vVvrnfi/t at thy aeu-jiictc/es dirtA
Jfebe strewd wtt/i flow rs the _Ta?t/t

POETICAL.

EPISTLES.

Nullus in orbel o c u sBaiis prselucet amcenis. HOR.
BATH.

THE

NEW BATH GUIDE:
MEMOIRS .
OF THE

B—N—R—D FAMILY. •
IN A S E R I E S OF

POETICAL EPISTLES.
Nullus in orbe locus Baiis prselucet amcenis. H O R .

A NEW

EDITION.

ILLUSTRATED WITH TWELVE BEAUTIFUL FLATES,
F R O M E N T I R E N E W DESIGNS.

BATH:
P R I N T E D BY J O H N B R O W N E , 6, B R I D G E - STREET*
AND SOLD BY D I D 1 E R AND T E B B E T T ,
7 5 , ST. J A M E S ' S - S T R E E T ,
LONDON.

1S09.
PRICE

FIVE

SHILLINGS

IN

BOARDS.

TO

THE

READER.

JL HERE present you with a collection of letters,
written by a family during their residence at Bath.—•
The first of them, from a romantic young lady, addressed to her friend in the country, will bring you
acquainted with the rest of the characters, and save
you the trouble of reading a dull introductory preface from
Your humble servant,
THE EDITOR.

CONTENTS.

PART I.
LETTER

I.

A view from the Parades at Bath, with some
account of the Dramatis Personce
LETTER

II.

Mr, B-n-r-d's
reflections on his arrival
at BatH.—The case of himself and company.—The acquaintance he commences,
&c.
&c
...
LETTER

III.

The Birth of Fashion, a specimen of a
modern ode . - .^
LETTER

IV.

A Consultation of Physicians

...

»-.

vi

CONTENTS.
LETTER V.

Salutations of Bath, and an adventure of
Mr. B—n—r—d's in consequence thereof '31
LETTER VI.

Mr. B—n—r—d gives a description of the
Bathing
88
LETTER VII.

A Panegyric
Hymn

on Bath, and a Moravian
...
46
LETTER

VIII.

Mr. B—n—r—d goes to the
opinion of gaming

Rooms.—His
- - - - — 51

PART I I .
LETTER IX.

Journal:—With
a Song upon an eminent
Cook at Bath ,
61

CONTENTS.

Vii

LETTER X.

Taste and Spirit.—Mr. B—n—r—d commences a Beau Gargon 74
LETTER XI.

A Description of the Bally with an episode
on Beau Nash - - . . . . . . . 80
LETTER X I I ,

A Modern Head-dress with a little Polite
Conversation...
- 92
LETTER X I I I .

A

Public Breakfast.—Motives for the
same.—A list of the company.—A tender
scene.—An unfortunate incident - — - 100
LETTER XIV.

Miss Prudence B—n—r—d informs Lady
Betty that she has been elected to Methodism by a Vision - . - - —
. . . . . . . . 110

viii

CONTENTS.
LETTER

XV.

Serious Reflections of Mr.
B~n~~r-~d.~IIis- Bill of Expences.—The Distresses
of the Family.—A Farewell to Bath
113

EPILOGUE
TO

THE SECOND E D I T I O N

Criticisms, and the Guide's Conversation
with three Ladies of Piety y Learning
and Discretion .......................................... 121
A Letter to Miss Jenny W—d—r at Bath ;
from Lady Eliz. M—d—ssr her friend
in the Country, a young Lad of neither
Fashion, Taste, nor Spirit
...........
126
The Conversation continued. The Ladies'
Receipt for a Novel. The Ghost of
Mr.Quin
133

THE

IE¥

BATH
PJRT

THE

GU13DE,
FIRST.

"/KIT

NEW BATH GUIDE.
LETTER I.
MISS JENNY W - D - R TO LADY ELIZ. M—D—SS,
AT
CASTLE, NORTH.
A View from the Parades at Bath, with some Account ot
the Dramatis Personam

S w E E T are yon hills that crown this fertile vale!
Ye genial springs ! Pierian waters, hail!
Hail, woods and lawns! Yes—oft I'll tread
Yon pine-clad mountain's side,
Oft trace the gay enamell'd mead,
Where Avon rolls his pride,
B3

4

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A V i e w from the Parades at Bath,

Sure, next to fair Castalia's streams,
And Pindus' flow'ry path,
Apollo most the springs esteems,
And verdant meads of Bath,

The Muses haunt these hallow'd groves,
Ana* here their vigils keep.
Here teach fond swains their hapless loves
Jn gentle strains to weep.

From water sprung, like flowers from dew,
What troops of bards appear !
The god of verse and physic too,
Inspires them twice a year.
Take, then, my friend, the sprightly rhyme
While you inglorious waste your prime,
At home in cruel durance pent.
On dull domestic cares intent.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
With some Account of the Dramatis Personne.

Forbid, by parent's harsh decree,
To share the joys of< Bath with me,
Ill-judging parent! blind to merjit,
Thus to confine a nymph of spirit!
With all thy talents doom'd to fade
And wither in th' unconscious shade $
I vow, my dear, it moves my spleen,
Such frequent instances I've seen
Of fathers, cruel and unkind,
To all paternal duty blind.
What wretches do we meet with, often,
Whose hearts m> tenderness can soften !
Sure all good authors should expose
Such parents, both in verse and prose,
And nymphs inspire with resolution
Ne'er to submit to persecution.
This wholesome satire much enhances
The merit of our best romances,
And modern plays, that I could' mentioa,
With judgment fraught, and rare invention^
Are written with the same intention.

S

6

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A View f om the Parades at Bath.
<

But, thank my stars ! that worthy pair,
Who undertook a guardian's care,
My spirit never have conrln'd ;
(An instance of their gen'rous mind)
For Lady B—n—r—d> my aunt,
Herself propos'd this charming jaunt>
All from redundancy of care
For Sim, her fav'rite son and heir 5
To him the joyous hours I owe
That Bath's enchanting scenes bestow $
Thanks to her book, of- choice receipts,
That pamper'd him with sav'ry meats 5
Nor less that day deserves a blessing
She cramm'd his sister to excess io;
For now she sends both son and daughter^
For crudities to drinfc the water.
And here they are, all bile and spleen/
The strangest fish that e'er was seen 5
With Tabby Runt, their maid, poor creature,
The queerest animal in nature.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
With some Account of the Dramatis Personae.

I'm certain none of Hogarth's sketches,
E'er form'd a set of stranger wretches.
1 own, my dear, it hurts my pride,
To see them blundering by my side-$
My spirits flag, my life and iire
Is morti fy'd ait desespoir,
When Sim, unfashionable ninny,
In public calls me cousin Jenny 5
And yet, to give the wight his due,
He has some share of humour too,
A comic vein of pedant learning
His conversation you'll disqern in,
The oddest compound you can-see
Of shrewdness and simplicity,
With natural strokes of awkward wit,
That oft, like Parthian arrows, hit;
Eor, when he seems to dread the foe*
He always strikes the hardest blow 5
And when you'd think he means to flatter.
His panegyrics turn to satire;

7

8

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A View from the Parades at Bath,

Bat then no creature you can find
Knows half so-little of mankind,
Seems always blundering iii the dark^
And always making some rerhark «
Remarks that so provoke one's laughter>
One can't imagine what he's after:
And sure you'll thank me for exciting
In Sim a wond'rous itch for writing:
With all his serious grimace
To give descriptions of the place.
3 F doubt his mother will produce
Np
flis poetry for gen'ral use,
And if his bluntness does not fright youa
His observations must delight you ;
For truly the true creature's mind
Is honest, generous, and kind:
If unprovok'd, will ne'er displease ye>,
Or ever make one soul uneasy.—
I'll try to make his sister Prue
Take a small trip to Pindus too.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE,

9

With some Account of the Dramatis Personse.

-And Me the Nine shall alJ inspire
To tune for thee the warbling lyre :
For thee the Muse shal!> every day,
'Speed, by the post, her rapid way.
For thee, my friend, I'll oft explore
Deep treasures of romantic lore :
Nor wonder if I gods create,
As all good bards have done of late ;
'Twill make my verse run smooth and even,
To call new deities from heaven :
Come,, then, thou goddess I adore !
But soft-—my chairman's at the door,
The ball's begun-—my friend, no more.
1BATH, 1766.

W—D—R.

LETTER II.
MR. SIMKIN B—N—R—D TO LADY B—N—R—D,
AT-—HALL, NORTH.

Mr. B—n—r-—d's reflections on his arrival at, Bath.—The case
of himself and eoaapany.^-The acquaintance he commences.?.
&c. &c.

all are a wonderful distance from home !
Two hundred and sixty long miles are we come ! !
And sure yom'lJ rejoice my dear mother; to hear
We are safely arriv'd at the sign of the Bear.
'Tis a.plaguy long way!? but I ne'er can repine,
As my stomach is weak, and my spirits decline;
For the people say here.,—-be whatever your case,
You are sure t©>get well if you come to this places
Miss Jenny made fun, as she always is wont,
Of Prudence my sister* and Tabilha Runt;
And every moment she heard me complain,
Declar'd I was vapour'd, and laugh'd at my pain.-

B A T H GUH1WE,

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•

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

II

Reflections on the Arrival.

What though at Devizes I fed pretty hearty,
And made a good meal, like the rest of the party,
When I came here to Bath, not a bit could 1 eat,
Tho* the man at the Bear had provided a treat:
And so I went quite out of spirits to bed.
With wind in my stomach, and noise in my head.
As we all came for health, (as a body may say,)
I sent for the doctor the very next day,
And the doctor was pleas'd, tho' so short was the
warning,
' To come to our lodging betimes in the morning $
He look'd very thoughtful and grave, to be sure,
And I said to myself—There's no hopes of a cure !
But I thought I should faint, when I saw him, dear
mother,
Feel my pulse witk one hand, with a watch in the
other $
s No token of death that is heard in the night
Could ever have put me so much in a frightj

ir

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
The Doctor,

Thinks I—'tis all over—my sentence is past.
And now he is counting how long I may last.—
Then he look'd at—:—, and his face grew so long,
I'm sure he thought something within me was
wrong.
He determin'd our cases, at length, (G—d preserve us !)
• I'm bilious, I find, and the women are nervous;
Their system's relax'd, and all turned topsy turvy,
With hypochondriacs, obstructions, and scurvy;
And these are distempers he must know the whole
on,
For he talk'd of the perecranium and colon,
Of phlegmatic humours oppressing the women,
From fceculent matters that swells the abdomen 5
Eut the noise I have heard in my bowels, like
thunder,
Is a flatus, I £nd, in my left hypochonder.
So plenty of med'cines each day does he send
Post singulis liquidas secies sumend*
Ad screpitu vesper' & man' promovend';

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

IS

And the Case.

In English to say, we must swallow a potion
For driving out wind after every motion
-,
The same to continue, for three weeks at least,
Before we may venture the waters to taste.
Five times have I purg'd, yet I'm sorry to tell ye,
I find the same gnawing and wind in my belly ;
But, without any doubt, I shall find myself
stronger,
When I've took the same physic a week or two
longer.
He gives little Tabby a great many doses,
For he says the poor creature has got the Chlorosis,
Or a ravenous Pica, so brought on the vapours
By swallowing stuff she had read in the papers
-,
And often I've marvell'd she spent so much money
In Water-dock- Essence, and Balsam of honey $
Such tinctures, elixirs, such pills have I seen,
I never could wonder her face was so green
Yet he thinks he can very soon set her to right ' w
With Testw Equin* that she takes ev'ry night
-,

U

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Acquaintance.

And when to her spirits and strength he has brought
her,
He thinks she may venture to bathe in the water.
But Prudence is fore'd ev'ry day to ride out,
For he says she wants thoroughly jumbling about.
Now it happens in this very house is a lodger,
Whose name's Nicodemus, but some call him
Roger.
And Roger's so kind as my sister to bump
On a pillion, as soon as she comes from the pump 5
He's a pious good man, and an excellent scholar,
And I think it is certain no harm can befal har 5
For Roger is constantly saying his prayers,
Or singing some spiritual hymn, on the stairs;^
But my cousin Miss Jenny's as fresh as a rose,
And the Captain attends her wherever she goes.
, The Captain s a worthy good sort of a man,
For he calls in upon us whenever he can,
And often a dinner or supper he takes here,
And Jenny and he talk of Milton and Shakespeare,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

15

Poetry the Fashion.

¥or the life of me now I can't think of his name,
But we all got accfuakited as soon as we came.
Don't wonder, dear mother in verse I have writ,
For Jenny declares I've a good pretty wit;
She says that she frequently sends a few verses
To friends and acquaintance, and often rehearses :
Declares 'tis the fashion $ and all the world knows
There's nothing so filthy, so vulgar, asjirose.
And I hopey as I write without any connection,
I shall make? a great figure in Dodsley's Collection 5
At least when he chooses his book to increase,
I may take a small dight as a fugitive piete.-*But now, my dear mother, I'm quite at a stand;
So I rest your most dutiful son to command.
BATH, 17$«.

S——B~N—R—©,

16

T H E N E W BATH GUIDE.

LETTER III.
MISS JENNY W - D - R TO LADY ELIZ. M—D-SS,
AT
CASTLE, NORTH.

THE BIRTH

O F FASHION 1 ,

A SPECIMEN OF A MODERN ODE.

SURE there are charms' by Heaven assign'd
To modish life alone $
A grace, an air, a taste refln'd,
To vulgar souls unknown*
Nature, my friend, profuse in vain*
May every gift impart,
If unimprov'd, they ne'er can gain
An empire o'er the heart

T H E ' N E W BATH GUIDE.
Specimen of a Modern Ode.

Dress be our care in this gay scene
Of Pleasure's blest abode :
Enchanting Dress! if well I ween,
Meet subject for an Ode.
Come^ then, nymph of various mieu^
Votary true of Beauty's queen,
Whom the young and ag'd adore,
And thy different arts explore.
Fashion come : On me awhile
Deign, fantastic nymph, to smile.
Moiia* thee, in times of yore,
To the motley Proteus bore 5
He, in bishop's robes array 'd,
Went one night .to masquerade,
Where thy simple mother stray'd:
She was clad like harmless quaker,
And was pleas'dmy lord should take,
By the waste, and kindly, shake her j
* Th£ Goddess of foljy.

19

gO

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Specimen of a Modern Ode.

And, with look demure^ said she,
(i
Pray, my Lord,—do you know me ?' f
He, with soothing, flattering arts,
Such as win all femaje hearts,
Much extoll'd her wit and beauty,
And declar'd it was his duty,
As she was a maid of honour,
To confer his blessing on her.
There 'mid dress of various hue,
Crimson, yellow, green, and blue,
All on furbelows and laces,
Slipt into her chaste imbraces
-,
Then, like sainted rogue, cry'd he,
e
Little quaker~--you know me."
Fill'd with thee, she went to France*
Land renown'd for complaisance,
Vers'd in science debonair,
Bowing, dancing, dressing hair;
There she chose her habitation,
Fix'd thy place of education.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Specimen of a Modern Ode.

Nymph, at thy auspicious birth,
Hebe strew'd with flowers ,the earth $
Thee to welcome, all the Graces
Deck'd in ruffles, deck'd in laces,
With the God of Love attended,
And the Cyprian queen descended.
Now( you trip it o'er the globe,
Clad in party-coloured robe,
And. with all thy mother's sense,
Virtues of your sire dispense.
Gpddess, if from hand like mine,
Aught be worthy of thy shrine,
Take the flow'ry wreath I twine.
Lead, oh! lead me by the hand,
Guide me with thy magic wand,
Whether, deck'd in lace and ribbons,
Thou appear'st like Mrs. Gibbons,
Or the nymph of smiling look,
At Bath yclept Janetta Cook,
c 2

21

23.-

THE: NE.Wx BATH GUIDE.
Specimen of a Modern Ode.

Bring, O bring thy essence-pot,
Amber, musk, ai}d<bergarnjot,
Eau de chipre, eau de luce,
Sans pariel, and citron juice.
Nor thy band-box leave behind,
Fil'l'd with stores of evqry kinc(^
All th' enraptur'd bard supposes,
Who to Fancy odes composes :
All that Fancy's self has^feign'dv
In a band-box is contain'd :
Painted lawns, and chequer'd shades,
Crape, that's worn byipye-lorA maids,
Water'd tabbies, flower c) ,brpcacl.es \
Vi'lets, pinks, Italian posies.
Myrtles, Jessamins, and roses, (l
Aprons, caps, and 'kerchief| clean,.
Straw-built hats, and bonnets, gieen,
Catguts, gauses, tippets,,.ruffs..
Fans, and hoods, and feather*.d muffij,
Stomachers and Paris nets,(,.
Ear-rings, necklaces, aigrets*
Fringes, blonds, and mignionets \

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Specimen of a Modern Ode.

Fine vermilion For the cheek,
Velvet patches a la grecque.
Come, but don't forget the gloves^
Which with all the smiling Loves>
Venus caught young Cupid picking
From the tender breast of chicken -,
Little chicken,"worthier far
Than the birds of Juno's car,
Soft as Cytherea's dove,
Let thy skin my skin improve;
Thou by night shalt grace my arm,
And by day shalt teach to charm.

Then, O sweet goddess, bring with thee
Thy boon attendant Gaiety,
Laughter, Freedom, Mirth, and Ease
And all the smiling deities;
Fancy spreading painted sails,
Loves that fan with gentle gales.—

23

24

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Specimen of a Modern Ode.

But hark ! —methinks I hear a voice,
My organs all at once rejoice j
A voice that says or seems ro say,
" Sister, hasten, Sister gay,
" Come to the pump-room—come away."

J

BATH, 1766.

W—D—R.

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THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

§5

LETTER IV.
MR. SIMKIN B—N—R—D TO LADY B—N—R—D,
AT
HALL, NORTH.

A CONSULTATION OF PHYSICIANS.

BEAR mother, my time has been wretchedly spent,
With a gripe or a hickup wherever I went,
My stomach all swell'd, 'till I thought it would
burst 3
Sure never poor mortal with wind was so curst!
If ever I ate a good supper at night,
I dream'd of the devil, and wak'd in a fright:
And so as 1 grew every day worse and worse,
The doctor advis'd me to send for a nurse,
And the nurse was so willing my health to restore
She begg'd me to send for a few doctors more 5
For when any difficult work's to be done,
Many heads can dispatch it much sooner than one5

m '

THE NEW BATH GUIDE...
Cniisulfafion o f Phvpicinns.

And I find there are doctors enough at this place,
If you want to consult in a dangerqus case !
So they all met together, and thus began talking :
(C
Good doctor, I'm your's-^'tis a fine day for
walking—•
ki
Sad news in the papers—G—d knows who's to
blame!
" The colonies seem to be all in flame-riC
This stamp act, no doubt might be good for . the
crown,
i(
But 1 fear 'tis a pill that will never go down—
<c
What can Portugal mean ?—is she going to
stir up
" Convulsions and heats in the bowels of Europe ?
" 'Twill be fatal if England relapses again,
" From the ill blood and humours of Bourbon and
Spain,5*
Says I—< My good doctors, I can't understand
* Why the duce ye take so many patients ft*
hand j

THE NliW BATH GUIDE.

21

Consultation of Physicians*

* Ye've a great deal of practice, as far as 1 find;
Biit since ye're come hither, do pray be so kind
6
To write me out something that's good for the
wind.
* No doubt ye are ail of ye great politicians,
' But at present my bop els have need of physicians:
1
Consider my case in the light it deserves,
' And pity the state of my stomach and nerves.'—
But a tight little doctor began a dispute
About administrations, Newcastle, and Bute,
Talk'd much of ceconomy, much of profuseness,
Says another—-c( This case, which at first was a
looseness,
" Is become a Tenesmus, and all we can do
" Is to give him a gentle cathartic or two 5
" First get off the phlegm that adheres to the Plicar,
" Then thiow in a med'cine that's pretty and spicy ;-*
u
A peppermint draught,— or a
Come let's be
gone,

f

H

We've another bad case to consider at one."

28

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
The Disaster.

So thus theybrush'd off, each his cane at his nose^
When Jenny came in, who had heard all their
prose 5
<e
I'll teach them/' says she, " at their next consultation."
u
To come and take fees for the good of the
nation."
I could not conceive what the devil she meant,
But she seiz'd all the stuff that the doctor had sent,
And out of the window she flung it down souse,
As the first politician went out of the house.
Decoctions and syrups around him all flew,
The pill, bolus, julep, and apozem too $
His wig had the luck a cathartic to meet,
And squash went the gallipot under his feet.
She said 'twas a shame I should swallow such stuff,
When my bowels were weak, and the physic so
rough;
Declar'd she was shock'd that so many should come,
To be doctor'd to death such a distance from home,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

29

Acquaintance.

At a place where they tell you that water alone
Can cure all distempers that ever were known.
But, what is the pleasantest part of the story,
She has order'd for dinner a piper and dory ;
For to-day Captain Cormorant's coming to dine,
That worthy acquaintance of Jenny, and mine.
'Tis a shame to the, army that men of such spirit
Should never obtain the reward of their merit 5
For the Captain's as gallant a man i'll be sworn,
And as honest a fellow as ever was born :
After so many hardships and dangers incur'd,
He himself thinks he ought to be better prefer r'd.
And Roger, or, what is his name, Nicodemus,
Appears full as kind, and as much to esteem us ;
Our Prudence declares he's an excellent preacher,
And by night and by day is so good as to teach her.j
His doctrine so sound with such spirit he gives j
She ne'er can forget it as long as she lives.

SO

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
/The Dinner.

I told you before that he's often so kind
To go out,a riding, with Prudence behind,
So frequently dines here without any pressing*
And now to the fish he is giving his blessing j
And as that is the case, though J've taken a
griper,
I'll venture to peck at the dory and piper.
And now,.my dear mother, &c, &c. &c.
. s _ — = B ^ N —;a— p,
BATH, 3 766.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

LETTERS.

-•

31

l

MR. S f M I U N f i — N ^ R ~ I v r O ; L A l > ¥ l i ^ N - R - r l ' ) ^
AT——HALL. NORTH.
Salutations of Bath, and au ad vendue of Mr, J3r-11—:'>--d m
Coiiseqaeure thereof.

O city dear mother, this city: excels
In charming -sweet sounds, both of fiddles' and bells* .
[ thought, like- a 'fpo3> that they only would ring
For a wedding, or judgeyor the birth of a king •
But I found 'twas for ••••me* that the^'good-uatared
people
Rang -so hard, that-1 thought;they would full down
the ;steeple.So I took out-my pursed as -I hate to be shabby1, '•
And paid all the men when they came from the
Abbey :

32

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Salutations of Bath.

Yet some think it strange they should make such
a riot
In a place where sick folk would be glad to be
quiet.;
But I hear 'tis the bus'ness of this corporation
To welcome in all the great men of the nation ;
For you know there is nothing diverts or employs
The minds of great people like making a noise;
So with bells they contrive all as much as they can,
To tell the arrival of any such man.
If a broker, or statesman, a gamester, or peer,
A nat'raliz'd Jew, or a bishop, comes here,
Or an eminent trader in cheese should retire,
Just to think of the bus'ness the state may require,
With horns, and with trumpets, with fiddles, and
drums,
They'll strive to divert him as soon as he comes.
Tis amazing they find such a number of ways
Of employing his thoughts all the time that he
stays!

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

S3

Salutations of Bath.

If by chance the great man at his lodgings alone is,
He may view from his window the colliers' ponies,
On both the parades, where they tumble and kick,
To the great entertainment of those that are sick:
What a number of turnspits and builders he'll find
For relaxing his cares, and unbending his mind,
While notes of sweet music contend with the cries
Of fine potted laver, fresh oisfers, and pies I
And music's a thing I shall truly revere,
Since the city musicians so tickled my ear:
For when we arriv'd here at Bath t'other day,
They came to our lodgings on purpose to play;
And I» thought it was right, as the music was
come,
To foot it a little, in Tabitha's room
-,
For practice makes perfect, as often I've read,
And to heels is of service as well as the head :
But the lodgers were shock'd such a noise we should
make,
And the ladies declar'd that we kept them awake s

S'k

THE NEW BATFT GUIDE.
Salutations of Oath.

Lord Ringbone, who lay in the parlour below,
On account of the gout he had got in his toe,
Began, on a sudden, to curse and to swear ;
I protest, my dear mother, 'twas shocking to hear
The oaths of that reprobate gouty old peer :
" A l l trie devils in hell sure at ,once ^have coneurr'd
" To make such a noise here as never was heard ; .
" Some blundering blockhead, while I am in bed,
<c
Treads as hard as a coachrhorse just over my
head;
iC
I cannot conceive what a plague he's about ,
" Are thefldlers come hither to make'all this rout.
" With their d—~'d squeaking cat-gut, that's worse
than the gout ?
" If tlie! aldermen bade 'em come hither, I swear
<e
I wish/ they were broiling in hell with the
may'r';
" May flames be my portion if ever I give
ff
Those rascals one farthing as long as I live !"

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
The Reconoitrtf.

So while they were playing their musical airs,
And I was just dancing the hay round the chairs,
He roar'd to his Frenchman to kick them down
stairs.
The Frenchman came forth, with his outlandish
lingo,
Just the same as a monkey, and made all the
men go ,
*
I could not make out what he said, not a word,
And his lordship declar'd I was very absurd.
Says I, 'Master Ringbone, Fve nothing to fear,
' Tho' you be a lord, and your man a mounseer,
(
For the may'r and the aldermen bade them come
here:
< «.—
As absurd as I am,
' I don't care a damn
6
For you nor your valet de sham :
' For a Loid, do you see,
' Is nothing to me,
' Any more than a flea;

m

THE NEW BATH .GUIDE,
The Fee.
<

And your frenchman, so eager,
' With a;M his soup -meagre,
f
Is no more than a mouse,
' Or a bug, or a louse,
* And 111 do ;as I ptease while I stay in :thc
house i
c
For the B—n-^-r-Hl lazily all can afford
(
To part with their money as free as a LoiCd/'
So I thanked -the musicians, an4 g-a^-e Hkem a
guinea,
I W the ladies and geridemeii -eatl'VI me a iarrmy 5
And 111 give them another the next ti-aae %hzy
play,
Iter men of good fortune encourage, they say,
All arts and all sciences too, in their way
-,
So the men were so kind as to hollow and bawl,
" God bless you, Sir, thank you j good fortune
befall
fi
Yourself* and the *B—n--r—d family all."

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

37

Conclusion.

Excuse any more,—for I very well know
Both my subject and verse— is exceedingly low ;
But if any great critic finds fault with my letter,
He km -nothing to do but to send you a better.
And now my dear mother, &c. &c. &c.
S
BATH, m6.

& %

B—N—B~ <B.

3$

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
LETTER VI.

MR. SIMKIN B-N-~R-^D TO LADY B — N - R - D .
AT —— HALL, NORTH.
Mr. B—n—r—d gives a description of the Bathing.

T H I S morning, dear mother, as soon as 'twas
light,
I was wak'd by a noise that astonish'd me quite j
For in Tabitha's chamber I heard such a clatter,
I could not conceive what the deuce was the
matter;
#
And, would you believe it, 1 went up and found
her
In ahlanket, with two lusty fellows around her,
t ^ h o both seem'd a going to carry her of? in
A little black box, just the size of a coffin :
€
Pray tell m e / says I, ' what ye're doing of there}'
" Why, master, 'tis hard to be bilk'd of our fare,
" And so we are thrusting her into a chair 3

1 \T 11 CI U)L
3

Jieslrfned ic -t idntvei! tn / QrrnSm fiirm "

<Jl^w/n&

Jam&am

a/aa/s ant/Jtt

Pubiuhett _

ttfey

ttft- /he&z c/ac&J.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

39

Description of the Bathing-.
<c

We don't see no reason for using us so,
For she bade us come hither, and now she won't go:
ei
We've earn'd all the fare, for we both came and
knock'd her
" Up, as soon as 'twas light, by advice of the
doctor;
u
^nd this is a job that we often go a'ter,
" For ladies that choose to go into the water."
' But pray,' saysl f Tabitha, what is your drift
< To be covered in flannel, instead of a shift ?
' 'Tis all by the doctor's advice, I suppose,
* That nothing is left to be seen but the nose :
' I think, if you really intend to go in,
f
'Twould do you more good if you stiipt to the skin;
< And if you've a mind for a frolic, i'faith,
' I'll just step and see you jump into the bath.'
So they hoisted her down just as safe&nd as well
And as snug as a bodmandod rides in his shell:
I fain would have gone to see Tabitha dip,
But they turn'd at a corner, and gave me the slip,
(i

4$

T»E NEW BATH GUIDE.
Description of the Bathing.

Yet in searching about I had better success,,
Eor I got to a, place where the ladies undress :
Thinks= I to myself they are after some fun,
And I'll see what they are doing, as sure as a gun :
So I peep'd: at the door, and I saw a great mat
That cover'd the table, and got under that,
And laid myself down there, as snug and as still,
(As a body may say) like a thief in a mill:
And o{ all the fine sights, 1 have seen, my d$a.
I never expect to behold such another :
How th£ ladies did giggle, and set up their clacks,:
All the while an old woman was. rubbing their backs!
Ob, 'twas, pretty to see them, all put on their
flannels,
And then take? the-water, like so many spaniels- y
And tho' ajlthe while it grew hotter and hotter,
They swam just as if they were hunting, an otter,
'Twas a glorious sight to behold the fair: se^
All wading, with gentlemen,; up to their, neck&,,

'THE NEW BATH GtllCE.

4f

Description of the Bathing*

And view them so prettily tumble and sprawl
Iri a great smoking kettle, as big as our ha!) :
And, to-day, many persons of rank and condition
Were boil'd by command of an* able physician :
Dean Spavin, Dban Mangey, and Doctor Do's'*
quirt,
Were all sent from -Cambridge to rub off the
dirtf.
Judge Kane, and the worthy old Counsellor Pest,
Join'd issue at once., and went in1 with the rest;
And this they all said was exceedingly good
For strength'nihg the spirits, and .mending th$
blood;.
I t pleas'd me to see how they all were inclin'd^
To lengt&n their lives for the good of mankind^
For I ne'er woulfr believe that a'bishop or judge
iCan faney oldSktan may owe him a grudge 5
Tho' some think the lawyer may choose to <&mur ;
And the priest till another occasion deferj

42

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Oescr^sshH! «>f the hathiiiv.

And both, to be better prepared for hereafter,
Take a smack of the brimstone contained in the
water.
But what is surprising, no moi tal e'er view'd
Any one of the physical gentlemen stew'dj
Since the day that king BJadud* first found out
these bogs,
And thought them so good for himself and his
hogs,
Not one1 of the faculty ever has tried
These excellent waters to cure his own hide 5
Tho* many a skilful and learned physician,
With candour, good sense, and profound erudL
tioo,
Obliges the world with the fruits of his brain,
Their nature and hidden effects to explain.
Thus Chiron advis'd Madam Thetis to take
And dip her poor child in the Stygian lake,
Vide Old Bath Guide.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

43

Description of the Bathing.

But the worthy old doctor was not such an elf
As ever to veniure his carcase himself.
So Jason's good wife us'd to set on a pot,
And put in at once all the patients she got,
But thought it sufficient to igive her direction,
Without being coddled, to mend her complexion :
And I never have heard that she wrote any treatise
To tell what the virtue of water and heat is;
You cannot conceive what a number of ladies
Were wash'd in the water, the same as our
maid is ;
Old Baron Vanteazer, a man of great wealth,
Brought his lady, the Baroness, hear for her
health :
The Baroness bathes, and she says that her case
Has been hit to a hair, and is mending apace :
And this is a point all the learned agree on,
The Baron has met with the fate of Acteon $
Who, while he peep'd into the bath, had the luck
To find himself suddenly chang'd to a buck,

m

T l f l N E W BATH GUIDE.
Inscription of tlie Bathing.

Miss Scratdlie went In, and the Countess of Scales:,
Both ladies of very great fashion in Wales j
Then all of a sudden two persons of worth,
My Lady Pandora Macscurvy eame forth,
With General Sulphur, arriv'd from the North.
So Tabby, you see*, had the honour of washing
With folks of distinction, and very high fashion :
But in spite of good company, poor little soul,
She shook both her ears, like a mouse in a Bowl.

Ods-bobs! how delighted I was, unawares,
With the fiddles I heard in the room above stairs ;
iFor music is wholesome, the doctors all think,
WOY ladies that bathe,, and for ladies that drink;
And that ? sthe opinion of Robin, our driver,
Who whi&ttes hi# nags while they stand at the river:
They say it is right that for every gfass>
A tune voir should- take, that the waterway pass*

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

**

Description of the Bathing.

So while little Tabby was washing her rump,
The ladies kept drinking it out of the pump.
I've a deal more to say, but am loth to intrude
On your time, my dear mother, so now I'll conclude.
S
BATH, 1766.

B^-N—a—1>*

46

THE NEW BATH GUIDE'.

LETTER VII.
MR. SIMKTN B-N—R—D TO LADY B—X—R—D,
AT
HALL. NORTH.
A Panegyric on Bath, and a Moravian Hymn.

© F all the gay places the world can afford.
By gentle and simple for pastime ador'd,
Fine balls, and fine concerts, iine buildings and
springs,
Fine walks, and fine views, and a thousand iine
things,
(Not to mention the sweet situation and air)
What place, my dear mother, with Bath can compare ?
Let Bristol for commerce and dirt be renown'd
-7
At Sal'sbury pen-knifes and scissars be ground $

TFfE NEW BATH GUIDE.

47

Pane^'viic on £}ath.

The towns of Devizes, of Bradford, and Frome,
May boast that they better can manage the loom;
I believe that they may ;—but the world to refine
In manners, in dress, in politeness to shine,
O Bath ! let the art, let the glory be thine.
I'm sure I have travell'd our country all o'er,
And ne'er was so civilly treated before i_
Would you think, my dear mother, (without the
least hint
That we all should be glad of appearing in print)
The news writers here were so kind as to give all
The world an account of our happy arrival ?
You scarce can imagine what numbers I've met,
(Tho' to me they are perfectly strangers as yet)
Who all with address and civility came,
And seem'd vastly proud of subscribing our name.
Young Timoihy Canvas is charm'd with the place,
Who, I hear, is come hither, his fibres to brace j
Poor man ! at th' election he threw, t'other day,
All his victuals, and liquor, and money away 3

48

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Panegyric on Bath.

And some people think with such haste lie began,
That soon he the constable greatly outran,
And is qualified now for a parliameBt-man :
Goes every day to the eoiFee-house, where
The wits and the great politicians repair;
Harangues on the funds, and the state of ttie nation?
And plans a good speech for an adoiinistratioi'i,
In hopes of a place, which he thinks he deserves,
As the love of his country has rnin'd his nerves.—
Our neighbour, Sir Basteiiin Widgeon, has swore
H e ne'er will return to his bogs any more;
The ThickscuIIs are settled; we've had invitations
With a great many more on the score of relations:
The Loungers are come too.—Old Stucco has just sent
His plan for a house to be built in the Crescent;
Twill soon be completed, and they say all their
work
Is as strong as St. Paul's, <sr the minster at York*
Don't you think 'twould be better to leave our estate,,
And buy a good house here before 'tis too late £

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

*9

Panegyric en Bath.

You never can go, vay dear -mother, where you
So much have to see, and so 3ktfle-t©4o.
I write this in haste, for the Captain is -come,
And so 'kind as to go with us all to the room 5
But be sure by the very next post you shall hear
Of all I've the pleasure of meeting with there ;
For I scribble my verse with a great deal of ease,
And can send you a letter whenever I please :
And while at this place I've the honour to stay,
I think I can never want something to say,
But now my dear mother, &c. &e. &e,
J

_W— D—R.

BATH, 1766.

POSTSCRIPT.
I'm sorry to find at the city of Bath,
Many folks are uneasy concerning their faith :

50

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Moravian Hymn

Nicodemus, the preacher, strives all he can do
To quiet the conscience of good sister Prue ;
But Tabby from scruples of mind is releas'd
Since she met with a learned Moravian priest,
Who says, There is neither transgression nor sin ;
A doctrine that brings many customers in. x
She thinks this the prettiest ode upon earth, Which he made on his infant that dy'd in the birth,

ODE*.
Chicken blessed
And caressed,
Little bee on Jesu's breast !
From the hurry
And the flurry
Of the earth thou'rt now at rest.
* The learned Moravian has pirated this Ode from Count
Zinzendorf's Book of Hymns. Vide H. 33.

t- \ ' i (I

( l I [a I,

Designed JzH'yiyraved hy FJpruion

fiin.

£/e£ ^/tew '/i&iw arse /.cza^ t^/ietfi o?t.ce //ze?/ ov<?w.
iee/& am
jftMtshed

/Jb/.

T H E N E W BATH GUIDE.

51

LETTER VIII.
MR. SIMKIN B—N—R~-D TO LADY B—N—R—D,
AT
HALL, NORTH.
Mr. B-n-r-il goes to the Rooms.

His opinion of Gaming,

I F R O M the earliest ages dear mother, till now,
All statesmen and great politicians allow
That nothing advances the good of a nation
Like giving all money a free circulation:
This question from members of parliament draws
Many speeches that meet universal applause $
And if ever, dear mother, I live to be one,
I'll speak on this subject as sure as a gun :
For Bath will I speak, and I'll make an oration
Shall obtain me the freedom of this corporation;
E

52

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
On Gaming.

I have no kind of doubt but the speaker will beg
All the members to hear when I set out my leg.
(C
Circulation of Casji—circulation decay'd—
Ce
Is at once the destruction and ruin of trader
<e
Circulation—I sa$r—circulation it is,
<e
Gives life to commercial countries like thisj"
What thanks to the city of Bath then are due
From all who this patriot maxim pursue5
For in no place whatever that national good
Is practis'd so well, and so well understood.
What infinite merit and praise does she claim in
Her ways and her means for promoting of gaming!
And gamingy no doubt, is of infinite use
That same circulation of cash to produce.
What true, public-spirited people are here,
Who for that very purpose come every year !
All eminent men, who no trade ever knew
Bat gaming, the only good trade to pursue;
Ail other professions are subject to fail,
But ga m ing's a bus'ness will ever prevail;

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

53

On Gaming.

Beides, 'tis the only good way to commence
An acquaintance with all men of spirit and sense $
We may grub on without it thro' life, I suppose,
But then 'tis with people—that rwbody knows.
W e ne'er can expect to bs rich, wise, or great,
Or look'd upon fit for employments of state:
*Tis your men of fine heads, and of nice calculations
That afford so much service to administrations,
Who by frequent experience know how to devise
The speediest methods of raising supplies :
'Tis such men as these, men o£ honour and worth,
That challenge respect from all persons of birth;
And is it not right they should all be carest,
When they're all so polite, and so very well drest,
When they circulate freely the money they've won,
And wear a lac'd coat, tho' their fathers wore none}
Our trade is encourag'd as much, if not more.
By the tender soft sex I shall ever adore j

54

T\W, NFW BATH GUIDE.
5 ii^\.yvic
'

m the Ladies.

Bat their husbands, those brutes, have been known*
to complain,
And swear they will never set foot here again.—
Ye wretches ingrate! to find fault with your
wives,
The comfort, the solace, and joy of your lives:
Oh! that women, whose price is so far above
rabies,
Should fall to the lot of such ignorant boobies!
Does n't Solomon speak of snch women with
rapture,
In verse ills eleventh, and thirty-first chapter !
And sorely that wise king of Israel knew
What belong'd to a woman much better than you !
He says, i( \iyoVi find out a virtuous wife,
if
She will do a man good all the days of her life ;
" She deals like a mei chant, she sitteth up late."
And you'll find it is written in verse twenty-eight,
l<
Her husband is sure to be known at the gate.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

55

Panegwi '. 057 + V T,'?d'f^.
<c

He never hath need or occasion for spoil,
" When his wife is much better employ'd all the
while 5
" She seeketh fine wool, and fine linen she bnys,
<(
And is clothed in purple and scarlet like^- ise."
Now pray don't your wives do the very same thing,
And follow th' advice of that worthy old king ?
Do they spare for expences themselves in adorn'ng
Don't they go about baying fine thln a s all th in. riling ?
And at cards all the night take the trouble to play,
To get back the money they spent in the day ?
And sure there's no sort of occasion to thew
Ye are known at the gate, or wherever ye go.
Pray are not your ladies at Bath better pjac'd
Than the wife of a king, who her elf so disgrac'd,
And at Ithaca liv'd in sucb viry bad taste?
Poor soul! while hei husbaad thought proper to
leave her,
She slav'd all the day like a Spitaliields' weaver,

56

TPJE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Advantages of Gaming.

And then, like a fool, when her web was half spun
PuJl'd to pieces at night all the work she had done:
But these to their husbands more profit can yield,
And are much like a lilly that grows in the field \
They toil not indeed, nor indeed do they spin,
Yet they never are idle when once they begin,
But are very intent on increasing their store,
And always keep shuffling and cutting for more :
Industrious, creatures! that make it a rule
To secure half the fish, while they manage the pool;
So they win to be sure; but I very much wonder
Why they put so much money the candlestick under >
For up comes a man on a sudden, slapdash,
Snuffs the candles, and carries away all the cash:
And as nobody troubles their heads any more,
I'm in very great hopes that it goes to the poor.—
Methinks I should like to excel in a trade
By which such a number their fortunes have made.
I've heard of a wise, philosophical Jew,
That shuffles the cards in a manner that's new;

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

57

Advantages of Gaming.

One Jonas,, I think 5— And could wish for the future
To have that illustrious sage for my tutor ;
And the Captain, whose kindness I ne'er can forget,
Will teach me a game that he calls Lansquenet.
So I soon shall acquaint you what money I've won.
In the mean time I rest your most dutiful son,
S.

-B—N~~ R — D .

BATH, 1766.

THE END OF THE FIRST PART.

THE

H E W B A T H GUIDE.
PART

THE

SECOND.

HAT It

([vIMRiC

Jrts fried

ftiblished _

x / Reived /> /* ff

^

/ft,

>

'<>>-? >

THE N E W BATH GUIDE.

PART

THE

61

SECOND!

LETTER IX.MISS JENNY W—D-R TO LADY ELIZ. M—D—SS,
AT
CASTLE, NORTH.

A JOURNAL.

To humbler strains, ye Nine, descend,
And greet my poor sequester'd friend.
Not odes with rapid eagle flight,
That soar above all human sight,
Not Fancy's fair and fertile field,
To all the same delight can yield.

m

TF a NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Journal.

But come,. Calliope, and say
How pleasure wastes the various day:
Whether thou art wont to rove
By Parade, or Orange Giove,
Or to breathe a purer air
In the Circus or the Square :
Wheresoever be thy path,
Tell, O tell the joys of Bath.
Ev'ry morning, ev'ry night,
Gayest scenes of fresh delight
-,
When Aurora sheds her beamsf
Wak'd from soft Elysian dreams,
Music calls me to the spring,
Which can health and spirits bring :
There Hygeia, goddess, pours
Blessings from her various stores 5
Let me to her altars haste,
Tho' I ne'er the waters taste,
Near the pump to take my stand,
With a nosegay in my hand,

THE NEW BATH GUHUJ.
A Journal.

And to hear the Captain say,
* How d'ye do, dear Miss, to day ?'
The Captain ;—Now you'll say, my dear,,
Methinks I long his name to hear :-—
Why then—but don't you tell my aunt,
The Captain's name is Cormorant:
Eut hereafter, you must know,
I shall call him Romeo,
And your friend, dear lady Bet,
Jenny no more, but Juliet.
O ye guardian spirits fair,
All who make true love your care,
May 1 oft my Romeo meet,
Oft enjoy his converse sweet 5
I alone his thoughts employ,
Through each various scene of joy !
Lo ! where all the jocund throng
From the pump-room hastes along,
To the breakfast all invited
By Sir Toby, lately knighted.

63

64

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Journal.

See, with joy my Romeo comes !
He conducts me to the Rooms
-,
There he whispers, not unseen,
Tender tales behind the screen;
While his eyes are hVd on mine,
See each nymph with envy pine,
And, with looks of forc'd disdain,
Smile contempt, but sigh in vain!
O the charming parties made!
Some to walk the South Parade,
Some toLincomb's shady groves,
Or to Simpson's proud alcoves,
Some for chapel trip away,
Then take places for the play;
Or we walk about in pattens,
Buying gauzes, cheap'ning satins :
Or to Painter's we repair,
Meet Sir Peregrine Hatchet there,
Pleas'd the artist's skill to trace
In his dear Miss Gorgon's face :

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Journal.

Happy pair! who fix'd as fate
For the sweet connubial state,
Smile in canvas tete a tete.
If the weather, cold and chill,
Calls us all to Mr. Gill,
Romeo hands tome the jelly,
Or the soup of Vermicelli:
If at Toyshop I step in,
He presents a di'mond pin ;
Sweetest token I can wear,
Which at once may grace my hair,
And, in witness of my flame,
Teach the glass to bear his name:
See him turn each trinket over,
If for me he can discover
Aught his passion to reveal,
Emblematic ring or seal,
Cupid whetting pointed darts
For a pair of tender hearts;
Hymen lighting sacred fires,
Types of chaste and fond desires.

65

66

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A .journal.

Thus enjoy we ev'ry blessing ;
'Till the toilet calls to dressing :
Where's my garnet, cap and sprig?
Send for Singe to dress my wig j
Bring my silvered mazarine,
Sweetest gown that e'er was seen :
Tabitha, put on my ruff:
Where's my dear delightful muff?
Muff, my faithful Romeo's present!
Tippet too from tail of pheasant!
Muff from downy breast of swan !
O the dear enchanting man !
Muff that makes me think how Jove
Flew to Lecla from above—
Muff that —Tabby, see who rapt then,
"Madam, Madam, 'tis the Captain!'*
Sure his voice I hear below,
*Tis, it is my Romeo !
Shape and gait, and careless air,
Di'mond ring, and solitaire,
Birth and fashion ail declare,.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Journal.

How his eyes, that gently roll,
Speak the language of his soul $
See the dimple on his cheek,
See him smile and sweetly speak ;
" Lovely nymph, at your command,
" I have something in my hand,
" Which I hope you'll not refuse,
'* Twill us both at night amuse :
" What tho* Lady Whisker crave it>
" And Miss Badger longs to have it ?
<c
T i s , by Jupiter I swear,
" T i s for you alone, my dear 5
" See this ticket, gentle maid,
"" At your feet an offering laid :
u
Thee the loves and graces call
" To a little private ball:
" And to play I bid adieu,
"Hazard, lansquenet, and loo,
" Fairesbnympfe, to dance with you."
—I with joy accept his ticket, !
And upon my bosom stick it :
v

67

68

THE N E W BATH GUIDE.
A Journal.

Well I know how Romeo dances,
With what air he first advances,
With what grace his gloves he draws on,
Claps, and calls up Nancy Dawson;
Me thro' every dance conducting,
And the music oft instructing,
See him tap, the time to shew,
With his light fantastic toe;
SkilFd in ev'ry art to please,
From the fan to waft the breeze,
Or his bottle to produce,
Fill'd with pungent Eait de Luce—
Wonder not, my friend, I go
To the ball with Romeo.
Such delights if thou canst give,
Bath, at thie I choose to live.
J
SATH, 1765.
F 2

_ W—D—R.

THE N E W BATH GUIDE.
Postci i p ' .

FOSTCRIPT.
Enclos'd you'll find some lines, my dear,
Made by a hungry poet here,
A happy bard, who rhymes and eats,
And lives by uttering quaint conceits5
Yet thinks to him alone belong
The laurels due to modern sons.
9

69

70

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

SONG.
A CHARGE TO THE POETS.
Writtenat Mr. GILL'S, an eminent CookatBalh.

<bv tsqoCTwro;ET t agTf cat itaXac. Frag. vet. Poet,
c Tn

bards who sing the hero's praise,
Or lass's of the mill,
A loftier theme invites your lays,
Come tune your tyres to Gill.
Of all the cooks the world can boast,
However great their skill,
To bake, or fry, to boil, or roast,
There's none like Master Gill.

[Forte,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

71

Sweet rhyming troop, no longer stoop
To drink Castalia'3 rill.
Whene'er ye droop, O <-?sre the soup
That's made by Master Gill.
O taste this soup, for which the fair,,
When hungry, cold, and chill,
Forsake the Circus and the Square
To eat with Master Gill.
'Tis this that makes my Ohloe's lips
Ambrosial sweets distil;
For leeks and cabbage oft she sips
In soup that's made by Gill.
Immortal bards, view here your wit,
The labours of your quill,
T o singe the fowl upon the spit
Condemn'd by Master .GilL

^Affetuoso.

72

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Soii£.

My humble verse that faje w?li meet.
Nor shall I take it ill f
But grant, y^ gpds 1 thai. I may eat
That fowl, when drest by Gill.
These are your true poetic fires
That drest this sav'ry grill;
Ev'n while I eat the muse inspires,
And tunes my voice to Gill.
When C—— strikes the vocal lyre,
Sweet Lydian measures thrill j
But I the gridir'n more admire,
When tun'd by,Master Gill.
(<

Come take ray sage of ancient u s e / '
Cries learned Doctor H—11:
''But what's the sage without the goose V
Replies my Master Gill,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

73

A Song.

He who would fortify his mind,
His belly first should fill 5
Roast beef 'gainst terrors best you'll find ;
" The Greeks knew tbh" says Gill.

[Forte.

Your spirits and your blood to stir,
Old Galen gives a pill 5
But I the forc'd-meat ball prefer,
^ Prepar'd by Master Gill.
While he so well can broil and bake,
I'll promise arid fulfil,
No other physic e'er to take
Than what's prescribe by Gill.
Your bard has liv'd at Bath so long,
He dreads to see your bill—
Instead of cash accept this song,
My worthy Master Gill.

[Piano.
[Pianissimo-

74

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

LETTER X.
MR. SIMKIN B-N—R—D TO LADY B—N—It—D,
AT
HALL, NORTH.
Taste and Spirit

Mr. B-n-r-d commences a Beau Garcon*

feO lively, so gay, my dear mother, I'm grown,
I long to do something to make myself known :
For persons of taste and true spirit, I find,
Are fond of attracting the eyes of mankind:
What numbers one sees, who, for that very reason,
Come to make such a figure at Bath ev'ry season !
'Tis this that provokes Mrs. Shenkin Ap-Leek
To dine at the ord'nary twice in a week,
Tho* at home she might eat a good dinner in coxr
fort,
Nor pay such a cursed extravagant sum for't:

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

75

Taste and Sphit.

But then her acquaintance would never have known
Mrs. Shenkin Ap-Leek had acquir'd the Ion ton ;
Ne'er shewn how in taste the z\p-Leeks can excel
The Duchess of Truffles, and Lady Morel] ;
Had ne'er been ador'd by Sir Pye Macaroni,
And Count Vermicelli, his intimate crony ;
Both men of such taste, their opinions are taken
From an ortolan down to a rasher of bacon.
What makes Kitty Spicer, and little Miss Sago,
To auctions and milliners' shops ev'ry day go ?
What makes them to vie with each other and quarrel
Which spends the most money for splendid apparel ?
Why, Spirit—to shew they have much better sense
Than their fathers, who rais'd it by shillings and
pence.
What sends Peter Tewksbury every night
To the play with such infinite joy and delight ?
Why, Peter's a critic, with true Attic salt,
Can damn the performers, can hiss, and find fault,

76

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Taste and Spirit.

And tell when we ought to express approbation,
By thumping, and clapping, and vociferation ,
So he gains our attention, and all must admire
Young Tewksbury's judgment, his spirit and fire.
But Jack Dilettante despises the play'rs,
To concerts and musical parties repairs,
With benefit tickets his pockets he fills,
Like a mountebank doctor distributes his bills}
And tlras his importance and interest shews,
By conferring his favours wherever he goes ;
He's extremely polite both to me and my cousin,
For he often desires us to take off a dozen;
He has taste, without doubt, and a delicate ear,
No vile oratorios ever could bear
-,
But talks of the op'ras and his Signiora,
Cries bravo, benissimo, bravo, encora !
And oft is so kind as to thrust in a note
While old Lady Cuekow is straining her throat,
Or little Miss Wren, who's an excellent singer $
Then he points to the notes, with a ring on his

finger;

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

11

Mr. B-n-r-d commences a Beau Garcon.

And shews her the crotchet, the quaver, and bar,
All the time that she warbles and plays the guitar ;
Yet, I think, though she's at it from morning 'till
noon,
Her queer little thingumbob's never in tune.
Thank Heaven ! of late, my dear mother, my
face is
Not a little regarded at all public places :
For I ride in a chair, with my hands in a muff,
And have bought a silk coat, and embroider'd the
cuff 5
But the weather was cold, and the coat it was thin^
So the taylor advis'd me to line it with skin :
But what with my Nivernois* hat can compare*
Bag-wig, and lae'd ruffles, and black solitaire ?.
And what can a man of true fashion denote,
Like an ell of good ribbon ty'd under the throat? j
My buckles and box are in exquisite taste,
The one is of paper, the other of paste :

78

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Mr. B-n-r-d commences a Beau Garcon.

And sure no Camayeau was ever yet seen
Like that which I purchas'd at Wickstead's machine :
My stockings, of silk, are just come from the hosier'
For to-night I'm to dance with the charming Miss
Tozier :
So I'd have them to know, when I go to the ball,
I shall show as much taste as the best of them all :
For a man of great fashion was heard to declare
He never beheld so engaging an air,
And swears all the world must my judgment
confess,
My solidity* sense, understanding in dress j
My manners so form'd, and my wig so well euii'd,
I look like a man of the very first world:
But my person and figure you'll best understand
From the picture I've sent, by an eminent hand :
Shew it young Lady Betty, by way of endearance,
And to give her a spice of my mean and appearance,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

79

Mr. B-n-r-il commences a Beau G&reon.
Excuse any more, I'm in haste to depart,
For a dance is a thing that I love at my heart.
So now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c.
S—— B~ N—R—1>,
BATH, 1766,

80

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

LETTER XI.
MR SIMPKIN B—N—R-D TO LADY B—N—R—D,
AT
HALL, NORTH.
A Description of the Ball with an Episode on Bsau Nash.

" W H A T joy at the ball, what delight have I found,
By all the bright circles encompass'd around !
Each moment with transport my bosom felt warm,
For what, my dear mother, like beauty can charm ?
The remembrance alone, while their praise I rehearse,
Gives life to my numbers, and strength to my verse :
Then allow for the rapture the Muses inspire,
Such themes call aloud for poetical fire.
I've read how the Goddesses meet ail above,
And throng the immortal assemblies of Jove,

B A I fJ

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m€ a&cbzdv ef- •&?&&. amd/^4e-

l\tbtlshed

tifrfr

*y J- J-r,

a>ia£GJ

amaacc.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

81

Description of the Ball.

When join'd with the Graces fair Venus appears,
Ambrosial sweet odours perfume all the spheres;
But the Goddess of Love, and the Graces and all,
Must yield to the beauties I've seen at the ball $
For Jove never felt such a joy at his heart,
Such a heat as these charming sweet creatures impart.
In short—there is something in very fine women,
When they meet altogether—that's quite overcoming.
Then say, O ye nymphs, that inhabit the shades
Of Pindus* sweet banks, Heliconian maids,
Celestial Muses, ye powers divine,
G say, for your memory's better than mine,
What troops of fair virgins assembled around,
What squadrons of heroes for dancing renown'd,
Were rous'd by the fiddles' harmonious sound.
What goddess shall first be the theme of my song,
Whose name the clear Avon may murmur along,
And echo repeat all the vallies among !

82

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Description of the Ball.

Lady Tettaton's sister, Miss Fubby Fatarmin,
Was the first that presented her person so charming,
Than whom more engaging, more beautiful none,,
A goddess herself among goddesses shone,
Excepting the lovely Miss Towzer alone.
'Tis she that has long been the toast of the town,
Tho' all the world knows her complexion is brown :
If some people think that her mouth be too wide.
Miss Towzer has numberless beauties beside;
A countenance noble, with sweet pouting lips,
And a delicate shape from her waist to her hips;
Besides a prodigious rough black head of hair
All frizzled and curl'd o'er her neck that is bare :
IVe seen the sweet creature but once, I confess,
But her air, and her manner, and pleasing address,
All made me feel something I ne'er can express
But lo ! on a sudden what multitudes pour
From Cambrian mountains, from Indian shore $

THE NEW BATH GUIDE,

83

Description of (he Ball.

Bright maidens, bright widows, and fortunate
swains,
Who cultivate Lifry's sweet borders and plains,
And they who (heir flocks in fair Albion feed,
Rich Flocks and rich herds, (so the gods have decreed)
Since they quitted the pleasanter banks of the Tweed,
Yet here no confusion, no tumult is known,
Fair order and beauty establish their throne ;
For order, and beauty, and just regulation,
Support all the works of this ample creation.
For this, in compassion to mortals below,
The gods, their peculiar favour to show,
Sent Hermes to Bath in the shape of a Beau :
That giandson of Atlas came down from above
To blets all the regions of pleasure and love
-,
To lead the fair nymph thro" the various maze,
Bright beauty to marshal, his glory and praise 5
To govern, improve, and adorn the gay scene,
By the Graces instructed, and Cyprian Queen :

84

THE NEW BATH CUIDE.
Description of the BalL

As when in a garden delightful and gay,
Where Flora is wont all her charms to display,,
The sweet hyaeimhus with pleasure we view
Contend with naicissus in delicate hue j
The gard'ner industrious trims out his border.
Puts each odoriferous plant in its order
-,
The myrtle he ranges, the rose and the lily,
With iris, and crocus, and daffa-clown dillyj
Sweet peas and sweet oranges all he disposes
At once io regale both your eyes and your noses :
Long reign'd the great Nash, this omnipotent Lord,
Respected by youth, and by parents ador'd :
For him not enough at a ball to preside,
The unwary and beautiful nymph would he guide 5
Oft tell her a tale, how the credulous maid
By man, by perfidious man, is betray'd 3
Taught Charity's hand to relieve the distrest,
While tears have his tender compassion exprestv
But alas ! he is gone, and the city can tell
How in years and in glory lamented he fell jj

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

85

Description of the B ?11.

Him mourn'd all the Dryads on Claverton's mount;
Him Avon deplor'd, him the nymph of the Fount,
The crystalline streams.
Then perish his picture, his statue decay,
A tribute more lasting the Muses shall pay.
If true what philosophers ail will assure us,
Who dissent from the doctrine of great Epicurus,
That the spirit's immortal : as poets allow,
If life's occupations are follow'd below :
In reward of his labours, his virtue and pains,
He is footing it now in the Elysian plains,,
Indulg'd, as a token of Proserpine's favour,
To preside at her balls in a cream-colour'd beaver.
Then peace to his ashes—our grief be supprest,
Since we find such aphcenix has sprung fiom his nest:
Kind Heaven has sent us another professor,
Who follows the steps of his great predecessor.
JBut hark ! now they strike the melodious string,
The vaulted roof echoes, the mansions all ring;
Q 2

86

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.'
Description of the Ball.

At the sound of the hautboy, the bass and the fiddle,
Sir Boreas Blubber steps forth in the middle,
Like a holy-hock, noble, majestic, and tall,
Sir Boreas Blubber first opens the ball:
Sir Boreas, great in the minuet known,
Since the day that for dancing his talents were
shown,
Where the science is practised by gentlemen grown.
For in every science, in every profession,
We make the best progress at years of discretion.
How he puts on his hat, with a smile on his face.
And delivers his hand with an exquisite grace !
How genteely he offers Miss Carrot before us,
Miss Cat rot Fitz-Oozer, a niece of Lord Porus!
How nimbly he paces, how active and light!
One never can judge of a man at first sight;
But as near as I guess, from the size of his calf,
He may weigh about twenty-three stone and a half.
Now why should I men Lion a hundred more,
Who went the same circle as others before,
To a tune that they play'd us.a hundred times o'er?

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

87

Desciiption of the Ball.

See little Bob Jerom, old Chrysostom's son,
With a chitterlin shirt, and a buckle of stone,—
What a cropt head of hair-the young parson has on!
Emerg'd from his grizzle, th* unfortunate prig
Seems as if he was hunting all night for his wig
-,
Not perfectly pleas'd with the coat on his back,
Tho' the coat's a good coat, but alas, it is black !
With envious eyes he is doom'd to behold
The Captain's red suit that's embroider1 d with gold !
How seldom mankind are content with their lot !
Bob Jerom two very good livings has got:
Yet still he accuses his parents deceased,
For making a man of such spirit a priest.
Not so Master Marmozet, sweet little boy,
Mrs, Danglecub's hopes, her delight and her joy :
His pigeon-winged head was not drest quite so soon.
For it took up a barber the whole afternoon;
His jacket's well hcd, and the ladies protest
Master Marmozet dances as well as the best:
Yet some think the boy would be better at school:
But I hear Mrs. Danglecub's not such a fool

88

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
i>*smj:ii/5ii of ti». B a i l .

To send a poor thing with a spirit so meek,
To be flogg'd by a tyrant for Latin and Greek :
For why should a child of distinction and fashion
Lay a heap of such silly nonsensical trash in ?
She wonders that parents to Eton should send
Five hundred great boobies their manners to mend,
When the master that left it (tho? no one objects
To his care of the boys in all other respects)
Was extremely remiss, for a sensible man,
In nerer contriving some elegant plan
For improving their persons, and shewing them how
To hold up their heads, and make a good bow,
When they've got such a charming long room for a
ball,
Where the scholars might practise, and masters and
all:
But, what is much worse, what no parent would
choose,
He burnt all their ruffles, and cut off their queues,
So he quitted the school with the utmost disgrace,
And just such another's come into his place.

THE N E W BATH GUIDE.

89

Description of the. Bill.

She says that her son will his fortune advance,
By learning so early to riddle and dance :
So she brings him to Bath, which I think is quite
right,
For they do nothing else here from morning till
night ;
«
And this is a lesson all parents should know
To train up a child in the way he should go :
For, as Solomon says, you may safely uphold,
He ne'er will depart from the same when he's old.
No doubt she's a woman of fine understanding,
Her air and her presence there's something so grand
in;
So wise and discreet; and, to give her her due,
Dear mother, she's just such a woman as you.
But who is that bombazine lady so gay,
So profuse of her beauties, in sabie array }
How she rests on her heel, how she turns out her toe
How she pulls down her stays, wiih her head up to
show
Her lily-white bosom that rivals the snow !

SO

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Description of the Ball.

'Tis the widow Quicklackit, whose husband last
week,
Poor Stephen, went suddenly forth in a pique,
And pushd off his boat for the Stygian creek :
Poor Stephen ! he never ret imfd from the bourn.
But left the disconsolate widow to mourn.
Three times did she faint when she heard of the
news;
Six days did she weep, and all comfort refuse;
But Stephen, no sorrow, no tears can recal:
So she hallows the seventh, and comes to the ball.
For music, sweet music, has charms to controul,
And tune up each passion that ruffles the soul!
What things have I read, and what stories been
told
Of feats that were done by musicians of old !
I've heard a whole city was built from the ground
By magical numbers, and musical sound j
And here it can build a good house in the Square,
Or raise up a church where the godly repair.
1 saw, t'other day, In a tbi-tg calT d an ode
As it lay in a snug little house on the road,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

91

Wonderful Effects of Music.
How Saul was restor'd, tho* his sorrow was sharp,
When David, the Bethlemite, play'd on the harp :
'Twas music that bi ought a man's wile from Old
Nick,
And at Bath has the power to recover the sick :
Thus a lady was curd i'ofher day.—But 'tis time
To seal up my letter, and finish my ihyme.
S
BATH, 1766.

B—N—R-~p.

92

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

LETTER XII.
MR. SIMPKIN B-N—R— D TO LADY B—N—R— D,
ATHALL, NORTH.
A modern Head-dress, with a polite Conversation.

"W HAT base and unjust accusations We find
Arise from the malice and spleen of mankind;
One would hope, my dear mother, that scandal
would spare
The tender, the helpless, and delicate Fair 5
But alas! the sweet creatures all find it the case
That Bath is a very censorious place.
Would you think that a person I met since I came
(I hope you'll excuse my concealing his name)
A splenetic ill-natur'd fellow, before
A room-full of very good company, swore

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Fulksh<sd

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ttaitrvip.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

93

A Modern Head-dress.

That, in spite of appearance, 'twas very well
known.
Their hair and their faces were none of their own;
And thus without wit, or the least provocation,
Began an impertinent formal oration :
" Shall nature thus lavish her beauties in vain
e(
For art and nonsensical fashion to stain ?
Cf
The fair Jezebella what art can adorn,
<€
Whose cheeks are like roses that blush in the
morn ?
ei
As bright were her locks as in heaven are seen
" Presented for stars by th' Egyptian queen 5
c<
But alas ! the sweet nymph they no longer must
deck,
" No more shall they flow o'er her ivory neck;
<(
Those tresses, which Venus might take as a
favour,
Fall a victim at once to an outlandish shaver !
" Her head has he robb'd with as little remorse
" As a fox-hunter crops both his dogs and his horse v-

94

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Modern Ueari-dm<s.

" A wretch that, so far from repenting his iheit,
Makes a boast of tormenting the little that's left:
%e
Arid first at her porcupine head he begins
si
To fumble and poke with his irons and pins,
" Then fires all his crackers with horrid grimace,
" And puffs his vile Rocambol breath in her face,
<(
Discharging a steam that the devil would choak,
" From paper, pomatum, from powder, and smoak,
4€
The patient submits, and with due resignation
((
Prepares for her fate in the next operation.
f
* When lo ! on a sudden, a monster appears,
" A horrible monster, to cover her ears j—
" What sign of ths zodiac is it he bears ?
<e
Is it Taarus's tail, or the tete de mouton,
" Or the heard of the gout that he dares to put on ?
*' !Tis a wig en vetgette, that from Paris was brought,
" Un tete comme ilfautt that the varlet has bought
" Of a beggar, whose head he has shav'd for a
groat 5
" Now fix'd to her head, does he frizzle and dab it;
" 'Tis a foretop no more.—'lis the skin of a rabbit.—
<f

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

95

A Modern Head-dress.
fff

Tis a muff—'tis a thing, that by all is confest
" Is in colour and shape like a chaffinch's nest.
" O cease, ye fair virgins, such pains to employ
" The beauties of nature with paint to destroy ;
" See Venus lament, see the Loves and the Graces,
cc
All pine at the injury done to your faces !
« Ye have eyes, lips, and nose, but your heads are
no more
" Than a doll's that is plac'd at a milliner's door."
I'm asham'd to repeat what he said in the sequel,
Aspersions so cruel as nothing can equal!
I declare I am shock'd such a fellow should vex,
And spread all these lies of the innocent sex,
For whom, while I live, I will make protestation
I've the highest esteem and profound veneration;
I never so strange an opinion will harbour,
That they buy all the hair they have got of a barber:
Nor ever believe that such beautiful creatures
Can have any delight in abusing their feature :

§6

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Polite Conversation.

One thing tho' I wonder at much, I confess, is
Th' appearance they make in their different dresses,
For indeed they look very much like apparitions
When they come in the morning to hear the musicians,
And some I am apt to mistake, at first sight,
For the mother's of those I have seen over-night:
It shocks me to see them look paler than ashes,
And as dead in the eye as the busto of Nash is,
Who the evening before were so blooming and
plump;
-—I'm griev'd to the heart when I go to the pump :
For I lake ev'ry morning a sup at the water,
Just to hear what is passing, and see what they're
a'ter;
For I'm told the discourses of persons refin'd
Are better than books for improving the mind ;
Eut a great deal of judgment's requii'd in the
skimming
The polite conversation of sensible women,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

S7

Polite Conversation.

For they come to the pump, as before I was saying,
And talk all at once while the music is playing!
'' Your servant, Miss Fitchet. " " Good morning^
Miss Store."
<(
My dear Lady Riggledum, how is your throat ?
<e
Your ladyship knows that I sent you a scrall,
" Last night to attend at your ladyship's call,
ei
But I hear that your ladyship went to the ball."
<e
—Oh Fitchet—don't ask me—good heavens preserve—
ic
I wish there was no such a thing as a nerve $
et
Half dead all the night, I protest and declare;
(c
My dear little Fitchet, who dresses your hair ?
<f
You'll come to the rooms, all the world will be
there,
iC
Sir 1 oby Mac' Negus is going to settle
" His tea-drinking night with Sir Philip O'Kettle.
" I hear that they both have appointed the same 5
<e
The majoiity think that Sir Philip's to blame ;
ec
I hope they won't quarrel, they're both in a
flame:

98

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Polite Conversation.

" Sir Toby Mac' Negus much spirit has got,
" And Sir Philip O'Kettle is apt to be hot."—
et
Have you read the Bath Guide, that ridiculous
poem ?
u
What a scurrilous author ! does nobody know
him !"
tf
* Young Billy Penwaggle, and Simius Chatter,
<c
Declarers an illnatur'd half-witted satire."
" You know I'm engag'd, my dear creature, wit*1
you,
€c
And Mrs, Pamtickle, this morning at Loo ;
<c
Poor thing ! tho' she hobbled last night to the
ball,
*c To-day she's so lame that she hardly can crawl;
ei
Major Lignum has trod on the joint of her toe—
<' That thing they play'd last was a charming concerto
-j
c<
I don't recollect I have heard it before ;
*r The minue'ts good, but the jig I adore 5
<e
Pray speak to Sir Toby to cry out encore"

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

99

Polite Conversation

Dear mother, I think this is excellent fun,
But if all I must write, I should never have done,
So myself I subscribe your most dutiful son,
S
BATH, 1766.

H

— B—N—R—D.

100

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

LETTER XIII. : .• : MR. SIMKIN Br-N—R—D TO LADY B.-N—R—D,
AT—
HALL, NORTH.

A PUBLIC BREAKFAST.
Motives for the same.—A List of the Company.—A tender
scene.-—An unfortunate incident.

""W"HAT blessings attend, my dear mother, all those
Who to crowds of admirers their persons expose !
X)o the gods such a noble ambition inspire 5
Or gods do we make of each ardent desire ?
O generous passion ! 'tis yours to afford
The splendid assembly, the plentiful board \
To thee do I owe such a breakfast this morn,
As I ne'er saw before since the hour I was born;

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THE N E W BATH GUIDE.

]01

Public Breakfast.

'Twas you made my Lord Ragamuffin come here,
Who they say has been lately created a Peer,
And to-day v/ith extreme complaisance and respect
ask'd
All the people at Bath to a general breakfast.
You've'heard of my Lady Bunbutter, no doubt,
How she loves an assembly, fandango, or rout;
No lady in London is half so expert
At a snug private party her friends to divert $
But they say that, of late, she's grown sick of the
town,
And often to Bath condescends to come down :
Her ladyship's favourite house is the Bear 5
Her chariot, and servants and horses are there.
My Lady declares that retiring is good;
As all with a separate maintenance should:
For when you have put out the conjugal fire,
'Tis time for all sensible folks to retire :
If Hymen no longer his fingers will scorch,
Little Cupid for others can whip in his torch,
H2

102

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Public Breakfast.

So pert is he grown, since the custom began
To be married and parted as quick as you can.
Now my Lord had the honour of coming down post,
To pay his respect to so famous a toast 5
In hopes he her Ladyship's favour might win,
By playing the part of a host at an inn.
I'm sure he's a person of great resolution.
Though delicate nerves, and a weak constitution 5
For he carried us all to a place cross the river,
And vow'd that the rooms were to hot for his
liver :
He said it would greatly our pleasure promote,
If we all for spring Gardens set out in a boat.
I never as yet could his reason explain,
Why we all sallied forth in the wind and the rain ;
For sure, such confusion was never yet known ;
Here a cap and a hat, there a cardinal blown :
While his Lordship, embroidered and powder'd all
oe'r,
Was bowing, and handing the ladies ashore :

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

103

Public Breakfast.

How the misses did huddle and scuddle, and run $
One would think to be wet must be very good fun;
For by waggling their tails, they all seem'd to take
pains
To moisten their pinions like ducks when it rains 5
And 'twas pretty to see how, like birds of a
feather,
The people of quality flock'd all together 5
All pressing, addressing, caressing and fond,
Just the same as those animals are in a pond.
You've read all iheir names in the news, I suppose,
But, for fear you have not, take the list as it
goes :
There was Lady Greasewrister,
And Madam Van-Twister,
Her Ladyship's sister.
Lord Cram, and Lord Vulter,
Sir Brandish O'Culter,
With Marshal Carouzer,
And Old Lady Mouzer,
And the great Hanoverian Baron Pansmowzer;

lOt -

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Public Breakfast.

Besides many others, who all in the rain went,
On purpose to honour this great entertainment.
The company made a most brilliant appearance,
And ate bread and butter with great perseverance,
All the Chocolate too, that my Lord set before 'em,
The ladies dispatch'd with the utmost decorum.
Soft musical numbers were heard all around,
The horns and the clarions echoing sound :
Sweet were the strains, as od'rous gales that blow
O'er fragrant banks, where pinks and roses grow.
The Peer was quite ravish'd, while close to his side
Sat Lady Bun butter, in beautiful pride !
Oft turning his eyes, he with rapture survey'd
All the powerful charms she so nobly display'd.
As when at the feast of the great Alexander,
Timotheus, the musical son of Thersander,
Breath'd heavenly measures
-7
The prince was in pain>
And could not contain,
While Thais was sitting beside him;

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

105

Public Breakfast;

But, before all his peers,
Was for shaking the spheres,
Such goods the kind gods did provide him.
Grew bolder and bolder,
And cock'd up his shoulder*
Like the son of great Jupiter Amnion,
Till at length quite opprest,
He sunk on her breast,
And lay ther© as dead as a salmon.
O had I a-voice that was stronger than steel,,
With twice fifty tongues to express what I feel,
And as many good mouths, yet I never could utter
All the speeches my Lord made to Lady Bunbuiter !
So polite all the time, that he ne'er touch'd a bit,
While she ate up his;rolls and applauded his wit:
For they tell me that men of true taste when they treat,
Should talk a great deal, but they never should eat:
And if that be the fashion, I never will give
Any grand entertainment as long as I live :

106

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Public Breakfast.

For I'm of opinion 'tis proper to cheer
The stomach and bowels as well as the ear.
Nor me did the charming concerto of Abel
Regale like the breakfast I saw on the table :
I freely will own I the muffins preferr'd
To all the genteel conversation I heard,
E'en tho' I'd the honour of sitting between
My Lady Stuff-damask and Peggy Moreen,
Who "both flew to Bath in the nightly machine.
Cries Peggy, c< This place is enehantingly pretty $
" We never can see such a thing in the city :
" You may spend all your life-time in Cateatonstreet,
fi
And never so civil a gentleman meet 5
" You may talk what you please; you may search
London through ;
" You may go to Carlisle's and to Almanac's too 5
<e
And I'll give you my head if you find suck a host,
<s
For coffee* tea, chocolate, butter, and toast:
(<
How he welcomes at once all the world and his wife
" And how civil to folk he ne'er saw in his life !"—

THE NEW BxlTFI GUIDE.

107

Public Breakfast.
€t

These horns, cries my Lady, so tickle one's car,
" Lard ! what would 1 give that Sir Simon was here •
<e To the next public breakfast Sir Simon shall go,
" For I find here are folks one may venture to
know :
u
Sir Simon would gladly his Lordship attend,
" And my Lord would be pleas'd with so cheerful
a friend."
So when we had wasted more bread at a breakfast
Than the poor of our parish have ate for this week
past,
I saw, all at once, a prodigious great throng
Come bustling, and rustling, and jostling along ;
For his Lordship was pleas'd that the company now
To my Lady Bunbutter should curt'sey and bow 5
And my Lady was pleas'd too, and seem'd vastly
proud At once to receive all the thanks of the crowd ;
And when, like Chaldean, we all had ador'd
This beautiful image set up by my Lord,

108

THE NEW BATH GUIDE,
Public

Qv-ikfasL

Some few insignificant folk went away,,
Just to follow th' employments and calls of the day '->
But those who knew better their time how to
spend,
The fiddling and dancing all chose to attend.
Miss Clunch and Sir Toby perform-d a Cotillion,
Just the same as our Susan and Bob the Postillion 5
All the while her mamma was expressing her joy,
That her daughter the morning so well could
employ.
—Now why should the muse, my dear mother,
relate
The misfortunes that fall to the lot of the great ?
As homeward we came-—'tis with sorrow you'll
hear
What a dreadful disaster attended the Peer:
For whether some envious god had decreed
That a Naiad should long to ennoble the breed 5
Or whether his Lordship wai charm'd to behold
His face in the stream, like Narcissus of old ;

THE N E W BATH GUIDE.

109

PuMi*! 6' >akfkst.

In handing old Lad}- Bumfidgit and daughter,
This obsequious Lord tumbled into the water;
But a nymph of the flood brought him safe to theboat,
And I left all the ladies a-cleaning his coat.—
:

Thus the feast was concluded, as far as I hear,
To the great satisfaction of all that were there.
O may he give breakfasts as long as he stays,
For I ne'er ate a better in all my born days.
In haste I conclude, &c. &c. &c.

BATH, 1766.

. •

110

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

LETTER XIV,

MISS PRUDENCE B~N—R—D TO LADY ELIZ.
M—D—SS, AT
CASTLE, NORTH.

Miss Prudence B—n—r—d informs Lady Betty that she
has been elected to Methodism by a Vision.

M E A R K E N , Lady Betty, hearken,
To the dismal news I tell $
How your friends are ail embarking
For the fiery gulph of hell.
Brother Simkin's grown a rakehel],
Cards and dances ev'ry day,
Jenny laughs at tabernacle,
Tabby Runt is gone astray.

ftAT.M

CWIDJK,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Miss B-n-r«d-'s Election.

Blessed I, tho' once rejected,
Like a little wandering sheep,
Who this morning was elected
By a vision in my sleep :

For I dream'd an apparition
Came, like Roger, from above,
Saying, By divine commission
I must fill you full of love.

Just with Roger's head of hair on,
Roger's mouth and pious smile;
Sweet, methinks, as beard of Aaron
Dropping down with holy oil.

I began to fall a kicking,
Panted, struggled, strove in vain \
When the spirit whipt so quick in,
I was cur'd of all my pain.

Ill

112

THE N E W BATH GUIDE;
Miss B-n-r-d-'s Election.

First I thought it was the night-ma re
Lay so heavy on my breast 5
But I found new joy and light there,
When with heav'nly love possest.
Come again, then, apparition,,
Finish what thou hast begun 5
Roger, stay, thou soul's physician,
I with thee my race will run.
Faith her chariot has appointed,
Now we're stretching for the goal j
All the wheels with grace anointed,.
Up to heaven to drive my soul.—

The Editor, for many reasons, begs to be excused giving
the public the sequel of this young lady's letter; but if the reader will please to look into the Bishop of Exeter's book, en_
titled, " The Enthusiasm of Methodists and Papists compared,"
he will find many instances, (particularly of young people,)
who have been elected in the manner above.

MAXTHT

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T H E N E W BATH G U I D E .

LETTER - XV.

US

'

MR...SIMRIN B—N—R—0 TO LADY B-N---D,
AT
HALL, NORTH. <
Serious Reflections of Mr. B-n-r-d.—His ESill of Expellees.—
The Distresses of the Family.—A Farewell to Bath.

J I L A S , my dear mother, our evil and good
By few is distinguish'd, by few understood !
How oft are we doorn'd to repent at the end,
Th' events that our pleasantest prospects attend!
As Solon declar'd, in the last scene alone",
All the joys of our life, all our sorrows are known..
When first I earne hither for Vapours and wind,
To cure all distempers, and study mankind,
How little I dream'd of the tempest behind $
I never once thought what a furious blast,
What storms of distress would overwhelm me at
last.

114

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Bill of Expences.

How wretched am I ! what a fine declamation
Might be made on the subject of my situation !
I'm a fable !—an instance !— and serve to dispence
An example to all men of spirit and sense,
To all men of fashion, and all men of wealth,
Who come to this place to recover their health :
For my means are so small* and my bills are so large*
I ne'er can come home till you send a discharge.
Let the Muse speak the cause, if a Muse yet remain
To supply me with rhymes, and express all my pain.
Paid bells, and musicians,
Drugs, nurse, and physicians,
Balls, raffles, subscriptions, and chairs $
Wigs, gowns, skins, and trimming,
Good books for the women,
Plays, concerts, tea, negus, and prayers
Paid the following schemes,
Of all who it seems
Make charity-bus'ness their care ;
A gamester decay'd,
And a prudish old maid
By gaiety brought to despair :

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

lib

BUI of Expences.

A fiddler of note,
fWdio, dfor lace on his coat.
To his taylor was much in arrears :
An author of merit,
Who wrote with,such spirit
The .pillory took off his ears*
A §um, my dear mother, far heavier yet,
Captain Cormorant won when I learn'd lans*
quenetj
Two hundred I paid him, and five am in debt:
For tlje five I had,nothing,to do but to write,
For the Captain was very well bred and polite
AndftpQk, .as, he saw.my expences were great
My rbjond, jto be paid on the Clodpole estate;
And asfes4nothir>g,more while the money is lent,
Than interest paid him at -twenty per cent.
But I'jnshoGk'd to relate what distresses befall
Miss Jenny, my .sister, and Tabby and all:

116

THE NEW, BATH GUIDE.
Distresses of the Family.

Miss Jenny, poor thing, from this Bath expedition
Was in hopes very soon to have chang'd her
condition :
But rumour has brought certain things to her ear,
Which I ne'er will believe, yet am sorry to hear}
' That the Captain, her lover, her dear Romeo,
' Was banish'd the army a great while ago :
' That his friends and his foes he alike can betray,
c
And picks up a scandalous living by play.'
But if e'er' I could think that the Captain had
cheated,
Or my dear cousin Jenny unworthily treated,
By all that is sacred I swear, for .his pains
I'd cudgel him first, and then blow out his brains,
For the. man I abhor like the devil, dear mother,
Who one thing conceals,-and professes another.
O how shall we know the right way to pursue ?—
Bo the ills of mankind from religion accrue ?
Religion, design'd to relieve all our care,
- •
Has brought my poor sister to grief and despair :

'THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

117

A Farewell to Bath.

Now she talks of damnation,, and screws up her
face |
Then prates about Roger, and spiritual grace $
Her senses, alas ! seem at once gone astray —
No pen can describe it, no letter convey.
But the man without sin, that Moravian Rabbi,
Has perfectly cur'd the Chlorosis of Tabby 5
And, if right I can judge, from her shape and hei
face,
~She soon may produce him an infant of grace.
Now they say that all people in our situation,
Are very fine subjects for regeneration ;
But I think, my dear mother, the best we can do,
Is to pack up our all,, and return back to you.
Farewell then, ye streams,
Ye poetical themes"!
1 2

118

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A. tFarewell to Bath.

Sweet fountains for earing the spleen !
I'm griev'd to the heart
Without cash to depart,
And quit this adorable scene !
Where gaming and grace
Each other embrace,
Dissipation and piety meet:
May all, who've a notion
Of cards or devotion,
Make Bath their delightful retreat!
S**-— B—N—R—D.
BATH,

im.

EPILOGUE
TO

THE SECOND EDITION;
CONTAINING
Criticisms, and the Guide's Conversation with three Ladies of
Piety, Learning, and Discretion.
A Letter to Miss Jenny W—d—r at Bath, from Lady Eliz.
M—d—ss, her friend in the country; a young Lady of neither
Fashion, Taste, nor Spirit.
The Conversation continued.—Their Ladyships' Receipt for &
N ovel.—The Ghost of Mr. %iin.

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121

EPILOGUE; . _
CONTAINING

,

, CRITICISMS, , .
AND

The GUIDE'S Conversation with Three LADIES of
"
LtislRNiNGandDlSCRE170N.

PIETY,

JL HERE are who complain that my verse is severe.
And what is much worse—that my book is too
dear;
The Ladies protest that 1 keep no decorum
In setting 'such patterns of .folly before 'em :
Some cannot conceive what the Guide is about,
With names so unmeaning to .make such a rout.
Lady Dorothy Scrawl would engage to bespeak
A hundred, such, things <to-be made in a week : ;

122

THE NEW BATH GUFDE.
The Guides Conversation.

Madam Shuffledumdoo, more provoking than that
Has sold your poor Guide for two fish and a mat;
A sweet medium paper, a book of fine size,
And a print that I hop'd would have suited her eyes.
And another geod lady, of delicate taste,
Cries, " Fie ! Mr. Bookseller, bring me some paste;
" I'll close up this leaf, or my daughter will skim
«* The cream of that vile methodistieal hymn.5*
Then stuck me down fast—so unfit was my page*
To meet the chaste eyes of this virtuous age.
Guide. O spaTe me> gobW MadaM, it goes* to my
heart
With my sweet methoti&tical lette* id pari.
Away with you* p^aste! 'tis exceedragly haM
Thus to tbrture and eramp an rnifbrtunate baf$:
How my Muse will be shoek'd wB® she's j m t taking flijgMj
To find that her pMttfnf ti& MMd sb tfgKt!

THE NEW BATE GUIDE.

123

The Guides Conversation.

First Lady. Why you know, beyond reason and
decency too,
Beyond all5 respect to religion that's due,
Your dirty satirical work you pursue.
I very weB know whom you mean to affront
In the pictures of Prudence, aftd-1 Tabitha Runt.—
Guide. Indeed, my good ladies, religion and
virtue
Are things that I never designed any hurt to.
All poets and paix&ers, as Horace agrees^
May copy from nature what figured they please;
Nor blame* the po6r pbet> or painter, if you
In verse or on catvVaS your likeness should view.
I hope you don't think I would write £ tarpoon j .
I'd be hang'd at the f&flt-of Parnassus a& soon.
Second L&tfyi PritKee! d&tit talk to me of youp
Horace and Flaecus>>
When you come like an impudent wretch to attach
us.

1M

THE NEW BtfTH GUIDE.
The Guides Conversation.

What's. Parnassus to you} <Take away but your
rhyme,
And the strains of the bell-man are full as sublime.
ThirdLady.
Dost think that such stuff as thou .
writ'st upon Tabby,
Will procure thee a busto in Westminster Abbey !
Guide. 'Tis true, on Parnassus I never did
dream,
Nor e'er did I taste of swe.et Helicon's stream
-,
My share of, the fountain I'll freely resign
To those who are better belov'd by ; the Nine :
Give bustos to poets of higher renown, :
I ne'er was ambitious in marble to frown :
Give laurels to those, from the god of the lyre
Who catch the bright spark of ethereal fire 5
Who, skill'd every passion at will to impart, lt
Can play round the head while they : steal to the
heart;

THE NEW. BATH GUIDE.

125

The Guides Conversation.

Who, taught by Apollo fq guide the bold steed,
Know when to give force, when to temper his
speed.
My nerves all forsake me, my voice he disdains,
When he rattles his pinions, no more hears the reins,
But thro' the bright ether sublimely he goes,
Nor earth, air, or ocean, or mountains oppose.—
For me, 'tis enough that my toil I pursue,
Like the bee, drinking sweets that exhale from the
dew,
Content if Melpomene joins to my lay
One tender soft strain of melodious Gray ;
Thrice happy in your approbation alone, .
If the following ode for my hymn can atone.

126

T H E N E W BATH GUIDE,

A I/ETfTEE
To MISS J E N N Y W—D—R, AT BATH!;
FROM

tLADY EhlZ.

M - D - S S , HER F R I E N D I N THE
COUNTRY,

A young; Lady of neither Fashion* Taste, nor Spirit.

O F T I've ifftok'd th* Aoaiaii quire,
And Phoebus oft in vain,
Like thee, my friend, to tune my lyre,
Like thee to raise my strain :
And when, of late, I sought their aid
The flow'ry bank beside,
Methought, along the silent glade,
I heard a voice that cry'd,

THE NEW B4TH GUIDE.
A Letter.

" Mistaken Maid ! why idly waste
<e
Your hours in fruitless,toil •?
u
You ne'er the hallow'd brook can taste^
€X
Or*read;poetic soil.
" For since your friend,pursues thepath>
" Where wit and pleasurereigns,
" With her has fled each Muse to* Bath*
ci
From these iieglected;plains.
" There many award's mspir!d with song^
<c
With epigram and<t)de.;
" And one, the meanest of the throng,.
" Takes satire's thorny road.
? y,

" F o r him Bathes injur'd genius now
" The hemlock juice prepai'es,
<c
And deadly nightshade o'er his brow
<e
For laurel wreaths he wears.
ci

Him, like the Thracian bardj shall curse<e
Each nymph, each angry dame $

127

128

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Letter.

" Tho' far inferior be his verse,,
" His hapless fate the same.
" Torn be the wretch, whose impious strains
" Profan'd their beauty's pride, ,
" No muse to gather his remains
" That flow down Avon's tide ;
*' But him shall many a drone pursue
" That hums around the stream 5
ce
Him frantic priests, an insect crew
" That cloud Light's heav'nty beam.
" Then, lest his destiny you share,
" Rash nymph, thy strains give o'er!
ec
Be warn'd by me, of rhyme beware !"
The voice was heard no more.
Yet tho' I cease my artless lay,
Nor longer court the Nine.,
1 his faithful tribute will I pay
At friendship's sacred shrine.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Letter.

Here will I offer incense sweet,
Here light the hallow'd fires -,
And oh ! with kind acceptance meet
What true regard inspires
Nor let my friendly verse offend
* That poor deluded maid,
Whose faith I ne'er can comprehend..,
Or grace in dreams con vey'd.
May no such grace my thoughts employ,
Nor I with envy view
Those scenes of dissipated joy,
So well describ'd by you I
Think not a parent's harsh decrees
From me those scenes withhold 5
His soft request can ne'er displease
Who ne'er my joys controul'd.
* Miss Prudence B—nd—rh—d*

129

ISO

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Letter.

But pining years opprest with grief
My tender care demand ;
The bed of sickness as^ks relief
From my supporting hand.
Well do I know how sorrow preys,
Eer since the hour that gave
The partner of his happier days
To seek the silent grave.
In that sad hour my?lips she prest,
Bedew'd with many a tear
-9
And " T a k e / ' she cry'd, "this last'bequest
u
A dying mother's pray'r.
<e

O let the maximsl convey
" Sink deep intorthy breast,
*c When I no more direct thy way,
" Retir'd to endless^rest.
<c Look on thy aged father's woe!
" Tis thine to soothe his pain :

?HE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Letter.
cc

With Grace like this/ Religion shew,
" And thus her cause maintain.

" Nor is't enough that Grace displays*
et
Or Faith her light divine ;
*' In all thy works, in all thy ways*
e(
Let heav'nly Virtue shine :
<e

€i

O ! may the fountain of all truth
" Each perfect Gift impart,
With Innocence protect thy youth,
" With Hope support thy heart!

6C

So may'st thou learn thyself to know,
u
Of all extremes beware,
<f
Nor find in age thy cup o'erflow
" With shame, remorse* and care.
€<

Then shall no madmen Light reveal,
No visionary Priest,
With falsewood> ignorance, and, zeal5
<c
Torment tliy peaceful breast.
{(

ec

K

JSi

132

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A Letter.

" Then shall no fears thy soul distress,
te
Religion's doubts shall cease >
<e
Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
i(
And all her paths are peace/'Such were the truths ere lost in death
Her parting voice convey'd 5
Such may I keep 'till latest breath,
Thou dear lamented shade ! — What iho' no Muse will deign, my friend.,
My homely joys to tell j
Tho' Fashion ne'er will condescend
To seek this humble cell 5
Yet freedom, peace, and mind serene,
Which modish life disdains,
(Perpetual sweets !) enrich the scene
» Where conscious virtue reigns :
Blest scenes! such unrepenting joys,
Such true delight ye give,
Bemote from fashion, vice, and noise,
Contented let me live.
ELIZ, MODELESS,

TOE N E W BATH GUIDE,

133

THE

CONVERSATION CONTINUED/
The LADIES

RECEIPT for a NOVEL>~-The GHOST
of Mr. QUIN.

Guide, JL^ OW I hope thaf this letter from young
Lady Betty,
Will be reckoned exceedingly decent and pretty :
That you, my good ladies, who ne'er cou'd endure
A hymn so ineffably vile and impure,
My indelicate muse will no longer bewail,
Since a sweet little moral is pinn'd to her tail:
If not* as so kindly I'm tutor'd by you,
Pray tell a poor poet what's proper to do.
First Lady. Why if thou must write, thou hadst
better compose
Some novels, or elegant letters in prose.
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NEW BATH GUIDE.
Conversation.

Take a subject that's grave, with a moral that's
good,
Throw In all the temptations that virtue withstood*
l a epistles like Pamela^ chasite and devout-—
A book that my family's never without—
Second Lady. O ! pray let jour hero be handsome and young,
Taste, wit, and fine sentiment, flow from his tongue.
His delicate feelings he sure to improve
With passion, with tender soft rapture and love.
Third Lady. Add some Incidents too, which I
like above measure,
Such as those which Tpe heard are esteem'd as a
treasure
In a book that's intitled—The Woman of Pleasure.
Mix well, and you'll find 'twill a novel produce
Fit for modest young ladies—so keep it for use,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

135

The Ghost of I'Ai\ Quiu.

Guide. Damnation—(aside.} W e l l ladles, I'll
do what I can,
And ye'il bind it, I hope, "with your Duty of Man.
(Guide makers* *6 Take a subject that's grave, with
a moral that's good V9
Thus musing, I wander* d to splenetic rnood
Where the languid old Cam ioils hu willowy flood.
When Jo! beneath the poplar's glimm'ring shade,
Along the stream where trembling oziers play'd,
What time the bat low flitting slums the ground,
When beetles buz, when goats are felt around,
And hoarser frogs their aroYous descant sound.
Sweet scenes I that heav'nly contemplation give,
And oft in musical description live!
When now the moon's refulgent rays begin
O'er twilight groves to spread their mantle thin,
Sudden arose the awful form of Gum :
A form that bigger than the life appear'd,
And head like Patagonian bero rear'd.
Aghast I stood ! when lo !, with mild command
And looks of courtesy, he wav'd his hand,

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THE NEW BATH GUIDE.'
The Ghost of Mr. Quia!

Me to th' embow'ring grove's dark path convey'd,
And thus began the venerable Shade :
*e Forth from Elysium's blest abodes I come,
« Regions of joy, where Fate has nVd my doom :
c;
Look on my face—I well remember thine :
<c
Thou knew'st me too,, when erst in life's decline
" At Bath I dwelt—there late repos'd mine age,
<e
And unrepining left this mortal stage:
(<
Yet do those scenes, once conscious of delight,
e<
Rejoice my social ghost! there oft by night
" I hold my way ;
*f And from the mullet, and the sav'ry jole,
" Catch fragrant fumes, that still regale my soul!
<e Sweet Bath, which thou these dreary banks along
(<
Oft mak'st the subject of thy wayward song."—
Guide.

O spare me, blest spirit——

Ghost, Quit thy vaifc fears; I come not to accuse
The motley labours of thy mirthful Muse,

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
The Ghost of Mr. Quin.

For well I ween, if rightly understood,
Thy themes are pleasant, and thy moral good,
Oft have I read the laughter-moving phrase,
And splayfoot measures of thy Simkin's lays,
Nor aught indecent or obscene I find.
That virtue wounds, or taints the virgin's mind :
Beware of that—O ! why should I describe
What ills await the caitiff scribbling tube f
First see the mob who novels lewd dispense
The bane of virtue, modesty, and sense :
Next that infernal ciew, detractors base,
Who pen lampoons; true satire's foul disgrace :
Nor less the punishment in realms below
Tor those who praise unmerited bestow,
Those pimps in science, wiio, withdulness bold,
The sacred muses prostitute for gold :
Those too whom zeal to pious wrath inclines,
Pedantic, proud, polemical divines :
Bad critics last, whom fthadamanth severe
Chastises first then condescends to hear :

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Tr.e Giiost of Mr. Quia.

All, all, in fiery Phlegethon must stay,
Till gall, and ink, and dirt of scribbling day
In. purifying flames are purg'd away,—
Guide. O trust me, blest spirit, I ne'er would
oifend
One innocent virgin, one virtuous friend :
From nature alone are my characters diawn,
From little Lob Jerom to bishops in lawn :
Sir Boreas Blubber, and such stupid faces,
Are at London, at Bath, and at all public places 5
And if to Newmarket I chance to repair,
'Tis odds but I see Captain Cormorant there:
But he who his cash on physicians bestows,
Meets a tight little doctor wherever he goes.
Ghost. *Tis true, such insects as thy tale has
shown
Breathe not the atmosphere of Bath alone,
Tho' there, in gaiety's meridian ray,
Vain fools,, like flies, their gaudy wings display j.

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.

139

The Ghost of Mr. Quin.

Awhile they flutter, but, their sunshine past,
Their fate, like Simkin, they lament at last.
Worse ills succeed -, oft superstition's gloom
Sheds baneful intiuence o'er their youthful bloom—
Such Heav'n avert fiom fair Britannia's plains,
To realms where bigotry and slavery reigns 1
No more of that.—But say, thou tim'rous bard,
Claim not the Wines of Bath thy just regard ?
Where oft, I ween, the brewer's cauldron flows
With elder's mawkish juice, and puck'ring sloes
Cyder and hot Geneva they combine,
Then call the fatal composition Wine.
By Cerberus I swear, not those vile crews,
Who vend their pois'nous med'cines by the news,
For means of death, air, earth, and seas explore,
Have sent such numbers to the Stygian shore.
Shun thou such base potations ; oft I *ve thought
My span was shorten'd by the noxious draught.—
But soft) my friend !—is this the soil, the clime,.
That teaches Grant as tuneful sons to rhyme ?
On me unsavoury vapours seem to fix,
Worse than Cocytus or the pools of Styx $

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THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
The Ghost of Mr. Quin.

Inspired by fogs of this slow-winding Cam,,
O say, does ——=— presume thy strains to damn ?
Heed not that miscreant's tongue ; pursue thy ways* '
Regardless of his censure or his praise.
Guide. But if any old lady, knight, priest, o r
physician,
Should condemn me for printing a second edition,
If good Madam Squintum my work should abuse,
May I venture to give her a smack of my Muse !
Ghost. By all manner of means : if thou flnd'sfc
that the case,
Tho* she cant, whine, and pray, never mind her
grimace,
Take the mask from her d—mn'd hyprocritical
face.
Guide. Come on then, ye Muses, 111 laugh
down my day,
In spite of them all will I carol my lay
-,
But perish my voice, and untun'd be my lyre,
If my verse one indelicate thought shall inspire :

THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
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Conclusion.

Ye angels who watch o'er the slumbering fair,
Protect their sweet dreams, make their virtue jour
care !
Bear witness yon moon/the chaste empress of night !
Yon stars, that diffuse the pure heavenly light!
How oft have I mourn'd that such blame should
accrue
From one wicked letter of pious Miss Pruc ?
May this lazy stream, who to Granta bestows
Philosophical slumbers, and learned repose,
To Granta, Sweet Granta, (where studious of ease
Seven' years did 1 sleep, and then lost my * degrees)
May this drowsy current (as oft he is wont)
Overflow all my hay, may my dogs never hunt,
May those ills to torment me, those curses con?
spire,
Which so oft plague and crush an unfortunate?
'Squire,
* Vide University Register, Proctors Books, &eB

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THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
C and as ton.

Some may'r to cajole me, some lawyer to chouse,
For a seven months' seat in the Parliament-house,
There to finish my nap, for the good of the nation,
'Wake—frank—and be thank'd—-by the whole corporation :
Then a poor tenant come, when my cash is all
spent,
With a bag full of tax bills to pay me his rent ^
And O ! may some daemon those plagues to complete,
Give me taste to improve an old family seat
By lawning an hundred good acres of wheat!
Such ills be my portion, and others much worse,
If slander or calumny poison my verse,
If ever my well behav'd muse shall appear
Indecently droll, impolitely severe.
Good ladies, uncensur'd Bath's pleasures pursue,
May the spiings of old Bladud your graces renew!
1 never shall mingle with gall the pure stream,
*But make your examples and virtue my theme :

THE NEW BATH GUiDE.

143'

Conclusion.

Nor fear, ye sweet virgins, that aught I shall speak
To call the chaste blush o'er your innocent cheek.
O ! frown not, if haply your poet once more
Should seek the delightful Avonian shore,
Where oft he the winter's dull season beguiles,
Drinks health, life, and joy, from your heavenly
smiles.
To the GHOST.
For thee, who to visit these regions of spleen,
Deign'st to quit the sweet vales of perpetual green,
Forsake, happy shade, this Boeotian air,
Fly hence,—to Elysium's pure ether repair,
Rowe, Dryden, and Otway—thy Shakespeare is
there:
There Thompson, poor Thompson, ingenuous bard,
Shall equal thy friendship, thy kindness reward,
Thy praise in melifluous numbers prolong,
Who cherish'd his Muse and gave life to his song.
And O may thy genius, blest spirit impart
To me, the same virtues that glow'd in thy heart,

144

THE N E W BATH-GUIDE.
Conclusion.

To me, with thy talents convivial, give
The art to enjoy the short time I shall live;
Give manly, give rational mirth to my soul,
O'er the social sweet joys of the full-flowing bowl!
So ne'er may vile scribblers thy memory stain,
Thy forcible wit may no blockheads profane,
Thy faults be forgotten, thy virtues remain.
Farewell! may the turf where thy cold reliques rest,
Bear herbs, odoriferous herbs o'er thy breast,
Their heads thyme, and sage, and pot-marjorum
wave
And fat be the gander that feeds on thy grave.

FINIS.

Printed by John Browne, 6, Bridge-Sired, Batb.