ILLINOIS
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN
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Rare Book & Manuscript Library University of Illinois Library at Urbana-Champaign 2015WmSTrOCK, Obstetric Ejaculations on, with H	a very rare and curious volume, thin post
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THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY
From "the collection of James Collins, Drumcondra, Ireland. Purchased, 1918.
61 A-475 Ob7L J
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TABLE of CONTENTS.
_ T The Author’s original intention and ideas. Chap. I.—The A«^	& Vaccine Socieiy and
Chap. II—Hi» dUgnst and^«alroenl.
affi ^ *«	i“teuUons-
.SSiiSiTKS1^
Chap. IV.—Meditations—wanting 1
Chap. V—The Vac and Anti-vaccinists, their division
and fatal battle.
Chap. VI.-The dark aspect of	ieUauthoring
of theantivac’s, partly in prosaic verse, in a passion. Observation.
Chap. VI1.—A» elucidating anecdote.
Chap. VI11.—Cow Pock Itch and Historia Morin.
Chap. IX.—The Ennoia.
CHAP. X—Th, best part of the »bole, whicb Ulh. Physiological Digression.
Chap XI.—A devious chapter, on bi!Slblt i>u,ba Chap. XI1.—The focus	.>PREFACE.
SHOULD it interest the reader to know why the author has given this title to his folly,—let him learn—that he is a Practitioner in the “ Obstetric Art,” gaudetc Angeli! And that this is the produce of the iiours of his attendance on the pangs and pains of parturition.
What Port in a Storm ?
Qua via tendis Chorydon ? Miseris suceurro. &t such a time does not any piay-thing become fair for the Doctor, “ except that he is really about.” The child to be born can be nothing to him. No—He therefore chooses to form a brat of his own.
“ Patri si mil is filius.”
Then strike up iidlers ; play lullaby to the sad li—es of the head, and again play lullaby to the sad ach—es of my heart.PROiEMIUM
WHEN a man is foiled in any favourite intention, whether by actual opposition, or the dread of it, shall it surprise us, if he grow out of humour with himself, or restive with others. Such then is my case, and such must be my apology.
I was pregnant with a darling child, which was prematurely knocked on the head by the rude treatment of a set of monopolizing men, who would bear with no children but those of their own begetting. I am resisting, and do resist. The public will excuse it, though it be mere private animosity ; for I shall temper my history with the truth ot narration.
“ Credite me vobis folium recitare Sybillse.CHAP. I
IT HAD a proposal to make to the Jennerian Society, iu -*®- which I would willingly have risqucd halfof my fortune; But I have found that without leave, no man (rure degens) must ut»er a word on this subject, lest the Vaccine Royalists attaint him of treason. My intention was to have proposed a Vaccine Institution, consisting of Ten Members and Twenty Cows ; the Calves being sold off for profit.
In this Establishment stalls should have been erected, both for the Cows and the Members. Stalls under different dignified titles correspondent to the merits of the respective animals, or of the members. Many wholesome laws 1 had laid down, such as the following:—
Fresh straw and new milk every day ; the straw for the cows, and the milk for the members. A sort of Lactariuin to be provided for weakly children, and for their nurses : each to be taken care of by a member; the most considerable member having the first choice of the nurse and child, proceeding downwards, usqe ad, or as Livy says, “■ Um-hiico tenus.” The nurses to milk the men, (p’shaw, I meant the cows.) night and morning, (observe) whilst any milk remains, and the greatest stress to be laid upon order and decorum. The society to consist of two sorts of members ; of the sitting members and of the standing members. The standing members to keep the cows, the nurses, and the children in order ; and the sitting members to look on (if they have patience) until their turn comes. Now an institution of this high order, comprising the two great classes of animated nature, the man and the cow, or rather (ladies first) the cow and the man, could not fail, when wisely conducted, to pour incalculable benefits upon ths10
world iu general ■ but enough of the institution, it is a mere sketch, an outline, so verbum sat.
1 will now present the public with a set of Rules, which I intended for this Medical Vaccine Club, held at the sign of the Red Cow and Milk-Pail. I scarce need request the approval of the public, to the wisdom and sociability of the rules, as they are of that description of sense which is called self-evident.
Rules for the Medical Vaccine Club.
1.	That any man of the faculty wishing well to the nature of this club, be admitted, provided he will submit to be led or driven.
2.	Any of the same sort of men as the above, may propose another of his kind, provided he be properly disposed to take the infection.
3.	Each member shall be at liberty to commit any thing to paper, tho’published a thousand times before, provided he pay the expence and do not oblige the other members to-read it.
4.	Any member may steal a march upon others, in point of proposing or printing, provided he prove that he has n othing specificially selfish in it.
5.	If two members choose to write upon the same subject, or to take up the time of the club (which ought otherwise to be spent in drinking) then, notwithstanding all they may have written or said, that each member shall be obliged,* contrary to bis former usage, to produce something new. Should he not be able so to do, then lie shall be constrained, if possible, either to say a good thing upon the spot, or (if again unable,) to apply to any other member, who can.
6.	There shall be a President for the night, whose title shall be Sir John Bull.
7.	After supper, his health and the health of his Lady (viz Lady Bull) and family shall be drank in a bumper.
8 The liquor used upon the above occasion shall be Milk-Punch
9. The six younger members for the night, sha ! h> christeued Calves.11
JO. These shall he of the livelier cast, and esteemed as Jeslers for the Evening
11.	In what ever they say or do, they shall not be urged by Older members, from any private view whatever,
12.	They shall not presume to accost Sir John Bull, or to have intercourse with him, nor with his Lady except standing, for decency's sake.
13.	The expences of any member who cannot pay them
shall be defrayed.	J
1-1. No man of a dark and designing disposition, or - such a one as is usually called a black sheep, shall be admitted.
15.	After a certain hour the Inoculation for wit shall commence, when each member shall be at liberty, by any fair means, to Inoculate his neighbour.
16.	When a plentiful stock of this sort of virus is procured members shall be allowed to supply the County Practitioners.
''	17. Each member by argument fair or foul, shall be at
liberty if it suit his own interest to use any means to Cappe his opponent.
18.	As members fall asleep, so shall they be removed.
19.	All communications on business shall be Viv£ voce.
20.	But should members live next door to each other, or only chance to meet once a day, then it may be carried on by letter, through the medium of the press, not only in consideration of the distance, but that it may be done openly and be done in print.
21 That as the best adapted instrument for the insertion of Vaccine Virus, has been proved to be a wasp or hornet's sting, (via notes) (a)
22.	Ordered that each member must attend ready prepared with six of them encased within the bag of a viper’s tooth, all (bona fide) taken by himself from the reptile or the flies in the most vigorous state.
23.	That this club shall be the Lactarium for the Milk of Human Kindness.
24.	That the grand Chorus Club Song shall be, the “ Cow jumped over the Moou,” their \rms the Constellation Taurus, and their Mott^—O ! Gemini.
Vivant Rex et Regina.12
CHAP. n.
CH 88 is represented in the former chapter, was th S beneficent design and plan of my arrangement- am the benefit to the public, now forever lost. Bat where iies‘the blame? Is it not with those conceited London •rentrv of practitioners, who lock op their c ow-honse, and wont suffer the liberal lyro to have a Key of k i heir abominable conceit verify out does their ilhberahty ; we do not find in them, as might have been expected, that the ravs of an illumined circle are concentrated to a focus : No thev diverge, diverge most woefully. It is not the circumference meeting happily at the centre, but i1'.w a get 0f self-sufficient parallel rays, running, admhmtum (or as Dr Johnson would have expressed it) running to meet not Sure these rays are ail seen inclining one way , cheek b '¡owl, but thev are never to be the nearer. And the volume has increased on volume, and one years experience has rolled over others, yet the very nature of the ’l accine Lid or its best form, remains to be decided One wise man prefers it in the consistency of cream, another (no-- less s0) chooses a bit of the crust : a third insists it should be. like chrvstal, (*) clear as the drop upon the maiden o . fh\ hut I prefer my form, and am actually prepar-ingAoAhe press a iiew cL Pack Chee.e, fitfor expo,-tahon. And moreover, have invented a beautiful varmsh to prevent trans-marine evaporation. On these I sha have embossed at once, my name, my crest, am. mym and how will notan admiring age gaze with These cheeses (double Gloucester) shall be portable, durable, and efficient, quod nec Jovis ira, necAqua, neeign s,
I V
m i am [0Oiish enough to consider Small Pock and Cow Pock as J) JLSSmL. ‘1« »»» •« Eta«*,- »»J G.i™™! -J.C“*-P ock is only the chrystalline concentrated Small Pock.13
need I say more'?* (c) Out of respect however to the sex, to preserve their beauty, or as a bou bouche for a bella Doana, 1 have auother iuveniion more sublime indeed, more subtil and reiiued, yet sweeter and more volatilized than vapour; it is Vaccine Gas! This you will find in hry eiaboraiory, as well arranged or sweet scenting as strawberry patties ; like a levyen masse, ail ready for use, (hermetically sealed) bottles on bottles. And these are also intended to withstand ail sorts of evaporation by sea or land. Neither the Southern latitudes, or eke, the styptic North so bleak, or any power from Arctic to Ant-arctic Pole, shall in tire least, the impregnable virtues of my gas coutrout, (t) Farther, what fuss do not these high and mighty Pock-lords make about the genuine and spurious pustule; nature which used on all occasions to he nature still, in their hands has changed her type ; and the blood and humours of the city nr.ce are now totally different from those of the mice of the country. It would almost seem as if the dirty dregs of an impure metropolis did not allow of Vaccine Porter being brewed any where out of London ; but fair play is a jewel. W hat is to become of us young poisoning country Scorpions, if each time we raise a spurious Pustule. Old Jennet be allowed to sound the Tocsin, or Ring the Tintinnabulum? How dangerous a service, indeed who, who is who, will undergo so much woe? 44 Ah che gusto! 1 could fancy, that even now 1 hear the sound of this hell, and actually see the cows galloping up followed by that horrid John Bull. Nay 1 feel his very horns sticking in me. 44 Totus tremo ossa pavore but he may depend upon it, (ill used as 1 have been) that 1 am not one of the Craven (+) sort for his purpose. And low be it spoken, no country Practitioner cun now come into <lie Cow-pasture, but it is ring, ring, ring, tinkle, dinkle, tinkle, toll, toll, toll, until every beast hustles him, as seeming to ask. Fray Sir, are you of the riHit sort, do you use our Inoculating Dairy ? Now can a
(*) Nota bene—I double, distill the Ichor before the Cheese is prepared, and use the Whey lor immediate insertion.
* c+\ The price of these only Half-a-Orowu, you must pay Hmt-a-Guinea for any thing like Vaccine, in any o.her repository in town.
(J) For Craven, read craving14
man possibly sleep quiet in his house, when these cursed London alatm-beils are perpetually going ; and to be forever cowed and bnllyed in this way, makes life a burden. Had not we poor country Tyro’s better at once peaceably resign all pretentions to any knowledge, eiibet of (be sight, taste, or sense of this Chrystal Dew; dew distilled by tke few Peters, in London, and sold alone at their Nectarium.', Bui without offence to the higher powers, may we not at least be permitted 1o pick up the crumbs of vaccine which fait from the rich man’s table. Parce Precor Genitor. Of myself 1 need but say little in this business, for tho’ I did inoculate thousands with my delicate small hands (so charming for midwifery,) and mine own small eyes (so excellent for couching.) and with my invented sweet tere-bra occuitas (such little darting dogs) yet merely for the imprudent use of one non-conforming expression and surmise, 1 was so hunted thro’ the Cow-Pock Smith field (shocking to relate) by some of the Bullock Vaccine C ow-drivers, as to determine me, 1 say determine me ¡n my ow n defence, to turn Vaccine free Martin; and thus as vaccinator, to escape them all. One of them had the assurance (impudent dog) to throw a genuine retro \ accir.e Gonorrhea in my face, where to he sure no poultice e\er adapted better, yet in my iive-long days, never had I before been so injured, even by the naughty constellation irgo. Indeed it came so cataplasmatous to my eyes, and litie a thundering clap to my ears, that it eclipsed all other senses. However the succus gastricus (O! fortunatus. fortunalus,) by its succulent and opthalmic virtue, absolutely and fortunately cured an inveterate family Phagedena, winch long had rankled upon the Cornea. T hus may good come from evil. But tell me, ye gentlemen of the long robe, (if ever you give advice gratis,) is there no legitimate law for such ill usage ?
On the above accounts I do beg, that all us, or we country practitioners, who have literary children, natural or nonnatural, hot pressed or cold pressed, may join issue, (I don’t mean the childreu) and melt down this accursed Tocsin and his little ringer Tin, Tin ; no longer shall they stun our ears with their nine times dyed reasons,^ or ten times published cases of Cow-Pock superstition. I’ll take the Bell from those Cats, or VN ill Dr. C , or any other15
Drs, for so far are we gentry in the country fronr. r;g allowed any pretensions to be Sol inter Astras, that we are not even allowed to twinkle in our own hemispheres. These men of war insist upon our shutting in our dead lights : but by heavens'. I’ll over to America, and find out Mr -----’g secret of attacking the dogs’ bottoms, and will myself become a piercer of their oak. 1 who am a Cow-Pock author, and have a child, a darling child! (which I wished by the bye, the public to educate) feel now nauseated at the rogues compleatly; nay, (as an author) 1 actually expected a compliment from the South, but no thanks to you gentlemen, there is no such an arrival. Therefore 1 tun determined now, to ring a peal myself :
My Tom of Lincoln against your Billy Tocsin, and shall trust in the end to the weight of my metal, 1 know you by your looks, scabbed as cuekows, all spotted Characters, Maculali! your very profession is written on your coun tenance. From daily gazing rapturously on the Vaccine Pustule, you are all become pock-marked, so wonderful is the impression, (as you will see in my digression,) of a wonderful nature ; and the next generation of you will be changed into the Cumuli of Coleop'era and crustaceons order. Long may you enjoy such animal "honours : t shall continue to live in happy and connubial felicity w:’a my deary, and hope to propagate as I have done, (qu vires) clean faces and manly constitutions. Whilst you, ye! may have intercourse with kiue ami live in trie:? huts; and your children, like the caL’es, must remans through-life mere Milk-sop characters.
TREBLE ROBS ! ! !
II
l
THEIR high mightynesses, the now Royal Vaccinators, held meetings and emphatical conferences, with two views : The first to receive the adulations and congratulatory ad-16
dresses, (Jupiter on the Throne,) of the conforming Scorpions ; and secondly, to repel attacks, concert schemes, a„d to punish any ranging presumptions of the non-con-conformists’. Occasional presentations were made to the throne in person, who graciously received (Phcebe face) or dismissed bv “ Le Roi s’avisera. ’ Amongst those who went to court, unluckly was a prime chymical character, which the following short dialogue explains.
Guard Post.—Who comes there?
CE! ler.—If von please, Sir, a Mr. Pee—-son.
Jr pi tek.—What a Peer’s son. oh, let him in, let him in.
r He'll help the bill through the house.) In a whisper. Teller —No Sir, no Sir, it is a Dr. Pee- son, Dr.
Pee—son !	....
Jupiter.—O! kick him out, kick him out.
TellA-O ! kick him out. Kgad Sir I don’t think 1 can ; he looks such a cursed little squarey , he
Jupiter”—Annulus! then ring, ring amilus, indeed,
annul
SHORT SOLILOQUY.
A ND is it posable that all these honours, real and ima-¡1 can have proceeded from the greasy heels of a horse’’ My stars! fortune, aye fortune, how fickle, con-
^.iering fhi pearls «hid. h.v. been	^ •
iuyy o real must have been my loss, who shot atai ourne oiq horse (Oh. Jackey,) inches deep, to the hocks m dar-■J ;n„ twease. Thus the curse of one age becomes a Wessin _ toThettext. Heigh ho! doomed he to <1*.	™ £
.. thong hieious honours about him, whilst l, in sacrifice £ ignomm?: was permitting the	<» -^netf
rich acapulca. nay was actually losing the very mine Peru.	Tania stultitia mest.17
CHAP. IV.
MED ! TA TIONS—wanting.
THE misfortune which befel me in the last instance, in regard to the horse, was purely betwixt me and mygelf, (not so very pure tho’) and happy it would have been, were matters so ended. But ambition, interest, vanity, opposition, lucre, passive and active virtues, were all more or less brought forth in this new world of wonder. And from quiet philosophising, to less peaceable means, the nature of the discovery tended. In fact as the investigation proceeded, the passions became concerned, and peace at once turned its complexion to war ; levies were raised, commanders chosen, and revenge, (must 1 relate) thus followed.
IT was at day-break on a summer’s morn, as the sky was lighting up, (after the Heavens, by the by, had passed but a dark and sleepless night.) that tho \ accinists and the hostile army, bent on mutual destruction, had way lain each other ; and during the sombre recess of light, had resolved on deluging the \ ia Eactea with blood. Oil! nature, why shudderest thou, is it that this milk of cow should contaminate the milk of human kindness, and turn it sour as rennet?
Entwined with tails like gordian knots, and horns in ambush, studded around with horrid pock-marks, and teats like bandpikes, of shape most terrible, came bursting forth y’clept the constellation	^
TAUKUS!
Conspicuous he stood lashing and furious. He was surrounded by numbers tearing the ground, bellmwmg msa,18
tiate anil rushing to fight. Whilst oilier« less potent, yet horrid as spiders, were eumassed in smaller druidical circles liv one Ring fence. These spurted caustic and stale vaccine ichor. On sound of Tocsin, the whole deployed upon the enemy, and with one vast whirlwind of fury, burst throu h the traitorous ranks, goading, kicking and trampling to death those whom their venom missed Prostrate was found (tho’not supplicant) that frightful little pustule tie Pee—son : est. ille a little sturdy quad rat us post, who in better cause had been himself a host.
It was a sweeping and a weeping close, whence the Iliad of the battle, must remain a Secret, for the Key to the whole was then a missing, or laying amiss upon the ground. Mas! more iqhor was spilt on that day, than ever issued from the wound of Achilles ; more milk wasted than in ail the previous courtship of the dairy maids. (A
CHAP. VI-
HAD not a general panic seized the dastard ranks, who knows the fate of the Victims? For the forbodings of the morn were sad. The milky-w ay was black, die firmament red as ochre, and the heavens in despondency of the issue had burst peals of thunder upon their heads, nay the bloody Tag was seen hanging out, and a fiery	seemed to
o'er spread the dark and boundless horizon, Mnnac tunes dant fulmine tacta ruinam. Such wasi th*i dire asuec+ of nature upon this memorable day.(e) u a warning to vaccine-haters, who henceforward may be disposed to feed upon their enemies as v accine ea. • it is scarce profitable to contend against an act of Pari merit, against Parliament forces, and three times. ten
thousand in store. Therefore let	lipet us whip
the French and the Dutch were by trollop. L	P
them first to make them tender, than cut tl 1 P by collop-that thus black upon the gridiron, rto^ve^y
may see their funeral pile, with IJallei s19
iing, and Bruce's steak well dressed a ia Nile, 5‘ Pars iu frustra secant verubusque tremenha figunt.	via®.
OBSERVATION.
It is a medical fact worth reporting, that the real and spurious Vaccinators might be readily distinguished after the battle, by the colour of the face, which was precisely of the same hue in the former, as the inflamed arm in the genuine Pustuie. It is for the learned to answer how this strange coincident took place. But no more of fighting, now to philosophy .(f)
CHAP. VII.
A SHORT AN ECTDOTE
WILL serve, however, to portray the degree to which the zeal, even of an inoculator (as well as of a naturalist) can carry him, and in some measure also, the degree of his imprudence. A very large cow was going down Holborn. to change pasture ; she happened to have some remarkable fine vaccine pustules upon the teats •, these an Inoculator, who shall be nameless, espied, and instantly approached the cow in a hurry, she quickened step and he also, and of course 1he drover; but before all parties had proceeded to Holborn Barj, it became a fidgety gallop, the Inoculator following briskly. Just as .the cow reached Smithfield, they were both at speed, the drover being out done. Wind and strength now failed her, and Monsieur de Vaccine made a lunge at the teals; but by the violence of his effort, and the determination of the hold, she upset, and he also, when both lay ridiculous panting and prostrate. At this instant numberless boys and others were loud roaring “ mad bullock,” when a butcher as he passed, pithed her iu a second, and she expired in the arms of her lover!
Damages—Ten Pounds Ten against Mr. Inoculator.■zo
CHAP.
the cow-pock itch,
H\s annoyed the genuine Vaccinators not a litt’e, and ¡j we may believe Ihe anti-men, or they their eyes, not without some foundation ; yet it is not described either as an animacular itch, nor the itch from the maggots of their own brain; but an ichorous humour, such as was perorated by the real Vaccinist on the field of battle. It was a fiery vinegar, which sympathized with every nerve, and provoked every feeling, and was carried about on the oa} Oi blood in small vials, to dip the lancets and to inocuiate, or rather torment all prisoners taken on that day. It was devilish hot by all accounts, and of the nature of Saint Anthony’s Fire. This itch appears the matter of perspiration rectified, tho’ in a wrong cause, or rather a secretion reudered morbid by the peculiar heat of vaccine infiamma-mation. One very skilful auti-vaccinist informed me. that he had examined it with Dr. Katterfelto’s large O’Bryan microscope, and that it had the appearance of burning liquid lava. If so, this may account for the identity of St. Anthony’s five, (it was this sort of fire which broke out upon the Saint, when the lady paid tiim a kind visit in the desert.)
CHAP. IX
BUT now “ Ennoia poth enunegeneto,” a thought struck ine, osai pretty dairy-maids, must have spoilt their pretty hands with the leperous ichor of this nasty vaccine. And this again produced another Ennoia(ouly greek for ennui.) viz. that it would be very adviseable. at once, by a coup de main, to eradicate vaccinists (stock and branch) from the face of nature ; or at least to render them useless in society (if the disorder has not already done it for half of them).21
The mode however, and operation to he devised and executed fay the little dear dairies them-elves; for crimes of uncommon cast, require uncommon handling.
CHAP. X.
AMONGST other important Queries which arise out of the subject of Vac-Inoculation, may we not conjecture, with some degree of true semblance, that the wonderful changes in the monkey and baboon species (leaving the former with tails,) had arisen from this mode of inoculation ? I have some tolerable reasons for supposing that this art subsisted in much force with praclitoners before the flood. But as my proofs are rather far to fetch, and travelling is expensive, notwithstanding the present opposition, 1 will for the present forego them. The Vaccine humour which was originally taken before the flood, from the pustules of tire monkey’s tail, became as it, were, sodden with those of man, and of course amongt other changes, produced effect upon the whole mass of secretions. It is not incon«entaneons that like to like became in time to be thus effected : and it appears probable that monkies existed before man, not only because the man is an improvement upon the monkey, but because in the older world there was plenty of provision for the wants of the monkey, but by no means sufficient for those of man.
How often do vve see this inoculating process exemplified in the grafting of plants, &c. &c. and no doubt were we to affix the hot masque of a monkeyuponthe excoriated face of a man, (hat it would engraft, Taliacotius wise, and in the end (iffrequently practised) the lovely likeness of the parent would become the lovely likeness of she son. Sure if the solids of a body can become so identified with each other, how much more easy must be the experiment in ail the nice percolations and humors of the secreted fluids, e. g. powder a little of the scab of a small pock, (a caput mort-um even,) and in this state of farina, dust with it any excoriated surface; observe in how expeditious a manner will thus be begotten, patri similis lilius. 1 eu or twelve days eompleat the experiment. What a difference in naturebetwixt the period of this and the ‘ flowering of the Aloes .
I should be loath to use the sportiugs of nature (as m the formation of monsters) for the defence of my system ; but I would willingly bring matters to the fair trial n",u‘‘e in her sober mood, i have seen a woman m Holland, with a horn growing out of her body, (tho’ differing from the two which she herself had emplanted on the brow ot her husband.) and it is for naturalists to determine whether any of the progenitors of this woman had casually undergone the process of vaccino; or whether in consequence of as casual an accumulation of the floating dregs of vaccine, they had made an effort again to re-produce their hind, (as ’tis possible indeed to have been the case with the horns of the husband), in which effort every thing had fallen short but the horns-,* yet blessed be the instiDet of nature, for tho’ it roust be admitted, that here she had failed, yet it was a bold and goading attempt ; therefore well done, well done, I say bravo, bravo Isatura,
About, the tera of Licetus, (as his learned commentator forebodes.) 1 have every reason to suppose that the system of vaccine, and many other inoculations must have been molto prevailing. Look at the picture of the times then existing, in regard to generation, and see if it be not con-
ionant to facts.
But after his day, for want of carrying on the breed with spirit, the species became almost extinct; yet it is not to the anthropoboons of the old world alone, that the accident has happened. The camelopard and many other nondiscripts are in the same predicament ; therefore many circumstances recorded by Piiny, which have been deemed perfectly extravagant and inadmissible, have notwithstanding, in the pilgrimage of ages, again returned into credit and to notice, for varié ludit natura.
1 am only apprehensive, lest in this revolutionizing age of innovations, some inconsiderate person should advertize to keep a menagerie, for the breeding and encouragement of such wild products. If so, who knows what will be the faithful portraits of our succeeding generations ? And
* The longer I believe these are said to be in growing the better, nay some would giro the world they had never grewn at all.how extraordinary (perhaps not unentertaining) will be the gambols, the tricks, or philosophy of such a varied race of an im a Iona and anomalous leings.
“ Jiisum teneatis Amici.”
Perhaps from these may arise an hero, at least emulous if not surpassing, the tricks of a Napoleon, his malice not excepted i and the anatomy and physiology of the race then present, must of necessity (and luckily for the printers) produce some new folios of plates, (1 don’t mean dishes,) better combined than hitherto. But (be it in a parenthesis) when this shall happen, I hope for goodness, their books will be cheaper, have less nonsense in them than at present, and more (not nonsense) for money. Yet how edifying, how instructing will be the physiology of these creatures, how carious their chymistry.
’Tis now just time, when the gentle reader, I hope will allow me to trace him back to a due sense of the benefit which arises from that we at present know : it will whet onr appetites for higher relishes in the changes which are to be rung upon nature, and upon the powers of nature; and let us not listen to those sad propensities and longings, which invite us to suspect that the present race shall ever again degenerate to any less noble figure, than that from which we may have gprung ; qnand a moq' I am happy enough to be content with my present form, provided I had more money to procure more food, for an excellent stomach ; stomach ! which like old time will eat through any thing. Provided I had money to purchase a good arm chair, que tout a mon aise, I might jeer at the follies of mankind, and enjoy the tricks of the other tribes. Tribes so apparently happy, that 1 should, above all things, delight to dwell in their colony, provided, however, that the rascalls would be half so civil to me, as they are ridiculous. Small doubt arises in pectore meo, that the qualities of the mind may admit of an in but net of inoculation, as well as on the particles of physical matter, (by physical matter, don t suppose 1
Otium cum Kidney Tate
cessaiii	in« * jv,
the qualities of the person (as has been surmised) may also become apparent in the frame, and sensibly so, -for instance ; if l chance to gaze long at a pretty woman, (utl,ch '„on honour it is impossible to avoid,) sure am I to see her, In o’ jo jlie mind’s eye Horatio, the whole dead long night, the next live long day, and sometimes 1 lose not the impression of her beauty for a month, (a month you fool, aye for a year, nay years.) and this art practised to an extent, must conduce to perpetuate beauty. Thus, pretty women (indeed all women) love to admire pretty children, or any children of their own begetting. ’’I is instinct invites them ; ’tis tiie solace of the eye, from which even instinct itself feels to acquire something. Is it then that the vices Oi a bad countenance can be inoculated by this organ '? I he visual rays become the transposing medium from one surface to another ; the aura and invisible farina is thus carried by the halitus of internal sensation, and the predisposing cornea and surface absorb the impression, and taint the sensorem. 1 never saw' a man in my life who had been in theliabit of attending upon wild beasts, whose countenance was nut iierce, whose eyes had not the savage glance and wildness of his subjects ; nay 1 could almost fancy he became downright resemblant to the very animals which most impressed him : but I will carry this inoculating system no farther. Beware the Ring Doves, tiie Jennets, the Pee—sous, and the lesser comparatives ; rather bestir you to paiify the nobler species man, lest your grandsons acquire some of the sensible qualities which have so long besodden the minds of their praeparents ; lest some of the cow-pock marks quitting the present influence upon the fluids, shall arise to the surface, and maculate them like the tattoed Indian, or by variegated lines like the beauufnl ZEBRA. In other words, do you (if possible) render them brutes immaculate. To exemplify the above, I have in my own intimate acquaintance, at this present moment of writing, two instances before me, of men, who since their constant use of the inestimable blessing and process of vac-oiap. have never beeu happy but in the company auu communion of animals. The younger person has ever since kept a monkey, the other has quite domesticated an otter. Both dearies luckly died, or quis knows quid.
Of the lesser animals 1 shall say nothing, de mortuts nil nisi boonm ; evil communication corrupts good manners. Their masters became miserable, until the two fair forms of these animals were preserved with pepper and spices ; nay they even attended them to their graves, and whether from grief or sympathy, or the pepper and spices, so pathetic was the effect at the funeral, that not a dry eye, or
sneezeless nose was present at the ceremony. .
Nemo me lacrymis decorat ñeque fuñera field .axit. (Enn.) was the ejaculation of a great and moribund curst one, (so named because he was no Christian,) post fuñera virtus ; the monkey ad vivum, with bottle and glass in hand sits stuffed like other presidents, at the head of a country club, where his master, facile princeps, rules chief 1£S:6r*
j The respective features of these men, by habit, were beginning to assume the respective characters.
1 also know an old lady, (Mrs. Mary quiet contrary, &c.) who by constantly looking at a parrot, has so crooked and made gibóse her nose, that there is no distinguishing the one from the other. Ah, would she allow me with a iittle tar aud feathering to furnish the root of it, 1 d defy anv bird-fancier to detect us! Her maid informs me, that, in her sleep she is constantly susurring, and perpetually sighing and lisping, kiss, kiss, pretty Poll; and to such an excess, as what by the effect upon the mistress, and then upon the maid, and from her upon pretty Poll, and again upon them all, their jesticulations, sympathy, and agitations iu the dark, are better calculated for conception than language. Now these really are strong and touching and titillating and titubating facts ; facts which none but naturalists feel, nati mi ego |ll|'Po1 tibi dabo^dlam lepidam
quaintu facile ames filiamDamee Maria;
Even an attempt at masculation may be produced by it. As I also find in' a lady who keeps a male and bearded26
monkey. She is herself by parity, now becoming of as male and hirsute appearance.(h) For these and other reasons, let me entreat the whole soul and body of the Faculty, and the world at large, magnoseosm and microscosm, to oppose with all their might, the shameful, preposterous, indecent. unnatural practice of vaccination, Choroman-darnm gentem stridoris horrendi birds corporibus, ocuiis glaucis dentibns caninis.”—Pliny.
Pee—fo—fum, I smell the blood of a vaccine man. whether he be alive or dead, I’ll grind his bones to make me bread. But a word, however, for the defendant in the following chapters.
CHAP. XI
WONDERFUL it is to my cerebellum, that Messieurs les Vaecinists de toutes especes, have not the moderation to give and to take, both a somewhat of reason, a little longer time, and more civility in the elucidation of their subject. For my part, I hope their mutual truths and blunders will yet extricate some good points, and lucky strokes in the physiology of the
shall we not, perhaps, have to bless the insight of poisons for affording us many and various antidotes, (e. g.) an antidote l_for the bite of a mad dog, but more especially for the Hippomania (mercy how ’this medicine must sell, n’est pas Dr. L) An antidote for the bite of the rattle snake, the27
viper, the cobra di capello, for the lues, the cancer, for the itch of love (or Capricorn itch.) and for all the dire maladies of the vegetable and animal kingdom. Blessed inoculation ! Nay, how many diseases, as fevers, the distemper in brutes, contagious rots, &c.&c. may we not live to see eifectually opposed by these yet hidden arcana of nature. But mark ine, when shall we see an antidote for the rot in the heart of man ? Quid dices Domine—reap—never, no never. O nunquam, nunquam 0.(*)
HELL—cum Diabolo.
Calx cum Kali puro.
! warm work) has been supposed alone capable of destroying this infernal part of man s-composition. But quittons la reverie c est une nianie hn-maine ; and this manie perhaps is more implicated than truth, in the war with the vaccinologists.
CHAP. XII.
THE FOCUS.
CLEAR the professional decks, turn out the black sheep,, fide sed cui vide. Then shall inoculation proceed with spirit, and rewards be granted without envy.
(••) When I was at College, ft Petit Maitre sort of Classic, by a con-cciU mispronunciation of one letter, in the word nunquam, made n
EkSSk of it-----------it was a whim he took ; be was consequently
nick-named-----Whim ; even the master called him ''28
CHAP. XIII.
HAVING employed some ridiculous hours upon these ilimsy petulent sheets, conscience began to misgive me ; and as 1 was walking in the fields, musing and moping with my hands slung behind me, (as if desirous of hiding as much of me from myself as I could,) in an instant moment, I exclaimed.
O ! Zaka Apolowlas.
Ape a low lass, (replies a girl, accidentally passing.) you dirty fellow, I never ape a low lass. My dear, says I, twasnot meant for you, 1 was speaking Greek. Greek, may hap you may ; do you think I don’t understand English, ye vermin you'? And in the same iustant moment, this d*e\il dairy maid whips a coarse hairy thing round my wrists, gives ii the deuce of a twitch, and with as sudden a jirk debased me at once into a wacciue gonorrhaea. What again? O! clapaplasma maturans ! my stars, (for so it happ’d) I had my visiting nankeens on. It. were lucky no son of Rowland, or Rowlandson was near ; yet no less tart vas the vicked vit of this milk carry A. Now, Sir, says she, this is Greek too. “ Knaw the an can te ken a cow lye?” and with a cuteness of voire, (which I must never forget) bellowed out to another girl at a distance.
Hip, hollow lass. I say Sal Poilychrest, do you see the geruman’s maukeens theie ?” When so sat ridiculous, they left me with, sweet Sir, what a domestic man you look, all pa! pa ! Sir,—lord how curious Sir,—O me, how gay Sir! Forsooth must not these have been ladies, (riot gentlewomen) full of Greek fire, and decidedly pregnant with, or at least no strangers to the Grecian radix? Al-pha, Sir. lord O xuiios, xurios, Sir; O mega Sir; me gay, indeed faith ye gods. 1 had need, with such a literary treat; mine eyes and nose streaming with the pathos of the language ; mine extremities and apparel sodden in the bathos. Bur owing to the titubations of an accursed equilibrium, how long it was before J could get turned, or when turned how29
sweetly scumbled, let the mathematicians and the living pencil ^pourlray. O! Zaka A polo w lass. O .Jemmy, you'll be dished, ma “ Ben conosco it tenor della ana
u Xe—no—phon. Scene of Fun' (i)
apology.
IT is self evident, good reader, that T never dreamt of an ii£r- there’ 1 none in Ihe .able o conhn«.^^« upon my conscience, this conscience w	¡n o« dull
;,P„,h ¡./l am naturally a very dull dog h™, ; ma, dull a town, common cathartics don’t rouse ^e, I require str er stimulants. Either the townsmen are not company tor me, or I am not company for them, Jnd in of us ill disposed and lethargic, we don t hit rt , thereto .
I have much time upon my hands, and fair y ^	_
with forty year’s scribing and transcribing	nJyer
scribing, (cursed physic) it now nauseate , could J, by all that 1 have written, never, no ne'er ha I amassed one atom of credit, or one g^n o gold Lven my moral and sentimental writings Pro($uce‘l	. onr
these 1 esteem to be very fine, (as you no-doubt do your works brother author,) therefore piget, pudet, }*	[
no more of it ; the cards shall be changed and l U try my fortune in a new lottery.	to everY
Only consider me as having b“n	T 'omnmn
«•ish to every will, to evety want; denied the common enjoyments of'life. Corpus teuebrosam delorosum omni^ videns nibili possidens vuitu mam, not oaring, P smile, much less to laugh, or even to attend an^b cock battle, has been my sombre character thio 1C ^
all this was endured to keep up the medical dign ^y ? there be any thing in this world worth such sacnh ^ No. in future I will laugh and dance, and1 sing ,
shun sense, and court fully, for m <>>'	, worth
the eye sparkles, the heart gladdens and, life w o y the purchase. “ Throw that physic to the do s
none on’t. Off, off these sombre trappingsjd bn«	^
the fool’s cap : I’ll wear it, A 11 bear it. and1 ne'er go. YeSagi and magi, keep clear, for such lam,30
will not be a bar too low, for hie posuise
here Tam, and
palBut* ob gracious! if Daw (commonly so called) my poor’father knew, he, good man, who was always const™-L to me Grande Opus! Magnum Opus, vult sa< rum. Tvchobrahe, Totis viribus, Opera galem, Chartis Max-in,is ! Oh itane Dave, aye Davy, oh Davy, itane contem-nor abs te. Excuse my weakness, (for weap 1 must,) yet, lacrymis nil citius areseit. And Richard is himself again.
RECANTATION'.
ME read a recantation, who hitherto, like Caesar, with no- pen have made so noble a defence for the Antis ? (1 don’t mean old Aunts.) Am 1 now lorced from necessity, io cut their connexion ? Yes, but it is the consequence of a letter which I have received from the Secretary of the Antivac’s, informing me that they have determined on forming a society of Misanthropobobs. Misanthropobobs ! No, it is one thing with me to assist the distressed, and another to favor the wicked.
Gentlemen—Your intentions are now brought to a crisis; a crisis to me rebuking and unmanly. So I’ll re-]oin the true bobs, for cut and run shall be the order of the day, as i hud you are imposing upon me.	Einis.
attention.
*<. J‘ai mis des notes. Un ouvrage dans le genre de celuici ne peut absoluement se passer. Elles servent a développer an sens qui ne se présente qu a démina etendre un raisonnement,'serréa simplifier des principes compliqués a établir par des témoignages la vérité d’uu fait ou contesté ou difficile a croire.”31
loose sketches.
orti on of life which is called luxurious ; and amongst thei uxuries it is not the least to have had the good fortune of ,einff cast upon the coast of Choromandar. Let this ac-•ount for my tong and intrusive narration. Being so -f a LIS 1 divest man of curiosity, could 1 forego uated, could	j	. jf Gf the pleasure of en-
he information, could I rob mjMu u i i	d
iovin£r it •? No, I was at once surprized and gratmeci.
Tife very nation, of all others, now the most popular,
for row Pock and Choromand or Cowman are become for Cow-r oek ana c	they were as
,j„»n,raouS. I op. J couW be Ke„ anl| b,<l
wide as an ow l s) -	etili would have been too con-
was so deep, sobofd,^	that trifled the skies.
There was one good thing	wa^veg
airy. Pliny has already beggar A ^ V ^ inhabitants, ad vivum pmx-	j shoPuld observe
If to add however, -	describe the pronion-
that he should not have ueglected to desc^ £
tory, or should 1 say t >a no, o l(Jer} geutlemau who 1 lathe 1B8ta“^tre ITehad on one side actually be-come half cornuted; but 1 confess U struck ÉhJf ,ne as a lusus naturai, a mere (diarrh*« ) ^ * m éM ness of nature. One remark shall then Uib JggjtLniss the fleshography and geaeosgraphy of ^^his extraordinary peop^ ^ many.scuil8 .
In visiting their gin , b ilh of the cheekbones, the flatness of the forehead,	siliUS was more than
and the wonderful size o	Aerimi ; in it however,
obvious. 1 only met vv	, cauda equina, than in
there was a much longer■ groo\ .	, (he tombs, by the
the sacrum of the ehnstia. • AmongsU ^ ,)e called by, (which on account ot	.. d ine; the entabula-
tumuli) one particular stone a j	£ Cauuot im-
ture was a plain porphyry, (how they32
agine), veiled by a cow skin : the head and the horn« surmounted in relievo, with this in^iption, “ Sir L»Pe ,j0*-monkd, formerly of iiie Island o. Ciotfe, least said is soonest mended.” Age and year elfac’d. lo smile at a tomb was not pretty—yet 1 did so.
It was the mind, the habits, the sociability, the virtues, and even the vices of this extraordinary nation which at first glance seduced me to stay with them. The ruse of an ordinary man, is easy made out; and when nature divests herself of usual formalities, she cuts and comes again with ample store of variety. Then must we heboid her' she conceives, becomes pregnant, and brings forth in a few seconds; and ihe life of an ephemera, when compared to her in many of her operations, is as much prolonged and as remote as'the alpha and omega of eternity.
ETERNITY !
Mercy on us! Why shall nature be so tardy in the evolution of her wonders? Why is it denied feeble man to survive, or even to co-exist with that page w hich includes entire the history of his creation? Shall not the human eye comprize, in one grand focus, the whole scenery of created images? Why cut short the horizon? Why not expose on one noble plain the grand arttice of the creator—his vast ideas ? Tell me this, if you please, ye comprehensive
Cowmanders, for we Europeans..............
These Choromandars, whose society 1 courted, are the most individualized, and yet the most connected mortals 1 ever saw. Each man is unique, (ladies don’t mistake me) and yet their attachment is for one aud all. They live, eat, drink and sleep in troops ; where one goes the other goes, and yet the men seem to be going their own way. With great sense there appears combined something more of instinct than ratiocination. But love is their principal passion ; it is not like the love of the Christian man, which disposes him when gratiiied to alienate. No, more generous, they still cling to each other, aud in this state they have reminded me of the calm lethargies of Paul Potter. But then they are capricious to a degree, indeed 1 may say to a dangerous degree ; for in all their parties the men seem rather uncertain in their propensities; they appear pleased hut yet are sullen and repining ; aud when they wish to have converse with their women, it is done by no33
regular approach, compliment or introduction, but from the most abject state of penseroso, they start up m Ha. e ill alert, all flirt and furioso - it matters not who may be in the way. tho’ a stranger, the Athropob runs over him, and begins his conversation. This to me was not only an annoyance but an act of danger-, 1 learned however by habiUo foresee this capaciousness, and from the cast of his eve to prepare and avoid him. In all the great concerns where the public welfare was at stake, littlel amongst them; but a comprehension of the natureol tree rasonrv, appears to determine on business without much digression ; their temper is irascible ; the men» m genera are monotonous, the women amuse themselves vrith ™ ning round them, and are forever moving society gives an idea of enjoyment, wherein the females affect)tfplease, to conciliate, and
unite the active and the pas.tve very well. They nether take tea or play cards; nor are they gi	eet
it- e nassion of drinking: iheir habits are in this respe« soherPand edifying : they chiefly spend their time id paying personal atteniions. or in innocent tricks and m the younger part of the society is really an exuberan of fancy-of ridicule. But this character admits ofex-
CeTheSsea8on was hot, as you may suppose between the Ironies: and the luxury of bathing was prevalent, 1 don know tho’ that it can strictly be called bathing, it was ther basking in the water. To this end they ha'e basins
or pools contrived, like those in the Yorkshire Wolds
witEbottoms of cement, to avoid the waste; and on each
ride we e large plantains, .0 prevent also solar evaporaos? Numbers resorted there every day; it was not m the quiet way in which Europeans would have enter d, fur whether they arrived singly or in numbers, -always belter skelter, full gallop into■ thj* poud Fh™ they stood and chatted, using very freeiy the tail of a r tí. " rwiih which every one is provided) to keep o
ed.” «!,»“« Ttey do ríot i',.T’STt
very unlike themselves, notin violentjivks and sta , h by an incessant gentle motion ; ’tis trom side to side, a
i,s “m by « rocking „it. *«**•» *£“*,*£ racier when they all are moving. 1 could not ail34
serve tfmt some of the gentry who came to the pond, had a particular mark round the ancle, as if somethin.* had been tied there; it was not recent, but a natural mark on the »kin.—“ Can te ken a Cow-tye ?”
1 was informed upon inquiry, that these were not natives, but persons who had originally come from a far-off country, whose name was Wiclinglao. In this 1 fancy to trace White Cliffs; logs Land. The landscape of their habits is entertaining ; they are seen not in groups but in herds, the most concentric and exeentric possible, perpetually gyroting either in pyrovvits round each other, or breaking off in hasty strides. Jealousy and envy are strangers there. But it must be owned, that even amongst the most domesticated and civilized of them, there is a dash of malignity not pleasing. Indeed the men are not altogether very cordial, tho’ it may not amount to a state of warfare ; and the mode of their lighting is more categorical and less hurtful than ours. They merely measure strength, the weaker submitting: but their fight is peculiar,—1 saw one. The combatants ran back, and then met in the most antic way imaginable ; whilst they were setting each other, their heads kept nodding like fighting cocks, and in spite of themselves, they invariably attacked head foremost, eyeg shut. It had an awkward appearance, and when they opposed, the rebound was so violent as to alarm me. But after two or three such onsets, the weaker gave in, and all was finished without injury.
1 saw a fellow strip to fight ; his name was Kester, (meaning Christopher) Crack-ossa, and was a distant relation, and a very different man from Dan the Mend-ossa.
1 saw this Lacoon, this Anthrop naked, he could boast of more affinities to the Constellations than almost any man. In himself and his wife, they were nearly combined.. He was (like our grand Cow-Pock Papa.)
Aries ^	^Capricorn
He Taurus ySheJVirgo
Leo	V	/ Aye with Cancer (;- v_bkl>)35
And they had a mutual share in Gemini, judge of the head and aeek by this slight sketch,
but mark the deficiency, and why. In fight, the Anthro was a gauger, and could scoop out the eye in an instant; or like a true British Tar, could cut out any thing ; but the peculiar art of obtunding or knocking down, was left to the British Tar altogether ; for Anthrop failed, and why, his extremeties were split, by naturalists called fissile, (as vide.)
1 became acquainted with one man of real sterling merit. For the sake of the pun they called him Rock or Rocky, and Heaven knows, his was a rock on which he split. He was what Joseph Millar stiles, and you shall see,
A Friend in need,
But a Friend in Deed tWould you believe it. tho1 a man of uncommon taste and ex,ready deformed. Yet was he fond, extremely foud of his extreme ugly extremities. These he thrust forwards upon all occasions-, nay was wont to surmise, if not to gay, that he was primaeval to man, to man proper, and was one of the improving sketches of nature, thrown loose into the port-folio, when she first traced the etching and sublime figure of man ; he conceived hiyiself to he one of her wiid. dashing, and free primordial touches. Rosasa!-vator) solus ! For my pari, 1 had rather be one of the finished forms, than such an exsentric stroke of nature. But Rocky was happy ; being “ in love conceived and in fire begot/'1
There are many other slight personal excentrieities in those people, and some more general habits which are whimsical. The ladies have a peculiar play of the mouth, certainly not graceful, a kind of ridiculous embouchure. This lhey practice almost involuntarily ; it very much resembles the action, (if 1 may be excused the sinuly) of animals, which is commonly observed in them at the approach of spring. Mares, and she bulls and such like have n ; a sexual impression, 1 presume not exactly decorous. Nay 1 have actually seen both male and female Anthro-pobs commuting a motion of both jaws, like chewing the cud. To advert however, more to these habits, might appear, from me as a stranger, more ungrateful than civilized, especially as every possible attention was paid to me, (at least by the females), which could flatter the feelings of any man.
Anthropobosa faemina aux secousses et sestui V irili is patiens supra quam cuiquam est credibile. Has fa’minse sunt connubiatores vel- trices promiscuie. Ritis coiuitui-uibus baud ohnoxiae. Virtutibus et Vitiis spasmodicis Gratte ac.cipientes et ad mirum castitate soiubiles, ¿n-thropobos mas ob musculis validis occipito frontalibus erecto criui frous viget. Et oculis glaucis cum aliis supra dictis etca'teribus fertur in Cupidis arenani ; percito amore ruget et ssevit totus obtruncatur ab humo ad radi-cem. Absint omnes illas blaudai Amores.car de cap en pie Opos et Emprosthotonizatur antrquum Marmor! Sed iuncto muneri (for be likes to do every thing in the ablative case absolute,) quid dicam ? Vetant Syllabi, uatali«
r37
pudor; ce u’est pas comme font anjordhui les Dair.es iraif-coises*in Basia. ou en virtue du farde les Levres se tieu-uent seuljnent a la glu, uou, in pejus rnit, Restat, restat,
O restat quid, pareé, paveé, sed quid restat-restat.
ADHESIO INDECORA.
Per Dios immortales! non est ilie Aníhropobos íibr» laxas,' non petit umbram, non \ ias solitarias, sed sequé sub casta Luna et sole glorioso stringit et solvit amor. Whatever appertains to the soft passion of love, should be indited with the sweet pen of Calamus Aromáticas, for songs and sonnets, and rustical roundelays, forms of fancy, are whistled on Reeds ; songs to solace young nymphs upon holy-days, &c. but cadera decent (read desunt), or at least were illegible, as the author, after writing the last two words, per pudicitiam and pudorem, was seized with a shivering and vertigo; in fact, he whembled, (*) I mean succumbed. But the passions of this extraordinary nation on these matters are so coarsly expressed, that I writ it with a pen of Cauda Equina ; a common bull-rush. The animals of Choromander or Cowmander delighted Aristotle very much, in as much as their size accorded with his favourite description.
I cannot refrain describing one animal of the island of Cowmander. It is a perfect panegyric upon nature and her elegant works. I did ask myself, is it not, sir, the most perfect of animal creation ? It was an unique assemblage of the elegancies, the symetry and forms of human and comparative structure.
SYMETRIOS, was its Name.
IIow beautifully expressive ! the head was globular, a compressed yet extended and flattened front (of the calmuc) regularly sloping, with eyes like the sea otter, black, brilliant and sparkling; a countenance and face vertical as the monkey, but with the benignity of the man ; the ears convoluted like the Cornua Ammonia ; the hair perfectly
(•) I beg pardon, I believe this term is somewhere provincial.38
atibume and loosely flowing, tho1 short and Foliated, and of a texture between leaf and fibre ; the mouth and lips most lovely, most perfectly feminine ; the breast on one side elevated, small, chaste and. exquisitely mammary; the areola vying with the happiest combination of lake and vermilliou, it was the voluptuous bosom of thevir in; ou the opposite side, an elegant folding of skin (O la lapelle!) precluded from sight the masculine and hairy thorax ; the abdomen white as the shorn bear, was exactly decorous, presenting a shade of sepia brown, in the pa.it which nature in other animals adorns with hair. I he limbs were graceful as the greyhound’s, tut varied, lor on one extremity of the fore arm, was toe human hand most aptly ; on the other, the soil pliant foot of the eat or felis kind, concealing however, a claw suitable to its necessities, and thus comprising the apprehensibly of the man, with the security of the eagle. The loins and back preserved the human contour, without the appearance of any sexual semblance; the feet are fiat and spungy, also like the human, but without'tile ineumberanee of the digit form; they are perhaps longer in proportion to the size of the animal; by this he acquires an active gait, and great elasticity ; themuscles of the leg are flattened, with length óf lever apportioned to strength, yet neither crude nor massy. Equally admirable is the (economy and inward constitution of the Symetrios ; it has neither stomach, intestines, or any appointment of viscera ; in fact nature has superlatively refined upon herself, and has discarded in one focus of annualization every thing animal. It consequently neither requires or consumes any pabulum; it is a high remove from the cameleon species, subsisting on the purest vapour and oxygen of plants ; for in truth, it neither digests or excretes. Thus leaving man in a state of degeneracy, vet to be lamented. His sensual being is sublime; he is in one the recipient and the alembic, the pistil and the stamen of nature ; for just beneath the ear, ou one side, arises an elegant stamen soft as the poll of velvet, and apparently a tufted branch of the vine ; on the other side, in a small downy-like sulcus, alcoved with pink fibrils, (inclining inwards), a calyx is formed. This leads to a vestibule in most immediate communication, by a slender tube with the brain, the eyes, the ears, aud the palate. To this39
receptacle of animal life and passions a conduit is open,, ihc pistil, which on the opposite side receives the stamen and all its essence. It is the living alembic, from whence is distilled an immediate volatilized secretion, equal to those of the brain, the eyes, the ears, the heart and the palate ; nay it is the prolific gas of this superlative animal, thus displayed upon this irritable platform of nerves most exquisite , so that during the celebration of its love, every organ, each sympathy, the united assemblage, and efficiency of sub stance and soul most sublimed, is here enhanced, and these are the produce of all the chaste percolations, and high sensual prerogatives with which nature is gifted ; being thus again reflected upon the sentient principle, and principle of animal life, exhibit on earth, perhaps the most perfect ens.
His habits appear to disdain our low and groveling nature, nothing is gross, or any thing carnal-, at once he springs upon the cedar of Lebanon, or inhales the sweet perfumes of the humbler shrubs. To the attainment oi this high luxury, his limbs are formed ; he alone sips the nectar of the gods, and in despising earth, gladdens and imbibes the perfumes of heaven.
The genitura of this animal (which I saw) was secreted durante orgasmo, and issued from the head an oval gelatine. It had this peculiar property, neither man or animals, or any thing in the face of nature containing iiie, ever disturbed it, being preserved by an atmosphere sui generis.
Let us now finally contemplate the happy state of this animal aaimalized only in name, at once living for it seif, possessing and possessed, rising in circumstances beyond sublunar nature, sipping dews cselesttal and existing like the enamoured cloud, in elegant suspense, ’tvvixt earth and heaven ; such is the animal of the island of Cowman«-der, such is Symelrios; these its enjoyments, sensualities , those the thrills of a refined concupiscence. And who would not throw off this carnal covering, who would not be Symetrios.
Gods—the very idea will make,
My old and woruout crupper shake !	^40
LAST LINES.
I ALSO saw a balloon monkey. Oh, miro, miro ! most truly miro,! nature has never done ; would 1 could sketch as I beheld him, puris naturalibus ; and yet he was a mere super fetation of the cropper pidgeon, tho1 not so innocent. This vermin had all the tricks possible, both active and passive; when quiet and domestic, he was a mere monkey of ordinary appearance ; but the next moment he was embodied in a balloon, tail and face presenting, for he had the power at once of inflating a loose and hairy skin, to the size of a large bladder, which being effected in a sort of spasmodic paroxysm, produced both a formidable and antic appearance; in an instant he would shoot into tire air, quick as eye could follow, and there beset himself a mortal squib, ethereal and enstarr’d in the midst of the heavens; and as he smote tire azure vault, the semitransparent tinge of his Copper Orb catching the reflexes of light shewed forth a sombre ¿Usque. Attached to this, waving and alert, his long lion-looking tail caused Country Hawbucks to proclaim him Comet.
One or these poor monkeys thus in glory was unluckily assailed in rapid flight by an eagle; the balloon was rent and so was the air, by the miserable screams of poor monkey magus.
Alas, monkgolfser in propria persona, was thus spilt from the heavens in culbuta most lamentable ; fa re w el monkgoliier, forbythis upset aud downset, he was Literally both killed and buried,—killed in the air—dashed into anil buried in the earth, Surely this was ill luck with a witness.
Amongst the malignancies of these creatures, one was a favourite pastime ; they had the power of hovering in the air like a hawk, and used to practise this in the ileitis, when careless mothers at work, had quitted their lovely children. Upon such occasions (which they sought very slyly), the monkey as he trod the air, began by making a41
kiiul of chattering scream over the child; this soon caught its attention, and caused it involuntarily to fix its eyes on the monkey, who no sooner perceived the circumstance, thaii he darted down like a hawk to a certain distance over the child, and thence discharged a water into the eyes, which pained it most extremely ; in this state he suddenly pounced straight upon it, tore and maimed it, so as to produce great injury One gentleman however, was caught in the fact, by the mother who was at hand, she seized the animal but fared the worse for it, as he bit her finger soi ely, and strange to tell, in consequence she died, she died in a manner hitherto clearly deemed impossible; she died of a disease not belonging to woman, she died like a man, she died Tetanic, or in English, of
LOCKED JAW!
In regard to the animals of Cowmander, (as far as I had opportunity of observing) the whole order of nature was completely inverted in them.
All the more ponderous animals were volatile and flew, whilst the lighter species abided by and inhabited the earth. What could he so monstrous an inversion of the order of things, as to find the sky every way blackened with armies of elephants, rhinoceros’s, mamoth’s and such like, expanding over acres of sky, their long athletic wings, then immense bowsprits; whilst the ducks and ducklings, drakes, drakets, larks and larklings, linnets, linnetets and all the lesser tribes and smaller fry never set foot o.l earth.
] t was sometime after my arrival there, before I ventnr d caelum intueri for fear of a broken head. But use is thing, for w hen I observed them to fly so high, my heait was at ease, and I again held up this head like a man, The serpents and reptile class had legs and ieet, and monstrous fast they ran ; for in one instance, hail not tear assisted my flight, I should have fairly been run down aud devoured by a snake, after a very long chase. Indeed! would have been a dead man, but for a leek, which on my tumbling happened to pop on! of my pocket chuck against the nose of the serpent. A word to the wise, tie s or back like wild lire.	_42
O happy Leek,
O! happy I,
Just ’ginning to squeak, for noe O thee to spy.
Poetic Effusions of Cowmancter.
SH AKE your heads and wag your tails, for your Parents were begotten on the mountains ;
Lick your skins, coil up the hairs, for your Mothers were pustuled all over.
Prink of the milk, sport on the plains, for as the Lamb, so bounded your young ones.
I must now beg a truce to all further investigation of 'he manners and characters of this monstrous fine nation, t am this moment informed that the Vacs have appointed a member to visit Choromander; of course, the natural history, and every thing connected with them, will be so amply described, as to render any continued attempt of mine both presumptuous and unnecessary. Possibly the offer of any sketches which my port-folio affords of this ex-*eniric people, may not altogether be unacceptable. The society shall be welcome to them, and I offer them with all due respect and deference ; but my papers have been put together in so loose a way, as utterly to preclude any other use, beyond the temporary amusement of those who do'¡it think deeply : and in fact, I only dedicate them to such as wish to lull and scumble over the sad u Ach—es if ihe head, and the sad h-^-es of the heart.”(*) If I have
(*) When a celebrated Trageedian (with his hand upon his stomach), was complaining in bitter accents,— Oh Gloucester, Oh Gloucester, what *c—hes. What a cheese.—A little mongor from the pit exclaimed, thank you sir. thank you, excellent, most excellent, for I deals in it, 1 deals in it. How different from that low fellow in the high gallery— tl—p your cheese, I hates a cheese.43
been fortunate enough to compass this good end, however trifling, criticism or spleen shall not rob me of one short moment of consolation ; the consolation of being the greatest fool in my family.
Mais
si le jeu vaut, si le jeu vaut, si le jeu vaut—la chandelle.
THE SUM MUM BONUM OF
PHYSIOLOGY.
NO if I might have had my life for it I never could have met with such another opportunity of describing, what had never before been seen, nor perhaps ever will again by any European. It was a new-born Anthropoh; in fact I was (by a most peculiar fortune) present just after the birth. The particulars need not be related, suffice it to say, that it was the highest luxury a physiologist could wish.
In such a state, wonderful, most wonderful is it.butthe whole animal organization and actions are at once apparent. What was my astonishment when I beheld the thorax, the abdomen, the head in a most complete transparent state ; so that even the very union of solids and fluids, of flesh and blood, of the existence of the living principle was apparent ; nay of the very infusion of life,' and of those line shades which constitute the refinement of matter into soul—say Divinity. This I saw and beheld most evidently. Now let me ask, where is the man who <jan say half so much, or prove one-third of it ? but no one knows where luck shall light. Let me record in the fewest words possible, the real state of the parts. In the abdomen, I plainly discovered the whole process of chylyfac-tion ; I sawr crude, undigested meconium in the stomach ■, the duodenum opening its pyloric month, ready to receive the first wished-for drops of aliment; and as the child had «eceived a few spoonsful of it before I was present, the action of the alimentary canal was commenced. Mercy what a pouring of fluids into the stomach ; what writhing and working in the jejunum, what beautiful little tremors44
in ihe whole canal, how distinctly, how sagaciously the little ampuilulaj kept pushing up their wistful heads, to taste the pabulum ! No part of the tract was idle, fibres, spiral, longitudinal, circular, nerves, blood vessels, absorbents, secretory, excretory, all, all were one tissue of moving, attracting and of repelling life. But how nrild, how elegant sprang up these little silver streams of chyle all along the meandering course of the mesentery; how brilliantly contrasted by the purple jets of blood, and these again by the irritable threads of nerves, requesting, nay-enforcing the action of the absorbents and lacteals. Heavens, how exquisite ! during this busy process, the canal unmindful as it were of the rest, was gently extruding the exuviae.
The insert liver appeared a mere reservoir, passing on slow its contents, the residuum of blood, which we call bile ; the gall bladder was heedless whether it admitted it or not, and rousing suddenly, as it were from a doze, its whole neck shook, and let the bile escape. At this moment a tinge and constriction urged the whole duodenum, and interested the cross bar of the jejunum, which thusex-cited, opened a passage, and imbrued its contents in the fluid.
The indolent spleen heaved and sighed, filled and emptied as the liver and stomach urged ; it acted like a bellows, now full then empty, the stomach soon regorged. The kidneys were for ever tremulous, aud the fluids passed with the utmost ease and solubility ; the blood came pouring in quick and strong ; the kidney seemed to sweat for fear, relaxed and filled its reservoirs; these soon were turgid, and overpowering the sphincters, I saw the ureter^swell. The bladder took all well. But how shall f express that noble column of chyle, that doric pillar the thoracic duct, the milky way ; a pillar of the purest ore, white by comparison with the purple streams, but in reality grey ; how full of animal juice, and yet how diversified, how diluted w ith the teeming stream of lymph from above and below ; the motion of this column, the regularity of its course, the incessant admixture, the richness of its contents, singularly pleased me. At it* ri«e from the loins, it was slow in its progress ; but when it arrived at its height, a very smart aud greedy void took place, the thirstyvessels drew it with a must impressive attraction, to the wreat cauldron of animal influence the heart. Iiiere tee tourbillon was so surprising that I was lost in sight, so rapid was the admixture. Every possible gradation oi colour, (from scarlet to modena), from chyle to blood was most visible ; the lashing of the various tides against the side of the heart ; the immense stricture and exertions of the cotrneae column® and cordai tendini® (like the spokes of a mill) were even frightful; yet it was a pleasant sight to observe the less formidable action of the coronarys which w rapt round and tw isted about the heart—trembling worms in quest of a hide hole ! But when l looked upwards and downwards to the irresistible currents of blood, my head turned and I thought myself on the verge of Niagara. 1 he course in the carotids was by no meansv vapid ; but the extraordinary twist of the vertebráis at once spoilt the balance and a^ain Í fancied myself in Merlin’s swing. At the entrance however of the brain, the scene changed, and the circulation of the fluids in Willis’s circle appeared as magic, or like northern lights,all playing and shooting to a centre, but to such a centre as at once changed the w hole nature of the animal ; ten thousand moving powers, at once in motion, fining and refining, to a most masterly degree. The brain appeared one luminous mass of phosphorus i h.e orbits enlighten'd caves lit up by crystals, topazes, rubies, sapphires, with refracting and reflecting streams of the purest gas lights, and most perfect brilliants, i hese apnea ed^o strike thro’ a vivid tube of chemic fire ; mine midst of this brilliant display of five works, fountains of the most limpid water bubbled in the ventricles, ant * gprino- of vapor of most active life, seemed to arise and iri the form of gas of most athereal kind, to create what I should call the essence or soul of man ; from this, shades of various lues, influences of dijerent kinds liovei ^ the brain; nay every part seemed to	d
w ith an attraction like lunar influence. 1 he lungs tcimco a finJdisplay of animal chemistry, I was at once satisfied that the cSlation, if it may he so called, commenced its career in the right pulmonary \eins.	.
I saw the origin of this circulation to anse on J the ^ tiou of the air upon the fluids, I cmnd P( .	, t ¡
bles distinctly' expanding by rarefaction, and tbu* di,i m
1	I46
jog the muscular aparatus of the arteries, to produce str-uinlns and a consequent contraction upon t’ie fluids.
The process of inhaling air and exhaling vapour was most admirably distinct. Two sets of flattened vessels of most exquisite texture performed this office. They were both situated within the curious vesicles of the lungs.. As one vesicle was occupied in recovering, the other was expelling, so that the vesicle by this means was never too much distended. The air cells were indiscribably elegant, especially when surrounded by the numerous anastamoses of arteries and veins, and by transparent lymphatics.
There was a chemical process going on, which tho’ apparent, I could not comprehend ; it was the curious combination of airs (from oxygen to azot), which were perpetually generating, and w'hich gave, or seemed to give colour to the blood. The light was superb, Amongst them heat was produced, as appeared most evident, by the considerable effect which it had of rarefying certain parts, more than others, of the circulating medium.
The effect however of breathing was miraculous, each tune that the lungs were inflated, a brilliant hue pervaded the ivhole pulmonary system, and when this was in systole opacity was produced, so that the instant change from one state to the other was resplendent and curious to admiral lion. One circumstance [ perceived not in unison with •tilers ; a long desultory opake vessel went direct from the bead to the heart; it conveyed a secreted fluid (bfack bile and melancholy,) of which the smallest drop, when discharged into that organ, seemed to paralyse and chagrine the whole system ; It was like anger stealing over the cheek of pleasantry. Some peculiar appearances presented themselves in the sexual organs ; yet as the curling of. the vessels, like wreathing serpents, foreboded no good, I, quitted the investigation.
Finally, i plainly discovered, a set of vessels connected with the nerves, brain, and vesieular tubes, which has not as yet been displayed by anatomists.
1 have not lime to expose them, I apprehend they belong to the cordon of sympathies.
But the mysteries which I witnessed in the hepatic regions, when the lireath of life kindled in the child are such, as must never be revealed ; such as remind me more of an41
act of the inspired wind, than of any Ihing befitting human comprehension. When the tide of life first rushes thro1 the
portre, O Heavens ! But stop, lest the miracle out---
What out?
O nunquam, nunquam, nunquam Oh !
Oh mind, mind,—what something yet ?
The Extremum usque.
Why comes it here? As befitting not the public eye, for being the soul of the work, it could not be incorporated with the body.
The Brain and Nerves,
“ Ex TVihilo creatus Mundus.” Aye ! Then dialogue it out.
Q. Whence came the brain? rh From the mass of secre» tions.
Q. Howr came the brain ? A. Like a dish of platter.
Q. Whence came the brain? A. From Willis1 circle. When came the brain? A. It was there when 1 found it.
q. Was it solid or fluid ? A. It was betwixt the two. q. Had it ever been fluid ? A. No doubt, no doubt. q. Then how came it fluid ? A, By the beat oi imagina-
q. Of imagination, how? A. Yes by the passion of the
q j}ut why by passion ? A. Because it would not be
q. How do you know ? A. Because it cried, kickt and
stampt again.	.
Q. And could this also hx the brani:
A Yes the heat of circulation dried up the moisture. U. Then was there originally much moisture.
A. Yes, the braiu was an universal deluge.d
a
j.
d
d
d
d
ti-
ll
a-
d
A.
d
d
A.
d
A.
Q-
d
Q.
Q.
Q.
Q.
Q.
O,
A-
Q
Q
■18
A .*. A- Yes it was poured into every orany of the ¿oull, like fluid cement.
Tl tr, flow came it white and how came it grey ?
!?■ *’!fe ‘^The gfey kept outward, the white within. \s flow ‘ A. Like damp upon a wall, or chamferd
'»wr. d Indeed? A. Indeed,	■
lU, ho« came (ho channels? B, depositofslmte
How ’ A. As the current run it left its tiach.
What a regular track? A, Yes, afterwards called Iop‘HndinaI and lateral sinus.
The, how came room for the vessels?	Room,
easily, ihe tree shot thro’ the brain. hi,e zina m lime
water.
Is this all? A. Yes—plenty.
But what of the nerves?
The nerves ! they are mere fiddle-strings.
Why fiddle-strings ? A. Because they are play cl upon. What in more ways than one?
Yes, in a thousand ways, both merry ant la.,.
And whence came they V From the universal platter.
How got they out ? A. By the holes in the scull. What when the brain was fluid? A. Most certain v. And where did they run ? A- Here andtnere, and every
where.
, What to any particular part ? A. Rather so.
! o where? ‘ A. To the rudder ot the ship.
An odd name. A. Well then call it the penal statue. Still odd. A. Then call it corpus cavernosum.
, Verv proper, any where else?
Yes in other instances to the centrum nervosum.
. What to do there ? A- To constnng and produce
mony. Q. Any thing more? A. \ *s to create.
. To create, to create what? A. Sounds and sensations. Ah, caudide, candide,—then tout est au imeux.
Yes it is candid, candid indeed,-
“• Candidus imperte.” What eye.
(1, am afraid this isali my eye,) ^
My Eye,—No, it«
Delivered from our	DICKS
Lvate Press, in the Island of
Nosnikta.—1808.49
NOTES.
(a) BEFORE I hit upon the happy thought of the wasp and hornet’s sting as vaccinators, 1 had succeeded very-well in another, but much more inconvenient invention ; i always used glass vaccinators (preserving the usual shape v of a lancet,) which I had rendered as ductile and souple as an Andrea Ferara ; but the great difficulty was in procuring a box that should preserve the vaccine fluid fit for use, This however I accomplished in the following manner :— The boxes were very small, like those we use for vinaigre des voleurs ; these I called the Vesuvian, from the mineral compoition which 1 procured from mount Vesuvius ; but the process was slow and hazardous, it was as follows:
I took a number of old fiddle-strings, (being a bit of a scraper,) which I had been collecting all my life, these I tied together, smeared with a gluten of my own invention, called the Saiamandreari Glue, from the Island ofNosnikta, Ion. 20, lat. 55, which effectually prevented the action of fire upon them, and in this way, standing over the. crater of Vesuvius, I let down a crucible fit for the purpose, and there remained with a mask over my face, twelve hours;
' in this time a very line mineral fluid had exuded from the mountain, and had quite tilled the crucible, this became the ore for the boxes ; but the most inconvenient part of the operation only commenced here, and w hich nothing could have made to succeed but a lucky incident. I knew well from observation, that this mineral fluid required to pass thro’ the immense variety of temperature which obtained between Vesuvius and a certain latitude, bringing it to a degree nearer to the northern pole than ever had been approached ; this was undertaken by my worthy friend Captain Longitude, who was then ou his voyage to visit both poles ; this mineral fluid he took with him in his pocket, and safely returned it me to Europe, by the Extraordinary packet; of it I made a great many boxes, which l distributed to some of my inoculating friends, (as they50
know), ortiewl have now to sell, and this »> tlie use of “hem • they preserve the vaccine in a solid, as it were m a frozen’ slate ; by means however, of a prism, exposed to a gaseous light, it thaws upon the surface, and a drop is inserted thro’ the hornet’s sting, being fit for use I he remainder in the box hardens again, and may be kept so for eternity, free from oxygen or the phaged influence of chy-mistrv. On seeing the colour and the effect, &c- of the different temperatures upon this metal, my friend observes, that he was satisfied this was the very mineral, composing a bar of metal and its two bushes, that perforate the centre of the world, and on which it turns ; for he has (after a perseverance of fifty years,) clearly' seen the axis of the adobe, both at the north and southern pole. Captain Lon-gitude observes, that in his opinion this metal differs from ail others, by its being so compact as to have none of taose tetenutiol spaces of mailer	NEWTON.
(b) To exemplify an extraordinary instance of the wonderful faculty, which a gentleman of my acquaintance possessed, of detecting springs of water whenever he walked over them ; accident threw that gentleman and myself into an attic room to look at a painting, a child with a vaccine pustule at height was laid in bed. in the room below; iu passing over the identical spot where the child lay, stopped short, as it were by an epileptic attack,, andl e -claimed, a spring, a spring, water, water, theclear water! It was quite hydrophobic; in conimnon, ue stood as if pertrified •, but returning recollection made us mqu re into the mystery, when we found the arm of the child beneath presenting, wiih a very full pustule, m e ne perpendicular of his footstep. How admirable the g of nature! Need we wonder at the expansive vapour, when even a few drops of water could command the sympathies of this gentleman? but query, Y think reader, that person would be susceptible of theatUOt of hydrophobia ? Was not the expression y lie .>	.
suit us tendinum of the tongue, which we could	5^
And who could foresee, that from this little vacc	^
80 many rivers could be produced, or sue i a sea	veg
force ? How furious has been the conflict o . jent]y 'where the soft and foaming surge has broke so	3(
upon the petrous portions of the hard and r< c ythe Vaccinists. What availed the luminous and gaseous lights of the Anti vacs, to these dashing mariners »if thev have succeeded in their attacks upon the land of these Antis, will not the conquest be held upon the precarious tenure of a shipwrecked sailor, who in the fury of the wreck, was thrown upon the shore, he could not with his colours deck. Was it not more luck than skill or seamanship ? How long they may be able to keep possession of the territory, time alone can tell ; for some at present assert, the charm is dispelling, and if so good bye to you Monsieurs \ acs ; like ail other flirts, you will tumble down the hill faster than yon rolled up it. Let me ask your honours who will then'“ twinkle in their own hemispheres ? I don’t know whether I dare conclude, that on earth, ye are the vilest of fellows, and if I had you at my organ, I would burst you with blowing the beilows.
(c)	One remark however, 1 have reserved for my friends, (which are but few), that the best part of the cheese which 1 can recommend (’(is true), and which they may find by seeking, is a bit of file blue !
(d)	It was afterwards known that a milk maid had accidentally found this Key. which being neat and ornamental, she had hung round her neck, and thus inclined upon a sunny bank, ’twixt sleep and awake, her eyes half open, (and electric as a cat) she lay purring and indulging, Oh capua, capua, sweet Tomas, O Tom i but as the domestic Haller (who had great experience) says, Ornne animal post co— trisie. 1 lum light urn ! my conscience
says, it hates a tightham, there is no making any thing of it; and doubts not of the truth, that if you let a pan, you will pick a pocket. Better let some blood as to let some puns, for it is tantamount, all pickpocket work. Pray my good conscience, good conscience sir. bad conscience sir, well then, pray my bad conscience, cannot you be easy, trim, trim the boat and sit. quiet ? for, hark ye, qui vnlt decipi decipiafur.
(e) Fond of painting to excess, nothing would serve me now but to prepare my palate, and to have a touch at this horizon ; well, l arranged my colors, and amongst them lake; but why lake says I, you don’t want to make water sir, there isno water to be drawn, (a surgeon draw water!) no need of lake, no, there is nothing but dull and dismal52
horizon % then history, beg pardon I meant bistor. In fact, it soon appeared that 1 was, but i, but hat i was no Tintoret, for nothing could I paint but blushes, yes, and whatever the world may think, my own blushes. Now vanity arose and whispered, if you can do this, bravo, sir for finely to express fiction, equal to reality, displays at once the finished artist.
But Painters, observe, if I may judge of you by myself, the time when you shall find your pallets best set, will be
at dinner time.	.	.	.
rn I here prefix the chaunt of Antivaccimsts, as it was sung by the whole of the army at the solemnization of the ceremony which determined on war.
FEE, FO, FUM.
The chaunt commenced with the general in chief, oy t ie simple expression of the words and the tune, hee, ho, hum in the chord of C. This was first distinctly answered by the different battalions through the line. Then they be„ to vary the stave, and continued it in a simple fuge, som «.•haunting in succession. Fee. Fo, the others modu at ng and dwelling on Fum. And in the soiemu manner in which
it was performed, had at once a most impressive aweful, and
war-like sound ;(*) but it being however, hulled to me by a friend, that possibly a more accurate copy of this chaunt mi edit he acceptable, (especially to those wno are partial martial music.) therefore, ever desirous of pleasing my respective friends, and the public, I have given a more ft rehearsal of it ; and 5 hope it will be found tuat I hav delivered all that was truly musical of Ihis famous song as far as intonation goes. But there was one pa.it or I neither find tones or words. W« must however understand that only one instrument accompanied the voices it was an immense huge serpent, of the size;°f those m Africa the Boa Constrictor; and in the tern ymg and animated, passages of the song, wheezed out such horrid and fr _ ful hissings, as never can be expressed, or ever vvere it was the effect of a peculiar valvular construction.
(,*; u was not a tit lie remarkable, that the effect of this	farf.
upon the neighbouring cattle was such, as to disperse ■ „rlv over ously in ail directions. Indeed one Battalion hai >e’	„or.
thrown by the enraged attack of them. “ 111 omen was,
tend".--Wards Cantos.1 idusi apologize to the public for using so sorry a musical gamut, not being otherwise sufficiently expert as to express it in notes. Two words will almost* suffice for an explanation of rny verbal gamut.
The notes are represented by words, rising and falling as they are written, undulating whenwavy, straight whe'n seen so.
N. B. This lmd a line effect ; it was an ascending nebulous, lamenting series of half tones, with alternate emphasis.
Separate Baits.—We smell, we smell, we smell, we smell, One burst—Chorus------------the blood, the blood
2nd Bat..—We soil lei, sntl [el, sin! [el, snil lei,
(*) A private witli more wit than good sense, was heard in ridicule, distinctly to pervert tiie word Finn into Fun; He was instantly drum--ed out of the line, so dangerous is wit, when .misapplied.
Solo the General.
FEE, FO, FUM, Answered by separate battalions.
2d Battalion,
2d. Battalion .... Bread. Chorus.—Fee. Fo, Funi.*
2nd Battalion.------of a vaccine man,
4th Battalion.... |aa| we jaa] we |aa| we |aaj
E 354
1st & 2d Bats. Fee, Fo 3d & 4th Fee, Fo 4th Fum, Fum
**uis rUt/,
]St & 2d Bats..Wewnaa, siaaij ^*0,% f f>
The expression of this was 2 Bats, in the ascending and 2 in the descending scale.




Chorus.___We smeli the blood, we smell the blood,
isl gat,___of a vaccine man. 2d Bat.—of a vaccine man.
Fuge thro1 the line
of a Vaccine, Vaccine, Vaccine.
( \	t—		t—^	
aa I sm	aa	sm	aa 1 1 sm	aa
		v	J	i	;	
2d Bat.—We sm	I sm | sm |	1 sm (	[ el,
We smell, we smell, we smell, we smell, The blood of a Vac, the blood of a Vac, (Bis.) Tenor voices.................Vac, Vac, Vac,
4th Battalion...........Bat
we'll grind, well grind,	Jlo o+
we’ll grind, we’ll grind,	/
4	*
1st. .Ascending
iod,



Kji.
3 & 4 Descending.
J,*<1
Chorus.....His hones,
His bones, (grand Fuge Chorus.) We’ll grind, and grind his cursed bones to bread, anti crrind	.	~	• *	#•	* •55
Bones to bread, bis bones, his cursed bones, bones, rrsed cursed bones to bread, his too cursed bones, broad, hi* cursed, cursed, cursed cursed,
(Bases) Bones, bones, bones, bones.
Grand Chorus, (here swell the throat) Our bread, bis bones, our bones, his bread. Our cursed bones and cursed bread.	—
However severe and contrary to my nature it may be, in the cause of the Antivacs 1 cannot refrain from observing, that if they had handled their arms as well as they handled this chorus, that night would they' have slept in the arms °f victory, if you ask me the reason, why I have not also given a specimen of the war song of the Vacs, I’ll tell you; they have no music in their souls, and of course «ere better fitted lor treason, stratagem, and spoils.” Had not the impudence of the Vaccinists (for ilium periiseduco cui quideui periit puder) exceeded any thing, the very sight and air of the serpent would have firightened and blown item all to the devil.(+)
(h)	It may please the eye of speculation, to examine the changes which take place on the surface of the skins of the Authropoboons, from the temperature and difference of climate ; they may vary as much as wool from England and Spain. It will therefore, be for future naturalists to remark the peculiarities of ihe various breeds. The Anthro-pobos we find is naturally hirsute, and so must continue varying, however, his fur with the climate. And 1 pray again that he may not in time, run back to the downright fur of the monkey, or touch upon the stria- of the Hyena. At all events, I think it will be a matter of prudence in families to take their vaccine from subjects which inhabit the countries unfavourable to the growth of shag ; for too much shag in a family, might disfigure the family very much.
(i)	it is wonderful to contemplate the malignity of the Greeks, and of the Latins, in the artful disfiguration of their language; just let us read any page called Greek, and we shall perceive how very easy it is to restore the language to its original source, (i.e.) into English. A few
(t) Any professor of music who wishes to write this down, is at liberty to do it.; l enjoy no talent in music other than having two verj long and very strong ears.ob
lines of Zenophon will do os well as any oilier ; we must premise however, that in attempting to disfigure the English language, (Wh.ch all nations have done) they never stick at trities, as changin', a letter or more, but s ill we may observe with what art they have preserved the aural, the oral, and in many instances even the provincial idioms of the tongue ; nay, and even as we may see in oligarkiai, &c. &c. even the very nick-names. 1 e.
Gr. Eu noi a poth e men e geneto Eng. a new idea, or ia pother a man began to.
Gr. O sai Democratia Kati luthe san up at tan.
Eng. O say Democrasies Katy lathes hand up at town. <Gr. Allous pousbowlomenon Politeus than Emr. Ale house, punch bowl, all men own 1

thigh.
Gr. Mallon	e en Democratia.
Eng. Meddle on, or mel on (provincial) he in demon crazy.
Gr. O sai tau, monarkoi, O sai te Oligarkiai.
Eng. O say too how, monkeys, O say too hollow girkins
Gr. A ne rentai ..	• •	• •	• • e
Eng. A new run tye(run a new tie or connexion) hey day upo Demwn. upon Demons.
Of which this is the English;
A letch seized men. Oh tell how the crazy demons caught Luthe by the hand, up the town ale-house, at the punch-bowl, and all men own how many crazy devils took hold of Polly Tues thigh, and O say too how many monkeys, and how many hollow Girkins had connexion (hey day) with these devils.
N. B. And what the devil is this at the bottom but
plain English ? The word Oligarkiai was a ludicrous epi-that amongst the Greeks, for any thing which bore a line exterior, hut was sour and hollow within, a hollow girkin
is the same in English ; he is an hollow girkin, an empty gaudy fool. It is the same in tire Latin language, (vide Swift) which is symbolically, in fact nothing but English, and L know that with a little trouble, I could in pro-gressu of reading, prove and make it appear so ; Indeed what is the following but English ?57
Choromandarum gentem stridoris hdrrendi hirtis (which in the original edition is hirsutis) corporibus.
And as thus,
Lat. Choromandarum gentem stridoris horrendi.
Eng. Cowman dairy gentry striders horrid.
Lat. Hirsutis Corporibus,
Eng. Hair suit is corps body or corporation, i. e. a full suit of hair all over, (vide note h).
Lat. Oculis Glaucis,
Eng. Oglers or eyes, saucers or Gloster, called Gloster oglers, from the peculiar bestial eye.
Lat. Dentibus caninis.
Eng. Dentifrice (canine or dog-toothed), which therefore reads thus,
The cowman dairy gentry', horrid striders, with hairy bodies, Gloster eyes, and teeth like dogs.
*4 Is there any thing of which it may be said, see this is new?”
We here see how malignantly pointed, and yet how correct is the allusion to the inhabitants and country of Cow-pock, (viz.) Gloucestershire. Now can we possibly suppose that Pliny, who wrote this description, did not know it was plain English, and that it was descriptive, not only of the country, of the inhabitants, but of the disease called Cow-pock. And I am not sure but that strange uncommon being, (Hugh Capac or Capet) of whom we read in France, was not one of the true original Cow-pock breed, or the iirst of the perfect Anthropoboons who visited that country, (ergo called the huge Cow-pock . How directly Pliny’s description, as to the language, attaches to our subject, the translation, or juxta position o the words will evince ; and it not only elucidates this part of the history, hut also serves to strengthen a *nn 'e.	^
which 1 maintain, and on which l am now cnS®S ‘
work, that all the languages, both living and dead,
even all languages, which shall at any	j ’nr 0[(]
been, are, or must he not tally derivatives 1	jess
mother tongue, but absolutely are m.t m-g ■1	, .
r;),orLtv:;':oie 1 (u, ^.................g*
tular.) and that front then, the whole race of men ortgt58
nally sprang up in this island, and from that particular part of the island called Gloucestershire, where the Covv-pock originates. Nor need we at present, generally go farther into proof, than what may he infer’d from the irresistible height to which the disease called Nostalgia now obtains thro1 the world. Is there a nation on earih at this present moment, which does not thirst violently to ne hack again to Old England? And this holds good (as it naturally ought) in a most extraordinary degree, in nations proportionate to their proximity to the island ; for instance, France was hut just separated from us by one night’s unlucky and severe frost; this made a gap in the earth, barely sufficient at first to divide us, but which, from the influx and rapidity of the sea, could never be made up again. 1 say on this account, France, of all other nations, is now the most obnoxious to the English Nostalgia. Russia, China, America. &c. &c. less so. If this axiom be not clear, then blot out all the axioms that ever existed. I insist upon it however that it is so, therefore, argument can he of no further avail.
(j) I once attended a case in point, whose circumstances and symptoms accorded so wonderfully with those of a Latin author, as to induce me to quote his terms, as subservient to both. What may not that man deserve, who attends such a case?
Duma mons parturiens.
Syinptomata a primo mane vultus rngens niger et hebi-tosus, convulsiones et spasmse universales stringentes, vo-mitus et singultus volcanieus, per maximos crueiatus ad risum sardonicum straljismumque usque; portae omnes apertae, ernptio tempestuosa quasi calaraeti cum profluvio ad inundationem aquoso; ascites tensa cum Hydrocele 1 unices vaginalis uteri; Haemorrhagiae ad animi deliquium Tympanites et Physometra chromatica strepitosa promts ad tympani rnpturum. Flatus etiam et emetafio nauseans; gas azoticam (an ill wind that blows no body good) a re-cessu sacro (ut navigatio inter Scyllam et Charybdem apud aquas et ventos periculosa) Urina decidua baud parca sine venia cum susurru. Os sacrum (non sacrum vult) disfractum clangosum, veluti mari turbido navis.59
!eon Prempi18 passione iliaca. Pubis symphisis divulsug sine sympalliiá. Authiax Hematodes loco membranarum Spasm* viólenles reuitenfes ad portam Inferi Tine*, et tandem post horas duodecim agonizantes, ululantes, Ecce Ca'sar, f *tus pr*po'!ens, salvus (Gallicé un tier animai) Anglice the size of a Pepper Corn.
Tite labor hoc opus pst.,y
N. B. The Musical Stave, &c. of this book was emprinted^ by the famous U. U. Carol printer, a New Fork Printer of England, and Mary-Land in America,
£§= The Author has been enabled to discover, only four autient representations of the Head of the Anthropo-bos; and his best informed Antiquarian friends have assured him, that, the Bust taken out of the river Xanthos, (as marked noT. xant.) is supposed to be the most original Head of them all, actually in existence. It is in high preservation in Sir Wm. Hamilton’s collection; and lucky it has been for the Antiquarian world in general, and the author in particular, that the Xanthos is a fresh water river; which is easily proved by the Bronze of the Statue being uncorroded.
errata.
Page 10. For specificially, read specifically. 11. for county, read country.
24. for sensorem, read sensoreum.
29.	for delorosum, read dolorosum.
____ for throw that, read throw’ them.
30.	for posuise, read posuisse.
— for weap, read weep.
44.	for inhert, read inert.
45.	for Corneae, read Carney.
58.	for Volcanieus, read Volcanicus.
59.	for Anthiax, read Anthrax,