ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN Production Note Project Unica Rare Book & Manuscript Library University of Illinois Library at Urbana-Champaign 2015^%Ao ADVERTISEMENT. r~S J H E following fcencs are not publiihed with any o-§ ther view, than merely to entertain thofe who aro JsL fond of half an hours agreeable amufement at the Theatre; and are compil’d, with fame alterations, from a celebrated Comedy written by C. Cibber, call’d the Double Gallant, or the Sick Lady’s cure. Some people may fay, what occafion is there to fhortea a good Play, when the whole might as well be reprefented, as a part ? To which- 1 anfwer, that too great' a number of characters frequently hinders the performance of many good Plays in fmall Companies. Wou’d it not therefore be a great pity, that the Public ihou’d not be gratified with a few fclect feenes, rather than let fo much wit and humour lie dormant ? Beiides, cuitom has long adopted the method of turning Plays into Farces ; witnefs the Wanton Wife, the Gholt„ Friendihip a-la-mode and the Wrangling Lovers. The. Comedies from which they’ are extradited being in great repute ; particularly the two lad, which are taken from the Faife Friend, and the Midake, both by Sir John Vanbrugh. My chief reafon for publiihing the following pages, was owing to the great fcarcity of good Farces ; as I am of o-pinion that a few well-chofe'n Icenes from a good Comedy, are much preferable to the many fooliih entertainments of two aits, which are oblig’d to be impos'd upon the Audience, merely for want of a better collcition than the Eng-liih Lngtiage at preient affords*. I cannot fay any more in vindication of myfelf,. for mangling the remains of poor Cibber, therefore hope the indulgent Public will excuie this firit attempt of their molt'obedient, and very humble Servant, Newry, July-lit, 1.771. £. FORDE, Dramatis Perfonx. MEN. Sir Solomon Sadlifb,. Clrrimont. Careless. Do£tor Bolus, a PhyHcian. Mr. Rhubarb, an Apothecary, Supple, Sir Solomon’s Man. Finder, Servant to Clerimont. Pqmpey, (a black,) fervant to Lady Dainty, \V Q M E N. Lady Sadlife, Lady Dainty. W i s h w e l l , Maid to Lady Sadliffe Sit up, Maid to Lady Dainty. . #■. SCENE, LONDON.TH E MIRACULOUS CURE: OR, THE Citizen Out-witted. ACT I. S C E N E I. * any ccnfidefation, throw yourfelf into this hofpital, this box of phyfic, and lie all night like leaf-gold upon a pill r Care, Pfiia \ man, this .is not half the evil; herThe Citizen Outfitted. ti her humour is as fantailic as her diet ; nothing that is Engliih mult come near her ; all her delight is in foreign impertinences :—in ihort fhe’s for any thing that comes from beyond lea, as file calls it ; fhe fays, the greateft mon-iters are thofe of her own country ; and fhe’s in love with nothing, on this fide the line, but Doctors and Apothecaries.. Cler. Apothecaries, quotha f why your mi A trefs, for aught I fee,. is a perfect dofe of folly and phyfic ;—in a month’s time file’ll grow like an Antimonial. cup, and a kifs will be able ro work with you. . Care.. Ay ; but to prevent that, Tom, I de-fign, upon the w'edding-day, to break all her gallipots, kick her Dodtor down if airs, and force her, initead of phyfic, to take a hearty meal of a fwinging rump of boil’d beef and carrots,— and fo I have told her too. Cler. Methinks it was rather too familiar to tell her fo :—but are you fo near being man and wife ? Care. Oh ! nearer, for I fometimes plague her till fhe hates the very fight of me.—But I intend to fee a Doflor to prcfcribe her an hour of my converfadon to be taken every night and morning ; and this to be continued kill her fever of averfion is over.—But, prithee, 1 ora, how ftand thy affairs with Lady Sadiife ? Cler. Why, pretty well ; I can’t fay I have fo many obitaciej in my way as you have ; - butn The Miraculous Cure : Or, but' let’s turn into a private walk, and 111 be more explicit. Care. With all my heart. Allons ! [Exeunt. SCENE III. Sir Solomon’* houfe. Enter Sir Solomon leading Lady Sad life; Wiihwell following. Sir Sol. There, madam, let me have no more of thefe airings —no good, I’m fare, can keep a woman five or fix hours abroad oi a morning.. Lady. You deny me ail the innocent freedoms of life. Sir Sol. Innocent freedoms, quotha •! —Intriguing, gaming, gadding, and your private parties are innocent freedoms to be fure. Lady. I don’t know what you mean, Sir Solomon ; Em fure I have not one acquaintance in the world that does an ill thing. Sir Sol. They mud be better look’d after than your Ladyfmp then - but hi! mend my hand as fail as I can : do you look to your reputation henceforward, and I’ll take care of your perfon, I’ll warrant you. J^ady. Indeed, Sir Solomon, you wrong my virtue with thefe unjuft fufpicrons. Sir Sol. Ay; it’s no matter for that ; better I wrong it than you.—But I’ll fecure my doors for this day at leaft. [Exit. Lady. Oh ! Wiihwell, what ihall I do ? Wijh. What’s the matter, madam ? Lady.The Citizen Out-witted. ! g Lady. I expeit a letter from a Gentleman every minute, and if it fliou’d fall into SirJSo--lomon’s hands, I’m ruin’d pail redemption. TViJh. But fare, ma’am, if they are directed to me as. they uf’d to be, he. won’t fufpett any thing. Lady. But liis jealoufy’s grown fo violent, of late, there’s no trailing to that now ; and I’m fure, if he meets it, i ihall be lock’d up for ever. TViJh. Oh ! dear madam, I vow your Lady-fhip frights me!—why, he’ll certainly kilhme for keeping counfel. Lady. Run to the window, quick, and watch the meilenger. fViJh. Oh ! dear ma’am, I will, I will. \_Lxit rufining* Lady. I’m in hopes file’ll fee the meilenger, and be able to inform him of Sir Solomon being in the fway. [knocking at the door.] Ah! there’s my ruin near ! I feel it '.—what ihall I do? be very infolent, or very humble and cry ?—I have known fome women,.upon thefe occaiions, outftrut their husband’s jealoufy, and make ’em aide pardon for finding ’em out.—oh i Lud ! here he comes!—I can’t do it—my courage fails me—I muit e’en (lick to my handker-. chief, and trail to nature to bring me oil., Enter Sir Solomon with a letter., Sir Sol. So—with fome difficulty I got the party-colour’d-gentleman to let me have thisf4 The Miraculous Cure : Or, hopeful epiftle; and now I iliall make bold to-read it. Lady. I am loft for ever ! \_aftdc. Sir Sol, breads.11 Pardon, moil divine “ creature, the impatience of my heart,” very well! thefe are her innocent freedoms! ah! the cockatrice 1— “ which languifhes for an “ opportunity to convince you of it’s fincerity.” Oh ! the tender fon of a whore !— “ which jhe falls under him* TV'Jb. [Jbnek-s.-\ Ah !—who’s this ?—help! murder ! help ! £ firuggliugi Sir Sol. No, traitrefs! don’t think to efcape me; for now I have trapp’d you in your guilt, I cou’d find in my heart to have 37011 flea’d a-live, your fkin huff’d, and hung up in the middle of Guild-hall, as a terrible confequence of Cuckoldom to the whole City.— Lights! light* there,. I fay i . • Enter3} The Citizen Oui-witted. Enter Lady Sadlife, with a Candle. Lady Oh, heav’ns! what’s the matter ? [S7r Solomon looks aflonifiP d~\ Ha ! what do I lee ! my fcrvant on the floor, and Sir Solomon offering rudenefs to her !•—Oh ! I can’t bear it ! Oil ! [ falls into a Chair. Sir Sol. What has my old friend, the De-vil, been doing here ? ' [rifes up: Lady You bafe man! is this the reward revenge O revenge oF my virtue ? Oh ! Sir Sol. My dear; my good, virtuous, injur’d dear, be patient; for here has been fuch wicked doings— Lady Wicked doings !•--------Oh, torture ! do you owm it too ! ’tis well my love protects you from my fury.—but for this wretch I this monitor ! thefe hands lhall do mejuitice, by tearing her heart out. [runs at Wilhwell.] Sir Sol. Oh ! hold, my poor, miftaken dear. —the Gods can tell, this horrid jade is innocent for me ! but, it leems, (lie has had a itrong dog in the clofet here; which I fufpe&ing, put myfelf into his place, and hadaxmoft trapp d her in her iniquity. ' Lady How ! Oh, the jade !---------I m glad to find he dare not own he was jealous of me. „ iVifb. [falls upon her kneesi] Dear madam, I hope your Ladyfhip will pardon the liberty I took in your abfence, in bringing my 1 Love/.34 The Miraculous Cure: Or, Lover info your Ladyfh'p’s chamber; but | d da’t think your Lady'll p wou’d come from prayc s fo icon; and fo I was forc’d to hide him in that clofet; and fo my mailer fufpe&. ing the bufincfs, it feems, turn’d him out unknown to me, and then put himfelf there, and io had a mind to diicover whether there wa3 any harm between us; and fo becaufe he fan-cy’d I had been naught with him — Sir Sol. Ay, my dear ; and the jade was fo confoundedly fond of me, that I grew out of all patience, and fell upon, her like a fury. Lady Horrid creature ! and does fhe think to (lay a minute longer in the family, after fuch impudence ? Sir Sol. Hold, my dear; if this ihou’d be the man that is to marry her; you know there may be no harm done yet. Wijk. Yes, madam, it was he indeed. Sir .So/, [afidef] I muftn’t let the jade be turn’d .away,, for fear fhe ihou’d put it into my Y ife’s head, that X hid myfelf to diicover her Ladyilnp, and then the devil wou’dn’t be able to live in the houfe with her. Wifi, [apart to Sir Solomon.] Now, Sir, you know what I can tell of you. Sir Sol. Hufh ! mum 1 that’s a good girl t there’s a guinea for you. [to °Wiihwelk Lady Well, my dear, upon that confi-aeration, I’ll pardon her this fault; - but pray, diilrefs, let me have no aaore fuch doings.—« Lord iThe Citizen Cui-whted. gy Lord! I’m fo difordcr’d with this iright!— fetch my prayer-book, I’ll endeavour to compofe myfelf. [Exit, Lady Sad life and UiihwelJ. Sir Sol. Ay, do fo ; that’s my good dear!— What two bl tiffed efcapes I have had I to find myfelf no Cuckold ar laff, and, which had been equally terrible, my Wife not know I wrongfully fufpe&ed her.-well! at length I am fully convinc’d of her virtue.—and now if I can but cut off' the abominable expence that attends her impertinent acquaintance, I ihali ihew myfelf a Machiavel. Enter Wiihwell. ffijh. Sir, here’s Lady Dainty come to wait upon my Lady. Sir Sol. I’m lorry for’t with ail my heart.— why did you fay file was within ? . fViJb. Oh, fir ! ihe’s never deny’d to her, Sir Sol. Isn’t ilie fo, fir ? why then if you pleafe to leave her Ladyihip to me, I’ll begin with her frit. [Exit, Wiihwell. Enter Lady Dainty. Lady. Sir Solomon, your very humble fervent. [court]eys low. Sir Sol. Yours, yours, madam, [fnapjijbly. Lady. Where’s my Lady ? Sir Sol. Where your Ladyihip very feldom is — at prayers. Lady. [ofidei] Vulgar wretch! he’s a worie plague than the colic i ; " Enter3 6 The Miraculous Cure: Or, Enter Lady Sadlife. Lady Sad. My dear Lady Dainty! Lady Dam. Dear ma’am, I am the happiefl .perfon alive in finding your Ladyihip at home. Lady Sad. Your Ladyihip does me a great deal of honour. . \jsourtfeys. Lady Dain. I’m fure I do myfelf a great deal of pleafure. \_C9Urifeys. Sir Sol. [afide.~\ Soh ! now the play is begun, let me fee who the devil can (top ’em. Lady Dam. Oh ! my dear creature ! I have made at leaf! fifty vifits this evening ; and am io fatigued!—not but my coach is very eafy ■—yet fo much perpetual motion, you know, in my diforder— Sir Sol. [ajide.j Oh ! damn your diforder! —’sblood ! if I had the providing your equipage, you fhou’d rumble to your vifits in a wheel-barrow. Lady Sad. I fuppofe you din’d with the Dutchefs ? Lady "Dain. Oh ! my dear foul! I can’t touch any body’s dinner but my own; and I have almoil kill’d myfelf this week, for want of my ufual glafs of Tokay after my Ortolans and Mufcovy duck-eggs. Sir Sol. Odzooks! if I had the feeding of y°u. I’d bring you in a fortnight to neck-beef, and a pot of porter. ° [a fide. Lady Sad. Does your Ladyihip ever eo to the Play t Lady.The Citizen Out-zvitied. 37 Lady T>ain. Oh! never, but when I befpeak ic myfelf, and even then I don’t mind the Aclors. —my greateft diverfion if, in a repos’d pof-ture, to turn my eyes upon the Gallery, and blefs myfelf to hear the happy Savages laugh. Lady Sad. If your Ladyihip has no objection, I think we can’t do better than kill an hour or two at the Play-houfe now ; and here comes Mr. Carelefs moil opportunely to fquire us. Sir Sol. ['afide.~\ Carelefs! I don’t know him; but my Wife does, and that will do as well. Enter Carelefs. Care. Ladies, your moil obedient—Seeing your coach at the door, madam, made me enable to refill this opportunity of feeing you. You know, there’s no time to be loil in lote. ■—Sir, your moil humble fervant. c* jSiir £o\^lvJLi;OI7* Sir Sol. Oh! yours, yours, fir.-—He’s a very impudent fellow, and I’m in hopes will marry her. \_afiae. Lady Ttain. The aflurance of this creature almoil grows diverting; all one can do, can t make him the leail fenfible of a difeourage-ment. Lady Sad. Try what compliance will do; perhaps that may fright him. Lady SDain. If it were not too dear a remedy, one wou’d almoil do any thing to get rid of his company. Care\38 The Miraculous Cure : Or, Care. Which you never will, madam, ’till you marry me, depend upon’t: do that, and I’ll trouble you no more, upon my word. Sir Sol. \afide7] This fellow’s abominable! he’ll. certainly have her. Lady T)ain. There’s no depending upon your word, fir, or elfe I might; for the laft time I faw you, you told me you wou’d trouble me no more. Care. Why, that’s very true, madam ; but to keep one’s word, you know, looks like a tradesman— Sir Sol. [afide.'] Impudent rogue 1—but he’ll have her— Care. And is as much below a Gentleman, as paying one’s debts. Sir S ol. X_cifided\— If he isn’t hang’d firft. Care. Befides, madam, I coniider’d that my abfence might endanger your conhitution, which jo 1U -v-oi-y rtvar nothing hut Love Can lave it; and fo I wou’d e’en advife you to throw away your juleps, your cordials, and flops, and take me all at once. L^dy Dain. No, fir, bitter potions are not to be taken fo fuddenly. Care. Oh ! yes, madam, to choofe; for if you Hand making faces, and kecking againit it, you 11 only increaie your averfion, and de-ay the cure; come, come, madam, you mull be advis’d. _ [pr effing her in his arms. Luciy I*am. What do you l^ican, fir? Care, The Citizen Out-witled. 39 k Care. To banifh all your complaints, madam, and be myfelf your elixir of liie. Sir Sol. [afide.] By the Lord, he’ll have her! Lady Dain. Impudent, robuit man! I proteit I if I had’nt known your family, I ihou’d think your parents had’nt liv’d in chairs and coaches, but had us’d their limbs all their lives.—huh i huh! huh!—but I begin to be perfuaded health is a great bleifing. [afide. Care. My limbs, madam, were convey’d to me from before the ufe of chairs and coaches, and it might leilen the dignity of my Anceftors, t. not to ufe them as they did. [7Till prejjing her. Lady "Dain. Was there ever fuch another Barbarian ? to treat a woman of quality like an orange-girl, and exprefs your paihon with your arms!—unpoliili’d man ! a Care. I was willing, madam, to take from the vulgar the only dciirable thing among ’em, and iliew you how they live fo healthy, for they have no other remedy. [ ft ill hugging her. Lady Dain. Your medicine is a very rough one, fir : huh I huh ! Care. It may feem fo, madam, to thofe that never took it. UM&S ^er‘ Lady Dain, \_ftrugglingl] Abandon’d raviih-Cr ! oh ! x Sir Sol. [aftdel] Ay, ay ! ’tis over now; he has her. Lady Dain. Leave the room, and fee my fo.ee no more, E 2 Care.43 The Miraculous Cure : Or, Care. [Bows and is goingC\ Lady ‘Dahl. And, hark’e, hr, no bribe, no mediation to my Woman. Care. [Bows and figbsh] Lady Dain, Oh! thou profligate ! to hug! to clafp! to embrace and throw your robuft arms about me, like a vulgar creature ! Oh! I faint with the apprehenfion of fo grofs an addrefs. [ faints in his arms. Care. Oh ! my offended' fair !—I think I have work’d her to fome purpofe. [afde. Lady Dain. Inhuman ravifher ! oh! [holds him in her arms. Sir Sol. [afde.~] This is one of the moil extraordinary love-fcenes I ever faw:—but I fancy hy this time, her Ladyflhp’s delicacy wou’d be glad to compound for a little of the vulgar, as ihe calls it. Lady Dam [to Lady Sad."] Oh! my dear creature! this rude, boifterous man has given rne a thoufand diforders ; the colic, the fpleen, ti;e palpitation of the heart, and convulhons all over—huh! huh! I muff; beg you will let rue fend for my Doffor. Lady Sad. Come, come, e’en pardon him, let him be your Phyfician.—do but obferve o*s penitence; io humble he dare not fpeak to you. 1 Care. [Folds his arms and fghs.~_| Lady Sad. How can you hear him figh fo? Lady Dain. Nay, let him groan, for nothing hut his pangs can cafe me. Care.The Citizen Out-v/itted. Pare. Be then at once moil barbarouily juft, ■and take your vengeance here. [kneels, fre-fents his drawn jword, and opens his bread. Lady Dam. No, JL give thee life to make thee miferable; live, that my refenting eyes may kill thee every hour. Care. Nay then, there’s no relief but this— [ goes to flab hitnfelfl Lady Sad. flops him. Lady Sad. Ah ! hold for mercies fake!—barbarous creature! how can you fee him thus? Lady Dain. Why, I did’nt bid him kill him-felf:—but do you really think he wou’d have * done’t? Lady Sad. Certainly, if I had’nt prevented him:—won’t you vouchfafe to fpeak to him? Lady Da in. No—but if you are enough concern’d for him to be his friend—you may * tell him—not that it really is fo—but you may fay—you believe I pity him. [Jjefltating. Sir Sol. Was there ever fuch a ridiculous brimftone! s’blood! lean hold no longer! \jaflde. i —hark’e, madam, either give him yourconfent to marry you, or I’ll declare publicly to all the world, that I faw you run into his arms, and hug him ’till he was almoft fmother’d. Lady Dain. Oh ! barbarous! fure, Sir Solomon, you wou’dn’t be fo cruel ?—Mr. Careleis, you won’t fuffer this, will you ? Care. Faith I will, madam.—Come, come, you find I have you in my power, fo J. ad-vile you e’en make the bell of it. You know I am4^ The Miraculous Cure : Or, I am a Gentleman, my fortune no fmall one, and if your temper will give me leave, will en-deavour to make you happy. Lady ‘Dain. Veil, fincc it mull be, I pardon you all, and begin to think better of my fortune; and if my health were recoverable, I JhouM think myfelf completely happy. Care. Oh! for that, madam, we’ll venture to fave you Doctor’s fees, And trull to nature; time will foon difcover, Your bell Phyfician is a favour’d Lover. [Exeunt omna, fini s* !