once or twice a week, with plenty of soap, is necessary
for cleanliness. The water should be from eighty-five
to ninety-five degrees Fahrenheit. The flesh-brush
should be applied vigorously, and a coarse Turkish
towel used for thorough drying. For beautifying the
complexion, the daily use of the sponge or flesh-brush,
plenty of exercise in the operation, and early rising,
can not be equaled.
A house should always be provided with a bathroom. Dispense with the parlor or a bed-room before
you do without the bath-room. The loss will be a
princely gain. A house containing a bath-room, with
hot and cold water, affords a luxury to be prized; but
in small towns and country houses such conveniences
can not be had. An oilcloth placed upon the floor
will make a hand bath agreeable.
The shower bath can not be recommended for indiscriminate use, for it can not be endured by persons of
delicate constitutions.
A hip bath may be taken every morning with the
temperature of the water suited to the endurance of
the individual. A sponge bath is recommended upon
retiring in summer. A warm bath should be taken at




THIE TOILET.


237


least once each week in order to thoroughly cleanse
the body and keep open the pores of the skin. Always use rough towels to dry the skin, remove the
impurities, and give a healthy glow to the body.
The use of the hair glove or flesh brush is recommended before applying the towel. The head should
be wet first in all baths. If overheated or fatigued,
always rest before bathing. Dr. Franklin and eminent
French physicians recommend the air bath, which is
simply exposure to the sun, light and air, and in
many cases this simple treatment is said to have
effected wonderful cures.
THE SKIN.
The best way of improving and beautifying the skin
is to improve the general health by temperate living,
moderate exercise, early rising, perfect cleanliness of
the entire person, and the avoidance of all cosmetics.
Cosmetics and washes are dangerous to beauty, and
surely defeat the end they seek. A free circulation of
the blood is essential for a beautiful complexion.
Tight lacing interferes with the circulation, hence it
injures the complexion. Wash the skin thoroughly
with warm water and soap frequently, to remove the
oily exudations on its surface. Any unpleasant sensations that may be caused by the use of soap can be
removed by rinsing the surface with water, to which
has been added a little lemon juice or vinegar.
FRECKLES.
Freckles are of two kinds: those occasioned by exposure to the sun, and those which are constitutional
and permanent. With care, the skin may be kept




238


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


free from the disfigurement of the former.  Persons
whose skins are very delicate should avoid exposure to
the sun. The iron in the blood forms a junction with
the oxygen, and leaves a rusty mark where the junction
takes place. These marks are called freckles. They
may be removed by using as a wash, night and morning, a mixture of finely-grated horse-radish and
butter-milk, which have remained together over night
and then been steamed; or the juice of half a lemon with
a half tumbler of water applied in the same manner.
The following is also an excellent recipe for removing both freckles and tan.  Elder flower ointment,
one ounce;. sulphate of zinc, twenty grains; mix well
and rub into the affected portion of the skin at night.
In the morning wash it off with warm water and
plenty of soap, and when the grease is completely
removed apply the following lotion: Infusion of rose
petal, one-half pint; citric acid, thirty grains.
LAUGHTER AS A BEA UTIFIER.
The remotest corner of the body and the little inlets
of the minute blood-vessels feel some wavelet from the
convulsions occasioned by good and hearty laughter.
The life principle, or the central man, is shaken to its
innermost depths, sending new tides of life and
strength to the surface, thus materially tending to
insure good health to those who indulge in laughter.
The blood moves more rapidly and conveys a different
impression to all the organs of the body, as it visits
them on that particular mystic journey, when the man
or woman is laughing, from what it does at other
times.  For this reason every good, hearty laugh in
which a person indulges tends to lengthen life, con



THE TOILET.


239


veying, as it does, a new and distinct stimulus to the
vital forces.
Nor must it be forgotton that to laugh with propriety is an art not easily learned.  Good manners
demand a certain restraint in all things, and it is
as unbecoming and ill-mannered to give way to a
boisterous laugh as it is to simper and smile with
affectation.  The countryman with his guffaw is as
much out of place in a drawing-room as is a bull in a
china shop; and those who think levity is frivolous are
equally to be reprobated.
MOLES.
Moles may be removed by moistening a stick of
nitrate of silver, and touching them: they turn black,
become sore, dry up, and fall off. If they do not go
by first application, repeat. They are generally a
great disfigurement to the face and should be removed,
but it is better and safer to consult a surgeon before
taking any steps to remove them.
OTHER DISFIGUREMENTS.
Other disfigurements and discolorations of the face
and skin frequently proceed from improper care of the
person, unwholesome diet, irregular habits, and a general derangement of the system. Good habits are
necessary for the enjoyment of perfect health, and
beauty of complexion is impossible without good
health. Always seek the cause before applying a
remedy, for you might aggravate rather than cure
the evil.
PERFUMES.
The propriety of the use of perfumes is much questioned by good authority, as that perfume which may




240


AME1WCAN ETIQtyETTIEX


be agreeable to one is perhaps offensive to another.
If used at all, however, they must be of the finest
quality, and used with great moderation. Perfumes
that are generally unpleasant, such as musk and
patchouli, must be avoided, as their odor, to most
people, is very disagreeable. The best qualities of
cologne water are seldom objectionable.
THE TEETH.
A face without well preserved, regular and pearly
teeth can not be said to be beautiful. Bad and neglected teeth injure health. We must, to insure perfect health and beauty, take great care of our teeth.
The teeth should be carefully brushed with a soft
brush on retiring at night and after each meal. Soft
water is preferable to hard water. Be particular and
use the brush on the inside as well as the outside of
the teeth. Always thoroughly clean your brush after
using by plunging it into a glass of clean water several
times, and dry with a towel.
Good authorities claim that the use of tooth washes
or powders is injurious. If used at all, great care
should be exercised concerning the frequency and
quantity. When water will not clean the teeth, a
moderately stiff brush and a good quality of Castile
soap should be employed. The soap is harmless, and
is the best cleanser for the teeth known. It may be
used once a day, and will keep the teeth white and
clean, unless they are disfigured and destroyed by
bad habits, such as the use of tobacco or hot or cold
drinks.
DECA YED TEETH.
Visit the dentist once every six months and have a
careful examination of the teeth made; if any appear



TIE TOILET.


241


ance of decay is discovered, have the decayed part
removed and the cavity properly filled. Do not neglect the teeth if you wish to keep them sound. If
decay is arrested at the first stage the tooth can be
preserved, but if neglected it will be eventually
destroyed.
TARTAR ON THE TEETH.
Tartar results from an impaired condition of the
stomach's fluids and the general health. It collects
on the teeth and gums, is of a yellowish tint, and is
not easily removed. It should have immediate attention. If you can not keep it down by a frequent use
of the brush, go at once to a dentist and have it
removed. If allowed to accumulate and form a firm,
solid mass, the teeth will begin to decay, and the
breath will be tainted. Washing the teeth with
vinegar is said to assist in removing tartar in its early
stages.
The use of salt and water is highly recommended
for removing and curing tenderness of the gums; also
frequent rinsing of the mouth with water containing
a few drops of tincture of myrrh.
FO UL BREATH.
Foul breath is often caused by neglected and decayed
teeth. If arising from the teeth, mouth or local cause,
a gargle, made b; dissolving a spoonful of chloride of
lime in a half tumbler of water, will remove the
offense. Frequent use of common parsley will remove
the taint of smoking. Particles of food which lodge
between the teeth can not always be removed with the
brush, and if let remain will be decayed by the hot
atmosphere of the mouth and cause offensive breath.
16




242


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


A toothpick is necessary to remove such particles. A
goose-quill is the safest and best. Those made of metal
should be avoided. A harsh tooth-brush will irritate
the gums, and should not be used. A concentrated
solution of chloride of soda, say five or ten drops, in
a wine-glass of water, is an excellent wash for the
mouth, to remove bad breath. The taint of onions
may be removed with parsley leaves with vinegar, or
burnt coffee.
SLEEP.
Sleep, sound, refreshing sleep, is of the utmost consequence to the health of the body, and no substitute
can be found for it as a restorer of vital energy. Sleeplessness is, however, often a source of great trouble to
elderly people, and one which is not easily relieved.
Narcotic remedies are generally mischievous; their
first effects may be pleasant, but the habit of depending upon them grows until they become indispensable.
When this stage has been reached the sufferer is in a
far worse plight than before. In all cases the endeavor
should be made to discover whether the sleeplessness
be due to any removable cause, such as indigestion,
cold, want of exercise, and the like.
Some old people pride themselves on never requiring a fire in their bedrooms. It is, however, a risky
practice to exchange a temperature of sixty-five or
seventy degrees for one fifteen or twenty degrees lower.
As a general rule, for people sixty-five years of age,
or upward, the temperature of the bedroom should
not be below sixty degrees, and when there are any
symptoms of bronchitis it should be raised from five
to ten degrees higher.




THE TOILET.


243


In regard to sleeping in the day-time, a nap of forty
winks in the afternoon enables many aged people to
get through the rest of the day in comfort, whereas they
feel tired and weak when deprived of this refreshment.
If such people rest well at night there can be no objection to the afternoon nap; but, if sleeplessness be complained of, the latter should be discontinued for a time.
Most old people find that, for the nap, a reclining posture, with the feet and legs raised, is better than the
horizontal position.
THE FEET.
The feet should be more carefully attended to than
any other part of the body. Experience has taught
every person that colds, and many other diseases
which proceed from colds, are attributed to cold and
improperly cared for feet. The feet are so far from
the centre of the system of circulation that the flow of
the blood may be easily checked, and this could result
in nothing but evil. Yet there is no part of the
human body so much neglected and trifled with as the
feet. Persons should not cramp their toes and feet
into thin, narrow, bone-pinching, high-heeled boots
and shoes, in order to display neat feet in the fashionable sense of the term. Changing warm for cold shoes
or boots can not be too carefully guarded against.
Avoid wearing air-tight boots or shoes. India-rubber
shoes should not be worn. except when absolutely
necessary, and then only for a short time. Wash the
feet every day. A tepid bath at about eighty or
ninety degrees should be used. The feet may remain
in the water five minutes, and when taken out, they
should be immediately dried with a coarse towel.
Do not pare the nails until after the bath, as the water
softens them and they will not break so easily. Good




244


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


warm stockings and thick-soled boots and shoes, are
conservators of health, and consequently of happiness.
TREATMENT OF FETID PERSPIRATION OF THE FEET
Many persons are annoyed with their feet perspiring
very freely. This generally occurs in hot weather in
the summer, though it often occurs in cold weather.
This complaint should receive the greatest care and
attention to insure cleanliness. The feet should be
bathed regularly every night and morning in warm
water and soap, which is usually sufficient. If this
fails, a strong solution of carbonate of soda should
be used.
TO PROTECT THE FEET IN WALKING.
Persons who have a great deal of walking to do
should always have easy, well-fitting shoes or boots
and woolen stockings. If the feet should get sore,
take equal parts of gum camphor, olive oil and pure
beeswax, and mix them together; warm them until
they are united and become a salve. At night wash
the feet well, dry them, then apply the salve, and put
on clean stockings and sleep with them on. Next day
the feet will be in excellent trim for walking.
Blisters may be prevented by turning the stockings
wrong side out and rubbing them thoroughly with
common brown soap before starting on a long walk.
If blisters occur, pass a darning-needle threaded with
worsted through the blister lengthwise, and leave an
inch of the thread outside at each end. Let the
thread remain until the new skin forms beneath the
old. Do not treat blisters in any other way, for a
troublesome sore may be the result.




THE TOILET.


245


TREATMENT FOR CHILBLAINS AND FROSTED FEET.
Chilblains may be avoided by keeping the feet dry,
wearing lamb's wool socks, and never heating the feet
too rapidly When they are cold. The following are
highly recommended for chilblains and frosted feet:
Apply common tar to the parts affected, and bind
up with cloth, so as not to interfere with wearing the
stocking. Wear this four days or a week.' Or, dissolve one ounce of white vitriol in a pint of water, and
bathe the parts affected very often.
An excellent chilblain ointment is made of two
quarts of lard, one pint of turpentine, one-fourth of a
pound of camphor, or less in the same proportions.
Mix well.
The following is said to be a sure cure for broken
chilblains: The yolk of an egg well beaten up, and a
teaspoonful of honey; keep stirring them together,
sprinkling on flour from the flour dredge whilst you
are stirring, to make it of a thickish consistency.
Spread this on the wound.
THE TOE NAILS.
The toe nails are more irregular in their growth and
do not grow as rapidly as the finger nails, owing to
their confined position.  They should be trimmed
once every two weeks. Pare them squarer than those
of the fingers. Keep them long enough to protect the
toe, but not so long as to wear holes in the stocking.
When the flesh grows over the nails, the proper
course to pursue is, to cut a notch in the centre of the
nail, or to scrape it thin in the middle. The nail will
grow more rapidly where the notch has been cut, and




246


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


the extremities, which are imbedded in the flesh, will
soon recover their former position. Do not fail to persevere in it, and you will surely find relief. Cut or
scrape as deep as you can bear, and repeat the process
every few days if necessary. Then avoid afterward
cutting the corners of the nails too short. The tendency of the nail is to grow most toward the place
where it is cut most.
TREATMENT FOR CORNS.
Many persons wear ill-fitted shoes and boots, and at
the same time suffer pain from cramped toes and
bruised corns. The best precaution for corns is to
wear the right kind of boots and shoes always. Persons who wear loose, easy fitting shoes and boots are
seldom troubled with corns. The most effective cure
is to be found in the application of a circular disk of
felted wool or of cotton with a hole in the middle to
receive the corn. This may be obtained at drug stores.
This relieves the corn by removing from it the pressure
of the shoe; in time, the corn will entirely disappear.
THE HAND.
A perfect hand with tapering fingers, and pink, filbert-shaped nails, is a mark of beauty. The hand is
in proper proportion to the rest of the body when it is
as long as from the point of the chin to the edge of the
hair on the forehead.
Every person should be particular with, and give
their hands much attention. They should be kept
perfectly clean. Wash them frequently in soap and
water, and scrub with a soft nail-brush. More care and
attention is required in cold weather, for they are




THE TOILET.


247


likely to roughen and crack. Wash the hands in lukewarm water and dip them in cold water, and very
carefully dry them with a soft towel. They should be
thoroughly dried and rubbed briskly for some time
afterward. Frequent rubbing promotes circulation,
which is the secret of a healthy skin and beautiful
complexion. Washing in milk and water makes the
skin white and delicate; or at night anoint in palm oil
and put on woolen gloves. Wash them next morning
with hot water and soap, and wear a pair of soft
leather gloves during the day. Sunburn may be removed by washing the hands in lime water or lemon
juice.
CHAPPED HANDS.
Cold weather and improper care are usually the
cause of chapped hands. Numerous remedies are
recommended for chapped hands. Sweet cream is a
good remedy, and a weak solution of chlorate of
potash is said to be excellent. A thorough washing
of the hands in snow and soap will cure the worst
case of chapped hands, and leave them beautiful and
soft.
WARTS.
Warts are very unsightly. They are more common
with young people than with adults. In most cases
they can be removed, but some are very difficult to
get rid of. A harmless cure for warts may be had by
simply taking two or three cents worth of sal ammoniac, dissolve it in a gill of soft water, and wet the
warts frequently with this solution, when they will
disappear in the course of a week or two. Warts may
be removed by touching with the end of a stick of




248


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


lunar caustic, which may be obtained, with directions
for use, from any druggist, or an application of acetic
acid once a day, will remove them. Cover the skin
surrounding the wart with wax, to avoid injury from
the acid.
THE INFL UENCE OF COLOR.
The influence of color upon the general tone of the
toilet is very striking. Blondes should avoid the
lighter shades of blue, which are apt to give an ashy
hue to the complexion. The darker shades of blue
may be worn more recklessly by the blonde than the
lighter shades, because throwing out the complexion
in high relief upon an accommodating background,
and the darker and more velvety the shade the finer
the effect. Brunettes can not wear blue becomingly,
since this shade when shadowed by a yellow skin
enters into a composition of green, and the tawniness
of the complexion is increased. The florid brunette
can better risk the wearing of blue. Green is a dangerous color for brunettes, but well adapted to the fair.
A pale brunette can wear red effectively; it heightens
the effect, and adds an oriental richness which is very
becoming.
Good authorities, however, say that the brunette
can not wear crimson to advantage, but that the
blonde may indulge in it with safety.
Yellow is highly becoming to the pale brunette, and
especially under the effect of gaslight. Yellow becomes pale and softer in all artificial lights, and enters
into the olive shade of skin, giving it a rich, creamy
tint that sets off lustrous eyes and dark hair to
advantage.




THE TOILET.


249


Nature always blends her colors becomingly. Violent contrasts are at all times to be studiously avoided.
It is better to study simplicity than to attempt effect
in colors. Beauty is heightened by simplicity rather
than by meretricious decoration.
THE NAILS AND MOIST HANDS.
The nails must be kept scrupulously clean. Neglected and unclean nails are very repulsive, and show
carelessness and inattention to the minor details of the
toilet. Cut the nails neatly about once a week, always
just after washing, as they are soft then, and round
them nicely at the corners. Filbert-shaped nails are
considered the most beautiful. Do not cut them too
short, and never bite them. To bite them is to disfigure them and make them difficult to clean. If the
skin adheres and grows up on the nail, it should be
pressed back with the towel after washing; or it may
be loosened around the edge with a blunt instrument.
Scraping the nails should be avoided, for instead of
polishing it only makes them wrinkled.
A small hand is not necessarily the most beautiful.
The more exquisite the proportions the greater the
degree of beauty. The hand that remains small and
delicate because it has never done anything useful, is
the homeliest of hands. The hand can perform its
share of labor, and yet, with proper care, may be retained beautiful, soft and shapely. The hands should
be well protected with gloves when performing any
out-door work; always for garden work. Wash them
carefully and dry them thoroughly after such labor.
Should they become roughened by soap, rinse them in
vinegar or lemon juice. Plenty of out-door exercise,




250


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


more baths, nutritious food, and few stimulants, is a
good remedy for moist hands. Starch powder and
lemon juice are recommended. Bean flour is said to
be excellent.
THE EYES.
Beautiful eyes are always admired. Nothing lends
so much to the beauty of the eyes as an honest, intelligent, benevolent expression of the face. The eyes
are the index of the soul, and many traits of character
may be read in them; therefore, it should be remembered, that to have pleasing eyes, pleasing traits of
character should be cultivated, and a clear conscience
preserved. Their beauty is independent of all arts of
the toilet. Nothing is more foolish and vulgar than
painting or coloring the lids or lashes. The eyes are
very delicate and should never be tampered with.
They are easily destroyed.
SHORT-SIGHTEDNESS.
This defect of the eyes is often acquired through
habit or carelessness in youth, and if proper care and
attention is given children by parents and teachers, it
can generally be avoided. Books or papers should not
be held too close to the eyes, for it invariably injures
the sight. The near-sighted should wear glasses exactly fitting the vision. They should not be worn
constantly though, as they tend to shorten the vision.
Trust to the unaided eye as much as possible, and
wear glasses only when it is absolutely necessary.
SQUINT'EYES AND CROSS-EYES.
Squint- and cross-eyes result many times from carelessress and habit. Children should not be allowed




THE TOILET.


251


to wear their hair hanging down over the eyes, or anything that will direct the sight irregularly. Projecting bonnets, ribbons and other ornaments coming
within the possible reach of the sight should not be
worn, as they generally injure the sight, and sometimes cause the eyes to become crossed. A cross-eye
will disfigure the most beautiful face, and should be
remedied by a surgical operation.
X ULES TO BE OBSERVED IN THE USE OF
THE EYES.
Persons will profit by observing the following rules:
Avoid all sudden changes between light and darkness.
Never begin to read, write or sew for several minutes after coming from darkness to bright light.
Never read by twilight, or moonlight, or on a very
cloudy day.
Never read while riding in the cars, or any vehicle.
Never read by an imperfect or unsteady light.
Never read or sew directly in front of the light, or
window or door.
Never wear glasses when not needed.
Never sleep so that on the first awakening the eyes
shall open on the light of a window.
Do not use the eyesight by light so scant that it
requires an effort to discriminate.
The moment you are instinctively prompted to rub
your eyes, that moment cease using them.
If the eyelids are glued together on waking up, do
not forcibly open them, but apply the saliva (the
speediest diluent in the world) with the finger, then
wash your eyes and face in warm water.




AURRICAI ~ VT1Q1LTETT:'~f h'~


Save your eyesBy sitting in such a position as will allow the
light to fall obliquely over the shoulder while reading
or sewing.
By not using the eyes for reading, sewing, etc., by
artificial light, especially gaslight.
By avoiding the special use of the eyes in the morning before breakfast.
By resting them for half a minute or so while read
ing or sewing, or looking at things at a distance or up
to the sky.
Keep the feet warm, and never cool the head suddenly, under penalty of inflammation of the eyes,
Bathe the eyes at night rather than morning. The
moment you are conscious of an effort to read or aew,
lay aside the book or needle, and employ yourself for
an hour in some active exercise not requiring the close
use of the eyes.
INFLAMED EYES.
Many remedies for inflamed eyes are highly recommended; we present the simplest and the best. In all
cases great care should be taken in regard to ihe diet,
which should be light and unstimulating.  Perfect
quiet is necessary. Bathe the eyes in pure soft water,
warm or cold, as may be most agreeable. At night
apply cold cream to the edges of the closed eyelids,
and wash them in the morning with lukewarm water.
If the lids are scaly, do not seek to remove the scales
roughly, for they bring the lashes with them.
If some stronger application is desired, there is
nothing better than a little alum boiled in a teacupful of milk, and the curd used as a poultice, or a
poultice of raw potato scraped fine.  An eye water




TPRE TOtLET.


which has become very famous as one of the best,
is made as follows: Take of sulphate of zinc ten
grains, sugar of lead twenty grains, rose water one
quart. Dissolve each separately, then mix and filter
through blotting paper, and it is ready for use.
Wash the eyes with this two or three times a day.
It is well to keep this remedy on the toilet table
constantly. Inflamed lids may be reduced by tying
a small piece of ice in the corner of a thin handkerchief, and passing it back and forth over the
closed eye, resting at intervals, when the cold is too
intense. This has been found very efficacious.
STY ON THE BYELID.
To remove a sty, put a teaspoonful of tea in a
small bag; pour on just enough boiling water to
moisten it; then put it on the eye pretty warm.
Keep it on all night, and in the morning the sty
will most likely be gone; if not, a second application is sure to remove it.
EYEBROWS AND LASHES.
By giving the eyebrows the same care which is
given to the hair, they may be made more beautiful.
If the eyebrows unite, let them alone.  If you
remove the uniting hairs, a scar will be produced
which will disfigure more than the meeting eyebrows.
The eyebrows may be brushed in the direction they
ought to grow, and their beauty increased.
The eyelashes may be lengthened by trimming
carefully and evenly occasionally in childhood, but,
as they do not grow out again after a certain age, care
should be taken not to ruin them.




I&MERICAIt ETIQUETTE.


The eyebrows and lashes should not be dyed,
except in cases where they are not of the same color
as the hair. In all other instances the practice is
exceedingly vulgar, and confusion and want of harmony are generally produced. Nature is not easily
improved upon.
Very few people are blessed with absolutely perfect
eyesight, and many who are unaware of the defect fail
to call in the use of eye-glasses and spectacles until
late in life, when the sight is irretrievably damaged.
Much of the headache and lassitude that come from
reading is due in many instances to defective vision,
and for this the only remedy is consultation with a
reliable oculist. The average vender of eye-glasses
and spectacles is entirely ignorant of the construction
of the human eye. A perfect pair of eyes comes from
a pair of spectacles containing lenses perfectly adjusted,
so as to supply the deficiencies in the vision.
Of all the senses the eye is the most precious, and
probably it is more used than all the others combined.
The average man begins to find his sight fail him
about the age of forty-five. The best glasses are made
from Scotch pebbles, which do not refract the light,
and consequently are found to be less tiresome to those
who wear them than those made from any other substance yet discovered.
TO GIVE BRILLIANCY TO THE EYES.
Persons who wish to increase the brilliancy of their
eyes should shut them early at night, and open them
early in the morning; let their minds be constantly
intent on the acquisition of human knowledge, or on




THE TOILET.


255


the exercise of benevolent feelings. This will scarcely
ever fail to impart to the eyes an intelligent and amiable expression, which, of course, increases the beauty,
not only of the eyes, but the face.
THE HAIR.
"The glory of a woman is her long hair," the pride
of a man a handsome, well-kept beard. The value
and the beauty of hair or beard rise very greatly in
proportion as one is deficient in these appendages of
the human countenance. The care, the dressing and
the preservation of them, therefore, are matters of no
inconsiderable importance to every well-bred person.
The peasant girls of Normandy are said to possess the
most beautiful hair to be found among the women
of any nation. It is sad, and yet it illustrates how
eagerly their less fortunate sisters seek the beauty
given to the female face by beautiful hair, when we
think that once every year these maidens go to the
hair merchants of Paris, who visit their country, as
sheep to the shearers, and for a few francs permit
themselves to be divested of an aureole of glory that
would be an untold prize could it but be transferred
to the crown of a more wealthy but less fortunate
devotee of fashion.
It is not necessary for us to call attention to all the
nostrums and dyes which are prepared and used for
retaining and preserving the hair. Many valuable and
useful suggestions to all well-bred persons and those
who prize this God-given ornament will be found
among "Toilet Recipes."




I




CHAPTER XXV.


"91ka~


DRESS.
A l       XQUISITE taste and good common sense are the essential elements of dress. Elegant dressing
is not found in expense; money
iwithout judgment may load, but
never can adorn.  A lady
may be covered with jewels,
and yet not show the
w       slighte a n st
-good taste.
One has
rightly said  "The result of the finest toilet should be
an elegant woman, not an elegantly dressed woman."
CONSISTENC Y IN DRESS.
The only just principles of dressing are, simplicity,
adaptation to your figure, your rank and your cir
cumstances.
Consistency in regard to station and fortune is the
first matter to be considered. A woman of good sense
will not wish to expend in unnecessary extravagances,
money wrung from an anxious, laborious husband; or
if her husband be a man of fortune, she will not, even
then, encroach upon her allowance. In the early years!7.          (257)




258


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


of married life, when the income is moderate, it should
be the pride of a woman to see how little she can spend
upon her dress, and yet present that tasteful and
creditable appearance which is desirable. Much depends upon management, and upon the care taken of
garments. She should turn everything to account, and
be careful of her clothing when wearing it.
EXTRAVAGANCE IN DRESS.
Dress, to be in perfect taste, need not be costly. It
is unfortunate that in the United States, too much
attention is paid to dress by those who have neither the
excuse of ample means, nor of social culture. The
wife' of a poorly paid clerk, or of a young man just
starting in business, aims at dressing as stylishly as
does the wealthiest among her acquaintances. The
sewing girl, the shop girl, the chambermaid, and even
the cook, must have their elegantly trimmed silk
dresses and velvet cloaks for Sunday and holiday
wear, and the injury done by this state of things to the
morals and manners of the poorer classes is incalculable.
INDIFFERENCE TO DRESS.
Indifference to dress is a sign of indolence and slovenliness. Even if a lady's dress is of cheap material
it must be neat. Poverty is no excuse for uncleanliness.
It is the duty of every lady to dress as well and as
becomingly as her means will allow.
APPROPRIATE DRESS.
The style of a lady's dress must assume a character
corresponding with the wearer. Small ladies may




DRESS.


259


wear delicate colors, while large and robust persons
appear best in dark shades. A lady's complexion
determines the colors that are most becoming for her.
Dark rich shades harmonize with brunette complexion
and dark hair, and persons of fair complexion and
light hair look best in the delicate tints.
GLO VES.
Ladies and gentlemen wear gloves on the street, at
evening parties, to the opera, or theatre, at receptions,
at balls, at church, when making a call, riding or
driving; but not at a dinner.
White gloves should be worn at balls; delicate tints
for evening parties, and any shade at church.
E VENING DRESS FOR GENTLEMEN.
For evening a gentleman should wear a black dress
suit, with white cravat, and kid gloves of white or pale
hue. His shirt front should be spotless. He should
give especial attention to his hair, and see to it that
it is a becoming length and neither too long nor too
short. Dress for a large dinner party, opera or ball
may be the same. Morning dress is worn for church,
and on Sunday no gentleman should appear in evening dress, either at church, at home or abroad.
MORNING DRESS FOR GENTLEM'EN.
The morning dress for gentlemen is a black frock
coat, or a black cut-away, white or black vest, gray
or colored pants, a high silk (stove-pipe) hat, and a
black necktie. A black frock coat with black pants
is not considered a good combination, nor is a dress
coat and colored or light pants, The morning dress






11I


/


I




(260i)




DRESS.


261


is suitable for garden calls and receptions. It is not
good taste for a gentleman to wear a dress coat, and
white tie in day time.
JEWELRY FOR GENTLEM'EN.
No well-bred gentleman will load himself with jewelry. He may wear one ring, a watch chain, studs
and cuff buttons.
EVENING DRESS FOR LADIES.
A lady's evening dress may be as rich, elegant and
attractive as she wishes to have it. Full evening dress
should be worn to parties and balls, and it may be
worn to large dinners. A dress should not be cut so
low in the neck as to cause remarks.
Fashions are too changeable to give directions as to
how a party dress should be made.
BALL DRESS.
A fanciful and airy dress is most suitable for the
ball-room. Rich and heavily trimmed silks are for
those who do not dance. The brightest and most
delicately tinted silks, expensive laces, an elaborate
display of diamonds and flowers for the hair all belong
to the costume for a ball.
TIlE FULL DINN7ER DRESS.
A lady's dinner dress for winter may be of heavy
silk or elegant velvet, and for summer, light, rich
goods. Everything about her costume should be as
complete and faultless as possible.  The fan and
gloves should be fresh. Diamonds are used as extravagantly as you wish. The flowers worn should be




262


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


of the choicest variety. Black, dark blue, purple,
dark green, garnet and light tints may be worn at
dinner parties.
DRESS OF A HOSTESS AT A DINNER PARTY.
The dress of a hostess at a dinner party should be
rich, but not more elegant than her guests. A rich
silk dress, with lace at the neck and wrists, with plain
jewelry by daylight, but diamonds by gaslight, must
be worn by a young hostess.
SHOWY DRESS.
Black predominates over all colors. The showy
costumes once worn have given way to more sober
colors.
DRESS FOR RECEIVING CALLS.
If a lady has set apart a special day for receiving
calls, she should have a silk dress for the occasion.
The quality may depend on her position. Laces and
jewelry may be worn with this dress. A lady who
attends to her morning domestic affairs, may receive
calls in her morning dress, which must be neat, with
white collar and cuffs. Upon receiving New Years
calls, a lady should be dressed as elegantly as she
can afford. If she darkens her parlors and lights the
gas, she should be dressed in full evening dress.
CARRIAGE DRESS.
A dress for a drive through the streets of a city,
along fashionable drives, or in parks, can not be too
elegant. It may or may not have a trail. For a
country drive the material should be of a dark color,
as it is not so likely to be soiled.




DRESS.


265


VISITING COSTUMES.
Costumes for visiting, funeral occasions, and informal calls should be of richer material than walking suits. The bonnet may be rich or simple. For
winter, the jacket, mantle, and shawl or cloak worn
should be rich. Whatever is worn in summer should
be comfortable and pleasant to look at.
DRESS FOR MORNING CALLS.
For morning calls one may wear a walking suit if
they are walking, if not, a carriage dress should be
worn. A silk dress should be worn with laces, light
gloves and jewelry. Diamonds are more preferable
for evening than daylight. A dark dress is most
appropriate for morning calls.
MORNING DRESS FOR STREET.
A morning dress for the street should be neat and
plain. It should be walking length. Gloves to suit
the weather should be worn. Neat linen collars and
cuffs are most suitable. The hat or bonnet should
match the dress. For rainy weather a large waterproof with hood is more convenient than an um'brella.
A morning dress for a visit or breakfast in public
may be of plain woolen goods, if it is winter. If
it is summer, it may be white or figured wash goods.
The hair should be neatly combed without ornaments.
THE PROMENADE DRESS.
The dress for the promenade should be in perfect
harmony with itself. All the colors worn should har



264


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


monize, if they are not strictly identical. The bonnet
should not be of one color and parasol of another,
the dress of a third, and the gloves of a fourth.
Nor should one article be new and another shabby.
The collar and cuffs should be of lace, the kid gloves
should be selected to harmonize with the color of the
dress, a perfect fit.  The jewelry worn should be
bracelets, cuff buttons, plain gold ear-rings, a watch,
chain, and brooch.
SOME HINTS ON DRESS.
Dress should, above all things, be appropriate and
becoming.
Dress should always be made subordinate to the
wearer; that is, the clothes should not attract more
attention than the person they clothe.
Care should be taken to select only such materials
and styles of dress as are suited to the figure, height,
and complexion. To reproduce what looks well on
others is frequently disastrous.
The colors worn on the street should be in keeping
with the season.
A stout person should wear dark colors, and the
thin, light.
Neatness and simple elegance are the signs of a welldressed woman. The French have a genius for dress,
due in a great measure to their artistic temperaments,
and their infallible judgment of the fitness of things.
In that country, an old or middle-aged woman understands how to subdue the inroads of advancing years
without suggesting the loss of youth by too great an
effort.
In Paris the stage sets the. fashions, and it is at the




DRESS.


265


leading theatres that the latest creations of Worth or
Pingat are first seen.
In the days of the French emigration the ladies
escaped from Honfleur with the full-skirted overcoats
of their husbands about them, and these gave rise to
a distinct style of dress.
A stout woman should never wear a loose sleeve,
nor one coming only to the elbow. Neither the very
stout nor very thin should appear in low-necked dresses.
OPERA DRESS.
Opera dress for matinees may be as elegant as for
morning calls. A bonnet is always worn unless she
dresses in evening costume, then she may wear ornaments in the hair and leave off the bonnet. Since the
effect of light colors is more brilliant in the opera
house, they should be worn.
THE RIDING DRESS.
A lady's riding habit should fit perfectly. The
skirt must be full, and long enough to cover her feet.
She should wear stout shoes and gloves with gauntlets. The material for the riding dress may be of
broadcloth or waterproof. Lighter goods may be used
for summer, and a row of shot should be stitched at
the bottom of the breadths of the left side to prevent
the skirt from being blown by the wind. The riding
dress should button nearly to the throat, and a linen
collar with a bright necktie should be worn. Coat
sleeves should come to the wrist with linen cuffs beneath them. No lace or embroidery should be worn
when riding. The waist must be attached to a skirt
of usual length, and the long riding skirt fastened
over it, so that if an accident occurs obliging her to




266


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


dismount, she can remove the long skirt and still be
properly dressed. The hair should be tucked up very
compactly, and no veil must be allowed to stream
in the wind. Fashion will determine the shape of
the hat, and the trimming should be fastened very
securely.
A WALKING SUIT.
A walking suit may be rich or plain. It should be
neatly made and not shabby. Flashy colors may
be used for trimmings. Black is the most becoming
for a street dress. The walking dress must be short
enough to clear the ground.
DRESS FOR LADIES OF BUSINESS.
Ladies who are employed as sales-women, teachers,
or those occupied in literature, art or business of any
kind should wear a dress different from the usual
walking suit. The material should be serviceable and
of a sober color.  It should be plainly trimmed.
Plain collar and cuffs should be worn; gloves that can
be easily removed. Jewelry may be worn in a small
quantity. The hat should be neat. Waterproof
makes a good serviceable cloak for winter wear.
ORDINARY EVENING DRESS.
Silk is the most becoming for an evening dress.
Woolen dresses may be worn in winter; and lawns or
white dresses elegantly made, in summer. Much jewelry may be worn if desired. For winter the colors
should be rich, and knots of bright ribbon should be
worn at the throat and in the hair. Diamonds and
artificial flowers are not in good taste. One may




DRESS.


make a casual call in an ordinary evening dress. A
dress bonnet or hood may be worn. If the latter is
worn it must be removed during the call.
DRESS FOR SOCIAL PARTY.
Choose your colors, material and trimmings to suit
your taste. The neck and arms must be covered.
Light gloves may or may not be worn.
DRESS FOR CHURCH.
A church dress should be the plainest promenade
costume; of dark color and no superfluous jewelry.
DRESS FOR THE THEATRE.
A rich promenade dress with a handsome cloak or
shawl is suitable for the theatre. A bonnet or hat
may be worn. Gloves should harmonize with the
dress.
DRESS FOR LECTURE AND CONCERT.
A silk dress with laces and jewelry is a suitable
costume for a lecture or concert. A rich shawl or an
opera cloak is an appropriate outer garment. Light
kid gloves should be worn.
CROQUET, ARCHERY AND SKATING COSTUMES.
Croquet and archery costumes may be similar, and
they admit of more brilliancy in coloring than any of
the out-of-door costumes. They should be short, displaying a handsomely fitting but stout boot, and should
be so arranged as to leave the arms perfectly free.
The gloves should be soft and washable. Kid is not
suitable for either occasion. The hat should have a
broad brim, so as to shield the face from the sun, and




Elm




DRESS.


269


render a parasol unnecessary.  The trimming for
archery costumes is usually of green.
An elegant skating costume may be made of velvet,
trimmed with fur, with fur bordered gloves and boots.
Any of the warm, bright colored wool fabrics, however, are suitable for the dress. If blue or green are
worn, they should be relieved with trimmings of dark
furs. Silk is not suitable for skating costume. To
avoid suffering from cold feet, the boot should be
amply loose.
BATHING COSTUME.
The best material for a bathing costume is flannel,
and the most suitable color is gray, and may be
trimmed with bright worsted braid. The loose sacque,
or the yoke waist, both to be belted in, and falling
about midway between the knee and ankle, is the
best form for a bathing costume. An oil-skin cap to
protect the hair from the water, and merino socks to
match the dress, complete the costume.
TRA VELING DRESS.
Comfort and protection from dust and dirt are the
requirements of a traveling dress. For an extensive
journey a traveling suit is a great convenience, but for
a short trip an ordinary dress may be worn with a
duster or a waterproof cloak, as the season demands.
A variety of materials may be used for a traveling
dress. Soft neutral tints, and smooth surface, which
does not retain the dust, may be used. The dress
should be made plain and quite short. The underskirts should be colored, woolen in winter and linen
in summer.   The bat or bonnet must be plainly
trimmed and protected by a thick veil. Collar and




AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


cuffs should be worn. The hair should be put up in
the plainest manner. A waterproof and warm woolen
shawl are necessary, and may be carried in a shawlstrap when not needed. A satchel should be carried,
in which may be kept a change of collars, cuffs,
gloves, handkerchiefs, toilet articles and towels. A
traveling dress should be well supplied with pockets.
The waterproof should have large pockets, and there
should be one in the underskirt, in which to carry
such money and valuables as are not needed for immediate use.
THE WEDDING DRESS.
A full bridal costume should be white from head to
foot. The dress may be of silk, heavily corded satin,
or plain silk, merino, alpaca, crape, lawn or muslin.
The veil may be of lace, tulle or illusion, but it must
be long and full. It may or may not cover the face.
Orange blossoms or other white flowers and maiden
blush roses should form the bridal wreaths and bouquets.  The dress is high, and the arms covered.
Slippers of white satin and white kid gloves complete
the dress.
DRESS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
The bridesmaids should not be so elaborately
dressed as the bride. Their dresses must be of white,
but they may wear delicately colored flowers and ribbons. They may not wear veils, but if they do, they
must be shorter than that of the bride.
TRAVELING DRESS OF A BRIDE.
Silk or any of the fine fabrics for walking dresses
are suitable for a bride's traveling dress. The shade
may depend upon the latest style. Bonnet and gloves




DRESS.


271


should match the dress in color. It may, if she
wishes, be more elaborately trimmed than an ordinary
traveling dress. It is very customary now for the
bride to be married in a traveling costume, and the
bridal pair at once set out upon their journey.
DRESS AT WEDDING RECEPTIONS.
Full evening dress should be worn by the guests at
evening receptions. No one should attend in black or
mourning dress, which should give place to grey or
lavender.  At a morning reception of the wedded
couple, guests should wear the richest street costume
with white gloves.
MO URNING.
In the United States no prescribed periods for wearing mourning garments have been fixed upon. When
the grief is profound no rules are needed. But where
persons wear mourning for style and not for feeling,
there is need of fixed rules. For deep mourning one
should wear the heaviest black of serge, bombazine,
lustreless alpaca, delaine, merino or similar heavily
clinging material, with crape collar and cuffs. Mourning dresses should not be trimmed. No ruffles, bows,
or flounces are admissible. The bonnet is of black
crape; a hat should never be worn. The veil is of
crape or barege with heavy border; black gloves are
worn and black bordered handkerchiefs should be
used. Black furs may be worn in winter. Jewelry
is forbidden; jet pins and buckles should be used.
Black silk and alpaca trimmed with crape may be
worn for second mourning with white collars and cuffs.
The crape veil is laid aside for net or tulle, but the jet
jewelry is still retained. A less degree of mourning




272


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


is worn of black and white, purple and gray, or a
combination of these colors.  Crape is retained in
bonnet trimming and crape flowers may be added.
Light gray, white and black, and light shades of lilac
indicate a slight mourning. A black lace bonnet, with
white or violet flowers, supersedes crape, and jet or
gold jewelry is worn.


PEODS O  A    M-.
PERIODS OF WEARING MOURNING.


The deepest mourning is that worn by a widow for
her husband. It is worn two years, sometimes longer.
Widow's mourning for the first year consists of solid
black woolen goods, collar and cuffs of folded untrimmed crape, a simpl_ crape bonnet, and a long,




DREsS.


thick, black crape veil. The second year, sil trimmed
with crape, black lace collar and cuffs, and a shorter
veil may be worn, and in the last six months gray,
violet and white are permitted. A widow should wear
her hair perfectly plain, and should always wear a
bonnet; never a hat.
The mourning for a father or mother is worn for one
year. The first six months the proper dress is of solid
black woolen goods trimmed with crape, black crape
bonnet with black crape facings and black strings,
black crape veil, collar and cuffs of black crape.
Three months, black silk with crape trimming, white
or black lace collar and cuffs, veil of tulle and white
bonnet facings; and the last three months in gray,
purple and violet. Mourning worn for a child is the
same as that worn for a parent.
Mourning for a grandparent is worn for six months.
Three months black woolen goods, white collar and
cuffs, short crape veil and bonnet of crape trimmed
with black silk or ribbon; six weeks in black silk
trimmed with crape, lace collar and cuffs, short tulle
veil; and six weeks in gray, purple, white and violet.
Mourning worn for a friend who leaves you an inheritance, is the same as that worn for a grandparent.
Mourning for a brother or sister is worn for six
months, two months in solid black trimmed with
crape, white linen collar and cuffs, bonnet of black
with white facing and black strings; two months in
black silk, with white lace collar and cuffs; and two
months in gray, purple, white and violet.
Mourning for an uncle or aunt is worn for three
months, and is the second mourning named above,
tulle, white linen and white bonnet facings being worn
18




274


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


at once. For a nephew or niece, the same is worn for
the same length of time.
The deepest mourning excludes kid gloves; they
should be of cloth, silk or thread; and no jewelry is
permitted during the first month of close mourning.
Embroidery, jet trimmings, puffs, plaits-in fact, trimming of any kind-is forbidden in deep mourning, but
worn when it is lightened.
Mourning handkerchiefs should be of very sheer fine
linen, with a border of black, very wide for close
mourning, narrower as the black is lightened.
Mourning silks should be perfectly lustreless, and
the ribbons worn without any gloss.
Ladies invited to funeral ceremonies should always
wear a black dress, even if they are not in mourning;
and it is bad taste to appear with a gay bonnet or
shawl, as if for a festive occasion.
The mourning for children under twelve years of
age is white in summer and gray in winter, with black
trimmings, belt, sleeve ruffles and bonnet ribbons.


- A —




CHAPTER XXVI.


PRESENTS.
U R presents spring from one of
two sources. Either they are
the manifestation of a pure,
unselfish affection, or they
are given with the expectation of receiving something
in return. In the latter case
they partake of the nature
of bribes, and are a violation,
not only of the rules of propriety, but even of the principles
of morality. A true present must be a token of affection already existing, not a means of winning favor.
COSTLY PRESENTS.
Rich and costly presents should rarely if ever be
made. A present ought to be valuable from what it
signifies, rather than on account of what it really is.
A wealthy father may, of course, make a costly gift'
to a son or daughter; but in most cases where there is
not some close relationship, the propriety of such a
gift would be extremely questionable.
MOST SUITABLE PRESENTS.
Says Emerson: "Our tokens of love are for the
most part barbarous, cold, and lifeless, because they
(275)




A




PRESENTS.


277


do not represent our life. The only gift is a portion
of thyself. Therefore, let the farmer give his corn;
the miner, his gem; the sailor, his corals and shells;
the painter, his picture, and the poet, his poem."
In other words, it is always best to give something
of your own production or discovery. If the recipient
have any love for you, the value of the gift will be
enhanced many fold by being the offspring of your
effort and skill. But if he have no true affection for
the giver, nothing can be valuable as a gift.
A person sometimes comes into possession of a thing
which is of no special value to himself, but which to
another, on account of his calling, studies, or tastes,
may be very desirable. Under such circumstance it is
always proper to make a present of the thing in question, even to a stranger.
GIFTS TO LADIES.
As a rule a young unmarried lady should not receive
a present, above all a costly present, from a gentleman;
unless he be a relative, or is engaged to her. A costly
gift from a gentleman to a young lady would be
indelicate, as having the appearance of a bribe upon
her affections. A married lady may receive a gift
from a gentleman who is under obligations to her for
hospitality.
GIFTS BY LADIES.
Gifts by ladies should be of a delicate nature,
usually some dainty product of their own taste and
skill. If a married lady makes a present to a gentleman she should give it in the name of both herself and
her husband.




278


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


A GENTLEMAN'S PRESENT TO HIS BEIROTHED.
Even to the lady to whom he is engaged a gentleman should not, as a rule, make very costly gifts.
Neither is it the best of taste to present her ornaments
for her person.
GIFTS BEYOND ONE'S MEANS.
Avoid giving a present that may seem inconsistent
with your means. The recipient will be apt to think,
even if his good taste prevents him from saying so,
that you should have kept the gift, or its cost, for
yourself.
RECEIVING A GIFT.
Always accept with expressions of gratitude any
present offered you in the spirit of kindness, unless
the circumstances are such that you can not with propriety take the gift. Never say to one who makes
you a present, "I fear you rob yourself," nor anything to imply that the gift is beyond his means.
REFERRING TO GIFTS.
After a present has once been received and acknowledged, it is in bad taste for either party to refer to it
again.
If you have made a present and the recipient praises
it, do not be given to depreciate its value; but say
that you are glad to know that it has given pleasure,
or something to that effect.




CHAPTER XXVII.


BUSINESS.
f  TT    ' an American, business is the
|| i       quintessence of energy, the well>!'      spring of ambition, and the.   m         highway to wealth, honor and
fame. On it are based the
d   push and the drive which
are daily adding millions to
the treasures of this nation,
as well as giving us reputation and integrity among the
l peoples of the world. The
following will be found to: give many valuable suggese  u s     tions as to the most efficient
(2 way of obtaining for one's self:   a good knowledge of the laws
S             and customs of well-regulated
business.
GENERAL RULES FOR BUSINESS.
Form good habits and be polite to all; for politeness
is the key to success. Be cheerful and avoid breaking
an engagement. If you have to fail in carrying out an
engagement you should make the fact known, stating
(279)




280


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


your reasons. Do not deceive a customer. It will ruin
your business. "Honesty is the best policy."
Never loose your temper in discussing business matters. Meet notes and drafts promptly. To neglect
this is to ruin your reputation. If you can not pay,
write at once to your creditor, stating plainly the
reason why you can not pay him, and say when you
will be able.
Keep your own counsel, and endeavor, as far as
practicable, to keep your business and social habits
distinct. Sentiment has little or no standing in the
office of the business man; it warps his judgment,
and causes him to do many things which may interfere with his success. Take up some business to which
you are adapted, and let nothing swerve you from it;
mediocrity and patience often win when genius and
hot-headedness are found in the gutter.
Control your own investments, or you will find that
you have given to another that which has cost you a
lifetime to acquire.
Great wealth is only to be obtained by controlling
the labor of others. To be rich is to have the power
to use life to the best advantage; and yet, poverty, if
unwedded to vice, is no crime.
Pay bills when presented. Never allow a creditor
to call a second time to collect a bill. Your credit
will be injured if you do. When you collect a bill of
a man thank him.
Never look over another man's books or papers if
you should chance to see them open.
When writing a letter asking for information, always
enclose an envelope, addressed and stamped, for an
answer.




BUSINESS.               281
Reply to all letters immediately. When you call
upon a man during business hours, transact your busi
ness rapidly and make your call as short as is consist
ent with the matter in hand. As a rule, men have but
little time to visit during business hours.
When in company, where two or more men are talking over matters of business, do not listen to a conversation that is not intended for you to hear.
When you pay out a large sum of money, insist
that the person to whom it is paid shall count it in
your presence; and on the other hand, never receive a
sum of money without counting it in the presence of
the party who pays it to you.
Employers, having occasion to reprove any of their
clerks or employes, will find that by speaking kindly
they will accomplish the desired object much better
than by harsher means.








CHAPTER XXVIII.


HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
'\ \'A ARMONY of colors is a most
essential element in a lady's
wardrobe.  No matter how
rich and elegant the material
I       is, if the colors do not harfm    onize the effect is spoiled.
Some colors should never be
worn together, because they
create a positive discord.
A small lady should never
wear a dress with large figures, plaids or stripes, nor
is it in taste for a large lady to do so. These styles
are most suited to ladies of medium size.
Rich and elegant materials suit a large figure.
Slender ladies may wear much drapery, but those
who are short and stout must wear but little.
Tall, slim ladies should never wear stripes; and
short, fleshy persons should avoid flounces, or any
horizontal trimming of the dress which causes them
to look shorter.
A lady of fair complexion should wear delicate
tints, while brunettes should wear dark rich shades.
(288)




284


-84  AMERICAN4 ETIQ'UVT1V.


Blue is most suitable for yellow or auburn hair.
The art of combining colors in dress to advantage is
not given to all, and yet it may be acquired with a very
little study, especially if the learner have the gift of
observation. Take a small bouquet of flowers, such
as is to be gathered in the open fields, or that may be
purchased for a few cents at almost any florist's, and
the effective combinations which nature makes will
serve a milliner with ideas for spring bonnets for ages
to come. As a rule, women err more in attempting
too much in the way of color than in the combinations.
Sobriety and its twin sister, repose, are the points to
be desired, and most difficult of attainment. When
we pass a well-dressed woman on the street it is not
easy to describe the dress she wore; no part of it has
specially attracted our attention; harmony and a general sense of fitness is the impression we have received.
As a rule, the dress of a man or woman is a fair index
to the mind; the light and frivolous will affect the
gaudy, and the quiet and studious the grays and somber blacks.
Years ago the head-dress of nearly every woman
consisted of a bright yellow straw bonnet, trimmed
without with green ribbon, and within with pink; and,
still later, magenta was all the rage. As a rule, the
cheaper the material the less extravagantly should the
dress be made; only costly materials are capable of
elaborate trimmings. As the age increases it is well to
remember that the tints of the complexion change, and
that what was admirable at fourteen may be very unbecoming at forty. It may be said that there is a change
necessary at every decade of life, if one would dress
becomingly and in good taste.




RT1ARMOxi Or 00ORS tIN 1 DRESS.


285


Both men and women should endeavor to modify
their dress as they grow older.   There is a natural
beauty in the middle-aged and elderly which can be
much developed by the observation of a few simple
laws in the matter of dress and colors.
COLORS THAT HARMONIZE.
Black and pink.
Black and lilac.
Black and scarlet,
Black and maize.
Black and slate color.
Black and orange; a rich harmony.
Black and white; a perfect harmony.
Black and brown; a dull harmony.
Black and drab or buff.
Black, white or yellow and crimson.
Black, orange, blue and scarlet.
Black and chocolate brown.
Black and shaded cardinal.
Black and cardinal.
Black, yellow, bronze and light blue.
Black, cardinal, blue and old gold.
Blue and brown.
Blue and black.
Blue and gold; a rich harmony.
Blue and orange; a perfect harmony.
Blue and chestnut.
Blue and maize.
Blue and straw color.
Blue and white.
Blue and fawn color; weak harmony.
Blue and stone color.
Blue and drab.




286


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Blue and lilac; weak harmony.
Blue and crimson; imperfectly.
Blue and pink; poor harmony.
Blue and salmon color.
Blue, scarlet and purple (or lilac).
Blue, orange and black.
Blue, orange and green.
Blue, brown, crimson and gold (or yellow).
Blue, orange, black and white.
Blue, pink and bronze green.
Blue, cardinal and old gold.
Blue, yellow, chocolate-brown and gold.
Blue, mulberry and yellow.
Bronze and old gold.
Bronze, pink and light blue.
Bronze, black, blue, pink and gold.
Bronze, cardinal and peacock blue.
Brown, blue, green, cardinal and yellow.
Brown, yellow, cardinal and peacock bluw
Crimson and gold; rich harmony.
Crimson and orange; rich harmony.
Crimson and brown; dull harmony.
Crimson and black; dull harmony.
Crimson and drab.
Crimson and maize.
Crimson and purple.
Cardinal and old gold.
Cardinal, brown and black.
Cardinal and navy blue.
Chocolate, blue, pink and gold.
Claret and old gold.
Dark green, white and cardinal.
Ecrue, bronze and peacock.
Ecrue and light blue.




HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.


2817


Garnet, bronze and pink.
Gen d'arme and cardinal.
Gen d'arme and bronze.
Gen d'arme and myrtle.
Gen d'arme and old gold.
Gen d'arme, yellow and cardinal.
Gen d'arme, pink, cardinal and lavender.
Green and gold, or gold color.
Green and scarlet.
Green and orange.
Green and yellow.
Green, crimson, blue and gold, or yellow.
Green, blue and scarlet.
Green, gold and mulberry.
Green and cardinal.
Lilac and white; poor.
Lilac and gray; poor.
Lilac and maize.
Lilac and cherry.
Lilac and gold, or gold color.
Lilac and scarlet.
Lilac and crimson.
Lilac, scarlet, and white or black.
Lilac, gold color and crimson.
Lilac, yellow or gold, scarlet and white.
Light pink and garnet.
Light drab, pine, yellow and white.
Myrtle and old gold.
Myrtle and bronze.
Myrtle, red, blue and yellow.
Myrtle, mulberry, cardinal, gold and light green.
Mulberry and old gold.
Mulberry and gold.
Mulberry and bronze.




288


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Mulberry, bronze and gold.
Mulberry and pearl.
Mode, pearl and mulberry.
Maroon, yellow, silvery gray and light green.
Navy blue, light blue and gold.
Navy blue, gen d'arme and pearl.
Navy blue, maize, cardinal and yellow.
Orange and bronze; agreeable.
Orange and chestnut.
Orange, lilac and crimson.
Orange, red and green.
Orange, purple and scarlet.
Orange, blue, scarlet and claret.
Orange, blue, scarlet, white and green.
Orange, blue and crimson.
Pearl, light blue and peacock blue.
Peacock blue and light gold.
Peacock blue and old gold.
Peacock blue and cardinal.
Peacock blue, pearl, gold and cardinal.
Purple and maize.
Purple and blue.
Purple and gold, or gold color; rich.
Purple and orange, rich.
Purple and black, heavy.
Purple and white, cold.
Purple, scarlet and gold color.
Purple, scarlet and white.
Purple, scarlet, blue and orange.
Purple, scarlet, blue, yellow and black.
Red and white, or gray.
Red and gold, or gold color.
Red, orange and green.
Red, yellow or gold color and black.




ISAMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.


989


Red, gold color, black and white.
Seal brown, gold and cardinal.
Sapphire and bronze.
Sapphire and old gold.
Sapphire and cardinal.
Sapphire and light blue.
Sapphire and light pink.
Sapphire and corn.
Sapphire and garnet.
Sapphire and mulberry.
Shaded blue and black.
Scarlet and blue.
Scarlet and slate color.
Scarlet and orange.
Scarlet, blue and white.
Scarlet, blue and yellow.
Scarlet, black and white.
Scarlet, blue, black and yellow.
Shaded blue, shaded garnet and shaded gold.
Shaded blue and black.
White and cherry.
White and crimson.
White and brown.
White and pink.
White and scarlet.
White and gold color; poor.
Yellow and black.
Yellow and brown.
Yellow and red.
Yellow and chestnut or chocolate.
Yellow and white; poor.
Yellow and purple; agreeable.
Yellow and violet.
Yellow and lilac; weak.
19




290            AMEIRIC A  ETIQUETTE.
Yellow and blue; cold.
Yellow and crimson.
Yellow, purple and crimson.
Yellow, purple, scarlet and blue.
Yellow, pink, maroon and light blue.




CHAPTER XXIX.


LETTER WRITING.
-E T T E R writing, practically
),    considered, is the most im',~/-~,.,.' '. -'11 l portant of all kinds of
1 A1 i,            |composition. It is indise[ ~                pensable in business, for
much of business must be
done by correspondence.
person who is able to
-, write well is more likely
X to be called to a desirable situation than he
who is deficient in the
art. By letter writing,
much can be done to
maintain and strengthen
our social ties. InreceivX 9ing letters from absent friends,
-   there is a pleasure that no one
-'1    -    would wish to forego.  The culture of a person is plainly indicated
by his letters; "and it is as great a
violation of propriety to send an awkward and badly written letter, as it is to appear in the
company of refined people, with swaggering gait,
(291k




292


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


soiled linen, and unkempt hair."  Letter writing is a
practical exercise in English composition, and can be
practiced by persons of any age or position. Many
distinguished writers of other kinds of composition,
have acquired much of their power of expression by
their practice of writing letters. The advantages of
the art are so obvious that arguments in its favor are
not a necessity.
LETTER WRITING IN THE MIDDLE AGES.
In the middle ages it was considered a more arduous
undertaking to write a letter than to fight a battle.
In those days only priests and learned men knew how
to write, for even the nobles themselves could not sign
their own names. When it was desired to address
some high dignitary as on occasion of haut ceremonie,
it was necessary to call in the services of the scribe. In
the days of chivalry verily the sword was mightier
than the pen, but according to the maxim of our own
day " the pen is mightier than the sword." In feudal
ages, the knight carved his adversary dexterously with
his sword; in these days a man stabs his rival with
his pen. Although not always as fatal, the results are
frequently quite as effectual.
There is no evidence of any letter having been written in England before the Norman conquest. The oldest in the British Museum is one penned by Wuldham,
Bishop of London, who lived about the year 731.
Paper was then too expensive to be an article of
general consumption, but with birth of education
letter-writing gradually became a more wide-spread
accomplishment.
When our grandmothers desired to respond to a
billet-doux they were obliged to take their scissors




LETTER WRITING.


293


and cut off a scrap from a large sheet of paper which,
at that time, was the only form in which it was sold.
To-day the papeterie of a belle of the nineteenth century equals in elegance the other dainty accessories
of her boudoir, and heavy satin paper ornamented
with initial, monogram, or coat-of-arms is considered
the most elegant stationery for polite letter writing.
The style and length of a letter should be in accordance with the purpose and person to whom it is written.
Terseness and brevity should be rigorously cultivated,
and yet all tendency to brusqueness must be as studiously avoided.  Perspicuity and directness, with an
easy and flowing style, should be cultivated. Letters
carelessly written are a fruitful source of lawsuits, and
many a letter written in haste, and forgotten, has
turned up in a court of law in after years, to the discomfiture of the writer and his case. As a rule, if the
writer has something unpleasant to say, he had better
not write it, and if it must be written, let it be as brief
as possible.
Familiarity is to be deprecated at all times, even in
writing to one's most intimate friends. By common
consent, there is a certain dignity to be observed, both
in the language, matter, and style of a letter that
should never be departed from. To be a graceful correspondent is no mean acquirement at best, and only
long practice,, coupled with a trained intelligence, can
enable the modern writer of letters to approach the
masters of the art. Those who would study this art,
at its best, can do no better than read the published
volume of Thackeray's letters, which, since they were
given to the world, have achieved for their author a
fame second only to his novels themselves.




294


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Letters of introduction should always be left unsealed, out of courtesy to the bearer, who is thus at
liberty to read them.
The mode of addressing the person written to, the
body of the letter, and the phrase which precedes the
signature of the writer, should be made to correspond,
so that a uniformity is preserved.
IHINTS ON LETTER WRITING AND STATIONERY.
"Give me any other torture than this, to read a
woman's plaid letter," says the hero of a modern
novel.
Women should not cross their letters; they always
do, for that matter, although paper and postage are
very cheap. The temptation to say the last word is
enormous, and most letters written by female hands
are crossed and criss crossed. The proper and elegant
form of writing a note is best understood in England.
There, where court ceremonies are studied very much,
the business of etiquette has given the whole English
nation a sense of the value of a good handwriting to
begin with, and the best, because simplest, style of
note-paper and envelope. The thick English notepaper, folded square and sealed with wax, with a coatof-arms impressed, is the elegant, formal, ceremonious
way of writing a note in England.
There has been a truce to the profuse introduction
of emblazoned crest and cipher pictorial design and
elaborate monogram on the paper itself. Colored notepaper with flowers has long ago been relegated to the
kitchen, but of late there is a tendency to replace a
quiet crest and monogram on the sheet. The number
of the street is a favorite formula, and to have one's




LETTER WRITING.


295


post-office address added is common in England. The
initials copied from one's own handwriting is popular;
also the day of the week in gold letters. All these
latter forms are permissible, but the fact remains that
plain white, thick cream laid paper, or, better still,
the plainer and coarser paper, is always in good taste.
People are fond of the cold blue-gray paper lately introduced. Bret Harte always writes his stories on that
paper. He says " it does not look quite so empty when
he begins." It is certainly not empty when he finishes.
The plan of having the note-paper marked with the
address is admirable, for it effectually reminds the person who receives the note where the answer should be
sent, information which some ladies forget to append.
It should always be written, if not printed, at the head
of a letter. It gives a stylish finish to the appearance
of the note-paper, simple, unpretending, and useful.
Always use black ink; it is the only fashionable
medium. Avoid all the colored fluids, which have also
been relegated to the kitchen. Every lady and, indeed,
every man, should acquire a good handwriting. It
used to be much more indispensable than now. Our
ancestors (look at John Hancock's signature; someone said it was written so it could be read across the,Atlantic) wrote better than we do. A cramped, poor,
slovenly, uneducated, unformed handwriting is sure
to produce a bad impression on him who receives the
letter. There is a beautiful, long, sweeping, legible
hand which we call the English hand. This hand
ornaments a note so that we keep specimens of it
long after the note has done its service. A neat, flowing, graceful hand-a sheet free from blots and
erasures —this letter is always agreeable to the eye.




296


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


The writer of notes must carefully discriminate between
the familiar note and the ceremonious note, and should
study how to write both.
Custom demands that an answer to an invitation be
written in the third person, if the invitation is in the
third person. No abbreviations, no hurry, no mutilated politeness, but an elaborate and finished note,
with the names of both parties occupying a line of
their own; as, for instance, the answer to a dinner invitation is written thus:
QG. BMe w^               e Shi
Qe#CAZd<d  d   {e.       le dX  e
This reiteration of date and hour saves any possibility of mistake.
Now, for a more familiar note, etiquette demands
that we begin a note with "Dear Mr. Smith," and sign
it "Yours cordially," or "Yours truly," or "Yours,
with much regard." This may be varied in a thousand
ways, but never begin a friendly note "Mr. Smith."
The use of numerals or abbreviations is also forbidden. One should never say "I will come on the 6th of
the month, ' but 'I will come on the sixth of the month. "
It would be impossible to give any uneducated person




LETTER WRITING.


297


minute directions as to the style of a note. Style is the
result of years of training. It is also a gift, a good epistolary style. It is well, however, to know what to avoid.
Bad spelling and bad grammar are much more common in good society than is supposed; confusion of the
first and third persons is most flagrant, and ought to be
avoided, and yet one often meets with this mistake.
A person should arrange his ideas and know just
exactly what he wants to say before he begins to write
a note. It is a business to be approached with a
certain thoughtfulness.  Remember that a blurred,
blotted, slovenly, ill spelled, ungrammatical note may
be kept for years, and that it will call up a certain
prejudice in the mind of the recipient forever. Oldfashioned letter-writers left a margin around the edge
of the paper, and Bulwer defined the printing of an
edition de luxe as a rivulet of print in an ocean of
margin. That might have described the notes of the
past. Some notes are scribbled all over the paper, and,
as I have said, crossed.
Avoid ruled paper; that is the recourse of schoolboys. It is inelegant and unfashionable. All people
should be taught to write straight without lines.
Square envelopes have driven the long shapes from
the table of the elegant note-writer, and they are often
gummed and sealed with the tongue. It is far more
elegant, though less convenient, however, to seal them
with wax, and a lady's writing-table should have all
the conveniences for sealing a letter. The modern perfumed wax is by far the most agreeable of the many
preparations, and should be the only perfume about
the letter. Strongly-scented note paper is very vulgar,
and the Sardanapalus of a modern comedy gives a good




298


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


lesson when he opens a note on the stage, smelling it,
and says: " It is not perfumed; it is from a lady."
To get a good impression from an engraved stone
seal, anoint it lightly with linseed oil, put on with a
camel' s-hair pencil; dust it with rouge powder to take
off the gloss; press it quickly, but firmly, on the melted
wax, and let it remain until the wax is cooled.
Dates and numerical designations, such as the number of a house, may be written in Arabic figures, but
quantities should be expressed in words; as you would
say "the eighteenth century," rather than "the 18th
century," in a carefully written note.
A married lady should be addressed on the envelope
"Mrs. John Artichoke," "Mrs. Alfred Cantaloupe,"
to avoid mistake. We should give every man his title.
Never address General McClure as Captain McClure.
Never omit the Hon. before the names of ambassadors,
of members of Congress or of the Legislature.
In Europe the plan of addressing letters is the business of one clerk in every diplomatic office. It is considered of the first importance. In writing to the President address your letters to His Excellency. This title
also holds good in writing to the Governor of a State.
In addressing the Roman Catholic clergy learn their
proper titles, as "His Eminence the Archbishop."  A
note should be like a salutation, infused with respect.
It honors alike the writer and the recipient.
Perhaps the hardest letter to write is one of sympathy. The language of condolence has been always
terribly inadequate. Perhaps the simplest form is the
best; a kind and prompt letter, saying from the heart
that your friend's sorrow is your own, is all that one
can expect. Avoid the formality of the past. Those




tLTTER WRITING.


299


letters which began, " Believe me, could I adequately
express," have gone into that waste basket of the past
where they had always belonged.
People who write begging letters are always prone
to say, " Oh, if you knew what it cost me to write this
letter."  One is disposed to say, "Well, who cares
what it cost 2 Why did you write it "  The writing
of begging letters should be made a penal offense.
There is nothing so terribly wearing to a busy person
as this infliction.
Letter writing should share with all other things a
careful avoidance of all extravagant epithets. Always
rather understate than overstate your emotions.  A
profound contempt can be conveyed gently, as " I have
seen a better bred man than our friend Smith."
Do not be too profuse of words in writing an apology.
Remember always that "Qui s'excuse, s'accuse."
Such a phrase as "I regret exceedingly to have
intruded upon you" is far more befitting the etiquette
of pen and ink and paper than "I am too awfully
sorry," "I am terribly grieved," "I am in despair."
We Americans are too exaggerated.
MODELS OF HEADING.
MODEL 1.
One Q^^, ~C         / gMODe A., /2.~4
MODEL 2.
<4ZWe^ 4,1 1"         Ezra




300


AMERICAN ETIQtUETTE.


MODEL 3.
CXagsXnz O~Cae  @R/veggz,4
<2f  3, /BBY
MODEL 4.
MODEL 5.
Residence and date at the bottom.
(Place of Signature.)
geg<~ZcZ/vaPo gHzo M-aS ant &, /Ia
THE INTRODUCTION.
The introduction consists of the address and the
salutation. The address comprises the title and name
of the person written to, and his directions. In the
following example: Mr. John J. Curtis, 23 High St.,
Boston; Mr. John J. Curtis is the title and name,
and 23 High St., Boston, the directions. This address
is the same as that which is put upon envelopes, and
is called the "inside address" to distinguish it from
the superscription, which is called the "outside address." The name should be written so that it can be
read easily, and politeness requires that some title
should be added to it. As a rule, two titles can not




LETTER WRTINGM.


201


be joined to one name; but to this there are two exceptions. When addressing a clergyman whose surname alone is known to us, we may write Rev. Mr.
Spears, the Mr. being regarded as a substitute for the
Christian name; and if a married man has a professional or literary title prefixed to his name, Mrs. may
be used before it to denote his wife, as Mrs. Secretary
Blaine. The directions must comprise the name of
the post-office nearest the person addressed, and the
state in which it is situated. The name of the county
is necessary if the post-office is in a town not well
known. If it be in a city, the number of the house,
the street, the city, and the state should be given.
The name of the state can be omitted if the post-office
be in a large city.  In business letters the address
should be in full, and it ought to be found in every
letter since the envelope is liable to be torn or lost,
thus preventing the communication from reaching the
person to whom it was written. The salutation is the
term of politeness used to introduce a letter, as Dear
Sir, My Dear Friend, My Honored Father. Business letters generally begin with Sir, Dear Sir, Sirs,
or Gentlemen. Never use "Gents." for Gentlemen,
nor "Dr." for Dear.  For a letter addressed to a
married woman or a single woman not young, the
proper salutation is Madam, Dear Madam, or My
Dear Madam. In a business letter to a young unmarried lady, the address alone is generally used as
introduction, that the repetition of Miss may be
avoided. The kinds of salutation used depend upon
the feelings of the writer and his relation to the person
addressed. Extravagant salutations, such as Darlingest of Darlings should not be indulged in, since




302


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


to sensible people the expressions sound flat and silly.
Under the heading Models of Introduction, various
forms of salutation can be seen.  The place of the
address in business letters and in those addressed to
persons with whom we have but little acquaintance,
is at the top of the page; in letters to relatives or very
intimate friends, the address should be written at the
bottom. The address should be on the first line below
the date, and should begin at the marginal line that
is from one-fourth of an inch to one inch from the left
edge of the sheet. It may occupy from one to three
lines. The first line should contain only the name and
title, the second should contain the directions, if the
last word is an abbreviation or a short word; but if
the last item be a long word, it should be on the third
line. The initial letters on the lines containing the
address should be in a line sloping downward to the
right as may be seen in the models. When the address makes three lines, the position of the first letter
of the salutation is under the initial letter of the items
on the second line of the address (Model 1), or under
that of the first (Model 2). The former arrangement
is preferred. If the address makes two lines, the salutation should begin about one inch from the initial
letter of the second line (Model 3), or else under the
initial letter of the first line (Model 4). When the
address is on one line, the salutation should begin about
one inch to the right of the marginal line (Model 5).
If there is no address at the top, the salutation begins
at the marginal line (Model 6). The salutation in
familiar letters is often incorporated in the first sentence of the letter.  When this occurs, the letter
begins almost one-sixth of the distance from the left




LETTER WRITING.


303


edge of the paper to the right edge (Model 7). Irregularity prevails in the punctuation of the introduction,
but the following models give sufficient information on
the subject for Correct and polite letter writing:
MODELS OF INTRODUCTIONS
MODEL 1-BUSINESS FORM.
Gdeded.        #c,   C
^.
MODEL 2-BUSINESS FORM.
C   eadd. d ^id^^ e ^.,
Je/L (~,-&ee, ate^  ad
MODEL 3-BUSINESS FORM.
CLeee Ca^ni Co/G^//      o Sla
*  t^v5    n


I'al call 4     4e 4r<




304


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


MODEL 4-BUSINESS FORM (TO A LADY).
CG/d^  Ci^^ 'z'e (H^^-ea
(he-'  1<Xe-,et  e   Y t  ie   dfe C6    G 7/D1
MODEL 5-SOCIAL FORM.
zx. c?.:...
MODEL 6-SOCIAL FORM (DOMESTIC).
Dnce     SCIAcf F M (FcaMe  I ~LA e)c.
MODEL 7-SOCIAL FORM (FAMILIAR).
(vb,   ~ And/ ze-a.^^z,  te   at eeaG
^ezn    W/'ggea  add4   sac,




LETTER WRITING.


305


BODY OF THE LETTER.
The body of the letter is that part of the communication that is between the introduction and conclusion.
It should begin under the end of the salutation; but
when the address is long, it may begin on the same
line, a comma and a dash, or a colon and a dash, being
placed between the last word of the salutation and the
first word of the letter. (See Model 3 under Models
of Introduction.)
A blank margin that varies with the width of the
paper should always be left on the left hand side of
each page. The margin should be perfectly even, and
should never be so wide or so narrow as to go beyond
the limits of taste. On large letter-paper it should be
about an inch; on note-paper, about three-eighths of an
inch. When the sheet is quite small, a quarter of an
inch is sufficient. A letter should be divided into
paragraphs according to the rules for other composition. The first word of a paragraph should begin
about one-sixth of the way across the line from left to
right.
The penmanship should be legible, neat, and elegant.
Flourishes in a letter are out of place, skipping pages
is not to be commended, crossing letters is not entirely
respectful to the person addressed and blots and interlineations are not allowable.
The closing lines of the body of the letter are usually
some expression of respect or attachment; as in the
following examples:
"Deign, madam, to receive the assurance of my
respectful attachment."
"Accept, madam, the homage of my respect."




306


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


"The sentiments with which you have inspired me,
sir, are equally sincere and permanent.'
"My tender and respectful attachment will end only
with my life."
"I have the honor to be, sir, with sentiments of respect and consideration."
The closing lines, such as the preceding, are found
with the ordinary formula that constitutes the conclusion.
THE CONCLUSION.
The conclusion consists of the complimentary close,
and the signature; it also contains the add7 ess of the
person written to, if the same is not found in the
introduction.
The complimentary close is the phrase of respect
used at the end of a letter. It admits of a great variety
of forms on social letters, such as your friend, ever
yours, your affectionate father, etc.; but in letters
written on business, or to strangers and mere acquaintances, the usual form is yours truly, or yours respectfully, which admits of but slight variation, as
yours very truly, or truly yours. Official letters have
a more formal close than others, as:
I have the honor to be, sir, with the highest consideration,
Your obedient servant,
A. B.
The signature is the name of the writer, and it
should be attached to every letter, the name being
written plainly and in full. If the writer is a lady,
she should sign her name so as to indicate her sex,
and whether she is married or single, this can be done




LETTER WRITING.


307


by prefixing Miss or Mrs. A married lady generally
uses her husband's name, to which she prefixes the
title Mrs. if he is living; otherwise, she should use
her own name.
The position for the complimentary close is oti the
line immediately below the body of the letter and may
occupy from one to three lines.
The signature is written near the right-hand edge of
the sheet, on the line below the complimentary close.
The close and the signature must be arranged so
that the initial letter of the lines will present a regular
slope downward and to the right.
If the address is not written at the top of the letter,
it should be placed at the close, the beginning of the
first word being located at the marginal line and on
the line immediately below the signature.
The proper punctuation of the complimentary close
and the signature can be learned by consulting the
Models which follow:
MODELS OF CONCL USION.
MODEL 1.
MODEL 2.
f ieefat, weCZ4 Yt,
Cy  X< *~^~.~.
^^^^,, ^.''~^  ^^e?^^?




308


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


MODEL 3- WITH ADDRESS.
~&. 4.,
MODEL 4-WITH DATE.
MODEL 5.
20l
20




LETTER WRITING.


309


FOLDING.
Folding is a very simple matter, but it is often very
awkwardly done.
The paper should be folded so that the edges of the
letter will be exactly even. The folds ought to be
pressed with the thumb or a paper knife, so as to
give them a neat appearance. Fine paper, of medium
thickness, is most suitable for letters.  The letter
should be inserted in such a manner that, when taken
out in the usual way and unfolded, it will be right
end up.
THE SUPERSCRIPTION.
The superscription is the address written on the
envelope, and consists of the name and title of the
person to whom the letter is sent, and his full directions. It is called the outside address, to distinguish
it from the address at the head or foot of the letter.
What is said concerning those three items in the
remark on the "inside address," applies with equal
fitness to the "outside address," and need not be
mentioned here.
The upper edge of the envelope is the open one.
Have that edge from you when you write the superscription, otherwise it will be upside down. The
writing should be in straight lines, parallel with the
upper edge of the envelope; the foolish affectation of
writing diagonally across the corner is to be avoided.
It is out of taste to use envelopes that are ruled either
by a pen or some sharp-pointed instrument for making
indentations. If you can not write straight without
lines, slip into the envelope a card ruled heavily, so
that the lines will show through. This may be used




310


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


till straight lines can be written without the aid of
ruled envelopes. The name should be a little below
the middle of the envelope, the initial letter being
near the left edge, "sometimes close to it, sometimes
one or two inches from it, according to circumstances;
and the other parts should be written at equal distances under it, each a little farther to the right, so
that the last part shall come near the right-hand
corner."
To a person residing in the country, direct as foilows:
(fatze Scld^ cy^%
R, tce
To a person in a city direct as follows:
When addressing a letter in care of a person, the
order is:
C^^eg C4^zi^<?                 J.dZ
/ ^ *l   91, Ave!
fc~i- <2^ < ( ca'-a  aft dy^en.,
<^z%^%^^^^




LETTER WRITING.             311
The governor of a State is addressed in this way:
A person with an official designation is addressed as
follows:
ced..te  g/vv       $ea^.;,
The superscription should be plainly written, and
the punctuation studied from the Models.
MODEL 1.
STAMP.
o/~           ~z^ a,,
ii/ i ii i   /?
(^^^ei~e'ca.^t-.




312


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


MODEL 2.
STAMP.
di. QZAi id iae,
/2-gt^  (Ma.       'EcL.
MODEL 3.


THE STAMP.
Before sending a letter, affix to it a proper stamp.
The communication will not be forwarded unless it is
prepaid one full rate.
The stamp should be affixed to the upper right-hand
corner of the face of the envelope, at about one-sixteenth of an inch from the top and one-eighth of an
inch from the end.
The stamp is a picture, and should be right end up,




LETTER WRITING.


313


its edges being parallel with those of the envelope.
" Putting the stamp on upside down or awry indicates
carelessness rather than rapidity, and any appearance
of carelessness in a letter is disrespectful to the person
to whom it is sent."
Be sure to put on an envelope as many stamps as
are necessary to send the letter; two stamps should
be used if you are not certain that one is sufficient.
COMPLETED MODELS.
FORM OF SOCIAL LETTER.
e2/         leed;           dgd
=aoc ande <tie26wet t  zaddc  -e^.-o t/-/G da~z
Z a    ire 4zd cZ a4nzIa       a go
4, -Ile Z-,4Ad44d' 04
i      e4e gted. _da      7rea f      &e <er <e
Bead    nzae ~Z^ are Fe   -t. /  /      / y  a^'
< t-AaCt dZ447
CI. -c    4/ g                  y4




'Z I A.
t-11 -L -x


314       AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


FORM OF BUSINESS LETTER.
-tale"46    ~/-/~ 7
zZ        4              4
414  zd'welze      -rl44   e




LETTER WRITING.


315


A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.
As a guide is to a man in an unknown land, so is a
letter of introduction tQ a man in a strange community. A person going to a strange place ought to be
prepared with such a valuable aid. A letter of this
kind properly prepared must be brief, and must contain the full name and address of the person introduced, to which should be added an expression stating
the pleasure that you think the new acquaintance will
create. A letter of introduction may be sealed by the
person introduced, but not by the writer. A gentleman delivering to a lady a letter that introduces him
is at liberty to call upon her. By sending her a card
he can ascertain whether it is more convenient to
receive him then or appoint another hour that is more
convenient.
Great caution must be exercised in giving a letter of
introduction. The writer must be well acquainted
with the one introduced and with the person to whom
he writes. A well-bred gentleman or lady who is the
recipient of such a letter will, in twenty-four hours,
attend to the demands of the letter by inviting the
person introduced to dine, or engage in some agreeable
pastime or amusement.
A letter of introduction is often left with a card; in
such a case a gentleman in the family may call upon
the stranger the following day, or he may send a card
with an invitation. Should the letter introduce a
gentleman to a lady, she may answer by a note of
invitation appointing a time for him to call.




31O


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


MODEL LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.
Aiz     -4"' -
~'~ESKI Bg    Z.
4"ne4
4 A
~~a               4 A   ~ ei~.z 4




LETTER WRITING.


317


The envelope should be addressed as follows:
Q//dd  d(^ 6v4fa4
FAMILY LETTERS.
Letters written from one member of a family to
another are less formal than any other kind of epistolary correspondence. They should exhibit some
characteristics of the writer; should contain information on minor matters as well as on subjects of more
importance; and should be written so as to give the
greatest amount of satisfaction to the recipient.
LETTERS OF FRIENDSHIP.
Letters of friendship are more formal than family
letters, contain less gossip, and embrace matters in
which both the writer and recipient are interested.
Such letters should be answered with sufficient
promptness to keep alive the friendship between the
correspondents, unless there be a desire for this to
cool.
THE BUSINESS LETTER.
This should be embraced in a few words and should
relate directly to the business in hand. If an apology




318


AMERIOAN ETIQUETTE.


or explanation is necessary, let it be inserted after the
business portion of the letter is finished. A business
letter should be answered as soon as possible after its
receipt. The response in some cases, may be on the
same page with the original letter; but this kind of
reply should not be made, save when the points in
question are few and brief.
MODELS FOR BRIEF BUSINESS LETTERS.
A LETTER REQUESTING EMPLOYMENT.
GCas& -144, <a &, /<ar.
Gled&dd. Bung
CeAAtedSt ^a   e      d.'dg  a  d a
<ye- i.(Selda     ~cfi!
O^-X^ ( e/en.a
6y*2 ^                   /   ^z~ c




LETTER WTRITING.


V),
0.19


LETTERS REGARDING THE CHARACTER OF A SERVANT.
Ile 4   l $lZJ  coal_,  -la ~e /la
egw, ~r,  l d,~  ll  4 de  -el
~, y             4 ~~trtd~t A 2
c~ G~t Q/. C~~s~




320


820       AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


-m  6 4 da~leiie7 4 e vtd'1/
1 7d'  Zc~e, l4~%eY l
A        iefr  C
7w~ 'Al  nX 4lt'i
QZ 4,"




LETTER WRITING.32


321


NOEDRAFTS, BILLS AND RECEIPTS.
PROMISSORY NOTE WITHOUJT INTEREST.
oflheefr d+
A NOTE PAYABLE IN BANK.
Y/ ~d/c      -6a  Jle *ia~W  a 7A11 C
A  4~~d'~             7010
d /~~a.  ~   4e~e~-teaK -~2~~g e
'a n4ea/ vld




322


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


There is a difference between an ordinary promissory note and a note payable in
bank, that every person should understand. These notes are equally binding as to the
original parties, but when transferred, the conditions change.  A person in
purchasing an ordinary note simply takes the place of the original payee, and is
liable to any offset the payer may have.  On the other hand, a note payable in
bank, in the hands of a third party, is collectible whatever may be the offset
against it, or whatever the fraud practiced in securing it; provided, the holder when
buying the note was ignorant of such fraud.  Sharpers often take advantage of
people not understanding the nature of a bank note.  A person is often induced
to sign such a note with a written contract, that it is not to be paid unless certain
conditions are fulfilled. The note is then detached from the contract and sold to
an innocent purchaser and is then collectible, whatever the fraud may have been.
A plain note under such circumstances would not be collectible.  All notes are
transferable whatever be their form. Notes may provide for attorney's fees or not
as parties agree.  All notes must read "for value received."  A bank note to
have all its force must be transferred before due.  A note does not draw interest
unless it is specified in the note.
FORM OF A RECEIPT.
dj3                      G~ 9~ <c<OR. Od, / B.
FORM OF A BILL.
e              Y ta     / cw. z gag
/a(                                               -n7, e  ^?.  Z/  /   /  y




LETTER WRITING.


323


DRAFT. OR ORDER "WITHOUT GRACE."
ava    69, a c4, T-d   zvlYz
~~   ~       4   Ac/~ s
FORM OF A DRAFT, TIME FROM SIGHT.
4itltg   dCd  a~47~     4  ~ ~c~
~cld     G~d.
c~~~~~~9 ~,,~~,,,~  ~.




324


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION AND CONDOLENCE.
They should be brief, and confined to the matter
for which you offer your congratulations or condolence. A letter of congratulation may be written to
any acquaintance whom you wish to inform of the
pleasure you derive from his success; while a letter of
condolence should be sent only to intimate friends or
relatives, and should express real feeling for those in
bereavement.
THE LOVE LETTER.
A love letter should be dignified in tone and expressive of esteem and affection. It should be free from
silly and extravagant expressions, and contain nothing of which the writer would be ashamed were the
letter to fall under the eyes of any person beside the
one to whom it was written.
-  REPLIES.
A reply should promptly follow the receipt of a
letter; it can not be civilly delayed for any great
length of time. It is customary to begin a reply by
noticing the date of the letter to which an answer is
given.
One of the following forms is generally adopted:
" I hasten to answer the letter which you did me
the honor of writing on the
"I have received the letter with which you honored
me on the
"I have not been able, until this moment, to answer
the letter which you did me the honor of writing on
the    "




LETTER WRITING.


325


RULES OF EPISTOLARY COMPOSITION.
1. Every letter is of some importance: remember
this before you begin to write.
2. Do not consult grammarians, or lexicons, when
you write a letter; depend rather on an attentive
perusal of the best epistolary authors of both sexes.
Study the letters of women in preference to those of
men.
3. Before you begin a letter, imagine that you are
in the presence of the absent person; converse with
him, pen in hand.
4. Julius Caesar dictated several letters at once; do
not imitate the Dictator of Rome, compose but one
letter at a time.
5 In your letters to a man in office, or to a protector, beware of exhibiting more intellect than he
possesses.
6. Do not write a letter of reproof, immediately
after a liberal repast.
7. Never write long letters to persons in easy circumstances.
8. During your whole life, write to your instructors
or instructresses with as much respect and gratitude
as to your parents.
9. In your letters, ask nothing and refuse nothing,
which would cause you to blush, if you were to make
the request or denial in person.
10. Write all your letters in a simple style;
especially those which are addressed to the unlearned,
and to men of sense.
11. When you propose to be laconic in your letters,
avoid dryness; a dry style is the evidence of a barren
mind.




326


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


12. A letter is like a nosegay; the thoughts should
be well assorted.
13. In a crowd of persons, there are no two countenances exactly alike; let the case be the same with
your letters.
14. Speak of your friends, as if they were present;
write to them in the same manner.
15. In your letters, accommodate yourself to the
respective capacities of your correspondents.  A
young man should slacken his pace, when he walks
with an old gentleman, or with a lady.
16. Do not amass a previous store of brilliant or
profound ideas in order to dispose of them in your
letters as occasion may require.  In the epistolary
style, it is especially true, that we must live from day
to day.
17. Every kind of style may enter into the composition of letters. In this respect everything depends
on the subject and the writer. The sublime does not
exclude simplicity; on the contrary, it includes it.
18. If you can not avoid superfluities, in your
letters, be incorrect rather than pedantic.
19. Do not meditate long before writing a letter;
but invariably revise it, after it is written.
20. Be sparing in the use of puns in conversation;
employ them still more sparingly in your letters.
21. A father and son should not address each other
as companions; but the letters of brothers may resemble those of friends.
22. The mutual letters of a married pair, when
absent from each other, should be affectionate and
delicate. Many things should be the mere subjects of




LETTER WRITING.


327


conjecture; they may occasionally be spoken, but
never committed to writing.
23. Let your tongue and your pen have full scope;
but act like a skillful horseman, and let them constantly feel, that they shall be free, only while they
abstain from abusing the liberty which you grant to
them in your conversations or letters.
24. Be brief when you write to magistrates; they
have neither time nor patience to read long epistles.
25. Where you inflict censure, or bestow praise iL
your letters, be concise.
26. Let every expression in your letters have the
air of civility. This will render affected compliments
and politeness unnecessary. Too many persons are
polite in order to avoid civility.
27. Never send a letter which has produced weariness or trouble in writing. It would certainly weary
the reader.
28. When you are thirsty, you drain a cup at a
single draught. Attend to the proper time for composition, and let your letter be commenced and finished,
as it were with a single stroke of the pen.
29. In all your conversations, forbear t, sacrifice
truth to considerations of civility or respect, avoid the
fsame fault in your letters. A spoken falsehood is a
great evil; a written falsehood is a still greater one.
30. As the first thoughts are often the best, be careful to answer a letter without delay. No harm, however, will result from deferring the reply for a day or
two, especially if it relates to an affair of importance.








CHAPTER XXX.


NOTES.
OTES, as considered in this
e1 book, are brief messages
ar    pertaining to transient and
d in       local interest, by which persons
l  a     t    in the same community make
glre          known to one another their
twishes, compliments or commands.
Notes, or billets, differ from
ordinary letters in the four particulars: First, they
are more formal; second, they are written wholly, or
partly, in the third person; third, the date is generally at the bottom; fourth, they are without signature.
Notes are appropriately used between equals in all
matters of ceremony, such as weddings and dinners,
and in brief communications between persons but
siightly acquainted.  They may be used between
unequals in any brief and formal message.
It is difficult to write a note in the third person, and
great care must be taken not to change from the third
person to the first or second.
The paper and envelopes used for notes should be
plain and of the best quality. White paper is always
in good taste. For weddings no other kind is allow(829)




330


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


able, but for other occasions delicate tints may be
used. The styles of note paper are constantly varying, hence no definite size or shape can be given.
Wedding notes always bear a monogram consisting
of the combined initials of the bridegroom and bride.
Besides the fine envelopes that enclose what is written,
outside envelopes, as a protection, are generally used.
These are indispensable when notes are sent by mail.
In such cases the full address should be written on
the outside envelope, and the name only on the inner
one.
STYLE.
The most fashionable notes are characterized by simplicity. The language is concise, courteous, plain and
beautiful. Flourishes are out of place. Refined taste
exhibits itself in richness of material, beauty of form,
harmony of parts, and perfect adaptation to circumstances, rather than in excessive display.
FRENCH PHRASES.
The following are French phrases and initials, that
are sometimes used in notes and cards, but English
phrases are generally to be preferred:
R. S. V. P. — Rpondez s'il vos plait; answer, if you
please.
P. P. C. — Pour rendre conga; to take leave.
P. D. A.-Pour dire adieu; to say adieu.
Costume de signeur, full dress in character.
Fete chamnpere, a rural entertainment.
Bal masque, a masquerade ball.
E. V. —En vile, in the town or city
Soiree dansante, dancing party.




NOTES.


331


INVITATIONS-WEDDING.
Wedding invitations are issued by the parents or
nearest friends of the bride, about ten days before the
ceremony. They may be written or printed on note
paper or on cards, but for all ceremonious invitations the note form is preferred. Notes printed from
engraved plates are greatly superior to those printed
from type, and are used almost exclusively by fashionable people. When an answer is desired, the letters
"R. S. V. P." or the words, "The favor of an answer
is requested," are written or printed at the bottom.
MODEL 1-CEREMONY AND RECEPTION.
/ea5t   Y mu /geee~ee Add4t
C~ Sead,              C5<Z.
c~t,$4 yvz ^-?^fs gew          ZX '!e,
B//aK C!Xr     ased




332          AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.
MODEL 2- CEREMONY.
Cigg // A 4
^@~^~C^^^^^^


Enclosing a Reception Card as follows:




NOTES.


333


MODEL 33 - CEREMONY AND RECEPTION.
MODEL 4 - REcErTIOW.
To be written.
Are           Oxi. Q4A    SaQz'c ea
Ar Ze 9(e0/s,/ a
o~ ~e6
/-t~bct Qr~,#/~d    c~ eelYte




334           AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.
MODEL 5- CEREMONY.
/  A -1 cemAc,/   QveW
MISCELLANEOUS MODELS.


ST. JEHN7S. CHURCH,
( io above Pine,)
TuEsday, Mvlarch 30th, at twslvs o'clock,
Alva Fics. Julia May.
At Horns aftsr April Fifternthl
42TR Clark  Ct, Lincinnati,
(No Cards required.)


The Marriage of
Will be solemnized at Grace Church, Attica, Ind.,
On Tuesday afternoon, May third,
at three o'clock.
(Rece#Iion Card enclosed.)




NOTES.35


335


UT pdidiiri  M, E,    hvir clih
TThursday Rfterrnnwui1 May 2D1 i31j
BtI twu n'Cluck1
Highi StroE~t) Lhjliiius.
( Personal and Reception Cards enclosed.)


THE MARRFIADE CEREMOlNY
Will be solemnized at Christ's Church, Toledo,
On Monday evening, Oct. i, 1r88i,
Your presence is requested.
(Recel/tioe Card enclosed.)


I       ANNOUNCEMENTS.
Notes annDouncing the marriage, and enclosing a
reception card to those who are desired to call, are
sometimes issued after the wedding, as:G ~.   c %~ z4 e-Y  6g d 4i e '"
J ~ Y e   / ~ 4 {.


CF4-QwOV7'&4A dle-atfz-c WS.




336


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


With the preceding note a reception card is enclosed,
as follows:
A  i i  i     d7,
Instead of this method the announcement may be
made by sending two cards, a large one containing
the names of the husband and wife, and a smaller one
containing the bride's maiden name.
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS, DINNERS, PARTIES,
RECEPTIONS AND BALLS.
These topics are treated of with sufficient fullness in
the chapters on their respective subjects, and need not
be noticed here, since in the proper connection model
no:es for invitations are given.
ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS.
An acceptance is an affirmative answer; a regret is
a non-acceptance. An invitation to a dinner should
be promptly accepted or declined. Wedding invitations and receptions do not require an acceptance
unless they contain the letters " R. S. V. P." or their
equivalent. This may be said of invitations to parties
and balls. Invitations to weddings, receptions and




NOTES.


337


balls should be answered, if an answer is required, not
later than the third day. The answer to a joint note
from a husband and wife, should be addressed on the
envelope to the wife alone; but the answer should
contain within it a recognition of both persons.
MODEL 1- ACCEPTANCE.
be/. (6A^0   5 e Zl    <d <-c WA<z,Ilzei  bodc
CA^. alzwC       C^W-6id. sd af"'e-e ete  (w   In e a  =
64V) a l Iia e_-aA14              In 'a j    -
MODEL 2- REGRET.
GoW^t4. < ^;,4 -iezd      1agct I e -c/znl aI,ce    Cv Oato —ed  c<<za saag 4^,z<    '^   /




338           AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.
SUPERSCRIPTION AND DELIVERY
The superscription on the envelope proper consists
of the name alone, written as on an ordinary letter.
The former practice of writing "present" under the
name is now   discarded.  "The outside envelope
should have upon it the full address of the person
who receives it."
Notes are usually delivered by a private messenger;
but the mail is used to convey notes to persons living
in another town or city, or in distant parts of the same
city.




CHAPTER XXXI.


CARDS.
ODERN    culture, with the increased requirements of social
intercourse, necessitated  some
method by which the return of
A calls should be indicated. Servants could not be depended upon
I  to remember the names of visitors, and a
card, on which the name and address
might be inscribed became, by a process
l of natural evolution, the only means of
l solving the problem.
The word card comes from the Latin
word charta, signifying a leaf or sheet of
paper.
The primitive visiting cards were made
from the refuse pasteboard left over after the playing
cards were trimmed. On these unfinished scraps of
paper the belles and beaux of a hundred years ago
were wont to write their names.
As recently as 1752 and 1764, titled people in Europe
inscribed their names and sent invitations for balls
(339)




340


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


and dinner parties on the backs of ordinary playing
cards.
When blank cards were introduced they were as
often made of paper as of card-board, and many of
them were very diminutive. During the last century
it was considered stylish to have them about two
inches long by one and one-half inches wide.
At the present writing visiting cards are made from
the best unglazed Bristol board, and the names upon
them should be engraved in the finest script.
THE GENITLEMAN'S CARD.
The gentleman's visiting card is smaller than that
of the lady, and the name should be thus engraved:
An officer in the army or navy, a physician, a judge,
or a minister, may have his title placed before his
name. The last named should style himself The Reverend, care being taken to include the article.
The gentleman's card should have his private address, or that of his club if he be a batchelor, inscribed
on the right hand corner.




CARDS.


341


THE LADY'S CARD.


044(d. Alndtz"Ie S&I"Zed.


--


A widow has no right to retain her husband's
initials, and her card should read:




&ta. &G,4e




The object of retaining the husband's initials during
the life of the husband is to prevent confusion in cases
where several sons in the same family are married,




342


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


MOTHER'S AND DA UGHTER'S CARD.
It is customary for the mother who has daughters
just entering society to have their names placed upon
her card.




CA,,G1.,   Q/ a  &/
CA, Md C4 " Z




This is generally considered to be the most correct
style-for a young lady to have her name upon her
chaperon's card during the first year of her entrance
into society. In England, an unmarried lady never
has a card bearing her own name solely.
THE UNMARRIED LADY'S CARD.
It is, however, entirely correct, in this country, for
a young lady who has been a year or so in society to
have a card of her own.




CARDS.


343


Q4e 6dg/a4.,IPI


HUSBAND AND- WIFE.
Formerly, husband and wife had their names on the
same card; but this is now seldom done, except for
weddings or the sending of wedding presents, or some
similar case, in which both names are united for a
single purpose. The following is the correct size:.. (  M@  /ac agd/




344


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


RECEPT1ON CARDS.
It is customary for a lady to set apart certain days
during the season for receiving her friends.




1%F
II"I
\1 -\'


v
v
9
$
I'
v
^^
N*


-


The custom here shown of setting apart a certain
day in the week is to facilitate the operation of calling,
and to infuse some system into what would otherwise




CARDS.                  345
be chaotic, and without this plan it would be almost
impossible for a caller to be sure of finding the lady
of the house "at home."
The words Tuesday, 5 to 8, implies that the lady
will be "at home" to her friends on that. day and between those hours.
TEA AND COFFEE CARDS, ETC.
The great popularity of afternoon teas, and evening
coffees, has given rise to the necessity of a style of
card which shall act as an invitation without the
necessity of using the formality of a letter.
54.   Qt0. cG{b    <    ^
Coffee, 8 to 10.             4017  Chicago Street,
P. P..C CARDS.
P. P. C., or Pour Prendre Conge, meaning to take
one's leave, are used in cases where people are leaving town for any length of time, or going away from
watering places or other such temporary residences.
They may be sent by mail, if one has not the time or
opportunity of making the call in person.




346


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


MOURNING CARDS.
Those who are in mourning should have cards with
a black border, varying in depth according to the
nearness of the relationship of the deceased. In such
cases the friends of the bereaved family should leave
their cards at the door. These are known as cards of
condolence.
The custom of cornering or turning down cards is
out of fashion. In cases in which there are several
ladies in the house it is usual for the caller to leave
two cards. The wife usually leaves her husband's
card, or those of any of the male members of her
family. These should be left upon the hall table at
the termination of the call.
First calls should be returned within a week, if
possible. In making a first call, one card should be
left for each lady of the family. A married lady
should leave two of her husband's cards.
It is well to leave cards upon the hall table even
when one is admitted to the presence of the lady of
the house, as it serves to remind her that the call has
been made, and also serves as a reminder for the return call.
In calling upon a friend who is staying at the house
of a stranger, cards should be left for the latter, as a
mark of politeness.
Ceremonious calls should be made between the hours
of four and six; but during the winter months an hour
earlier is permissible.
The older residents of a city should call first on the
new-comer, and if the caller simply leaves her cards
then the lady called upon merely does likewise.




CARDS.                   347
Formal calls should not extend beyond fifteen or
twenty minutes, or half an hour, under the most favorable circumstances.
MISCELLANEO US INVI TA TIONS-( Engrcaed).
TO A DANCING PARTY.
CoQ4. #l id.... Kz1         Cz
TO A SUPPER.
/Reee 0 Gye5az- 'zIle iewl
4<2B</uZ~selo aelf, e offs ffe  t
QZ #{)zcz to COA
^r




348


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


THE ART OF LEA VE-TAKING.
When Madame de Stael visited Weimar, with the
avowed intention of intellectually capturing Goethe
and Schiller, she made one fatal mistake-she staid too
long. Goethe afterward wrote to Schiller: "Madame
de Stael is a bright, entertaining person, but she ought
to know when it is time to go." Besides not knowing
when to go, it is evident, from incidents in her journey,
that she did not know how to go. She lingered after she
had started. It is recorded of her that at one place,
after she had ordered her carriage, early in the morning, and announced her intention of departing, she
commenced a conversation which she vigorously kept
up until it was so near noon that her host and hostess
were compelled to ask her to remain to luncheon.
This over, the conversation was resumed and pursued
until the evening, when the horses had to be tAken
from the carriage and the departure, long expected,
did not take place until next day.
Disraeli, in "Lothair," makes Theodora say: "No
one should ever say good-bye, but, in departing, they
should fade away like a summer cloud." Thus it is
that there are always those, even among our most intimate friends, who mar the pleasure we derive in their
society, by not knowing when to go. When a friend
or caller departs we are glad, sorry, or indifferent,
and the art of leave-taking should be so devised as to
leave the best impression possible.
This art is less understood by women than men.
The habits of business, the recognized fact that to a
business man time is money, the throng, press, and
exertions of business life, all tend to make men, who




CARDS.


349


live in cities, the best possible exponents of the art of
leaving quickly and neatly. A business man's social
call usually, on this account, is a model of good
" form."  When he has said what he has to say, and
listened to what there is to hear, he takes his hat and
says, "Good evening," and is out of your presence
without giving you any time or chance for the embarrassing commonplaces of mutual invitations and promises to call again, which are so universal with women.
In striking contrast with this neat and skillful method
of cutting short the parting words of an interview
or call is the too common practice of visitors, who,
commencing to leave, seem temporarily to abandon
their purpose, and linger as though it were a kind of
compliment to appear loath to part company.
Who is there that does not dread the visitor who
starts, then thinks of something else to say; rises, and
then thinks of another subject of conversation; reaches the door, and, while holding it open, proceeds to
freeze himself and his hostess while he delivers his
views on the last elections What a tax on the patience and politeness of the listener, who vainly strives
to stifle the yawn of weariness and disgust.
Equally distressing is the host or hostess who perpetually detains the caller at each attempt he makes
to leave. The art of leaving on the part of the visitor
needs to be supplemented by the art of letting go on
the part of the host. "Welcome the coming, speed
the parting guest" is written on the escutcheon of good
society.








CHAPTER XXXII.


FUNERALS.
=I         -S^   HE saddest of all duties to perform is our duty to the dead.
__i          sgl  It becomes us to show in every
-possible way our sympathies
for the bereaved and the deepest respect for the solemn occasion. Of late, forms of ostentation at funerals are gradually
diminishing,and by some even
mourning habiliments are re-        per  jected in whole or in part.
INYVITATION TO A FUNERAL.
It is customary in cities to
d-d_   E —        give notice of death and announcement of funeral through the newspaper, but for
fear it will not reach all in time, invitations are sent
to personal and family friends of the deceased.
Private invitations are usually printed on fine small
note paper with a heavy black border, and in such
form as the following:


(851)




352          AMERICAN ETIQUET'[.E.


I',' 



FUNERALS.


353


MODEL FUNERAL INVITATION.




[


I


//aa/           / /c     ae ~v '   ^ / W<
4a. John |.             jorbon,
OAr     fo  Chrss C4heau/che
CGyy.      <fro Ch/rist's ChuLrezht
(Or from Christ's Church.)




I




_, I ~ I


It is a breach of good manners not to accept an
invitation to a funeral when one is sent.
FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS.
It is customary to trust the ldetails of the arrangements for a funeral to some relative or friend of the
family; or, if there be none such, it can be safely left




354


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


with the undertaker. It is prudent to name a limit for
the expenses of the funeral, and the means of the
family should of course govern this. Pomp and display should always be avoided. The lesson of death
is too solemn to be made the occasion of mere show.
THE HOUSE OF MOURNING.
Upon entering the house of mourning the hat should
be removed, and all loud talking or confusion avoided.
All differences and quarrels should be forgotten and
enemies who meet at a funeral should treat each other
with respect and dignity. No calls of condolence
should be made upon the bereaved family while the
dead remains in the house, and members of the family
may be excused from receiving any but their most
intimate friends at that time. The bell knob or door
handle is draped with black crape, with a black ribbon
tied on, if the deceased is married or advanced in years,
and with a white ribbon if young or unmarried.
FUNERAL SER VICES.
If the services are held at the house, some near friend
or relative will receive the guests. The immediate
members of the family and near relatives should take
a final view of the corpse just before the arrival of the
guests, and should not make their appearance again
until about time for the services to commence. The
clergyman in taking his position should accommodate
himself to the hearing of all, if possible, but especially
to the family and near relatives, who will probably be
in a room to themselves. In such case he should stand
in the doorway. The guests will have taken a last
look at the corpse before seating themselves, and at




FUNERALS.


the conclusion of the services the coffin lid is closed,
and the remains are borne to the hearse. The custom
of opening the coffin at church, unless the person
is one of distinguished prominence, is fast falling into
disuse.
THE PALL-BEARERS.
The pall-bearers, usually six, but sometimes eight
in number, are generally chosen from the intimate
acquaintances of the deceased, and of nearly the same
age. If they walk to the cemetery, they take their
position in equal numbers on either side of the hearse.
ORDER OF THE PROCESSION.
The carriages containing the clergymen and pallbearers precede the hearse, immediately followed by
the carriages of the nearest relatives, more distant
relatives and friends, respectively. When societies or
masonic bodies take part in the procession they precede the hearse. The horse of a deceased mounted
military officer, fully caparisoned and draped in mourning, will be led immediately after the hearse. As the
mourners pass out to enter the carriages, the guests
stand with uncovered heads. No, salutations are
given or received. The person who officiates as master
of ceremonies assists the mourners to enter and alight
from the carriages. At the cemetery the clergyman
or priest precedes the coffin.
FLORAL DECORATIONS.
The decorations for the coffin are usually flowers,
arranged in a beautiful wreath for a child or young
person, and a cross for a married person. The flowers




356


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


are mostly white. Friends may send floral devices as
a mark of esteem. These should be sent in time for
decorative purposes.
CALLS UPON THE BEREAVED FAMILY.
Friends may call upon the bereaved family in a
week after burial and acquaintances within a month.
It is the custom for friends to wear no bright colors
when making their calls of condolence. Short notes
of condolence may be sent as an expression of sympathy. Formal notes of condolence are no longer
sent.
IIABILIMENTS OF MOURNING.
Custom prescribes some indication of one's bereavement in their dress. They who choose to adopt this
custom may do so with perfect propriety. The widow
dresses in mourning for life, or until a subsequent
marriage. For the loss of a brother or sister or son or
daughter, six months or a year, as they may prefer.




CHAPTER XXXIII.


WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.
n  sT our National Capital,
i  s       where social standing
is determined by offir                   cial rank, there are
some special rules of
etiquette which we
shall briefly notice in
this chapter.
THE PRESIDENT.
The President is regarded as "the first man in the
nation," socially as well as officially. There is no
special set of formalities necessary for forming his
acquaintance. He receives calls, but is not required
to return them. He is addressed as " Mr. President "
or "Your Excellency."
When the President gives up the morning hours to
receiving calls, those who have business with him take
precedence over those who have not. In either case
the caller is summoned into the room occupied by the
President's secretaries. Here he presents his card and
is shown in to the President. Tile person who has no
business with the President simply pays his respects
(357 )




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WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.


359


and withdraws. On a private call it is always better
to secure the services of some official, or friend of the
President, to go with you and introduce you.
RECEPTIONS AT TTHE WHITE HOUSE.
While congress is in session, stated receptions are
given at the White House which all are permitted to
attend. The caller gives his name to the usher upon
entering the reception room. The usher announces
the name, and as the caller approaches the President,
he is introduced by an official appointed for that purpose. Having been presented to the President and
the members of his family, the guest passes on and
mingles in the social intercourse of those assembled.
A caller may leave his card if he wishes.
PRESIDENTIAL STATE DINNERS.
At state dinners given by the President, the same
rules prevail as at any other formal dinner, but precedence is given to the guests according to official
station. An invitation from the President can not be
refused, and it affords a sufficient excuse for breaking
any other engagement; but the parties with whom.you may have other engagements should be informed
of your invitation from the President.
MEMBERS OF THE PRESIDENTIAL FAMILY.
The wife of the President is not obliged to return
calls, though she may visit those who are special
friends, or whom she wishes to honor by her company.
The other members of the President's family may
receive and return calls.




360


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


N.EW YEAR'S RECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
New Year's receptions are the most ceremonious
occasions which occur at the White House. Ladies
appear in the most elegant toilets suitable for a morning reception, and members of foreign legations appear
in the court dress of their respective nationalities.
ORDER OF OFFICIAL RANK.
Next in rank to the President are, the Chief Justice,
the Vice-President, and Speaker of the House of Representatives. These receive the first visits from all
others. Next in order are the General of the Army,
and the Admiral of the Navy. All these, so far mentioned, receive the first call from the representatives.
The wife of any official is entitled to the same social
precedence as her husband. Among officers of the
army and navy, the Lieutenant-General corresponds
to the Vice-Admiral, the Major-General to the RearAdmiral, Brigadier-General to Commodore, Colonel to
Captain in the navy, and so on.
CABINET OFFICERS.
On all ordinary occasions the cabinet officers take
equal rank.   When it becomes necessary in state
ceremony to have some order of precedence, it is as
follows:
Secretary of State, of the Treasury, of War, of the
Navy, the Postmaster-General, Secretary of the Interior, Attorney-General.
The wives of the cabinet officers, or the ladies of the
household, give receptions on every Wednesday during the season, from the first of January till Lent. On




WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.


361


these occasions, all who wish to do so, are at liberty
to call, and refreshments are served. The ladies of
the family are under obligations to return these calls
and leave the cards of the cabinet officers, with an
invitation to an evening reception.
Cabinet officers are expected to entertain, by dinners
and otherwise, senators, representatives and other
high officials and distinguished visitors at Washington,
as well as the ladies of their respective families. Hours
for calling at the capital are usually from two till half
past five.
SENATORS AND REPRESENTATIVES.
It is optional with senators, representatives and all
other officials, except President and cabinet officers,
whether they entertain.


i/...








CHAPTER XXXIV.


FOREIGN TITLES.


1


hN this country where
titles are not handed
down from father to
son, but won, if at all,
by each for himself,
we naturally know,but little of hereditary
titles. In Europe
it is quite different,
and, as many of
our   citizens  go
~ abroad, it will be
well that they be
I   informed upon this
subject.     For, in
Europe, to fail to
give a person his
or her proper title
and one not readily


is a serious breach of manners,
overlooked.




ROYALTY.
The head of the social structure in England is the
King and Queen. They are addressed under the form
"Your Majesty." Second in rank is the Prince of
(863)




364


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Wales, heir apparent to the throne. The other children while in their minority are all known as princes
and princesses.  The eldest of the princesses is tlhe
crown princess. When they attain to their majority the princes become dukes, and the princesses
retain their former title, adding that of their husbands
when they marry. Members of the royal house are
all designated as "Their Royal Highnesses."


THI N OBILI 7 Y.
A duke who inherits the title from his father i, one
grade below a royal duke. The wife of a duke is a
duchess. They are both addressed as "Your Grace."
The eldest son of a duke is styled a marquis until he
comes into possession of his father's title. His wife
is a marchioness. The younger sons of a duke are
by courtesy called lords, and the daughters have the




FOREIGN TITLES.


365


title of lady prefixed to their Christian names. An
earl or a baron is spoken of as a lord, and his wife as
a lady, though to the lady the title of countess or
baroness would rightly belong. The daughters of an
earl are ladies, the younger sons of both earls and
barons are honorables. Bishops receive the title of
lord, but with them it is not hereditary.
THE GENTRY.
Baronets are addressed as "Sirs," and their wives
receive the title of lady; but they are only commoners of a higher degree. A clergyman by right of
his calling stands on an equality with all commoners,
a bishop with all peers.
ESQ UIE.
In England the title of Esquire is not merely an
empty compliment, as it is in this country. The following have a legal right to the title:
The sons of peers, whether known as lords or honorables.
The eldest sons of peers' sons, and their eldest sons
in perpetual descent.
All the sons of baronets.
All esquires of the Knights of the Bath.
Lords of manors, chiefs of clans, and other tenants
of the crown in capite, are esquires by prescription.
Esquires, created to that rank by patent, and their
sons in perpetual succession.
Esquires by office, such as justices of the peace while
on the roll, mayors of towns during mayoralty, and
sheriffs of counties.
Members of the House of Commons.




366


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Barristers at law.
Bachelors of divinity, law and physic.
All who in commissions signed by the sovereign are
ever styled esquires, retain that title for life.
IMPERIAL RANK.
Emperors and empresses rank higher than kings
and queens. The sons and daughters of the Emperor
of Austria are styled archdukes and archduchesses.
EUROPEAN TITLES.
Titles in continental Europe are so common and so
often unsustained by landed or moneyed interests,
that they have not the same significance which they
hold in England. Many who have. inherited high
titles have nothing but the empty name. This is frequently the case in Germany, and still more often so
in Italy.


- - h l ~~7




CHAPTER XXXV.


GAMES, SPORTS AND AMUSEMENTS.
_.. BOO K  designed to treat of
social etiquette, would not be
complete unless all departments of social life were diswill be as careful while engaged in them, as at any
other time, that their conduct may manifest politeness
and refinement. While the same fundamental principles of politeness, unselfishness and regard for others,
govern here as elsewhere, yet the formality of etiquette-if there be any-should be relaxed, and ladies
and gentlemen should engage in games and sports
with perfect freedom and ease. There should be no
rules of propriety to make one feel restrained, and
thus make his actions seem awkward and his speech
halting. Games should be entered into with mirth
and cheerfulness, with the greatest gayety and liveli(367)




368


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


ness-never with restraint. It is not our purpose here
to lay down a set of rules governing the games we wish
to mention; the full rules may be found accompanying the implements of each game. But we may properly describe some of the more popular and common
games and amusements, and give suggestions as to
what is customary, or what are regarded as improprieties.
CHESS.
This is the most popular intellectual game. It is
called the game of the kings. It affords much amusement, sometimes intense excitement, to those who
become practiced players. It is the most profitable of
all indoor games. Requiring thought and quiet it is
improper for either player to make a disturbing noise.
A gentleman playing with a lady, should first assist
her in arranging her pieces, and then arrange his
own. He is not expected to give her advantages
which the rules of the game do not accord to her. It is
regarded by the rules of the game, as improper to
whistle, or hum, or drum with the fingers, or keep
time with the feet. The game should be conducted as
nearly as possible in silence. You should not manifest impatience at your opponent taking his time to
make a move. See that you play strictly according to
the rules adopted, and if victor, play again if your
opponent desire it.
ARCHERY.
Perhaps the most popular outdoor amusement
which can be indulged in by ladies and gentlemen, is
that found with the bow and arrow. In many villages
and cities throughout the country archery clubs have




GAMES, SPORTS AND AMUSEMENTS.


369


been formed, and with American young people the
practice of archery has become one of the most
delightful and profitable of sports.


IMJPLEMENTS FOR ARCHERY.
The implements required for archery are the bow,
arrows, target, a quiver pouch and belt, an arm-guard




370


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


or brace, a shooting glove or finger tip and a scoring
card.
The bow is from five to six feet long, made of lancewood or locust.   Spanish yew  is considered the
choicest, next comes the Italian, then the English
yew; lancewood and lancewood backed with hickory are used more than any other.  In choosing a
bow, you will find that the best you can afford will
prove the cheapest in the end. Men should use bows
six feet long, pulling from forty to sixty pounds; and
ladies, bows of five feet or five feet six inches in length,
pulling from twenty-five to forty pounds. The target
consists of a circular, thick mat of straw, from two to
four feet in diameter, covered with canvas, painted in
a series of circles. The inner circle is a gold color,
then comes red, white, black and the outer circle
white. The score for a gold hit is nine; the red, seven;
the inner white, five; the black, three; and the outer
white, one. The arrows should be of uniform thickness
throughout, being generally made of pine; the finest
grades are made of white deal, and every arrow should
have a sharp point of iron or brass; they are from
twenty to thirty inches in length. The quiver-belt is
worn around the waist and contains the arrows which
are being used. A shooting glove is worn on the right
hand to protect the fingers from soreness in drawing
the string of the bow.
ARCHERY CLUBS.
It is by organization into clubs, that archery is made
a game. The clubs are about equally divided as to
ladies and gentlemen, and have their prescribed offi
cers and rules. Each member of the club is expected




GAMES, SPORTS AND AMUSEMENTS.


371


to furnish his own implements, and to attend all the
practice meetings and prize shootings. Besides the
officers usual to all other organizations, the club has a
field marshal, whose duties are to place the targets,
measure the shooting distances and have a general
supervision of the field; a scorer, who shall keep a
score of each individual member, and a lady paramount, who acts as umpire, and, as highest officer in
the club, is judge of all disputes. In practice meetings there should be one target for every six or eight
persons. The targets may be placed at any required
distance, from thirty to one hundred yards,-ladies
being generally allowed about one-fourth the distance
in shooting. An equal number of ladies and gentlemen occupy one target, and each shoot a certain
number of arrows, from three to six, a score being
kept as the target is hit.
LADIES' COSTUME
May be more brilliant than the ordinary walking
dress, and should be made short enough for convenience in movement, and so as to give free and easy
motion of the arms.
BOATING.
Where there is water to admit of it, boating is found
an enjoyable and profitable recreation. It may be
pursued by both ladies and gentlemen. As there is
considerable danger in sailing, no gentleman should
think of inviting ladies to ride with him on the water,
unless he is thoroughly capable of managing the boat.
This requires tact and experience. Rowing is safer
and is a healthful and delightful exercise, and many




372          AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.




GAMES, SPORTS AND AMUSEMENTS.


373


ladies become experts at the art. But care should be
taken in not overloading the boat. Every gentleman
should know how to row, as it is a knowledge easily
acquired. If one inexperienced in rowing goes out
with others in a boat, he should refrain from any
attempt to row, as it may render the ride uncomfortable to his companions. It is polite to offer a friend the
"stroke" oar, as it is regarded as the post of honor.
A lady's dress in rowing should give perfect freedom
to her arms; she should have a short skirt, stout boots,
and a hat with sufficient brim to protect her from the
sun.
LAWN TENNIS.
This is one of the most ancient of games. The
ancient Greeks and Romans played it, and ever since,
with varying intermissions, it has been a favorite game
in many countries of Europe. There are many points
in favor of tennis to commend it to popular favor. It
is a game for both ladies and gentlemen, with equal
chances in.favor of the ladies carrying off the palm.
The exercise is not of an exhausting character, and
affords ladies a training in easy and graceful movements.
The requisites for playing are, a lawn of level surface about forty-five by one hundred feet, as the
"court," upon which the playing is done, is twentyseven by seventy-eight feet; a net four or five feet
high and twenty-seven feet long, which divides the
court; a ball of india rubber and a "racket."
The uses of the net, the ball and the racket, may
be found in the rules which accompany the implements.




374


374       AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


I




GAMES. SPORTS AND AMUSEMENTS.


375,


PICNICS.
At picnics, while ladies and gentlemen will not forret to be polite and courteous, forms and ceremonies
-%,rIS  Aata      s —sS  H


are thrown aside. Men and women engage in these
days of pleasure that they may escape, for a time, the
cares of business, and the restraints of formal society,
so at such times it is the duty of all to make the occa



376


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


sion one of gayety and mirth. Formal introductions
and ceremonies should not stand in the way of enjoyment. The ladies should provide the luncheon or
dinner, and invent whatever they can in the way of
enjoyment for the gentlemen. The gentlemen at such
times are not only the guides and escorts of the ladies,
but their servants as well, and they should perform
such services for the ladies, in the way of procuring
flowers, carrying baskets, etc, as may be requested.
Tt is their duty to provide conveyances to and from
the place of the festivities, to make all arrangements
necessary in the way of providing music, games, boats,
and whatever else is needed to add to the pleasure of
the day.
ETIQUETTE OF CARD PLAYING.
We will note here some of the ordinary rules of
politeness to be observed in card playing:
Never urge any one, who seems to be unwilling, to
play a game of cards.' They may have conscientious
scruples in the matter, which should be respected.
If you do not understand the game it is proper to
refuse to play. But if you know how, and have no
scruples of conscience, you should not refuse, if a
game can not be made up without you.
Guests should not call for cards. It is the privilege
of the host or hostess to suggest them.
Never finger the cards while they are being dealt,
nor take them up until they are all dealt out.
Never hurry any one who is playing. In endeavoring to play their best, they should be allowed their
own time without interruption.




GAMES, SPORTS AND AMUSEYENTS.      377
Betting at cards is vulgar; it is nothing less than
gambling, and should be always scrupulously avoided.
If the players wish quiet, that they may play well,
do not suggest, or.lep up a conversation, or make
any noise which will distract your own mind, or the
minds of others, from the game.








CHAPTER XXXVI.


THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.
/'..kANGUAGE means, in a general
sense, any method of communiH  i   eating thought. Man commonly
l; i         accomplishes it through the orl                ~ganls of sight and hearing, and
rs-.            t  sometimes by the sense of touch,.. -  ':   but it is especially sight which
conveys the most intelligence to the mind,: and by its medium are the greatest impressions made. What more pleasing to our
s senses than beautiful flowers-their form,
their great variety, and sometimes sharp
^,^    but harmonic contrast of color, and their
fragrance! And how attractive to the
youngest as well as the oldest-the well or
sick-in trouble or in happiness! To the
person of leisure, or to one utterly weary in body or
mind, what more welcome than some sweet, fragrant
flower-a pansy, or a carnation, even!-and it is an
elegant custom, by which flowers, the beautiful part
of creation, are made to express sentiments of love,
tributes of affection, and premiums of honor, valor
and fame.


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THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.


38:1


The following is the language of flowers:
Acacia. Concealed love.
Acacia, Rose. Friendship.
Acanthus. Arts.
Adonis Vernalis. Bitter memories.
Agnus Castus. Coldness.
Agrimony. Thankfulness.
Almond. Hope.
Aloe. Superstition.
Althea. Consumed by love.
Alyssum, Sweet. Worth beyond beauty.
Amaranth. Immortality.
Amaryllis. Splendid beauty.
Ambrosia. Love returned.
Anemone. Expectation.
Anemone, Garden. Forsaken.
Angelica. Inspiration.
Apocynum, (Dogbane). Inspiration.
Apple. Temptation.
Apple Blossom. Preference.
Arbor Vitae. Unchanging friendship.
Arbutus, Trailing. Welcome.
Arnui. Ardor.
Ash. Grandeur.
Ash, Mountain. tPrudence.
Aspen Tree. Lamentation.
Asphodel. Regrets beyond the grave.
Aurilica. Avarice.
Azalea. Romance.
Bachelors' Button. Hope in love.
Balm. Sympathy.
Balm of Gilead. Healing
Balsam. Impatience.
Barberry. Sharpness; satire.




382


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Basil. Hatred.
Bay Leaf. No change till death.
Beech. Prosperity.
Bee Ophrys. Error.
Bee Orchis. Industry.
Bell Flower. Gratitude.
Belvidere, Wild (Licorice). I declare against you
Bilberry. Treachery.
Birch Tree. Meekness.
Black Bryony. Be my support.
Bladder-Nut Tree. Frivolous amusements.
Blue Bottle. Delicacy.
Borage. Bluntness.
Box. Constancy.
Briers. Envy.
Broken Straw. Constancy.
Broom. Neatness.
Buckbran. Calm repose.
Bugloss. Falsehood.
Burdock. Importunity.
Buttercup. Riches.
Cactus. Thou lovest me.
Calla Lilly. Feminine beauty.
Calycanthus. Benevolence.
Camelia. Pity.
Camomile. Energy in action.
Candytuft, Indifference.
Canterbury Bell. Gratitude.
Cape Jasmine Gardenia. Transport; ecstasy.
Cardinal Flower. Distinction.
Carnation, Yellow. Disdain.
Catchfly (Silene), Red. Youthful love.
Catchfly, White. I fall a victim.
Cedar. I live for thee.
Cedar of Lebanon. Incorruptible.




THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.


383


Celandine. Future joy.
Cherry Tree. Good education.
Chickweed. I cling to thee.
Chickory. Frugality.
China Aster. I will think of thee.
China, Pink. Aversion.
Chrysanthemum, Rose. In love.
Chrysanthemum, White. Truth.
Chrysanthemum, Yellow. Slighted love.
Cinquefoil. Beloved child.
Clematis. Artifice.
Clover, Red. Industry.
Coboea. Gossip.
Coxcomb. Foppery.
Colchium. My best days fled.
Coltsfoot. Justice shall be done you.
Columbine. Folly.
Columbine, Purple. Resolved to win.
Columbine, Red. Anxious.
Convolvulus Major. Dead hope.
Convolvulus Minor. Uncertainty.
Corchorus. Impatience of happiness.
Coreopsis. Love at first sight.
Coriander. Hidden merit.
Corn. Riches.
Cornelian Cherry Tree. Durability.
Coronilla. Success to you.
Cowslip. Pensiveness.
Cowslip, American. My divinity.
Crocus. Cheerfulness.
Crown Imperial. Majesty.
Currants. You please me.
Cypress. Mourning.
Cypress and Marigold. Despair.
Daffodil. Chivalry.




384


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Dahlia. Forever thine.
Daisy, Garden. I share your feelings.
Daisy, Michaelmas. Farewell.
Daisy, Red. Beauty unknown to possessor.
Daisy, White. Innocence.
Daisy, Wild. I will think of it.
Dandelion. Coquetry.
Daphne Mezereon. I desire to please.
Daphne Odora. I would not have you otherwise.
Dead Leaves. Sadness.
Diosma. Usefulness.
Dittany. Birth.
Dock. Patience.
Dodder. Meanness.
Dogwood Flowering (Cornus). Am I indifferent to you?
Ebony. Hypocrisy.
Eglantine. I wound to heal.
Elder. Compassion.
Elm. Dignity.
Endine. Frugality.
Epignea, Repeus (May Flower). Budding beauty.
Eupatorium. Delay.
Evening Primrose. Inconstancy
Evergreen. Poverty.
Everlasting (Graphalium). Never-ceasing memory.
Filbert. Reconciliation.
Fir Tree. Elevation.
Flax. I feel your kindness.
Flora's Bell. Without pretension.
Flowering Reed. Confide in heaven.
Forget-me-not. True love.
Foxglove. Insincerity.
Fraxinella. Fire.
Frittillaria, (Guinea-hen Flower). Persecution.
Furze. Anger.




THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.


386


Fuchsia. The ambition of my love thus plagues itself.
Fuchsia, Scarlet. Taste.
Gardenia. Transport; ecstacy.
Gentian, Fringed. Intrinsic worth.
Geranium, Apple. Present preference.
Geranium, Ivy. Your hand for next dance.
Geranium, Nutmeg. I expect a meeting.
Geranium, Oak. Lady, deign to smile.
Geranium, Rose. Preference.
Geranium, Silver Leaf. Recall.
Gilly-flower. Lasting beauty.
Gladiolus. Ready armed.
Golden Rod. Encouragement.
Gooseberry. Anticipation.
Goosefoot. Goodness.
Gorse. Endearing affection.
Grape. Charity.
Grass. Utility.
Guelder Rose (Snowball). Writer.
Harebell. Grief.
Hawthorn. Hope.
Heart's Ease. Think of me.
Heart's Ease, Purple. You occupy my thoughts,
Hazel. Reconciliation.
Heath. Solitude.
Helenium. Tears.
Heliotrope, Peruvian. I love; devotion.
Hellebore. Scandal.
Henbane. Blemish.
Hepatica. Confidence.
Hibiscus. Delicate beauty.
Holly. Foresight.
Hollyhock. Fruitfulness.
Hollyhock, White. Female ambition.
Honesty (Lunaria). Sincerity.




386


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Honeysuckle. The bond of love.
Honeysuckle, Coral. The color of my fate.
Honeysuckle, Monthly. I will not answer hastily.
Hop. Injustice.
Hornbeam. Ornament.
Horse-chestnut. Luxury.
House-leek. Domestic economy
Houstonia. Content.
Hoya (Wax Plant). Sculpture.
Hyacinth. Jealousy.
Hyacinth, Blue. Constancy.
Hyacinth, Purple. Sorrow.
Hydrangea. Heartlessness.
Tee Plant. Your looks freeze me.
Indian Cress. Resignation.
Ipomaco. I attach myself to you.
Iris. Message.
Iris, German. Flame.
Ivy. Friendship; matrimony.
Jessamine, Cape. Transient joy.
Jessamine, White. Amiability.
Jessamine, Yellow. Grace; elegance
Jonquil. Return my affection.
Judas Tree. Betrayed.
Juniper. Perfect loveliness.
Kalamia, (Mountain Laurel). Treachery.
Kennedia. Intellectual beauty.
Laburnum. Pensive beauty.
Lady's Slipper. Capricious beauty.
Lagerstroema, (Cape Myrtle). Eloquence.
Lantana. Rigor.
Larch. Boldness.
Larkspur. Fickleness.
Laurel. Glory.
Laurestine. I die of neglect.




THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.


381


Lavender. Distrust.
Lemon Blossom. Discretion.
Lettuce. Cold hearted.
Lilac. First emotion of love.
Lilac, White. Youth.
Lily. Purity; modesty.
Lily of the Valley. Return of happiness.
Lily, Day. Coquetry.
Lily, Water. Eloquence.
Lily, Yellow. Falsehood.
Linden Tree. Conjugal love.
Live Oak. Liberty.
Liverwort. Confidence.
Locust. Affection beyond the grave.
London Pride. Frivolity.
Lotus. Forgetful of the past.
Love in a Mist. You puzzle me.
Love Lies Bleeding. Hopeless, not heartless,
Lucerne. Life.
Lungwort (Pulmonaria). Thou art my life.
Lupine. Imagination.
Lychnis. Religious enthusiasm
Iythrum. Pretension.
Madder. Calumny.
Maiden's Hair. Discretion.
Magnolia, Chinese. Love of nature.
Magnolia, Grandiflora. Peerless and proud.
Magnolia, Swamp. Perseverance.
Mallow. Sweetness.
Mandrake. Honor,
Maple. Reserve.
Marigold. Cruelty.
Marigold, African. Vulgar-minded.
Marigold, French. Jealousy.
Marjoram. Blushes,




388


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Marshmallow. Beneficence.
Marvel of Peru, (Four o'clock). Timidity.
Meadow Saffron. My best day's gone.
Meadow Sweet. Usefulness.
Mignonette. Your qualities surpass your charms.
Mimosa. Sensitiveness
Mint. Virtue.
Mistletoe. I surmount all difficulties.
Mock Orange, (Syringa). Counterfeit.
Monkshood. A deadly foe is near.
Moonwort. Forgetfulness.
Morning Glory. Coquetry
Moss. Material love.
Motherwort. Secret love.
Mourning Bride, (Scabious). Unfortunate attachment.
Mouse-ear Chickweed. Simplicity.
Mulberry, Black. I will not survive you.
Mulberry, White. Wisdom.
Mullen. Good nature.
Mushroom. Suspicion.
Mush Plant. Weakness.
Mustard Seed. Indifference.
Myosotis. Forget me not.
Myrtle. Love.
Narcissus. Egotism.
Nasturtium. Patriotism.
Nettle. Cruelty; slander.
Night Blooming Cereus. Transient beauty.
Nightshade. Bitter truth.
Oak. Hospitality.
Oats. Music.
Oleander. Beware.
Orange. Generosity.
Orange Flower. Chastity.
Orchis. Beauty.




THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.


389


Osier. Frankness.
Osmunda. Dreams.
Pansy. Think of me.
Parsley. Entertainment.
Pasque Flower. Unpretentious.
Passion Flower. Religious fervor.
Pea. Appointed meeting.
Pea, Everlasting. Wilt go with me?
Pea, Sweet. Departure.
Peach Blossom. My heart is thine.
Pear Tree. Affection
Peony. Anger.
Pennyroyal. Flee away.
Periwinkle. Sweet memories.
Persimmon. Bury me amid nature's beauties.
Petunia. Am not proud.
Peasant's eye. Sorrowful memories.
Phlox. Our souls united.
Pimpernal. Change.
Pine. Time.
Pine Apple. You are perfect.
Pine, Spruce. Farewell.
Pink. Pure affection.
Pink, Clove. Dignity.
Pink, Double-red. Pure, ardent love.
Pink, Indian. Aversion.
Pink, Mountain. You are aspiring.
Pink, Variegated. Refusal.
Pink, White. You are fair.
Pink, Yellow. Disdain.
Plane Tree. Genius.
Pleurisy Root (Asclepias). Heartache cure.
Plum Tree. Keep promise.
Plum Tree, Wild. Independence.
Polyanthus. Confidence.




390


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Poplar, Black. Courage
Poplar, White. Time.
Poppy. Consolation.
Poppy, White. Sleep of the heart.
Pomegranate. Foolishness.
Pomegranate Flower. Elegance.
Potato. Beneficence.
Pride of China (Melia). Dissension.
Primrose. Early youth.
Primrose, Evening. Inconstancy.
Print. Mildness.
Pumpkin. Coarseness.
Quince. Temptation.
Ragged Robin (Lychnis). Wit.
Ranunculus. Radiant with charms.
Reeds. Music.
Rhododendron. Agitation.
Rose. Beauty.
Rose, Austrian. Thou art all that is lovely.
Rose, Barolina. Love is dangerous.
Rose, Bridal. Happy love.
Rose, Burgundy. Unconscious beauty.
Rose, Cabbage. Love's ambassador.
Rose, Campion. Only deserve my iove.
Rose, Clina. Grace.
Rose, Daily. That smile I would aspire to.
Rose, Damask. Freshness.
Rose, Dog. Pleasure and pain.
Rose, Hundred Leaf. Pride.
Rose, Inermis. Ingratitude.
Rose, Maiden's Blush. If you do love me you will find me out.
Rose, Moss. Superior merit.
Rose, Multiflora. Grace.
Rose, Musk-cluster. Charming.
Rose, Sweetbriar. Sympathy.




THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.


391


Rose, Tea. Always lovely.
Rose, Unique. Call me not beautiful.
Rose, White. I am worthy of you.
Rose, White (withered). Transient impression.
Rose, Wild. Simplicity.
Rose, Yellow. Decrease of love.
Rose, York and Lancaster. War.
Roses, Garland of. Reward of virtue.
Rosebud. Young girl.
Rosebud, Moss. Confessed love.
Rosebud, White. The heart that knows not love.
Rosemary. Your presence revives me.
Rue. Disdain.
Rush. Docility.
Saffron. Excess is dangerous.
Sage. Esteem.
Sardonia. Irony.
Satinflower (Lunaria). Sincerity.
Scabious, Mourning Bride. Widowhood.
Sensitive Plant. Timidity.
Service Tree. Prudence.
Snapdragon. Presumption.
Snowball. Thoughts of heaven.
Snowdrop. Consolation.
Sorrel. Wit ill timed.
Southernwood. Jesting.
Spearmint. Warm feelings.
Speedwell, Nerevica.  Female fidelity.
Spindle Tree. Your image is engraved on my heart.
Star of Bethlehem. Reconciliation.
Starwort, American. Welcome to a stranger.
St. John's Wort (Hypericum). Superstition.
Stock, Ten-week. Promptitude.
Stramonium, Common. Disguise.
Strawberry. Perfect excellence.




392


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Strawberry Tree (Arbutis). Esteemed love.
Sumac. Splendor.
Sunflower, Fall. Pride.
Sunflower, Dwarf. Your devout admirer.
Sweet Sultan. Felicity.
Sweet William. Artifice.
Sycamore. Curiosity.
Syringa. Memory.
Tansy. I declare against you.
Teasel. Misanthropy.
Thistle. Austerity.
Thorn Apple. Deceitful charms.
Thorn, Black. Difficulty.
Thorns. Severity.
Thrift. Sympathy.
Throatwood (Pulmonaria). Neglected beauty.
Thyme. Activity.
Tiger Flower. May pride befriend thee.
Touch-me-not, Balsam. Impatience.
Truffle. Surprise.
Trumpet Flower. Separation.
Tuberose. Dangerous pleasures.
Tulip. Declaration of love.
Tulip Tree. Rural happiness.
Tulip, Variegated. Beautiful eyes.
Tulip, Yellow. Hopeless love.
Turnip. Charity.
Valerian. Accommodating disposition.
Venus' Flytrap. Caught at last,
Venus' Looking-Glass. Flattery.
Verbena. Sensibility.
Vine. Intoxicating.
Violet, Blue. Love.
Violet, White. Modesty.
Violet, Yellow. Modest worth.




THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.


393


Virgin's Bower. Filial love.
Wall Flower. Fidelity.
Walnut. Stratagem.
Weeping Willow. Forsaken.
Wheat. Prosperity.
Woodbine. Fraternal love.
Wood Sorrel. Joy.
Wormwood. Absence.
Yarrow. Cure for heartache.
Yew. Sorrow.
Zennee. Absent friends.
4K.








CHAPTER XXXVII.
PRECIOUS STONES.
OMANCE and imagination have
ascribed to the various precious
stones different significations.
Many curious and interesting
things might be said of the
esteem  in which various persons hold this custom.      For
instance, some people are very solicitous to secure
appropriate stones for presents, lest the health, life or
prosperity of the donee should thereby be injured.
January - Garnet. Constancy and Fidelity.
February - Amethyst. Sincerity.
March - Bloodstone. Courage.
April - Sapphire. Repentance.
May    Emerald. Success in love.
June - Agate. Health and long life.
July - Ruby. Forgetfulness of, and exemption from vexations
caused by friendship and love.
August - Sardonyx. Conjugal Fidelity.
September - Chrysolite.  Freedom from evil passions and
sadness of the mind.
October - Opal. Hope and Faith.
(395 )




396


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


November- Topaz. Fidelity and friendship.
December -- Turquoise. Prosperity.
Diamond. Innocence.
Pearl. Purity.
Cornelian. Contented mind.
Moonstone. Protects from danger.
Heliotrope. Causing the owner to  k ',lk invisible.
s.~~




CHAPTER XXXVIII.


TOILET RECIPES.
TO BEAUTIFY THE HAIR.
HE hair may be made more beautiful or darkened by taking four
ounces of good bay rum, two
ounces of olive oil, and one dram of
the oil of almonds; mix and shake
well and apply frequently.
TO CLEANSE THE HAIR.
Beat up the yolk of an egg with a pint of
soft water; apply it warm; rub briskly
for several minutes, and then rinse with
-       clean soft water.
Another method is to take one ounce
of borax and half an ounce of camphor.
Powder these ingredients fine and dissolve in one quart of boiling water. When
cool, the solution will be ready for use. Dampen the
hair with this frequently. It is claimed that this not
only effectually cleanses and beautifies, but strengthens
the hair, preserves the color and prevents baldness.
TO REMOVE DANDRUFF.
Take a piece of gum camphor as large as a chestnut
and place it in one pint of alcohol. This camphorizes
(897)




898


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


the alcohol. The mixture may be perfumed to suit
the individual. Wet the scalp with this daily. It
will stimulate the scalp, promote the growth of the
hair, and in many instances prevent it from falling
out.
TO PRESERVE THE HAIR.
Men should have their hair cut short if it begins to
fall out, give it a good brushing with a moderately
stiff brush while the hair is dry; then wash it well
with a suds of castile soap and tepid water, and rub
into the scalp, about the roots of the hair, a little bay
rum, brandy or camphor water, twice a month. It is
well to brush the scalp twice a week. Dampen the
hair with pure soft water every time the toilet is made.
TO PREVENT THE HAIR FROM TURNING GRAY.
One-half ounce sugar of lead, one-half ounce lao
sulphur, one ounce glycerine, one quart rain water.
Saturate the hair and scalp with this two or three
times per week and you will soon have a head free
from gray hairs and dandruff, while the hair will be
soft and glossy.
The head should be kept cool by using, occasionally, sage tea with a little borax added. Apply with
a small sponge to every part of the head just before
dressing the hair.
CURE FOR BALDNESS.
If the head has become bald, and the hair will grow
at all, it may be restored by washing the head well
every morning with the following: Four large handfuls of the stem and the leaves of the garden-box,




TOILET REOIPES.


boiled in three pints of water in a closely covered
vessel for fifteen minutes, and allowed to stand in an
earthen jar ten hours or more; then strain the liquid
and add one ounce and a half of cologne.
TO RESTORE GRAY HAIR.
Hair may be restored to its natural color and beautified by the daily use of the following: Five grains
sulphurate of potassium, half an ounce glycerine, one
ounce tincture of acetate of iron and one pint of soft
water. Mix and let the bottle stand open until the
smell of potassium has disappeared, and then add a
few drops attar of roses. The hair should be rubbed
with a little of this daily.
Bathing the head in a weak solution of ammonia,
an even teaspoonful of carbonate of ammonia to a
quart of water, washing the head thoroughly with
this, and brushing the hair while wet, is said to
restore color.
A strong solution of rock-salt has restored gray
hair. Take two tablespoonfuls to a quart of boiling
water, and let it stand until cool before using.
HAIR REMOVED BY FEVERS.
If the hair has been removed by fevers, it may be
made to grow by washing the scalp two or three
times a day with a strong decoction of sage leaves.
TONIC FOR THE HAIR.
Two ounces of French brandy, two of bay rum and
one ounce of the best castor oil well mixed, is an
excellent tonic for the hair.




400


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE


CURLING AND CRIMPING THE HAIR.
Most all curling fluids are mere impositions, but
with a weak solution of isinglass a firm and perpetual
form may be given to the hair. This solution is
inoffensive.
BRUSHING THE HAIR.
The hair should be well brushed every day in order
to keep it in perfect condition. Always use the best
brushes; they are the cheapest in the end. Use the
brush very rapidly and for about five minutes. A
celebrated beauty said, "the hair should receive one
hundred strokes a day, and they should be applied in
three minutes time."
THE GERMANS' TREATMENT OF THE HAIR.
German women are noted for their luxuriant hair.
Once every two weeks they wash the head thoroughly
with a quart of soft water in which a handful of bran
and a little white soap has been dissolved; then the
yolk of an egg, slightly beaten, is rubbed into the
roots of the hair; this is let remain a few minutes, and
then washed and rinsed carefully in soft water. The
hair is then wiped and dried thoroughly, combed up
from the forehead, and parted with the fingers. After
drying, apply a little pomatum made of beef marrow
boiled in a small quantity of olive oil slightly perfumed. Do this near the fire in the winter or in a very
warm room.
HAIR DYE.
A liquid that will color the human hair black and
not stain the skin may be had by taking one part of
bay rum, three parts of olive oil, and one part of good
brandy by measure. Wash the hair with this mix



TOILET RECIPES.


401


ture every morning. In a short time the hair will be
a beautiful black, and not injured in the least. Mix
in a bottle, and shake well before applying. The
articles must be of the best quality.
A French hair dye is made as follows: Melt together
in a bowl set in boiling water, four ounces of white
wax in nine ounces of olive oil, stirring in when melted
two ounces of burnt cork in powder. To apply, put
on old gloves, cover the shoulders carefully, and
spread on like pomade, brushing in well through the
hair. Give it a brown tint by steeping an ounce of
walnut black, tied in coarse muslin, in the almond
oil, one week before boiling.
HAIR OILS AND POMADES.
Mix equal parts sweet oil and cold pressed castor
oil, and to each pint of the mixture add one-fourth
pint brandy and the same of cologne.
Procure a tall glass vessel, dip cotton wool in clear
olive oil, and lay the cotton alternately with jessamine
or other flowers. Let this stand several days, and
when the flowers have imparted their perfume to the
oil, squeeze the oil out of the cotton for use. The
cotton may be laid in drawers or bandboxes where
perfume is required.
Melt one dram of white wax, one of spermaceti, and
two ounces of olive oil; add two ounces of rose water,
and half an ounce of orange flower water.
Six ounces of unsalted lard, four of beef marrow,
and half an ounce of yellow wax melted together and
perfumed while cooling with oil of bergamot or attar
of roses, makes a good and excellent pomatum for
the hair.




402


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Four ounces of spermaceti and one of lard melted
together and perfumed with bergamot and rose water.
Cocoanut oil melted with a little olive oil and
scented as preferred.
Melt together an ounce of spermaceti, one of hog's
lard, one of beef marrow, and add the oil of roses,
bergamot, or any other perfume.
FOR INFLAMED EYELIDS.
Cut a slice of bread as thin as possible; toast both
sides well, but do not burn it; soak it in cold water
until cold, then put it between a piece of old linen,
changing when it gets warm. This may be applied as
often as desired.
Inflamed lids may be reduced by tying a small piece
of ice in the corner of a thin handkerchief, and passing
it back and forth over the closed eye, resting at
intervals, when the cold is intense. This has been
found very efficacious.
BURNED EYEBROWS.
If the eyebrows are burned off by the fire, they may
be caused to grow by applying five grains sulphate of
quinine dissolved in an ounce of alcohol.
HOW TO MAKE BANDOLINE.
Simmer an ounce of quince seed in a quart of
water for forty minutes, strain, and when cool add a
few drops of scent, bottle and cork tightly.
Boil one-fourth of an ounce of Iceland moss in a
quart of water, and add a little rectified spirits to
make it keep weii




TOILET RECIPES.


403


Mix one and a half drams of gum tragacanth and
three ounces of rectified spirits with an equal quantity
of water, and add half a pint of water. Add perfume,
let the mixture stand two days and then strain.
FOR THE CARE OF THE TEETH.
Never allow a particle of food of any kind to remain
between the teeth.
Use the brush before breakfast and after each meal.
Brush lengthwise of the teeth, or up and down, as
well as across.
The brush should not be too stiff nor too soft. The
one will wear the teeth in the course of time, and the
other will not thoroughly cleanse them.
Pure castile soap is better than prepared powders.
Use a goose quill toothpick freely after each meal.
Take two ounces of myrrh in fine powder, two
tablespoonfuls of honey, and a little sage in fine
powder. Mix them well together, and wet the teeth
and gums with a little every night and morning. This
will keep the teeth and gums clean.
TO CLEAN BLACK TEETH.
Pulverize equal parts of salt and cream of tartar, and
mix them thoroughly. After washing the teeth in the
morning, rub them with this powder, and after a few
such applications the blackness will disappear.
TO CLEAN THE TEETH AND GUMS.
Mix a little finely powdered green sage, one ounce
of myrrh in fine powder, with two tablespoonfuls of
honey. Every night and morning, wet the teeth and
gums with a little of this preparation.




404


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


TO BEAUTIFY THE TEETH.
Dissolve two ounces of borax in three pints of boiling water, and add one teaspoonful of spirits of camphor before it is cold; bottle for use. A teaspoonful
of this with an equal quantity of tepid water may be
used every time the teeth are washed.
TOOTHACHE PREVENTIVE.
Use flour of sulphur as a tooth powder every night,
rubbing the teeth and gums with a rather hard tooth
brush. If used also after dinner, all the better. It
preserves the teeth, and does not communicate any
smell whatever to the mouth.
WASH FOR THE TEETH.
The safest, cheapest and most effective tooth wash
is pure soft water and the finest quality of castile
soap; apply with a moderately stiff brush, morning
and evening.
TO MAKE LIP SALVE.
Place a jar in a basin of boiling water. Melt an
ounce each of white wax and spermaceti, flour of
benzoin fifteen grains, and half an ounce of oil of
almonds. Stir until the mixture is cold, and color red
with a little alkanet root.
REMEDY FOR CHAPPED LIPS.
Melt in a glass vessel, and stir with a wooden spoon
one ounce of white wax, four ounces of oil of roses,
and one-half ounce of spermaceti. Pour into a glass or
china cup. Add ten drops of carbolic acid to one
ounce of glycerine, and apply freely at night.




TOILET RECIPES.


405


LOTION TO REMOVE FRECKLES.
Dissolve three grains of borax in five drams of rose
water, and: orange flower water. A very simple and
harmless remedy is equal parts of pure glycerine and
rose water, applied every night and allowed to dry.
TO REMOVE SUNBURN.
A good article to remove sunburn is made by pouring a quart of boiling water upon a handful of bran,
letting it stand. an hour and then strain. Put it in a
pint of bay rum when cold, and wash the face with it
three times every day.
Milk of almonds is recommended as a good remedy.
One pound of ox gall, two drams of borax, one
dram of camphor, one dram of alum, and'half an
ounce of sugar candy, mixed and stirred well for
ten minutes, and strained through blotting paper when
transparent, is also recommended. Bottle for use and
stir several times a fortnight.
TAN.
One-half pint of new milk, one-half ounce of white
brandy, and one-fourth ounce of lemon juice boiled
together, skimmed clean from scum, and used night
and morning, will remove tan
FRECKLES.
Freckles may be removed by applying with a linen
rag, a mixture of one pint of pure alcohol, two gallons
of strong soapsuds, and a quarter of an ounce of
rosemary.
Horse-radish, grated into sweet milk and let stand
ten hours, may be used for the same purpose.




406


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


Finely powdered nitre applied to the freckles with
the moistened finger is very effective.
One ounce of honey mixed with one pint of lukewarm water, and applied when cold, is said to be a
good freckle lotion.
FOR THE COMPLEXION.
Mix in a vial one pint of cherry wine, one dram of
benzoin gum in powder, one dram of nutmeg oil, six
drops of orange-blossom tea. Bathe the face morning
and night; this will give a beautiful complexion.
Apply with a fine linen rag, a mixture of eight
ounces emulsion of almonds, two grains of muriate of
ammonia, and two grains of cascarilla powder.
Mix one spoonful of the best tar in a pint of olive
or almond oil by heating the two together in a tin cup
set in boiling water. Stir till completely mixed and
smooth, putting in more oil if the compound is too
thick to run easily. Rub this on the face when going
to bed, and lay patches of soft cloth on the cheeks
and forehead to keep the tar from rubbing off. The
bed linen must be protected by old sheets folded and
thrown over the pillows. The black, unpleasant mask
washes off easily with warm water and soap. The
skin comes out after several applications, soft, moist,
and tinted like a baby's.  It effaces the marks of
age by affecting incipient wrinkles.
Purchase one-fourth pound of best Jordan almonds,
slip off the skin, mash in a mortar and rub together
with the best white soap for fifteen minutes, and
gradually add one quart of rose water. When the
mixture looks like milk, strain through fine muslin
and apply with a soft rag after washing.




TOILET RECIPES.


407


The whites of four eggs boiled in rose water, half
an ounce of oil of almonds, and half an ounce of
alum, beat together until a consistent paste is formed,
spread upon a silk or muslin mask and worn at night
makes a " mask of beauty."
PIMPLES ON THE FACE.
To remove pimples, wash the face just before going
to bed, with sour milk or butter-milk, and rub
thoroughly with wheat flour when dry. Wash the
face next morning in soft water, and rub vigorously
with coarse towel. Continue this treatment for ten or
twelve days.
Wet the face slightly with a mixture of one dram
of sulphate of zinc and two ounces of rose water. Let
it dry and then rub cream on the affected part.
Dissolve a piece of pulverized alum, the size of a
large hickory nut, in an ounce of lemon juice, and add
an ounce of alcohol. This applied to the face twice a
day will eventually remove pimples.
Two gallons of strong soapsuds, one pint of pure
alcohol, and a quarter of an ounce of rosemary, well
mixed, and applied with a linen rag, is an excellent
remedy for removing pimples, blotches, freckles and
warts.
A half pint of water to which has been added one
tablespoonful of borax, is highly recommended for
ringworm and canker.
FLESH WORMS.
Wash the face in tepid water, rub thoroughly with
a towel, and apply a lotion made of half an ounce of
liquor of potash, and three ounces of cologne. Make
the application with a soft flannel rag.




408


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


SOFT SKIN.
Coarse and stippled skin may be made beautifully
soft by wearing, at night, a mask made of quilted
cotton, wet with cold water. The old skin will be
softened and a new one formed.  It takes several
weeks to accomplish this, and patience is required.
If the skin is oily, bathe it in camphor.
The milky juice of the broken stems of coarse
garden lettuce rubbed over the face at night, and
washed off in the morning with a solution of ammonia,
is highly recommended.
COMPLEXION WASH.
A good and perfectly harmless wash for the complexion can be made by adding one ounce of powdered
gum of benzoin to a pint of whisky; add water
until it becomes milky, and wash hands and face,
allowing it to dry without wiping.
Rub a little warm water and castile soap on the face
with a flannel, once or twice a week, then wash it off
carefully; with the same flannel rub the face gently
every morning, and a great improvement in the complexion will.soon be noticed.
TO PREVENT THE FACE FROM CHAPPING AFTER
SHA VING.
Apply a little diluted vinegar or other acid, or
cologne water, immediately after shaving.
One ounce of sweet oil, one ounce of lime water,
and one drop of oil of roses, is a good preparation.
Shake well before using and apply with the forefinger.




TOILET RECIPES.


409


TO MAKE COLD CREAM.
Twenty grains of white wax, two ounces pure oil of
sweet almonds, one-half ounce pure glycerine, six
drops of oil of roses; melt the first three ingredients
together in a shallow dish over hot water, and as it
begins to cool add the glycerine and oil of roses, and
strain through a piece of muslin. Beat with a silver
spoon until cold and snowy white.
TO REMOVE WRINKLES.
Mix thirty-six grains of turpentine and three drams
of alcohol. Apply and allow it to dry on the face.
The wrinkles will be made less apparent, and possibly
removed.
TO REMOVE STAINS FROM THE HANDS.
Stains made by fruit may be removed by washing
the hands without soap, and holding them over the
smoke of burning matches or sulphur.
When the hands are stained with nitrate of silver,
wash them in a solution of chloride of lime.
FOR CHAPPED HANDS.
Half an ounce of rice flour, three ounces of sweet
almonds. Melt these over a slow fire, keep stirring
until cool, and then add a few drops of rose oil.
Apply freely at night a mixture of one ounce of
glycerine and ten drops of carbolic acid.
An excellent remedy for chapped hands is pure
mutton tallow.
Rub the hands long and well with a thick mixture
of vinegar and Indian meal, dry them near the fire




410


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


without washing, and rub them thoroughly with
glycerine.
Cold cream is good for chapped hands.
TO WHITEN THE HANDS AND ARMS.
Melt together, in a dish over boiling water, four
ounces of honey, two ounces of yellow wax and six
ounces of rose water. Add one ounce of myrrh while
hot. Before going to bed, rub this thickly over the
skin.
A good way to keep the hands white is to wear at
night large cloth mittens filled with wet bran or oat
meal, tied closely at the wrists. A lady can do a great
deal of house work, and by wearing bran mittens
every night, may keep her hands white and soft.
TO WHITEN THE FINGER NAILS.
Mix in a bottle four ounces of spring water, two
drams of dilute sulphuric acid, one of the tincture of
myrrh. Dip the fingers in the mixture, after washing
the hands. Before using this mixture, remove rings
with pearls or stones in them.
A fine color may be given to the nails by lathering
and washing the hands and fingers well with a scented
soap; then rub the nails with equal parts of cinnabar
and emery, followed by oil of bitter almonds.
REMEDY FOR RINGWORM.
Dissolve a piece of sulphate of potash, the size of a
walnut, in one ounce of water. Apply night and
morning for a couple of days, and it will disappear.
Apply a solution of the root of common narrowleafed dock. Use vinegar for the solvent.




TOILET REOIPES.


411


Wash the eruption with a mixture of boiled tobacco
leaves, strong lye and vinegar.
Moisten with saliva and then apply the ashes of a
cigar, repeating frequently until cured.
PERSPIRATION.
The unpleasant odor produced by perspiration is
often the source of vexation to persons who are subject to it. Instead of using costly ingredients and
perfumes, wash the face, hands and arms with water
to which has been added two tablespoonfuls of the
compound spirits of ammonia. It will leave the skin
as clean, sweet and fresh as one could wish. It is
4ery cheap, perfectly harmless, and is recommended
on the authority of an experienced physician.
TO WARD OFF MOSQUITOES.
Apply to the skin a solution made of fifty drops
carbolic acid to an ounce of glycerine. Mosquito
bites may be instantly cured by touching them with
this solution. Add two or three drops of the attar of
roses to disguise the smell. The pure, crystalized
form of the acid has a less powerful odor than the
common preparation.
FOR SOFT CORNS.
Soft corns between the toes may be healed with a
weak solution of carbolic acid.
TO REMOVE CORNS.
Take a lemon, cut a piece of it off, then nick it so as
to let in the toe with corn, the pulp next the corn;
tie this on at night so that it can not move, and the




412


AMERICAN ETIQU ETTE.


next morning a blunt knife will remove the corn to a
great extent. Two or three applications will cure.
A strong solution of pearlash applied to corns will
soften them so that they may be easily drawn out.
INGROWING TOE NAILS.
Cut a notch in the centre of the nail, or scrape it
thin in the middle.
Put a small piece of tallow in a spoon and heat it
over a lamp until it becomes very hot. Drop two or
three drops between the nail and granulations. The
pain and tenderness will be at once relieved, and in a
few days the granulations will all be gone. One or
two applications will cure the most obstinate cases.
If the tallow is properly heated, the operation will
cause little, if any, pain.
TO REiMO VE WARTS.
Dissolve two or three cents worth of sal ammoniac
in a gill of soft water, and wet the warts frequently
with this solution. They will disappear in a week
or two.
Apply a weak solution of potash in the same
manner.
Wash the warts two or three times a day with
strong brine.
REMEDY FOR CHILBLAINS.
Apply common tar to the parts affected, and bind
it up with cloth, so as not to interfere with wearing the
stocking. Wear this five or six days.
Dissolve one ounce of white vitriol in a pint of
water, and bathe the afflicted parts very often.




TOILET RECIPES.


413


Dissolve three handfuls of common salt in warm
water, and bathe the hands and feet in this three times
a week.
Bathe the chilblains in strong alum water, as hot as
can be borne.
When indications of chilblains first present themselves, take three ounces of vinegar, one ounce of
camphorated spirits of wine, mix and rub the parts
affected.
TO REMOVE STAINS FROM SILK.
A fluid for removing greasy stains from silk, may
be prepared by mixing two ounces of rectified spirits
of turpentine, one-fourth ounce of absolute alcohol,
and one-fourth ounce of sulphuric ether.
Apply spirits of ammonia with a soft rag to remove
acid stains from silks.
TO REMOVE STAINS AND SPOTS FROM SILK.
If the soiled part is washed with ether, the grease
will disappear.
Faded color may be restored by passing the silks
through a mixture of fine soap lather and pearlash.
Boil five ounces of soft water and six ounces of
powdered alum for a short time, and pour it into a
vessel to cool. Warm it for use, and wash the stained
part with it and leave it to dry.
TO REMOVE SPOTS OF PITCH AND TAR.
Scrape off all the pitch or tar you can, then saturate
the spots with sweet oil or lard, then rub in well, and
let it remain in a warm place for an hour.




414


AMIERICAN ETIQUETTi.


TO EXTRACT PAINT FROM GARMENTS.
Chloroform is an excellent medium for the removal
of stains of paint from clothes, etc. It is found that
portions of dry white paint, which resisted the action
of ether, benzole, and bi-sulphide of carbon, are at
once dissolved by chloroform. If the paint is fresh,
turpentine or alcohol will remove it.
Saturate the spot with turpentine, let it remain a
number of hours, then rub between the hands; it will
crumble away without injury either to the texture or
color of any kind of woolen, cotton or silk goods.
TO REMOVE STAINS FROM WHITE COTTON GOODS.
Common salt rubbed on ink or fruit stains before
they become dry will extract them.
Apply scalding water, or hartshorn diluted with
warm water, several times to remove fruit stains.
To remove mildew rub in salt and some butter-milk,
and expose to the hot sun. Chalk and soap or lemon
juice and salt are also good. As the spots become
dry rub more on and keep the garments in the sun
until the spots disppear.
Colored cotton goods that have ink spilled on them,
should be soaked in lukewarm sour milk.
TO REMOVE GREASE SPOTS.
Saturate carbonate of magnesia with benzole, and
spread upon a grease spot to about one-third of an
inch in thickness. A sheet of porous paper should be
spread upon the benzonated magnesia, and a flat iron,
moderately warm, put upon the top of all. The heat
of the iron passes through and softens the grease,




TOILET RECIPES.


4156


which is then absorbed by the porous magnesia.
Remove the iron in an hour and brush the magnesia
off.
TO REMOVE GREASE SPOTS FROM WOOLEN GOODS.
Pulverize one ounce of borax, put into a quart of
builing water, and bottle for use. This is excellent.
TO REMOVE INK SPOTS FROM LINEN.
If the spots are comparatively fresh, apply the juice
of lemons and wash out with warm water.
Muriatic acid is a powerful extractor of ink stains,
but is unsafe in the hands of others than experts.
Apply salt immediately, and ink stains may be
prevented.
TO REMOVE FRUIT STAINS.
Soak the spot some time in a mixture of ammonia
and spirits of wine.
Moisten fruit stains and hold over the fumes of a
brimstone match.
TO TAKE MILDEW OUT OF LINEN.
Moisten the linen with soft water, and rub the parts
affected with white soap; then rub powdered chalk
well into the linen, lay it on the grass, and from time
to time, as it becomes dry, wet a little.
Mix soft soap with powdered starch, half as much
salt and the juice of a lemon; apply it to the stain
with a brush, on both sides of the linen. Let the
stained articles lie on the grass day and night till the
stain comes out.




416


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


TO CLEAN SILKS AND RIBBONS.
Take equal quantities of soft lye soap, alcohol or
gin, and molasses. Put the silk on a clean table
without creasing; rub on the mixture with a flannel
cloth. Rinse the silk well in cold, clear water, and
hang it up to dry without wringing. Iron it on the
wrong side before it gets dry.  Silks and ribbons
treated in this way will look very nicely.
The water in which pared potatoes have been boiled
is very good to wash black silks in; it stiffens and
makes them glossy and black.
Ribbons may be cleaned and grease taken out, without changing their color, by using camphene. Dry in
the open air and iron when pretty dry.
TO WASH LACE COLLARS.
Cover a quart bottle with the leg of a soft, firm
stocking, sewing it tightly above and below. Then
wind the collar or lace smoothly around the covered
bottle; sew very carefully around the edge of the
collar or lace with a fine needle and thread, making
every loop fast to the stocking. Shake the bottle up
and down in a pailful of warm soapsuds, and rub the
soiled places occasionally with a soft sponge. Rinse
well the same way in clean water. When the lace is
clean, apply a weak solution of gum arabic and place
the bottle in the sunshine to dry. Take off the lace
carefully when perfectly dry. Instead of ironing, lay
it between the leaves of a heavy book; or, iron on
flannel between a few thicknesses of fine muslin. If
lace collars are done up in this way they will wear
longer, remain clean longer, and have a rich, new,
lacy look.




TOILET RECIPES.


417


HOW TO WHITEN LINEN.
Fruit stains, iron rust and other stains may be
removed by applying a weak solution of the chloride
of lime after the cloth has been well washed. Rinse
in soft, clear, warm water, without soap, and immediately dry in the sun.
Oxalic acid diluted with water will accomplish the
same result.
TO CLEAN WOOLEN.
Immerse the garment in three gallons of cold water,
into which has been put one ox-gall, and squeeze or
pound (not wring) it, until the spots are removed;
then thoroughly wash in cold water to remove the
odor of gall.
TO CLEAN KID GLOVES.
Put the gloves on and wash them as if you were
washing your hands in a basin of turpentine. Hang
them up in a current of air, or in a warm place, where
the smell of the turpentine may be carried away.
Mix one-fourth of an ounce of fluid chloroform, onefourth ounce of carbonate of ammonia, one-fourth
ounce sulphuric ether, and one quart distilled benzine. Pour out a small quantity into a saucer, put
on gloves, and wash as if washing hands, changing
solution until gloves are clean; take off, squeeze
them, replace on hands, and with a clean cloth rub
fingers until they are perfectly fitted to the hand.
This solution is excellent for cleaning clothes, ribbons
and silks. Apply with soft sponge, rubbing gently
until spots disappear. Do not use close to the fire, as
the benzine is very inflammable.




418


AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


TO CLEAN KID BOOTS.
Mix a little white of egg and ink in a bottle so that
it may be well shaken up when required for use.
Apply to the boot with a piece of sponge, and rub
dry. It is better to rub with the palm of the hand.
When the boot shows signs of cracking, rub in a few
drops of sweet oil. Polish the soles and heels with
common blacking.
TO CLEAN PATENT LEATHER BOOTS.
Remove all the dirt upon the boots with a sponge
or flannel, then rub them with a paste consisting of
two spoonfuls of cream and one of linseed oil. Warm
both before mixing. Polish with a soft cloth.
FOR BURNT KID OR LEATHER SHOES.
While still hot, spread soft soap upon them.
When cold, wash it off. The leather may thus be
made nearly as good as ever. The soap softens the
leather and prevents it drawing up.
TO CLEAN JEWELRY.
The best way to clean gold ornaments is to wash
them with warm water and soap, using a soft nail
brush to scrub them with. Dry them in box sawdust,
and let them remain in a bed of this before the fire for
awhile. Treat imitation jewelry in the same manner.
FOR CLEANING SILVER AiND PLATED WARE.
Use the finest impalpable whitening with a little
soft water. Next, wash with rain water, dry and
polish with a piece of soft leather, some rough powder




TOILET RECIPES.


419


or fine whitening, and finally rub down with the hand.
Avoid all violent rubbing, also the use, in cleaning it,
of any ingredient which would wear the silver.
iFlW LADIES CAN MAKE THEIR OWN PERFUMES.
If we spread fresh, unsalted butter upon the inside
of two dessert plates, and then fill one of the plates
with gathered fragrant blossoms of clematis, covering
them over with the second greased plate, we shall find
that after twenty-four hours the grease has become
fragrant. The blossoms, though separated from the
parent stem, do not die for some time, but live to
exhale odor, which is absorbed by the fat. To remove
the odor from the fat, the fat must be scraped off the
plates and put into alcohol; the odor then leaves the
grease and enters into the spirit, which thus becomes
scent," and the grease again becomes colorless. The
flower farmers of the Var follow precisely this method
on a very large scale, making but a little practical variation, with the following flowers: rose, orange, acacia,
violet, jasmine, tube rose and jonquil.
TINCTURE OF ROSES.
Take the leaves of the common rose (centifolia) and
place, without pressing them, in a common bottle;
pour some good spirits of wine upon them, close the
bottle, and let it stand till required for use. This
tincture will keep for years, and yield a perfume little
inferior to attar of roses; a few drops of it will suffice
to impregnate the atmosphere of a room with a delicious odor. Common vinegar is greatly improved by a
very small quantity being added to it.




420


aMERICAN ETIQUETTE.


POT-PO URRI.
Take three handfuls of orange flowers, three of
cloves, carnations or pinks, three of damask roses,
one of marjoram, one of lemon thyme, six bay leaves,
a handful of rosemary, one of myrtle, half a handful
of mint, one of lavender, the rind of a lemon, and a
quarter of an ounce of cloves. Chop these all up, and
place them in layers, with bay salt between the layers,
until the jar is full. Do not forget to throw in the bay
salt with each new ingredient put in, should it not be
convenient to procure at once all the required articles.
The perfume is very fine.
HOW TO MAKE ROSE WATER.
Take two drams of magnesia and one-half an ounce
of powdered white sugar.  Mix with these, twelve
drops of attar of roses; add two ounces of alcohol,
and a quart of water; mix gradually and filter througli
blotting paper.
PUTTING AWAY FURS FOR THE SUMMER.
Sun them well and sprinkle with ground black pepper. Pack them securely in paper flour sacks and
tie them up well.
PROTECTION AGAINST MOTHS.
Clothes closets that have been infested with moths
should be well rubbed with a decoction of tobacco,
and repeatedly sprinkled with spirits of camphor.
A few pieces of paper smeared with turpentine, and
placed in drawers where furs and woolens are kept,
will completely prevent their ravages.




TOIL0ET RECIPES.


421


The odor of turpentine is deadly poison to moths
and their grubs.
One ounce of gum camphor, and one ounce of powdered red pepper, macerated in eight ounces of strong
alcohol for several days, then strained. Sprinkle the
clothes or furs, and roll them up in sheets.
1TO REMOVE A TIGHT RING.
If a ring should get tight on the finger, wind a well
soaped string around the finger. Commence at the
point of the finger, and wind the cord as tight as can
be borne until the ring is reached, then force the end
of the cord between the ring and finger; unwind the
string, and the ring will come off with it.
TO LOOSEN STOPPERS OF TOILET BOTTLES.
Let a drop or two of pure oil flow around the
stopper, and stand the bottle a foot or two from the
fire. After a time tap the stopper smartly, but not
too hard, with the handle of a hair brush. If this is
not effectual, use a fresh drop of oil and repeat the
process. It will certainly succeed.