THE SELDARTE CRAZE A FARCE BY GEORGE M. BAKER BOSTONCopyright, 1887, By GEORGE M. BAKER. The Seldarte Craze. RAND AVERY COMPANY. ELECTROTYPERS AND PRINTERS. BOSTON.CHARACTERS. Archimedes Abbott, Principal of the Realistic School of Expression. Prof. Ragmuffin, of the Tramp Department. Prof. Pomdeterre, of the Erin Department. Prof. Bologna, of the Deutsch Department. Prof. Snowball, of the African Department. Prof. Musty Knott, of the Curfew Department. Arthur James, in love with Fanny. Fred. Stokes, his friend. Fanny Abbott, daughter of Archimedes. Minnie Moneybags, a pupil. Mary, the Maid of the “ In and Out” Department. COSTUMES. Professor Abbott. Iron-gray wig, bald on top; old-fashioned suit of any kind; spectacles worn low down on his nose, so that he looks over the top of them. His manner is quick and jerky. The description of the “ system” on page 9 should be given with rapid but distinct utterance, great enthusiasm, and many gestures. Professor Potndeterre. Usual stage Irish costume; breeches and stockings, white coat, etc., red wig. Professor Bologna. Stage costume of the German comedian; cap, and long coat, light wig, smooth face. Professor Ragmuffin. Misfitting dress-suit, white tie, and immense white gloves; the waistcoat should be buttoned wrong; the shirt-collar should be stand- ing on one side, and turned down on the other, the necktie on one side; one leg of trousers sticking up to top of boot; rough wig, and bristle beard. The clothes should in every way misfit, but be scrupulously clean; the idea being, that Pro- fessor Abbott has taken him from the streets and dressed him for company. Professor Snowball. Costume of end man in minstrel-show; velvet coat liner with yellow, yellow silk breeches and stockings, preferable. Professor Musty. Bicycle-jacket, breeches, and stockings, no waistcoat; wiu-. collar of shirt to roll over coat-collar, tied with black ribbon, red crop wig; manner, stage-struck. His quotations and all of his speeches should be given in a melodramatic way; and, when not speaking, he should have a soit of “ scenting- blood ” manner. Arthur. 1st dress modern. Prince Albert coat, light trousers, full beard, hat and gloves in hand. 2d, Seldarte dress. French blouse, or Norfolk jacket will do,4 NOTES. with sleeves as described on page 30, necktie as described on page 30, long white hair to fall over shoulders, neat mustache. Immediately on quitting stage, in the crazy scene, change to first dress (without full beard). Fred. Modern. “ English” as possible. Fanny. Suit herself. Mary. Light calico with spots, or spotted muslin; apron, and maid’s cap. Minnie. Age about thirty-five; costume to be very “ young,” face old. The “ Te, he! ” in text, is meant for a giggling laugh. Gray hair, eye-glasses. NOTES. To arrange the “ Curfew,” fasten a good stout rope to the ceiling inside the C. door or alcove, let it fail about a foot below top of door. To this rope, fasten the profile of a bell, cut from pasteboard and painted, so that about three inches of rope shall fall below rim of bell; tie some paper about this and black it, and you have the tongue of your bell. In swinging the rope you swing bell, tongue, and all; but this will not be amiss. Have somebody outside L. and R. of c. door to swing “ Abbott ” after Seldarte starts him. There should be a rope hanging just inside the door for Seldarte to pull. “ England’s sun ” should be painted as setting in a bank of clouds, about three feet from stage or flat, behind C. doors, In the music, the “ Professors ” should join in the chorus of each other’s songs. JL1I LIXV* tllUOiV., VIIV* JL A WIV. 33 V/.1 3 OIIUU1U JVJHI lLl UJ The music used can be.obtained of the publishers as follows; — “College Songs,” containing, “There’s Nothing like the Chink, Chink, "hink,” “ Ma-ri had a Little^Lamb,” price 50 cents. Sheet Music, “ They get here just the same,” price 35 cents; “The Sword of Bunker Hill,” price 40 :ents; “ We’ll raise de roof to-night,” price 40 cents.THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Scene. — Professor Abbott’s academy; c., alcove or double doors open, before which are hanging closed curtains to part in the middle. Over door, sign, “ Curfew Depart- mentC Two doors R.: over one, “ Tramp Department; ” over the other, “ Erin Department.” Two doors L.: uDeutsch Department/” M* other, “ African Department.” If doors are not used, place signs on the wings. Table and chair R., i entrance. table, rubber-ball, to represent bomb. Bell. Five portmonnaies. Rocking-horse near flat R. c. Bench near fat L. c. Mary discovered at table dusting, as the curtain rises. Minnie (outside c., wrj/ loud). “ Curfew shall not ring to-night.” Musty {outside c.). u Must not.” Minnie. “ Curfew must not ring to-night.” Mary. There they go ! The same old story from morn- ing till night. “ Curfew Department! ” Torture-chamber would be a better name for that museum of horrors. I know, for, like every pupil who enters here, I came with cur- few on the brain. One week of the realistic system cured me of any desire to inflict on a long-suffering public — Minnie {outside). “ Curfew must not ring to-night.” Mary. Exactly. Oh ! you’ll wish, my dear, before you are through, that deaf old sexton had buried Bessie, bell, curfew, and Cromwell in one of his deepest graves, ere you had caught the fever. Musty {outside). Now, swing. Minnie. Oh, oh, professor! oh, oh ! Mary. She’s practising the grand acrobatic feat, hanging by the tongue of the bell. Minnie. Oh, oh 16 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Mary. She won’t do; she can’t hold her own. Musty. That will do for now. Minnie. Thank Heaven! Musty (appears c. pushing back curtains, showing against flat, u the setting sun; ” above door, the bell hanging. M innie stands rubbing her arms). The lesson is over. Minnie {comes forward rubbing her shoulders). I ’ve nearly dislocated my shoulder-blades, and my wrists — Musty. Yes; you now feel permeating your entire sys- tem the noble inspiration which caused the heroic Bessie to perform her feat of ground and lofty tumbling, that has convulsed the world. You now realize the situation, and can speak your little piece feelingly. Ah ! shoulder-blades may crack, wrists give way* but the grand idea, the soul of poetry, is with you evermore. {Holds out hand.) Five dol- lars, please. Minnie {taking out pocket-book). But, dear professor, do you really think I improve? {Gives bill.) Musty. Wonderfully, Miss Moneybags; you have genius — Minnie. Te, he! ecstatic thought. Musty. You have grace — Minnie. Te, he! O'h !'you flatter me. Musty {looking at bill). You have booty. Ahem ! beauty. Minnie. Te, he ! O professor! Musty. Three mighty powers that sway your little frame, To burst the shell, and wing their way to fame. Minnie. Be—u—tiful thought. Musty. You will be the belle of the platform. Minnie. Oh, thank you ! Te, he! Musty. Take a little rest in the anteroom ; if I get time I will give you another lesson, and {looking at bill) take a few more notes. Minnie {going r.). I shall be the belle of the platform. He has said.it. Te, he! I shall stand before thousands, the observed of all observers. At last I shall be heard. “ Curfew must not ring.” {Raises her arms.) Oh ! oh ! oh! {Exit R. i £., groaning.) Musty. Not to-night. Due notice shall be given of your first appearance — to warn the public. For further particulars,THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 7 [see (looks at bill) more small bills. {About to put it in his pocket.) Mary {takes it). Contrary to the rules. Musty. Mistress Mary, quite contrary, where does the money go? Mary {placing it in drawer of table). Into the treasury, of course. Musty. Mary. And little bills, when snugly tucked away, I May stop a leak upon some rainy day. Musty. If you are dropping into poetry, I drop out. O Mary! “ My little body is aweary of this great world.” Mary. Why, I’m sure everything goes on swimmingly here. You have the best situation of all the professors, and I — Musty. Tend the door, dust the furniture, do the little- lamb business, and pose for love in the grand display of the passion. O Mary! was it for this we left “our vine-clad hills ” ? Mary. I don’t know any thing about our vine-clad hills; but I do know, that because we succeeded in pleasing a few people in our native town with our amateur acting, we thought I we were capable of astonishing the world, so came to this I realistic school for the finishing touches, spent all our money I for lessons, and were glad enough to accept situations until ! we could get enough to return home sadder and wiser. Musty. Now you are dropping out of poetry. Ah! those days, those happy days! Methinks I see myself now on the little seven-by-nine stage, before the benign elite of Punkatunk; I hear the thunders of applause as I make my left upper entrance. {Spouts) — [ li Now is the winter of our discontent f Made glorious summer by this sun of York.” Mary. Oh, don’t! you make me homesick. Foul cankering rust the hidden treasure frets, But gold that’s put to use more gold begets.”8 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Musty. In all my triumphs you were the partner of my joys ; you were my Juliet. (Spouts) — “ It is the East, and Juliet is the sun.” Mary. And I see myself rising in the east. Musty. You were my Juliana. (Spouts) — “ The man who lays his hand upon a woman, Save in the spirit of kindness, is a wretch Whom ’twere base flattery to call a coward.” Mary. That always brought a round — Musty. You were my Hunchback, — beg pardon, my Julia. Ah ! you were a superb Julia. Mary. Oh, don’t I remember those rapturous lines! (Spouts) “Tell me, Clifford, can these nuptials be shunned with honor?” Musty (spouts). “ They can.” Mary. “ Then take me, Clifford.” (Rushes into his arms.) Musty (very loud) “ My Julia! ” (Archimedes appears l. i. e., followed by Arthur. Bo- logna, Ragmuffin, Pomdeterre, and Snowball, from their “ departments.”) Arc. Mary! (Mary screams., and runs off l. i e. ; Musty off c.) Rag. Where’s the fire ? Pom. Who’s afther breakin’ the pace, I’d loike to know ? Bol. What’s der matter mid dot noises ? Snow. Who’s dat ar’ raisin’ de roof? Arc. Never mind, professors : resume your studies. Sorry you should have been interrupted in your vowel exercise. (The four professors meet in c., fasten their eyes on open books which they hold., and return to their several “ depart- 7iientsf repeating in concert several times A, E, /, <9, U) Arthur. Now, Mr. Abbott, will you kindly give me an answer ? I love your daughter; we were engaged, with your consent, a year ago when I departed for Europe. I returned yesterday. Before seeking her, I wish to hear from your lips the assurance that I have your consent to our marriage in the shortest possible time. Arc. My dear sir, what you ask is impossible, ridiculous, absurd.THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 9 Arthur. But a year ago — Arc. I was a private citizen: to-day I am a great public benefactor, the original exponent in America of the Seldarte system, the founder of the realistic school of expression. rGigantic ! sublime! immense! We are evolutionizing ex- pression. Behold the evolution of dramatic art. True expression slumbered in its little bed till Seldarte roused it to action. All other systems attack the outworks : we of the new school throw our bombs into the magazine of pent-up eloquence, and open at once the avenues of speech, glorious ! ecstatic! superb! No artificial concentric, eccentric, and normal action of the legs, arms, and torso ; no passion save what the heart inspires. Feeling is the walking-beam of our engine: feel and act. Old systems play about the altar of eloquence, touching here and there with their little matches out-hanging fagots ; but we of the new school thrust our torches into the centre of the pile, and send a blaze of glory through the fabric. Illuminating! transfiguring! enrapturing! , Arthur. With your bombs and torches, I should say that the Anarchist School would be the proper name for it. Arc. No ; every thing is law and orderly. Like the old school, the human frame has been classified. The legs, being he vassals of the body, we call vaseline; the arms, from the cunning of the hand, we style cutic7ira; the body, which until Seldarte discovered its proper place, lacked art, we style lactart; the face, from its power of mimicry, moxie; and the head, whence flow ideas (tapping his head), sapolio. All original terms hypothecated by the great master. Arthur. He must have studied a drug-store. Arc. The old school start the arms, legs, and face, work- ing, to draw fire from the heart and mind: we start with the fire, which we build in lactart, the centre of the system, gen- erating the steam which, permeating and electrifying, sets f vaseline, cuticura, moxie, and sapolio working; and the re- sult is genuine expression. Here we illustrate and teach the system. I have native professors in those lines most sought for. If I have a pupil who desires to become proficient in Celtic eloquence, I turn him in with a wild Irishman; if the pupil has a taste for the Leedle Yawcob Strauss style, I send «him to the “ Deutsch department,” where his voice is cultivated ■with sourkraut and pretzels. I Arthur. Yes ; tonic and teutonic.IO THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Arc. Exactly. Then I have a genuine tramp for the fashionable class who have adopted stable and gutter style a converted bootblack for the minstrel craze ; and a professo who devotes his time to instructing the curfew, with the aic of the rising sun and a real bell. (.Points to Curfew Depart went.) The best paying department in the school. Every thing is realistic ; we have a horse for the ambitious spouters of Sheridan's and Paul Revere’s ride, a real lamb for Mary, genuine ice and snow for Excelsior. There’s but one thing lacking to make this a perfect conservatory, — the maniac department lacks a professor. I have been in correspondence with several lunatic-asylums, but fail to get one ; but nevei mind, he will come in time, and then the system will b( perfect! glorious ! gorgeous ! Arthur. But I fail to see how this affects my marriag( with your daughter. Arc. My daughter is to be the model in the new system she is to exemplify its perfect workings. ’Twill take year; and years of study ; she must not, can not, marry. Arthur. You would destroy her happiness? Arc. No ; I would make her the happiest woman in th world, for in the perfected knowledge of the great syster she would have all that is worth living for. Arthur. Humbug! Arc. Come, come, sir, no levity. (Strikes bell) Tha last expression of yours is out of order in the new school o expression. f {Enter Mary, l. i e.) Mary, show this gentleman out. Arthur. But, Mr. Abbott, one word — Arc. Not one; my daughter is to be a star in the ne\ school, brilliant! seraphic ! gorgeous ! (Exit R. i E.) Arthur. Absurd ! ridiculous ! humbug! Mary. Were you speaking to me, sir? ] Arthur. What are you waiting for? Mary. To show you out. Arthur. Never mind, show Miss Fanny in. Tell her a gentleman wishes to see her. Mary. Yes, sir. (Crosses stage to R. i E.) She is here. (Enter Fanny, r. i e.) Arthur. Fanny! Fanny. Arthur! (Embraced)THE SELDARTE CRAZE. II Mary. Another “Take me, Clifford.” (Exit'sl. i e.) Arthur. You are lovelier than ever. Fanny. And you — oh, dear! where did you get that reat beard ? Arthur. You don’t like it? Fanny. It’s horrid. It quite hides your mouth, and that’s le most taking part of your face. Arthur (kissing her). It has not lost all of its taking ower ; but, if you don’t like it, off it comes. (Looks around.) 'uite a change since I left. Fanny. You refer to father’s latest craze, the realistic :hool of expression. Arthur {laughs). Ha! ha ! ha! Fanny. It’s no laughing matter. It is the queerest idea >u ever heard of. Arthur. I know all about it from your father. (Laughs.) Fanny. Don’t laugh. Arthur. I must, Fanny; for I am Monsieur Seldarte. Fanny. You? Vrthur. I am the inventor of the system which seems be in active operation here. Visiting one of the famous ench schools of expression, whose outward mechanical itations of the inborn passions struck me as something jch might be successfully parodied, I prepared a formula the new school, and sent it to your father, knowing he is enthusiastic admirer of all forms of expression. I sup- sed he would see the joke, but to my surprise he took my libit in dead earnest. Fanny. And you continued the deception? Arthur. As Monsieur Seldarte, yes. How could I help ? The old gentleman so enjoyed his discovery, that I had >t the heart to wake him from his dream. Fanny. He will wake you from yours. I Arthur. He has already. r Fanny. He is so infatuated, that he is determined I shall not marry, but become the finished model of his theory. ' Arthur. So he has informed me. Fanny. So, you see, you have brought your eggs to a bad market. | Arthur.' But I can explain. Fanny. Yes; let him know what a fool you have made hf him. He’ll be very likely to accept you as a son-in-law. U. OF SfeL U&12 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Arthur. ’Twas only a joke. Fanny. Which might have cost him dearly, but for the credulity of the public. Arthur. Do you mean that people accept this new departure seriously? Fanny. Undoubtedly, since he has more applications for tuition than he can accommodate. Arthur. I’m glad the old gentleman is reaping a harvest from the sowing of my wild oats. But what’s to be done ? I must have you. Fanny. You have made my father the butt for one of your practical jokes. When you have persuaded him that his system is a delusion, I may be induced to listen to you. You were smart enough to concoct the scheme : now set your wits to work, and undo the mischief. When you have suc- ceeded, we will perhaps renew our engagement: till then, farewell. (Going R.) Arthur. But, Fanny—• 1 Fanny. I have spoken. {Exit r. i e.) 1 Arthur. She has spoken; short but not sweet. FvB made a pretty mess of it, —founded a new school, and lost it* most promising pupil. How shall I get out of this muddle 1 {Enter Fred Stokes, l. i e.) 1 Fred {with a drawl). By Jove ! old chappie, I’m deuced tired waiting out there for you. How did you find the dea« charmer ? 1 Arthur {walking about impatiently). As lovely as ever.l Fred. Deuced glad to hear it. If there is any thin® lovely to be found in this blawsted country, I’d like to see iS Beastly climate this. Sun shines all day, you know; miss thel London fogs, you know; feel all the time as if I was going up] in a balloon, and all that sort of thing, you know, don’t you] know ? Arthur. Oh, drop that, Fred! We’re in good old America now; it won’t do to be too airy. Fred. By Jove ! old chappie, it’s English, you know. Arthur. Then leave it on its native soil, it’s too common to be commendable. Fred {without drawl). Hallo ! Arthur, my boy, you’re in a bad way. What’s up ? Arthur. That’s what I want you to find out. My little Seldarte joke has wrought no end of trouble with my loveTHE SELDARTE CRAZE. 13 ffair. The old gentleman has, metaphorically, shown me the oe of his boot; and, the young lady has put me on probation. Fred (with drawl). By Jove ! you know — Arthur (enraged). Fred! Fred (no drawl). Well, by thunder ! Arthur. You see these signs about here ? The old gen- leman has gone into the business seriously. How far, I lon’t know; that’s what I want you to find out. Remain here, get an interview with him, ask to see the working of the system, find out all you can. I’m off to some quiet place tor an hour’s meditation. Keep cool, and look about you. By Jove ! I shall go mad. (Exit L. 1 E.) Fred. But, Arthur, my boy— He’s off now! what the leuce am I to do, nobody about? I’l try the bell. (Strikes ell on table Jive times. Enter, from their departments, Iusty, Ragmuffin, Pomdeterre, Bologna, and Snow- all ; all stop in front of their entrances, bowing and rub- \ng their hands j all speak together.) Pom. The top ov the mornin’ to yez. Rag. Hello, pard. Bologna. Wie geht’s ? Snow. Was you lookin’ fer me ? Musty. Hail to your lordship ! Fred. By Jove ! you know you have the advantage of me. Pom. Well, if we hadn’t, we should take it; faith, that’s ir business. If you’re looking for any thing in the Oirish ne, jist walk into my parlor, as the shpider said to the fly. am Professor Pomdeterre from Tipperary, the only thrue xponant of the rael speech, customs and manners of polite rish society, which include the manual of the dudeen, the actics of the shillelah, the art of kissin’ a purty girl, the larn-door jig, and the twisting the tail ov the British lion, 11 wid the brogue. • I Song. — Air: The Merry Chink, Chink, Chink. (Student Songs.) r Some spake the German lingo, 1 Wid some bad Frinch’s in vogue ; The truest spache you’ll iver rache Is that same Irish brogue. You may smoile at bits ov blarney, Or roar at an Irish bull; But niver moind, you’ll always find The brogue is rich and full.1 14 THE seldarte graze. For there?s nothing half so jolly as the brogue, brogue, brogue, Nothing near as plasing as the brogue, brogue, brogue; You may court a pretty girl, You may snatch a quiet pogue, But lips are all the swater wid a brogue, brogue, brogue. Fred. My dear fellah ! I’ve just arrived from Englanc you know. Pom. {fiercely). Aha! it’s English you are. Fred {aside). By Jove ! he takes me for a native. {Aloud Yah, yas. Pom. {shaking his fist in his face). Will, by the powers It’s a foine spicimen ye are of the prosthitution ov power It’s the loikes of you that stand over prostrate Oireland, whil she hangs spacheless over the abyss of despotism, shouti for succor. Fred. But, my good man, what do you mean ? Pom. Mane is it? Bah! you’d scrape kisses from f blarney-stone, and sill them for swatemates. Fred. But, I — I — I — I — Pom. Oh, bother your eyes! the sight ov you sinds cowld sweat boiling through my veins. Fred. Come, come, sir; you are going too far. Pom. Oh, you’d smother free speech, would you? yoi check the flow of pat — Fred {no drawl). Shut up, you blatherskite! For I land’s wrongs and the defenders of her rights, in comm? with all true men, I have the deepest sympathy ; but for sue blackguards as you, who make of every Englishman a targ for vile abuse, the utmost contempt. (With a drawl) ~ that in your pipe and smoke it, old chappie. Pom. Faith, you seem to be doing the smoking. I _ your pardon. {Aside) Begorra! the British lion carries hi tail betwane his teeth. Fred. I don’t think I need any thing in your way. Bologna. Ah ! if you want to be broke out all over mi de spirits of eloquence, you will come mit me to my small pox I am Professor Bologna, and I teach sometings dot don’ go round mit de spider and der fly, twisting der tail of do British lion mitout brogans, to de music of der pagpipe. ! teach you sometings dot don’t got into der booktionaries I will teach you to pring out der muscles of your voice, o show you how to pack them away mit your chest. I wilTHE SELDARTE CRAZE. *5 ow you how to play mit dot Hamlet feller, how to ride dot leridan, and how to drink like dot Rip Von Winkle, and ich you to dance mit all der figures of speech, and fill op Ur soul mit oratory, pretzels, and sweitzer kase. Song. — Air : They get there just the same. L Some beobles in life go grazy I Aboudt dose vigures of speech, I And flourish aboudt to get op der spoudt, Some stairs of fancy to reach; Den der wheels of der world grow tired Mit der mighty pain dey got. “ Oh, take it avay ! for silence we pray; And only leedle of dot.” Der case of dot boy Bianca, What scorched mit his fader’s sheep; And dot cough you girl, mit her hair in curl, Dot nefar will let folks sleep ; And lots more of dose grazy pieces, With a whisker or bald spot. “ Oh, take ’em away ! for silence we pray; And only leedle of dot.” red. Thank you ; I don’t think I’ll take the small pox. been vaccinated. AG. I say, pard, if you want to come out strong, train for hostler Joe, that’s your stronghold! and you’ll step ) the fust society. That’s my line. I’m a brand, I am, eked from the burning. I’m one of the slipshod angels, ving example of the usefulness of worthlessness. I’m fashion, I am. I’m a practical exponent of nobility in s, with an always empty stomach, and a supreme contempt work. One of the martyrs for whom those literary fellers ave garlands of glory. We save ships (on paper), we are de repentant by the smiles of a little child (on paper), we h into burning buildings (on paper); but we don’t get ire, all the same. Come into my den, and I’ll teach you all i snaps, the heart-broken tones, the whines, the slouching t, and all the pomp and circumstance, that make the tramp rious in the drawing-room. I kin do it, pard, fur I’ve m thar. (Sings or speaks.)i6 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Air : The Sword of Bunker Hill. The tramp came to the kitchen-door, His eyes were weak and dim ; And in a feeble voice he called i The kitchen-maid to him. “ Look well at me/’ the rascal cried, “ I’m very poor and ill; So quickly from your pantry bring A good square meal to fill.” The food was brought, the fellow’s eye Beamed with a sudden light; And in a hoarse and feeble voice He murmured, “ That’s all right.” “ Wait not for me,” the wanderer said, “ I’ll sit beside the gate ; ” Then quickly bolted all the food, And carried off the plate.” Fred. Thank you ; I’ll not go upon the tramp at presei Snow. Den all you perfessers clar de kitchen, and gi de brack diamond a chance. Walk dis way, mister, fon yer udder name ; dis is whar you get de mos’ fur your mon Here’s whar you get a shine — Musty. Five cents ? Snow. See, you. Jes’ attend to your cufyou, and attend to de callers. Dis year am de emporium of pop eloquence; Professor Snowball am here on de spot like electric lucifer, illuminating wid colored lights de oratori< depths of profundity. Here’s whar you get all daj’s sublii in de oratorical dispensary, from de ravishing wliangdooc ob de camp-meeting to de melodious cackle of de end m; in de amateur minstrils. Here old Daddy Worfles’ waterin cart am kept on exhibition. {Recites.) u Den sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle, While de bells go tinkle, tinkle. And here “ How Persimmons took Cah ob Der Baby ” a elucidated wid de presence ob de original live baby. (Recites “ You, Jawge Washington Thomas Jefferson Persimmons Henry Clay, be Quick, shot dat do’, Get up off dat flo’, Come here and mind de baby.” Swing low, old chariot, We’ll dribe de debble out.”THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 17 Now’s your time; de colored troops am coming to de front, >lack cork am de fashionable powder. Song. — Air : We'll Raise de Roof To-Night. Come, minstrils, take your places, Put out dem “ Harbor Lights,” De place “ Held by de Enemy ” Am ours by cibil rights. Go tell in halls ob fashion, Dat black cork am de rage; And de end men in dar glory, De idols of de stage. Now, Tambo, quit your tuning, Come, middleman, look wise; Now, brudder Bones, jes’ lower your tones, For de curtain’s gwine to rise. We’ll swell den, we’ll flash den, Black diamonds in de light, For wid de chestnuts cracking, We’ll hold de stage to-night. Come along, den, minstrils, come along, While de black cork’s shining bright; We’ll show de folks wid songs and ancient jokes, We’ll hold de stage to-night. Nothing in your line, thank you. Ha, ha, wily professors! you are dumb with So failed and foiled, give Mustapha the stage. Listen. ■ England’s son is sadly fretting, as at him you blaze away ■ With your flippant Irish twaddle, German, tramp, and darky bray; ■ He is wretched, worn, and weary ; let me smooth his crumpled hair ; ■ 1 can lead to paths of glory, up a dim and winding stair; ■ For I swing a mighty weapon, sets both friends and foes to flight. ■ Stranger, let me send you humming “ Curfew must not ring to-night.” I Pom. {stamping, and tearing his hair). Oh, murther! the luld bell’s got the flure. Ring, indade! that’s thrue, for liere’s no ind to it. {Exit.) Bol. {fingers in his ears). Oh, dot curfew makes der vhirl go round mit my head ! {Exit.) Rag. {frantically). Don’t ring, but step round to the iack-door. {Exit.) Snow. Cut de rope, cut de rope! Dar’s cerfusion ’nuff ridout dat ar cer — cer — cow-bell! {Exit.) Musty. Professional jealousy.i8 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. u Well, let them steal away: The cat will mew, the cur-few have his day.” Now, sir, shall I initiate you into the curfew chamber? Fred. No, I thank you. I have no taste for the antique Musty. No? Delightful study, I assure you. Won’ you step in and examine “ England’s sun was slowly setting,” painted by the sun himself? Fred. How’s that? Musty. Photographed, of course. Fred. Think I’ll not venture nearer. Musty. Will you try the stair, climb the slimy ladder? Fred. No, lad; no ladder. Musty. No? Will a swing on the bell tempt you? Fred. Nothing in your line, thank you. If you could conveniently arrange an interview with the principal of this institution— * , Musty. Oh ! you want to see Old Screw. i Fred. Old Screw? Musty. Pet name. You know the original Archimed< invented the screw, you know. Hark ! “ By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes.” {Stands back with Fred, talking.) Arc. {outside). That’s me. It’s no use teasing: you art to be wedded to your art, and no young man need apply. {Enter Archimedes, r. i e.,followed by Fanny.) Fanny. But, pa, listen to reason. Arc. I’ll listen to nothing that stands between me and my ambition — Fanny. To make me miserable. Arc. No, Fanny: to make you the shining light of the platform, endowed with all the virtues of the Seldarte sys- tem ; to make you my specimen brick in the new temple of realistic expression : that is my aim. And you would forsake all this glory, to sew on buttons for a young snob who knows nothing of Seldarte and his glorious system! Preposterous! Absurd! Humbug! Fanny. So you are determined I shall remain single?THE SELDARTE CRAZE. *9 Arc. Yes, Fanny. No man shall tear you from me. Fanny. Not even the great Seldarte himself? Arc. Not even— Stop! I could refuse him nothing, rad! I’ve a great mind to invite him over, and give him a ance. Fanny. If you do, I’ll marry him. Arc. Fanny! Fanny. On one condition. As there is one man you are lling I should marry, and there is one other I want to irry, I will give you first choice, provided I have the lond. rc. I don’t understand. anny. Monsieur Seldarte may decline the honor. i\RC. If he does, I’ll marry you to the first man that /ers. Decline the honor of becoming the son-in-law to the pneer of realistic art in America! Preposterous! Absurd! fum/bug! Fanny. All right, pa. I’ve a strong suspicion that I sew on buttons for that young snob, after all. {Exit, [e. Exit Musty, c.) red {comes forward\ Beg pardon. Were you just now iking of Monsieur Seldarte of Paris? rc. Exactly. .'red. He is now in this country. We were fellow- fsengers on “ The Britannic,” which arrived yesterday. Krc. Is it possible that the great master is in America? it I shall look into his expressive eyes, clasp his expres- le hand ? This is too much ! Where is he ? Let me run Id fall upon his neck, — sublime, glorious apostle of art! JFred. He will shortly pay you a visit. To prepare you [r his coming I am here. A.RC Thanks IVfr._____ Fred. Stokes. I should like to see the working of your [rstem. Arc. You are familiar with it ? Fred. Not in this country. Arc. With the assistance of my professors, I will show s practical working. {Strikes bell Jive times. Enter as zfore Rag., Pom., Bol., Snow., and Musty, who form a alf-circlei) Arc. Professors, we are about to show this gentleman a art of our grand system by a display of the passions, com-20 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. mencing with love. (To Fred.) You see the mention of th< passion does not move them. (To others) Represent love professors. (They look at each other foolishly) Pom. Faith, I’ll not be wasting my swateness on th desert air. Bol. Dot’s de kind of bird don’t flock all alone mi himself. Rag. A free lunch without refreshments. I pass. Snow. Lub’s jes’ like de measles: mus’ hab somefin’ t< brung ’em out. Musty. And only catching when the girl’s about. Arc. You see the old school’s a failure. Now, in tf twinkle of an eye, I change all this (strikes bell once) placing in their midst an object with whom they are all love. (Enter Mary, r. i e. She steps to c.) Pom. O Mary, my jewel! Bol. Oh, mine cracious, how I loaf dot girl! Rag. O Molly, my dolly! now isn’t she jolly? Snow. Oh, my! she’s jes’ a yeast-cake. Put lub i tub, an’ she’d set it risin’. (As they speak, Mary turno each. They hold out their arms to her, and she coquettis, turns away to the next) Musty. “Come rest in this bosom, my own strict deer.” Mary. Mustapha! (Runs info his arms) Arc. Now observe the transition to jealousy. P°M- (tearing his hair, and looking wild). She loves him] she loves Knott! Bol. (shaking his fists in the air). She don’t bring oul some measles mit me ! I Rag. (tragically) As usual, I take mine without sugar! Snow. Dat ar golden slipper slipped by me ! Arc. Now from jealousy to hate. Pom. Let’s tear the gurl from his arms ! Bol. Pm mit you on dat tare ! Rag. No monopoly: divide the spoils. Snow. Dat ar Knott must not keep what he got. (All four approach Musty.) Musty. Stop! (All fallback) Who touches a hair of her dear head, dies like a dog. March off! Pom. ’Nuff sed. Arc. That will do. — Mary, you can retire.THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 21 (Mary exits, R. i e., looking back, the^ five kissing their ands to her, and showing extravagant signs of affection. Arc. {sternly). Professors! {They look sheepish, into line; Musty, l.; Pom., ol., Rag., Snow., r.) Arc. We will now produce, by the realistic method, joy, rief, mirth, rage, and fear. {Takes portemonnaies from table, nd’ passing along the line, presents one to each) Profess- rs, I have much pleasure in rewarding your zeal. {Stops in ‘ne at extreme L. The five look at each other and their brtemonnaies, manifesting extravagant joy) Arc. Behold the joy of possession ! Open ! {Thefive open. Find theirportemonnaies empty, and look decidedly grieved) Arc. Behold how quickly joy gives place to grief! Mirth, ha ./mg its location under the fifth rib, we produce by manip- ulation. {lie tickles Musty in the ribs; Musty does the same to Pom., and so on down the line, producing first a smile, then a grin, then a laugh, to finish with a roar) Arc. Now rage. {Stepson Musty’s toe; Musty steps on Pom.’s, and so down the line. All haul up feet trodden or, and manifest pain. Then each turns to some one else, and threatens with fist, manifesting rage. Ejaculations ad libitum) \rc (during their gyrations, goes to table, and lights fuse in uomo. vVhen lighted) Attention, professors! {They come into line) We will now produce fear. {Sets the bomb on stage in front of Bol. General break in the line. Musty runs up C., gets behind curtains, and sticks his head out. Snow, crawls under the table, and watches the bomb. ^ Rag. runs into his department, pokes his head out, watching the bomb. Pom. gets behind bench, puts his elbows on it, stop- ping his ears with his fingers. Bol. mounts the rocking- fiorse, clasps it about the neck, and hides his head behind it, setting it in motion. The fuse reaches a few grains of pow- der, andflashes up without any report) ; Arc. Genuine fear. There’s no sham about that. {Kicks t:Lall off side. Fred. Capital, capital! a Snow, {crawls from under the table). Look a-here: ef la ’s gwine to be any more artillery practice, I quit. Pom. Is it sham pain ye’s givin’ us, wid yer sham thricks ?22 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Bol. Dot gives me der snakes mit my boots. Rag. And me a sinking in the pit of my stomach. Musty. Hollow mockery! Arc. You see the superiority of the new method ov^ the old; real emotion, natural action. Fred. Wonderful, professor! But how do you apply }our system to elocution? Arc. You shall see. — Professors, you will prepare for a realistic rehearsal of the simple but beautiful poem, “ Mary had a Little Lamb.” Pom. Be jabbers, mutton again ! Bol. Dot lamb makes me feel sheap mit myself. Musty. But Mary loves the lamb, you know. Rag. Then, for Mary’s sake, Pll swallow the lamb. Snow. Yes ; but de lamb’s all gone. All. Gone! Snow. Yes; dat ar pet lamb, dat’s been trained fur dis ’ticular ’casion, hab been murdered in his little bed and ab- ducted ; seed a man goin’ down der street wid de deceased corpse of de pet on his shoulders. Axed de man what fur he killed de lamb? he said, de man said, not de lamb, dat he killed him in self-defence. Arc. In self defence ! absurd! Snow. Dat’s what I said to de man; but he answered and said, the man said, said he jes’ gwine ’long peaceably, _J| when dat ar’ lamb jumped ober de wall an’ bit him in de leg. Dat wa’n’t de place to put lamb’s chops, an’ he was gwine to put ’em whar dey do the mos’ good. Arc. We must do without, then. Are there any pupils in the building ? Musty. Miss Moneybags is in the anteroom. t Arc. Ask her to step this way, and tell Mary we ready for her with the lamb. Musty. Which must of course be the dumb animal. Arc. Yes ; the dummy. (Exit Musty, r. r. e.) N( bench to c., and seat themselves with open books. En Miss Moneybags r. i e.) Ah ! our favorite pupil. ( Fred.) Miss Moneybags, Mr. Stokes; Mr. Stokes, M Moneybags. (They salute.) Miss Moneybags is still in fs i our primary department, “ The Curfew ; ” but for this occa- ; sion will undoubtedly assist us in the difficult recitation of« Mary and her lamb; won’t you, my dear? j professors, prepare the school. (The four bring downTHE SELDARTE CRAZE. 23 Minnie. Te, he! Certainly; if you have confidence in my ability. {Enter Musty with a fool's-cap on his head,\ joins the other professors, standing on a stool with book) Arc. Here we have the school, I representing the teacher. {Seats himself at desk) Proceed, Miss Moneybags ; concen- trate your mind on the innocence of Mary, the tenderness of the lamb. {To Fred.) This is the old school. Fred. She does look a little aged. Arc. Ahem! I referred to the system, not the lady. Minnie {in a high key, without any expression). “ Mary had a little lamb.” Arc. {raps table). Won’t do, my dear; turn your eyes to the left. {Strikes bell. Enter Mary with an immense cape- bonnet on her head\ dragging a toy lamb) Now commence again. Minnie (with expression). “ Mary had a little lamb.” Arc. You see, the sight of the object arouses the pathos 4 of her nature; it is communicated to her voice, and the ex- 1 pression is as tender as — |f Fred. Spring lamb. I see. ^ Arc. Go on. (Mary moves about the stage) Minnie. “ And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go.” Arc. You see how her voice follows the movement of e lamb. Fred. With a sort of gentle spring. I see. Minnie. “ It followed her to school one day, It was against the rule ; It made the children laugh and play.” {The four on the bench, and Musty, indulge in laughter nd play) ° Pom. Ah ! be aisy, my daisy. Rag. She’s bringing her dinner to school on the wool.24 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Bol. She don’t got der sun mit her eyes purty quick. Snow. A lamb at school on a tricycle. Musty. “ Striving to keep back the murmur, ‘Curfew must not ring to-night.’” (The four on bench rise, and shake their fists at Musty.) Pom. Howld yer pace ! Bol. Quit fooling mit der pell. Rag. Oh, give us a rest! Snow. You great — fy, for shame! you ought to be — ridiculous! Arc. (sternly). Professors! (All resume places.) Re- member you are children, and come in on the next line. (The five together, with characteristic dialect.) u What makes the lamb love Mary so,” Minnie. “ The eager children cry ; ” Arc. “ Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know,” Minnie. " The teacher did reply.” (Professors in chorus.) “ Ma-ri had a Little Lamb ” (Student Songs). Fred. Very fine, very fine, Miss Moneybags. I c gratulate you. Minnie. Te, he ! thank you. (Aside.) He’s smitten. Arc. Once more.. With a true exposition of the legenc “ Want to buy a rooster ? ” in which the whole company wil appear. A (Theprofessors draw the bench to c, and seat themselve1 — Musty l., then Pom., Bol., Rag., Snow., Mary, at* Minnie. The fun of this little ga?ne introduced here is the variety of crows introduced. It has never failed to pr duce roars of laughter when properly performed. In asku\ and answering questions, the head should be turned towara the person addressed, with a quick motion. The dialect chan acters should keep to their dialect as much as possible wit)I out alteration of words. In the following key, A represent Musty; B, Pom. ; C,Bol.; D, Rag.; E,Snow.; F,Mar\ G, Minnie.)THE SELDARTE CRAZE. * 25 DO YOU WANT TO BUY A ROOSTER? 1 A. to B. rooster ? B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. rooster ? C. to B. B. to A. , A. to B. ? B. to C. C. to D. rooster ? D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. ^ A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. poster ? E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. ■5. to F. >ter? F. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. F. to G. rooster ? G. to F. F. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. Feathers he has. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. Feathers he has. Feathers he has Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. Feathers he has. Feathers he has. Feathers he has. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. Feathers he has. Feathers he has; Feathers he has. Feathers he has. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers ? Has he feathers? Feathers he has. B. to C. Feathers he has. C. to D. Feathers he has. D. to E. Feathers he has. E. to F. Feathers he has. F. to G. Feathers he has. 1 A. to B.' Do you want to buy a rooster ? B. to A. Has he feathers ? A. to B. Feathers he has. B. to A. How does he walk? A. to B. Wigglety wagglety. B. to C. Do you want to buy a rooster ? C. to B. Has he feathers ? B. to C. Feathers he has. C. to B. How does he walk? B. to A. How does he walk? A. to B. Wigglety wagglety. B. to C. Wigglety wagglety. C. to D. Do you want to buy a rooster ? D. to C. Has he feathers? C. to D. Feathers he has. D. to C. How does he walk ? C. to B. How does he walk ? B. to A. How does he walk? A. to B. Wigglety wagglety. B. to C. Wigglety wagglety. C. to D. Wigglety wagglety. D. to E. Do you want to buy a rooster ? E. to D. Has he feathers ? D. to E. Feathers he has. E. to D. How does he walk? D. to C. How does he walk ? C. to B. How does he walk ? B. to A. How does he walk ? A. to B. Wigglety wagglety. B. to C. Wigglety wagglety. C. to D. Wigglety wagglety. D. to E. Wigglety wagglety. E. to F. Do you want to buy a rooster ? F. to E. Has he feathers ? E. to F. Feathers he has. F. to E. How does he walk? E. to D. How does he walk? D to C. How dees he walk ? C. to B. How does he walk? 1 To shorten this, commence anywhere that “A to B” asks the question, * you want to buy a rooster? ”26 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. F. to G. rooster ? G. to F. F. to G. G. to F. F. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C, C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. F. to G. A. to B. rooster ? B. to A. A. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. rooster ? C. to B. B. to C. C. to B. B. to C. . C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. \ oster ? D. to C. C. to D. D. to C. C. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. How does he walk ? Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers? Feathers he has. How does he walk ? How does he walk ? How does he walk ? How does he walk ? How does he walk ? How does he walk? Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Wigglety wagglety. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? How does he,fly ? Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. C. to D. D. to E. rooster ? E. to D. D. to E. E. to D. D. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. rooster ? F. to E. E. to F. F. to E. E. to F. F. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B.to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. F. to G. rooster ? G. to F. F. to G. G. to F. F. to G. G. to F. F. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F.‘ F. to G. 1 A. to B. rooster ? Flipperty flopperty. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk ? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Flipperty flopperty. Do you want to buy "a : Commence here if brevity is required.THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 27 B.to A. A. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to A. A. to B. of a rooster.') B. to C. rooster ? C. to B. B. to C. C. to B. B. to C. C. to B. B. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. of a rooster.) B. to C. of a rooster.) C. to D. rooster ? D. to C. C. to D. D. to C. C. to D. D. to C, C. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. rooster ? E. to D. D. to E. E. to D. D. to E. E. to D. D. to E. E. to D. Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk ? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. How does he crow ? (Imitate the crowing Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk ? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. How does he crow ? How does he crow ? (Imitate the crowing (Imitate the crowing Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk ? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. How does he crow ? How does he crow ? How does he crow ? (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before ) Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk ? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly ? Flipperty flopperty. How does he crow ? D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. rooster? F. to E. E. to F. F. to E. E. to F. F. to E. E. to F. F. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. F. to G. rooster ? G. to F. F. to G. G. to F. F. to G. G. to F. F. to G. G. to F. F. to E. E. to D. D. to C. C. to B. B. to A. A. to B. B. to C. C. to D. D. to E. E. to F. F. to G. - How does he crow ? How does he crow ? How does he crow ? (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before.) Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. - How does he walk ? Wigglety wagglety. .How does he fly? Fiipperty flopperty. How does he crow ? How does he crow ? How does he crow ? How does he crow ? How does he crow? (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before) (Imitate as before.) Do you want to buy a Has he feathers ? Feathers he has. How does he walk? Wigglety wagglety. How does he fly? Flipperty flopperty. How does he crow? How does he crow ? How does he crow ? How does he crow? How does he crow ? How does he crow ? (Imitate as before) (Imitate as before) (Imitate as before.) (Imitate as before) (Imitate as before) (Imitate as before.) (A t the conclusion, exeunt professors to their several de- partments, crowing. Minnie r. i e., Mary l. i e.) Arc. I have shown you the glorious system: what have you to say ?28 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Fred. That the good old maxim, “ The fools are not all dead yet,” is as true as ever. Arc. Sir! Fred. Or your system would be in universal operation. Arc. Ah ! thank you. {Enter Mary, l. i e., with card.) Mary. A gentleman to see Mr. Stokes. {Gives card.) Fred. Ah, Monsieur Seldarte ! Arc. The great master, the stupendous intellect! Let us fly to him ! Fred. Wait, I will bring him to you; he is of so sensi- tive a nature, that the enthusiasm you cannot repress would be a shock to him, unless he was fore-warned. I will see him first, excuse me. {Exit l. i e.) Arc. This is a great day for realism, France and America clasping hands in the new school of art. Mary, call my daughter. Mary. Yes, sir. {Exit, R. i e.) Arc. {strikes bellfive times). Everybody must witness the joyful meeting. (Enter the professors.) Professors, the zeal with which you have labored in your several departments is about to be rewarded. The master of realistic expression is about to greet you, {Enter Fred, l. i e.) Fred. My dear Mr. Abbott, such a calamity! such a calamity! Arc. Monsieur Seldarte ? Fred. Is here ; but in such a condition !. Musty. D. Pom. R. Bol. U. Rag. N. v Snow. K. Together. ’Rah, ’rah, ’rah ! Arc. {sternly). Professors! Fred. You lately bewailed the want of a head to one of your departments, “The Maniac.” Have patience, and you may occupy it yourself. Arc. I don’t understand you. Fred. If you follow in the footsteps of your great mas- ter, you may expect the same fate that has overtaken him. The stupendous volume of realism with which he has satur-THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 29 ated his system has gone to his head, and made him a raving maniac. (Noise outside.) He is amusing himself with your furniture. Arc. But I cannot have a maniac in my house. Fred. Then put him out: I cannot. Arthur (outside). Ah ha! wher is dis impostor ? Fred. That’s you. Arthur (outside). Wher is de villain dat have rob me of my good name, ah ! (Appears c. as Seldarte.) Arc. Great Scott! is that the man ? (Snow, gets under table as before; Pom. behind bench; and Bol. and Rag. try to hide themselves behind each other; Musty, l. ; Fred, l. c. ; Arc., r. c.) Arthur. Aha! I am ze monarch of all zat I survey. I am Achille Seldarte. I have rear wiz my voice ze grande temple of expressione. I have gif it avay to mine frien’ over ze bay, — what you call across ze water. He be one gran’ humzebug, an’ I have go mad wiz grief; an’ I come to kill him wiz my feests. Pom. Faith, ther’s goin’ to be a foight! Snow. I’s mighty glad I took a seat in de grand stand. Arthur. Place me before his face. Gif him ze pleasure to meet me. Fred. If you are looking for Professor Abbott, he is there. (Points to Arc.) Arc. Oh, somebody take him away, quick ! Arthur. Aha, you tremble! You have try to imitate me, ze grande master. You have try to build ze temple wiz- out ze cornair-stone. Arc. The — the cor — cor — ner-stone ! Arthur. Oui. Ze grande corner-stone of ze seestem is ze master-passion madness, and you have leave it out.- You have broke ze heart of ze grande master. Arc. But I couldn’t get a professor. All the madmen had gone into politics or stocks. Arthur. Sacrd! Zat excuse is what you call lame; it will not hold ze water. You must die! (Approaches him threateningly,) Arc. Take him away, somebody ! Help, help! Musty. Can’t see the master abused. (To Arthur.) You go ! (Seizes him by left wrist.) Bol. (catching Arthur by right wrist). Get away mit yourself!30 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. Arthur. Ha, ha! I shall have ze satisfaction of killing somebody! (They struggle. Arthur’s coat-sleeves should be very long, three or four times the usual length. Musty and Bol. catch him by the sleeves, and, as he struggles to get away, they are drawn out to a ridiculous length. Arthur then slips out of the coat. Rag. now seizes him by the cravat, which should be at least three yards long. Rag. holding it, Arthur unwinds himself, leaving it in Rag.’s hands.) Pom. (during the struggle). Aisy, b’ys, aisy! Snow, (as Arthur slips out of the coat). It’s a long sleebe dat has no turning. Pom. Aisy, b’ys, aisy ! Don’t strike below the bilt. Snow, (as the cravat is left in Rag.’s hands). Dar’s a necktie fit for de gods. Arthur. Ah, ha! you cannot escape wiz me. (Tries to seize Arc.) Arc. Help, help ! (Dodges Arthur two or three times, then runs up stage, jumps, and seizes the tongue of the bell. Arthur follows, and, as he hangs, gives him a swing to send him outside the door, then seizes rope, and rings. Parties outside swinging Arc. to and fro; Arc. shouting.) Stop, stop ! You are killing me ! Arthur. Ah, ha! I have ze satisfaccion at last. (Rushes down to L. i e.) I have ring him wiz the curfew ! (Exit.) Arc. (dropping from bell). Oh, my arms, my arms! (Musty and Bol. lead him down to table. He sinks into a chair. Snow, comes from beneathl) Snow. Golly! dat ar ole man game on de trapeze ! Pom. Pon my sowl, the ould chap has the grip! Fred. The lunatic has left the house : all danger is over. Arc. (rises). Are you sure of it? Fred. Yes: I saw him going down the street. . Arc. Then lock every door, fasten every shutter. (Enter Mary, l. i e.) Well, what is it? Mary. There’s a gentleman at the door who says he has come to apply for the professorship in the maniac depart- ment; and he looks as if he could fill the place. Arc. Great heavens ! it’s Monsieur Seldarte come again. (Runs tip c.) Fred. Stop! I will take care of him. (Exit, l. i e.) Arc. (returns). That’s a most obliging young man.THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 31 (Enter, r. i e., Fanny and Minnie.) Fanny. Where is the great Monsieur Seldarte, papa? Arc. He has gone. Fanny. What a short visit! Arc. That was the beauty of it. Fanny, is there any thing about me that would lead you to believe me idiotic? Fanny. Why, no, papa! Arc. Then I have the pleasure of informing you that for the last year I have been a blamed idiot. Now, thanks to Monsieur Seldarte, I am recovering my senses. — Mary, lock up the maniac department, or I shall be wandering into it and making myself at home. Pay off the professors, put up the shutters, and take down the signs. The School of Expression closes to-night. Pom. Faith, it’s out of a job we are getting, b’ys. Bol. Dot leaves me oud mit de cold. Rag. And sends me back to the old school, — the cold school, free lunch, under the garden wall. Snow. Schools may bust, but dis year professo’ am bound to shine in de brackin’ department. Musty. u il u Hung be the heavens in black,” u Put out the light; ” Blow winds, come whack ; ” “ This is a sorry sight.” The times are out of joint, oh, cursed spite! ” For curfew can no longer ring to-night. (Pom., Bol., Rag., and Snow .groan, and threaten Musty.) Minnie. No more curfew! How am I to complete my education ? Arc. My dear, I will make you a present of the whole paraphernalia, including the professor. Mary. What, rob me of my Mustapha! No, I thank you. He is mine, — my Romeo, my Ingomar! Musty. “Two souls with but a single thought.” Bol. Don’t give it avay. Dot’s a curosity from der dime museum. Fanny. What’s to become of me? Has Monsieur Sel- darte proposed? Arc. No, but the other fellow has. (Enter Mary, l. i e.) Mary (handing card to Arc.). Mr. Arthur James. Arc. The very man!32 THE SELDARTE CRAZE, {Enter Arthur, l. i e.) - Arthur. Mr. Abbott, I have called for the last time. Arc. Oh, bother! {Pushes F anny into his arms.) Take what you called for. {Enter Fred, l. i e.) Fred. Ah! Seldarte will trouble you no more. Dis- gusted with this country, he is on his way back to Europe. Arc. Bon voyage / (Arthur and Fred exchange glances, which Arc notices.) Arthur {offering his hand). How can I thank you ? Arc. {takinghand). Don’t mention it. {Raises hand, and looks at ring on Arthur’s finger.) Fine ring that. Arthur. I value it highly. Arc. Ahem! The late Monsieur Seldarte had one ex- actly like it. Arthur. Indeed! Arc. You’ve not so much beard as you had the last time I saw you. Arthur. No. I shaved off my beard to please this lady. . Arc. Just what the late Monsieur Seldarte did. You had a close shave. Arthur. Pretty close. {Aside, to Fanny.) He suspects. Shall I confess ? Fanny. No, indeed! Art\i\JK {aloud). Pretty close shave ! Arc. (looking round to curfew). So did I. {Looks at card.) You write a good hand. It resembles that of the late Monsieur Seldarte. Arthur. Indeed! Arc. So much so, that when I re-open the school — Professors {with signs of joy). ’Rah, ’rah, ’rah ! Arc. If ever I am such an idiot — {Professors, with signs of grief, groan.) Arc. I shall appoint you professor in a sphere for which you seem well qualified, — the maniac department of the Seldarte Asylum. DISPOSITION OF CHARACTERS. r., Snow., Bol., Rag., Pom., Arc. ; Arthur, Fanny* Mary, Musty, Minnie, Fred, l.THE STOLEN WILL. (NEW EDITION.) A COMEDY-DRAMA IN THREE ACTS. Ten male and three female characters. Price, 25 cents. Len. E. Tilden :—Dear Sir, — Have read your play entitled “Th* Stolen Will.” Was very much pleased with it. Think the character ~ *- immense. Should like to play it myself when I Hope the play will be a success wherever pro- Yours truly, HENMAN THOMPSON. OET THE BEST, OUR MAKE-UP BOOK. Select the pieces for your next performance from the following selected list of POPULAR PLAYS. A GAME OF DOMINOS. — Comedy. One act . . . . 6 m. 4 f. ADVICE TO HUSBANDS. — Comedietta. One act . . . 5 m. If. CRINOLINE.— Farce. One act .......... 4m. 4f. ELLA ROSENBERG.—Drama. Two acts ...... 7 M. 3 F. A FAMILY FAILING.—Farce. One act ...... 6 M. 1 f. FIGHTING BY PROXY. — Farce. One act ......6M. 2p. THE MILLER’S WIFE (GIRALDA).— Comic Drama. Three acts...........................6 m. 5 F. THE LADY OF THE LAKE. — Drama. Two acts . . 13 M. 3 F. THE MIDNIGHT BANQUET.— Drama. Two acts . . 6 m. 3 f. MY SON DIANA. — Farce. One act ............ , 3m. 2f. THE YOUTH WHO NEVER SAW A WOMAN.— Farce. One act....................... . 3 m. 2 F. BOTH ALIKE. — Comedy. Two acts ............. 5 M. 5 F. THE SHAKER LOVERS. — Drama. One act ..... 7 M. 3 F. THE MAID OF MILAN. — Drama. Three acts .... 9 M. 6 F. JENNY LIND.—Farce. One act .......... 12 m. 1 f. Price, 15 cents each. Walter H. Baker & Co., Publishers, 10 Milk St., Boston.“LOTS OF FUN!” PARLOR VARIETIES] Plays, Pantomimes and Charades, By EMMA E. BREWSTER. BOARDS, 50 Cents ; Paper, 30 Cents. LIST OF VARIETIES. NUMBER CHARACTj MALE. FEIY My Sister’s Husband, ... . Play, Two Acts, 3 The Christmas Box, ... “ “ “ 4 j The Free Ward, . ♦ . . * One Act, 5 Jane’s Legacy, . . . * . “ “ u 2 Aunt Mehetible’s Scientific Experiment, “ M 1 A Pretty Piece of Property, . Play, Three Acts, 3 Poor Peter, ..... w One Act, 5 The Don’s Stratagem, , * . M Three Acts, 4 How the Colonel Proposed, 2 Elizabeth Carisbrooke with a “ P,” « « « 2 Eliza’s Bona-Fide Offer, . . One Act, Zerubbabel’s Second Wife, . . ** “ “ 2 A Dog that will Fetch will Carry, “ u " ' Charade— Holidays, Masque for Children. “ Cent-any-all—Centennial. Thr Acts, Pantomime — Arabella and Lionel, One Act, 2 A Bunch of Buttercups, 1 Any piece on the list bought separately, priee 15 cents each.“AWFULLY JOLLY” OOTLIGHT FROLICS. ENTERTAINMENT FOR HOME AND SCHOOL By MRS. CHARLES F. FERNALD. Comprising Thirteen Entertainments as follows: — HONEYMOON. ANTIDOTE, Charade Play. JACK AND THE BEANSTALK, in Rhyme. RAMMAR SCHOOL FUN. SCHOOL OPERA. BLUE RIBBONS, A Temperance Sketch. ISTMAS CAPERS. A TEMPERANCE FROLIC. LOVE-SICK, Charade. BANDITTI, Charade. COLD WATER, Temperance Play. LEARNING LESSONS. ANVIL CHORUS. whole neatly hound in hoards at 50 cents, in paper covers at SO cents.These selections are made with excellent discrimination. The\ MARKED THROUGHOUT WITH GOOD TASTE AND ABUNDANT VARIETY.—Philade Saturday Visitor, Public and Parlor Readings. SELECTED AND EDITED BY Prof. LEWIS B. MONROE, Dean of the Boston School of Oratory. Humorous Readings. In Prose and Verse For the use of Schools, Reading Cl Public and Parlor Entertainments. Cloth. i2mo. $1.50. A very handsome volume of over 300 pages, filled with specimens of wit and h found in English and American literature. As many of these extracts are from right editions, used by permission of the publishers, their value to the reader who den the richest gleanings from the various fields of humor can be readily understood. In they are unexceptionable, and there is not a single selection that may not be read ale the family and social circle. — Cin- Times. The book is readable from the first page to the last, and every article contained : worth more than the price of the volume. — Prov, Herald. Miscellaneous Readings. In Prose and Verse. i2mo. Cloth. $1.50. We trust this book may find its way into many schools, not to be used as a \. daily drill, but as affording the pupil occasionally an opportunity of leaving the old track. — R. I. Schoolmaster. ■* 7 show to ac Many of the pieces are for the first time set in a garland, and they s advantage. In the multitude of such books this is one of the very best that h appeared, owing to the judicious care used by Mr. Monroe in the selection of his si — Christian Advocate• Dialogues and Dramas. 1 For the use of Dramatic and Reading Clubs, and for P Social, and School Entertainments. i2mo. Cloth. $1.5 If the acting of dramas such as are contained in this book could be introdu private circles, there would be an inducement for the young to spend their eve home, instead of resorting to questionable public places. — Nashua Gazetie. The present book is wholly made up of dramatic selections from the best a The selections have been made judiciously, and the author Has given us a great — Salem Observer. Young Folks’ Readings. For Social and Public Entertainment. i2mo. Cloth. $1 Professor Monroe is one of the most successful teachers of elocution, as we very popular public reader. In this volume he has given an unusually fine select home and social reading, as well as for public entertainments. Many of the piec been written especially for this book. The contents embrace nearly one hundred a pieces. Reading is becoming more and more popular as an intellectual accompli and as a source of real social enjoyment and improvement; and such a work as Pi Monroe’s will be of great service as a valuable aid in furthering the interest of th and home circle. — Boston Home Journal. The four bound in sets to match, in neat box, and sold separately by all bookti and newsdealers, and sent free by mail on receipt of price.THE GLOBE DRAMA. Price, 25 Ceuta each. X. COUPON BONOS. A Drama in Four Acts. By J. 0.. Trowbridge Dramatised from the story of that name. Seven male, three female ^naracters. Three scenes. Modern costumes. Easily produced. 2. UNDE R A VEIL. A Comedietta in One Act. By Sir Randall Roberts, Bart. Two male, three female characters. Scene, interior. Double room. Time in representation, thirty minutes. 3. CLASS DAY. A Farce in One Act. By Dr. Francis A. Harris. Four i male, three female characters. Scene, interior. Played at Harvard with j great success. A. BETTER THAN GOLD. A Drama in Four Acts. By George M. Barer. Five male, four female characters. One interior: same for the four acts. 5. MRS. WALTHROP’S BACHELORS. A Comedy in Three Act,*. Translated and adapted from the German of Benedix. By George M. Baker and Willard Small. (“ Our Bachelors ” and “ Mrs. Walthrop’a Boarders ” were translated from the same.) 6. OUR MUTUAL ERIEND. A Comedy in Four Acts. Dramatised from the novel by Charles Dickens. By Harriet R. Shattdck. Four male, three female characters. 7* REBECCA’S TRIUMPH, A Drama in Three Acts. By George M. Baker. (For female characters only.) Sixteen characters. Scenes are : Act 1, kitchen. Act 2, woods. Act 3, parlor. Written at the request of the “ D.O.C. Cooking Club,” of Chicago, who took “Among the Breakers ” as a model. 8. APPLES. Comedy in One Act from Blackwoods Magazine. One male, two ; female characters. 9. BABXE. Comedy in Three Acts. Translated from the French of Emile de Najac and Alfred Ilennquin, „>y F. E. Chase. Six male, five female j characters. 10. 11. 13. 13. 14. 15. 16. ; 17. 18. i;A PERSONAL MATTER. Comedy in One Act. By *■. E. Chase. Two | male, and two female characters. iCOMRADES. A Drama in Three Acts. By George M. Baker. Four male, three female characters. Scene, interior. Costumes raoderr Always successful. SNOW-BOUND. A Musical and Dramatic Entertainment. By George A Baker. For three male and one female characters; requires some scenery \ tout can he easily produced. Introduces songs, recitations, and an original j Burlesque, “Alonzo the Brave and the Fair Imogene.” Time, two hours. BON-BONS. A Musical and Dramatic Entertainment. By George M. Baker. For four performers : three male, one female. Reeuires little scenery; introduces songs, recitations, and an original Burlesque, “The Paint King.” Time in representation, two hours. PAST REDEMPTION. A New Temperance Drama in Four Acts. By George M. Baker. Nine male, and four female characters, anA' *uer- numeraries. Scenery : three interiors, one exterior. NEVADA; or, The Lost Mine. Drama, in Three Acts. By Georg%> A. Baker. Eight male, three female characters. Scenery, exterior and in* * terior of a Miner’s^abin in Nevada. Time, about two hours. POISON. A Farce, as acted toy the Hasty Pudding Club of Harvard College ( with great success. Four male, three female characters. Time, thirty minutes. THE COOL COLLEGIANS. Comedy in Two Acts, by Miles Medic: three male and four female characters. Price, 15 Cents. LORDS OF CREATION. A Comedy in Three Acts. By Ella Chester Thayer. Five male and five female characters. Scenes, interior. Price 15c. MATCHMAKERS. A Comedietta in One Act. Two male and two female characters. Price, 15cts. ^ _ THE GREAT UMBRELLA CASE; A Mock Trial. ByF. E. Chase. Fifth Edition just ready. Price, 15cts. WALTER H. BASER & CO., 10 Milk Street, Boston.OEOROE^MT BAKEE3S PLAYS.J Price 15 cents,-unless otherwise stated. .ABOVE THE CLOUDS. Drama in two acts. 7 males, 4 females. AMONG THE BREAKERS. Drama in two acts. 6 males, 4 females.. ? ... * SETTEE. THAN. GOLD.; Drama in four acts. .5 males, 4.females.. 25 Cents, BON-BONS. Musical entertainment. 3 males, ...1 female. . . . ' ■ 25 Cents. BOSTON DIP, THE. Comedietta in one a'ct. 4 males, 3 females. BREAD ON THE: WATERS. Drama in two acts. 5 males, 3 females. CAPULETTA. Burlesque in two parts. 3 males, 1 female. - • CHAMPION OF HER SEX, THE. Farce in one act. 8 females. CHRISTMAS CAROL, A. Christmas en- tertainment from Dickens. Many char. CLOSE SHAVE, A. Farce in one act. 6 males. HEW BEOOM SWEEPS CLEAN J Farce in one act. 6 males. ■ NO CURE, NO PAY. Farce in one acl OHCE^OH A TIME. Drama in two j 4 males, 2 females. 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